Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber (2005) Movie Script

Perfect.|Just perfect.
Okay Dove,|move closer to your sister.
Mom, give me a big smile.
Great. We're beautiful! Now|let's get one with the groom.
Where is Nathan?
Stan, could you make this quick? I'm|kind of in the middle of something.
Katya, I'm in jail,|I'm your tax accountant...
and you're probably|going to get audited.
-Is that good enough?|-Your point is?
You need to start|a tax journal...
and write down all|of your expenses.
Darling,|I'm not the bookkeeper.
I have a frantic social|calendar, a thriving career...
and a scandalous love life.
Well, unless you want to add 'imminent|prison sentence', you'll do it.
Oh my God!
What are you doing?
Taking a breather. The best man|really lives up to his title.
He's not the best man!
I'm Nathan, the groom.
My God. I'm sorry.|I really am.
I missed the wedding.|Just got here.
Great! You found him!
Thank you.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Katya!|Katya, wait!
Would you stop stalking me?
It's over, okay! Don't|I have a restraining order?
Yes. Sweetie, come on...
I'll never get a girl.
It's a great deal, man.
How much?
-Which one?|-The Dalmation.
Come on, Darling,|don't pout.
Every socialite in San Francisco|is going to see me with that bag.
Honestly,|you should be paying me.
First entry of stupid|tax journal...
Nazi accountant|is forcing me to keep.
Mont Blanc pen to write down|expenditures: two hundred dollars.
Bang & Olufson|mini-recorder...
since Mont Blanc|chipped manicure:
free,|as pilfered from office.
Spent two thousand dollars on wear|and return gown for Dove's wedding.
Worn to wedding,|funeral and bar mitzvah.
Still has tag,|and luckily, no stains.
Thank God for 30 day|return policy.
A tax journal?
Something about 'over|declared business expenses.'
I don't know, who has the time?
If you still need write-offs, you|should reconsider adopting Sabelo.
The orphan from Uganda|I was telling you about.
You can sponsor him through Youth Aid,|the non-profit I volunteer for.
Eliza, I told you I barely|have time to keep a journal...
let alone breast feed|an orphan.
He's eight.
You can't smoke in here.
You know what?|You're better than the patch.
So, how was your date|last night?
Horrible. He fell into a|manhole and now he's suing me.
Let me guess.|The Curse of Namambo?
I haven't had a boyfriend in|three years because of it.
-When it's going to wear off?|-Elevator's here.
I don't know when it's going to end,|but that's what you get when...
you try to pay a West Indies high|priestess ten bucks to do you cornrows.
I thought I was supporting|the local economy!
It just goes to show you|you try to do a good deed...
and you end up with a voodoo curse|that cripples potential husbands.
This is why I avoid|philanthropy.
-Good morning.|-Good morning, Eliza.
Katya, you're late.
By, like, five minutes,|Gatekeeper.
Where'd you get that bag?
I went to Lulu Guinness|and I bought it.
They cost a fortune.
Darling, don't you know that|looking good is everything?
No matter how much it costs?
Wait!|I made seaweed snacks.
They're totally organic.|No sugar, no flour...
No fun.
Sorry.|She doesn't mean it.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Sebastian.
Sebastian who?
What is that thing|in my office?
What thing?
That pre-pubescent|thing in my office?
You must mean the new hire?
Mr. Cosgrove will be in|shortly to explain it to you.
How am I supposed to get any work done|with someone breathing next to me?
It is an office|for two people, Katya.
I do not need this right now!
-I will be in boss-man's office.|-You are not allowed.
Not allowed?
You know, actually,|I forgot...
I got you a little something.
Lulu Guinness?
For me?
Stan, darling, if I adopt|a Third World child...
can I claim an exemption|as a single mother?
You mean you're going|to be a mom?
No, silly.|It's like rent-a-kid.
That Sally Struthers thing,|'for 79 cents a day, blah blah'
Thank god. I mean, I'm|moved by your selflessness.
So, yes or no|on the exemption?
No. But the IRS loves charitable|deductions. So do it.
Now this is|really important...
Katya, what are you|doing in my office?
Don't you want to talk to me|about that child in my office?
As a matter of fact I would|like to talk to you about that.
It seems that you have now scared away|another assistant art director.
And this time|in a record two weeks.
It is not my fault that she|couldn't handle the competition...
or that I'm a good|eleven pounds thinner.
Is this a bad time?
This is a perfect time.|Come on in. Come on in.
Now you can meet our new assistant|art director. This is Sebastian.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sure it is.
Lyle, if you|had consulted me first...
I might've suggested someone old enough|to take clients to drinks.
Actually, I'll be|twenty-one in a month.
Whatever he lacks in age, he|more than makes up for in brains.
He's a smart kid, you know he|graduated from your Alma Mater.
Of course. Can I have a word|with you? Alone?
Sure, I'll just|be in our office.
It's such an honor|to meet you.
Our office? I'm not sharing|an office with that tween!
This is an ad agency,|not Romper Room!
Will you hold that thought while|you're stepping away from my desk?
Thank you.
Look, Katya, I tried to find|someone with real experience...
but the truth is no one|will work with you.
-Your reputation proceeds you.|-Really?
Stop that. It's not good to|be known as a prima donna.
Even though my last Campbell's|campaign doubled their sales.
You're the one who told me you|needed help with the workload.
You have Dr. Bolls|tomorrow at noon.
Take him under your wing.|Use him however you need.
However I need?
He's a dead man.
Carrot celery and wheatgrass|for me, thank you.
Non-fat milk.
-What is that?|-Baryshnikov.
-What's that?|-Skinny white Russian.
I thought you couldn't do lunch|because you had too many errands?
Darling, that's what|a cabana boy is for.
After dropping off|my drycleaning...
he cleaned|my make-up brushes...
and then took the rest of his lunch|off to pick up my birth control.
Katya! That's horrible! He's|an assistant, not a slave.
Of course he's not. I would|never take advantage of him.
He does have a nice ass.
This is why you can never keep|a relationship, you objectify men.
He's not a man. He's a boy.
And the reason that I have|trouble keep a relationship...
is because the men I go out with are|not worthy of my inner goddess.
Your standards|are way too high.
What is wrong with wanting a man that|has the looks of George Clooney...
the real estate|of Donald Trump...
and the bank account|of Bill Gates?
