Hamlet 2 (2008) Movie Script
To act is to live.
Are you tired? Overweight?
Lacking energy?
Do you wish you could look
and feel young again? You can!
By unlocking the power of natural juice
with Jack La Lanne's Power Juicer.
We juiced with this other juicer,
and look how much work it takes,
feeding the small chute.
To act is to breathe the poet's breath.
It is to embody the dreams of man.
To live as an actor is to live a dream.
I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.
But you'd never know it.
Thanks, Herpecol.
But dreams are ephemeral,
and sometimes impossible.
So we must ask,
where do dreams go to die?
Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?
Hey, well, why don't I take you out
to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?
Give me your number.
You want my number?
Which number do you want, George?
You see, right there. I like
the way you say "George."
For instance, ten. That's how
many months old my baby girl is.
You got a baby girl?
Sexy, huh?
How about six?
That's how old my other daughter is.
Eight is the age of my son.
Two is how many times I've
been married and divorced.
Sixteen is the number of
dollars in my bank account.
And I'm guessing zero is the number
of times you're gonna call me.
Hey, the reviews are in.
Read them quickly.
It minimizes the pain.
"Are Dana Marschz's
bi-yearly stagings of
"popular Hollywood
films an ironic gesture,
"or is he just profoundly confused?
"To be fair,
"this year's Erin Brockovich
accomplishes something quite astonishing."
"It manages to make
last year's production
"of Mississippi Burning look
sparkling by comparison."
What about the acting?
"It is perhaps best not
to mention the acting.
"In the theater, actors endeavor
to simulate human emotion.
"Rand Posin and Epiphany
Sellars flap their lips
"and wave their arms like
malfunctioning wind-up toys..."
That's enough!
Every trimester we
get fisted by this guy!
What's "fisted"?
What?
I have so much anger.
I feel like I've been raped.
In the face!
What do I need to do to please you?
Is that the purpose of your plays?
To please me?
I put a lot of myself into my work.
Would it kill you to say something
nice about it once in a while?
Have you ever considered doing a play
that wasn't originally a popular movie?
No. Why?
Do you think I should be
writing more of my own material?
That wasn't what I had in
mind, but, sure, why not?
You know, there's so much I
want to say through my work
that sometimes it overwhelms me.
I gotta go clean the hamster cages.
Are you going to be all right?
Yes, I'm great.
Okay.
Yeah, you take care.
Thanks for the truth
sandwich, my little brother.
Morning, Gary.
Morning, Dana.
Top of the morning to you.
It's a really kickass sunny
day outside today, man.
Great observation there, Gary.
We live in Tucson.
Can I talk to you, please, privately?
Sure, squishy.
Excuse us.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I'm a little
groggy. I was up late.
I'm working on an original play.
It's about my childhood.
Anyway, I know we're broke
and that we needed a roommate,
but I swear to God, I can't
live like this anymore.
I'm gonna go back to
dealing pot, I swear...
No, no, I will not
have you pushing drugs.
I was a dealer, not a pusher.
It's just until I,
you know, get an agent
and start doing commercials again.
Also known as never.
You keep me honest,
I adore you for that.
Well...
It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.
That's helped out a lot around here.
Gary has a car.
Maybe I can get him
to run me over with it.
Oh, you.
What did I do so right
to get you in my life?
Hey, Max. Hey.
Okay, I... Okay, I get it.
Hey, gang, what's up?
Mr. Marschz, have you
seen our new class yet?
No. Why?
Let's just say, it's new and different.
Well, Rand, "new" and "different"
are two of my favorite words.
In my prayer circle, I've been praying
for more racial understanding,
but I still get anxious around ethnics.
Okay, please turn down the music.
Not off, just down.
Okay, we've got ourselves a full house!
Scary!
Normally, I only have the two students.
Let's go around and find out
why drama is suddenly so popular.
You?
Yolanda doesn't talk.
But you know the only reason
that we're here, right,
is because there's asbestos
in the portable classrooms,
and because we live on
the poor side of town
and there isn't any money,
they just decided to cancel
everything that we care about.
You know, like computers and ceramics
and shop and arts and crafts, and
drama was the only elective left.
Did anyone pick drama as a first choice?
That's fine.
Better never than late.
Okay, as a point of departure,
has anyone seen the movie
Dead Poets Society,
starring... What's your name?
the always-superb Robin
Williams? I'm Octavio.
Well, it's very good.
I was, for one week,
Mr. Williams' stand-in on
the fantastic motion picture
Patch Adams,
when I lived in Hollywood. Hey, come on.
Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.
He once gave me a ride to my bus stop.
I couldn't be happier
for all his success.
Nice guys do finish first.
So what's... Hey, what's your name?
Heywood.
Heywood...
Heywood Jablomey.
Right.
Perhaps some of you have seen
the movie Mr. Holland's Opus?
Starring, I know...
Starring Richard Dreyfuss as a
music teacher with a deaf son.
He can't hear his music. Imagine that?
Very sad.
Also stars Glenne Headley.
Wildly underrated.
Check these out. They're all
inspirational...
Teacher.
...teacher movies.
What could I do
to inspire...
Hey, you fucking bastards!
Just kidding. Hope I'm
not freaking you out.
Wait, I hope I am freaking you out!
Is this guy for real?
Okay, let's start with an exercise.
Rand, get up here.
Okay, Rand. Be an animal.
Hey, check this out.
Yeah, this is one of the most basic
skills a drama student can acquire.
That's beautiful, Rand.
Feline good.
Anyone tell what kind of animal Rand is?
He's a pussy.
Okay.
Okay. So, Heywood.
What?
What kind of creature would you be?
I could be a flaming ass crack.
Oh, wait, you're already doing that.
You know, I'd like to see your Bottom.
Like to see my what?
I'd like to see your Bottom.
I mean, your portrayal of Bottom
in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
A Midsummer Night's Dream.
It's written by a buddy of
mine, you may have heard of him,
William Shakespeare.
Yeah, he liked to goof around,
but most of the time he was serious.
Because he, like I, believed
that theater has the power,
not only to transform the actor,
but also the audience.
Do you believe that?
Sounds kind of cuckoo-bananas.
But I believe that.
I believe that with
every fiber of my being.
If I kick this trash can...
Oh, my God! Yolanda!
Oh, my God!
Okay, she's still conscious
and she's not bleeding.
Man, you need to be careful.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, I've learned a lesson here,
but I hope you all have, too.
About the vitality of shared experience.
We will all remember this
moment for the rest of our lives.
It was dramatic. It was visual.
It was stupid.
It was stupid, but it was also theater.
Okay, I'd like to borrow
your cell. Call 911.
Yolanda?
Yolanda?
It's free. Wake up.
Hey.
We started without you.
Apologies.
I had to spend some
time with the lawyers
for the school district and paramedics.
Now, it's all going to work out.
There's no brain damage.
No charges will be pressed.
I think I need a
quesadilla. Immediamente!
Nothing you are saying
makes any sense to me.
Turns out my class is fourteen
times as crowded as it normally is.
I've got a real tough nut to crack.
A Mexican boy, lives by his wits.
I'm going to inspire this year.
I mean, make a real difference.
I feel, for the first time, I
can make a genuine difference.
Oh, God! I am getting hammered!
Careful, Brie. You know how you get.
No, Dana. How do I get?
Please, tell me how I get.
Hmm?
No, I see. I got you. I totally got you.
Okay, she got me.
You guys laugh so much.
Another gem of an insight from Gary.
Our boarder, Gary.
Hey, don't forget. We have
an A-P-P-O-l-N-T-M-E-N- at the sperm doctor on Wednesday.
I don't like airing
our personal business
in front of
you-know-who, Gary,
but if you're shooting
blanks, I swear to God,
I'm going to stab you
to death in your sleep.
But, seriously, you gotta
let your balls breathe, okay?
It's in that pamphlet I read.
It's... And the corduroy has got
to go, especially with the skating.
It's like...
We live in Tucson, for fuck's sake.
You're broiling our little tadpoles
in that crotch of yours. What?
Can I get a virgin strawberry, please?
Seven years sober.
Awesome.
I seriously, seriously wish
you would start drinking again.
Brie, I would never judge you.
Good, because if I had to give up booze,
I'd blow my brains out
living in this shit-sack city.
Anyway, to Dana.
My husband. What the
fuck was I thinking?
I'm just kidding.
I don't have a drink.
Did you do something
different with your hair today?
Look, I have a life plan,
and it does not include you.
Well, if you don't
spend no time with me,
how are you supposed to
get to know me, sunshine?
That's the whole point.
I don't want to spend time with you.
So pretty!
It's from Ethiopia.
I re-watched a fantastic
movie last night,
Dangerous Minds,
starring the gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer.
It gave me a little insight into
your character, Mr. Tough Guy.
Okay, stand up.
Why?
We're going to karate.
No, man. I don't think so.
Come on.
Nice freeball.
Now, punch me.
I'm not punching a guy in a dress.
It's a kaftan, my friend.
Keeps my balls at room temp. Now, do it.
Don't make me do this.
Do it.
Do it!
You all right?
Mr. M? Oh, my God!
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Mr. M, are you okay?
Breathe!
I wasn't ready.
Mr. Marx, could I have a minute?
Sure! Sure, sure.
What's the matter with you?
Trying to inspire a troubled student.
Look, I thought you should
know as soon as possible.
Last night, the school board, which
is facing major financial cuts,
decided to cancel drama.
Cancel how?
Completely. Forever.
You can stay till the end of
the term and after that, get out.
You can't have a school
without a drama department.
Sure, you can.
This is obviously a practical joke.
Look, the county and the school
district are in fiscal crisis.
All the arts programs
are on the chopping block.
And let's face it, we're not
producing any Oscar-winners here.
Tony.
What?
That would be Tony-winners.
It's the award for theater.
Listen up, guy. I've seen your plays.
This is no great loss.
Well, you're a dirty, violent beaner!
You shouldn't have hit him like that!
Shut up, you cow. It wasn't my fault.
He made me hit him.
That, to you...
You are racist, okay?
And a terrible person! Oh, really?
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Mr. Marschz? Are you okay?
No, Rand! I'm not okay!
Can you tell me how
a little boy
from a dairy farm in Manitoba,
who dreams of acting but
can't do it very well,
and could never get a decent agent,
so he moves on, decides to teach,
to pass on his love of the craft...
Can you tell me how
he deals with all the
God-awful crap that's
handed out to him without
wrapping his lips around a.45
and just blowing his brains out?
Don't do it!
Is he acting?
No, he's not that good.
Mr. Marschz!
Dana Marschz's wavering consciousness
led him to believe that
he was leaving this Earth
and all its trials.
But the fates had long ago deigned
that his life's work
was only just begun.
Where the fark have you been?
Staring into the abyss of nothingness.
Drama has been cancelled.
Finally! Now you can go
back to your job at Rite Aid
and start making some real money.
Oh, Dana, I found a great
parking spot right out front
and there was still time on the meter.
They should just ship
you on over to the Gulf,
you know, let you talk to people.
All the terrorists would
just kill themselves.
Well, I, for one, am very
appreciative that Gary drove you here.
Why did you bring that thing?
