Jamie's Christmas Lock-In (2010) Movie Script

It's Christmas.
It's time to party!
I am throwing the
ultimate Christmas party.
And, guys, it's a lock-in!
We got turkey farmers.
Turkey farmers.
We got the old-age pensioners.
This is the cool corner.
Jonathan Ross.
Get off. Get away from here.
Come on, a lock-in
wouldn't be a lock-in
without the Essex corner.
Come on, guys.
Nanny's back.
Thank you very much, darling.
Of course, the beautiful
Charlotte Church.
You're going to be singing
two songs for us tonight.
You're going to be singing two
songs for us tonight. I am, yes.
I'm so looking forward to it.
A bit of class.
Now, Christmas would not be Christmas,
without a nice Christmas fairy
and we have our very own one tonight.
Mr Louie Spence, everybody.
Oh, Jamie!
Right, come with me.
No, let me show you.
We're going to be cooking a lit bit of meat.
Come out here.
Oh, I'm going for a basting!
On the menu tonight, I've got a
feast of festive treats for you.
I'm going to show you three amazing
new ways to cook your turkey.
I nip round to Jonathan Ross's house,
to cook up a Christmas treat
with an international flavour.
Louie Spence takes on my
Boxing Day burger challenge.
I do a lovely mince.
I do a lovely mince.
Do you do a nice mince?
And Charlotte Church gets her
laughing gear round my pink popsicle.
Plus, find out what the great
British public really think of me.
How would you like to see Jamie
Oliver die, if he had to die?
Boiled in a pot.
Right, it's Christmas, it's the one
time of year when everyone cooks,
even the non-cooks.
And when they cook, what do they cook?
They cook a turkey. Look at it.
This is technically the hardest meat
to cook out of all of them and my
buddy Adam is going to show us
three new ways from all over the world
that are going to blow your mind.
Check this out.
Adam, what are we doing over here?
A beautiful spit roast.
This is one of the most
traditional ways of cooking meat.
You probably don't know it, but
the word barbeque comes from a
French-Arabic word barbe et ton cul,
which means from your beard, barbe,
to your arsehole, your cul.
That's actually where
the word came from.
So what's the good thing about
cooking turkey in this way?
All sides are going to be crispy,
golden brown, delicious.
Everybody gets a great piece.
Also, evenly cooked as well.
OK. So there you go,
spit roast turkey, guys.
The second one we're going to do
is we're going to cook turkey
in a rock salt cave.
What you do is you go
to the supermarket,
you get the big rock salt bags.
You crack an egg in it.
I've got some lemon zest in it,
fennel seeds, and then you get a
big old roasting tray and you make a sandcastle.
That's all you want.
You get a sandcastle and then
you basically create a cave.
I know, I know, I know.
You're going to think I'm
mad, but bare with me.
Make your decision at
the end of the show.
What we're going to do is basically trap
the flavour of the turkey in the cave.
I'm going to cook this for
the same amount of time
as my regular turkey. This is an experiment.
What do you reckon?
I think it's going to work.
Right, last but not least,
guys, check this out.
We're going to be cooking
deep-fried turkey.
Tell us a little bit about the
American deep-fried turkey.
Is it unhealthy? Is it greasy?
Actually, it's not, because
when you think about it,
what would absorb the grease
would be the breading
and this doesn't have breading.
So batter and breading
is what absorbs the fat?
How long does that take to cook?
Just under an hour for
a bird this size.
So, guys, how long do you cook your turkeys for?
Four, five hours? One hour!
Basically the score is this.
We're going to do these
three ways of cooking.
We're going to have our celebrities
choose the best one that they love
and then the best one that wins is
going to be fed to the whole pub.
Brother, I'll see you later.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you, brother. Take care.
OK, talking about lovely
juicy birds, I have got
a nice bird at the bar.
She is beautiful, she is classy and
she has got a lovely pair of lungs.
It is the lovely Charlotte Church.
OK, lovely people.
Charlotte, hello, darling?
How you doing?
We're going to make some cocktails.
I've dedicated a cocktail to you.
It is called the Charlotta.
Tell me that you want a Charlotta.
Do you want one?
Let me tell you about this
beautiful thing that's going on.
We have a little bit of sugar.
Then we put angostura bitters on
like that, just a little bit.
Then we put that in a little
champagne glass, like this.
Then we have a little bit of whisky.
You could use brandy.
Just a swig, cos it's classy.
Then I go for a little bit of orange.
To that we want to extract the oil.
Then we have a little
bit of champagne,
because you are a classy bird.
Debatable, definitely.
I don't know if you guys knew this, but
Charlotte actually grew up in a pub like I did.
Kind of, but it was when
I was of drinking age
that my parents had a pub.
Oh, that sounds dangerous.
No, not at all. It was probably...
..preferable, really.
How old were you when
you moved into the pub?
Well, like, 18.
Did all your mates go, "Brilliant.
So tonight, is like a
real thing for you.
So tonight, is like a real thing for you.
