Amateur Night (2016) Movie Script

Hey, it's Guy Carter.
I just...
I just wanted to touch base
and let you know that it was...
it was amazing
meeting you last week.
I felt really good
about it and umm...
I hope you did too.
I look forward
to talking to you soon.
Okay, bye.
Hey there,
it's Guy Carter again.
Just wondering
if there's any news.
You said I'd hear by Monday
at the latest and...
it's now Friday.
I don't mean
to keep bugging you,
but you basically said
I had the job.
Hey, hi, I just...
I was thinking,
if it's easier for you
to text or to e-mail,
that's totally cool.
Hey, it's Guy Carter.
It's Guy Carter, again.
Oh, it's Guy Carter.
I don't want you to lose out
on getting me.
I'm still at the same number.
has been paused due to silence.
Okay, now I'm pissed.
How do you not call someone back
who interviewed three times
and who you said
was a shoe-in?
How do you not hire someone
who you said had the best
book you'd ever seen?
I deserve this job.
I can only assume the
reason you're not calling me back
is because you're too busy...
chomping on huge dicks.
It's just a big dick
breakfast over there.
Dick omelets and dick pancakes.
Scrambled dick.
Dick Benedict.
All you can eat dick. Would you
like another mimosa with your dick?
There's a dick carving station.
You're just grabbing
as much dick.
Oh no, that's okay,
I'm fine with my dick.
Your plate is filled with dick
and then your mouth is filled.
In fact, it's so full of dick,
that I can't pick up the phone
and make a simple...
Guy. Rob Veckmann.
The reason I didn't call you
is because my wife's been
plowing my business partner.
They took over the company
and fired me.
Oh, man.
Oh, that's...
Wow! I had no idea.
Yeah, there's a lot
you don't know. Dick.
Rob? Rob?
You alright
in here, chief?
How long have you been
standing there?
Long enough to hear
the dick buffet.
you're making yourself crazy.
How's the crib coming along?
It's getting there.
You know, not assembling
that thing
isn't gonna stop her
from coming out of me.
Why would I want to stop her?
Although, I mean, I guess I
wouldn't be totally upset
if she held off
another eight months.
That's funny. I was thinking
if she came sooner,
like say, before Tuesday,
we'd still have health
insurance to cover it.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, pretty much
what it sounds like.
Wait? Are you...
You're serious.
Anne? How are you just
telling me this now?
I don't... You were
so stressed out
I didn't wanna make it worse.
It looked like the Resource
thing was happening,
so I didn't mention it.
But now, I'm mentioning it.
They have to give you some
sort of grace period, right?
They did.
It ends Tuesday.
I mean, I assumed you'd
be working by now.
Yeah. Well, we dropped
the ball on that one.
I'm sorry, "we"?
Meaning me?
You quit your job.
Because we got pregnant.
I can't talk about this
right now.
I'm gonna make tea.
To be loved
And to be loved
Let's make a vow
To never
Ever part
What is this?
I found it
on Craigslist.
It's the only thing
remotely realistic.
Now If you studied
dental hygiene,
that would really open up
our options.
You want me to be
a delivery guy?
I want you to be anything if it
pays the insurance by Tuesday.
That will buy us another month,
unless of course you want
me to call my parents
and ask for more money again.
It is an option.
No. No, it is not
an option, Anne.
I don't wanna go into labor
and find out the "repo man"
towed my car
out of the driveway.
There's no such thing
as the "repo man."
Of course there is.
Have you ever seen a repo man...
not counting the
Emilio Estevez movie?
Guy, I'm not gonna argue
the existence of repo men
because they're real.
What do they come with,
a tow truck
or a fleet of unicorns?
My half-brother's mom Sandy,
said that she had her car taken
and I believe it was
by a repo man, okay?
What? They are not...
I might throw up on you.
You're not gonna
throw up on me.
A little bit.
Why don't you go lie down and
I'll bring you something? Okay?
Go! Go lay down,
I'll bring you something.
They're real.
Here you go.
For your tummy.
Sorry for being such a baby.
I know you're frustrated.
It's just so stupid.
I'm supposed to have
my ducks in a row by now.
Maybe it's okay to not
have your ducks in a row.
It's not okay. Ducks
have to be in a row.
Have you ever seen ducks?
They're sorta crazy.
They like to run around,
do shit.
No, I don't...
Not my ducks.
My ducks are different
than your ducks.
Mine are not running
around and crazy.
They have an objective,
they have a plan.
They wanna get
somewhere in life.
Then they're like
walking in a line,
otherwise known as a row.
Honey, oww.
Then call the number.
Word up?
Oh. Hey. Um...
I'm calling about your ad.
You got a car?
- Yes.
- Does it run?
Meet me at Fat
Burger in West Hollywood.
Umm... okay.
Oh, a question...
This may be a little premature,
but are there benefits?
P, L, E, N, T, Y, my man.
My bad.
Yeah. Um-hm.
What he do?
Scraping the guardrail doesn't
necessarily mean he was wasted.
You got me there.
Okay, yeah, no.
I'll tell him,
"No more shootin' up
in the car."
But, fret not, I got a buddy
that will drive you.
About six foot.
Serious, clean.
Like a cop.
No, he's not a real cop.
I can promise you
he will not hit on you.
How do I know?
'Cause he's gay.
Gay as fuck.
Real gay.
No, he got a sweet ride.
A Volvo.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't get pissy with me.
I'm trying to hook you up.
Okay, bye.
You O negative?
No, I'm...
I'm not talking to you.
Are you O negative?
No, I'm... I'm not talkin' to you.
Hold up.
All right,
I love you too. Bye.
You the one just called?
