Heaven Can Wait (1978) Movie Script

Break! Let's move it.
20! 29!
All right. You take the inside.
On this one,
you take the inside. 54...
Ready, set...
Back! Throw! Throw! Throw the ball!
Touchdown, Joe.
- Looking good, isn't he?
- What?
Pendleton. He's looking awful good.
Fall into it.
All right. Come on, baby.
Set... Hike!
Good movement.
Let's try it again.
Go deep.
He's looking awful good.
Here we go.
Hustle back, hustle back.
Come on, guys. Come on.
Opposite left, play past 35.
X-curl on 1.
Ready? Break.
4-3, set!
- Play past 29...
- 2-81!
Pass! Pass! Pass!
Ball! Ball! Ball!
Once again, we had a foul-up
on that scrimmage.
The fullback has been
slow on his block.
The guard almost ran into him.
We got to do it till it's right.
Formation left. Screen right on 2.
Ready? Break!
Right, left! Right, left!
Looking awful good.
I'm thinking of starting him
on Sunday.
- What about Jarrett?
- Pendleton's looking better.
Pass! Pass! Pass!
Ball! Ball! Ball!
- Is he still on cortisone?
- No.
Any kind of painkiller?
- Nothing.
- He's looking awful good.
Ball! Ball! Ball!
I never saw a knee like that
heal without surgery.
- He's looking awful good.
- Looking good.
Thanks a lot.
- Oh, hi, Joe. How's the knee?
- Good.
What do you think
of the Rams' chances?
We're going to the Super Bowl to win.
- No, off the record.
- Off the record?
We're going to the Super Bowl to win.
- Sure. What about your competition?
- Competition?
- Jarrett.
- My competition's 25 other teams.
- Yeah!
- How you doing?
What's in this brown stuff?
Oh, that's mainly whipped liver.
- Liver?
- Yep.
I put a little whey in it, then mix
it with a little alfalfa sprouts,
and some bean curd, and spinach.
It's nice, isn't it?
It's a liver and whey shake.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Joe
Happy birthday to you
I didn't think anybody knew.
Thanks for coming, Max.
- Put it here.
- I hope you have a lot more.
Thank you. That's...
What's this?
You know something?
At my age, in any other business,
I'd be young.
Look at it this way...
Soon you can get into another
business and have a real life.
I don't know what that means.
This is the only business I know
that's real. I'm stuck.
What do you mean, stuck?
I've been working my whole life
to get a chance
to do something, and...
I don't know if I'm ever going
to get a chance to do it.
- No, it's all right.
- I'll fix your neck.
- Don't do that, Joe.
- Wait a minute.
- How's that?
- Oh, boy. Yeah.
It scares the hell out of me
every time you do that.
If you don't watch how your trapezius
goes into your deltoids,
you're going to throw off your entire
cervical and your lumbar areas.
Since I'm the only guy
knows how to fix that,
- you should listen to me.
- Maybe you should trade places.
You be the trainer.
I'll start on Sunday.
Yeah... what?
- I'm starting against Dallas?
- Yeah.
They don't want Jarrett.
They want you.
Happy birthday, Joe.
Hey, my watch stopped.
It keeps flashing the same time.
I'm dreaming, huh?
Well, I...
This is an aeroplane dream.
I forget what they mean.
I think they're a good sign.
Mr Pendleton.
Mr Pendleton, you must wait for me.
I'm your escort.
Wait for me, please, Mr Pendleton.
The end of the line,
Mr Pendleton, please.
Hi. How you doing? You want
to hear a little music?
- You have to wait in line.
- What? This is my dream, isn't it?
You mustn't get out of line. Really!
- Chamberlain, Paul R.
- All right.
I've brought the final passenger.
This manifest is complete.
- Hi.
- You cannot board before your turn.
I don't need a turn.
I'm not boarding.
You don't understand. This is not
your ultimate destination.
That will take you to it.
I'm not going. I'm going to run
around till I wake up.
I'm afraid I haven't fully explained
how this system is organised.
The rules derive from yours -
a product of your image and that
of those who share your image.
Violate the rules, the principles...
You want to see a trick?
I do this to keep
my abductor pollicis limber.
I don't have a lot of patter with it.
Feel that. That's a 50-cent piece.
I just throw that
into that hand, you see.
I say the magic words, abracadabra.
And then presto, it's gone.
Now, you probably think
I still have it.
You're wrong, cos I can see it
coming out of your ear.
That's the only trick I know.
- Mr Pendleton!
- Gentlemen?
Gentlemen, what's the delay?
We've received a new arrival
who refuses to board.
That's impossible. Have you
explained the rules to him?
- Yes, sir.
- Quite clearly?
- Yes, sir.
- And what was his rebuttal?
He took a coin out of my ear.
Did he? Perhaps I should
have a word with him.
Yes, sir. Mr Pendleton!
He's right over there, sir.
- Mr Pendleton!
- Yeah. Hey, you can call me Joe.
How you doing?
Mr Pendleton,
do you know where you are?
I'm in the middle
of a really weird dream.
- You see the problem?
- Joe, come here.
Look at me and listen carefully
to what I'm saying.
- This is not a dream.
- Yeah.
Life has a certain quality all its
own, a certain feeling. So do dreams.
You know that this is not life,
and you know now
that this is not a dream.
This is a place that comes
after life and after dreams.
I'm sure you'll aware of that
and will take your place.
Are you telling me...?
I'm not supposed to be here.
But you are here.
You guys made a mistake.
This is insupportable.
You're talking to Mr Jordan.
- Anybody can make a mistake.
- Mr Jordan, we're due to take off.
I have the situation in hand.
If you don't take your place, the
others can't complete their journey.
- Is that fair?
- I'm not supposed to be fair.
If this is heaven,
YOU'RE supposed to be fair.
This is not heaven.
It's a way station.
- There is no mistake.
- Check on Joseph Pendleton.
When is he due to arrive
at this way station?
Sir, I don't understand.
A check? Why?
The likelihood of one being right
increases in proportion
to how much others try
to prove him wrong.
Pendleton, Joseph. Due to arrive
10.17 am, March 20th, 2025.
