Little Sister (2016) Movie Script
1
Lettuce, tomato, onion.
Uh, pickles.
And tzatziki sauce.
Oh, and, uh,
a little hot sauce, too.
Hot sauce, okay.
Hi.
Thank you, ma'am.
You're welcome. God bless.
Hi!
Hey, lady.
"O god, why do you
cast us off forever?
Why does your anger smoke
against
the sheep of your pasture?
Remember your congregation,
which you acquired long ago,
which you redeemed to be
the tribe of your heritage."
Can I just...
Sisters of mercy.
Who? Colleen?
No, we don't have
any sisters named that.
No, ma'am, I don't know.
Do you know which order?
Oh, yeah, then I
definitely don't know.
There are so many.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
Hope you find her.
God bless.
I think the people understand.
I'm a war president.
I hear the voices,
and I read the front page,
and I know the speculation,
but I'm the decider.
But I'm the decider.
And I ask you whether you
recall the title of that PDB.
I believe the title was
bin laden determined to attack
inside the United States.
You know that, that old
beach boys song Barbara Ann?
We're going to do
what we have to do
to protect
the United States of America.
The message
of these brave men and women
who are serving over there
is "let us win."
And night fell
on a different world,
on a world where freedom itself
is under attack.
Sorry.
You're Debbie's friend.
Yeah.
You're the nun.
Um, yeah...
So, you, like, devoted your life
to Christ and everything?
You did.
I thought the show
was really creative.
Thank you. That's all right.
I don't want to mess with you.
It's just I've never
seen one before.
I've never seen
a real live nun before.
It's okay.
Sorry.
Do you wanna do
some blow with us?
Oh, I can't.
Sorry. Thanks.
I have no idea
how you would get, like,
I don't know, like a record deal
or a record company
or any of that, but...
I just think like,
you're so talented,
and, and if you can,
then, and if you'd like to,
then you should,
you should share
your gift with the world.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just that's what my parents
always told me.
The next
Manhattan-bound l train
will depart
in approximately 37 minutes.
Sorry.
Do you remember
what I said to you
when you first joined our order,
Joan of arc?
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I was right?
No.
You think I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
You're very close
to your first vows,
and I'm having trouble believing
that you're really devoted...
I am devoted.
Sorry.
I don't want you
to not have fun.
You're young.
You should have fun.
But if this community
isn't offering you
enough fun already...
What's wrong?
Hey.
I like your sunglasses.
Thanks.
You want to borrow my car,
don't you?
For how long?
Um, I don't know.
Three or four days.
You must tell me a number
and stick with it.
It took god six days
to create the universe.
You should be able to get
your act together in five.
Okay.
Okay, five days.
Use the time wisely, sister.
Hello?
Jacob?
Hello?
Starlings are
medium-sized passerines.
The shortest-bodied species
is Kenrick's starling,
but the lightest-weight species
is Abbott's starling
holy cow.
Hi, dad.
You look great.
You smell a little weird.
You smell like always.
Oh, Chiclet!
The more things change, huh?
Hi!
Joani!
I'm getting the bags!
Joani, get in here, now!
Hi, mom.
Oh!
Oh, sweet pea.
Oh, you're home.
Oh, you're home!
Sweet pea!
- Mmm!
- Oh!
Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey, Colleen.
Hey, Tricia.
Did you, did you get my emails?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, I'm on, um, medicine now.
Did you know that?
That's good, mom.
Yeah.
I'm so happy you're home.
Did you see your brother?
Did you say hi?
I didn't know
he was home until...
Oh, I'm going to go,
I'm going to go get him.
No, you don't have to do that.
Yes, I'm going to go get him.
Mom!
Mom!
Hey, want to see something cool?
Hey, come on.
Are you looking for a band
for your wedding, birthday,
or corporate event?
Pro-star entertainment
has a wide variety of musicians
for your every need.
From smooth jazz
to classic rock,
country, calypso, and beyond.
Our professional attitude...
Oh, wow.
What?
Pretty neat, right?
Give pro-star entertainment
a call today at pro-star.
That was really something.
I hope you're still hungry
for dinner.
The latest polls
show a majority of Americans
think Democratic senator
Joe Biden
won last night's
vice presidential debate.
So, you really stuck
with that vegetarian thing, huh?
Yep.
When you were little,
all you wanted were nuggets.
Chicken nuggets.
"Papa" nuggets, remember?
Big ol' papa nugget.
Oh, man, this
really hits the spot.
Is anybody going to get that?
They wanna put your brother
on CNN.
Colleen?
Colleen.
Yeah?
Your mom and I
are dropping Tricia off
and heading into the office.
Are you going to be okay here
by yourself?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, give your brother
some space, okay?
Okay.
We love you, mama and papa!
We think that you're
the bee's knees!
We're happy you got married
and gave birth
to Colleen and me.
You help us with our homework.
You take us to the zoo.
And that's why
on this special day,
we're saying
happy anniversary to you!
We know you'll never leave us,
and we swear
on the stars above...
To be good for you forever
and give you all our love!
Welcome wagon!
Happy anniversary!
Uh, hey, there.
Is Jacob home?
Uh, I don't think he's taking
any visitors right now.
Wait a second.
Shoot. Colleen?
Yeah.
Look at you, girl, all grown up!
Like a, like a librarian
or something.
I barely recognized you
without all the, uh, the,
you know, the Marilyn Manson
stuff on your face.
It's like the ugly duckling has
turned into a beautiful swan.
So, uh, we should come back
a little later, then?
Jacob?
Who is it?
Uh...
It's your sister.
Welcome home.
Thanks.
You look different.
Is it okay to hug you?
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
I love you.
Do you wanna hang out?
Not really.
Emily.
Oh, my god. Colleen!
You should tell me
when you're back in town!
Well, it's an unexpected visit.
Oh, my god!
You're, like, a real nun now.
Almost.
Everybody's talking
about your brother.
His whole face, huh?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so sorry.
I had such a crush on him
in high school.
I was at my parents'
vacation house,
but they didn't actually say
I could be there,
so technically I was squatting.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, remember this place?
It looks exactly the same.
I'm gonna go take a shower,
wash off the granola.
Make yourself at home.
Okay.
I came into work,
and he was like,
"you're ugly,
and you have a bad personality,"
and so I hit him in the eyes.
And then he had to get surgery,
but that was his fault because...
Yeah, yeah,
and I had to listen to them
talk about how great they are
and, like, how they're
doing this artist residency
in Barcelona
and all these things.
And that's annoying,
but then I realized...
Wow.
I hope this is okay.
Whatever, dude.
You sure you don't want one?
Is that like a nun thing?
It's still a Colleen thing.
Wow.
Do you still have your v-card?
Lifetime member.
How were we friends
in high school?
No one else liked us.
Oh, yeah.
So, why did you move home?
We are here inside
the Findlay corp chicken farm.
Findlay slaughters thousands
of innocent birds every day.
That's awful.
Yeah, so, I had to get out
of Michigan pretty fast.
Do Rick and Sherry know?
No, they just think
I'm a screw-up.
Whatever, it's fine.
We hardly even talk.
