Growing Up and Other Lies (2014) Movie Script
Are you guys ready for this?
Yes, yes.
Here it comes!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Oh my God! That's so weird.
- Oh!
Oh!
Wow. Why don't we
hang out more often?
I told you he can still do it.
I told you. All right.
Yes, you can vomit without
finger penetration.
You're a freak of nature.
Thank you. You must be
so proud of yourself.
You say that like
it's no big deal.
Oh, you must be so... That's
not easy to do by the way.
That actually burned more than
I thought it would.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.
Ah!
Here he is.
Rocks!
It's a time
warp BILLY: Yeah!
Hey, we can let go, we don't...
- How are you doing?
- Oh, God.
Look at this we're getting the
band back together. This is weird.
This is weird, but us.
Holy shit, all right!
Welcome to my final
day in New York City.
So, if you'll just
follow me, it begins.
- Here we go.
- All right.
Hey!
All right.
Yes. Yeah.
Did you burn your legs out?
Whoo! Let's go
guys! Yeah!
Hey, what'd you think about
to make yourself throw up?
Uh, the future.
Oh!
Are you gonna tell him?
Tell me what?
It sucks. Maybe
I'll just bail.
Bail? Bail on
what, Billy?
You don't think I should?
You don't think I should? Guys, what
the hell are you talking about?
You don't wanna go
to work, don't go to work.
Whoa! Work?
You're kid...
Today? You shitting me?
I have to go.
Come on. No, no, no.
Look, like, yesterday, my
partner cornered me at the...
At the firm and he said because
we have this... Not today.
It's just gonna be
like, for an hour.
All right. Ready?
Hold on. Hold on.
Three, two, one, go. Go!
Oh! Not even close.
Not even close.
Oh!
I wasn't looking.
Did you see?
I'm sorry, ladies, are you
missing a little boy?
Okay... Is this
little boy yours?
Okay.
He's not yours?
He's just following us. We
don't know whose he is.
I have to pee.
Oh, God I have to pee.
Could be a different city.
Correct. Yeah.
So, even if you're clothed when
you have an erection Exactly.
Yes.
That's out and greasy.
Okay.
Up to two is this?
All right. All right.
Time to start drinking.
Wanna make a toast.
260 blocks, the entire
length of Manhattan,
my final day in the city, so...
To one last great adventure.
Okay, just real quick.
Does it have to be last?
How about another?
Sure.
You got it.
Really? Wait a second, you
know what, how about...
It's his toast.
Let him have his toast.
Another in the long series of...
All right, fine. In a
long series of adventure.
Maybe just...
How about one?
To coming and semen.
You got it.
I like it.
I'll drink to that. To
coming and semen. Yeah.
And all the joy they provide.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh wow!
Did you hold up?
It's like, it's like giving
head to a fine gentleman.
- Give me that.
- All right.
Ah!
Careful.
Okay.
All right.
We gotta get moving, guys,
this island's not gonna walk itself.
260 blocks.
All right, now is
as good a time as any.
- A robber walks into your house.
- Oh.
That's what I'm talking about.
Robber walks into your house,
he puts a gun to your head,
says, Sophie's Choice, you gotta pick
one or I'll shoot you in the face.
All right.
Option one is...
This is just occurring to
me, but why is he a robber?
Uh, you meet the love of your life...
I mean, what's he robbing?
You of your time. This woman is perfect.
She's like.
An 11 out of 10.
All right. She got this incredible
body and the sex is great.
Intelligent. Is that
intelligent sex?
Don't worry about it,
you're never gonna have it.
I'm gonna go on. All right, so
time comes in the relationship,
about six months in...
Where it's time to
meet her family, okay?
So you all decide to go away
to a little county house,
just you and her and her folks,
for about two weeks.
But you all share one bathroom.
That's important.
All right, now
for the entire time you're there,
remember, two weeks, long time.
Every time you have
to take a shit,
you do it...
You have to take
a shit in the bathtub.
All right, okay.
Boom!
Okay, all right, wait I'll tell you
what I'd do. I would just hold it in.
You can't.
You can't hold it in.
Why not.
Firstly, it's impossible.
Secondly, it's
against the rules.
And thirdly after you leave
that dookie in the bathtub,
you have to deny it forever.
You can never say that it was you.
Wow.
Is this a museum?
Well, that ends the
relationship, so fine.
Not necessarily, I mean, remember,
this is like, the perfect woman,
so she might forgive you
Got it. Shit down the drain.
Shit down the drain.
Geez, Billy.
What? I'm just trying to understand
the parameters of the scenario.
What's option number two?
Uh, right.
Option two.
Okay, so...
For the next year,
starting tomorrow,
everywhere you go, you,
and only you are responsible
for taking two cars.
So, the logistics...
Uh, so think about it.
If you need to go to work,
then you need to drive there,
then you have to somehow get
back, walk or cab or something.
And then you have to take
another car, then you're there.
Can you...
No, you can't walk.
Can... And no you can't
take the subway.
Okay? You can't tow the car. You
can't get a ride. Nothing like that.
Okay.
Uh...
What kind of gas
mileage do these get?
What is the matter with you?
How do you clothe and
feed yourself seriously?
How are you such an asshole?
Practice.
Okay.
Yeah? All right. I,
okay option two is
take two cars and...
Option one is fortnight of
in-law bathtub shitting.
Yeah. Okay.
Not even a question.
I'm gonna go option two.
Uh.
Take the two cars...
Why is that not a question?
'Cause I can't even imagine
what Emma's parents would do.
I don't even wanna see it. Yeah.
If I was to shit
in their bathtub.
It's true and she shouldn't forgive you.
Nightmare.
No.
Shouldn't...
Where is your sense of romance?
I mean this is the love of
your life we're talking about.
Yeah but the love of your
life should leave you
if you defecate in the bathtub.
You're... Don't knock
freestyle defecation, man.
Okay, so that's
what you would do.
You're a bathtub, bathtub kinda guy?
I'm not knocking it
I just wanna be honest about it.
I'm just... I'm not You
don't have to lie about it
playing this game
I find it childish and silly.
Classic Gunderson.
Do they have museums in Ohio?
Oh fuck.
Fuck you.
You couldn't help yourself.
No, do you...
This is a dumb question.
Is that a serious question?
What museums are in Ohio?
- Uh, the...
- Excuse me.
Sorry.
We'll be quiet.
Yeah.
What is wrong with you?
Who? Which one?
Don't put your bare feet
on the bench up like that.
Come on.
She's right.
Put it down.
Sorry. Sorry.
People actually have
to sit there after you.
I got it.
Put your feet down.
I gotta put my socks on.
It's disgusting.
Okay. You've been moving around
and sitting there like
a child for 10 minutes.
You're just incredibly rude.
Okay, that's called
cognitive dissonance.
Yeah. Ding ding.
I said, excuse me.
Yeah, okay.
And I said that's what
we call cognitive dissonance.
Right, and then I put my sock on.
That's what happened.
So, we've have covered everything.
Come on, Barb.
Oh, don't drag
Barbara into this. BILLY: Yeah.
I'm gonna request that
you boys be thrown out.
No. Wait, wait, no, no, no.
- No don't do that.
- No.
Why don't we just step outside.
You me, Tweety Bird there.
Let's take you out
for a nice juicy steak.
Yeah.
We're young.
We're flirty.
We're nervous. I'm nervous
around older women.
Because I assume you're
older, I'm not sure.
We could all
just have a little fun.
So let me ride the
lightning of your love.
I would definitely get that little
canary to sit on my finger.
Come on.
Fuck you!
Oh!
Shhh!
You're in a museum.
Have some respect.
Excuse me?
You really should
get your feet off there.
Oh, dude.
For real it's disgusting.
How old are you?
She's got a great point.
Really? Okay.
Yeah.
Billy, let me ask
you a question.
Do you have a single independent
thought in that head of yours?
Why are we friends
with you again?
Yeah, why are we even
friends with you again?
Come on, you love me.
I'm an anarchist,
but I'm not a dangerous one.
I don't accept that there's
any order in the cosmos
but I do want the trains to run.
I mean, I'm just looking
at the two of you and...
You do everything he does,
like, you're just...
You're his shadow. I mean why
did you order an egg cream?
What are you intimating?
I love egg creams.
Why else would I order...
Delicious.
Yes, they are delicious. Yeah.
You love egg creams?
Then tell me,
lover of egg creams,
what's in an egg cream?
You don't have to answer that.
What?
No, he does.
What's, what's in an egg cream?
It's fine. All right, all
right I'm gonna tell you.
Okay. First of all
there is chocolate.
Cream.
Chocolate syrup.
Syrup and there are eggs in there.
Seltzer. Seltzer.
- Seltzer. Seltzer.
- And there's Seltzer.
Whole milk... Uh, there's...
You know...
You know what, there are... Who
cares what is in the egg...
I don't...
All that matters
is that they're refreshing
and delicious. Right.
Couldn't agree more.
Okay?
Look no one wants to stop
you from going and helping your dad,
but why are you staying there?
You don't know anything
about rubber and plastic.
Ach, what's there to know.
And that's not the point anyway.
The point is that it's a stable
career and that's what I need.
You know what else is stable?
Death. You should try that.
Gee whiz, thanks, buddy. That
makes me feel a whole lot better.
You're welcome.
What do you want me to do?
My dad needs me, you know.
He asked for my help
and I'm gonna help him.
If I don't go now,
he's gonna have to sell.
I guess I didn't
expect you to give up.
Billy, maybe... Who said
anything about giving up?
My work is still up
at Starving Arts.
You know, like...
I can still paint from
wherever I am, including Ohio.
You know, Tabatha
thinks it's very sweet.
Oh, so you're taking advice
from your ex-girlfriend?
Nice. A friend. A current
friend, as well.
Sure, that's a sound decision.
Jesus, man there's only so many
times I can watch my bank account
fall before zero before
I want to kill myself.
You know, I'm in my thirties...
And I'm moving into
my dad's basement!
Temporarily, I said.
Temporarily.
Yeah, that's what everyone who moves
into their dad's basement says.
Oh my God! And 30 years
later they murder someone.
Oh, I get it now.
I get it. So obvious.
Oh.
You're gonna miss me.
You know me better than that.
You are.
You're gonna miss me.
Come here. Give me a goodbye kiss.
Huh? No.
Don't touch me. You think our
facial hair is gonna stick together
Nobody, nobody likes you. like Velcro?
Baby. Baby.
Nobody likes you.
I, uh...
I don't know how
anyone can do that.
I have to meet the baby before
we name him officially.
Okay, no, I get that but...
But have you considered Billy?
Yeah, if he's a humongous pussy.
I'll name him Billy.
Ah, the gallery.
Always look like a coffee shop to me.
Hey, Cece.
Where's my stuff?
Jake.
Ty didn't call you?
Who, Ty? No. Why?
What wrong?
Let's sit.
Okay.
Uh...
McKenze was here.
What? Max McKenze?
He was so drunk.
Oh, he's in town because um...
'Cause that showing
of his, his early work.
It's going on all week
down in Soho.
They have a DJ.
And snacks.
Yeah, I know. He was um...
Totally sauced.
And he...
Well, he thought that you were
trying to copy his style.
The whole New York
nostalgia thing.
What? I tried to
explain it to him.
Hold on. Hold on.
He thought I was copying him?
He said that?
He destroyed them.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Who did? Max McKenze
destroyed my paintings?
Jake, I am so sorry.
I am like...
Wait.
- Feet are already tired.
- Yeah, I hear you.
I didn't know you got a tattoo.
Yes Billy, I have a tattoo.
Just saying for the record, I
did not know that you did that.
Great story.
Fuck me...
I saved this one
before he could slice it up.
But not, not before he...
Peed on it.
Excuse me? He what on it?
That's piss?
You're always saying how you
wanted to collaborate with...
Max MacKenze, so...
Now you have.
God, I feel so bad.
He put his paintings
up there specifically
'cause that's where
McKenze got his start.
Really?
Yeah.
We should help him.
You can't help a
dead man, as the saying goes.
That is not a saying.
Maybe not in
your limited experience.
Guys, he doesn't want
to go back to Ohio.
I mean, he invited Tabatha.
Why did he do that?
Masochism.
No, he's just looking
for a reason to stay.
I'm been shaming the guy all day.
It hasn't made a dent.
The dude is leaving.
No, we can get him to stay.
Listen, I'm gonna somehow,
I'm gonna skip this
checkup with Emma. Can you
still get out of work, Billy?
Yeah, but you told me not to skip.
I know but
my heart is changed.
No worries.
Done and done.
Okay.
Ooh, and what irrational
foolhardy thing should I do?
You two could stop
the constant bickering.
We're not constantly bickering.
Yes we are.
Okay, okay.
You know what guys,
let's uh... Let's...
Call it a day.
No.
No, no, no. It's been
great that we got to hang out,
but you're busy, we're all busy.
No, not anymore. No.
No, no, forget it.
It's been taken care of,
let's keep walking.
Got a really good idea, I think
you'll like it. Come on, now, Jake.
Yeah?
Absolutely, come on.
Let's do this.
Okay. Come on. Adventure time.
Let's gonna go down memory lane.
You're gonna love it.
All right.
It literally looks
exactly the same.
Hey man, thanks again for,
you know, letting us...
