Agents of Secret Stuff (2010) Movie Script
I know what you are thinking.
This looks bad.
but I assure you,
I have everything under control.
Okay, maybe not.
Ugh, such a dirty shoe.
First things first.
I am not your average teenager.
I never get to grow up with a family with bikes and candy.
My family was an international network of killers.
I bike with a Falcon Recon 23X,
and the closest thing I ever got to candy was...
Well, I did get a lolipop once...
But that is not the point!
as long as remember, I've been trained to become an A.S.S.,
an Agent of Secret Stuff.
For 17 years I've been trained along side with one of the coolest, boldest, most heartless killer of all the A.S.S.es,
Tracy.
- It's a man's name...!
3 months ago, on the final day of my training,
Tracy brought me in front of a panel,
the highest ranked A.S.S.es.
I am talking top quality A.S.S.
- Aiden, for the past 17 years you have been like a son to me.
We've been on missions around the world,
prevented various global disasters and saved countless lives.
And now, it is time to become an official Agent of Secret Stuff.
But, before I give you your Honorary Operative License Entitlement,
your H.O.L.E.,
you have one more assignment you must complete.
- But... Sir! With all due respect, I devoted my life to training.
- You will follow orders!
- But... But why! I already did all the hard stuff.
- We are A.S.S.es!
We do not complain when things get too hard.
We push on through, and we take it.
- But you said...
- Enough!
Please, tell Aiden his assignment.
- Aiden, we need you for a special assignment that only you can execute!
The Society Involving Not-so-good Stuff, a.k.a. the S.I.N.S.,
they have been our mortal enemies for decades.
And now, they have found a new target,
Taylor Rentrol, a high school senior.
We need an agent on the inside.
We believe that the S.I.N.S. have already infiltrated the school with assassins of their own!
Your mission is to pose as a high school student and protect Taylor from impending threats!
- But... why are they after Taylor?
- That will be revealed in a later time,
in like, 30 minutes?
We have already made preparations for your enrollment,
a spot has been made available in all of Taylor's classes.
She must not know that she is in danger!
This is a new world for you!
High school students are the most dangerous and misunderstood citizens that you will ever come across!
You must operate cautiously.
- I will not fail.
- Cool, peace out.
- Oh yea, come here.
Guys, I need your attention just for one second.
Hey!
Shut up. We have a new student.
His name is um... Jose McDonald.
Yea, obviously.
Why don't you say Hi, Jose.
Right on man, you're gonna fit in perfectly.
Why don't you take a seat in front of Bieber there.
You guys open your book to Chapter 14.
- Hey, I'm Taylor, Can I help you with something?
- Hola, I'm "Joezy".
- Isn't it pronounced as "Jose"?
- Is that what you want it to be?
So it's gonna be like our code word for "danger"?
- What are you talking about?...
- You know, I'll be "Jose", you'll be "Jose-B".
- Are you okay?
- Taylor, zip it up and shut your face hole.
These kids are trying to learn.
- Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
- Hey Taylor, can I borrow your pencil sharpener?
- Yea sure, Melvin.
Suspect will acquire a pencil sharpening tool to convert the writer's thing into a weapon
by inserting the yellow thing into the green thing, the dull thing will turn into a sharp thing.
He will then proceed to jump behind his target while she is pre-occupied,
and apply a fatal impend weapon into her jugular artery!
- There you go.
- Give the sharpener back.
- What's your problem?
- What do you take me for, a fresh--man?
Give the sharpener back.
- Jose, what are you doing?
- Fine, Jeez.
- What was that all about Jose?
- Don't worry, I got you. "Jose-B".
- Alright, class, that's it.
Remember, Chapter 15! Read it... or not, it's your future.
Oh by the way, pop quiz next week! You guys know the drill.
Oh, Taylor, I'll need to speak with you after class, if you have a moment.
Good work today, guys. I was kidding.
Remember these days, kids. You will miss them.
See you tomorrow!
Hey, Taylor, I want to talk to you about the... the homecoming dance.
I know it is kinda a thing that you are planning with the student council.
But we do have a lot of volunteering that is coming up, you know,
make sure you still have time to do that.
- No, definitely, it should be fine.
We are almost done planning.
- Okay alright, I trust you. You're not like the other bastards in this class.
