Decoys (2004) Movie Script
Are they home?
Nobody home.
Let's go.
Hello?
Let me get that for you.
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Hey, that looks pretty good.
Cool.
What the hell is going on?
Ice Queen, baby!
Damn it, Javane, you're such a knob.
Remind me to take art next semester.
You might get burned.
You make my teeth sweat, girl.
You think Melody knows I'm a virgin?
Actually? Yeah.
It's freezing in here.
Someone left the window open.
I can't stand frigging smokers.
It's bad enough we gotta do laundry.
I'm not doing it at 30 below.
Beer?
- I gotta slow down, man, okay?
-You can slow down when you're dead.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, I'm Lilly.
And this is my cousin, Constance.
Sorry. I have an oral fixation.
May I?
We transferred from Bayside.
Our room's right down the hall from yours.
Number 1021.
How come I haven't seen you guys
around before?
We're pre-med. Different schedules.
So, what's your major?
I have no idea. I'm a freshman.
How completely adorable.
You want a lick?
There's a sorority party
happening tomorrow...
-and I was thinking maybe--
-We know.
Cool.
Maybe.
See you later, fresh-man.
Hello?
- I think he's kind of cute.
-Sure, if you like Elijah Wood.
When was the last time you actually
had a conversation with a guy...
and he didn't get distracted
by your cleavage?
Look you in the eye? Not if he can help it.
Up-down, up-down. Hello? Focus.
I'm up here.
Men back home,
they don't care about the flash.
It's what's inside that counts.
The men at home are dead.
These boys are ripe for picking.
It's amazing, the power of a low-cut top.
L, for one, am positively exhausted.
There's so much to do with so little time.
Do you want to go to bed?
Oh, yeah.
Will you do it for me again?
You know I want to.
Thanks. Much better.
You're welcome.
Honey, let's go see what Natasha's up to.
All right, whatever.
Who the man? I'm the man
Who the man? I'm the man
Go, Roger, tell me what you want to see
Dude, there's something I've got to tell you.
Dude, you're always busting me
to get a date.
Yeah, I got one.
I just met the two...
finest women in the world.
Blonde goddesses.
Constance and her cousin Lilly.
Presenting the babe bookends.
The hotter one just invited me
to their sorority rush party tomorrow night.
- I'm so in!
-Those blondes that you met, Rodge?
There's something seriously bent
about them.
Yeah! These are women, baby. Hot!
Goodbye 2-D. Hello 3-D.
Dude, Lilly, her chest burst open.
And then these black fleshy snakes
start whipping around.
And I'm telling you,
she's standing there, euphoric.
Just drinking in the spray
from this trippy aerosol can.
Then Bigfoot showed up?
I'm telling you.
I know it sounds insane, but it happened.
Yeah, it has nothing to do
with the five beers you powered down.
I was not wasted.
Okay, I'm telling you though,
something is seriously--
Luke, it's all right.
I want you to calm down, okay?
I want you to breathe. Okay, that's good.
What about the spray can?
- What about it?
-it had this little periodic symbol on it.
What, you mean like Prince?
The little symbol?
No, it was N2. Alex, what is N2?
- Liquid Nitrogen.
-it's hairspray.
What happens if it gets in your skin?
It can cause cryogenic burning
and the instantaneous freezing of tissue.
Was there anything else?
I don't think they had navels.
If you think that you saw something, Luke,
I believe you.
Okay, I'm having a party
and it's in a place called reality.
You're both invited.
Please shut up.
Nobody calls me Nathan.
It's Gibby, all right?
Okay.
What if they came here to take over SJC?
Trust me, I don't think St. John's College
is on the big alien radar.
- If only I could get a good look at it.
-At what?
The opening between her breasts.
What? No...
Look, there's a Cronenberg festival
at the Cross River Cinema tonight.
So let's just blow off
this whole Animal House thing, okay?
I've gotta find the truth.
It is off the hook, yo!
Oh, my man. What's up, baby?
Natasha's thinking about rushing Pi Omega.
- You'll fit right in.
-Thanks.
- Hi, guys.
-Hey, Mel.
Everybody, shooters!
Okay. Don't they look weird to you?
Do you mean the fact that
they're incredibly beautiful, toned...
and don't need an airbrush?
Yes, they're not normal. They're obvious.
Here's hoping they're dumb as a post.
They're pre-med.
Of course they are.
Hi. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
No.
Want to get your groove on?
Sure.
Tick-tack.
I'm all yours.
Is that a fact?
"I'm all yours." "Is that a fact?"
Hey, you okay?
Sure, why wouldn't I be?
Well, you wanted to be one of the boys.
Now you are.
You're not helping, Melody.
How about a cocktail?
Good times.
Funniest thing.
What's that?
I forgot a roll of quarters
in the laundry room.
Quarters? Yeah?
And somehow they just seemed
to walk back to my room...
all by themselves.
Was it magic?
Or just a thoughtful neighbor?
Maybe.
Luke Callahan.
Where I'm from, we kiss hello.
Sisters, who are we?
Pi Beta Omega!
Pi Beta Omega!
Now, sisters and brothers,
it is my pleasure to introduce to you...
captain of the hockey team, Bobby Johnson!
Bobby, you rule!
Testing, testing.
"As this semester's Pi Guy...
"it gives me great pleasure...
"to name Pi Beta Omega's candidate...
"for Ice Queen.
"Pi Omega newbie, Miss Lilly Vincent!"
Fantastic!
Thanks, everybody, and thank you, Bobby.
I need a drink.
Give him a kiss!
Let's party!
- You asshole!
-Sorry.
- This is angora!
-I'm really sorry.
I am never, ever, gonna forgive you!
Like, never!
- Loser!
-I can't believe this.
The truth hurts, don't it?
Why don't you get your own date, asswipe?
Come on.
- My mouth.
-Ginny!
- I'm sorry.
-incoming!
I'm sorry.
Stop!
Get lost, you pussy.
- Where are you going, man?
-I'm out of here.
Luke, wait up.
She got under your skin in a hurry.
I've never seen you react like that.
Well, you're not her.
- What happened? Are you okay?
-I thought she was different.
Well, good thing
you guys didn't have any kids.
No, it's easier this way. No messy divorce.
Let's go for a drive.
I've got to clear my head.
Okay. Shotgun.
I'm gonna go get my cell phone.
- I'll meet you in the parking lot.
- Don't leave without me.
I'm loving you, buddy.
Occupied, friend.
Keep your pants on. Somebody's in here.
Hi.
How are you doing? I'm okay.
I'll be out in one second, okay?
Or not.
Clumsy.
It's hot in here.
Yes, it is rather hot.
And it's about to get hotter.
Oh, God, no. Oh, no!
You're crazy. You're nuts. Please stop.
Constance, what are you doing?
You're crazy.
Stop. Okay.
Come on.
Come on, Bobby. This way.
Now you're talking, baby.
No, stop.
What's the problem, my dear?
It's just... That's a crazy birthmark.
Climbing aboard Flight 69.
Southbound for the region of...
Hello? Who's in there? Damn it.
Look, Constance,
I don't know how to put this...
delicately.
You're a woman of a certain experience.
Hello? Who's in there?
Constance, could you just, just one...
