8 Out of 10 Cats Does Deal or No Deal (2013) Movie Script
This programme contains strong
language.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal,
8 Out Of 10 Cats guests,
close personal friends
of Sean Lock...
..close personal friends
of Jon Richardson...
..and two very special
Deal Or No Deal contestants.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of
10 Cats Does Deal Or No Deal,
a show all about numbers,
strategy and boxes.
Did you know, for example,
Deal Or No Deal is a great game.
The only other people who get
to randomly open things
hoping to find money inside
are postmen at Christmas.
Over 46,000 boxes have been
opened on Deal Or No Deal,
a record only beaten
by Russell Brand.
And the oldest ever Deal Or No Deal
contestant was 97 years old.
The final box he opened
was made of wood, lined in velvet
and had brass handles.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we've got the west wing,
we've got the east wing,
we've got the pilgrims behind me.
Now all we need is some contestants.
Taking the walk of wealth
this evening,
it's Sean Lock and Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sit.
(BOTH SIGH)
You are in the dream factory.
Yeah.
This is where dreams happen.
My cab accidentally took me
to the wet dream factory first.
The thing with Deal No Deal is,
it's how you play.
It's how you negotiate.
It's like poker.
Have you got a strategy for how
you're going to play today?
Yeah. Here we go.
There we go.
That's it.
That's your strategy? And you've...
Let's just show that to the
camera there. You've written...
LAUGHTER
I haven't discussed this with Jon.
What's your strategy, Jon?
I'm a naturally, sort of, optimistic
person, Jimmy, so I just believe...
LAUGHTER
..if I project goodwill...
I don't know why
people are laughing.
I think some of them may know you.
Obviously,
we're playing for real money today.
Quarter of a million pounds,
potentially,
for your charities of choice.
Do you trust each other?
Cos you've got to make these
decisions today, with each other.
For example, have you ever been
on a Brokeback Mountain-style
trip across America together?
We did, didn't we?
Oh, yeah.
Shit. Not again.
It wasn't actually
called Brokeback Mountain
and I find that joke
quite offensive.
It was called Bumfuck Hill.
Are you going to be looking
for advice from the wings?
You've got people that
know you on the wings.
Who would you look to
for guidance here?
None of them.
I've got Steve,
I've got Andy, over there.
Dave and Jon.
These guys know about opening stuff.
I've got a secret weapon.
What's your secret weapon?
Well, my secret weapon
is my friend Mark,
who does the warm-up for this show.
Have you seen all 2,000?
Um, we've done 2,300
and I've done about 2,000.
I reckon at any point
you can tell me
what the correct thing to do is
so that we definitely win.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Game over. Just open it now.
Quarter of a mil.
Jon, who else have you got here?
I have brought my friend Mia
and my friends John and Matthew.
Are you scared of the banker?
The banker's just a guy. If you
call him the banker it makes him...
He's just a guy.
He is called, like, Keith, or...
I'm going to call him
Brian all the time.
I'm not going to call him...
All right, Brian.
Ask me if I'm scared of Brian.
Are you scared of Brian?
No.
The thing is, Jimmy,
I've not won anything yet
so I'm not scared of him.
I may become scared of him
when money becomes... At the moment,
I don't care about the banker.
You know we're not keeping
the money, don't you?
Well,
you don't know about my charity.
LAUGHTER
Do you have any feeling
about what's in your box?
Do you know, the box I wanted,
if I could have picked a box
by hand, I would have picked 11.
You are not generally
a superstitious guy.
No.
But you think Rob Beckett
has got quarter of a million pounds
in his box.
Won a lot of raffles at school.
So that might be a bit of an
indication about my luckiness.
Yeah. Yeah, might be, yeah.
Are you not going to do the Noel
thing, "Oh, 22 boxes, one question."
Yeah, 22... OK, then, fine.
Fine, no problem at all.
22 boxes, quarter of a
million pounds, one question -
where the fuck is Noel Edmonds?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So are you guys ready to play?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
OK, west wing, are you ready?
East wing, are you ready?
Pilgrims, are you ready?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, join us after the break
when Sean and Jon will be playing
Deal Or No Deal.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal.
Sean and Jon are ready to play,
they've got box number 12.
Just a quick bit of housekeeping.
I need you to confirm
that you picked box number 12.
- Yes. - Yes.
Before the show began, it was sealed
by the independent adjudicator who
seals all 22 boxes and is the only
person who knows where the money is.
Good luck.
APPLAUSE
Who's picking the first five boxes?
I am.
For those of you that haven't seen
the show, you're looking for blues,
You're looking to get
five blues in a row.
This. Andy came up with this earlier.
He said to me, "This will work."
He knows all about the horses.
He runs a book every year
at the Edinburgh Festival on the...
Don't say that,
because that's illegal!
LAUGHTER
Seven. I'd like to go with Matt Ford.
Even though he lives with Jon,
I'm following this plan.
Now, Matt.
Yes, mate.
You're friends with Jon, right?
I am, yes!
How long have you known each other?
About eight years.
Eight years!
He's good to live with. I mean, it's
a bit like living with a rescue cat.
He finds it hard to trust and if you
touch him, he'll take your face off.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't know...
The integrity of Sean's
system rests on this.
If this is not blue,
this system is gone.
Not only does this have to be
the penny, but you have to kiss him
when it's the penny,
which I am very excited about.
Are you aware of the penny kiss
on Deal Or No Deal?
When you get the penny
you have to kiss the person.
How long for?
Two or three seconds.
Can I cradle them?
You can cradle them.
OK, Matt. OK, get us started,
let's open box number 7.
Good luck to everyone
playing at home.
LAUGHTER
GROANING
3,000.
I would just say
your system is bullshit.
LAUGHTER
I can't even see 2.
Oh, it's another of your friends.
Let's go with Mia.
So Mia, do you have a feeling about
your box, a feeling what's in there?
I don't...
LAUGHTER
We're going to be using
the term "box" a lot here.
Can we just please get over it?
The box.
The box.
A feeling about "the" box,
not "your" box.
OK, Mia, let's try
and find a blue for Jon.
Good luck.
APPLAUSE
500 gone, 3,000 gone.
13 next?
This is your baby.
Katherine.
This is Katherine Ryan, comedian.
Friend of 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
I think you've made
the right choice.
Right.
Let's open box 13.
We're hoping for blue here.
APPLAUSE
It's red but it's
the lowest of the reds.
Getting rid of them reds.
That is not the object of the game.
You've got three so far.
Three reds, one blue.
Right, OK.
What's the next box?
On here, it is 19.
Where's 19?
Hello.
Nick Helm. Hello, Nick.
Hello.
Got a good feeling about that box
there in front of you?
Don't really care.
LAUGHTER
Good luck, Sean.
Thanks, Nick.
Good luck, Jon.
Thanks, Nick.
Fuck you, Jimmy.
GROANING
The first big...
10,000 gone.
The next number in the system
is number five.
Another one of Jon's friends.
I'm just delighted
how many friends I have.
John, you used
to live with Jon, right?
How is it living
with Jon Richardson?
He's particular.
He's the only person
who's ever billed me for cleaning.
LAUGHTER
It's not like that was day one when
we lived together that I decided...
I was sick of tidying the house
and I thought, "Do you know what?
"If we had a cleaner
they would get paid for this."
The important thing about it is
it changed absolutely nothing!
I did not get paid
and the house did not remain tidy.
Tears are a natural cleaning agent.
OK, let's open box number 5 and see.
We're hoping for blue here.
GROANING
20,000 gone.
Interestingly, that's how much you
owe me for cleaning, as well.
That's painful, isn't it?
Shall we see what
the banker has to say?
Shall we see what Brian thinks?
You're trying to demystify him
by calling him Brian.
Yes. It's like Voldemort.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, one-nil to you, Brian!
LAUGHTER
Hello, Brian.
Seven years you've chatted
to no-one but Noel Edmonds,
you poor, poor man.
It's like the Bat Phone, isn't it?
The Penguin has taken over.
His job as the banker
on Deal Or No Deal
is to get inside people's heads.