I don't know. I thought maybe I
could work through my grief in song.
Maybe it's better that I just...
I can't get pregnant.
I think we shouldn't
pass on this gene pool.
This is for you, baby.
Am I shooting blanks?
Are my testicles an empty tank?
Is it all a ruse when I go kergluge?
Why?
I want to
Splash you with my
hot-buttered love spackle
So put your lips around
this wedding tackle
It's nuclear war!
Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a
copy of your insurance card.
Can you get the... Thanks.
I'm sorry about my husband.
He's not right in the head.
It's okay. It's Marschz, by the way.
Marschz? Yeah.
Marschz.
Marschz?
Marschz.
Marschz?
Marschz.
Marschz.
I don't care.
Excuse me, I'm sorry to be so forward,
but you look a lot like my favorite
actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.
Yeah. I am her.
But you really look like her.
Well, that's because I am her.
Oh, my God! I knew it in my heart-soul.
Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!
I'm freaking out.
You, you were wonderful
in Leaving Las Vegas...
Oh, thank you.
...and so fabulously funny
in Adventures in Babysitting,
not forgetting Cocktail with Tom Cruise.
What is he like? He seems totally great.
What are you doing in Tucson?
Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!
I'm actually a nurse now.
I just, you know, got kind of
sick of the business, you know?
Sick of all the horrible people,
and it's all about being
a fucking celebrity now.
Anyway, there's a real
shortage of nurses out there,
and I like taking care of people.
Oh, my God! I didn't hear
anything you just said
because I'm too excited.
Would you come and speak
with my drama class?
They would just lose their minds.
No. They wouldn't even
know who I am, anyway.
They would.
All right. I'll come.
But, I'm gonna talk about all the
insecurity and the self-Ioathing,
the rejection...
Perfect!
So, what's Nick Cage really like?
I mean, were you just
paralyzed with awe?
I have to go back to work.
Elisabeth Shue.
I feel so connected to you. Yes, I do.
And I thank you for
giving me back my smile.
You're welcome.
Shoo! Shoo, Shue!
Oh, God!
Doctor! Oh, my God!
Okay, gang.
This is the amount
we need to save drama.
6K, a.k.a. $6,000. How do we get it?
Piff? Bake sale.
Not enough dough, pun intended.
Yo. We could knock over a 7-Eleven.
Nice thought,
but 7-Elevens are not as
vulnerable as they used to be.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
I've got a little something-something.
Let's hear it.
Toasters. Man, you know,
we just move that skeet.
You know, 10 grands.
Hell, we could do that.
Hey, dumbass!
"Toaster" is street for "gun."
"Toaster" is street for "gun"?
What a colorful expression!
There he goes! The little kangaroo rat!
Hey, Noah Sapperstein.
Oh, hi!
Happy? Huh?
Happy you finally
succeeded in taking me down?
No. I think it's
terrible what's happened
to arts education in this country.
I don't know what to do.
Everything is out of control.
You want to save drama, but you've
produced nothing worth saving.
You know, it's like...
It's like my father got reincarnated
into the body of a freaking
little drama critic.
Look, all I'm saying is,
you need to inspire everyone
to come to your rescue.
You know, I was thinking of working
on a musical version of The Lake House,
you know the wonderful Sandra
Bullock, Keanu Reeves...
Play with space and time.
No? No.
There is one other thing.
It's a piece I've been working on.
I have the first act and reams
of notes in my inspiration box.
It's called Hamlet 2.
A sequel to Hamlet by Shakespeare?
Yes. Yes. Do you think it's a bad idea?
Not necessarily, no.
Sometimes an idea could be so
bad, it starts to turn good again.
But... And so, what about
funding for drama next trimester?
Forget about the money right now.
Put on a play, and make it
the best you've ever done.
Use that as a way of drawing
attention to the funding issue.
What if it sucks?
Isn't that a question every
artist must ask himself?
Yes! I am an artist, aren't I?
Thank you. You've given me the
kick in the pants I needed, kid.
Okay, well, I need to go to recess now.
You're very busy. I understand.
Oh, my God! Writing is so hard.
What is your fucking problem, man?
Huh?
Dana? Dana? Hey, I need some money.
Hey, it's done.
What is? My original work
that's gonna save drama.
The thing I've been working on
for the last 47 billion hours.
Oh, is that what you were doing?
I thought you were just
having a nervous meltdown.
You're not far off, ladypants.
Any creative person will tell you,
you gotta go a little crazy
to make great fucking art.
Hamlet 2?
The deuce. Correct.
Doesn't everybody die at
the end of the first one?
I have a device.
"The time machine door opens..."
That's the device.
"...revealing Hamlet,
Gertrude, Polonius,
"and Hillary Clinton having
what appears to be group sex."
It's about my troubled
relationship with my father.
But, you're doing this at
school with the kids, right?
That's the plan, Stan.
What do you think?
I think that your
enthusiasm is remarkable.
I will take that! I will take it!
Hey, Dana.
Hello, Gary.
Hey! Guess what I've got!
Your head out of your ass?
No!
Right. Watch out! This stuff is sharp.
As in cutting edge. All righty!
Are you okay?
Yes!
You're telling me that this
guy traveled through time
from Denmark 400 years ago?
And you call me a drunk?
It's true, Papa. I done saw it.
Come here, boy.
Take it easy on him,
Ray. He's sensitive.
Come closer.
Lay a hand on him, and I
will make you regret it.
You trying to take me
on, you time-travel freak?
Getting drunk and beating
up on a little boy?
That doesn't make you a
man, you piece of shit!
I got the mind to put
you through that wall.
Then fucking do it, bitch!
Oh, yeah? Do it, motherfucker, come on.
What? Bring it!
Excuse me! Excuse me,
but they're off-book,
and he's definitely not
using Shakespearean language,
and the violence is getting
a little too real for me,
thank you very much.
Okay, let's stop there.
Heywood, that was very powerful.
Yeah, that was.
It was gangster.
Wow. Where were you when I was seven?
Class, thoughts?
I thought Octavio was amazing.
I felt this electric charge!
He's so much more powerful
than any other actor I've...
It's stupid to compare.
I'm just so surprised that
one of you people can act.
"One of you people"?
What does that mean?
Man, that's some
racist shit right there.
I heard that, man.
If you don't like this class, get out.
Or what, bitch?
Don't you call me a
bitch! Hey, simmer down.
I'm so sick and tired of you, Epiphany.
You're hurting me!
Don't do that to my friend!
That's it, that's it.
Let me give you a piece of my mind.
No, I'm really different.
You've got to do something, Dana.
Time out! Time out!
You've got to do something, Dana.
You want nachos or pizza?
Nacho!
I have access to the activities van.
We can go to the Fun Zone in the mall.
I'll get everyone a snack.
You want nachos or pizza?
I could go for some nachos.
Figures.
I'm not doing carbs, but maybe
they have a salad or something.
Anything is better than this.
All right, we're back on track!
And we cannot be stopped!
Yeah.
I just don't even care.
Hey, Mr. Marschz.
Hey, are you mad at me?
No, no.
I don't know.
You've barely spoken to me all day.
Is it because of my resistance
to these gang-bangers?
Hey, hey, just because they're Latinos
doesn't make them gang-bangers. Got it?
Yeah, I'm sorry. I
just love class so much.
I just don't want anything to change.
Rand, you're teacher's pet.
What more do you want?
Come on, let's go hang with the gang.
You mean Latinos.
Hey, you little thing. Come on.
Hey, guys, I'm Groucho Marx.
I say funny stuff.
Mr. Marschz, these guys are drunk.
Come on, guys. I said no drinking.
Why don't you have one with us, ese?
Maybe you'd stop being
such a pinche joto.
The truth is, Heywood, I haven't
had a drink in seven years.
I got the chip on my
keychain to prove it,
from an organization called AA.
Really?
Yeah. It's a slippery slope.
Beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth,
chicks with dicks, then jail.
Hey, what would happen
if you have a drink?
My entire life would fall apart.
Okay. Who wants to go? Me.
I would love to go home.
No, no, no, no, no. You can't leave now.
We just coming together
as a class, right?
No.
Heywood, it's late and
my wife is ovulating.
Hey, we got you another mango iced tea.
Mango iced tea is my kryptonite.
It's totally.
Powerless to resist.
Okay, a few more minutes won't hurt.
Yeah, I'd drink to that.
He's about to go through
the center of the Sun.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to wake up
and show me some form of identification.
Time begins and stops now.
We have a 410 with a 6l4 in
the 1100 block of Ocotillo.
What do those numbers mean?
Come on.
Are you sending me to the gas chamber?
Right this way, sir.
What is happening?
Good morning, class.
Okay, I'd like to start
by saying two things.
First of all, acid
is a very strong drug,
and B, where are my pants and underwear?
Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.
We need to discuss something
about the latest draft.
The role of Laertes, my part,
you've turned him into a gay.
He's not gay. He's bi-curious.
And the role has also
been reduced significantly.
Rand, theater is a living thing.
Octavio's performance the other day,
combined with my wife's
intense desire to get pregnant,
not to mention the acid,
inspired me to take some bold steps
in looking at my
relationship with my father.
That meant reducing Laertes' role.
And the gay thing, I just thought
you'd be more comfortable...
What? What?
This has nothing to
do with my sexuality!
Listen, listen, I've given
my life to this class,
and now it all goes out
the window because of him?
Because he inspired you?
It's what's best for the play.
Not acceptable! I quit!
Oh, man, you can't quit now.
Rand!
Rand! What?
Let's talk about this.
I hate you, you stupid, fat fucker!
Am I fat?
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
He got stuck inside my time machine.
His name is Jesus Christ.
Oh, yeah. We heard you were coming back.
Jesus has a rocking swimmer's bod.
Okay, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
What's really going on here?
Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?
Jesus is very lean...
Can we please wait
until lunch to do that?
Thank you.
Where was I? Jesus has a swimmer's body.
Jesus has a swimmer's body,
and while he's one of the
more spiritual people on Earth,
he's also very attractive to you.
He's attractive to me?
Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads
us on to the musical interlude,
Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.
Okay, you are
40-something minutes late.
I can't do the play.
What?
My dad's making me quit the play.
That's impossible. You're the lead.
He said, "No way."
Goddamn macho bastards
and their fear of the arts.
They just don't get it!
Okay, we're fighting this.
Even if we have to take
on the whole ghetto.
No, wait. What do you mean?
We're going to your house. Now.
No, no, no, we can't do that.
It's not a good idea.
My father tried to stand in
the way of my dreams, too.
He's dead now,
but you could say, like Hamlet's
ghost, I'm still haunted by him.
Because he caused me so much pain,
which is why I tried to become an actor,
which caused me so much pain.
You can't let your
ethnic narrow-mindedness
stop your son from
thriving in our culture.
I have to take exception
to that characterization.
Heywood's a bad boy.
He's a gang-banger. A deadbeat.
But he also has a gift.
Who is Heywood?
Your son, Heywood Jablomey.
Oh.
I just got that.
Octavio doesn't belong to a gang.
He's got a 3.9 and an
early acceptance to Brown.
He does?
Yes, our concerns about the
play are of a different nature.
If it's the sex and violence,
I can totally tone that down.