Sir, I really can't believe it. I...
I took him out
just before the accident.
You did what?!
You're not supposed to do that,
you must wait for the outcome.
But I was so sure, and it looked
like it would be painful.
- Wait. Are you saying...?
- Is this your first assignment?
Yes, sir.
Haven't you learned the rules?
Every question of life and death
is a probability until the outcome.
So he jumped the gun.
Just put me back
and we'll forget the whole thing.
This man must be put back
into his body at once.
Thanks, Mr Jordan.
Hey, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Hey, hey, Max.
- Max, I'm back.
- He can't hear you, Mr Pendleton.
I hope they got the best football
team in America in heaven,
and I hope God makes you
Oh. Max, I'm going to get
my body back.
Where's my body?
Oh, dear.
Cremated. I see.
I'm starting against Dallas
on Sunday.
The body you occupied
on Earth has been cremated.
Uncremate me! You must be able
to do something right.
Do the words "not being a good sport"
mean anything to you?
We can put you
into another man's body,
provided his death
has not yet been discovered.
Are you kidding? Put me
into the body of another man?
I just got my body back in shape.
Joe, the only way you can return to
life is in the body of another man.
I shall have to take charge
of this case personally.
Incredibly graceful. He's about
your age and in perfect condition.
He's too short.
He'd never see over the line.
You know what kind of shape you gotta
be in to get to the Super Bowl?
Yes, Joe. I understand.
- He's not talking English.
- I told you he was German.
Hey, you talk any English?
We can't be seen or heard, Joe.
Well, I don't want to talk German.
- I gotta call plays in English.
- Joe, if you could not so much lower
but broaden your standards.
We've seen many bodies
and the choices are becoming limited.
- Julia, I beg of you.
- I want a drink.
- There's plenty...
- I've got to have a drink.
Mr Farnsworth loathes
cold cucumber soup.
Hey, this is some house.
Who lives here?
Leo Farnsworth,
a man of enormous power.
...later this afternoon.
Thank you, Sisk.
Just leave the door open
as you leave, Sisk.
Thank you very much.
The more servants who see us,
the better.
- You're kidding?
- That's not Farnsworth.
- Give me a drink.
- No.
Who are they?
His wife and confidential secretary.
You hate me.
- Don't be ridiculous. I love you.
- I want a drink! Tony...
It would be better
if you didn't drink.
How long will it be
before they find him?
I don't know, darling. Not long.
- I'm glad we did it.
- We couldn't help it.
It would be better
if you'd try not to unravel now.
Thank you, Julia.
- Is Farnsworth dead yet?
- Not yet.
What's the matter with him?
He can't keep his eyes open.
He's been drugged by those two
downstairs. This is a murder.
You see how he's slowly
sliding into the water?
Hey, somebody, get...!
Hey, get a doctor.
There's a guy...
Get a doctor. You got a guy
drowning in the bathtub.
- You left a pot on the carpet.
- I can't hold everything at once.
Mrs Farnsworth would kill you,
if she saw that.
Hey, somebody! You got, uh...
- Give me a drink!
- Please.
- Don't go overboard.
- Look, everyone wanted him dead.
I should be canonised!
Perhaps one drink.
- Where can he be?
- I'm sorry.
What harm can that do him?
He deserves to be dead.
They didn't? No kidding?
They're murderers.
- What's going on?
- I'm sorry, sir. It's Miss Logan,
- to see Mr Farnsworth.
- Show her in.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, my God...
No. It's the perfect alibi.
She insists on seeing him.
Let's find another body.
A servant will find him.
Excuse yourself and keep Sisk
with you at all times...
Let's get out of here.
Miss Logan, sir.
Oh, Miss Logan. I'm Tony Abbott.
This is the library.
That's Mrs Farnsworth.
Hello. I'm going
into the living room.
- Want to come, Sisk?
- Oh, certainly, madam.
I'm Mr Farnsworth's personal
and private executive secretary.
I didn't know whether you knew that.
- I'm sorry he's not down yet.
- That's all right. I'll wait.
- Would you take a seat?
- No, thank you.
Perhaps you'd like
to tell me what it's about.
Mr Farnsworth has been sent
hundreds of letters
from Pagglesham in England.
The people who live there -
1,600, including my father -
are to be evicted from their homes
to make way for the proposed
Exo-Grey refinery.
Hundreds of families
will be forced to find other homes.
The few who remain
will have their health endangered
by poisoning of their air and water,
the evidence for which I have here,
along with a petition signed
by the 1,673 citizens of that area.
This is what I'm here
to see Mr Farnsworth about.
Mr Farnsworth conducts business
at his office.
I've been to his office.
He refused to see me.
I seriously doubt he'd see you here.
He'll have to, I'm not leaving.
I'm sorry?
I'm not leaving.
I've come 8,000 miles
to do something
about a terrible injustice
that this man has perpetrated
on hundreds of defenceless people.
- Somebody ought to help her.
- You can help her.
You can be Farnsworth.
If Mr Farnsworth doesn't see me,
I don't know what I'll do.
Is that a threat?
I'd like to help
but not as Farnsworth.
The decision is yours.
You give me no choice, Sisk!
If I had to be Farnsworth,
could we do it temporary?
We could arrange that if you wish it.
Sisk, please tell Mr Farnsworth Miss
Logan is here and refuses to leave.
Yes, sir.
If you really want to help her,
you'd better hurry.
- Well, it's only temporary, right?
- That's correct.
Only Farnsworth can help her.
Once the body's discovered,
it'll be too late.
That's me.
I haven't changed.
It's just me.
Mr Farnsworth?
Now what do we do?
Are you there, sir?
I'll never get away with this.
What will we do now?
Are you all right?
- Answer him.
- People can hear me now?
- Of course.
- But he knows the other guy's voice.
Mr Farnsworth,
is everything all right?
Answer him.
Will you take it easy?
I'll be out in a minute.
Very good, sir.
It works.
Of course. You haven't changed.
You're still Joe Pendleton.
That's what you and I see.
But outwardly, you're Leo Farnsworth,
and that's what everyone else sees.
