Gray Matters (2006) Movie Script
What are you doing? Come back.
- No.
- Come on. Turn around.
Hey, hey!
You're the best.
You're amazing.
What do you say?
Beers on me. Cold beers on me.
Let's go!
Wonderful.
Weren't they wonderful?
Come on.
Keep it going, Gray.
- Hey.
- Help!
- Okay.
- Help. Ohh.
- Don't rush over, okay?
- You pick up something for dinner?
- Yeah. Mmm.
- What do you got?
- Okay, I got us steak.
- Good.
- And chicken.
- Good.
- And fish.
- And fish.
- And tofu.
- Good.
- And tempeh.
- Oh, great. We got tempeh.
Then I got the regular essentials,
like asparagus and lettuce.
I got it.
I'm not home, okay?
Don't answer it, okay? Let's-
Hello? Hey, Carrie. Who?
Yeah, she's right here.
Hey, honey.
- Dinner? No. We just rented a DVD.
- Raging Bull.
- We go out. I hate when you say that.
- I hate it when she says that.
- Okay, uh, do you want a, uh, merlot or cabernet?
- Oh, here we go.
Do you want something fruity
or full-bodied and do-
Okay. Okay. What- Californian, French,
Argentinean, Chilean, Australian, Span-
- Still at it?
- Okay, you don't have to yell.
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. That is amazing.
Oh, my God. Carrie.
Do you believe this?
Ta-da!
I would like to say something.
To Carrie and Dereck
and their lovely friends.
Oh, my goodness.
I don't know what it means,
but it sounded beautiful.
- It's a fake accent. He's from Poughkeepsie.
- God, he is adorable.
I could eat him alive.
Do you think he's single?
- I don't think he plays on your team.
- But he's overweight.
And poofs are rarely beefy. I wrote
a piece about that in a magazine once.
- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.
Carrie, do you have
the new Liza Minnelli CD?
- Mmm. Okay, and scratch my last comment. Cheers.
- Cheers.
How's that new campaign coming along?
Carrie tells me it's been brutal.
- Oh, uh, more for you, yeah?
- Yes.
- Red or white?
- I'll have red. Actually, I'll have white.
- Okay.
- You know, I'll have both.
- All right.
- Um, well, Julia Bartlett is not an easygoing client.
- She's the worst.
- If Carrie wasn't on the account, I'd pull my hair out.
Oh, honey.
- Doesn't mean you're getting
a promotion before me.
- Ooh, you sneaky little bitch.
- So, um, what do you do?
I'm doing my, uh, surgical residency
at Mount Sinai Hospital...
with a specialty in, uh-
heart transplants.
- Oh, fabulous.
- Thanks.
And how long have
you two been together?
- Us two?
- Mm-hmm.
Thirty years.
- I'm sorry. Did I miss something?
- Well, you're kidding, right?
- No.
- Gray's my sister.
Oh, my God!
No! Ick! No, I'm-
I just- I thought that you
two were an item. Well, I just-
- What? These-These two?
- Well, yeah. You seem so-
So?
I don't know.
So together, I guess.
Hey, what'd I miss?
- Um, she thinks we're together.
- Like "together"together?
- Like screwing each other together.
- Ugh!
You're not the first one
to think that, Elaine.
- Let me tell you.
- What?
- They're very codependent.
- We are not!
- Come on. - You rarely spend
a minute apart. But if that's-
- We do too.
- All day at work, we never see each other.
How about that- Remember?
You want to know something? I've even seen
them share the same toothbrush.
- One time.
- Oh, ick.
- One time is- it's creepy. - L- Listen.
I think that your relationship is charming.
- Thank you.
- Have you ever French-kissed?
That's beautiful.
- We're gonna end up like the Delany sisters.
- Who?
You know, the sisters that were 103
and 105, and they never got married...
and they just did yoga and headstands
together every day.
That's what we should do.
Do headstands together.
Get the circulation flowing.
It'd be good for us.
- I'm serious. We need to venture out.
- To where? When?
I'm too busy to date,
and I'm not goin' to bars.
The girls there, all they do is they talk
about how fat they are. They're not fat.
They're not fat girls.
They're thin girls that think they're fat.
You know what I want? I want a girl who's
not afraid to eat a hot fudge sundae, okay...
and have no guilt attached,
that's what I want.
Can't you meet a cute intern
at the hospital?
Wrong. Can't do it. Too dangerous.
You can't have sexual tension
and cut an artery. It's awkward.
Okay, I'll look for a hot fudge sundae girl
for you, and you look for a guy for me...
- who is deep and sensitive and funny.
- Okay.
Someone who doesn't think Ginger Rogers
is one of the Spice Girls.
- Okay.
- Someone who wouldn't consider going to Florida traveling.
- All right.
- Someone who's not afraid of Ethiopian food.
Somebody who doesn't think
Truffaut's a kind of mushroom.
Someone who would call me
an hour after our first date and say...
"I am crazy about you, and I'm counting
the minutes until I could see you again. "
That's not gonna be easy, darlin'.
Ethiopian food, I-I like that.
Eatin' with your fingers, things.
It's quite festive.
Hey, Jimmy.
Happy birthday!
- Hi, Tommy.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry about that.
Hey, Jenny, I promise I'll write
my daytimes. I totally forgot.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My Weight Watchers meeting went over,
and it was too good to leave.
Why do you still go to those meetings?
You have an awesome figure.
Oh, thanks.
Dereck thinks that I have flabby thighs.
He has nerve. He has a receding hairline.
Did you mention that to him?
- Did you tell him to go to receding hairline meetings?
- Yeah, I know. Right?
But trust me. The entertainment factor
alone is worth it. Today, it was so crazy.
There was this woman who was all mad at
her husband for not letting her have dessert.
So she breaks into
the Soho Chocolate Factory...
and tried to drown herself
in a vat of chocolate.
- No.
- Yes.
- Like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka?
- Exactly.
It's like the cuckoo show.
Ooh, let's see
who's in Page Six today.
We need to focus. I have a B-Pro
presentation in three minutes...
with copy that's so pedestrian it sounds
like a crossing guard wrote it.
What happened to that cheerleading idea?
That was so good.
- It's so cool and kitsch. Kitsch is in.
- You think it was good?
I told Lana about it.
She said it was a big mistake.
- She says Julia Bartlett hates kitsch.
- Lana? Don't listen to Lana.
She's Mr. Phillips's secretary.
What does she know?
I do think she does a lot more
than just type for him.
- Give it up.
- Okay. You want to hear this? I heard some hot gossip.
- Yeah. - Lana-Wait, I feel
like somebody's listening-
Lana goes to Kemiko,
my pedicurist...
and told her, who then told
Mrs. Karaquesh, my dry cleaner...
- she and Mr. Phillips have been seeing each other for months.
- No!
I know it's accurate gossip
'cause Mrs. Karaquesh never gossips.
- Oh, my God!
- Ever.
- Hey, Lana!
- Hey!
Hey! What's up?
Do you want to have lunch with us today?
Oh, I'd love to, but Mr. Phillips asked me
to do some research for him, so-
Oh, really?
Oh, that's too bad.
- Maybe next week?
- Definitely.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Research my ass.
You mean her ass.
B- Pro.
The campaign-
Conrad, make sure the, uh, video system's
on. I want the whole company to hear this.
It's on, sir. Carry on, Gray.
The campaign exudes
nostalgia, comedy...
thrill, excitement and cutting-edge
fashion all under one banner.
It'll appeal to a wide demographic
and leads the consumer...
with an emotional end benefit
of feeling charged up.
To challenge themselves and seize the day
and be the best they can be.
Whoo!
Well, Julia?
And I must say you look fantastic.
What do you think?
Great, no?
No.
- N-N-No?
- No.
Well, it's, uh-it's
just an initial proposal.
I mean, it still needs
to be tweaked and tuned.
You only tweak or tune
if something has potential.
Uh, we'll, uh-we'll go back
to the drawing board then, that's all.
Why don't you call me when
you have something original to present?
Julia, I'm sure we have a bunch of-
Shut that thing off.
I'm sure we have a bunch of things.
This is just one of them.
What's wrong with you? That was crap.
J- Julia, just a second.
I don't know, Sydney. I don't know
if this kind of therapy is working for me.
How come every road I take
turns out to be a dead end?
Why couldn't it be a fork?
I like forks.
At least with a fork there's a choice-
right or left or east or west...
- or this way or that way.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do you think you always reach
these dead ends?
Ooh! You see, gutter ball.
That's my life- a bunch of gutter balls.
Well, this is a perfect example...
of why having therapy in different
locations is so important.
Look at the deep symbolism
in that gutter ball.
No, this is good.
This is very, very good.
Can you think of one word
that best describes...
- the way your work situation makes you feel?
- Can I have two?
- No, one.
- Um-
Ohh!
Frustrated.
- You're up.
- Right.
Okay, another word...
for how you really feel
when your brother wins all your races.
- Frustrated.
- Okay.
Another word for how you feel
when you think about going on a date.
- Closed for repairs.
- That's not one word.
I know.
But I can't help it.
It's a weird thing,
but I see myself as this charming hotel...
that's beautifully romantic
and... wonderful on the outside...
but on the inside, it just
needs a ton of renovations.
Hence, closed for repairs.
Nice analogy.
What kinds of renovations?
Getting a promotion at work,
perfecting the tango...
disowning my mother,
getting liposuction under my chin.
There's nothing worse than chin fat.
Uh, I think you need to...
let the idea of sharing your life
with someone other than your brother...
enter your consciousness.
But how can I be conscious of something
that I'm unconscious of?
It's not like I don't date. I've had plenty
of boyfriends. Maybe I'm just in a dry spell.
Let's try something.
How about keeping
the hotel closed...
but keeping the veranda
open for cocktails?
Well, I really like verandas.
I love trellises, and I love arboretums.
Aren't arboretums beautiful?
And houses with the porch out front-
Hold that thought.
'Cause we are out of time today...
but we will resume this conversation
next week at the rock climbing wall.
Nice game.
And what happened to
going to a movie?
How are you going to meet anyone
in a dark movie theater?
How are you going to meet
anyone at a dog park?
Hello? The dog park
is a vortex for singles.
Hello? When did we
become dog owners?
No.
I wash my hand of this whole fiasco.
You're on your own. Ow! Grabbing.
- Check out center field.
- What about cen-Ahh!
Ohh! Yes!
Holy... smokes.
I'll do the preinterview. If she's
great, uh, I'll scream, "Get the ball!"
- And you casually swing over to close.
- "Get the ball. "
- What?
- There's no way she's single.
- Do what I say.
- You know what? Don't get bossy.
- Ow! Ohh.
- Try not to get hurt. Spazzy men are not attractive.
Some spazzy men are attractive.
- Gosh. You're so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- How old is she?
- She just turned three in September.
- Or should I say 21?
- She's legal.
Yeah. I suppose
I should buy her her first cocktail, huh?
Maybe a liver martini
with a beefjerky twist?
- I'm Charlie.
- Hi.
Originally Charlotte, but it always seemed
too long and never quite suited me, so-
I'm Gray. You can't really shorten that
or it'd be "Gra. "
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Do you like old movies?
- Yeah.
- Dancing? Are you athletic?
- Uh-
- Do you watch the Discovery Channel?
- Well-
Do you have a boyfriend?
What is your favorite dessert?
Okay. Um, uh-
Let's see.
I'm a 1940s movie buff.
I love to swing dance.
I've never been
very good at sports...
um, love the Discovery Channel,
"nix-ay" on the boyfriend...
and, well, it's kind of a toss-up.
L- I like cheesecake,
but I kind of love...
those big, gooey
hot fudge sundaes, so-
Get the ball.
Who's that? Look at him!
Oh, you're so cute. What's his name?
- Fluffy.
- Suki.
Fluffy is his first name.
Suki is his pedestrian middle name.
Oh, well, you are so adorable.
- How old is he?
- He's five. - One.
He's one- He's one-five. He's 15.
- This is my brother, Sam.
- Sam.
Sam.
- My sea otter's name is Sam.
- Is your sea otter's name Sam?
- Yes.
- Don't tell me you're one of those people...
that illegally keeps endangered animals
in their apartment, like that guy...
that got caught with
a leopard in his kitchen?
No. I'm a zoologist. I'm doing an
internship at New York Aquarium.
- Ha! That's a relief.
- Free Willy is my favorite movie.
Well, Free Willy 1, 2 and 3.
It's hard to pick a favorite.
And Jaws.
Finding Nemo.
Orca. Orca not so much.
- Do you live around here?
- Uh, sort of, yeah.
I'm staying on
a friend's sofa for right now.
I just moved here from San Francisco
about three weeks ago.
- I love San Francisco.
- Really? Have you spent much time there?
- Have I?
- You've never been to San Francisco.
I know I've never been to San Francisco,
but I know I would love it.
Tony Bennett loves it. He left his heart
there. I love Tony Bennett. There you go.
I have to go home for dinner.
Can I have Flicker back?
Yeah. You can have Flicker Fluffy
Suki back. That's the neighbor's dog.
We just walk him while he takes piano lessons,
'cause we love that dog.
- He's a budding pianist.
- That's so funny. Gypsy's not mine either.
I dog walk on the side
for extra cash.
I should probably
get her back, so-
Oh.
It was really nice to meet you both.
- Nice meeting you both-You.
- Nice meeting you.
- What are you waiting for?
- What?
- She's leaving.
- I see she's leaving.
All right.
Uh, excuse me!
Since you're new in town, if you're not
doing anything tonight, maybe you'djoin us?
We're going out for tapas and bad
Spanish wine, if you'd like tojoin us.
I just said that.
Would you like to join us? Three times.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Okay.
Perfecto!
R- R-R-ico.
R- R-R-R-R.
R- R-R-R-R-R-Rico.
Oh, easy, Pancho Villa. These girls
are conmigo. More vino, por favor.
! Ayayay, oh!
Gracias. Gracias.
Carlos! Cover me!
I'm goin' in.
Okay, best food movie.
- Like Water For Chocolate.
- Babette's Feast. How about Babette's Feast?
- Okay.
- Okay, Fatso starring Dom DeLuise.
- Yes.
- Oh, good one. Okay, is it me?
Let's see.
Uh, women you need to get away from.
Bette Davis in
What Ever Happened To BabyJane?
Ah, good one. I got Glenn Close in
Fatal Attraction for the rabbit.
- Kathy Bates in Misery.
- Okay. Okay. How 'bout, um, best screen kiss?
- Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind.
- That's overrated, I think.
I'll go with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman
in Notorious.
Okay. I'll see your Notorious...
and I'll raise you Omar Sharif and
Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago.
- Very good.