Because, for the hundredth|time, he doesn't exist!
Yes he does. I just|haven't found him yet.
And until I do, I'm prepared|to be a single mother.
-Excuse me?|-I'm ready to adopt Sabelo.
Katya, I'm so thrilled!
You're making a difference|in a child's life.
What do I have to do|to get the write-off?
PS: That Aunt Jemima thing|out. Kapish?
'I'm always dressed|in head-to-toe designer...
prefer platinum|to white gold...
and frequent all the best|restaurants in San Francisco.'
Katya, the child lives|in a dung hut.
I know! And he lists his|favorite hobby as 'eating'.
So we already|have so much in common!
Listen, I'm happy to help|with your personal stuff...
but I also really want to help|you on your campaign, please.
You've already got so much on|your plate it makes me tired.
Anyhow, I think I'm going|to take a ciggie break...
while you finish up|my 'to do' list.
I thought you were quitting?
It's not lit.
But don't tell anyone. I don't|want to miss out on the break.
Speaking of, time's up.|You coming?
I'm not finished.
Je ne sais quoi, check.
I didn't know what size you wanted,|so I got you the super pack.
Do I know you?
Good afternoon.
Gas chamber|or lethal injection?
I am on a break.
I'm sorry.
Next up, Melissa Rivers|on In the Know.
Watch out San Francisco! You have|no ideal what's coming your way...
Socialite sisters|Dove and Fawn Greenstein...
well,|they sent out these keys.
Invitations to the Royal Ball, the|biggest party to hit this city, ever.
Anyone who is anyone is gonna be here|benefitting Youth Aid International.
It's going to be|the most exclusive party...
more exclusive|than Oprah's fiftieth...
more decadent than|Puffy's White Party!
And this key, this will|open the front door...
Where's my key?
to Covington Castle.
,Had to call best friends|Ferguson and Frangipani.
Meet me at 17th and Market|Street! It's an emergency!
Maybe it's in the mail...
You're right.|I have to be invited.
You're definitely invited.
Teddy, why is it|so freezing in here?
You should've|dressed accordingly.
-It's June!|-Come on, it's called Igloo.
-There's two more ice-tinis.|-I mean why wouldn't I be invited?
Will you stop! You're|definitely invited, okay.
And in case you're wondering...
I think that I'm in love.
Okay, I'll bite,|who is he?
I told you not to mix|business with pleasure.
Please. Office romances|are tr?s common, sweetie.
You are an escort, darling.|Not an insurance salesman.
Okay, whatever...
Sorry I'm late. I was|speed dating for a billionaire.
You just got divorced from your|fourth husband three weeks ago.
But I'm so lonely.|I hate being single.
I don't know how|you two do it.
So, what's the emergency?
The Royal Ball!
Will you tell her that|she's invited, please?
Of course she's not invited.|Dove Greenstein hates you.
She does not hate me!|Fergie, does she hate me?
No, she... Well...
you tried to sleep with her ex-husband|before he was an ex...
That was months ago.|People move on.
I did not sleep with him|he was up my dress.
I've been meaning to ask you to read|this novel I've been working on.
Hello?|In the middle of a crisis here.
-I don't want to bug you.|-You already are.
It would mean a lot of me if you|would read it and give me some notes.
And the grant deadline's|in two weeks...
and twenty-five thousand|dollars is a lot of money.
Twenty five thousand dollars?|What do I get out of it?
What do you mean?
I mean how long|do we all get free drinks?
You know what, they've been|really cracking down on us...
make it 3 month and you've got a|deal. Drop this off at my office.
Next round...
Why me?
Because you're too charitable|for your own good, that's why.
Now see, why don't you do|tell that to Dove Greenstein?
Don't worry. These socialite|soirees are so overrated.
That's an invite|to the Royal Ball!
I was just trying|to make you feel better.
How could you think that I was going|to miss the party of the century?
-Anyone who's anyone will be there.|-Well, except for her.
I'm kidding. Who cares about|the stupid party, anyway?
I do.
That invite better be|in my mail at work.
If it's not,|my life is over.
I'll be banished|to social Siberia.
Too bad you burned your Uggs.
-You're really overreacting here.|-No I am not.
Take it from someone in advertising.|Image is everything.
Katya, your Dr. Boll's|presentation has been moved up...
to nine a.m. tomorrow|morning. Don't be late.
Work. What an|unpleasant interruption.
Especially after spending|entire evening building a buzz.
Which reminds me|drinks at Igloo: free.
Thanks to agreement|with bartender.
Initial contribution towards|adopted child: 79 cents...
new La Perla thong:|ninety dollars...
soiled current one after running into|man of my dreams on smoke break.
,Have yet to learn his name, but|will refer to him as 'Thor'...
because of Viking|good looks...
Am anticipating many expenses|for upcoming Royal Ball.
Can't believe Ferguson and Frangipani|think it's okay not to go.
But what else should I expect from a|musical theater queen male escort...
or my Korean ex-nail tech|turned-black widow billionairess?
Only fourteen days|'til the ball.
Must be brilliant, as have several|reasons to get to work before noon.
Dr. Bolls...
Dr. Bole's...|they're heaven for your soles.
You were great.|You make...
What happened to Nemo|and the bosses fish?
What does it look like?
Poor Lyle,|I mean Mr. Cosgrove...
He's really upset.
We're going to send|them for an autopsy.
So, obviously you got|my message last night.
After last call. I stayed up all|night working on my presentation.
I'm going to go in there and|talk to my very pleased boss.
I'm allergic to feathers.
Could you hold this?
To the fish.
Lyle, I just heard...
but come on, why the long|face? We just had a home run.
You were perfect, as always,|my little angel.
So, the good news is Rice-A-Roni|is looking for a new image...
they're going to need a new|advertising agency.
Now I've already given|the market research...
and all the product lines|to Sebastian.
Hold on...|I want you to present.
-When?|-Next week.
Is that an invite|to the Royal Ball?
Yes, it is. I donate|to Youth Aid International.
So do I!
Well then I guess|I'll see you there.
I wouldn't miss it|for the world.
Good. Then that night we can|celebrate you landing Rice-A-Roni.
How did Lyle get tickets|to the ball and I didn't?
