Love Potion No. 9 (1992) Movie Script
I took my troubles | down to Madame Ruth
You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a pad | on 34th and Vine
Sellin' | little bottles of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I told her that I was | a flop with chicks
I've been this way | since 1956
She looked at my palm
And she made | a magic sign
She said, | What you need is
Love Potion | Number Nine
She bent down | and turned around
And gave me a wink
She said, | I'm gonna mix it up
Right here | in the sink
It smelled | like turpentine
It looked like | india ink
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop?
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
Love Potion...
About once a month,
my friends and I | get together
and do something different | for fun.
Sometimes | we go bowling
or miniature golf
or a movie | or something.
One night,
we went down | to a Gypsy palm reader
on 34th and Vine.
Let me see | your palm.
You do very badly | with women.
No. I... I... I... | I do all right.
No, you don't.
There are | no women here.
What's this?
No women.
Are you | a boy-kissy-boy?
Excuse me?
You a homosexual?
No.
I want my sister | to see this.
No, I don't.
No.
I see no women | in your life
for a long, | long time.
Maybe...
forever.
Well, that's | kind of depressing.
Yes, it is.
But I have | something for you.
Let me see.
Number 17,
number 13.
Where the hell is it?
Ahh.
Number eight.
This is | what you need.
Dilute this with water | 1,000 to 1.
You don't want it | to be too strong.
You take a sip, | and you swallow.
And when you speak,
women will fnd you | fascinating.
I'm a biochemist.
You take this.
You'll be back.
So, tell me, | there was this woman
I saw you having lunch | with the other day.
Huh?
She's just... | just somebody I work with.
Uh-huh.
Were there any | romantic possibilities?
No.
No?
Why not?
No, you see, I'm...
She's, um, | she's not my type.
Oh, she's not | your type.
That was a lie.
Except for the fact | that she had
kind of a boyfriend,
Diane was exactly my type.
I'm a comparative | psychobiologist.
I put, uh, primates...
chimpanzees... | through tests.
I note the behavior | of the subject,
and I hope the results | are analogous to humans.
Do you put electrical things | in their brains?
No.
But that's done, | isn't it?
Yes.
Why?
You can measure | electrical activity,
or, with a minute | amount of current,
you can stimulate a feeling | or... or a thought.
You can stimulate | a feeling?
Yes.
For example,
there was | this experiment
where an electrode | was planted
in the pleasure center | of a monkey's brain.
When the monkey | hit a button,
it sent a signal | to the electrode,
in effect exciting | the monkey sexually.
You're kidding.
No.
Can you guess | what happened?
Was it a male monkey?
Yes.
He slammed the button | till he died.
Oh, so, you know | this experiment.
I know men, honey.
Oh, stop.
I think she is defnitely | Paul's type.
She's got that, | uh...
je ne sais quoi,
that, uh...
Very sexy girl.
You should go | talk to her.
Really.
You should do it.
Do it.
I don't know her.
Well, | that is the point.
You go talk to her,
then you'll | know her.
Well, maybe she doesn't | want to talk to anybody.
Maybe.
Maybe she does, huh?
You got to | keep taking chances,
keep rolling | the dice
till you fnd someone | who does want to talk.
Expert advice.
Go.
I'll tell you what.
I'll pay you $20 | to go talk to her.
$20. Just go | talk to her.
No.
$40.
I don't want to do it.
$60.
$80.
$100?
Oh, O. K., O. K.
?Born to lose ? ?I've lived my...
He trapped me | by the bathroom.
He keeps me | by the bathroom.
He won't let me pass.
Can you believe it?
It's just one ugly geek | after another
in this place.
If one more of these | Radio Shack clerks...
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Uh-oh.
I don't believe this.
Can I, uh, uh,
can I buy you | a drink?
Can I ask you | a question?
Sure.
Why do you think | I'd be interested in you?
Did I look at you | or smile at you?
Did I flirt with you?
No.
Well, then what makes you | think I'd be interested?
Are you somebody special? | Is that it?
Do you do something | really fascinating?
What do you do | for a living?
Uh, I'm... | I'm a biochemist.
Do I look like | a biochemist groupie?
Well, biochemists | don't have groupies.
Why do you think | that is?
Well, it's not | a very glamorous job.
No, it's not one of your | drop-dead glamorous jobs.
I mean,
I'm sure that you fnd chemicals | very fascinating,
but do I look like somebody | who'd be interested
in a...
a... a...
a chemical person?
No. Hey, wait.
I'm doing this | for your beneft.
I mean, you wouldn't want this | to happen again,
would you?
No.
No. What's very | obvious to me
is not to you.
Look at your clothes
and then look at mine.
Do you see any kind | of a difference here?
Clothes aren't | important to you,
but they're | important to me.
Taste is very important.
I like designer clothes. | I like nice things.
I drive a BMW. | What about you?
Uh, I drive | a Volkswagen.
- Fahrvergnugen. | - Fahrvergnugen.
You know what that | really means?
Can't afford | the Mercedes.
Well, you're right.
