Big Broadcast of 1938, The (1938) Movie Script

The Big Broadcast of 1938 (1938)
Move back! You'd better get on.
I shall miss my boat.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
You'll catch the boat!
My invention picks up electrical
impulses sent from a station on shore.
This furnishes power for
the auxiliary propellers.
With them, we expect to achieve a speed
of 65 knots per hour. Thank you.
You have just heard Mr. Robert
Hayes tell you how fast we
will cross the ocean.
How fast is 65 knots?
How do you do?
Sixty-five knots is
approximately... miles.
Psst! I know you want
to hear the voice...
of that great radio announcer who
will be in charge of our broadcasts.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Buzz Fielding!
He didn't get here yet.
Oh, what'll I do? Anything,
but go ahead and do it.
An imitation of a man
playing a violin.
Get him out of there.
Get him out of there.
Ladies and gentlemen, there seems
to be some delay on our program.
Where is he?
If you'll have patience,
you'll soon hear...
the genial voice of your own
announcer, Mr. Buzz Fielding.
Yeah? That's what you think.
Buzz Fielding! Phooey!
It's bad enough to be in jail.
He won't be on that program.
How do you know so much?
Because I'm Buzz Fielding.
Is that so. What are you
doin' in alimony jail?
I had trouble keeping a wife and
the government on one salary.
Sorry to keep you waitin' out
there. That's all right.
Is this the one? It's been
some time since I've seen him.
Yes, that's he.
Here's another one says she's your
wife. Hello, Buzzie boy.
I hope you're happy now that
you've put me in this monkey cage...
just because I missed a
couple of installments.
Number three comin'up.
Hello, Buzz.
What is this, a convention?
Oh, Mrs. Fielding, Mrs. Fielding
and... uh, Mrs. Fielding.
One and two, Mrs. Fielding
number three.
A mighty touching scene here.
- You expectin' any more? - No,
I know when I've had enough.
Buzz, dear, if you'll
just hand over the money,
I'm sure the, uh, girls will
agree to let you out...
so you can earn a lot more
money for us. But what money?
Y'all got $50,000 in advance to put
on the broadcast from the Gigantic.
Yeah, but that's not my money.
That's for the talent.
- I won't touch a cent of it.
- What did you bet it on?
Bet? The nose of the Gigantic.
She's a cinch to beat the
Colossal, and I got even money!
I'm looking for Mrs. Fielding.
Everybody here is
Mrs. Fielding but me.
The judge said he wanted
to see Mrs. Fielding,
so I guess you'll all
have to come along.
Remember the last time we were in
jail together? Our wedding night.
Did you ever manage to
find the marriage license?
Gee, that was about the maddest
house detective I ever saw.
There he is.
Buzz! Dorothy!
You sure do all right. Don't
worry. You'll be out.
I just paid your alimony.
With what?
Your engagement ring? Dorothy, you're
the most marvelous girl in the world!
It almost makes me
feel like crying.
I think I will. It
wasn't paid for. Oh.
Excuse me, Mrs. Fielding.
You're wrong, for once.
But I can see how you
picked up the habit.
You can come out. Everything's been
fixed. No fooling?
Sure fun havin' you here
again, Mr. Fielding.
Don't think I haven't enjoyed
it, because I haven't.
So long. Don't miss the big
broadcast from the Gigantic.
When you hear my theme song, the
first bars will be for you.
33 1/3 percent. What are
you crabbin' about?
Before y'all came along,
Cleo and I split him 50-50.
And to think I used
to own him 100%.
Oh. Pardon my curiosity, but
where'd this money come from?
She said she was just a friend.
Say, that's how we started!
You started.
Say, girls, come
see what I see.
Oh, just a friend! I can almost
see the number four on her back.
I'm not going to take another
cut! He can't chisel me down 25%.
Come on, Cleo. I'm
coming, dear.
Everything depends upon
you, my dear brother.
You're embarking for
Europe immediately.
Everything is arranged.
Proceed at once to pier 13,
where you will embark upon
the Colossal. Colossal.
The present holder of the
Atlantic crossing record.
You will receive further instructions
upon your arrival in Europe.
I wish you your usual luck.
Thank you.
And a hearty handclasp.
Have a good time. Thanks. I'll
even go out of my way to have it.
But you must hurry, S.B.
I'm off, T.F.
I'm leaving everything in
your hands. Au revoir.
I thought that hallway
was awfully crowded.
Au revoir.
Where am I? Drat, drat, drat!
The mail, sir. Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Ah! A carte postale
from Paris,
from my friend
Major Biggleswade.
From Paris. What won't
they think of next?
Ah... destroy it at once.
Quite so. Yes, indeed, sir.
Your brother, sir, S.B., seemed to be
in quite a hurry, if I may say so.
I sent him off in a hurry.
He's got to catch the Colossal.
He only has a few moments.
Might I remind you, sir, the
Colossal is not our boat.
Our boat is the Gigantic.
Ah, true, true.
The Colossal is our
nearest rival.
But need I remind you
that my brother, S.B.,
has been connected with
every major disaster...
since the sinking
of the Merrimac?
I have engaged suite 13
for him on the Colossal.
Very, very good, sir.
Then if anything happens,
it won't be on our boat, sir.
You know who S.B. is... S.B.
Ready... hup!
Guess they want a speech.
My friends...
I think I can
call you friends.
- These aren't soldiers, sir.
- I was saying, my father,
one of the great
"immorals" of his ti...
Great immortals of his time...
How many, sir? Oh, glad
you thought of it.
Fill her up. Very good, sir.
Right to the brim.
How's your horn? Oh, I suppose...
Ah, don't be facetious.
You haven't much time to catch
the Colossal, sir. Nonsense!
Plenty of time after a
game of golf. Yes, sir.
