Blast From The Past (1999) Movie Script
From Trinity
WWW.PODNAPISI.NE
Calvin, where do you get these?
They're so funny.
Just remember
don't mention the communists.
Calvin's a great guy,
but he's a little--you know.
-Nutty.
-What's his wife like?
You know...housewife.
Likes to cook, pregnant.
Normal, then.
I wouldn't go that far.
-Helen!
-Oh, hi, Betty. Hi, Dave.
Just look at you.
Any day now.
Say hi to my sister
Ruth and her husband.
Tell me
if you've heard this one.
A duck walks into a drugstore.
He says,
"I'd like some lip gloss."
The clerk says, "Certainly, sir.
Will this be cash or check?"
The duck says,
"Put it on my bill."
Oh, brother.
He was the golden boy
professor at Cal Tech...
but then he started
inventing things.
He suddenly became very rich.
And that was it.
He quit teaching.
-How's that?
-Just what the doctor ordered.
Calvin spends
all of his time out there...
tinkering around
in the workshop.
If you ask me,
it's all very strange.
Same is true of batteries.
I could take
a simple yacht battery...
and rig it
to last a decade, easily.
Say, Helen,
what does Calvin think...
about this trouble down in Cuba?
Oh, for heaven's sakes,
please don't bring that up.
I'd say my baseball card
collection is as complete...
as any one I've ever seen.
Calvin! Kennedy is going
toe-to-toe with Khruschev...
on television right now.
Ooh, boy.
On the island of Cuba.
Unmistakable evidence
has established the fact...
that a series
of offensive missile sites...
is now in preparation
on that imprisoned island.
Tower, this is Wolf One. I got
five miles to the overhead.
Wolf One, Tower.
Report the numbers.
You're number one
for the overhead.
Tower, this is Wolf One.
I got a problem here.
State your problem, Wolf One.
Are you declaring an emergency?
Stand by, One.
Additional sites
appear to be designed...
for intermediate-range
ballistic missiles...
and thus capable of striking
most of the major cities...
in the western hemisphere.
Folks.
Given this extraordinary
turn of events...
I think it's prudent
we cut this evening short.
I'm sure this Cuban thing
will resolve itself...
but in the meantime,
I suggest we take...
a prayerful
watch and wait stance.
OK, folks, let's go.
-My coat.
-Oh, here you go.
I'll call you, then.
What did I tell you?
Well, I'm certainly not gonna
let this pot roast go to waste.
Oh, Calvin, would you
put that seat cushion...
back on the lawn chair, honey?
Shouldn't we at least
turn off the phonograph?
It shuts off automatically.
Oh. Did you make it to do that?
They all do.
I never know anymore.
I bet that's a fighter jet
on its way to Key West.
Good luck, amigo.
An emergency has been declared.
I repeat,
an emergency has been declared.
You hear that?
I'll come back for the radio.
I wish you would have
at least let me do the dishes.
It's not gonna be that easy...
to get all that dried-on food
off my nice plates.
I just hope those plates are not
radioactive by tomorrow.
Cheese
is particularly troublesome.
I've got secondaries
of an engine fire.
I'm gonna need to find
a clear area to eject.
Roger, Wolf One.
Can you make it to the ocean?
Roger that, Tower.
I'm marking the one-eight-zero
radio for five...
and ejecting, Tower.
Roger, Wolf One.
How long will we have
to stay down here?
For this thing to blow over
could take days.
Days?
What if I go into labor?
That could happen any time now.
I've read up on it.
If I have to,
I'll deliver the baby myself.
Home, sweet home.
To you, maybe.
Are you all right?
I think so.
It's happened!
Look at that heat!
All my surface indicators...
knocked out! Oh, Lord!
It's happened!
What was that noise?
- The locks.
- The locks?
To keep us from trying to leave.
There's a radiation half-life
after an atomic blast.
-It lasts thirty-five years.- Thirty-five years?
Then after that,
it's safe to go up.
According to Cal Tech...
this Webber guy
was a bona fide genius...
but a borderline nut case.
He and Mrs. Nut Case...
must have been out here
when the plane hit.
Unless we get a postcard or
something, that'd be my guess.
What about relatives?
They're all back east.
Neighbors said the guy
spent day and night out here.
She'd bring him sandwiches
and hot Dr. Pepper.
He drank it hot?
Good God.
Hi, hon.
Feeling better?
We have to be strong.
If not for ourselves...
for the child.
All our friends.
Burnt to a crisp.
I'm not hungry.
Hot Dr. Pepper--your favorite.
No, Calvin. Your favorite.
Really?
Chilly? You shouldn't be.
Temperature's
a nice seventy-three degrees.
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
How could you?
This is just like home.
This is different.
Believe me.
Would you like a tranquilizer?
You've got tranquilizers?
I told you I have everything.
What?
Oh, hon.
Just breathe.
I'll get my stuff.
Is there a problem?
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
I've noticed.
What shall we call him?
I don't know.
Well, I was thinking,
in light of the situation...
we should call him Adam.
That's not sacrilegious, is it?
No. I think it's just right.
And I was wondering if...if...
Whatever you want, Helen.
I want a bedroom ceiling.
You got it.
See, I flick this switch...
and the image is projected
onto a mirror...
and the picture
comes out here...
and it's perfect.
Well, almost perfect.
You know something?
People will never get tired
of watching these.
Lord, bless this food...
this family...
and make us ever mindful...
of the needs of others. Amen.
Let's eat.
Out here, hon.
Oh, there you are.
Looked all over for you.
What are you doing back here?
I was just examining
this rear hatchway.
Why?
It's pretty clear
that when the bomb went off...
the front entrance caved in,
so, you know...
we'll have to return
to the surface...
using this back entrance,
which is very nice...
because it has
the service elevator.
Unless it's caved in, too.
Well, yes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes. You ready, Adam?
Watch this.
He can stand up all by himself.
Show Daddy.
All by himself.
That's my guy.
Stand up.
My son.
Up, Adam...
to the moon.
Hey, boss,
what do you make of this?
Damn if I know.
Bet it's some kind
of septic tank.
I never seen a septic tank
that looked like that.
Well, don't fool with it.
If it is a septic tank, I sure
as hell don't want to open it.
We'll just lay
the foundation over it.
"In won-der-land."
I'd like to see the public
school system match that.
I don't care how terrific it is.
But, honey, don't you think
he's a little young for school?
People have no idea what
the human mind is capable of.
Look, Daddy.
Alice went down the hole...
just like us.
Will I ever get to go up on top?
Yes. You certainly will.
And you'll find a nice girl...
rebuild America
just the way it used to be.
Oh, Calvin, I'm not sure
we should be making promises...
that perhaps can't be kept.
I'm convinced
there'll be other survivors.
In fact, I'm guessing there's
life on the surface even now.
Not life worth living,
perhaps...
but believe me...
something is moving around
up there.
I'm gonna need two more
banana splits and a Cherry Coke.
You bet, Mom. Comin' up.
Oh, by the way, Mom,
thanks for the job.
Buck fifteen an hour.
Your husband is crazy.
All right. What's the big news?
Oh, you're a riot.
Oh, what a riot you are!
Watch this.
You're funny!
You're a real riot.
They're comin' now
to put you on the stage.
There's been complaints
about me on the bus.
He's sending me
to the company psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist?
Yeah, a psychiatrist,
and that means I'm crazy.
Oh, don't be silly, Ralph.
Sending you to a psychiatrist
doesn't mean you're crazy.
Stick it. That's right.
Hook off the jab.
That's right.
Excuse me, boys, but I believe
it's my turn now.
Four, five.
Five, six.
And six, spin.
May I cut in?
You certainly may.
Thank you, son.
I miss those nice
flower-power kids.
How 'bout you?
What the hell
kind of music is that?
Oh, man.
I'm not sure I like that.
These are stock certificates.
Your Mom and I bought them,
for you.
Of course,
they're worthless now...
but at one time
they were quite valuable.
They're pretty.
Could I have them?
Sure.
Now let's move on
to our French exam.
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
Gosh, it is Tuesday.
Time flies, doesn't it?
Tempus fugit.
You have a wonderful
sense of humor, son, I must say.
The acorn does not fall
very far from the tree.
Gotcha, I gotcha.
This is wonderful.
That's my baseball card
collection.
It's yours now.
What's baseball?
It's a game, son.
I can explain it pretty easily.
You see, there's a pitcher.
Oh, like a painting?
No. A pit-cher.
Like one of Mom's?
No. There's a man
who throws the ball...
to a man who has a bat.
Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal.
I'm sellin' this place.
I want out of this hellhole.
Could I, uh...
If you sell, uh...
Me, could I, uh...
Buy it from me?
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
I'll give it to you.
No money down.
Cool!
This neighborhood's
gone to hell anyway.
At last...
I am master of all I survey!
No, no. Listen...
I'm only gonna explain
this one more time.
The runner on second
goes to third.
It's--He's out there.
Why?
Because he's forced out.
It's--it's a force.
Then why go there?
Because...he must.
Coming.
Yes, dear?
You get the presents,
I'll get the lights.
You bet.
Happy birthday to you
And many more
Thanks, Mom. Thank you, Dad.
-Blow out the candles.
-Make a wish.
Here.
Oh, boy! A jacket!
Your mom made that
all by herself.
No kidding?
Who else could have done it?
I made these.
Holy cow.
What the heck are these?
It's your roller skates. Yup.
I redesigned them.
These are really swell.
I mean swell.
What did you wish for, son?
If he tells,
it won't come true.
Oh, that's a bunch of baloney.
My family never believed that.
Well, we did in my family.
I wished that I could
meet a girl.
I hope a nice one?
Yes, ma'am.
One that doesn't
glow in the dark, I hope.
Calvin Webber,
what a thing to say.
Well, we'll be going up
in two years.
We'll know then.
I'm very hopeful.
Me, too.
Elbows, son.
I'm sorry, Mom. What the heck
am I thinking tonight?
You never know.
You might someday dine...
at the White House
with the President.
If we still have one.
You know, when we do go up...
I'm gonna miss this place.
How about you, hon?
Would you please excuse me?
No, no, don't--don't get up.
[ Screaming ]
Should we say a prayer first?
Just open the door.
Long time.
Well, it's dirty, but...
it seems to be OK.
I know you're happy.
Do we just go on up?
No, son.
Now is the time we must
be at our most cautious.
We wait for night.
Oh, shit!
Helen Thomas Webber...
maybe we have been down here
a little too long.
Pardon her French, son.
"Shit" is French?
Well, it's archaic French.
It's a 16th century
colloquialism...
meaning roughly "Good."
Your father's right.
Well...shit!
All of these things...
Alcoholics Anonymous...
Cocaine Anonymous...
Heroin Anonymous--
There's a Heroin Anonymous?
Will you please...
shut up!
Sorry. Sorry.
All of these things ask you
to believe in a power...
greater than yourself.
Well, I have lifted my eyes
skyward a time or two...
and I certainly have
not seen anything...
coming from up there
except a goddamn airplane...
which I can't afford to get on.
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
Let her come. Let her come.
Let's get this over with!
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, save me.
For I have seen the light!
I come...
in peace.
Leave my elevator alone.
What happened to my backyard?
Got a light, honey?
A light? Yes.
I do have a light.
Good. Thank you.
So...you survived the blast.
The blast?
Honey, I've survived
a host of things.
Like the song says,
the country boy can survive.
Did you say
you were a country boy?
Cute little old man...
if you want a boy,
I can be a boy...
and if you want a girl,
I can be a girl.
Hell, I can be
whatever you want me to be.
Really?
Uh-huh, and it's all yours...
for the remarkably low price
of two hundred dollars.
And if you act now...
I may even throw in
some free lawn furniture.
No. Thanks.
Thank you. I have to go.
Go on.
Get out of here, you old drunk!
Surprise!
[ Screaming ]
I'm gonna give it to you
straight.
There's no point
beating around the bush.
There were survivors.
Apparently the fallout has
created a subspecies--mutants.
Not a pretty sight.
Some eat out of garbage cans.
Others--cover your ears,
son, and hum.
I mean that literally.
Right now.
Others...are multi-sexual.
It seems they can be both...
masculine and feminine
simultaneously.
-I don't believe it!
-Believe it.
He tried to sell me his body,
Helen.
They offer lawn furniture
as a come-on.
All right.
They have done
a lot of rebuilding...
though society,
at least as we know it...
has totally collapsed.
People throw up in the streets.
Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong
with the automobiles...
and I can't tell you the rest.
I just can't. Maybe someday.
-What do we do now?
-We stay down here!
-We do?
-Yes!
We'll make do.
We have clothes,
running water from a well.
I am convinced these mutants
will kill each other off--
No, Calvin, we won't make do!
