FDR: American Badass! (2012) Movie Script
1
Now, the whole country
is in a panic.
We've been summoned
to the White House
knowing that the World War
is upon us.
Well, he comes bursting
down the stairs
with his dick resting
over a hanger shouting,
"Does this look too wrinkled
to wear into Congress?"
But that was Woodrow Wilson
for you.
He just didn't give a fuck.
The next day
we entered World War I,
and the bitch of it is...
I never got my iron back.
We got movement.
What do you think Bronson,
is this our grizzly?
Can't tell.
It's moving between the trees
too quickly.
Have a look Governor Roosevelt.
Oh, my God!
What is it?
Werewolf!
Everybody run!
[GROWLS]
We're all going to die!
Don't panic, we just got to make
it back to the cabin.
Wait! Wait!
Why me?
I'm fat and weak.
Probably for exactly
that reason.
No!
Let's get some, boys. No, we
got to keep moving, Frank.
They carry polio.
[GROWLS]
[GROANS]
Fuck polio.
Good shot, old boy.
Did you put silver bullets
in that thing, Frank?
No, why?
That's why. Run!
Oh, shit.
Sweet Jesus!
What the shit?
Ooh!
Why even spend the time
to do that?
Frank, we got to get
the hell out of here.
No chair lift,
we're never going to make it.
We're going to have to go
old school on this.
This isn't a time for that--
we need silver bullets.
[YELLS]
Oh, sick goblins!
Frank, I'm sorry.
Tell Eleanor I love her.
Eleanor has silver bullets.
Eleanor.
Frank, stay with me.
Stay with me, Frank.
Frank, Frank,
stay with me, Frank.
Please.
[GASPS]
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I thought
you were dead, Frank.
Ain't nobody going to take down
The Delano, Kitten Tits.
Kitten Breasts, Frank.
Hey, Frank, how you feeling?
Like a bag full of dicks
at a lesbian convention.
Oh, language, Franklin.
[FRENCH ACCENT] Eh, Comme sucka des
dicks at a convention de lesbian.
Oh, that's better.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Easy Lou, just me.
Put that hamster back
in its cage.
Glad to see you awake,
Governor Roosevelt.
Let me just say, on behalf
of the great State of New York,
it is our honor--
Cut the shit, doc.
If I wanted smoke
blown up my ass,
I would have spread my cheeks
and jammed a whistling teapot
up there.
Why can't I feel my legs?
When the werewolf attacked you
and bit your leg,
it released a small stream of--
You've got the polio, Frank.
Does my cock still work?
Yes, I had one of the nurses
run tests.
Well,
why is everybody looking
so down? Cock works.
I'll be up and at it
in no time.
Oh, in two weeks, Lou,
I want a rematch
of that 100 yard dash,
you son of a bitch.
I'm going to get you this time!
I'm going to get you!
Frank, Frank,
you're not hearing me.
You'll never be able
to walk again.
What?
That's the thing
about werewolf attacks--
where you're bitten is where
the polio sets in.
In your case...
it's your legs.
[GASPS] Oh!
God, no.
Why?
Why did you have to give him tiny,
little, shriveled-up polio legs?
Why, why!
I love you Eleanor,
but you got to just
shut-the-fuck-up
when grown men
are conversing!
Fortunately, Louis got you
to the hospital
before the polio spread
to your--
Good looking out, Lou.
On the reels,
I'll never walk again?
Can't something be did?
If I'm going to give you real
barbershop talk,
no rashes, no chalk--
with rehabilitation
you might be able to stand
with leg braces--
possibly a cane.
But you will never again walk
without guided assistance.
Well, fuck it then! Just get
a goddamn hacksaw up here
and cut my legs off and sew them
on his goddamn body!
Oh, let's do that.
Keep your pants on, Louis.
That isn't how this works.
There's nothing more we can do.
Mr. Roosevelt,
I'm so very sorry.
Eleanor can take you home
this afternoon.
All right, thank you, doctor.
Louis, can I see you
out in the hallway for a moment?
[ELEANOR WHINES]
Shut up.
What's the skinny, pill pusher?
It's not good for me to leave the Gov by himself.
There's something I need
to show you.
Do not grab your dick and ask me
to guess the temperature.
Motherfucker, I'm not playing
hide the keys
from the jailer either,
understand?
Put the gun away.
What I'm about to show you
affects not only
Governor Roosevelt,
but possibly all of mankind.
I don't understand--
why are we in the morgue?
This is what I wanted
to show you.
What the fuck, bro?
Sorry, wrong one.
This is what I wanted
to show you.
That thing's dead, right?
Yes, I had a male nurse
check him out.
I won't go into details,
but I owed him a favor.
Anyway, while he was
shaving him, he found this.
Is that a belly tattoo
of a swastika?
The detail's amazing--
Those fucking Germans, man,
their craftsmanship
is unmatched.
How do you know the werewolf
is German?
Besides the swastika,
we found this on him.
But why?
We're not at war with Germany
anymore-- this doesn't add up.
I'm not a mathematician,
I'm a damn doctor!
And I didn't train on wolves.
Plus, he's a German.
We have to call in
the authorities.
You shut that whole
spitting shit
out of your face,
do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
Yes.
Good, now--
I'm going to pull my Model A
around the back
while you bag
this son of a bitch up.
Then you are going to help me
load him into the automobile.
And if you breathe a word
of this to the press out there,
so help me God, I will come up
in here with an axe
I will split your ass in two
like a Granny Smith apple.
Do you understand me?
Yes!
Good.
The Governor's had a bad day.
I don't want him seeing any
of this shit.
Bag that evidence with it too.
I've had a bad day too.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
Doctor Bender
to the mental ward, please.
I don't know if I could spend
the rest of my life
in that goddamn thingy.
I know, sweetie.
When we get out of here,
I say we get a second opinion
about attaching Louis's legs
to your body.
[CROWD CHANTING]
FDR, FDR, FDR...
What the hell is that?
FDR, FDR...
Looks like a crowd
is gathered outside.
And they're holding signs
for you--
to run for President,
FDR, FDR, FDR...
among other things.
Hey, Frank, you got a minute?
Yeah, sure-- what the hell's
going on out there.
It's pandemonium, people are
going shit house, Frank.
You're all over the news.
We got to get you
out there, boss.
Let the people know
you're all right.
I can't.
At least not in that thing.
Mr. Roosevelt, there's someone out
here that would like to see you.
Unless it's your identical twin,
not right now.
It's a ten-year-old boy, Timmy.
He's stricken with polio.
Werewolf attack?
No, he had a prolonged virus
in his intestinal track.
Well, mine's kind of braver--
sorry.
Frank.
Oh, all right, I'll see him.
God.
Hi, Mr. Roosevelt.
Please call me Governor.
Okay, Gov, Gov, Governor.
Oh, Jesus, is polio going to
make me stutter too?
Oh, no, that's a separate
problem
he's dealing with, as well.
Oh, thank God.
Wha-- why aren't you
in a wheelchair?
Well, Tommy,
Timmy.
Timmy, I uh...
I was just waiting for you
to come in
and push it to me.
Did you hear that, son?
Bring the Governor
his wheelchair.
Independent.
There you go.
Well, now we're
twi, twi, twi, twins.
Thanks for taking the time,
Governor.
It sure means a lot to him.
I bet it does.
Well, hmm,
take care of yourself, Tommy-- Timmy.
Timmy.
And why don't you drop
by the mansion
on the sixth Tuesday in July
and we'll have a catch?
Thank you.
Yes.
[STUTTERS] Are you going
to run for President,
Mr. Roosevelt?
You're the only one
who can save us.
FDR, FDR, FDR...
Are you sure you want
to do this, Frank?
I'm sure.
I've got it from here.
How you feeling, Governor?
Like a one dollar bill,
never better.
What was it like being attacked
by a werewolf?
About the same
as having your money
in the stock market,
these days.
Hey, Governor Roosevelt,
there hasn't been a werewolf
attack on a public figure
since Abraham Lincoln in 1860.
Why now?
Ask him.
Oh, no, wait-- head blown off.
Almost forgot about that.
But who am I kidding?
I'm not any better.
Marco... polio.
Hey, all kidding aside,
Mr. Roosevelt, Yep.
you plan on running
for President?
And if you win,
how will it feel
to be the first invalid
ever elected?
Gee, Bob, if I had known you
were going to try to fuck me,
I would have had the hospital
dress me in a nicer gown.
Men are not prisoners
of their fate.
They are only prisoners
of their own mind.
And I will not allow you
to rape the prisoner
inside my mind.
And as far as invalids go--
oh, hell, the conservatives
in this country
have been invalids for years.
He's got that right.
I view this werewolf attack
not as an attack against me,
but an attack
against our nation.
And I will fight the problems
of this nation
with the same tenacity
that I used
to take down
that vicious beast.
So, today I toss my hat
into the ring
with the Democratic Party
to be the next President
of the United States.
God bless America.
FDR, FDR, FDR...
How was that?
It was good.
The part about the prisoner
was a little weird.
I was freestyling, son.
Oh, Frank!
Mrs. Roosevelt,
you're going to have to sit
up front on Franklin's lap.
Ooh.
Why?
Because there's a dead werewolf
in the trunk.
I'll explain later.
Did you debrief him?
Yes.
Cool.
I hate when I have to take
his boxers off.
Is he in bed?
Yes.
Where are you going?
I'm going to sleep
in the guest bedroom.
Do you really think
he should be alone right now?
I can't--
It's just--
His legs--
They're shriveled-up
like two-day-old hot dogs.
I don't want them
touching me.
Eleanor,
He is running for the Presidency
of the United States.
You are his wife
and a potential first lady.
So, what are you saying?
What I'm saying is you have got
to get your shit together!
Not just for Frank,
but for the good of the whole
country, do you hear me?
[WHISPERS] Yes.
A divorce will blow his chances
right out of the water
and that just can't happen.
There's too much at stake.
We think
there might still be more...
werewolves out there.
Are you serious?
I thought that was
an isolated attack.
We still don't know.
Oh.
Look,
we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Get some sleep.
Oh.
[KNOCKS]
Yes.
How you feeling, Frank?
Not too bad, actually.
Just getting used to getting
in and out of that chair.
Crawling into bed here, I was
as nervous as a 10-year-old
in a whore house.
I bet.
So,
Eleanor is tending
to the kids?
Yeah, she's probably
going to spend the night
with them tonight--
keep an eye on them.
They've had a pretty big scare.
They have? Shit, look at these!
Oh!
Frank, you've got to stop
doing that.
[CHUCKLES]
Here's the paper, by the way.
Thank you.
Let's see.
Oh, American hero
and werewolf killer,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
announces he's running
for President.
Thank you, mm-hmm.
I hope it mentions something
about my cock still working.
No.
Well, shit, call them up!
I want a press release
first thing in the morning.
Before we do that--
But--
let's leak them a picture too.
Before we do that, I have
something to discuss with you.
I don't think there's anything
more important than this.
It's about the dead werewolf.
Stuff it-- hang it
over the mantle.
Put it in the kids' room.
This is serious, Frank.
The doctors ran some tests
and they think
the werewolf might have come
from Germany.
What?
Yeah.
They found some markings
on it
and some literature
next to the body.
German...
why?
I don't know.
But don't you think it's odd
that the last attack
was on Abraham Lincoln
before he ran for President?
The only thing I find odd
is that there's no--
I'm serious, Frank.
I'm serious too, Lou,
I am serious!
All right, what should we do?
Should we call up the FBI
and have them--
No, no, no, I don't want Hoover
to be using
any bullshit German propaganda
against you in the election.
We'll just
get you elected first,
then we'll let them have
a look at the wolf.
In the meantime, I'll beef up
security on the campaign trail.
That's a good idea,
thank you, Lou.
Just keep the kids
out of the meat freezer
for a couple of months
Oh, Lou,
Yeah.
Cancel my soccer camp tomorrow.
I don't think
I'm going to be any good.
Oh, fuck you.
Pleasure.
Yes.
Here we go, there we go.
Excuse me, would you sign
my newspaper?
And does it work?
Damn straight-- the answer
to both those questions.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Lou.
Hey.
So, he reads the sign,
he gets all pissed off,
throws down his pickax
and helmet and starts to leave.
Well, she-- she runs
out of the brothel naked
and says, "No, we don't serve
minors.
You, sir, look well over 18."
[GROANS]
And we go.
Oh, I'm exhausted
and I can't even stand up.
God bless you guys.
Keep laughing, boys.
You think God blessed Tommy?
Hold on, fellows.
Who's Tommy?
Tommy-- Tommy used to work
on the docks.
Unions been on strike,
down on his luck.
It's tough.
So tough.
What happened to him?
Got so depressed,
he tried to off himself.
And who's taking care of him?
His wife, Gina.
Gina works the diner all day.
Working for--
Come over here,
come over here!
Sit on Uncle Frankie's lap.
Okay, sh-hhh.
Your Uncle Delano's going to fix
this shit.
You guys are the salt
of the earth.
The real people who make
this country run.
And I am not going to leave you
to live on a prayer!
[CHEERS]
Beautiful melons, mam.
They sure are ripe
for the picking.
I meant your tits.
So did I.
What in the hell is going on
down here?
Okay, Frank, got to get there.
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me, were you ogling
at my wife's breasts?
Mm-mm.
I don't mind if you were.
I just want to view it,
that's all.
Congressman Cleavon Baybridge
Buford-- Repube, Georgia.
Nice to meet you.
Yes, you too.
Did you just say Repube?
Mm-hmm, yes, sir.
You mean Republican?
No, sir.
The form I filled out when I ran
for congress said Repube on it.
It was a professional
form, sir.
It was typed on paper--
maybe even double-space.
I think you meant Repub,
short for Republican.
