Achmed Saves America (2014) Movie Script

Hi, everyone.
I'm Jeff Dunham.
Greetings, infidels.
I am Achmed, the dead terrorist.
I have a question
for you, Achmed.
I am all ears,
without actual ears.
All right.
Who's your favorite
cartoon character?
- Is this a trick question?
- No. Seriously, who is it?
As in Winnie the Pooh?
Yes, and Eeyore.
He was so sad.
And Piglet?
Don't be an idiot.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
What is the point of this?
What if you, Achmed,
were animated?
A cartoon?
- Right.
- Like Tigger?
- Sure.
- That would be fantastic.
Then wish for it.
- What?
- Make a wish.
Oh, like,
"I wish I were animated"?
- Hi, everybody.
- Aah!
I am Tinker Bubba.
- What the-
- Hi, Tinker Bubba.
Did I hear someone make a wish?
That was Achmed.
A wish?
What wish?
You said you wished
to be intoxicated.
- No, animated.
- Oh, well, I can do that too.
This is ridic-
Ah! Oh!
What happened to me?
Why do I look like this?
- Thank you, Tinker Bubba.
- You're welcome.
You infidel fairy.
Toot-toot for now.
Got to fly.
- You tricked me.
- You got your wish.
And why am I like this?
It's for your
new animated special,
Achmed Saves America.
Enjoy the show.
Come back, Tinker Bubba!
I will kill you.
Oh, not a phone call
while I'm riding.
I have coverage
all the way out here
and not a cell tower in sight.
Yes, yes.
What? What?
Why are you still alive?
Nice talking to you too.
Wheel of Fortune!
I should have heard
a big boom by now.
You have worked for us
for three years,
and you still haven't killed
infidel one.
I swear, you are
the worst terrorist
in the whole
non-Muslim world.
I am not.
As a devout non-Muslim,
I am offended by that.
Are you forgetting you blew up
a training camp?
The only thing left
was the monkey bars.
Oh, please.
We are so much better than them.
Do not worry, Hassan.
I will get it right this time.
Achmed, focus!
You're not losing your nerve,
are you?
Are you kidding?
I'd be crazy not to want
to kill myself.
Then tell me why you are doing
this mission.
Because you told me to.
Wrong answer!
Because I hate the infidel.
And why do you hate the infidel?
Because you told me to.
Right answer.
So don't screw this up.
Why do you treat me like a fool?
The bomb is ready to go.
I'm alive.
I failed!
Son of a female dog.
Well, it obviously can't get
any worse than this.
What the Hezbollah?
Let me go, you flying jackal.
Release me at once.
Clutch me again!
I was kidding!
I was kidding!
Well, that used to hurt.
Wait. Where is this
aluminum devil taking me?
Hmm. Hey.
Death to America... ville.
Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13.
I have arrived
in the land of the infidels.
It will only be a matter
of time until-Aah!
Oh, boy.
I don't know what that was,
but it made a doozy of a noise.
I hope we hit something cool.
Then this day wouldn't be
a total loss.
Everyone's at the mall
except me.
And now my life is over.
Well, I know we hit something,
but darn if I know what it was.
Turn around, asshat.
Is that what we hit?
Is he dead?
Can't we go now?
No, honey.
We have to help him.
Here you go, buddy.
You're fine.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Wait, stop.
Let me give you a hand
with that.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, that is a hand.
Get your hands off of me.
And the diaper goes
on top, right?
- Wait a minute.
- That's a knee.
I don't even touch myself there.
- That's a...
- What are you doing?
- ...third knee.
- Stop touching me!
You put my ass in front!
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you.
Oh, that makes me feel
so much better.
I guess we should exchange
insurance information-
Oh, that looks like ours.
- Ew!
- Oh,
Can we get you to a doctor
or something?
I want nothing to do with you.
How I wish that evil airplane
had never carried me
from my homeland to this
wretched America of yours.
Mom, did you hear that?
He said he just flew here.
Maybe he's our exchange student.
Claude, the French kid
we missed at the airport?
I hate you,
and I hate this country.
Oh, yeah, he's French.
We better stop him.
Excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
What? What? What?
What devil is this?
Bill, no.
You give your dogs people names?
What did you name your kids,
Bubbles and Cujo?
Billy, off!
I'm sorry.
He just likes you.
Oh, great.
When does the humping start?
By any chance, are you Claude?
Of course I am Claude.
I'm clawed, scratched, bitten,
licked, and humped,
but mostly I am clawed.
So you're saying you're Claude?
you stupid American infidel.
- That's wonderful.
- What?
Claude, we are
your host family, the Wilsons,
and we're so happy you're here.
Are you infidels friendly
or idiots
or just friendly idiots?
Sorry about the mix-up
at the airport,
but that is all over now.
Let's get you to your new home.
You're taking me to your cave?
Well, I do have a man cave.
