Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) Movie Script
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Billy Boy!
Get your ass ready!
It's almost 5:00, and this bad boy
needs to get his drink on.
- No, no, no. Give me that.
- Don't.
- I'm gonna burn it once and for all.
- Stop that.
Dude, it's been six months.
It's time to move on, okay?
Whatever. Even if
I wanted to meet other women,
I wouldn't even know what to do.
I've been out of the game
for so long.
Dude, you come out with me tonight,
I promise you will get laid.
Yeah, it sounds very tempting,
but Berenson needs me to update
these financial models
for the meeting
with the foreign investors.
So what?
It's Friday night.
The Germans are taking
an early flight back.
The meeting got changed
to tomorrow.
So? Why don't you
just get somebody else
to do your work for you?
Who?
Harold, I need you to update
those models for me.
- Billy, aren't you supposed to...
- I know. Something just came up.
I have this meeting
with these new clients tonight,
and I'm never gonna have time
to get to those.
So that's your
responsibility now, big boy.
Make sure those are in
by 9:00 sharp tomorrow.
With all the downsizing
that's been going on around here,
we wouldn't want to have to tell Berenson
you've been slacking, now would we?
Yeah.
Okay, no problem.
Hey.
You have a great weekend,
okay, buddy?
I owe you one.
Just one.
Thank you.
Wow! That was amazing.
I cannot believe how easy that was.
Dude, how do you think
I get all my shit done?
I'm telling you, those Asian guys
love crunching numbers.
You probably
just made his weekend.
Chick magnet
Chick magnet. Chick magnet
Chick magnet. Yeah
Fuck.
An excellent point, Mr. Patel.
You are one of the finest applicants
I have ever interviewed.
Thank you.
It comes as no surprise. Your father
is highly respected in his field.
As you probably heard
from your old man,
he and I had some pretty wild times
back in med school.
Really?
Yeah. We started
our own basketball team...
the Hemoglobin Trotters.
Hemo-globin Trotters...
get it?
A play on the name of the famous
colored, Negro basketball squad...
black, African-American.
You know, people of colors.
Let's end up with one final question,
just as a formality.
What are some potential
symptoms of pancreatitis?
Well, you would have
epigastric tenderness,
diffuse abdominal tenderness...
I'm sorry.
Can you hold on one second?
Kumar's phone.
Kumar speaking.
Hey, what's up? It's me.
What are you doing?
Nothing important. I can talk.
What's going on?
Listen, I can't party tonight, okay?
I gotta stay late at the office.
Dude, fuck that shit.
We had plans.
I know, but I got
a lot of work to do.
When has getting high ever
prevented you from doing your work?
Jesus!
Believe me.
I would love to come home. Okay?
- I got a lot of work to do.
- Thank you. I'll do that.
I got a quarter of the
finest herb in New York City.
I'm not smoking
that shit alone, okay?
So you need to just chill the fuck out
and prepare to get blazed
because in the next couple of hours,
I expect both of us to be
blitzed out of our skulls, got it?
All right, I got it.
I'll talk to you later.
Where was I?
We've got the severe anal discharge,
sometimes violent... a.k.a. Diarrhea.
Mr. Patel, I am more than familiar
with diarrhea.
Do you actually believe
after the way you've just behaved
that I would ever even consider
recommending you for admission?
No. I'm gonna
be honest with you.
The only reason I'm applying
is so my dad
will keep paying for my apartment.
I really don't have a desire
to go to med school.
But you have perfect MCAT scores.
Yeah. Just 'cause you're
hung like a moose
doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Get out! Bernadette,
show this young man to the door!
And please bring in
some fresh diarrhe... dry towels!
Yes!
Right in front of the door.
This is America, dude!
Learn how to drive!
Better "ruck" tomorrow!
- Extreme!
- Fucking assholes.
Fuck.
Okay.
Be yourself.
Don't be nervous.
So, Maria, what's been goin' on?
I actually had a very long week
at work. How about you?
Work was good.
I caught up on some sleep.
Plus, the guy who works next to me
decided to bathe for a change.
Really?
So what are you up to tonight?
Actually, I'm just gonna
be sitting on my ass,
probably eat a whole pint
of Haagen-Dazs
while I watch Blind Date.
Well, that sounds awful.
If you want some company,
maybe you can come over
and sit on your ass at my place.
That sounds nice.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Kumar.
Yo.
Yo, Kumar.
Yo, I'm in here, dude.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
I'm trimming my pubes.
Why aren't you
doing this in your room, man?
The mirror's in here.
Hey, check it out. It's like a bonsai tree.
Hey!
Besides, man, it makes
your johnson look totally bigger.
Please!
Are those my scissors?
Dude, I trim my nose hair with those!
Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair
with them for the past six months.
Get out!
Get out of my room.
Kumar. It's Daddy.
I hope your interview
today was good.
I'm calling to remind you
that you have another one tomorrow
with Dr. Wein from Cornell
at 10 a.m. Do not be late.
- Hook it up, bi-yatch.
- Let's do it.
Fuck!
In tonight's top story.
A cheetah escaped earlier today
from the Morristown Zoo.
Oh, nice.
Sixteen Candles is on, man.
And the award for the least
heterosexual statement
ever made in this apartment
goes to... Harold Lee.
Come on down, man.
Take a bow.
Shut up, man.
It's a classic.
It's a very beautiful story
about someone
who feels unnoticed,
unappreciated, unloved, you know?
- Turn it.
- It's a good one, though.
Homo.
Come on. Dude.
Just take one hit.
Don't you wanna be cool?
Hey. Man.
What are you doin'?
I'm so high!
Nothing can hurt me.
No!
- Marijuana kills.
- I love that shit.
We're so high right now.
We're not low.
Dude, I don't know about you,
but I'm fuckin' hungry as balls.
No shit, dude.
Let's eat.
No, I don't feel
like delivery tonight.
- What about KFC?
- We've been there too many times.
I want something
we haven't had in a while.
Something different,
something that'll really hit the spot.
I want the perfect food.
Are you hungry?
Then come to White Castle
and try our Slyder Special...
Six burgers. Fries.
And a soft drink for only $2.99.
Imagine all those burgers
in your stomach right now.
Don't you like food
that's tasty and delicious?
I do.
Then what are you waiting for?
Head over to White Castle.
It's what you crave.
You sure you know
how to get there?
I haven't been
to White Castle in ages.
Dude, I'm telling you, there's one right by
that multiplex in New Brunswick.
Nice.
- Rosenberg!
- Goldstein!
Yo, Manny and Shevitz, get up.
We're going to White Castle.
No, we're watching
The Gift on HBO.
No, no, no.
No watching. We're starving.
Hey, put that back.
No eating until we get
to White Castle. Let's roll.
Sorry, kids,
we ain't going nowhere.
Supposedly Katie Holmes
shows her titties in this movie.
Is that all you Jews
ever think about... tits?
Katie Holmes is a nice,
respectable, wholesome girl.
And I'm gonna see her boobs.
The things I would eat
out of her ass... you have no idea!
That is
a completely vulgar statement.
So is "I want to bang Britney Spears
on the bathroom floor."
But it's true.
Touche.
Hey, listen, if...
I think Kumar's a faygele.
They're totally gay for each other.
- Hey, you wanna suck on this?
- Uh-huh.
What the hell are you
bringing your bag for?
Try to get some work done
in the car.
- Here, you're driving.
- Shit, I forgot my cell phone.
You wanna run back and get it?
No, we've gone too far.
Hey, there's your girlfriend.
You gonna talk to her this time,
or are you gonna be
a Vagina McGinastein about it?
What the hell are you doing?
You could've asked her if she wanted
to come to White Castle with us.
- Hold the elevator. Wait!
- Hey, how are...
You're worthless.
I'm not worthwhile.
Just fucking talk to her once.
It won't be weird anymore.
Look, it doesn't matter.
The only girls who are interested in me
are girls I have no interest in.
Like Cindy Kim.
Speaking of Cindy,
she called earlier.
One of those Asian clubs she's in
is throwing a party at her dorm tonight.
God, she invites me to everything.
So what? She's kind of fuckin' cute.
Let her touch your penis.
Oh, look.
It's the Brothers McFag.
Let me guess... the one
with the purse is the catcher.
Come on, guys, let's get ourselves
some fucking Mountain Dew.
Extreme!
Yeah, extreme assholes.
Why do I
have to be the catcher?
Dude, forget about those pricks.
Let's just get some food.
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat,
like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers
and raise you 5 orders of fries.
Dude, give me 35 cents.
What's going on?
It didn't register.
- What?
- Give me 35 more cents.
- I don't have any more change.
- Should I just go through?
No, no, I don't like
breaking the law.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, move your ass!
- I'm sorry. Hold on.
- I'm going through.
No, don't.
No. No. Hold on.
Let me walk to a manned tollbooth
and I'll tell them what happened.
- Sorry!
- Move, you fuckin' twat!
- What's the fuckin' holdup here?
- Shit.
Move, you retarded cocksucker!
Move!
- Are you crazy?
- What?
What are you doing?
Why you throwing the weed out?!
- The cops are gonna catch us.
- No, they're not. Not for that.
- Take this exit.
- What?
- Take this exit!
- No!
Dude!
You know,
that was the last of our weed.
Sorry. I get a little
paranoid sometimes.
Now we're in Newark,
of all places.
You know we're
gonna get shot.
Maybe it's not as bad as they say.
Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Check it out. Those guys
look like a lame version of us.
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Let's get the fuck outta here.
- Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
- Yeah, that was your fault.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
Yo, check it out.
We're almost there.
Thank God. I'm starving.
- Hello, New Brunswick!
- Prepare to gorge yourself.
You know...
We need some tunage for this.
Presets. Use the presets.
Oh, come on, dude,
your whole life is preset.
Try something new.
Where is this place? Isn't it
supposed to be right around here?
- Chill. We'll find it.
- Wait a second... is that the multiplex?
- Yes.
- Sweet!
That means the White Castle
should be right around the corner.
What the hell
is going on, Kumar?
That does not look
like a White Castle to me.
Uh-uh.
Dude, we gotta check this out.
Hey, look here, fellas. You guys gonna
have to order from the drive-thru menu.
What happened to the White Castle?
What?
There used to be a White Castle
right here in this location.
Where is it?
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, guys,
but Burger Shack, they bought
this location about four years ago.
God!
Please tell me there's
another White Castle in town.
- No.
- Are you sure?
Do I look like the kind of brother
that would be unsure
about something like that?
Shit!
What are we gonna do?
I don't know, man.
Should we just eat here?
Hey. Psst.
There's a White Castle that's
open 24 hours up in Cherry Hill.
It's about
I can make the trip
if you're willing to.
Kumar, I got a shitload
of work to finish.
You got that
med school interview.
Forget about the med school
interview. It's a non-issue.
What do you mean
it's a non-issue?
Ding-dong!
May I interject for a second?
As a Burger Shack employee
for the past three years,
if there's one thing I've learned,
it's that if you're craving White Castle,
the burgers here
just don't cut it.
In fact, just thinking about those
tender little White Castle burgers
with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions
that just explode
in your mouth like flavor crystals
every time you bite into one...
...just makes me want
to burn this motherfucker down.
Come on, Pookie,
let's burn this motherfucker down!
Come on, Pookie!
Let's burn it, Pookie!
Let's burn this
motherfucker down!
Let's burn it down!
Let's burn it!
So you guys maybe should just
suck it up and go to White Castle.
You can always get
your work done in the car.
- Let's do it.
- All right. Awesome.
Then listen, listen... no matter what,
we are not ending this night
without White Castle
in our stomachs.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
Wise choice.
You guys might have
wanted to stay away
from our special sauce tonight.
Me and Pookie,
we added a secret ingredient.
I'll give you a hint.
It's semen.
Semen.
Animal semen.
Dude, remember when Goldstein
used to work at that burger place?
This is the most fucking confusing
movie I've ever seen...
she's possessed,
she's not possessed.
Dude, that rack better be stacked.
- Tits! Tits!
- Boobies, boobies, boobies.
Holy shit! Whoa!
Those aren't real.
Yes, they are.
You know, I'm almost
completely sober right now.
I wish we had some more weed.
Sorry.
Princeton.
- We're getting off here.
- Why?
Because we're gonna sweet-talk
Cindy Kim into finding us some weed.
- No.
- Why not?
You talk to her on the phone
all the time.
She calls me.
Then she rambles on
about her East Asian
Students Club or whatever.
Then I have to actually pretend
that I give a shit
or else she calls me a Twinkie.
A what?
Twinkie... yellow on the outside,
white on the inside.
Look, you Twinkie bitch,
you were the one that threw
our weed out the window, okay?
So we're going to Princeton,
and it's your responsibility
to make sure we're high as shit
by the time
we're eating those burgers.
Forget it.
End of discussion.
I am not seeing Cindy Kim.
Harold, I'm so glad
you showed up.
Yeah, me too.
Did you like the hibiscus petals
I glued to the envelope I sent you?
Yeah, they were nice.
Hey, dude, you know
where I can get some green?
Dude, you know where
I can get some chronic?
Jesus, what the hell kind of
lvy League school is this?
Man.
Over here, man.
You lookin' to toke up?
- Yes.
- Yes?
Thank Christ. Just give me
a dime of your finest sticky.
You wanna see
sticky-icky, my friend?
Oh, my God!
Whoa, man!
Don't touch, man.
That's not cool.
You can't...
Jeez! This is my baby!
Yes?
Kenneth Park,
class of 2004.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is it true you're an analyst
for Brewster Keegan?
Yes, I'm a junior analyst.
Awesome!
I told you, he's good.
- Yes.
- This is actually a two-part question.
I'm applying for a summer
internship at Brewster Keegan.
I was wondering, a) what's it like
being an investment banker,
and b) would you write me
a recommendation?
Here. That's sixt... 80 bucks.