No, sir.
I saved the form, sir.
It is inside a folder
marked official on it.
So, I know that it is real.
Yes, but-- You're probably good then.
Let this one go, Frank.
Nice meeting you folks.
Oh, no stay for dinner.
We've got fried chicken
and fresh biscuits and okra.
I'll go down on you all.
It'll be a nice time.
Excuse me?
My cousin-- wife is excellent
at entertaining guests.
And even though I am a Repube,
it would be an honor to have
the next President
of the United States
over to our house for dinner,
possibly share our bed,
even if he is a Democrat.
No, we have a long campaign
ahead of us.
I don't think it's the--
Sir, I can assure you
that this is
a house where wolves
will not attack us.
Plus, I got some moonshine
which does not taste
like asshole grease.
Sold!
So I said to her
keep your back straight,
knees bent,
feet shoulder-width apart,
and keep your strokes
to a minimum.
Well, she can't golf
worth a shit
but she can give
a hell of a blow job.
It's true.
I'm looking at a big handicap
right now.
Ahhh, Cleavon,
so why do they call
this town Warm Springs?
Oh, Legend has it
that whenever a young Injun girl
becomes a woman,
you know, down there,
she will race toward the springs
and jump inside the water
and begin her menstruation
process.
It is said that the blood
collectively joining together
creates a natural warmth
that gives a man a feeling
as if he is back inside
a womb again.
It will invigorate him
and cause him to do things
that he could only do
when he was a fetus.
Is that true?
Is what true, sir?
The story you just told.
I am sorry,
I am quite inebriated
and I was unaware that I was
speaking out loud just now.
I am shamed.
Who want dessert?
We got peach cobbler,
rhubarb pie,
some southern
strawberry jam cake, and--
Excuse me, this doesn't
seem appropriate.
What is that, sir?
A black slave walking in
with a chalkboard
around his neck
with dessert choices on it.
It seems a little... racist.
These kind people
have taken me in,
given me an education,
shared their bed with me,
given me food,
and you have the nerve
to call them racist.
How dare you, sir?
I have merely been falling
behind on my writing,
so I asked if I may use
the chalkboard
to further my spelling,
and I have to deal with this?
I'm sorry, I--
I shall leave two incongruent
pieces of Georgia pine
next to your bed
in case you want to transfix
them together with twine
and light them ablaze
to make you feel at home, sir!
I didn't mean anything.
May I be excused, sir?
Yes, sure, Curtis.
I shall be in the garden
playing basketball,
should anyone need me.
So, Mr. Roosevelt,
may I escort you out
to the springs?
I think that you will find them
quite delightful.
I know that I do.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I think that would be
quite pleasant.
Mmm, Mrs. Buford,
will you show our esteemed
guest, Louis,
where our extra bathing
suits are?
Oh, that won't be necessary.
I like to be choked.
Mmm, indeed, sir.
Ah, this is remarkable,
I feel so invigorated.
It's like I have full movement
in my extremities again.
Kick your little old
legs, Frank.
Kick your little old legs.
Oh, yeah.
Legend has it
that the Injuns used to come
here to hide from werewolves.
Seems the wolves hate
warm water.
Is that real?
Because earlier you told me
another story about this place.
Mm?
I'm sorry, was I speaking
out loud again?
Yes.
God, shit, sometimes I think
that I am silent
when these thoughts
just flow between my lips.
I'm seeing a specialist
about it.
Anywho, my doctor recommended
that I come here
to relieve my polio
after my attack.
What?
Well, you were attacked too?
Mm-hmm, yes, sir--
up in the Appalachian Mountains.
I had taken my nephew, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter,
on a camping trip.
Well, in the middle of the night
I had awoken
to relieve myself with my hands.
When, all of a sudden,
out of the corner of my eye
I noticed this werewolf
running through the trees
over to the tent,
trying to kill him.
[GROWL]
Uncle Cleavon, Uncle Cleavon.
[FDR]
And what did he do?
Well, instincts kick in
at that point.
And I do the only thing that Cleavon
Baybridge Buford knows how to do,
which is to sprint
over to the tent,
pull out a small sterling
silver cheese knife
I keep tucked inside my pants
at all times,
and kill that son of a bitch
dead on the spot.
That, sir, was unnecessary.
And you are dead, sir.
Damn.
Well, I got a mild case
of the polio--
enough that I can walk
with a cane
as long as I have plenty
of Georgia peaches. Ah.
Peaches?
Mm-hmm.
Peaches, meet the next President
of the United States,
Mr. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Much obliged, sir.
Mam.
I didn't touch your wife.
Oh, that's okay.
Our votes are swing,
if you know what I mean.
Let's enjoy the springs,
shall we?
Here, here.
Enjoy the springs.
This, sir,
was a pleasure.
Well, the pleasure
was all mine.
And mine-- twice.
Thanks, Mrs. Buford.
You're mighty welcome, boys.
You all come back soon,
now, you hear.
And good luck on the rest
of the campaign.
Just know that this Repube
will be voting for you.
Cleavon, if I win,
how would you like
to come down to Washington
and serve
as my vice president...
of the hot tub committee.
Are you serious, sir?
Yes, we can always use
a good Repube
like you on the other side
of the aisle.
Sir, you have no idea
how much this would mean to me.
When I was a little boy,
I put a magic hat on a snowman.
And he came to life.
I blacked out, I got all dizzy
and fell over on the ground.
And when I came to,
I looked up
and the sky was filled
with different colors.
We were flying
through the air together,
kicking our little legs.
We were free.
We were free.
I have that same feeling
right now, sir.
Just say, "yes."
Yes-- yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
And sir, don't worry--
we will get you
the great State of Georgia.
I can promise you that, sir.
Even though this is a State
filled with Repubes,
I will take my wife
to every single town.
She and I will suck
as many dicks as it takes
to get these votes, sir.
That's how much you mean to me.
The experiences we had together,
I will never forget.
Just being friends, you know?
Not in a gay way,
just another politician,
you know?
Just shared
a warm bath together.
I will go door-to-door
and ask each and every person
to have a heart
and vote for FDR.
I will do that, sir.
I will do that.
Love the guy--
crazier than shit,
but I love him.
Thank you, sir.
[RADIO] And the results
are slowly coming in.
Here is what we know, so far--
Hoover has won Pennsylvania,
New Hampshire, Vermont,
Delaware, and Connecticut.
Ooh.
Roosevelt has managed to secure
New York, New Jersey, Virginia,
Tennessee, and Georgia.
Hah, hah!
Good old Cleavon Buford,
that son of a bitch did it!
I'll bet Mrs. Buford
carried a few favors too.
Who?
A Congressman we met--
and his wife, lovely people.
Southern.
Two more States have come in--
North and South Carolina
are for Roosevelt.
Yow!
Ah.
Daddy! Daddy!
I have great news.
Being gay is not
great news, James.
We are listening
to the results
to see if your father
is going to be President.
That's just it-- he won.
He won!
Hoover only carried six States.
You carried the rest
of the country.
If you're sniffing glue again,
I swear to God I'll beat you
with a fat man's belt
and wheel over you repeatedly
until you bleed
out of your eyes, nose and ears.
More State results are in--
Florida, Alabama,
Mississippi, Nebraska--
my God, man, every other State
except for Maine
has gone to Roosevelt.
Now, I am the most powerful man
in the world!
Suck it, bitches!
You can't walk.
I can't walk, I forgot.
Mr. President, secret service
agent, Dan Ru-- therford.
What... the... fuck?
Oh, shit.
What is wrong with you people?
Get it together, man.
I'm just fucking with you.
Woodrow Wilson did the same shit
when he was elected.
I knew it, I knew it!
But you should tell your son
to stop crapping in that vase.
That's pretty messed up, man.
James.
I'll give you 15 minutes
to collect yourselves.
Then I need to get you to
the White House, Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Yes!
Wipe yourself, James,
wipe yourself.
[RADIO] And it's official-- the new
President of the United States
is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Nein!
Turn that scheisse off.
I was afraid
this would happen.
Get Mussolini on the phone,
schnell!
Right away, Fuhrer.
[RINGING]
Rachel Ray's Beach
at Broadway and 7th location.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
What! What the fuck?
Whoa, hey,
this is America, Jack.
Who is this?
I'll come down there
and I'll get your fucking--
Sorry, Fuhrer,
wrong Italian.
That is a take-out place
in New York
that is quite delightful--
thin slices, crispy crust
but not overdone, it's--
[RINGING]
That's amore
Mussolini, it's the fuhrer.
Yah, heil me.
Did you hear
the news?
[ITALIAN ACCENT]
I heard all about that shit.
We should have taken him out
when we had the chance.
I sent my best man
to take him out
before he decided
to run.
But the polio only spread
to his legs.
What about the cock?
It still work?
Jah.
Ah, shit!
The last thing we need
is a big swinging dick
in the White House
trying to fuck up
a whole world takeover.
You are preaching
to the gas chamber on this one.
We already lost Franz.
Okay, hold the phone,
I'm going to get Hirohito
on a 3-way.
Get me Hirohito
on a 3-way.
[RINGING]
Hirohito's on 61st
and Madison.
Hello, who?
Hirohito's dry cleaner
on 61st and Madison.
What's the matter you?
Hey.
I'm so sorry, boss.
That's a dry cleaning place
I send out to in New York
for my uniform.
Perfect amount of starch--
not too much, not too little--
Hitler, is it too much to ask
to have a decent assistant
hate America like me?
[LAUGHS]
Tell me about it.
[RINGING]
[JAPANESE ACCENT]
Hello.
Hirohito, it's Moosie
and Hitler.
Ooh, you using that new 3-way
switchboard technology
my scientists invented.
I told you the Japanese
were good at electronics.
Yeah, you also make
a nice car
but better
you no drive, huh?
That's funny.
You heard about FDR?
He got elected.
Of course, I did.
And I'm not happy
about it!
Hitler, you were supposed
to take care of him.
If this is going to be
one of those
gang-up-on-Hitler calls,
I'm out.
I say we go to war.
Okay, not yet.
I'm going to send my mafia
guys over to America.
And they're going to handle
this problem
and make it disappear.
I'm going to pollute
the whole country.
And how do you plan
on doing that?
Prohibition.
You see, these guys
still bootleg
my fine Italian wine.
So, I'm going to take
my werewolf blood
and I'm going to stick it
in my wine
everybody drink in America.
Then everybody going to be
like us--
a werewolf.
FDR, he going to have
no chance.
I'll make
that whole country
howling at the moon.
[HOWLS] Yes, jawohl, I like it.
I'll give some of mein fine
German beer
to take, as well, huh?
Me like it too.
Count me in.
We will donate sake.
Sake?
Sake is for women
und the gay community.
Laugh it up, bitches!
Sake is a sensual drink
that relaxes the mind,
body, and--
That's so funny.
Fine!
Fuck you!
3-way done!
Pull it!
Mr. President, may I present
to you, George Freeman,
the official White House butler.
It's an honor, sir.
Freeman, Mother.
Yes, sir.
Kind of ironic, isn't it?
I guess so.
Well, we're going to set
this motherfucker off, George.
Pound my shit!
There's some weed
in Washington's humidor--
third drawer down on the right,
good stuff--
no sticks, no stems, no seeds.
My negro.
Literally.
Mr. President,
may I present to you
White House secretary,
Miss Melissa Ricksman.
Mr. President,
anything you need,
anything at all,
don't hesitate to ask.
Anything you dictate,
I will transcribe.
My dictate works just fine.
I mean my dick,
if I was going to dictate
something,
I would talk directly
to the American citizens.
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm not understanding.
You are going to talk
to them directly,
as in town gatherings?
No, what I mean is--
George, how are you with radios?
I'm black, son.
Cool!
Then rig that bitch up--
so I can speak
directly through it
to the entire nation.
Cool.
Hat.
Oh.
There you go, sir.
Right there.
Check one-two, check one-two.
Yo, turn me up
in the headphones.
Your levels are proper, kid.
Now, let me turn
this record player off.
Ooh, shit, sorry guys.
No, no, no, George,
keep doing that-- I like that.
The Delano needs to chat
fireside up in this bitch.
Let that beat right out.
Franklin, I think
this is inappropriate.
Shh, grown men conversing--
seen, not heard, Eleanor.
George, keep scratching.
My fellow Americans,
this is your new President,
Franklin
Delano Roosevelt,
a.k.a. The Delano,
a.k.a.
Big Baby Juice Maker.
And I'm chatting to you
live from the double O.
First of all,
I want to thank you for electing
me as your President.
On the reels,
that was a smart play.
Hoover was great.
They'll probably name a dam
or a vacuum cleaner
after him some day, but--
he wasn't cut out
for what lies ahead.
I know times are hard.
Some of you
are probably wondering
where your next
meal is coming from, or
who your next employer
is going to be.
Hey, hold my hole.
Back of the line--
wait for the glory hole.
You-- glory hole four.
Shh, wait, wait.
I got to hear what
he's got to say.
Me too.
or even if you're
going to be able
to buy your wife
flowers anymore.
[FART]
James,
stop crapping in that vase!
Sorry, Manny.
If your daddy wasn't President,
I'd steam your chest
like I was Grover Cleveland.
I want you to rest assured
that The Delano
is going to handle shit.
I've got a new deal for you.
I vow
to end the recession
and get every American
working again.
How the hell's
he going to do that?
How the hell am I going
to do that, you ask?
I'm going to
close our borders
and block foreigners
from coming in
and taking away jobs
from Americans.
I'm going to give incentives
to farmers who provide us
with healthy food.
And last, but not least,
I'm going to end prohibition.
I want to be able to come home
after a hard day's work
and drink a glass
of whiskey and milk
like a goddamn man!
You hear that, darling?
