Big Trouble (2002) Movie Script

God said to Noah, "I am going
to put an end to all people
"for the Earth is filled
with violence because of them.
"You are to bring into the ark
two of all living creatures
to keep them alive with you. "
In other words, life is hard,
so you better find someone
who will be your partner.
Eliot Arnold's story
is a lot like Noah's,
except Eliot's story
takes place in miami.
You just can't beat these
when they're really fresh.
Anyway, Eliot should probably
tell you exactly what happened,
because I was locked in the trunk
of a police car for part of it.
my name's Puggy,
and I live in a tree.
I hope I didn't ruin anything
for you.
Man; I look at this ad,
and it doesn't say
"Fish Hook Ale" to me.
This sucks.
Bruce, what
I'm trying to do -
Do you know what
my business philosophy is?
No, Bruce,
what is it?
my business philosophy
is that there a lot of people
in the world.
That certainly
isn't -
And all these people
want something.
Do you know what they want?
Well, I -
They want to feel good.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, I -
No, you don't know
what I mean,
because I gave you
the perfect concept,
which is not
this piece of shit here!.
What the hell is this?!
Why are you saying "ugly"?!
I don't want to see ugly!.
That's not the feeling
I want!
W- What I'm doing here
is - is contrast
in a humorous fashion.
"Get hooked on Fish Hook" -
that's the concept!
You got a guy and a boat
and a girl.
The girl's in a bikini.
She has big tits.
They're on a boat, getting
shitfaced, drinking Fish Hook Ale.
The girl
has really big tits!
The feeling of this ad is
somebody's going to get laid.
It's perfect.
I gave you the perfect concept.
And you give me ugly?!
All right, all right,
Bruce, I'll try -
No, no. Don't tell me "try. "
I hate the word "try. "
"Try" is for losers.
Listen to me, you are not the
only ad agency in this town!
Eliot: A year ago,
I had a nice house,
a beautiful wife,
and a job I really loved.
Now I was being called a loser
by this guy.
For 18 years, I wrote a column
for The Miami Herald -
funny stories the higher-ups
referred to as "offbeat. "
Deeber wants
to see you.
Eliot: Because I'd won two Pulitzer
Prizes for my offbeat stories,
I was pretty much left alone
and treated with a great deal
of respect...
until Ken Deeber came.
- Eliot...
John Croton tells me you still
haven't turned anything in
on the day-care crisis.
Yeah, Ken, listen,
I figure with five people
already working
on the day-care crisis story,
our readers pretty much know
there's a crisis in day care.
- Eliot, you were given an assignment.
- I know that.
The pelican story?
No one else has it.
This old Cuban guy
is training pelicans -
To drop bombs
- the most asinine thing I ever heard.
Come on. He tried to
kill Castro with a bird!
Eliot, I gave you an
assignment, and you will do it.
Or what, Ken?
Well, if you want to continue
working at this newspaper,
you will put something
in here before you go home.
Why don't I put something
in there right now?
Eliot: Deeber picked
the wrong day to be a jerk.
Earlier that day,
I had found out
my wife was having an affair
with her tennis instructor.
In retrospect,
I should have written
the day-care crisis piece
and never opened
Eliot Arnold Advertising.
And if you think I'm gonna pay
for this stupid shit,
you can forget it!
I'm not paying for ugly!
I can get ugly for free!
It goes without saying,
Dad, I need to borrow
the Geo tonight.
Hello, Nigel.
How's London?
Ah, could you hold on, Nigel,
just for a moment?
This is a really important
call - long-distance.
Listen, I want to see it
tomorrow, and it better be right!
All right, Bruce. I think we
got it, uh, well on its way!
- Good!
Hey, matt, how you doing?
Dad, can w-we borrow the
stupid Geo tonight or not?
Because me and Andrew
have to kill a girl.
"Andrew and I
have to kill a girl. "
Thank you.
Yes, you can borrow
the Geo tonight,
but I need it back at my
apartment at, uh, 10:30, okay?
- Okay. - And I want you to
promise me that you'll drive -
Eliot: matt wasn't mad at me
because of the divorce.
He was mad
because I bought a Geo.
Sweet little vehicle.
Just get divorced?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
42 miles to the gallon,
am/fm radio.
I'll even throw in
the undercoating.
Anything else
you'd like to know?
Yeah. How many clowns
can it hold?
Eliot: To matt, the Geo was
a 48-mile-per-gallon symbol
of my bad luck, wrong choices,
and missed opportunities.
Little did I know that my shot
at a second chance
had just arrived in miami
onboard Flight 57
from New Orleans.
The suitcase
was sandwiched between
a quarter-ton of frozen crawfish
and a dalmatian that gave birth
to a litter of 17
over Lake Okeechobee.
The dalmatian
made the evening news.
The suitcase didn't.
What is it?
It looks like
a garbage disposal.
So this is miami, huh?
They can keep it.
You got that right.
Eliot: That's a Remington
30-aught-6 hunting rifle
with a Bushnell scope.
Charlton Heston takes his
to shoot bighorn elk.
Henry Desalvo
and Leonard Ferroni
take theirs to shoot anyone,
as long as they're paid
25 grand apiece.
We play with a guy
that cheats.
Eliot: Actually, Henry and
Leonard didn't play golf at all.
Will you come on?
We've got an early tee time.
Eliot: They were in miami
to kill a man named Arthur Herk,
who had stolen money
from his employer.
Puggy arrived in miami
the same day as the hit men
and the suitcase,
but for a much different reason.
A week earlier,
at his place in Boston,
Puggy read an article
in Martha Stewart's Living
that said miami had some
of the finest Cuban restaurants
in the entire world.
Since Fritos
were his favorite food
and corn chips
as close to Cuban cuisine
as Puggy had ever eaten,
he decided to hop a fishing boat
and check it out.
Puggy could not have been
After only 20 minutes in miami,
Puggy was already thinking
that this had to be the warmest,
friendliest place on Earth.
You stink.
Beer and a bag of Fritos.
man on television:
She ran track for 10 years.
Woman on television:
She definitely has the legs...
I tell you once before,
you two, out!
Look, man, we got money,
and we'll take however
this much here will get us.
Eliot: Snake Dupree
and Eddie Leadbetter
had met two years earlier
at the state prison
just outside Louisville.
