Battle of Shaker Heights, The (2003) Movie Script
[Birds Twittering]
[Rumbling]
[Howling, Growing Louder]
- [Aircraft Roaring]
- [Shouting]
[Shouting]
- I got it! I got it!
- Lie down! Lie down!
[Speaking In German]
Shh.
Gunter?
Guten Morgen.
[Shouting In German]
Let's just get this over with.
- Just kill me.
- He wants to hear you squeal
like a puppy.
Beg... for...
your life.
Herr Kommandant!
Herr Kommandant!
[Straining]
Get down! Get down!
Get back!
- Nein! Nein! Bitte!
- Now it's your turn to do some begging.
Please!
[Cell Phone Ringing]
- [Ringing Continues]
- [Coughing]
- Mom, this isn't a good time.
- Tell your mother
to pick us up in an hour.
- In an hour you'll still be dead.
- Pick me and dad up in an hour?
- You're not even supposed to have that!
- I'm busy right now.
You're one to talk
about the rules.
Excuse me? Listen.
It's not my fault you guys suck. Okay?
- It's not my fault.
- Good-bye.
- [Explosions]
- [Shouting]
- I got it!
- [Grunting]
- [Bomb Whistles]
- [Whistling Louder]
- [All Noises Stop]
[Man On Megaphone]
That's it for today, folks.
Join us next week for the attack
on the Zigfried line.
Hey, there, death wish.
You got a name?
Bart Bowland.
Bart Bowland.
Name's Kelly Ernswiler.
Nice to meet ya.
Same.
- Whereabouts you live?
- Shaker Heights.
You're from Shaker Heights?
I'm from the same place.
- What street?
- It's outside Shaker...
but I go to Shaker High.
Langely Prep.
You don't go to Langely.
You go to Langely.
Huh. Well, I would've
went to Langely...
if only my polo pony
hadn't died.
[Clears Throat]
Kelly, uh...
I've had three complaints
about you today.
- I mean, you go off script,
you steal a uniform at knife point...
- So?
Well, the brigade's been talking,
and if you don't chill out...
we're gonna follow the regulatory
procedures for an official reprimand.
Ooh. The threat of bureaucracy.
You got me shakin'.
You know, we could all easily
vote to permanently bar you...
- from any further participation...
- He gets it, Dunkin.
[Men Chattering]
- Don't waste your time.
- [Sighs]
- So, is this Willys yours?
- Oh, yeah.
If you're still feeling suicidal, I could
run you over in her, if you want.
- I think the moment's passed.
- All right.
- Can I get a lift, though?
- You want a lift?
dd [Rock]
I don't get it. You go to the battles,
but you don't like the rules?
I mean, I never met a rule
I didn't want to break.
- So, what's the appeal?
- Ladies love a man in uniform, Bart.
My Langely uniform
hasn't done much for me.
It's a theory, you know.
You have to be groovy.
d Drowning in my id d
- d Always searching like it's on junk d
- This is it here.
d No matter who I hang out with d
Of course it is. What would a house be
without a huge iron gate?
d Of the chains that pull the cars up d
d The roller coaster
mountaintops so high d
- [Engine Stops]
- dd [Ends Suddenly]
You have quite a crib.
You should come over sometime.
You can service our lawn mower.
I would, but then I might
soil my croquet whites.
- You understand.
- Yup.
- See ya around.
- All right. I'll see ya next weekend, Bart.
- [Door Slams]
- dd [Humming]
Sergeant Keller,
how was the war?
Did we win?
I'm makin' sandwiches for Care House.
Hey, pull up a chair.
[Woman]
That's really nice. It's coming along.
Son of Eve,
you look very dirty.
Oh, this is nothing.
You should see the other guy.
Don't touch anything. We're getting
ready for the Starving Artist show.
- Can I talk to you, please?
- Nana. The gold has to be more feathery.
Like this. Not gloppy.
Okay? Now you try.
Ma, you know why
we never have food in this house?
- I'm not having that argument again.
- Well, I'll tell you why.
Ming, you remember what we said
about the eyes?
They need to have
a little bit more empathy.
We really need people to feel
like this horse understands them, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- That's why it's our biggest seller.
I'll tell you.
It's because your husband comes in here
and steals food from his own family...
to feed every druggie in Cleveland,
like it's not a problem.
Well, honey, pick up a paintbrush.
We're ordering pizza later.
No. Some people
have to work, Mom.
Can you drop this off
at the cleaners for me?
Oh, sweetie, you know what
we said about paying for the war things.
We don't support that.
[Dishes Clatter]
dd [Muzak]
I don't understand how you can reenact
the Battle of the Bulge...
in 72 degree weather.
Didn't all those guys
freeze to death?
A portable toilet
fell on a couple of guys.
That's disgusting.
- Well, war is hell.
- Then why do you do it?
I feel you're never more alive than
when you're faced with simulated death.
Hmm.
Maybe I should
try it some time.
- You're William James Rowley of the
101 st Airborne, pinned down in Noville.
- Hey!
The Germans have the high ground,
shelling your position heavily.
- You're holed up in a stone barn,
running low on ammo.
- Kelly! Ooh!
- Cries of wounded men fill the air
like cries of hungry babies.
- Ow!
At 1:00 p.m. you lose radio contact
with headquarters. What do you do?
- What do you do? What do you do?
- Kelly, stop it.
Battle of the Bulge, southern shoulder,
December, '44.
I'm sorry I asked.
Hey!
At least I wasn't, you know,
restocking rump roasts.
[Man]
I'd like to remind everybody...
about our upcoming field trip
to the battlefields.
Uh, so far,
only two of you have signed up.
Well, anyway, let's, um,
move on to Gettysburg.
At Gettysburg,
the Union soldiers fought bravely on...
giving their lives so that we may enjoy
the freedoms that we have today.
Bullshit!
[Coughs]
- [Giggling]
- Do you have something to say,
Mr. Ernswiler?
Excuse me?
No.
Seems that you do.
Come on. Isn't your analysis
a tad simplistic?
I mean, maybe for
a second grade history class, fine.
But to characterize the Civil War
as a moral struggle, sir? That's a joke.
Ajoke?
Lance, you're not
helping things.
Dad... Mr. Norway.
- Well, we-we all have our own opinions.
- Opinions? Soldiers were drafted...
and the only ones
who didn't have to fight were the ones
that could pay their way out.
- Yes.
- Why don't you talk about
the Draft Riots?
Huh? Why don't you show slides
of the victims, tortured and murdered...
by the bloodthirsty mob
that was at those Draft Riots.
How can you teach something
that you don't know anything about?
Kelly, we have to stop
meeting like this.
I mean, it's not my fault
the teachers here suck.
Listen. I know that some of the teachers
around here can be pretty trying for you...
but you've got to learn to work
in the system, not against it.
- Why is that?
- Because growing up is
a hard enough process as it is.
Is that what your box
of tissues is for?
I see you're not going to college
next year. What are your plans?
How am I gonna
get through to you?
Advertising executives use status and sex
to appeal to my demographic.
[Bell Ringing]
- [Girls] Ready? Okay!
- Two, 23, hut hut!
- Hey, G.I. Jane. You disrespected my dad.
- Gimme a break.
- I think you need to apologize to him.
- To that chump? No way.
Why are you dicking with me,
you little dick? You wanna play, dick face?
Wait. You just used "dick" as a noun,
adjective and a verb.
- That's pretty impressive.
- Thank you.
Okay, let's see...
- what little Beetle Bailey
keeps in his knapsack...
- [Grunting]
that makes him
so intelligent.
- Yard sale! Crap.
- Stop!
Hey, Private.
Thanks for the hat.
- [Girls Cheering]
- [Boys Grunting]
- [Girls] Woo! Go!
- dd [Rock]
[Man]
Ready? Go! Go! Go!
- d Today is gonna be a beautiful day d
- [Engine Stalling]
No! Come on!
Hotsie, it's me. Please?
Don't do this to me!
d Now I know it's not
a usual thing d
d Don't dare waste your time d
- [Honking]
- [Shouting]
- [Tires Screeching]
- d Don't dare waste your time d
d No more runnin'
from the usual things d
- [Honking]
- Keep moving, asshole.
There's nothing
to see here.
Nice one. They should transfer
you to the Signal Corps.
What happened?
Oh, man.
Where do I start?
[Bart]
I can't do anything about yourJeep...
but I can probably
find you another hat.
Oh. What?
Very impressive, man.
My dad's really
into collecting.
What the hell?
- What's this?
- That's Grant's field flask.
Never went into battle
without it.
You know what? Your dad
should really meet my history teacher.
That guy sent me
up the river today...
for questioning his G-rated
interpretation of the Civil War.
Here. Take this.
That'll shut him up.
- Stonewall Jackson's.
- What?
My dad's got so much junk
crammed in here he doesn't even notice
when it's missing.
Before this it was
antique duck decoys.
Ah, here it is.
[Clears Throat]
I think it was
Montgomery's.
- It's yours now.
- You're serious?
- Yeah.
- [Man] Bart? Bart?
- Hey, Dad. I was just, um...
- Hmm.
showing Kelly
some of your pieces.
- He's really into this stuff.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Is-Is that a field stool
from the New York Third?
- My great-great-grandfather
was in the New York Third.
- That's amazing.
Kelly.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
- Knowledgeable young man.
- That's right.
You know, I used to share
your fascination for all things military.
Yeah, I can see.
Lately, though, I've been exploring a
somewhat lighter side of human culture.
Come on.
Um, I know I don't have to tell you,
but put everything back as you found it.
The origin of nesting dolls
is shrouded in mystery.
Some say the oldest
are from China.
Still others say Japan.
I don't have any of those,
but the ones I do have are from Russia...
and the Russians perfected
the art of nesting dolls.
This particular one here,
this is the crown jewel of my collection.
It has 13 levels...
going all the way down
to the teeny tiniest...
the baby, Ruby.
Ruby. Huh.
Yeah. It's silly. I call her Ruby, because
if you look closely at her two little eyes...
they look like rubies.
My little Ruby baby.
Whoa!
Oh, good God.
We should have just taken the damn hat.
We'll get you one.
Ah. I got...
I have to get a flashlight.
- So why'd you let someone take it?
- My hat?
Oh, I didn't let anybody take it.
I just mouthed off to the wrong person.
- Sounds like your mouth
gets you in trouble a lot.
- It does.
Is Mom here?
I need to go over the music with her.
Does it look like Mom's here?
Your mom went shopping.
She'll be back in about an hour.
- Tabby, have you met
Bart's new friend, Kelly?
- Hi.
- [Mutters]
- Whatever you do,
do not give him any money.
- Hey, shut up.
- Hey, you shut up.
He's wanted in three states.
That's funny. We're paying attention
to you now. Ya happy?
I'm really happy.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
Will you tell me when Miner gets here?
Thank you.
- Who's Miner?
- Fianc.
Aha! Ruby.
[Girl] You know that frozen food lady
came in today with her kids.
- Oh, yeah?
- They must eat out of
those cardboard trays every day.
I think one of her kids
even looks like a piece of cardboard.
