JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It (2012) Movie Script

- [Laughs]
I knew you'd show up.
You wanted to know
how I dooz it, right?
Ha ha! I'm letting you know,
right, how I dooz it.
A slice of "I dooz it" pie.
You know what "I dooz it" pie
consists of?
Nothing. Ain't nothing
in a "dooz it" pie,
'cause I don't know how to make
no damn pie.
If I made a pie, wouldn't have
nothing in there but dooz it!
That's how I dooz it, baby.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
J.B. Smoove!
[Hip-hop music]
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it
- Y'all ain't ready
for this right here.
Rewind that!
[Tape rewinding rapidly]
[Hip-hop music repeats]
What up?
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it,
comin' with that gangster shit
- That's how I dooz it!
Come on, y'all, come on!
That's how I dooz it.
- Say my name
- That's how I dooz it.
- You can tell by the swag
- That's how I dooz it.
Come on, y'all, come on.
That's how I dooz it.
Yo, bounce that.
Bounce that, playboy.
Come on, bounce that.
Black man,
do it, black man.
That's how I dooz it.
- That's how I dooz it
That's how I dooz it
That's how I dooz it
That's how I do...
- Ooh, shoot.
Oh, my God.
You feel that, playboy?
Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever let a white man
out-black you, playboy, ever.
Next time I see a white man
out-black you,
I'ma cuss your ass out.
White folks in here
giving it up like this.
You was like this.
Oh, that's my jam right there.
That's how I dooz it!
You can have a baby
to that damn song, you hear me?
Play it again.
Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
Oh, shoot!
Boy, you see that black man
come out that white lady?
You saw that?
What he doing up in her?
Oh, you get amped like that,
you want to slap the shit
out of somebody.
Play it again. Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
What's wrong with your ass?
[music stops]
Use that damn song
for any slapping occasion.
Who is it?
[Lady's voice] Hello, young man.
I'm from a Jehovah's Witness.
[Normal voice]
Play that shit again.
[Hip-hop music]
Shut your old ass up!
Pick up all these
Goddamn pamphlets.
All this shit!
Too early for this.
Too early for this.
I don't care how you got here.
Boy, that damn song
come on the radio,
it don't matter
what the hell you driving.
You could be riding
a damn stagecoach...
being chased by the police.
You think your ass
can get away.
Play it again.
[Hip-hop music]
- That's how I dooz it,
yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
That's how I dooz it,
comin' with that gangster shit
That's how I dooz it,
y'all better grip with this
That's how I dooz it
[music stops]
- [Laughs]
Oh, God.
You old school, playboy.
Look at you, boy!
With the DMC glasses on.
I'm old school too, playboy.
I quit my last job
like Run-DMC.
Like Rev Run,
I was like, "I'm out of here!"
"I'm out of here."
Oh, that damn song.
I almost came that time.
I'ma mess my new pants up.
New jeans, you know what I mean?
I almost came that time.
I get so excited,
you know what I mean?
I almost came in my new pants,
you know what I mean?
I was going to return these
pants to the store tomorrow,
you know what I mean?
That's how I dooz it,
you know what I'm saying?
I wear them out,
take them back to the store,
and return them, man, right?
They give you a hard time
you try to return some jeans
with cum inside of them,
you know what I mean?
All these damn questions.
"Uh, sir, there's white stuff
inside these pants."
"You're damn right there's white
stuff inside those damn pants.
"I'm not going
to wear them again.
"Fold them up, put them
back on the damn shelf.
Too many damn questions
right now."
Believe me,
I'm a big-time comer,
hear me?
She peeked inside
them damn pants,
said "God damn!"
They call me "big-time comer."
That's how I come.
That's how I come.
Like that,
that's how I come.
I come sideways.
I don't give a damn... sideways.
I come on your ankle, all over
your ankle, all over your ankle.
It's like that silly string.
Come out like silly string.
You invite my ass
to your party,
boy, I'll jack your party up.
I'll come in that damn party,
come on your friends.
Like, "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
"He's a asshole.
He's getting cum on everybody.
"Who invited this guy?
"He's getting cum
on everybody's face.
He's an asshole!"
[Cheers and applause]
All you guys got
that weak-ass cum.
I can tell by your face
right now.
You got that weak-ass cum.
Yeah, you got
that weak-ass cum.
And you got
that weak-ass cum.
Got that weak-ass cum.
[Normal voice]
You finish tapping that ass,
your cum just break by itself.
Weak-ass cum!
My cum like a jump rope.
My shit's strong like this.
Got that power line...
Like power line.
My shit's cum... it's strong!
When I finish coming,
I got to cut my shit
with a pair of scissors.
Thank you, girlfriend,
for the piece of ass.
Just let me cut
this damn cum.
Now roll it up.
Make it nice and neat.
Got to roll it up like that.
The ladies do not like
tangled-up cum.
You got to hang your cum up
nice and neatly.
See that?
You hang it up.
I love being back
in my city, man.
[Cheers and applause]
Oh, I live in L.A. Now, man.
Oh, man.
L.A. Got a lot
of good-looking people, man.
I was in L.A., man.
I saw a handsome homeless guy.
This dude was like this here.
