Jersey Shore Massacre (2014) Movie Script

I can't believe we gotta
do this shit, man.
This thing's been in the ground
three fuckin' months.
You know what
it's gonna smell like?
Yeah, I know.
Stop bitching and let's
just get this thing outta here.
I remember about 10 years ago,
I had to do the same shit.
I almost died
from the fucking stench.
Oh, God.
All right.
Let's do this.
Oh, fuck.
I'm gonna break my neck
out here.
Hey, Danny.
How much further?
Not far--
just keep walking.
What the fuck?
What is that?
Do you think some kind
of animal or something
could have did this?
How the fuck is an animal
gonna dig a hole like that?
Louie, gimme
that flashlight.
Come here.
Go down and see if there
is anything there.
Thank you.
Louie, help me out.
I'm not
a fucking kangaroo.
There ain't nothing
down here.
And I don't
smell nothing neither.
Really, Carmine?
You don't smell
a rat down there?
Big "V" sends his regards.
Louie, Louie, Louie!
Let's bury the rat and just
get the fuck outta here.
I don't even know
where the fuck we are.
Why'd we have to come all
the way out here to do this?
We've been burying pricks
like this out here for years.
If these woods could only talk,
we'd all be in the can.
Who's over there?
Danny, look out!
Danny, no!
That is so pretty,
you're gonna look so hot.
Pull it down, you don't wanna
give away the milk for free.
It'll get so much
lighter with the sun.
You have such a nice butt,
like J.Lo.
Right here.
Can somebody
pick up the phone?
Why don't you answer
the phone, bitch?
Don't you dare
call her bitch.
I'll shove
this curling iron
right up your fat
fucking ass, bitch.
I'll get the phone.
A Touch of Class,
Teresa speaking.
Hold on... Ricardo.
It's for you.
He says that his name
is Monty.
Excuse me.
Who do you think you are,
calling me at work?
Oh, no, and don't
ever call me again!
Ay, Dios mio.
I like this outfit--
Who's Monty?
Oh, some pig I met
online last night.
We were chatting for just
10 minutes and he expects me
to drive to his place
at 1:00 a.m.
I said, "No, you can't
just pick up the phone
"and send for me in
the middle of the night.
What do you think I am,
Pizza Slut?"
Mira, I have a picture
of the slob.
Is it the full Monty?
Yeah, that's the pig.
He's cute.
Should have
called me last night.
I deliver.
Listen, honey, unless
your pizza has pepperoni,
don't even bother
heating up your oven.
Come on, Dina.
I want to beat
the traffic.
All done.
Let me just
get my things.
Where the hell
are you two going?
Down the shore for a girls'
weekend of sun and sin.
Maybe the two of youse can
either drown
or get eaten by a shark and
make it a holiday for all of us.
Heh, or who knows?
Maybe we'll find a beached
whale and name her Christy.
Oh, sounds like fun.
And while you're
looking for Mr. Right,
Dina can sample all
the Mr. Right Nows.
You said it, not me.
I'm out of here.
I just kidding--
you know you fabulous.
You look so pretty.
You look so good.
I tell her that
every time.
It's like
a shelf up here.
They just hold up.
I don't know
how she does it.
I made it!
Oh, you're not
working today, Gigi.
You got that right.
Oh, chica, you too?
Wait, am I the only girl
not going?
Next time, we'll
invite you, I promise.
What am I gonna
do this weekend?
I don't know.
Maybe you should
ask Monty.
You get out of here,
Hello, Monty?
Yes, I'll taste
your chorizo.
Come on!
Come on, Gigi, let's go!
All right, Dina,
she's coming, she's coming.
Come on, Gigi, we want
to beat the traffic.
Okay, Seaside Heights,
here we come!
Michael, what are you
doing here?
I was just driving by, and I
saw your mother drop you off.
Where you going?
Not that it's any
of your business,
but I'm going down
the shore to see the girls.
Well, I might
be there too.
So maybe we should
all hook up.
That is so not happening,
I just don't want you
going down the shore
with a car
full of single girls.
Would you rather I go in
a car full of single guys?
Don't be stupid, Gigi,
you know you're still my girl.
Show me a little love.
It's not happening,
Now, go do something
with Tony and Fat Angelo,
and I'll call you
on Monday.
So it's like that?
Yeah, Michael,
it's exactly like that!
Yeah, it's like that.
What-- he's a dick.
Hey, fuck you,
fuck all youse!
You're gonna
regret this day, Gigi.
Remember I said that.
What's that
supposed to mean?
Means drop dead!
Fuck off, Michael!
What the fuck, Gigi?
I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing anymore.
I mean, one minute, I think
I love him, and then the next,
I wanna knock
his fucking head off
and throw it in the river.
Like right now?
Yes, I think so.
But he really is sweet,
though, don't youse think?
So are you single
or what?
Yeah, right now, I am.