Here you are, sir.
Ah, thank you.
How much? That will be one cent,
sir, and seven cents tax,
making a grand total of eight
cents. Gas gone up again?
Oh, yes, sir. What with
surtaxes, Social Security,
unemployment, street bonds
and old-age pensions, sir.
The gas is the same, but
the taxes have gone up.
What are you doing there?
Inflating your tires, sir. How
many pounds? Ah, fill her up.
Say, have you any spare parts for
these things? Why, yes, sir.
Get me a new thumb, will you?
I must watch the pressure.
I'll watch the pressure.
Go! Go, go, go, go!
Watch the pressure. No air
was gonna hurt anything.
What are you up to now? I
told you to watch that tire!
I'm dreadfully sorry. I'll
have it fixed in five minutes.
Five minutes and I'm sailing on
the Colossal ten minutes ago.
Drat! Drat, drat. I'll sue ya.
Out of my way before
I hit somebody.
Cast off your lines.
Cast off your lines.
Slow speed astern.
Slow speed astern.
Slow speed astern.
Come on, snails. Get
the lead outta there.
Too heavy.
Too light!
That's too medium.
Let's see. That's all right.
Tee it up... quick!
Fore. Stand clear, boy.
You're all teed up, sir.
Oh, thank you.
What do you mean, I'm all
teed off? Don't be rude.
How far is this hole?
420 yards, sir.
420 yards. 420 yards.
The wind against me.
Hand me that putter!
Thank you.
Stand clear, boy. Keep
your eye on the ball.
Ahh... a lily! I was
afraid I'd miss that.
Ah, thank you, George.
Here we go. Gangway, boys!
Where's the ball? Sorry, sir.
Hasn't got here yet.
Ah, the wind's against me.
Here she comes now.
- There she is. Stand clear.
- Keep your eye on the ball.
There goes the Colossal, Mr. Bellows.
We got another 20 minutes.
It's a lily! That ball will
run like a frightened fawn.
Look out, boys. Get away!
Gangway! Gangway!
Gangway, boys.
Here you are.
Gangway, you children
of the fairway.
A lily! Driver! Driver!
Driver, driver.
None of your liberties,
you silly-looking capper!
Pick up those lost balls.
You look more like Mickey Mouse
than Mickey Mouse does himself.
You're a coot! A coot. You
understand? Yes, sir.
Ah, thank you.
Not to be confused
with cootie.
Just a coot.
Not a good-looking
coot, either.
An ordinary coot.
Common garden coot.
Stand clear. Keep
your eye on the ball.
A ringer! A ringer.
Stand clear!
A weed-bound ball.
Stand clear, boys. We
gotta catch that skiff.
Stand clear!
C'mon, Seabiscuit. Gimme
that 404 elephant gun.
C'mon, hand it to me.
Don't stand there.
100% dynamite.
Hope I didn't hit anybody.
Good morning, Larceny, uh...
Had a bad time in that trap, didn't
you, Mr. Bellows? Got out in one poke.
I thought it took you several. I had a
bad time killing a stubborn wombat.
Little beggars get
into your shoe.
Good morning, Mr. Bellows.
Good morning, Goolkswankez.
How's your game? Oh...
eighteen for nine holes.
Thirty-one. You're holding the
card upside down. Nosey Parker.
It's coming to a pretty
pass when a common caddy...
tells a gentleman how
to hold his card.
Ah, there's that
tongue sandwich now.
How'd it get into there?
Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest
race of the age will soon be on.
Two giant greyhounds of the sea
battling for the crossing record,
and may this one... I
mean, the best one, win.
Sis-boom-ba, rah, rah, rah.
All right, Mike. Don't
knock yourself out.
We will soon pass Ambrose Light where
the race will officially begin.
Between you and me, the
Gigantic can't lose.
With our new radio power,
we'll skip to France...
before you can say, "Jack
Robinson." Jack Robinson.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I
want to introduce a man...
who made a bubble into a musical
career, Mr. Shep Fields.
Two years ago come
next wash day,
Shep became the Columbus of the swing
world by discovering rippling rhythm.
Here he is, Mr. Shep
Fields in person,
who will show you how
rippling rhythm was born.
Okay, Shep, let her ripple.
Do you call that music?
Let me show ya.
This little ripple had rhythm
And the other little
ripples had none
All day through
and all night too
He kept on singing Boodle-de-doop,
boodle-de-doop boodle-de-doop
Now they say the kid's okay
They love to play his
boodle-de-doop, boodle-de-doop
Boodle-de-doop boop
Oh, my hat!
Thank you. It blew off.
It's a new hat. I know it.
How? Old hats never blow off.
Well, thank you for your
trouble. I like catching hats!
Some people like to go to fires. Some
raise tulips. I love catching hats.
What do you do when
there's no wind? I brood.
Whew! As long as we're gonna
make this our life's work, we
should know each other.
- I'm Robert Hayes.
- I'm Dorothy Wyndham.
- How do you do?
- Very well at the moment.
- What do you do when you're not
chasing hats? - I'm an inventor.
- That radio power plant's mine.
- Ohh!
Well, girl loses hat,
boy rescues hat.
Girl is grateful for hat. Oh!
Boy is grateful for wind.
Pitter! Patter! Putter!
Ow! You keep your face clean.
Give me that " can't stay
out" putter. Quick! Hurry up!
What's the matter with you?
Stand clear. Keep
your eye on the ball.
She's in! She's out.
I've missed it.
Come, come.
Come, my little pilliwink.
Aha! She's in.
The only way to play it.
She made the round trip.
Ah, that reminds me.
I must send the little
lady her alimony.
Fifty-seven! A new
course record.
Are you going to keep the
card, sir? Keep nothing.
