Idiocracy (2006) Movie Script
[ Man Narrating ]
As the 21 st century began...
human evolution was
at a turning point.
Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...
the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...
a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...
now began to favor
different traits.
[ Reporter]
TheJoey Buttafuoco case-
Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...
and more intelligent.
But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.
A dumbing down.
How did this happen?
Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.
With no natural predators
to thin the herd...
it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...
and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.
Having kids is such
an important decision.
We're just waiting
for the right time.
It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.
No way.
Oh, shit,
I'm pregnant againl
Shit!
I got too many damn kids!
- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!
Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.
Brittany?
No, you didn't!
- There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.
Not with the market
the way it is, no.
God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.
Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!
Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.
- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!
Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
Well, we finally decided
to have children...
and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.
And this is helping.
I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to-
It's always me, right?
Well, it's not
my sperm count.
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
That's my boy!
Whoo! Whoo!
Clevon is lucky
to be alive.
He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...
into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...
and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...
Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.
Get your hands
off my junk!
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...
while masturbating...
to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.
But I have
some eggs frozen...
so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know-
[ Clevon Shouting ]
[ Narrator]
And so it went for generations...
although few, if any,
seemed to notice.
But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D. C... .
A simple army librarian
was unknowingly...
about to change the entire course
ofhuman history.
Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!
Hey, Bauers.
This is Peterson,
your new replacement.
- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?
- No.
- Some new assignment.
They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.
I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
No one ever comes in here.
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.
I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?
No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.
Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?
Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."
It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.
That doesn't
embarrass me.
Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.
You're just gonna
have to follow.
Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.
Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.
[ Man ]
Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers...
our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.
Now, as you know,
throughout the years...
many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...
often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.
With the Human Hibernation Rroject,
we will be able to save our best men...
frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.
Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.
Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.
Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.
The most average person
in our entire armed forces.
Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried...
is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...
making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...
should something go wrong
with the experiment.
We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...
and were forced to look
into the private sector.
This is Rita. LikeJoe,
she has no immediate family.
Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...
in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...
a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-
With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.
Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...
with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.
First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?
Sure.
Let me just finish here.
You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.
Collins!
Fine. We'll move on.
It is a fascinating
world though.
Jesus, Collins.
Yeah, that's-
[ Clears Throat ]
Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...
are to be placed
into a dry freeze...
for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.
As you know,
this is highly classified.
However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.
So this is kinda crazy, huh?
- What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.
Oh, private sector.
Okay.
- So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.
Wow, that's great.
You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way-
doing a little of this
and a little of that.
I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.
Yeah.
So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?
- Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or-
- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?
I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.
Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
- [ Door Opens ]
- [ Collins ] Who wants to go first?
Me.
- [ Machinery Whirring ]
- What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I.V. S attached and all.
- What's the matter?
- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me
they'd be putting me...
in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.
Who's Upgrayedd?
He's my boyfriend.
Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?
These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.
They've tested it on dogs
and everything.
What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...
we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.
- It'll be fine.
- All right.
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?
See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.
His name was Untgrad.
Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.
Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.
[ Equipment Beeping ]
See you in a year.
[ Narrator]
The Human Hibernation Rroject...
was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...
and one of its most secretive.
But it was not immune
from human error.
Freeze!
[ Groans ]
Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...
the base was closed.
It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.
Things looked bleak forJoe,
but they were even worse for mankind.
As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...
and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.
Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...
would correct this
trend in evolution.
But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...
were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.
[ Orangutan Chattering ]
Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...
until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.
Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505...
which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.
[ Backup Warning Beeping ]
- Hold on.
- [ Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel...
an all-new Owl My Ballsl
[ Screaming ]
- All right. [ Chuckling ]
- [ Beeping ]
- [ Snarling ]
- [ Screaming ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Man Watching TV]
That guy got hit in the balls.
Ow, my balls!
- [ Groans ]
- [ Man On TV Screaming ]
Huh?
[ Groaning ]
- [ TV. : Tires Squealing, Man Screaming ]
- [ Man Watching TVLaughs ]
- [Joe] Where's-
- Hold on. Shut up!
[ Man Laughing ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!
[ Man On TV] Next week on Ow! My Balls! ,
Hormel goes to Rarisl
- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
In your face, ass!
Shut up.
I'm sorry. It's just-
Where am I?
Shut up!
I told you already!
[ Flushes ]
Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!
Come in here
and not shut up.
Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin'up,"and I was like-
[ Narrator]
Unaware of what year it was...
Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.
But the English language
had deteriorated...
into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.
- Joe was able to understand them...
- [ Indistinct ]
But when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...
he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.
[ Man On R.A.]
Raging Doc-[ Slurring ]
Report to, uh-
Dr. Lueboo...
uh, report.
- Your floor-Your floor is now clean.
- [ Beeping ]
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.
I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.
I've been hallucinating.
My head is just killin'me.
My-My-My joints
are all achy and l-
Is this a hospital or-
- Actually, I don't even know where I am.
- [ Beeps ]
[ Electronic Voice] Rlease proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...
- and have a healthy dayl
- Oh. Thanks.
Thank youl
Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.
- I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?
- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?
You know, just to drink.
[ Laughing ]
[ Continues Laughing ]
- [ Electronic Tune]
- [ Electronic Voice] You've got hepatitisl
Oh, is someone not
feeling well?
Your illness
is very important to us.
- [ Man ] Next.
- [ Electronic Voice] Welcome
to the Healthmaster Inferno...
- powered byJormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.
This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.
Come on.
- Hurry up, assholel
- Come onl
- [ Beeping ]
- Shit. Hang on a second.
This one- No.
- Hey, come on.
- Uh-
- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.
Come on!
[ Electronic Voice] Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
That's a weird misprint.
Hey.
How's it hang, ese?
Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.
I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.
I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.
But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base-
Right. Kick ass.
Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin'...
but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.
You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.
What I'd do is just like,
like, you know...
like, you know what I mean? Like-
[ Chuckles ]
- No, I'm serious here.
- [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot.
Now there are plenty of'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.
My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.
I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.
There's that fag talk
we talked about.
All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.
And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.
That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.
- What are the odds of-
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
Why don't you have this?
Oh, God.
- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.
Why come you don't
have a tattoo?
- [Joe] Oh, my Godl
- You're not unscannable, are you?
Oh, my God!
- You're unscannable.
- [ Alarm Wailing ]
- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!
You gotta let me talk
to someone in the armyl Wait a second.
They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!
Oh, my God! Oh!
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]
- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!
- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?
- [ Alarm Continues ]
- Your floor is now clean.
Your floor is now clean.
[ Narrator]
Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.
A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.
And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.
[ All Laughing ]
And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.
[ Movie. : Farting ]
It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.
[ Electronic Voice ]
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.
Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?
I said I didn't get any.
[ Electronic Voice]
Thank you. Your account has been charged.
Your balance is zero.
- What? Oh, no. No!
- Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
- [ Beeping ]
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
- Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
[ Buzzes ]
This should
help you calm down.
Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. Believes
no child should go hungry.
You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating."
Welcome to Carl's Jr.
Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
now with more molecules?
Heyl Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?
- Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.
Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.
There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.
- Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
- [ Groaning ]
[ Narrator] Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...
and not having
his U.R.C. Tattoo.
He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...
but had become
rather retarded as well.
You shut up! Now-
[ Clears Throat ]
I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.
We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.
Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money...
we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...
one of them
court-appointed lawyers.
So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Rendejo.
You're my lawyer?
Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?
- Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.
- That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the-
Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?
I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.
Shut upl Shut upl Shut upl
Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?
Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.
[ All Laughing ]
- He talks like a fag too.
- [ Laughing Continues ]
And "B," we've got all this,
like, evidence...
of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.
And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.
- [ Crowd Grumbling ]
- I know!
And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."
But check this out, man.
Judge should be like, "Guilty."
Peace.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?
- Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.
- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?
I object...
that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.
- Yeah.
- What?
And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospitall
Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.
And I object.
I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
- [ All Booing ]
- That is not okay! And I rest my case!
Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.
- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.
- [ All Laughing ]
- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen."
- [ All Laughing ]
- I didn't steal anything.
I was part of an army
experiment-
[ Narrator]
Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
- Guilty!
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.
Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
Was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
[ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.
Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.
Upgrayedd.
There are 9,726 listings
for Upgrayedd.
Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.
- Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Hey, look, can you just-
can you wait a second, please?
Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.
Really?
Think, uh-You think maybe
you could wait a day?
Baby, I can wait two days.
Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.
Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.
Thank you very much,
young man.
What the fuck?
Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.
What are we doin' here?
Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.
[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.
Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.
- Thank you.
- [ Mechanical Whirring ]
Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card-
- Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if-
You have entered the name "Not Sure."
Is this correct, Not Sure?
- No, it's not correct.
- [ Dings ]
Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?
- No, it's not. My name is Joe-
- [ Beeping ]
You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.
- Rlease confirm your last name, "Sure."
- My-
- My last name is not Sure.
- [ Dings ]
- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
- Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?
- [ Buzzing ]
Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?
They're gonna tat-
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.
- [ Whirring ]
- [ Beeping ]
Oh, that's fuckin' great.
Okay, sir...
now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I.Q. And "apitude" tests.
What for?
Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...
and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.
[ Electronic Voice ]
If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
and another bucket
that holds five gallons...
how many buckets
do you have?
Two?
Thank you.
[ Man Singing ]
[ Continues ]
'Too.
[ Continues ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Ends ]
[ Narrator]
Desperate and scared...
Joe used his superior
intelligence...
to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.
Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.
Yeah.
You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.
I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.
Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.
[ Beeping ]
[ Warning Buzzer Buzzing ]
[ Door Closes ]
- 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.
[ Beeping ]
Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
Could you check again?
'Cause, I was, you know-
I was definitely in prison, okay?
I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?
- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Electronic Voice] "Excape." "Excape."
"Excape." "Excape."
"Excape." "Excape."
[ Man Singing ]
[ Ends ]
[ Man ]
The Masturbation Network.
Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.
- And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
- [ Squeaking On TV]
- Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.
- [ Squeaking Continues ]
- Oh, yeah, that's-
- [ Knocking ]
Go away! 'Batin'!
[ Knocking Continues ]
Damn it.
- [ Knocking ]
- All right.
Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!
No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.
Hey, I could have you disbarred-
disbarred- for what you did to me.
Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.
Oh, really?
Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.
I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.
Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.
You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?
- With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.
- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.
A time machine,
for time travel.
- Do they have one?
- What?
[ Tires Squealing,
Car Crashing In Distance]
Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.
No, no, they got
a time machine.
- They do?
- Yeah.
- Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.
I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?
- Well-
- Please!
Listen, l- l-
I "supersize" with you...
but didn't you go to jail
for not havin'enough money?
Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...
I open a savings account
in your name.
That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.
- Billionsl
- 'Cause?
'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.
- Oh, l- I like money.
- Yeah.
- How many billions?
- Like, 10.
Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.
Yeah? Okay.
Uh, 30, Frito.
Thirty billion dollars.
Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion...
and the time machine's 20-
What's the minus
of 30 and 20?
Uh, it's, uh-
it's 80, Frito.
It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
- Yeah. I like money though.
- [ Man ] Rolicel Open the doorl
- [ Banging On Door]
- We're looking for an "excaped"individual.
- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.
Oh, um, he-
He's... somewhere else.
- You got something I can wear?
- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,
assorted in the middle.
[ Roliceman ]
A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile."
- [ Banging ]
- Okay, sir, we're comin'in.
- No, you can't come in.
- Can tool
- Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.
[ Banging Continues ]
Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?
- Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.
That wasn't really
part of the deal.
- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another
couple billion, all right?
- I like money.
Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?
'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.
Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't you
come back tomorrow?
- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?
When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.
That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.
- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.
- Thank you!
- Rita!
Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.
Oh, yeah!
What the hell, man?
Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.
- Where we going?
- Just get in the car.
- Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?
- [ Siren Blaring ]
- Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
- Yeah.
- And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes, asshole!
Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!
Into that dust storm,
Frito.
[Joe]
They must have just forgotten about us.
[ Rita ]
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, nol
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!
So, you owe
your boyfriend money?
Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.
You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.
Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
- Yeah, man, but you said there
was a time machine, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...
but there was no
time machine back then, so-
Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week-
He will find a way
to come get his money!
- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-
- You know what?
Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...
when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.
- Look, Rita, I don't know
how this happened, okay?
- [ Buzzing ]
But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
[ Electronic Voice] You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.
- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.
If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.
They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.
- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.
Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?
[ Machine-gun Fire]
Oh, shit.
[ Explosion ]
Oh! Oh, shit!
- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah!
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.
[ Frito ]
Oh, hell, yeahl He's on firel
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
[ Rita ]
Hey, how much farther is it?
Uh, it's, like, far.
Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.
[ Singing ]
Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?
I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.
- [ Continues ]
- How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.
[Joe]
He's a goddamned idiot.
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.
So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?
Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?
Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco.
I love you.
- [ Goats Bleating ]
- [ Duck Quacking ]
Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.
[ Rita ] We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?
Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.
In Costco?
Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.
Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you...
we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.
[ Woman ]
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
Wanna go out, honey?
Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.
- Do I got time to use the bathroom?
- [ Laughing ]
[ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ]
- [ Frito ] Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.
Yeah,
back that thing up.
- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?
- I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.
Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.
Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you-
- That's real good.
- Then you- Oh, yeahl
Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?
- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Electronic Voice] Warningl Warningl
Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.
Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.
I don't care.
Come on!
- [ Sirens Wailing ]
- Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.
We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...
I tell her not
to do the experiment.
- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh-
- No, wait.
- [ Electronic Voice]
Rlease stand clear of the doors.