Because he's a six-figure|donor to Youth Aid.
So far, you've only|contributed seventy-nine cents.
I have an idea.
Why don't you volunteer with me.|We'd have so much fun.
Working the event is worse|than not going at all!
What are you doing?
I'm working.
I told you,|there's no time for that!
Go fetch me a nonfat latte|and a nicotine patch, pronto!
I have a very important|meeting in half an hour.
With a client?
He has clients...
After spending twelve dollars on|cab ride to house boat at Fisherman's...
and a buck ninety-nine|on Charles Shaw wine...
Was forced to descend on Ferguson|who's trying to kill himself again...
over another client|turned lover.
He's not here...
Go away.
I'm coming in.
No, not again...
Spare me the Sylvia Plath.
The oven's electric.
Lemme guess. Hans?
Listen to me, he's a no-good|German cheapskate!
You need a boyfriend|who's going to love you...
no matter how much you cost!
Now am I right or am I right?
Do it.
Do it.
Since ninth grade, when|I took you under my wing...
have I ever steered|you wrong?
-Well...|-Other than the home perm thing?
Good. Then let's not|cry over spilled German.
-Come on.|-What?
Now on to more|pressing issues...
I need you to call Dove Greenstein|and pretend to be my assistant.
Don't you have an assistant?
But not with your wit, or your|charm, or unique flair.
I get it, I get it.
You need your gay assistant|to call, I understand.
Dial the number.|Watch the magic, baby.
This is why we're friends.
Okay, it's ringing.
Greenstein residence.
Hi. This is Ferguson from|Katya Livingston's office.
-With whom am I speaking?|-This is Laurie.
-Hi Laurie, how are you?|-Fine, and you?
I'm doing fine|thank you very much.
Laurie look, we were just|going over Katya's schedule...
we were wondering, she didn't|get an invite to the Royal Ball...
-We're hoping it was some sort of...|-Probably was some sort of oversight.
Probably some sort of oversight.|That's what we were thinking.
-Will you please hold?|-I will absolutely hold.
You want to thank me now?
Hi, Fergie is it?|This is Dove Greenstein.
Miss Greenstein,|how are you?
Just so you hear it from the horse's|mouth. There's been no oversight.
There's been no oversight?
Dove, darling?|Hi, it's Katya.
I just caught the tail end of your|conversation with my assistant.
What seems to be the trouble?
Katya, darling.|There's no trouble.
I was just explaining how we didn't|include you on our guest list.
You know how|these things are, dear.
We had to|cut it off somewhere...
so we cut it off at those|who'd slept with our husbands.
But you made so much money|off the infidelity clause!
I know, but when you leaked|my real age to the Gazette...
-Dove, no one's 29.|-I am!
Anyways, now that the Sultan of|Brunei is bringing his harem...
well, we're absolutely|at capacity.
But take care dear.|Good to chat.
Are you okay?
No! The Sultan of Brunai|is bringing his hoes...
and I'm not invited!
So what are you going to do?
it's electric. Remember?
Oh my God. I'm going|to get a huge fine.
I'll fix it for you.
Here, hold this.
-Alright. Thanks.|-Thank you.
Going up?
You're so uncool!
Met Thor the love God|in elevator today.
Electric Smile teeth whitener|thirty five dollars.
And quit smoking|again.
,Hoping he works|in the building.
Got to get Eliza to help me|hunt him down.
Please God, don't|let him be married.
Darling, can you get me|a list of every man under 35...
on the fourth floor?
My future husband works there.
You found someone who lives|up to your expectations?
At least in the looks|department he's very leading man.
Katya. Forget about|a fantasy guy.
What if I set you up|with my attorney?
You want me to go out with somebody|who specializes in personal injury?
He's at the top|of his field.
Trust me,|he's a catch.
Then why don't you|date him?
I forgot,|Curse of Namambo.
And the fact|that he eats meat.
You don't want to go out with him|because he's not a vegetarian...
and I don't want to go out|with him because I'm engaged.
Fourth floor, remember?
Come on.
Look who's late.
Is that a mirage, or are|you really wearing a parka?
I was trying|to dress 'accordingly.'
-Igloo's so last week.|-The ice age is so over.
So, how was your|grovel-fest with Dove?
It was a disaster.
I should've known that|bitch would hold a grudge.
She retains everything else.
Do I smell|something burning?
Is something burning?
-It was me.|-It was you.
The only way I'm going to get into this|ball is to be someone's 'plus one?'
Sorry. My ex won|the 'plus one' in the divorce.
Hey, guys.
Teddy, darling, since when|did you start working here?
Since I got frost bite|at Igloo.
So, have you|read my opus yet?
I did. Yeah.
In fact, I mailed it|to the NEA.
No, but I wanted to proof it!|It's a $25,000 grant.
No need.
Thanks, I guess.
No thanks necessary,|just Sand-tinis.
Coming right up.
His book was terrible.
So I just chucked it and|submitted my tax journal instead.
You did what?
At least someone has a chance|to win the twenty-five grand.
Now believe me, I did him|and the NEA a favor.
-So now he owes you one?|-Precisely.
It's too bad he didn't get|invited to the Royal Ball.
Of course not.|He's a nobody.
-Oh my God!|-What?
You just thought of a 'nobody'|who might actually be invited.
Bobby, my ex. He was|Dove and Fawn's dealer.
Don't you have a restraining|order against him, sweetie?
Didn't he tattoo 'I Love|Katya' on his back?
He lasered that off|I think.
You know he's crazy for you.|Like literally crazy for you.
You're no one in this town,|unless you have a stalker.
Bobby,|my actor ex-boyfriend...
played Ewok 4 in Return of|the Jedi with such promise.
Now he's a rabbit.
Want to come to my place|and hump like bunnies?
You big silly rabbit...
that's right,|tricks are for Katya.
Somebody's excited to|see me, Bobby.
Who's Bobby?
-What?|-Who's Bobby?
You're not Bobby?|Get out!
Why does this always|happen to me?
Bobby, darling,|guess who?
Want to come over tonight?
Looks like Cinderella was finally|getting closer to her Ball.
My shrink said|I shouldn't see you.
-You're bad for my mental well being.|-He just wants your money.
-You're not gonna call the cops...|-I invited you here.
So how's the acting|thing going?