You know we have more flavors
of cat food here than we do baby food?
- Really?
- Yeah.
What do you think
that says about our culture?
I don't know what it says.
What do you think?
Mmm, I think working here
is very depressing.
Then you should quit.
You could get any job you wanted to.
- You think so?
- Heck, yeah.
Come on. You're smart,
you got a good eye...
- and you do the best promo stuff
in the store.
- Well.
The thing you do
with juice boxes...
- It was genius.
- Thanks.
What are you gonna do?
Enlist?
In the army?
- And lose this? No way! Are you crazy?
- Hello? Hello?
- No way. Nuh-uh.
- Not happening.
- Hello?
If the store is closed, it shouldn't have
a sign that says, "24 hours."
- Okay. I'll be right there.
- I don't wanna be here
when my coupons expire.
Okay.
dd [Rock]
Mornin', Private Ryan.
Like my new hat?
Yeah, actually. I got one just like it.
It's just mine's infested with lice.
Really? You're just
a regular Carrot Top, aren't you?
- [Grunts]
- [Chuckling]
Oh, my God.
One day, me and you
are gonna be alone.
- Won't that be nice?
- Too bad my mom won't let me date yet.
That's a good one, buddy.
Ya got dental insurance?
- Why do you mess with him?
- You're right.
- I should give him a break.
- I mean it.
[Man]
The Allies launched a counter-offensive
two days before the new year.
Kelly, you're home.
Thank goodness.
Move. I need you to go
to the art supply store for me.
I'm not goin'.
Get Abe to do it.
Abe was going... He had to lead
a meeting at Care House.
- What do you need?
- I phoned in the order.
- Is it a big order?
- No. Thank you.
It better not be
a big order.
- [Cash Register Beeping]
- [Woman] Is that it? That one?
- [Woman #2] Yeah, yeah. Third row.
- Thank you.
- [Tabby] Kelly, right?
- Hi.
Uh, so they're having
a glitter sale, it looks like.
- What happened to you?
- What happened... Oh. My eye.
I had a tennis injury
a while back. No big thing.
- So, you paint?
- Oh, yeah. You know.
That's a weird
question to ask.
- How so?
- I don't feel comfortable
calling anything done...
since the Renaissance
"painting."
We might have more experimental
interaction with the picture plane...
but as far as skills go,
we're suffering a great deal.
Okay.
So, I got a question.
- I see you're working with acrylics?
- Mm-hmm?
Why? Isn't oil much richer?
- Oh, not another oil snob.
- I'm not an oil snob, it's just,
isn't acrylic a bit jejune?
- Jejune?
- Yeah, it means...
I know what it means.
- How old are you, anyway?
- Older than my years.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And... you paint?
- Well, my mom's an artist,
so I kind of pick...
- Oh, that explains it.
- That explains... What does that explain?
W-W-Wait. Doesn't anybody believe
in innate knowledge anymore?
You know, Michelangelo was 15
when he painted the, uh, f..."farnas."
- Infanta.
- "Fanta." That's what I meant.
Actually, Infantas are Spanish.
Michelangelo was Italian.
Spanish, yeah. Well, uh, exactly.
You know.
- One world, one people,
just like Jesse Jackson envisioned.
- [Phone Ringing]
- Smart guy.
- Hi, sweetie.
I'm just running errands
right now.
I should be home
in about an hour.
- See ya later.
- All right.
What the hell did I just say?
What the hell did I just say?
Jesse Jackson.
Dad?
Dad?
- Dad, get up.
- Aaah!
Sorry.
- Hey, Pop.
- Keller.
You know,
a funny thing just happened to me.
I thought you were
dead on the couch.
Oh, you mean Emmett. They didn't have
any empty beds at Care House.
- Emmett?
- Uh-huh.
So you bring him
to our house?
Why don't you ever think about... Maybe
he might be dangerous to me and Mom.
- Hmm? Or steal all of our furniture?
- He needed a place to sleep.
Well, havin' him here makes it
feel more like home, anyway.
Hey, I've been straight
for five years, almost six.
That's a third of your life.
Big deal.
I've been straight the whole time.
[Man]
That there's actual sand from Iwo Jima.
- Or your sister's fish tank.
- Well, it don't come with no
certificate of authenticity...
Actually, I'm in the market
for an Airborne cap for my friend here.
- I got one. Can't sell it to ya, though.
- Sure?
- It has a lot of sentimental value.
- Yeah? How much?
A lot.
What's this?
General Ulysses S. Grant's
field flask, my friend.
And if that's the collected
works of Baudelaire...
throw it in.
We'll call it even.
Listen, Bart.
I don't need it that bad.
No worries.
You got it all wrong.
War is just failed diplomacy.
If you hate it so much,
why do you keep going to the battles?
Mmm.
It looks good
on college applications.
- You goin' to college?
- I got no choice.
- Mmm.
- What happened to your face?
Oh.
- Remember that guy, Lance,
I told you about?
- Same guy?
He's one pissed-off
little munchkin.
What are you gonna do about it?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
What do you mean, "nothing"?
On the battlefield, you were running
around like Rambo on steroids.
That's different.
I mean, that's just playin' around.
So? Haven't you ever heard of
the 193rd Special Operations Wing?
- Never.
- Wanna get this guy?
- [Bart] Target?
- [Kelly] Lance Norway.
- Objective?
- Humiliation...
rage, despair.
Easy enough. 'Nam's probably
our go-to war for that sort of thing.
I got the declassified briefs from
the Phoenix Project around here.
I knew my dad's crap
would come in handy.
Hey, guys. I've got some
stretcher bars out in my car.
- Do you think one of you
could help me bring 'em in?
- Of course.
We'll drop what we're doing,
because what you're doing
must be more important.
- It is.
- Sure.
- I mean, I'll help.
- Thanks.
- What is your...
- I'll find those reports!
Perfect. Thanks.
It's the waterfront.
No, as a viewer,
I get to decide what it is...
and it doesn't look anything like
a waterfront to me.
It's the light.
I was playing with diffusion.
Put it away when you're
done with it, all right?
Very funny.
This is really nice, though.
Must be nice to have a place
like this to get away to, huh?
Yeah, it is.
It's great.
So, what about Farmer?
- Farmer?
- Yeah, the boyfriend.
- Miner?
- Miner. I'm sorry. Miner. Okay.
Well, w-w-what about h...
Is he an artist too?
So, you said your mom
was a painter?
Ah, she used to be.
She still is, I guess.
She had to turn it into a business,
'cause my dad stopped working.
We got this family of Chinese immigrants
living in the house making them for her.
Kinda like Andy Warhol's factory?
Not his factory. More like...
More like Andy Warhol's tool shed.
It's nice, though.
I'm not dissing it.
- I used to have my playpen
in her studio.
- Huh.
So, why'd your dad
stop working?
He's a VH 1 documentary
without the music.
Damn it, Kelly.
I can't plan your revenge by myself.
- Come on!
- Have fun, boys.
Ha! Fun. If only war were fun.
War is deadly serious, ma'am.
You know, I'm kinda worried about you
playing with diffusion unsupervised.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
I might have to come by and show you
some proper safety procedures.
I don't think I have room
in here for a playpen.
[Kelly] Hey, Sarah! Wait up. Wait up.
Do you have the math homework?
- [Sarah] Why? So you can cheat?
- Well, yeah. Can I?
No, but I'll tell you what.
I have an extra ticket
to Aerosmith on Friday night.
Is that gonna be loud?
Yeah. It's gonna be loud.
It's music.
Yeah.
It might be really good for you to get out,
mingle with some normal people.
Something could rub off on you,
I hope.
Well, we'll talk about it
on the night shift. Yes? Okay.
[Bart] Citizens, this is the emergency
broadcast notification system.
This is not a test of the system.
This is an actual notif... Damn.
- That was pretty good, except the end.
- Nah.
Don't you love being a minor? There's no
consequences for illegal activities...
you're not responsible
if the economy goes bad.
No drinking, no credit,
no freedom.
- At least not at my house.
- You talk about it, but I never see.
My parents do their best work
without an audience.
Oh, yeah?
- Like what?
- Do you think I picked Dartmouth?
- You didn't pick it?
- No.
- What about Tabby?
- Tabby, she got to go where she wanted.
Sarah Lawrence, six years.
She's goin' to grad school, though: Yale.
She goes to Yale? Wow.
I didn't think people went to Yale.
Well...
she drives off in her car
in September...
but for all we know, she pulls over
in Albany and sleeps there until May.
What do you mean?
Joke.
[Makes Nasal Noise]
- That was a joke?
That's what they sound like?
- Yeah.
- For some reason,
I always thought they'd be funnier.
- Well.
- Wait. Isn't Sarah Lawrence
a school for lesbians?
- [Sighs]
How's their football team?
[Woman]
Vermont.
Oh, remember the Milbet's place
in Lake Champlain, darling?
[Mr. Bowland] And what was that
wonderful cheese that we had there?
- Gouda.
- Yes, Gouda.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Gouda.
Anyway, the great thing
about Middlebury is that
the French department is awesome.
French. What are you gonna do
with that? Write poetry?
You know, they predict
China is going to be the largest market
of the 21 st century.
Maybe I should take
Chinese, then.
Mandarin is the most spoken dialect,
but the Chinese speak
hundreds of distinct languages.
Speaking of which, Tabby,
honey, have you finished
the seating arrangement yet?
Mom, can we just talk about
something else for once?
Well, darling, we have to take the list
to the calligrapher.
Mmm. Tabby?
Well, you know, uh...
speaking of calligraphy
and the Chinese...
the...
the Chinese peoples
invented calligraphy.
They did.
But I tend to stray away
from saying "invent" too often...
just because it reinforces
patriarchal stereotypes...
as we all know.
Exactly. Men invent,
women give birth.
Although, women
invented babies.
Right, but babies
gave birth to man.
[All Chuckling]
What an unusual conversation.
Do you have discussions like this
at home with your family, Kelly?
My family, uh, they're similar.
A little different.
He does know how
to talk about art.
- Do you?
- You do?
My mother's kind of an artist, so I
pick up very quickly on that kind of stuff.
Oh, you come from
a creative family, do you?
I do.
Well, I wish I could get my boys
to talk to me about any of my passions.
Just try to get them
near the subject of my garden.
- Oh.
- Speaking of, Mrs. Bowland...
I saw your magnolias.
Very fine specimens.
- Oh, thank you.
They are fine, aren't they?
- They're gorgeous.
I just think that flowers are so... sen...
Sensual?
[Kelly]
Yeah. It looks empty.
Lance must be out torturing
puppies or something.
Lemme see.
So, you have a thing
for my sister?
- What? No.
- Everybody does.
I don't.
Bart, I don't.
All right. The coast is clear.
Let's get a closer look.
Come on.
Tabby and I just have
a few things in common.
Oh, really?
Like what?
Like what? I can't tell you about that.
It's my feminine side.
You don't wear
women's clothes, do you?
Hey. Feeling pretty's
not a crime. All right?
Whatever.
Bart. Bart, why?
- What? Bart. Bart!
- [Bart Grunting]
Bart!