Did you get arrested?
Uh-uh.
Thank god.
You know the government
considers us terrorists?
You know what a terrorist is?
It's somebody who
actually does something.
People want to vote for change,
but they don't actually
want to do the changing.
I worked for Peta.
I went to the marches.
Nothing happened.
When I started doing this stuff,
then I could feel
something happening.
I could feel the difference
we were making.
If that makes me a terrorist,
then whatever.
Some people need to be
terrorized sometimes.
The latest jobs report is in
from the labor department,
and it does not look good.
The figures show
that American companies
are laying off employees
at the fastest rate
in five years,
with over 159,000 jobs lost
since September.
Where you been?
Your father and I made dinner.
We had no idea
you'd be home so late.
I ran into Emily Rhoades.
Oh, well, you could've called.
We had no way
of getting in touch with you.
Uh, you haven't had a way
to get in touch with me
for like three years.
Seriously?
I'm sorry.
I'll call next time.
There's some dessert
in the fridge.
Why is this door locked?
I'm getting dressed!
I don't like locked doors
in my house.
I'm putting my clothes on!
Okay, fine.
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
You seem maybe not okay.
I just didn't want you
to miss breakfast.
Scrapple, kiddo?
No, no!
Oops.
No meat.
Mr. bacon greasy fingers!
It's barely meat!
Just eat around it.
So, I am gonna drop Tricia off
at David's farm.
Do you wanna come say hello?
He'd love to see you.
Terri, too.
I, um, I don't think so.
I, um, was hoping Jacob
and I could...
Okay, yeah, sure,
that'd be fine.
Cool.
Take your pick!
Whatever you want!
Hi, uncle David!
Oh, look at you!
Aw! Scrawny little thing.
Don't they feed you
up in New York?
This place looks great!
- Yeah, you like it?
- Mm-hmm.
Terri always wanted
her own little herb farm,
so she's finally got it.
In the meantime,
I'm the one that has
to take care of this place.
But I did get to name the goats!
Shut up, Blanche!
She's my favorite.
Tricia,
why don't you take Colleen
on a little tour of the farm
because David and I have
some business to discuss.
Five minutes, sweet pea.
Okay. Okay.
I think it's great you and Jacob
are still together.
Uh, thanks.
It's, um...
Yeah.
Don't my parents
drive you crazy?
Oh, they're not that bad.
At least they care.
How long you been working here?
Ever since they got the place,
a couple years ago.
And then after your brother
got hurt,
I needed something
to keep me busy.
What's in there?
So, you just water everything
and feed the animals?
All kinds of stuff.
Um, collect the eggs
from the chickens.
Chickens?
Did you know
they were cannibals?
No.
Yeah. The big ones peck
the little ones to death,
and then they eat them.
Wow.
You know, we're just playing
with some ice cream,
waiting for some
hot boys to come by.
We even tried on
some sexy outfits for them, too.
Meow.
Colleen?
Hey, wanna go for a walk?
Not really.
Okay.
It vass a dark and stormy night.
I vant to suck your blood!
Go back
to your grave, Draculina!
Never!
Oh, yeah?
Then take this!
Hey, put that down!
Cut it out!
Where did you get this?
Where did you get this?
I borrowed it from Tyler.
What's the rule in our house?
No guns allowed.
Hey, there, mister man.
Tricia, you don't have to.
Please, let me at least try.
Mmm. My big strong hero.
Tricia.
You are. You are.
Please.
No, I want to see
how much you want me.
I'm trying really hard
right now.
I know, I know.
I appreciate it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Mom, where's the hair dryer?
In the middle drawer.
Find it okay?
Yep.
Hello?
Have a seat!
Colleen...
Have a seat, please!
Uh, we'll just come back
another time.
See? There's no one out here.
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
How often do our parents
smoke pot?
All the time.
When did that start?
I don't think
it ever really stopped.
Um, maybe they cut back
when we were born,
but ever since you left,
they just totally don't care,
and with all my stuff
and Tricia...
Well, you don't, do you?
Maybe a few times, in Iraq.
Hmm, what was it like?
It was okay.
I mean, it was kinda stupid,
but sometimes you have to
get stupid over there.
So, we do these, um,
field trips, um, across America
to do, like, community service
stuff, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Like, we did a lot
of home rebuilding
in Louisiana and Mississippi,
that sort of thing,
but this one month we went
to Charleston, south Carolina,
and we worked in a group home
for mentally disabled adults,
and I, um, I was assigned
to a woman named Ro-Ro,
and, um, um, she was really
so sweet and very funny.
She insisted on putting
her own makeup on every morning.
Mm-hmm.
And, um, she was a midge...
She was a little person,
and she loved men.
That's all she ever
wanted to talk about,
and she'd just
go on and on about men,
and if I, if I put on the song
achy breaky heart,
she just lost it.
I've never seen someone so happy
in my whole life
than when Ro-Ro would listen
to achy breaky heart,
but one of the nuns,
sister Isadora,
she was assigned
to this patient,
this guy who ate everything,
literally everything.
He, um, had a disorder
where he'd put everything
in his mouth,
so you had to watch him
at all times,
even when he went
into the bathroom,
and so Isadora went
into the bathroom once,
and he sat on the toilet,
and he, um, he's taking a poop.
When he finishes,
after he finishes,
he reaches into the toilet,
and he pulls it out,
and he eats it.
Oh! Oh, man!
Isadora couldn't do anything.
She just puked
all over the floor.
And he walks over,
and he starts eating her puke!
I can't laugh.
Come on! We laughed
our butts off, and we're nuns.
Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
No, I can't laugh.
It's my lungs and the hiking.
You okay?
Yeah.
Are you monsters?
Yeah, we're monsters.
Joan Marie peacock-Lunsford.
I sure could use some company
in this bathtub.
Mr. green and I are gonna get
real lonely without you.
Okay, just a second
before I forget.
Calgon, take me away!
Um, so, there's, um, this,
a little green box
in, in our bathroom.
Do you know
what I'm talking about?
No.
You sure?
Okay.
Oh.
Nice.
How about this one?
I think this one
is just so pretty.
It looks great on you.
Yeah? The neckline's pretty.
I don't know.
Oh, uh, maybe
a little too short.
Let's put the first one back on.
That one looked great!
I'm gonna try it on.
Be right back.
Help?
Hi, there.
Want some help with the zipper?
It's stuck on a flower.
Colleen, do you believe in god?
Mm-hmm.
When I was little girl,
I used to watch out the back
of my trailer every night
and look at the cars
turn their lights off.
And then I would say,
"good night, cars,"
like everything in the world
had a heart and a soul.
But that isn't true, is it?
I've been trying so hard
to be happy.
Everybody's had such a bad time.
But I don't want to be on TV.
Tricia, I...
I'm stuck here,
and I don't know what to do.
Mother, you have a phone call.
Who is it?
I'll give you three guesses.
I'm just not quite ready
to come back yet.
Well, I just wish
you would've told me sooner.
Adelaide and Bernadette are
supposed to take some orphans
to six flags tomorrow.
I know. I'm sorry.
Just a couple more days.
I hate this.
Hey!
