Dirty 30 (2016) Movie Script

- So, Richard.
- Yeah?
- Your profile picture
looked a little different,
I got to say.
- Oh, very good eye.
Good eye, my lady.
Yes, that picture is,
in fact, Nathan Fillion
from television's "firefly,"
but everyone's always
saying how we're doppelgangers
and we look exactly alike,
so I just kind of let it ride.
- People tell you that?
- Yeah.
Yeah, my mom.
- Anybody else?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- Hi.
How are you two tonight?
- Hi.
- Are you the chef?
- I am the waitress.
- Very cool.
- Yeah, so what can I get you?
- I'll start?
- Sure.
- I am gonna do
a white Russian to drink.
You know what?
Let's make it a double.
Or do you do bottle service?
- Not really.
- Okay, well, then I'll take
a triple white Russian,
and I'm also gonna do
the eggplant Parmesan
but with vodka sauce,
if I could.
Maybe an extra shot in there
or something.
- Okay, thank you.
And for you?
- I will have the, um...
I'm gonna stick with the water
and I will have two
complimentary bread baskets,
Unless you wanted to, uh...
- Oh, no, I'm all set.
- Make it three?
- Okay, great.
Be right back.
Both: Whoo!
- Yep.
So I think your profile said
you work in
the film industry, right?
- It does say that.
- Yeah.
That's cool.
- Yeah.
- That's interesting.
- I work at take two video.
I'm the manager over there.
We are actually the last store
in the country
that still rents VHS tapes.
- Cool.
- And you work with teeth?
- I do.
I am a orthodontist assistant.
- Fascinating,
because I actually have
a bit of an issue.
I... I've had this weird thing
in my mouth for, like,
18 months for so, and I think
it might be a popcorn kernel,
but I haven't been to a movie
in, like, years.
- We're gonna do this?
- It feels like a kernel,
but it could also be ham.
It smells like ham.
- Yeah.
- It does, right?
- Yeah.
- So maybe it's ham.
I ask because if it is ham
and it's hardened in there,
at what point does it just
become a tooth
and do I start treating it
like a tooth?
- Hey, Karen, it's Kate.
I am following up about fondue
night on the 12th.
My place, 7:00.
What do you say?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
We will do it another time.
Hey, it's Kate fields.
I saw that you're coming
to knitting club on Monday.
Oh, really?
Oh, I thought you said you were
attending on Facebook.
That's a bummer.
Hey, I'm just calling to make
sure that you and Ellen
actually read the book
for this week.
Yeah, no, "great expectations"
isn't that great.
Well, it doesn't matter.
You want to just come hang out
or something?
Totally get it.
Hey, it's Kate.
Hey, I'm just calling
to get a final headcount
for the dinner party
next Friday.
No problem.
We'll do it another time.
Okay, but if you guys already
have plans, then don't...
- we'll cancel them!
Consider them canceled.
Both: Taco Tuesday,
taco Tuesday,
taco Tuesday!
- I don't understand
how you just do raw onions.
- They're good for you.
- Oh, hey!
Guys, I was thinking.
For Saturday, what do you guys
think about either fondue
or medieval times?
- I can't do fondue, Kate.
I am lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, and I'm
theme restaurant intolerant.
- All right, no worries.
Just yelp said they're fun
for birthdays, so...
- Mm.
- You bitches forgot
my birthday!
- What?
- Yeah!
- Hey, does anybody
need a refill?
Or, like,
maybe two new best friends?
'Cause we are the worst.
- No, no, no, no.
I, um, I didn't forget.
I was going to surprise you,
so you ruined it.
- Evie, what day is my birthday?
- Fri...
- s...
Both: Saturday.
- Fri-Saturday?
- I was saying, "for Saturday."
I had something planned
for Saturday,
but I should just cancel it now
because classic Kate found out.
- Good 'cause it's not
a big deal.
- Kate fields.
It's your 30th birthday!
- Yes, and I don't want to make
a big deal about it.
- No, let's make a big deal.
Let's have a party!
Yes, please!
Please let us throw you a party.
Please, please, please.
It's what I do.
- Mm, no thank you,
but if you insist on going out,
I'll break out this bad boy.
Red lobster, baby!
25 big ones,
courtesy of aunt Meryl, who...
- Oh, yeah.
- Is a freak.
- Wow.
Well, I'll get excited
if there's that
cheesecake factory gift card
in here.
- I think there is,
but I used it.
- What is this?
It's from Lincoln high.
- I don't know.
They probably want money.
Are we old enough that schools
want money from us now?
- I think you are, technically.
- Oh, okay.
That's how it's gonna be.
- Shut the front door!
- What?
Did I not graduate?
- No, okay, um...
Do you remember in... i think it
was sophomore English
when Mr. Robbins had us
write letters
to our 30-year-old selves?
- Vaguely.
- Yeah, well, uh,
he actually mails them.
- Oh, my god.
- Stop it.
- Please read it.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
We're really doing this, huh?
- "Dear 30-year-old Kate."
- Oh, wow.
You dot your "I" s
with little stars.
That's precious.
- "Hey, Kate.
"Congrats on surviving till 30.
You go, girl!"
- "You go, girl"?
- It was the early 2000s.
And "you go, girl" is timeless.
Come on.
- That's debatable.
"You will be
a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice."
- Cool.
Teenage me's already 0 for 1.
- "There will be a little one
to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven."
- I don't even use my oven.
Literally or metaphorically.
- "You will have the greatest
guy in the world.
"He'll be handsome and sweet
and funny.
"I have no doubt you will have
the most incredible life.
I'll see you then."
- Yeah, that last line
was pretty creepy.
- "Enjoy your
30th b-day blowout bash, Kate.
I'm sure it will be a night
to remember."
Your 16-year-old self
wanted a party, so please.
- Absolutely not.
In fact, I'm gonna go on record
right now and say that we're not
doing anything for my birthday,
so you guys make other plans.
Oh, there's a p.S.
"P.S. Ashley Driscoll
can eat shit."
- Oh, Ashley Driscoll.
- You know, on my first day
at Lincoln high,
Ashley Driscoll told me
my bowl cut looked like
a turtle was sitting on my head,
and then she threw lettuce
at me.
- Well, you still have
a bowl cut,
but it's an edgier bowl cut.
- There's a bowl cut
in my heart.
- She called me a theaturd.
- What is that?
- It's a combination
of the word "theater"
and the word "turd."
- Yeah, she was a bitch,
but she dated Peter Finch.
Peter Finch was so hot.
- Oh, that's my ride.
Did you still want us
to drop you off?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I should go.
Todd hates it when I'm late.
- All right.
Well, I'll see you guys later.
- I'll see you this weekend at
the party...
Both: Party, party, party,
party, party, party.
Yeah, I can't do it.
- That was wet.
- Sorry.
So I can throw you
a party, right?
- Nope.
- Got it.
- Have fun with the dishes.
- Our gift to you.
- Hey, Kate.
Congrats on surviving till 30.
You go, girl.
You will be
a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice.
There will be a little one
to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven.
You'll have the greatest guy
in the world.
He'll be handsome and sweet
and funny.
You will have the most
incredible life.
I'll see you then.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you.
My card wasn't working.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't let you
into the building.
- What?
- I have no proof
that you work here.
- No, I have a card.
- But it doesn't work,
so could be a fake.
I'm sorry.
- Are you Ashley Driscoll?
- Yes.
If you want to schedule
an appointment,
you can call my office.
- No, um, it's Kate fields.