Okay, gear down, big rig.
Look...
I'm a virgin.
Okay, look, it's...
I got a serious situation, you guys.
I just want my first time to be special,
you know?
Beautiful.
Romantic.
Not a rush job
on the floor of the Pi Omega shitter.
You really know how to talk to a woman.
- Come on, I'm dying out here!
-I want to have sex with you, Roger.
I don't want to frigging marry you. Move.
Oh, God.
Maybe it's just the battery.
That's the only new thing
on this piece of shit.
We don't have to go off campus to talk,
you know.
I know.
Look, sometimes women flirt
because they crave validation...
not because they want to get with you.
So you're saying Lilly is normal?
Take away the silicone, Botox,
and hair dye, yes.
She's just a girl.
Why get me so hot and bothered?
Sometimes it's genuine.
- What is it?
-I thought I heard...
It's nothing.
You know what? Forget it.
Let's call it. Game over.
Come on, give it up, baby. Come on.
Jesus, Rodge!
What?
Nothing.
That's the pepperoni.
Heard about your fight last night. Good.
Go for the kneecaps next time.
- There won't be a next time.
-That's what you said last time.
Dude, I'm not your mom or anything,
but shouldn't you go easy on the partying?
- Your heart could give out.
-Dude...
I've got these babies to keep it real, okay?
Don't you worry about it. It'll keep pumping,
and I'll do the humping, right?
What are we talking about?
- So?
-I'm still in the kiddie club.
No! What happened?
- I wanted to wait.
-For?
The right moment.
Man, you should go for it.
Really? Okay.
Hi, your attention, please.
All alien babes are free to roam
about the cabin. Feel free.
Funny.
You know, I don't really know
what I saw the other night.
When I was a kid, I believed
that something else existed, you know?
A unicorn in the forest,
a monster under the bed.
A hot alien with snake tits?
It probably was my imagination.
I was kind of hammered.
Hey, man, I'm sorry things didn't work out
with you and Lilly.
Whatever.
You get it.
Come in.
Luke Callahan?
- Amanda?
-Let's make this easy on both of us.
- Why didn't you call?
-Luke, I need you to come with me.
Detective Kirk needs to have
a few words with you.
Okay.
Give me a sec.
No way.
No way, you and her?
Mention it to anyone and you're a dead man.
Move those people back.
This is a crime scene, not a keg party.
You heard the man.
No indication of a struggle.
No obvious cause of death.
Anyone for a little ring toss?
Watts, take over.
- Holy shit!
-There's nothing holy about that shit.
Callahan, you come with me.
Come on, PUPPY-
I just saw him last night.
A couple of hours ago.
A lot of people saw him last night,
sports fan.
Bobby left the party with someone.
It looked like they were about to hook up.
Please, don't keep me in suspense.
Her name was Lilly Vincent.
Where were you last night, Luke?
- Me?
-Yeah.
I went to the party for a little while.
Then I wanted to go for a drive...
but it didn't happen.
Why did you leave?
I'd had enough.
- People said you were pretty upset.
-People?
Heard about a little shoving match, too.
- That was nothing.
-You hit girls a lot, do you?
- Of course not.
-Yeah.
Why don't we go someplace
and warm up a bit? Hop in, puppy.
Hey, move it!
Detective, I didn't kill Bobby.
But the other night,
I did see something that was unbelievable.
Unless it's your alibi,
I don't want to hear about it.
- No. You have to listen to me.
-No, you have to listen to me.
See, I got you hitting on Bobby's girlfriend,
picking a fight with the deceased...
clocking a co-ed...
leaving the party in a jealous rage...
and at the scene of the crime
at the estimated time of death.
Bingo!
Finally.
- How's business, Doc?
-it's dead. Competition's killing me.
Any Updates?
This is really fascinating.
- What's that?
-Bobby here has no sign of struggle...
no exterior markings, no poisons.
He has above-average blood-alcohol level,
but certainly not enough to trigger a coma.
Well, the expression on his face tells me
he must have felt something.
This is really baffling.
Bobby froze...
from the inside out.
Did you say "froze from the inside out"?
How do you figure that?
You take a piece of meat
and throw it out in the freezing cold...
the frost attacks the extremities,
and then it burrows through to the core.
Now our subject, his organs are rock solid.
But his exterior body temp was barely
below freezing when we found him.
No, Bobby's deep freeze started
from the inside out.
Anything else?
Excuse me.
There's evidence
that a hose was forced down his throat.
- A hose?
-Yeah, a beer bong.
It's a funnel connected to a hose.
It's a drinking game.
Kids today. Who the hell knows?
Right. In your opinion, Doc,
did this hose kill him?
No way. I've seen this kind of thing before.
Never like this.
Here, puppy-
Come on.
You're released, Callahan.
Great.
- Did you catch the killer?
-Yes...
and no.
The clean corpse at Arch Memorial
means you're free.
For now, PUPPY-
Bye-bye. PUPPY-
I'd bet my badge that kid did it.
And when I pin it on him, it'll be my ticket.
- This type of behavior will not be tolerated.
-I didn't do anything wrong.
We cannot be caught
with our guard down again, understand?
It looks bad for all of us.
"All of us"?
- Archer Memorial Hospital.
-You got it.
Jesus!
Holy shit!
Hello, dickhead!
You're really getting the hang of
this breaking and entering thing.
What's next, Luke? Liquor store?
Maybe a casino?
He had to have been there for hours,
and his body was still ice-cold.
That's because he was dead, genius.
- I broke his arm off. It snapped.
-That's nasty. Why did you have to do that?
They even had a diagram of a tentacle.
When is someone gonna do something?
Who made you C.S.I., New Brunswick?
I know what I saw.
Dude, you're delusional, okay?
Bobby got tanked, man.
He got tanked, he passed out
after a sub-zero lap dance, and that's it.
That's right.
She screwed him to death.
Got her bloodsucking hooks in him.
Hooks? Look, man. All right.
You said yourself,
the detective had nothing to go on, right?
Bobby was clean: no cuts, no scars,
no sucker burns, nothing.
Because she shoved them down his throat.
Or up his--
Luke, do you have any idea
how insane you sound?
Yes, thank you.
Anyway, Constance cleared her.
That's it. Game over.
- That's because she's one of them, too.
-Come on.
This has been an experience, but I gotta
bounce. I'm meeting Natasha at the G.S.U.
It's her Pi Beta rush meeting tonight...
so I'm about to Pi Beta rush.
You know what I'm saying?
Just be careful, man.
Okay.
- You know what I think?
-What's that?
I think this is all an elaborate plan
to screw up my evening.
What?
Yeah, man.
Tonight's the night, buddy, okay?
Constance and me. I've got a ticket to ride,
man, and ride I will.
I got some candles, I got some incense,
I even got some Lauryn Hill.
- This ain't about you.
-I know, that's the point. It's about you.
I finally find a girl, a hot girl,
who's interested in me...
and you can't stand the competition.
Pi Omega's all wrong, man.
I'm talking casa du Roger.
Boys, there has been a death on campus.
There's a slight possibility
Constance might not be up for some nookie.
Actually...
Constance feels that now, more than ever,
we should make love tonight...
seeing how delicate life is and everything.
Take the room, bro.