- Oh, wait. I'll see your Doctor Zhivago...
and I will raise you Lady and the Tramp
in Lady and the Tramp.
Winner. Winner. The spaghetti
pooch smooch. Nothing better.
Thank God we're home. My toes
are even starting to swell. I'm exhausted.
Dogs are barking? No wonder.
It's 4:30 in the morning.
Oh, my God.
I have to be up in three hours.
I'm wide awake. I could go for hours.
I guess I'm nocturnal.
- Oh, yeah? Me too. You should get to bed. How about a nightcap?
- Great.
What the hell.
I haven't pulled an all-nighter in ages.
Let's go to Soho House or Sway
or like a diner or something.
Ow.
- Don't you have that big meeting in the morning?
- What big meeting?
Big meeting in the morning
you have to get to?
Oh, that big meeting. Actually, I'm
pretty tired. I should go to bed.
- It was great meeting you, Charlie.
- Okay. Good night.
I hope we can do this again.
Me too.
I'm getting my keys, all right?
- Straight to bed.
- Good night.
Night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You got in late last night. I didn't even hear you come in.
- I'm just getting in now.
- Sounds like you had a good time.
- It was more than good.
- She's pretty great.
- She's more than great.
Don't blow it. You're off to a strong
start, but a girl can sense a "glommer. "
- She doesn't think I'm a glommer.
- She could and you don't even know it.
- She doesn't think I'm a glommer.
- Staring in her eyes. Glommer.
- I know. L- Read my non-glomming lips.
- A girl doesn't like a guy-
- I know she doesn't- - She could think
you're a glommer and you don't know.
You know how I know?
Because I asked her to marry me.
What?
And she said yes.
Can you believe it?
We got our blood work done this morning,
and we're going to Vegas this weekend...
- and we want you to be our witness.
- What?
I know. It's amazing. It's like-
It's-It's-It's- It's incredible.
You know what she is? She's
- She's the sun, she's the stars, she's the moon.
She's the jackpot. She's it.
You don't even know her.
She could be an ax murderer for all you know.
Oh, no! I forgot to ask her
if she was an ax murderer.
You know what she isn't? An ax murderer.
You know what she is? Perfect.
She's perfect. Gray, remember what Mom
always used to say?
When it was right, we would know.
Well, trust me. It's right.
Mom is divorced for the third time,
and she lives in a commune.
- Stop being so "J" and start being happy for me.
- I am so not "J."
I'm notjealous of you when you're totally
psychologically unstable.
I'm psychologically unstable? I'm psyc-
You're the one that said "Get the ball. "
I said "Get the ball,"
not "Get the ring. "
Gray, we're goin' to Vegas this weekend,
and we are gonna get married.
You can come with us.
I booked you a room. I booked you a flight.
If you come, great.
And if you don't, that's your deal.
- But you know what? I'm gettin' married.
- How does that happen?
One minute you know someone,
the next minute they're so desperate...
- they propose to someone they met 24 hours ago.
- Oh, hey, Gray Ghost.
I told Charlie that you'd meet her at
Bloomingdale's tomorrow to try on wedding dresses.
She doesn't have a lot of friends in the
city, and I thought it'd be fun for you two.
Forget it.
There's no way that's happening.
It's too frilly.
Something with a little less piff and poof.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Maybe something a little sexier.
If you want sexy, I got sexy.
I mean, I know you kids aren't Little
Bo Peep underneath those dresses.
But...
if you ask me...
a sexy bride just doesn't sit right.
A beautiful bride, yes.
A glowing bride, of course.
But sexy is- I-
I just don't know.
Personally, it makes me
a little uncomfortable.
Really? Do you have anything in red
with a slit up to the hip?
- Red!
- She's kidding.
Just something with a little
less piff and poof and no lace.
Oh, no lace?
No problem.
I will be right back.
I just got in a Dior in duchess satin...
that is to die for.
Great.
Are you sure you want to
go through with this?
Did you know that Sam
cheats at Monopoly and he snores?
- And he's got a hairy back.
- I work with animals.
Hairy is a turn-on.
Honestly? I was a goner the moment I saw him
at the dog park.
There's just something about his impish
smile and that twinkle in his eye.
The smile isn't real.
His teeth are capped.
And the twinkle in his eyes?
It's a reflection off his contacts.
- He's as blind as a bat.
- Help me out of this thing. My breasts feel like prisoners.
Set them free.
Please tell me you don't
wear stuff like that every day.
What? Lingerie?
I love it.
I've spent more on lingerie
than I have on rent.
I haven't bought a new pair
of underwear in over four years.
- Eww. That's kind of gross, huh?
- Why don't you try a dress on?
- No.
- Come on. This one's only 10,000.
No way, no way. Not doin' it.
Never gonna happen.
Come on. It will be fun.
Try it on.
Forget about it. No way. Never happening.
Not gonna... ever happen.
No!
What if I damage it?
Shh. Stay still while
I get this zipper up.
Ohh!
Did you cover me? I was at
the Bloomingdale's bridal salon.
- Mr. Phillips came by at 9:30.
- He did?
Yep. But I told him you were at the
gynecologist getting a pap smear. It shut him up.
- Good one.
- So what were you doing at the Bloomingdale's bridal salon?
- You know that girl Sam met at the park?
- Don't tell me she's a man.
- No!
- Sorry. I've been reading too many trashy magazines. What?
He asked her to marry him,
and she said yes.
- No.
- Yes! The wedding is this weekend.
- No! - Yes!
- Come on.
The worst thing is, I can't think of
a reason why he shouldn't marry her.
She's smart. She's beautiful.
She's funny. She's amazing.
Oh, please! She's a gold-digging wench trying to
hook her little claws into a resident surgeon...
before he makes the big bucks
that she can later get her hands on...
in an ugly, ugly, ugly
divorce settlement...
that her lawyer, who she's probably
schtupping on the side, will handle.
You're not still taping
All My Children every day?
I TiVo it. But seriously, you must be
flipping out that Sam is getting married...
leaving you all alone,
completely single...
with no real prospects
in the future?
That's horrible.
I feel so bad for you.
Promise me if I ever call you when
I'm suicidal, you'll refer the call.
Sure.
Here you go. Can I get some change?
Kidding.
Don't spend it all
on the slots. Red 21.
This place is-This is awesome.
Check this out. This is nuts.
What are these, satin sheets?
It's a satin-cotton blend. Possibly Egyptian
cotton if this is the high-roller room.
- Hello?
- Don't get excited.
'Cause you're not doin' any high rollin'
in this bed till tomorrow.
- Says who?
- Oh, says tradition.
You're not supposed to see the bride
until tomorrow morning.
- Where am I gonna stay?
- In the dinky room down the hall that you booked for me.
- I'm not staying in a dinky room down the hall.
- Don't be mad, sweetie.
- What?
- I think some tradition is important.
Besides, we haven't been apart
in six whole days.
It'll be fun.
We can miss each other.
- Yeah, all right.
- Hi.
What are you guys-
What are you guys gonna do without me?
- None of your business. See you at the chapel.
- Ow! Violent.
You're gonna get socked.
Ow! Ow!
- You're gonna get a half nelson.
- Ohh.
- Ninja claw! Ohh!
- Hey!
Did you see the bathroom?
It's insane. We have to take a bath.
- Okay, I'll pour the bubbles, you order the bubbly.
- Okay.
- Let's get toasted!
- I can't get too drunk. I am getting married in the morning.
- Exactly.
- Right. I'll order two bottles.
Ta-da!
I hope you didn't greet
the room service guy like that.
Hmm. Is that why he said
he didn't need a tip?
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Please tell me you work out
three hours a day and eat like a gerbil.
- Never been to a gym, and I'm a macaroni and cheese addict.
- I hate you.
If I told you I had acne until I was 21,
would that make you feel better?
- A little.
- Mm-hmm. My nickname was "Connect the Dots. "
I have a toast. To my soon-to-be
sister-in-law and my newfound friend-
That's a bathing suit you're wearing?
You're not embarrassed, are you?
Zits or no zits, my ass hasn't looked that
good since I was 17. I'm not taking off a thing.
- I have a secret I want to share, but I don't know if I should.
- You should.
- You can't tell Sam.
- Scout's honor.
Though I did get kicked out of the Brownies
for stealing money out of my cookie account.
Sam and I haven't had relations yet.
"Relations"?
Relations means my Aunt Betty.
Relations as in intercourse.
I decided to wait,
and I don't know if that was a mistake.
I mean, what if he's too big
or if I'm too small or-
T.M.I. Hasn't anyone ever told you
to test drive a car before you buy it?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Well...
I love Vegas,
and I am certain that Vegas loves me...
because I lost a bundle
on the slots last night.
- Is this five or six?
- I don't know. I lost count. But I think I'm gonna be sick.
- No, you're not. We're just getting warmed up.
- Oh, geez.
For my next number, I'd like to give
a warm welcome to my surprise guest-
the delightful and charming
Miss Charlie Kelsey.
Yeah!
- You didn't.
- Did.
- You didn't!
- Did.
- Why?
- Ooh!
Come on, honey.
How are you feeling this evening, Charlie?
Like I could throw up at any minute.
Well, that doesn't
sound too pleasant.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean because of you.
L- Can I just sit down, please?
Not too fast. Not too fast. Somebody
has gone through a lot of trouble...
to hear you sing a number
with me tonight.
#Twelve #
There, I sang a number. I'm going home.
Come on, girlfriend. I think we can do this.
We can do this. We can do this.
Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoo!
I can't believe I lost
that much money. Don't tell Sam.
- He liked you too.
- Why did that-
- He kept buying me drinks.
- Hey!
Somebody's got my purse.
Somebody's stealing it.
Ah. My wedding shoes.
- I had a good time tonight.
- Me too.
You can't go to sleep like that.
You got to get undressed.
- Can't.
- Oh, God.
- All right. I'll help you.
- Mmm!
Sleeping.
Oh. Here.
Here's a shirt.
Do you think the woman was mad...
when I asked to see her
husband's tattoo on his tush?
Hmm?
It wasn't pretty.
I still don't know
if it was a ship or a- a bunny.
Did I tell you how happy I am
you're gonna be my sister-in-law?
- About 17 times.
- Well, I mean it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that just happened.
How can this be happening? You're marrying
my brother tomorrow, for God's sake.
Oh, this can't be happening.
This is just a mistake. A meaningless,
too-much-tequila mistake.
Oh, my God!
- God, you're up early.
- Up would mean that I've been down.
You're already dressed?
I have a wicked headache.
Can we order some coffee?
Don't you think we should talk?
Okay. Can we talk while I get ready?
- Yeah. Sure. I guess.
- Great.
I can't believe I'm getting married today.
I'm not even nervous.
Good. 'Cause I'm freakin' out.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I can be so insensitive sometimes.
- Are you really upset?
- Yeah.
I would be too if it were my brother.
I'd be freakin' out.
Well, I'm past freaking out.
I'm molting.
I know it was one of those crazy,
spontaneous moments...
but don't you feel weird at all?
Not really. I mean,
I know it may seem strange...
- but the whole thing feels really natural.
- Natural?
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't feel natural. I feel subnatural.
In fact, I feel like E.T. I wanna phone home.
But if I phone home, Sam would answer,
and that wouldn't be good.
- Yeah, you were just taken by surprise.
- Surprise?
Gray, come on. Sit down.
- Listen to me.
- I'm listening.
Anyone would tell you
the exact same thing.
It is 100% normal to be feeling upset,
sad, freaked out.
In fact, considering everything...
I think you're handling
the whole thing really well.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Your brother is getting married...
and deep down inside you feel
like you're losing him.
That's why you think
I'm freaking out?
You think I'm having
separation anxiety?
There's only one thing that
can keep a marriage together...
and that is love.
Oh.
As the lucky messenger
of our Lord and Savior above...
I look to the two of you
with your bright smiles of devotion...
and promise of commitment
here in the very house of the Lord above!
- This place is nuts.
- But before I continue, I must ask...
if there's anybody here
who has any objection whatsoever...
to the union of these two lovebirds.
I'm sorry. Carry on.
Go ahead.
As I was saying...
if there's anybody here
who has an objection to the union...
of these two love angels,
speak their piece now.
Oh, my God! Look out!
Your hiccups gone?
- Actually, yes.
- Good. Great.
Carry on, Minister.
No one objects.
- Right?
- Right.
Then by the power vested in me
by the glorious state of Nevada...
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride, yeah.
Hi. I'd like a hot dog with kraut on
one side and relish on the other...
with ketchup on the kraut and mustard on
the relish, but don't let the two touch.
Sydney, I need to talk to you right away.
This is an emergency. Call me.
Now reach to your right.
Station your left leg
on the rock in the middle.
All right, Gray,
what's really going on?
I canceled a session with someone today
because you said it was an emergency.
- It is.
- Well, then?
Take a deep breath-
And tell me what's going on.
Three short breaths, one long. That's
what Sam and I did when we were kids...
- and there was something that was difficult to talk about.
- Fine. Then do that.
- I think I'm gay.
- What was that?
- I can't say it again.
- Did you just say "I think I'm gay"?
It's like this. For years,
I thought I was content being single...
and I wasn't really
interested in a relationship.
I thought that when Mr. Right
came into my life, he just would.
He
- He wouldn't need some fancy invitation. He wouldjust arrive.
And then I realized that it's not Mr.
Right I'm waiting for. It's Mrs. Right.
- Oh.
- And I think I found her.
And I kissed her-
And I think she kissed me back,
but I'm not sure...
'cause I never kissed a girl before,
and I'm not sure what the rules are.
But I know that I liked it.
And I think I like her.
Now I feel nauseous again.
Why do you think you feel nauseous?
Do you think you committed some terrible
sin just because you kissed a girl?
Why? If you're two consenting adults,
what's so terrible about that?
Well, I don't know if she consented.
She was very drunk.
Oh, so you believe
you forced her to kiss you?
No. No, not at all.
She kissed me.
- Okay, I'm confused now.
- So am I.
Y- You don't know what it's like.
One day you think you're one thing...
and the next day you realize
you're something else.
I feel like I'm Dorothy in
The Wizard of Oz.
I'm in this new land
and I want to get home...
but something is telling me
maybe this is my home.
Maybe I shouldn't click
my heels three times.
Maybe I should just stay here
and be nauseous with the Munchkins.
What scares you most
about this whole thing?
That I'll lose Sam and he'll
never talk to me again.
Well, why would Sam even care?
Call me crazy, but he might be
a little upset I kissed his wife.
Whoa!
- Are you all right?
- Oh, God.
Y- You're looking pale.
Maybe you should take some deep breaths.
- I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not. I'm a wreck.
I haven't slept in three days.
I've taken 42 showers.
I've been to a church, a temple and a mosque,
begging for forgiveness.
