Death To Smoochy (2002) Movie Script
It's starting!
Rainbow Randolph!
Welcome to The Rainbow Randolph Show!
Kidnet presents America's
favorite kid-show host...
the friendliest friend
on earth, Rainbow Randolph!
Featuring Angelo Pike
and the Krinkle Kids!
Friends come in all sizes
That's right, Rainbow.
Friends come in all sizes
That's a fact, it's true
All the colors of rainbow
From mauve to blue
Their names are different
Their shoes don't match
Some like to toss
While others to catch
One might say "grasp"
While the other says "snatch"
Because
Friends come in all sizes
Take it from me
Golly gee, size never matters
When you want some friendly patter
From a pal who is true
And can lift you up when you're blue
You can count on him
He can count on you
It's true
Friends come in all sizes
Friends come in all sizes
Yes, they do
You know what else
comes in all sizes? Our products.
They're there online for you
at RainbowRandolph.com.
Log on, it's not free.
You'll let my boy dance up front?
Gets to sit in the chair?
You want your booger-eater on my show?
Of course.
- Yes, very much.
Then don't tell me how to
run my fucking business.
We were just...
- I'll call you if a spot opens up.
Freeze!
- Drop the briefcase!
I never touched the money.
FBI! You're under arrest.
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!
Kids love me!
You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up...
Corruption in Krinkleland?
Rainbow Randolph busted by feds
in midtown Patsy's Bar.
May I express that I am as shocked
and outraged by this as you.
Save it, Stokes! We got nervous
sponsors and an angry public.
What are you gonna do?
- I've compiled a list of replacements...
Clean replacements?
With background checks?
Christ!
Where do you dig up these people?
I can assure you
that this network cannot survive...
...another Rainbow Randolph.
Absolutely. It is my mission
to find a replacement.
A performer of character and honor.
Most importantly...
Squeaky-fucking-clean!
Squeaky clean, sir.
Buggy Ding Dong?
- Heroin mule.
Square Dance Danny?
- Wife beater.
Princess Poppy?
- Don't bust my balls.
Skippy Black and the Trolls?
- Deported. And the Trolls...
Who gives a shit? This is impossible.
I want to strangle Rainbow Randolph.
Squeeze his neck
until his eyes pop out!
Before fantasizing, let's save my ass.
Sorry, Frank.
Sheldon Mopes?
Have we sunk to that level already?
Smoochy? What a sap!
Sap's just the pill we need.
Get your feet off.
He's a guy in a suit.
A foamy. Fabric stuffer.
They all are. Marginal talents,
off-Broadway runoff...
Last I heard, he's playing
hospitals and nursing homes.
He's bottom rung.
- This is the guy!
We can do better than Mopes.
He brings nothing to the table.
Except ethics. Never a whiff of
controversy. He's a harmless cornball.
Don't make me.
- A bottle of syrup with legs!
Frank!
- Get me Smoochy!
Hello.
- Hi. This is Nora Wells...
Just kidding. It's a machine.
Leave a message or catch an appearance.
I'm opening the children's wing
at the library.
Or catch me at the
methadone clinic.
Remember,
you can't change the world...
but you can make a dent.
- You bet.
Thanks a lot, fellas. Ladies, yeah.
Looking at the faces, I think it's
time to wrap things up.
I'll close with a ditty.
You may recognize the tune.
I took some liberties with the lyrics.
If you figure out the chorus, join in.
We'll get you off that smack
Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack
Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack
We'll kick that monkey off your back
And get your life on track
Yes, we will
It's important to get
started now, though. You know why?
Cause the smack can lead to crack
Yes, it can
Carl, you know what
I'm talking about.
Sing it with me now.
Giving up that smack
Yes, we are
Take it easy.
Mr. Mopes?
I saw your performance.
It was very spirited.
Thank you very much.
Sometimes I do a longer set, but...
...once the evening meds kick in,
it's pretty much sleepytime.
Tough to get a sing-along.
At least you know the smack's
knocking them out and not your singing.
God, I hope so.
Can we talk for a minute?
I'm happy to do this, but we have
trained counselors who can help you.
You came on the H train?
-Riding the horse? On the juice?
-No.
It's sweet of you to assume so.
I'm Nora Wells. I'm V.P.
of development for Kidnet.
-You work for Kidnet?!
-Yeah.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah...
...as a heart attack.
I'm glad I didn't know you were here.
That might have thrown me off.
I was born November 11, 1970.
You know what else happened that day?
The first Sesame Street.
You wouldn't believe what it took
to get soy dogs here.
Hello? People, wake up
and smell the future.
Organic, twice the protein
and nobody gets killed.
I'm gonna get you on these
gluten-free buns.
-We will change the world!
-All right, Sheldon.
Like I was saying,
my friends are always saying:
"As talented as you are, if you don't
learn to sell yourself a little...
...you'll always be playing to a very
appreciative, but limited audience."
Spirulina with almond butter?
-Sure you don't wanna try?
-No.
This is children's entertainment.
It's about doing good work.
Having integrity.
A good show, with the foundation
of a positive message.
You can't build a foundation with
plaster of Paris. You use concrete.
That is concrete, sister.
That is integrity!
I can see that.
-Sorry.
-Listen, Mr. Mopes.
The reason I'm here...
Kidnet is currently looking
for a performer...
...with convictions and integrity.
Somebody like yourself.
Hold the phone.
Kidnet is finally ready to pursue
a show of Smoochy caliber?
I mean, to commit to Smoochy quality?
Yes, I believe we're ready
to push ourselves to that level.
I knew it!
I knew it. I knew
if I waited long enough...
...I knew somebody
would come along one day...
...who took a look at me
and understood what I do.
That's you. You get me.
I'm afraid so.
Well, Nora Wells,
Miss V.P. of Development...
...let's you and me go make history!
I like it.
Get your $50 bump for working
in smoke this week.
Hey, Angelo.
I was a big fan of your work
with the Krinkle Kids.
I appreciate you coming over
to be a Rhinette.
A job's a job.
See you out there.
Where can you go when skies turn gray
Where the sun always shines
And the animals play
Where every day is a happy day
Well, Smoochy's here to show the way
Smoochy's Magic Jungle
It's a happy, it's a happy
Happy, happy place
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!
I thought you weren't coming.
You'd forgotten.
Agreed to meet you.
I had a dinner engagement.
Really? I used to have dinner
engagements. Four or five a night.
Don't do this, Randy.
I'd go to a restaurant,
I'd go to take a piss, they'd
clear the restroom. You know why?
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph,
that's why!
You through?
What? You got things to do?
You don't have time for me?
The guy who earned for you? Put the
Armani surplus suits on your back?
The coq au vin in your Brooklyn mouth.
We helped each other.
Till someone messed up...
Who could that be?
Right, it was Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!
For what? Ass-wipe money.
You gotta fix this.
I want my old time slot back.
I can't sit and watch that one-horn
carpetbagger get my time slot.
He gets a free ride on my dime.
Come on. We got a history.
There's nothing I can do for you.
You're a pariah.
-I can't even be seen with you.
-Don't do this to me.
I'm going down for the last time.
They kicked me out of the penthouse.
I'm homeless.
Put yourself in my Capezios.
The truth is, your shoes
have become my shoes.
As long as he's on, everything's
by the book. No percentage, no skim.
Network wanted squeaky clean
and they got it.
Mopes is sparkling.
Please?
You got nothing left?
Exactly. That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
What's this?
A Rain Forest Benefit freebie bag.
Disposable camera...
...Kahla flavored peanuts...
...hand lotions, no animal-tested...
Don't ever contact me again, Randy.
Get out of the car.
You know what to do
with the lotion, jerk-off.
You'll get yours!
The rhino too!
Wheels are turning!
Even a guy who's squeaky clean
falls into the mud.
Smoochy and Rhinette dolls
would be sold separately.
These are prototypes.
I've been assured...
...that all the bugs
will be worked out.
Let's recap.
Yes to the Smoochy ice cream,
the string cheese...
...the cola. We're in a dick-measuring
contest over the shampoo.
Time out, people.
Let's hold the phone a second.
If I might interject.
We need to re-examine our principles.
We are still trying... Smoochy is
still trying to earn these kids' trust.
We won't do that by selling
string cheese and shampoo and cola...
...which contains no less than
two addictive substances.
We need to focus on putting together
the best show possible.
Deliver a positive message,
without bells and whistles.
Can I get an amen, somebody?
Are you with me on this, team?
Damn.
I got that.
Shut the door, please.
Now lock it.
Thanks.
We're deciding if Smoochy-O's
are frosted or fruit-flavored.
If anybody has a strong feeling...
Our survey shows a dead heat.
Frosted for old and fruity for young.
Have them both. Good.
-I like frosted. I like sweeter.
-Me too.
As a kid I ate frosted.
Let's go the old-fashioned way...
I want to tell you honestly,
I felt...
Hey! Nora! Wait up.
I thought that was a good meeting
today. We tackled some hot issues.
I felt once or twice
my voice wasn't being heard.
That's a conservative estimate.
I want the show
to have weight. Substance.
Silly songs, absolutely,
but with a message.
Guess how many compositions
I have in the Smoochy songbook.
-Do you sense my lack of interest?
-Over 300...
...on subjects from vegetables to
the importance of donating plasma.
I'm a valuable resource, Nora.
Use me...
Okay, stop talking.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
The only reason you're on TV is
because Rainbow Randolph is a scumbag.
I didn't discover you.
I delivered you, like groceries.
I got more emotional investment
in my nail polish.
So don't peddle your sap to me.
Your job is to smile
and nod your head.
Look. I'm not literally comparing
Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ.
I'm saying that the Captain,
like Christ...
...was someone you could
really believe in.
With those guys...
...it wasn't about the bells and
whistles, it was all about the work.
Especially Jesus.
I mean, forget about it.
I never saw anybody get
buzzed on orange juice.
I'll tell you a secret: Pop
a little liquid alfalfa in it...
...it's blastoff time.
Let me have a Five Crown.
-Hey.
-Smoochy the Rhino.
That's me.
I'm a big fan.
That's the first time anybody
recognized me out of the suit.
Burke Bennett.
Kid-show talent agent.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Network goons are like that.
Stokes tried to screw him...
...out of merchandising points.
Claimed he had a warehouse full...
...of Dicky Dolls that weren't moving.
We're friends for years.
I say to him, "Show me the warehouse."
I walk out of there
with a check for 100 grand...
...Stokes is sitting
with his thumb up his ass.
That's a great story, but the thing is,
with me, I don't care about that stuff.
I don't care about Smoochy dolls,
chocolate, floor wax.
I care about getting
creative input on my own show.
You know, this rhino
came from my womb. Okay?
I birthed him. I nursed him.
Damn it, I ought to be
the one who raises him.
It's all about the dough.
Once you get money, you get power.
Once you get power, you can have
Smoochy walk out...
...with a dildo strapped to his head.
I haven't thought of that idea.
I do see where you're going with this.
When you wanna talk,
I'll cut the strings.
I'll open the magic door for you.
Well, how do you like that?
I laid the groundwork.
He's a bank with a horn.
You'll make more with him than
Important to the Parade of Hope.
It's in the bag.
We might have to massage him.
Don't make me
lose my smile, Burkey-Boy.
A special batch of cookies
for a very special rhino.
How thoughtful of me.
They're beautiful.
You're going to learn about shame, my
dear Smoochy, and I'm your professor.
Can we talk? Why was the
"Please and Thank You Song" cut?
It takes away from the "Cookie Song."
The "Cookie Song"
is meaningless fluff without it.
That's the lesson. The moral anchor.
It's cut. And I want the
cookie lyrics changed back.
I won't encourage kids to eat
a lot of sugar.
I have to like myself.
This is not a sprout farm.
You're here to sell sugar and plastic.
Do you hear yourself?
I won't do it.
Does that say "Nora's Magic Jungle"?
No.
I'm not your puppet.
Since when? Get your spongy pink ass
out there and dance for the cameras.
This is a kid show.
Those are children
I'm singing to out there.
You don't even see children anymore.
You just see wallets with pigtails.
Bonsoir, le Smoochy.
Welcome to Fatty Arbuckle-land.
Don't worry, little ones.
Rainbow Randolph will return.
All right!
I'll tell you something. That jiggy-ing
and ziggy-ing makes me hungry.
When I'm hungry, what time is it?
Magic Cookie Time!
-What?
-Magic Cookie Time!
That's right! Everybody in the middle!
Get in the middle!
Angelo, hit me!
Give them a cookie.
Lookie, lookie, lookie
Here comes the cookie
Fresh and organic
-No need to panic
-He didn't change it.
Straight from the soil
No tropical oil
Sweetened with juice
For an energy boost
Whatever, fucking peasant.
-Who wants the first cookie?
-Me!
Let's see what we got today!
Give them a cookie.
My!
It's a...
It's a...
A rocket ship!
It's a rocket ship to fly us
to Jungle Land! Here we go!
Fuck!
Follow me!