No, we are fine with those.
Then what is it?
We merely expressed our
absolute distaste for a sequel
to what is arguably the greatest
play in the English language.
Not to mention the quality of
the writing, which is quite low.
Well, no offense, but what
the hockey-puck do you know?
Well, I've published nine novels.
I have a PhD in literature.
My wife is a painter.
She currently has an exhibit
at the Guggenheim in Bilbao.
Oh, okay.
Then...
Help me fix my play!
I'm trying to save drama!
You have Hamlet using a time machine
to stop Gertrude from
drinking the poison,
to stop Ophelia from drowning.
You're taking the tragedy
out of the tragedy.
I just wondered why in
Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.
It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet
had had just a little bit of therapy,
he could have turned everything around.
Everybody deserves a second chance!
Yes, well, we'll let
Octavio make up his own mind.
Thank you for taking the time.
Let me show you the way out.
Could we talk more?
I would love to get your notes.
I would do anything... I'd do chores.
I'd clean your rain gutters.
I'm afraid we don't have rain gutters.
You're a liar, everybody
has rain gutters!
Mr. Rocker?
Yes, what is it, Rand?
Here.
Hamlet 2?
It's the play Mr. Marschz wrote.
What about it?
I think you need to take a look at it.
Why?
Let's just say that
when you get to the scene
where Gertrude gives Hamlet a hand job,
you'll sense my drift.
Did you just say "hand job"?
Yes, I did.
He thinks he's going to
save drama with this play.
Mr. Rocker, if you care about
decency and if you love this country,
you will stop Dana
Marschz. Take him down.
Then take him from behind!
Go Mustangs!
Hey!
I'm here for her. I'm here for her.
Apologies, the Snackatorium is no
longer available, regrettably, because
the ladies who make macaroni and
cheese are getting very territorial.
So without further ado, I'd like
to introduce you to Elisabeth Shue.
Elisabeth Shue, get up here.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
God, I really have a tough time
speaking in front of people.
I get a little nervous.
I'm way more nervous than you.
I'm like... My brain is like mush.
Elisabeth Shue, is she real?
Somebody pinch my ass.
It's inappropriate.
I'm sorry. It's just...
Should we just take questions?
That'd be great.
Okay, class, questions for Ms. Shue.
Someone other than Epiphany.
Okay, not all at once.
You guys, come on, I asked
you to prepare a few questions.
You know, I'm a reasonable guy.
I don't lose it when I...
Jesus Christ!
Can we not share this space in peace?
Epiphany?
Hi. I just want to say I
think your make-up is pretty.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
It is nice.
What about Mr. Alpha Male up there?
Got a question for Ms. Shue?
Yeah.
Who are you? Oh, come on!
Could you not even Google her?
The Karate Kid, the
crane. "Wax on, wax off."
Soapdish. Dreamer,
with the fucking horse.
Any of that shit ring a bell?
Sorry. Pardon my French.
I've heard the word "shit" before.
In Hollywood, you pretty
much have to swim in it.
That is funny, that's...
Excuse me for a second.
What do you miss about acting?
You know what I really
miss about acting?
I miss kissing. In love scenes.
I had so much fun making out
with all those cute actors.
I would love to stay and hear this.
Yeah, I think if I had one
complaint about nursing,
it would be that you don't get
to make out with your patients.
It's fricking exciting having
Elisabeth Shue in class.
Because of its unwholesome content,
the school cannot allow
the exhibition of Hamlet 2.
Where did you get that?
Entirely beside the point.
Did Rand give it to you?
Nudity and pornography are not
permitted on the school premises.
There's no nudity or pornography!
Minimal.
You have Satan French-kissing
the President of the
United States of America!
It's a parting embrace before
the moment of damnation.
The climax of a modernist dance.
I think when all is said and done,
you will find it quite moving.
Trust me, I won't.
We're 10 days away.
Things are in motion.
Art is happening.
Well, stop it.
You can't stop art.
You're shut down, Marx!
No, you are. You are.
You never believed in
me, Daddy! I hate you!
We're putting this play on, and if
you don't like it, then tough titties,
you ass-turd
monkey-fucker!
Oh, my God!
Let me see.
Oh, Shue.
How do you keep your head held
high when people keep throwing
steaming piles of crap in your face?
I know, I know.
That's why I got out of the business.
Well, fuck you, too.
I have to elevate it.
It's not broken and,
yes, I will still be able
to play any and all musical instruments.
I have to tell you something.
I'm pregnant.
Really?
Are you shitting me?
No, no.
Christ in a basket,
Dana. That's too tight.
And it will always be too tight.
I will never not hug this unborn baby!
It's like he's giving me hope.
Who?
God.
At this point, it felt to Dana
as if the air was
perfumed with possibility.
But just as Icarus flew
high on wings of wax,
oblivious to his impending doom,
so was poor, dear Dana Marschz.
Well, I'm lost.
Is blue the right color
for a controversial piece of
socio-political agit-prop theater?
I think blue makes people sad.
Yes, it does.
There's also orange.
Orange.
The color of fire.
Of ripe tangerines, of
the poet's harvest moon!
Glenn, we've done it!
Stop staring at me.
Okay, all right. Okay.
It's ridiculous. But I love it.
Okay, guys, I am pretty effing excited
to announce that the musical
accompaniment to our play
will be provided by the
Gay Men's Chorus of Tucson!
Just a steel-town girl
on a Saturday night
Looking for the fight of her life
In the real-time world
no one sees her at all
They all say she's crazy
Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing movement into light
She has danced into the danger zone
When the dancer becomes the dance
It can cut you like a knife
Hey, guys, thanks a lot for
donating your wire-work services.
It really helped out a lot.
When did you guys get started?
We seen them Kill Bill
movies, like, 20 times,
and we said, "Shit, we got some wire,
"we got some harnesses."
So we get to work in the backyard,
and next thing you know,
we're in show business.
So this is your first attempt?
Yes, sir.
Now hold on, girl.
Three, two, one.
That's cool.
Okay. So this is the Danish
castlelporno theaterltime machine.
It's fantastic.
I don't know what it means, but I
think it's the best set I've ever seen.
Yeah? Yeah.
Who said shop class was useless?
I don't know.
Wait, somebody said that?
It's a figure of speech.
Hey, M. Hey.
Hey, my buddy's meth lab burned down.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, it's going to be some pretty
cherry footage for the play.
Well, excellent. Hey, girls.
Hey, Mr. Marschz. What?
I was thinking, what
if me and my whoadies
rolled up in low-riders
on stage in the third act?
That sounds kind of dangerous.
Yeah, maybe so.
Which is why I want to do it.
We are not making safe theater.
I'm in the wrong place.
Jesus Jones! Rocker's changed the locks.
That is the first shot across
the bow, boys and girls.
Just like that wonderful
film Master and Commander,
starring the terrifyingly real
Aussie badboy, Russell Crowe.
Five more seconds.
Okay, Chuy, breaking and entering
is neither cool nor terrific.
But we got shit to do.
Hey, you get off school
property in the next 10 seconds
or I'm gonna have the
Tucson police department
so far up your ass you're
gonna wish you were a girl.
"What about Hamlet 2
could possibly offend
"Principal Rocker to such a degree?
"Or is offense the offense at all?
"Truth is a nebulous commodity.
"As Roland Barthes tells us, 'Multiple
perspectives cannot ever coalesce."'
Does anybody know what this means?
Did you see this article in the paper?
We're already reading it, woman.
Not the school paper. The News Press.
I stole it from Starbucks.
You really think you're
street, don't you?
Don't fuck with me, homey! I'll cut you.
I liked you better when you
were an uptight racist bitch.
Oh, my God.
"Why is the school board
afraid of this man?"
That's a picture of me.
I was an extra in an
Al Jazeera TV movie.
I regret it now, but
what a fun bunch of guys.
Dana Marsha?
Marschz. Yes?
Consider yourself served.
Thank you.
What a nice man. A smile costs nothing.
Oh, shit, this is a cease and
desist order from the school board.
What does that mean?
That means you can be arrested
for putting on this play.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey,
mister, un-serve me!
All right, mystery man.
Why have you brought us here?
Yeah.
Yeah, why?
This is Joy Junction.
You know, that positive ionic flow.
Jean-Paul, the crew, Burning
Man, the lunar cycle, yeah.
So?
Yeah, yo.
Yeah, yo.
Okay, you started to say something
and didn't finish your sentence.
You didn't? No, no, you.
No, I know you.
No, N-O, "no."
No, no, more yes. You know, less no.
Okay, I'm a little cuckoo-bananas here.
Look, they throw parties here.
The promoters are at Burning Man.
We can use the space.
Oh!
He does lighting and stuff
like that. See Vitamin J,
he acts like a huge dumbass,
but he really knows what he's doing.
Let there be light.
Ah! My eyes!
Mr. Marashka?
Who? It's Marschz. Yes.
Cricket Feldstein, American
Civil Liberties Union.
We spoke on the phone.
The ACLU.
Oh, I thought you were a
talent agent, like UTA or CAA.
But totally not disappointed.
If you're wondering about the
Feldstein, I married a Jew.
It's my understanding
that there are forces
trying to stop you from
performing Hamlet 2.
You received a cease and desist order
in regards to this performance?
Yes.
I think we have a First Amendment
case on our hands, Mr. Marashka.
It's Marschz. You really think so?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
No one is shutting down this play.
The Justice Department and
the so-called Supreme Court
can suck my balls.
What do they have to
do with this? My balls?
No, the other thing.
I'm a short blond chick,
but I play to the death.
I pick cases that I can
win because I wanna win big.
Cases with controversy and headlines
and steaming piles of
shit flying left and right.
Mostly left. How's that sound?
Fine.
Are you on my side? Yes.
Great, let's do it! Okay then.
Do I need to sign anything?
No, don't sign anything!
I think the play's gonna be really good.
It's irrelevant.
Okay.
Goddamn gravel! The
bane of my existence!
Brights!
Oh, my God!
Shut down that piece of shit play.
Bruised, but not broken.
Turns out my play has
divided the community,
but I shall not be deterred.
Dana.
Hang on, I'm going to
run myself a big bath.
Dana. I have had, hands down,
the worst day ever.
Hey, there's no delicate
way of saying this except...
Except Gary and I are
together, and we're a couple,
and we're moving out now.
Yeah, I'm gonna run myself a big Arthur
- style bath with bubbles.
I'm sorry.
And I'm gonna put on my top hat,
and wish all my troubles
into a cornfield.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Didn't you hear what I just said?
Yes, I did, funny bunny.
Dana.
We're packed, we're leaving.
We're moving to San Diego.
God, I almost believe you.
Believe it!
But why? You're my wife.
Your wife is leaving you.
Gary and I have been getting
closer for a while now,
and turns out we are very compatible.
As long as he keeps
his mouth shut. Anyway.
Look, you've been so busy with
your play, and these things happen.
So, don't sweat it. It's...
You'll be much happier without me.
What about the baby?
The doctor told me a while ago
that you've been shooting blanks.
I should have said something.
That must mean...
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Brie, I'm starting to think
you are not a very nice person.
Just wake up, okay?
Left you a protein shake in the fridge.
Gary, let's go.