You don't see no fucking ring
on my finger, do you?
No, but if you really think
that there's a chance
for you and Michael,
don't go hooking up
with every guy
in New Jersey
just to prove to yourself
you're single.
Fuck you, Dina!
No, no, no, no, no--
I'm with Gigi.
Until you're married, you
do whatever the hell you want
with whoever the hell
you want,
whenever the hell you want,
'cause guess what, Teresa?
Life's just
too fuckin' short.
Okay... next topic.
When are the girls
meeting us down in Seaside?
Uh, Joanne said that she,
Candi, and Val left Brooklyn
almost an hour ago, and
that Val's cousin Rosemarie
can't make it
till tomorrow night.
So in other words, they could
have stopped for hot dogs.
Or they're banging three guidos
at a turnpike rest stop.
Oh, my God, speak
of the fucking devil.
Almost fucking
killed us.
Oh, my God.
You should have seen the old
man's face at the toll booth.
He was so funny, ha!
Put your tops back on
and follow us.
Yeah, Jersey Shore!
Are you sure this is
the right house, Dina?
Yeah, I'm fuckin' sure.
Come on.
What do you think
you're doing here?
Excuse me?
This is our rental.
What are you
doing here?
Nice try, chonga.
This is our house,
so get the hell out.
Take your little
rat dog with you.
Who are you calling
chonga, bruja?
Don't be scared, Pico.
I won't let her
eat you.
I'm calling
all of youse chonga.
And I'm calling the owner
right now.
You no have to call, okay?
He lives right there,
and I just gave him our check.
We'll see about that.
Hello there, ladies.
I'm Ronnie-- what can
I do you for?
Yeah, Ronnie, we spoke
on the phone a month ago
to confirm our reservation
for the house this weekend.
Oh, yeah!
Your friend just gave me
a check, so we're cool.
Romero, right?
No... Romano.
Dina Romano,
you idiot.
You're not all together?
Uh, give me a minute.
Don't go away--
hold on, just wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here it is.
You're Romano.
They're Romero.
Romano, Romero, Romano
You're two different parties.
That explains everything.
Fine... so can you get those
chongas out of our house,
so we can finally
shower and unpack?
I'm afraid I can't do that,
and here's why.
You see, I already
gave them the keys,
and then now they
take over the house.
That's the law.
See, the house is not mine,
it's theirs.
I know it's
a little peculiar,
but it's how they
do it in Jersey.
Now that every house
and hotel are booked,
where are we
supposed to go?
Nice going, Ronnie.
You managed
to fuck us all.
Hold on--
hold on, hold on.
Why don't you guys
just stay here with me?
Uhh! Excuse me?
Look, I can find ways
of keeping you girls
reasonably... entertained.
I'll take that as a no.
Or I'll take it
as a maybe.
Their loss.
Okay, pot, it's you and me.
I don't speak Mexican
or Puerto Rican,
but I know they
definitely talking about us.
Fuckin' nightmare.
Hold on a second.
I'll be right back.
If that chonga gives me
one more look,
I swear,
I'm going to fuck her up.
Who would believe
that someone
could screw
something up so bad?
Are you trying to say
this is my fault?
Well, whose
fault is it?
Oh, my God, your
little fucking rat dog
just pissed on
my fucking leg!
Thanks for telling me.
I gotta go now
and disinfect his pee pee.
Oh, my God,
you're the best!
Thank you!
back in the car.
Where are we going?
My Uncle Vito's house.
Where's that?
About 15 miles
west of here.
Do any of youse
have a napkin?
Follow us.
Kiss my ass,
Gnaw on some meat?
Do they even know where we're
going, or are we just lost?
I'll tell you right now,
we're going straight
back to Brooklyn
if she thinks we're staying
at a fucking campsite
all weekend.
Your news for Ocean County.
Human remains
were found today
in the Pine Barrens section
of New Jersey.
According to detectives,
the victims
were alleged members
of the Rubino crime family.
Details of how this will
affect the upcoming trial
of Big "V" Rubino,
coming up.
This ain't no campsite.
Where the hell are we?
We're right at the edge
of the Pine Barrens,
that's where we are.
So where's
this Uncle Vito?
He's at his home
in Staten Island.
If he tries
leaving the house,
his ankle bracelet beeps,
the cops come,
and he could be put in jail.
So he's under
house arrest?
I mean,
what did he do?
You know,
he's an entrepreneur.
But because he's Italian,
they keep harassing him
for every single thing
he does.
It's this way.
Oh, wow.
Here we are.
You can put your stuff
down here.
Wow, look
at all this stuff.
This has all
the Belgian whistles.
You know, Teresa,
I know your uncle,
and I can't ever see him
buying a house like this.
It was willed to him.
Willed to him--
by who?
Some guy in
the entertainment industry
that he used to do
business with.
What happened to him?
Uh, no one really knows.