Yes! Okay.
This is great, man. Thanks.
Looks like I've got to find a place
to crash tonight.
Oh, God! Help me!
That kid gets under my skin.
So are you going to
that Ice Queen thing tonight?
I guess.
Do you want to go together?
How come you don't have a date?
There's someone I like,
but the timing's not right yet.
Who?
It doesn't matter.
So this guy know you like him, or...
I can't hold it in any longer.
The council had a secret vote.
- Guess what?
-What?
- You're in!
-Oh, my God!
She's so brave.
She a dime-and-a-half.
I'm like a deer in boob lights right now.
I'm saying, she got the ba dunk-a-dunk!
Let's go say hi, Nathan.
Whatever you say, baby.
- Sisters?
-Let's.
Something ain't right.
It is pretty hardcore.
Bobby dies yesterday
and she's out tonight in a red dress.
- I got a plan.
-To do what?
To finally uncover them
for who they truly are.
- Okay, what is it?
-Either you're in or you're out.
- Where did you get this?
-Bustyourbabysitter.com. Serious.
I need you to plant that
in the shower upstairs, okay?
- Right.
-it's not like that.
"Girls gone wild."
Lilly and Constance aren't normal, Alex.
Photos equal proof.
Forget it. I'll do it myself.
I said I was in. I'm in.
All right. Meet you in the dorm room, okay?
Girls?
Who's out there?
Damn, baby girl, where you taking me?
Someplace romantic.
Fo' shizzle! You in trouble, girl.
Okay. Open.
You sick, you know that, Natasha?
And I like it. Come here, girl.
Give me some sugar now.
- Come on in here, Nathan.
-I love it when you call me that, girl.
I like what you've done with this place.
What do you dream about?
Papi like.
You just bought yourself a shirt.
Proceed, baby.
Can you...
All right. Perfect.
We are good to go.
Casa du Roger.
Come on, they're gonna be alone,
unguarded. She's sure to pop.
And we're gonna be right down the hall.
- Let's get back.
-Yes.
How you doing? You've reached Gibby.
I can't come to the phone right now
'cause I'm all up in some business.
Come on now, girl.
You do me right, I'll buy you a house, baby.
I'll buy you a house
with a big-ass bathroom in it...
and you can have all sorts of perfumes
and they could all...
Girl, you are some kind of freak,
you know that?
What the hell?
What's happening? Somebody help me!
Help me!
Cold.
He's tanked.
Good luck, sister.
Those other girls don't stand a chance.
Baby, come on.
I'll have a vodka. Chilled.
- Make it a triple.
-All right.
That's what I'm talking about!
I am a marshmallow! I'm a cookie!
Dude, look...
you've got a long night ahead of you,
all right? Remember that.
You're right.
- Smarten up.
-Tonight's the night.
Luke, come here.
I love you, man.
AH right, listen up, everybody.
It is showtime!
And now, presenting this year's Ice Queen...
a woman who could cause
a global meltdown:
Miss Lilly Vincent!
Hi. I'd like to dedicate this crown
and this entire night...
to a guy who stole my heart
and took it with him to heaven.
Bobby Johnson, we miss you.
Could I have a moment of silence?
Pretty please?
Sweetie, you are no good to me like this.
Save your energy, okay?
See you tomorrow night.
Thank you.
Bobby, I know you're up there somewhere.
This is for you.
Hit it.
- Hey, big fellow.
-What?
Come here.
Hi, Alex.
- I brought you a balloon.
-It's pretty, like my kitty.
Don't even go there.
Roger's out of commission. I'm going in.
Just make sure everything is ready.
Alex, I know what I'm doing.
Just be there.
You smell like chicken.
- Congratulations.
-Thank you.
I like what you said about Bobby.
- That was nice.
-Thanks.
So, where did your cousin go?
I'm not her keeper.
You wanna get out of here?
- Sure.
-Good.
I lost him.
That string of three stars?
That's the belt of Orion.
What do you know about him?
Nothing.
He's the night sky's grandest figure.
He's the warrior, a hunter of prey.
Most people think of him as aggressive,
but I think he's misunderstood.
Must be tough,
getting a bad rap for a thousand years.
Have you ever felt isolated?
Like you just don't fit in?
Imagine getting dropped off here...
and not knowing a single soul
except your cousin...
who secretly resents anything good
that happens to you.
It's unreal.
I actually feel guilty
when I'm happy and she's not.
- That sucks.
-Yeah.
And she's the one with the boyfriend.
I'm all alone.
No.
You're not.
Luke, what are you doing?
I love fresh air.
So do I.
Here. Come on.
We're in business.
- This is so beautiful.
-So are you.
Holy shit!
Shit!
Oh, God! No!
- Did you see her?
-See what?
The computer.
I don't know what happened,
but the computer freaked out.
Let me see.
- She saw the camera.
-I know.
It's the Loch Ness monster at best.
You see anything?
Damn it.
What about the shower cam? Punch that up.
See? Look at that. There.
Did you see that? Right there.
That mark on her chest?
I mean, they're everywhere.
They've come to the Earth to kill us all.
These women have the right
to live their lives...
without some pervert
putting cameras in their freaking showers.
There are laws protecting privacy, son,
and I'm sure you've broken all of them.
- I needed proof!
-Proof?
You need proof?
All this proves to me
is that you're demented.
And don't you think that
you've fallen off my murder suspect list, pal.
This incident has just given you
a promotion to the top of the heap.
- Kirk? You called?
-Get him out of my sight.
Move it!
You gonna walk me all the way home?
- Luke, listen--
-No, look, you listen.
Things have been
totally whacked out lately...
but I know one thing is true.
You cut me loose
without even saying goodbye.
Say something.
I don't believe you're a murderer.
Is that enough?
Not even close.
It's so cold, my ass is frozen shut.
- Are you sure you don't want my jacket?
-I'm sure.
Lick? It's Chunky Monkey.
No thanks. I probably wouldn't be able
to keep it down anyway.
Suit yourself.
I'm sorry I passed out on you last night.
Well, everything did kind of go limp
for me after that.
What a crazy coincidence.
I must say, though,
the evening wasn't the same without you.
But I made the best of it.
This is my stop.
So, I'll meet you after the Bio final.
The countdown's begun.
- Bye.
-Bye.
Where the hell is everybody?
How you doing? You've reached Gibby.
I can't come to the phone right now
'cause Fm all up in some business.
What's happening?
-It was right in front of me the whole time.
-What was?
They love the cold, right?
And the heat is their weakness.
Those candles totally freaked out Lilly.
She went ballistic and started to change.
- You heard it at least, right?
-Honestly, I didn't.
Of course not, why would you?
I'm sorry, it was dark in the monitor.
I was disoriented.
I'm trying, Luke!
Welcome to my life.
I'm a punch line at the alien roundtable.
Hey, buddy.
Thanks for the campfire last night.
Lilly really digs her new third-degree burns.
What are you doing, man? That's my shit.
I'm looking for something. Anything.
She must have shed or something.
She had scales and a black liquid.
Knock it off, man. What gives you the right
to do this? Come on.
I'm solo on this witch-hunt
and nothing is gonna stand in my way!
Come on.
Over the line, bucko. You touched my porn.