Not me, not Adam !
We're going up!
I don't care how horrible it is!
We deserve it!
I am the head of this household!
I want him to see the sky!
We will!
The ocean! A mountain!
Do as I say!
Oh, Adam ! Oh, my goodness!
Let's get him to the bedroom !
He seems to be doing
all right now.
I don't know
if he had a heart attack...
or just
a horrifying experience...
but we need supplies,
and I've got to stay with him.
I'll go up.
I'm afraid you must.
I'll be all right.
My brave boy.
Just act normal.
If anyone asks, simply say...
"I'm from out of town.
I'm here on business."
Write that down.
Now, I'm going to give you
a shopping list and some money.
We'll need just enough to get
through the next year or two.
You'll find most
of these items...
at what used to be called
a grocery store...
or a hardware store.
Write that down.
I don't know how far you'll have
to travel to find supplies...
but if you can't get home
by nightfall...
I want you to look for something
called a Holiday lnn.
It's a hotel. Write that down.
There might still be one
left standing.
Well, let's get you packed.
Right.
Just hope
this is still good up there.
-Say, Mom?
-Yes, dear?
I was wondering...
while I was up there and all...
I was thinking,
well, you know...
I was wondering
if maybe I could...
meet a girl.
I've been thinking about that
a little.
Just these last fifteen years
or so.
Adam, it would be wonderful
if you could meet a girl...
one who's not a mutant...
and hopefully
comes from Pasadena.
Nothing against valley girls,
but in my day anyhow...
girls from Pasadena always
seemed a little bit nicer.
Oh, and, son, there's also
something called a liquor store.
Write that down.
"Liquor store."
Yes, father?
Don't forget.
Stay out
of the adult book store.
Why?
Poison gas.
Invisible.
Don't forget.
I promise. Is that all?
One more thing.
If you find
a healthy young woman...
bring her on down.
Yes, sir.
Are you all right?
O Lord, yes.
Are you the one
who came last night...
all in yellow?
Oh, that was my father.
Oh! Of course. The father.
Forgive me.
Can you forgive me
for my wasted life?
Everything has been so awful.
I know. It has been terrible...
but it's not your fault.
And now that
all the decay is over with...
things are going to get better.
You understand?
Well, I have to go now.
Of course! Of course you do.
I'll stay here and pray.
Say, that's always a good idea.
How do I leave this place?
The front door is open.
Will you be back?
I promise.
What?
What is it?
The sky.
The sky? Where?
Up there.
I don't see anything.
Just look!
What is it?
He says he sees something.
What is it?
I see it, Mommy!
I have never in my life
seen anything like it before.
Or like you.
What are you lookin' at?
Oh, my lucky stars, a Negro.
Say what?
How do you do, ma'am?
I do all right.
Good.
What is it?
What do you see?
We were just looking at the--
-Oh, no!
-What?
Poisonous gas!
Run for your life!
Run! Run for your life!
lnvisible poisonous gas!
You know--
I just want to say...
I think he's going to be fine.
Thank you, Calvin.
Thank you very much.
He's smart.
Yes, dear, I know...
but he's still such a baby.
He's a man.
Oh, he's a baby man.
I tried to give
the driver this...
but he wouldn't take it.
He seems kind of angry.
A lot of people do.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Hold on, everyone! Hold on!
Wow!
So this is
public transportation.
My father says it becomes
more and more important...
because of pollution,
which is more and more...
carbon dioxide and other
hazardous gases in the air.
Do you have a gun, by the way?
Oh. Well, thank you
for not waving it around.
And for not vomiting,
for that matter.
Say, do you know where
I could find a grocery store?
I have to find that.
That and a hardware store...
a liquor store,
and a standing Holiday lnn.
There's a grocery store
up the street.
-Where?
-Up there!
Oh. Thank you. Driver,
please stop the bus immediately!
I wish to get off!
Please stop the bus, sir!
-Paper or plastic?
-Paper, please.
Do you have a club card?
I need a price check
on register four...
Diet Dr. Pepper, six-pack.
Don't talk to strangers.
Manager to the front for
check approval, register one.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes. I'd like to get
some all-beef patties.
Fresh or frozen?
Come on. Frozen.
How much are they?
Frozen? Six-thirty a dozen
in a three-pound box.
Twelve into nine hundred
is seventy-five.
That's almost five hundred
dollars just for the hamburger.
My mother only gave me three
thousand dollars for everything.
The yacht batteries,
the pipe tobacco...
the diesel oil, the bleach...
the floss,
the birthday candles--
You could get a meat order
that big delivered to your home.
Really?
Sure.
Oh, that's terrific.
Except it just occurred to me
that I don't know where home is.
I'm lost.
Do you know where I live?
Will you please excuse me?
Gladly.
Thank you.
Driver, please stop the bus!
The name's Adam Webber...
and I see that you buy
baseball cards.
Although these are a lot older
than the ones in the window...
I was hoping that you still
might be interested.
How much you want for this
Mickey Mantle rookie season?
Well, I was hoping
to sell all of the cards.
Really? No kidding?
All I have
are hundred-dollar bills...
and I need something smaller.
Ones, tens, fives.
I see what you mean.
Tell you what.
How about I give you
five hundred in small bills...
for the whole box?
That would be wonderful.
Aw, shit.
I'm working here, Evie-poo.
Don't screw me up.
Yeah, I can see you're working,
all right.
Bon soir, mademoiselle.
Oh, you're French?
I'm from out of town.
I'm here on business.
Well, your business must not be
sports memorabilia...
because this one
Mantle card right here--
worth six thousand dollars
all by its itty-bitty self.
Get out of here!
No, you get out of here.
Terrific. You're fired.
-I quit.
-No, no, no. I fired you.
Just like the hair salon guy
and the Chevy dealer.
You know why you can't keep
a goddamn job?
'Cause you can't keep
your goddamn mouth shut!
Excuse me, sir,
but I'd really appreciate it...
if you wouldn't take
the Lord's name in vain again.
You got a problem with that,
partner?
Yes.
I have a big problem with that.
Come on, Heathcliff.
I'll walk you out.
Yes, ma'am, but my name's Adam.
Adam and Eve, the perfect match.
I hope the two of you
will be very happy together.
Mazel-fucking-tov.
And don't come back, neither,
miss big shot.
I'm serious this time.
You're finished
in the hobby business.
Where are we going?
We? I'm going home.
Judging by that coat...
you have to get back
to the barber college.
No. I'm lost.
You're lost?
Did you just lose your job
back there because of me?
Forget it. I'm sick of working
for that dickhead.
Dickhead?
A walking penis
capable of intelligent speech.
A dickhead.
What is wrong with you?
I just had
this mental picture--
Help me pick these up.
Oh, thank you.
Where are you parked?
I came on a bus.
Why does that not surprise me?
Don't know.
Why doesn't it surprise you?
Well, I guess because
I'm a little psychic.
I have this thing.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah. Let me guess.
This is your first visit
to la-la land.
You're staying in Hollywood,
because like an idiot...
you thought that would be
an exciting place to stay.
-Am I right so far?
-So far.
-Yes, I'm right?
-Right.
I knew it.
So you get on a bus
and before you know it...
you're stuck in the San Fernando
Valley without a clue...
which brings us to here.
Correct again?
Again.
Where are you staying?
The Holiday lnn.
That's exactly right.
See? I'm psychic.
Not completely, but pretty much.
Pretty good, huh?
No, it was amazing.
I know. Thanks. I'm gonna
predict a bus for you.
-You go down here--
-Do you own a car?
Oh, no, sweetie.
Rule number one
in North America.
No strangers in the car.
If it'll make you feel
any better...
I don't have a gun.
Oh. Well,
that changes everything.
Get away from me!
I said something wrong.
Please forgive me.
-Get away from me!
-I'll make you a deal!
I will give you a Rogers Hornsby
if you take me to the hotel!
Rogers Hornsby?
He's yours.
I was holding him back.
Rogers Hornsby's worth
four thousand dollars.
So what? I got two of them !
And this many
Larry "Yogi" Berras...
and...
For four thousand dollars,
all I have to do...
is drive you to your hotel?
-Uh-huh.
-That's it?
I don't have to take
a physical on your spaceship?
No, ma'am.
What?
So, Mr. Andretti,
first time on the freeway?
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
Mind if I change the station?
Better traffic reports on A.M.
Sure. Wait!
What? What is it?
Go back. You had him.
It's Perry.
Perry Como.
You had him. Go back.
OK. Just--
-That's it.
-There.
I could die right now.
Over this?
Listen to this part.
This is where it really
takes off.
Wait for it. There!
You are one scary
son of a gun.
You better slow down.
I can't help it. Perry Como
always does this to me.
I just get so cranked.
Card, please. End of service.
That was wonderful.
I've never felt anything
like that before in my life.
Yeah, same here.
Don't forget your suitcase.
Thanks. You know--
I would like to stay
at this hotel.
Fill this out, please,
and I'll need to see a card.
A card?
Yes, sir.
Oh. Of course.
OK, then.
Bathroom's there...
TV's there--remote is on top.
Room service menu on the table.
Wow.
Oh, you dial nine to get out.
Of what?
The hotel.
I see.
Thank you.
You've been very, very helpful.
I managed to get some change
downstairs...
and my father taught me
in situations like this...
it's customary to give a tip.
Your father's a smart guy.
My father's a genius.
All right, here's your key,
and good night, sir.
Good night. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That's what my mom always says.
Who I'm really beginning
to miss, by the way.
Sorry. It's my first night
away from home.
How old are you?
Thirty-five.
You don't look thirty-five.
How old do I look?
Oh, twenty-five, around there.
I guess living up here
makes people look older.
Up here
on the eighteenth floor?
Yes, up here
on the eighteenth floor.
Good night.
What the hell am I doing here?
That's what I'd like to know.
Somebody tell me that.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
flora, nuts,
and protective sunscreens...
a complete sun-care line...
Hi. This is the woman
from the baseball card store.
Remember me?
Hot-diggety-dog!
Thanks for calling me
on the telephone.
I'm so glad to see you.
I thought
I'd never see you again.
OK, down, boy.
Listen, I can't take this
for driving you home.
I wish I could, but I can't,
so, here, take it back.
I would have left it
at the front desk...
but it's very valuable.
Take it.
I can't take that. It's yours.
Take it, damn it!
Why are you doing that?
Because I haven't brushed yet.
Well, so long. Enjoy your visit.
Wait. Eve, please wait.
Please, do not follow me.
Don't do it.
I knew this would happen.
You're like a lost puppy.
Can't you talk to me
for just one little second?
Damn, I should have
taken the money and run.
That's what Troy told me to do,
but did I listen? No.
Will you put your hand down?
Who's Troy? Is he your husband?
Or a boyfriend?
Thank you!
Stop that! Don't do that!
Listen, I know you like me, OK?
I can tell.
But, you know what?
A lot of guys like me.
Not me exactly. It's my legs
or my butt or my hair...
or some combination
of the above.
I think it's the eyes.
The eyes?
Great. An eye man.
Anyhow, it never works out.
OK? Not that you even
need to know that.
You look like crap.
What have you been doing?
Watching television in color.
In color? No kidding.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Yeah. See ya.
Why doesn't it ever work out?
What?
Why doesn't it ever work out,
you and men?
Why? Who the hell knows?
If you promise to leave me
alone, I'll tell you why.
It never works out...
because I am into legs
and hair and butts myself.
So I wind up with guys
who are very good-looking...
but even more shallow than I am,
if you can picture that.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go find...
another low-paying,
demeaning job...
where some guy named Jerry
keeps telling me...
how lousy his marriage is.
-Why not go to work for me?
-Doing what?
Helping me sell
all my baseball cards...
and buying enough
food and supplies...
to fill several large trucks.
Food and supplies?
Who for, starving people?
They're not starving yet,
but they do need help.
How long would you need me for?
Two weeks.
What's the pay?
What's fair?
I gotta make at least
a thousand dollars a week.
You got it.
-Wait here while I get changed.
-Sure.
Here you go.
Why would someone need...
twenty-six yacht batteries?
I don't know.
I just work for the guy.
And who does he work for,
the CIA?
Pipe tobacco.
I'm going to need all of this.
Toilet paper.
Is there a sale?
Well, another day,
another dollar.
Will you stop staring at me?
Sorry.
I'll pick you up
at 8:00 in the morning.
You know, Eve, I was thinking--
Good night.
We'll need to rent
a refrigerated truck...
for the beef and poultry.
Well, it's your life.
And by the way, it's a dandy.
Think we're also going to have
to get another locker.
It's no problem. We'll just
sell another baseball card.
Coming down.
You know, Eve...
And--and don't get mad,
OK, but...
I would just be lost
without you.