Sean, you're not worried about.
He's easy to read,
predictable, one level.
A lot of people have made
that mistake in the past.
Brian.
Show business is littered
with fools like you.
You're worried about Jon.
Jon, he saying you're "formidable".
Touche, Brian.
Smart, meticulous, circumspect.
No, I'm not.
All of your offers
are going to be aimed at Jon.
I've never been treated like this...
by an imaginary person in my life.
It's not an imaginary person, it's
the banker I've got on the phone.
Why can't I hear the background
noise of Spearmint Rhino?
LAUGHTER
The opening offer, Jon...
He's trying to get inside your head
by getting inside mine.
That's what they're trying to do.
He's part of the whole plan.
Shut up, woman!
The opening offer is 6,500.
APPLAUSE
6,500.
You have to agree
on all these decisions.
You can pick the boxes individually
but you have to agree
on these big decisions.
I think it's clear
at the moment, isn't it?
You don't step away from that board.
OK, 6,500.
Deal or no deal?
- No. - Deal.
APPLAUSE
Jon, what are you
planning on doing?
Are you going with his system
or are you going to go rogue?
Three boxes to open.
I don't like the pressure.
Have a move around.
I mean, where are you drawn to?
Where do you think the money is?
What would you pick now?
LAUGHTER
Guys, I know I didn't
come on that weird
Brokeback Mountain trip with you...
but that's because I had a nightmare
about a moment like this.
You are about to find out
what we learnt.
LAUGHING
What would you want to go with?
That was Sean's system.
What are you going to go for?
It's working now, isn't it?
It's not really working.
That's an OK board.
We've got the power five, Jimmy.
I've turned into a Deal person!
LAUGHTER
How did this happen?
The power five are there, yes,
but look how many reds
you're missing now.
So I'm going off system.
Are you?
(AUDIENCE) Oooh!
They are not happy
about you going off system.
He's his own man.
He's got to go with his own...
I'm not my own man!
Why would you go off system?
Jon, imagine me and you
in the Caribbean together.
How do I avoid that happening?
LAUGHTER
I'm going to stick with this
system for two reasons.
One because it's working and two,
because as the system would have it,
it would be Mark,
my remaining friend.
PHONE RINGS
We haven't even chosen something!
I think he just sat on the phone.
Dream Factory.
I'll ask... You're sticking
with the system, yes?
Yes.
The banker says
that he was wrong about you.
(AUDIENCE) Oooh!
Exactly.
Inside your head, Jon.
He's scared of me.
Otherwise he wouldn't be
trying to scare me.
He's more scared of me
than I am of him.
Tell him that. Phone about now.
Do you know his number?
- I can phone him, yes. - Phone him.
One?!
How old is he?
Did he have the first phone?
LAUGHTER
Hello.
Banker.
Brian.
Jon says that you're afraid of him.
He's not afraid of you.
I can hear him crying.
He's saying that that sounds
like the talk of a man
who can't abandon the system because
he wants to be able to blame Sean
for whatever happens.
That's exactly what's happening.
Pick a box.
I'm picking Mark but for my own
reasons, not because of the system.
Mark Olver, friend of the show,
friend of Jon's,
friends of all of ours.
Open your box.
GASPS
Pass me the envelope, mate(!)
The system's broken.
I stuck with you as long as I could
because I'm a good friend.
When a man's got to take a decision,
a man takes a decision.
All right.
What decisions should I make?
I'm going to go with Gemma,
number six.
Gemma Collins, of course,
star of The Only Way Is Essex.
If you won a quarter of
a million pounds, Gemma,
how would you waste it?
I think I would buy a pink Bentley
and then have, like, all
Swarovski crystals inside it.
Right. Inside?
That doesn't sound very comfortable.
Oh, shut up.
Not on the seats. Just on the
dashboard, and the gear stick,
and the steering wheel.
That's what you want on the steering
wheel in the event of an accident.
The hardest substance on earth.
This is the first non-system box
of the game.
And you picked it, Jon.
OK, Gemma, if you could open
the number 6 box.
GROANING
15,000.
Only five reds remain.
Four of them are huge numbers.
I'm going to take the man
who implemented the system
out of the game.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Andy Smart,
you're one of Sean's friends.
I notice a lot of Jon's
friends live with Jon.
All of Sean's previous flatmates
are either dead or missing.
LAUGHTER
OK, shall we open this box?
Let's hope for blue.
APPLAUSE
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
What if we just don't answer.
He'll just go, won't he?
He anticipated that you would
refuse to answer the telephone.
How do we know?
So he hired himself an assistant.
Yes, like a real man.
Send someone else to do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe
Wilkinson, the banker's assistant.
APPLAUSE
Joe, how did you get this job?
I was at the Jobcentre this morning
and they said, did I
want to be a banker's assistant?
I went "No."
But they mentioned a little someone
was going to be on the show,
Susie Dent,
and we've got a bit of history.
From Countdown, you know.
Lovers, I'll say the word.
LAUGHTER
Susie, is that true?
Yes, it's true.
We walked off into the sunset
after one Mash Up
and now I'm going out
with the banker's assistant.
Lucky cow.
LAUGHTER
Landed on her feet.
Imagine having you on tap!
24/7!
Are you hoping to get promoted
within this world of banking?
Yeah, yeah, I'd love that.
Yeah, I'm good at numbers.
Give us a number, give us a number.
Heard of that.
LAUGHTER
PHONE RINGS
I'll get this.
LAUGHTER
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mum.
If you don't mind,
I gave my mum my work number.
LAUGHTER
No, no, I've got a job.
Deal Or No Deal.
Eh, it's all right.
No, no, Noel's not here. No.
Jimmy Carr's hosting it.
Yeah, that is a shame.
LAUGHTER
Eh?
What do I want for tea?
Erm, chicken Kiev.
Er, peas and chips.
All right, beans, it's fine.
LAUGHTER
Dunno, about half-ten?
Oh, don't start!
Why you being like this?
Yeah, all right. Yeah, I love you.
(Yeah, I love you too.)
LAUGHTER
Sends her love.
I presume that's the letter.
I thought it was a birthday card.
He's going to have dropped it
and it's going to be about 2,500,
knowing that dick.
LAUGHTER
The last offer was 6,500.
Second offer is 7,800.
(GASPS) Is that better?
APPLAUSE
That is better, yeah.
You thought he'd go down,
he's gone up.
Can I nip off? I want to have a fag.
Yeah, Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
Give it up for Joe.
CHEERING
7,800.
Are you tempted to...?
No.
Yes.
You choose.
Well, you see, you get distracted
by the top two, don't you?
You think, while they're there...
but if they go, we're knackered.
Rachel Riley, what do you think?
You're good with numbers.
I think they're laying the
groundwork for an all-blue round.
Loads of blues left.
How lucky are they feeling?
The 1p kiss is still out there.
Yeah, but it could be you,
could be John Fothergill.
LAUGHTER
I don't think we can deal when
we've got four of the big five.
I think we should show strength.
Yes.
7,800.
Deal or no deal?
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
oh-h-h-h-h-h...
oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Deal.
CHEERING
We've got three boxes to open. Sean?
I was tempted to go with John.
All right then.
You think John Fothergill?
You've known Sean for how long?
I was his first wife.
LAUGHTER
It was on the rigs, Jimmy, it was
on the rigs. They were dark days!
I think there's a tenner in here.
CHEERING
It's the 1p kiss, everyone.
(COUGHS)
The 1p is gone.
I don't care whether we win any
money, this show's changed my life!
I want more of that.
OK, you've got two more
boxes to open.
That man, number 4.
He's let me down...
LAUGHTER
..so many times.
Again and again and again.
He's never come through.
Well, I feel quite good about that.
OK, so you've had the perfect
start to this round.
1p has gone,
let's see if you can keep it up.
OK, Dave, open that box 4.
LAUGHTER
Pow!
GROANING
Let you down again!
Oh...!
LAUGHTER
How are you feeling?
Fu... Sh...
Not...
