Hot Property (2016) Movie Script
Hello, you've reached
Melody's phone.
Don't bother leaving a message
because I probably
won't listen to it.
You have 112 new messages.
Melody, it's Tommy,
you know, your landlord.
I know that times are hard,
but you need to pay that rent.
Melody, it's 12.30.
I've sent you another message
about your expenses!
Hi Melody, this is candy
from RVS r us,
and we've got your RV
all ready for burning man.
Melody, it's Sam.
Don't forget dinner tonight.
I'm sure you're looking
forward to it as much as I am.
Can you just tell your teenager
not to make things too weird.
Ta.
London is going through
the greatest property boom
in history,
and I'm missing it
because of you.
Tommy is pretty pissed off
about the rent, Mel.
He said if you don't pay it
he's gonna come back
to London on air miles
and garrote you
with dental floss.
I'm not sure
that's even possible,
but if he's willing
to use up his air miles
he must be really fucked off.
Melody, it's David Klein here.
I would very much like
to meet you for lunch.
Shall we say the at two o'clock?
You must think
I'm such an idiot.
I don't understand any of that.
I wouldn't say you're an idiot.
Oh. Well, maybe it's just
too much champagne.
It's really very simple.
Our new product is a medicine
based around a chemical
compound called Vincyclidine.
Going to make us pots of money.
- Excuse me, miss Munro?
- Yes?
A telephone call for you
at the bar.
Oh, how old school.
I'm so sorry,
will you excuse me?
- I'll be right here.
- Okay.
Don't go anywhere.
Melody Munro.
5,000 on a Winnebago rental?
Perhaps you could tell me
how your work demands
any need
for a luxury motor-home?
Excuse me, sorry.
What desserts do you recommend?
The Souffl's very popular,
but, personally, I recommend
the pear tart.
Hm. We'll have two of those.
Oh, and the bill.
My guest will be leaving soon.
Alan, Alan, stop talking.
I've just sent you the
recording of our conversation
and my write-up.
I'll be back in three weeks
after my holiday.
No, you will not, you will
be in my office in...
How the hell did she...
Fuckin' badass, tell you that.
Thank you, Barry.
I'm so sorry about that.
So, what do you say
we get these to go?
I know a very good
and very discreet hotel
'round the corner.
Oh, David,
that sounds wonderful,
but I've got things to do.
Sorry.
Come on, sack that off!
I'm not buying you lunch so you can
go back to emails and photocopying.
Yeah, I don't really do
photocopying in my work, David.
'Course, I'm sorry.
I'm sure your role
is very important.
Yeah.
I work
in competitive intelligence.
You're a corporate spy?
Oh, actually we're trying
to get away
from the whole spy thing.
But what I've just told you,
it's commercially sensitive!
It's-it's completely secret!
Sensitive, yes.
Secret, not so much anymore.
Oh, wow,
this has been
an expensive lunch!
You whore!
No, David...
that's what you thought I was.
I am fucking you,
just not how you imagined.
So there's 100 pills,
your two ounces of Charlie,
two bottles of liquid Ketamine,
and my own special mish-mash,
2ci, 2cb, m-cat
and a couple of others
that haven't come out yet.
Will that do you?
- Alan?
- I've found another one!
2,347 on flowers, in may!
People like flowers, Alan.
If you like my flat so much,
maybe you could find it
in your barren heart
to pay me some fucking rent.
Listen, I've done more
for this flat
than you've ever done.
That's probably true, but...
I also own it so...
unless we enter a state
of pure utopian Marxism
in the next 24 hours...
you pay me some rent,
or you get the fuck out.
Goodbye.
He doesn't mean it.
It's amazing!
You've got me.
But we've got to do this
in order to do that,
so that's what we're doing.
Yeah, it's important.
You're basically going to inflict
a religion on your child
because you want to put them
in a particular kind of school?
Yes, you've absolutely
hit the nail on the head.
That's exactly
why we're doing it.
Oh!
What did he say?
You can only eat the third one.
Third rice, third Reich.
- Conceptual.
- Mmh.
Please.
Try this for us.
Oh...
Shit the bed. Is it...
Is it meant to taste like that?
It's, um... it's political.
Wow. I mean, that's exactly
what this christening needs.
No, no, no, no,
what this christening needs
is mini Shepherd's pies
from a reputable caterer,
that's what
this christening needs.
- Samuel...
- I'm just saying...
just remember why we'e here.
Yes.
Dear sister,
we have come to ask you...
to be Auden's godmother.
Um...
Is there a polite way
for me to say no?
No.
And renounce Satan, yes,
that is what I will be doing.
Wow.
Mum and dad would be so proud.
Oh, everyone thinks god
is bullshit, Melody.
You just have to believe in a
good education for our child!
Sam?
Sam?
Well, look, I'm gonna be on a low
serotonin comedown from burning man,
and I really don't need
to be having flashbacks...
in a church.
Who on earth is Bernard Mann?
So you're taking your teenager
to the Californian desert
for two weeks
so he can giveaway hot dogs
to people on drugs?
He's 20, it's three weeks,
and they're burgers.
And why do they get burgers
while I'm meant to serve
fascist uncle Ben's
at my firstborn's christening?
They're placenta burgers
cooked by the power of the sun.
Of course, they are.
Guten appetite.
It's... anti-Semitic pastry.
Yeah. It's a swastika...
but it's art, you know,
it's conceptual.
It's got sprinkles on it.
Oh, sprinkles or hundreds
and thousands
representing the hundreds
and thousands who died.
Millions of people died,
Saskia, in the war.
Millions... thousands...
Tom-may-to, to-mah-to.
Keep drinking.
Babe...
Babe... babe!
Babe!
Babe, we're going
to burning man!
We're going to burning man!
Oh, well, what time is it?
11:30. Look! I made breakfast.
Mmh.
Oh, um, by the way,
I tried to buy
an industrial magnifying glass
with your card,
but it got declined.
- What card?
- The one you said.
With the horse on it.
Fucking Alan day.
He's such a fuck...
What are you fucking up to?
He's onto you! Get out!
Barry?
You can't try and sack me.
Try and sack you?
I'll take you to tribunal.
I've been in this game a lot
longer than you, Melody.
I've seen the cry-on-demand
trick before!
My parents died three years ago
the day before Christmas.
My boyfriend is a 20-year-old
fucking concept chef.
If you let me fall
there is no one to catch me.
I want the mobile, the day pass,
and the range rover keys, now.
I have been a customer
at this bank
since I was seven years old.
No.
No, I understand that, but...
Will you please, please
just extend my overdraft?
So I just don't understand
how it can take a week
to do a background check.
No, I'm not going to a fucking
pay day loans company!
So, I'll just be two minutes
and I'll get some cash.
No problem. Okay.
We don't need money, babe.
There is no money
at burning man.
Listen, I'm saying
we just rock this stage
with nothing but each other,
a freezer full of placentas,
and a dream.
Come on, Harmony,
we do need money.
What about petrol,
water in the desert?
Babe, in-in Cuba
they make the petrol
out of sugar cubes,
or canes.
But, look, and people
will gift us water!
And you've always wanted
to go to burning man!
You said we've paid for it all,
we might as well go to...
Babe! Come on!
Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I'm being selfish.
We'll go next year.
Or never.
Oh, babe. I'm sorry.
We can get money.
How?
- Going to burning man.
- We're going to burning man?
- We're going to burning man.
- Oh, fuck!
I love you.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Took a bit of time.
Harmony, we're not flying
over the Atlantic
in a small plane
with propellors.
I don't know, I've not
been much since flying over.
Well, hello. If it isn't
lofty the land baron.
Uh, yeah. Great. Whatever.
So I'm getting pretty fucking
pissed off about this flat,
if I'm being honest,
so I was speaking to the agent
and I'm putting it up for rent.
What?
You're evicting me?
Um, no...
Well, yeah.
Obviously yes.
I am.
Look, sorry,
this is a really crap time.
Can I just call you back?
I'm just going into a meeting.
No, no, no, no, wait.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
I will get you the money.
I will pay the rent.
Sure. Whatever.
Okay, so there's a guy
from charlatans
coming this afternoon
to take photos of the flat.
When it's online you're free
to spend the 5,000
like anybody else and rent it.
I've got 1,010, Tommy.
Well, that's 3,990 to go!
Mind the doors.
What?
Is he-is he kicking you out?
He's taking my home.
Mel, we'll be on one of
those planes in a second!
San Francisco,
now in it ' s final stage...
Oh my god, babe,
look at the propellor...
Babe, come on.
Can't put it online if they
can't get into the flat.
- What?
- If I can stop them taking the photos
and doing the floor plan,
then that will buy me the time
to get the four grand
for the deposit, and then,
then I can keep the flat.
Do you know how hard it is to get
300 placentas in California?
Last call for passengers...
Look, babe, some of the biggest
food blogs in the world
go to burning man.
They're really changing
what food is out there.
Food is just food, okay.
They are not changing
what food is,
they're just a bunch of twats
pissing around in the desert.
I find it hard to believe that
you think food is just food.
This is my home!
We have to defend it!
Come on!
You're safe.
You're safe now.
There is nothing else
about placentas
on the post cuisine circuit
right now.
It'll be yesterday's news
next year!
Showtime.
Is this even legal, Melody?
We're at war here, Harmony!
Legality is a luxury
that we do not have.
Okay, look, babe,
I know that you're upset,
but this, this is important...
and that's why you can do
your food concept thingy
- love plus food?
- Uh-huh.
- Here?
- Uh-huh.
But you said you'd rather
be gang raped by koala bears!
Yeah,
but I've basically realized
it's a really good idea!
Yeah!
But first we've got to stop
this fucker from getting in.
Okay.
Oi, charlatans,
get the fuck out!
Yeah, fuck off!
Get the fuck out my house!
What the fuck are you doing?
Are you fucking crazy?!
Crazy bastards!
Brick?
Piss?
Basically, medicinal.
I've only been drinking vodka
and Berocca this morning.
I'll be back, you bastards!
Take that, you little shit!
Oh, Christ, this place is worse
than fucking Johannesburg
on a Friday fucking night.
Woo!
Melsy-babes, how's it going?
You tell me, Charlie!
Fucking mental.
You would not believe
where I ended up last night.
Check it out.
I had sex with that guy.
That's a wonderful image,
Charlie.
So, what have you got for me?
Um, right
what have I got for you?
What do... well-the...
Okay, here's the thing, Melsy,
you are what we like to call
in the headhunting industry...
um... a person...
who I cannot get a job for.