But since my uncle has business
in New York and Philly,
he kept this place because
it's located
right in the middle.
What about the people
that live around here?
My uncle says
they're not really friendly,
unless they're trying
to sell you things.
Well, obviously,
they would be jealous,
seeing how they live,
and then seeing all of this.
It's pretty awesome--
the only thing
we're missing now is a Jacuzzi.
Hey, even better.
Swimming pool!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Not too bad, right?
Wow, you guys, we could
totally go swimming later.
You guys can go.
It's kind of dirty.
Should we call someone
to clean it?
Uh, no.
I just have to clean
the leaves off
with the skimmer
and change the filter.
Where did that come from?
He had to come
from the lake.
What lake?
Um, I think it's...
that way.
Come on, I'll show you.
Come on,
little guy.
This is not a good idea.
Be free, little guy.
Saved your life.
That's not funny!
Teresa can't swim!
She has a serious fear
of water, you stupid bitch!
Fuck you, Dina.
If you didn't fuck up
the beach house,
we wouldn't be here
right now.
I'm sorry, Teresa.
It's okay.
Let's just go back
to the house and unpack.
You okay?
Yeah... I'm okay.
Okay, so there's
plenty of rooms.
I'll room with Dina.
Gigi with Joanne, and Valerie
and Candi can share a room.
Uh-uh, I'm not
rooming with Candi.
Why not?
'Cause she farts in
her sleep.
I do not.
Yeah, you do.
Okay, I'll stay
with Candi,
and Dina can
stay with Valerie.
I'll just have to keep
my window open all night.
Knock it off.
Where's my cousin
gonna sleep?
Uh, if she shows up,
she can have the couch.
All right, let's go.
Come on,
my little stinker.
Oh, stop it.
This freaking bag
is so...
Just be careful.
They already started
renovating downstairs.
Sorry, Teresa.
Was that expensive?
You're not going
to unpack?
Ugh, I'm so fucking tired,
I'll do it later.
What's that?
What do you think it is?
I know what it is,
but really?
Did you actually think
you would need that thing
down the shore--
I mean, you might as well
bring sand to the beach.
Well, I don't leave home
without it, and don't touch it.
Yeah, 'cause I'm just dying
to touch that skuzzy thing.
My name is Edgar.
Would you like to try
some of my sausages?
No, thank you, Edgar.
Yeah, none of us
eat meat.
Yeah, we're all
All you girls look
so pretty and shiny.
Are you
all sisters?
I never had sisters.
I have a brother--
he's a asshole.
No, we're not sisters,
but, um,
it was nice
meeting you, Edgar.
So instead of watching
hot-looking guys
with washboard stomachs
on the beach,
we're gonna
hang out with Edgar,
the 300-pound
axe murderer, instead.
Just because he's big,
sloppy, and weird
doesn't make him
an axe murderer.
So what are we
doing tonight?
I'm getting bored.
I'm not driving
all the way back
to the shore
in that traffic again.
Fine, Teresa, what
do we do around here?
Well, forget about going
to a bar or a club.
Those things don't
exist around here.
Mm, there was
that sign down the road
for that Jersey Devil
Are you kidding me?
Walking around
in the woods,
listening to
stupid ghost stories.
Well, we can either do that
or stay here all night
while Edgar leers
at us through the windows.
Who knows, maybe we'll
meet some hot guys.
Good evening, ladies.
Would you like to take
the, uh, Jersey Devil tour?
How much for
the six of us?
Uh... $7.50 apiece.
Screw that--
we want a discount.
Uh, $50 for the six
of us.
All right, soon as all
your group is here,
we'll have Junior
take you on your tour.
Is it scary?
Scares the tar outta me.
Great, let's
fucking go then.
Okay, let's go.
Okay, I hope we're all
keeping our eyes open
for the Jersey Devil.
What can you tell us
about the...
creepy people living
in the Pine Barrens,
like cannibals,
called Pineys?
Well, there are people
that live around here.
Yeah, we heard there are
a few dozen Piney families
who are all inbred,
and very hostile
towards outsiders,
living just about
a mile down the road.
Now that's creepy.
Hey, Junior?
Where do you live?
'Bout a mile
down the road.
Now, believe it or not,
the Jersey Devil
was the 13th child
of a woman named Deborah Leeds
who emigrated
from London, England
here to the New Jersey
Pine Barrens in the 1700s.
Moving here from London
and all,
was she able
to learn English?
That's a pretty good
I'll have to
get back to you on that.
But anyway, during
a very difficult
and painful labor,
Mrs. Leeds
invoked the devil.
And when the baby was born,
it immediately grew into
a full-grown winged devil!
And then escaped
from the house
out into
these Pine Barrens.
Who keeps
hitting my ass?
No touching.
that's disgusting.
There are have been hundreds
of Devil sightings
throughout the years.
I think these girls
like us.
There are six of them
and three of us,
so you know
what that means?
