Just One of the Guys (1985) Movie Script
- Terry?
- Denise, why aren't you in Science?
They're showing a filmstrip,
everyone left. I have to talk to you.
- I'm really into this article.
- I know, but I need your advice...
...and you are my best friend,
and I tried to deal with it myself...
...and I'm really stressed out!
Three guys wanna take me out,
I'm not too thrilled by any of them...
...but think I should go in case I don't
have a real boyfriend by the prom.
- Okay, who are the guys?
- If I give you names, you cannot laugh.
I know, you have
the perfect college boyfriend.
- You think Kevin's perfect?
- He's a god, okay?
Can we talk about me now?
Where was I?
Bruce Shulman, Edward Zink
and Roger Gibbler.
- This is serious.
- I know.
All right, on a scale of lame to cute
who rates the least low?
They're all lame.
Put Roger in a rent-a-tux,
he might move up to semi-lame.
Okay, forget looks,
who's got the hottest car?
A Pinto, dad's Skylark
and a Schwinn.
Looks like you're gonna have
to skip the prom.
Hey. Hey, everybody.
Listen up! Hey.
A lot of you've been giving me
grief about this Sun-Tribune...
...journalism competition.
Well, I finally got
all of your submissions read.
Now, during my planning period...
...I picked the best two,
and then from those...
...and from those submitted by
your pals over at Sturgis-Wilder.
Thank you.
The Trib will pick one and award
somebody a summer internship.
Okay?
I'll post the names of the winners in
the trophy case after I finish my lunch.
Tuna salad on whole wheat.
A summer job at the Sun-Tribune,
think about it.
I'll think about that, you think about me
at the prom with a lizard.
- I think you're exaggerating.
- Hi, Denise!
Are you busy Saturday night?
Sorry.
Mr. Raymaker...
...Mr. Vino, the driver's ed. Teacher,
just ran over a dog.
Should I take a photographer?
No.
What's up, Terry?
- How's it going, Terry?
- Hi, guys.
Hi, guys.
Bye, guys.
- Am I invisible?
- They were in a hurry.
You are so hot.
Buddy, I just ate.
- Thanks for stopping by, Bud.
- Anytime, sis.
Our parents are gone for two weeks.
Know what that means?
Their king-size bed is empty.
Well, what do you think?
I think if you and I were
the last man and woman on Earth...
...the human race would die out.
You want time to think it over.
I understand.
I have two words for you,
slumber party.
We'll invite every girl you know:
Tall, short, loose, easy.
I'll be the bartender,
they can use my bedroom...
...they can use my body.
- I wanna help.
- You wanna molest my friends.
- Forget it.
- Why?
You'll have a party, and I'll...
- Oh, God.
- Does he do this at the dinner table?
Don't get me wrong,
it's not like I've never had sex before.
I've had lots of sex. It's just that now
I'd like to try it with a partner.
We really have to get back
to school.
Yes, we must get back.
Wanna make sure
my article's in the trophy case.
Yes, we really must get going.
You have to get going?
I'm 15 years old.
In two years, I reach the peak
of my sexual powers.
The clock is ticking,
I have to get jamming.
Can't you hear
what you're saying?
- Aren't you a little embarrassed?
- Nope, I'm horny.
Horny will kick embarrassment's ass
every time.
Budster, listen to me.
Don't you want your first time
to be with someone you love?
I guarantee you, I'll be in love.
There's Lisa Macadoo,
I hear she'll do anything with anybody.
She looks pretty cheap to me.
Me too.
I am so excited. You know this job
means, like, everything in life to me.
I know.
Work in the sports section.
That way we can interview
all the cute jocks.
You are gonna be so proud of me,
I'm gonna make such a great reporter.
- I'm not there.
- Why aren't you there?
Neal Perlow and Joseph Dreyer?!
And then I had Terry Griffith,
fourth period Civics.
Did you see what she's wearing?
The legs do not stop.
I say we flunk her,
keep her here for another year.
You better be careful,
you could lose your job.
It'd be worth it,
it's not that great a job.
- Terry.
- What's wrong with my article?
Well, there isn't anything
wrong with it, per se...
...it's just...
...not outstanding work.
- Well, I think it is.
What do you give me straight
A's for, my wardrobe?
I give you the A's because
of your hard work. And you write well.
But this contest,
it's a completely different ballgame.
When I read those articles,
I have to ask...
...does this person
have a nose for news?
Do they dig out
the most interesting angle?
So, what you're trying to tell me
is that the nutritional content...
...of our school lunches
isn't interesting.
Look, Terry,
I know that you're disappointed.
But I had to pick kids
who've got a real shot...
...at becoming
professional journalists.
I am going to be a reporter.
That's good.
I like that attitude.
But don't you think it would be nice
to have something to fall back on?
Like what?
Well, you're a pretty girl,
you could be a model.
Be a model?
Why, because a pretty girl
can't possibly have a brain?
- Look, what I meant was...
- I know what you meant!
This is a great article
and it belongs at the Sun-Tribune.
And you are so clueless to life,
it is really pathetic!
Terry, it's Mr. Wonderful.
Always when I'm busy.
- She's in the pool.
- What took you so long?
- I knew it was you.
- I keep forgetting how young you are.
What a waste of a sports car.
Listen, everything's gonna be
all right.
How'd this get in here?
- Why do you always tie double knots?
- Kevin, please, forget the knot.
What I need is a little sympathy.
I had my heart set
on that summer job.
Terry.
I know exactly how you feel.
Can I tell you a little story?
When I was a kid,
I was obsessed with being a fireman.
I used to set little fires in the back
yard, and I'd practice putting them out.
Then one day...
...when I was 12,
I learned I could never be a fireman.
Why, what happened?
I found out how much money
they make. Pitiful.
Don't you understand
that I don't care what reporters make?
I can't remember a time when there
was anything else I wanted to do.
And it's discouraging when Raymaker
tells me that I should become a model.
Hey, why not?
You're a knockout.
Besides, models make
some pretty nice bucks.
You don't think I can do it either.
Well, no, that's not exactly
what I said, exactly.
Yeah, well, it was close enough.
You know, it's lucky for you
I'm in love with you, I think...
...or I'd probably never
speak to you again.
I'd like to be alone, please.
Now? Can't you be alone
when your parents are home?
Since you haven't listened
to one word I've said...
...why don't you try reading my lips.
Goodbye, Kevin.
Would you rather spend the night
at the frat house?
- All men care about is sex!
- I resent that.
Big improvement, huh?
The room needed something.
Your room is why my life
is totally screwed up.
You guys think beautiful women are
nothing but decoration, total airheads.
Hey, not me.
These women
have my deepest respect.
For showing their boobs?
And for their minds.
It just so happens that Kim here
reads Vonnegut in her bubble bath.
And Luanne has dedicated
her centerfold...
...to help clean up toxic waste.
And the only reason Barbara does
her physics homework buck-naked...
...is because that library's hot.
Come on, Buddy, admit it...
...you would love to spend your entire
life just using women's bodies.
Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds.
I'd like a little time to reminisce.
Can't you think of anything
more profound than getting laid?
A blowjob?
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- This is the perfect end to my day.
I mean, it's as if women's lib
never existed.
Today's woman has the freedom to be
just as sick and perverted as us guys.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I mean, I write an excellent article,
and just because I'm cute...
...no one takes me seriously.
It's not fair!
And yet, somehow
you find the courage to go on living.
You got guts.
Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.
No, you don't.
The male body needs sex at all times.
It's a living hell.
I bet if a guy turned in the same article
it would be at the Sun-Tribune now.
Yeah, no kidding.
Hey, does Miss April
look straight?
What are the odds of this being
a homeless nymphomaniac?
- Is your sister home?
- Yeah.
Hey, Terry, you got company.
Terry?
Why am I brain damaged?
I just fooled my own brother.
Hey, I wasn't paying attention.
Now I am. Hello, Terry.
I think I can pull this off.
This morning I knew her.
I talked to her, she screamed at me...
...everything was great.
Now she's wearing my clothes.
- Who do you think you are, Tootsie?
- No.
Okay, Yentl,
what do you wanna be, a rabbi?
Just tell me what's wrong.
Really?
Okay, well...
Look how you're standing.
I mean, drop your hands.
Okay, now stick your hip in.
All right,
now move your feet apart.
Okay.
Guys take up space.
All right,
now you gotta look tougher.
Very crucial,
something every guy does...
...let me see you
scratch your balls.
Hey, come on, try it.
Wait a minute.
Watch the master.
Now first, there's your basic shift.
But that's not always enough.
Sometimes you've got to get inside,
dig a little, let some air in...
...move things around.
Yeah, well, maybe
my balls don't itch.
All balls itch, it's a fact.
Well, maybe this would help.
Not bad.
Shit, maybe I should try that.
Okay, let's see you walk.
Hold it!
Look, you got balls now, use them.
Say, baby, what's happening?
I'm a lean, mean sex machine,
and that be the way it is.
Say, baby, what's happening?
I'm a lean, mean sex machine...
...and that be the way it is.
I think you'll pass
as long as you don't move.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to take that article to
Sturgis-Wilder and submit it as a guy.
It makes perfect sense.
Got a problem, you get in drag.
You don't think I can do it,
do you?
No way.
But I'd love to see you try.
Hey, how you doing?
We'll talk more later.
There you go.
Keep lifting those weights.
Once you're into power-blitzing,
doing super-sets is like jerking off.
The key is to work out
every possible minute.
Like, say you don't have any weights.
You use freshmen.
I'm serious.
Excuse me!
This'll just take a minute.
Okay, get a good grip...
...bend your knees and lift.
One, two. One, two.
Hey, no pain, no gain.
This is great for the deltoids.
- Thanks, kid.
- Happy to help.
Who invited you?
I'm new here.
Just what we need, another pussy.
Strong as an ox,
and almost as smart.
Another good exercise for upper body
strength, the pussy toss for distance.
Hey, get off me!
Get off me right... Get off!
Watch the prickers.
Damn.
Great bunch of guys.
I see you met Greg Tolan.
He kind of runs the school.
I'm Rick Morehouse.
Try not to get us confused.
Willie, will you give us a synopsis
of Catcher in the Rye?
Catcher in the Rye, a novel
written by the earthling Salinger...
...that every adolescent Homo sapien
in America is forced to read...
You didn't read it, did you?
Our mission on your planet
is to study human behavioral patterns.
Last night, we simulated a daily
teenage ritual, homework avoidance.
We consumed large quantities
of fermented hops and were...
...transformed into degenerate
party animal head-bangers.
- Can I go to the restroom, please?
- Three minutes.
I don't care what galaxy
you two are from.
You've been pulling this routine
for three years.
You'll be here another year
if you don't straighten up.
I want that homework now.
The Earth woman seems so tense.
Irritable.
Too much coffee.
Not enough sex.
Just finished.
I care.
Low-budget
pud-sucking dick nose!
Way to go, big Ter.
Table pressing.
Good for strength and definition.
Full extension is very important.
No pain, no gain.
- Got you!
- Keep your face out of my locker.
- Coach Morrison?
- One moment, son.
Bowling, a great game.
The greatest.
But it's more than a game.
It's the ultimate challenge.
One man...
...one ball...
...ten pins.
- Ten frames too.
- Exactly!
See, coach, I just transferred here
from another school...
...so I don't have my gym clothes yet,
so I guess I'll just go to study hall.
Hold it!
Everyone dresses
for my gym class.
Everyone.
Great.