- No one ever doubts my word.
- Keep the ball instead.
What's that? You've missed
the Colossal, sir.
Oh, that's what you think.
We're off, Pegasus!
Thanks. Gangway, eagles!
Honk, honk. Must be
the China Clipper.
C'mon on, boys.
Have I got double vision?
Gangway! Colossal, ahoy!
Colossal, ahoy!
He can't land here.
He's going to put it down.
Clear the deck!
Clear the decks.
Take it easy, Pegasus. Liable to have
punctured one of the balloonies.
Don't you know better than
to land here, you idiot?
Quiet, pip-squeak. Stand clear,
folks, and keep your eye on the ball.
What's going on here? Evidently a
telegram for me. Hand it over.
- I'm the captain.
- I thought you were a messenger boy.
Who are you? My
name is Bellows.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bellows. I'm
pleased to meet you.
You saw my hand. Stop your
twitting. Where are we?
- We're just passing a bar. - Keep right
on going. We'll stop at the next one.
We're just approaching the light ship
where the record run formally begins.
Ah... go down and open a
case for me, will ya?
Wipe the top of
the bottle off.
Anything I can do for you?
See? You've made
the captain angry.
Too bad you can't show us that trick
invention. Who said I couldn't?
This little squirt, Hayes.
He's tough. He is, eh? Step
up on those handlebars.
Tell him I'm tough too. I can
lick my weight in wildflowers.
Follow me.
But, Mr. Bellows...
Quiet, please.
This way, scums, eh... chums.
This is known as the
chambre de electric...
or the geegaw room.
Robert Hayes is the inventor,
I understand. What?
Why, that lug stole
the idea from me.
I muttered my plans one night whilst
in the throes of delirium tremens...
Er, uh, old-fashioned
Do you know anything
about electricity?
My father occupied the chair of applied
electricity at state's prison.
What is this thing up here?
Uh? Oh, that. Yes.
It's a patent cigar
cutter, I think.
Look out. You've broken it.
Can you fix it?
I'll fix it so that
nobody else can.
This, gentlemen, is a, uh...
Put the mash in here and
it comes out, uh...
If I knew where it comes out,
I'd be there myself right now.
Stand clear, Mr. Bellows!
Get back!
I can't. I'm caught. Let
go of your umbrella.
I can't do that either.
You nearly lost your life, sir.
My life matters but little.
Look at that umbrella, an impulsive
gift from the Ranee of Giz.
Mr. Hayes, are you ready to
turn on your electric power?
Yes, sir. I hope so.
Electricity, bah!
Lock those doors! But,
Mr. Bellows, I...
Don't "but'" me. Who's the
boss around here?
Lock 'em, I tell you.
Lock 'em.
I heard what he said.
I'm terribly sorry.
Well, that's that.
Full speed ahead.
Full speed ahead.
Gentlemen, the race is on.
Good luck, sir.
We'll need it. We'll need it?
Mr. Bellows absolutely refuses
to let us use the radio power.
What? But we don't stand
a chance without it!
The ship was designed for it.
I know it, gentlemen.
It's Mr. Bellow's ship.
I can only obey orders.
The Colossal will beat us by half
a day. I'm aware of that, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
have a rare treat for you:
a great Mexican
singer, Tito Guizar.
All afternoon, I
tossed and turned,
trying to resist the temptation
to come out here and say,
"What this country needs is a good
five-cent Guizar with a band."
Well, now I've said it...
and I wish I hadn't.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Tito Guizar.
Seor Guizar?
Seor Guizar?
Seor Guizar, don't be mad.
I was only kidding.
Seor Guizar? Seor Guizar?
Ay-ya-ya-ya-yi la-la-la-la
La-la-la la-la-la
Ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ahhhh ah ah ah
Ahh ahh ahh ahhhh
Don't tell a secret to a rose
I told a secret to a rose
Just one that grew
with those in a garden
That night I saw
my secret love
Smile from her balcony above
And I threw a rose
From the garden
But how on earth
could I suppose
That I would choose
the very rose
That knew my love
for that seorita
On her mantilla
She wore it
Till that rose fell apart
And out dropped
My heart
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now I like to sing for you a song that
if I have to call it in my own Spanish,
I will say it...
Por besar tus lindos ojos,
yo no s lo que dara.
Eres encantadora, lindsima.
Nada ms ser para ti.
And in English you
call it, "I love you."
When do we turn on the
machinery, Bob? We don't.
Mr. Bellows refuses
to let me go near it.
Say that slow and strap me in.
Bellows can't do that. Yes, he can.
He paid for it. I only invented it.
Fifty thousand dollars!
My bankroll.
- My alimony!
- My rent!
- My poor Buzz. - Oh, my
heart's right up in my mouth.
I hope you don't
chip off any teeth.
If we could use your invention,
do we have a chance to win?
I'm positive, but Mr. Bellows
won't let me get near it.
He doesn't have to know.
- Turn it on without his okay?
- Shh. Not so loud.
Fifty thousand dollars.
If we could just keep
Bellows off the top deck,
keep his mind on something else.
Grace, looks like a job for you.
Why throw me to that beagle-nosed
bugle... bugle-nosed beagle?
Because Mother Nature gave you a little
finger men ache to be wrapped around.
I still don't think...
Darling, he owns this boat.
Owns it? Owns it.
Well, then I'll take some blocks
along for his second childhood.
Look out! Here he comes!
I beg your pardon, dear. You were on the
wrong side; should've blown your horn.
Why don't you look where you're going,
steward? Call me stew for short.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn't
recognize you in this bad light.
Everybody seems to see
me in a bad light.
Didn't I meet you once at the
chicken show in Cucamonga?
I really don't think so.
You see, I'm a widow.
A widow. Fine people, widows.