Yeah, I'm Guy.
I'm Zoley. Congratulations.
You're hired.
Okay... Well,
what am I gonna be driving?
Dry cleaning? What?
Girls. The first one's
named Nikki.
You didn't mention that
in your ad.
It's all above board, man.
You're not doin'
anything illegal,
you're just drivin' a car.
Pickin' up, droppin' off.
Easy as cake.
What are the benefits?
Well, you play your cards right,
there can be
all kinds of benefits.
Know what I'm sayin'?
Guy, you about this life,
or what?
No, no no no...
I'm... Yes... I'm...
I'm about this life.
Okay, all right.
Mm-hmm. Okay, sweet.
Here's where she's at.
Oh, whoa. Now?
You want me to start now?
Right now, yes.
Nikki is waitin'.
And Nikki do not like to wait.
Hi. I'm Guy.
Guy, with the sweet ride, Guy?
That'd be me.
Call me Nikki, Nikki Winters.
And next time, don't be late.
So where are we going?
proceed to the highlighted route.
Want music?
Smooth jazz is good.
Not what I would've guessed.
My life's hectic enough.
I don't need my music to be.
You realize, we're still late.
Yeah... I got a ticket
going through a yellow.
So now I just stop.
So about this client,
I've been with him before.
He's a doctor.
Pretty basic.
Just walk me to the door,
and let him know you'll be
outside in the car.
I thought the job was just
dropping off and picking up?
"The job" is being my driver.
That's a ride and protection.
You carry a weapon?
Me? A weapon? No, I do
not carry a weapon.
What about karate?
You know karate?
I have zero skills
in the lethal arts.
I'm an architect.
I know how to draw.
Never mind, I got my own
protection right here.
Great. I'll let you handle
that part of the operation.
And what about you?
How did you get into
this line of work?
Well, it's not exactly
an everyday job.
Well, that depends where
you spend every day.
I grew up in the Valley.
Every girl I know did a porno
by the time she was eighteen.
Or at least a stripping gig.
But you're still doing it.
'cause I'm good at it.
I don't get
what the big deal is.
Nobody asks a carpenter
why they became a carpenter.
Fair enough.
Hello, stranger.
It's been too long.
My driver.
Great house.
Paul Williams?
Paul Williams, right?
He's a pioneer of the
California Regency Movement.
Really great designer.
Designed a lot in the fifties,
which is when it looks
this house is from.
He's black, incidentally,
which doesn't really...
I'm sorry. Do I care about
anything you're saying right now?
No, you don't.
Don't you have somewhere to go?
Yes. He does.
He'll be in the car.
Right, Guy?
Right, of course.
I'll be in the car.
See you in an hour.
Fuck this.
So guess what?
I'm not driving pizzas.
What are you driving?
- Hookers.
- Shut up.
I'm serious.
I picked up this lady
called Nikki Winters.
You're fibbing me.
I fib you not.
You know that's not
her real name, right?
No way.
Oh my, God. What was she like?
Was she hot?
Did she have an amazing body?
Did she look like Julia
Roberts in "Pretty Woman"?
No. This was not
a happy hooker.
This lady was mean.
Can you blame her?
I guess not.
So where is she now?
At some doctor's house.
And you're just like sitting out
in the driveway or something?
No, I left.
What do you mean you left?
You just ditched her?
Babe, this guy,
he totally insulted me.
I told him his house
was a Paul Williams,
and he looked at me
like I was an idiot.
I mean, hello, I have a master's
in architecture from Yale,
I think I know what
I'm talking about.
Guy, what if something
happens to her?
Like what? I don't
know, was he creepy?
He hired a hooker to come to
his mansion in the daytime.
Of course he was creepy.
Plus, he's like a doctor.
They're the worst
kind of psychos.
He's her regular.
I'm sure it's fine.
You don't know that.
You have to go back.
Anne, you're crazy talking.
I'm almost home.
If something happens, you'll
never forgive yourself!
Go back now! This is someone's
daughter we're talking about.
Oh! Sorry.
Okay, I see you.
I got... All right!
One sec.
I just gotta U-turn.
Man, move it!
Word up?
Hey, it's Guy.
Yeah, you with Nikki?
She's in a house with a client.
Said she'd be out
twenty minutes ago,
but she's not.
Nikki's never late.
Hold on, I'll try her cell.
She's not pickin' up.
Damn, that's all I need
is another Nikki problem.
She's, like, fifty percent
of my business.
I lose her, then I'm out
on the street.
Spoken like a true pimp.
Spoken like a true white boy.
There are no more pimps.
Pimps got killed by Craigslist.
I'm a dispatcher.
I work for Nikki,
not the other way around.
She needs a ride, she calls me.
If you screw this up, then
she's not gonna call me.
- Okay, so what do I do?
- Lemme think. Lemme think.
- You got a gun?
- What? No.
Why does everyone keep
asking if I have a gun?
Calm down, it's
an honest question.
You know karate?
I am an architect!
can know karate.
Well, I don't!
You gonna have to go in, man.
Pretend you're not wearing
a pink shirt and go in!
That's right.
Go ahead, struggle all you want.
You're not getting out of this.
You're never
getting out of this.
Helpless right now, huh?
Pretty vulnerable.
Ah, there we go.
That's too tight.
Oh shit! Oh, Oh!
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.
I'm here. I'm here.
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What do you mean?
He was torturing you.
That was role play, you dumbass.
I was teaching him
how to tie bondage knots.
He pays extra if I let
him wear the dog mask.
Or at least, he was gonna.
Just untie me, okay?
Uh... Jesus. How?
How do you...
Oh, my God!