I have surprise jock inspections
three times a week.
A word to the wise:
Wear it.
Hey, yo, Mark,
throw me a towel, huh?
- Willie, I hate gym. I really hate gym.
- I really hate gym a lot.
I don't like the smell.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's spreading!
Have you ever seen anything
like this?
Never.
- Early shower squad!
- Get the new kid!
Get off me!
Get off me!
Everybody out! Fire!
Calm, collected!
Take only essential materials!
- Hey, get out of my way!
- There's a fire drill.
We have a saboteur
in our gym class!
A real scum.
A nimrod!
Whoever started that fire...
...is a human gutter ball.
A zero!
Sherbecoe, how many times
have I told you...
...no creatures in my gym class?
If I left him in the locker,
the alligators would eat him.
You get rid of it, or I'll get rid of it.
It's all right. It's okay. He's just
a little upset. Don't worry about it.
Sit. Sit. Stay. Good boy.
Good boy.
Okay, I'll be back soon for you.
I'll take Willie if you take Phil.
Okay, come on, guys.
Okay.
Shirts!
Skins!
Shirts!
Skins!
- All right, let's play some ball.
- Yeah.
Got a problem, son?
Stomach, shooting pains!
I ate in the cafeteria!
Come on, tough it out!
When life rolls you a 7-10 split,
what do you do?
Go to the nurse?
No! Hell, no! You aim for
that seven pin and let her rip!
All right. All right.
The rest of you pinheads play ball!
- This is good work.
- I knew it. Thanks, Mr. Mendosa.
But I can't send it
to the Sun-Tribune.
- What'd you say?
- Can't send it.
Your writing skills are fine,
but, man, this stuff is really boring.
You gotta grab the reader!
Goose them a little.
Right...
...goose them.
Just because you're a guy doesn't
mean you can't write with sensitivity...
...with feeling, with heart.
But you do show promise.
Look.
I'm not gonna choose the winners
until a week from Monday.
So think of something exciting.
Try again.
Yeah, well...
...thanks.
Terry, I hate
when you're depressed.
I mean, if you're this upset
over your life, I should be suicidal.
I mean, look what Kevin sent you!
I'd do anything to come home
and find roses.
Can we define
the word "anything"?
Maybe Raymaker was right
about my article.
But I know I can do better.
I'm just confused.
Of course you're confused,
you're wearing my underwear.
Terry, forget it.
Come back to Pearl.
So you got a bad haircut. You got
a great life and a fabulous boyfriend.
I can't give up.
And today was a disaster,
and I was a major geek...
...but they all thought I was a guy.
I was in the boys' locker room.
- You were?
- Yes.
- And they were?
- Yes.
Can I be your younger brother?
There's a story here.
I don't know what, but I've got until
a week from Monday to find it.
Hey, what about, "Girl Gets
in Locker Room, Turns Stupid"?
I can still win that job.
I'm gonna go to Sturgis-Wilder...
...and I'm gonna start making
any friends I can find.
What if Kevin finds out you were in
the boys' locker room?
Would Woodward and Bernstein
worry about their girlfriends?
No.
Anyway, Kevin will never find out.
Unless I tell him.
Which I would never do
as long as Denise cooperates.
Denise?
When pigs fly.
Never hurts to ask.
It's driving me crazy!
I looked everywhere!
I can't find the back of my earring.
What am I supposed to do,
walk around all day with one earring?
It's so punk.
All you gotta do is break
the eraser off a pencil...
...and use it to hold your earring.
It'll get you through the day.
Oh, thanks.
I have sisters.
We're in the cafeteria, everything
eats and is eaten by something.
Don't take it personally.
Remember when l...
Hi, I'm Terry Griffith.
Hi, I'm Harold "Reptile" Sherbecoe.
It's time to feed Snowball his lunch.
Oh, Snowball, he's cute.
Oh, that's not Snowball.
No, this is Snowball.
That's lunch.
They don't make snake chow.
- It was very nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too.
Want some company?
Want some company?
- Want some company?
- Yeah, sure.
I'm Terry Griffith.
I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
- Rick Morehouse.
- Oh, yeah, that's it.
Last time we met,
I was in some bushes.
Right, big fun being
the new kid, huh?
Are you new?
Two months ago.
Actually, I'm a professional new kid.
Seven schools in three years,
I really know how to register.
Excuse me?
Hi, thanks, it worked great.
He knew how to fix my earring.
That's because he's a little tulip.
You know Deborah Strowbridge?
Not really.
But I mean, she talked to you.
Deborah Strowbridge is perfection.
Well, it seems to me
like she's got a boyfriend.
Yeah, well, there's no accounting
for taste.
- So are you a senior?
- Yeah.
You going to college?
Well, I like music, and I'd like
to do something in that field...
...but I'm not sure
you have to go to school for it.
I dig music a lot too.
I like the Clash and Talking Heads
and Springsteen and Prince.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Listen to this.
Look, what a fox.
Dresses like Elvis Costello,
looks like the Karate Kid.
I'm gonna get him.
Severe intestinal disorder.
What's the matter,
you have a little tummy ache?
What are you, a pussy?
My doctor said that I should be okay
by a week from Monday...
...so I guess
I'll just go to study hall.
No, you won't.
I have a little job for you, son.
Here you go.
Hey, knock yourself out.
You look like
you could use two.
Dragon coming through,
watch your toes.
Come on, Fifi, don't dawdle.
Come on.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
Tulip.
Hi.
It's me.
Nice to see you.
Hi, I'm Sandy.
- Terry.
- I know.
That's an incredible tie.
Where did you get it?
- At a store.
- Bitchen.
I guess if you're new,
you don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah, well, I got one back home.
Long-distance relationship?
Good luck.
Yo, Rick, you want a ride home?
Sure.
Yeah, well, gotta go, Sandy,
so I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah, you will.
She's pretty nice.
Yeah, but I got this one rule.
I never go out with girls
who say "bitchen."
Pull up right here, this is fine.
Thanks for the ride.
Well, what are you doing now?
Nothing.
Did you want to come in?
Well, I was just gonna tune up my car
and maybe play a little football...
...but yeah, I got time.
Okay.
If my mom comes home from work
and asks you about my girlfriend...
...just so you know...
...her name is Alice and she looks
a lot like Chrissy Evert Lloyd.
I just don't want her to worry
about my social life.
Yeah, but Chris Evert Lloyd?
It was Wimbledon week.
You want a beer?
Yeah, I'll take a brewski.
So you don't really have a girlfriend?
You guessed it.
- What about the prom?
- What about it?
Well, you know, sounds all right.
"Passion in Paradise."
You're renting out that big surf place.
Don't you want to go?
Yeah, but it's kind of a romantic night.
I'd rather not go with my mom.
Well, did you ask anyone?
Well, you better get going.
- Who's your first choice?
- You ask a lot of questions.
Rick, we're rapping man-to-man
about chicks and shit like that.
You know, like, still a virgin?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Weren't you paying attention?
- Are you a virgin?
- No.
Have you slept with a lot of girls?
- No. Have you ever slept with a girl?
- Yeah.
- Well, all right, let's hear the story.
- It's no big deal.
Just after my dad died...
...this friend of my mom's,
I think she wanted to cheer me up.
She did.
Is that your room?
Wait a minute, don't go in there.
It's kind of messy.
This is different.
I'm kind of into James Brown.
I guess so.
Prince, Michael Jackson,
it all goes back to James Brown.
The godfather of soul.
Not to mention Mr. Humanitarian,
Mr. Dynamite...
...and the hardest-working man
in show business.
New York City, live,
the Apollo Theater, 1962.
This man was king.
- Well, let's hear some sounds.
- I don't think so.
- Stereo broken?
- No, it's just something I do by myself.
Well, when I hear James,
I have to dance.
You know, like James,
go crazy, I can't help it.
And I'm usually alone when I do it.
That's cool, man. I can respect that.
How about another brewski, okay?
Okay.
Budster, the refrigerator gives
new meaning to the word "empty."
Hey, don't worry about breakfast.
This stuff tastes great cold.
You agreed to do half the shopping
while Mom and Dad were gone.
Yeah, that's right, the second half.
I'll tell you what,
I'll do the dishes.
Thank you.
I can see myself.
I'll get it.
Hello?
Hey, yo, scumbag.
Hey, suck your own.
Eat me.
Hey, same to you, butt face.
Mom says hi.
Yo, Rick, how they hanging?
It's Terry.
I want you to wear something
really hip tomorrow.
We're gonna get you
a date for the prom.
Just do what I say.
Okay, yeah. Bye-bye.
Scumbag.
Shit, he hung up.
This is your idea of hip,
a guy who is into James Brown?
Could we please just forget
the whole thing?
Now, there is no reason
why you should miss that prom.
A girl would be crazy
to turn you down.
So come on, who is she?
Red sweater.
Cute shoes.
Go for it.
Just waltz right up there
and ask her out?
No, you gotta say something nice...
...like, how pretty her eyes are.
- Girls eat up that crap.
- Come on.
- Hi, Jeanine.
- Hi.
- I'm forgetting your name.
- Rick Morehouse.
You know, I sit right next to you
in Civics class.
You have beautiful eyes.
I'll bet.
Do you have a date for the prom?
Of course, it's next week, why?
Official prom committee survey,
thank you very much.
Terry.
This has got to be the one.
You know why?
Because I've asked everybody else.
No, because I've got this feeling.
True, I've had this feeling before,
but this time...
Beth, are you doing anything
prom night?
I'm going to the prom.
Saturday night.
- What about Saturday?
- I'm busy.
- Tonight?
- I'm busy.
- How about Sunday?
- I'm busy.
- How about any night in 1987?
- I'm busy.
I'm sorry.
How about yesterday?
Are you busy yesterday?
I think so,
but you can ask me out again.
- Hi, Terry.
- Oh, hey, Sandy.
Word's out your friend's
desperate for a date.
He would love my cousin, Jill.
She's cute.
- How cute?
- Extremely.
She's got, like, Joan Collins' eyes,
Christy Brinkley's teeth.
What about the rest of her?
Dynamite. Rick has to meet her.
How about if you and me and Rick and
Jill all meet up at the cave tonight?
We'll have a picnic.
Come on, we'll have fun.
This Jill better be some girl.
Buddy, can I borrow
your Army jacket?
What are you doing?
Just cleaning the house.
Budster, are you all right?
I am awesome.
Linda is on her way over.
Excuse me, Mr. Romance,
just out of curiosity...
...does this girl have any idea
she's coming over to light up your life?
Well, technically speaking, not really.
We'll probably start off
with some algebra...
...but once I turn on the charm,
she's mine.
Hand me that massage book, please.
Bud, why don't you take
the subtle approach?
Maybe hang a couple of salamis
from the ceiling.
At least my date is someone
of the opposite sex.
I'm just seeing Sandy for Rick.
For Rick, what happened to research?
Well, that's what I meant.
So for research, you're willing to toy
with this poor girl's emotions?
All you transvestites are alike.
You disgust me.
But of course,
that isn't the real problem here.
Oh, really, what is?
This woman's hot for you.
What if she goes nuts
and tears your clothes off?
That's what Craig Garfield said
Roxanne Doyle did.
- Yeah, what do I do then?
- Call me.
I can be there in 15 minutes.
Wait, you can't call me.
In fact, you can't come home.
You'll have to sleep in the cave.
The cave.
Oh, God.
I want to make a toast
to my good friend, Rick...
...a guy with a great sense of humor.