Thanks.
And I guess...
I guess that...
I think that you and l--
Adam,
don't even think about it, OK?
I'm sorry.
I know that sounds mean...
but it would be a lot meaner
if I didn't say it, OK?
Let's take this truck back,
and I'm hungry.
Are you getting in?
There's something else
I'd like you to help me with.
Name it.
I'm afraid this is going
to sound a little bit crazy.
I'm sure it will.
Then forget it.
No, no. I'm sorry.
What is it?
Eve,
I want you to help me find...
a wife.
-A wife?
-Yes.
What for?
Because I want to get married.
Why?
Because I don't want
to be alone.
Well, you can be single
and not alone.
Marriage bites.
-Bites what?
-The big one.
It does?
Sure.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Everybody knows that.
I mean,
ask my divorced brothers...
or my divorced mom and dad.
Everybody knows that.
They're all divorced?
Everybody's divorced.
What kind of wife
you looking for?
Oh, um, well...
one who's not a mutant.
No dogs, huh?
OK. Cool.
And if it's possible...
I'd like to marry
someone from Pasadena.
Um, when do you need her by?
Two weeks?
Well, I can probably
get you laid in two weeks...
but to locate a non-mutant wife
from Pasadena...
will take some time.
That's what I was afraid of.
What do you mean,
you can get me laid?
Uh, can we talk about that
a little later?
-Of course.
-Great.
Lord, bless this food
we are about to receive...
and make us ever mindful
of the needs of others.
And bless my mom...
and bless my dad...
and bless my new friend Eve.
Amen.
Get out.
-The engine is still running.
-Now! Get out!
Yes, ma'am.
-Stop the "Ma'am" crap.
-Sorry.
You almost got us killed.
I told you,
I've never driven before.
Well, never drive again.
You said it would be easy.
Well, I was wrong!
-Say, is this your house?
-Yes.
I like it.
What are you
bitching about now?
What are you doing here?
I forgot some of my stuff.
-Your stuff?
-Yeah.
Let me see that.
Oh, you came back
for your underwear.
Excuse me.
These are Ralph Laurens.
How'd you get in?
Thanks.
And who's this
interesting looking fellow?
This is Adam.
Adam, this is Cliff.
How do you do?
I do fine, Adam.
How about yourself?
You, uh...
doing any good lately?
Go home, Cliff,
wherever that might be.
Sheena Gilroy's apartment.
You remember her. She's
the model who went to Harvard.
Well, I'd better be going.
Bye, Adam.
-Nice coat.
-Thank you, Cliff.
It was very nice to meet you.
That's a nice parking job, too.
May I ask you a question?
He's a former boyfriend.
We lived together
for about six months...
and, yes, I still have
sort of a thing for him.
That's what you wanted to know,
isn't it?
No. I was going to ask you...
why Cliff likes to wear
another man's underpants.
What?
This guy is unbelievable.
I knew you'd like him.
I know. It's like he's from
"X Files" or something.
He's got all these easily
negotiable properties, right?
And he's obviously
setting up something big--
maybe a self-sustaining island
off the coast of South America.
Or maybe he's the leader
of some cult...
that's into practices involving
poultry and pipe tobacco.
You have very nice ceilings.
-Do l?
-Mm-hmm.
Well...
you like ceilings?
Not particularly.
Ah. Well, I hope you like this.
It's fresh sea urchin
wrapped in seaweed.
I love sushi.
I love Lucy.
Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
Here you go--
one champagne cocktail.
Oh, thank you.
I thought only hookers
drank those things.
Well, I know Mom
sure likes them.
Well, dinner's in fifteen.
Why don't we sit down and chat?
So, Troy, what do you do
for a living?
Oh, I design web sites.
And, Adam...
where on Earth are you from?
Out of town.
That's all he'll say.
It's a very small place.
People don't even know
it's there.
And it's called?
Maybe Eve can guess.
She's psychic.
Is she?
Since when?
Since I got rear-ended
in Palm Springs.
Well, then,
Miss Dionne Warwick...
why don't you tell us
what town he's from?
All right. Give me your hand.
Oh, Lord.
I'm not promising anything.
-Are you OK?
-Mm-hmm.
I see snow--
Iots of snow...
way up north.
Are we getting hot?
Yes...
You live in Alaska...
and the only way in and out
of your place is by plane.
And you definitely came here
for food and supplies...
and to find a wife.
That was right?
Got goosebumps all over me.
I'm clairvoyant, butthead.
Why wouldn't you just go
to Nome...
to get supplies and a wife?
Isn't that a lot closer?
Yeah, right. That's where
you'd go to find girls--
Nome.
He's gay, by the way.
Well, good for you.
Well, we try.
Can I ask you some questions?
When did Alaska become a state?
And who owned it before we did?
Russia.
And when did we get it
from them?
We purchased it for seven
point two million dollars--
a tidy sum then as well as now.
I'm quoting my father,
of course.
All right,
what's the state capital?
Juneau.
Hello? It's Anchorage. Gotcha.
Sorry. That's the largest city.
Where's he going?
He's going to check
your answers on his computer.
He has a computer?
-Sure.
-In the house?
No, actually,
it's in the backyard.
Of course it's in the house.
It's in there.
May I be excused, please?
Thank you.
Who are you?
I'm the mother.
It's the mother!
Troy, I suppose
those tall buildings...
we saw this morning are new?
Yeah.
Almost all of them, anyway.
The recovery's impressive.
Recovery?
Oh, yeah. They rebuilt
the freeway in only six months.
-Really?
-Uh-huh.
That's amazing.
I'm very impressed.
-Oh, well, that's impressive.
-Are you sure I look OK?
Oh, trust me, you look fabulous.
Thank you, Troy.
So, what do you think?
It works.
Maybe I should show you
the entire trousseau--
shirts, sweaters, socks,
the whole thing.
No. First, let's show her these.
Eve, can I skate
around your block?
How about it, Eve?
Can he skate around your block?
Just a few laps.
It won't take long.
Look.
Adam, will you go skate
on the bike path?
-Where?
-The bike path. It's over there.
God, I wish I could wear
those pants.
All right, girl, hit that ball.
I get it.
I finally get it.
You have to see it
to understand it.
Because he must.
Haven't you ever heard
the saying...
"He hasn't got enough sense
to come in out of the rain"?
You know...
my father, who is a scientist...
says that everything
is a miracle.
Everything.
Until recently, I wasn't sure
what he meant by that.
No kidding. Listen...
you still want to go
girl hunting tonight?
Oh, yes, I certainly do.
But, I mean, you know...
this whole business
of finding you a wife...
it's pretty ridiculous,
don't you think?
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is.
A girlfriend, maybe,
but a wife, it's...
Well, then help me
find a girlfriend.
That's all I ask.
I'll tell you what. I'll give
you every single card I've got.
Screw you. You think I'm just
somebody you can buy off?
I didn't mean that at all.
Eve, you're my best friend.
Would you do it because
you're my very best friend?
Thank you, Eve.
Well, why did we park
way back there?
She doesn't allow total
strangers to drive her car.
-What?
-Ladies first, Troy.
-That was close.
-Uh-huh.
My goodness gracious,
this place is something.
Look unimpressed.
Yeah, bored, even.
Try vaguely bored.
Unimpressed,
but still interested.
Not crazy.
-Do I look crazy?
-Yes.
Just, uh, be loose.
-Just be yourself.
-That's always good advice.
Well, for him. It doesn't work
with the rest of us.
Of all the clubs in all
the towns in all the world...
you walk into mine.
So welcome to Club 40's...
where the party never stops.
Ah, Jason, Jonathan...
this is Adam.
Adam, that's them.
Hi. How do you do?
It's very nice to meet you,
Jason and Jonathan.
My mother always said...
that when you meet someone
for the first time...
it's always easier
to remember their names...
if you use those names
right away, Jason and Jonathan.
He's from Alaska.
Hi there, Eve.
Who's the hunk?
Get lost, Sophie.
Hi. I'm Sophie.
Hi. How do you do?
I'm Adam Webber.
Adam lives in Alaska.
No shit?
-Vous parlez franais?
-Oui.
Moi, je parle un peu franais.
Oh, you speak beautiful French.
J'ai habite paris un an.
Paris--
c'est la vie des lumieres...
-n'est-ce pas?
-Oui.
-C'est le pays d'amour.
-Bien sur.
C'est bien que
je vous aie rencontree...
parce que je n'ai pas
eu la chance de pratiquer.
Si tu veux,
nous pouvons pratiquer...
beaucoup de choses ensemble.
Tais-toi.
Au revoir.
Je m'appelle Adam Webber.
Quit showing off.
We're here on business.
I thought we were here
to meet women.
-Not that one.
-I like her.
Now, Sophie,
when you fly to Paris...
do you check these,
or are they carry-on?
They're carry-on.
Excuse me.
What are you drinking?
Oh, this is a Rob Roy.
It's a very popular drink
I'm told.
How about her?
No way.
Why not? l--I think
she's very attractive.
She's got "bitch"
written all over her.
You do know what "bitch" means,
don't you?
Well, yes, I do.
I do have a dictionary...
but I can't understand
for the life of me...
why you would say that
about her...
or why Cliff would say that
about you.
I think for you
we should aim for...
sweet.
OK. I like that.
Yeah, sweet.
That's a lovely way
of putting it.
There's Miss Sweet over there
by the hors d'oeuvres table.
Look.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Could be.
Yeah, go on, Romeo. Say hello.
She looks
like a non-mutant to me.
OK. All right.
What do I say to her?
Oh, say something surprising...
something funny--
Lie, if need be.
-Lie?
-Oh, yeah.
Lying can be
a very effective dating tool.
All right.
Here I go.
I don't think
I want to watch this.
Surprising and funny.
Well, I know "the duck
who bought some lip balm."
Lie.
I was wondering
if you could help me.
I, um, seem to have lost...
my Congressional Medal
of Honor...
around here somewhere.
Now, that's a great one.
This is my new friend.
Hi. I'm Heather.
I don't believe I've ever
heard that name before.
Yeah, do you dance?
Why, I took a dance lesson
every day of my life...
up until a couple of days ago.
-You're kidding.
-No, no, I did.
Shall we dance?
-Sure.
-Yeah?
Wait for me.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, no.
Will you please excuse me?
You -- you go to the bathroom.
What, right here?
I thought I should check.
You're being so bossy.
Thank you both very much
for the dance.
Thank you.
I have to go to the bathroom.
-You wanted to see me?
-You're not from Alaska.
Where the hell did you learn
to dance like that?
And there are
no starving people, are there?
Why are you so angry with me?
What, you think
I'm some kind of sap?
No, I don't.
I admire you.
I fell in love with you
the very moment I saw you.
I want you to stop lying to me.
All right.
I'll tell you everything.
In 1962--
Well, well, well.
Don't we clean up nice?
Well, hello, Cliff.
How are you this evening?
Not bad...
though I do miss
that green sport coat of yours.
Oh, why, thank you, Cliff...
but that's my seat,
and I was just about--
Come have a drink up at the bar.
Sure.
Excuse us.
It's all yours.
Please excuse this interruption.
Oh, brother.
Eve, I don't mean to be rude,
and, Cliff, please excuse me...
but, Eve, isn't Cliff
just a butt with hair?
What?
I'm sorry. And legs--
Legs, butt, and hair.
And shallow as well.
Shallow?
Adam, why don't you go home?
Go back to the hotel.
Yeah, before I kick your ass.
I must warn you, Cliff,
I do know how to defend myself.
Oh, do you?
Stop it, you two.
Nice move.
Yeah, he's right. Maybe
we shouldn't fight in here.
I agree.
I'm sorry. He was going to...
Maybe we shouldn't fight at all.
I mean...
fighting's pretty immature
when you think about it.
It certainly is.
I'm leaving.
That's probably a good idea.
I'm sorry.
Well...
good night, everyone.
I'm leaving, too, OK?
And you know what?
lf you want help...
you can ask Troy,
because I quit.
This is ridiculous.
You're ridiculous,
and I'm ridiculous.
I'll buy you another
Rob Roy, huh, champ?
Rob Roy for the gentleman.
Well?
He go back to the hotel?
He might have.
What does that mean?
That means
that we did not leave together.
Well, who did he leave with?
-What's that to you?
-I'm his pimp!
He left with those dancers,
didn't he?
You're the psychic.
Eve the psychic pimp.
You tell me.
Those sluts.
Then again, who isn't a slut
these days, huh?
Where are you going?
-To bed.
-To bed?
Sure. To bed.
I'm not the one
that's in love with the guy.
What?!
Now hold on!
Hold on just a minute.
In the first place...
I do not fall in love
with weirdoes...
who I've only known
for four or five days.
Yes, you do.