Uh, yeah, no problem, man.
You guys want
some breakfast or...
Oh, did you just wake up?
Oh, man remember those days?
Barely.
What?
I had the bed
the other way, but still...
Lotta history
in this room, Alex.
Lot of history.
You know there was a fire
here, like eight years ago.
Really?
Yeah.
No, there was
no fire. Stop...
Don't start calling
it a fire again. Okay?
Hey, no bickering, right?
He's just really
sensitive about the fire.
Takes a few minutes, but it
was like, instantaneous.
Yeah. This place is so
much smaller than I...
So was there,
like a fire or not?
I try to help. That's what I do.
I'm a hero.
You know if somebody else
like Jake had been there,
who know? The whole place would
have probably burned down.
Okay, there was no fire.
Okay? You destroyed
everything I owned.
Sorry, man. BILLY: With
a fire extinguisher.
Brings up a lot of old issues.
I almost 100%
sure there was a fire.
If there was a fire, why wasn't
anything in my room burned at all?
Because I put the fire out.
I prevented your room from burning.
You're welcome!
Not a single part of the room, Gunderson
was in the least bit charred.
Okay? And yet,
all my photographs and my books
and my, my computer, my...
Magazine collection,
my mom's prized collection
of presidential campaign buttons
dating back to Grover Garfield
were completely covered
in foam and destroyed.
It's just a little
difficult to reconcile with this fire
that you so heroically put out.
I think the important
question is,
who the hell is Grover Garfield?
Okay, I misspoke.
That's not a president.
It's not the...
Point.
Hi.
No way.
Oh, yeah. That was here
when we got here. Huh.
Thought it was
pretty fucking Gershwin.
Yeah, it's pretty Gershwin.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, I guess.
You know, I feel like doing
something really dumb.
What do you think?
Oh, I don't know you.
Uh, guys.
No, no,
I know Mr. Kim.
Larry, sorry. Yeah, yeah it's
just that, it's just flared up.
It's terrible timing and I really
wanted to come to work today.
It's just a general
kind of hurting feeling.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, no, no, no.
It's a urologist...
How much for all those?
Five?
How much for everything?
Squirrel and a hydro post.
It's got a little nut for
a football.
What, Rocks
thought it was funny.
Bee in your face.
There's a bee in your face.
I already have an appointment.
You don't have to do that.
It's in the network...
Don't wanna bother
your friend on a Saturday.
There he is.
Hey. What do you think?
Hey.
- I like it.
- Yeah?
You gonna leave it here?
Yeah.
This is kind of
a symbolic bathroom for me.
Truth be told
Tabatha and I actually...
Had sex in there.
Go on.
It was super uncomfortable.
But, you know I've actually thought about
it a lot about it since then and...
Even though it was awful, honestly awful.
Disgusting...
I think it was maybe
one of the most
enjoyable sexual
encounters of my life.
In retrospect.
It's so hard to pee
with a boner.
I'm sorry about that.
God to say it out loud,
it sounds so uh, trite.
- Sex in the bathroom?
- Yeah.
No, no it sounds all right.
I uh... I need
to tell you something.
When I saw Tabatha...
She...
At Ted and Audrey's?
Yeah, she told me
that her and...
You know,
what's-his-fuck broke up.
Sebastian?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Are you fucking with me?
Tabatha's single now?
Currently single?
Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
And you found out this when?
On Wednesday?
And now it's Saturday.
I thought she was
coming to the walk,
she said you invited her
so I just figured you...
I wanted... Are you fucking...
You know what?
No, I glad I didn't know that.
Wednesday was...
That was bad for me.
No, it is actually good timing.
This is fucking terrible timing.
Dude, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I do not need to know this now.
Oh, come on, man
this is fucked up.
I mean what am I going
to do with this information?
In fact why didn't she tell me?
Fuck her!
I didn't mean that. That was knee-jerk.
That's not me.
She's probably
in pain. Oh God.
I should call here.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? I don't understand
what you wanted me to do.
God! Man, you know what
dick move for telling me.
Real dick move.
But I appreciate it.
That took guts. Should I
not have told you at all?
You should not
have told me at all.
No.
Okay and I apologize.
You should have told me before.
Okay, then I'm not sorry
and you're welcome.
I can't do the walk, it's...
No in fact... You can
do the walk, come on.
Ah! God!
This changes nothing.
This changes nothing.
You're right.
Right, let's go, Tabatha...
Rocks... Oh, fuck!
No and to think that...
For the last three years
she was with Sebastian.
Tristan before that.
Where are the normal names here?
She's almost literally
been with somebody
every single day since
we broke up and now that
I have a chance
to be with her, I can't
because I'm leaving and I'm
never going to see her again.
Okay, well, why don't
we focus on the walk?
I mean, where are we going next?
No, I think Jake's right.
Let's focus on things that
we have no control over.
Gunderson, will you
look at, look at him.
Okay? Look at this
little face.
Cant' we, can't you be supportive
of this face for once in your life?
I've been supportive.
Hey, who put the fire
out in your room?
Okay, for the last time
stop calling it a fire.
Then what should
I call it? A conflagration?
A holocaust?
Here we go.
Just drop it.
How dare you!
Let it go.
We lost... No.
I will not...
I will not...
We lost great aunts and... You
didn't lose anyone at all.
Well, not directly but... ROCKS:
I don't know what that means.
Indirectly, almost surely...
Okay, all right.
Fair. Fair.
Jake, I got a call from work,
and one of my teachers
got food poisoning
for like, the umpteenth time,
and I have to go in
for just an hour,
I couldn't get anyone
to cover, it's on the way.
It'll just be an hour.
You guys can come. No.
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
It's on the way.
No! Dude, not now!
Now's the worst possible time. I've
got an existential crisis afoot.
You don't mean existential.
I don't even know if I mean afoot.
What does afoot mean?
Pythagorean's theorem, you guys.
It's super cool.
You're gonna have...
Five to seven questions on it.
On the test, depending
on which one you get.
So, I wanna go over it
and make sure we all...
Did you just look at my test?
Gunderson, stop
looking at my test.
I'm not looking at your test.
I've already done number 21.
I bet you forgot about the
three quadratics, Gunderson.
I bet you forgot that you're a
college graduate and this is pointless.
It won't be
pointless when I beat you.
Yes, it will.
Hey, is he almost
done with his class?
Is that Emma?
I'm just disappointed.
I know.
I just...
I can't believe you would miss
one of the last appointments
before the baby would come.
I'm very sorry.
And to go out drinking
with your friends...
It's just such a fucking
cliche and... Okay.
Oh my God! I sound like I'm one
of those bitchy annoying girls.
Well, you have every right to me mad, okay.
You do. I'm sorry.
I absolutely shouldn't have
missed the appointment.
No, you should not have
missed the appointment.
But it was not about just drinking
with my friends, okay, it wasn't.
We are trying to get
Jake to stay.
You know if he has
a good time today,
he might actually do that,
it could go either way.
Really?
Yes.
And you know between
Billy and Gunderson,
he's our only viable
babysitting option.
Oh.
Okay. I can't
argue with that.
So listen...
At the appointment today...
Doctor Leponis and I discussed
the birth plan...
Yeah. You know, and who's gonna
be in there when
it all goes down and...
I decided that I want to keep
the participants to a minimum.
Fine. Yeah.
Okay, it'll be
just... Just us.
Cozy.
No, I...
I mean not you.
She said that it's actually
really common
for women to not want
their partners in there...
Are you kidding?
For that. I mean...
God! I don't want
you to see that.
You just decided this?
Well, Marcel, I...
You know that I've been really
stressed out about this. I'm scared.
I mean, what if you
don't want me after that?
Are you kidding me right now?
You're not one who has to
have a baby coming out...
Of your vagina, okay?
Yes, I do realize that.
I understand how
children are born.
Look, how would
you feel, if I brought
a bunch of strangers
into the bathroom to watch you
do whatever it is you do
in there for 45 minutes.
That's not something
that you want people to see.
What are you talking about?
How is me being there for the
birth of our son remotely like
you bringing in strangers
to watch me take a dump?
Okay, I get that that's not
a great analogy, now, okay.
No, it's not a great
analogy at all.
It's not even a
mediocre analogy.
I don't, I don't even
understand. Am I...
Am I the one going
into the bathroom?
Am I bringing in the strangers?
No, you're the stranger.
I didn't mean it like that.
Yeah, you did.
Oh shit!
Okay, I
don't know who any of you are...
Inside voices, please.
Is there a Renee here?
Tasha? Is that right?
All right. Kuyken...
Kuykendall? Is that you?
Wait, what's your question?
I don't know what a function is.
What is a function?
How come you
don't know the answer?
Well, I...
Guys, can you?
Look, none of this
matters in the real world.
And I don't even teach here.
Is that lady
Mr. Reznowski's wife?
No, that is his fiancee,
but they love...
So his kid's gonna be a bastard?
Yes.
What are they arguing about?
Ah, good question.
You know, actually French playwright
Jean Anouilh put it best.
Okay, my friend is having an
existential crisis, please.
He does not mean existential.
You know what,
you need to know this.
You really do. So write
his down if you have to.
Life is not gonna turn out
the way you planned it.
That's the bottom line.
Okay. And here's
another piece of advice.
Don't invest in anyone.
You probably meet a guy,
and he's gonna be great.
And you'll love him and you
give everything to him
and just when
you think it's perfect...
He's gonna take your heart,
he's gonna put it in a blender
and he's gonna press frappe.
Okay. Then he's gonna
pour it down the toilet
and if that wasn't bad enough,
you're gonna jump on into that
toilet after and try and grab it
and you're gonna come out the other
side covered in piss and shit
like Tim Robbins at the end
of Shawshank Redemption
and if you haven't
seen that movie,
then I cannot help you.
Okay? But here's
the good news.
Okay, because
at the end of all that,
the next thing you got
marked on your calendar
is a probably painful,
inevitable death.
So, all right, class dismissed.
Right, why don't
you figure this out...
Hey, Em.
Bye, guys.
Decisions. That's the
big thing right now.
We're just having all
these arguments about...
You know what color
the baby's room should be.
Yellow or cream,
things like that.
- Yellow.
- And I find myself
talking all these hard lined positions
really just to argue, I mean...
I don't care what color
the actual baby's room is,
'cause in the end
it doesn't matter.
It should be yellow.
But I hear myself arguing
that one color
will literally lead
the child becoming president and the
other one's gonna make him a murderer.
Same thing.
Yeah, it's totally irrational,
all right, I mean...
Nobody actually remembers what
color their baby room was.
Yellow.
Really?
Yeah.
Explains a lot.
It was awesome.
What are we doing here?
Is this a planned stop?
I hate cathedrals!
Ugh!
And the answer is, back in 1895,
"Construction of the cathedral"
"was halted due
to a labor dispute"
"that resulted in..."
Fuck it.
No.
Put myself to sleep with that.
I apologize...
What happened to labor dispute?
- Oh, who cares. Fuck it.
- You know.
You know what, teaching
here is one of the...
One of the great achievements
of mine in New York.
Maybe the only
great achievement.
That's not true. That's
not true, come on.
It's true! No, honestly. I think
I did about the only thing.
No, that's not true.
None of your students
have amounted to anything. So...
Yeah. Doesn't really
count as an achievement.
Gunderson, come on...
Yeah, you know,
like, great achievements.
- No.
- I mean, that's it.
No, but... What about that
show you had in New Jersey?
Yeah...
That was awesome.
It was in New Jersey but still...
You had one in Staten...
You had a thing
in Staten Island.
I mean, if it's
Staten Island, Yeah.
It's something.
It's something.
Remember, you almost
sold a painting on the subway?
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no.
The guy almost stole the
painting on the subway.
Oh. GUNDERSON:
But still, he liked it.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, people who are
really excited...
You gotta start somewhere.
That's true, I guess.
It's tough.
I don't know.
It's good.
This is actually...
Kind of makes me feel good.
I love this place.
Really, 'cause
these are garbage.
And your fridge is gonna
be filled with that.
Yeah, I hope.
How do you pretend to like that?
That's awful.
I don't have to pretend.
That's a beauty.
I mean, I... I
genuinely like this.
You're not understanding what this
kid did with space, negative space.
Uh... GUNDERSON: Now, I understand
why you like Jake's stuff.
Hey...
Is it about the money?
Does your dad need...
I mean...
Is that why you're leaving?
If it is, I'm more than happy...
I don't want your money.
I'm just saying,
I'll give you a little...
I'm not your charity case, okay?
Jacob.
I was wondering if you could
clear up something for me.
Weren't you planning on
breaking up with Emma
before you found out she was
carrying your demon seed?
I...
No, man, I... Really,
you weren't?
No, we were gonna have
a bit of a conversation
that, you know, could've
pre-empted... Good.
But...
And my son.
Right, yeah. But the fact...
But, I...
I don't... We were definitely
not gonna break up, no.
Not... Not for sure.
Hmm.
What's the latest?
Well, my partner at the firm
has actually set up
an appointment
with his urologist
friend for me today.
Right.
So I am telling him
that the rash
has spread to my legs
and I'm having trouble walking.
Ah. Oh.
Ergo, I won't be able
to go to his doctor.
Yeah.
Well...
Sounds medically dubious.