Luke, calm down.
Will you look at yourself, man?
Last week, it was all about PS2
and doing bong hits. This week:
cameras, conspiracies,
and ass-kicking aliens from Hooter planet.
I got one word for you, dude: issues.
Do me a favor, Luke.
Why don't you go out, find someone
10 years older than you, maximum...
go and get laid.
Screw you.
Nice.
I have a confession to make.
I already know you're a virgin, baby.
No, it's not that.
Wait.
I really like you.
You're smart...
focused...
not to mention incredibly fine.
You are not so bad yourself.
But honesty is the foundation...
on which every successful relationship
is built, right?
Did you have a lot of sisters growing up
or something?
It's just that...
I don't want us to hide anything from
each other, especially if we're gonna be...
intimate.
- -Okay
-Okay?
It's just that...
Luke thinks that you're a killer.
A killer babe?
A killer alien...
-from outer space.
-What?
He thinks that you and Lilly
have already toasted a bunch of guys...
and that you're part of some hottie
invasion force from hell or something.
I know it sounds super stupid, believe me.
It's just that I wanted to...
I wanna clear the air between us
before we make love.
No secrets, okay? Full disclosure.
I wasn't supposed to have feelings
about this.
About what?
About you.
I've never met anyone like you, Roger.
- You say it like it's a bad thing.
-it is.
Because everything you've said
about Lilly and I...
is true.
Wait a minute.
You gotta be kidding me.
You're a serial killer from outer space?
I knew that I couldn't go through with it.
Not with you, Roger.
I mean, the others,
they were one step away from date rape.
- And Bobby, who was gonna miss him?
-His parents?
He beat his last girlfriend
within an inch of her life.
- Still.
-We're not murderers!
My sisters and I have come here
out of desperation.
We needed a new frozen planet
with an abundant supply of male DNA...
to save our species.
Okay.
Why? Why us? Why here?
Why St. John's College?
We found this college
on your wireless Internet...
and we were particularly attracted to this.
IceQueen.ca?
Our scout came here two years ago
to prepare...
and she confirmed
what your website advertised:
ice-cold hormones.
What was left of our female race
started to arrive six weeks ago.
In Canada.
People are awfully nice.
Yeah, except your victims.
Getting the incubation temperature
just right has been a little bit tricky.
The truth is if you and I
were to make love tonight...
you would almost certainly die.
Sure takes the edge off getting laid.
We are getting closer with each host.
I mean, we're adapting.
I must be the first breeder.
What if...
What if I'm the first guy it works on?
I could be an alien dad or something.
That'd be kind of cool.
Although it would be the highest honor
imaginable to be the first one to spawn...
I will not take that chance with you.
Let's wait.
That should hold them.
I'm just an innocent sorority girl
trying to get a B in Physics.
That's crap and you know it.
Okay, Lilly?
You're gonna spill.
Now.
Luke, you're scaring me.
You hear that?
That's the sound of good old H20...
reaching a cruising altitude
of 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Kind of gets under your skin...
doesn't it?
Please don't do this!
Can I see it?
What?
Your...
No.
I don't think it's a good idea.
It's all about trust, right?
Where's your bellybutton?
Give me your hand.
Next time, I'm gonna supersize my fire.
It's okay.
I'm going to start
with a simple question, okay?
What do you
and the intergalactic bikini team want?
World domination...
one dick at a time?
I don't know what you're talking about!
Please let me go.
Please?
How do you like your alien, Luke?
Medium rare, thanks.
What the hell is going on down here?
I know who you are!
And I know what you're doing,
and you will never get away with this!
You're the one with the reputation, pal.
- Meltdown man.
-No.
- Peeping Tom from around the way.
-No.
We are just trying to have
some good clean fun.
- Right, sister?
-That's right, Vikki.
Where are the rest of you?
Where's Constance?
- She's with Roger.
-Oh, shit!
Are you sure that you're ready for this?
- Definitely.
-Okay.
It's getting cold in there.
But it's getting nice.
Come to Papa.
That was something.
You were unbelievable.
I'm finally in the club?
It's a very unique club, but in the club.
- How long until...
-Three days.
Back off, bitch.
- Back off!
-Luke, it's cool, buddy.
Come on. Everybody's happy
when they're getting laid, man.
- What did you do to him?
-Nothing.
Look, we made love.
I really think
everything is gonna be okay this time.
Bullshit! Rodge, you okay?
- Oh, no.
-God. Rodge?
Don't even think about it.
Okay, buddy, hold on.
You're gonna be okay.
Holy shit, this hurts!
Luke, do you have that thing that...
Alex, call 911.
Call 911!
I am so sorry!
Oh, my God!
I love him.
Why don't you suck on this?
- We're almost there, buddy.
-What you done this time, Callahan?
- Hang on. Stay with me, okay?
-Okay.
- Family members only, kid.
-I am his family.
God, my legs are cold.
Here.
How's that?
Okay, just breathe, bro. Just breathe.
- Sirens. That's cool.
-Just like in the movies.
It'll be all right.
- Pumping and humping, huh, man?
-Right.
- I love you, Rodge.
-I believe you, man.
- No, Rodge.
-He's in V-tach! We gotta move!
Roger, you stay with me!
- Please don't leave me.
-Clear.
- Stay!
-Clear!
Please don't go!
He's gone.
Did you want to be alone?
I am alone.
Yo, Gibby, it's Luke.
Where the hell are you, man?
Some serious shit has gone down, okay?
I gotta talk to you as soon as possible.
Call me back on my cell.
- He's dead.
-What?
- I'm sorry.
-Let me take a wild-ass guess!
Frozen?
They clawed their way
out of Roger, Amanda.
Out of his freaking throat.
They're spreading like a goddamn sickness!
I want to help.
Well, it's better late than never.
Thank you, Melody.
This is off the hook.
We have come from great distances...
and have met challenges
that have tested each of us.
But tonight is a night of rebirth...
of the promise of a new tomorrow.
A holiday feast we will always treasure...
with our new friends from foreign lands.
Raise your glasses, everyone.
- Merry Christmas.
-Cheers.
Entertainment!
You!
He's alone.
Baby got backup.
That's it, ladies.
Show me your navels!
When I am done with you,
there won't be anything left to cry about.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Shit.
Natasha, this is for Gibby!
Belt of Orion?
I was telling you the truth.
I was.
Please don't do this, Luke.
- How's about the Belt of O'Fryin'!
-No!
Don't shoot! I'm from Rosedale!
Roger says hello!
Not good.
Don't shoot. She's mine!
We did it.
We saw it, you saw it.
- They're real.
-Yeah, real dead.
Thank you.
My God, Luke, are you okay?
Now I am.
You never gave up on me.
Never.
Yeah, never.
What the hell happened here, Callahan?
Why don't you ask them?
Tell us what you saw.
There were these reptilian alien women
everywhere. At first, they were hot.
Then they were not.
They showed their vicious claws
and attacked in the steam, man!
You heard it here first.
I'm Kelly Knoxville for WMAT, Action News.
All this time, and I never noticed.
Sometimes your destiny can be so close,
it's practically invisible.
- Your eyes are so beautiful.
-Because they're looking at you.
What the hell is going on?
You're early.