Charlie, you tapped me up,
three weeks ago,
saying that you could get me
a job anywhere.
Yeah, I did, but that
was before you went around
stealing from your employer
and blackmailing him,
you know, which, all in all,
makes you look
like a bit of a crook.
I'm just being honest.
Thank you very much.
I won intelligence monthly's
industry's most promising
this year and 2013.
That is a prize that they give to the
most successfully duplicitous person
under the age of 30
in an industry that's based
on nicking
other people's information.
They want crooks.
Okay.
Between me and you, the economy
is awful at the moment.
Charlie, I'm about
to be evicted.
You've got a lovely figure.
Why don't you become an escort?
What? Is that the advice
you give to all your clients?
Only my fit ones...
who are otherwise
completely unemployable.
Or you could be a drug dealer,
except you'd trouble
with the police
and it's
bad for the environment.
Sell a kidney?
Wow, thank you, Charlie.
Your help has been invaluable.
Aah.
I mean,
how would your mother feel?
So, how much for a kidney?
I'm fuckin' ashamed of you.
According to the blood report,
technically you're not
even alive.
Go. Yeah.
Do you realize that
this line's recorded, yeah?
I can categorically state
that I do not intend to
and have never been involved in
any insider trading
or libel fixing.
Oh, come on, banker-boy,
surely you
and your little banker friends
must have fiddled the figures
at some time,
like that guy, Clive?
Why don't you just go to a job
center like a normal person?
Sam, I'm not a normal person.
There's no way I'm gonna go
to a job center.
You know, this whole thing
would be so much easier
if you just gave me 4,097...
Well, not gave,
lent me 4,097.53...
And I'm done.
Found it!
Excellent!
Ah.
What are you gonna use it for?
Sorry.
Sorry, it's a bit
of a bad line here.
I've just been on the phone
to the agent
and he said somebody pissed
on him.
Piss?! What, someone pissed
on his head?
Oh, god, that's awful.
Melody, Melody?
Melody, do you know
what a hostile tenant is?
Yeah, it's what they call it...
It's what they call it
when someone tries
to intentionally sabotage
the viewings, you understand?
Tommy,
why would I want
to sabotage the viewings, hm?
Tracker activated.
Okay.
So... really I don't need
to give you the keys
because I'm going to be
renting it very soon, anyway.
Oh, that's Lekker.
All I need is the full deposit
in cash
and clearance of the reference
check application,
which you will put
into this in tray.
So, in a few days I'm going
to have all of that for you.
No, that's Lekker.
In the meantime,
I'm under instruction that this
highly desirable loft space
is to remain on the market...
so...
I need the keys.
Look,
I'm sure we can come
to some kind of agreement.
Do you know how long
I've been at this branch?
42 months.
You can count them.
39 of those,
I've been sales agent
number one!
You're looking
at the best in show.
Wow, do you want a prize?
Every month.
Keys.
Hoo...
You're playing with fire,
little lady.
One week.
One week without those photos or
the floor plans on the website,
and then I will have your money,
plus a little extra
just for you.
Are you trying to bribe me?
100... 300.
I'm an estate agent.
We follow a strict
moral and ethical code!
800...
Two pounds and 45 pence.
That is my final offer, okay?
I'm just gonna leave that there
in your little special in tray
and I'm gonna walk away, okay?
You're one crazy camper!
You know that?
Nope.
How would you rate
your Google skills?
Do you mean can I write?
Would you say you have
good interpersonal skills?
Motherfucker!
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's raining men, hallelujah
amen, I'm gonna get out...
Gonna get myself wet
absolutely soaking wet
it's raining men, hallelu...
What the fuck?!
Check it out!
This company
does liquid nitrogen
in 19th century milk churns.
Oh, Jesus, Harmony!
Sorry.
Lemon.
Orange.
Lettuce.
Leave that there.
Harmony, there's another one
for you.
How many did you get?
Just put it here.
Oh, right.
Ah!
Oh!
Sorry, babe,
completely forgot about them.
They're probably a bit off
by now.
Mr. and Mrs. Burton-hall,
how are you?
Mr. Burton hall.
Good to see you.
- Mrs. Burton-hall.
- Oh!
You look absolutely stunning.
Come with me.
Have a look at this apartment.
Beautiful, eh?
They sometimes drop their
business onto the floor, yeah?
Now, look at this.
Security is very tight.
Even Oscar Pistorius
wouldn't be able to shoot
through this door, eh?
Be prepared to see
the apartment of your dreams.
I'm sure there's a light switch
in here somewhere.
Lights!
- Jesus Christ.
- Christ!
What the fuck?
Look, I know we said
that we wanted an urban feel,
but this-this is just sick!
Hello JP!
Oh, don't mind us.
I-I was just going to
put the kettle on.
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Oh, god!
Oh, this is happening again!
No, wait. Wait!
You have to see past the dcor!
Well done, baby.
Mmh!
Melody!
Open the fucking door!
Still worshipping Satan, then?
Here you go.
I said wait Rose.
Tough shit.
How can you be
this hard up, anyway?
You must have some of the
payout from the restaurant,
right?
You-you've spent 230,000
in three years?
No, I spent it in two.
Well, just under two.
On what?
What did you spend it on?
Meals out, mostly.
Kitchen stuff.
You're fucking joking me,
aren't you?
You spent a quarter
of a million pounds on
restaurants and kitchen stuff.
You-you're not even
paying rent.
Well, obviously I can't
afford to.
Oh, this is mad.
That is...
I mean, I don't know
what kind of mad that is,
but that's fucking mad.
Oh...
What's mad auntie Melody
going to do, eh?
- All right! Um...
- Nasty daddy won't help her.
Okay.
I'll speak to Saskia.
She was telling me she's got
an opening for some...
vacuous bullshit artist.
I think you're wildly
overqualified for it,
but Saskia won't give me a job
after godmother gate.
Yes, she will.
But you are just going to have
to grovel to her, aren't you?
Is auntie Melody going to have
to grovel to Saskia?
Yes, she is!
Saskia, is going to be
very angry at Melody,
but Melody doesn't care
'cause she needs a job!
That's fun, isn't it?
- You're a dick.
- Yeah, I know.
And you're a dick.
A massive dick.
Yeah, we've got Cher Lloyd
coming in.
Jungle book Mufasa thing
with her.
Okay.
So, Metro bitch, hit me.
Metro bitch?
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
It's kind of what's trending,
but at the same time,
a state of the nation analysis:
Thackeray meets Woolf,
but with Twitter.
The red carpet is out,
it's opening night.
What is the premier.
Melody Munro Metro bitch column?
N-now?
Just idea shower me.
I was-i was kind of thinking
I wouldn't need to interview
for this job.
21st century journalism
is constantly revolutionizing.
You know, by the time
you've written now
it's already last year.
Tomorrow's now
has already been snapchatted
by a 16-year-old info blogger
from Malaysia.
I don't follow.
I've been seeing other
applicants for this job,
so I guess, Melly,
it's just a case of...
How much you want it.
I'm really sorry
about the godmother thing.
Thank you.
So?
I have the job?
I'm really grateful
that you apologized, Melody,
and family is so important
to me.
But... if I'm honest,
this other applicant has all
the skills to nail this job.
Who is it?
Oh, you know her! Laurie mills!
Yeah, I mean she really
has her finger
on the pulse
of the Zeitline generation.
She's a massive cunt.
Cunt.
So, yeah, I...
I really think...
Cunt.
Just get out.
Cunt.
Faster.
Babe. Oh!
Babe, what are you doing?
Don't tell me. Listen.
Amazing news.
- You know my auntie Babs?
- Yeah.
- The pedo.
- Yeah.
She just died.
What? God, I'm so sorry.
No. It's fine.
She's now communing
with the lord of hosts.
Imagine that.
Anyway, more amazing,
I've inherited 4,000.
Harmony, that-that's amazing.
Babe, it means love plus food
can now be how I imagined it!
- What?
- Listen, check it out.
Isn't it amazing you always
get what you pray for?
Great.
I want you to get down
on your knees now
and start to pray...
because the day
of atonement, my friends,
is at hand,
and he brings not peace,
he brings a sword,
and behind him is fire!
And if you do not
adhere to his creed,
he will beat you, senselessly,
like someone else's
redheaded stepchild!
Do not listen to that fat cat
in a pointy hat...
Yes! Get in!
Just one more win,
one more win and we're safe.
Can't bluff me, ashraf17.
Harmony, I'm kind of
in the middle of something,
something really important.
Mel, Mel, babe, look who's here!
Melody, you're missing
the revolution!
Harmony is so totes amaze, BTW.
Love and nong!
Laurie's gonna come to love
plus food and do an article
about it for her new
Metro bitch column.
How nong is that?
Woohoo!
Ah! N-
aah
miss Munro,
I know you're in there!
The hermit crab cannot stay
in the shell for too long,
it has to come out and breathe!
Open!
Miss Munro,
you cannot fight
with the market.
The market is like god,
all-seeing, all-knowing,
omnipresent...
so open the door!
Miss Munro,
please open the door.
I don't want
to do anything rash.
September,
the German ring closed.
Mel, don't leave me standing
out here like a twat, please.
I've got booze.
Beer o'clock?
Eh, don't-don't-don't
shut the door in my face,
because I am about to do
something incredibly stupid.
What?
I'm gonna give you the money.
- Yes!
- Yay! Best brother ever!
Now, listen, this...
Is a temporary loan
from Auden's university fund.
There are rules to this, okay?
Okay, anything.
You're to be godmother.
R-really?
Really? Wow.
Do you want the money?
Sam, I would love
to be Auden's godmother.
Oh, I'll be back in a minute.
Where you going?
Mwah!
Yep. That's... typical.
Raining men
- hey! I can take the flat!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- I can take the flat!
- Christ!
I've got the money.
I can give it to you right now!
It's 8:30, you crazy woman.
I'm going home!
Okay, okay, I'll come see you
in the office first thing, yeah?
Get off the vehicle!
- Get away from the vehicle!
- Okay!
- Get away from the vehicle!
- Okay, I'll see you first thing.
Ha, ha, ha! Woo!
Yeah! Whatever!
I love you,
and I love this flat,
and I love you in this flat,
and I think they should
stock you in boconcepts.
Babe, babe, babe, try this.
- Hm?
- Try this.
Oh, that is...
That's really a lot of salt.
- Amazing!
- Bit too much?
No, babe, no!
Tell Gandhi
there was too much salt.
