Jimmy Carr Live (2004) Movie Script
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
Well, Thanks very much.
Before we even start,
l suppose I'd better warn you
that in my act
there is certain amount of bad language.
I'm not talking about split infinitives.
There will be some swearing and there is
some material of a sexual nature.
So if you are offended
by rude or crude material, For heaven sake
don't be a cunt about it.
l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago
I got talking to a girl in front row
and asked a girl her name.
She said, "Pataka." I said, " That's an
unusual name, You don't hear that every day."
To which She replied, "Actually, I do."
I don't know. Does anyone in here
use Vodafone products by any chance?
Any one?
- YEAH, YES
Mainly people over there.
l imagine that's where
the reception is best, is it?
l don't use Vodafone products.
Not because they are not good products
Im sure they're reasonably priced
I'm sure they work reasonably well.
But I don't use them because
l don't like their advertising slogan.
Its: "Join the world's
largest mobile community."
Now Correct me if Im wrong,
That's the gypsies.
No offence to you.
If you want to dress in that manner and live
in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.
l can't believe you went like that.
Well done. Good.
- What's your name?
- Scott.
Don't feel bad about
everyone laughing at you Scott. Sorry
You and I both know
they all need clothes pegs.
There'll always be work
for people like Scott to avoid.
My father used to say: "whatever
doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Till the accident.
Feminists say... and you may agree
with this, you may not.
Feminists say:
"A woman's work is never done."
Maybe if they got themselves
organized, it'd be better.
A bit of an icy stare there, madam.
What you gotta understand
That is post modern misogyny.
That joke is in fact steeped in irony.
So Don't you worry
your pretty little head about it.
l had one of those "serious relationship"
conversation the other week
With my girlfriend Where She sat me down
and talked at me for about six hours.
l hadn't realized until then that
when a man says he is "spoken for"
That is quite literally what he means.
She said to me: "Jimmy, We're at
a crossroads in our relationship.
"Down one road is hard work and
commitment but, ultimately, happiness.
"And down the other road,
well, the other road is a dead end."
And I said, "That's not a crossroads,
that's a T-junction."
Im glad you laughed.
She went fucking mental.
l should point out
at this early stage in the show
that despite my dress
and general demeanour,
I'm not gay.
Unless you're from Newcastle,
and by "gay" you mean "owns a coat".
You're looking a bit disappointed there
Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.
No hard feelings.
Sorry, I don't want to spoil the mood.
I'm not you know...
I'm not homophobic.
I'm not scared of you.
it's fine. Obviously, Some people
are straight, some are gay. That is fine.
I'm what you might call a "stray".
I'm straight, but I'm socially gay.
l notice when a female friend
changes her hair or buys new shoes.
But I won't accept your cock in my arse.
It's less of a joke, it's just something
l wanted to make absolutely clear.
l get the feeling by that look on your face
l may have misjudged this situation.
You either look hard or gay.
Hopefully not both.
You look as if
you want to take me outside.
I'm not entirely sure why.
l suppose either way I'm buggered.
I'm sure you will have ascertained
I'm quite middle-class
and I'm from the Home Counties.
So I don't have an accent.
This is just how things sound
when they're pronounced properly.
Not that there's anything wrong
with being working-class...
These days.
being working-class is very much
like masturbation.Nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course,
it's nothing to be proud of either.
And both give you calluses
on your hands.
Sting the popular singer:
Sting's often bragging about his
eight-hour sex sessions with his wife Trudy.
Imagine how long he'd be able
to keep it up if she was a looker.
In Japan they believe
that tiger penis improves fertility,
but I think if you really
want to get pregnant,
you're best off using a man's cock.
My best mate's girlfriend
is six months pregnant.
They said,
"Do you want to feel the baby?"
On reflection,
l think they meant on the outside.
They say travel broadens the mind.
Except with Americans,
where it tends to widen the arse.
Lot of people quote the fact that only ten
per cent of Americans have passports.
Thing is They say it like it's a bad thing.
Don't get the wrong idea
I've got nothing against Americans,
It's just one came up to me after
the show a couple of weeks ago
and he said he thought
l was pay-tronising.
l said, "l think you'll find
that's pronounced pat-ronising."
It means
when you talk down to someone.
Don't worry.
I'm not being condescending
I'm far too busy thinking about
important things you wouldn't understand.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this
Did you know?
You're ten times more likely to get
mugged in London than in New York City.
It's because you don't live
in New York City.
My favourite news story last year
came from America. I'm sure you all saw it.
It was about a man in Utah,
an American man.
He was out rambling in the wilds of
Utah, the beautiful desert landscape
There was a rock fall and his hand
was trapped under a boulder.
He had to sever his hand
in order to walk to freedom.
Incredible story about human courage.
Did you all see that story?
l can't believe anyone saw it and
didn't ask themselves the question
Cos I think it does beg the question:
"Would I be able to do that?"
I gave it quite a lot of thought
and I think Yes I would be able to do that
What do I care
about an American's hand?
If it's life or death,
I'll cut his fucking head off.
The other story that sort of
tickled me from America
Not quite as inspiring
I'll be absolutely honest with you
was the story of an English woman
and an American man.
This made the papers
earlier in the year
They were flying from JFK to London
Heathrow, never met each other before.
Flying at First Class.
They just knew each other for 8 hours
They were arrested
as they came in to land at Heathrow.
The reason They were arrested
because the lady was fellating the man.
It means sucking off.
As they came in to land, lady was
fellating the man. I prefer a boiled sweet.
l can't quite imagine how that happened.
Presumably at some point she turned to him
and said: "My ears are popping.
"Have you got a boiled sweet?"
And he said, "No, but I've got an idea."
Now have we got anyone from around
the country? Is any one in from The North?
- (Several people shout)
- Quite a few of you.
I ask you What's the point of a
North-South divide if you don't police it?
It is the peculiarity of United Kingdom
People from Liverpool tend to think people
from Manchester are a bunch of cunts.
And vice versa, people from Manchester
think people from Liverpool are cunts.
When will they realise?
l should apologise. I've used the C-word
rather a lot so far this evening and.. umm
l know a lot of people specially ladies
find that a little bit offensive.
There is of course an
alternative to "cunt".
l don't mean up the arse.
Are you all familiar with the phrase
"See you next Tuesday"?
It's the polite English way of saying the
C-word so as not to cause too much offence.
Although ironically I can't think
of too many situations
Where you wanna call someone a Cunt
but you don't wanna offend them
It's sort of what I like about it.
I'll have a bit of a sit-down.
I think..
Are you all right? Was this
the sort of thing you had in mind?
No. Right. OK. I'm fucked.
Who's come the furthest? Has anyone
come like.. a long way.. from overseas?
- (Man) Canvey island.
- Canvey lsland?
l know Canvey island, so I know you've
not come a long way from your home,
you've just brought it with you.
Did you come with him?
No. Good.
Canvey Island's the furthest
anyone came. Fuck you.
You were all in the area anyway?
- What's that?
- (Man replies in high-pitched voice)
Was that Dover, or were you castrated
before you got a chance to...
Right.
Were you worried about sounding silly so
you put on a ludicrous high pitched voice?
"That should sort things out."
Shouldn't it?
So you're a sailor, are you?
Imagine my surprise
at your high-pitched voice.
Hm. Bad things come in threes.
A good example of that is Atomic Kitten.
Every time I think about Atomic Kitten
Actually I'm slightly sad
Somewhere in the Northeast there's a
supermarket three checkout girls short.
l wrote that joke for a thing called
Worst Britons where I had to write jokes
About lots of celebrities. It was a
program that we put on Channel 4.
l wrote this as well,
if it's of any interest to you.
l went to a car-boot sale the other week
I found this old, brown,
bent leathery tool.
It turned out to be David Dickinson.
I don't know if anyone seen any of the
other TV shows that I made
I make a show called Distraction at the
moment. Has anyone seen that?
- (Cheering)
- Oh. And one person liked it?
That's good. If I can entertain
just one man, I'll have been shit.
Distraction it's quite good its Channel 4's
replacement to Sex And The City.
Just imagine the city is Dundee
and the sex is anal. You get the idea
l do another show called
Your Face Or Mine. Has any one seen that?
It's quite a good fun I think.
It's a fun show.
It's as shallow as a tinker's bath.
No offence. I didn't mean...
But you know it's quite a fun show.
It's basically about couples..
It's about looks in relationships.
- Who thinks looks are
important in a relationship?
- (Several voices) Yes.
Quite a few of you are
being honest this evening.
l sort of sit on the fence on that one.
Are looks important in a relationship?
You don't look at the fireplace
when you're poking the fire.
But you do
when it's sucking you off, so...
Are you two a couple?
Do you mind me
asking how on earth that happened?
What were you thinking?
- I don't know.
- You can do a lot better than that.
You're punching way above your weight.
Not just a lil bit
It's a different league.
Well done.
ls that money
or personality or...
low self-esteem on her part?
Lovely little mix of all three?
That's basically the show.Your Face or Mine
That's it. That's all we do.
We string that out for haIf an hour.
The magic of television.
Although It is quite awkward sometimes.
Cos its quite young couples on the show
And you know they are 19 or 20
and they are talking about their looks
It can be a bit awkward sometimes.
We had an incident on the show Where a woman
came on with a medical complaint.
I'm not sure what the correct medical
term is but she had a wonky face.
I'm pretty sure that's
not the correct medical term.
She wasn't an unattractive girl either
she was quite good looking
but one haIf of her face was a lot lower
than the other. Just a bit wonky
What happened is She sent in a
video tape to be on the show
And recorded
it rather coquettishly, like that.
Then she turned up and gone like that
and we all went like that.
And obviously the producer said,
"Well, This is quite a serious thing.
"It's a show about looks. She's got a
wonky face. We've got to address it."
l thought, "What am I gonna say?
What's with the wonky face, love?"
I didn't say that. I said:
"Could you tell me about your face?"
Luckily she played along. She said:
"Yes, There is a story behind this
When I was 11 I had a skiing accident.
"l was skiing down a hill
and I skied into the side of a chalet.
"l broke my leg, my arm,
jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket
"and I had to be airlifted
to the hospital."
And I said: "At least
you got to go in a helicopter."
Her face fell.
Sadly it didn't even up.
That would have been...
Rather miraculous.
l can't be the only person. In real life
l do constantly put my foot in it.
l can't be the only one that
does these kind of things
I've learned the hard way not to refer to
your partner as your "current girlfriend".
It suggests
you're looking for an upgrade.
That doesn't seem to keep them
on their toes the way you think it might
No, they don't like it.
I've also got a policy now
after several unfortunate incidents,
whereby I would rather see
a pregnant woman standing on a bus
than a fat girl sitting down crying.
Come on, we've all made
that mistake, haven't we?
The worst thing is,
you know immediately you've made it.
"When's it due?
"Hang on, there's nothing due.
"You just like your food."
It's a terrible moment
You just want the earth to open up and...
Swallow her.
Obviously It'd have to
be a fucking big hole.
Now the other time when I put my foot in it
But sort of deliberately is in charity shows
l do quite a lot of charity shows. I'm not
pretending to be particularly altruistic
I do them because
they are really good fun.
Loads of comics do a show.
There's about ten of us backstage.
We all hang out together.
It's like a little social and what we do is
We dare each other to open with
the most inappropriate line possible.
What happens is, I tend to win the bet
and not get invited back.
Which if you think about it is a double win
cos you don't get paid for those shows.
l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation.
Does Anyone know the Ashling Foundation?
No? They're a small charity, based in
London.They are an Irish charity
They take Irish builders and navvies
that came over in the '50s and '60s
And these are older guys
that have fallen on hard times.
They give them pensions and retirement
homes in the West Coast of Ireland.
l did a gig for them.
I thought it was a great charity.
I went out there I said: "It's lovely
to support the Ashling Foundation.
"I've got a new slogan for you.
"Fuck off home, the roads are finished."
Apparently they're famous
for their sense of humour.
Oh, no, they're fucking not.
The other.. The other charity that
l did a gig for last year was Stonewall.
You know Stonewall?
Largest gay charity in Europe.
I did a gig for them up in Edinburgh.
I went on and I said:
"It's lovely to be here in Edinburgh
"I'm not sure
about supporting Stonewall.
"Sure maybe If we raise enough money,
"Maybe one day we'll be
able to find a cure.
"But I'm not sure there's
anything wrong with being gay."
That was pretty much their reaction.
Although they were
slightly more theatrical.
l don't want to sound callous
or unkind or cruel
but the Children of Courage Awards...
How much courage
does it take to get poorly?
All I'm saying is Maybe we
could change the name
To the Children of Horrible Misfortune.
That way we could include
ugly children as well.
If anyone's sitting there thinking:
"I really didn't like that joke
I don't like the subject matter
l didn't think it was very funny,"
Imagine how it went down
at the Great Ormond Street gala.
Comedy's been pretty good to me
over the last couple of years.
I had a sort of good run here
l wanted to give something back.
l thought I'd do try and sort of put
some.. do some guerrilla comedy,
Put some comedy in places
where you don't normally find it.
Obviously you all you know.. come out
to a comedy show this evening
And people watching comedy
DVD tend to be in quite a good mood already.
What about the people
that are not having a good day?