Real good. I got|the bunny character down.
In rehab, they said sex might not|be the same without the drugs.
-But with you, it's still magic.|-Rehab?
Six months at Healing Horizons.|I'm clean as a whistle.
-So, you don't deal anymore?|-No. I'm a changed man.
So, you don't see|Dove and Fawn anymore?
Those girls are bad news.
So, you're not invited|to the Royal Ball?
No. What's with|the inquisition, honey?
I just have a quick|phone call to make.
But I love you, Katya,|I love you!
-Thank you, officer.|-But you promised!
Must find a new way|into Ball...
as chariot just turned|into pumpkin.
No expenses worth reporting,|except for the cost of my dignity.
-Could you shut the door?|-We'll always be together, forever.
Knit, one. Pearl, two.
-Good morning.|-Good morning.
Wait! Organic prunes.
-Organic prunes.|-That'll keep me regular.
How was your date last night?
It ended in handcuffs|as usual. Yours?
He broke his ankle, but|at least he's not suing.
Look! You got|a postcard from Sabelo!
-Who?|-Your adopted son!
I was wondering when he was|going to ask for more money.
Listen, I'll be|in my other office.
You are not allowed in|Mr. Cosgrove's office!
I need a moment alone|with my son!
Dear Katya, thank you|for adopting me...
and sending me|your wonderful letter.
You sound fun.
Is it true that if I stopped|listening to the missionaries...
I won't go hungry all|the time...
and could earn as much|money as you some day?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Sabelo.
P.S. Can I call you mommy?
Look at that.|That's where my son lives.
Right there.|Yes.
You know what?|You want a treat?
I could be your mommmy.|Yeah, here you go.
There you go.|A treat for you.
You know what you'd make?
New shoes for Katya.
Good morning,|dear Sebastian.
We've a very busy|day ahead of us.
I need you to run down to the bookstore|and pick me up a copy...
of Running a Small Business|For Profit for my son.
I don't think so.
Do you know where|Sebastian is?
Say hello|to the real Sebastian.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the cameras...
Katya, I'm dead serious.
Look, Sebastian...|darling...
You may be very good|at playing dress-up...
but you have no idea|with whom you are dealing.
What do you know|about advertising?
I know your position at Liquid requires|the least amount of work...
for the most amount of money.
And I also know you won't be|in that position much longer.
My cabana boy is trying|to take my job!
Can you imagine someone|so ruthless...
that they'd stab their|own mentor in the back?
If I remember correctly,|that's how you got your...
I'm not that worried about it.
I could eat the twerp|for lunch.
Speaking of,|let's take one.
Are we really spending the entire|lunch hour in the elevator?
He's bound to get on|at some point.
There's more|than one elevator.
Better odds than Vegas. Now|push four again. We're going down.
But I get motion sickness.
Isn't it easier to just|go to the fourth floor?
And do what? Wander about|aimlessly? That's so desperate.
And riding the elevator hoping|to run into him isn't?
I don't think you're one to|give advice there, Voodoo Queen.
Hello, fourth floor.
Are you okay?
I'm so embarrassed.
No, it's fine.|Can I get you anything?
That's okay. That tie|would make me sick too.
Thank you.
Free seats.
Excuse me.|Coming through.
Ditch the umbrella.|It is so last season.
No I can't. I don't want|to get my sutures wet.
Why would you do that?|Your pecs are fine!
They are not fine. One was a little|bit bigger than the other one.
I demand that you take 'Extreme|Makeover' off your Tivo.
You have developed body|dysmorphic disorder.
I do not!
Learn to love yourself and just stop|trying to be someone you're not.
-No you didn't!|-Yes I did.
-No you didn't, girl.|-Yes I did.
Teddy, darling, when did|you start working here?
Since I got skin cancer|at Dune.
I have a great plastic surgeon, if you|ever need to get a mole removed.
Thanks, but I can't afford|health insurance right now.
So Katya, I called the NEA.
They never got my book.
-What are you insinuating?|-Just drop it, Katya!
I can see right through you!
You think I want to be slinging|drinks my whole life?
You're so good at it! Don't fight that.|Now can we have two Rain-tinis?
-You're cut off.|-What?
You just lost|your drinking privileges.
What about me?
You're with her.
Thanks a lot. You see|what you just did?
-Sorry.|-I have major gossip!
-About who?|-Dove Greenstein.
My God!|Tell me everything!
I don't know. I'm not|one to spread rumors.
Give it up or I will tell him|about your working class past!
I thought you were|a princess from Korea?
I am!
Let's just say Dove has|a hairy little secret.
Dove not only is a brunette,|she's a virtual Sasquatch!
She has a standing appointment|every Thursday at noon!
She even gets her back done!
Are you thinking|what I'm thinking?
Blackmail the ape with|photographic evidence!
-It's like we share a brain.|-I know.
But you'll never get an appointment.|There's a waiting list.
Don't worry, darling. Where|there's a will, there's a Katya.
Okay Karino, Ciao.
Hello, darling. We'd like|to get our hair done.
Do you have an appointment?
No. Did I need one?
This is Arq. You need|one six months ago.
I'm sure you can|make an exception?
This is San Francisco,|sweetie. You're not my type.
You're up.
I'm sorry. You have to excuse|my friend. She's new in town.
But you and I both know|that a man in your position...
not's just going|to bend the rules...
I'm sorry, sweetie.|You're not my type, either.
-Now what?|-Plan B.
I don't think we've|actually been introduced.
I'm Katya Livingston.
Katya, my name is Geoffrey.|Very pleased to meet you.
I think we have|a cancellation, right now.
Look at that.
You know something maybe you|are my type after all.
This way.
-Thank you.|-No problem.
-Where are you doing in a smock?|-I'm having my eyebrows done.
This is about work!|Not primping!
But there's a six month waiting list|to get into this place.
If we're going to be undercover, we|should probably blend in here.
-Good point.|-Of course it is.
-She's undressing as we speak.|-There you go, sweetie. Good luck.
You're going to get some|work on your brows?
-Yes I am.|-Well I'm the receptionist...
but I'm also|the eyebrow specialist.
-Fantastic.|-Would you like me to work on you?
-I would.|-We're going to give you an arc.
Maybe do some tweezing|over here.
I'm going to pluck you|so good, poppy.