We're not really | suited for each other,
and, uh, | so I'll just go
and get myself | a chemical girl.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying | to make a point.
I tell you what.
I'll go home | with you tonight
and be your | total sex slave...
if you can answer | one question correctly.
Ahem.
All right.
Who designed this top?
I wouldn't know.
Bye-bye, now.
[Engine Rattling]
[Police Radio]
[Rattling]
You're supposed to come | to a complete stop at the sign.
Can I see your driver's license, | your registration,
your proof | of insurance, please?
Yeah.
What the hell | kind of car is this?
It's an Alta Pazzoli.
My car s-stalls
unless I keep | my... my foot on the gas,
and I was | just trying to get...
I've already had | two moving violations this year,
and if I get a third, | they might cancel my insurance, so...
do you think | that maybe you could...
please make this | a warning?
Is this | your correct address?
Yeah.
[Engine Backfring | And Sputtering]
[Engine Backfres]
Hello.
You have zero messages.
Hello.
You have zero messages.
[Classical Music Plays]
[Same Classical Music | Plays]
Bad.
This is bad.
Bad.
[Meow]
Come here. | Come here.
[Meow]
Bad rice.
Bad rice.
Be quiet.
I am very serious.
So am I.
I love you so much.
I want to tell you | that I love you.
[Telephone Rings]
[Meow]
[Ring]
Hello.
[Meow]
It's all right.
You don't have | to apologize.
I made 100 bucks | off of it, didn't I?
A gift?
Right now?
Well, yeah.
Well, what kind of gift?
Hi.
[Coughs]
Ahem.
I'm Marisa.
[Ring]
Hey.
Gary?
Yeah.
Are you alone?
Yes, of course | I'm alone.
Do you want to be?
?You're no good ? ?Heartbreaker ? ?You're a liar... ? [Knock On Door]
[Knock Knock]
?I don't know why ? ?I let you do | these things to me ? Hi.
?My friends | keep tellin' me ? Oh, come on in.
?That you ain't no good ? How are you?
?Whoa ? ?But they don't know ? O. K.
?That I've been...
That's nice.
Is that a new couch?
No. I've had it | about a year.
It looks new.
Well, I keep it | in good shape.
Are you still working | with your father?
Yeah.
What?
I...
Oh, man.
Got to go.
Did you...
put on | a little weight?
[Zips Pants Up]
Uh, can I | get you something?
What do you got?
I have some | terrifc wines.
Do you have any, uh...
gin?
Gin?
Sure.
Gin on the rocks.
Um...
gin.
Tangueray, | if you got it.
O. K.
Can I use | your bathroom?
[Gargling]
[Door Opens]
[Squeak]
[Car Engine]
[Door Closes]
[Engine Starts]
How'd it go?
Great.
He just | wanted to talk.
Oh, you should've | seen his stereo.
I bet | it's worth thousands.
[Tires Screech]
[Tires Screech]
[Meow Meow]
[Meow]
[Rarrr]
[Meow]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Rarrr]
Oh!
Pay attention.
Number six.
I've got to | talk to you.
I've got to | tell you something.
About four hours later, | they started to leave.
Whatever had happened
had stopped happening.
And then, | when I was cleaning up,
I found this | in some milk.
Milk.
You get it?
I mean, | cats like milk.
Yeah?
Well, the Gypsy said | when you speak, right?
So, maybe it has something | to do with sound.
I mean, after all, | you scratch a blackboard,
and it drives you | up the wall.
Maybe there's | a sound that...
you know, drives you up | another wall.
You don't | believe me?
No. I'd... I'd like | to believe you.
What do you | want from me?
Now, | are... are you sure?
Are you | absolutely positive?
I'm positive.
Nothing to worry about.
It's a... | It's a salt.
It's a condensed | liquid salt.
You want me | to take it?
No.
O. K.
[Aah-Aah-Aah-Aah]
[Aah-Aah-Aah]
Didn't sound | unusual to me.
How'd it sound | to you?
Well, I... I mean, | I... I wouldn't know.
Is that an unusual sound | for a chimp?
No.
[Crash]
That... That's Romeo.
He's trying to break | through the wall!
What's he | trying to do?
[Banging]
He's breaking | through the wall!
No, no, no. Don't.
He'll rip | your arm off.
Don't. Don't.
Well, I...
[Banging]
Is he dead?
No.
He's asleep.
After weeks of testing,
we discovered | how it works.
When swallowed, it affects | the vocal cords directly,
so when you speak,
microtremors encoded | within your voice
stimulate | tiny little hairs
in the inner ear | of the opposite sex.
The vibration sends | a signal to the brain,
which, in turn, | produces a combination
of mood-altering | endogenous chemicals
responsible for | the biochemical process
of feeling in love.
We also discovered | that, one...
It made members | of the same sex hostile.
Two...
It had to be diluted.
Full strength | was far too strong.
And three...
It would only work | for four hours at a time.
The next logical step | was to test it on humans,
but who?
We felt a deep | moral obligation to mankind
to make sure this | potentially dangerous drug
didn't fall into | the wrong hands,
but where could we find | test subjects we could trust?