Oh, my God.
This could be the greatest
night of our lives!
Shh-- let's try
to keep them scared,
so that they cling on to us
for safety, and then...
Back to the RV!
This is gonna be
so amazing! in 1909
by Councilman Wheaton,
who heard flapping wings
outside his bedroom window
one night,
and then the next morning,
found large, cloven
footprints in the snow.
Uh, m-my name is Henry.
Uh, what's yours?
Oh, nice to meet you.
Um, are you girls headed
to the Sci-Fi Expo in DC?
Uh, if so, we could
all go together.
Are you serious?
Sure, uh...
We even have a DVD player,
a microwave,
and a queen-sized bed.
Val, wait until
you hear this.
I think she's going
to get all her friends
to come along also.
Try to keep them
Okay, okay.
Hundreds of people have heard
the Jersey Devil
rampaging through
the woods while shrieking.
Or making
blood-curdling cries.
Some call it
the Leeds Devil.
Some call it the Wozzle Bug.
And others call it
the Hoodle-Doodle Bird.
Either way, no one comes
out here alone at night.
Oh, God, I'm really
feeling scared.
I want to get
out of here.
What are you
worried about?
I feel like we're
being watched,
and I'm starting
to freak out a little.
Yeah, you guys,
I wanna go back.
Why don't you girls give us
your-- your email addresses
so we can put it
on our phones now?
Uh, it's getalife...
What's with
the mixed messages?
I don't know.
But it seems like every girl
we meet has the same problem.
Oh, damn!
Oh, my God, somebody
give me their belt!
I gotta make
a tourniquet!
Oh, my God!
Welcome to the country,
You kidding me?
We're getting the fuck
outta here!
That was so uncalled for!
Let me go!
Come on, don't be upset.
It was all in fun.
F-U-N, fun.
No, it's stupidity.
S-T-U... pidity!
Are you okay, Val?
I want to
get outta here.
I don't like
being scared.
Let's go.
Hey, later, girls.
Yeah, that's
fucking great, man.
Hey, you ready, Gigi?
No... you guys
go ahead.
Mike's gonna come
pick me up later.
I really need
to see him tonight.
I'm sorry.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
She's ditching us for
that loser again, isn't she?
She seems to love him,
so let her do what she wants.
I don't buy that--
I think Michael
just knows how
to manipulate Gigi.
He turns her into, like,
his little mental prisoner.
Yeah, kind of like
Stockholder Syndrome
or something.
Hey, bitches,
you want some pound cake?
Oh, yeah,
I'll take some.
I can't even
look at that.
Are you dieting, Val?
I'm going to.
I just took five
laxatives last night
to help get my stomach down
for the weekend.
Oh, my God.
That really isn't
good for you, you know.
Ugh, well, I don't wanna
look like a stuffed sausage
all weekend either.
Sure you don't want some?
You're just gonna
shit it out anyway.
I wanna have a six pack
for the yum yums.
Yum yums.
Yum yum yums!
It's hot as fuck
in here.
a jellyfish!
Don't touch that.
You could get stung
very badly by it.
Yeah, ouchie.
Yo, yo, yo, yo!
Oh, my God!
That took me all morning
to build!
Well, build it
somewhere else.
The thing just made me
drop the ball.
Are you kidding me?
You have the entire beach
to play on!
Because the people
is over there,
and if we play over there,
no one's gonna be able
to see us right there.
So why don't you pick up
all your sand and move it?
Over there!
You feeling me?
And take your faggot-ass pail
and shovel with you.
What you looking at?
There's no
fucking parking.
Well, if you
didn't make us late,
we would have been here
two hours ago.
Fuck you, Joanne.
Can you both
please stop it now?
Stay the fuck outta this,
Yeah, shut the fuck up,
Don't tell her
to shut the fuck up.
Who the fuck are you?
Bunch of pains
in the asses.
All right, guys,
calm down.
We're already here.
Ah, there's a space.
Give me
the handicapped pass
in the glove compartment,
just in case.
We're not disabled.
Just limp a little
when you walk out.
Here we are.
I was dying for one
of these corndogs.
Me too.
Me three.
Hey, what about
your diet?
I don't wanna
starve to death.
Why don't we set up
over here?
I see where we should go.
Yo, throw the ball!
Freddy, you asshole!
Ooh la la!
Let's go, girls!
Come on!
Let me out!
Gigi, get over here!
I'm not done
with you yet!
Well, I'm done with you,
and if you know
what's good for you,
get your ass off Teresa's
uncle's property.
Gigi-- you little bitch,
get over here!
You know what,
I'm done with you!
Stop following me, Michael!
I have to tell you,
Despite the mix-up
with the house,
I think this is gonna
be a really good weekend.
No, please, please!
Help me!
No, stop, please!
Stop, let me go!
And if not for you,
we would have had
to have turned back yesterday
and miss all of this.