What are we waiting for?
Right here, baby.|This is my house.
-This is your house?|-You're invited.
We want to lighten the color of your|hair of your eyebrows a little bit.
I want to feature these eyes.
You have a beautiful face,|you know.
-Thank you.|-What was your name?
-Ferguson.|-Ferguson, that's a beautiful name.
That's fantastic.
Can we help you, miss?
I have a twelve o'clock|appointment.
It must be downstairs.|This is the VIP section.
I am VIP.
No, you're not.|You're black.
And VIPs are red.
I must've grabbed|the wrong smock.
-Color blind.|-Nice try.
My God.
Is he going|to go blind?
Go! Hurry.|I'll go with you.
-Somebody help me!|-Keep going.
You know what?
I'm totally fine. It was|my fault. I'm so sorry.
That was weird. I thought it was|burning. Well, I couldn't see...
Helga, is that you?
Can we start with my back?
I'm feeling really sensitive|today. So, please be gentle.
I said gentle!
Anyway, did I tell you|about the...
party that I'm throwing...
It's going to be|totally insane.
My daddy's hired these Israeli army|guys to keep out the trash.
Seriously, Helga!
At this rate I won't be|able to wear my backless!
Say cheese!
Katya Livingston? What|the hell are you doing?
Getting photographic evidence.
How dare you!|Give me that photo.
Relax, darling. It hasn't|even developed yet.
What do you want?
An invite to the Royal Ball.
I already told you|we have none.
That's too bad. Good headline:|'missing link found!'
Fine.|You win.
Give me the Polaroid and|I'll give you the key.
Do you think|I was born yesterday?
We do it at the same time.|On three...
On second thought,|I don't want to trade.
What? Why?
Because you can't blackmail someone|when their face isn't in frame.
You know what? Watch it,|I bruise easily.
Could this day|get any worse?
I'm so sorry.|Are you okay?
-Fine.|-I'm sorry, it's one of those days.
Tell me about it.
It's a nice Gucci.
Thank you.
Not only do you have|exquisite taste...
but you're possibly the most beautiful|woman I've ever seen.
Your lips...
Where are you going?
It looks good.
Hello, ladies.
Gatekeeper, Nair will help|take care of that problem.
Katya! I just received|a phone call from Youth Aid.
Thanking me|for my contribution?
Not exactly.
You're not supposed to display|your wealth to Sabelo...
in such an ostentatious|manner.
Ostentatious? I was just trying|to bond with the little tyke.
But discussing|your sixfigure salary...
will only make him feel|discontented with his lot.
He lives in a shack with no air|conditioning, DSL, or Tivo!
I can't make him feel any more|discontented than he is!
Dear Mommy...
thank you for the book on how|to run a small business.
I started making toy cars...
out of scrap metal.
Do you think San Francisco would|make a good export market?
And could you introduce me|to Lee lacocca?
I did corrupt|my little orphan!
Katya, could you come|in here, please?
What's the matter?
Cuddles died.
Cuddles... Cuddles...|my little new friend.
My little iguana.
How could he die?|He was so healthy.
But he was fine yesterday|when I was in here.
Before the accounting lady|came in right after.
Khalua called.
They're extremely happy with|the unleash ya campaign.
Good for Katya.
And Rice-A-Roni.|How's that going?
Great. I've been|working day and night.
I even bought|a gown for the Clios.
Fabulous. I can always|count on your consistency.
Now, if you'll excuse me...|I have a funeral to arrange.
You've reached Katya. I'm out|doing something fabulous.
So I'll get back to you|when I'm bored, maybe.
Katya, this is Charles Fitz|calling, Eliza's attorney.
I don't usually|do these things.
But I'm doing it. So, give me|a call when you're 'bored'.
And I can promise you|a nice night out.
Give me a call. Talk to you|soon, hopefully. Bye.
Sorry, Charlie. I don't think|I'll ever be quite that bored.
I think that went well.
I can't believe you gave your|attorney my phone number!
Trust me, I think|you'll really like him.
I told you,|he's not my type.
He has two tickets|to the Royal Ball.
Maybe he is! Why didn't|you tell me sooner?
Because I want you|to like him for him.
What is more important?|True love or some party?
You know what, never mind,|don't answer that.
Charles, it's Katya|Livingston, Eliza's friend.
Listen, I got your message|and would love to meet.
How 'bout Wednesday night|at Mario's on North Beach?
Eight o'clock. Really|looking forward to it. Bye.
What are you doing?
I'm working. You should|really try that sometime.
Look, give it up, Sebastian.
While I was working on the|'Got Milk?' campaign with Lyle...
you were still doing|beer bongs in your frat.
Trust me, you are|no competition.
We'll just have|to see about that.
You do know that your name|is a hair product?
Just saying.
So, is that dinner?
No. Work.
What are you doing?|Why'd you stop the elevator?
I'm inviting you to dinner.
Really? I thought|you were taking me hostage.
If you come to dinner,|I'll start the elevator.
That's blackmail.
I prefer to call it|negotiation.
Okay, you win.
By the way, I'm Chuck.
-Did you say Katya?|-Yes. It's French.
So, where do you want to go?
I know the perfect place.
Where are you taking me? Is this the|short cut to Postrio?
Postrio?|Not exactly.
So, where are we?
Bon appetit.
You're kidding, right?
Would I kid about hot dogs|in the park?
Besides, look around,|this place is beautiful.
And here I was thinking|you were an Armani wearing...
four star restaurant|kind of guy?
I am.
But I like this place.|It's special.
You know, I come here|to think sometimes.
I go to Gucci for that.
Different kind of thinking.
What can I get you?
Hot dog.|Ketchup, mustard, no onions.
Make it two.|And definitely no onions.
No problem.
Keeping your options open?
I can't believe|we actually got a table.
I hear there's a month long|waiting list for this place.
I know the maitre'd.
Very impressive.
I'm very well connected.
So, are you always this|extravagant on your first dates?
Are you calling this a date?
Actually, to tell you the truth, I've|sort of been off dating lately.
Really?|How come?
Bunch of disastrous|experiences.
I can't relate.
I'm kidding.
My ex-boyfriend wore a bunny|suit for his day job.
That's sexy.
Not so much, no.
Let's hear one|of your war stories.