Th-this is | scientifcally unorthodox,
but...
perhaps we could | both take samples
and test it ourselves in | a real-world environment.
I mean, Diane, | we're both...
prudent and... and | responsible people.
So, for the sake | of all mankind,
we divided up the remainder | of the potion
and agreed not to speak | for three weeks.
[Engine Rattling]
[Engine Backfres]
Can I see your driver's license, | your registration,
your proof of | insurance, please?
[Clears Throat]
Let's just...
let this go | with a warning.
Thank you.
Heh heh.
I... I get off | in... in about an hour...
and, uh...
I was... I was | wondering...
could we | maybe...
have a drink?
I don't think so.
Insurance | has been canceled.
" R. T. Moreno. "
Hi.
Can I help you?
?I need a man ? ?I need a man ? ?I need a man ? ?I need a man
?YMCA ? ?It's fun to stay at the ? ?YMCA, yeah ? ?They have everything... ? Excuse me.
Who would be | Ms. Moreno's supervisor?
[Village People] | ?YMCA ? ?It's fun to stay at the ? ?YMCA... ? Uh...
?YMCA...
That would be, um...
the district manager...
Dick Webster.
Dick.
Three tickets. Oh, my.
You didn't kill anybody, | did you?
No.
Good.
Bill... Dick Webster.
I have a cancellation | I want reversed.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, it is | very beautiful, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Dino!
[Speaking Italian]
Si, | signore.
Has anybody | ever told you
how beautiful | you are?
No.
Nobody in their right mind.
Excuse me, please.
I have met beautiful | women before...
many | beautiful women...
but you...
you are the most | beautiful woman
I have ever seen | in my life.
I know this | sounds ridiculous,
but do you believe in | love at first sight?
Bravo!
La via!
I want you | to have this.
I can't.
Please, indulge me. | Take it.
I don't feel | this way very often,
and I would like | you to have this.
Oh!
This is your car?
This is an | Alta Pazzoli.
I know.
I am Enrico Pazzoli.
I own the company | that manufactures this car.
[Car Doesn't Start]
Thank you.
The governor is giving | a little party this evening.
I have nobody | to accompany me.
Would you please | come with me?
I... I really | don't think so.
Why? Are you married?
No, no.
You are engaged? | You have a fiance?
No, no.
A lover? | A boyfriend?
Um... no.
A girlfriend?
No!
Then, uh, your | grandmother is sick,
and you must | stay with her?
She's dead.
I'm sorry.
It's O. K. | She died 20 years ago.
Then why don't you | come with me?
[Knock On Door]
Buona sera.
Is something wrong?
You're wearing a tuxedo.
Oh, of course.
The party's | a formal affair.
Didn't I | tell you?
No.
Ohh... | I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
But we have | plenty of time.
Please, | put on a gown.
I will be happy | to wait.
I don't own a gown.
Royalty usually arrives | after the guests.
However, Prince Geoffrey didn't | want to miss meeting any of the girls.
It is all right.
Don't be afraid.
You look, uh...
maravigliosa.
And in the alpha males, | seratonin receptor levels
were found to be | up-regulated,
and cetohybridization | has shown
that they will co-localize | with dopamine.
- Well! | - Hmm! | - Oh!
What's the difference between | ignorance and indifference?
I don't know, | and I don't care.
[Diane Laughing]
Enrico, thank you.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
[Beep]
Hello. | You have 67 messages.
?All my friends | know the low rider... ? Fahrvergnugen.
?The low rider ? ?Is a little higher ? Hi.
My name's Cheryl.
Aren't you going to | tell me your name?
Paul.
Why are you looking | at me like that?
I'm just curious to | what you're thinking.
I'm not going | to tell you.
?The low rider ? I prefer to be | a bit mysterious.
Oh.
Do you like | mysterious girls?
No.
Oh.
What kind of girls | do you like?
Honest and direct.
I don't like mystery.
Oh, I... I was just kidding | about the mystery part.
Oh, yeah.
I can be direct.
I can be | very direct.
?The low rider...
Yeah.
In fact, I can | be so direct,
it would | scare you.
Are you scared?
Nope.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is great.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
O. K., O. K.
Is that direct | enough for you?
Yeah, yeah.
That was excellent, | excellent directness.
So why don't we just | get out of here?
We can go back | to my place.
O. K.
O. K. I-I'll | go home with you.
I'll go home | with you,
and I'll be everything | you've ever wanted in a man
if...
you can answer one | question correctly.
What?
How do you synthesize | a methylated alkaloid?
I don't know.
[Makes Buzzer Sound]
Bye, now.
Yes.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Whoo!
[Humming]
It was late, | but the bars were open,
and I still | felt the urge
to continue | with my research.
It was 100% effective.
No matter | what they were doing
or whoever | they were with,
they wanted you!
You were the one they were | looking for their entire lives.
You were funny, | intelligent,
but above all, | you were very, very sexy.
It worked, | and it worked miracles.