And I don't fall in love
with grown men...
who collect baseball cards!
Yes, you do.
Or pee in their pants
when they see the ocean.
Yes, you do.
Or have perfect table manners.
You know,
I asked him about that.
He said good manners...
are just a way
of showing other people...
that we have respect for them.
I didn't know that. I thought
it was a way of acting superior.
Oh, and you know
what else he told me?
What?
He thinks I'm a gentleman,
and you're a lady.
Well, consider the source.
I don't even know
what a lady is.
I know. I thought a gentleman
was somebody that owned horses.
But it turns out...
the short, simple definition
of a lady or a gentleman...
is someone who always tries
to make sure...
that the people
around him or her...
are as comfortable as possible.
Where do you think
he got all that information?
Oh, from the oddest place.
His parents.
I don't think
I got that memo from mine.
And now, I suppose, he's trying
to make those dancers...
feel as comfortable as possible.
He didn't go home with them.
Well...
He went home with Sophie.
She swept him out of the room...
whispering little French
sweet-nothings into his ear.
No, not Sophie. Not Sophie.
Don't tell me that.
So whatcha gonna do, go to
her place and kick the door in?
You're goddamn right I am.
You coming?
You kidding? Sophie'd kill me.
Coward.
Gentleman coward.
So just scare me, why don't you,
you stupid son of a bitch!
I'm really sorry.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
on San Vicente Boulevard...
having unsafe sex
with that slut Sophie.
I know, and I'm really sorry.
I'm limping!
How attractive is that?!
What if this is for life?
-I--I was just gonna say--
-I know.
-And then she--
-I know, I know.
-And I didn't mean to scare her.
-Of course you didn't.
Nothing I do with her
ever seems to be right.
Used to be right up here
with the coffee.
Why don't people
ever fucking...
That's because...
you're a nice boy...
but what Eve needs
is a nice man.
Understand, champ?
Good night.
Good night, Troy.
You still here?
-Let me help you.
-No. I can do it myself.
I know more about first aid than
you know about baseball cards.
Now give me the stuff
and sit down.
Sit!
Let me see.
Give me your knee.
These pants are ruined, right?
I'd say so.
There.
Steady.
Ouch!
There.
Don't be such a baby.
Oh, I'm the baby?
Did, um...
Did you go to Sophie's?
Of course.
And?
She was hospitable.
Hospitable?
But...
it just wasn't
where I wanted to be...
so...
I left as politely
as I could...
and I found a taxi...
and I told the driver
to bring me here...
instead of back to the hotel.
There's a song
that Mr. Como sings...
called
"On the Street Where You Live."
Do you know it?
Sing it to me.
I have often walked
Down this street before
But the pavement always stayed
Beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
Where you live
It's a song
about a young man...
who's overjoyed...
just to be standing
in front of the house...
of the person...
that he loves.
You know, l--
Adam, I know this is stupid...
but humor me.
Have you ever had sex before?
No...
How is that possible?
You better sit back down.
In 1962, when the bomb
was dropped on Los Angeles...
my parents
were in our fallout shelter.
That's where I was born.
We only survived because
it's a huge shelter...
as far as fallout shelters go.
My father worked on it secretly
for years.
When he had to...
he used contractors...
but always from out of state...
and always for only
a portion of the job.
He told them it was a secret
government experiment...
done through Cal Tech.
Now, my dad's not a liar...
but in this case,
he felt he had no choice.
Of course,
it had to be kept a secret.
We only had enough supplies...
to last three people
for thirty-five years.
The really tricky part
was the air-vent system...
but we were able to cut into
the flood-control sewer.
We...
What I would like to do...
is to take you with me
into the fallout shelter.
We could live there
with my mom and dad.
My dad said that if I found
a healthy young girl...
that...that I should
bring her on down.
Why, Eve...
you look plenty healthy to me.
I think it's time to call a cab.
Oh. Of course.
You're absolutely right.
I really shouldn't be over here
at this late hour.
Good night, Adam.
Thank you.
God damn, Adam !
Wait a minute.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I know. I took the Lord's
name in vain again. I--
No. There's an adult bookstore
back there.
I'll be right back.
Give us a sign!
-Amen!
-Yes!
That's all we ask.
Just give us some sort of sign!
Just show us
that we're not alone!
This is, uh...
Hi, Adam. I'm Nina Aron.
-Hello. How do you do?
-Very well, thank you.
I'm with the County
Family Services Department.
Eve tells me you've been
living in a bomb shelter...
most of your life.
Fallout shelter.
There is a difference.
Adam, I'd like to introduce you
to my associate Mr. Brown.
We want you to come with us...
so we can talk some more
about your experiences.
Come where?
My office.
For how long?
Well, that depends.
Well, I thank you very much
for the invitation...
but I'm very busy today.
Perhaps
I could see you tomorrow.
I think you should go
with Dr. Aron.
I think it's the best thing.
I think it's best for you.
I--I do.
All right, Eve. If you say so.
I do.
Could I please just go home?
I was lost,
but I found home this morning.
And if I can just go home...
I promise I'll never bother
any of you ever again.
Let's go talk first.
Yes Ma'am.
Bye Adam.
Bye Troy.
You'll be hearing from me.
What?!
What was I supposed to do?
He told me he wanted
to take me underground.
That's like
"Silence of the Lambs."
It's crazy!
Yeah. You did the right thing.
Where you going?
Oh, my God.
All right, don't worry.
He'll catch him.
Yes, this is Nina Aron.
I've got a runaway, and I'm
going to need police assistance.
-No, you cannot call them.
-Honey, I have to.
If a complaint is made
and the person resists--
No! I cannot have that!
They'll come with their cars
and their guns and--
All right. Calm down.
Now, that young man
needs help...
and you need protection
from him.
I was frightened!
I didn't know what to think,
but, you know...
I believe him.
I think he just--
I really think
he wants to go home--
wherever that might be.
Everybody has to calm down.
That's the most important thing.
You can have
all my baseball cards...
and don't forget
to pay my bills.
Young man, you stop right there!
Stop! Don't get in that truck!
You gotta stop trying
to drive this truck.
Thanks for always being happy.
-What?
-Gay.
That's my car,
you son of a bitch!
Where the hell have you been?
I fell down.
You guys get the license number
on that truck?
What are you asking them for?
They're as screwed up as he is!
Hey, everybody keep calm.
That's the important thing.
Who you talking to,
you stupid...
Mom, Dad...
I'm home.
I've got almost everything
we need.
And this nice man...
Archbishop Melker.
We've met previously.
...and his church group
have volunteered
to help bring it down...
but we've gotta hurry.
Are you in trouble, son?
I think I'm being chased
by a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist?
It happens.
Oh, my goodness.
How bad is it up there?
Horrible.
There's something
on your forehead.
I know.
Is this it?
Well, what are we gonna do
with it?
Give it back to him.
And what if we can't find him?
We'll find him.
Well...
Eve, look what I found
in the suitcase.
It's stock certificates.
I mean, it's got, like--
It's got, like,
IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and...
"Ipana"?
I remember this brand.
I didn't know
they still made this.
Oh. Look at this.
It says "Trademark 1961."
Hurry, my friends!
We have no time to waste!
The son has spoken!
Let's step it up!
Leave my elevator alone
We're losing a ride!
Purchased in 1958 and '59...
ten thousand shares of each?
They'd be worth millions.
Hell, I don't know.
Millions upon millions...
Upon millions.
The stocks,
the baseball cards...
the clothes...
the toothpaste.
The guy's on the level.
Eve,
a man walks into your life...
who's the kindest,
most polite...
most incredibly rich guy
you've ever met.
And I have him committed.
Yes, you did.
Well...
at least I fell for him
before I found out he was rich.
That's new.
He said today
he knew where home was.
Where'd you guys go
this morning?
Just to pick up frozen poultry.
Then?
Then back to the house.
You didn't stop anywhere?
We did.
We stopped at a porn shop.
Yeah, we stopped
at this adult bookstore.
Adam was very excited to see it.
Adam was very excited
to see porn?
Eve, do you think
maybe his home is underneath...
a dirty book store
in the valley?
This is it?
Yeah. Yeah, this is the place.
Do you have a basement?
Believe me, all the really
good stuff is right up front.
Is there a back entrance
or something?
Are you kidding? Of course.
Nice kid. Nice kid.
What are we looking for?
This is ridiculous.
Why would they put a fallout
shelter under a porn shop?
None of this was here
back in '62.
Back then this was all,
like, cute little homes...
and, you know, fruit orchards.
We've come a long way,
haven't we?
I wanna go home.
Yeah. Maybe he'll call, huh?
This is Adam.
Look, I just wanted to thank you
for everything you did for me.
And...
I wanted to tell you that l...
that, uh...
that I--that I wish
so many good things for you.
I wish so hard that
all of your dreams come true.
And...
and that--
and that's all I...
And that's all.
Your ride stinks!
Stay outta here, you drunk!
Adam..?
How long you gonna set it for
this time?
I thought ten years.
Well, it's...
considerably shorter
than before, but...
I was wondering, Calvin,
I mean...
why set the locks at all?
I mean, the radiation's gone.
To keep what's up there
from getting down here.
It's not radiation
I'm worried about.
I would like for you to meet...
Miss Eve Vrustikov.
Adam's told me
such wonderful things about you.
Oh, honey...
excuse us, please.
We haven't entertained
a guest...
In quite some time.
Oh, Eve, what--
what can I offer you?
Mom, Eve and I have to go.
Oh, Adam, you just got here.
I can't explain right now...
but I want you to set the locks
for two months.
You've got more than enough
of everything...
and then we'll be right back
to get you.
But I don't understand.
And I'm asking you
to trust me...
without understanding why.
In that case, of course.
Oh, of course, son.
They really are
wonderful parents.
Oh, Adam, could you at least
stay for dinner?
Well...she...
You must.
Perfect.
Now tell me
if you heard this one.
Duck walks into a drugstore.
This gravy
is an old favorite of Calvin's.
Now, Eve,
the platter's down here.
Would you get that, honey?
The sperm swims toward the egg.
Into the egg.
-Why?
-Because it must.
But why?
Because it's out there.
I don't mean to be nosy,
but are you and Adam dating?
Yeah, we are.
And I'm from Pasadena.
And you thought
your parents were weird.
It's truly amazing
what you can get done...
when you have unlimited funds.
Do you know you can have
whole houses built...
in just a matter of months?
It's like the Garden of Eden,
don't you think?
All you have to say is this...
"I don't care what it costs."
And then, of course,
you've got to really mean it...
which no one ever does.
It took a while to convince
Archbishop Melker...
that Adam wasn't God...
and he was pretty broken up
about it, too...
until I showed him my plans...
for Los Angeles' hottest
and most original night spot.
It's my goddamned malt shop.
Now let's just figure out
what's gonna happen here.
Now I want
the whole ownership...
of everything downstairs, right?
I want one of my guys
at the door.
Our idea
was to bring Adam's parents...
up to the surface very slowly...
make them very comfortable...
and then break
the bad news to them...
that there was
no nuclear holocaust.
Oh, son.
And here you go. Oh, careful.
It's hot.
Careful.
Have you ever in your life...
seen a son who did more
for his parents?
This is beautiful.
It's absolutely beautiful.
Well, uh...
we seem to have everything...
but, you know...
it's not much different...
from a fallout shelter.
No, Calvin.
This is different.
Believe me.
This is great...
son.
By the way...
Eve. Her last name.
Vrustikov.
That's not Russian, is it?
No, it's Ukrainian.
Her grandparents immigrated.
Dad, I don't know
how to tell you this...
and I was gonna wait
for a while to do it, but...
Dad, there was no bomb.
A plane crashed
in our backyard.
I looked it up
in old newspapers.
-You sure?
-Positive.
The Soviet Union collapsed
without a shot being fired.
The cold war's over.
That's what everyone believes.
Oh, yes, sir.
Mm-hmm. It's true.
What, the politburo...
one day said...
"we give up"?
Yes, just...
That's kinda how it went.
By gosh!
These commies are brilliant.
You have to hand it to them.
No, we didn't drop any bombs.
Oh, yeah. Our evil empire
has collapsed. Poor us.
I'll bet...
they even asked the West
for aid.
Right?
Um, I think they did.
Oh, boys.
Dinnertime!
Pot roast.
I tell ya.
Funny guy.
-Don't tell your mother.
-No.
Adam says that
this is simply how things work.
First the parents
take care of the children...
and then the children
take care of the parents.
He says, historically,
that's how it works.
Damn commies.
Whenever Adam gives me...
such obviously
incorrect information...
I just smile,
slap him on the knee...
and look out the window.
Why spoil his dreams?
They're such wonderful dreams.
