Billboard Dad (1998) Movie Script

Nice ride.
Hey, say hello to your dad for me.
l haven't seen the big kahuna
for a while.
Greetings from Venice, California.
Hi, I'm Emily Tyler.
I'm a lucky kid.
My sister, Tess, and I live
in the greatest place.
People come here
from all over the world.
But for us, this is our back yard.
This is Venice Boardwalk.
It's got cool shops...
...great places to eat,
and tons of interesting people.
It may not look like a typical
neighborhood. You'd be surprised.
These people are the greatest.
The real way to judge a place
is when things aren't good.
Years ago, it was a difficult
time for our family.
Everyone here really pitched in.
But more about that later.
-Hey, Tess.
My sister and I are a lot alike.
Some people can't tell us apart.
But we're really very different.
Tess is better at sports,
but I surf better.
My sister's left-handed.
I'm right.
Tess likes boys and I like boys.
Well, there's gotta be
some things we agree on.
And another thing we agree on. We got
about the greatest dad in the world.
Anyway, we're just a couple kids
from Venice, California.
It isn't just a cool place to visit.
It's our home.
Hey, Emily.
Have you seen the whisk?
We've lost the whisk?
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!
How can we go on?
-Do you know what a whisk is?
-Chefs use it to scramble eggs.
-Why not forks?
lt bruises.
Next you'll worry about hurting
their feelings.
Here. Watch.
Scramble, scramble, scramble....
-Scrambled eggs.
-No, no, no.
That is scrambled eggs.
-Dad's been working again.
-Let's bring him breakfast.
This is our dad. He's a sculptor.
Not a starving artist.
Maybe you've seen his work.
Since our mom died two years ago,
all he does is work.
That's great for his fans,
but not so great for us.
-Morning, Dad.
-Morning, Dad.
Morning, Monster. Munchkin.
Come here.
-Oh, you're so dirty.
-Dirty man. Dirty man.
-Oh, there it is.
l was looking for that.
lf l could find my blowtorch.
lt's under the coffeepot.
-You've been working all night again.
-all night, what?
ls it morning already?
See that bright stuff out there?
-Hear the birds chirping?
-Yes, yes, l do.
Oh, Dad, it's excellent.
-What happens here?
-You know, l'm not really sure yet.
I'm working more from sort of
a "feeling" place these days.
You can't work on an empty stomach,
so let's eat.
-Come on.
-Oh, look at this! Great.
You missed killer waves this morning.
El Nio sent some awesome 6-footers.
How come you never surf anymore?
You used to be first on the beach.
l don't know. l guess l just
haven't felt like it.
Are you meeting us for ice cream?
lce cream? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, sure. Why?
Lately, you seem kind of out of it.
No, l haven't been out of it.
l've been totally with it.
What is that?
Orange juice.
-Oh, my God!
-On cereal.
l wanted milk.
-lt's me. l forgot my key.
-What's the password?
l've got a client with me.
They love to tease me.
-Just go let him in.
-all right.
l discovered Maxwell as a student.
Classically trained but very hip.
Very now. Very cutting edge. Edgy.
This is Nigel, my dad's agent.
He's like family.
The kind of family that moves in
and never leaves.
Hi, Nige.
-And the password is...?
Where's your daddy? ln the studio
creating his latest masterpiece?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go sit down.
-Max Tyler.
-Enola Rubenstein.
As in the Rubenstein Foundation.
-Mrs. Rubenstein.
-Ms. Rubenstein.
The piece l want to show you
is right over this way.
-ls he single?
This one... breathtaking.
That's our mother.
-She was a ballerina.
Dad fell for her when he saw her dance.
lt was love at first sight.
Later he waited backstage with
a huge bouquet of roses.
And she flipped for him.
Who wouldn't?
And from that day on,
they were never apart.
Dad said every day with her
was magic.
How utterly romantic.
l must have him.
How much?
l'm sorry. This piece isn't for sale.
Nigel will let you know
what's available. Excuse us.
Artists. They're so temperamental,
so moody, so-- You know.
Call my contractor when the sculpture's
ready to be delivered.
There's an extra 25% for you
if you get me a date with Max.
Wish l could.
He hasn't gotten over losing his wife.
Yes, what a shame. What a tragedy.
And yet his anguish
keeps you in Armani.
-Ta, darling.
-Ta, dear.
Thank you!
The bank won't cash that
if there's slobber on it.
Nice suit!
-Another Rolex?
-Saw your new Range Rover outside.
How come Dad's still driving his old
Cutlass and you get a new car?
l have to look successful
in the circles l travel.
l don't want anyone l meet
to think...
...they're the first person
to write me a big check.
Now speaking of big checks, l think
l'll walk this one to the bank.
There's something fishy
about that guy.
Fishy? all you need is mayonnaise
and you've got tuna salad.
This is our swim club,
home of the Westside Squids.
Every year there's a diving meet
between the Squids...
...and our Palos Verdes rivals.
My sister, Tess,
is the team's best diver.
Me? I do okay.
And this is Brad, our swim coach.
Need I say more?