You're the good one.
- Thanks, I appreciate it. Is that it?
- Alright I'll see you later. - Bye.
- Don't you ever do that again.
- Excuse me?
- I said, don't you ever do that again.
Keeping Taylor in the room alone is not safe.
- Oh yea, I forgot, you are right.
I didn't know what I was thinking otherwise I'll... Who the hell are you?
- Well, I am the new kid remember?
You just introduced me.
- Get the hell out of my class!
- I am glad that we had this talk.
- Hey there, son.
I am glad that I found you.
I hope you are enjoying your first day of school so far.
I just wanted to give you your new locker assignment.
Actually, you are quite lucky, a new one just opened up the other day.
- Oh, hey!
Wow, your locker is next to mine.
I wonder where Billy went.
- Yea, strange huh, Ha ha ha ha...
- Well if we gonna see each other this much,
why don't we just start over.
Hi, Jose, I'm Taylor, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- It's called a handshake, Jose.
You're so silly, it's like you've never made a friend before.
- "You will follow orders!" - "Ahhh..."
- Hey Taylor!
- Oh hey, what's up, how are you?
- I'm good. Did you finish that paper in English?
- No, not yet, it is due soon? In two days...
Suspect from across the hall is examining the target, his eyes indicate he is aiming for the most exposed and vital area, her chest.
Only 3 steps away from pumping her with barrages of bullet punches straight to her rib cages that will no doubt stop her heart forever for life!
- What are you looking at?!
- Bye Jose!
- Bye!
- I said, what were you looking at?
- Chill out, Man, I'm just checking out Taylor's rack, she is looking especially hot today.
- Her rack?
- Yea, man, her knockers.
- So you were trying to knock her!
- No, man, I am talking about her boobs!
- You know, these things?
- Oh, okay then, as long as you were not looking at that rib cage.
You stay the hell away from that rib cage!
- Bryson! New guy!
- I'm gonna destroy you!
Your face is gonna be so ugly when I am done with your face, cause... it's kinda handsome right now.
Ah.....!
- I wasn't ready! I want a rematch!
Target is greatly outnumbered by opposition, each of them possesses some sort of netted-stick weapon.
Surrounded and unaware, she is vulnerable to attacks from all directions!
- Jose? Where did you come from?
- You almost took a shuttle cock to the face.
- But how did you...?
- What are you doing, come on, let me go!
How did I even get here, let me go! Come on!
- How did you do that?
- He's like... incredibly fast and strong.
- He's like a mystical creature that is fast and strong.
- I know right, he's like a... a unicorn!
- But a human... a "humicorn".
- Stop it guys, he's just different.
- He's a freak.
- I don't know, I think he is kinda cute the way he takes everything so seriously.
- It's kinda creepy... don't you think?
- He's harmless, he's like a little puppy that just wants all your attention.
- A "humicruppy"!
- You girls are ridiculous. Let's go.
- I think Taylor has a crush.
"High school students are the most dangerous and misunderstood citizens that you will ever come across!"
- What happened?
- Slippery floors...
- What?
- Probably didn't see the "Piso Mojado" sign...
- What?
- Yea, let's just...
- But what about my...
- Uhh... yea, so I hope you have a good first day at school.
- You're still alive, so it's a great day.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Oh, are you coming this way too?
- Hey, so I was talking to Mr. Anderson about the event coming right after homecoming.
I am gonna need a lot of help planing that event. I don't know how...
- No...!
- Ah..! Oh my god!
Get out of my room!
- Don't throw things... No!
- Get away from me! Ah...!
- Alright, I am not gonna hurt you.
You just need to... just calm down, Okay?
- Okay...
- Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Did you know what you just almost did but didn't do because I didn't let you do what you wanted to do?
- Yes?
- No! You don't!
Do you know what this is?
This is Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies and you almost eat them all the way.
You don't even know who has handled this or who could have poisoned this.
- What?
- Look, I've been trying to stay undercover but you are making this too damn difficult.
First, first you handed over a pencil sharpener to someone with a pencil.
Do you wanna get stab in the neck?
And then, you almost took a shuttle cock to your face. Do you know how much that hurts?
Have you ever have a shuttle cock to your face before? No, you haven't. It hurts, I know.
