Juno (2007) Movie Script
It started with a chair.
I've wanted this for a really long time.
I know.
Wizard.
Jeez Banana, shut your freakin' gob OK?
This is the most magnificent discarded
living room set Ive ever seen.
Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.
Back for another test?
I think the first one was defective,
The plus sign looks more like a division symbol,
so I remain unconvinced.
Third test today, Momma Bear,
your eggo's preggo, no doubt about it.
It's really easy to tell, is your
nipples real brown?
Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms,
knocked you up twice.
Silencio, old man. Look, I just drank
my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
Pay for that pee stick when you're done.
Don't think it's yours just 'cause
you marked it with your urine.
What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle:
Minus or plus?
I don't know, it's not seasoned yet.
I'll take some of these.
There it is.
The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is
one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet.
Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.
I'm a suicide risk.
Juno?
No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any
bones that need collecting?
Only the one in my pants.
I'm pregnant.
What? Honest to blog?
Yeah, it's Bleeker's.
It's probably just a food baby,
did you have a big lunch?
This is not a food baby, I've taken three
pregnancy tests and I am fo' shiz up the spout.
How did you even generate enough pee for
three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.
I don't know, I drank like ten tons of SunnyD.
I'm telling you I'm pregnant and
you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Is this for real?
Like for real for real?
Unfortunately yes.
Oh, my God!
Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!
That was kind of the emotion that I was
searching for on the first take.
Are you going to Havenbrook or Women Now?
You need a note from your parents for Havenbrook.
Yeah, I know. No, I'm going to go to Women Now,
just 'cause they help out women now.
Do you want me to call for you?
Because I called for Becky last year.
No, I can call myself. Oh, but I do need your help
with something, it's like critically important.
You know, heavy lifting can really only
help you at this point.
Seriously.
So, you were bored? That's how
this blessed miracle came to be?
No, the act was premeditated. I mean, the sex,
not the whole "let's get pregnant" thing.
So, when did you decide that you were
gonna do Bleeker?
I don't know.
A year ago in Spanish class.
You love him.
It's actually really complicated, OK?
And I don't feel like talking about it
in my fragile state.
So what was it like?
Humping Bleek's bony bod?
Magnificent.
Hey, Bleek.
Wicked tiger.
It looks proud.
I swiped it from Ms. Rancick's lawn.
Wow, your shorts are like
especially gold today.
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Go Carole.
I'll tell her.
When I see them all running like that,
with their things bouncing around in their shorts,
I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to,
all I see is pork swords.
I'm supposed to be running.
So guess what.
What? I don't know.
I'm pregnant.
What should we do?
Oh, you know, I was thinking I'd just nip it
in the bud before it gets worse.
Because they were talking about it in health class,
how pregnancy can often lead to an infant.
Typically, yeah, yeah.
That's what happens when
our moms and teachers get pregnant.
So, you're cool with that then?
Yeah, yeah, wizard. You know,
do whatever you think you should do, you know?
Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you,
I know it wasn't your idea.
Whose idea was it?
I'll see you at school , alright?
Whose idea was it?
Hey, your book fell apart.
Right.
It must have looked at your face.
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo
secretly wants me.
Jocks like him
always want freaky girls.
Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan
footwear and Goth makeup.
Girls who play the cello and read McSweeney's
and want to be childrens librarians when they grow up.
Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.
They just wont admit it, because theyre
supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders you know,
Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.
Me too, I love Woody Allen!
Alright people.
We're doing chromatography lab today,
so find your partners and break into groups of four.
Well, there's nothing like experimenting.
I did the prep questions for this lab last night,
so you can just copy my answers if you want.
I couldnt copy your work.
You copy my work every week.
True, I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, aren't I?
No, no, I don't mind.
I think you definitely bring something to the table.
Charisma.
Who's ready for some chromamagnificence?
I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't
really look at bright lights today.
Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary
and lie down. You never listen.
No, Josh, because I don't take orders.
Not from you and not from any man.
You know, you've been acting like this ever since
I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato.
I already told you, nothing happened.
Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.
Juno, do you want to plug in the Bunsen burner?
It's my pleasure.
Im going to the infirmary.
Good. Call me when you get off the rag.
Fine, call me when you learn how to love someone,
instead of cheating at your brother's college,
Just because you've had four Smirnoff Ices and
a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boones!
Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that,
I'll make a note of it.
I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor
is the best flavor of Boone's.
Isn't that right, Bleek?
Oprimo numero dos.
Yeah, I'm just calling to
procure a hasty abortion.
What?
Can you just hold on for a second,
I'm on my hamburger phone.
Okay, now I can,
Yeah, it's really awkward to talk on.
Yeah, I need an abortion.
Sixteen.
I'm gonna say it's been about two months and
four days since the sex,
Mind you, that's just like a guestimation.
Sorry, how long have I been what?
Oh, I hate it when adults use the term
"sexually active".
What does it even mean?
Can I deactivate someday, or is this a
permanent state of being?
I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it,
I guess thats why he got that look on his face.
You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.
I had to get out my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.
My dad used to be in the Army, but
now hes just your average HVAC specialist.
He and my mom got divorced when I was five,
She lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona
with her new husband and three replacement kids.
Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus
every Valentines Day.
And Im like, Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly. This
cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.
Thats my stepmom, Bren,
she's completely obsessed with dogs.
Owns a nail salon and always smells
like methylmethacrylate.
So Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved
an entire living room set from one lawn to the other,
or the one where I downed a sixty-four
ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?
Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?
Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door,
the one I got up in Stillwater?
There was some blue shit,
I mean, gunk, stuff in there this morning.
I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.
I mean, maybe L.B. did it.
Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato,
Im gonna kick your little monkey butt.
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
Hey Su-Chin.
Hi, Juno.
How are you?
You know, pretty solid.
So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?
No, not yet.
I tried to work on it a little last night,
but Im having trouble concentrating.
I'll sell you some of my Adderall.
No thanks, I'm off pills.
That's a wise choice 'cause I knew this girl,
she had this crazy freakout.
She took too many behavioral meds at once and she
ripped off her clothes
and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall like,
Blaaaaah! Im a kraken from the sea!
I heard that was you.
It was good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know?
It can feel pain,
And it has fingernails.
Fingernails? Really?
Welcome to Women Now, where
women are trusted friends.
Please put your hands where I can see them
and surrender any bombs.
Hey, Im here for the big show.
Your name, please?
Juno MacGuff.
She thinks Im using a fake name.
Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.
I need you to fill these out, both sides.
We need to know about every score and every sore.
Would you like a free condom?
Theyre boysenberry.
No, Im off sex.
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.
They make his jocks smell like pie.
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
God appreciates your miracle!
Dude, what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to come get you at four.
I couldnt do it, Leah!
It smelled like a dentist office in there,
And there were these horrible magazines
with water stains.
And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to give me
these condoms that looked like grape suckers,
and just babbling away about
her friggin' boyfriends pie balls.
Yum!
And Su-Chin was there, and she was like,
"Oh hi! Babies have fingernails."
Fingernails!
That's gruesome.
You think the baby can scratch your
vag on the way out?
Im staying pregnant, Leah.
Dude! You gotta keep your voice down, my mom is inside.
She doesnt know that were sexually active.
What does that even mean?
I've been thinking.
I was thinking that I could have this baby and
give it to someone who totally needs it.
You know, like a woman with a bum ovary or
a couple of nice lesbos.
But then youre gonna get huge and your
chest is gonna milktate.
- And you have to tell people that youre pregnant.
- But maybe theyll canonize me for being so selfless.
Maybe theyll totally shit and be really mad and not
let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break.
I was going to go to
Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.
You should look at adoption ads,
I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.
They have ads for parents?
Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to
terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment.
Its totally legit.
"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple
have found true love with each other."
"All thats missing is your bastard."
I want a parakeet.
Youre totally not even listening to me.
No, I heard you. I don't want to give the baby to a family
that describes themselves as "wholesome."
- Why?
- I want something a little more edgier.
- Okay, what did you have in mind exactly?
- I was thinking a graphic designer,
mid-thirties, with a cool Asian girlfriend who dresses
awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.
But I don't want to be too particular.
OK, how about this?
"Educated, successful couple seeking
infant to join our family of five."
"You will be compensated. Help us
complete the circle of love."
That sounds great.
They sound like a friggin' cult. Besides, they already
have three kids, they're greedy little bitches.
Oh, Juno! How about this one?
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,
And they were beautiful even in black and white.
Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?
No, I dont think so.
You ran eight miles today, Puppy.
Im not hungry, oddly.
But its breakfast for supper.
It's your favorite, Paul.
Yeah.
Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.
You know how I feel about her.
Youve mentioned it a couple times.
She is just ...
... different.
Yeah.
I 'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.
Hon, did you get expelled?
No. The school would most likely contact you
in the event of my expulsion.
Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.
Do you need a large amount of money?
Legal counsel?
No, Im not asking for anything.
Except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be
friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit
someone with the Previa?
No.
Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
But Im going to give it up for adoption.
I already found the perfect couple.
They're gonna pay for the
medical expenses and everything.
In thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this
never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry.
Im sorry.
And if it is any consolation,
I have heartburn thats
radiating down to my kneecaps
and I havent take a dump since Wednesday.
Morning!
I didnt even know you were sexually active!
Who is the kid?
The baby? I dont really know much about it.
It has fingernails, allegedly.
Nails? Really?
Yeah.
I mean, who is the father, Juno?
It's Paulie Bleeker.
Paulie Bleeker?
What?
I didnt think he had it in him!
I know, right?
Right, this is no laughing matter.
No, it's not.
And Paulie is actually great.
In chair.
You were thinking about adoption?
Yeah, theres this couple.
Theyve been trying to have a kid for five years.
We found them in the Penny Saver next to the
exotic birds.