What's the matter? Chicken?
Fried chicken?
Give me your hands.
Why?
Jeez Louise,
just give me your hands.
Are we praying?
Something like that.
See, this isn't so bad.
People are looking.
Let them look.
You've got nothing
to be ashamed of.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Yes, ma'am?
Do you guys sell yarn?
Um, yes, aisle four.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the young man
I read about in the newspaper,
the one burnt in the war?
Uh, yeah, that's me.
Son, I want you to know
everyone here
thinks of you as a real hero,
and I just,
I just think it's a shame
you boys were wasted
on this stupid war.
So many wasted young lives.
Bet you thank
your lucky stars for Obama.
Wave of murder which is sweeping
the eastern third of the nation
is being committed by creatures
who feast upon
the flesh of their victims.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Mm-hmm.
When the bomb went off in Iraq,
did you think
you were gonna die?
Yeah, I knew I was going to die.
What was it like?
You know how they say
that everything flashes
before your eyes?
Yeah, that doesn't happen.
But, I was, like,
suddenly totally okay
with my entire life,
and I sort of thought,
"I guess that's it,"
but there's no regrets
or anything.
You know who would like to hear
that story, I bet?
Millions of Americans.
Oh, mom told you about CNN?
Uh-huh.
I don't want to be
anybody's hero, Colleen.
But, you kind of are.
It's such a joke.
I didn't die.
That doesn't make me special.
I just feel like a freak
and a loser.
Welcome to the club.
You guys going to watch
the debates tonight?
Probably not.
Sweet potato, you of all people.
Mom.
Why don't we just rent a movie
or something?
I'll see you later, sister.
I'll be there in a minute,
brother.
Just can't seem to do
anything right.
Well, it's tough, mom.
Don't you care about the issues?
Do you ever think about
anything bigger than yourself?
Um, seriously?
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean?
Your dad and I
love you both so much.
And, sweet pea,
I know you took our pot.
And it's totally cool.
You're young.
You want to experiment.
We understand.
This is a natural part of life.
And you know what?
Dad and I are happy to share.
What's ours is yours.
I flushed your drugs, mom.
Excuse me?
Don't you think you're taking
enough drugs already?
What did I do?
Do you really want me
to answer that?
Yes, yes, I do.
You're gonna have to put
the knife away.
I must be a terrible
disappointment to you,
but that's the way it is,
isn't it?
And you know what?
That's life.
I'm a disappointment to you,
and you are
a disappointment to me.
I just wish
you'd grow up a little
and get over it already.
Really, mom?
Maybe you'd understand
if you stuck around
and dealt with your problems
for once in your life.
Mother...
I will try to correct
myself with the grace of god.
Oh, hey, Colleen.
Hey, sorry I didn't call.
Yeah, no, please,
don't worry about it.
Remember this guy?
Hey, Emily.
Oh, hey, Jacob.
Thank you so much!
Terri and I would never have
been able to sustain
so many wonderful years
of marriage
if it weren't
for our spectacular friends!
Seriously, y'all.
You've let our funky
little family into your hearts,
and that has made
all the difference.
Now, let's party!
Really?
We're jealous of you.
No, don't be.
Adoption really was the best
thing that ever happened to us.
And really, no parent knows
what they're going to get.
Even if they're
not your real children,
you really see yourself in them
as they get older.
And when they were younger,
they were always
at each other's throats,
but now, now they're like
two peas in a pod.
They are so smart,
and they are so sweet.
And Troy, he loves
his little sister so much.
And we, we are truly lucky.
Mm-hmm.
And it seems like yesterday
they were little puppies
chasing squirrels
in the backyard.
Yeah.
That's so great, you two.
So, how's Chiclet?
Chiclet!
Chiclet... Is wonderful.
We cannot allow
Iran to get a nuclear weapon.
Not only would it
threaten Israel,
our strongest ally in the region
and one of our strongest allies
in the world,
but it would also
create a possibility
of nuclear weapons falling
into the hands of terrorists.
It's a nurse.
Do you like it?
I thought you said
you wanted to be a doctor
when you grew up.
Then what do you want to be?
I don't know.
A scientist?
No.
An artist?
You can be anything
you want to be, sweet pea.
Okay, well, in honor
of this three-year
high-school reunion,
I vote that we play
truth or dare!
Uh, or not.
Come on, brother.
I'll play!
Okay.
I choose truth.
Hmm.
What's the worst thing
you know about your parents?
Both of them?
Either one.
Oh. Oh, jeez...
Do I tell this story?
Yes, tell it!
Tell it.
Okay, okay, but you have to chug
a beer with me,
both of you.
Double dare.
Wow.
That's my very first beer.
Your first beer.
I mean, it is Heineken,
so it's barely beer.
Okay.
Yes!
Milady.
Sir. Let's do it.
Well, no, wait.
Hold on. First...
Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it.
But first you have to tell
the story first.
That's the deal.
What? Yikes! Uh!
Okay!
Okay, so, you guys remember
Askjeeves. Com, the website?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, when I was 12,
I wanted to look up something
on the Internet,
and I had to go upstairs
to my parents' bedroom,
and my dad had stayed logged in
to his account,
and so I go on to Askjeeves,
and I'm typing my question,
and, like,
when you type your question,
then the last five things
that you've asked it come up,
and apparently,
my dad had asked it,
"where, near Asheville,
north Carolina,
can I find a BBW prostitute?"
Whew!
What's BBW?
It is big, beautiful women.
He asked Jeeves that?
To parents!
To parents.
Okay, first is the candidacy.
No, wait. Hold on. No, wait.
First it's the applicancy,
and then,
and then it's
the candidatcy... candidacy.
Um, and then the novitiate.
I'm the novitiate.
That's me.
But then you do permanent.
First, no, hold on.
The temporary vows,
and then it is the final vows,
and then you are a nun
forever and ever.
Did I get it?
Oh, my god.
Ooh, you are wasted.
How many of those have I had?
Two and a half.
Last one.
You wanna split it?
Sure.
Is your mom doing okay?
Mmm, who knows?
Not really.
She was acting happy
for a little while,
but it's tough.
Jeez, yeah.
If my kid ran away
after I tried to off myself...
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
Can you see anything
behind those things?
Barely, but yeah.
Why don't you take them off?
It's nighttime, anyway.
Yeah, I'd rather not.
I dare you to take them off.
You don't wanna see it.
It's not...
Maybe I do.
Look, your spit
has touched my mouth.
Mm-hmm.
I think we know
each other well enough, huh?
That's true, yeah.
I can't.
In high school, I wanted
to make out with you so hard.
Now, this little number
we're very, very happy with.
It's mellow but lasts longer.
Perfect for the over-40 crowd.
And, uh, do you have anything
a little stronger?
That... Would be these guys.
Oh.
Terri's little babies.
Mushrooms covered
in Mexican chocolate.
They'll really take you
south of the border.
Lover, you ready?
Yeah, yeah, just a second.
I'll meet you at the car, honey.
I threw up!
Hello?
Guys?
Do you want to roast
some pumpkin seeds?
Hello?
Guys?
Um...
I made a salad for lunch.
