Life Is Sweet (1990) Movie Script

Alright Suzi
are you ready?
Just a little bit that
way darling, that's it
Ok after four
One, two, three, four
Round, stretch
#You make me
feel so happy#
That's a good
girl Lucy
#You make me
feel so good#
#You make me feel
like dancing#
#And I'm losing
#You make me
feel electric#
#You make me
feel a babe#
#So why don't
you invite me#
#On a holiday#
#Happy happy happy holidays#
Get your legs up
Stretch right up like you're stretching
for sweets on the top shelf
#Happy happy holidays why don't
you take me on a holiday with you#
Come on, enjoy yourself
Hands on your
hip like that
Yeah that's it
and the other one
Now wave with
both hands
That's it
Very good, come on Laura
you can be leader now
Right out here
stick to the edges that's right
Let's have a bit of a
bum swing from you
Above your heads
come on hands up
Oh swing those bums
That's it
and you're doing that
cleaning your mums windows
and then you see
your best friend
So your shouting out
Hi it's me, I'm here
Say hi
Say it's me
I'm here
Give me a five pound note
I want to go and
spend it on sweets
I thought that would
get you smiling
I thought you
would like that
Come on who's going to
be the leader now then
Right come
on then
Time to
go home
Not too much of a rush now
I don't want you tripping over
Right get your coats and
shoes outside as usual
Alright do you want to put
your little cardigan on Suzi?
Eh put it on
'cause you might get a little chill
You've got your
sleeves inside out
Get your
coats now
If you can't reach your
bags I'll get them down
That's it put your cardy on
hope your headache's better soon
Alright bye
darling bye
My bags
next door
Your bags next door?
Alright don't worry
Who's is the
green coat?
Come on
Isn't it hot?
Tell you what Andy, your lucky
I'm not in the hospital
That door swung back an
nearly took me head off again
It's the hinge
isn't it
Yeah it's that
catch, it's gone
I'll have a
look at it later
It's lethal
Oh I wish you would do
something with this porch
I will do
It's embarrasing
Just got to get the rest
of the timber, that's all
Oh And, you've been
saying that for two years
Take these boards up to here
bang a bit of trellis on the outside
Slap a coat of
white paint on it
Get some nice creepers
growing up it'll look lovely
I don't want trellis Andy,
it'll look like a Chinese restaurant
It'll be nice
Oh shut that door it's freezing
Oh you finished
have you?
Nah I'm still
in the bath
surprise me
Made a mess
have you?
Oh hello
Where you been?
Hello Nat
What you been doing?
Want a little
sandwich Andy?
Yeah what
you got?
Cheese and toastie?
Yeah lovely
Still got me glasses on,
thought I was going blind
Here you are
Tadaa chocolate!
You're chocoholic
you are
You are, I could give it
up tomorrow no trouble
Do you want coffee?
No thanks
Do you want a little sandwich Nat?
Do you want pickle?
Course I want pickle
Gonna get out there this afternoon
finish off that patio
Oh don't give me heart
attack Andy please
I will, make a start
What did
you get Nat?
A shirt
Is this it?
Can I have a look?
If you
want to
Oh it's nice
Yeah it's alright isn't it
Why do you always
get a man's?
'cause I
like them
Suits me
thanks alot Nat
Funny man
It's not
for me?
No it's
not for you
Oh shame I thought
my luck had changed
You should get a nice
blouse, short sleeves
Show yourself
off a bit
Shut up
Don't listen to her
Nat -
Did you get
me those fags?
Why not?
I told you, if you want to smoke
you can get your own fags
Well could you lend
me some money?
How much?
A tenner
What's it for?
Alright, a fiver
Well what do
you want it for?
Mind your
own business
Suit yourself
You'll be charging
interest next
Yeah it's a
good idea
When did you
get that?
This morning
it's alright isn't it?
Nah, it looks like
a tea towel
Yeah I was quite
pleased with it myself
Hey Andy guess what
I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit
what's it y'know and I thought to myself
Oh blimey don't tell me
I'm in the family way
Oh Jesus Christ
What's the family way
supposed to mean?
You know
what it means
No, I know what
pregnant means
You don't half
talk some rubbish
Well, silly
little sayings
Oh shut up
You shut up
I was lying there Andy
I thought to myself
Aw I would love
another little baby
You're too old to have
a baby ain't you?
Course not
You may not be
I am
You wouldn't see me
for dust, I tell you
Oh don't Andy
don't be rotten
Typical, typical man
Oh shut up, what do
you know about men?
Anyway I thought
to myself ah nevermind
I'll just have to wait
till I'm a Grandma
You're going to have a long wait
Who would want them?
Oh that's nice
Stick a couple of brown paper
bags over their heads
Might be able to flog them
off cheap, sight unseen
Anyway I'm not
going to waste my life
No? What're you
doing now then?
Contributing a great deal aren't you
sitting around on your arse all day
Yeah well I'm
thinking about it
Oh yeah thinking about it that's the easy bit isn't it
anyone can do that it's doing it that's difficult
Shame though isn't it
They were such lovely
little dolly what's it's
Sitting there in their
matching little outfits
My little Natalie and
my little Nicola
and now look at them
Oh get a sick bucket
and when you have a bath Nicola, don't leave
the towels on the bathroom floor stinking wet
Here we go
Well how many times
have I got to tell you?
It's just two simple
little movements
Down and up and pop
it on the towel rail
Don't be patronising
and I won't tell you again about
using my cotton wool balls
Oh don't be
so selfish
What do you want two baths
a day for anyway?
What, are you
taking their side now?
I'm not taking anyone's side
I'm just asking you a simple question
Yeah well don't
Here you are And
Oh cheers
Here you are Nat
Don't light that cigarette
Nicola, we're eating
Don't eat
It's lunch time, that's what
you do at lunchtime eat
What's lunchtime anyway?
It's only a convention
Nicola if you want to smoke while
we're eating go up to your room alright
Anyway if you smoked less and you ate more
you wouldn't be sitting there looking like a skeleton
It's better than looking
like a beached whale
Oh thank you
Anyway your Dad likes something
to grab hold of of the night
What blubber?
Me little
love handles
We got a set each
ain't we Andy
Oh you're disgusting
Oh shut up
Those sandwiches stink
Listen Nicola I told you if you don't
like it you know what you can do
Yeah well I'm going -
Well go
on then
In a minute
You can't
go can you?
What's keeping
you Nicola? eh?
She's bored
See you want to be with us
so why don't you just act normal
How about having a little go
at the patio today? Please
Not today Wen
Why not?
It's gonna
rain ain't it
It don't look
like rain to me
I don't want to get all me sand and cement
out and have it piss down on me, do I?
Well have a go at the bathroom then
finish off me tiling
Yeah could do -
Hang on hang on -
Ain't got
no grout
Oh typical
Well I can
get you grout
Eh? -
From work
Well no not today
it's Sunday, tomorrow
Water-proof grout?