They have a legitimate lawyer and I was
going to go meet with them next weekend.
Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do.
Probably tougher than you can understand right now.
I know ...
... It's just that Im not ready to be a mom.
Damn skippy, youre not!
You dont even remember to give
Liberty Bell her breathing meds.
That was once! And she did not die, if you recall!
Honey, had you considered, you
know, the alternative?
No.
Well, youre a little Viking!
First things first,
we have to get you healthy.
You need prenatal vitamins,
Incidentally, they do incredible
things for your nails, so thats a plus.
Oh, and we need to schedule a doctors appointment.
Figure out where youre going to deliver.
Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this adoption people.
Youre just a kid. I dont want you to get
ripped off by a couple of babystarved wingnuts.
Thanks, Dad.
I thought you were the kind of girl
who knew when to say when.
I don't really know what kind of girl I am.
Tell it to me straight, Bren.
Do you think this is my fault?
I think kids get bored and have intercourse.
And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
I am not ready to be a Pop-Pop.
Youre not going to be a Pop-Pop.
Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing
from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?
Yeah. But I was hoping she
was expelled or into hard drugs.
That was my first instinct too.
Or D.W.I. Anything but this.
And Im going to punch that Bleeker kid in
the weiner the next time I see him.
Mac, no.
You know it wasnt his idea.
Hi! Im Vanessa. You must be Juno
and Mr. MacGuff.
Vanessa.
It's Vanessa, right?
Thanks for having me and my
irresponsible child over to your house.
Oh no. Thank you.
Come on in.
Can I take your coat or your hat?
Oh, yeah, sure, thanks.
Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by the way. Super classy.
Not like those people with fake woods in the background,
Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?
You found us in the Penny Saver?
Hi. Mark Loring. Im the husband.
- How you doing? Mac McGuff.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.
Gerta Rauss.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
And this, of course, is Juno.
Like the city in Alaska.
No.
No?
Hon?
Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
I thought I'd get some drinks.
What would anyone like?
I have Pellegrino or Vitamin Water or orange juice.
A Makers Mark, please. Up.
Shes kidding.
Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor,
just one of her many genetic gifts.
I see.
So, Juno. First off, how far along are you?
Im a junior.
No, I mean in your pregnancy.
Oh. Uh, actually my stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor
and they said I was twelve weeks.
Oh, thats marvelous.
So youre into your second trimester?
Yeah, apparently.
Im due on May 4.
Great.
My girlfriends tell me the first couple
months are the hardest.
I didn't notice it at all.
Im more concerned about when they have to
put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.
I think pregnancy is beautiful.
Well, youre lucky its not you.
So, lets talk how were gonna do this...thing.
Well, don't I just have the thing?
Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Mark and Vanessa are willing to
negotiate an open adoption.
What does that mean?
It means theyd send annual updates, photos,
let Juno know how the baby is doing as he or she grows up.
Whoah. I dont want photos or any kind
of notification.
Cant we just kick this old school? I stick the baby
in a basket and send it your way. Like Moses in the reeds.
Technically, that would be kickin it Old Testament.
Exactly! Right?
Do you know what I mean?
Like in the good old days.
When it was quick and dirty.
Well, then we all agree a traditional closed adoption
would be best for all involved?
Shit, yes, just close her on up.
Obviously, we would compensate you for
all your medical expenses.
Are you looking for any other
type of compensation?
Excuse me?
No.
No, I don't want to sell the thing, I just ...
... I want ...
... I just want the baby to be with people
who are gonna love it,
And be good parents, you know?
Im in high school.
Im ill-equipped.
Youre doing a beautiful and a
selfless thing for us.
Vanessa has wanted a baby ever since we
got married.
I want to be a mommy so badly!
You dont say.
Have you ever felt like
you were just born to do something?
Yes.
Heating and air conditioning.
There you go.
I was born to be a mother.
Some of us are.
How about you, Mark,
are you looking forward to being a dad?
Betcha, yeah.
Every guy wants to be a father.
Wants to coach the soccer team and
help out with the science fair and the
volcano goes off.
Yeah, all that.
Maybe Gerta could take us through the
preliminary documents that you have drawn up.
Could I use the facilities first? Being pregnant
makes me pee like Seabiscuit.
The downstairs bathroom is being re-tiled, but if you go
upstairs, then to the right ...
Oh yeah! Room with the toilet.
Is she alright?
Sorry.
Sorry, I didnt expect to see you up here.
I just came up to get something.
Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?
No.
Do we come off as
paranoid yuppies or something?
I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.
Really?
It's Clinique Happy.
Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!
Is that supposed to make me feel happy?
You should feel happy, Holmes.
Im giving you and Vanessa the gift of life.
Sweet, screaming, pooping life!
And you dont even have to be there when it
comes out all covered in ...
Viscera?
Blood and guts.
Is that a Les Paul?
Yes, it is.
Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
She gave you your own room in your
whole house for your stuff?
Shes got you on a long leash there, Mark.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know? I always loved
Gibson way more than Fender.
What do you play?
I rock a Harmony.
So is it mahagony?
What happens if you crack the neck?
Tell me about it. I used to play in this really tight band
when I lived in Chicago and one night we opened up
for the Melvins and I busted that thing right on stage
and it cost me $800 just to get it fixed.
When was that?
93. Best time for rock and roll.
Nuh-uh, '77! Punk Volume #1.
You're crazy.
You werent there,
You couldn't understand the magic.
You werent even alive!
Whats that?
It's a Pilates machine.
What do you make with it?
You dont make anything. Its for
exercising.
My wife ordered one of those
Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.
You know, from the guy with the ponytail?
That guy just doesnt look right to me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
You're playing music?
Juno wanted a little closer look at
Kimber.
Your guitar is named Kimber?
Yeah.
Thats cool. My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin,
not Ted. He was the hot one with polio.
Gerta is downstairs, we still have
a lot of stuff to go over.
I got it.
Not to interrupt the jam session.
So, just look these over and if you have any questions,
call me at my office.
We would really appreciate it if you would just keep us
updated on any doctors appointments,
Ultrasounds,
anything of that nature.
For sure. You want to
know how your kid is cooking, I get it.
You think youre really
going to do this, then?
Yeah. I like you guys.
How sure would you say you are?
Would you say youre 80% sure, 90% sure?
Im going to say Im about 104% sure.
Really?
Seriously, if I could just have the thing and
give it to you now, I totally would,
But I'm guessing it looks probably like a
Sea Monkey right now,
And we should let it get a little cuter, right?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Keep it in the oven.
I think that's a great idea.
Nice to meet you both.
Please, drive carefully.
Hopefully we'll hear from you soon.
- Take care.
- Buh bye.
Hey, man.
Hey, Vijay.
Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?
Yeah.
- Like our moms and teachers!
- Yeah.
Did you hear its yours?
Yup.
What a trip, man.
I dont really know too much about it.
You should grow a moustache.
I cant.
Me neither.
But Im going to stop wearing underpants.
Raise my sperm count.
Juno, hey.
Hey, Bleek.
Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies after
school and we're gonna donut that flick
with the guy who has eighteen kids.
Do you want to come?
Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.
Oh, really?
Can I ...
... Should I come?
Oh, you can't waste those donut balls,
But maybe I could drop by later.
Okay, cool.
- Later, Bleek.
- See ya.
I'll save you a seat.
There's your baby.
Oh, my God.
There's a hand.
And an arm.
And there's the feet.
Would you look at that?
Check out Baby Big-Head. Dude, that
thing is freaky looking!
Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.
All youve got in your stomach is Taco Bell!
It's amazing that there's actually saps that
cry at this.
What? I'm not made of stone.
Well, there you have it.
Would you like to know the sex?
- Yes.
- No.
- Please, Junebug?
- No sex.
Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and if
you told me, I'll just ruin everything.
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
No, theyre the adoptive parents.
Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.
Whats that supposed to mean?
I just see a lot of teenage mothers
come through here.
Its obviously a poisonous environment
to raise a baby in.
How do you know that Im so poisonous?
What if these adoptive parents
turn out to be evil molesters?
Or like stage parents.
They could be utterly negligent.
Maybe theyll do a far shittier job
of raising a kid than my dumbass stepdaughter
ever would. Have you considered that?
No, I guess not.
What is your job title, exactly?
Im an ultrasound technician, maam.
Well Im a nail technician, and I think we both
ought to stick to what we know.
Excuse me?
You think youre so special because you get to play
Picture Pages up there?
My five year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you,
she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.
So why dont you go back to night school in Manteno
and learn a real trade!
Bren, yous a dick!
I love it.
Juno? Wow, I didnt expect to see you here.
I have something really cool to
show you guys. Is Vanessa here?
No, actually shes working late tonight.
Shes trying to accrue as much
time off as she can before ...
Oh right. I hear these are quite the time-suck.
Wanna come in? I was just having a Ginseng Cooler.
Would you like one?
What is it with you rich people and your
herb-infused juices?
It's probably got something to do with those
forty four-packs they come in.
Theyre not bad, though.
Why arent you at work?
I work mostly from home. Im a composer.
No shit.
Like Johannes Brahms?
No, more commercial stuff.
Like what?
Commercials.
Have you seen the ads for the
Titanium Power mens deodorant?
Paid for this kitchen.
Youre quite the sellout, Mark.
What would the Melvins say?
Did you say you had something to show me.
Behold, good sir! Your future child.
Hey, look at that.
I think it looks like my friend Paulie.
Is he also bald and amorphous?
No, hes the dad.
Can you tell if its a boy or a girl?
I can't, the doctor can.
But I kind of want it to be a surprise.
Well, it can only go one of two ways.
Thats what you think. I drink tons of booze so you might
end up with one of those scary neuter-babies thats born without junk.
Junk, huh?
You know, its parts.
I know what junk is.
Yeah, right.
We definitely want it to have some junk, please.