Yeah.
Hey, do you think that
the guys hate me?
Yeah.
No, seriously.
I mean, the whole lawyer
thing, the money,
it just feels different
than when we were all
unemployed and broke.
Yeah, you don't wanna
go back to that, though.
Well, I mean, do I?
Remember how much
you used to give blood?
Yeah...
It's not safe.
Yeah, but it was... It
was sort of exciting.
I guess.
I keep thinking about
what the most important thing
is for my son, what I...
What I want for him the most,
besides, obviously
wanting him to be...
Healthy, easy-going...
Yeah, sure.
I think it's just
for him to be confident
and not worrying all the time,
about what everyone else thinks.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I like that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My God...
The thing is, that I can't really talk
to my friends about it, you know.
They're good guys, but...
It's... We're not
really the kind of guys
who can, you know,
open up and...
And really, I'm sorry,
is there meant
to be, like, a booth
or a partition, or wall, or...
That's confession in a
Catholic church, Jacob.
We are Episcopalian.
Sure. Okay.
Just kind of feels weird talking
to someone I can't see.
I feel that way every
time I talk to God.
Zing.
Not really.
No. I guess not.
Well, I may as well
just dive into it, then.
I think I'm still in love
with Tabatha.
There it is.
I am.
And I also know
that my dad needs me.
That's important.
Especially now.
He's sick.
But I just... I can't
shake this feeling
that maybe leaving is
the wrong thing to do.
Let me tell you this.
God very rarely
limits us to two options.
In fact, our choices
are endless, infinite.
But it is up to us to make one.
I would love to be able
to tell you what to do.
But I'm an Episcopalian,
not a Catholic priest.
Right.
I get it. Okay.
You know what, just before I...
I'm not 100% on it.
So, when you say "infinite"
you know, there...
How many is that exactly?
It's like with Jesus.
Okay, hold on.
Accepting we all know how
that turned out for him.
You know.
No, I'm just... It's just...
I'm just saying.
It's probably not the
best example, that's all.
Go on.
I tell you what, maybe it's time
that you convert some of
that analytical energy
into kinetic energy.
Right.
Why is he taking us east?
Maybe he's
gonna go to the bathroom.
I need a cupcake.
I'm out of breath.
What the fuck is this?
It's a birthday
party for children.
Goddamn it!
Hey.
Jake!
Yeah! Hey.
Hey. Hey, Raja, Ankur.
Marty. Wait. Did you
finish your walk?
No, not yet.
We will.
I just wanted to...
Have you got a second?
Could I talk to you
for a second?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Of course.
Come on.
No, I'm not cheating!
I'm serious.
I cannot fucking believe this.
I haven't been... No, I
abandoned work for this
and now, Jake just diverts the
whole thing for his ex-girlfriend?
It's unconscionable!
I wanna fly! I wanna fly!
I wanna fly!
Oh! Hey, there.
Sorry, little fella,
but we're all out of pixie dust.
Oh. Oh my...
Oh, my God!
He just licked me! Yeah!
Get him! Get him!
Why did you lick me,
you little monster?
Hey! I gotcha!
Hands! Stop it!
Stop it!
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky,
go, go over there.
Over there.
Ugh! That kid is awful! Oh.
Kid is my son.
Oh! Hey, friend.
Guys.
Hey, Zeke, how you doing?
Whoa! Blast from
the past...
What are you guys doing here?
Jake came to visit Tabatha.
We're on a bit of a...
Nostalgia tour.
Seriously?
Yeah.
I thought nostalgia was supposed
to be a pleasant thing.
Right. So...
Yeah.
So you have to shit
in a bathtub?
Yeah, two weeks, and
you can't tell anyone.
You have to deny it forever.
Yeah...
You know, I forgive that.
Really?
Yeah! For the love of my life, yeah.
Yeah. Wow!
Wow.
Yeah. But that does not
give you permission
to shit in Chuck and Joyce's bathtub.
Do not do it.
- Oh, bummer.
- Yeah.
And as far as the second part...
Hey, should I stay in New York?
Do you think?
Am I doing the right thing by...
I gotta get back to the party.
Hmm.
You still got it.
Yeah.
Hey, it's okay.
It's okay.
You got a problem?
You got an issue?
Do you have a problem?
All right, I'm gonna
give it a shot.
Oh. Yeah, sure. She
doesn't like men, so...
Oh. Let's see how this works.
There you go. Yeah.
There you go.
Kids like me.
Yeah.
I don't really like them.
But what are you gonna do?
Don't ruin her life.
Ah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay.
Argh! Go!
Whoo!
Terrible choice.
Gun!
It's Melanie!
Melanie Ortmeyer?
Well, Melanie Macdonald now.
I thought that was you.
Do you remember me?
You're that girl that
doesn't listen, right?
I can't believe it! So
what are you doing here?
Living a personal nightmare.
This is such a coincidence.
You know, I just
had a dream about you.
Who cares!
God! You know, I haven't seen
you since Teach for America.
Yeah. I was a fucking
disaster, right?
You don't really wanna
have this conversation.
Oh!
Do you?
You're here with Jake.
I saw him, too.
It's just like old times, huh?
Not at all.
I've got my little rugrat
running around here somewhere.
I don't give a shit.
You have stupid glasses.
You never would've have
thought I'd be a mom, right?
I thought you'd be dead by now.
I feel so old
just saying it to you...
Yeah, same to you later.
Oh. Bye!
Ahh! Why is this
happening to me?
Help!
You fucking bit me
Yeah.
Yeah. Get him.
Oh, my God!
It's a nightmare!
Yes...
Oh, God!
Get off. Get off of me!
Um...
Do you have
another second just to...
It'll be quick.
Oh. I can't.
Well, we can. We did.
So we've already
kind of, you know, done.
It's been did. So...
I... I can't...
I'm still in love with you.
So...
Yeah.
I'll you get back to the
pixie dust station.
Okay. Don't say it
unless you mean it.
Okay, then, I'm still
in love with you.
Tabatha...
Look.
My parents are having one of
their pre-show dinner parties
in, like, in an hour and a half?
Why don't you come by?
We'll talk.
Yeah. Done.
All right.
Look, I... I'm just
warning you.
I've been crying for, like,
three days, on and off.
Mostly, on.
So I don't know if this is
nostalgia or... I just...
Come at your own peril,
that's what I'm saying.
Understood.
Okay, no more talking.
We'll talk about it
on the way over.
Okay.
Great.
Oh. Can I
meet you there?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck...
How quickly... What is the
vaginal rejuvenation like?
Good question.
That I don't actually know.
Because Noreen
had a c-section.
Oh, okay.
Right, so it was fine.
Or it would've been fine
if we have had any desire
to have sex afterwards.
Do you remember boys'
breakfast every Saturday?
Yeah.
God.
The only way that a
girl would get invited
was if she'd slept with one
of us the night before.
Bunch of assholes!
Anyway, boys' breakfast
turns into couples' brunch,
which eventually
becomes birthday parties.
Completely elaborate, unnecessarily
complicated birthday parties
at which I am dressed
as a pirate.
And somebody's gotta
take you to breakfast.
I haven't had pancakes
in eight years.
I'll make you pancakes.
Shit!
What? I'm doing it now. Now.
You're doing it now?
Dad!
Yes, I... I'm getting
the dessert.
What do you mean, what
have I been doing?
I'm... I've been
playing with children!
Now!
Ricky, not now.
Ricky, that's enough. Now!
Before the party
that I organized...
Dad!
I planned this!
Oh. Okay.
Guys, I need to tell you something.
Oh, look who it is!
Jake, it's my partner.
You know the guy
I've been lying to all day
so that we could go out
and have an adventure,
that guy, remember that?
Yeah, I do.
Unconscionable.
Yeah, I know, I got the files.
You know what, I'm actually
on my way to the
doctor's right now.
He's gotta go. Fuck you! Oh.
Gunderson, what the fuck!
- What the fuck!
- "What the fuck!"
This... No, this is not a joke, okay?
This is my job.
Oh, it's not a joke? No.
Is this a fucking joke, "This
is a Tattoo?" All right, guys.
You know what,
I told you before that
- I didn't know that you got a tattoo.
- Okay.
Oh, you didn't
know I got a tattoo. Guys.
That is correct. For one
second, if I could just...
And anyway mine
is completely different.
Rocks.
What? Just leave me out.
What... Rocks!
Yeah, fine.
He knew.
Rocks!
When he found out about your
"This is not a Tattoo" tattoo,
he decided it'd be ironic
if he got a "This is
a Tattoo" tattoo.
It doesn't matter.
Who cares?
That's not ironic, you imbecile.
Yeah, it is!
No, it's not!
You have a tattoo
that says it's a tattoo.
That's the exact opposite
of what "ironic" means!
Yeah, but that
is the ironic part.
No, it's not. Yes, that's
what I was going for.
You're a fucking idiot.
Fucking stop it, okay?
Gunderson, you are a
shit-face, you know that?
You're an inconsiderate
shit pile!
All right.
You know what?
You know what?
I wish that I let your stuff
burn up in that room.
You fucking...
Ow!
Cut it out, guys.
You son of a...
So civil.
What are you doing?
Stop. Enough. Billy!
Leave him alone! Get off of him!
I will pummel you!
All right. Fine! It was me!
All right, it was me!
I did it.
Not Gunderson, me.
It was me!
Stop it!
It wasn't Gunderson!
I ruined your stuff!
All right?
I destroyed your
stuff, all right? I'm sorry.
It's true. It wasn't me.
I was hammered.
I mean...
I was shit-faced and I
thought it'd be funny.
I had no idea
that the foam
in those extinguishers
cause so much damage.
I thought they were...
What?
Gunderson wasn't even with me.
You just immediately
assumed it was him.
I got to say,
I admired your work
and was happy
to take credit for it.
I can't believe you took
the blame this whole time.
It was dick thing to do, Billy.
I should've told you sooner
and I will totally pay
you back for everything
that was damaged, with interest.
Wow, feels good.
That actually feels good.
It's a relief.
Dragging that
around for so long.
It's good. It's nice...
Nice feeling.
There's one other thing
I need to tell you.
About the walk.
And Tabatha
Guys, no offense,
but, you're
not invited, all right?
I need to do this on my own.
Damn it, that's broken.
Let the record show
that I'm no longer in this
to keep Jake in New York.
Excuse me? You're trying
to keep me in New York?
Well, it was. Now, I
just wanna make sure
that you and Tabatha
never get back together.
Are you fucking with me?
You're trying to break
Tabatha and me up?
You guys aren't together now.
Not current... You know what
I mean, for crying out loud.
You guys are awful together.
You're worse
than Heathcliff and Cathy.
I was always more of a
Garfield man myself.
I'm just looking out for you.
You don't need to look out.
I can look after my...
You know what,
I had the stupid idea
that maybe you'd be
happy for me. God, stupid.
I was happy for you, Jake,
when I thought we're gonna
be out adventuring.
All right. Why don't we just
meet up with each other
in a couple of hours and
grab a drink then, huh?
How's that sound? Rocks,
drinks in a couple of hours?
No? He's drunk.
What's your big plan anyway?
Aren't you leaving tomorrow?
Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we'll
do a long-distance thing.
Maybe I won't
leave, I don't know.
Really? Seriously?
It's possible.
I don't know, Billy!
I just know that
I've never been happier
than I was when I was with her.
That is not true, all right?
Life sucked back then
and it sucks now.
Deal with it.
You know what, I didn't want
to have to do this, but you...
You leave me
no choice. All right?
Oh, come on!
I'm on your tail! Fuck's sake!
Guys, guys, guys!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Okay, okay, fine.
You can come,
but for fuck's sake,
just please, please,
behave yourselves.
Who you're talking to?
Of course, we will.
Yeah.
And we're gonna
need to bring wine.
And you're paying.
Okay. Well, we are
near my office.
There's a place a
couple of blocks down
that we've got
an expense account.
Great.
I need a cupcake.
Just real quick.
The... I know the fire
extinguisher debacle was Jake,
but I'm still gonna blame you.
Impressive, and I accept.
- Come on, Jake, just one.
- No.
- Please! Jake.
- No.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake,
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.
Real quick.
Ugh...
Fine. All right. A robber
walks into your house,
puts a gun to your head,
he says Sophie's Choice.
Option one is
you have to gain and lose
30 pounds every month
for the rest of your life, or...
Oh.
Or option two,
you could stop making him
play this stupid game.
Gunderson, will you just
shut the fuck up? Billy?
Mr. Kim.
Larry, please.
How are you feeling?
Not good.
I am coughing up blood.
Oh, dear, really?
No. No.
I don't know
why I just said that.
I see.
Yeah. No, I just...
I just... You know.
I thought I'd pick up a wine
on my way to the doctor.
It's not exactly on the way.
No, it is not.
That's true.
And my friends are here, too.
We're not his friends.
You know, I just wanted to...
Wanted to pick up a bottle,
little something
to wet the palette.
It's just a little parched.
Next time,
you wanna spend the day
horsing around
with your friends...
Oh, Mr. Kim, that's...
I get it.
I do. Just...
Next time tell me the truth.
Okay?
Nailed it.
Congratulations, you got
away with it.
What the hell, I mean, was that?
I mean, is he serious?