From Lincoln high.
- Braceface!
- Oh, my god!
Look at you.
You look, you know,
so much older.
- Thanks.
I did not know you worked
in the building.
- Yeah.
My real estate business
got too big for my old office,
so now I have
the whole top floor.
I feel like Oprah.
- Whole floor?
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
- Anyway,
it was good to see you.
- You too.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I still can't let you
in the building.
- Are you serious?
- It's building policy.
You have to have a working card.
It opens in 20 minutes though.
Anyway, it was really good
to see you.
Don't be a stranger.
- So how did the date go?
How was your date
the other night?
- It's just that usually
there's a kid's menu.
- Kate.
- Can't do crunchy stuff
'cause of the ham tooth.
- Yeah.
Ham tooth.
- Sop it down.
Get it soggy.
- Oh, well, that's a...
That's a interesting ring
you have there.
- Oh, very perceptive of you,
my lady.
Very good.
Um, on the weekends, I go goth.
- I'm sorry?
- On the weekends, I go goth.
- Goth.
- Goth.
- Goth?
- I go goth.
- People still go goth?
- Oh, yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I host a rave
in my mom's basement, like,
every second Saturday.
Full goth.
Full goth.
I know that Richard
may seem to be milquetoast
and boring and plain,
but on the weekends,
he hatches into raven.
- Raven.
- Raven?
- A little more roundness to it.
Should feel like, "raven."
- Little bit more bass in there.
- That's as low as I can go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Is that gonna be a problem
for you?
- No.
- Well,
because that is my social life,
and a lot of people
get intimidated
because it's so cool...
- Oh, god, no.
- Great!
Because this is going
fabulously, so if you're okay...
- okay, no.
Richard, really quick...
- yeah?
- Okay, I'm sorry, raven.
- Yeah.
My ex-boyfriend just walked
through the door.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So I'm just gonna excuse myself.
- Say no more.
You want to make him
really jealous.
- No, that's not at all
what I want.
- Coming in to touch
the shoulder.
- Nope.
- Touch the shoulder.
- Nope.
- Permission to touch...
- Nope.
- Okay, wow.
Whoa, saucy lady.
Oh, you really
want to make him jealous.
It's our anniversary.
Not a big deal.
Hey, listen.
I think he's gone.
He took her to the patio, so...
- What?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- He took her to the patio,
so I think you're in the clear.
- He's gone?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- Whoa.
That was awesome!
Look, so, uh...
I don't feel like I really get
along with most people in life.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- But the thing is,
I do feel like
you and I are on the exact...
Same exact wavelength, so...
You're getting another date.
- Nope.
You're supposed to ask me
if I want another date.
You don't just tell me,
you know?
- Mm, my litmus test is like,
"what would Nathan Fillion do?"
And would Nathan Fillion
ask politely, or would he say...
- you know what?
I think he would.
- Would he?
- Yeah, he seems like
a really nice guy.
- Look, I don't know.
I'm just his doppelganger, so...
- uh, debatable.
- Fridays are no good for me
because those
are my falconry Fridays
where I play with my falcons.
Saturday is d, d&d Saturday.
The third d, of course, for...
- Drinking?
- Domino's.
- Got it.
- Every single Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, however,
until 2019, wide open.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Thank you, chef.
I like to tell them
it's my birthday
for the free cake.
- Gauze.
- Hmm?
- Gauze.
- Oh.
- You almost choked on
your own blood, but don't worry.
We got you.
- Sparkling grape juice
just in case there's a miracle
brewing in there.
- Todd, I'm proud of you.
As of today, Todd was promoted
to vice president
of paralegal management
at Jones and associates.
All right.
- Hear, hear!
All: Hear.
- Oh, that's real crystal.
- Mmm.
I have an idea.
Why don't we all head up to
the mountain house this weekend
to do some celebratory skiing?
- Yes.
Yes, I've been wanting to break
out my new Fischer XCS.
Hunter at work is so jealous.
I can't wait to test
those puppies out on the powder.
- Babe, it's Kate's birthday
this weekend.
- Evie, how often do I get
a promotion?
- Every six months.
It's your dad's company.
- Exactly, so just try to be
a little bit more considerate.
- So, Evie, how is
the fundraising coming along?
You know, for the bald...
- Alpacas with alopecia.
- Oh, is... is that a thing?
- Yeah, apparently.
Yeah, I had no idea either,
but they called me.
And, actually, I have already
raised over half of their goal.
Hear, hear.
- Well, I think
it's very important
for housewives
to keep their hobbies.
- Oh, it pays.
Because it's my job, so it pays.
- Oh.
- Lay off, mom.
If Evie wants to make
a little extra spending money,
who am I to stop her?
Even though I've offered.
Male announcer: So grab
a friend and make some plans.
Cabins are filling up fast.
Michiana, exit 212.
- Are you ready to get real
about real estate?
- Oh, my god.
- Hi, I'm Ashley Driscoll
and I'm here to make
your dreams a reality.
Let's raise the roof
on finding you an ideal home.
You know, lots of realtors
think they can help you
find a great house,
but I'm here...
- Throw me a party.
- Seriously?
- Yep.
Let's check one thing
off that letter.
Throw me a damn party.
- I'll make t-shirts!
- No, no.
Nothing crazy.
Let's keep it super casual.
Evie, do you even have time
to throw this so last minute?
- Sorry, I blacked out
from excitement.
Kate, of course!
I once put together the Alpha
sigma tiki mixer in two hours
complete with a full
roasted pig.
- All right, well, seriously,
keep it very small.
Classy, even,
and Charlie, I'm counting on you
to keep Evie in line.
- Never do.
- Okay.
I will put it in my calendar.
This is gonna be really fun.
- I think I just found us
a venue.
- Go team!
Morning, sunshine.
- Mm.
- Looks like one of us
had some fun last night.
You got a pair of panties
in your front pocket.
- Oh, they're my spare pair.
We are starting off
fixing a snapped wire
on a permanent retainer,
then there's an extraction
of Kelly Grossman's back molar.
I know.
Two braces checkups
and retainer fitting finale.
You look like the Grinch.
- Dan is our first client.
- And?
- Well, he's cute.
I think you should invite him
to your party.
- I can't invite a patient
to my party.
- Why not?
- Uh, because one of us has to
keep a level of professionalism
around here.
- Oh, come on.
It's one pair of panties.
These are not my panties.
- So, Dan, are you
still a little nervous
when it comes to
the dental stuff?
- Oh, no.
I think you're confusing me
with somebody else.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna need
my arm back to work.
- Oh.
- It's okay.
- Okay, Dan.
So it says here
that we are giving you
a new front grille that says
"ass" and "shaker."
- Oh, no.
I, uh...
- I'm just kidding.
I'm fixing the wire
on that broken retainer.
- Right.
- Relax.
- All right, I've got good news
and bad news for you.
The good news is that
this is not gonna hurt at all,
so you don't even need
an anesthetic,
but the bad news is that
Jules has no medical moral code,
so she's gonna let me
gas you up.
- Yeah, let's party.
- All right.
Take a deep breath.
Thank you.
Yeah, I don't know why I got
so nervous there.
I mean, normally
I'm extremely macho and tough.
- Mm.
No, but seriously.
I'm not even afraid of spiders.
- Hm.
- I mean, snakes, however,
they can suck a duck.
- I'm sorry,
that was not very chivalrous.
That's a funny word.
- Maybe I should use
that nitrous as my plus one
to your birthday.
- I don't know.
I heard he's pretty gassy.