The Mormon place wouldn't let me in.
I think we need to talk about this
on level ground.
You're not thinking straight.
- No kidding.
- We need to get down.
- Listen to me.
- I'm listening.
- You're not gay.
- I'm not?
- No, you're not.
- How do you know?
- Because it's textbook.
- Insanity?
No. What you did was normal.
It was almost predictable.
You were so jealous of Charlie...
that you subconsciously tried
to sabotage Sam's marriage.
Read my lips.
- You are not gay.
- I'm not?
- No, you're not.
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
- Because my mind is reeling with feelings and emotions...
- and my heart's telling me-
- Actually, our time is up for today.
Now, forget about Sam
and get out there and date.
Your hotel is open for business.
Got it?
Now, I will see you next week
at the batting cages at Chelsea Piers.
Nice climb.
My hotel is open. I have suites, junior suites,
deluxe accommodations available.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- That's a great outfit.
- Thanks.
You know, actually, my grandfather
once told me it's much nicer to say...
"That outfit looks
very becoming on you. "
Well, thanks to you and your pops.
Whoa. That coffee smells great.
I'm on this no-caffeine kick
right now...
but I still find myself hanging around
Starbucks trying to get an aroma buzz.
Actually, it's not all coffee.
It's one-third coffee,
one-third cocoa, one-third chai...
with a little bit of steamed soy and
cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg.
Wow. That's a new one.
- What was that?
- Mmm- Nothing.
Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?
Wow. That-That took guts.
Would you?
Sure. What time?
- Um, Raoul's at 10:00.
- All right. Well, I'll see you then.
Great. Are you going up?
- Down.
- Okay. See you tonight.
- Oh!
- Are-Are you okay?
- Is anything sprained? Broken? Maybe we should call a doctor.
- I'm fine, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?
Say 8:00 at Raoul's?
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, you know,
I'm a pretty busy guy.
I'm usually booked up every night.
I'd have to-
I'd have to check my schedule.
- Yeah! Yeah, I think I can do that.
- Great.
Cool.
Hey, Gray. Gray Ghost.
You need a little help?
Oh, you did some serious- Oh!
Damage.
Holy smokes.
Look at you.
What's the occasion?
- I got a couple of dates tonight.
- A couple?
Yeah. I got a 8:00 dinner with one,
and I got a 10:00 dinner with the other.
That's great. Did you get that rash
you always get before you go out?
- No. Why did you remind me?
- Just trying to help.
- Look, is now a good time to talk?
- About what?
I wanted to check in, see when you thought
you might get your own place.
I know we get along great,
and Charlie loves you...
but we are newlyweds so I thought you might-
Do you know how hard it is to find
a rent-controlled place in the city?
Why do I have to be the one to move?
One, the lease is in my name,
and, two, I found the apartment.
'Cause a 90-year-old woman
died on your shift at the hospital.
Her body wasn't even cold before you were
calling the super, claiming to be her nephew.
I didn't hear you complaining. As a
matter of fact, you went to her funeral.
That's 'cause I'm sensitive and not
mean like you. You can't kick me out.
I decorated the whole apartment.
I even grouted the bathroom tiles myself.
I'm just saying maybe
you should start looking, that's all.
- I hate you! I really do.
- Hey, hey! Hey!
I can hear you guys yelling from around the block.
What's going on?
- I wasn't yelling. She was yelling.
- I was. I hate him!
- Why? What did he do now?
- Me?
- That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?
- He's kicking me out.
Sam, I thought we spoke about this.
We'll get our own place once I get
a full-time position at the aquarium.
- Until then, it's fine. I actually kind oflike it.
- You do?
Yeah. It's fun.
I love living with the both of you.
- What's wrong?
- Shit.
She has a couple of dates tonight...
- and her chest just broke out into hives.
- Oh.
Hey. I think-
I don't know if you remember me...
- but I think you drove me before.
- Oh, you're not very fond of Florida...
and when you refer
to Ginger's companion...
you're not talking
about sushi or wasabi.
Not bad.
- Where's that funny accent of yours from?
- Oh...
a funny place called Scotland.
- What brings you to New York?
- Fame and fortune, of course.
- Hmm. How's that goin'?
- Well, let's see.
I've had two auditions so far.
The first one was for the lead
in a tampon spot-
the role of the tampon,
of course-
and then, uh, the second one
was a voice-over...
for a pest-control infomercial.
And I didn't get that part.
They, uh-They said that they
thought roaches didn't have accents.
I begged to differ,
but I didn't want to seem argumentative.
Hmm.
Don't worry. I'm not contagious.
- I'm not worried.
- What can I say? I am a mess.
You don't look like a mess.
You look as cute as a button.
And buttons aren't messy.
Well, looks can be deceiving.
You know, back home in Scotland,
I was captain of the local football team.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
And all my mates used to come to me
with their problems.
They said I was pretty good.
So-
I'm all ears if you want to talk to someone
from the outside, you know?
Hmm. That's sweet, but it would take
all night to tackle my laundry list.
Thanks.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
I'm crazy about you.
And I'm counting the minutes
until I see you again.
- Hey, that's my line.
- I'm an actor.
We get paid to steal
other people's lines.
See ya.
Uh, seriously, though-
Could I give you
a lift home tonight?
I could come and fetch you about, say,
just before midnight.
No charge.
- Okay.
- Great.
- Excuse me. Can I get another double vodka martini?
- Sure.
With three olives
and a tiny splash of vermouth.
- Okay. - And just a hint-
a hint- of salt on the rim.
- Yeah.
- A little water, please, also?
Of course.
Would you like to hear the specials?
- Please. -
Yeah. - Fantastic.
Tonight we have
a braised lamb shank...
marinated in a rosemary-lime sauce.
That's served
with a creamed pumpkin squash.
We also have
a grilled halibut steak...
in a soy-tamari lemon-zest glaze.
And that comes with grilled seaweed
and an orange and almond salad.
Do we know what we'd like?
Yes. I'll have the halibut with the pumpkin
squash and the rosemary-lime sauce...
and not the soy-tamari-lemon stuff.
Oh, that does sound good, doesn't it?
Yeah, they don't come together.
- Well, can you make 'em come together?
- I'll try.
Try hard.
And I'll have the duck confit.
Excellent.
Coming right up.
Conrad, I'm impressed. You duked the guy.
I didn't know you had it in you.
There's a lot in me
that you don't know about.
I'm a burnin'sex machine
just waitin'to be used and abused by you.
The harder, the better.
Check, please.
...as much as I can,
but it's not good.
- How?
- I don't know.
So wait.
Let me just get this straight.
So you love Capra...
you run in the park, you tango...
you live for Italy,
and you hate asparagus.
Are you sure we weren't
separated at birth?
- You don't play poker, do you?
- I've been playing with the same buddies...
every Thursday since I was 15.
I'm a five-card stud girl, myself.
Closed hand, deuces wild.
I love it when you talk dirty.
This is actually fun.
I have to admit. I usually
dread the whole first-date thing.
You know, the awkward lulls
in the conversation.
Then the anxious pain in the pit
of my stomach when I can't wait...
for the night to end,
but I'm feeling no pain, no lulls.
Yeah, I'm feeling rather
painless and "lull-less" myself.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
But, uh, I do want to be honest
with you about something.
Oh, no. Honesty on the first date.
That has a bad ring to it.
See, I was so flattered with the way
you asked me out in the elevator.
- I know. Don't tell me. You're married.
- Actually, I'm not married...
but Stewart and I have been
living together for years.
- Yeah.
- Stewart-
- Am I a moron or what?
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
- I can't help it. I'm hopeless.
- You're not.
- I'm a walking Dear Abby column.
- Hold on a minute, darling.
All you need is some space...
some fresh air and some perspective.
Fresh air, space and perspective
in New York City.
Stick with me.
This is unbelievable.
Isn't this fantastic?
Yeah, it's one of the perks
of the job.
I giveJimmy the doorman
free rides...
and he lets me come up here
whenever I fancy.
I love this city.
Oh, me too.
You know, it's funny,
'cause sometimes, up here...
everything is so tall and grand.
Even my biggest problems,
you know...
suddenly seem very wee.
Within seconds
they just melt away like tiny dewdrops.
You're so sweet.
Thanks for cheering me up.
Ah, it's my pleasure.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
I've been wanting to do that...
from the moment I saw your face
in my rearview mirror.
What's wrong?
Oh, Christ. Was it awful?
L- I'm a wee bit out of practice.
No, it wasn't awful.
You're a really nice kisser.
Well, thank you.
Your lips seem...
nice and supple too.
But I'm sensing that, uh-
Your heart's not doing
the Riverdance thing that mine is.
Gordy, I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- For what?
For being me.
Ah, there's nothing wrong with that.
I happen to think
you're pretty dandy.
So you're gay.
Big deal.
- How did you know?
- Just a feeling, I suppose.
That and the fact that you haven't shut up
about Charlie all night.
And every time you mentioned
her name you got that little...
sparkle thing in your eyes.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Ah.
That's easy.
You're gonna move on
with your life...
start being the person
that you're supposed to be...
instead of wasting your time
pretending to be someone that you're not.
I mean, crikey.
Are you not exhausted?
I am, but it's so much easier
to keep pretending.
Oh, but easy is so bloody boring!
Isn't it?
As your newfound friend...
I am prescribing a remedy for you.
That's part of the remedy.
This is the remedy.
"I am woman. Hear me roar. "
Helen Reddy.
She'll sort you out.
There are a few things
I'd like to know about you too.
All right. What would you like to know?
Oh, just about anything.
Things you like.
Things you don't like.
Where you went to school. Who was your
first beau. What you want out oflife.
- Mmm. That's a tall order. Where shall I start?
- Oh, my God.
- Till the Clouds Roll By.
- I guess I like what everyone likes.
That's one of my favorite
all-time movies.
I know every line and every step.
Me too.
- Will you dance with me?
- Oh, no, thank you. No.
- Go ahead and dance with her.
- No, no, I can't.
Will you dance with me?
I sure will, baby.
Watch this.
- Do you know this dance?
- Yeah.
What's goin' on?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I hate when you ask so many questions.
It's so annoying.
Sorry. You okay?
- I'm fine.
- All I asked was, what's going on?
Nothing. I'm going to bed, okay? Got
any questions you want to ask about that?
She must be ovulating.
I heard that. Huh?
- How you doin'?
- How you doin'?
Mmm. She's the best.
Strong, independent, feisty.
- Who are you talking about?
- Who else? Queen Oprah.
Oprah. Oprah the Great.
Oprah- I love her.
Do you understand
that I'm obsessed with her?
Like, I think she is so great
that she should start her own religion.
I love her so much
that if she and Steadman...
couldn't have children
and needed a little bit of help...
I would surrogate a child for them.
That's right, I would have Oprah's baby.
That's how much I love her.
Wow. That's a lot of love.
Last night I was so inspired after watching
her show about loving your body that-
- Do you know what I did today?
- What?
- I quit Weight Watchers.
- Get out!
Yeah! Can you believe it?
I quit. Fergie, "smergie. "
I hate fiber.
I like Mallomars.
And if Dereck isn't going to love me
for the tiny amount...
of cellulite I have
on the back of my thighs...
- then fuck him- Screw that guy.
- Yeah.
This is the package, okay?
It's exactly the same under the wrapping.
This is the package.
No exchanges, no returns.
- Yes.
- Right?
- Hot!
- Thank you.
I mean, why does
our society push us...
to be perpetually uncomfortable
with who we are?
It's so messed up.
You wanna know why?
Here. This is why.
"Boost your buttocks in five days. "
"Luscious liposuction. "
"The flawless face-lift. "
That's why.
Enough is enough.
We need to stop letting
society and-and media...
and our religious leaders
delegate who we are.
You're amazing,
and I'm even more amazing...
and anybody who doesn't get it
can go screw themselves!
That felt fantastic.
Spewing is a wonderful thing.
Forget spinning classes.
They should have spewing classes.
That's what they should have.
Where are you going? You have a
creative meeting in five minutes.
What are you doing here?
- That page wasn't from you, was it?
- It was.
This better be good. I'm about to
get prepped for surgery. What is it?
- I need to tell you something.
- I'm listening.
Maybe you should just
get prepped for surgery-
Maybe you should perform the surgery.
I'll come back later.
Gray.
I have to tell you something.
It's not easy.
It's really major,
and I don't know how to say it.
- Why don't you take three short
breaths and one- - One long.
- I'm gay.
- What?
- As in Marvin.
- What?
As in, take the "R" out of"Gray,"
and- Bingo!
Oh.
- That's great.
- What about it is great?
- It's great that you're coming out.
- Don't tell me you knew.
Gray, of course I knew.
How can you know
when I didn't even know?
I'm smarter than you. I've known since second
grade, when you had a crush on Mrs. Wertheimer...
- and tried to look up her skirt.
- She was cute, wasn't she?
Tell you, I'm proud of you, Gray.
- This is a big moment. This is huge.
- It's big, all right...
but there's one other thing
I haven't told you, and it's even bigger.
Bigger. Yeah.
It can't possibly be bigger than this.
- Well, I guess it depends on how you see it.
- What is it?
- I'm in love with her.
- Who?
- Her.
- Who her?
- Your wife.
- Whose wife?
Yours. I'm in love with Charlie.
- Is this your idea of a bad joke?
- I would never joke about it.
I love the way she talked
and walked and looked and felt...
but it really kicked in
after we kissed.
Kissed?
What do you mean, kissed?
Are you saying you kissed my wife?
Only once,
and technically she wasn't your wife.
It was the night
before your wedding.
I'm sorry.
Look, I never expected this to happen.
Just tell me off.
Just yell at me.
I know I'm a terrible person.
I'm a terrible, terrible person.
Gray, I want you to pack up your shit
and get it out of the apartment...
by the time I get home tonight,
because we're done.
All right? We're done.
There has to be a reason.
Why would she move out
without talking to us about it...
or even telling us
where she was going?
- Why are you so concerned?
- What is that supposed to mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything.
- You seem obsessed about my sister, that's all.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
- I'm just worried about her.
Aren't you happy we'll
have the place to ourselves?
- Of course I'm happy.
- All right then.
- That's not the issue.
- What's the issue?
Did you guys get
in a fight or something?
- What aren't you telling me?
- I'm not telling you anything.
- Is there something you want to tell me?
- Like what?
I don't know.
You tell me.
Sam, what's going on?
You're acting weird. You love your sister.
Yes, I love my sister. How about you?
Do you love my sister?
Of course I love your sister.
I think she's great.
"Great. " How great?
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing. Nothing.
You know what? I'm late.
I gotta go, okay? I'll see you later.
Sam?
