Husbands Beware (1956) Movie Script

I do.
And I pronounce you men and wives.
And now, if you could excuse me,
I have a hurry to testify
at a divorce. Goodbye.
- Bye!
- Bye.
We'll never forget you,
boy. If it wasn't for you,
we would never marry
your lovely sisters.
Oh, I'm a cupid. Anyway,
better you should support them than I.
Well, now for our nuptial kiss.
What's the idea?
That's just to show you
who'll gonna be boss around.
- Como here.
- Now wait a minute...
Now, get into the kitchen
and roast the turkey.
Yeah, make some muffins and coffee!
Wait a minute! We
don't know how to cook!
It's time you learn.
That's what husbands
are for! Now get going!
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute!
- But girls, I didn't...
- Shut up!
Now go on, pick off the
feathers of that turkey
while I study how to cook it.
- Why you...!
- Wait a minute, Moe!
Do I like that a David Crockett?
No, come on, peel that turkey!
There must be an easier way
to get the feathers off that turkey.
I get an idea! Wait!
That's over lighty? Right, sir!
I better get busy with this turkey.
Gee fellas, I didn't
know my sisters are so .
To prove it I'll help you.
Yeah? Well, get over there
and make some muffins and coffee.
- Go ahead!
- Alright.
Now get back to business here.
Poor turkey, I cut it!
Wait a minute, I'll
get the stephic pencil.
Watch your "stephic".
See now... muffins, muffins... muffins.
Three spoons of flour.
One... two... three.
And one egg.
Now I add some milk.
Now a pinch of baking powder,
no, a spoon of baking powder.
Oh, I'll make it rich.
Now I'll mix well.
Please, make like this.
Thank you.
There we are.
Did you have the shave lotion?
See you later, fellas.
Let's see. "In order to brown the turkey
you paint it with salad oil."
Salad oil, let see, maybe it's in here.
Salad oil! Well!
There we are. Round down, kid!
There we are!
Here we are. Let's go.
Open up the stove, boy!
Open that door.
- So already lit!
- Now roast it!
This bird will be out of this world.
Yeah, too good for those
elephants we married.
Hey, it's on fire! Do something!
Step aside!
Good work, kid.
- Delicious turkey!
- Nice hot muffins!
And I made it myself.
Oh, that's a cheap modern furniture.
Trying to poison us, hein?
You, you no good assasins!
Wait a minute, wait a...!
You want poison us, will you?
But I can explain...
- You too!
- What do you want...?
Marry us with those two no goods!
Why you...! Get out of our house!
Boy, if that's married life
I don't want any part of
it. I'll never get marry.
But you hooked us alright.
And we'll get even with you!
Hey, wait a minute, Shemp,
we gonna get the music class.
That's enough. That's enough.
We've done enough for today.
You might hurt your voice.
You know, bend it, crack
it or break it or something.
Professor, you're so considerate.
I'm just crazy about you!
Don't forget, we've got
another lesson Tuesday.
Gargle with old razor blades.
All right, Professor.
I know you wouldn't want
anything to happen to my throat.
Except to have somebody cut it.
How'd you like to be
married to a dame like that?
Don't even say that.
I oughta...
You oughta what?
I oughta be a little more careful.
Shut up and listen.
Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
Do I? Why, that old tightwad.
He'd steal flies from a blind spider.
- But, Shemp, he's...
- He's a louse and a weasel.
Yeah? Well, he just died
and left you $500,000.
Just like that old skinflint.
Five hundred thousand bucks?
But there's one little catch.
You get the dough
provided you're married.
So... Married?
No. No, fellas. I'm gonna faint.
- Or...
- Or what?
If you get married within 48 hours
of the reading of the will.
What time was that?
6:00 the night before last.
You just got seven hours
to get yourself a bride!
It can't be done.
No woman is interested in me.
Maybe not, pal.
But if you look real
hard, you might find one
that's interested in
a half a million bucks!
Maybe you've got something there.
You're darn right he
has. You know any girls?
I've got a lot of numbers,
but I haven't had much
luck with them lately.
Well, you can't get killed for trying.
Where's the phone?
There's a booth down the hall...
Well, what are we waiting for? Come on!