- Oh, you found your audience.
- It's your birthday?
Happy birthday!
- Thank you.
- Oh, you should come
to her birthday tomorrow.
- Oh, I would love to!
Wait, how do I get there?
- Do you have a car?
- I do!
I can drive there.
- You are a drug dealer.
- Yeah, I know.
- Evie, let's go!
You can put your face on
in the car.
- Oh.
Sorry, guys.
It's work drama.
Hey, Linda.
Just about to roll out for
the weekend with the family.
What's up?
Whoa, Linda, I can't understand
you when you're talking so fast.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
He's gonna be okay, right?
What do you mean
you can't find him?
- Oh, I get it.
We're lying.
- Yes!
Of course!
I will be right there.
Yes, I will be there in person.
- Yeah, big old lie.
Sounds fun.
- Okay.
Oh, my god.
I'm... I'm so sorry, you guys.
I can't go.
Elliot is missing.
- Who's Elliot?
- He's the face
of the alopecia campaign.
- So he's a llama?
- No, Todd, he's an alpaca.
Look, I am so sorry.
I was really looking forward
to going cross-country skiing
with the skis and the knees.
- It's okay, honey.
I'll just cancel
the private lesson
I set up for you
with the bronze medalist.
Let me just make sure I can
cancel his flight from Norway.
Airlines are so great
to deal with.
I knew this was gonna happen.
I just had the sense
that she would...
- are you seriously
not gonna come?
- Work needs me.
- What?
What is that?
- It's just I want a wife
who will celebrate my victories
with me, but instead I have one
who's running all over town
looking for a loose llama.
- Alpaca.
- Sh-paca.
Just give me a kiss
so my parents don't think
that we're fighting.
Behave yourself.
No, no, no, no.
Those jell-o shots,
they go in the kitchen.
And the kegs,
they go in the man cave.
And that... that liquor luge,
just wherever it fits!
- Hi.
- Oh.
Are you selling
girl scout cookies?
- No, I bring in the mail
for the Jones
when they're out of town, so...
- Oh, cool.
Well, I'm their son's wife,
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna be staying here
this weekend.
- Cool.
- Yeah, just throwing a little
get together for a friend.
30-year-old birthday party.
You wouldn't know anything
about that, right?
You're what, college?
- High... high school.
- High school.
High school.
- High school.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it's very low-key.
You know, small.
Nothing that the Jones
would need to know
or be worried about, so...
- Cool.
- Okay, you can invite
two friends
if you don't say anything
about it.
- I don't know
if I'd have two friends...
- five.
Five friends, but that's it.
And it doesn't leave this house.
You got it?
- What just happened?
- Exactly.
- Do you still want me to...
- yes, thank you.
Right there is great.
And can I get six jell-o shots
upstairs please?
Just orange.
- I stayed up all night
doing these.
- Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm paying you
time and a half.
- Rufus, what the hell?
- "Partee tyme."
- I'm, like, 70% sure that's not
how you spell "party" or "time."
- Okay, I just thought, like,
"hey, who wants to wear a shirt
that's spelled correctly,"
you know?
We live in the digital age.
Spelling is, like, subjective.
You know?
Okay, I did these last night
after a guidance counselors
I was super drunk.
- Dude, can't keep messing up
like this.
I mean, remember last week
with the all saints softball
shirts you ruined?
I changed my band name
to the all taints.
We sold out!
- I know, it's an awesome shirt,
but that's not the point.
You know, this business,
this is my passion.
I just need to know that, like,
you're in my corner.
- I am in your corner.
Any corner.
Pick a corner.
I'm in that corner.
- It's in three hours!
Are you kidding me?
Ugh, fine.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I know that Kate
wanted some classy stuff,
so I ordered one of those naked
Sushi girls for the party.
- I'm still waiting
on the classy part.
- But she canceled just now.
- Hey, lady.
I'm headed your way.
- On your way?
It's, like, 6:00.
What are you, in seventh grade?
- Well, I don't know.
I thought I could help.
- What?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We have everything
under control.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna grab
a coffee.
Do you want me
to pick anything up?
- I don't know.
- You didn't get milk
for my white Russian?
- I forgot to put that
on the catering list.
- Caterers?
Evie, this is supposed
to be small.
- It's gonna be!
Very small.
Small food, small drinks,
small caterers.
This party is gonna be so small
that you'll hardly see it.
- Okay, well, I'm headed over.
- Great!
Okay, people, double time!
Red eagle lands in one hour!
- Looking good, ash.
- Hey.
Could you get me something
to eat?
- Yeah, of course.
What do you want?
- Great.
Let me get a cup of coffee
and then barbecue lay's,
and then, like, a apple,
and then something savory,
but you can choose.
- Anything else?
- Two crullers,
a pack of cigars,
maybe, like, a king size
whatchamacallit bar,
some gummy bears, and then...
Get yourself something.
That's stupid.
Oh, my god.
It's actually happening!
- What's happening?
Hey, what the heck are you doing
with a picture of my girlfriend
on your computer?
- Mom!
- Oh, widdle baby
wants to talk to his mom.
Tough luck 'cause she just left
to buy me some more
push-up pops.
What is the deal
with this party?
My invite must've got lost
in the mail.
- It's an email, so...
- I don't think mom
would approve of you
going to a party with alcohol,
would she?
Unless, of course, you brought
your big brother as a chaperone.
- Fine.
- Perfect.
Pick me up at 8:00?
- You... you live here.
- All right, you just keep
doing that, buddy.
- Oh, yeah.
Yo, kiss me back.
Kiss me back.
- There she is!
The birthday girl!
Give me your purse.
- Hi!
Um, Evie, I think I said
small and tasteful.
- Kate, small and tasteful is
how you describe an Olsen twin,
not an awesome
b-day blowout bash.
- Who are all these people?
- Oh, my god, Rufus.
The sign too?
- What is happening,
you crazy idiots?
Next song, "pumpkin goats"!
- Okay, so I tried to get you
one of those naked girls
that's covered in sashimi,
but she canceled!
- Thank god.
- So I improvised!
- A crotch covered
in mini pizzas.
You shouldn't have, Evie.
- She really shouldn't have.
- Here we have Rufus wearing
the season's hottest snacks.
Perfect for an Autumn wedding
or to stuff our faces with later
when we're drunk.
- Did you get in trouble
at the shop again?
- It was worth it.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you!
- Oh, let me show you
the kitchen!
- Okay.
Excuse me.
- Do you have any Rihanna?
- No!
- Beyonc?
- No!
Baha men?
- Oh, "who let the dogs out"!
No, no.
I hold them in the kennel
and then I play beats!
- And the kitchen!
- Oh, wow.
What's going on here?
- Take that cake!
- It's funnel caking.
You funnel a beer
and then you eat cake.
Kate, you got to get out more.
- Apparently.
- Happy birthday, Kate!
- Oh, hey, Claire!
- In honor of me finally
not being the only one
in the 30s club,
I'd like to propose a toast.
To Evie for organizing
one hell of a party.
- Thank you.
I did.
- And to Charlie
for having friends
that I don't have to pretend
to like.
- Yep.
- And to Kate.
- Well, thank you.
- Cheers!
- Down the hatch.
- Ah!
- Whoo!
- Okay, now let's go see who
can funnel a cake the fastest.
- After Kate goes first!
- I'm terrified.
- Yes!
- Great!
- When aren't you?
Let's go!
Peer pressure.
Peer pressure!
- Pace yourself, show off.
I know you're excited,
but I don't want
competitive Charlie coming out.