From Trinity
WWW.PODNAPISI.NE
WWW.PODNAPISI.NE
Calvin, where do you get these?
They're so funny.
Just remember
don't mention the communists.
Calvin's a great guy,
but he's a little--you know.
-Nutty.
-What's his wife like?
You know...housewife.
Likes to cook, pregnant.
Normal, then.
I wouldn't go that far.
-Helen!
-Oh, hi, Betty. Hi, Dave.
Just look at you.
Any day now.
Say hi to my sister
Ruth and her husband.
Tell me
if you've heard this one.
A duck walks into a drugstore.
He says,
"I'd like some lip gloss."
The clerk says, "Certainly, sir.
Will this be cash or check?"
The duck says,
"Put it on my bill."
Oh, brother.
He was the golden boy
professor at Cal Tech...
but then he started
inventing things.
He suddenly became very rich.
And that was it.
He quit teaching.
-How's that?
-Just what the doctor ordered.
Calvin spends
all of his time out there...
tinkering around
in the workshop.
If you ask me,
it's all very strange.
Same is true of batteries.
I could take
a simple yacht battery...
and rig it
to last a decade, easily.
Say, Helen,
what does Calvin think...
about this trouble down in Cuba?
Oh, for heaven's sakes,
please don't bring that up.
I'd say my baseball card
collection is as complete...
as any one I've ever seen.
Calvin! Kennedy is going
toe-to-toe with Khruschev...
on television right now.
Ooh, boy.
On the island of Cuba.
Unmistakable evidence
has established the fact...
that a series
of offensive missile sites...
is now in preparation
on that imprisoned island.
Tower, this is Wolf One. I got
five miles to the overhead.
Wolf One, Tower.
Report the numbers.
You're number one
for the overhead.
Tower, this is Wolf One.
I got a problem here.
State your problem, Wolf One.
Are you declaring an emergency?
Stand by, One.
Additional sites
appear to be designed...
for intermediate-range
ballistic missiles...
and thus capable of striking
most of the major cities...
in the western hemisphere.
Folks.
Given this extraordinary
turn of events...
I think it's prudent
we cut this evening short.
I'm sure this Cuban thing
will resolve itself...
but in the meantime,
I suggest we take...
a prayerful
watch and wait stance.
OK, folks, let's go.
-My coat.
-Oh, here you go.
I'll call you, then.
What did I tell you?
Well, I'm certainly not gonna
let this pot roast go to waste.
Oh, Calvin, would you
put that seat cushion...
back on the lawn chair, honey?
Shouldn't we at least
turn off the phonograph?
It shuts off automatically.
Oh. Did you make it to do that?
They all do.
I never know anymore.
I bet that's a fighter jet
on its way to Key West.
Good luck, amigo.
An emergency has been declared.
I repeat,
an emergency has been declared.
You hear that?
I'll come back for the radio.
I wish you would have
at least let me do the dishes.
It's not gonna be that easy...
to get all that dried-on food
off my nice plates.
I just hope those plates are not
radioactive by tomorrow.
Cheese
is particularly troublesome.
I've got secondaries
of an engine fire.
I'm gonna need to find
a clear area to eject.
Roger, Wolf One.
Can you make it to the ocean?
Roger that, Tower.
I'm marking the one-eight-zero
radio for five...
and ejecting, Tower.
Roger, Wolf One.
How long will we have
to stay down here?
For this thing to blow over
could take days.
Days?
What if I go into labor?
That could happen any time now.
I've read up on it.
If I have to,
I'll deliver the baby myself.
Home, sweet home.
To you, maybe.
Are you all right?
I think so.
It's happened!
Look at that heat!
All my surface indicators...
knocked out! Oh, Lord!
It's happened!
What was that noise?
- The locks.
- The locks?
To keep us from trying to leave.
There's a radiation half-life
after an atomic blast.
-It lasts thirty-five years.- Thirty-five years?
Then after that,
it's safe to go up.
According to Cal Tech...
this Webber guy
was a bona fide genius...
but a borderline nut case.
He and Mrs. Nut Case...
must have been out here
when the plane hit.
Unless we get a postcard or
something, that'd be my guess.
What about relatives?
They're all back east.
Neighbors said the guy
spent day and night out here.
She'd bring him sandwiches
and hot Dr. Pepper.
He drank it hot?
Good God.
Hi, hon.
Feeling better?
We have to be strong.
If not for ourselves...
for the child.
All our friends.
Burnt to a crisp.
I'm not hungry.
Hot Dr. Pepper--your favorite.
No, Calvin. Your favorite.
Really?
Chilly? You shouldn't be.
Temperature's
a nice seventy-three degrees.
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
How could you?
This is just like home.
This is different.
Believe me.
Would you like a tranquilizer?
You've got tranquilizers?
I told you I have everything.
What?
Oh, hon.
Just breathe.
I'll get my stuff.
Is there a problem?
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
I've noticed.
What shall we call him?
I don't know.
Well, I was thinking,
in light of the situation...
we should call him Adam.
That's not sacrilegious, is it?
No. I think it's just right.
And I was wondering if...if...
Whatever you want, Helen.
I want a bedroom ceiling.
You got it.
See, I flick this switch...
and the image is projected
onto a mirror...
and the picture
comes out here...
and it's perfect.
Well, almost perfect.
You know something?
People will never get tired
of watching these.
Lord, bless this food...
this family...
and make us ever mindful...
of the needs of others. Amen.
Let's eat.
Out here, hon.
Oh, there you are.
Looked all over for you.
What are you doing back here?
I was just examining
this rear hatchway.
Why?
It's pretty clear
that when the bomb went off...
the front entrance caved in,
so, you know...
we'll have to return
to the surface...
using this back entrance,
which is very nice...
because it has
the service elevator.
Unless it's caved in, too.
Well, yes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes. You ready, Adam?
Watch this.
He can stand up all by himself.
Show Daddy.
All by himself.
That's my guy.
Stand up.
My son.
Up, Adam...
to the moon.
Hey, boss,
what do you make of this?
Damn if I know.
Bet it's some kind
of septic tank.
I never seen a septic tank
that looked like that.
Well, don't fool with it.
If it is a septic tank, I sure
as hell don't want to open it.
We'll just lay
the foundation over it.
"In won-der-land."
I'd like to see the public
school system match that.
I don't care how terrific it is.
But, honey, don't you think
he's a little young for school?
People have no idea what
the human mind is capable of.
Look, Daddy.
Alice went down the hole...
just like us.
Will I ever get to go up on top?
Yes. You certainly will.
And you'll find a nice girl...
rebuild America
just the way it used to be.
Oh, Calvin, I'm not sure
we should be making promises...
that perhaps can't be kept.
I'm convinced
there'll be other survivors.
In fact, I'm guessing there's
life on the surface even now.
Not life worth living,
perhaps...
but believe me...
something is moving around
up there.
I'm gonna need two more
banana splits and a Cherry Coke.
You bet, Mom. Comin' up.
Oh, by the way, Mom,
thanks for the job.
Buck fifteen an hour.
Your husband is crazy.
All right. What's the big news?
Oh, you're a riot.
Oh, what a riot you are!
Watch this.
You're funny!
You're a real riot.
They're comin' now
to put you on the stage.
There's been complaints
about me on the bus.
He's sending me
to the company psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist?
Yeah, a psychiatrist,
and that means I'm crazy.
Oh, don't be silly, Ralph.
Sending you to a psychiatrist
doesn't mean you're crazy.
Stick it. That's right.
Hook off the jab.
That's right.
Excuse me, boys, but I believe
it's my turn now.
Four, five.
Five, six.
And six, spin.
May I cut in?
You certainly may.
Thank you, son.
I miss those nice
flower-power kids.
How 'bout you?
What the hell
kind of music is that?
Oh, man.
I'm not sure I like that.
These are stock certificates.
Your Mom and I bought them,
for you.
Of course,
they're worthless now...
but at one time
they were quite valuable.
They're pretty.
Could I have them?
Sure.
Now let's move on
to our French exam.
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
Gosh, it is Tuesday.
Time flies, doesn't it?
Tempus fugit.
You have a wonderful
sense of humor, son, I must say.
The acorn does not fall
very far from the tree.
Gotcha, I gotcha.
This is wonderful.
That's my baseball card
collection.
It's yours now.
What's baseball?
It's a game, son.
I can explain it pretty easily.
You see, there's a pitcher.
Oh, like a painting?
No. A pit-cher.
Like one of Mom's?
No. There's a man
who throws the ball...
to a man who has a bat.
Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal.
I'm sellin' this place.
I want out of this hellhole.
Could I, uh...
If you sell, uh...
Me, could I, uh...
Buy it from me?
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
I'll give it to you.
No money down.
Cool!
This neighborhood's
gone to hell anyway.
At last...
I am master of all I survey!
No, no. Listen...
I'm only gonna explain
this one more time.
The runner on second
goes to third.
It's--He's out there.
Why?
Because he's forced out.
It's--it's a force.
Then why go there?
Because...he must.
Coming.
Yes, dear?
You get the presents,
I'll get the lights.
You bet.
Happy birthday to you
And many more
Thanks, Mom. Thank you, Dad.
-Blow out the candles.
-Make a wish.
Here.
Oh, boy! A jacket!
Your mom made that
all by herself.
No kidding?
Who else could have done it?
I made these.
Holy cow.
What the heck are these?
It's your roller skates. Yup.
I redesigned them.
These are really swell.
I mean swell.
What did you wish for, son?
If he tells,
it won't come true.
Oh, that's a bunch of baloney.
My family never believed that.
Well, we did in my family.
I wished that I could
meet a girl.
I hope a nice one?
Yes, ma'am.
One that doesn't
glow in the dark, I hope.
Calvin Webber,
what a thing to say.
Well, we'll be going up
in two years.
We'll know then.
I'm very hopeful.
Me, too.
Elbows, son.
I'm sorry, Mom. What the heck
am I thinking tonight?
You never know.
You might someday dine...
at the White House
with the President.
If we still have one.
You know, when we do go up...
I'm gonna miss this place.
How about you, hon?
Would you please excuse me?
No, no, don't--don't get up.
[ Screaming ]
Should we say a prayer first?
Just open the door.
Long time.
Well, it's dirty, but...
it seems to be OK.
I know you're happy.
Do we just go on up?
No, son.
Now is the time we must
be at our most cautious.
We wait for night.
Oh, shit!
Helen Thomas Webber...
maybe we have been down here
a little too long.
Pardon her French, son.
"Shit" is French?
Well, it's archaic French.
It's a 16th century
colloquialism...
meaning roughly "Good."
Your father's right.
Well...shit!
All of these things...
Alcoholics Anonymous...
Cocaine Anonymous...
Heroin Anonymous--
There's a Heroin Anonymous?
Will you please...
shut up!
Sorry. Sorry.
All of these things ask you
to believe in a power...
greater than yourself.
Well, I have lifted my eyes
skyward a time or two...
and I certainly have
not seen anything...
coming from up there
except a goddamn airplane...
which I can't afford to get on.
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
Let her come. Let her come.
Let's get this over with!
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, save me.
For I have seen the light!
I come...
in peace.
Leave my elevator alone.
What happened to my backyard?
Got a light, honey?
A light? Yes.
I do have a light.
Good. Thank you.
So...you survived the blast.
The blast?
Honey, I've survived
a host of things.
Like the song says,
the country boy can survive.
Did you say
you were a country boy?
Cute little old man...
if you want a boy,
I can be a boy...
and if you want a girl,
I can be a girl.
Hell, I can be
whatever you want me to be.
Really?
Uh-huh, and it's all yours...
for the remarkably low price
of two hundred dollars.
And if you act now...
I may even throw in
some free lawn furniture.
No. Thanks.
Thank you. I have to go.
Go on.
Get out of here, you old drunk!
Surprise!
[ Screaming ]
I'm gonna give it to you
straight.
There's no point
beating around the bush.
There were survivors.
Apparently the fallout has
created a subspecies--mutants.
Not a pretty sight.
Some eat out of garbage cans.
Others--cover your ears,
son, and hum.
I mean that literally.
Right now.
Others...are multi-sexual.
It seems they can be both...
masculine and feminine
simultaneously.
-I don't believe it!
-Believe it.
He tried to sell me his body,
Helen.
They offer lawn furniture
as a come-on.
All right.
They have done
a lot of rebuilding...
though society,
at least as we know it...
has totally collapsed.
People throw up in the streets.
Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong
with the automobiles...
and I can't tell you the rest.
I just can't. Maybe someday.
-What do we do now?
-We stay down here!
-We do?
-Yes!
We'll make do.
We have clothes,
running water from a well.
I am convinced these mutants
will kill each other off--
No, Calvin, we won't make do!
Not me, not Adam !