Is this guy a fucking
Eagle Scout?
Hold on. I took
sailing camp one summer
and I think this is a...
What do you call this knot?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Let me, okay, hold on.
It's like a spaghetti factory.
I don't even know
where to begin.
Under what?
Under, over.
Under, over, yeah.
Pretty simple.
I think I got it,
I think I got it!
Got it, got it, got
it, got it, got it.
Got it. Is that good?
Is that good?
Okay. Phew!
Yeah, that's it.
I knew it!
I knew it.
Here, put this in a case.
Jesus! What the hell
is wrong with you people?
Does this go a certain way?
Now look, I still
gotta get paid,
but I'm gonna give you
half price.
Oh, and good work today.
Oww! Fuck!
Guy, come on.
Sorry. Yeah.
Got it.
Got it. Got it.
Guy, come on!
Fucking got it!
Son of a...
I can't fucking
believe this.
You think this was my fault?
Whose fault was it?
You said an hour!
Yeah, well, he was stuck
on the Bachmann hitch.
That's a really hard knot.
The rabbit has to go
around the tree three times
before he goes down the hole.
You know what, if I'm gonna
be late, I usually text
but you said you were
sticking to the driving
and I was handling
the protection,
which there was no need for,
until you decided there was.
I cannot believe that this
is my life right now.
We committed a crime, Nikki.
An actual crime.
I broke and entered.
I assaulted.
What if he's dead? What if
I just murdered a doctor?
Don't flatter yourself. It's
a bump on the head at best.
What if he calls the cops?
Trust me, the doc is not gonna
tell anyone about this.
Besides him, I'm the
only one that knows
about your retarded heroics.
Suffice to say,
I'm not payin' your
percentage on that stop.
My percentage?
You get 20% of the take.
What "take"?
Everything we make,
you get 20% of.
How do you not know this?
I don't know, I guess...
everything happened so fast,
I forgot to ask about the money.
Never forget
to ask about the money.
How much, exactly,
are we talking about?
Saturday night,
a couple of stops...
Plus the two girls
we're picking up
for the bachelor party...
All in, you could walk away
with a grand, maybe two.
Two... Two thousand... dollars?
Just to be clear, I'm not
doin' you any favors.
You're gonna earn it.
Grab my bag.
Ladies, shake a leg.
Hey, make yourself at home,
why don't you?
I always do.
Where's Jaxi?
Gettin' dolled up.
Who's he?
Hi, I'm Guy.
I'm new.
Nick, what the eff?
Most people do that
in the shower.
I'm not most people.
This is a huge night. We can't
be breaking in a new dude.
Zip it, okay? He's got a sweet ride.
A Volvo.
- This him?
- Uh-huh.
Hi. I'm Guy.
He don't look like no driver.
Look, we have a party
in the penthouse at The Teal.
We need a guy who's on point.
He's up for it, okay?
To prove it, he's gonna
wash the hardware.
- Right, Guy?
- Oh shit!
That'll be fun.
They've been cooking.
- Is it... Oh!
- Scrub-a-dub-dub.
It's leaking.
- Yeah.
- You're kidding, right?
- The den mother don't kid.
- No. Go, go!
Get it done, son.
Chop, chop.
Mine's the purple one.
Have fun.
It's dirty.
Oh! Eww!
Oh, yeah
Oh God!
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think
you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
You're never
gonna get my love
Now because you wear
all these fancy clothes
Oh yeah
And have a big fine car
oh yes, you do now
Do you think
I can afford
To give you my love
Oh yeah
You think you're higher
than every star above
Mr. Big Stuff
Who do you think
you are?
Mr. Big Stuff
You're never gonna
get my love
Eww. What the...
Now I know
all the girls
I've seen you with
I know you broke
their hearts
Baby, why you call me?
What happened with the
lady and the doctor?
No, she's... She's fine.
I picked her up and now we're
at this house in the Valley
with two other girls...
Two other hookers?
Looks that way, yeah.
So you're
with three hookers now?
It's just you,
and three hookers,
at a house in the Valley?
Uh... yeah,
but I'm about to drive them
to a party, where there'll
be a bunch of guys.
Is that supposed
to make me feel better?
What do you want
me to say?
I mean, you're the reason
I'm here at all.
"somebody's daughter?"
Yeah, well it seems
like everyone's
safe and sound now.
A few hours ago, you
wanted me to do anything
to keep our insurance!
Yeah, well baby,
a few hours ago,
there weren't half a dozen
silicone tits
staring you in the face.
Yeah, that's not quite what's
staring me in the face right now.
You still alive in there?
Hey, you're just
supposed to be washing those.
Don't give yourself CPR.
We're gonna be tardy
to the party.
Okay. All right.
Babe. I have to go,
I gotta clean the hardware.
I'll talk to you
in a little bit.
I love you, okay? Bye.
Good to go.
You missed a spot.
What, I scrubbed
with antibacterial.
On your face.
Oh, God.
Ugh, get it off.
Is there...? Can I...?
Come here. Don't be such a wuss.
It's just lube.
Okay, let's go.
Bye, Nicky Hilton.
I call shotgun.
No, bitch, I got shotgun.
Bye, Nicky Hilton.
Breath mints, anyone?
put that shit away.
What is your problem?
I'm not doin' another party
with you about to be
poppin' those.
And why the hell not?
Last time you ate my pussy,
you had one in your mouth,
I was numb for a week.
Numb, but minty fresh.
Bitch. I am always minty fresh.
I'd like you fucking...
Hey, our driver doesn't want
to hear your gory details.
Oh, no, don't mind me.
We won't.
Uh, that's...
that's an open container
right there.
Yeah, sure is.