Of course it's gonna be water-proof
grout, it's for a bathroom
Yeah there's grout and there's
water-proof grout isn't there
Allow me to know
Just make sure what you
get is water-proof grout
Don't panic, I'll get
you water-proof grout
Great, I'll do it
next weekend
Can I have that
in writing please
I have to say Wend
this lamb is delicious
Oh is it? good
and the tiles are in the cupboard
under the stairs right
Nice and pink, beautiful isn't it -
Yeah it's nice
Are you eating
yours missus
What's it
to you?
She cooked it
that's what it is to her
Oh shut up
goodie two shoes
What's it like in the first class
dining compartment then?
Listen if I choose to eat in my own
space that's my perogative, right
Hey do you want a
glass of low calorie H20?
Just leave
her alone
Oh there
she goes
It's the year
of the horse
Oh yeah, do you
want some more?
Do you want some?
Yeah go
on then
Cut me a nice big juicy slice
you know that I like mine nice and juicy
No you can't
rush him
Yeah he's happy going
at that speed isn't he
Yeah, dead slow
and stop
It's the door
Well answer it
It's that
Patsy bloke
Open the
door Nicola
No I don't
know him
Course you
know him
Go on I've got wet hands -
Tell you what Nicola
you're an awkward cow
Oh don't
be sexist
Oh hello Patsy -
Hello Wendy
Sorry to bother you on
a Sunday like but eh...
I was wondering if Andy was in -
Only I was hoping to catch him down
in the boozer like but I got a bit held up
Oh yeah
Had to go down
and see me old Mum
Oh did you
Yeah he's down the
bottom of the garden
Oh -
Do you want to see him?
Yeah alright
Here come
in then
Thanks very
much, terrific
Hello girls
Hello boys
Hang on
a minute
Patsy's here -
Ah there he is, I'll just slip out
and see him if that's alright
Yeah that's alright
Patsy go on
Just watch yourself on that little step -
That's the
one yeah
Andrew -
Hello Patsy how are you?
He must be in
a right state
He's had about
ten pints
Good job he's been
banned from driving
Nice hairstyle
Aw I bet his Wife did
those little streaks
She must of got one of them what's it's
one of them 3.99 kits from the chemists
What you let
him in for eh?
What was I
supposed to do?
I tell you what though
I wouldn't trust him
I wouldn't trust anyone
wearing a suit like that
They cost about 300 quid
them suits y'know
What does he
do anyway?
He doesn't do
anything he's unemployed
Can have me hands on
anything in here, you name it
Bit of old rope
Christmas tree, guitar
Ah the old one armed
guitar player eh
Yeah I was gonna fix it up
put a new neck on it, new set of strings
Basically it's
a good box
Mothers don't let your children
grow up to be cowboys
Listen Andy eh do you want to
get yourself out the house for a while?
Hello my friend
I love them
She can't stand them
won't let them through the door
We got
two of them
Car boot sale
Here have you got
twenty minutes have you?
What for?
I've got
something for you
Listen Patsy whatever it is
I swear to God I can't afford it, I'm broke
Andrew I am advising you to
accompany me to a certain place
Where I'm going to
show you something
What is it?
I am not prepared to
reveal that at this stage
Why not?
It's a surprise
What is this?
Come on
do us a favour
Give us
a clue
No, shtoom is the word
if you don't go you'll never know
Be there or
be square
Alright, suit yourself
I'll see you
in a minute
How long are
you going to be
We'll be right back -
Where you going?
I don't know
Where're you
taking him Patsy?
Don't worry Wendy
a little magical mystery tour
Eh Andy you've still
got your hat on
Blimey, catch
Sure you two
haven't got a woman
What with
my luck?
What with a
beautiful girl like you?
Heard it
all before
See ya later
Dad, get us
twenty silk cut
Get your own -
Selfish pig
Oh it's
nice and hot
It's a bit
bright isn't it
That's it
That's right
Come on
get in
What can't get it in the hole?
hahaha shut up
Relax Andy relax
Oh hi Natalie
It's Nicola
Oh yeah sorry
I brought
a pineapple
What for?
For your Mum, y'know
Do you want
to come in?
Yeah thanks
very much
Shut the door
Oh yeah
There you go
Nobody in?
Do you want
to sit down?
Yeah yeah
thanks very much
So Andrew
what do you think?
I think it's a load of old crap
that's what I think
What's the matter with it? -
Look at the state of it
Nah, coat of paint
You're looking at
the future mate
This could be the catalyst
that sparks the revolution
This is what you've
always wanted
I want this like I want
a hole in the head
This is your chance to
break out of the rat race
We should
get a cat
Get another
cat like Tigger
What a little kitten? -
I don't want a moggy
scratching all me furniture
Why do you
want a cat?
I don't know
why I said it really
We could get a big Rottweiller
then it might eat Nicola
That's a
good idea
That's one way
of getting rid of her
We should
get a crocodile
My hair's
falling out
Yeah well stop
pulling it then
It still
falls out
It's really
nice hair
Are you taking
the piss?
No I mean it
I'm sincere
You're a really
attractive girl y'know
No I'm not
I'm too fat
Fat? What is fat?
It's all in the mind
Do you want
to put it down
I think it's on the turn
but I didn't want to waste it
I had a few ideas
but, y'know
Why didn't
you eat it?
Great knees
Look at this
rust every where
There you go
lightning striking a cup of tea
It's falling apart the strong winds
the roof would come off
Here you are
have a look inside
I'm not going in there mate
I value my health to much
No no feel free
No way
Ripe isn't it
It's just a bit musty
needs a bit of air through it
I bet there's
something died in here
Are you sure this is
on the level Patsy?
Of course it is it
belongs to my brother
Look the
old griddle
Ah there she
is, beautiful
Haven't seen
those in a while
Ah she's still in
good nick though
You must be joking
it's fucked isn't it
It's got everything
you need in here
I'm making a tea Nicola
do you want one?
Oh hello Aubrey -
Hello Wendy
What're you
doing here?
I brought you
a pineapple
Oh did you?
Oh isn't it a big one
Andy's not here
He's just popped out
How long have
you been here?
Oh fifteen
twenty minutes
Oh you
haven't Aubrey
Straight up
Nicola -
Why didn't you tell me Aubrey was here
you knew I was sitting out the back
No I never
Yes you did
Are you
calling me a liar?
Yes I am
calling you a liar
I thought you had
gone for a walk
Don't be so stupid I've never
been for a walk in me life have I
Sorry about this Aubrey -
No sweat
Come and have a little
seat in the garden
Take your coat off
get the sun on yourself
Well she's
a nice girl
Yeah nice with her
head in a bucket
Look at that
Tell you what mate I'll let you have
these comestibles for nothing
I promise
you Andy
You go down White Hart Lane
on a Saturday for the home games
A man of your skills
a couple of hundred beef burgers
You'll make a fortune
I'm telling you
Excuse me guvnor
I'll have 4 hamburgers
3 egg burgers
A sausage roll and onion
a bacon egg and cheese roll
A tea, a bovril
and a large vodka
Sold to the man
with the beard
I have to admit Patsy
I am tempted
No regrets
No regret rien
Oh yeah that's what
I remember yeah
She sang it
in French
Yeah she was
from France
She was thin
She was thin
she was French
She dead though
ain't she
Yeah she was
a prostitute
Shut up
The sparrow
Yeah the little sparrow
that's right yeah
So are you all
set then Aubrey?