And here's to summer.
I swear, sixth grade is so bogus,
it's a joke.
Wanna take a walk?
I think they need some privacy.
Jill, you animal, you.
Come on.
Hey, wait, where you going?
Hey, man, don't leave me now.
You kids have fun, huh?
They left me.
It's okay, I'm still here.
Sandy, you tricked me bad.
You know, in five years,
Jill's going to make him very happy.
Yeah, I'm sure.
- Nice fire.
- Sandy, this is...
Don't talk.
Sandy, this is a big mistake.
Maybe, maybe not.
There's only one way to find out.
Sandy. Sandy, really.
Sandy, get out of there!
There really is
a very good explanation for that.
I'm flattered.
You are?
But you don't have to do this
to impress me.
- I don't?
- No.
I like you a lot.
I'll take one of those beers now.
It's okay. I mean, how small can it be?
Don't ask.
More cold duck?
Sure, hit me again.
If I give you 5 bucks,
would you go see a movie?
Terry promised she'd be home tonight.
I'm not leaving until I see her.
If I give you 10 bucks,
would you go wait in your car?
We're on number 22.
Let's keep going.
Bummer.
"If the coefficient of X
is greater than that of Y...
...and the coefficient of Y
is greater than that of C...
...then what can be said...
...about the coefficient of X
in relation to the coefficient of C?"
Hold it.
It's time Kevin knew the truth.
Terry moved to Oregon to join a
religious cult she saw on 60 Minutes.
It's all in the letter.
You should go home
and wait for her, Kevin.
Wait, two more problems.
- "If the coefficient of..."
- Hi, Kevin.
Terry, back from the cult.
Where the hell have you been?
You're gonna laugh.
I was upstairs looking for this skirt...
...and I fell asleep in the closet.
What did you do to your hair?
Oh, I cut it.
- Isn't it cute?
- Cute? It's gone!
What are you, drunk?
You are, you're drunk.
What's going on here?
We're supposed to get together.
Kevin. Honey. Angel.
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
When, tonight?
- Let me tuck you in.
- I can't tonight.
I'm working very hard on my article.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll walk you out to the car, okay?
Gee, a walk to the car.
Talk about your wild nights.
It's okay, because while you were
up in the closet getting drunk...
...I got to do algebra!
That's wonderful.
Crazy kids.
Well, alone at last.
Why are you smiling like that?
Because it's party time!
Let's dance! Let's great crazy!
Let's get drunk! Let's get naked!
Buddy, I love a good party,
but something about you worries me.
Linda, you're a nut.
Skinny dip in the pool,
back rub in the bedroom?
Pick a sin, any sin.
It's getting kind of late.
No, it's early.
- Bye.
- Linda, wait.
For God's sake, I vacuumed, Linda!
Buddy, you're a nice guy.
No, not a nice guy.
That's the kiss of death.
I'll see you in algebra.
Thanks for your help.
Linda, wait!
Would it make any difference at all
if I said I was hung like a bear?
It might. Are you?
No, just checking.
Goodbye, Buddy.
I like your hair.
That girl had incredible self-control.
Kevin hates me, Rick hates me.
Everybody hates me except Sandy.
Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
Did you get laid?
I bet I came closer than you did.
Years from now, Linda will look back
on this night and be very sorry.
Good night, Buddy.
Sorry, Spike.
Nothing much, Ma.
I did good on my history test.
Terry's become a transsexual.
She's starting to grow hair
on her chest.
Yeah, just a second.
Hey, Mom wants to talk to you.
She can't talk, Mom.
The doctor advised her
not to speak.
Something hormonal and vocal.
Besides, she's hung-over.
Yeah, she was out drinking
with the guys.
Okay, see you in a week.
We miss you too.
Okay, bye.
She thought I was kidding.
Yo, Rick!
Hi, Terry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Morehouse.
- Rick, Terry's here.
- Sorry about last night.
- Hey, that's okay.
If I was in the sixth grade,
I would have had a big night.
- Come on, we're going out.
- Let me guess.
You got me a hot date
with Sandy's grandmother.
No, listen,
I figured the whole thing out.
There is nothing wrong with you
except for the way you dress.
Terry, it took me an hour
to put this look together.
Yeah, so don't try so hard
next time. Come on.
I don't have any money.
I've got plastic.
You can pay me back.
I just feel kind of weird.
That's because your body's
not used to style.
You'll adjust.
Hey, Deborah, what's shaking?
Hi, Terry.
- Hi.
- Rick.
Yeah, I know.
You look a little different.
Kid went shopping, got a haircut.
Welcome to the '80s.
- Very sharp.
- Thanks.
Deb, what are you doing hanging
around these chump stains?
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll be right there.
- Now, Deborah.
- Just a second.
Greg just likes to act tough.
He doesn't really hate you guys.
Oh, that's no act.
He truly hates us.
Deep down, he's insecure.
Yeah, well, upfront he's an asshole.
Take it easy, Deborah.
What was that, a pity stop?
It's just about showtime, boys.
I'm picking up curious life readings.
- Is it human?
- Unknown.
It seems to be some sort of
carbon-based douche bag.
Gentlemen, relax. Sit down.
Too much stress,
it's not good for your muscles.
Have a nice lunch.
Hey, how you doing?
Nice jacket.
Oh, I'm sorry. Spaghetti too.
I think it stains.
Did I miss something?
Did I miss something?
Why didn't you slug
that asshole anyway?
- He said he was sorry.
- And you believe him?
Benefit of the doubt.
Besides, the guy can lift cars.
- What are you doing?
- What's it look like I'm doing?
Do you have to do that in here?
Felt like the right time,
certainly the right place.
Terry, is this a problem for you?
No, no problem at all.
I was just kidding.
It's just that you look so nice today.
You were perfect.
Hey, isn't this great?
Isn't what great?
Well, you know, here we are...
...a couple of guys
hanging out in the men's room...
...leaning up against the urinals,
talking about broads and fights.
Just like a couple of guys, you know?
This is what you call
typical male bonding.
You know, like Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.
So that's what it is. Yeah, that's great.
I'm glad you told me.
I just wish that Greg Tolan
would join the gang.
Oh, man, I've had it with that jerk.
You want to know about Greg Tolan?
I'll tell you about Greg Tolan.
Greg Tolan is toast.
He can't get away with this.
We gotta get him back.
We and what army?
No violence.
No need to sink to his level.
You see, we have something
that Greg Tolan will never have:
Intelligence.
You know, you're right.
I mean, we're smart.
Okay, Terry, what do we do?
- I don't know.
- Me neither. Oh, boy.
Hey, man, this stuff will kill you.
Try this, you'll live longer.
Thanks.
Looks good.
- I made it myself.
- Gonna finish those fries?
- Buddy?
- Thanks.
- What are you doing here?
- Looking for you.
Rick, this my younger brother,
Buddy.
How you doing?
So this is Rick?
I've heard a lot about you.
A lot.
Buddy, what do you want?
Guess who came by to pick you up
for school this morning?
Your true love.
Kevina. Kevina was very upset
that you left without her.
You know how she worships your
rippling muscles and your hairy chest.
Terry's such a stallion.
Go on.
Show him your hairy chest.
Buddy.
Anyway, Kevina made me promise
to tell you she's picking you up...
...for dinner 7:30 sharp.
So you should
look your handsomest.
Thanks for the message, Bud.
My pleasure.
Well...
...l'm gonna scope out
the local babes.
Hey, Rick, stay real.
Take it easy.
You have a girlfriend
named Kevina?
- Rather exotic, isn't it?
- Stallion.
Hi.
Can I be totally honest with you?
Your touch is the reason
why I went through puberty.
Sit down.
Guys, I just want to apologize
about neglecting you yesterday.
I felt terrible, and I just want you
to know you're still my favorite.
Sit down.
Man, Terry,
this crap has gotta stop.
What are you gonna do?
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?
Your attention?
Every day at lunch...
...we get a very special treat...
...from a very special guy.
A guy who has dedicated his life...
...to building his body...
...pushing his muscles
to the very limits of human endurance.
Why, you ask? Why?
Well, to be strong enough to lift tables
and spill food. Greg Tolan!
Whoa, wait.
Let's take a moment now
to find out a little bit...
...about the man behind the mask.
Greg. May I call you Greg?
Now tell us, Greg, how did you
first get into spilling food?
Were you a messy baby?
Did you hate your strained peas?
Well, you know, most psychologists
tell us that guys...
...well, they get into bodybuilding to
compensate for either a lack of IQ...
...or a small wienie.
Which is it, Greg?
Well, those of us
in Greg's gym class...
...certainly know the answer
to that one.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
Greg, please!
Hey, isn't he great?
Muscles and a sense of humor!
Well, let's all thank Greg for the many
lunchtime thrills and spills...
...he's given us. All right, everybody,
up! Come on, everybody, up!
Grab the end of your tables!
A tribute to you, Greg.
Lift!
We love you, Greg.
Everybody out! Go on outside!
Now!
- Hold it, clown!
- Come on, Greg. Greg, not now.
It was a joke, people laughed.
Let it slide.
- Stay out of this.
- I am getting real bored...
...watching you push people around.
- Yeah?
- Stick around, it'll get real exciting.
- You know, Terry was right.
- You are an asshole.
- That asshole called me an asshole?
- Oh, now you wanna beat him up too?
- No, I wanna buy him an ice cream.
Can't you ever just be man enough
to walk away?
Watch, I'll show you how it's done.
You got some pudding on your shoes.
You were outstanding! Phenomenal!
So who you gonna ask?
You were outstanding! Phenomenal!
So who you gonna ask?
- Don't start this.
- You're practically a celebrity.
I'm having a really great day.
Please, don't spoil it.
We've gone too far to stop now.
Just ask one more person, anybody.
And then I swear I'll shut up.
- Anybody?
- Anybody.
This is...
This is gonna sound crazy, but...
...what the heck, you know,
it's been a crazy day.
Would you like to go with me
to the prom?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I don't think you
understood the question...
The prom?
I'd love to be your date.
Hi, Terry.
I'm going with Deborah?
I'm going with Deborah.
That's really wonderful.
See, what did I tell you?
You're a great guy.
It's about time
some lucky girl figured it out.
- Let's double. Who you going with?
- Oh, I don't know if I'm going.
You've got to, come on. Sandy.
Oh, no way, man,
that chick is dangerous.
- I don't need to go.
- Yes, you do.
After all you've done for me...
...we've gotta get you a date.
Because, Terry, I'm not going
unless you're going too.
I mean it, I'll tell Deborah right now.
I think I know who to ask.
Okay!
I was wondering, do you have plans
yet for Saturday night?
I'm not sure.
Either I'm jetting to Paris...
...or watching The Love Boat.
Denise.
Will you be my date at the prom?
You are so sexually confused.
- Please, just say you'll go with me.
- Why would you wanna go?
Because I promised Rick.
And if I don't go,
he won't go with Deborah.
Deborah. I am such a jerk.
I thought the whole point
was to get Rick a date.
Yeah, but not her. I mean,
what could he possibly see in her?
- She's totally wrong for him.
- Too pretty?
No, she's trouble.
I guess Rick needs someone
a lot more sensitive.
More like you, right?
Why would I want Rick
when I have Kevin?
Good question.
But do you like him?
Rick's not my type at all.
Sure, with my help,
he's come a long way.
He's stopped buying his clothes
at Nerds 'R' Us.
I know you, Terry, and you like him.
He's research.
My article's due Monday,
I've got a lot of good stuff.