It absolutely eliminated | any fear that they
wouldn't like you or that | you weren't good enough.
Instead of taking years of painfully | coming to grips with reality,
you change reality.
Reality comes to you.
You didn't have to be | good-looking,
well-dressed, or rich.
It didn't matter.
You just had to speak.
So...
how do you like | those pretzels?
And you didn't have to | be funny, intelligent,
or insightful.
It didn't matter | what you said.
Content had nothing | to do with it.
So...
you like those radials?
They say that | power corrupts,
and absolute power | corrupts absolutely.
Well...
they're right.
They also say that | the path of excess
leads to | the palace of wisdom.
My palace of wisdom
was the Sigma Delta Pi | Sorority House.
[Beethoven's | Fifth Symphony Plays]
I learned a lot | that night.
I learned a lot | about myself.
I learned a lot | about women.
I also learned about | an obscure panty raid law
which prohibits men | to be in a sorority house
after 9 p. m.
How's it going?
Can I help you?
No. I'm here | to see a friend.
And who is that?
Diane Farrow.
I'm sorry, | but Miss Farrow
isn't expecting | company.
Oh, I'm just | dropping by.
I'm sorry.
Listen, why don't | you go tell her
that Gary Logan | is here?
All right.
Stan, there's a | Gary Logan out here
to see | Miss Farrow.
I'm sorry.
You're kidding.
No. | She has company.
Oh.
Who is that guy?
Prince Geoffrey.
Prince?
Prince of what?
England.
Unbelievable.
Ahem.
Is, uh...
Thank you.
Right through here?
Diane?
Wow!
- Bye! | - Bye, Diane!
Jesus Christ, | you... you look great!
What did you do?
You got a haircut?
Well, that is | a great haircut.
You got your teeth fxed.
Oh, you're on the potion!
You're on the po...
So, uh...
nice... nice clothes.
Did you buy those?
Really?
Ah. Having fun, huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
"What were you doing
in the sorority?"
Uh...
what was I doing | in the sorority?
Ha ha ha ha ha...
Oh, no.
I... I was, um...
I was, uh...
I can't tell you. | I'm sorry. I can't.
I was doing research.
I... I was.
What?
What?
Oh, you're kidding.
Heh. Uh... heh heh.
Uh... ahem.
All right, | all right, all right.
Can you keep a secret?
So can I.
I'm sorry. | I... I just...
Oh, look, | that is not fair,
because you're | on the potion.
You can't talk.
How do I know you | haven't been doing
some unspeakably | sordid things?
What?
You're kidding.
What are you,
dating the president?
Who's in there?
You look familiar.
Uh, I'm the prince | of England.
Ow.
Oh.
Paul, we're going to | a charity arts auction tonight.
Would you | like to come?
You're not speaking.
Why aren't you | speaking?
You notice Diane | isn't speaking?
Oh! You're playing the mute game | again, aren't you?
Yes, you are!
She's playing | the mute game again.
[British Accent] | Really?
So, you are coming | to the party.
Tell him to come | to the party.
That's mute for,
"you must come. "
Oh, uh... | you have a tux?
Your highness, | how wonderful to see you.
Jane Childs from | the arts council.
Miss Childs, | so nice to see you.
These are my friends | Paul and Diane.
How do you do?
This is one of our | new South American sculptors.
He's going to be | having a one-man show here.
Thanks.
Uh, shall we go?
Coming, Paul?
No? All right, then.
Have you met | our mayor Mr. Cox?
[Geoffrey] | No, I haven't had the pleasure.
...plaster cast mold,
and then it was done | in the lost wax method,
which is why it's so | anatomically correct.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
He's awfully good | with the ladies.
A 2. Oh, deuces are wild. | I got the 2.
Uh, the 3 is yours.
Uh... the king is for me.
Here's a 4.
4 and, um...
I'm sorry. | We can't do this.
Could I talk to you?
Uh, would you excuse me | for a minute?
Ladies and gentlemen, | the auction is about to begin.
Please join us | at the forum.
Prince Geoffrey | may be turning in
his wicked, wicked ways
for American monkey | psychiatrist Diane Farrow.
Miss Farrow, who | as a comparative psychobiologist
has had considerable | experience taming wild beasts,
has tamed the untamable | king of the jungle
Prince Geoffrey of York.
As far as Buckingham Palace | is concerned,
sources tell us | the queen mum is staying mum
until she gets to meet | the pretty American psychologist.
Hi.
Guess what.
What?
Geoffrey proposed | to me last night.
W-W-W-What'd | you tell him?
I told him I would | think about it.
Think about it.
W-Why'd you | tell him that?
[Clears Throat]
You know...
all my life,
I've felt...
ugly.
And now I have | the world's most desirable man
telling me that | I am beautiful.
I have the prince of England | at home pining for me.
This is a dream come true.
I could be a princess.
You're disturbed.
W-What causes this?
Well, I haven't had | a date in four years.
What?
Uh, well, your... your... | the joke about the date.
Well, what about it?
Well, Diane... | we had a date.
We had a date?