Uh-huh, like this.
"You ain't got
no change at all?
"Come on, you got something.
Don't you got something?
No change?"
L.A. Is a trip, boy!
All day in L.A., all you see
in L.A. Is kidnappings
and high-speed car chases.
Yeah, boy.
They love to take your ass
in L.A., right?
But I'll tell you
one thing, man.
It's not a whole lot of kids.
The bad part about these
kidnappings nowadays,
a lot of grown-ass people
getting kidnapped.
You 35 Goddamn years old
and your ass get kidnapped,
you missin', it's your fault!
I'm not gonna blame
a damn kidnapper.
It's your fault, 'cause your ass
ain't paying attention
to your surroundings.
If you walkin'
down the damn street
and there's a dude
riding on a sidewalk
with two wheels on the curb
riding the same speed
you walking like this,
that's bad news.
If you got a late-model,
black-ass van,
let me tell you
something right now.
Late-model black-ass vans
ain't never been associated
with anything but bad news.
A black-ass van
roll up, right?
It's got that big-ass,
old-ass door, right?
The big, old...
I'm talking about 1980
and lower black-ass van,
with the click, click...
[imitates whooshing]
"Get your ass in here!"
[Imitates whooshing]
[Imitates breaks squealing]
Three seconds,
your ass is taken.
Those new vans, the fucking door
move too damn slow.
You got to press
the damn button,
and the door do this
right here.
You be like...
He's trying to take me!"
"Go, go, go!
Close the fucking door.
Close the Goddamn door!"
[Imitates tires squealing]
Be mad as hell.
"She saw my Goddamn face.
"I told you 1980 and lower!
"You pop in
with a brand-new-ass minivan.
"She saw my damn face!
"She had time to get
in the van,
"look at me again,
and time to get the hell out
before the damn door closed."
Them damn police officers, ooh.
The L.A. Police
are notorious.
They don't give a fuck
about your ass.
Cops do not like chasing
your ass.
They get mad
when they got to chase your ass.
They don't mind the car.
They don't mind riding
in a slow-speed car chase
or a high-speed car chase.
The car might run out of gas,
or the spike strip's gonna bust
the tires or something, right?
But when you hop out
that damn car...
let me tell you something...
a cop get madder
than a motherfucker.
They be like this...
"God damn."
[Inhales sharply]
"He done hopped out
the Goddamn car."
Cops get pissed off.
You know why?
'Cause cops got a ton
of bullshit on their belt.
This shit heavy.
This shit heavy as hell.
It's a whole lot of shit
on that damn belt.
That's like, your ass
work in an office, right?
You an accountant,
or you work in an office,
and your ass walking around
the damn office
with a Goddamn printer
on your fucking belt.
Goddamn paper
and staplers and shit.
Go... Goddamn monitor...
Goddamn scanner.
All your shit is on your belt.
You walk around all day
with that,
all day with that shit
on your belt.
Your pants all low,
your pants all low,
'cause all that shit
heavy as hell.
You like, "Oh, shit,
I'm wearing low-riders
right now."
Got all that shit.
You at Starbucks or somewhere,
you in a coffee shop,
trying to get
some Goddamn lunch,
all that shit on your belt, just
in case some business happens,
you know what I mean?
I'm glad I got
this Goddamn scanner with me.
[Imitates scanner whirring]
Thank God I brung
this damn printer.
You look at a cop, right?
You ever look
at a cop real good?
Look at a cop from head to toe.
Look at this... God damn.
Look at all that stupid shit.
They got tons of dumb shit
on that belt.
Tons of dumb-ass shit, right?
They got... the Goddamn gun.
They got a Goddamn Taser,
fucking mace,
Goddamn ticket book,
fucking whistles,
Goddamn walkie-talkie
on that motherfucker.
Fucking lie detector,
DNA tester,
got a fucking Breathalyzer,
Goddamn coffee maker
on that motherfucker.
That's a whole lot
of bullshit.
When you hop out that
Goddamn car and start running,
the first thing a cop
is thinking is, "God damn.
"He gonna make me
chase his ass
with all this bullshit
on this belt!"
Coffee spilling.
"I'm gonna kill your ass!"
You got a backup cop
hanging over here...
a backup cop over here.
Another dude like...
"Make a left. Make a left.
Make a left."
"Left, motherfucker.
Left, left, left, left."
"Your left, your left?
My left?"
"My left, motherfucker.
My left!"
You got to be in shape
to escape two damn cops, right?
If you want to steal, right,
have your ass in shape.
Don't be trying to steal shit
if your ass ain't in shape.
Your ass
got to be in shape to steal.
Get your ass in the gym.
Get your wind up.
Get your strength up, right?
You will frustrate the fuck
out of a police officer
if he can't catch your ass.
"This guy's incredible.
"This guy knew
this day was gonna come.
"He is prepared for our ass.
I'm gonna run out of gas
on this motherfucker right now."
Get your ass in the gym.
Get in the Goddamn gym and get
on that fucking treadmill.
You get
on that fucking treadmill,
and you work that shit.
I'ma steal everything.
I'm gonna get
that Goddamn wind up.
Then the police
can't fuck with me!
You jogging.