How else do you
get the liquid out, huh?
Yeah, well...
I don't really think
that's a good idea
to have in the car.
I mean, lots of cops.
What's with this guy?
Tell me he's not for real?
Please tell me.
I'm sorry, but...
do you want us to buckle our seat
belts back here too, grandpa?
'Cause we can.
You know what?
Go easy on him.
He's sensitive... I mean,
being a gay and all.
Oh, you like boys?
Oh my God, that's so cute!
We never had
a homo driver before.
No wonder he took so long
washing the dildos.
Ooh, ain't she got your number!
- We're open-minded.
- Yeah, always.
Ah, yeah, my brothers!
Da ladies are in da house!
Yo, you the pimp?
You don't gotta front, bro.
I know what's up.
You got that gat?
You're the third person to
ask me that tonight and I...
You know what, you don't
wanna know, actually.
Oh, I bet he knows karate.
What's up, bro?
I'm Dan, the Best Man.
Hey, Best Man Dan.
I think we spoke on the phone.
All the stuff in the rider,
is in the room,
including the Tabasco.
Cool, let us get ready.
Hey, boys.
Look, I need these guys to
have the night of their lives,
I mean, I went all out and got
them custom hats and everything.
Umm... in terms of extras
after the show,
how does that work?
Look... You know what?
We can discuss that I'm sure.
Awesome, dude.
Just say the word.
Everyone take your dicks out.
Whoa! Guy?
Guy fucking Carter!
In the flesh.
What the fuck?
Yeah, man.
How long has it been, hustler?
I guess Grad school.
Wow! That is like
a lifetime ago.
You heard I made partner
at Pivot Point?
No, wow.
You made partner.
Wow, that's... Congratulations.
That's amazing.
It's rad.
Me, of all people,
designing cell phones.
Here's the secret.
Just keep makin' 'em thinner.
They'll keep makin'
my pockets fatter.
What about you, man?
How's it shakin'
with old Guy Carter?
Oh... you know,
it's good.
Yeah, man.
It's good. I'm solid.
- Hey, driver.
- Hey.
Guy, get in here.
Pour yourself a drink.
Sucks when the civilians
spot you.
That never used to happen.
Now it's like I can't even
go to a grocery store
without some jack-hole
being like,
"Weren't you
in such and such?"
Used to be if you took
a really nasty job...
Like when you did
Black Cock Down?
And you did
Weapons of Ass Destruction?
You know, the only way
someone would see it
was if they went to an
equally nasty video store,
paid actual money,
watched it in a VCR, returned it
and never gave it
another thought.
Not only is everything
fucking free now,
They watch it over
and over and over.
You guys done with the
grass-is-greener shit?
We gotta bring Guy up to speed.
You ready for your fifteen
minutes, Big Daddy?
I'm not sure I follow.
They think you're a pimp, right?
I thought there were no more
pimps because of Craigslist?
There aren't. But those fools
out there don't know that.
So run with it.
Act like you're Willie Dynamite,
been beating chicks
down for years.
That way they feel sorry
for us and they tip harder.
How many ones you got?
A hundred.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Sell 'em, collect 'em
again, sell 'em again.
If they're not sticky
by night's end,
you didn't turn
'em around enough.
And collect the panties, 'cause they'll
steal 'em and that shit's costly.
Amen. The most important
thing, learn your script.
What, I have to read this?
You have to perform it.
You're a pimp, remember?
You gotta bring out
that big boss, Mac Daddy,
that I know is in you.
Bring it out, boo-boo.
Okay, no.
- What?
- No?
No, no, no, no,
I can't do this.
Are you kidding?
I can't do this.
There are people
out there that I...
I'm sorry.
I thought I was gonna be
delivering pizzas tonight.
I'm in way over my head here.
I... I...
I understand, Guy.
You do?
Yeah, 'cause it's...
Thank you.
We get it.
Thank you.
Because this...
is just not me.
But, I'll pay for your cab,
it's only fair.
We got it, Guy.
One thing, though.
You got a long drive.
Might wanna visit the
little boys room, first.
Smart thinking.
I do kind of have to go.
So, excuse me.
Mm mm mm.
Who said, "Don't break a guy
in on a Saturday night?"
Who said it?
Get your gear on
and shut your faces.
Oh, sorry, it's all yours.
I'm not here for the bathroom.
So, you goin' home
to your boyfriend?
You're still gay, right?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gay. See?
Pink shirt. I'm gay.
you don't like it
when I do this?
Um... not really.
Or this...?
Or this?
Homos don't pop boners
when girls touch them.
You know who does?
Look, can I have
my phone, please?
Is this your "boyfriend"?
That's Anne.
That is my wife.
I wonder what Anne
would think of this?
Let's see, contacts.
Anne Carter.
"Attaching file"...
Okay, Nikki...
Please... please.
She's 37 weeks pregnant.
She's very fragile right now.
She will not understand this,
not in a million years.
I'm sure she wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
I mean, nobody likes a cheater.
Okay, please,
Anne will leave me.
She will leave me, okay?
You don't understand
the stress we're under,
both of us out of work.
Oh, cry me a river, Volvo Guy.
Yeah, things sound
really desperate,
with you turning your back
on an easy grand.
I... I told you,
I can't do this job.
It's too much for me.
Everything's just...
It's too much for me.
I got two words for you, mister,
Buck the hell up.
Now, I'm gonna
keep hold of this.
And you're gonna learn these...
and get
your non-gay-ass
into that room and you're
gonna do your job.
He was un-cool with it.
Now he's cool with it.
Let's go, let's go.
Lets' go.
Bring them out!
Bring them out!
Bring them out!