Yeah, a proper lock-in.
Proper like the old days.
Proper like the old days. Have a look at this cocktail.
Can you see the fizz that's going on?
Have a little taste of it.
Now, guys, let's all be honest.
Christmas, a beautiful time
of year, family, friends,
all that sort of stuff.
Must of us, if we're honest,
when we go home, one of us gets sat
next to someone a bit boring, yeah?
If you make a Charlotta, it
makes people interesting.
It does, so try that at home.
It's a beautiful thing.
It's really nice.
By the way, if I was to
show you these things here,
what does it say to you?
It says a cheeky Vimto.
Have you ever had a cheeky Vimto?
It's not just a Welsh thing?
No, no.
I've actually frozen it and
made you a proper alcopop.
Amazing, a cheeky Vimto ice lolly.
That is going down. This is not...
I can't really do this on television.
Get it down you!
That was lovely.
Maybe we should swap.
I'd like to see you do that, actually.
Let's swap. You go.
Go for it, honey bunch.
It's good, though.
My God.
Have you ever actually had a cheeky Vimto?
Cheeky Vimtos are like...
You make it for me now, cos
I haven't got any clue what
you're talking about.
I come from Essex, we do lager.
I need a bigger glass.
What, a pint glass?
What, a pint glass?
Bring me a pint glass.
Here you are.
So how do you do it?
Give me rough quantities so the
British public can make this at home.
Basically, it's supposed
to be a single measure.
First, roughly a single shot of...
What is it, port?
No, that definitely a double.
That's a pint glass.
What is that stuff?
It looks like it's from a power station.
This is just a WKD Blue.
It seems like a really horrible drink.
But it's really easy to drink.
It's super sugary,
so I suppose it depends
upon your taste buds,
but I'm rather partial to it.
Is that alcoholic?
Is that alcoholic?
Of course!
Give it a go.
Give it a go. Do you drink it
out of a pint glass in Wales?
Yeah, traditionally.
It just tastes like
Tizer when I was a kid.
Yeah, it just tastes like pop.
But that's dangerous.
Do you not find yourself drinking
it and getting out of control and
waking up in someone else's house?
No, darling, never.
Oh, that is dangerous.
Well, listen, cheeky Vimto, everyone!
The good news is, everybody,
is that me and Charlotte are going
to make you all a Charlotta.
Off you go, sweetheart.
There you go.
Oh, Christ.
Let's have some music.
"All I Want For Christmas
Is You" by Mariah Carey.
Start with a champagne cocktail
for all of you lovely people.
Charlotte, we have a lovely,
classy, champagne fountain.
Happy Christmas, everybody!
The lock-in has started.
Whilst the pub soaks up this lot,
here's a bite-size
treat for you at home.
OK. So as it's Christmas, I want to
give you some winning combinations
that give you a big bang for your
buck and make all your guests happy.
So, combo number one, smoked salmon,
horseradish, old-school cress,
lemon and hot toast.
A winner every single time.
So, get some creme fraiche or yoghurt.
Add a little bit of horseradish
in there and get it nice and hot.
Season with a little bit of salt
and pepper and a little
squeeze of lemon juice.
Get some ciabatta sliced.
Whack it in a toaster or on a griddle pan
and drizzle with a little
extra virgin olive oil.
Then get yourself some beautiful
smoked salmon and lay it in sort of
like waves on the bottom like that.
Horseradish creme fraiche.
Some old-school retro cress.
Just a tiny little bit of
extra virgin olive oil.
A little bit of lemon juice on top.
So there you go, guys, an absolutely
gorgeous Christmas crostini.
A winner every single time.
You're going to love it.
Welcome back to my Christmas lock-in.
Time for my ultimate Boxing Day hangover cure.
Proper burgers.
Louis, leave Rudolph alone, brother.
Come down here.
Louis, have you ever worked
in a commercial kitchen?
No, but I'd like it!
This is serious business.
Come and meet a friend of
mine, Gennaro Contaldo.
Oh, hello, Gennaro. Hello, darling.
My first boss. Meet the chef.
Oh, my Lord. All right. Three kisses.
OK, guys, listen.
I love you more than
anyone in the world,
but this is the moment to focus.
but this is the moment to focus.
OK, great.
Gennaro, you're the chef,
you're the dancer.
We can make a beautiful thing.
Now, who likes burgers?
They don't have to be junk food but
I've got the ultimate burger recipe.
Let me walk you through it.
Over here, we have got beautiful
minced beef.
If you want to make beautiful burgers,
go to your butcher, get them
to mince it in front of you.
You want chuck steak.
Just move it around, flatten it out.
Then we'll hit it
with salt and pepper.
There's nothing in that
burger, there's no herbs.
I do a lovely mince.
You do a nice mince?
Listen. I'm going to put that on.
Now, boys, all get your heads in here.
Here's the thing, lovely people.
A burger just ain't a burger.
It's a sequence of very
finely-tuned events
that make one of the most beautiful
things in the world.Oh, lovely.