Miss Betty Logan is downstairs, sir.
She insists on seeing you.
Will you dress?
Oh, sure, sure.
Very good, sir.
You mean I sound like this guy,
no matter what I talk like?
I beg your pardon, Mr Farnsworth?
You see?
Julia, Julia, please, please, dear.
- Please, dear, not now. Not now.
- I want a sip.
You're sorry you have me, aren't you?
You wish he were alive.
- Julia, please.
- Why don't you say it's not true?
- You didn't say it's not true.
- It's not true.
- Say it again.
- Darling, it's not true.
I don't hate you. I love you.
- There, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Your helmet, sir.
Your polo helmet, sir.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. Do I play polo?
- Oh, not really, sir.
- Sir?
Thank you. Thank you.
- This Logan girl is a godsend.
- What's taking so long?
Pretend you're reading.
- All right.
- You go up.
Miss Logan, sir.
Hi. How you doing?
I'm not leaving until you've
heard what I have to say.
Uh, oh, yeah. Well, good.
Mr Farnsworth, you've been sent
hundreds of letters from Pagglesham.
- I know about that.
- Have you read the letters?
Well... Er...
- Well, no.
- No. I suspected as much.
That's why I've flown over here.
I and the 1,673 people I represent
and whose names are on this petition
will not have their futures
determined by bureaucrats
at the beck and call
of certain industrialists
for whom the elderly and children
are just figures in a ledger.
- Do I make myself clear?
- Yeah, but...
There are no buts. You can call
your guards and have me dragged out.
- It would be bad publicity.
- Well...
- Why don't just sit down?
- I prefer to stand.
We can stand.
I've made it my business to find out
about Exo-Grey Industries.
Facts that would make
interesting newspaper copy.
Your tea, Mr Farnsworth.
Oh, right... Yeah.
My tea.
Will there be anything else,
Mr Farnsworth?
No. I think that's about it.
Thanks a lot.
You want some tea?
I want to know what you're
doing about Pagglesham.
It's what we're talking about!
These people care very much
that their community
isn't destroyed in the name
of free enterprise.
A community where families
have lived for generations...
I know.
These people will not let you
intimidate and frighten them.
I don't frighten anybody.
What in God's name was that?
Well, that...
My... my Mrs Farnsworth.
Sorry to disturb you.
Mrs Farnsworth saw a mouse,
but she's better now.
She just saw a mouse?
No. Before. Outside.
But she relives it.
I'll be in the other room
if you need me, sir. Excuse me.
What's the matter with her?
Well, listen. I don't know.
It's really none of my business.
- Your wife's not your business?
- You don't understand.
I understand one thing. We will
never let you build that refinery.
All right. I'll build my refinery
in some other place.
Very funny. If you think I'm going
back to Pagglesham, you're wrong.
You're not afraid of me.
You think a schoolteacher is no
challenge for a famous industrialist.
- Believe me...
- Will you please listen?
- Just be quiet a minute.
- Leo...
Just let me say one thing.
- What is it?
- Sit down.
- Why?
- If you'd just sit down,
I think I can explain something
that'll clear this whole thing up.
I'm not really Leo Farnsworth.
- What?
- My name is Joe.
Very funny, Mr Farnsworth.
I'm sure you enjoy playing
these insulting little games.
However, I know about
your board meeting on Thursday,
which may mean nothing to you,
but if you think you can treat women
with the same manipulative contempt
your company treats
communities of the world,
you've a lot to learn about
the strength of people like myself.
Don't think you're getting away
with this. You're not!
You got till that board
meeting on Thursday
to find me a body
that can play quarterback.
Darling, I'm going to let you go.
I'm going to let you go now.
Please stop screaming.
Listen. There is nothing
to be frightened of.
There's plenty to be worried about,
but nothing to be frightened of.
Are you all right? Can I trust you?
Yes, dearest?
- You locked me in a closet.
- Only for a moment.
- What did you tell him?
- You saw a mouse.
Look, I'm no good
at spur-of-the-moment alibis.
He's probably got enough evidence
to lock us away forever.
I don't understand this.
I saw him inhale the nose spray.
He never really inhaled it.
He overheard us somehow.
Maybe he's got us bugged right now.
No, an electronics expert
sweeps the place daily.
- He's afraid of being bugged, too.
- He's playing with us.
He's playing a game with us,
that's what it is.
You locked me in a closet. Why?
Mr Farnsworth would like
to see you now.
Yes, indeed. Yes. Would you
excuse me, Mrs Farnsworth?
Yes, of course, Mr Abbott.
We could raise it at the meeting,
but I'm sure it's legal.
But can't something be legal
but still wrong?
- In what sense?
- Bad for somebody else.
What are you referring to?
Like this refinery in Pagglesham.
- Was that the living room?
- That was my office.
- My coordination is shot?
- Yes, sir.
- Just not my day.
- No, sir.
I wanted to discuss the Haitian
arrangement. The 2.5 million acres.
- 2.5 million acres?
- The sugar deal.
- It's no good.
- The deal?
No, the sugar. It's bad for the body.
Shall I speak
to the Haitian ambassador?
No, check on Pagglesham,
see if we're hurting anybody.
- If we're hurting anybody?
- Yeah.
Is the wicket bugged?
We certainly wouldn't
want to hurt anybody.
That's the last thing Exo-Grey
would ever want to do, right?
Yeah. We don't want to hurt anybody.
Thank you.
He pretended not to know
what a stockholder was!
I can't tell if he's toying with me
or actually precipitating a crisis.
He's toying.
He won't forget being drugged.
- Why would he pretend?
- Why pretend to inhale the spray?
To bait us.
He's waiting for us to crack.
Do you think he's playing
that saxophone? It's a tape.
That's why we keep hearing
the same song.
It's like those
idiot costumes of his...
You are dumb, aren't you?
Thanks. Thank you.
Their magic number is one,
meaning a Ram victory Sunday
or next week against the Falcons
or a 49er loss, and the Rams clinch
the NFL Western Division title.
The way they're playing,
the team feels this is the Rams' year
to go to the Super Bowl.
