Hellbenders (2012) Movie Script
Father?
Father?
Father?
There is your goddamn evidence.
Is it over?
The light!
Give me the light!
Heavenly God!
We are fucked.
No, no, no. You can ask
me anything you like.
So, we're here to
talk about exorcism.
I beg your pardon?
Exorcism.
Exorcism is extremely rare.
A ritual that requires
training and faith
and the authorization
of a bishop.
But let's not confuse
faith with superstition.
It is impossible to deny the existence
of demonic phenomenon.
As much as we try to shuffle off on brain
chemistry or psychology,
demons move among us.
This is fact.
No, no, no, no.
The idea that
debauchery and evil
can be confronted and defeated
by greater debauchery
and evil is heresy.
Any rumors of some sort of team
of hell bound exorcists are just that.
They simply do not exist.
So, yeah. The Pope is dead.
He was a pious guy.
No idea who
the new boss will be,
and how it will roll
down on the parish.
You're a dog.
Page four news.
Ain't that some shit?
Sad state of the world, man.
Hope Angus doesn't
let it ruin his birthday.
We really wanted to go
whole hog this year.
You know, tie one on,
drag it around until it is dead.
Angus loves cake
like a fat kid,
so I got to get him a cake.
Problem is,
cake ain't exactly a sin.
A little bit of gluttony maybe,
but that is some
candy-ass sinning.
Hey! That's mine.
That's my paper.
Oh, it's cool.
I will get it back to you.
But it's mine.
You just can't...
Hey, you want to come down here
and fucking do something about it?
Father!
I ain't your fucking dad!
You do not mess
with a man of God.
But I found this place
you can get cake
that ain't just some bullshit
cardboard thing, but an actual cake.
With a stripper
jumping out of it,
which makes it a sinful cake
and puts us on the work budget.
Hi, Miss Rainey.
Wow, look at that.
Is the girl inside already?
No, she doesn't get in
until the party.
Mmm.
What are you up to?
You know, a little lust.
Little sloth.
Cool. Little envy
on this end.
We had sex once.
Once. Ages ago.
Eleven months ago on Tuesday.
It was my second night here.
It was a passionless affair.
First time I tried crack.
Guys! I am trying to
concentrate here.
I'm married.
Penelope, my wife...
I mean, we are mad about each other.
Like teenagers, really.
I am going to be sick.
Hey, babe.
I was going to fry some eggs.
Do you want some eggs?
I want to go home.
Mmm.
What's good, Erik?
I wasn't doing anything.
That's cool.
Oh, my God.
I hate him so much.
I hate Larry so much.
Like Nazi cancer hate.
Can you believe that
Elizabeth had sex with him?
Him? Fuck!
That's so messed up.
Expenditures have to
match transgression,
especially with
a new Holy Father.
I mean, we have all
been falling behind.
I don't think any of us are
damnation ready except for Angus and I.
You? You're more
damnation ready than me?
Yes, sure I am.
How do you figure?
I mean, look,
gluttony, wrath, pride.
You're pretty solid,
but you've got one count...
One count of lust.
Granted, you were cheating on
your wife, but it's over a year old.
That's not going to fly, Larry.
You can't go to hell...
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, this applies
to you too, Elizabeth.
Last six months, you have been here
for some gluttony, pretty constant mast...
Mast... You know,
just all sorts of stuff.
Nothing serious.
You are still new here...
I am a woman
and you're a Catholic,
everything I do is a sin.
How are you sinning more
than me, huh?
You are not going to pull
that whole shellfish in Leviticus shit
on me again, are you?
Stephen, what the fuck, man?
It's wrath.
Hey, Cecilia is here.
You hit like a girl.
What?
Your stripper.
You asshole.
What the hell was that for?
Wrath. Wrath.
Wrath.
Stop flapping your
cocksucker at me,
you god-forsaken
slug stain of Onan.
A good Pope just died,
and the new Pope is a faggot.
This world is
fucked for salvation.
Sure. But me and the guys,
we put a little birthday thing together.
Christ's birthday ain't
for another week!
Christmas?
Angus, it's April.
Your birthday is today.
Hmm.
Augustine Interfaith Order
of Hellbound Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
That's Bernard Weinberg.
Hand me the fucking phone!
Bernard Weinberg?
You sure?
Ah.
Yes, understood,
Your Excellency.
Rabbi Weinberg. Fuck.
They said he was a librarian.
A rabbi is a rabbi is a rabbi.
The laws of man mean shit
to the Prince of Darkness.
Men of God are
Satan's Pearl Harbor.
It's where he starts wars.
I am going to need a second.
Who is damnation ready?
I'm five for seven.
Get your kit.
So my partner took the one witness
he had down to the hospital.
They think they can
get the four fingers
re-attached back
on to his hand
if they can get them
out of him in time.
Not sure
about the fifth finger.
No flashing lights, no helicopters.
We don't want the press.
Hey, hey, I get it.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna have to
lock you guys in there.
If I do not hear anything
by dawn...
I am going to have to
call in SWAT team.
If we are not out by dawn,
burn the whole fucking building down.
And here, in case you find
the other finger.
Oh, and there is an ear. There
should be an ear in there, too. Okay?
Are you damnation ready?
Absolutely?
Uh...
You got any Eucharist?
Fuck you, cracker.
I'm ready.
What the hell?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Where is my master?
Shit!
I command you!
In the name of God!
Once and for all consign
that fallen tyrant into the flames of hell!
We know what you like.
Christ compels you back
into the pit!
And all your whores, Father Anus,
you sodomite! Strike terror, Lord,
into the beast
laying waste your vineyard!
You are as steeped in filth
as any of the damned!
Abso-fucking-lutely!
And I will see all you
cocksuckers in hell.
I got him! Do it!
I compel you, unclean spirit,
and all your minions...
I command you to obey me!
I, a minister of God,
despite my unworthiness...
Larry, holy water.
I only brought one.
Oh.
Help me!
Where is my master?
Judas!
My master wants a man of God!
He will get one.
What are you doing?
We're going to hell together.
No!
Take me.
I welcome you in.
You and all your minions.
I had to find
the Bible section.
King James, motherfucker!
Let's finish this.
I am only the hound of Surtr.
Good for you. Send us a postcard
from hell, huh? Let him talk.
I am only the hound of Surtr.
I flush the game.
Where is my master?
Thirty pieces of silver
for your services.
My master wants a man of God.
A weak man of God.
Lawrence.
Fuck you, Satan!
No, stop!
No, no, no, stop!
Oh, fuck!
Toes for a thumb!
Toes for a thumb!
Rub Mommy's feet, Larry.
Bring Mommy a glass of wine.
Angus!
Angus!
It's done.
Jesus, he bit your toe off.
Man, you are some detective.
Hey, don't be an asshole!
I'm borrowing your mace.
What in the name of God...
What the fuck were you
doing, Weinberg?
What? What?
Angus?
Call me Father.
I am doing God's work.
Did you summon a fucking demon?
And what the fuck
is all this about?
We're still here.
We're still here.
Hey, give me that!
That is enough!
I am shackled to this asshole.
Hey, lay off that.
Don't touch me.
I had a vision.
This city...
The whole country was on fire.
Oceans burnt.
Surtr cracked the gates.
Flames swallowed the world.
Surtr. What is that?
It's like kabbalah or something?
Surtr is an old god.
Norse, I think.
A bad one.
He revels in blasphemy.
So I gave him a man of Adonai,
days after the death
of your pope.
He should have taken me.
Yeah, well, you fucked that up.
You got ridden by
some pissant jerk-off of a demon,
complaining about
who his master was.
Why didn't he take me?
It's time to burn.
He is a macaroon.
I was wrong.
Thank God, I was wrong.
The Church certainly has some troubles in
the modern world, eh.
But they're still powerful.
It can still cover up a story.
So tell us about
the library incident.
The library incident
was a kairotic moment
in the spiritual fabric of the world.
We had been tracking
Norse blasphemies since the late '90s,
following a chain of arson and murder
across the Netherlands
committed in the name of Surtr.
We had expected a return.
We had no idea
how bad it would get.
Oh, monkey fuck!
I think he looks like
a pretty good pope.