He seems perfect.
Hey, where is Jake?
Bumblebees.
Surprise!
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.
What are you doing
here? Please, no.
For me? Thank you.
Hi. GUNDERSON:
These are for you.
Hey! Oh! Hey, good to see you.
Hey.
Tab, hey, hey.
Thank you. What?
Here's the answer.
You sleep with Helen Keller
because of the heightened
sense of touch.
You should kill Amelia Earhart
because there would
finally be a body. Oh.
And there would be closure.
Ah, that's a sweet story.
There'd be closure.
And then, you're gonna
marry no one, actually.
Because that one
was a trick question.
Because how do you know
someone well enough
to marry them? You don't.
Oh, yeah. I'd probably
sleep with all of them.
And then, maybe one
would die accidentally.
Thus solving two thirds of the problem.
- Oh, very nice.
- No, very daft.
Classy, Dad, classy.
But, wait, wait, wait.
Tell... Now, tell me.
It's how long, this walk?
The walk is 260 blocks.
Oh.
It's about 15 miles.
Oh, that's marvelous!
I'm envious.
You guys are on a walkabout?
It's just four guys
getting...
I wouldn't call it a...
It doesn't
have to be a walkabout.
No, I mean that in a good way.
I don't mean
to devalue... Look.
I'll plead my case for you.
Um...
Throughout time,
throughout history,
there has been...
Before man began...
Yes.
Right, okay.
Take it way back, to the beginning.
Um...
There's always been
something to signify
the mechanism of men going
from childhood to adulthood.
There's always been something.
There's been a trek, a hunt,
a whore, whatever it is,
there is this...
Or all three.
There we go, or... Now,
there's nothing. Right.
There's whores.
There's nothing.
What in this culture
signifies that
for men?
See, Billy, that's why
you're still a child.
You don't have that mechanism
that will make you
into an adult.
I had a Bar Mitzvah.
Bar mitzvah.
Okay. And for women
it's just, you know, it's...
There is, like,
an internal clock
there's something very
different for women.
It's biological.
I don't think that
not knowing how to grow up
or having difficulty with that.
Is that new
a concept, necessarily.
No, no. Also, I would...
Also I think that
saying that women mature better
than men is...
Whoa! I did not
say that.
- I was not saying...
- If I may,
perhaps the idea that we
ever grow up is flawed.
Adults, children,
children, adults.
We are all both, at once!
Mmm-hmm.
I would say, it feels good
to think otherwise.
But, just because you feel good,
does not make it so.
Huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Dan, your wisdom never ceases
to amaze, yet confuse me.
Hear, hear.
The more you drink, the smarter I get.
You know what?
I have a game.
I think everybody is
going to love this game.
I can't take credit
for this game.
It's not my game.
It's actually Jake's game!
Jake's game!
Jake came up with this.
This is all Jake.
A robber bursts into your home,
puts a gun to your head,
and says, "You have two options",
Hey, hey. Come on man, no.
"or I kill you."
Option number one.
You leave the city that you have
called your home for so long.
You have to leave it.
You can never return.
Or option two.
You can stay in
that city you love
but you have to stay in
a loveless relationship.
Someone who your friends,
everyone in your life,
knows this person
is bad for you.
Trying to shape you and mold you
into something that you are not.
So her only goal...
So sorry guys.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
That was on me.
That was on me.
There's a bathroom upstairs.
Are you serious?
I was just, I'm looking for
the bathroom, and your room
snuck up on me.
The panty drawer's in there.
The panty drawer?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
What I was trying to
say to you before
just so you understand,
is it's not that women
necessarily grow up
better than men.
It's just that, their path
to adulthood is... Different.
I don't give a shit and
I was just being contrary.
Hmm.
So this is the room then, huh?
This is.
This is my childhood bedroom.
It is exactly the way I left it.
That's nice.
Mine's pretty much the same.
It's got a treadmill in it now.
Yeah.
I don't want to freak you out, but there's
six enormous faces looking at us.
Who are they?
What's their story?
- You know what?
- They seem...
I have...
A story for you.
Just doesn't make sense.
I mean, I lied repeatedly and
then directly to Mr. Kim's face,
and then, nothing.
It's funny. I don't remember inquiring
about you, in any kind of way.
It's just unsettling.
That's, that's the word
that I would use.
Fine, I'll bite.
Billy, you got away with it.
What's the big deal?
It's just that
the universe has an order.
Your transgressions
must be punished.
Without that order,
there's... Chaos.
You really are a
simple, simple boy.
Have you seen her?
Huh?
- Tabatha. Have you seen her?
- No.
Asshole. You don't care.
Neither of you care.
What are you even doing here? I asked
you not to... I begged you not to come.
You. You! That stunt you
pulled at dinner, come on man.
I'm going through an
existential crisis here.
You can't go... Whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
You are not going through
an existential crisis.
An existential crisis means that your whole
existence is being called into question.
What you're dealing with,
are transitional issues.
Is that really what
existential means?
Yes.
Oh.
You don't have to yell at me.
I didn't yell at you.
That was yelling.
So for my birthday, my
dad bought me Mmm-hmm.
A Holga camera.
It was my first camera ever.
And, this photograph was taken
the first time that I ever
heard my parents having sex.
Okay.
I heard all these sounds and...
I knew it was significant
so I ran back and I got my
camera and I got a tripod.
And I stood outside and I
faced away from the door.
And I looked
and I took the picture.
What a weirdo. What a weirdo.
I know.
I know, right.
And you would
not, not frame that
and put it on your wall
because...
It's a keeper, and you
put it up on your wall.
I didn't frame it.
Well, it's in a frame.
I know, they framed it.
They framed it.
They framed it.
Yeah.
So sick.
And did you tell them
honestly what it is.
Do they know what they framed?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know, either.
God! I'm worried
about her.
Maybe she's got diarrhea.
You know, sometimes when she
drinks too much coffee,
her stomach can get a little...
How about this one?
A robber shoots you in the head.
Says, "Sophie's Choice."
"Play chess with the dog
or scrabble with the cat."
Hmm.
I don't think you understand
how this game is played.
Oh!
I'm gonna get some scotch.
I'm gonna take a shit.
You know, Jake,
you're a good egg.
Well, that is true, sir.
You know what you should do?
Marry my daughter, have babies
and name one after me.
Ow.
Oh, boy.
Wine stain?
Yeah. Let's not go down...
This really...
That's really quite a mess.
That's quite unfortunate.
Looking for...
Oh, I could get you a shirt.
I need to borrow a...
Back, back under the
mattress where it belongs.
A thoroughly bad choice...
I don't know why...
I've...
Tabatha...
Here's your picture.
Can you...
I'm so.
That's my fault.
I'm sorry.
One, have a threesome
with a couple twice your age
or two, masturbate in front
of a room full of strangers.
We should go.
Oh, God, yes.
I don't get it.
I thought you invited me
around so we could talk.
Jake, I... Just...
I don't think...
Do you remember this?
Oh, my God.
From our first date.
Do you remember?
I saved it, obviously.
And I...
I framed it and...
Anyway...
Look at that.
I thought I was really fucked
up for the last couple of days.
Hmm, but I think I've been fucked
up for a long time, maybe.
So...
Damn.
You need to finish your walk.
Tabby, hey.
All right.
All right, all right,
guys, let's go.
Yeah.
You liked living
in Hell's Kitchen?
Yeah, the noodle place.
You remember that... Must have
taken you there a thousand times.
You sure there wasn't one
here on the Lower East side?
No, no, no.
That was a donut shop.
You're thinking
about a donut place.
Oh, East Village. Remember
that East Village place
with the weird door man?
Sounds like Roland...
Rudolph.
Rudolph.
The guy was always
giving me mix-tapes.
Oh, God!
You know, I don't
think I've ever not loved
a neighborhood in this city.
Man, I really don't wanna leave.
Then don't.
We could just go to a park.
It'll be worth it, trust me.
Okay.
You guys are gonna love this.
Oh, Goddamn it.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
That's an interesting choice.
God damn, taggers.
Ruined it.
My breasts are nice.
When did you make this?
Couple months ago.
They're turning the whole
place into a hotel.
So I kinda had
this stupid idea that
you know, that we could live
on, our legacy or something.
God.
Nothing about this day has turned
out the way I wanted it to.
Well, the day's not over.
We can salvage this, we'll go
to a bar, have a few drinks.
I kissed Tabatha.
What?
Me and Tabatha, we kissed.
What are you talking about?
You did not.
No, we did.
Fuck you, you did not.
It happened.
When?
In her old bedroom.
Not where. When.
After dinner.
Okay.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just tell me why?
I'm not mad. I just
want to know why.
Because I'm a fucking
piece of shit.
Uh-huh.
Why else?
Jake, Jake, come on, Jake.
I don't know.
Jake, let go.
You fucking know.
I don't.
Jake...
You fucking know.
You do know.
You do know!
Why did you do it?
Come on, Jake, Jake.
Come on, Jake. Jake.
Smooth, Rocks, really smooth.
It was probably
just a little drunken kiss.
Like a peck.
No.
Sure, I mean, it was a momentary lapse.
You weren't thinking.
I wish that were true.
I do. BILLY: It is.
Jake is overreacting.
And...
No, Billy, stop.
I know you, you would never...
Stop it.
It's not a big deal...
Billy, Jesus Christ,
I messed up, okay?
I'm not perfect.
What the hell is going on today?
You okay, shit head?
Do you realize that the last time
that we all hung out together
as a group was at my
birthday last year.
What do you care
if I stay or if I go.
What does it matter to you.
Come on, of course it does.
We're not...
...friends anymore.
Is it true about
the birthday thing?
Jesus.
Leave a message.
Hey, Em. It's me. I think
you're with your sister.
I'm just calling to say
that we got done early
and I just wanted to see what
you're up to, where you're at.
It's been a pretty crazy day...
I'm calling from a pay phone,
because I broke my phone
so I guess I'll just give
you a try again later. Okay.
God, please call me
back, all right?
I really, I really need
to fucking talk to you.
All right, Rocks
told me everything.
And...
This place is ridiculous.
You deserve none of this.
I'm so tired.
Hey, Larry.
Yeah.
I just wanted to call and
apologize for earlier.
You're totally right. I should
have just told the truth.
Yeah, but the thing is...
About this merger.
Honestly, I'm completely
and utterly beat
and I think I'm gonna
need tomorrow to recover.
Yeah, I understand
we've got the deadline.
I don't want to slow things down
so why don't you just take
me off the team on this
and I will go get
them next time.
Okay, thanks for understanding.
What?
Nice work.
Huh.
Emma's sister.
Weird.
Hello?
No, I haven't seen...
What? Yeah, okay.
Where is he?
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Water. No ice.
And keep it coming.
All right.
I haven't seen him
in like three hours.
I don't... How am I
supposed to know where...
Let me call you back.
What's up?
So simple.
Rocks.
I copied him.
Yeah.
Hi, Emma, Emma Bryant.
Her water broke, she
came in a few hours ago.
I'm the father.
Miss Bryant?
Yeah.
She's recovering.
She's recovering?
Don't worry, she's fine.
Your son was born
45 minutes ago.
I missed it.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
What room are they in?
Where are they? Stat.
6820, okay.
Hey.
Man, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Thanks for coming.
- Hey.
You guys wanna meet my son?
Yes.
Oh...
No, man, I wouldn't know.
Yeah, baby...
Oh, cute.
Can I try it?
I'm gonna grab some food.
Hmm.
Hey.
Harry, I got a secret for you.
You wanna know why we
call your dad Rocks?
He literally has just these,
nasty, gigantic,
Godzilla sized testicles.
So there it is.
You know, that's the kinda stuff you
learn about your college roommate.
- Most of it is...
- disgusting.
So...
All right, what else.
Not too much pain?
Hanging in.
I should've been there.
I should've been there.
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't mad.
How can you say that?
I just wasn't...
What else can I tell you guys?
Your parents will probably
tell you that you're special.
But chances are, you're not.
Unique, yeah, sure,
I can buy that.
But not special, come on.
Just because you can draw
doesn't mean you're an artist.
And there is no such
thing as a permanent record.
So have some fun
in elementary school.
Yeah, you.
Columbus didn't discover America
and the guy was
kind of an asshole.
And trust me when I tell
you, that your parents,
are only looking out
for your best interests, okay?
You know, I...
I...
So call them once in a while.
You know, believe me
on that one because...
I'm telling you.
There will be a time.
When you can't anymore.
So, you know...
I know it's a hassle.
You don't even need any excuse.
Just call and say hi.
Hey, buddy,
can we leave for a bit?
Emma is sleeping,
why, what's up.
I think we got
to do one last thing.
Thank you.
I got that.
Here, thanks.
So...
She really wasn't upset
that you weren't there?
I think we've both known
for a while now, no matter how much
we want to, we're just not in love.
Maybe we never were.
But everything is gonna
work out, right?
I think so, now, yeah.
In a way.
This is a fun story.
Tonight, at the dinner party,
I shat in the bath tub.
You did not.
Whoo-hoo!
Awesome.
Hey, I really appreciate
what you guys did for me today.
Even you, kinda.
But...
I'm still leaving.
I have to. I got to move on
I gotta...
Face the future, you know.
Good.
Good?
Good.