Had one of the greatest times
of my life with a widow.
Escorted her through a brewery.
She got all "hopped up" about it.
Malt Brothers Brewing. Would
you do something for me?
Uh-oh. Here it comes. I'm
looking for the bar.
Oh-ha! Come with me!
I know a shortcut.
Chum around with me.
You'll have a laugh on every other
girl on the boat. Or vice versa.
Excuse me, dear. Did
I leave an imprint?
Did you find the trouble yet?
Oh, hello. No, not yet.
That's too bad.
Look what I brought you.
Bless your heart.
Say, where's Bellows?
Don't worry.
Grace has that situation
well under control. Fine.
Sandwiches! Will you have one?
No, thank you.
Mmm! These are swell.
Two? Mm-hmm.
One... two.
Thank you.
- Pretty?
- Who, me?
No. That song, idiot. Oh. I
haven't heard it before.
You took the words
right out of my heart
And it was like a
bolt from the blue
You took the words
right out of my heart
What's the matter?
There's not enough sugar.
Three? Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I stood in a daze awhile
For I felt that way too
The moment I saw you smile
I had the words and
you in my heart
There wasn't room
enough for the two
You took the words
right out of my heart
And left only room for you
Bum bum
Do you believe in
love at first sight?
So do I. That is, I mean...
Well, if things weren't...
Oh, you know.
Yeah. I know.
Say, Hayes. Hayes.
How you doin'?
I'm not, thank you.
- Oh, hello, dear.
- Hello.
Say, what gives
out here anyway?
Supper. You want some?
What a time to eat.
If Columbus had
sailed on this boat,
the Indians would
still own America!
Come, darling. You've been
in worse fixes than this.
Yeah, we have, haven't we?
We always managed to
wiggle out somehow.
Remember that deputy sheriff
without his pants? Of course.
And the time I... This is no
time to start remembering.
Go on and make
your announcement.
You know, Cleo, we've had
an awful lot of fun.
Yeah! Between fights.
Remind me to ask you sometime how
we happened to get divorced.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it isn't often that I have the
privilege of introducing...
such a distinguished artist
as Madame Kirsten Flagstad,
star of the Metropolitan
Opera Company.
Madame Flagstad has been acclaimed
the world's greatest living soprano.
She will sing an aria from Richard
Wagner's opera, The Valkyrie,
"Brunnhilde's Battle Cry."
Mr. Wilfred Pelletier of the
Metropolitan will conduct.
Hello, hello, hello!
Hello? Hello? I'm not here.
I'm asleep.
Aren't you awake yet?
I don't know.
I haven't looked yet.
Now I am. What's this thing?
Invention. Why don't you
knock before you come in?
Oh! Oh, yes. Certainly.
Come in.
Now I'm out here!
Stay out there. Take a
walk around the deck.
I can't! I'm in the bathroom.
Stay in the bathroom.
I'll bet you won't
bite anybody else.
Meet me down at the bar.
We'll drink
breakfast together.
Thought you were on deck. What are
you doing here in the reading room?
Reading. Oh.
Here's some breakfast food.
What, no beer?
You swallowed it! I know it.
I know it.
How are you feeling this morning?
I feel like a June bride.
And how does a June bride feel?
I wonder. I wonder.
That tie shrunk. Have you
been wearing it? No.
- May I come in, sir?
- You are in.
Captain's compliments, sir.
He'd like to see you on the bridge.
We've just received an S.O.S.
from a sinking ship.
and if we go to the rescue,
it may cause us to lose the race.
But Mr. Bellows, how can I go to the
rescue until I know where they are?
First you tell me to do
one thing, then another!
Never mind what I tell you
to do. Do what I tell you.
We can't find their position.
I've got them on radio,
but all they do is argue.
All I can make out
is, "Oh, boy!"
Switch that S.O.S.
call to here.
Help! This is the yacht
Hesperus the Fifth.
My brother's yacht.
We are sinking.
They're stinking. They're
drinking evidently.
69 degrees, the Tropic of
Capricorn, 45 degrees west.
38 degrees and 14
minutes north.
Never mind the arithmetic.
Tell 'em where we are.
My daughter's own voice.
My little Jonah.
Mr. Brook, we're
changing course.
Set lookouts. A human
life is at stake.
My daughter cannot be
described as human.
Wherever she goes,
disaster follows.
Have you any proof your daughter causes
disasters? She's an unfortunate girl.
Seven years ago, she crashed an
airplane in a mirror factory.
Broke 9,831 mirrors.
Point three, port, point five.
Point three, port, point five.
Point wherever you want to.
I'm going up here.
We are making a left turn. Why didn't
you say so? I'll put my hand out.
Go ahead, boys, we'll
pass on the other side.
Heigh ho...
It's all black here.
Ah, move over to one side. You in the
habit of standing before a mariner...
when he's looking through
his barnacle... monocle?
- Looks like a sea serpent.
- That's what I thought. Gimme that.
Just relax. I saw
it all the time.
Inhale. You're going too fast.
Look! Look! A boat!
We're saved! I told you my
luck's changed. We're saved! Yahoo!
Never a dull moment.
Here they are, folks. Martha Bellows
and her shipwrecked party...
are coming up the
side of the Gigantic.
Martha's rescue by her father's ship
proves even to us who can see him...
that Mr. Bellows
is almost human.
What a moment, for a father
to snatch his daughter from
the gripping jaws of death.
Why, hello, Pappy.
Where you been?
Quiet, frog-mouth. I'm
on a secret mission.
Where'd you get the pickaninny? Oh,
it's just a little thing I dreamed up.
Can't be your child. It's got whiskers,
and it smells like an old gum boot.
Miss Bellows, the Gigantic is
honored to have rescued you. Oh.