We're flying over the trees
on our magic rocket.
What a special day!
-Special cookies.
-Are you blind?
-It's a cock! It's not a rocket!
-What is this?
-Randolph! Get him out!
-Look. It's a cock and balls!
It's a dick! Chorizo and the huevos!
It's a big stiffy!
It's a penis!
Penis maximus! A willie!
Mr. Jiggle Daddy!
Get him out of here!
The one-eyed wonder weasel!
It's Jimmy and the twins.
Rumple Foreskin.
He made this.
It's made from dil-dough.
Wave bye-bye!
Thanks for visiting!
Let go of me!
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph.
I know the way...
I want to thank you all
for having this sit-down.
We have wrinkles in the communication
and collaboration departments.
I'm not pointing fingers. You start
pointing and someone gets poked.
It's not my intention to try
and poke...
...either of you.
Anyhoo, this is my new agent,
Burke Bennett.
He has experience facilitating
in these situations.
I think he'll help us through
this moment together.
Here's Burke!
Thank you, Sheldon.
Frank, you see this guy?
Take a good look.
Because this guy saved your ass.
Without him, you'd be
sitting in Kaplan's...
...sucking club soda
through a paper straw...
...while your table at 21 was occupied
by the new Marion Frank Stokes...
...and his twat du jour.
-Excuse me.
-No excuse for you.
We've always made arrangements.
Why the fireworks?
I'm holding the gunpowder.
I represent the man who created...
...owns and controls
every inch of Smoochy the Rhino.
You seem to forget...
...we found this guy, dug up
his corpse, handed him a show...
...when he couldn't sell his face.
No, a lot of people
went out for that clinic gig.
-They hired me...
-Let me untangle this web.
I don't care if his last job
was juggling apples...
...for Pygmies in the Congo.
This man fits the bill
and you need him.
He'll get what he deserves.
And what would that be, exactly?
To the star and new executive producer
of The Smoochy Show.
I'm still in shock.
Run me through this again.
I have complete creative control.
Veto power over merchandising.
Corporate penthouse.
Cushy.
I must be dreaming.
Think of it as the high life.
Get used to it.
You'll be pissing on $100 bills just
to see the look on Franklin's face.
I couldn't. I have too much respect
for what he accomplished.
Yeah, he's a good man.
-What's this?
-Keep it down.
-What did you do, you snake?
-A graduation present.
Think of it as a tool of the trade.
-I can't accept this.
-No?
-I don't believe in guns.
-Really?
When we'd play cowboys and Indians
as kids, I was a Chinese rail worker.
Trust me, it's a handy accessory
to have in this business.
Let me get that for you.
Oh, boy.
When this guy comes over,
don't talk to him...
...or he'll stay here
yakking all night.
Love that one.
-Is that Spinner Dunn, the boxer?
-Fried beans.
You don't retire with an 81 -and-59
record and end up governor.
He's gotta be smart
to run a place like this.
Spinner? He couldn't run
a water faucet.
He's a mascot. It's his cousin,
Tommy Cotter. Heavy hitter.
Her and her boys, they run the joint.
Irish mob.
How do you like that?
Strawberries and...
Here he comes.
Smoochy! Hey, I'm Spinner!
-I'm so excited to meet you!
-I'm excited to meet you too, Spinner.
-I'm Spinner.
-Right.
-You're a fan of the show.
-Smoochy, you know what I love?
I love when you do
the Jiggy Ziggy dance, you know?
The one you do during Silly Time?
That's one of our big numbers.
You wanna see me do it?
-See you do the Jiggy Ziggy?
-Yeah!
Sometime.
I'll do it for you here.
Smoochy, I'll do it, watch.
-Excuse me, senator.
-Sure.
-I love you so much.
-I love you too.
-I'm Spinner.
-Right.
Hey, Spinner.
Come here and meet the senator.
You go ahead. It was a real honor.
-Smoochy's here!
-That's nice for you.
Wait till I tell my folks
I met Spinner Dunn.
-The one and only.
-Seems like a sweet guy.
Don't go anywhere, Smoochy.
I'll be right back after I take a dump.
I think you made a new friend, kid.
Since Randolph got pinched, there's air
in the pipes. How are you fixing it?
The rhino's still a little green.
Eventually, he'll come around.
He has to get a taste
of how we do things.
I have no time for "eventually."
Eventually, we get old and die.
Sometimes "old" doesn't happen.
I'm doing my best.
The network is watching closely.
You got a problem, son.
The rhino better learn
to play ball, and soon.
Otherwise, he might need
a little coaching.
Wipe your forehead, Frank.
You got plenty of time to sweat.
-Who is it?
-Open up, baby, it's Randolph.
It's been a long time.
-Randy?
-Angie. Fucking traitor!
-You left me for the rhino!
-I gotta eat, don't I?
You strapped that horn on pretty fast!
You're a Krinkle Kid, say it!
-Rhinette.
-Say it. "I am a Krinkle Kid."
Say it before God
and all the bones of the saints!
I'm a Rhinette, got that?!
The Krinkle Kids
are 10 feet under. With you.
I missed you so much!
Can I stay here?
I got no place else to go.
They kicked me out of the penthouse.
Sons of bitches.
That's how I got this.
I got liens, back taxes, lawyers'
bills, threats against my life.
I got the whole world
up my fucking ass!
Don't you worry.
I got a long memory, baby.
Because what they sow,
they going to reap, Angie!
Stop doing this.
Don't piss your life away.
But it's the rhino, Angie.
The devil sent him from hell
to destroy me.
Smoochy is the face of evil.
Congratulations, Sheldon.
-Congratulations, Mr. Mopes.
-Thanks a lot.
Mr. Mopes, let me get that for you.
Your office is over here.
If you need anything, let me know.
No, I gotta work tonight. I can't.
I'll come Sunday.
Okay. That's...
I want to talk to you
for a little bit.
Ma, can I call you back?
Some asshole's screaming at me.
Thanks. Bye.
-Yeah?
-You didn't have to get off.
-lf I didn't, you'd still be here.
-I am.
I'm hoping to correct that.
Listen, Nora.
I can understand it might feel
a little awkward for you...
...maybe intimidating,
now that the power has changed.
I still value your input.
And I consider you a partner.
Never. Even if I live to be 1000
and see the second coming of Christ.
I know we're not partners yet.
Let's make a game plan.
Let's pencil in a few lunch dates,
or go on a retreat!
Just you and me, alone.
Chewing the fat, exchanging ideas.
Let's plant the seeds
of a collaboration.
Plant this!
You know, Nora...
...has anyone ever
suggested to you that yoga...
...maybe a high colonic,
could loosen you up?
-Get out, hippie!
-You get out!
You get out!
You don't get to tell this boy
what to do anymore, you uptight...
I'm gonna halt here.
HALTis a self-recognition technique.
Hungry, angry, Ionely, tired.
I won't get sucked
into your negative energy.
Want me? I'll be in my office.
It's the big one. With a view.
-They all have views, dumbshit!
-Not looking this way!
Don't shut my door!
Hey...
"Have a long and healthy run. Burke."
My own patch of wheat grass.
Morning! Congrats on the bump.
Spinner has taken a real shine to you.
Since you come in, he can't stop
yakking, "Smoochy this, Smoochy that."
That's nice. I like Spinner.
He's very sweet for such a...
...big fella.
-Can you give him a little floor space?
-Floor space?
A part on the show.
You're the executive producer.
You call the shots, right?
Yes. Yes, I do.
The thing is, television
is a very complicated medium.
Not just anybody can be
a success at it. I like Spinner.
But his chances on television are
as good as mine in the ring with him.
Know what I'm saying?
It'd be painful.
This makes me very sad.
-What's wrong?
-Nothing. I'm just...
...very sad right now.
Who made you sad, Tommy?
I don't like to mention names.
Say, fellas, I just remembered.
We got a part
Spinner would be perfect for.
That's the solution.
You're a good boy. We remember favors.
You're welcome at our place anytime.
Come on, boys.
Okay.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hello?
Better grow eyes on
the back of your head.
I won't sleep until worms
are crawling up your ass!
I'm going on safari, motherfucker!
Safari!
Gee whiz. What a day!
Do you ever knock?
Congratulations on your ice show.
-Sellout!
-What are you talking about?
About you, and how you're a phony
like all the rest.
"I'm Smoochy. I don't care about money.
It's about a good show
without bells and whistles."
You look good
with your foot stuck in your mouth.
Jam it in there nice and tight.
What happened to your
precious integrity?
Or is that just part
of your dog-and-pony show?
I never agreed to a show!
Do you realize the shekels
we can take in?
These things represent
everything I'm against.
Mindless spectacles whose purpose
is peddling overpriced sugar water...
...and cheap plastic toys
that splinter...
...and get lodged in some kid's septum.
-Where's our dignity?
-I know you got an ethics fetish.
You can't change the world, buddy.
But you can make a dent.
No one has ever refused an ice show.
Until now. Smoochy doesn't sell out.
That's it!
You should be proud to have a client
who can say that.
Yeah, I'm doing backflips.
Wasn't that fun, in an
awkward sort of way?
It sure was!
Did I do good? I did good, right?
-You did great, buddy.
-I'm gonna go get drunk now.
Okay, be careful.
-Hey, lady.
-Hey, nice job.
Casting mental patients.
I like that.
Cut that out. Golly, he's not
a mental patient.
He's a nightclub owner and an
ambassador for his sport.
He just has the sweet disposition
of a 5-year-old.
And a cousin named Tommy Cotter.
At least he's got a sense of humor!
That's more than I can say
for some people.
What?
-Hi, there.
-How are you doing?
Get in.
That's okay. I'll grab a cab.
Humor me, rhino.
How do you like that?
Merv Green. Nice to meet you.
Ever try saying that without the gun?
I represent the Parade of Hope.
Maybe you've heard of us.
-You raise money for hospitals.
-We've added a brick or two.
There's talk that you're pulling out
of the ice show. True?
I'm not "pulling out," because
I never agreed to do a show.
Nor would I ever agree
to do a show and...
...how is that your concern?
The Parade of Hope has sponsored
every ice show since 1964.
We take a little, everyone's happy.
So let's not buck history!
For the gazillionth time, I have
no interest in doing a show!
If that's all, let me out
and we can say happy trails.
Can I have the far corner?
Tomorrow, Smoochy raises his baton
for Parade of Hope.
Banquets, benefits, I want it all.
You can pull over.
As far as the ice show goes,
I suggest you shop for skates.
This is unacceptable!
I'm calling the authorities!
Don't. Rat on them and you'll
be lucky to find your toenails.
They're the roughest charity.
You haven't been listening!
I was threatened by an organization
that's supposed to help children.
-What kind of world is this?
-The real one.
My advice? Consider the ice show
and stay healthy.
Well, how do you like that?
-Hi.
-What did I do now?
Can I come in?
Sure.
-Everything okay?
-I'm drunk.
Not that I want
to make you feel bad...
...but with alcohol, you're
consuming empty calories.
I came here to apologize.
-Really?
-Yes.
And on these rare occasions
when I feel the need to apologize...
...it helps if I'm shitfaced.
-I'm supposed to feel honored?
-I may have been harsh the other day.
A little out of line.
Don't worry. Last week you called me
a pasty-faced, no-talent hack.
-You're not doing the ice show?
-No. Now I know what they're about.
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I don't want to spoil all your fun.
You get such a sparkly glow when you
berate me in front of everyone else.
I may have become
a bit hardened over the years.
I bet.
Sincerity is an easy disguise.
It's hard to know who's on the level.
That's true.
I've been learning a lot
about that myself lately.
"Sometimes light is really dark.
Sometimes crows can sing like larks."
"Sometimes winter feels like spring.
Don't think you know everything."
-Rickets the Hippo?
-You remember him?
When I was a kid, he was
the one face I could trust.
He was my inspiration
to work in kids TV.
Me too! I took an anger management
class in college...
...we had to name a person representing
love and patience. I named him.
-He's the reason I created Smoochy!
-I don't believe this!
When I tell people about Rickets,
they look at me weird.
He was the best!
You remember the Klunky-Wunky?
I did it for my first Holy Communion.
-Get out! You did not!
-Yes!
You? The whole, like...
From me to you
-I should go.
-Wait.
-Stay a while. I got Rickets on tape.
-It's late.
You sure? I got some fennel tea.
We can hang out.
-You should get that. Bye.
-It's okay.
I'll see you down at the store.
-Hello?
-Mr. Mopes? I'm Benjamin McKnucklepeck.
I'm calling from Parents for Decency
in Children's TV. Have you heard of us?
No, but that's an issue close
to my heart. I was just talking to...
Tomorrow we're having a banquet.
We'd be honored if you performed.
We want to present a plaque to you
for your commitment to children's TV.
The presenter will be a young orphan
with mild asthma. Can you attend?
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
That'd be great. See you then.
I want to thank you for picking me up.
No worries. A chance to have
Smoochy at our soire...
...I'd stick my willie in a nest of
funnelwebs if I had to.