At this point in the game,
we are going to get in,
and we're going to flip it like that.
Now, what we will do, we
will get some bacon on.
The ultimate burger should have
a couple of rashers of bacon.
Nice bit of pork on that, eh?
What we are going to do now
is put our little buns
on the side here.
And then we've got some onions.
Have a look in their.
That is basically caramelised onions.
Just put them in a pan
for half-an-hour, cook them down
low and slow, a bit of salt...
Low and slow! I like that.
Low and slow.
I like it, low and
slow with your onions.
Put the onions on the side.
I want to get you involved.
Put the onions on the side.
I want to get you involved. OK.
Do I need to put that on there?
That is beautiful.
At this point, we've turned this twice.
Then you get your thyme brush.
Dip it in there.
Is that mustard?
Is that mustard? This is American mustard.
Smear it on my meat.
Stop it, I like it.
No, seriously.
No, seriously.
Oh, I'm liking this.
This is the key to one of the
best burgers in the world.
If you don't believe me, try it.
What's going to happen is the
mustard will go golden and crisp.
It will have the most
incredible flavour.
We're using a thyme brush but you
can use any other brush you want.
All of a sudden, this cooking
is getting very sensual.
That's how cooking should be, though!
With love. With amour.
Do you guys talk Italian...?
Si, si...
Let's recap. We've got buns
getting crispy, looking gorgeous.
We take those off.
We've got this burger getting crisp.
Look at that mustard
getting crisp in there.
Then we start to build
the burger, Gennaro.
So we're going to put
these beautiful onions.
Caramelised onions.
What did you have to do to
get the caramelised onions?
You have to slowly cook them.
Low and slow.
You had to go low...
..and slow.
OK. We've got the smoked
bacon going on here now.
Oh, that looks like a cross.
Then we're going to go
with a bit of cheddar,
We're going to put that on here.
And here's a little trick, guys.
We get a bowl or a dish.
We put some water on here,
and then we cloche it.
What that's going to do is make everything melt
and go gorgeous. Gennaro, can you
cook me a portion of chips, brother?
Ah, fantastic.
I'm going to do it straight away.
You are so fluent in Italian.
I lived there and as a gay
man, if you don't speak
a Latino language,
you'd be on your own.
Gennaro is cooking chips.
The cloche comes off.
Can you see the cheese melting?
That is adorable.
Then we go with the bun on top, right.
And we cloche again.
And then the bun goes
really beautifully shiny.
Let's build it up.
We've got a little board.
Right, hold that, Louie Spence.
We're going to put a little
bit of mayonnaise on.
The toasted bottom of the bun,
we'll go for the mayonnaise.
Then the cloche comes off.
Look how shiny and gorgeous that is.
So, fry it once, fry it twice.
Put the mustard on.
One time, two times.
The bacon goes on top with the onions.
Then the cheese.
Then we build it.
Look at that burger,
everyone, come on!
Not only that.
Good burgers always come with pickles.
So we have got some pickles here.
The perfect burger here, guys.
Lovely pickles, a portion of
chips, right, and Channel 4
are a little concerned
it wasn't quite festive enough, so
come forth and let me show you.
Oh, that's it, darling.
A few hollies and a berry or two.
Very, very festive.
And I'd love a little bit of that.
OK, now...
Every single one of you in
the pub is going to get one.
Cooked by these two.
Are you ready?
It's like choreography.
I've choreographed it already.
I've choreographed it, it's done.
It's a sequence of events to
make something beautiful.
Can I go over it again?
Burger on, push it down,
push it down, push it down.
Turn it over. Put my mustard
on it with my thing. Baste it.
I've already got my onions on because
they're already done previously.
I put my bacon on before that.
I put my cheese on.
Then I put the bacon on top of that.
Then I put the cloche on.
Once it's nice and melted,
it makes my bun nice and shiny on top.
Take my cloche off, build it.
Chips, and go!
Yes! We got it!
Yes! We got it!
Right, we're on it.
I left the mayonnaise out.
Wow! What a lovely bunch
of people you've got.
And a lovely atmosphere.
We've Gennaro and Louie
Spence cooking their burgers.
Guys, Jonathan Ross, we've
got him in the house.
Thank you. How lovely.
Thank you. How lovely. He's in my Lock-In.
I'm normally on your show.
You're normally on my show.
I'm glad to be here
because at the moment
I don't have a show.
Thanks for reminding me of
that at Christmas, Jamie(!)
We've actually got Jonathan's
mum in the audience tonight.
Hello, darling.
I'm pleased you came because you can
tell a lot about a boy from his mum.
I tell you what, you had a big family.
It wasn't easy times back in the day.
No, no, no.
Occasionally, you'd run out of
food, wouldn't you, and borrow,
or should I say steal,
stuff from the neighbours.
One year, I remember, and
I'm not making this up,
the oven broke on Christmas Day.
The oven broke.
We needed to cook the turkey.
But no one had space for a
big turkey for eight people.