Bart!
Can I help you, young man?
- Uh, what? What?
- Kelly?
Mr. Norway!
I was looking for my "merlnds".
Your what?
I had a box of purple "kiffnits". My
friends threw it over. Little purple box?
- Pardon?
- You haven't seen it?
Yeah, I'm coming!
Will you excuse me for a second?
[Whispering]
Bart!
Shit.
[Softer]
Bart!
[Car Alarm Beeps]
- Are you crazy?
- Yes, but now we know the layout
of the entire house. Come on!
[Bart, Slurring]
Dunkin said he'd get...
- like, 10 guys to help us out.
- [Kelly] Cool, cool.
And one of them's gonna
videotape the whole thing.
And I'll tell ya something, Bart.
Once we get that tape played
on the school TV station...
it's gonna be all over but the shoutin',
you know what I mean?
Only a few more days till the field trip
and Operation Mincemeat.
- [Coughing] To Mincemeat.
- To enemies!
To enemies too.
Oh, man.
[Blowing Air, Sucking]
You know what's funny?
It's funny. It's like everything was good
for a while, you know?
Everything was fine.
And then, uh...
I got angry, you know.
At my dad, mostly.
And then I just started... I started saying
whatever popped into my head...
and now I can't stop.
Know what I mean?
Bart?
[Muttering]
dd [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]
Hey!
I warned ya I'd come.
- All right. I'm gonna go, then.
- What do you want?
Um, inspiration.
I had this idea for a painting. Thought
maybe I could come in here and paint it.
Okay. You can grab
a canvass in the corner.
There's paintbrushes
in thejar.
- Paint's on the shelves.
- Okay.
[Rattling]
- Oh, I don't have much time.
- Am I messing up your concentration,
me being here?
No, it's fine.
So, um,
when's your wedding happening?
Ah, next week.
I'd rather not
talk about it.
Why? Something wrong?
No.
What are you painting?
[Sighs]
What am I painting?
Really, there's just so many layers
of imaginistic symbolism here...
that I wouldn't feel comfortable
summing it all up.
All right.
It's this reoccurring dream I have
of a mermaid riding a rocket ship.
A rocket ship. How?
Well, she's riding it sidesaddle.
She's a mermaid.
She's got a fishtail, for Chrissake.
Okay.
The most important thing,
of course, though...
is empathy.
Just 'cause you want the viewer to feel
like the mermaid understands them.
You know.
Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?
Does it matter?
Sometimes people say
what they really think.
Okay, smarty. Well, what if people
don't know what they really think?
Doesn't matter.
You just be yourself.
That sounds boring to me.
No, it's not boring.
It's scary...
and wonderful and exciting.
- Really? What's so exciting
about being yourself...
- [Man] Hey!
- [Tabby] Hi!
- There you are.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Miner Webber.
- Webber Miner.
- [Tabby] Kelly.
This is Kelly.
Kelly Ernswiler.
It's a pleasure.
Uh, so, what have we got,
a little painting class goin' on here?
He's one
of Bart's friends.
- He paints.
- That's great. Listen, if we're
gonna be on time for dinner...
- we gotta get going.
- Okay. I'm gonna grab my coat.
All right.
- So you paint, huh?
- Yeah, you know, just started.
Right.
So what do you do in your spare time?
You a hobby man?
[Chuckles]
You're still in high school?
Yeah, I am.
But I also moonlight as a stock boy
over at the Shop-Ease...
and President Don Kaminski
says ever employee's part-owner.
So I guess you can say
I'm a captain of industry... in training.
Sort of, um, a capitalist larva.
Wow. That's... quite an image.
Only if you see the most magical part.
Do you see it?
No. What is it?
One day, I'm gonna be
a beautiful butterfly. Right?
But first, I have to be a pupa.
And pupas don't really go out much, so I
don't think I'm gonna be going out much.
Pupa...
the awkward adolescence
of the insect world.
- All set!
- Uh, about time. Let's go.
- Kelly, if you want, you can...
- Yeah, no thanks. I gotta go to work.
- You know what this is right here?
- What?
Eighteen volts
of pure freedom.
Have you been in
the cough syrup aisle again?
Perhaps.
Hey, have you thought
any more about that concert?
Um, yeah. Sarah, I don't
really think that's a good idea.
Why not?
It's kind of a date,
isn't it?
Um, I don't know.
'Cause if it is,
I'm not gonna be able to go...
'cause I'm kind of
seeing somebody at the moment.
- You're seeing somebody?
- I'm not...
I'm not seeing her, but, uh...
we're about to see...
I'm about to see her.
Yeah, well, who... I mean,
if you don't mind me asking... who is she?
Shhoo... She's, uh...
You don't know her.
She's not, you know, somebody you know.
Is she a mail-order bride
or something?
[Sighs]
[Beeping]
[Crashes]
Okay, that's good.
You're on the right track.
Hey, numb-nut.
Trying to do a project.
Why don't you pull a little weight?
Oh, I think you can color
inside the lines by yourself. Don't you?
You know, I think so, but actually,
I forgot my nontoxic crayons.
So, why don't you do it
for me, diaper-baby?
[Laughs]
[Cackles]
[Bart] My dad has this friend
who's a director...
- He's shooting a documentary
for the History Channel.
- Oh, that's cool.
He needs some guys to reenact a battle
from the Allied defensive for him.
We're gonna be on
the History Channel?
- I haven't asked you yet.
- Well, ask me then.
- Stop. Seriously, put it away.
- Come on. Ask me!
Ask me.
Well, if you want to
next week...
but you have to
take it seriously.
Of course, I will.
I always take it seriously.
From what I've seen, you play fast
and loose with your characterizations.
I'm fast and loose?
You're fast and loose.
I play the emotional truth.
I make it real.
- Like back in the dining room?
- [Cocks Gun] What was that?
"I've noticed your magnolias.
Very fine specimens."
[Scoffs]
That was real?
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
You seem to have your own agenda.
That's all.
Well, Bart,
I do have my own agenda.
What other reason is there
to do anything?
I'm just saying, I know the difference
between fantasy and reality.
Oh, okay. So you're saying that
I don't know the difference?
I don't... I don't know.
You don't know what, Bart? You
don't know if you just said that to me?
It's just... It's just nervous energy
before a big mission.
It's natural.
Right. Nerves.
See you at 0400.
I'll be there at 0400.
And if I don't sell them there, I'll
set up on the corner of Stevenson Lane.
That's a good location.
- Are you listening to me?
- [Sighs]
Did you put more red pepper
in this than usual?
No, it's the same as always.
- Honey, you should eat.
- Nah, I'm not hungry.
[Footsteps Approaching]
- Kelly! You want some dinner?
- I ate.
[Footsteps Departing]
One day, we'll all be happy.
[Laughs]
I won't know what to do with myself.
- [Laughs]
- [Snorts]
- dd [Cartoonish Music On Television]
- [Snoring]
[Beeping]
[Man On Television]
Of Shaker Heights... We're
under attack. I repeat, under attack.
This is not a test or a drill.
This is an actual emergency.
Enemy troops are fanning out,
and we're not sure where
they're coming from yet.
In fact, very little is known
about our invaders at the present time.
What little we know is that
they're ruthless, organized...
and we strongly urge you to stay inside
and do not try to defend yourselves.
These people are easily pissed off
and extremely dangerous.
[Man #2]
That's correct, Bill. We've received word
the police force has been overthrown.
Just the sheer size of
this invasion is staggering.
Also, we've been told by a reliable source
that aggressive action...
- [Helicopter Whirring]
- towards the attackers
will be promptly punished.
- [Man #2] They're everywhere!
- [Bill] Please! Don't risk any action.
[Bill] There's really little that
anyone can do to stop these people.
Get under a table! Cover your heads!
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Screams]
[Man #2]
They're in the building!
- [Gasps]
- Get him!
Bring him down here! Come on!
Carry him outside!
Let go of me!
Let go!
Go! Come on!
- Please!
- Put him down! Right there!
- Where are the purple "kiffnits"?
- What?
- Give us the "merlnds"!
- What?
- Cooperate, or die like a dog!
- Please, don't hurt me.
- Please, don't hurt me.
- [Chuckles]
- You know too much already.
Look, please, I w... I prom...
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
- Your whimpering sickens us.
You die now!
- Please, don't do...
- Now!
- [Whimpers]
[Sobs]
- [Dispatcher, Indistinct]
- [Sobbing Continues]
- Oh, damn.
- Mission accomplished, I'd say.
- Oh, man.
- Can't ask for more than that.
Move out!
Go! Go! Go!
- [Siren Wailing]
- [Whimpering]
[Siren Clicks Off]
- We have to talk.
- Not now. I gotta go to school.
Your father's
in the hospital.
Again? Unbelievable.
Which junkie is it now?
It's him.
[Mr. Norway] They called the western
front the "Sausage Factory."
And not in a...
in a positive sense.
Sure, we-we all like hot dogs...
but this had a decidedly
negative connotation.
Anything to add,
Mr. Ernswiler?
- Uh, no, sir.
- Good.
Now, uh, on to the...
the offensive weaponry.
Um, mustard gas...
[Chuckles, Clears Throat]
So, filming on Saturday.
You excited?
He's got an explosives expert coming.
It's gonna be awesome.
They want you to come
dressed like Wonder Woman. That cool?
What's the matter with you?
Well, he hasn't been to school
in two days.
You know, I'm starting
to worry a little bit.
I'm sure he's fine.
You're sure he's fine?
How are you so sure?
[Clears Throat]
- [Dialing]
- Who you calling?
[Ringing]
- [Mr. Norway] Hello?
- Lance, please.
- Just a minute. Lance!
- Cut the phone... Give me the phone.
- Give me the phone.
- [Lance] I got it, Dad.
See that? He's fine.
Maybe you should think
about something else, like...
what are you gonna do
after graduation?
Well, nice segue.
You sound like your dad.
All right, you can joke,
but he was talking about helping you out.
Wanna go to Dartmouth?
- Are you serious?
- He was. He could pull some strings.
[Sighs] I don't know, man.
I don't know if that'll work for me.
You know. I'm not socially ready for that.
You know what I mean?
Well, tell that to my family.
They're like you're little fan club.
- Even Tabby likes you.
- She say that to you?
- You read it in her diary or somethin'?
- She invited you to the wedding.
But you probably wouldn't
wanna do that, so I'll...
What're you... Weddings?
Bro, I love weddings.
Me and weddings... Right here.
Like this.
In fact, every time I'm at weddings
I usually get wasted
and-and dry hump someone's aunt.
Well, good. I'll, uh,
call my mom's aunt, Maureen...
and, uh, tell her to expect
a little action.
Maureen, huh? Pretty name.
Yeah. A little advice, though...
Don't look right at the goiter. It's... Mmm.
Tabby?
So you invited me
to your wedding?
There isn't going to be
a wedding.
Wh-Why? What happened?
Miner kissed this woman
he works with.
[Sighs]
Honestly, I didn't think you guys
were right for each other anyway.
You didn't, huh?
[Sniffles]
Like-Like this painting,
for instance.