Yeah. Remember?
No, I don't.
The lunch... | we went out to lunch.
That was a date?
Yeah.
I thought a date was when | you went to somebody's house
and you picked them up
and you took them out | to dinner.
Well, that is | a conventional date,
but you... you don't | have to do that.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I had no idea that | that was a date.
Was there a second date | that I'm not aware of?
No. Because you said you | had kind of a boyfriend.
Oh.
Well, he's not a boyfriend.
No?
No.
Are you hungry?
Yeah.
Do you want to go out | and get something to eat?
You know, I'll drive | to your house,
and I'll pick you up | and...
talk to your father.
So this is a date?
This is | defnitely a date.
O. K.
And then something | magical happened.
For the first time | in my life,
I felt something perfect.
Once you feel that feeling, | that perfect feeling,
you want it to last | forever,
but since love | comes with no guarantee,
you do what you can do,
and the only thing | you can do
is get married.
So you plan | your moment carefully,
making it as enticing | and romantic as possible.
And if they accept, | you marry
and cross your fingers | and hope it lasts.
I couldn't wait to spend | the rest of my life with Diane.
I booked this great old | bed and breakfast
on a bluff | overlooking the ocean.
We'd go out | and watch the sunset...
?Pain in my heart ? Diane?
?You're treating me cold ? Uh...
?Where can my baby be? ? Where are you?
?Lord, no one knows ? ?Pain in my heart ? Just won't let me sleep ? ?Where can my baby be? ? ?Lord, where can she be? ? [Ring]
?I began | to get tough ? Hello?
?I said I want you | to come back... ? No. You've got | a wrong number.
?Come back, come back, | baby ? ?I know ? ?Oh ? ?A little pain | in my heart
[Telephone Rings]
Hello?
Diane, what happened to you? | Where are you?
Hi.
Where have you been?
Huh?
Paul...
so much has happened.
So much.
Tell me.
Well, um...
last week...
something happened | between us.
Uh-huh.
Well, we became...
friends.
Friends?
Yeah, I mean...
it's important, isn't it, | to be... friends?
Well, yeah, but, uh, | I mean, uh...
I thought we became | more than friends.
There's something | I think I should tell you.
I've been | seeing someone...
off and on for about, | um, 10 years,
and... and there | were problems.
I mean, it never, never | really worked out,
but all of a sudden, | it's like he's come around.
He's changed.
It's like a dream | come true for me.
It's great.
Gary...
um, Gary, this is Paul.
Paul, this is Gary.
Paul...
Paul, please, | don't be upset.
We can still be | friends, can't we?
At first I was a mess,
and then things | just got worse.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't do anything | but think of Diane.
I had no choice. | I had to get her back.
I did what | everybody does
when they're in love | with somebody
who's in love | with somebody else...
You pretend you're willing | to be just friends,
but really you're out to sabotage | their relationship.
I'd gently steer Diane into | the morass of Gary's many faults.
Since I didn't know Gary,
I had to find out what | exactly these faults were.
So how's it | with, uh, Gary?
Gary's great.
He's a handsome guy.
You think so?
He looks great | in a towel, too.
He could be | a big towel model.
What's he like?
I didn't really get | a chance to meet him.
Well, um...
can you imagine feeling | something with someone
that just feels... | perfect?
Yeah.
That's how I would | describe Gary.
He's just... perfect.
Perfect?
Wow... perfect.
Besides perfect, | w-what is he like?
Well, he's, uh...
he's kind of | a perfectionist.
So... So he's perfect, | and he's a perfectionist.
So, yeah.
I mean... | but what does that mean?
He's punctual?
Well, he's, um...
Oh, he's very resolute.
He wants to do | what he wants to do.
Is that good?
Do you like that | about him?
Usually.
Not always?
Well, it...
Sometimes he just | likes to do things
that I... I really | don't like to do.
[Telephone Rings]
Oh. I'm sorry.
Hello?
Hi.
Oh, I was just | talking to Paul.
Gary, we're just friends.
Gary, I...
O. K.
O. K.
I love you.
All right.
I love you.
O. K. Bye.
Gary doesn't want me | talking to you anymore.
Diane, | what do you want?
I don't want | to lose him.
I love him.
Sorry.
This plan was clearly | not going to work.
Gary's influence | over Diane was too powerful.
She'd do anything | to make him happy.
It was like she'd joined | some kind of cult.
I went from feeling I'd be | in love with Diane forever
to wondering if I'd ever fall | in love with anyone again.
I would.
[Honk Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk Honk]
[Knock Knock]
Oh, hi.
Hi. I was | in the area.
I thought I'd stop | by and say hello.
Oh, that was | very nice of you.
Uh... do you | want to come in?
O. K.
Can I use | your bathroom?
So, uh... | what is it you do again?
Accountant or something?
There we go.
So is that | everything?
Yeah, this is | the whole thing.
Cables?
The cables are in with | the instruction books.
Good job, buddy.
You're coming right | back, right?
You bet.
O. K. Bye-bye.
I gave her anything I had | of value,
including all | the love potion.