Well, it's not like that,|actually...
I would date these women|who seemed amazing...
on paper.|I have my list.
But then it seemed like all I|was doing was dating a checklist.
Well, there's nothing wrong|with having high standards.
I know I do.
But I think it's what's not on|the list that I'm looking for.
If that makes any sense...
I guess.
Would you excuse me|for a second?
I just remembered I have|to make a quick call...
someone at work.
-Sorry about that.|-That's okay.
You got...
it's just mustard.
I guess it's better than|the foils in the hair.
But still somehow I wish|it had gone differently.
You want to make a wish?
I think I still have some|change left over for dessert.
Here.|Knock yourself out.
And that's what you call|making a wish?
Your eyes open, sort|of hap-hazard toss into the...
There's no feeling in that.
I mean you don't close your|eyes when you're making a wish?
It's not going to come true.
You're going to have|to do it again.
What are you doing?
Well, the quarter's not|going to get itself, right?
You're crazy.
What if it's cold?
Well, I think|it's going to be.
I'm pretty sure it is.
Where's that quarter.
My wish already came true.
Dance with me?
I'd love to.
But I always adhere|to the dress code.
It's cold, put this on.
Well, I guess I better|go inside...
before this officially|becomes a date.
Don't worry about it.|I've given up on dating.
-That was...|-Amazing.
What are you doing Wednesday?
I promise I'll take you|to a proper restaurant.
But first, there's|something you should know...
This Wednesday?
-Hot date?|-Hardly.
It's this dreadful set-up|through a co-worker.
I already committed.
-Listen, Katya...|-I know what you're going to say.
How could I possibly go on|another date after tonight?
Don't worry about it. I just|need a ticket to some ball.
Well, here's your jacket.
Good night, Chuck.
Good night, Miss Livingston.
Katya, it's Chuck.
We're on our date right now.
I don't think you realize|that I'm the guy...
that Eliza set you up with|Charles Fitz.
I thought it would be more|fun to leave you this message...
than to tell you in person.
I'm having a great time.
I can't wait to see you|Wednesday!
Okay, I deserved that.
If you're trying to kill|yourself can I go with you?
Sure. There's plenty of rope|here, I'll tie you up too.
What's wrong?
What's wrong?|I'll tell you what's wrong.
While you were getting|manhandled by security...
I ran into Geoffrey,|you know, that guy I like...
does the little|eyebrow thingy...
We got to talking|and I gave him my number...
and then he never called me.
Do you want me|to make you feel better?
Not only am I not going|to the Royal Ball...
but I just blew it with|Thor-slash-Charles!
He knows I was just|in it for the ticket.
That's pretty bad, baby.
You're probably never going|to hear from him again.
I'm just being|honest with you.
God, some gay|best friend you are!
Come on now.
Your making your little|pouty face, aren't you?
Want me to give you a hug?
I'll give you a hug. I'm going|to make you feel better.
-I'll take away all your pain...|-What is that?
My god!
This? I was going|to tell you about this.
When were you going|to tell me about it?
What are you doing with that?|I was gonna tell you about it.
But I was afraid because you haven't|been thinking clearly lately.
Put the invite down|and no one will get hurt.
What are you doing?|Put that down!
Alright, you're acting|like a lunatic.
Put that down right now.|This is not worth it.
Speak for yourself.
Come on now, sweetie.
Late for work, because|stayed up all night...
trying to figure out how|to apologize to Charles...
without actually having|to say I'm sorry.
Forgive me balloons:|seventy-five dollars.
Box of truffles:|fifty dollars.
Strip-o-gram and lap|dance: 125 dollars plus tip.
Yet still...
Katya, where have you been?
The Rice-A-Roni suits have been|waiting for over an hour!
The San Francisco treat.
Rice-a-Roni.|The San Francisco treat.
-You better get in there.|-Think. Think...
Thank you.
Could you help me|with something?
-Me, help you?|-Don't be difficult.
You could have at least|said Pretty Please.
Anyway, my wife and I,|we were dancing...
we had a good time|over there at Clover.
I know you've heard of Clover,|it's a great restaurant.
But not well known|for their rice pilaf.
-Thank God!|-Sorry I'm late.
I had an emergency.|With my son.
I thought your son|was in Africa?
You want to visit?|I could arrange it.
the San Francisco Treat.
It's catchy.|And it's worked for you.
Probably still does.
But why alienate|the whole country?
So here's what|I'm thinking...
Rice-A-Roni,|the New York treat.
Right there.
The Chicago treat.
The Kenosha treat!
What are you getting at?
Rice-A-Roni has been enjoyed|by Americans from the Mid-West...
to the Rocky Mountains.
And what America really|needs right now...
is a treat.
So your new slogan...
'Rice-A-Roni,|the American treat!'
God bless America!
That's it?|That's your pitch?
Do you have|any creative ideas?
It's Katya Livingston, of|course she has creative ideas.
We're going to run a few more|things up the flag pole.
Why don't you parade out some of the|other great, marvellous ideas.
The ideas that I have,|because I have tons...
There's something I'd like to|present, if I could, please.
It's not what we scheduled.
Well get on with it.|Go.
We're just warming you up.
Rice. It's gotten|a bad rap as of lately.
Lumped together with it's evil|stepsisters bread and pasta...
rice is considered to be|just another carbohydrate.
A grain pushed aside|in our quest to be thin.
But wait.|There's good news, folks!
Rice is not as bad as its|carbohydrate relatives.
Your product, simply|distinguished from its relatives...
a lower carb alternative!
'Rice-A-Roni,|the nice rice!'
The nice rice?
The nice rice.
We love it!
It's the first campaign|one that I haven't nailed.
Nailed? Honey, you didn't even|have the hammer in your hand.
You tanked it.
I'm sorry.|I don't know what happened.
Let me see|if I can illuminate you.
While he was busy working|his ass off...
you were at|the beauty parlor.
Or you were making 300 dollars|a month worth of phone calls...
to the California State|Correctional institute...
speaking to God knows who.
Or you were taking a smoking|break and you don't even smoke!
Yes. It's him.
Thank you.
As if this day|could get any worse...
Cuddles was murdered.
Poisoned.|Just like the goldfish.
Some idiot gave|that poor iguana prunes.
-Prunes?|-Yes prunes.