Great try, Emily. Better.
Thanks, Bod! l mean, Brad.
l never trained a more beautiful
and talented diver.
-Can l take you to the 7th grade dance?
-Pick me up at 7:30.
-lsn't Tess gonna dive?
See you later.
Put this on my back.
l don't wanna get sunburned.
all right already.
l'm not your slave girl.
lf you'd concentrate on diving like
you do on the diving instructor...
...we might have a chance to win.
l can't help it. He's a hunkasaurous.
How could you not think
he is totally delish?
-He's not her type.
-What is?
A man who can jam
Dude with a tude
A tower of power
Can rock the shower
-Rock what?
-l gotta work on my rhyming.
This is Cody.
We've known him since...
He lives in the neighborhood.
Cody has a big crush
on my sister, Tess.
She's the only one that doesn't know.
Two tickets to the No Doubt concert
next weekend.
My old man worked on their album.
l got backstage passes.
That's so cool! My favorite band.
Good, l was hoping
you might be up for it.
We can't go
without a responsible adult.
-My au pair. She's 18.
-She said responsible.
Your au pair used to be a groupie.
Your dad met her on tour.
Tess, let's show 'em how it's done.
Hey, Jules. Hey, Kristen.
Who's that?
-Some new kid.
-l heard he's from Holly-weird.
-Don't panic. l've got you!
-Let go of me, college boy, l'm fine.
How would you like it if someone
laughed because you fell in the water?
-Well, it was sort of funny.
-Yeah, hilarious.
l heard he goes to a special school
for problem kids.
-Heard he got kicked out.
-He did time at juvie hall.
One thing's for sure. He should be
arrested for crimes against fashion.
What is he doing?
That guy probably can't swim a stroke.
You don't even dive
off the high platform...
...and you're our best diver!
l think your reputation's safe.
This is our hangout, Van Gogh's Ear.
Dad took Mom here on their first date.
We came here so often,
Autumn named a sandwich after us.
Autumn! Autumn!
Hi, guess who we brought?
Hi, stranger. We missed you!
Hi, girls.
lt's good to see you.
lt's good to see you too.
Wow, look at this!
The place has not changed at all.
Thank you.
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey, Max, where you been, man?
Dude, you look like a fish belly.
You're in need of serious sun.
-l've been busy working.
Here, let's sit.
-Autumn, my dear?
Still make those famous
ice cream sundaes?
With cookie dough and three spoons!
-And marshmallow sauce.
-And whipped cream?
And nuts?
Yeah. Nuts.
Okay, well,
Tyler family special coming up.
This is a great idea, huh?
Get out of the house...
-...see all your friends for a change.
Maybe we can ride the roller coaster
at the pier?
l hardly ever throw up anymore.
Except yesterday.
And there's supposed to be
a pretty sunset tonight.
-Do you girls remember your mother?
Of course we do.
No, l mean...
...l mean really remember her?
Remember her laugh?
How her hair smelled?
Just how full of life she was.
l remember Mom would make us all drive
to Big Bear just to touch the snow.
l remember she was great
at telling stories.
Especially about San Francisco.
lt'd be fun if we drove up
there some weekend.
What do you say?
-Thank you.
-Thanks, Daddy.
-Oh, here.
-Oh, it's on the house.
Oh! Thanks.
You know, l never liked the nuts.
l always just got them
on my sundae because...
...because your mother did.
l'm sorry.
You girls go ahead and finish up.
l'll meet you at home.
Come right away.
-Tess, you awake?
-You can't sleep either?
Thinking about Mom?
l miss her.
l miss her too.
l think about her every night.
Every day.
There's so much we never
got to talk about.
lf she were here,
she'd know how to help Dad.
-l wish she were here.
-Me too.
What if something happens to Dad?
What? Like he could die of sadness?
You've seen Jerry Springer.
lt happens.
Let's face it, maybe what Dad needs
to cheer him up... a woman.
Sometimes l think you're the smart one.
You just figured that out?
l'm gonna get you.
SWF, 30s, n/s...
...lSO SM, B&B for R&M?
You need a code book to decipher this.
lt's easy, single, white female
in her 30s, non-smoker...
...seeks single male, brown hair,
brown eyes, for romance and monogamy.
-Wow, you're good.
-You have to read between the lines.
-Any time they compare--
-My fly girls. How's it going?
-Reading the personals? What's up?
Finding Dad a woman.
Easy. Get him a guitar.
Chicks dig musicians.
Our dad is a famous artist.
He's got enough groupies.
A smart and pretty woman.
lndependent, but still likes
to be taken care of.
You could sit
on an lnternet chat room.
Don't you watch the news?
That's creepy.
You go in for a chat, and you end up
stalked by
Dad won't go for it.
My dad's company got a billboard
on Sunset to advertise his CD.
Went platinum in one day.
Girls were mobbing him.
-l'm liking this.
-A personal ad on a billboard?
-The whole city would see it.
-Cody, you rock.
-lt's perfect.
-Maximum exposure.
We go in under cover of darkness.
Go, go, go!
-Cool, pull out.
-Go, come on.