But I still need something
to tie it all together.
Yeah, you like him.
Denise.
Just say you'll go
to the prom with me.
- I'll go to the prom with you.
- Oh, thank you.
I want a limo.
And you can't tell anyone.
Not my friends, not my parents,
no one. Deal?
Look, I'm not proud of this either.
God, look how low I've sunk.
And you know what's really sad is...
...you're the best date
I've had in weeks.
- How do I look?
- Beautiful.
Kevin really loves this outfit.
I wanna look really nice for him.
I guess you two haven't
had much time together...
...since...
...the sex change.
That's cute.
Hey, Denise, what's your rush?
We're young, we're wild.
Let's be young and wild together.
I'd rather get the phone book
and pick a name at random.
Hi, is Terry home?
Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Terry, you got company.
- Come on up, I'm almost ready.
Hey, we could go to your place,
it's cool. I'm very flexible.
- Oh, shit.
- Terry?
Don't come in, I'm dressing.
Ter?
I'll be right out.
Hey, Sandy, what a nice surprise.
These are for you.
They're kissing fish.
To say sorry about the cave.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
- How did you know where I lived?
- I followed you.
Why don't you go to Pearl?
Oh, I hate that school.
Bunch of snotty rich kids.
Anyway, thanks for the fish.
I'll put them by my bed.
- That's perfect. Is that your room?
- No, it's my little brother's room.
- That's my room over there.
- Let's see how they look.
Help me.
I think they'll look good over here.
Like, this is where you sleep
and do your homework?
Yeah, well, I like pictures of people.
Terry loves tits and ass.
These women
just aren't tits and ass.
Kim reads Vonnegut.
And Luanne,
Luanne despises toxic waste.
Don't let him fool you,
hardcore sex maniac.
Well, Terry treated me
with nothing but respect.
Very special.
Yeah, he's one of a kind, my bro.
Hey, I wonder
if that could be your pal, Kevin.
Yeah, Kevin. Why don't you go
downstairs and tell Kevin...
...l'm not quite ready and could he
please wait for me in the car.
I tried that once.
He doesn't like waiting in cars.
Thanks for stopping by, but
as you can see, I really am in a rush.
First there's something else
I have to give you.
- Nothing could top these fish.
- Don't be so sure.
Oh, my God, the fish! Were they fed
today? Look at those hungry eyes.
They're kissing.
They're turning cannibal.
Here. Feed them this, and I'll see
what I have in the kitchen.
You guys like pizza?
Buddy! Kevin!
Here she is.
- What are you doing here so early?
- It's 7:30, I'm right on time.
Seven-thirty? I could have sworn
you said 8:30.
I'll tell you what, I'll go get ready,
and you come back in an hour.
Terry, you know damn well
I said 7:30.
You said you'd be ready
and dressed to kill.
So why do you look like hell?
I don't know.
Buddy, can I see you for a minute?
"I don't know"?
You're so great under pressure.
Listen, a half-naked woman's in your
room feeding the fish. She's all yours.
- Sounds too kinky for me.
- Budster, I need you. She needs you.
- You need her.
- Is she really half-naked?
- Maybe more now.
- What if you're lying?
- What if I'm not?
- Good point.
If I'm not back in a week,
forward my mail.
Kevin, darling!
Hello.
Where's Terry?
Gone. This isn't the first time
that androgynous sleaze-bucket...
...has broken
a beautiful girl's heart.
I am so embarrassed.
Why? The room's full
of naked women.
Wait, would you feel more comfortable
if I took my shirt off?
What a nice girl.
We can't go to Giovanni's
with you dressed like that.
Sure we can. We'll get it to go.
A long time ago I knew
this girl named Terry...
...she wore dresses and makeup.
She was hot.
Then one day she disappeared.
Do you know where she went?
She's right here.
You know, I'm still the same person.
And is that all you care about,
that I'm hot?
No, that's not all I care about.
Look, I'm under pressure,
my article's due Monday.
What is it with this article? It's nice
to have a hobby, but let's get serious.
A hobby?
I didn't mean...
...hobby like just a hobby, I...
I meant hobby
like an important hobby.
Well...
...how do I look?
- Dashing.
My zipper's open.
That was the dashing part.
- Budmeister, are you okay?
- No, Terry, I'm not.
Mom and Dad come home Monday.
I've had two weeks of total freedom.
The closest I've come to sex was a girl
who took her top off to seduce you.
What's wrong with me?
Not a thing.
Listen, sex is not that big a deal.
I'd like to form my own opinion.
It'll happen.
I know this place that delivers.
Massage Delight or something.
Can I borrow $200?
Buddy, why don't you just call up
the guys and go to the mall?
I'd rather wallow in my virginity.
Buddy, you know I can't answer it.
Please, this is almost over.
Yeah?
Yeah, Terry's here.
I'll see if it can talk.
It's Mr. Wonderful.
Hi, Kevin.
No, I can't tonight.
Listen, we have to have
a serious talk.
Yes, it's about us.
Listen, can we talk about this
later? I gotta go...
Bye, Kevin.
Mr. Wonderful is Mr. History?
All right.
I'm having such a good time,
no one here knows I used to be fat.
Tell me again how Rick
and Deborah belong together.
- Rick and Deborah belong together.
- What a crock!
He's doing it again,
he keeps giving me looks!
Thank you, you're very special.
We'll be right back.
He wants to talk to me,
do you mind if I go?
- No, really, go ahead.
- You're a great date.
Hey, Sandy.
About the other night, I feel like
a visitor from the planet of the sluts.
Hey, that's okay.
We all make mistakes.
Hi, Deb.
Greg.
You're dead.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, parsley for eight, please.
- They're so cute.
- Yeah.
- I don't think they're hungry.
- Hi.
They really do prefer
mealworms or flies.
How could she do that to you?
We don't have a real commitment.
- She can date whoever she wants.
- In the middle of the prom?
Oh, there you are.
He's so excited, it's his first prom.
Terry?
- All right, where is she?
- It's that darn cult again.
They have her totally brainwashed.
- Wanna split her records?
- Tell me now or tell me in the hospital!
I'm suddenly remembering.
If I tell you where she is,
you gotta take me with you.
I don't want to miss this.
- Let's go.
- Wait.
It's kind of formal, I've gotta change.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, as chairwoman of the prom
committee, it's now my pleasure...
...to announce
your prom king and queen.
The envelopes, please.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this year's prom queen is...
Deborah Strowbridge.
Hey, I swear to God, I'm not lying.
Okay, all right,
and this year's prom king is:
- It's Greg Tolan.
- Yeah.
All right, Greg! Way to go, Greg.
Congratulations, Greg.
Thank you, Deborah.
You know,
now that I take a good look...
...they do make a nice couple.
- Normally we have a traditional...
...king and queen's dance, but as
chairwoman of the prom committee...
...l've decided that
that's a stupid tradition.
So everybody dance!
Come on, Rick.
May I cut in?
Tolan, you're a creep.
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna scratch your eyes out!
Help!
You dumb ox, you're in trouble!
Help me!
Put me down! Put me down!
Shit, where did these guys
learn to fight?
Okay, tough guy,
you want a piece of me now?
My back's not turned the other way.
- Nice tux, you'll look good buried in it.
- Come on.
No pain, no gain.
Hey, Ter.
- Buddy.
- I missed you.
- Terry, are you all right?
- Kevin?
Hey, Sandy!
What are you doing here,
in a tuxedo?
Please go home, I'll call you tonight.
- Who is this guy?
- Terry's boyfriend, who are you?
Just a friend.
We can work this out.
I know you still love me.
No, I don't. I love someone else.
- Whoa, thanks, but no, thanks.
- Look, we belong together. You're my...
Hold that thought. Can I talk to you for
one brief moment? I'll be right back.
- What's going on?
- Wait, it gets better.
Yeah, big night, huh?
- I bet you're a little confused.
- I think I understand.
I know I should have
told you sooner, but...
...I didn't.
- I'm a...
- Terry, I know.
You're gay.
I'm not gay.
Wait a minute, now I'm confused.
I'm a girl. I'm a woman.
Right, and I'm Cyndi Lauper.
Could we please go back
to the prom now?
I'm a female, I swear.
- Wait, are those what I think they are?
- I'm sorry.
Where do you get off having tits?
There was this contest,
and I needed to prove it...
...but then I stayed and I met you,
and you're so wonderful that...
- Shit, I can't believe this.
- Rick, I know you're mad.
But I think you're terrific, and your
friendship means so much to me...
...that I just...
- Then this whole thing was bullshit.
Major bullshit.
Rick, wait.
You've gotta understand how much
you mean to me, believe me.
Right, Terrence, because
you've been so honest up till now.
- So how's the fish?
- Great, I put a frogman in the bowl.
And you know what?
They really do love pizza.
- Rick, can't you just forgive me?
- No, I can't.
Rick.
It's okay, everybody. It's all right.
- He has tits.
- What?
Come on, Deborah, let's go.
Whoa, 9:15 already.
Well, gotta go.
Had a lovely time,
have a nice prom.
Hi.
- You're probably here with a date.
- Yeah.
Thanks, son.
Buddy, why'd you bring Kevin?
Good evening.
Hey, no problem.
Just a couple of nice all-American
kids experimenting with sex.
- You remember Sandy, the fish girl?
- Hi.
Hello.
You know, my voyage
of self-discovery...
...has ended in despair.
Hey, that's so interesting, really.
Could you shut the light off, please?
I'm seeing Julian
again this weekend.
He is so cool.
- I can't believe I finally lucked out.
- Denise, he is the lucky one.
Hey, Terry...
...is it true you broke up
with that college guy?
- It's true.
- You wanna go out Saturday night?
I'm sorry, but I'm really not ready.
What about Sunday,
you think that's enough time?
Thanks.
Terry, you have to snap out of this.
I will.
Just may take me a couple of years.
Terry.
I really liked your article.
Especially the part on how you can
be cool even if you don't dress cool.
I feel the same way.
You wanna go out sometime?
I'm really not ready yet.
Thanks anyway.
Shelley, wait up.
Terry, could you come
in here please?
Mr. Raymaker.
Come into my office.
I read your article in the Sun-Tribune.
- Congratulations on winning.
- Thanks.
It was real good.
- And I'm sorry I misjudged you.
- You don't have to apologize.
I wouldn't have this job
if it weren't for you.
You forced me to fight for
what I wanted...
...and I will never forget you for that.
Thank you.
I learned a lot too.
What about that kid you wrote
the article about, Rick?
He hates me.
Well, that's too bad.
You really like him, don't you?
Why do you say that?
I read your article.
Don't worry, I'm a stunt driver,
I do this for a living.
Swift parking job, Bud.
- And you're late.
- Yeah, I ran out of gas.
But don't worry,
I put a buck's worth in, on me.
Terry, it's summer, smile.
My face hurts when I smile.
Listen to me, O sister of my loins.
I've got a driver's license
and a sex life.
You've got the job of your dreams
and a chauffer.
Life is sweet, let's get an ice cream.
It's for you.
You look very good in a dress.
Very good.
I thought you hated me.
I missed you.
I read your article. Do you...
...still feel the same way about me?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Why don't we go out
and have some fun?
You know, maybe we could go
dancing Friday night?
Wait a minute.
I'm the guy here.
Let me just try this, okay?
Why don't we go out dancing
Friday night?
What an original idea.
- Hey, you wanna go for a ride?
- Yeah.
As long as I get to drive.