We're going up!
I don't care how horrible it is!
We deserve it!
I am the head of this household!
I want him to see the sky!
We will!
The ocean! A mountain!
Do as I say!
Oh, Adam ! Oh, my goodness!
Let's get him to the bedroom !
He seems to be doing
all right now.
I don't know
if he had a heart attack...
or just
a horrifying experience...
but we need supplies,
and I've got to stay with him.
I'll go up.
I'm afraid you must.
I'll be all right.
My brave boy.
Just act normal.
If anyone asks, simply say...
"I'm from out of town.
I'm here on business."
Write that down.
Now, I'm going to give you
a shopping list and some money.
We'll need just enough to get
through the next year or two.
You'll find most
of these items...
at what used to be called
a grocery store...
or a hardware store.
Write that down.
I don't know how far you'll have
to travel to find supplies...
but if you can't get home
by nightfall...
I want you to look for something
called a Holiday lnn.
It's a hotel. Write that down.
There might still be one
left standing.
Well, let's get you packed.
Right.
Just hope
this is still good up there.
-Say, Mom?
-Yes, dear?
I was wondering...
while I was up there and all...
I was thinking,
well, you know...
I was wondering
if maybe I could...
meet a girl.
I've been thinking about that
a little.
Just these last fifteen years
or so.
Adam, it would be wonderful
if you could meet a girl...
one who's not a mutant...
and hopefully
comes from Pasadena.
Nothing against valley girls,
but in my day anyhow...
girls from Pasadena always
seemed a little bit nicer.
Oh, and, son, there's also
something called a liquor store.
Write that down.
"Liquor store."
Yes, father?
Don't forget.
Stay out
of the adult book store.
Why?
Poison gas.
Invisible.
Don't forget.
I promise. Is that all?
One more thing.
If you find
a healthy young woman...
bring her on down.
Yes, sir.
Are you all right?
O Lord, yes.
Are you the one
who came last night...
all in yellow?
Oh, that was my father.
Oh! Of course. The father.
Forgive me.
Can you forgive me
for my wasted life?
Everything has been so awful.
I know. It has been terrible...
but it's not your fault.
And now that
all the decay is over with...
things are going to get better.
You understand?
Well, I have to go now.
Of course! Of course you do.
I'll stay here and pray.
Say, that's always a good idea.
How do I leave this place?
The front door is open.
Will you be back?
I promise.
What?
What is it?
The sky.
The sky? Where?
Up there.
I don't see anything.
Just look!
What is it?
He says he sees something.
What is it?
I see it, Mommy!
I have never in my life
seen anything like it before.
Or like you.
What are you lookin' at?
Oh, my lucky stars, a Negro.
Say what?
How do you do, ma'am?
I do all right.
Good.
What is it?
What do you see?
We were just looking at the--
-Oh, no!
-What?
Poisonous gas!
Run for your life!
Run! Run for your life!
lnvisible poisonous gas!
You know--
I just want to say...
I think he's going to be fine.
Thank you, Calvin.
Thank you very much.
He's smart.
Yes, dear, I know...
but he's still such a baby.
He's a man.
Oh, he's a baby man.
I tried to give
the driver this...
but he wouldn't take it.
He seems kind of angry.
A lot of people do.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Hold on, everyone! Hold on!
Wow!
So this is
public transportation.
My father says it becomes
more and more important...
because of pollution,
which is more and more...
carbon dioxide and other
hazardous gases in the air.
Do you have a gun, by the way?
Oh. Well, thank you
for not waving it around.
And for not vomiting,
for that matter.
Say, do you know where
I could find a grocery store?
I have to find that.
That and a hardware store...
a liquor store,
and a standing Holiday lnn.
There's a grocery store
up the street.
-Where?
-Up there!
Oh. Thank you. Driver,
please stop the bus immediately!
I wish to get off!
Please stop the bus, sir!
-Paper or plastic?
-Paper, please.
Do you have a club card?
I need a price check
on register four...
Diet Dr. Pepper, six-pack.
Don't talk to strangers.
Manager to the front for
check approval, register one.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes. I'd like to get
some all-beef patties.
Fresh or frozen?
Come on. Frozen.
How much are they?
Frozen? Six-thirty a dozen
in a three-pound box.
Twelve into nine hundred
is seventy-five.
That's almost five hundred
dollars just for the hamburger.
My mother only gave me three
thousand dollars for everything.
The yacht batteries,
the pipe tobacco...
the diesel oil, the bleach...
the floss,
the birthday candles--
You could get a meat order
that big delivered to your home.
Really?
Sure.
Oh, that's terrific.
Except it just occurred to me
that I don't know where home is.
I'm lost.
Do you know where I live?
Will you please excuse me?
Gladly.
Thank you.
Driver, please stop the bus!
The name's Adam Webber...
and I see that you buy
baseball cards.
Although these are a lot older
than the ones in the window...
I was hoping that you still
might be interested.
How much you want for this
Mickey Mantle rookie season?
Well, I was hoping
to sell all of the cards.
Really? No kidding?
All I have
are hundred-dollar bills...
and I need something smaller.
Ones, tens, fives.
I see what you mean.
Tell you what.
How about I give you
five hundred in small bills...
for the whole box?
That would be wonderful.
Aw, shit.
I'm working here, Evie-poo.
Don't screw me up.
Yeah, I can see you're working,
all right.
Bon soir, mademoiselle.
Oh, you're French?
I'm from out of town.
I'm here on business.
Well, your business must not be
sports memorabilia...
because this one
Mantle card right here--
worth six thousand dollars
all by its itty-bitty self.
Get out of here!
No, you get out of here.
Terrific. You're fired.
-I quit.
-No, no, no. I fired you.
Just like the hair salon guy
and the Chevy dealer.
You know why you can't keep
a goddamn job?
'Cause you can't keep
your goddamn mouth shut!
Excuse me, sir,
but I'd really appreciate it...
if you wouldn't take
the Lord's name in vain again.
You got a problem with that,
partner?
Yes.
I have a big problem with that.
Come on, Heathcliff.
I'll walk you out.
Yes, ma'am, but my name's Adam.
Adam and Eve, the perfect match.
I hope the two of you
will be very happy together.
Mazel-fucking-tov.
And don't come back, neither,
miss big shot.
I'm serious this time.
You're finished
in the hobby business.
Where are we going?
We? I'm going home.
Judging by that coat...
you have to get back
to the barber college.
No. I'm lost.
You're lost?
Did you just lose your job
back there because of me?
Forget it. I'm sick of working
for that dickhead.
Dickhead?
A walking penis
capable of intelligent speech.
A dickhead.
What is wrong with you?
I just had
this mental picture--
Help me pick these up.
Oh, thank you.
Where are you parked?
I came on a bus.
Why does that not surprise me?
Don't know.
Why doesn't it surprise you?
Well, I guess because
I'm a little psychic.
I have this thing.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah. Let me guess.
This is your first visit
to la-la land.
You're staying in Hollywood,
because like an idiot...
you thought that would be
an exciting place to stay.
-Am I right so far?
-So far.
-Yes, I'm right?
-Right.
I knew it.
So you get on a bus
and before you know it...
you're stuck in the San Fernando
Valley without a clue...
which brings us to here.
Correct again?
Again.
Where are you staying?
The Holiday lnn.
That's exactly right.
See? I'm psychic.
Not completely, but pretty much.
Pretty good, huh?
No, it was amazing.
I know. Thanks. I'm gonna
predict a bus for you.
-You go down here--
-Do you own a car?
Oh, no, sweetie.
Rule number one
in North America.
No strangers in the car.
If it'll make you feel
any better...
I don't have a gun.
Oh. Well,
that changes everything.
Get away from me!
I said something wrong.
Please forgive me.
-Get away from me!
-I'll make you a deal!
I will give you a Rogers Hornsby
if you take me to the hotel!
Rogers Hornsby?
He's yours.
I was holding him back.
Rogers Hornsby's worth
four thousand dollars.
So what? I got two of them !
And this many
Larry "Yogi" Berras...
and...
For four thousand dollars,
all I have to do...
is drive you to your hotel?
-Uh-huh.
-That's it?
I don't have to take
a physical on your spaceship?
No, ma'am.
What?
So, Mr. Andretti,
first time on the freeway?
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
Mind if I change the station?
Better traffic reports on A.M.
Sure. Wait!
What? What is it?
Go back. You had him.
It's Perry.
Perry Como.
You had him. Go back.
OK. Just--
-That's it.
-There.
I could die right now.
Over this?
Listen to this part.
This is where it really
takes off.
Wait for it. There!
You are one scary
son of a gun.
You better slow down.
I can't help it. Perry Como
always does this to me.
I just get so cranked.
Card, please. End of service.
That was wonderful.
I've never felt anything
like that before in my life.
Yeah, same here.
Don't forget your suitcase.
Thanks. You know--
I would like to stay
at this hotel.
Fill this out, please,
and I'll need to see a card.
A card?
Yes, sir.
Oh. Of course.
OK, then.
Bathroom's there...
TV's there--remote is on top.
Room service menu on the table.
Wow.
Oh, you dial nine to get out.
Of what?
The hotel.
I see.
Thank you.
You've been very, very helpful.
I managed to get some change
downstairs...
and my father taught me
in situations like this...
it's customary to give a tip.
Your father's a smart guy.
My father's a genius.
All right, here's your key,
and good night, sir.
Good night. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That's what my mom always says.
Who I'm really beginning
to miss, by the way.
Sorry. It's my first night
away from home.
How old are you?
Thirty-five.
You don't look thirty-five.
How old do I look?
Oh, twenty-five, around there.
I guess living up here
makes people look older.
Up here
on the eighteenth floor?
Yes, up here
on the eighteenth floor.
Good night.
What the hell am I doing here?
That's what I'd like to know.
Somebody tell me that.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
flora, nuts,
and protective sunscreens...
a complete sun-care line...
Hi. This is the woman
from the baseball card store.
Remember me?
Hot-diggety-dog!
Thanks for calling me
on the telephone.
I'm so glad to see you.
I thought
I'd never see you again.
OK, down, boy.
Listen, I can't take this
for driving you home.
I wish I could, but I can't,
so, here, take it back.
I would have left it
at the front desk...
but it's very valuable.
Take it.
I can't take that. It's yours.
Take it, damn it!
Why are you doing that?
Because I haven't brushed yet.
Well, so long. Enjoy your visit.
Wait. Eve, please wait.
Please, do not follow me.
Don't do it.
I knew this would happen.
You're like a lost puppy.
Can't you talk to me
for just one little second?
Damn, I should have
taken the money and run.
That's what Troy told me to do,
but did I listen? No.
Will you put your hand down?
Who's Troy? Is he your husband?
Or a boyfriend?
Thank you!
Stop that! Don't do that!
Listen, I know you like me, OK?
I can tell.
But, you know what?
A lot of guys like me.
Not me exactly. It's my legs
or my butt or my hair...
or some combination
of the above.
I think it's the eyes.
The eyes?
Great. An eye man.
Anyhow, it never works out.
OK? Not that you even
need to know that.
You look like crap.
What have you been doing?
Watching television in color.
In color? No kidding.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Yeah. See ya.
Why doesn't it ever work out?
What?
Why doesn't it ever work out,
you and men?
Why? Who the hell knows?
If you promise to leave me
alone, I'll tell you why.
It never works out...
because I am into legs
and hair and butts myself.
So I wind up with guys
who are very good-looking...
but even more shallow than I am,
if you can picture that.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go find...
another low-paying,
demeaning job...
where some guy named Jerry
keeps telling me...
how lousy his marriage is.
-Why not go to work for me?
-Doing what?
Helping me sell
all my baseball cards...
and buying enough
food and supplies...
to fill several large trucks.
Food and supplies?
Who for, starving people?
They're not starving yet,
but they do need help.
How long would you need me for?
Two weeks.
What's the pay?
What's fair?
I gotta make at least
a thousand dollars a week.
You got it.
-Wait here while I get changed.
-Sure.
Here you go.
Why would someone need...
twenty-six yacht batteries?
I don't know.
I just work for the guy.
And who does he work for,
the CIA?
Pipe tobacco.
I'm going to need all of this.
Toilet paper.
Is there a sale?
Well, another day,
another dollar.
Will you stop staring at me?
Sorry.
I'll pick you up
at 8:00 in the morning.
You know, Eve, I was thinking--
Good night.
We'll need to rent
a refrigerated truck...
for the beef and poultry.
Well, it's your life.
And by the way, it's a dandy.
Think we're also going to have
to get another locker.
It's no problem. We'll just
sell another baseball card.
Coming down.
You know, Eve...
And--and don't get mad,
OK, but...
I would just be lost
without you.
Thanks.