Well, I'm not surprised. Dave does
this again and again and again.
So, that 100,000 is looking
pretty lonely there now.
(MIA) I think you've got to be
a bit more positive.
It's like, you've still got
the 100 grand.
Still got three big ones.
Loads of blues left, get a bit
of positivity, then get a blue next.
CHEERING
Yeah, Jon!
Jon, is there a way you could turn
this into the most important bit
of tidying up you've ever done?
Interesting.
So you have to tidy up the blues
and leave it with 100 grand just
sat on the living room table.
(KATHERINE) I agree. Down with
the system, up with the syndrome!
LAUGHTER
Have a walk around, Jon.
See what you think.
Well, I was going to go and check
the boxes for dust.
Look at that.
Look.
What am I looking at there?
That was on the box.
Wow. Well, you've obviously got
to choose that then, haven't you?
That's clearly an indication.
Absolutely.
I'm the only person who has come
dressed as a box, which is unfair.
OK, Holly,
are you going to open box 21?
She's barely got the strength.
CHEERING
The big, big number went,
but so did the penny.
PHONE RINGS
Banker, tell us what's going on.
Catwoman(?)
It was an extraordinary...
LAUGHTER
The banker said that his assistant
did very well last time.
Joe Wilkinson is coming back,
everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
(JOE) Thank you.
So, last time you came,
you gave us an offer of 7,800.
Yep.
I mean, have you got the authority
to make an offer here?
Have I?
Er...
What would you offer now,
looking at that board?
Shit!
LAUGHTER
We've still got three big reds.
I've got about 1.50 on me,
but I really fancy getting
a KitKat, so about...
I can only go up to 80p,
if I'm honest.
LAUGHTER
Cos I want to get a KitKat.
I want to get a four-finger.
LAUGHTER
All right,
I'll get a two-finger one, 1.20.
Fucking hell!
Come on, serious offer...
1 million!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1 million!
PHONE RINGS
Deal or no deal?!
It's the banker.
He wants to see you in his office.
Oh, piss!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, you're working on your own
from here on in, fair enough.
He's going to be
incredibly generous.
Just because he thinks that
Jon Richardson is a force
to be reckoned with.
The offer is still 7,800.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
So you lost
the quarter of a million,
but he thinks the 1p balanced it.
7,800.
Do you know what's pathetic? Even
though I know that was all a joke,
that compliment
really cheered me up!
Really.
You see, I am naturally pessimistic,
and I would probably deal now.
An optimist would tell you that,
you know, while you've still got
a big number, you've got more
chance of hitting blues,
but a realist would say you're
taking a pounding, take the money.
Yeah, that really sounds like a force
to be reckoned with, doesn't it(?)
LAUGHTER
Someone I wouldn't want
to mess with(!)
Shall we do a sweep?
Shall we say what people think?
I'd love to do a sweep.
This place is dusty.
Gemma, what do you think?
What would you do in this situation?
Would you deal or no deal?
I'd deal.
You'd deal for 7,800?
Does that mean you can get
the money off the banker?
I don't think Gemma
has ever watched the show.
She thinks this is Take Me Out.
LAUGHTER
OK, Mark, what would you go for?
No deal.
Nicola, what would you go for?
No deal.
Stephen?
No deal.
- Nick?- No deal.
- Mia?- No deal.
Nick, are you all right?
We've got 11 boxes left!
LAUGHTER
We're halfway through
the fucking game!
Apologies. Rob?
No deal.
No deal. Andy?
No deal.
No deal.
No deal.
- Elis? - Deal.
Corinne, you're saying no deal.
No deal. Thing is, if you want
to win big, you've got to risk it.
Let's just take a look at
the no deal that Corinne made
last time she was on this show.
She was offered 88,000
and she didn't deal.
What I'm now going to do is either
make your dream come true...
..or not.
Yes.
I hope this is the dream.
GROANING
The penny?
APPLAUSE
You turned down 88,000
and you won a penny,
that I believe
you've got round your neck.
Yes. The reason I turned it down
was I wanted the money
to buy a vintage Bentley.
Of course.
Which would have cost me 200 grand.
So 88 grand wouldn't have bought
what I wanted.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I know it sounds dreadful, but...
That's exactly what we want.
I want to get a charity
a vintage Bentley.
And we're not going to do that
for 7,800.
Let's just quickly do this side.
So, deal or no deal?
No deal.
No deal.
- No deal. - No deal.
- No deal. - No deal.
- No deal.
I don't know.
LAUGHTER
Do you have any idea
what's going on, Tony?
No, but it's addictive.
Alice, what would you go for?
No deal.
You'd go no deal. John?
I think seven grand is a nice
little bit for charity. You know?
And John will double it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'd deal.
You'd deal at this point?
Rachel, what do you think?
I'd no deal.
And Matt?
No deal.
No deal.
You're our resident statistician,
OK?
Why would you not deal
at this point?
Because all you've got to do is
leave one of those big numbers
and you'll probably get
a similar offer,
whatever small one you've got left.
(JON) No!
I'm afraid I was slightly lost in
your eyes. I didn't get any of that.
LAUGHTER
If you've got 35, 50 or 100,
you're likely to get a similar offer,
aren't you?
OK, so are you ready
for the question?
(JON) Yeah.
7,800.
Deal or no deal?
LAUGHTER
(DEEP VOICE) No...
Deal.
CHEERING
Three more boxes to open
straight after the break.
See you then.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
does Deal Or No Deal.
Let's see what's going to happen
next.
Are you ready to open
some more boxes?
I quite like the idea that Nicola
will have a low amount in her box.
Nicola Adams there, Olympic gold.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It feels like a blue.
It feels like blue?
We need this one to be blue.
Open up box number 1.
Good luck.
GROANING
50,000 gone.
Well, I guess it was a red.
LAUGHTER
Don't worry. You are last
on our list of people
we would be upset with.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, Jon?
You can choose this time.
Number 10, Alice.
Alice, Radio One DJ.
May the force be with you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You needed that.
You really needed that.
So, you took a big risk turning down
7,800 and you could be all right
if this last one is a blue.
You've got to believe it
before you can do it.
Don't you feel that you
can look at a box
and fill it with your goodness?
Not a whole box.
I couldn't do a box.
A teaspoon.
LAUGHTER
It's my pick, isn't it?
Number 3, Nong.
Shall we see what
happened last time you opened a box?
If you want.
Let's have a look.
(NOEL EDMONDS) I hope it was
all worth it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was the offer?
68,000.
So 68,000, you said "no deal",
and you won a quarter
of a million pounds?
Yes.
Am I correct in saying that you
live in the Swindon area?
Where Jon used to live?
And you're single?
Yeah.
Do you...?
(LAUGHS)
LAUGHTER
I just thought, because she's got
money and lives in your area.
I'm not laughing...
She laughed in your face.
Brian, I need you.
Send anyone.
So, Nong, let's see if your good
luck can rub off on them.
Open box number 3.
OK. Good luck.
CHEERING
Thank you, Nong.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
That is a vital last box.
He said that every offer
would be aimed at Jon.
9,000 and...
Nong's phone number.
LAUGHTER
In case I want abusing
when I get home as well?
Could you just laugh at me
over the phone while I sleep?
9,000. It's the highest offer
you've had so far.
You've still got the 100,000,
you've still got the 35,000.
Are you daring to dream?
Of course he's not.
LAUGHTER
Purely selfishly, I would rather be
the person who dealt slightly early
but gave 9,000 to charity,
than the person who pushed
too far and gave them,
I don't know, 750 quid.
How is the charity going to get
the Bentley if we don't take a risk?
Do you reckon you'll end up
opening the box?
You might get more money that way.
But if you keep opening boxes,
you're probably not going to get...
Unless
you leave the two big ones, you
won't get much bigger of an offer.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
OK, he's got something
he thinks might be helpful.
If you had an all-blue round now,
he would double your money
to 18,000 on the next offer.
But if we only get the 100,000...
But, Jon, if you have an all-red
round, then it's gone.
22 is the death box,
so all I would say is that probably
hasn't got the 100,000 on it.