There's a white man
on his treadmill,
a nosy-ass white man
on his treadmill next to you.
[Laughing sarcastically]
"Are you a new member?"
Shut the fuck up!
[Cheers and applause]
I'm training
to steal some shit, bitch.
Give me that Goddamn iPod.
You don't want to mess around
with no damn police.
You don't want to mess around
with the damn police, man.
Anybody been downtown before?
Anybody been arrested before?
Anybody been arrested?
Anybody been arrested before?
Anybody been arrested?
You don't want to admit it.
You been arrested?
Oh, hell, no, girl.
Been to jail before?
Been downtown, right?
You don't want to play around
with them damn cops, right?
You know the difference
between getting arrested
and going to jail, right?
It's two difference.
There's a damn difference
between going to jail
and getting arrested.
When you go to jail,
you go to jail.
You get arrested,
you get taken.
That mean you resisted,
or something happened.
Something got twisted, and the
cop treated you real bad, right?
When a cop got to chase
your ass,
he tackle you, right?
This is where it gets rough.
He put that damn knee
in your damn back like that.
Put that damn knee
in your back like that, right?
Put that damn knee
right there.
Got your ass now, yeah.
You give up.
You give up!
Right? You put your hand
behind your back.
"You got me, officer.
You got me.
You got me, officer."
And what he says?
"Yeah, I sure do."
Don't you ever,
when you get arrested,
put your hand
behind your back.
You always do this,
always do this.
And you squinch your face up
like this.
Like this.
He gonna hit you hard as hell.
He gonna hit your ass hard.
If you do this to your face,
it reduces the pain by 45%,
like this.
"Here it come. Here it come.
Here it come!
I seen a cop hit a dude
so hard.
I mean, this cop was trying
to kill this dude.
Hit this guy so damn hard, man,
that he would hit himself
before he hit the damn suspect.
"I'ma kill your ass!
They both need a ambulance.
"Oh, God.
Cop down! Cop down!"
"Have you been shot?"
"No! I hit myself in the back.
And my suspect is unconscious."
Cops don't be playing, man.
Then they get rough.
Then they get real rough.
Then they grab your ass.
They bend your wrist like this.
The first move, they bend
your damn wrist like this.
They push this wrist back
so Goddamn far, your toe hurt.
"Why's my toe hurting?
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, my toe!
Why is my toe hurting?"
The nerves from your wrist are
attached to your Goddamn toe.
Cops don't fuck around.
They grab that damn arm,
they bend like this,
they turn it,
they pull that shit,
and they rip that mo...
Put your face
on the damn car like this.
Oh, God damn.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay, officer, okay!
You're hurting my arm!
You got to tell
that damn officer,
"Officer, there's a ligament
in this fucking arm.
The whole body
is loaded with ligaments.
Ligaments run the body.
Your body is full
of fucking ligaments.
A lot of people think the body
is 75% water or whatever it is.
It's 75% ligaments.
That officer bend your damn arm
and twist your wrist like this.
And you're fucking...
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
And you mess around and rip that
ligament while he twisting it,
guess what you're stuck with
for three months.
This right here.
I don't give a damn
how handsome your ass is.
You walk in the club
with this right here...
Your whole body
jacked up, right?
The pants crooked.
You got the pants over here.
You look like this.
You done jacked up
your damn ligament.
Now your ligament
all jacked up, right?
You walk into a club
with this right here,
believe me,
heads will turn.
"What up, playboy?
What's going on, fools?"
"What the hell
happened to you?"
"Man, the police done
fucked up my ligament."
This ain't good
for nothing, right?
Be in the damn club
trying to hang out and shit.
You know what I mean?
Meeting girls.
"What's up, baby?
Come here.
"Let me holler at you
right quick.
"Come here.
Let me talk to you right quick.
"Get your ass over here.
"I'm gonna hook
the hook on your arm.
"Get your ass over here.
I'm talking to you.
Don't... don't... don't do that."
This ain't good for nothing.
Know what it's good for?
Putting in ingredients.
Put a little oregano in there,
a dash of pepper,
and you drizzle some teriyaki,
It's a drizzler too.
Then you stir it up
with the same hand.
You stir it up.
You serve it
with the same hand too.
See that?
You want some Kool-Aid?
You want some fruit punch?
Fruit punch.
I got fruit punch over here.
Got fruit punch.
You say it ain't sweet?
It ain't sweet? It ain't sweet?
Goddamn sugar
at the bottom, huh?
Sugar at the bottom.
Try to be cool with this.
[Cheers and applause]
Your ass can't even get a job
because your arm
all jacked up, right?
You going to interviews
"Hey, I want...
can I get a job?"
All the doors
slam in your face
'cause your damn arm
all fucked up.
You got to get a job
doing children's parties,
you know what I mean?
Doing shadow puppet shows
and shit.
Your ass doing shit...
All right, kids.
Did I tell you kids
what happened to my arm?
The police messed up
Mr. Johnson's ligament, kids.
So I got a swan.
I got a rabbit
and a pair of scissors.
So the swan and the rabbit
went to Staples
to steal a pair of scissors.
And the rabbit was like,
"Come on, man, we don't got
to steal no damn scissors.