- 80 bucks?
- Yeah, 80 bucks.
Yo, this is worth 40 tops, bro.
"Bro"?
I'm not your bro, bro.
Okay, and that's 80 bucks.
You don't feel like
getting high tonight?
If you don't feel like getting high,
that's cool with me,
because there's lots of people
around here. See this guy?
Hey, loser.
Hey, what's up, George?
I smoke buds with George all the time.
What kind of hippie are you?
What kind of hippie am I?
Man, I'm a business hippie.
I understand the concept
of supply and demand.
"What's it like
being an investment banker?"
To be honest with you,
it's actually pretty aw...
...awesome.
Excellent!
As for the recommendation,
I guess I can make a couple calls.
Actually, Harold, we should
be getting to the party.
We can discuss all this stuff
on the way there.
- It's just down the hall.
- Okay.
I'm sorry. I can't go.
I have to wait for Kumar.
You'll see him when we're done.
Trust me,
you're gonna love this.
Kenny's mom dropped off
a big pot of kimchi jigae.
It's really good.
It's delicious.
Yeah?
That's nice.
- 80 bucks, okay?
- Okay.
- Hello.
- Are you guys about to smoke?
Yes, we're gonna smoke. Do you
wanna come back to my place?
Please, like they want to go listen
to a bunch of Phish records
while you read
your lame-ass poetry.
Girls, you guys wanna hang out,
maybe smoke a little weed
and have some fun?
- All right.
- All right.
My poetry's not lame.
It's really good.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- It's great.
We're gonna eat before this gets cold.
What you say we meet back
in our room in about 20 minutes?
We're in room 109.
I'll see you ladies later, huh?
Yes!
you ladies later. Yes!
We're getting laid, bro.
All right, I'll see you there, man.
Roldy, dude,
you gotta come quick.
There's these two filthy pussies
just aching to get boned by us.
I mean, there are these two
very lovely young pussies
who would like to have
a chat with you and I.
Sorry. Harold's coming with us.
That's bullshit. He's coming with me.
Isn't that right, Roldy?
- Let's go to the party.
- No, no, no. Fuck that.
Here. This is Harold's understudy.
You can do whatever you want.
Roldy, let's go.
Sorry.
I can't believe you were gonna
ditch me for the Joy Luck Club.
You know what their parties are like.
What do you want me to say?
I was under pressure.
Just say no.
That's all it takes. Here.
All right, take a hit of that.
What's going on up there?
Barracuda to Sparrow,
Barracuda to Sparrow.
We got two high-fliers
on level three.
I just wanna talk!
Dude, in here, in here.
Women!
What if someone
finds us in here?
Chill the fuck out. He's not gonna
look for us in the girls' bathroom.
Shit! Come here.
It worked on me. There's no reason
it shouldn't work on you.
But your breasts look beautiful.
I just want those
cute little ping-pong breasts.
You know, that kind of go...
Hurry up because I want
to go smoke weed
with that dishy Indian guy.
It's gonna be a few minutes.
I'm about to have
the worst case of taco shits.
Oh, God.
Great, I think I've got
to go, too.
Hey, Clarissa, do you want
to play battle shits?
- Oh, my God!
- Battle shits?
We haven't played that
since back at camp.
I know, I know.
Wait for it.
Hit.
Scag! You sank my destroyer!
Fuck!
I can't take it anymore!
Christy, are you still there?
Damn! You sank my battle shit!
Shit.
Dude!
She said in 20-10?
Have you seen
a Korean guy around here?
Yeah, only when
I open my eyes, though.
'Tard.
Yo, this party's bumpin'!
- Who wants some Buda?
- Yeah!
Holy shit! Kenneth Park,
class of 2004.
Dude, I'm thinking you really screwed up
by not coming to this party.
I screwed up?
Can we have some pot brownies?
I don't know.
I'm running a little low.
A titty flash might persuade me.
- Should we?
- I think you should.
Okay.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Hey, you!
Shit!
Hey!
- Hey!
- Let's get 'em! Halt!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Harold! Harold!
- No, no, no.
- Hey, dude!
- Come here!
Well, well, well.
- What do we have here?
- Oh, no! That's my baby!
Hold his throat and groin.
Come on, rookie.
Should we go back
for the weed?
Are you crazy?
Run! Run!
I can't believe it, man.
We were this close to getting laid.
Oh, dude,
you always exaggerate.
The diarrhea twins definitely
would have had sex with us.
What about Cindy? She was
looking kinda cute tonight, man.
Cindy's fine.
It's just...
- Just what?
- We...
Oh, you'd rather have Maria.
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm gonna end up with Cindy Kim
whether I like it or not.
Can we just drop this and get
our asses to White Castle, man?
Fine.
Maria.
What are you doing?
Daddy needs to urinate.
Hurry up!
I'm serious.
Don't take all night.
All right.
- Excuse me, I have to...
- Huh?
I have to ask you.
Why are you peeing right here?
What?
I mean, why'd you pee
right next to me
when you could choose
that bush or...
This is a good bush to pee on.
Why are you peeing on it?
Well, no one was here
when I chose this bush.
Oh.
So you get to pee on it
and no one else does? Huh?
- No, I just...
- This your bush?
You have a special bond
with this bush?
- No, I just thought that...
- You the king of the forest?
- I'm sorry?
- What?
Are you a fuckin' tree-hugger?
Is this your special bush?!
Never mind. Forget it. I really
don't feel like getting stabbed tonight.
Nice pubes.
Thanks.
Do you even know
where you're going?
I'm gonna be honest,
I'm a little lost, but, you know,
once we get back on the highway,
we'll be there soon, don't worry.
We'd better.
Shit. Now it's raining.
Put on your wipers.
What are you talking about?
It's just a little mist.
Yeah, mist,
hence the mist setting.
It's a safety issue, okay?
There we go.
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
What crawled up your ass?
I'm completely on edge
right now, man.
After all the shit that
we've been through tonight,
I don't know
how much more I can take.
Oh, shit! How the fuck
did that get in here?
Oh, shit!
He bit me!
I've got rabies!
Oh, my God!
Dude, get that fuckin'
cancer raccoon away from me!
Open my window!
Fuck you, raccoon!
What the Christ?
- Shit!
- Shit!
Jesus! You all right?
I don't know.
Shit.
Shit, dude,
he's coming over here.
Probably some old blind bitch!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- We're sorry. We're very sorry!
- Holy shit!
- Goldstein?
Dude, it's Rold and Kumar.
Shit. What's going on, man?
- What's up, dude? What's up?
- All right.
What the hell
are you guys doing here?
We got the munchies, so we
decided we'd go to Hot Dog Heaven.
How about you?
How was White Castle?
We haven't gotten there yet.
I think I may have rabies.
Yo, dude, how were
Katie Holmes' tits?
- You know the Holocaust?
- Yeah.
Picture the exact
opposite of that.
Nice.
Boy, do you need a girl.
If you guys
got the yellow fever,
there's a rockin' Asian party
down at Princeton.
Dude, I got the yellow plague.
There's nothing sexier
than a hot Asian chick!
Asian tits...
I wanna squeeze 'em!
Stop. Don't do that.
Please, do not touch me.
I'm very woozy.
I think I have to go
to the hospital.
You should go
to Beth Israel.
- We gotta hit up this Asian joint.
- No, we don't.
We got to go to Hot Dog Heaven.
No more detours along the way.
- This is what I'm dealing with.
- Come on!
I'm telling you,
hit up the Asian party.
Did you leave the key in the car
with the engine running?
Good luck.
You don't have rabies. We're not
going to a hospital. You're fine.
Uh... Yeah, I don't have rabies.
Great. Let's just
get out of here.
Hey, aren't those the guys
that got the shit kicked...
I know. I know.
Let's just go.
Just go.
Kumar.
- Hey, it's your dad and brother.
- Shit.
No wonder you didn't want
to go to the hospital.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Dr. Patel.
- What's up?
- Saikat. What's going on?
I hope you are here to apologize for
what you did in your interview today.
What the hell's
wrong with you, Kumar?
God! You're 22 years old.
When are you gonna grow up
and stop this
post-college rebel bullshit?
- Like your life is so hard.
- Eat my balls, Saikat.
I will not tolerate this
business from you any longer.
You have one more
interview tomorrow morning,
and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you
were anything short of spectacular,
I'll completely cut you off.
- Dad, come on.
- Daddy is not coming on anything.
You will be there,
and you will behave.
I have put too much time
and energy into you
to let you go
and fuck it all up!
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, guys.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Good.
I will speak with you tomorrow.
- Bye, Harold.
- Bye.
See ya.
Wow, man.
I guess you're going
to med school after all, eh?
Fuck that, dude.
Like I care what my dad thinks.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when he finds out I didn't go
to my interview tomorrow.
If he wants to cut me off, fine.
I don't need his money.
I don't understand.
You just hugged him.
Yeah, I just needed to get
my hands on this.
Access card.
Two words for you, bro...
medical marijuana.
No.
Oh, this is stolen.
If we get caught,
you are taking the blame.
This is not my idea.
We're not gonna get caught, okay?
We're gonna go get baked
and then go eat just like we planned.
Now, just calm down.
- We gotta find the pharmacy.
- Dr. Patel!
Thank God I found you.
We have an emergency.
Nurses, I need these two doctors
scrubbed, gloved,
and ready for the O.R. Stat!
- What the hell is going on?
- He probably thinks I'm my brother.
Just don't worry about it.
Leave the talking to me.
It's a godforsaken bloodbath.
The patient was brought in
by EMS five minutes ago.
As you can see, we have
three horrific gunshot wounds.
It's a good thing
I found you two.
All the other surgeons
are working on other patients.
No, there's been a mistake.
What Dr. Lee is trying to say
is that we need to sedate the patient...
...or he could go into cardiac arrest.
- All right, I'll get the anesthesiologist.
Hang on a second, nurse. What we
should probably use is marijuana.
That'll sufficiently
sedate the patient for surgery.
Marijuana?
But why?
We don't have time for questions.
We need marijuana now,
as much of it as possible!
Like a big bag of it.
But, Doctor, we don't have
marijuana in this hospital.
Shit.
Oh, shit!
This guy's gonna die!
Doctor, you've got to do something
or we're gonna lose him!
I'm gonna do this
the old-fashioned way.
Start the nitrous.
Give me two large-bore I.V. S
and start a Ringers lactate push.
Dr. Roldy, hold this.
More gauze, please.
- Doctor, the patient is desatting.
- Dude, he's desatting! He's desatting!
The patient has a collapsed lung.
I need a 14-gauge angiocath stat.
- That was genius.
- Thank you.
- Great job!
- You guys did it.
No, it's you.
- Sexy.
- What'd you say?
Nothing.
Sweet-pea.
The patient appears
to be stabilized.
- Good work, doctors, all around.
- Great. One of you clean this up, please.
- Put the chest tube in.
- Meow. You're moist.
- I'm not sweating anymore.
- You're glistening.
Soft and chocolate lips...
- Could I get a little dab here?
- Hush now, hush now.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you happen to know
how to get to the White Castle
in Cherry Hill from here?
Yeah. Take the 33 west
and take the Turnpike south,
and there you are.
I'm telling you, man,
that was amazing!
Even your dad would
have been impressed, man.
Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
This is perfect. We're back on the road,
we got directions, it stopped raining.
And guess what, man.
- I'm officially done with my work.
- Oh, yeah? Nice!
I'm telling you, dude,
things are finally starting to go our way.
Hey, dude, check it out...
Sixteen Candles.
Isn't that your favorite movie?
Wow, man, that's awesome!
Yo, look who decided
to go see it.
Holy shit.
See! You said you two
had nothing in common,
but you both have the same
lame taste in movies!
Shut up.
Hey, we should ask her if she
wants to come to White Castle.
No. No, no.
Forget about it. Just drive.
Dude, come on.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
We're an hour away from home,
and who do we see but your dream girl
standing across the street?
Just pretend you're a nerdy
Asian version of Tom Hanks
and she's a hot Latina Meg Ryan
with bigger tits.
The cars are going.
Can we go? How about that?
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me, Maria!
- What are you doing?
- Maria! Excuse me for a second!
Come here!
No! What the hell
are you doing?
Get your hand off the gas!
Shit!
- I'm stuck!
- Stop turning the wheel!
- I am stuck!
- What do you mean you're stuck?
Get unstuck!
- You asshole!
- Wha... wha...?
We could have seriously
injured ourselves, man!
Yo, don't blame me, genius.
I'm not the one who decided
to run us off the frickin' road, all right?
Let's just get
back on the highway, okay?
Fine with me.
It's not funny.
- Where's my spare tire?
- I don't know.
Where the hell
is my spare tire?
Oh, yeah!
Dude, remember that time
we got really stoned
and started throwing shit off
that bridge to see if it would float?
What bridge? I don't remem...
What are you talking about?
Oh, shit, that's right.
That was with Goldstein.
We borrowed your car
that night. My bad.
Your bad? What the hell
are we gonna do now?
- Hey!
- Hey! Excuse me!
- Hello! Over here!
- Excuse me!
You boys need some help?
Thanks for helping us out.
No problem at all.
I seen you two stranded
out there alone in the dark,
and I said to myself...
"What would Jesus do?"
Goin' down to Georgia
Gonna get myself baptized,
gonna get myself baptized
In the bosom of the Lord
Have you boys accepted Jesus
as your Lord and Savior?
- Yes.
- Yeah, he's great. Cool guy.
Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition!
Name's Randy,
but everybody calls me Freakshow.
My name's Kumar.
How are you, Kunie?
- This is Harold.
- Hi, Jerald. How are you?
So where exactly
are we going?
Don't you worry about that none.
We ain't too far from my place.
Once we get there, I'll have
your ride fixed up in a jiffy.
Check out those boils
on his neck.
You gotta look.
One of them's actually pulsating.