What about the people.. I don't know,
reading the small ads?
I mean you can't be having a good time
If you are reading the small ads.
You're either buying something
second-hand or you filling in a personal.
And let's face it If you're summing
up your personality in 30 words or less
It basically means
you don't have a good one.
So what I thought I'd do put some
you know.. I've got a credit card,
I've got quite a good phone manner.
I'll place some small ads,
maybe cheer some people up along the way
- Would you like to see them?
- Yeah.
Course you fucking would.
This is the first one that I placed
l put it in the personals.
"Incurable romantic seeks filthy whore."
This one's slightly more
optimistic that that.
It's a bit more ambitious.
"Albino he-she seeks similar."
I've not had any responses to that as yet
but as soon as I get two I'll set up a
blind date and they won't believe their luck
This next one is the basis for all small ads
in my opinion, in the personals.
"Good-looking, athletic Nortting Hill
based movie star, millionaire,
"seeks gullible stunner."
The business opportunities section
of papers...
l travel up and down the
country doing lots of stand up gigs
and I always sort of read the local paper.
Business opportunities section,
useless for me
unless you want a cafe in Solihull.
No good
l thought I'd try and brighten it up
with an ad. I placed this
"Small minority wanted
to spoil it for the rest of us.
"There's always one - is it you?"
Now Sadly I didn't get any responses
at all to this next one.
"Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin
for elaborate practical joke."
Now The announcements section in a
local paper should be an interesting thing.
But it's not
It's Births, marriages and deaths.
Of course If you know the person involved
in being born, getting married or dying,
you know, you don't need to read it
in the paper, so it's a bit pointless.
My nan used to collect
anything to do with our family or friends.
She used to collect all the
personals from the local paper
She'd put them in a shoe box.
She collected them all for 50 years.
And then she died
and we put them in the bin.
That's not a joke,
that's just what happens.
Anyway, I thought I'd try and cheer up
the announcements section of the paper
l went with this ad.
"Amanda, I'm running a bit late.
"Will be there in about an hour.
"How far apart are the contractions?"
This next one is
well it's just playing odd.
l ended up putting it in public
and legal notices
Only because I was out of
ideas as to where to put it
"Nemesis wanted.
"I'm 5'10", into kayaking,
books and conversation by day,
"justice, honour and vengeance
by night.
"Seeking arch-enemy, possibly
crime lord or deformed megalomaniac."
This is not my finest piece of work
but I kind of like it.
"Speech impediment? There's a
New support group for the London area
"Call D-D-D-D-Dave..."
We set these up with real phone lines
so people could call if they wanted to.
We put an extra-long tape for that one
because complaints could take a while.
This one doesn't have a number.
l wanted to get the message out there.
"Does Anyone else think there's something
not quite right about Gary Lineker?"
This one might be handy for some
of the front row. I put it in lost section.
"Lost: Virginity. Yes! Get in!"
Does anyone here read Private Eye
magazine? Quite a few of you.
You can attest to the fact that the
small ads in back of Private Eye are mental.
They are the most mental thing I have seen
It's full of people saying things like
"I'm just doing a law degree and need
5,000 to complete my thesis."
And then bank account details.
It's the Everest of optimism.
l thought, "I'm getting in on that action."
l placed this.
"Needed: 20K. No questions asked."
Then two weeks later, when no one
came up with the money - terrible -
l put, "All right. 10K.
One question. Nothing personal."
I'm willing to compromise.
I'm reasonable man.
There's a "for sale" section
in all of these magazines around the country
"Hitachi washing machine DX250, under
warranty until kill, kill, kill them all,
"February 2004, in perfect working order,
180 or nearest offer."
The reason I'm so pleased with that
is cos I phoned it in.
The only thing the operator said to me was,
"ls that four kills?"
"Yeah." "Fine."
"For sale: holiday photos -
choice of ski, sun or city break.
"Ideal for anecdote or alibi."
"For sale: bonsai tree. Large."
The other thing
I've got quite obsessed by is...
You know the adverts you get on railings
at busy intersections in roads?
Up and down the country you get those
You've all seen those, yeah?
What kind of nutters reply to those?
A lot of people are out of work and think,
"The railings, that's the answer.
"Not a Jobcentre or a friend of a friend.
I'll just go with the railing."
Anyway I thought what I'll do
"I'll set up some of my own.
"I'll put them up around West London
and I'll see who calls."
Nutters, it turns out.
l needn't have bothered my arse.
I'll take you through some of
ones I did anyway
"Get rich quick!
Simply Set up a premium-rate phone line.
"To find out how, just call 0900..."
"Lose weight fast!
Fed up of dieting and exercise?
"Incredible results guaranteed!
"Try amoebic dysentery!"
"ls your memory letting you down?
What about your memory?
"ls it letting you down?
"Call for an information pack right now
before you forget."
"Money worries?
Work from home. Earn pounds.
"You don't even have to get out of bed!
"To find out more, just call Pimp Jimmy."
Well, this is the last one of these.
"Am you grammar letting we down?
"Private tuition available. Now call now."
I don't know if this has ever
happened to any of you but
l split up with my last girlfriend
because she was very hypocritical.
She'd say, "l love surprises," but when
she heard I was sleeping with her sister...
My girlfriend always says, "You never
tell me how much you love me."
l don't want to upset her.
A couple of weeks ago we were making
love and she had an asthma attack.
l did briefly think I was doing rather well.
At about 90 second two-minute mark I thought
"She's laying this on a bit thick."
Either she wants something
or she's not well.
l totally panicked.
I didn't know what to do
So I phoned a friend of mine
who's a doctor. H lives just down the road
l said to him
"What shall I do?"
He said, "Don't panic. Could be quite
serious. Probably isn't but I'll pop over."
l said, "What shall I do in the meantime?"
He said, "Finish yourseIf off."
Don't give me that look.
It was the right thing to do.
l realize I shouldn't take the
piss out of asthmatics.
They have got enough to worry about
The National asthmatic emergency
helpline service was shut down recently.
Apparently a problem
with all the obscene phone calls.
A lot of asthmatics in?
No. I would have heard you.
I don't know if anyone's got this
Are there lots of couples in this evening?
How many couples do we have?
Quite a few, by show of hands.
How many by shouting out?
- (Several people shout)
- Hundreds. Brilliant.
Does anyone have this
arrangement in their relationship?
It's becoming ever more common now
for couples to have an arrangement
whereby they're faithful to each other
but they have got a clause whereby
if one of them was to meet
a certain celebrity,
they'd be allowed to stray.
Has anyone got that going on
in their relationship?
- Who have you got?
- (Man) You!
Right.
l notice that you're
sitting next to a lady.
- (Inaudible comment)
- You're gonna do what at home?
- Kill me.
- She's gonna kill you? Right.
Or strap one on and fuck you, certainly.
It'll be one or the other.
Anyone else got one?
- You've got one? Who have you got?
- Jim Carrey.
All right. He might be up for it.
And who's your boyfriend got?
"Anything, I'm not bothered"?
What? Sorry?
- Anything good-looking.
- Anything good-looking?
A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely.
You can't say that.
The reason I mentioned is because I have
got an arrangement with my girlfriend
Whereby I get the opportunity
to sleep with Kylie Minogue,
she can fuck off.
Are you all aware of what snowballing is?
The sexual practice snowballing?
- (Man) Yeah.
- Who was that down there?
Quite proud of that. Well done.
Everyone else, nonetheless. OK I'll explain
It says something about you.
Snowballing is a sexual practice where
Having administered oral sex,
your partner doesn't spit or swallow
so much as return to sender via a kiss.
You're looking shocked and appalled
as I explained that to you.
Let me assure you,
l found out the hard way.
It does raise
an interesting moral dilemma.
Should you spit or swallow?
Well, if you really love yourself.
l can see some friends of mine up there
And You're explaining it to your mum.
What a brilliant day out that'll be.
What a lovely drive home.
"So, this snowballing thing..."
Ha-ha! Marvellous.
- Are there any Catholics in?
- (A few people shout)
A few. I'm a lapsed Catholic. I don't know
much about Catholicism but I like the ideas.
l like the idea of the confirmation.
Confirmation correct me if I'm wrong
It's when you're about 12
and you meet a bishop.
And he says to you,
"You're definitely a Catholic."
l don't know if he does that.
He says, "You're definitely a Catholic."
He confirms you. You are confirmed
I think it's a very good idea. I think
Other religions could do with that.
I think The Jews could do with that.
I've got a lot of friends that are Jew
They always say:
"I'm Jewish."
A new book's out called
Better Than Sex With Claire Rayner.
A lot of things in that fucking category.
I'm struggling to think of anything
that wouldn't make the mark.
l suppose the Rwandan genocide
might just edge it.
(Groaning)
Well... Good. I was in a book store
last week there were third off all titles.
l bought The Lion, The Witch.
l said to the PhD English graduate -
sorry, shop assistant -
"What's this Psycho The Rapist
section?"
She said, "I'll think you'll find
that's pronounced Psychotherapist."
I don't know if you are all aware of this
Are you all aware of the fact that..
Christopher Reeve
wrote a book last year?
He wrote a book called:
"Nothing ls Impossible"
I said he wrote it he dictated it.
It's not important
Come on
Just on the fly leaf cover
of the book it says:
"Since the accident,
Christopher's never looked back."
I mean Fair enough, but there's
no need to rub it in, is there?
l met an incredible girl on the Internet.
Smart, sexy, uninhibited.
Of course It turned out to be
a 12-year-old paraplegic boy.
I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.
Ohh! I think we've reached
a barrier there, haven't we?
We will laugh at that and nothing more.
Fair enough.
A couple of weeks ago
l failed to perform sexually.
(Laughter)
How is that a laughing matter?
Couple of weeks ago I failed
to perform Sexually
I'm not going to go into details.
Suffice it to say I arrived early.
My girlfriend said,
Don't worry That happens to a lot of guys
l said, "There's two things
the matter with that.
"Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'?
"Secondly, if this happened
to more than one of us...
"Don't you think it
could be your fault?"
She says there's never an excuse
to raise your hand to a woman.
What if you've got a question?
She says because she's a woman, she is good
at doing two things at the same time
If that's the case why's a threesome
out of the question?
I was in the high street the other day
There was a girl with the clip board
She said: "Could you spare
a few minutes for Cancer Research?"
l said, "All right We're not
gonna get much done.
"We can pop in to Boots,
see if they've got anything."
You know that disclaimer they put at the end
of films? You know the one that says
"The characters and the events
in this film are purely fictitious."
"Any relation to real characters
and events is coincidental." Yeah?
Do they really need that
on Lord Of The Rings?
ls anyone watching that thinking,
"This is a brilliant documentary.
"l might think about
going to New Zealand on my holidays.
"Wait. I don't want it ruined
by Saruman and his Orc army"?
Your hair. Well, I'm just saying.
l like the Spice Girls
as much as the next man but...
It's... No, it's... Mm.
l can't help noticing
you've got a tattoo on your...
Well, it's your boob, isn't it, really?
It draws the eye. What is that, exactly?
- A rose.
- It's a rose.
As if boobs aren't fun enough
as they are.
She thought, I tell ya
I'll brighten these things up.
Loads of fellows are gonna like these
"What do guys like? They like flowers.
"I'll get a picture of a flower."
Did you not think.. what do you like..
What kind of thing?
You look like the sort of bloke
that would like cars and guns and tanks.
Why not get a nice tattoo
of a tank on your tit?
Lovely. He could be going,
"Ooh, is that a Sherman?"
Cos flowers, unless he's secretly gay...
And I'll be honest, there's a lot
of earrings and spiky hair...
Good. Fine.
l remember before J.Lo,
before the term "ghetto booty",
when we used to just call it a fat arse.
J.Lo's had her bum insured
for $10 million.
Don't know if that covers contents.
l was talking to my nan about Ant
and Dec. She didn't know which was Ant.
l said, "Do you know which one Dec is?"
She said, "Yeah."
My girlfriend asked me recently
one of the big questions in life.
She said to me,
"Do you want to have children?"
l thought about it,
I thought: "God,
ls there any truer expression of the love
That you have for another person
That to have a child with them?"
Cos really that is a bond that lasts
forever. It's not like getting married
Marriages break up. But..
Having a child together,
You know you gonna be bonded
through that child for
the rest of your life.
Then I thought about the money.
I thought how expensive is it bringing up
The child. Apparently
It's the most expensive thing you can do.
It costs $100,000 to bring up a child
up to the age of 18.
It's incredible amount of money
It's not like buying a house,
where you can sell it on
It doesn't appreciate. That's just gone.
Then I thought about education of child
Would I sent him to
State school or private school?
I'm doing all right
l might think about private school..
But I probably end up sending
it to state school and then..you know
Maybe I'd compromise on that
become a bit of hypocrite
end up reading the Daily Mail,
going to parent-teacher meetings,
becoming my dad. It'd be awful.
Then I thought, More about well,
Why am I thinking about having a child?
"Why don't I think
about adopting a child?
"Isn't it just about the
family unit and love
rather than just having a little
mini-me running around the place
Then I thought about how much it'd
mean to have my family name live on
and what it would mean
to my nearest and dearest.