Bring them out!
Bring them out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
All right. Shit.
That shirt is so pink.
Hello. Hi.
Okay, okay.
- Sit down.
- Come on, get on with it.
You want me to bring
the ladies out...
we gotta learn
a few basic rules.
First and foremost, no kissing
the ladies on the mouth.
They don't like it.
- It's alright, it's...
- Can I kiss you?
That's what it says.
Second rule...
Take off your top!
No fingers in any holes.
That's a deal breaker.
That also goes
for remote controls.
Cheese doodles. Action figures.
Action figures?
Is my dick
an action figure?
Anything other than a sanctioned
toy goes in the holes,
show's over.
One last thing.
You want a hot show,
you're gonna have to tip.
I'll show you my tip.
I'll be selling
ones all night, all right?
So, anyone?
Fuck yeah!
Put your hands together
for the owner and founder
of "Bad Gurls" party services,
Miss Nikki Winters
and her BFFs Jaxi and Fallon!
Take it off!
Work that!
Shake it out right!
Good work, Guy.
You get your phone back.
You like that, Daddy?
There you go.
Um-hmm. Yeah.
I'll take that.
Hey, bullshit on that shit!
Your chick just
lifted all my ones!
That's fuckin' unacceptable.
That's how you run
your business, bro?
No, no, no!
I'm sorry.
I'll get your ones back.
Watch and learn.
Oh yeah! Oh!
Make it rain, baby!
Hi, Daddy!
You like that?
Give me more.
- Hello?
- I'll keep giving you more.
Anne. Hold on,
hold on.
Hon. Everything okay?
What? Wait. Now?
That's impossible.
You're still three weeks away.
This is what
marriage is gonna feel like.
Holy Christ. Okay.
Well, uh...
What should we do?
What do you want me to do?
Okay, I'll be there.
Ow! Hey, it really hurts.
It's supposed to.
Nikki, Nikki, Nikki,
I gotta talk to you.
I'm kinda in the middle
of something.
It's an emergency. Please?
Go to town.
His ass is bleeding, dude!
It actually really hurts.
What's the problem?
I gotta go.
Haven't we been through
this already tonight?
This is different.
I'm having a family crisis.
Yeah, well, You leave, I'm
having a financial crisis, okay?
Party games are up next. You
really wanna miss all the fun?
No, no, but... Yeah, we're gonna
put licorice up our pussies,
and they're gonna eat it out.
Then we pour tequila shots
in our pussies
and they drink it out.
Oh, then we put whipped cream
in our pussies
and they lick...
I get it, I get it.
Lots of stuff going into the...
- That's what we do.
- Pussies.
Yeah, I need you here
to cut the deals,
keep the supplies coming
tequila, candy, whipped cream...
Nikki, my wife just called.
She's having the baby.
Are you fucking with me?
I wish I were.
Go have your damn infant.
Just don't expect to get paid.
'Cause you didn't do shit!
I don't.
It's... I don't.
Bye, loser.
I thought he was gay.
Hi. Maternity?
Hi. What's happening?
Baby, this is Doctor Siegel.
This is my husband, Guy.
Hi. Is it coming out?
Uh... It is,
but not today.
He says I'm not even dilated.
But okay...
What about the pain?
Well, your wife was
experiencing false labor.
Which is not uncommon
during the first pregnancy.
Could be brought on
by anything really.
Dehydration, stress...
We started a saline drip just
to kind of settle things down.
I'm already feeling better.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I cannot have this kid yet.
Well, she is coming out
sooner or later.
I'm gonna go make a note
in your chart.
I'll be back in a bit
to take that drip out.
Thank you.
You know, it really hurts
my feelings
when you say things like that.
I don't mean to upset you.
I'm just...
I'm just being honest.
I'm not ready.
What if I just suck
at being a dad? Really.
What if I'm a bad provider,
financially and emotionally?
I mean, think about it, Annie.
We are bringing an actual human,
a real human life
into this world.
She's gonna be a person.
And everything that
she is and is going to be
depends upon us.
What made us think
we could do that?
What if we're not up to the job?
I just spent two hours
with three women whose parents
clearly did something wrong
because there's no way
a well-adjusted person
would stick licorice rope
up their-
Licorice rope?
I love Licorice rope.
Yeah, me too. I was just
saying how I wish I had some.
Can't help ya there,
but you're lucky
you got a doctor
with a sweet tooth.
Would you care
for a Fruit Burst?
No, thank you.
Baby, what if you're right?
What if she hates us?
Why wouldn't she?
I hate my parents.
You do not hate your parents.
Well, I do. I mean, I don't
totally love my parents.
I wouldn't choose
to hang out with them.
What if she feels about me
the way that I feel
about my mom?
Oh, my God.
I'd kill myself.
Sign here, and here...
Pay that much now,
and then mail this form
into the insurance
to get your reimbursement.
If we still have
insurance by then.
That's about how much
Nikki said I'd make tonight.
What, the hookers?
Yeah, there was a lotta money
flying around.
But I'm done.
Thank you.
Come on. Let's get you
home and into bed.
You should probably
come with me.
No, I don't want to leave my car here.
I'll drive.
Are you sure?
I'll meet you there.
You sure? You sure?
I love you.
I love you.
All right,
I'll meet you at home.
Ma'am, is there a water
fountain around here?
Right around the corner
to the right.
Thank you.
Doctor Kurtz?
Is he...?
Is that a patient?
Hey... Code Grey!
Code Grey!
Oh shit.
Dr. Grey, Dr.
Grey. North wing.
Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey.
North wing.
- Oh jeez!
- Shh.
I just filled this syringe
with 1.1 milliliters
of Anectine.