It's strawberry.
Electric and phone
bills are right there,
and the rent's due on Thursday.
Good luck with the play.
You really will be
better off without me.
Come on.
She's a maniac
Maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like
she's never danced before
Oh, boy.
Fuck!
Hey, what's cheap and strong?
Grain alcohol.
I feel like I'm in a cage.
And I feel like Nicolas
Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.
Starring my good friend, Elisabeth Shue.
$8.40.
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
Can I use your bathroom?
No.
Hey, we got the TVs.
There's a hundred sets in there, woman!
Where did you get them all?
Stole them from white folks, dawg.
I have to say something, guys.
I really think Mr. Marschz is bipolar.
Just like my cousin.
But she takes pills.
He's not bipolar. He's a freak.
Do you think he realizes that
every time he wears a dress
he's flashing his balls at us?
You know, where is he anyway?
He was supposed to
be here two hours ago.
Maybe he's out shopping for a dress.
He should buy some underwear.
Who do you think you are
talking like that, white girl?
I heard everything. I heard everything!
I haven't bought an item
of clothing in over 10 years
because I don't get paid for this job.
Did you know that?
I work for gas money,
which is why I skate.
That and the DUI.
My life is a parody of a tragedy!
My wife left me. Baby wasn't mine.
People are trying to run me over.
What are we supposed to do?
It doesn't matter.
We're not gonna get this play on.
We might as well give up now!
What?
He works for gas money?
That is so sad.
Mr. M!
Mr. M!
What happened?
Get away from me, you devil bitches.
Leave me to the vultures.
Pussy!
Yolanda.
You come in here and tell
us all to be artistic,
and put on your crazy-ass play,
and when things get a little
rough, you act like a fucking pussy?
Yolanda, you don't say much, but
when you do, it sure packs a wallop.
She's right!
Okay, you've had a pretty
bad day, I'll give you that.
But that doesn't mean you give up.
Why not?
Nobody cares.
Yeah, we do.
I don't want your pity.
Man, you keep talking about
making us extraordinary.
That's from Dead Poets.
Well, you're teaching us
something really important.
I am? What is it?
It doesn't matter how
much talent we lack,
as long as we have enthusiasm.
That's truth. Because I lack talent.
The football team, the wrestling team
and all the seniors are
gonna be like security
and kick the asses of anyone
who tries to stop this play.
Yeah. And I got some friends
to watch the parking lot
just in case we have any
trouble, you know what I'm saying?
And we're also sold out.
What?
Mr. M, you're not getting it.
Like, all the tickets were bought.
Channel 5 is coming.
And I got a call from one
of Elton John's people,
something about permission.
And there was a message from
this guy at the New York Times.
Mr. M,
we don't wanna give up.
I just get scared.
Every time I try to go for something,
my heart gets stomped
on like a baby kitten.
That's no reason to give up.
Maybe it is. No, it's not.
Help him up.
Let's go to work.
Okay, hey, guys, my skate is stuck.
I'm such a dick.
Wait, what are you doing? Let go of me.
I'm not interested in this
monkey-spunk play. Come on!
Ticket holders only.
This event is sold out.
If you don't have a ticket,
get the fuck out of my face.
I am revoking permission
for my son to appear tonight.
I am, too.
And so am I.
But why now?
I heard the play was disgusting.
How can you say that
if you haven't seen it?
What about this Sexy Jesus song?
I mean, that's just disrespectful.
Look, it's about if Jesus
came to Earth in modern times,
he would have to market
himself like a celebrity.
It's very thoughtful.
That's an oversimplification, but...
I don't care to see my son
used as a political pawn!
I'm doing this play for my own reasons.
You know, according to the
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals,
if you sign a consent form,
that means you're giving consent.
And you can't take that form back,
you can't take your signature off it.
You signed it, you signed consent.
So end of deal, okay. End of story.
Sorry, you guys, but
you totally gave consent.
You don't control our kids!
Wake up call! You
don't control your kids!
Now get out of my performance space,
before I have security,
a.k.a. the 2nd Avenue Angels,
remove your sorry asses.
How did you get the balls to do that?
I'm still a little drunk.
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Okay, I'll just piss on
your pretty little gym shoes.
Welcome to West Mesa High
Drama's final performance.
If you are moved by tonight's work,
please go forward and
support arts education...
Eat shit and die, you tramp.
Let go of me! Hey, hands off!
And please take this opportunity
to turn off all cell phones.
It's the celestial message.
The portal to infinity is wide open.
Yeah! Fuck yeah!
Look. I studied French at Vassar.
I'm not getting any of this.
Well, can you give us an update?
Free speech is alive and well in Tucson,
so go and tell the mundo.
I think it's going terrific.
Are people still walking out?
Mr. Marschz,
this is the most important theatrical
event in the history of Tucson.
I have to be a part of it.
Rand, that is a very brave
and generous thing to...
Piff took the fries.
I've been going to a
shrink five days a week
and I started on anti-depressants
and I'm much more
comfortable with my sexuality.
I'd be happy to play
Laertes as bi-curious.
That's wonderful!
And I forgive you.
Okay. Stop it. Go get changed.
Okay.
Sometimes I feel like
I'm drifting in space
I think my heart-soul
is falling from grace
Therapy's taken me to a better place
So why do I feel, why do I feel
Why do I feel like I've
been raped in the face?
Raped in the face?
Maybe it's buried emotions
Or maybe the wrong medication
I simply go through the motions
They say I need a vacation
I really do feel like a sexual victim
With dark memories of a rigid dictum
This is disgusting! Shut up!
This means I love you, he murmured
This will be our little secret
You'll wind up horribly murdered
If you should dare not to keep it
I know the topic of rape isn't nice
Don't bring it up when
you're breaking the ice
Is that why you are so quick to decline
To hear this oral fixation of mine?
My head spins like a
wheel As I make this appeal
If I'm lost then I'll
squeal It's a pretty raw deal
When they force you to
kneel Holy fuck, it's so real
When you're being
Raped in the face
He's totally the man
The man with the plan
He traveled through time
in an awesome custom van
Moralistically, he taught us to be good
How to set our souls free
And do all the shit we should
Now we do the right deeds
We go to church and such
And we stopped smoking weed
Well, at least not as much
And we can't forget to
mention The golden rule
Do unto others as you would have them
Slam, bam, spank you, ma'am
Do unto you!
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
You're so hot! My God, I love you!
I wanna party with you, Jesus.
Jesus.
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
You died for our sins
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
I'm simultaneously
horrified and fascinated.
We're really amazed
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
Blasphemy! Blasphemy!
All night long
He lays down science,
really blows my mind
But he's also got abs that
transcend space and time
He's the son of God,
and I think that's cool
But he's got a swimmer's
bod like nobody do
Blasphemy! Go back to your seat.
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
He died for our sins
You've got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Immaculate conception
really makes my day
But the dude's got lats
that make me feel gay
"Turn the other cheek"
is really showing class
But I really think it's sexy
when he kicks Satan's ass
Kicks Satan's ass!
Kicks Satan's ass!
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
That's the crane.
He died for our sins
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
Wait, I totally get it.
Jesus kicks the devil's ass.
But it's still disrespectful.
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Surf's up, dudes.
Hey, mister.
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
Oh, my God! Jesus!
He's walking on water!
Jesus H. Christ!
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
We're really amazed
You got to believe us
His moralistic ways Totally ease us
His zen zing zang is gonna appease us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
His holiest of ways
Ain't never gonna leave us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Rock me, sexy
All night long
Rock me, sexy
Yeah, yeah, yeah
All night long
But it's supposed to
be intermission now.
We can't have intermission.
The fire department is trying
to evacuate the building.
Everyone, keep going!
When I think of those East End lights
Muggy nights
The curtains drawn in
the little room downstairs
Jesus, come on.
Coming.
Prima Donna lord you really
should have been there
You ready? Yeah.
Where are we going?
33 AD.
Got it!
Hold on! Okay.
And it's one more beer and
I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling
round the basement floor
You know, Hamlet, you
must forgive your father
the abuse you suffered.
You know, sometimes even I feel
like my father's forsaken me.
Really?
Good luck.
Thanks, Jesus.
You got my cell number? Yeah.
Okay.
My dad finds out what I've been
up to, he's gonna crucify me.
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Oh, Laertes, therein lies the rub.
If we use my time machine, then we
could save thy sister, thy father,
my dear mother, Queen Gertrude.
Not to mention the King.
Your madness must not unwatched go.
That is excellent wire-work!
I never realized the passing
hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging
in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your
haunted social scene
It was poison!
Just a pawn out-played
by a dominating queen
It's 4.00 in the morning
Damn it, listen to me good
Watch it.
You watch it, Nacho Bell Grande!
Why are you trying to fuck
with me all the time, bitch?
I'll show you why, vato.
Someone saved my life tonight
Sugar bear
Sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me
That's my cue!
Didn't you, dear?
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away
Fly away, bye-bye
You have no documentation, no
ID, your badge isn't visible,
and you accidentally grazed my boob
when you tried to walk past me.
I could put you away for
a year, you fire-fucker.
You wanna hit me? Hit me!
I would love it if you hit me.
'Cause I'm married to a
Jew, I got nothing to lose.
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Ophelia, will you marry me?
Yes!
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
I'm sorry, son.
I forgive you, Father!
I was molested as a child.
Maybe that's why I'm so angry.
I forgive you. Father, I forgive you.
I forgive you. I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Wow.
What's going on?
Wow, there's a great energy in here.
I'm suing everybody!
This isn't over.
I want you out of this community.
This play's offensive!
Well, I'm sorry!
No, no, no, don't do that!
That's offensive, too!
Jack Wiggum, please.
Jack, it's Elisabeth.
I'm ready to act again.
Shue. It's Elisabeth Shue.
Mr. Marschza? It's Marschz.
My name is Ron Kantor.
I'm with the New York Times.
I was quite taken with your play.
Oh, thank you.
I was very moved when
Hamlet forgave his father.
Great!
What about when I forgave my father?
A penny for your thoughts.
I was just thinking about all those
voices saying, "You can't do it,"
and, "You're a loser."
Well, that's psychosis.
You know, I had a feeling...
No, I mean actual voices,
like my ex-wife, the school,
pretty much everyone.
Well, everyone and their brother
wants a piece of your genius ass now.
Is it true that Jeremy effing
Irons wanted to do your play
and you turned him down?
"Oh, Dana, for fuck's sake,
please let me do your play."
It takes a real set
of low-hangers, mister.
He won't even let me be in
it, and I'm his girlfriend.
I wanna preserve the original cast.
Artistic integrity!
And, yes, he does have a
real set of low-hangers.
Oh, how romantic.
Well, this play is
gonna bitch-slap Broadway
like a cheap hooker at a gang-bang.
Yeah.
You know, and those
Bible-humping protesters
can suck a bag of dicks,
'cause all they ended up doing
was giving you free publicity.
Yeah, and did you see my dressing room?
It has a bidet.
That was a sink.
It was?
Hey, it's Mr. M. Hi!
Hey. Hi.
Hey, Mr. M. New York's pretty cool.
Compared to Tucson.
You know, Chuy, you're
gonna have a magical life.