Gandhi couldn't get any salt,
so he marched on the sea.
Salt caused a revolution.
That searing dryness
is the taste of a revolution!
Suffer.
Visionary.
Completely
and utterly visionary.
Huh? Thanks.
It's pretty fucking nong, huh?
This is the crest
of a new epoch.
It's like being in
the cavern club at '62, or...
Berlin, 1933?
Yes. I love Berlin.
Right, I'm really sorry, but we're going
to have to keep the kitchen clear.
Oops, sorry!
Just trying to say hi
to the maestro!
And also I did think I'd take a
couple of photos while I'm here
just 'cause the agent said
he couldn't get in to take any.
Oh, well I'm afraid the flat's
not for rent anymore.
Oh, yes, I know, I'm not-
I'm not renting it, so...
Then why are you taking photos?
Because I'm buying it.
So if you could just move
'cause you're kind of
in my visual space.
My flat is not for fucking sale.
Okay, just take the flat!
Take the flat.
I accept your offer.
Just take the fucking flat.
Sir, put the mask back on.
Why?
Why are you doing this?
I'm just trying to live my life!
No, you're not.
You're trying to live
my fucking life!
Get out!
Mel!
How on earth can I write
my piece for Metro bitch,
though, if I haven't tried
our beautiful chef's cuisine?
Oh, just fuck off!
Mel, I really need this piece!
No, don't you dare!
Don't you dare take her side!
Well, you can serve the food
to her outside on the street,
because that's where
she's going to fucking be.
Yeah, well, maybe I will.
Fine. Fine.
Well, you can take
all of your twats with you.
- Oh!
- Oh, Melody!
Get out. Get out. Get out.
Get out. Get out. Get out.
Get out of my fucking flat!
Awkward.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that is the end of part one!
Part two, it seems,
is outside on road!
Take your plates!
Sitting at tables
is so mid-noughties, isn't it?
Harmony? Harmony?
Yeah, it's great energy
out here, motherfuckers!
Melody, baby, great event.
Loved the drama. Transformative.
So I'll be around with
my surveyor in the morning.
Should have the exchange
within the month.
Nong!
I've got it!
I've got your dimensions!
Nothing can stop
the JP de kock...
five day house seller.
No, no, no, you can't exchange
a property in five days!
No, you can't,
not unless
your name's JP de kock.
I've done the searches.
I taught myself conveyancy law.
I've just done the survey.
The market has spoken
and I am its instrument.
But-but I need
a little bit more time.
Another trader
jumped off Coq au Vin's roof
well I would, too,
if I had to eat their food.
I sometimes get a feeling
I'm on an escalator.
Everyone says if you stay on it
you're going somewhere good.
Everyone else is on it so,
you know, must be good.
It's going up, isn't it?
Then sometimes you get
the feeling that actually
it may just end up
somewhere completely shit.
Or maybe it doesn't end up
anywhere at all, maybe it just...
just keeps going up.
Do you ever think that?
What, that my life is
a drifting sea of mediocrity
and the only certainty
is my inevitable death?
Yeah.
No, not really.
So what do you think of my plan?
Getting Laurie to ditch
her article on Harmony
and writing
an anti-charlatan piece.
I thought that was
just a deranged rant.
When did you and Saskia
get married?
You were there. You were
bridesmaid, for fuck's sake.
Oh, yeah.
You're being stranger
than usual.
The key to intelligence work
as psychological leverage.
You need to find out
what motivates people
and then you can use that
to manipulate them.
It's not gonna change her mind
about buying the flat
because you send her
a few emails.
People aren't
that impressionable.
No, it's not just that.
I mean, take Saskia,
for example.
What's her core motivation?
I don't know,
probably to get other people
to give her the perfect life,
career and family
while expending
no effort herself.
Yeah, well I've thought
about it,
and what drives Laurie
is her desire to not miss out,
driven, no doubt,
by some deep-seated...
childhood trauma
that her parents
didn't take her to Disneyland
or whatever.
It still burns.
Mmm, so all I need to do
is convince her
that there's more cool in writing
this anti-charlatans campaign
than there is
in stealing my life!
Fucking hell,
Zencorp is plummeting!
Wh-why are you even calling me?
Why do you keep
asking me about Saskia?
Oh, I just wanna know
about my family.
No, no, no, you're doing your
spying thing again, aren't you?
Yeah, that's what you're doing.
You stop that right now.
Thank you, Sam.
This talk has helped.
Sorry, you were saying?
Oh, yes.
Look, this... space...
it's one idea, I suppose,
but, look, no one has ever
suffered in space,
apart from aliens,
and we can't relate to them.
We can't.
No, for food to mean anything
it's gotta be created in pain,
possibly boiled in blood.
I've tried it in the past,
but I've struggled
with coagulation issues.
You're getting all of this?
Yeah, this is so great.
Amazing. Amazing.
Where was I?
Ah, yes, coagulation.
So what I've found, I think,
is to offset the...
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, um...
What do you think
about gentrification?
It's definitely bad.
But if you think about it,
anything that ends in "ation"
is bad, you know?
Industrialization...
station...
penetration.
Oh no, that one's...
Well, I suppose
it could be bad or good
depending on the situation...
Yeah, definitely, um...
Also, maybe
anti-gentrification,
it's the new food?
No, I think food
is still the new food.
Yeah, but...
Well, I'm just really feeling
these anti-gentrification vibes
and I just think that food
is so next gen
that it can wait for just...
No, Laurie mills,
food can't wait!
My food can't wait!
It's too important for that!
Look, Nelson Mandela once said,
"you haven't lived
until you've found something
worth dying for."
My food is worth dying for,
okay?
God... your hands are so strong.
Frozen and silent,
Leningrad refused to die.
Bread was now made
with sweepings,
cattle cake and sawdust.
Over two and a half
million people
were trapped in the city,
over 400,000 of them children.
People ate soap, linseed oil,
the paste for wallpaper...
"Saski-babes, totes adore
the charlatan thing,"
when you gave me the job
you promised me 100 percent
editorial control to guarantee
Metro B's authenticity.
"I truly believe
in Harmony Ambrose."
Hmm, not as vacuous
as we thought!
Okay.
By Laurie mills.
By Laurie mills.
What?
What do you mean, a dongle?
Ugh! Come on, help me!
Hmm...
Ah, come on, just help me out!
Surprise!
You look like shit.
At least you remembered
it's Auden's birthday.
That's something, isn't it?
Yeah...
Yeah, where is the birthday boy?
Saskia's taken him to the floating
tots swimming experience.
Ah!
It's my life, by the way.
I'm sorry, Sam.
What are you sorry about?
Everything.
I...
know it's been hard
since they died, but...
you've got to stop
doing these mental things, Mel.
There are other flats.
Yeah, I know
it seems crazy, but...
if she gets my flat, then...
she gets my boy,
and she takes my life.
You know,
I can't let that happen.
Then come home,
be with people who love you...
and forget the flat.
And, do you know what, you
should forget Harmony as well.
You're doing the crying thing.
Why do I lose everything, Sam?
Oh, fucking hell.
Come here.
Oh, god, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, this is silly.
I'm just gonna clean myself up.
- You okay?
- Yep, I'm fine! I'm fine.
Hey, chicken pop!
I forgot my dongley thingy.
It's in, uh, my office.
Ah, Melody!
You gave me a fright!
Yeah, I know, I was just
looking for the loo.
Oh, really?
It's downstairs, same as it was
when you grew up here.
Yeah.
Ah, here we go.
Toodles.
Toodles.
Hello. Hello.
Hello, darling, my name
is Saskia armitage-Munro,
don't you know.
I work for Zeitline.
I work for the Zeitline.
Well, I'm the main editor
of Zeitline.
You know, one of the most
important magazines in London.
Sammy! Sam.
Sammy, remember why we're here!
Sam. Sam!
Mmh, mmh, Toodles!
Laurie, darling, love the fact
you're Metro bitch now,
Zeitmost.
Thing is, Saskia, is that...
I'm actually buying Melody's
flat through charlatans,
so, I mean,
wouldn't that look a bit odd?
That's what makes it so perfect!
It's life as lived on
the front line of hip London!
When you make a stand
and don't buy the flat
it'll be a real story,
reportage.
So you want me
to push Harmony's food thing
until next week?
No, no food thing,
just charlatans.
That's going to
hurt Harmony's feelings?
He doesn't matter.
Just do it.
Betrayal? Love it.
So next gen.
Okay, Toodles.
Who was that, darling?
So funny.
Great story. Tell you later.
Super!
Our ancestors in caves
didn't eat for taste,
they ate to survive,
and that is the kind of purity
of consumption that we need.
My new pop-up
will have the need concept.
Every meal will be served
by a Japanese Shinto priest
holding a loaded gun
to your head,
and that will
amplify the experience
more than any flavor.
It'll be like one plus one
equals... eight.
A totally immersive
dining experience.
Wow, that sounds great!
Oh, it's better than great!
Babe, it's a revolution.
That's what me and Laurie have
been working on with this article.
It's just amazing that this
is happening to me, you know?
I feel like the luckiest guy
in the world.
Um... you...
Y-you're not hungry?
Oh, no, I am, I'm starving.
And this is amazing, you know.
It's probably the best-tasting
food I've ever tried.
But I shouldn't really be...
What?
Look, Laurie says I really need
to be 100 percent
brand Harmony right now.
And I've already got the
advantage of one word equity,
you know, like Boris,
or Shano... Warne.
But also live it, you know?
Every day is literally a battle
against the tyranny of taste,
this war of attrition
that I've got within myself.
Basically, Laurie says
I've got to stop eating food
that tastes nice.
All good, babe?
Do you wanna fuck?
You do fuck still, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
I'm still Australian.
Oh god, I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Yeah, and I love you.
- Oh, and I love you!
I love you.
I love you and I love you.
Are you talking to the flat?!
No?
Babe!
Oh, god. Oh.
He had nothing to do with him.
Oh, my god.
Well, Melsy babes,
here you are!
Oh, and just look at Harmony.
God, if I hadn't been
lumbered with Sam
I'd be all over
that sexy Aussie bum.
- That's a nice image.
- Oh, shut up, darling.
You know I heart you.
Hey.
What has she put you in, eh?
Yeah, I know.
I feel exactly the same.
So, we start with the greeting.
- Yes.
- You think so?
Uh, miss out that bit.
Can I just-can I just
ask a question?
Are we...
Is this coming before that?
This bit after.
Oh, look, look.
He's worried.
