Bad Ass 3: Bad Asses on the Bayou (2015) Movie Script
MAN: Your credit is based
on various factors...
and after reviewing your history...
I'm sorry to say you've been denied.
Denied? You... You gotta be shittin' us.
There's gotta be some mistake.
- I have a mortgage that I pay on time.
- Yeah.
I understand, Mr. Vega,
but like I said, there's other factors.
You've opened up another credit line...
which you're completely maxed out on.
Look, Mr., uh... Guillermo Gomez.
My friend Bernie, this...
this is his second liver surgery
in... in six months.
We have 10 prescriptions...
that we have to fill...
every two weeks.
- Nobody move!
- (SCREAMING)
- (GRUNTS)
- Listen up!
I want everybody on the floor!
I want your palms flat on the ground!
That means you too, old man!
Goddamn, Frank.
Man, why don't you watch
what you're doing, man?
- I'm sorry, Bernie. It was an accident!
- MAN: Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
It cost me $190 to refill
this goddamn prescription...
It cost you $190?
I want you to know that
came out of my disability check!
You gonna hold that over my head now?
I see how it works now.
It's tit for tat, huh?
No, no, it's only tit for tat...
when tat actually
does something for tit.
You're one ungrateful asshole.
You know that?
Screw you!
Wrong move, asshole.
(GRUNTING)
On the ground now!
(GRUNTS, GROANING)
These nuts!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS, GROANING)
BERNIE: These nuts!
Using only a walker
and an autographed baseball...
two elderly men managed to stop
a robbery in progress.
Y ahora en el centro de la ciudad
tenemos a dos jubilados...
que han parado el robo de un banco.
Es el caso de los heroes ms improbables.
So I hope the bank
ultimately gave you a loan.
Nope. But they gave us somethin' else.
A goddamn certificate
for a job well done.
(CHUCKLING)
Isn't this some shit?
Look at me, man. (LAUGHS)
I'm prettier than Denzel.
- (LAUGHING)
- Shoot.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
- (LAUGHING)
(BEEPS)
- BERNIE: Who's that?
- (SIGHS) Rosaria.
She liking Arizona?
It's Florida. Uh...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's... She's, uh...
- She's doing all right.
- Sorry, man.
No, no, it's... it's...
You know, it's wonderful, man.
I'm really happy for her.
Rosaria's got a really good job, and...
Julia's going to a much better school.
I'm really happy for 'em.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (CAN POPS OPEN)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
- Hello?
- WOMAN: You cheatin' on me, Frank?
'Cause I'll be damned if you the toughest
man to get in touch with.
- Carmen, mi amor. What's happening?
- Oh, nothin' much.
Besides the fact
that I'm getting married!
- (SQUEALS)
- What?
Yes! His name is Geoffrey.
We met six weeks ago.
We fit together like molasses and pie.
I've never connected with
someone like this before, Frank.
Oh, that's great.
I can't wait to meet him.
Well, you're gonna get
your chance this weekend.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yup.
And you and Green Machine
are in my wedding party.
Pack your things, boys.
You comin' down to Baton Rouge.
(GIGGLES)
That's wonderful, Carmen.
And we would love
to be there, but, uh...
You know what, right now Bernie and I are
going through some financial difficulties...
Shut your pie hole, Franklin.
You're not gonna have to pay
for anything, cheap-ass.
Daddy's pickin' up the tab.
That's really generous
of your father, but...
But nothin', Vega. I already e-mailed you
your flight arrangements.
This is a paid vacation for you boys.
So pack up your damn fanny pack
and bring y'all asses down here...
before I fly out there
and drag you by your earlobes.
(LINE CLICKS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
This shit don't agree with me
one bit, man.
I told you, fish on an airplane.
Man, they don't mix.
(GROANS) Oh, shit.
(GROANING)
I gotta hit the bathroom. (GROANING)
(DOORKNOB RATTLES)
Son of a bitch.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, yeah.
Hey, little lady.
What you got for dessert?
(ZIPPER ZIPS)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
At this point in my life,
I just don't have time for relationships.
But I do have time
for one-nighters though.
Are you open to one-nighters, Bernie?
One-nighters, two-nighters...
however long it takes.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
But you're going to have
to return to your assigned seat.
This is my assigned seat.
Can I see your boarding pass, please?
Come on, man. Give me a break.
(CHUCKLES)
- It's been a pleasure.
- Bye.
You cock-blocking son of a...
PILOT: (ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
as we start our descent into Baton Rouge...
local time is 3:00 PM,
and temperature is a cool 65 degrees.
MAN: Hey
Oh
Mmm. Nothing like the smell
of the deep South.
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Is that us?
I don't think there's
another Vega/Pope in Louisiana.
Gentlemen, my name is Hung.
May I take your bags, please?
I got this, homey. I... I got this.
- Sir, I insist.
- Shit, you can take mine.
After you, sir.
Boy, I could get used to this.
(LAUGHING)
MAN: (RAPPING) Pick the best out
Soon as they enter my flow
I'm like the US super British
say, I'm still in the show
Like step in my lane
Trust every step that I'm taking
I'm headed right to the top
until I'm famous
My words are drawings
you stare at in amazement
You pray that I fall
I'm sorry that I made it
Know what the state of bein'
not jaded feels like?
Where the perception matters
more than real life
Your dream car takes space
in my yard
Got investments in Mars
Like to shoot for the stars
Look, oh
This is how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life, hey
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is the life, hey
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Yeah, picture this
Takin' off the whole summer
When bill collectors call
"You must have the wrong number"
Shows overseas, they got love for me
But best believe
I'm touring Belize just for me
Oh, I'm getting in my grind
It's relentless
Forgetting how to use the word
"buzzard" in a sentence
- Huh?
- They all tryin' to fit in words by guessin'
I'm flyin' out to unknown settings
Oh, this is how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is the life
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Yeah, oh
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
REPORTER: (ON RADIO)
Forecast is cloudy and windy today...
with gusts up to 40 miles per hour...
the temperature dropping
to 59 degrees this afternoon.
Cloudy and continuing wind overnight
with a low of 47.
- Oh, shit.
- Cloudy with a few sunny breaks...
- with a high of 53.
- (MUTTERING)
With the winds from the northwest...
- Oh, come on.
- It's currently 51 degrees.
REPORTER 2: (ON RADIO) With the Washington
Monument in the background...
the president has just arrived
off of his helicopter...
and is coming from Camp David
to spend time...
with the gathering
on the White House lawn.
This is a regular appearance...
Oh, Christ!
- Hey!
- (CHUCKLING)
(FRANK GRUNTS)
Gimme the purse.
Fuck you!
- (GRUNTS)
- Click it or ticket, asshole.
MAN: Take care of this shit.
Whoa, they grow them
pretty big here in Baton Rouge, huh?
(GRUNTING)
- All right now, big fella.
- Son of a bitch.
- Pow!
- Aaah!
- Shit.
- Aaah!
Watch it.
- Whoo.
- I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh!
Ooh, my nose! Oh, you busted my nose!
(GROANS)
- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.
You have a nice day.
Wow.
- Carmen's parents live here?
- HUNG: Yes, sir.
- Man.
- Reminds me of my vacation home.
- (CHUCKLES)
- CARMEN: Oh!
Oh, oh! All right, finally!
Now we can get this party started! Oh!
- BOTH: Oh.
- Oh!
(KISSES)
- Damn, you look good, girl.
- (GIGGLING)
Now, you boys had your chance.
I'm a taken woman now, okay?
(LAUGHING) Come on in.
I wanna introduce you
to my mama and daddy.
Damn, if I knew you had this much money,
I would've proposed to you six months ago.
(ALL LAUGH)
Mama, Daddy, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
- Oh. Well, welcome, gentlemen.
- Oh.
Thank you. Pleasure to meet you.
- And thank you for bringing us out here.
- Yeah, very generous of you.
- Ah, it's our pleasure.
- MAMA: Ooh, Carmen.
You didn't tell me
how handsome they were.
DADDY: Hey, girl, take it easy.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, my goodness!
Baby, what happened?
Oh, it was just Kyle and his buddies.
Earl, do you see this?
Baby, just a little
innocent roughhousing.
Boys'll be boys. He'll be just fine.
Son, let me introduce you to your sister's
friends from California, Bernie and Frank.
- What's up, guys?
- Sister?
CARMEN: Yeah. He's my brother
from another mother.
Mama had that in vitro thing. We think
the egg and the sperm got a little mixed up.
Felt all the same to me.
Either way,
we love us some little Ronny.
Well, gentlemen, welcome.
Now let me show you to your room.
My, oh, my, Earl. (CHUCKLES)
This house must have
cost you a pretty penny.
- (CHUCKLES) Didn't cost me a dime.
- Say what?
It's a family estate passed down
from generation to generation.
It was given
to my great-great-granddaddy...
post-Civil War...
as part of the agrarian reform
for black farmers.
Little did anybody know that this house was
sitting on mineral reserves, including oil...
which turned our family into
millionaires overnight.
Damn. Karma's a bitch, Robert E. Lee.
- (ALL LAUGH)
- Ain't it the truth?
Hope you guys don't mind
sleepin' in the same room.
We got a lot of guests stayin' over,
so the house is kinda full.
Hey, I didn't know
you were in the military.
Oh, yeah.
Spent some time in Nam
many, many years ago.
I don't even know
who that guy is anymore.
There we go.
Everything ought to be here, but, if there's
anything else at all that you need...
please don't hesitate to ask.
What time you sending up the ladies?
(LAUGHING)
- After midnight.
- Why so late?
(LAUGHING)
Uh, fellas,
I just wanna say thank you...
for watchin' over my little girl
while she was in LA.
- It means a lot.
- Carmen's a special girl.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Oh, now. Oh, rehearsal dinner's
in less than an hour.
You guys got to get dressed.
I took the liberty of hangin' up a couple
suits for you in the armoire.
I think we got your right sizes.
- One minute.
- (HIP-HOP)
MAN: (RAPPING) I just do what I do
See me
I just do what I do
I just do what I do, do you know about me?
I just do what I do
- Let's do this.
- (LAUGHS)
Yeah, I just do what I do
See me
I just do what I do
Yo, check
Let me flip this script
I feel privileged
by all who can witness this
Damn. They invited
the entire state of Louisiana.
Maybe they're just popular or something.
Whoo!
Gentlemen, can I tempt your palate to some
of Louisiana's finest mint juleps?
Don't mind if I do.
Wow, I've never seen a drink
with a plant growing out of it.
That's not a plant, sir.
Those are mint sprigs. Very refreshing.
- Enjoy.
- Mmm.
- Mint sprigs.