"It ain't like we ain't got
no damn money, man.
We got money. We can buy
our own pair of scissors."
And the swan was like,
"Fuck that shit.
"I'm not paying
for no damn scissors.
I'ma keep it real up in here."
"Come on, man.
Not today, man.
This ain't even cool, man.
You got money in your pocket."
"I got money... my money
in my pocket.
"Like I said!
"You can be a bitch
if you want to,
but I'm not paying
for no motherfucking scissors."
[Cheers and applause]
This is the swan
getting arrested.
"Ah, ah, ah."
Took his ass to jail
and put his ass in fucking jail.
That's how he look in jail.
"Let me out of here!
Yo, what you doing?
Stop, stop!"
"Stop, stop!"
All the guys ask me...
after the show
is about ligaments.
I'm a Goddamn ligament expert,
you understand?
Your whole body is full...
when I tell you your body...
fellas, let me tell you
about fellas and ligaments.
Your whole body is loaded
with ligaments, fellas.
You got a ligament
that separates
your balls
and your asshole.
You know what I'm saying?
There's a ligament that runs
right here, right here,
between here.
Put your hand down there,
feel right now.
Put your hand down there,
Put your hand... put your hand
down there, feel it.
It separates
your balls and your asshole.
It's a little piece of ligament.
Look at me, right there.
It's a little piece of ligament
that separates these two.
See that? It's a little piece
of ligament right there, right?
That's how
your body's designed.
You got to have
a little space there.
You can't just go
balls and asshole.
You can't just go straight
to balls and asshole, right?
Your balls... your balls cannot
be too close to your asshole.
You'll fuck around and shit your
nuts out, you know what I mean?
This is called
the spring ligament,
the spring ligament,
the spring ligament.
This ligament right here is
the spring ligament, understand?
When you use this ligament
right here, this is called...
this ligament gives you
the lift.
It picks your johnson up.
A lot of people think
the blood does all the work.
No, no, no, no, no,
the blood fills your johnson up.
It's the spring ligament's
to lift your johnson up.
Somebody got to pick
your johnson up.
You think blood's that damn
strong to pick your johnson up?
The blood gets it hard.
But the spring ligament
lifts it up, you understand?
A lot of guys don't even know
it's down there.
You don't even know
it's down there
till you get tender one day,
like, "Ow, what I do last...
ooh, ooh."
You having rough-ass sex,
and you realize something
ain't right right there.
Anybody ever get that feeling?
Any guys?
Like, "Ooh, what did
I do right there?
What did I do?
What did I do?"
You doing some acrobatic stuff.
You're trying to do something
funky, something crazy.
You trying to do
something crazy,
and you pull that little piece
of ligament right there.
You pull it.
You know how you pull it? I'll
tell you how you pull it too.
When your lady give you
the double whammy.
Know what a double whammy is?
When she pull on your balls
and your johnson
at the same damn time.
Like this.
"Ugh! Aah!"
She done pulled
your damn ligament.
She done messed
your damn ligament up.
You in the bathroom like,
"Ow, ow, what the hell she do?
"Ow, it's tender.
It's tender.
"It's tender.
Ow, it's tender."
You walk in that bedroom.
Your lady's on the bed.
She's like, "Mm.
Where you been at? Come on."
You're like, "Oh, shit."
'Cause now
you ain't got no damn lift.
The blood came to work.
Your johnson hard as a rock.
But it's aimed
to the damn ground like that,
like that.
You're like, "Oh, man,
what am I going to do?"
She's like,
"Come on, baby, what you doing?
Come on."
"Oh, shit."
Now you got to think, think,
think, think, think.
You got to make love
to your lady somehow.
"What the fuck am I going to do?
What the fuck am I going to do?"
You got to... you got to turn
your lady upside down.
You got to pogo stick that ass.
[Cheers and applause]
Got to go
to the gym, man, right?
Work your ass out,
get strong.
See, I go to the gym.
I try to go to the gym a little
to work out.
I get irritated
when I go to the gym.
As soon as I walk in the gym,
I get irritated. You know why?
'Cause everything
is so damn heavy... all this shit.
Ain't no light shit in here?
What the fuck is this?
I got in a new gym, man.
My new gym so Goddamn heavy...
My new gym so damn heavy, the
door to get in that shit heavy.
I'll be like, "God damn,
"how the fuck you get
in this Goddamn gym?
"What kind of door is this?
God damn!
"What kind of Goddamn door
is this?
"Fuck. Whoo!
"How the fuck you get
in this Goddamn gym?
"Hey, man, people outside
can't get in!
"What kind of Goddamn door
is this?
"I got to wait outside
for somebody to leave
"to get in the Goddamn gym.
"When somebody leave, I'll slide
up in this motherfucker.
"Hold the door.
Hold that Goddamn door.
"Hold the door!
Hold the door!
"God damn.
"I'm in the gym.
"I don't know how I'ma leave,
but I'm up in this motherfucker.
"I got to pull the fire alarm
to leave.
We all leaving
at the same Goddamn time."
Firemen run in.
I'm running the fuck out.
Take care of your damn lady.
Take care of your damn lady.
This your lady
right here, playboy?