Well, you dont need to worry about a thing.
My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy.
I can't stand in front of the microwave
and no red M&Ms.
I hope you're ready.
Ooh... do you hear that?
What?
This is my favorite song. Its Sonic Youth doing
"Superstar" by the Carpenters.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.
Chick drummer, freaky dude. Not
unlike the White Stripes.
You havent heard the Carpenters like this. Just listen.
Yeah, I like this.
What did you say your favorite band was?
Didnt. Its a three-way tie between the Stooges,
Patti Smith and the Runaways.
I definitely need to make you some CDs.
At least while my kid's in there.
The Wizard of Gore?
That is Herschel Gordon Lewis.
Hes the ultimate master of horror.
Please. Dario Argento is so the ultimate
master of horror.
Argento?
He's alright, but Lewis is
completely dimented.
Were talking buckets of goo. Red corn syrup
all over the place. Fake brains coming out the yin-yang.
Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.
Give me the tape.
This is even better than Suspiria.
What'd I tell ya?
You have decent taste in slasher movies.
Heres to dovetailing interests.
Have you guys thought of
any names for the baby yet?
Sort of, yes. Vanessa likes
Madison for a girl.
Madison?
Isn't that a little, gay?
Well, pretentious much? Should everyone just have a
mysterious name like Juno?
My dad went through this huge obsession with
Roman and Greek mythology.
He decided to name me after Zeuss wife,
Zeus had tons of lays, but Im pretty sure
Juno was his only wife.
She was supposed to be really beautiful but
really mean. Like Diana Ross.
That suits you.
Thanks?
Youre something else.
Vanessa. You'd better go.
She hates when I sit around watching movies
and I don't contribute.
Ill handle this. Im really good
at diffusing mom-type rage.
No, Juno, no.
Juno, what's going on?
- Nothing.
- What are you doing here? What's wrong?
Nothing, I went to the doctor today.
Is there something wrong with the baby?
The baby is great. Its the right size and everything.
I even saw its phalanges today!
Here.
It's the baby.
It's your baby.
It kinda looks like its waving.
Like its saying "Hey, Vanessa.
Will you be my mom?"
Yeah, it kind of does.
Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us today.
I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo
off my pelvis.
It was crazy actually,
My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound tech
so we got escorted off the premises.
Wow, what kind of swag did you score?
Mall madness, huh?
Its just some stuff I picked up for the baby.
Don't you usually get all that
stuff at a baby shower?
When my stepmom was pregnant with my little sister
she got a million gifts.
But I wasn't jealous 'cause they all were super lame.
I doubt anyones gonna throw us a shower.
Why wouldn't they throw you a baby shower?
I don't think people know how to feel about this
situation because its not set in stone.
What isn't set ...
You don't think Im going to flake out on you?
No, I dont, Juno.
We went through a situation before
where it didnt work out.
Cold feet.
You should have gone to China.
I hear they give away babies like free iPods.
They put em in those T-shirt guns
and shoot them out at sporting events.
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Naah. Im already pregnant,
so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
I should probably bounce.
Hey, dont forget your bag.
Ah, bag!
Okay, take care.
Where the hell have you been, Junebug?
I just drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.
I ended up staying for a couple of hours.
A couple of hours? Why are you
going over there in the first place?
They wanted to know about this stuff.
I said I'd keep them updated, so I did!
You could have mailed it to them.
Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus, Nowhere?
I dont know, I just did.
And while Mark and I were waiting for Vanessa,
we watched The Wizard of Gore,
And he burned me a couple of CDs of this weird music.
Hes kind of cool.
Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.
No, it was not a big deal.
He was totally cool with it.
You don't understand.
Mark is a married man, there are boundaries.
Oh, come on.
Listen,
Bren-duhhh.
Youre acting like youre the one who has to go through this
and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.
What does it even matter if hes married?
I can have friends that are married.
It doesnt work that way, kiddo.
You dont know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
You dont know anything about me!
I know enough.
We don't even have a dog!
Yeah, because youre allergic to their saliva.
I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno.
But in a couple years when you move out
Im going to get Weimaraners.
Wow, dream big!
Oh, go fly a kite.
Hi, Juno.
What can I do for you?
Bleeker home?
Bleekers mom was possibly attractive once.
But now she looks a hobbit.
You know, the fat one that was in The Goonies.
Hey, man,
Dont concentrate so hard.
I think I can smell your hair all burning.
Hey, whats up?
Not much, I just wanted to come say hey.
I miss hanging out with you on school nights.
Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleekers one and only vice.
The day I got pregnant,
his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.
You seem to be getting ...
... pregnant-er these days.
Ya know, I set up this whole
private adoption ...
... and this married couple in Saint Cloud
are going to be the parents.
Really?
What are they like?
The guy, he's awesome.
His name is Mark and
he likes old horror movies and he plays the guitar.
We actually hung out this afternoon.
Is that normal?
Probably not, but ...
I talked to dad and Bren and they said they wouldn't
narc you out to your folks,
So,
I think we should be cool.
That's a relief.
Im gonna start looking
like a pretty big dork soon.
Will you still think Im cute when Im huge?
I always think youre cute.
I think youre beautiful.
Jeez, Bleek.
I do.
Hey Junebug, when this is all over we should get
the band back together.
Yeah.
That would be awesome.
Once Tino gets a new drumhead
we're just, like, ready to rock.
We could always get back together too.
That's an option.
Were we together?
Yeah, we were once.
That time.
What about Katrina De Voort?
You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
I dont like Katrina.
She smells like soup.
Her whole house smells of soup.
Okay.
So we have Custard, Cheesecake.
They're yellow.
I wanted to pick something that was gender-neutral
until we get the baby and then we can add a more decisive palette.
Why does everyone think yellow is gender-neutral?
I dont know any guy with a yellow bedroom.
I'm thinking more Custard with this light.
I dont know. Maybe I should paint a larger swatch ...
Or you could wait a few more months.
Its not like the babys going to storm in here
demanding dessert-colored walls.
"What to Expect" says that readying the babys room
is an important process for the woman.
Especially if you're adopting.
Its called "nesting."
Nesting?
Are you going to build the crib
out of sticks and spit?
You should read the book. I
flagged the "daddy chapters" for you.
I think its too early to paint.
Thats my opinion.
I disagree.
This wall is going to need something.
Our first family photo right in the middle.
Right up there.
Can you see it?
Yum! This pretzel tastes like a friggin donut!
Share the love, sweetness!
You can't have any.
She's assaulting me!
Shes denying me fresh-baked goodness!
Oh, my God.
Thats her. Thats Vanessa Loring.
Of the Penny Saver Lorings?
Dude, she's, like, really pretty.
You sound totally shocked or something.
Shes totally gonna steal that kid for her collection.
Right, seriously.
Boring!
I could so go for a huge cookie right now
with like, a lamb kebab, simultaneously.
God, Spermy. Must you always feed?
It's like, never-ending for you.
Juno!
Hi, Vanessa!
What brings you to the mall today?
I was just shopping with my girlfriends.
You're gay?
No.
Just ignore her.
Well, how are you feeling?
Great! Everything's stupendous.
Oh, coming in on that snooze button.
Thats incredible.
Oh, God.
What?
Kicking away.
Could I feel it?
Are you kidding?
At school everyone's just grabbing my belly all the time.
Im a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.
I cant feel anything.
Its not moving for me.
You should try talking to it. They can hear you,
even though it's all ten thousand leagues under the sea.
Hi, baby.
Its me. It's Vanessa.
I cant wait to meet you.
Can you hear me, baby?
Sweet angel?
I felt it!
That was magical.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello?
Hey!
So, Ive been listening to
that really weird CD that you made me.
Yeah? Whats the verdict?
Well, its cute.
It's cute?
When youre used to listening to the raw power
of Iggy and the Stooges,
everything else just sounds kind of precious
in comparison.
I imagine you have a collection of
punk chestnuts to prove your point.
Well ...
... consider it your musical education.
I can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.
Stop surfing porn and get back to work.
Just wanted to call and say hi.
Go learn something.
- Oh, a little trip down Mexico way.
- And Greece and China apparently.
How many months has it been now?
You're getting huge.
It's homing in on the eight.
You should see how weird I look naked.
I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Trust me, you dont. I have to actually
wear a friggin' bra now
and rub all this nasty cocoa butter stuff
on myself so my skin won't explode.
Hot!
Why is everyone always staring at me?
Well, you are kind of convex, you know?
Whoah! Who's been doing
their geometry homework for once!
I have no choice. Keith has been
grading me so hard lately.
Do not call Mr. Conyers "Keith".
'Cause my barf reflex is
really enheightened these days.
But Keiths hot.
Eww, hes all beardy!
Did you hear that Bleek is going to the prom
with Katrina De Voort?
Katrina?
No way, he doesnt like Katrina.
Must be like a pity date or something.
I heard he asked her and that the're going to Benihana,
and then prom, and then Vijays parents cabin.
He told me that Katrinas house smells like soup!
Oh my God, it totally does.
I was there four years ago for her birthday party and it
was like Lipton Landing.
But you know, boys have endured
way worse things for nookie.
Oh, please.
There is no way that theyre having sex,
They wouldn't even be holding hands.
I wouldnt be so sure,
he did it with you.
Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me.
Were best friends.
Are you jealous?
I thought you said you didnt care what he did.
Not jealous, dont care.
I know Bleek doesnt like Katrina and he shouldn't
toy with her emotions like that. She seems pretty nice.
Uh-huh, Im really convinced.
Prom is for wenises, anyway.
As soon as youre old enough to go,
its so not cool anymore.
Are you honestly and truly going to the prom
with Katrina De Voort?
Uh, hi?
Leah just said that you were gonna go with her.
Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go.
A bunch of us from the team are going to Benihana,
then go the prom, then go to Vijays parents cabin.