It's the garage.
Is he naked?
Try not to make him feel bad,
okay, honey?
He's probably poor.
Let's get you a hot meal first.
We have the foreigner.
Can we please go to the mall?
I have moled myself,
"first season
of Homeland" style,
among the enemy, the hated ones.
These people who call themselves
Wilson are cunning, though.
They insist on treating me
with respect
and feeding me
an obscene amount of food
that I can barely keep down.
I have the same problem.
Their town is in terrible shape,
and their lives are filled
with emptiness and failure,
yet they don't take
the obvious route
of blowing themselves
and everyone around them up.
What's up with that?
I just work
on the assembly line now,
but my dream is to design
the cars, like this.
This is a gas-guzzling,
obnoxious testament
to everything the rest of
the world hates about America.
It'll be a huge seller
and save the company.
If only my boss
would look at it.
He will, because it's perfect,
honey, just like you.
These are nothing
like the Americans
I was taught to hate,
which makes me hate them more.
Plus, I had no idea
women could drive.
Well, this is your home
for the summer, Claude.
It's cozy, but we love it.
I am nauseated
by the evil stench of decadence.
- He did it.
- Now, Kevin.
Don't pick on our guest.
He's had a long day.
You know he was hit
by a minivan.
Why don't you and your sister
go toss the football
- or something?
- Fine.
I'm going to Angie's.
Don't ignore your phone.
It's not the phone I ignore.
Kids today.
In my land, they would have
both been stoned by now.
That's right.
You French kids start drinking
early, don't you?
Wayne, remember our surprise.
Oh, sure.
Be right back.
So now that I am deep
in the bowels of the enemy,
I will make it my mission
to explode out a reeky,
steaming vengeance,
but how and when?
Are you Catholic?
No, we're American.
Claude, you got here
just in time for our town's
100th birthday celebration,
and it's tomorrow!
Ginny's in charge
of the parade and the fireworks.
It's going to be some show.
Large crowds?
We'll fix your room up, Claude.
You go ahead.
I'll just be here innocently
plotting and scheming.
This is going to be easier
than I thought.
Stupid Americans.
They always leave their dynamite
just lying around.
Let me go!
I kill you!
- Oh, stop.
- Stop that.
I cannot be murderous
when I am being tickled.
I kill you!
Stop it!
I've been working
on my big bomb
All the dead long night
Dear diary, my bomb is complete.
Tomorrow I will get my revenge
on these people
who have been so nice to me.
Here's a soft pillow.
How I hate them.
Is it hypoallergenic?
Just like you asked.
Yes, thank you, evil,
American, monster she-woman.
You French have such
colorful words for everything.
Oh, are you writing a book'?
Yes, it is a book
of humorous observations
about small-town life,
like the kind by your famous
instigator of suicide,
Garrison Keillor.
That's nice.
Nighty-night now.
Hello, gorgeous.
I want to talk to you.
I don't have a bomb.
You're not fooling me, kid.
I know why you're here.
Is that so?
My parents brought you here
just to make me look bad.
La la la la.
I can't compare
to how cool you are.
You're from France and all.
I hate you.
Aw, really?
I hate you too.
My dad thinks I should be
playing football,
but I don't want to do that.
I'm good at other stuff-
secret stuff I've never
even told my parents about.
You wish to lie
with another boy of your gender?
I want to be a ventriloquist.
A what?
You know, a ventriloquist.
I have a dummy.
I make it talk.
We tell jokes in front of big
audiences and get big laughs.
That is a job?
' Yes!
That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
Seriously, who is going to pay
to see anyone do that crap?
But I'm good at it.
I've been practicing
with my new dummy.
Da-d a-d a-d a!
Little Jeff.
Hiya, Claude.
That toy is possessed
with a human spirit!
I pound your face with a shoe,
which is the worst thing
you can do
to someone in my country
for some reason
that no one has
ever explained to anyone.
Hey, what's wrong with you?
I'm sorry
I said anything to you.
This is gonna be a long summer.
Or a short one.
It's only you.
I thought
you were Jessica Chastain.
Who's that?
She was the crazy bitch
in The Help.
What are you doing here?
I was, like, out
with my boyfriend,
now my ex-boyfriend.
Ugh. I hate him.
I wish he was dead.
Does he live
within a 20-mile radius
of tomorrow's parade?
Please don't tell Mom and Dad.
The place where my lips
once were is sealed.
They never liked him anyway.
They think I have, like,
bad taste in guys?
You? No.
Don't be so hard on your-
I felt something just now.
Well, that was my detonator-
bomb, penis, nothing!
You're so funny.
And I love your French accent.
Cassidy, are you home?
Got to go.
I'll love you till I die.
Stay within
the 20-mile radius.
- Good night, Cassidy.
- Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Kevin.
- Good night, Dad!
Good night, Ginny!
Why are you screaming at me
when I'm lying
right next to you?