Jarrett has completed an astounding
62% of his passes for 18 touchdowns.
The defence has given up
but 10 points a game,
while the offence
scores 21 points a game.
The Rams' record is the best...
What you're saying is that
nobody should have that information,
because if two big companies get
together, they're worth more money?
Yes, sir.
That's why the rumour of a merger
makes the price of the stock rise.
If it's supposed to be a secret,
how does the rumour start?
Well, sir, wrong as it seems,
they leak it.
But that's dishonest.
Yes, it is.
if I got a board meeting tomorrow,
I got to do a lot
of studying tonight.
Yes, sir.
How you doing down there?
Oh, I'm doing fine.
Thank you very much.
Yeah? Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Say, thanks for dinner.
I think we should do it right away.
Sisk, may we have some
more coffee, please?
And now for your hat, sir.
Do you wish the homburg
or the bowler, sir,
or something that makes
more of a statement?
Whatever you say.
Why have I got so many
of these sailor outfits?
Oh, sir, you have
always fancied the sea.
Do I sail?
Not really, sir.
Mr Farnsworth,
I'm Helen Rich from The Times.
I have this petition
from the citizens of Pagglesham.
Do you plan to do anything about it?
We're taking it into consideration.
We really have to be going.
Excuse us.
Is it true that the new factories
will displace 11 communities?
- Is it that many?
- They granted permits, didn't they?
- I guess so, if we got 'em.
- How did Exo-Grey get those permits?
Beats me. I guess we bribed somebody.
- He's joking.
- Funny.
Really, we must be going.
- What about Acrilonitrile?
- What about what?
The toxic substance released
by the plastic bottles you market,
despite the lawsuit forcing you to
delay until the effects are tested.
- We really must go.
- I've been studying this thing.
I've got it figured out, so come
and see what's going on yourselves.
- You can't have outsiders...
- Sure we can. Come in, everybody.
Is he kidding?
This can be taken care of.
Hi. How you doing, everybody?
These people are reporters
from some of the newspapers.
I thought it would be good
if they saw how we did things.
Leo, this is a very
dangerous precedent.
We have a very full agenda
today already.
I don't see that we
have time for a press...
Mr Farnsworth, is it true that
an accident in your nuclear plant
could stimulate seismic activity
in the San Andreas Fault
and destroy most
of southern California?
I think you'd have to define destroy.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to make something clear.
The Exo-Grey nuclear facility
has a foolproof
built-in safety system that
guarantees no danger of any kind.
That's rubbish.
If there's no danger,
why are we in a lawsuit?
It's a protest, not a lawsuit.
The point is
we're doing something wrong.
Everybody's suing us.
We got a lawsuit from a refinery,
a nuclear lawsuit,
a guy named Porpoise is suing us.
Mr Farnsworth,
that's an ecological suit
against our canning factory
for destroying porpoises.
For God's sake, he knows that.
We can porpoises?
- Our San Diego fleet...
- As everybody knows,
we can tuna... and in netting the
tuna, we kill a number of porpoises.
Since they're mammals of alleged high
intelligence, there's been an outcry.
Yeah, well... Yeah... Yeah.
I would just like
to ask you a question.
Why is he bringing the press in here?
- You know Leo Farnsworth.
- Maybe I don't know him.
We have a responsibility
to thousands of shareholders
of moderate means, less well off than
the ecological groups fighting us.
If we were a football team,
would you call this a winning season?
I haven't the faintest idea...
Just generally. Would you say
we got a winning season?
I would say on balance we have had
an extremely good year.
We've got a winning season.
What do you do when
you're ahead in the game?
- I don't know what you want.
- You don't make mistakes.
You don't gamble unnecessarily.
You protect your lead.
You don't pass from your own end.
You make sure nobody gets hurt.
You got to use these
guys in the next game.
We won this game. We got to stay
in shape for the rest of the game.
It's like when everybody was supposed
to stop eating grapes.
I didn't because I like grapes.
A lot of guys will keep eating tuna.
What if we had a good-guy
tuna company on the porpoise team?
A lot of guys would buy that so their
kids wouldn't get mad, right?
I don't think they're
taking into account... the expense.
We don't care how much it costs,
just how much it makes.
If it costs too much,
we charge a penny more.
Would you pay more
to save a fish who thinks?
- Wait...
- We handle all lawsuits that way.
Let other teams build plants
in the wrong places.
Let the other quarterback
throw a gurgle
so newspapers get hold of it
and stockholders don't like it.
Let's be the team that makes the
rules. Let's be the popular players.
Forget these nuclear power plants
until we know they're safe.
That Pagglesham refinery,
we'll have to relocate it.
It'll cost us $35 million,
but we don't care,
because we'll come out ahead
in the end.
That plastic stuff we're making,
we'll have to stop.
We're not here for just one game.
We're going all the way
to the Super Bowl!
When we get there,
let's already have won!
Hi. How you doing?
Fine, thank you.
Very well. I'm just...
What is happening?
...give the Rams advantage
through the playoffs.
The Super Bowl is set
for the Coliseum.
If he weren't going to be dead soon,
he'd need years of psychiatric help.
Let's do it tonight.
The Rams will probably face Dallas
in the opening round. If they win...
- Mr Pendleton.
- Hey!
Am I glad to see you.
Line up any bodies yet?
We haven't got a lot of time. Lf...
I... The...
...and only four measly field goals...
Er, hi. I... I'm just...
What's up?
We have several
interesting probabilities.
I kept my word to Betty Logan.
Did you find a body in good shape?
I want to see some bodies.
...someone who can throw.
The Super Bowl's coming up.
You must have checked out
a lot of bodies...
- Who is it?
- It's Sisk, sir.
Come in, Sisk.
Sorry to disturb you, Mr Farnsworth,
but Miss Betty Logan is downstairs
and asks if she might have
a moment of your time.
Er... Tell her I'll be right down.
Very good, sir.
Do you...? Do you wish
the door closed, sir?
Er... closed is fine. Thank you.
Do your best.
I gotta find out what she wants.
I don't know
what you must think of me
after my behaviour
at our first meeting,
but I feel I must tell you what an
extraordinary thing you did today.