That sounds extreme.
Just try a "please."
You're funny! There's vodka and chips
back there if you're hungry.
I don't know if you're aware of it,
but food like that can lower your chi.
I've never eaten Korean food.
Thanks for the information.
That's why the wee ones
love your show.
You can learn and laugh
at the same time.
It's such a fresh change from that
dreadful embezzler, Rainbow Randy.
-What was his name?
-Randolph, I think.
Randolph! That's the scoundrel.
Probably gay too.
What did you say?
He's a pillow biter, you know?
The old...
I don't know about
his sleeping disorders.
But I do think he's got some problems,
alcohol and anger to name a few.
What do you mean?
I feel sorry for him. He has issues.
But don't you take a particular glee
in the fact you stole his time slot...
...and you're shoveling dirt
on his corpse?
No. I wouldn't take pleasure
in someone's misfortune.
Truth is, I thought
he was pretty talented.
He's a miserable cocksucker! A fucking
asshole! You hate him, admit it!
Where did you say you're from?
The wee ones are ready for you.
I'm ready. Give me my ax.
Here we go. Let's shake a stick.
-This is really exciting for me.
-Me too.
I never played
in a tractor parts warehouse.
We keep it no-frills.
It's all about the wee ones.
Great attitude.
I wish more people felt that way.
-Know what my motto is?
-Something inane.
"You can't change the world,
but you can make a dent."
Don't worry.
You're going to make a dent.
-Go out there and hook a horn!
-Thanks!
Auf Wiedersehen.
-Smoochy the Rhino!
-Hello, New Jersey!
It's great to be here, kids!
Sing along if you know it.
Friends, friends, we all got friends
You've got me and I got you
Friends, friends, we all need friends
It's our pals that get us through
If I had a dollar
For every friend I've made
You know...
...it's a little hard to sing to your
friends when you can't see them.
Could we just kill that spot
and bring the houselights up?
Heil Smoochy!
I hope I'm dreaming.
Freeze!
This is an unlawful assembly!
Hands on your head. Line up!
-Do you read Mein Kampf?
-Is Smoochy code for "white power"?
Is Adolf Hitler your personal hero?
-I don't hate anybody!
-You don't hate Nazis?
How does it feel to be
a racist scumbag?
Here at the Kidnet jungle,
the rhino's now extinct.
The Smoochy slot will be
safely occupied by cartoon reruns.
Hello, nipple-nibbler.
The rhino's a Nazi.
The rhino is screwed-o
The rhino is screwed
Nora! Nora!
-It's me. I gotta talk to you.
-There's nothing to say.
They're calling me fascist.
I'm being compared unfavorably
with Goebbels.
Hey. If the jackboot fits...
You believe what they're saying?
I don't have to.
The picture said it all.
That was a setup. I'm telling you!
This Fetalkunkle guy
said it was for kids.
I had no idea it was a Nazi rally.
You'd think the 50-foot swastika
might have given you a hint.
That was later.
The light was in my eyes.
It was like a nightmare.
Suddenly... Wham!
It's jackboots and Gestapo
and "Smooch Heil, Smooch Heil!"
I need your help.
I'm in a pickle here.
The fact is, I don't know you, okay?
-What?
-Not really.
Don't expect me to go out
on an emotional limb here.
But, Nora...
Nora!
What about the Klunky-Wunky dance?
I was drunk.
Don't read too much into it.
If you want a cup of juice, the
well's dried up. City shut her down.
Bastards will slap a new pair of tits
on the Statue of Liberty...
...but they won't help a poor hophead.
Just once I wish I had a little clout.
I'd set things straight in this town.
Believe me.
Hell of a world.
Hell of a world.
What do you want?
Can you spare 60 seconds
for a smiley old face from your past?
Hello, kitten.
Here's the good news.
You and Frank are in a bind.
I'd be happy to end my sabbatical
and come back.
I could start Monday. No meat.
When did you become a vegetarian?
Call costumes and props and tell them
that the old R-man is back.
Ready to start whistling tunes
for the kids.
Whose toes you gotta suck
to get a drink?
You got three seconds
to pry your ass off my couch.
You need someone for that slot
and I'm here to reclaim what's mine.
In case you forgot, you're a criminal
and a scumbag.
Have you forgotten what we once had?
That was a long time ago.
I was young and stupid.
And limber. Why we broke up,
I'll never know.
You were an asshole,
and I didn't love you.
We could have worked through that.
Goddamn it, Nora!
The public is clamoring for me.
I'm a patriot compared to Mopes.
He's a Nazi and gay.
He was checking me out in the car.
-What's that mean?
-What?
He was checking you out in what car?
No, I'm just saying
it's a vibe, you know?
Kind of a homosexual Nazi vibe.
Something that emanates from the TV.
What's with the costume?
Big erect horn.
You're talking fast.
What do you mean? I'm not.
I still love you, Nora.
Were you at that rally?
You had something to do with this?
Did you set Sheldon up?
I know why we broke up now.
Always with the accusations.
Bitch, bitch, bitch!
I miss Smoochy.
He couldn't have done the things
they say he done.
He ain't no Nazi.
I want Smoochy back.
I wanna be on the TV again.
I wanna play my cowbell.
-Has Burke been here tonight?
-Haven't seen him. Can I help you?
It's about Sheldon.
Sheldon?
Hey, what about Sheldon?
I'm trying to sleep, asshole!
Read the fucking meter another time!
Hello there, Mr. Rainbow.
How lovely to see you in the flesh.
Come here.
You wanna tell me about the rhino?
This is private property.
You're fucking trespassing.
Danny, go give Mr. Smiley
a little backrub.
Start yakking.
What are you talking about?
You're violating my...
You spud-sucking fucks!
I'm suing your Riverdance ass!
I'll send you all the way back home!
-Roy, have you got the hammer?
-Always got the hammer, Tommy.
I did it. It was me. It was all me.
Thank God we cleared that up
without further violence.
Don't touch me!
My name isn't Wandolph, it's Randolph.
How is it being the most hated man
in America?
In a country of Neanderthals,
it's an honor.
Nora says you have
an obsession with Mopes.
I barely know her.
She's been down on everything.
She spreads like cream cheese.
What about rumors that you're crazy?
That's bullshit! I'm on the same
dosage I've always been.
Between my client's dwindling cash
flow and mounting legal fees...
...he's sinking into a depression.
Who grabbed my ass?
Get away! Don't touch me!
-Very nice.
-I've been shot!
I'm bleeding! That's salmonella!
Someone touched my ass.
I want room to breathe.
Back off!
Man, it's crazy out there.
Listen...
...I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I got swept up in the frenzy
of anti-Smoochyism.
It's a house of mirrors. You can't
always tell what you're looking at.
Yeah.
If it weren't for you,
I wouldn't be here.
Thanks.
Good.
-Five minutes.
-Thanks.
I don't know Spanish,
but thanks anyway.
It means "good luck."
Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls,
who's your favorite rhino?
Smoochy!
You guys are the greatest!
Thanks, kids. Thanks a lot.
It's great to be back home with you.
I know I was away for too long.
You probably heard
I went through rough times.
Life outside the Magic Jungle...
...can get pretty complicated.
A lot of ugliness and injustice.
Sometimes being a good person...
Well, that just isn't always enough.
And when that happens,
it is hard not to get frustrated.
Maybe even start feeling
a little bitter.
I'll just say it.
Sometimes, boys and girls,
it'll make you flat-out mad.
You know what I do
when I get mad, boys and girls?
When that pressure starts building...
...to where I feel
I won't be able to take it anymore?
And this rhino might have to put
hurt on someone?
You know what I do then?
I howl!
That's right.
I take all the things I don't like
and I let out a big howl.
Come on and howl with me now.
Howl it out!
Take all that frustration inside...
...ball it up and let it out in a howl!
Thanks a lot, kids.
I feel much better now.
So who wants to do the Jiggy Ziggy?
Smoochy is back!
And boy, did we miss him.
Shut up!
Bad. Very bad.
Too much for brain. Pressure building.
His popularity
is stronger than ever...
I despise you!
I loathe you!
Bastard son of Barney!
Die, you son of fluff!
Illegitimate Teletubby!
Die, Muppet from hell!
Die, you foam motherfucker!
What are you doing?
That's a picture-in-picture!
-It was an accident.
-I want you out of here!
Where am I supposed to go?
-Put your slippers on and get out!
-Please! I need help!
I don't care anymore. I helped you.
You abused it.
-I missed you so much!
-I missed you too, pal.
Sheldon, look, I been practicing
and practicing.
I'm getting good at it.
You want to see me march?
No, but you're going to anyway.
You gotta love him.
First, the good news.
I've given it thought and decided...
...I am gonna do the ice show.
Now I got a bar mitzvah boy!
That's a great decision.
After everything, I realized...
...it's a crime to waste your power.
-Rock bottom is a college education.
-Ready for the really good news?
I'm doing it myself.
No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks.
Not one dirty hand will touch this.
No one's gonna make
a penny off of these kids.
The Smoochy on Ice show
will be squeaky clean.
As far as the refreshments go,
they will be provided by me.
And for free.
Sodium-free pretzels, apple slices,
organic smoothies. Everything healthy.
-Wanna hear the best part?
-I'm holding my breath.
Half the profits will go to
rebuild the Coney Island Drug Clinic!
Are you telling me you wanna
give away half the profits?
-Not half. AII.
-All the profits!
The other half we use to fund
education programs.
Big junkies come from little junkies.
We'll nip it in the bud.
You can't do a show
and cut out the vendors.
Not the Parade of Hope.
It's suicide.
No, it's not.
You're the one who taught me.
You got muscle,
you make the rules.
I'll tell you something,
I'm feeling strong right now.
I got my clout back
and I'm gonna use it.
Make it happen.
Shel, help me. He's banging
this thing from morning till night.
I hate to take it, but I got a
headache from me eyes to me ass.
I love Spinner, but I owe you.
I'll see what I can do.
Give him something else
to do on the show.
Anything. So long as it
don't clang, chime or honk.
Bless you.
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
The African black rhino.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
Before it's too late, make a donation!
Thank you very much. Save the rhino...!
I need saving!
Not that ottoman with a hood ornament!
Save the Rainbow!
Your client's put me
in a hazardous situation.
A situation Merv Green holds me
accountable for.
Enough said.
Rhino's got me in a box
with no ventilation!
I feel for you.
What can I do about it?
I bring you in. On everything.
You'd be my partner, down
the middle. Even ice shows.
We got a chance to get back on track.
We gotta get rid of the rhino.
The good old days.
Pre-rhinoceros.
Let me noodle it.
No one freezes me out.
I don't care how many clinics
he's saving.
We gotta deal with this.
Rhino's out of control.
You're aggravating me.
I'm here to educate.
Stokes will get an education
on the pH balance of the East River.
This is about Mopes.
The rhino's become a menace.
-He's talking to people he shouldn't.
-That's an ugly string of words.
He thinks he'll clean up our business.
There's only one way
out of this, partner.
Boys, we have a serious problem.
This is a story about
a venomous rhino...
...and his aggressive campaign...
...to slander, vilify,
defame, denigrate...
...and villainize my good name!
But the one thing he can't do
is take away my life.
Only I can do that.
Smoochy did this to me.
I can no longer live in a world
where the innocent suffer...
...and the wicked thrive!
I'm sorry to put you through this,
my friends.
Don't try and talk me out of this.
You won't see another Rainbow Randolph
in this lifetime.
This is for you, Smoochy!
You did this to me!
No!
What you doing, Rainbow Randolph?
It's okay.
It's Smoochy! Come on!
Come on, it's Smoochy.
Let's go.
I love you!
God! What does it all mean?!
He slams the door, he stomps his feet
Sends me to bed with zilch to eat
But my stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
His temper's bad and he's a slob
He's bitter cause he lost his job
But my stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
So three cheers for the man
That I proudly call Stan
He's not quite a dad or a brother
Yes, he gets cross
But still, he's the boss
And besides he takes care of my mother
Be patient with new friends like Stan
It's tough to be Mom's second man
But your stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
So remember, kids, a stepdad
is a lot like a new puppy.
They need patience while
they adjust to their surroundings.
But remember, if he's ever abusive
to you or Mommy...
...what are the magic numbers?
That's right!
Now, I am very excited...
...to introduce a surprise visitor
to Jungle Land!
Welcome, all the way from
the Lalwood Downs Rhino Preserve...
...my cousin, Moochy!
Come on down here, Mooch!
You big drink of water! How are you?
Thanks for coming all this way!
Say hello to the boys
and girls out there.
My name is Moochy.
Yes, we've established that.
This costume's
making my nuts itch.
That was so much fun!
Man, did you do great!
And the ice show is
gonna be so much fun!
I'm gonna skate out in circles
and then I'm falling on my ass!
You're looking forward
to it, aren't you?
Boy, being back at the coliseum,
back in the arena...
...and with the crowds,
and they're just cheering...
...it's gonna be like...
It's gonna be like heaven.