Were getting a stretch limo.
Your mom must be pretty stoked that youre
not taking me.
Youre mad. Why are you mad?
Im not mad. Im in a great mood.
Despite the fact that Im in a fat suit I cant take
off, despite the fact that pretty much everyone is making
fun of me behind my back, despite the fact that your
girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Katrinas not my girlfriend! And I doubt
that she gave you the stinkeye.
That's just the way her face looks.
Just take Soupy Sales to prom, I can think of so
many cooler things to do that night.
I might pumice my feet or go to Brens Unitarian church,
maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice.
All those things would be exponentially cooler than
going to the prom with you.
Youre being really immature.
You have no reason to be mad at me. You broke my heart.
I should be royally ticked off at you.
I should be really cheesed off.
I shouldnt want to talk to you anymore.
Why? Because I got bored and had sex with you,
and then I didnt wanna, like, marry you?
Like Id marry you!
You'd be the meanest wife ever.
And I know that you werent bored that day
because there was a lot of stuff on TV. The Blair Witch
Project was coming on Starz, and you were like,
"I haven't seen this since it came out,
but we should make out instead. La la la."
You just take Katrina the Douche Packer to the prom.
Im sure you two will have a real bitchin time!
I still have your underwear.
I still have your virginity!
Would you shut up!
What? Are you ashamed that we did it?
- No.
- 'Cause at least
you dont have to have the
evidence under your sweater.
Im a planet!
Wait, let me get your bag.
Whats another ten pounds?
Hi.
Wow. That shirt's working hard.
Is Vanessa here?
No. We are safe.
I'm glad you're here, I actually have something for you.
Almost there.
Whoah, Mark! Is this the babys room? Its beautiful!
Hilarious.
This is where I keep all my old comics,
And I want to show you one.
Youre one of those guys?
Take a look.
Most Fruitful Yuki?
Is this a pregnant superhero?
Isnt that great?
I found it in Japan when I was there with my band.
It reminds me of you.
Hells, yeah!
This actually makes me feel way less of a fat dork.
Yuki is a real bad ass.
You should be very proud being in the same condition.
Thank you.
Oh, how about some tunage?
Alright, don't look, no matter what.
This one is actually kinda slow. But its
Mott the Hoople so its still totally rad and hardcore.
I know this one.
- You do?
- Yeah, this song is older than I am.
I danced to this at my senior prom.
Who'd you dance with?
Cynthia Vogel, great dance partner.
She let me put my hands all over her butt.
- Hot.
- Very hot.
I can just, totally, picture you dancing,
Like a total dork!
Her hands there,
And my hands down here.
This is how we did it in '88.
Like this?
Just like this.
Youve never been to a dance before?
Dances are for nerds and squares.
What are you?
I don't know.
I feel like theres something between us.
Im leaving Vanessa.
What?
Im getting a place in the city.
Its something Ive wanted to do for a long time.
No!
No?
No! You definitely can't do that.
Thats one big, fat sack of no!
What is the matter?
You guys are supposed to take care of this.
I thought you'd be cool with this.
I want things to be perfect. I don't want them
to be shitty and broken like everyone elses family.
Look, I'll have the baby, and Vanessa is
going to be so happy.
A baby is not going to fix everything.
Besides, I dont know if
Im even ready to be a father.
But youre old!
How do you think of me?
Why are you over here?
I ...
I just like being a piece of
furniture in your weird life.
This is what my life has become. I got stuff
in boxes. I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
- This is my fault.
- No.
Is Vanessa mad
at you because of me?
Thats got nothing to do with it.
Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
You were in love when
you married her!
If you're in love once, you can be in love again. My friend Leah has been with the same guy four different times.
Youre just not trying hard enough.
Im such an idiot. I cant believe
what an idiot I am.
No, you know what, Mark.
Do not divorce your wife!
Will you please just do me a solid and stay
with Vanessa?
Youre so young.
I'm not that young. Im sixteen. Im old enough to know
when someone's acting like a total a-hole!
Oh, and you know what,
I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks!
Its just noise!
Juno? Whats going on?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
Im not crying. Im just allergic to fine home furnishings.
Whats the matter?
Whats the matter?
Shes just a little hormonal. Right, Juno?
Its part of the process.
What did you do?
I didnt do anything ...
Just...
Ive been thinking.
- What?
- Just thinking if this is the right thing.
What are you talking about?
Just wondering if it's,
Just wondering if we're ready.
Yeah, we're ready.
Were ready. We've read the books, weve taken all the
classes. We have a nursery that is completely ...
Vanessa, I know were prepared.
I'm just wondering if ... Im ready.
Wait a minute.
Juno, dont listen to him.
He's just got cold feet.
He's just being a guy.
The books all say the same thing.
A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.
A man becomes a father when
he sees his baby.
Hes going to get there.
It just happened so fast. We put the ad in the paper
and I thought it was gonna take months if at all and then,
Two weeks later, shes on that couch.
She answered our prayers.
Ever since then its been like a ticking clock.
What are you saying?
That it feels a little like bad timing.
What would be a good time for you, Mark?
Theres just some things that
I still want to do.
Like what? Be a rock star?
Dont mock me.
I'm just saying that this is,
This is something that's never going to happen.
Your shirt is stupid.
Grow up.
If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain,
Im never going to be a mother.
I never said Id be a good father.
I called Gerta Rauss and she said that she can represent
both of us. It's called a "collaborative divorce."
Its all the rage right now, supposedly.
And it would be pretty easy because
we dont have any children.
Thanks for making the call, I guess.
Have you found a place to stay yet?
- Yeah, downtown.
- A hotel?
No, it's not a hotel.
Its a loft.
Arent you the cool guy?
I wanted a baby so bad.
I know.
- It looks like a bill from Jiffy-Lube.
- Its for me.
I never realize how much I like being home unless
Ive been somewhere really different for a while.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, big puffy version of Junebug.
Where have you been?
Dealing with things way beyond my
maturity level.
Where is everybody?
Bren took Liberty Bell to her
tot ice skating class.
When will you guys learn that tots cant ice skate?
You're looking a little morose, honey.
Whats eating you?
Im just, like, losing my faith with humanity.
Can you narrow that down for me?
I just ...
... wonder if ...
... two people can stay together for good.
You mean like couples?
Yeah, like,
People in love.
Are you having boy trouble 'cause I gotta be honest; I dont really much approve of you dating in your condition,
Thats kind of messed up.
No, dad!
I mean, thats pretty skanky.
Isnt that what you girls call it?
Skanky? Skeevy?
Please stop.
Tore up from the floor up?
That's not what it's about.
I just need to know that its possible that
two people can stay happy together forever.
Its not easy, thats for sure.
I don't have the best track
record in the world, I know, but,
I've been with your stepmother
for ten years now,
and Im proud to say that were very happy.
Look ...
... In my opinion ...
The best thing you can do is find a person
who loves you for exactly what you are.
Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty,
Handsome, what have you,
the right person is still gonna think
the sun shines out of your ass.
Thats the kind of person thats worth
sticking with.
Yeah.
I think I've found that person.
Yeah, sure you have. Your old D-A-D!
You know Ill always be there to love you, support you,
no matter what kind of pickle youre in.
Obviously.
Dad, I think i'm just gonna,
shove out for a sec, but,
I won't be home late.
Okay.
You were talking about me, right?
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Did you put like a hundred things
of tic tacs in my mailbox?
Oh, yeah, that was me.
Why?
Theyre your fave.
You can never have too many of your
favorite one-calorie breath mint.
Yeah, well thanks, I ...
... I think Im pretty much set until
college on the tic tac front.
You know, Bleek, I was thinking.
Im sorry I was such a huge bitch to you.
You don't deserve it.
Its okay.
Also,
I think Im in love with you.
What, you mean as friends?
No.
I mean, for real.
Because you're, like, the coolest person Ive ever met.
And you dont even have to try.
I try really hard, actually.
Youre, like, naturally smart.
You're not like everyone else.
You don't stare at my stomach all the time,
you look at my face.
And every time I see you,
the baby starts kicking super hard.
It does?
I think its because my heart
starts pounding everytime I see you.
Mine too.
Thats all I could ask for.
Youre golden, man.
Can we make out now?
Yeah.
You know, you can go into early
labor sucking face like that!
Dad!
What?
Dad, either I just peed my pants or ...
Or?
Thundercats are go!
All out, all out!
Do you have the admittance form?
What about the parking stickers?
Have you got Liberty Bell?
Oh, sweetie, sweetie!
Here we go.
Hurry! Start the car, go!
Gas!
- Wait, wait!
- Out of the way!
- Don't do that.
- What?
- That.
- But it's fun!
Bren, when do I get that friggin' Spinal Tap thing?
Its called a spinal block, and you cant have it yet, honey.
The doctor said youre not dilated enough.
Come on! I have to wait for it to get worse?
Why cant I just have the friggin' thing now?
Honey, doctors are sadists who like to
play God and watch lesser people scream.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me! Can we give my kid the damn
spinal tap already?
And then ...
... out of nowhere ...
... there it was ...
There he was.
I decided not to call Bleeker to
tell him that I was having the baby.
He had a big meet against Manteno and I didnt
want him to get all worried about me.
But he figured it out anyway.
Someday youll be back here, honey.
On your terms.
Hey.
Nice legs.
Bleeker decided he didnt want to see the baby.
Neither did I, really. He didnt feel like ours.
I think he was always hers.
Would you like to meet your son?
I have a son?
How do I look?
Like a new mom.
Scared shitless.
It ended with a chair.
As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.
He is the cheese to my macaroni.
I know people are supposed to fall in love
before they reproduce, but,
I guess normalcys not really our style.
Hey.
Hey.
Ready?
Yeah.
I've wanted this for a really long time.
I know.
Wizard.