The captain doesn't know what boat
he's on. This is the Colossal.
Quiet, scum! I know
what boat I'm on.
- But, Mr. Bellows, you can see for
yourself. - The boat's all wrong.
Can't read that. They put
the letters on upside down.
I can assure you
it's the Gigantic.
Great Caesar's goat... ghost!
T.F.'s own boat. Throw her
overboard before we sink.
But you can't throw your own
daughter overboard. Why not?
Let the sharks protect
themselves. But, Daddy,
you don't understand. My
seven years' bad luck's up.
I take no chances. Don't
look in that mirror!
Don't look in the
mirror, Martha.
And she broke 9,000 of 'em!
Hey, where've you been?
Hey, boss, here are the records.
Oh, that's swell, Mike.
Hey, maybe we can glue 'em together.
Maybe we can glue 'em together.
- Well, that's that.
- Are you upset?
What have I got to
be upset about?
I'm in the process
of losin' $50,000...
and a boat that would need a
handicap against a lame sardine.
I go on the air in two minutes, and
none of my performers will perform...
because you talked out of turn.
All I said...
was that you were losing $50,000 on
the race. And what did they say?
They said you didn't
have $50,000.
Oh, they did, eh? And what did
you say? I stuck up for you.
I said you had more than $50,000... ten
dollars of your own, and their salaries.
And what d... Their salaries!
Oh, never mind. Look, take
this portable mike...
and go around the ship and
see if you can pick up something
from the passengers.
I'll vamp till you're ready.
Pick up the passengers?
Yeah... go away, go away.
Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few
moments, we start our daily broadcast.
I want you folks to relax
and have a good time.
We have quite a few jokes here on the
program, uh, I think you'll enjoy.
There's one here about
a little schoolboy...
that used to take a big
apple to the teacher,
and now he takes the
teacher to the Big Apple.
That's the first joke. I
thought you'd like...
Big Apple's a dance.
Let's try another one. It seems there
were two fliers in an airplane.
And one flier did
a loop-to-loop,
and the other flier fell out.
So the first flier looked down,
and he said, "Pardon me."
Pardon me. Yeah,
that's what he said.
Well, how do you do.
Could you please tell me where
they have the entertainment?
The entertainment? Yes. You go
right down the hall, and you m...
This is the entertainment. This is where
the broadcast takes place, right here.
Oh, well, I'm Honey Chile.
I'd like to help you out.
Well, I don't need much help,
but, uh... what can you do?
Well, I'd like to sing. I want
to be a singer in the worst way.
Mm-hmm. Probably will be. What kind
of a voice have you got anyway?
Yeah, but when I sing, I cry.
When you sing, you cry?
Well, uh, why do you cry?
'Cause I can't sing.
Oh, well, that's grand.
We won't bother with that then.
I have another little joke
that I think you may...
But I want to sing "Way
Down South in Dixie."
You want to sing "Way Down South in
Dixie"? What time's your bus leave?
I want to sing it right now.
Well, you go ahead and sing.
Step right up. I'll stand over here
so they won't think I'm beating you.
Way down south in
the land of cotton
Old folks there
are not forgotten
Look away, look away
look away, look away
Go ahead. We're still safe.
Oh I wish I was
in Dixie So do I
So you want to help me out. Why
did you decide on helping me out?
Well, you see, I had a
fight with my folks,
- and I want to do somethin'
to disgrace them.
Well, you probably
came to the right guy.
I think this audience would appreciate
something of a legitimate nature.
Do you do any dramatics? Oh,
sure, I can handle that junk.
Oh, you do that
legitimate trash, eh?
You haven't got a piece of Claudette
Colbert hanging around, do you?
Oh, yes, I have a little playlet.
I play all the characters myself.
You play all the characters yourself.
I play all the characters myself.
Is there an echo in here? Well, what
is that like? Well, I'll explain.
This is the villain, this is the
heroine and this is the hero.
You play all those yourself.
That's a nice, small cast. Let's see
that. We'd like to see that.
Is that part of the play? Yeah,
that's the curtain goin' up.
Heh, heh. Ahem.
Come, pay the rent.
Come, pay the rent!
But I can't pay the rent.
I can't pay the rent!
Come, pay the rent.
Come, pay the rent!
But I can't pay the rent.
I can't pay the rent!
I'll pay the rent.
I'll pay the rent.
You took the words
right out of my heart
And it was like a
bolt from the blue
You took the words
right out of my heart
When you said I love you
And then there's the one about the
fellow that went to the dentist.
He only had a dollar, so
they gave him buck teeth.
Please don't cry
Ah, wait a minute.
Here it is. For I
felt that way too
It's Dorothy Wyndham
by remote control,
caught unawares, and that's no
joke. The moment I saw you smile
I had the words and
you in my heart
There wasn't room
enough for the two
You took the words
right out of my heart
And left only room for you
There ought to be a law
against songs like that.
Why? It's not right.
Hearing you sing that is like reading
love letters intended for someone else.
It's dreadful when a letter's sent
to the right person by mistake.
But there's nothing we can do
about it, Bob. You mean Buzz?
As I was saying, in the first
12 hours, we came this far.
Altogether, we've only
come this far.
Another mile and you'd have
cracked my skull.
You're the captain.
Why don't you do something
about it? But, but, but, but...
You talk like a motorboat.
This situation calls for
immediate action. Gangway!
Suffering sciatica!
Where have you been?
Why didn't you stick with
me down in the bathroom?
I wanted you to scrub my back.
I'll see you in perdition first.
Eventually, but right now, we've got
to... Come over on the bridge with me.
Give me that hat. Here,
hold this. Hold that.
That's fine. Come on now.
Here, I want to show you this chart.
Do you know anything about it?
I know it backwards.
Your usual form.