Stop, stop.
Stay right behind me.
all clear. Go, go, go.
-There's cars coming.
-Don't look down.
Camouflage, part two!
Easy, easy, easy. Take it back up!
Wrong house.
The musician lives three doors down.
l'm looking for you, Dad.
Excuse me?
l realize it's unorthodox, just showing
up. But l'm no good with letters.
l can't write.
-Dad, what's going on?
-You must be the artists.
l'm the artist. These are my daughters.
Who are you?
Well, l'm interested.
-Cool to the max!
-Right on.
My gosh, Emily, it's working!
Will somebody tell me
what this is all about?
The billboard, what else?
Big gestures really get me.
l am completely clueless here.
Somebody better give me the 41 1 ,
and fast.
-You mean he doesn't know about this?
lt's really gonna blow your mind.
-Let's get dressed.
-We'll show you your billboard.
You'll excuse us, won't you?
In L.A., people will do anything
to get noticed.
I'm on Sunset Blvd.
with Billboard Dad...
...the man who put a personal ad
on a billboard.
Billboard Dad, is this getting
the results you wanted?
I find the whole thing
a little embarrassing--
Brooke, check this out.
"Billboard Dad."
He put a personal ad
on a billboard over Sunset.
Not interested.
-Are you crazy? He's gorgeous.
-Please. l'm not that shallow.
l am! Come on, he's not drooling,
he's not talking to himself.
His knuckles don't drag when he walks.
"Here comes the bride."
Only in L.A. are desperation and
insanity a public interest story.
l know, l know. But he's so cute.
lt's like rock, paper, scissors.
Really cute covers desperation
and smashes insanity.
You're the first person l've met whose
mom doesn't worry about her enough.
You have to start dating. lt's been
26 months since you got divorced.
26 months? You're counting?
A bookkeeper's job is to count.
lf you don't put yourself out there,
you won't meet anyone.
l finally have my life together.
l don't need a rebound relationship.
Jack's remarrying.
Look what it's done to our son.
So the cheating ex-husband gets
to be happy, but you have to suffer?
l'm not suffering.
l don't need a man to make me happy.
-We're certainly hoping.
-These are your girls? They're twins!
Why did you do this for your father?
He's got a lot to offer a woman.
So we said it for him.
He's the greatest.
-From the mouths of babes.
-She called us "babes. "
Forgive her.
And I'm the smart one.
Who'd date a man who puts
a personal ad up on a billboard?
l would.
You think Jughead from Archie
has potential.
With a different hat,
is all l'm saying.
Billboard Dad has a sense of humor,
and his kids like him.
Listen to you! You're as bad as him.
lf you write a letter,
you're on your own.
Yes, yes, and l'm very, very sorry.
l think we all are.
No, no.
l had no idea they were
planning any of this.
l did see it on the news.
A new one?
Oh, so this isn't a problem?
Don't thank me.
Please, do not thank me.
Me? Well, l have blue eyes.
Great. Goodbye.
lt seems the billboard company
won't press charges.
Billboard company?
lt seems they love the free publicity.
What publicity?
They'll put up a new billboard.
-They can't take it down!
-What about the women?
What women?
Girls, girls. lf l wanted
to go out, which l don't...
...l would find my own date, okay?
And not by putting
a billboard up over Sunset Strip!
Then how?
You hardly ever leave the studio.
You don't hang with your friends.
You never go out.
You don't even do anything
with us anymore!
Sit. Nobody moves.
l'll get it.
What is going on?
Hey, Mr. Tyler.
Got quite a bit of mail.
-You're a hottie!
-Who in the world is this mail for?
By the way, l saw you on the news.
Nice job, Tess, Emily.
We're with you.
The news? Nobody asked me
about airtime!
Maxwell, l'm in charge of your PR!
l know what's best for you!
-There must be a million letters here.
-Two million.
-This one smells romantic.
-This one sent a bribe.
-This one sent a picture.
-That's a cat.
Oh, my goodness, you're right.
lt was the whiskers that threw me.
You've got to be a little curious.
-Some of these women sound good.
Look, this one's a doctor.
A concert cellist.
And a fashion model.
Come on, just a couple dates. Please?
-Please, Dad? For us?
-Please, please, please?
all right, l tell you what.
l will go out on three dates.
Only because l love you two.
After these five dates... will leave me alone.
Great. Five dates.
You have your wish.
l hope you're happy.
Any more money, give it to me.
So you come here often?
Pardon me, but you don't look
like you want to be here.
l'm sorry....
lt's been a while since l've been out.
l think l'm just out of practice.
Don't worry, l've had plenty.
lt's always the same story.
You ask me to tell you about myself.
l'll pour my heart out.
You'll tell me exactly
what l want to hear...
...make me fall
madly in love with you...
...and that's the moment
when you'll dump me.
Let's end this charade right now,
before l get hurt...
...while l've still got enough Prozac
left from the last jerk.
l'm out of here.
Waiter. The check.
Do you have ear wax?
lt's genetic.
My entire family has
a terrible problem with it.