Shut up. He's right next to me.
He can hear you.
Now there's some sort of puss.
- It's disgusting!
- Shut up.
Just one little boil.
Just look at it.
See, isn't that the most disgusting
thing you've ever seen?
Do you think just
because you're whispering,
he can't hear
what you're saying?
He's two feet away from us.
He can hear this entire conversation.
He can hear me
talking right now.
Don't worry about it.
He can't hear anything...
not with all that crust in his ear.
I heard everything you said.
It's gonna take me a while
to fix up your car there,
so if you boys like,
you can go on inside,
get yourselves something
to drink, wash up,
fuck my wife, watch TV...
anything you want.
Mi casa es su casa.
Just don't do anything
the Good Lord wouldn't do.
Thank you.
We're gonna die.
He's going to kill us.
We're gonna die.
Dude, am I deaf, or did he just say
we get to fuck his wife?
He couldn't have said that.
Who cares?
You've seen Freakshow.
What do you think his wife
is gonna look like?
Oh, hi, boys.
I'm Freakshow's wife Liane.
Can I get you some pink lemonade?
Why don't you just go
have a seat in the living room?
I'll be back in a jiffy.
Thanks.
- Hot. Hot!
- Uh-huh.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, it's official.
We've entered the Twilight Zone.
- Dude, Liane is fucking hot.
- She's not ugly.
Here you go, boys.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
Liane, how are things between you
and Freakshow presently?
Oh! They've never been better.
We love each other so much.
I was just wondering,
how does a guy like Freakshow...
...end up with a girl like you?
Well, we met at choir practice
about four years ago.
Freakshow was really shy
back then, you know,
'cause of all his hideous boils
on his face and neck.
Sure, sure.
But he had
the most amazing voice,
like a baby canary.
The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what,
the devil, huh
The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what
After Easter service one day,
I told him how much I loved his solo
and he finally mustered up
the courage to ask me out.
We've been in love ever since.
So, are you boys gonna
fuck me now or what?
Rock, paper, scissors
to see who goes first. Ready?
- Rock, paper...
- Wait a second.
What about Freakshow?
What? You assume we don't
know how to have a good time?
I just...
Never mind.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Sorry, but if you boys want me,
you have to do me at the same time.
- Huh?
- Come on, give me the double stuff.
I'm not sure
we quite understand, Liane.
I want you both
inside me simultaneously.
- One hole or two?
- Whatever you want.
Sorry. No, thank you.
No, thank you.
Dude, if it's two holes,
it might not be that bad.
- Shotgun anus.
- Forget it!
I don't want our balls
rubbing against each other.
- What, are you kidding?
- No way! Forget it.
How about blow jobs?
Can we have blow jobs?
Well, okay.
Come here.
Okay. I'm going up there.
I wanna come, too.
- Think you could help me with this?
- You need help?
Okay, yeah.
It's a little sticky there.
- You can do it.
- Okay.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Do you wanna play with them?
Play with them.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay.
Let's do that.
Well, boys, I fixed your tire.
Hi, honey!
What in the hell
are you doing with my wife?
You said outside that
we could have sex with her.
Shit! Shit!
- I most certainly did not.
- Yeah, you did.
- I did not!
- You did.
- Oh, no, I didn't!
- You did, you did.
- You sure?
- You said it.
My mistake!
Freakshow.
Well, since we're all here...
...how about a foursome?
Who wants the first reach-around?
Okay, let's agree to never talk
about what just happened.
Agreed.
That's a very good idea.
Dude, I have no idea
where we are.
What?
- Is that a hitchhiker?
- What the hell?
- Should we pick him up?
- And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?
You know what? We're lost. He may
know how to get back on the highway.
Get back on the road.
This is my car.
We are not picking up
a hitchhiker, man.
Hey, guys, thanks
for picking me up.
Excuse me,
are you Neil Patrick Harris?
Yep.
- Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
- Holy shit.
Dude, Doogie Howser M. D. Was,
like, my favorite show growing up.
You were my idol.
That's great. Could we get going?
I'm bored as shit back here.
- Go, go.
- Let's go. This is a frickin' boring spot.
So I gotta ask you, Neil,
did you ever get it on
with Wanda off the set?
Dude, I humped every piece
of ass ever on that show.
Even the chick
who played the hot nurse?
No. I didn't go
all the way with her.
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know
how to get on the highway
from here, would you?
Dude, I don't even know
where the fuck I am right now.
I was at this party earlier tonight
and some guy hooked me up
with this incredible X.
The next thing I know, I'm being
thrown out of a moving car.
- I've been tripping balls ever since.
- That's crazy, dude.
We've been having
a pretty crazy night, too.
We've just been driving around
looking for White Castle,
but we keep getting sidetracked.
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me.
Forget White Castle.
Let's go get some pussy.
- Huh?
- It's a fuckin' sausage-fest in here.
Let's get us some poontang.
Then we'll go to White Castle.
No, Neil, you don't understand.
We've been craving
these burgers all night.
Yeah, I've been craving
burgers, too... fur burgers.
Come on, dudes, let's pick up
some trim at a strip club.
The Doogie line
always works on strippers.
Lap dance.
There's a gas station.
I'm gonna see if we can get directions.
We don't need...
Hurry up, dudes, hurry up.
I'm losing wood.
Hurry, hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Chill.
- We'll be right back, Neil.
We'll be back.
What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?
Why is he so horny?
I don't know, but we can't
let him interfere with our quest.
- Oh, God.
- Shit, these punks again.
Late-night Math League
meeting, homos?
Extreme!
Let's go.
No, no.
Pies, pies... no.
Dude, what is that?
Is that a pterodactyl?
I do not know what that is.
That was extreme, dude!
Excuse me, can you tell us how
to get to the highway from here?
Dude, I got this.
Dude, who knew learning Hindi
would actually pay off?
Guy says the highway is, like,
a couple traffic lights from here.
We should be in Cherry Hill
in ten minutes.
- Ready? One, two, three!
- No. No.
- No.
- Extreme kayaking!
No!
Extreme!
- No!
- Man, that was so fuckin' extreme!
On a scale of 1 to 10,
one being not so extreme
and ten being extremely extreme,
I give this a 9.5!
- Check it out!
- Extreme cheddar!
- Hey.
- Extreme cashier!
Somebody should do something.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, asshole!
Why don't you leave that guy alone
and go jerk off to some
snowboarding videos or something?
I didn't mean you
should do something about it.
What? You're gonna take that?
What's up with that? Huh?
You're gonna take that?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Shit!
- That's right, bitch!
You just try fuckin' with me
one more time!
Just try it!
Thank you, come again.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Kumar, you okay?
Yeah, dude,
I just hate those assholes.
You know what? Fuck it, I'm hungry.
Let's just get outta here.
Did Doogie Howser
just steal my fucking car?
Yes. I think he did.
You! You had to pick up
a hitchhiker! Why?!
Calm down.
Why did you leave
the keys in the car?
Why? Because
it would get stolen.
I figured that Neil Patrick Harris
was a trustworthy guy.
Come on. How was I supposed
to know he'd fuck us over?
This whole freaking night,
this whole night, is your fault!
- Where are you going?
- I'm going inside to call the police.
I don't want
to talk to you anymore.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
There's a pay phone
across the street
if you don't wanna
deal with those assholes.
After we talk to the cops, we're
still going to White Castle, right?
I'm not speaking to you.
When are they fucking going
to develop button technology
that will understand urgency?!
- Dude, this is ridiculous. Just walk across.
- It'll change in a second.
There's not a car in sight.
Just go ahead.
Fine. You want me to cross?
I will cross.
If it makes you happy,
I will cross.
I'll do it.
Shit!
- What...
- Sorry.
Is there a problem,
Officer Palumbo?
Is there a problem?
You ever heard of jaywalking?
Yes, I have. I'm really sorry.
Won't happen again.
That's great.
I'm writing you up a ticket.
A ticket?
Are you serious?
Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
Let me apologize
for my friend here. I'm very sorry.
I'm really glad you're here.
We've had a rough night.
You know the show
Doogie Howser M. D.?
Great show.
God, I love that show. "Doogie."
Neil Patrick Harris
stole my car tonight.
Hey, NPH wouldn't do that,
all right?
Give me some I.D.
Excuse me, how can you
give him a ticket for jaywalking?
It's 2:30 in the morning.
There's not a car around here.
Kumar, shut up.
That's not the kind of tone
you want to use
on a cop who can bust your ass.
- Bust my ass?
- Yeah, Koo-mar.
Bust your ass.
What kind of name
is that anyhow? Koo-mar.
What is that,
like, five O's or two U's?
No, it's actually one U.
Yeah, bullshit.
Whatever happened to good old
American names like Dave or Jim?
- Harold.
- Harold.
- Are you kidd...
- Now that's a great name.
- Let me take care of this.
- You should be proud of that name, son.
As you were, ladies.
- $220?! Are you crazy?!
- Kumar, if you don't stop...
No, I understand exactly
what's going on here.
Excuse me, officer, let me
take a couple of guesses.
- I'm really sorry...
- Get your hands down!
- Okay, alright.
- No sudden moves. Back it up!
You were probably the big asshole
in your high school, right?
Absolutely right.
Used to pick on guys like us
every day, right?
With pleasure.
Then graduation day came,
and we went to college,
and you went nowhere,
and you thought,
"Hey, how can I
still give them shit?
I know, I'll become a cop."
Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations.
Your dream has come true.
Now, why don't you just take
this quiet little Asian guy
with the Anglicized name
that treats you so well
and give him a couple
of other tickets?
- Better yet, just take him to jail.
- Better idea.
Why don't you just arrest him?
Does that work out for you okay, Harold?
- "Great American name, Harold."
- Let's go, Harold.
Thanks to your buddy,
we're going downtow...
Oh, shit.
Well, thank you so much for
being understanding about Bradley.
I promise you
he won't ever do it again.
I'm sure he won't.
Right, Brad?
Yes, sir,
Officer Palumbo, sir.
- Mommy, can we go home?
- Get in the car, Bradley Thomas.
Bye, Brad.
Are you gonna do
something about my car?
First our top story.
The search for the escaped cheetah
continues tonight.
It was last spotted
in Randolph County. South of...
- So what are you in here for?
- For being black.
Seriously.
I am serious.
You wanna know what happened?
I was walking
out of a Barnes & Noble,
and a cop stops me.
Evidently a black guy
robbed a store in Newark.
I told him, "I haven't even been
to Newark in months."
So, he starts beating me
with his gun...
...telling me to stop resisting arrest.
- Holy shit! What'd you do?
I kept saying,
"I understand I'm under arrest.
Now please stop beating me."
I don't understand how
you can be so calm about all this.
Look at me.
I'm fat, black, can't dance,
and I have two gay fathers.
People have been
messing with me my whole life.
I learned a long time ago that
there's no sense getting all riled up
every time a bunch of idiots
give you a hard time.
In the end, the universe tends
to unfold as it should.
Plus I have a really large penis.
That keeps me happy.
Hey, hey, listen up, guys!
Multiple gunshots
fired in Millbrook Park.
Finally, some action.
I'm goin'!
- No, I'm goin'!
- Lock and load!
That was strange.
What the hell was that?
Rold. Is that you?
- Kumar?
- Are the cops still here?
What the hell are you doing?
I just called and made up some story
about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
- Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?
- I'm fucking starving.
I figured I'd bust you out
and we'd go get some burgers.
Forget it. I'm not getting
into any more trouble.
I'm already in here because of you.
Hey, fuck you!
What did you want me to do,
stand there and take the hit?
You know I've never
taken a swing at you, ever.
Well, I never got your car stolen.
- Fine. I'm leaving.
- Fine.
- Harold, how do I get out of here?
- How the hell should I know?
Shit! Oh, God, this isn't good.
My ass!
Sure you don't want
to get out of here?
And become a fugitive?
Are you nuts?
- The guy has all my information.
- So what?
We'll just take what he
wrote down about you and leave.
Unless you want to
stay here all night
and not be able to
turn in your work tomorrow.
Fine, hurry up.
Yes! All right,
we gotta find keys.
Oh, yes!
Sweet! I was hoping it would
be one of these big ring of keys.
- Kumar, hurry the fuck up.
- All right, yeah.
- Yes!
- Dude!
- Hey, what's that smell?
- What smell?
Kumar.
If we still have time.
We might still get by
Every time I think about it
I wanna cry
With bombs and the devil.
And the kids keep comin'
No way to breathe easy.
No time to be young
But I tell myself
that I'm doin' all right
There's nothin' left
to do at night
But go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy.
Crazy on you
Crazy on you
Bitch! Learn how to fuckin'
make coffee, you fuckin' whore!
Let me go crazy.
Crazy on you
I love you.
No, no, no.
No, baby, come on.
Hey, Kumar. Kumar!
Where are you...
Kumar!
Still in jail, asshole!
Come here!
Kumar! The cops...
You thought you'd
get away with it, huh?
I was in bed.
I didn't fire any gun. I swear.
Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!
What are you talking about?
I'm just sitting here.
He's trying to break free!
Get him!
- Aw, shit.
- Don't move!
Stop resisting!
We need backup now!
- He's got a gun.
- That's not a gun, that's a book.
- Secure the book!
- Book is secure.
You bring this filth in here?
What is this shit?
Wait, wait. We gotta
do something about this.
We're gonna teach you
how to read now, brother.
If I were you, I'd leave
as soon as possible.
- Whose hand is that?
- Thanks, man.
Jesus Christ.
Thanks for getting me out, man.
No problem. The burgers wouldn't
taste as good if you weren't there.
Hey, look at this.
It's like we went from being
completely poor to being millionaires.
- What was that?
- Probably just a coyote.
Aren't people supposed to
be scared of coyotes?
That's just
'cause they sound scary, man.
In one-on-one combat, either of us
could take down a coyote, no problem.