It's gonna be great, champ.
Sheldon, I love you.
I love you too, buddy.
I'll tell you,
I'll go to the locker room...
...and take all my headgear off,
and you...
Okay, okay. All right.
He's excited about the ice show.
I've been reading so much about it.
We're getting a lot of ink.
It's great.
It's great, what you're doing.
Thanks.
You inspired me to use my
juice to put that together.
I really do appreciate that.
Good.
Thanks.
-The stepfather segment went well.
-Oh, yeah?
I don't know what was
going on with the...
The energy was just
really, really clicking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're not full of shit like
the others? You're for real?
Totally!
I mean, I couldn't tell.
First, I thought it was an act.
And then I just thought
you were a simp or something!
It's understandable.
There was the whole Nazi thing!
I forgive you for that.
What round is it?
Former heavyweight contender
Lawrence "Spinner" Dunn...
...was found shot to death in a
rhinoceros outfit early this morning.
How'd you hit the wrong rhino?
Who knew he had a cousin?
They're identical.
Smoochy's fuchsia, Moochy's burgundy!
Read a paper!
-You have to go back to kindergarten?!
-All you said was hit the rhino.
-I'm not taking the blame for this.
-I'm not through yet, rhino.
Your time will come!
-He wanted to be in the show so bad.
-Stop torturing yourself.
I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry.
-He loved you, Shel.
-I know.
I guarantee that fucking Randolph
has seen his last rainbow.
We'll cut off his balls
and shove them up his ass!
Maybe we should leave
it for the cops.
Cops won't do the ball thing.
Against policy.
Don't forget, this was meant for you.
From now on, everywhere you go, we go!
-I'll be fine.
-Fine, nothing!
As Christ is my witness,
no one's touching a hair on you!
-Spinner would've wanted it that way.
-Poor Spinner.
All right, boys. Let's go pray
and get shitfaced.
Yeah, you do that.
You have one for me, okay?
Try not to hurt anyone, Roy.
What would Jesus do?
How long was Randolph
in your apartment?
Just a couple of nights, officer.
Smoochy?
Tommy's here!
Tommy and her boys are here.
You sure? The cops have a lot
of evidence against Randolph.
We investigated ourselves.
Cousin lan from down at the morgue.
You met him at the wake.
See the neck?
Snapped like a twig. Animals.
Parade of Hope.
They like to sign the tab.
-What's that guy's name over there?
-Merv Green.
This is one tab they
should have left blank.
I knew he was a jizz-bag when he
grabbed my ass at Feed the Children.
Mr. Green will get a first-class ride
through the justice system.
It's all taken care of.
How do you mean?
Sometimes in this life, a man's got
to answer for his indiscretions.
It was a mistake. An honest mistake.
I was just trying to help the children!
-You like kids, huh?
-Sure, of course!
You know fairy tales then.
Tell him the one about the prick...
...that gets his head
chopped off with an ax!
No!
I don't feel so good about this
all of a sudden.
-We took his head and...
-Okay, that's definitely...
...more information than I care
to have at this point.
I'm having second thoughts.
I can't do it!
Relax, it's all good.
They found Merv's head in
the Grand Concourse.
We'll take the whole ball of wax.
Going in with Buggy Ding Dong's
a mistake!
Leave him to me. Once he does it,
the rhino's dead.
We light up the Macanudos!
Relax!
Where is our guest of honor?
-Our smack addict?
-It'll be fine!
We're relying on a smack addict.
Terrific.
Sorry I'm late, man.
I fell asleep at the bus station.
Looking good, Buggy.
Excuse me if I smell like piss.
You know how it is.
God help us.
-You want a drink?
-Vodka.
I do this thing tonight
and the spot's mine?
With a bow on it.
The thing is, we gotta put it to rest.
The rhino is up way past his bedtime.
Buggy?
We're in, right? We're set?
Sure.
Look at all the pretty lights.
Every cop's looking for you.
You have to stay put.
-I wanted to be a priest.
-I know.
Do you believe in angels?
I saw one in Times Square.
This little angel with curls.
She was the only one
that cared about me.
She saved my life.
You don't want to kill yourself.
You know that.
Perhaps it's time to heal.
Admit that Smoochy has won
and gracefully march forward.
Now you're talking.
This is a big step, I'm proud of you.
Did you bring lunch?
Chicken and stars?
Just like you asked.
-May I have some?
-For a smile.
Attaboy!
I got you some crossword puzzles
and stuff to read.
You okay?
First he takes my career,
then my life, now my girl.
She's not your girl anymore.
The balls on that fuchsia fuck!
I'll tear him apart! Piece by piece!
-Piece by piece!
-You said it's time to heal. Stop it.
I'll take him apart, hoof by hoof!
Horn by horn!
-Once and for all, now and forever!
-What happened to marching forward?
Motherfucker!
Yeah.
Can I help you?
I got news, Nora.
Buggy?
How you doing, apple cheeks?
Long time, no see.
-What are you doing?
-I got business with Stokes.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah! He's gonna
put me back on the air.
He's gonna give me a shot.
I'm gonna take the rhino's place.
-What are you talking about?
-Buggy Ding Dong shall rise again.
Like a magnificent phoenix,
or some other town in Arizona.
I've always been smitten
with you, baby.
-Let me show you my Buggy bumper.
-Back off, Dracula!
Keep in touch.
Keep in touch.
Stokes cut a deal with Buggy
for the Smoochy slot.
Buggy Ding Dong, the host of
Buggy's Bumpy Railroad?
Until he discovered the joys of
black mule heroin.
Why would Stokes replace
Smoochy with a smack addict?
I don't know.
Somebody toss me a beach towel,
because my head is swimming.
What's up?!
Two for the price of one!
How convenient.
How serendipitous.
-Get the fuck out of here!
-You eat with that mouth?
-Okay, let's just all take it easy.
-Bite me, Buddha! I had her first.
-What?
-That's right, baby.
You snatched her away,
now you gots to pay.
-Cork it, asshole!
-Wanna explain what this is about?
Didn't she tell you of the love
we once had?
Passionate, yet tender.
Old-fashioned, yet experimental.
Randolph, you've lost your mind.
Enlighten the lad, Nora! You were
such a hot little brood mare.
-Does the bridle still fit?
-Watch it...
Experiments?
I've had firmer handshakes.
Please. It's small, but it's fierce!
Hold the phone here.
Are you telling me this is true?
You and him?
No. You know, yeah.
How do you like that?
You're just an action figure
for her collection.
Shut up before I jaw you again.
I got Mr. Boomy, missy!
Tell him about Jingle Jackson.
You dated Jingle Jackson too?
She used to like to play
with his bells.
What about Wally the Whale?
How could you do it
with Wally?
There she blows!
I can't believe you didn't
tell me about this.
Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it.
But there was a time in my life...
...when I was a bit
of a kiddie host groupie.
-My God, I feel dizzy.
-This has nothing to do with us!
You're different. It was another time.
I was another woman.
You've shown me a world
that I never thought could exist.
-Really?
-Yes.
What the fuck am I watching here?
Your little soap opera? Shut up!
This is my show!
Do you know the power
of a condemned man?
I don't think you want
to hurt anyone here.
Go blow yourself, Martha!
Look what you've done to this place.
Dian Fossey!
When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse!
There, I had a painting
of a naked chick holding a plant.
Very tasteful, no bush.
Not a picture of your mother!
We know you didn't kill Spinner,
so just cool your jets!
Thank you, Mother Teresa.
Tell that to the mob outside.
They want my ass!
I'm like a goddamn toaster at Macy's!
Randolph's ass, aisle three!
We'll go to the police tomorrow.
I'll explain everything.
It'll all work out fine.
Just trust me, Randolph.
Do not start with your
magician's tricks, young Moses!
I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave.
And this is my kingdom!
Rainbow Randolph is the man
Yes, oh, yes, he is
He's the prez of Rainbow Land
Yes, oh, yes, he is
With some fun, fun here
A laugh, laugh there
Here a dance, there a song
Everywhere is fun, fun
Rainbow Randolph is the king
-Get the gun.
-What?
Get the gun.
-You're hurting me!
-You wanna go down in flames?
The flames are too hot!
They're driving me mad!
Go ahead, kill me!
Go ahead, finish me off! I'm nothing!
Put me out of my misery.
You're not nothing, all right?
You're bitter, misguided and you got
issues with sexual identity.
But you're Rainbow Randolph.
That's worth something.
You've made a lot of children happy.
Will you be my friend?
Sure.
I love you both.
-You're going down to their level.
-I'm just wising up.
She's right. Don't make the same
mistake I did. Keep your dignity.
My balls! They're on fire!
I appreciate everybody's concern.
But I know what I'm doing.
I tried.
We gotta get to the arena
for the show.
You can stay here
as long as you like. You'll be safe.
-You've got a good man there.
-Just rest.
He's the real thing.
You're the real thing.
Thanks.
I'm a fraud. A wicked man
who's done wicked acts.
Well, it's like the song says:
"We all got our bad days."
-Buggy.
-Angelo.
What are you doing?!
I thought you cleaned up!
I did. I cleaned up half
the poppies in Asia.
-Can I get a pretzel?
-lf that's what you want.
With mustard. Everything's free.
-Here you go.
-Salt.
Sorry, our pretzels are salt-free.
-We should call it off.
-I can't.
There's a lot of kids and junkies
out there who are counting on me.
I got a job to do.
Come on, wish me luck.
-Hi?
-Randy, is that you?
What will you wear to the show?
I hope a thong.
-Buggy's been here.
-The Dong man?
He broke in and lifted
my backstage pass.
He's doing a job for Burke.
Gonna get a show
after the rhino's gone.
-He's higher than a prom dress in June.
-I got a bad feeling about this.
-No shit.
-I have to go to the show.
The cops will jump on you
like a trampoline.
Burke and Ding Dong
equals trouble.
I have to save the rhino.
Randy!
America's favorite rhino.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls, here's Smoochy!
Thank you.
Thank you.
For myself and the soon-
to-be-restored methadone clinic...
...I want to thank you all
for being here.
Hip, hip, hooray.
You all came here to hear
your favorite Smoochy songs...
...but we've got something different,
something personal to me.
I've told you how important it is
to be honest about your feelings.
If I didn't share with you what
I've been feeling and going through...
...I wouldn't be a very honest rhino,
would I?
I'm going on a journey today
and I hope you'll come along.
You need your true friends
by your side.
This is for Spinner.
Don't let them get you, Smoochy!
It's Rainbow Randolph!
No, I just look like him.
I'm trying to save a friend
from a deranged junkie.
For the kids? Okay.
Friends come in all sizes.
Excuse me.
Goodbye, Smoochy.
You shot Smoochy, you bastard!
Give me the gun!
I've gotta kill him!
Get off of me!
Give me that gun!
It's Buggy!
-What do we do now?
-Survival of the fittest.
It's Buggy!
That's Randolph!
Let go of me, you fucking junkie!
I never saw Venice!
You okay?
I'm fucked up in general,
so it's hard to gauge.
It's Burke, he set you up!
He tried to kill you! There he is!
He's getting away!
-Burke, get back here!
-Sheldon, wait!
Look, it's Smoochy!
Hey, it's Smoochy!
Stop him!
-Honey, it's Smoochy!
-Smoochy!
You pull a gun on me?
A gun I gave you as a gift?
Where's your etiquette?
-I'll tell you a secret about a gun.
-What?
You have to cock it.
Drop it, shithead!
Don't you move!
-You okay?
-Yeah.
You...
Take it easy.
You were my agent.
How could you set me up like that?
-It was circumstances.
-Circumstances? You killed Spinner!
It was a mistake.
I wish I could turn back time.
He was my friend, you son of a bitch!
Get up! Get up and look at me!
-You gonna shoot me?
-Yeah.
Not very Smoochy-like.
I don't feel very
Smoochy-like right now.
Wait.
Let me tell you something.
You fucked with the wrong rhino.
No!
-Sheldon, halt!
-Don't do it!
Tommy, stay out of this.
Don't destroy who you are
for this piece of shit.
Give me the gun.
My God, what am I doing?
Come on, now. That's it.
I'm sorry. I don't know how
I let myself get pushed so far.
You're only human, darling.
Come on. Let's go away.
What should we do about these guys?
Don't worry, we'll deal with them.
-You won't do anything extreme?
-Even a rat deserves mercy.
-Off you go.
-Thanks a lot.
Macanudos, my ass!
We're in deep shit. Deep shit.
You boys ever traveled
together before?
It's a beautiful city, but there's
a lot of grime on it, you know?
You helped give it
a little more polish.
You think?
Thanks.
Let's go home, Smooch.
The show's over.
No, it isn't. It's just beginning.
With great pleasure I introduce
to you, together for the first time...
side by side, shoulder to shoulder,
ladies and gentlemen...
boys and girls, please welcome
Smoochy the Rhino and Rainbow Randolph!
Edited by Raymy
Rainbow Randolph!
Welcome to The Rainbow Randolph Show!