Then I thought again about
relationship with my girlfriend
how That would change I'd probably end up
calling her Mum or something
Be sort of really change..
And that'd change my life
It would change my life,
probably ruin it.
l weighed up all the pros and all the cons
and in the end I said no.
Of course, by then I'd come.
Luckily, all over her tits.
Mum understood that? Good.
Right.
You know Ladies and Gentlemen
One of my ambitions is to write a book.
Like many comedians, I'd love to
write a book
l don't really wanna write a novel.
because I don't know if you ever
Read a Novel by a comedian
But they are shite.
We don't seem very good at it..
That you know...
It requires having an idea that lasts
more than 30 seconds. Not gonna happen
So what I thought I'd do
is a book of correspondence.
That way you're getting someone else
to do haIf the work. Always thinking.
- Would you like to hear them?
- Yes.
Good, otherwise we'd be having
some quiet time.
This is the first letter that I wrote.
It's to my local MP. Chris Smith.
"Dear Mr Smith, Do you get
tired of people writing to you..
Clearly just wasting your time
And have nothing better to do?"
This is to Charlie Statham,who is the head
doctor of NHS Direct in West London.
"Dear sir, I heard about a doctor took out
an appendix with a coat hanger on a plane
Now I'm not a qualified doctor
But I do take an interest
I've got all the proper kit.
"Could you talk me
through the procedure?
"Please write back soon.
She's in terrible pain."
ls anyone in here
a member of Amnesty International?
Someone's timidly put up a hand. Are
you worried about being persecuted?
l wrote a letter to the head of Amnesty
International in the UK.I hope you like it
It's to Kate Allen,
director of Amnesty International UK.
"Dear madam, I like what you people do.
"Writing letters to complain
about human rights violations
"is like a political version
of Point Of View.
"The BBC or fascist leader
may not change what they do as a result
"but at least you slow down their day
as they wade through the post bag.
"I'd be surprised if they got round
to torturing anyone before 11:30.
The number of letters you send
Lots of People do nothing because they
know they cannot change the world
"but you good people are not deterred from
making futile gestures for human rights,
"and l, for one, applaud you.
"Inspired by your unilateral approach
l decided to hold a fund raising dinner
on your behaIf in my home
"l charged people 20 a head,
to come and enjoy a meal
and drinks
with all profits to go to Amnesty.
"Although a success creatively,
we went with a South American theme,
"unfortunately the groceries were
expensive as was the booze
In the end I made a loss.
"You now owe me 57.40."
Amnesty, God bless them, got back to me
almost immediately with this letter
To be honest,
it's a little bit condescending.
"Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your letter I was delighted
to hear that you're a supporter of Amnesty.
"You do appear to have a few
misunderstandings about the work we do
"so I've enclosed a copy of our
new information leaflet, What We Do."
Which, fair enough, is a very good name
for an information leaflet.
"I've also enclosed a copy of our new
annual review, Human Rights Before Profit."
I've had a flick through
and it's no way to run a company.
"Regarding your recent
fund raising dinner,
"I'm sorry to hear all your energy
and creativity which you put into event
"did not resuIt in you making
your planned donation.
"l usually advise our supporters to
start small and build up with fund raising
"It's also an excellent idea to work out
a simple budget beforehand
"and have a think about
just how many people you can attract
as guests to your event
"This helps immeasurably with planning your
expenditure and setting your ticket price
"and hopefully will ensure a different
outcome at your next fund raiser
"In terms of your request that Amnesty
reimburse you for the loss
I'm afraid I'll have to say no."
Well I was very disappointed
and $57.40 out of pocket.
But I had a money making idea
Who here buys Fair Trade products?
Anyone? Quite a few of you.
Tea, coffee, sugar, that kind of thing.
l think I spotted a gap in the market,
so I wrote them a letter.
"I'm writing because I think I've spotted
a gap in the market." Told you.
"No one is more exploited
than the farmer of the cocoa leaf.
"Whilst drug barons get rich exploiting
both 3rd world farmers
And Ist World and recreational users,
"we stand by and do nothing.
"l propose a Fair Trade
cocaine joint venture.
"l have a contact in distribution,
"and you guys have the perfect cover
to sail through customs.
"Who knows, if it all takes off, we could
end up millionaires...
Brackets
(and help the poor.)
l wrote this one to Martin Bell, the man
in the white suit, political campaigner.
"Dear Mr Bell, your personal assistant
is keeping things from you."
I've not had a reply to that
which would seem to suggest I'm right.
This is what I wrote to...
In terms of taste and decency,
we take a bit of a dark turn here.
Let's be honest
It's a letter I wrote to David Yelland
when he was editor of the Sun.
"Dear Yelland."
l thought that was good.
Tabloidy, strong.
Dear Yelland, There is been a lot of talk
about genetic engineering.
Obviously its a very complex area.
Could you tell me?
ls it wrong to breed piglets
Specifically for the purpose
of weaning paedophiles off babies?
Only I'm thinking of
starting a company with a slogan:
'They'll squeal, but not to the cops.'
l think it's morally acceptable to write
that letter I think it's OK to laugh
but to applaud really that
is bad taste.
l wrote this to Sir John Stevens,
Metropolitan Police Commissioner.
"Dear Sir John, I've got
a bet on with a friend.
l say most policemen are just
nice guys doing their job
"He says all coppers are cunts.
"Which is it?"
What shall we do here?
Very much your decision.
I wrote a letter to Stephen Hawking?
Would you like to hear it?
- (All) Yes.
- Fine.
On your own heads be it. It's to Stephen
Hawking in Cambridge University.
"Dear Professor, I know
you get lots of letters..
asking you all sort of things
about the nature of the universe
"and I also know you don't
have a lot of time
On you hands to be answering
all of them in great detail.
"But Perhaps this question from my
nine-year old will inspire you a little.
"He is severely disabled
and has similar limitations to you
"but equally he has a great spirit
and refuses to give in on a world
"ready to dismiss him
"as a four-eyed, Mono Tonal
voice-box wheelchair-bound freak.
"Anyway, What he'd like to know is,
would you like to come over and play?"
Obviously When you've sent a letter
like that you're not expecting a reply.
You are Certainly not
expecting a phone call.
But that's what I got
My younger Patrick brother
answered the phone
and passed it to me and said
it's Stephen Hawking's assistant.
l was slightly taken aback.
She was enquiring
as to the name of my son.
Now The only disability my son has
is that tragically he's fictitious.
But as i said My younger brother Patrick
had answered the phone, so I said Patrick.
Gave the name and Then she asked
about his disabilities and I...
You know what u find on daytime TV
I was able to cobble something together.
And the reason I did that was not
to sort of continue the joke
l thought she'd be embarrassed on
phone if I say it was a silly joke,
so I thought I don't wanna embarrass her
I'd say it and that would be the end to it.
But it wasn't the end to it at all
About two weeks later I received this letter
And She sent me a biography
of Stephen Hawking with a photo.
It's not signed.
About a week after that I got this letter
from Stephen Hawking himself.
It's absolutely genuine.
I'll read it to you now.
"Dear Patrick, my assistant Karen
has sent me a letter from your father
"who tells me you've invited me
to come over and play.
"It's very kind of you to send
me the invitation
but unfortunately I'm teaching
at Caltech in Pasadena until 1st May."
Ooh.
"So I can't take you up on your offer.
"Even though I am 60,
l think it's never too late to play.
"One of my birthday treats was to go for a
balloon ride and that was really exciting
"If you're interested,
contact Ian at Innovative Ballooning.
"There's the contact details
and phone number."
l did contact him
and he'd bought us a balloon ride.
l did briefly considered crippling
my brother to take him up on it.
The reason I sort of shared that with you
Ladies and Gentlemen
Cos you know it's all a bit
clever-clever, sending people letters and
kind of running away
but that one went horribly wrong.
And I also thought it demonstrated
that Stephen Hawking is
Not only a brilliant man but a brilliant
bloke. What a lovely thing to do
You know, he's... Fair enough.
Having said that ..responding to a letter
where you, yourseIf are described
as a four-eyed mono tonal voice-box
wheelchair-bound freak...
maybe not that clever.
This is the last letter, It's the letter I
wrote to HSBC. Anyone bank with HSBC?
- (Several voices) Yes.
- Quite few of you. Here's the letter.
"Dear Sir or Madam, I really love
your latest HSBC commercials,
"the ones about cultural diversity..
And the importance of communicative
sensitivity in international finance.
"Having said that I must take issue
with the statement you make
"that the rudest thing in you can do in
Thailand is to reveal the soles of your feet
"Now, I've been to Thailand,
in my year off,
"and I can tell you, you can do things
a lot ruder than that there.
"A lot ruder.
"My friend Keith shat
in a hooker's mouth for a tenner.
"l just wanted to let you know in case
you are thinking about doing another ad
"about Holland or something."
Thank you.
My girlfriend said she
wanted me to tease her.
l said, "All right, fatty."
Things don't always work out
the way you think.
l always thought it would be my mum
that would catch me masturbating.
You think you're shocked.
Imagine my surprise.
According to Official statistics say one
third of accidents at work go unreported.
How on earth do they know?
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend
And I used to think he
went everywhere with me.
That i could talk to him he could hear me
and he could grant me wishes and stuff.
And then I grew up
and I stopped going to church.
(Some laughter)
That seems to have
divided the room somewhat.
There's two distinct groups there,
There's people that thought that was funny,
And there is a larger group
who will be going to heaven.
While we are on subject of religion
l imagine there's quite a few
people in here that go to Mass
or wherever Protestants go -
hell, I'd imagine. I don't know..
Have you all seen the new
Mel Gibson film?
The Passion Of The Christ.
It's upset an awful lot of Christians.
They are very up..
They are up in arms about it
He made a film about life
of the Christ
but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood
ending where the hero comes back at the end
(Raucous laughter)
Does she love the little baby Jesus?
Does she love the little
baby Jesus or not?
ls she going for a wee?
ls it a wee or a poo?
Shall we time her?
It's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?
When people say they hear voices
in their heads -
as opposed to where, exactly?
Hearing voices in your legs,
that's properly mental.
l saw an advert for
aduIt literacy classes..
in the newspaper.
Are there any single men
in this evening? Anyone single?
You're single. Well..
Don't panic. I've got some advice for you
If you really like a girl and she says
to you, "l love you like a brother,"
suggest a weekend in Norfolk.
Unless you're from Norfolk,
in which case it probably is your sister.
- You don't look like you're from Norfolk.
- I'm from Thetford in Norfolk.
You're from Thetford in Norfolk?
Right.
- ls that your sister? Girlfriend? Both?
- Sister.
And you're here with your sister?
Not really, though?
"Saturday night out, I'll take my sister.
She's a looker."
Have you ever with...
I'm only asking.
Do you think your sister's attractive,
can I ask?
- Do you think she's attractive?
- She's OK.
Would you give her one?
That was very low. Sorry.
What about you, love?
l can't believe that. He's from Norfolk
and he's brought his sister.
It could scarcely be better.
I'm amazed you didn't bring your mum.
Did you split up?
Oh, marvellous. I imagine
your family tree's a straight line, is it?
It's just a piece of timber.
Sorry. I may have misjudged this.
It looks like as if...
There may be a short fight after the gig,
which I imagine I'll be losing.
Where is she? Do you think
she's got bladder problems?
Maybe some sort of yeast infection?
We'll ask her when she comes back.
l just hope
she hasn't got any vaginal difficulties.
It's a lovely word, isn't it, "vaginal"?
Oh, clearly not.
I got a friend that picked up
two girls last week.
l said, "They're like buses."
He said, "Yeah, you wait ages
and then two come along at once"
l said, "No. They are like buses."
Someone complained about that joke
couple of weeks ago, after a show.
Quite a big-boned girl.
She said to me,
"l think you're fattist."
l said, "No, no, no. I think you're fattest."
Someone calls Admiral Insurance
every six seconds for a quote.
What a nutter.
Environmentalists tell us that every day
an area the size of Wales is destroyed.
Why is it never Wales?
Are there Welsh people in this evening?
- (Woman) Yes.
- You're from Wales? Don't worry.
Do you know what
the most common crime is in Wales?
No? Hang on, I've got to ask someone
about her fufu.
That's a long time for a pee.
Are you all right?
- You're fine? ls that better?
- Yeah.
Bless you. I'm just talking to your friend
about being from Wales.
Do you know what the most common
crime is in Wales? have a Guess.
- Guess.
- Sheep shagging.
Sheep shagging?
Well, that's rather insulting, isn't it?
And to add insuIt to injury, you're wrong.
It's not sheep shagging. It's ram raiding.
The second most common crime
is having sex with a minor.
If anyone's offended, look for the
other meaning you will be fine.
l bought my girlfriend a book called
Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking.
Which is ideal for her
because not only is she a vegetarian...
She's reading a book at the moment
called, Women That Love Too Much,
which I think could have
the title shortened to Sluts.
The reason old men use Viagra
is not because they're impotent,
it's because old women are so very ugly.
When it comes to the environment,
Its not us but our children...
And our children's children
that will pay for our mistakes.
Which is a relief.
No matter how much you give
a homeless person for a cup of tea,
you never get that tea.
Throwing acid is wrong...
in some people's eyes.
l went up to the airport information desk.
l said, "How many airports
are there in the world?"