What?
Now, cheetahs are another story.
- We're gonna die.
- No, now hold on.
Cheetahs are used to
eating gazelles and shit.
They're not known
for eating humans.
That is a corpse.
We're gonna die.
Shit!
That's not a good sign.
Maybe if we just stay really,
really still, he'll just go away.
Okay.
Just stay really still.
Don't move, okay?
Just stay right there.
Very good. Good job.
This isn't working.
He's mauling me!
He's mauling me!
Dude, I told you not
to bring the beef jerky.
He likes me.
Hey, Rold, I have an idea.
- You gotta be kidding me, man.
- Uh-uh.
This is either a really smart move
or by far the stupidest thing
that we have ever tried.
Well, we're about to find out.
Mush!
I told you this was...
Oy vey!
Dude, am I really high,
or is this actually working?
- Both!
- This is awesome!
We're gonna be
at White Castle in no time!
That was close, huh, Roldy?
Harold.
I need you, Harold.
I need you, Harold.
Come here.
- Come here, Harold.
- Maria.
- Come, Harold.
- I'm coming, baby!
I want you to hold me.
Papi. I need you.
Baby, I'm a-comin'!
Not so fast.
Watch out, watch out
Come on!
Bullets... my only weakness.
How did you know?
Maria
Harold.
Maria.
Maria
Maria. Maria
Watch out, watch out
Watch out, watch out
What the hell
are you doing? God!
You've been out cold
for the past half-hour.
I figured maybe if I did
some gay shit you'd wake up.
If we did some gay shit?
Where are we?
Didn't we come here on a cheetah?
Where's the cheetah?
It ran away. Listen, forget
about the cheetah, okay?
I have some bad news
and some worse news.
Give me the worse news first.
I looked at some
of the road signs up there,
and it looks like the cheetah
took us in the wrong direction.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
All right, what's the bad news?
Your laptop's completely destroyed.
What?
Why didn't...
Why didn't you tell me...
How is that not
the worse news?
The laptop situation
really only affects you,
whereas the White Castle
situation affects both of us equally.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
All my work was saved
on this computer.
Now I gotta go back
to the office and redo it.
Exactly.
First we'll go to White Castle...
Forget about White Castle.
There is no time.
Car.
Hello. Over here!
Shit.
Whoa.
Yeah. Um...
All right,
we'll get a pay phone,
get a cab back
to your office, all right?
Come on. You all right?
- Hey, check this out!
- Yeah, nice!
Hey, Apu!
Jesus. These guys
are frickin' everywhere.
Who's looking after
the Kwik-E-Mart while you're gone?
You two going
to share a curry Slurpee?
Fucking assholes.
Dude, check it out.
It's Rosenberg and Goldstein.
I want that.
What, a Hot Dog Heaven
super chili cheese dog?
No. I want that feeling.
The feeling that comes over a man
when he gets
exactly what he desires.
I need that feeling.
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- We gotta go to White Castle.
- Yes, yes!
I knew you had it in you, dude.
Yo, is that Cindy Kim?
Oh, dude, you should've boned her
when you had the chance, man.
Check it out.
Why don't you guys
just leave us alone?
What are you gonna
do about it, Mr. Miyagi?
That's extreme, man!
There's no sense
getting all riled up
every time a bunch of idiots
give you a hard time.
The universe tends
to unfold as it should.
Nothing.
- Fucking extreme!
- I'm so sick of their bullshit.
Don't worry. The universe
tends to unfold as it should.
What is that,
some fortune cookie?
Hey, I got a plan.
Follow my lead, okay?
- Your lead?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Those pricks!
- This is your plan?
- It's working, isn't it?
Come on, come on!
Get 'em, guys!
- Jerk-offs!
- My truck!
Thank you, come again.
Dude, that was so not extreme.
I know, Extreme Sport Punk
Number One.
I know.
Let's find us some tunes, baby.
"Cole's Extreme Mix, Volume 5"?
What is this shit?
And I need you now tonight
Those guys are fuckin' posers.
And if you'll only hold me tight
Baby. Baby. The stars
are shining foryou
And just like me.
I'm sure that they adore you
Baby. Baby
Go walking through the forest
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day
And you break free
from the chains
Yeah. I know that there is pain
But you hold on
for one more day
And you break free
right from the chains
Someday somebody's gonna
make you wanna turn around
- And say good-bye
- Say good-bye
Until then, baby
Are you gonna let 'em
hold you down and make you cry?
Don't you know
things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Hold on
Bingo.
Yeah, dude! Cherry Hill, man.
We're almost there.
I told you, man!
I found 'em,
and I'm gonna need backup.
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
Fudge, dude.
Are you kidding me?
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm not going back to jail, man.
We've come too far.
Now buckle up. Buckle up!
We got a chase on our hands.
- Ready?
- Yeah. For what?
Oh, shit!
- Where the fuck you takin' us?
- Just hold on.
What the...
It's a good thing I have an empty
stomach or else I'd puke right now.
We're gonna make it.
Everything's gonna be all ri...
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
- Put her in reverse. Hurry!
- Shit!
Let's go out the back.
I'll go first.
- Don't shake the car!
- Well, hurry up!
Hey, Roldy, check it out.
Shit, shit!
We're trapped, man!
Whoa. Not necessarily.
No.
No, not a chance.
I'd rather turn myself in than die.
No, dude, I know
exactly how to do that.
I used to do it with my dad
all the time when I was a kid.
Forget it! I'm not risking my life
over a bunch of hamburgers, man.
So you think this is
just about the burgers, huh?
Let me tell you,
it's about far more than that.
Our parents came to this country,
escaping persecution,
poverty, and hunger.
Hunger, Harold.
They were very, very hungry.
They wanted to live in a land
that treated them as equals,
a land filled with hamburger stands.
And not just
one type of hamburger, okay?
Hundreds of types with different
sizes, toppings, and condiments.
That land was America.
America, Harold! America!
Now, this is about achieving
what our parents set out for.
This is about the pursuit
of happiness.
This night...
is about the American dream.
Dude, we can stay here,
get arrested,
and end our hopes of ever
going to White Castle.
Or we can take that hang glider
and make our leap towards freedom.
I leave the decision up to you.
I hate you, Kumar.
Tilt forward.
- Roldy.
- What?
- Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine.
- All right.
- Good job, Rold. Keep running.
- Thank you.
Hey, Roldy, there's something
I forgot to tell you.
- I've never hang-glided before.
- What?!
Jump!
Oh, my God!
- Dude, it's working!
- Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Good news.
I just found enough dope in the car
to put these skateboard punks
in jail for the next couple of years.
- Dude, we're so high right now.
- We're not low.
All right, I'm bringing her in.
Right, left, left.
Perfect!
- Shit!
- Shit!
God!
I'm gonna kill you!
Look!
We made it, dude.
Looks like you guys
had some night, huh?
I want 30 Slyders, 5 French fries,
and 4 large Cherry Cokes.
I want the same, except
make mine Diet Cokes, Chuck.
Wow. Well, that comes
to $46.75.
- Dude, where's my money?
- You don't have money?
- Dude, are you kidding me?
- No.
I gave mine
to that asshole at Princeton.
Fuck! Fuck that hippie fuck!
No! Dude, this isn't happening!
We didn't make it here,
and now we're broke!
No, no, no, no!
Guys, let me pay for it.
It's the least I can do.
The hell are you doing here?
You guys kept talking about
White Castle last night so much,
it made me start to crave it, too.
- Dude, where's my car?
- Where's his car, dude?
Yeah, sorry about that.
I told you last night I was tripping balls.
I don't know what came over me.
Your car's in the parking lot.
Here are your keys.
Do you realize what the hell we had to
go through after you took the car?
Yeah. It was a dick move
on my part.
That's why I'm paying
for your meal. Prick.
Thanks, I guess.
Here's 50 bucks for the burgers
and 200 for the car.
What happened to my car?
I made some love stains
in the back seat.
You'll see.
Anyway, nice meeting you guys.
I'll catch you later.
Where are you going?
Wherever God takes me.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's do this together.
Damn, that hit the spot.
- That was the best meal of my life.
- Mine, too.
You know what, dude?
I think I may actually go
to my interview today.
Are you serious?
You know, my whole life
I've just been scared
of being one of those nerdy
Indian guys turned doctor,
but tonight got me thinking.
There are far worse things
in this world than being tapped
for having a natural
ability in medicine.
Chick magnet. Chick magnet
Plus, how cool was that,
saving that dude's life last night?
It was somewhere between that,
getting yelled at by my dad,
and seeing Neil Patrick Harris
that I realized that I've
always wanted to be a doctor
but I've just been too scared
to admit it to myself.
- Billy, you paying for this?
- Yeah, I'll be there...
Good, 'cause if he wasn't,
you would.
Are you listening to me, Roldy?
I'm having a major epiphany here.
I'll be right back.
You're unlike any other woman
I've ever met.
What the fuck is going on here?
Harold?
What happened to you, man?
Never mind me.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I thought you and J.D.
Were busy all night with clients.
Isn't that why
I had to do your work?
- Henry, what the hell's going on?
- Back off, cock boy.
What I said to him
goes double for you.
- Did you just call me cock boy?
- Yeah, you know I did.
You're just stalling
because you're not quick
enough to think of a comeback.
You think I'm not quick enough.
Guy thinks I'm not quick enough.
Well, I've got news for you.
I am quick enough...
...cock boy!
Listen, Harold, I'm really sorry.
Don't bother with him. We'll take it up
with Berenson tomorrow.
What are you
gonna tell Berenson?
That I'm your workhorse?
That you guys think
you can party all weekend,
leave the work to
the quiet Asian guy in the office?
- No, you don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
I'm not doing
your work for you anymore.
And if either one
of you douche bags
ever tries to pull
this shit again,
I'll go to Berenson myself.
I'll tell him what's really going on.
And I'll tell the whole office
how you both caught gonorrhea
from that prostitute in Atlantic City.
If you'll excuse me, boys,
I gotta get going. Kumar.
See you boys
at the office on Monday.
Excuse me.
Dude, that was awesome!
Where the hell did that come from?
I don't know.
Eating those delicious burgers
made me feel like a new man.
You know what?
Now I'm actually looking forward
to going to work this week.
No shit. You know,
you might be worthwhile after all.
I'm not worthless.
Hey, so those dudes
really have gonorrhea?
Beats me.
Hey.
- Let's get going.
- What's the rush, dude?
I don't have my interview
for a couple of hours.
I got some unfinished business
to take care of.
I thought those guys
were gonna do the work.
No, unfinished business.
- Maria.
- Still not following you.
Get in!
So you don't even have a plan.
Dude, I got love
on my side, man.
Trust me.
When I see Maria, I'm gonna
know exactly what to say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It looks like you guys
have had some night.
Shit. You know what?
I left my lighter in your car.
Do me a favor and run down
and get it for me, please?
I gotta urinate.
You sure got a lot of baggage.
Maria, wait.
I know this is gonna seem
completely out of the blue,
and I know you don't know me
very well... or, um, at all.
But let me tell you
the best part of my day is.
I come home from work
and I walk through this lobby,
and on days that I'm lucky enough,
I spend ten seconds
in this elevator with you.
I had the craziest night
of my life tonight,
and I guess I learned that
if you want something or someone,
you have to go for it.
And if Liane can
marry a guy like Freakshow
and I can hang-glide
and I can ride a cheetah,
then I guess...
Oh, fuck it.
Girl, I'm spendin' my dimes
Give me a minute.
This is crazy.
- That was... I'm sorry.
- I don't even know you.
I had White Castle,
so I'm a little dizzy.
- We don't ever speak.
- We don't talk, so that was inappropriate.
Oh, fuck it.
I wanna get next to you
I wanna get next to you
Okay.
Now you just have to work
on your timing.
- Where are you going?
- Amsterdam.
I'll be back in ten days.
But I'll see you when I get back?
Yeah, let's do that.
Bye, Harold.
Bye. Bye.
I'll see you later.
- She touch your penis?
- What?
What happened?
Nothing much, really.
Just a little kiss action.
Nice. Nice!
Yeah. She's going to Amsterdam.
She'll be back in ten days.
We gotta go.
- Where?
- Amsterdam, man.
- We gotta get our bags packed...
- Amsterdam?
...and frickin' take the next flight out.
Are you freaking out of your mind?
What about your interview?
Dude, whatever.
I'll tell my dad to reschedule it.
He won't have a problem as long as
I take it seriously for a change.
We gotta freakin' go to Europe
and find Maria.
Dude, she's coming back
in ten days.
It's not like I'm never
gonna see her again.
Listen, for a hot chick,
ten days in Europe
can be the kiss of death, okay?
She's gonna have all these suave,
sophisticated guys all over her.
When she gets back,
she may not be available.
Forget it. I'll see her
when she comes back.
Hey, Roldy.
You do realize what's legal
in Amsterdam, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
In today's headlines,
Rutgers professor Tarik Jackson
and attorney Nathaniel Banks are
suing the state of New Jersey
for racial discrimination
and police brutality.
My family and I are outraged
and will settle for
nothing less than justice.
I still trust and love
all white people, all of them.
And Asians.
And Asians.
And a few Mexicans as well.
Several of the officers
suspected of brutality
were taken into custody
earlier this morning.
Run away, you mother...
No black mother... gonna get away
with this, so... all y'all.
You can suck my...
Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey,
have just arrested
a gang of hooligans
who are suspected of terrorizing
numerous strip malls
and convenience stores.
Officer Thurmond Brucks
found their abandoned car,
which contained a large bag
of marijuana.
And in other news,
the Muckleburg Police Department
are still looking for a fugitive
who escaped
from the police station last night
with a companion
believed to be his accomplice.
Police have released
sketches of the two fugitives
which they believe
to be extremely accurate.
Nice!
Billy Boy!
Get your ass ready!