Because no matter where you go,
it will always be better than Tucson.
Come on.
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We juiced with this other juicer,
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To act is to breathe the poet's breath.
It is to embody the dreams of man.
To live as an actor is to live a dream.
I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.
But you'd never know it.
Thanks, Herpecol.
But dreams are ephemeral,
and sometimes impossible.
So we must ask,
where do dreams go to die?
Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?
Hey, well, why don't I take you out
to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?
Give me your number.
You want my number?
Which number do you want, George?
You see, right there. I like
the way you say "George."
For instance, ten. That's how
many months old my baby girl is.
You got a baby girl?
Sexy, huh?
How about six?
That's how old my other daughter is.
Eight is the age of my son.
Two is how many times I've
been married and divorced.
Sixteen is the number of
dollars in my bank account.
And I'm guessing zero is the number
of times you're gonna call me.
Hey, the reviews are in.
Read them quickly.
It minimizes the pain.
"Are Dana Marschz's
bi-yearly stagings of
"popular Hollywood
films an ironic gesture,
"or is he just profoundly confused?
"To be fair,
"this year's Erin Brockovich
accomplishes something quite astonishing."
"It manages to make
last year's production
"of Mississippi Burning look
sparkling by comparison."
What about the acting?
"It is perhaps best not
to mention the acting.
"In the theater, actors endeavor
to simulate human emotion.
"Rand Posin and Epiphany
Sellars flap their lips
"and wave their arms like
malfunctioning wind-up toys..."
That's enough!
Every trimester we
get fisted by this guy!
What's "fisted"?
What?
I have so much anger.
I feel like I've been raped.
In the face!
What do I need to do to please you?
Is that the purpose of your plays?
To please me?
I put a lot of myself into my work.
Would it kill you to say something
nice about it once in a while?
Have you ever considered doing a play
that wasn't originally a popular movie?
No. Why?
Do you think I should be
writing more of my own material?
That wasn't what I had in
mind, but, sure, why not?
You know, there's so much I
want to say through my work
that sometimes it overwhelms me.
I gotta go clean the hamster cages.
Are you going to be all right?
Yes, I'm great.
Okay.
Yeah, you take care.
Thanks for the truth
sandwich, my little brother.
Morning, Gary.
Morning, Dana.
Top of the morning to you.
It's a really kickass sunny
day outside today, man.
Great observation there, Gary.
We live in Tucson.
Can I talk to you, please, privately?
Sure, squishy.
Excuse us.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I'm a little
groggy. I was up late.
I'm working on an original play.
It's about my childhood.
Anyway, I know we're broke
and that we needed a roommate,
but I swear to God, I can't
live like this anymore.
I'm gonna go back to
dealing pot, I swear...
No, no, I will not
have you pushing drugs.
I was a dealer, not a pusher.
It's just until I,
you know, get an agent
and start doing commercials again.
Also known as never.
You keep me honest,
I adore you for that.
Well...
It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.
That's helped out a lot around here.
Gary has a car.
Maybe I can get him
to run me over with it.
Oh, you.
What did I do so right
to get you in my life?
Hey, Max. Hey.
Okay, I... Okay, I get it.
Hey, gang, what's up?
Mr. Marschz, have you
seen our new class yet?
No. Why?
Let's just say, it's new and different.
Well, Rand, "new" and "different"
are two of my favorite words.
In my prayer circle, I've been praying
for more racial understanding,
but I still get anxious around ethnics.
Okay, please turn down the music.
Not off, just down.
Okay, we've got ourselves a full house!
Scary!
Normally, I only have the two students.
Let's go around and find out
why drama is suddenly so popular.
You?
Yolanda doesn't talk.
But you know the only reason
that we're here, right,
is because there's asbestos
in the portable classrooms,
and because we live on
the poor side of town
and there isn't any money,
they just decided to cancel
everything that we care about.
You know, like computers and ceramics
and shop and arts and crafts, and
drama was the only elective left.
Did anyone pick drama as a first choice?
That's fine.
Better never than late.
Okay, as a point of departure,
has anyone seen the movie
Dead Poets Society,
starring... What's your name?
the always-superb Robin
Williams? I'm Octavio.
Well, it's very good.
I was, for one week,
Mr. Williams' stand-in on
the fantastic motion picture
Patch Adams,
when I lived in Hollywood. Hey, come on.
Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.
He once gave me a ride to my bus stop.
I couldn't be happier
for all his success.
Nice guys do finish first.
So what's... Hey, what's your name?
Heywood.
Heywood...
Heywood Jablomey.
Right.
Perhaps some of you have seen
the movie Mr. Holland's Opus?
Starring, I know...
Starring Richard Dreyfuss as a
music teacher with a deaf son.
He can't hear his music. Imagine that?
Very sad.
Also stars Glenne Headley.
Wildly underrated.
Check these out. They're all
inspirational...
Teacher.
...teacher movies.
What could I do
to inspire...
Hey, you fucking bastards!
Just kidding. Hope I'm
not freaking you out.
Wait, I hope I am freaking you out!
Is this guy for real?
Okay, let's start with an exercise.
Rand, get up here.
Okay, Rand. Be an animal.
Hey, check this out.
Yeah, this is one of the most basic
skills a drama student can acquire.
That's beautiful, Rand.
Feline good.
Anyone tell what kind of animal Rand is?
He's a pussy.
Okay.
Okay. So, Heywood.
What?
What kind of creature would you be?
I could be a flaming ass crack.
Oh, wait, you're already doing that.
You know, I'd like to see your Bottom.
Like to see my what?
I'd like to see your Bottom.
I mean, your portrayal of Bottom
in A Midsummer Night's Dream.
A Midsummer Night's Dream.
It's written by a buddy of
mine, you may have heard of him,
William Shakespeare.
Yeah, he liked to goof around,
but most of the time he was serious.
Because he, like I, believed
that theater has the power,
not only to transform the actor,
but also the audience.
Do you believe that?
Sounds kind of cuckoo-bananas.
But I believe that.
I believe that with
every fiber of my being.
If I kick this trash can...
Oh, my God! Yolanda!
Oh, my God!
Okay, she's still conscious
and she's not bleeding.
Man, you need to be careful.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, I've learned a lesson here,
but I hope you all have, too.
About the vitality of shared experience.
We will all remember this
moment for the rest of our lives.
It was dramatic. It was visual.
It was stupid.
It was stupid, but it was also theater.
Okay, I'd like to borrow
your cell. Call 911.
Yolanda?
Yolanda?
It's free. Wake up.
Hey.
We started without you.
Apologies.
I had to spend some
time with the lawyers
for the school district and paramedics.
Now, it's all going to work out.
There's no brain damage.
No charges will be pressed.
I think I need a
quesadilla. Immediamente!
Nothing you are saying
makes any sense to me.
Turns out my class is fourteen
times as crowded as it normally is.
I've got a real tough nut to crack.
A Mexican boy, lives by his wits.
I'm going to inspire this year.
I mean, make a real difference.
I feel, for the first time, I
can make a genuine difference.
Oh, God! I am getting hammered!
Careful, Brie. You know how you get.
No, Dana. How do I get?
Please, tell me how I get.
Hmm?
No, I see. I got you. I totally got you.
Okay, she got me.
You guys laugh so much.
Another gem of an insight from Gary.
Our boarder, Gary.
Hey, don't forget. We have
an A-P-P-O-l-N-T-M-E-N- at the sperm doctor on Wednesday.
I don't like airing
our personal business
in front of
you-know-who, Gary,
but if you're shooting
blanks, I swear to God,
I'm going to stab you
to death in your sleep.
But, seriously, you gotta
let your balls breathe, okay?
It's in that pamphlet I read.
It's... And the corduroy has got
to go, especially with the skating.
It's like...
We live in Tucson, for fuck's sake.
You're broiling our little tadpoles
in that crotch of yours. What?
Can I get a virgin strawberry, please?
Seven years sober.
Awesome.
I seriously, seriously wish
you would start drinking again.
Brie, I would never judge you.
Good, because if I had to give up booze,
I'd blow my brains out
living in this shit-sack city.
Anyway, to Dana.
My husband. What the
fuck was I thinking?
I'm just kidding.
I don't have a drink.
Did you do something
different with your hair today?
Look, I have a life plan,
and it does not include you.
Well, if you don't
spend no time with me,
how are you supposed to
get to know me, sunshine?
That's the whole point.
I don't want to spend time with you.
So pretty!
It's from Ethiopia.
I re-watched a fantastic
movie last night,
Dangerous Minds,
starring the gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer.
It gave me a little insight into
your character, Mr. Tough Guy.
Okay, stand up.
Why?
We're going to karate.
No, man. I don't think so.
Come on.
Nice freeball.
Now, punch me.
I'm not punching a guy in a dress.
It's a kaftan, my friend.
Keeps my balls at room temp. Now, do it.
Don't make me do this.
Do it.
Do it!
You all right?
Mr. M? Oh, my God!
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Mr. M, are you okay?
Breathe!
I wasn't ready.
Mr. Marx, could I have a minute?
Sure! Sure, sure.
What's the matter with you?
Trying to inspire a troubled student.
Look, I thought you should
know as soon as possible.
Last night, the school board, which
is facing major financial cuts,
decided to cancel drama.
Cancel how?
Completely. Forever.
You can stay till the end of
the term and after that, get out.
You can't have a school
without a drama department.
Sure, you can.
This is obviously a practical joke.
Look, the county and the school
district are in fiscal crisis.
All the arts programs
are on the chopping block.
And let's face it, we're not
producing any Oscar-winners here.
Tony.
What?
That would be Tony-winners.
It's the award for theater.
Listen up, guy. I've seen your plays.
This is no great loss.
Well, you're a dirty, violent beaner!
You shouldn't have hit him like that!
Shut up, you cow. It wasn't my fault.
He made me hit him.
That, to you...
You are racist, okay?
And a terrible person! Oh, really?
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Mr. Marschz? Are you okay?
No, Rand! I'm not okay!
Can you tell me how
a little boy
from a dairy farm in Manitoba,
who dreams of acting but
can't do it very well,
and could never get a decent agent,
so he moves on, decides to teach,
to pass on his love of the craft...
Can you tell me how
he deals with all the
God-awful crap that's
handed out to him without
wrapping his lips around a.45
and just blowing his brains out?
Don't do it!
Is he acting?
No, he's not that good.
Mr. Marschz!
Dana Marschz's wavering consciousness
led him to believe that
he was leaving this Earth
and all its trials.
But the fates had long ago deigned
that his life's work
was only just begun.
Where the fark have you been?
Staring into the abyss of nothingness.
Drama has been cancelled.
Finally! Now you can go
back to your job at Rite Aid
and start making some real money.
Oh, Dana, I found a great
parking spot right out front
and there was still time on the meter.
They should just ship
you on over to the Gulf,
you know, let you talk to people.
All the terrorists would
just kill themselves.
Well, I, for one, am very
appreciative that Gary drove you here.
Why did you bring that thing?
I don't know. I thought maybe I
could work through my grief in song.
Maybe it's better that I just...
I can't get pregnant.
I think we shouldn't
pass on this gene pool.
This is for you, baby.
Am I shooting blanks?