Who'd be stupid enough|to do something like that?
Wait, Katya, didn't Eliza|give you prunes the other day?
I only eat soup.
Campbell's select,|of course.
Did you have something|to do with this?
Come on Lyle,|you know me.
I'm a humanitarian.|I mean I love animals.
Katya,|I don't know you anymore.
The Katya that I know went|to Stanford University.
But when I called there and|checked with the Alumni office...
do you know|what they told me?
They said Katya Livingston|never even attended the school.
You were checking up on me?
I encouraged him to call.
Katya, you're fired.
But I'm Katya Livingston.
And you're not going to talk|your way out of it.
I am the best|in the business.
I sold shampoo to the bald...
sneakers to amputees...
and contact lenses|to the blind.
I am the Katya Livingston.
Who is still fired.|Now go clean out your desk.
I'm going to have Security|escort you out of the building.
But without me,|Liquid will evaporate.
Sabelo. Mommy will|take good care of you.
That was Security.
They're on their way up|to escort you out.
I won't even have time|to mail these.
That's okay.|I'll do it for you.
You hate me.
Maybe a little.
But now that you're fired,|you're not so bad.
Can I just have a minute,|please? I bruise easily.
I'll get them to send|your stuff to your house.
Why don't you just keep this?|I never put anything in it anyway.
-Thanks.|-That's okay.
Do you guys work everywhere?
In reaction to losing|six figure job...
I decided that life|was too short...
and celebrated birthday|early.
But since only one unemployed,|had to celebrate alone.
Loneliness led to utter boredom,|which can be very costly...
Richard Tyler gown:|Three grand.
Bejewelled Jimmy Choos:|one thousand five hundred.
,Have successfully bought couture|to party I'm still not invited to.
Getting in touch with|inner child: $22.50.
Due to lack of job and|aforementioned shopping spree...
can't afford to pay rent.
Thank God I'm subletting and|name's not on the lease.
Must do something to pull|self out of doom and gloom.
You in the middle?
Katya.|How'd you get in here?
I bribed the receptionist.
How resourceful of you.
I see you got my balloons.
I assumed you were|angry at me...
because I didn't want|to go out with you...
because I needed to go out|with the other you...
in order to nab|the ticket to the ball.
I don't have time for this.
And honestly, you|don't have to explain.
I don't have to explain?
Of course I don't.|You tricked me.
Tricked you? I was just having|a little harmless fun...
and when I go to come clean,|you completely cut me off.
Like you didn't have the entire|night to tell me who you were.
You set me up for this.
Please, but you know what? I'm|glad I didn't come clean.
Because then I got|to know the real you.
And the you that|I went to the park with...
is not the you who'd use someone to|gain entry into a ridiculous party.
But if you want the invitation|so badly, fine.
There you go.
Wrong you.
Regret not grabbing ticket|when had the chance.
Almost led to something|more regrettable...
a mall makeover.
Trench coat and fedora to obtain|unemployment check incognito:
two hundred twenty dollars.
Silver lining to stormy|cloud: winning NEA grant.
Now can afford to pay debts.
,However, still have no boyfriend and|no way to get to the royal ball.
Finally understand cliche,|'money can't buy happiness. '
Stay tuned while we go live to|the socialite event of the year...
and Melissa Rivers.
At the Covington Castle|with everybody who's anybody...
is there right now with|Melissa. Melissa?
Watch out San Francisco!
The night you've all been|waiting for is here.
The night of the Royal Ball,|and we are live...
Yes live|at Covington Castle.
Everybody's arriving early, there|goes the Sultan of Brunai and one...
two, three, four, five...
all five of the favorite|women from his harem.
I don't think they've all|been ever photographed together.
This is a tremendous event.|Don't go away, we're...
Katya? Baby?
What are you doing up there?|We're coming up.
Get out!
Put down the Vicodin down|right now!
I wish. But you used it|all for your damn surgeries.
Plastic surgery kind|of hurts, sweetie.
What are you two doing here?
We're here to help|get you into the ball.
Forget it.|I give up.
Are you serious?|Are you kidding me?
Are you going to let those two ugly|sisters keep you out of the ball?
I wouldn't serve those wretches|tap water out of a dirty glass.
They're nothing|compared to you.
They're not?
What happened|to the Katya Livingston...
who can talk a mad queen out of drowning|himself in a moment's notice?
I don't know.
Where's the Katya Livingston|who introduced me...
-to my first net worth individual.|-I don't know.
Katya Livingston, you have to|fight for what is yours, baby.
And that means your job|that Scandinavian love god...
and your social status!
Now get out of bed right now|and get ready.
I love those.|Those are cute.
You're right!|You're right!
There hasn't been a guest|list or velvet rope...
or moat that's ever kept me out!|I belong in a castle.
We are live at Covington Castle|from the Royal Ball.
And I'm here with Nob Hill|socialite Frangipani Lee!
Who you best know as ex-wife of hedge|fund billionaire Lane Foreman...
ex-wife of of music producer|Randall Jones...
Come on, it's this way.|Don't push me.
I could walk through the front door.|I don't even have to go this way.
Ex-wife of media mogul|David Bowler.
Of course most recently, ex-wife of|sausage heir James Lawndale III.
-It's so good to see you.|-It's good to see you.
You know what? I don't like|water, and I don't like...
sludge... look at all|this green stuff.
If you helped me out we'd|probably get there a lot quicker.
And ruin my manicure?
My hair is already frizzing. At|least let my nails look good.
I know you want to|look good at the party...
and I don't want to die|on the way there.
-Where are we going?|-I don't know.
-This dress is amazing.|-Janine Isrial Couture.
Now are you excited|to get inside?
Is there anyone special that|you're looking forward to seeing?
I'm very excited.
Well wonderful to see you.|Thank you so much for stopping.
Have a great time inside.
We'll be back with more live|from Covington Castle.
Don't go away.
Can someone tell me if there's|anyone on the guest list...
she hasn't slept with or is planning|on marrying and divorcing?
You wait here and I'll meet|you over at the wall.
Alright, come on, baby.
Come on, let's go. I don't want|to hold this thing further.
Thank God I went|with a spike heel.
I guess you really|are a social climber.
It takes one|to know one, sister.
You better hurry, my wrists are|getting limper by the moment.