Do you want some?
Yeah, that'd be nice.
When do you have to go back?
Tomorrow?
Um, I was thinking
about leaving today actually.
Oh.
Do you think you could stay
maybe one more night?
I have a fun idea.
How fun?
Fun.
Sister Joan of arc,
I try to make it a habit
to raise my voice
only when necessary,
and it is not often
that the occasion
calls for me to raise my voice,
but you are trying my Patience,
and on top of that,
you are still in possession
of my car,
a car which is needed
up here in New York,
in case you forgot.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
She hung up.
And one, two, three, four.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. That's it.
Okay, come on. Oh, yes!
Oh, yes. Here we go.
And one, two, three, four!
Happy family Halloween party!
Whoo!
Thank you.
Awesome.
Bring our family together
for this festive
Halloween night,
and for... For this food
that we are about to receive.
Amen.
Let's eat.
This is awesome,
awesomely done,
I just want to say.
Good.
Just touch it.
Colleen!
Ah ha ha!
Sweet pea.
Everybody having a good time?
Anyone else for seconds?
Um, sweet pea?
It's her last night.
Let her indulge.
You wanna split one?
Sure!
Don't mind if I do.
Mom, how much wine
did you put in that pasta?
Oh, not a lot.
I am such a lightweight.
Wait, doesn't the heat
cook out all the alcohol?
Yeah, you're right.
My fingers are a little tingly.
What did you put
in the cupcakes, mom?
Mom?
Colleen, it's your last night.
I just wanted us to all relax
and have fun, you know,
like a family.
Why would you...
What is wrong with you?
Sweet pea!
Sweet pea, please open up!
Colleen Noel Lunsford,
this isn't funny!
You knew about the key
under the gargoyle?
I always knew
about the gargoyle key.
So, is it okay if I sit down?
Fine.
Am I a bad mom?
That's not a fair question.
Was I a bad mom?
I guess it's not your fault.
It was just a lot.
First Jacob, then you.
I just, I just needed...
Structure.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
Do you like being a nun?
Yeah, I do.
Do you ever wish
you could have a boyfriend?
Girlfriend?
I don't think I'll ever want
to do that with anyone.
Hmm. When you were growing up,
your dad and I used to think
you'd become a lesbian satanist.
Sometimes I think
you're sad I'm not.
Colleen, when I was your age,
I thought having a kid
would make me an adult,
that it was going to give me
some kind of purpose,
some sense of direction,
but, um, it didn't, not really.
And neither did
having another one.
And, um, I got older,
and there was
more and more responsibility,
and then
that just never went away,
and it got harder
and harder, and...
And, um...
I found myself
becoming very sad.
And when I was at my saddest,
I just wanted to go to sleep
and not wake up,
just sleep.
And that didn't happen either.
No matter how hard I tried,
I just kept waking up
and waking up and waking up.
And then I tried
something different.
I didn't get that moment,
Colleen,
where everything
was just suddenly okay.
I don't think
those moments exist.
I think all you can do
is keep trying
and hope that somehow trying
can be good enough.
It's good to talk, right?
Can we be friends?
Yeah, mom, we can be friends.
Is it always this fun
to be stoned?
You're expecting a mere handsaw
and a covered wooden casket?
Oh, no.
That's the old-fashioned way
of sawing people in half.
Today, magicians
are mechanized tools,
and nothing will be concealed
from your view!
Ew!
Oh, this isn't scary.
It's just horrible.
Aah!
They're coming to get you,
Barbara!
Stop it.
Shh!
What do we do?
What do we do?
Answer it.
What if it's the cops?
How could it possibly
be the cops?
How could it
possibly not be the cops?
If it's not the cops,
then who is it?
Okay, rock-paper-scissors
for who answers the door.
One, two, three.
Ah! Jacob!
Mom, dad, wake up!
Animal liberations
has taken Jacob!
Close the door!
I'll get my keys.
Come on!
Oh, my gosh, Tricia.
I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
None of this would have
happened if i...
I shouldn't have come home.
Honk at them!
Honk louder!
I can't drive and honk
at the same time!
Hurry up!
They're getting away!
Oh, god! What do you think
they're gonna do to him?
I'm trying! I'm trying!
I didn't want him to go away.
I'm sorry for everything
I've ever said or done
that's bad ever.
Tricia, it's okay.
Everybody in the whole world
thinks bad things sometimes.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, no. That is not good.
What?
Uh, nothing.
Some people need
to be terrorized sometimes.
Watch out! Watch out!
Watch out!
"Oh, Sally,
you left me down the stairs.
I'm coming up them!"
And then a few hours later,
the doll said again,
"Sally, I'm in your room!"
Sally got really, really scared.
She pulled the covers up
and, and put a pillow
on her face.
Then, then the doll said again,
"oh, Sally,
I'm right next to you!"
Then the light
turned on suddenly,
and she saw the doll,
and the doll killed her,
and every single time
the doll kills a person,
she puts up one finger,
and if she runs out of fingers,
she grows more.
And no one knows
where the doll is now.
Tricia.
Yeah, Colleen?
Are you alive?
I think so.
Let's get out of the car.
Okay.
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier!
Shoot, dog, we missed your ass!
Didn't mean
to snatch you up like that
but f-u-n doesn't
take n-o for an answer!
Whoo!
And we got you a little
welcome back surprise, soldier!
Whoo!
There we go!
Welcome home, corporal Lunsford!
Whoo!
Yeah, baby, shake that.
Jacob!
No!
Jacob!
No, Jacob!
Are you okay?
What?
Jacob?
Call an ambulance!
He can't breathe!
Thanks.
Sure thing, sugar pie.
Can I ask you a weird question?
Ask away, angel.
Do your parents
know what you do?
Sure do.
Can't say they're
happy about it, but...
We all gotta pay
our bills, right?
Yeah.
Plus, I know
they can't talk, anyway.
We're all screw-ups.
I guess that's why
we love each other.
He's in stable condition.
He's going to be okay,
but we'll need to keep him
for a week or so
to monitor him.
Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
He's a real hero
for pulling through this one.
We'll be sure
to tell him you said that.
Thanks.
Okay, we'll take it from here.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Bless y'all.
Call me if you need anything?
Okay.
All good.
I'm sorry, dad.
It's gonna be okay, sweet pea.
I'm gonna miss you guys a lot.
You can come visit us anytime.
You, too.
It's been a long time coming,
but tonight, because
of what we did on this day,
in this election,
at this defining moment,
change has come to America!
What do you ask
of this community?
I ask to be
a fully incorporated member.
God of mercy and compassion,
I celebrate your faithfulness
and love for me,
and I praise your name.
In Thanksgiving
for this gift of my vocation,
I vow to live a life of poverty,
chastity, and obedience,
and to persevere
in this community until death.
Lord, bless these rings
which we bless in your name.
Grant that those who wear them
may always have a deep faith
in each other.
May they do your will
and always live together
in peace, goodwill, and love.
We ask this
through Christ, our lord.
With this ring,
I make you my wife.
And with this ring,
I make you my husband.
All right!
Lettuce, tomato, onion.
Uh, pickles.