Whenever she shows up, it always
means a horrible night for me.
- I am pacing myself.
- Promise?
- Yeah.
You wore it?
- Oh, relax.
No one's gonna notice it.
I couldn't bring myself
to take it off.
This thing is amazing.
- I know.
It is amazing.
- Can we afford it?
- Hmm?
- What, financially?
But we can afford to be happy.
Could you go check
on Rufus for me?
- Oh, sure.
He might be cold.
- Yeah.
- You chill with your friends.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Oh.
Hide it!
- Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!
- Oh.
- Oh, my god!
- That is terrible.
- Okay, you guys,
remember how we were reminiscing
about the glory days?
- Hold on.
When were our glory days?
- High school.
- Okay, if high school
were our glory days,
just take me out back
and do an old yeller.
- Very cute.
No, I thought it would be really
fun to invite some of the people
that we went to high school
with tonight.
So I got a yes
from Leslie marks...
- Oh.
- And from Kelly Evans,
and I got a maybe from...
Are you ready for this?
Ben Jenkins.
- Ben Jenkins?
Why would you invite an ex
from high school?
- What?
We're all adults.
Get real.
Look, I just think
it's really fun
to see some of the people
from our past,
something I hope that you...
- What?
- Guess who.
- Um... someone who recently
ate ham?
- Ah!
- Oh!
Peter Finch!
Look at you.
- Yeah, Evie found me
on Facebook.
Made sure I got an invite.
- Thanks, Evie.
- You're welcome.
- So, uh, what have you been
up to the past decade?
- All sorts of different stuff.
Watching football,
fantasy football,
been coaching some football
over in Jefferson county,
but I just moved back because...
Hold onto your panties...
I'm the new sports director
at Lincoln high!
Thank you for the warning.
My panties could've been all...
- Did she just skeet shoot
her panties?
- I did indeed.
- Straight up.
You were always so smart.
I'm sure you're doing all sorts
of cool things with your life.
- Um, you know,
lots of cool things.
Keeping really busy.
- Hey, I got a quick question
about that sports director
Um, who makes the uniforms
for Lincoln high?
I think that's
Eastside trophy & print.
- Got it.
- Straight up, Kate,
you look fine.
You haven't changed a bit
since high school.
- Thank you.
You look good too.
- Hell yeah.
- Okay, I'm gonna go clean up
the funnel cake mess, so...
- Yeah, go do that.
- So glad you're here!
It's so good to see you!
- Peace, girl.
- So, I'm...
- straight up.
You look fine.
You haven't changed a bit
since high school.
Did you go to Lincoln high?
- Yeah, I was a grade under you.
- I don't think so.
I'd remember
if you were ever under me.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go get Kate
some new panties.
- Yeah, sounds good.
- Peace, girl.
- Straight up.
- Panties.
- Hell yeah.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.
What you doing?
Sitting here all by yourself
being overly dramatic?
Just waiting for us
to come find you?
- Took you ten minutes.
New record, slowpokes.
- Yikes.
She mad.
- No!
I'm not mad.
I swear, I'm not mad.
Even though this is exactly
what I did not ask for.
- That is debatable.
- But really...
And I can't believe
I'm about to say this
to you guys...
I can't stop thinking about
that letter.
- Oh, my god.
- Not one thing
on that damn letter came true.
- Uh?
- Except for this party.
- Yes, thank you.
And, okay, who cares about
that stupid letter?
I'm pretty sure that mine said
I was gonna marry
Justin Timberlake
and be Oscar nominated by now.
Do you see me practicing
my acceptance speech?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Like, all the time.
Like, in the car.
When you're hanging out.
When you think you're alone
for even a second.
- Great.
It's a great speech.
- Okay, I'm bringing this
back to me for a sec.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.
That letter was just, like,
"hey, Kate!
"Your job is super lame and your
fun is just organized clubs,
"and one day you're gonna
get happy hour
"with your two best friends
"and your two friends
are gonna order club soda
"and you're gonna realize
they're pregnant,
"and they're gonna have kids
and they're not gonna have time
"for taco Tuesday,
and you're just gonna be this,
"like, weird, sad, lonely,
cat-lady aunt
that sends them over-sexualized
birthday cards."
- Kate, that is ridiculous.
- I know it is
'cause I hate cats.
And I'm not gonna compromise
this body with pregnancy.
- Okay, first of all,
can we stop saying the p word?
I'm pretty sure that
my mother-in-law's been slipping
prenatal vitamins
into my Pinot Grigio.
- That is scary.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
But second of all,
you're just...
You're in a rut, Kate.
You have all of these
little routines
and these little schedules
and you just...
You never let loose.
Look at you.
You're dressed like
a substitute teacher
for your 30th birthday party.
- Okay, excuse me,
this is faux leather.
- And substitutes are fun!
- Okay.
- How dare you.
- But you need to let loose.
- Yeah.
- So tonight, let loose!
- Yeah, party time.
- Yeah.
- "Partee tyme."
- "Partee tyme."
- What is the deal
with these shirts?
I don't understand them at all.
- It... it's a Rufus thing.
- But it doesn't matter
because if anyone asks,
it's our inside joke.
- Perfect.
- I kind of love that.
- Yes, you do!
- Party time on three.
- One.
Both: Two, three!
- This is so stupid.
All: Party time!
- Yeah, whoo!
- Here's yours.
- Oh, it's my color.
- Yeah.
You thought you were gonna
look cute tonight.
No way.
- Nope.
That's what friends are for.
- Mm-hmm.
- It'll look great with leather.
- Watch it.
You made it!
- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, okay.
Kate, you remember Rebecca
from Lincoln?
- Yeah, I think we had art
together for a few semesters.
How you doing?
- Good.
- Okay.
- Ooh, man.
Poor thing.
You know, her entire Instagram
feed is just covered in photos
of her five kids
in matching outfits.
You know, tonight might
actually be the first night
that she's been out of her house
since Lincoln.
- Well,
maybe she is super happy.
- Kate.
Her newborn wears headbands.
That woman is bored to death.
Oh, my god.
Tommy Hughes is here.
I am pretty sure
that I gave him an h.J.
On the opening night
of "pippin."
I should...
- god, you know, it always
shocked me how much ass
you theater kids got.
- Oh, yeah, I mean, second only
to youth church groups.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... I'll meet you
guys in there, okay?
- Hi!
- Hey!
- Yeah, friends hug.
- Yeah, let's do it.
I am surprised to see you.
- Was that a throw-away invite?
- No, I'm saying I'm surprised
in a good way.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you have a drink
in your hand?
- Guilty.
- Ooh, problem.
Well, I'm gonna go get myself
and you a drink.
Beer or wine?
- A white Russian?
- No way.
- They're delicious!
- That's my favorite drink.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Get out of here.
- Well, i... i should let you go
do your birthday host thing,
so I will make you a drink
and then come find you.
- That is a perfect plan.
- Okay.
- Welcome to my party.
- Thank you
for making me feel welcome.
- You're welcome
for feeling welcome.
- Thank you.
- This could go all night.
- Bye-bye.
- Listen.
- Yes.
- If we get separated tonight...
- Uh-huh.
- Can... can you just keep it
that way?
- Now, look, we can stay out
as late as you want, okay?
As long as you do me one favor.
Don't embarrass me.
I'm raven.
- There's somebody
under there, dude.
- Don't mind me.
- Who did this to you?
- Are you the victim
of a snack avalanche?
- Uh, nope.
This is just my job tonight.
- Uh...
