Jimmy the Gent (1934) Movie Script
Hello, Mr Corrigan's office.
Mrs Greenbaum?
Oh, I thought I recognized your voice.
Hm? Oh, you want to know if Mr Corrigan
sent you that copy of your aunt's will?
Just a sec.
Hey, Jitters, has that gone out yet?
No it ain't. What do you think I am,
an octopus,
with a thousand hands or something?
Sure, Mrs Greenbaum, it's in the mail.
You're welcome.
Hello, Mr Corrigan's office.
You better run that Roger Clinton ad
in the Canadian papers, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, and repeat an ad on
Mrs Oppenheimer.
That's it, yeah.
Hello, hello,
Louie come in yet?
No, Mr Corrigan, he ain't come in yet.
No, well send that slug in
as soon as he gets here, will ya?
Sure, yeah, I'll tell him.
If that Louie knows what's good for him,
he'll never come in.
Hey, Bessie, has Louie come in yet?
Not yet. When you hear something drop,
that'll be Louie.
No, Mr Corrigan, I did try his house.
Okay, I'll try it again.
Hello.
He's here.
Any calls for me?
Any calls? Where've you been?
Who wants to know?
Just a friendly interest.
The boss has been looking high and low
for you.
No fooling.
No fooling, he's sore as a boil.
Where have you been?
I've been out looking up an heiress.
Mr Corrigan's office.
His line's busy just now.
Hello, Jitters.
Get going, the boss is sizzling.
Don't worry, honey. I can handle him.
I'll bet.
You dumb dizzy dope.
You silly-looking ape.
Listen, Jimmy. Let me explain,
can't you?
I don't know keeps me taking a punch
at you.
You don't even know what
I'm gonna say.
Neither do you.
Honest, Jimmy.
I hope I never live to see
my mother alive.
You know those guys've been out
there since 8:00 this morning?
Didn't you talk to them?
Talk to them, who me?
Without introduction? Is that the way
a gentleman conducts his office?
I'm sorry.
Where have you been?
Me?
Not me, you!
I was out looking up that Esme Bayard
heiress.
What heiress?
You know.
The one you gave me the lead on.
The heirs of the dame
that rocked off in the bathtub.
So what?
Well I finally located the tomato
that fits the description.
A beautiful girl.
I've been working on at nights.
Oh, nights, huh?
She fits perfect.
Yeah?
Blond, blue eyes,
about five foot three in her stockings.
Go on. And she's got a little mole
on her left hip.
Stop right there.
In the first place, it wasn't a mole,
it was a wart.
In the second place, it wasn't on the hip,
it was on the shoulder.
In the third place, it wasn't a dame,
it was a guy.
There must be some mistake.
Yeah, and that's you.
If I didn't need you to introduce me
to those guys out there...
I'd put the boots to you.
What are you doing to my chair?
Get out of there.
Look at your shirt.
Fix your tie, you simp.
Go on, get outside.
Get outside, go on!
Good morning, men.
Hi, Lou.
You two new guys,
I want you to meet the boss.
This is Mr Corrigan, boys.
A square little shooter.
That's Stew Hatkins and Eddie Marrigan.
Hi. Glad to know you.
A couple of right guys.
Hm-hmm.
The boss here wants to say
a word to you.
Sit down, boys. Everybody sit down,
have a seat.
Now look...
In the first place, you gotta get it
out of your head that this is a racket.
This is a respectable, high-class,
A number one business.
And you boys got a chance to make
some real dough.
Only you gotta watch yourself
to keep out of jail.
You see?
Now look, here's the idea.
Lying around in banks all over this country
there's a lot of money.
Millions of dollars willed to legal heirs
that can't be found.
Well, I find them.
And, for a small commission,
never more than 50%
I put them in touch.
Supposing you can't find a legal heir?
Well, then let all that nice money
go to waste, see?
Oh, I get you.
Well, what do we do?
You guys chase hot tips on people
that have passed out.
Louie and me handle the details.
Louie looks up birthmarks.
Now look... You guys get your expenses
and 15 smacks a week.
And 10% of anything that turns up
if it goes through.
Fair enough?
Okay.
Okay by me.
All right, now look, boys...
here's your routines for today.
Everybody, look.
Mike, you go down to the Central Hospital.
They just brought in an old bachelor.
Is he dead?
No, but he will be.
The doctor that tipped me off
is operating on him.
Pete, go down to Barnum's
undertaking joint.
They got a stiff down there
that sounds swell.
And take Stew with ya.
It'll be a good experience.
Go ahead, Stew.
Grant, go down to City Hall
and look up that probate on the
Johnson will.
Eddie, you go along with him.
Oh, thanks.
Bye.
Now, Ferris... where are you?
You get the dope on the Evans case.
Get it all. Don't miss anything.
Hailey, go down to the Jersey morgue.
And hold on to this over there.
Okay, boss.
Come on, Les, you go along with him.
What do you want me to do, boss?
You just sit there like usual.
The janitor will be in at 5 o'clock
and dust you off.
Sounds like
the Brothers of St Francis Hospital.
You'll be a failure all your life.
Don't you recognize that siren?
That's the emergency.
Emergency?
Yeah, emergency.
Well, that let's us out, then.
Who says it does?
Wallingham's got the joint sewed up,
ain't he?
He pays enough.
Yeah, he pays and I get.
You crook.
You mean you got an in down there, too?
Listen, mug,
I ain't got anything down there, see?
I ain't got nothing.
Wallingham's got it all.
But whatever hot tips come down
to the emergency, tour little Jamesy gets.
Hurry this up, boys.
Hello, Johnny.
Hi, Paddy.
And what is it now?
Oh, just an old woman.
You don't say.
Hung out in Babcock's Beanery.
Kept herself alive eating
what people left.
You don't say.
Yeah.
Some bum decided to kick himself off
and put cyanide in his cheese sandwich.
You don't say.
Yeah, and he kicked off.
He did?
Yeah, he ate half of it
and threw the other half away.
He did?
And she ate it.
She died?
She did.
Well, so what?
That's all, she's gone.
look through her clothes, Ms Benton,
and see if you can find any marks
of identification.
Poor old thing...
Starved to death.
A crime, that's what it is.
A disgrace to our civilization.
Right in the midst of plenty
the poor old creature starving to death.
Doctor, will you please look here.
Doctor Forbes, bonds!
Railroad bonds.
Her clothes are lined with them.
Bless my soul.
Get that lining off.
Look, stocks, bonds.
More bonds.
Keys, stocks, more bonds, bonds...
Safe deposit keys.
More bonds...
I'll bet these are jewels.
Merciful heavens...
Aren't they beautiful.
Gold. I tell you, she's a walking bank.
Run a line to 57521
Mr Wallingham's office.
Hold the line, please, I'll connect you.
Miss Martin speaking,
Mr Wallingham's assistant.
Yes, just a minute.
Blair at the emergency.
He won't speak to anybody but you.
Go ahead.
Hello, Wallingham speaking.
Oh, hello, Blair.
Hello?
Splendid.
Well, you've done admirably.
One moment, did you get the number
of the safety deposit boxes?
I never thought of that.
All right, I will, okay.
If you will, please.
Call me back. Thank you.
A good tip?
Well, perhaps.
What is it?
A derelict old lady with her garments lying
with gilt-edge securities
How exciting.
What a chance for us.
I love your enthusiasm.
Well, aren't you the least bit
excited yourself?
Well, frankly, yes.
I must confess I get quite a glow
when I think of some superannuated spinster...
or a poor harassed little clerk
to whom you shall bring the glad tidings
that they've suddenly come into
a great fortune.
I should say.
There's a lot of human interest
in this racket.
Oh, my dear child...
Please don't refer to our enterprise
as a racket.
Jamais...
Well, we do take commissions,
don't we?
Isn't the laborer worthy of his hire?
You know, you have so much feeling
for the poor little guys
You're not tricky and underhanded like...
well, like some of our competitors.
To whom do you refer?
I'm not mentioning any names.
I think I know who you mean.
Miss Martin speaking.
Yes.
Oh, Blair. Mr Wallingham's right here.
Yes, Blair.
Mr Wallingham...
I got the numbers
of those safe deposit keys for you.
Fine.
Take this down.
Farmers Loan and Trust?
Good. You'll find that I'm not ungrateful,
Blair.
Bye.
You better give this case your
personal attention.
I'll get on it right away before Jimmy Corrigan
and his Tarzans get wind of it.
Wait a minute. Corrigan doesn't get any
tips from the emergency....
I don't trust him. He'd bribe a corpse
to sit up and telephone.
You seem to know a lot about this
Jimmy Corrigan.
Why shouldn't I? I worked in his office
for ten months, don't forget.
There isn't much about Jimmy Corrigan
and his methods that I don't know.
It's invaluable having you here
knowing as much about Corrigan
as you do and his peculiar technique.
You're very stimulating.
I need a haircut.
Hello.
Hello, get me Farmers Loan,
will you?
Is that you, Viola?
Where's Ronnie?
He just stepped out
to get some cigarettes, Miss Martin.
Oh, he has.
Okay, Viola.
That's funny.
What is?
Every time a hot tip comes into
this office
Ronny Gatson steps out to get
a deck of cigarettes.
I see, and your feminine instinct tells you...
Tells me I'm going to get
a big black cigar.
You know, I've had a hunch on this
for a long time....
Will you please get
that Farmers Loan call for me
and get me the name and the keys
registered under...
Ummm...
Thanks.
It looks like a hot tip, Mr Corrigan.
Mr Wallingham is all steamed up
over it.
What? Oh, don't worry about it,
I'm phoning from downstairs in the lobby.
You know, the old gag of
running out for a pack of cigarettes.
You better hop right to it, Mr Corrigan.
Our office is going right to work.
All right, hang up those stockings, kid.
Santa Clause won't forget you.
All right, goodbye.
Bye, kid.
Chalking up another one for Corrigan.
Just a minute, Mr Gatson.
Miss Martin...
Nice work, what's he paying you?
Why, I'm sure I don't...
That's not enough. How about
the wear and tear and your reputation?
But I swear...
Don't give me that. Beat it.
Miss Martin, Miss Martin, I swear...
I'll throw your hat out the window.
That cheat has been paying off all them nurses
and internes at the emergency, ain't it?
Swell, now if we could only
do that all around....
we could let some of them mugs go
we got working for us.
What? And throw all the nice boys
out of work?
What becomes in our way, what becomes of liberty,
what becomes of democracy?
Boy, you're a prince.
Aw, just do my part, that's all.
Now look...
You beat it down to the
Farmers Loan and Trust Company
and bribe that dumb vault man
to give you all the dope on that old lady.
Get it?
And look! If you miss anything,
you get lumps.
Hey! And tell that guy out there to take $5
out of your salary for that glass.
Well, I fired him, the little sneak.
It was all Corrigan's fault.
My dear child, you mustn't let these little
contretemps disturb you.
After all, what is Jimmy Corrigan to you?
Nothing. Not a thing.
Only...
Yes?
Well, I hate to think of him
well anybody, for that matter,
being so low.
Oh, but don't you see?
Unless you wish to avoid life,
like a coward,
you've got to contact the Corrigans of this world.
Business, politics,
all our modern civilization demands
that people with ethics
get into the fight for decency.
You said it.
And so I'm going down this red hot second
and tell Jimmy Corrigan just what I think
of him if it's the last thing I ever do.
All right, how old was ya when
you left Atlanta, Georgia?
Er... I was 14 years old, sir.
Right. And... what were your father's
and mother's names?
Elizabeth Ann and Roger Smith Worthington,
sir.
Right again.
Did you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes, sir, I had a sister, sir.
And what was her name?
Geez, I'm never gonna remember
that dame's handle.
Abigail you fathead, Abigail!
Abigail. Yes, sir.
Little Abby, we used to call her.
You see, I was a bit confused, sir.