They hit it off immediately,
having similar tastes in humor.
man on television: You know,
I don't know how long she's been
into strength conditioning.
But she's been into conditioning
for a long time
because she ran track for 10.
Woman on television: Listen to
the crowd. They are so into it.
Is there a problem,
Give me that back.
Look, man,
this ain't your problem.
You are problem.
He broke my ankle.
- I break your head.
- I'm going.
Next time
I see you again...
you're dead.
You can stay.
They took all my money.
It's okay.
Free beer.
Aluminum, huh?
We sponsor
girls' softball team.
You want to make $5?
That too.
Is not for us.
Package deal -
suitcase or nothing.
Lay it down gentle
so as not to fall.
Come back tomorrow 1:00.
maybe I have more job
for you.
After only one day in miami,
Puggy had
a more satisfying career
and lived in a better
neighborhood than I did.
Sound system sucks.
Why'd your dad buy a Geo?
He thinks he's a loser,
so he bought a loser car.
Besides, he's a dork.
Super Soaker 600 holds
a gallon of water,
accurate up to 50 feet.
So, what's the plan -
through the front?
"It's matt Arnold.
I'm here to kill
your daughter, Jenny. "
No, we gotta go over
the wall, dickweed.
I just hope she doesn't see
this stupid turdmobile.
Martha Stewart;
Spread it out on your bed...
Where's Arthur?
I haven't seen him
since his third scotch.
...These corners
are in the inside corners.
And there.
A rather clumsy task is
accomplished in no time.
It's a good thing.
T alk to me, martha.
Good night, Nina.
- I was wondering
if you'd like a drink.
Something with tequila?
Eliot: Arthur Herk -
one of the few Floridians
who was not confused
when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
No, thank you, mr. Herk.
I'm very tired tonight.
Of course you are,
because you work so hard,
you're on your feet
all day.
A woman's feet
are very important.
Let's have
a foot massage.
But, mr. Herk,
mrs. Anna -
Oh, it's okay.
She's watching television.
And I'm not gonna tell her
that I was here,
and you're not
going to tell her either,
are you, Nina?
Your strong,
sturdy ankles,
your proud peasant arches.
let me clean your toes
with my tongue.
Nina! Nina...
Come out of there.
This is my house.
You work for me, and I
want to suck your toes.
Hope they don't have
a dog.
Eliot: As it happens,
the Herks did have a dog.
His name was Roger,
and he was the random result
of generations
of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
For the past three months,
Roger had eaten nothing but dirt.
That was when the most evil
being in the universe
entered his life.
Under the influence of the
toad's hallucinogenic chemicals,
Roger thought his furry butt
was a 24-ounce porterhouse.
...Nice cut of meat.
And notice how it is nice and
thick all along up till about here,
and then it kind of tapers off.
She looks like
she has nice feet.
What are you watching her
cook for, anyway?
All you know how to make
are reservations.
Good one, Arthur.
Leave her alone.
I'm gonna see what else
is on.
They have a dog.
Hope they don't have a dog.
They have a dog.
Come on. Get outta here,
you mangy...
That's our guy.
Kill him now, we make
the 11;40 back to Newark.
I can't. He's too close
to the women.
Yeah, you don't
shoot him soon,
I'm dead
from these mosquitoes.
Look at this thing.
He's the size of a Buick.
- She.
- She what?
The mosquito is a she.
How the hell
can you tell that?
Discovery Channel.
Only the female mosquito
sucks your blood.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
I'm going to my room
where it's not so -
I don't know - stupid.
Good night, mom.
Aw, good night, honey.
I think I'll let Roger in
and go to bed, too.
Here we go.
I'll witness from here
in case her dad shoots us.
With what,
the remote control?
This is miami.
He has a gun.
We got an interloper.
Not a problem.
- Good night.
Hey, Jenny!
You son of a bitch!
You leave her alone!
- Leonard?
Uh. Oh.
I don't want any trouble.
me neither.
It was a gift
from the wife.
You don't want to be holding
that when the police get here.
I'll go around back.
Got it.
You son of a bitch!
Everybody, hold it!
Son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey!
Stop it!
It's all right, Walter.
What happened?
- This person tried to kill us.
- No.
No. It's me. It's matt Arnold.
I'm in her Biology class.
It was a squirt gun.
It's a squirt gun.
Oh, shit.
We have this game
at school - "Killer. "
You get somebody's name, and
you're supposed to squirt them.
In their house at night?
What kind of a game is that?
It's about time
you putzes got here.
- And your name is?
- This is my house.
Good for you.
Your name is?
Arthur Herk.
I know the mayor.
What took you people
so goddamn long?
We came as soon
as we got the call, sir.
my TV.
He broke my TV.
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna make you pay for that,
and you're gonna go to jail!
- It was a squirt gun, sir.
- What?!
Squirt - squirt gun.
It's a good thing
you ran away, Arthur.
You might have gotten wet.
Shut up!
Monica; Easy.
Don't tell me easy!
This is my goddamn house!
And these are my handcuffs,
and if you don't take it easy,
you'll be wearing my handcuffs
in your goddamn house.
That's right, sir.
One at a time, starting
with mr. Killer over here.
What happened?
me and Andrew were outside.
- "Andrew and I."
- Thank you.
Who's Andrew?
Andrew's nobody.
So you were outside
with a squirt gun
and an imaginary friend?
Okay. So you and your
imaginary friend are outside.
- Then what happens?
Officer Kramitz, would you
please go see who that is?
You'll be okay?
Uh, Jenny's mom
opened the door,
and I came running up
to squirt her.
And then, uh,
mrs. Herk jumped me -
or jumped on me.
And, uh, and then
I went down on Jenny -
or I f-fell on Jenny.
This guy says
that his son is here.
I'm Eliot Arnold.
I got a call from Andrew.
You all right, matt?
the imaginary friend?
Arthur; Yeah, well,
you better have a good lawyer,
because your dumb-ass son
broke my TV.
That's an RCA
39-inch horizontal!
35-inch diagonal.
Could somebody just tell me
what happened?
I was trying to sh-
squirt Jenny,
and her mom jumped me.
Jesus, matt.
Look, I'm sorry
that my kid squirted
your daughter.
I- I mean, I'm - that
he - that he got her wet.
I mean,
the way he described it,
I thought
it was just a game.