So your job is to be a plate?
- No.
I am a plate.
There was acid in that
baba ghanoush you just ate.
This is a hallucination.
- Oh, boy!
I hope your necks are made
of ice cream cones
because this next track is gonna
make your faces melt!
- I'm gonna have to see some ID,
young man.
- I... i... i...
Just screwing with you.
Can I have a sip?
What is that, Glenfiddich
or Glenmorangie 25?
Apple juice.
You trying to kill me?
- Excuse me.
- How old are you?
- Hi.
- Hey!
Thanks for inviting us.
- Us?
- Yo!
What's up, Timmy?
- Um, it's Oliver.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Dude, you know where I can get
a drink around here
for me and my boys?
- Um, the bar, I guess.
- Cool.
Kins, some Tequila?
- I'm good.
Just water.
- Lame.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Beep, beep.
Watch your feet.
All: 7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12, 13, 14!
- 14 seconds.
That's not bad.
It's not bad.
- Not bad?
Let's see what you got.
- Ex-squeeze me.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't do yoga four days a week
to need a lift.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- You have a very lovely spread,
but do you have any Sauerkraut?
Weiner schnitzel?
- Yeah, you might want
to nix the wiener talk
with my current state.
- Fine.
Taquitos it is.
- Who's Manning the booth?
- The boo...
Oh, Scheisse!
- It was nice catching up,
- Wow!
Didn't recognize me
in my weekend look, did you?
I just wanted to say hi.
I know that it's your birthday
and you probably don't want
your rad new boyfriend
hanging on you all night.
- Uh, Richard?
- Raven.
- Raven.
Really try and drop it down.
It should be from your
- Raven, you're not
my boyfriend.
We went on one date, and I
army crawled away from you.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I know.
And it's... your upper body
strength is one of the things
I love most about you.
- Okay.
Okay, great.
- Anyway, boyfriend,
future boyfriend,
whatever you want to call it,
my dear.
Raven will be around.
Permission to touch
thy shoulders.
- Not permissed.
- Raven understands.
Raven apologizes.
I look to... oh.
Raven is sorry.
Raven is sorry about that
as well.
That guy just spent 20 minutes
trying to sell me a VCR.
- Did you buy it?
- Well, I wasn't gonna,
but then he threw in
all ten season
of "friends," so...
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you...
- are you okay?
- Maybe take
these drinks outside?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- War zone.
- I'll be out there in, like,
two... two minutes.
Hey, Evie?
This is gonna sound nuts,
but did you invite raven
to this party?
- Raven-symon?
Yeah, of course I did,
but she never tweeted back.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where did you get this?
- Mantle.
- This is a 1700s Norwegian ski
that a king
did something for.
You know what?
Let's just do this.
- I've never met anyone else
who will make a white Russian
at a party.
- Oh, see, what I do is
I rationalize all the vodka
I'm drinking because the milk
is good for my teeth.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
What's your excuse?
I went through
a "big lebowski" phase.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, there's way too many
photos of me wearing a robe
in public from that time,
but I can bowl a 230,
so there's that.
- I am impressed.
- I'm the one who's impressed.
I mean, don't take
this the wrong way...
- oh, that is such a good way
to start a sentence.
- I guess I just didn't...
I didn't think that somebody
who owns scrubs
with cartoon teeth
wearing cowboy hats on them
would have such a Rager.
- So what do you do?
Are you, like,
a lumberjack or something?
- Was that a flannel joke?
You know, flannels are in.
- Apparently.
- I wish I did something
as manly as lumberjacking.
I'm in website design.
- Oh, cool.
So you're a nerd.
- Um...
Uh, so how does one fall into...
- the glamorous life
of an orthodontist assistant?
Well, first, you get made fun of
for your braces in high school.
- Oh, I had to wear an eye patch
in kindergarten
to correct a lazy eye.
In reality,
I looked like a pirate
and everybody in my class
thought it was awesome.
- Cool brag, I guess.
- Yeah, I don't know why
I shared that.
I think I was trying to relate.
- Um, no, so I actually went
to school, dental school,
to be an orthodontist,
but I don't know.
I just freaked out when they
wanted me to pull a tooth.
It's really scary.
Gave me the heebie-jeebies.
- The heebie-jeebies?
Ma'am, is this
your 90th birthday?
- Okay, how dare you.
The heebie-jeebies is a thing.
People say that I think.
- No, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't make fun
of somebody who knows
I wear an adult retainer.
You have the power.
- Cannot wait to abuse it.
- Well, I cannot wait
to be abused.
- Okay, what are we
even talking about?
- Push up! Push up!
Push up!
- What did we miss?
- Competitive Charlie is back
and she's out of control.
- Really?
Claire, this is Dan.
Dan, Claire.
- I am responsible
for all of that.
- Whoo!
All right, all right.
Round three will commence
in this room in 15 minutes.
- Okay.
- What happened
to our pinky promise?
- Oh, Claire bear,
everything is under control.
- Hey, Charlie,
do you want me to leave the ice
in the kiddie pool or unload it
for the sumo challenge?
- Leave it in the kiddie pool.
Just trust me.
- Take it easy.
I don't want to be a widow
before we even get married.
- Oh, but you look so good
in black.
- Yeah.
- Ready to go?
- Can I play?
- Yeah, yeah.
Totally, totally.
- Yeah?
- Uh, where's Derrick?
- Uh, having a pissing contest.
- Is he still trying to
out push up that short lady?
- No, he's literally outside
having a pissing contest
with his friends.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Um, do you know how to play?
- Yeah.
So the horse can, like,
gallop to the other side, right?
Like boom.
- Not... not traditionally.
I mean, we can... we can play by
different rules or something.
There's other forms of chess,
I think, so...
- I was...
Totally kidding.
Just kidding.
- Oh.
- Check mate.
- And now I have eight cats.
- Seriously?
- No!
- Kate!
Kate, you have to come see this.
We started doing body shots,
and this one girl's belly button
can hold, like, eight ounces.
- That is gross.
- I know.
- Uh, Evie, this is Dan.
Dan, Evie.
She threw me the birthday party.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
- This is just like
parties in high school.
- Thank you.
- Or at least
how I imagined them to be
as I sat at home
and played "Oregon trail."
Alerting children
of the dangers of dysentery.
- I was more of a typhoid guy
- You know what?
I can see that about you.
- Whoa.
Major flirt alert.
Don't want to get hurt.
- Uh...
- Eject.
- You know, I'm gonna go take
that body shot.
Do you want to watch
this disaster?
- I'm good.
Body shots give me
the heebie-jeebies.
- See what you did there.
You're clever.
- Well, it was for your benefit.
- Something got you down,
sad clown?
- Look at that.
My girlfriend flirting with some
other guy right in front of me.
She bossed me then tossed me.
- Shocking.
The guy in all black
is depressed about something.
- Ha-ha.
That's hilarious.
- Lucky for you,
clichs are one of my things.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate! Kate!
- And now I'm gonna go
brush my teeth.
- Yeah!
- No offense.
I'm sorry, were you wearing wool
earlier today?
- Totally.
- Okay, me next!
Me next!
- Ah, I'll take this one.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the one
that got away.
The Sandra Dee to my Danny Zuko.
- Well, I'll be damned.
Ben Jenkins.
It's good.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
So look at you.
You haven't aged a bit.
- Same for you,
except you are super ripped now.
- I'm just trying
to make an ex jealous.
- An ex?
- So where have you been hiding
these days?
I don't know.
I'm here and there and, um...