- Here's to.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
CARMEN: Straight outta the pages of GQ.
Damn! You boys look like
fine Southern gentlemen.
- Hey, baby.
- (LAUGHING)
There you go.
Girl, I can't leave you for two minutes
without someone hitting on you.
Oh, baby, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
Boys, this is my Geoffrey.
Gentlemen, it's an honor
to finally meet you.
- You must be Frank.
- Pleasure.
- And you must be Green Machine.
- Yeah. Nice to meet you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
You're getting yourself
a wonderful woman.
Oh, I know. I'm blessed.
Must've done something good
in a past life to deserve her.
Isn't he cute?
EARL: Geoffrey!
- Looks like I'm being summoned.
- Mmm.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Sweetheart.
Nice guy.
No one has ever made me feel
the way he does...
and I've never been happier.
What happened to him?
If you don't mind me asking.
He was in Afghanistan
on the front lines.
He took an IED for a buddy.
I'm sorry, Carmen.
Nothing to be sorry about.
That man lives his life like
he's standin' seven feet tall.
(LAUGHING)
I wanna thank you all for comin', and now
I'd like to say a few words.
You know, it's tough for a father...
to watch his daughter grow and...
then to give her away to a stranger.
Wait a minute.
- That's the speech from her first wedding.
- (ALL LAUGH)
Here it is.
It's tough for a father
to watch his daughter grow...
give her away to some stranger...
- get her back and then give her away again.
- (ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
But it makes it easier when you have
a future son-in-law like Geoffrey here.
- Mmm?
- (APPLAUSE)
Your mother and I wish you both
the very best.
MAN: Hear! Hear!
- (WHISTLES) Okay, okay. A toast. A toast.
- Yeah.
Carmen and Geoffrey, we wanna wish you all
the best in the world forever.
May you always have happiness, love...
- and you know what else... you know that.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHING)
(EXHALES) Yeah.
Mmm. Mmm.
Ahhh.
Ah, yeah.
(SNORING)
(SNORING)
- (MEN SHOUTING)
- (PUNCHES LANDING)
(CARMEN CRYING)
(MAN GROANS)
Let her go!
- Shut up, buddy!
- Bernie!
(GRUNTING)
- FRANK: Bernie!
- (MEN SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
Bernie, for Christ's sakes, help me!
(POLICE SCANNER CHATTER)
BERNIE: Hey, Frank!
Frank!
Goddamn, man! How could you be sleeping
at a time like this?
Huh? Ow! (GROANS)
- Where's Carmen?
- That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Somebody took her.
(CHATTERING)
GEOFFREY: I don't know.
Like I said, we were sleeping and they
just barged in and took her.
That's all I remember.
Jesus Christ, shouldn't you all be out
looking for these bastards?
Just calm down. You need to understand this
is all part of the process.
I don't think you understand.
My fiance's been kidnapped!
Damn it, we told you. We never heard
a thing until Frank started yellin'.
By the time we got out there,
they were gone.
- (SOBBING) I want my child.
- I know, baby.
Can you give us any type of description?
(SIGHS) Well, I couldn't make out
much in the dark, but, uh...
they had ski masks and, uh...
there was a lot of 'em.
- How many would you say?
- Eight, 10, maybe more.
Come on, man. How could you not know?
Maybe because it was pitch black,
and they all kept comin' at me...
and I didn't have any help, Bernie!
So now you gonna blame me for it, huh?
Okay, gentlemen.
Let's not bicker.
It's not gonna help us get her back.
You are gonna find her?
It's a pretty small town.
239,139 to be exact, Mr. Vega.
Just a tad bit bigger than Mayberry.
DETECTIVE: Okay, Chief,
I think we got everything here.
Follow up with, uh... Wigram on
them there surveillance cameras.
I'm on it.
Chief Broussard...
I don't want the next time I see my daughter
to be on the side of a milk carton.
You hear me? Now, I don't care what it takes
or how much money I got to spend.
You got to get her back,
and you got to get my daughter back now.
Telephone call for you, Mr. Morgan.
- Hung, now is not the time.
- He says he has Carmen.
- Is he on hold?
- Yes.
We got this thing tracked.
Take the call.
- (BEEPS)
- Hello.
MAN: Let's cut to the chase, Mr. Morgan.
Five million for your daughter.
You'll have 32 hours...
upon which I'll contact you to reveal
a designated meeting location.
You mess up any of my instructions
and she's dead.
(LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE)
EARL: I don't know. It could be anyone.
You know, a black man with money
is not a recipe for popularity.
You know, whoever did this
really planned it out.
This was organized.
Anyone have it out for you
or been following you around?
Of course. I get people all the time
trying to get me to invest in businesses...
or sell this house.
Man, I can't believe this is happenin'.
This is my baby girl. She's supposed
to be gettin' married on Sunday.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Mmm.
Oh. We need your help.
This is a small town. We don't get too many
of these types of crimes around here.
But I know you boys have experience
with this back in LA.
- Uh, not exactly...
- We need your help.
We need you to find Carmen
and bring her back home.
Mrs. Morgan, you have the... the...
The police are on this...
The police aren't going to do anything.
They got their heads so far up their asses
they can't see squat.
We need you two...
if there's any hope in me
gettin' my Carmen back.
RONNY: Guys!
Guys, look what I found
by the side gate.
- Buford? Who names their kid Buford?
- Let me see.
Ronald found this on
the north side of the estate.
Now, how'd my people overlook this?
Sloppiness really gives me
the mal au ventre.
We'll check into it.
Might be one of my boys.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- Whoa...
You must have some idea
who's behind this.
Let me tell you something.
This ain't Los Angeles.
This here is Baton Rouge.
We don't go in for that canaille vigilante
crap y'all be pullin' down there.
And if you even think about
gettin' involved in this case...
I hear you put even
one nose hair in this case...
I'm gonna lock y'all up
for the rest of y'all golden years.
You gentlemen enjoy
the rest of y'all afternoon.
Let's go get those son of a bitches.
- MAN: (RAPPING) When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Flush 'em out quick
Just like Drano
Keep doing your thing
It's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off
Call it volcano
We in the bayous know Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they're duck hunters
No Toyotas but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool
Now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that how it started?
Dat-dat-dat-dat
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam
Fire like charcoal
We soldiers shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
Duck and run for cover
I'm just gonna make this clear
right now. No running.
- What?
- Now, I will do all the ass-kicking you want.
But I'm not chasin' after shit.
Such a bitch.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHATTERING)
We're not in LA anymore.
MAN: (RAPPING) Yeah, yeah
Uh-huh
Whoo, whoo
That's what I'm talkin' about
right there
- This is how we roll
- This is how we roll
Take you where you wanna go
BERNIE: Whoo!
Goddamn kidney stone's
kickin' my ass again.
You're fallin' apart
piece by piece, chief.
- Hey, good news, I still got my penis.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Hello there, little lady.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Come on. Let's go in.
- Yeah.
(MAN: COUNTRY ROCK) Three hours
back into the swampy woods
I can still see his face
Blood-stained clothes,
covered in mud
Gotta get out of this place
(CONTINUES)
Last time I saw this many
white people in one place...
they set fire to a cross
on my dichondra. (CHUCKLES)
Bernie, it's good for you to get out of your
comfort zone, meet some people.
Ah, not these type of people.
But then, Mama always said,
"Don't be so closed-minded." (LAUGHS)
- (CLATTERING)
- (EXCLAIMING)
(STOPS)
Uh, hello, ladies and gentlemen!
We just wanna ask you...
one question.
Go ahead, Frank.
Oh, uh...
Yeah, we're looking for a Mr. Buford.
Does anybody here know his whereabouts?
MAN: I do.
Hey... (CHUCKLES)
Hey, fellas. How ya doin'?
Looks like you're healing up
real nicely.
Hell yeah. Much better than y'all did
before we fucked y'all up.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Ow!
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
Take a seat!
Die, asshole!
Ow! Ow!
Now...
you Q-tip-looking motherfuckers!
I'm gon' ask you one more time!
Where's Buford?
(GROANS)
I said no running.
(SCATTERED MOANING)
Hey. Hey.
Mr. Buford.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- How'd you get in here without your VIP card?
- (WHIMPERING)
- Now, where's Carmen?
- Fuck off!
Oh. Oh, okay. Fuck off.
(SCREAMS)
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Get the hell back.
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
I don't know, man! I swear to God!
I ain't got access
to the inner circle, man.
Landry does. Landry knows!
- Where can I find this Mr. Landry?
- Downtown, man.
Up the road.
It's on Seventh and Convention.
A big white loft, top floor.
You can't fuckin' miss it.
I really wanna thank you
for your cooperation. I mean it.
(BUFORD GROANING)
Ronny. What's up, buddy?
Hey. I was just actually runnin' late...
No, hey, I understand.
You're a busy man.
Got places to go.
He's got deals to make. I get it.
I was gonna ask you a favor as a friend.
My car's in the shop.
I'm gonna borrow yours for a couple weeks.
- Cool with that?
- My car?
This week,
we have family in... in town...
and... and I'm playing chauffeur.
Oh, yeah. No, hey. I totally get it.
I get that.
Listen, either you give me this car...
or I'll beat the shit out of you.
It's your choice.
Hey.
- You boys got somewhere you gotta be?
- Yeah.
We're all set.
Keep it moving.
Unless you gonna let my ass go,
I don't want shit from you.
Is that any way to treat your host?
I done got you them nice white shoes
to keep your feet warm.
Look, you Duck
Dynasty-looking motherfucker.
If you think for one minute you gonna get
away with this shit, you dead wrong.
All right then.
I'll keep it warm for you.
Those goddamn old bastards.
They just came in and roughed up Buford.
Pete.
You mind taking that someplace else?
Yeah, sure.
BROUSSARD: What the fuck?
How in the hell Buford
let two old sons of bitches rough him up?
- I don't know. He's a goddamn mama's boy.
- I told y'all to follow them.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Why do all bad guys got nice places?
Same reason
they all got beautiful women.
Boy, what you talking about?
They don't all have beautiful women.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, little lady. We're here to see Landry.
- Is he around?
- Landry doesn't live here anymore.
- So get lost.
- (CHUCKLES)
Can you tell us where we might find him?
- Get your foot out of my door.
- Come on, little girl.
No sense in you acting all...
(GROANING)
I think she loosened a crown.
Wait. Now hold it. There's no need for
violence. We just wanna talk.
(STAMMERING)
Now, look here, lady. We're gentlemen.
We don't hit women... Ow!
Now, all we wanna know
is where Landry is.
Fuck you!
- All right.
- Let go of me! I can't breathe!
Not till you tell me where Landry is.
Buckhead...