Are my testicles an empty tank?
Is it all a ruse when I go kergluge?
Why?
I want to
Splash you with my
hot-buttered love spackle
So put your lips around
this wedding tackle
It's nuclear war!
Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a
copy of your insurance card.
Can you get the... Thanks.
I'm sorry about my husband.
He's not right in the head.
It's okay. It's Marschz, by the way.
Marschz? Yeah.
Marschz.
Marschz?
Marschz.
Marschz?
Marschz.
Marschz.
I don't care.
Excuse me, I'm sorry to be so forward,
but you look a lot like my favorite
actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.
Yeah. I am her.
But you really look like her.
Well, that's because I am her.
Oh, my God! I knew it in my heart-soul.
Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!
I'm freaking out.
You, you were wonderful
in Leaving Las Vegas...
Oh, thank you.
...and so fabulously funny
in Adventures in Babysitting,
not forgetting Cocktail with Tom Cruise.
What is he like? He seems totally great.
What are you doing in Tucson?
Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!
I'm actually a nurse now.
I just, you know, got kind of
sick of the business, you know?
Sick of all the horrible people,
and it's all about being
a fucking celebrity now.
Anyway, there's a real
shortage of nurses out there,
and I like taking care of people.
Oh, my God! I didn't hear
anything you just said
because I'm too excited.
Would you come and speak
with my drama class?
They would just lose their minds.
No. They wouldn't even
know who I am, anyway.
They would.
All right. I'll come.
But, I'm gonna talk about all the
insecurity and the self-Ioathing,
the rejection...
Perfect!
So, what's Nick Cage really like?
I mean, were you just
paralyzed with awe?
I have to go back to work.
Elisabeth Shue.
I feel so connected to you. Yes, I do.
And I thank you for
giving me back my smile.
You're welcome.
Shoo! Shoo, Shue!
Oh, God!
Doctor! Oh, my God!
Okay, gang.
This is the amount
we need to save drama.
6K, a.k.a. $6,000. How do we get it?
Piff? Bake sale.
Not enough dough, pun intended.
Yo. We could knock over a 7-Eleven.
Nice thought,
but 7-Elevens are not as
vulnerable as they used to be.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
I've got a little something-something.
Let's hear it.
Toasters. Man, you know,
we just move that skeet.
You know, 10 grands.
Hell, we could do that.
Hey, dumbass!
"Toaster" is street for "gun."
"Toaster" is street for "gun"?
What a colorful expression!
There he goes! The little kangaroo rat!
Hey, Noah Sapperstein.
Oh, hi!
Happy? Huh?
Happy you finally
succeeded in taking me down?
No. I think it's
terrible what's happened
to arts education in this country.
I don't know what to do.
Everything is out of control.
You want to save drama, but you've
produced nothing worth saving.
You know, it's like...
It's like my father got reincarnated
into the body of a freaking
little drama critic.
Look, all I'm saying is,
you need to inspire everyone
to come to your rescue.
You know, I was thinking of working
on a musical version of The Lake House,
you know the wonderful Sandra
Bullock, Keanu Reeves...
Play with space and time.
No? No.
There is one other thing.
It's a piece I've been working on.
I have the first act and reams
of notes in my inspiration box.
It's called Hamlet 2.
A sequel to Hamlet by Shakespeare?
Yes. Yes. Do you think it's a bad idea?
Not necessarily, no.
Sometimes an idea could be so
bad, it starts to turn good again.
But... And so, what about
funding for drama next trimester?
Forget about the money right now.
Put on a play, and make it
the best you've ever done.
Use that as a way of drawing
attention to the funding issue.
What if it sucks?
Isn't that a question every
artist must ask himself?
Yes! I am an artist, aren't I?
Thank you. You've given me the
kick in the pants I needed, kid.
Okay, well, I need to go to recess now.
You're very busy. I understand.
Oh, my God! Writing is so hard.
What is your fucking problem, man?
Huh?
Dana? Dana? Hey, I need some money.
Hey, it's done.
What is? My original work
that's gonna save drama.
The thing I've been working on
for the last 47 billion hours.
Oh, is that what you were doing?
I thought you were just
having a nervous meltdown.
You're not far off, ladypants.
Any creative person will tell you,
you gotta go a little crazy
to make great fucking art.
Hamlet 2?
The deuce. Correct.
Doesn't everybody die at
the end of the first one?
I have a device.
"The time machine door opens..."
That's the device.
"...revealing Hamlet,
Gertrude, Polonius,
"and Hillary Clinton having
what appears to be group sex."
It's about my troubled
relationship with my father.
But, you're doing this at
school with the kids, right?
That's the plan, Stan.
What do you think?
I think that your
enthusiasm is remarkable.
I will take that! I will take it!
Hey, Dana.
Hello, Gary.
Hey! Guess what I've got!
Your head out of your ass?
No!
Right. Watch out! This stuff is sharp.
As in cutting edge. All righty!
Are you okay?
Yes!
You're telling me that this
guy traveled through time
from Denmark 400 years ago?
And you call me a drunk?
It's true, Papa. I done saw it.
Come here, boy.
Take it easy on him,
Ray. He's sensitive.
Come closer.
Lay a hand on him, and I
will make you regret it.
You trying to take me
on, you time-travel freak?
Getting drunk and beating
up on a little boy?
That doesn't make you a
man, you piece of shit!
I got the mind to put
you through that wall.
Then fucking do it, bitch!
Oh, yeah? Do it, motherfucker, come on.
What? Bring it!
Excuse me! Excuse me,
but they're off-book,
and he's definitely not
using Shakespearean language,
and the violence is getting
a little too real for me,
thank you very much.
Okay, let's stop there.
Heywood, that was very powerful.
Yeah, that was.
It was gangster.
Wow. Where were you when I was seven?
Class, thoughts?
I thought Octavio was amazing.
I felt this electric charge!
He's so much more powerful
than any other actor I've...
It's stupid to compare.
I'm just so surprised that
one of you people can act.
"One of you people"?
What does that mean?
Man, that's some
racist shit right there.
I heard that, man.
If you don't like this class, get out.
Or what, bitch?
Don't you call me a
bitch! Hey, simmer down.
I'm so sick and tired of you, Epiphany.
You're hurting me!
Don't do that to my friend!
That's it, that's it.
Let me give you a piece of my mind.
No, I'm really different.
You've got to do something, Dana.
Time out! Time out!
You've got to do something, Dana.
You want nachos or pizza?
Nacho!
I have access to the activities van.
We can go to the Fun Zone in the mall.
I'll get everyone a snack.
You want nachos or pizza?
I could go for some nachos.
Figures.
I'm not doing carbs, but maybe
they have a salad or something.
Anything is better than this.
All right, we're back on track!
And we cannot be stopped!
Yeah.
I just don't even care.
Hey, Mr. Marschz.
Hey, are you mad at me?
No, no.
I don't know.
You've barely spoken to me all day.
Is it because of my resistance
to these gang-bangers?
Hey, hey, just because they're Latinos
doesn't make them gang-bangers. Got it?
Yeah, I'm sorry. I
just love class so much.
I just don't want anything to change.
Rand, you're teacher's pet.
What more do you want?
Come on, let's go hang with the gang.
You mean Latinos.
Hey, you little thing. Come on.
Hey, guys, I'm Groucho Marx.
I say funny stuff.
Mr. Marschz, these guys are drunk.
Come on, guys. I said no drinking.
Why don't you have one with us, ese?
Maybe you'd stop being
such a pinche joto.
The truth is, Heywood, I haven't
had a drink in seven years.
I got the chip on my
keychain to prove it,
from an organization called AA.
Really?
Yeah. It's a slippery slope.
Beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth,
chicks with dicks, then jail.
Hey, what would happen
if you have a drink?
My entire life would fall apart.
Okay. Who wants to go? Me.
I would love to go home.
No, no, no, no, no. You can't leave now.
We just coming together
as a class, right?
No.
Heywood, it's late and
my wife is ovulating.
Hey, we got you another mango iced tea.
Mango iced tea is my kryptonite.
It's totally.
Powerless to resist.
Okay, a few more minutes won't hurt.
Yeah, I'd drink to that.
He's about to go through
the center of the Sun.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to wake up
and show me some form of identification.
Time begins and stops now.
We have a 410 with a 6l4 in
the 1100 block of Ocotillo.
What do those numbers mean?
Come on.
Are you sending me to the gas chamber?
Right this way, sir.
What is happening?
Good morning, class.
Okay, I'd like to start
by saying two things.
First of all, acid
is a very strong drug,
and B, where are my pants and underwear?
Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.
We need to discuss something
about the latest draft.
The role of Laertes, my part,
you've turned him into a gay.
He's not gay. He's bi-curious.
And the role has also
been reduced significantly.
Rand, theater is a living thing.
Octavio's performance the other day,
combined with my wife's
intense desire to get pregnant,
not to mention the acid,
inspired me to take some bold steps
in looking at my
relationship with my father.
That meant reducing Laertes' role.
And the gay thing, I just thought
you'd be more comfortable...
What? What?
This has nothing to
do with my sexuality!
Listen, listen, I've given
my life to this class,
and now it all goes out
the window because of him?
Because he inspired you?
It's what's best for the play.
Not acceptable! I quit!
Oh, man, you can't quit now.
Rand!
Rand! What?
Let's talk about this.
I hate you, you stupid, fat fucker!
Am I fat?
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
He got stuck inside my time machine.
His name is Jesus Christ.
Oh, yeah. We heard you were coming back.
Jesus has a rocking swimmer's bod.
Okay, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
What's really going on here?
Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?
Jesus is very lean...
Can we please wait
until lunch to do that?
Thank you.
Where was I? Jesus has a swimmer's body.
Jesus has a swimmer's body,
and while he's one of the
more spiritual people on Earth,
he's also very attractive to you.
He's attractive to me?
Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads
us on to the musical interlude,
Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.
Okay, you are
40-something minutes late.
I can't do the play.
What?
My dad's making me quit the play.
That's impossible. You're the lead.
He said, "No way."
Goddamn macho bastards
and their fear of the arts.
They just don't get it!
Okay, we're fighting this.
Even if we have to take
on the whole ghetto.
No, wait. What do you mean?
We're going to your house. Now.
No, no, no, we can't do that.
It's not a good idea.
My father tried to stand in
the way of my dreams, too.
He's dead now,
but you could say, like Hamlet's
ghost, I'm still haunted by him.
Because he caused me so much pain,
which is why I tried to become an actor,
which caused me so much pain.
You can't let your
ethnic narrow-mindedness
stop your son from
thriving in our culture.
I have to take exception
to that characterization.
Heywood's a bad boy.
He's a gang-banger. A deadbeat.
But he also has a gift.
Who is Heywood?
Your son, Heywood Jablomey.
Oh.
I just got that.
Octavio doesn't belong to a gang.
He's got a 3.9 and an
early acceptance to Brown.
He does?
Yes, our concerns about the
play are of a different nature.
If it's the sex and violence,
I can totally tone that down.
No, we are fine with those.
Then what is it?
We merely expressed our
absolute distaste for a sequel
to what is arguably the greatest
play in the English language.
Not to mention the quality of
the writing, which is quite low.