Got all your little menus
printed up and everything?
Oh yeah -
Yeah good
No I haven't actually
Oh blimey
when do you open?
Well it only gives you
a couple of days
How's everyone meant to know
what they want to eat
They might not
want to eat
Oh here
we go
Don't be stupid
it's a restaurant
It's alright by me if they don't want to eat
they can bask in the atmosphere
Oh blimey you're not going to make
much profit that way Aubrey
No manger-e
no sweat
That's daft
No it aint
Why don't they
eat in Paris then?
Good one
I'll come
down to six
Right three hundred
So I'll give you three hundred now
and fifty when I've checked out the gear
Five hundred
Four hundred
Four fifty
Four twenty five
Alright done - right-
it's a deal
Hang on hang on
drop the wheel
Drop the wheel
there you go
and up
Hey how about that
sweet as a nut
Just get parked up
be right back
Off you go
Oh Andy
What do
you think?
Oh Andy
you haven't
She loves
it Patsy
Look at it, mobile goldmine
I can feel it in me water
Oh Andy you're
joking me?
I'm not, I promise
God's truth, no word of a lie
Have you
bought it?
Yeah good
isn't it?
No -
What do
you reckon?
Not much
Andy it's a heap
of rubbish
What do
you mean?
Well look at it
It's got
character isn't it
I love it
It's disgusting
It's ecologically
You're ecologically
What do you
reckon Nat?
It's embarrassing
Nah, you and me
soon get it licked into shape
You must
be joking
It's all rusty
No no Wendy
that is just superficial
Know what
I mean
Bit of treatment, nice coat of paint
it'll come up lovely
This is you
isn't it?
Oh Patsy
Excuse me mate
if you don't mind
Oh yeah
yeah cool
Isn't it great Aub?
Yeah yeah
yeah it's eh
The possibilities
are eh..y'know
Yeah it's all there, the works
all you need
Where're you going to keep it Andy?
'cause you're not keeping it here
Get a lock-up
or something
I'll be right with you mate
just give me what's it's
What's going
on Patsy?
Well how much is he
paying you for it then?
Well that is not for
me to say Wendy
You're behaving
like a big kid
Don't be cheeky
Alright Patsy
Andy where're
you going?
Ten minutes Wend
Where're you going
I'll be right back -
Bye bye Wendy
What's he doing?
Getting conned
As usual
Aubrey are
you alright?
Oh blimey
I thought you had
copped it then
Yeah sorry it went
up on me there
I wondered what
was happening and...
Have a
cup of tea
Ah jackpot
There you
go mate
Thanks very
much Andy
Alright mate I'll see
you through the week
Don't you
want a lift?
Nah I've got to
go and see me old Mum
Alright -
Y'know what I mean
Alright cheers
all the best
To be honest
with you
It's worth far more in scrap value alone
than what I paid for it
So what did you
pay for it then?
Well..what I done I mean I haven't
actually.. it depends what you mean by
See he's not
cracking on Aubrey
No no no I know
what I'm doing
Ha ha could
of fooled me
Well I hope you didn't pay
more than ten quid for it
Well I paid more than ten quid for it
yeah but look at it, it's an investment
So what do you think
about it Aubrey?
Yeah mate
Now be honest
Yeah gilt edged
See Aubrey
knows the game
Can't go wrong
Ronald McDonald had to
start somewhere didn't he
Oh blimey it's old Big Mac
sitting here look
So when are we going to
see your restaurant then Aub
you like
Have a
little nose
Yeah before you open
if you want any advice
He wants it to
be a success Dad
Shut up -
I'd love you to
see my restaurant
Don't get me wrong
I'm confident
Infact I'm
mega confident
Oh are you?
I just haven't had any
outside input y'know
Oh haven't you?
We could go
now Wend
Yeah alright
He might want
to stay here
Well what does he
want to stay here for?
He can do
what he likes
We can go now
yeah cool
Well yeah yeah
yeah great
Just give me us minute
to powder my nose then
Andy have
you fell in?
We've seen it all
before y'know
He fell in
the water
Prat -
Boring git
Shut up
You're going to break a leg
one of these days Andy
You alright Andy?
Yeah mate just
mucking about
Oh blimey
I thought we were
going to take off then
I've got no handles I can't get out -
Yeah I know that's why I'll have to come around
Hey Andy I thought we
were going to fly then
I can't get
it up ooh
That's fantastic isn't look
look Wend tres exclusive
It's nice Andy -
Yeah great
It's in good nick isn't it -
I like the lamps
Oh that's where you're going
to keep your little menus is it in there?
Yeah I can't find
the key though
Well you need
a key Aub
What is it?
Aw it's a little
pet cat look
It's a little moggy
Aw bless him
Yeah it's
fantastic isn't it
I was going to
put this up here
Oh you can't
No not in a restaurant Aubrey
it'll put people off their food
No it'll smell -
See what I'm going
for here is eh..
The street
Eh the War -
and I've got these accordians
from a car boot sale
and I'm going to stick
them up there and eh
They are going to
represent the eh
Music of Paris
Do they
work Aubrey?
No they're
I got the three of them
for 17.50 y'know
They saw you
coming mate
Yeah well
the birdcages
I'm going to hang them
up all over the ceiling
Yeah you've got a
load of them ain't you
They're going to eh
The sparrow
Oh I like
the bike
Oh yeah ah
isn't it novel
It's brilliant
isn't it
The old onion seller
That's in the
wrong place
Oh blimey
Is this the original
French article Aubrey?
Yeah yeah
No it was my Dads actually
yeah it was in the shed
Aww isn't that
nice Andy
Aww he would of been
proud of you Aubrey
No I don't think he would
of cared less Wendy y'know
He was a nasty
old bastard
Here look
at this
Oh you've got
a fish tank look
That's good
isn't it
Oh yeah
I thought they
were real
So did I
Oh fish look a bit
unfit don't they
The water's
murky isn't it
Yeah I'm going to put a
couple of lobsters in there
So people can choose them and I'm
going to cook them in over a minute y'know
Nice one
Yeah so where are you
going to put your prawns then?
Is that all?
just one?
King prawn
Oh sorry
Anyway you like
Wendy y'know
It's all a matter of what
picture you want to paint
You having all
black plates then?
Yeah, great canvas
What sort of sauce are
you using there Aub?
Basically jam blended
with orange juice
Orange juice
What's that white
stuff? cream?
Nah it's fromage frais isn't it -
Is it?
I think you'll find that fromage
frais will bubble on you And
It needn't
I acheived this
effect by eh
and squeezing
Oh don't be
so dirty
Until you've got a
nice symmetrical circle
and eh
Then we eh
Chisel in the pattern with the end of
a knife and Bob's your Uncle it's ready to set
Aw it looks nice
though Andy
Your grill's in a bit
of a state Aubrey
Is it?
Oh yeah the girl
can do all that
When they starting
then your girls?