Oh, God.
No!
Nobody home.
Let's go.
Hello?
Let me get that for you.
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Hey, that looks pretty good.
Cool.
What the hell is going on?
Ice Queen, baby!
Damn it, Javane, you're such a knob.
Remind me to take art next semester.
You might get burned.
You make my teeth sweat, girl.
You think Melody knows I'm a virgin?
Actually? Yeah.
It's freezing in here.
Someone left the window open.
I can't stand frigging smokers.
It's bad enough we gotta do laundry.
I'm not doing it at 30 below.
Beer?
- I gotta slow down, man, okay?
-You can slow down when you're dead.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, I'm Lilly.
And this is my cousin, Constance.
Sorry. I have an oral fixation.
May I?
We transferred from Bayside.
Our room's right down the hall from yours.
Number 1021.
How come I haven't seen you guys
around before?
We're pre-med. Different schedules.
So, what's your major?
I have no idea. I'm a freshman.
How completely adorable.
You want a lick?
There's a sorority party
happening tomorrow...
-and I was thinking maybe--
-We know.
Cool.
Maybe.
See you later, fresh-man.
Hello?
- I think he's kind of cute.
-Sure, if you like Elijah Wood.
When was the last time you actually
had a conversation with a guy...
and he didn't get distracted
by your cleavage?
Look you in the eye? Not if he can help it.
Up-down, up-down. Hello? Focus.
I'm up here.
Men back home,
they don't care about the flash.
It's what's inside that counts.
The men at home are dead.
These boys are ripe for picking.
It's amazing, the power of a low-cut top.
L, for one, am positively exhausted.
There's so much to do with so little time.
Do you want to go to bed?
Oh, yeah.
Will you do it for me again?
You know I want to.
Thanks. Much better.
You're welcome.
Honey, let's go see what Natasha's up to.
All right, whatever.
Who the man? I'm the man
Who the man? I'm the man
Go, Roger, tell me what you want to see
Dude, there's something I've got to tell you.
Dude, you're always busting me
to get a date.
Yeah, I got one.
I just met the two...
finest women in the world.
Blonde goddesses.
Constance and her cousin Lilly.
Presenting the babe bookends.
The hotter one just invited me
to their sorority rush party tomorrow night.
- I'm so in!
-Those blondes that you met, Rodge?
There's something seriously bent
about them.
Yeah! These are women, baby. Hot!
Goodbye 2-D. Hello 3-D.
Dude, Lilly, her chest burst open.
And then these black fleshy snakes
start whipping around.
And I'm telling you,
she's standing there, euphoric.
Just drinking in the spray
from this trippy aerosol can.
Then Bigfoot showed up?
I'm telling you.
I know it sounds insane, but it happened.
Yeah, it has nothing to do
with the five beers you powered down.
I was not wasted.
Okay, I'm telling you though,
something is seriously--
Luke, it's all right.
I want you to calm down, okay?
I want you to breathe. Okay, that's good.
What about the spray can?
- What about it?
-it had this little periodic symbol on it.
What, you mean like Prince?
The little symbol?
No, it was N2. Alex, what is N2?
- Liquid Nitrogen.
-it's hairspray.
What happens if it gets in your skin?
It can cause cryogenic burning
and the instantaneous freezing of tissue.
Was there anything else?
I don't think they had navels.
If you think that you saw something, Luke,
I believe you.
Okay, I'm having a party
and it's in a place called reality.
You're both invited.
Please shut up.
Nobody calls me Nathan.
It's Gibby, all right?
Okay.
What if they came here to take over SJC?
Trust me, I don't think St. John's College
is on the big alien radar.
- If only I could get a good look at it.
-At what?
The opening between her breasts.
What? No...
Look, there's a Cronenberg festival
at the Cross River Cinema tonight.
So let's just blow off
this whole Animal House thing, okay?
I've gotta find the truth.
It is off the hook, yo!
Oh, my man. What's up, baby?
Natasha's thinking about rushing Pi Omega.
- You'll fit right in.
-Thanks.
- Hi, guys.
-Hey, Mel.
Everybody, shooters!
Okay. Don't they look weird to you?
Do you mean the fact that
they're incredibly beautiful, toned...
and don't need an airbrush?
Yes, they're not normal. They're obvious.
Here's hoping they're dumb as a post.
They're pre-med.
Of course they are.
Hi. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
No.
Want to get your groove on?
Sure.
Tick-tack.
I'm all yours.
Is that a fact?
"I'm all yours." "Is that a fact?"
Hey, you okay?
Sure, why wouldn't I be?
Well, you wanted to be one of the boys.
Now you are.
You're not helping, Melody.
How about a cocktail?
Good times.
Funniest thing.
What's that?
I forgot a roll of quarters
in the laundry room.
Quarters? Yeah?
And somehow they just seemed
to walk back to my room...
all by themselves.
Was it magic?
Or just a thoughtful neighbor?
Maybe.
Luke Callahan.
Where I'm from, we kiss hello.
Sisters, who are we?
Pi Beta Omega!
Pi Beta Omega!
Now, sisters and brothers,
it is my pleasure to introduce to you...
captain of the hockey team, Bobby Johnson!
Bobby, you rule!
Testing, testing.
"As this semester's Pi Guy...
"it gives me great pleasure...
"to name Pi Beta Omega's candidate...
"for Ice Queen.
"Pi Omega newbie, Miss Lilly Vincent!"
Fantastic!
Thanks, everybody, and thank you, Bobby.
I need a drink.
Give him a kiss!
Let's party!
- You asshole!
-Sorry.
- This is angora!
-I'm really sorry.
I am never, ever, gonna forgive you!
Like, never!
- Loser!
-I can't believe this.
The truth hurts, don't it?
Why don't you get your own date, asswipe?
Come on.
- My mouth.
-Ginny!
- I'm sorry.
-incoming!
I'm sorry.
Stop!
Get lost, you pussy.
- Where are you going, man?
-I'm out of here.
Luke, wait up.
She got under your skin in a hurry.
I've never seen you react like that.
Well, you're not her.
- What happened? Are you okay?
-I thought she was different.
Well, good thing
you guys didn't have any kids.
No, it's easier this way. No messy divorce.
Let's go for a drive.
I've got to clear my head.
Okay. Shotgun.
I'm gonna go get my cell phone.
- I'll meet you in the parking lot.
- Don't leave without me.
I'm loving you, buddy.
Occupied, friend.
Keep your pants on. Somebody's in here.
Hi.
How are you doing? I'm okay.
I'll be out in one second, okay?
Or not.
Clumsy.
It's hot in here.
Yes, it is rather hot.
And it's about to get hotter.
Oh, God, no. Oh, no!
You're crazy. You're nuts. Please stop.
Constance, what are you doing?
You're crazy.
Stop. Okay.
Come on.
Come on, Bobby. This way.
Now you're talking, baby.
No, stop.
What's the problem, my dear?
It's just... That's a crazy birthmark.
Climbing aboard Flight 69.
Southbound for the region of...
Hello? Who's in there? Damn it.
Look, Constance,
I don't know how to put this...
delicately.
You're a woman of a certain experience.
Hello? Who's in there?
Constance, could you just, just one...
Okay, gear down, big rig.