(GASPING)
- Where is he?
- He works at Buckheads.
It's... (GASPING)
It's a... barbecue place
just outside of town.
He'll be there tomorrow morning.
Now get the fuck outta here!
So soon?
I thought we had a beautiful connection.
Aside from your foot in my kidney.
Goddamn. You see any internal bleeding?
Damn.
What's up, buddy?
So happy I ran into you here, man.
- Listen, Kyle, I...
- Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen, I'm gonna need, like,
20 bucks or so for some snacks.
(SIGHS) I, uh... I don't have that.
- Oh, I think you do, money ball.
- No, not really. I would.
Hand it over...
before I beat you senseless.
Yeah. All right.
Why don't you get a job?
Who the hell are you?
Friends of Ronald.
If I'm not mistaken,
they're hiring here.
KYLE: You've gotta be kidding me.
You got your grandpa in here
to protect you?
Don't you two got some early
bird buffet to hit up?
Yeah, if I were you two,
I'd back the hell up right now before I...
- Kyle!
- What?
(LOW VOICE) It's the Bad Asses.
KYLE: What?
Bad Asses. From the bank.
Oh, snap, it is.
Wow! Whoa, we are huge fans.
- Kyle.
- Dad.
- What's goin' on here?
- Nothin'.
Just havin' a conversation with Ronny and
the Bad Asses. You know who these guys are?
Yeah, we've met. Gentlemen.
Mom wants us home for dinner before 6:00,
so we gotta get a move on.
Okay. We're all cool.
Good evening.
EARL: I appreciate what y'all did...
but I can't have you interfering
in my son's business.
I'm trying to steer him away
from violence and threats...
and instead use diplomacy...
as a tool to confront conflict, hmm?
- How's that diplomacy workin' out for you?
- Just fine.
No offense, gentlemen...
but I am not a fan of your tactics.
I think there's better ways
to solve problems.
Explain to me, Earl.
How do you go from bein' in the Marines
to bein' a pacifist?
After you've seen what I've seen...
you never wanna be involved
with violence again.
(WHEELCHAIR APPROACHES)
- Geoffrey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Hey, son.
I can't believe this is even happening.
Now, we got it covered, Geoff.
I can't stop thinking
about what they're doing to her right now.
Calm down, son. Take it easy.
Why don't you try to get some sleep?
You think I can sleep
at a time like this?
- (CLATTERING IN DISTANCE)
- (DOG BARKING)
Hey, what was that?
Hey, you'll have to excuse me.
I think I just knocked over
one of Mr. Morgan's planters on the way in.
For some reason,
he's got it out for you two.
You boys need to just
stay away from this case.
I have a problem stayin' away from somethin'
I know nobody's doin' anything about.
Who said nobody's doin' anything
about this case? Huh?
I can assure you we are doin' everything we
can, and we'll get Carmen back.
That's bullshit, man.
Excuse me?
People above you are makin' a mockery
of your justice system.
Look, Mr. Vega...
I am all for what you two are about.
But my advice
is just to leave this alone...
and let us do our job, okay?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES, BUZZING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure. Come on in.
Sit down.
(EXHALES) I just wanted to thank you
for helping me out.
It was nothin'.
They just needed
a little straightening out.
I want you to have this.
This was my father's.
He carried it around with him
during the war.
It's pure titanium. This saved his life.
Look, you can even see the bullet mark.
Ronald, it's beautiful,
but I can't keep this.
Please.
I want you to have it.
Thank you.
Can I... ask you a question, Frank?
Yeah.
Did you always have it in you to...
be a hero?
I don't know.
I'm just... wondering...
if it's something you just have...
or you don't.
You've got it in you.
You just gotta be true to yourself...
and keep doing the right thing.
BERNIE: All right, now.
Cut out that Little House on the Prairie
shit and get the hell to sleep.
Shit.
(SNORING)
(SQUISHING)
(GRUNTING)
I can't tell you how many times she accidentally
rubbed her elbow against my nuts.
That's what they call
good ol' Southern hospitality.
Okay, now.
(GASPS)
I promise, if I get out of this
I'm going to Jenny Craig.
Password. Password.
"Long beard."
"Moonshine."
You need a little bit more black pepper in
there, and then you got something.
- Okay.
- What do we got here?
That's not bad. Needs a touch more paprika
in that rub though.
Thank you.
What the hell'd
you put in this, coullion?
Who the hell you calling
"coullion," coullion?
- Who the hell is you?
- Where's Carmen?
Hold on!
You didn't answer my friend's question.
Where's Carmen?
"I married my cousin."
Damn!
(RINGING)
Hello, 1988.
(GRUNTING)
All right, cochons, who gonna die first?
(GROANS)
Come on. Come on, come on.
- Where is she?
- You go to hell!
(FAX LINE SQUAWKING)
- Jawn, you in there?
- (BANGING)
(GROANS)
Okay. Now, where is she?
You go to hell, salope!
FRANK: All right!
- (SCREAMING)
- (SIZZLING)
- (GASPING, WHIMPERING)
- Okay, now where's Carmen?
- Fuck you!
- Okay.
No, no, no, no! No! No!
Okay! I'll tell you!
I'll tell you! I'll tell you!
She's over at the compound
in Greenwell Springs!
You're gonna give me
the address and your car keys.
Just take 'em! (GROANING)
MAN: I'll check her room!
Do you mind,
you Peeping Tom motherfucker?
- This here door wouldn't...
- Just back that ass up outta here.
(EXHALES)
Get me Harris.
FEMALE VOICE:
Please enter your destination.
I guess fat guys with big beards
also have nice trucks. (LAUGHS)
I don't know how to get back.
What?
I pressed in the wrong address...
and I don't know how to
go back and delete it.
- Try pressing "delete."
- Where's "delete"?
(SIGHS) On the keyboard.
(SIREN WAILING)
There, no need. We've got some help.
(WAILING CONTINUES)
(PA SPEAKER: HONKING)
Whew. Hey.
Thank goodness, fellas.
We had no idea where we were going.
Freeze and put your hands
over your head!
- Hold on. What's going on...
- Shut your mouth and put your hands in the air!
Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you fellas out here...
in the middle of nowhere.
I gotta tell you...
it ain't the safest place
for out-of-towners like you.
You lowlife son of a bitch.
- (GROANS)
- Try.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(GRUNTING)
What happened?
Turns out they weren't willing
to help with directions.
(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)
Well, rise and shine, Mr. Vega.
Where you taking us?
It's a surprise.
But I can tell you this much...
The view is something special.
(LAUGHING)
I been goin' on and on, tryin' to get you
boys not to get involved...
but you wouldn't listen.
Now... it's time to pay the price.
Look, homey...
we're gonna give you
one last chance to redeem yourself.
Yeah.
You let us go, and we won't kill you
when this is all over.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
What you been smokin', brah?
The jig is up.
Y'all lose.
You're never gonna get away with it.
I'm the police chief.
I'm the shit around here.
Here we go, gentlemen.
I'm about to find y'all
a nice little piece of private swampland...
to drop y'all into.
I wish you two a bon voyage.
(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)
C'est la vie.
(RINGING)
- Hello?
- MAN: Reynolds Oil Refinery.
East gate. 6:00.
Your wife brings the money. Alone.
We see anyone else there,
your daughter dies.
Now hang on one second.
- (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE)
- Hello?
Hello!
Uh, excuse me.
I'm lookin' for Chief Broussard.
He said he'd be back in 20 minutes.
I'll wait.
Any of you boys wanna play canasta?
We... We could use a third.
I don't know how the hell
we gon' get outta this.
It don't look like they're
passing out any parachutes.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah...
(GASPING, GROANING)
(SHOUTS) Son of a bitch!
- (GROANS LOUDLY)
- Bernie, you all right?
- This is real bad!
- He needs some help, man!
(GROANING CONTINUES)
He had a liver transplant
and his body's rejecting it!
If we don't hold him down,
he'll choke on his tongue!
(GROANS) Son of a...
- Come on now! We need some help!
- (GROANING CONTINUES)
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
Night-night, homey.
Well, that's great.
You know how to fly one of these things?
FRANK: Come on. I've seen Top Gun
a hundred times.
We need to figure out
how we gonna land this baby.
See if there's an instruction manual
in the glove compartment.
Glove compartment? Mexican, this ain't
your daddy's Eldorado! Shit!
You know what?
This looks like somethin'.
Hey, hey! Jesus Christ, Vega! You just can't
start blindly pulling on shit!
(CHUCKLING)
Goddamn! (LAUGHS)
- My boy knows how to fly a plane!
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay, now. I think we need
to slow it up a bit. Okay?
That's the part I'm not too sure about.
- That shit ain't workin', man!
- I'm trying everything!
Try harder! That shit ain't working!
- (BOTH YELLING)
- BERNIE: Slow down!
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
BOTH: Oh, crap!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
No wonder your ass is taking the bus.
You can't drive anything worth shit!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines.
There's no reception.
- Where the hell you going?
- I'm going to get help.
Out in the middle of nowhere?
We're probably 50 miles away
from anything, man. I ain't walking.
- Well, then stay here.
- You kidding?
What about all these damn gators and
werewolves and all that shit?
All right, hold on.
(SIGHS) Bernie, look, I ain't
got time for this shit.
Now you're either coming or staying.
But you can't have it both ways.
(RUSTLING)
What the hell is that?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(HORNS HONKING)
Damn.
Don't matter if you're in LA
or Baton Rouge.
Everybody has goddamn rush hour traffic.
What the hell are we supposed to do now?
Use the shoulder, homey.
Security's tighter
than the Ugandan Consulate.
How the hell are we gon' get in?
Why you always gotta be
sweating everything? We got this.
Yeah.
What the hell you boys
think you're doin'?
Uh, lost a contact lens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
Ah! Here it is.
(LAUGHING) Found it.
- Oh, good.
- You got that?
Uh-huh. Got it.
- Yeah.
- I guess we'll be going.
Freeze, assholes.
I know you.
You're those two old fuckers.
- Yeah.
- That's us.
Oh, shit!
Man, you old geezers are bad-ass!
- Thanks, man.
- Appreciate that.
- Yeah.
- We all real big fans.
(CHUCKLING) All right.
Unfortunately,
I'm still gonna have to kill y'all.
- Excuse me?
- What?
You boys been trespassing.
Trespassing's grounds for shooting.
Now look, there's no reason
to shoot two old guys.
Sorry, brahs. Just doing my job.
(RIFLE COCKS)
(GROANS)
Lights out, ho.
What about diplomacy, Earl?
Screw diplomacy.
Now let's go get my daughter.
Any ideas?
That one.