Just give me a second, Ben.
Don't leave.
- You are like a girl.
You're so pretty.
- Hi!
How are you?
You know what?
I don't remember
inviting you, Ashley.
- Oh, that's funny.
I don't remember the fountain
being full of puke
when I sold this house
to frank and Nancy.
You know what?
Let me just text Nancy really
quick to see if...
- you know what?
Please, come in.
Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, jell-o shots.
All right.
You know, I am starving.
- It is.
- That is awesome.
- How's it going?
- Excuse me.
- How you doing?
- Hey, girls!
- Hey, Kate!
Hey, come here for one second.
Just one quick second.
- Is everything okay?
- I am calling
an official meeting.
- Are we the baby-sitters club
- No.
Oh, but if we were,
I would totally be
Caucasian Claudia Kishi.
- You know, I see you
as more of a dawn.
- Okay, guys.
Hey, sorry.
Can we move this on?
I'm, like, really in the middle
of something.
- Okay, um, Ashley's here.
Both: Ashley Driscoll?
- Yeah, and I asked her to
leave, but apparently she knows
Todd's parents, and...
But then I thought about
your letter and the p.S.
This is a perfect opportunity
to cross something off
of that stupid letter.
- Yeah, we could make her
eat shit.
- Actually,
I'm not really thinking about
the letter anymore, guys.
- What do you mean you're not
really thinking about
the letter anymore?
Like, two hours ago
you were gonna have that letter
tattooed on your thigh.
Ooh, by the way, if anyone wants
to get tattoos tonight,
I am so game!
- No. You know that guy Dan
I was talking to?
- Yeah, the guy in the flannel?
- I think I like him.
He's cute, right?
- Yeah.
- I would let him wear me
like a bonnet.
- I like a boy.
And the best part is I think
he likes me too.
- That's even better, really.
- I'm having fun tonight.
- You should be!
- Can you guys guess
what I'm doing?
- I have no idea.
- I'm Kate
climbing out of her rut.
- Yeah, but see,
that's also how you dance.
That's why it's confusing.
- Oh, we should do shots
to celebrate.
- I will rain check because
I'm gonna pace myself tonight.
Gonna see how things go
with Dan.
- Hey, uh, do you guys know
the birthday girl, Kate?
- Of course.
What, do you think we were,
like, just riding by
on our razor scooters
and were like,
"hey, there's a party,
let's go in there"?
- Yeah, and then we accidentally
ate some Mediterranean
eggplant dip that had acid in it
so now we feel trapped here?
- Okay.
when she comes back down here,
can you let her know that
Dan ran out to grab more milk?
I'll be back in, like,
ten minutes.
- Sure, man.
No problem.
- Was that a human
we were talking to?
- Girl, you look fine.
You haven't changed a bit
since high school.
- I'd rather die.
Are there any more jell-o sho...
Who put a banister here?
This should be an open-floor
concept, you Jack holes!
- You... you aren't thinking
of driving, are you?
- I live six blocks away.
- Okay, that's a relief.
- Of course I'm driving.
- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that a magic 8 ball keychain?
- Yes.
It tells me
when I should have sex.
Do you want to have sex?
- How about this:
I drive your car home for you
and then I just walk back here.
I've had one drink and there's
no way I can let you drive.
- Fine, but on one condition:
You got to take me
to the quick pick
and get me some nachos.
- I was going there anyway.
- Good.
I don't have any money.
I want 32 jalapenos.
I want an ounce of nacho cheese.
No more.
- You know what?
I will take that shot.
- Do you mind if we sped this up
a little bit?
I kind of want to get back
to the party.
- Well, now you've gone
and distracted me.
I added too many jalapenos.
Got to start over.
- Ladies!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Men and gentle ladies!
In our tie-breaking round,
we will test a match
of endurance.
Peter and I will be lifting
these empty kegs
above our heads
for as long as we can.
- Yeah!
- First person to break loses.
Are you ready?
- You're going down.
- Three, two, one!
- Oh, it's super easy for me.
Oh, yes!
Eat it, mouse girl.
I am the greatest!
You guys, you guys.
You heard it here first, folks.
Peter won.
He's, like,
way stronger than me.
- What?
- Yeah.
Who knew?
- I'm gonna head home.
Can you let Charlie know
that she should go ahead
and crash here tonight?
- No problem.
Can you scratch my right cheek?
- Okay.
- I need to talk to you.
- Holy shit.
- I met someone.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah, well, but you guys...
You actually have a history
with him.
Oh, god.
Okay, it all started because
raven was really upset
about your breakup, and...
- Raven and I didn't break...
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- And... but he's gonna be okay.
He just... he needs to lick
his wounds,
and I really need
to lick his face.
- Jules,
I'm happy for you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
'Cause i...
- go forth and cage that bird.
- I mean, 'cause,
like, girl COD...
Like, I'm gonna cage it hard, so
I just want to make sure that,
like, it's cool.
Like, probably hard.
Not, like, prison hard,
but, like...
- I really don't need details
about it though.
- Okay.
- Please leave.
- Thank you.
Okay, thank you.
Oh my... oh, yes.
- Guess what this is.
- Stop it.
- Little Evie dogs, junior year,
singing an original love song
to yours truly.
You don't happen to have
a dusty compact disc player
around here, do you?
- In my car.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- This is normal.
I would do this sober.
Not weird.
Just a grown woman
in a China cabinet
calling a dude.
One more.
If he answers, cool.
If he doesn't, screw him.
- Hello?
- Hi!
It is Kate.
- Kate, is everything okay?
It's, like, one in the morning.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm actually better than okay
because I just turned 30.
It's my 30th birthday.
Or it was till, like,
an hour ago.
- Hey, happy birthday.
Sorry, it's just...
It's late here.
- Oh, did I wake up...
Did I wake up the baby?
You have a baby!
- I have a baby.
- That is a weird sentence
to say.
Is it, like, crawling yet
or teething?
They cry, like, so much, I hear.
- Hey, what's up?
Are you okay?
- oh, you know what?
I'm sorry, I just wanted...
I wanted to ask you
one question.
- Yeah, okay.
- Just, like,
one super-quick question.
Is that okay?
- Ah, okay.
Yeah, what's up?
- My question is...
Why wasn't it me?
- What?
- Like, all right,
we dated for four years,
and then we break up,
and it's, like, boom.
Now you're married with a kid,
and I'm just wondering,
you know,
why I wasn't that person.
- Uh, well,
if you remember, Kate,
you broke up with me.
- Yeah, no, I know.
I know.
I was just wondering...
- and I don't know
if things have changed
in the last couple years,
but when we were together,
you weren't exactly
into marriage so much.
That was...
- why do you say that?
- Okay, well,
the night at the restaurant
when I was gonna propose to you,
you ran out like crazy
when I was reaching
for my wallet.
- I know.
I thought... i thought you were
reaching for a ring.
- I know you did.
And that's why I didn't...
That's why I never asked you.
Well, that and because you broke
up with me, like, a week later.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, I know that.
I just, uh...
I didn't know
that you knew that.
- But it's fine, right?
Everything worked out
like it was supposed to.
I know we haven't...
We haven't talked in a while.
You okay?
- Yeah, of course.
Of course.
And, um, hey,
I want you to know
that I'm really happy for you.
I just... i need you to know that.
I really,
really am happy for you.
- Thanks, Kate.
Stay out of trouble.
- Was that my voicemail?
- Oh, my god.
- I figured.
There's something
I got to tell you,
which is...
Oh, geez.