So Mum chopped it up into little
pieces, and we all went out
to different neighbours saying,
"Can I put my turkey in your oven?"
I love that, that is so clever!
It was cooked in all
the different ovens.
You had bits of turkey going to eight
different homes. It came back.
It sounds like a KFC bucket!
She had to come and get us cos
all the houses were nicer,
we didn't want to
come home afterwards.
We were opening other kids' presents.
When he was little,
did he have any favourite presents?
What did you used to do?
He always wanted a monkey,
a real monkey, which obviously
was difficult to get.
Like Michael Jackson!
Yes, exactly.
Not just like Michael Jackson.
Difficult to get in Leytonstone.
I still haven't got one.
Not a real monkey.
But I did get him this toy, and it was
a chimpanzee, and it had a plastic
head, little plastic hands and feet.
And what did you do to him?
I don't know what happened to
the bloody monkey, I'm 50!
I don't remember what happened
to that monkey 45 years ago.
Is this CSI?!
I don't know where the monkey is!
You came from a family of six.
You've got three children.
Yes. Have you thought
about having more?
I'm not going to have any more.
I'm too old.
No disrespect to old fathers
but I've got three.
I don't want be greedy.
We've got puppies, they're like a substitute.
When I was in your house,
I met your little dog
that was dressed up as a ninja.
Yes, Mr Pickle. But I've got a
new one now, Professor Snowball.
How many dogs have you got?
Seven dogs?
Seven dogs.
How do control all those bum holes?
How do control all those bum holes?
You don't, you just let it go.
I caught one on my bed, he's a puppy.
He started going.
I went, "Not on the mattress!"
I thought, why?
I had it in my hand.
It was like a little raw
portion of foie gras.
Another part of the Jonathan Ross
family, your wife is, obviously,
so incredibly talented.
She is very, yes.
I enjoyed Kick-Ass.
She's got two coming up.
The Woman In Black with Daniel Radcliffe.
She's written the new X Men movie.
She's busy.
Super busy.
Super busy.
Do you see her?
Loads because she works at home.
I go down and try and put her
off while she's writing.
For some reason, I don't know why,
a friend of mine bought
me for my 50th birthday,
they bought me a white top hat, right.
I don't know if they thought
I was going to entertain
hen parties in Essex.
But I went down, my wife was there working.
I went down there,
and before I got into the room,
I took all my clothes off.
Put the white top hat on and
walked in, and I didn't know
there was a guy working with her,
he was in the toilet at the time!
She shooed me out very quickly!
The plumber didn't even
get to see the show!
It wasn't a plumber, it was a
world famous movie director.
I mean, I just found out today
that you've just done
a show for Channel 4.
It's coming out just before Christmas.
It's your favourite toys,
the 100 favourite toys.
Where do we start?
I think they go way back.
It's what people now like the most.
Roller skates are in the list still.
And you kind of expect roller skates
but they started around 1760.
Yeah, So, apart from Gennaro,
no-one here remembers them
when they first came out.
He had the first pair.
As it's Christmas, I've
bought you a present.
I don't know what it's going to be.
I want you to open this present.
Mum, you're going to love this.
Oh, my good Lord.
It's a genuine...
I think that might be it.
Look at that.
I didn't realise what an ugly
(BLEEP) it was back then.
Why did you give me this?
I must have had nightmares for years.
Imagine cuddling up to that.
I did pay for that.
That's a lovely gift.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
It's lovely.
What a wonderful guest,
we are lucky to have him,
Jonathan Ross, everyone!
You're very kind, I hope you know that.
You'll love this.
Lovely people, at this time of year -
it's nearly Christmas - you
know what celebrities are like.
They'll put their name on anything.
Just have a look at this.
In here, I've got a
little present here.
We've got some celebrities
who have put their name
to a few little endorsements.
Barry Norman, remember him?
Of course! The great Barry Norman.
He's made pickled onions.
And that's a home-made family recipe.
I've heard, though...
Who likes JLS?
I've heard these are good.
JLS have done condoms.
They've done condoms.
That's good because if you
want to prevent pregnancies,
seeing one of those on the end of
your knob will put people off!
Antony Worrall Thompson.
He's got stain remover.
There's some products but
I thought I'd have a go.
Mine's got a massive twist.
Check this out.
Is the barnet all right?
Barnet all right? You sure?
No spiky bits?
For years people have told me
that my food smells great and if
it smells great, why not wear it?
This is the world's
first edible fragrance.
Smell that. That smell nice?
Yeah, is that your new aftershave?
Yeah? Yeah.
Man, woman, salad.
The great thing about food
is food is everywhere.
It's around the whole wide world.
Everyone has their own version of food.
They cook what's local.
One thing's for sure, you have
to eat every day or you die.
There - food.
In those blocks of flats - food.
My restaurant here - food.
Cafe on the corner there - food.
Everyone's eating food.
Why not wear it?
The inspiration for J'ai Mange
happened by total fluke.
I'm sitting there at home cooking
for the family - I'm a family man.