Oh wait!
l have a Q-Tip in my purse!
lt's in here, l swear.
You have lovely eyes.
Thank you.
Waiter, the check.
Have you ever dated
a Parisian woman before?
You're in for a treat, chri.
Oh, boy.
Waiter! Garcon.
Make sure you chew it real good.
Don't eat too fast, or you'll give
yourself a little tummy ache.
Oh, you need a napkin.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Little cute guy needs a napkin.
Oh, look at that.
He's got a little schmutz.
Oh, he's a cute one!
-He's so cute.
-Yeah, he is.
-He's a cutie.
-l'm gonna sit down now.
-We should've made it seven dates.
-You can't give up!
Girls, a deal is a deal.
We have a whole bag full of letters.
There's gotta be someone
in there for you.
lt just didn't work out.
Come on, Tess. Let's go.
Goes in, l go out on a date.
Close, but....
all right, one more.
l will marry this woman.
lt's up...
...and it's bad.
The man never liked dating anyway...
...and that one's bad too.
The pressure's on.
all right, there's
no pressure whatsoever.
Oh, boy.
Oh, you're kidding!
Wow! Of course l'd like to meet you.
How about tomorrow?
At the art museum? 1 1 :30?
l'll be there. Okay, bye.
Guess who's got a date
with Billboard Dad? Moi.
-l'm nervous.
-Don't be nervous.
He had the sense to pick a museum.
Shows class.
-Hey, you're right. He's cultured.
-Yeah, educated.
He's never gonna like me.
Yes, he will. He's gonna love you.
l look okay?
-You look beautiful.
-Not too--
You didn't try too hard,
but you look nice.
This is your day.
Tell me why l'm here.
The guy looks fine on TV, but what if
he turns out to be a weirdo?
When l tug my ear--
l know, l pretend to bump into you.
Then what?
l tag along?
This is so high school.
Hey, high school was my best years.
-l'll be your best friend.
-You already are.
Okay, l'll be over there.
lf you need me, just tug.
-Do you mind if l sit here?
l love Calder.
So do l. His work just
makes me feel like smiling.
l always loved that piece.
l did studies of it
when l was a student.
-Are you an artist?
-Sculptor, actually.
Not that l've ever gotten
any of my work in here yet....
Don't feel bad.
l think you have to be dead.
Dad's talking to that woman.
l'll give that a few years.
-She must be his date.
-She's pretty.
He's laughing.
l think he likes her.
So you say your friend
is here for a date.
That's right.
My best friend actually wrote
that guy on TV, Billboard Dad.
l'm here in case
she needs bailing out.
Oh, yeah. Well, l know how that goes.
Hey, you two were on TV.
Billboard Dad's kids.
-That's us.
Somebody great on paper,
then you meet them...
...and it's like,
""What planet are you from?""
Especially in this case.
Where's your father? l'm his date.
You're his date?
Then who's he talking to?
l'm curious.
Why didn't you answer that?
-What? The billboard?
Well, because... doesn't happen that way.
You don't believe in love
at first sight?
l'm sorry. What did you say?
Dad, we found your date.
-Did you see us?
-l thought you stood me up.
l'm sorry.
l was talking to your friend.
l didn't realize you were waiting.
You're Billboard Dad?
-Max, actually.
-Debbie. Debbie.
-You met Emily and Tess.
-Oh, yes.
This could've been
a really weird moment.
We knew Dad liked Brooke.
Debbie knew Brooke liked Dad.
She suggested they
have lunch together.
Talk about a good friend.
-Nice meeting you.
-You too.
-You girls behave yourselves.
-Don't worry, we will.
That's what he thinks.
So l moved from Boston
after optometry school.
l did post-graduate work at Parsons
and my company was born.
-Why glasses?
-My mom used to say:
So far, so good.
""Men don't make passes
at girls in glasses.""
l'll change that.
Well, l can't imagine men
not making passes at you.
l mean, you're very beautiful.
Thank you.
-He said she's beautiful.
-She's crushing on him.
Let's give them a nudge.
Give me all the money you've got.
No, no! Not that table!
Sit somewhere else!
-Thank you.
-So why sculpting?
l was just so bad at basketball.
Very clumsy young man.
-l don't think we ordered these.
-Compliments of the house.
Well, thank you.
-ls he gonna kiss her?
-l don't know, l can't see!
That has to do with you.
For mademoiselle.
How beautiful!
-lt's been taken care of.
-Thank you.
Oh, well. lt's nothing, really.
You're stepping on my foot!
Get your elbow out of my stomach!
l'll fall!
Don't look at me.
My sister's the graceful one.
Girls, hello.
We'll be talking later, won't we?
Hey, down in the seat, both of you.
l don't want to hear
another peep out of you.
They could use a lesson in subtlety.
Oh, l don't know. l think being direct
always gets the best results.
Well, in that case...
...l'm supposed to wait three days,
but you want to go out with me again?
l mean, just me this time?
l'd really like to get
to know you better, but....
Uh-oh. ""But.""
l've rushed into relationships before,
and they've ended badly.
-We'd have to take things slow.
-Sure, slow.