Take care
of your damn lady, man.
Take care of your lady.
He gonna touch her too.
Aw, look at him.
All: Aw.
They're so cute.
You buy nice things,
perfume and that kind of stuff?
Don't you ever buy no perfume!
A man can't buy
a lady perfume, playboy.
You know why?
Let me tell you why.
It takes women
a thousand years
to find the right fragrance
that smells good on them.
Perfume ain't shit.
You understand?
Perfume is not what makes
your lady smell good.
Your lady makes your lady
smell good.
Every lady has
their own natural chemistry.
You don't believe me?
Next time you're walking down
in Times Square, right?
Next time you in Times Square,
every lady you walk by,
just lick their face.
You're going to go
to jail, but...
you will find out that every
lady tastes a little different.
You understand?
All you can do is
go in that damn cabinet...
that's all you can do,
is go in the cabinet,
see what's almost empty,
take it, look at it,
and go and buy more of the stuff
that she used up already.
You know what I'm saying?
You come back,
you give her that damn perfume
that she's almost empty on,
I'm telling you,
you're gonna get a piece of ass.
She gonna be like, "Oh, my God,
"You are paying attention to me.
"You went in the cabinet
and found out what was empty.
"Oh, my God, I love you.
I freakin' love you,
you know that?"
But see, now you can't do it
with this lady,
'cause she just heard me.
Your next girlfriend...
[cheers and applause]
All I buy my wife...
let me tell you.
All I buy... I'm smart.
All I buy is things
I know she loves.
You know what I mean?
All I buy is, like,
high-heel stilettos.
That's the sexiest shit
in the fucking world, right?
When a lady know how to work
them damn high-heeled shoes,
this shit right here.
This is the sexiest shit
in the Goddamn world.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I feel sexy right now.
You know what I mean?
You got to be careful
walking around like this.
This dude... look right here.
He looking at me like,
"Hmm. J.B., what's up, man?
Looking sexy
in them damn heels, J.B."
I don't care about nothing.
I don't care
about nothing else...
lingerie, none of that stuff.
I don't give a damn
what my wife got on.
Put them Goddamn shoes on.
My wife can have on
shoulder pads and a baby diaper.
I don't give a fuck.
Put them damn shoes on.
She can have a whole...
a beekeeper outfit.
I don't give a fuck.
[Imitating bees buzzing]
I'd be like, "Look at that lady
working them Goddamn shoes.
Look at her
working them shoes."
[Imitates buzzing]
Ooh, that's sexy!
[Imitates buzzing]
I don't know a man in here
who's turned on by a lady
walking around
with her lazy ass
in some damn flip-flops.
That's the laziest shit.
You come home
from a hard-ass day at work.
You worked your ass off.
You walk in the damn house.
She walk up to you,
"Hey, baby, what's up?"
With that stupid-ass
flip-flop face.
You know that flip-flop face?
I bust my ass all day
for this shit right here?
You learn how to walk
in them damn heels
and get sexy for your man.
Some girls look sexy
in the shoes
'cause they know what the hell
they doing.
Some girls put the shoes on,
they don't know
what they doing, right?
They put the damn shoes on
trying to be sexy,
they ass look sneaky 'cause
they don't know how to walk.
Trying to be all sexy like...
Some girls look sexy
in the shoes.
Some look sneaky
in the shoes.
Some girls put them damn
shoes on, turn your ass off.
They ass look like
Tyrannosaurus Rex
in the damn shoes.
You be like,
"Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!
"Put them Goddamn flip-flops
back on
"before you eat all the Goddamn
plants in this damn house.
Stop eating them
Goddamn plants."
It is not... I repeat, learn how
to walk in some shoes, ladies.
It don't make
no damn sense, right?
Your mama should get up
early in the morning...
You in the house.
You still living at home.
You 28 Goddamn years old.
Your ass still walking around
on fucking flip-flops
all Goddamn day, right?
Should take your 28-,
30-year-old ass outside,
put your ass on the curb
and say, "Look here.
"Look here. Wake up!
Be still! Stop shaking!
"All right?
Don't be nervous.
"I know. I know it's hard
to stand up.
"I know. I know. I know.
"You gonna learn how to walk in
these Goddamn heels today, okay?
"I'ma get your ass going.
"You get out there and find
you a Goddamn boyfriend.
"Oh, fuck.
"Get your ass up!
"Relax! Relax!
Stop crying."
"Take your fucking time!
"You gonna learn how to walk
in these Goddamn heels.
"Okay, let's try it again.
Come on, come on.
God damn it!"
Slow your ass down.
There's a lot of shit I'm trying
to get into now, man.
I played
my first villain, right?
For this movie,
I played a villain.
Something cool
about being a evil-ass.
Wish I could do things at will,
you know what I mean?
Like, do things at will,
You know what
I wish I could do?
I wish I could just, like,
pile-drive somebody
anytime I wanted to,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, I gave you...
I gave you a five.
You gave me change
for a one.
Yeah, look in that...
in that pile of ones.
You'll see a five.
No, no, no,
it's... it's...
No, come on, dog.
Come on, man.
Check the pile of ones
and give me my change back.