If you like secular Philistine
money-changing cocksuckers.
I think he looks nice.
Everything is going to change.
Doorbell!
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Doorbell!
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, I'm Clint LaPierre.
I am here under the auspices of
the Brooklyn Diocese.
Oh, welcome, welcome.
Please.
Everyone, this is Clint.
The Bishop sent him.
What's good, Clint?
I need to speak to
the senior deacon.
Yeah, you do not want
to talk to Angus, man.
What's that smell?
Did you know there was
never any super heroes named Clint?
Did you?
I need to speak to
whosever in charge.
There's a new Holy Father
and the Bishop has
received orders directly from the top.
We have to clean our house...
Shut up. Shut up.
...and you, Augustine
Hellbound Saints.
There's next to nothing
in the official records.
So, again...
Who's in charge?
Uh...
This guy right here.
He is the man.
Hi.
Reverend Stephen Vargas.
You can call me Stephen.
Reverend. The Rev.
Just rub that in, that's lotion.
This way.
This way. This way.
Can I go down on you?
No.
Come on!
I will.
How do you do?
Thirty years... Shit!
He's 30 years off!
Angus, I'd like to
introduce you to...
Get this cocksucker
out of my sight.
What?
I'm working!
Who do you think
you're talking...
Who does he think
he is talking to?
I can spot a cocksucker
in a lineup.
That guy is as good as
wearing a crotch wool vandyke.
Where's Larry?
Larry!
I just can't sit at home
thinking about what you are doing here.
I already have...
Oh, baby, come on. No, no, no.
No, I already have too many directions
that I can backslide into.
Shit, I just...
Larry! Yeah, of course
I want you at home.
Larry, look, I need your eyes.
I'm in the middle of
something right now.
Weinberg said he was
trying to summon Surtr.
S-U-R-T-R.
The architect of Ragnarok,
the old Norse Apocalypse,
would be specifically
targeting men of God.
But the enumerating
cocksucker fucked the math!
It should have shown up
30 years ago!
Now, this part...
What's he talking about?
Old gods.
Worse than demons or the damned.
Larry...
Old gods? That's...
That's blasphemous!
That's our job, you android.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I am on the seduction
message board.
It's about how
if you insult a girl,
but then you give her
an expensive gift,
then she is honor bound to
let you go down on her.
Or did you mean the thing
with the brick?
Oh, I am conditioning my knuckles for
direct striking capabilities.
Are you the only sane one here?
Oh, I do a lot to
hold this place together.
Cream?
Yeah.
Macon, you in there?
Clint... Mr. LaPierre
would like to ask you some questions.
Macon?
He is a napper.
He naps.
If he is gone, I can
just show you some of his stuff.
Macon, I am opening the door.
Oh!
Oh, hey guys.
In or out? The rabbit
is going to escape.
Thanks.
So, yeah, we could
be doing things a lot more efficiently.
But the closest
we have to somebody in charge is Angus.
I mean, he's not
the manager type, you know?
Did you go to school
for management?
No. What's this?
This is our sin ledger. It's how
we make sure we are damnation ready.
Seven Deadly Sins,
Ten Commandments.
We try to...
Well, I try to make sure
that everybody is
at least four and six in.
Four and six?
Sins. We're sinners.
But you're supposedly
men of God.
Exactly.
And for the demons who can't
get cast out, sort of a nuclear option.
If you have tried everything else,
you can always invite possession
and take the devil to hell
with you through suicide.
But you got to
deserve hell, right?
I mean, you can't even
get possessed
unless you are in
a morally compromised state.
Okay, let me understand this.
You live a life of sin
to get possessed
and then kill yourself
and literally drag a demon back to hell?
There's no other way.
We're willing to make
that sacrifice.
I don't...
I don't under...
Clint?
No. No, no, no.
No, no!
It takes a great deal
of discipline.
Yeah, I do most of
the record keeping.
I mean, I am really
the only one that even bothers.
Hold on.
It looks Larry has
been slacking off.
We should check on this.
Come on, this way.
Hey.
Hey, Stephen,
I am stealing something, man.
You put it in the book.
Oh!
"If a vortex of sin cracks
the gates of hell,
"the righteous blood sacrifice
breaks them wide."
Right. Righteous, righteous.
That would mean man of God.
So Surtr would possess
a man of God, a priest,
and then sacrifice himself
to shatter the gates of hell.
Knock, knock.
So, guys, me and Clint
were going through the records...
And Larry, you haven't
been keeping up.
I mean, if somebody were
to perform last rites while you were dying,
it would be enough
maybe for admittance to purgatory.
Judas.
Why?
I mean, why bother
even keeping records
if not to know
if we are losing discipline?
I think you would
want to know that he is not performing
at his best ability.
I mean, look!
All right, all right,
I have been falling behind.
Thanks for the heads up.
Penelope has been going to AA.
I'm... I'm just trying to be there for her.
Fucking what?
She thinks she has a problem.
Her?
She has a problem?
Yeah.
You need to put spirituality
before uxorial guilt.
And discipline before all!
I'm sinning all the time.
All I do is sin, man.
Fuck your driveling
misdemeanors!
I'm talking about
quality of sin here.
Murder. Infidelity.
When was the last time
you cheated on your wife?
Eleven months ago.
Boy, I had to pay for that one.
"Hellbound" and "saint"
are not words to be taken lightly.
Now, you must be looking
for every opportunity for sin.
Hmm. Here, take this.
It's orange.
I mixed in my stool supplement.
You drink that to the dregs,
sodomize Macon,
and then you talk to me about duty.
Macon!
Come down here!
And somebody answer
the goddamn Bishop line!
I got it.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Augustine Interfaith Order of
Hellbound Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
Macon! Bring lotion!
Right, now, the vortex...
Thank you, Your Excellency.
Exorcism call.
A woman named Hobbick
in Cobble Hill says she inherited a demon.
Inherited?
That's what she said.
Sounds like bullshit.
Where is Macon?
He's in his ghetto sauna.
All right, take him with you.
Oh, thank Christ.
No! No you will not!
You do not represent
this church.
You are all an abomination
against man, law, God!
I will do everything
in my authority
to make sure that
I see your resignations
and that you are
excommunicated by the Sabbath.
Can I borrow the MetroCard?
Yeah, look, it's a monthly,
so hang onto it, all right?
You don't...
Hey!
Be careful, okay?
Fuck off, Larry.
Macon, we got a job.
Mmm? Mmm.
Liz?
What's up, Erik?
Hey.
Hey, we're trying to get
out the door here, so...
Oh, yeah. I got this
lucky chain for you.
Oh.
Um...
It's... It's like a gift.
It's like a necklace.
Real silver. A lot of carrots, you know.
No big deal.
That's really sweet.
Thank you.
Mmm.
It's... It's really nice.
Thanks.
We should...
We should get going.
Yep.
All right. Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
Enjoy that.
You stupid slut...
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Axel, my husband,
was a minister.
Presbyterian at the San Ambrose
at 95th Street?
I'm not even sure
Presbyterians believe in exorcism.
Everybody's got
demons, Mrs. Hobbick.
But we're here to help.
Well, he died three days ago.
The few buildings
we owned, I inherited.
Where is it?
In the mongoloid.
Do you mean like North Asian or are you
being inappropriate?
A mongoloid man-child.
It's in the boiler room.
Castro says he's been there
since he started the job.
Twelve years.
I had to go back 17 more
in my husband's journals.
The boy was possessed,
and Axel couldn't help him,
so we thought
the best thing we could do
was to put him somewhere where
he wouldn't hurt anyone.
In there.
Wait.
Twenty-nine years?
You're saying he has been down here
for three decades?
He was six when it started.
We're going in.
He's crying.
Hey, look at the collar.
It's iron.
Old European witchcraft.
A binding spell.
Smurbots.
I used to love these.
He used to be a child.
No. The boy
is the prison.
We can't do anything
with that collar on him.
Who could do that to a child?
Macon?
Macon! You with me?
Name yourself.
What's your name?
Christ compels you.
Name yourself.
Your name!
In Christ's name, who are you?
Get ready.
I adjure you, ancient serpent,
by the judge of the living
and the dead,
by your creator...