We can do slow.
We can go however you'd like.
-So how's Saturday?
-Saturday's good.
Hello. You look gorgeous.
-Thank you. You look nice too.
-Thank you.
Shall we?
-There you go.
-Thank you very much.
-So thank you.
-lt was very nice getting to know you.
-My love.
-Thank you.
-lt was fun.
-There you go.
-That door.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Well, it's about time, Maxwell.
Who is this woman
keeping you from your work?
We're two weeks away from the show!
You should be in your studio,
not frolicking with some trollop.
Language! Besides...
...when have l ever let you down?
There will be plenty of pieces
for the new show.
This new direction l'm going in
is very exciting.
New? No, no, no!
New is bad.
The buyers want to see a sculpture
like the piece that made you famous.
Remember that? Stick with
the old stuff. l can sell it.
Oh, posh, Nigel!
You could sell igloos to the Eskimos.
We all know this. Besides....
Brooke's encouraging me
to broaden my focus.
And you know something?
So l tell you what, pal, you stick
with the money. That'll be your job.
l want to do my job, my friend.
Don't listen to her.
l made you famous, my friend.
Nigel, my friend...
...good night.
l'm the one with the massive
credit card debt.
l'm also the one with
the astronomical car payments.
He's in love.
That's wonderful, yeah.
They're trying to ruin me.
Great, thanks.
Wake up!
-Time to hang ten off the long board!
-What time is it?
What time? Time to go!
Come on!
He's back!
Let's see what you got.
You're gonna get wet
in a minute, Emily.
Less than a minute.
Watch where you point
that thing, jerk!
l got you a tape and shirt
from the No Doubt concert.
Wow, thanks, Cody.
That's awesome!
Everybody, listen up!
As you know, the Regional Diving Meet
is coming up at the end of this month.
You remember last year, we got robbed
by those snobs from Palos Verdes.
This year, we've got a chance to
win back first place, and our dignity.
Let's all work hard to put
a trophy in our case!
They added a new dive.
A reverse pike off the high platform.
Palos Verdes has it.
Well, l'm not great with heights.
But l'll give it a shot.
That's my girl.
-He called you his girl?
-Get over yourself, Emily.
Okay, you can do this.
Just pretend it's like the low dive.
Only higher.
Much higher.
Like Mount Everest higher!
Concentrate, keep your legs together.
Nice, clean entry.
We got a couple of weeks.
Gonna do that at the regionals?
You'll be in the Losers Hall of Shame.
You think you can do better?
Let's see it.
all right.
Like he can dive.
He's a total spazoid.
Oh, my gosh!
He's gonna hurt himself.
Oh, my gosh!
He's better than Tess!
You're on the team!
l don't want to be
on your stupid team.
-That jerk!
-What an idiot!
There are only six spaces on the team.
lf he's on, somebody's
gonna get bumped off.
l'm number six.
lt's gonna be me.
Wow! Where'd you find this place?
-l built it.
-You built it?
Designed it.
Supervised the building.
-Why do you have a tractor?
-Forklift, actually.
About half the pieces l work on
are pretty large.
Some are upwards of 18, 20 feet.
l don't feel like lifting that much... a forklift comes in handy.
My son would love to get his hands
on some of these tools.
ls he mechanically inclined?
He tinkers with gears and parts.
Or used to, until he hit
this rebellious stage.
l think all kids go through
that ""testing the limits"" thing.
Yeah, l know.
He's upset about his dad
getting remarried.
He wants to make a statement
at the wedding.
All right, speaking of statements...
...this is one of my newest pieces.
Eavesdropping? Naughty girls.
We're kids.
Nobody tells us anything.
How else can we find out
what's going on?
l'll have you know that when
l was a boy, we didn't have intercoms.
To find things out,
we had to peek at keyholes...
...and root through trash
just like everyone else.
-Okay, Nigel.
It's a bit of a departure, the finish.
l love all the movement in it.
lt's great.
-Girls? Come on down.
-Blast it!
Brooke's here for your field trip.
Brooke was great.
She took us to do fun things.
Girl stuff.
-Enjoying yourselves?
-Are you kidding?
When are we gonna meet your son?
Definitely soon.
You'll get along great.
Would a college guy fall in love
with a younger woman?
Much younger.
Emily's crushing on our coach.
She almost drooled on his clipboard.
You would too, if you saw him.
He's totally dreamy.
He was on the calendar
""The Men of USC.""
Dreamy is good, but the most
important thing is trust.
Without trust, you have nothing.
-l'd trust Brad with my life.
-Duh! He's a lifeguard.
Go ahead, laugh. At least l know
when a guy sends me signals.
-What does that mean?
-Figure it out.
l'm going to get my legs waxed.
You don't even have hair on them yet!
l'm talking about the production run,
you imbecile!
How long is it going to take you?
Stop complaining or l'll send you
back to where l found you.
At that factory, making lawn gnomes.
Hey, Nige. How's it going?
Who was that on the phone?
Where's your daddy?
-He's with Brooke.
-She's the coolest.
He spends all his time with her.
l think they could fall in--
Don't say that!