Quite extraordinary.
- You don't have to say...
- No.
- Because I...
- It's...
You know what? You look a little
pale. You want something to eat?
- Well...
- I'll be right back.
Bentley. Everett.
Miss Logan's going to
have dinner with us.
Whip up a liver and whey shake.
Where you going?
Oh, I thought...
You thought I meant to go out.
Sisk, we're going out. Come on.
Bentley! Everett!
We're going out and eat. Good idea.
Which hat would you prefer?
Look, I don't want to wear a hat.
I'm sick of hats.
Don't show me any more hats.
- Understand?
- Yes, sir. No more hats.
Do you eat here often?
Are you...? Now, look...
I just didn't think you'd want people
to see you out with a guy like me.
I see.
Pick up 24. Pick up 28.
I'm sorry. I just can't stop
staring at you.
I seem to be staring at you, too.
Even when I was trying to hate you,
I saw something else.
- Something...
- What?
In your eyes. Does that sound silly?
When you see that, it doesn't matter
who a person is or anything.
What is it?
This isn't what I thought
was going to happen to me.
Listen, I got to talk
to somebody right away.
Would you mind if I took you home?
I... Good night.
Good night.
By the way, I'm getting a divorce.
But you and your wife
aren't even separated.
Oh, sure we are. It's a big house.
- Hey! How you doing, Bentley?
- Fine, sir.
- Mr Pendleton?
- Oh. Hi. Uh...
I don't want that body
we talked about.
Something happened tonight.
This is an outrage.
We've gone to enormous difficulty
to find an athlete.
I did want it, but something happened
with Betty Logan
and I changed my mind.
I'll get Farnsworth into shape.
I'll get Corkle to help me.
- Back in there?
- Oh, yes.
I can do it.
I know more about getting
into shape than anybody.
So hold up on that body.
Hold up on the body?
Tell Mr Jordan not to worry about it.
Thank him.
I'm sorry, I want to get
into shape with this body.
You leave me speechless.
I have nothing to say to that.
I can't even think how to retort
to something as ridiculous
as turning down a body
we've gone to such extremes to find.
An athlete in prime condition.
What can I say?
What do I do with his cocoa?
I don't want to disturb him,
but dare I let it get cold?
I notice there are two cups.
Sisk felt since he was pretending
to talk to somebody,
he might want to pretend
to give him cocoa, too.
Hey, how you doing, Everett?
How you doing, Bentley?
Hurry up.
Wait a minute.
Just a minute, please. All right.
Sorry to bother you, but we don't
love each other. Let's get divorced.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Come on. Yes, you do.
Abbott, there's a trainer
for the Rams named Max Corkle.
Could you call and ask
him to come see me?
Yes, Mr Farnsworth.
Thank you. Good night.
You idiot! You idiot!
Why did you answer him?
I couldn't resist.
His will is too strong.
That's our weekend forecast.
Now here's tonight's sports.
Leach and Char will have to...
He's dead. It's over with.
...left for Philadelphia
this morning...
At last, at last.
- At last, my dearest.
- It's incredible.
Yes! Just a minute. Yes!
Yes, Sisk.
And, Abbott, Corkle's number
is 654-1654. All right?
- Yes, Mr Farnsworth.
- OK.
Oh, my God.
Right this way.
Mr Farnsworth is waiting for you
in the ballroom. Follow me, please.
Mr Corkle, sir.
Max. How you doing?
Lost a little weight, huh?
Have we met?
Sort of. Yeah.
Thanks, Sisk. Hey.
I hear you got all Joe Pendleton's
athletic equipment.
Yeah. How d'you know that?
I'd like to buy it.
I'd like to bring it in here.
No, I'm sorry, Mr Farnsworth.
That's not for sale.
- No?
- What do you want it for?
I've got to get in shape.
I'd like you to help me train.
- Oh, train?
- Yeah. As soon as I'm ready...
I want you to get me
a tryout with the Rams.
What are you trying out for?
Yeah, well, the point is,
Mr Farnsworth,
we already got a quarterback
working with the team.
We got a couple
of pretty good backups.
You call Hodges good, huh?
The point is
we don't need a quarterback.
Why don't you try another team?
The Oakland Raiders are close.
Give them a call.
I want to play quarterback
and get in shape for the Super Bowl.
What would it cost to try out?
Look, Mr Farnsworth,
no team wants a crazy trainer,
and only a crazy trainer
would arrange a tryout for you.
You keep your money,
I'll keep my job,
and we'll keep this little
misunderstanding to ourselves.
Hey, that's all right,
I'll finish that up.
What would you say if I told you
I was a professional football player?
Boy, hey, these... These are nice.
Max... You know how people die?
Yeah. Why?
And after they die,
they go to heaven?
I guess, if... if they're good.
I mean, why not?
You know how it works in heaven?
- Not exactly.
- It's probability and outcome.
I never knew that.
Say there's a probability
that some guy's going to die.
An escort from his way station
gets a signal.
He goes down
and waits for the outcome.
If the guy lives,
the escort wasted a trip.
If he dies, he takes him back
to his way station.
He puts him in line for his
final destination. You follow?
Yeah. Mind if I smoke?
Go ahead. Let's say there's
a new escort. He gets a signal.
He takes off and sees a guy
riding a bicycle into a tunnel.
The car's coming the other way.
The escort's supposed to wait,
but he's new and figures
the guy's a goner.
He figures, why should I
have the car hit him?
Why not take him out
a few seconds early
and take him up to his way station?
Listen, I... need a match.
That clock, that's a lighter.
So the thing is, the guy he takes up
to the way station
isn't just some ordinary guy.
He's an athlete
with fantastic reflexes.
He wouldn't have hit
the car at all.
- How do you light this?
- There.
The guy wasn't really dead.
His number wasn't up for years.
He would have missed the car.
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
Is this lighter right?
Max! They're supposed to put him
back in his body,
but he's been cremated.
- They have to find another body.
- Look, Mr Farnsworth,
I'm just a trainer. What you need
is like a really good doctor.
Don't you understand?
Sure. That's a hell of a story.
Max, you... Mr Jordan.