By that which has the power
to consign you to hell.
Depart forthwith in fear
along with all your savage minions,
from this servant of God.
Tremble before the might of God
that has broke asunder the prison walls
and led souls forth to light.
Excuse me!
Fuck you!
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
You motherfucker!
Fuck your parents!
Fuck your Smurbots!
You whore spawned
piece of shit!
You do not fuck
with the Hellbound Saints!
You are fucked for life!
You fucking mongoloid
rotten-breath motherfucker!
How do you fucking
like this, huh?
I will fucking kill you!
You...
You're a fuck.
Fuck!
You are a fuck,
you fucking asshole!
Goddamn motherfucker!
Look at what you did
to my face.
Exorcise this piece of shit.
In the name of the power of creation
commands you.
In the name of God...
Flee in shameful defeat
from the word made flesh.
Fall and be judged in fire.
Take off the collar.
The power of Christ
compels you.
The church of man compels you.
In the name of God be gone!
Shit.
In God's name, who are you?
In the name of God!
Oh. Did you finish?
Oh!
Stop!
Stop!
Go back to hell.
In the name of
that is everything holy.
God is my shepherd.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
Take me.
I welcome you.
Take me.
No.
Little kids?
What's wrong with you,
man? Women.
Oh, yeah, okay.
No doubt, no doubt.
So I used to know
this chick, right?
Oh, shit!
Tomorrow.
Mommy!
I was him for a moment.
I could see the edges, the tinder under
the weave, and how it will all burn.
The Messiah was
inside me and upon me.
And he was right,
the fire is good.
Your god is only one of many,
and weak and arrogant,
and deserves the flame,
and the knife, and the grave.
Who's this Messiah character?
Surtr.
Where's Elizabeth at?
They smile at each other.
Where's Elizabeth?
The dawn after...
Surtr will burn this world
down to the truth.
Glory, glory.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Where the fuck is Elizabeth at?
Dead and dying.
Like everyone else in
this tinder stick city.
A teenager is charged
with 19 criminal acts
including rape, robbery...
Macon's out of the ICU.
Doctor tried to pull that shit one me that
he was lucky to be alive.
Just get him out of there.
Hospitals are Satan's brothel.
The widow wouldn't
tell me where Elizabeth was.
Elizabeth's gone.
So we get her back.
It's what we do.
No, what we do is send demons to hell,
no matter what the cost is.
She wasn't strong enough
to cut her own throat,
so now the knife is
in our hands.
Wait...
You want to kill her?
She's one of us, Angus.
It's Elizabeth!
It's not Elizabeth.
You do not name the veal calf.
If she had had
half the discipline this job requires,
she would be in hell right now,
and that demon would be
right there beside her
instead of
out fucking the world.
She shat the bed, Larry.
No, we have to get her back.
We have to find her.
Is this your pudenda talking?
My what?
So, you two copulated once
without conceiving...
Which is bullshit
in the eyes of God, by the way.
We... We lost her.
She's not the first.
I have been at this
a long time.
I have seen too many
good men die.
We stand up for each other.
What we share is discipline.
You give up on that,
and you give up on faith.
And then you are
not a Hellbound Saint.
Hell, you are not even
a priest anymore.
Hey, fuck you.
Surtr is out there right now.
He is a God killer looking
for the edge of hell.
This is no time for weakness.
Get your head straight
or you get the hell out of our way.
Give up on her, Larry.
You hear me?
Give up on her,
or the hell with you.
Angus.
Come on, here.
Look, see?
Get out of
my fucking sight! Go!
Walk out of this church
with your eyes on the fucking floor.
Pussy!
Jesus Christ!
You're awake.
You're drunk.
Rough day.
You're always drunk.
It's my job.
How am I going to not
drink when you smell like whiskey?
It's... It's my job.
Well, you are going to
have to choose.
We lost track of
the female minister.
But she left
a clear enough trail.
Fires, blasphemies,
a few corpses.
But a lot more missing persons.
What's your name?
Dozens, then hundreds...
Ordinary people walked
away from their lives and just vanished.
You said you were
just going to help us get reorganized,
be more efficient.
What is going on?
He's shutting us down.
He says it's from the Bishop.
You all slander the Church
and everything it stands for.
Read your Bibles.
Jesus Christ closed the gates on hell
when he ascended.
You believe in God,
but you doubt hell?
I believe in Jesus Christ,
so I know there's no hell.
So, there is no need
for embarrassments like yourself
running around escorting
demons back to a place that doesn't exist.
This is a sign
of contradiction!
We have real priests authorized
by the Vatican to deal with anomalies.
Those are dated the eleventh.
You have until dusk to
vacate the premises.
The eleventh?
Fucking damnation!
The birth of Christ!
Do not take his name in vain.
Don't you talk to me
about vanity, you fucking worm.
God damn it!
Piss! Shit and piss!
Larry, this is not
from the Bishop, it is from Opus Dei.
The Bishop wishes
to maintain his distance.
Those are registered to
the Church and the city.
Opus Dei? You are
not even clergy?
We don't take orders
from the fucking laity.
Your budget's frozen,
the Church cuts all ties.
You don't know
what you are doing.
It's already done.
You motherfucker!
Sorry.
Well, shit.
I can't believe I was so nave.
Naive.
Whatever.
I thought he just wanted
to help us manage things.
Assholes, elbows,
bibles and ropes!
We've only got until midnight.
And then what?
Then hell rises up
and swallows everything.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Stephen, what the fuck
are you doing?
You leper's remnant
in Lot's dowry pouch.
Mind the ledger, make sure the rest of
these cock mane flossers
are ready for hell!
What is the last sin
you committed?
Discouraging thoughts.
We're going to war, man.
You got to fuck, or steal,
or covet something.
Keep your eye on
semi-mortar there.
He's been compromised
by the demon.
We can't really
trust him anymore.
Oh, okay.
Angus.
Erik, go question
the widow Hobbick.
She had that fucker
in her basement for 30 years.
She's got to know something about
where he plans to locate the vortex.
What about me?
What about you?
I'm here.
Uh-huh.
What's the point, man?
We lost.
What's the point?
The point is, I haven't gotten in
my daily sinning yet.
I am hornier than
a three-peckered billy goat,
and I will fuck you
into a puddle of chowder
if you don't get your sweet ass
out of my cock range
and down to that widow's apartment.
Let me just get
my flip-flops.
So, what the fuck, man?
I was here with the cops.
We need to find Miss Hobbick.
She was married to the dead guy
that owned this place.
I know who you're saying.
She was the last person
to see our friend. We need to find her.
Crazy bitch gone.
And man-child, too.
The mongoloid?
I thought he was in custody.
He got un-custodied,
I guess.
Where is she?
Crazy bitch came,
got her man-child,
and they went looking
for a shirt.
I said to myself,
"That must be a great shirt."
You mean Surtr.
What?
Surtr.
You talk English, man?
She took her man-child,
and they were talking
about great kills,
they were talking
about finding a great shirt.
Great kills?
Holy shit! You've got
Smurbots, man.
Can I have some of these?
Knock yourself out,
boss. Wait, wait.
Holy shit.
She was talking about
killing people?
Man, for real, you have got to
learn some English.
What's this?
Belonged to
the man-child.
I think this is how
they kept Surtr in the basement.
It's got markings on it
like some kind of Viking shit.
Did you hear back
from your guy?
Yeah, it's the
Babylonian finger.
The Bureau's getting
the same reaming from the Vatican we are.
They even took their guns away.
They got guns?
Why don't we got guns?
NYPD reported 200
new missing persons just last week.
Most with evidence of
violence, burn marks, blood on the ground,
neighbors reported screaming.
Two hundred? How did
that not make the news?
You think that's 200 dead?
Surtr has no use for corpses.
He needs followers.
Acolytes.
Surtr needed
warm bodies to send.
He was gathering followers,
corrupting their minds.
So it was like
a wave of hysteria,
formerly law-abiding
citizens doing the unthinkable.
Committing the kind of crimes
that scar generations.
And suddenly, Satan's work becomes
the responsibility of...
of police and doctors.
People completely unprepared
to handle such things.
It is a massacre.
Hey, I wouldn't go
in there if I were...