What was you confused about?
Cause after last time I didn't have no sister,
see? You stuck her in.
Cut that out.
Remember you're a southern gentleman,
you mug, a southern gentleman.
Now give him the line again,
give him the line.
Okay, boss. Look, here,
southern gentleman,
you must say "sho'nuff".
Sho'nuff?
Yes, sir. Then you must say "y'all".
Yall.
Y'all.
Y'all can impose the utmost confidence
in me, sir.
A Worthington, sir. A Georgia Worthington.
All right, Eddie. Take him down
to those lawyers.
And if he starts making a mistake,
kick him in the shins.
And if he makes any...
tie an anvil around his neck
and drop him in a drink.
Go ahead.
Okay, boss.
Look here, Colonel Abigail...
If y'all run out of words,
sing "My Ole Kentucky Home".
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Well, well.
If it ain't little Joanie.
How are you, baby? Come on in.
Cigarette?
No, thanks.
I've been thinking about you, baby.
I wish you wouldn't, Jimmy.
What?
Think about me.
What's the matter?
I'm liable to catch something hanging
out in your mind.
Oh, I don't see you for months
and the first thing you do is insult me.
Yes, if it's possible.
Well you're doing all right for a start.
What's in your mind?
Ronnie Gatson.
Why, the dirty little rat.
Did he squeal?
No, I caught him.
Oh, that's a shame.
You mean you're sorry, Jimmy?
Yeah, sure I'm sorry.
It spoils my whole setup
Oh, that's it.
You know I never like to see anybody
get caught.
Yeah, you don't care what anyone does,
it's just getting caught.
What's the matter with that?
I'm in business, ain't I?
I say, crooked business.
Oh, all business is crooked.
Signed Jimmy Corrigan,
the boy with the worm's eye view.
There's only two kinds of guys in business,
those who get caught and those
who don't.
It would give you a bad minute,
wouldn't it
to know that there are a lot of men
that don't look at things the way you do.
Name one... never mind, I know.
That big slob you're working for.
Bothers you, doesn't he?
Yeah, like a crumb in a Union suit.
Well, he'll always bother you, Jimmy.
He's got something you haven't.
The only thing that he's got
that I want is you
and he took you away from me.
I left you for a little decency.
Is it decent of him to be bribing all those
nurses and internes
down at the emergency?
He doesn't bribe them.
He pays them for decent service.
To keep me from getting
that same service.
To help decent people get
what's coming to them.
And a nice big cut for himself besides.
Only he's got ethics.
I don't care if he's got carbuncles.
The only difference between him and me
is he gotta smoother line.
Is that all?
Yeah, and a sharper knife that he sticks
in between your fourth and your fifth rib
and you don't know you're dead
until you get home.
You can't talk about him like that.
I'll talk about him any way I like.
You can't make yourself clean
by making him dirty.
He's a chiseler just the same as me.
He's a gentleman, you're a crook.
Oh, looks like he's done right
with you already.
Just what do you mean by that?
Do you need a diagram?
Ethics! Ethics!
I'll show you who's got ethics.
Have I got ethics or haven't I?
Sure, boss, you got 'em.
Then what are you holding on to me for?
Listen, boss, I got all that dope
on the old lady.
Am I a gentleman or ain't I?
Sure, boss, you've been a sucker
for class all your life.
Then what's the matter with that Jane?
What Jane?
Oh, I'll break her sweet-smelling neck.
I'll show her who's a gentleman.
Be so kind as to convey my appreciation
to Mr Wallingham
for his efforts on my behalf.
I shall be charmed, Madame.
We have only done our duty.
Our motto, you know, is service.
Monsieur.
Good day, Madame.
4 o'clock. Tea time.
Kindly serve Mr and Mrs Norton first,
Horton.
You will have some tea, won't you?
Mr Wallingham will be so ashamed
of being forced to keep you waiting.
Punctuality is our motto, you know.
Miss Martin, please.
Certainly, Mr Chalmers.
Thank you.
May I be of any assistance?
Yeah, I wanna see Joan.
Miss Martin?
Whom shall I say?
Just say Jimmy.
Mr?
Corrigan.
Won't you be seated, Mr Corrigan.
Make it snappy, will ya?
I'll see if Miss Martin is free.
Miss Martin, please.
Certainly.
May I give you some tea?
Am I in on this, too?
Sugar?
Yeah.
Another one.
Again.
Come on, one more lump.
Right this way, Mr Corrigan.
How do you do, Mr Corrigan.
Coote's my name. Chester Coote.
Pleased to meet you.
I wanna see Miss Martin.
I'll see if she's engaged.
Won't you sit down?
I'll only be a moment.
A spot of tea.
Thanks.
Sugar?
Yeah.
Thanks.
This way, Mr Corrigan.
What do you want?
You got no right to call me a crook.
Oh, did I call you that?
I apologize to the crooks.
What did I ever do to you to try to
make a monkey out of me?
I tried to make you a gentleman.
With no success.
There you go starting up again.
Joan, have we any more
of those turn page wafers?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Mr Wallingham, Mr Corrigan.
How nice.
I don't believe we've ever met.
Pleased to meet you.
I seen you around.
Will you join us in a cup of tea?
Yeah, sure, I'm very thirsty.
Cream or lemon, Jimmy?
A little of each.
May I?
You don't take sugar, do you?
Uh... no. No, thanks,
I never use sugar.
I tell Joan putting sugar in this jasmin tea
is a minor blasphemy.
Yeah, sure, that's what I think.
Will you have a biscuit?
Thank you.
A biscuit, Mr Corrigan?
Oh, thanks...
didn't turn out so good, huh?
You know, James...
You don't mind my calling you James,
do you?
No, go ahead, it's all right.
Has it ever occurred to you that we
don't take food half seriously enough here
in the States?
I think it depends
on how much you can get, don't it?
Very clever.
You know, for instance,
take the mortadella in Italy.
The petit marm in France
and the columarius consultienta in Spain.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm crazy to travel.
I should love to show you Paris.
More tea, Jimmy?
Oh, yes, yes, thanks.
I'm still thirsty.
Oh, excuse me.
So, do you do this regular?
What?
I mean, all this tea?
Religiously.
Why shouldn't the social ammenities
be brought into the business world?
That's what I say. Why shouldn't they?
Excuse me, there's my phone.
Will you have a cigar?
No, no, no. Never mind, look.
I got a proposition to make to you.
Sit right down there.
Now look.
It's all there, every bit of it.
The old dame that ate the poison cheese
sandwich and left all that dough...
her name is Sarah Barton.
Her nearest living relative is her nephew
Monty Barton.
It's all there, it's all yours.
Now we're even.
Now this is what you can do for me.
Tell me. Who makes all those nice clothes
for you?
How do you get all this swell class
into this joint?
And how long will it take a mug like me
to learn to talk your kinda lingo?
Hiya, boss.
What's the matter, boss?
Don't you feel good?
No, I don't feel good.
I know just the thing for you.
Me ol' grandma learned it to me.
When you don't feel good, all you have do
is take a nice big hot cup of tea.
Tea? Tea you tell me, huh?
Tea, you chuckleheaded silly looking ape.
I'm up to here with tea!
Come on, get out of here.
get out, you...
Deduct another five smackers
off my pay.
I'm convinced, Miss Barton,
that you have a legitimate claim
to all Sarah Barton's money
and we'll do everything in our power
to establish it legally.
Of course the money is really mine
there's no doubt about that.
unless that worthless father of mine
turns up.
If Monty Barton were going to turn up
I think he'd have done it long before this.
Oh, I do hope he's dead.
I'd hate to think of wasting all that
bus fare coming in from Baltimore.
We'll do all we can.
We'll get on it right away.
Thank you.
Not at all,
you will hear from us very soon.
Those papers you're leaving
are very valuable, I'm sure.
Good day.
Goodbye, Miss Barton.
There you are. Birth certificate, marriage license,
insurance papers, everything.
Splendid, splendid.
She's Monty Barton's daughter,
all right.
You've done great work in this case,
Joan.
That reminds me,
thanks for the raise.
You deserve it in more ways than one.
Thanks. I'm doing my best.
We've got to get all this settled before
Jimmy Corrigan pulls a fast one on us.
Oh, I don't think we have much to worry
about as far as he's concerned..
Have you noticed how he's been
slowing down the past few months?
Yes, have you noticed that, too?
Rather.
I wonder what's got into him.
Too much tea.
Good afternoon, Mr Corrigan's office.
To whom?
One moment, I'll connect you.
Your tea, Miss Finch.
Thank you.
All right, Miss Huffer,
Mr Corrigan will be so happy.
Hey, don't be so stingy with them lumps.
Hello?
Okay.
Hey, Speedy, don't forget your old
aunt Emma.
Yeah...
Pardon?
To whom?
To whom would you care to speak?
When Mr Corrigan find out my family
come from Caterina di Medici
he gonna get the family jewel for me.
Stew and Eddie are here, Mr Corrigan.
They brought in a guy, er....
a gentleman... what's the name, please?
Hendrickson, Lady Verdervere.
Mr Hendrickson,
he has news on Monty Barton.
Yeah?
Hey, there's a guy outside says he knows
where Monty Barton is.
Yeah, send him in. Send him right away.
Go ahead.
What do you want with Monty Barton?
I thought you gave that tip
to Wallingham.
You don't see this guy passing up
anything, do you?
How do you think I'm gonna keep up
this joint?
What am I gonna use
to pay you off with, old cigar bands?
Hello, boys.
I know I shouldn't have come here...
Hello, boss.
Say, boss, this is Mr Hendrickson.
Mr Corrigan.
Hiya.
We met Mr Hendrickson over at
Rick's place.
He said he knew Monty Barton
so we brought him along to have
a talk with you.
I know I shouldn't have come here.
Look...
Look, that's how I get.
Yeah, I see, all right, fine...
Now sit down, have a little rest.
You know, I... You see, I...
I need my medicine.
Yeah, I understand.
They tell me you know something
about Monty Barton.
What will you give me?
How much will you give me?
I'll play fair with you.
I'll give you $50.
Keep it. Keep your dirty money.
Catch me squealing out, pal.
Catch me...
All right. I ain't asking you
to squeal on anybody.
Give it to me, give it to me...
Can't you see I need it, can't you see?
Yeah, yeah, now look.
Tell me...
Are the cops looking for Monty Barton?
Oh, they are.
For what?
Murder.
Oh, yeah?
You won't give him up, will you?
I'm no squealer, I swear to God...
All right, all right.
Boss, wait a minute.
I ain't heard of no Monty Barton
wanted for murder.
Because he don't go by that name, see?
But I know his name's Barton.
I took a watch out for him yesterday,
the hocker.
He don't dare show his face.
I looked in the case, and there it was.
Monty Barton, but that's not the name
they're looking for.
All right, now what is the name?
Joe Rector, the gambler.
Joe Rector's Money Bargain?
That's him, that's him, and there's
the dame that saw him do it.
This is far enough, this is far enough.
Now look, I'll go on ahead.
Give me 5 minutes to get inside.
And give it plenty of lung, you hear,
plenty of lung.
Now look, take a long time in front
of his house.
It's up the block
on the other side of the street.
Number 863, you got it?
The big gambler captured!
Joe Rector caught!
Joe Rector!
The hotshot captured!
The Big gambler!
Joe Rector captured!
Extra! Read about it!
The big gambler captured!
Joe Rector!
The big shot Joe Rector!
Hey, boy, give me a paper.
Hey, boy, give me one of those papers.
Give me a paper, will you?
Hurry up, give me a paper.
Joe Rector captured, the big time gambler.
Hello.
I think I can make it.
Looking for this?
There you are, Joe.
That shows where I stand.
What do you want?
Skip it. Skip it.
Sit down.
Come on, sit down.
Wanna talk to you.
Now, listen. I ain't in the least bit interested
in the guy named Joe Rector.