Not the ""L"" word.
-Don't say it.
-Don't you want him to be happy?
lf your dad gets happy,
his art might change.
lf his art changes,
it won't sell.
And if it doesn't sell, poof!
There goes your
shiny little lifestyles.
Bye, ladies.
Shiny lifestyle?
He's driving a Range Rover.
And wearing a Rolex.
lt's probably fake.
How about these?
That looks great. Look.
So how's it going
with the billboard hunk?
-You set a date yet?
l know rebound relationships.
He falls for the first girl.
Then l find out he's cheating.
So don't go pick out china patterns.
Miss Cynic, not every guy
is a cheater like your ex-husband.
And you brought up china patterns.
You can admit you like him.
-l don't want to get hurt.
-That doesn't happen every time.
Emily, your food's here.
Guess who's cruising
on his skateboard?
Let's go.
That kid Ryan was such a pain.
He wanted everyone to think
he was a punk.
We'd teach him a lesson.
That's enough, we'll miss him.
-Wow! You two look nice.
-Where we going?
Well, tonight's our
two-month anniversary.
Brooke and l are spending
a nice romantic evening alone.
That's cool.
lt's about time you two got romantic.
Do we need to give you
the safe-sex talk?
Emily Danielle!
lt's okay.
My son asked me the same thing.
Compare notes when he comes over.
He's coming over?
lt's his dad's honeymoon,
so l get him.
-You'll be with Nigel. lsn't that fun?
That must be him.
Will you get it?
Oh, my God! Ryan, what happened?
-l wiped out on my skateboard.
-Are you okay?
No permanent damage.
Let's get you upstairs and changed.
-Right this way.
-Come on, sweetie.
-How come he didn't tell?
-l don't know.
Have fun, all right?
Come here. Give me a kiss.
l'm counting on you two
to make Ryan feel right at home.
-You ready?
-You bet.
Your clothes are in the dryer.
Be good.
We won't be late.
Any problems at all, just...
...well, talk to Nigel.
Pretty cool stereo.
We have an alarm system.
-Why didn't you tell on us?
-Because l'm not a rat.
Spare us the prison code.
You didn't tell because you want to
use this when you really want revenge.
-For a betty, you're not so dumb.
-Don't call me a betty.
What's this about ""growing up
in foster homes""?
Are you some kind of
pathological liar?
You're right.
lf this guy's your dad's agent,
why is he asleep on your chair?
Does he live here?
-No. Our dad's his only client.
Bye, dorks.
Why are you so rude?
You wouldn't understand.
You're perfect people
with this perfect life.
-We're not perfect.
-Nobody is.
And our life's not perfect.
Like everything you've tried
hasn't worked out?
l can't do a reverse dive.
That's just a stupid dive
in a dumb competition.
Why does it matter that much to you?
My mother was a ballerina.
This is as close as l could get.
That's the lamest excuse
l've ever heard.
Just because your father remarried...
...doesn't mean he won't love you.
Who asked you, Munchkin?
-l'm Monster.
-l'm Munchkin.
Whatever. And l'm joining
the diving team after all.
Guess who's off it?
No, no, no! Not polyester!
You're right, honey. He's here.
Hey, what's up?
Just waiting to go home.
Where's my mom?
She's out in the car.
l'll give you both a lift home.
Your mom told me about your dad
getting remarried.
That's got to be a tough one.
-No biggie.
Well, l'll tell you...
...l've been outnumbered
by women for so long...'d be nice to have a guy around.
-Ready to go?
Let's hit the road.
Careful, you idiot!
l can't afford another broken one.
That's my new BMW you're holding.
What's with the phony
Tyler sculptures?
Who knows how the new stuff will be?
lf not for the woman,
he'd be making the stuff that sells.
Don't throw a fit.
Just tell Tyler to dump the chick.
Problem solved.
all this hoopla over this stuff.
Nigel, hi.
-l sat on my glasses.
-Oh, no.
-Max said you could help.
-l'll see what l can do.
-Do you think you can save them?
-They're almost not worth repairing.
-How about a new pair?
Brooke, it's so wonderful to see
Max has found someone.
-Admit it, you're head over heels.
-You caught me. l admit it.
When Max was a student in ltaly,
l discovered him.
-Ever been?
-No, but l'd love to go.
Why not just go?
Rent a house
in the ltalian countryside.
-A nice, romantic summer abroad.
-l'd love to rent a house in ltaly.
-The kids would want to stay.
-Leave them with me.
-For a whole summer?
-lt's a new relationship.
lt would be great to spend
some time with Max alone.
lt's not easy with three kids around.
Not that l don't love his girls.
They're great.
Ryan is another story.
He has to come around in his own time.
Can l make a confession?
ln Europe, Max might be inspired
to get some work done.
l know Max hasn't worked much
since we met.
But l put my foot down
and sent him to his studio...
...with instructions not to come
out without his new masterpiece.
-l don't want him going broke.
-Thank you for making my job easier.
-What do you think?
-They make you look devious.
-l'll take them.
l'll go get you a case.