So as you can see, the consumers love
to think of nothing but C-Pro.
- B-Pro.
- What?
- B-Pro. You said "C-Pro. "
- I did?
Yeah, you said C-Pro.
I'm very sorry.
Would you excuse me for a minute?
I have to get a glass of water.
Take your time.
I'll be back in just one minute.
I'll... be back.
Gray, hang in there. You're doing just fine.
- No, I'm not doing fine. I'm the Titanic.
- No!
- Yes.
- You just gotta-You gotta get focused.
You gotta center yourself,
and you gotta march back in there...
and you show them who's the boss.
Who's the Boss? I hated that show.
I love Alyssa Milano.
I don't like Tony Danza, and Judith Light
had really weird hair, but-
Gray! You gotta focus.
Focus, okay?
You gotta get out of your head
and get into your body.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Get out of your head.
Get out of your head.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Take a deep breath.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Center yourself.
- And go.
- Go.
Go.
Gimme a "P."Gimme an "R."
Gimme an "O."
What's that spell?
B- Pro!
Yeah! Whoo!
Lana, what the hell are you doing?
I promoted Miss Valentine to creative
executive on the Bartlett account...
because I thought it would be best
to show Julia two perspectives.
- You mean the one of her tits and the one of her ass?
- Gray!
I'm sure that Lana
has 36 double-D ideas...
for the account, and I'll just give you
your privacy to fondle through them.
I think that was a brilliant comeback.
Clever and descriptive.
I'm sure it cost me my job.
Well, with copy like that,
they should be begging you to stay.
Here. Drink that
while it's still hot.
That, young lady,
is my granny's secret recipe.
Mmm! This is so good.
What's in this?
Oh, uh, tea, milk, honey
and a wee bit of nutmeg.
Gordy, you are amazing.
You barely know me
and you're such a great friend.
You're gonna make
some lucky girl very happy one day.
So are you.
God, everything is so complicated.
If it was 30 years ago,
I could just move away and join a convent.
Those outfits are so hideous.
You know, if you want
my advice-
and I don't suppose you do,
but I'm going to give it to you anyway.
- I think you have to go and talk to Charlie.
- About what?
You have to tell her the truth.
- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
I mean, for all you know,
she might feel the same way about you.
Come on. Her name is Charlie.
You've got a shot.
But you won't know that
until you talk to her.
What if I made it up? What if she
doesn't even remember the kiss?
What if you go through
your entire life saying, "What if?"
What happens if she does
feel the same way?
What about Sam?
He'll never talk to me again.
- He doesn't talk to you now.
- That's just 'cause he hates me.
And do you foresee that
ever changing?
- He can't hate me forever.
- Mm-hmm. Just drink your tea.
This is so good.
Are you sure this is just tea,
nutmeg and honey?
Wee bit of whiskey.
- Would you like some shortbread?
- Mmm!
What kind of shortbread is this?
Mmm, short.
God, they're so beautiful
and magical and peaceful.
Will they have babies here?
I don't think so.
That's Lucy, and she's Ethel.
- They're an item?
- Mm-hmm.
They never spend a moment apart.
It's very common.
I'm actually doing a study on
homosexuality among mammals.
- You are?
- I'm concentrating on whales...
but did you know
that over 50% of elephants are gay?
- How do they test that?
- They pipe in the Village People...
over loudspeakers
and watch their feet.
I'm kidding.
So where've you been hiding?
I've left three messages and no answer,
and Sam won't say a word.
I'm sorry.
I've just been a little preoccupied.
Anything you want to talk about?
Do you remember that night we spent together
in Las Vegas before you got married to Sam?
Barely. I mean, I remember
having a great time...
but I think you got me too drunk
to remember anything else.
Why? Did I say something
really stupid?
- It's not what you said.
- God. What did I do?
I don't know if you did anything.
It might have just been me.
- Oh, my God. I remember.
- You do?
- Yes. I'm such an idiot.
- No, you're not.
How could you let
your brother marry me?
I didn't know if you were conscious
of what was going on.
Of course I was conscious.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
I'm so relieved we're talking about it.
- Was I completely off-key?
- What?
I sounded like a cat in heat,
didn't I?
Is that what you think
we're talking about?
Oh, God.
Did I do something else?
- No. That was it.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Tell the truth.
Did you try to convince Sam
not to marry me?
There was no convincing him.
Trust me. If I could have, I would have.
You know, every morning
I wake up before Sam does...
and I just watch him.
I just lie there and stare.
And I love the way his nose wrinkles
when he's dreaming...
and the little purring sound that he makes
when he's about to wake up.
And the way that he keeps his hand
on my thigh the whole night...
just to let me know that he's there.
And I know it may seem crazy...
but love is crazy, isn't it?
It sure is.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was cleaning out the closet.
I found Dad's old projector.
Is that you?
Yeah.
Cute little surgeon, wasn't I?
You're so lucky.
I never had a brother or sister.
Oh!
I don't know what's going on
between the two of you...
but you have to work it out, Sam.
Just talk to her.
- You wanted to see me?
- Oh, yeah. Gray.
Seems Julia wasn't thrilled with the way
our last presentation went.
Why don't you go ahead and fire me?
I don't need to be embarrassed or
humiliated or patronized anymore.
- Actually, I was gonna give
you a promotion, but- - What?
I asked Jordan to make you the executive
creative director on my account...
and to give you free rein
to do whatever you want.
Carrie told me that the cheerleader idea
was yours.
I think you have great ideas.
You just haven't been given the freedom
to explore them fully.
I like your energy,
your spunk, your candidness...
and I think
with the right support...
you're gonna give me
exactly what I'm looking for.
Wow!
- I don't know what to say.
- Sorry to interrupt, Gray...
but your 12::00 meeting with Brother
Electronics is in the small conference room.
Oh, I don't have a 12:00 meeting
with Brother Electronics.
They said they confirmed it
with your office.
Please, go ahead.
I don't want to hold you up.
Thank you so much.
You will not be sorry.
Thank you, Mr. Phillips.
I will not let you down.
Isn't she adorable?
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
I didn't have you in my book.
Hey.
See, you forgot your toothbrush...
and I figured a toothbrush that
is part hard, part soft bristles...
must be hard to come by.
Is that all?
You just came to give me my toothbrush?
And to say I'm sorry.
I overreacted-
Little bit. Not a lot. Little bit.
After all, you have to admit...
it's a pretty exceptional situation, right?
- Uh-huh.
- On the other hand...
I'm not quite sure
why I got so surprised...
'cause if you think about it...
it's almost inevitable that you and I
would end up liking the same girl, isn't it?
You're acting
- You're acting very rational. It's too rational.
You used to do this
when we were kids.
Then I'd turn around
and you'd tackle me.
I should be getting my knees
in the lock-down position.
You know, Gray-
Gray, you're not just my sister.
You're my best friend.
You know that, right?
Being without you
I feel like one half of me is missing.
Lately I've been feeling
very lopsided.
- Oh, Sam.
- Just 'cause you're totally gay...
and in love with my wife doesn't mean
we can't work things out.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Ooh. Now, this is good.
I knew it wasn't me.
I knew it wasn't me!
- Oh, my-
- Gray!
Gray! Gray!
How ya doin'? How ya doin'?
Nothin' to see here, folks.
Put your eyes back in your heads.
Hey, what-
- What are you doing?
- I wanna die right now, in this elevator.
- I never wanna see another human being ever again.
- No. Look.
Gray, listen to me.
This is not as bad-
Who cares what those people think?
I care. They're probably calling
Jerry Springer right now as we speak.
No. No, they're not.
I don't think he has a show anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what?
For having to be related to me.
- Gray, don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, I just feel-
Gray, look. You're just-
You're just coming out, okay?
- I am never coming out of this elevator.
- This is probably...
the biggest revelation
of your entire life.
It's normal to be going nuts.
- It's normal.
- I don't feel normal.
I'm sick and tired of everyone saying
it's normal, it's typical, it's ordinary.
I don't feel any of those things.
Well, how do you feel?
- Lonely.
- Why?
Because I'm never gonna be able
to walk down the street...
holding hands with my partner...
without the rest of the world
giving us a look.
I may never have the wedding
that I once dreamed of...
and I may never have children...
and one day, when I die...
people will never give
as much respect to my grieving lover...
as if she were my husband.
Gray...
it's not as if you made a choice.
That's what terrifies me.
It's so much easier
to be someone else.
Do you remember
when we were kids-
you would have been
about six-
and Dad came home to tell Mom
he was leaving her for Mrs. Rosemont.
Yeah.
Remember we stayed
in the closet all night...
just cuddled up like
two little mice and...
listened to their whole fight.
I was...
so angry.
I was... hurt.
I was just-
I was mad, and I wanted to go out there
and kick his ass...
- and you remember what you said to me?
- Hmm.
You were just six...
but you said it was gonna be okay...
that Dad was not gonna live a lie...
that he was gonna try
and be happy...
and that everyone
deserved to be happy.
I said that?
- Yeah.
- I was so profound.
Why are you being so nice to me?
- You should hate me.
- For what? For having good taste?
You never have to worry about it.
I mean, she's completely,
madly, passionately...
like cow-jump-over-the-moon
in love with you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's great... for me.
Not so great for you.
But you're not gonna
make me feel guilty for this are you?
Mm-mmm.
Gray, you know what?
You can't expect the first girl
that you fall in love with...
to love you back.
That's-That's not how it works.
That would be the equivalent
of settling down when you were age 12.
You haven't gone
through gay puberty yet.
- I think I'm ready to come out.
- To everyone?
- No. Of the elevator.
- Of the elevator.
I should have broken up
with Dereck ages ago.
I am having the best time.
- So what about you? Have you met anyone yet?
- Not yet.
Really? Girls should be lining up
around the block for you.
- What's your type?
- I don't have a type.
I mean, like the basics.
Like, brunette, blonde, short, tall?
It depends, I guess.
- Funny. You need funny.
- Funny would be good.
- And stylish. No Birkenstocks.
- That's for sure.
And for the love of God,
don't wind up...
with one of those ladies
who doesn't believe in waxing.
- You're killing me.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever been attracted to me?
- No.
- Really?
- No.
- Not even a little?
- No.
- Huh. Oh.
Not even last year, when I was in shape
after taking those Pilates classes?
Or last week when I wore that pink
MarcJacobs dress to work...
and you told me how cute I looked?
You looked so cute. You are cute,
but, you know, not cute that way, cute.
Hmm. Wow.
That's so depressing.
It's not like I'm into girls,
but if I was a girl who was into girls...
I'd definitely be into me,
'cause I think I'm a catch.
You are a catch,
but, uh, I don't know, you're not my type.
Hmm. But you said
you don't have a type.
- You gotta stop talking about this.
- All right.
Wait. Don't you usually have
therapy at lunchtime on Thursdays?
Oh, my God.
I'm so late. Shoot.
Okay. You know, I don't really want to go,
so watch this.
Sydney, it's Gray.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I don't
wanna go to the batting cages...
and I don't wanna go rock climbing
or bowling or anywhere with you...
'cause I'm feeling
really good about myself...
and I don't think you're a very good
therapist for me, so you're fired.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
- That was crazy.
- Can you believe I just did that?
That was amazing.
Do you want to get a mani-pedi
before we go back to work?
- Sure. I need a pedicure.
- Yeah.
What if I dyed my hair red?
Would you be attracted to me then?
- Yes.
- Really?
- You're hot.
- Ooh, mah-moo!
I can't go through with this.
- Yes, you can.
- Why do I have to?
Because you're gay,
and you have to start behavin' like it.
What am I supposed to do?
Wear a sign on my forehead?
No, but you haven't
had sex with a woman yet...
and, you know,
that's like being black...
and never having listened
to theJackson Five...
or being Jewish
and never having a knish...
or being Indian and never
having had a curry or being-
Or being Scottish
and not keeping your mouth shut?
- I suppose so. Come on.
- Hi.
Sorry. No men allowed.
Wh- Isn't that against the law?
- And I'm only goin' in for a wee minute.
- Yeah.
- No exceptions. No men.
- Forget it.
Well, just go in by yourself.
I can't go in by myself.
Are you kidding?
I have an idea.
I would like an Apricot Sour, please.
I'll have a Cosmo.
Not too much cranberry.
And a touch of lemon
and a squeeze of lime.
And a little bit of sugar
on the rim.
Comin' up.
Apricot Sour?
I thought that was what you women drank,
for Christ's sakes.
- One of your eyelashes is coming off.
- Give me a mirror, quick.
Hi. Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, no.
Um, I don't drink.
See, but thanks.
You don't?
Shut up.
This is quite tasty, actually.
Let's get out of here.
I'm not gonna meet anyone here.
Hey, give it a minute.
Oh, my God.
It's Julia Bartlett.
- Quick, quick. I gotta get out of here.
- Why?
- Can't have her see me in a gay bar.
- Hello. Is there anybody in?
No. Her? You think?
Gray, did your mom ever tell you...
what your I.Q. Scores were?
- Hi, Gray.
- Hello.
- It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
I'm just taking a break
from working on your account.
Gray, I didn't come over here
to check up on you.
Um, hello.
Uh, my name's Georgette.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
And, uh, lovely.
And I'm just gonna
leave you two to, uh-
to, uh- to catch up on everything.
- Mmm. Lovely.
- Don't go.
Yeah, it was lovely to see you too.
Really nice. Really nice.
Dutch way-Three kisses.
So, uh-
Fine. It's fine.
I'm fine. You're fine. Everything's gonna
be fine, and I've got to go now. Bye.
You really surprised me
the other day.
I had no idea you were gay.
That makes two of us.
You're not just coming out, are you?
Put it this way.
My hotel's been closed
for a long time...
but tonight's the grand opening.
There have been a few
fake openings...
but tonight's the real deal.
L- No, I don't understand.
Yes, I'm just coming out.
I don't think anyone in here will mind.
You really are adorable.
I always thought so.
Really?
From day one, in that little
cream, pin-striped suit you were wearing.
I like that suit too.
I think I got it at,
uh, Banana Republic.
Or maybe it was, uh,
Emporio Armani.
Actually, it could have been Barneys,
but the shirt was from Bloomies.
Listen. I have this
beautiful bottle of cognac...
that I just brought back
from France, and I would-
- I'd love to share it with you.
- You have it here with you?
No. My place.
- Oh.
- Central Park West and 85th.
Uh, okay, well-
I like cognac.
I like cognac.
I like brandy too.
Usually I have a little cognac
with a splash of brandy on the side.
I have brandy too.
- Give it up. You're toast.
- You're gonna eat those words.
Come on, Gray! Come on!
- No.
- Come on. Turn around.
Hey, hey!
You're the best.
You're amazing.
What do you say?