We don't have to make
toilet wine anymore.
Put the kiddies to sleep.
Parents,
push your beds together.
And know when you wake up,
you will wake up
to a new America.
This is The Delano,
signing off.
God bless.
You're off the air,
Mr. President.
Jesus, Frank, what was that?
I was freestyling again, son.
Gangsta, wasn't it?
Parents pushing
their beds together--
that is disgusting.
Oh, come on, Eleanor.
I think by now
the American people
know that babies do not
come from storks.
Hell, we have six kids.
Let's make a seventh
one, tonight.
Ooh! Ooh!
You're sick.
I'm going to tend the children.
I loved your speech,
Mr. President.
Thank you.
I don't know, Frank,
shutting down the borders,
ending prohibition.
Sir, speaking of prohibition,
I think there's something
you need to see--
the FBI would like to have
a word with you.
Ooh, all right, Captain Ominous.
The fucking guy.
[CLANK]
Oh, way to go, Einstein.
Our scientist, Albert Einstein--
a real jackass.
Mr. President, may I present
Douglas MacArthur,
Chief of Staff
of the United States Army.
Mr. President,
Call me Frank.
Dougie Mac.
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
My father was a midget
so, I'll keep it short.
I heard your speech about ending
prohibition, earlier.
Dope, wasn't it?
I was freestyling.
And I can go along with that
when we fuck all those bastards
who wanted prohibition
in the first place.
But unfortunately sir,
you can't end it right now.
Why not?
What we have here
is a pale lager.
And apparently it's been shipped
from overseas.
Now, some college students
have bootlegged it
and drank it,
and have been wolfing out.
Well, what did you do to them?
We killed them!
Is that legal?
We're the United States
Government-- anything's legal
Fuck yeah.
Now we ran some tests on this
and sure enough we did find
some small traces
of werewolf blood in it.
And the beer itself
came back German.
Same as the wolf.
Motherfucker!
And that's not all.
We got a report that some kids
went full on beast mode
after drinking some wine.
So, we tested that, as well.
And it came back Italian.
Polluted with wolf blood.
Doesn't make any sense, Dougie.
Tell me about it.
Oh, and there was
a lone case of sake
that was found
in the freighter.
Untouched, obviously.
Obviously.
Anybody drank that,
they'd come down
with a fast case
of dick-in-the-mouth.
Chief symptom--
foaming at the ass.
They'd start smelling
in the testicular area.
Shut the fuck up, Einstein!
Damn!
Now, I know this may
sound crazy, Mr. President,
but we think that Germany
and Italy and Japan
are joining forces
to form a kind of axis of power
to take over the world
and turn everyone
into werewolves.
Thundercunt!
Yes, it's a real fuckery!
That same freighter is back
unloading at a warehouse
on a dock in Baltimore.
I have a team of my men
standing by.
No, that won't be necessary.
I got this shit on lock.
I had a feeling
you were going to say that.
Heard you were
a real hard-core S.O.B.
You know, don't let
this limp fool you.
I'm as street as they come.
You cross me and the
motherfuckers come undone.
No tux, no cummerbund.
Respect-- Einstein, the chair.
The chair?
I call this the Delano 2000.
Oh, shit.
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about!
Welcome to death row, gentlemen.
Ha-ha!
This chair is fully tricked-out
with two rocket launchers,
as well as 164 rounds
of silver bullets
inside the wheel wells,
that when spun, activate
a machine gun-like intensity.
Why do you call it
the Delano 2000?
Because with this
the Delano is going to blow
those werewolf asses
into the next century!
Regulators, mount up.
Hey Paulie, what the fuck?
Will you watch
what you're doing!
You're going to spill that shit,
you fucking mook.
Now that would be a shame.
Wouldn't it?
FDR.
Wow.
Surprised to see
you here.
Hey, how's that polio
treating you, huh?
Hey, I heard you were
on your last leg.
But I thought you were
a stand-up guy.
I'm sorry, is that your face
or are you talking
out of a vagina?
You crippled motherfucker!
Get him!
Okay, okay, okay!
Please, don't kill me, please.
Oh, well, since you're being
so nice and saying, "please,"
the least I can do
is offer you a drink.
All right!
What the hell do you want, huh?
I'll do anything.
I'll suck your dick.
What?
I'll suck your dick.
Please!
Get the fuck out of here
and show some respect
for yourself, man!
Thank you, thank you,
Mr. President.
And tell your leader,
if I see another werewolf
on American soil,
I am personally going
to come over there,
roll down the streets, and kill
every last motherfucker
I see with a face comb-over.
Do you hear me!
The Delano don't give a fuck!
Boss,
Eh, what's the matter
with you?
I'm making cannoli,
you scared me out of my skin.
I mean,
I know we're werewolf,
but have some couth,
for Chris sake, huh?
I'm sorry, boss.
How did the drop off go?
Not too good, boss.
You see, Roosevelt showed up
and uh... he sort of killed
everyone.
How the hell he kill everybody?
The guy got polio,
for fuck sake!
That's just it--
he rolled up in some kind
of tricked-out
wheel-fucking chair
with machine guns
and missile contraptions.
I don't know.
But you still alive--
how do you do that, eh?
You suck the dick?
Oh, you suck the dick?
Oh, you suck the dick, Vincent.
No suck the dick.
Eh, Vincenzo,
do me a favor.
You take a little plug
over there,
you stick it in the wall
in the hole that says Hitler.
Yeah, I make a call, go ahead.
Yeah, sure, boss.
Anything else, boss?
No, I'm good, Vincenzo.
[SIGHS]
[RINGING]
You got to take a drink.
Hitler, it's Moose.
Shit got fucked up.
FDR, he iced everybody.
Scheisse, I told you that guy
was ein badass.
What do you
suggest we do?
You already know
my answer.
It rhymes with go
to fucking war.
Big shock, there.
You talk
to Hirohito?
No, I'll get him
on the 3-way.
Oh, scheisse!
Are you playing beer pong again
with the big-titty girl?
Who me? [LAUGHS]
No, we're just working on
plans to kill Jews. Ah.
Get me Hirohito.
[RINGING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hiro, it's Moosie
and Hitler.
Excellent, how did
the mission go?
Is Franklin dead?
No, he sniffed out
our plan
and kill all
my mafia guys
before they had a chance
for the beer and the wine
to spill
and take effect.
Did anyone think--
Sir, this package just
came for you.
Did I not kill you already?
No, sir, we do not
all look alike.
I'm on 3-way long distance!
I'm sorry, sir,
but this is from America.
There's a card that's
from the White House
Hold on, guys.
Son of bitch!
I say we go to war.
If we spread
the werewolf virus
across to neighboring
countries,
we can take over
the world slowly
and we crush him!
Yes, finally someone
who gets it.
Hito, you are awesome.
I'll start with Austria,
Czechoslovakia,
und then we march
into Poland for lunch.
I will take over China.
Cool, I'll take
Ethiopia.
What!
You fucking pussy.
Ethiopia, really?
What, Ethiopia
is strong.
Great runners--
guys run very fast.
Plus, Hitler,
you going to need
somebody coming up
from the south
when they retreat down.
Yeah, well, it's kind of ein
bitch move, but whatevers.
Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.
Eh, fuck you guys.
Eh? Moosehead out.
Drink up, bitch,
salute the fuhrer--
Heil me, Heil me.
Are you playing beer pong?
[MAKES GUTTURAL SOUNDS]
Can't hear you--
bad reception.
Now, where were we, Fraulein?
The werewolfs are
spreading fast.
That's why I came here
in person, he needs our help.
Have you ever met him?
No, but I heard he's
a big drinker.
Who isn't?
Well, I've invited Buford
and his wife to join us.
Hopefully,
he'll help break the ice.
Who's this--
Frank, I came as soon
as I got your message.
Oh, hello, Congressman
Cleavon Baybridge Buford,
Repube, Georgia--
also vice-president
of the hot tub committee.
My wi-- well, I'm sorry,
Dougie Mac, is that you?
No, I don't think we've met.
Oh, sure we have.
You did a cannonball
into the hot tub last week
when the Swiss delegates
were there.
No, I think you're thinking
of someone else.
You're hung like
a full-grown ox.
That's Dougie Mac!
Mr. President,
may I present to you,
Sir Winston Churchill.
You guys are drinking.
And during a time like this.
Jesus, honestly,
had I known this,
I would have come earlier.
Rosey, you old son of a bitch.
Oh, Winny, Winny,
it's nice to meet you.
Buford, would you pour him
a drink?
Yes, sir, in just
a moment, sir.
I bring my own.
Well, that's my kind
of man, yes.
Call this the Georgia sweet tea.
Thank you, Mrs. Buford.
Boy, this drink is as stiff
as a dead man's cock.
Thank you, sir.
I take great pride in that.
My father passed away
with an erection.
Look, Rosey,
I'm going to cut through
all the dumb shit--
we're at war.
And these goddamn werewolves
are getting
closer and closer to us
by the day.
So, what do you need
from The Delano?
Supplies, ammo, ships, tanks--
anything you can spare that will
stop these fucking things!
And look, we're the only ones
who speak English
over in Europe.
You need us to be
werewolf free.
Ireland speaks English.
You need someone
you can understand.
Half the time I don't
even know
what these potato fuckers
are trying to say.
Look, just lend me something
that will blow their minds.
Fine, I will lend you my wife.
I will do it for my country.
Thank you dear lady.
But I actually need
real weapons.
Are you saying my wife's breasts
aren't real weapons?
They have killed lesser men.
They're powerful, sir, but I
need weapons
of steel and smoke and noise.
Well, you can motorboat them
if you want
and make your own noises.
Well, let me level
with you, Winnie--
I want those sons of bitches
wiped off the face of this earth
just as much as you do.
But I have to justify this
to the American people.
Dougie, do we got
any extra shit?
Sure, we can open up some more
defense plants too.
Frank, there's an election
coming up.
No offense, Mr. Churchill, but
we can't just lend it to you.
But we could lease it to you.
And whatever you use,
you pay for.
So it would be sort of a--
a lend-lease kind of program?
Exactly.
You've got a deal!
Oh, damn, go Winnie!
Also, uh...
I could lease you my wife.
Yeah, whatever holes you use,
you pay for.
I think we'll all take
that deal.
To the hot tub!
Yes, sir, to the hot tub.
Did you bring cash?
Mr. President,
Uh-huh.
I have an urgent telegram
from Churchill.
Please read it aloud.
[SHOUTS]
Rosey, it's me!
No, I didn't mean loud.
Just read it normally.
Rosey, it's me,
Winnie has his head stuck
in the honey pot on this one.
Need troops.
Send Miss Buford over too.
XO, W.C.
Oh, shit.
I was afraid of this.
I was trying to keep us
out of this damn war
as long as I could.
Being President
of the free world is--
oh, it's so stressful.
I bet-- sir, anything
that I can do?
How about a massage?
That would be rad.
No, what are you doing? Don't.
Don't, no, they're all
shriveled-up from polio.
I don't mind-- just sit and relax.
Don't-- don't.
Shh-hhh
Oh, God, that feels so good.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
[GROANS]
Eleanor hates my tiny, little,
shriveled-up polio legs.
I don't.
Oh God!
They remind me of home!
Huh?
I used to enter the hot dog
eating contest
every year at Coney Island.
So sexy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
[GROANS]
Tie me, Frank, tie me!
Frank,
What the shit?
It's not what it seems, unh-unh.
Oh, it's not?
Because it looks like
your secretary is sucking
mustard and ketchup off of you.
Then it is what it seems.
And it looks
like Eleanor Roosevelt
is going to have
to strong arm a ho!
Get the fuck out of here,
I need to talk
to my husband, bitch!
Really, Franklin.
Jesus.
Oh, my God, just look
at yourself.
You are President
of the United States!
Frank! Ooh.
What is it, Louis?
MacArthur's here with General
Eisenhower-- says it's urgent.
Oh, of course,
it's always fucking urgent!
Well, I--
Well, I, oh-- by all means, go.
And if they ask you
what happened here,
just tell them a rainbow
took a shit on your legs.
[CRIES]
Do you have a handkerchief,
Louis?
I think it's going to take
a full-blown shower, chief.
Talk to her--
Eleanor's more important.
I'll make the Generals wait.
Jesus.
General, General...
wait.
Oh, so this is what
this room looks like.
I wouldn't know because you've
never let me sleep in here.
Don't you dare try to turn this
around on me.
I saw that whore on her knees
rubbing and moaning all over you
as she touched your le--
What?
My what, Eleanor?
Say it.
I want you to say it.
Your le-- le-- le--
Legs-- my tiny, little,
shriveled-up polio legs!
Eleanor, take a good look
at them!
No.
Look at them.
I can't, it's just too hard, Frank.
Is it?
Is it hard for you, Eleanor?
What about me?
I'm stuck
in this damn wheelchair
for the rest of my life
with a wife
who doesn't want to have
sex with me.
I may be the only President
in the history
of the United States
who's never
gotten laid in office.
And this is my third term!
Now, am I going to ball
the secretary,
who obviously has daddy issues,
of course I am!
Because, at least,
she shows some interest in me.
Did you honestly believe
that I thought
that you had to tend
to the children
every night
for the last nine years?
Eleanor, we have one kid
who's old enough
to shit in a vase!
I know.
Excuse me.
I have to go tend
to an entire nation.
Damn you, Frank!
At ease, gentlemen, sit.
What's the haps, Dougie Mac?
And who the fuck is this?
This is General
Dwight Eisenhower,
call sign-- Dew Drop.
Mr. President,
it is a pleasure for me
to be here--
Let's keep the pleasantries to
the left hand on your clam bag.
You know, I'm surprised to see
you boys here this late.
This better be important.