Look...
I'm a virgin.
Okay, look, it's...
I got a serious situation, you guys.
I just want my first time to be special,
you know?
Beautiful.
Romantic.
Not a rush job
on the floor of the Pi Omega shitter.
You really know how to talk to a woman.
- Come on, I'm dying out here!
-I want to have sex with you, Roger.
I don't want to frigging marry you. Move.
Oh, God.
Maybe it's just the battery.
That's the only new thing
on this piece of shit.
We don't have to go off campus to talk,
you know.
I know.
Look, sometimes women flirt
because they crave validation...
not because they want to get with you.
So you're saying Lilly is normal?
Take away the silicone, Botox,
and hair dye, yes.
She's just a girl.
Why get me so hot and bothered?
Sometimes it's genuine.
- What is it?
-I thought I heard...
It's nothing.
You know what? Forget it.
Let's call it. Game over.
Come on, give it up, baby. Come on.
Jesus, Rodge!
What?
Nothing.
That's the pepperoni.
Heard about your fight last night. Good.
Go for the kneecaps next time.
- There won't be a next time.
-That's what you said last time.
Dude, I'm not your mom or anything,
but shouldn't you go easy on the partying?
- Your heart could give out.
-Dude...
I've got these babies to keep it real, okay?
Don't you worry about it. It'll keep pumping,
and I'll do the humping, right?
What are we talking about?
- So?
-I'm still in the kiddie club.
No! What happened?
- I wanted to wait.
-For?
The right moment.
Man, you should go for it.
Really? Okay.
Hi, your attention, please.
All alien babes are free to roam
about the cabin. Feel free.
Funny.
You know, I don't really know
what I saw the other night.
When I was a kid, I believed
that something else existed, you know?
A unicorn in the forest,
a monster under the bed.
A hot alien with snake tits?
It probably was my imagination.
I was kind of hammered.
Hey, man, I'm sorry things didn't work out
with you and Lilly.
Whatever.
You get it.
Come in.
Luke Callahan?
- Amanda?
-Let's make this easy on both of us.
- Why didn't you call?
-Luke, I need you to come with me.
Detective Kirk needs to have
a few words with you.
Okay.
Give me a sec.
No way.
No way, you and her?
Mention it to anyone and you're a dead man.
Move those people back.
This is a crime scene, not a keg party.
You heard the man.
No indication of a struggle.
No obvious cause of death.
Anyone for a little ring toss?
Watts, take over.
- Holy shit!
-There's nothing holy about that shit.
Callahan, you come with me.
Come on, PUPPY-
I just saw him last night.
A couple of hours ago.
A lot of people saw him last night,
sports fan.
Bobby left the party with someone.
It looked like they were about to hook up.
Please, don't keep me in suspense.
Her name was Lilly Vincent.
Where were you last night, Luke?
- Me?
-Yeah.
I went to the party for a little while.
Then I wanted to go for a drive...
but it didn't happen.
Why did you leave?
I'd had enough.
- People said you were pretty upset.
-People?
Heard about a little shoving match, too.
- That was nothing.
-You hit girls a lot, do you?
- Of course not.
-Yeah.
Why don't we go someplace
and warm up a bit? Hop in, puppy.
Hey, move it!
Detective, I didn't kill Bobby.
But the other night,
I did see something that was unbelievable.
Unless it's your alibi,
I don't want to hear about it.
- No. You have to listen to me.
-No, you have to listen to me.
See, I got you hitting on Bobby's girlfriend,
picking a fight with the deceased...
clocking a co-ed...
leaving the party in a jealous rage...
and at the scene of the crime
at the estimated time of death.
Bingo!
Finally.
- How's business, Doc?
-it's dead. Competition's killing me.
Any Updates?
This is really fascinating.
- What's that?
-Bobby here has no sign of struggle...
no exterior markings, no poisons.
He has above-average blood-alcohol level,
but certainly not enough to trigger a coma.
Well, the expression on his face tells me
he must have felt something.
This is really baffling.
Bobby froze...
from the inside out.
Did you say "froze from the inside out"?
How do you figure that?
You take a piece of meat
and throw it out in the freezing cold...
the frost attacks the extremities,
and then it burrows through to the core.
Now our subject, his organs are rock solid.
But his exterior body temp was barely
below freezing when we found him.
No, Bobby's deep freeze started
from the inside out.
Anything else?
Excuse me.
There's evidence
that a hose was forced down his throat.
- A hose?
-Yeah, a beer bong.
It's a funnel connected to a hose.
It's a drinking game.
Kids today. Who the hell knows?
Right. In your opinion, Doc,
did this hose kill him?
No way. I've seen this kind of thing before.
Never like this.
Here, puppy-
Come on.
You're released, Callahan.
Great.
- Did you catch the killer?
-Yes...
and no.
The clean corpse at Arch Memorial
means you're free.
For now, PUPPY-
Bye-bye. PUPPY-
I'd bet my badge that kid did it.
And when I pin it on him, it'll be my ticket.
- This type of behavior will not be tolerated.
-I didn't do anything wrong.
We cannot be caught
with our guard down again, understand?
It looks bad for all of us.
"All of us"?
- Archer Memorial Hospital.
-You got it.
Jesus!
Holy shit!
Hello, dickhead!
You're really getting the hang of
this breaking and entering thing.
What's next, Luke? Liquor store?
Maybe a casino?
He had to have been there for hours,
and his body was still ice-cold.
That's because he was dead, genius.
- I broke his arm off. It snapped.
-That's nasty. Why did you have to do that?
They even had a diagram of a tentacle.
When is someone gonna do something?
Who made you C.S.I., New Brunswick?
I know what I saw.
Dude, you're delusional, okay?
Bobby got tanked, man.
He got tanked, he passed out
after a sub-zero lap dance, and that's it.
That's right.
She screwed him to death.
Got her bloodsucking hooks in him.
Hooks? Look, man. All right.
You said yourself,
the detective had nothing to go on, right?
Bobby was clean: no cuts, no scars,
no sucker burns, nothing.
Because she shoved them down his throat.
Or up his--
Luke, do you have any idea
how insane you sound?
Yes, thank you.
Anyway, Constance cleared her.
That's it. Game over.
- That's because she's one of them, too.
-Come on.
This has been an experience, but I gotta
bounce. I'm meeting Natasha at the G.S.U.
It's her Pi Beta rush meeting tonight...
so I'm about to Pi Beta rush.
You know what I'm saying?
Just be careful, man.
Okay.
- You know what I think?
-What's that?
I think this is all an elaborate plan
to screw up my evening.
What?
Yeah, man.
Tonight's the night, buddy, okay?
Constance and me. I've got a ticket to ride,
man, and ride I will.
I got some candles, I got some incense,
I even got some Lauryn Hill.
- This ain't about you.
-I know, that's the point. It's about you.
I finally find a girl, a hot girl,
who's interested in me...
and you can't stand the competition.
Pi Omega's all wrong, man.
I'm talking casa du Roger.
Boys, there has been a death on campus.
There's a slight possibility
Constance might not be up for some nookie.
Actually...
Constance feels that now, more than ever,
we should make love tonight...
seeing how delicate life is and everything.
Take the room, bro.
Yes! Okay.