Now you are eating cookies, you're eating cookies! Do you wanna get poisoned?...And fat?
Your carelessness is driving me insane!
- I am driving you insane?
My friends are right.. you are a freak...
I know exactly what you are...
- Oh you do, alright then say it, say it out loud.
- Unicorn...
- What? Unicorns don't even exist, in North America, probably.
- Then who... What are you?
- Alright look, I am gonna be completely honest with you.
I'm really not Mexican. My name is not Jose, it's Aiden.
And I'm an A.S.S.
- Yea, you are.
- No, you don't understand. Look, I am in the final stages of becoming an Agent of Secret Stuff.
And my last mission was to come here and protect you.
- Protect me? From who?
- The S.I.N.S.!
- Is this all just to get me to go to church?
- Oh my god... You're stupid.
Alright, okay, here, here is the whole story.
Back in WWII, a group of fleeing Nazi special agents formed a society of assassins to secretly revenge the Axis of power. This group is called the Society Involving No-so-good Stuff.
One of the assassins only known as X when he could no longer support such a war in the world... fled the S.I.N.S. and started his own group of killers to battle all the S.I.N.S. plans.
They were known as the Agent of Secret Stuff. That's me.
The battle between A.S.S. and S.I.N.S. still continues today,
and you are the S.I.N.S.'s latest target, to which I am assigned to prevent you from being killed.
- But why me?
- I have no idea why, but I never question my orders.
"But why? I already did all the hard stuff."
- Wow...
You are seriously out of your mind. Can you leave?
- But Taylor, you are in danger.
- Stop! No I am not!
I am a normal girl that goes to a normal high school and nothing is going to happen.
The more you say that, the more it freaks me out, so please just stay out of my life!
- But I am trying to..
- No! just leave! Please just go!
- I'm sorry, I never meant to upset you. I don't know what it is like to be a normal kid.
Ever since I was young, I was taught to never trust people, and to kill them instead.
- That's really sad.
- I've already failed my mission anyways... So, I'll stay out of your life.
- Wait, Aiden. I am sorry.
I know you meant well, but there is really no reason to be worried for me.
Look, I think you are a cool guy and I'd rather just learn to have fun and instead of being scared of secret agents and stuff.
Do you trust me?
- No, didn't you hear everything I just said?
- You know what, never mind, just come with me.
- Did you hear, Scott asked me to the dance?
- Oh my god! That's so cute!
I feel like I've been waiting for this dance forever!
- Okay so DJ's set, the photographer's set, good job on the ticket sales, girls, I think we are ready for tonight!
- But there is one thing that isn't set.
- What, what did I miss?!
- A date!
- Guys...
- Maybe Aiden can help you out with that...
- So... um... that dance sounds pretty interesting.
- Yea, it's been a lot of work to plan.
- You don't have anyone to go with?
- No, not yet, I guess I've just been too busy.
- Right, I see.
Okay... Bye!
- Hi Taylor!
- Oh, Hey Melvin!
- Well, the dance is tonight. God, you know the dance is tonight,
You're planning it...
Anyways, I just want to ask you, you would go to the dance with me?
- Oh that is so sweet! But I don't know if I can because I have to...
- But you don't even have a date yet!
- Yea, but I am planning it...
Stop it... Stop it!
What are you doing?
- He was gonna attack you! with this!
- Are you crazy, this a flower!
- I swear there was a blade, right here!
- Have you not taught you anything? You still don't trust me!
You know, I thought you changed.
But you are still in your stupid crazy world.
Now you are just hurting innocent people.
- But I swear...
- No just stop it... Just stay away... Just leave me alone.
I tried, Aiden. I really did.
You know what Melvin, I will go to the dance with you.
Great...going Aiden.
Maybe Taylor was right, I don't belong here.
This whole mission is just stupid.
This is what it takes to get my A.S.S.H.O.L.E.? Maybe I don't even want it!
Taylor!
He is escaping to secret warehouse. Turn left.
Melvin getting away, hurry the hell up, dude.
- Where are they?
- What?
- Tell me where the training wheels are!
- What are you talking about, man, I go to high school, I don't use training wheels.
- Aiden!
- What...
- It's too late Aiden!
- No...!
- No, it's not!
- Oh, okay.
- But it's a trap.
- No...!
- No it's not, don't listen to her.