Well, sir, I only wish
we were here to tell you
about some hot dog eating
contest that's gone wrong.
But we're not.
What the fuck did you just say?
Come here.
Come here.
Come here-- a little closer.
Yes, sir.
I can fucking weigh you down,
pretty boy!
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Okay, all right.
You still got it, you old
son of a bitch-- good!
We're going to need your spirit.
For what?
War!
I got this telegram
from Churchill.
Shit is fucked up
over there.
He's not going to be able
to hold out much longer.
They're converging from all
angles, Mr. President.
Germany has already taken
Austria, Czechoslovakia,
Poland, and France
is likely next.
Of course, they're pussies.
Japan has taken
complete control of China
and now, they're focusing
on Russia.
I also got a telegram
from Missy, from your secretary,
from the Prime Minister
of Ethiopia.
Italy has taken them over
and I dismissed it because--
Because it's fucking Ethiopia.
In all seriousness, sir,
I know you've been trying
to avoid going to war
for years, but now--
We must blast
their fucking asses!
Player to player, pimp to pimp,
I appreciate it.
Well, let me put my mind
on the grind
while you unwind--
just for tonight.
I'll go fireside
on their ass tomorrow
and when the American people
come home from work,
I'll tell them...
that we're going to war.
I want you two to strategize
a plan of attack.
And we'll reconvene at O. H.!
[BOTH] R.O.
I'll catch you
in the heart of things.
Mr. President.
Mr. President, do you need
anything before bed, sir?
You got anything that will
tell me what to do
with this fucking mess
I'm in, right now?
Third drawer down on the right--
Washington's humidor.
It'll give you advice
on everything you need to know.
What kind of shit
were you into, G-dubs?
Oh.
[MALE VOICE] Jane, Mary Jane,
Mary Jane, how I miss you.
Over here, boss.
You going to choke on that
like a prom date
or are you going to give
The Honest One some?
Oh, shit, I'm high.
Yeah, that's rad.
Would you pass that dutchie
to the right-hand side--
I've been dead for 75 years
there, chief.
Thanks, dude.
Why don't you come with me?
We're going to talk.
Are you real?
No, only when other presidents
are in time of crisis
and need advice.
Oh, man, that is so cool.
Yeah.
There's this president in
the next century-- Uh-huh.
Obama-- he's going to be talking
to me a lot.
Oh, man, you got
a raw deal
with that whole
John Wilkes Booth thing.
Mary Todd had to go
to that fucking play.
Bitch.
Hey it sounds like
you did any better.
Where?
What has two wheels,
looks gay, and isn't a bicycle?
This guy.
D'oh!
Well played, sir,
well played.
Oh, fuck, Linc, I'm in a real
shit-pickle with the missus.
She caught me playing hide
the wrench in the steam engine
with my secretary.
I know, I saw that.
What?
You bastard, you were watching?
Of course.
You were about two minutes away
from her throwing your legs
over her head.
Somebody had told me
that the Japanese,
that their werewolves
are teaming up
with the German
and the Italian werewolves
and they're trying
to take over the world.
But I just can't
figure out why.
Now, you were attacked,
right?
Do you have any insight
on the werewolf tip?
Werewolves-- they're
telepathic-- always have been.
They can sense when someone's
born with true greatness--
someone who's a revolutionary.
That's what they see in you.
It's what they saw in me.
It's what they saw
in Washington.
Hey, what, did they attack
G-thing too?
That's why he left
his weed.
That's why I could have
this talk with him,
and so, you could have
this talk with me.
Why didn't they go
after Woodrow?
Oh, I mean, he was, you know,
there for World War I.
That was a bitch war.
We really didn't need
to be in that shit.
G-dub was a rocking
revolutionary.
I laid the beat down on civil
and you're the man.
You are the man to lead us
through the deuce.
Oh, shit, I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.
I'm just freestyling
half the time.
I just do what I feel is right.
I didn't know what the fuck
I was doing.
Shit.
I thought so.
Don't worry, man,
I just did what I believed
in my heart.
You do the same
and you'll be straight.
You're one
cool motherfucker, Linc.
I know.
You are, man,
you are.
You want to see something cool?
What's that?
I can fucking fly.
This is awesome!
Isn't it?
Hey look, there's my monument.
Is there going to be a statue
like that of me?
No, no, no, but they're
going to name like,
a thousand high schools
after you.
That's cool.
Yes, it is.
Hey, Hey, check it out.
There's a hot dog vendor.
You-- you hungry?
Hey, FDR, this is for you,
Roosevelt.
Yeah!
Oh, you fucker!
[GUFFAWS]
Oh, shit.
What?
Look at them.
What's up, Abe?
Thanks for freeing me.
Look, I'm fucking a white girl.
You're welcome.
Emancipate that ass.
You know this, kid.
God damnit, you are cool.
I know.
Here you go, Sam.
Who's that?
That's Uncle Sam,
the bald eagle of justice.
Why don't you grab on to those
wings and he'll carry you home.
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm too heavy.
No, if he can handle Taft,
he can certainly handle you.
Come on there, Frankie,
grab one of those wings
of justice.
Grab on and he'll take you home.
No, I can't.
No, I can't, no.
You can do it.
I can't, I can't--
oh, shit!
Hey!
You weren't honest at all!
[YELLS]
You okay, sir?
I had this weird dream.
Louis, get Dougie Mac
and Ike on the phone.
Right away, sir.
Scrambled eggs and sausage, sir?
You look like
you have the munchies.
Oh, that sounds good.
Jorge,
Si, senor.
Respect.
For what?
Let's get wet.
Louis, you got him?
Our drop point
is right here, gentlemen.
And once you hit
the ground
you have to hit
the ground running.
Our element
of surprise,
it's only going
to last so long
once they finally
figure out
that we're actually launching
a full-scale attack.
Attention!
I got it from here, Ike.
I know what you're thinking,
as you stare at that map.
Hell, I'm thinking
the same thing.
How in the world
are we going to storm
the beaches of Normandy,
take down an entire army
of werewolves,
and still make it to a French
titty-bar by last call?
At ease, gentlemen.
I am not going to tell you
that there aren't
going to be casualties,
or that it's going to be easy.
Because it's not.
Unfortunately, that is
the business of war.
I can't change that.
But I can lead by example.
And not the example
of somebody
who has survived
a werewolf attack
and now wheels back and forth
in front of you
like a God damn cripple
in a wheel chair!
That's right--
take a good look.
Cripple in a wheelchair!
Cripple in the wheelchair!
I could have heard that
my entire life
as people waited on me
hand and foot.
And there's nothing wrong
with that.
Except I wanted more--
I wanted to be the President
of the United States.
I wanted to lead
this great nation of ours
in its darkest hour.
And now I am going to lead
you into war.
I am going to fly
the first plane in
and lead our troops
onto the beach.
"Why would you do this?"
you might ask.
Not because I'm President
of the United States.
Not because it's
the heroic thing to do.
I am doing this to prove
to those werewolves,
that despite their attack,
I am not just
going to sit here
like some cripple
in a wheelchair!
Now look,
I know that you're scared.
Hell, I'm afraid too.
But I want you to remember...
we have nothing
to fear, but...
fear itself.
Now, let's go kick
some werewolf ass tomorrow!
Hito's been handled,
he won't bother us anymore.
Word.
Yep.
Fucking Einstein--
That project he was working on
in Manhattan is ready.
Way to go, Einstein.
Let me go with you.
No, Lou, The Delano's
got to do this on his own.
I'm a motorcycle of death.
I ain't got no sidecar.
I know.
Chair's all loaded
with silver Bs.
Rockets are loaded.
You're all set.
Thanks, man.
Oh, Lou, I just want you
to know,
if anything happens to me,
take care of my mistress,
will you?
I have a spare key
for the Lincoln bedroom
underneath the mat,
but you might want to change
the sheets first, though.
Okay.
Word.
Word.
Give them hell, Frank!
Yeah!
Tower one, this is
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
call sign-- Wheels of Steel.
Ready for take off.
[RADIO]
Roger that, Mr. President.
This is
Commander Winston Churchill,
call sign--
Big Fish and Chips.
You're clear for take off.
Winnie, you old son of a bitch,
what are you doing in there?
Do you think I'd miss this?
If I wasn't drunk and blind,
I'd be up there with you,
right now.
I appreciate that, Churchie.
No retreat.
No fucking surrender!
God damn right!
Now, go over there and blow
those fucking werewolves
off the face of the planet!
Over and out.
May God be with you, Frank.
Oh, come on, George.
I'm fidgeting here
like a three-peckered puppy
in a wood chipper.
Hold on, hold on,
I'm almost there.
[RADIO]
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
I think that's him.
So, I said to Stalin,
"I don't care
if you are Russian,
you can't grab
another man's cock at dinner
and say, 'Sorry, I thought
that was my breadstick.'"
You know? [LAUGHS]
That's him all right.
[CHURCHILL] Commies, what are
you going to do with them?
They're all dick grabbers.
They love it.
All right, Frank,
you're approaching France.
Let's go silent on the radio
unless it's necessary-- over.
[FRANK]
Over and out.
Get a hold of him?
Yeah, I think Stalin
got a hold of him, personal.
That is enough, George.
Sorry, go back to standing
in the corner and being black.
How are you, Eleanor?
I'm hanging in there.
I'm just so worried.
Yeah.
Can't imagine what
you must be feeling.
Boss, boss, it's FDR.
Whoop, what the fuck?
[CHURCHILL]
What is it, Frank?
I'm under attack.
Jesus Hightower Christ,
they're lighting me up like
an Indian peace pipe
before the first
Thanksgiving dinner!
God damnit, Frank,
get the hell out of there!
I can't, there's
too much fire power.
These fucking werewolves
are relentless.
Ha ha, it's time to go
cripple-dick crazy
on these motherfuckers!
I was going to open
a chain of Italian
restaurants in America
with a staff that make
you feel like family.
I was going to call
the Olive...
Garden.
What kind of name
is Delano, anyway?
It sounds Jewish!
Oh, oh, shit.
Shit, I'm hit, I'm hit.
[CHURCHILL] Talk to me, Frank, Talk to me.
The right engine is out.
[FRANK]
I'm going down.
I'm going down.
I'm going down!
Frank!
Mayday! Mayday!
This is
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
call sign-- Wheels of Steel,
I'm going down!
I'm going down!
I got to bail out--
too much firepower.
I don't know if I'm going--
[RADIO NOISE]
[SOBS]
No--
I am a President's wife.
I knew what I was getting into
when he took the job.
George,
Yes, mam.
could you get me the bottle
that Mr. Daniels sent over?
Yes, mam.
Thank you.
[WHISPERS]
Cheers.
I'm sure he's all right.
He's got to be all right--
it's Frank, right?
[ELEANOR BELCHES]
Come here, you son of a bitch.
I got your back, Frank.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I stashed myself away in there
just in case you might
need some help.
Oh!
Plus, I wouldn't miss
a chance
to help you kill
some werewolves.
Hold on, I'm going to get
you out of here.
Underneath the arms.
Friends until the end, Frank.
Friends until the end!
Hang on, Frank, I'm going to get
you out of here.
You ready, Frank?
Red-eye!
Follow me!
Wow, we're really high up here,
aren't we, Frank?
We're really doing it.
We're going into war.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
What?
Hey, Frank,
remember when I said,
"Friends until the end?"
Yeah.
well, this is the end.
I'm not wearing
a parachute.
I'm definitely
going to die.
You're a hero, Cleavon.
I'll make sure
people know that.
I appreciate that, Frank.
And Frank,
take care of my wife for me.
No doubt.
Oh.
Down with Americans.
You want The Delano, bitch!
You got The Delano,
motherfucker!
Fuck you, Roosevelt, fuck you!
Picture me rolling!
What's up, Hitler?
[RADIO] It's been 16 days since
President Roosevelt's plane
went down over Normandy
and there's still
no sign of the old stalwart.
At this point most have begun
to fear the worst--
that our beloved FDR
has been killed.
Turn that God damn thing off.
I can't bear it, anymore.
I'm back.
I have a nice crme brle
and a chocolate mousse.
I'll take the chocolate mousse if
you-- Get the fuck out of here.
Bet if I was white
I could have had
a chocolate mousse.
Who ordered the burnt honky
with the side of polio?
For God's sake, Frank.
What?
Somebody die?
Oh yeah, Mussolini and Hitler,
I capped those bitches.
Oh, Frank, I knew it!
What the hell happened
out there?
Well, my plane was shot to shit,
so I had to go rogue --
I had to go with an old-school
ground attack.
There were werewolves
everywhere.
I just never took my finger
off the trigger.
It was a hell of a battle,
hell of a battle!
Were you captured? You've been
missing for 16 days.
No, I killed Hitler
and Mussolini right off--
and most of their soldiers.
I was cool until I had to wheel
myself out of there.
Do you know how hard it is
to maneuver a wheelchair
through sand?
[LAUGHS]
Eleanor, are you okay?
You haven't said anything.
Aren't you happy to see me?
Damn you, damn you,
don't you ever put me through
anything like that again!
Ooh, come here!
Come here.
[BAWLS]
Sh-hhh, I told you, baby,
ain't nobody going to take down
The Delano.
I'm going to ride you
like a free pony
at the state fair,
tonight.
Frank, should we leave?
I'm cool to stay.
Oh, no, actually, George,
I want you to rig up the radio.
Daddy wants to go fireside.
Right away, sir.
Back in the saddle, Frankie.
My fellow Americans,
[RADIO] this is your President,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
As you know, we are at war.
And as your President,
I felt the need to lead
our troops into battle--
a battle which
we successfully won.
The fight against werewolves
is over!
For those of you who thought
I was gone,
allow me to reintroduce
myself--
It's Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
motherfucker!