It's almost 5:00, and this bad boy
needs to get his drink on.
- No, no, no. Give me that.
- Don't.
- I'm gonna burn it once and for all.
- Stop that.
Dude, it's been six months.
It's time to move on, okay?
Whatever. Even if
I wanted to meet other women,
I wouldn't even know what to do.
I've been out of the game
for so long.
Dude, you come out with me tonight,
I promise you will get laid.
Yeah, it sounds very tempting,
but Berenson needs me to update
these financial models
for the meeting
with the foreign investors.
So what?
It's Friday night.
The Germans are taking
an early flight back.
The meeting got changed
to tomorrow.
So? Why don't you
just get somebody else
to do your work for you?
Who?
Harold, I need you to update
those models for me.
- Billy, aren't you supposed to...
- I know. Something just came up.
I have this meeting
with these new clients tonight,
and I'm never gonna have time
to get to those.
So that's your
responsibility now, big boy.
Make sure those are in
by 9:00 sharp tomorrow.
With all the downsizing
that's been going on around here,
we wouldn't want to have to tell Berenson
you've been slacking, now would we?
Yeah.
Okay, no problem.
Hey.
You have a great weekend,
okay, buddy?
I owe you one.
Just one.
Thank you.
Wow! That was amazing.
I cannot believe how easy that was.
Dude, how do you think
I get all my shit done?
I'm telling you, those Asian guys
love crunching numbers.
You probably
just made his weekend.
Chick magnet
Chick magnet. Chick magnet
Chick magnet. Yeah
Fuck.
An excellent point, Mr. Patel.
You are one of the finest applicants
I have ever interviewed.
Thank you.
It comes as no surprise. Your father
is highly respected in his field.
As you probably heard
from your old man,
he and I had some pretty wild times
back in med school.
Really?
Yeah. We started
our own basketball team...
the Hemoglobin Trotters.
Hemo-globin Trotters...
get it?
A play on the name of the famous
colored, Negro basketball squad...
black, African-American.
You know, people of colors.
Let's end up with one final question,
just as a formality.
What are some potential
symptoms of pancreatitis?
Well, you would have
epigastric tenderness,
diffuse abdominal tenderness...
I'm sorry.
Can you hold on one second?
Kumar's phone.
Kumar speaking.
Hey, what's up? It's me.
What are you doing?
Nothing important. I can talk.
What's going on?
Listen, I can't party tonight, okay?
I gotta stay late at the office.
Dude, fuck that shit.
We had plans.
I know, but I got
a lot of work to do.
When has getting high ever
prevented you from doing your work?
Jesus!
Believe me.
I would love to come home. Okay?
- I got a lot of work to do.
- Thank you. I'll do that.
I got a quarter of the
finest herb in New York City.
I'm not smoking
that shit alone, okay?
So you need to just chill the fuck out
and prepare to get blazed
because in the next couple of hours,
I expect both of us to be
blitzed out of our skulls, got it?
All right, I got it.
I'll talk to you later.
Where was I?
We've got the severe anal discharge,
sometimes violent... a.k.a. Diarrhea.
Mr. Patel, I am more than familiar
with diarrhea.
Do you actually believe
after the way you've just behaved
that I would ever even consider
recommending you for admission?
No. I'm gonna
be honest with you.
The only reason I'm applying
is so my dad
will keep paying for my apartment.
I really don't have a desire
to go to med school.
But you have perfect MCAT scores.
Yeah. Just 'cause you're
hung like a moose
doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Get out! Bernadette,
show this young man to the door!
And please bring in
some fresh diarrhe... dry towels!
Yes!
Right in front of the door.
This is America, dude!
Learn how to drive!
Better "ruck" tomorrow!
- Extreme!
- Fucking assholes.
Fuck.
Okay.
Be yourself.
Don't be nervous.
So, Maria, what's been goin' on?
I actually had a very long week
at work. How about you?
Work was good.
I caught up on some sleep.
Plus, the guy who works next to me
decided to bathe for a change.
Really?
So what are you up to tonight?
Actually, I'm just gonna
be sitting on my ass,
probably eat a whole pint
of Haagen-Dazs
while I watch Blind Date.
Well, that sounds awful.
If you want some company,
maybe you can come over
and sit on your ass at my place.
That sounds nice.
Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Kumar.
Yo.
Yo, Kumar.
Yo, I'm in here, dude.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
I'm trimming my pubes.
Why aren't you
doing this in your room, man?
The mirror's in here.
Hey, check it out. It's like a bonsai tree.
Hey!
Besides, man, it makes
your johnson look totally bigger.
Please!
Are those my scissors?
Dude, I trim my nose hair with those!
Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair
with them for the past six months.
Get out!
Get out of my room.
Kumar. It's Daddy.
I hope your interview
today was good.
I'm calling to remind you
that you have another one tomorrow
with Dr. Wein from Cornell
at 10 a.m. Do not be late.
- Hook it up, bi-yatch.
- Let's do it.
Fuck!
In tonight's top story.
A cheetah escaped earlier today
from the Morristown Zoo.
Oh, nice.
Sixteen Candles is on, man.
And the award for the least
heterosexual statement
ever made in this apartment
goes to... Harold Lee.
Come on down, man.
Take a bow.
Shut up, man.
It's a classic.
It's a very beautiful story
about someone
who feels unnoticed,
unappreciated, unloved, you know?
- Turn it.
- It's a good one, though.
Homo.
Come on. Dude.
Just take one hit.
Don't you wanna be cool?
Hey. Man.
What are you doin'?
I'm so high!
Nothing can hurt me.
No!
- Marijuana kills.
- I love that shit.
We're so high right now.
We're not low.
Dude, I don't know about you,
but I'm fuckin' hungry as balls.
No shit, dude.
Let's eat.
No, I don't feel
like delivery tonight.
- What about KFC?
- We've been there too many times.
I want something
we haven't had in a while.
Something different,
something that'll really hit the spot.
I want the perfect food.
Are you hungry?
Then come to White Castle
and try our Slyder Special...
Six burgers. Fries.
And a soft drink for only $2.99.
Imagine all those burgers
in your stomach right now.
Don't you like food
that's tasty and delicious?
I do.
Then what are you waiting for?
Head over to White Castle.
It's what you crave.
You sure you know
how to get there?
I haven't been
to White Castle in ages.
Dude, I'm telling you, there's one right by
that multiplex in New Brunswick.
Nice.
- Rosenberg!
- Goldstein!
Yo, Manny and Shevitz, get up.
We're going to White Castle.
No, we're watching
The Gift on HBO.
No, no, no.
No watching. We're starving.
Hey, put that back.
No eating until we get
to White Castle. Let's roll.
Sorry, kids,
we ain't going nowhere.
Supposedly Katie Holmes
shows her titties in this movie.
Is that all you Jews
ever think about... tits?
Katie Holmes is a nice,
respectable, wholesome girl.
And I'm gonna see her boobs.
The things I would eat
out of her ass... you have no idea!
That is
a completely vulgar statement.
So is "I want to bang Britney Spears
on the bathroom floor."
But it's true.
Touche.
Hey, listen, if...
I think Kumar's a faygele.
They're totally gay for each other.
- Hey, you wanna suck on this?
- Uh-huh.
What the hell are you
bringing your bag for?
Try to get some work done
in the car.
- Here, you're driving.
- Shit, I forgot my cell phone.
You wanna run back and get it?
No, we've gone too far.
Hey, there's your girlfriend.
You gonna talk to her this time,
or are you gonna be
a Vagina McGinastein about it?
What the hell are you doing?
You could've asked her if she wanted
to come to White Castle with us.
- Hold the elevator. Wait!
- Hey, how are...
You're worthless.
I'm not worthwhile.
Just fucking talk to her once.
It won't be weird anymore.
Look, it doesn't matter.
The only girls who are interested in me
are girls I have no interest in.
Like Cindy Kim.
Speaking of Cindy,
she called earlier.
One of those Asian clubs she's in
is throwing a party at her dorm tonight.
God, she invites me to everything.
So what? She's kind of fuckin' cute.
Let her touch your penis.
Oh, look.
It's the Brothers McFag.
Let me guess... the one
with the purse is the catcher.
Come on, guys, let's get ourselves
some fucking Mountain Dew.
Extreme!
Yeah, extreme assholes.
Why do I
have to be the catcher?
Dude, forget about those pricks.
Let's just get some food.
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat,
like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers
and raise you 5 orders of fries.
Dude, give me 35 cents.
What's going on?
It didn't register.
- What?
- Give me 35 more cents.
- I don't have any more change.
- Should I just go through?
No, no, I don't like
breaking the law.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hey, move your ass!
- I'm sorry. Hold on.
- I'm going through.
No, don't.
No. No. Hold on.
Let me walk to a manned tollbooth
and I'll tell them what happened.
- Sorry!
- Move, you fuckin' twat!
- What's the fuckin' holdup here?
- Shit.
Move, you retarded cocksucker!
Move!
- Are you crazy?
- What?
What are you doing?
Why you throwing the weed out?!
- The cops are gonna catch us.
- No, they're not. Not for that.
- Take this exit.
- What?
- Take this exit!
- No!
Dude!
You know,
that was the last of our weed.
Sorry. I get a little
paranoid sometimes.
Now we're in Newark,
of all places.
You know we're
gonna get shot.
Maybe it's not as bad as they say.
Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Check it out. Those guys
look like a lame version of us.
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Let's get the fuck outta here.
- Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
- Yeah, that was your fault.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
Yo, check it out.
We're almost there.
Thank God. I'm starving.
- Hello, New Brunswick!
- Prepare to gorge yourself.
You know...
We need some tunage for this.
Presets. Use the presets.
Oh, come on, dude,
your whole life is preset.
Try something new.
Where is this place? Isn't it
supposed to be right around here?
- Chill. We'll find it.
- Wait a second... is that the multiplex?
- Yes.
- Sweet!
That means the White Castle
should be right around the corner.
What the hell
is going on, Kumar?
That does not look
like a White Castle to me.
Uh-uh.
Dude, we gotta check this out.
Hey, look here, fellas. You guys gonna
have to order from the drive-thru menu.
What happened to the White Castle?
What?
There used to be a White Castle
right here in this location.
Where is it?
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, guys,
but Burger Shack, they bought
this location about four years ago.
God!
Please tell me there's
another White Castle in town.
- No.
- Are you sure?
Do I look like the kind of brother
that would be unsure
about something like that?
Shit!
What are we gonna do?
I don't know, man.
Should we just eat here?
Hey. Psst.
There's a White Castle that's
open 24 hours up in Cherry Hill.
It's about
I can make the trip
if you're willing to.
Kumar, I got a shitload
of work to finish.
You got that
med school interview.
Forget about the med school
interview. It's a non-issue.
What do you mean
it's a non-issue?
Ding-dong!
May I interject for a second?
As a Burger Shack employee
for the past three years,
if there's one thing I've learned,
it's that if you're craving White Castle,
the burgers here
just don't cut it.
In fact, just thinking about those
tender little White Castle burgers
with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions
that just explode
in your mouth like flavor crystals
every time you bite into one...
...just makes me want
to burn this motherfucker down.
Come on, Pookie,
let's burn this motherfucker down!
Come on, Pookie!
Let's burn it, Pookie!
Let's burn this
motherfucker down!
Let's burn it down!
Let's burn it!
So you guys maybe should just
suck it up and go to White Castle.
You can always get
your work done in the car.
- Let's do it.
- All right. Awesome.
Then listen, listen... no matter what,
we are not ending this night
without White Castle
in our stomachs.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
Wise choice.
You guys might have
wanted to stay away
from our special sauce tonight.
Me and Pookie,
we added a secret ingredient.
I'll give you a hint.
It's semen.
Semen.
Animal semen.
Dude, remember when Goldstein
used to work at that burger place?
This is the most fucking confusing
movie I've ever seen...
she's possessed,
she's not possessed.
Dude, that rack better be stacked.
- Tits! Tits!
- Boobies, boobies, boobies.
Holy shit! Whoa!
Those aren't real.
Yes, they are.
You know, I'm almost
completely sober right now.
I wish we had some more weed.
Sorry.
Princeton.
- We're getting off here.
- Why?
Because we're gonna sweet-talk
Cindy Kim into finding us some weed.
- No.
- Why not?
You talk to her on the phone
all the time.
She calls me.
Then she rambles on
about her East Asian
Students Club or whatever.
Then I have to actually pretend
that I give a shit
or else she calls me a Twinkie.
A what?
Twinkie... yellow on the outside,
white on the inside.
Look, you Twinkie bitch,
you were the one that threw
our weed out the window, okay?
So we're going to Princeton,
and it's your responsibility
to make sure we're high as shit
by the time
we're eating those burgers.
Forget it.
End of discussion.
I am not seeing Cindy Kim.
Harold, I'm so glad
you showed up.
Yeah, me too.
Did you like the hibiscus petals
I glued to the envelope I sent you?
Yeah, they were nice.
Hey, dude, you know
where I can get some green?
Dude, you know where
I can get some chronic?
Jesus, what the hell kind of
lvy League school is this?
Man.
Over here, man.
You lookin' to toke up?
- Yes.
- Yes?
Thank Christ. Just give me
a dime of your finest sticky.
You wanna see
sticky-icky, my friend?
Oh, my God!
Whoa, man!
Don't touch, man.
That's not cool.
You can't...
Jeez! This is my baby!
Yes?
Kenneth Park,
class of 2004.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is it true you're an analyst
for Brewster Keegan?
Yes, I'm a junior analyst.
Awesome!
I told you, he's good.
- Yes.
- This is actually a two-part question.
I'm applying for a summer
internship at Brewster Keegan.
I was wondering, a) what's it like
being an investment banker,
and b) would you write me
a recommendation?
Here. That's sixt... 80 bucks.
- 80 bucks?
- Yeah, 80 bucks.