Beers on me. Cold beers on me.
Let's go!
Wonderful.
Weren't they wonderful?
Come on.
Keep it going, Gray.
- Hey.
- Help!
- Okay.
- Help. Ohh.
- Don't rush over, okay?
- You pick up something for dinner?
- Yeah. Mmm.
- What do you got?
- Okay, I got us steak.
- Good.
- And chicken.
- Good.
- And fish.
- And fish.
- And tofu.
- Good.
- And tempeh.
- Oh, great. We got tempeh.
Then I got the regular essentials,
like asparagus and lettuce.
I got it.
I'm not home, okay?
Don't answer it, okay? Let's-
Hello? Hey, Carrie. Who?
Yeah, she's right here.
Hey, honey.
- Dinner? No. We just rented a DVD.
- Raging Bull.
- We go out. I hate when you say that.
- I hate it when she says that.
- Okay, uh, do you want a, uh, merlot or cabernet?
- Oh, here we go.
Do you want something fruity
or full-bodied and do-
Okay. Okay. What- Californian, French,
Argentinean, Chilean, Australian, Span-
- Still at it?
- Okay, you don't have to yell.
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. That is amazing.
Oh, my God. Carrie.
Do you believe this?
Ta-da!
I would like to say something.
To Carrie and Dereck
and their lovely friends.
Oh, my goodness.
I don't know what it means,
but it sounded beautiful.
- It's a fake accent. He's from Poughkeepsie.
- God, he is adorable.
I could eat him alive.
Do you think he's single?
- I don't think he plays on your team.
- But he's overweight.
And poofs are rarely beefy. I wrote
a piece about that in a magazine once.
- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.
Carrie, do you have
the new Liza Minnelli CD?
- Mmm. Okay, and scratch my last comment. Cheers.
- Cheers.
How's that new campaign coming along?
Carrie tells me it's been brutal.
- Oh, uh, more for you, yeah?
- Yes.
- Red or white?
- I'll have red. Actually, I'll have white.
- Okay.
- You know, I'll have both.
- All right.
- Um, well, Julia Bartlett is not an easygoing client.
- She's the worst.
- If Carrie wasn't on the account, I'd pull my hair out.
Oh, honey.
- Doesn't mean you're getting
a promotion before me.
- Ooh, you sneaky little bitch.
- So, um, what do you do?
I'm doing my, uh, surgical residency
at Mount Sinai Hospital...
with a specialty in, uh-
heart transplants.
- Oh, fabulous.
- Thanks.
And how long have
you two been together?
- Us two?
- Mm-hmm.
Thirty years.
- I'm sorry. Did I miss something?
- Well, you're kidding, right?
- No.
- Gray's my sister.
Oh, my God!
No! Ick! No, I'm-
I just- I thought that you
two were an item. Well, I just-
- What? These-These two?
- Well, yeah. You seem so-
So?
I don't know.
So together, I guess.
Hey, what'd I miss?
- Um, she thinks we're together.
- Like "together"together?
- Like screwing each other together.
- Ugh!
You're not the first one
to think that, Elaine.
- Let me tell you.
- What?
- They're very codependent.
- We are not!
- Come on. - You rarely spend
a minute apart. But if that's-
- We do too.
- All day at work, we never see each other.
How about that- Remember?
You want to know something? I've even seen
them share the same toothbrush.
- One time.
- Oh, ick.
- One time is- it's creepy. - L- Listen.
I think that your relationship is charming.
- Thank you.
- Have you ever French-kissed?
That's beautiful.
- We're gonna end up like the Delany sisters.
- Who?
You know, the sisters that were 103
and 105, and they never got married...
and they just did yoga and headstands
together every day.
That's what we should do.
Do headstands together.
Get the circulation flowing.
It'd be good for us.
- I'm serious. We need to venture out.
- To where? When?
I'm too busy to date,
and I'm not goin' to bars.
The girls there, all they do is they talk
about how fat they are. They're not fat.
They're not fat girls.
They're thin girls that think they're fat.
You know what I want? I want a girl who's
not afraid to eat a hot fudge sundae, okay...
and have no guilt attached,
that's what I want.
Can't you meet a cute intern
at the hospital?
Wrong. Can't do it. Too dangerous.
You can't have sexual tension
and cut an artery. It's awkward.
Okay, I'll look for a hot fudge sundae girl
for you, and you look for a guy for me...
- who is deep and sensitive and funny.
- Okay.
Someone who doesn't think Ginger Rogers
is one of the Spice Girls.
- Okay.
- Someone who wouldn't consider going to Florida traveling.
- All right.
- Someone who's not afraid of Ethiopian food.
Somebody who doesn't think
Truffaut's a kind of mushroom.
Someone who would call me
an hour after our first date and say...
"I am crazy about you, and I'm counting
the minutes until I could see you again. "
That's not gonna be easy, darlin'.
Ethiopian food, I-I like that.
Eatin' with your fingers, things.
It's quite festive.
Hey, Jimmy.
Happy birthday!
- Hi, Tommy.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry about that.
Hey, Jenny, I promise I'll write
my daytimes. I totally forgot.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My Weight Watchers meeting went over,
and it was too good to leave.
Why do you still go to those meetings?
You have an awesome figure.
Oh, thanks.
Dereck thinks that I have flabby thighs.
He has nerve. He has a receding hairline.
Did you mention that to him?
- Did you tell him to go to receding hairline meetings?
- Yeah, I know. Right?
But trust me. The entertainment factor
alone is worth it. Today, it was so crazy.
There was this woman who was all mad at
her husband for not letting her have dessert.
So she breaks into
the Soho Chocolate Factory...
and tried to drown herself
in a vat of chocolate.
- No.
- Yes.
- Like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka?
- Exactly.
It's like the cuckoo show.
Ooh, let's see
who's in Page Six today.
We need to focus. I have a B-Pro
presentation in three minutes...
with copy that's so pedestrian it sounds
like a crossing guard wrote it.
What happened to that cheerleading idea?
That was so good.
- It's so cool and kitsch. Kitsch is in.
- You think it was good?
I told Lana about it.
She said it was a big mistake.
- She says Julia Bartlett hates kitsch.
- Lana? Don't listen to Lana.
She's Mr. Phillips's secretary.
What does she know?
I do think she does a lot more
than just type for him.
- Give it up.
- Okay. You want to hear this? I heard some hot gossip.
- Yeah. - Lana-Wait, I feel
like somebody's listening-
Lana goes to Kemiko,
my pedicurist...
and told her, who then told
Mrs. Karaquesh, my dry cleaner...
- she and Mr. Phillips have been seeing each other for months.
- No!
I know it's accurate gossip
'cause Mrs. Karaquesh never gossips.
- Oh, my God!
- Ever.
- Hey, Lana!
- Hey!
Hey! What's up?
Do you want to have lunch with us today?
Oh, I'd love to, but Mr. Phillips asked me
to do some research for him, so-
Oh, really?
Oh, that's too bad.
- Maybe next week?
- Definitely.
- Okay.
- Bye.
Research my ass.
You mean her ass.
B- Pro.
The campaign-
Conrad, make sure the, uh, video system's
on. I want the whole company to hear this.
It's on, sir. Carry on, Gray.
The campaign exudes
nostalgia, comedy...
thrill, excitement and cutting-edge
fashion all under one banner.
It'll appeal to a wide demographic
and leads the consumer...
with an emotional end benefit
of feeling charged up.
To challenge themselves and seize the day
and be the best they can be.
Whoo!
Well, Julia?
And I must say you look fantastic.
What do you think?
Great, no?
No.
- N-N-No?
- No.
Well, it's, uh-it's
just an initial proposal.
I mean, it still needs
to be tweaked and tuned.
You only tweak or tune
if something has potential.
Uh, we'll, uh-we'll go back
to the drawing board then, that's all.
Why don't you call me when
you have something original to present?
Julia, I'm sure we have a bunch of-
Shut that thing off.
I'm sure we have a bunch of things.
This is just one of them.
What's wrong with you? That was crap.
J- Julia, just a second.
I don't know, Sydney. I don't know
if this kind of therapy is working for me.
How come every road I take
turns out to be a dead end?
Why couldn't it be a fork?
I like forks.
At least with a fork there's a choice-
right or left or east or west...
- or this way or that way.
- Mm-hmm.
Why do you think you always reach
these dead ends?
Ooh! You see, gutter ball.
That's my life- a bunch of gutter balls.
Well, this is a perfect example...
of why having therapy in different
locations is so important.
Look at the deep symbolism
in that gutter ball.
No, this is good.
This is very, very good.
Can you think of one word
that best describes...
- the way your work situation makes you feel?
- Can I have two?
- No, one.
- Um-
Ohh!
Frustrated.
- You're up.
- Right.
Okay, another word...
for how you really feel
when your brother wins all your races.
- Frustrated.
- Okay.
Another word for how you feel
when you think about going on a date.
- Closed for repairs.
- That's not one word.
I know.
But I can't help it.
It's a weird thing,
but I see myself as this charming hotel...
that's beautifully romantic
and... wonderful on the outside...
but on the inside, it just
needs a ton of renovations.
Hence, closed for repairs.
Nice analogy.
What kinds of renovations?
Getting a promotion at work,
perfecting the tango...
disowning my mother,
getting liposuction under my chin.
There's nothing worse than chin fat.
Uh, I think you need to...
let the idea of sharing your life
with someone other than your brother...
enter your consciousness.
But how can I be conscious of something
that I'm unconscious of?
It's not like I don't date. I've had plenty
of boyfriends. Maybe I'm just in a dry spell.
Let's try something.
How about keeping
the hotel closed...
but keeping the veranda
open for cocktails?
Well, I really like verandas.
I love trellises, and I love arboretums.
Aren't arboretums beautiful?
And houses with the porch out front-
Hold that thought.
'Cause we are out of time today...
but we will resume this conversation
next week at the rock climbing wall.
Nice game.
And what happened to
going to a movie?
How are you going to meet anyone
in a dark movie theater?
How are you going to meet
anyone at a dog park?
Hello? The dog park
is a vortex for singles.
Hello? When did we
become dog owners?
No.
I wash my hand of this whole fiasco.
You're on your own. Ow! Grabbing.
- Check out center field.
- What about cen-Ahh!
Ohh! Yes!
Holy... smokes.
I'll do the preinterview. If she's
great, uh, I'll scream, "Get the ball!"
- And you casually swing over to close.
- "Get the ball. "
- What?
- There's no way she's single.
- Do what I say.
- You know what? Don't get bossy.
- Ow! Ohh.
- Try not to get hurt. Spazzy men are not attractive.
Some spazzy men are attractive.
- Gosh. You're so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- How old is she?
- She just turned three in September.
- Or should I say 21?
- She's legal.
Yeah. I suppose
I should buy her her first cocktail, huh?
Maybe a liver martini
with a beefjerky twist?
- I'm Charlie.
- Hi.
Originally Charlotte, but it always seemed
too long and never quite suited me, so-
I'm Gray. You can't really shorten that
or it'd be "Gra. "
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Do you like old movies?
- Yeah.
- Dancing? Are you athletic?
- Uh-
- Do you watch the Discovery Channel?
- Well-
Do you have a boyfriend?
What is your favorite dessert?
Okay. Um, uh-
Let's see.
I'm a 1940s movie buff.
I love to swing dance.
I've never been
very good at sports...
um, love the Discovery Channel,
"nix-ay" on the boyfriend...
and, well, it's kind of a toss-up.
L- I like cheesecake,
but I kind of love...
those big, gooey
hot fudge sundaes, so-
Get the ball.
Who's that? Look at him!
Oh, you're so cute. What's his name?
- Fluffy.
- Suki.
Fluffy is his first name.
Suki is his pedestrian middle name.
Oh, well, you are so adorable.
- How old is he?
- He's five. - One.
He's one- He's one-five. He's 15.
- This is my brother, Sam.
- Sam.
Sam.
- My sea otter's name is Sam.
- Is your sea otter's name Sam?
- Yes.
- Don't tell me you're one of those people...
that illegally keeps endangered animals
in their apartment, like that guy...
that got caught with
a leopard in his kitchen?
No. I'm a zoologist. I'm doing an
internship at New York Aquarium.
- Ha! That's a relief.
- Free Willy is my favorite movie.
Well, Free Willy 1, 2 and 3.
It's hard to pick a favorite.
And Jaws.
Finding Nemo.
Orca. Orca not so much.
- Do you live around here?
- Uh, sort of, yeah.
I'm staying on
a friend's sofa for right now.
I just moved here from San Francisco
about three weeks ago.
- I love San Francisco.
- Really? Have you spent much time there?
- Have I?
- You've never been to San Francisco.
I know I've never been to San Francisco,
but I know I would love it.
Tony Bennett loves it. He left his heart
there. I love Tony Bennett. There you go.
I have to go home for dinner.
Can I have Flicker back?
Yeah. You can have Flicker Fluffy
Suki back. That's the neighbor's dog.
We just walk him while he takes piano lessons,
'cause we love that dog.
- He's a budding pianist.
- That's so funny. Gypsy's not mine either.
I dog walk on the side
for extra cash.
I should probably
get her back, so-
Oh.
It was really nice to meet you both.
- Nice meeting you both-You.
- Nice meeting you.
- What are you waiting for?
- What?
- She's leaving.
- I see she's leaving.
All right.
Uh, excuse me!
Since you're new in town, if you're not
doing anything tonight, maybe you'djoin us?
We're going out for tapas and bad
Spanish wine, if you'd like tojoin us.
I just said that.
Would you like to join us? Three times.
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Okay.
Perfecto!
R- R-R-ico.
R- R-R-R-R.
R- R-R-R-R-R-Rico.
Oh, easy, Pancho Villa. These girls
are conmigo. More vino, por favor.
! Ayayay, oh!
Gracias. Gracias.
Carlos! Cover me!
I'm goin' in.
Okay, best food movie.
- Like Water For Chocolate.
- Babette's Feast. How about Babette's Feast?
- Okay.
- Okay, Fatso starring Dom DeLuise.
- Yes.
- Oh, good one. Okay, is it me?
Let's see.
Uh, women you need to get away from.
Bette Davis in
What Ever Happened To BabyJane?
Ah, good one. I got Glenn Close in
Fatal Attraction for the rabbit.
- Kathy Bates in Misery.
- Okay. Okay. How 'bout, um, best screen kiss?
- Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind.
- That's overrated, I think.
I'll go with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman
in Notorious.
Okay. I'll see your Notorious...
and I'll raise you Omar Sharif and
Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago.
- Very good.
- Oh, wait. I'll see your Doctor Zhivago...
and I will raise you Lady and the Tramp
in Lady and the Tramp.
Winner. Winner. The spaghetti
pooch smooch. Nothing better.