Kidnet presents America's
favorite kid-show host...
the friendliest friend
on earth, Rainbow Randolph!
Featuring Angelo Pike
and the Krinkle Kids!
Friends come in all sizes
That's right, Rainbow.
Friends come in all sizes
That's a fact, it's true
All the colors of rainbow
From mauve to blue
Their names are different
Their shoes don't match
Some like to toss
While others to catch
One might say "grasp"
While the other says "snatch"
Because
Friends come in all sizes
Take it from me
Golly gee, size never matters
When you want some friendly patter
From a pal who is true
And can lift you up when you're blue
You can count on him
He can count on you
It's true
Friends come in all sizes
Friends come in all sizes
Yes, they do
You know what else
comes in all sizes? Our products.
They're there online for you
at RainbowRandolph.com.
Log on, it's not free.
You'll let my boy dance up front?
Gets to sit in the chair?
You want your booger-eater on my show?
Of course.
- Yes, very much.
Then don't tell me how to
run my fucking business.
We were just...
- I'll call you if a spot opens up.
Freeze!
- Drop the briefcase!
I never touched the money.
FBI! You're under arrest.
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!
Kids love me!
You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up...
Corruption in Krinkleland?
Rainbow Randolph busted by feds
in midtown Patsy's Bar.
May I express that I am as shocked
and outraged by this as you.
Save it, Stokes! We got nervous
sponsors and an angry public.
What are you gonna do?
- I've compiled a list of replacements...
Clean replacements?
With background checks?
Christ!
Where do you dig up these people?
I can assure you
that this network cannot survive...
...another Rainbow Randolph.
Absolutely. It is my mission
to find a replacement.
A performer of character and honor.
Most importantly...
Squeaky-fucking-clean!
Squeaky clean, sir.
Buggy Ding Dong?
- Heroin mule.
Square Dance Danny?
- Wife beater.
Princess Poppy?
- Don't bust my balls.
Skippy Black and the Trolls?
- Deported. And the Trolls...
Who gives a shit? This is impossible.
I want to strangle Rainbow Randolph.
Squeeze his neck
until his eyes pop out!
Before fantasizing, let's save my ass.
Sorry, Frank.
Sheldon Mopes?
Have we sunk to that level already?
Smoochy? What a sap!
Sap's just the pill we need.
Get your feet off.
He's a guy in a suit.
A foamy. Fabric stuffer.
They all are. Marginal talents,
off-Broadway runoff...
Last I heard, he's playing
hospitals and nursing homes.
He's bottom rung.
- This is the guy!
We can do better than Mopes.
He brings nothing to the table.
Except ethics. Never a whiff of
controversy. He's a harmless cornball.
Don't make me.
- A bottle of syrup with legs!
Frank!
- Get me Smoochy!
Hello.
- Hi. This is Nora Wells...
Just kidding. It's a machine.
Leave a message or catch an appearance.
I'm opening the children's wing
at the library.
Or catch me at the
methadone clinic.
Remember,
you can't change the world...
but you can make a dent.
- You bet.
Thanks a lot, fellas. Ladies, yeah.
Looking at the faces, I think it's
time to wrap things up.
I'll close with a ditty.
You may recognize the tune.
I took some liberties with the lyrics.
If you figure out the chorus, join in.
We'll get you off that smack
Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack
Yes, we will
We'll get you off that smack
We'll kick that monkey off your back
And get your life on track
Yes, we will
It's important to get
started now, though. You know why?
Cause the smack can lead to crack
Yes, it can
Carl, you know what
I'm talking about.
Sing it with me now.
Giving up that smack
Yes, we are
Take it easy.
Mr. Mopes?
I saw your performance.
It was very spirited.
Thank you very much.
Sometimes I do a longer set, but...
...once the evening meds kick in,
it's pretty much sleepytime.
Tough to get a sing-along.
At least you know the smack's
knocking them out and not your singing.
God, I hope so.
Can we talk for a minute?
I'm happy to do this, but we have
trained counselors who can help you.
You came on the H train?
-Riding the horse? On the juice?
-No.
It's sweet of you to assume so.
I'm Nora Wells. I'm V.P.
of development for Kidnet.
-You work for Kidnet?!
-Yeah.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah...
...as a heart attack.
I'm glad I didn't know you were here.
That might have thrown me off.
I was born November 11, 1970.
You know what else happened that day?
The first Sesame Street.
You wouldn't believe what it took
to get soy dogs here.
Hello? People, wake up
and smell the future.
Organic, twice the protein
and nobody gets killed.
I'm gonna get you on these
gluten-free buns.
-We will change the world!
-All right, Sheldon.
Like I was saying,
my friends are always saying:
"As talented as you are, if you don't
learn to sell yourself a little...
...you'll always be playing to a very
appreciative, but limited audience."
Spirulina with almond butter?
-Sure you don't wanna try?
-No.
This is children's entertainment.
It's about doing good work.
Having integrity.
A good show, with the foundation
of a positive message.
You can't build a foundation with
plaster of Paris. You use concrete.
That is concrete, sister.
That is integrity!
I can see that.
-Sorry.
-Listen, Mr. Mopes.
The reason I'm here...
Kidnet is currently looking
for a performer...
...with convictions and integrity.
Somebody like yourself.
Hold the phone.
Kidnet is finally ready to pursue
a show of Smoochy caliber?
I mean, to commit to Smoochy quality?
Yes, I believe we're ready
to push ourselves to that level.
I knew it!
I knew it. I knew
if I waited long enough...
...I knew somebody
would come along one day...
...who took a look at me
and understood what I do.
That's you. You get me.
I'm afraid so.
Well, Nora Wells,
Miss V.P. of Development...
...let's you and me go make history!
I like it.
Get your $50 bump for working
in smoke this week.
Hey, Angelo.
I was a big fan of your work
with the Krinkle Kids.
I appreciate you coming over
to be a Rhinette.
A job's a job.
See you out there.
Where can you go when skies turn gray
Where the sun always shines
And the animals play
Where every day is a happy day
Well, Smoochy's here to show the way
Smoochy's Magic Jungle
It's a happy, it's a happy
Happy, happy place
Hip, hip, hip, hooray!
I thought you weren't coming.
You'd forgotten.
Agreed to meet you.
I had a dinner engagement.
Really? I used to have dinner
engagements. Four or five a night.
Don't do this, Randy.
I'd go to a restaurant,
I'd go to take a piss, they'd
clear the restroom. You know why?
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph,
that's why!
You through?
What? You got things to do?
You don't have time for me?
The guy who earned for you? Put the
Armani surplus suits on your back?
The coq au vin in your Brooklyn mouth.
We helped each other.
Till someone messed up...
Who could that be?
Right, it was Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!
For what? Ass-wipe money.
You gotta fix this.
I want my old time slot back.
I can't sit and watch that one-horn
carpetbagger get my time slot.
He gets a free ride on my dime.
Come on. We got a history.
There's nothing I can do for you.
You're a pariah.
-I can't even be seen with you.
-Don't do this to me.
I'm going down for the last time.
They kicked me out of the penthouse.
I'm homeless.
Put yourself in my Capezios.
The truth is, your shoes
have become my shoes.
As long as he's on, everything's
by the book. No percentage, no skim.
Network wanted squeaky clean
and they got it.
Mopes is sparkling.
Please?
You got nothing left?
Exactly. That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
What's this?
A Rain Forest Benefit freebie bag.
Disposable camera...
...Kahla flavored peanuts...
...hand lotions, no animal-tested...
Don't ever contact me again, Randy.
Get out of the car.
You know what to do
with the lotion, jerk-off.
You'll get yours!
The rhino too!
Wheels are turning!
Even a guy who's squeaky clean
falls into the mud.
Smoochy and Rhinette dolls
would be sold separately.
These are prototypes.
I've been assured...
...that all the bugs
will be worked out.
Let's recap.
Yes to the Smoochy ice cream,
the string cheese...
...the cola. We're in a dick-measuring
contest over the shampoo.
Time out, people.
Let's hold the phone a second.
If I might interject.
We need to re-examine our principles.
We are still trying... Smoochy is
still trying to earn these kids' trust.
We won't do that by selling
string cheese and shampoo and cola...
...which contains no less than
two addictive substances.
We need to focus on putting together
the best show possible.
Deliver a positive message,
without bells and whistles.
Can I get an amen, somebody?
Are you with me on this, team?
Damn.
I got that.
Shut the door, please.
Now lock it.
Thanks.
We're deciding if Smoochy-O's
are frosted or fruit-flavored.
If anybody has a strong feeling...
Our survey shows a dead heat.
Frosted for old and fruity for young.
Have them both. Good.
-I like frosted. I like sweeter.
-Me too.
As a kid I ate frosted.
Let's go the old-fashioned way...
I want to tell you honestly,
I felt...
Hey! Nora! Wait up.
I thought that was a good meeting
today. We tackled some hot issues.
I felt once or twice
my voice wasn't being heard.
That's a conservative estimate.
I want the show
to have weight. Substance.
Silly songs, absolutely,
but with a message.
Guess how many compositions
I have in the Smoochy songbook.
-Do you sense my lack of interest?
-Over 300...
...on subjects from vegetables to
the importance of donating plasma.
I'm a valuable resource, Nora.
Use me...
Okay, stop talking.
I'm gonna make this real easy for you.
The only reason you're on TV is
because Rainbow Randolph is a scumbag.
I didn't discover you.
I delivered you, like groceries.
I got more emotional investment
in my nail polish.
So don't peddle your sap to me.
Your job is to smile
and nod your head.
Look. I'm not literally comparing
Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ.
I'm saying that the Captain,
like Christ...
...was someone you could
really believe in.
With those guys...
...it wasn't about the bells and
whistles, it was all about the work.
Especially Jesus.
I mean, forget about it.
I never saw anybody get
buzzed on orange juice.
I'll tell you a secret: Pop
a little liquid alfalfa in it...
...it's blastoff time.
Let me have a Five Crown.
-Hey.
-Smoochy the Rhino.
That's me.
I'm a big fan.
That's the first time anybody
recognized me out of the suit.
Burke Bennett.
Kid-show talent agent.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
Network goons are like that.
Stokes tried to screw him...
...out of merchandising points.
Claimed he had a warehouse full...
...of Dicky Dolls that weren't moving.
We're friends for years.
I say to him, "Show me the warehouse."
I walk out of there
with a check for 100 grand...
...Stokes is sitting
with his thumb up his ass.
That's a great story, but the thing is,
with me, I don't care about that stuff.
I don't care about Smoochy dolls,
chocolate, floor wax.
I care about getting
creative input on my own show.
You know, this rhino
came from my womb. Okay?
I birthed him. I nursed him.
Damn it, I ought to be
the one who raises him.
It's all about the dough.
Once you get money, you get power.
Once you get power, you can have
Smoochy walk out...
...with a dildo strapped to his head.
I haven't thought of that idea.
I do see where you're going with this.
When you wanna talk,
I'll cut the strings.
I'll open the magic door for you.
Well, how do you like that?
I laid the groundwork.
He's a bank with a horn.
You'll make more with him than
Important to the Parade of Hope.
It's in the bag.
We might have to massage him.
Don't make me
lose my smile, Burkey-Boy.
A special batch of cookies
for a very special rhino.
How thoughtful of me.
They're beautiful.
You're going to learn about shame, my
dear Smoochy, and I'm your professor.
Can we talk? Why was the
"Please and Thank You Song" cut?
It takes away from the "Cookie Song."
The "Cookie Song"
is meaningless fluff without it.
That's the lesson. The moral anchor.
It's cut. And I want the
cookie lyrics changed back.
I won't encourage kids to eat
a lot of sugar.
I have to like myself.
This is not a sprout farm.
You're here to sell sugar and plastic.
Do you hear yourself?
I won't do it.
Does that say "Nora's Magic Jungle"?
No.
I'm not your puppet.
Since when? Get your spongy pink ass
out there and dance for the cameras.
This is a kid show.
Those are children
I'm singing to out there.
You don't even see children anymore.
You just see wallets with pigtails.
Bonsoir, le Smoochy.
Welcome to Fatty Arbuckle-land.
Don't worry, little ones.
Rainbow Randolph will return.
All right!
I'll tell you something. That jiggy-ing
and ziggy-ing makes me hungry.
When I'm hungry, what time is it?
Magic Cookie Time!
-What?
-Magic Cookie Time!
That's right! Everybody in the middle!
Get in the middle!
Angelo, hit me!
Give them a cookie.
Lookie, lookie, lookie
Here comes the cookie
Fresh and organic
-No need to panic
-He didn't change it.
Straight from the soil
No tropical oil
Sweetened with juice
For an energy boost
Whatever, fucking peasant.
-Who wants the first cookie?
-Me!
Let's see what we got today!
Give them a cookie.
My!
It's a...
It's a...
A rocket ship!
It's a rocket ship to fly us
to Jungle Land! Here we go!
Fuck!
Follow me!
We're flying over the trees
on our magic rocket.
What a special day!