This is great, man. Thanks.
Looks like I've got to find a place
to crash tonight.
Oh, God! Help me!
That kid gets under my skin.
So are you going to
that Ice Queen thing tonight?
I guess.
Do you want to go together?
How come you don't have a date?
There's someone I like,
but the timing's not right yet.
Who?
It doesn't matter.
So this guy know you like him, or...
I can't hold it in any longer.
The council had a secret vote.
- Guess what?
-What?
- You're in!
-Oh, my God!
She's so brave.
She a dime-and-a-half.
I'm like a deer in boob lights right now.
I'm saying, she got the ba dunk-a-dunk!
Let's go say hi, Nathan.
Whatever you say, baby.
- Sisters?
-Let's.
Something ain't right.
It is pretty hardcore.
Bobby dies yesterday
and she's out tonight in a red dress.
- I got a plan.
-To do what?
To finally uncover them
for who they truly are.
- Okay, what is it?
-Either you're in or you're out.
- Where did you get this?
-Bustyourbabysitter.com. Serious.
I need you to plant that
in the shower upstairs, okay?
- Right.
-it's not like that.
"Girls gone wild."
Lilly and Constance aren't normal, Alex.
Photos equal proof.
Forget it. I'll do it myself.
I said I was in. I'm in.
All right. Meet you in the dorm room, okay?
Girls?
Who's out there?
Damn, baby girl, where you taking me?
Someplace romantic.
Fo' shizzle! You in trouble, girl.
Okay. Open.
You sick, you know that, Natasha?
And I like it. Come here, girl.
Give me some sugar now.
- Come on in here, Nathan.
-I love it when you call me that, girl.
I like what you've done with this place.
What do you dream about?
Papi like.
You just bought yourself a shirt.
Proceed, baby.
Can you...
All right. Perfect.
We are good to go.
Casa du Roger.
Come on, they're gonna be alone,
unguarded. She's sure to pop.
And we're gonna be right down the hall.
- Let's get back.
-Yes.
How you doing? You've reached Gibby.
I can't come to the phone right now
'cause I'm all up in some business.
Come on now, girl.
You do me right, I'll buy you a house, baby.
I'll buy you a house
with a big-ass bathroom in it...
and you can have all sorts of perfumes
and they could all...
Girl, you are some kind of freak,
you know that?
What the hell?
What's happening? Somebody help me!
Help me!
Cold.
He's tanked.
Good luck, sister.
Those other girls don't stand a chance.
Baby, come on.
I'll have a vodka. Chilled.
- Make it a triple.
-All right.
That's what I'm talking about!
I am a marshmallow! I'm a cookie!
Dude, look...
you've got a long night ahead of you,
all right? Remember that.
You're right.
- Smarten up.
-Tonight's the night.
Luke, come here.
I love you, man.
AH right, listen up, everybody.
It is showtime!
And now, presenting this year's Ice Queen...
a woman who could cause
a global meltdown:
Miss Lilly Vincent!
Hi. I'd like to dedicate this crown
and this entire night...
to a guy who stole my heart
and took it with him to heaven.
Bobby Johnson, we miss you.
Could I have a moment of silence?
Pretty please?
Sweetie, you are no good to me like this.
Save your energy, okay?
See you tomorrow night.
Thank you.
Bobby, I know you're up there somewhere.
This is for you.
Hit it.
- Hey, big fellow.
-What?
Come here.
Hi, Alex.
- I brought you a balloon.
-It's pretty, like my kitty.
Don't even go there.
Roger's out of commission. I'm going in.
Just make sure everything is ready.
Alex, I know what I'm doing.
Just be there.
You smell like chicken.
- Congratulations.
-Thank you.
I like what you said about Bobby.
- That was nice.
-Thanks.
So, where did your cousin go?
I'm not her keeper.
You wanna get out of here?
- Sure.
-Good.
I lost him.
That string of three stars?
That's the belt of Orion.
What do you know about him?
Nothing.
He's the night sky's grandest figure.
He's the warrior, a hunter of prey.
Most people think of him as aggressive,
but I think he's misunderstood.
Must be tough,
getting a bad rap for a thousand years.
Have you ever felt isolated?
Like you just don't fit in?
Imagine getting dropped off here...
and not knowing a single soul
except your cousin...
who secretly resents anything good
that happens to you.
It's unreal.
I actually feel guilty
when I'm happy and she's not.
- That sucks.
-Yeah.
And she's the one with the boyfriend.
I'm all alone.
No.
You're not.
Luke, what are you doing?
I love fresh air.
So do I.
Here. Come on.
We're in business.
- This is so beautiful.
-So are you.
Holy shit!
Shit!
Oh, God! No!
- Did you see her?
-See what?
The computer.
I don't know what happened,
but the computer freaked out.
Let me see.
- She saw the camera.
-I know.
It's the Loch Ness monster at best.
You see anything?
Damn it.
What about the shower cam? Punch that up.
See? Look at that. There.
Did you see that? Right there.
That mark on her chest?
I mean, they're everywhere.
They've come to the Earth to kill us all.
These women have the right
to live their lives...
without some pervert
putting cameras in their freaking showers.
There are laws protecting privacy, son,
and I'm sure you've broken all of them.
- I needed proof!
-Proof?
You need proof?
All this proves to me
is that you're demented.
And don't you think that
you've fallen off my murder suspect list, pal.
This incident has just given you
a promotion to the top of the heap.
- Kirk? You called?
-Get him out of my sight.
Move it!
You gonna walk me all the way home?
- Luke, listen--
-No, look, you listen.
Things have been
totally whacked out lately...
but I know one thing is true.
You cut me loose
without even saying goodbye.
Say something.
I don't believe you're a murderer.
Is that enough?
Not even close.
It's so cold, my ass is frozen shut.
- Are you sure you don't want my jacket?
-I'm sure.
Lick? It's Chunky Monkey.
No thanks. I probably wouldn't be able
to keep it down anyway.
Suit yourself.
I'm sorry I passed out on you last night.
Well, everything did kind of go limp
for me after that.
What a crazy coincidence.
I must say, though,
the evening wasn't the same without you.
But I made the best of it.
This is my stop.
So, I'll meet you after the Bio final.
The countdown's begun.
- Bye.
-Bye.
Where the hell is everybody?
How you doing? You've reached Gibby.
I can't come to the phone right now
'cause Fm all up in some business.
What's happening?
-It was right in front of me the whole time.
-What was?
They love the cold, right?
And the heat is their weakness.
Those candles totally freaked out Lilly.
She went ballistic and started to change.
- You heard it at least, right?
-Honestly, I didn't.
Of course not, why would you?
I'm sorry, it was dark in the monitor.
I was disoriented.
I'm trying, Luke!
Welcome to my life.
I'm a punch line at the alien roundtable.
Hey, buddy.
Thanks for the campfire last night.
Lilly really digs her new third-degree burns.
What are you doing, man? That's my shit.
I'm looking for something. Anything.
She must have shed or something.
She had scales and a black liquid.
Knock it off, man. What gives you the right
to do this? Come on.
I'm solo on this witch-hunt
and nothing is gonna stand in my way!
Come on.
Over the line, bucko. You touched my porn.
Luke, calm down.