Don't know anything about him.
Never even heard of him, see?
Get me?
But I am looking for a guy named
Monty Barton.
And you wanna know why?
Because he just came into $200.000.
What?
Got a match?
$200.000.
What a lucky guy you are.
Remember your aunt Sarah from Philly?
Yeah.
Your dearest relative?
She ate a poison cheese sandwich
and turned up her toes.
Gee...
Ain't that a shame?
Say, who are you?
James Corrigan.
Genealogist. Read it when you get time.
What do I do to get the dough?
Just go down and tell 'em who you are.
Go down and tell 'em who I am, eh?
Swell. I only got a murder rap hanging
over me.
Yeah. That's right.
You're asking me to crawl up
in that electric chair?
And whistle for the Jews.
You can buy an awful lot of lawyers
with that $200.000.
Listen, if I'm caught, the only thing
that'll keep me from burning...
is a short circuit.
You can tell me.
Did you really top that guy Burke?
Well, he pulls a gun
and starts blazing away
so I let him have six with the ol' equalizer
and they bury him the next day.
Draw your own conclusion.
You ain't got no murder charge
against you.
You shot in self defense.
Sure. Just try to convince the jury.
There was a dame in the room
when the fun started.
Who?
Burke's doll.
His sweetheart?
Yeah. She'll get on that witness stand...
and tell a story that'll make the judge
and jury start a lynching mob.
What's her name?
Gladys Farrell, works in a night trap.
Is she married?
No.
Are you?
No.
What's it worth to you to beat that rap
and get the dough besides?
Say, you been belting the grape?
I'm stone sober and I'm asking you.
What's it worth to you?
I'll split with ya.
Put it in writing.
Hey, what are you doing?
You ain't got nothing to lose,
have you?
It's either me or fry.
It's my apartment.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, honey.
Wait a minute.
Hello.
Yeah, boss, this is I.
I been standing by like you told me.
No, boss, I been looking up
that heiress.
Is she with you now?
No, don't send her away.
I'd love to meet her.
Gee, that's swell of you, boss.
I know you'll like her.
Her name is Mabel.
She's a perfect little lady.
Sure, she must be.
Tell me, Lou, tell me...
Is she married?
Well, kinda. Me and her
have been thinking about getting hooked.
We'll go into that later.
Now look, kid. Look, Lou...
You hop down to City Hall and get a
marriage license for Monty Barton, see?
What are you pullin'?
Lay off that arm.
He must be a mind reader.
What's the name of the pancake
that Barton's gonna marry?
Fanny Brown.
Yeah. "F".
"F" like in finagle.
Come on, get in your coat...
you save time.
Now look, Lou, look, kid...
Bring back a Justice of the Peace
with you.
Yeah. A dumb one.
Yeah, all right, baby...
Yeah, goodbye.
Bye, kid.
Are you ready?
Money don't talk.
It screams right out loud.
I gotta go, baby.
Look, Louie...
Did you mean it honest to Pete
about us getting married?
Well, keep working on me.
I might give in.
All right. Here's your hat.
Here you are, baby.
Sugar pie, I'm just devoted to that ring.
Be nice to Mr Corrigan when he gets here,
will ya? He's a prince.
All right.
And we're good for a swell wedding
present if he takes to you.
Bye. Oh, Louie. Come here.
Do you like nails all one color?
Ohhh....
My name's Corrigan.
Mr Corrigan,
Louie told me all about you.
He said you was a prince.
You sure he said prince?
Hm-hmm.
Well, well.
How's it baby?
How's what?
How's everything?
How should I know? I've only been in town
a couple of months.
Hm-hmm. Come with me.
Come right here. Come here.
Meet the Misses.
Whose? Yours?
No, yours.
It's neither one, Mr Corrigan.
Now wait a minute, take it easy.
Wait a minute.
Me, me...
Oh, I'm sorry. Say when.
What do you mean?
Let it go.
Here, it's all yours.
Bungy ride.
Look, baby.
What would you do for $500?
I'd do my best.
Well, look, listen...
I want you to marry this gentleman.
When?
Now.
I'd have to have my hair done first.
You know,
I always say it's half the battle.
That electric chair don't look so bad.
Now wait a minute, take it easy,
take it easy.
Sit tight.
Mabel, Mabel...
What's your name?
Mabel.
That's right.
Now look, look.
Here's $250,
$250 on account.
On account of what?
On account of your name is
Fanny Brown.
Can you remember that?
Sure, on account.
She caught that head in the door
when she was a baby.
Ten, twenty...
Listen cope with that for a minute, will you?
seventy, eighty... Hello, honey.
Here we are, Judge.
I'll get Mr Corrigan.
There he is now. Boss...
I want you to meet...
Hiya, Judge.
Pleased to meet you...
My name is Corrigan.
Sit down over here, will you?
I got a couple of things I gotta do.
Sit right right there, I'll be right with you.
Come here, Lou, come here.
Hello, Louie.
Come on.
I knew we shouldn't have went in
for antics.
Sufficient you needed it
the moment thereof.
Now get out of the way.
here, you try to act like a crazy
about each other.
Stick that in your kick.
And you, you act respectful.
Stay right there.
Hello, cupid,
Okay, Judge, verything's all set.
Right in here, in here.
Very well, my son.
Join your right hands.
Do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Do you also take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
The ring.
Repeat after me.
With this ring I thee wed.
With this ring I thee wed.
I pronounce you man and wife.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Thanks, thanks, Judge.
Thank you very much.
You did a swell job.
Ain't you gonna kiss me?
Is it all right with you?
Certainly.
You're leaving, ain't you?
Oh, sure.
Then go ahead.
Come on, Louie, come on, boy.
We got a big nice work ahead of us.
I need you, hurry up.
Wait a minute!
Hey!
Come here, come here.
Gimme that ring, gimme that ring.
Are you gonna leave them two alone?
Don't you think we better?
They'll still be here
when we come back, come on.
Hey, listen.
We know a Justice of the Peace
over in Jersey, too, don't we?
Yeah, old Joe Clooney.
Waltz over there and get
a marriage license for Monty Barton.
Again?
Another two days and that guy will be related to everybody in town by bigamy.
Who's the dame this time?
Gladys Farrell.
Ethics!
And bring a Justice of Peace back here
with you.
Who's Gladys Farrell?
The state's star witness against
Monty Barton.
Alias Joe Rector.
Boss, I don't understand all this.
If you did it wouldn't be no good.
Now get out of here. Go on.
I knew we'd get along.
Now look, babe, listen.
Tell me, Gladys.
What would you do
for a nice little piece of change?
What wouldn't I do.
We know all about that, but this is business.
All right, so it's business.
How do I snag this dough?
By not testifying against Joe Rector.
So that's it.
Say, I'll send that hyena to the chair
and put a tack in it.
All right, all right, listen.
Suppose you do send him to the hot squat.
Does the D.A. give you anything? No.
Does the State give you anything? No.
Wouldn't you be a chump
to pass up a big hunk of dough?
In the first place I couldn't keep
from testifying against him if I wanted to.
Why not.
Because I've already given
all the dope to the D.A.
But it wouldn't stand.
The D.A couldn't make you testify
against him.
It would be against the law.
If you're Joe Rector's wife.
What? Me marry that toad?
It wouldn't have to mean anything.
I tell you no. "N" like in no, "O" like in no.
No, N-O!
All right,
Joe Rector just came into $200.000.
But the money's no object.
Hey, wait a minute.
Who'd leave that ape $200.000?
Right here. Read this.
That old dame was his aunt.
Well, I hope to lay down
and never get up.
Look, you're the state's only witness
against him.
And you save him from the electric chair.
And Monty comes in to $200.000.
And I get a big red apple.
That and half the dough.
Because in this state, half of all
community property goes to the wife.
What does my end come to net?
$100.000.
Say, for 10% of that I'd marry
King Kong.
Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
And do you take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Gotta have a ring.
You won't think any less of me, will you,
baby, for forgetting the ring.
That's all right, when you shed your skin
send me the rattles.
Here you are.
Thanks.
Place this ring on her finger.
Always using the third finger...
and repeat what I say after me.
With this ring I thee wed.
With this ring I thee wed.
Now, in my invested office as
Justice of the Peace
I pronounce you man and wife.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
All right, Joe.
Here's your dough. And don't forget.
Keep these out of the papers.
I'll take care of that.
All right, fine.
Well, goodbye, King Kong.
Goodbye, Mrs Barton.
Don't forget me when you send out
invitations to your funeral, will you?
I won't. Will you do something for me?
Anything you say, baby.
Lay these on your chest, babe.
Fresh putz.
Well, you can't say he doesn't come
from a nice family.
When do I collect?
As soon as I get everything
all straightened out.
I'll let you know, baby.
Okay.
I'll call you up.
All right, so long, kid.
Goodbye.
Hey, she's got my ring.
Forget it, I'll get you a new one.
Come on, this calls
for a little celebration, right, boys?
Pour yourselves a drink, go on.
Hello, Police Headquarters?
Hello, give me Lieutenant Costello.
Detective Bureau, that's it.
Hey, who are you calling.
Step on it, will ya?
Why you...
Come on, give me Detective Costello,
hurry up.
You dirty double-crosser.
Shut up, you bigamist!
Let go of me, let go of me...
How do you expect to get all that dough
if you're not acquitted?
Hello, hello...
Tell him Jimmy Corrigan
wants to speak to him, will ya?
You didn't say anything about the cops.
How do you expect to get acquitted
without a trial?
Hello, Detective Costello?
I'll get you for this.
This is Corrigan speaking.
How do you expect to be tried
if you're not caught?
Hello, Lieutenant Costello, look...
Look, I got Joe Rector here
in my apartment.
Yeah, honest I have.
You son of a..
Hurry up, boss, I'm getting dizzy.
He's here right now.
Yeah, he wants to give himself up.
What? Well, get them up.
It's the 12th floor.
Get me off this merry-go-round!
Come on right away, hurry up.
Are we sitting pretty
or are we sitting pretty?
With Corrigan in the background
I'm not so sure.
It's a walkaway.
Your colloquialisms are a bit confusing.
That's for ordinary people.
I bought three of them.
Ethics, that's me.
Ethics in a big way.
Jimmy, why did you do this?
Because of you.
What?
Yeah.
Really, Jimmy?
Yeah.
But I wanted to get your okay.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
Oh.
And think I came here to crow over you
because they scooped you on the Barton case.
And now I can't.
That's all right, I don't mind that.
I wanna quit this racket, anyway.
As soon as I finish this case I'm on.
What are you gonna do?
Take care of you if you let me.
We'll get a partnership.
You throw in yourself
and I'll chuck in the whole world.
What's the matter, baby?
Don't you like me anymore?
Of course I do, you know that.
I always have.
Just afraid that everytime
I go into the Post Office I'll...
see your picture pasted on the wall.
What do I have to do to convince you?
Didn't I sign the whole Barton case
over to your boss?
Didn't I push $100.000 right out of my lap?
Jimmy, you're sure you're not reneging
on that case?
Hope to have a stroke, I am.
I'm not even gonna be in court.
Make me respect you.
I will, baby, you know that.
You know I will.
After a complete examination
of all evidence presented in this case
and a most careful study of every
circumstance pertaining thereto
the motion of the defendant,
Monty Barton
to dismiss, is granted.
This court is of the opinion
that the state has totally failed
to produce sufficient evidence
to substantiate the charge of murder.
However reluctant I might be
to make such a decision
the absence of convicting testimony
defeats the charge as stated.
Even though that charge was based
on circumstances
of an apparently incriminating nature.
Said defendant Monty Barton,
alias Joe Rector,
in the information on file herein
is by me dismissed.
I'm very sorry, Miss Barton.
Does that mean I lose the inheritance?
The thing that beat us was
that he was married to the only witness
that could testify against him.
It was a neat trick.