Hey, kids - you know.
Yeah? Well, your jerk-off kid
is going to jail.
take a look at this.
Who shot the TV?
Shot it?
Nobody shot it.
Well, this is a bullet.
Monica; Wait a minute.
matt, when you and your
imaginary friend were outside,
- did you see anyone else?
- No.
mrs. Herk, do you live here
with anyone
besides your husband
and your daughter?
Well, there's...
Where's Nina?
Anna; Nina?!
my God,
the woman of the house.
I have to go.
Nina? That's you?
What's your name?
I don't think they know
I live here.
I won't tell.
There was another shooter.
Man; What do you mean?
What do I mean?
What do you mean,
what do I mean?
I mean there was another
shooter, is what I mean.
So, did you take care
of the job or not?
Well, did the other shooter
take care of it?
Hold on a second.
- Not right now, okay?
It's cool, man.
Yeah, I'm here.
We want this job finished
as soon as possible.
You got that right.
I'll tell you who did it.
It's probably
some goddamn kids.
'Cause these goddamn kids
today -
they all got goddamn guns,
and they're all sniffing glue!
Any additional insights,
mr. Herk?
Any information can
help us to protect you.
I seriously doubt that you or any other
member of the police force in this town
could protect their own dicks
with both hands.
Thank you
for that observation.
I'm not gonna
arrest you, Matt,
unless mrs. Herk
wants to press charges.
Hey - kids.
I want to press charges!
Cuff him!
my hands are kind of full
right now,
what with holding my dick
and all.
This "Killer" thing's
really stupid, matt.
Yes, ma'am.
Good - now you
and your shithead kid
can get the hell out of here
and never come back.
Thanks for everything.
I'll walk you out.
Go get the Geo,
will you, matt?
You have a Geo?
A metro, the LDl coupe,
or the hatchback?
my biological father
sells them in Tulsa.
If the salesman tried to pitch you on
free undercoating, it's total bullshit.
They fall apart
before they rust.
60% of the parts are made from
recycled plastic soda bottles.
It's true.
Listen, I'm sorry
my husband's such an idiot.
He's probably really upset
because someone shot his TV.
No, he's an idiot.
Do you think someone's
trying to kill him?
God, I hope so.
What does a guy like Arthur
do for a living?
He's an executive
at Penultra Corporation.
I did
an article on them once.
They built the jail downtown
where the plumbing doesn't work.
I called it
"Crapital Punishment. "
Eliot Arnold
from The Herald?
I used to read your column.
You were so funny.
What happened?
I lost my sense of humor
in the divorce.
How does a guy like Arthur
end up
with someone like you?
I married him
when Jenny was little.
my first husband
left us kind of early,
and we had to move to this
crappy little apartment.
And I met Arthur.
He was different then.
I keep looking up divorce
lawyers in the phone book,
but then I think about
that horrible apartment.
It's unavailable.
I live there.
Can I borrow this?
I'm totally into
The Seminal Fluids.
Arthur threw mine out
at the carwash.
He doesn't think it's music
unless somebody's
playing an accordion.
I'll drive.
I say we blame
the whole evening
on rap music and too much
violence on television.
You could yell at me if it'd
make you feel more dad-like.
I don't want
to yell at you.
Why don't we talk?
You and I -
let's just talk.
Come on.
Okay. mom wanted me
to remind you
that the alimony check
is due monday.
That wasn't so hard.
Look, Matt -
Dad, I messed up tonight.
Everybody messes up.
You know that
better than anybody.
So all I'm saying is
I don't think I need
any fatherly advice from you
about how to live my life
when you're not doing
such a hot job living yours.
Hey, we're talking.
Now it's my turn.
Up yours,
you little shithead.
Your turn.
I bring you some lunch.
Listen... I love you.
You see?
You see the difference?
You ask a guy
what he wants -
tits or an ugly fish -
see what he tells you.
- Probably...
- Tits! I gotta boogie.
Hey, she should
be leaning over
for maximum exposure.
maximum exposure...
Anna; Maximum exposure?
That's advertising
Oh, I see.
T o what do I owe
this pleasure?
Uh, did you happen to lose
a pair of reading glasses
last night?
I don't wear glasses.
Oh, well, then, I guess I
made the trip for nothing.
Nonsense. I'll need them one day
- not right this minute.
Well, things change.
I'll need them.
Um, hey, could I offer you
some coffee?
That would be wonderful.
It's more of a dare
than an offer, actually.
Did the police
find anything?
after meeting Arthur,
they figure
I'm the primary suspect.
How do you, uh...
like it?
Oh, light and... sweet.
I forgot my jacket.
Got room for a third?
No harm in asking.
I hope
I didn't hurt you.
No, no, that's -
Didn't know I was, um -
well, we should go.
Let's - let's, uh...
It's probably a good idea.
You should go.
Eliot: Later that day,
Arthur Herk stopped by to have
a friendly chat with his boss.
morning, douche bag.
Jesus. What happened
to your hair?
It's a wig, you moron.
Don't act stupid.
I know you know
what's going on.
Those dickwads upstairs
are trying to have me whacked!
Hey, hey, first of all, those
decisions are made way over my head.
And secondly, you stole money
from them, Arthur!
What do you expect them
to do?!
Look, bitch, you take that express
elevator upstairs to the top floor,
and you tell those sugar-cane-sucking
scumbags to lay off,
or I'm gonna blow the lid
on this whole operation!
You're putting me
in a very awkward position.
No, no, no.
No, no, no. No. No.
An awkward position
is what you're going to be in
when the FBl is shining a
proctoscope up your big, fat ass!
I have evidence,
and I'll use it!
He didn't have evidence,
but he knew
where he could get some.
And that made Arthur Herk
a very dangerous man.
Arthur may not have been
a genius,
but he did know that the bullet
that went through Xena's head
was meant for his.
Penultra Construction had arranged
for the hit when they discovered
Arthur had been skimming money
from the company.
Up until yesterday, Arthur Herk
had been their bagman.
we have a problem.
Can I get personal?
Oh, now you're asking?
Your daughter
really likes you.
Yeah. We have
a pretty good relationship.
The divorce, Arthur
- she doesn't throw any of that in your face?
Oh, I told Jenny a long time
ago that I wasn't perfect.
She tried
to accept my mistakes,
and I try to accept hers.