Emily, did you borrow my Ugg boots?
Nigel's talking to Brooke. lt sounds
like they're moving to ltaly.
-ltaly? Cool!
-Not cool. We're not invited.
I'd love to go to Italy with Max.
It'd be great to spend
some time alone.
And the children? You can't
leave them with a stranger.
They're staying with me!
You'd take the kids?
Of course! Would you send them
to boarding school?
Great idea. It's not easy getting
to know each other with three kids.
-Max would never agree to that!
-He'll come around in time.
-How much is Max worth?
-That's confidentiall.
-l think you're just after his money.
-Okay, you caught me. I admit it.
l'm not gonna let him get hurt
by some gold-digger!
Ducklets! Why the long faces?
Tell me what's got you so down.
-Don't act all cheery for us.
-We heard you talking with Brooke.
Oh, dear. l was hoping
to spare you two the ugly truth.
You're so young and impressionable.
-How much did you hear?
-They're moving to Europe?
She's gonna send us
to boarding school.
And she's after his money.
You missed the part
about the three ex-husbands?
Three of them?
How do you think she started
her business?
She's been lying to us.
-We thought she loved Dad.
-She seems terrific.
People aren't always
as they appear to be.
We can't let her break up
our family!
She's gonna hurt Daddy!
We've got to do something.
l've got an idea how to get rid
of her, but l'll need your help.
Good morning, Max.
l've brought you inspiration.
Nigel, l don't need a model today.
Do a favor for one of my countrymen.
She'll be deported if she
doesn't get work papers.
Make me look good, can't you?
l could do some sketching.
l don't want to hear another word
about wasting time.
You're hired, doll. Go get undressed.
There's a robe in the storage room.
Just throw your clothes anywhere.
What's that for, Nigel?
-l'm thirsty.
-l'll bet you're thirsty.
You're wanted
at your boyfriend's house.
That Max. He promised me he'd
work on his sculpture all day.
He misses you. How cute.
Thanks a lot.
Anything for Nigel, believe me.
She looked so crushed. l feel guilty.
She's a gold-digger. We had no choice.
lf we did the right thing,
how come l feel crummy?
l should've seen this coming!
-Maybe there's some explanation.
-There's an explanation:
all men are the same.
They're liars and cheaters.
Those are their good qualities.
What happened?
Billboard Dad turned into a jerk.
l'm sorry, Ryan,
l didn't mean to snap.
l haven't been spending
enough time with you.
l know you're bummed about your dad.
l'm gonna make this up to you,
l promise.
-Any word from the gold-digger?
-She won't return Dad's calls.
Don't say l don't take care of things.
-We gotta go to our diving meet.
-How's the work coming, Maxwell?
-Fine. Just fine.
l've got my tortured soul back!
Diving for Palos Verdes on the
three-meter springboard, Jenny Smith.
Diving for the Squids, Carol Clarke.
Squirt them, Squids!
Squirt them, Squids!
This concludes the three-meter
springboard competition.
With the score tied,
the five-meter platform...
...will determine the championship
between Palos Verdes and the Squids.
Now diving for Palos Verdes,
Phil Johnson.
Tess, the entire reputation of our
swim club rests on your shoulders.
So relax and have fun!
Easy for him to say.
-Come on, Tess!
-Go, Tess!
A very good dive.
A little over on the entry...
...but let's wait for the score.
With one round left, we're still tied
and that's as good as it gets
Good dive, Tess.
-What are you doing? Get your suit on!
-l'm not diving.
What?! Don't play with me.
Of course you are!
l can't. l just got a tattoo. lt has
to stay out of water for 48 hours.
-Doctor's orders.
Now we're short a diver!
No, you're not. You've got Emily.
-Emily, l need you.
You've been looking good lately.
Thanks, Brad, so are you.
Emily, get your suit on.
We're all counting on you.
For the final dive for the P.V. team,
it's Herman Schleckenberger.
Go for it!
The winner will be decided
by Emily Tyler's final dive.
She needs a score of at least 22
to win for the Westside Squids.
She did it! l think she did it!
Emily Tyler wins it for the Squids
on the last dive!
-How come you lied so l could dive?
-What makes you think l did?
No tattoo.
Congratulations, Emily.
l hear you Squids really doused them!
l didn't see your dad there.
He's bummed because of your mom
and him.
-He shouldn't have cheated on her.
-He didn't!
She shouldn't have lied
about ex-husbands.
-And tried to get his money!
-What are you talking about?
My dad's the only ex-husband
she's got. And business is doing great.
She doesn't need your dad's money.
-Yeah, Nigel.
lf anyone's stealing money, it's him.
l'll show you.
There you go.
l told you. We have to warn your dad.
He'll never believe us.
He trusts Nigel too much.
-He will if he hears it from Nigel.
-Like that's gonna happen.
Wait, l've got an idea! Come on.
We needed Cody's help.
But when I saw him punked out...
...I realized he was having
an identity crisis. He was confused.
Cody, what did you do to yourself?
l know it's desperate, but l tried
flattery, concert tickets....
lt got me zilch.