Thank God we're home. My toes
are even starting to swell. I'm exhausted.
Dogs are barking? No wonder.
It's 4:30 in the morning.
Oh, my God.
I have to be up in three hours.
I'm wide awake. I could go for hours.
I guess I'm nocturnal.
- Oh, yeah? Me too. You should get to bed. How about a nightcap?
- Great.
What the hell.
I haven't pulled an all-nighter in ages.
Let's go to Soho House or Sway
or like a diner or something.
Ow.
- Don't you have that big meeting in the morning?
- What big meeting?
Big meeting in the morning
you have to get to?
Oh, that big meeting. Actually, I'm
pretty tired. I should go to bed.
- It was great meeting you, Charlie.
- Okay. Good night.
I hope we can do this again.
Me too.
I'm getting my keys, all right?
- Straight to bed.
- Good night.
Night.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You got in late last night. I didn't even hear you come in.
- I'm just getting in now.
- Sounds like you had a good time.
- It was more than good.
- She's pretty great.
- She's more than great.
Don't blow it. You're off to a strong
start, but a girl can sense a "glommer. "
- She doesn't think I'm a glommer.
- She could and you don't even know it.
- She doesn't think I'm a glommer.
- Staring in her eyes. Glommer.
- I know. L- Read my non-glomming lips.
- A girl doesn't like a guy-
- I know she doesn't- - She could think
you're a glommer and you don't know.
You know how I know?
Because I asked her to marry me.
What?
And she said yes.
Can you believe it?
We got our blood work done this morning,
and we're going to Vegas this weekend...
- and we want you to be our witness.
- What?
I know. It's amazing. It's like-
It's-It's-It's- It's incredible.
You know what she is? She's
- She's the sun, she's the stars, she's the moon.
She's the jackpot. She's it.
You don't even know her.
She could be an ax murderer for all you know.
Oh, no! I forgot to ask her
if she was an ax murderer.
You know what she isn't? An ax murderer.
You know what she is? Perfect.
She's perfect. Gray, remember what Mom
always used to say?
When it was right, we would know.
Well, trust me. It's right.
Mom is divorced for the third time,
and she lives in a commune.
- Stop being so "J" and start being happy for me.
- I am so not "J."
I'm notjealous of you when you're totally
psychologically unstable.
I'm psychologically unstable? I'm psyc-
You're the one that said "Get the ball. "
I said "Get the ball,"
not "Get the ring. "
Gray, we're goin' to Vegas this weekend,
and we are gonna get married.
You can come with us.
I booked you a room. I booked you a flight.
If you come, great.
And if you don't, that's your deal.
- But you know what? I'm gettin' married.
- How does that happen?
One minute you know someone,
the next minute they're so desperate...
- they propose to someone they met 24 hours ago.
- Oh, hey, Gray Ghost.
I told Charlie that you'd meet her at
Bloomingdale's tomorrow to try on wedding dresses.
She doesn't have a lot of friends in the
city, and I thought it'd be fun for you two.
Forget it.
There's no way that's happening.
It's too frilly.
Something with a little less piff and poof.
Yeah, I think you're right.
Maybe something a little sexier.
If you want sexy, I got sexy.
I mean, I know you kids aren't Little
Bo Peep underneath those dresses.
But...
if you ask me...
a sexy bride just doesn't sit right.
A beautiful bride, yes.
A glowing bride, of course.
But sexy is- I-
I just don't know.
Personally, it makes me
a little uncomfortable.
Really? Do you have anything in red
with a slit up to the hip?
- Red!
- She's kidding.
Just something with a little
less piff and poof and no lace.
Oh, no lace?
No problem.
I will be right back.
I just got in a Dior in duchess satin...
that is to die for.
Great.
Are you sure you want to
go through with this?
Did you know that Sam
cheats at Monopoly and he snores?
- And he's got a hairy back.
- I work with animals.
Hairy is a turn-on.
Honestly? I was a goner the moment I saw him
at the dog park.
There's just something about his impish
smile and that twinkle in his eye.
The smile isn't real.
His teeth are capped.
And the twinkle in his eyes?
It's a reflection off his contacts.
- He's as blind as a bat.
- Help me out of this thing. My breasts feel like prisoners.
Set them free.
Please tell me you don't
wear stuff like that every day.
What? Lingerie?
I love it.
I've spent more on lingerie
than I have on rent.
I haven't bought a new pair
of underwear in over four years.
- Eww. That's kind of gross, huh?
- Why don't you try a dress on?
- No.
- Come on. This one's only 10,000.
No way, no way. Not doin' it.
Never gonna happen.
Come on. It will be fun.
Try it on.
Forget about it. No way. Never happening.
Not gonna... ever happen.
No!
What if I damage it?
Shh. Stay still while
I get this zipper up.
Ohh!
Did you cover me? I was at
the Bloomingdale's bridal salon.
- Mr. Phillips came by at 9:30.
- He did?
Yep. But I told him you were at the
gynecologist getting a pap smear. It shut him up.
- Good one.
- So what were you doing at the Bloomingdale's bridal salon?
- You know that girl Sam met at the park?
- Don't tell me she's a man.
- No!
- Sorry. I've been reading too many trashy magazines. What?
He asked her to marry him,
and she said yes.
- No.
- Yes! The wedding is this weekend.
- No! - Yes!
- Come on.
The worst thing is, I can't think of
a reason why he shouldn't marry her.
She's smart. She's beautiful.
She's funny. She's amazing.
Oh, please! She's a gold-digging wench trying to
hook her little claws into a resident surgeon...
before he makes the big bucks
that she can later get her hands on...
in an ugly, ugly, ugly
divorce settlement...
that her lawyer, who she's probably
schtupping on the side, will handle.
You're not still taping
All My Children every day?
I TiVo it. But seriously, you must be
flipping out that Sam is getting married...
leaving you all alone,
completely single...
with no real prospects
in the future?
That's horrible.
I feel so bad for you.
Promise me if I ever call you when
I'm suicidal, you'll refer the call.
Sure.
Here you go. Can I get some change?
Kidding.
Don't spend it all
on the slots. Red 21.
This place is-This is awesome.
Check this out. This is nuts.
What are these, satin sheets?
It's a satin-cotton blend. Possibly Egyptian
cotton if this is the high-roller room.
- Hello?
- Don't get excited.
'Cause you're not doin' any high rollin'
in this bed till tomorrow.
- Says who?
- Oh, says tradition.
You're not supposed to see the bride
until tomorrow morning.
- Where am I gonna stay?
- In the dinky room down the hall that you booked for me.
- I'm not staying in a dinky room down the hall.
- Don't be mad, sweetie.
- What?
- I think some tradition is important.
Besides, we haven't been apart
in six whole days.
It'll be fun.
We can miss each other.
- Yeah, all right.
- Hi.
What are you guys-
What are you guys gonna do without me?
- None of your business. See you at the chapel.
- Ow! Violent.
You're gonna get socked.
Ow! Ow!
- You're gonna get a half nelson.
- Ohh.
- Ninja claw! Ohh!
- Hey!
Did you see the bathroom?
It's insane. We have to take a bath.
- Okay, I'll pour the bubbles, you order the bubbly.
- Okay.
- Let's get toasted!
- I can't get too drunk. I am getting married in the morning.
- Exactly.
- Right. I'll order two bottles.
Ta-da!
I hope you didn't greet
the room service guy like that.
Hmm. Is that why he said
he didn't need a tip?
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Please tell me you work out
three hours a day and eat like a gerbil.
- Never been to a gym, and I'm a macaroni and cheese addict.
- I hate you.
If I told you I had acne until I was 21,
would that make you feel better?
- A little.
- Mm-hmm. My nickname was "Connect the Dots. "
I have a toast. To my soon-to-be
sister-in-law and my newfound friend-
That's a bathing suit you're wearing?
You're not embarrassed, are you?
Zits or no zits, my ass hasn't looked that
good since I was 17. I'm not taking off a thing.
- I have a secret I want to share, but I don't know if I should.
- You should.
- You can't tell Sam.
- Scout's honor.
Though I did get kicked out of the Brownies
for stealing money out of my cookie account.
Sam and I haven't had relations yet.
"Relations"?
Relations means my Aunt Betty.
Relations as in intercourse.
I decided to wait,
and I don't know if that was a mistake.
I mean, what if he's too big
or if I'm too small or-
T.M.I. Hasn't anyone ever told you
to test drive a car before you buy it?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Well...
I love Vegas,
and I am certain that Vegas loves me...
because I lost a bundle
on the slots last night.
- Is this five or six?
- I don't know. I lost count. But I think I'm gonna be sick.
- No, you're not. We're just getting warmed up.
- Oh, geez.
For my next number, I'd like to give
a warm welcome to my surprise guest-
the delightful and charming
Miss Charlie Kelsey.
Yeah!
- You didn't.
- Did.
- You didn't!
- Did.
- Why?
- Ooh!
Come on, honey.
How are you feeling this evening, Charlie?
Like I could throw up at any minute.
Well, that doesn't
sound too pleasant.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean because of you.
L- Can I just sit down, please?
Not too fast. Not too fast. Somebody
has gone through a lot of trouble...
to hear you sing a number
with me tonight.
#Twelve #
There, I sang a number. I'm going home.
Come on, girlfriend. I think we can do this.
We can do this. We can do this.
Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoo!
I can't believe I lost
that much money. Don't tell Sam.
- He liked you too.
- Why did that-
- He kept buying me drinks.
- Hey!
Somebody's got my purse.
Somebody's stealing it.
Ah. My wedding shoes.
- I had a good time tonight.
- Me too.
You can't go to sleep like that.
You got to get undressed.
- Can't.
- Oh, God.
- All right. I'll help you.
- Mmm!
Sleeping.
Oh. Here.
Here's a shirt.
Do you think the woman was mad...
when I asked to see her
husband's tattoo on his tush?
Hmm?
It wasn't pretty.
I still don't know
if it was a ship or a- a bunny.
Did I tell you how happy I am
you're gonna be my sister-in-law?
- About 17 times.
- Well, I mean it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that just happened.
How can this be happening? You're marrying
my brother tomorrow, for God's sake.
Oh, this can't be happening.
This is just a mistake. A meaningless,
too-much-tequila mistake.
Oh, my God!
- God, you're up early.
- Up would mean that I've been down.
You're already dressed?
I have a wicked headache.
Can we order some coffee?
Don't you think we should talk?
Okay. Can we talk while I get ready?
- Yeah. Sure. I guess.
- Great.
I can't believe I'm getting married today.
I'm not even nervous.
Good. 'Cause I'm freakin' out.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I can be so insensitive sometimes.
- Are you really upset?
- Yeah.
I would be too if it were my brother.
I'd be freakin' out.
Well, I'm past freaking out.
I'm molting.
I know it was one of those crazy,
spontaneous moments...
but don't you feel weird at all?
Not really. I mean,
I know it may seem strange...
- but the whole thing feels really natural.
- Natural?
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't feel natural. I feel subnatural.
In fact, I feel like E.T. I wanna phone home.
But if I phone home, Sam would answer,
and that wouldn't be good.
- Yeah, you were just taken by surprise.
- Surprise?
Gray, come on. Sit down.
- Listen to me.
- I'm listening.
Anyone would tell you
the exact same thing.
It is 100% normal to be feeling upset,
sad, freaked out.
In fact, considering everything...
I think you're handling
the whole thing really well.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Your brother is getting married...
and deep down inside you feel
like you're losing him.
That's why you think
I'm freaking out?
You think I'm having
separation anxiety?
There's only one thing that
can keep a marriage together...
and that is love.
Oh.
As the lucky messenger
of our Lord and Savior above...
I look to the two of you
with your bright smiles of devotion...
and promise of commitment
here in the very house of the Lord above!
- This place is nuts.
- But before I continue, I must ask...
if there's anybody here
who has any objection whatsoever...
to the union of these two lovebirds.
I'm sorry. Carry on.
Go ahead.
As I was saying...
if there's anybody here
who has an objection to the union...
of these two love angels,
speak their piece now.
Oh, my God! Look out!
Your hiccups gone?
- Actually, yes.
- Good. Great.
Carry on, Minister.
No one objects.
- Right?
- Right.
Then by the power vested in me
by the glorious state of Nevada...
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride, yeah.
Hi. I'd like a hot dog with kraut on
one side and relish on the other...
with ketchup on the kraut and mustard on
the relish, but don't let the two touch.
Sydney, I need to talk to you right away.
This is an emergency. Call me.
Now reach to your right.
Station your left leg
on the rock in the middle.
All right, Gray,
what's really going on?
I canceled a session with someone today
because you said it was an emergency.
- It is.
- Well, then?
Take a deep breath-
And tell me what's going on.
Three short breaths, one long. That's
what Sam and I did when we were kids...
- and there was something that was difficult to talk about.
- Fine. Then do that.
- I think I'm gay.
- What was that?
- I can't say it again.
- Did you just say "I think I'm gay"?
It's like this. For years,
I thought I was content being single...
and I wasn't really
interested in a relationship.
I thought that when Mr. Right
came into my life, he just would.
He
- He wouldn't need some fancy invitation. He wouldjust arrive.
And then I realized that it's not Mr.
Right I'm waiting for. It's Mrs. Right.
- Oh.
- And I think I found her.
And I kissed her-
And I think she kissed me back,
but I'm not sure...
'cause I never kissed a girl before,
and I'm not sure what the rules are.
But I know that I liked it.
And I think I like her.
Now I feel nauseous again.
Why do you think you feel nauseous?
Do you think you committed some terrible
sin just because you kissed a girl?
Why? If you're two consenting adults,
what's so terrible about that?
Well, I don't know if she consented.
She was very drunk.
Oh, so you believe
you forced her to kiss you?
No. No, not at all.
She kissed me.
- Okay, I'm confused now.
- So am I.
Y- You don't know what it's like.
One day you think you're one thing...
and the next day you realize
you're something else.
I feel like I'm Dorothy in
The Wizard of Oz.
I'm in this new land
and I want to get home...
but something is telling me
maybe this is my home.
Maybe I shouldn't click
my heels three times.
Maybe I should just stay here
and be nauseous with the Munchkins.
What scares you most
about this whole thing?
That I'll lose Sam and he'll
never talk to me again.
Well, why would Sam even care?
Call me crazy, but he might be
a little upset I kissed his wife.
Whoa!
- Are you all right?
- Oh, God.
Y- You're looking pale.
Maybe you should take some deep breaths.
- I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not. I'm a wreck.
I haven't slept in three days.
I've taken 42 showers.
I've been to a church, a temple and a mosque,
begging for forgiveness.
The Mormon place wouldn't let me in.
I think we need to talk about this
on level ground.