And tzatziki sauce.
Oh, and, uh,
a little hot sauce, too.
Hot sauce, okay.
Hi.
Thank you, ma'am.
You're welcome. God bless.
Hi!
Hey, lady.
"O god, why do you
cast us off forever?
Why does your anger smoke
against
the sheep of your pasture?
Remember your congregation,
which you acquired long ago,
which you redeemed to be
the tribe of your heritage."
Can I just...
Sisters of mercy.
Who? Colleen?
No, we don't have
any sisters named that.
No, ma'am, I don't know.
Do you know which order?
Oh, yeah, then I
definitely don't know.
There are so many.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
Hope you find her.
God bless.
I think the people understand.
I'm a war president.
I hear the voices,
and I read the front page,
and I know the speculation,
but I'm the decider.
But I'm the decider.
And I ask you whether you
recall the title of that PDB.
I believe the title was
bin laden determined to attack
inside the United States.
You know that, that old
beach boys song Barbara Ann?
We're going to do
what we have to do
to protect
the United States of America.
The message
of these brave men and women
who are serving over there
is "let us win."
And night fell
on a different world,
on a world where freedom itself
is under attack.
Sorry.
You're Debbie's friend.
Yeah.
You're the nun.
Um, yeah...
So, you, like, devoted your life
to Christ and everything?
You did.
I thought the show
was really creative.
Thank you. That's all right.
I don't want to mess with you.
It's just I've never
seen one before.
I've never seen
a real live nun before.
It's okay.
Sorry.
Do you wanna do
some blow with us?
Oh, I can't.
Sorry. Thanks.
I have no idea
how you would get, like,
I don't know, like a record deal
or a record company
or any of that, but...
I just think like,
you're so talented,
and, and if you can,
then, and if you'd like to,
then you should,
you should share
your gift with the world.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just that's what my parents
always told me.
The next
Manhattan-bound l train
will depart
in approximately 37 minutes.
Sorry.
Do you remember
what I said to you
when you first joined our order,
Joan of arc?
Mm-hmm.
Do you think I was right?
No.
You think I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
You're very close
to your first vows,
and I'm having trouble believing
that you're really devoted...
I am devoted.
Sorry.
I don't want you
to not have fun.
You're young.
You should have fun.
But if this community
isn't offering you
enough fun already...
What's wrong?
Hey.
I like your sunglasses.
Thanks.
You want to borrow my car,
don't you?
For how long?
Um, I don't know.
Three or four days.
You must tell me a number
and stick with it.
It took god six days
to create the universe.
You should be able to get
your act together in five.
Okay.
Okay, five days.
Use the time wisely, sister.
Hello?
Jacob?
Hello?
Starlings are
medium-sized passerines.
The shortest-bodied species
is Kenrick's starling,
but the lightest-weight species
is Abbott's starling
holy cow.
Hi, dad.
You look great.
You smell a little weird.
You smell like always.
Oh, Chiclet!
The more things change, huh?
Hi!
Joani!
I'm getting the bags!
Joani, get in here, now!
Hi, mom.
Oh!
Oh, sweet pea.
Oh, you're home.
Oh, you're home!
Sweet pea!
- Mmm!
- Oh!
Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey, Colleen.
Hey, Tricia.
Did you, did you get my emails?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, I'm on, um, medicine now.
Did you know that?
That's good, mom.
Yeah.
I'm so happy you're home.
Did you see your brother?
Did you say hi?
I didn't know
he was home until...
Oh, I'm going to go,
I'm going to go get him.
No, you don't have to do that.
Yes, I'm going to go get him.
Mom!
Mom!
Hey, want to see something cool?
Hey, come on.
Are you looking for a band
for your wedding, birthday,
or corporate event?
Pro-star entertainment
has a wide variety of musicians
for your every need.
From smooth jazz
to classic rock,
country, calypso, and beyond.
Our professional attitude...
Oh, wow.
What?
Pretty neat, right?
Give pro-star entertainment
a call today at pro-star.
That was really something.
I hope you're still hungry
for dinner.
The latest polls
show a majority of Americans
think Democratic senator
Joe Biden
won last night's
vice presidential debate.
So, you really stuck
with that vegetarian thing, huh?
Yep.
When you were little,
all you wanted were nuggets.
Chicken nuggets.
"Papa" nuggets, remember?
Big ol' papa nugget.
Oh, man, this
really hits the spot.
Is anybody going to get that?
They wanna put your brother
on CNN.
Colleen?
Colleen.
Yeah?
Your mom and I
are dropping Tricia off
and heading into the office.
Are you going to be okay here
by yourself?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, give your brother
some space, okay?
Okay.
We love you, mama and papa!
We think that you're
the bee's knees!
We're happy you got married
and gave birth
to Colleen and me.
You help us with our homework.
You take us to the zoo.
And that's why
on this special day,
we're saying
happy anniversary to you!
We know you'll never leave us,
and we swear
on the stars above...
To be good for you forever
and give you all our love!
Welcome wagon!
Happy anniversary!
Uh, hey, there.
Is Jacob home?
Uh, I don't think he's taking
any visitors right now.
Wait a second.
Shoot. Colleen?
Yeah.
Look at you, girl, all grown up!
Like a, like a librarian
or something.
I barely recognized you
without all the, uh, the,
you know, the Marilyn Manson
stuff on your face.
It's like the ugly duckling has
turned into a beautiful swan.
So, uh, we should come back
a little later, then?
Jacob?
Who is it?
Uh...
It's your sister.
Welcome home.
Thanks.
You look different.
Is it okay to hug you?
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
I love you.
Do you wanna hang out?
Not really.
Emily.
Oh, my god. Colleen!
You should tell me
when you're back in town!
Well, it's an unexpected visit.
Oh, my god!
You're, like, a real nun now.
Almost.
Everybody's talking
about your brother.
His whole face, huh?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so sorry.
I had such a crush on him
in high school.
I was at my parents'
vacation house,
but they didn't actually say
I could be there,
so technically I was squatting.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, remember this place?
It looks exactly the same.
I'm gonna go take a shower,
wash off the granola.
Make yourself at home.
Okay.
I came into work,
and he was like,
"you're ugly,
and you have a bad personality,"
and so I hit him in the eyes.
And then he had to get surgery,
but that was his fault because...
Yeah, yeah,
and I had to listen to them
talk about how great they are
and, like, how they're
doing this artist residency
in Barcelona
and all these things.
And that's annoying,
but then I realized...
Wow.
I hope this is okay.
Whatever, dude.
You sure you don't want one?
Is that like a nun thing?
It's still a Colleen thing.
Wow.
Do you still have your v-card?
Lifetime member.
How were we friends
in high school?
No one else liked us.
Oh, yeah.
So, why did you move home?
We are here inside
the Findlay corp chicken farm.
Findlay slaughters thousands
of innocent birds every day.
That's awful.
Yeah, so, I had to get out
of Michigan pretty fast.
Do Rick and Sherry know?
No, they just think
I'm a screw-up.
Whatever, it's fine.
We hardly even talk.
Did you get arrested?
Uh-uh.
Thank god.