No, no, no!
Thank you.
You don't have
to thank me.
We're all
in the same boat.
That didn't take long.
No, it didn't.
I have to say.
We gotta step up
our game.
Ah, ow!
Teresa and Dina...
This is... Tony, Joey,
Gino, Vinnie,
and Freddy.
Oh, wow.
What is that?
It's a mime.
A what?
What is he doing?
Why is he
wearing that?
Dude, there's
no window there.
He's just pretendin',
He is cute.
I don't get it, either.
Oh! Aww...
Now he's hitting on her.
Now get the fuck
outta here, Bozo.
He's doing you, Gino!
Gino, that's you.
You gonna take that,
Yeah, keep going.
One punch!
Good night, motherfucker!
Now get the fuck
outta here...
...before I throws you
a real beatin'!
Who's going in
the water with me?
I am, let's go!
Yo, Gino,
go out for a pass.
Hey, wanna
catch some crabs?
Hey, we're going
to the Barnacle Club later
if you guys wanna come.
There's something
so relaxing,
you know, and elegant
about the beach.
You know what I mean?
I just love the fresh air.
Those guys were kinda hot,
don't you think?
They were definitely
hot for you.
Ooh, yum yum yum.
Oh, my God!
Oh, I have to go!
Go where?
Uh, the laxatives
are kicking in.
I have to go to the bathroom
right now!
Oh, my God, oh, quick,
run up to the boardwalk
and find a restroom!
Aah! Aah!
Get out of the way!
I gotta go!
Oh, my God!
Oh... my...
Look, Daddy,
sea shells.
Come on, Valerie.
We've gotta get ready
for tonight!
Hey, you got
any more corndogs?
All right, we got dollar
Jersey Devil shots
for the next two minutes,
so go to the bar
and get you some!
Here's to the king.
What king?
So, fellas, who's gonna
pay for all these drinks?
He is.
He is.
You are.
You are.
I'm paying for the cab.
I always
pay for the cab!
No, you pay
for the drinks.
Hey, you watch
yourself there.
You gotta be faster than
that to stay in the ring
with the Staten Island
Stallion, puh-puh-puh!
Man, you got it
all wrong.
If you weren't my boy,
you wouldn't even make it
to the ring.
End of story,
Who's next?
You never popped
How the fuck
do you know?
'Cause I've known you
since we were 12,
and you have such
a big fucking mouth that
half of Staten Island
would have known about it.
There would have been
billboards along the highway
saying, "Gino Digideo
whacked some dude.
Paid for by Gino Digideo."
I like it.
I like it.
Yeah, let's do
some more shots, buddy.
Let's get some more--
which ones?
What the fuck?
I'll tell you
what the fuck.
That's for drugging and raping
my friend Tammy last week,
you fucking dirty scumbag.
Yo, I don't even know
what you're talking about.
Yes, you do,
and two other people
saw you drop a fucking
pill in her drink.
Yo, that bitch was DTF,
so get the fuck outta my face
before I smack your mouth.
I bet you would,
you fucking dirty scumbag.
Get the fuck out of here,
you slut.
You can't do that
in here, come on.
You're out.
Get off of me!
you little twat.
Works every time.
Yo, bro, we gotta get
another bottle of that shit.
All right, my guy's
coming in next week.
I'll get a shitload.
How you doing?
If I was you,
I'd be stalking me too.
Oh... well, let's have
a couple more drinks
and see
who's stalking who.
After you.
Thank you.
Right now, I'm just
working on my demo,
trying to get signed to a label,
you know what I'm saying?
Get a label.
What the fuck are you
laughing at, Dominic?
Look at you, kid.
Who we kidding?
You can't sing,
you can't rap.
You can't even play
a God damn instrument.
How the hell is a record
company gonna sign you?
'Cause I'm
that fucking down!
Besides, what the fuck
do you know about records?
You're just a part-time manager
at a nightclub.
If I need the urinals
or some shit cleaned,
I'll give you a call.
You don't know
who the hell I am.
That's the point.
We don't know
who the fuck you are,
and nobody else does either.
I'll be back.
So, I was just down
in the ladies' room,
and it's, like, totally
empty down there.
Like, two people
could totally have sex
and no one would know,
that-- that would
be wrong, right?
Oh, no.
Yo, yo, yo, for the first time
in over two decades,
give it up
for the one, the only,
Jersey's own Italian Ice!
Hey yo!
New Jersey, make some
motherfucking noise!
Come on!
Kick it, DJ!
Let's roll
We're about to get nice
With the one,
the only
No phony, Italian Ice
What the fuck
is Italian Ice?
I got more fans
than the Mona Lisa
When the ladies see me,
they all scream nice
Everybody wants
some Italian Ice
"Italian Ice.
"Born Dominic DiLallo in 1966.
Had a minor regional hit
in 1991 called 'Melt.'"