And I guess...
I guess that...
I think that you and l--
Adam,
don't even think about it, OK?
I'm sorry.
I know that sounds mean...
but it would be a lot meaner
if I didn't say it, OK?
Let's take this truck back,
and I'm hungry.
Are you getting in?
There's something else
I'd like you to help me with.
Name it.
I'm afraid this is going
to sound a little bit crazy.
I'm sure it will.
Then forget it.
No, no. I'm sorry.
What is it?
Eve,
I want you to help me find...
a wife.
-A wife?
-Yes.
What for?
Because I want to get married.
Why?
Because I don't want
to be alone.
Well, you can be single
and not alone.
Marriage bites.
-Bites what?
-The big one.
It does?
Sure.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Everybody knows that.
I mean,
ask my divorced brothers...
or my divorced mom and dad.
Everybody knows that.
They're all divorced?
Everybody's divorced.
What kind of wife
you looking for?
Oh, um, well...
one who's not a mutant.
No dogs, huh?
OK. Cool.
And if it's possible...
I'd like to marry
someone from Pasadena.
Um, when do you need her by?
Two weeks?
Well, I can probably
get you laid in two weeks...
but to locate a non-mutant wife
from Pasadena...
will take some time.
That's what I was afraid of.
What do you mean,
you can get me laid?
Uh, can we talk about that
a little later?
-Of course.
-Great.
Lord, bless this food
we are about to receive...
and make us ever mindful
of the needs of others.
And bless my mom...
and bless my dad...
and bless my new friend Eve.
Amen.
Get out.
-The engine is still running.
-Now! Get out!
Yes, ma'am.
-Stop the "Ma'am" crap.
-Sorry.
You almost got us killed.
I told you,
I've never driven before.
Well, never drive again.
You said it would be easy.
Well, I was wrong!
-Say, is this your house?
-Yes.
I like it.
What are you
bitching about now?
What are you doing here?
I forgot some of my stuff.
-Your stuff?
-Yeah.
Let me see that.
Oh, you came back
for your underwear.
Excuse me.
These are Ralph Laurens.
How'd you get in?
Thanks.
And who's this
interesting looking fellow?
This is Adam.
Adam, this is Cliff.
How do you do?
I do fine, Adam.
How about yourself?
You, uh...
doing any good lately?
Go home, Cliff,
wherever that might be.
Sheena Gilroy's apartment.
You remember her. She's
the model who went to Harvard.
Well, I'd better be going.
Bye, Adam.
-Nice coat.
-Thank you, Cliff.
It was very nice to meet you.
That's a nice parking job, too.
May I ask you a question?
He's a former boyfriend.
We lived together
for about six months...
and, yes, I still have
sort of a thing for him.
That's what you wanted to know,
isn't it?
No. I was going to ask you...
why Cliff likes to wear
another man's underpants.
What?
This guy is unbelievable.
I knew you'd like him.
I know. It's like he's from
"X Files" or something.
He's got all these easily
negotiable properties, right?
And he's obviously
setting up something big--
maybe a self-sustaining island
off the coast of South America.
Or maybe he's the leader
of some cult...
that's into practices involving
poultry and pipe tobacco.
You have very nice ceilings.
-Do l?
-Mm-hmm.
Well...
you like ceilings?
Not particularly.
Ah. Well, I hope you like this.
It's fresh sea urchin
wrapped in seaweed.
I love sushi.
I love Lucy.
Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
Here you go--
one champagne cocktail.
Oh, thank you.
I thought only hookers
drank those things.
Well, I know Mom
sure likes them.
Well, dinner's in fifteen.
Why don't we sit down and chat?
So, Troy, what do you do
for a living?
Oh, I design web sites.
And, Adam...
where on Earth are you from?
Out of town.
That's all he'll say.
It's a very small place.
People don't even know
it's there.
And it's called?
Maybe Eve can guess.
She's psychic.
Is she?
Since when?
Since I got rear-ended
in Palm Springs.
Well, then,
Miss Dionne Warwick...
why don't you tell us
what town he's from?
All right. Give me your hand.
Oh, Lord.
I'm not promising anything.
-Are you OK?
-Mm-hmm.
I see snow--
Iots of snow...
way up north.
Are we getting hot?
Yes...
You live in Alaska...
and the only way in and out
of your place is by plane.
And you definitely came here
for food and supplies...
and to find a wife.
That was right?
Got goosebumps all over me.
I'm clairvoyant, butthead.
Why wouldn't you just go
to Nome...
to get supplies and a wife?
Isn't that a lot closer?
Yeah, right. That's where
you'd go to find girls--
Nome.
He's gay, by the way.
Well, good for you.
Well, we try.
Can I ask you some questions?
When did Alaska become a state?
And who owned it before we did?
Russia.
And when did we get it
from them?
We purchased it for seven
point two million dollars--
a tidy sum then as well as now.
I'm quoting my father,
of course.
All right,
what's the state capital?
Juneau.
Hello? It's Anchorage. Gotcha.
Sorry. That's the largest city.
Where's he going?
He's going to check
your answers on his computer.
He has a computer?
-Sure.
-In the house?
No, actually,
it's in the backyard.
Of course it's in the house.
It's in there.
May I be excused, please?
Thank you.
Who are you?
I'm the mother.
It's the mother!
Troy, I suppose
those tall buildings...
we saw this morning are new?
Yeah.
Almost all of them, anyway.
The recovery's impressive.
Recovery?
Oh, yeah. They rebuilt
the freeway in only six months.
-Really?
-Uh-huh.
That's amazing.
I'm very impressed.
-Oh, well, that's impressive.
-Are you sure I look OK?
Oh, trust me, you look fabulous.
Thank you, Troy.
So, what do you think?
It works.
Maybe I should show you
the entire trousseau--
shirts, sweaters, socks,
the whole thing.
No. First, let's show her these.
Eve, can I skate
around your block?
How about it, Eve?
Can he skate around your block?
Just a few laps.
It won't take long.
Look.
Adam, will you go skate
on the bike path?
-Where?
-The bike path. It's over there.
God, I wish I could wear
those pants.
All right, girl, hit that ball.
I get it.
I finally get it.
You have to see it
to understand it.
Because he must.
Haven't you ever heard
the saying...
"He hasn't got enough sense
to come in out of the rain"?
You know...
my father, who is a scientist...
says that everything
is a miracle.
Everything.
Until recently, I wasn't sure
what he meant by that.
No kidding. Listen...
you still want to go
girl hunting tonight?
Oh, yes, I certainly do.
But, I mean, you know...
this whole business
of finding you a wife...
it's pretty ridiculous,
don't you think?
-No, it isn't.
-Yes, it is.
A girlfriend, maybe,
but a wife, it's...
Well, then help me
find a girlfriend.
That's all I ask.
I'll tell you what. I'll give
you every single card I've got.
Screw you. You think I'm just
somebody you can buy off?
I didn't mean that at all.
Eve, you're my best friend.
Would you do it because
you're my very best friend?
Thank you, Eve.
Well, why did we park
way back there?
She doesn't allow total
strangers to drive her car.
-What?
-Ladies first, Troy.
-That was close.
-Uh-huh.
My goodness gracious,
this place is something.
Look unimpressed.
Yeah, bored, even.
Try vaguely bored.
Unimpressed,
but still interested.
Not crazy.
-Do I look crazy?
-Yes.
Just, uh, be loose.
-Just be yourself.
-That's always good advice.
Well, for him. It doesn't work
with the rest of us.
Of all the clubs in all
the towns in all the world...
you walk into mine.
So welcome to Club 40's...
where the party never stops.
Ah, Jason, Jonathan...
this is Adam.
Adam, that's them.
Hi. How do you do?
It's very nice to meet you,
Jason and Jonathan.
My mother always said...
that when you meet someone
for the first time...
it's always easier
to remember their names...
if you use those names
right away, Jason and Jonathan.
He's from Alaska.
Hi there, Eve.
Who's the hunk?
Get lost, Sophie.
Hi. I'm Sophie.
Hi. How do you do?
I'm Adam Webber.
Adam lives in Alaska.
No shit?
-Vous parlez franais?
-Oui.
Moi, je parle un peu franais.
Oh, you speak beautiful French.
J'ai habite paris un an.
Paris--
c'est la vie des lumieres...
-n'est-ce pas?
-Oui.
-C'est le pays d'amour.
-Bien sur.
C'est bien que
je vous aie rencontree...
parce que je n'ai pas
eu la chance de pratiquer.
Si tu veux,
nous pouvons pratiquer...
beaucoup de choses ensemble.
Tais-toi.
Au revoir.
Je m'appelle Adam Webber.
Quit showing off.
We're here on business.
I thought we were here
to meet women.
-Not that one.
-I like her.
Now, Sophie,
when you fly to Paris...
do you check these,
or are they carry-on?
They're carry-on.
Excuse me.
What are you drinking?
Oh, this is a Rob Roy.
It's a very popular drink
I'm told.
How about her?
No way.
Why not? l--I think
she's very attractive.
She's got "bitch"
written all over her.
You do know what "bitch" means,
don't you?
Well, yes, I do.
I do have a dictionary...
but I can't understand
for the life of me...
why you would say that
about her...
or why Cliff would say that
about you.
I think for you
we should aim for...
sweet.
OK. I like that.
Yeah, sweet.
That's a lovely way
of putting it.
There's Miss Sweet over there
by the hors d'oeuvres table.
Look.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Could be.
Yeah, go on, Romeo. Say hello.
She looks
like a non-mutant to me.
OK. All right.
What do I say to her?
Oh, say something surprising...
something funny--
Lie, if need be.
-Lie?
-Oh, yeah.
Lying can be
a very effective dating tool.
All right.
Here I go.
I don't think
I want to watch this.
Surprising and funny.
Well, I know "the duck
who bought some lip balm."
Lie.
I was wondering
if you could help me.
I, um, seem to have lost...
my Congressional Medal
of Honor...
around here somewhere.
Now, that's a great one.
This is my new friend.
Hi. I'm Heather.
I don't believe I've ever
heard that name before.
Yeah, do you dance?
Why, I took a dance lesson
every day of my life...
up until a couple of days ago.
-You're kidding.
-No, no, I did.
Shall we dance?
-Sure.
-Yeah?
Wait for me.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, no.
Will you please excuse me?
You -- you go to the bathroom.
What, right here?
I thought I should check.
You're being so bossy.
Thank you both very much
for the dance.
Thank you.
I have to go to the bathroom.
-You wanted to see me?
-You're not from Alaska.
Where the hell did you learn
to dance like that?
And there are
no starving people, are there?
Why are you so angry with me?
What, you think
I'm some kind of sap?
No, I don't.
I admire you.
I fell in love with you
the very moment I saw you.
I want you to stop lying to me.
All right.
I'll tell you everything.
In 1962--
Well, well, well.
Don't we clean up nice?
Well, hello, Cliff.
How are you this evening?
Not bad...
though I do miss
that green sport coat of yours.
Oh, why, thank you, Cliff...
but that's my seat,
and I was just about--
Come have a drink up at the bar.
Sure.
Excuse us.
It's all yours.
Please excuse this interruption.
Oh, brother.
Eve, I don't mean to be rude,
and, Cliff, please excuse me...
but, Eve, isn't Cliff
just a butt with hair?
What?
I'm sorry. And legs--
Legs, butt, and hair.
And shallow as well.
Shallow?
Adam, why don't you go home?
Go back to the hotel.
Yeah, before I kick your ass.
I must warn you, Cliff,
I do know how to defend myself.
Oh, do you?
Stop it, you two.
Nice move.
Yeah, he's right. Maybe
we shouldn't fight in here.
I agree.
I'm sorry. He was going to...
Maybe we shouldn't fight at all.
I mean...
fighting's pretty immature
when you think about it.
It certainly is.
I'm leaving.
That's probably a good idea.
I'm sorry.
Well...
good night, everyone.
I'm leaving, too, OK?
And you know what?
lf you want help...
you can ask Troy,
because I quit.
This is ridiculous.
You're ridiculous,
and I'm ridiculous.
I'll buy you another
Rob Roy, huh, champ?
Rob Roy for the gentleman.
Well?
He go back to the hotel?
He might have.
What does that mean?
That means
that we did not leave together.
Well, who did he leave with?
-What's that to you?
-I'm his pimp!
He left with those dancers,
didn't he?
You're the psychic.
Eve the psychic pimp.
You tell me.
Those sluts.
Then again, who isn't a slut
these days, huh?
Where are you going?
-To bed.
-To bed?
Sure. To bed.
I'm not the one
that's in love with the guy.
What?!
Now hold on!
Hold on just a minute.
In the first place...
I do not fall in love
with weirdoes...
who I've only known
for four or five days.