She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?
- Uh-
- No, wait, hold on. It just
means I haven't done it yet.
Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.
Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.
- Then I won't have to
come back and save her, right?
- L-
- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh-
Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?
- Rlease stand clear.
- [ Policeman ] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
- Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!
Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...
just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way-
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
- [ Roliceman ] What?
- [ Spraying ]
- [Joe] Owl Godl Hey, stopl
- Damn it.
- [Joe] What is this?
- [ Roliceman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House.
- What are we doing at the White House?
- What?
- [ Spraying ]
- Owl Owl Goddamnl
[ Narrator] It turned out the results
ofJoe's I.Q. Test...
had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?
The I.Q. Test you
took in prison.
You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than Rresident Camacho.
That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.
Okay, so who are you?
I'm the secretary of energy.
He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.
I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
[ All Chuckling ]
- He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.
And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.
[ Whispers ]
Hi.
And that's
the secretary of education.
He's kinda stupid, but he's
Rresident Camacho's stepbrother.
Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?
You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...
'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.
I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?
Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.
- I don't even know what it is.
- [ Secretary of State] You better find out.
- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...
I gotta take care of some "bidness,"baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.
[ Narrator] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
porn superstar, and president
of the United States...
had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.
- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.
- I thought your head would be bigger.
- [ Muttering ]
Goddamn.
- It look like a peanut.
- [ All Laughing ]
Let's get you sworn in.
[ Rock Instrumental ]
[ Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Americal
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Announcer]
Rresident Camachol
[ Laughing ]
Shut up.
- Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
- [ Ends ]
Chill out.
Shit.
I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin'bullshit.
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
[ Man ]
Yeah!
- But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!
I got a solution.
You're a dickl
- South Carolina, "whassup?"
- [ All Cheering ]
That's what I thought!
Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...
but listen up.
I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.
[ Man ]
Break it down, Camachol
Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.
- Number two, he's got a higher
I.Q. Than any man alive.
- [ Cheering ]
- And number three, he's gonna fix everything.
- [ Applause]
I give you my word
as president.
He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.
He's gonna
make 'em grow again.
- Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.
[ Electric Guitar]
He's gonna fix
the dust storms too.
I give you my word.
He's gonna
fix the "ecomony."
[ Electric Guitar Continues ]
And he's so smart...
- he's gonna do it all in one week.
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Narrator] Rresident Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...
thatJoe would solve
all their problems.
He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...
but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.
And ifhe didn't...
Rresident Camacho
made another promise.
He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof ofhis smart mouth.
- And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.
- [ Shouting ]
I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.
I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.
I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.
I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.
Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?
Besides,
you do a kick-ass job...
you get a full
presidential pardon.
- No jail time. [ Laughing ]
- Yeah?
Fuck, yeah!
Now gimme a beer.
And get you one too.
[ Laughing ]
Shit!
[ Laughing ]
Hold on, vatol
- Whool
- [ Engine Revving ]
[ Laughing ]
- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Uh-
- I'll, uh-
- [ Door Opens ]
- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.
You understand?
So I'll be right back.
Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.
- Hopefully get it worked out
by the time we get back here.
- Sounds pretty smart.
Wait here, okay?
Wait there.
Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.
Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.
I don't know the first thing
about growin'crops...
much less
the goddamn "ecomony."
Econ-Economy.
Let's see.
Growin' crops-
No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.
Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.
It's, like-
It's, like, by the museum...
sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.
More like- But on the street. You go, um-
Wait. Let me start over.
Okay, you know
where the time machine is?
Hey. Just draw me
a map, okay?
You still want the money?
Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...
- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!
Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?
- So act smart!
- Smart like you?
[ With Effeminate Voice] "Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home. "
- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."
Shit, I thought
there was two of you.
[ Laughs ]
See?
[ Secretary of Defense]
Doesn't look that big, is it?
Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.
Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.
All right?
Hey, come on!
Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?
Whoa.
Did you just make that up?
Yes, I did.
Now look...
I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...
- and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?
Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.
[ All Laughing ]
Utilize her!
Utilize her!
[ Secretary of State]
Utilizel
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
Oh, yeah.
Butt first!
[ All Laughing ]
- [ Secretary of Defense] Utilize herl
- Okay.
Dang! May I approach
your benches?
Uh, yeah.
This sucks pretty bad.
Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?
Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.
See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?
- Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.
- It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.
Stand up with me.
Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.
Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.
No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.
Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...
on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.
Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?
What the fuck
are you all starin' at?
- Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.
- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?
Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?
You know,
in the bushes?
Oh, man.
[ All Laughing ]
- Fuck her, Joe!
- Hey, you want us to come along,
make sure she puts out?
No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.
I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.
Okay.
Get ready to run.
- What?
- Oh, goddamn it.
Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.
We'll ask for directions
on the way.
No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.
All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.
Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
could somehow magically
travel through time...
we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?
So don't worry.
You're safe.
And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...
you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?
And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
Heyl
She's not puttin'out?
Uh, no, she is.
We, uh-We already did it.
Yeah. He was great.
Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...
if we'd go family-style
on her.
Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.
We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
What the hell is this?
- Tastes like Gatorade.
- [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff? .
[Joe] They're watering crops
with a sports drink?
[ Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...
virtually everywhere.
Water, the basic component
of all life...
had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.
The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...
when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F.D. A... .
And the F.C. C... .
Enabling them to say,
do and sell...
anything they wanted.
Joe didn't know
any of this...
but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.
- [ Indistinct ]
- With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.
He would not
get out of the way.
This time, he would lead.
For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...
what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.
So wait a minute.
What you're saying...
is that you want us
to put water on the crops.
- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.
Okay, look.
The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.
Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.
Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?
- [ Chuckling ]
- You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.
So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?
Brawndo's got
what plants crave.
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?
It's what they use
to make Brawndo.
Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?
'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.
[ Narrator] After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...
and that they wanted water.
He made believers
out of everyone.
Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...
were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...
killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.
As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.
He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.
- Or so it seemed.
- [ All Shouting ]
Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.
Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.
Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?
I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?
You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.
- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.
You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
Yeah.
Hadn't thought of that.
- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.
Hey, Joe, listen.
Those cops-
- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.
They said that
you got me a pardon.
You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...
I guess I owe you one.
You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.
Oh. No. I'm-
I'm all right. Yeah.
Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.
You in bed with a stranger.
- [ Snickers ]
- Yeah.
[ Laughing ]
I know. I know.
[ Laughing Continues ]
[Joe]
Yeah. Oh, boy.
Oh, shit.
It's Upgrayedd.
[Joe]
Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
[ Narrator] Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.
But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...
leaving half the population
unemployed...
dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...
and screaming
forJoe's head.
An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...
with the C.E.O.
Of the Brawndo Corporation.
How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.
Not anymorel
The stock has dropped to zero...
and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
- We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
- Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but-
- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?
Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!
Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
[ Announcer]
Fox News.