(CHUCKLING)
(LOUD CLANK)
How the hell we supposed
to know where she is?
Something tells me we've found her.
Any suggestions?
- Not one.
- (SIGHS)
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (MEN GROANING)
MAN: (IN DISTANCE) Get down there!
Let's go.
- Damn, Earl.
- (GUNSHOT)
Well, hell, it's about damn time.
You know how he likes
to make an entrance.
Daddy! What are you doin' here?
What do you think? You okay?
Okay, we gotta get outta here. Now!
You're gonna need this.
Let's go get those motherfuckers.
MAN: (RAPPING) In time of war
My front line
I'm in fatigues
Let 'em know that it's go time
Never fall back
Don't fall behind
Never be blind
Read between the lines
Never testify
Never suicide
Never dislike
Never show your cries
100 by here
Do it on the fly
We ain't perfect either,
but Lord knows we try
Take actions, reactions
Ain't no right
Gotta come out blazin'
in the heat of the night
Be ready to ball
or be ready to fall
You be best careful
what you askin' for
When it rains, it pours
Kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues
'cause we ready for war
If you ain't ready for war
you won't be ready for more
You best be careful
what you asking for
When it rains, it pours
Kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues
'cause I'm ready for war
And then the nation
drawin' forces like a congregation
Ain't no way you're holding back
to the day you make it
Always gotta try and prove yourself
Demonstration
Try to cut 'em up real quick
like a Haitian
Show no fear here when
it comes to complications
Shit!
(MEN GROANING)
Take that, bitches!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Very impressive.
- (HAMMER COCKS)
- Drop your weapons.
Drop your weapons!
Geoffrey, what the hell are you doin'?
I know this is all quite confusing.
But the truth of the matter is...
the plan got derailed a bit
by your boys here.
Geoffrey,
if this is your way of eloping...
you should've came clean
before my daddy started signing checks.
Can't get a deposit back now.
I always loved your sense of humor.
Hey!
Put the gun down.
I'm not going to hurt her...
unless somebody tries to play hero.
Now, move into the other room.
Now!
You too, lovey. Off you go.
Who are you?
(GRUNTS)
You had no intentions
of marrying her, did you?
It's not that she's not
a wonderful young lady.
And if the circumstances
were different, who knows?
But this is a business opportunity...
that my cousin and I couldn't pass up.
Your cousin? As in the police chief?
Yes.
You would be correct, Mr. Vega.
Pretty sharp you are.
Just leave my daughter with us.
I'll see that you get your money.
Oh, I wish I could
take you up on it, Earl...
but for some reason I don't believe you.
In addition, we've got big plans for Carmen
to help us get out of the country.
You son of a bitch!
Calm down, Earl.
We're gonna get you.
I highly doubt that, Mr. Vega.
(GRUNTING)
You see, this is
the end of the line for you lads.
(LAUGHING)
With that, I must wish you
a heartfelt good-bye.
Lucas!
Come on, lovey. Off we go, lovey.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, shit.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(ALL COUGHING)
Looks like we gon' have some barbecue
tonight. I hope they like dark meat.
It's too tight. They're too tight.
Come on, my man. You gotta have somethin'
in that fanny pack of yours.
My hands are tied.
We're screwed, fellas.
No way out of this one.
(COUGHING CONTINUES)
"Hey, come on. Let's go to Louisiana."
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
"A little vacation,
get away from it all."
- Oh, now it's all my fault?
- You bet your ass it's your fault.
Can't you ever
take responsibility for anything?
Yeah. If you hadn't pushed us
out here, I wouldn't have...
EARL: Enough!
Can't a man even die in peace?
(COUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry, man.
No. (CHUCKLES)
It was a good ride.
(CHUCKLES) It was, huh?
Yeah. (COUGHING)
(WHEEZING)
(GASPS)
Hey, do you guys need a lift?
It's Ronny! What the hell?
Get in the truck! Get in the truck!
- (COUGHING CONTINUES)
- (GASPING)
Come on, go!
You saved our lives! My white baby boy!
You saved our lives!
How did you know we were here?
I didn't. I hid in the back of the car.
And that gives us exactly 22 minutes to make
it to that Reynolds Oil Refinery...
before Mom makes the exchange.
- Twenty-two minutes?
- You got it.
- That place is 45 minutes away.
- Then you'd better step on it.
They're gonna have
a whole damn army with them.
We're gon' need some help, man.
Ronald, give me your cell phone.
(BOAT HORN BLOWING)
Geoffrey?
Hello, Lois.
I know this isn't what you expected...
but if you'd just hand over the money...
I'll get you Carmen.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
You scum-sucking pig.
Hand over the money.
You go screw yourself.
(LAUGHING)
I admire your courage...
but it's not worth it.
Not giving you nothing
till you hand her over.
Suit yourself.
- (GASPS)
- (HORN HONKING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
Let's kick some geriatric ass!
LOIS: Oh! Earl!
Come on. Get out of the car.
Earl! (SOBBING) Earl, are you all right?
Yeah. You done real good, baby.
(EARL KISSES)
Whoo! Look at this!
Baby boy to the rescue!
I'm so happy to see you!
Ohh!
FRANK:
Damn cops are late even in Louisiana.
Hands in the air!
Jesus Christ there, Geoffrey.
(GROANING)
How the hell you let this thing get
this far out of hand?
Son of a bitch.
- I believe this belongs to me.
- Hey!
Oww!
Mr. Vega.
You done gone and messed everything up.
And now...
everybody's gonna have to die for it.
Starting with you.
(HAMMER COCKS)
You bad-ass.
Freeze!
(GUNS COCKING)
Drop it, Julius!
Oh, Pete. Now, what you doin' here?
It's over. Drop the gun!
Boy, you done got yourself
into somethin' way above y'all heads.
Now if I was you...
I'd go on, go back home...
take your little boys with you.
Put the gun down, Julius!
Put your hands above your head! Now!
That's not gon' happen, boy!
Best step the hell off...
'cause I'm about to...
(GASPING)
Get the fuck back!
- Get the fuck back!
- Hell no!
(GROANS) Goddamn!
- (GRUNTING, GROANING)
- (GUNSHOT)
(GROANING)
You shot my fanny pack!
(SHOUTING, CHEERING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
- Frank! You okay?
- Yeah.
Goddamn! That fanny pack
saved your life! What?
(LAUGHS) It was Ronald's watch.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- It take a lickin' and keep on tickin'!
Damn, Green Machine!
Is that you or a lead pipe in your pocket?
(GROANS)
Stay down, bitch.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, I guess that's about it.
Oh, come on, boys. You sure you don't wanna
chill out here a few more days?
We'll make it worth your while.
We'd love to, but Bernie's got a doctor's
appointment first thing tomorrow morning.
All right, then.
Bring it on in for the sweet thang.
Oh! (SIGHS)
You have no idea how grateful
I am to the both of you. Thank you so much.
- You're gonna be all right.
- Hell, yeah.
- Who needs another man when I have you two?
- (ALL LAUGHING)
You know, you boys
are welcome here anytime.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You got about five minutes before you hit
the road. Can I borrow you two a moment?
Yeah. All right.
I'm deeply indebted to both of you.
You brought my child back.
Words can never express
how much I appreciate that.
But you gave me somethin' else.
For the first time in 30 years, guys...
30 years...
I feel alive again.
And because of that,
I've found my true purpose.
I wanna bring justice
back to those places...
that have been completely
drained of it...
and I wanna do it with the two of you.
Think of it as three old guys
kickin' ass.
- Sounds like a great idea, Earl, but...
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, Bernie and I...
have other responsibilities.
Oh, Frank, I'm aware of that.
I know you got your community center.
And of course Bernie's got his liquor store.
I'm not asking you to give that up.
Look, I wanna make it
as easy as possible for both you guys.
I will fund the entire operation...
and I will put
the both of you on salary.
That way you won't have to worry about paying
your bills, especially those medical bills.
You serious, man?
As a liver transplant.
So what do you say, guys?
You ready to clean up this country?
(HIP-HOP)
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- (WOMAN, MAN LAUGHING)
Oh, Bernie.
There is more to you than meets the eye.
I must say, I'm intrigued.
As am I, Kate.
As am I.
Excuse me, sir, but you're going to have to
return to your assigned seat.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(R&B)
MAN: Ooh, I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
MAN: (RAPPING) Gotta find a way,
searching for them better days
Even under pressure
I'm ahead of where to fade away
Shining like the lights of Vegas
up in Mandalay
All you got in this life
is your family
LA to Houston
Philly to Brooklyn
Going back and forth
in this game like Ping-Pong
Big Tank boss
I'll get 'em while I'm gooder
See more crack in the slums
than a plumber
Line us with the bread
Slick with the butter
But the streets is hotter
than an Arizona summer
Black, brown minority normally
But we just can't win
against authority
Unless we realize we the majority
And we can change that history
My story, your story
Many stories
Walk through hell
just to get to the glory
- Yeah
- Ooh
MAN: (SINGING)
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
MAN: (RAPPING)
If I had wings I would fly
Blowing cush in a mile
See the judge but never testify
I was tryin' to make it out the ghetto
terrified from the world
So Hollywood Boulevard
It's the same everywhere
no matter who you are
All around the world
poverty strikes the poor
Rich stay rich
Gotta kill it at the core
Need I say more?
Dreams are cut short
News will report
Son slayed on the porch
Drugs import and then they export
The core buys more and
they rarely can afford it
Live check to check
and workin' 9:00 to 5:00
Struggle day in, day out
No lie
Tryin' to do better Lord knows I try
Only way to make it is if I supply
- Damn
- Ooh
MAN: (SINGING)
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
Won't let us grow
(HIP-HOP)
- MAN: (RAPPING) When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Duck and run and hide
Yeah, you better rook for cover
Carry a lethal weapon
and I call it Danny Glover
Its favorite saying is
"blucka-blucka-blucka-blucka"
A bad mother...
No time for any suckas
Fly out from out of town
Oh, yeah, it's goin' down
Travel at the speed of sound
Can you hear me now?
We ain't in LA no more
We up in Baton Rouge
These sucker fish
They ain't got no Blue's Clues
Esperan este for real
They ain't got suficiente
We armed to the teeth
No importa lo que sientes
Automatic spray
No fear in my face
All my soldiers yelling out
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Flush 'em out quick just like Drano
Keep doing your thing
It's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off
Call it volcano
We in the bayous know Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they duck hunters
No Toyotas but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool
Now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that how it started?
Dat-dat-dat-dat
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam
Fire like charcoal
We soldiers shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
on various factors...
and after reviewing your history...
I'm sorry to say you've been denied.
Denied? You... You gotta be shittin' us.
There's gotta be some mistake.