I'll make you melt
Melt, ooh, ooh
Melt all over my face,
"But he's best known
for his unsuccessful lawsuit
against Vanilla Ice
for stealing his career."
Melt all over
my face, yeah
Hey, Freddy,
that's you in 20 years.
"Ha ha ha ha"--
screw you!
I'm Italian Ice
Yo, DJ, get nice
I've got such bad
butt cringe,
I think my ass
is gonna crack in half.
New Jersey,
Italian Ice is back!
Suck my balls,
Vanilla Ice.
Stupid douche.
What the fuck are you
looking at, bitch?
Oh, yeah!
Security to the dance floor,
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
Get the fuck
off of me!
Hey, all right!
Fuck the police!
Fuck the police!
Hey, come on, come on.
Hey, youse is all
suspended from the club
for the rest of the summer.
But they started it!
Yeah, but you threw
your drink at her.
It spilled!
Ah, get the fuck
outta here.
We can't go out like this,
so let's just go back
to the house.
Fuck it.
Hey, where youse goin'?
Back to our house--
you coming?
Yeah, we're going.
Yeah, we're going.
Just follow us.
Come on.
Let's have
some fun now!
How many times have you been
banned from this club before?
Ah, I've been banned,
like, three times.
Three times--
no way!
Shh! Shh...
What the hell was that?
Someone's in the house.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Rosemarie!
Val's cousin.
Valerie, there you are!
Everyone, this
is Rosemarie, my cousin.
I texted her
the address this morning.
I forgot to tell you.
Uh, how did you
get in here?
The sliding glass door
was unlocked,
so I just came in
and made me some dinner.
Oh, God, was I starving.
By the way, you're
gonna need some more
Super Fudge ice cream
and beef jerky.
Yo, this place
is fuckin' hooked!
A little out of the way,
but hooked.
What happened
to Gigi?
She should have
been back here by now.
Maybe Rosemarie
ate her.
Watch it,
that's my cousin.
Where do you
keep the liquor?
Screw that,
where's the food?
I'll nuke some
fried chicken.
He's hungry.
"Fat Camp Massacre!"
This is supposed to be
the best movie ever!
Oh, yeah, yeah, put it on.
Hey, I want a leg!
I want breast!
I just want
a piece of ass!
Oh, yeah...
I smell pizza.
I told you already.
Stop thinking about food,
and go back to sleep, Keith.
If they catch you eating
at night one more time,
they're gonna
kick you out.
I don't care about that.
I smell pizza,
I'm starving--
I'm gonna find it.
Ohh, I finally
found you, cupcake.
Now where's
that fucking pizza?
I'm starving!
Oh, my leg!
I wouldn't mind being
stuck in a bear trap
alone in the woods
if it was with you.
Ooh, who needs
a bear trap
when I have handcuffs
in my bedroom,
you sexy little ape, you?
You little freak!
Oh, my God!
Later, boys.
Who are you?
I'm Cupcake the Clown.
And you just ate my cupcake.
So now it's time to cut a few
calories the old-fashioned way!
Get me outta here,
Come on,
get me outta here!
I'd smack that clown
so fucking hard,
he'd be begging me
to stop.
Where are you taking me,
you big ape?
To the bedroom.
We just passed it.
Put me down!
So... do you
have a girlfriend?
No, sweet tits.
I don't get burned
like that.
So why don't you
do me a favor--
go into that bedroom.
I'm going to the shower
and rinse off, okay?
The Electro Beam 300?
Ba ba!
You little freak.
Oh, no.
I'm a prisoner.
Please, don't hurt me.
I just wanted a slice!
Yo, get that
fat piece of shit!
Yeah, cry like
a little bitch, fat boy.
I can't take this shit.
Who wants
to take a swim?
Let's go.
Ha ha ha!
Prepare to die!
Wait for me!
I could totally see you
as becoming a lawyer.
You know why?
You got eyes just like
the guy from "Law and Order."
Yeah, so maybe that's
what I should do--
becoming a backstabbing lawyer
and make a lot of money.
What about you?
I could be
your secretary.
I got lots of really
sexy dresses and nice boobs,
and I'm really good
at answering the phone.
Val, Dina.
Come over here
so I can show you
the new pictures
of Mr. Wiggles.
Mr. Wiggles!
You sit tight there.
Who the fuck
is Mr. Wiggles?
pet ferret!
Wanna see it?
Isn't he sweet?
This is me and Mr. Wiggles
in the shower.
Dude, what the fuck is wrong
with these fucking girls?
I love that one!
I'm not fucking putting up
with this shit no more.
See, he's got
a personality like a person.
Where do you two
think you're going?
I'm taking my secretary...
to the boardroom.
He wants me
to take dick-tation.
Oh, shut up.
Get lost.
We're trying to have
a conversation.
Freddy, come here.
I don't know, I got
a math question
I'm trying
to figure out.
Just get over here.
What do you want?