- Oh, okay.
- No listen to me, it's a trap. Right there!
- A trap?
- I destroyed your trap, Melvin, it's over!
- Oh is it? I beg to differ. If anything, it's the exact opposite of over...
It's "under"...
Anyway, see we've already won.
Now that we have Taylor, we S.I.N.S. have everything to overthrow you,
stinky A.S.S.es.
- Wait... Taylor... Wait, what?
- You don't know about her?
- Well... I know some things...
I know that she can only read from left to right, that she's really good at hitting shuttle cocks with a netted-stick,
that she's really smart, funny and cute, that she's my best friend, my only friend.
- Aw... Aden...
- Aw... Aden... I mean... But I was thinking along the line of... She's the future of all the A.S.S.es.
- She is?
- I am?
- Jeez, don't they teach anything over there?
You are one dumb ass!
- Nobody calls me dumb!
- Aiden.. No!
- Mouse trap...
Good night, Aiden.
That's cute, Taylor.
Real cute. Now get back in your...
Fix your chair, and get back in it!
- How could you do this Melvin. We've been friends for years!
- Every year I've been trying to kill you.
- Because of people like you that Aiden can't live a normal life.
You made me miss my own homecoming dance.
- Ha, don't you mean home-no-one's-coming dance?
1-0 Melvin!
Anyways, me and the kids have been talking about how your little dance and how we are not gonna go cause we are pretty sure that it's gonna suck!
- What the hell, Taylor.
- I thought you wanna dance, Melvin.
- Aiden, are you okay?
- No! It hurts real bad.
- Thanks for coming after me.
- Can I tell you something?
- What?
- I told you so. - Shut up.
- Ruining the moment!
- Death chop!
- Tracy? What are you doing here?
- I was informed you were in danger.
- By who?
- By me.
- Who are you?
- I am your...
- My father?
- What? No... How is that even possible, I am like the same age as you, that's disgusting.
I am your step-step-brother-in-law.
You know what, don't worry about it. Your dad was really promiscuous, forget it, long story.
- He's been watching over you, Aiden. We all have.
- Then you know that I failed. Taylor was in great danger and I couldn't even protect her.
- On the contrary, you have succeeded.
Not only have you discovered the S.I.N.S. agent within the high school but you have brought out Taylor's full potential,
enriching what she's destined to become.
- I did? Okay, cool.
- Me? what does that mean?
- Taylor...
- Where are all these people coming from?
- Have you ever wondered why your parents are black?
- I was adopted...
- And why you speak 10 languages?
- "Je ne sais pas?"
- Straight A student and very good at first person shooters.
And now you have defeated a S.I.N.S. agent with no training ever!
- Because I'm...awesome?
- Well, I could have done that too... If I wanted...
- It is in your blood, Taylor...
to be an amazing A.S.S.!
You are the daughter of Agent X, the founder of all the A.S.S.es.
Taylor, you are my daughter.
- But you are so old...
- But your mama was so young...
- Aiden, I am...
- My father?
- No.. no, Aiden, no one here is your freaking father!
I mean he abandoned you at birth.
He is not coming back.
- Aiden, I am very proud to present you with the H.O.L.E.
You are now an official Agent of Secret Stuff.
My A.S.S.H.O.L.E.
- Congratulations, kid.
- So now what.
- And now... you are part of our world.
The S.I.N.S. will be following you and Aiden more intensely than ever before...
- The dance is ending right now!
- Oh yea, speaking of the dance, I was wondering if I can
- Aiden you wanna come to the homecoming dance with me?
- Yea sure, I got nothing better to do...
- Let's go.
No...
We're too late... we missed it.
- Sorry we missed your dance.
Being a secret agent is really hard.
- It's okay, it's not your fault.
Will you move to the musical notes with me?
- So Aiden, you have all the gagdets.
You can fight, you are brave, you are smart, and now you have your H.O.L.E
But you know you still have one thing missing if you want to be a secret agent.
- Wait, what? That's impossible, what could I be missing?
- Well, everyone knows the real secret agent always gets the girl in the end.
- I've honestly never heard that before. That sounds ridiculous.
But.. um... Maybe... maybe you can help me with that.
- Bush!
- Somebody's there.
- I'll go left. - I'll go right.
- Ready? One, two...