Jeez Banana, shut your freakin' gob OK?
This is the most magnificent discarded
living room set Ive ever seen.
Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.
Back for another test?
I think the first one was defective,
The plus sign looks more like a division symbol,
so I remain unconvinced.
Third test today, Momma Bear,
your eggo's preggo, no doubt about it.
It's really easy to tell, is your
nipples real brown?
Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms,
knocked you up twice.
Silencio, old man. Look, I just drank
my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.
Well, you know where the lavatory is.
Pay for that pee stick when you're done.
Don't think it's yours just 'cause
you marked it with your urine.
What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle:
Minus or plus?
I don't know, it's not seasoned yet.
I'll take some of these.
There it is.
The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is
one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet.
Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.
I'm a suicide risk.
Juno?
No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any
bones that need collecting?
Only the one in my pants.
I'm pregnant.
What? Honest to blog?
Yeah, it's Bleeker's.
It's probably just a food baby,
did you have a big lunch?
This is not a food baby, I've taken three
pregnancy tests and I am fo' shiz up the spout.
How did you even generate enough pee for
three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.
I don't know, I drank like ten tons of SunnyD.
I'm telling you I'm pregnant and
you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Is this for real?
Like for real for real?
Unfortunately yes.
Oh, my God!
Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!
That was kind of the emotion that I was
searching for on the first take.
Are you going to Havenbrook or Women Now?
You need a note from your parents for Havenbrook.
Yeah, I know. No, I'm going to go to Women Now,
just 'cause they help out women now.
Do you want me to call for you?
Because I called for Becky last year.
No, I can call myself. Oh, but I do need your help
with something, it's like critically important.
You know, heavy lifting can really only
help you at this point.
Seriously.
So, you were bored? That's how
this blessed miracle came to be?
No, the act was premeditated. I mean, the sex,
not the whole "let's get pregnant" thing.
So, when did you decide that you were
gonna do Bleeker?
I don't know.
A year ago in Spanish class.
You love him.
It's actually really complicated, OK?
And I don't feel like talking about it
in my fragile state.
So what was it like?
Humping Bleek's bony bod?
Magnificent.
Hey, Bleek.
Wicked tiger.
It looks proud.
I swiped it from Ms. Rancick's lawn.
Wow, your shorts are like
especially gold today.
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Go Carole.
I'll tell her.
When I see them all running like that,
with their things bouncing around in their shorts,
I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to,
all I see is pork swords.
I'm supposed to be running.
So guess what.
What? I don't know.
I'm pregnant.
What should we do?
Oh, you know, I was thinking I'd just nip it
in the bud before it gets worse.
Because they were talking about it in health class,
how pregnancy can often lead to an infant.
Typically, yeah, yeah.
That's what happens when
our moms and teachers get pregnant.
So, you're cool with that then?
Yeah, yeah, wizard. You know,
do whatever you think you should do, you know?
Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you,
I know it wasn't your idea.
Whose idea was it?
I'll see you at school , alright?
Whose idea was it?
Hey, your book fell apart.
Right.
It must have looked at your face.
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo
secretly wants me.
Jocks like him
always want freaky girls.
Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan
footwear and Goth makeup.
Girls who play the cello and read McSweeney's
and want to be childrens librarians when they grow up.
Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.
They just wont admit it, because theyre
supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders you know,
Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.
Me too, I love Woody Allen!
Alright people.
We're doing chromatography lab today,
so find your partners and break into groups of four.
Well, there's nothing like experimenting.
I did the prep questions for this lab last night,
so you can just copy my answers if you want.
I couldnt copy your work.
You copy my work every week.
True, I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, aren't I?
No, no, I don't mind.
I think you definitely bring something to the table.
Charisma.
Who's ready for some chromamagnificence?
I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't
really look at bright lights today.
Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary
and lie down. You never listen.
No, Josh, because I don't take orders.
Not from you and not from any man.
You know, you've been acting like this ever since
I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato.
I already told you, nothing happened.
Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.
Juno, do you want to plug in the Bunsen burner?
It's my pleasure.
Im going to the infirmary.
Good. Call me when you get off the rag.
Fine, call me when you learn how to love someone,
instead of cheating at your brother's college,
Just because you've had four Smirnoff Ices and
a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boones!
Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that,
I'll make a note of it.
I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor
is the best flavor of Boone's.
Isn't that right, Bleek?
Oprimo numero dos.
Yeah, I'm just calling to
procure a hasty abortion.
What?
Can you just hold on for a second,
I'm on my hamburger phone.
Okay, now I can,
Yeah, it's really awkward to talk on.
Yeah, I need an abortion.
Sixteen.
I'm gonna say it's been about two months and
four days since the sex,
Mind you, that's just like a guestimation.
Sorry, how long have I been what?
Oh, I hate it when adults use the term
"sexually active".
What does it even mean?
Can I deactivate someday, or is this a
permanent state of being?
I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it,
I guess thats why he got that look on his face.
You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.
I had to get out my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.
My dad used to be in the Army, but
now hes just your average HVAC specialist.
He and my mom got divorced when I was five,
She lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona
with her new husband and three replacement kids.
Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus
every Valentines Day.
And Im like, Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly. This
cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.
Thats my stepmom, Bren,
she's completely obsessed with dogs.
Owns a nail salon and always smells
like methylmethacrylate.
So Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved
an entire living room set from one lawn to the other,
or the one where I downed a sixty-four
ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?
Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?
Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door,
the one I got up in Stillwater?
There was some blue shit,
I mean, gunk, stuff in there this morning.
I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.
I mean, maybe L.B. did it.
Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato,
Im gonna kick your little monkey butt.
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
Hey Su-Chin.
Hi, Juno.
How are you?
You know, pretty solid.
So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?
No, not yet.
I tried to work on it a little last night,
but Im having trouble concentrating.
I'll sell you some of my Adderall.
No thanks, I'm off pills.
That's a wise choice 'cause I knew this girl,
she had this crazy freakout.
She took too many behavioral meds at once and she
ripped off her clothes
and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall like,
Blaaaaah! Im a kraken from the sea!
I heard that was you.
It was good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know?
It can feel pain,
And it has fingernails.
Fingernails? Really?
Welcome to Women Now, where
women are trusted friends.
Please put your hands where I can see them
and surrender any bombs.
Hey, Im here for the big show.
Your name, please?
Juno MacGuff.
She thinks Im using a fake name.
Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.
I need you to fill these out, both sides.
We need to know about every score and every sore.
Would you like a free condom?
Theyre boysenberry.
No, Im off sex.
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.
They make his jocks smell like pie.
All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!
God appreciates your miracle!
Dude, what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to come get you at four.
I couldnt do it, Leah!
It smelled like a dentist office in there,
And there were these horrible magazines
with water stains.
And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to give me
these condoms that looked like grape suckers,
and just babbling away about
her friggin' boyfriends pie balls.
Yum!
And Su-Chin was there, and she was like,
"Oh hi! Babies have fingernails."
Fingernails!
That's gruesome.
You think the baby can scratch your
vag on the way out?
Im staying pregnant, Leah.
Dude! You gotta keep your voice down, my mom is inside.
She doesnt know that were sexually active.
What does that even mean?
I've been thinking.
I was thinking that I could have this baby and
give it to someone who totally needs it.
You know, like a woman with a bum ovary or
a couple of nice lesbos.
But then youre gonna get huge and your
chest is gonna milktate.
- And you have to tell people that youre pregnant.
- But maybe theyll canonize me for being so selfless.
Maybe theyll totally shit and be really mad and not
let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break.
I was going to go to
Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.
You should look at adoption ads,
I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.
They have ads for parents?
Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to
terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment.
Its totally legit.
"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple
have found true love with each other."
"All thats missing is your bastard."
I want a parakeet.
Youre totally not even listening to me.
No, I heard you. I don't want to give the baby to a family
that describes themselves as "wholesome."
- Why?
- I want something a little more edgier.
- Okay, what did you have in mind exactly?
- I was thinking a graphic designer,
mid-thirties, with a cool Asian girlfriend who dresses
awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.
But I don't want to be too particular.
OK, how about this?
"Educated, successful couple seeking
infant to join our family of five."
"You will be compensated. Help us
complete the circle of love."
That sounds great.
They sound like a friggin' cult. Besides, they already
have three kids, they're greedy little bitches.
Oh, Juno! How about this one?
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,
And they were beautiful even in black and white.
Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?
No, I dont think so.
You ran eight miles today, Puppy.
Im not hungry, oddly.
But its breakfast for supper.
It's your favorite, Paul.
Yeah.
Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.
You know how I feel about her.
Youve mentioned it a couple times.
She is just ...
... different.
Yeah.
I 'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.
Hon, did you get expelled?
No. The school would most likely contact you
in the event of my expulsion.
Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.
Do you need a large amount of money?
Legal counsel?
No, Im not asking for anything.
Except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be
friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit
someone with the Previa?
No.
Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
But Im going to give it up for adoption.
I already found the perfect couple.
They're gonna pay for the
medical expenses and everything.
In thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this
never happened.
You're pregnant?
I'm sorry.
Im sorry.
And if it is any consolation,
I have heartburn thats
radiating down to my kneecaps
and I havent take a dump since Wednesday.
Morning!
I didnt even know you were sexually active!
Who is the kid?
The baby? I dont really know much about it.
It has fingernails, allegedly.
Nails? Really?
Yeah.
I mean, who is the father, Juno?
It's Paulie Bleeker.
Paulie Bleeker?
What?
I didnt think he had it in him!
I know, right?
Right, this is no laughing matter.
No, it's not.
And Paulie is actually great.
In chair.
You were thinking about adoption?
Yeah, theres this couple.
Theyve been trying to have a kid for five years.
We found them in the Penny Saver next to the
exotic birds.
They have a legitimate lawyer and I was
going to go meet with them next weekend.
Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do.
Probably tougher than you can understand right now.
I know ...
... It's just that Im not ready to be a mom.
Damn skippy, youre not!
You dont even remember to give
Liberty Bell her breathing meds.
That was once! And she did not die, if you recall!
Honey, had you considered, you
know, the alternative?
No.
Well, youre a little Viking!
First things first,
we have to get you healthy.
You need prenatal vitamins,
Incidentally, they do incredible
things for your nails, so thats a plus.
Oh, and we need to schedule a doctors appointment.
Figure out where youre going to deliver.
Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this adoption people.
Youre just a kid. I dont want you to get
ripped off by a couple of babystarved wingnuts.
Thanks, Dad.
I thought you were the kind of girl
who knew when to say when.
I don't really know what kind of girl I am.
Tell it to me straight, Bren.
Do you think this is my fault?
I think kids get bored and have intercourse.
And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
I am not ready to be a Pop-Pop.
Youre not going to be a Pop-Pop.
Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing
from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.
Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?
Yeah. But I was hoping she
was expelled or into hard drugs.
That was my first instinct too.
Or D.W.I. Anything but this.
And Im going to punch that Bleeker kid in
the weiner the next time I see him.
Mac, no.
You know it wasnt his idea.
Hi! Im Vanessa. You must be Juno
and Mr. MacGuff.
Vanessa.
It's Vanessa, right?
Thanks for having me and my
irresponsible child over to your house.
Oh no. Thank you.
Come on in.
Can I take your coat or your hat?
Oh, yeah, sure, thanks.
Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by the way. Super classy.
Not like those people with fake woods in the background,
Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?
You found us in the Penny Saver?
Hi. Mark Loring. Im the husband.
- How you doing? Mac McGuff.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.
Gerta Rauss.
Hi, pleased to meet you.
And this, of course, is Juno.
Like the city in Alaska.
No.
No?
Hon?
Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
I thought I'd get some drinks.
What would anyone like?
I have Pellegrino or Vitamin Water or orange juice.
A Makers Mark, please. Up.
Shes kidding.
Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor,
just one of her many genetic gifts.
I see.
So, Juno. First off, how far along are you?
Im a junior.
No, I mean in your pregnancy.
Oh. Uh, actually my stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor
and they said I was twelve weeks.
Oh, thats marvelous.
So youre into your second trimester?
Yeah, apparently.
Im due on May 4.
Great.
My girlfriends tell me the first couple
months are the hardest.
I didn't notice it at all.
Im more concerned about when they have to
put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.
I think pregnancy is beautiful.
Well, youre lucky its not you.
So, lets talk how were gonna do this...thing.
Well, don't I just have the thing?
Squeeze it on out and hand it over?
Mark and Vanessa are willing to
negotiate an open adoption.
What does that mean?
It means theyd send annual updates, photos,
let Juno know how the baby is doing as he or she grows up.
Whoah. I dont want photos or any kind
of notification.
Cant we just kick this old school? I stick the baby
in a basket and send it your way. Like Moses in the reeds.
Technically, that would be kickin it Old Testament.
Exactly! Right?
Do you know what I mean?
Like in the good old days.
When it was quick and dirty.
Well, then we all agree a traditional closed adoption
would be best for all involved?
Shit, yes, just close her on up.
Obviously, we would compensate you for
all your medical expenses.
Are you looking for any other
type of compensation?
Excuse me?
No.
No, I don't want to sell the thing, I just ...
... I want ...
... I just want the baby to be with people
who are gonna love it,
And be good parents, you know?
Im in high school.
Im ill-equipped.
Youre doing a beautiful and a
selfless thing for us.
Vanessa has wanted a baby ever since we
got married.
I want to be a mommy so badly!
You dont say.
Have you ever felt like
you were just born to do something?
Yes.
Heating and air conditioning.
There you go.
I was born to be a mother.
Some of us are.
How about you, Mark,
are you looking forward to being a dad?
Betcha, yeah.
Every guy wants to be a father.
Wants to coach the soccer team and
help out with the science fair and the
volcano goes off.
Yeah, all that.
Maybe Gerta could take us through the
preliminary documents that you have drawn up.
Could I use the facilities first? Being pregnant
makes me pee like Seabiscuit.
The downstairs bathroom is being re-tiled, but if you go
upstairs, then to the right ...
Oh yeah! Room with the toilet.
Is she alright?
Sorry.
Sorry, I didnt expect to see you up here.
I just came up to get something.
Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?
No.
Do we come off as
paranoid yuppies or something?
I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.
Really?
It's Clinique Happy.
Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!
Is that supposed to make me feel happy?
You should feel happy, Holmes.
Im giving you and Vanessa the gift of life.
Sweet, screaming, pooping life!
And you dont even have to be there when it
comes out all covered in ...
Viscera?
Blood and guts.
Is that a Les Paul?
Yes, it is.
Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
She gave you your own room in your
whole house for your stuff?
Shes got you on a long leash there, Mark.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know? I always loved
Gibson way more than Fender.
What do you play?
I rock a Harmony.
So is it mahagony?
What happens if you crack the neck?
Tell me about it. I used to play in this really tight band
when I lived in Chicago and one night we opened up
for the Melvins and I busted that thing right on stage
and it cost me $800 just to get it fixed.
When was that?
93. Best time for rock and roll.
Nuh-uh, '77! Punk Volume #1.
You're crazy.
You werent there,
You couldn't understand the magic.
You werent even alive!
Whats that?
It's a Pilates machine.
What do you make with it?
You dont make anything. Its for
exercising.
My wife ordered one of those
Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.
You know, from the guy with the ponytail?
That guy just doesnt look right to me.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
You're playing music?
Juno wanted a little closer look at
Kimber.
Your guitar is named Kimber?
Yeah.
Thats cool. My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin,
not Ted. He was the hot one with polio.
Gerta is downstairs, we still have
a lot of stuff to go over.
I got it.
Not to interrupt the jam session.
So, just look these over and if you have any questions,
call me at my office.
We would really appreciate it if you would just keep us
updated on any doctors appointments,
Ultrasounds,
anything of that nature.
For sure. You want to
know how your kid is cooking, I get it.
You think youre really
going to do this, then?
Yeah. I like you guys.
How sure would you say you are?
Would you say youre 80% sure, 90% sure?
Im going to say Im about 104% sure.
Really?
Seriously, if I could just have the thing and
give it to you now, I totally would,
But I'm guessing it looks probably like a
Sea Monkey right now,
And we should let it get a little cuter, right?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Keep it in the oven.
I think that's a great idea.
Nice to meet you both.
Please, drive carefully.
Hopefully we'll hear from you soon.
- Take care.
- Buh bye.
Hey, man.
Hey, Vijay.
Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?
Yeah.
- Like our moms and teachers!
- Yeah.
Did you hear its yours?
Yup.
What a trip, man.
I dont really know too much about it.
You should grow a moustache.
I cant.
Me neither.
But Im going to stop wearing underpants.
Raise my sperm count.
Juno, hey.
Hey, Bleek.
Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies after
school and we're gonna donut that flick
with the guy who has eighteen kids.
Do you want to come?
Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.
Oh, really?
Can I ...
... Should I come?
Oh, you can't waste those donut balls,
But maybe I could drop by later.
Okay, cool.
- Later, Bleek.
- See ya.
I'll save you a seat.
There's your baby.
Oh, my God.
There's a hand.
And an arm.
And there's the feet.
Would you look at that?
Check out Baby Big-Head. Dude, that
thing is freaky looking!
Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.
All youve got in your stomach is Taco Bell!
It's amazing that there's actually saps that
cry at this.
What? I'm not made of stone.
Well, there you have it.
Would you like to know the sex?
- Yes.
- No.
- Please, Junebug?
- No sex.
Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and if
you told me, I'll just ruin everything.
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
No, theyre the adoptive parents.
Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.
Whats that supposed to mean?
I just see a lot of teenage mothers
come through here.
Its obviously a poisonous environment
to raise a baby in.
How do you know that Im so poisonous?
What if these adoptive parents
turn out to be evil molesters?
Or like stage parents.
They could be utterly negligent.
Maybe theyll do a far shittier job
of raising a kid than my dumbass stepdaughter
ever would. Have you considered that?
No, I guess not.
What is your job title, exactly?
Im an ultrasound technician, maam.
Well Im a nail technician, and I think we both
ought to stick to what we know.
Excuse me?
You think youre so special because you get to play
Picture Pages up there?
My five year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you,
she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.
So why dont you go back to night school in Manteno
and learn a real trade!
Bren, yous a dick!
I love it.
Juno? Wow, I didnt expect to see you here.
I have something really cool to
show you guys. Is Vanessa here?
No, actually shes working late tonight.
Shes trying to accrue as much
time off as she can before ...
Oh right. I hear these are quite the time-suck.
Wanna come in? I was just having a Ginseng Cooler.
Would you like one?
What is it with you rich people and your
herb-infused juices?
It's probably got something to do with those
forty four-packs they come in.
Theyre not bad, though.
Why arent you at work?
I work mostly from home. Im a composer.
No shit.
Like Johannes Brahms?
No, more commercial stuff.
Like what?
Commercials.
Have you seen the ads for the
Titanium Power mens deodorant?
Paid for this kitchen.
Youre quite the sellout, Mark.
What would the Melvins say?
Did you say you had something to show me.
Behold, good sir! Your future child.
Hey, look at that.
I think it looks like my friend Paulie.
Is he also bald and amorphous?
No, hes the dad.
Can you tell if its a boy or a girl?
I can't, the doctor can.
But I kind of want it to be a surprise.
Well, it can only go one of two ways.
Thats what you think. I drink tons of booze so you might
end up with one of those scary neuter-babies thats born without junk.
Junk, huh?
You know, its parts.
I know what junk is.
Yeah, right.