Good riddance.
Yes, yes.
Here it comes!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Oh my God! That's so weird.
- Oh!
Oh!
Wow. Why don't we
hang out more often?
I told you he can still do it.
I told you. All right.
Yes, you can vomit without
finger penetration.
You're a freak of nature.
Thank you. You must be
so proud of yourself.
You say that like
it's no big deal.
Oh, you must be so... That's
not easy to do by the way.
That actually burned more than
I thought it would.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.
Ah!
Here he is.
Rocks!
It's a time
warp BILLY: Yeah!
Hey, we can let go, we don't...
- How are you doing?
- Oh, God.
Look at this we're getting the
band back together. This is weird.
This is weird, but us.
Holy shit, all right!
Welcome to my final
day in New York City.
So, if you'll just
follow me, it begins.
- Here we go.
- All right.
Hey!
All right.
Yes. Yeah.
Did you burn your legs out?
Whoo! Let's go
guys! Yeah!
Hey, what'd you think about
to make yourself throw up?
Uh, the future.
Oh!
Are you gonna tell him?
Tell me what?
It sucks. Maybe
I'll just bail.
Bail? Bail on
what, Billy?
You don't think I should?
You don't think I should? Guys, what
the hell are you talking about?
You don't wanna go
to work, don't go to work.
Whoa! Work?
You're kid...
Today? You shitting me?
I have to go.
Come on. No, no, no.
Look, like, yesterday, my
partner cornered me at the...
At the firm and he said because
we have this... Not today.
It's just gonna be
like, for an hour.
All right. Ready?
Hold on. Hold on.
Three, two, one, go. Go!
Oh! Not even close.
Not even close.
Oh!
I wasn't looking.
Did you see?
I'm sorry, ladies, are you
missing a little boy?
Okay... Is this
little boy yours?
Okay.
He's not yours?
He's just following us. We
don't know whose he is.
I have to pee.
Oh, God I have to pee.
Could be a different city.
Correct. Yeah.
So, even if you're clothed when
you have an erection Exactly.
Yes.
That's out and greasy.
Okay.
Up to two is this?
All right. All right.
Time to start drinking.
Wanna make a toast.
260 blocks, the entire
length of Manhattan,
my final day in the city, so...
To one last great adventure.
Okay, just real quick.
Does it have to be last?
How about another?
Sure.
You got it.
Really? Wait a second, you
know what, how about...
It's his toast.
Let him have his toast.
Another in the long series of...
All right, fine. In a
long series of adventure.
Maybe just...
How about one?
To coming and semen.
You got it.
I like it.
I'll drink to that. To
coming and semen. Yeah.
And all the joy they provide.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh wow!
Did you hold up?
It's like, it's like giving
head to a fine gentleman.
- Give me that.
- All right.
Ah!
Careful.
Okay.
All right.
We gotta get moving, guys,
this island's not gonna walk itself.
260 blocks.
All right, now is
as good a time as any.
- A robber walks into your house.
- Oh.
That's what I'm talking about.
Robber walks into your house,
he puts a gun to your head,
says, Sophie's Choice, you gotta pick
one or I'll shoot you in the face.
All right.
Option one is...
This is just occurring to
me, but why is he a robber?
Uh, you meet the love of your life...
I mean, what's he robbing?
You of your time. This woman is perfect.
She's like.
An 11 out of 10.
All right. She got this incredible
body and the sex is great.
Intelligent. Is that
intelligent sex?
Don't worry about it,
you're never gonna have it.
I'm gonna go on. All right, so
time comes in the relationship,
about six months in...
Where it's time to
meet her family, okay?
So you all decide to go away
to a little county house,
just you and her and her folks,
for about two weeks.
But you all share one bathroom.
That's important.
All right, now
for the entire time you're there,
remember, two weeks, long time.
Every time you have
to take a shit,
you do it...
You have to take
a shit in the bathtub.
All right, okay.
Boom!
Okay, all right, wait I'll tell you
what I'd do. I would just hold it in.
You can't.
You can't hold it in.
Why not.
Firstly, it's impossible.
Secondly, it's
against the rules.
And thirdly after you leave
that dookie in the bathtub,
you have to deny it forever.
You can never say that it was you.
Wow.
Is this a museum?
Well, that ends the
relationship, so fine.
Not necessarily, I mean, remember,
this is like, the perfect woman,
so she might forgive you
Got it. Shit down the drain.
Shit down the drain.
Geez, Billy.
What? I'm just trying to understand
the parameters of the scenario.
What's option number two?
Uh, right.
Option two.
Okay, so...
For the next year,
starting tomorrow,
everywhere you go, you,
and only you are responsible
for taking two cars.
So, the logistics...
Uh, so think about it.
If you need to go to work,
then you need to drive there,
then you have to somehow get
back, walk or cab or something.
And then you have to take
another car, then you're there.
Can you...
No, you can't walk.
Can... And no you can't
take the subway.
Okay? You can't tow the car. You
can't get a ride. Nothing like that.
Okay.
Uh...
What kind of gas
mileage do these get?
What is the matter with you?
How do you clothe and
feed yourself seriously?
How are you such an asshole?
Practice.
Okay.
Yeah? All right. I,
okay option two is
take two cars and...
Option one is fortnight of
in-law bathtub shitting.
Yeah. Okay.
Not even a question.
I'm gonna go option two.
Uh.
Take the two cars...
Why is that not a question?
'Cause I can't even imagine
what Emma's parents would do.
I don't even wanna see it. Yeah.
If I was to shit
in their bathtub.
It's true and she shouldn't forgive you.
Nightmare.
No.
Shouldn't...
Where is your sense of romance?
I mean this is the love of
your life we're talking about.
Yeah but the love of your
life should leave you
if you defecate in the bathtub.
You're... Don't knock
freestyle defecation, man.
Okay, so that's
what you would do.
You're a bathtub, bathtub kinda guy?
I'm not knocking it
I just wanna be honest about it.
I'm just... I'm not You
don't have to lie about it
playing this game
I find it childish and silly.
Classic Gunderson.
Do they have museums in Ohio?
Oh fuck.
Fuck you.
You couldn't help yourself.
No, do you...
This is a dumb question.
Is that a serious question?
What museums are in Ohio?
- Uh, the...
- Excuse me.
Sorry.
We'll be quiet.
Yeah.
What is wrong with you?
Who? Which one?
Don't put your bare feet
on the bench up like that.
Come on.
She's right.
Put it down.
Sorry. Sorry.
People actually have
to sit there after you.
I got it.
Put your feet down.
I gotta put my socks on.
It's disgusting.
Okay. You've been moving around
and sitting there like
a child for 10 minutes.
You're just incredibly rude.
Okay, that's called
cognitive dissonance.
Yeah. Ding ding.
I said, excuse me.
Yeah, okay.
And I said that's what
we call cognitive dissonance.
Right, and then I put my sock on.
That's what happened.
So, we've have covered everything.
Come on, Barb.
Oh, don't drag
Barbara into this. BILLY: Yeah.
I'm gonna request that
you boys be thrown out.
No. Wait, wait, no, no, no.
- No don't do that.
- No.
Why don't we just step outside.
You me, Tweety Bird there.
Let's take you out
for a nice juicy steak.
Yeah.
We're young.
We're flirty.
We're nervous. I'm nervous
around older women.
Because I assume you're
older, I'm not sure.
We could all
just have a little fun.
So let me ride the
lightning of your love.
I would definitely get that little
canary to sit on my finger.
Come on.
Fuck you!
Oh!
Shhh!
You're in a museum.
Have some respect.
Excuse me?
You really should
get your feet off there.
Oh, dude.
For real it's disgusting.
How old are you?
She's got a great point.
Really? Okay.
Yeah.
Billy, let me ask
you a question.
Do you have a single independent
thought in that head of yours?
Why are we friends
with you again?
Yeah, why are we even
friends with you again?
Come on, you love me.
I'm an anarchist,
but I'm not a dangerous one.
I don't accept that there's
any order in the cosmos
but I do want the trains to run.
I mean, I'm just looking
at the two of you and...
You do everything he does,
like, you're just...
You're his shadow. I mean why
did you order an egg cream?
What are you intimating?
I love egg creams.
Why else would I order...
Delicious.
Yes, they are delicious. Yeah.
You love egg creams?
Then tell me,
lover of egg creams,
what's in an egg cream?
You don't have to answer that.
What?
No, he does.
What's, what's in an egg cream?
It's fine. All right, all
right I'm gonna tell you.
Okay. First of all
there is chocolate.
Cream.
Chocolate syrup.
Syrup and there are eggs in there.
Seltzer. Seltzer.
- Seltzer. Seltzer.
- And there's Seltzer.
Whole milk... Uh, there's...
You know...
You know what, there are... Who
cares what is in the egg...
I don't...
All that matters
is that they're refreshing
and delicious. Right.
Couldn't agree more.
Okay?
Look no one wants to stop
you from going and helping your dad,
but why are you staying there?
You don't know anything
about rubber and plastic.
Ach, what's there to know.
And that's not the point anyway.
The point is that it's a stable
career and that's what I need.
You know what else is stable?
Death. You should try that.
Gee whiz, thanks, buddy. That
makes me feel a whole lot better.
You're welcome.
What do you want me to do?
My dad needs me, you know.
He asked for my help
and I'm gonna help him.
If I don't go now,
he's gonna have to sell.
I guess I didn't
expect you to give up.
Billy, maybe... Who said
anything about giving up?
My work is still up
at Starving Arts.
You know, like...
I can still paint from
wherever I am, including Ohio.
You know, Tabatha
thinks it's very sweet.
Oh, so you're taking advice
from your ex-girlfriend?
Nice. A friend. A current
friend, as well.
Sure, that's a sound decision.
Jesus, man there's only so many
times I can watch my bank account
fall before zero before
I want to kill myself.
You know, I'm in my thirties...
And I'm moving into
my dad's basement!
Temporarily, I said.
Temporarily.
Yeah, that's what everyone who moves
into their dad's basement says.
Oh my God! And 30 years
later they murder someone.
Oh, I get it now.
I get it. So obvious.
Oh.
You're gonna miss me.
You know me better than that.
You are.
You're gonna miss me.
Come here. Give me a goodbye kiss.
Huh? No.
Don't touch me. You think our
facial hair is gonna stick together
Nobody, nobody likes you. like Velcro?
Baby. Baby.
Nobody likes you.
I, uh...
I don't know how
anyone can do that.
I have to meet the baby before
we name him officially.
Okay, no, I get that but...
But have you considered Billy?
Yeah, if he's a humongous pussy.
I'll name him Billy.
Ah, the gallery.
Always look like a coffee shop to me.
Hey, Cece.
Where's my stuff?
Jake.
Ty didn't call you?
Who, Ty? No. Why?
What wrong?
Let's sit.
Okay.
Uh...
McKenze was here.
What? Max McKenze?
He was so drunk.
Oh, he's in town because um...
'Cause that showing
of his, his early work.
It's going on all week
down in Soho.
They have a DJ.
And snacks.
Yeah, I know. He was um...
Totally sauced.
And he...
Well, he thought that you were
trying to copy his style.
The whole New York
nostalgia thing.
What? I tried to
explain it to him.
Hold on. Hold on.
He thought I was copying him?
He said that?
He destroyed them.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Who did? Max McKenze
destroyed my paintings?
Jake, I am so sorry.
I am like...
Wait.
- Feet are already tired.
- Yeah, I hear you.
I didn't know you got a tattoo.
Yes Billy, I have a tattoo.
Just saying for the record, I
did not know that you did that.
Great story.
Fuck me...
I saved this one
before he could slice it up.
But not, not before he...
Peed on it.
Excuse me? He what on it?
That's piss?
You're always saying how you
wanted to collaborate with...
Max MacKenze, so...
Now you have.
God, I feel so bad.
He put his paintings
up there specifically
'cause that's where
McKenze got his start.
Really?
Yeah.
We should help him.
You can't help a
dead man, as the saying goes.
That is not a saying.
Maybe not in
your limited experience.
Guys, he doesn't want
to go back to Ohio.
I mean, he invited Tabatha.
Why did he do that?
Masochism.
No, he's just looking
for a reason to stay.
I'm been shaming the guy all day.
It hasn't made a dent.
The dude is leaving.
No, we can get him to stay.
Listen, I'm gonna somehow,
I'm gonna skip this
checkup with Emma. Can you
still get out of work, Billy?
Yeah, but you told me not to skip.
I know but
my heart is changed.
No worries.
Done and done.
Okay.
Ooh, and what irrational
foolhardy thing should I do?
You two could stop
the constant bickering.
We're not constantly bickering.
Yes we are.
Okay, okay.
You know what guys,
let's uh... Let's...
Call it a day.
No.
No, no, no. It's been
great that we got to hang out,
but you're busy, we're all busy.
No, not anymore. No.
No, no, forget it.
It's been taken care of,
let's keep walking.
Got a really good idea, I think
you'll like it. Come on, now, Jake.
Yeah?
Absolutely, come on.
Let's do this.
Okay. Come on. Adventure time.
Let's gonna go down memory lane.
You're gonna love it.
All right.
It literally looks
exactly the same.
Hey man, thanks again for,
you know, letting us...
Uh, yeah, no problem, man.