Let's go.
Sorry, Joan.
Tough break.
It was a neat trick, all right.
C'est la guerre.
Jimmy, have you business in court today?
No... no, I had nothing to do
so I just sort of dropped in.
Let's go. It feels kind of close in here.
Can I drop you anyplace?
Funny, I was just gonna ask you that.
Au revoir, Corrigan.
Filet mignon, Wallingham.
Order in the court.
And the State Court of Probate
having examined all claims presented,
it has been proven
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that the claimant here is properly sustained.
And the property and the moneys
left by the said intestate Sarah Barton
are ordered distributed forthwith
to Monty Barton,
nephew of the deceased.
Call the next case.
Congratulations, boy.
Congratulations to you, too.
Oh, honey bunch, ain't that swell?
Yeah, come on.
Order in the court.
Here you are, Monty.
All made out, just like you said.
Sign right there.
I earned every cent of it.
There you are.
You did a swell job, Jimmy.
Well, we all give good service.
Okay, boy.
Hello.
Giving things away?
Who wants to know?
Don't you remember me?
I'm your little wife, Gladys. You heel.
You'll have to excuse me, m'am,
I meet so many people.
Would a marriage certificate help
your memory?
Here you are, baby.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
You can buy it back for half the dough
you just inherited.
It isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Oh, yeah, ask him if a wife's not entitled
to half her husband's property in this State.
Listen, Gladys,
something came up a little while ago
I didn't know nothing about.
It was a terrific shock to me, too.
I learned not ten minutes ago that
besides being a crook and a chiseler
this guy is also a bigamist.
What?
Excuse me. Hello, honey bunch.
He crossed us up, too.
He was already married to her
when he stood out with you.
There you are, baby,
signed, sealed and delivered.
I'm married to this pancake.
I love being called that name.
Why, you dirty, double-crossing snake...
Take it easy.
That ain't gonna get you nothing.
Don't give me the runaround.
Them or all of you.
Who's trying to give you the runaround?
I'm just a victim of that guy's wiles.
Listen, I'm married to that ape
and getting half of what he's got
or I'll take the stand and send him
to the chair.
I wouldn't do that, Gladys.
People will do in your reputation by thinking
you pulled that fake marriage
so you wouldn't have to testify against him
That's accessory before the fact.
You know, like you did it for money.
You slimy chiseler.
Your word wouldn't be worth
a dime against his.
And you might get yourself thrown
into jail.
Besides, you don't have any legal claim
on his bankroll, so look...
I don't wanna see you
left out in the cold, see...
So I had a nice little check
all ready for you.
And when you say nice, you mean little.
Many a guy works a whole month
for $100.
Oh...
Now wait a minute, wait.
If you don't mind,
that's been in the family a long time.
That's gratitude.
Come on, honey, let's go home.
Goodbye.
Hey, wait a minute. You don't think
you're married to me, do you?
Sure I do. Ain't your name
Monty Barton?
Right. But yours ain't Fanny Brown.
That's right, I just remembered.
I was married under a phony name.
There's your bride, Louie,
blushing and everything.
Come on, honey, let's go home.
Go on. Get outta here.
Don't you love me anymore?
I ain't playing second trombone
to no guy.
Who said anything about music?
Go on, scram!
Oh, Monty, yoo-hoo!
Monty, wait for me.
Monty!
Hello, Louie.
Hiya.
Congratulations.
What for?
For your work on the Barton case.
You boys sure deserve a lot of credit.
Did Jimmy tell ya?
Do you think Jimmy has any secrets
from me?
Well, I didn't know.
I understand you're the brains of it,
Louie.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Now, now, none of that modesty stuff.
I know your work.
Well, I will say that Jimmy
couldn't have found it without me.
Not that I'm trying to take anything
away from him, you understand.
Sure, I know.
But what I don't understand is,
how did the other little girl figure in it.
Mabel?
Yeah, Mabel.
Oh, that's a honey.
First he marries her to Barton
so that the second marriage with
Gladys Farrell won't be legal.
But Gladys don't know that.
She thinks she's married to Barton,
and so does the D.A., for that matter...
so naturally she can't testify
against him being his wife.
But you should have seen her face just now
when Jimmy collects $100.000 from Barton
and turns and tells her
she ain't entitled to a thin dime.
But the payoff is neither is that other
little pancake Mabel entitled to anything.
she being married under
a fictitious name.
Hello, baby.
I was just gonna give you a ring.
What's the matter?
You can go down deeper, stay under longer
and come up dirtier
than any man I've ever known.
What's the matter with that dame?
I don't understand, huh?
First she says she's proud of me and then
when I give her some of the details...
Details?
Why, you big silly-looking
pickle-pushing blabbering ape...
You shattered whole scheme of romance,
you know that?
Hey, what's the matter?
Nothing's the matter, is it?
Yeah.
I will greatly appreciate
your immediate attention to this matter...
as I am anxious to close our files
on the Barton case.
There, there, Joan.
Now don't take it this way.
He simply isn't worth it.
Any man who had double-crossed
you as he did
I'm not sorry, just mad.
Sore at myself for believing in him.
You're very fortunate to be rid of him.
Here, now, now, there, hold still.
You're too fine to be mixed up
with his sort.
Here, wait a minute.
Use that.
You need a more delicate appreciation
a nature more en rapport
I need a new makeup.
I look a mess.
No, no, you look lovely.
A little tired, perhaps.
What you need is a good, long rest.
And I know just where you can get it.
Could I pay for it, say, $10 down and...
$10 a year?
Joan, dear.
I'm a bit gauche at this sort of thing.
But why don't you let me
take care of you?
Mr Wallingham...
Oh, don't Mister me, please.
I've grown terribly fond of you.
Mr Wallingham...
We'd be so congenial together.
I've tried so hard to make you really mine.
I better get out of here before
I say yes.
Oh, please, don't go.
Wait a minute.
Please, say yes, please.
We could spend a quiet weekend together.
I'm afraid.
Of what, dear?
That I won't make you happy.
Oh, dearest.
I promise you I'll try awfully hard...
Sweet little idiot.
...to make you a good wife.
Was that your phone?
I didn't hear anything.
Oh, I'm so happy.
Come in, Mr Corrigan.
Corrigan?
Yes, Mr Corrigan.
He'll be the first to congratulate us.
Jimmy, Mr Wallingham has asked me
to marry him.
Oh, so I'm just in time.
Well, I only wish you the best.
You know that, Joanie.
Thanks.
And you, too, Mr W.
You're one lucky gent.
So good of you.
I'd give my right eye...
It would turn out to be glass.
Now wait a minute, Joanie,
wait a minute.
I came up here to prove to you
that I'm strictly on the level with you.
You're the greatest chiseler
since Michelangelo.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
No, don't go, please.
I came up here to see you, really.
Here.
What's this?
My check for $100.000.
The money of Barton's daughter.
What?
That's my cut of the Barton case.
I'm turning it all over to her.
But it's made out to me.
Yeah, I know.
That's because I couldn't locate her.
Besides, she's your client. All you gotta do
is put your John Hancock on here
and turn it over to her.
It's not quite complete.
What do you mean it's not complete?
It just lacks that little rubber stamp
that says "No Funds".
I'll bet it bounces like a tennis ball.
Well, you don't have to take
my word for it.
You just sign it over to her
and let her put it through.
If the check is good you'll probably plan
to have her bumped off
before she can deposit it.
Now what do you wanna say that for?
Because I've learned from a lot of experience
that you're the kind of a guy
that would steal two left shoes.
All right, Joanie. Say anything you want.
But I wanna tell you one thing.
I wouldn't give up this much dough
for anybody but you.
But I'd rather have you think one kind
thought of me
than have anything else in the world.
Don't forget that.
So long, Wallingham.
Take good care of her, will ya?
Well, that's the end of that.
And a very good job, too.
Put your arms around me.
Make me love you.
Make me love you,
you've got to make me love you!
Well, if we're going to get away Saturday,
there are still a few things we want doing.
You mean the license?
How did you guess?
Yeah, it was a hot idea,
but it didn't work.
We're bust.
Don't get nervous.
Let's give that dope
a couple of more minutes.
Oh, I wouldn't mind losing my girl to
a regular guy, but that soft pillow-punching...
I still got hopes.
He's all front and no back.
I know his tongue is hanging out
for ready cash.
Why, his tailor told me Wallingham
ain't paid him in 3 years.
And besides...
Aw, quit blabbing.
We're bust.
I'm gonna stop payment on that check.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
there he is.
Will you wait, please.
What did I tell ya, what did I tell ya?
Come on, get going. See what he does.
Yeah, yeah.
There you are, sir. Certified.
Thank you very much.
This is the only outside view with bath
I have left, Mr Wallingham.
Of course, if you'd like an inside.
No, I'd prefer the outside, please.
Then I suggest B-65 is very comfortable.
That'll be fine.
Are you travelling alone?
Alone, yes.
You'll find B-65 very comfortable, sir.
It's on the promenade deck.
That's fine, I'll take it.
Can't you put something in it
that'll make it sound more like him?
Like what?
Some English word.
Oh, I only finished half of that
shelf of books.
I don't know any of that English stuff.
How about, er...
Cheerio?
Say, yeah, that sounds English.
Cheerio. How do you spell...
Come in.
Joan!
Well? Here I am. I got your message
just an hour ago.
Oh.
Oh, you got my message.
I'm so happy.
Why the telegram?
What telegram?
The one you sent me.
Oh, yes, of course, the telegram I sent you.
Why didn't you telephone?
I couldn't. I only got the tip myself
two hours ago.
Tip?
Yes, you see, er...
The Earl of...
...what is his name?
Treacher, Stephen Treacher,
Earl of Wessex.
Well, what about him?
Nothing. Only he died
and left 8 million pounds.
And a lot of nasty claims.
The family sent for me.
I must be in London by Tuesday.
How marvelous.
Isn't it marvelous?
You're here and I'm here...
Isn't it going to be frightfully jolly?
We must get the captain to marry us
right away.
How did you guess we were going
to have the captain marry us?
I'll hop out and get him.
You know anything about Jimmy's check?
Yes. I went to the bank this afternoon
and the check was no good, of course.
He's a cockeyed liar, that check is good.
He's got it in his pocket right now.
He had it certified at the bank
this afternoon.
What are you doing here?
Get out of here. What cheek!
Listen, Joan, let me explain.
That guy's leaving
with a $100.000 check.
He didn't send you a telegram, I did.
You ask him to show you that
steamer ticket.
If there's more than one, I'll eat it.
Well, is that true?
If you ask that,
you can leave with them.
Are you gonna show that ticket?
Get out of here or I'll call the steward.
Answer that.
Iced water, Miss.
Look, Joanie, look.
Here, you can see for yourself.
That steamer ticket's for only one.
Now look. I gave him this check
to prove to you he's a crook and a phony.
Why you...
Missed him!
Right in the satchel.
Jimmy...
then you really meant this money for
Posey Barton.
Yeah, sure.
If you want to convince me,
mail this check to her.
That's what I always meant to do.
Really?
Yeah, you wouldn't doubt me,
would you?
Not if you mail it to her right
this minute.
She's practically spending it now.
Louie, Louie, come here.
Louie...
What a cheek.
Here, come on, get up out of there,
will ya?
Come here. Get me a fountain pen.
I'm getting an envelope.
Here, where did you say she was?
Box 372, Baltimore, Maryland.
What's that?
I didn't mean that. Just force of habit.
Now give it to me again.
Miss Posey Barton,
Hm-hmm.
Box 372, Baltimore, Maryland.
372, Baltimore, Maryland.
All right, there you are, here.
Mail that Pony Express.
And tell the captain we wanna see him.
I ain't got no stamps.
Get outta here!
After all that trouble.
Here, give me that.
What are you doing?
Ethics, sweetheart, ethics.
I'm just crawling with ethics.