The dogsbody tommorow
then the waitress on Tuesday
Oh right -
Great team
Ah I love your
little candles
Bistro effect
isn't it
Yeah they're great
ain't they
I've been trying to get
them all the same length
But eh
I keep forgetting to blow them out
y'know and have to start all over again
I've been through
12 boxes this week
Ah that'll be your
first little booking
Here we go
Hello the
Regret Rien
Oh hi Hilary
How are you? are you in the
starting blocks raring to go? great
You what?
Hang on
a minute
Say that again
Look at the state
of this place
Aww shame
isn't it
I don't think he'll
be ready y'know
You want to see
the ladies toilet
Still, all credit to him -
Aw bless him yeah
Puts the old caravan
in perspective doesn't it
Aw Andy please
don't remind me
What do
you mean?
Well I don't want it sitting there
do I for 2 years blocking my view
Nah this has
inspired me
I want to get back
get down to work, get stuck in
Pigs might fly
Fuck you
What's up mate?
Do you want
a cigar Andy?
No thanks mate
I don't use them
Wendy would
you like a liquor
No ta no
I'm fine
Who's that then?
My waitress
What the big girl? - yeah
The Aussie? - yeah
No Kiwi
Fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck
Got to laugh
ain't you
What's the
matter then?
She's eh
let me down y'know
How do
you mean?
She's going away
with her boyfriend
She was phoning
from Heathrow
Where's she going
Flipping Prague
Oh that's
not right
No that's not on mate -
No sorry
It's great
isn't it
You give someone a break
a chance to better themselves
An opportunity to enter
into brave new venture
and what do
they do?
Piss off
to Poland
Well that's typical Aussie
isn't it, travellers
It's Czechoslovakia
isn't it, Prague?
is it?
It's alright
I can cope
I can do it on my own -
No you can't
Yes I can I've come this far
so far solo I can go the whole hog
I can wait on table
I can do that, I'm not proud
I can eat in a
fucking kitchen
Aubrey Aubrey
calm down calm down
What you got to do
you got to get onto an agency
Get a waitress over here to cover you
til you get yourself sorted out
Yeah 'cause you need
that little support
That's right
It's alright Andy
Everything's hunkydory
I'm in complete
If ever I
see her again
I'll stick a
knife in her guts
I'll slice her
face off y'know
Whoah whoah
whoah whoah whoah
Jesus Christ don't the
neighbours complain?
My eardrums please -
oh dear
Sorry sorry
I got over excited
I am so grateful
thank you
Really really from the deepest
part of my heart, thank you
Aubrey shut up right -
No no I'm sincere
Now listen
You're in trouble, right? and I'm helping you
out 'cause that's what friends are for
That's right
isn't it Andy
It's it's
it's amazing
But you haven't even done
bar work Wend, let's be honest
No but I'm confident
I can have a go
Let's face it, have you
ever been a waitress?
No -
But I've been waiting on
you all these years haven't I so
To be totally honest Andy I think
Wendy will be a natural y'know
She's got such grace and charm -
Thank you Aubrey
Excuse me are we
talking about the same girl?
Don't be
Eh listen, what
have I got to wear?
waitress uniform
What? little French
maids outfit?
Eh Andy look
at his face
No anything you
like Wendy y'know
Comme ci comme ca
come casual
What? skirt and blouse
type of thing yeah?
Yeah great
See if you've got
anything in pink Wend
Oh shut up you
Listen, aren't you
going to pay me?
Oh yeah
How much?
25 a week
You're joking me
Leave it out
What time's that flight to Prague? -
Yeah we'll be on it
No no no
No you don't
That's just a basic for the
paperwork, the tax-man y'know
How do
you mean?
Well you get to keep all your tips
that's 12 and a half percent
and if you don't get at least a 100
a week I'll make up the difference
Oh that's
not bad
Oh that sounds alright yeah
that'll go towards the holiday
I don't want to talk
about money anyway
You can have what you like
1000 a week y'know
Yeah alright
you're on
Well y'know
what I mean
Is this your passion
pit then Aub?
Oh yeah this is where he
brings all the girls Andy
This is the only room
I've had decorated
Oh yeah it's nice though isn't it, this
is what I call a proper boys room y'know
Great bed
How many
does it hold?
Oh careful
Oh dear me
You alright mate?
What're you doing?
coming up for air?
Thought I'd
lost that
What are you looking
for fivers down there?
No all I'm
saying Andy
Is I think you
made a big mistake
That's all
Little beauty
ain't she
I mean if you got
yourself a bank loan
and bought a really
decent van that's one thing
But buying this I mean you're
throwing good money after bad
Have we got
any bin bags?
I mean look at
all this it's rubbish
What do you think I want the
bin bags for? of course it's rubbish
It's all rubbish
I know that
That's why I want to get this lot
cleared out then I can see what I've got
Well I'm sorry Andy I can't
get any enthusiasm for it
I know you can't
it's obvious
To be honest with you I
would appreciate if you could
Could do with a bit
of moral support
You'll have to get
a license y'know
and I tell you what if you
park this on someone elses pitch
You're going to get
yourself duffed over
I can look
after myself
Oh can you?
Have you ever seen those hot dog fellas
they're all like that
Don't know what
you're talking about
Lipstick's a
bit bright Nat
Oh very amusing
Where're you going?
Have one
for me
Staying in?
Yeah he's got to save up now
pay for this heap of what's it
So long as
he's happy
That's right Nat
thanks alot much appreciated
That's alright
Going in
I'm freezing
Tell you
what Andy
Hope it don't rain tonight, you'll
need your snorkel in here in the morning
I think she likes it
don't you?
Yeah she's
over the moon
See ya -
See ya
Have a
good time
Have another shot then
Oh very flash
Oh Andy
Well you're not paying
him anymore alright?
Look, do you want me to carry on doing my
brain in at that bloody place for the rest of my life?
No of course
I don't
So I'll give it a go
at the weekends
and if it works out
I'll jack in the day job
Andy you can't jack in your day job before
you've got something definite to go to right?
On a bank holiday
weekend I could make
Two? two and a half
thousand quid
Oh Andy
You're just a
big softy you are
Well who's to say, alright it's a risk
I admit that but it's a risk worth taking isn't it?
I suppose if the worst comes to the worst
we could always go on our holidays in it
That's right, reconvert it
to an ordinary caravan
Stick a couple
of bunk beds in it
Have a little
bunk up
Oh yes please
Eh how about
How about
five hundred quid y'know
Bouncing up and
down on his bed
Orthopedic y'know
Orthopedic y'know
Tell you, you want to watch out
for Aubrey in that kitchen
He'll come up behind you
with a cucumber
Listen I don't think it'll be a cucumber
he'll be coming up behind me with
Well maybe you
fancy him I don't know
Oh you're joking
I'm not that desperate
Aw bless him
I feel sorry
for him actually
He's not a bad
bloke Aubrey
What're you doing?
I like it
do it again
I'm not doing anything
I'm not
Go on then
Has Nicola come
to bed yet?