Why do you say that?
That's the box that everyone goes,
"Whoa, don't go 22!"
I've nicknamed my box Torres,
to make it blue
and not worth very much.
Oh, nice.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't think if we do a round
we're going to hit three reds.
I really don't.
I think you'll hit blues.
I think you should go one more round,
personally.
What are you guys going to do?
You've got to make a decision
now together, come on.
I mean, I would deal.
Yeah.
Grow a pair, Richardson.
Audience, put your hands up.
Who thinks they should deal?
Who thinks they should no deal?
One of the guys who put his hands
up to deal is Mr Al, and he is
one of the most sort of regular
regulars and experts on the stats.
Why do you think they should deal?
An all-blue round...
The chance of an all-blue
round is 18%.
So it's an 82% chance you will
not have an all-blue round.
You just spoke to Rachel Riley,
so that's your life complete.
LAUGHTER
I'm better with numbers than
I am at chatting up girls.
No shit.
LAUGHTER
(LAUGHS)
If we deal we've still
got to go round
and do all the fucking boxes
anyway, so it doesn't matter.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, Jon, Sean?
An all-blue round is the best
we can possibly do.
But then it's double.
I think we should no deal.
I think that maths says we should
deal but we will probably no deal.
Are you ready for the question?
Yeah.
Sean, Jon, 9,000, deal or no deal?
No...
Deal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They are taking a very brave choice.
9,000, they have said "no deal".
That board is dangerous.
Have they done the right thing,
have they done the wrong thing?
Find out after this break.
We're opening three more boxes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal.
Before the break,
Jon and Sean turned down 9,000
on this precarious board.
Come and have a look.
There's only two numbers here
that matter - 35,000 and 100,000.
You've got to pick three boxes now
and if those two go...
you're in a lot of trouble.
So you've turned down 9,000.
It strikes me that, Jon,
you did not want to do that.
You can't live with regret, can you,
Jimmy? You've got to stay positive.
And I'd like Susie Dent
to open box 16.
Susie Dent.
We really need a blue here, Susie.
OK.
Open up the box.
(SINGS THE COUNTDOWN THEME)
Wrong tune.
Oh, no, that's the right one.
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL SING THE COUNTDOWN THEME
Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da, boom!
(SEAN SINGS THE THEME
FROM MATCH OF THE DAY)
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Um...Elis.
Elis. You're a stand-up comedian,
you're from Wales.
Yeah.
Could it be blue? Is it blue?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You both remember
what the banker said.
He said
if you got an all-blue round,
he would double
the offer from 9,000 to 18,000.
You're one blue box away
from 18,000, guaranteed.
I would go with box 8
to even it up, so it's two-a-side.
For this vital box, you've gone for
one of the unluckiest players
there's ever been.
Corinne, a little bit of good
luck for them would be blue now.
Come on, Corinne, open box 8.
CHEERING
Yes.
You've turned this round.
Wildly against the odds -
it was an 18% chance of going
on a blues cruise there. You did it.
PHONE RINGS
LAUGHTER
Banker.
Brian.
LAUGHTER
The offer is 18,000, as he said.
APPLAUSE
18,000 for that board.
Ooh, Brian!
LAUGHTER
Do you think you can defy
the odds again? I mean...
We would have to keep the 100...
Mm.
..to get a better offer.
Jon, to be fair, you've compromised
when you've needed to.
You've got to a significant
amount of money now.
18 grand to a charity -
that could employ four of those
clipboard people for a year!
LAUGHTER
I would've dealt last time.
So, you know...
What about you guys?
Show of hands - who would deal?
Who would deal?
Who would no deal?
About 50-50.
It shows it's a tough decision -
what are you guys going to do?
What do you want to do, Jon?
I think we should deal.
Fine.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
I mean, that noise is
going to happen whatever I say.
When it's 50-50, 50% of the audience
are going to go, "Boo!"
Aren't you?
(AUDIENCE) No.
Let's try that.
What would the noise be
if you said...?
I think we should no deal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean, Jon,
are you ready for the question?
Are we?
No.
I think we should possibly no deal,
but 18,000 is a lot of money,
so if you want to deal,
I'm happy to deal.
I would no deal, I'd carry on.
(TUTS) Shit.
LAUGHTER
It's hard, isn't it?
Come on - deal or no deal?
I think we should go no deal.
(AUDIENCE) Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoo!
Do you want to risk it?
Or do you want 18,000
guaranteed now?
Deal or no deal?
No deal.
No deal!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They've gone no deal.
If you don't hit that 100,000
on the next three boxes,
we're in for a big offer.
Let's go, let's pick those boxes.
18, Tony Law.
Three vital boxes.
Ugh.
Tony Law, we're looking for 10p,
we're looking for 750 in this box.
Please, Tony.
As long as it's not a foot.
LAUGHTER
OK, we're hoping it's not
a human foot. Or 100,000.
Don't... Don't be that.
Or a foot.
It's 35,000.
Oh, I'm sorry.
OK, that is off the table now.
We've still got the 100,000 left.
It's a one-box game.
What are you going to go for?
What do you want, Jon? 22, 17 or 11?
Er...
Steve Frost, 17.
Steve Frost, 17.
Open up the box, Steve,
show us what's in there.
We're looking for blue.
Maybe we should've dealt.
LAUGHTER
Wise words, Sean. Wise words.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
750.
Tens of thousands of pounds
rest on this last box.
Which box
are you going to open next?
Rachel, 22.
The death box.
I'm going to stand up for this.
- Really? - Yeah.
If this is the 100,000,
you've thrown away 18,000.
But if it isn't...
you've made a fortune
for your charities.
Jon Richardson is a man
that never takes risks,
but he's taken a massive risk today.
Oh, God. OK.
Come on, Rachel,
reward their courage.
Come on, Torres, score for once.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
5,000.
It's red,
but it really doesn't matter.
It really doesn't matter.
PHONE RINGS
Optimism.
Banker.
He's saying that, Jon, you took
a risk there. He admires that.
He's saying, Sean,
he underestimated you.
It happens to so many.
LAUGHTER
This offer is aimed at both of you.
The offer is 32,000.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32,000.
Well, we have to deal on that.
We have to - we have no choice.
I think we should go on.
- Do you? - No!
LAUGHTER
Cos that's... That's not fair,
is it, to end up with 10p?
10p, you'd have to divide that
between both charities, so that's...
Do we know?
Yeah. I think so, yes. Yeah.
You ready for the question?
- Mm. - Yeah.
So 32,000...
..deal or no deal?
Deal. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean Lock and Jon Richardson
just won 32,000
for their chosen charities.
Let's see what you've got in here.
Let's see
if you've spanked the banker.
We all want to see the 10p, yes?
(ALL) Yeah!
If the 10p's in here, you will
have played the perfect game.
You sold what was in this box
for 32,000.
OK?
(CHUCKLES)
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You have spanked the banker!
Fantastic.
Well played there.
(SEAN) Perfect game.
Rob, show us what's in that box.
I told you I was good at raffles.
LAUGHTER
100,000.
Game over.
32,000 won
for your chosen charities.
Let's quickly
hear about those charities.
What charity were you raising
money for today?
The charity's called the
Pseudo Obstructive Research Trust.
It's a digestive problem
that affects young people
and it gets misdiagnosed as bulimia.
They can't digest their food
and then they vomit
and they're often misdiagnosed
as a psychological condition
when it's physical.
It happens a lot to young children
and young adults.
That's a great charity.
Jon, what are you raising money for?
For Help The Hospices,
because my nan died this year and
she had hospice care
and it's not funded,
so they rely on Deal Or No Deal.
(LAUGHS)
A wonderful thing.
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jon Richardson and Sean Lock.
Give them a round of applause.
Thank you.
32,000 they walk away with
for their charities.
Thanks to our box openers, our
wonderful audience - the pilgrims -
and to everyone
for watching at home.
That's it from 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Deal Or No Deal.
Good night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Red Bee Media Ltd
language.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal,
8 Out Of 10 Cats guests,
close personal friends
of Sean Lock...