Sounds simple.
Well, I mean,
it wasn't that simple
when she came home with a
scorpion tattooed on her butt.
matt hates me.
He basically thinks
I'm a loser.
He called me a loser,
so I called him a shithead.
If we had bad teeth, we
could go on "Jerry Springer. "
So, what you're telling me
is that her mom beat you up?
Well, she's
in pretty good shape, man.
I mean, she could snap you
like a toothpick.
You -
don't stare at my boobs.
So, did they give you points
for the kill?
No, they said
it didn't count.
Well, I know this won't end
till it ends,
so I'd like to get this
over with.
You can squirt me tonight
over at Bayside.
I'll be outside The Gap
at around 8:00, okay?
And you - don't look
at my ass when I walk away.
I can't make
that promise.
"You can squirt me tonight
down at Bayside. "
You're gonna remember that line
when you're an old dude, dude.
- You looking at her ass?
- Yeah.
There's some things
I'd like to know.
For instance, who's the guy
running around with the rifle?
And who in the hell is the guy
jumping on me from out of a tree?
What guy in a tree?
That's what I'm wondering.
Look, you brought us
down here
to do a simple job -
in, out, bing, bang.
All of a sudden, I got
Geronimo running into the house
and Tarzan landing
on my coconut.
Your primary concern
is to finish this job
before a certain party
shoots his mouth off.
Excuse me.
Gentlemen, would you mind
putting out your cigars, please?
- Come again?
- I asked...
Would you mind putting
out your cigars, please?
As a matter of fact,
I would mind.
Well, you see, the reason
I ask - all due respect -
I got a great New York strip
sitting over there,
cost me $27 and change,
and it tastes like
I'm eating a cigar.
Listen, ace, number one,
you're eating a steak
at a place
called Joe's Stone Crab.
And number two,
there's no rule that says
we can't smoke.
Well, number one,
my name is not Ace.
And number two, I'm not
talking about rules here.
I'm talking about manners.
You see, there is no rule
that says
I can't come over here
and fart on your entree,
but I don't do it.
Why? Because
it's not good manners.
So I ask you again
in the nicest possible way
to please put out
the cigars, okay?
Thank you.
I hope you realize you've
just committed assault.
I know, I know -
you know, I remember a time
was you actually
had to hit somebody.
You go tell your employer
it's gonna cost him
another 10 G's apiece.
But we want this finished
as soon as possible.
Well, believe me,
we don't want to spend
any more time in this
garden spot than we have to.
Got that right.
Look at those wheels.
Douche bag's probably
some kind of drug kingpin.
Bet he's got a helicopter
and a big-ass boat
and a pad down in the Bahamas
like a tax shelter.
Stayed in one of them shelters
once. Didn't like it much.
I'm tired of living
foot to mouth.
Let's go to The Jackal.
There's something
I want to do.
I don't want to mess
with that bartender
and his baseball bat.
man on television:... In
the lightweight division.
Heather is from Woodland Hills,
What do you see right away?
man #2 on television:
She's got very good balance.
She's got
good muscularity.
She's going through
a routine right now.
Hello, Mr. Herk.
Something to drink?
I need a missile.
This for you?
This is personal missile?
What the flying shit
do you care?
Usually you drop money,
somebody else
pick up equipment.
What, are you keeping
a diary?
You got a goddamn missile
or not?
Right now,
do not have missile.
missile wery hard to get.
Well, I want you to try
wery goddamn hard
to get a missile.
You got me, comrade?
- You pay?
maybe I have item
for you.
What the hell is that?
Looks like
a garbage disposal.
Is big bomb.
Take a look.
I'm not long
for this place.
my brother's working security
at the airport.
Big time.
Oh, yeah.
Check this out.
Well, we're not
supposed to carry guns.
Well, we're not supposed
to drink on the job either.
All right. Let's reconnoiter
back here at 2100 hours.
man on radio: Just one brave
Gator fan to call.
Where are the Gator fans now?
All you Gator fans call
when you win.
But now that you lose, you don't
have the guts to call in.
I'm waiting for one,
just one...
What the hell are Gators?
Football - college.
- morons.
- mm-hmm.
man #2 on radio: I'm a
Gator fan, and I'm calling.
And what do you
have to say?
Well, you said we don't
have the guts to call,
and I'm calling.
That's it? You're calling
to say you're calling?
This town gives me
a headache.
Why do you think he'd
come here, a guy like that?
Good job, nice house,
plenty of cheese.
What - what's he doing
in a shithole like this?
maybe it's Happy Hour.
I might as well have a bucket
over my head.
Keep walking. Don't do
nothing stupid in there.
As far as I'm concerned,
this whole idea is stupid.
I think we got Gator fans.
Is that a squirt gun
in your pocket,
or were you happy
to see me?
So, where are we
gonna do this?
We don't want to make
a scene, like last time.
Well, there's a parking lot
behind the drugstore.
Sounds like a good place
to die.
maybe you could buy me
some lip gloss afterwards.
Are you staring
at her ass?
You're not?
Whip out your pistol,
Where do you want me
to shoot you?
Why don't you shoot her
in the crotch?
You could be like a couple.
This is a friend of yours?
How about I just shoot you
on your hand?
my first hand job.
- Freeze!
- move, move, move!
- Who's shooting?
Andrew, come on!
- Come on, Andrew!
Holy shit.
Oh, shit.
Eliot: At that very moment,
Officers Romero and Kramitz
were headed westbound
on Biscayne Boulevard.
Three months earlier,
they had been involved
in a scuffle with a crack dealer
at the very intersection
they were now passing through.
Romero's shirt had been torn
open in the altercation,
revealing a red bustier
from the Victoria's Secret's
"Desire" collection.
Kramitz had never gotten it out
of his mind.
So, I was thinking maybe you and
me could get together sometime.
Walter, do you want
to have sex with me?
Walter couldn't believe it.
Had he somehow found
the wormhole in the universe
that guys have been seeking
for eons -
the wormhole
that would allow him
to bypass all the talking
and talking and talking
and just do it?
Walter thought hard
about how he would phrase his
response to monica's question.
Well, I don't want
to have sex with you.
You're a married man.
Yeah, but not happily.
- Man with a gun.
Police! Put the gun down
right now!
It's not my gun.
Some guy -
Put down the gun!
I'm a very good student.