You guys want
some breakfast or...
Oh, did you just wake up?
Oh, man remember those days?
Barely.
What?
I had the bed
the other way, but still...
Lotta history
in this room, Alex.
Lot of history.
You know there was a fire
here, like eight years ago.
Really?
Yeah.
No, there was
no fire. Stop...
Don't start calling
it a fire again. Okay?
Hey, no bickering, right?
He's just really
sensitive about the fire.
Takes a few minutes, but it
was like, instantaneous.
Yeah. This place is so
much smaller than I...
So was there,
like a fire or not?
I try to help. That's what I do.
I'm a hero.
You know if somebody else
like Jake had been there,
who know? The whole place would
have probably burned down.
Okay, there was no fire.
Okay? You destroyed
everything I owned.
Sorry, man. BILLY: With
a fire extinguisher.
Brings up a lot of old issues.
I almost 100%
sure there was a fire.
If there was a fire, why wasn't
anything in my room burned at all?
Because I put the fire out.
I prevented your room from burning.
You're welcome!
Not a single part of the room, Gunderson
was in the least bit charred.
Okay? And yet,
all my photographs and my books
and my, my computer, my...
Magazine collection,
my mom's prized collection
of presidential campaign buttons
dating back to Grover Garfield
were completely covered
in foam and destroyed.
It's just a little
difficult to reconcile with this fire
that you so heroically put out.
I think the important
question is,
who the hell is Grover Garfield?
Okay, I misspoke.
That's not a president.
It's not the...
Point.
Hi.
No way.
Oh, yeah. That was here
when we got here. Huh.
Thought it was
pretty fucking Gershwin.
Yeah, it's pretty Gershwin.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, I guess.
You know, I feel like doing
something really dumb.
What do you think?
Oh, I don't know you.
Uh, guys.
No, no,
I know Mr. Kim.
Larry, sorry. Yeah, yeah it's
just that, it's just flared up.
It's terrible timing and I really
wanted to come to work today.
It's just a general
kind of hurting feeling.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, no, no, no.
It's a urologist...
How much for all those?
Five?
How much for everything?
Squirrel and a hydro post.
It's got a little nut for
a football.
What, Rocks
thought it was funny.
Bee in your face.
There's a bee in your face.
I already have an appointment.
You don't have to do that.
It's in the network...
Don't wanna bother
your friend on a Saturday.
There he is.
Hey. What do you think?
Hey.
- I like it.
- Yeah?
You gonna leave it here?
Yeah.
This is kind of
a symbolic bathroom for me.
Truth be told
Tabatha and I actually...
Had sex in there.
Go on.
It was super uncomfortable.
But, you know I've actually thought about
it a lot about it since then and...
Even though it was awful, honestly awful.
Disgusting...
I think it was maybe
one of the most
enjoyable sexual
encounters of my life.
In retrospect.
It's so hard to pee
with a boner.
I'm sorry about that.
God to say it out loud,
it sounds so uh, trite.
- Sex in the bathroom?
- Yeah.
No, no it sounds all right.
I uh... I need
to tell you something.
When I saw Tabatha...
She...
At Ted and Audrey's?
Yeah, she told me
that her and...
You know,
what's-his-fuck broke up.
Sebastian?
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Are you fucking with me?
Tabatha's single now?
Currently single?
Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
And you found out this when?
On Wednesday?
And now it's Saturday.
I thought she was
coming to the walk,
she said you invited her
so I just figured you...
I wanted... Are you fucking...
You know what?
No, I glad I didn't know that.
Wednesday was...
That was bad for me.
No, it is actually good timing.
This is fucking terrible timing.
Dude, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I do not need to know this now.
Oh, come on, man
this is fucked up.
I mean what am I going
to do with this information?
In fact why didn't she tell me?
Fuck her!
I didn't mean that. That was knee-jerk.
That's not me.
She's probably
in pain. Oh God.
I should call here.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? I don't understand
what you wanted me to do.
God! Man, you know what
dick move for telling me.
Real dick move.
But I appreciate it.
That took guts. Should I
not have told you at all?
You should not
have told me at all.
No.
Okay and I apologize.
You should have told me before.
Okay, then I'm not sorry
and you're welcome.
I can't do the walk, it's...
No in fact... You can
do the walk, come on.
Ah! God!
This changes nothing.
This changes nothing.
You're right.
Right, let's go, Tabatha...
Rocks... Oh, fuck!
No and to think that...
For the last three years
she was with Sebastian.
Tristan before that.
Where are the normal names here?
She's almost literally
been with somebody
every single day since
we broke up and now that
I have a chance
to be with her, I can't
because I'm leaving and I'm
never going to see her again.
Okay, well, why don't
we focus on the walk?
I mean, where are we going next?
No, I think Jake's right.
Let's focus on things that
we have no control over.
Gunderson, will you
look at, look at him.
Okay? Look at this
little face.
Cant' we, can't you be supportive
of this face for once in your life?
I've been supportive.
Hey, who put the fire
out in your room?
Okay, for the last time
stop calling it a fire.
Then what should
I call it? A conflagration?
A holocaust?
Here we go.
Just drop it.
How dare you!
Let it go.
We lost... No.
I will not...
I will not...
We lost great aunts and... You
didn't lose anyone at all.
Well, not directly but... ROCKS:
I don't know what that means.
Indirectly, almost surely...
Okay, all right.
Fair. Fair.
Jake, I got a call from work,
and one of my teachers
got food poisoning
for like, the umpteenth time,
and I have to go in
for just an hour,
I couldn't get anyone
to cover, it's on the way.
It'll just be an hour.
You guys can come. No.
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
It's on the way.
No! Dude, not now!
Now's the worst possible time. I've
got an existential crisis afoot.
You don't mean existential.
I don't even know if I mean afoot.
What does afoot mean?
Pythagorean's theorem, you guys.
It's super cool.
You're gonna have...
Five to seven questions on it.
On the test, depending
on which one you get.
So, I wanna go over it
and make sure we all...
Did you just look at my test?
Gunderson, stop
looking at my test.
I'm not looking at your test.
I've already done number 21.
I bet you forgot about the
three quadratics, Gunderson.
I bet you forgot that you're a
college graduate and this is pointless.
It won't be
pointless when I beat you.
Yes, it will.
Hey, is he almost
done with his class?
Is that Emma?
I'm just disappointed.
I know.
I just...
I can't believe you would miss
one of the last appointments
before the baby would come.
I'm very sorry.
And to go out drinking
with your friends...
It's just such a fucking
cliche and... Okay.
Oh my God! I sound like I'm one
of those bitchy annoying girls.
Well, you have every right to me mad, okay.
You do. I'm sorry.
I absolutely shouldn't have
missed the appointment.
No, you should not have
missed the appointment.
But it was not about just drinking
with my friends, okay, it wasn't.
We are trying to get
Jake to stay.
You know if he has
a good time today,
he might actually do that,
it could go either way.
Really?
Yes.
And you know between
Billy and Gunderson,
he's our only viable
babysitting option.
Oh.
Okay. I can't
argue with that.
So listen...
At the appointment today...
Doctor Leponis and I discussed
the birth plan...
Yeah. You know, and who's gonna
be in there when
it all goes down and...
I decided that I want to keep
the participants to a minimum.
Fine. Yeah.
Okay, it'll be
just... Just us.
Cozy.
No, I...
I mean not you.
She said that it's actually
really common
for women to not want
their partners in there...
Are you kidding?
For that. I mean...
God! I don't want
you to see that.
You just decided this?
Well, Marcel, I...
You know that I've been really
stressed out about this. I'm scared.
I mean, what if you
don't want me after that?
Are you kidding me right now?
You're not one who has to
have a baby coming out...
Of your vagina, okay?
Yes, I do realize that.
I understand how
children are born.
Look, how would
you feel, if I brought
a bunch of strangers
into the bathroom to watch you
do whatever it is you do
in there for 45 minutes.
That's not something
that you want people to see.
What are you talking about?
How is me being there for the
birth of our son remotely like
you bringing in strangers
to watch me take a dump?
Okay, I get that that's not
a great analogy, now, okay.
No, it's not a great
analogy at all.
It's not even a
mediocre analogy.
I don't, I don't even
understand. Am I...
Am I the one going
into the bathroom?
Am I bringing in the strangers?
No, you're the stranger.
I didn't mean it like that.
Yeah, you did.
Oh shit!
Okay, I
don't know who any of you are...
Inside voices, please.
Is there a Renee here?
Tasha? Is that right?
All right. Kuyken...
Kuykendall? Is that you?
Wait, what's your question?
I don't know what a function is.
What is a function?
How come you
don't know the answer?
Well, I...
Guys, can you?
Look, none of this
matters in the real world.
And I don't even teach here.
Is that lady
Mr. Reznowski's wife?
No, that is his fiancee,
but they love...
So his kid's gonna be a bastard?
Yes.
What are they arguing about?
Ah, good question.
You know, actually French playwright
Jean Anouilh put it best.
Okay, my friend is having an
existential crisis, please.
He does not mean existential.
You know what,
you need to know this.
You really do. So write
his down if you have to.
Life is not gonna turn out
the way you planned it.
That's the bottom line.
Okay. And here's
another piece of advice.
Don't invest in anyone.
You probably meet a guy,
and he's gonna be great.
And you'll love him and you
give everything to him
and just when
you think it's perfect...
He's gonna take your heart,
he's gonna put it in a blender
and he's gonna press frappe.
Okay. Then he's gonna
pour it down the toilet
and if that wasn't bad enough,
you're gonna jump on into that
toilet after and try and grab it
and you're gonna come out the other
side covered in piss and shit
like Tim Robbins at the end
of Shawshank Redemption
and if you haven't
seen that movie,
then I cannot help you.
Okay? But here's
the good news.
Okay, because
at the end of all that,
the next thing you got
marked on your calendar
is a probably painful,
inevitable death.
So, all right, class dismissed.
Right, why don't
you figure this out...
Hey, Em.
Bye, guys.
Decisions. That's the
big thing right now.
We're just having all
these arguments about...
You know what color
the baby's room should be.
Yellow or cream,
things like that.
- Yellow.
- And I find myself
talking all these hard lined positions
really just to argue, I mean...
I don't care what color
the actual baby's room is,
'cause in the end
it doesn't matter.
It should be yellow.
But I hear myself arguing
that one color
will literally lead
the child becoming president and the
other one's gonna make him a murderer.
Same thing.
Yeah, it's totally irrational,
all right, I mean...
Nobody actually remembers what
color their baby room was.
Yellow.
Really?
Yeah.
Explains a lot.
It was awesome.
What are we doing here?
Is this a planned stop?
I hate cathedrals!
Ugh!
And the answer is, back in 1895,
"Construction of the cathedral"
"was halted due
to a labor dispute"
"that resulted in..."
Fuck it.
No.
Put myself to sleep with that.
I apologize...
What happened to labor dispute?
- Oh, who cares. Fuck it.
- You know.
You know what, teaching
here is one of the...
One of the great achievements
of mine in New York.
Maybe the only
great achievement.
That's not true. That's
not true, come on.
It's true! No, honestly. I think
I did about the only thing.
No, that's not true.
None of your students
have amounted to anything. So...
Yeah. Doesn't really
count as an achievement.
Gunderson, come on...
Yeah, you know,
like, great achievements.
- No.
- I mean, that's it.
No, but... What about that
show you had in New Jersey?
Yeah...
That was awesome.
It was in New Jersey but still...
You had one in Staten...
You had a thing
in Staten Island.
I mean, if it's
Staten Island, Yeah.
It's something.
It's something.
Remember, you almost
sold a painting on the subway?
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no.
The guy almost stole the
painting on the subway.
Oh. GUNDERSON:
But still, he liked it.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, people who are
really excited...
You gotta start somewhere.
That's true, I guess.
It's tough.
I don't know.
It's good.
This is actually...
Kind of makes me feel good.
I love this place.
Really, 'cause
these are garbage.
And your fridge is gonna
be filled with that.
Yeah, I hope.
How do you pretend to like that?
That's awful.
I don't have to pretend.
That's a beauty.
I mean, I... I
genuinely like this.
You're not understanding what this
kid did with space, negative space.
Uh... GUNDERSON: Now, I understand
why you like Jake's stuff.
Hey...
Is it about the money?
Does your dad need...
I mean...
Is that why you're leaving?
If it is, I'm more than happy...
I don't want your money.
I'm just saying,
I'll give you a little...
I'm not your charity case, okay?
Jacob.
I was wondering if you could
clear up something for me.
Weren't you planning on
breaking up with Emma
before you found out she was
carrying your demon seed?
I...
No, man, I... Really,
you weren't?
No, we were gonna have
a bit of a conversation
that, you know, could've
pre-empted... Good.
But...
And my son.
Right, yeah. But the fact...
But, I...
I don't... We were definitely
not gonna break up, no.
Not... Not for sure.
Hmm.
What's the latest?
Well, my partner at the firm
has actually set up
an appointment
with his urologist
friend for me today.
Right.
So I am telling him
that the rash
has spread to my legs
and I'm having trouble walking.
Ah. Oh.
Ergo, I won't be able
to go to his doctor.
Yeah.
Well...
Sounds medically dubious.
Yeah.
Hey, do you think that
the guys hate me?