Your sister goes for bad boys.
lf Tess doesn't get the message
l like her now, l'll become a monk.
Emily, do l look that ridiculous?
l'm Tess.
Oh, my gosh! You're--?
l'm dead.
Cody, snap out of it!
We need your help!
Here's the sketch of the sculpture
Dad's working on. Like it?
lt's the most beautiful thing
l've ever seen!
Why don't you go see if you can help
the caterers set up?
Meet me at the loading site.
l've seen Max's new work.
Now, you ignoramus!
l need as many copies as you can make.
-l can't believe people buy this.
-Believe. l'm gonna be rich!
Everyone's gonna want one.
Even people who bought the old ones.
l'm going to be so filthy rich
selling Max Tyler's knockoffs...
...l won't need him anymore!
Got it.
lt's great. Different
from his early stuff.
But so refreshing, don't you think?
l told Maxwell his public's
ready for a new departure.
He's right.
This new work is so exciting!
-l have to have a piece. Let's get one.
Nigel's rich
Nigel's rolling in the dough
And the best part of this little scam
ls no one's going to know
Where is my meal ticket?
lt's his opening.
Well, can't be expected
to do everything.
Brooke can't come to the phone now.
Please leave a message
after the tone. Thank you.
Brooke? Hi. Max again.
Still trying to reach you. l've left
messages here and at the store.
Please call me.
There you are! Your new work
has your public all abuzz.
-They're crying for a speech.
-Oh, l don't want to.
-l don't care if they like it.
-Just come down there with me.
-l'll do all the talking, friend.
-Fine. You do the talking.
You always do.
Maxwell Tyler, everyone.
Good evening and gracious thanks
for sharing in this evening.
-When Max said he was working...
-Dad, come here!
...l knew it would be wonderful!
-So l told him to go for it!
-You've gotta listen to this.
-Girls, later.
-But, Dad!
l said later.
We've gotta stop him.
Give me the tape!
When l found Max, he was practically
starving on the streets.
But thanks to my artistic guidance...
...he's become a star.
l've been more than an agent,
more than a friend.
Nigel, give me that!
ls anyone here buying this baloney?
Wanna hear some straight talk?
Listen to this song. Crank it up!
What are you--?
I need as many copies
as you can make
I'm gonna be rich
Filthy, filthy rich
Selling Max Tyler's knockoffs
Knockoffs, knockoffs!
-l did the mix.
-Tell him how you've been forging.
-And selling fakes to these people.
That's ridiculous!
l've been doing no such thing!
ls this true?
lf you ask me, you should send
the two brats to boarding school.
Did l say that out loud?
Yeah, Nigel, you did.
You don't believe l'd forge
your art for money?
-What l do, l don't do for money.
-Of course not!
-Someone has to look out for you.
-You've been looking out for yourself!
After everything l've done for you,
l'm entitled to a profit!
You and your rug rats can
eat my skivvies!
Nobody talks about my girls like that.
You're fired!
And lose the phony accent. Everybody
knows you're from New Jersey.
My new suit!
Just get away from me. Get away!
all right, that's it.
Party's over. Everybody go home.
Come here.
Give me that.
Daddy, are you gonna be mad
at us forever?
Monster, Munchkin, pull up a seat.
Come on.
-l'm not mad at you.
-You're worse than mad.
-You're sad.
-We're really sorry.
We messed things up big-time.
Especially for you and Brooke.
Don't worry about it.
l think Brooke and me, we just...
-...we weren't meant to be.
-Nigel wasn't meant to be.
Look, l think all of us...
...we have to stop focusing
on what's happened in the past.
We need a new start.
A fresh beginning. Agreed?
-Sure, Dad.
-Whatever you say.
From now on, it's just gonna be
the three of us, our family.
l'll be spending more time with you.
No more distractions or extra people.
Definitely no more girlfriends,
all right?
Just be my two favorites, huh?
Come here.
Now come on. Let's get out of here.
-He really misses Brooke.
-We've gotta do something.
So this is why you dragged me
to the museum.
-Could we talk to you?
-We need to explain something.
Mom, please listen to them.
all right.
-Where've you been?
-Haven't you seen the news?
-l don't have time.
-Billboard Dad is at it again!
There's another message,
but this time it's for him!
We don't know who the lady is,
but it pays to advertise.
l thought l told you never to do
something like this again!
-We didn't do it.
lf you didn't do it, who did?
So why am l always
the last to know everything?
l figured the only way to get your
attention is with a visual statement.
You certainly are.
Thank you. But l was talking
about the billboard.
-l figure the billboard says it all.
...not everything.
-And everyone lived happily ever after.
-Even me.
-Unless you're not sharing something?
-Trust me, you're happy.
Not that happy.
l'm happy too. Don't tell anybody.
Happy is bad for my image.
See? Everyone lived
happily ever after.
Well, almost everyone.
Lovely original artwork here.
Get your lovely original artwork.
Something to hang
over the mantelpiece.
Fascinating dogs playing fascinating
tricks on a fascinating tapestry.
Lovely original work.
You look like a woman that needs
a dog over her mantelpiece.