I'm so glad to see you.
I'm trying to get Farnsworth
into shape for the Super Bowl.
- I want Corkle to help me.
- Somebody with us?
- Who are you talking to?
- Mr Jordan. He runs the way station.
You can't see him.
You're still alive.
You two probably got a lot
to talk about. I'll be on my way.
- Wait a second, Max.
- Tell him who you are, Joe.
He'll never believe me.
Can't you tell him?
He's the only person who can get me
a tryout with the Rams.
You can make him believe you.
- Look at me.
- Mr Farnsworth...
Max! I'm not Farnsworth.
I'm Joe Pendleton.
Farnsworth's wife
and secretary murdered him.
This is a body they found for me.
They drugged him, stuck him
in a bath, then I stepped in.
It's not bad material.
I can get it into shape.
I don't want to hear any more.
- Max, please.
- I... want to get out of here.
- Max.
- I won't tell a word to anybody.
I promise.
It'll be our little secret.
A secret? Like your sister
and the Coca-Cola salesman?
- What about the scar on your tongue?
- How did you...?
What did you do
at your uncle's wedding?
What about the first time
I fixed your neck in Pittsburgh?
Now do you believe me, Max?
Please say you believe me.
They don't have a team in heaven,
so God couldn't make me first-string.
He doesn't believe me.
Try a little music.
That's a great persuader.
Joe, you never could play that thing.
You all right, Max?
Max... you all right?
Bentley! Whip up a liver and whey
shake right away!
I'm gonna play in the Super Bowl.
That's what I've got coming to me,
right, Mr Jordan?
As you say.
- He's still here?
- Right there.
Max, listen to me.
Farnsworth isn't in bad shape.
I still know the moves.
Just help me with the body.
Thanks, Mr Jordan.
Sisk! How about that liver and
whey shake? Hurry up. Hurry up.
- I need it for Mr Corkle.
- Yes, sir. Right away.
I want the whole staff to suit up.
We're going into training.
Listen, Mr... Jordan, is it?
You still there?
Any time you want to chime in...
why, just feel free.
Feel free.
I'm telling you to feel free.
You got to help me
talk Joe out of this.
If I do get him a tryout,
that team will put him
out of commission like that.
Christ, I can't even snap
my fingers any more. Oh, sorry.
He's not there, Max.
Don't get crazy. I'm counting on you.
This isn't going to work.
We're fooling with the Rams.
It... it's just... Well, all right.
I'm still figuring out
what I'll say. I...
You're playing football
with a bunch of butlers.
- This isn't gonna work!
- I fixed all that.
- How?
- I bought the Rams.
Leo Farnsworth has bought this team,
and he wants to play quarterback.
- Shit!
- Crazy son of a bitch.
We won't take this bullshit.
Wait a minute.
Fellas, this is the way it is.
He'll play quarterback
in Wednesday's scrimmage.
At which time,
he and the coach will decide
whether he's qualified
for the job or not.
Mr Farnsworth says,
"Tell no one to hold back".
These were his words, play that
scrimmage like the Super Bowl.
- Take him at his word.
- Let's kill him.
My team.
That son of a bitch got my team.
What kind of pressure
did he use, Milt?
Well, I asked for 67 million,
and he said OK.
Ruthless bastard.
Well, very, very nice.
Very, very, impressive.
I'm Tony Abbott, Mr Farnsworth's
personal private executive secretary.
Very nice. Very... very nice.
Don't let any of Mr Farnsworth's
racial statements offend you.
Nice talking to you.
Come on, fellas.
Get rid of that ball fast, all right?
Good luck, Mr Farnsworth.
Don't worry about the plays.
I got them down last night.
- Yes, sir.
- I want to run a split right, X-go,
Z-curl, a Y-straight.
Like the Super Bowl. Break.
Ready? Break.
Tighten it up.
Look at them.
That's how they look when they eat.
Look out.
4-3, set!
Sorry, Mr Farnsworth.
- Nice.
- Let's try it again, Mr Farnsworth.
OK, get him back in there.
Let's go! Let's go!
Try it with the ball!
Come on, positions!
Playing football is so much fun.
Try this time.
- Set!
- Come on now!
I'm terribly sorry, Mr Farnsworth.
This is really embarrassing.
Come on. Help him up.
I guess you went offsides.
Come on, guys, get him,
get him, get him.
Give me a little more room, Billy.
Let's all try and stay onsides.
- Better get a stretcher.
- Jesus!
He's an eccentric.
We've always known that.
Eccentric? Buying
a football team for 67 million
- that has a book value of 19?
- Harry.
Three weeks ago,
the stock was selling at 56.
This morning it opened at 14.
Go, go, go.
- You want a rest, Mr Farnsworth?
- No, no, it's OK.
Mr Farnsworth is taking the Rams to
the Super Bowl as their quarterback.
No sign of aberration
in his behaviour?
Nothing in his personal life
bothering him?
That statement speaks for itself.
All right, I'm going to save
you guys some trouble.
Want me to quit?
Give me the ball once.
If I don't hit Evans, I'll quit.
- Ready?
- Break!
Look out!
Hey, now!
On three!
There's a potential there! He's...
- OK.
- Take it easy.
I know.
- Shit, man, what you doing?
- What's he doing?
Ready? Break.
Red right, red right. Watch the pass.
4-3. Set! 3!
Not bad.
I think we got us
a rich quarterback.
He's looking awful good.
Boy, you pulled it off.
Yeah? I don't know.
I think I can do it.
Hey, Mr Farnsworth,
play any college ball?
No. I played a little polo.
Look, look.
He brought the whole team.
That's not a football team.
There are old men
and skinny younger men.
Look at the women.
That's the ecology group
Exo-Grey is funding.
He's getting ready to spring a trap.
This whole thing.
The football team gag,
the ecology crap, the divorce...
The only thing he has not announced
is our divorce and when he does,
I'll be the first suspect
when we kill him.
Darling, perhaps I'm being silly,
but I'd be more comfortable...
Have I offended you in some way?
Don't put your hand
over my mouth again.
- You used to like it.
- Listen,
if we don't act now, we'll lose it.