- I have a mortgage that I pay on time.
- Yeah.
I understand, Mr. Vega,
but like I said, there's other factors.
You've opened up another credit line...
which you're completely maxed out on.
Look, Mr., uh... Guillermo Gomez.
My friend Bernie, this...
this is his second liver surgery
in... in six months.
We have 10 prescriptions...
that we have to fill...
every two weeks.
- Nobody move!
- (SCREAMING)
- (GRUNTS)
- Listen up!
I want everybody on the floor!
I want your palms flat on the ground!
That means you too, old man!
Goddamn, Frank.
Man, why don't you watch
what you're doing, man?
- I'm sorry, Bernie. It was an accident!
- MAN: Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
It cost me $190 to refill
this goddamn prescription...
It cost you $190?
I want you to know that
came out of my disability check!
You gonna hold that over my head now?
I see how it works now.
It's tit for tat, huh?
No, no, it's only tit for tat...
when tat actually
does something for tit.
You're one ungrateful asshole.
You know that?
Screw you!
Wrong move, asshole.
(GRUNTING)
On the ground now!
(GRUNTS, GROANING)
These nuts!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS, GROANING)
BERNIE: These nuts!
Using only a walker
and an autographed baseball...
two elderly men managed to stop
a robbery in progress.
Y ahora en el centro de la ciudad
tenemos a dos jubilados...
que han parado el robo de un banco.
Es el caso de los heroes ms improbables.
So I hope the bank
ultimately gave you a loan.
Nope. But they gave us somethin' else.
A goddamn certificate
for a job well done.
(CHUCKLING)
Isn't this some shit?
Look at me, man. (LAUGHS)
I'm prettier than Denzel.
- (LAUGHING)
- Shoot.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
- (LAUGHING)
(BEEPS)
- BERNIE: Who's that?
- (SIGHS) Rosaria.
She liking Arizona?
It's Florida. Uh...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's... She's, uh...
- She's doing all right.
- Sorry, man.
No, no, it's... it's...
You know, it's wonderful, man.
I'm really happy for her.
Rosaria's got a really good job, and...
Julia's going to a much better school.
I'm really happy for 'em.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (CAN POPS OPEN)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
- Hello?
- WOMAN: You cheatin' on me, Frank?
'Cause I'll be damned if you the toughest
man to get in touch with.
- Carmen, mi amor. What's happening?
- Oh, nothin' much.
Besides the fact
that I'm getting married!
- (SQUEALS)
- What?
Yes! His name is Geoffrey.
We met six weeks ago.
We fit together like molasses and pie.
I've never connected with
someone like this before, Frank.
Oh, that's great.
I can't wait to meet him.
Well, you're gonna get
your chance this weekend.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yup.
And you and Green Machine
are in my wedding party.
Pack your things, boys.
You comin' down to Baton Rouge.
(GIGGLES)
That's wonderful, Carmen.
And we would love
to be there, but, uh...
You know what, right now Bernie and I are
going through some financial difficulties...
Shut your pie hole, Franklin.
You're not gonna have to pay
for anything, cheap-ass.
Daddy's pickin' up the tab.
That's really generous
of your father, but...
But nothin', Vega. I already e-mailed you
your flight arrangements.
This is a paid vacation for you boys.
So pack up your damn fanny pack
and bring y'all asses down here...
before I fly out there
and drag you by your earlobes.
(LINE CLICKS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
This shit don't agree with me
one bit, man.
I told you, fish on an airplane.
Man, they don't mix.
(GROANS) Oh, shit.
(GROANING)
I gotta hit the bathroom. (GROANING)
(DOORKNOB RATTLES)
Son of a bitch.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, yeah.
Hey, little lady.
What you got for dessert?
(ZIPPER ZIPS)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
At this point in my life,
I just don't have time for relationships.
But I do have time
for one-nighters though.
Are you open to one-nighters, Bernie?
One-nighters, two-nighters...
however long it takes.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
But you're going to have
to return to your assigned seat.
This is my assigned seat.
Can I see your boarding pass, please?
Come on, man. Give me a break.
(CHUCKLES)
- It's been a pleasure.
- Bye.
You cock-blocking son of a...
PILOT: (ON PA) Ladies and gentlemen,
as we start our descent into Baton Rouge...
local time is 3:00 PM,
and temperature is a cool 65 degrees.
MAN: Hey
Oh
Mmm. Nothing like the smell
of the deep South.
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Is that us?
I don't think there's
another Vega/Pope in Louisiana.
Gentlemen, my name is Hung.
May I take your bags, please?
I got this, homey. I... I got this.
- Sir, I insist.
- Shit, you can take mine.
After you, sir.
Boy, I could get used to this.
(LAUGHING)
MAN: (RAPPING) Pick the best out
Soon as they enter my flow
I'm like the US super British
say, I'm still in the show
Like step in my lane
Trust every step that I'm taking
I'm headed right to the top
until I'm famous
My words are drawings
you stare at in amazement
You pray that I fall
I'm sorry that I made it
Know what the state of bein'
not jaded feels like?
Where the perception matters
more than real life
Your dream car takes space
in my yard
Got investments in Mars
Like to shoot for the stars
Look, oh
This is how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life, hey
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is the life, hey
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Yeah, picture this
Takin' off the whole summer
When bill collectors call
"You must have the wrong number"
Shows overseas, they got love for me
But best believe
I'm touring Belize just for me
Oh, I'm getting in my grind
It's relentless
Forgetting how to use the word
"buzzard" in a sentence
- Huh?
- They all tryin' to fit in words by guessin'
I'm flyin' out to unknown settings
Oh, this is how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
This is the life
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
This is the life
Packin' no bills
This is the life
Uh-huh, uh-huh
Yeah, oh
Look at how we shine
This is the life
House on the hill
REPORTER: (ON RADIO)
Forecast is cloudy and windy today...
with gusts up to 40 miles per hour...
the temperature dropping
to 59 degrees this afternoon.
Cloudy and continuing wind overnight
with a low of 47.
- Oh, shit.
- Cloudy with a few sunny breaks...
- with a high of 53.
- (MUTTERING)
With the winds from the northwest...
- Oh, come on.
- It's currently 51 degrees.
REPORTER 2: (ON RADIO) With the Washington
Monument in the background...
the president has just arrived
off of his helicopter...
and is coming from Camp David
to spend time...
with the gathering
on the White House lawn.
This is a regular appearance...
Oh, Christ!
- Hey!
- (CHUCKLING)
(FRANK GRUNTS)
Gimme the purse.
Fuck you!
- (GRUNTS)
- Click it or ticket, asshole.
MAN: Take care of this shit.
Whoa, they grow them
pretty big here in Baton Rouge, huh?
(GRUNTING)
- All right now, big fella.
- Son of a bitch.
- Pow!
- Aaah!
- Shit.
- Aaah!
Watch it.
- Whoo.
- I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh!
Ooh, my nose! Oh, you busted my nose!
(GROANS)
- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.
You have a nice day.
Wow.
- Carmen's parents live here?
- HUNG: Yes, sir.
- Man.
- Reminds me of my vacation home.
- (CHUCKLES)
- CARMEN: Oh!
Oh, oh! All right, finally!
Now we can get this party started! Oh!
- BOTH: Oh.
- Oh!
(KISSES)
- Damn, you look good, girl.
- (GIGGLING)
Now, you boys had your chance.
I'm a taken woman now, okay?
(LAUGHING) Come on in.
I wanna introduce you
to my mama and daddy.
Damn, if I knew you had this much money,
I would've proposed to you six months ago.
(ALL LAUGH)
Mama, Daddy, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
- Oh. Well, welcome, gentlemen.
- Oh.
Thank you. Pleasure to meet you.
- And thank you for bringing us out here.
- Yeah, very generous of you.
- Ah, it's our pleasure.
- MAMA: Ooh, Carmen.
You didn't tell me
how handsome they were.
DADDY: Hey, girl, take it easy.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, my goodness!
Baby, what happened?
Oh, it was just Kyle and his buddies.
Earl, do you see this?
Baby, just a little
innocent roughhousing.
Boys'll be boys. He'll be just fine.
Son, let me introduce you to your sister's
friends from California, Bernie and Frank.
- What's up, guys?
- Sister?
CARMEN: Yeah. He's my brother
from another mother.
Mama had that in vitro thing. We think
the egg and the sperm got a little mixed up.
Felt all the same to me.
Either way,
we love us some little Ronny.
Well, gentlemen, welcome.
Now let me show you to your room.
My, oh, my, Earl. (CHUCKLES)
This house must have
cost you a pretty penny.
- (CHUCKLES) Didn't cost me a dime.
- Say what?
It's a family estate passed down
from generation to generation.
It was given
to my great-great-granddaddy...
post-Civil War...
as part of the agrarian reform
for black farmers.
Little did anybody know that this house was
sitting on mineral reserves, including oil...
which turned our family into
millionaires overnight.
Damn. Karma's a bitch, Robert E. Lee.
- (ALL LAUGH)
- Ain't it the truth?
Hope you guys don't mind
sleepin' in the same room.
We got a lot of guests stayin' over,
so the house is kinda full.
Hey, I didn't know
you were in the military.
Oh, yeah.
Spent some time in Nam
many, many years ago.
I don't even know
who that guy is anymore.
There we go.
Everything ought to be here, but, if there's
anything else at all that you need...
please don't hesitate to ask.
What time you sending up the ladies?
(LAUGHING)
- After midnight.
- Why so late?
(LAUGHING)
Uh, fellas,
I just wanna say thank you...
for watchin' over my little girl
while she was in LA.
- It means a lot.
- Carmen's a special girl.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Oh, now. Oh, rehearsal dinner's
in less than an hour.
You guys got to get dressed.
I took the liberty of hangin' up a couple
suits for you in the armoire.
I think we got your right sizes.
- One minute.
- (HIP-HOP)
MAN: (RAPPING) I just do what I do
See me
I just do what I do
I just do what I do, do you know about me?
I just do what I do
- Let's do this.
- (LAUGHS)
Yeah, I just do what I do
See me
I just do what I do
Yo, check
Let me flip this script
I feel privileged
by all who can witness this
Damn. They invited
the entire state of Louisiana.
Maybe they're just popular or something.
Whoo!
Gentlemen, can I tempt your palate to some
of Louisiana's finest mint juleps?
Don't mind if I do.
Wow, I've never seen a drink
with a plant growing out of it.
That's not a plant, sir.
Those are mint sprigs. Very refreshing.
- Enjoy.
- Mmm.
- Mint sprigs.
- Here's to.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
CARMEN: Straight outta the pages of GQ.
Damn! You boys look like
fine Southern gentlemen.