You see this painting?
If you were to stare at this for too long,
you wouldn't know what it was.
But for somebody who just
comes in and sees it, they know
exactly what it is. You know?
I don't need any bullshit
right now.
Couldn't understand you, Tabby.
I'm not as complicated
as you think.
Well, I didn't...
I didn't say you were complicated.
I'm really sorry, Tabby.
Come on. Don't cry.
- [Sobs]
- No, don't cry.
Please.
Here you go.
[Laughs]
You like me, don't you?
Of course.
No, I mean...
you like me.
[Softly]
Oh.
I think you're amazing.
[Engine Starts]
[Mr. Bowland]
Bart? What are you doing out there?
Mom?
- [People Chattering]
- Some peoples were supposed to
show up and we know... showed up.
- You look perfect.
- You think so?
Yeah, it's been seasoning under my bed
for a little bit. Put a little work into it.
Uh, some of the other boys
are over at craft service.
Okay.
[Sighs Deeply]
The snack table.
Oh, craft service is the snack table.
Okay.
Um, let me show... No...
[Continues, Indistinct]
- Is Bart Bowland here?
- I have no idea. Excuse me.
So, uh, I want a meeting shot
coming down here with whatever you...
[Chattering]
All right, everybody,
we're gonna start positioning.
You, you and you...
I want you over by that tree.
You and all of you guys...
you're up behind the hill.
- All right. Whose Jeep is that?
- That M.G.? She's mine.
Great. We're gonna need to use it.
Can you take it behind the hill?
Sure.
Um, did Bart Bowland
check in yet?
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
We've got enough people.
- Well, he's gonna...
- All right, places, please!
Let's go!
Password!
Where the hell you been?
Nowhere.
It really wasn't smart of you.
They got me driving an old Lippy.
And I'm going to get a crapload
of close-ups. And what are you wearing?
Where's your kit at?
I ought to kill you
right now.
What?
- You had to do it.
- What're you... Do what?
You just... do whatever the hell you want!
And consequences...
they don't matter, do they?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm talking about
your agenda again, Kelly...
which apparently includes
hitting on my sister!
- Okay, picture is up! Roll camera!
- Mark!
What'd you... What'd you think
she was gonna do? Run off with you?
You're a 17-year-old bag boy.
She is a Yale grad student.
Talk about living in
a fucking fantasy world!
Action!
- Cue the Jeep!
- Bart, what do you want me to do?
You want me to be miserable like you?
I can do that. Will it make it any better?
You got it all figured out,
don't you?
- [Woman] Cue theJeep!
- Better than you do, daddy's boy.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Grunts, Growls]
- Hey. Hey!
Cue the Jeep!
- [Men Shouting]
- Get out of the way!
[Groans]
It's cool. We can use it. We'll edit it
together with some newsreel footage.
It'll-It'll be fine.
What?
[Object Hits Something,
Falls To The Ground]
Where have you been?
Listen, Mom, can we
talk about this tomorrow?
Your father's gone downhill.
They have him on dialysis.
Well, that's perfect.
Why would you say
something like that?
I don't know.
It just seems to fit.
"Seems to fit."
Do you understand
what I just said?
- No, Mom. Why don't you say it again?
- [Sighs]
When are you going to
forgive him?
When am I going to
forgive him?
That's quite
a question, Mom.
When am I gonna
forgive him? Hmm.
Uh, I don't know. Maybe when I
forget all the lyrics...
to The Little Mermaid sound track
he'd play every time
he'd take me so he could score.
Maybe when we don't live in
a house that's always for sale.
I don't know. I'll forgive him when I go
to college. That's when I'll forgive him.
I can't go, can I?
'Cause he took the money
out of my college fund
and bought Mexican black tar with it.
And you're asking me to forgive this guy?
No way.
All right. Come with me
to the hospital.
Okay.
- This isn't about you anymore.
- It's never about me.
What is wrong with you?
I'm so sick of you being angry.
- I wanna be angry.
- Mom... Enough.
You will not tell me
what is enough!
You don't know
about anything. You...
I'm talking about
the man I love.
[Door Closes]
Hey, Kelly.
Hey, look, I just... I thought you
should know that I gave my notice, okay?
Kelly?
- Kelly?
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Bowland.
- Bart's not here, honey.
- Actually, I was, uh, going to see Tabby.
Ooh. Uh, well, Tabby's at her final fitting.
Wedding's tomorrow.
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
Damn it!
Goddamn.
Oh...
[Bell Tolling]
- Is everyone in their places?
- Yes.
- And the organist?
- Ready.
Where are the cars?
They'll be here in a few minutes.
Calm down.
[Chuckles]
[Woman]
Hi.
What the hell
are you doing?
- What do you mean? I was invited.
- I uninvited you.
You unin...
It's not your wedding, Bart.
Why are you wearing that?
- Look, I can't let you come in.
- Why not?
Because you know why.
Just go home.
Bart...
Kelly!
What are you doing?
Just listen.
[Exhales]
- This is my wedding day.
- I know what day it is.
I know what day it is.
Where do I fit in
in all this? Huh?
- I thought we really had something.
- You know it wasn't like that.
No, I don't know
it wasn't like that.
What was it?
It was a moment.
A moment?
What the hell is that?
What do you wanna do?
Do you wanna stop the wedding?
No. I don't... l...
Oh, come on. You...
- You shouldn't marry this guy.
- Why?
It's like... You're an artist. Do you know
what I mean? You're an artist.
And he...
He's not into... You know what I mean?
He's, um...
What is he? What does he do?
I still don't know.
He's, like, a corporate,
money-making, money-manager.
It just doesn't add up.
That's the thing.
It doesn't always add up.
[Mr. Bowland Knocking]
Tabby, honey? You coming out?
[Tabby] Kissing you made me feel
something that I needed to.
That's all it was.
I'm getting married right now,
and I would like you to be happy for me.
Okay?
[Mr. Bowland]
Here she comes!
[Man, Distorted]
Here she is!
[Laughing, Cheering]
Kelly. Hey.
We'rejust about to start.
What, are you taking off?
Yeah.
What are you wearing?
I grew out of my old suit.
Oh, yeah? Me too.
Check it out. Rental.
It's funny, you know?
A day like this in a guy's life,
he doesn't even wear his own clothes.
- Yeah.
- It's just another thing that
doesn't feel real, you know?
Especially after everything Tabby and I
have been through. [Chuckles]
[Softly]
No.
It shouldn't feel that way.
You know, today's the most
important day of your life.
No.
No, man.
This is just the beginning.
Everybody screws up a little.
It's what you do afterwards that counts.
You know?
[Bell Tolling]
Gotta go. See ya.
[Bells Chiming]
[Dog Barking]
[Chattering]
[Woman On P.A.]
Dr. Glade to Obstetrics.
[Beeping]
You're lookin' good.
Keller.
[Laughs]
- Out of bed, huh?
- Yeah.
- Feeling better?
- Yeah. Better.
They didn't give you shoes?
No, no.
They're over there.
You, uh...
You wanna watch some TV?
[Dad]
Look at that. They bolted it to the wall.
My reputation precedes me.
[Laughs]
Come on.
So, any, uh...
Any battles this weekend?
A few.
He looks good.
[Groans]
So, you're new here, huh?
You got any hobbies?
Well, that's good.
Thanks for your help.
Really.
- Your whimpering sickens us.
You die now!
- Please, don't do...
- Now!
- [Whimpers]
- [Lance Sobs]
- [Phone Ringing]
[Mr. Bowland On Answering Machine]
If you'd like to leave a message...
- for the Bowlands... or Ruby...
please do so after the beep.
- [Beeps]
[Kelly On Answering Machine]
Uh, hey, Bowlands. [Laughs]
Um, it's Kelly.
Just callin'to say that, um...
I'm really sorry that I made a mess of
the festivities that happened last week.
And, um...
And Bart, uh, you know,
I'm headin'down to the Rat's Nest...
to sell off some of my stuff, so any
chance you wanna catch me there, uh...
that's where I can be caught.
You're gonna make
a killing.
Yep.
d Will we both be happy d
d To stand alone d
- Here.
- Mm-mmm.
- Here.
- Keep it.
Here.
Hold it for me then.
d I'll stop thinking d
d Or we'll be ordinary love dd
- Sounds like you
really made an ass out of yourself.
- I did.
I did, man.
So if you liked this girl Sarah so much,
why didn't you ask her out before?
- [Kelly] 'Cause it was forbidden love.
- [Bart] What?
[Kelly] Well, fraternizing is against the
Shop-Ease code of conduct. You know.
[Bart Laughs] Code of conduct?
Dude, it's a grocery store.
[Kelly] Hey.
Remember, I'm part-owner. All right?
[Bart Laughs]
Can you hold on for a second?
I'm just gonna go...
- Kelly.
- Real quick. Hold on.
- Are you sure?
- Please? Wait up.
One second.
Lance.
I'm unarmed.
What, you lose your pony,
you little, pretty pony boy?
No. No.
I wanted to apologize.
- For what? Your existence?
- No, I wa...
Me and my friends staged
the invasion that... [Laughs]
I'm not laughing 'cause it's funny.
I'm laughing 'cause I'm nervous. We, um...
Well, you know, actually, it never
happened. It was a dream you had.
Well, I'm sorry for the dream.
Okay?
All right.
Fine.
- We're good?
- Almost.
What do you mean,
"almost"?
[Groans, Coughs]
- [Coughing]
- Kelly!
Hey, Kelly. Hey!
[Laughs] Hey.
- [Groans]
- [Laughs]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Ohh.
- I deserved it.
- [Laughs]
Is it gettin' big?
Ah.
Better.
Are you finished now?
No, no. This is just
the beginning. See?
- Because I find that in order
to get where you need to go,
- Hey!
- you gotta cut through
all the other stuff first.
- [Laughs]
- So, you know what I mean, kind of?
- What are you talking about? Wait!
- Here, gimme a piggyback...
- [Sighs]
- Please. Please...
- All right.
All right.
Up!
- Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!
- [Groans, Shouts]
[Talking Continues, Indistinct]
d I can't get through the smoke d
d That's surrounding you d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
d And when you're
seeing things d
d Then your feet
don't touch the ground d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d I can see through the clouds d
d I can walk right through
the walls d
d Hang me off the ceiling d
d But I can't take the fall d
d Should I cross the river d
d When I may get swept away d
d Out there on the water d
d You can still see me wave d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
- d I can't tell which way is down d
- d Which way is d
- d When you're falling d
- d I still d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d Learn to heal d
d Learn to heal d
d I keep seeing all those things d
d Finish the pain d
d My feet don't touch d
d The ground d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
- d Somehow I don't d
- d Hear a sound d
d Do not hear a sound
I can't hear a sound d
- d When you're seeing things d
- d Hear a sound d
- d Then your feet don't touch
the ground d
- d Don't hear a sound d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
- d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
- d You know that I d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
dd [Vocalizing]
d 'Cause when you're falling d
dd [Vocalizing]
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d Falling on my d
[Rumbling]
[Howling, Growing Louder]
- [Aircraft Roaring]
- [Shouting]
[Shouting]
- I got it! I got it!