She said, "l don't know."
I went up to the check-in desk the
girl said to me "Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "Window seat or you'll what?
Are you threatening me?"
She said, "No, No, No, calm down.
Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "I'll have a seat."
l bought one of those round-the-world air
ticket. 1200. Amazing value.
37 hours later, I arrived at Heathrow.
A lot of people say modern art
is pretentious but I look at it like this...
Boxers don't have sex before a fight.
Do you know why that is?
They don't fancy each other.
If you eat a lot of spicy food
you can damage your sense of taste.
When I was in India last year,
I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Every year in this country thousands of dogs
are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed.
Every night hundreds
of homeless people go hungry.
All I'm saying is...
it wouldn't happen in Korea.
I'd like to take this opportunity to
recommend Korean food.
to each and everyone of you.Their
cuisine is delicious. Their delicacies.
They're the dog's bollocks.
On holiday I went walking in the Lakes.
It's called swimming.
While I was there..
l met a beautiful girl and fell in love
but she was going out with friend of mine
so I had to hide the way I felt.
That's not easy, wearing Speedos.
Men tend to fall asleep directly after sex.
All I'm saying is,
maybe if women put a bit more into it...
Sorry, that's not meant
to be misogynistic in any way
l was reading, in Tits And Arse magazine,
Very interesting and informative article.
It was about the difficulties
of asking your partner for anal sex
It was entitled
What If She Takes It The Wrong Way?
l see you're shifting uncomfortably.
l didn't mean to offend you.
Whatever you decide about anal sex,
I'm sure he'll be right behind you.
It's easier to get forgiveness
than permission.
l just thought I'd slip that in.
What I'd like to do.I've done a couple
of interviews on television.
I've done Des O'Connor,
I have done Parkinson.
l was all right on them
I was fine but I wasn't brilliant
and I'd like to get better
So what I'd like to do is
to practice with a member
of the audience, doing an interview.
- Now, Would anyone like to interview me?
- (Woman) Yes.
Yes. Right. Her.
What's your name? What?
(Inaudible response)
I tell you what
We'll discuss it here because
it sounds to me
like you don't have a proper name.
But The lady in the blue,
as you will now be known.
You want to stick a mic on her?
Unless you're busy.
Unless you're busy standing by a door.
I'll be honest, she could get up as well.
Christ!
Thank God she could get up,
cos that would...
Come over here.
- Come and sit down. Hello.
- I thought I was sitting in my own chair.
You thought you were sitting
In your own chair? Unlucky.
- I thought it was a joke. You thought it
was a joke? - Well, it sort of is.
Have you not seen a pattern emerging?
There's a list of questions.
What's your name?
- I don't make up my own questions?
- You can make up your own. Feel free.
- My name is Blanid.
- Blanid?
- It's Irish.
- It's Irish for what? Typo?
- I'm not gonna tell you
- What is it Irish for?
- (Man) Flower.
- That's it. Yeah.
- What kind of flower?
- Little flower.
- Not self-raising?
- No.
- Little flower?
- Yeah.
- It's not difficult.
- ls it spelt...
Oh, well, fair enough.
All right, little flower.
l just worry, on the DVD,
if you're watching this back at home,
l can pronounce "blonde", right?
Blanid. Go ahead.
Kick off. Ask anything you want.
I've got those there but you know...
Do you want me to speak from this?
Do you want me to ask these questions?
It's not complicated.
- OK.
- Right back at you.
It would appear, Blanid,
I've got the skills to pay the bills.
- Great to have you here.
- Great to be here.
What do you...
Try and hold it together.
You're not Graham Norton.
No, I'm not Graham Norton.
What do you think about fame?
I'm glad you've asked.
A lot of people ...
A lot of people they get their
first little taste of fame
And they let it go to their heads.
They end up in Priory Clinic talking
about themselves in the third person.
Let me assure you
Jimmy Carr's not gonna let that happen.
Who would you most like to sleep with,
anyone living or dead?
Anyone living.
What...
This could take a while.
Which is your greatest regret?
They say you should regret
the things you have done
Not the things you have not..
but my greatest regret is something
that I didn't do, a girl called Barbara.
OK. What...
Do I look like a wife-beater now,
because she's crying?
(Blanid gasps)
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
l think I might be giving her an orgasm.
I'm not S....
I've never seen it before.
I've got no frame of reference.
Don't worry, you're not.
Don't have a go.
Which words or phrases
do you most overuse?
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
All I'm saying is...
When you think about it...
Can I park here? ls it in yet?
Where do you get your ideas from?
l think it's the cerebellum
but it could be the frontal cortex.
- Which book changed your life?
- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
- What is your most embarrassing...
- Hang on. There's more to that.
Feed line, punch line, then we move on.
OK, go for it. What is
your favourite record of all time?
It's a different question.
- Go back to the book, damn it.
- OK.
- What book changed your life?
- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
Before I got that book,
we had a wonky table in the kitchen.
What's...
What's the worst heckle
you've ever had?
l was doing a gig in Bristol
and told a joke, Not a brilliant joke..
"Has anyone been caught thieving
in the Middle East?
"Let's have a show of hands."
A bloke about four rows back
held up a hook.
Properly Abu Hamza style.
To my eternal shame I said,
"Give him a big hand."
- You're going to edit all this, I hope.
- Well, your bits, yeah.
How do you relax?
l put Smarties tubes on cats' legs
and make them walk like a robot.
If I'm really tense,
l make it go down the stairs.
- They get a bit confused.
- Yeah.
A cat looking confused is brilliant.
Little face...
- What makes you angry?
- When I can't get the lid off the Valium.
Which historical figure
do you most admire?
Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.
What would you like to do
before you die?
Kylie.
So predictable.
Any other questions of your own...
Any other questions of your own?
Any questions?
Most people would just read that
and think of a question.
Oh... me..
So you're Irish, are you?
Imagine my surprise. I'm actually...
Where in Ireland?
- Dublin. - I'm actually what
people refer to as a "plastic Paddy".
- I've got Irish parents and Irish passport
- But you were born grew up in England?
No, I was born in Ireland,
Irish passport, Irish parents...
I've got an Irish passport,
everything Irish.
But I speak like this and present myself
like this because I was educated in the UK.
Goes to show what you can do
when you apply yourself.
Every time I speak to an Irish person,
Now, I'm slightly saddened.
l think it doesn't have to be this way.
Well, I think you've done a wonderful job,
Blon... Blondee.
- Blanid.
- Blanid.
Thank you.
Thanks very much for talking to me.
- Thank you... Indeed
- Johnny... Jimmy... Sorry.
That was low, wasn't it?
Give her a big round of applause.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks very much. That was lovely.
If you had to choose between
saving your own life and saving
the life of a loved one
most people agree
it would make a brilliant game show.
Mother always said, "If you haven't got
anything nice to say, fuck off."
l read an interview with Margaret Thatcher
a Couple of years ago
And in it she was talking about her funeral.
She said:
"l don't want my funeral to be a morbid
affair. I want it to be a celebration."
l thought,
"You won't be disappointed, love."
My sister had a baby, I went to see it
She said, "Do you Want to wind him?"
l said, "I'll give him a dead leg, shall l?"
Cats have got nine lives, which
makes them ideal for experimentation.
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas,
so do be careful at the office party.
Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad
That's embarrassing.
l didn't know
they knew how to use the camcorder.
A very common male fantasy
is two women at the same time.
One to cook, one to clean.
(Groaning)
Easy. I'm joking. They want to fuck them.
l live quite near a special needs school.
There's a sign outside.
It says, "Slow children".
l thought that can't do much
for their self-esteem.
But look on the positive side.
Of course, They can't read it.
I'm afraid that's almost all I've got time
for this evening Ladies and Gentlemen
Just one thing left that I'd like to do
which is go through Jimmy Carr merchandise,
if we could just lock the doors.
I've gone for some comedy T-shirts,
which I'd like to show you they are up here
The comedy T-shirt, it's
an underutilised medium, in my opinion.
Hang on. What?
It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Sell a bit of ware.
The Rolling Stones do it. Why not me?
This is the first one I did.
"I'm with stupid." What do you think?
You could wear it
and the person next to you...
It's got "jimmycarr.com" on the sleeve.
On the back it says, "National
Association of Special Needs Carers".
Who thought that was it?
"My girlfriend went on a UN trip to
investigate child labour in the Far East
"and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
There's a very serious issue. Children as
young as 10 are working 80 hours a week
in sweatshops in the Far East
stitching trainers.
l wouldn't mind,
but it's the workmanship that suffers.
This one's rather predictable.
But it's kind of fun
"The Christian
Alliance Against Bad Language...
"Can Fuck Off."
Got Another religious one. But for a reason
This is the best-selling T-shirt ever
"Jesus loves you."
The most popular T-shirt ever.
"He's not 'in love' with you."
l was gonna go for "He's not fussy
about looks." But I thought no.
Incidentally, if we're all God's children,
what's so special about Jesus?
This is "Love hurts".
That's a nice sentiment, isn't it?
Shows a sensitive side. "Love hurts.
"Try a lubricated finger."
This takes a little bit of explaining.
It's: "True love waits."
It's The slogan of the Promise Keepers.
They're an organization in America
that believe in holding on to their
virginity and chastity until marriage.
Britney Spears was a member. There's
footage of her leaving on the internet.
"True love waits" is such a lovely slogan.
It deserves a T-shirt.
"Pulls out and comes on her tits."
l imagine you've got the hang of this.
Guess this one.
It's "See no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil."
No idea? "See no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil.
"Rohypnol."
There was a story in the paper
earlier this year
about an Englishman arrested in
Ayia Napa for taking advantage of 3 girls
by putting Rohypnol in their drinks.
What's the world coming to?
In Ayia Napa?
You're telling me Rohypnol
is now cheaper than 3 Bacardi Breezers?
Now, this one... The man on my right,
your left, is on fire.
Can you all see that? He's on fire.
"Special Olympics torch arrives."
l did briefly consider the phrase
"flame-retarded". I thought no.
Let's not get out of hand.
Well, This is the last one.
I'm going to leave you with this.
It's been a pleasure talking
to you this evening obviously..
This is a lovely T-shirt.
"World's Best Dad."
- Are there any dads in?
- Yes.
This may be a nice thing to wear
round the house. Wear it with pride.
"World's Best Dad.
"l fucked your mum."
I've been Jimmy Carr. You've been
absolutely lovely. Thank you. Cheers.
(Cheering and whistling)
(Cheering and whistling)
I don't know if that's ever
happened to any of you
You've had quite a good day at work,
You had everything done that you needed
and then you've been kept behind
at the end for some reason.
Anyway, thanks very much.
Right, the encore. I suppose
I'd better do some more jokes, really.
- How many do you want?
- (Man) Ten.
l can do ten. Shall we count them down?
Yeah, why don't we count them down?
Fuck it.
I have got a friend, She's got a theory
She reckons the way
to drive a man wild with desire
is to nibble on his ear lobes
for hours and hours.
l think it's bollocks.
One. One.
Hang on. All together or not at all.
(All) One.
We've got to do this ten times.
I've talked myseIf into a corner.
My mum told me the best time to ask
my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice I've ever been given.
l burst in and said,
"Can I have a new bike?"
He was very upset.
His secretary
was surprisingly nice about it.
l got the bike.
(All) Two.
At the races, my friend said, "Don't back
the heavily-handicapped horses."
l said, "I'm not a fucking idiot.
l know that for them
it's all about taking part.
In their own way, they're all winners."
(Audience) Three.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread
with cheese and tomato.
Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a pizza.
(Audience) Four.
Well, four and fuck off.
Not you.
A lot of people say men
with big flashy cars have tiny cocks.
Am I the only one that reckons women
with Espaces and people-carriers...
Well, clearly not.
l thought
l was gonna have to say "bucket fanny".
Thankfully, that's been avoided.
(Audience) Five.
Ladies, if you get a burning sensation
when you pee, it could be three things.
It could be cystitis,
it could be a bush fire...
or it could be
someone's talking about your vagina.
(Audience) Six.
When it comes to charity,
a lot of people will stop at nothing.
(Audience) Seven.
l saw a charity appeal
in the Guardian a few weeks ago.
"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles
every day to fetch water."
l couldn't help thinking...
"She should move."
(Audience) Eight.
I've sponsored a child in Africa.
She's got the Jimmy Carr T-shirt and hat.
But I worry if it's doing any good.
I've not got any more bookings.
(Audience) Nine.
l was out last week collecting
for a sponsored walk.
In the end I raised so much money,
l was able to afford a taxi.
(Audience) Ten.
Just before the end of the show,
ladies and gentlemen...
- We've had fun, haven't we?
- (All) Yes.
It was a laugh. I enjoyed myself.
Fuck you.
No, thank you very much for coming.
l don't want to bring you down
at the end of the show
but I'd like to tell you
this frightening fact, to end on this.
If you took all the money that we in
the West spend on food in just one week,
you could feed the Third World
for one year.
l don't know about you,
but I can't help feeling
we're being overcharged
for our groceries.
I've been Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers.
(Whistling and cheering)
Thanks very much.
Cheers. Bye.
(Band plays National Anthem)
(Whistling)
Well, Thanks very much.