Ah, man,
you a damn fool, man.
If you don't give me
my Goddamn change back...
You got me tripping
up in here!
What's up, Grandma?
What's up?
What's up, Grandma?
Love you, baby.
Huh? What are you talking
about, Grandma?
What are you talking about?
Come on, come on, Grandma.
I'm showing you
some love, Grandma.
Give me some love, Grandma.
Stop playing.
You just got out the hospital.
You should be feeling...
You know, what's up?
I came to see you a few times.
What do you mean?
You don't remember me
coming to see you?
No, come on, Grandma.
I ain't go in your purse.
Come on, Grandma.
Come on, Grandma,
you tripping up in here now.
Come on.
I'm your grandson.
Why am I gonna go in
your Goddamn purse for, Grandma?
Come on, baby.
Come on, Grandma.
Come... Grandma.
[Cheers and applause]
If I was a hero,
I'd probably be the kind of hero
who could catch your ass,
but can't hold you
till the police got there.
I think my archenemy
would be a guy named
Get The Fuck Off Me.
I got you!
"Get the fuck off me."
Come on, man,
stop playing around.
You committed a crime.
You got to go.
"Get the fuck off me,"
I said.
Don't touch me, motherfucker.
Got to be strong.
Ladies love to feel protected
at all times.
You got to protect your lady
whether you
in a grocery store, right?
Or you in a park,
or you in a club.
Ladies always want to feel
You know what I'm saying?
How's your lady, playboy?
Take care of your lady, man.
Take care of her ass, man.
You know what ladies love?
Ladies want to feel protected.
Know what they like?
When you make love to 'em,
pick 'em off the ground.
Give me some love
up in here.
Come on, player,
that's your shit.
That's your shit too, right?
I can tell.
You a big-ass dude.
You a big, strong-ass dude.
When you pick a woman
up in the air
and make love to her
like that...
ladies love it!
They love it!
They feel protected,
right, big man?
You strong as hell.
You got that
one-hand thing, right?
One hand, two seats, right?
One hand, two seats, right?
They love it.
They love it.
Put their arm around your neck.
"Oh, I love you so much.
Ah, I feel so protected.
I feel so safe."
You be like,
"Damn right. Bam."
You got to be strong, though.
Got to be strong.
Got to have
that kind of strength.
See, I don't have
that kind of strength,
you know what I'm saying?
My wife picked me up.
I be like, "God damn.
"Oh, you tearing daddy ass up!
Oh, this is crazy!"
That's some punk-ass shit
right there, right?
Your lady pick you up, right?
You're a grown-ass man.
Your damn legs is wrapped
around your lady's waist.
What kind of shit is this,
where you're...
"Ah. Ah.
Oh, you're tearing daddy
ass up, baby!"
You got a mirror. You can see
yourself in the mirror.
"Look at my stupid ass
in the mirror.
I can't look at myself
right now."
Your lady gonna put your
damn legs over her shoulders.
What kind of shit is this?
You're a grown-ass man.
"Ah, shit.
"Look at my stupid ass
in the mirror.
Old lady fucking
the shit out of me!"
[Cheers and applause]
Lady wants your ass strong.
They want you fucking strong.
We had a little incident
on our honeymoon.
People ask me how you get
in a position
where your lady picking
your ass up.
We were on our honeymoon.
We was going to Hawaii.
And I was like,
"Yeah! Whoo-whoo!"
She was like, "What's up?"
I said, "What's up, baby?"
She said,
"I want to ask you something."
I said, "What's up?
You know?
"What's up? What's up?
You know?
What's going down, baby?"
That's how the fuck I do, too,
in first class.
You in first class, you do
what the fuck you want to do,
you hear me?
There's no sign that says
you can't do this, right?
There's a sign that says
no smoking, right?
Put the seat belt on.
But there's no little X
through a Captain Morgan
motherfucker, like this.
Listen, I said,
"What's up, baby?"
My wife said,
"Uh, look here.
When we get to Hawaii,
I want to get freaky."
I said, "Okay, what's up,
what's up, what's up?"
"When we get to Hawaii,
I want you to make love to me
"and pick me off the ground.
Pick me up
and make love to me."
I said, "Look here, baby.
"I'm strong
for a minute at a time.
"After that first minute,
your life
is in your own hands."
That first minute,
you couldn't tell me shit.
Had my wife in the air,
tearing that ass up.
[Laughter and applause]
[Cheers and applause]
[Cheers and applause]
"You okay?"
"You all right?"
"What's the matter?
You don't want to do it
no more?"
I tore my wife ass up.
We had a romantic dinner
the next night.
Sitting there,
she mad as hell.
She had
a big-ass rug burn going.
My wife got me into yoga now.
I'm doing yoga.
That yoga's
something else, right?
I'm good for one day a year
with that shit.
Some people good.
Some guys are more flexible
than women.
I seen a dude who crossed
his fucking leg, right?
But he put his whole leg
around his waist first.
Then he put his shit like that.
I was like, "God damn,
you flexible."
You know you flexible when
you can put your fucking feet
in your pocket...
and walk home on your ass
like this.
I said, "Oh, shit!
"This dude is crazy.
He's mad flexible."