You know the government
considers us terrorists?
You know what a terrorist is?
It's somebody who
actually does something.
People want to vote for change,
but they don't actually
want to do the changing.
I worked for Peta.
I went to the marches.
Nothing happened.
When I started doing this stuff,
then I could feel
something happening.
I could feel the difference
we were making.
If that makes me a terrorist,
then whatever.
Some people need to be
terrorized sometimes.
The latest jobs report is in
from the labor department,
and it does not look good.
The figures show
that American companies
are laying off employees
at the fastest rate
in five years,
with over 159,000 jobs lost
since September.
Where you been?
Your father and I made dinner.
We had no idea
you'd be home so late.
I ran into Emily Rhoades.
Oh, well, you could've called.
We had no way
of getting in touch with you.
Uh, you haven't had a way
to get in touch with me
for like three years.
Seriously?
I'm sorry.
I'll call next time.
There's some dessert
in the fridge.
Why is this door locked?
I'm getting dressed!
I don't like locked doors
in my house.
I'm putting my clothes on!
Okay, fine.
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
You seem maybe not okay.
I just didn't want you
to miss breakfast.
Scrapple, kiddo?
No, no!
Oops.
No meat.
Mr. bacon greasy fingers!
It's barely meat!
Just eat around it.
So, I am gonna drop Tricia off
at David's farm.
Do you wanna come say hello?
He'd love to see you.
Terri, too.
I, um, I don't think so.
I, um, was hoping Jacob
and I could...
Okay, yeah, sure,
that'd be fine.
Cool.
Take your pick!
Whatever you want!
Hi, uncle David!
Oh, look at you!
Aw! Scrawny little thing.
Don't they feed you
up in New York?
This place looks great!
- Yeah, you like it?
- Mm-hmm.
Terri always wanted
her own little herb farm,
so she's finally got it.
In the meantime,
I'm the one that has
to take care of this place.
But I did get to name the goats!
Shut up, Blanche!
She's my favorite.
Tricia,
why don't you take Colleen
on a little tour of the farm
because David and I have
some business to discuss.
Five minutes, sweet pea.
Okay. Okay.
I think it's great you and Jacob
are still together.
Uh, thanks.
It's, um...
Yeah.
Don't my parents
drive you crazy?
Oh, they're not that bad.
At least they care.
How long you been working here?
Ever since they got the place,
a couple years ago.
And then after your brother
got hurt,
I needed something
to keep me busy.
What's in there?
So, you just water everything
and feed the animals?
All kinds of stuff.
Um, collect the eggs
from the chickens.
Chickens?
Did you know
they were cannibals?
No.
Yeah. The big ones peck
the little ones to death,
and then they eat them.
Wow.
You know, we're just playing
with some ice cream,
waiting for some
hot boys to come by.
We even tried on
some sexy outfits for them, too.
Meow.
Colleen?
Hey, wanna go for a walk?
Not really.
Okay.
It vass a dark and stormy night.
I vant to suck your blood!
Go back
to your grave, Draculina!
Never!
Oh, yeah?
Then take this!
Hey, put that down!
Cut it out!
Where did you get this?
Where did you get this?
I borrowed it from Tyler.
What's the rule in our house?
No guns allowed.
Hey, there, mister man.
Tricia, you don't have to.
Please, let me at least try.
Mmm. My big strong hero.
Tricia.
You are. You are.
Please.
No, I want to see
how much you want me.
I'm trying really hard
right now.
I know, I know.
I appreciate it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Mom, where's the hair dryer?
In the middle drawer.
Find it okay?
Yep.
Hello?
Have a seat!
Colleen...
Have a seat, please!
Uh, we'll just come back
another time.
See? There's no one out here.
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
How often do our parents
smoke pot?
All the time.
When did that start?
I don't think
it ever really stopped.
Um, maybe they cut back
when we were born,
but ever since you left,
they just totally don't care,
and with all my stuff
and Tricia...
Well, you don't, do you?
Maybe a few times, in Iraq.
Hmm, what was it like?
It was okay.
I mean, it was kinda stupid,
but sometimes you have to
get stupid over there.
So, we do these, um,
field trips, um, across America
to do, like, community service
stuff, you know?
Mm-hmm.
Like, we did a lot
of home rebuilding
in Louisiana and Mississippi,
that sort of thing,
but this one month we went
to Charleston, south Carolina,
and we worked in a group home
for mentally disabled adults,
and I, um, I was assigned
to a woman named Ro-Ro,
and, um, um, she was really
so sweet and very funny.
She insisted on putting
her own makeup on every morning.
Mm-hmm.
And, um, she was a midge...
She was a little person,
and she loved men.
That's all she ever
wanted to talk about,
and she'd just
go on and on about men,
and if I, if I put on the song
achy breaky heart,
she just lost it.
I've never seen someone so happy
in my whole life
than when Ro-Ro would listen
to achy breaky heart,
but one of the nuns,
sister Isadora,
she was assigned
to this patient,
this guy who ate everything,
literally everything.
He, um, had a disorder
where he'd put everything
in his mouth,
so you had to watch him
at all times,
even when he went
into the bathroom,
and so Isadora went
into the bathroom once,
and he sat on the toilet,
and he, um, he's taking a poop.
When he finishes,
after he finishes,
he reaches into the toilet,
and he pulls it out,
and he eats it.
Oh! Oh, man!
Isadora couldn't do anything.
She just puked
all over the floor.
And he walks over,
and he starts eating her puke!
I can't laugh.
Come on! We laughed
our butts off, and we're nuns.
Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
No, I can't laugh.
It's my lungs and the hiking.
You okay?
Yeah.
Are you monsters?
Yeah, we're monsters.
Joan Marie peacock-Lunsford.
I sure could use some company
in this bathtub.
Mr. green and I are gonna get
real lonely without you.
Okay, just a second
before I forget.
Calgon, take me away!
Um, so, there's, um, this,
a little green box
in, in our bathroom.
Do you know
what I'm talking about?
No.
You sure?
Okay.
Oh.
Nice.
How about this one?
I think this one
is just so pretty.
It looks great on you.
Yeah? The neckline's pretty.
I don't know.
Oh, uh, maybe
a little too short.
Let's put the first one back on.
That one looked great!
I'm gonna try it on.
Be right back.
Help?
Hi, there.
Want some help with the zipper?
It's stuck on a flower.
Colleen, do you believe in god?
Mm-hmm.
When I was little girl,
I used to watch out the back
of my trailer every night
and look at the cars
turn their lights off.
And then I would say,
"good night, cars,"
like everything in the world
had a heart and a soul.
But that isn't true, is it?
I've been trying so hard
to be happy.
Everybody's had such a bad time.
But I don't want to be on TV.
Tricia, I...
I'm stuck here,
and I don't know what to do.
Mother, you have a phone call.
Who is it?
I'll give you three guesses.
I'm just not quite ready
to come back yet.
Well, I just wish
you would've told me sooner.
Adelaide and Bernadette are
supposed to take some orphans
to six flags tomorrow.
I know. I'm sorry.
Just a couple more days.
I hate this.
Hey!
What's the matter? Chicken?