Well, no offense, but what
the hockey-puck do you know?
Well, I've published nine novels.
I have a PhD in literature.
My wife is a painter.
She currently has an exhibit
at the Guggenheim in Bilbao.
Oh, okay.
Then...
Help me fix my play!
I'm trying to save drama!
You have Hamlet using a time machine
to stop Gertrude from
drinking the poison,
to stop Ophelia from drowning.
You're taking the tragedy
out of the tragedy.
I just wondered why in
Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.
It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet
had had just a little bit of therapy,
he could have turned everything around.
Everybody deserves a second chance!
Yes, well, we'll let
Octavio make up his own mind.
Thank you for taking the time.
Let me show you the way out.
Could we talk more?
I would love to get your notes.
I would do anything... I'd do chores.
I'd clean your rain gutters.
I'm afraid we don't have rain gutters.
You're a liar, everybody
has rain gutters!
Mr. Rocker?
Yes, what is it, Rand?
Here.
Hamlet 2?
It's the play Mr. Marschz wrote.
What about it?
I think you need to take a look at it.
Why?
Let's just say that
when you get to the scene
where Gertrude gives Hamlet a hand job,
you'll sense my drift.
Did you just say "hand job"?
Yes, I did.
He thinks he's going to
save drama with this play.
Mr. Rocker, if you care about
decency and if you love this country,
you will stop Dana
Marschz. Take him down.
Then take him from behind!
Go Mustangs!
Hey!
I'm here for her. I'm here for her.
Apologies, the Snackatorium is no
longer available, regrettably, because
the ladies who make macaroni and
cheese are getting very territorial.
So without further ado, I'd like
to introduce you to Elisabeth Shue.
Elisabeth Shue, get up here.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
God, I really have a tough time
speaking in front of people.
I get a little nervous.
I'm way more nervous than you.
I'm like... My brain is like mush.
Elisabeth Shue, is she real?
Somebody pinch my ass.
It's inappropriate.
I'm sorry. It's just...
Should we just take questions?
That'd be great.
Okay, class, questions for Ms. Shue.
Someone other than Epiphany.
Okay, not all at once.
You guys, come on, I asked
you to prepare a few questions.
You know, I'm a reasonable guy.
I don't lose it when I...
Jesus Christ!
Can we not share this space in peace?
Epiphany?
Hi. I just want to say I
think your make-up is pretty.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
It is nice.
What about Mr. Alpha Male up there?
Got a question for Ms. Shue?
Yeah.
Who are you? Oh, come on!
Could you not even Google her?
The Karate Kid, the
crane. "Wax on, wax off."
Soapdish. Dreamer,
with the fucking horse.
Any of that shit ring a bell?
Sorry. Pardon my French.
I've heard the word "shit" before.
In Hollywood, you pretty
much have to swim in it.
That is funny, that's...
Excuse me for a second.
What do you miss about acting?
You know what I really
miss about acting?
I miss kissing. In love scenes.
I had so much fun making out
with all those cute actors.
I would love to stay and hear this.
Yeah, I think if I had one
complaint about nursing,
it would be that you don't get
to make out with your patients.
It's fricking exciting having
Elisabeth Shue in class.
Because of its unwholesome content,
the school cannot allow
the exhibition of Hamlet 2.
Where did you get that?
Entirely beside the point.
Did Rand give it to you?
Nudity and pornography are not
permitted on the school premises.
There's no nudity or pornography!
Minimal.
You have Satan French-kissing
the President of the
United States of America!
It's a parting embrace before
the moment of damnation.
The climax of a modernist dance.
I think when all is said and done,
you will find it quite moving.
Trust me, I won't.
We're 10 days away.
Things are in motion.
Art is happening.
Well, stop it.
You can't stop art.
You're shut down, Marx!
No, you are. You are.
You never believed in
me, Daddy! I hate you!
We're putting this play on, and if
you don't like it, then tough titties,
you ass-turd
monkey-fucker!
Oh, my God!
Let me see.
Oh, Shue.
How do you keep your head held
high when people keep throwing
steaming piles of crap in your face?
I know, I know.
That's why I got out of the business.
Well, fuck you, too.
I have to elevate it.
It's not broken and,
yes, I will still be able
to play any and all musical instruments.
I have to tell you something.
I'm pregnant.
Really?
Are you shitting me?
No, no.
Christ in a basket,
Dana. That's too tight.
And it will always be too tight.
I will never not hug this unborn baby!
It's like he's giving me hope.
Who?
God.
At this point, it felt to Dana
as if the air was
perfumed with possibility.
But just as Icarus flew
high on wings of wax,
oblivious to his impending doom,
so was poor, dear Dana Marschz.
Well, I'm lost.
Is blue the right color
for a controversial piece of
socio-political agit-prop theater?
I think blue makes people sad.
Yes, it does.
There's also orange.
Orange.
The color of fire.
Of ripe tangerines, of
the poet's harvest moon!
Glenn, we've done it!
Stop staring at me.
Okay, all right. Okay.
It's ridiculous. But I love it.
Okay, guys, I am pretty effing excited
to announce that the musical
accompaniment to our play
will be provided by the
Gay Men's Chorus of Tucson!
Just a steel-town girl
on a Saturday night
Looking for the fight of her life
In the real-time world
no one sees her at all
They all say she's crazy
Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing movement into light
She has danced into the danger zone
When the dancer becomes the dance
It can cut you like a knife
Hey, guys, thanks a lot for
donating your wire-work services.
It really helped out a lot.
When did you guys get started?
We seen them Kill Bill
movies, like, 20 times,
and we said, "Shit, we got some wire,
"we got some harnesses."
So we get to work in the backyard,
and next thing you know,
we're in show business.
So this is your first attempt?
Yes, sir.
Now hold on, girl.
Three, two, one.
That's cool.
Okay. So this is the Danish
castlelporno theaterltime machine.
It's fantastic.
I don't know what it means, but I
think it's the best set I've ever seen.
Yeah? Yeah.
Who said shop class was useless?
I don't know.
Wait, somebody said that?
It's a figure of speech.
Hey, M. Hey.
Hey, my buddy's meth lab burned down.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, it's going to be some pretty
cherry footage for the play.
Well, excellent. Hey, girls.
Hey, Mr. Marschz. What?
I was thinking, what
if me and my whoadies
rolled up in low-riders
on stage in the third act?
That sounds kind of dangerous.
Yeah, maybe so.
Which is why I want to do it.
We are not making safe theater.
I'm in the wrong place.
Jesus Jones! Rocker's changed the locks.
That is the first shot across
the bow, boys and girls.
Just like that wonderful
film Master and Commander,
starring the terrifyingly real
Aussie badboy, Russell Crowe.
Five more seconds.
Okay, Chuy, breaking and entering
is neither cool nor terrific.
But we got shit to do.
Hey, you get off school
property in the next 10 seconds
or I'm gonna have the
Tucson police department
so far up your ass you're
gonna wish you were a girl.
"What about Hamlet 2
could possibly offend
"Principal Rocker to such a degree?
"Or is offense the offense at all?
"Truth is a nebulous commodity.
"As Roland Barthes tells us, 'Multiple
perspectives cannot ever coalesce."'
Does anybody know what this means?
Did you see this article in the paper?
We're already reading it, woman.
Not the school paper. The News Press.
I stole it from Starbucks.
You really think you're
street, don't you?
Don't fuck with me, homey! I'll cut you.
I liked you better when you
were an uptight racist bitch.
Oh, my God.
"Why is the school board
afraid of this man?"
That's a picture of me.
I was an extra in an
Al Jazeera TV movie.
I regret it now, but
what a fun bunch of guys.
Dana Marsha?
Marschz. Yes?
Consider yourself served.
Thank you.
What a nice man. A smile costs nothing.
Oh, shit, this is a cease and
desist order from the school board.
What does that mean?
That means you can be arrested
for putting on this play.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey,
mister, un-serve me!
All right, mystery man.
Why have you brought us here?
Yeah.
Yeah, why?
This is Joy Junction.
You know, that positive ionic flow.
Jean-Paul, the crew, Burning
Man, the lunar cycle, yeah.
So?
Yeah, yo.
Yeah, yo.
Okay, you started to say something
and didn't finish your sentence.
You didn't? No, no, you.
No, I know you.
No, N-O, "no."
No, no, more yes. You know, less no.
Okay, I'm a little cuckoo-bananas here.
Look, they throw parties here.
The promoters are at Burning Man.
We can use the space.
Oh!
He does lighting and stuff
like that. See Vitamin J,
he acts like a huge dumbass,
but he really knows what he's doing.
Let there be light.
Ah! My eyes!
Mr. Marashka?
Who? It's Marschz. Yes.
Cricket Feldstein, American
Civil Liberties Union.
We spoke on the phone.
The ACLU.
Oh, I thought you were a
talent agent, like UTA or CAA.
But totally not disappointed.
If you're wondering about the
Feldstein, I married a Jew.
It's my understanding
that there are forces
trying to stop you from
performing Hamlet 2.
You received a cease and desist order
in regards to this performance?
Yes.
I think we have a First Amendment
case on our hands, Mr. Marashka.
It's Marschz. You really think so?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
No one is shutting down this play.
The Justice Department and
the so-called Supreme Court
can suck my balls.
What do they have to
do with this? My balls?
No, the other thing.
I'm a short blond chick,
but I play to the death.
I pick cases that I can
win because I wanna win big.
Cases with controversy and headlines
and steaming piles of
shit flying left and right.
Mostly left. How's that sound?
Fine.
Are you on my side? Yes.
Great, let's do it! Okay then.
Do I need to sign anything?
No, don't sign anything!
I think the play's gonna be really good.
It's irrelevant.
Okay.
Goddamn gravel! The
bane of my existence!
Brights!
Oh, my God!
Shut down that piece of shit play.
Bruised, but not broken.
Turns out my play has
divided the community,
but I shall not be deterred.
Dana.
Hang on, I'm going to
run myself a big bath.
Dana. I have had, hands down,
the worst day ever.
Hey, there's no delicate
way of saying this except...
Except Gary and I are
together, and we're a couple,
and we're moving out now.
Yeah, I'm gonna run myself a big Arthur
- style bath with bubbles.
I'm sorry.
And I'm gonna put on my top hat,
and wish all my troubles
into a cornfield.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Didn't you hear what I just said?
Yes, I did, funny bunny.
Dana.
We're packed, we're leaving.
We're moving to San Diego.
God, I almost believe you.
Believe it!
But why? You're my wife.
Your wife is leaving you.
Gary and I have been getting
closer for a while now,
and turns out we are very compatible.
As long as he keeps
his mouth shut. Anyway.
Look, you've been so busy with
your play, and these things happen.
So, don't sweat it. It's...
You'll be much happier without me.
What about the baby?
The doctor told me a while ago
that you've been shooting blanks.
I should have said something.
That must mean...
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Brie, I'm starting to think
you are not a very nice person.
Just wake up, okay?
Left you a protein shake in the fridge.
Gary, let's go.
It's strawberry.
Electric and phone
bills are right there,
and the rent's due on Thursday.
Good luck with the play.
You really will be
better off without me.
Come on.