My wife done taught my damn dog
how to do yoga.
You know what I mean?
That's crazy, man.
You out there walking
your damn dog.
Your dog taking a piss
like this.
I'm like, "Yeah, he know yoga.
Yeah, he know yoga."
I feel safe when I come back
to New York, man.
I feel safe when I come here,
you know what I mean?
This is my town, man.
People go other places, man,
get surprised by crime.
You know what I mean?
Buddy of mine went to London,
went to fucking London,
got mugged in London.
That's some bullshit.
You travel your ass
all the way over there,
fucking eight hours?
You travel all the way
over there, right?
You left New York City,
the crime capital of the world.
Your ass go
all the way to London
and get your ass robbed
in London?
How you gonna get robbed
in London?
I didn't want to make him
feel bad.
But I said,
"Man, I'll be damned...
"if I'm gonna let a dude
rob my ass
wearing some Goddamn trousers."
"He wearing
some fucking knickers.
He robbed your ass
in knickers."
I would've gave him $45,
tell him,
"Here, go buy some baggy jeans
and come back,
"and I'll give you
the rest of the fucking money,
"'cause you ain't robbing me in
no tight-ass Goddamn trousers,
Take your fucking money
and make a getaway
driving on the left-hand side
of the fucking street,
sitting on the Goddamn right,
you know what I mean?
You like, "What the fuck
just happened?
"I got robbed
in a fucking mirror?
What the fuck
just happened to me?"
I'm enjoying this
fucking comedy shit too, man.
This is fucking fun shit, man.
[Cheers and applause]
What's up, big man?
Having a good time, big man?
Big man doing his thing,
right, big man?
Right? It ain't nothing better
than being that powerful, right?
You a powerful-ass dude, right?
Right? You'll fuck
somebody ass up, won't you?
Tell the truth.
You'll beat
somebody ass, right?
Tell the truth.
You'll beat somebody ass.
Hey, no, no, no,
you'll beat somebody ass.
No, I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you.
You'll beat somebody ass.
You'll beat somebody ass.
"Well, you know,
I fuck some people up, yeah."
Big people do
big Goddamn things,
you know what I'm saying,
big man?
Build a house.
Build a house, big man.
Build a house, right?
Knock a damn house down.
Be a repo man with no truck.
Let's take
a motherfucker's car.
You don't want to pay your car,
no, God damn it?
This is what the fuck happens.
This Goddamn car
going back to the bank!
I wish you would come out
that Goddamn house.
Think I give a fuck
about this car, huh?
This ain't nothing but a job
to me, bitch.
Don't be in the Goddamn window
yelling shit
out the Goddamn window.
Fuck your car.
If I was your size, man,
I'd take the world over.
Can't do shit with this body.
Can't do shit.
This body ain't worth shit
right here.
If I was, like, 6'9", 350,
I'd take the world over.
You hear me?
I fuck around and rob a bank
with my fist.
You know what time it is.
Put that money
in that Goddamn bag.
Everybody get on the ground,
or I'm gonna start knocking
your asses out.
You see this
in your fucking face?
I'll knock your ass out
with this.
You put that money
in that Goddamn bag...
or I'll put this
on your fucking face!
I wish you would press
that fucking button.
I get busted,
you gonna get busted
in your Goddamn face!
You big and strong.
You do what the hell
you want to do, right?
You ain't scared of shit,
right, playboy?
You ain't scared of shit, right?
You get to a grocery store
and don't give nobody
their damn change back.
Yeah, that's $3.99.
I have a 50.
Get the fuck out of my face!
My Goddamn change!
You don't get no change.
This store is called Profits.
That's all the fuck I make
around here is a profit.
Every big man need
a little man to hang out with.
Get yourself a little dude.
Little dudes love hanging around
with big-ass dudes, right?
It don't matter
what big man doing,
little dude be
right there, right?
Big man picking money up.
"You will get my Goddamn money,
and I want my money tomorrow."
And little dude be like,
"Yeah, get his Goddamn money,
or you gonna get fucked up."
Big man could be tapping
some ass, right?
Tearing that ass up.
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!
Little man be like,
"Yeah! Tear that ass up!
"My man fucking the shit
out your ass.
"Tear that ass up.
"Let me get
a piece of that ass.
"Let me get
a piece of this ass.
"Let me get a piece of this.
"She up here
laughing at me.
"I can't fuck her.
I can't fuck her.
"You fuck her.
I can't fuck her ass.
Tear that ass up!"
I'm old school too.
Some cats
real old school, right?
I saw a cat back there
old school.
Old school.
You old school.
People think gunplay
started, like, now.
These kids been shooting
and stuff.
They been shooting
since the '30s.
It just had
a little more class to it.
You got into a beef
with somebody,
you took their ass
to your own backyard.
You went back to back.
You go ten damn paces
like this.
You turn around
and shoot they ass.
You shoot them dead
in their motherfucking chest.
They tip their hat to the lady...
your derby.
You twist your mustache
like this.
You get on that bicycle
with the big-ass front wheel
and the little wheel
in the back,
and you ride the fuck off
like this.
Anybody here drink?
[Cheers and applause]
Got to be careful
what you drinking, man.