..close personal friends
of Jon Richardson...
..and two very special
Deal Or No Deal contestants.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of
10 Cats Does Deal Or No Deal,
a show all about numbers,
strategy and boxes.
Did you know, for example,
Deal Or No Deal is a great game.
The only other people who get
to randomly open things
hoping to find money inside
are postmen at Christmas.
Over 46,000 boxes have been
opened on Deal Or No Deal,
a record only beaten
by Russell Brand.
And the oldest ever Deal Or No Deal
contestant was 97 years old.
The final box he opened
was made of wood, lined in velvet
and had brass handles.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we've got the west wing,
we've got the east wing,
we've got the pilgrims behind me.
Now all we need is some contestants.
Taking the walk of wealth
this evening,
it's Sean Lock and Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sit.
(BOTH SIGH)
You are in the dream factory.
Yeah.
This is where dreams happen.
My cab accidentally took me
to the wet dream factory first.
The thing with Deal No Deal is,
it's how you play.
It's how you negotiate.
It's like poker.
Have you got a strategy for how
you're going to play today?
Yeah. Here we go.
There we go.
That's it.
That's your strategy? And you've...
Let's just show that to the
camera there. You've written...
LAUGHTER
I haven't discussed this with Jon.
What's your strategy, Jon?
I'm a naturally, sort of, optimistic
person, Jimmy, so I just believe...
LAUGHTER
..if I project goodwill...
I don't know why
people are laughing.
I think some of them may know you.
Obviously,
we're playing for real money today.
Quarter of a million pounds,
potentially,
for your charities of choice.
Do you trust each other?
Cos you've got to make these
decisions today, with each other.
For example, have you ever been
on a Brokeback Mountain-style
trip across America together?
We did, didn't we?
Oh, yeah.
Shit. Not again.
It wasn't actually
called Brokeback Mountain
and I find that joke
quite offensive.
It was called Bumfuck Hill.
Are you going to be looking
for advice from the wings?
You've got people that
know you on the wings.
Who would you look to
for guidance here?
None of them.
I've got Steve,
I've got Andy, over there.
Dave and Jon.
These guys know about opening stuff.
I've got a secret weapon.
What's your secret weapon?
Well, my secret weapon
is my friend Mark,
who does the warm-up for this show.
Have you seen all 2,000?
Um, we've done 2,300
and I've done about 2,000.
I reckon at any point
you can tell me
what the correct thing to do is
so that we definitely win.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Game over. Just open it now.
Quarter of a mil.
Jon, who else have you got here?
I have brought my friend Mia
and my friends John and Matthew.
Are you scared of the banker?
The banker's just a guy. If you
call him the banker it makes him...
He's just a guy.
He is called, like, Keith, or...
I'm going to call him
Brian all the time.
I'm not going to call him...
All right, Brian.
Ask me if I'm scared of Brian.
Are you scared of Brian?
No.
The thing is, Jimmy,
I've not won anything yet
so I'm not scared of him.
I may become scared of him
when money becomes... At the moment,
I don't care about the banker.
You know we're not keeping
the money, don't you?
Well,
you don't know about my charity.
LAUGHTER
Do you have any feeling
about what's in your box?
Do you know, the box I wanted,
if I could have picked a box
by hand, I would have picked 11.
You are not generally
a superstitious guy.
No.
But you think Rob Beckett
has got quarter of a million pounds
in his box.
Won a lot of raffles at school.
So that might be a bit of an
indication about my luckiness.
Yeah. Yeah, might be, yeah.
Are you not going to do the Noel
thing, "Oh, 22 boxes, one question."
Yeah, 22... OK, then, fine.
Fine, no problem at all.
22 boxes, quarter of a
million pounds, one question -
where the fuck is Noel Edmonds?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So are you guys ready to play?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
OK, west wing, are you ready?
East wing, are you ready?
Pilgrims, are you ready?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, join us after the break
when Sean and Jon will be playing
Deal Or No Deal.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal.
Sean and Jon are ready to play,
they've got box number 12.
Just a quick bit of housekeeping.
I need you to confirm
that you picked box number 12.
- Yes. - Yes.
Before the show began, it was sealed
by the independent adjudicator who
seals all 22 boxes and is the only
person who knows where the money is.
Good luck.
APPLAUSE
Who's picking the first five boxes?
I am.
For those of you that haven't seen
the show, you're looking for blues,
You're looking to get
five blues in a row.
This. Andy came up with this earlier.
He said to me, "This will work."
He knows all about the horses.
He runs a book every year
at the Edinburgh Festival on the...
Don't say that,
because that's illegal!
LAUGHTER
Seven. I'd like to go with Matt Ford.
Even though he lives with Jon,
I'm following this plan.
Now, Matt.
Yes, mate.
You're friends with Jon, right?
I am, yes!
How long have you known each other?
About eight years.
Eight years!
He's good to live with. I mean, it's
a bit like living with a rescue cat.
He finds it hard to trust and if you
touch him, he'll take your face off.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't know...
The integrity of Sean's
system rests on this.
If this is not blue,
this system is gone.
Not only does this have to be
the penny, but you have to kiss him
when it's the penny,
which I am very excited about.
Are you aware of the penny kiss
on Deal Or No Deal?
When you get the penny
you have to kiss the person.
How long for?
Two or three seconds.
Can I cradle them?
You can cradle them.
OK, Matt. OK, get us started,
let's open box number 7.
Good luck to everyone
playing at home.
LAUGHTER
GROANING
3,000.
I would just say
your system is bullshit.
LAUGHTER
I can't even see 2.
Oh, it's another of your friends.
Let's go with Mia.
So Mia, do you have a feeling about
your box, a feeling what's in there?
I don't...
LAUGHTER
We're going to be using
the term "box" a lot here.
Can we just please get over it?
The box.
The box.
A feeling about "the" box,
not "your" box.
OK, Mia, let's try
and find a blue for Jon.
Good luck.
APPLAUSE
500 gone, 3,000 gone.
13 next?
This is your baby.
Katherine.
This is Katherine Ryan, comedian.
Friend of 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
I think you've made
the right choice.
Right.
Let's open box 13.
We're hoping for blue here.
APPLAUSE
It's red but it's
the lowest of the reds.
Getting rid of them reds.
That is not the object of the game.
You've got three so far.
Three reds, one blue.
Right, OK.
What's the next box?
On here, it is 19.
Where's 19?
Hello.
Nick Helm. Hello, Nick.
Hello.
Got a good feeling about that box
there in front of you?
Don't really care.
LAUGHTER
Good luck, Sean.
Thanks, Nick.
Good luck, Jon.
Thanks, Nick.
Fuck you, Jimmy.
GROANING
The first big...
10,000 gone.
The next number in the system
is number five.
Another one of Jon's friends.
I'm just delighted
how many friends I have.
John, you used
to live with Jon, right?
How is it living
with Jon Richardson?
He's particular.
He's the only person
who's ever billed me for cleaning.
LAUGHTER
It's not like that was day one when
we lived together that I decided...
I was sick of tidying the house
and I thought, "Do you know what?
"If we had a cleaner
they would get paid for this."
The important thing about it is
it changed absolutely nothing!
I did not get paid
and the house did not remain tidy.
Tears are a natural cleaning agent.
OK, let's open box number 5 and see.
We're hoping for blue here.
GROANING
20,000 gone.
Interestingly, that's how much you
owe me for cleaning, as well.
That's painful, isn't it?
Shall we see what
the banker has to say?
Shall we see what Brian thinks?
You're trying to demystify him
by calling him Brian.
Yes. It's like Voldemort.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, one-nil to you, Brian!
LAUGHTER
Hello, Brian.
Seven years you've chatted
to no-one but Noel Edmonds,
you poor, poor man.
It's like the Bat Phone, isn't it?
The Penguin has taken over.
His job as the banker
on Deal Or No Deal
is to get inside people's heads.
Sean, you're not worried about.
He's easy to read,
predictable, one level.
A lot of people have made
that mistake in the past.