Sorry, honey!
Good night, little Jeff!
Good night, "ethery-diddy"!
Good night, bomb.
Great job, Mom.
And don't you two look nice.
Yeah, I got this shirt
at the-
Ah! It's almost time
for the show to start.
Kevin, do you know
where Claude is?
No, Mom, I don't.
"Claude. Claude.
Where's Claude?"
Everybody loves the French guy.
He was in the car with us.
He had on this great
French cologne.
It smelled like sawdust
and fertilizer.
Here we are!
Almost there.
Nobody help or touch me, please.
Also, please turn off
all cell phones.
Claude, you look so patriotic.
Yes, it is patriotism
is given me a glow in my heart
and a pain in my neck.
Ginny, the town square
looks great.
This event will be just
the thing to turn around
our town spirit
and get me reelected,
or you're fired.
Just kidding.
Not really.
Mayor McEwen, this is Claude,
our French exchange student.
Bonjour, Claude.
Comment allez-vous?
Uh, ou est la toilette fromage?
Oh, that's cute.
What the hell?
Holy crap!
Pardon my French.
Hey, Ginny, nice shindig.
A little low-key
if you ask me.
I mean, where's the eagle?
Nothing says kick-ass
like a flag
with wings that go Americaw!
- Americaw!
- Americaw!
- Americaw!
- Ah!
Claude, these are
our neighbors, the Andersons.
Chet and Ev, this is Claude.
Nice to meet you, Claude.
You know, I usually
don't like you Frenchies,
but in your case,
I'll make an exception.
Don't be an idiot.
I hate the French.
Well, then we are gonna
be simpatico.
Ha. That's Mexican for
"I wet your back, you wet mine."
Such a delightful racist.
I like you.
Way to set an example, Chet.
Carl Zimmer.
We're not all tea-bagging
wing nuts like him, Claude.
Yeah? And we're not all
freedom-hating, Al-kissing,
gunless lesbians like this guy.
Please, can't you two get along?
Very soon
none of this will matter.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go
to the little French boys' room.
Hurry back.
You don't want to miss the show.
My show will leave
a bigger impression.
Five minutes to blow time.
I should totally tweet that.
Justin Bieber
is going to be in Portland!
And in the centennial spirit,
suits at
Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall
are on sale for $100.
Supply is limited.
Suits may have been pre-worn.
Now, we have a very special
guest here today, uh, somewhere.
I don't know where he-
There he is.
Claude, up here.
A big hand for our new friend
from France, everyone.
You don't know me
from a hole in the ground,
but get ready!
Bye, now.
Oh, no, you're not going
anywhere, our new friend.
I'm being illegally detained
by a large black man
who is dressed very nicely.
You big silly.
We have something for you.
Oh, good.
I have something for you too.
You first.
America is a nation
of foreigners,
and you're our first legal one.
And now Raul's Gardening Service
would like to give you
a 21-leaf-blower salute.
That's why we're all here-
to thank you and welcome you!
You people are all
so moronically cheerful.
Now, to help celebrate
Claude's arrival,
put your hands together
for American Idol season nine
Hollywood round
almost semifinalist,
Ronny Huntingchurch!
Well, this is for you, Claude.
A million years ago,
when Columbus sailed the sea
He hadn't planned on the place
he'd land on
Would still be brave
and free
We welcome the Irish,
the Chinaman, and Jew
But let me say,
on behalf of the USA
There's no better foreigner
than you
Wait. I can't be crying.
I must have shrapnel in my eye.
You're the quill
in Jefferson's hand
You're Patton
at Custers last stand
George Washington's teeth,
the great Toby Keith
You put the "heart"
in heartland
And we say to you
with pride soon to bust
We pray to our God
But it's in Claude
That we trust
You-you trust me?
What a fatwa.
The guys have it all wrong.
You are the best infidels ever.
Where I am from, no one is nice.
They stay in their caves,
knee-deep in camel poop,
covering their wives so they
look like Pac-Man ghosts.
That's French for you.
I love this country.
Life to America!
I'll be right back.
That really hurt.
You'll get used to it.
Where is that bomb?
It's always
in the last place you look.
There you are.
You actual, literal
son of a bitch.
No, no, no, no,
that is not a squeaky bomb.
Give me that bomb.
I have to save the people
I wanted to kill a minute ago.
The things I have to do.
Billy, look what I have for you.
It's your favorite...
Go get it, Bill!
That was close.
That's a pretty big button.
I bet this looks awesome
from down there!
He really loves America.
I sure hope so.
America, I love you!
Still love it.
Loving it a little less.
I'm at
Americaville General Hospital
where an entire town
is holding a vigil
for someone they just met
this morning...
a brave little boy
from France named Claude.
La la la la!
It's burning.
Doctor, is he gonna be okay?
Well, he displays
no vital signs whatsoever.