- Lie down! Lie down!
[Speaking In German]
Shh.
Gunter?
Guten Morgen.
[Shouting In German]
Let's just get this over with.
- Just kill me.
- He wants to hear you squeal
like a puppy.
Beg... for...
your life.
Herr Kommandant!
Herr Kommandant!
[Straining]
Get down! Get down!
Get back!
- Nein! Nein! Bitte!
- Now it's your turn to do some begging.
Please!
[Cell Phone Ringing]
- [Ringing Continues]
- [Coughing]
- Mom, this isn't a good time.
- Tell your mother
to pick us up in an hour.
- In an hour you'll still be dead.
- Pick me and dad up in an hour?
- You're not even supposed to have that!
- I'm busy right now.
You're one to talk
about the rules.
Excuse me? Listen.
It's not my fault you guys suck. Okay?
- It's not my fault.
- Good-bye.
- [Explosions]
- [Shouting]
- I got it!
- [Grunting]
- [Bomb Whistles]
- [Whistling Louder]
- [All Noises Stop]
[Man On Megaphone]
That's it for today, folks.
Join us next week for the attack
on the Zigfried line.
Hey, there, death wish.
You got a name?
Bart Bowland.
Bart Bowland.
Name's Kelly Ernswiler.
Nice to meet ya.
Same.
- Whereabouts you live?
- Shaker Heights.
You're from Shaker Heights?
I'm from the same place.
- What street?
- It's outside Shaker...
but I go to Shaker High.
Langely Prep.
You don't go to Langely.
You go to Langely.
Huh. Well, I would've
went to Langely...
if only my polo pony
hadn't died.
[Clears Throat]
Kelly, uh...
I've had three complaints
about you today.
- I mean, you go off script,
you steal a uniform at knife point...
- So?
Well, the brigade's been talking,
and if you don't chill out...
we're gonna follow the regulatory
procedures for an official reprimand.
Ooh. The threat of bureaucracy.
You got me shakin'.
You know, we could all easily
vote to permanently bar you...
- from any further participation...
- He gets it, Dunkin.
[Men Chattering]
- Don't waste your time.
- [Sighs]
- So, is this Willys yours?
- Oh, yeah.
If you're still feeling suicidal, I could
run you over in her, if you want.
- I think the moment's passed.
- All right.
- Can I get a lift, though?
- You want a lift?
dd [Rock]
I don't get it. You go to the battles,
but you don't like the rules?
I mean, I never met a rule
I didn't want to break.
- So, what's the appeal?
- Ladies love a man in uniform, Bart.
My Langely uniform
hasn't done much for me.
It's a theory, you know.
You have to be groovy.
d Drowning in my id d
- d Always searching like it's on junk d
- This is it here.
d No matter who I hang out with d
Of course it is. What would a house be
without a huge iron gate?
d Of the chains that pull the cars up d
d The roller coaster
mountaintops so high d
- [Engine Stops]
- dd [Ends Suddenly]
You have quite a crib.
You should come over sometime.
You can service our lawn mower.
I would, but then I might
soil my croquet whites.
- You understand.
- Yup.
- See ya around.
- All right. I'll see ya next weekend, Bart.
- [Door Slams]
- dd [Humming]
Sergeant Keller,
how was the war?
Did we win?
I'm makin' sandwiches for Care House.
Hey, pull up a chair.
[Woman]
That's really nice. It's coming along.
Son of Eve,
you look very dirty.
Oh, this is nothing.
You should see the other guy.
Don't touch anything. We're getting
ready for the Starving Artist show.
- Can I talk to you, please?
- Nana. The gold has to be more feathery.
Like this. Not gloppy.
Okay? Now you try.
Ma, you know why
we never have food in this house?
- I'm not having that argument again.
- Well, I'll tell you why.
Ming, you remember what we said
about the eyes?
They need to have
a little bit more empathy.
We really need people to feel
like this horse understands them, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- That's why it's our biggest seller.
I'll tell you.
It's because your husband comes in here
and steals food from his own family...
to feed every druggie in Cleveland,
like it's not a problem.
Well, honey, pick up a paintbrush.
We're ordering pizza later.
No. Some people
have to work, Mom.
Can you drop this off
at the cleaners for me?
Oh, sweetie, you know what
we said about paying for the war things.
We don't support that.
[Dishes Clatter]
dd [Muzak]
I don't understand how you can reenact
the Battle of the Bulge...
in 72 degree weather.
Didn't all those guys
freeze to death?
A portable toilet
fell on a couple of guys.
That's disgusting.
- Well, war is hell.
- Then why do you do it?
I feel you're never more alive than
when you're faced with simulated death.
Hmm.
Maybe I should
try it some time.
- You're William James Rowley of the
101 st Airborne, pinned down in Noville.
- Hey!
The Germans have the high ground,
shelling your position heavily.
- You're holed up in a stone barn,
running low on ammo.
- Kelly! Ooh!
- Cries of wounded men fill the air
like cries of hungry babies.
- Ow!
At 1:00 p.m. you lose radio contact
with headquarters. What do you do?
- What do you do? What do you do?
- Kelly, stop it.
Battle of the Bulge, southern shoulder,
December, '44.
I'm sorry I asked.
Hey!
At least I wasn't, you know,
restocking rump roasts.
[Man]
I'd like to remind everybody...
about our upcoming field trip
to the battlefields.
Uh, so far,
only two of you have signed up.
Well, anyway, let's, um,
move on to Gettysburg.
At Gettysburg,
the Union soldiers fought bravely on...
giving their lives so that we may enjoy
the freedoms that we have today.
Bullshit!
[Coughs]
- [Giggling]
- Do you have something to say,
Mr. Ernswiler?
Excuse me?
No.
Seems that you do.
Come on. Isn't your analysis
a tad simplistic?
I mean, maybe for
a second grade history class, fine.
But to characterize the Civil War
as a moral struggle, sir? That's a joke.
Ajoke?
Lance, you're not
helping things.
Dad... Mr. Norway.
- Well, we-we all have our own opinions.
- Opinions? Soldiers were drafted...
and the only ones
who didn't have to fight were the ones
that could pay their way out.
- Yes.
- Why don't you talk about
the Draft Riots?
Huh? Why don't you show slides
of the victims, tortured and murdered...
by the bloodthirsty mob
that was at those Draft Riots.
How can you teach something
that you don't know anything about?
Kelly, we have to stop
meeting like this.
I mean, it's not my fault
the teachers here suck.
Listen. I know that some of the teachers
around here can be pretty trying for you...
but you've got to learn to work
in the system, not against it.
- Why is that?
- Because growing up is
a hard enough process as it is.
Is that what your box
of tissues is for?
I see you're not going to college
next year. What are your plans?
How am I gonna
get through to you?
Advertising executives use status and sex
to appeal to my demographic.
[Bell Ringing]
- [Girls] Ready? Okay!
- Two, 23, hut hut!
- Hey, G.I. Jane. You disrespected my dad.
- Gimme a break.
- I think you need to apologize to him.
- To that chump? No way.
Why are you dicking with me,
you little dick? You wanna play, dick face?
Wait. You just used "dick" as a noun,
adjective and a verb.
- That's pretty impressive.
- Thank you.
Okay, let's see...
- what little Beetle Bailey
keeps in his knapsack...
- [Grunting]
that makes him
so intelligent.
- Yard sale! Crap.
- Stop!
Hey, Private.
Thanks for the hat.
- [Girls Cheering]
- [Boys Grunting]
- [Girls] Woo! Go!
- dd [Rock]
[Man]
Ready? Go! Go! Go!
- d Today is gonna be a beautiful day d
- [Engine Stalling]
No! Come on!
Hotsie, it's me. Please?
Don't do this to me!
d Now I know it's not
a usual thing d
d Don't dare waste your time d
- [Honking]
- [Shouting]
- [Tires Screeching]
- d Don't dare waste your time d
d No more runnin'
from the usual things d
- [Honking]
- Keep moving, asshole.
There's nothing
to see here.
Nice one. They should transfer
you to the Signal Corps.
What happened?
Oh, man.
Where do I start?
[Bart]
I can't do anything about yourJeep...
but I can probably
find you another hat.
Oh. What?
Very impressive, man.
My dad's really
into collecting.
What the hell?
- What's this?
- That's Grant's field flask.
Never went into battle
without it.
You know what? Your dad
should really meet my history teacher.
That guy sent me
up the river today...
for questioning his G-rated
interpretation of the Civil War.
Here. Take this.
That'll shut him up.
- Stonewall Jackson's.
- What?
My dad's got so much junk
crammed in here he doesn't even notice
when it's missing.
Before this it was
antique duck decoys.
Ah, here it is.
[Clears Throat]
I think it was
Montgomery's.
- It's yours now.
- You're serious?
- Yeah.
- [Man] Bart? Bart?
- Hey, Dad. I was just, um...
- Hmm.
showing Kelly
some of your pieces.
- He's really into this stuff.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Is-Is that a field stool
from the New York Third?
- My great-great-grandfather
was in the New York Third.
- That's amazing.
Kelly.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure.
- Knowledgeable young man.
- That's right.
You know, I used to share
your fascination for all things military.
Yeah, I can see.
Lately, though, I've been exploring a
somewhat lighter side of human culture.
Come on.
Um, I know I don't have to tell you,
but put everything back as you found it.
The origin of nesting dolls
is shrouded in mystery.
Some say the oldest
are from China.
Still others say Japan.
I don't have any of those,
but the ones I do have are from Russia...
and the Russians perfected
the art of nesting dolls.
This particular one here,
this is the crown jewel of my collection.
It has 13 levels...
going all the way down
to the teeny tiniest...
the baby, Ruby.
Ruby. Huh.
Yeah. It's silly. I call her Ruby, because
if you look closely at her two little eyes...
they look like rubies.
My little Ruby baby.
Whoa!
Oh, good God.
We should have just taken the damn hat.
We'll get you one.
Ah. I got...
I have to get a flashlight.
- So why'd you let someone take it?
- My hat?
Oh, I didn't let anybody take it.
I just mouthed off to the wrong person.
- Sounds like your mouth
gets you in trouble a lot.
- It does.
Is Mom here?
I need to go over the music with her.
Does it look like Mom's here?
Your mom went shopping.
She'll be back in about an hour.
- Tabby, have you met
Bart's new friend, Kelly?
- Hi.
- [Mutters]
- Whatever you do,
do not give him any money.
- Hey, shut up.
- Hey, you shut up.
He's wanted in three states.
That's funny. We're paying attention
to you now. Ya happy?
I'm really happy.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
Will you tell me when Miner gets here?
Thank you.
- Who's Miner?
- Fianc.
Aha! Ruby.
[Girl] You know that frozen food lady
came in today with her kids.
- Oh, yeah?
- They must eat out of
those cardboard trays every day.
I think one of her kids
even looks like a piece of cardboard.
You know we have more flavors
of cat food here than we do baby food?
- Really?
- Yeah.
What do you think
that says about our culture?
I don't know what it says.
What do you think?