Mrs Greenbaum?
Oh, I thought I recognized your voice.
Hm? Oh, you want to know if Mr Corrigan
sent you that copy of your aunt's will?
Just a sec.
Hey, Jitters, has that gone out yet?
No it ain't. What do you think I am,
an octopus,
with a thousand hands or something?
Sure, Mrs Greenbaum, it's in the mail.
You're welcome.
Hello, Mr Corrigan's office.
You better run that Roger Clinton ad
in the Canadian papers, too.
Yeah.
Yeah, and repeat an ad on
Mrs Oppenheimer.
That's it, yeah.
Hello, hello,
Louie come in yet?
No, Mr Corrigan, he ain't come in yet.
No, well send that slug in
as soon as he gets here, will ya?
Sure, yeah, I'll tell him.
If that Louie knows what's good for him,
he'll never come in.
Hey, Bessie, has Louie come in yet?
Not yet. When you hear something drop,
that'll be Louie.
No, Mr Corrigan, I did try his house.
Okay, I'll try it again.
Hello.
He's here.
Any calls for me?
Any calls? Where've you been?
Who wants to know?
Just a friendly interest.
The boss has been looking high and low
for you.
No fooling.
No fooling, he's sore as a boil.
Where have you been?
I've been out looking up an heiress.
Mr Corrigan's office.
His line's busy just now.
Hello, Jitters.
Get going, the boss is sizzling.
Don't worry, honey. I can handle him.
I'll bet.
You dumb dizzy dope.
You silly-looking ape.
Listen, Jimmy. Let me explain,
can't you?
I don't know keeps me taking a punch
at you.
You don't even know what
I'm gonna say.
Neither do you.
Honest, Jimmy.
I hope I never live to see
my mother alive.
You know those guys've been out
there since 8:00 this morning?
Didn't you talk to them?
Talk to them, who me?
Without introduction? Is that the way
a gentleman conducts his office?
I'm sorry.
Where have you been?
Me?
Not me, you!
I was out looking up that Esme Bayard
heiress.
What heiress?
You know.
The one you gave me the lead on.
The heirs of the dame
that rocked off in the bathtub.
So what?
Well I finally located the tomato
that fits the description.
A beautiful girl.
I've been working on at nights.
Oh, nights, huh?
She fits perfect.
Yeah?
Blond, blue eyes,
about five foot three in her stockings.
Go on. And she's got a little mole
on her left hip.
Stop right there.
In the first place, it wasn't a mole,
it was a wart.
In the second place, it wasn't on the hip,
it was on the shoulder.
In the third place, it wasn't a dame,
it was a guy.
There must be some mistake.
Yeah, and that's you.
If I didn't need you to introduce me
to those guys out there...
I'd put the boots to you.
What are you doing to my chair?
Get out of there.
Look at your shirt.
Fix your tie, you simp.
Go on, get outside.
Get outside, go on!
Good morning, men.
Hi, Lou.
You two new guys,
I want you to meet the boss.
This is Mr Corrigan, boys.
A square little shooter.
That's Stew Hatkins and Eddie Marrigan.
Hi. Glad to know you.
A couple of right guys.
Hm-hmm.
The boss here wants to say
a word to you.
Sit down, boys. Everybody sit down,
have a seat.
Now look...
In the first place, you gotta get it
out of your head that this is a racket.
This is a respectable, high-class,
A number one business.
And you boys got a chance to make
some real dough.
Only you gotta watch yourself
to keep out of jail.
You see?
Now look, here's the idea.
Lying around in banks all over this country
there's a lot of money.
Millions of dollars willed to legal heirs
that can't be found.
Well, I find them.
And, for a small commission,
never more than 50%
I put them in touch.
Supposing you can't find a legal heir?
Well, then let all that nice money
go to waste, see?
Oh, I get you.
Well, what do we do?
You guys chase hot tips on people
that have passed out.
Louie and me handle the details.
Louie looks up birthmarks.
Now look... You guys get your expenses
and 15 smacks a week.
And 10% of anything that turns up
if it goes through.
Fair enough?
Okay.
Okay by me.
All right, now look, boys...
here's your routines for today.
Everybody, look.
Mike, you go down to the Central Hospital.
They just brought in an old bachelor.
Is he dead?
No, but he will be.
The doctor that tipped me off
is operating on him.
Pete, go down to Barnum's
undertaking joint.
They got a stiff down there
that sounds swell.
And take Stew with ya.
It'll be a good experience.
Go ahead, Stew.
Grant, go down to City Hall
and look up that probate on the
Johnson will.
Eddie, you go along with him.
Oh, thanks.
Bye.
Now, Ferris... where are you?
You get the dope on the Evans case.
Get it all. Don't miss anything.
Hailey, go down to the Jersey morgue.
And hold on to this over there.
Okay, boss.
Come on, Les, you go along with him.
What do you want me to do, boss?
You just sit there like usual.
The janitor will be in at 5 o'clock
and dust you off.
Sounds like
the Brothers of St Francis Hospital.
You'll be a failure all your life.
Don't you recognize that siren?
That's the emergency.
Emergency?
Yeah, emergency.
Well, that let's us out, then.
Who says it does?
Wallingham's got the joint sewed up,
ain't he?
He pays enough.
Yeah, he pays and I get.
You crook.
You mean you got an in down there, too?
Listen, mug,
I ain't got anything down there, see?
I ain't got nothing.
Wallingham's got it all.
But whatever hot tips come down
to the emergency, tour little Jamesy gets.
Hurry this up, boys.
Hello, Johnny.
Hi, Paddy.
And what is it now?
Oh, just an old woman.
You don't say.
Hung out in Babcock's Beanery.
Kept herself alive eating
what people left.
You don't say.
Yeah.
Some bum decided to kick himself off
and put cyanide in his cheese sandwich.
You don't say.
Yeah, and he kicked off.
He did?
Yeah, he ate half of it
and threw the other half away.
He did?
And she ate it.
She died?
She did.
Well, so what?
That's all, she's gone.
look through her clothes, Ms Benton,
and see if you can find any marks
of identification.
Poor old thing...
Starved to death.
A crime, that's what it is.
A disgrace to our civilization.
Right in the midst of plenty
the poor old creature starving to death.
Doctor, will you please look here.
Doctor Forbes, bonds!
Railroad bonds.
Her clothes are lined with them.
Bless my soul.
Get that lining off.
Look, stocks, bonds.
More bonds.
Keys, stocks, more bonds, bonds...
Safe deposit keys.
More bonds...
I'll bet these are jewels.
Merciful heavens...
Aren't they beautiful.
Gold. I tell you, she's a walking bank.
Run a line to 57521
Mr Wallingham's office.
Hold the line, please, I'll connect you.
Miss Martin speaking,
Mr Wallingham's assistant.
Yes, just a minute.
Blair at the emergency.
He won't speak to anybody but you.
Go ahead.
Hello, Wallingham speaking.
Oh, hello, Blair.
Hello?
Splendid.
Well, you've done admirably.
One moment, did you get the number
of the safety deposit boxes?
I never thought of that.
All right, I will, okay.
If you will, please.
Call me back. Thank you.
A good tip?
Well, perhaps.
What is it?
A derelict old lady with her garments lying
with gilt-edge securities
How exciting.
What a chance for us.
I love your enthusiasm.
Well, aren't you the least bit
excited yourself?
Well, frankly, yes.
I must confess I get quite a glow
when I think of some superannuated spinster...
or a poor harassed little clerk
to whom you shall bring the glad tidings
that they've suddenly come into
a great fortune.
I should say.
There's a lot of human interest
in this racket.
Oh, my dear child...
Please don't refer to our enterprise
as a racket.
Jamais...
Well, we do take commissions,
don't we?
Isn't the laborer worthy of his hire?
You know, you have so much feeling
for the poor little guys
You're not tricky and underhanded like...
well, like some of our competitors.
To whom do you refer?
I'm not mentioning any names.
I think I know who you mean.
Miss Martin speaking.
Yes.
Oh, Blair. Mr Wallingham's right here.
Yes, Blair.
Mr Wallingham...
I got the numbers
of those safe deposit keys for you.
Fine.
Take this down.
Farmers Loan and Trust?
Good. You'll find that I'm not ungrateful,
Blair.
Bye.
You better give this case your
personal attention.
I'll get on it right away before Jimmy Corrigan
and his Tarzans get wind of it.
Wait a minute. Corrigan doesn't get any
tips from the emergency....
I don't trust him. He'd bribe a corpse
to sit up and telephone.
You seem to know a lot about this
Jimmy Corrigan.
Why shouldn't I? I worked in his office
for ten months, don't forget.
There isn't much about Jimmy Corrigan
and his methods that I don't know.
It's invaluable having you here
knowing as much about Corrigan
as you do and his peculiar technique.
You're very stimulating.
I need a haircut.
Hello.
Hello, get me Farmers Loan,
will you?
Is that you, Viola?
Where's Ronnie?
He just stepped out
to get some cigarettes, Miss Martin.
Oh, he has.
Okay, Viola.
That's funny.
What is?
Every time a hot tip comes into
this office
Ronny Gatson steps out to get
a deck of cigarettes.
I see, and your feminine instinct tells you...
Tells me I'm going to get
a big black cigar.
You know, I've had a hunch on this
for a long time....
Will you please get
that Farmers Loan call for me
and get me the name and the keys
registered under...
Ummm...
Thanks.
It looks like a hot tip, Mr Corrigan.
Mr Wallingham is all steamed up
over it.
What? Oh, don't worry about it,
I'm phoning from downstairs in the lobby.
You know, the old gag of
running out for a pack of cigarettes.
You better hop right to it, Mr Corrigan.
Our office is going right to work.
All right, hang up those stockings, kid.
Santa Clause won't forget you.
All right, goodbye.
Bye, kid.
Chalking up another one for Corrigan.
Just a minute, Mr Gatson.
Miss Martin...
Nice work, what's he paying you?
Why, I'm sure I don't...
That's not enough. How about
the wear and tear and your reputation?
But I swear...
Don't give me that. Beat it.
Miss Martin, Miss Martin, I swear...
I'll throw your hat out the window.
That cheat has been paying off all them nurses
and internes at the emergency, ain't it?
Swell, now if we could only
do that all around....
we could let some of them mugs go
we got working for us.
What? And throw all the nice boys
out of work?
What becomes in our way, what becomes of liberty,
what becomes of democracy?
Boy, you're a prince.
Aw, just do my part, that's all.
Now look...
You beat it down to the
Farmers Loan and Trust Company
and bribe that dumb vault man
to give you all the dope on that old lady.
Get it?
And look! If you miss anything,
you get lumps.
Hey! And tell that guy out there to take $5
out of your salary for that glass.
Well, I fired him, the little sneak.
It was all Corrigan's fault.
My dear child, you mustn't let these little
contretemps disturb you.
After all, what is Jimmy Corrigan to you?
Nothing. Not a thing.
Only...
Yes?
Well, I hate to think of him
well anybody, for that matter,
being so low.
Oh, but don't you see?
Unless you wish to avoid life,
like a coward,
you've got to contact the Corrigans of this world.
Business, politics,
all our modern civilization demands
that people with ethics
get into the fight for decency.
You said it.
And so I'm going down this red hot second
and tell Jimmy Corrigan just what I think
of him if it's the last thing I ever do.
All right, how old was ya when
you left Atlanta, Georgia?
Er... I was 14 years old, sir.
Right. And... what were your father's
and mother's names?
Elizabeth Ann and Roger Smith Worthington,
sir.
Right again.
Did you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes, sir, I had a sister, sir.
And what was her name?
Geez, I'm never gonna remember
that dame's handle.
Abigail you fathead, Abigail!
Abigail. Yes, sir.
Little Abby, we used to call her.
You see, I was a bit confused, sir.
What was you confused about?
Cause after last time I didn't have no sister,
see? You stuck her in.