We definitely want it to have some junk, please.
Well, you dont need to worry about a thing.
My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy.
I can't stand in front of the microwave
and no red M&Ms.
I hope you're ready.
Ooh... do you hear that?
What?
This is my favorite song. Its Sonic Youth doing
"Superstar" by the Carpenters.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.
Chick drummer, freaky dude. Not
unlike the White Stripes.
You havent heard the Carpenters like this. Just listen.
Yeah, I like this.
What did you say your favorite band was?
Didnt. Its a three-way tie between the Stooges,
Patti Smith and the Runaways.
I definitely need to make you some CDs.
At least while my kid's in there.
The Wizard of Gore?
That is Herschel Gordon Lewis.
Hes the ultimate master of horror.
Please. Dario Argento is so the ultimate
master of horror.
Argento?
He's alright, but Lewis is
completely dimented.
Were talking buckets of goo. Red corn syrup
all over the place. Fake brains coming out the yin-yang.
Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.
Give me the tape.
This is even better than Suspiria.
What'd I tell ya?
You have decent taste in slasher movies.
Heres to dovetailing interests.
Have you guys thought of
any names for the baby yet?
Sort of, yes. Vanessa likes
Madison for a girl.
Madison?
Isn't that a little, gay?
Well, pretentious much? Should everyone just have a
mysterious name like Juno?
My dad went through this huge obsession with
Roman and Greek mythology.
He decided to name me after Zeuss wife,
Zeus had tons of lays, but Im pretty sure
Juno was his only wife.
She was supposed to be really beautiful but
really mean. Like Diana Ross.
That suits you.
Thanks?
Youre something else.
Vanessa. You'd better go.
She hates when I sit around watching movies
and I don't contribute.
Ill handle this. Im really good
at diffusing mom-type rage.
No, Juno, no.
Juno, what's going on?
- Nothing.
- What are you doing here? What's wrong?
Nothing, I went to the doctor today.
Is there something wrong with the baby?
The baby is great. Its the right size and everything.
I even saw its phalanges today!
Here.
It's the baby.
It's your baby.
It kinda looks like its waving.
Like its saying "Hey, Vanessa.
Will you be my mom?"
Yeah, it kind of does.
Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us today.
I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo
off my pelvis.
It was crazy actually,
My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound tech
so we got escorted off the premises.
Wow, what kind of swag did you score?
Mall madness, huh?
Its just some stuff I picked up for the baby.
Don't you usually get all that
stuff at a baby shower?
When my stepmom was pregnant with my little sister
she got a million gifts.
But I wasn't jealous 'cause they all were super lame.
I doubt anyones gonna throw us a shower.
Why wouldn't they throw you a baby shower?
I don't think people know how to feel about this
situation because its not set in stone.
What isn't set ...
You don't think Im going to flake out on you?
No, I dont, Juno.
We went through a situation before
where it didnt work out.
Cold feet.
You should have gone to China.
I hear they give away babies like free iPods.
They put em in those T-shirt guns
and shoot them out at sporting events.
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Naah. Im already pregnant,
so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
I should probably bounce.
Hey, dont forget your bag.
Ah, bag!
Okay, take care.
Where the hell have you been, Junebug?
I just drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.
I ended up staying for a couple of hours.
A couple of hours? Why are you
going over there in the first place?
They wanted to know about this stuff.
I said I'd keep them updated, so I did!
You could have mailed it to them.
Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus, Nowhere?
I dont know, I just did.
And while Mark and I were waiting for Vanessa,
we watched The Wizard of Gore,
And he burned me a couple of CDs of this weird music.
Hes kind of cool.
Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.
No, it was not a big deal.
He was totally cool with it.
You don't understand.
Mark is a married man, there are boundaries.
Oh, come on.
Listen,
Bren-duhhh.
Youre acting like youre the one who has to go through this
and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.
What does it even matter if hes married?
I can have friends that are married.
It doesnt work that way, kiddo.
You dont know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
You dont know anything about me!
I know enough.
We don't even have a dog!
Yeah, because youre allergic to their saliva.
I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno.
But in a couple years when you move out
Im going to get Weimaraners.
Wow, dream big!
Oh, go fly a kite.
Hi, Juno.
What can I do for you?
Bleeker home?
Bleekers mom was possibly attractive once.
But now she looks a hobbit.
You know, the fat one that was in The Goonies.
Hey, man,
Dont concentrate so hard.
I think I can smell your hair all burning.
Hey, whats up?
Not much, I just wanted to come say hey.
I miss hanging out with you on school nights.
Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleekers one and only vice.
The day I got pregnant,
his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.
You seem to be getting ...
... pregnant-er these days.
Ya know, I set up this whole
private adoption ...
... and this married couple in Saint Cloud
are going to be the parents.
Really?
What are they like?
The guy, he's awesome.
His name is Mark and
he likes old horror movies and he plays the guitar.
We actually hung out this afternoon.
Is that normal?
Probably not, but ...
I talked to dad and Bren and they said they wouldn't
narc you out to your folks,
So,
I think we should be cool.
That's a relief.
Im gonna start looking
like a pretty big dork soon.
Will you still think Im cute when Im huge?
I always think youre cute.
I think youre beautiful.
Jeez, Bleek.
I do.
Hey Junebug, when this is all over we should get
the band back together.
Yeah.
That would be awesome.
Once Tino gets a new drumhead
we're just, like, ready to rock.
We could always get back together too.
That's an option.
Were we together?
Yeah, we were once.
That time.
What about Katrina De Voort?
You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
I dont like Katrina.
She smells like soup.
Her whole house smells of soup.
Okay.
So we have Custard, Cheesecake.
They're yellow.
I wanted to pick something that was gender-neutral
until we get the baby and then we can add a more decisive palette.
Why does everyone think yellow is gender-neutral?
I dont know any guy with a yellow bedroom.
I'm thinking more Custard with this light.
I dont know. Maybe I should paint a larger swatch ...
Or you could wait a few more months.
Its not like the babys going to storm in here
demanding dessert-colored walls.
"What to Expect" says that readying the babys room
is an important process for the woman.
Especially if you're adopting.
Its called "nesting."
Nesting?
Are you going to build the crib
out of sticks and spit?
You should read the book. I
flagged the "daddy chapters" for you.
I think its too early to paint.
Thats my opinion.
I disagree.
This wall is going to need something.
Our first family photo right in the middle.
Right up there.
Can you see it?
Yum! This pretzel tastes like a friggin donut!
Share the love, sweetness!
You can't have any.
She's assaulting me!
Shes denying me fresh-baked goodness!
Oh, my God.
Thats her. Thats Vanessa Loring.
Of the Penny Saver Lorings?
Dude, she's, like, really pretty.
You sound totally shocked or something.
Shes totally gonna steal that kid for her collection.
Right, seriously.
Boring!
I could so go for a huge cookie right now
with like, a lamb kebab, simultaneously.
God, Spermy. Must you always feed?
It's like, never-ending for you.
Juno!
Hi, Vanessa!
What brings you to the mall today?
I was just shopping with my girlfriends.
You're gay?
No.
Just ignore her.
Well, how are you feeling?
Great! Everything's stupendous.
Oh, coming in on that snooze button.
Thats incredible.
Oh, God.
What?
Kicking away.
Could I feel it?
Are you kidding?
At school everyone's just grabbing my belly all the time.
Im a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.
I cant feel anything.
Its not moving for me.
You should try talking to it. They can hear you,
even though it's all ten thousand leagues under the sea.
Hi, baby.
Its me. It's Vanessa.
I cant wait to meet you.
Can you hear me, baby?
Sweet angel?
I felt it!
That was magical.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello?
Hey!
So, Ive been listening to
that really weird CD that you made me.
Yeah? Whats the verdict?
Well, its cute.
It's cute?
When youre used to listening to the raw power
of Iggy and the Stooges,
everything else just sounds kind of precious
in comparison.
I imagine you have a collection of
punk chestnuts to prove your point.
Well ...
... consider it your musical education.
I can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.
Stop surfing porn and get back to work.
Just wanted to call and say hi.
Go learn something.
- Oh, a little trip down Mexico way.
- And Greece and China apparently.
How many months has it been now?
You're getting huge.
It's homing in on the eight.
You should see how weird I look naked.
I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Trust me, you dont. I have to actually
wear a friggin' bra now
and rub all this nasty cocoa butter stuff
on myself so my skin won't explode.
Hot!
Why is everyone always staring at me?
Well, you are kind of convex, you know?
Whoah! Who's been doing
their geometry homework for once!
I have no choice. Keith has been
grading me so hard lately.
Do not call Mr. Conyers "Keith".
'Cause my barf reflex is
really enheightened these days.
But Keiths hot.
Eww, hes all beardy!
Did you hear that Bleek is going to the prom
with Katrina De Voort?
Katrina?
No way, he doesnt like Katrina.
Must be like a pity date or something.
I heard he asked her and that the're going to Benihana,
and then prom, and then Vijays parents cabin.
He told me that Katrinas house smells like soup!
Oh my God, it totally does.
I was there four years ago for her birthday party and it
was like Lipton Landing.
But you know, boys have endured
way worse things for nookie.
Oh, please.
There is no way that theyre having sex,
They wouldn't even be holding hands.
I wouldnt be so sure,
he did it with you.
Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me.
Were best friends.
Are you jealous?
I thought you said you didnt care what he did.
Not jealous, dont care.
I know Bleek doesnt like Katrina and he shouldn't
toy with her emotions like that. She seems pretty nice.
Uh-huh, Im really convinced.
Prom is for wenises, anyway.
As soon as youre old enough to go,
its so not cool anymore.
Are you honestly and truly going to the prom
with Katrina De Voort?
Uh, hi?
Leah just said that you were gonna go with her.
Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go.
A bunch of us from the team are going to Benihana,
then go the prom, then go to Vijays parents cabin.