Mmm, I think working here
is very depressing.
Then you should quit.
You could get any job you wanted to.
- You think so?
- Heck, yeah.
Come on. You're smart,
you got a good eye...
- and you do the best promo stuff
in the store.
- Well.
The thing you do
with juice boxes...
- It was genius.
- Thanks.
What are you gonna do?
Enlist?
In the army?
- And lose this? No way! Are you crazy?
- Hello? Hello?
- No way. Nuh-uh.
- Not happening.
- Hello?
If the store is closed, it shouldn't have
a sign that says, "24 hours."
- Okay. I'll be right there.
- I don't wanna be here
when my coupons expire.
Okay.
dd [Rock]
Mornin', Private Ryan.
Like my new hat?
Yeah, actually. I got one just like it.
It's just mine's infested with lice.
Really? You're just
a regular Carrot Top, aren't you?
- [Grunts]
- [Chuckling]
Oh, my God.
One day, me and you
are gonna be alone.
- Won't that be nice?
- Too bad my mom won't let me date yet.
That's a good one, buddy.
Ya got dental insurance?
- Why do you mess with him?
- You're right.
- I should give him a break.
- I mean it.
[Man]
The Allies launched a counter-offensive
two days before the new year.
Kelly, you're home.
Thank goodness.
Move. I need you to go
to the art supply store for me.
I'm not goin'.
Get Abe to do it.
Abe was going... He had to lead
a meeting at Care House.
- What do you need?
- I phoned in the order.
- Is it a big order?
- No. Thank you.
It better not be
a big order.
- [Cash Register Beeping]
- [Woman] Is that it? That one?
- [Woman #2] Yeah, yeah. Third row.
- Thank you.
- [Tabby] Kelly, right?
- Hi.
Uh, so they're having
a glitter sale, it looks like.
- What happened to you?
- What happened... Oh. My eye.
I had a tennis injury
a while back. No big thing.
- So, you paint?
- Oh, yeah. You know.
That's a weird
question to ask.
- How so?
- I don't feel comfortable
calling anything done...
since the Renaissance
"painting."
We might have more experimental
interaction with the picture plane...
but as far as skills go,
we're suffering a great deal.
Okay.
So, I got a question.
- I see you're working with acrylics?
- Mm-hmm?
Why? Isn't oil much richer?
- Oh, not another oil snob.
- I'm not an oil snob, it's just,
isn't acrylic a bit jejune?
- Jejune?
- Yeah, it means...
I know what it means.
- How old are you, anyway?
- Older than my years.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And... you paint?
- Well, my mom's an artist,
so I kind of pick...
- Oh, that explains it.
- That explains... What does that explain?
W-W-Wait. Doesn't anybody believe
in innate knowledge anymore?
You know, Michelangelo was 15
when he painted the, uh, f..."farnas."
- Infanta.
- "Fanta." That's what I meant.
Actually, Infantas are Spanish.
Michelangelo was Italian.
Spanish, yeah. Well, uh, exactly.
You know.
- One world, one people,
just like Jesse Jackson envisioned.
- [Phone Ringing]
- Smart guy.
- Hi, sweetie.
I'm just running errands
right now.
I should be home
in about an hour.
- See ya later.
- All right.
What the hell did I just say?
What the hell did I just say?
Jesse Jackson.
Dad?
Dad?
- Dad, get up.
- Aaah!
Sorry.
- Hey, Pop.
- Keller.
You know,
a funny thing just happened to me.
I thought you were
dead on the couch.
Oh, you mean Emmett. They didn't have
any empty beds at Care House.
- Emmett?
- Uh-huh.
So you bring him
to our house?
Why don't you ever think about... Maybe
he might be dangerous to me and Mom.
- Hmm? Or steal all of our furniture?
- He needed a place to sleep.
Well, havin' him here makes it
feel more like home, anyway.
Hey, I've been straight
for five years, almost six.
That's a third of your life.
Big deal.
I've been straight the whole time.
[Man]
That there's actual sand from Iwo Jima.
- Or your sister's fish tank.
- Well, it don't come with no
certificate of authenticity...
Actually, I'm in the market
for an Airborne cap for my friend here.
- I got one. Can't sell it to ya, though.
- Sure?
- It has a lot of sentimental value.
- Yeah? How much?
A lot.
What's this?
General Ulysses S. Grant's
field flask, my friend.
And if that's the collected
works of Baudelaire...
throw it in.
We'll call it even.
Listen, Bart.
I don't need it that bad.
No worries.
You got it all wrong.
War is just failed diplomacy.
If you hate it so much,
why do you keep going to the battles?
Mmm.
It looks good
on college applications.
- You goin' to college?
- I got no choice.
- Mmm.
- What happened to your face?
Oh.
- Remember that guy, Lance,
I told you about?
- Same guy?
He's one pissed-off
little munchkin.
What are you gonna do about it?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
What do you mean, "nothing"?
On the battlefield, you were running
around like Rambo on steroids.
That's different.
I mean, that's just playin' around.
So? Haven't you ever heard of
the 193rd Special Operations Wing?
- Never.
- Wanna get this guy?
- [Bart] Target?
- [Kelly] Lance Norway.
- Objective?
- Humiliation...
rage, despair.
Easy enough. 'Nam's probably
our go-to war for that sort of thing.
I got the declassified briefs from
the Phoenix Project around here.
I knew my dad's crap
would come in handy.
Hey, guys. I've got some
stretcher bars out in my car.
- Do you think one of you
could help me bring 'em in?
- Of course.
We'll drop what we're doing,
because what you're doing
must be more important.
- It is.
- Sure.
- I mean, I'll help.
- Thanks.
- What is your...
- I'll find those reports!
Perfect. Thanks.
It's the waterfront.
No, as a viewer,
I get to decide what it is...
and it doesn't look anything like
a waterfront to me.
It's the light.
I was playing with diffusion.
Put it away when you're
done with it, all right?
Very funny.
This is really nice, though.
Must be nice to have a place
like this to get away to, huh?
Yeah, it is.
It's great.
So, what about Farmer?
- Farmer?
- Yeah, the boyfriend.
- Miner?
- Miner. I'm sorry. Miner. Okay.
Well, w-w-what about h...
Is he an artist too?
So, you said your mom
was a painter?
Ah, she used to be.
She still is, I guess.
She had to turn it into a business,
'cause my dad stopped working.
We got this family of Chinese immigrants
living in the house making them for her.
Kinda like Andy Warhol's factory?
Not his factory. More like...
More like Andy Warhol's tool shed.
It's nice, though.
I'm not dissing it.
- I used to have my playpen
in her studio.
- Huh.
So, why'd your dad
stop working?
He's a VH 1 documentary
without the music.
Damn it, Kelly.
I can't plan your revenge by myself.
- Come on!
- Have fun, boys.
Ha! Fun. If only war were fun.
War is deadly serious, ma'am.
You know, I'm kinda worried about you
playing with diffusion unsupervised.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
I might have to come by and show you
some proper safety procedures.
I don't think I have room
in here for a playpen.
[Kelly] Hey, Sarah! Wait up. Wait up.
Do you have the math homework?
- [Sarah] Why? So you can cheat?
- Well, yeah. Can I?
No, but I'll tell you what.
I have an extra ticket
to Aerosmith on Friday night.
Is that gonna be loud?
Yeah. It's gonna be loud.
It's music.
Yeah.
It might be really good for you to get out,
mingle with some normal people.
Something could rub off on you,
I hope.
Well, we'll talk about it
on the night shift. Yes? Okay.
[Bart] Citizens, this is the emergency
broadcast notification system.
This is not a test of the system.
This is an actual notif... Damn.
- That was pretty good, except the end.
- Nah.
Don't you love being a minor? There's no
consequences for illegal activities...
you're not responsible
if the economy goes bad.
No drinking, no credit,
no freedom.
- At least not at my house.
- You talk about it, but I never see.
My parents do their best work
without an audience.
Oh, yeah?
- Like what?
- Do you think I picked Dartmouth?
- You didn't pick it?
- No.
- What about Tabby?
- Tabby, she got to go where she wanted.
Sarah Lawrence, six years.
She's goin' to grad school, though: Yale.
She goes to Yale? Wow.
I didn't think people went to Yale.
Well...
she drives off in her car
in September...
but for all we know, she pulls over
in Albany and sleeps there until May.
What do you mean?
Joke.
[Makes Nasal Noise]
- That was a joke?
That's what they sound like?
- Yeah.
- For some reason,
I always thought they'd be funnier.
- Well.
- Wait. Isn't Sarah Lawrence
a school for lesbians?
- [Sighs]
How's their football team?
[Woman]
Vermont.
Oh, remember the Milbet's place
in Lake Champlain, darling?
[Mr. Bowland] And what was that
wonderful cheese that we had there?
- Gouda.
- Yes, Gouda.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Gouda.
Anyway, the great thing
about Middlebury is that
the French department is awesome.
French. What are you gonna do
with that? Write poetry?
You know, they predict
China is going to be the largest market
of the 21 st century.
Maybe I should take
Chinese, then.
Mandarin is the most spoken dialect,
but the Chinese speak
hundreds of distinct languages.
Speaking of which, Tabby,
honey, have you finished
the seating arrangement yet?
Mom, can we just talk about
something else for once?
Well, darling, we have to take the list
to the calligrapher.
Mmm. Tabby?
Well, you know, uh...
speaking of calligraphy
and the Chinese...
the...
the Chinese peoples
invented calligraphy.
They did.
But I tend to stray away
from saying "invent" too often...
just because it reinforces
patriarchal stereotypes...
as we all know.
Exactly. Men invent,
women give birth.
Although, women
invented babies.
Right, but babies
gave birth to man.
[All Chuckling]
What an unusual conversation.
Do you have discussions like this
at home with your family, Kelly?
My family, uh, they're similar.
A little different.
He does know how
to talk about art.
- Do you?
- You do?
My mother's kind of an artist, so I
pick up very quickly on that kind of stuff.
Oh, you come from
a creative family, do you?
I do.
Well, I wish I could get my boys
to talk to me about any of my passions.
Just try to get them
near the subject of my garden.
- Oh.
- Speaking of, Mrs. Bowland...
I saw your magnolias.
Very fine specimens.
- Oh, thank you.
They are fine, aren't they?
- They're gorgeous.
I just think that flowers are so... sen...
Sensual?
[Kelly]
Yeah. It looks empty.
Lance must be out torturing
puppies or something.
Lemme see.
So, you have a thing
for my sister?
- What? No.
- Everybody does.
I don't.
Bart, I don't.
All right. The coast is clear.
Let's get a closer look.
Come on.
Tabby and I just have
a few things in common.
Oh, really?
Like what?
Like what? I can't tell you about that.
It's my feminine side.
You don't wear
women's clothes, do you?
Hey. Feeling pretty's
not a crime. All right?
Whatever.
Bart. Bart, why?
- What? Bart. Bart!
- [Bart Grunting]
Bart!
Bart!
Can I help you, young man?
- Uh, what? What?
- Kelly?
Mr. Norway!
I was looking for my "merlnds".
Your what?