The technical term
for that is "dead."
- Golly, that sounds serious.
- Huh?
He's waking up.
My boyfriend's waking up.
The wire that's blue
will not hurt you.
The wire that's red
will make us dead.
Shh. I think he's trying
to tell us something.
The bomb on the bus goes
Bing, bang, boom
Bing, bang, boom
Bing, bang, boom,
bing, bang, bang
Bada, bada-bing, bing
Hey, everybody!
Oh, the pain!
It's making me say things
only sung at terrorist camp.
Well, that's the most
we can expect
from him right now, I'm afraid.
We should leave him now.
He needs his rest.
Mom, I guess you'll need
someone to take
Claude's spot in the parade.
I've been working on something.
I can be
in a real American parade
where people wait all night
to get great seats
to watch other people walk?
Count me in!
I thought you were dead.
It's a miracle.
I declare
this centennial parade started!
Look what you did, Claude.
You've inspired the entire town.
Thank you.
I don't have
to blow up again, do I?
Congratulations, Claude.
In the words of Michelle Obama,
"For the first time
in my adult lifetime,
I'm really proud
of my country."
Yes, we heard her say that.
That is when we recruited her.
She is a true American.
Yes, and her hair
is actually straight.
Son, you're the real hero,
210% American.
You people suck at mathematics.
I love it.
Claude, Dave Chester, CNN.
I love you Quys.
You're the Borders Books
of cable networks.
you've only been here two days,
and you've already been hit
by a truck, gotten blown up,
rolled down a hill
in a fiery Dumpster...
And I've tried curly fries.
So how do you like our country?
Well, I'm in America,
so I won't tell you how I feel.
I will sing, just like those
30-year-old teenagers
on that bafflingly beloved
TV show Glee.
I love to hate-watch it.
When I was merely
four years old
There was nothing
I thought greater
Than to turn this nation
you call home
Into a giant smoking crater
But like Miley Cyrus
and her bong
Or Brett Favre
texting all night long
Or Mitt Romney's awful
Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care
I was wrong, I was wrong
I was wrong
I was wrong, I see no drone
Yes, I was wrong,
Obama phone
And so unconscious
and half dead
I wrote this song
You folks are quite
easily suckered
But your heart's
where it belongs
I don't know why I can't deny
that I was wrong
Running water,
Girls Gone Wild
No bombs strapped
to any child
- Ah!
- I find I am beguiled
- Americaw!
- Yeah, what he said.
So much food you throw away
So much TV filled with gay
I love you, Project Runway,
so I canceled my fatwa
'Cause I was wrong
- Oh, he was wrong
- Yes, I was wrong
So very wrong
About America,
I say that I was-
Wrong, wrong, wrong
When I look
across your faces
Be they Wilson, Berg,
or Chong
I must admit I am a twit,
and I was wrong
Oh, I'll miss my friend
the sniper
And my flea-infested cave
I'll sort of miss
my second chance
To have an early grave
But even though
you're filled with sin
Like Blind Side,
you all took me in
A foreigner who has no skin
Get away from him!
He's mine!
I was wrong, I was wrong,
I was wrong
Yes, you're dim
and rather simple
And you shouldn't wear
a thong
But it's clear
I shall stay here
For I was wrong,
wrong, wrong
Yes, it is clear
I shall stay here
Where I belong
All right, you can do it
just this once.
- Good night, Ginny.
- Good night, Claude.
- Good night, Wayne.
- Good night, Claude.
- Good night, Cassidy.
- Good night, Claude.
- Good night, Kevin.
- Good night, Claude.
Good night, Kevin's creepy,
dead-eyed boy doll.
Shut "ut"!
Good night, America.
Chet, you're gonna crash
this thing!
We're already late,
thanks to you.
Will you hurry up?
Well, I'm sorry.
My flip-flop blew out.
Well, then you're gonna be
left behind.
I want to make sure Claude
sees me cheering him on.
Hey, there, Carl.
Nice view, huh?
It's all right.
So, uh...
Any room up there for-
No, Chet, not really.
I've been waiting here
all morning.
Look, can you help a friend out?
I could help you,
but then you'd come to depend
on that help,
like a welfare queen.
God dang it.
Hey, uh, boss, check it out.
It has dual quad carbs
like an original muscle car,
but I designed it
to sit on a chassis
of our existing midsize,
so you'd only
have to make a few tweaks
on the assembly line to-
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
You think maybe later
I could have my picture taken
with the French kid?
Sure, but maybe then
can you look at the-
I'll definitely think
about it, Wayne.
Can we Photoshop Claude
in with the CEO, do you think?
- I guess
- Yeah, great, great.
I got to pee.
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Mayor Stan McEwen.
I'm not sure what
we're in store for today,
but I know it will be special.
It is my honor
to present the chairwoman
of my reelection campaign,
Mrs. Ginny Wilson.