- Hey, baby.
- (LAUGHING)
There you go.
Girl, I can't leave you for two minutes
without someone hitting on you.
Oh, baby, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
Boys, this is my Geoffrey.
Gentlemen, it's an honor
to finally meet you.
- You must be Frank.
- Pleasure.
- And you must be Green Machine.
- Yeah. Nice to meet you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
You're getting yourself
a wonderful woman.
Oh, I know. I'm blessed.
Must've done something good
in a past life to deserve her.
Isn't he cute?
EARL: Geoffrey!
- Looks like I'm being summoned.
- Mmm.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Sweetheart.
Nice guy.
No one has ever made me feel
the way he does...
and I've never been happier.
What happened to him?
If you don't mind me asking.
He was in Afghanistan
on the front lines.
He took an IED for a buddy.
I'm sorry, Carmen.
Nothing to be sorry about.
That man lives his life like
he's standin' seven feet tall.
(LAUGHING)
I wanna thank you all for comin', and now
I'd like to say a few words.
You know, it's tough for a father...
to watch his daughter grow and...
then to give her away to a stranger.
Wait a minute.
- That's the speech from her first wedding.
- (ALL LAUGH)
Here it is.
It's tough for a father
to watch his daughter grow...
give her away to some stranger...
- get her back and then give her away again.
- (ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
But it makes it easier when you have
a future son-in-law like Geoffrey here.
- Mmm?
- (APPLAUSE)
Your mother and I wish you both
the very best.
MAN: Hear! Hear!
- (WHISTLES) Okay, okay. A toast. A toast.
- Yeah.
Carmen and Geoffrey, we wanna wish you all
the best in the world forever.
May you always have happiness, love...
- and you know what else... you know that.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHING)
(EXHALES) Yeah.
Mmm. Mmm.
Ahhh.
Ah, yeah.
(SNORING)
(SNORING)
- (MEN SHOUTING)
- (PUNCHES LANDING)
(CARMEN CRYING)
(MAN GROANS)
Let her go!
- Shut up, buddy!
- Bernie!
(GRUNTING)
- FRANK: Bernie!
- (MEN SHOUTING)
(GRUNTING)
Bernie, for Christ's sakes, help me!
(POLICE SCANNER CHATTER)
BERNIE: Hey, Frank!
Frank!
Goddamn, man! How could you be sleeping
at a time like this?
Huh? Ow! (GROANS)
- Where's Carmen?
- That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Somebody took her.
(CHATTERING)
GEOFFREY: I don't know.
Like I said, we were sleeping and they
just barged in and took her.
That's all I remember.
Jesus Christ, shouldn't you all be out
looking for these bastards?
Just calm down. You need to understand this
is all part of the process.
I don't think you understand.
My fiance's been kidnapped!
Damn it, we told you. We never heard
a thing until Frank started yellin'.
By the time we got out there,
they were gone.
- (SOBBING) I want my child.
- I know, baby.
Can you give us any type of description?
(SIGHS) Well, I couldn't make out
much in the dark, but, uh...
they had ski masks and, uh...
there was a lot of 'em.
- How many would you say?
- Eight, 10, maybe more.
Come on, man. How could you not know?
Maybe because it was pitch black,
and they all kept comin' at me...
and I didn't have any help, Bernie!
So now you gonna blame me for it, huh?
Okay, gentlemen.
Let's not bicker.
It's not gonna help us get her back.
You are gonna find her?
It's a pretty small town.
239,139 to be exact, Mr. Vega.
Just a tad bit bigger than Mayberry.
DETECTIVE: Okay, Chief,
I think we got everything here.
Follow up with, uh... Wigram on
them there surveillance cameras.
I'm on it.
Chief Broussard...
I don't want the next time I see my daughter
to be on the side of a milk carton.
You hear me? Now, I don't care what it takes
or how much money I got to spend.
You got to get her back,
and you got to get my daughter back now.
Telephone call for you, Mr. Morgan.
- Hung, now is not the time.
- He says he has Carmen.
- Is he on hold?
- Yes.
We got this thing tracked.
Take the call.
- (BEEPS)
- Hello.
MAN: Let's cut to the chase, Mr. Morgan.
Five million for your daughter.
You'll have 32 hours...
upon which I'll contact you to reveal
a designated meeting location.
You mess up any of my instructions
and she's dead.
(LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE)
EARL: I don't know. It could be anyone.
You know, a black man with money
is not a recipe for popularity.
You know, whoever did this
really planned it out.
This was organized.
Anyone have it out for you
or been following you around?
Of course. I get people all the time
trying to get me to invest in businesses...
or sell this house.
Man, I can't believe this is happenin'.
This is my baby girl. She's supposed
to be gettin' married on Sunday.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Mmm.
Oh. We need your help.
This is a small town. We don't get too many
of these types of crimes around here.
But I know you boys have experience
with this back in LA.
- Uh, not exactly...
- We need your help.
We need you to find Carmen
and bring her back home.
Mrs. Morgan, you have the... the...
The police are on this...
The police aren't going to do anything.
They got their heads so far up their asses
they can't see squat.
We need you two...
if there's any hope in me
gettin' my Carmen back.
RONNY: Guys!
Guys, look what I found
by the side gate.
- Buford? Who names their kid Buford?
- Let me see.
Ronald found this on
the north side of the estate.
Now, how'd my people overlook this?
Sloppiness really gives me
the mal au ventre.
We'll check into it.
Might be one of my boys.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- Whoa...
You must have some idea
who's behind this.
Let me tell you something.
This ain't Los Angeles.
This here is Baton Rouge.
We don't go in for that canaille vigilante
crap y'all be pullin' down there.
And if you even think about
gettin' involved in this case...
I hear you put even
one nose hair in this case...
I'm gonna lock y'all up
for the rest of y'all golden years.
You gentlemen enjoy
the rest of y'all afternoon.
Let's go get those son of a bitches.
- MAN: (RAPPING) When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Flush 'em out quick
Just like Drano
Keep doing your thing
It's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off
Call it volcano
We in the bayous know Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they're duck hunters
No Toyotas but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool
Now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that how it started?
Dat-dat-dat-dat
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam
Fire like charcoal
We soldiers shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
Duck and run for cover
I'm just gonna make this clear
right now. No running.
- What?
- Now, I will do all the ass-kicking you want.
But I'm not chasin' after shit.
Such a bitch.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHATTERING)
We're not in LA anymore.
MAN: (RAPPING) Yeah, yeah
Uh-huh
Whoo, whoo
That's what I'm talkin' about
right there
- This is how we roll
- This is how we roll
Take you where you wanna go
BERNIE: Whoo!
Goddamn kidney stone's
kickin' my ass again.
You're fallin' apart
piece by piece, chief.
- Hey, good news, I still got my penis.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Hello there, little lady.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Come on. Let's go in.
- Yeah.
(MAN: COUNTRY ROCK) Three hours
back into the swampy woods
I can still see his face
Blood-stained clothes,
covered in mud
Gotta get out of this place
(CONTINUES)
Last time I saw this many
white people in one place...
they set fire to a cross
on my dichondra. (CHUCKLES)
Bernie, it's good for you to get out of your
comfort zone, meet some people.
Ah, not these type of people.
But then, Mama always said,
"Don't be so closed-minded." (LAUGHS)
- (CLATTERING)
- (EXCLAIMING)
(STOPS)
Uh, hello, ladies and gentlemen!
We just wanna ask you...
one question.
Go ahead, Frank.
Oh, uh...
Yeah, we're looking for a Mr. Buford.
Does anybody here know his whereabouts?
MAN: I do.
Hey... (CHUCKLES)
Hey, fellas. How ya doin'?
Looks like you're healing up
real nicely.
Hell yeah. Much better than y'all did
before we fucked y'all up.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Ow!
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
Take a seat!
Die, asshole!
Ow! Ow!
Now...
you Q-tip-looking motherfuckers!
I'm gon' ask you one more time!
Where's Buford?
(GROANS)
I said no running.
(SCATTERED MOANING)
Hey. Hey.
Mr. Buford.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- How'd you get in here without your VIP card?
- (WHIMPERING)
- Now, where's Carmen?
- Fuck off!
Oh. Oh, okay. Fuck off.
(SCREAMS)
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Get the hell back.
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
I don't know, man! I swear to God!
I ain't got access
to the inner circle, man.
Landry does. Landry knows!
- Where can I find this Mr. Landry?
- Downtown, man.
Up the road.
It's on Seventh and Convention.
A big white loft, top floor.
You can't fuckin' miss it.
I really wanna thank you
for your cooperation. I mean it.
(BUFORD GROANING)
Ronny. What's up, buddy?
Hey. I was just actually runnin' late...
No, hey, I understand.
You're a busy man.
Got places to go.
He's got deals to make. I get it.
I was gonna ask you a favor as a friend.
My car's in the shop.
I'm gonna borrow yours for a couple weeks.
- Cool with that?
- My car?
This week,
we have family in... in town...
and... and I'm playing chauffeur.
Oh, yeah. No, hey. I totally get it.
I get that.
Listen, either you give me this car...
or I'll beat the shit out of you.
It's your choice.
Hey.
- You boys got somewhere you gotta be?
- Yeah.
We're all set.
Keep it moving.
Unless you gonna let my ass go,
I don't want shit from you.
Is that any way to treat your host?
I done got you them nice white shoes
to keep your feet warm.
Look, you Duck
Dynasty-looking motherfucker.
If you think for one minute you gonna get
away with this shit, you dead wrong.
All right then.
I'll keep it warm for you.
Those goddamn old bastards.
They just came in and roughed up Buford.
Pete.
You mind taking that someplace else?
Yeah, sure.
BROUSSARD: What the fuck?
How in the hell Buford
let two old sons of bitches rough him up?
- I don't know. He's a goddamn mama's boy.
- I told y'all to follow them.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Why do all bad guys got nice places?
Same reason
they all got beautiful women.
Boy, what you talking about?
They don't all have beautiful women.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, little lady. We're here to see Landry.
- Is he around?
- Landry doesn't live here anymore.
- So get lost.
- (CHUCKLES)
Can you tell us where we might find him?
- Get your foot out of my door.
- Come on, little girl.
No sense in you acting all...
(GROANING)
I think she loosened a crown.
Wait. Now hold it. There's no need for
violence. We just wanna talk.
(STAMMERING)
Now, look here, lady. We're gentlemen.
We don't hit women... Ow!
Now, all we wanna know
is where Landry is.
Fuck you!
- All right.
- Let go of me! I can't breathe!
Not till you tell me where Landry is.
Buckhead...
(GASPING)
- Where is he?
- He works at Buckheads.