Bitches move.
Okay.
Angus, Larry.
Good, the gang is all here.
Shit.
The doors are getting shut tonight,
and they are not going to re-open.
This is Father Atherton.
He'll be taking over all
your outstanding cases.
He can't handle it.
He can, and he will.
More effectively and cheaper than you,
without embarrassing the...
Do you want to
take care of that?
Offices of the Church.
Oh!
You fuck!
Touch me again and you're deader than
a clipped-dick Shechemite!
There's work to do.
Angus, they shut us down.
We just stop fighting Satan
because some dipshit
pseudo-Pharisee cocksucker
shows up with a couple of
meatloaf s and half a fag?
Fuck that!
Fuck that in the fucking ear!
This isn't a job.
It's a fucking calling.
You can't fire us off
a mission from God.
Leave him alone, man!
Move or get hurt!
I have been fucked by demons, man.
What are you going to do?
Put them all out on the street.
I am getting my knife!
Except for you.
You stay.
I will do no such thing.
Stop! Stop this
immediately!
Who wants to bleed?
Stop! Stop!
Sons of bitches,
I will kill you all!
I'm sorry, brother.
I thought we were still fighting.
Okay, all right. Enough!
Everybody stops or I call the police!
You have no idea
the cost of this.
The cost? This is
a Christian institution.
Christian? And everything you are
doing is anathema to...
You are a corporate dildo
with dangerous illusions of competence.
And I guarantee you that
Jesus Christ himself
would take a fucking dump
on your front porch, pal.
Take him out.
Larry, you are
an embarrassment.
Go home.
This is our work.
Our religion. Our lives.
Where else are we going to go?
Go home!
This is our home.
What?
Penelope.
This is your home?
I brought you dinner.
I thought maybe
we could talk about us.
About the decisions
we need to make.
But I guess
you already made yours.
Elizabeth, wait!
Elizabeth?
It's for me.
Augustine Interfaith Order of Hellbound
Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
That is my concern.
Hey, man!
What the hell?
No! No!
Yes, this is
Father William Atherton.
I am taking over the open cases for
the Hellbound Saints.
Get off him!
Angus!
Yes, of course,
Your Excellency, I understand.
Right away.
I have to leave.
I'm coming.
What did the Bishop say?
That's not your concern.
Like hell.
Is it Surtr?
Somebody get the old man
to the hospital.
The rest of you need to be gone
by the time I get back.
Let's go, Father.
Okay.
Do you need to go
to the hospital?
Get the fuck away.
Hey, Larry...
You should go after Penelope.
We are all dead
by midnight anyway.
You keep saying that.
What happens after midnight?
Surtr opens the gates of hell.
It's the perfect blasphemy.
Tomorrow is
Jesus Christ's birthday.
Christmas was months ago.
Oh, fuck Christmas.
It's a date some Guinea dipshit
pulled out of a hat
to appease some fifth century
dirt-worshipping pagan.
Tomorrow is the day
that Christ was born.
Tonight we die.
We should...
We should pray.
Oh, God, you still
don't get it, do you?
Surtr is not just some
pagan old killing god.
He is the God killer!
It's not just us he destroys.
It's God, and his angels,
and heaven. Everything.
We die and go nowhere.
That's the cost of this.
Nobody kills God!
Do you think he doesn't
count on us, too?
Do you think God would keep us around
if he didn't need us?
What the fuck kind of God
would waste his time like that?
He needs us.
And we failed him.
Oh, God, we failed.
You know why there
aren't any super heroes named "Clint"?
Cool, macho name.
It's not hard to imagine.
Cheap printing.
Cheap printing in the old comics.
The L and the I, they
would bleed together.
Let's not get beat by a Clint.
Who has got a pencil?
Number two okay?
Perfect.
Something kills.
Greed kills?
Where the fuck is my gin?
I should know this.
My heart hurts.
Where would Elizabeth go
to find the edge of hell?
I keep telling you,
Elizabeth is gone.
She's a fucking demon.
A vortex of sin to crack the gates.
It would be based
on the quality of sin, not just the murder.
He didn't just say "killing",
he said great.
You hopeless, stammering drunk.
As close as you can get
to hell in New York City.
Staten Island.
Great Kills.
Great Kills.
Great Kills, Staten Island.
Okay.
Get your kits together.
Let's go send this
satanic cocksucker to hell.
Oh, yeah.
There it is, the vortex.
At its center, they will open
a fissure into hell.
What does that look like?
A flaming vagina with teeth.
How are we going to
get Elizabeth back?
Goddamn you, Larry,
we don't. She's gone.
We need to use this
to trap her inside.
Kill her, send them both
straight to hell.
You get in my way,
you're going with them.
There has got to be
hundreds of them.
Well, God's on our side.
Shit.
Name your Messiah.
Name your Messiah or die.
Detective Elrod?
What the fuck
are you doing, man?
Bathe in ash and supplication.
Have you come to accept
the true Messiah?
Do you mean our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ?
Surtr. The Black.
Then out of our way,
you blasphemous cocksucker.
God is on our side.
Shut him up.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man, oh, man.
Shoot one.
Make an example.
The gun is empty.
No, it will work this time.
That was a miracle.
Go ahead.
All right.
Come at me. I will gut the lot
of you motherfuckers!
Let's go, sweetheart.
How are you doing?
Oh!
Angus!
Angus, come on.
Hey, you okay?
Let's get Angus out of here.
Go find Liz.
I will hold them off.
There's too many of them.
God is on our side.
Cast out the great dragon,
the old serpent Satan...
Tremble before
St. Michael the Archangel...
Clint, lend your voice.
From the snares of the devil.
Deliver us, O Lord!
Cast into hell Satan
and all evil spirits.
We beseech thee, hear us!
May God rebuke him.
We humbly pray.
Clint! "We humbly pray."
Clint!
My God! Liz!
The vortex.
Give me the collar.
Give it!
You cocksucker!
Satan!
Depart, transgressor.
Depart, seducer.
Full of lies and cunning.
Foe of virtue!
Give way to Christ,
you abominable creature.
I know you don't love me.
Shut up.
Your bitch wife, neither.
Loveless, lazy
and far from God.
Larry, we could have
been happy together.
Give way to Christ.
We can still be together.
Give way to Christ.
Give way to the light.
God casts you into
the outer darkness.
No! No!
No!
Liz. Liz, please!
Ancient serpent...
Enemy of Christ.
The power of Christ
compels you, you fucking cocksucker!
Take me!
I welcome you in.
You and all your minions.
Take me.
Take me!
Take... Take...
Unholy... Ragnarok!
Ragnarok!
Fucker!
What did you say?
Send me to hell.
Kill me. Now.
I can't.
Oh, Larry, you fucking coward.
No!
Larry! Larry!
Sorry, Angus.
Do you want last rites?
Don't you fucking dare!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Did we win?
Yeah.
Yeah! Fuck Satan!
Huh?
Anybody see my nose?
Hell is real.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
You were right.
The Hellbound Saints
will go funded until the Rapture.
What are we going to do?
I mean...
Without Angus, it's...
You know, it's...
He saved us.
Who's going to lead us?
I mean, he was always
there to keep us in line, you know?
I mean, that's the truth.
I'll call you cocksucker every once
in a while if it makes you feel better.
Yeah.
Hey.
He's wasted.
Let's get him to bed.
- Sorry about your hand.
- Okay, yeah.
I'll hold you.
I'm okay.
That was my second
favorite finger.
We live to fight another day.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's me.
I'm sorry about that.
You got that side?
I'm...
Liz.
Was it my fault?
No.
I wasn't ready.
You will be next time.
We'll sin.
We'll do bad together.
And you will be ready.
Yep.
Hey, babe.
Larry?
Yeah?
I want you to come home.
I'm on my way.
If you believe in demons,
it's a much shorter leap
to believing in God. Yes?
What better way to get
believers' attention,
to reaffirm faith,
than by scaring the hell
out of them?
It was just the beginning.
The female minister
left a piece of herself in the gate.
It was wedged open,
just a little, but enough.
There was...
There was no way we could have prepared
for what was coming.
Are you sure you're done?
Can we take this off?
Father?
Father?
There is your goddamn evidence.