Hello, everyone.
I know you're waiting
for the main event,
so I'll just read
from these prepared remarks
written by our special guest.
"Good afternoon, my cherished
new American fiends."
Wha-it-it says "fiends" here.
That is
a typo and not a Freudian slip
reflecting something
I used to believe
with every fiber of my being.
"I hope you will appreciate
the wonderful surprise
I hate for you."
"And I hope
it will kill you."
More typos.
Stupid AutoCorrect.
Am I right?
Maybe we should skip.
Right, right.
Well, clearly I'm not
very good at this,
so let me hand over the program
to the reason
we're all here today,
Americaville's new favorite son,
your friend and mine, Claude!
Thank you!
You are too kind.
If I could have-
Thank you.
Really, this is too much.
Thank you.
I've had some time to reflect
on what you wonderful people
in this wonderful town
in this wonderful country
mean to me.
And today I, Claude,
from France,
want to pay you back
for the hospitality
you have shown me,
to thank not just
the Wilson family.
Give them a hand.
There they are.
Very nice.
Cassidy, please,
don't get hooked on me.
Choose one of the many
idiot boys in this town.
And, Kevin, I like you.
I really do.
Put down that stupid dummy.
You will never get girls
as long as you have that thing.
Anyway, I am so grateful
to all of you
that I have decided
to present you with a gift,
much as you Americans were given
the Statue of Liberty
by my country of France-
France being the place
lam from and no place else.
Here it is!
Hey, that's just Big Rock Rock.
- Hmm.
- Yes...
But thanks to my talents
in explosives,
talents which I learned
along with every other
French school boy in France,
the land of my birth,
I present to you...
Mount America Foreverberg!
These are your four greatest
American icons-
billionaire wig model
Donald Trump...
professional man-hater
Taylor Swift...
tiny ageless weirdo
Tom Cruise...
and famed drug lord
Lance Armstrong!
I'm getting a hankering
for the full-on salute.
So you still do get those?
Tom Cruise starred
in one of my favorite films,
Jerry Maguire.
I got misty when Renee Zellweger
dumped him.
Thanks for the spoiler, jerk.
I haven't watched it yet.
We love you!
- Way to go.
- You're the best, Achmed.
My American dream has come true.
I believe I can safely say,
with no fear of being
ironically contradicted,
that nothing,
I mean nothing,
can ruin this golden moment.
Hello, Achmed.
Holy crap.
United States Americans,
my name is Hassan al-Hassan.
Hey, that there's a terrorist.
Nice going, Chet.
Just because
he has an Arabic name,
he's automatically a terrorist.
I am a terrorist.
Welcome to America.
This person is a traitor!
Achmed's name isn't Claude.
Achmed's name is Achmed.
It is?
- And he is a terrorist.
- He is?
And he is a skeleton.
He is?
- A re r-re re-to n?
- I am?
Yeah, but if his name
is Achmed, then where's Claude?
Is what he said true?
No, no, no, I'm no terrorist.
I'm a nice guy.
You know, the real me,
production-number me.
Remember my song?
Everything you know about me
says I'm a great guy
and a true American.
Everything except this!
I found this in his room.
All his plans to blow us up
are in here...
and some weird drawings of him
riding a flying horse?
It was a superhero character
I was working on-
Turban Cowboy.
It's turban time.
Well, now that I hear it
out loud...
Come on, guys.
This is America,
where if you're white,
you can get away with anything.
And there's nobody
whiter than me.
I know him.
In my heart, it's not true.
- Crazy.
- What about my reelection?
I think he might be a terrorist.
Please, I beg you.
Listen to me.
Are any of us
what we really appear to be?
Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist.
If you would only listen.
I kill you!
Is what a real terrorist
might say.
I guess we should call
the police.
Not necessary.
I'm a deputy.
You bought that at a toy store.
I didn't buy this
at no toy store.
I won it at a church raffle.
Say your prayers, bonehead.
This is FBI agent Jack Bauer.
Not the one from TV.
It's my real name.
It's fairly common.
I get this all the time.
Calm down.
You have 24 seconds
to surrender, starting now.
Oh, no,
I'm too pretty for prison.
Yes, you are.
Achmed, before you go,
there's someone who wants
to say something.
You're a "dad" man!
You should "de" ashamed.
That toy is possessed
with a human spirit!
Foot bones, don't fail me now!
Stop it, Chet.
You're gonna hurt somebody.
Freedom ain't free, Ev.
Not so fast!
I've got a Mexican,
and I'm not afraid to use it.
I am not an "it."
My name is Carlos.
This is not about you.
Anybody makes a move,
and I blow him.
With the leaf blower.
I can't believe
you all went there.
I am so disappointed.
Ah, screw it.
Good-bye, Americaville.
Hello, traitor.
It's day five of
"America Made to Look Stupid."