I tried explaining how it | affects the pharyngeals,
but this was clearly | a woman more interested
in fiduciary gain | than in science.
Great girl.
For four hours, I could | think of nothing but Marisa...
Beautiful, intelligent, | all-around wonderful gal Marisa.
Then four hours later...
I could've strangled her.
I couldn't believe | how powerful an influence
the potion had over me.
I would've done anything | to make Marisa happy.
It was like I had joined | some kind of cult.
You sold all of it, | the whole bottle?
Yes.
The person who bought this, | what did they look like?
Tall, very handsome, | dark eyes, dark hair.
Did he wear a ring?
Yes.
A gold snake with | rubies for eyes.
Hello?
Diane, I just got back | from Madame Ruth's.
Gary is using | the potion on you.
I'm in love with him.
No, you're not. | Go away for four hours
and see if you're still | in love with him.
Paul, this is | ridiculous.
Why does he make you take | the telephone everywhere?
Does he call you | every four hours?
He thinks you're using | the love potion on me.
Don't tell him! | He's the enemy!
[Gary] Just hang up | the phone, Diane.
He must have | found out about it.
Did you write it down?
I have to go.
[Gary] | Hang up the phone.
He must have read | your journal and...
[Click]
Diane.
I'm not listening | to you.
I am not using it. | He is.
It'll wear off someday,
and you'll be pregnant, | and you'll be married,
and you'll have | that asshole's children.
It'll wear off. | You'll be married to a man you hate
with a bunch of little | assholes running around!
I kept calling her,
but she wouldn't | take my calls.
I wrote her letters,
but they came back | unanswered.
I tried confronting Gary.
That didn't work.
There was only one stone | left unturned.
Do you have an antidote
or something | more powerful or...
Sit down.
Years ago | there was a plague.
It affected many people.
It did not in any way | make them feel ill.
They lived long lives, | but...
something inside of them | died...
The capacity | to love forever.
This is the cure.
Love Potion Number Nine | does not create emotion.
It purifes it.
Love is often obscured
by doubt, | prejudice, suspicion.
With number nine,
all that is eliminated.
It becomes pure.
The greatest tragedy | in life
is when love fades.
With Love Potion | Number Nine,
it never fades.
So if you ever | loved each other
and you both | take this potion,
you will love each other | again,
as much as you ever | loved each other...
forever.
Are you absolutely sure | she was in love with you?
Uh...
mm-hmm.
Why?
If you both | take this potion
and you were | in love with her
but she really never | was in love with you,
you will love her for | the rest of your life,
and she will hate you | for the rest of hers.
Great.
How does it work?
She said drink from | the same cup, then kiss.
Five minutes later, | it will take effect.
If your heart is willing and can | be pleased, wait and listen,
and you'll hear a song | from the breeze.
So if you're willing | to fall in love,
and fve minutes | after the big smooch,
you'll hear | this wind musical thing,
and whoosh, | you're in love forever.
If your heart is stubborn | like the heart of a fool,
you will taste | the sweat of a mule.
So if you're an asshole | and not willing to commit,
then fve minutes | after the kiss,
you'll taste mule sweat,
which, I imagine, | is terrible.
So if I take this potion | with Diane,
I kiss her, | fve minutes later...
assuming that she's | still in love with me...
number nine | will override number eight,
no matter how much | Gary takes number eight.
That's assuming | she's in love with me.
Paul...
And this is the reason | why you guys are here...
Diane's not talking to me,
so she's not going to | willingly take the potion.
I'm going | to need your help.
The plan is very simple.
We go to her house, | I knock on the door...
You guys wait | on the foyer...
If she answers, I burst in. | You guys follow.
If she doesn't, | we knock down the door,
grab her, hold her down, | I tickle her knee,
and her mouth will open.
I force the potion in, | get her to swallow it.
I kiss her. Then we wait | for fve minutes.
Of course, getting her | to swallow
is going to be | the toughest part
'cause, hey, you know, | women don't want to swallow.
Sorry. Uh...
Oh, also, if Gary is there,
it's going to get physical,
'cause, uh...
But there are four of us,
and I think we can | take him...
unless he has a gun,
but chances | are pretty remote.
You guys have any questions?
What? What? | What's with that look?
You don't believe me?
It's not a matter | of not believing you.
It's just...
I think it is a matter | of not believing you.
Not only that, | but you're asking us
to break | a number of laws...
breaking and entering, | assault, battery.
Ron, do you | believe me?
I'd sooner believe | the Single Bullet Theory.
[Knock On Door]
Hold on.
I'm running kind of low, | sweetheart.
This Gary guy has the rest | of the potion, right?
Yeah, that's right.
Great.
Bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye.
- Bye. | - Bye-bye.
[Laughing]
[Coughing]
My God.
She's an angel.
That bitch.
She took my Rolex | and my wallet.
Yes. Yes, | that's right.
I'd like to report | a stolen Visa Card.
Thank you.
What am I going | to tellJudy?
Tell her | you're a schmuck.
You guys going | to help me now or what?