I had a box of purple "kiffnits". My
friends threw it over. Little purple box?
- Pardon?
- You haven't seen it?
Yeah, I'm coming!
Will you excuse me for a second?
[Whispering]
Bart!
Shit.
[Softer]
Bart!
[Car Alarm Beeps]
- Are you crazy?
- Yes, but now we know the layout
of the entire house. Come on!
[Bart, Slurring]
Dunkin said he'd get...
- like, 10 guys to help us out.
- [Kelly] Cool, cool.
And one of them's gonna
videotape the whole thing.
And I'll tell ya something, Bart.
Once we get that tape played
on the school TV station...
it's gonna be all over but the shoutin',
you know what I mean?
Only a few more days till the field trip
and Operation Mincemeat.
- [Coughing] To Mincemeat.
- To enemies!
To enemies too.
Oh, man.
[Blowing Air, Sucking]
You know what's funny?
It's funny. It's like everything was good
for a while, you know?
Everything was fine.
And then, uh...
I got angry, you know.
At my dad, mostly.
And then I just started... I started saying
whatever popped into my head...
and now I can't stop.
Know what I mean?
Bart?
[Muttering]
dd [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]
Hey!
I warned ya I'd come.
- All right. I'm gonna go, then.
- What do you want?
Um, inspiration.
I had this idea for a painting. Thought
maybe I could come in here and paint it.
Okay. You can grab
a canvass in the corner.
There's paintbrushes
in thejar.
- Paint's on the shelves.
- Okay.
[Rattling]
- Oh, I don't have much time.
- Am I messing up your concentration,
me being here?
No, it's fine.
So, um,
when's your wedding happening?
Ah, next week.
I'd rather not
talk about it.
Why? Something wrong?
No.
What are you painting?
[Sighs]
What am I painting?
Really, there's just so many layers
of imaginistic symbolism here...
that I wouldn't feel comfortable
summing it all up.
All right.
It's this reoccurring dream I have
of a mermaid riding a rocket ship.
A rocket ship. How?
Well, she's riding it sidesaddle.
She's a mermaid.
She's got a fishtail, for Chrissake.
Okay.
The most important thing,
of course, though...
is empathy.
Just 'cause you want the viewer to feel
like the mermaid understands them.
You know.
Do you have any idea
what you're talking about?
Does it matter?
Sometimes people say
what they really think.
Okay, smarty. Well, what if people
don't know what they really think?
Doesn't matter.
You just be yourself.
That sounds boring to me.
No, it's not boring.
It's scary...
and wonderful and exciting.
- Really? What's so exciting
about being yourself...
- [Man] Hey!
- [Tabby] Hi!
- There you are.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. Miner Webber.
- Webber Miner.
- [Tabby] Kelly.
This is Kelly.
Kelly Ernswiler.
It's a pleasure.
Uh, so, what have we got,
a little painting class goin' on here?
He's one
of Bart's friends.
- He paints.
- That's great. Listen, if we're
gonna be on time for dinner...
- we gotta get going.
- Okay. I'm gonna grab my coat.
All right.
- So you paint, huh?
- Yeah, you know, just started.
Right.
So what do you do in your spare time?
You a hobby man?
[Chuckles]
You're still in high school?
Yeah, I am.
But I also moonlight as a stock boy
over at the Shop-Ease...
and President Don Kaminski
says ever employee's part-owner.
So I guess you can say
I'm a captain of industry... in training.
Sort of, um, a capitalist larva.
Wow. That's... quite an image.
Only if you see the most magical part.
Do you see it?
No. What is it?
One day, I'm gonna be
a beautiful butterfly. Right?
But first, I have to be a pupa.
And pupas don't really go out much, so I
don't think I'm gonna be going out much.
Pupa...
the awkward adolescence
of the insect world.
- All set!
- Uh, about time. Let's go.
- Kelly, if you want, you can...
- Yeah, no thanks. I gotta go to work.
- You know what this is right here?
- What?
Eighteen volts
of pure freedom.
Have you been in
the cough syrup aisle again?
Perhaps.
Hey, have you thought
any more about that concert?
Um, yeah. Sarah, I don't
really think that's a good idea.
Why not?
It's kind of a date,
isn't it?
Um, I don't know.
'Cause if it is,
I'm not gonna be able to go...
'cause I'm kind of
seeing somebody at the moment.
- You're seeing somebody?
- I'm not...
I'm not seeing her, but, uh...
we're about to see...
I'm about to see her.
Yeah, well, who... I mean,
if you don't mind me asking... who is she?
Shhoo... She's, uh...
You don't know her.
She's not, you know, somebody you know.
Is she a mail-order bride
or something?
[Sighs]
[Beeping]
[Crashes]
Okay, that's good.
You're on the right track.
Hey, numb-nut.
Trying to do a project.
Why don't you pull a little weight?
Oh, I think you can color
inside the lines by yourself. Don't you?
You know, I think so, but actually,
I forgot my nontoxic crayons.
So, why don't you do it
for me, diaper-baby?
[Laughs]
[Cackles]
[Bart] My dad has this friend
who's a director...
- He's shooting a documentary
for the History Channel.
- Oh, that's cool.
He needs some guys to reenact a battle
from the Allied defensive for him.
We're gonna be on
the History Channel?
- I haven't asked you yet.
- Well, ask me then.
- Stop. Seriously, put it away.
- Come on. Ask me!
Ask me.
Well, if you want to
next week...
but you have to
take it seriously.
Of course, I will.
I always take it seriously.
From what I've seen, you play fast
and loose with your characterizations.
I'm fast and loose?
You're fast and loose.
I play the emotional truth.
I make it real.
- Like back in the dining room?
- [Cocks Gun] What was that?
"I've noticed your magnolias.
Very fine specimens."
[Scoffs]
That was real?
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
You seem to have your own agenda.
That's all.
Well, Bart,
I do have my own agenda.
What other reason is there
to do anything?
I'm just saying, I know the difference
between fantasy and reality.
Oh, okay. So you're saying that
I don't know the difference?
I don't... I don't know.
You don't know what, Bart? You
don't know if you just said that to me?
It's just... It's just nervous energy
before a big mission.
It's natural.
Right. Nerves.
See you at 0400.
I'll be there at 0400.
And if I don't sell them there, I'll
set up on the corner of Stevenson Lane.
That's a good location.
- Are you listening to me?
- [Sighs]
Did you put more red pepper
in this than usual?
No, it's the same as always.
- Honey, you should eat.
- Nah, I'm not hungry.
[Footsteps Approaching]
- Kelly! You want some dinner?
- I ate.
[Footsteps Departing]
One day, we'll all be happy.
[Laughs]
I won't know what to do with myself.
- [Laughs]
- [Snorts]
- dd [Cartoonish Music On Television]
- [Snoring]
[Beeping]
[Man On Television]
Of Shaker Heights... We're
under attack. I repeat, under attack.
This is not a test or a drill.
This is an actual emergency.
Enemy troops are fanning out,
and we're not sure where
they're coming from yet.
In fact, very little is known
about our invaders at the present time.
What little we know is that
they're ruthless, organized...
and we strongly urge you to stay inside
and do not try to defend yourselves.
These people are easily pissed off
and extremely dangerous.
[Man #2]
That's correct, Bill. We've received word
the police force has been overthrown.
Just the sheer size of
this invasion is staggering.
Also, we've been told by a reliable source
that aggressive action...
- [Helicopter Whirring]
- towards the attackers
will be promptly punished.
- [Man #2] They're everywhere!
- [Bill] Please! Don't risk any action.
[Bill] There's really little that
anyone can do to stop these people.
Get under a table! Cover your heads!
[Continues, Indistinct]
[Screams]
[Man #2]
They're in the building!
- [Gasps]
- Get him!
Bring him down here! Come on!
Carry him outside!
Let go of me!
Let go!
Go! Come on!
- Please!
- Put him down! Right there!
- Where are the purple "kiffnits"?
- What?
- Give us the "merlnds"!
- What?
- Cooperate, or die like a dog!
- Please, don't hurt me.
- Please, don't hurt me.
- [Chuckles]
- You know too much already.
Look, please, I w... I prom...
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
- Your whimpering sickens us.
You die now!
- Please, don't do...
- Now!
- [Whimpers]
[Sobs]
- [Dispatcher, Indistinct]
- [Sobbing Continues]
- Oh, damn.
- Mission accomplished, I'd say.
- Oh, man.
- Can't ask for more than that.
Move out!
Go! Go! Go!
- [Siren Wailing]
- [Whimpering]
[Siren Clicks Off]
- We have to talk.
- Not now. I gotta go to school.
Your father's
in the hospital.
Again? Unbelievable.
Which junkie is it now?
It's him.
[Mr. Norway] They called the western
front the "Sausage Factory."
And not in a...
in a positive sense.
Sure, we-we all like hot dogs...
but this had a decidedly
negative connotation.
Anything to add,
Mr. Ernswiler?
- Uh, no, sir.
- Good.
Now, uh, on to the...
the offensive weaponry.
Um, mustard gas...
[Chuckles, Clears Throat]
So, filming on Saturday.
You excited?
He's got an explosives expert coming.
It's gonna be awesome.
They want you to come
dressed like Wonder Woman. That cool?
What's the matter with you?
Well, he hasn't been to school
in two days.
You know, I'm starting
to worry a little bit.
I'm sure he's fine.
You're sure he's fine?
How are you so sure?
[Clears Throat]
- [Dialing]
- Who you calling?
[Ringing]
- [Mr. Norway] Hello?
- Lance, please.
- Just a minute. Lance!
- Cut the phone... Give me the phone.
- Give me the phone.
- [Lance] I got it, Dad.
See that? He's fine.
Maybe you should think
about something else, like...
what are you gonna do
after graduation?
Well, nice segue.
You sound like your dad.
All right, you can joke,
but he was talking about helping you out.
Wanna go to Dartmouth?
- Are you serious?
- He was. He could pull some strings.
[Sighs] I don't know, man.
I don't know if that'll work for me.
You know. I'm not socially ready for that.
You know what I mean?
Well, tell that to my family.
They're like you're little fan club.
- Even Tabby likes you.
- She say that to you?
- You read it in her diary or somethin'?
- She invited you to the wedding.
But you probably wouldn't
wanna do that, so I'll...
What're you... Weddings?
Bro, I love weddings.
Me and weddings... Right here.
Like this.
In fact, every time I'm at weddings
I usually get wasted
and-and dry hump someone's aunt.
Well, good. I'll, uh,
call my mom's aunt, Maureen...
and, uh, tell her to expect
a little action.
Maureen, huh? Pretty name.
Yeah. A little advice, though...
Don't look right at the goiter. It's... Mmm.
Tabby?
So you invited me
to your wedding?
There isn't going to be
a wedding.
Wh-Why? What happened?
Miner kissed this woman
he works with.
[Sighs]
Honestly, I didn't think you guys
were right for each other anyway.
You didn't, huh?
[Sniffles]
Like-Like this painting,
for instance.
You see this painting?
If you were to stare at this for too long,
you wouldn't know what it was.