Enough to paralyze you
for several hours.
It's a very disagreeable
Whatta you say
we go look up Nikki, huh?
Come on.
What are you planning
on doing to her?
I don't know yet.
You're really starting to sound like
a creepy doctor, you know that?
Yeah. You know what?
Just keep driving.
What happened wasn't her fault.
It was mine.
I'm new to this. I thought
she was being tortured.
I pay extra for that.
I know that now,
but I think you can appreciate
the misunderstanding.
I mean, If you heard what I heard...
it sounded pretty extreme.
Obviously, you have issues.
Maybe you should
consider therapy?
Or you might want to rethink
the missionary position.
It still works.
Rather well,
as a matter of fact.
And it leaves s lot
less room for confusion.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't think you realize
how lucky you are.
You're a doctor.
You're getting to do,
what I imagine,
you've always wanted to do...
And getting paid for it.
Do you know how rare that is?
Most people work
their whole lives
and never get that chance.
You go in there
you're throwing it all away.
Your medical license?
And for what?
Go! Go! Go!
Another thing, doctor,
I Googled your house.
It is a Paul Williams.
Preservation boards
go crazy for him
because he was black, working
in an all-white hierarchy.
You could get
landmark status.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Nikki. Shit.
Nikki, don't move.
Doctor, please don't.
Listen to me, think about it.
Think about all of it.
You get landmark status.
Which, on your house,
means no property taxes!
That's huge cash savings.
Holy shit!
Why the fuck did
you bring him here?
What? I...
Did you not just see...?
He kidnapped me!
Dr. fucking Strangelove
works at our hospital.
He was hell bent on getting
revenge or something.
I guess he's
shit outta luck.
Yeah, it looks that way.
I hope to fuck he's not dead.
No, he's just paralyzed
for a couple of hours.
It's a...
Thing. It's a neck...
Awesome. So what's
the deal with your baby?
False alarm.
Well, since you're here,
want your old job back?
Come on, doc.
I got you.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey! Now the party's
gonna get really crazy!
Pull up a bottle, "driver."
We're in the home stretch.
Hey, can you
hook that for me, Love?
Oh, yeah.
That's not one of the
regular Kiss guys, is it?
No, it's Eric Carr.
He's the best.
He replaced Peter Criss
on the drums.
Good to know.
Yeah, he's a fox.
How can you tell? He's got
paint all over his face.
No, I mean, literally.
He's a fox, like,
that's his character.
Her mom slept with him once.
That's Fallon's
big claim to fame,
she could have been
the Kiss drummer's daughter.
Okay, this is it.
The big finale.
We're lookin' to get five bills.
It's up to you.
At this point, there's pretty
much nothing that'll shock me.
Except this.
We're looking to get every
single mother fuckin' dollar.
Work it down to the bone.
I'm ticklish.
Balls out.
This guy?
All right, everybody.
Alright, alright.
Listen, this is the moment
you've all been waiting for.
It's time
for the girl-on-girl...
on-girl sex show.
Now, now listen,
this is one hot, sick show.
Everything you see is real.
I'm serious. Everything.
One hundred percent.
None of it is fake.
Listen, listen...
All right, all right.
Stop it!
- You want proof?
- Bullshit!
Our girl Fallon,
she's gonna prove it.
There's no way to fake
what she's about to do.
Okay, it is the real deal.
Now I don't wanna ruin
the surprise
but suffice to say,
you might not
wanna sit too close.
I need to see the money.
Help me out.
'Cause I can't... We can't go
forward without the money!
So what do you say?
How about some money?
You guys are very smart.
'Cause you just bought
yourself a memory
that you will
never ever forget. Boom.
What I tell you?
Where'd you go? I thought
you were right behind me?
- I got sidelined.
- By what?
It's a long story,
try not to be mad,
but, I'm back at the hotel.
Now you've got me
thinking about this baby.
What if I hate her?
What if she's ugly?
What if she has one of those
giant raspberry birthmarks
on her face and I can't
bond with her
because I can't
even look at her?
What if I hate her
because she's beautiful,
more beautiful than I am?
And I get super jealous
of her and resentful
and competitive because
she has six pack abs...
Guy, come on.
While I bust my ass
at CrossFit every week
and still have this weird
an inner tube around my waist?
Oh, my God, Guy, I feel the
postpartum already setting in.
Does California have a law
where you can drop off
a baby at a fire station...
Babe, babe, babe, babe.
You're spinning.
I know! That's why I need
you to come home right now!
The party isn't over yet.
We need to clean up
and get these girls home.
Look, just try to relax.
Try to lay down. Lay down and
make some chamomile tea.
Just calm...
I can't calm down!
You know why, because
I don't have a "me"
to calm me down
like I do for you!
The one time I need a "me,"
you're not here!
Babe? Babe?
Oh, yeah!
Go! Go! Go!
Oh, my God!
That's so wrong!
Go clean yourself up.
What is that stuff?
Nobody knows.
But you should clean it off.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, shit.
We got robbed.
As in, someone came in here
and snaked all our cash.
Wait, are you sure?
This was full.
Now it's not.
Who would do something
like that?
One of those
limp dick fuck boys.
You killed yourselves
for that money!
I wouldn't go
that far, but, yeah,
it took some effort.
Hold on, wait.
Maybe... Maybe... Maybe it like
just fell out or something.
It didn't.
Well, we should at least have look
around for it, don't you think?
I agree.
Let's look for it.
Mother fuckers! Yeah,
somebody's about to get fucked up.
It's not under here.
Wait! Ladies.
Hey, party's goin' great, man.
That show was a mind fuck.
Yeah, sure was.