I'm knocking out this
which by the way was incredible.
And I splashed some on me.
I'm like, "Oh, no - I've splashed some on me!
" I'd better wash it off.
Then Jools came over
and give me a kiss,
and she's like, "Ooh,
you smell good!"
I'm like, "J'ai Mange!"
Pour, dab, drench, eat, wear.
J'ai Mange.
J'ai Mange.
There's not just basil, there's basil.
D'you know what I mean?
Pour homme, pour femme, just pour!
OK. Man, woman, or salads -
you've got to see what happens
when we test this on the public.
Until then, we have a
brilliant track called River
from the beautiful Charlotte Church
and her latest album.
Check this out.
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
And putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it won't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm gonna make a lot of money
And then I'm gonna
quit this crazy scene
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so lo-o-ong
I would teach my feet
To fly-y-y
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
And putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away o-o-on
Back in a bit but before we go
here's another one my delicious
Christmas mouthfuls.
OK, time for another one of my
favourite festive food combos.
This is a great one.
We're doing baked cheese.
I'm going to get a knife and
just score round the top first.
Then just shave it off.
Then we're going to add
some fresh rosemary.
Get yourself some garlic and
cut it into little slices.
Just plonk the garlic into the cheese.
We're going to bake
this in an oven at 180
for about 20 minutes until
golden and gorgeous.
Once that gets cooked, it
looks something like this.
I cook it in the box it comes in.
You can see, if you
have a little prod,
it's almost like a sea of lava cheese.
Get some leftover stale bread, tear
it up into little inch-size pieces.
Thread on
your little bits of bread - each
person will get one of these -
and bake them both together at the
same time, about 15 to 20 minutes.
This is what you get -
little roasted toasties.
To add on again, I've got some
leftover sour cranberries
and some nuts from the nut
basket that you just crush up.
Just finely chop it all.
What I love to do
is to pull off one of
these bits of toast,
get into this cheese here.
Look how gorgeously melted this cheese is.
And as it comes out, dunk it in your
sour cranberries and your nuts.
That is a little mouthful of heaven.
Welcome back to my Christmas lock-in.
Time to check on my big
turkey experiment.
So, here we go guys.
How are the turkeys doing, brother?
These are cooked now.
We're ready to glaze them.
OK, tell the British
public about glazing,
cos this isn't something that
we traditionally do here.
cos this isn't something that we traditionally do here.
OK, it's just another way to add flavour and sweet-sour.
So in this case, we use balsamic
vinegar, white wine vinegar,
honey, some garlic.
So the point is that you create that beautiful,
incredible, sort of kick on the outside?
Exactly. And contrast, so it's just
like boom, right in your mouth.
Another thing that the Brits largely
don't do is brine their turkey.
Explain what brining
your turkey is about.
It can be as basic as
just salt and water
but in this case, you can put salt,
sugar, water, it adds flavour.
You've got garlic in there.
You've got garlic in there. Garlic, rosemary...
I kind of jack it up a bit.
And what sort of saltiness
Sea water?
So tell them exactly what brining
does because what it does
is actually worth the
fuss, I can promise you.
It's almost a guaranteed juicy bird.
As long as you don't overcook it.
But even if you do slightly,
it's so forgiving.
So did we brine this
deep-fried turkey?
That was brined.
So we're going to let
this rest for 40 minutes.
Exactly, it's perfect.
Exactly, it's perfect. OK, guys, any information for recipes,
this, that and the other, I can promise you, brining
really does make all the difference,
and it's a skill you couldlearn.
We'll have the recipe on
thereand all of Adam's tips.
Brother, I'll see you in half an hour and we're going
to get this whole place fed. OK, lovely people.
So, next, I teach
Japan-loving Jonathan Ross
an alternative Christmas starter,
wagu beef, ninja stylee.
Shall we cook some Japanese food?
Let's do it.
OK. We've got wagu beef.
I've eaten wagu beef, never cooked it.
It's very expensive.
Very. You love Japanese food.
I love it, I adore it.
You'resemi-fluent at the language?
I'm not even semi-fluent, but enough
to confuse someone who knows nothing.
All we're going to do is were going to use one
of these, this is like a little spice mix here.
These are likelittle sesame seeds
and chillies and stuff like that.
This is the equivalent of stock.
It's like a seasoning.
The lovely thing about Japanese food
is you get these incredible little rubs and dips and
little crunchy bits, black and normal sesame seeds,
some chilli, and I'm
just going to roll it.
That's beautiful.
Mine looks more professional.
OK, so we're going to cook alongside each other.
We're just going to go into the pan,bit of sesame oil.
Put the beef in. This is wagu
beef, but you could use any beef.
Unlike Jamie, I'm being safe and
using a tool, not my fingers.
But you're used to cooking so
you know your limitations.
You're like a grand master.
We're not going to cook it loads, just sear
the outside, just give it a bit of character.
Good man. Right, so we sear
that for about 40 seconds.
Have you noticed there's
chilli in the air now?