Yo, this is worth 40 tops, bro.
"Bro"?
I'm not your bro, bro.
Okay, and that's 80 bucks.
You don't feel like
getting high tonight?
If you don't feel like getting high,
that's cool with me,
because there's lots of people
around here. See this guy?
Hey, loser.
Hey, what's up, George?
I smoke buds with George all the time.
What kind of hippie are you?
What kind of hippie am I?
Man, I'm a business hippie.
I understand the concept
of supply and demand.
"What's it like
being an investment banker?"
To be honest with you,
it's actually pretty aw...
...awesome.
Excellent!
As for the recommendation,
I guess I can make a couple calls.
Actually, Harold, we should
be getting to the party.
We can discuss all this stuff
on the way there.
- It's just down the hall.
- Okay.
I'm sorry. I can't go.
I have to wait for Kumar.
You'll see him when we're done.
Trust me,
you're gonna love this.
Kenny's mom dropped off
a big pot of kimchi jigae.
It's really good.
It's delicious.
Yeah?
That's nice.
- 80 bucks, okay?
- Okay.
- Hello.
- Are you guys about to smoke?
Yes, we're gonna smoke. Do you
wanna come back to my place?
Please, like they want to go listen
to a bunch of Phish records
while you read
your lame-ass poetry.
Girls, you guys wanna hang out,
maybe smoke a little weed
and have some fun?
- All right.
- All right.
My poetry's not lame.
It's really good.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- It's great.
We're gonna eat before this gets cold.
What you say we meet back
in our room in about 20 minutes?
We're in room 109.
I'll see you ladies later, huh?
Yes!
you ladies later. Yes!
We're getting laid, bro.
All right, I'll see you there, man.
Roldy, dude,
you gotta come quick.
There's these two filthy pussies
just aching to get boned by us.
I mean, there are these two
very lovely young pussies
who would like to have
a chat with you and I.
Sorry. Harold's coming with us.
That's bullshit. He's coming with me.
Isn't that right, Roldy?
- Let's go to the party.
- No, no, no. Fuck that.
Here. This is Harold's understudy.
You can do whatever you want.
Roldy, let's go.
Sorry.
I can't believe you were gonna
ditch me for the Joy Luck Club.
You know what their parties are like.
What do you want me to say?
I was under pressure.
Just say no.
That's all it takes. Here.
All right, take a hit of that.
What's going on up there?
Barracuda to Sparrow,
Barracuda to Sparrow.
We got two high-fliers
on level three.
I just wanna talk!
Dude, in here, in here.
Women!
What if someone
finds us in here?
Chill the fuck out. He's not gonna
look for us in the girls' bathroom.
Shit! Come here.
It worked on me. There's no reason
it shouldn't work on you.
But your breasts look beautiful.
I just want those
cute little ping-pong breasts.
You know, that kind of go...
Hurry up because I want
to go smoke weed
with that dishy Indian guy.
It's gonna be a few minutes.
I'm about to have
the worst case of taco shits.
Oh, God.
Great, I think I've got
to go, too.
Hey, Clarissa, do you want
to play battle shits?
- Oh, my God!
- Battle shits?
We haven't played that
since back at camp.
I know, I know.
Wait for it.
Hit.
Scag! You sank my destroyer!
Fuck!
I can't take it anymore!
Christy, are you still there?
Damn! You sank my battle shit!
Shit.
Dude!
She said in 20-10?
Have you seen
a Korean guy around here?
Yeah, only when
I open my eyes, though.
'Tard.
Yo, this party's bumpin'!
- Who wants some Buda?
- Yeah!
Holy shit! Kenneth Park,
class of 2004.
Dude, I'm thinking you really screwed up
by not coming to this party.
I screwed up?
Can we have some pot brownies?
I don't know.
I'm running a little low.
A titty flash might persuade me.
- Should we?
- I think you should.
Okay.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Hey, you!
Shit!
Hey!
- Hey!
- Let's get 'em! Halt!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Harold! Harold!
- No, no, no.
- Hey, dude!
- Come here!
Well, well, well.
- What do we have here?
- Oh, no! That's my baby!
Hold his throat and groin.
Come on, rookie.
Should we go back
for the weed?
Are you crazy?
Run! Run!
I can't believe it, man.
We were this close to getting laid.
Oh, dude,
you always exaggerate.
The diarrhea twins definitely
would have had sex with us.
What about Cindy? She was
looking kinda cute tonight, man.
Cindy's fine.
It's just...
- Just what?
- We...
Oh, you'd rather have Maria.
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm gonna end up with Cindy Kim
whether I like it or not.
Can we just drop this and get
our asses to White Castle, man?
Fine.
Maria.
What are you doing?
Daddy needs to urinate.
Hurry up!
I'm serious.
Don't take all night.
All right.
- Excuse me, I have to...
- Huh?
I have to ask you.
Why are you peeing right here?
What?
I mean, why'd you pee
right next to me
when you could choose
that bush or...
This is a good bush to pee on.
Why are you peeing on it?
Well, no one was here
when I chose this bush.
Oh.
So you get to pee on it
and no one else does? Huh?
- No, I just...
- This your bush?
You have a special bond
with this bush?
- No, I just thought that...
- You the king of the forest?
- I'm sorry?
- What?
Are you a fuckin' tree-hugger?
Is this your special bush?!
Never mind. Forget it. I really
don't feel like getting stabbed tonight.
Nice pubes.
Thanks.
Do you even know
where you're going?
I'm gonna be honest,
I'm a little lost, but, you know,
once we get back on the highway,
we'll be there soon, don't worry.
We'd better.
Shit. Now it's raining.
Put on your wipers.
What are you talking about?
It's just a little mist.
Yeah, mist,
hence the mist setting.
It's a safety issue, okay?
There we go.
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
What crawled up your ass?
I'm completely on edge
right now, man.
After all the shit that
we've been through tonight,
I don't know
how much more I can take.
Oh, shit! How the fuck
did that get in here?
Oh, shit!
He bit me!
I've got rabies!
Oh, my God!
Dude, get that fuckin'
cancer raccoon away from me!
Open my window!
Fuck you, raccoon!
What the Christ?
- Shit!
- Shit!
Jesus! You all right?
I don't know.
Shit.
Shit, dude,
he's coming over here.
Probably some old blind bitch!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- We're sorry. We're very sorry!
- Holy shit!
- Goldstein?
Dude, it's Rold and Kumar.
Shit. What's going on, man?
- What's up, dude? What's up?
- All right.
What the hell
are you guys doing here?
We got the munchies, so we
decided we'd go to Hot Dog Heaven.
How about you?
How was White Castle?
We haven't gotten there yet.
I think I may have rabies.
Yo, dude, how were
Katie Holmes' tits?
- You know the Holocaust?
- Yeah.
Picture the exact
opposite of that.
Nice.
Boy, do you need a girl.
If you guys
got the yellow fever,
there's a rockin' Asian party
down at Princeton.
Dude, I got the yellow plague.
There's nothing sexier
than a hot Asian chick!
Asian tits...
I wanna squeeze 'em!
Stop. Don't do that.
Please, do not touch me.
I'm very woozy.
I think I have to go
to the hospital.
You should go
to Beth Israel.
- We gotta hit up this Asian joint.
- No, we don't.
We got to go to Hot Dog Heaven.
No more detours along the way.
- This is what I'm dealing with.
- Come on!
I'm telling you,
hit up the Asian party.
Did you leave the key in the car
with the engine running?
Good luck.
You don't have rabies. We're not
going to a hospital. You're fine.
Uh... Yeah, I don't have rabies.
Great. Let's just
get out of here.
Hey, aren't those the guys
that got the shit kicked...
I know. I know.
Let's just go.
Just go.
Kumar.
- Hey, it's your dad and brother.
- Shit.
No wonder you didn't want
to go to the hospital.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Dr. Patel.
- What's up?
- Saikat. What's going on?
I hope you are here to apologize for
what you did in your interview today.
What the hell's
wrong with you, Kumar?
God! You're 22 years old.
When are you gonna grow up
and stop this
post-college rebel bullshit?
- Like your life is so hard.
- Eat my balls, Saikat.
I will not tolerate this
business from you any longer.
You have one more
interview tomorrow morning,
and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you
were anything short of spectacular,
I'll completely cut you off.
- Dad, come on.
- Daddy is not coming on anything.
You will be there,
and you will behave.
I have put too much time
and energy into you
to let you go
and fuck it all up!
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, guys.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Good.
I will speak with you tomorrow.
- Bye, Harold.
- Bye.
See ya.
Wow, man.
I guess you're going
to med school after all, eh?
Fuck that, dude.
Like I care what my dad thinks.
I can't wait to see
the look on his face
when he finds out I didn't go
to my interview tomorrow.
If he wants to cut me off, fine.
I don't need his money.
I don't understand.
You just hugged him.
Yeah, I just needed to get
my hands on this.
Access card.
Two words for you, bro...
medical marijuana.
No.
Oh, this is stolen.
If we get caught,
you are taking the blame.
This is not my idea.
We're not gonna get caught, okay?
We're gonna go get baked
and then go eat just like we planned.
Now, just calm down.
- We gotta find the pharmacy.
- Dr. Patel!
Thank God I found you.
We have an emergency.
Nurses, I need these two doctors
scrubbed, gloved,
and ready for the O.R. Stat!
- What the hell is going on?
- He probably thinks I'm my brother.
Just don't worry about it.
Leave the talking to me.
It's a godforsaken bloodbath.
The patient was brought in
by EMS five minutes ago.
As you can see, we have
three horrific gunshot wounds.
It's a good thing
I found you two.
All the other surgeons
are working on other patients.
No, there's been a mistake.
What Dr. Lee is trying to say
is that we need to sedate the patient...
...or he could go into cardiac arrest.
- All right, I'll get the anesthesiologist.
Hang on a second, nurse. What we
should probably use is marijuana.
That'll sufficiently
sedate the patient for surgery.
Marijuana?
But why?
We don't have time for questions.
We need marijuana now,
as much of it as possible!
Like a big bag of it.
But, Doctor, we don't have
marijuana in this hospital.
Shit.
Oh, shit!
This guy's gonna die!
Doctor, you've got to do something
or we're gonna lose him!
I'm gonna do this
the old-fashioned way.
Start the nitrous.
Give me two large-bore I.V. S
and start a Ringers lactate push.
Dr. Roldy, hold this.
More gauze, please.
- Doctor, the patient is desatting.
- Dude, he's desatting! He's desatting!
The patient has a collapsed lung.
I need a 14-gauge angiocath stat.
- That was genius.
- Thank you.
- Great job!
- You guys did it.
No, it's you.
- Sexy.
- What'd you say?
Nothing.
Sweet-pea.
The patient appears
to be stabilized.
- Good work, doctors, all around.
- Great. One of you clean this up, please.
- Put the chest tube in.
- Meow. You're moist.
- I'm not sweating anymore.
- You're glistening.
Soft and chocolate lips...
- Could I get a little dab here?
- Hush now, hush now.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you happen to know
how to get to the White Castle
in Cherry Hill from here?
Yeah. Take the 33 west
and take the Turnpike south,
and there you are.
I'm telling you, man,
that was amazing!
Even your dad would
have been impressed, man.
Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
This is perfect. We're back on the road,
we got directions, it stopped raining.
And guess what, man.
- I'm officially done with my work.
- Oh, yeah? Nice!
I'm telling you, dude,
things are finally starting to go our way.
Hey, dude, check it out...
Sixteen Candles.
Isn't that your favorite movie?
Wow, man, that's awesome!
Yo, look who decided
to go see it.
Holy shit.
See! You said you two
had nothing in common,
but you both have the same
lame taste in movies!
Shut up.
Hey, we should ask her if she
wants to come to White Castle.
No. No, no.
Forget about it. Just drive.
Dude, come on.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
We're an hour away from home,
and who do we see but your dream girl
standing across the street?
Just pretend you're a nerdy
Asian version of Tom Hanks
and she's a hot Latina Meg Ryan
with bigger tits.
The cars are going.
Can we go? How about that?
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me, Maria!
- What are you doing?
- Maria! Excuse me for a second!
Come here!
No! What the hell
are you doing?
Get your hand off the gas!
Shit!
- I'm stuck!
- Stop turning the wheel!
- I am stuck!
- What do you mean you're stuck?
Get unstuck!
- You asshole!
- Wha... wha...?
We could have seriously
injured ourselves, man!
Yo, don't blame me, genius.
I'm not the one who decided
to run us off the frickin' road, all right?
Let's just get
back on the highway, okay?
Fine with me.
It's not funny.
- Where's my spare tire?
- I don't know.
Where the hell
is my spare tire?
Oh, yeah!
Dude, remember that time
we got really stoned
and started throwing shit off
that bridge to see if it would float?
What bridge? I don't remem...
What are you talking about?
Oh, shit, that's right.
That was with Goldstein.
We borrowed your car
that night. My bad.
Your bad? What the hell
are we gonna do now?
- Hey!
- Hey! Excuse me!
- Hello! Over here!
- Excuse me!
You boys need some help?
Thanks for helping us out.
No problem at all.
I seen you two stranded
out there alone in the dark,
and I said to myself...
"What would Jesus do?"
Goin' down to Georgia
Gonna get myself baptized,
gonna get myself baptized
In the bosom of the Lord
Have you boys accepted Jesus
as your Lord and Savior?
- Yes.
- Yeah, he's great. Cool guy.
Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition!
Name's Randy,
but everybody calls me Freakshow.
My name's Kumar.
How are you, Kunie?
- This is Harold.
- Hi, Jerald. How are you?
So where exactly
are we going?
Don't you worry about that none.
We ain't too far from my place.
Once we get there, I'll have
your ride fixed up in a jiffy.
Check out those boils
on his neck.
You gotta look.
One of them's actually pulsating.
Shut up. He's right next to me.