Before we even start,
l suppose I'd better warn you
that in my act
there is certain amount of bad language.
I'm not talking about split infinitives.
There will be some swearing and there is
some material of a sexual nature.
So if you are offended
by rude or crude material, For heaven sake
don't be a cunt about it.
l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago
I got talking to a girl in front row
and asked a girl her name.
She said, "Pataka." I said, " That's an
unusual name, You don't hear that every day."
To which She replied, "Actually, I do."
I don't know. Does anyone in here
use Vodafone products by any chance?
Any one?
- YEAH, YES
Mainly people over there.
l imagine that's where
the reception is best, is it?
l don't use Vodafone products.
Not because they are not good products
Im sure they're reasonably priced
I'm sure they work reasonably well.
But I don't use them because
l don't like their advertising slogan.
Its: "Join the world's
largest mobile community."
Now Correct me if Im wrong,
That's the gypsies.
No offence to you.
If you want to dress in that manner and live
in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.
l can't believe you went like that.
Well done. Good.
- What's your name?
- Scott.
Don't feel bad about
everyone laughing at you Scott. Sorry
You and I both know
they all need clothes pegs.
There'll always be work
for people like Scott to avoid.
My father used to say: "whatever
doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Till the accident.
Feminists say... and you may agree
with this, you may not.
Feminists say:
"A woman's work is never done."
Maybe if they got themselves
organized, it'd be better.
A bit of an icy stare there, madam.
What you gotta understand
That is post modern misogyny.
That joke is in fact steeped in irony.
So Don't you worry
your pretty little head about it.
l had one of those "serious relationship"
conversation the other week
With my girlfriend Where She sat me down
and talked at me for about six hours.
l hadn't realized until then that
when a man says he is "spoken for"
That is quite literally what he means.
She said to me: "Jimmy, We're at
a crossroads in our relationship.
"Down one road is hard work and
commitment but, ultimately, happiness.
"And down the other road,
well, the other road is a dead end."
And I said, "That's not a crossroads,
that's a T-junction."
Im glad you laughed.
She went fucking mental.
l should point out
at this early stage in the show
that despite my dress
and general demeanour,
I'm not gay.
Unless you're from Newcastle,
and by "gay" you mean "owns a coat".
You're looking a bit disappointed there
Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.
No hard feelings.
Sorry, I don't want to spoil the mood.
I'm not you know...
I'm not homophobic.
I'm not scared of you.
it's fine. Obviously, Some people
are straight, some are gay. That is fine.
I'm what you might call a "stray".
I'm straight, but I'm socially gay.
l notice when a female friend
changes her hair or buys new shoes.
But I won't accept your cock in my arse.
It's less of a joke, it's just something
l wanted to make absolutely clear.
l get the feeling by that look on your face
l may have misjudged this situation.
You either look hard or gay.
Hopefully not both.
You look as if
you want to take me outside.
I'm not entirely sure why.
l suppose either way I'm buggered.
I'm sure you will have ascertained
I'm quite middle-class
and I'm from the Home Counties.
So I don't have an accent.
This is just how things sound
when they're pronounced properly.
Not that there's anything wrong
with being working-class...
These days.
being working-class is very much
like masturbation.Nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course,
it's nothing to be proud of either.
And both give you calluses
on your hands.
Sting the popular singer:
Sting's often bragging about his
eight-hour sex sessions with his wife Trudy.
Imagine how long he'd be able
to keep it up if she was a looker.
In Japan they believe
that tiger penis improves fertility,
but I think if you really
want to get pregnant,
you're best off using a man's cock.
My best mate's girlfriend
is six months pregnant.
They said,
"Do you want to feel the baby?"
On reflection,
l think they meant on the outside.
They say travel broadens the mind.
Except with Americans,
where it tends to widen the arse.
Lot of people quote the fact that only ten
per cent of Americans have passports.
Thing is They say it like it's a bad thing.
Don't get the wrong idea
I've got nothing against Americans,
It's just one came up to me after
the show a couple of weeks ago
and he said he thought
l was pay-tronising.
l said, "l think you'll find
that's pronounced pat-ronising."
It means
when you talk down to someone.
Don't worry.
I'm not being condescending
I'm far too busy thinking about
important things you wouldn't understand.
I'm not sure if you are aware of this
Did you know?
You're ten times more likely to get
mugged in London than in New York City.
It's because you don't live
in New York City.
My favourite news story last year
came from America. I'm sure you all saw it.
It was about a man in Utah,
an American man.
He was out rambling in the wilds of
Utah, the beautiful desert landscape
There was a rock fall and his hand
was trapped under a boulder.
He had to sever his hand
in order to walk to freedom.
Incredible story about human courage.
Did you all see that story?
l can't believe anyone saw it and
didn't ask themselves the question
Cos I think it does beg the question:
"Would I be able to do that?"
I gave it quite a lot of thought
and I think Yes I would be able to do that
What do I care
about an American's hand?
If it's life or death,
I'll cut his fucking head off.
The other story that sort of
tickled me from America
Not quite as inspiring
I'll be absolutely honest with you
was the story of an English woman
and an American man.
This made the papers
earlier in the year
They were flying from JFK to London
Heathrow, never met each other before.
Flying at First Class.
They just knew each other for 8 hours
They were arrested
as they came in to land at Heathrow.
The reason They were arrested
because the lady was fellating the man.
It means sucking off.
As they came in to land, lady was
fellating the man. I prefer a boiled sweet.
l can't quite imagine how that happened.
Presumably at some point she turned to him
and said: "My ears are popping.
"Have you got a boiled sweet?"
And he said, "No, but I've got an idea."
Now have we got anyone from around
the country? Is any one in from The North?
- (Several people shout)
- Quite a few of you.
I ask you What's the point of a
North-South divide if you don't police it?
It is the peculiarity of United Kingdom
People from Liverpool tend to think people
from Manchester are a bunch of cunts.
And vice versa, people from Manchester
think people from Liverpool are cunts.
When will they realise?
l should apologise. I've used the C-word
rather a lot so far this evening and.. umm
l know a lot of people specially ladies
find that a little bit offensive.
There is of course an
alternative to "cunt".
l don't mean up the arse.
Are you all familiar with the phrase
"See you next Tuesday"?
It's the polite English way of saying the
C-word so as not to cause too much offence.
Although ironically I can't think
of too many situations
Where you wanna call someone a Cunt
but you don't wanna offend them
It's sort of what I like about it.
I'll have a bit of a sit-down.
I think..
Are you all right? Was this
the sort of thing you had in mind?
No. Right. OK. I'm fucked.
Who's come the furthest? Has anyone
come like.. a long way.. from overseas?
- (Man) Canvey island.
- Canvey lsland?
l know Canvey island, so I know you've
not come a long way from your home,
you've just brought it with you.
Did you come with him?
No. Good.
Canvey Island's the furthest
anyone came. Fuck you.
You were all in the area anyway?
- What's that?
- (Man replies in high-pitched voice)
Was that Dover, or were you castrated
before you got a chance to...
Right.
Were you worried about sounding silly so
you put on a ludicrous high pitched voice?
"That should sort things out."
Shouldn't it?
So you're a sailor, are you?
Imagine my surprise
at your high-pitched voice.
Hm. Bad things come in threes.
A good example of that is Atomic Kitten.
Every time I think about Atomic Kitten
Actually I'm slightly sad
Somewhere in the Northeast there's a
supermarket three checkout girls short.
l wrote that joke for a thing called
Worst Britons where I had to write jokes
About lots of celebrities. It was a
program that we put on Channel 4.
l wrote this as well,
if it's of any interest to you.
l went to a car-boot sale the other week
I found this old, brown,
bent leathery tool.
It turned out to be David Dickinson.
I don't know if anyone seen any of the
other TV shows that I made
I make a show called Distraction at the
moment. Has anyone seen that?
- (Cheering)
- Oh. And one person liked it?
That's good. If I can entertain
just one man, I'll have been shit.
Distraction it's quite good its Channel 4's
replacement to Sex And The City.
Just imagine the city is Dundee
and the sex is anal. You get the idea
l do another show called
Your Face Or Mine. Has any one seen that?
It's quite a good fun I think.
It's a fun show.
It's as shallow as a tinker's bath.
No offence. I didn't mean...
But you know it's quite a fun show.
It's basically about couples..
It's about looks in relationships.
- Who thinks looks are
important in a relationship?
- (Several voices) Yes.
Quite a few of you are
being honest this evening.
l sort of sit on the fence on that one.
Are looks important in a relationship?
You don't look at the fireplace
when you're poking the fire.
But you do
when it's sucking you off, so...
Are you two a couple?
Do you mind me
asking how on earth that happened?
What were you thinking?
- I don't know.
- You can do a lot better than that.
You're punching way above your weight.
Not just a lil bit
It's a different league.
Well done.
ls that money
or personality or...
low self-esteem on her part?
Lovely little mix of all three?
That's basically the show.Your Face or Mine
That's it. That's all we do.
We string that out for haIf an hour.
The magic of television.
Although It is quite awkward sometimes.
Cos its quite young couples on the show
And you know they are 19 or 20
and they are talking about their looks
It can be a bit awkward sometimes.
We had an incident on the show Where a woman
came on with a medical complaint.
I'm not sure what the correct medical
term is but she had a wonky face.
I'm pretty sure that's
not the correct medical term.
She wasn't an unattractive girl either
she was quite good looking
but one haIf of her face was a lot lower
than the other. Just a bit wonky
What happened is She sent in a
video tape to be on the show
And recorded
it rather coquettishly, like that.
Then she turned up and gone like that
and we all went like that.
And obviously the producer said,
"Well, This is quite a serious thing.
"It's a show about looks. She's got a
wonky face. We've got to address it."
l thought, "What am I gonna say?
What's with the wonky face, love?"
I didn't say that. I said:
"Could you tell me about your face?"
Luckily she played along. She said:
"Yes, There is a story behind this
When I was 11 I had a skiing accident.
"l was skiing down a hill
and I skied into the side of a chalet.
"l broke my leg, my arm,
jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket
"and I had to be airlifted
to the hospital."
And I said: "At least
you got to go in a helicopter."
Her face fell.
Sadly it didn't even up.
That would have been...
Rather miraculous.
l can't be the only person. In real life
l do constantly put my foot in it.
l can't be the only one that
does these kind of things
I've learned the hard way not to refer to
your partner as your "current girlfriend".
It suggests
you're looking for an upgrade.
That doesn't seem to keep them
on their toes the way you think it might
No, they don't like it.
I've also got a policy now
after several unfortunate incidents,
whereby I would rather see
a pregnant woman standing on a bus
than a fat girl sitting down crying.
Come on, we've all made
that mistake, haven't we?
The worst thing is,
you know immediately you've made it.
"When's it due?
"Hang on, there's nothing due.
"You just like your food."
It's a terrible moment
You just want the earth to open up and...
Swallow her.
Obviously It'd have to
be a fucking big hole.
Now the other time when I put my foot in it
But sort of deliberately is in charity shows
l do quite a lot of charity shows. I'm not
pretending to be particularly altruistic
I do them because
they are really good fun.
Loads of comics do a show.
There's about ten of us backstage.
We all hang out together.
It's like a little social and what we do is
We dare each other to open with
the most inappropriate line possible.
What happens is, I tend to win the bet
and not get invited back.
Which if you think about it is a double win
cos you don't get paid for those shows.
l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation.
Does Anyone know the Ashling Foundation?
No? They're a small charity, based in
London.They are an Irish charity
They take Irish builders and navvies
that came over in the '50s and '60s
And these are older guys
that have fallen on hard times.
They give them pensions and retirement
homes in the West Coast of Ireland.
l did a gig for them.
I thought it was a great charity.
I went out there I said: "It's lovely
to support the Ashling Foundation.
"I've got a new slogan for you.
"Fuck off home, the roads are finished."
Apparently they're famous
for their sense of humour.
Oh, no, they're fucking not.
The other.. The other charity that
l did a gig for last year was Stonewall.
You know Stonewall?
Largest gay charity in Europe.
I did a gig for them up in Edinburgh.
I went on and I said:
"It's lovely to be here in Edinburgh
"I'm not sure
about supporting Stonewall.
"Sure maybe If we raise enough money,
"Maybe one day we'll be
able to find a cure.
"But I'm not sure there's
anything wrong with being gay."
That was pretty much their reaction.
Although they were
slightly more theatrical.
l don't want to sound callous
or unkind or cruel
but the Children of Courage Awards...
How much courage
does it take to get poorly?
All I'm saying is Maybe we
could change the name
To the Children of Horrible Misfortune.
That way we could include
ugly children as well.
If anyone's sitting there thinking:
"I really didn't like that joke
I don't like the subject matter
l didn't think it was very funny,"
Imagine how it went down
at the Great Ormond Street gala.
Comedy's been pretty good to me
over the last couple of years.
I had a sort of good run here
l wanted to give something back.
l thought I'd do try and sort of put
some.. do some guerrilla comedy,
Put some comedy in places
where you don't normally find it.
Obviously you all you know.. come out
to a comedy show this evening
And people watching comedy
DVD tend to be in quite a good mood already.
What about the people
that are not having a good day?
What about the people.. I don't know,
reading the small ads?