Yeah.
No, seriously.
I mean, the whole lawyer
thing, the money,
it just feels different
than when we were all
unemployed and broke.
Yeah, you don't wanna
go back to that, though.
Well, I mean, do I?
Remember how much
you used to give blood?
Yeah...
It's not safe.
Yeah, but it was... It
was sort of exciting.
I guess.
I keep thinking about
what the most important thing
is for my son, what I...
What I want for him the most,
besides, obviously
wanting him to be...
Healthy, easy-going...
Yeah, sure.
I think it's just
for him to be confident
and not worrying all the time,
about what everyone else thinks.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I like that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My God...
The thing is, that I can't really talk
to my friends about it, you know.
They're good guys, but...
It's... We're not
really the kind of guys
who can, you know,
open up and...
And really, I'm sorry,
is there meant
to be, like, a booth
or a partition, or wall, or...
That's confession in a
Catholic church, Jacob.
We are Episcopalian.
Sure. Okay.
Just kind of feels weird talking
to someone I can't see.
I feel that way every
time I talk to God.
Zing.
Not really.
No. I guess not.
Well, I may as well
just dive into it, then.
I think I'm still in love
with Tabatha.
There it is.
I am.
And I also know
that my dad needs me.
That's important.
Especially now.
He's sick.
But I just... I can't
shake this feeling
that maybe leaving is
the wrong thing to do.
Let me tell you this.
God very rarely
limits us to two options.
In fact, our choices
are endless, infinite.
But it is up to us to make one.
I would love to be able
to tell you what to do.
But I'm an Episcopalian,
not a Catholic priest.
Right.
I get it. Okay.
You know what, just before I...
I'm not 100% on it.
So, when you say "infinite"
you know, there...
How many is that exactly?
It's like with Jesus.
Okay, hold on.
Accepting we all know how
that turned out for him.
You know.
No, I'm just... It's just...
I'm just saying.
It's probably not the
best example, that's all.
Go on.
I tell you what, maybe it's time
that you convert some of
that analytical energy
into kinetic energy.
Right.
Why is he taking us east?
Maybe he's
gonna go to the bathroom.
I need a cupcake.
I'm out of breath.
What the fuck is this?
It's a birthday
party for children.
Goddamn it!
Hey.
Jake!
Yeah! Hey.
Hey. Hey, Raja, Ankur.
Marty. Wait. Did you
finish your walk?
No, not yet.
We will.
I just wanted to...
Have you got a second?
Could I talk to you
for a second?
Uh, yeah.
Okay.
Of course.
Come on.
No, I'm not cheating!
I'm serious.
I cannot fucking believe this.
I haven't been... No, I
abandoned work for this
and now, Jake just diverts the
whole thing for his ex-girlfriend?
It's unconscionable!
I wanna fly! I wanna fly!
I wanna fly!
Oh! Hey, there.
Sorry, little fella,
but we're all out of pixie dust.
Oh. Oh my...
Oh, my God!
He just licked me! Yeah!
Get him! Get him!
Why did you lick me,
you little monster?
Hey! I gotcha!
Hands! Stop it!
Stop it!
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky,
go, go over there.
Over there.
Ugh! That kid is awful! Oh.
Kid is my son.
Oh! Hey, friend.
Guys.
Hey, Zeke, how you doing?
Whoa! Blast from
the past...
What are you guys doing here?
Jake came to visit Tabatha.
We're on a bit of a...
Nostalgia tour.
Seriously?
Yeah.
I thought nostalgia was supposed
to be a pleasant thing.
Right. So...
Yeah.
So you have to shit
in a bathtub?
Yeah, two weeks, and
you can't tell anyone.
You have to deny it forever.
Yeah...
You know, I forgive that.
Really?
Yeah! For the love of my life, yeah.
Yeah. Wow!
Wow.
Yeah. But that does not
give you permission
to shit in Chuck and Joyce's bathtub.
Do not do it.
- Oh, bummer.
- Yeah.
And as far as the second part...
Hey, should I stay in New York?
Do you think?
Am I doing the right thing by...
I gotta get back to the party.
Hmm.
You still got it.
Yeah.
Hey, it's okay.
It's okay.
You got a problem?
You got an issue?
Do you have a problem?
All right, I'm gonna
give it a shot.
Oh. Yeah, sure. She
doesn't like men, so...
Oh. Let's see how this works.
There you go. Yeah.
There you go.
Kids like me.
Yeah.
I don't really like them.
But what are you gonna do?
Don't ruin her life.
Ah.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Okay.
Argh! Go!
Whoo!
Terrible choice.
Gun!
It's Melanie!
Melanie Ortmeyer?
Well, Melanie Macdonald now.
I thought that was you.
Do you remember me?
You're that girl that
doesn't listen, right?
I can't believe it! So
what are you doing here?
Living a personal nightmare.
This is such a coincidence.
You know, I just
had a dream about you.
Who cares!
God! You know, I haven't seen
you since Teach for America.
Yeah. I was a fucking
disaster, right?
You don't really wanna
have this conversation.
Oh!
Do you?
You're here with Jake.
I saw him, too.
It's just like old times, huh?
Not at all.
I've got my little rugrat
running around here somewhere.
I don't give a shit.
You have stupid glasses.
You never would've have
thought I'd be a mom, right?
I thought you'd be dead by now.
I feel so old
just saying it to you...
Yeah, same to you later.
Oh. Bye!
Ahh! Why is this
happening to me?
Help!
You fucking bit me
Yeah.
Yeah. Get him.
Oh, my God!
It's a nightmare!
Yes...
Oh, God!
Get off. Get off of me!
Um...
Do you have
another second just to...
It'll be quick.
Oh. I can't.
Well, we can. We did.
So we've already
kind of, you know, done.
It's been did. So...
I... I can't...
I'm still in love with you.
So...
Yeah.
I'll you get back to the
pixie dust station.
Okay. Don't say it
unless you mean it.
Okay, then, I'm still
in love with you.
Tabatha...
Look.
My parents are having one of
their pre-show dinner parties
in, like, in an hour and a half?
Why don't you come by?
We'll talk.
Yeah. Done.
All right.
Look, I... I'm just
warning you.
I've been crying for, like,
three days, on and off.
Mostly, on.
So I don't know if this is
nostalgia or... I just...
Come at your own peril,
that's what I'm saying.
Understood.
Okay, no more talking.
We'll talk about it
on the way over.
Okay.
Great.
Oh. Can I
meet you there?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck...
How quickly... What is the
vaginal rejuvenation like?
Good question.
That I don't actually know.
Because Noreen
had a c-section.
Oh, okay.
Right, so it was fine.
Or it would've been fine
if we have had any desire
to have sex afterwards.
Do you remember boys'
breakfast every Saturday?
Yeah.
God.
The only way that a
girl would get invited
was if she'd slept with one
of us the night before.
Bunch of assholes!
Anyway, boys' breakfast
turns into couples' brunch,
which eventually
becomes birthday parties.
Completely elaborate, unnecessarily
complicated birthday parties
at which I am dressed
as a pirate.
And somebody's gotta
take you to breakfast.
I haven't had pancakes
in eight years.
I'll make you pancakes.
Shit!
What? I'm doing it now. Now.
You're doing it now?
Dad!
Yes, I... I'm getting
the dessert.
What do you mean, what
have I been doing?
I'm... I've been
playing with children!
Now!
Ricky, not now.
Ricky, that's enough. Now!
Before the party
that I organized...
Dad!
I planned this!
Oh. Okay.
Guys, I need to tell you something.
Oh, look who it is!
Jake, it's my partner.
You know the guy
I've been lying to all day
so that we could go out
and have an adventure,
that guy, remember that?
Yeah, I do.
Unconscionable.
Yeah, I know, I got the files.
You know what, I'm actually
on my way to the
doctor's right now.
He's gotta go. Fuck you! Oh.
Gunderson, what the fuck!
- What the fuck!
- "What the fuck!"
This... No, this is not a joke, okay?
This is my job.
Oh, it's not a joke? No.
Is this a fucking joke, "This
is a Tattoo?" All right, guys.
You know what,
I told you before that
- I didn't know that you got a tattoo.
- Okay.
Oh, you didn't
know I got a tattoo. Guys.
That is correct. For one
second, if I could just...
And anyway mine
is completely different.
Rocks.
What? Just leave me out.
What... Rocks!
Yeah, fine.
He knew.
Rocks!
When he found out about your
"This is not a Tattoo" tattoo,
he decided it'd be ironic
if he got a "This is
a Tattoo" tattoo.
It doesn't matter.
Who cares?
That's not ironic, you imbecile.
Yeah, it is!
No, it's not!
You have a tattoo
that says it's a tattoo.
That's the exact opposite
of what "ironic" means!
Yeah, but that
is the ironic part.
No, it's not. Yes, that's
what I was going for.
You're a fucking idiot.
Fucking stop it, okay?
Gunderson, you are a
shit-face, you know that?
You're an inconsiderate
shit pile!
All right.
You know what?
You know what?
I wish that I let your stuff
burn up in that room.
You fucking...
Ow!
Cut it out, guys.
You son of a...
So civil.
What are you doing?
Stop. Enough. Billy!
Leave him alone! Get off of him!
I will pummel you!
All right. Fine! It was me!
All right, it was me!
I did it.
Not Gunderson, me.
It was me!
Stop it!
It wasn't Gunderson!
I ruined your stuff!
All right?
I destroyed your
stuff, all right? I'm sorry.
It's true. It wasn't me.
I was hammered.
I mean...
I was shit-faced and I
thought it'd be funny.
I had no idea
that the foam
in those extinguishers
cause so much damage.
I thought they were...
What?
Gunderson wasn't even with me.
You just immediately
assumed it was him.
I got to say,
I admired your work
and was happy
to take credit for it.
I can't believe you took
the blame this whole time.
It was dick thing to do, Billy.
I should've told you sooner
and I will totally pay
you back for everything
that was damaged, with interest.
Wow, feels good.
That actually feels good.
It's a relief.
Dragging that
around for so long.
It's good. It's nice...
Nice feeling.
There's one other thing
I need to tell you.
About the walk.
And Tabatha
Guys, no offense,
but, you're
not invited, all right?
I need to do this on my own.
Damn it, that's broken.
Let the record show
that I'm no longer in this
to keep Jake in New York.
Excuse me? You're trying
to keep me in New York?
Well, it was. Now, I
just wanna make sure
that you and Tabatha
never get back together.
Are you fucking with me?
You're trying to break
Tabatha and me up?
You guys aren't together now.
Not current... You know what
I mean, for crying out loud.
You guys are awful together.
You're worse
than Heathcliff and Cathy.
I was always more of a
Garfield man myself.
I'm just looking out for you.
You don't need to look out.
I can look after my...
You know what,
I had the stupid idea
that maybe you'd be
happy for me. God, stupid.
I was happy for you, Jake,
when I thought we're gonna
be out adventuring.
All right. Why don't we just
meet up with each other
in a couple of hours and
grab a drink then, huh?
How's that sound? Rocks,
drinks in a couple of hours?
No? He's drunk.
What's your big plan anyway?
Aren't you leaving tomorrow?
Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we'll
do a long-distance thing.
Maybe I won't
leave, I don't know.
Really? Seriously?
It's possible.
I don't know, Billy!
I just know that
I've never been happier
than I was when I was with her.
That is not true, all right?
Life sucked back then
and it sucks now.
Deal with it.
You know what, I didn't want
to have to do this, but you...
You leave me
no choice. All right?
Oh, come on!
I'm on your tail! Fuck's sake!
Guys, guys, guys!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Okay, okay, fine.
You can come,
but for fuck's sake,
just please, please,
behave yourselves.
Who you're talking to?
Of course, we will.
Yeah.
And we're gonna
need to bring wine.
And you're paying.
Okay. Well, we are
near my office.
There's a place a
couple of blocks down
that we've got
an expense account.
Great.
I need a cupcake.
Just real quick.
The... I know the fire
extinguisher debacle was Jake,
but I'm still gonna blame you.
Impressive, and I accept.
- Come on, Jake, just one.
- No.
- Please! Jake.
- No.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake,
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.
Real quick.
Ugh...
Fine. All right. A robber
walks into your house,
puts a gun to your head,
he says Sophie's Choice.
Option one is
you have to gain and lose
30 pounds every month
for the rest of your life, or...
Oh.
Or option two,
you could stop making him
play this stupid game.
Gunderson, will you just
shut the fuck up? Billy?
Mr. Kim.
Larry, please.
How are you feeling?
Not good.
I am coughing up blood.
Oh, dear, really?
No. No.
I don't know
why I just said that.
I see.
Yeah. No, I just...
I just... You know.
I thought I'd pick up a wine
on my way to the doctor.
It's not exactly on the way.
No, it is not.
That's true.
And my friends are here, too.
We're not his friends.
You know, I just wanted to...
Wanted to pick up a bottle,
little something
to wet the palette.
It's just a little parched.
Next time,
you wanna spend the day
horsing around
with your friends...
Oh, Mr. Kim, that's...
I get it.
I do. Just...
Next time tell me the truth.
Okay?
Nailed it.
Congratulations, you got
away with it.
What the hell, I mean, was that?
I mean, is he serious?
He seems perfect.