Got to make your own drinks up.
All I drink is, like, rum
and energy drinks
mixed together.
'Cause rum will tear
your ass up, right?
Rum will tear your... rum will get
you so damn drunk, right?
Put your energy drink
in there,
and you'll be too... so drunk.
But the energy drink
gives you energy,
so you're drunk,
but your ass can't fall.
You get that Segway balance,
that Segway balance.
Like this right here.
[Cheers and applause]
So many things
you got to do, man,
to keep your relationship going.
Your lady got to know
how to cook.
Her ass got to know
how to cook.
I don't mean fucking around.
You know,
I'm talking about real shit.
Shit that men
like to eat, right?
You ever eaten
some fried chicken
that was
so fucking horrible, right?
That was so terrible.
You fuck up fried chicken,
you ain't shit.
You ever taste
some damn chicken so horrible
that you wished the chicken
would show up at your house
and show your lady
how to cook him?
"Get the fuck out the way.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna show you
how to cook a piece of chicken."
He got to tie his own leg off.
Now pick that chicken leg up.
Pick it up!
Wash it off.
Wash it off.
Go in that damn cabinet.
Get the seasoning salt,
the paprika,
the salt, the pepper,
some flour, and a paper bag.
And hurry up.
This don't make
no Goddamn sense.
I got to show your ass
how to cook me?
Put the Goddamn frying pan
on the Goddamn stove.
Pour some Goddamn grease in it...
375, let it heat up.
This don't make
no fucking sense.
Wash that chicken off good...
'cause I could kill your ass
with salmonella.
I'm getting so weak.
Now put that chicken
in the Goddamn pan.
Let it cook 15 minutes
on one side,
then turn it
on the other side,
15 more minutes.
Oh, shit.
I'm blacking out.
I'm getting real weak here.
Oh, God.
Let it brown real good
on both sides.
When that chicken get done,
you come up here,
and you snap my neck.
And you rotisserie
the rest of me.
Now, don't fuck this up now.
475 in the oven, covered up
with aluminum foil.
[Cheers and applause]
Everybody got
a damn sex tape, right?
Everybody got a damn sex tape.
Nobody should be making
them Goddamn sex tapes.
Only reason you make sex tapes
is for quality assurance.
You and your lady
sit on that damn couch.
Y'all figure out
what the hell happened.
"See, now, look at that.
Look, look, look, look, look.
"You dry.
Your ass dry.
"You don't put no lotion
on your ass?
"Look at that.
Look, look, look, look, look.
"I'm tearing your ass up.
Was I hurting you?
"Did I hurt you like that?
"Did I hurt you when I put
your leg behind your head?
"Right there.
Yeah, uh-huh.
"Oh, shit.
Look, look, look, look.
"Junior came in the room.
Look, look, look, look.
"We didn't even hear his ass!
"We didn't even hear him
come in the room!
"We're still going!
Look at his fucking face!
"Look at Junior's face!
"Oh, shit!
"He called his sister!
They both standing like,
'What the fuck is y'all doing?"'
[Laughing wildly]
[Cheers and applause]
The world revolves...
around the man's johnson.
It does, whether you believe it
or not, ladies.
Look, you guys think that...
Women think they run
the world, right?
Like, a man has got to have
that stuff, right?
And we do got to have it.
But everybody avoids
the johnson.
You notice that?
On TV shows, movies,
you can catch a titty anywhere.
Can't catch no johnson nowhere.
People afraid
of the johnson, right?
They cut the johnson
out of everything, right?
The johnson's never there.
Even when a johnson's
supposed to be there,
a johnson ain't there.
Other day I'm home
watching TV, right? Right?
And I caught King Kong on TV.
That's a big-ass gorilla.
Big-ass gorilla.
This gorilla's huge.
This motherfucker climbed
the Empire State Building.
Watched the whole
Goddamn movie...
no fucking johnson.
You kidding me?
This ain't
no little fucking orangutan.
This a fucking monster,
a fucking monster of a gorilla.
I paused that movie
a thousand times.
He had his legs open
several times.
No, nothing, zero!
No johnson at all
in the movie.
He ain't got
no fucking pants on.
You fuck around
and put that johnson
in that Goddamn movie...
it's a whole different movie.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Kong.
Don't be alarmed,
ladies and gentlemen.
His chains are made of iron.
- [Roaring]
[Sirens blaring]
[Dramatic music]
[sirens continue blaring]
[Gunshots, screaming]
[Animal roaring]
[Dramatic music continues]
[Cheers and applause]
And that is how I dooz it.
[Hip-hop music]
- That's how I dooz it,
Yo, baby, I'm gangster slick
- Peace, y'all.
I love y'all.
Peace and love.
I'm J.B. Smoove, y'all.
Y'all be good.
Peace and love!
Y'all be good.
I love y'all!
[Cheers and applause]
Sometimes when you're done,
your ass ain't done.
Yeah, that's
how I dooz it, baby.
You rolling with me?
You rolling? You rolling?
We got it accomplished.
We got things done.
A lot of people don't know
how you dooz it
until you show them
how the hell you dooz it.
And you don't even know
what the hell you doing
until somebody dooz it
for your ass.