He tried taking water
from toilets...
but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.
And as history
pulls down its pants...
and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...
it will be DaddyJustice
who will be crapping on him this time.
We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...
at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.
Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...
with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.
[ With Effeminate Voice]
Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe mel
[ Normal Voice]
That part of the trial sucked.
But then, the chief"J"
just went off.
He said, "Man, whatever.
The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that. "
And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.
Hey, rehabilitation?
One night?
Doesn't sound so bad.
Not so bad, huh?
Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Engine Revving ]
[ Formica ]
And who could forget that wonderful finish...
by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
[ Chuckling ]
And tomorrow night looks even more better.
Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.
Wow. Thank you, Formica.
So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?
- No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?
They chained me
to a big rock.
- [ Rita ] Oh.
- Yeah.
Look, Rita, get Frito.
Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.
No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.
Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?
Tell people to read books.
Tell people to stay in school,
you know.
Tell people to just
use their brains or something.
I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.
I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?
- So just go back and-
- [ Guard ] Visit's overl
And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?
Good luck, Joe.
[ Groans ]
[ Announcer]
Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?
Yeahl Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.
[ Rock ]
[ Announcer]
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem...
the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavezl
Thank you. Thank you.
- [ Man ] Heyl Come herel
- [ Singing Patriotic Song ]
- Come here!
- [ Continues ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Announcer] Right in the ballsl
- [ All Laughing ]
- That's just how that shit went on TV!
[ Announcer] This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
- After you've killed someone...
- [ Knocking ]
- your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.
So, my car's out front...
whenever you want me
to take you...
to the time machine.
Thanks, Frito.
- Yeah.
- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl
That's a real bummer
aboutJoe, huh?
- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl
- Yeah.
Ohl Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.
[ Announcer] Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
With a combined record
of 62 kills...
please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozerl
And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blasterl
I get a truck too, right?
Yeah.
Here it comes.
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Guards Chuckling ]
Get in.
You still got
the chain attached.
- [ Guard ] Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?
- We could break it.
- No. He could escape.
- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.
- [ Guard ] Who's smart now?
- [ Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal.
He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.
He cost millions of people
their jobs.
Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Surel
[ All Laughing ]
Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.
[ Announcer]
Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
Yes.
- I can't watch this.
- This is-
This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.
Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!
He was right.
The water- it worked.
Frito, can you
get me over there?
Yes.
No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.
- Uh, this way.
- Yeah!
Come on, Frito.
Hurry!
[ Announcer] And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...
- Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...
coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...
driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history-
bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...
bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history-
the brand-new Assdozerl
- Give it up for Beef Supremel
- [ Rock ]
Oh!
Oh!
[ Announcer]
Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
We seem to be
"experimenting"...
some "techmological"
differences...
so, uh, shit.
Frito, look!
- It's working everywhere!
- Huh.
[ Announcer]
Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-
- Man.
- Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.
- Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
Let the rehabilitation beginl
- [ Engine Stalls ]
- Oh, shit.
- Come on. Come on.
- [ Engine Cranking ]
[ Rita ]
Come on, Frito. Hurryl
- Oh!
- [ Engine Starts ]
Goddamn it.
- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.
Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.
You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.
We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.
I didn't see no crops.
[ Announcer]
They're circling around.
They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on himl
- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!
[ Announcer]
So, uh-So the winner is, uh-
- [ Announcer] You gotta be shittin'me.
- Did he win?
Uh-oh. Look.
[ Announcer]
Holy shitl It's Beef Supremel
[ Rock ]
[ Announcer]
Beef Supremel Yeahl Yeahl
Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...
- right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.
Hey, um, the, uh- the main
screen is malfunctioning...
and they gonna need you
outside immediately.
There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.
Come on, Frito.
Hurry.
Can't believe
you like money too.
- We should hang out.
- Totally.
[ Announcer]
He's behind the truckl
- Yes! Yes!
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!
[ Announcer]
Behind the truck, stupidl
Look!
Shit.
That's a good deal.
- [ Frito ] Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.
- Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.
- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.
- [ Frito ] You like money and sex?
You're trippin'me out.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?
- [ Crowd Booing ]
Can I just
say something here?
I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.
I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.
I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...
and I'm very sorry
that that happened.
But I'm tellin'you...
if you put water on the crops,
it might actually-
No, it will work.
I promise you!
You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.
So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.
But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.
Do you really want to live
in a world...
where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?
[ All Laughing ]
Hold on. Just hold on.
[ Indistinct ]
Oh, man.
That was great.
Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?
Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?
Wait.
This reminds me of something.
Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate-
- Rehabilation."
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?
- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!
- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.
Oh, yeah.
This guy just got
his ass a pardon!
[ All Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
Yeah!
[ Rock ]
Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.
Yeah, well...
you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...
- I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.
I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...
even though these people
tried to kill me...
- you know, I think I'm actually gonna
kinda miss 'em.
- Yeah.
Frito- he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.
I just, uh-
I hope he's okay to drive.
It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.
Thank you so much.
- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?
I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.
Maybe it's time
I got a new start.
Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
- I'm gonna be a C.E.O.
- At Starbucks?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
Yeah. Sure.
I guess this is
good-bye then.
[ Camacho ]
Hey, hey, hey, heyl
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Let me get that little
peanut head up here.
Yo. Yo.
[ Laughs ]
I have decided...
to make this man-
the man who solved
all our problems-
I have decided to make him...
my new vice president.
[ All Cheering ]
Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...
- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?
- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.
Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.
- How?
- Think about it, you know?
You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.
But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches"and the "comony"?
And what about the nuc-
"nucular"reactor in Florida?
It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.
- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.
- [ Minister of Defense] Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.
Hey, you can't leave.
Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?
I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?
- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!
[ All Cheering ]
That ride sucks anyways.
Ride?
[ Male Voice]
Welcome to the Time Masheen.
We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...
when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...
enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.
So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?
Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.
For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.
- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.
You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.
Uh, uh, uh-
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
Well,
I guess we're stuck here.
[ Male Voice] But then an even
greater force emerged- the "UN."
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
[ Narrator] And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...
Joe was elected
the president of America.
Frito became vice president...
and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.
Today I step into the shoes
of a great man...
a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...
Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.
[ Narrator] Under Rresident Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.
You know, there was a time
in this country...
when smart people
were considered cool.
Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...
like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.
[ Man ]
Yeah!
And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...
when reading wasn't
just for fags...
and neither was writing.
Reople wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...
so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.
And I believe that time
can come again!
[ All Cheering ]
[ All Chanting ]
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
[ Narrator]
Joe and Rita had three children...
the three smartest kids
in the world.
Vice Rresident Frito
took eight wives...
and had a total of 32 kids-
thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.
Okay, so maybeJoe
didn't save mankind...
but he got the ball rolling...
and that's pretty good
for an average guy.
I'm gonna go find this ho.
As the 21 st century began...
human evolution was
at a turning point.
Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...
the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...
a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...
now began to favor
different traits.
[ Reporter]
TheJoey Buttafuoco case-
Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...
and more intelligent.
But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.
A dumbing down.
How did this happen?
Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.
With no natural predators
to thin the herd...
it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...
and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.
Having kids is such
an important decision.
We're just waiting
for the right time.
It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.
No way.
Oh, shit,
I'm pregnant againl
Shit!
I got too many damn kids!
- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!
Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.
Brittany?
No, you didn't!
- There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.
Not with the market
the way it is, no.
God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.
Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!
Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.
- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!
Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
Well, we finally decided
to have children...
and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.
And this is helping.
I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to-
It's always me, right?
Well, it's not
my sperm count.
Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
That's my boy!
Whoo! Whoo!
Clevon is lucky
to be alive.
He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...
into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...
and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...
Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.
Get your hands
off my junk!
Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...
while masturbating...
to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.
But I have
some eggs frozen...
so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know-
[ Clevon Shouting ]
[ Narrator]
And so it went for generations...
although few, if any,
seemed to notice.
But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D. C... .
A simple army librarian
was unknowingly...
about to change the entire course
ofhuman history.
Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!
Hey, Bauers.
This is Peterson,
your new replacement.
- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?
- No.
- Some new assignment.
They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.
I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
No one ever comes in here.
Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.
I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?
No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.
Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?
Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."
It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.
That doesn't
embarrass me.
Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.
You're just gonna
have to follow.
Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.
Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?
I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.
[ Man ]
Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers...
our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.
Now, as you know,
throughout the years...
many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...
often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.
With the Human Hibernation Rroject,
we will be able to save our best men...
frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.
Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.
Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.
Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.
The most average person
in our entire armed forces.
Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried...
is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...
making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...
should something go wrong
with the experiment.
We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...
and were forced to look
into the private sector.
This is Rita. LikeJoe,
she has no immediate family.
Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...
in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...
a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-
With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.
Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...
with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.
First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?
Sure.
Let me just finish here.
You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.
Collins!
Fine. We'll move on.
It is a fascinating
world though.
Jesus, Collins.
Yeah, that's-
[ Clears Throat ]
Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...
are to be placed
into a dry freeze...
for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.
As you know,
this is highly classified.
However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.
So this is kinda crazy, huh?
- What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.
Oh, private sector.
Okay.
- So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.
Wow, that's great.
You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way-
doing a little of this
and a little of that.
I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.
Yeah.
So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?
- Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or-
- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?
I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.
Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.
[ Scoffs ]
Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
- [ Door Opens ]
- [ Collins ] Who wants to go first?
Me.
- [ Machinery Whirring ]
- What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I.V. S attached and all.
- What's the matter?
- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me
they'd be putting me...
in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.
Who's Upgrayedd?
He's my boyfriend.
Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?
These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.
They've tested it on dogs
and everything.
What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...
we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.
- It'll be fine.
- All right.
Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?
See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.
His name was Untgrad.
Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.
Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.
[ Equipment Beeping ]
See you in a year.
[ Narrator]
The Human Hibernation Rroject...
was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...
and one of its most secretive.
But it was not immune
from human error.
Freeze!
[ Groans ]
Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...
the base was closed.
It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.
Things looked bleak forJoe,
but they were even worse for mankind.
As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...
and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.
Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...
would correct this
trend in evolution.
But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...
were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.
[ Orangutan Chattering ]
Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...
until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.
Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505...
which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.
[ Backup Warning Beeping ]
- Hold on.
- [ Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel...
an all-new Owl My Ballsl
[ Screaming ]
- All right. [ Chuckling ]
- [ Beeping ]
- [ Snarling ]
- [ Screaming ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Groans ]
[ Man Watching TV]
That guy got hit in the balls.
Ow, my balls!
- [ Groans ]
- [ Man On TV Screaming ]
Huh?
[ Groaning ]
- [ TV. : Tires Squealing, Man Screaming ]
- [ Man Watching TVLaughs ]
- [Joe] Where's-
- Hold on. Shut up!
[ Man Laughing ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!
[ Man On TV] Next week on Ow! My Balls! ,
Hormel goes to Rarisl
- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
In your face, ass!
Shut up.
I'm sorry. It's just-
Where am I?
Shut up!
I told you already!
[ Flushes ]
Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!
Come in here
and not shut up.
Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin'up,"and I was like-
[ Narrator]
Unaware of what year it was...
Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.
But the English language
had deteriorated...
into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.
- Joe was able to understand them...
- [ Indistinct ]
But when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...
he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.
[ Man On R.A.]
Raging Doc-[ Slurring ]
Report to, uh-
Dr. Lueboo...
uh, report.
- Your floor-Your floor is now clean.
- [ Beeping ]
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.
I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.
I've been hallucinating.
My head is just killin'me.
My-My-My joints
are all achy and l-
Is this a hospital or-
- Actually, I don't even know where I am.
- [ Beeps ]
[ Electronic Voice] Rlease proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...
- and have a healthy dayl
- Oh. Thanks.
Thank youl
Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.
- I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?
- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?
You know, just to drink.
[ Laughing ]
[ Continues Laughing ]
- [ Electronic Tune]
- [ Electronic Voice] You've got hepatitisl
Oh, is someone not
feeling well?
Your illness
is very important to us.
- [ Man ] Next.
- [ Electronic Voice] Welcome
to the Healthmaster Inferno...
- powered byJormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.
This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.
Come on.
- Hurry up, assholel
- Come onl
- [ Beeping ]
- Shit. Hang on a second.
This one- No.
- Hey, come on.
- Uh-
- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.
Come on!
[ Electronic Voice] Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
That's a weird misprint.
Hey.
How's it hang, ese?
Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.
I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.
I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.
But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base-
Right. Kick ass.
Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin'...
but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.
You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.
What I'd do is just like,
like, you know...
like, you know what I mean? Like-
[ Chuckles ]
- No, I'm serious here.
- [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot.
Now there are plenty of'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.
My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.
I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.
There's that fag talk
we talked about.
All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.
And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.
That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.
- What are the odds of-
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
Why don't you have this?
Oh, God.
- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.
Why come you don't
have a tattoo?
- [Joe] Oh, my Godl
- You're not unscannable, are you?
Oh, my God!
- You're unscannable.
- [ Alarm Wailing ]
- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!
You gotta let me talk
to someone in the armyl Wait a second.
They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!
Oh, my God! Oh!
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]
- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!
- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?
- [ Alarm Continues ]
- Your floor is now clean.
Your floor is now clean.
[ Narrator]
Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.
A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.
And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.
[ All Laughing ]
And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.
[ Movie. : Farting ]
It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.
[ Electronic Voice ]
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.
Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?
I said I didn't get any.
[ Electronic Voice]
Thank you. Your account has been charged.
Your balance is zero.
- What? Oh, no. No!
- Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
- [ Beeping ]
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
- Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
[ Buzzes ]
This should
help you calm down.
Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. Believes
no child should go hungry.
You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating."
Welcome to Carl's Jr.
Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
now with more molecules?
Heyl Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?
- Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.
Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.
There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.
- Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
- [ Groaning ]
[ Narrator] Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...
and not having
his U.R.C. Tattoo.
He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...
but had become
rather retarded as well.
You shut up! Now-
[ Clears Throat ]
I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.
We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.
Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money...
we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...
one of them
court-appointed lawyers.
So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Rendejo.
You're my lawyer?
Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?
- Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.
- That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the-
Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?
I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.
Shut upl Shut upl Shut upl
Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?
Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.
[ All Laughing ]
- He talks like a fag too.
- [ Laughing Continues ]
And "B," we've got all this,
like, evidence...
of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.
And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.
- [ Crowd Grumbling ]
- I know!
And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."
But check this out, man.
Judge should be like, "Guilty."
Peace.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?
- Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.
- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?
I object...
that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.
- Yeah.
- What?
And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospitall
Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.
And I object.
I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
- [ All Booing ]
- That is not okay! And I rest my case!
Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.
- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.
- [ All Laughing ]
- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen."
- [ All Laughing ]
- I didn't steal anything.
I was part of an army
experiment-
[ Narrator]
Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
- Guilty!
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.
Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
Was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
[ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.
Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.
Upgrayedd.
There are 9,726 listings
for Upgrayedd.
Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.
- Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Hey, look, can you just-
can you wait a second, please?
Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.
Really?
Think, uh-You think maybe
you could wait a day?
Baby, I can wait two days.
Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.
Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.
Thank you very much,
young man.
What the fuck?
Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.
What are we doin' here?
Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.
[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.
Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.
- Thank you.
- [ Mechanical Whirring ]
Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card-
- Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if-
You have entered the name "Not Sure."
Is this correct, Not Sure?
- No, it's not correct.
- [ Dings ]
Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?
- No, it's not. My name is Joe-
- [ Beeping ]
You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.
- Rlease confirm your last name, "Sure."
- My-
- My last name is not Sure.
- [ Dings ]
- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
- Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?
- [ Buzzing ]
Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?
They're gonna tat-
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.
- [ Whirring ]
- [ Beeping ]
Oh, that's fuckin' great.
Okay, sir...
now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I.Q. And "apitude" tests.
What for?
Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...
and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.
[ Electronic Voice ]
If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
and another bucket
that holds five gallons...
how many buckets
do you have?
Two?
Thank you.
[ Man Singing ]
[ Continues ]
'Too.
[ Continues ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Ends ]
[ Narrator]
Desperate and scared...
Joe used his superior
intelligence...
to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.
Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.
Yeah.
You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.
I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.
Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.
[ Beeping ]
[ Warning Buzzer Buzzing ]
[ Door Closes ]
- 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.
[ Beeping ]
Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
Could you check again?
'Cause, I was, you know-
I was definitely in prison, okay?
I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?
- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Electronic Voice] "Excape." "Excape."
"Excape." "Excape."
"Excape." "Excape."
[ Man Singing ]
[ Ends ]
[ Man ]
The Masturbation Network.
Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.
- And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
- [ Squeaking On TV]
- Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.
- [ Squeaking Continues ]
- Oh, yeah, that's-
- [ Knocking ]
Go away! 'Batin'!
[ Knocking Continues ]
Damn it.
- [ Knocking ]
- All right.
Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!
No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.
Hey, I could have you disbarred-
disbarred- for what you did to me.
Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.
Oh, really?
Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.
I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.
Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.
You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?
- With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.
- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.
A time machine,
for time travel.
- Do they have one?
- What?
[ Tires Squealing,
Car Crashing In Distance]
Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.
No, no, they got
a time machine.
- They do?
- Yeah.
- Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.
I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?
- Well-
- Please!
Listen, l- l-
I "supersize" with you...
but didn't you go to jail
for not havin'enough money?
Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...
I open a savings account
in your name.
That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.
- Billionsl
- 'Cause?
'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.
- Oh, l- I like money.
- Yeah.
- How many billions?
- Like, 10.
Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.
Yeah? Okay.
Uh, 30, Frito.
Thirty billion dollars.
Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion...
and the time machine's 20-
What's the minus
of 30 and 20?
Uh, it's, uh-
it's 80, Frito.
It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
- Yeah. I like money though.
- [ Man ] Rolicel Open the doorl
- [ Banging On Door]
- We're looking for an "excaped"individual.
- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.
Oh, um, he-
He's... somewhere else.
- You got something I can wear?
- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,
assorted in the middle.
[ Roliceman ]
A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile."
- [ Banging ]
- Okay, sir, we're comin'in.
- No, you can't come in.
- Can tool
- Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.
[ Banging Continues ]
Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?
- Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.
That wasn't really
part of the deal.
- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another
couple billion, all right?
- I like money.
Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?
'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.
Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't you
come back tomorrow?
- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?
When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.
That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.
- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.
- Thank you!
- Rita!
Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.
Oh, yeah!
What the hell, man?
Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.
- Where we going?
- Just get in the car.
- Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?
- [ Siren Blaring ]
- Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
- Yeah.
- And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes, asshole!
Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!
Into that dust storm,
Frito.
[Joe]
They must have just forgotten about us.
[ Rita ]
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, nol
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!
So, you owe
your boyfriend money?
Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.
You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.
Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
- Yeah, man, but you said there
was a time machine, right?
- Yeah.
Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...
but there was no
time machine back then, so-
Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week-
He will find a way
to come get his money!
- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-
- You know what?
Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...
when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.
- Look, Rita, I don't know
how this happened, okay?
- [ Buzzing ]
But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
[ Electronic Voice] You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.
- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.
If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.
They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.
- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.
Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?
[ Machine-gun Fire]
Oh, shit.
[ Explosion ]
Oh! Oh, shit!
- [ Cheering ]
- Yeah!
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.
[ Frito ]
Oh, hell, yeahl He's on firel
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
[ Rita ]
Hey, how much farther is it?
Uh, it's, like, far.
Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.
[ Singing ]
Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?
I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.
- [ Continues ]
- How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.
[Joe]
He's a goddamned idiot.
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.
So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?
Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?
Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco.
I love you.
- [ Goats Bleating ]
- [ Duck Quacking ]
Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.
[ Rita ] We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?
Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.
In Costco?
Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.
Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you...
we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.
[ Woman ]
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
Wanna go out, honey?
Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.
- Do I got time to use the bathroom?
- [ Laughing ]
[ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ]
- [ Frito ] Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.
Yeah,
back that thing up.
- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?
- I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.
Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.
Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you-
- That's real good.
- Then you- Oh, yeahl
Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?
- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Electronic Voice] Warningl Warningl
Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.
Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.
I don't care.
Come on!
- [ Sirens Wailing ]
- Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.
We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...
I tell her not
to do the experiment.
- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh-
- No, wait.
- [ Electronic Voice]
Rlease stand clear of the doors.