- Shut up, punk.
- Officer Kramitz,
he looks about as menacing
as a Backstreet Boy.
Can I talk to him
for a second?
What's your name?
Andrew Ryan.
Andrew Ryan, what are you
doing with a gun?
Some weird guy
was shooting at us.
He dropped it,
and I picked it up and ran.
Who's "us"?
my friends -
matt and Jenny.
Police! Police!
That's correct.
We are the police.
Jack Pendick,
Big Sky Security.
There was a girl
in the parking lot,
and they were gonna shoot her
with a gun.
Hmm. Let me guess -
a squirt gun, right?
Mr. Pendick, does this
firearm belong to you?
Have you been drinking
tonight, mr. Pendick?
Absolutely not.
Monica; Go get him, Walter.
Stick 'em up.
Remember me?
I ain't done
with you yet.
Open the cash register.
Reach for that baseball bat,
and I blow your head off.
Okay, Eddie, go get it.
Woman on television:
... A little bit too much.
The choreography is starting
to lag. There you go.
Get the big bills first.
Which big bills?
This one
or the other one?
- Where's the money?
- I have money.
What kind of bar is this?
Business very bad.
Is bad location.
Snake, check it out. It's
the kingpin with the Fag Jag.
You - give me your watch.
Oh... nice.
All right.
Now give me your wallet.
What's in there?
A bomb.
- Right.
- No, it's a bomb.
These guys are Russians,
and they sell bombs.
- Bombs? No bombs. Is bar.
- Is bar.
Hey, Eddie
open the suitcase.
What if it is a bomb?
Well, then you'll get blown
up, and nobody will miss you.
Open it.
Looks like
a garbage disposal.
Nah, it's a time-lock
safe thing.
Probably got drugs
or emeralds in it.
Snake, let's get
the hell out of here.
I think I hear one of them
silent alarms.
Are your wheels outside?
Give me the keys.
All right,
latch up the suitcase.
We're going for a ride.
Kingpin's coming with us.
No, no, no, you don't want me.
You don't want me.
You want these guys.
These guys are Russians.
- They have missiles.
There's - - Shut up, asshole!
Snake, I think we done
pretty good.
Why don't
we just call it a day?
We got an opportunity here,
Now, maybe you don't see it,
but I do.
And that's why I'm me,
and you're you.
This guy's probably got lots
of cool shit back at his place.
So that's where we're going,
and we're taking this with us.
I bet it's pure
14-karat gold in there.
It's heavy.
Snake; Pick it up.
- You...
Get back around here
with your friend.
That'll teach you to hit
people with baseball bats.
Sit down!
If you assholes try to call
the cops after we leave,
the next bullet
goes through your head.
Let's go!
...Gator fans.
And the Japanese doctor
you have Ed Zachary disease. "
And the lady goes,
"Oh, no, Ed Zachary disease.
What does it mean?"
And the doctor says,
"It mean your face look
Ed Zachary like your ass. "
Get it?
"Your - your face look
Ed Zachary like your ass. "
Who thinks
this shit up, huh?
man: The point is that all these
Gators ever do is talk trash.
Then when they lose, you don't
hear a peep out of them.
man #2: Well, I'm a Gator fan,
and I'm talking to you right now.
So what's your problem?
You said we don't have the
guts to call, and I'm call-
These guys need a hobby.
There's our guy.
And I believe that's Tarzan.
Where do you think they're
going - our boy's house?
"Ed Zachary. "
Officer, what's going on?
Well, we had
a little shooting,
but we got it under control,
Weintraub -
Heather Weintraub.
Pretty name.
I want to talk to your two
friends. Any idea where they are?
They probably went back
to Jenny's house.
Officer Kramitz!
Well, we gotta take care
of something.
Official business.
Code seven.
See you later.
Let's move!
Nothing to see here!
Let's go!
You ready to roll?
Let me drive, okay?
The house
where the TV got shot.
Didn't we
do this last night?
They're in the living room.
Strip poker. Strip poker -
now, that's a good game.
This is a stupid game.
Dad, no offense, but only a moron
would mistake that for a real gun.
You could've been killed.
And where's your partner
in crime?
- Andrew?
- He ran the other way.
Did anybody call the police?
Anna; I'm making coffee.
Do you want some?
I'll call the police.
New TV?
Arthur bought it
this afternoon.
God forbid he should miss
"Xena: Warrior Princess. "
If we don't shoot somebody
soon, I'm gonna forget how.
Let's do it.
Well, I suppose you're right.
Technically, it's not an emergency, but -
Woman; Please hold
and your call will be...
The police
just put me on hold.
I, uh, met with
a divorce attorney today.
Those kids won't be happy
till they get arrested.
We're friends of Arthur's.
Hello! Hello!
Your call is very important...
Everybody shut up!
Unless you wanna get shot
where the sun don't shine.
Don't think I don't know
where that is either!
A shot.
maybe the pantyhose gang
beat us to the draw.
- Again with the TV.
- Shut up.
Take that stupid thing
off your head.
Yeah, nice place.
What are you,
martha Stewart?
make yourself useful
and tie everybody up.
With what?
Woman; 911 operator.
- This is Eliot Arnold.
Well, I can only do a
slipknot, a double knot, and a -
What do you call it?
The bowman.
What do you want?
You going for eagle scout?
Tie 'em up.
Baptist church
two blocks over.
FBl Agent Pat Greer.
Alan Seitz.
How can I help FBl?
Well, you can tell FBl
where the suitcase is, Ivan.
- my name is John.
- Sure it is.
Your name is John,
and you're just a hardworking,
small immigrant businessman,
running a shithole bar
where you got... no customers.
- Bad location.
- Yes, it is.
I'd like to take a look around
the back room right there,
the one
with all the locks.
You have warrant?
Ain't that heartwarming?
You know, the way a man can
come here from another country,
and in just a short time
here in America,
he has embraced our way
of living to the point
where he wants to know
if we got a warrant.
Don't that just warm the cockles
of your heart, Agent Seitz?
It warms the shit
out of my cockles.
My cockles are burning.
We don't need a warrant.
You see,
we're operating under -
What's that thing called we're
operating under again, Agent Seitz?
Special Executive Order
That's it - Special Executive Order
768-04, which basically means that,
if it's a matter
of national security,
we can send a search party and
a Doberman pinscher up your ass.