- Wait! There's one more thing...
This looks bad.
but I assure you,
I have everything under control.
Okay, maybe not.
Ugh, such a dirty shoe.
First things first.
I am not your average teenager.
I never get to grow up with a family with bikes and candy.
My family was an international network of killers.
I bike with a Falcon Recon 23X,
and the closest thing I ever got to candy was...
Well, I did get a lolipop once...
But that is not the point!
as long as remember, I've been trained to become an A.S.S.,
an Agent of Secret Stuff.
For 17 years I've been trained along side with one of the coolest, boldest, most heartless killer of all the A.S.S.es,
Tracy.
- It's a man's name...!
3 months ago, on the final day of my training,
Tracy brought me in front of a panel,
the highest ranked A.S.S.es.
I am talking top quality A.S.S.
- Aiden, for the past 17 years you have been like a son to me.
We've been on missions around the world,
prevented various global disasters and saved countless lives.
And now, it is time to become an official Agent of Secret Stuff.
But, before I give you your Honorary Operative License Entitlement,
your H.O.L.E.,
you have one more assignment you must complete.
- But... Sir! With all due respect, I devoted my life to training.
- You will follow orders!
- But... But why! I already did all the hard stuff.
- We are A.S.S.es!
We do not complain when things get too hard.
We push on through, and we take it.
- But you said...
- Enough!
Please, tell Aiden his assignment.
- Aiden, we need you for a special assignment that only you can execute!
The Society Involving Not-so-good Stuff, a.k.a. the S.I.N.S.,
they have been our mortal enemies for decades.
And now, they have found a new target,
Taylor Rentrol, a high school senior.
We need an agent on the inside.
We believe that the S.I.N.S. have already infiltrated the school with assassins of their own!
Your mission is to pose as a high school student and protect Taylor from impending threats!
- But... why are they after Taylor?
- That will be revealed in a later time,
in like, 30 minutes?
We have already made preparations for your enrollment,
a spot has been made available in all of Taylor's classes.
She must not know that she is in danger!
This is a new world for you!
High school students are the most dangerous and misunderstood citizens that you will ever come across!
You must operate cautiously.
- I will not fail.
- Cool, peace out.
- Oh yea, come here.
Guys, I need your attention just for one second.
Hey!
Shut up. We have a new student.
His name is um... Jose McDonald.
Yea, obviously.
Why don't you say Hi, Jose.
Right on man, you're gonna fit in perfectly.
Why don't you take a seat in front of Bieber there.
You guys open your book to Chapter 14.
- Hey, I'm Taylor, Can I help you with something?
- Hola, I'm "Joezy".
- Isn't it pronounced as "Jose"?
- Is that what you want it to be?
So it's gonna be like our code word for "danger"?
- What are you talking about?...
- You know, I'll be "Jose", you'll be "Jose-B".
- Are you okay?
- Taylor, zip it up and shut your face hole.
These kids are trying to learn.
- Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.
- Hey Taylor, can I borrow your pencil sharpener?
- Yea sure, Melvin.
Suspect will acquire a pencil sharpening tool to convert the writer's thing into a weapon
by inserting the yellow thing into the green thing, the dull thing will turn into a sharp thing.
He will then proceed to jump behind his target while she is pre-occupied,
and apply a fatal impend weapon into her jugular artery!
- There you go.
- Give the sharpener back.
- What's your problem?
- What do you take me for, a fresh--man?
Give the sharpener back.
- Jose, what are you doing?
- Fine, Jeez.
- What was that all about Jose?
- Don't worry, I got you. "Jose-B".
- Alright, class, that's it.
Remember, Chapter 15! Read it... or not, it's your future.
Oh by the way, pop quiz next week! You guys know the drill.
Oh, Taylor, I'll need to speak with you after class, if you have a moment.
Good work today, guys. I was kidding.
Remember these days, kids. You will miss them.
See you tomorrow!
Hey, Taylor, I want to talk to you about the... the homecoming dance.
I know it is kinda a thing that you are planning with the student council.
But we do have a lot of volunteering that is coming up, you know,
make sure you still have time to do that.
- No, definitely, it should be fine.
We are almost done planning.
- Okay alright, I trust you. You're not like the other bastards in this class.
You're the good one.