Oh, he's worried.
Relax!
That was a strange phone call,
wasn't it, Melody?
What phone call?
Oh, you know the one.
The one when you rang
pretending to be Saskia.
Dashing, dashing.
Hi, hi. Thanks for coming.
Harmony is
going to be heartbroken
when I tell him after the
ceremony that you betrayed him.
Why don't you just stop
making things up?
Charlatans thing was
a nice idea, though.
Bad luck.
Why don't I take him?
I'm great with kids.
Look, I'm fine.
I can hold a baby.
I think it's probably best,
though, if I take him.
Why don't you fuck off
and get your own fucking baby?!
Uh, um...
Why don't we see if you
can manage holding this?
Hello!
Yay.
Is that better? Yes.
Can you get
your fucking shit together
and stop fucking swearing
in the fucking church?
Shall we begin?
Yes.
Our lord Jesus Christ
has told us
that to enter
the kingdom of heaven,
we must repent our sins!
For god so loved the world
that he gave his only
begotten son
so that whosoever believeth
in him
shall not perish,
but have everlasting life!
Hi! Hey!
Speaking of life,
that is why we are here!
So, may I ask you to bring
the godparents forward?
- Yes.
- Yes. All right.
Cunt.
And stop right there, yeah.
Bingo.
Have you seen Doris and Dave?
Thanks for coming!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, stop, stop.
Just fucking stop.
I don't wanna hear.
I took that by mistake.
Mel, just go, okay?
I don't wanna see you again
until you pay me back
my child's money,
all of it.
Um, where's Laurie?
Why?
A story she's written's
going bonkers on Twitter,
"burn charlatans burn."
God, that is so on trend.
Oh, Laurie, have you seen this?
You're such a clever girl!
We've gone viral!
- Sorry?
- "Burn charlatans burn."
God, it's brilliant.
Wow, Laurie,
how did you think of that?
Oh, I suppose you'll
have to publicly refuse
to buy the flat now.
Oh! Oh, we could live-stream
her telling the agent!
Yes, that's brilliant!
I don't know about you, Saskia,
but I'm really impressed
that Laurie would be willing
to risk her relationship
with Harmony for the sake
of the right story.
I'm not sure I'd be able
to forgive someone
who did that to me.
Oh, this is perfect.
You're such a clever
little angel.
I'm tweeting piers Morgan now.
Charlatans is the new form
of Chinese cabbage.
Actually, like,
speak up and say...
Fuck charlatans!
I just know how to tuck a penis
up my bum.
Heart Laurie mills.
Laurie mills is the one.
Ms. mills.
What's with the video?
I have come to tell you
that I think you're a cancer...
eating away at society.
You and your extensive range
of high-quality apartments...
apartments is what is ruining
the local spirit of my area.
You just bring in an influx
of wealthy,
aspirational,
good-looking people,
which, quite frankly,
I find disgusting!
Hmm!
But it's the market.
People want to live
in this area.
You want to live in this area!
How dare you, JP?!
I will never, ever,
buy a property from you.
Charlatans have taken our vibe!
It's ruined
our warehouse parties
and killed our street markets!
But now it is time
to take our streets back!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Fuck you, charlatans!
Fuck you, charlatans!
Woo-hoo! Woo!
Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!
Yeah.
Fuck!
Oh, my god.
That was so inspirational, it's
given me an idea for a starter.
Oh no, wait.
Wait, I'm going to cook for you.
Babe, why are you throwing away
a picture of Laurie?
What?
Holy shit, it was you.
Just-just ignore that, babe.
You set this whole thing up?
You knew it would ruin
my article.
- I did it for us.
- No, you didn't.
You want this flat so much,
you're welcome to it.
You don't love me, I'm just
another thing to you like your...
de'longhi.
- Where are you going?
- To find Laurie,
someone who wants me to succeed.
Well, Laurie doesn't want you
to succeed,
she just wants your cock!
Laurie mills actually cares
about my food!
Oh, your food!
The food is
pretentious bullshit!
You still love me, don't you?
Mmh.
Who is it?
Melody Munro,
bailiffs collecting on behalf
of show me the Skrilla.
Are you letting us in?
You sure?
This hasn't happened before.
Just... just take it.
Take it all.
It wasn't a heart attack,
it was an irregular murmur
brought on by stress.
In fact, saying
the words " heart attack"
made me more stressed.
Apparently, my blood pressure
is the worst seen
outside of Japanese
mid-level management,
which is great.
The doctor's given me
this... heart rate thing.
Okay, listen, I'm going to
stop you right there.
Look.
I want you to sell the flat.
I can't talk about the flat.
Talking about the flat makes me
very uncomfortable and nervous.
I need to remain calm.
I need to remain extremely calm.
Okay, well I'm gonna move back
with my brother.
And, Tommy...
I'm sorry.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Sorry, my heart's beating.
Sorry. It's the emotion.
Fuck.
Suni!
Suni, fucking getting in here,
Suni!
Fuck. I'll see you later.
Arh!
We're temporarily closed
at the moment,
but you can still view
our extensive
range of properties online!
It's Melody.
Step away
from this retail property!
I have your keys.
You can have them.
Wow.
You're joking, yeah?
To the Victor, the spoils.
Come on, JP, let's get you
a celebratory drink.
Glasses are over there.
But... first probably
some water, eh?
The... toy... factory.
Ah, Melody,
fancy meeting you here!
What are you doing?
Burn charlatan burn!
I wrote it, so now...
I'm going to do it!
Okay, glass, video record.
Say my name.
I am the Metro bitch!
Laurie... I wrote it...
You know that.
Oh, Melody,
you are funny sometimes!
This is really fucking serious.
You're right, Mel,
it is really serious.
- Harmon...
- Mel, I found it.
I've found the revolution.
And, look, it'll cause
a little bit of pain,
quite a lot of destruction,
but from its ashes
a new world will arise,
a better world,
and I'll be the one
to capture that...
in a kebab.
Okay, right, kids,
playtime is over.
You can go to jail for this
stuff for a very long time.
You can't stop me this time,
Melody.
Do you know that Bob Marley
once said,
"you haven't lived
until you've found
something worth dying for"?
Nelson Mandela.
Well, I... am... Bob Marley.
Well, you can be Bob Marley
all you want,
Harmony and me,
we're getting out of here.
- No!
- Come on, Harmony.
Do you know what?
You two...
you deserve each other.
She's always been
such a dull bitch.
Let's burn this fucker!
Hey, Sam, it's me.
I wanna move back home.
You set this whole thing up?
You've got to stop
doing these mental things...
You set this whole thing up?
You're playing with fire.
No. You've got to stop.
No, wait.
- Stand back, please!
- No, no, no!
These guys, they are morons.
It was me. I did it.
I burnt charlatans.
Fuck you, Melody!
I burned charlatans
and it's all here
on my Google glasses!
You stand back!
I'm warning you!
Mel, I'm scared!
- Where's JP?
- He's in the car!
Laurie's gone nuts!
We're non-violent, officer,
apart from arson!
You win.
The attractive
loft conversion is yours.
- JP, stop moaning!
- What?
I think you've got work to do,
and I think
you're gonna enjoy it.
Come on!
What?
JP! JP, tell them!
Hello, officers.
This woman is fucking crazy!
I've had enough of this shit!
I'm going back to Africa
to sell weapons.
No, JP! You tell them
it was me.
It was her.
She's one crazy fucking bitch!
No! It was me!
Jesus Christ!
Oh, god, that felt good.
Right, lads, it's taser time!
Thank you.
All right, Jones?
Yeah, you know.
How's anger management
classes going?
Shit.
That's nice, innit?
Stop.
How's my nephew?
Good. Really good.
Did you get the money
that I transferred over
for his birthday?
Mm-hmm.
So, only two weeks to go!
Fucking hell,
two weeks.
See Laurie's campaign?
What,
the free the charlatans one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
She's been trying to get in
to do an interview.
One good thing about prison,
you can stop people
from visiting you.
Well, she is a massive cunt.
Yeah.
Saskia has said if you wanna
do a column
about being a posh girl in
prison there might be a slot!
Ooh, yeah!
Thanks.
I was actually thinking of trying
some cooking when I get out...
like a local restaurant
somewhere.
And nothing with a theme
and not a fucking pop-up.
I was actually quite
into the Nazi food.
By the way, yeah, Tommy's back.
I don't know, I thought maybe...
you guys could...
I'd still rather have
my old room back with you,
if that's all right.
That's fine. Of course.
Good.
Harmony sends his love.
- Does he?
- No. Not really.
Phew.
Oh, god.
Welcome to guerrilla gourmet,
my new cooking show,
where we're shooting here in...
Where are we?
In Ukraine,
and I'm cooking a flaming galah.
Fuck.
Ah, yes.
Harmony, I see men in the trees.
Just keep shooting, Anatoli.
This is what this is all about.
This is a cooking revolution
right here.
Oh, fuck. Fuck!
Oh, my leg.
Anatoli...
Anatoli, mate.
I'll get the first aid kit.
Anatoli, did we bring
the first aid kit?
I have seen the light!
'Cause the anti-Christ
is coming too!
He gonna be bringing
smite and retribution!
Giant wasps, they be coming too!
Welcome to JP's AKS!
Today, we're gonna be selling
the best fucking weapon
known to mankind!
Fucking get some, baby! Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, we've only
got 55 of these AK-47s left.
We've got to get rid of them!
You know, I don't wanna have to
put these in the trunk
of my car when I leave here
and try and drop them off
at a township somewhere, no!
These things have to go!
There you go, baby.
Do you wanna hold that
and show them how you shoot?
Now, look at this.
Now, you just aim down.
There you go, baby!
There you go!
Get some! Fuck you!
When you absolutely positively
must kill every motherfucker
in the room,
this is the only
weapon of choice.
Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Yeah, we just sold
another five of those.
You could shoot someone
about 1,000 yards with this
and still take
their fucking arm off.
That's just
the way it works, eh!
Now, this is the way I prefer
to... give me that there, baby.
This is the way I prefer
to shoot, yeah?
You're gonna take these
and you're gonna fucking blow
some fucking people's head off!
Yeah, like that!
Fucking get some!
Fucking get some!
And I said, you know,
"cointreau is
for flambing bananas,"
but they were drinking it!
Oh, goodness. Horrible!
Well, to bring it back
to a conclusion,
I think everything has gone
most satisfactorily,
Mr. and Mrs. Munro,
and I really don't have
any other questions.
It just remains for me
to ask Auden
if you have anything to add,
young man?