Now, the whole country
is in a panic.
We've been summoned
to the White House
knowing that the World War
is upon us.
Well, he comes bursting
down the stairs
with his dick resting
over a hanger shouting,
"Does this look too wrinkled
to wear into Congress?"
But that was Woodrow Wilson
for you.
He just didn't give a fuck.
The next day
we entered World War I,
and the bitch of it is...
I never got my iron back.
We got movement.
What do you think Bronson,
is this our grizzly?
Can't tell.
It's moving between the trees
too quickly.
Have a look Governor Roosevelt.
Oh, my God!
What is it?
Werewolf!
Everybody run!
[GROWLS]
We're all going to die!
Don't panic, we just got to make
it back to the cabin.
Wait! Wait!
Why me?
I'm fat and weak.
Probably for exactly
that reason.
No!
Let's get some, boys. No, we
got to keep moving, Frank.
They carry polio.
[GROWLS]
[GROANS]
Fuck polio.
Good shot, old boy.
Did you put silver bullets
in that thing, Frank?
No, why?
That's why. Run!
Oh, shit.
Sweet Jesus!
What the shit?
Ooh!
Why even spend the time
to do that?
Frank, we got to get
the hell out of here.
No chair lift,
we're never going to make it.
We're going to have to go
old school on this.
This isn't a time for that--
we need silver bullets.
[YELLS]
Oh, sick goblins!
Frank, I'm sorry.
Tell Eleanor I love her.
Eleanor has silver bullets.
Eleanor.
Frank, stay with me.
Stay with me, Frank.
Frank, Frank,
stay with me, Frank.
Please.
[GASPS]
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I thought
you were dead, Frank.
Ain't nobody going to take down
The Delano, Kitten Tits.
Kitten Breasts, Frank.
Hey, Frank, how you feeling?
Like a bag full of dicks
at a lesbian convention.
Oh, language, Franklin.
[FRENCH ACCENT] Eh, Comme sucka des
dicks at a convention de lesbian.
Oh, that's better.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Easy Lou, just me.
Put that hamster back
in its cage.
Glad to see you awake,
Governor Roosevelt.
Let me just say, on behalf
of the great State of New York,
it is our honor--
Cut the shit, doc.
If I wanted smoke
blown up my ass,
I would have spread my cheeks
and jammed a whistling teapot
up there.
Why can't I feel my legs?
When the werewolf attacked you
and bit your leg,
it released a small stream of--
You've got the polio, Frank.
Does my cock still work?
Yes, I had one of the nurses
run tests.
Well,
why is everybody looking
so down? Cock works.
I'll be up and at it
in no time.
Oh, in two weeks, Lou,
I want a rematch
of that 100 yard dash,
you son of a bitch.
I'm going to get you this time!
I'm going to get you!
Frank, Frank,
you're not hearing me.
You'll never be able
to walk again.
What?
That's the thing
about werewolf attacks--
where you're bitten is where
the polio sets in.
In your case...
it's your legs.
[GASPS] Oh!
God, no.
Why?
Why did you have to give him tiny,
little, shriveled-up polio legs?
Why, why!
I love you Eleanor,
but you got to just
shut-the-fuck-up
when grown men
are conversing!
Fortunately, Louis got you
to the hospital
before the polio spread
to your--
Good looking out, Lou.
On the reels,
I'll never walk again?
Can't something be did?
If I'm going to give you real
barbershop talk,
no rashes, no chalk--
with rehabilitation
you might be able to stand
with leg braces--
possibly a cane.
But you will never again walk
without guided assistance.
Well, fuck it then! Just get
a goddamn hacksaw up here
and cut my legs off and sew them
on his goddamn body!
Oh, let's do that.
Keep your pants on, Louis.
That isn't how this works.
There's nothing more we can do.
Mr. Roosevelt,
I'm so very sorry.
Eleanor can take you home
this afternoon.
All right, thank you, doctor.
Louis, can I see you
out in the hallway for a moment?
[ELEANOR WHINES]
Shut up.
What's the skinny, pill pusher?
It's not good for me to leave the Gov by himself.
There's something I need
to show you.
Do not grab your dick and ask me
to guess the temperature.
Motherfucker, I'm not playing
hide the keys
from the jailer either,
understand?
Put the gun away.
What I'm about to show you
affects not only
Governor Roosevelt,
but possibly all of mankind.
I don't understand--
why are we in the morgue?
This is what I wanted
to show you.
What the fuck, bro?
Sorry, wrong one.
This is what I wanted
to show you.
That thing's dead, right?
Yes, I had a male nurse
check him out.
I won't go into details,
but I owed him a favor.
Anyway, while he was
shaving him, he found this.
Is that a belly tattoo
of a swastika?
The detail's amazing--
Those fucking Germans, man,
their craftsmanship
is unmatched.
How do you know the werewolf
is German?
Besides the swastika,
we found this on him.
But why?
We're not at war with Germany
anymore-- this doesn't add up.
I'm not a mathematician,
I'm a damn doctor!
And I didn't train on wolves.
Plus, he's a German.
We have to call in
the authorities.
You shut that whole
spitting shit
out of your face,
do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
Yes.
Good, now--
I'm going to pull my Model A
around the back
while you bag
this son of a bitch up.
Then you are going to help me
load him into the automobile.
And if you breathe a word
of this to the press out there,
so help me God, I will come up
in here with an axe
I will split your ass in two
like a Granny Smith apple.
Do you understand me?
Yes!
Good.
The Governor's had a bad day.
I don't want him seeing any
of this shit.
Bag that evidence with it too.
I've had a bad day too.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
Doctor Bender
to the mental ward, please.
I don't know if I could spend
the rest of my life
in that goddamn thingy.
I know, sweetie.
When we get out of here,
I say we get a second opinion
about attaching Louis's legs
to your body.
[CROWD CHANTING]
FDR, FDR, FDR...
What the hell is that?
FDR, FDR...
Looks like a crowd
is gathered outside.
And they're holding signs
for you--
to run for President,
FDR, FDR, FDR...
among other things.
Hey, Frank, you got a minute?
Yeah, sure-- what the hell's
going on out there.
It's pandemonium, people are
going shit house, Frank.
You're all over the news.
We got to get you
out there, boss.
Let the people know
you're all right.
I can't.
At least not in that thing.
Mr. Roosevelt, there's someone out
here that would like to see you.
Unless it's your identical twin,
not right now.
It's a ten-year-old boy, Timmy.
He's stricken with polio.
Werewolf attack?
No, he had a prolonged virus
in his intestinal track.
Well, mine's kind of braver--
sorry.
Frank.
Oh, all right, I'll see him.
God.
Hi, Mr. Roosevelt.
Please call me Governor.
Okay, Gov, Gov, Governor.
Oh, Jesus, is polio going to
make me stutter too?
Oh, no, that's a separate
problem
he's dealing with, as well.
Oh, thank God.
Wha-- why aren't you
in a wheelchair?
Well, Tommy,
Timmy.
Timmy, I uh...
I was just waiting for you
to come in
and push it to me.
Did you hear that, son?
Bring the Governor
his wheelchair.
Independent.
There you go.
Well, now we're
twi, twi, twi, twins.
Thanks for taking the time,
Governor.
It sure means a lot to him.
I bet it does.
Well, hmm,
take care of yourself, Tommy-- Timmy.
Timmy.
And why don't you drop
by the mansion
on the sixth Tuesday in July
and we'll have a catch?
Thank you.
Yes.
[STUTTERS] Are you going
to run for President,
Mr. Roosevelt?
You're the only one
who can save us.
FDR, FDR, FDR...
Are you sure you want
to do this, Frank?
I'm sure.
I've got it from here.
How you feeling, Governor?
Like a one dollar bill,
never better.
What was it like being attacked
by a werewolf?
About the same
as having your money
in the stock market,
these days.
Hey, Governor Roosevelt,
there hasn't been a werewolf
attack on a public figure
since Abraham Lincoln in 1860.
Why now?
Ask him.
Oh, no, wait-- head blown off.
Almost forgot about that.
But who am I kidding?
I'm not any better.
Marco... polio.
Hey, all kidding aside,
Mr. Roosevelt, Yep.
you plan on running
for President?
And if you win,
how will it feel
to be the first invalid
ever elected?
Gee, Bob, if I had known you
were going to try to fuck me,
I would have had the hospital
dress me in a nicer gown.
Men are not prisoners
of their fate.
They are only prisoners
of their own mind.
And I will not allow you
to rape the prisoner
inside my mind.
And as far as invalids go--
oh, hell, the conservatives
in this country
have been invalids for years.
He's got that right.
I view this werewolf attack
not as an attack against me,
but an attack
against our nation.
And I will fight the problems
of this nation
with the same tenacity
that I used
to take down
that vicious beast.
So, today I toss my hat
into the ring
with the Democratic Party
to be the next President
of the United States.
God bless America.
FDR, FDR, FDR...
How was that?
It was good.
The part about the prisoner
was a little weird.
I was freestyling, son.
Oh, Frank!
Mrs. Roosevelt,
you're going to have to sit
up front on Franklin's lap.
Ooh.
Why?
Because there's a dead werewolf
in the trunk.
I'll explain later.
Did you debrief him?
Yes.
Cool.
I hate when I have to take
his boxers off.
Is he in bed?
Yes.
Where are you going?
I'm going to sleep
in the guest bedroom.
Do you really think
he should be alone right now?
I can't--
It's just--
His legs--
They're shriveled-up
like two-day-old hot dogs.
I don't want them
touching me.
Eleanor,
He is running for the Presidency
of the United States.
You are his wife
and a potential first lady.
So, what are you saying?
What I'm saying is you have got
to get your shit together!
Not just for Frank,
but for the good of the whole
country, do you hear me?
[WHISPERS] Yes.
A divorce will blow his chances
right out of the water
and that just can't happen.
There's too much at stake.
We think
there might still be more...
werewolves out there.
Are you serious?
I thought that was
an isolated attack.
We still don't know.
Oh.
Look,
we'll talk about it tomorrow.
Get some sleep.
Oh.
[KNOCKS]
Yes.
How you feeling, Frank?
Not too bad, actually.
Just getting used to getting
in and out of that chair.
Crawling into bed here, I was
as nervous as a 10-year-old
in a whore house.
I bet.
So,
Eleanor is tending
to the kids?
Yeah, she's probably
going to spend the night
with them tonight--
keep an eye on them.
They've had a pretty big scare.
They have? Shit, look at these!
Oh!
Frank, you've got to stop
doing that.
[CHUCKLES]
Here's the paper, by the way.
Thank you.
Let's see.
Oh, American hero
and werewolf killer,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
announces he's running
for President.
Thank you, mm-hmm.
I hope it mentions something
about my cock still working.
No.
Well, shit, call them up!
I want a press release
first thing in the morning.
Before we do that--
But--
let's leak them a picture too.
Before we do that, I have
something to discuss with you.
I don't think there's anything
more important than this.
It's about the dead werewolf.
Stuff it-- hang it
over the mantle.
Put it in the kids' room.
This is serious, Frank.
The doctors ran some tests
and they think
the werewolf might have come
from Germany.
What?
Yeah.
They found some markings
on it
and some literature
next to the body.
German...
why?
I don't know.
But don't you think it's odd
that the last attack
was on Abraham Lincoln
before he ran for President?
The only thing I find odd
is that there's no--
I'm serious, Frank.
I'm serious too, Lou,
I am serious!
All right, what should we do?
Should we call up the FBI
and have them--
No, no, no, I don't want Hoover
to be using
any bullshit German propaganda
against you in the election.
We'll just
get you elected first,
then we'll let them have
a look at the wolf.
In the meantime, I'll beef up
security on the campaign trail.
That's a good idea,
thank you, Lou.
Just keep the kids
out of the meat freezer
for a couple of months
Oh, Lou,
Yeah.
Cancel my soccer camp tomorrow.
I don't think
I'm going to be any good.
Oh, fuck you.
Pleasure.
Yes.
Here we go, there we go.
Excuse me, would you sign
my newspaper?
And does it work?
Damn straight-- the answer
to both those questions.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Lou.
Hey.
So, he reads the sign,
he gets all pissed off,
throws down his pickax
and helmet and starts to leave.
Well, she-- she runs
out of the brothel naked
and says, "No, we don't serve
minors.
You, sir, look well over 18."
[GROANS]
And we go.
Oh, I'm exhausted
and I can't even stand up.
God bless you guys.
Keep laughing, boys.
You think God blessed Tommy?
Hold on, fellows.
Who's Tommy?
Tommy-- Tommy used to work
on the docks.
Unions been on strike,
down on his luck.
It's tough.
So tough.
What happened to him?
Got so depressed,
he tried to off himself.
And who's taking care of him?
His wife, Gina.
Gina works the diner all day.
Working for--
Come over here,
come over here!
Sit on Uncle Frankie's lap.
Okay, sh-hhh.
Your Uncle Delano's going to fix
this shit.
You guys are the salt
of the earth.
The real people who make
this country run.
And I am not going to leave you
to live on a prayer!
[CHEERS]
Beautiful melons, mam.
They sure are ripe
for the picking.
I meant your tits.
So did I.
What in the hell is going on
down here?
Okay, Frank, got to get there.
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me, were you ogling
at my wife's breasts?
Mm-mm.
I don't mind if you were.
I just want to view it,
that's all.
Congressman Cleavon Baybridge
Buford-- Repube, Georgia.
Nice to meet you.
Yes, you too.
Did you just say Repube?
Mm-hmm, yes, sir.
You mean Republican?
No, sir.
The form I filled out when I ran
for congress said Repube on it.
It was a professional
form, sir.
It was typed on paper--
maybe even double-space.
I think you meant Repub,
short for Republican.
No, sir.
I saved the form, sir.