Yeah I
think so
Oh I tell you
what Andy
She gets me in a
right state that girl
I heard myself shouting at her
this morning and I thought this isn't me
I don't recognise myself
y'know it's horrible
Good job they're
not identical
Oh blimey yeah
Oh I used
to think
It'll be so nice to go
to discos together and...
Bring the
boyfriends home
I won't let
you go
Buttered muffins
Alright my friend
Don't run
More colour
Chop chop
Are you happy in your work Chef? -
Over the moon mate
Someone's got to do it
and at this stage it happens to be you
and you've got
two little chunky legs
and you're lovely
and you're going to
grow up to be a boxer
Be a big boxer
or a wrestler
and I bet you're
just like your Dad eh?
Are you just
like your Daddy?
Do you have
anything in navy?
Navy? yeah
Oh listen take no notice of me, I get all
carried away y'know 'cause mine are grown up now
I don't want any pastels -
No that's right yeah
'cause you are going to a wedding
yeah a little bird told me yeah
So lets have a look
what we got
There's that little
outfit that's French
But that's a little bit girly isn't it -
He needs something sophisticated
More sophisticated yeah
'cause he's not a girly boy is he
Do you know
what I mean?
He's more a boys boy I mean
you couldn't mistake him for a girl could you?
No he's a boy -
What's his name? -
Aw bless him
Little nidgy Nigel
Well lets see what we've
got for you then Nigel
Lets have
a little look
That's a bit
baby baby
Oh a minute
That's nice
We sell
alot of them
Oh I don't think so
Oh it looks nice on it really
does a little sailors outfit
How's that old
boyfriend then Nat?
What old boyfriends
that then Steve?
Oh come on
I'm single and
care free thanks
I wish I was
You never said you
was coming today
I'm sorry
I'll go shall I?
What's all this?
What does it
look like?
A fucking dump
Like the rest
of your house
Middle class wanker
This your
old mans?
What? you going
on holiday?
Nah it's what he
wants to be buried in
Well come on
Oh that's alright I didn't
want a coffee anyway
Well it's a dump isn't it -
What're you
waiting for?
Go on
So what've
you been doing?
Leave it out
I have
What sort
of work?
Writing -
Writing what?
A novel
What's so funny?
You writing a novel
what's it about?
Don't know
haven't started it yet
Am I in it?
Is it auto biographical? -
Course it is
you doing?
Get off
Hold on
a minute
Jesus no
Not again it's boring
Well I'm not
doing it then
Well don't do it
Oh come on
Here you go
No thanks I've
just eaten
Haha wise guy
Lie down then
You pervert
Don't stop
I've had enough
I can't eat no more
I'm full up
It's not a joke
I'm going
to puke
Are you
going then?
Well you're
not staying
Thought I could get
in there with you
No you won't
What's a matter
with you?
I don't agree
Don't shout
you sexist pig
Why're you
shouting sexist?
'cause that's what men do -
You're full of shit
Why is it you never
want me to stay?
What's in this
machine Nicola?
My bedding
Not again
Why didn't you
peg my washing out?
I'll do it later
Blimey it could
of been dry by now
So what've you been
doing all morning?
Sweet Fanny Adams as usual
Anybody ring?
Like who?
Like your Grandad
for instance
Look at Andy
on his picture
I still reckon he looks
so Tommy Cooper
What did you have
for you're breakfast?
A big fry up
No really
I don't beleive
you Nicola
Can you lend us
a couple of quid?
What for?
A packet
of fags
No chance
Mean cow
If you're giving your stomach a rest
you might as well give your lungs a rest an all
So what have
you been up to?
Look at the state of you
chalk white face
Blimey you look
like a ghost
You'd frighten the
birds you would
No wonder you didn't
peg my washing out
Ooh nevermind eh
I was
like you
I started at the
bottom y'know
I was on the sick for six
weeks before I got a look in
It's all about keeping
your eyes peeled
These tongues are
a pain in the neck
Can't get into
the crevices
Is it a pigs
Lambs tongue
Couldn't get a pigs
tongue in your mouth
It would stick
in your throat
Would it?
You look quite
attractive in white
Suits you
There's the skins
chuck them away
You got rythym
Here have
some more
You done really
well today
Have I?
I'm really
pleased with you
You're quite a tasty
little worker y'know
That's nice
It's a bit old fashioned
looking isn't though that one
Black skirt, white blouse
it's traditional, I like it
Oh Andy my legs are like jelly sticks
I'm sorry I said I would do it now
Just go for it
You wore that for
Joans wedding didn't you
Oh blimey yeah
Aw poor Joan
Poor Donald
What about Tracy?
I like this
Yeah now you're talking -
Yeah that's the one isn't it
I preferred
the white
Oh blimey
I'm going
to be late
Oh eh Andy do
you remember this?
You do us
any tea Wend?
Yeah there's a little
chicken casserole in the oven
That's nice
You hungry?
Here I went to this
old girls house today right
She had her dead
dog lying on the sofa
She never -
No, the skin
spread out like a rug
Oh charming -
She had arthritic hands
couldn't turn her tap on
Thought it was bust
I went straight to it gave it
a good twist and it was perfectly alright
So what did
you do then?
Well I changed the washer
for her so she didn't look stupid
Oh that's
a good girl
Did you charge
her a call out?
Well I had to you
know what they're like
I didn't want to
Where's this then?
Off the A10
She said she would give me some toffee
though she couldn't find her ration book
Did she?
Aww bless her
I don't suppose you know
what a ration book is do you?
Course I do
Learn allsorts in
your business don't you
and she kept
calling me a good lad
Oh she never?
Well you should of said to her
listen I'm a Miss
Nah no point
More interesting
than my job
Same every day
We had a bloke slice the
end off his finger this morning
What right off?
No there
was like a flap
No Andy don't
Christ -
There was alot of blood
No it was
his own fault
I've a very good accident
record as it happens
Yeah we know
No it's true, It's because I drum it into them
health and safety, health and safety
Still you're always going to get
someone showing off ain't you
Oh blimey I haven't
done my nails
Come on lets leave her in peace
she's got to get ready for her big night
and shut
the door
Oh Wendy
You look fantastic
do you know that Wendy?
Oh thanks only I didn't
want to let you down y'know
You haven't
I've had six different
blouses on tonight
No so as long
as you're happy y'know
You're superb
Eh is that what
you're wearing?
?They lend you that for having soup?
That's what me Mum used to say
Are you
I'll buy you some fish
and chips later y'know
Will you?
I might
See you've got tomato souffle -
Kidney vol-au-vent -
Oh vol-au-vents yeah
We had them on me 21st
vol-au-vents they're nice
This is the
whole kidney
King prawn in jam sauce -
Oh yeah just the one
Chilled brains, they speak for themselves -
Oh not brains
Prune quiche, that's one
for our vegetarian friends
Black pudding and camembert soup -
Oh no don't
Boiled bacon consomme -
Oh no consomme that's the same as soup isn't it?
It's basically the bacon water -
That's like what your Mum
gives you when you're ill?
and a saveloy on a bit of lychees -
Oh I got a little Chinesey one in there
That's all your hors-o'deurs
and that's your entrees
Right so this is me main
course type of thing right
What's that one there
pork what? pork list?