Brian.
Show business is littered
with fools like you.
You're worried about Jon.
Jon, he saying you're "formidable".
Touche, Brian.
Smart, meticulous, circumspect.
No, I'm not.
All of your offers
are going to be aimed at Jon.
I've never been treated like this...
by an imaginary person in my life.
It's not an imaginary person, it's
the banker I've got on the phone.
Why can't I hear the background
noise of Spearmint Rhino?
LAUGHTER
The opening offer, Jon...
He's trying to get inside your head
by getting inside mine.
That's what they're trying to do.
He's part of the whole plan.
Shut up, woman!
The opening offer is 6,500.
APPLAUSE
6,500.
You have to agree
on all these decisions.
You can pick the boxes individually
but you have to agree
on these big decisions.
I think it's clear
at the moment, isn't it?
You don't step away from that board.
OK, 6,500.
Deal or no deal?
- No. - Deal.
APPLAUSE
Jon, what are you
planning on doing?
Are you going with his system
or are you going to go rogue?
Three boxes to open.
I don't like the pressure.
Have a move around.
I mean, where are you drawn to?
Where do you think the money is?
What would you pick now?
LAUGHTER
Guys, I know I didn't
come on that weird
Brokeback Mountain trip with you...
but that's because I had a nightmare
about a moment like this.
You are about to find out
what we learnt.
LAUGHING
What would you want to go with?
That was Sean's system.
What are you going to go for?
It's working now, isn't it?
It's not really working.
That's an OK board.
We've got the power five, Jimmy.
I've turned into a Deal person!
LAUGHTER
How did this happen?
The power five are there, yes,
but look how many reds
you're missing now.
So I'm going off system.
Are you?
(AUDIENCE) Oooh!
They are not happy
about you going off system.
He's his own man.
He's got to go with his own...
I'm not my own man!
Why would you go off system?
Jon, imagine me and you
in the Caribbean together.
How do I avoid that happening?
LAUGHTER
I'm going to stick with this
system for two reasons.
One because it's working and two,
because as the system would have it,
it would be Mark,
my remaining friend.
PHONE RINGS
We haven't even chosen something!
I think he just sat on the phone.
Dream Factory.
I'll ask... You're sticking
with the system, yes?
Yes.
The banker says
that he was wrong about you.
(AUDIENCE) Oooh!
Exactly.
Inside your head, Jon.
He's scared of me.
Otherwise he wouldn't be
trying to scare me.
He's more scared of me
than I am of him.
Tell him that. Phone about now.
Do you know his number?
- I can phone him, yes. - Phone him.
One?!
How old is he?
Did he have the first phone?
LAUGHTER
Hello.
Banker.
Brian.
Jon says that you're afraid of him.
He's not afraid of you.
I can hear him crying.
He's saying that that sounds
like the talk of a man
who can't abandon the system because
he wants to be able to blame Sean
for whatever happens.
That's exactly what's happening.
Pick a box.
I'm picking Mark but for my own
reasons, not because of the system.
Mark Olver, friend of the show,
friend of Jon's,
friends of all of ours.
Open your box.
GASPS
Pass me the envelope, mate(!)
The system's broken.
I stuck with you as long as I could
because I'm a good friend.
When a man's got to take a decision,
a man takes a decision.
All right.
What decisions should I make?
I'm going to go with Gemma,
number six.
Gemma Collins, of course,
star of The Only Way Is Essex.
If you won a quarter of
a million pounds, Gemma,
how would you waste it?
I think I would buy a pink Bentley
and then have, like, all
Swarovski crystals inside it.
Right. Inside?
That doesn't sound very comfortable.
Oh, shut up.
Not on the seats. Just on the
dashboard, and the gear stick,
and the steering wheel.
That's what you want on the steering
wheel in the event of an accident.
The hardest substance on earth.
This is the first non-system box
of the game.
And you picked it, Jon.
OK, Gemma, if you could open
the number 6 box.
GROANING
15,000.
Only five reds remain.
Four of them are huge numbers.
I'm going to take the man
who implemented the system
out of the game.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Andy Smart,
you're one of Sean's friends.
I notice a lot of Jon's
friends live with Jon.
All of Sean's previous flatmates
are either dead or missing.
LAUGHTER
OK, shall we open this box?
Let's hope for blue.
APPLAUSE
PHONE RINGS
Oh!
What if we just don't answer.
He'll just go, won't he?
He anticipated that you would
refuse to answer the telephone.
How do we know?
So he hired himself an assistant.
Yes, like a real man.
Send someone else to do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe
Wilkinson, the banker's assistant.
APPLAUSE
Joe, how did you get this job?
I was at the Jobcentre this morning
and they said, did I
want to be a banker's assistant?
I went "No."
But they mentioned a little someone
was going to be on the show,
Susie Dent,
and we've got a bit of history.
From Countdown, you know.
Lovers, I'll say the word.
LAUGHTER
Susie, is that true?
Yes, it's true.
We walked off into the sunset
after one Mash Up
and now I'm going out
with the banker's assistant.
Lucky cow.
LAUGHTER
Landed on her feet.
Imagine having you on tap!
24/7!
Are you hoping to get promoted
within this world of banking?
Yeah, yeah, I'd love that.
Yeah, I'm good at numbers.
Give us a number, give us a number.
Heard of that.
LAUGHTER
PHONE RINGS
I'll get this.
LAUGHTER
Hello.
Oh, hello, Mum.
If you don't mind,
I gave my mum my work number.
LAUGHTER
No, no, I've got a job.
Deal Or No Deal.
Eh, it's all right.
No, no, Noel's not here. No.
Jimmy Carr's hosting it.
Yeah, that is a shame.
LAUGHTER
Eh?
What do I want for tea?
Erm, chicken Kiev.
Er, peas and chips.
All right, beans, it's fine.
LAUGHTER
Dunno, about half-ten?
Oh, don't start!
Why you being like this?
Yeah, all right. Yeah, I love you.
(Yeah, I love you too.)
LAUGHTER
Sends her love.
I presume that's the letter.
I thought it was a birthday card.
He's going to have dropped it
and it's going to be about 2,500,
knowing that dick.
LAUGHTER
The last offer was 6,500.
Second offer is 7,800.
(GASPS) Is that better?
APPLAUSE
That is better, yeah.
You thought he'd go down,
he's gone up.
Can I nip off? I want to have a fag.
Yeah, Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
Give it up for Joe.
CHEERING
7,800.
Are you tempted to...?
No.
Yes.
You choose.
Well, you see, you get distracted
by the top two, don't you?
You think, while they're there...
but if they go, we're knackered.
Rachel Riley, what do you think?
You're good with numbers.
I think they're laying the
groundwork for an all-blue round.
Loads of blues left.
How lucky are they feeling?
The 1p kiss is still out there.
Yeah, but it could be you,
could be John Fothergill.
LAUGHTER
I don't think we can deal when
we've got four of the big five.
I think we should show strength.
Yes.
7,800.
Deal or no deal?
No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
oh-h-h-h-h-h...
oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Deal.
CHEERING
We've got three boxes to open. Sean?
I was tempted to go with John.
All right then.
You think John Fothergill?
You've known Sean for how long?
I was his first wife.
LAUGHTER
It was on the rigs, Jimmy, it was
on the rigs. They were dark days!
I think there's a tenner in here.
CHEERING
It's the 1p kiss, everyone.
(COUGHS)
The 1p is gone.
I don't care whether we win any
money, this show's changed my life!
I want more of that.
OK, you've got two more
boxes to open.
That man, number 4.
He's let me down...
LAUGHTER
..so many times.
Again and again and again.
He's never come through.
Well, I feel quite good about that.
OK, so you've had the perfect
start to this round.
1p has gone,
let's see if you can keep it up.
OK, Dave, open that box 4.
LAUGHTER
Pow!
GROANING
Let you down again!
Oh...!
LAUGHTER
How are you feeling?
Fu... Sh...
Not...
Well, I'm not surprised. Dave does
this again and again and again.
So, that 100,000 is looking
pretty lonely there now.