Remember. What do you | do if Marisa shows up?
Beat the living shit | out of her.
Cover your ears. | Yell and scream.
Don't listen to her.
What if | Gary shows up?
Beat the living shit | out of him.
Good.
Shh.
Hi.
Hello.
Are you Diane's | friend?
- Yeah. Who are you? | - Paul.
You're the Paul | she works with?
Yeah.
The one she | hit it off with?
She told me | not to talk to you.
There's something strange | going on here, isn't there?
Yes, there is.
Suddenly she's dating | the prince of England,
then she's crazy | about you,
now she's marrying | the schmuck.
Marrying? | She's marrying him?
- Yes. | - When?
In about an hour.
Oh, Jesus.
She forgot this | in all the excitement.
Uh, hi.
What's happening here?
Would you like me | to tell you?
You get her to drink | from the glass,
then bring the glass | back to me.
I'll sip from it, | come in, and kiss her.
So this guy Gary, | is he big?
Yeah.
Now, you said that she | was crazy about me.
Is that the word | she used, crazy?
Yes.
Did she ever say that | she was in love with me?
Did she use | that word?
No. She said crazy.
[Cork Pops]
[Madame Ruth] | If your heart is decisive
and your heart | can be pleased,
wait and listen.
You will hear | a song from the breeze.
Oh, great.
This is great.
Oh, O. K.
Now, it is | a tradition
for the bride | and the matron of honor
to drink | champagne
out of each | other's glasses.
It is?
It is.
It's sort of | an Irish thing.
Did you | know that?
No.
Well, uh, pour.
Grandma.
O. K.
Um...
Here.
O. K. Now, hold | your glass up
really nice | and high.
O. K.
And... to Diane
and... whoever.
Gary.
Right.
You look beautiful.
Mmm.
Gary, get out | of here!
It's bad luck for the groom | to see the bride
before | the wedding.
Well, then,
here's to bad luck.
[Madame Ruth] | There is something you can do.
You must drink | from the same glass,
then kiss her.
Drink from | the same glass, then kiss her?
She will | fall in love
with the man | she loved most
and hate the other | forever,
but if you wait too long, | it won't work.
Hmm...
No...
Whoa...
No...
Aah!
Back up.
Oh!
Just get out.
No!
O. K., move. | I'll crack this...
Put it down!
Just step aside. | Diane...
Oh, God!
Diane. Diane.
Mmm!
Look, fellas, | I... I... I...
I'm not crazy, | O. K.?
I'm not insane.
Mmm, oh, no!
Hello, Gary.
Now, listen. | I know you're in a hurry
to get married,
so let's skip | the small talk.
You've got something | I want.
Oh.
It's so...
thick.
You're supposed | to dilute it.
Completely pure?
[Madame Ruth] | If your heart is stubborn
like the heart | of a fool,
you'll wait, | hear nothing,
but taste the sweat | of the mule.
What?
What are you | doing?
[Spitting]
Stop!
Gary.
Let me do this.
Gary, don't!
Stop!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
If any present | knows any reason
why they may not lawfully | be joined in marriage,
let them speak now
or forever | hold their peace.
Yecchh!
[Coughing]
Do you, Diane Farrow,
take this man to be your | lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness | and in health,
as long as you both | shall live?
I do.
The ring.
[Cough Cough Cough]
Excuse me.
What's going on?
You bitch!
You god damn whore!
Ow!
Tramp!
You bitch!
Jesus Christ!
Uh, guys, we got | a major code 29
right outside.
Everybody out!
Get with it, guys!
Move!
Go, go!
Everybody move!
[Waltz Of The Flowers | Plays]
Help!
[Singing]
Help!
?Mo mo ? ?Hmm, mo ? ?Ooh, yeah ? [Humming And Singing]
?Ooh ? ?Ma, ma, ma, ma, ? ?Ma, ma, ma, ma,
[Telephone] | If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up | and try again.
If you need help, | dial 0.
[Beeping]
[Car Engines Running]
[Tires Squeal]
Diane.
Where have you been?
Oh!
No!
Um, touch your fnger | to your nose.
Hop on one foot.
Put your hands | in the air
and go...
Grab your nipples like this, | real hard.
You like that, | don't you?
Ooh.
[All] | Ooh.
Now I think it's time | for a little magic.
Well, I'd like to tell you
that five minutes | after I kissed Diane,
she came running out | into my arms
and that we fell in love | forever,
but that's not | what happened.
It took six minutes.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Let's get out | of here.
O. K.
[Madame Ruth] | Ahh, that's nice.