Pork cyst
Oh you're
joking me?
No it's not
called cyst?
Aw me Dad had one of them -
Did he?
Yeah underneath
Hey cough
Aw bless him
What is it?
It's like a
dumpling y'know
Oh I couldn't
and then we have
duck in chocolate sauce
Tongues in a rhubarb bouillabaisse -
Oh no
Liver in lager
and clams
in ham
That's with a pan fried
coq au base sauce
Or quails in a bit of
spinach with treacle
Or my piet de resistance
grilled trotters with eggs over easy
Oh right
what's over easy?
State side
sunny side up y'know
Oh yeah the
one I can turn
Oh blimey Aubrey I'll
never remember all this
You'll be fine
Any problems
refer them to me
Yeah but you'll be in the
kitchen cooking won't you
Yeah I'll be in there, I'll be out here
I'll be everywhere
I'll be chef patron
Well you should of had your little
menus printed up like I told you, right?
Yeah yeah
no sweat
I want this restaurant to be built on a
one to one mouth to mouth reputation y'know
Would you like a
glass of wine Wendy?
Oh no thanks no me stomachs
all of a go with me nerves
Yeah go on in it
might sort you down
Oh go on then
just half a glass
Oh blimey I forgot I've got something for you -
Have you? oh great
I want to
go for a fag
We're busy
Are we?
Yeah go on then, be quick
just have half of one
With a bit of luck I'll
get me fortune told later
Feel free
Got a little
card for you
Oh thanks very much -
That's from me an Andy and the girls
Oh that's
That's really brilliant, that's really marvellous
you're a really attractive woman, thanks very much
All the best
good luck
Thank you
We are now officially open -
blimey sorry sorry
As far as
I'm concerned
Footbal died the day
Arsenal won the double
That's right yeah
What was they?
Boring buggers
ain't they
Where as the Spurs double team
they was artists wasn't they
Yeah they
was artists
Twenty one quid a week
they got, can you imagine?
What do they
get today? millions
Then they've got the back handers
on top of that ain't they
Poncing round the penalty area
with their handbags
Yeah prima donnas
Oh he kicked me, ref
Yeah Danny boy
He was the architect of
the modern game y'know
That's right yeah
Norman, McKay
Jones, White, Smith
Alan Dyson
Yeah, come on
you Spurs
John White
what a player eh?
I used to have a little
picture of him on my wall
Ringed in black -
Yeah tragic
What a way to go
Struck by lightning
On a golf course
Yeah what a
waste eh?
Do you want another?
Yeah alright
Want something
with it?
Yeah, rum and black
Large one?
Yeah alright -
See the thing is
Is that people don't like to
venture out too early do they?
No not on
a Tuesday no
No they like
to get home
Have a bath
Chill out
Have their tea
and then go
out to eat
Did you put an
advert in the paper?
Yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
No I didn't actually
You should of had some little cards printed then
I could of given them out in the shop
Yeah I didn't want to attract
the wrong sort of people y'know
Oh charming oh
thanks very much Aubrey
Would you like another
glass of wine Wendy?
Oh yeah go on alright
I'll keep you company
Great hands
Do you think you'll
ever have kids?
Well you're pretty sure
for one so young
What? and look like a tank
for nine months? give me a break
Is that all you're worried about?
what you'll look like?
I'd make a
good Mother
Oh would you?
Why? do you
want kids?
In the fullness
of time
Do you?
You've got to have
a boy friend first
Yeah one does generally
need a bloke this is true
Well you're not doing
very well then are you?
Well I haven't seen your men
exactly queuing up in droves
You don't know
What? they sneak around here in
the day time do they when no one's in?
Anyway you don't need
a bloke to have a kid
Well I wouldn't fancy
bringing one up on me own
Well it's better to be on your
own than be with a bastard
Well presumably you wouldn't choose a bastard
in the first place if you had any sense
All men are
They're all
potential rapists
That's a bit
All men have got
the ability to rape
Well they don't
all do it do they?
If they've got the ability
they've got the desire
That's paranoid
What do you know
about paranoia?
Well not half as much as you do
I'll give you that
You'll find out when
you get to America
I'm only going
on a holiday
What? you think I'm going to get yanked off the
plane at J.F.K. airport and be raped and pillaged do you?
You've got to be
on your guard
Did you hear
what I just said?
Get it?
There's another
bloody couple coming
Yeah they're
coming this way
Do you want me
to tell Paula again?
action stations
Fucking yuppies
They went
straight past
Oh did they?
Oh perhaps they
weren't hungry
Where's Pauline?
She's sitting on
your work surface
Is she?
Yeah she's picking
Don't sit up
there Pauline
It's unhygenic
Cross infection
These stocks are
reducing nicely
Secret of a
great sauce
Is a well
reduced stock
No stock
no sauce
Keys to the door
You're working
with a genius
Do you
know that?
I'm not just a
wanker y'know
I could teach
you things
You've never
even dreamed of
I'm a magician
I want a drink
Well there's plenty of orange
juice in there, help yourself
I want
some wine
I can't have
you getting drunk
Kitchen's a very
dangerous place
She's got wine
Me and Wendy
We go back
a long way
I'm a friend
of the family
Classic nose
Here you are
What you
think of this?
What you
got there?
Lets have
a look
A pocket telly
Have a look?
Feel free
That's good
isn't it
Yeah neat
There we go
Leave it out
You fool
Eh seen these?
Give us it, give us back
How much do you
want for that then?
I could
Let you have
it half price
A hundred knicker
Yeah nice
isn't it
Be tasty on the
salad wagon
Wouldn't it?
can't afford it
What about
that hundred?
What hundred?
That hundred you
never gave me
If someone had turned up
with that twenty five years ago
Instead of a
bloody martian
You would have to
beleive them wouldn't you?
Yeah yeah
So you don't
want it?
No Patsy I
don't want it
I don't want
Mean bastard
Come on you
I'm open
I'm ready, I'm waiting for you
this is what you've all been waiting for
Come and
get it
Fish wifes
You English
You can stick to your fish and chips
go on, go and get cancer
Thousand pounds
Ten thousand pounds
Go on mate
cook him
You working
class morons
Go and eat your
own shit go on
That is enough
No more
'cause you're
being a naught boy
Marry me Wendy
I want to
marry you
Now stop it
Aubrey stop it
get off
I love you
Now don't
be stupid, right?
I'm already married
I'm married to Andy
I love Andy
he's my best friend
Yeah well we're very fond
of you now you know that
I don't care, I don't care
if you're married to Andy
You can still marry me you
just don't have to tell him
Now stop it right
now sit down
Sit down
you doing?
Get off me
Aubrey stop
it now
I want to fuck
you Wendy
Now stop talking
like that
Now just stop it right, because
Andy won't let me come here again
Do you hear me?
he won't
I worship the
ground you walk on
Now look you're bending down
that means you're going to be sick
I kiss
your feet
Well there might be a little bit of doggy on me shoes
right, and you're not going to like that so get up
Oh Nicola
Nicola's not here right
she's at home saving the world
Now look you've got
vodka all down you're suit
and that's your best suit
you've bought for tonight, right?