Cut that out.
Remember you're a southern gentleman,
you mug, a southern gentleman.
Now give him the line again,
give him the line.
Okay, boss. Look, here,
southern gentleman,
you must say "sho'nuff".
Sho'nuff?
Yes, sir. Then you must say "y'all".
Yall.
Y'all.
Y'all can impose the utmost confidence
in me, sir.
A Worthington, sir. A Georgia Worthington.
All right, Eddie. Take him down
to those lawyers.
And if he starts making a mistake,
kick him in the shins.
And if he makes any...
tie an anvil around his neck
and drop him in a drink.
Go ahead.
Okay, boss.
Look here, Colonel Abigail...
If y'all run out of words,
sing "My Ole Kentucky Home".
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Well, well.
If it ain't little Joanie.
How are you, baby? Come on in.
Cigarette?
No, thanks.
I've been thinking about you, baby.
I wish you wouldn't, Jimmy.
What?
Think about me.
What's the matter?
I'm liable to catch something hanging
out in your mind.
Oh, I don't see you for months
and the first thing you do is insult me.
Yes, if it's possible.
Well you're doing all right for a start.
What's in your mind?
Ronnie Gatson.
Why, the dirty little rat.
Did he squeal?
No, I caught him.
Oh, that's a shame.
You mean you're sorry, Jimmy?
Yeah, sure I'm sorry.
It spoils my whole setup
Oh, that's it.
You know I never like to see anybody
get caught.
Yeah, you don't care what anyone does,
it's just getting caught.
What's the matter with that?
I'm in business, ain't I?
I say, crooked business.
Oh, all business is crooked.
Signed Jimmy Corrigan,
the boy with the worm's eye view.
There's only two kinds of guys in business,
those who get caught and those
who don't.
It would give you a bad minute,
wouldn't it
to know that there are a lot of men
that don't look at things the way you do.
Name one... never mind, I know.
That big slob you're working for.
Bothers you, doesn't he?
Yeah, like a crumb in a Union suit.
Well, he'll always bother you, Jimmy.
He's got something you haven't.
The only thing that he's got
that I want is you
and he took you away from me.
I left you for a little decency.
Is it decent of him to be bribing all those
nurses and internes
down at the emergency?
He doesn't bribe them.
He pays them for decent service.
To keep me from getting
that same service.
To help decent people get
what's coming to them.
And a nice big cut for himself besides.
Only he's got ethics.
I don't care if he's got carbuncles.
The only difference between him and me
is he gotta smoother line.
Is that all?
Yeah, and a sharper knife that he sticks
in between your fourth and your fifth rib
and you don't know you're dead
until you get home.
You can't talk about him like that.
I'll talk about him any way I like.
You can't make yourself clean
by making him dirty.
He's a chiseler just the same as me.
He's a gentleman, you're a crook.
Oh, looks like he's done right
with you already.
Just what do you mean by that?
Do you need a diagram?
Ethics! Ethics!
I'll show you who's got ethics.
Have I got ethics or haven't I?
Sure, boss, you got 'em.
Then what are you holding on to me for?
Listen, boss, I got all that dope
on the old lady.
Am I a gentleman or ain't I?
Sure, boss, you've been a sucker
for class all your life.
Then what's the matter with that Jane?
What Jane?
Oh, I'll break her sweet-smelling neck.
I'll show her who's a gentleman.
Be so kind as to convey my appreciation
to Mr Wallingham
for his efforts on my behalf.
I shall be charmed, Madame.
We have only done our duty.
Our motto, you know, is service.
Monsieur.
Good day, Madame.
4 o'clock. Tea time.
Kindly serve Mr and Mrs Norton first,
Horton.
You will have some tea, won't you?
Mr Wallingham will be so ashamed
of being forced to keep you waiting.
Punctuality is our motto, you know.
Miss Martin, please.
Certainly, Mr Chalmers.
Thank you.
May I be of any assistance?
Yeah, I wanna see Joan.
Miss Martin?
Whom shall I say?
Just say Jimmy.
Mr?
Corrigan.
Won't you be seated, Mr Corrigan.
Make it snappy, will ya?
I'll see if Miss Martin is free.
Miss Martin, please.
Certainly.
May I give you some tea?
Am I in on this, too?
Sugar?
Yeah.
Another one.
Again.
Come on, one more lump.
Right this way, Mr Corrigan.
How do you do, Mr Corrigan.
Coote's my name. Chester Coote.
Pleased to meet you.
I wanna see Miss Martin.
I'll see if she's engaged.
Won't you sit down?
I'll only be a moment.
A spot of tea.
Thanks.
Sugar?
Yeah.
Thanks.
This way, Mr Corrigan.
What do you want?
You got no right to call me a crook.
Oh, did I call you that?
I apologize to the crooks.
What did I ever do to you to try to
make a monkey out of me?
I tried to make you a gentleman.
With no success.
There you go starting up again.
Joan, have we any more
of those turn page wafers?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Mr Wallingham, Mr Corrigan.
How nice.
I don't believe we've ever met.
Pleased to meet you.
I seen you around.
Will you join us in a cup of tea?
Yeah, sure, I'm very thirsty.
Cream or lemon, Jimmy?
A little of each.
May I?
You don't take sugar, do you?
Uh... no. No, thanks,
I never use sugar.
I tell Joan putting sugar in this jasmin tea
is a minor blasphemy.
Yeah, sure, that's what I think.
Will you have a biscuit?
Thank you.
A biscuit, Mr Corrigan?
Oh, thanks...
didn't turn out so good, huh?
You know, James...
You don't mind my calling you James,
do you?
No, go ahead, it's all right.
Has it ever occurred to you that we
don't take food half seriously enough here
in the States?
I think it depends
on how much you can get, don't it?
Very clever.
You know, for instance,
take the mortadella in Italy.
The petit marm in France
and the columarius consultienta in Spain.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm crazy to travel.
I should love to show you Paris.
More tea, Jimmy?
Oh, yes, yes, thanks.
I'm still thirsty.
Oh, excuse me.
So, do you do this regular?
What?
I mean, all this tea?
Religiously.
Why shouldn't the social ammenities
be brought into the business world?
That's what I say. Why shouldn't they?
Excuse me, there's my phone.
Will you have a cigar?
No, no, no. Never mind, look.
I got a proposition to make to you.
Sit right down there.
Now look.
It's all there, every bit of it.
The old dame that ate the poison cheese
sandwich and left all that dough...
her name is Sarah Barton.
Her nearest living relative is her nephew
Monty Barton.
It's all there, it's all yours.
Now we're even.
Now this is what you can do for me.
Tell me. Who makes all those nice clothes
for you?
How do you get all this swell class
into this joint?
And how long will it take a mug like me
to learn to talk your kinda lingo?
Hiya, boss.
What's the matter, boss?
Don't you feel good?
No, I don't feel good.
I know just the thing for you.
Me ol' grandma learned it to me.
When you don't feel good, all you have do
is take a nice big hot cup of tea.
Tea? Tea you tell me, huh?
Tea, you chuckleheaded silly looking ape.
I'm up to here with tea!
Come on, get out of here.
get out, you...
Deduct another five smackers
off my pay.
I'm convinced, Miss Barton,
that you have a legitimate claim
to all Sarah Barton's money
and we'll do everything in our power
to establish it legally.
Of course the money is really mine
there's no doubt about that.
unless that worthless father of mine
turns up.
If Monty Barton were going to turn up
I think he'd have done it long before this.
Oh, I do hope he's dead.
I'd hate to think of wasting all that
bus fare coming in from Baltimore.
We'll do all we can.
We'll get on it right away.
Thank you.
Not at all,
you will hear from us very soon.
Those papers you're leaving
are very valuable, I'm sure.
Good day.
Goodbye, Miss Barton.
There you are. Birth certificate, marriage license,
insurance papers, everything.
Splendid, splendid.
She's Monty Barton's daughter,
all right.
You've done great work in this case,
Joan.
That reminds me,
thanks for the raise.
You deserve it in more ways than one.
Thanks. I'm doing my best.
We've got to get all this settled before
Jimmy Corrigan pulls a fast one on us.
Oh, I don't think we have much to worry
about as far as he's concerned..
Have you noticed how he's been
slowing down the past few months?
Yes, have you noticed that, too?
Rather.
I wonder what's got into him.
Too much tea.
Good afternoon, Mr Corrigan's office.
To whom?
One moment, I'll connect you.
Your tea, Miss Finch.
Thank you.
All right, Miss Huffer,
Mr Corrigan will be so happy.
Hey, don't be so stingy with them lumps.
Hello?
Okay.
Hey, Speedy, don't forget your old
aunt Emma.
Yeah...
Pardon?
To whom?
To whom would you care to speak?
When Mr Corrigan find out my family
come from Caterina di Medici
he gonna get the family jewel for me.
Stew and Eddie are here, Mr Corrigan.
They brought in a guy, er....
a gentleman... what's the name, please?
Hendrickson, Lady Verdervere.
Mr Hendrickson,
he has news on Monty Barton.
Yeah?
Hey, there's a guy outside says he knows
where Monty Barton is.
Yeah, send him in. Send him right away.
Go ahead.
What do you want with Monty Barton?
I thought you gave that tip
to Wallingham.
You don't see this guy passing up
anything, do you?
How do you think I'm gonna keep up
this joint?
What am I gonna use
to pay you off with, old cigar bands?
Hello, boys.
I know I shouldn't have come here...
Hello, boss.
Say, boss, this is Mr Hendrickson.
Mr Corrigan.
Hiya.
We met Mr Hendrickson over at
Rick's place.
He said he knew Monty Barton
so we brought him along to have
a talk with you.
I know I shouldn't have come here.
Look...
Look, that's how I get.
Yeah, I see, all right, fine...
Now sit down, have a little rest.
You know, I... You see, I...
I need my medicine.
Yeah, I understand.
They tell me you know something
about Monty Barton.
What will you give me?
How much will you give me?
I'll play fair with you.
I'll give you $50.
Keep it. Keep your dirty money.
Catch me squealing out, pal.
Catch me...
All right. I ain't asking you
to squeal on anybody.
Give it to me, give it to me...
Can't you see I need it, can't you see?
Yeah, yeah, now look.
Tell me...
Are the cops looking for Monty Barton?
Oh, they are.
For what?
Murder.
Oh, yeah?
You won't give him up, will you?
I'm no squealer, I swear to God...
All right, all right.
Boss, wait a minute.
I ain't heard of no Monty Barton
wanted for murder.
Because he don't go by that name, see?
But I know his name's Barton.
I took a watch out for him yesterday,
the hocker.
He don't dare show his face.
I looked in the case, and there it was.
Monty Barton, but that's not the name
they're looking for.
All right, now what is the name?
Joe Rector, the gambler.
Joe Rector's Money Bargain?
That's him, that's him, and there's
the dame that saw him do it.
This is far enough, this is far enough.
Now look, I'll go on ahead.
Give me 5 minutes to get inside.
And give it plenty of lung, you hear,
plenty of lung.
Now look, take a long time in front
of his house.
It's up the block
on the other side of the street.
Number 863, you got it?
The big gambler captured!
Joe Rector caught!
Joe Rector!
The hotshot captured!
The Big gambler!
Joe Rector captured!
Extra! Read about it!
The big gambler captured!
Joe Rector!
The big shot Joe Rector!
Hey, boy, give me a paper.
Hey, boy, give me one of those papers.
Give me a paper, will you?
Hurry up, give me a paper.
Joe Rector captured, the big time gambler.
Hello.
I think I can make it.
Looking for this?
There you are, Joe.
That shows where I stand.
What do you want?
Skip it. Skip it.
Sit down.
Come on, sit down.
Wanna talk to you.
Now, listen. I ain't in the least bit interested
in the guy named Joe Rector.
Don't know anything about him.