(MIA) I think you've got to be
a bit more positive.
It's like, you've still got
the 100 grand.
Still got three big ones.
Loads of blues left, get a bit
of positivity, then get a blue next.
CHEERING
Yeah, Jon!
Jon, is there a way you could turn
this into the most important bit
of tidying up you've ever done?
Interesting.
So you have to tidy up the blues
and leave it with 100 grand just
sat on the living room table.
(KATHERINE) I agree. Down with
the system, up with the syndrome!
LAUGHTER
Have a walk around, Jon.
See what you think.
Well, I was going to go and check
the boxes for dust.
Look at that.
Look.
What am I looking at there?
That was on the box.
Wow. Well, you've obviously got
to choose that then, haven't you?
That's clearly an indication.
Absolutely.
I'm the only person who has come
dressed as a box, which is unfair.
OK, Holly,
are you going to open box 21?
She's barely got the strength.
CHEERING
The big, big number went,
but so did the penny.
PHONE RINGS
Banker, tell us what's going on.
Catwoman(?)
It was an extraordinary...
LAUGHTER
The banker said that his assistant
did very well last time.
Joe Wilkinson is coming back,
everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
(JOE) Thank you.
So, last time you came,
you gave us an offer of 7,800.
Yep.
I mean, have you got the authority
to make an offer here?
Have I?
Er...
What would you offer now,
looking at that board?
Shit!
LAUGHTER
We've still got three big reds.
I've got about 1.50 on me,
but I really fancy getting
a KitKat, so about...
I can only go up to 80p,
if I'm honest.
LAUGHTER
Cos I want to get a KitKat.
I want to get a four-finger.
LAUGHTER
All right,
I'll get a two-finger one, 1.20.
Fucking hell!
Come on, serious offer...
1 million!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1 million!
PHONE RINGS
Deal or no deal?!
It's the banker.
He wants to see you in his office.
Oh, piss!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, you're working on your own
from here on in, fair enough.
He's going to be
incredibly generous.
Just because he thinks that
Jon Richardson is a force
to be reckoned with.
The offer is still 7,800.
Oh!
APPLAUSE
So you lost
the quarter of a million,
but he thinks the 1p balanced it.
7,800.
Do you know what's pathetic? Even
though I know that was all a joke,
that compliment
really cheered me up!
Really.
You see, I am naturally pessimistic,
and I would probably deal now.
An optimist would tell you that,
you know, while you've still got
a big number, you've got more
chance of hitting blues,
but a realist would say you're
taking a pounding, take the money.
Yeah, that really sounds like a force
to be reckoned with, doesn't it(?)
LAUGHTER
Someone I wouldn't want
to mess with(!)
Shall we do a sweep?
Shall we say what people think?
I'd love to do a sweep.
This place is dusty.
Gemma, what do you think?
What would you do in this situation?
Would you deal or no deal?
I'd deal.
You'd deal for 7,800?
Does that mean you can get
the money off the banker?
I don't think Gemma
has ever watched the show.
She thinks this is Take Me Out.
LAUGHTER
OK, Mark, what would you go for?
No deal.
Nicola, what would you go for?
No deal.
Stephen?
No deal.
- Nick?- No deal.
- Mia?- No deal.
Nick, are you all right?
We've got 11 boxes left!
LAUGHTER
We're halfway through
the fucking game!
Apologies. Rob?
No deal.
No deal. Andy?
No deal.
No deal.
No deal.
- Elis? - Deal.
Corinne, you're saying no deal.
No deal. Thing is, if you want
to win big, you've got to risk it.
Let's just take a look at
the no deal that Corinne made
last time she was on this show.
She was offered 88,000
and she didn't deal.
What I'm now going to do is either
make your dream come true...
..or not.
Yes.
I hope this is the dream.
GROANING
The penny?
APPLAUSE
You turned down 88,000
and you won a penny,
that I believe
you've got round your neck.
Yes. The reason I turned it down
was I wanted the money
to buy a vintage Bentley.
Of course.
Which would have cost me 200 grand.
So 88 grand wouldn't have bought
what I wanted.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I know it sounds dreadful, but...
That's exactly what we want.
I want to get a charity
a vintage Bentley.
And we're not going to do that
for 7,800.
Let's just quickly do this side.
So, deal or no deal?
No deal.
No deal.
- No deal. - No deal.
- No deal. - No deal.
- No deal.
I don't know.
LAUGHTER
Do you have any idea
what's going on, Tony?
No, but it's addictive.
Alice, what would you go for?
No deal.
You'd go no deal. John?
I think seven grand is a nice
little bit for charity. You know?
And John will double it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'd deal.
You'd deal at this point?
Rachel, what do you think?
I'd no deal.
And Matt?
No deal.
No deal.
You're our resident statistician,
OK?
Why would you not deal
at this point?
Because all you've got to do is
leave one of those big numbers
and you'll probably get
a similar offer,
whatever small one you've got left.
(JON) No!
I'm afraid I was slightly lost in
your eyes. I didn't get any of that.
LAUGHTER
If you've got 35, 50 or 100,
you're likely to get a similar offer,
aren't you?
OK, so are you ready
for the question?
(JON) Yeah.
7,800.
Deal or no deal?
LAUGHTER
(DEEP VOICE) No...
Deal.
CHEERING
Three more boxes to open
straight after the break.
See you then.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
does Deal Or No Deal.
Let's see what's going to happen
next.
Are you ready to open
some more boxes?
I quite like the idea that Nicola
will have a low amount in her box.
Nicola Adams there, Olympic gold.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It feels like a blue.
It feels like blue?
We need this one to be blue.
Open up box number 1.
Good luck.
GROANING
50,000 gone.
Well, I guess it was a red.
LAUGHTER
Don't worry. You are last
on our list of people
we would be upset with.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, Jon?
You can choose this time.
Number 10, Alice.
Alice, Radio One DJ.
May the force be with you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You needed that.
You really needed that.
So, you took a big risk turning down
7,800 and you could be all right
if this last one is a blue.
You've got to believe it
before you can do it.
Don't you feel that you
can look at a box
and fill it with your goodness?
Not a whole box.
I couldn't do a box.
A teaspoon.
LAUGHTER
It's my pick, isn't it?
Number 3, Nong.
Shall we see what
happened last time you opened a box?
If you want.
Let's have a look.
(NOEL EDMONDS) I hope it was
all worth it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was the offer?
68,000.
So 68,000, you said "no deal",
and you won a quarter
of a million pounds?
Yes.
Am I correct in saying that you
live in the Swindon area?
Where Jon used to live?
And you're single?
Yeah.
Do you...?
(LAUGHS)
LAUGHTER
I just thought, because she's got
money and lives in your area.
I'm not laughing...
She laughed in your face.
Brian, I need you.
Send anyone.
So, Nong, let's see if your good
luck can rub off on them.
Open box number 3.
OK. Good luck.
CHEERING
Thank you, Nong.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
That is a vital last box.
He said that every offer
would be aimed at Jon.
9,000 and...
Nong's phone number.
LAUGHTER
In case I want abusing
when I get home as well?
Could you just laugh at me
over the phone while I sleep?
9,000. It's the highest offer
you've had so far.
You've still got the 100,000,
you've still got the 35,000.
Are you daring to dream?
Of course he's not.
LAUGHTER
Purely selfishly, I would rather be
the person who dealt slightly early
but gave 9,000 to charity,
than the person who pushed
too far and gave them,
I don't know, 750 quid.
How is the charity going to get
the Bentley if we don't take a risk?
Do you reckon you'll end up
opening the box?
You might get more money that way.
But if you keep opening boxes,
you're probably not going to get...
Unless
you leave the two big ones, you
won't get much bigger of an offer.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
OK, he's got something
he thinks might be helpful.
If you had an all-blue round now,
he would double your money
to 18,000 on the next offer.
But if we only get the 100,000...
But, Jon, if you have an all-red
round, then it's gone.
22 is the death box,
so all I would say is that probably
hasn't got the 100,000 on it.