-Special cookies.
-Are you blind?
-It's a cock! It's not a rocket!
-What is this?
-Randolph! Get him out!
-Look. It's a cock and balls!
It's a dick! Chorizo and the huevos!
It's a big stiffy!
It's a penis!
Penis maximus! A willie!
Mr. Jiggle Daddy!
Get him out of here!
The one-eyed wonder weasel!
It's Jimmy and the twins.
Rumple Foreskin.
He made this.
It's made from dil-dough.
Wave bye-bye!
Thanks for visiting!
Let go of me!
I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph.
I know the way...
I want to thank you all
for having this sit-down.
We have wrinkles in the communication
and collaboration departments.
I'm not pointing fingers. You start
pointing and someone gets poked.
It's not my intention to try
and poke...
...either of you.
Anyhoo, this is my new agent,
Burke Bennett.
He has experience facilitating
in these situations.
I think he'll help us through
this moment together.
Here's Burke!
Thank you, Sheldon.
Frank, you see this guy?
Take a good look.
Because this guy saved your ass.
Without him, you'd be
sitting in Kaplan's...
...sucking club soda
through a paper straw...
...while your table at 21 was occupied
by the new Marion Frank Stokes...
...and his twat du jour.
-Excuse me.
-No excuse for you.
We've always made arrangements.
Why the fireworks?
I'm holding the gunpowder.
I represent the man who created...
...owns and controls
every inch of Smoochy the Rhino.
You seem to forget...
...we found this guy, dug up
his corpse, handed him a show...
...when he couldn't sell his face.
No, a lot of people
went out for that clinic gig.
-They hired me...
-Let me untangle this web.
I don't care if his last job
was juggling apples...
...for Pygmies in the Congo.
This man fits the bill
and you need him.
He'll get what he deserves.
And what would that be, exactly?
To the star and new executive producer
of The Smoochy Show.
I'm still in shock.
Run me through this again.
I have complete creative control.
Veto power over merchandising.
Corporate penthouse.
Cushy.
I must be dreaming.
Think of it as the high life.
Get used to it.
You'll be pissing on $100 bills just
to see the look on Franklin's face.
I couldn't. I have too much respect
for what he accomplished.
Yeah, he's a good man.
-What's this?
-Keep it down.
-What did you do, you snake?
-A graduation present.
Think of it as a tool of the trade.
-I can't accept this.
-No?
-I don't believe in guns.
-Really?
When we'd play cowboys and Indians
as kids, I was a Chinese rail worker.
Trust me, it's a handy accessory
to have in this business.
Let me get that for you.
Oh, boy.
When this guy comes over,
don't talk to him...
...or he'll stay here
yakking all night.
Love that one.
-Is that Spinner Dunn, the boxer?
-Fried beans.
You don't retire with an 81 -and-59
record and end up governor.
He's gotta be smart
to run a place like this.
Spinner? He couldn't run
a water faucet.
He's a mascot. It's his cousin,
Tommy Cotter. Heavy hitter.
Her and her boys, they run the joint.
Irish mob.
How do you like that?
Strawberries and...
Here he comes.
Smoochy! Hey, I'm Spinner!
-I'm so excited to meet you!
-I'm excited to meet you too, Spinner.
-I'm Spinner.
-Right.
-You're a fan of the show.
-Smoochy, you know what I love?
I love when you do
the Jiggy Ziggy dance, you know?
The one you do during Silly Time?
That's one of our big numbers.
You wanna see me do it?
-See you do the Jiggy Ziggy?
-Yeah!
Sometime.
I'll do it for you here.
Smoochy, I'll do it, watch.
-Excuse me, senator.
-Sure.
-I love you so much.
-I love you too.
-I'm Spinner.
-Right.
Hey, Spinner.
Come here and meet the senator.
You go ahead. It was a real honor.
-Smoochy's here!
-That's nice for you.
Wait till I tell my folks
I met Spinner Dunn.
-The one and only.
-Seems like a sweet guy.
Don't go anywhere, Smoochy.
I'll be right back after I take a dump.
I think you made a new friend, kid.
Since Randolph got pinched, there's air
in the pipes. How are you fixing it?
The rhino's still a little green.
Eventually, he'll come around.
He has to get a taste
of how we do things.
I have no time for "eventually."
Eventually, we get old and die.
Sometimes "old" doesn't happen.
I'm doing my best.
The network is watching closely.
You got a problem, son.
The rhino better learn
to play ball, and soon.
Otherwise, he might need
a little coaching.
Wipe your forehead, Frank.
You got plenty of time to sweat.
-Who is it?
-Open up, baby, it's Randolph.
It's been a long time.
-Randy?
-Angie. Fucking traitor!
-You left me for the rhino!
-I gotta eat, don't I?
You strapped that horn on pretty fast!
You're a Krinkle Kid, say it!
-Rhinette.
-Say it. "I am a Krinkle Kid."
Say it before God
and all the bones of the saints!
I'm a Rhinette, got that?!
The Krinkle Kids
are 10 feet under. With you.
I missed you so much!
Can I stay here?
I got no place else to go.
They kicked me out of the penthouse.
Sons of bitches.
That's how I got this.
I got liens, back taxes, lawyers'
bills, threats against my life.
I got the whole world
up my fucking ass!
Don't you worry.
I got a long memory, baby.
Because what they sow,
they going to reap, Angie!
Stop doing this.
Don't piss your life away.
But it's the rhino, Angie.
The devil sent him from hell
to destroy me.
Smoochy is the face of evil.
Congratulations, Sheldon.
-Congratulations, Mr. Mopes.
-Thanks a lot.
Mr. Mopes, let me get that for you.
Your office is over here.
If you need anything, let me know.
No, I gotta work tonight. I can't.
I'll come Sunday.
Okay. That's...
I want to talk to you
for a little bit.
Ma, can I call you back?
Some asshole's screaming at me.
Thanks. Bye.
-Yeah?
-You didn't have to get off.
-lf I didn't, you'd still be here.
-I am.
I'm hoping to correct that.
Listen, Nora.
I can understand it might feel
a little awkward for you...
...maybe intimidating,
now that the power has changed.
I still value your input.
And I consider you a partner.
Never. Even if I live to be 1000
and see the second coming of Christ.
I know we're not partners yet.
Let's make a game plan.
Let's pencil in a few lunch dates,
or go on a retreat!
Just you and me, alone.
Chewing the fat, exchanging ideas.
Let's plant the seeds
of a collaboration.
Plant this!
You know, Nora...
...has anyone ever
suggested to you that yoga...
...maybe a high colonic,
could loosen you up?
-Get out, hippie!
-You get out!
You get out!
You don't get to tell this boy
what to do anymore, you uptight...
I'm gonna halt here.
HALTis a self-recognition technique.
Hungry, angry, Ionely, tired.
I won't get sucked
into your negative energy.
Want me? I'll be in my office.
It's the big one. With a view.
-They all have views, dumbshit!
-Not looking this way!
Don't shut my door!
Hey...
"Have a long and healthy run. Burke."
My own patch of wheat grass.
Morning! Congrats on the bump.
Spinner has taken a real shine to you.
Since you come in, he can't stop
yakking, "Smoochy this, Smoochy that."
That's nice. I like Spinner.
He's very sweet for such a...
...big fella.
-Can you give him a little floor space?
-Floor space?
A part on the show.
You're the executive producer.
You call the shots, right?
Yes. Yes, I do.
The thing is, television
is a very complicated medium.
Not just anybody can be
a success at it. I like Spinner.
But his chances on television are
as good as mine in the ring with him.
Know what I'm saying?
It'd be painful.
This makes me very sad.
-What's wrong?
-Nothing. I'm just...
...very sad right now.
Who made you sad, Tommy?
I don't like to mention names.
Say, fellas, I just remembered.
We got a part
Spinner would be perfect for.
That's the solution.
You're a good boy. We remember favors.
You're welcome at our place anytime.
Come on, boys.
Okay.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hello?
Better grow eyes on
the back of your head.
I won't sleep until worms
are crawling up your ass!
I'm going on safari, motherfucker!
Safari!
Gee whiz. What a day!
Do you ever knock?
Congratulations on your ice show.
-Sellout!
-What are you talking about?
About you, and how you're a phony
like all the rest.
"I'm Smoochy. I don't care about money.
It's about a good show
without bells and whistles."
You look good
with your foot stuck in your mouth.
Jam it in there nice and tight.
What happened to your
precious integrity?
Or is that just part
of your dog-and-pony show?
I never agreed to a show!
Do you realize the shekels
we can take in?
These things represent
everything I'm against.
Mindless spectacles whose purpose
is peddling overpriced sugar water...
...and cheap plastic toys
that splinter...
...and get lodged in some kid's septum.
-Where's our dignity?
-I know you got an ethics fetish.
You can't change the world, buddy.
But you can make a dent.
No one has ever refused an ice show.
Until now. Smoochy doesn't sell out.
That's it!
You should be proud to have a client
who can say that.
Yeah, I'm doing backflips.
Wasn't that fun, in an
awkward sort of way?
It sure was!
Did I do good? I did good, right?
-You did great, buddy.
-I'm gonna go get drunk now.
Okay, be careful.
-Hey, lady.
-Hey, nice job.
Casting mental patients.
I like that.
Cut that out. Golly, he's not
a mental patient.
He's a nightclub owner and an
ambassador for his sport.
He just has the sweet disposition
of a 5-year-old.
And a cousin named Tommy Cotter.
At least he's got a sense of humor!
That's more than I can say
for some people.
What?
-Hi, there.
-How are you doing?
Get in.
That's okay. I'll grab a cab.
Humor me, rhino.
How do you like that?
Merv Green. Nice to meet you.
Ever try saying that without the gun?
I represent the Parade of Hope.
Maybe you've heard of us.
-You raise money for hospitals.
-We've added a brick or two.
There's talk that you're pulling out
of the ice show. True?
I'm not "pulling out," because
I never agreed to do a show.
Nor would I ever agree
to do a show and...
...how is that your concern?
The Parade of Hope has sponsored
every ice show since 1964.
We take a little, everyone's happy.
So let's not buck history!
For the gazillionth time, I have
no interest in doing a show!
If that's all, let me out
and we can say happy trails.
Can I have the far corner?
Tomorrow, Smoochy raises his baton
for Parade of Hope.
Banquets, benefits, I want it all.
You can pull over.
As far as the ice show goes,
I suggest you shop for skates.
This is unacceptable!
I'm calling the authorities!
Don't. Rat on them and you'll
be lucky to find your toenails.
They're the roughest charity.
You haven't been listening!
I was threatened by an organization
that's supposed to help children.
-What kind of world is this?
-The real one.
My advice? Consider the ice show
and stay healthy.
Well, how do you like that?
-Hi.
-What did I do now?
Can I come in?
Sure.
-Everything okay?
-I'm drunk.
Not that I want
to make you feel bad...
...but with alcohol, you're
consuming empty calories.
I came here to apologize.
-Really?
-Yes.
And on these rare occasions
when I feel the need to apologize...
...it helps if I'm shitfaced.
-I'm supposed to feel honored?
-I may have been harsh the other day.
A little out of line.
Don't worry. Last week you called me
a pasty-faced, no-talent hack.
-You're not doing the ice show?
-No. Now I know what they're about.
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I don't want to spoil all your fun.
You get such a sparkly glow when you
berate me in front of everyone else.
I may have become
a bit hardened over the years.
I bet.
Sincerity is an easy disguise.
It's hard to know who's on the level.
That's true.
I've been learning a lot
about that myself lately.
"Sometimes light is really dark.
Sometimes crows can sing like larks."
"Sometimes winter feels like spring.
Don't think you know everything."
-Rickets the Hippo?
-You remember him?
When I was a kid, he was
the one face I could trust.
He was my inspiration
to work in kids TV.
Me too! I took an anger management
class in college...
...we had to name a person representing
love and patience. I named him.
-He's the reason I created Smoochy!
-I don't believe this!
When I tell people about Rickets,
they look at me weird.
He was the best!
You remember the Klunky-Wunky?
I did it for my first Holy Communion.
-Get out! You did not!
-Yes!
You? The whole, like...
From me to you
-I should go.
-Wait.
-Stay a while. I got Rickets on tape.
-It's late.
You sure? I got some fennel tea.
We can hang out.
-You should get that. Bye.
-It's okay.
I'll see you down at the store.
-Hello?
-Mr. Mopes? I'm Benjamin McKnucklepeck.
I'm calling from Parents for Decency
in Children's TV. Have you heard of us?
No, but that's an issue close
to my heart. I was just talking to...
Tomorrow we're having a banquet.
We'd be honored if you performed.
We want to present a plaque to you
for your commitment to children's TV.
The presenter will be a young orphan
with mild asthma. Can you attend?
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
That'd be great. See you then.
I want to thank you for picking me up.
No worries. A chance to have
Smoochy at our soire...
...I'd stick my willie in a nest of
funnelwebs if I had to.
That sounds extreme.
Just try a "please."