Come on, Buddy.
- Denise, why aren't you in Science?
They're showing a filmstrip,
everyone left. I have to talk to you.
- I'm really into this article.
- I know, but I need your advice...
...and you are my best friend,
and I tried to deal with it myself...
...and I'm really stressed out!
Three guys wanna take me out,
I'm not too thrilled by any of them...
...but think I should go in case I don't
have a real boyfriend by the prom.
- Okay, who are the guys?
- If I give you names, you cannot laugh.
I know, you have
the perfect college boyfriend.
- You think Kevin's perfect?
- He's a god, okay?
Can we talk about me now?
Where was I?
Bruce Shulman, Edward Zink
and Roger Gibbler.
- This is serious.
- I know.
All right, on a scale of lame to cute
who rates the least low?
They're all lame.
Put Roger in a rent-a-tux,
he might move up to semi-lame.
Okay, forget looks,
who's got the hottest car?
A Pinto, dad's Skylark
and a Schwinn.
Looks like you're gonna have
to skip the prom.
Hey. Hey, everybody.
Listen up! Hey.
A lot of you've been giving me
grief about this Sun-Tribune...
...journalism competition.
Well, I finally got
all of your submissions read.
Now, during my planning period...
...I picked the best two,
and then from those...
...and from those submitted by
your pals over at Sturgis-Wilder.
Thank you.
The Trib will pick one and award
somebody a summer internship.
Okay?
I'll post the names of the winners in
the trophy case after I finish my lunch.
Tuna salad on whole wheat.
A summer job at the Sun-Tribune,
think about it.
I'll think about that, you think about me
at the prom with a lizard.
- I think you're exaggerating.
- Hi, Denise!
Are you busy Saturday night?
Sorry.
Mr. Raymaker...
...Mr. Vino, the driver's ed. Teacher,
just ran over a dog.
Should I take a photographer?
No.
What's up, Terry?
- How's it going, Terry?
- Hi, guys.
Hi, guys.
Bye, guys.
- Am I invisible?
- They were in a hurry.
You are so hot.
Buddy, I just ate.
- Thanks for stopping by, Bud.
- Anytime, sis.
Our parents are gone for two weeks.
Know what that means?
Their king-size bed is empty.
Well, what do you think?
I think if you and I were
the last man and woman on Earth...
...the human race would die out.
You want time to think it over.
I understand.
I have two words for you,
slumber party.
We'll invite every girl you know:
Tall, short, loose, easy.
I'll be the bartender,
they can use my bedroom...
...they can use my body.
- I wanna help.
- You wanna molest my friends.
- Forget it.
- Why?
You'll have a party, and I'll...
- Oh, God.
- Does he do this at the dinner table?
Don't get me wrong,
it's not like I've never had sex before.
I've had lots of sex. It's just that now
I'd like to try it with a partner.
We really have to get back
to school.
Yes, we must get back.
Wanna make sure
my article's in the trophy case.
Yes, we really must get going.
You have to get going?
I'm 15 years old.
In two years, I reach the peak
of my sexual powers.
The clock is ticking,
I have to get jamming.
Can't you hear
what you're saying?
- Aren't you a little embarrassed?
- Nope, I'm horny.
Horny will kick embarrassment's ass
every time.
Budster, listen to me.
Don't you want your first time
to be with someone you love?
I guarantee you, I'll be in love.
There's Lisa Macadoo,
I hear she'll do anything with anybody.
She looks pretty cheap to me.
Me too.
I am so excited. You know this job
means, like, everything in life to me.
I know.
Work in the sports section.
That way we can interview
all the cute jocks.
You are gonna be so proud of me,
I'm gonna make such a great reporter.
- I'm not there.
- Why aren't you there?
Neal Perlow and Joseph Dreyer?!
And then I had Terry Griffith,
fourth period Civics.
Did you see what she's wearing?
The legs do not stop.
I say we flunk her,
keep her here for another year.
You better be careful,
you could lose your job.
It'd be worth it,
it's not that great a job.
- Terry.
- What's wrong with my article?
Well, there isn't anything
wrong with it, per se...
...it's just...
...not outstanding work.
- Well, I think it is.
What do you give me straight
A's for, my wardrobe?
I give you the A's because
of your hard work. And you write well.
But this contest,
it's a completely different ballgame.
When I read those articles,
I have to ask...
...does this person
have a nose for news?
Do they dig out
the most interesting angle?
So, what you're trying to tell me
is that the nutritional content...
...of our school lunches
isn't interesting.
Look, Terry,
I know that you're disappointed.
But I had to pick kids
who've got a real shot...
...at becoming
professional journalists.
I am going to be a reporter.
That's good.
I like that attitude.
But don't you think it would be nice
to have something to fall back on?
Like what?
Well, you're a pretty girl,
you could be a model.
Be a model?
Why, because a pretty girl
can't possibly have a brain?
- Look, what I meant was...
- I know what you meant!
This is a great article
and it belongs at the Sun-Tribune.
And you are so clueless to life,
it is really pathetic!
Terry, it's Mr. Wonderful.
Always when I'm busy.
- She's in the pool.
- What took you so long?
- I knew it was you.
- I keep forgetting how young you are.
What a waste of a sports car.
Listen, everything's gonna be
all right.
How'd this get in here?
- Why do you always tie double knots?
- Kevin, please, forget the knot.
What I need is a little sympathy.
I had my heart set
on that summer job.
Terry.
I know exactly how you feel.
Can I tell you a little story?
When I was a kid,
I was obsessed with being a fireman.
I used to set little fires in the back
yard, and I'd practice putting them out.
Then one day...
...when I was 12,
I learned I could never be a fireman.
Why, what happened?
I found out how much money
they make. Pitiful.
Don't you understand
that I don't care what reporters make?
I can't remember a time when there
was anything else I wanted to do.
And it's discouraging when Raymaker
tells me that I should become a model.
Hey, why not?
You're a knockout.
Besides, models make
some pretty nice bucks.
You don't think I can do it either.
Well, no, that's not exactly
what I said, exactly.
Yeah, well, it was close enough.
You know, it's lucky for you
I'm in love with you, I think...
...or I'd probably never
speak to you again.
I'd like to be alone, please.
Now? Can't you be alone
when your parents are home?
Since you haven't listened
to one word I've said...
...why don't you try reading my lips.
Goodbye, Kevin.
Would you rather spend the night
at the frat house?
- All men care about is sex!
- I resent that.
Big improvement, huh?
The room needed something.
Your room is why my life
is totally screwed up.
You guys think beautiful women are
nothing but decoration, total airheads.
Hey, not me.
These women
have my deepest respect.
For showing their boobs?
And for their minds.
It just so happens that Kim here
reads Vonnegut in her bubble bath.
And Luanne has dedicated
her centerfold...
...to help clean up toxic waste.
And the only reason Barbara does
her physics homework buck-naked...
...is because that library's hot.
Come on, Buddy, admit it...
...you would love to spend your entire
life just using women's bodies.
Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds.
I'd like a little time to reminisce.
Can't you think of anything
more profound than getting laid?
A blowjob?
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- This is the perfect end to my day.
I mean, it's as if women's lib
never existed.
Today's woman has the freedom to be
just as sick and perverted as us guys.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I mean, I write an excellent article,
and just because I'm cute...
...no one takes me seriously.
It's not fair!
And yet, somehow
you find the courage to go on living.
You got guts.
Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.
No, you don't.
The male body needs sex at all times.
It's a living hell.
I bet if a guy turned in the same article
it would be at the Sun-Tribune now.
Yeah, no kidding.
Hey, does Miss April
look straight?
What are the odds of this being
a homeless nymphomaniac?
- Is your sister home?
- Yeah.
Hey, Terry, you got company.
Terry?
Why am I brain damaged?
I just fooled my own brother.
Hey, I wasn't paying attention.
Now I am. Hello, Terry.
I think I can pull this off.
This morning I knew her.
I talked to her, she screamed at me...
...everything was great.
Now she's wearing my clothes.
- Who do you think you are, Tootsie?
- No.
Okay, Yentl,
what do you wanna be, a rabbi?
Just tell me what's wrong.
Really?
Okay, well...
Look how you're standing.
I mean, drop your hands.
Okay, now stick your hip in.
All right,
now move your feet apart.
Okay.
Guys take up space.
All right,
now you gotta look tougher.
Very crucial,
something every guy does...
...let me see you
scratch your balls.
Hey, come on, try it.
Wait a minute.
Watch the master.
Now first, there's your basic shift.
But that's not always enough.
Sometimes you've got to get inside,
dig a little, let some air in...
...move things around.
Yeah, well, maybe
my balls don't itch.
All balls itch, it's a fact.
Well, maybe this would help.
Not bad.
Shit, maybe I should try that.
Okay, let's see you walk.
Hold it!
Look, you got balls now, use them.
Say, baby, what's happening?
I'm a lean, mean sex machine,
and that be the way it is.
Say, baby, what's happening?
I'm a lean, mean sex machine...
...and that be the way it is.
I think you'll pass
as long as you don't move.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to take that article to
Sturgis-Wilder and submit it as a guy.
It makes perfect sense.
Got a problem, you get in drag.
You don't think I can do it,
do you?
No way.
But I'd love to see you try.
Hey, how you doing?
We'll talk more later.
There you go.
Keep lifting those weights.
Once you're into power-blitzing,
doing super-sets is like jerking off.
The key is to work out
every possible minute.
Like, say you don't have any weights.
You use freshmen.
I'm serious.
Excuse me!
This'll just take a minute.
Okay, get a good grip...
...bend your knees and lift.
One, two. One, two.
Hey, no pain, no gain.
This is great for the deltoids.
- Thanks, kid.
- Happy to help.
Who invited you?
I'm new here.
Just what we need, another pussy.
Strong as an ox,
and almost as smart.
Another good exercise for upper body
strength, the pussy toss for distance.
Hey, get off me!
Get off me right... Get off!
Watch the prickers.
Damn.
Great bunch of guys.
I see you met Greg Tolan.
He kind of runs the school.
I'm Rick Morehouse.
Try not to get us confused.
Willie, will you give us a synopsis
of Catcher in the Rye?
Catcher in the Rye, a novel
written by the earthling Salinger...
...that every adolescent Homo sapien
in America is forced to read...
You didn't read it, did you?
Our mission on your planet
is to study human behavioral patterns.
Last night, we simulated a daily
teenage ritual, homework avoidance.
We consumed large quantities
of fermented hops and were...
...transformed into degenerate
party animal head-bangers.
- Can I go to the restroom, please?
- Three minutes.
I don't care what galaxy
you two are from.
You've been pulling this routine
for three years.
You'll be here another year
if you don't straighten up.
I want that homework now.
The Earth woman seems so tense.
Irritable.
Too much coffee.
Not enough sex.
Just finished.
I care.
Low-budget
pud-sucking dick nose!
Way to go, big Ter.
Table pressing.
Good for strength and definition.
Full extension is very important.
No pain, no gain.
- Got you!
- Keep your face out of my locker.
- Coach Morrison?
- One moment, son.
Bowling, a great game.
The greatest.
But it's more than a game.
It's the ultimate challenge.
One man...
...one ball...
...ten pins.
- Ten frames too.
- Exactly!
See, coach, I just transferred here
from another school...
...so I don't have my gym clothes yet,
so I guess I'll just go to study hall.
Hold it!
Everyone dresses
for my gym class.
Everyone.
Great.
I have surprise jock inspections
three times a week.