Why do you say that?
That's the box that everyone goes,
"Whoa, don't go 22!"
I've nicknamed my box Torres,
to make it blue
and not worth very much.
Oh, nice.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't think if we do a round
we're going to hit three reds.
I really don't.
I think you'll hit blues.
I think you should go one more round,
personally.
What are you guys going to do?
You've got to make a decision
now together, come on.
I mean, I would deal.
Yeah.
Grow a pair, Richardson.
Audience, put your hands up.
Who thinks they should deal?
Who thinks they should no deal?
One of the guys who put his hands
up to deal is Mr Al, and he is
one of the most sort of regular
regulars and experts on the stats.
Why do you think they should deal?
An all-blue round...
The chance of an all-blue
round is 18%.
So it's an 82% chance you will
not have an all-blue round.
You just spoke to Rachel Riley,
so that's your life complete.
LAUGHTER
I'm better with numbers than
I am at chatting up girls.
No shit.
LAUGHTER
(LAUGHS)
If we deal we've still
got to go round
and do all the fucking boxes
anyway, so it doesn't matter.
LAUGHTER
What do you think, Jon, Sean?
An all-blue round is the best
we can possibly do.
But then it's double.
I think we should no deal.
I think that maths says we should
deal but we will probably no deal.
Are you ready for the question?
Yeah.
Sean, Jon, 9,000, deal or no deal?
No...
Deal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They are taking a very brave choice.
9,000, they have said "no deal".
That board is dangerous.
Have they done the right thing,
have they done the wrong thing?
Find out after this break.
We're opening three more boxes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Deal Or No Deal.
Before the break,
Jon and Sean turned down 9,000
on this precarious board.
Come and have a look.
There's only two numbers here
that matter - 35,000 and 100,000.
You've got to pick three boxes now
and if those two go...
you're in a lot of trouble.
So you've turned down 9,000.
It strikes me that, Jon,
you did not want to do that.
You can't live with regret, can you,
Jimmy? You've got to stay positive.
And I'd like Susie Dent
to open box 16.
Susie Dent.
We really need a blue here, Susie.
OK.
Open up the box.
(SINGS THE COUNTDOWN THEME)
Wrong tune.
Oh, no, that's the right one.
LAUGHTER
THEY ALL SING THE COUNTDOWN THEME
Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da, boom!
(SEAN SINGS THE THEME
FROM MATCH OF THE DAY)
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Um...Elis.
Elis. You're a stand-up comedian,
you're from Wales.
Yeah.
Could it be blue? Is it blue?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You both remember
what the banker said.
He said
if you got an all-blue round,
he would double
the offer from 9,000 to 18,000.
You're one blue box away
from 18,000, guaranteed.
I would go with box 8
to even it up, so it's two-a-side.
For this vital box, you've gone for
one of the unluckiest players
there's ever been.
Corinne, a little bit of good
luck for them would be blue now.
Come on, Corinne, open box 8.
CHEERING
Yes.
You've turned this round.
Wildly against the odds -
it was an 18% chance of going
on a blues cruise there. You did it.
PHONE RINGS
LAUGHTER
Banker.
Brian.
LAUGHTER
The offer is 18,000, as he said.
APPLAUSE
18,000 for that board.
Ooh, Brian!
LAUGHTER
Do you think you can defy
the odds again? I mean...
We would have to keep the 100...
Mm.
..to get a better offer.
Jon, to be fair, you've compromised
when you've needed to.
You've got to a significant
amount of money now.
18 grand to a charity -
that could employ four of those
clipboard people for a year!
LAUGHTER
I would've dealt last time.
So, you know...
What about you guys?
Show of hands - who would deal?
Who would deal?
Who would no deal?
About 50-50.
It shows it's a tough decision -
what are you guys going to do?
What do you want to do, Jon?
I think we should deal.
Fine.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
I mean, that noise is
going to happen whatever I say.
When it's 50-50, 50% of the audience
are going to go, "Boo!"
Aren't you?
(AUDIENCE) No.
Let's try that.
What would the noise be
if you said...?
I think we should no deal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean, Jon,
are you ready for the question?
Are we?
No.
I think we should possibly no deal,
but 18,000 is a lot of money,
so if you want to deal,
I'm happy to deal.
I would no deal, I'd carry on.
(TUTS) Shit.
LAUGHTER
It's hard, isn't it?
Come on - deal or no deal?
I think we should go no deal.
(AUDIENCE) Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoo!
Do you want to risk it?
Or do you want 18,000
guaranteed now?
Deal or no deal?
No deal.
No deal!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They've gone no deal.
If you don't hit that 100,000
on the next three boxes,
we're in for a big offer.
Let's go, let's pick those boxes.
18, Tony Law.
Three vital boxes.
Ugh.
Tony Law, we're looking for 10p,
we're looking for 750 in this box.
Please, Tony.
As long as it's not a foot.
LAUGHTER
OK, we're hoping it's not
a human foot. Or 100,000.
Don't... Don't be that.
Or a foot.
It's 35,000.
Oh, I'm sorry.
OK, that is off the table now.
We've still got the 100,000 left.
It's a one-box game.
What are you going to go for?
What do you want, Jon? 22, 17 or 11?
Er...
Steve Frost, 17.
Steve Frost, 17.
Open up the box, Steve,
show us what's in there.
We're looking for blue.
Maybe we should've dealt.
LAUGHTER
Wise words, Sean. Wise words.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
750.
Tens of thousands of pounds
rest on this last box.
Which box
are you going to open next?
Rachel, 22.
The death box.
I'm going to stand up for this.
- Really? - Yeah.
If this is the 100,000,
you've thrown away 18,000.
But if it isn't...
you've made a fortune
for your charities.
Jon Richardson is a man
that never takes risks,
but he's taken a massive risk today.
Oh, God. OK.
Come on, Rachel,
reward their courage.
Come on, Torres, score for once.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
5,000.
It's red,
but it really doesn't matter.
It really doesn't matter.
PHONE RINGS
Optimism.
Banker.
He's saying that, Jon, you took
a risk there. He admires that.
He's saying, Sean,
he underestimated you.
It happens to so many.
LAUGHTER
This offer is aimed at both of you.
The offer is 32,000.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32,000.
Well, we have to deal on that.
We have to - we have no choice.
I think we should go on.
- Do you? - No!
LAUGHTER
Cos that's... That's not fair,
is it, to end up with 10p?
10p, you'd have to divide that
between both charities, so that's...
Do we know?
Yeah. I think so, yes. Yeah.
You ready for the question?
- Mm. - Yeah.
So 32,000...
..deal or no deal?
Deal. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean Lock and Jon Richardson
just won 32,000
for their chosen charities.
Let's see what you've got in here.
Let's see
if you've spanked the banker.
We all want to see the 10p, yes?
(ALL) Yeah!
If the 10p's in here, you will
have played the perfect game.
You sold what was in this box
for 32,000.
OK?
(CHUCKLES)
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You have spanked the banker!
Fantastic.
Well played there.
(SEAN) Perfect game.
Rob, show us what's in that box.
I told you I was good at raffles.
LAUGHTER
100,000.
Game over.
32,000 won
for your chosen charities.
Let's quickly
hear about those charities.
What charity were you raising
money for today?
The charity's called the
Pseudo Obstructive Research Trust.
It's a digestive problem
that affects young people
and it gets misdiagnosed as bulimia.
They can't digest their food
and then they vomit
and they're often misdiagnosed
as a psychological condition
when it's physical.
It happens a lot to young children
and young adults.
That's a great charity.
Jon, what are you raising money for?
For Help The Hospices,
because my nan died this year and
she had hospice care
and it's not funded,
so they rely on Deal Or No Deal.
(LAUGHS)
A wonderful thing.
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jon Richardson and Sean Lock.
Give them a round of applause.
Thank you.
32,000 they walk away with
for their charities.
Thanks to our box openers, our
wonderful audience - the pilgrims -
and to everyone
for watching at home.
That's it from 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Deal Or No Deal.
Good night!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Red Bee Media Ltd