You're funny! There's vodka and chips
back there if you're hungry.
I don't know if you're aware of it,
but food like that can lower your chi.
I've never eaten Korean food.
Thanks for the information.
That's why the wee ones
love your show.
You can learn and laugh
at the same time.
It's such a fresh change from that
dreadful embezzler, Rainbow Randy.
-What was his name?
-Randolph, I think.
Randolph! That's the scoundrel.
Probably gay too.
What did you say?
He's a pillow biter, you know?
The old...
I don't know about
his sleeping disorders.
But I do think he's got some problems,
alcohol and anger to name a few.
What do you mean?
I feel sorry for him. He has issues.
But don't you take a particular glee
in the fact you stole his time slot...
...and you're shoveling dirt
on his corpse?
No. I wouldn't take pleasure
in someone's misfortune.
Truth is, I thought
he was pretty talented.
He's a miserable cocksucker! A fucking
asshole! You hate him, admit it!
Where did you say you're from?
The wee ones are ready for you.
I'm ready. Give me my ax.
Here we go. Let's shake a stick.
-This is really exciting for me.
-Me too.
I never played
in a tractor parts warehouse.
We keep it no-frills.
It's all about the wee ones.
Great attitude.
I wish more people felt that way.
-Know what my motto is?
-Something inane.
"You can't change the world,
but you can make a dent."
Don't worry.
You're going to make a dent.
-Go out there and hook a horn!
-Thanks!
Auf Wiedersehen.
-Smoochy the Rhino!
-Hello, New Jersey!
It's great to be here, kids!
Sing along if you know it.
Friends, friends, we all got friends
You've got me and I got you
Friends, friends, we all need friends
It's our pals that get us through
If I had a dollar
For every friend I've made
You know...
...it's a little hard to sing to your
friends when you can't see them.
Could we just kill that spot
and bring the houselights up?
Heil Smoochy!
I hope I'm dreaming.
Freeze!
This is an unlawful assembly!
Hands on your head. Line up!
-Do you read Mein Kampf?
-Is Smoochy code for "white power"?
Is Adolf Hitler your personal hero?
-I don't hate anybody!
-You don't hate Nazis?
How does it feel to be
a racist scumbag?
Here at the Kidnet jungle,
the rhino's now extinct.
The Smoochy slot will be
safely occupied by cartoon reruns.
Hello, nipple-nibbler.
The rhino's a Nazi.
The rhino is screwed-o
The rhino is screwed
Nora! Nora!
-It's me. I gotta talk to you.
-There's nothing to say.
They're calling me fascist.
I'm being compared unfavorably
with Goebbels.
Hey. If the jackboot fits...
You believe what they're saying?
I don't have to.
The picture said it all.
That was a setup. I'm telling you!
This Fetalkunkle guy
said it was for kids.
I had no idea it was a Nazi rally.
You'd think the 50-foot swastika
might have given you a hint.
That was later.
The light was in my eyes.
It was like a nightmare.
Suddenly... Wham!
It's jackboots and Gestapo
and "Smooch Heil, Smooch Heil!"
I need your help.
I'm in a pickle here.
The fact is, I don't know you, okay?
-What?
-Not really.
Don't expect me to go out
on an emotional limb here.
But, Nora...
Nora!
What about the Klunky-Wunky dance?
I was drunk.
Don't read too much into it.
If you want a cup of juice, the
well's dried up. City shut her down.
Bastards will slap a new pair of tits
on the Statue of Liberty...
...but they won't help a poor hophead.
Just once I wish I had a little clout.
I'd set things straight in this town.
Believe me.
Hell of a world.
Hell of a world.
What do you want?
Can you spare 60 seconds
for a smiley old face from your past?
Hello, kitten.
Here's the good news.
You and Frank are in a bind.
I'd be happy to end my sabbatical
and come back.
I could start Monday. No meat.
When did you become a vegetarian?
Call costumes and props and tell them
that the old R-man is back.
Ready to start whistling tunes
for the kids.
Whose toes you gotta suck
to get a drink?
You got three seconds
to pry your ass off my couch.
You need someone for that slot
and I'm here to reclaim what's mine.
In case you forgot, you're a criminal
and a scumbag.
Have you forgotten what we once had?
That was a long time ago.
I was young and stupid.
And limber. Why we broke up,
I'll never know.
You were an asshole,
and I didn't love you.
We could have worked through that.
Goddamn it, Nora!
The public is clamoring for me.
I'm a patriot compared to Mopes.
He's a Nazi and gay.
He was checking me out in the car.
-What's that mean?
-What?
He was checking you out in what car?
No, I'm just saying
it's a vibe, you know?
Kind of a homosexual Nazi vibe.
Something that emanates from the TV.
What's with the costume?
Big erect horn.
You're talking fast.
What do you mean? I'm not.
I still love you, Nora.
Were you at that rally?
You had something to do with this?
Did you set Sheldon up?
I know why we broke up now.
Always with the accusations.
Bitch, bitch, bitch!
I miss Smoochy.
He couldn't have done the things
they say he done.
He ain't no Nazi.
I want Smoochy back.
I wanna be on the TV again.
I wanna play my cowbell.
-Has Burke been here tonight?
-Haven't seen him. Can I help you?
It's about Sheldon.
Sheldon?
Hey, what about Sheldon?
I'm trying to sleep, asshole!
Read the fucking meter another time!
Hello there, Mr. Rainbow.
How lovely to see you in the flesh.
Come here.
You wanna tell me about the rhino?
This is private property.
You're fucking trespassing.
Danny, go give Mr. Smiley
a little backrub.
Start yakking.
What are you talking about?
You're violating my...
You spud-sucking fucks!
I'm suing your Riverdance ass!
I'll send you all the way back home!
-Roy, have you got the hammer?
-Always got the hammer, Tommy.
I did it. It was me. It was all me.
Thank God we cleared that up
without further violence.
Don't touch me!
My name isn't Wandolph, it's Randolph.
How is it being the most hated man
in America?
In a country of Neanderthals,
it's an honor.
Nora says you have
an obsession with Mopes.
I barely know her.
She's been down on everything.
She spreads like cream cheese.
What about rumors that you're crazy?
That's bullshit! I'm on the same
dosage I've always been.
Between my client's dwindling cash
flow and mounting legal fees...
...he's sinking into a depression.
Who grabbed my ass?
Get away! Don't touch me!
-Very nice.
-I've been shot!
I'm bleeding! That's salmonella!
Someone touched my ass.
I want room to breathe.
Back off!
Man, it's crazy out there.
Listen...
...I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
I got swept up in the frenzy
of anti-Smoochyism.
It's a house of mirrors. You can't
always tell what you're looking at.
Yeah.
If it weren't for you,
I wouldn't be here.
Thanks.
Good.
-Five minutes.
-Thanks.
I don't know Spanish,
but thanks anyway.
It means "good luck."
Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls,
who's your favorite rhino?
Smoochy!
You guys are the greatest!
Thanks, kids. Thanks a lot.
It's great to be back home with you.
I know I was away for too long.
You probably heard
I went through rough times.
Life outside the Magic Jungle...
...can get pretty complicated.
A lot of ugliness and injustice.
Sometimes being a good person...
Well, that just isn't always enough.
And when that happens,
it is hard not to get frustrated.
Maybe even start feeling
a little bitter.
I'll just say it.
Sometimes, boys and girls,
it'll make you flat-out mad.
You know what I do
when I get mad, boys and girls?
When that pressure starts building...
...to where I feel
I won't be able to take it anymore?
And this rhino might have to put
hurt on someone?
You know what I do then?
I howl!
That's right.
I take all the things I don't like
and I let out a big howl.
Come on and howl with me now.
Howl it out!
Take all that frustration inside...
...ball it up and let it out in a howl!
Thanks a lot, kids.
I feel much better now.
So who wants to do the Jiggy Ziggy?
Smoochy is back!
And boy, did we miss him.
Shut up!
Bad. Very bad.
Too much for brain. Pressure building.
His popularity
is stronger than ever...
I despise you!
I loathe you!
Bastard son of Barney!
Die, you son of fluff!
Illegitimate Teletubby!
Die, Muppet from hell!
Die, you foam motherfucker!
What are you doing?
That's a picture-in-picture!
-It was an accident.
-I want you out of here!
Where am I supposed to go?
-Put your slippers on and get out!
-Please! I need help!
I don't care anymore. I helped you.
You abused it.
-I missed you so much!
-I missed you too, pal.
Sheldon, look, I been practicing
and practicing.
I'm getting good at it.
You want to see me march?
No, but you're going to anyway.
You gotta love him.
First, the good news.
I've given it thought and decided...
...I am gonna do the ice show.
Now I got a bar mitzvah boy!
That's a great decision.
After everything, I realized...
...it's a crime to waste your power.
-Rock bottom is a college education.
-Ready for the really good news?
I'm doing it myself.
No sponsors, no vendors, no crooks.
Not one dirty hand will touch this.
No one's gonna make
a penny off of these kids.
The Smoochy on Ice show
will be squeaky clean.
As far as the refreshments go,
they will be provided by me.
And for free.
Sodium-free pretzels, apple slices,
organic smoothies. Everything healthy.
-Wanna hear the best part?
-I'm holding my breath.
Half the profits will go to
rebuild the Coney Island Drug Clinic!
Are you telling me you wanna
give away half the profits?
-Not half. AII.
-All the profits!
The other half we use to fund
education programs.
Big junkies come from little junkies.
We'll nip it in the bud.
You can't do a show
and cut out the vendors.
Not the Parade of Hope.
It's suicide.
No, it's not.
You're the one who taught me.
You got muscle,
you make the rules.
I'll tell you something,
I'm feeling strong right now.
I got my clout back
and I'm gonna use it.
Make it happen.
Shel, help me. He's banging
this thing from morning till night.
I hate to take it, but I got a
headache from me eyes to me ass.
I love Spinner, but I owe you.
I'll see what I can do.
Give him something else
to do on the show.
Anything. So long as it
don't clang, chime or honk.
Bless you.
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
Save the rhino!
The African black rhino.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
Before it's too late, make a donation!
Thank you very much. Save the rhino...!
I need saving!
Not that ottoman with a hood ornament!
Save the Rainbow!
Your client's put me
in a hazardous situation.
A situation Merv Green holds me
accountable for.
Enough said.
Rhino's got me in a box
with no ventilation!
I feel for you.
What can I do about it?
I bring you in. On everything.
You'd be my partner, down
the middle. Even ice shows.
We got a chance to get back on track.
We gotta get rid of the rhino.
The good old days.
Pre-rhinoceros.
Let me noodle it.
No one freezes me out.
I don't care how many clinics
he's saving.
We gotta deal with this.
Rhino's out of control.
You're aggravating me.
I'm here to educate.
Stokes will get an education
on the pH balance of the East River.
This is about Mopes.
The rhino's become a menace.
-He's talking to people he shouldn't.
-That's an ugly string of words.
He thinks he'll clean up our business.
There's only one way
out of this, partner.
Boys, we have a serious problem.
This is a story about
a venomous rhino...
...and his aggressive campaign...
...to slander, vilify,
defame, denigrate...
...and villainize my good name!
But the one thing he can't do
is take away my life.
Only I can do that.
Smoochy did this to me.
I can no longer live in a world
where the innocent suffer...
...and the wicked thrive!
I'm sorry to put you through this,
my friends.
Don't try and talk me out of this.
You won't see another Rainbow Randolph
in this lifetime.
This is for you, Smoochy!
You did this to me!
No!
What you doing, Rainbow Randolph?
It's okay.
It's Smoochy! Come on!
Come on, it's Smoochy.
Let's go.
I love you!
God! What does it all mean?!
He slams the door, he stomps his feet
Sends me to bed with zilch to eat
But my stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
His temper's bad and he's a slob
He's bitter cause he lost his job
But my stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
So three cheers for the man
That I proudly call Stan
He's not quite a dad or a brother
Yes, he gets cross
But still, he's the boss
And besides he takes care of my mother
Be patient with new friends like Stan
It's tough to be Mom's second man
But your stepdad's not mean
He's just adjusting
So remember, kids, a stepdad
is a lot like a new puppy.
They need patience while
they adjust to their surroundings.
But remember, if he's ever abusive
to you or Mommy...
...what are the magic numbers?
That's right!
Now, I am very excited...
...to introduce a surprise visitor
to Jungle Land!
Welcome, all the way from
the Lalwood Downs Rhino Preserve...
...my cousin, Moochy!
Come on down here, Mooch!
You big drink of water! How are you?
Thanks for coming all this way!
Say hello to the boys
and girls out there.
My name is Moochy.
Yes, we've established that.
This costume's
making my nuts itch.
That was so much fun!
Man, did you do great!
And the ice show is
gonna be so much fun!
I'm gonna skate out in circles
and then I'm falling on my ass!
You're looking forward
to it, aren't you?
Boy, being back at the coliseum,
back in the arena...
...and with the crowds,
and they're just cheering...