A word to the wise:
Wear it.
Hey, yo, Mark,
throw me a towel, huh?
- Willie, I hate gym. I really hate gym.
- I really hate gym a lot.
I don't like the smell.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's spreading!
Have you ever seen anything
like this?
Never.
- Early shower squad!
- Get the new kid!
Get off me!
Get off me!
Everybody out! Fire!
Calm, collected!
Take only essential materials!
- Hey, get out of my way!
- There's a fire drill.
We have a saboteur
in our gym class!
A real scum.
A nimrod!
Whoever started that fire...
...is a human gutter ball.
A zero!
Sherbecoe, how many times
have I told you...
...no creatures in my gym class?
If I left him in the locker,
the alligators would eat him.
You get rid of it, or I'll get rid of it.
It's all right. It's okay. He's just
a little upset. Don't worry about it.
Sit. Sit. Stay. Good boy.
Good boy.
Okay, I'll be back soon for you.
I'll take Willie if you take Phil.
Okay, come on, guys.
Okay.
Shirts!
Skins!
Shirts!
Skins!
- All right, let's play some ball.
- Yeah.
Got a problem, son?
Stomach, shooting pains!
I ate in the cafeteria!
Come on, tough it out!
When life rolls you a 7-10 split,
what do you do?
Go to the nurse?
No! Hell, no! You aim for
that seven pin and let her rip!
All right. All right.
The rest of you pinheads play ball!
- This is good work.
- I knew it. Thanks, Mr. Mendosa.
But I can't send it
to the Sun-Tribune.
- What'd you say?
- Can't send it.
Your writing skills are fine,
but, man, this stuff is really boring.
You gotta grab the reader!
Goose them a little.
Right...
...goose them.
Just because you're a guy doesn't
mean you can't write with sensitivity...
...with feeling, with heart.
But you do show promise.
Look.
I'm not gonna choose the winners
until a week from Monday.
So think of something exciting.
Try again.
Yeah, well...
...thanks.
Terry, I hate
when you're depressed.
I mean, if you're this upset
over your life, I should be suicidal.
I mean, look what Kevin sent you!
I'd do anything to come home
and find roses.
Can we define
the word "anything"?
Maybe Raymaker was right
about my article.
But I know I can do better.
I'm just confused.
Of course you're confused,
you're wearing my underwear.
Terry, forget it.
Come back to Pearl.
So you got a bad haircut. You got
a great life and a fabulous boyfriend.
I can't give up.
And today was a disaster,
and I was a major geek...
...but they all thought I was a guy.
I was in the boys' locker room.
- You were?
- Yes.
- And they were?
- Yes.
Can I be your younger brother?
There's a story here.
I don't know what, but I've got until
a week from Monday to find it.
Hey, what about, "Girl Gets
in Locker Room, Turns Stupid"?
I can still win that job.
I'm gonna go to Sturgis-Wilder...
...and I'm gonna start making
any friends I can find.
What if Kevin finds out you were in
the boys' locker room?
Would Woodward and Bernstein
worry about their girlfriends?
No.
Anyway, Kevin will never find out.
Unless I tell him.
Which I would never do
as long as Denise cooperates.
Denise?
When pigs fly.
Never hurts to ask.
It's driving me crazy!
I looked everywhere!
I can't find the back of my earring.
What am I supposed to do,
walk around all day with one earring?
It's so punk.
All you gotta do is break
the eraser off a pencil...
...and use it to hold your earring.
It'll get you through the day.
Oh, thanks.
I have sisters.
We're in the cafeteria, everything
eats and is eaten by something.
Don't take it personally.
Remember when l...
Hi, I'm Terry Griffith.
Hi, I'm Harold "Reptile" Sherbecoe.
It's time to feed Snowball his lunch.
Oh, Snowball, he's cute.
Oh, that's not Snowball.
No, this is Snowball.
That's lunch.
They don't make snake chow.
- It was very nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too.
Want some company?
Want some company?
- Want some company?
- Yeah, sure.
I'm Terry Griffith.
I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
- Rick Morehouse.
- Oh, yeah, that's it.
Last time we met,
I was in some bushes.
Right, big fun being
the new kid, huh?
Are you new?
Two months ago.
Actually, I'm a professional new kid.
Seven schools in three years,
I really know how to register.
Excuse me?
Hi, thanks, it worked great.
He knew how to fix my earring.
That's because he's a little tulip.
You know Deborah Strowbridge?
Not really.
But I mean, she talked to you.
Deborah Strowbridge is perfection.
Well, it seems to me
like she's got a boyfriend.
Yeah, well, there's no accounting
for taste.
- So are you a senior?
- Yeah.
You going to college?
Well, I like music, and I'd like
to do something in that field...
...but I'm not sure
you have to go to school for it.
I dig music a lot too.
I like the Clash and Talking Heads
and Springsteen and Prince.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Listen to this.
Look, what a fox.
Dresses like Elvis Costello,
looks like the Karate Kid.
I'm gonna get him.
Severe intestinal disorder.
What's the matter,
you have a little tummy ache?
What are you, a pussy?
My doctor said that I should be okay
by a week from Monday...
...so I guess
I'll just go to study hall.
No, you won't.
I have a little job for you, son.
Here you go.
Hey, knock yourself out.
You look like
you could use two.
Dragon coming through,
watch your toes.
Come on, Fifi, don't dawdle.
Come on.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
Tulip.
Hi.
It's me.
Nice to see you.
Hi, I'm Sandy.
- Terry.
- I know.
That's an incredible tie.
Where did you get it?
- At a store.
- Bitchen.
I guess if you're new,
you don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah, well, I got one back home.
Long-distance relationship?
Good luck.
Yo, Rick, you want a ride home?
Sure.
Yeah, well, gotta go, Sandy,
so I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah, you will.
She's pretty nice.
Yeah, but I got this one rule.
I never go out with girls
who say "bitchen."
Pull up right here, this is fine.
Thanks for the ride.
Well, what are you doing now?
Nothing.
Did you want to come in?
Well, I was just gonna tune up my car
and maybe play a little football...
...but yeah, I got time.
Okay.
If my mom comes home from work
and asks you about my girlfriend...
...just so you know...
...her name is Alice and she looks
a lot like Chrissy Evert Lloyd.
I just don't want her to worry
about my social life.
Yeah, but Chris Evert Lloyd?
It was Wimbledon week.
You want a beer?
Yeah, I'll take a brewski.
So you don't really have a girlfriend?
You guessed it.
- What about the prom?
- What about it?
Well, you know, sounds all right.
"Passion in Paradise."
You're renting out that big surf place.
Don't you want to go?
Yeah, but it's kind of a romantic night.
I'd rather not go with my mom.
Well, did you ask anyone?
Well, you better get going.
- Who's your first choice?
- You ask a lot of questions.
Rick, we're rapping man-to-man
about chicks and shit like that.
You know, like, still a virgin?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Weren't you paying attention?
- Are you a virgin?
- No.
Have you slept with a lot of girls?
- No. Have you ever slept with a girl?
- Yeah.
- Well, all right, let's hear the story.
- It's no big deal.
Just after my dad died...
...this friend of my mom's,
I think she wanted to cheer me up.
She did.
Is that your room?
Wait a minute, don't go in there.
It's kind of messy.
This is different.
I'm kind of into James Brown.
I guess so.
Prince, Michael Jackson,
it all goes back to James Brown.
The godfather of soul.
Not to mention Mr. Humanitarian,
Mr. Dynamite...
...and the hardest-working man
in show business.
New York City, live,
the Apollo Theater, 1962.
This man was king.
- Well, let's hear some sounds.
- I don't think so.
- Stereo broken?
- No, it's just something I do by myself.
Well, when I hear James,
I have to dance.
You know, like James,
go crazy, I can't help it.
And I'm usually alone when I do it.
That's cool, man. I can respect that.
How about another brewski, okay?
Okay.
Budster, the refrigerator gives
new meaning to the word "empty."
Hey, don't worry about breakfast.
This stuff tastes great cold.
You agreed to do half the shopping
while Mom and Dad were gone.
Yeah, that's right, the second half.
I'll tell you what,
I'll do the dishes.
Thank you.
I can see myself.
I'll get it.
Hello?
Hey, yo, scumbag.
Hey, suck your own.
Eat me.
Hey, same to you, butt face.
Mom says hi.
Yo, Rick, how they hanging?
It's Terry.
I want you to wear something
really hip tomorrow.
We're gonna get you
a date for the prom.
Just do what I say.
Okay, yeah. Bye-bye.
Scumbag.
Shit, he hung up.
This is your idea of hip,
a guy who is into James Brown?
Could we please just forget
the whole thing?
Now, there is no reason
why you should miss that prom.
A girl would be crazy
to turn you down.
So come on, who is she?
Red sweater.
Cute shoes.
Go for it.
Just waltz right up there
and ask her out?
No, you gotta say something nice...
...like, how pretty her eyes are.
- Girls eat up that crap.
- Come on.
- Hi, Jeanine.
- Hi.
- I'm forgetting your name.
- Rick Morehouse.
You know, I sit right next to you
in Civics class.
You have beautiful eyes.
I'll bet.
Do you have a date for the prom?
Of course, it's next week, why?
Official prom committee survey,
thank you very much.
Terry.
This has got to be the one.
You know why?
Because I've asked everybody else.
No, because I've got this feeling.
True, I've had this feeling before,
but this time...
Beth, are you doing anything
prom night?
I'm going to the prom.
Saturday night.
- What about Saturday?
- I'm busy.
- Tonight?
- I'm busy.
- How about Sunday?
- I'm busy.
- How about any night in 1987?
- I'm busy.
I'm sorry.
How about yesterday?
Are you busy yesterday?
I think so,
but you can ask me out again.
- Hi, Terry.
- Oh, hey, Sandy.
Word's out your friend's
desperate for a date.
He would love my cousin, Jill.
She's cute.
- How cute?
- Extremely.
She's got, like, Joan Collins' eyes,
Christy Brinkley's teeth.
What about the rest of her?
Dynamite. Rick has to meet her.
How about if you and me and Rick and
Jill all meet up at the cave tonight?
We'll have a picnic.
Come on, we'll have fun.
This Jill better be some girl.
Buddy, can I borrow
your Army jacket?
What are you doing?
Just cleaning the house.
Budster, are you all right?
I am awesome.
Linda is on her way over.
Excuse me, Mr. Romance,
just out of curiosity...
...does this girl have any idea
she's coming over to light up your life?
Well, technically speaking, not really.
We'll probably start off
with some algebra...
...but once I turn on the charm,
she's mine.
Hand me that massage book, please.
Bud, why don't you take
the subtle approach?
Maybe hang a couple of salamis
from the ceiling.
At least my date is someone
of the opposite sex.
I'm just seeing Sandy for Rick.
For Rick, what happened to research?
Well, that's what I meant.
So for research, you're willing to toy
with this poor girl's emotions?
All you transvestites are alike.
You disgust me.
But of course,
that isn't the real problem here.
Oh, really, what is?
This woman's hot for you.
What if she goes nuts
and tears your clothes off?
That's what Craig Garfield said
Roxanne Doyle did.
- Yeah, what do I do then?
- Call me.
I can be there in 15 minutes.
Wait, you can't call me.
In fact, you can't come home.
You'll have to sleep in the cave.
The cave.
Oh, God.
I want to make a toast
to my good friend, Rick...
...a guy with a great sense of humor.
And here's to summer.
I swear, sixth grade is so bogus,
it's a joke.