I mean you can't be having a good time
If you are reading the small ads.
You're either buying something
second-hand or you filling in a personal.
And let's face it If you're summing
up your personality in 30 words or less
It basically means
you don't have a good one.
So what I thought I'd do put some
you know.. I've got a credit card,
I've got quite a good phone manner.
I'll place some small ads,
maybe cheer some people up along the way
- Would you like to see them?
- Yeah.
Course you fucking would.
This is the first one that I placed
l put it in the personals.
"Incurable romantic seeks filthy whore."
This one's slightly more
optimistic that that.
It's a bit more ambitious.
"Albino he-she seeks similar."
I've not had any responses to that as yet
but as soon as I get two I'll set up a
blind date and they won't believe their luck
This next one is the basis for all small ads
in my opinion, in the personals.
"Good-looking, athletic Nortting Hill
based movie star, millionaire,
"seeks gullible stunner."
The business opportunities section
of papers...
l travel up and down the
country doing lots of stand up gigs
and I always sort of read the local paper.
Business opportunities section,
useless for me
unless you want a cafe in Solihull.
No good
l thought I'd try and brighten it up
with an ad. I placed this
"Small minority wanted
to spoil it for the rest of us.
"There's always one - is it you?"
Now Sadly I didn't get any responses
at all to this next one.
"Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin
for elaborate practical joke."
Now The announcements section in a
local paper should be an interesting thing.
But it's not
It's Births, marriages and deaths.
Of course If you know the person involved
in being born, getting married or dying,
you know, you don't need to read it
in the paper, so it's a bit pointless.
My nan used to collect
anything to do with our family or friends.
She used to collect all the
personals from the local paper
She'd put them in a shoe box.
She collected them all for 50 years.
And then she died
and we put them in the bin.
That's not a joke,
that's just what happens.
Anyway, I thought I'd try and cheer up
the announcements section of the paper
l went with this ad.
"Amanda, I'm running a bit late.
"Will be there in about an hour.
"How far apart are the contractions?"
This next one is
well it's just playing odd.
l ended up putting it in public
and legal notices
Only because I was out of
ideas as to where to put it
"Nemesis wanted.
"I'm 5'10", into kayaking,
books and conversation by day,
"justice, honour and vengeance
by night.
"Seeking arch-enemy, possibly
crime lord or deformed megalomaniac."
This is not my finest piece of work
but I kind of like it.
"Speech impediment? There's a
New support group for the London area
"Call D-D-D-D-Dave..."
We set these up with real phone lines
so people could call if they wanted to.
We put an extra-long tape for that one
because complaints could take a while.
This one doesn't have a number.
l wanted to get the message out there.
"Does Anyone else think there's something
not quite right about Gary Lineker?"
This one might be handy for some
of the front row. I put it in lost section.
"Lost: Virginity. Yes! Get in!"
Does anyone here read Private Eye
magazine? Quite a few of you.
You can attest to the fact that the
small ads in back of Private Eye are mental.
They are the most mental thing I have seen
It's full of people saying things like
"I'm just doing a law degree and need
5,000 to complete my thesis."
And then bank account details.
It's the Everest of optimism.
l thought, "I'm getting in on that action."
l placed this.
"Needed: 20K. No questions asked."
Then two weeks later, when no one
came up with the money - terrible -
l put, "All right. 10K.
One question. Nothing personal."
I'm willing to compromise.
I'm reasonable man.
There's a "for sale" section
in all of these magazines around the country
"Hitachi washing machine DX250, under
warranty until kill, kill, kill them all,
"February 2004, in perfect working order,
180 or nearest offer."
The reason I'm so pleased with that
is cos I phoned it in.
The only thing the operator said to me was,
"ls that four kills?"
"Yeah." "Fine."
"For sale: holiday photos -
choice of ski, sun or city break.
"Ideal for anecdote or alibi."
"For sale: bonsai tree. Large."
The other thing
I've got quite obsessed by is...
You know the adverts you get on railings
at busy intersections in roads?
Up and down the country you get those
You've all seen those, yeah?
What kind of nutters reply to those?
A lot of people are out of work and think,
"The railings, that's the answer.
"Not a Jobcentre or a friend of a friend.
I'll just go with the railing."
Anyway I thought what I'll do
"I'll set up some of my own.
"I'll put them up around West London
and I'll see who calls."
Nutters, it turns out.
l needn't have bothered my arse.
I'll take you through some of
ones I did anyway
"Get rich quick!
Simply Set up a premium-rate phone line.
"To find out how, just call 0900..."
"Lose weight fast!
Fed up of dieting and exercise?
"Incredible results guaranteed!
"Try amoebic dysentery!"
"ls your memory letting you down?
What about your memory?
"ls it letting you down?
"Call for an information pack right now
before you forget."
"Money worries?
Work from home. Earn pounds.
"You don't even have to get out of bed!
"To find out more, just call Pimp Jimmy."
Well, this is the last one of these.
"Am you grammar letting we down?
"Private tuition available. Now call now."
I don't know if this has ever
happened to any of you but
l split up with my last girlfriend
because she was very hypocritical.
She'd say, "l love surprises," but when
she heard I was sleeping with her sister...
My girlfriend always says, "You never
tell me how much you love me."
l don't want to upset her.
A couple of weeks ago we were making
love and she had an asthma attack.
l did briefly think I was doing rather well.
At about 90 second two-minute mark I thought
"She's laying this on a bit thick."
Either she wants something
or she's not well.
l totally panicked.
I didn't know what to do
So I phoned a friend of mine
who's a doctor. H lives just down the road
l said to him
"What shall I do?"
He said, "Don't panic. Could be quite
serious. Probably isn't but I'll pop over."
l said, "What shall I do in the meantime?"
He said, "Finish yourseIf off."
Don't give me that look.
It was the right thing to do.
l realize I shouldn't take the
piss out of asthmatics.
They have got enough to worry about
The National asthmatic emergency
helpline service was shut down recently.
Apparently a problem
with all the obscene phone calls.
A lot of asthmatics in?
No. I would have heard you.
I don't know if anyone's got this
Are there lots of couples in this evening?
How many couples do we have?
Quite a few, by show of hands.
How many by shouting out?
- (Several people shout)
- Hundreds. Brilliant.
Does anyone have this
arrangement in their relationship?
It's becoming ever more common now
for couples to have an arrangement
whereby they're faithful to each other
but they have got a clause whereby
if one of them was to meet
a certain celebrity,
they'd be allowed to stray.
Has anyone got that going on
in their relationship?
- Who have you got?
- (Man) You!
Right.
l notice that you're
sitting next to a lady.
- (Inaudible comment)
- You're gonna do what at home?
- Kill me.
- She's gonna kill you? Right.
Or strap one on and fuck you, certainly.
It'll be one or the other.
Anyone else got one?
- You've got one? Who have you got?
- Jim Carrey.
All right. He might be up for it.
And who's your boyfriend got?
"Anything, I'm not bothered"?
What? Sorry?
- Anything good-looking.
- Anything good-looking?
A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely.
You can't say that.
The reason I mentioned is because I have
got an arrangement with my girlfriend
Whereby I get the opportunity
to sleep with Kylie Minogue,
she can fuck off.
Are you all aware of what snowballing is?
The sexual practice snowballing?
- (Man) Yeah.
- Who was that down there?
Quite proud of that. Well done.
Everyone else, nonetheless. OK I'll explain
It says something about you.
Snowballing is a sexual practice where
Having administered oral sex,
your partner doesn't spit or swallow
so much as return to sender via a kiss.
You're looking shocked and appalled
as I explained that to you.
Let me assure you,
l found out the hard way.
It does raise
an interesting moral dilemma.
Should you spit or swallow?
Well, if you really love yourself.
l can see some friends of mine up there
And You're explaining it to your mum.
What a brilliant day out that'll be.
What a lovely drive home.
"So, this snowballing thing..."
Ha-ha! Marvellous.
- Are there any Catholics in?
- (A few people shout)
A few. I'm a lapsed Catholic. I don't know
much about Catholicism but I like the ideas.
l like the idea of the confirmation.
Confirmation correct me if I'm wrong
It's when you're about 12
and you meet a bishop.
And he says to you,
"You're definitely a Catholic."
l don't know if he does that.
He says, "You're definitely a Catholic."
He confirms you. You are confirmed
I think it's a very good idea. I think
Other religions could do with that.
I think The Jews could do with that.
I've got a lot of friends that are Jew
They always say:
"I'm Jewish."
A new book's out called
Better Than Sex With Claire Rayner.
A lot of things in that fucking category.
I'm struggling to think of anything
that wouldn't make the mark.
l suppose the Rwandan genocide
might just edge it.
(Groaning)
Well... Good. I was in a book store
last week there were third off all titles.
l bought The Lion, The Witch.
l said to the PhD English graduate -
sorry, shop assistant -
"What's this Psycho The Rapist
section?"
She said, "I'll think you'll find
that's pronounced Psychotherapist."
I don't know if you are all aware of this
Are you all aware of the fact that..
Christopher Reeve
wrote a book last year?
He wrote a book called:
"Nothing ls Impossible"
I said he wrote it he dictated it.
It's not important
Come on
Just on the fly leaf cover
of the book it says:
"Since the accident,
Christopher's never looked back."
I mean Fair enough, but there's
no need to rub it in, is there?
l met an incredible girl on the Internet.
Smart, sexy, uninhibited.
Of course It turned out to be
a 12-year-old paraplegic boy.
I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.
Ohh! I think we've reached
a barrier there, haven't we?
We will laugh at that and nothing more.
Fair enough.
A couple of weeks ago
l failed to perform sexually.
(Laughter)
How is that a laughing matter?
Couple of weeks ago I failed
to perform Sexually
I'm not going to go into details.
Suffice it to say I arrived early.
My girlfriend said,
Don't worry That happens to a lot of guys
l said, "There's two things
the matter with that.
"Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'?
"Secondly, if this happened
to more than one of us...
"Don't you think it
could be your fault?"
She says there's never an excuse
to raise your hand to a woman.
What if you've got a question?
She says because she's a woman, she is good
at doing two things at the same time
If that's the case why's a threesome
out of the question?
I was in the high street the other day
There was a girl with the clip board
She said: "Could you spare
a few minutes for Cancer Research?"
l said, "All right We're not
gonna get much done.
"We can pop in to Boots,
see if they've got anything."
You know that disclaimer they put at the end
of films? You know the one that says
"The characters and the events
in this film are purely fictitious."
"Any relation to real characters
and events is coincidental." Yeah?
Do they really need that
on Lord Of The Rings?
ls anyone watching that thinking,
"This is a brilliant documentary.
"l might think about
going to New Zealand on my holidays.
"Wait. I don't want it ruined
by Saruman and his Orc army"?
Your hair. Well, I'm just saying.
l like the Spice Girls
as much as the next man but...
It's... No, it's... Mm.
l can't help noticing
you've got a tattoo on your...
Well, it's your boob, isn't it, really?
It draws the eye. What is that, exactly?
- A rose.
- It's a rose.
As if boobs aren't fun enough
as they are.
She thought, I tell ya
I'll brighten these things up.
Loads of fellows are gonna like these
"What do guys like? They like flowers.
"I'll get a picture of a flower."
Did you not think.. what do you like..
What kind of thing?
You look like the sort of bloke
that would like cars and guns and tanks.
Why not get a nice tattoo
of a tank on your tit?
Lovely. He could be going,
"Ooh, is that a Sherman?"
Cos flowers, unless he's secretly gay...
And I'll be honest, there's a lot
of earrings and spiky hair...
Good. Fine.
l remember before J.Lo,
before the term "ghetto booty",
when we used to just call it a fat arse.
J.Lo's had her bum insured
for $10 million.
Don't know if that covers contents.
l was talking to my nan about Ant
and Dec. She didn't know which was Ant.
l said, "Do you know which one Dec is?"
She said, "Yeah."
My girlfriend asked me recently
one of the big questions in life.
She said to me,
"Do you want to have children?"
l thought about it,
I thought: "God,
ls there any truer expression of the love
That you have for another person
That to have a child with them?"
Cos really that is a bond that lasts
forever. It's not like getting married
Marriages break up. But..
Having a child together,
You know you gonna be bonded
through that child for
the rest of your life.
Then I thought about the money.
I thought how expensive is it bringing up
The child. Apparently
It's the most expensive thing you can do.
It costs $100,000 to bring up a child
up to the age of 18.
It's incredible amount of money
It's not like buying a house,
where you can sell it on
It doesn't appreciate. That's just gone.
Then I thought about education of child
Would I sent him to
State school or private school?
I'm doing all right
l might think about private school..
But I probably end up sending
it to state school and then..you know
Maybe I'd compromise on that
become a bit of hypocrite
end up reading the Daily Mail,
going to parent-teacher meetings,
becoming my dad. It'd be awful.
Then I thought, More about well,
Why am I thinking about having a child?
"Why don't I think
about adopting a child?
"Isn't it just about the
family unit and love
rather than just having a little
mini-me running around the place
Then I thought about how much it'd
mean to have my family name live on
and what it would mean
to my nearest and dearest.
Then I thought again about
relationship with my girlfriend
how That would change I'd probably end up
calling her Mum or something
Be sort of really change..