- Thanks, I appreciate it. Is that it?
- Alright I'll see you later. - Bye.
- Don't you ever do that again.
- Excuse me?
- I said, don't you ever do that again.
Keeping Taylor in the room alone is not safe.
- Oh yea, I forgot, you are right.
I didn't know what I was thinking otherwise I'll... Who the hell are you?
- Well, I am the new kid remember?
You just introduced me.
- Get the hell out of my class!
- I am glad that we had this talk.
- Hey there, son.
I am glad that I found you.
I hope you are enjoying your first day of school so far.
I just wanted to give you your new locker assignment.
Actually, you are quite lucky, a new one just opened up the other day.
- Oh, hey!
Wow, your locker is next to mine.
I wonder where Billy went.
- Yea, strange huh, Ha ha ha ha...
- Well if we gonna see each other this much,
why don't we just start over.
Hi, Jose, I'm Taylor, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- It's called a handshake, Jose.
You're so silly, it's like you've never made a friend before.
- "You will follow orders!" - "Ahhh..."
- Hey Taylor!
- Oh hey, what's up, how are you?
- I'm good. Did you finish that paper in English?
- No, not yet, it is due soon? In two days...
Suspect from across the hall is examining the target, his eyes indicate he is aiming for the most exposed and vital area, her chest.
Only 3 steps away from pumping her with barrages of bullet punches straight to her rib cages that will no doubt stop her heart forever for life!
- What are you looking at?!
- Bye Jose!
- Bye!
- I said, what were you looking at?
- Chill out, Man, I'm just checking out Taylor's rack, she is looking especially hot today.
- Her rack?
- Yea, man, her knockers.
- So you were trying to knock her!
- No, man, I am talking about her boobs!
- You know, these things?
- Oh, okay then, as long as you were not looking at that rib cage.
You stay the hell away from that rib cage!
- Bryson! New guy!
- I'm gonna destroy you!
Your face is gonna be so ugly when I am done with your face, cause... it's kinda handsome right now.
Ah.....!
- I wasn't ready! I want a rematch!
Target is greatly outnumbered by opposition, each of them possesses some sort of netted-stick weapon.
Surrounded and unaware, she is vulnerable to attacks from all directions!
- Jose? Where did you come from?
- You almost took a shuttle cock to the face.
- But how did you...?
- What are you doing, come on, let me go!
How did I even get here, let me go! Come on!
- How did you do that?
- He's like... incredibly fast and strong.
- He's like a mystical creature that is fast and strong.
- I know right, he's like a... a unicorn!
- But a human... a "humicorn".
- Stop it guys, he's just different.
- He's a freak.
- I don't know, I think he is kinda cute the way he takes everything so seriously.
- It's kinda creepy... don't you think?
- He's harmless, he's like a little puppy that just wants all your attention.
- A "humicruppy"!
- You girls are ridiculous. Let's go.
- I think Taylor has a crush.
"High school students are the most dangerous and misunderstood citizens that you will ever come across!"
- What happened?
- Slippery floors...
- What?
- Probably didn't see the "Piso Mojado" sign...
- What?
- Yea, let's just...
- But what about my...
- Uhh... yea, so I hope you have a good first day at school.
- You're still alive, so it's a great day.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Oh, are you coming this way too?
- Hey, so I was talking to Mr. Anderson about the event coming right after homecoming.
I am gonna need a lot of help planing that event. I don't know how...
- No...!
- Ah..! Oh my god!
Get out of my room!
- Don't throw things... No!
- Get away from me! Ah...!
- Alright, I am not gonna hurt you.
You just need to... just calm down, Okay?
- Okay...
- Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Did you know what you just almost did but didn't do because I didn't let you do what you wanted to do?
- Yes?
- No! You don't!
Do you know what this is?
This is Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies and you almost eat them all the way.
You don't even know who has handled this or who could have poisoned this.
- What?
- Look, I've been trying to stay undercover but you are making this too damn difficult.
First, first you handed over a pencil sharpener to someone with a pencil.
Do you wanna get stab in the neck?
And then, you almost took a shuttle cock to your face. Do you know how much that hurts?
Have you ever have a shuttle cock to your face before? No, you haven't. It hurts, I know.
Now you are eating cookies, you're eating cookies! Do you wanna get poisoned?...And fat?