Wanna take a walk?
I think they need some privacy.
Jill, you animal, you.
Come on.
Hey, wait, where you going?
Hey, man, don't leave me now.
You kids have fun, huh?
They left me.
It's okay, I'm still here.
Sandy, you tricked me bad.
You know, in five years,
Jill's going to make him very happy.
Yeah, I'm sure.
- Nice fire.
- Sandy, this is...
Don't talk.
Sandy, this is a big mistake.
Maybe, maybe not.
There's only one way to find out.
Sandy. Sandy, really.
Sandy, get out of there!
There really is
a very good explanation for that.
I'm flattered.
You are?
But you don't have to do this
to impress me.
- I don't?
- No.
I like you a lot.
I'll take one of those beers now.
It's okay. I mean, how small can it be?
Don't ask.
More cold duck?
Sure, hit me again.
If I give you 5 bucks,
would you go see a movie?
Terry promised she'd be home tonight.
I'm not leaving until I see her.
If I give you 10 bucks,
would you go wait in your car?
We're on number 22.
Let's keep going.
Bummer.
"If the coefficient of X
is greater than that of Y...
...and the coefficient of Y
is greater than that of C...
...then what can be said...
...about the coefficient of X
in relation to the coefficient of C?"
Hold it.
It's time Kevin knew the truth.
Terry moved to Oregon to join a
religious cult she saw on 60 Minutes.
It's all in the letter.
You should go home
and wait for her, Kevin.
Wait, two more problems.
- "If the coefficient of..."
- Hi, Kevin.
Terry, back from the cult.
Where the hell have you been?
You're gonna laugh.
I was upstairs looking for this skirt...
...and I fell asleep in the closet.
What did you do to your hair?
Oh, I cut it.
- Isn't it cute?
- Cute? It's gone!
What are you, drunk?
You are, you're drunk.
What's going on here?
We're supposed to get together.
Kevin. Honey. Angel.
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
When, tonight?
- Let me tuck you in.
- I can't tonight.
I'm working very hard on my article.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll walk you out to the car, okay?
Gee, a walk to the car.
Talk about your wild nights.
It's okay, because while you were
up in the closet getting drunk...
...I got to do algebra!
That's wonderful.
Crazy kids.
Well, alone at last.
Why are you smiling like that?
Because it's party time!
Let's dance! Let's great crazy!
Let's get drunk! Let's get naked!
Buddy, I love a good party,
but something about you worries me.
Linda, you're a nut.
Skinny dip in the pool,
back rub in the bedroom?
Pick a sin, any sin.
It's getting kind of late.
No, it's early.
- Bye.
- Linda, wait.
For God's sake, I vacuumed, Linda!
Buddy, you're a nice guy.
No, not a nice guy.
That's the kiss of death.
I'll see you in algebra.
Thanks for your help.
Linda, wait!
Would it make any difference at all
if I said I was hung like a bear?
It might. Are you?
No, just checking.
Goodbye, Buddy.
I like your hair.
That girl had incredible self-control.
Kevin hates me, Rick hates me.
Everybody hates me except Sandy.
Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
Did you get laid?
I bet I came closer than you did.
Years from now, Linda will look back
on this night and be very sorry.
Good night, Buddy.
Sorry, Spike.
Nothing much, Ma.
I did good on my history test.
Terry's become a transsexual.
She's starting to grow hair
on her chest.
Yeah, just a second.
Hey, Mom wants to talk to you.
She can't talk, Mom.
The doctor advised her
not to speak.
Something hormonal and vocal.
Besides, she's hung-over.
Yeah, she was out drinking
with the guys.
Okay, see you in a week.
We miss you too.
Okay, bye.
She thought I was kidding.
Yo, Rick!
Hi, Terry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Morehouse.
- Rick, Terry's here.
- Sorry about last night.
- Hey, that's okay.
If I was in the sixth grade,
I would have had a big night.
- Come on, we're going out.
- Let me guess.
You got me a hot date
with Sandy's grandmother.
No, listen,
I figured the whole thing out.
There is nothing wrong with you
except for the way you dress.
Terry, it took me an hour
to put this look together.
Yeah, so don't try so hard
next time. Come on.
I don't have any money.
I've got plastic.
You can pay me back.
I just feel kind of weird.
That's because your body's
not used to style.
You'll adjust.
Hey, Deborah, what's shaking?
Hi, Terry.
- Hi.
- Rick.
Yeah, I know.
You look a little different.
Kid went shopping, got a haircut.
Welcome to the '80s.
- Very sharp.
- Thanks.
Deb, what are you doing hanging
around these chump stains?
- Come on, let's go.
- I'll be right there.
- Now, Deborah.
- Just a second.
Greg just likes to act tough.
He doesn't really hate you guys.
Oh, that's no act.
He truly hates us.
Deep down, he's insecure.
Yeah, well, upfront he's an asshole.
Take it easy, Deborah.
What was that, a pity stop?
It's just about showtime, boys.
I'm picking up curious life readings.
- Is it human?
- Unknown.
It seems to be some sort of
carbon-based douche bag.
Gentlemen, relax. Sit down.
Too much stress,
it's not good for your muscles.
Have a nice lunch.
Hey, how you doing?
Nice jacket.
Oh, I'm sorry. Spaghetti too.
I think it stains.
Did I miss something?
Did I miss something?
Why didn't you slug
that asshole anyway?
- He said he was sorry.
- And you believe him?
Benefit of the doubt.
Besides, the guy can lift cars.
- What are you doing?
- What's it look like I'm doing?
Do you have to do that in here?
Felt like the right time,
certainly the right place.
Terry, is this a problem for you?
No, no problem at all.
I was just kidding.
It's just that you look so nice today.
You were perfect.
Hey, isn't this great?
Isn't what great?
Well, you know, here we are...
...a couple of guys
hanging out in the men's room...
...leaning up against the urinals,
talking about broads and fights.
Just like a couple of guys, you know?
This is what you call
typical male bonding.
You know, like Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.
So that's what it is. Yeah, that's great.
I'm glad you told me.
I just wish that Greg Tolan
would join the gang.
Oh, man, I've had it with that jerk.
You want to know about Greg Tolan?
I'll tell you about Greg Tolan.
Greg Tolan is toast.
He can't get away with this.
We gotta get him back.
We and what army?
No violence.
No need to sink to his level.
You see, we have something
that Greg Tolan will never have:
Intelligence.
You know, you're right.
I mean, we're smart.
Okay, Terry, what do we do?
- I don't know.
- Me neither. Oh, boy.
Hey, man, this stuff will kill you.
Try this, you'll live longer.
Thanks.
Looks good.
- I made it myself.
- Gonna finish those fries?
- Buddy?
- Thanks.
- What are you doing here?
- Looking for you.
Rick, this my younger brother,
Buddy.
How you doing?
So this is Rick?
I've heard a lot about you.
A lot.
Buddy, what do you want?
Guess who came by to pick you up
for school this morning?
Your true love.
Kevina. Kevina was very upset
that you left without her.
You know how she worships your
rippling muscles and your hairy chest.
Terry's such a stallion.
Go on.
Show him your hairy chest.
Buddy.
Anyway, Kevina made me promise
to tell you she's picking you up...
...for dinner 7:30 sharp.
So you should
look your handsomest.
Thanks for the message, Bud.
My pleasure.
Well...
...l'm gonna scope out
the local babes.
Hey, Rick, stay real.
Take it easy.
You have a girlfriend
named Kevina?
- Rather exotic, isn't it?
- Stallion.
Hi.
Can I be totally honest with you?
Your touch is the reason
why I went through puberty.
Sit down.
Guys, I just want to apologize
about neglecting you yesterday.
I felt terrible, and I just want you
to know you're still my favorite.
Sit down.
Man, Terry,
this crap has gotta stop.
What are you gonna do?
Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?
Your attention?
Every day at lunch...
...we get a very special treat...
...from a very special guy.
A guy who has dedicated his life...
...to building his body...
...pushing his muscles
to the very limits of human endurance.
Why, you ask? Why?
Well, to be strong enough to lift tables
and spill food. Greg Tolan!
Whoa, wait.
Let's take a moment now
to find out a little bit...
...about the man behind the mask.
Greg. May I call you Greg?
Now tell us, Greg, how did you
first get into spilling food?
Were you a messy baby?
Did you hate your strained peas?
Well, you know, most psychologists
tell us that guys...
...well, they get into bodybuilding to
compensate for either a lack of IQ...
...or a small wienie.
Which is it, Greg?
Well, those of us
in Greg's gym class...
...certainly know the answer
to that one.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
Greg, please!
Hey, isn't he great?
Muscles and a sense of humor!
Well, let's all thank Greg for the many
lunchtime thrills and spills...
...he's given us. All right, everybody,
up! Come on, everybody, up!
Grab the end of your tables!
A tribute to you, Greg.
Lift!
We love you, Greg.
Everybody out! Go on outside!
Now!
- Hold it, clown!
- Come on, Greg. Greg, not now.
It was a joke, people laughed.
Let it slide.
- Stay out of this.
- I am getting real bored...
...watching you push people around.
- Yeah?
- Stick around, it'll get real exciting.
- You know, Terry was right.
- You are an asshole.
- That asshole called me an asshole?
- Oh, now you wanna beat him up too?
- No, I wanna buy him an ice cream.
Can't you ever just be man enough
to walk away?
Watch, I'll show you how it's done.
You got some pudding on your shoes.
You were outstanding! Phenomenal!
So who you gonna ask?
You were outstanding! Phenomenal!
So who you gonna ask?
- Don't start this.
- You're practically a celebrity.
I'm having a really great day.
Please, don't spoil it.
We've gone too far to stop now.
Just ask one more person, anybody.
And then I swear I'll shut up.
- Anybody?
- Anybody.
This is...
This is gonna sound crazy, but...
...what the heck, you know,
it's been a crazy day.
Would you like to go with me
to the prom?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I don't think you
understood the question...
The prom?
I'd love to be your date.
Hi, Terry.
I'm going with Deborah?
I'm going with Deborah.
That's really wonderful.
See, what did I tell you?
You're a great guy.
It's about time
some lucky girl figured it out.
- Let's double. Who you going with?
- Oh, I don't know if I'm going.
You've got to, come on. Sandy.
Oh, no way, man,
that chick is dangerous.
- I don't need to go.
- Yes, you do.
After all you've done for me...
...we've gotta get you a date.
Because, Terry, I'm not going
unless you're going too.
I mean it, I'll tell Deborah right now.
I think I know who to ask.
Okay!
I was wondering, do you have plans
yet for Saturday night?
I'm not sure.
Either I'm jetting to Paris...
...or watching The Love Boat.
Denise.
Will you be my date at the prom?
You are so sexually confused.
- Please, just say you'll go with me.
- Why would you wanna go?
Because I promised Rick.
And if I don't go,
he won't go with Deborah.
Deborah. I am such a jerk.
I thought the whole point
was to get Rick a date.
Yeah, but not her. I mean,
what could he possibly see in her?
- She's totally wrong for him.
- Too pretty?
No, she's trouble.
I guess Rick needs someone
a lot more sensitive.
More like you, right?
Why would I want Rick
when I have Kevin?
Good question.
But do you like him?
Rick's not my type at all.
Sure, with my help,
he's come a long way.
He's stopped buying his clothes
at Nerds 'R' Us.
I know you, Terry, and you like him.
He's research.
My article's due Monday,
I've got a lot of good stuff.