He can hear you.
Now there's some sort of puss.
- It's disgusting!
- Shut up.
Just one little boil.
Just look at it.
See, isn't that the most disgusting
thing you've ever seen?
Do you think just
because you're whispering,
he can't hear
what you're saying?
He's two feet away from us.
He can hear this entire conversation.
He can hear me
talking right now.
Don't worry about it.
He can't hear anything...
not with all that crust in his ear.
I heard everything you said.
It's gonna take me a while
to fix up your car there,
so if you boys like,
you can go on inside,
get yourselves something
to drink, wash up,
fuck my wife, watch TV...
anything you want.
Mi casa es su casa.
Just don't do anything
the Good Lord wouldn't do.
Thank you.
We're gonna die.
He's going to kill us.
We're gonna die.
Dude, am I deaf, or did he just say
we get to fuck his wife?
He couldn't have said that.
Who cares?
You've seen Freakshow.
What do you think his wife
is gonna look like?
Oh, hi, boys.
I'm Freakshow's wife Liane.
Can I get you some pink lemonade?
Why don't you just go
have a seat in the living room?
I'll be back in a jiffy.
Thanks.
- Hot. Hot!
- Uh-huh.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, it's official.
We've entered the Twilight Zone.
- Dude, Liane is fucking hot.
- She's not ugly.
Here you go, boys.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
Liane, how are things between you
and Freakshow presently?
Oh! They've never been better.
We love each other so much.
I was just wondering,
how does a guy like Freakshow...
...end up with a girl like you?
Well, we met at choir practice
about four years ago.
Freakshow was really shy
back then, you know,
'cause of all his hideous boils
on his face and neck.
Sure, sure.
But he had
the most amazing voice,
like a baby canary.
The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what,
the devil, huh
The devil is everywhere
Hey, Randy, what
After Easter service one day,
I told him how much I loved his solo
and he finally mustered up
the courage to ask me out.
We've been in love ever since.
So, are you boys gonna
fuck me now or what?
Rock, paper, scissors
to see who goes first. Ready?
- Rock, paper...
- Wait a second.
What about Freakshow?
What? You assume we don't
know how to have a good time?
I just...
Never mind.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Sorry, but if you boys want me,
you have to do me at the same time.
- Huh?
- Come on, give me the double stuff.
I'm not sure
we quite understand, Liane.
I want you both
inside me simultaneously.
- One hole or two?
- Whatever you want.
Sorry. No, thank you.
No, thank you.
Dude, if it's two holes,
it might not be that bad.
- Shotgun anus.
- Forget it!
I don't want our balls
rubbing against each other.
- What, are you kidding?
- No way! Forget it.
How about blow jobs?
Can we have blow jobs?
Well, okay.
Come here.
Okay. I'm going up there.
I wanna come, too.
- Think you could help me with this?
- You need help?
Okay, yeah.
It's a little sticky there.
- You can do it.
- Okay.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Do you wanna play with them?
Play with them.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay.
Let's do that.
Well, boys, I fixed your tire.
Hi, honey!
What in the hell
are you doing with my wife?
You said outside that
we could have sex with her.
Shit! Shit!
- I most certainly did not.
- Yeah, you did.
- I did not!
- You did.
- Oh, no, I didn't!
- You did, you did.
- You sure?
- You said it.
My mistake!
Freakshow.
Well, since we're all here...
...how about a foursome?
Who wants the first reach-around?
Okay, let's agree to never talk
about what just happened.
Agreed.
That's a very good idea.
Dude, I have no idea
where we are.
What?
- Is that a hitchhiker?
- What the hell?
- Should we pick him up?
- And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?
You know what? We're lost. He may
know how to get back on the highway.
Get back on the road.
This is my car.
We are not picking up
a hitchhiker, man.
Hey, guys, thanks
for picking me up.
Excuse me,
are you Neil Patrick Harris?
Yep.
- Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
- Holy shit.
Dude, Doogie Howser M. D. Was,
like, my favorite show growing up.
You were my idol.
That's great. Could we get going?
I'm bored as shit back here.
- Go, go.
- Let's go. This is a frickin' boring spot.
So I gotta ask you, Neil,
did you ever get it on
with Wanda off the set?
Dude, I humped every piece
of ass ever on that show.
Even the chick
who played the hot nurse?
No. I didn't go
all the way with her.
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know
how to get on the highway
from here, would you?
Dude, I don't even know
where the fuck I am right now.
I was at this party earlier tonight
and some guy hooked me up
with this incredible X.
The next thing I know, I'm being
thrown out of a moving car.
- I've been tripping balls ever since.
- That's crazy, dude.
We've been having
a pretty crazy night, too.
We've just been driving around
looking for White Castle,
but we keep getting sidetracked.
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me.
Forget White Castle.
Let's go get some pussy.
- Huh?
- It's a fuckin' sausage-fest in here.
Let's get us some poontang.
Then we'll go to White Castle.
No, Neil, you don't understand.
We've been craving
these burgers all night.
Yeah, I've been craving
burgers, too... fur burgers.
Come on, dudes, let's pick up
some trim at a strip club.
The Doogie line
always works on strippers.
Lap dance.
There's a gas station.
I'm gonna see if we can get directions.
We don't need...
Hurry up, dudes, hurry up.
I'm losing wood.
Hurry, hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Chill.
- We'll be right back, Neil.
We'll be back.
What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?
Why is he so horny?
I don't know, but we can't
let him interfere with our quest.
- Oh, God.
- Shit, these punks again.
Late-night Math League
meeting, homos?
Extreme!
Let's go.
No, no.
Pies, pies... no.
Dude, what is that?
Is that a pterodactyl?
I do not know what that is.
That was extreme, dude!
Excuse me, can you tell us how
to get to the highway from here?
Dude, I got this.
Dude, who knew learning Hindi
would actually pay off?
Guy says the highway is, like,
a couple traffic lights from here.
We should be in Cherry Hill
in ten minutes.
- Ready? One, two, three!
- No. No.
- No.
- Extreme kayaking!
No!
Extreme!
- No!
- Man, that was so fuckin' extreme!
On a scale of 1 to 10,
one being not so extreme
and ten being extremely extreme,
I give this a 9.5!
- Check it out!
- Extreme cheddar!
- Hey.
- Extreme cashier!
Somebody should do something.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, asshole!
Why don't you leave that guy alone
and go jerk off to some
snowboarding videos or something?
I didn't mean you
should do something about it.
What? You're gonna take that?
What's up with that? Huh?
You're gonna take that?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Shit!
- That's right, bitch!
You just try fuckin' with me
one more time!
Just try it!
Thank you, come again.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Kumar, you okay?
Yeah, dude,
I just hate those assholes.
You know what? Fuck it, I'm hungry.
Let's just get outta here.
Did Doogie Howser
just steal my fucking car?
Yes. I think he did.
You! You had to pick up
a hitchhiker! Why?!
Calm down.
Why did you leave
the keys in the car?
Why? Because
it would get stolen.
I figured that Neil Patrick Harris
was a trustworthy guy.
Come on. How was I supposed
to know he'd fuck us over?
This whole freaking night,
this whole night, is your fault!
- Where are you going?
- I'm going inside to call the police.
I don't want
to talk to you anymore.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
There's a pay phone
across the street
if you don't wanna
deal with those assholes.
After we talk to the cops, we're
still going to White Castle, right?
I'm not speaking to you.
When are they fucking going
to develop button technology
that will understand urgency?!
- Dude, this is ridiculous. Just walk across.
- It'll change in a second.
There's not a car in sight.
Just go ahead.
Fine. You want me to cross?
I will cross.
If it makes you happy,
I will cross.
I'll do it.
Shit!
- What...
- Sorry.
Is there a problem,
Officer Palumbo?
Is there a problem?
You ever heard of jaywalking?
Yes, I have. I'm really sorry.
Won't happen again.
That's great.
I'm writing you up a ticket.
A ticket?
Are you serious?
Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
Let me apologize
for my friend here. I'm very sorry.
I'm really glad you're here.
We've had a rough night.
You know the show
Doogie Howser M. D.?
Great show.
God, I love that show. "Doogie."
Neil Patrick Harris
stole my car tonight.
Hey, NPH wouldn't do that,
all right?
Give me some I.D.
Excuse me, how can you
give him a ticket for jaywalking?
It's 2:30 in the morning.
There's not a car around here.
Kumar, shut up.
That's not the kind of tone
you want to use
on a cop who can bust your ass.
- Bust my ass?
- Yeah, Koo-mar.
Bust your ass.
What kind of name
is that anyhow? Koo-mar.
What is that,
like, five O's or two U's?
No, it's actually one U.
Yeah, bullshit.
Whatever happened to good old
American names like Dave or Jim?
- Harold.
- Harold.
- Are you kidd...
- Now that's a great name.
- Let me take care of this.
- You should be proud of that name, son.
As you were, ladies.
- $220?! Are you crazy?!
- Kumar, if you don't stop...
No, I understand exactly
what's going on here.
Excuse me, officer, let me
take a couple of guesses.
- I'm really sorry...
- Get your hands down!
- Okay, alright.
- No sudden moves. Back it up!
You were probably the big asshole
in your high school, right?
Absolutely right.
Used to pick on guys like us
every day, right?
With pleasure.
Then graduation day came,
and we went to college,
and you went nowhere,
and you thought,
"Hey, how can I
still give them shit?
I know, I'll become a cop."
Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations.
Your dream has come true.
Now, why don't you just take
this quiet little Asian guy
with the Anglicized name
that treats you so well
and give him a couple
of other tickets?
- Better yet, just take him to jail.
- Better idea.
Why don't you just arrest him?
Does that work out for you okay, Harold?
- "Great American name, Harold."
- Let's go, Harold.
Thanks to your buddy,
we're going downtow...
Oh, shit.
Well, thank you so much for
being understanding about Bradley.
I promise you
he won't ever do it again.
I'm sure he won't.
Right, Brad?
Yes, sir,
Officer Palumbo, sir.
- Mommy, can we go home?
- Get in the car, Bradley Thomas.
Bye, Brad.
Are you gonna do
something about my car?
First our top story.
The search for the escaped cheetah
continues tonight.
It was last spotted
in Randolph County. South of...
- So what are you in here for?
- For being black.
Seriously.
I am serious.
You wanna know what happened?
I was walking
out of a Barnes & Noble,
and a cop stops me.
Evidently a black guy
robbed a store in Newark.
I told him, "I haven't even been
to Newark in months."
So, he starts beating me
with his gun...
...telling me to stop resisting arrest.
- Holy shit! What'd you do?
I kept saying,
"I understand I'm under arrest.
Now please stop beating me."
I don't understand how
you can be so calm about all this.
Look at me.
I'm fat, black, can't dance,
and I have two gay fathers.
People have been
messing with me my whole life.
I learned a long time ago that
there's no sense getting all riled up
every time a bunch of idiots
give you a hard time.
In the end, the universe tends
to unfold as it should.
Plus I have a really large penis.
That keeps me happy.
Hey, hey, listen up, guys!
Multiple gunshots
fired in Millbrook Park.
Finally, some action.
I'm goin'!
- No, I'm goin'!
- Lock and load!
That was strange.
What the hell was that?
Rold. Is that you?
- Kumar?
- Are the cops still here?
What the hell are you doing?
I just called and made up some story
about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
- Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?
- I'm fucking starving.
I figured I'd bust you out
and we'd go get some burgers.
Forget it. I'm not getting
into any more trouble.
I'm already in here because of you.
Hey, fuck you!
What did you want me to do,
stand there and take the hit?
You know I've never
taken a swing at you, ever.
Well, I never got your car stolen.
- Fine. I'm leaving.
- Fine.
- Harold, how do I get out of here?
- How the hell should I know?
Shit! Oh, God, this isn't good.
My ass!
Sure you don't want
to get out of here?
And become a fugitive?
Are you nuts?
- The guy has all my information.
- So what?
We'll just take what he
wrote down about you and leave.
Unless you want to
stay here all night
and not be able to
turn in your work tomorrow.
Fine, hurry up.
Yes! All right,
we gotta find keys.
Oh, yes!
Sweet! I was hoping it would
be one of these big ring of keys.
- Kumar, hurry the fuck up.
- All right, yeah.
- Yes!
- Dude!
- Hey, what's that smell?
- What smell?
Kumar.
If we still have time.
We might still get by
Every time I think about it
I wanna cry
With bombs and the devil.
And the kids keep comin'
No way to breathe easy.
No time to be young
But I tell myself
that I'm doin' all right
There's nothin' left
to do at night
But go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy.
Crazy on you
Crazy on you
Bitch! Learn how to fuckin'
make coffee, you fuckin' whore!
Let me go crazy.
Crazy on you
I love you.
No, no, no.
No, baby, come on.
Hey, Kumar. Kumar!
Where are you...
Kumar!
Still in jail, asshole!
Come here!
Kumar! The cops...
You thought you'd
get away with it, huh?
I was in bed.
I didn't fire any gun. I swear.
Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!
What are you talking about?
I'm just sitting here.
He's trying to break free!
Get him!
- Aw, shit.
- Don't move!
Stop resisting!
We need backup now!
- He's got a gun.
- That's not a gun, that's a book.
- Secure the book!
- Book is secure.
You bring this filth in here?
What is this shit?
Wait, wait. We gotta
do something about this.
We're gonna teach you
how to read now, brother.
If I were you, I'd leave
as soon as possible.
- Whose hand is that?
- Thanks, man.
Jesus Christ.
Thanks for getting me out, man.
No problem. The burgers wouldn't
taste as good if you weren't there.
Hey, look at this.
It's like we went from being
completely poor to being millionaires.
- What was that?
- Probably just a coyote.
Aren't people supposed to
be scared of coyotes?
That's just
'cause they sound scary, man.
In one-on-one combat, either of us
could take down a coyote, no problem.
What?