Fried chicken?
Give me your hands.
Why?
Jeez Louise,
just give me your hands.
Are we praying?
Something like that.
See, this isn't so bad.
People are looking.
Let them look.
You've got nothing
to be ashamed of.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Yes, ma'am?
Do you guys sell yarn?
Um, yes, aisle four.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the young man
I read about in the newspaper,
the one burnt in the war?
Uh, yeah, that's me.
Son, I want you to know
everyone here
thinks of you as a real hero,
and I just,
I just think it's a shame
you boys were wasted
on this stupid war.
So many wasted young lives.
Bet you thank
your lucky stars for Obama.
Wave of murder which is sweeping
the eastern third of the nation
is being committed by creatures
who feast upon
the flesh of their victims.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Mm-hmm.
When the bomb went off in Iraq,
did you think
you were gonna die?
Yeah, I knew I was going to die.
What was it like?
You know how they say
that everything flashes
before your eyes?
Yeah, that doesn't happen.
But, I was, like,
suddenly totally okay
with my entire life,
and I sort of thought,
"I guess that's it,"
but there's no regrets
or anything.
You know who would like to hear
that story, I bet?
Millions of Americans.
Oh, mom told you about CNN?
Uh-huh.
I don't want to be
anybody's hero, Colleen.
But, you kind of are.
It's such a joke.
I didn't die.
That doesn't make me special.
I just feel like a freak
and a loser.
Welcome to the club.
You guys going to watch
the debates tonight?
Probably not.
Sweet potato, you of all people.
Mom.
Why don't we just rent a movie
or something?
I'll see you later, sister.
I'll be there in a minute,
brother.
Just can't seem to do
anything right.
Well, it's tough, mom.
Don't you care about the issues?
Do you ever think about
anything bigger than yourself?
Um, seriously?
That's not what I meant.
What did you mean?
Your dad and I
love you both so much.
And, sweet pea,
I know you took our pot.
And it's totally cool.
You're young.
You want to experiment.
We understand.
This is a natural part of life.
And you know what?
Dad and I are happy to share.
What's ours is yours.
I flushed your drugs, mom.
Excuse me?
Don't you think you're taking
enough drugs already?
What did I do?
Do you really want me
to answer that?
Yes, yes, I do.
You're gonna have to put
the knife away.
I must be a terrible
disappointment to you,
but that's the way it is,
isn't it?
And you know what?
That's life.
I'm a disappointment to you,
and you are
a disappointment to me.
I just wish
you'd grow up a little
and get over it already.
Really, mom?
Maybe you'd understand
if you stuck around
and dealt with your problems
for once in your life.
Mother...
I will try to correct
myself with the grace of god.
Oh, hey, Colleen.
Hey, sorry I didn't call.
Yeah, no, please,
don't worry about it.
Remember this guy?
Hey, Emily.
Oh, hey, Jacob.
Thank you so much!
Terri and I would never have
been able to sustain
so many wonderful years
of marriage
if it weren't
for our spectacular friends!
Seriously, y'all.
You've let our funky
little family into your hearts,
and that has made
all the difference.
Now, let's party!
Really?
We're jealous of you.
No, don't be.
Adoption really was the best
thing that ever happened to us.
And really, no parent knows
what they're going to get.
Even if they're
not your real children,
you really see yourself in them
as they get older.
And when they were younger,
they were always
at each other's throats,
but now, now they're like
two peas in a pod.
They are so smart,
and they are so sweet.
And Troy, he loves
his little sister so much.
And we, we are truly lucky.
Mm-hmm.
And it seems like yesterday
they were little puppies
chasing squirrels
in the backyard.
Yeah.
That's so great, you two.
So, how's Chiclet?
Chiclet!
Chiclet... Is wonderful.
We cannot allow
Iran to get a nuclear weapon.
Not only would it
threaten Israel,
our strongest ally in the region
and one of our strongest allies
in the world,
but it would also
create a possibility
of nuclear weapons falling
into the hands of terrorists.
It's a nurse.
Do you like it?
I thought you said
you wanted to be a doctor
when you grew up.
Then what do you want to be?
I don't know.
A scientist?
No.
An artist?
You can be anything
you want to be, sweet pea.
Okay, well, in honor
of this three-year
high-school reunion,
I vote that we play
truth or dare!
Uh, or not.
Come on, brother.
I'll play!
Okay.
I choose truth.
Hmm.
What's the worst thing
you know about your parents?
Both of them?
Either one.
Oh. Oh, jeez...
Do I tell this story?
Yes, tell it!
Tell it.
Okay, okay, but you have to chug
a beer with me,
both of you.
Double dare.
Wow.
That's my very first beer.
Your first beer.
I mean, it is Heineken,
so it's barely beer.
Okay.
Yes!
Milady.
Sir. Let's do it.
Well, no, wait.
Hold on. First...
Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it.
But first you have to tell
the story first.
That's the deal.
What? Yikes! Uh!
Okay!
Okay, so, you guys remember
Askjeeves. Com, the website?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, when I was 12,
I wanted to look up something
on the Internet,
and I had to go upstairs
to my parents' bedroom,
and my dad had stayed logged in
to his account,
and so I go on to Askjeeves,
and I'm typing my question,
and, like,
when you type your question,
then the last five things
that you've asked it come up,
and apparently,
my dad had asked it,
"where, near Asheville,
north Carolina,
can I find a BBW prostitute?"
Whew!
What's BBW?
It is big, beautiful women.
He asked Jeeves that?
To parents!
To parents.
Okay, first is the candidacy.
No, wait. Hold on. No, wait.
First it's the applicancy,
and then,
and then it's
the candidatcy... candidacy.
Um, and then the novitiate.
I'm the novitiate.
That's me.
But then you do permanent.
First, no, hold on.
The temporary vows,
and then it is the final vows,
and then you are a nun
forever and ever.
Did I get it?
Oh, my god.
Ooh, you are wasted.
How many of those have I had?
Two and a half.
Last one.
You wanna split it?
Sure.
Is your mom doing okay?
Mmm, who knows?
Not really.
She was acting happy
for a little while,
but it's tough.
Jeez, yeah.
If my kid ran away
after I tried to off myself...
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
Can you see anything
behind those things?
Barely, but yeah.
Why don't you take them off?
It's nighttime, anyway.
Yeah, I'd rather not.
I dare you to take them off.
You don't wanna see it.
It's not...
Maybe I do.
Look, your spit
has touched my mouth.
Mm-hmm.
I think we know
each other well enough, huh?
That's true, yeah.
I can't.
In high school, I wanted
to make out with you so hard.
Now, this little number
we're very, very happy with.
It's mellow but lasts longer.
Perfect for the over-40 crowd.
And, uh, do you have anything
a little stronger?
That... Would be these guys.
Oh.
Terri's little babies.
Mushrooms covered
in Mexican chocolate.
They'll really take you
south of the border.
Lover, you ready?
Yeah, yeah, just a second.
I'll meet you at the car, honey.
I threw up!
Hello?
Guys?
Do you want to roast
some pumpkin seeds?
Hello?
Guys?
Um...
I made a salad for lunch.