And that'd change my life
It would change my life,
probably ruin it.
l weighed up all the pros and all the cons
and in the end I said no.
Of course, by then I'd come.
Luckily, all over her tits.
Mum understood that? Good.
Right.
You know Ladies and Gentlemen
One of my ambitions is to write a book.
Like many comedians, I'd love to
write a book
l don't really wanna write a novel.
because I don't know if you ever
Read a Novel by a comedian
But they are shite.
We don't seem very good at it..
That you know...
It requires having an idea that lasts
more than 30 seconds. Not gonna happen
So what I thought I'd do
is a book of correspondence.
That way you're getting someone else
to do haIf the work. Always thinking.
- Would you like to hear them?
- Yes.
Good, otherwise we'd be having
some quiet time.
This is the first letter that I wrote.
It's to my local MP. Chris Smith.
"Dear Mr Smith, Do you get
tired of people writing to you..
Clearly just wasting your time
And have nothing better to do?"
This is to Charlie Statham,who is the head
doctor of NHS Direct in West London.
"Dear sir, I heard about a doctor took out
an appendix with a coat hanger on a plane
Now I'm not a qualified doctor
But I do take an interest
I've got all the proper kit.
"Could you talk me
through the procedure?
"Please write back soon.
She's in terrible pain."
ls anyone in here
a member of Amnesty International?
Someone's timidly put up a hand. Are
you worried about being persecuted?
l wrote a letter to the head of Amnesty
International in the UK.I hope you like it
It's to Kate Allen,
director of Amnesty International UK.
"Dear madam, I like what you people do.
"Writing letters to complain
about human rights violations
"is like a political version
of Point Of View.
"The BBC or fascist leader
may not change what they do as a result
"but at least you slow down their day
as they wade through the post bag.
"I'd be surprised if they got round
to torturing anyone before 11:30.
The number of letters you send
Lots of People do nothing because they
know they cannot change the world
"but you good people are not deterred from
making futile gestures for human rights,
"and l, for one, applaud you.
"Inspired by your unilateral approach
l decided to hold a fund raising dinner
on your behaIf in my home
"l charged people 20 a head,
to come and enjoy a meal
and drinks
with all profits to go to Amnesty.
"Although a success creatively,
we went with a South American theme,
"unfortunately the groceries were
expensive as was the booze
In the end I made a loss.
"You now owe me 57.40."
Amnesty, God bless them, got back to me
almost immediately with this letter
To be honest,
it's a little bit condescending.
"Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your letter I was delighted
to hear that you're a supporter of Amnesty.
"You do appear to have a few
misunderstandings about the work we do
"so I've enclosed a copy of our
new information leaflet, What We Do."
Which, fair enough, is a very good name
for an information leaflet.
"I've also enclosed a copy of our new
annual review, Human Rights Before Profit."
I've had a flick through
and it's no way to run a company.
"Regarding your recent
fund raising dinner,
"I'm sorry to hear all your energy
and creativity which you put into event
"did not resuIt in you making
your planned donation.
"l usually advise our supporters to
start small and build up with fund raising
"It's also an excellent idea to work out
a simple budget beforehand
"and have a think about
just how many people you can attract
as guests to your event
"This helps immeasurably with planning your
expenditure and setting your ticket price
"and hopefully will ensure a different
outcome at your next fund raiser
"In terms of your request that Amnesty
reimburse you for the loss
I'm afraid I'll have to say no."
Well I was very disappointed
and $57.40 out of pocket.
But I had a money making idea
Who here buys Fair Trade products?
Anyone? Quite a few of you.
Tea, coffee, sugar, that kind of thing.
l think I spotted a gap in the market,
so I wrote them a letter.
"I'm writing because I think I've spotted
a gap in the market." Told you.
"No one is more exploited
than the farmer of the cocoa leaf.
"Whilst drug barons get rich exploiting
both 3rd world farmers
And Ist World and recreational users,
"we stand by and do nothing.
"l propose a Fair Trade
cocaine joint venture.
"l have a contact in distribution,
"and you guys have the perfect cover
to sail through customs.
"Who knows, if it all takes off, we could
end up millionaires...
Brackets
(and help the poor.)
l wrote this one to Martin Bell, the man
in the white suit, political campaigner.
"Dear Mr Bell, your personal assistant
is keeping things from you."
I've not had a reply to that
which would seem to suggest I'm right.
This is what I wrote to...
In terms of taste and decency,
we take a bit of a dark turn here.
Let's be honest
It's a letter I wrote to David Yelland
when he was editor of the Sun.
"Dear Yelland."
l thought that was good.
Tabloidy, strong.
Dear Yelland, There is been a lot of talk
about genetic engineering.
Obviously its a very complex area.
Could you tell me?
ls it wrong to breed piglets
Specifically for the purpose
of weaning paedophiles off babies?
Only I'm thinking of
starting a company with a slogan:
'They'll squeal, but not to the cops.'
l think it's morally acceptable to write
that letter I think it's OK to laugh
but to applaud really that
is bad taste.
l wrote this to Sir John Stevens,
Metropolitan Police Commissioner.
"Dear Sir John, I've got
a bet on with a friend.
l say most policemen are just
nice guys doing their job
"He says all coppers are cunts.
"Which is it?"
What shall we do here?
Very much your decision.
I wrote a letter to Stephen Hawking?
Would you like to hear it?
- (All) Yes.
- Fine.
On your own heads be it. It's to Stephen
Hawking in Cambridge University.
"Dear Professor, I know
you get lots of letters..
asking you all sort of things
about the nature of the universe
"and I also know you don't
have a lot of time
On you hands to be answering
all of them in great detail.
"But Perhaps this question from my
nine-year old will inspire you a little.
"He is severely disabled
and has similar limitations to you
"but equally he has a great spirit
and refuses to give in on a world
"ready to dismiss him
"as a four-eyed, Mono Tonal
voice-box wheelchair-bound freak.
"Anyway, What he'd like to know is,
would you like to come over and play?"
Obviously When you've sent a letter
like that you're not expecting a reply.
You are Certainly not
expecting a phone call.
But that's what I got
My younger Patrick brother
answered the phone
and passed it to me and said
it's Stephen Hawking's assistant.
l was slightly taken aback.
She was enquiring
as to the name of my son.
Now The only disability my son has
is that tragically he's fictitious.
But as i said My younger brother Patrick
had answered the phone, so I said Patrick.
Gave the name and Then she asked
about his disabilities and I...
You know what u find on daytime TV
I was able to cobble something together.
And the reason I did that was not
to sort of continue the joke
l thought she'd be embarrassed on
phone if I say it was a silly joke,
so I thought I don't wanna embarrass her
I'd say it and that would be the end to it.
But it wasn't the end to it at all
About two weeks later I received this letter
And She sent me a biography
of Stephen Hawking with a photo.
It's not signed.
About a week after that I got this letter
from Stephen Hawking himself.
It's absolutely genuine.
I'll read it to you now.
"Dear Patrick, my assistant Karen
has sent me a letter from your father
"who tells me you've invited me
to come over and play.
"It's very kind of you to send
me the invitation
but unfortunately I'm teaching
at Caltech in Pasadena until 1st May."
Ooh.
"So I can't take you up on your offer.
"Even though I am 60,
l think it's never too late to play.
"One of my birthday treats was to go for a
balloon ride and that was really exciting
"If you're interested,
contact Ian at Innovative Ballooning.
"There's the contact details
and phone number."
l did contact him
and he'd bought us a balloon ride.
l did briefly considered crippling
my brother to take him up on it.
The reason I sort of shared that with you
Ladies and Gentlemen
Cos you know it's all a bit
clever-clever, sending people letters and
kind of running away
but that one went horribly wrong.
And I also thought it demonstrated
that Stephen Hawking is
Not only a brilliant man but a brilliant
bloke. What a lovely thing to do
You know, he's... Fair enough.
Having said that ..responding to a letter
where you, yourseIf are described
as a four-eyed mono tonal voice-box
wheelchair-bound freak...
maybe not that clever.
This is the last letter, It's the letter I
wrote to HSBC. Anyone bank with HSBC?
- (Several voices) Yes.
- Quite few of you. Here's the letter.
"Dear Sir or Madam, I really love
your latest HSBC commercials,
"the ones about cultural diversity..
And the importance of communicative
sensitivity in international finance.
"Having said that I must take issue
with the statement you make
"that the rudest thing in you can do in
Thailand is to reveal the soles of your feet
"Now, I've been to Thailand,
in my year off,
"and I can tell you, you can do things
a lot ruder than that there.
"A lot ruder.
"My friend Keith shat
in a hooker's mouth for a tenner.
"l just wanted to let you know in case
you are thinking about doing another ad
"about Holland or something."
Thank you.
My girlfriend said she
wanted me to tease her.
l said, "All right, fatty."
Things don't always work out
the way you think.
l always thought it would be my mum
that would catch me masturbating.
You think you're shocked.
Imagine my surprise.
According to Official statistics say one
third of accidents at work go unreported.
How on earth do they know?
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend
And I used to think he
went everywhere with me.
That i could talk to him he could hear me
and he could grant me wishes and stuff.
And then I grew up
and I stopped going to church.
(Some laughter)
That seems to have
divided the room somewhat.
There's two distinct groups there,
There's people that thought that was funny,
And there is a larger group
who will be going to heaven.
While we are on subject of religion
l imagine there's quite a few
people in here that go to Mass
or wherever Protestants go -
hell, I'd imagine. I don't know..
Have you all seen the new
Mel Gibson film?
The Passion Of The Christ.
It's upset an awful lot of Christians.
They are very up..
They are up in arms about it
He made a film about life
of the Christ
but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood
ending where the hero comes back at the end
(Raucous laughter)
Does she love the little baby Jesus?
Does she love the little
baby Jesus or not?
ls she going for a wee?
ls it a wee or a poo?
Shall we time her?
It's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?
When people say they hear voices
in their heads -
as opposed to where, exactly?
Hearing voices in your legs,
that's properly mental.
l saw an advert for
aduIt literacy classes..
in the newspaper.
Are there any single men
in this evening? Anyone single?
You're single. Well..
Don't panic. I've got some advice for you
If you really like a girl and she says
to you, "l love you like a brother,"
suggest a weekend in Norfolk.
Unless you're from Norfolk,
in which case it probably is your sister.
- You don't look like you're from Norfolk.
- I'm from Thetford in Norfolk.
You're from Thetford in Norfolk?
Right.
- ls that your sister? Girlfriend? Both?
- Sister.
And you're here with your sister?
Not really, though?
"Saturday night out, I'll take my sister.
She's a looker."
Have you ever with...
I'm only asking.
Do you think your sister's attractive,
can I ask?
- Do you think she's attractive?
- She's OK.
Would you give her one?
That was very low. Sorry.
What about you, love?
l can't believe that. He's from Norfolk
and he's brought his sister.
It could scarcely be better.
I'm amazed you didn't bring your mum.
Did you split up?
Oh, marvellous. I imagine
your family tree's a straight line, is it?
It's just a piece of timber.
Sorry. I may have misjudged this.
It looks like as if...
There may be a short fight after the gig,
which I imagine I'll be losing.
Where is she? Do you think
she's got bladder problems?
Maybe some sort of yeast infection?
We'll ask her when she comes back.
l just hope
she hasn't got any vaginal difficulties.
It's a lovely word, isn't it, "vaginal"?
Oh, clearly not.
I got a friend that picked up
two girls last week.
l said, "They're like buses."
He said, "Yeah, you wait ages
and then two come along at once"
l said, "No. They are like buses."
Someone complained about that joke
couple of weeks ago, after a show.
Quite a big-boned girl.
She said to me,
"l think you're fattist."
l said, "No, no, no. I think you're fattest."
Someone calls Admiral Insurance
every six seconds for a quote.
What a nutter.
Environmentalists tell us that every day
an area the size of Wales is destroyed.
Why is it never Wales?
Are there Welsh people in this evening?
- (Woman) Yes.
- You're from Wales? Don't worry.
Do you know what
the most common crime is in Wales?
No? Hang on, I've got to ask someone
about her fufu.
That's a long time for a pee.
Are you all right?
- You're fine? ls that better?
- Yeah.
Bless you. I'm just talking to your friend
about being from Wales.
Do you know what the most common
crime is in Wales? have a Guess.
- Guess.
- Sheep shagging.
Sheep shagging?
Well, that's rather insulting, isn't it?
And to add insuIt to injury, you're wrong.
It's not sheep shagging. It's ram raiding.
The second most common crime
is having sex with a minor.
If anyone's offended, look for the
other meaning you will be fine.
l bought my girlfriend a book called
Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking.
Which is ideal for her
because not only is she a vegetarian...
She's reading a book at the moment
called, Women That Love Too Much,
which I think could have
the title shortened to Sluts.
The reason old men use Viagra
is not because they're impotent,
it's because old women are so very ugly.
When it comes to the environment,
Its not us but our children...
And our children's children
that will pay for our mistakes.
Which is a relief.
No matter how much you give
a homeless person for a cup of tea,
you never get that tea.
Throwing acid is wrong...
in some people's eyes.
l went up to the airport information desk.
l said, "How many airports
are there in the world?"
She said, "l don't know."