Yes, right up my nose.
I really want to do a
Japanese-style sneeze.
OK. So I want to do this beautiful
little sauce that I love. Now,
you can get this online.
It's basically like tahini.
Umami neri goma.
It's tahini. You just pour that.
Three tablespoons, roughly.
Bless you. Arigato. We're going to
put a little bit of this mirin in,
just a little teaspoon.
And then a tiny bit of icing sugar.
Icing sugar?
Sweetness. Sweet and sourness.
Rice wine vinegar.
How much?
Tablespoon-ish.Lime juice.
So this is like Japanese...
Wow, two at once, you show-off!
Yeah,that's proper ninja-style.
And then we have a little taste.
I'll be honest with you,
that would do me for lunch.
Just that on some bread.
We're going to slice this up.
We want nice ninja-style slices.
Do you know it was your 50th birthday?
The knife that you'reholding
is your 50th birthday present.
From me to you.
And I know that you're a big
present giver, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm trying to be excited it's a
knife you probably got for nothing.
Don't say that!
I bet you got given this by someone.
I did.
Well then, don't make it a big deal.
It's not quite nothing
because actually...
Look, did you pay for it?
No. Right, so you got it for nothing.
You know your 50th birthday, this is for me. There you go.
And I didn't buy it either.
And we're going to lay thisover here.
I've got somerice over here.
This is sticky rice.
You like sticky rice?
I love sticky rice.
I'm going to put this, this
is like sticky ricedressing,
it's like sugar syrup and vinegar.
Wow, that sounds incredible.
I'm going to take a little spoon of this.
Let's have a little bit there.
Little bit of sesame.
Let's try and eat some.
You like a bit of sake?
Sake daisuki.
That means "I like it a lot."
You've got to serve mine because in Japan,
you're not allowed to serve your own drink,
otherwise it's bad luck.
Bless you.
Cheers, mate. Kanpai.
Wagu beef. Special.
Oh, man.
Melt in your mouth.
But it is very nice.
Is it true they feed it
beer and they massage them?
Yeah, they're the most looked
after cows in the world.
Yeah, they're the most looked after cows in the world.
Very much in the same way that Wayne Rooney is taken care of.
What, just beer and massage?
Beer and massage.
Whilst my little helpers
carry on cooking,
time for a chat with the one
and only Charlotte Church.
Charlotte Church!
Darling, thank you for
coming on my show.
My pleasure.
The lock-in is happening,
it's kicking off.
It's amazing.
Thank you for singing.
My pleasure.
So what's Christmas
like in your house?
Well, pretty much the
same as every household.
You've got two kids.
Two babies, so it's full of presents.
But also just full of food.
So are you a cooker?
I try, and I think I'm quite good.
Obviously nowhere near your level
but I do give it a good go and I
do sometimes produce some magic.
What's you comfort food?
If you want to cuddle up and have
a lovely comfort food night in?
Anything with mash.
Oh, you're a mash girl?
So like shepherd's pie or sausage and
mash, or a stew, a proper Irish stew.
But you're Welsh.
Come on, you must have
some Welsh influences.
Well, there is a Welsh stew but
that has crazy things in it
that I have never attempted to cook myself
because it seems far too complicated.
I mean, you are a working mum.
Yes, I am.
And dadGavin, he's a working dad.
Yes, he is.
Yes, he is. But you don't have any
help, you get on with it yourself?
You have to do a lot of juggling,
how do you do that? I've got four.
My rule is don't work too much.
I'm a bit of a work
shirker, to be fair.
Oh, really?
Absolutely, shirk the work.
Absolutely, shirk the work.
How do you pull that off?
Absolutely, shirk the work. How do you pull that off?
I don't know. Also, once you have babies, as you know,
you just want to be with them all
the time and not miss anything.
So it's going to be the first Christmas without Gav.
How's it going to be, juggling that?
I think we'll be fine.
I mean, you know,
I'll be with them on
Christmas morning and stuff.
But, you know, I'm sure that we'll work something
out for the evening or something like that.
But, yeah, I have got some
big plans for Christmas Day
in terms of the babies.
It's all about the kids,
looking after them?
It's all about my babies,
start to finish.
And it's great that you've
had an amicable split,
you've got a new, lovely
boyfriend, Jonathan.
Who is also a co-writer on your album.
And I saw him there on the
strings, giving it large.
And I saw him there on the strings, giving it large.
Yeah, he's on the viola.
I've heard he's a bit of a cook.
Yes, he is.
So he looks after you?
Yes, he does, he's very good.
When I was talking to him in
the changing room earlier,
he was talking about braising,
roasting, and slow cooking.
I was quite impressed.
Yeah, yeah, he's really
good, he's really good.
It was nice to know that Mrs
Church was in good culinary hands.
So let's talk about the new
album, Back To Scratch.
You have been honest about the
lyrics and some of it's about love
and it sounds like you're talking
about Gavin in some of those lyrics.