Thank you very much. See,
we've been uphill up to now.
Once we get over the hump, we
coast right down into Cherbourg.
What's this Rand McNally?
Evidently an Irish possession.
Here's a snapshot of my
little daughter Martha,
taken at sea when
she was a babe.
That's enough! Brother
or no brother,
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
out you go!
I've been attacked! Wait'll
my lawyer sees this.
Wearin' magic perfume
On her... Surprise!
How do you like my costume
for the big dance number?
Don't get in front of the
mirror. Don't you think...
it fits my personality?
Uh, yes, just barely.
I'm so cute, I bet they put
my picture on the front page.
I'll never forget the last time you
had your picture on the front page.
Your mouth was
continued on page two.
Oh! Why did you cut yourself?
Ah, I wanted to find out
if I was anemic. Oh.
Gee, I feel so wonderful. What
a... What a form. What a figure.
Oh! Well, uh... I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry.
Any mirror can just
fall down and break.
Any, uh... It wasn't
my fault, was it?
Quiet! No! It wasn't my fault!
Oh, boy!
Ah, here's where we make a
couple of very dear friendships.
That is glass. Ah,
it's too clean.
Be very careful of that...
Look out. How do you do.
Yes, sir? Bring us
two whiskey sodas.
Yes, sir. Spoke to him
in his native tongue.
Move over, dear. That's all
right. I like that.
Oh, do you? That's fine.
Make it four whiskey sodas.
Don't put your hat
on the table.
As I was saying, Yes?
I was married to him for eight months.
I gave him the best years of my life.
Best years of her life. I only
wanted a million dollars.
Only a million. He
wouldn't give me a penny.
Where was your mother?
Couldn't come that day, I
suppose. But he'll pay,
and he'll pay through his nose.
Ha ha! Good.
They seem a bit snooty.
Very silly little girls.
They let it slip right
through their fingers.
Well, we'll be going.
We'll see you later.
Is that a tomato he's eating,
or is that his nose?
Evidently, they're insulted.
- You say anything to them?
- I never opened my mouth.
I've lost my hat. There
it is, up there.
Where? Ah.
I told you I lost it. Oh.
Good-bye! Good-bye, dear.
There it goes. Here, give me
that. You got a hat of your own.
What's the matter, darling?
Hello, Cleo.
What's the matter?
Little man had a busy day? This
is no time for wisecracks,
from you or anyone else.
$50,000. Well, what's $50,000?
Ahh, I'm goin' out and eat worms,
with salt and pepper and stuff.
Oh, wait a minute. Thank you.
Say, keep them coming, and give
her the cherries, will you?
Thanks for remembering. Say, make that
extra big so I can catch up with him.
You know, Buzz, I cleaned
up an old trunk yesterday,
and I found that green tie of
yours, the one with the stripes.
Really? Uh-huh.
You know something, Buzz?
What, dear?
I kind of miss your
singing in the bathtub.
Mm, good old bathtub.
Good old singing.
Thanks for the memory
of rainy afternoons
Swingy Harlem tunes
Motor trips and burning lips
and burning toast and prunes
How lovely it was
Thanks for the memory
Of candlelight and wine
castles on the Rhine
The Parthenon And moments
on the Hudson River line
How lovely it was
Many's the time
that we feasted
And many's the time
that we fasted
Oh well it was swell
while it lasted
We did have fun
and no harm done
So thanks for the memory
of crap games on the floor
Nights in Singapore
You might've been a headache
but you never were a bore
I thank you so much
Thanks for the memory
of China's funny wall
Transatlantic calls
That weekend at Niagara when
we hardly saw the falls
- How lovely that was.
- Thank you.
Thanks for the memory of
lunch from 12:00 to 4:00
Sunburn at the shore
That pair of gay pajamas that
you bought and never wore
Say, by the way, what did
happen to those pajamas?
Letters with sweet
little secrets
That couldn't be
put in a day wire
Too bad it all had
to go haywire
That's life, I guess
I love... your dress
Do you? It's pretty.
Thanks... For the memory
Of faults that you forgave
Rainbows on a wave
And stockings in the basin
when a fellow needs a shave
I thank you so much
Thanks for the memory
Of gardens at Versailles
And beef and kidney pie
The night you worked and then came
home with lipstick on your tie
How lovely that was. Huh?
For the memory of
lingerie with lace
Yes and pilsner by the case
And how I jumped the day you
trumped my one and only ace
How lou... lovely that was
We said good-bye
with a highball
Then I got as
high as a steeple
Did you? But we were
intelligent people
No tears, no fuss
Hurray for us
Strictly entre-nous
Darling, how are you?
And how are all the little
dreams that never did come true
Awfully glad I met you
Cheerio and toodle-oo
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, Buzz! Buzz!
Darling. I know.
I know, dear.
Now what does that mean? That means
Robert Hayes' invention's a failure.
Oh, I wish I could be of some
help. Stumped by a short circuit.
Come on, Bob, it isn't hopeless,
is it? No, no, it's not hopeless.
But that'll take
a month to find.
By that time, the trip will
be over and so will what
I laughingly call my career.
Poor Bob. Oh, excuse me. I
thought I was someplace else.
Well, so long. Just remember
where you left off.
Hey! Hey, come back here!
Come on! There you go.
Do you mind if I sort
of pass through?
I thought this was a thing that went
around the whole thing up there,
and it came... I just wan...
I, I guess I must've busted
somethin', huh?
Well, how much will it cost to
have fixed? My dream girl! Eureka!
Hey, I resent that.
My dream princess!
Whoo! Your nose is cold.
What is it? The tip
of Bellows' umbrella.
- The short circuit I couldn't locate.
- What's all the kissin' about?
Don't you understand? You found
the tip of the umbrella.