The little town of Americaville
deals with the revelation
that they've been harboring
the known terrorist Achmed
who lived among
them in disguise.
Reaction to this story has come
from across
the political spectrum,
with Democrats and Republicans
finally finding common ground
on something.
Americaville, now known
as Terrorist Town, USA,
is the worst city
in the entire United States.
It's a town of pinheads,
and the biggest pinheads of all
are the family
that harbored the terrorist.
And they're the subject
of my new book,
Killing the Wilsons.
America is a country
of laws and due process,
but in the Wilsons' case,
a drone strike
is too good for them.
Are we even sure
that Mr. Wilson is the father
of this terrorist?
Automaker U.S. Motors,
where terrorist harborer
Wayne Wilson once worked,
announced today that,
as a gesture of apology,
they will close
their Americaville plant,
demolish it, burn the ruins,
lock the ashes
in a concrete vault,
and bury the vault
under Giants Stadium.
Would you mind
if we turned that off?
Sorry. We're under orders
to make you watch it
and keep TiVo-ing back
to the beginning.
And they're the subject
of my new book,
Killing the Wilsons.
So that's your testimony.
You had no idea this fella was
a terrorist or a skeleton?
No, we just liked him.
Okay, we're done here.
Thank you.
Maybe we can go back to some
version of our lives and-
No, ma'am, you don't understand.
I said we're done here.
This is not the America
I grew up in.
I advise you to be quiet.
Anything you say may be used
against you at trial.
Oh, there won't be a trial.
Uh, no worries, then.
Here we go.
My friends,
today your new life begins,
for just on the other side
of this tunnel is America
and your new Home... Depot
parking lot.
' Yes!
Oh, we are finally
out of that wretched place
and away
from those horrible people.
But you guys have fun.
Knock yourselves out.
I can't believe
the Wilsons just gave me up
after all we meant
to each other.
I broke bread with them.
I put a bomb
in their guest room.
How could you let yourself
be brainwashed
by those infidels,
after we spent so much time
brainwashing you to hate them?
I guess I am just washable.
Soon this will all be over,
and the decadent nation
will only be a bitter memory.
Two tickets for the Third World,
please, first-class.
May the Wilsons rot in hell!
I am glad
I will never see them again.
What's this?
There we see the escaped
terrorist's accomplices
being led away to prison.
Terrorist lovers, go home!
Go back to another country!
They were not my accomplices.
I was the mastermind
of this fiasco.
If I could just say one thing...
Claude, Achmed,
wherever you are,
- if you can hear me...
- I can!
We know you're really
a nice boy,
and we hope you're okay.
The Wilsons are put
onto the prison bus and...
I can't let the Wilsons
become the first innocent people
ever wrongly imprisoned
in America.
Hassan, you must take me
back there to help them.
You are insane.
I wouldn't pay more attention
to the shrieks
of a rabid water buffalo.
Oh, yes, how is your wife?
Zing, boom!
American put-down humor.
For that, I should kill
until you are dead.
But she is fine.
She's lost some weight.
She's more cow
than water buffalo.
Anyway, come to your senses!
Why do you want to go back
to that devil-filled country?
All right, I will tell you.
I want you to imagine a place
where all are equal
and all are welcome,
no matter where you came from
or who your father was
or how much land you own.
It's a place dedicated
to the pursuit of happiness,
where all the good things
in life are spread before you.
And it is your right to take
as much as your heart desires.
This place, my friend,
is called HomeBound Buffet.
And America is filled with them.
These people-
they all seem so happy.
That's what unlimited buffet
does for a nation.
Surely there must be
some limits.
All right,
they serve dinner, yes,
but surely not desert.
Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar
with all kinds of toppings-
Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch.
Don't say Butterfingers.
Don't say Butterfingers.
I must go there at once.
Let me in!
I must go to...
Route 75, America,
at the West Town Country Mall
at once.
No! We have to save
the Wilsons first.
- Just a little fro-yo?
- Okay.
One standard serving of fro-yo,
no more than two toppings.
Ooh, yay!
Let us in!
Hey, you.
Get away from there.
Holy crap.
It's the po-po.
That's the funny name
they have for police in America.
I love it.
I said get out of here.
No entry!
But we have to save our friends.
The FBI thinks
they are terrorists,
but they're not.
We are...
is what a bad person would say
in the scene
from our new Broadway musical,
Les Mis Arabs.
Uh, got to go!
After 'em!
Achmed, I am so sorry.
What do we do now?
We do what Americans do.
- Eat?
- No.
What Americans do
when they run out of options.
Throw a Hail Mary pass?
They pray.
But we pray all the time,
like, 38 times a day.
No, no, we have to pray
like Americans.
How is that?
They ask for things
like sports victories,
no pregnancy,
and celebrity side boob.
What do we pray for-
side boob?
A miracle.
Side boob.
Aah! Aah!
It's American.