We gotta talk about that thing we
were talkin' about. The extras?
Yeah, that's not
happening right now.
What the fuck?
You said we'd get extras.
You gave me your word.
We got robbed, motherfucker.
Either you make up
the difference
or we don't let
anyone outta here.
You're high.
None of these guys
would rob you.
They're all agents.
Suit yourselves.
Ladies, lock the doors.
This is ridiculous.
I'm calling security.
No, you ain't.
Shit just got real.
Wha... Nikki, whoa.
you never mentioned guns.
I thought we were gonna talk.
We are gonna talk.
This helps them listen.
Okay, people.
We got a situation here.
One of you boners
stole my money.
Nobody is leaving
this fucking hotel
until I get it back.
I want all of you cunts
on the carpet.
Yeah, who's taking
their dicks out now, bitch?
He gets a pass.
You can take whatever I got.
Take my wallet.
Take anything.
I don't want your wallet, prick.
I want my money.
The money I earned.
Yeah, the money we earned.
Guy, check 'em.
Check 'em.
Aren't you two cozy.
Fucking guys spooning.
- This one's clean.
- This guy's clean.
Clean. Move!
- Clean here.
- Ooh, library card.
- Clean.
- Munch some carpet!
I touched his penis.
Sorry. Clean.
- Clean.
- Check his pants.
Congratulations, dude.
- Thank you.
- Sorry. Clean.
What about him?
Hey, you don't
have to worry about me.
I mean, you know I'm cool.
- Clean.
- Clean.
Hey, man.
I got laid off six months ago.
I had to do it.
I'll split it with you.
I know one of you
boners stole this shit!
Come on, man, help out a bro.
It's this one.
You dick!
We got a runner!
Get him!
Go! Go! Go!
Move your ass, Guy.
Elevator's not coming, bitch!
Get over here, fucker!
Stop right there!
Please jump.
Make my fucking night.
Oh, I was just messin'
with you guys.
I was totally
gonna give it back.
You idiot.
It's right here.
Every cent.
Frisk his ass.
That's just...
Homeboy is doughy as fuck.
Look here.
I forgot about that. Sorry.
Okay, I told you,
I was gonna give it back.
I was just bustin' your balls.
Turn around
and get on your knees.
On your knees, fuck-tard!
You like to play games, right?
What're you gonna do, Guy?
Someone's about to get fucked up.
Guy, buddy, please, please,
don't let them hurt me, please.
I'm so sorry!
I'm so, so, so, so sorry!
Nikki, Nikki...
Hey, listen.
piss on this fucker.
- What?
- Hell yeah!
Nikki, hold on,
that's just plain gross.
You cannot pee-pee on me!
Guy, don't let them do this!
Honey, my bladder's about to burst.
Do you wanna
go first, or should I?
You filthy bitches!
No, don't don't don't!
Seriously, stop. Don't...
Yeah, pee on him.
Oh God, stop. No!
Rainbow kiss!
It's in my mouth!
Fallon, what the fuck
are you doing?
You said pee on him.
He's blindfolded.
He can't tell the difference!
Well, I really had to go.
You nasty, filthy bitches!
Wait. Why does she get
to pee on him and I don't?
Give it back to me,
Smells like asparagus.
Hey, man.
Good thing she didn't
have to poop, huh?
Having fun yet?
Is this what every
Saturday night is like?
Pretty much.
How do you survive?
Smooth jazz helps.
I think I might need
something stronger.
Smooth metal.
Why are you such a stress case?
Oh, I don't know.
Because I'm about to have a kid.
I don't have a career.
Your kid doesn't
need you to have a career.
What does she need?
For you to basically do what
you've been doing tonight with us.
Okay, I think you and I
have very different philosophies
on how to raise kids.
I don't know.
No, I think it boils down
to a ride and protection.
Sure you can throw in
washing their stuff
and picking up after them,
which, incidentally,
you also did tonight.
But mostly,
kids just need a ride
and protection.
It doesn't matter if you drive
a Porsche or a Pontiac.
As long as the kid knows that
you're gonna be there on time
and they're gonna be safe,
it's a job done.
We both know you can do that.
You can do that like a champ.
Now, look...
Now before we clear out
of the room,
do an idiot check.
Come on.
Hey, ladies, hold up.
I've got something of yours.
Oh my God,
these are my favorites.
Someone was supposed
to collect all the panties.
They were under the couch.
I'm just glad I was able
to get 'em back to you.
Well, thanks.
It really was
a dynamite show.
I'd also like to say
I'm sorry for what
happened back there.
Some guys...
they just don't say a lot
for the male gender,
now do they?
Yeah, well, if it wasn't
for the male gender,
we wouldn't have jobs.
True, which leads me
to my next point.
Now, I know you said
you guys were done...
Here we go.
Dude, go home.
Bust a load off in your sink.
I got two hundies burnin'
a hole in my pocket.
My truck is right in the corner,
so, what do ya say?
What the hell.
This will just take
a few seconds, no offense.
Come on.
Some taken.
But... yeah. Shall we?
My cousin made over a million
bucks selling vitamins.
Maybe coke vitamins.
No, bitch.
Real fucking vitamins.
Okay, that was
so black-ish of you.
Bitch, I am black. Stop fucking
playing with me like that, Fallon.
So is she gonna go all the way
with that guy, right over there?
What're you, 12?
I'm just sayin'.
Oh, he's worried.
You worried about her, pops?
Well, when you actually think
about it, it is worrisome.
Okay, here's
what they don't teach you
when you buy a ticket
at the door.
Pros, do the absolute minimum.
That means, we dance
a little, talk dirty...
Finger ourselves.