Your carelessness is driving me insane!
- I am driving you insane?
My friends are right.. you are a freak...
I know exactly what you are...
- Oh you do, alright then say it, say it out loud.
- Unicorn...
- What? Unicorns don't even exist, in North America, probably.
- Then who... What are you?
- Alright look, I am gonna be completely honest with you.
I'm really not Mexican. My name is not Jose, it's Aiden.
And I'm an A.S.S.
- Yea, you are.
- No, you don't understand. Look, I am in the final stages of becoming an Agent of Secret Stuff.
And my last mission was to come here and protect you.
- Protect me? From who?
- The S.I.N.S.!
- Is this all just to get me to go to church?
- Oh my god... You're stupid.
Alright, okay, here, here is the whole story.
Back in WWII, a group of fleeing Nazi special agents formed a society of assassins to secretly revenge the Axis of power. This group is called the Society Involving No-so-good Stuff.
One of the assassins only known as X when he could no longer support such a war in the world... fled the S.I.N.S. and started his own group of killers to battle all the S.I.N.S. plans.
They were known as the Agent of Secret Stuff. That's me.
The battle between A.S.S. and S.I.N.S. still continues today,
and you are the S.I.N.S.'s latest target, to which I am assigned to prevent you from being killed.
- But why me?
- I have no idea why, but I never question my orders.
"But why? I already did all the hard stuff."
- Wow...
You are seriously out of your mind. Can you leave?
- But Taylor, you are in danger.
- Stop! No I am not!
I am a normal girl that goes to a normal high school and nothing is going to happen.
The more you say that, the more it freaks me out, so please just stay out of my life!
- But I am trying to..
- No! just leave! Please just go!
- I'm sorry, I never meant to upset you. I don't know what it is like to be a normal kid.
Ever since I was young, I was taught to never trust people, and to kill them instead.
- That's really sad.
- I've already failed my mission anyways... So, I'll stay out of your life.
- Wait, Aiden. I am sorry.
I know you meant well, but there is really no reason to be worried for me.
Look, I think you are a cool guy and I'd rather just learn to have fun and instead of being scared of secret agents and stuff.
Do you trust me?
- No, didn't you hear everything I just said?
- You know what, never mind, just come with me.
- Did you hear, Scott asked me to the dance?
- Oh my god! That's so cute!
I feel like I've been waiting for this dance forever!
- Okay so DJ's set, the photographer's set, good job on the ticket sales, girls, I think we are ready for tonight!
- But there is one thing that isn't set.
- What, what did I miss?!
- A date!
- Guys...
- Maybe Aiden can help you out with that...
- So... um... that dance sounds pretty interesting.
- Yea, it's been a lot of work to plan.
- You don't have anyone to go with?
- No, not yet, I guess I've just been too busy.
- Right, I see.
Okay... Bye!
- Hi Taylor!
- Oh, Hey Melvin!
- Well, the dance is tonight. God, you know the dance is tonight,
You're planning it...
Anyways, I just want to ask you, you would go to the dance with me?
- Oh that is so sweet! But I don't know if I can because I have to...
- But you don't even have a date yet!
- Yea, but I am planning it...
Stop it... Stop it!
What are you doing?
- He was gonna attack you! with this!
- Are you crazy, this a flower!
- I swear there was a blade, right here!
- Have you not taught you anything? You still don't trust me!
You know, I thought you changed.
But you are still in your stupid crazy world.
Now you are just hurting innocent people.
- But I swear...
- No just stop it... Just stay away... Just leave me alone.
I tried, Aiden. I really did.
You know what Melvin, I will go to the dance with you.
Great...going Aiden.
Maybe Taylor was right, I don't belong here.
This whole mission is just stupid.
This is what it takes to get my A.S.S.H.O.L.E.? Maybe I don't even want it!
Taylor!
He is escaping to secret warehouse. Turn left.
Melvin getting away, hurry the hell up, dude.
- Where are they?
- What?
- Tell me where the training wheels are!
- What are you talking about, man, I go to high school, I don't use training wheels.
- Aiden!
- What...
- It's too late Aiden!
- No...!
- No, it's not!
- Oh, okay.
- But it's a trap.
- No...!
- No it's not, don't listen to her.
- Oh, okay.