Yes, bald eagle,
mighty American symbol,
who is the second-place choice
after a turkey,
take us into America.
It's turban time!
We have live team coverage
of the bus convoy
as it slowly makes its way
down the main street
of Americaville
and on to Guantanamo.
Let's go now live
to our Madison Ashford,
who's embedded
with the terrorist family
and their captors.
Dave, I'm here
with the terrorist sympathizers.
We simply gave him a home.
Confessed terrorist sympathizers
as they head to their
well-earned imprisonment.
There's no place like home.
Another barrage of eggs
has hit the bus.
That's why I'm in body armor.
There's my Girl Scout leader
and my civics teacher.
Well, who threw all those?
Father O'Malley
and Rabbi Weisman
are holding a slingshot
for Imam Abdullah.
Well, at least we helped bring
some people together.
Wilsons, if there's a hell,
you're going to it.
Hey, when this is over,
you guys want to walk
into a bar?
I am so full.
I think America is going
to mean death to me.
Funny. That could be the title
of your memoir.
That's a little too
on the nose for me.
I will ask the Wilsons
what they think about it.
The Wilsons!
We've got to save them.
Hassan, we must leave now,
but stealthfully
to avoid detection.
How was your meal, gentlemen?
Oh, it was perfect,
so delicious.
But we have to go now.
We're bringing out a new trough
of Butterfinger pieces.
How very fattening of you.
- Are they freshly crumbled?
- You bet ya.
Much as we'd like to gorge
ourselves into an early grave,
we really have to go...
Charlie Sheen.
- Bush.
- Is something wrong?
Oh, no,
it's all hunky-dory.
What could be wrong?
We've had
our ridiculously huge dinner,
burped and farted
to our heart's content,
and now we're leaving,
just like any other Americans-
I look so young in that picture.
Holy crap.
Well, it looks
like you've got us.
Oh, look, they're putting out
more pizza bread.
- Ooh!
- Go! Go, go, go, go!
More sprinkles, please.
Oh, and some fresh bread.
Wow. This country throws out
so many cars.
It's fantastic!
I know, right?
This is not good.
The Wilsons need me,
and I've let them down.
The least I can do,
in case we don't make it,
is write a note
that clears them.
Can it be?
Hassan, how are you
at building things?
Not as good
as blowing things up.
That's going to have to change.
Grab that welding crap
and come with me.
- What are we building?
- You'll see!
These are hurting my wrists.
Sorry, ma'am.
I'm under orders.
All right.
You can do that?
It's highly classified.
So are you.
I'm not sure you know
what that word means,
but thank you.
Ooh, Chris Matthews is going
to get moist over this.
Honey, ain't this the best
anniversary present,
seeing our neighbors
go to prison?
Jewelry's nice.
Hey, what song
should I play now?
How about America, Eff Yeah,
from that Team America movie?
That song is ironic, Chet.
It ain't ironic
if you don't get the joke.
" Ow!
That better be cage-free.
Bite my justice,
you arugula-eating left turd!
Now, I know things look bad,
but we can't just give up.
We have to maintain hope
that something or someone
can save us.
That's right, kids.
We have to hope
for something better
because that's what we do.
I don't know who will help us.
It could be a stranger.
It could be someone
who hasn't been born yet.
It could be-
Flaming skull!
Is that a superhero?
No, it's a flaming skull!
Greetings, infidels!
It's Claude.
My name is Achmed!
Girl car!
Wiener substitute!
Ah, hell, no.
Leave him alone, Chet!
You're what's wrong
with America!
No! You're what's wrong
with America!
Gentlemen, you are both correct!
Hey, what the-
Get out of my way!
I hate you, Chet!
- Damn-
- I've always hated you!
Turd car!
Oh. Sorry.
No worries.
We've got Obamacare.
Hello, Wilsons!
I love you!
Even you,
you little backstabber!
Thanks, Achmed.
I still say he's a bad man!
Someone has been practicing!
Great Hoover's pantyhose.
What the hell?
I am turning myself in.
He's turning himself
into a bomb.
I think he said,
"Turning myself in."
When did you graduate
from Quantico?
Prepare to fire.
How is it going?
Been better, been worse.
Don't shoot!
Please, hear him out.
Ladies and gentlemen
and big dangerous guns,
I came back to tell you
that these wonderful people,
the Wilsons, do not deserve
to be taken to prison.
I do.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why did we all just gasp?
We know he should go to prison.
I don't know.
I feel kind of stupid
about that now.
It's true that I came here
with the intent
of doing you harm,
but that is all over.
And the Wilsons had nothing
to do with it
because they are decent,
kind people,
like Americans everywhere.
Let me know
when you got the shot.
Roger that.
The Wilsons' only crime
was seeing the best in me,
and my only crime was not seeing
the best in them...
and plotting to blow up
the whole town, yada, yada.
If I may say a word or two.