Is it over?
The light!
Give me the light!
Heavenly God!
We are fucked.
No, no, no. You can ask
me anything you like.
So, we're here to
talk about exorcism.
I beg your pardon?
Exorcism.
Exorcism is extremely rare.
A ritual that requires
training and faith
and the authorization
of a bishop.
But let's not confuse
faith with superstition.
It is impossible to deny the existence
of demonic phenomenon.
As much as we try to shuffle off on brain
chemistry or psychology,
demons move among us.
This is fact.
No, no, no, no.
The idea that
debauchery and evil
can be confronted and defeated
by greater debauchery
and evil is heresy.
Any rumors of some sort of team
of hell bound exorcists are just that.
They simply do not exist.
So, yeah. The Pope is dead.
He was a pious guy.
No idea who
the new boss will be,
and how it will roll
down on the parish.
You're a dog.
Page four news.
Ain't that some shit?
Sad state of the world, man.
Hope Angus doesn't
let it ruin his birthday.
We really wanted to go
whole hog this year.
You know, tie one on,
drag it around until it is dead.
Angus loves cake
like a fat kid,
so I got to get him a cake.
Problem is,
cake ain't exactly a sin.
A little bit of gluttony maybe,
but that is some
candy-ass sinning.
Hey! That's mine.
That's my paper.
Oh, it's cool.
I will get it back to you.
But it's mine.
You just can't...
Hey, you want to come down here
and fucking do something about it?
Father!
I ain't your fucking dad!
You do not mess
with a man of God.
But I found this place
you can get cake
that ain't just some bullshit
cardboard thing, but an actual cake.
With a stripper
jumping out of it,
which makes it a sinful cake
and puts us on the work budget.
Hi, Miss Rainey.
Wow, look at that.
Is the girl inside already?
No, she doesn't get in
until the party.
Mmm.
What are you up to?
You know, a little lust.
Little sloth.
Cool. Little envy
on this end.
We had sex once.
Once. Ages ago.
Eleven months ago on Tuesday.
It was my second night here.
It was a passionless affair.
First time I tried crack.
Guys! I am trying to
concentrate here.
I'm married.
Penelope, my wife...
I mean, we are mad about each other.
Like teenagers, really.
I am going to be sick.
Hey, babe.
I was going to fry some eggs.
Do you want some eggs?
I want to go home.
Mmm.
What's good, Erik?
I wasn't doing anything.
That's cool.
Oh, my God.
I hate him so much.
I hate Larry so much.
Like Nazi cancer hate.
Can you believe that
Elizabeth had sex with him?
Him? Fuck!
That's so messed up.
Expenditures have to
match transgression,
especially with
a new Holy Father.
I mean, we have all
been falling behind.
I don't think any of us are
damnation ready except for Angus and I.
You? You're more
damnation ready than me?
Yes, sure I am.
How do you figure?
I mean, look,
gluttony, wrath, pride.
You're pretty solid,
but you've got one count...
One count of lust.
Granted, you were cheating on
your wife, but it's over a year old.
That's not going to fly, Larry.
You can't go to hell...
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, this applies
to you too, Elizabeth.
Last six months, you have been here
for some gluttony, pretty constant mast...
Mast... You know,
just all sorts of stuff.
Nothing serious.
You are still new here...
I am a woman
and you're a Catholic,
everything I do is a sin.
How are you sinning more
than me, huh?
You are not going to pull
that whole shellfish in Leviticus shit
on me again, are you?
Stephen, what the fuck, man?
It's wrath.
Hey, Cecilia is here.
You hit like a girl.
What?
Your stripper.
You asshole.
What the hell was that for?
Wrath. Wrath.
Wrath.
Stop flapping your
cocksucker at me,
you god-forsaken
slug stain of Onan.
A good Pope just died,
and the new Pope is a faggot.
This world is
fucked for salvation.
Sure. But me and the guys,
we put a little birthday thing together.
Christ's birthday ain't
for another week!
Christmas?
Angus, it's April.
Your birthday is today.
Hmm.
Augustine Interfaith Order
of Hellbound Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
That's Bernard Weinberg.
Hand me the fucking phone!
Bernard Weinberg?
You sure?
Ah.
Yes, understood,
Your Excellency.
Rabbi Weinberg. Fuck.
They said he was a librarian.
A rabbi is a rabbi is a rabbi.
The laws of man mean shit
to the Prince of Darkness.
Men of God are
Satan's Pearl Harbor.
It's where he starts wars.
I am going to need a second.
Who is damnation ready?
I'm five for seven.
Get your kit.
So my partner took the one witness
he had down to the hospital.
They think they can
get the four fingers
re-attached back
on to his hand
if they can get them
out of him in time.
Not sure
about the fifth finger.
No flashing lights, no helicopters.
We don't want the press.
Hey, hey, I get it.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna have to
lock you guys in there.
If I do not hear anything
by dawn...
I am going to have to
call in SWAT team.
If we are not out by dawn,
burn the whole fucking building down.
And here, in case you find
the other finger.
Oh, and there is an ear. There
should be an ear in there, too. Okay?
Are you damnation ready?
Absolutely?
Uh...
You got any Eucharist?
Fuck you, cracker.
I'm ready.
What the hell?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Where is my master?
Shit!
I command you!
In the name of God!
Once and for all consign
that fallen tyrant into the flames of hell!
We know what you like.
Christ compels you back
into the pit!
And all your whores, Father Anus,
you sodomite! Strike terror, Lord,
into the beast
laying waste your vineyard!
You are as steeped in filth
as any of the damned!
Abso-fucking-lutely!
And I will see all you
cocksuckers in hell.
I got him! Do it!
I compel you, unclean spirit,
and all your minions...
I command you to obey me!
I, a minister of God,
despite my unworthiness...
Larry, holy water.
I only brought one.
Oh.
Help me!
Where is my master?
Judas!
My master wants a man of God!
He will get one.
What are you doing?
We're going to hell together.
No!
Take me.
I welcome you in.
You and all your minions.
I had to find
the Bible section.
King James, motherfucker!
Let's finish this.
I am only the hound of Surtr.
Good for you. Send us a postcard
from hell, huh? Let him talk.
I am only the hound of Surtr.
I flush the game.
Where is my master?
Thirty pieces of silver
for your services.
My master wants a man of God.
A weak man of God.
Lawrence.
Fuck you, Satan!
No, stop!
No, no, no, stop!
Oh, fuck!
Toes for a thumb!
Toes for a thumb!
Rub Mommy's feet, Larry.
Bring Mommy a glass of wine.
Angus!
Angus!
It's done.
Jesus, he bit your toe off.
Man, you are some detective.
Hey, don't be an asshole!
I'm borrowing your mace.
What in the name of God...
What the fuck were you
doing, Weinberg?
What? What?
Angus?
Call me Father.
I am doing God's work.
Did you summon a fucking demon?
And what the fuck
is all this about?
We're still here.
We're still here.
Hey, give me that!
That is enough!
I am shackled to this asshole.
Hey, lay off that.
Don't touch me.
I had a vision.
This city...
The whole country was on fire.
Oceans burnt.
Surtr cracked the gates.
Flames swallowed the world.
Surtr. What is that?
It's like kabbalah or something?
Surtr is an old god.
Norse, I think.
A bad one.
He revels in blasphemy.
So I gave him a man of Adonai,
days after the death
of your pope.
He should have taken me.
Yeah, well, you fucked that up.
You got ridden by
some pissant jerk-off of a demon,
complaining about
who his master was.
Why didn't he take me?
It's time to burn.
He is a macaroon.
I was wrong.
Thank God, I was wrong.
The Church certainly has some troubles in
the modern world, eh.
But they're still powerful.
It can still cover up a story.
So tell us about
the library incident.
The library incident
was a kairotic moment
in the spiritual fabric of the world.
We had been tracking
Norse blasphemies since the late '90s,
following a chain of arson and murder
across the Netherlands
committed in the name of Surtr.
We had expected a return.
We had no idea
how bad it would get.
Oh, monkey fuck!
I think he looks like
a pretty good pope.
If you like secular Philistine
money-changing cocksuckers.
I think he looks nice.
Everything is going to change.