Down the hall!
Hello? Is this Ginger Gray?
It is? Well, this is
your little snookums.
I'm about to do you a big favor.
Will you marry me?
Hey! Any luck?
I've got one phone number
and one nickel left.
Well, start using it.
You clumsy ox, you. Where'd that go?
It went down here someplace.
Let's find it.
I think it went over that side.
It didn't go over there.
Get off of me here.
- Here, take this receiver.
- I got it, I got it.
All right, just take it...
- Get this out of my hair here.
- All right.
Easy, easy, easy. Get off your foot.
Now wait a minute. Can
you dial from there?
- No. Can you?
- Yeah.
If I come around like this way
and get up in this one...
How's that?
Well, it don't feel as
good as when I did this.
Wait, wait, wait. Take it easy.
Now look...
We ain't getting no place fast.
Let's get at this thing the right way!
Let me get this off!
How you doing?
Get your hand out of my face.
That ain't my hand. That's your hand.
All right. You asked for it.
- We've got to get out of this.
- Alright.
There isn't much time left.
You know that, don't you?
- What happened?
- That's what I wanna know.
Wait a minute!
- Did you get a load of that?
- What a dish!
- I wonder who she is.
- We'll soon find out.
- Oh, boy.
- Yes.
- Who's the new dame?
- A Miss Hopkins.
Miss Hopkins. Did you hear that, kid?
And good looking too.
Go get her, Shemp.
Oh, wait a minute!
You can't propose to a
girl looking like that.
We've gotta give you the works. Come on.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Come in! Cousin Basil, oh!
I'm so happy to see you!
I... I...
I've just been dying to meet you!
And you're even cuter
than Aunt Sadie said you were.
Oh, boy, success!
Yeah, listen to those kisses.
Cut it out!
Oh, you must be exhausted
after your long trip.
Sit down. Let me look
at you, Cousin Basil.
Now don't you go away.
Hello? Yes, this is Miss Hopkins.
You're Cousin Basil?
Well, then who is...?
I was...
How dare you pretend
to be my cousin Basil?
I'll teach you a thing or two! You wolf!
Don't you dare strike me!
Taking advantage of a poor,
weak, helpless woman!
You... you... you horrible person, you!
- Get up there.
- What happened, kid?
Can I help it if I ain't Cousin Basil?
Oh, Professor! Are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine.
All I wanted to do was propose, but...
Oh, Professor, this is so sudden.
You mean you'll really marry him?
Oh, of course.
He's my little old dream boat!
Your little dream boat is sailing.
Wait a minute. You're gonna sail away
from a half a million bucks?
We only got two hours left.
Come on. Get going. Come on.
Now, here's the license.
My pal wants to get married in a rush.
Oh, splendid! Oh, excuse me.
Who? Mr. Howard? Yes, he's here.
Hello. Yes? What?
How many of them? Wow.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, thanks.
That was the clerk at the apartment.
Those dames you phoned this morning
found out about the
500 grand in the papers.
Come on, pal. We gotta make this fast.
Have you got the ring?
Why, certainly.
Join hands, you lovebirds.
There he is!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Who is this character?
- She's the bride.
- Oh, yeah?
Not while I got my strength.
Tell the truth. Didn't
you propose to me?
- Yes, but I'm with...
- Didn't you?
Yes, but you turned me down.
That was before I read the papers.
Now I accept.
Look at that. We better
do something fast.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Ladies! Ladies!
Stop it, you big bully!
Justice, please, please.
- Yeah.
- Hurry up!
Just a minute. Hold
hands, you lovebirds.
Oh, my goodness.
Wait a minute.
You wouldn't hit a lady with that.
- Use this. It's bigger.
- Oh, thanks.
- Will you marry me?
- Never!
Now what do you say?
I give up. I'll marry you.
Oh, Mr. Benton. Please, please hurry.
Hold hands, you lovebirds.
How are you?
What do you mean, how am I?
Congratulations, both of you.
Thank you. We're married!
- What happened?
- You'll find out.
Well, wiseguy, your
uncle Caleb is not dead,
you don't have $ 500,000
but you are married!
Yeah, and now we're even!
Oh, you no good double crossing rats!
Why you...!