Look, Tony wants
to get with Dina.
I wanna get with Teresa,
and you wanna get
with Valerie, right?
Well, there's
four of them,
and there's three of us.
So you know
what that means?
No one is gonna get
with anyone
until we figure out a way
to extract the grenade.
Make it three on three.
Hey, girls, girls,
you guys--
you guys
want a doughnut?
No, the doughnuts
are for you, honey.
We get it-- you like to eat
fuckin' doughnuts all the time.
No fucking way.
I'm not taking
one for the team
for the fifth fucking
time in a row.
Oh, come on, Freddy.
We got a better idea.
Just start talking
to her as if you like her,
and pretend you're interested
in what she says, right?
Ask her to take you
to the store,
like you gotta go
get something.
Yeah, use my car.
Now, when you get a few miles
down the road,
just open the door,
let her out, and drive away.
Yeah, but then when
she finds her way back,
they're all gonna hate us.
We'll be done.
Yeah-- Tony
will be smashing Dina,
I'll be hooking up
with Teresa,
and Valerie,
she'll be all yours.
Youse are good.
Go get 'em.
Watch this.
What are you guys
talking about over there?
Tony just wanted to find out
the square route of 37,
so I figured I'd
help him out, you know?
Oh, okay.
You must be good
with numbers.
I know a perfect 10
when I see one.
You're so sweet.
I never got to tell you
about my ferret,
Mr. Wiggles.
Oh, yeah,
I'm so interested.
Please, tell me.
Well, every Christmas,
I dress him up in
a ballerina costume.
Oh, nothing,
I just wish I had a cigarette
when we talked about
Mr. Wiggles.
We could drive into town
to get a pack, if you want.
Yeah, that's
a great idea!
Then we could
smoke cigarettes
and talk about
Mr. Wiggles all night!
Let's go!
Oh, you nasty
little bitch.
Oh... oh.
Oh, fuck yeah.
I have a hamster
named Buzzy that--
Oh, wow,
that's fucking amazing.
He knows how to swim.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing, just, uh,
catching up on some emails.
That's cool.
So, uh, you get
good reception out here?
Yeah, it's not too bad.
Oh, really?
So, um...
What's wrong?
Nothing, I'm just
hanging out, you know?
It's all good,
It's, uh...
You're gonna have fun,
come on.
Yeah, I'm having
a good time.
Just relax.
I'm pretty relaxed.
Just relax.
What the fuck?!
What the hell was that?
What the fuck?!
What, you don't wanna
be with me?
No, why would you think
I'd wanna be with you?
'Cause every other bitch
in New Jersey
would kill
to wife me up!
Wife-- really?
'Cause if I was
married to you,
I'd put poison in your
orange juice every morning!
Yeah, well, if I
was married to you,
I'd drink it,
you fuckin' bitch!
So, uh, is Buzzy
a boy or a girl hamster?
So how much longer
to the store?
Couldn't be much further.
Oh, my God,
you see that?
See what?
Looked like a little puppy
dog-- it crossed the road.
A puppy dog?
Yeah, it looked
like it was lost!
Stop the car!
I think it ran
into the cow pasture!
Oh, God, I hope the cows
don't eat him!
Oh, my God!
Freddy, you asshole!
There's so many hot gorilla
juiceheads in here,
I don't wanna leave yet.
Hey, where's Rosemarie?
Uh, she saw
an all-night buffet
and decided to go back
for a midnight snack.
Where's my shot?
Hey, wingman!
Oh, yeah!
Vinnie, you
fucking asshole!
Fuck all of youse.
I need a smoke.
Yo, hey, come back
here, you pussy!
What'd you have, two bowls
of stupid this morning?
Oh, that was a good one.
Yo, that was dope.
Why do they keep
flying into it
when they see their friends
exploding all over the place?
Just mindless life forms
following the light
into the darkness.
Hey, anybody
home in here?
Hey, where'd Freddy go?
He had a hissy fit
and took off.
Oh, he's got
my fucking keys!
You just gonna
leave me here?
Screw him.
Ah, quiet, bitch.
Screw you.
Hey, Freddy!
What's he doing?
Dropping dead, I hope.
Hey, I'm starving.
What do we got
to eat?
I got some hot dogs
in the fridge.
Hot dogs?
I'm all over
that shit.
Hey, Freddy,
you fucking dickhead!
Where are you?
Where the fuck
are you?
If he's fucking with me,
I'm gonna throw him a beatin'.
So, yeah, I do, like,
about 1,000 push-ups
every day.
I need to eat now.
get the barbecue going
while I get the other
stuff ready.
All right.
Kill me.
Please kill me.
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
I thought I heard
something outside.
It's probably just
the guys horsing around.
There it is again.
Why don't you see if they
want anything to eat?
Yeah, Val, I'm starving.
All right.
I'll be right back.
Told you I was hungry.
Stop horsing around.