Hey, where is Jake?
Bumblebees.
Surprise!
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.
What are you doing
here? Please, no.
For me? Thank you.
Hi. GUNDERSON:
These are for you.
Hey! Oh! Hey, good to see you.
Hey.
Tab, hey, hey.
Thank you. What?
Here's the answer.
You sleep with Helen Keller
because of the heightened
sense of touch.
You should kill Amelia Earhart
because there would
finally be a body. Oh.
And there would be closure.
Ah, that's a sweet story.
There'd be closure.
And then, you're gonna
marry no one, actually.
Because that one
was a trick question.
Because how do you know
someone well enough
to marry them? You don't.
Oh, yeah. I'd probably
sleep with all of them.
And then, maybe one
would die accidentally.
Thus solving two thirds of the problem.
- Oh, very nice.
- No, very daft.
Classy, Dad, classy.
But, wait, wait, wait.
Tell... Now, tell me.
It's how long, this walk?
The walk is 260 blocks.
Oh.
It's about 15 miles.
Oh, that's marvelous!
I'm envious.
You guys are on a walkabout?
It's just four guys
getting...
I wouldn't call it a...
It doesn't
have to be a walkabout.
No, I mean that in a good way.
I don't mean
to devalue... Look.
I'll plead my case for you.
Um...
Throughout time,
throughout history,
there has been...
Before man began...
Yes.
Right, okay.
Take it way back, to the beginning.
Um...
There's always been
something to signify
the mechanism of men going
from childhood to adulthood.
There's always been something.
There's been a trek, a hunt,
a whore, whatever it is,
there is this...
Or all three.
There we go, or... Now,
there's nothing. Right.
There's whores.
There's nothing.
What in this culture
signifies that
for men?
See, Billy, that's why
you're still a child.
You don't have that mechanism
that will make you
into an adult.
I had a Bar Mitzvah.
Bar mitzvah.
Okay. And for women
it's just, you know, it's...
There is, like,
an internal clock
there's something very
different for women.
It's biological.
I don't think that
not knowing how to grow up
or having difficulty with that.
Is that new
a concept, necessarily.
No, no. Also, I would...
Also I think that
saying that women mature better
than men is...
Whoa! I did not
say that.
- I was not saying...
- If I may,
perhaps the idea that we
ever grow up is flawed.
Adults, children,
children, adults.
We are all both, at once!
Mmm-hmm.
I would say, it feels good
to think otherwise.
But, just because you feel good,
does not make it so.
Huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Dan, your wisdom never ceases
to amaze, yet confuse me.
Hear, hear.
The more you drink, the smarter I get.
You know what?
I have a game.
I think everybody is
going to love this game.
I can't take credit
for this game.
It's not my game.
It's actually Jake's game!
Jake's game!
Jake came up with this.
This is all Jake.
A robber bursts into your home,
puts a gun to your head,
and says, "You have two options",
Hey, hey. Come on man, no.
"or I kill you."
Option number one.
You leave the city that you have
called your home for so long.
You have to leave it.
You can never return.
Or option two.
You can stay in
that city you love
but you have to stay in
a loveless relationship.
Someone who your friends,
everyone in your life,
knows this person
is bad for you.
Trying to shape you and mold you
into something that you are not.
So her only goal...
So sorry guys.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
That was on me.
That was on me.
There's a bathroom upstairs.
Are you serious?
I was just, I'm looking for
the bathroom, and your room
snuck up on me.
The panty drawer's in there.
The panty drawer?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
What I was trying to
say to you before
just so you understand,
is it's not that women
necessarily grow up
better than men.
It's just that, their path
to adulthood is... Different.
I don't give a shit and
I was just being contrary.
Hmm.
So this is the room then, huh?
This is.
This is my childhood bedroom.
It is exactly the way I left it.
That's nice.
Mine's pretty much the same.
It's got a treadmill in it now.
Yeah.
I don't want to freak you out, but there's
six enormous faces looking at us.
Who are they?
What's their story?
- You know what?
- They seem...
I have...
A story for you.
Just doesn't make sense.
I mean, I lied repeatedly and
then directly to Mr. Kim's face,
and then, nothing.
It's funny. I don't remember inquiring
about you, in any kind of way.
It's just unsettling.
That's, that's the word
that I would use.
Fine, I'll bite.
Billy, you got away with it.
What's the big deal?
It's just that
the universe has an order.
Your transgressions
must be punished.
Without that order,
there's... Chaos.
You really are a
simple, simple boy.
Have you seen her?
Huh?
- Tabatha. Have you seen her?
- No.
Asshole. You don't care.
Neither of you care.
What are you even doing here? I asked
you not to... I begged you not to come.
You. You! That stunt you
pulled at dinner, come on man.
I'm going through an
existential crisis here.
You can't go... Whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
You are not going through
an existential crisis.
An existential crisis means that your whole
existence is being called into question.
What you're dealing with,
are transitional issues.
Is that really what
existential means?
Yes.
Oh.
You don't have to yell at me.
I didn't yell at you.
That was yelling.
So for my birthday, my
dad bought me Mmm-hmm.
A Holga camera.
It was my first camera ever.
And, this photograph was taken
the first time that I ever
heard my parents having sex.
Okay.
I heard all these sounds and...
I knew it was significant
so I ran back and I got my
camera and I got a tripod.
And I stood outside and I
faced away from the door.
And I looked
and I took the picture.
What a weirdo. What a weirdo.
I know.
I know, right.
And you would
not, not frame that
and put it on your wall
because...
It's a keeper, and you
put it up on your wall.
I didn't frame it.
Well, it's in a frame.
I know, they framed it.
They framed it.
They framed it.
Yeah.
So sick.
And did you tell them
honestly what it is.
Do they know what they framed?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know, either.
God! I'm worried
about her.
Maybe she's got diarrhea.
You know, sometimes when she
drinks too much coffee,
her stomach can get a little...
How about this one?
A robber shoots you in the head.
Says, "Sophie's Choice."
"Play chess with the dog
or scrabble with the cat."
Hmm.
I don't think you understand
how this game is played.
Oh!
I'm gonna get some scotch.
I'm gonna take a shit.
You know, Jake,
you're a good egg.
Well, that is true, sir.
You know what you should do?
Marry my daughter, have babies
and name one after me.
Ow.
Oh, boy.
Wine stain?
Yeah. Let's not go down...
This really...
That's really quite a mess.
That's quite unfortunate.
Looking for...
Oh, I could get you a shirt.
I need to borrow a...
Back, back under the
mattress where it belongs.
A thoroughly bad choice...
I don't know why...
I've...
Tabatha...
Here's your picture.
Can you...
I'm so.
That's my fault.
I'm sorry.
One, have a threesome
with a couple twice your age
or two, masturbate in front
of a room full of strangers.
We should go.
Oh, God, yes.
I don't get it.
I thought you invited me
around so we could talk.
Jake, I... Just...
I don't think...
Do you remember this?
Oh, my God.
From our first date.
Do you remember?
I saved it, obviously.
And I...
I framed it and...
Anyway...
Look at that.
I thought I was really fucked
up for the last couple of days.
Hmm, but I think I've been fucked
up for a long time, maybe.
So...
Damn.
You need to finish your walk.
Tabby, hey.
All right.
All right, all right,
guys, let's go.
Yeah.
You liked living
in Hell's Kitchen?
Yeah, the noodle place.
You remember that... Must have
taken you there a thousand times.
You sure there wasn't one
here on the Lower East side?
No, no, no.
That was a donut shop.
You're thinking
about a donut place.
Oh, East Village. Remember
that East Village place
with the weird door man?
Sounds like Roland...
Rudolph.
Rudolph.
The guy was always
giving me mix-tapes.
Oh, God!
You know, I don't
think I've ever not loved
a neighborhood in this city.
Man, I really don't wanna leave.
Then don't.
We could just go to a park.
It'll be worth it, trust me.
Okay.
You guys are gonna love this.
Oh, Goddamn it.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
That's an interesting choice.
God damn, taggers.
Ruined it.
My breasts are nice.
When did you make this?
Couple months ago.
They're turning the whole
place into a hotel.
So I kinda had
this stupid idea that
you know, that we could live
on, our legacy or something.
God.
Nothing about this day has turned
out the way I wanted it to.
Well, the day's not over.
We can salvage this, we'll go
to a bar, have a few drinks.
I kissed Tabatha.
What?
Me and Tabatha, we kissed.
What are you talking about?
You did not.
No, we did.
Fuck you, you did not.
It happened.
When?
In her old bedroom.
Not where. When.
After dinner.
Okay.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just tell me why?
I'm not mad. I just
want to know why.
Because I'm a fucking
piece of shit.
Uh-huh.
Why else?
Jake, Jake, come on, Jake.
I don't know.
Jake, let go.
You fucking know.
I don't.
Jake...
You fucking know.
You do know.
You do know!
Why did you do it?
Come on, Jake, Jake.
Come on, Jake. Jake.
Smooth, Rocks, really smooth.
It was probably
just a little drunken kiss.
Like a peck.
No.
Sure, I mean, it was a momentary lapse.
You weren't thinking.
I wish that were true.
I do. BILLY: It is.
Jake is overreacting.
And...
No, Billy, stop.
I know you, you would never...
Stop it.
It's not a big deal...
Billy, Jesus Christ,
I messed up, okay?
I'm not perfect.
What the hell is going on today?
You okay, shit head?
Do you realize that the last time
that we all hung out together
as a group was at my
birthday last year.
What do you care
if I stay or if I go.
What does it matter to you.
Come on, of course it does.
We're not...
...friends anymore.
Is it true about
the birthday thing?
Jesus.
Leave a message.
Hey, Em. It's me. I think
you're with your sister.
I'm just calling to say
that we got done early
and I just wanted to see what
you're up to, where you're at.
It's been a pretty crazy day...
I'm calling from a pay phone,
because I broke my phone
so I guess I'll just give
you a try again later. Okay.
God, please call me
back, all right?
I really, I really need
to fucking talk to you.
All right, Rocks
told me everything.
And...
This place is ridiculous.
You deserve none of this.
I'm so tired.
Hey, Larry.
Yeah.
I just wanted to call and
apologize for earlier.
You're totally right. I should
have just told the truth.
Yeah, but the thing is...
About this merger.
Honestly, I'm completely
and utterly beat
and I think I'm gonna
need tomorrow to recover.
Yeah, I understand
we've got the deadline.
I don't want to slow things down
so why don't you just take
me off the team on this
and I will go get
them next time.
Okay, thanks for understanding.
What?
Nice work.
Huh.
Emma's sister.
Weird.
Hello?
No, I haven't seen...
What? Yeah, okay.
Where is he?
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Water. No ice.
And keep it coming.
All right.
I haven't seen him
in like three hours.
I don't... How am I
supposed to know where...
Let me call you back.
What's up?
So simple.
Rocks.
I copied him.
Yeah.
Hi, Emma, Emma Bryant.
Her water broke, she
came in a few hours ago.
I'm the father.
Miss Bryant?
Yeah.
She's recovering.
She's recovering?
Don't worry, she's fine.
Your son was born
45 minutes ago.
I missed it.
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
What room are they in?
Where are they? Stat.
6820, okay.
Hey.
Man, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Thanks for coming.
- Hey.
You guys wanna meet my son?
Yes.
Oh...
No, man, I wouldn't know.
Yeah, baby...
Oh, cute.
Can I try it?
I'm gonna grab some food.
Hmm.
Hey.
Harry, I got a secret for you.
You wanna know why we
call your dad Rocks?
He literally has just these,
nasty, gigantic,
Godzilla sized testicles.
So there it is.
You know, that's the kinda stuff you
learn about your college roommate.
- Most of it is...
- disgusting.
So...
All right, what else.
Not too much pain?
Hanging in.
I should've been there.
I should've been there.
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't mad.
How can you say that?
I just wasn't...
What else can I tell you guys?
Your parents will probably
tell you that you're special.
But chances are, you're not.
Unique, yeah, sure,
I can buy that.
But not special, come on.
Just because you can draw
doesn't mean you're an artist.
And there is no such
thing as a permanent record.
So have some fun
in elementary school.
Yeah, you.
Columbus didn't discover America
and the guy was
kind of an asshole.
And trust me when I tell
you, that your parents,
are only looking out
for your best interests, okay?
You know, I...
I...
So call them once in a while.
You know, believe me
on that one because...
I'm telling you.
There will be a time.
When you can't anymore.
So, you know...
I know it's a hassle.
You don't even need any excuse.
Just call and say hi.
Hey, buddy,
can we leave for a bit?
Emma is sleeping,
why, what's up.
I think we got
to do one last thing.
Thank you.
I got that.
Here, thanks.
So...
She really wasn't upset
that you weren't there?
I think we've both known
for a while now, no matter how much
we want to, we're just not in love.
Maybe we never were.
But everything is gonna
work out, right?
I think so, now, yeah.
In a way.
This is a fun story.
Tonight, at the dinner party,
I shat in the bath tub.
You did not.
Whoo-hoo!
Awesome.
Hey, I really appreciate
what you guys did for me today.
Even you, kinda.
But...
I'm still leaving.
I have to. I got to move on
I gotta...
Face the future, you know.
Good.
Good?
Good.
Good riddance.