Cunt.
Melody's phone.
Don't bother leaving a message
because I probably
won't listen to it.
You have 112 new messages.
Melody, it's Tommy,
you know, your landlord.
I know that times are hard,
but you need to pay that rent.
Melody, it's 12.30.
I've sent you another message
about your expenses!
Hi Melody, this is candy
from RVS r us,
and we've got your RV
all ready for burning man.
Melody, it's Sam.
Don't forget dinner tonight.
I'm sure you're looking
forward to it as much as I am.
Can you just tell your teenager
not to make things too weird.
Ta.
London is going through
the greatest property boom
in history,
and I'm missing it
because of you.
Tommy is pretty pissed off
about the rent, Mel.
He said if you don't pay it
he's gonna come back
to London on air miles
and garrote you
with dental floss.
I'm not sure
that's even possible,
but if he's willing
to use up his air miles
he must be really fucked off.
Melody, it's David Klein here.
I would very much like
to meet you for lunch.
Shall we say the at two o'clock?
You must think
I'm such an idiot.
I don't understand any of that.
I wouldn't say you're an idiot.
Oh. Well, maybe it's just
too much champagne.
It's really very simple.
Our new product is a medicine
based around a chemical
compound called Vincyclidine.
Going to make us pots of money.
- Excuse me, miss Munro?
- Yes?
A telephone call for you
at the bar.
Oh, how old school.
I'm so sorry,
will you excuse me?
- I'll be right here.
- Okay.
Don't go anywhere.
Melody Munro.
5,000 on a Winnebago rental?
Perhaps you could tell me
how your work demands
any need
for a luxury motor-home?
Excuse me, sorry.
What desserts do you recommend?
The Souffl's very popular,
but, personally, I recommend
the pear tart.
Hm. We'll have two of those.
Oh, and the bill.
My guest will be leaving soon.
Alan, Alan, stop talking.
I've just sent you the
recording of our conversation
and my write-up.
I'll be back in three weeks
after my holiday.
No, you will not, you will
be in my office in...
How the hell did she...
Fuckin' badass, tell you that.
Thank you, Barry.
I'm so sorry about that.
So, what do you say
we get these to go?
I know a very good
and very discreet hotel
'round the corner.
Oh, David,
that sounds wonderful,
but I've got things to do.
Sorry.
Come on, sack that off!
I'm not buying you lunch so you can
go back to emails and photocopying.
Yeah, I don't really do
photocopying in my work, David.
'Course, I'm sorry.
I'm sure your role
is very important.
Yeah.
I work
in competitive intelligence.
You're a corporate spy?
Oh, actually we're trying
to get away
from the whole spy thing.
But what I've just told you,
it's commercially sensitive!
It's-it's completely secret!
Sensitive, yes.
Secret, not so much anymore.
Oh, wow,
this has been
an expensive lunch!
You whore!
No, David...
that's what you thought I was.
I am fucking you,
just not how you imagined.
So there's 100 pills,
your two ounces of Charlie,
two bottles of liquid Ketamine,
and my own special mish-mash,
2ci, 2cb, m-cat
and a couple of others
that haven't come out yet.
Will that do you?
- Alan?
- I've found another one!
2,347 on flowers, in may!
People like flowers, Alan.
If you like my flat so much,
maybe you could find it
in your barren heart
to pay me some fucking rent.
Listen, I've done more
for this flat
than you've ever done.
That's probably true, but...
I also own it so...
unless we enter a state
of pure utopian Marxism
in the next 24 hours...
you pay me some rent,
or you get the fuck out.
Goodbye.
He doesn't mean it.
It's amazing!
You've got me.
But we've got to do this
in order to do that,
so that's what we're doing.
Yeah, it's important.
You're basically going to inflict
a religion on your child
because you want to put them
in a particular kind of school?
Yes, you've absolutely
hit the nail on the head.
That's exactly
why we're doing it.
Oh!
What did he say?
You can only eat the third one.
Third rice, third Reich.
- Conceptual.
- Mmh.
Please.
Try this for us.
Oh...
Shit the bed. Is it...
Is it meant to taste like that?
It's, um... it's political.
Wow. I mean, that's exactly
what this christening needs.
No, no, no, no,
what this christening needs
is mini Shepherd's pies
from a reputable caterer,
that's what
this christening needs.
- Samuel...
- I'm just saying...
just remember why we'e here.
Yes.
Dear sister,
we have come to ask you...
to be Auden's godmother.
Um...
Is there a polite way
for me to say no?
No.
And renounce Satan, yes,
that is what I will be doing.
Wow.
Mum and dad would be so proud.
Oh, everyone thinks god
is bullshit, Melody.
You just have to believe in a
good education for our child!
Sam?
Sam?
Well, look, I'm gonna be on a low
serotonin comedown from burning man,
and I really don't need
to be having flashbacks...
in a church.
Who on earth is Bernard Mann?
So you're taking your teenager
to the Californian desert
for two weeks
so he can giveaway hot dogs
to people on drugs?
He's 20, it's three weeks,
and they're burgers.
And why do they get burgers
while I'm meant to serve
fascist uncle Ben's
at my firstborn's christening?
They're placenta burgers
cooked by the power of the sun.
Of course, they are.
Guten appetite.
It's... anti-Semitic pastry.
Yeah. It's a swastika...
but it's art, you know,
it's conceptual.
It's got sprinkles on it.
Oh, sprinkles or hundreds
and thousands
representing the hundreds
and thousands who died.
Millions of people died,
Saskia, in the war.
Millions... thousands...
Tom-may-to, to-mah-to.
Keep drinking.
Babe...
Babe... babe!
Babe!
Babe, we're going
to burning man!
We're going to burning man!
Oh, well, what time is it?
11:30. Look! I made breakfast.
Mmh.
Oh, um, by the way,
I tried to buy
an industrial magnifying glass
with your card,
but it got declined.
- What card?
- The one you said.
With the horse on it.
Fucking Alan day.
He's such a fuck...
What are you fucking up to?
He's onto you! Get out!
Barry?
You can't try and sack me.
Try and sack you?
I'll take you to tribunal.
I've been in this game a lot
longer than you, Melody.
I've seen the cry-on-demand
trick before!
My parents died three years ago
the day before Christmas.
My boyfriend is a 20-year-old
fucking concept chef.
If you let me fall
there is no one to catch me.
I want the mobile, the day pass,
and the range rover keys, now.
I have been a customer
at this bank
since I was seven years old.
No.
No, I understand that, but...
Will you please, please
just extend my overdraft?
So I just don't understand
how it can take a week
to do a background check.
No, I'm not going to a fucking
pay day loans company!
So, I'll just be two minutes
and I'll get some cash.
No problem. Okay.
We don't need money, babe.
There is no money
at burning man.
Listen, I'm saying
we just rock this stage
with nothing but each other,
a freezer full of placentas,
and a dream.
Come on, Harmony,
we do need money.
What about petrol,
water in the desert?
Babe, in-in Cuba
they make the petrol
out of sugar cubes,
or canes.
But, look, and people
will gift us water!
And you've always wanted
to go to burning man!
You said we've paid for it all,
we might as well go to...
Babe! Come on!
Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I'm being selfish.
We'll go next year.
Or never.
Oh, babe. I'm sorry.
We can get money.
How?
- Going to burning man.
- We're going to burning man?
- We're going to burning man.
- Oh, fuck!
I love you.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Took a bit of time.
Harmony, we're not flying
over the Atlantic
in a small plane
with propellors.
I don't know, I've not
been much since flying over.
Well, hello. If it isn't
lofty the land baron.
Uh, yeah. Great. Whatever.
So I'm getting pretty fucking
pissed off about this flat,
if I'm being honest,
so I was speaking to the agent
and I'm putting it up for rent.
What?
You're evicting me?
Um, no...
Well, yeah.
Obviously yes.
I am.
Look, sorry,
this is a really crap time.
Can I just call you back?
I'm just going into a meeting.
No, no, no, no, wait.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
I will get you the money.
I will pay the rent.
Sure. Whatever.
Okay, so there's a guy
from charlatans
coming this afternoon
to take photos of the flat.
When it's online you're free
to spend the 5,000
like anybody else and rent it.
I've got 1,010, Tommy.
Well, that's 3,990 to go!
Mind the doors.
What?
Is he-is he kicking you out?
He's taking my home.
Mel, we'll be on one of
those planes in a second!
San Francisco,
now in it ' s final stage...
Oh my god, babe,
look at the propellor...
Babe, come on.
Can't put it online if they
can't get into the flat.
- What?
- If I can stop them taking the photos
and doing the floor plan,
then that will buy me the time
to get the four grand
for the deposit, and then,
then I can keep the flat.
Do you know how hard it is to get
300 placentas in California?
Last call for passengers...
Look, babe, some of the biggest
food blogs in the world
go to burning man.
They're really changing
what food is out there.
Food is just food, okay.
They are not changing
what food is,
they're just a bunch of twats
pissing around in the desert.
I find it hard to believe that
you think food is just food.
This is my home!
We have to defend it!
Come on!
You're safe.
You're safe now.
There is nothing else
about placentas
on the post cuisine circuit
right now.
It'll be yesterday's news
next year!
Showtime.
Is this even legal, Melody?
We're at war here, Harmony!
Legality is a luxury
that we do not have.
Okay, look, babe,
I know that you're upset,
but this, this is important...
and that's why you can do
your food concept thingy
- love plus food?
- Uh-huh.
- Here?
- Uh-huh.
But you said you'd rather
be gang raped by koala bears!
Yeah,
but I've basically realized
it's a really good idea!
Yeah!
But first we've got to stop
this fucker from getting in.
Okay.
Oi, charlatans,
get the fuck out!
Yeah, fuck off!
Get the fuck out my house!
What the fuck are you doing?
Are you fucking crazy?!
Crazy bastards!
Brick?
Piss?
Basically, medicinal.
I've only been drinking vodka
and Berocca this morning.
I'll be back, you bastards!
Take that, you little shit!
Oh, Christ, this place is worse
than fucking Johannesburg
on a Friday fucking night.
Woo!
Melsy-babes, how's it going?
You tell me, Charlie!
Fucking mental.
You would not believe
where I ended up last night.
Check it out.
I had sex with that guy.
That's a wonderful image,
Charlie.
So, what have you got for me?
Um, right
what have I got for you?
What do... well-the...
Okay, here's the thing, Melsy,
you are what we like to call
in the headhunting industry...
um... a person...
who I cannot get a job for.