You're not thinking straight.
- No kidding.
- We need to get down.
- Listen to me.
- I'm listening.
- You're not gay.
- I'm not?
- No, you're not.
- How do you know?
- Because it's textbook.
- Insanity?
No. What you did was normal.
It was almost predictable.
You were so jealous of Charlie...
that you subconsciously tried
to sabotage Sam's marriage.
Read my lips.
- You are not gay.
- I'm not?
- No, you're not.
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
- Because my mind is reeling with feelings and emotions...
- and my heart's telling me-
- Actually, our time is up for today.
Now, forget about Sam
and get out there and date.
Your hotel is open for business.
Got it?
Now, I will see you next week
at the batting cages at Chelsea Piers.
Nice climb.
My hotel is open. I have suites, junior suites,
deluxe accommodations available.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- That's a great outfit.
- Thanks.
You know, actually, my grandfather
once told me it's much nicer to say...
"That outfit looks
very becoming on you. "
Well, thanks to you and your pops.
Whoa. That coffee smells great.
I'm on this no-caffeine kick
right now...
but I still find myself hanging around
Starbucks trying to get an aroma buzz.
Actually, it's not all coffee.
It's one-third coffee,
one-third cocoa, one-third chai...
with a little bit of steamed soy and
cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg.
Wow. That's a new one.
- What was that?
- Mmm- Nothing.
Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?
Wow. That-That took guts.
Would you?
Sure. What time?
- Um, Raoul's at 10:00.
- All right. Well, I'll see you then.
Great. Are you going up?
- Down.
- Okay. See you tonight.
- Oh!
- Are-Are you okay?
- Is anything sprained? Broken? Maybe we should call a doctor.
- I'm fine, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Would you like to have dinner
with me tonight?
Say 8:00 at Raoul's?
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, you know,
I'm a pretty busy guy.
I'm usually booked up every night.
I'd have to-
I'd have to check my schedule.
- Yeah! Yeah, I think I can do that.
- Great.
Cool.
Hey, Gray. Gray Ghost.
You need a little help?
Oh, you did some serious- Oh!
Damage.
Holy smokes.
Look at you.
What's the occasion?
- I got a couple of dates tonight.
- A couple?
Yeah. I got a 8:00 dinner with one,
and I got a 10:00 dinner with the other.
That's great. Did you get that rash
you always get before you go out?
- No. Why did you remind me?
- Just trying to help.
- Look, is now a good time to talk?
- About what?
I wanted to check in, see when you thought
you might get your own place.
I know we get along great,
and Charlie loves you...
but we are newlyweds so I thought you might-
Do you know how hard it is to find
a rent-controlled place in the city?
Why do I have to be the one to move?
One, the lease is in my name,
and, two, I found the apartment.
'Cause a 90-year-old woman
died on your shift at the hospital.
Her body wasn't even cold before you were
calling the super, claiming to be her nephew.
I didn't hear you complaining. As a
matter of fact, you went to her funeral.
That's 'cause I'm sensitive and not
mean like you. You can't kick me out.
I decorated the whole apartment.
I even grouted the bathroom tiles myself.
I'm just saying maybe
you should start looking, that's all.
- I hate you! I really do.
- Hey, hey! Hey!
I can hear you guys yelling from around the block.
What's going on?
- I wasn't yelling. She was yelling.
- I was. I hate him!
- Why? What did he do now?
- Me?
- That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?
- He's kicking me out.
Sam, I thought we spoke about this.
We'll get our own place once I get
a full-time position at the aquarium.
- Until then, it's fine. I actually kind oflike it.
- You do?
Yeah. It's fun.
I love living with the both of you.
- What's wrong?
- Shit.
She has a couple of dates tonight...
- and her chest just broke out into hives.
- Oh.
Hey. I think-
I don't know if you remember me...
- but I think you drove me before.
- Oh, you're not very fond of Florida...
and when you refer
to Ginger's companion...
you're not talking
about sushi or wasabi.
Not bad.
- Where's that funny accent of yours from?
- Oh...
a funny place called Scotland.
- What brings you to New York?
- Fame and fortune, of course.
- Hmm. How's that goin'?
- Well, let's see.
I've had two auditions so far.
The first one was for the lead
in a tampon spot-
the role of the tampon,
of course-
and then, uh, the second one
was a voice-over...
for a pest-control infomercial.
And I didn't get that part.
They, uh-They said that they
thought roaches didn't have accents.
I begged to differ,
but I didn't want to seem argumentative.
Hmm.
Don't worry. I'm not contagious.
- I'm not worried.
- What can I say? I am a mess.
You don't look like a mess.
You look as cute as a button.
And buttons aren't messy.
Well, looks can be deceiving.
You know, back home in Scotland,
I was captain of the local football team.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
And all my mates used to come to me
with their problems.
They said I was pretty good.
So-
I'm all ears if you want to talk to someone
from the outside, you know?
Hmm. That's sweet, but it would take
all night to tackle my laundry list.
Thanks.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you.
I'm crazy about you.
And I'm counting the minutes
until I see you again.
- Hey, that's my line.
- I'm an actor.
We get paid to steal
other people's lines.
See ya.
Uh, seriously, though-
Could I give you
a lift home tonight?
I could come and fetch you about, say,
just before midnight.
No charge.
- Okay.
- Great.
- Excuse me. Can I get another double vodka martini?
- Sure.
With three olives
and a tiny splash of vermouth.
- Okay. - And just a hint-
a hint- of salt on the rim.
- Yeah.
- A little water, please, also?
Of course.
Would you like to hear the specials?
- Please. -
Yeah. - Fantastic.
Tonight we have
a braised lamb shank...
marinated in a rosemary-lime sauce.
That's served
with a creamed pumpkin squash.
We also have
a grilled halibut steak...
in a soy-tamari lemon-zest glaze.
And that comes with grilled seaweed
and an orange and almond salad.
Do we know what we'd like?
Yes. I'll have the halibut with the pumpkin
squash and the rosemary-lime sauce...
and not the soy-tamari-lemon stuff.
Oh, that does sound good, doesn't it?
Yeah, they don't come together.
- Well, can you make 'em come together?
- I'll try.
Try hard.
And I'll have the duck confit.
Excellent.
Coming right up.
Conrad, I'm impressed. You duked the guy.
I didn't know you had it in you.
There's a lot in me
that you don't know about.
I'm a burnin'sex machine
just waitin'to be used and abused by you.
The harder, the better.
Check, please.
...as much as I can,
but it's not good.
- How?
- I don't know.
So wait.
Let me just get this straight.
So you love Capra...
you run in the park, you tango...
you live for Italy,
and you hate asparagus.
Are you sure we weren't
separated at birth?
- You don't play poker, do you?
- I've been playing with the same buddies...
every Thursday since I was 15.
I'm a five-card stud girl, myself.
Closed hand, deuces wild.
I love it when you talk dirty.
This is actually fun.
I have to admit. I usually
dread the whole first-date thing.
You know, the awkward lulls
in the conversation.
Then the anxious pain in the pit
of my stomach when I can't wait...
for the night to end,
but I'm feeling no pain, no lulls.
Yeah, I'm feeling rather
painless and "lull-less" myself.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
But, uh, I do want to be honest
with you about something.
Oh, no. Honesty on the first date.
That has a bad ring to it.
See, I was so flattered with the way
you asked me out in the elevator.
- I know. Don't tell me. You're married.
- Actually, I'm not married...
but Stewart and I have been
living together for years.
- Yeah.
- Stewart-
- Am I a moron or what?
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
- I can't help it. I'm hopeless.
- You're not.
- I'm a walking Dear Abby column.
- Hold on a minute, darling.
All you need is some space...
some fresh air and some perspective.
Fresh air, space and perspective
in New York City.
Stick with me.
This is unbelievable.
Isn't this fantastic?
Yeah, it's one of the perks
of the job.
I giveJimmy the doorman
free rides...
and he lets me come up here
whenever I fancy.
I love this city.
Oh, me too.
You know, it's funny,
'cause sometimes, up here...
everything is so tall and grand.
Even my biggest problems,
you know...
suddenly seem very wee.
Within seconds
they just melt away like tiny dewdrops.
You're so sweet.
Thanks for cheering me up.
Ah, it's my pleasure.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
I've been wanting to do that...
from the moment I saw your face
in my rearview mirror.
What's wrong?
Oh, Christ. Was it awful?
L- I'm a wee bit out of practice.
No, it wasn't awful.
You're a really nice kisser.
Well, thank you.
Your lips seem...
nice and supple too.
But I'm sensing that, uh-
Your heart's not doing
the Riverdance thing that mine is.
Gordy, I'm sorry.
- Oh.
- For what?
For being me.
Ah, there's nothing wrong with that.
I happen to think
you're pretty dandy.
So you're gay.
Big deal.
- How did you know?
- Just a feeling, I suppose.
That and the fact that you haven't shut up
about Charlie all night.
And every time you mentioned
her name you got that little...
sparkle thing in your eyes.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Ah.
That's easy.
You're gonna move on
with your life...
start being the person
that you're supposed to be...
instead of wasting your time
pretending to be someone that you're not.
I mean, crikey.
Are you not exhausted?
I am, but it's so much easier
to keep pretending.
Oh, but easy is so bloody boring!
Isn't it?
As your newfound friend...
I am prescribing a remedy for you.
That's part of the remedy.
This is the remedy.
"I am woman. Hear me roar. "
Helen Reddy.
She'll sort you out.
There are a few things
I'd like to know about you too.
All right. What would you like to know?
Oh, just about anything.
Things you like.
Things you don't like.
Where you went to school. Who was your
first beau. What you want out oflife.
- Mmm. That's a tall order. Where shall I start?
- Oh, my God.
- Till the Clouds Roll By.
- I guess I like what everyone likes.
That's one of my favorite
all-time movies.
I know every line and every step.
Me too.
- Will you dance with me?
- Oh, no, thank you. No.
- Go ahead and dance with her.
- No, no, I can't.
Will you dance with me?
I sure will, baby.
Watch this.
- Do you know this dance?
- Yeah.
What's goin' on?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I hate when you ask so many questions.
It's so annoying.
Sorry. You okay?
- I'm fine.
- All I asked was, what's going on?
Nothing. I'm going to bed, okay? Got
any questions you want to ask about that?
She must be ovulating.
I heard that. Huh?
- How you doin'?
- How you doin'?
Mmm. She's the best.
Strong, independent, feisty.
- Who are you talking about?
- Who else? Queen Oprah.
Oprah. Oprah the Great.
Oprah- I love her.
Do you understand
that I'm obsessed with her?
Like, I think she is so great
that she should start her own religion.
I love her so much
that if she and Steadman...
couldn't have children
and needed a little bit of help...
I would surrogate a child for them.
That's right, I would have Oprah's baby.
That's how much I love her.
Wow. That's a lot of love.
Last night I was so inspired after watching
her show about loving your body that-
- Do you know what I did today?
- What?
- I quit Weight Watchers.
- Get out!
Yeah! Can you believe it?
I quit. Fergie, "smergie. "
I hate fiber.
I like Mallomars.
And if Dereck isn't going to love me
for the tiny amount...
of cellulite I have
on the back of my thighs...
- then fuck him- Screw that guy.
- Yeah.
This is the package, okay?
It's exactly the same under the wrapping.
This is the package.
No exchanges, no returns.
- Yes.
- Right?
- Hot!
- Thank you.
I mean, why does
our society push us...
to be perpetually uncomfortable
with who we are?
It's so messed up.
You wanna know why?
Here. This is why.
"Boost your buttocks in five days. "
"Luscious liposuction. "
"The flawless face-lift. "
That's why.
Enough is enough.
We need to stop letting
society and-and media...
and our religious leaders
delegate who we are.
You're amazing,
and I'm even more amazing...
and anybody who doesn't get it
can go screw themselves!
That felt fantastic.
Spewing is a wonderful thing.
Forget spinning classes.
They should have spewing classes.
That's what they should have.
Where are you going? You have a
creative meeting in five minutes.
What are you doing here?
- That page wasn't from you, was it?
- It was.
This better be good. I'm about to
get prepped for surgery. What is it?
- I need to tell you something.
- I'm listening.
Maybe you should just
get prepped for surgery-
Maybe you should perform the surgery.
I'll come back later.
Gray.
I have to tell you something.
It's not easy.
It's really major,
and I don't know how to say it.
- Why don't you take three short
breaths and one- - One long.
- I'm gay.
- What?
- As in Marvin.
- What?
As in, take the "R" out of"Gray,"
and- Bingo!
Oh.
- That's great.
- What about it is great?
- It's great that you're coming out.
- Don't tell me you knew.
Gray, of course I knew.
How can you know
when I didn't even know?
I'm smarter than you. I've known since second
grade, when you had a crush on Mrs. Wertheimer...
- and tried to look up her skirt.
- She was cute, wasn't she?
Tell you, I'm proud of you, Gray.
- This is a big moment. This is huge.
- It's big, all right...
but there's one other thing
I haven't told you, and it's even bigger.
Bigger. Yeah.
It can't possibly be bigger than this.
- Well, I guess it depends on how you see it.
- What is it?
- I'm in love with her.
- Who?
- Her.
- Who her?
- Your wife.
- Whose wife?
Yours. I'm in love with Charlie.
- Is this your idea of a bad joke?
- I would never joke about it.
I love the way she talked
and walked and looked and felt...
but it really kicked in
after we kissed.
Kissed?
What do you mean, kissed?
Are you saying you kissed my wife?
Only once,
and technically she wasn't your wife.
It was the night
before your wedding.
I'm sorry.
Look, I never expected this to happen.
Just tell me off.
Just yell at me.
I know I'm a terrible person.
I'm a terrible, terrible person.
Gray, I want you to pack up your shit
and get it out of the apartment...
by the time I get home tonight,
because we're done.
All right? We're done.
There has to be a reason.
Why would she move out
without talking to us about it...
or even telling us
where she was going?
- Why are you so concerned?
- What is that supposed to mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything.
- You seem obsessed about my sister, that's all.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?
- I'm just worried about her.
Aren't you happy we'll
have the place to ourselves?
- Of course I'm happy.
- All right then.
- That's not the issue.
- What's the issue?
Did you guys get
in a fight or something?
- What aren't you telling me?
- I'm not telling you anything.
- Is there something you want to tell me?
- Like what?
I don't know.
You tell me.
Sam, what's going on?
You're acting weird. You love your sister.
Yes, I love my sister. How about you?
Do you love my sister?
Of course I love your sister.
I think she's great.
"Great. " How great?
- What are you getting at?
- Nothing. Nothing.
You know what? I'm late.
I gotta go, okay? I'll see you later.
Sam?