Do you want some?
Yeah, that'd be nice.
When do you have to go back?
Tomorrow?
Um, I was thinking
about leaving today actually.
Oh.
Do you think you could stay
maybe one more night?
I have a fun idea.
How fun?
Fun.
Sister Joan of arc,
I try to make it a habit
to raise my voice
only when necessary,
and it is not often
that the occasion
calls for me to raise my voice,
but you are trying my Patience,
and on top of that,
you are still in possession
of my car,
a car which is needed
up here in New York,
in case you forgot.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
She hung up.
And one, two, three, four.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. That's it.
Okay, come on. Oh, yes!
Oh, yes. Here we go.
And one, two, three, four!
Happy family Halloween party!
Whoo!
Thank you.
Awesome.
Bring our family together
for this festive
Halloween night,
and for... For this food
that we are about to receive.
Amen.
Let's eat.
This is awesome,
awesomely done,
I just want to say.
Good.
Just touch it.
Colleen!
Ah ha ha!
Sweet pea.
Everybody having a good time?
Anyone else for seconds?
Um, sweet pea?
It's her last night.
Let her indulge.
You wanna split one?
Sure!
Don't mind if I do.
Mom, how much wine
did you put in that pasta?
Oh, not a lot.
I am such a lightweight.
Wait, doesn't the heat
cook out all the alcohol?
Yeah, you're right.
My fingers are a little tingly.
What did you put
in the cupcakes, mom?
Mom?
Colleen, it's your last night.
I just wanted us to all relax
and have fun, you know,
like a family.
Why would you...
What is wrong with you?
Sweet pea!
Sweet pea, please open up!
Colleen Noel Lunsford,
this isn't funny!
You knew about the key
under the gargoyle?
I always knew
about the gargoyle key.
So, is it okay if I sit down?
Fine.
Am I a bad mom?
That's not a fair question.
Was I a bad mom?
I guess it's not your fault.
It was just a lot.
First Jacob, then you.
I just, I just needed...
Structure.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
Do you like being a nun?
Yeah, I do.
Do you ever wish
you could have a boyfriend?
Girlfriend?
I don't think I'll ever want
to do that with anyone.
Hmm. When you were growing up,
your dad and I used to think
you'd become a lesbian satanist.
Sometimes I think
you're sad I'm not.
Colleen, when I was your age,
I thought having a kid
would make me an adult,
that it was going to give me
some kind of purpose,
some sense of direction,
but, um, it didn't, not really.
And neither did
having another one.
And, um, I got older,
and there was
more and more responsibility,
and then
that just never went away,
and it got harder
and harder, and...
And, um...
I found myself
becoming very sad.
And when I was at my saddest,
I just wanted to go to sleep
and not wake up,
just sleep.
And that didn't happen either.
No matter how hard I tried,
I just kept waking up
and waking up and waking up.
And then I tried
something different.
I didn't get that moment,
Colleen,
where everything
was just suddenly okay.
I don't think
those moments exist.
I think all you can do
is keep trying
and hope that somehow trying
can be good enough.
It's good to talk, right?
Can we be friends?
Yeah, mom, we can be friends.
Is it always this fun
to be stoned?
You're expecting a mere handsaw
and a covered wooden casket?
Oh, no.
That's the old-fashioned way
of sawing people in half.
Today, magicians
are mechanized tools,
and nothing will be concealed
from your view!
Ew!
Oh, this isn't scary.
It's just horrible.
Aah!
They're coming to get you,
Barbara!
Stop it.
Shh!
What do we do?
What do we do?
Answer it.
What if it's the cops?
How could it possibly
be the cops?
How could it
possibly not be the cops?
If it's not the cops,
then who is it?
Okay, rock-paper-scissors
for who answers the door.
One, two, three.
Ah! Jacob!
Mom, dad, wake up!
Animal liberations
has taken Jacob!
Close the door!
I'll get my keys.
Come on!
Oh, my gosh, Tricia.
I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
None of this would have
happened if i...
I shouldn't have come home.
Honk at them!
Honk louder!
I can't drive and honk
at the same time!
Hurry up!
They're getting away!
Oh, god! What do you think
they're gonna do to him?
I'm trying! I'm trying!
I didn't want him to go away.
I'm sorry for everything
I've ever said or done
that's bad ever.
Tricia, it's okay.
Everybody in the whole world
thinks bad things sometimes.
It's gonna be okay.
Oh, no. That is not good.
What?
Uh, nothing.
Some people need
to be terrorized sometimes.
Watch out! Watch out!
Watch out!
"Oh, Sally,
you left me down the stairs.
I'm coming up them!"
And then a few hours later,
the doll said again,
"Sally, I'm in your room!"
Sally got really, really scared.
She pulled the covers up
and, and put a pillow
on her face.
Then, then the doll said again,
"oh, Sally,
I'm right next to you!"
Then the light
turned on suddenly,
and she saw the doll,
and the doll killed her,
and every single time
the doll kills a person,
she puts up one finger,
and if she runs out of fingers,
she grows more.
And no one knows
where the doll is now.
Tricia.
Yeah, Colleen?
Are you alive?
I think so.
Let's get out of the car.
Okay.
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier! Soldier!
Soldier!
Shoot, dog, we missed your ass!
Didn't mean
to snatch you up like that
but f-u-n doesn't
take n-o for an answer!
Whoo!
And we got you a little
welcome back surprise, soldier!
Whoo!
There we go!
Welcome home, corporal Lunsford!
Whoo!
Yeah, baby, shake that.
Jacob!
No!
Jacob!
No, Jacob!
Are you okay?
What?
Jacob?
Call an ambulance!
He can't breathe!
Thanks.
Sure thing, sugar pie.
Can I ask you a weird question?
Ask away, angel.
Do your parents
know what you do?
Sure do.
Can't say they're
happy about it, but...
We all gotta pay
our bills, right?
Yeah.
Plus, I know
they can't talk, anyway.
We're all screw-ups.
I guess that's why
we love each other.
He's in stable condition.
He's going to be okay,
but we'll need to keep him
for a week or so
to monitor him.
Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
He's a real hero
for pulling through this one.
We'll be sure
to tell him you said that.
Thanks.
Okay, we'll take it from here.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Bless y'all.
Call me if you need anything?
Okay.
All good.
I'm sorry, dad.
It's gonna be okay, sweet pea.
I'm gonna miss you guys a lot.
You can come visit us anytime.
You, too.
It's been a long time coming,
but tonight, because
of what we did on this day,
in this election,
at this defining moment,
change has come to America!
What do you ask
of this community?
I ask to be
a fully incorporated member.
God of mercy and compassion,
I celebrate your faithfulness
and love for me,
and I praise your name.
In Thanksgiving
for this gift of my vocation,
I vow to live a life of poverty,
chastity, and obedience,
and to persevere
in this community until death.
Lord, bless these rings
which we bless in your name.
Grant that those who wear them
may always have a deep faith
in each other.
May they do your will
and always live together
in peace, goodwill, and love.
We ask this
through Christ, our lord.
With this ring,
I make you my wife.
And with this ring,
I make you my husband.
All right!