It is inside a folder
marked official on it.
So, I know that it is real.
Yes, but-- You're probably good then.
Let this one go, Frank.
Nice meeting you folks.
Oh, no stay for dinner.
We've got fried chicken
and fresh biscuits and okra.
I'll go down on you all.
It'll be a nice time.
Excuse me?
My cousin-- wife is excellent
at entertaining guests.
And even though I am a Repube,
it would be an honor to have
the next President
of the United States
over to our house for dinner,
possibly share our bed,
even if he is a Democrat.
No, we have a long campaign
ahead of us.
I don't think it's the--
Sir, I can assure you
that this is
a house where wolves
will not attack us.
Plus, I got some moonshine
which does not taste
like asshole grease.
Sold!
So I said to her
keep your back straight,
knees bent,
feet shoulder-width apart,
and keep your strokes
to a minimum.
Well, she can't golf
worth a shit
but she can give
a hell of a blow job.
It's true.
I'm looking at a big handicap
right now.
Ahhh, Cleavon,
so why do they call
this town Warm Springs?
Oh, Legend has it
that whenever a young Injun girl
becomes a woman,
you know, down there,
she will race toward the springs
and jump inside the water
and begin her menstruation
process.
It is said that the blood
collectively joining together
creates a natural warmth
that gives a man a feeling
as if he is back inside
a womb again.
It will invigorate him
and cause him to do things
that he could only do
when he was a fetus.
Is that true?
Is what true, sir?
The story you just told.
I am sorry,
I am quite inebriated
and I was unaware that I was
speaking out loud just now.
I am shamed.
Who want dessert?
We got peach cobbler,
rhubarb pie,
some southern
strawberry jam cake, and--
Excuse me, this doesn't
seem appropriate.
What is that, sir?
A black slave walking in
with a chalkboard
around his neck
with dessert choices on it.
It seems a little... racist.
These kind people
have taken me in,
given me an education,
shared their bed with me,
given me food,
and you have the nerve
to call them racist.
How dare you, sir?
I have merely been falling
behind on my writing,
so I asked if I may use
the chalkboard
to further my spelling,
and I have to deal with this?
I'm sorry, I--
I shall leave two incongruent
pieces of Georgia pine
next to your bed
in case you want to transfix
them together with twine
and light them ablaze
to make you feel at home, sir!
I didn't mean anything.
May I be excused, sir?
Yes, sure, Curtis.
I shall be in the garden
playing basketball,
should anyone need me.
So, Mr. Roosevelt,
may I escort you out
to the springs?
I think that you will find them
quite delightful.
I know that I do.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I think that would be
quite pleasant.
Mmm, Mrs. Buford,
will you show our esteemed
guest, Louis,
where our extra bathing
suits are?
Oh, that won't be necessary.
I like to be choked.
Mmm, indeed, sir.
Ah, this is remarkable,
I feel so invigorated.
It's like I have full movement
in my extremities again.
Kick your little old
legs, Frank.
Kick your little old legs.
Oh, yeah.
Legend has it
that the Injuns used to come
here to hide from werewolves.
Seems the wolves hate
warm water.
Is that real?
Because earlier you told me
another story about this place.
Mm?
I'm sorry, was I speaking
out loud again?
Yes.
God, shit, sometimes I think
that I am silent
when these thoughts
just flow between my lips.
I'm seeing a specialist
about it.
Anywho, my doctor recommended
that I come here
to relieve my polio
after my attack.
What?
Well, you were attacked too?
Mm-hmm, yes, sir--
up in the Appalachian Mountains.
I had taken my nephew, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter,
on a camping trip.
Well, in the middle of the night
I had awoken
to relieve myself with my hands.
When, all of a sudden,
out of the corner of my eye
I noticed this werewolf
running through the trees
over to the tent,
trying to kill him.
[GROWL]
Uncle Cleavon, Uncle Cleavon.
[FDR]
And what did he do?
Well, instincts kick in
at that point.
And I do the only thing that Cleavon
Baybridge Buford knows how to do,
which is to sprint
over to the tent,
pull out a small sterling
silver cheese knife
I keep tucked inside my pants
at all times,
and kill that son of a bitch
dead on the spot.
That, sir, was unnecessary.
And you are dead, sir.
Damn.
Well, I got a mild case
of the polio--
enough that I can walk
with a cane
as long as I have plenty
of Georgia peaches. Ah.
Peaches?
Mm-hmm.
Peaches, meet the next President
of the United States,
Mr. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Much obliged, sir.
Mam.
I didn't touch your wife.
Oh, that's okay.
Our votes are swing,
if you know what I mean.
Let's enjoy the springs,
shall we?
Here, here.
Enjoy the springs.
This, sir,
was a pleasure.
Well, the pleasure
was all mine.
And mine-- twice.
Thanks, Mrs. Buford.
You're mighty welcome, boys.
You all come back soon,
now, you hear.
And good luck on the rest
of the campaign.
Just know that this Repube
will be voting for you.
Cleavon, if I win,
how would you like
to come down to Washington
and serve
as my vice president...
of the hot tub committee.
Are you serious, sir?
Yes, we can always use
a good Repube
like you on the other side
of the aisle.
Sir, you have no idea
how much this would mean to me.
When I was a little boy,
I put a magic hat on a snowman.
And he came to life.
I blacked out, I got all dizzy
and fell over on the ground.
And when I came to,
I looked up
and the sky was filled
with different colors.
We were flying
through the air together,
kicking our little legs.
We were free.
We were free.
I have that same feeling
right now, sir.
Just say, "yes."
Yes-- yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
And sir, don't worry--
we will get you
the great State of Georgia.
I can promise you that, sir.
Even though this is a State
filled with Repubes,
I will take my wife
to every single town.
She and I will suck
as many dicks as it takes
to get these votes, sir.
That's how much you mean to me.
The experiences we had together,
I will never forget.
Just being friends, you know?
Not in a gay way,
just another politician,
you know?
Just shared
a warm bath together.
I will go door-to-door
and ask each and every person
to have a heart
and vote for FDR.
I will do that, sir.
I will do that.
Love the guy--
crazier than shit,
but I love him.
Thank you, sir.
[RADIO] And the results
are slowly coming in.
Here is what we know, so far--
Hoover has won Pennsylvania,
New Hampshire, Vermont,
Delaware, and Connecticut.
Ooh.
Roosevelt has managed to secure
New York, New Jersey, Virginia,
Tennessee, and Georgia.
Hah, hah!
Good old Cleavon Buford,
that son of a bitch did it!
I'll bet Mrs. Buford
carried a few favors too.
Who?
A Congressman we met--
and his wife, lovely people.
Southern.
Two more States have come in--
North and South Carolina
are for Roosevelt.
Yow!
Ah.
Daddy! Daddy!
I have great news.
Being gay is not
great news, James.
We are listening
to the results
to see if your father
is going to be President.
That's just it-- he won.
He won!
Hoover only carried six States.
You carried the rest
of the country.
If you're sniffing glue again,
I swear to God I'll beat you
with a fat man's belt
and wheel over you repeatedly
until you bleed
out of your eyes, nose and ears.
More State results are in--
Florida, Alabama,
Mississippi, Nebraska--
my God, man, every other State
except for Maine
has gone to Roosevelt.
Now, I am the most powerful man
in the world!
Suck it, bitches!
You can't walk.
I can't walk, I forgot.
Mr. President, secret service
agent, Dan Ru-- therford.
What... the... fuck?
Oh, shit.
What is wrong with you people?
Get it together, man.
I'm just fucking with you.
Woodrow Wilson did the same shit
when he was elected.
I knew it, I knew it!
But you should tell your son
to stop crapping in that vase.
That's pretty messed up, man.
James.
I'll give you 15 minutes
to collect yourselves.
Then I need to get you to
the White House, Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Yes!
Wipe yourself, James,
wipe yourself.
[RADIO] And it's official-- the new
President of the United States
is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Nein!
Turn that scheisse off.
I was afraid
this would happen.
Get Mussolini on the phone,
schnell!
Right away, Fuhrer.
[RINGING]
Rachel Ray's Beach
at Broadway and 7th location.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
What! What the fuck?
Whoa, hey,
this is America, Jack.
Who is this?
I'll come down there
and I'll get your fucking--
Sorry, Fuhrer,
wrong Italian.
That is a take-out place
in New York
that is quite delightful--
thin slices, crispy crust
but not overdone, it's--
[RINGING]
That's amore
Mussolini, it's the fuhrer.
Yah, heil me.
Did you hear
the news?
[ITALIAN ACCENT]
I heard all about that shit.
We should have taken him out
when we had the chance.
I sent my best man
to take him out
before he decided
to run.
But the polio only spread
to his legs.
What about the cock?
It still work?
Jah.
Ah, shit!
The last thing we need
is a big swinging dick
in the White House
trying to fuck up
a whole world takeover.
You are preaching
to the gas chamber on this one.
We already lost Franz.
Okay, hold the phone,
I'm going to get Hirohito
on a 3-way.
Get me Hirohito
on a 3-way.
[RINGING]
Hirohito's on 61st
and Madison.
Hello, who?
Hirohito's dry cleaner
on 61st and Madison.
What's the matter you?
Hey.
I'm so sorry, boss.
That's a dry cleaning place
I send out to in New York
for my uniform.
Perfect amount of starch--
not too much, not too little--
Hitler, is it too much to ask
to have a decent assistant
hate America like me?
[LAUGHS]
Tell me about it.
[RINGING]
[JAPANESE ACCENT]
Hello.
Hirohito, it's Moosie
and Hitler.
Ooh, you using that new 3-way
switchboard technology
my scientists invented.
I told you the Japanese
were good at electronics.
Yeah, you also make
a nice car
but better
you no drive, huh?
That's funny.
You heard about FDR?
He got elected.
Of course, I did.
And I'm not happy
about it!
Hitler, you were supposed
to take care of him.
If this is going to be
one of those
gang-up-on-Hitler calls,
I'm out.
I say we go to war.
Okay, not yet.
I'm going to send my mafia
guys over to America.
And they're going to handle
this problem
and make it disappear.
I'm going to pollute
the whole country.
And how do you plan
on doing that?
Prohibition.
You see, these guys
still bootleg
my fine Italian wine.
So, I'm going to take
my werewolf blood
and I'm going to stick it
in my wine
everybody drink in America.
Then everybody going to be
like us--
a werewolf.
FDR, he going to have
no chance.
I'll make
that whole country
howling at the moon.
[HOWLS] Yes, jawohl, I like it.
I'll give some of mein fine
German beer
to take, as well, huh?
Me like it too.
Count me in.
We will donate sake.
Sake?
Sake is for women
und the gay community.
Laugh it up, bitches!
Sake is a sensual drink
that relaxes the mind,
body, and--
That's so funny.
Fine!
Fuck you!
3-way done!
Pull it!
Mr. President, may I present
to you, George Freeman,
the official White House butler.
It's an honor, sir.
Freeman, Mother.
Yes, sir.
Kind of ironic, isn't it?
I guess so.
Well, we're going to set
this motherfucker off, George.
Pound my shit!
There's some weed
in Washington's humidor--
third drawer down on the right,
good stuff--
no sticks, no stems, no seeds.
My negro.
Literally.
Mr. President,
may I present to you
White House secretary,
Miss Melissa Ricksman.
Mr. President,
anything you need,
anything at all,
don't hesitate to ask.
Anything you dictate,
I will transcribe.
My dictate works just fine.
I mean my dick,
if I was going to dictate
something,
I would talk directly
to the American citizens.
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm not understanding.
You are going to talk
to them directly,
as in town gatherings?
No, what I mean is--
George, how are you with radios?
I'm black, son.
Cool!
Then rig that bitch up--
so I can speak
directly through it
to the entire nation.
Cool.
Hat.
Oh.
There you go, sir.
Right there.
Check one-two, check one-two.
Yo, turn me up
in the headphones.
Your levels are proper, kid.
Now, let me turn
this record player off.
Ooh, shit, sorry guys.
No, no, no, George,
keep doing that-- I like that.
The Delano needs to chat
fireside up in this bitch.
Let that beat right out.
Franklin, I think
this is inappropriate.
Shh, grown men conversing--
seen, not heard, Eleanor.
George, keep scratching.
My fellow Americans,
this is your new President,
Franklin
Delano Roosevelt,
a.k.a. The Delano,
a.k.a.
Big Baby Juice Maker.
And I'm chatting to you
live from the double O.
First of all,
I want to thank you for electing
me as your President.
On the reels,
that was a smart play.
Hoover was great.
They'll probably name a dam
or a vacuum cleaner
after him some day, but--
he wasn't cut out
for what lies ahead.
I know times are hard.
Some of you
are probably wondering
where your next
meal is coming from, or
who your next employer
is going to be.
Hey, hold my hole.
Back of the line--
wait for the glory hole.
You-- glory hole four.
Shh, wait, wait.
I got to hear what
he's got to say.
Me too.
or even if you're
going to be able
to buy your wife
flowers anymore.
[FART]
James,
stop crapping in that vase!
Sorry, Manny.
If your daddy wasn't President,
I'd steam your chest
like I was Grover Cleveland.
I want you to rest assured
that The Delano
is going to handle shit.
I've got a new deal for you.
I vow
to end the recession
and get every American
working again.
How the hell's
he going to do that?
How the hell am I going
to do that, you ask?
I'm going to
close our borders
and block foreigners
from coming in
and taking away jobs
from Americans.
I'm going to give incentives
to farmers who provide us
with healthy food.
And last, but not least,
I'm going to end prohibition.
I want to be able to come home
after a hard day's work
and drink a glass
of whiskey and milk
like a goddamn man!
You hear that, darling?
We don't have to make
toilet wine anymore.