Charlie, you tapped me up,
three weeks ago,
saying that you could get me
a job anywhere.
Yeah, I did, but that
was before you went around
stealing from your employer
and blackmailing him,
you know, which, all in all,
makes you look
like a bit of a crook.
I'm just being honest.
Thank you very much.
I won intelligence monthly's
industry's most promising
this year and 2013.
That is a prize that they give to the
most successfully duplicitous person
under the age of 30
in an industry that's based
on nicking
other people's information.
They want crooks.
Okay.
Between me and you, the economy
is awful at the moment.
Charlie, I'm about
to be evicted.
You've got a lovely figure.
Why don't you become an escort?
What? Is that the advice
you give to all your clients?
Only my fit ones...
who are otherwise
completely unemployable.
Or you could be a drug dealer,
except you'd trouble
with the police
and it's
bad for the environment.
Sell a kidney?
Wow, thank you, Charlie.
Your help has been invaluable.
Aah.
I mean,
how would your mother feel?
So, how much for a kidney?
I'm fuckin' ashamed of you.
According to the blood report,
technically you're not
even alive.
Go. Yeah.
Do you realize that
this line's recorded, yeah?
I can categorically state
that I do not intend to
and have never been involved in
any insider trading
or libel fixing.
Oh, come on, banker-boy,
surely you
and your little banker friends
must have fiddled the figures
at some time,
like that guy, Clive?
Why don't you just go to a job
center like a normal person?
Sam, I'm not a normal person.
There's no way I'm gonna go
to a job center.
You know, this whole thing
would be so much easier
if you just gave me 4,097...
Well, not gave,
lent me 4,097.53...
And I'm done.
Found it!
Excellent!
Ah.
What are you gonna use it for?
Sorry.
Sorry, it's a bit
of a bad line here.
I've just been on the phone
to the agent
and he said somebody pissed
on him.
Piss?! What, someone pissed
on his head?
Oh, god, that's awful.
Melody, Melody?
Melody, do you know
what a hostile tenant is?
Yeah, it's what they call it...
It's what they call it
when someone tries
to intentionally sabotage
the viewings, you understand?
Tommy,
why would I want
to sabotage the viewings, hm?
Tracker activated.
Okay.
So... really I don't need
to give you the keys
because I'm going to be
renting it very soon, anyway.
Oh, that's Lekker.
All I need is the full deposit
in cash
and clearance of the reference
check application,
which you will put
into this in tray.
So, in a few days I'm going
to have all of that for you.
No, that's Lekker.
In the meantime,
I'm under instruction that this
highly desirable loft space
is to remain on the market...
so...
I need the keys.
Look,
I'm sure we can come
to some kind of agreement.
Do you know how long
I've been at this branch?
42 months.
You can count them.
39 of those,
I've been sales agent
number one!
You're looking
at the best in show.
Wow, do you want a prize?
Every month.
Keys.
Hoo...
You're playing with fire,
little lady.
One week.
One week without those photos or
the floor plans on the website,
and then I will have your money,
plus a little extra
just for you.
Are you trying to bribe me?
100... 300.
I'm an estate agent.
We follow a strict
moral and ethical code!
800...
Two pounds and 45 pence.
That is my final offer, okay?
I'm just gonna leave that there
in your little special in tray
and I'm gonna walk away, okay?
You're one crazy camper!
You know that?
Nope.
How would you rate
your Google skills?
Do you mean can I write?
Would you say you have
good interpersonal skills?
Motherfucker!
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's raining men, hallelujah
amen, I'm gonna get out...
Gonna get myself wet
absolutely soaking wet
it's raining men, hallelu...
What the fuck?!
Check it out!
This company
does liquid nitrogen
in 19th century milk churns.
Oh, Jesus, Harmony!
Sorry.
Lemon.
Orange.
Lettuce.
Leave that there.
Harmony, there's another one
for you.
How many did you get?
Just put it here.
Oh, right.
Ah!
Oh!
Sorry, babe,
completely forgot about them.
They're probably a bit off
by now.
Mr. and Mrs. Burton-hall,
how are you?
Mr. Burton hall.
Good to see you.
- Mrs. Burton-hall.
- Oh!
You look absolutely stunning.
Come with me.
Have a look at this apartment.
Beautiful, eh?
They sometimes drop their
business onto the floor, yeah?
Now, look at this.
Security is very tight.
Even Oscar Pistorius
wouldn't be able to shoot
through this door, eh?
Be prepared to see
the apartment of your dreams.
I'm sure there's a light switch
in here somewhere.
Lights!
- Jesus Christ.
- Christ!
What the fuck?
Look, I know we said
that we wanted an urban feel,
but this-this is just sick!
Hello JP!
Oh, don't mind us.
I-I was just going to
put the kettle on.
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Oh, god!
Oh, this is happening again!
No, wait. Wait!
You have to see past the dcor!
Well done, baby.
Mmh!
Melody!
Open the fucking door!
Still worshipping Satan, then?
Here you go.
I said wait Rose.
Tough shit.
How can you be
this hard up, anyway?
You must have some of the
payout from the restaurant,
right?
You-you've spent 230,000
in three years?
No, I spent it in two.
Well, just under two.
On what?
What did you spend it on?
Meals out, mostly.
Kitchen stuff.
You're fucking joking me,
aren't you?
You spent a quarter
of a million pounds on
restaurants and kitchen stuff.
You-you're not even
paying rent.
Well, obviously I can't
afford to.
Oh, this is mad.
That is...
I mean, I don't know
what kind of mad that is,
but that's fucking mad.
Oh...
What's mad auntie Melody
going to do, eh?
- All right! Um...
- Nasty daddy won't help her.
Okay.
I'll speak to Saskia.
She was telling me she's got
an opening for some...
vacuous bullshit artist.
I think you're wildly
overqualified for it,
but Saskia won't give me a job
after godmother gate.
Yes, she will.
But you are just going to have
to grovel to her, aren't you?
Is auntie Melody going to have
to grovel to Saskia?
Yes, she is!
Saskia, is going to be
very angry at Melody,
but Melody doesn't care
'cause she needs a job!
That's fun, isn't it?
- You're a dick.
- Yeah, I know.
And you're a dick.
A massive dick.
Yeah, we've got Cher Lloyd
coming in.
Jungle book Mufasa thing
with her.
Okay.
So, Metro bitch, hit me.
Metro bitch?
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
It's kind of what's trending,
but at the same time,
a state of the nation analysis:
Thackeray meets Woolf,
but with Twitter.
The red carpet is out,
it's opening night.
What is the premier.
Melody Munro Metro bitch column?
N-now?
Just idea shower me.
I was-i was kind of thinking
I wouldn't need to interview
for this job.
21st century journalism
is constantly revolutionizing.
You know, by the time
you've written now
it's already last year.
Tomorrow's now
has already been snapchatted
by a 16-year-old info blogger
from Malaysia.
I don't follow.
I've been seeing other
applicants for this job,
so I guess, Melly,
it's just a case of...
How much you want it.
I'm really sorry
about the godmother thing.
Thank you.
So?
I have the job?
I'm really grateful
that you apologized, Melody,
and family is so important
to me.
But... if I'm honest,
this other applicant has all
the skills to nail this job.
Who is it?
Oh, you know her! Laurie mills!
Yeah, I mean she really
has her finger
on the pulse
of the Zeitline generation.
She's a massive cunt.
Cunt.
So, yeah, I...
I really think...
Cunt.
Just get out.
Cunt.
Faster.
Babe. Oh!
Babe, what are you doing?
Don't tell me. Listen.
Amazing news.
- You know my auntie Babs?
- Yeah.
- The pedo.
- Yeah.
She just died.
What? God, I'm so sorry.
No. It's fine.
She's now communing
with the lord of hosts.
Imagine that.
Anyway, more amazing,
I've inherited 4,000.
Harmony, that-that's amazing.
Babe, it means love plus food
can now be how I imagined it!
- What?
- Listen, check it out.
Isn't it amazing you always
get what you pray for?
Great.
I want you to get down
on your knees now
and start to pray...
because the day
of atonement, my friends,
is at hand,
and he brings not peace,
he brings a sword,
and behind him is fire!
And if you do not
adhere to his creed,
he will beat you, senselessly,
like someone else's
redheaded stepchild!
Do not listen to that fat cat
in a pointy hat...
Yes! Get in!
Just one more win,
one more win and we're safe.
Can't bluff me, ashraf17.
Harmony, I'm kind of
in the middle of something,
something really important.
Mel, Mel, babe, look who's here!
Melody, you're missing
the revolution!
Harmony is so totes amaze, BTW.
Love and nong!
Laurie's gonna come to love
plus food and do an article
about it for her new
Metro bitch column.
How nong is that?
Woohoo!
Ah! N-
aah
miss Munro,
I know you're in there!
The hermit crab cannot stay
in the shell for too long,
it has to come out and breathe!
Open!
Miss Munro,
you cannot fight
with the market.
The market is like god,
all-seeing, all-knowing,
omnipresent...
so open the door!
Miss Munro,
please open the door.
I don't want
to do anything rash.
September,
the German ring closed.
Mel, don't leave me standing
out here like a twat, please.
I've got booze.
Beer o'clock?
Eh, don't-don't-don't
shut the door in my face,
because I am about to do
something incredibly stupid.
What?
I'm gonna give you the money.
- Yes!
- Yay! Best brother ever!
Now, listen, this...
Is a temporary loan
from Auden's university fund.
There are rules to this, okay?
Okay, anything.
You're to be godmother.
R-really?
Really? Wow.
Do you want the money?
Sam, I would love
to be Auden's godmother.
Oh, I'll be back in a minute.
Where you going?
Mwah!
Yep. That's... typical.
Raining men
- hey! I can take the flat!
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- I can take the flat!
- Christ!
I've got the money.
I can give it to you right now!
It's 8:30, you crazy woman.
I'm going home!
Okay, okay, I'll come see you
in the office first thing, yeah?
Get off the vehicle!
- Get away from the vehicle!
- Okay!
- Get away from the vehicle!
- Okay, I'll see you first thing.
Ha, ha, ha! Woo!
Yeah! Whatever!
I love you,
and I love this flat,
and I love you in this flat,
and I think they should
stock you in boconcepts.
Babe, babe, babe, try this.
- Hm?
- Try this.
Oh, that is...
That's really a lot of salt.
- Amazing!
- Bit too much?
No, babe, no!
Tell Gandhi
there was too much salt.