- No listen to me, it's a trap. Right there!
- A trap?
- I destroyed your trap, Melvin, it's over!
- Oh is it? I beg to differ. If anything, it's the exact opposite of over...
It's "under"...
Anyway, see we've already won.
Now that we have Taylor, we S.I.N.S. have everything to overthrow you,
stinky A.S.S.es.
- Wait... Taylor... Wait, what?
- You don't know about her?
- Well... I know some things...
I know that she can only read from left to right, that she's really good at hitting shuttle cocks with a netted-stick,
that she's really smart, funny and cute, that she's my best friend, my only friend.
- Aw... Aden...
- Aw... Aden... I mean... But I was thinking along the line of... She's the future of all the A.S.S.es.
- She is?
- I am?
- Jeez, don't they teach anything over there?
You are one dumb ass!
- Nobody calls me dumb!
- Aiden.. No!
- Mouse trap...
Good night, Aiden.
That's cute, Taylor.
Real cute. Now get back in your...
Fix your chair, and get back in it!
- How could you do this Melvin. We've been friends for years!
- Every year I've been trying to kill you.
- Because of people like you that Aiden can't live a normal life.
You made me miss my own homecoming dance.
- Ha, don't you mean home-no-one's-coming dance?
1-0 Melvin!
Anyways, me and the kids have been talking about how your little dance and how we are not gonna go cause we are pretty sure that it's gonna suck!
- What the hell, Taylor.
- I thought you wanna dance, Melvin.
- Aiden, are you okay?
- No! It hurts real bad.
- Thanks for coming after me.
- Can I tell you something?
- What?
- I told you so. - Shut up.
- Ruining the moment!
- Death chop!
- Tracy? What are you doing here?
- I was informed you were in danger.
- By who?
- By me.
- Who are you?
- I am your...
- My father?
- What? No... How is that even possible, I am like the same age as you, that's disgusting.
I am your step-step-brother-in-law.
You know what, don't worry about it. Your dad was really promiscuous, forget it, long story.
- He's been watching over you, Aiden. We all have.
- Then you know that I failed. Taylor was in great danger and I couldn't even protect her.
- On the contrary, you have succeeded.
Not only have you discovered the S.I.N.S. agent within the high school but you have brought out Taylor's full potential,
enriching what she's destined to become.
- I did? Okay, cool.
- Me? what does that mean?
- Taylor...
- Where are all these people coming from?
- Have you ever wondered why your parents are black?
- I was adopted...
- And why you speak 10 languages?
- "Je ne sais pas?"
- Straight A student and very good at first person shooters.
And now you have defeated a S.I.N.S. agent with no training ever!
- Because I'm...awesome?
- Well, I could have done that too... If I wanted...
- It is in your blood, Taylor...
to be an amazing A.S.S.!
You are the daughter of Agent X, the founder of all the A.S.S.es.
Taylor, you are my daughter.
- But you are so old...
- But your mama was so young...
- Aiden, I am...
- My father?
- No.. no, Aiden, no one here is your freaking father!
I mean he abandoned you at birth.
He is not coming back.
- Aiden, I am very proud to present you with the H.O.L.E.
You are now an official Agent of Secret Stuff.
My A.S.S.H.O.L.E.
- Congratulations, kid.
- So now what.
- And now... you are part of our world.
The S.I.N.S. will be following you and Aiden more intensely than ever before...
- The dance is ending right now!
- Oh yea, speaking of the dance, I was wondering if I can
- Aiden you wanna come to the homecoming dance with me?
- Yea sure, I got nothing better to do...
- Let's go.
No...
We're too late... we missed it.
- Sorry we missed your dance.
Being a secret agent is really hard.
- It's okay, it's not your fault.
Will you move to the musical notes with me?
- So Aiden, you have all the gagdets.
You can fight, you are brave, you are smart, and now you have your H.O.L.E
But you know you still have one thing missing if you want to be a secret agent.
- Wait, what? That's impossible, what could I be missing?
- Well, everyone knows the real secret agent always gets the girl in the end.
- I've honestly never heard that before. That sounds ridiculous.
But.. um... Maybe... maybe you can help me with that.
- Bush!
- Somebody's there.
- I'll go left. - I'll go right.
- Ready? One, two...
- Wait! There's one more thing...