I, I... Whoo! I'll be right
back. Where you going?
I'm gonna get more umbrellas.
Boy, oh boy!
- Hey!
- I'll be right back.
You think it'll start now?
I don't know. We can try.
Cross your fingers.
- Oh, that's great!
- Oh, Bob!
Although I am a veritable
tyro at the game,
I will make an exception in your
case and make a small wager.
Right, sir. Any amount?
Ah, that's a bet.
Yes, but, uh, how much? Shall
we say a pound? Make it a ton.
Ah, there's too much loft on
that cue. Go ahead. You shoot.
Imagine a man wearing a
roller towel for a hat.
Got a little soap
in your pocket?
Maybe you don't... use soap.
It's all right. Go ahead.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Look here. I think we ought to
toss for it. Oh, very well.
Head or tail? Um, head.
Tail. Your break. But
I didn't see it.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
There. Oh, yes, yes.
Well, you win. Yeah.
Uh, just hold my coat
a minute, will ya?
Thank you. It's my next shot.
Thanks. Go ahead.
Don't put it down. Got some
valuable papers in the pocket.
Go ahead. Shoot.
Very difficult for me.
Yeah. Ah!
Look out there.
Ah! Oh, I seem to have missed.
Yeah, I think you did.
Yes. Now...
And now it's my shot. Don't
shoot yet. Wait a minute.
I haven't finished
shooting yet.
I say, is the ship
rolling slightly,
or am I a little bit Bosky?
Tell me, which pocket
were you aiming for?
Ah, ah, ah. I'll tell
you in a minute.
That's fine. I played them all.
Here you are.
Let me get my cue.
Got a match? No.
Ah, hold that. That's okay.
No, thank you. Chocolate Sauce?
Yes, please.
Where are you?
Just behind you.
Stick around. I don't want you
to say I cheated afterwards.
Wait a minute now.
There she goes.
That's fine. Now then.
What this ship needs
is shorter cues.
Wait a minute. Don't go away.
Don't go away.
Stand right where you are.
Wait a minute.
Okay. Side pocket, maybe.
Wait a minute. I don't
know which side yet.
Lucky shot.
- Ripping. - Often wondered what
that porthole was there for.
Fore! Look out!
Aimed at the chocolate
and got the vanilla.
Here, hold this.
You're doing nothing.
Thank you, beautiful. Why,
you silly old monkey, you.
Huh? Oh, he's all right if
you know how to take him.
Ah, I was afraid you
wouldn't be here.
Bring a wet towel next time.
Keep cool, dear. I'll bring a
wrap out for you in a minute.
I'll be back. Just get another
chair. I'll sit down with you.
Finishing up a game
of billiards here.
Don't put that down there! There are
some very valuable papers in the pocket.
What sort of papers?
Ah, cigarette papers.
Oh. Yeah.
Oop! Ha. Unfortunate.
I say, I wonder what
made it jump out.
I wonder, I wonder. Wouldn't
have been any good anyway.
You forgot to call your shot.
I say, see here.
You're making me look like a bally
clotheshorse. I feel so silly.
You don't look silly. You don't think
I'd trust every Tom, Dick and Harry...
with my valuable papers.
Yeah, but my name's Harry.
Well, I would make an
exception in Harry's case.
It's a draw shot.
Give me that hat. You look like
the two-headed boy in the circus.
Stand clear.
Now what have you done? How do you
expect anyone to play pool...
on a moth-eaten, torn
table like that?
Is there a lawyer on the ship?
Oh, Scoop, darling. Look at
the moon. Isn't it glorious?
Yeah, it's a right
fair sort of moon.
Ah. A night like this
does things to me.
A night like this? Yes,
it's the magic of it all.
O Romeo, Romeo!
I swear by yon inconstant moon,
whose silvery beams besmears
the lost horizon...
"Besmear the lost
horizon." besmears.
That's what I thought. Oh,
won't you be my Romeo?
Yeah, sure. We will
rehearse the death scene.
What is this strange power
I'd like to have over you?
- Yes, sir?
- Yes, sir? Yes, sir?
I've been kissed by a tunnel.
Well, it's that thing, that...
I just can't help it.
We were fated for each other
And in spite of your
masculine charm
You remind me of my mother
I'm an innocent
babe in your arms
Your lips like wine
Caress me, lover mine
Tonight we live
Little mother
please forgive me
Mama, oh mama
That moon is here again
That boy is near again
and I'm just a girl
Oh mama, dear mama
I'm counting up to ten
I always do that when
my brain's in a whirl
One, two, three, four
five, six, seven, eight
Whoo! I can't go
on Neither can I.
My heart is gone
Oh mama, dear mama
Please don't wait up for me
I'm glad I took the key
that moon's here again
Oh mama, dear mama that
moon is here again
That boy is gone again
and I'm all alone
Oh mama, hey mama
Don't blame your angel child
Ah, the moon has got me wild
And I'm on my own
One, two, three, four
five, six, seven, eight
Ready or not he
shall be caught
Ho-ho mama, dear mama
I know you'll understand
I'm only human and
that moon's here again
Mama, oh mama that
moon is here again
That boy is gone again
And I'm all alone
Oh mama, dear mama
Don't blame your angel child
That moon has got me
wild and I'm on my own
One, two, a-three-a a-four-a
a-five-a, a-six-a, a-seven, a-eight
Whoo! I can't go on
Ohh. Ah!
Aw, gee whiz, kid,
my jinx is up now!
What's new, kid?
Ma! Mama, oh mama
That moon is here again
Those boys are here again
and I'm just a girl
Mama, oh mama, don't let this...
Oop... me now
Say I could kiss a cow that's...
Oop! Ooh! Ooh!
Aw, gee whiz, kids, come on.