Gandhi couldn't get any salt,
so he marched on the sea.
Salt caused a revolution.
That searing dryness
is the taste of a revolution!
Suffer.
Visionary.
Completely
and utterly visionary.
Huh? Thanks.
It's pretty fucking nong, huh?
This is the crest
of a new epoch.
It's like being in
the cavern club at '62, or...
Berlin, 1933?
Yes. I love Berlin.
Right, I'm really sorry, but we're going
to have to keep the kitchen clear.
Oops, sorry!
Just trying to say hi
to the maestro!
And also I did think I'd take a
couple of photos while I'm here
just 'cause the agent said
he couldn't get in to take any.
Oh, well I'm afraid the flat's
not for rent anymore.
Oh, yes, I know, I'm not-
I'm not renting it, so...
Then why are you taking photos?
Because I'm buying it.
So if you could just move
'cause you're kind of
in my visual space.
My flat is not for fucking sale.
Okay, just take the flat!
Take the flat.
I accept your offer.
Just take the fucking flat.
Sir, put the mask back on.
Why?
Why are you doing this?
I'm just trying to live my life!
No, you're not.
You're trying to live
my fucking life!
Get out!
Mel!
How on earth can I write
my piece for Metro bitch,
though, if I haven't tried
our beautiful chef's cuisine?
Oh, just fuck off!
Mel, I really need this piece!
No, don't you dare!
Don't you dare take her side!
Well, you can serve the food
to her outside on the street,
because that's where
she's going to fucking be.
Yeah, well, maybe I will.
Fine. Fine.
Well, you can take
all of your twats with you.
- Oh!
- Oh, Melody!
Get out. Get out. Get out.
Get out. Get out. Get out.
Get out of my fucking flat!
Awkward.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that is the end of part one!
Part two, it seems,
is outside on road!
Take your plates!
Sitting at tables
is so mid-noughties, isn't it?
Harmony? Harmony?
Yeah, it's great energy
out here, motherfuckers!
Melody, baby, great event.
Loved the drama. Transformative.
So I'll be around with
my surveyor in the morning.
Should have the exchange
within the month.
Nong!
I've got it!
I've got your dimensions!
Nothing can stop
the JP de kock...
five day house seller.
No, no, no, you can't exchange
a property in five days!
No, you can't,
not unless
your name's JP de kock.
I've done the searches.
I taught myself conveyancy law.
I've just done the survey.
The market has spoken
and I am its instrument.
But-but I need
a little bit more time.
Another trader
jumped off Coq au Vin's roof
well I would, too,
if I had to eat their food.
I sometimes get a feeling
I'm on an escalator.
Everyone says if you stay on it
you're going somewhere good.
Everyone else is on it so,
you know, must be good.
It's going up, isn't it?
Then sometimes you get
the feeling that actually
it may just end up
somewhere completely shit.
Or maybe it doesn't end up
anywhere at all, maybe it just...
just keeps going up.
Do you ever think that?
What, that my life is
a drifting sea of mediocrity
and the only certainty
is my inevitable death?
Yeah.
No, not really.
So what do you think of my plan?
Getting Laurie to ditch
her article on Harmony
and writing
an anti-charlatan piece.
I thought that was
just a deranged rant.
When did you and Saskia
get married?
You were there. You were
bridesmaid, for fuck's sake.
Oh, yeah.
You're being stranger
than usual.
The key to intelligence work
as psychological leverage.
You need to find out
what motivates people
and then you can use that
to manipulate them.
It's not gonna change her mind
about buying the flat
because you send her
a few emails.
People aren't
that impressionable.
No, it's not just that.
I mean, take Saskia,
for example.
What's her core motivation?
I don't know,
probably to get other people
to give her the perfect life,
career and family
while expending
no effort herself.
Yeah, well I've thought
about it,
and what drives Laurie
is her desire to not miss out,
driven, no doubt,
by some deep-seated...
childhood trauma
that her parents
didn't take her to Disneyland
or whatever.
It still burns.
Mmm, so all I need to do
is convince her
that there's more cool in writing
this anti-charlatans campaign
than there is
in stealing my life!
Fucking hell,
Zencorp is plummeting!
Wh-why are you even calling me?
Why do you keep
asking me about Saskia?
Oh, I just wanna know
about my family.
No, no, no, you're doing your
spying thing again, aren't you?
Yeah, that's what you're doing.
You stop that right now.
Thank you, Sam.
This talk has helped.
Sorry, you were saying?
Oh, yes.
Look, this... space...
it's one idea, I suppose,
but, look, no one has ever
suffered in space,
apart from aliens,
and we can't relate to them.
We can't.
No, for food to mean anything
it's gotta be created in pain,
possibly boiled in blood.
I've tried it in the past,
but I've struggled
with coagulation issues.
You're getting all of this?
Yeah, this is so great.
Amazing. Amazing.
Where was I?
Ah, yes, coagulation.
So what I've found, I think,
is to offset the...
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, um...
What do you think
about gentrification?
It's definitely bad.
But if you think about it,
anything that ends in "ation"
is bad, you know?
Industrialization...
station...
penetration.
Oh no, that one's...
Well, I suppose
it could be bad or good
depending on the situation...
Yeah, definitely, um...
Also, maybe
anti-gentrification,
it's the new food?
No, I think food
is still the new food.
Yeah, but...
Well, I'm just really feeling
these anti-gentrification vibes
and I just think that food
is so next gen
that it can wait for just...
No, Laurie mills,
food can't wait!
My food can't wait!
It's too important for that!
Look, Nelson Mandela once said,
"you haven't lived
until you've found something
worth dying for."
My food is worth dying for,
okay?
God... your hands are so strong.
Frozen and silent,
Leningrad refused to die.
Bread was now made
with sweepings,
cattle cake and sawdust.
Over two and a half
million people
were trapped in the city,
over 400,000 of them children.
People ate soap, linseed oil,
the paste for wallpaper...
"Saski-babes, totes adore
the charlatan thing,"
when you gave me the job
you promised me 100 percent
editorial control to guarantee
Metro B's authenticity.
"I truly believe
in Harmony Ambrose."
Hmm, not as vacuous
as we thought!
Okay.
By Laurie mills.
By Laurie mills.
What?
What do you mean, a dongle?
Ugh! Come on, help me!
Hmm...
Ah, come on, just help me out!
Surprise!
You look like shit.
At least you remembered
it's Auden's birthday.
That's something, isn't it?
Yeah...
Yeah, where is the birthday boy?
Saskia's taken him to the floating
tots swimming experience.
Ah!
It's my life, by the way.
I'm sorry, Sam.
What are you sorry about?
Everything.
I...
know it's been hard
since they died, but...
you've got to stop
doing these mental things, Mel.
There are other flats.
Yeah, I know
it seems crazy, but...
if she gets my flat, then...
she gets my boy,
and she takes my life.
You know,
I can't let that happen.
Then come home,
be with people who love you...
and forget the flat.
And, do you know what, you
should forget Harmony as well.
You're doing the crying thing.
Why do I lose everything, Sam?
Oh, fucking hell.
Come here.
Oh, god, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, this is silly.
I'm just gonna clean myself up.
- You okay?
- Yep, I'm fine! I'm fine.
Hey, chicken pop!
I forgot my dongley thingy.
It's in, uh, my office.
Ah, Melody!
You gave me a fright!
Yeah, I know, I was just
looking for the loo.
Oh, really?
It's downstairs, same as it was
when you grew up here.
Yeah.
Ah, here we go.
Toodles.
Toodles.
Hello. Hello.
Hello, darling, my name
is Saskia armitage-Munro,
don't you know.
I work for Zeitline.
I work for the Zeitline.
Well, I'm the main editor
of Zeitline.
You know, one of the most
important magazines in London.
Sammy! Sam.
Sammy, remember why we're here!
Sam. Sam!
Mmh, mmh, Toodles!
Laurie, darling, love the fact
you're Metro bitch now,
Zeitmost.
Thing is, Saskia, is that...
I'm actually buying Melody's
flat through charlatans,
so, I mean,
wouldn't that look a bit odd?
That's what makes it so perfect!
It's life as lived on
the front line of hip London!
When you make a stand
and don't buy the flat
it'll be a real story,
reportage.
So you want me
to push Harmony's food thing
until next week?
No, no food thing,
just charlatans.
That's going to
hurt Harmony's feelings?
He doesn't matter.
Just do it.
Betrayal? Love it.
So next gen.
Okay, Toodles.
Who was that, darling?
So funny.
Great story. Tell you later.
Super!
Our ancestors in caves
didn't eat for taste,
they ate to survive,
and that is the kind of purity
of consumption that we need.
My new pop-up
will have the need concept.
Every meal will be served
by a Japanese Shinto priest
holding a loaded gun
to your head,
and that will
amplify the experience
more than any flavor.
It'll be like one plus one
equals... eight.
A totally immersive
dining experience.
Wow, that sounds great!
Oh, it's better than great!
Babe, it's a revolution.
That's what me and Laurie have
been working on with this article.
It's just amazing that this
is happening to me, you know?
I feel like the luckiest guy
in the world.
Um... you...
Y-you're not hungry?
Oh, no, I am, I'm starving.
And this is amazing, you know.
It's probably the best-tasting
food I've ever tried.
But I shouldn't really be...
What?
Look, Laurie says I really need
to be 100 percent
brand Harmony right now.
And I've already got the
advantage of one word equity,
you know, like Boris,
or Shano... Warne.
But also live it, you know?
Every day is literally a battle
against the tyranny of taste,
this war of attrition
that I've got within myself.
Basically, Laurie says
I've got to stop eating food
that tastes nice.
All good, babe?
Do you wanna fuck?
You do fuck still, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
I'm still Australian.
Oh god, I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Yeah, and I love you.
- Oh, and I love you!
I love you.
I love you and I love you.
Are you talking to the flat?!
No?
Babe!
Oh, god. Oh.
He had nothing to do with him.
Oh, my god.
Well, Melsy babes,
here you are!
Oh, and just look at Harmony.
God, if I hadn't been
lumbered with Sam
I'd be all over
that sexy Aussie bum.
- That's a nice image.
- Oh, shut up, darling.
You know I heart you.
Hey.
What has she put you in, eh?
Yeah, I know.
I feel exactly the same.
So, we start with the greeting.
- Yes.
- You think so?
Uh, miss out that bit.
Can I just-can I just
ask a question?
Are we...
Is this coming before that?
This bit after.
Oh, look, look.
He's worried.
Oh, he's worried.
Relax!