Not necessarily. Love and emotion and
everything is a rather broad path,
so yeah. I mean, life is life
and you write about what you can
draw from and that's it, really.
You've gone from opera, the best singers in the
world, and you've kind of come towards pop.
Where would you position this?
I think nowadays, I've kind
of found a nice balance,
where my voice is comfortable.
You know, that is what
I love about you,
because I think, in your
trade, you are incredible
proficient and intelligent.
And then you grow up as a teenager
and you get in amongst it.
There are pictures of you coming out
of taxis, legs all over the place,
getting drunk after a couple
of those dodgy old cocktails.
Easy, fella!
No, but you're human, you're a
teenager,you're a lovely lady.
You get in amongst it in Cardiff. And I think it's
brilliant that the press can't pigeonhole you.
I hope so. I mean, I'm human,
the same as us all. You know,
we all have our flaws and we
all have our good points.
And I've never claimed to be a role model
or perfect in any way, shape or form,
but I just try my best,
same as everybody else.
So hopefully, you know,
people like that.
Bless you. Charlotte Church, everyone,
she deserves a happy new year, yeah?
Thank you for coming on the show.
Thank you for coming on the show.
My pleasure.
Thank you for coming on the show.
My pleasure. Bless you. It's...
Thank you very much, Charlotte.
Listen, you might have seen earlier,
I've started my own fragrance,
J'ai Mange. So we took this lovely
product to a real focus group and
they're going to tell us what they really think of it.
They're not always nice.
This Christmas, I thought I'd join
the galaxy of shameless celebs who
are trying it on with a load of
ridiculous products. So say hello
to my very own J'ai Mange, the
world's first edible aftershave.
Sounds too good to be true?
Well, it is, so I've set up a
series of real focus groups
to find out what the great British
public really think of it,
and see if they'd actually buy it.
I'll be watching
everything remotely
and controlling the actor running the
session via an earpiece. Clever.
So, first, what do
they think about me?
Let's talk about Jamie as a brand.
What are words that pop into our head
when we start thinking about Jamie?
Creative, good.
A pioneer.
Annoying lisp.
He's got a lisp.
We'll write all of these in a second
but didn't you say he was stupid?
Obviously, he sounds stupid,
but I know he's not.
Stupid, in a good way.
Let's play a game.
I want you to tell me whether
or not you would shag...
Oh, yeah.
Hang on a sec.
Hang on a sec. Shag, marry
or kill.
Who are you going to go for?
Shag, marry, kill.
So, OK. So that is Gordon,
Gordon gets a shag.
You're going to marry Jamie. OK.
Poor old Ainslie is on
the chopping block.
Who are you shagging? Ainsley?
Shag and kill.
You're killing Jamie.
How would you like to see him die?
How would you like to see Jamie
Oliver die, if he had to die?
Drown him, strangle him, burn him?
Boiled in a pot.
I wouldn't...
Go on. Say you had to see him die.
Just...a car crash or something.
Just...a car crash or something. A car crash. Fine.
OK, you wouldn't like to see him die but why not a car crash?
Jamie Oliver is launching
his own fragrance.
No, it's all right, it's OK.
Smash 'em with the name.
It's J'ai Mange.
What's your initial reaction to the thought
that it's not just a fragrance, it's edible?
Edible fragrance from Jamie Oliver.
I don't want to smell like a kitchen.
Do you spray it on food
or spray it on yourself?
Do you spray it on food or spray
it on yourself? Multi-use.
Christie, you can spray it on your
food, you can spray it on yourself.
Marinade chicken, fish.
You marinade chicken, you marinade
fish, you splash it on yourself.
You put it on your chips.
Turkey twizzlers.
Turkey twizzlers,
whatever you're eating.
The thing is, is this safe.
Is it safe?
It's 100% safe at this stage.
What do you think of the idea of a
little bit of nibbling on the...?
Yeah, weird.
Weird? OK.
But isn't there a fine line
between weird and genius?
It is genius, that thought,
to have that thought.
Would you say Jamie
Oliver is a genius?
No. No. No.
No. No. No. I'd like you just to have
a very quick look at this
as a potential billboard.
Oh, my goodness.
Jamie, as we've never seen him.
Gosh. Jamie, as we've never seen him.
I don't believe that! That's not his body.
Hang on, not all at once.
What's your initial reaction, Christie?
Jamie looks fit, but
that's not Jamie's body.
I can assure you, that is.
Yeah, I assure you. Cos under those
plaid shirts, this is what's going on.
Is that him for real?
That is genuinely the torso that he brought
to us on the day we took the photograph.
Yeah. How does that
make you feel, Jenny?
That's quite good. I'm speechless.
Rosemary, what are your feelings?
I just feel very let down by it.
You feel let down?
What we like isthe fact that
he seems to be so spontaneous,
and this is him being a bit corporate.
Do you think he's sold out?
Jamie Oliver has lost it. Discuss.
I don't think he's lost it.
A lone voice.
I tell you what we're
going to do, we're going
to do a spray test first of all.