Put the kiddies to sleep.
Parents,
push your beds together.
And know when you wake up,
you will wake up
to a new America.
This is The Delano,
signing off.
God bless.
You're off the air,
Mr. President.
Jesus, Frank, what was that?
I was freestyling again, son.
Gangsta, wasn't it?
Parents pushing
their beds together--
that is disgusting.
Oh, come on, Eleanor.
I think by now
the American people
know that babies do not
come from storks.
Hell, we have six kids.
Let's make a seventh
one, tonight.
Ooh! Ooh!
You're sick.
I'm going to tend the children.
I loved your speech,
Mr. President.
Thank you.
I don't know, Frank,
shutting down the borders,
ending prohibition.
Sir, speaking of prohibition,
I think there's something
you need to see--
the FBI would like to have
a word with you.
Ooh, all right, Captain Ominous.
The fucking guy.
[CLANK]
Oh, way to go, Einstein.
Our scientist, Albert Einstein--
a real jackass.
Mr. President, may I present
Douglas MacArthur,
Chief of Staff
of the United States Army.
Mr. President,
Call me Frank.
Dougie Mac.
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
My father was a midget
so, I'll keep it short.
I heard your speech about ending
prohibition, earlier.
Dope, wasn't it?
I was freestyling.
And I can go along with that
when we fuck all those bastards
who wanted prohibition
in the first place.
But unfortunately sir,
you can't end it right now.
Why not?
What we have here
is a pale lager.
And apparently it's been shipped
from overseas.
Now, some college students
have bootlegged it
and drank it,
and have been wolfing out.
Well, what did you do to them?
We killed them!
Is that legal?
We're the United States
Government-- anything's legal
Fuck yeah.
Now we ran some tests on this
and sure enough we did find
some small traces
of werewolf blood in it.
And the beer itself
came back German.
Same as the wolf.
Motherfucker!
And that's not all.
We got a report that some kids
went full on beast mode
after drinking some wine.
So, we tested that, as well.
And it came back Italian.
Polluted with wolf blood.
Doesn't make any sense, Dougie.
Tell me about it.
Oh, and there was
a lone case of sake
that was found
in the freighter.
Untouched, obviously.
Obviously.
Anybody drank that,
they'd come down
with a fast case
of dick-in-the-mouth.
Chief symptom--
foaming at the ass.
They'd start smelling
in the testicular area.
Shut the fuck up, Einstein!
Damn!
Now, I know this may
sound crazy, Mr. President,
but we think that Germany
and Italy and Japan
are joining forces
to form a kind of axis of power
to take over the world
and turn everyone
into werewolves.
Thundercunt!
Yes, it's a real fuckery!
That same freighter is back
unloading at a warehouse
on a dock in Baltimore.
I have a team of my men
standing by.
No, that won't be necessary.
I got this shit on lock.
I had a feeling
you were going to say that.
Heard you were
a real hard-core S.O.B.
You know, don't let
this limp fool you.
I'm as street as they come.
You cross me and the
motherfuckers come undone.
No tux, no cummerbund.
Respect-- Einstein, the chair.
The chair?
I call this the Delano 2000.
Oh, shit.
That's what the fuck
I'm talking about!
Welcome to death row, gentlemen.
Ha-ha!
This chair is fully tricked-out
with two rocket launchers,
as well as 164 rounds
of silver bullets
inside the wheel wells,
that when spun, activate
a machine gun-like intensity.
Why do you call it
the Delano 2000?
Because with this
the Delano is going to blow
those werewolf asses
into the next century!
Regulators, mount up.
Hey Paulie, what the fuck?
Will you watch
what you're doing!
You're going to spill that shit,
you fucking mook.
Now that would be a shame.
Wouldn't it?
FDR.
Wow.
Surprised to see
you here.
Hey, how's that polio
treating you, huh?
Hey, I heard you were
on your last leg.
But I thought you were
a stand-up guy.
I'm sorry, is that your face
or are you talking
out of a vagina?
You crippled motherfucker!
Get him!
Okay, okay, okay!
Please, don't kill me, please.
Oh, well, since you're being
so nice and saying, "please,"
the least I can do
is offer you a drink.
All right!
What the hell do you want, huh?
I'll do anything.
I'll suck your dick.
What?
I'll suck your dick.
Please!
Get the fuck out of here
and show some respect
for yourself, man!
Thank you, thank you,
Mr. President.
And tell your leader,
if I see another werewolf
on American soil,
I am personally going
to come over there,
roll down the streets, and kill
every last motherfucker
I see with a face comb-over.
Do you hear me!
The Delano don't give a fuck!
Boss,
Eh, what's the matter
with you?
I'm making cannoli,
you scared me out of my skin.
I mean,
I know we're werewolf,
but have some couth,
for Chris sake, huh?
I'm sorry, boss.
How did the drop off go?
Not too good, boss.
You see, Roosevelt showed up
and uh... he sort of killed
everyone.
How the hell he kill everybody?
The guy got polio,
for fuck sake!
That's just it--
he rolled up in some kind
of tricked-out
wheel-fucking chair
with machine guns
and missile contraptions.
I don't know.
But you still alive--
how do you do that, eh?
You suck the dick?
Oh, you suck the dick?
Oh, you suck the dick, Vincent.
No suck the dick.
Eh, Vincenzo,
do me a favor.
You take a little plug
over there,
you stick it in the wall
in the hole that says Hitler.
Yeah, I make a call, go ahead.
Yeah, sure, boss.
Anything else, boss?
No, I'm good, Vincenzo.
[SIGHS]
[RINGING]
You got to take a drink.
Hitler, it's Moose.
Shit got fucked up.
FDR, he iced everybody.
Scheisse, I told you that guy
was ein badass.
What do you
suggest we do?
You already know
my answer.
It rhymes with go
to fucking war.
Big shock, there.
You talk
to Hirohito?
No, I'll get him
on the 3-way.
Oh, scheisse!
Are you playing beer pong again
with the big-titty girl?
Who me? [LAUGHS]
No, we're just working on
plans to kill Jews. Ah.
Get me Hirohito.
[RINGING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hiro, it's Moosie
and Hitler.
Excellent, how did
the mission go?
Is Franklin dead?
No, he sniffed out
our plan
and kill all
my mafia guys
before they had a chance
for the beer and the wine
to spill
and take effect.
Did anyone think--
Sir, this package just
came for you.
Did I not kill you already?
No, sir, we do not
all look alike.
I'm on 3-way long distance!
I'm sorry, sir,
but this is from America.
There's a card that's
from the White House
Hold on, guys.
Son of bitch!
I say we go to war.
If we spread
the werewolf virus
across to neighboring
countries,
we can take over
the world slowly
and we crush him!
Yes, finally someone
who gets it.
Hito, you are awesome.
I'll start with Austria,
Czechoslovakia,
und then we march
into Poland for lunch.
I will take over China.
Cool, I'll take
Ethiopia.
What!
You fucking pussy.
Ethiopia, really?
What, Ethiopia
is strong.
Great runners--
guys run very fast.
Plus, Hitler,
you going to need
somebody coming up
from the south
when they retreat down.
Yeah, well, it's kind of ein
bitch move, but whatevers.
Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.
Eh, fuck you guys.
Eh? Moosehead out.
Drink up, bitch,
salute the fuhrer--
Heil me, Heil me.
Are you playing beer pong?
[MAKES GUTTURAL SOUNDS]
Can't hear you--
bad reception.
Now, where were we, Fraulein?
The werewolfs are
spreading fast.
That's why I came here
in person, he needs our help.
Have you ever met him?
No, but I heard he's
a big drinker.
Who isn't?
Well, I've invited Buford
and his wife to join us.
Hopefully,
he'll help break the ice.
Who's this--
Frank, I came as soon
as I got your message.
Oh, hello, Congressman
Cleavon Baybridge Buford,
Repube, Georgia--
also vice-president
of the hot tub committee.
My wi-- well, I'm sorry,
Dougie Mac, is that you?
No, I don't think we've met.
Oh, sure we have.
You did a cannonball
into the hot tub last week
when the Swiss delegates
were there.
No, I think you're thinking
of someone else.
You're hung like
a full-grown ox.
That's Dougie Mac!
Mr. President,
may I present to you,
Sir Winston Churchill.
You guys are drinking.
And during a time like this.
Jesus, honestly,
had I known this,
I would have come earlier.
Rosey, you old son of a bitch.
Oh, Winny, Winny,
it's nice to meet you.
Buford, would you pour him
a drink?
Yes, sir, in just
a moment, sir.
I bring my own.
Well, that's my kind
of man, yes.
Call this the Georgia sweet tea.
Thank you, Mrs. Buford.
Boy, this drink is as stiff
as a dead man's cock.
Thank you, sir.
I take great pride in that.
My father passed away
with an erection.
Look, Rosey,
I'm going to cut through
all the dumb shit--
we're at war.
And these goddamn werewolves
are getting
closer and closer to us
by the day.
So, what do you need
from The Delano?
Supplies, ammo, ships, tanks--
anything you can spare that will
stop these fucking things!
And look, we're the only ones
who speak English
over in Europe.
You need us to be
werewolf free.
Ireland speaks English.
You need someone
you can understand.
Half the time I don't
even know
what these potato fuckers
are trying to say.
Look, just lend me something
that will blow their minds.
Fine, I will lend you my wife.
I will do it for my country.
Thank you dear lady.
But I actually need
real weapons.
Are you saying my wife's breasts
aren't real weapons?
They have killed lesser men.
They're powerful, sir, but I
need weapons
of steel and smoke and noise.
Well, you can motorboat them
if you want
and make your own noises.
Well, let me level
with you, Winnie--
I want those sons of bitches
wiped off the face of this earth
just as much as you do.
But I have to justify this
to the American people.
Dougie, do we got
any extra shit?
Sure, we can open up some more
defense plants too.
Frank, there's an election
coming up.
No offense, Mr. Churchill, but
we can't just lend it to you.
But we could lease it to you.
And whatever you use,
you pay for.
So it would be sort of a--
a lend-lease kind of program?
Exactly.
You've got a deal!
Oh, damn, go Winnie!
Also, uh...
I could lease you my wife.
Yeah, whatever holes you use,
you pay for.
I think we'll all take
that deal.
To the hot tub!
Yes, sir, to the hot tub.
Did you bring cash?
Mr. President,
Uh-huh.
I have an urgent telegram
from Churchill.
Please read it aloud.
[SHOUTS]
Rosey, it's me!
No, I didn't mean loud.
Just read it normally.
Rosey, it's me,
Winnie has his head stuck
in the honey pot on this one.
Need troops.
Send Miss Buford over too.
XO, W.C.
Oh, shit.
I was afraid of this.
I was trying to keep us
out of this damn war
as long as I could.
Being President
of the free world is--
oh, it's so stressful.
I bet-- sir, anything
that I can do?
How about a massage?
That would be rad.
No, what are you doing? Don't.
Don't, no, they're all
shriveled-up from polio.
I don't mind-- just sit and relax.
Don't-- don't.
Shh-hhh
Oh, God, that feels so good.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
[GROANS]
Eleanor hates my tiny, little,
shriveled-up polio legs.
I don't.
Oh God!
They remind me of home!
Huh?
I used to enter the hot dog
eating contest
every year at Coney Island.
So sexy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
[GROANS]
Tie me, Frank, tie me!
Frank,
What the shit?
It's not what it seems, unh-unh.
Oh, it's not?
Because it looks like
your secretary is sucking
mustard and ketchup off of you.
Then it is what it seems.
And it looks
like Eleanor Roosevelt
is going to have
to strong arm a ho!
Get the fuck out of here,
I need to talk
to my husband, bitch!
Really, Franklin.
Jesus.
Oh, my God, just look
at yourself.
You are President
of the United States!
Frank! Ooh.
What is it, Louis?
MacArthur's here with General
Eisenhower-- says it's urgent.
Oh, of course,
it's always fucking urgent!
Well, I--
Well, I, oh-- by all means, go.
And if they ask you
what happened here,
just tell them a rainbow
took a shit on your legs.
[CRIES]
Do you have a handkerchief,
Louis?
I think it's going to take
a full-blown shower, chief.
Talk to her--
Eleanor's more important.
I'll make the Generals wait.
Jesus.
General, General...
wait.
Oh, so this is what
this room looks like.
I wouldn't know because you've
never let me sleep in here.
Don't you dare try to turn this
around on me.
I saw that whore on her knees
rubbing and moaning all over you
as she touched your le--
What?
My what, Eleanor?
Say it.
I want you to say it.
Your le-- le-- le--
Legs-- my tiny, little,
shriveled-up polio legs!
Eleanor, take a good look
at them!
No.
Look at them.
I can't, it's just too hard, Frank.
Is it?
Is it hard for you, Eleanor?
What about me?
I'm stuck
in this damn wheelchair
for the rest of my life
with a wife
who doesn't want to have
sex with me.
I may be the only President
in the history
of the United States
who's never
gotten laid in office.
And this is my third term!
Now, am I going to ball
the secretary,
who obviously has daddy issues,
of course I am!
Because, at least,
she shows some interest in me.
Did you honestly believe
that I thought
that you had to tend
to the children
every night
for the last nine years?
Eleanor, we have one kid
who's old enough
to shit in a vase!
I know.
Excuse me.
I have to go tend
to an entire nation.
Damn you, Frank!
At ease, gentlemen, sit.
What's the haps, Dougie Mac?
And who the fuck is this?
This is General
Dwight Eisenhower,
call sign-- Dew Drop.
Mr. President,
it is a pleasure for me
to be here--
Let's keep the pleasantries to
the left hand on your clam bag.
You know, I'm surprised to see
you boys here this late.
This better be important.
Well, sir, I only wish
we were here to tell you
about some hot dog eating
contest that's gone wrong.