Never even heard of him, see?
Get me?
But I am looking for a guy named
Monty Barton.
And you wanna know why?
Because he just came into $200.000.
What?
Got a match?
$200.000.
What a lucky guy you are.
Remember your aunt Sarah from Philly?
Yeah.
Your dearest relative?
She ate a poison cheese sandwich
and turned up her toes.
Gee...
Ain't that a shame?
Say, who are you?
James Corrigan.
Genealogist. Read it when you get time.
What do I do to get the dough?
Just go down and tell 'em who you are.
Go down and tell 'em who I am, eh?
Swell. I only got a murder rap hanging
over me.
Yeah. That's right.
You're asking me to crawl up
in that electric chair?
And whistle for the Jews.
You can buy an awful lot of lawyers
with that $200.000.
Listen, if I'm caught, the only thing
that'll keep me from burning...
is a short circuit.
You can tell me.
Did you really top that guy Burke?
Well, he pulls a gun
and starts blazing away
so I let him have six with the ol' equalizer
and they bury him the next day.
Draw your own conclusion.
You ain't got no murder charge
against you.
You shot in self defense.
Sure. Just try to convince the jury.
There was a dame in the room
when the fun started.
Who?
Burke's doll.
His sweetheart?
Yeah. She'll get on that witness stand...
and tell a story that'll make the judge
and jury start a lynching mob.
What's her name?
Gladys Farrell, works in a night trap.
Is she married?
No.
Are you?
No.
What's it worth to you to beat that rap
and get the dough besides?
Say, you been belting the grape?
I'm stone sober and I'm asking you.
What's it worth to you?
I'll split with ya.
Put it in writing.
Hey, what are you doing?
You ain't got nothing to lose,
have you?
It's either me or fry.
It's my apartment.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, honey.
Wait a minute.
Hello.
Yeah, boss, this is I.
I been standing by like you told me.
No, boss, I been looking up
that heiress.
Is she with you now?
No, don't send her away.
I'd love to meet her.
Gee, that's swell of you, boss.
I know you'll like her.
Her name is Mabel.
She's a perfect little lady.
Sure, she must be.
Tell me, Lou, tell me...
Is she married?
Well, kinda. Me and her
have been thinking about getting hooked.
We'll go into that later.
Now look, kid. Look, Lou...
You hop down to City Hall and get a
marriage license for Monty Barton, see?
What are you pullin'?
Lay off that arm.
He must be a mind reader.
What's the name of the pancake
that Barton's gonna marry?
Fanny Brown.
Yeah. "F".
"F" like in finagle.
Come on, get in your coat...
you save time.
Now look, Lou, look, kid...
Bring back a Justice of the Peace
with you.
Yeah. A dumb one.
Yeah, all right, baby...
Yeah, goodbye.
Bye, kid.
Are you ready?
Money don't talk.
It screams right out loud.
I gotta go, baby.
Look, Louie...
Did you mean it honest to Pete
about us getting married?
Well, keep working on me.
I might give in.
All right. Here's your hat.
Here you are, baby.
Sugar pie, I'm just devoted to that ring.
Be nice to Mr Corrigan when he gets here,
will ya? He's a prince.
All right.
And we're good for a swell wedding
present if he takes to you.
Bye. Oh, Louie. Come here.
Do you like nails all one color?
Ohhh....
My name's Corrigan.
Mr Corrigan,
Louie told me all about you.
He said you was a prince.
You sure he said prince?
Hm-hmm.
Well, well.
How's it baby?
How's what?
How's everything?
How should I know? I've only been in town
a couple of months.
Hm-hmm. Come with me.
Come right here. Come here.
Meet the Misses.
Whose? Yours?
No, yours.
It's neither one, Mr Corrigan.
Now wait a minute, take it easy.
Wait a minute.
Me, me...
Oh, I'm sorry. Say when.
What do you mean?
Let it go.
Here, it's all yours.
Bungy ride.
Look, baby.
What would you do for $500?
I'd do my best.
Well, look, listen...
I want you to marry this gentleman.
When?
Now.
I'd have to have my hair done first.
You know,
I always say it's half the battle.
That electric chair don't look so bad.
Now wait a minute, take it easy,
take it easy.
Sit tight.
Mabel, Mabel...
What's your name?
Mabel.
That's right.
Now look, look.
Here's $250,
$250 on account.
On account of what?
On account of your name is
Fanny Brown.
Can you remember that?
Sure, on account.
She caught that head in the door
when she was a baby.
Ten, twenty...
Listen cope with that for a minute, will you?
seventy, eighty... Hello, honey.
Here we are, Judge.
I'll get Mr Corrigan.
There he is now. Boss...
I want you to meet...
Hiya, Judge.
Pleased to meet you...
My name is Corrigan.
Sit down over here, will you?
I got a couple of things I gotta do.
Sit right right there, I'll be right with you.
Come here, Lou, come here.
Hello, Louie.
Come on.
I knew we shouldn't have went in
for antics.
Sufficient you needed it
the moment thereof.
Now get out of the way.
here, you try to act like a crazy
about each other.
Stick that in your kick.
And you, you act respectful.
Stay right there.
Hello, cupid,
Okay, Judge, verything's all set.
Right in here, in here.
Very well, my son.
Join your right hands.
Do you take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
Do you also take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
The ring.
Repeat after me.
With this ring I thee wed.
With this ring I thee wed.
I pronounce you man and wife.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Thanks, thanks, Judge.
Thank you very much.
You did a swell job.
Ain't you gonna kiss me?
Is it all right with you?
Certainly.
You're leaving, ain't you?
Oh, sure.
Then go ahead.
Come on, Louie, come on, boy.
We got a big nice work ahead of us.
I need you, hurry up.
Wait a minute!
Hey!
Come here, come here.
Gimme that ring, gimme that ring.
Are you gonna leave them two alone?
Don't you think we better?
They'll still be here
when we come back, come on.
Hey, listen.
We know a Justice of the Peace
over in Jersey, too, don't we?
Yeah, old Joe Clooney.
Waltz over there and get
a marriage license for Monty Barton.
Again?
Another two days and that guy will be related to everybody in town by bigamy.
Who's the dame this time?
Gladys Farrell.
Ethics!
And bring a Justice of Peace back here
with you.
Who's Gladys Farrell?
The state's star witness against
Monty Barton.
Alias Joe Rector.
Boss, I don't understand all this.
If you did it wouldn't be no good.
Now get out of here. Go on.
I knew we'd get along.
Now look, babe, listen.
Tell me, Gladys.
What would you do
for a nice little piece of change?
What wouldn't I do.
We know all about that, but this is business.
All right, so it's business.
How do I snag this dough?
By not testifying against Joe Rector.
So that's it.
Say, I'll send that hyena to the chair
and put a tack in it.
All right, all right, listen.
Suppose you do send him to the hot squat.
Does the D.A. give you anything? No.
Does the State give you anything? No.
Wouldn't you be a chump
to pass up a big hunk of dough?
In the first place I couldn't keep
from testifying against him if I wanted to.
Why not.
Because I've already given
all the dope to the D.A.
But it wouldn't stand.
The D.A couldn't make you testify
against him.
It would be against the law.
If you're Joe Rector's wife.
What? Me marry that toad?
It wouldn't have to mean anything.
I tell you no. "N" like in no, "O" like in no.
No, N-O!
All right,
Joe Rector just came into $200.000.
But the money's no object.
Hey, wait a minute.
Who'd leave that ape $200.000?
Right here. Read this.
That old dame was his aunt.
Well, I hope to lay down
and never get up.
Look, you're the state's only witness
against him.
And you save him from the electric chair.
And Monty comes in to $200.000.
And I get a big red apple.
That and half the dough.
Because in this state, half of all
community property goes to the wife.
What does my end come to net?
$100.000.
Say, for 10% of that I'd marry
King Kong.
Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
And do you take this man
to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do.
Gotta have a ring.
You won't think any less of me, will you,
baby, for forgetting the ring.
That's all right, when you shed your skin
send me the rattles.
Here you are.
Thanks.
Place this ring on her finger.
Always using the third finger...
and repeat what I say after me.
With this ring I thee wed.
With this ring I thee wed.
Now, in my invested office as
Justice of the Peace
I pronounce you man and wife.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
All right, Joe.
Here's your dough. And don't forget.
Keep these out of the papers.
I'll take care of that.
All right, fine.
Well, goodbye, King Kong.
Goodbye, Mrs Barton.
Don't forget me when you send out
invitations to your funeral, will you?
I won't. Will you do something for me?
Anything you say, baby.
Lay these on your chest, babe.
Fresh putz.
Well, you can't say he doesn't come
from a nice family.
When do I collect?
As soon as I get everything
all straightened out.
I'll let you know, baby.
Okay.
I'll call you up.
All right, so long, kid.
Goodbye.
Hey, she's got my ring.
Forget it, I'll get you a new one.
Come on, this calls
for a little celebration, right, boys?
Pour yourselves a drink, go on.
Hello, Police Headquarters?
Hello, give me Lieutenant Costello.
Detective Bureau, that's it.
Hey, who are you calling.
Step on it, will ya?
Why you...
Come on, give me Detective Costello,
hurry up.
You dirty double-crosser.
Shut up, you bigamist!
Let go of me, let go of me...
How do you expect to get all that dough
if you're not acquitted?
Hello, hello...
Tell him Jimmy Corrigan
wants to speak to him, will ya?
You didn't say anything about the cops.
How do you expect to get acquitted
without a trial?
Hello, Detective Costello?
I'll get you for this.
This is Corrigan speaking.
How do you expect to be tried
if you're not caught?
Hello, Lieutenant Costello, look...
Look, I got Joe Rector here
in my apartment.
Yeah, honest I have.
You son of a..
Hurry up, boss, I'm getting dizzy.
He's here right now.
Yeah, he wants to give himself up.
What? Well, get them up.
It's the 12th floor.
Get me off this merry-go-round!
Come on right away, hurry up.
Are we sitting pretty
or are we sitting pretty?
With Corrigan in the background
I'm not so sure.
It's a walkaway.
Your colloquialisms are a bit confusing.
That's for ordinary people.
I bought three of them.
Ethics, that's me.
Ethics in a big way.
Jimmy, why did you do this?
Because of you.
What?
Yeah.
Really, Jimmy?
Yeah.
But I wanted to get your okay.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
Oh.
And think I came here to crow over you
because they scooped you on the Barton case.
And now I can't.
That's all right, I don't mind that.
I wanna quit this racket, anyway.
As soon as I finish this case I'm on.
What are you gonna do?
Take care of you if you let me.
We'll get a partnership.
You throw in yourself
and I'll chuck in the whole world.
What's the matter, baby?
Don't you like me anymore?
Of course I do, you know that.
I always have.
Just afraid that everytime
I go into the Post Office I'll...
see your picture pasted on the wall.
What do I have to do to convince you?
Didn't I sign the whole Barton case
over to your boss?
Didn't I push $100.000 right out of my lap?
Jimmy, you're sure you're not reneging
on that case?
Hope to have a stroke, I am.
I'm not even gonna be in court.
Make me respect you.
I will, baby, you know that.
You know I will.
After a complete examination
of all evidence presented in this case
and a most careful study of every
circumstance pertaining thereto
the motion of the defendant,
Monty Barton
to dismiss, is granted.
This court is of the opinion
that the state has totally failed
to produce sufficient evidence
to substantiate the charge of murder.
However reluctant I might be
to make such a decision
the absence of convicting testimony
defeats the charge as stated.
Even though that charge was based
on circumstances
of an apparently incriminating nature.
Said defendant Monty Barton,
alias Joe Rector,
in the information on file herein
is by me dismissed.
I'm very sorry, Miss Barton.
Does that mean I lose the inheritance?
The thing that beat us was
that he was married to the only witness
that could testify against him.
It was a neat trick.
Let's go.
Sorry, Joan.