Hey, how many dogs
am I supposed to be
making out there?
We don't know yet.
Where the hell
is Valerie?
So, Dina, whose house
is this anyway?
It's Teresa's
Uncle Vito's house.
And who's Uncle Vito?
Vito Rubino.
Teresa's uncle
is Big "V" Rubino?
Isn't he in jail?
He's under house arrest,
but I wouldn't bet
on too many witnesses
testifying against him.
That's it.
I gotta go find
where these meatballs are.
I'll be right back.
Hurry up.
Yo, Freddy, Vinnie!
Teresa's uncle
is Big "V" Rubino.
We gotta get the fuck
outta here!
Hey, you dickheads
in there?
What the fuck?
I'm gonna go and straighten
things up around the pool.
You want a hand?
No, I got it, um...
could you clean things up
around here
and see when
everyone would like to eat?
I bet they'll be dying
to eat by now.
Yah! Ohh!
Bunch of pigs.
You guys want
something to eat?
Dina! Dina!
Joey and Joanne!
They're dead.
So is Gigi!
What about Candi and Gino?
I don't know...
I don't know.
They have to still
be in their room.
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Dina, open the door!
Dina, help me!
Help me.
Oh, my God,
what's going on?
I don't know--
call 9-1-1.
Uncle Vito?
Uncle Vito, pick up!
Yeah, somebody's
trying to kill us!
Quick, open the door!
Dina, it's stuck!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Come on--
come on, get up!
Get up... run!
Let's get out of here!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
Oh, holy shit.
Oh, God.
Where are the fucking keys?
Come on!
Come on!
Let us in!
It's locked!
Come on!
Come on.
Where's the fucking
light switch?
I don't know.
I got it!
Go, go, go!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
Come on, come on!
My God!
Where the fuck can we go?
We can't use the cars,
and he'll catch us in the woods.
If we can get to the rowboat,
we can take it
to the middle of the lake,
where he can't reach us.
You know I can't swim!
If I fall in,
I'll drown!
Jesus Christ, Teresa,
he's gonna kill us!
Who are you?
Troy, my name is.
It's a Jersey thing.
Dina, look out!
What's wrong?
Tell me what's wrong!
Everybody's dead!
Is there anybody else?
In the house.
All right, stay here.
Backup and the ambulance
are on the way.
Stay right here.
Dennis, come on.
I'm Officer Davis.
Do you need any kind
of medical assistance?
Go check inside!
Okay, I need you to tell me
everything that happened.
I need to see Dina!
No, no, no.
You can't go in there.
You need to stay
out here with me.
I'll take care of this one.
Check the rest of the barn
for me.
He's got a pulse!
Help me
get the gurney.
Help me!
Fuck! Oh, fuck.
What the fuck happened?
Man, I was nervous.
Gordon to Davis.
Hold on.
Davis, go.
How do I explain this?
I have an 11-71.
I think you should
get over here right now.
I'm on my way.
I need you to stay
in this spot, okay?
I'll be right back.
Plant this in his hands.
We'll just say it was
self-defense, all right?
All right, cool.
Good looking out,
Dex, look at this.
How am I supposed
to say that?
Some weird shit
going on here, man.
This can't be the guy.
Wasn't this guy
missing an eye?
Get over here right now.
Take that, motherfucker!
Come back here,
you bitch!
I'll gut ya like a pig!
I'll turn your insides
into sausage!
Row, row,
row your boat
Get over here right now.
Get over here right now.
Uncle Vito!
Uncle Vito!
He was gonna kill me,
just like he killed Dina
and everyone else.
gonna be all right.
How did you get here
so fast?
When Edgar called, we knew
something was wrong.
Last week, two of my guys
went missing down here,
and when you called,
said you were coming down
for the weekend, I asked
Edgar to keep an eye on you.
He left me this message
an hour before you called.
Mr. V., my brother's
lost his fuckin'
mind today.
Turned our barn into
a fuckin' slaughterhouse.
Give me the phone,
you big idiot.
Troy, no!
Oh, my God.
Promise me I'll never have
to see this place again.
I promise, Princess.
Never again.
Never again!
It's so beautiful out here,
and I love all this nature,
but don't you miss
your beach house
down by the shore?
What beach house?
After the storm,
there was nothing left.
So I took the insurance money,
and I bought all of this.
No way.
You own all of this?
This must have
cost you a fortune.
A fortune?
The little mobster
who used to own it
was so anxious to sell it,
he practically gave it away.
So I wound up spending
pennies to buy
a fully renovated,
cool-as-balls home with a lake!
Tell me I'm not
the luckiest guy in the world.
That's why I like you,
'Cause you're smart
and you're classy.
Ohh... life is good.
Oh, my God!
That's a huge gun!
And it's always fully loaded.
Here, little puppy.
Come out, come out
wherever you are.
Come here, little puppy.
Don't let the cows eat you.