It's... (GASPING)
It's a... barbecue place
just outside of town.
He'll be there tomorrow morning.
Now get the fuck outta here!
So soon?
I thought we had a beautiful connection.
Aside from your foot in my kidney.
Goddamn. You see any internal bleeding?
Damn.
What's up, buddy?
So happy I ran into you here, man.
- Listen, Kyle, I...
- Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen, I'm gonna need, like,
20 bucks or so for some snacks.
(SIGHS) I, uh... I don't have that.
- Oh, I think you do, money ball.
- No, not really. I would.
Hand it over...
before I beat you senseless.
Yeah. All right.
Why don't you get a job?
Who the hell are you?
Friends of Ronald.
If I'm not mistaken,
they're hiring here.
KYLE: You've gotta be kidding me.
You got your grandpa in here
to protect you?
Don't you two got some early
bird buffet to hit up?
Yeah, if I were you two,
I'd back the hell up right now before I...
- Kyle!
- What?
(LOW VOICE) It's the Bad Asses.
KYLE: What?
Bad Asses. From the bank.
Oh, snap, it is.
Wow! Whoa, we are huge fans.
- Kyle.
- Dad.
- What's goin' on here?
- Nothin'.
Just havin' a conversation with Ronny and
the Bad Asses. You know who these guys are?
Yeah, we've met. Gentlemen.
Mom wants us home for dinner before 6:00,
so we gotta get a move on.
Okay. We're all cool.
Good evening.
EARL: I appreciate what y'all did...
but I can't have you interfering
in my son's business.
I'm trying to steer him away
from violence and threats...
and instead use diplomacy...
as a tool to confront conflict, hmm?
- How's that diplomacy workin' out for you?
- Just fine.
No offense, gentlemen...
but I am not a fan of your tactics.
I think there's better ways
to solve problems.
Explain to me, Earl.
How do you go from bein' in the Marines
to bein' a pacifist?
After you've seen what I've seen...
you never wanna be involved
with violence again.
(WHEELCHAIR APPROACHES)
- Geoffrey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Hey, son.
I can't believe this is even happening.
Now, we got it covered, Geoff.
I can't stop thinking
about what they're doing to her right now.
Calm down, son. Take it easy.
Why don't you try to get some sleep?
You think I can sleep
at a time like this?
- (CLATTERING IN DISTANCE)
- (DOG BARKING)
Hey, what was that?
Hey, you'll have to excuse me.
I think I just knocked over
one of Mr. Morgan's planters on the way in.
For some reason,
he's got it out for you two.
You boys need to just
stay away from this case.
I have a problem stayin' away from somethin'
I know nobody's doin' anything about.
Who said nobody's doin' anything
about this case? Huh?
I can assure you we are doin' everything we
can, and we'll get Carmen back.
That's bullshit, man.
Excuse me?
People above you are makin' a mockery
of your justice system.
Look, Mr. Vega...
I am all for what you two are about.
But my advice
is just to leave this alone...
and let us do our job, okay?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES, BUZZING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure. Come on in.
Sit down.
(EXHALES) I just wanted to thank you
for helping me out.
It was nothin'.
They just needed
a little straightening out.
I want you to have this.
This was my father's.
He carried it around with him
during the war.
It's pure titanium. This saved his life.
Look, you can even see the bullet mark.
Ronald, it's beautiful,
but I can't keep this.
Please.
I want you to have it.
Thank you.
Can I... ask you a question, Frank?
Yeah.
Did you always have it in you to...
be a hero?
I don't know.
I'm just... wondering...
if it's something you just have...
or you don't.
You've got it in you.
You just gotta be true to yourself...
and keep doing the right thing.
BERNIE: All right, now.
Cut out that Little House on the Prairie
shit and get the hell to sleep.
Shit.
(SNORING)
(SQUISHING)
(GRUNTING)
I can't tell you how many times she accidentally
rubbed her elbow against my nuts.
That's what they call
good ol' Southern hospitality.
Okay, now.
(GASPS)
I promise, if I get out of this
I'm going to Jenny Craig.
Password. Password.
"Long beard."
"Moonshine."
You need a little bit more black pepper in
there, and then you got something.
- Okay.
- What do we got here?
That's not bad. Needs a touch more paprika
in that rub though.
Thank you.
What the hell'd
you put in this, coullion?
Who the hell you calling
"coullion," coullion?
- Who the hell is you?
- Where's Carmen?
Hold on!
You didn't answer my friend's question.
Where's Carmen?
"I married my cousin."
Damn!
(RINGING)
Hello, 1988.
(GRUNTING)
All right, cochons, who gonna die first?
(GROANS)
Come on. Come on, come on.
- Where is she?
- You go to hell!
(FAX LINE SQUAWKING)
- Jawn, you in there?
- (BANGING)
(GROANS)
Okay. Now, where is she?
You go to hell, salope!
FRANK: All right!
- (SCREAMING)
- (SIZZLING)
- (GASPING, WHIMPERING)
- Okay, now where's Carmen?
- Fuck you!
- Okay.
No, no, no, no! No! No!
Okay! I'll tell you!
I'll tell you! I'll tell you!
She's over at the compound
in Greenwell Springs!
You're gonna give me
the address and your car keys.
Just take 'em! (GROANING)
MAN: I'll check her room!
Do you mind,
you Peeping Tom motherfucker?
- This here door wouldn't...
- Just back that ass up outta here.
(EXHALES)
Get me Harris.
FEMALE VOICE:
Please enter your destination.
I guess fat guys with big beards
also have nice trucks. (LAUGHS)
I don't know how to get back.
What?
I pressed in the wrong address...
and I don't know how to
go back and delete it.
- Try pressing "delete."
- Where's "delete"?
(SIGHS) On the keyboard.
(SIREN WAILING)
There, no need. We've got some help.
(WAILING CONTINUES)
(PA SPEAKER: HONKING)
Whew. Hey.
Thank goodness, fellas.
We had no idea where we were going.
Freeze and put your hands
over your head!
- Hold on. What's going on...
- Shut your mouth and put your hands in the air!
Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you fellas out here...
in the middle of nowhere.
I gotta tell you...
it ain't the safest place
for out-of-towners like you.
You lowlife son of a bitch.
- (GROANS)
- Try.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(GRUNTING)
What happened?
Turns out they weren't willing
to help with directions.
(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)
Well, rise and shine, Mr. Vega.
Where you taking us?
It's a surprise.
But I can tell you this much...
The view is something special.
(LAUGHING)
I been goin' on and on, tryin' to get you
boys not to get involved...
but you wouldn't listen.
Now... it's time to pay the price.
Look, homey...
we're gonna give you
one last chance to redeem yourself.
Yeah.
You let us go, and we won't kill you
when this is all over.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
What you been smokin', brah?
The jig is up.
Y'all lose.
You're never gonna get away with it.
I'm the police chief.
I'm the shit around here.
Here we go, gentlemen.
I'm about to find y'all
a nice little piece of private swampland...
to drop y'all into.
I wish you two a bon voyage.
(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)
C'est la vie.
(RINGING)
- Hello?
- MAN: Reynolds Oil Refinery.
East gate. 6:00.
Your wife brings the money. Alone.
We see anyone else there,
your daughter dies.
Now hang on one second.
- (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE)
- Hello?
Hello!
Uh, excuse me.
I'm lookin' for Chief Broussard.
He said he'd be back in 20 minutes.
I'll wait.
Any of you boys wanna play canasta?
We... We could use a third.
I don't know how the hell
we gon' get outta this.
It don't look like they're
passing out any parachutes.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah...
(GASPING, GROANING)
(SHOUTS) Son of a bitch!
- (GROANS LOUDLY)
- Bernie, you all right?
- This is real bad!
- He needs some help, man!
(GROANING CONTINUES)
He had a liver transplant
and his body's rejecting it!
If we don't hold him down,
he'll choke on his tongue!
(GROANS) Son of a...
- Come on now! We need some help!
- (GROANING CONTINUES)
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)
Night-night, homey.
Well, that's great.
You know how to fly one of these things?
FRANK: Come on. I've seen Top Gun
a hundred times.
We need to figure out
how we gonna land this baby.
See if there's an instruction manual
in the glove compartment.
Glove compartment? Mexican, this ain't
your daddy's Eldorado! Shit!
You know what?
This looks like somethin'.
Hey, hey! Jesus Christ, Vega! You just can't
start blindly pulling on shit!
(CHUCKLING)
Goddamn! (LAUGHS)
- My boy knows how to fly a plane!
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay, now. I think we need
to slow it up a bit. Okay?
That's the part I'm not too sure about.
- That shit ain't workin', man!
- I'm trying everything!
Try harder! That shit ain't working!
- (BOTH YELLING)
- BERNIE: Slow down!
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
BOTH: Oh, crap!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
No wonder your ass is taking the bus.
You can't drive anything worth shit!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines.
There's no reception.
- Where the hell you going?
- I'm going to get help.
Out in the middle of nowhere?
We're probably 50 miles away
from anything, man. I ain't walking.
- Well, then stay here.
- You kidding?
What about all these damn gators and
werewolves and all that shit?
All right, hold on.
(SIGHS) Bernie, look, I ain't
got time for this shit.
Now you're either coming or staying.
But you can't have it both ways.
(RUSTLING)
What the hell is that?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(HORNS HONKING)
Damn.
Don't matter if you're in LA
or Baton Rouge.
Everybody has goddamn rush hour traffic.
What the hell are we supposed to do now?
Use the shoulder, homey.
Security's tighter
than the Ugandan Consulate.
How the hell are we gon' get in?
Why you always gotta be
sweating everything? We got this.
Yeah.
What the hell you boys
think you're doin'?
Uh, lost a contact lens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
Ah! Here it is.
(LAUGHING) Found it.
- Oh, good.
- You got that?
Uh-huh. Got it.
- Yeah.
- I guess we'll be going.
Freeze, assholes.
I know you.
You're those two old fuckers.
- Yeah.
- That's us.
Oh, shit!
Man, you old geezers are bad-ass!
- Thanks, man.
- Appreciate that.
- Yeah.
- We all real big fans.
(CHUCKLING) All right.
Unfortunately,
I'm still gonna have to kill y'all.
- Excuse me?
- What?
You boys been trespassing.
Trespassing's grounds for shooting.
Now look, there's no reason
to shoot two old guys.
Sorry, brahs. Just doing my job.
(RIFLE COCKS)
(GROANS)
Lights out, ho.
What about diplomacy, Earl?
Screw diplomacy.
Now let's go get my daughter.
Any ideas?
That one.
(CHUCKLING)
(LOUD CLANK)
How the hell we supposed
to know where she is?