Doorbell!
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Doorbell!
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, I'm Clint LaPierre.
I am here under the auspices of
the Brooklyn Diocese.
Oh, welcome, welcome.
Please.
Everyone, this is Clint.
The Bishop sent him.
What's good, Clint?
I need to speak to
the senior deacon.
Yeah, you do not want
to talk to Angus, man.
What's that smell?
Did you know there was
never any super heroes named Clint?
Did you?
I need to speak to
whosever in charge.
There's a new Holy Father
and the Bishop has
received orders directly from the top.
We have to clean our house...
Shut up. Shut up.
...and you, Augustine
Hellbound Saints.
There's next to nothing
in the official records.
So, again...
Who's in charge?
Uh...
This guy right here.
He is the man.
Hi.
Reverend Stephen Vargas.
You can call me Stephen.
Reverend. The Rev.
Just rub that in, that's lotion.
This way.
This way. This way.
Can I go down on you?
No.
Come on!
I will.
How do you do?
Thirty years... Shit!
He's 30 years off!
Angus, I'd like to
introduce you to...
Get this cocksucker
out of my sight.
What?
I'm working!
Who do you think
you're talking...
Who does he think
he is talking to?
I can spot a cocksucker
in a lineup.
That guy is as good as
wearing a crotch wool vandyke.
Where's Larry?
Larry!
I just can't sit at home
thinking about what you are doing here.
I already have...
Oh, baby, come on. No, no, no.
No, I already have too many directions
that I can backslide into.
Shit, I just...
Larry! Yeah, of course
I want you at home.
Larry, look, I need your eyes.
I'm in the middle of
something right now.
Weinberg said he was
trying to summon Surtr.
S-U-R-T-R.
The architect of Ragnarok,
the old Norse Apocalypse,
would be specifically
targeting men of God.
But the enumerating
cocksucker fucked the math!
It should have shown up
30 years ago!
Now, this part...
What's he talking about?
Old gods.
Worse than demons or the damned.
Larry...
Old gods? That's...
That's blasphemous!
That's our job, you android.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I am on the seduction
message board.
It's about how
if you insult a girl,
but then you give her
an expensive gift,
then she is honor bound to
let you go down on her.
Or did you mean the thing
with the brick?
Oh, I am conditioning my knuckles for
direct striking capabilities.
Are you the only sane one here?
Oh, I do a lot to
hold this place together.
Cream?
Yeah.
Macon, you in there?
Clint... Mr. LaPierre
would like to ask you some questions.
Macon?
He is a napper.
He naps.
If he is gone, I can
just show you some of his stuff.
Macon, I am opening the door.
Oh!
Oh, hey guys.
In or out? The rabbit
is going to escape.
Thanks.
So, yeah, we could
be doing things a lot more efficiently.
But the closest
we have to somebody in charge is Angus.
I mean, he's not
the manager type, you know?
Did you go to school
for management?
No. What's this?
This is our sin ledger. It's how
we make sure we are damnation ready.
Seven Deadly Sins,
Ten Commandments.
We try to...
Well, I try to make sure
that everybody is
at least four and six in.
Four and six?
Sins. We're sinners.
But you're supposedly
men of God.
Exactly.
And for the demons who can't
get cast out, sort of a nuclear option.
If you have tried everything else,
you can always invite possession
and take the devil to hell
with you through suicide.
But you got to
deserve hell, right?
I mean, you can't even
get possessed
unless you are in
a morally compromised state.
Okay, let me understand this.
You live a life of sin
to get possessed
and then kill yourself
and literally drag a demon back to hell?
There's no other way.
We're willing to make
that sacrifice.
I don't...
I don't under...
Clint?
No. No, no, no.
No, no!
It takes a great deal
of discipline.
Yeah, I do most of
the record keeping.
I mean, I am really
the only one that even bothers.
Hold on.
It looks Larry has
been slacking off.
We should check on this.
Come on, this way.
Hey.
Hey, Stephen,
I am stealing something, man.
You put it in the book.
Oh!
"If a vortex of sin cracks
the gates of hell,
"the righteous blood sacrifice
breaks them wide."
Right. Righteous, righteous.
That would mean man of God.
So Surtr would possess
a man of God, a priest,
and then sacrifice himself
to shatter the gates of hell.
Knock, knock.
So, guys, me and Clint
were going through the records...
And Larry, you haven't
been keeping up.
I mean, if somebody were
to perform last rites while you were dying,
it would be enough
maybe for admittance to purgatory.
Judas.
Why?
I mean, why bother
even keeping records
if not to know
if we are losing discipline?
I think you would
want to know that he is not performing
at his best ability.
I mean, look!
All right, all right,
I have been falling behind.
Thanks for the heads up.
Penelope has been going to AA.
I'm... I'm just trying to be there for her.
Fucking what?
She thinks she has a problem.
Her?
She has a problem?
Yeah.
You need to put spirituality
before uxorial guilt.
And discipline before all!
I'm sinning all the time.
All I do is sin, man.
Fuck your driveling
misdemeanors!
I'm talking about
quality of sin here.
Murder. Infidelity.
When was the last time
you cheated on your wife?
Eleven months ago.
Boy, I had to pay for that one.
"Hellbound" and "saint"
are not words to be taken lightly.
Now, you must be looking
for every opportunity for sin.
Hmm. Here, take this.
It's orange.
I mixed in my stool supplement.
You drink that to the dregs,
sodomize Macon,
and then you talk to me about duty.
Macon!
Come down here!
And somebody answer
the goddamn Bishop line!
I got it.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Augustine Interfaith Order of
Hellbound Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
Macon! Bring lotion!
Right, now, the vortex...
Thank you, Your Excellency.
Exorcism call.
A woman named Hobbick
in Cobble Hill says she inherited a demon.
Inherited?
That's what she said.
Sounds like bullshit.
Where is Macon?
He's in his ghetto sauna.
All right, take him with you.
Oh, thank Christ.
No! No you will not!
You do not represent
this church.
You are all an abomination
against man, law, God!
I will do everything
in my authority
to make sure that
I see your resignations
and that you are
excommunicated by the Sabbath.
Can I borrow the MetroCard?
Yeah, look, it's a monthly,
so hang onto it, all right?
You don't...
Hey!
Be careful, okay?
Fuck off, Larry.
Macon, we got a job.
Mmm? Mmm.
Liz?
What's up, Erik?
Hey.
Hey, we're trying to get
out the door here, so...
Oh, yeah. I got this
lucky chain for you.
Oh.
Um...
It's... It's like a gift.
It's like a necklace.
Real silver. A lot of carrots, you know.
No big deal.
That's really sweet.
Thank you.
Mmm.
It's... It's really nice.
Thanks.
We should...
We should get going.
Yep.
All right. Okay.
Mmm-hmm.
Enjoy that.
You stupid slut...
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Axel, my husband,
was a minister.
Presbyterian at the San Ambrose
at 95th Street?
I'm not even sure
Presbyterians believe in exorcism.
Everybody's got
demons, Mrs. Hobbick.
But we're here to help.
Well, he died three days ago.
The few buildings
we owned, I inherited.
Where is it?
In the mongoloid.
Do you mean like North Asian or are you
being inappropriate?
A mongoloid man-child.
It's in the boiler room.
Castro says he's been there
since he started the job.
Twelve years.
I had to go back 17 more
in my husband's journals.
The boy was possessed,
and Axel couldn't help him,
so we thought
the best thing we could do
was to put him somewhere where
he wouldn't hurt anyone.
In there.
Wait.
Twenty-nine years?
You're saying he has been down here
for three decades?
He was six when it started.
We're going in.
He's crying.
Hey, look at the collar.
It's iron.
Old European witchcraft.
A binding spell.
Smurbots.
I used to love these.
He used to be a child.
No. The boy
is the prison.
We can't do anything
with that collar on him.
Who could do that to a child?
Macon?
Macon! You with me?
Name yourself.
What's your name?
Christ compels you.
Name yourself.
Your name!
In Christ's name, who are you?
Get ready.
I adjure you, ancient serpent,
by the judge of the living
and the dead,
by your creator...
By that which has the power
to consign you to hell.