But we're not.
What the fuck did you just say?
Come here.
Come here.
Come here-- a little closer.
Yes, sir.
I can fucking weigh you down,
pretty boy!
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Okay, all right.
You still got it, you old
son of a bitch-- good!
We're going to need your spirit.
For what?
War!
I got this telegram
from Churchill.
Shit is fucked up
over there.
He's not going to be able
to hold out much longer.
They're converging from all
angles, Mr. President.
Germany has already taken
Austria, Czechoslovakia,
Poland, and France
is likely next.
Of course, they're pussies.
Japan has taken
complete control of China
and now, they're focusing
on Russia.
I also got a telegram
from Missy, from your secretary,
from the Prime Minister
of Ethiopia.
Italy has taken them over
and I dismissed it because--
Because it's fucking Ethiopia.
In all seriousness, sir,
I know you've been trying
to avoid going to war
for years, but now--
We must blast
their fucking asses!
Player to player, pimp to pimp,
I appreciate it.
Well, let me put my mind
on the grind
while you unwind--
just for tonight.
I'll go fireside
on their ass tomorrow
and when the American people
come home from work,
I'll tell them...
that we're going to war.
I want you two to strategize
a plan of attack.
And we'll reconvene at O. H.!
[BOTH] R.O.
I'll catch you
in the heart of things.
Mr. President.
Mr. President, do you need
anything before bed, sir?
You got anything that will
tell me what to do
with this fucking mess
I'm in, right now?
Third drawer down on the right--
Washington's humidor.
It'll give you advice
on everything you need to know.
What kind of shit
were you into, G-dubs?
Oh.
[MALE VOICE] Jane, Mary Jane,
Mary Jane, how I miss you.
Over here, boss.
You going to choke on that
like a prom date
or are you going to give
The Honest One some?
Oh, shit, I'm high.
Yeah, that's rad.
Would you pass that dutchie
to the right-hand side--
I've been dead for 75 years
there, chief.
Thanks, dude.
Why don't you come with me?
We're going to talk.
Are you real?
No, only when other presidents
are in time of crisis
and need advice.
Oh, man, that is so cool.
Yeah.
There's this president in
the next century-- Uh-huh.
Obama-- he's going to be talking
to me a lot.
Oh, man, you got
a raw deal
with that whole
John Wilkes Booth thing.
Mary Todd had to go
to that fucking play.
Bitch.
Hey it sounds like
you did any better.
Where?
What has two wheels,
looks gay, and isn't a bicycle?
This guy.
D'oh!
Well played, sir,
well played.
Oh, fuck, Linc, I'm in a real
shit-pickle with the missus.
She caught me playing hide
the wrench in the steam engine
with my secretary.
I know, I saw that.
What?
You bastard, you were watching?
Of course.
You were about two minutes away
from her throwing your legs
over her head.
Somebody had told me
that the Japanese,
that their werewolves
are teaming up
with the German
and the Italian werewolves
and they're trying
to take over the world.
But I just can't
figure out why.
Now, you were attacked,
right?
Do you have any insight
on the werewolf tip?
Werewolves-- they're
telepathic-- always have been.
They can sense when someone's
born with true greatness--
someone who's a revolutionary.
That's what they see in you.
It's what they saw in me.
It's what they saw
in Washington.
Hey, what, did they attack
G-thing too?
That's why he left
his weed.
That's why I could have
this talk with him,
and so, you could have
this talk with me.
Why didn't they go
after Woodrow?
Oh, I mean, he was, you know,
there for World War I.
That was a bitch war.
We really didn't need
to be in that shit.
G-dub was a rocking
revolutionary.
I laid the beat down on civil
and you're the man.
You are the man to lead us
through the deuce.
Oh, shit, I don't know
what the hell I'm doing.
I'm just freestyling
half the time.
I just do what I feel is right.
I didn't know what the fuck
I was doing.
Shit.
I thought so.
Don't worry, man,
I just did what I believed
in my heart.
You do the same
and you'll be straight.
You're one
cool motherfucker, Linc.
I know.
You are, man,
you are.
You want to see something cool?
What's that?
I can fucking fly.
This is awesome!
Isn't it?
Hey look, there's my monument.
Is there going to be a statue
like that of me?
No, no, no, but they're
going to name like,
a thousand high schools
after you.
That's cool.
Yes, it is.
Hey, Hey, check it out.
There's a hot dog vendor.
You-- you hungry?
Hey, FDR, this is for you,
Roosevelt.
Yeah!
Oh, you fucker!
[GUFFAWS]
Oh, shit.
What?
Look at them.
What's up, Abe?
Thanks for freeing me.
Look, I'm fucking a white girl.
You're welcome.
Emancipate that ass.
You know this, kid.
God damnit, you are cool.
I know.
Here you go, Sam.
Who's that?
That's Uncle Sam,
the bald eagle of justice.
Why don't you grab on to those
wings and he'll carry you home.
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm too heavy.
No, if he can handle Taft,
he can certainly handle you.
Come on there, Frankie,
grab one of those wings
of justice.
Grab on and he'll take you home.
No, I can't.
No, I can't, no.
You can do it.
I can't, I can't--
oh, shit!
Hey!
You weren't honest at all!
[YELLS]
You okay, sir?
I had this weird dream.
Louis, get Dougie Mac
and Ike on the phone.
Right away, sir.
Scrambled eggs and sausage, sir?
You look like
you have the munchies.
Oh, that sounds good.
Jorge,
Si, senor.
Respect.
For what?
Let's get wet.
Louis, you got him?
Our drop point
is right here, gentlemen.
And once you hit
the ground
you have to hit
the ground running.
Our element
of surprise,
it's only going
to last so long
once they finally
figure out
that we're actually launching
a full-scale attack.
Attention!
I got it from here, Ike.
I know what you're thinking,
as you stare at that map.
Hell, I'm thinking
the same thing.
How in the world
are we going to storm
the beaches of Normandy,
take down an entire army
of werewolves,
and still make it to a French
titty-bar by last call?
At ease, gentlemen.
I am not going to tell you
that there aren't
going to be casualties,
or that it's going to be easy.
Because it's not.
Unfortunately, that is
the business of war.
I can't change that.
But I can lead by example.
And not the example
of somebody
who has survived
a werewolf attack
and now wheels back and forth
in front of you
like a God damn cripple
in a wheel chair!
That's right--
take a good look.
Cripple in a wheelchair!
Cripple in the wheelchair!
I could have heard that
my entire life
as people waited on me
hand and foot.
And there's nothing wrong
with that.
Except I wanted more--
I wanted to be the President
of the United States.
I wanted to lead
this great nation of ours
in its darkest hour.
And now I am going to lead
you into war.
I am going to fly
the first plane in
and lead our troops
onto the beach.
"Why would you do this?"
you might ask.
Not because I'm President
of the United States.
Not because it's
the heroic thing to do.
I am doing this to prove
to those werewolves,
that despite their attack,
I am not just
going to sit here
like some cripple
in a wheelchair!
Now look,
I know that you're scared.
Hell, I'm afraid too.
But I want you to remember...
we have nothing
to fear, but...
fear itself.
Now, let's go kick
some werewolf ass tomorrow!
Hito's been handled,
he won't bother us anymore.
Word.
Yep.
Fucking Einstein--
That project he was working on
in Manhattan is ready.
Way to go, Einstein.
Let me go with you.
No, Lou, The Delano's
got to do this on his own.
I'm a motorcycle of death.
I ain't got no sidecar.
I know.
Chair's all loaded
with silver Bs.
Rockets are loaded.
You're all set.
Thanks, man.
Oh, Lou, I just want you
to know,
if anything happens to me,
take care of my mistress,
will you?
I have a spare key
for the Lincoln bedroom
underneath the mat,
but you might want to change
the sheets first, though.
Okay.
Word.
Word.
Give them hell, Frank!
Yeah!
Tower one, this is
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
call sign-- Wheels of Steel.
Ready for take off.
[RADIO]
Roger that, Mr. President.
This is
Commander Winston Churchill,
call sign--
Big Fish and Chips.
You're clear for take off.
Winnie, you old son of a bitch,
what are you doing in there?
Do you think I'd miss this?
If I wasn't drunk and blind,
I'd be up there with you,
right now.
I appreciate that, Churchie.
No retreat.
No fucking surrender!
God damn right!
Now, go over there and blow
those fucking werewolves
off the face of the planet!
Over and out.
May God be with you, Frank.
Oh, come on, George.
I'm fidgeting here
like a three-peckered puppy
in a wood chipper.
Hold on, hold on,
I'm almost there.
[RADIO]
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
I think that's him.
So, I said to Stalin,
"I don't care
if you are Russian,
you can't grab
another man's cock at dinner
and say, 'Sorry, I thought
that was my breadstick.'"
You know? [LAUGHS]
That's him all right.
[CHURCHILL] Commies, what are
you going to do with them?
They're all dick grabbers.
They love it.
All right, Frank,
you're approaching France.
Let's go silent on the radio
unless it's necessary-- over.
[FRANK]
Over and out.
Get a hold of him?
Yeah, I think Stalin
got a hold of him, personal.
That is enough, George.
Sorry, go back to standing
in the corner and being black.
How are you, Eleanor?
I'm hanging in there.
I'm just so worried.
Yeah.
Can't imagine what
you must be feeling.
Boss, boss, it's FDR.
Whoop, what the fuck?
[CHURCHILL]
What is it, Frank?
I'm under attack.
Jesus Hightower Christ,
they're lighting me up like
an Indian peace pipe
before the first
Thanksgiving dinner!
God damnit, Frank,
get the hell out of there!
I can't, there's
too much fire power.
These fucking werewolves
are relentless.
Ha ha, it's time to go
cripple-dick crazy
on these motherfuckers!
I was going to open
a chain of Italian
restaurants in America
with a staff that make
you feel like family.
I was going to call
the Olive...
Garden.
What kind of name
is Delano, anyway?
It sounds Jewish!
Oh, oh, shit.
Shit, I'm hit, I'm hit.
[CHURCHILL] Talk to me, Frank, Talk to me.
The right engine is out.
[FRANK]
I'm going down.
I'm going down.
I'm going down!
Frank!
Mayday! Mayday!
This is
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
call sign-- Wheels of Steel,
I'm going down!
I'm going down!
I got to bail out--
too much firepower.
I don't know if I'm going--
[RADIO NOISE]
[SOBS]
No--
I am a President's wife.
I knew what I was getting into
when he took the job.
George,
Yes, mam.
could you get me the bottle
that Mr. Daniels sent over?
Yes, mam.
Thank you.
[WHISPERS]
Cheers.
I'm sure he's all right.
He's got to be all right--
it's Frank, right?
[ELEANOR BELCHES]
Come here, you son of a bitch.
I got your back, Frank.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I stashed myself away in there
just in case you might
need some help.
Oh!
Plus, I wouldn't miss
a chance
to help you kill
some werewolves.
Hold on, I'm going to get
you out of here.
Underneath the arms.
Friends until the end, Frank.
Friends until the end!
Hang on, Frank, I'm going to get
you out of here.
You ready, Frank?
Red-eye!
Follow me!
Wow, we're really high up here,
aren't we, Frank?
We're really doing it.
We're going into war.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
What?
Hey, Frank,
remember when I said,
"Friends until the end?"
Yeah.
well, this is the end.
I'm not wearing
a parachute.
I'm definitely
going to die.
You're a hero, Cleavon.
I'll make sure
people know that.
I appreciate that, Frank.
And Frank,
take care of my wife for me.
No doubt.
Oh.
Down with Americans.
You want The Delano, bitch!
You got The Delano,
motherfucker!
Fuck you, Roosevelt, fuck you!
Picture me rolling!
What's up, Hitler?
[RADIO] It's been 16 days since
President Roosevelt's plane
went down over Normandy
and there's still
no sign of the old stalwart.
At this point most have begun
to fear the worst--
that our beloved FDR
has been killed.
Turn that God damn thing off.
I can't bear it, anymore.
I'm back.
I have a nice crme brle
and a chocolate mousse.
I'll take the chocolate mousse if
you-- Get the fuck out of here.
Bet if I was white
I could have had
a chocolate mousse.
Who ordered the burnt honky
with the side of polio?
For God's sake, Frank.
What?
Somebody die?
Oh yeah, Mussolini and Hitler,
I capped those bitches.
Oh, Frank, I knew it!
What the hell happened
out there?
Well, my plane was shot to shit,
so I had to go rogue --
I had to go with an old-school
ground attack.
There were werewolves
everywhere.
I just never took my finger
off the trigger.
It was a hell of a battle,
hell of a battle!
Were you captured? You've been
missing for 16 days.
No, I killed Hitler
and Mussolini right off--
and most of their soldiers.
I was cool until I had to wheel
myself out of there.
Do you know how hard it is
to maneuver a wheelchair
through sand?
[LAUGHS]
Eleanor, are you okay?
You haven't said anything.
Aren't you happy to see me?
Damn you, damn you,
don't you ever put me through
anything like that again!
Ooh, come here!
Come here.
[BAWLS]
Sh-hhh, I told you, baby,
ain't nobody going to take down
The Delano.
I'm going to ride you
like a free pony
at the state fair,
tonight.
Frank, should we leave?
I'm cool to stay.
Oh, no, actually, George,
I want you to rig up the radio.
Daddy wants to go fireside.
Right away, sir.
Back in the saddle, Frankie.
My fellow Americans,
[RADIO] this is your President,
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
As you know, we are at war.
And as your President,
I felt the need to lead
our troops into battle--
a battle which
we successfully won.
The fight against werewolves
is over!
For those of you who thought
I was gone,
allow me to reintroduce
myself--
It's Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
motherfucker!