I want lawyer.
Did you hear that,
Agent Seitz?
He want lawyer.
As is his right
under our Constitution,
which we hold sacred.
Want me to shoot him
in the forehead?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Just playing.
Come here.
my partner wants to shoot you
in the forehead,
which I have absolutely no
doubt that he can legally do
under Special
Executive Order 768-
- Dash 04.
- Dash 04.
Now, me, I'm thinking,
wouldn't it be better
if you just reached into
your pocket, got the keys,
and showed me around
that back room -
the one
with all the locks.
- Yes?
- Hi, mrs. Herk.
Do you mind
if we talk to Jenny
about something that happened
at Bayside tonight?
She's not in trouble, but it's
important that we talk to her.
- Oh, Jenny's not here.
- Do you mind if we come in for a minute?
No, no.
I- I mean, yes, I mind.
- I mean -
- monica.
What do we have here? If it
ain't a Dick and a Dickless Tracy.
You're making
a big mistake.
Story of my life.
What's happening?
Well, moron number one
is tying up the family.
So take the shot.
Well, I would, but moron
number two just came back
with a couple
of Miami's finest.
- Hold on.
Hold it a second.
We have a "Die Hard" situation
developing in the kitchen.
- What?
- There's a guy there in the kitchen.
A guy?
What - what's he doing?
Well, my guess is he's either
gonna whack 'em
with a rolling pin
or he's gonna bake 'em a cake.
It could go either way
with this crew.
Holy shit!
Betty Crocker's
got a squirt gun.
Let me look.
Forget about it. This is
better than Pay-Per-View.
There goes the warranty,
and here comes
The Iron Chef.
One wrong move, and you'll
be crapping lead for a week.
- Who are you?
- You talking to me?
- Uh-huh.
- I'm your worst nightmare.
I want you to lower the gun
and get the hell out of here.
Otherwise, I bust a cap
and drop this loser.
I ain't going nowhere without
that kingpin's suitcase.
Take it.
On second thought,
why don't you just waste him?
Better yet,
I'll do it for you.
moron number two just got
moron number one all wet.
I- I ain't never seen that.
They got enough stuff back there
to fight a war in North Korea,
but no suitcase, and Ivan
here doesn't seem to know
what suitcase
I'm talking about.
Ivan, I know
what you're thinking.
You're thinking you can use the
suitcase as a bargaining chip.
You tell us where it is,
we go easy on you.
I- I bet that's
what you're thinking.
Isn't it, Ivan?
Don't be a baby, Ivan.
It's just your foot.
It's what we at the bureau
call an extremity shot.
the victim survives.
They don't do so good with
what we call a torso shot.
What you think, Ivan?
You want to experience
a torso shot?
I tell you who has suitcase.
- I'd get a bolt lock for this.
There's some really bad people
out there.
We're out of phone cord.
What about him?
He's coming with us.
- So is she.
- No!
- Where are we going?
- The Bahamas.
I hear they go pretty easy
on kingpins in the Bahamas.
Excuse me?
There's 5 grand
in my pocket!
Kingpins ain't so tough.
What you driving?
Chevy Caprice with a 354 barrel
and positraction.
Not bad.
I'm not getting
into that Fag Jag again.
It's built by Ford now.
Let's go.
Eddie, you drive.
Britney Spears, in the back.
Let's go.
you're flying coach.
Got enough leg room?
Buckle up, ma'am.
Let's go.
I ain't never drove
one of these before.
It ain't a spaceship, asshole.
The gate.
No shit. Back up slow.
It'll open.
You got the brake on,
Don't call me...
- mrs. Anna!
Nina! They took Jenny!
Quick, quick!
Come on.
Here - grab this.
You don't wanna push - pull.
I'm going after them.
I'm going with you!
Yeah, me too.
I love Puggy!
Hey, wait.
Wait for me!
I'm the police!
monica, you got to
get yourself loose.
Call Dispatch. Tell them to
get somebody out to the airport.
- I'll handle this.
- Walter!
If you remember,
call that number.
Tell a miss Heather Weintraub
I might be late.
- Walter!
- Walter!
That boy leads an interesting
life, don't he?
What are you doing'?
He's attached to the cop.
That copper can't do anything to
us cuffed to that shelving unit.
Even though that shelf is
brass, it's not the cheap stuff.
All the phone lines are cut. We gotta
get outside and yell for the neighbors.
- Help me.
You can't make me!
Help me or I will crush you
like a goddamn bug.
Just take the shot and let's
get the hell to the airport.
You got it. The longer we stay
down here, the weirder it gets.
You got that right -
Weirdsville, USA.
- Damn!
- What the hell are you doing?
On three, we're gonna smash
this thing through the door.
Like shit, we are!
One, two...
That's glass, you moron.
You're gonna get us killed!
- ... Three!
- No! No! No, no, no!
- Did you get him?
- I think so. He went down.
- Cop went down, too.
- Goddamn dog.
Weirdsville, USA.
You got that right.
Get up!
Ugh! Ugh! It got my face!
It got my face!
We can get some help
if we can get this thing up.
You okay there, officer?
Who are you?
Pat Greer. Alan Seitz.
Yeah, that's Herk.
Can you uncuff me?
Not now.
mr. Herk, I'm with the FBl.
I need to know
where that suitcase is.
Oh, my God,
she's coming to get me!
- The dog, mr. Herk?
- No, her!
- Who?
- You know!
Herk! Herk! Herk! Herk!
Oh, my God!
She knows my name!
She knows everything!
She's coming to take my soul!
- mr. Herk, can you hear me?
mr. Herk, can you hear me?
This is very important.
I need to know
where that suitcase is.
Oh, God! Please don't let her
take my soul!
Please don't. Please.
What the hell
is he talking about?
I don't know.
How close did
he get to that toad?
Like face-first.
Bufotenine -
hell of an hallucinogen.
He's gone. He won't be coming
back any time soon.
- Discovery Channel.
- Oh, please, don't hurt me!
Listen, we have reason to believe
that mr. Herk had a suitcase,
possibly made of metal,
very heavy.
- Have you seen it?
- Yeah, they had it.
- Who's "they"?
- An idiot named Snake.
Him and a possibly even bigger
idiot took the suitcase,
two hostages, and what sounded
like my squad car, so -
- Where did they go?