...it's gonna be like...
It's gonna be like heaven.
It's gonna be great, champ.
Sheldon, I love you.
I love you too, buddy.
I'll tell you,
I'll go to the locker room...
...and take all my headgear off,
and you...
Okay, okay. All right.
He's excited about the ice show.
I've been reading so much about it.
We're getting a lot of ink.
It's great.
It's great, what you're doing.
Thanks.
You inspired me to use my
juice to put that together.
I really do appreciate that.
Good.
Thanks.
-The stepfather segment went well.
-Oh, yeah?
I don't know what was
going on with the...
The energy was just
really, really clicking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're not full of shit like
the others? You're for real?
Totally!
I mean, I couldn't tell.
First, I thought it was an act.
And then I just thought
you were a simp or something!
It's understandable.
There was the whole Nazi thing!
I forgive you for that.
What round is it?
Former heavyweight contender
Lawrence "Spinner" Dunn...
...was found shot to death in a
rhinoceros outfit early this morning.
How'd you hit the wrong rhino?
Who knew he had a cousin?
They're identical.
Smoochy's fuchsia, Moochy's burgundy!
Read a paper!
-You have to go back to kindergarten?!
-All you said was hit the rhino.
-I'm not taking the blame for this.
-I'm not through yet, rhino.
Your time will come!
-He wanted to be in the show so bad.
-Stop torturing yourself.
I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry.
-He loved you, Shel.
-I know.
I guarantee that fucking Randolph
has seen his last rainbow.
We'll cut off his balls
and shove them up his ass!
Maybe we should leave
it for the cops.
Cops won't do the ball thing.
Against policy.
Don't forget, this was meant for you.
From now on, everywhere you go, we go!
-I'll be fine.
-Fine, nothing!
As Christ is my witness,
no one's touching a hair on you!
-Spinner would've wanted it that way.
-Poor Spinner.
All right, boys. Let's go pray
and get shitfaced.
Yeah, you do that.
You have one for me, okay?
Try not to hurt anyone, Roy.
What would Jesus do?
How long was Randolph
in your apartment?
Just a couple of nights, officer.
Smoochy?
Tommy's here!
Tommy and her boys are here.
You sure? The cops have a lot
of evidence against Randolph.
We investigated ourselves.
Cousin lan from down at the morgue.
You met him at the wake.
See the neck?
Snapped like a twig. Animals.
Parade of Hope.
They like to sign the tab.
-What's that guy's name over there?
-Merv Green.
This is one tab they
should have left blank.
I knew he was a jizz-bag when he
grabbed my ass at Feed the Children.
Mr. Green will get a first-class ride
through the justice system.
It's all taken care of.
How do you mean?
Sometimes in this life, a man's got
to answer for his indiscretions.
It was a mistake. An honest mistake.
I was just trying to help the children!
-You like kids, huh?
-Sure, of course!
You know fairy tales then.
Tell him the one about the prick...
...that gets his head
chopped off with an ax!
No!
I don't feel so good about this
all of a sudden.
-We took his head and...
-Okay, that's definitely...
...more information than I care
to have at this point.
I'm having second thoughts.
I can't do it!
Relax, it's all good.
They found Merv's head in
the Grand Concourse.
We'll take the whole ball of wax.
Going in with Buggy Ding Dong's
a mistake!
Leave him to me. Once he does it,
the rhino's dead.
We light up the Macanudos!
Relax!
Where is our guest of honor?
-Our smack addict?
-It'll be fine!
We're relying on a smack addict.
Terrific.
Sorry I'm late, man.
I fell asleep at the bus station.
Looking good, Buggy.
Excuse me if I smell like piss.
You know how it is.
God help us.
-You want a drink?
-Vodka.
I do this thing tonight
and the spot's mine?
With a bow on it.
The thing is, we gotta put it to rest.
The rhino is up way past his bedtime.
Buggy?
We're in, right? We're set?
Sure.
Look at all the pretty lights.
Every cop's looking for you.
You have to stay put.
-I wanted to be a priest.
-I know.
Do you believe in angels?
I saw one in Times Square.
This little angel with curls.
She was the only one
that cared about me.
She saved my life.
You don't want to kill yourself.
You know that.
Perhaps it's time to heal.
Admit that Smoochy has won
and gracefully march forward.
Now you're talking.
This is a big step, I'm proud of you.
Did you bring lunch?
Chicken and stars?
Just like you asked.
-May I have some?
-For a smile.
Attaboy!
I got you some crossword puzzles
and stuff to read.
You okay?
First he takes my career,
then my life, now my girl.
She's not your girl anymore.
The balls on that fuchsia fuck!
I'll tear him apart! Piece by piece!
-Piece by piece!
-You said it's time to heal. Stop it.
I'll take him apart, hoof by hoof!
Horn by horn!
-Once and for all, now and forever!
-What happened to marching forward?
Motherfucker!
Yeah.
Can I help you?
I got news, Nora.
Buggy?
How you doing, apple cheeks?
Long time, no see.
-What are you doing?
-I got business with Stokes.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah! He's gonna
put me back on the air.
He's gonna give me a shot.
I'm gonna take the rhino's place.
-What are you talking about?
-Buggy Ding Dong shall rise again.
Like a magnificent phoenix,
or some other town in Arizona.
I've always been smitten
with you, baby.
-Let me show you my Buggy bumper.
-Back off, Dracula!
Keep in touch.
Keep in touch.
Stokes cut a deal with Buggy
for the Smoochy slot.
Buggy Ding Dong, the host of
Buggy's Bumpy Railroad?
Until he discovered the joys of
black mule heroin.
Why would Stokes replace
Smoochy with a smack addict?
I don't know.
Somebody toss me a beach towel,
because my head is swimming.
What's up?!
Two for the price of one!
How convenient.
How serendipitous.
-Get the fuck out of here!
-You eat with that mouth?
-Okay, let's just all take it easy.
-Bite me, Buddha! I had her first.
-What?
-That's right, baby.
You snatched her away,
now you gots to pay.
-Cork it, asshole!
-Wanna explain what this is about?
Didn't she tell you of the love
we once had?
Passionate, yet tender.
Old-fashioned, yet experimental.
Randolph, you've lost your mind.
Enlighten the lad, Nora! You were
such a hot little brood mare.
-Does the bridle still fit?
-Watch it...
Experiments?
I've had firmer handshakes.
Please. It's small, but it's fierce!
Hold the phone here.
Are you telling me this is true?
You and him?
No. You know, yeah.
How do you like that?
You're just an action figure
for her collection.
Shut up before I jaw you again.
I got Mr. Boomy, missy!
Tell him about Jingle Jackson.
You dated Jingle Jackson too?
She used to like to play
with his bells.
What about Wally the Whale?
How could you do it
with Wally?
There she blows!
I can't believe you didn't
tell me about this.
Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it.
But there was a time in my life...
...when I was a bit
of a kiddie host groupie.
-My God, I feel dizzy.
-This has nothing to do with us!
You're different. It was another time.
I was another woman.
You've shown me a world
that I never thought could exist.
-Really?
-Yes.
What the fuck am I watching here?
Your little soap opera? Shut up!
This is my show!
Do you know the power
of a condemned man?
I don't think you want
to hurt anyone here.
Go blow yourself, Martha!
Look what you've done to this place.
Dian Fossey!
When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse!
There, I had a painting
of a naked chick holding a plant.
Very tasteful, no bush.
Not a picture of your mother!
We know you didn't kill Spinner,
so just cool your jets!
Thank you, Mother Teresa.
Tell that to the mob outside.
They want my ass!
I'm like a goddamn toaster at Macy's!
Randolph's ass, aisle three!
We'll go to the police tomorrow.
I'll explain everything.
It'll all work out fine.
Just trust me, Randolph.
Do not start with your
magician's tricks, young Moses!
I am Pharaoh! And you are my slave.
And this is my kingdom!
Rainbow Randolph is the man
Yes, oh, yes, he is
He's the prez of Rainbow Land
Yes, oh, yes, he is
With some fun, fun here
A laugh, laugh there
Here a dance, there a song
Everywhere is fun, fun
Rainbow Randolph is the king
-Get the gun.
-What?
Get the gun.
-You're hurting me!
-You wanna go down in flames?
The flames are too hot!
They're driving me mad!
Go ahead, kill me!
Go ahead, finish me off! I'm nothing!
Put me out of my misery.
You're not nothing, all right?
You're bitter, misguided and you got
issues with sexual identity.
But you're Rainbow Randolph.
That's worth something.
You've made a lot of children happy.
Will you be my friend?
Sure.
I love you both.
-You're going down to their level.
-I'm just wising up.
She's right. Don't make the same
mistake I did. Keep your dignity.
My balls! They're on fire!
I appreciate everybody's concern.
But I know what I'm doing.
I tried.
We gotta get to the arena
for the show.
You can stay here
as long as you like. You'll be safe.
-You've got a good man there.
-Just rest.
He's the real thing.
You're the real thing.
Thanks.
I'm a fraud. A wicked man
who's done wicked acts.
Well, it's like the song says:
"We all got our bad days."
-Buggy.
-Angelo.
What are you doing?!
I thought you cleaned up!
I did. I cleaned up half
the poppies in Asia.
-Can I get a pretzel?
-lf that's what you want.
With mustard. Everything's free.
-Here you go.
-Salt.
Sorry, our pretzels are salt-free.
-We should call it off.
-I can't.
There's a lot of kids and junkies
out there who are counting on me.
I got a job to do.
Come on, wish me luck.
-Hi?
-Randy, is that you?
What will you wear to the show?
I hope a thong.
-Buggy's been here.
-The Dong man?
He broke in and lifted
my backstage pass.
He's doing a job for Burke.
Gonna get a show
after the rhino's gone.
-He's higher than a prom dress in June.
-I got a bad feeling about this.
-No shit.
-I have to go to the show.
The cops will jump on you
like a trampoline.
Burke and Ding Dong
equals trouble.
I have to save the rhino.
Randy!
America's favorite rhino.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls, here's Smoochy!
Thank you.
Thank you.
For myself and the soon-
to-be-restored methadone clinic...
...I want to thank you all
for being here.
Hip, hip, hooray.
You all came here to hear
your favorite Smoochy songs...
...but we've got something different,
something personal to me.
I've told you how important it is
to be honest about your feelings.
If I didn't share with you what
I've been feeling and going through...
...I wouldn't be a very honest rhino,
would I?
I'm going on a journey today
and I hope you'll come along.
You need your true friends
by your side.
This is for Spinner.
Don't let them get you, Smoochy!
It's Rainbow Randolph!
No, I just look like him.
I'm trying to save a friend
from a deranged junkie.
For the kids? Okay.
Friends come in all sizes.
Excuse me.
Goodbye, Smoochy.
You shot Smoochy, you bastard!
Give me the gun!
I've gotta kill him!
Get off of me!
Give me that gun!
It's Buggy!
-What do we do now?
-Survival of the fittest.
It's Buggy!
That's Randolph!
Let go of me, you fucking junkie!
I never saw Venice!
You okay?
I'm fucked up in general,
so it's hard to gauge.
It's Burke, he set you up!
He tried to kill you! There he is!
He's getting away!
-Burke, get back here!
-Sheldon, wait!
Look, it's Smoochy!
Hey, it's Smoochy!
Stop him!
-Honey, it's Smoochy!
-Smoochy!
You pull a gun on me?
A gun I gave you as a gift?
Where's your etiquette?
-I'll tell you a secret about a gun.
-What?
You have to cock it.
Drop it, shithead!
Don't you move!
-You okay?
-Yeah.
You...
Take it easy.
You were my agent.
How could you set me up like that?
-It was circumstances.
-Circumstances? You killed Spinner!
It was a mistake.
I wish I could turn back time.
He was my friend, you son of a bitch!
Get up! Get up and look at me!
-You gonna shoot me?
-Yeah.
Not very Smoochy-like.
I don't feel very
Smoochy-like right now.
Wait.
Let me tell you something.
You fucked with the wrong rhino.
No!
-Sheldon, halt!
-Don't do it!
Tommy, stay out of this.
Don't destroy who you are
for this piece of shit.
Give me the gun.
My God, what am I doing?
Come on, now. That's it.
I'm sorry. I don't know how
I let myself get pushed so far.
You're only human, darling.
Come on. Let's go away.
What should we do about these guys?
Don't worry, we'll deal with them.
-You won't do anything extreme?
-Even a rat deserves mercy.
-Off you go.
-Thanks a lot.
Macanudos, my ass!
We're in deep shit. Deep shit.
You boys ever traveled
together before?
It's a beautiful city, but there's
a lot of grime on it, you know?
You helped give it
a little more polish.
You think?
Thanks.
Let's go home, Smooch.
The show's over.
No, it isn't. It's just beginning.
With great pleasure I introduce
to you, together for the first time...
side by side, shoulder to shoulder,
ladies and gentlemen...
boys and girls, please welcome
Smoochy the Rhino and Rainbow Randolph!
Edited by Raymy