But for somebody who just
comes in and sees it, they know
exactly what it is. You know?
I don't need any bullshit
right now.
Couldn't understand you, Tabby.
I'm not as complicated
as you think.
Well, I didn't...
I didn't say you were complicated.
I'm really sorry, Tabby.
Come on. Don't cry.
- [Sobs]
- No, don't cry.
Please.
Here you go.
[Laughs]
You like me, don't you?
Of course.
No, I mean...
you like me.
[Softly]
Oh.
I think you're amazing.
[Engine Starts]
[Mr. Bowland]
Bart? What are you doing out there?
Mom?
- [People Chattering]
- Some peoples were supposed to
show up and we know... showed up.
- You look perfect.
- You think so?
Yeah, it's been seasoning under my bed
for a little bit. Put a little work into it.
Uh, some of the other boys
are over at craft service.
Okay.
[Sighs Deeply]
The snack table.
Oh, craft service is the snack table.
Okay.
Um, let me show... No...
[Continues, Indistinct]
- Is Bart Bowland here?
- I have no idea. Excuse me.
So, uh, I want a meeting shot
coming down here with whatever you...
[Chattering]
All right, everybody,
we're gonna start positioning.
You, you and you...
I want you over by that tree.
You and all of you guys...
you're up behind the hill.
- All right. Whose Jeep is that?
- That M.G.? She's mine.
Great. We're gonna need to use it.
Can you take it behind the hill?
Sure.
Um, did Bart Bowland
check in yet?
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
We've got enough people.
- Well, he's gonna...
- All right, places, please!
Let's go!
Password!
Where the hell you been?
Nowhere.
It really wasn't smart of you.
They got me driving an old Lippy.
And I'm going to get a crapload
of close-ups. And what are you wearing?
Where's your kit at?
I ought to kill you
right now.
What?
- You had to do it.
- What're you... Do what?
You just... do whatever the hell you want!
And consequences...
they don't matter, do they?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm talking about
your agenda again, Kelly...
which apparently includes
hitting on my sister!
- Okay, picture is up! Roll camera!
- Mark!
What'd you... What'd you think
she was gonna do? Run off with you?
You're a 17-year-old bag boy.
She is a Yale grad student.
Talk about living in
a fucking fantasy world!
Action!
- Cue the Jeep!
- Bart, what do you want me to do?
You want me to be miserable like you?
I can do that. Will it make it any better?
You got it all figured out,
don't you?
- [Woman] Cue theJeep!
- Better than you do, daddy's boy.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Grunts, Growls]
- Hey. Hey!
Cue the Jeep!
- [Men Shouting]
- Get out of the way!
[Groans]
It's cool. We can use it. We'll edit it
together with some newsreel footage.
It'll-It'll be fine.
What?
[Object Hits Something,
Falls To The Ground]
Where have you been?
Listen, Mom, can we
talk about this tomorrow?
Your father's gone downhill.
They have him on dialysis.
Well, that's perfect.
Why would you say
something like that?
I don't know.
It just seems to fit.
"Seems to fit."
Do you understand
what I just said?
- No, Mom. Why don't you say it again?
- [Sighs]
When are you going to
forgive him?
When am I going to
forgive him?
That's quite
a question, Mom.
When am I gonna
forgive him? Hmm.
Uh, I don't know. Maybe when I
forget all the lyrics...
to The Little Mermaid sound track
he'd play every time
he'd take me so he could score.
Maybe when we don't live in
a house that's always for sale.
I don't know. I'll forgive him when I go
to college. That's when I'll forgive him.
I can't go, can I?
'Cause he took the money
out of my college fund
and bought Mexican black tar with it.
And you're asking me to forgive this guy?
No way.
All right. Come with me
to the hospital.
Okay.
- This isn't about you anymore.
- It's never about me.
What is wrong with you?
I'm so sick of you being angry.
- I wanna be angry.
- Mom... Enough.
You will not tell me
what is enough!
You don't know
about anything. You...
I'm talking about
the man I love.
[Door Closes]
Hey, Kelly.
Hey, look, I just... I thought you
should know that I gave my notice, okay?
Kelly?
- Kelly?
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Bowland.
- Bart's not here, honey.
- Actually, I was, uh, going to see Tabby.
Ooh. Uh, well, Tabby's at her final fitting.
Wedding's tomorrow.
[Siren Wailing In Distance]
Damn it!
Goddamn.
Oh...
[Bell Tolling]
- Is everyone in their places?
- Yes.
- And the organist?
- Ready.
Where are the cars?
They'll be here in a few minutes.
Calm down.
[Chuckles]
[Woman]
Hi.
What the hell
are you doing?
- What do you mean? I was invited.
- I uninvited you.
You unin...
It's not your wedding, Bart.
Why are you wearing that?
- Look, I can't let you come in.
- Why not?
Because you know why.
Just go home.
Bart...
Kelly!
What are you doing?
Just listen.
[Exhales]
- This is my wedding day.
- I know what day it is.
I know what day it is.
Where do I fit in
in all this? Huh?
- I thought we really had something.
- You know it wasn't like that.
No, I don't know
it wasn't like that.
What was it?
It was a moment.
A moment?
What the hell is that?
What do you wanna do?
Do you wanna stop the wedding?
No. I don't... l...
Oh, come on. You...
- You shouldn't marry this guy.
- Why?
It's like... You're an artist. Do you know
what I mean? You're an artist.
And he...
He's not into... You know what I mean?
He's, um...
What is he? What does he do?
I still don't know.
He's, like, a corporate,
money-making, money-manager.
It just doesn't add up.
That's the thing.
It doesn't always add up.
[Mr. Bowland Knocking]
Tabby, honey? You coming out?
[Tabby] Kissing you made me feel
something that I needed to.
That's all it was.
I'm getting married right now,
and I would like you to be happy for me.
Okay?
[Mr. Bowland]
Here she comes!
[Man, Distorted]
Here she is!
[Laughing, Cheering]
Kelly. Hey.
We'rejust about to start.
What, are you taking off?
Yeah.
What are you wearing?
I grew out of my old suit.
Oh, yeah? Me too.
Check it out. Rental.
It's funny, you know?
A day like this in a guy's life,
he doesn't even wear his own clothes.
- Yeah.
- It's just another thing that
doesn't feel real, you know?
Especially after everything Tabby and I
have been through. [Chuckles]
[Softly]
No.
It shouldn't feel that way.
You know, today's the most
important day of your life.
No.
No, man.
This is just the beginning.
Everybody screws up a little.
It's what you do afterwards that counts.
You know?
[Bell Tolling]
Gotta go. See ya.
[Bells Chiming]
[Dog Barking]
[Chattering]
[Woman On P.A.]
Dr. Glade to Obstetrics.
[Beeping]
You're lookin' good.
Keller.
[Laughs]
- Out of bed, huh?
- Yeah.
- Feeling better?
- Yeah. Better.
They didn't give you shoes?
No, no.
They're over there.
You, uh...
You wanna watch some TV?
[Dad]
Look at that. They bolted it to the wall.
My reputation precedes me.
[Laughs]
Come on.
So, any, uh...
Any battles this weekend?
A few.
He looks good.
[Groans]
So, you're new here, huh?
You got any hobbies?
Well, that's good.
Thanks for your help.
Really.
- Your whimpering sickens us.
You die now!
- Please, don't do...
- Now!
- [Whimpers]
- [Lance Sobs]
- [Phone Ringing]
[Mr. Bowland On Answering Machine]
If you'd like to leave a message...
- for the Bowlands... or Ruby...
please do so after the beep.
- [Beeps]
[Kelly On Answering Machine]
Uh, hey, Bowlands. [Laughs]
Um, it's Kelly.
Just callin'to say that, um...
I'm really sorry that I made a mess of
the festivities that happened last week.
And, um...
And Bart, uh, you know,
I'm headin'down to the Rat's Nest...
to sell off some of my stuff, so any
chance you wanna catch me there, uh...
that's where I can be caught.
You're gonna make
a killing.
Yep.
d Will we both be happy d
d To stand alone d
- Here.
- Mm-mmm.
- Here.
- Keep it.
Here.
Hold it for me then.
d I'll stop thinking d
d Or we'll be ordinary love dd
- Sounds like you
really made an ass out of yourself.
- I did.
I did, man.
So if you liked this girl Sarah so much,
why didn't you ask her out before?
- [Kelly] 'Cause it was forbidden love.
- [Bart] What?
[Kelly] Well, fraternizing is against the
Shop-Ease code of conduct. You know.
[Bart Laughs] Code of conduct?
Dude, it's a grocery store.
[Kelly] Hey.
Remember, I'm part-owner. All right?
[Bart Laughs]
Can you hold on for a second?
I'm just gonna go...
- Kelly.
- Real quick. Hold on.
- Are you sure?
- Please? Wait up.
One second.
Lance.
I'm unarmed.
What, you lose your pony,
you little, pretty pony boy?
No. No.
I wanted to apologize.
- For what? Your existence?
- No, I wa...
Me and my friends staged
the invasion that... [Laughs]
I'm not laughing 'cause it's funny.
I'm laughing 'cause I'm nervous. We, um...
Well, you know, actually, it never
happened. It was a dream you had.
Well, I'm sorry for the dream.
Okay?
All right.
Fine.
- We're good?
- Almost.
What do you mean,
"almost"?
[Groans, Coughs]
- [Coughing]
- Kelly!
Hey, Kelly. Hey!
[Laughs] Hey.
- [Groans]
- [Laughs]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Ohh.
- I deserved it.
- [Laughs]
Is it gettin' big?
Ah.
Better.
Are you finished now?
No, no. This is just
the beginning. See?
- Because I find that in order
to get where you need to go,
- Hey!
- you gotta cut through
all the other stuff first.
- [Laughs]
- So, you know what I mean, kind of?
- What are you talking about? Wait!
- Here, gimme a piggyback...
- [Sighs]
- Please. Please...
- All right.
All right.
Up!
- Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!
- [Groans, Shouts]
[Talking Continues, Indistinct]
d I can't get through the smoke d
d That's surrounding you d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
d And when you're
seeing things d
d Then your feet
don't touch the ground d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d I can see through the clouds d
d I can walk right through
the walls d
d Hang me off the ceiling d
d But I can't take the fall d
d Should I cross the river d
d When I may get swept away d
d Out there on the water d
d You can still see me wave d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
- d I can't tell which way is down d
- d Which way is d
- d When you're falling d
- d I still d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d Learn to heal d
d Learn to heal d
d I keep seeing all those things d
d Finish the pain d
d My feet don't touch d
d The ground d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
- d Somehow I don't d
- d Hear a sound d
d Do not hear a sound
I can't hear a sound d
- d When you're seeing things d
- d Hear a sound d
- d Then your feet don't touch
the ground d
- d Don't hear a sound d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
- d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
- d You know that I d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d I can't tell
which way is down d
d And when you're screaming d
d Somehow I don't hear a sound d
d 'Cause when you're falling d
dd [Vocalizing]
d 'Cause when you're falling d
dd [Vocalizing]
d 'Cause when you're falling d
d Falling on my d