I was mad to sign a prenuptial
I'll get an allowance.
You'll be fired.
- We'll have each other.
- Not after he brings charges...
Is it?
Want to make a wish?
- Yes.
- All right. There.
Go ahead.
Very good.
Tell me, do you think it's silly,
me trying to be a football player?
Of course not. That's what you want.
You think I can do it?
I think you could do
anything you wanted.
Anything you committed yourself
to do, you could do.
Because I'm a big wheel
at Exo-Grey?
- You're not afraid of things.
- Afraid of things? Why would I be?
Well, you know, most people are
afraid of something, aren't they?
You want to know
the only thing I'm afraid of?
How I'd feel
if I couldn't be with you.
Then there's nothing
to be afraid of, is there?
Got to go.
Wait a minute. I'd...
How would you feel about marrying me?
It's crazy?
No, it doesn't sound crazy.
You know, if I...
What is it? What is it?
Could you wait here?
I'll be right back.
What do you want?
I'm sorry, Mr Pendleton,
you won't be able to use
Mr Farnsworth's body any longer.
What are you talking about?
Just what I said.
Your time is up. You don't fit.
You said I'd get to the Super Bowl.
Whatever you do, it won't be
with Mr Farnsworth's body.
- Why not?
- It wasn't meant to be.
- Why not?
- Stop saying that!
I won't keep paying for your mistake.
- Look, Mr Pendleton...
- I'm not talking to you.
Tell Mr Jordan
I'd like to talk to him.
We'll settle this once and for all.
Get out of here. You're bad news.
- Is something wrong?
- No, it's...
I just got to straighten
something out.
Maybe I better walk you to the car.
Something is wrong, isn't it?
- I was just thinking, Betty.
- What?
We got a great life ahead,
you and me,
and nobody's going
to take that away from us.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm memorising your face. I want
to memorise everything about you
so no matter what happens,
I won't forget you.
- What's going to happen?
- Nothing's going to happen.
You'd never forget me either,
would you?
- No.
- That thing you said you saw in me.
It was something in my eyes.
If some day somebody came up to you,
maybe a football player,
and he acted like
he'd seen you before,
you'd notice that same thing, right?
You'd give him a chance?
He might be a good guy.
- He could even be a quarterback.
- I don't understand.
I'm just acting crazy.
It's all right.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
You must abide by what is written.
There's a reason for everything.
There's always a plan.
- How can I give up Farnsworth now?
- I'm sorry, Joe.
You said we'd get to the Super Bowl.
Yes, if it's meant to be.
- I'm not leaving.
- Sorry.
- I'm not leaving, Mr Jordan.
- Joe,
you asked
for a temporary arrangement.
I never went back on a deal,
but I am now. I'm not going.
Your destiny is not in my hands.
Please don't make it more difficult.
I won't. I'm just not going to do it.
Joe, you must abide
by what is written.
She loves me, Mr Jordan.
Joe, you must abide
by what is written.
Don't be afraid, Joe. There is
a plan. There's always a plan.
Bentley, have you seen
Mr Farnsworth?
No, sir, I haven't.
- Guess I'll just keep looking.
- Yes, sir.
Joe, you in here?
Are you in there, Mr Farnsworth?
Listen, Your Highness, I'm telling
you what I told the Mayor last week.
By the end of the week,
I'll crack this case.
Right. Another Arab.
Son of a bitch Farnsworth
was into everything,
and now he's vanished, disappeared.
This is the craziest nut
I've ever had to deal with.
He wasn't fooling around.
If he was alive, he'd be here.
You're asking me to believe Leo
Farnsworth asked you to marry him?
Yes. He was going to get a divorce.
When I left, he said he'd call me,
but something happened.
- How do you know?
- Because he didn't call me.
He would have kept his word.
With less than 24 hours
before the big game,
the whereabouts of Leo Farnsworth
remains a mystery.
Farnsworth said his wife and
Tony Abbott were trying to kill him.
Let me spring it on Abbott,
I can make him crack.
OK. Take Corkle
to the Farnsworth house.
The game.
If you win this one, you're going
to be champions of the world.
And they can take away
the money and the cheers.
They can take away the good looks,
but nobody will ever
take that away from you.
Let's go.
Let me get this straight.
You're saying you saw no specific
changes in Mr Farnsworth's behaviour?
No, sir. A bit more talkative,
but other than that, normal.
And that's your opinion, too,
Mr Sisk?
Yes. I did notice he seemed
to take a dislike to his hats,
but it was never violent.
Why don't you ask me
whatever you want and...?
Mr Corkle, please. Mr Everett?
Oh. Y-y-yes?
- You had cocoa with him every night.
- Uh, yes.
What did you talk about?
Well, he'd say something like,
"This cocoa is good, isn't it?"
And I'd say, "Yes, it is."
And then he'd say something like,
"I wish the marshmallow
would last longer."
And I'd say, "So do I."
Sometimes he talked about cookies.
Thank you, Mr Everett.
Did he mention disliking his hats?
What the hell is this?
What does it matter?
I'm following a line of questioning.
Please. Mr Everett, did he ever
say anything to you about his hats?
- Never, sir.
- Thank you, Mr Everett.
Mr Abbott, what did you discuss
the last time you saw him?
He was considering buying Haiti.
- The country?
- Yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr Abbott.
Nothing about hats?
Thank you, Mr Abbott.
Mrs Farnsworth, how was your
relationship with your husband?
Very, very close. Very, very special.
Miss Logan claims
he was getting a divorce
and he asked her to marry him.
I don't doubt that.
My husband loved me very, very much,
but he was a man.
He would say or do anything
to make a conquest,
but it never touched our marriage.
That's what made it so special.
They're pinning it on Betty.
Miss Logan, I am sorry if I've said
anything that's hurt you.
That's all right, I don't know you
well enough for you to hurt me.
- I hope you don't doubt my word.
- I don't, I'm sure you're lying.
I assume if Mr Farnsworth told you
about disliking his hats,
you'd let us know.
You want to know about his hats?
He wouldn't wear socks with a suit!
Every time he crossed his legs,
you could see his ankles were bare!