Maybe a hand job.
If he can get it up, which,
more than likely, he can't.
Exactly. These guys are so
full of vodka and whatnot,
it's mostly babysitting.
That's why they call it a trick.
Professionals, rarely, if ever,
give up the cookie.
No fucking way. Oh, my God, this
cannot be fucking happening.
What's not happening? The guy
from the party. He's busting Nikki!
He's a fucking cop,
we gotta get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
Guy, drive!
What about Nikki?
Nikki's going to jail right now,
which is not where we're goin',
so you need to drive
this fucking car
before I do it for you.
We can't leave.
What 'cause of Nikki?
Fucking drive the car!
Back the fuck up!
Let's go!
- What the fuck?
- What're you doin'?
Come on, dude.
- What the fuck?
- Why are you stopping?
- What are you doing?
- Keep going!
Drive forward!
What the fuck?
Press the fucking pedal!
Whoa, hey!
Go! Go! Go!
You did not just do that!
What the fuck, Tokyo Drift?
I don't see 'em in the back.
That's because
there's nobody behind us.
Tokyo Drift, you did it!
Oh, fuck!
Is everyone okay?
Not really.
What happened?
We're fucked.
Oh my God, you guys,
jail fucking sucks.
But on a Saturday night,
jail sucks donkey dick.
Hold on. Stop it.
No one's going to jail.
Unless you can fly...
Come on, come on.
Let's go!
All right.
Guys, come on.
Even if you leave the car,
they're still gonna
arrest you at home.
But they're not gonna arrest you.
Come on!
Down the alley. Go!
Adam 12 to dispatch of the
29th alleyway of 3rd and 4th...
we're requesting
additional units, over.
Let's head
'em off at Temple.
Let's move, let's move
Come on!
Hey, wait for the white people!
Oh, watch out for that.
Hey, hey, hey!
We lost them.
Who are the baddest
bitches on the planet?
We are! Nobody's
fucking with us!
I'd hug you right now...
if I had arms.
I guess I got
a little carried away.
Just a teeny tiny.
Hey, do you have a bobby pin?
Sparkly or regular?
Give it here.
Wake your ass up, ho.
This is my souvenir.
Wait. Aren't you
forgetting something?
Oh yeah. My money.
For such a bad night, it
was actually pretty good.
We have Guy to thank for this.
You rocked harder
than Eric Carr.
The Fox.
a stand-up guy, Guy.
Hey, you too. Well...
I get it.
I gotta get this one to bed.
Bye, guys.
Guy, you can drive me any time.
As soon as I get out of jail.
Ahh, hold me.
You're taking the dog out.
Can you wait a bit?
It'll just be a sec,
I gotta take her bags up.
Well, actually,
it might be more than a sec.
I wanna show you something.
After all you've done,
you deserve a reward.
Can I get you a drink?
No, thank you, I'm good.
I'll be right back.
This is an impressive
amount of tea pots here.
Thanks. Yeah, I've
been collecting 'em forever.
They're mostly vintage.
I'm really into animal ones.
I've gotten some
sick deals on eBay.
See that elephant one
with the pink flower?
Guess how much I paid for that?
Uh, fifteen dollars?
Ninety-nine cents.
Plus shipping.
You can't beat that
with a stick.
Wow. No, that is a sick deal.
Wow, yeah...
Your place is...
very tastefully done.
I'm glad you're
noticing these things.
It's good, considering
why I brought you here.
I want to show you something.
Something very personal.
It's mine, that land.
The only thing
it's missing is a house.
A tasteful house.
You realize, building a
house from the ground up
is incredibly expensive.
I mean, it could be hundreds
of thousands of dollars.
Guy, what do you know about me?
Not much.
What's one thing you do know?
You like money?
And do you think I spend it,
or save it?
Save it?
And if I've been
saving for eleven years,
how much do you think I have?
A lot?
Try a fuck of a lot.
So when can I see
those drawings?
Next week. Definitely.
I expect a friends
and family discount.
Yeah, without a doubt.
Let me give you
my lawyer's details.
Have your wife call as soon
as the police arrest you.
Tell her Patricia referred you.
That's your real name?
Patricia Cornbluth.
Now beat it.
I need my beauty sleep.
Thank you.
Oh, and, Guy?
When you come back
with those drawings...
these will be waiting for you.
I can't wait.
You came back.
I am so sorry that I
got us into this mess,
but Nikki...
she has this lawyer who will
handle the entire thing,
and she might not charge us,
as a favor to Nikki.
I think if I go peacefully,
maybe they won't
come down too hard on me.
What are you talking about?
Weren't... they here?
The police?
Did they call?
No, Guy, no police
have come or called.
What the hell is going on?
Maybe I dreamt the whole thing.
Are you
in some kind of trouble?
Maybe not.
I'm glad you're back.
I didn't think you were coming
back after my mini meltdown.
You're allowed
to have a meltdown.
Of course I was coming back.
How else was I gonna be
able to give you this?
What did you have to do
to get all this?
You don't wanna know.
Actually, I do.
I'll tell you everything.
Because the police
are probably going
to come here and take me away.
So, umm...
But I want you to know that...
I don't care anymore
about ducks being in a row.
I don't.
Ducks be damned.
As long as I have you
and our daughter...
Ducks can go fuck themselves.
I don't think that
would be a good idea.
Then there'd just be
more to take care of.
Is that...
is that a siren?
No. That is
the John Lennon mobile
I attached to the crib.
I assembled it myself...
and a few other things.
Isn't this that Volvo
we were lookin' for.
It is that Volvo
we were lookin' for.
Motherfucker's behind
on like, six payments.
Let's go repo that shit.