Do you want to just have a little...
You're popping it on the wrist?
Where do you normally...?
Well, you can eat it,
just have it in the face.
Well, just straight to the face.
On the face?
Yes, because it's edible.
Let me give you a bit of
Jamie straight in the face.
There we go. Not bad, eh, not bad.
Describe the taste.
The taste just goes so quickly,
I only taste it for a second.
That's the sign of a good dressing.
That's the sign of a good dressing. That's the sign of a great
dressing, it doesn't linger, no aftertaste, it's just a little flash.
It's uplifting.
It's uplifting.
Straight in the mouth and...
Rob, what are your feelings
as you're sniffing it?
I'm intrigued at the moment.
Jenny likes it.
Mmm. Jenny likes it. Yummy.
I tell you.
What are you going to tell me?
It's a bitsensual, I'm telling you.
It's a little bit sensual.
I'm going to put it down.
Would you like to rub a
bit of Jamie on you now?
Would you like to rub
Jamie on you now?
OK, go on record whether
you'll buy it or not.
Let's break it down.
Would you go to a shop and buy it?
Based on that advert.
You'd still shag him and
you like the fragrance?
Will you go on record that you would
shag him and you like the products?
I would.
Christie, you would say you'd
shag him and buy the product?
This is just ridiculous!
Let's try it on some skin.
We're going to bring the model in.
OK, so he's going to spray it on himself.
Jenny, can you lick it?
Lick that arm.
It smells really nice.
Yeah, you're enjoying this?
Christie, just lick the wrist.
Just pop your tongue out. Lick it.
That is great. Will you go for a neck?
Will you go for a neck?
Oh, God, I kissed him!
All right, folks, if you'd like
to pop your blindfolds off now.
Hello, darling.How are you?
You know what, I think it's
a good idea, I really do.
Honestly, I think you
should go for it.
J'ai Mange is definitely the future.
After the break, guys, we've
got three beautiful turkeys.
Our celebrity guests are going to taste and decide
what the pub gets to eat. See you after the break.
OK, it is time to eat the
three beautiful turkeys.
OK, so we've got our celebrity guests.
We've got Adam Perry
Lang, barbecue king.
And we've got the fastest carver
in the west, Mr Paul Kelly.
Turkey farmer, turkey farmer.
OK, Paul, we have got our
spit-roasted turkey here.
We are trying a bit of this, are we?
We are dishing it out to Mr Ross.
We are dishing it out to Mr Ross.
Oh, that's good.
Let's go for the turkey
cooked in the salt cave.
No. I'd rather not.
What is that?
All right! I do like a man in a
helmet, but I mean... Hello?!
It had better taste incredibly good.
It had better taste incredibly good.
Just hold my wrench.
Ready for it? Ready?
OK, let's have a little look.
I think we might have nuked it.
I did say it was an
experiment, everyone.
OK, go for it, Paul. I can't believe
I done this to one of your turkeys.
I done this to one of your turkeys.
No, it's all right.
They look like a pair of old balls.
Don't talk about Tinara like that.
No, no, it's good, it's good.
It's juicy.
It is juicy.
It looks horrible on the
outside, but it's juicy.
That is really dry.
The sad thing is that,
actually, it does work,
but not tonight, guys.
OK, deep-fried turkey.
Paul, have a little carve-up, brother.
Oh, I'm not sure about deep-fried, Jamie.
That can't be right.
It's looking good.
Paul's taken the breast off.
That's a big piece you're
doing me there, Paul.
(LAUGHS) Paul is a free-range
organic turkey farmer.
It is juicy.
It is beautifully juicy.
Want a bite?
Want a bite? Not like that.
Can you please cut some for me?
Want a bite? Not like that.
Can you please cut some for me? Mrs Church!
You can't give her that inner fillet!
You can't give her that inner fillet!
Why not?
This one's nice.
Try a bite of this as well.
This one's normal.
This one's normal. What did you fry
it in, hair gel? It's horrible!
What do you mean it's horrible?
What do you mean it's horrible?
It's fucking horrible!
You go and sing your song, darling.
Get your guys ready.
This is a man's thing.
OK, which one is your favourite?
We've got spit-roast,
in salt and deep-fried.
Which one's your favourite?
For me, it's the
spit-roast, hands down.
Funny that(!)
Well, it's nice and moist.
Jonathan, what's your favourite?
Jonathan, what's your favourite?
I have been persuaded to join Louie in the spit-roast.
Want to come in with us, Jamie?
Everybody, you're
eating the spit-roast!
That's the end of the show.
Thank you to Louie Spence,
Jonathan Ross, lovely
Paul Kelly the turkey man
and barbecue king Alan Perry Lang,
Gennaro Contaldo and Charlotte Church
is going to sing us out with
a beautiful Christmas song.
Happy Christmas. Happy new year.
Gone away is a bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song as we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland
In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say, Are you married?
We'll say, No, man
But you can do the job
when you're in town
Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we made
Walking in a winter wonderland
In a winter