Will you look at yourself, man?
Last week, it was all about PS2
and doing bong hits. This week:
cameras, conspiracies,
and ass-kicking aliens from Hooter planet.
I got one word for you, dude: issues.
Do me a favor, Luke.
Why don't you go out, find someone
10 years older than you, maximum...
go and get laid.
Screw you.
Nice.
I have a confession to make.
I already know you're a virgin, baby.
No, it's not that.
Wait.
I really like you.
You're smart...
focused...
not to mention incredibly fine.
You are not so bad yourself.
But honesty is the foundation...
on which every successful relationship
is built, right?
Did you have a lot of sisters growing up
or something?
It's just that...
I don't want us to hide anything from
each other, especially if we're gonna be...
intimate.
- -Okay
-Okay?
It's just that...
Luke thinks that you're a killer.
A killer babe?
A killer alien...
-from outer space.
-What?
He thinks that you and Lilly
have already toasted a bunch of guys...
and that you're part of some hottie
invasion force from hell or something.
I know it sounds super stupid, believe me.
It's just that I wanted to...
I wanna clear the air between us
before we make love.
No secrets, okay? Full disclosure.
I wasn't supposed to have feelings
about this.
About what?
About you.
I've never met anyone like you, Roger.
- You say it like it's a bad thing.
-it is.
Because everything you've said
about Lilly and I...
is true.
Wait a minute.
You gotta be kidding me.
You're a serial killer from outer space?
I knew that I couldn't go through with it.
Not with you, Roger.
I mean, the others,
they were one step away from date rape.
- And Bobby, who was gonna miss him?
-His parents?
He beat his last girlfriend
within an inch of her life.
- Still.
-We're not murderers!
My sisters and I have come here
out of desperation.
We needed a new frozen planet
with an abundant supply of male DNA...
to save our species.
Okay.
Why? Why us? Why here?
Why St. John's College?
We found this college
on your wireless Internet...
and we were particularly attracted to this.
IceQueen.ca?
Our scout came here two years ago
to prepare...
and she confirmed
what your website advertised:
ice-cold hormones.
What was left of our female race
started to arrive six weeks ago.
In Canada.
People are awfully nice.
Yeah, except your victims.
Getting the incubation temperature
just right has been a little bit tricky.
The truth is if you and I
were to make love tonight...
you would almost certainly die.
Sure takes the edge off getting laid.
We are getting closer with each host.
I mean, we're adapting.
I must be the first breeder.
What if...
What if I'm the first guy it works on?
I could be an alien dad or something.
That'd be kind of cool.
Although it would be the highest honor
imaginable to be the first one to spawn...
I will not take that chance with you.
Let's wait.
That should hold them.
I'm just an innocent sorority girl
trying to get a B in Physics.
That's crap and you know it.
Okay, Lilly?
You're gonna spill.
Now.
Luke, you're scaring me.
You hear that?
That's the sound of good old H20...
reaching a cruising altitude
of 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Kind of gets under your skin...
doesn't it?
Please don't do this!
Can I see it?
What?
Your...
No.
I don't think it's a good idea.
It's all about trust, right?
Where's your bellybutton?
Give me your hand.
Next time, I'm gonna supersize my fire.
It's okay.
I'm going to start
with a simple question, okay?
What do you
and the intergalactic bikini team want?
World domination...
one dick at a time?
I don't know what you're talking about!
Please let me go.
Please?
How do you like your alien, Luke?
Medium rare, thanks.
What the hell is going on down here?
I know who you are!
And I know what you're doing,
and you will never get away with this!
You're the one with the reputation, pal.
- Meltdown man.
-No.
- Peeping Tom from around the way.
-No.
We are just trying to have
some good clean fun.
- Right, sister?
-That's right, Vikki.
Where are the rest of you?
Where's Constance?
- She's with Roger.
-Oh, shit!
Are you sure that you're ready for this?
- Definitely.
-Okay.
It's getting cold in there.
But it's getting nice.
Come to Papa.
That was something.
You were unbelievable.
I'm finally in the club?
It's a very unique club, but in the club.
- How long until...
-Three days.
Back off, bitch.
- Back off!
-Luke, it's cool, buddy.
Come on. Everybody's happy
when they're getting laid, man.
- What did you do to him?
-Nothing.
Look, we made love.
I really think
everything is gonna be okay this time.
Bullshit! Rodge, you okay?
- Oh, no.
-God. Rodge?
Don't even think about it.
Okay, buddy, hold on.
You're gonna be okay.
Holy shit, this hurts!
Luke, do you have that thing that...
Alex, call 911.
Call 911!
I am so sorry!
Oh, my God!
I love him.
Why don't you suck on this?
- We're almost there, buddy.
-What you done this time, Callahan?
- Hang on. Stay with me, okay?
-Okay.
- Family members only, kid.
-I am his family.
God, my legs are cold.
Here.
How's that?
Okay, just breathe, bro. Just breathe.
- Sirens. That's cool.
-Just like in the movies.
It'll be all right.
- Pumping and humping, huh, man?
-Right.
- I love you, Rodge.
-I believe you, man.
- No, Rodge.
-He's in V-tach! We gotta move!
Roger, you stay with me!
- Please don't leave me.
-Clear.
- Stay!
-Clear!
Please don't go!
He's gone.
Did you want to be alone?
I am alone.
Yo, Gibby, it's Luke.
Where the hell are you, man?
Some serious shit has gone down, okay?
I gotta talk to you as soon as possible.
Call me back on my cell.
- He's dead.
-What?
- I'm sorry.
-Let me take a wild-ass guess!
Frozen?
They clawed their way
out of Roger, Amanda.
Out of his freaking throat.
They're spreading like a goddamn sickness!
I want to help.
Well, it's better late than never.
Thank you, Melody.
This is off the hook.
We have come from great distances...
and have met challenges
that have tested each of us.
But tonight is a night of rebirth...
of the promise of a new tomorrow.
A holiday feast we will always treasure...
with our new friends from foreign lands.
Raise your glasses, everyone.
- Merry Christmas.
-Cheers.
Entertainment!
You!
He's alone.
Baby got backup.
That's it, ladies.
Show me your navels!
When I am done with you,
there won't be anything left to cry about.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Shit.
Natasha, this is for Gibby!
Belt of Orion?
I was telling you the truth.
I was.
Please don't do this, Luke.
- How's about the Belt of O'Fryin'!
-No!
Don't shoot! I'm from Rosedale!
Roger says hello!
Not good.
Don't shoot. She's mine!
We did it.
We saw it, you saw it.
- They're real.
-Yeah, real dead.
Thank you.
My God, Luke, are you okay?
Now I am.
You never gave up on me.
Never.
Yeah, never.
What the hell happened here, Callahan?
Why don't you ask them?
Tell us what you saw.
There were these reptilian alien women
everywhere. At first, they were hot.
Then they were not.
They showed their vicious claws
and attacked in the steam, man!
You heard it here first.
I'm Kelly Knoxville for WMAT, Action News.
All this time, and I never noticed.
Sometimes your destiny can be so close,
it's practically invisible.
- Your eyes are so beautiful.
-Because they're looking at you.
What the hell is going on?
You're early.
Oh, God.
No!