She's taking this really hard.
She must be craving the raven.
- Oh, my god.
Did I just say that my love
is deeper than the ocean...
- Smoother than lotion.
It's a beautiful line.
Evie, I can't tell you
how excited I was
when I saw that invitation
in my Inbox.
- Yeah, it's really nice
to see everyone.
- Sort of validated the whole
divorce, all the drama.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, Evie,
I've always known that we're
supposed to be together.
Even when I was married.
We're soul mates.
You're the Sandy to my Danny.
- That was a high school play.
- I just can't believe
it's happening now, you know?
Ah, she was so pissed
when I got the tattoo.
- Tattoo?
- Oh.
- Oh!
That's me!
- Yeah.
That's your first headshot.
- That's my first headshot.
- First headshot, yeah.
- Yeah, it is.
- It's like you're resting
your head on my chest.
- Okay.
It's there.
You know what?
Um, Ben, I'm actually gonna
go check on the party,
which is just about over,
so you should probably go.
- Evie, we're meant to be.
Not to be.
- Uh-oh.
- That is the question.
- Oh, no.
- "Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings
"and arrows
of outrageous fortune
"or to take arms against a sea
of troubles,
and by opposing end them."
- Okay, I'm gonna go, Ben.
Drive safe.
- "To sleep.
"to sleep.
"Ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of death,
what dream"...
- wow.
So, hey, how you holding up?
- "Partee tyme."
- Thanks for doing this, dude.
I mean, like,
this is really awesome.
- Yeah.
Not always a total screw-up.
- Wow, you, like, really sucked
down there, didn't you?
- Excuse me, I'm a grown woman.
I'm not here to take insults
from, like,
a 17-year-old high schooler.
- Okay, first of all, I'm 191/2,
and second of all, good for you.
I thought you were, like, some
loser freshman I didn't know.
Anyways, have you seen that
brunette hot girl
you were hanging out with?
She was... she was super hot.
- I think you mean
my girlfriend?
- Wait, that's your girlfriend?
- Yeah.
- Oh, wow, because if I had
one hour with her...
No, no, not even.
If I had just, like, ten minutes
with her, I'd be like,
"ooh, girl, you so naughty."
And I'd be like,
"ooh, what's up, Mam?"
And then I'd be like,
"mm, Mam, mm.
Give it to me.
Give it to me."
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a Falafel.
- What is going on?
- Oh, you're so dead, dude.
Oh, my god.
I just hit a kid.
- He's 191/2, remember?
- I just knocked out a teenager.
- Okay, that's it!
That's it!
Cut the music!
Cut the music!
I need all of the children
to leave this party!
Do you hear me?
If you're in high school
and/or too young
to know who vanilla ice is,
you have 30 seconds
to get out of this party!
My carpet!
Who did this?
- This has Ashley Driscoll's
name written all over it.
- I don't think we can just
assume that Ashley did it.
- No, literally.
It says so right here
on the coozy.
- You know what?
Ashley Driscoll can eat shit.
- Homeless or hipster?
- What?
- I said homeless or hipster?
- Oh.
Yeah, totally hipster.
You know, I think he's in that
band the guidance counselors.
- Mm.
Thank you.
- You know, you guys, I'm so
glad we splurged on two-ply.
- I am having the best time
while simultaneously
feeling pretty bad
about being so wasteful.
- This is so cathartic.
- Yeah.
We're queens of the night!
- Screw you, Ashley Driscoll!
- I hate my husband!
- Whoa, dude.
- That's a little dramatic,
even for you.
- It's true.
I hate him.
I hate his clothes.
I hate his narcissism.
I hate his family.
Oh, my god!
His family.
I don't want to go
cross-country skiing.
What I do want is a divorce.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Well, thank god
'cause we think he sucks.
- Yeah, it's, like,
the only thing we talk about
behind your back.
- Really?
- Yeah!
- He's the worst!
- Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god.
- Wait, you guys.
As long as we're
putting it out there,
I got something I need
to say too.
- Okay.
- I'm gay.
- I hate you.
- You're the worst.
- I hate you.
- What?
You guys just always guessed.
- Come in.
- It's kind of hard making it
up those stairs
with my eyes closed, obviously.
Can I open them?
- Open them, sad clown.
Holy crap.
- I want to bathe you.
- You're the strangest woman
I've ever met.
I think I love you.
Is that okay?
- Holy crap!
Okay, let me just...
God dang it.
The thing is with... these boots
are very difficult to take off.
Goth lifestyle is worth it
for the fashion,
but it's definitely
time consuming.
Come on!
Come on!
Get off!
God, it's like a snow boot.
Jesus Christ!
God damn it!
It's just, like,
the force doesn't work
'cause then it chokes me.
I'll leave it on.
I'll leave it on.
Stay right there,
you sweet ViXen.
- Just drop it off.
- God damn it.
I'm sorry.
Get it off!
Come on!
Oh, god.
- Hurry up.
- Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh, wait a minute.
Didn't take in the choker
into account.
Denise is not gonna be pleased
if this gets scratched.
- Who's Denise?
- Denise works at hot topic
in the mall.
Right next to the, uh...
Do you know Denise?
- Hey, Kate!
Are you ready for your birthday
baby dance?
- Please do not do that.
I'm gonna pee my pants.
I have to pee so bad.
- Just do it!
- What, just pee in the yard?
- Yeah, dude!
Why not?
- Okay.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna go.
- Is, uh, your house
the white one with the columns?
- Mm-hmm.
- With the round hedges
and the maple trees?
- Mm-hmm.
- That are currently covered
in toilet paper?
- Mm-hmm.
What the what?
- I'm doing it!
- Wow!
- I'm peeing.
And I am really hydrated.
Good for me.
- Hey!
You little bitches get
yoursel... oh, my god.
It's turtle head and theaturd.
- Okay, you can't talk to them
like that, Ashley.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Who's gonna stop me?
- Me.
So what is up, ladies?
Oh, is this some sad little
revenge plan that I ruined?
Oh, you must feel like such a...
- oh, no!
- Oh, my god.
She just ate shit.
- Is she dead?
- We got to hide the body.
- Good-bye, bench girl.
Oh, god!
- Oh, that is bad!
That is really bad.
- Is it bad?
- Oh, mm.
Your left lateral
incisor's completely cracked.
- Is that bad?
- Well, it's irreparable damage,
which means immediate
tooth extraction.
- Ew, what does that mean?
- It means this sucker's coming
out right now.
- She said that she needs
to pull your tooth out!
Do you understand?
- Yes, theaturd!
I'm not having a stroke!
- Okay, we'll talk about
the nickname later.
- Okay, um, I need
some gauze or, like,
grab some toilet paper,
and I need some pliers.
- Oh, there might be a toolkit
in the trunk.
- You know what?
You're a toolkit in the trunk,
- What?
- Actually, yes, please.
Can you go look?
That'd be great.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Hurry!
And I need the vodka.
- Why?
- 'Cause I need the vodka.
- Okay.
- Please!
- Here.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Oh, my god, my teeth...
So much.
- All right.
Let's do this.
- Wait!
Do you know what you're doing?
- I sure hope so.
I did it!
- I did it!
I did it!
I didn't do it.
- Freeze!
Step away from the Asian girl!
Dispatch, I think we have
a hate crime in progress.
My sister, are you okay?
- Thanks so much for the ride.
- No problem.
Thanks so much for
kicking my ass in chess.
You're really good.
- Yeah, right.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- I hope you don't take it
the wrong way, but...
Why do you go out with Derrick?