So as you can see, the consumers love
to think of nothing but C-Pro.
- B-Pro.
- What?
- B-Pro. You said "C-Pro. "
- I did?
Yeah, you said C-Pro.
I'm very sorry.
Would you excuse me for a minute?
I have to get a glass of water.
Take your time.
I'll be back in just one minute.
I'll... be back.
Gray, hang in there. You're doing just fine.
- No, I'm not doing fine. I'm the Titanic.
- No!
- Yes.
- You just gotta-You gotta get focused.
You gotta center yourself,
and you gotta march back in there...
and you show them who's the boss.
Who's the Boss? I hated that show.
I love Alyssa Milano.
I don't like Tony Danza, and Judith Light
had really weird hair, but-
Gray! You gotta focus.
Focus, okay?
You gotta get out of your head
and get into your body.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Get out of your head.
Get out of your head.
Get out of your head
and into your body.
Take a deep breath.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Center yourself.
- And go.
- Go.
Go.
Gimme a "P."Gimme an "R."
Gimme an "O."
What's that spell?
B- Pro!
Yeah! Whoo!
Lana, what the hell are you doing?
I promoted Miss Valentine to creative
executive on the Bartlett account...
because I thought it would be best
to show Julia two perspectives.
- You mean the one of her tits and the one of her ass?
- Gray!
I'm sure that Lana
has 36 double-D ideas...
for the account, and I'll just give you
your privacy to fondle through them.
I think that was a brilliant comeback.
Clever and descriptive.
I'm sure it cost me my job.
Well, with copy like that,
they should be begging you to stay.
Here. Drink that
while it's still hot.
That, young lady,
is my granny's secret recipe.
Mmm! This is so good.
What's in this?
Oh, uh, tea, milk, honey
and a wee bit of nutmeg.
Gordy, you are amazing.
You barely know me
and you're such a great friend.
You're gonna make
some lucky girl very happy one day.
So are you.
God, everything is so complicated.
If it was 30 years ago,
I could just move away and join a convent.
Those outfits are so hideous.
You know, if you want
my advice-
and I don't suppose you do,
but I'm going to give it to you anyway.
- I think you have to go and talk to Charlie.
- About what?
You have to tell her the truth.
- I can't do that.
- Yes, you can.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
I mean, for all you know,
she might feel the same way about you.
Come on. Her name is Charlie.
You've got a shot.
But you won't know that
until you talk to her.
What if I made it up? What if she
doesn't even remember the kiss?
What if you go through
your entire life saying, "What if?"
What happens if she does
feel the same way?
What about Sam?
He'll never talk to me again.
- He doesn't talk to you now.
- That's just 'cause he hates me.
And do you foresee that
ever changing?
- He can't hate me forever.
- Mm-hmm. Just drink your tea.
This is so good.
Are you sure this is just tea,
nutmeg and honey?
Wee bit of whiskey.
- Would you like some shortbread?
- Mmm!
What kind of shortbread is this?
Mmm, short.
God, they're so beautiful
and magical and peaceful.
Will they have babies here?
I don't think so.
That's Lucy, and she's Ethel.
- They're an item?
- Mm-hmm.
They never spend a moment apart.
It's very common.
I'm actually doing a study on
homosexuality among mammals.
- You are?
- I'm concentrating on whales...
but did you know
that over 50% of elephants are gay?
- How do they test that?
- They pipe in the Village People...
over loudspeakers
and watch their feet.
I'm kidding.
So where've you been hiding?
I've left three messages and no answer,
and Sam won't say a word.
I'm sorry.
I've just been a little preoccupied.
Anything you want to talk about?
Do you remember that night we spent together
in Las Vegas before you got married to Sam?
Barely. I mean, I remember
having a great time...
but I think you got me too drunk
to remember anything else.
Why? Did I say something
really stupid?
- It's not what you said.
- God. What did I do?
I don't know if you did anything.
It might have just been me.
- Oh, my God. I remember.
- You do?
- Yes. I'm such an idiot.
- No, you're not.
How could you let
your brother marry me?
I didn't know if you were conscious
of what was going on.
Of course I was conscious.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
I'm so relieved we're talking about it.
- Was I completely off-key?
- What?
I sounded like a cat in heat,
didn't I?
Is that what you think
we're talking about?
Oh, God.
Did I do something else?
- No. That was it.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Tell the truth.
Did you try to convince Sam
not to marry me?
There was no convincing him.
Trust me. If I could have, I would have.
You know, every morning
I wake up before Sam does...
and I just watch him.
I just lie there and stare.
And I love the way his nose wrinkles
when he's dreaming...
and the little purring sound that he makes
when he's about to wake up.
And the way that he keeps his hand
on my thigh the whole night...
just to let me know that he's there.
And I know it may seem crazy...
but love is crazy, isn't it?
It sure is.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was cleaning out the closet.
I found Dad's old projector.
Is that you?
Yeah.
Cute little surgeon, wasn't I?
You're so lucky.
I never had a brother or sister.
Oh!
I don't know what's going on
between the two of you...
but you have to work it out, Sam.
Just talk to her.
- You wanted to see me?
- Oh, yeah. Gray.
Seems Julia wasn't thrilled with the way
our last presentation went.
Why don't you go ahead and fire me?
I don't need to be embarrassed or
humiliated or patronized anymore.
- Actually, I was gonna give
you a promotion, but- - What?
I asked Jordan to make you the executive
creative director on my account...
and to give you free rein
to do whatever you want.
Carrie told me that the cheerleader idea
was yours.
I think you have great ideas.
You just haven't been given the freedom
to explore them fully.
I like your energy,
your spunk, your candidness...
and I think
with the right support...
you're gonna give me
exactly what I'm looking for.
Wow!
- I don't know what to say.
- Sorry to interrupt, Gray...
but your 12::00 meeting with Brother
Electronics is in the small conference room.
Oh, I don't have a 12:00 meeting
with Brother Electronics.
They said they confirmed it
with your office.
Please, go ahead.
I don't want to hold you up.
Thank you so much.
You will not be sorry.
Thank you, Mr. Phillips.
I will not let you down.
Isn't she adorable?
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
I didn't have you in my book.
Hey.
See, you forgot your toothbrush...
and I figured a toothbrush that
is part hard, part soft bristles...
must be hard to come by.
Is that all?
You just came to give me my toothbrush?
And to say I'm sorry.
I overreacted-
Little bit. Not a lot. Little bit.
After all, you have to admit...
it's a pretty exceptional situation, right?
- Uh-huh.
- On the other hand...
I'm not quite sure
why I got so surprised...
'cause if you think about it...
it's almost inevitable that you and I
would end up liking the same girl, isn't it?
You're acting
- You're acting very rational. It's too rational.
You used to do this
when we were kids.
Then I'd turn around
and you'd tackle me.
I should be getting my knees
in the lock-down position.
You know, Gray-
Gray, you're not just my sister.
You're my best friend.
You know that, right?
Being without you
I feel like one half of me is missing.
Lately I've been feeling
very lopsided.
- Oh, Sam.
- Just 'cause you're totally gay...
and in love with my wife doesn't mean
we can't work things out.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Ooh. Now, this is good.
I knew it wasn't me.
I knew it wasn't me!
- Oh, my-
- Gray!
Gray! Gray!
How ya doin'? How ya doin'?
Nothin' to see here, folks.
Put your eyes back in your heads.
Hey, what-
- What are you doing?
- I wanna die right now, in this elevator.
- I never wanna see another human being ever again.
- No. Look.
Gray, listen to me.
This is not as bad-
Who cares what those people think?
I care. They're probably calling
Jerry Springer right now as we speak.
No. No, they're not.
I don't think he has a show anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what?
For having to be related to me.
- Gray, don't be ridiculous.
- Oh, I just feel-
Gray, look. You're just-
You're just coming out, okay?
- I am never coming out of this elevator.
- This is probably...
the biggest revelation
of your entire life.
It's normal to be going nuts.
- It's normal.
- I don't feel normal.
I'm sick and tired of everyone saying
it's normal, it's typical, it's ordinary.
I don't feel any of those things.
Well, how do you feel?
- Lonely.
- Why?
Because I'm never gonna be able
to walk down the street...
holding hands with my partner...
without the rest of the world
giving us a look.
I may never have the wedding
that I once dreamed of...
and I may never have children...
and one day, when I die...
people will never give
as much respect to my grieving lover...
as if she were my husband.
Gray...
it's not as if you made a choice.
That's what terrifies me.
It's so much easier
to be someone else.
Do you remember
when we were kids-
you would have been
about six-
and Dad came home to tell Mom
he was leaving her for Mrs. Rosemont.
Yeah.
Remember we stayed
in the closet all night...
just cuddled up like
two little mice and...
listened to their whole fight.
I was...
so angry.
I was... hurt.
I was just-
I was mad, and I wanted to go out there
and kick his ass...
- and you remember what you said to me?
- Hmm.
You were just six...
but you said it was gonna be okay...
that Dad was not gonna live a lie...
that he was gonna try
and be happy...
and that everyone
deserved to be happy.
I said that?
- Yeah.
- I was so profound.
Why are you being so nice to me?
- You should hate me.
- For what? For having good taste?
You never have to worry about it.
I mean, she's completely,
madly, passionately...
like cow-jump-over-the-moon
in love with you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's great... for me.
Not so great for you.
But you're not gonna
make me feel guilty for this are you?
Mm-mmm.
Gray, you know what?
You can't expect the first girl
that you fall in love with...
to love you back.
That's-That's not how it works.
That would be the equivalent
of settling down when you were age 12.
You haven't gone
through gay puberty yet.
- I think I'm ready to come out.
- To everyone?
- No. Of the elevator.
- Of the elevator.
I should have broken up
with Dereck ages ago.
I am having the best time.
- So what about you? Have you met anyone yet?
- Not yet.
Really? Girls should be lining up
around the block for you.
- What's your type?
- I don't have a type.
I mean, like the basics.
Like, brunette, blonde, short, tall?
It depends, I guess.
- Funny. You need funny.
- Funny would be good.
- And stylish. No Birkenstocks.
- That's for sure.
And for the love of God,
don't wind up...
with one of those ladies
who doesn't believe in waxing.
- You're killing me.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever been attracted to me?
- No.
- Really?
- No.
- Not even a little?
- No.
- Huh. Oh.
Not even last year, when I was in shape
after taking those Pilates classes?
Or last week when I wore that pink
MarcJacobs dress to work...
and you told me how cute I looked?
You looked so cute. You are cute,
but, you know, not cute that way, cute.
Hmm. Wow.
That's so depressing.
It's not like I'm into girls,
but if I was a girl who was into girls...
I'd definitely be into me,
'cause I think I'm a catch.
You are a catch,
but, uh, I don't know, you're not my type.
Hmm. But you said
you don't have a type.
- You gotta stop talking about this.
- All right.
Wait. Don't you usually have
therapy at lunchtime on Thursdays?
Oh, my God.
I'm so late. Shoot.
Okay. You know, I don't really want to go,
so watch this.
Sydney, it's Gray.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I don't
wanna go to the batting cages...
and I don't wanna go rock climbing
or bowling or anywhere with you...
'cause I'm feeling
really good about myself...
and I don't think you're a very good
therapist for me, so you're fired.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
- That was crazy.
- Can you believe I just did that?
That was amazing.
Do you want to get a mani-pedi
before we go back to work?
- Sure. I need a pedicure.
- Yeah.
What if I dyed my hair red?
Would you be attracted to me then?
- Yes.
- Really?
- You're hot.
- Ooh, mah-moo!
I can't go through with this.
- Yes, you can.
- Why do I have to?
Because you're gay,
and you have to start behavin' like it.
What am I supposed to do?
Wear a sign on my forehead?
No, but you haven't
had sex with a woman yet...
and, you know,
that's like being black...
and never having listened
to theJackson Five...
or being Jewish
and never having a knish...
or being Indian and never
having had a curry or being-
Or being Scottish
and not keeping your mouth shut?
- I suppose so. Come on.
- Hi.
Sorry. No men allowed.
Wh- Isn't that against the law?
- And I'm only goin' in for a wee minute.
- Yeah.
- No exceptions. No men.
- Forget it.
Well, just go in by yourself.
I can't go in by myself.
Are you kidding?
I have an idea.
I would like an Apricot Sour, please.
I'll have a Cosmo.
Not too much cranberry.
And a touch of lemon
and a squeeze of lime.
And a little bit of sugar
on the rim.
Comin' up.
Apricot Sour?
I thought that was what you women drank,
for Christ's sakes.
- One of your eyelashes is coming off.
- Give me a mirror, quick.
Hi. Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, no.
Um, I don't drink.
See, but thanks.
You don't?
Shut up.
This is quite tasty, actually.
Let's get out of here.
I'm not gonna meet anyone here.
Hey, give it a minute.
Oh, my God.
It's Julia Bartlett.
- Quick, quick. I gotta get out of here.
- Why?
- Can't have her see me in a gay bar.
- Hello. Is there anybody in?
No. Her? You think?
Gray, did your mom ever tell you...
what your I.Q. Scores were?
- Hi, Gray.
- Hello.
- It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you too.
I'm just taking a break
from working on your account.
Gray, I didn't come over here
to check up on you.
Um, hello.
Uh, my name's Georgette.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
And, uh, lovely.
And I'm just gonna
leave you two to, uh-
to, uh- to catch up on everything.
- Mmm. Lovely.
- Don't go.
Yeah, it was lovely to see you too.
Really nice. Really nice.
Dutch way-Three kisses.
So, uh-
Fine. It's fine.
I'm fine. You're fine. Everything's gonna
be fine, and I've got to go now. Bye.
You really surprised me
the other day.
I had no idea you were gay.
That makes two of us.
You're not just coming out, are you?
Put it this way.
My hotel's been closed
for a long time...
but tonight's the grand opening.
There have been a few
fake openings...
but tonight's the real deal.
L- No, I don't understand.
Yes, I'm just coming out.
I don't think anyone in here will mind.
You really are adorable.
I always thought so.
Really?
From day one, in that little
cream, pin-striped suit you were wearing.
I like that suit too.
I think I got it at,
uh, Banana Republic.
Or maybe it was, uh,
Emporio Armani.
Actually, it could have been Barneys,
but the shirt was from Bloomies.
Listen. I have this
beautiful bottle of cognac...
that I just brought back
from France, and I would-
- I'd love to share it with you.
- You have it here with you?
No. My place.
- Oh.
- Central Park West and 85th.
Uh, okay, well-
I like cognac.
I like cognac.
I like brandy too.
Usually I have a little cognac
with a splash of brandy on the side.
I have brandy too.
- Give it up. You're toast.
- You're gonna eat those words.
Come on, Gray! Come on!