Something tells me we've found her.
Any suggestions?
- Not one.
- (SIGHS)
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (MEN GROANING)
MAN: (IN DISTANCE) Get down there!
Let's go.
- Damn, Earl.
- (GUNSHOT)
Well, hell, it's about damn time.
You know how he likes
to make an entrance.
Daddy! What are you doin' here?
What do you think? You okay?
Okay, we gotta get outta here. Now!
You're gonna need this.
Let's go get those motherfuckers.
MAN: (RAPPING) In time of war
My front line
I'm in fatigues
Let 'em know that it's go time
Never fall back
Don't fall behind
Never be blind
Read between the lines
Never testify
Never suicide
Never dislike
Never show your cries
100 by here
Do it on the fly
We ain't perfect either,
but Lord knows we try
Take actions, reactions
Ain't no right
Gotta come out blazin'
in the heat of the night
Be ready to ball
or be ready to fall
You be best careful
what you askin' for
When it rains, it pours
Kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues
'cause we ready for war
If you ain't ready for war
you won't be ready for more
You best be careful
what you asking for
When it rains, it pours
Kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues
'cause I'm ready for war
And then the nation
drawin' forces like a congregation
Ain't no way you're holding back
to the day you make it
Always gotta try and prove yourself
Demonstration
Try to cut 'em up real quick
like a Haitian
Show no fear here when
it comes to complications
Shit!
(MEN GROANING)
Take that, bitches!
- (CHUCKLES)
- Very impressive.
- (HAMMER COCKS)
- Drop your weapons.
Drop your weapons!
Geoffrey, what the hell are you doin'?
I know this is all quite confusing.
But the truth of the matter is...
the plan got derailed a bit
by your boys here.
Geoffrey,
if this is your way of eloping...
you should've came clean
before my daddy started signing checks.
Can't get a deposit back now.
I always loved your sense of humor.
Hey!
Put the gun down.
I'm not going to hurt her...
unless somebody tries to play hero.
Now, move into the other room.
Now!
You too, lovey. Off you go.
Who are you?
(GRUNTS)
You had no intentions
of marrying her, did you?
It's not that she's not
a wonderful young lady.
And if the circumstances
were different, who knows?
But this is a business opportunity...
that my cousin and I couldn't pass up.
Your cousin? As in the police chief?
Yes.
You would be correct, Mr. Vega.
Pretty sharp you are.
Just leave my daughter with us.
I'll see that you get your money.
Oh, I wish I could
take you up on it, Earl...
but for some reason I don't believe you.
In addition, we've got big plans for Carmen
to help us get out of the country.
You son of a bitch!
Calm down, Earl.
We're gonna get you.
I highly doubt that, Mr. Vega.
(GRUNTING)
You see, this is
the end of the line for you lads.
(LAUGHING)
With that, I must wish you
a heartfelt good-bye.
Lucas!
Come on, lovey. Off we go, lovey.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, shit.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(ALL COUGHING)
Looks like we gon' have some barbecue
tonight. I hope they like dark meat.
It's too tight. They're too tight.
Come on, my man. You gotta have somethin'
in that fanny pack of yours.
My hands are tied.
We're screwed, fellas.
No way out of this one.
(COUGHING CONTINUES)
"Hey, come on. Let's go to Louisiana."
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
"A little vacation,
get away from it all."
- Oh, now it's all my fault?
- You bet your ass it's your fault.
Can't you ever
take responsibility for anything?
Yeah. If you hadn't pushed us
out here, I wouldn't have...
EARL: Enough!
Can't a man even die in peace?
(COUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
I'm sorry, man.
No. (CHUCKLES)
It was a good ride.
(CHUCKLES) It was, huh?
Yeah. (COUGHING)
(WHEEZING)
(GASPS)
Hey, do you guys need a lift?
It's Ronny! What the hell?
Get in the truck! Get in the truck!
- (COUGHING CONTINUES)
- (GASPING)
Come on, go!
You saved our lives! My white baby boy!
You saved our lives!
How did you know we were here?
I didn't. I hid in the back of the car.
And that gives us exactly 22 minutes to make
it to that Reynolds Oil Refinery...
before Mom makes the exchange.
- Twenty-two minutes?
- You got it.
- That place is 45 minutes away.
- Then you'd better step on it.
They're gonna have
a whole damn army with them.
We're gon' need some help, man.
Ronald, give me your cell phone.
(BOAT HORN BLOWING)
Geoffrey?
Hello, Lois.
I know this isn't what you expected...
but if you'd just hand over the money...
I'll get you Carmen.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
You scum-sucking pig.
Hand over the money.
You go screw yourself.
(LAUGHING)
I admire your courage...
but it's not worth it.
Not giving you nothing
till you hand her over.
Suit yourself.
- (GASPS)
- (HORN HONKING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
Let's kick some geriatric ass!
LOIS: Oh! Earl!
Come on. Get out of the car.
Earl! (SOBBING) Earl, are you all right?
Yeah. You done real good, baby.
(EARL KISSES)
Whoo! Look at this!
Baby boy to the rescue!
I'm so happy to see you!
Ohh!
FRANK:
Damn cops are late even in Louisiana.
Hands in the air!
Jesus Christ there, Geoffrey.
(GROANING)
How the hell you let this thing get
this far out of hand?
Son of a bitch.
- I believe this belongs to me.
- Hey!
Oww!
Mr. Vega.
You done gone and messed everything up.
And now...
everybody's gonna have to die for it.
Starting with you.
(HAMMER COCKS)
You bad-ass.
Freeze!
(GUNS COCKING)
Drop it, Julius!
Oh, Pete. Now, what you doin' here?
It's over. Drop the gun!
Boy, you done got yourself
into somethin' way above y'all heads.
Now if I was you...
I'd go on, go back home...
take your little boys with you.
Put the gun down, Julius!
Put your hands above your head! Now!
That's not gon' happen, boy!
Best step the hell off...
'cause I'm about to...
(GASPING)
Get the fuck back!
- Get the fuck back!
- Hell no!
(GROANS) Goddamn!
- (GRUNTING, GROANING)
- (GUNSHOT)
(GROANING)
You shot my fanny pack!
(SHOUTING, CHEERING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
- Frank! You okay?
- Yeah.
Goddamn! That fanny pack
saved your life! What?
(LAUGHS) It was Ronald's watch.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- It take a lickin' and keep on tickin'!
Damn, Green Machine!
Is that you or a lead pipe in your pocket?
(GROANS)
Stay down, bitch.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, I guess that's about it.
Oh, come on, boys. You sure you don't wanna
chill out here a few more days?
We'll make it worth your while.
We'd love to, but Bernie's got a doctor's
appointment first thing tomorrow morning.
All right, then.
Bring it on in for the sweet thang.
Oh! (SIGHS)
You have no idea how grateful
I am to the both of you. Thank you so much.
- You're gonna be all right.
- Hell, yeah.
- Who needs another man when I have you two?
- (ALL LAUGHING)
You know, you boys
are welcome here anytime.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You got about five minutes before you hit
the road. Can I borrow you two a moment?
Yeah. All right.
I'm deeply indebted to both of you.
You brought my child back.
Words can never express
how much I appreciate that.
But you gave me somethin' else.
For the first time in 30 years, guys...
30 years...
I feel alive again.
And because of that,
I've found my true purpose.
I wanna bring justice
back to those places...
that have been completely
drained of it...
and I wanna do it with the two of you.
Think of it as three old guys
kickin' ass.
- Sounds like a great idea, Earl, but...
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, Bernie and I...
have other responsibilities.
Oh, Frank, I'm aware of that.
I know you got your community center.
And of course Bernie's got his liquor store.
I'm not asking you to give that up.
Look, I wanna make it
as easy as possible for both you guys.
I will fund the entire operation...
and I will put
the both of you on salary.
That way you won't have to worry about paying
your bills, especially those medical bills.
You serious, man?
As a liver transplant.
So what do you say, guys?
You ready to clean up this country?
(HIP-HOP)
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- (WOMAN, MAN LAUGHING)
Oh, Bernie.
There is more to you than meets the eye.
I must say, I'm intrigued.
As am I, Kate.
As am I.
Excuse me, sir, but you're going to have to
return to your assigned seat.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(R&B)
MAN: Ooh, I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
MAN: (RAPPING) Gotta find a way,
searching for them better days
Even under pressure
I'm ahead of where to fade away
Shining like the lights of Vegas
up in Mandalay
All you got in this life
is your family
LA to Houston
Philly to Brooklyn
Going back and forth
in this game like Ping-Pong
Big Tank boss
I'll get 'em while I'm gooder
See more crack in the slums
than a plumber
Line us with the bread
Slick with the butter
But the streets is hotter
than an Arizona summer
Black, brown minority normally
But we just can't win
against authority
Unless we realize we the majority
And we can change that history
My story, your story
Many stories
Walk through hell
just to get to the glory
- Yeah
- Ooh
MAN: (SINGING)
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
MAN: (RAPPING)
If I had wings I would fly
Blowing cush in a mile
See the judge but never testify
I was tryin' to make it out the ghetto
terrified from the world
So Hollywood Boulevard
It's the same everywhere
no matter who you are
All around the world
poverty strikes the poor
Rich stay rich
Gotta kill it at the core
Need I say more?
Dreams are cut short
News will report
Son slayed on the porch
Drugs import and then they export
The core buys more and
they rarely can afford it
Live check to check
and workin' 9:00 to 5:00
Struggle day in, day out
No lie
Tryin' to do better Lord knows I try
Only way to make it is if I supply
- Damn
- Ooh
MAN: (SINGING)
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape,
but these streets won't let us go
There's got to be a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets won't let us grow
Won't let us grow
(HIP-HOP)
- MAN: (RAPPING) When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Duck and run and hide
Yeah, you better rook for cover
Carry a lethal weapon
and I call it Danny Glover
Its favorite saying is
"blucka-blucka-blucka-blucka"
A bad mother...
No time for any suckas
Fly out from out of town
Oh, yeah, it's goin' down
Travel at the speed of sound
Can you hear me now?
We ain't in LA no more
We up in Baton Rouge
These sucker fish
They ain't got no Blue's Clues
Esperan este for real
They ain't got suficiente
We armed to the teeth
No importa lo que sientes
Automatic spray
No fear in my face
All my soldiers yelling out
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang
Flush 'em out quick just like Drano
Keep doing your thing
It's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off
Call it volcano
We in the bayous know Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they duck hunters
No Toyotas but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool
Now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that how it started?
Dat-dat-dat-dat
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam
Fire like charcoal
We soldiers shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that, when you hear that
- Bang, bang
- When you hear that
- Bang