- You wanna know?
- Take me with you.
- We don't have time for games.
This is a very important
federal matter.
if you don't uncuff me,
you can stick your very
important federal matter
right up
your big federal ass.
Turn right!
Can't you see the sign?
- You sure they said the airport?
- Absolutely. They kept talking about the Bahamas.
Did anybody open
that suitcase?
Not that I saw.
What's in it?
The guy we left back there,
the frog kisser -
Uh, actually, it's a toad.
Anyway, the toad lover's
an illegal weapons trader.
Weapons? That's what's in
the suitcase? You mean guns?
Well, how bad can it be,
right? It's a suitcase.
We're not talking about
a nuclear bomb, right?
Okay, we gotta pick a road.
Arrivals or departures?
We're arriving,
but... then we're departing.
Which one, Snake?
What do you think?
I think you guys
should turn yourselves in
and plead not guilty
by reason of stupidity.
It'll be okay.
- Dad!
Was that a goat?
- Where did they get that stuff?
- Russia.
- Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
- You'd faint if you knew.
A few months ago,
somebody got a warhead
out of a missile-dismantlement
facility in a place called -
Sergijev Posad -
not far from moscow.
Beautiful churches there.
Travel Channel.
Anyway, somebody who knew what
they were doing modified it.
Dumped it on some guys who run a
place here called The Jolly Jackal.
The bar?
That bar has more AK-47s
than Budweiser.
- So can they set it off?
- Best we know, flip three switches,
and you got 45 minutes
to clear out.
45 minutes.
man, I guess it was bound
to happen one day.
What makes you think
this is the first time?
Never mind
which time this is.
The important thing is we got those
assholes trapped at the airport,
and until we say further,
no plane is taking off.
You can do that?
Okay, let's go.
I'm gonna have this
pointed right at you,
so don't do
something stupid.
How would you even know
if I did something stupid?
I'll know. Believe me,
I can tell the difference.
Eddie, open the trunk.
If you don't do like I say,
you know what's gonna happen
to you, right?
- You're gonna shoot me?
- You got that right.
Okay, let's go.
Bring the suitcase.
I hope you're not gonna
give me a ticket for this.
If I don't see them,
I don't write them.
is very, very wrong.
Don't worry. They'll never make
it through airport security.
We're gonna miss our flight.
You see what the problem is?
I don't know. There's some
kind of commotion up there.
- There might be something
about it on the radio.
man: Not now, not tonight, but
when they play a game and lose,
I don't hear a peep
from Gator fans.
man #2: Well, you're not
hearing what I'm saying.
I'm saying
that I am a Gator fan,
and I'm calling you now,
So I don't understand
what the problem is,
- or are you just not...
Was that a goat?
Let's get
the hell out of here.
Woman on P.A.; Passengers,
please go to the exit...
Hey, Snake.
Man on P.A.;
Smoking is not permitted...
Well, we want to arrive
in the Bahamas,
but... we want to depart.
This is a joke, right?
Stop making fun of us,
Let's go.
We need four tickets
to the Bahamas,
next flight you got.
Nassau or Freeport?
The Bahamas.
Nassau and Freeport
are in the Bahamas.
Whichever's next.
There's a 10:50 flight
to Freeport.
Four one-way tickets
are gonna run you $360.
take it out of there.
Okay, I'm gonna need
the names of the passengers.
John Smith.
And the other passengers,
John Smith.
You're all John Smith?
I'll need
some photo I.D., sir.
There you go.
Okay, then, family Smith.
Have a nice vacation.
Step through, please.
Come on.
- Unh-unh.
Woman; Computer check.
Computer check!
Hold it.
Snake, this ain't
gonna work, man.
They got Xerox machines
up there and shit.
I'm so sick
of your bad attitude.
Just let me do
some thinking, okay?
Bag check.
Step through, please.
Bag check.
Computer check.
Computer check.
All right, step through.
Okay, let's go.
Step through, please.
Step through, please.
Bag check.
- Bag check.
Is this yours?
It's mine.
Bring it over here
and open it, please.
Do it.
Bag check.
What is this?
- A garbage disposal.
- Bag check.
- A garbage disposal?
- Portable.
- Bag check.
- Bag check.
You'll have to turn it on.
It's got a timer. Grounds up
your garbage while you're out.
- Bag check.
Bag check.
Bag check.
Bag check!
Let's go.
Over there.
They shot my radio!
Dad, the goat
kicked your Geo's ass.
The car is
a piece of shit, okay?
We're gonna get Jenny.
Goddamn goats.
Boy, does this town
give me spielkas.
You got that right.
This isn't gonna work.
If you can get up
to that service road,
you can hook over
to Douglas.
Well, see if this guy will
let me squeeze in front of him.
Excuse me!
Excuse me.
Got a little emergency.
You mind if we get through here?
Look, he's coming
to take our order.
- What do you guys want?
You ever hear of Special
Executive Order 768-04?
No, what is it?
It's a powerful
law-enforcement tool.
What country are we in?
All right, Anna,
you come with me.
you take Nina with you.
You see those idiots,
you come and get me.
- You got it?
- Okay.
What about me?
Find a cop.
I need help right now.
There's a hostage situation
here at the airport.
- Where?
- I don't know where.
Well, we can't help you,
can we?
- You got a twin brother works at Bayside?
- Maybe.
I need to use your phone.
That's for airport security
personnel and cops only.
I am a cop.
Can't you see the uniform?
- Where's your badge?
- It was stolen.
- Where's your gun, your flashlight?
- They were stolen, too.
Look, are you gonna help me, or are
you gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
Strip search!
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Fly By Air Flight 2038
to lovely Freeport
is now ready
for passenger boarding.
You can get on the plane.
Right this way.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a nice trip.
Ah, mr. And mrs. Kraft,
happy honeymoon.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, the John Smiths.
I'll check that for you.
I- I-I-I-It rides with us.
I- I-I-I-It doesn't
'cause it's too big.
FAA regulations.
You know, I just -
too big for most airlines,
I mean.
Right this way. Let me
help you with that crate.
Okay, right this way.
Come on.
Where's mr. Smith going?
Aw, screw it.
Let's go!
Get out of there!
Get in there.
Where's Jenny?
They took her
on the plane.
Matt; Dad!
They got on the plane.
They took Jenny.