I shouldn't have said anything.
- No.
No, I ask myself that question
all the time.
I don't know.
He's the quarterback.
I'm the cheerleader.
It's what nature wants.
But I get what you're saying.
I shouldn't be dating someone
that I don't
really connect with.
- Um...
He... he's probably wondering
where you are.
I don't know if you want
to go in,
give him a call or something.
Maybe that would, you know...
- I love this song.
- Do you guys have anyone
I can call for you?
A lawyer?
- Okay, don't pretend
to be a nice guy, Dan.
Yeah, we had a connection,
and yeah,
it's probably the liquor talking
that's making me say this,
but we probably could've been
something, and you blew it!
- You blew it!
- But...
- yeah, you blew it!
- Hi.
- Yeah, you totally blew it.
- Oh, um, hey, you...
You work for Charlie, right?
Where can I find her girlfriend?
- Uh, Claire left.
- What?
- Yeah, she wasn't too stoked
about Charlie hulking out
back there, so she left.
She told me to let Charlie know,
but I haven't seen her.
- Uh, that's 'cause
she got arrested.
Oh, god!
- Oh, hey, Dan.
Hey, how's the retainer?
- It's good.
It's really tight.
Thank you.
I was just wondering if you knew
where Charlie's girlfriend,
Claire, is.
- Uh, no.
- What about Evie?
Does... does she have a boyfriend
I could call?
- She doesn't have a boyfriend.
She's married.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, her husband is, like,
some lawyer dude named Todd.
- I am gonna get this dipped
in gold and put it on a chain
- you know, for a minute there,
I really thought you were gonna
go in and get a second one.
It would've made
amazing earrings.
- Oh.
- I should've done it.
- Yeah.
- But you did it.
You finally... you pulled a tooth.
Now you can be, like,
a full orthodontist.
- Yeah, are you gonna
go back to school?
- You know what?
- Really?
- Yeah!
I like my job.
It's low pressure,
and I have fun with Jules,
and I like it.
I'm not scared to do more.
I just like it.
You know what else?
I... i like my organized fun.
Like, I don't need to go out
to have a good time.
You know what I think I do?
I put all this pressure
on myself because I just assume
that other people expect me
to be more or to want more
'cause I'm, like,
an assistant who's a homebody,
but I love it!
- Amen.
- Get it.
- I want to be the weird aunt.
I do.
- Whoa.
This got serious.
- Yeah, and speaking
of serious...
Sorry, are you done
with your speech?
- Yeah, I am.
Thank you.
- Got it.
Speaking of serious,
I'm gonna be in serious trouble
with Claire if we end up
spending the night here.
- No, you won't
because Claire is cool.
- Yeah, she is cool.
She's a cool fiance.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my god!
- What?
That's amazing!
- Wait, why didn't you tell us?
- I don't know.
'Cause you guys are, like,
having nervous breakdowns
or whatever.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah, thank you,
but I really need to guys
to act surprised when Claire
and I tell you together.
- I'm an actress.
- Okay.
- Got it.
- Also, I can throw you
an engagement party.
- Oh, my god.
No thank you.
- Hi.
We must've fallen asleep
when we were talking.
- Yeah, I g...
- That was really fun.
- It was.
Last night was really fun.
It's fine.
I'm, uh...
I'm gonna talk to him.
It's fine.
- Hey, Kinsey.
If we don't talk again
at school, or ever again,
for that matter,
I just want to let you know
that I really like you
and the reason I invited you
is because...
- Oliver.
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna handle this.
But, yeah,
just message me later.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- All right.
- Okay.
- Wake up, ladies!
I got good news
and I got bad news.
- We will take
the good news please.
- I didn't ask
for your preference.
The bad news is
you're probably gonna get
community service
for trespassing.
- That's not that bad.
- And public urination.
The good news is
your lawyer's here.
He's gonna get you out of here.
- Our lawyer?
- Todd Jones.
- Let's do this.
- Thank you.
Hi, Todd.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay.
- Evie, what did you do?
- I'm fine, Todd.
Thank you for asking.
Why aren't you in vail?
- Well, some guy named Dan
calls me,
tells me
that you've been arrested,
so I take the first flight back.
I... i can't believe this.
Do you have any idea
how bad this makes me look?
- And that's what
you're concerned about.
- Yes, Evie.
Well, I'm a lawyer, so I can't
be bailing people out of jail.
- I spent the night
in the drunk tank.
- I don't ask for a lot.
I let you do your little
work stuff.
I let you hang out
with those two idiots.
But at the end of the day,
I'm the one
who takes care of you.
- What if I don't need someone
to take care of me?
What if I can take care of
- Whoa!
- Oh, god.
You know,
prison is not comfortable.
- Hi!
She gave me a weird look.
- My girlfriend's a criminal!
- Gonna give you a minute.
- Yeah, thanks.
- I am so sorry
about last night.
- You're a god damn maniac.
- True.
But for good reason.
- Peter Finch, athletic director
at Lincoln high school?
- I told Peter
that if I made him look like
a total badass at the party
last night,
that he'd have to give me
the entire uniform account
of Lincoln high.
It's not bad.
- You stink real bad.
- I was in prison.
- Oh.
- I learned all sorts of shit.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey, there.
- So just so you know,
I drove Ashley home
so she wouldn't drive drunk.
- Yeah, no, you do not
have to explain yourself.
I got crazy last night.
- A little crazy
is when a bachelorette party
hires a stripper.
- Oh.
- You ripped a tooth
out of a woman's jaw.
- Yeah, I did that.
- Yeah, you did.
- Didn't know
I was such a badass.
- Uh, no, I did not know that.
- Can I give you a ride?
- Actually, do you want to grab
some breakfast?
- Are you asking me on a date?
- Are you scared?
- Evie, can you just relax?
- Nope.
- No, are... you're seriously
gonna do this?
- Yes.
Hey, guys, can I grab a ride?
- Oh, all right.
Well, sounds good then.
You just... you take a few nights
to cool off.
I'll stay with my parents.
- Wait.
Where are your parents?
- I dropped them off
on my way here.
- Oh, are you guys the butlers?
Oh, we'll have two full
English breakfasts please,
and I'll take my bacon
nice and crispy.
And did you want to add
- Scotch.
- Just a scotch for her.
- Dear 30-year-old Kate,
when this reaches you
on your birthday,
you'll have the greatest guy
in the world.
Oh, thank you.
He'll be handsome
and sweet and funny.
How's the sangria?
- It's nice.
- Yeah?
- Just your type of sangria.
- It's so strong, by the way.
You'll be
a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice.
You go, girl!
I got it dipped in gold.
- Oh, my god.
- You really did it.
- I know.
It looks awesome, right?
Of course, there's gonna be
a little one to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven.
- Hi.
- 30-year-old self,
I have no doubt
that you'll have
the most incredible life.
- Kate?
- I'll see you...
- Kate.
- Hmm?
- Hi.
Did you hear what we said?
- What?
- We're engaged.
Oh, my god!
- So unexpected!
- Wow.
- Big news.
- You told them.
- I swear to god I didn't...
Except for that one time
in jail.
- Yeah.
- I promise you,
it's news to me.
- Can I be a bridesmaid?
- You already are.
- For which one?
- Uh...
- Well, congratulations!
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
All: Cheers.
- To love lasting forever.
- Sorry.
- 30-year-old self,
I have no doubt
that you'll have the most
incredible life.
I'll see you there.
- "P.S. Ashley Driscoll
can eat shit."