I went up to the check-in desk the
girl said to me "Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "Window seat or you'll what?
Are you threatening me?"
She said, "No, No, No, calm down.
Window seat or aisle?"
l said, "I'll have a seat."
l bought one of those round-the-world air
ticket. 1200. Amazing value.
37 hours later, I arrived at Heathrow.
A lot of people say modern art
is pretentious but I look at it like this...
Boxers don't have sex before a fight.
Do you know why that is?
They don't fancy each other.
If you eat a lot of spicy food
you can damage your sense of taste.
When I was in India last year,
I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Every year in this country thousands of dogs
are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed.
Every night hundreds
of homeless people go hungry.
All I'm saying is...
it wouldn't happen in Korea.
I'd like to take this opportunity to
recommend Korean food.
to each and everyone of you.Their
cuisine is delicious. Their delicacies.
They're the dog's bollocks.
On holiday I went walking in the Lakes.
It's called swimming.
While I was there..
l met a beautiful girl and fell in love
but she was going out with friend of mine
so I had to hide the way I felt.
That's not easy, wearing Speedos.
Men tend to fall asleep directly after sex.
All I'm saying is,
maybe if women put a bit more into it...
Sorry, that's not meant
to be misogynistic in any way
l was reading, in Tits And Arse magazine,
Very interesting and informative article.
It was about the difficulties
of asking your partner for anal sex
It was entitled
What If She Takes It The Wrong Way?
l see you're shifting uncomfortably.
l didn't mean to offend you.
Whatever you decide about anal sex,
I'm sure he'll be right behind you.
It's easier to get forgiveness
than permission.
l just thought I'd slip that in.
What I'd like to do.I've done a couple
of interviews on television.
I've done Des O'Connor,
I have done Parkinson.
l was all right on them
I was fine but I wasn't brilliant
and I'd like to get better
So what I'd like to do is
to practice with a member
of the audience, doing an interview.
- Now, Would anyone like to interview me?
- (Woman) Yes.
Yes. Right. Her.
What's your name? What?
(Inaudible response)
I tell you what
We'll discuss it here because
it sounds to me
like you don't have a proper name.
But The lady in the blue,
as you will now be known.
You want to stick a mic on her?
Unless you're busy.
Unless you're busy standing by a door.
I'll be honest, she could get up as well.
Christ!
Thank God she could get up,
cos that would...
Come over here.
- Come and sit down. Hello.
- I thought I was sitting in my own chair.
You thought you were sitting
In your own chair? Unlucky.
- I thought it was a joke. You thought it
was a joke? - Well, it sort of is.
Have you not seen a pattern emerging?
There's a list of questions.
What's your name?
- I don't make up my own questions?
- You can make up your own. Feel free.
- My name is Blanid.
- Blanid?
- It's Irish.
- It's Irish for what? Typo?
- I'm not gonna tell you
- What is it Irish for?
- (Man) Flower.
- That's it. Yeah.
- What kind of flower?
- Little flower.
- Not self-raising?
- No.
- Little flower?
- Yeah.
- It's not difficult.
- ls it spelt...
Oh, well, fair enough.
All right, little flower.
l just worry, on the DVD,
if you're watching this back at home,
l can pronounce "blonde", right?
Blanid. Go ahead.
Kick off. Ask anything you want.
I've got those there but you know...
Do you want me to speak from this?
Do you want me to ask these questions?
It's not complicated.
- OK.
- Right back at you.
It would appear, Blanid,
I've got the skills to pay the bills.
- Great to have you here.
- Great to be here.
What do you...
Try and hold it together.
You're not Graham Norton.
No, I'm not Graham Norton.
What do you think about fame?
I'm glad you've asked.
A lot of people ...
A lot of people they get their
first little taste of fame
And they let it go to their heads.
They end up in Priory Clinic talking
about themselves in the third person.
Let me assure you
Jimmy Carr's not gonna let that happen.
Who would you most like to sleep with,
anyone living or dead?
Anyone living.
What...
This could take a while.
Which is your greatest regret?
They say you should regret
the things you have done
Not the things you have not..
but my greatest regret is something
that I didn't do, a girl called Barbara.
OK. What...
Do I look like a wife-beater now,
because she's crying?
(Blanid gasps)
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.
l think I might be giving her an orgasm.
I'm not S....
I've never seen it before.
I've got no frame of reference.
Don't worry, you're not.
Don't have a go.
Which words or phrases
do you most overuse?
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.
All I'm saying is...
When you think about it...
Can I park here? ls it in yet?
Where do you get your ideas from?
l think it's the cerebellum
but it could be the frontal cortex.
- Which book changed your life?
- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
- What is your most embarrassing...
- Hang on. There's more to that.
Feed line, punch line, then we move on.
OK, go for it. What is
your favourite record of all time?
It's a different question.
- Go back to the book, damn it.
- OK.
- What book changed your life?
- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.
Before I got that book,
we had a wonky table in the kitchen.
What's...
What's the worst heckle
you've ever had?
l was doing a gig in Bristol
and told a joke, Not a brilliant joke..
"Has anyone been caught thieving
in the Middle East?
"Let's have a show of hands."
A bloke about four rows back
held up a hook.
Properly Abu Hamza style.
To my eternal shame I said,
"Give him a big hand."
- You're going to edit all this, I hope.
- Well, your bits, yeah.
How do you relax?
l put Smarties tubes on cats' legs
and make them walk like a robot.
If I'm really tense,
l make it go down the stairs.
- They get a bit confused.
- Yeah.
A cat looking confused is brilliant.
Little face...
- What makes you angry?
- When I can't get the lid off the Valium.
Which historical figure
do you most admire?
Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.
What would you like to do
before you die?
Kylie.
So predictable.
Any other questions of your own...
Any other questions of your own?
Any questions?
Most people would just read that
and think of a question.
Oh... me..
So you're Irish, are you?
Imagine my surprise. I'm actually...
Where in Ireland?
- Dublin. - I'm actually what
people refer to as a "plastic Paddy".
- I've got Irish parents and Irish passport
- But you were born grew up in England?
No, I was born in Ireland,
Irish passport, Irish parents...
I've got an Irish passport,
everything Irish.
But I speak like this and present myself
like this because I was educated in the UK.
Goes to show what you can do
when you apply yourself.
Every time I speak to an Irish person,
Now, I'm slightly saddened.
l think it doesn't have to be this way.
Well, I think you've done a wonderful job,
Blon... Blondee.
- Blanid.
- Blanid.
Thank you.
Thanks very much for talking to me.
- Thank you... Indeed
- Johnny... Jimmy... Sorry.
That was low, wasn't it?
Give her a big round of applause.
Thank you very much indeed.
Thanks very much. That was lovely.
If you had to choose between
saving your own life and saving
the life of a loved one
most people agree
it would make a brilliant game show.
Mother always said, "If you haven't got
anything nice to say, fuck off."
l read an interview with Margaret Thatcher
a Couple of years ago
And in it she was talking about her funeral.
She said:
"l don't want my funeral to be a morbid
affair. I want it to be a celebration."
l thought,
"You won't be disappointed, love."
My sister had a baby, I went to see it
She said, "Do you Want to wind him?"
l said, "I'll give him a dead leg, shall l?"
Cats have got nine lives, which
makes them ideal for experimentation.
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas,
so do be careful at the office party.
Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad
That's embarrassing.
l didn't know
they knew how to use the camcorder.
A very common male fantasy
is two women at the same time.
One to cook, one to clean.
(Groaning)
Easy. I'm joking. They want to fuck them.
l live quite near a special needs school.
There's a sign outside.
It says, "Slow children".
l thought that can't do much
for their self-esteem.
But look on the positive side.
Of course, They can't read it.
I'm afraid that's almost all I've got time
for this evening Ladies and Gentlemen
Just one thing left that I'd like to do
which is go through Jimmy Carr merchandise,
if we could just lock the doors.
I've gone for some comedy T-shirts,
which I'd like to show you they are up here
The comedy T-shirt, it's
an underutilised medium, in my opinion.
Hang on. What?
It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Sell a bit of ware.
The Rolling Stones do it. Why not me?
This is the first one I did.
"I'm with stupid." What do you think?
You could wear it
and the person next to you...
It's got "jimmycarr.com" on the sleeve.
On the back it says, "National
Association of Special Needs Carers".
Who thought that was it?
"My girlfriend went on a UN trip to
investigate child labour in the Far East
"and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
There's a very serious issue. Children as
young as 10 are working 80 hours a week
in sweatshops in the Far East
stitching trainers.
l wouldn't mind,
but it's the workmanship that suffers.
This one's rather predictable.
But it's kind of fun
"The Christian
Alliance Against Bad Language...
"Can Fuck Off."
Got Another religious one. But for a reason
This is the best-selling T-shirt ever
"Jesus loves you."
The most popular T-shirt ever.
"He's not 'in love' with you."
l was gonna go for "He's not fussy
about looks." But I thought no.
Incidentally, if we're all God's children,
what's so special about Jesus?
This is "Love hurts".
That's a nice sentiment, isn't it?
Shows a sensitive side. "Love hurts.
"Try a lubricated finger."
This takes a little bit of explaining.
It's: "True love waits."
It's The slogan of the Promise Keepers.
They're an organization in America
that believe in holding on to their
virginity and chastity until marriage.
Britney Spears was a member. There's
footage of her leaving on the internet.
"True love waits" is such a lovely slogan.
It deserves a T-shirt.
"Pulls out and comes on her tits."
l imagine you've got the hang of this.
Guess this one.
It's "See no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil."
No idea? "See no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil.
"Rohypnol."
There was a story in the paper
earlier this year
about an Englishman arrested in
Ayia Napa for taking advantage of 3 girls
by putting Rohypnol in their drinks.
What's the world coming to?
In Ayia Napa?
You're telling me Rohypnol
is now cheaper than 3 Bacardi Breezers?
Now, this one... The man on my right,
your left, is on fire.
Can you all see that? He's on fire.
"Special Olympics torch arrives."
l did briefly consider the phrase
"flame-retarded". I thought no.
Let's not get out of hand.
Well, This is the last one.
I'm going to leave you with this.
It's been a pleasure talking
to you this evening obviously..
This is a lovely T-shirt.
"World's Best Dad."
- Are there any dads in?
- Yes.
This may be a nice thing to wear
round the house. Wear it with pride.
"World's Best Dad.
"l fucked your mum."
I've been Jimmy Carr. You've been
absolutely lovely. Thank you. Cheers.
(Cheering and whistling)
(Cheering and whistling)
I don't know if that's ever
happened to any of you
You've had quite a good day at work,
You had everything done that you needed
and then you've been kept behind
at the end for some reason.
Anyway, thanks very much.
Right, the encore. I suppose
I'd better do some more jokes, really.
- How many do you want?
- (Man) Ten.
l can do ten. Shall we count them down?
Yeah, why don't we count them down?
Fuck it.
I have got a friend, She's got a theory
She reckons the way
to drive a man wild with desire
is to nibble on his ear lobes
for hours and hours.
l think it's bollocks.
One. One.
Hang on. All together or not at all.
(All) One.
We've got to do this ten times.
I've talked myseIf into a corner.
My mum told me the best time to ask
my dad for anything was during sex.
Not the best advice I've ever been given.
l burst in and said,
"Can I have a new bike?"
He was very upset.
His secretary
was surprisingly nice about it.
l got the bike.
(All) Two.
At the races, my friend said, "Don't back
the heavily-handicapped horses."
l said, "I'm not a fucking idiot.
l know that for them
it's all about taking part.
In their own way, they're all winners."
(Audience) Three.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread
with cheese and tomato.
Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a pizza.
(Audience) Four.
Well, four and fuck off.
Not you.
A lot of people say men
with big flashy cars have tiny cocks.
Am I the only one that reckons women
with Espaces and people-carriers...
Well, clearly not.
l thought
l was gonna have to say "bucket fanny".
Thankfully, that's been avoided.
(Audience) Five.
Ladies, if you get a burning sensation
when you pee, it could be three things.
It could be cystitis,
it could be a bush fire...
or it could be
someone's talking about your vagina.
(Audience) Six.
When it comes to charity,
a lot of people will stop at nothing.
(Audience) Seven.
l saw a charity appeal
in the Guardian a few weeks ago.
"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles
every day to fetch water."
l couldn't help thinking...
"She should move."
(Audience) Eight.
I've sponsored a child in Africa.
She's got the Jimmy Carr T-shirt and hat.
But I worry if it's doing any good.
I've not got any more bookings.
(Audience) Nine.
l was out last week collecting
for a sponsored walk.
In the end I raised so much money,
l was able to afford a taxi.
(Audience) Ten.
Just before the end of the show,
ladies and gentlemen...
- We've had fun, haven't we?
- (All) Yes.
It was a laugh. I enjoyed myself.
Fuck you.
No, thank you very much for coming.
l don't want to bring you down
at the end of the show
but I'd like to tell you
this frightening fact, to end on this.
If you took all the money that we in
the West spend on food in just one week,
you could feed the Third World
for one year.
l don't know about you,
but I can't help feeling
we're being overcharged
for our groceries.
I've been Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers.
(Whistling and cheering)
Thanks very much.
Cheers. Bye.
(Band plays National Anthem)