Fly By Air, Gate J-4.
All right, find a cop.
Any cop!
Puggy, are you okay?
Welcome to Fly By Air
Flight 2036-
Flight 2038 to Freeport.
I'm Captain Justin Hobart,
and this is my copilot,
Jan Vigushin.
In a minute, we're gonna be
closing the door,
giving you a safety briefing,
then we'll be on our way.
Hey, how about we go now?
Sir, we have to finish
the preflight checklist.
It's for your safety, sir.
I got my safety
right here, asshole.
Okay, we're gonna
make this real easy.
This is how
it's gonna work.
Let's get the suitcase
out of here quick
and as quiet as possible.
Got it.
Your jurisdiction.
Well, miami sucks...
but the cops
are kind of nice.
You got that right.
Hey... start the plane.
Uh, we have to close
the door,
and we don't have clearance
from the tower.
I'll take care of the goddamn
door, zit-face.
Now start the plane, or I'll
blow your zit-face heads off.
- Snake.
- What?
Oh, shit.
This is Fly By Air
- 38.
- 38.
We have a man on the plane
with a gun.
Get going.
I don't have a runway.
- '09er looks nice.
- '09er it is.
Oh, my God, it's moving.
You got to go get help.
I got to stop that plane.
- Jenny!
- I'll get Jenny. I promise.
What? I can't find a cop.
Where's my dad?
Everyone please proceed
with caution.
This area has just
been hot-mopped.
Gastric incident.
- Please keep moving.
- FBl.
Step back, please.
We've had an incident.
Everyone proceed
with caution! B-
Name's Arch Ridley. Tell me what
you need. Please don't kill me.
We're tracking
a couple of scumbags
with one, maybe two hostages
and a big metal suitcase.
Anybody in this crackerjack system
of yours see anything like that?
Let me just check
on that.
- Man on P.A.; Would the owner
of a yellow Humvee
parked on the curbside...
Hello, Alice -
5 minutes ago, the tower got a
message from a Fly By Air pilot
saying he's got a guy
with a gun on his plane.
- What gate?
- Gate J-4.
I thought you said
all the planes were grounded.
Give me the wing commander
at Homestead.
Tell him we have a situation.
The plane's in the air.
All right.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Yes, I need all lines to stay
open between myself and Homestead.
mrs. Herk!
my daughter's on the plane
with that man,
and he tried to shoot at us,
and you have -
mrs. Herk, ma'am, listen, we need to know
where that metal suitcase is right now.
I don't know.
I don't know about a suitcase.
It's on the plane.
Did anybody open
that suitcase?
They made us turn it on.
What happened
when you turned it on?
Lights, little numbers.
What's that thing doing?
It means
the rear door's open.
I can't fly the plane much
longer with those stairs down.
Eddie, pull up those stairs
and close the door.
Eddie -
stop screwing around.
Okay, confirm
they got him on radar.
What does he mean
they have them on radar?
Give me a second.
You're gonna shoot
that plane down.
You can't do this. There's
innocent people on that plane.
If that nuke goes off over
Freeport, many innocent people die.
Now, nobody likes this,
But this has been discussed,
believe me,
as high as it can be,
every scenario.
- And this is the only way out.
- How soon?
When the plane is over the Gulf Stream
- three minutes.
- What about the kid's father? maybe he made it onto the plane.
- Let's say he did.
Is he, by any chance, familiar
with a Russian nuclear warhead
with a plutonium rod encased
in a terillium core?
I believe
he's in advertising.
Get up.
Get up, you lazy shit.
He's not lazy.
He's unconscious.
miami Tower, this is, uh...
Fly By Air 2036.
- 38.
- Whatever.
What did he say?
What? What?
They heard from the pilot.
H- Hang on.
You tell them get that suitcase
off the plane right now.
You understand me?
Right now!
Get the suitcase
off the plane!
The suitcase - get it off!
Get it off the plane!
All: Get the suitcase
off the plane!
Let go of the suitcase!
The kingpin will never let go
of the kingpin's suitcase!
It's a bomb!
It's a bomb!
Get it off the plane!
Have it your way!
It's gone!
The suitcase is gone!
Falcon One, Falcon One,
break off.
I repeat, break off.
Do you read?
Jenny; Mom, mom, listen to
this! It's totally incredible!
- It's the most amazing story.
- Oh!
You should've seen matt's dad.
Seriously intense.
He smashed that really dumb guy
on the head
with the fire extinguisher,
which was very cool.
And then that guy, Snake, he had
a gun, and he shot at Matt's dad.
Then Matt's dad started beating
the crap out of him.
Then Matt's dad said, like he
was some sort of action hero,
"He's not lazy.
He's unconscious... "
I had to outrun a plane
and subdue two convicts
with a nuclear weapon
to get matt's respect...
Good job, dad.
...But it was worth it.
Seitz; Mr. Arnold?
Agent Alan Seitz, FBl.
The president thanks you for
your selfless act of courage.
Because he can never admit to
knowledge of what happened here,
in lieu
of a medal of honor,
he'd like to send you
a pair of cowboy boots
with a "W" on them
and a hat.
Sorry for any trouble,
Eliot: Eddie Leadbetter
served his sentence
at a correctional facility
just outside Jacksonville,
and became very good friends
with his cellmate, Dwight,
who shared
similar tastes in humor.
Walter; Monica!
Walter Kramitz never returned
to the force.
Being naked in public
was a revelation for him.
Walter loves the attention...
Stick 'em up!
...But always tosses the pouch
to his new wife,
a miss
Heather Weintraub Kramitz.
Pretty name.
And with that,
I say good night.
Eliot: Henry and Leonard still
refer to the Arthur Herk job
as the low point
of their professional careers.
Woman on P.A.;
Your attention please.
Captain Lynch has informed us
that there will be a delay
due to an obstruction
on the runway.
I really feel
like killing somebody.
You got that right.
Eliot: We all go along
day after day,
when suddenly a bomb
drops into our lives.
Sometimes you can't get out
of the way.
it's a new beginning.
Let's take it slow.
We were married a week
after Anna's divorce.
What is it that brings
two strangers together
so that one soul
inhabits two bodies?
Sometimes it's profound.
Sometimes it's Fritos.
make her stop!
God in Heaven, make her stop!
She wants my soul!
Arugula! Arugula!