Now, cheetahs are another story.
- We're gonna die.
- No, now hold on.
Cheetahs are used to
eating gazelles and shit.
They're not known
for eating humans.
That is a corpse.
We're gonna die.
Shit!
That's not a good sign.
Maybe if we just stay really,
really still, he'll just go away.
Okay.
Just stay really still.
Don't move, okay?
Just stay right there.
Very good. Good job.
This isn't working.
He's mauling me!
He's mauling me!
Dude, I told you not
to bring the beef jerky.
He likes me.
Hey, Rold, I have an idea.
- You gotta be kidding me, man.
- Uh-uh.
This is either a really smart move
or by far the stupidest thing
that we have ever tried.
Well, we're about to find out.
Mush!
I told you this was...
Oy vey!
Dude, am I really high,
or is this actually working?
- Both!
- This is awesome!
We're gonna be
at White Castle in no time!
That was close, huh, Roldy?
Harold.
I need you, Harold.
I need you, Harold.
Come here.
- Come here, Harold.
- Maria.
- Come, Harold.
- I'm coming, baby!
I want you to hold me.
Papi. I need you.
Baby, I'm a-comin'!
Not so fast.
Watch out, watch out
Come on!
Bullets... my only weakness.
How did you know?
Maria
Harold.
Maria.
Maria
Maria. Maria
Watch out, watch out
Watch out, watch out
What the hell
are you doing? God!
You've been out cold
for the past half-hour.
I figured maybe if I did
some gay shit you'd wake up.
If we did some gay shit?
Where are we?
Didn't we come here on a cheetah?
Where's the cheetah?
It ran away. Listen, forget
about the cheetah, okay?
I have some bad news
and some worse news.
Give me the worse news first.
I looked at some
of the road signs up there,
and it looks like the cheetah
took us in the wrong direction.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
All right, what's the bad news?
Your laptop's completely destroyed.
What?
Why didn't...
Why didn't you tell me...
How is that not
the worse news?
The laptop situation
really only affects you,
whereas the White Castle
situation affects both of us equally.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
All my work was saved
on this computer.
Now I gotta go back
to the office and redo it.
Exactly.
First we'll go to White Castle...
Forget about White Castle.
There is no time.
Car.
Hello. Over here!
Shit.
Whoa.
Yeah. Um...
All right,
we'll get a pay phone,
get a cab back
to your office, all right?
Come on. You all right?
- Hey, check this out!
- Yeah, nice!
Hey, Apu!
Jesus. These guys
are frickin' everywhere.
Who's looking after
the Kwik-E-Mart while you're gone?
You two going
to share a curry Slurpee?
Fucking assholes.
Dude, check it out.
It's Rosenberg and Goldstein.
I want that.
What, a Hot Dog Heaven
super chili cheese dog?
No. I want that feeling.
The feeling that comes over a man
when he gets
exactly what he desires.
I need that feeling.
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
- We gotta go to White Castle.
- Yes, yes!
I knew you had it in you, dude.
Yo, is that Cindy Kim?
Oh, dude, you should've boned her
when you had the chance, man.
Check it out.
Why don't you guys
just leave us alone?
What are you gonna
do about it, Mr. Miyagi?
That's extreme, man!
There's no sense
getting all riled up
every time a bunch of idiots
give you a hard time.
The universe tends
to unfold as it should.
Nothing.
- Fucking extreme!
- I'm so sick of their bullshit.
Don't worry. The universe
tends to unfold as it should.
What is that,
some fortune cookie?
Hey, I got a plan.
Follow my lead, okay?
- Your lead?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Whoa, what are you doing?
Oh, shit!
Those pricks!
- This is your plan?
- It's working, isn't it?
Come on, come on!
Get 'em, guys!
- Jerk-offs!
- My truck!
Thank you, come again.
Dude, that was so not extreme.
I know, Extreme Sport Punk
Number One.
I know.
Let's find us some tunes, baby.
"Cole's Extreme Mix, Volume 5"?
What is this shit?
And I need you now tonight
Those guys are fuckin' posers.
And if you'll only hold me tight
Baby. Baby. The stars
are shining foryou
And just like me.
I'm sure that they adore you
Baby. Baby
Go walking through the forest
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day
And you break free
from the chains
Yeah. I know that there is pain
But you hold on
for one more day
And you break free
right from the chains
Someday somebody's gonna
make you wanna turn around
- And say good-bye
- Say good-bye
Until then, baby
Are you gonna let 'em
hold you down and make you cry?
Don't you know
things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Hold on
Bingo.
Yeah, dude! Cherry Hill, man.
We're almost there.
I told you, man!
I found 'em,
and I'm gonna need backup.
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
Fudge, dude.
Are you kidding me?
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm not going back to jail, man.
We've come too far.
Now buckle up. Buckle up!
We got a chase on our hands.
- Ready?
- Yeah. For what?
Oh, shit!
- Where the fuck you takin' us?
- Just hold on.
What the...
It's a good thing I have an empty
stomach or else I'd puke right now.
We're gonna make it.
Everything's gonna be all ri...
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit. Holy shit.
- Put her in reverse. Hurry!
- Shit!
Let's go out the back.
I'll go first.
- Don't shake the car!
- Well, hurry up!
Hey, Roldy, check it out.
Shit, shit!
We're trapped, man!
Whoa. Not necessarily.
No.
No, not a chance.
I'd rather turn myself in than die.
No, dude, I know
exactly how to do that.
I used to do it with my dad
all the time when I was a kid.
Forget it! I'm not risking my life
over a bunch of hamburgers, man.
So you think this is
just about the burgers, huh?
Let me tell you,
it's about far more than that.
Our parents came to this country,
escaping persecution,
poverty, and hunger.
Hunger, Harold.
They were very, very hungry.
They wanted to live in a land
that treated them as equals,
a land filled with hamburger stands.
And not just
one type of hamburger, okay?
Hundreds of types with different
sizes, toppings, and condiments.
That land was America.
America, Harold! America!
Now, this is about achieving
what our parents set out for.
This is about the pursuit
of happiness.
This night...
is about the American dream.
Dude, we can stay here,
get arrested,
and end our hopes of ever
going to White Castle.
Or we can take that hang glider
and make our leap towards freedom.
I leave the decision up to you.
I hate you, Kumar.
Tilt forward.
- Roldy.
- What?
- Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine.
- All right.
- Good job, Rold. Keep running.
- Thank you.
Hey, Roldy, there's something
I forgot to tell you.
- I've never hang-glided before.
- What?!
Jump!
Oh, my God!
- Dude, it's working!
- Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Good news.
I just found enough dope in the car
to put these skateboard punks
in jail for the next couple of years.
- Dude, we're so high right now.
- We're not low.
All right, I'm bringing her in.
Right, left, left.
Perfect!
- Shit!
- Shit!
God!
I'm gonna kill you!
Look!
We made it, dude.
Looks like you guys
had some night, huh?
I want 30 Slyders, 5 French fries,
and 4 large Cherry Cokes.
I want the same, except
make mine Diet Cokes, Chuck.
Wow. Well, that comes
to $46.75.
- Dude, where's my money?
- You don't have money?
- Dude, are you kidding me?
- No.
I gave mine
to that asshole at Princeton.
Fuck! Fuck that hippie fuck!
No! Dude, this isn't happening!
We didn't make it here,
and now we're broke!
No, no, no, no!
Guys, let me pay for it.
It's the least I can do.
The hell are you doing here?
You guys kept talking about
White Castle last night so much,
it made me start to crave it, too.
- Dude, where's my car?
- Where's his car, dude?
Yeah, sorry about that.
I told you last night I was tripping balls.
I don't know what came over me.
Your car's in the parking lot.
Here are your keys.
Do you realize what the hell we had to
go through after you took the car?
Yeah. It was a dick move
on my part.
That's why I'm paying
for your meal. Prick.
Thanks, I guess.
Here's 50 bucks for the burgers
and 200 for the car.
What happened to my car?
I made some love stains
in the back seat.
You'll see.
Anyway, nice meeting you guys.
I'll catch you later.
Where are you going?
Wherever God takes me.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's do this together.
Damn, that hit the spot.
- That was the best meal of my life.
- Mine, too.
You know what, dude?
I think I may actually go
to my interview today.
Are you serious?
You know, my whole life
I've just been scared
of being one of those nerdy
Indian guys turned doctor,
but tonight got me thinking.
There are far worse things
in this world than being tapped
for having a natural
ability in medicine.
Chick magnet. Chick magnet
Plus, how cool was that,
saving that dude's life last night?
It was somewhere between that,
getting yelled at by my dad,
and seeing Neil Patrick Harris
that I realized that I've
always wanted to be a doctor
but I've just been too scared
to admit it to myself.
- Billy, you paying for this?
- Yeah, I'll be there...
Good, 'cause if he wasn't,
you would.
Are you listening to me, Roldy?
I'm having a major epiphany here.
I'll be right back.
You're unlike any other woman
I've ever met.
What the fuck is going on here?
Harold?
What happened to you, man?
Never mind me.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I thought you and J.D.
Were busy all night with clients.
Isn't that why
I had to do your work?
- Henry, what the hell's going on?
- Back off, cock boy.
What I said to him
goes double for you.
- Did you just call me cock boy?
- Yeah, you know I did.
You're just stalling
because you're not quick
enough to think of a comeback.
You think I'm not quick enough.
Guy thinks I'm not quick enough.
Well, I've got news for you.
I am quick enough...
...cock boy!
Listen, Harold, I'm really sorry.
Don't bother with him. We'll take it up
with Berenson tomorrow.
What are you
gonna tell Berenson?
That I'm your workhorse?
That you guys think
you can party all weekend,
leave the work to
the quiet Asian guy in the office?
- No, you don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.
I'm not doing
your work for you anymore.
And if either one
of you douche bags
ever tries to pull
this shit again,
I'll go to Berenson myself.
I'll tell him what's really going on.
And I'll tell the whole office
how you both caught gonorrhea
from that prostitute in Atlantic City.
If you'll excuse me, boys,
I gotta get going. Kumar.
See you boys
at the office on Monday.
Excuse me.
Dude, that was awesome!
Where the hell did that come from?
I don't know.
Eating those delicious burgers
made me feel like a new man.
You know what?
Now I'm actually looking forward
to going to work this week.
No shit. You know,
you might be worthwhile after all.
I'm not worthless.
Hey, so those dudes
really have gonorrhea?
Beats me.
Hey.
- Let's get going.
- What's the rush, dude?
I don't have my interview
for a couple of hours.
I got some unfinished business
to take care of.
I thought those guys
were gonna do the work.
No, unfinished business.
- Maria.
- Still not following you.
Get in!
So you don't even have a plan.
Dude, I got love
on my side, man.
Trust me.
When I see Maria, I'm gonna
know exactly what to say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It looks like you guys
have had some night.
Shit. You know what?
I left my lighter in your car.
Do me a favor and run down
and get it for me, please?
I gotta urinate.
You sure got a lot of baggage.
Maria, wait.
I know this is gonna seem
completely out of the blue,
and I know you don't know me
very well... or, um, at all.
But let me tell you
the best part of my day is.
I come home from work
and I walk through this lobby,
and on days that I'm lucky enough,
I spend ten seconds
in this elevator with you.
I had the craziest night
of my life tonight,
and I guess I learned that
if you want something or someone,
you have to go for it.
And if Liane can
marry a guy like Freakshow
and I can hang-glide
and I can ride a cheetah,
then I guess...
Oh, fuck it.
Girl, I'm spendin' my dimes
Give me a minute.
This is crazy.
- That was... I'm sorry.
- I don't even know you.
I had White Castle,
so I'm a little dizzy.
- We don't ever speak.
- We don't talk, so that was inappropriate.
Oh, fuck it.
I wanna get next to you
I wanna get next to you
Okay.
Now you just have to work
on your timing.
- Where are you going?
- Amsterdam.
I'll be back in ten days.
But I'll see you when I get back?
Yeah, let's do that.
Bye, Harold.
Bye. Bye.
I'll see you later.
- She touch your penis?
- What?
What happened?
Nothing much, really.
Just a little kiss action.
Nice. Nice!
Yeah. She's going to Amsterdam.
She'll be back in ten days.
We gotta go.
- Where?
- Amsterdam, man.
- We gotta get our bags packed...
- Amsterdam?
...and frickin' take the next flight out.
Are you freaking out of your mind?
What about your interview?
Dude, whatever.
I'll tell my dad to reschedule it.
He won't have a problem as long as
I take it seriously for a change.
We gotta freakin' go to Europe
and find Maria.
Dude, she's coming back
in ten days.
It's not like I'm never
gonna see her again.
Listen, for a hot chick,
ten days in Europe
can be the kiss of death, okay?
She's gonna have all these suave,
sophisticated guys all over her.
When she gets back,
she may not be available.
Forget it. I'll see her
when she comes back.
Hey, Roldy.
You do realize what's legal
in Amsterdam, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
In today's headlines,
Rutgers professor Tarik Jackson
and attorney Nathaniel Banks are
suing the state of New Jersey
for racial discrimination
and police brutality.
My family and I are outraged
and will settle for
nothing less than justice.
I still trust and love
all white people, all of them.
And Asians.
And Asians.
And a few Mexicans as well.
Several of the officers
suspected of brutality
were taken into custody
earlier this morning.
Run away, you mother...
No black mother... gonna get away
with this, so... all y'all.
You can suck my...
Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey,
have just arrested
a gang of hooligans
who are suspected of terrorizing
numerous strip malls
and convenience stores.
Officer Thurmond Brucks
found their abandoned car,
which contained a large bag
of marijuana.
And in other news,
the Muckleburg Police Department
are still looking for a fugitive
who escaped
from the police station last night
with a companion
believed to be his accomplice.
Police have released
sketches of the two fugitives
which they believe
to be extremely accurate.
Nice!