She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?
- Uh-
- No, wait, hold on. It just
means I haven't done it yet.
Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.
Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.
- Then I won't have to
come back and save her, right?
- L-
- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh-
Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?
- Rlease stand clear.
- [ Policeman ] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
- Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!
Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...
just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way-
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
- [ Roliceman ] What?
- [ Spraying ]
- [Joe] Owl Godl Hey, stopl
- Damn it.
- [Joe] What is this?
- [ Roliceman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House.
- What are we doing at the White House?
- What?
- [ Spraying ]
- Owl Owl Goddamnl
[ Narrator] It turned out the results
ofJoe's I.Q. Test...
had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?
The I.Q. Test you
took in prison.
You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than Rresident Camacho.
That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.
Okay, so who are you?
I'm the secretary of energy.
He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.
I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
[ All Chuckling ]
- He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.
And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.
[ Whispers ]
Hi.
And that's
the secretary of education.
He's kinda stupid, but he's
Rresident Camacho's stepbrother.
Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?
You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...
'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.
I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?
Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.
- I don't even know what it is.
- [ Secretary of State] You better find out.
- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...
I gotta take care of some "bidness,"baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.
[ Narrator] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
porn superstar, and president
of the United States...
had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.
- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.
- I thought your head would be bigger.
- [ Muttering ]
Goddamn.
- It look like a peanut.
- [ All Laughing ]
Let's get you sworn in.
[ Rock Instrumental ]
[ Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Americal
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Announcer]
Rresident Camachol
[ Laughing ]
Shut up.
- Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
- [ Ends ]
Chill out.
Shit.
I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin'bullshit.
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
[ Man ]
Yeah!
- But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!
I got a solution.
You're a dickl
- South Carolina, "whassup?"
- [ All Cheering ]
That's what I thought!
Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...
but listen up.
I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.
[ Man ]
Break it down, Camachol
Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.
- Number two, he's got a higher
I.Q. Than any man alive.
- [ Cheering ]
- And number three, he's gonna fix everything.
- [ Applause]
I give you my word
as president.
He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.
He's gonna
make 'em grow again.
- Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.
[ Electric Guitar]
He's gonna fix
the dust storms too.
I give you my word.
He's gonna
fix the "ecomony."
[ Electric Guitar Continues ]
And he's so smart...
- he's gonna do it all in one week.
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Narrator] Rresident Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...
thatJoe would solve
all their problems.
He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...
but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.
And ifhe didn't...
Rresident Camacho
made another promise.
He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof ofhis smart mouth.
- And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.
- [ Shouting ]
I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.
I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.
I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.
I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.
Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?
Besides,
you do a kick-ass job...
you get a full
presidential pardon.
- No jail time. [ Laughing ]
- Yeah?
Fuck, yeah!
Now gimme a beer.
And get you one too.
[ Laughing ]
Shit!
[ Laughing ]
Hold on, vatol
- Whool
- [ Engine Revving ]
[ Laughing ]
- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Uh-
- I'll, uh-
- [ Door Opens ]
- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.
You understand?
So I'll be right back.
Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.
- Hopefully get it worked out
by the time we get back here.
- Sounds pretty smart.
Wait here, okay?
Wait there.
Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.
Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.
I don't know the first thing
about growin'crops...
much less
the goddamn "ecomony."
Econ-Economy.
Let's see.
Growin' crops-
No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.
Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.
It's, like-
It's, like, by the museum...
sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.
More like- But on the street. You go, um-
Wait. Let me start over.
Okay, you know
where the time machine is?
Hey. Just draw me
a map, okay?
You still want the money?
Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...
- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!
Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?
- So act smart!
- Smart like you?
[ With Effeminate Voice] "Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home. "
- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."
Shit, I thought
there was two of you.
[ Laughs ]
See?
[ Secretary of Defense]
Doesn't look that big, is it?
Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.
Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.
All right?
Hey, come on!
Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?
Whoa.
Did you just make that up?
Yes, I did.
Now look...
I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...
- and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?
Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.
[ All Laughing ]
Utilize her!
Utilize her!
[ Secretary of State]
Utilizel
- [ Laughing ]
- Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
Oh, yeah.
Butt first!
[ All Laughing ]
- [ Secretary of Defense] Utilize herl
- Okay.
Dang! May I approach
your benches?
Uh, yeah.
This sucks pretty bad.
Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?
Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.
See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?
- Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.
- It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.
Stand up with me.
Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.
Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.
No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.
Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...
on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.
Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?
What the fuck
are you all starin' at?
- Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.
- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?
Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?
You know,
in the bushes?
Oh, man.
[ All Laughing ]
- Fuck her, Joe!
- Hey, you want us to come along,
make sure she puts out?
No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.
I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.
Okay.
Get ready to run.
- What?
- Oh, goddamn it.
Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.
We'll ask for directions
on the way.
No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.
All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.
Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
could somehow magically
travel through time...
we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?
So don't worry.
You're safe.
And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...
you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?
And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
Heyl
She's not puttin'out?
Uh, no, she is.
We, uh-We already did it.
Yeah. He was great.
Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...
if we'd go family-style
on her.
Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.
We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
What the hell is this?
- Tastes like Gatorade.
- [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff? .
[Joe] They're watering crops
with a sports drink?
[ Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...
virtually everywhere.
Water, the basic component
of all life...
had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.
The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...
when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F.D. A... .
And the F.C. C... .
Enabling them to say,
do and sell...
anything they wanted.
Joe didn't know
any of this...
but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.
- [ Indistinct ]
- With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.
He would not
get out of the way.
This time, he would lead.
For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...
what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.
So wait a minute.
What you're saying...
is that you want us
to put water on the crops.
- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.
Okay, look.
The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.
Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.
Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?
- [ Chuckling ]
- You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.
So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?
Brawndo's got
what plants crave.
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?
It's what they use
to make Brawndo.
Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?
'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.
[ Narrator] After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...
and that they wanted water.
He made believers
out of everyone.
Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...
were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...
killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.
As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.
He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.
- Or so it seemed.
- [ All Shouting ]
Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.
Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.
Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?
I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?
You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.
- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.
You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
Yeah.
Hadn't thought of that.
- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.
Hey, Joe, listen.
Those cops-
- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.
They said that
you got me a pardon.
You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...
I guess I owe you one.
You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.
Oh. No. I'm-
I'm all right. Yeah.
Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.
You in bed with a stranger.
- [ Snickers ]
- Yeah.
[ Laughing ]
I know. I know.
[ Laughing Continues ]
[Joe]
Yeah. Oh, boy.
Oh, shit.
It's Upgrayedd.
[Joe]
Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
[ Narrator] Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.
But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...
leaving half the population
unemployed...
dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...
and screaming
forJoe's head.
An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...
with the C.E.O.
Of the Brawndo Corporation.
How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.
Not anymorel
The stock has dropped to zero...
and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
- We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
- Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but-
- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?
Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!
Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
[ Announcer]
Fox News.
He tried taking water
from toilets...
but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.
And as history
pulls down its pants...
and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...
it will be DaddyJustice
who will be crapping on him this time.
We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...
at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.
Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...
with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.
[ With Effeminate Voice]
Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe mel
[ Normal Voice]
That part of the trial sucked.
But then, the chief"J"
just went off.
He said, "Man, whatever.
The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that. "
And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.
Hey, rehabilitation?
One night?
Doesn't sound so bad.
Not so bad, huh?
Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Engine Revving ]
[ Formica ]
And who could forget that wonderful finish...
by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
[ Chuckling ]
And tomorrow night looks even more better.
Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.
Wow. Thank you, Formica.
So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?
- No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?
They chained me
to a big rock.
- [ Rita ] Oh.
- Yeah.
Look, Rita, get Frito.
Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.
No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.
Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?
Tell people to read books.
Tell people to stay in school,
you know.
Tell people to just
use their brains or something.
I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.
I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?
- So just go back and-
- [ Guard ] Visit's overl
And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?
Good luck, Joe.
[ Groans ]
[ Announcer]
Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?
Yeahl Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.
[ Rock ]
[ Announcer]
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem...
the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavezl
Thank you. Thank you.
- [ Man ] Heyl Come herel
- [ Singing Patriotic Song ]
- Come here!
- [ Continues ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Announcer] Right in the ballsl
- [ All Laughing ]
- That's just how that shit went on TV!
[ Announcer] This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
- After you've killed someone...
- [ Knocking ]
- your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.
So, my car's out front...
whenever you want me
to take you...
to the time machine.
Thanks, Frito.
- Yeah.
- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl
That's a real bummer
aboutJoe, huh?
- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl
- Yeah.
Ohl Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.
[ Announcer] Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
With a combined record
of 62 kills...
please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozerl
And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blasterl
I get a truck too, right?
Yeah.
Here it comes.
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Guards Chuckling ]
Get in.
You still got
the chain attached.
- [ Guard ] Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?
- We could break it.
- No. He could escape.
- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.
- [ Guard ] Who's smart now?
- [ Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal.
He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.
He cost millions of people
their jobs.
Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Surel
[ All Laughing ]
Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.
[ Announcer]
Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
Yes.
- I can't watch this.
- This is-
This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.
Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!
He was right.
The water- it worked.
Frito, can you
get me over there?
Yes.
No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.
- Uh, this way.
- Yeah!
Come on, Frito.
Hurry!
[ Announcer] And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...
- Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...
coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...
driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history-
bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...
bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history-
the brand-new Assdozerl
- Give it up for Beef Supremel
- [ Rock ]
Oh!
Oh!
[ Announcer]
Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
We seem to be
"experimenting"...
some "techmological"
differences...
so, uh, shit.
Frito, look!
- It's working everywhere!
- Huh.
[ Announcer]
Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-
- Man.
- Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.
- Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
Let the rehabilitation beginl
- [ Engine Stalls ]
- Oh, shit.
- Come on. Come on.
- [ Engine Cranking ]
[ Rita ]
Come on, Frito. Hurryl
- Oh!
- [ Engine Starts ]
Goddamn it.
- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.
Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.
You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.
We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.
I didn't see no crops.
[ Announcer]
They're circling around.
They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on himl
- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!
[ Announcer]
So, uh-So the winner is, uh-
- [ Announcer] You gotta be shittin'me.
- Did he win?
Uh-oh. Look.
[ Announcer]
Holy shitl It's Beef Supremel
[ Rock ]
[ Announcer]
Beef Supremel Yeahl Yeahl
Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...
- right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.
Hey, um, the, uh- the main
screen is malfunctioning...
and they gonna need you
outside immediately.
There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.
Come on, Frito.
Hurry.
Can't believe
you like money too.
- We should hang out.
- Totally.
[ Announcer]
He's behind the truckl
- Yes! Yes!
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!
[ Announcer]
Behind the truck, stupidl
Look!
Shit.
That's a good deal.
- [ Frito ] Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.
- Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.
- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.
- [ Frito ] You like money and sex?
You're trippin'me out.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?
- [ Crowd Booing ]
Can I just
say something here?
I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.
I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.
I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...
and I'm very sorry
that that happened.
But I'm tellin'you...
if you put water on the crops,
it might actually-
No, it will work.
I promise you!
You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.
So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.
But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.
Do you really want to live
in a world...
where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?
[ All Laughing ]
Hold on. Just hold on.
[ Indistinct ]
Oh, man.
That was great.
Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?
Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?
Wait.
This reminds me of something.
Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate-
- Rehabilation."
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?
- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!
- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.
Oh, yeah.
This guy just got
his ass a pardon!
[ All Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
Yeah!
[ Rock ]
Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.
Yeah, well...
you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...
- I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.
I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...
even though these people
tried to kill me...
- you know, I think I'm actually gonna
kinda miss 'em.
- Yeah.
Frito- he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.
I just, uh-
I hope he's okay to drive.
It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.
Thank you so much.
- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?
I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.
Maybe it's time
I got a new start.
Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
- I'm gonna be a C.E.O.
- At Starbucks?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
Yeah. Sure.
I guess this is
good-bye then.
[ Camacho ]
Hey, hey, hey, heyl
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Let me get that little
peanut head up here.
Yo. Yo.
[ Laughs ]
I have decided...
to make this man-
the man who solved
all our problems-
I have decided to make him...
my new vice president.
[ All Cheering ]
Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...
- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?
- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.
Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.
- How?
- Think about it, you know?
You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.
But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches"and the "comony"?
And what about the nuc-
"nucular"reactor in Florida?
It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.
- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.
- [ Minister of Defense] Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.
Hey, you can't leave.
Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?
I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?
- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!
[ All Cheering ]
That ride sucks anyways.
Ride?
[ Male Voice]
Welcome to the Time Masheen.
We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...
when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...
enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.
So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?
Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.
For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.
- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.
You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.
Uh, uh, uh-
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
Well,
I guess we're stuck here.
[ Male Voice] But then an even
greater force emerged- the "UN."
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
[ Narrator] And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...
Joe was elected
the president of America.
Frito became vice president...
and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.
Today I step into the shoes
of a great man...
a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...
Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.
[ Narrator] Under Rresident Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.
You know, there was a time
in this country...
when smart people
were considered cool.
Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...
like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.
[ Man ]
Yeah!
And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...
when reading wasn't
just for fags...
and neither was writing.
Reople wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...
so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.
And I believe that time
can come again!
[ All Cheering ]
[ All Chanting ]
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
[ Narrator]
Joe and Rita had three children...
the three smartest kids
in the world.
Vice Rresident Frito
took eight wives...
and had a total of 32 kids-
thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.
Okay, so maybeJoe
didn't save mankind...
but he got the ball rolling...
and that's pretty good
for an average guy.
I'm gonna go find this ho.