Tough break.
It was a neat trick, all right.
C'est la guerre.
Jimmy, have you business in court today?
No... no, I had nothing to do
so I just sort of dropped in.
Let's go. It feels kind of close in here.
Can I drop you anyplace?
Funny, I was just gonna ask you that.
Au revoir, Corrigan.
Filet mignon, Wallingham.
Order in the court.
And the State Court of Probate
having examined all claims presented,
it has been proven
beyond a shadow of a doubt
that the claimant here is properly sustained.
And the property and the moneys
left by the said intestate Sarah Barton
are ordered distributed forthwith
to Monty Barton,
nephew of the deceased.
Call the next case.
Congratulations, boy.
Congratulations to you, too.
Oh, honey bunch, ain't that swell?
Yeah, come on.
Order in the court.
Here you are, Monty.
All made out, just like you said.
Sign right there.
I earned every cent of it.
There you are.
You did a swell job, Jimmy.
Well, we all give good service.
Okay, boy.
Hello.
Giving things away?
Who wants to know?
Don't you remember me?
I'm your little wife, Gladys. You heel.
You'll have to excuse me, m'am,
I meet so many people.
Would a marriage certificate help
your memory?
Here you are, baby.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
You can buy it back for half the dough
you just inherited.
It isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Oh, yeah, ask him if a wife's not entitled
to half her husband's property in this State.
Listen, Gladys,
something came up a little while ago
I didn't know nothing about.
It was a terrific shock to me, too.
I learned not ten minutes ago that
besides being a crook and a chiseler
this guy is also a bigamist.
What?
Excuse me. Hello, honey bunch.
He crossed us up, too.
He was already married to her
when he stood out with you.
There you are, baby,
signed, sealed and delivered.
I'm married to this pancake.
I love being called that name.
Why, you dirty, double-crossing snake...
Take it easy.
That ain't gonna get you nothing.
Don't give me the runaround.
Them or all of you.
Who's trying to give you the runaround?
I'm just a victim of that guy's wiles.
Listen, I'm married to that ape
and getting half of what he's got
or I'll take the stand and send him
to the chair.
I wouldn't do that, Gladys.
People will do in your reputation by thinking
you pulled that fake marriage
so you wouldn't have to testify against him
That's accessory before the fact.
You know, like you did it for money.
You slimy chiseler.
Your word wouldn't be worth
a dime against his.
And you might get yourself thrown
into jail.
Besides, you don't have any legal claim
on his bankroll, so look...
I don't wanna see you
left out in the cold, see...
So I had a nice little check
all ready for you.
And when you say nice, you mean little.
Many a guy works a whole month
for $100.
Oh...
Now wait a minute, wait.
If you don't mind,
that's been in the family a long time.
That's gratitude.
Come on, honey, let's go home.
Goodbye.
Hey, wait a minute. You don't think
you're married to me, do you?
Sure I do. Ain't your name
Monty Barton?
Right. But yours ain't Fanny Brown.
That's right, I just remembered.
I was married under a phony name.
There's your bride, Louie,
blushing and everything.
Come on, honey, let's go home.
Go on. Get outta here.
Don't you love me anymore?
I ain't playing second trombone
to no guy.
Who said anything about music?
Go on, scram!
Oh, Monty, yoo-hoo!
Monty, wait for me.
Monty!
Hello, Louie.
Hiya.
Congratulations.
What for?
For your work on the Barton case.
You boys sure deserve a lot of credit.
Did Jimmy tell ya?
Do you think Jimmy has any secrets
from me?
Well, I didn't know.
I understand you're the brains of it,
Louie.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Now, now, none of that modesty stuff.
I know your work.
Well, I will say that Jimmy
couldn't have found it without me.
Not that I'm trying to take anything
away from him, you understand.
Sure, I know.
But what I don't understand is,
how did the other little girl figure in it.
Mabel?
Yeah, Mabel.
Oh, that's a honey.
First he marries her to Barton
so that the second marriage with
Gladys Farrell won't be legal.
But Gladys don't know that.
She thinks she's married to Barton,
and so does the D.A., for that matter...
so naturally she can't testify
against him being his wife.
But you should have seen her face just now
when Jimmy collects $100.000 from Barton
and turns and tells her
she ain't entitled to a thin dime.
But the payoff is neither is that other
little pancake Mabel entitled to anything.
she being married under
a fictitious name.
Hello, baby.
I was just gonna give you a ring.
What's the matter?
You can go down deeper, stay under longer
and come up dirtier
than any man I've ever known.
What's the matter with that dame?
I don't understand, huh?
First she says she's proud of me and then
when I give her some of the details...
Details?
Why, you big silly-looking
pickle-pushing blabbering ape...
You shattered whole scheme of romance,
you know that?
Hey, what's the matter?
Nothing's the matter, is it?
Yeah.
I will greatly appreciate
your immediate attention to this matter...
as I am anxious to close our files
on the Barton case.
There, there, Joan.
Now don't take it this way.
He simply isn't worth it.
Any man who had double-crossed
you as he did
I'm not sorry, just mad.
Sore at myself for believing in him.
You're very fortunate to be rid of him.
Here, now, now, there, hold still.
You're too fine to be mixed up
with his sort.
Here, wait a minute.
Use that.
You need a more delicate appreciation
a nature more en rapport
I need a new makeup.
I look a mess.
No, no, you look lovely.
A little tired, perhaps.
What you need is a good, long rest.
And I know just where you can get it.
Could I pay for it, say, $10 down and...
$10 a year?
Joan, dear.
I'm a bit gauche at this sort of thing.
But why don't you let me
take care of you?
Mr Wallingham...
Oh, don't Mister me, please.
I've grown terribly fond of you.
Mr Wallingham...
We'd be so congenial together.
I've tried so hard to make you really mine.
I better get out of here before
I say yes.
Oh, please, don't go.
Wait a minute.
Please, say yes, please.
We could spend a quiet weekend together.
I'm afraid.
Of what, dear?
That I won't make you happy.
Oh, dearest.
I promise you I'll try awfully hard...
Sweet little idiot.
...to make you a good wife.
Was that your phone?
I didn't hear anything.
Oh, I'm so happy.
Come in, Mr Corrigan.
Corrigan?
Yes, Mr Corrigan.
He'll be the first to congratulate us.
Jimmy, Mr Wallingham has asked me
to marry him.
Oh, so I'm just in time.
Well, I only wish you the best.
You know that, Joanie.
Thanks.
And you, too, Mr W.
You're one lucky gent.
So good of you.
I'd give my right eye...
It would turn out to be glass.
Now wait a minute, Joanie,
wait a minute.
I came up here to prove to you
that I'm strictly on the level with you.
You're the greatest chiseler
since Michelangelo.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
No, don't go, please.
I came up here to see you, really.
Here.
What's this?
My check for $100.000.
The money of Barton's daughter.
What?
That's my cut of the Barton case.
I'm turning it all over to her.
But it's made out to me.
Yeah, I know.
That's because I couldn't locate her.
Besides, she's your client. All you gotta do
is put your John Hancock on here
and turn it over to her.
It's not quite complete.
What do you mean it's not complete?
It just lacks that little rubber stamp
that says "No Funds".
I'll bet it bounces like a tennis ball.
Well, you don't have to take
my word for it.
You just sign it over to her
and let her put it through.
If the check is good you'll probably plan
to have her bumped off
before she can deposit it.
Now what do you wanna say that for?
Because I've learned from a lot of experience
that you're the kind of a guy
that would steal two left shoes.
All right, Joanie. Say anything you want.
But I wanna tell you one thing.
I wouldn't give up this much dough
for anybody but you.
But I'd rather have you think one kind
thought of me
than have anything else in the world.
Don't forget that.
So long, Wallingham.
Take good care of her, will ya?
Well, that's the end of that.
And a very good job, too.
Put your arms around me.
Make me love you.
Make me love you,
you've got to make me love you!
Well, if we're going to get away Saturday,
there are still a few things we want doing.
You mean the license?
How did you guess?
Yeah, it was a hot idea,
but it didn't work.
We're bust.
Don't get nervous.
Let's give that dope
a couple of more minutes.
Oh, I wouldn't mind losing my girl to
a regular guy, but that soft pillow-punching...
I still got hopes.
He's all front and no back.
I know his tongue is hanging out
for ready cash.
Why, his tailor told me Wallingham
ain't paid him in 3 years.
And besides...
Aw, quit blabbing.
We're bust.
I'm gonna stop payment on that check.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
there he is.
Will you wait, please.
What did I tell ya, what did I tell ya?
Come on, get going. See what he does.
Yeah, yeah.
There you are, sir. Certified.
Thank you very much.
This is the only outside view with bath
I have left, Mr Wallingham.
Of course, if you'd like an inside.
No, I'd prefer the outside, please.
Then I suggest B-65 is very comfortable.
That'll be fine.
Are you travelling alone?
Alone, yes.
You'll find B-65 very comfortable, sir.
It's on the promenade deck.
That's fine, I'll take it.
Can't you put something in it
that'll make it sound more like him?
Like what?
Some English word.
Oh, I only finished half of that
shelf of books.
I don't know any of that English stuff.
How about, er...
Cheerio?
Say, yeah, that sounds English.
Cheerio. How do you spell...
Come in.
Joan!
Well? Here I am. I got your message
just an hour ago.
Oh.
Oh, you got my message.
I'm so happy.
Why the telegram?
What telegram?
The one you sent me.
Oh, yes, of course, the telegram I sent you.
Why didn't you telephone?
I couldn't. I only got the tip myself
two hours ago.
Tip?
Yes, you see, er...
The Earl of...
...what is his name?
Treacher, Stephen Treacher,
Earl of Wessex.
Well, what about him?
Nothing. Only he died
and left 8 million pounds.
And a lot of nasty claims.
The family sent for me.
I must be in London by Tuesday.
How marvelous.
Isn't it marvelous?
You're here and I'm here...
Isn't it going to be frightfully jolly?
We must get the captain to marry us
right away.
How did you guess we were going
to have the captain marry us?
I'll hop out and get him.
You know anything about Jimmy's check?
Yes. I went to the bank this afternoon
and the check was no good, of course.
He's a cockeyed liar, that check is good.
He's got it in his pocket right now.
He had it certified at the bank
this afternoon.
What are you doing here?
Get out of here. What cheek!
Listen, Joan, let me explain.
That guy's leaving
with a $100.000 check.
He didn't send you a telegram, I did.
You ask him to show you that
steamer ticket.
If there's more than one, I'll eat it.
Well, is that true?
If you ask that,
you can leave with them.
Are you gonna show that ticket?
Get out of here or I'll call the steward.
Answer that.
Iced water, Miss.
Look, Joanie, look.
Here, you can see for yourself.
That steamer ticket's for only one.
Now look. I gave him this check
to prove to you he's a crook and a phony.
Why you...
Missed him!
Right in the satchel.
Jimmy...
then you really meant this money for
Posey Barton.
Yeah, sure.
If you want to convince me,
mail this check to her.
That's what I always meant to do.
Really?
Yeah, you wouldn't doubt me,
would you?
Not if you mail it to her right
this minute.
She's practically spending it now.
Louie, Louie, come here.
Louie...
What a cheek.
Here, come on, get up out of there,
will ya?
Come here. Get me a fountain pen.
I'm getting an envelope.
Here, where did you say she was?
Box 372, Baltimore, Maryland.
What's that?
I didn't mean that. Just force of habit.
Now give it to me again.
Miss Posey Barton,
Hm-hmm.
Box 372, Baltimore, Maryland.
372, Baltimore, Maryland.
All right, there you are, here.
Mail that Pony Express.
And tell the captain we wanna see him.
I ain't got no stamps.
Get outta here!
After all that trouble.
Here, give me that.
What are you doing?
Ethics, sweetheart, ethics.
I'm just crawling with ethics.