That was a strange phone call,
wasn't it, Melody?
What phone call?
Oh, you know the one.
The one when you rang
pretending to be Saskia.
Dashing, dashing.
Hi, hi. Thanks for coming.
Harmony is
going to be heartbroken
when I tell him after the
ceremony that you betrayed him.
Why don't you just stop
making things up?
Charlatans thing was
a nice idea, though.
Bad luck.
Why don't I take him?
I'm great with kids.
Look, I'm fine.
I can hold a baby.
I think it's probably best,
though, if I take him.
Why don't you fuck off
and get your own fucking baby?!
Uh, um...
Why don't we see if you
can manage holding this?
Hello!
Yay.
Is that better? Yes.
Can you get
your fucking shit together
and stop fucking swearing
in the fucking church?
Shall we begin?
Yes.
Our lord Jesus Christ
has told us
that to enter
the kingdom of heaven,
we must repent our sins!
For god so loved the world
that he gave his only
begotten son
so that whosoever believeth
in him
shall not perish,
but have everlasting life!
Hi! Hey!
Speaking of life,
that is why we are here!
So, may I ask you to bring
the godparents forward?
- Yes.
- Yes. All right.
Cunt.
And stop right there, yeah.
Bingo.
Have you seen Doris and Dave?
Thanks for coming!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, stop, stop.
Just fucking stop.
I don't wanna hear.
I took that by mistake.
Mel, just go, okay?
I don't wanna see you again
until you pay me back
my child's money,
all of it.
Um, where's Laurie?
Why?
A story she's written's
going bonkers on Twitter,
"burn charlatans burn."
God, that is so on trend.
Oh, Laurie, have you seen this?
You're such a clever girl!
We've gone viral!
- Sorry?
- "Burn charlatans burn."
God, it's brilliant.
Wow, Laurie,
how did you think of that?
Oh, I suppose you'll
have to publicly refuse
to buy the flat now.
Oh! Oh, we could live-stream
her telling the agent!
Yes, that's brilliant!
I don't know about you, Saskia,
but I'm really impressed
that Laurie would be willing
to risk her relationship
with Harmony for the sake
of the right story.
I'm not sure I'd be able
to forgive someone
who did that to me.
Oh, this is perfect.
You're such a clever
little angel.
I'm tweeting piers Morgan now.
Charlatans is the new form
of Chinese cabbage.
Actually, like,
speak up and say...
Fuck charlatans!
I just know how to tuck a penis
up my bum.
Heart Laurie mills.
Laurie mills is the one.
Ms. mills.
What's with the video?
I have come to tell you
that I think you're a cancer...
eating away at society.
You and your extensive range
of high-quality apartments...
apartments is what is ruining
the local spirit of my area.
You just bring in an influx
of wealthy,
aspirational,
good-looking people,
which, quite frankly,
I find disgusting!
Hmm!
But it's the market.
People want to live
in this area.
You want to live in this area!
How dare you, JP?!
I will never, ever,
buy a property from you.
Charlatans have taken our vibe!
It's ruined
our warehouse parties
and killed our street markets!
But now it is time
to take our streets back!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Fuck you, charlatans!
Fuck you, charlatans!
Woo-hoo! Woo!
Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!
Yeah.
Fuck!
Oh, my god.
That was so inspirational, it's
given me an idea for a starter.
Oh no, wait.
Wait, I'm going to cook for you.
Babe, why are you throwing away
a picture of Laurie?
What?
Holy shit, it was you.
Just-just ignore that, babe.
You set this whole thing up?
You knew it would ruin
my article.
- I did it for us.
- No, you didn't.
You want this flat so much,
you're welcome to it.
You don't love me, I'm just
another thing to you like your...
de'longhi.
- Where are you going?
- To find Laurie,
someone who wants me to succeed.
Well, Laurie doesn't want you
to succeed,
she just wants your cock!
Laurie mills actually cares
about my food!
Oh, your food!
The food is
pretentious bullshit!
You still love me, don't you?
Mmh.
Who is it?
Melody Munro,
bailiffs collecting on behalf
of show me the Skrilla.
Are you letting us in?
You sure?
This hasn't happened before.
Just... just take it.
Take it all.
It wasn't a heart attack,
it was an irregular murmur
brought on by stress.
In fact, saying
the words " heart attack"
made me more stressed.
Apparently, my blood pressure
is the worst seen
outside of Japanese
mid-level management,
which is great.
The doctor's given me
this... heart rate thing.
Okay, listen, I'm going to
stop you right there.
Look.
I want you to sell the flat.
I can't talk about the flat.
Talking about the flat makes me
very uncomfortable and nervous.
I need to remain calm.
I need to remain extremely calm.
Okay, well I'm gonna move back
with my brother.
And, Tommy...
I'm sorry.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Sorry, my heart's beating.
Sorry. It's the emotion.
Fuck.
Suni!
Suni, fucking getting in here,
Suni!
Fuck. I'll see you later.
Arh!
We're temporarily closed
at the moment,
but you can still view
our extensive
range of properties online!
It's Melody.
Step away
from this retail property!
I have your keys.
You can have them.
Wow.
You're joking, yeah?
To the Victor, the spoils.
Come on, JP, let's get you
a celebratory drink.
Glasses are over there.
But... first probably
some water, eh?
The... toy... factory.
Ah, Melody,
fancy meeting you here!
What are you doing?
Burn charlatan burn!
I wrote it, so now...
I'm going to do it!
Okay, glass, video record.
Say my name.
I am the Metro bitch!
Laurie... I wrote it...
You know that.
Oh, Melody,
you are funny sometimes!
This is really fucking serious.
You're right, Mel,
it is really serious.
- Harmon...
- Mel, I found it.
I've found the revolution.
And, look, it'll cause
a little bit of pain,
quite a lot of destruction,
but from its ashes
a new world will arise,
a better world,
and I'll be the one
to capture that...
in a kebab.
Okay, right, kids,
playtime is over.
You can go to jail for this
stuff for a very long time.
You can't stop me this time,
Melody.
Do you know that Bob Marley
once said,
"you haven't lived
until you've found
something worth dying for"?
Nelson Mandela.
Well, I... am... Bob Marley.
Well, you can be Bob Marley
all you want,
Harmony and me,
we're getting out of here.
- No!
- Come on, Harmony.
Do you know what?
You two...
you deserve each other.
She's always been
such a dull bitch.
Let's burn this fucker!
Hey, Sam, it's me.
I wanna move back home.
You set this whole thing up?
You've got to stop
doing these mental things...
You set this whole thing up?
You're playing with fire.
No. You've got to stop.
No, wait.
- Stand back, please!
- No, no, no!
These guys, they are morons.
It was me. I did it.
I burnt charlatans.
Fuck you, Melody!
I burned charlatans
and it's all here
on my Google glasses!
You stand back!
I'm warning you!
Mel, I'm scared!
- Where's JP?
- He's in the car!
Laurie's gone nuts!
We're non-violent, officer,
apart from arson!
You win.
The attractive
loft conversion is yours.
- JP, stop moaning!
- What?
I think you've got work to do,
and I think
you're gonna enjoy it.
Come on!
What?
JP! JP, tell them!
Hello, officers.
This woman is fucking crazy!
I've had enough of this shit!
I'm going back to Africa
to sell weapons.
No, JP! You tell them
it was me.
It was her.
She's one crazy fucking bitch!
No! It was me!
Jesus Christ!
Oh, god, that felt good.
Right, lads, it's taser time!
Thank you.
All right, Jones?
Yeah, you know.
How's anger management
classes going?
Shit.
That's nice, innit?
Stop.
How's my nephew?
Good. Really good.
Did you get the money
that I transferred over
for his birthday?
Mm-hmm.
So, only two weeks to go!
Fucking hell,
two weeks.
See Laurie's campaign?
What,
the free the charlatans one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
She's been trying to get in
to do an interview.
One good thing about prison,
you can stop people
from visiting you.
Well, she is a massive cunt.
Yeah.
Saskia has said if you wanna
do a column
about being a posh girl in
prison there might be a slot!
Ooh, yeah!
Thanks.
I was actually thinking of trying
some cooking when I get out...
like a local restaurant
somewhere.
And nothing with a theme
and not a fucking pop-up.
I was actually quite
into the Nazi food.
By the way, yeah, Tommy's back.
I don't know, I thought maybe...
you guys could...
I'd still rather have
my old room back with you,
if that's all right.
That's fine. Of course.
Good.
Harmony sends his love.
- Does he?
- No. Not really.
Phew.
Oh, god.
Welcome to guerrilla gourmet,
my new cooking show,
where we're shooting here in...
Where are we?
In Ukraine,
and I'm cooking a flaming galah.
Fuck.
Ah, yes.
Harmony, I see men in the trees.
Just keep shooting, Anatoli.
This is what this is all about.
This is a cooking revolution
right here.
Oh, fuck. Fuck!
Oh, my leg.
Anatoli...
Anatoli, mate.
I'll get the first aid kit.
Anatoli, did we bring
the first aid kit?
I have seen the light!
'Cause the anti-Christ
is coming too!
He gonna be bringing
smite and retribution!
Giant wasps, they be coming too!
Welcome to JP's AKS!
Today, we're gonna be selling
the best fucking weapon
known to mankind!
Fucking get some, baby! Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, we've only
got 55 of these AK-47s left.
We've got to get rid of them!
You know, I don't wanna have to
put these in the trunk
of my car when I leave here
and try and drop them off
at a township somewhere, no!
These things have to go!
There you go, baby.
Do you wanna hold that
and show them how you shoot?
Now, look at this.
Now, you just aim down.
There you go, baby!
There you go!
Get some! Fuck you!
When you absolutely positively
must kill every motherfucker
in the room,
this is the only
weapon of choice.
Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Yeah, we just sold
another five of those.
You could shoot someone
about 1,000 yards with this
and still take
their fucking arm off.
That's just
the way it works, eh!
Now, this is the way I prefer
to... give me that there, baby.
This is the way I prefer
to shoot, yeah?
You're gonna take these
and you're gonna fucking blow
some fucking people's head off!
Yeah, like that!
Fucking get some!
Fucking get some!
And I said, you know,
"cointreau is
for flambing bananas,"
but they were drinking it!
Oh, goodness. Horrible!
Well, to bring it back
to a conclusion,
I think everything has gone
most satisfactorily,
Mr. and Mrs. Munro,
and I really don't have
any other questions.
It just remains for me
to ask Auden
if you have anything to add,
young man?
Cunt.