I'm tryin' to be friendly,
that's all. Ma!
What's playing here, Satchel?
Come on, break it up,
will ya, fellas?
I-I... I'm a sweet kid. Oh!
One, two, three, four
Five, six, seven, eight
I can't go on... Whoa!
My heart is gone
Oh mama, dear mama don't
wait to see me now
I'm glad I took...
Good night, all.
Hello, everybody... and folks.
You. And I do mean you.
First comes our report of the big
race with the S.S. Colossal.
Oh, I forgot. We've stopped
giving those.
Ah, ah, ah. No, we haven't.
This is Buzz Fielding speaking,
and I'm not going to say
anything about the race...
except that we're gaining with
every turn of the turbines.
You have something? Oh,
hold your breath, folks.
Say, we've just gained 200
miles on the Colossal.
If we can keep this up, why,
we'll pass her before morning.
Two hundred miles!
Isn't that marvelous?
Boy, I tell you.
Boy, you get a certain satisfaction
when you stick... You gotta...
You g... Oh!
She played her cards right,
and I gave her a diamond tiara.
You know, Mr. Bellows,
there's something awfully big about
you. Oh, thank you. Thank...
Uh, thank you. After you, dear.
Oh, thank you.
The door sticks there.
Stand by to reduce speed. Fog's so thick
you can't see your hand in front of ya.
What's the matter with
your hand? Nothing.
What do you want to look at
it for? Full speed ahead.
As captain of this ship...
You're fired.
You can't discharge me in mid-ocean.
I can kick ya in mid-ocean.
Mr. Bellows! There are icebergs
in these waters and other ships.
We must reduce speed. If you'll
step into the chart room,
I'll prove it to you.
After you, dear Captain.
After you, dear Captain.
Why, thank you.
Show that to your lawyer.
I got rid of him.
How many feet has he got?
Kicked an officer with his
cap on. That's mutiny.
Come with me, dear. We'll
go up the poop deck.
- Mr. Bellows!
- Ahoy, boy!
Step on that gas. Sorry,
sir, but this is a diesel.
Step on the steam.
Step on the diesel.
Don't answer me back. I'll crack
your skull with a belaying pin.
Why, Mr. Billows! Ah,
Bellows is the name, dear.
Yes. What's the matter with
this thing? It won't work.
I put a dollar and a quarter in here
this morning and only got a nickel out.
What number you playing?
Maybe that's the catch.
I'll just... Mutiny! Is
my lawyer in the house?
$40 million and a
ten-cent-store ax!
Oh, popsicle! An iceberg!
Pretty thing, isn't it? But
there are two of them!
Ah, they breed like rats.
Wait'll you see me go right in between
these two without scratching a fender.
Huh? I beg your pardon. I
didn't hear you, dear.
Where's she gone?
Probably fell overboard.
Watch this one.
Look out, fellas.
Look. I'll work
it with my feet.
Ought to put lights on those
things. It's awfully dangerous.
Let go there. Would
you go or not?
Just think, ladies
and gentlemen,
we're skimming over the water at the
amazing rate of a hundred miles an hour.
What a world of speed we live in.
Everything's been speeded up,
What a world of speed we live in.
Everything's been speeded up,
everything except the waltz.
Dances come and dances go,
but whether slow or hot,
very soon the latest dance...
Is deader than the turkey trot
But if any of you
were alive in 1785
You remember how people
were shocked and aghast
At a thing called the waltz
It was too, too risque.
The papers predicted
it never would last
But it's here today
And here to stay
Years go by the waltz lives on
You and I could
dance till dawn
Then we part but in my heart
The waltz lives on
Lovers never weary of
Waltzing while a moon's above
For it's still
the song of love
The waltz lives on
It's too old-fashioned do
the polka, do the polka
Dances come and dances go
But the waltz lives on
Lovers never weary of
Waltzing while a moon's above
For it's still the
song of love...
Rhythm, rhythm rhythm,
rhythm, rhythm
A dance to do up
there in Harlem so
Someone started truckin'
Do-bop-da 'n da 'n da-day
As soon as the news got round
Folks downtown came
up to Harlem saw
E-E-Everybody truckin' oh
It didn't take long before
Do-bop-la chi-da-dida
chip chip chi-da-dida
Over town you'll see them
scufflin' and truckin' along
Whoa, spread like
a forest blaze
Became a craze
thanks to Harlem now
E-E-Everybody's truckin'
Years go by
The waltz lives on
You and I could
dance till dawn
Then we part but in my heart
The waltz lives on
Lovers never weary of
Waltzing while a moon's above
For it's still
the song of love
The waltz lives on
Lovers never weary of
Dancing while a moon's above
For it's still
the song of love
The waltz lives on
Well, I never expected
to see this day dawn.
You're not seeing
much of it at that.
What's that noise anyway? Roaches.
Been keeping me awake all night.
The boat's full of'em.
Ten baby fingers
and ten baby toes
A mother 'tis a five-cent
friend after all
We're finally through, sir.
Oh, good.
Have to know how Eh?
Drat that whale.
It's been blowing its nose in my face
all night. What are you doing? Let go!
Land ho! It's Cherbourg, sir.
Ah! Where'd you want to go?
Cherbourg, of course.
Here we are. What are
you kicking about?
There's the Colossal
ahead, sir.
And by the grace of
Bellows'guardian angel.
If I'd listened to you, we'd have
probably landed in Lake Titicaca.
Why don't you smile, darling?
You have everything you want.
The boat's winning... money.
Yes, everything but you.
And that's everything.
But, darling, you weren't
afraid to ask me before.
Hooray! Hooray!
Bob, darling, he doesn't
want me. He wants Cleo!
Oh! Oh!
Vive la France!
Oh! All right. Fine. Fine.