Sit down -
I don't want it
I don't want it -
Sit down -
I want Andy to have this
Andy doesn't
want it
Yeah he's a poor man -
Andy's got a suit
No he can wear it in
the fucking stupid caravans
Now stop that
Behave yourself
He can have the suit
'cause he's all scruffy
What're you doing?
I'm going to give him the suit -
Leave your trousers on Aubrey
Aubrey leave
your trousers on
Behave yourself and
leave your trousers on
I love him
and Nicky
I tell you what
What're you
doing now?
You're going
to fall
No I'm not drunk right
I'm not drunk
Aubrey stop it
Now behave yourself right
you're being silly
Aubrey will
you stop it
Now you're behaving
like an idiot listen to me
#no regrets#
No you don't
do any more, no
#no regret rien no#
#no regrets#
#no regret#
Shame though
isn't it
Come on Paula
we're going
Oh look
at me
Oh that's alright he'll
find them there in the morning
Oh what
a night
I tell you
Never again
What a mistake
It's alright he's only asleep
he's not dead
There's no need to
be frightened
I'm not frightened
Nothing to be
frightened of
Is this your little coat
and here's your bag
Now how're you
getting home?
Right got
you're fare?
Where's your little
purse?in here?
Where's your
In the pocket
Right come
on then
What's a matter?
We're going
for chips
Who's going for chips? -
Me and Aubrey
Aubrey's in a coma
he doesn't want any chips
Well he'll be hungry
when he wakes up won't he
It stands to
Alright I'll
buy you chips
I don't want
no chips
Alright well I
won't buy you chips
Come on Paula
Look I tell you what
take your hat off
and put your coat on
we don't want to frighten people do we?
Oh Nicola
Oh blimey
hark at him
Look I tell
you what
I'll run you
to the bus-stop, ok?
Are you coming
with me?
Stopping here
You can't
stop here
Please Paula
Come on
Blinking heck
Oh blimey
what're you doing?
Tidying up
You're not having
no lager
Get us a
lager Nat
You must be joking
You've had enough lager for tonight right
blooming lager lout, now get up the stairs
What're you doing? -
There's somebody at the door
There's nobody at the
door that's you
Listen you'll have Irene banging on the wall again -
What do you want? who is it
Where's the lager?
In the fridge
Get up the stairs -
Alright alright
Look at the
state of you
You've got your best trousers on
you've got your new shoes
Now what?
what're you doing?
Can you shut the caravan door? -
I've shut the caravan door
Are you going to be sick?
Don't you be sick on me Andy
Nicola shut the
caravan door
Brown, Baker
How did it
go tonight?
Terrible if you must know
I'll tell you later, no Andy no
get in that toilet and do a wee
Blimey look
this is the seat
I don't want me carpet
all soaking wet
and close the door
you've got two daughters
What's a matter
with you?
That's what's a matter with me
I've got two daughters
Oh shut up -
What did I tell you
So come on then, what
happened at the restaurant?
How many tips did
you score?
Nothing happened at the restaurant
right? and keep it out
I've had enough for one night
I'm up to here with the lot of you
No he could be dead this morning
y'know Andy I'm not kidding
All that broken glass
he might of severed an artery
Should of called the
police shouldn't I?
I feel like
Princess Margaret
I could of killed
you last night
I'll drop in on him on my way back
from work, tell him he was out of order
Will you?
Suppose I've lost me
hundred quid now haven't I?
I'll get it off him, he's not
going to get away with that
I got to
go Wend
See you
I'll be late
Where're you
I'm meeting Patsy
for a drink
You're not?
Got you!
Get out
Come on
lets go up
Not yet
I know you
want it
Do I?
How do
you know?
Shut up
I don't
want it
What do
you mean?
I want
Nah nah nah
I come in we go straight
upstairs, we do it
Bingo you're a pain in the arse
I don't want that, I want to see you nice
Well what's nice? it's
only a boring cliche
No nice, nice show me a bit
of civility a bit of respect
You don't show
me no respect
I'm trying to respect you now, trying
to treat you like a real person
Instead of some
fucking shag bag
Come on
talk to me
What about?
Anything you think
anything you know
What do you
care about?
You got all these
fucking books upstairs
Women who love men too much
men who hate women, women who love
and women in love, womens ruin
female eunuch
Have you read
any of that crap?
What's it to you?
Have you?
So what have you
learnt from it?
That I'm a
What's a
Oh come on
No no no what
does it mean?
Stop being
I'm not being antagonistic I'm trying
to have an intelligent conversation with you
Are you capable
of that?
I don't think you are
are you?
Bit vacant
aint you
Bit of an
going on
Bit dumb
Bit dizzy
Dimbo bimbo
dumb blondster ain't you?
Eh hello anyone at
home hello hello
You're a
I am intelligent
Are you coming
Well piss
off then
Blimey days Nicola
look at the state of you
You're sitting there like there's a grey cloud
over you it's like the sun's gone in
You've got no energy 'cause
you don't eat your dinners
and you've got
no joy in your soul
How do
you know?
I know because you've given up
'cause your not happy, that's how I know
I am
You've lost
all your friends
I don't see them knocking
on the door anymore
I don't want friends
they dissapoint you
I mean you say you
want to change the world
You're supposed to be political but
I don't see you doing anything about it
I am political
and shut
the door
How are
you political?
I read the paper
I watch the news
I'm more political
than you
Oh blimey Nicola
We can all watch the telly
You should be out there helping the old aged
pensioners or going on marches or whatever
Marches are a waste
of time it's boring
If you put your money where your mouth
is you should be joining one of these socialist
what's it groups
Or the nuclear disarmament
whatever but you don't
All you do is sit here in this room staring
at the walls and tweeking and twitching
and you're
so perfect?
I'm not perfect but
I haven't given up
I'm still out
there fighting
and I tell you
what Nicola
Every time I look out that window and I
see that rusty old caravan sitting there
Do you know what
it says to me?
It says to me there's a man
who hasn't given up either
Who's still out there fighting
looking for his dream
Well it says to me there's
a man who's getting greedy
You're Dad?
He's the most unselfish
man I've ever met
Do you know he's up at
six o'clock every morning
Slogging his guts out
in a job he hates
Which is more
than you do
and he still comes home at the
end of the week with sod all
I'm not prepared
to be exploited
You're not prepared
to work full stop
You've accepted Nat as a plumber
and you didn't like that at first
No I didn't
I didn't like it
But I can see now I was
wrong because she's happy
I don't know what
I want to do yet
Oh don't
Well you had
your chance Nicola
When you were seventeen when you were
at the college doing your three A levels
You were going great and
then suddenly you stopped
You stopped eating, you stopped everything
you ended up eight weeks in the hospital
Well you put me there
I didn't want to go
Oh for Gods sake Nicola
you were at deaths door
You were trying to
control my life
You were dieing -
No I wasn't
Yes you were
I'd know if
I was dieing
Doctor Harris told us
you had two weeks to live
You didn't know
that did you?
Three of us coming home every
night crying our eyes out
You were lucky
Life's not
easy Nicola
I could of
given up right?