Were getting a stretch limo.
Your mom must be pretty stoked that youre
not taking me.
Youre mad. Why are you mad?
Im not mad. Im in a great mood.
Despite the fact that Im in a fat suit I cant take
off, despite the fact that pretty much everyone is making
fun of me behind my back, despite the fact that your
girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Katrinas not my girlfriend! And I doubt
that she gave you the stinkeye.
That's just the way her face looks.
Just take Soupy Sales to prom, I can think of so
many cooler things to do that night.
I might pumice my feet or go to Brens Unitarian church,
maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice.
All those things would be exponentially cooler than
going to the prom with you.
Youre being really immature.
You have no reason to be mad at me. You broke my heart.
I should be royally ticked off at you.
I should be really cheesed off.
I shouldnt want to talk to you anymore.
Why? Because I got bored and had sex with you,
and then I didnt wanna, like, marry you?
Like Id marry you!
You'd be the meanest wife ever.
And I know that you werent bored that day
because there was a lot of stuff on TV. The Blair Witch
Project was coming on Starz, and you were like,
"I haven't seen this since it came out,
but we should make out instead. La la la."
You just take Katrina the Douche Packer to the prom.
Im sure you two will have a real bitchin time!
I still have your underwear.
I still have your virginity!
Would you shut up!
What? Are you ashamed that we did it?
- No.
- 'Cause at least
you dont have to have the
evidence under your sweater.
Im a planet!
Wait, let me get your bag.
Whats another ten pounds?
Hi.
Wow. That shirt's working hard.
Is Vanessa here?
No. We are safe.
I'm glad you're here, I actually have something for you.
Almost there.
Whoah, Mark! Is this the babys room? Its beautiful!
Hilarious.
This is where I keep all my old comics,
And I want to show you one.
Youre one of those guys?
Take a look.
Most Fruitful Yuki?
Is this a pregnant superhero?
Isnt that great?
I found it in Japan when I was there with my band.
It reminds me of you.
Hells, yeah!
This actually makes me feel way less of a fat dork.
Yuki is a real bad ass.
You should be very proud being in the same condition.
Thank you.
Oh, how about some tunage?
Alright, don't look, no matter what.
This one is actually kinda slow. But its
Mott the Hoople so its still totally rad and hardcore.
I know this one.
- You do?
- Yeah, this song is older than I am.
I danced to this at my senior prom.
Who'd you dance with?
Cynthia Vogel, great dance partner.
She let me put my hands all over her butt.
- Hot.
- Very hot.
I can just, totally, picture you dancing,
Like a total dork!
Her hands there,
And my hands down here.
This is how we did it in '88.
Like this?
Just like this.
Youve never been to a dance before?
Dances are for nerds and squares.
What are you?
I don't know.
I feel like theres something between us.
Im leaving Vanessa.
What?
Im getting a place in the city.
Its something Ive wanted to do for a long time.
No!
No?
No! You definitely can't do that.
Thats one big, fat sack of no!
What is the matter?
You guys are supposed to take care of this.
I thought you'd be cool with this.
I want things to be perfect. I don't want them
to be shitty and broken like everyone elses family.
Look, I'll have the baby, and Vanessa is
going to be so happy.
A baby is not going to fix everything.
Besides, I dont know if
Im even ready to be a father.
But youre old!
How do you think of me?
Why are you over here?
I ...
I just like being a piece of
furniture in your weird life.
This is what my life has become. I got stuff
in boxes. I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
- This is my fault.
- No.
Is Vanessa mad
at you because of me?
Thats got nothing to do with it.
Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
You were in love when
you married her!
If you're in love once, you can be in love again. My friend Leah has been with the same guy four different times.
Youre just not trying hard enough.
Im such an idiot. I cant believe
what an idiot I am.
No, you know what, Mark.
Do not divorce your wife!
Will you please just do me a solid and stay
with Vanessa?
Youre so young.
I'm not that young. Im sixteen. Im old enough to know
when someone's acting like a total a-hole!
Oh, and you know what,
I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks!
Its just noise!
Juno? Whats going on?
Nothing.
Why are you crying?
Im not crying. Im just allergic to fine home furnishings.
Whats the matter?
Whats the matter?
Shes just a little hormonal. Right, Juno?
Its part of the process.
What did you do?
I didnt do anything ...
Just...
Ive been thinking.
- What?
- Just thinking if this is the right thing.
What are you talking about?
Just wondering if it's,
Just wondering if we're ready.
Yeah, we're ready.
Were ready. We've read the books, weve taken all the
classes. We have a nursery that is completely ...
Vanessa, I know were prepared.
I'm just wondering if ... Im ready.
Wait a minute.
Juno, dont listen to him.
He's just got cold feet.
He's just being a guy.
The books all say the same thing.
A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.
A man becomes a father when
he sees his baby.
Hes going to get there.
It just happened so fast. We put the ad in the paper
and I thought it was gonna take months if at all and then,
Two weeks later, shes on that couch.
She answered our prayers.
Ever since then its been like a ticking clock.
What are you saying?
That it feels a little like bad timing.
What would be a good time for you, Mark?
Theres just some things that
I still want to do.
Like what? Be a rock star?
Dont mock me.
I'm just saying that this is,
This is something that's never going to happen.
Your shirt is stupid.
Grow up.
If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain,
Im never going to be a mother.
I never said Id be a good father.
I called Gerta Rauss and she said that she can represent
both of us. It's called a "collaborative divorce."
Its all the rage right now, supposedly.
And it would be pretty easy because
we dont have any children.
Thanks for making the call, I guess.
Have you found a place to stay yet?
- Yeah, downtown.
- A hotel?
No, it's not a hotel.
Its a loft.
Arent you the cool guy?
I wanted a baby so bad.
I know.
- It looks like a bill from Jiffy-Lube.
- Its for me.
I never realize how much I like being home unless
Ive been somewhere really different for a while.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, big puffy version of Junebug.
Where have you been?
Dealing with things way beyond my
maturity level.
Where is everybody?
Bren took Liberty Bell to her
tot ice skating class.
When will you guys learn that tots cant ice skate?
You're looking a little morose, honey.
Whats eating you?
Im just, like, losing my faith with humanity.
Can you narrow that down for me?
I just ...
... wonder if ...
... two people can stay together for good.
You mean like couples?
Yeah, like,
People in love.
Are you having boy trouble 'cause I gotta be honest; I dont really much approve of you dating in your condition,
Thats kind of messed up.
No, dad!
I mean, thats pretty skanky.
Isnt that what you girls call it?
Skanky? Skeevy?
Please stop.
Tore up from the floor up?
That's not what it's about.
I just need to know that its possible that
two people can stay happy together forever.
Its not easy, thats for sure.
I don't have the best track
record in the world, I know, but,
I've been with your stepmother
for ten years now,
and Im proud to say that were very happy.
Look ...
... In my opinion ...
The best thing you can do is find a person
who loves you for exactly what you are.
Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty,
Handsome, what have you,
the right person is still gonna think
the sun shines out of your ass.
Thats the kind of person thats worth
sticking with.
Yeah.
I think I've found that person.
Yeah, sure you have. Your old D-A-D!
You know Ill always be there to love you, support you,
no matter what kind of pickle youre in.
Obviously.
Dad, I think i'm just gonna,
shove out for a sec, but,
I won't be home late.
Okay.
You were talking about me, right?
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Did you put like a hundred things
of tic tacs in my mailbox?
Oh, yeah, that was me.
Why?
Theyre your fave.
You can never have too many of your
favorite one-calorie breath mint.
Yeah, well thanks, I ...
... I think Im pretty much set until
college on the tic tac front.
You know, Bleek, I was thinking.
Im sorry I was such a huge bitch to you.
You don't deserve it.
Its okay.
Also,
I think Im in love with you.
What, you mean as friends?
No.
I mean, for real.
Because you're, like, the coolest person Ive ever met.
And you dont even have to try.
I try really hard, actually.
Youre, like, naturally smart.
You're not like everyone else.
You don't stare at my stomach all the time,
you look at my face.
And every time I see you,
the baby starts kicking super hard.
It does?
I think its because my heart
starts pounding everytime I see you.
Mine too.
Thats all I could ask for.
Youre golden, man.
Can we make out now?
Yeah.
You know, you can go into early
labor sucking face like that!
Dad!
What?
Dad, either I just peed my pants or ...
Or?
Thundercats are go!
All out, all out!
Do you have the admittance form?
What about the parking stickers?
Have you got Liberty Bell?
Oh, sweetie, sweetie!
Here we go.
Hurry! Start the car, go!
Gas!
- Wait, wait!
- Out of the way!
- Don't do that.
- What?
- That.
- But it's fun!
Bren, when do I get that friggin' Spinal Tap thing?
Its called a spinal block, and you cant have it yet, honey.
The doctor said youre not dilated enough.
Come on! I have to wait for it to get worse?
Why cant I just have the friggin' thing now?
Honey, doctors are sadists who like to
play God and watch lesser people scream.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me! Can we give my kid the damn
spinal tap already?
And then ...
... out of nowhere ...
... there it was ...
There he was.
I decided not to call Bleeker to
tell him that I was having the baby.
He had a big meet against Manteno and I didnt
want him to get all worried about me.
But he figured it out anyway.
Someday youll be back here, honey.
On your terms.
Hey.
Nice legs.
Bleeker decided he didnt want to see the baby.
Neither did I, really. He didnt feel like ours.
I think he was always hers.
Would you like to meet your son?
I have a son?
How do I look?
Like a new mom.
Scared shitless.
It ended with a chair.
As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.
He is the cheese to my macaroni.
I know people are supposed to fall in love
before they reproduce, but,
I guess normalcys not really our style.
Hey.
Hey.
Ready?
Yeah.