Depart forthwith in fear
along with all your savage minions,
from this servant of God.
Tremble before the might of God
that has broke asunder the prison walls
and led souls forth to light.
Excuse me!
Fuck you!
Motherfucker!
Motherfucker!
You motherfucker!
Fuck your parents!
Fuck your Smurbots!
You whore spawned
piece of shit!
You do not fuck
with the Hellbound Saints!
You are fucked for life!
You fucking mongoloid
rotten-breath motherfucker!
How do you fucking
like this, huh?
I will fucking kill you!
You...
You're a fuck.
Fuck!
You are a fuck,
you fucking asshole!
Goddamn motherfucker!
Look at what you did
to my face.
Exorcise this piece of shit.
In the name of the power of creation
commands you.
In the name of God...
Flee in shameful defeat
from the word made flesh.
Fall and be judged in fire.
Take off the collar.
The power of Christ
compels you.
The church of man compels you.
In the name of God be gone!
Shit.
In God's name, who are you?
In the name of God!
Oh. Did you finish?
Oh!
Stop!
Stop!
Go back to hell.
In the name of
that is everything holy.
God is my shepherd.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
Take me.
I welcome you.
Take me.
No.
Little kids?
What's wrong with you,
man? Women.
Oh, yeah, okay.
No doubt, no doubt.
So I used to know
this chick, right?
Oh, shit!
Tomorrow.
Mommy!
I was him for a moment.
I could see the edges, the tinder under
the weave, and how it will all burn.
The Messiah was
inside me and upon me.
And he was right,
the fire is good.
Your god is only one of many,
and weak and arrogant,
and deserves the flame,
and the knife, and the grave.
Who's this Messiah character?
Surtr.
Where's Elizabeth at?
They smile at each other.
Where's Elizabeth?
The dawn after...
Surtr will burn this world
down to the truth.
Glory, glory.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Where the fuck is Elizabeth at?
Dead and dying.
Like everyone else in
this tinder stick city.
A teenager is charged
with 19 criminal acts
including rape, robbery...
Macon's out of the ICU.
Doctor tried to pull that shit one me that
he was lucky to be alive.
Just get him out of there.
Hospitals are Satan's brothel.
The widow wouldn't
tell me where Elizabeth was.
Elizabeth's gone.
So we get her back.
It's what we do.
No, what we do is send demons to hell,
no matter what the cost is.
She wasn't strong enough
to cut her own throat,
so now the knife is
in our hands.
Wait...
You want to kill her?
She's one of us, Angus.
It's Elizabeth!
It's not Elizabeth.
You do not name the veal calf.
If she had had
half the discipline this job requires,
she would be in hell right now,
and that demon would be
right there beside her
instead of
out fucking the world.
She shat the bed, Larry.
No, we have to get her back.
We have to find her.
Is this your pudenda talking?
My what?
So, you two copulated once
without conceiving...
Which is bullshit
in the eyes of God, by the way.
We... We lost her.
She's not the first.
I have been at this
a long time.
I have seen too many
good men die.
We stand up for each other.
What we share is discipline.
You give up on that,
and you give up on faith.
And then you are
not a Hellbound Saint.
Hell, you are not even
a priest anymore.
Hey, fuck you.
Surtr is out there right now.
He is a God killer looking
for the edge of hell.
This is no time for weakness.
Get your head straight
or you get the hell out of our way.
Give up on her, Larry.
You hear me?
Give up on her,
or the hell with you.
Angus.
Come on, here.
Look, see?
Get out of
my fucking sight! Go!
Walk out of this church
with your eyes on the fucking floor.
Pussy!
Jesus Christ!
You're awake.
You're drunk.
Rough day.
You're always drunk.
It's my job.
How am I going to not
drink when you smell like whiskey?
It's... It's my job.
Well, you are going to
have to choose.
We lost track of
the female minister.
But she left
a clear enough trail.
Fires, blasphemies,
a few corpses.
But a lot more missing persons.
What's your name?
Dozens, then hundreds...
Ordinary people walked
away from their lives and just vanished.
You said you were
just going to help us get reorganized,
be more efficient.
What is going on?
He's shutting us down.
He says it's from the Bishop.
You all slander the Church
and everything it stands for.
Read your Bibles.
Jesus Christ closed the gates on hell
when he ascended.
You believe in God,
but you doubt hell?
I believe in Jesus Christ,
so I know there's no hell.
So, there is no need
for embarrassments like yourself
running around escorting
demons back to a place that doesn't exist.
This is a sign
of contradiction!
We have real priests authorized
by the Vatican to deal with anomalies.
Those are dated the eleventh.
You have until dusk to
vacate the premises.
The eleventh?
Fucking damnation!
The birth of Christ!
Do not take his name in vain.
Don't you talk to me
about vanity, you fucking worm.
God damn it!
Piss! Shit and piss!
Larry, this is not
from the Bishop, it is from Opus Dei.
The Bishop wishes
to maintain his distance.
Those are registered to
the Church and the city.
Opus Dei? You are
not even clergy?
We don't take orders
from the fucking laity.
Your budget's frozen,
the Church cuts all ties.
You don't know
what you are doing.
It's already done.
You motherfucker!
Sorry.
Well, shit.
I can't believe I was so nave.
Naive.
Whatever.
I thought he just wanted
to help us manage things.
Assholes, elbows,
bibles and ropes!
We've only got until midnight.
And then what?
Then hell rises up
and swallows everything.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Stephen, what the fuck
are you doing?
You leper's remnant
in Lot's dowry pouch.
Mind the ledger, make sure the rest of
these cock mane flossers
are ready for hell!
What is the last sin
you committed?
Discouraging thoughts.
We're going to war, man.
You got to fuck, or steal,
or covet something.
Keep your eye on
semi-mortar there.
He's been compromised
by the demon.
We can't really
trust him anymore.
Oh, okay.
Angus.
Erik, go question
the widow Hobbick.
She had that fucker
in her basement for 30 years.
She's got to know something about
where he plans to locate the vortex.
What about me?
What about you?
I'm here.
Uh-huh.
What's the point, man?
We lost.
What's the point?
The point is, I haven't gotten in
my daily sinning yet.
I am hornier than
a three-peckered billy goat,
and I will fuck you
into a puddle of chowder
if you don't get your sweet ass
out of my cock range
and down to that widow's apartment.
Let me just get
my flip-flops.
So, what the fuck, man?
I was here with the cops.
We need to find Miss Hobbick.
She was married to the dead guy
that owned this place.
I know who you're saying.
She was the last person
to see our friend. We need to find her.
Crazy bitch gone.
And man-child, too.
The mongoloid?
I thought he was in custody.
He got un-custodied,
I guess.
Where is she?
Crazy bitch came,
got her man-child,
and they went looking
for a shirt.
I said to myself,
"That must be a great shirt."
You mean Surtr.
What?
Surtr.
You talk English, man?
She took her man-child,
and they were talking
about great kills,
they were talking
about finding a great shirt.
Great kills?
Holy shit! You've got
Smurbots, man.
Can I have some of these?
Knock yourself out,
boss. Wait, wait.
Holy shit.
She was talking about
killing people?
Man, for real, you have got to
learn some English.
What's this?
Belonged to
the man-child.
I think this is how
they kept Surtr in the basement.
It's got markings on it
like some kind of Viking shit.
Did you hear back
from your guy?
Yeah, it's the
Babylonian finger.
The Bureau's getting
the same reaming from the Vatican we are.
They even took their guns away.
They got guns?
Why don't we got guns?
NYPD reported 200
new missing persons just last week.
Most with evidence of
violence, burn marks, blood on the ground,
neighbors reported screaming.
Two hundred? How did
that not make the news?
You think that's 200 dead?
Surtr has no use for corpses.
He needs followers.
Acolytes.
Surtr needed
warm bodies to send.
He was gathering followers,
corrupting their minds.
So it was like
a wave of hysteria,
formerly law-abiding
citizens doing the unthinkable.
Committing the kind of crimes
that scar generations.
And suddenly, Satan's work becomes
the responsibility of...
of police and doctors.
People completely unprepared
to handle such things.
It is a massacre.
Hey, I wouldn't go
in there if I were...
Bitches move.
Okay.