But I still need something
to tie it all together.
Yeah, you like him.
Denise.
Just say you'll go
to the prom with me.
- I'll go to the prom with you.
- Oh, thank you.
I want a limo.
And you can't tell anyone.
Not my friends, not my parents,
no one. Deal?
Look, I'm not proud of this either.
God, look how low I've sunk.
And you know what's really sad is...
...you're the best date
I've had in weeks.
- How do I look?
- Beautiful.
Kevin really loves this outfit.
I wanna look really nice for him.
I guess you two haven't
had much time together...
...since...
...the sex change.
That's cute.
Hey, Denise, what's your rush?
We're young, we're wild.
Let's be young and wild together.
I'd rather get the phone book
and pick a name at random.
Hi, is Terry home?
Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Terry, you got company.
- Come on up, I'm almost ready.
Hey, we could go to your place,
it's cool. I'm very flexible.
- Oh, shit.
- Terry?
Don't come in, I'm dressing.
Ter?
I'll be right out.
Hey, Sandy, what a nice surprise.
These are for you.
They're kissing fish.
To say sorry about the cave.
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
- How did you know where I lived?
- I followed you.
Why don't you go to Pearl?
Oh, I hate that school.
Bunch of snotty rich kids.
Anyway, thanks for the fish.
I'll put them by my bed.
- That's perfect. Is that your room?
- No, it's my little brother's room.
- That's my room over there.
- Let's see how they look.
Help me.
I think they'll look good over here.
Like, this is where you sleep
and do your homework?
Yeah, well, I like pictures of people.
Terry loves tits and ass.
These women
just aren't tits and ass.
Kim reads Vonnegut.
And Luanne,
Luanne despises toxic waste.
Don't let him fool you,
hardcore sex maniac.
Well, Terry treated me
with nothing but respect.
Very special.
Yeah, he's one of a kind, my bro.
Hey, I wonder
if that could be your pal, Kevin.
Yeah, Kevin. Why don't you go
downstairs and tell Kevin...
...l'm not quite ready and could he
please wait for me in the car.
I tried that once.
He doesn't like waiting in cars.
Thanks for stopping by, but
as you can see, I really am in a rush.
First there's something else
I have to give you.
- Nothing could top these fish.
- Don't be so sure.
Oh, my God, the fish! Were they fed
today? Look at those hungry eyes.
They're kissing.
They're turning cannibal.
Here. Feed them this, and I'll see
what I have in the kitchen.
You guys like pizza?
Buddy! Kevin!
Here she is.
- What are you doing here so early?
- It's 7:30, I'm right on time.
Seven-thirty? I could have sworn
you said 8:30.
I'll tell you what, I'll go get ready,
and you come back in an hour.
Terry, you know damn well
I said 7:30.
You said you'd be ready
and dressed to kill.
So why do you look like hell?
I don't know.
Buddy, can I see you for a minute?
"I don't know"?
You're so great under pressure.
Listen, a half-naked woman's in your
room feeding the fish. She's all yours.
- Sounds too kinky for me.
- Budster, I need you. She needs you.
- You need her.
- Is she really half-naked?
- Maybe more now.
- What if you're lying?
- What if I'm not?
- Good point.
If I'm not back in a week,
forward my mail.
Kevin, darling!
Hello.
Where's Terry?
Gone. This isn't the first time
that androgynous sleaze-bucket...
...has broken
a beautiful girl's heart.
I am so embarrassed.
Why? The room's full
of naked women.
Wait, would you feel more comfortable
if I took my shirt off?
What a nice girl.
We can't go to Giovanni's
with you dressed like that.
Sure we can. We'll get it to go.
A long time ago I knew
this girl named Terry...
...she wore dresses and makeup.
She was hot.
Then one day she disappeared.
Do you know where she went?
She's right here.
You know, I'm still the same person.
And is that all you care about,
that I'm hot?
No, that's not all I care about.
Look, I'm under pressure,
my article's due Monday.
What is it with this article? It's nice
to have a hobby, but let's get serious.
A hobby?
I didn't mean...
...hobby like just a hobby, I...
I meant hobby
like an important hobby.
Well...
...how do I look?
- Dashing.
My zipper's open.
That was the dashing part.
- Budmeister, are you okay?
- No, Terry, I'm not.
Mom and Dad come home Monday.
I've had two weeks of total freedom.
The closest I've come to sex was a girl
who took her top off to seduce you.
What's wrong with me?
Not a thing.
Listen, sex is not that big a deal.
I'd like to form my own opinion.
It'll happen.
I know this place that delivers.
Massage Delight or something.
Can I borrow $200?
Buddy, why don't you just call up
the guys and go to the mall?
I'd rather wallow in my virginity.
Buddy, you know I can't answer it.
Please, this is almost over.
Yeah?
Yeah, Terry's here.
I'll see if it can talk.
It's Mr. Wonderful.
Hi, Kevin.
No, I can't tonight.
Listen, we have to have
a serious talk.
Yes, it's about us.
Listen, can we talk about this
later? I gotta go...
Bye, Kevin.
Mr. Wonderful is Mr. History?
All right.
I'm having such a good time,
no one here knows I used to be fat.
Tell me again how Rick
and Deborah belong together.
- Rick and Deborah belong together.
- What a crock!
He's doing it again,
he keeps giving me looks!
Thank you, you're very special.
We'll be right back.
He wants to talk to me,
do you mind if I go?
- No, really, go ahead.
- You're a great date.
Hey, Sandy.
About the other night, I feel like
a visitor from the planet of the sluts.
Hey, that's okay.
We all make mistakes.
Hi, Deb.
Greg.
You're dead.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, parsley for eight, please.
- They're so cute.
- Yeah.
- I don't think they're hungry.
- Hi.
They really do prefer
mealworms or flies.
How could she do that to you?
We don't have a real commitment.
- She can date whoever she wants.
- In the middle of the prom?
Oh, there you are.
He's so excited, it's his first prom.
Terry?
- All right, where is she?
- It's that darn cult again.
They have her totally brainwashed.
- Wanna split her records?
- Tell me now or tell me in the hospital!
I'm suddenly remembering.
If I tell you where she is,
you gotta take me with you.
I don't want to miss this.
- Let's go.
- Wait.
It's kind of formal, I've gotta change.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, as chairwoman of the prom
committee, it's now my pleasure...
...to announce
your prom king and queen.
The envelopes, please.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this year's prom queen is...
Deborah Strowbridge.
Hey, I swear to God, I'm not lying.
Okay, all right,
and this year's prom king is:
- It's Greg Tolan.
- Yeah.
All right, Greg! Way to go, Greg.
Congratulations, Greg.
Thank you, Deborah.
You know,
now that I take a good look...
...they do make a nice couple.
- Normally we have a traditional...
...king and queen's dance, but as
chairwoman of the prom committee...
...l've decided that
that's a stupid tradition.
So everybody dance!
Come on, Rick.
May I cut in?
Tolan, you're a creep.
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna scratch your eyes out!
Help!
You dumb ox, you're in trouble!
Help me!
Put me down! Put me down!
Shit, where did these guys
learn to fight?
Okay, tough guy,
you want a piece of me now?
My back's not turned the other way.
- Nice tux, you'll look good buried in it.
- Come on.
No pain, no gain.
Hey, Ter.
- Buddy.
- I missed you.
- Terry, are you all right?
- Kevin?
Hey, Sandy!
What are you doing here,
in a tuxedo?
Please go home, I'll call you tonight.
- Who is this guy?
- Terry's boyfriend, who are you?
Just a friend.
We can work this out.
I know you still love me.
No, I don't. I love someone else.
- Whoa, thanks, but no, thanks.
- Look, we belong together. You're my...
Hold that thought. Can I talk to you for
one brief moment? I'll be right back.
- What's going on?
- Wait, it gets better.
Yeah, big night, huh?
- I bet you're a little confused.
- I think I understand.
I know I should have
told you sooner, but...
...I didn't.
- I'm a...
- Terry, I know.
You're gay.
I'm not gay.
Wait a minute, now I'm confused.
I'm a girl. I'm a woman.
Right, and I'm Cyndi Lauper.
Could we please go back
to the prom now?
I'm a female, I swear.
- Wait, are those what I think they are?
- I'm sorry.
Where do you get off having tits?
There was this contest,
and I needed to prove it...
...but then I stayed and I met you,
and you're so wonderful that...
- Shit, I can't believe this.
- Rick, I know you're mad.
But I think you're terrific, and your
friendship means so much to me...
...that I just...
- Then this whole thing was bullshit.
Major bullshit.
Rick, wait.
You've gotta understand how much
you mean to me, believe me.
Right, Terrence, because
you've been so honest up till now.
- So how's the fish?
- Great, I put a frogman in the bowl.
And you know what?
They really do love pizza.
- Rick, can't you just forgive me?
- No, I can't.
Rick.
It's okay, everybody. It's all right.
- He has tits.
- What?
Come on, Deborah, let's go.
Whoa, 9:15 already.
Well, gotta go.
Had a lovely time,
have a nice prom.
Hi.
- You're probably here with a date.
- Yeah.
Thanks, son.
Buddy, why'd you bring Kevin?
Good evening.
Hey, no problem.
Just a couple of nice all-American
kids experimenting with sex.
- You remember Sandy, the fish girl?
- Hi.
Hello.
You know, my voyage
of self-discovery...
...has ended in despair.
Hey, that's so interesting, really.
Could you shut the light off, please?
I'm seeing Julian
again this weekend.
He is so cool.
- I can't believe I finally lucked out.
- Denise, he is the lucky one.
Hey, Terry...
...is it true you broke up
with that college guy?
- It's true.
- You wanna go out Saturday night?
I'm sorry, but I'm really not ready.
What about Sunday,
you think that's enough time?
Thanks.
Terry, you have to snap out of this.
I will.
Just may take me a couple of years.
Terry.
I really liked your article.
Especially the part on how you can
be cool even if you don't dress cool.
I feel the same way.
You wanna go out sometime?
I'm really not ready yet.
Thanks anyway.
Shelley, wait up.
Terry, could you come
in here please?
Mr. Raymaker.
Come into my office.
I read your article in the Sun-Tribune.
- Congratulations on winning.
- Thanks.
It was real good.
- And I'm sorry I misjudged you.
- You don't have to apologize.
I wouldn't have this job
if it weren't for you.
You forced me to fight for
what I wanted...
...and I will never forget you for that.
Thank you.
I learned a lot too.
What about that kid you wrote
the article about, Rick?
He hates me.
Well, that's too bad.
You really like him, don't you?
Why do you say that?
I read your article.
Don't worry, I'm a stunt driver,
I do this for a living.
Swift parking job, Bud.
- And you're late.
- Yeah, I ran out of gas.
But don't worry,
I put a buck's worth in, on me.
Terry, it's summer, smile.
My face hurts when I smile.
Listen to me, O sister of my loins.
I've got a driver's license
and a sex life.
You've got the job of your dreams
and a chauffer.
Life is sweet, let's get an ice cream.
It's for you.
You look very good in a dress.
Very good.
I thought you hated me.
I missed you.
I read your article. Do you...
...still feel the same way about me?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Why don't we go out
and have some fun?
You know, maybe we could go
dancing Friday night?
Wait a minute.
I'm the guy here.
Let me just try this, okay?
Why don't we go out dancing
Friday night?
What an original idea.
- Hey, you wanna go for a ride?
- Yeah.
As long as I get to drive.
Come on, Buddy.