Sixteen I was
doing me A levels
What A levels?
English and business studies
if you must know
Then I got pregnant
with twins
Well why didn't you
have an abortion?
Because I didn't
want one
Because I had two little lives
growing inside me
I don't beleive in it
that's the easy way out
You're Dad was only seventeen
he was at catering college
and he was working in hotels at night
trying to get a bit extra
We got a little flat together
begged and borrowed a couple of cots
and when the two of you were
born we were thrilled to bits
Because we had two
lovely little babies
We came through
Well don't blame me
I didn't ask to be born
I'm not blaming
you Nicola
I just want you to be happy
that's all, and you're not
I wouldn't care what
blooming job you did
I wouldn't care how scruffy you
looked as long as you were happy
But you're not
something inside you has died
You've given up
and if one day I could just
walk throught that door
and you could look at me
and you could say look Mum
Help me please I don't know what
I'm doing I don't know where I'm going
Then I'd say great because now
we can be honest with each another
Now we can
start talking
But I'm not
in a mess
Aren't you?
You're giving me a problem
when I haven't got one
Why Nicola
If you hate
me so much
Why don't you
throw me out?
We don't
hate you
We love
you, right?
You stupid girl
What've you done you silly sod?
I think I've broke me ankle
Jesus -
Don't touch it lay flat
I am breathing for Christs sake -
Lay flat, relax
Got to help you
I'll be back
Nel, where're you
going? Nel Nel
A spoon!
A fucking spoon
for Christs sake
Who dropped
this spoon?
Who dropped
this spoon?
Yeah speaking yeah
Oh hello
how're you?
Oh blimey you're
joking me? he hasn't?
Aw how did
he do it?
Oh no sorry Brian I'm sorry
I know you shouldn't laugh, but
Aw is he
alright though?
Yeah, no it's alright no I can
come over, yeah straight away
Alright thanks
for phoning me
Aw yeah and
you alright then
ta ta bye
Oh Christ
Hello Nat
Look at the state of him
Here you are
take the bag
Take these Wend
Go on
How're you going to do it? -
I don't know
Oh blimey
Hang on hang on -
Take it steady
Don't let that door slam -
Don't worry I've got it
Do you want a hand? -
No no I'll do it myself
Ok? -
Yeah yeah
There you go -
Give us those
That's it
that's it
Right come on
take it easy
I've got you -
It's alright
Open the gate Nat -
Yeah hold on
Go on
Now don't rush
Andy, right?
It's alright -
Just take it steady
Andy what're
you doing?
Blimey you're not a
greyhound in a race
Well take
it Wend
I'm trying Andy -
Well get rid of it
He needs a little
thingy doesn't he
Hold on I'll
get this table
Oh that's
it Nat
Here we are
That's the job -
Careful careful careful
Looks like the
Royal leg
Aw look at his little face
aw poor Andy
He's been through
alot y'know
Hey listen how're you going
to get your trousers off?
Cut them
Well I tell you what I'll get
me little scissors right?
and I'll come up
the inside leg
Don't make me
laugh Wendy
How long you got to
have this on for then?
I don't know, six or eight weeks
something like that
Cushy number
Yeah I wouldn't mind
six weeks holiday
Well it's a damn nuisance
as a matter of fact
I was going to get started on the caravan
when I got back from work this evening, it's a pisser
Oh blimey what
about Aubrey?
Oh yeah
What about
Oh lets
leave it
Let him stew in his own juice
I've got enough on me plate
Ain't you going
in tonight then?
No -
Because -
Where's Nicola?
Does she know I
had an accident?
Well she
told me
Here I'll run these
things up Andy
Oh hang on, give us that
give us it here
I know what
you want
You want your little
souvenir don't you?
Yeah that's the bastard
that's the culprit
Yeah trying to kid us
he slipped on a spoon
He was still blooming
drunk from last night
I've never known
pain like it Nat
Ain't you?
Searing pain
Did you hear
it snap?
No I didn't
Oh yeah
I did
Yeah I did
Did you?
It's like when you break a
dry stick across your knee
Know what
I mean?
Can I
come in?
Look at that
An ordinary
I never noticed
it before
Here you are
Nineteen seventy five
This spoon was born when
you were seven years old
Oh yeah
Just sits in
a drawer
Out of the
Into the
Stir the
Into the wash
out of the wash
Up on the hooks with
all the other spoons
and all the time just
waiting for the fatal day
When it would drastically alter
the course of a mans life
It doesn't look
dangerous does it?
Nah you take my word for it
that is an evil spoon
Here you are look put it
in a place of honour
Keep an
eye on it
Yeah I don't
trust it
Get us some
Tell you what
Go and give your face a little wash
make you feel a bit better eh?
You don't want your Dad to know
you've been sitting here crying do you?
He don't want
to see me
He does
I'll make him
feel worse
Don't be
so daft
I'm a burden
to you
We got to turn over
a new leaf yeah?
Both of us
All of us
Come on have
a little cup of tea
Nah I don't
want one
Come on do it
for your Dad
He's been
asking for you
Has he?
Sitting there with his
tongue hanging out
You know what he's like
he wants a bit of tea and sympathy
I just want
to talk to you
Do you?
Do you want a hand Nat? -
Nah it's alright
Here you are Andy give us a
little bit of chocolate don't hog it all
It's alright there's
plenty for everyone
Here you are Nic
Want a bit? -
Go on
have a bit
Nah it's alright
Have a little bit
cheer yourself up
It's alright
don't force her
Here you
are Nic
Did you go to
the travel agent?
I'm going to
New York
and New Orleans
Ain't you
going Disney?
No I want to go
interesting places
Oh blimey fancy going to the States
and not going to Disney land
Why don't
you go Nic?
It's too big
Well she can
go next year
Get yourself
Save up eh?
How's the leg?
Oh not too bad
throbbing a bit
Only one
I got to go to the
toilet in a minute
Go and get your
Dad a bucket
Hey look at
that spoon
Just take the weight
just take the weight
That's it
that's it
Blimey it's
heavy isn't it
Alright? -
Put the pillow
behind me
There you go
That's it
Tell you
what Andy
Good job you're
not a horse
They'd of
shot you
Here you
are then
There you go
It's good you had that
chat with Mum isn't it
Get things
cleared up
Did you
tell her?
Tell her
What do
you mean?
You know
what I mean
I'm not
I never said
you was
I've got the room next
to yours, remember
I can
hear you
What? playing
my music?
You know what
I'm talking about
At nights
Getting sick
and everything
I'm not
Oh come on
I'm not
It's hot
isn't it
I can't
help it
I know
I think we should
do something about it
Who's we?
You and me
Have you told
them about it
Why not?
Well don't know
Suppose I
should of
Don't know
why I didn't
Yeah I do
know why
'cause I think
you should
I know what I
do is disgusting
I am disgusting
Yeah it is
Mind you I do some pretty
disgusting things myself
Do you?
Oh I can't
tell you
What is it?
I put my hands
down toilets
and on a good day
I might get bitten by a rat
Do you want
any money?
Nah it's ok