Yes, you do.
And I don't fall in love
with grown men...
who collect baseball cards!
Yes, you do.
Or pee in their pants
when they see the ocean.
Yes, you do.
Or have perfect table manners.
You know,
I asked him about that.
He said good manners...
are just a way
of showing other people...
that we have respect for them.
I didn't know that. I thought
it was a way of acting superior.
Oh, and you know
what else he told me?
What?
He thinks I'm a gentleman,
and you're a lady.
Well, consider the source.
I don't even know
what a lady is.
I know. I thought a gentleman
was somebody that owned horses.
But it turns out...
the short, simple definition
of a lady or a gentleman...
is someone who always tries
to make sure...
that the people
around him or her...
are as comfortable as possible.
Where do you think
he got all that information?
Oh, from the oddest place.
His parents.
I don't think
I got that memo from mine.
And now, I suppose, he's trying
to make those dancers...
feel as comfortable as possible.
He didn't go home with them.
Well...
He went home with Sophie.
She swept him out of the room...
whispering little French
sweet-nothings into his ear.
No, not Sophie. Not Sophie.
Don't tell me that.
So whatcha gonna do, go to
her place and kick the door in?
You're goddamn right I am.
You coming?
You kidding? Sophie'd kill me.
Coward.
Gentleman coward.
So just scare me, why don't you,
you stupid son of a bitch!
I'm really sorry.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
on San Vicente Boulevard...
having unsafe sex
with that slut Sophie.
I know, and I'm really sorry.
I'm limping!
How attractive is that?!
What if this is for life?
-I--I was just gonna say--
-I know.
-And then she--
-I know, I know.
-And I didn't mean to scare her.
-Of course you didn't.
Nothing I do with her
ever seems to be right.
Used to be right up here
with the coffee.
Why don't people
ever fucking...
That's because...
you're a nice boy...
but what Eve needs
is a nice man.
Understand, champ?
Good night.
Good night, Troy.
You still here?
-Let me help you.
-No. I can do it myself.
I know more about first aid than
you know about baseball cards.
Now give me the stuff
and sit down.
Sit!
Let me see.
Give me your knee.
These pants are ruined, right?
I'd say so.
There.
Steady.
Ouch!
There.
Don't be such a baby.
Oh, I'm the baby?
Did, um...
Did you go to Sophie's?
Of course.
And?
She was hospitable.
Hospitable?
But...
it just wasn't
where I wanted to be...
so...
I left as politely
as I could...
and I found a taxi...
and I told the driver
to bring me here...
instead of back to the hotel.
There's a song
that Mr. Como sings...
called
"On the Street Where You Live."
Do you know it?
Sing it to me.
I have often walked
Down this street before
But the pavement always stayed
Beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
Where you live
It's a song
about a young man...
who's overjoyed...
just to be standing
in front of the house...
of the person...
that he loves.
You know, l--
Adam, I know this is stupid...
but humor me.
Have you ever had sex before?
No...
How is that possible?
You better sit back down.
In 1962, when the bomb
was dropped on Los Angeles...
my parents
were in our fallout shelter.
That's where I was born.
We only survived because
it's a huge shelter...
as far as fallout shelters go.
My father worked on it secretly
for years.
When he had to...
he used contractors...
but always from out of state...
and always for only
a portion of the job.
He told them it was a secret
government experiment...
done through Cal Tech.
Now, my dad's not a liar...
but in this case,
he felt he had no choice.
Of course,
it had to be kept a secret.
We only had enough supplies...
to last three people
for thirty-five years.
The really tricky part
was the air-vent system...
but we were able to cut into
the flood-control sewer.
We...
What I would like to do...
is to take you with me
into the fallout shelter.
We could live there
with my mom and dad.
My dad said that if I found
a healthy young girl...
that...that I should
bring her on down.
Why, Eve...
you look plenty healthy to me.
I think it's time to call a cab.
Oh. Of course.
You're absolutely right.
I really shouldn't be over here
at this late hour.
Good night, Adam.
Thank you.
God damn, Adam !
Wait a minute.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I know. I took the Lord's
name in vain again. I--
No. There's an adult bookstore
back there.
I'll be right back.
Give us a sign!
-Amen!
-Yes!
That's all we ask.
Just give us some sort of sign!
Just show us
that we're not alone!
This is, uh...
Hi, Adam. I'm Nina Aron.
-Hello. How do you do?
-Very well, thank you.
I'm with the County
Family Services Department.
Eve tells me you've been
living in a bomb shelter...
most of your life.
Fallout shelter.
There is a difference.
Adam, I'd like to introduce you
to my associate Mr. Brown.
We want you to come with us...
so we can talk some more
about your experiences.
Come where?
My office.
For how long?
Well, that depends.
Well, I thank you very much
for the invitation...
but I'm very busy today.
Perhaps
I could see you tomorrow.
I think you should go
with Dr. Aron.
I think it's the best thing.
I think it's best for you.
I--I do.
All right, Eve. If you say so.
I do.
Could I please just go home?
I was lost,
but I found home this morning.
And if I can just go home...
I promise I'll never bother
any of you ever again.
Let's go talk first.
Yes Ma'am.
Bye Adam.
Bye Troy.
You'll be hearing from me.
What?!
What was I supposed to do?
He told me he wanted
to take me underground.
That's like
"Silence of the Lambs."
It's crazy!
Yeah. You did the right thing.
Where you going?
Oh, my God.
All right, don't worry.
He'll catch him.
Yes, this is Nina Aron.
I've got a runaway, and I'm
going to need police assistance.
-No, you cannot call them.
-Honey, I have to.
If a complaint is made
and the person resists--
No! I cannot have that!
They'll come with their cars
and their guns and--
All right. Calm down.
Now, that young man
needs help...
and you need protection
from him.
I was frightened!
I didn't know what to think,
but, you know...
I believe him.
I think he just--
I really think
he wants to go home--
wherever that might be.
Everybody has to calm down.
That's the most important thing.
You can have
all my baseball cards...
and don't forget
to pay my bills.
Young man, you stop right there!
Stop! Don't get in that truck!
You gotta stop trying
to drive this truck.
Thanks for always being happy.
-What?
-Gay.
That's my car,
you son of a bitch!
Where the hell have you been?
I fell down.
You guys get the license number
on that truck?
What are you asking them for?
They're as screwed up as he is!
Hey, everybody keep calm.
That's the important thing.
Who you talking to,
you stupid...
Mom, Dad...
I'm home.
I've got almost everything
we need.
And this nice man...
Archbishop Melker.
We've met previously.
...and his church group
have volunteered
to help bring it down...
but we've gotta hurry.
Are you in trouble, son?
I think I'm being chased
by a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist?
It happens.
Oh, my goodness.
How bad is it up there?
Horrible.
There's something
on your forehead.
I know.
Is this it?
Well, what are we gonna do
with it?
Give it back to him.
And what if we can't find him?
We'll find him.
Well...
Eve, look what I found
in the suitcase.
It's stock certificates.
I mean, it's got, like--
It's got, like,
IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and...
"Ipana"?
I remember this brand.
I didn't know
they still made this.
Oh. Look at this.
It says "Trademark 1961."
Hurry, my friends!
We have no time to waste!
The son has spoken!
Let's step it up!
Leave my elevator alone
We're losing a ride!
Purchased in 1958 and '59...
ten thousand shares of each?
They'd be worth millions.
Hell, I don't know.
Millions upon millions...
Upon millions.
The stocks,
the baseball cards...
the clothes...
the toothpaste.
The guy's on the level.
Eve,
a man walks into your life...
who's the kindest,
most polite...
most incredibly rich guy
you've ever met.
And I have him committed.
Yes, you did.
Well...
at least I fell for him
before I found out he was rich.
That's new.
He said today
he knew where home was.
Where'd you guys go
this morning?
Just to pick up frozen poultry.
Then?
Then back to the house.
You didn't stop anywhere?
We did.
We stopped at a porn shop.
Yeah, we stopped
at this adult bookstore.
Adam was very excited to see it.
Adam was very excited
to see porn?
Eve, do you think
maybe his home is underneath...
a dirty book store
in the valley?
This is it?
Yeah. Yeah, this is the place.
Do you have a basement?
Believe me, all the really
good stuff is right up front.
Is there a back entrance
or something?
Are you kidding? Of course.
Nice kid. Nice kid.
What are we looking for?
This is ridiculous.
Why would they put a fallout
shelter under a porn shop?
None of this was here
back in '62.
Back then this was all,
like, cute little homes...
and, you know, fruit orchards.
We've come a long way,
haven't we?
I wanna go home.
Yeah. Maybe he'll call, huh?
This is Adam.
Look, I just wanted to thank you
for everything you did for me.
And...
I wanted to tell you that l...
that, uh...
that I--that I wish
so many good things for you.
I wish so hard that
all of your dreams come true.
And...
and that--
and that's all I...
And that's all.
Your ride stinks!
Stay outta here, you drunk!
Adam..?
How long you gonna set it for
this time?
I thought ten years.
Well, it's...
considerably shorter
than before, but...
I was wondering, Calvin,
I mean...
why set the locks at all?
I mean, the radiation's gone.
To keep what's up there
from getting down here.
It's not radiation
I'm worried about.
I would like for you to meet...
Miss Eve Vrustikov.
Adam's told me
such wonderful things about you.
Oh, honey...
excuse us, please.
We haven't entertained
a guest...
In quite some time.
Oh, Eve, what--
what can I offer you?
Mom, Eve and I have to go.
Oh, Adam, you just got here.
I can't explain right now...
but I want you to set the locks
for two months.
You've got more than enough
of everything...
and then we'll be right back
to get you.
But I don't understand.
And I'm asking you
to trust me...
without understanding why.
In that case, of course.
Oh, of course, son.
They really are
wonderful parents.
Oh, Adam, could you at least
stay for dinner?
Well...she...
You must.
Perfect.
Now tell me
if you heard this one.
Duck walks into a drugstore.
This gravy
is an old favorite of Calvin's.
Now, Eve,
the platter's down here.
Would you get that, honey?
The sperm swims toward the egg.
Into the egg.
-Why?
-Because it must.
But why?
Because it's out there.
I don't mean to be nosy,
but are you and Adam dating?
Yeah, we are.
And I'm from Pasadena.
And you thought
your parents were weird.
It's truly amazing
what you can get done...
when you have unlimited funds.
Do you know you can have
whole houses built...
in just a matter of months?
It's like the Garden of Eden,
don't you think?
All you have to say is this...
"I don't care what it costs."
And then, of course,
you've got to really mean it...
which no one ever does.
It took a while to convince
Archbishop Melker...
that Adam wasn't God...
and he was pretty broken up
about it, too...
until I showed him my plans...
for Los Angeles' hottest
and most original night spot.
It's my goddamned malt shop.
Now let's just figure out
what's gonna happen here.
Now I want
the whole ownership...
of everything downstairs, right?
I want one of my guys
at the door.
Our idea
was to bring Adam's parents...
up to the surface very slowly...
make them very comfortable...
and then break
the bad news to them...
that there was
no nuclear holocaust.
Oh, son.
And here you go. Oh, careful.
It's hot.
Careful.
Have you ever in your life...
seen a son who did more
for his parents?
This is beautiful.
It's absolutely beautiful.
Well, uh...
we seem to have everything...
but, you know...
it's not much different...
from a fallout shelter.
No, Calvin.
This is different.
Believe me.
This is great...
son.
By the way...
Eve. Her last name.
Vrustikov.
That's not Russian, is it?
No, it's Ukrainian.
Her grandparents immigrated.
Dad, I don't know
how to tell you this...
and I was gonna wait
for a while to do it, but...
Dad, there was no bomb.
A plane crashed
in our backyard.
I looked it up
in old newspapers.
-You sure?
-Positive.
The Soviet Union collapsed
without a shot being fired.
The cold war's over.
That's what everyone believes.
Oh, yes, sir.
Mm-hmm. It's true.
What, the politburo...
one day said...
"we give up"?
Yes, just...
That's kinda how it went.
By gosh!
These commies are brilliant.
You have to hand it to them.
No, we didn't drop any bombs.
Oh, yeah. Our evil empire
has collapsed. Poor us.
I'll bet...
they even asked the West
for aid.
Right?
Um, I think they did.
Oh, boys.
Dinnertime!
Pot roast.
I tell ya.
Funny guy.
-Don't tell your mother.
-No.
Adam says that
this is simply how things work.
First the parents
take care of the children...
and then the children
take care of the parents.
He says, historically,
that's how it works.
Damn commies.
Whenever Adam gives me...
such obviously
incorrect information...
I just smile,
slap him on the knee...
and look out the window.
Why spoil his dreams?
They're such wonderful dreams.
From Trinity
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