-You wouldn't.|-I might.
Alright, are you ready|to go in there?
-Am I ready?|-You're fabulous.
-Am I ready?|-You're fabulous.
Now get in there and|do your thing. Come on.
That would have been|quite an entrance...
Who do you think you are,|Bjork?
-Thank you.|-You're welcome.
I need a drink.
Teddy, darling...
since when did you start|doing catered events?
Let me guess...since you caught|pneumonia at Rain Storm?
Close. Whooping cough.
That's too bad. Now can we have|a round of Knight-tinis.
I'll pretend to slip|you a twenty.
Well thanks, Katya.
It's a party.|The drinks are free.
Then, let's party.
Thank you.
I don't care if it is Chanel. Winter|white in July is unacceptable!
At least it distracts|you from the face.
What about her?
Polka dots, black socks,|t-shirt.
It's Eliza...
Katya. You remember Steve?|The guy I puked on?
Ladies, look|who I just ran into.
I really don't need|this right now.
I'm not stalking you anymore.
After that night at your place,|they threw me in jail.
I did a lot of thinking and|realized you're not my type.
I am!
Fabulous! Fergie|finally found his love!
To love!
My god!|Someone do something!
You broke|the Curse of Namambo!
Katya Livingston?
What the hell|are you doing here?
Dove, you look fabulous.
It's the biggest party of the season.|You didn't think I'd miss out?
Cut the crap, Katya.|How did you get in?
I climbed.
What kind of a person would|go to goes to such lengths?
An ambitious one.
Try a sociopath!
For years, you've sunk|to the lowest depths...
to claw your way|to the middle.
You lied. You stole.|You cheated.
In fact you would do just|about anything to get ahead.
But I've got news for you.
You didn't spend thirteen|years at Chapin...
and you never dated|a Vanderbilt.
So, no matter what you do...
you're never going|to belong!
I'm not going to belong?
I'm not going to belong? You're as|phony as your ski slope nose job!
And if you could date|a Vanderbilt...
then why don't you stop slumming|it with extras from the O.C.?
Let's face it, Dove.
You have always been jealous that|my boobs are bigger than yours.
You'll never inspire|a designer...
and you will never have front|row seats at a fashion show.
Katya Livingston,|you're a fake and a fraud.
And after tonight,|everyone's going to know.
-You want a piece of me?|-Do you want a piece of me?
Hold my gold.
I didn't know|you were into that.
Okay everybody,|the show's over!
Should we help her?
If we do, we'll be|social road kill.
Let's wait|until the crowd thins.
I said party, goddamnit!
Ladies and gentlemen, can|I have your attention please?
On behalf of|Youth Aid International...
I would like to present|a short video...
to remind us all|why we are here tonight.
Over the years,|Youth Aid International...
has been connecting|Third World children...
to generous adults|like yourselves...
in our immensely successful|adoption program.
We'd like to thank|Youth Aid International...
and most of all, my adoptive|mother Katya Livingston!
We've all gained two pounds|since she sent us...
the San Francisco treat.
We love you, mommy!
Is Katya Livingston|still here?
She's here...|Hi. Coming.
Hello, Dove.
Katya, on behalf|of Youth Aid International...
I'd like to thank you|for all your efforts...
in helping Sabelo|and his village.
-Thank you.|-Julie, it's been a pleasure.
I mean I've always been|heavily involved in charity.
And when my dear friend Eliza|asked me to sponsor Sabelo...
I knew that I had to do my part|in helping the less fortunate.
Actually, that's a lie.
I adopted a kid|for the tax break.
See, I told you|she was a sociopath!
Security, can we get|rid of this nut job?
Wait! Dove's right.
I am a total fraud.
I lie about everything|just to get ahead.
I didn't graduate Magna|Cum Laude from Stanford...
I barely made it out|of U.C. Santa Cruz.
Teddy, I never submitted|your novel to the NEA.
I won the grant and blew|half of it on this dress.
Lyle, I have shown up late and|left early a thousand times.
I am responsible for the deaths|of your goldfish and iguana.
Eliza, you have always been there for|me no matter how I treated you.
I slept with|the guy you puked on.
And finally...
I tried to use this great guy just|to get into this stupid ball.
I was so worried about being|in the right place...
that I ended up missing|the best thing of all.
Did I mention that I wear|designer knock-offs?
I thought the kid was gold.
Katya, the video|was beautiful.
We can't buy press|like that.
We're going to be in every|paper from coast to coast.
And by the way, focus groups|loved the American treat.
That carb thing|was a total turn off.
Turns out rice has more|carbs than wonderbread.
He lied about the facts.
Lyle, we'll work with you...
but only if Katya|is our point person.
-She's your point person.|-I don't work there anymore...
and I really have to go.
Katya, come on. Please,|think about it.
-I'll give you a nice desk.|-I don't think so.
Don't worry,|I'm going to work this out.
You know, the advertising|game, it's a jungle.
Is this seat taken?
Charles!|What are you doing here?
Long night,|big party, lots of drama...
-It sounds fun.|-Not really.
I'm not much for big soirees...
or catfights.
I don't know.|I needed to think.
I didn't think|I'd have company.
Well I climbed all the way up|the social ladder...
and figured out it was lonely.
So I needed to think too.
Gucci was closed?
So what are you|thinking about?
Well there's this girl...
God, there's always a girl.
Tell me about her.
She's a liar...
a social climber...
animal killer...
She sounds awful.
She's everything|that I didn't want.
Everything that's not|on my list.
And yet I can't stop|thinking about her.
Maybe that's because|the list is misleading.
And maybe it's because she's a|bunch of other things as well.
She's complex,|and intriguing...
and full of surprises.
Like tonight. She did|this incredibly brave thing.
It was about time.
Well some people never come|clean about who they are.
Especially in front of 250|San Franciscan socialites.
But I didn't.
Not completely.
I don't know how much|more I can handle.
My real name is Katy.
I like Katy.|Katy I can handle.
Now my turn.
I spray tan.
Really?|It looks good.
What else?
I really like you.
I really like you too.
Cab fare from Covington Castle:|Thirty Five dollars.
Ripping coture gown:|$85 dollars.
Finding happiness that|has nothing to do...
with money, parties,|or designer clothing:
what do you know|priceless.