That's when he stopped wearing hats.
They looked funny without socks!
But he never told you
he disliked them.
- What?
- His hats.
Are you crazy? What kind
of questions are you asking?
All right. Sit down.
Conway, turn that thing on.
Let him watch the game.
Everything will be all right.
We're getting a clearer picture
of Mr Farnsworth's patterns.
There's a reason for everything.
There's got to be.
It's a demanding defence.
You don't need to worry about her.
Tom Jarrett, the Rams' quarterback,
back to pass.
Looking, scrambling. He's in trouble.
And he's hit hard! Down he goes!
What you're telling me, Mr Abbott,
is that Mr Farnsworth
never carried any money
or credit cards, right?
And no identification papers?
- Right, sir. Yes.
- Then what we have here...
The score, 24-24. Overtime.
The way he was hit,
Tom Jarrett is hurt.
The Ram players are concerned and
they're calling for the stretcher.
Jarrett has not moved.
It'll be a miracle, frankly,
and I hope he's well.
He really got hit.
Now they order Jerry Hodges to start
warming up on the sidelines.
The Pittsburgh defence
has been brilliant.
They've stopped the Rams...
The Haitian ambassador's here.
Oh, yes. Yes, thank you, Sisk.
Tell him to wait.
Who do you think you are?
- You call this an investigation!
- Now!
- Standing around...
- How'd you do it?
Did you drug him like you did before?
This one has seesawed back and forth.
Lieutenant, I will not be spoken to
in this way in my house.
- Why did it have to be Jarrett?
- Because it's his time, Joe.
It's his destiny.
Look at the pupils!
Bill! Get that ambulance!
Jarrett's coming back into the game.
Oh, my God! It's his jacket!
So it's you, Mr Abbott!
I should have known
I couldn't trust you.
- Here's your murderer!
- She did it!
I'll sign a confession
that she did it!
She's been planning it for years!
- Corkle, where are you going?
- To the Coliseum.
- I'm conducting an investigation.
- I'm going.
Take this investigation
and shove it up your ass!
It's sudden death!
This crowd's delirious! '
Jarrett was sacked hard.
He's getting up. He's OK.
A remarkable comeback by Jarrett.
The first team that scores wins.
All right!
We're number one! We're number one!
We did it!
Hi, Max.
I am right, it is you, isn't it?
I knew it! I knew it!
I was watching the TV,
and I said, "That's him!"
The Rams are champions!
Here's the star, Tom Jarrett.
He led his team to victory.
- How do you feel?
- Good.
I mean, can you describe
your feelings?
- World champions!
- I... I feel good.
Please, please.
I have to go now, Joe. It's time.
I can't stay here any longer.
- What do you mean?
- How does it feel to be Tom Jarrett?
And when I've gone,
you won't remember me.
You'll be Thomas Jarrett
with no memory of Joe Pendleton
or Leo Farnsworth
or anything that's happened.
This is your destiny, Joe.
You're back on your own road now.
What do you mean, I won't remember?
Goodbye, Joe.
There's a lot of confusion.
Wait. I got to talk to you. Wait.
Here he is, Coach...
You OK, Tom? You OK?
Here's Lamar Crawford, the man
who caught one of those key passes.
I'm just happy that we won.
In September, I told you
the beginning of this season!
Hey, Benny!
Hey, Joe! Uh, Tom!
- Hey, Doc. Did Tom leave?
- He's putting some ice on his eye.
He'll be all right.
That's something about Farnsworth.
- Poor son of a bitch.
- Yeah...
Hey. Corkle. What are you doing,
closing up the joint?
I didn't know you played that thing.
- What are you talking about?
- Hmm? Is that yours?
What are you talking about?
- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean.
I mean, what are you
talking about, Joe?
Am I missing something?
Come on. What are you
trying to do to me, huh?
Hey, I'm the guy
that got hit in the head.
You sure you're all right, Corkle?
Hey, play something
for me on this thing, huh?
That's the way it is
with champagne, huh?
You just keep swallowing it
cos it doesn't taste like anything,
and all of a sudden, you're drunk.
You going to the party, Corkle?
I'll give you a ride.
Hey, you...
A little fresh air wouldn't hurt.
Hey, look. Just do me one favour.
Look at me.
Just... just... Just look at me.
You want to tell me why
you're calling me Joe?
I guess it has
something to do with...
Joe Pendleton.
Hey, uh...
I'm sorry. I didn't think, Corkle.
You sure you don't want a ride?
No, I'll just... I'm going
to sit here for a minute.
Hey, son, you...
You played a hell of a game.
Oh, thanks, Corkle. You all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, excuse me.
Where might I find Max Corkle?
- I believe he's here somewhere.
- He's in the locker room.
Go back up there the way you came
or go back and take a right
and then a left.
- It's the second door on the right.
- I see. Thank you.
Thank you.
He's not expecting me.
Is it all right if I just walk in?
Sure. He's the only guy in there.
Have we met?
No. I don't think so.
No, I guess we haven't. I'm sorry.
What did you think of the game?
I... I didn't see it.
Does your eye hurt?
No, no, I...
Listen, my name's Tom Jarrett.
- Hello. I'm Betty Logan.
- Yeah. It's nice to meet you.
- You must play for the Rams.
- Yeah. You interested in football?
A friend of mine was.
Leo Farnsworth.
I'm sorry. Was he a close friend?
Yes, he was very close.
- Oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry.
- Have you put some ice on that?
- What's that?
- They're just closing up the place.
Here, give me your hand.
It's all right.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
- You can...
- What did you say?
Just then, when you said,
there's nothing to be afraid of.
Your voice sounded so familiar.
Yeah? Well, like I said,
I thought I knew you, too.
People always think
they knew somebody before.
Yes, they do.
I was going to meet
a bunch of people.
We're having a big party
- and I'm a little late.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
All of a sudden,
I don't feel like going to a party,
and... and I thought maybe if...
I mean...
You want to have a cup of coffee
or something?
Well, I guess not.
You're the quarterback.
Yeah. How'd you know that?
Yes, I'd love to have
a cup of coffee with you.