Angus, Larry.
Good, the gang is all here.
Shit.
The doors are getting shut tonight,
and they are not going to re-open.
This is Father Atherton.
He'll be taking over all
your outstanding cases.
He can't handle it.
He can, and he will.
More effectively and cheaper than you,
without embarrassing the...
Do you want to
take care of that?
Offices of the Church.
Oh!
You fuck!
Touch me again and you're deader than
a clipped-dick Shechemite!
There's work to do.
Angus, they shut us down.
We just stop fighting Satan
because some dipshit
pseudo-Pharisee cocksucker
shows up with a couple of
meatloaf s and half a fag?
Fuck that!
Fuck that in the fucking ear!
This isn't a job.
It's a fucking calling.
You can't fire us off
a mission from God.
Leave him alone, man!
Move or get hurt!
I have been fucked by demons, man.
What are you going to do?
Put them all out on the street.
I am getting my knife!
Except for you.
You stay.
I will do no such thing.
Stop! Stop this
immediately!
Who wants to bleed?
Stop! Stop!
Sons of bitches,
I will kill you all!
I'm sorry, brother.
I thought we were still fighting.
Okay, all right. Enough!
Everybody stops or I call the police!
You have no idea
the cost of this.
The cost? This is
a Christian institution.
Christian? And everything you are
doing is anathema to...
You are a corporate dildo
with dangerous illusions of competence.
And I guarantee you that
Jesus Christ himself
would take a fucking dump
on your front porch, pal.
Take him out.
Larry, you are
an embarrassment.
Go home.
This is our work.
Our religion. Our lives.
Where else are we going to go?
Go home!
This is our home.
What?
Penelope.
This is your home?
I brought you dinner.
I thought maybe
we could talk about us.
About the decisions
we need to make.
But I guess
you already made yours.
Elizabeth, wait!
Elizabeth?
It's for me.
Augustine Interfaith Order of Hellbound
Saints, Brooklyn Parish.
That is my concern.
Hey, man!
What the hell?
No! No!
Yes, this is
Father William Atherton.
I am taking over the open cases for
the Hellbound Saints.
Get off him!
Angus!
Yes, of course,
Your Excellency, I understand.
Right away.
I have to leave.
I'm coming.
What did the Bishop say?
That's not your concern.
Like hell.
Is it Surtr?
Somebody get the old man
to the hospital.
The rest of you need to be gone
by the time I get back.
Let's go, Father.
Okay.
Do you need to go
to the hospital?
Get the fuck away.
Hey, Larry...
You should go after Penelope.
We are all dead
by midnight anyway.
You keep saying that.
What happens after midnight?
Surtr opens the gates of hell.
It's the perfect blasphemy.
Tomorrow is
Jesus Christ's birthday.
Christmas was months ago.
Oh, fuck Christmas.
It's a date some Guinea dipshit
pulled out of a hat
to appease some fifth century
dirt-worshipping pagan.
Tomorrow is the day
that Christ was born.
Tonight we die.
We should...
We should pray.
Oh, God, you still
don't get it, do you?
Surtr is not just some
pagan old killing god.
He is the God killer!
It's not just us he destroys.
It's God, and his angels,
and heaven. Everything.
We die and go nowhere.
That's the cost of this.
Nobody kills God!
Do you think he doesn't
count on us, too?
Do you think God would keep us around
if he didn't need us?
What the fuck kind of God
would waste his time like that?
He needs us.
And we failed him.
Oh, God, we failed.
You know why there
aren't any super heroes named "Clint"?
Cool, macho name.
It's not hard to imagine.
Cheap printing.
Cheap printing in the old comics.
The L and the I, they
would bleed together.
Let's not get beat by a Clint.
Who has got a pencil?
Number two okay?
Perfect.
Something kills.
Greed kills?
Where the fuck is my gin?
I should know this.
My heart hurts.
Where would Elizabeth go
to find the edge of hell?
I keep telling you,
Elizabeth is gone.
She's a fucking demon.
A vortex of sin to crack the gates.
It would be based
on the quality of sin, not just the murder.
He didn't just say "killing",
he said great.
You hopeless, stammering drunk.
As close as you can get
to hell in New York City.
Staten Island.
Great Kills.
Great Kills.
Great Kills, Staten Island.
Okay.
Get your kits together.
Let's go send this
satanic cocksucker to hell.
Oh, yeah.
There it is, the vortex.
At its center, they will open
a fissure into hell.
What does that look like?
A flaming vagina with teeth.
How are we going to
get Elizabeth back?
Goddamn you, Larry,
we don't. She's gone.
We need to use this
to trap her inside.
Kill her, send them both
straight to hell.
You get in my way,
you're going with them.
There has got to be
hundreds of them.
Well, God's on our side.
Shit.
Name your Messiah.
Name your Messiah or die.
Detective Elrod?
What the fuck
are you doing, man?
Bathe in ash and supplication.
Have you come to accept
the true Messiah?
Do you mean our Lord
and Savior Jesus Christ?
Surtr. The Black.
Then out of our way,
you blasphemous cocksucker.
God is on our side.
Shut him up.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man, oh, man.
Shoot one.
Make an example.
The gun is empty.
No, it will work this time.
That was a miracle.
Go ahead.
All right.
Come at me. I will gut the lot
of you motherfuckers!
Let's go, sweetheart.
How are you doing?
Oh!
Angus!
Angus, come on.
Hey, you okay?
Let's get Angus out of here.
Go find Liz.
I will hold them off.
There's too many of them.
God is on our side.
Cast out the great dragon,
the old serpent Satan...
Tremble before
St. Michael the Archangel...
Clint, lend your voice.
From the snares of the devil.
Deliver us, O Lord!
Cast into hell Satan
and all evil spirits.
We beseech thee, hear us!
May God rebuke him.
We humbly pray.
Clint! "We humbly pray."
Clint!
My God! Liz!
The vortex.
Give me the collar.
Give it!
You cocksucker!
Satan!
Depart, transgressor.
Depart, seducer.
Full of lies and cunning.
Foe of virtue!
Give way to Christ,
you abominable creature.
I know you don't love me.
Shut up.
Your bitch wife, neither.
Loveless, lazy
and far from God.
Larry, we could have
been happy together.
Give way to Christ.
We can still be together.
Give way to Christ.
Give way to the light.
God casts you into
the outer darkness.
No! No!
No!
Liz. Liz, please!
Ancient serpent...
Enemy of Christ.
The power of Christ
compels you, you fucking cocksucker!
Take me!
I welcome you in.
You and all your minions.
Take me.
Take me!
Take... Take...
Unholy... Ragnarok!
Ragnarok!
Fucker!
What did you say?
Send me to hell.
Kill me. Now.
I can't.
Oh, Larry, you fucking coward.
No!
Larry! Larry!
Sorry, Angus.
Do you want last rites?
Don't you fucking dare!
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Did we win?
Yeah.
Yeah! Fuck Satan!
Huh?
Anybody see my nose?
Hell is real.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
You were right.
The Hellbound Saints
will go funded until the Rapture.
What are we going to do?
I mean...
Without Angus, it's...
You know, it's...
He saved us.
Who's going to lead us?
I mean, he was always
there to keep us in line, you know?
I mean, that's the truth.
I'll call you cocksucker every once
in a while if it makes you feel better.
Yeah.
Hey.
He's wasted.
Let's get him to bed.
- Sorry about your hand.
- Okay, yeah.
I'll hold you.
I'm okay.
That was my second
favorite finger.
We live to fight another day.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's me.
I'm sorry about that.
You got that side?
I'm...
Liz.
Was it my fault?
No.
I wasn't ready.
You will be next time.
We'll sin.
We'll do bad together.
And you will be ready.
Yep.
Hey, babe.
Larry?
Yeah?
I want you to come home.
I'm on my way.
If you believe in demons,
it's a much shorter leap
to believing in God. Yes?
What better way to get
believers' attention,
to reaffirm faith,
than by scaring the hell
out of them?
It was just the beginning.
The female minister
left a piece of herself in the gate.
It was wedged open,
just a little, but enough.
There was...
There was no way we could have prepared
for what was coming.
Are you sure you're done?
Can we take this off?