Of course, sir.
Where's my kill shot, people?
I don't see him.
Oh, wait.
That's better.
We're clear.
Subject is in the target zone.
On my command, in three...
I'd like to say a few words
about this remarkable young man.
Hey, whoever is playing
with that laser pen out there
should really stop.
You could detach a retina.
They're going to shoot him.
..Two, one, f-
Sniper team, stand down!
Who is that?
I said stand down!
That is a direct order!
This is General Charles McCarthy
of the United States
Joint Command,
and I order you
to stand down now!
That's better.
- It's a miracle.
- Kind of.
Now toss your weapons
in that drainage ditch.
And let Mr. Wilson speak.
Thank you, General McCarthy.
And thank you, son.
Why ain't they shooting him?
He's right there.
He's surrendering peacefully.
Not in my America.
Now, dear, this ain't right.
Why can't you be
more supportive of my hobbies?
That is not good.
I can see my cave from here.
Au revoir,
you towel-headed French fry.
- Now, Chet!
- Don't "now, Chet" me.
He got what he deserved.
You do good things,
and you'll be rewarded.
You do bad things,
and it's hasta la bye-bye.
Hiya, Chet.
Save me, Sean Hannity!
My fuel-efficient hybrid!
My lower torso.
Anyway, you were saying.
- How can you still be alive?
- I think I know.
Because the American dream
burns within him.
that's a piece of shrapnel.
But I feel you.
This amazing young man,
this skeleton-
Yes, I admit now
he is just a talking skeleton.
- No offense.
- Please. We're past that.
He stays alive
because he believes in
the America we all believe in,
a place where you can make
a fresh start
no matter where you came from,
where you can arrive
in this country
without a dollar in your pocket,
change your name,
and make a new life.
It happened to someone
you might have heard of,
someone named Miss Shania Twain.
- She's not American?
- Canadian.
Who's Shania Twain?
I love Shania Twain.
You do?
So, to quote one
of Shania Twain's biggest hits-
Man! I Feel Like a Woman!?
Let's find a new spirit
of cooperation and forgiveness.
That Don't Impress Me Much?
Not that one either.
I'm getting there.
Let's put
our hearts together and-
Well, those were two
of her biggest hits
according to Billboard's
country-western charts-
You were saying?
Let's make a new Americaville
and a new America
from this moment on!
Okay, that was big too.
Come here.
I guess there's nobody
for me to hug.
Is this your stupid little
annoying dog?
- Billy!
- Billy?
I do not know
who you're talking to.
My name is Claude.
No, silly,
the dog's name is Bill.
You Americans give your dogs
people names?
You are as dimwitted
as you are boring.
I think I just got shot
with an arrow.
Uh, you can all go home.
Sorry about that.
That's okay.
And Achmed
is free to go too, right?
No, I am a criminal after all.
I do not think
there is a Shania Twain song
to help me escape paying my debt
to society.
No One Needs to Know
is appropriate.
How do you like that?
It's the President!
Of the United States?
the United States Motor Company!
Uh, Mr. Ach-med,
I've just spoken
to the Attorney General,
and based on my offer
to personally vouch for
your renunciation of terrorism
and the fact
that you never accomplished
anything destructive...
It's true.
He blows.
...our government is prepared
to grant you a full,
and unconditional pardon.
- On one condition.
- Boo!
That you share with me
the plans for that amazing car
that you just drove here today.
My car?
Yes, you've done
the seemingly impossible.
You've created
an American-made automobile
in America that Americans
actually want to buy.
It is a bad-ass ride.
- It's a deal.
- Yay!
On one condition.
No, no, it's a good condition.
- Yay!
- Yay?
The condition is you give credit
to the man who actually
designed this car, Wayne Wilson.
I thought that looked familiar.
It should.
Hassan and I built it
based on your drawing.
The flaming skull was me.
Hey, everyone, Carl and I
are opening a bed-and-breakfast.
Sorry, Ev.
Well, I wondered
when you were gonna
finally figure yourself out.
Go be happy.
Just leave me and Stan
the beach house in Roanoke.
- Stan?
- Good-bye!
I was a terrible mayor.
This is the country
you want to live in?
There is not a better one.
Then maybe you can be
a reference
for my job application?
Former terrorist log,
love date 8/3/13.
I am now a citizen
of Americaville.
It's a good life.
Wayne and Ginny have found
their true calling.
The kids are having fun.
I've found a job
where I can use my skills
and make people happy.
And once a week,
we all get together
for a bountiful feast.
Yes, all in all,
it's been one incredible year,
and the next one
will be even better.
- Good night, Wayne.
- Good night, Achmed.
- Good night, Ginny.
- Good night, Achmed.
Good night, Cassidy.
Good night, Kevin.
Good night, little Jeff.
- Good night.
- Good night!
Good night, dog with
the dynamite in his mouth.
Good boy.