She's a maniac
Maniac on the floor
And she's dancing like
she's never danced before
Oh, boy.
Fuck!
Hey, what's cheap and strong?
Grain alcohol.
I feel like I'm in a cage.
And I feel like Nicolas
Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.
Starring my good friend, Elisabeth Shue.
$8.40.
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
Can I use your bathroom?
No.
Hey, we got the TVs.
There's a hundred sets in there, woman!
Where did you get them all?
Stole them from white folks, dawg.
I have to say something, guys.
I really think Mr. Marschz is bipolar.
Just like my cousin.
But she takes pills.
He's not bipolar. He's a freak.
Do you think he realizes that
every time he wears a dress
he's flashing his balls at us?
You know, where is he anyway?
He was supposed to
be here two hours ago.
Maybe he's out shopping for a dress.
He should buy some underwear.
Who do you think you are
talking like that, white girl?
I heard everything. I heard everything!
I haven't bought an item
of clothing in over 10 years
because I don't get paid for this job.
Did you know that?
I work for gas money,
which is why I skate.
That and the DUI.
My life is a parody of a tragedy!
My wife left me. Baby wasn't mine.
People are trying to run me over.
What are we supposed to do?
It doesn't matter.
We're not gonna get this play on.
We might as well give up now!
What?
He works for gas money?
That is so sad.
Mr. M!
Mr. M!
What happened?
Get away from me, you devil bitches.
Leave me to the vultures.
Pussy!
Yolanda.
You come in here and tell
us all to be artistic,
and put on your crazy-ass play,
and when things get a little
rough, you act like a fucking pussy?
Yolanda, you don't say much, but
when you do, it sure packs a wallop.
She's right!
Okay, you've had a pretty
bad day, I'll give you that.
But that doesn't mean you give up.
Why not?
Nobody cares.
Yeah, we do.
I don't want your pity.
Man, you keep talking about
making us extraordinary.
That's from Dead Poets.
Well, you're teaching us
something really important.
I am? What is it?
It doesn't matter how
much talent we lack,
as long as we have enthusiasm.
That's truth. Because I lack talent.
The football team, the wrestling team
and all the seniors are
gonna be like security
and kick the asses of anyone
who tries to stop this play.
Yeah. And I got some friends
to watch the parking lot
just in case we have any
trouble, you know what I'm saying?
And we're also sold out.
What?
Mr. M, you're not getting it.
Like, all the tickets were bought.
Channel 5 is coming.
And I got a call from one
of Elton John's people,
something about permission.
And there was a message from
this guy at the New York Times.
Mr. M,
we don't wanna give up.
I just get scared.
Every time I try to go for something,
my heart gets stomped
on like a baby kitten.
That's no reason to give up.
Maybe it is. No, it's not.
Help him up.
Let's go to work.
Okay, hey, guys, my skate is stuck.
I'm such a dick.
Wait, what are you doing? Let go of me.
I'm not interested in this
monkey-spunk play. Come on!
Ticket holders only.
This event is sold out.
If you don't have a ticket,
get the fuck out of my face.
I am revoking permission
for my son to appear tonight.
I am, too.
And so am I.
But why now?
I heard the play was disgusting.
How can you say that
if you haven't seen it?
What about this Sexy Jesus song?
I mean, that's just disrespectful.
Look, it's about if Jesus
came to Earth in modern times,
he would have to market
himself like a celebrity.
It's very thoughtful.
That's an oversimplification, but...
I don't care to see my son
used as a political pawn!
I'm doing this play for my own reasons.
You know, according to the
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals,
if you sign a consent form,
that means you're giving consent.
And you can't take that form back,
you can't take your signature off it.
You signed it, you signed consent.
So end of deal, okay. End of story.
Sorry, you guys, but
you totally gave consent.
You don't control our kids!
Wake up call! You
don't control your kids!
Now get out of my performance space,
before I have security,
a.k.a. the 2nd Avenue Angels,
remove your sorry asses.
How did you get the balls to do that?
I'm still a little drunk.
What if I have to go to the bathroom?
Okay, I'll just piss on
your pretty little gym shoes.
Welcome to West Mesa High
Drama's final performance.
If you are moved by tonight's work,
please go forward and
support arts education...
Eat shit and die, you tramp.
Let go of me! Hey, hands off!
And please take this opportunity
to turn off all cell phones.
It's the celestial message.
The portal to infinity is wide open.
Yeah! Fuck yeah!
Look. I studied French at Vassar.
I'm not getting any of this.
Well, can you give us an update?
Free speech is alive and well in Tucson,
so go and tell the mundo.
I think it's going terrific.
Are people still walking out?
Mr. Marschz,
this is the most important theatrical
event in the history of Tucson.
I have to be a part of it.
Rand, that is a very brave
and generous thing to...
Piff took the fries.
I've been going to a
shrink five days a week
and I started on anti-depressants
and I'm much more
comfortable with my sexuality.
I'd be happy to play
Laertes as bi-curious.
That's wonderful!
And I forgive you.
Okay. Stop it. Go get changed.
Okay.
Sometimes I feel like
I'm drifting in space
I think my heart-soul
is falling from grace
Therapy's taken me to a better place
So why do I feel, why do I feel
Why do I feel like I've
been raped in the face?
Raped in the face?
Maybe it's buried emotions
Or maybe the wrong medication
I simply go through the motions
They say I need a vacation
I really do feel like a sexual victim
With dark memories of a rigid dictum
This is disgusting! Shut up!
This means I love you, he murmured
This will be our little secret
You'll wind up horribly murdered
If you should dare not to keep it
I know the topic of rape isn't nice
Don't bring it up when
you're breaking the ice
Is that why you are so quick to decline
To hear this oral fixation of mine?
My head spins like a
wheel As I make this appeal
If I'm lost then I'll
squeal It's a pretty raw deal
When they force you to
kneel Holy fuck, it's so real
When you're being
Raped in the face
He's totally the man
The man with the plan
He traveled through time
in an awesome custom van
Moralistically, he taught us to be good
How to set our souls free
And do all the shit we should
Now we do the right deeds
We go to church and such
And we stopped smoking weed
Well, at least not as much
And we can't forget to
mention The golden rule
Do unto others as you would have them
Slam, bam, spank you, ma'am
Do unto you!
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
You're so hot! My God, I love you!
I wanna party with you, Jesus.
Jesus.
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
You died for our sins
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
I'm simultaneously
horrified and fascinated.
We're really amazed
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
Blasphemy! Blasphemy!
All night long
He lays down science,
really blows my mind
But he's also got abs that
transcend space and time
He's the son of God,
and I think that's cool
But he's got a swimmer's
bod like nobody do
Blasphemy! Go back to your seat.
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
He died for our sins
You've got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Immaculate conception
really makes my day
But the dude's got lats
that make me feel gay
"Turn the other cheek"
is really showing class
But I really think it's sexy
when he kicks Satan's ass
Kicks Satan's ass!
Kicks Satan's ass!
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
That's the crane.
He died for our sins
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
Wait, I totally get it.
Jesus kicks the devil's ass.
But it's still disrespectful.
You got to believe us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Surf's up, dudes.
Hey, mister.
Oh, my God, it's Jesus!
Oh, my God! Jesus!
He's walking on water!
Jesus H. Christ!
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
We're really amazed
You got to believe us
His moralistic ways Totally ease us
His zen zing zang is gonna appease us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
His holiest of ways
Ain't never gonna leave us
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus
All night long
Rock me, sexy
All night long
Rock me, sexy
Yeah, yeah, yeah
All night long
But it's supposed to
be intermission now.
We can't have intermission.
The fire department is trying
to evacuate the building.
Everyone, keep going!
When I think of those East End lights
Muggy nights
The curtains drawn in
the little room downstairs
Jesus, come on.
Coming.
Prima Donna lord you really
should have been there
You ready? Yeah.
Where are we going?
33 AD.
Got it!
Hold on! Okay.
And it's one more beer and
I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling
round the basement floor
You know, Hamlet, you
must forgive your father
the abuse you suffered.
You know, sometimes even I feel
like my father's forsaken me.
Really?
Good luck.
Thanks, Jesus.
You got my cell number? Yeah.
Okay.
My dad finds out what I've been
up to, he's gonna crucify me.
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Oh, Laertes, therein lies the rub.
If we use my time machine, then we
could save thy sister, thy father,
my dear mother, Queen Gertrude.
Not to mention the King.
Your madness must not unwatched go.
That is excellent wire-work!
I never realized the passing
hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging
in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your
haunted social scene
It was poison!
Just a pawn out-played
by a dominating queen
It's 4.00 in the morning
Damn it, listen to me good
Watch it.
You watch it, Nacho Bell Grande!
Why are you trying to fuck
with me all the time, bitch?
I'll show you why, vato.
Someone saved my life tonight
Sugar bear
Sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me
That's my cue!
Didn't you, dear?
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away
Fly away, bye-bye
You have no documentation, no
ID, your badge isn't visible,
and you accidentally grazed my boob
when you tried to walk past me.
I could put you away for
a year, you fire-fucker.
You wanna hit me? Hit me!
I would love it if you hit me.
'Cause I'm married to a
Jew, I got nothing to lose.
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Ophelia, will you marry me?
Yes!
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved, someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
I'm sorry, son.
I forgive you, Father!
I was molested as a child.
Maybe that's why I'm so angry.
I forgive you. Father, I forgive you.
I forgive you. I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Wow.
What's going on?
Wow, there's a great energy in here.
I'm suing everybody!
This isn't over.
I want you out of this community.
This play's offensive!
Well, I'm sorry!
No, no, no, don't do that!
That's offensive, too!
Jack Wiggum, please.
Jack, it's Elisabeth.
I'm ready to act again.
Shue. It's Elisabeth Shue.
Mr. Marschza? It's Marschz.
My name is Ron Kantor.
I'm with the New York Times.
I was quite taken with your play.
Oh, thank you.
I was very moved when
Hamlet forgave his father.
Great!
What about when I forgave my father?
A penny for your thoughts.
I was just thinking about all those
voices saying, "You can't do it,"
and, "You're a loser."
Well, that's psychosis.
You know, I had a feeling...
No, I mean actual voices,
like my ex-wife, the school,
pretty much everyone.
Well, everyone and their brother
wants a piece of your genius ass now.
Is it true that Jeremy effing
Irons wanted to do your play
and you turned him down?
"Oh, Dana, for fuck's sake,
please let me do your play."
It takes a real set
of low-hangers, mister.
He won't even let me be in
it, and I'm his girlfriend.
I wanna preserve the original cast.
Artistic integrity!
And, yes, he does have a
real set of low-hangers.
Oh, how romantic.
Well, this play is
gonna bitch-slap Broadway
like a cheap hooker at a gang-bang.
Yeah.
You know, and those
Bible-humping protesters
can suck a bag of dicks,
'cause all they ended up doing
was giving you free publicity.
Yeah, and did you see my dressing room?
It has a bidet.
That was a sink.
It was?
Hey, it's Mr. M. Hi!
Hey. Hi.
Hey, Mr. M. New York's pretty cool.
Compared to Tucson.
You know, Chuy, you're
gonna have a magical life.
Because no matter where you go,
it will always be better than Tucson.
Come on.