?I took my troubles | down to Madame Ruth ? ?You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth ? ?She's got a storefront | at 34th and Vine ? ?Sellin' | little bottles of ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Oh, oh, oh ? ?I told her everything | was goin' fne ? ?Everything | except that man of mine ? ?She looked at my palm ? ?Made a magic sign ? ?Said, | What you need is ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?She jumped down, | turned around ? ?Gave me a wink ? ?Said, | I'm gonna mix it up ? ?Right here | in the sink ? ?It smelled | like turpentine ? ?Looked like | india ink ? ?I held my nose, | closed my eyes ? ?I took a drink ? ?Didn't know if | it was day or night ? ?I started kissin' | every man in sight ? ?Never been | so turned on ? ?Never felt so fne ? ?Gonna give | my man some ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?I didn't know | if it was day or night ? ?I started kissin' | every man in sight ? ?Never been | so turned on ? ?Never felt so fne ? ?Gonna give | my man some ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion Number ? ?When I get | the notion ? ?I take | a little potion ? ?Love Potion...
You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a pad | on 34th and Vine
Sellin' | little bottles of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I told her that I was | a flop with chicks
I've been this way | since 1956
She looked at my palm
And she made | a magic sign
She said, | What you need is
Love Potion | Number Nine
She bent down | and turned around
And gave me a wink
She said, | I'm gonna mix it up
Right here | in the sink
It smelled | like turpentine
It looked like | india ink
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
I held my nose, | I closed my eyes
I took a drink
I didn't know | if it was day or night
I started kissin' | everything in sight
But when | I kissed a cop?
At 34th and Vine
He broke | my little bottle of
Love Potion | Number Nine
Love Potion...
About once a month,
my friends and I | get together
and do something different | for fun.
Sometimes | we go bowling
or miniature golf
or a movie | or something.
One night,
we went down | to a Gypsy palm reader
on 34th and Vine.
Let me see | your palm.
You do very badly | with women.
No. I... I... I... | I do all right.
No, you don't.
There are | no women here.
What's this?
No women.
Are you | a boy-kissy-boy?
Excuse me?
You a homosexual?
No.
I want my sister | to see this.
No, I don't.
No.
I see no women | in your life
for a long, | long time.
Maybe...
forever.
Well, that's | kind of depressing.
Yes, it is.
But I have | something for you.
Let me see.
Number 17,
number 13.
Where the hell is it?
Ahh.
Number eight.
This is | what you need.
Dilute this with water | 1,000 to 1.
You don't want it | to be too strong.
You take a sip, | and you swallow.
And when you speak,
women will fnd you | fascinating.
I'm a biochemist.
You take this.
You'll be back.
So, tell me, | there was this woman
I saw you having lunch | with the other day.
Huh?
She's just... | just somebody I work with.
Uh-huh.
Were there any | romantic possibilities?
No.
No?
Why not?
No, you see, I'm...
She's, um, | she's not my type.
Oh, she's not | your type.
That was a lie.
Except for the fact | that she had
kind of a boyfriend,
Diane was exactly my type.
I'm a comparative | psychobiologist.
I put, uh, primates...
chimpanzees... | through tests.
I note the behavior | of the subject,
and I hope the results | are analogous to humans.
Do you put electrical things | in their brains?
No.
But that's done, | isn't it?
Yes.
Why?
You can measure | electrical activity,
or, with a minute | amount of current,
you can stimulate a feeling | or... or a thought.
You can stimulate | a feeling?
Yes.
For example,
there was | this experiment
where an electrode | was planted
in the pleasure center | of a monkey's brain.
When the monkey | hit a button,
it sent a signal | to the electrode,
in effect exciting | the monkey sexually.
You're kidding.
No.
Can you guess | what happened?
Was it a male monkey?
Yes.
He slammed the button | till he died.
Oh, so, you know | this experiment.
I know men, honey.
Oh, stop.
I think she is defnitely | Paul's type.
She's got that, | uh...
je ne sais quoi,
that, uh...
Very sexy girl.
You should go | talk to her.
Really.
You should do it.
Do it.
I don't know her.
Well, | that is the point.
You go talk to her,
then you'll | know her.
Well, maybe she doesn't | want to talk to anybody.
Maybe.
Maybe she does, huh?
You got to | keep taking chances,
keep rolling | the dice
till you fnd someone | who does want to talk.
Expert advice.
Go.
I'll tell you what.
I'll pay you $20 | to go talk to her.
$20. Just go | talk to her.
No.
$40.
I don't want to do it.
$60.
$80.
$100?
Oh, O. K., O. K.
?Born to lose ? ?I've lived my...
He trapped me | by the bathroom.
He keeps me | by the bathroom.
He won't let me pass.
Can you believe it?
It's just one ugly geek | after another
in this place.
If one more of these | Radio Shack clerks...
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Uh-oh.
I don't believe this.
Can I, uh, uh,
can I buy you | a drink?
Can I ask you | a question?
Sure.
Why do you think | I'd be interested in you?
Did I look at you | or smile at you?
Did I flirt with you?
No.
Well, then what makes you | think I'd be interested?
Are you somebody special? | Is that it?
Do you do something | really fascinating?
What do you do | for a living?
Uh, I'm... | I'm a biochemist.
Do I look like | a biochemist groupie?
Well, biochemists | don't have groupies.
Why do you think | that is?
Well, it's not | a very glamorous job.
No, it's not one of your | drop-dead glamorous jobs.
I mean,
I'm sure that you fnd chemicals | very fascinating,
but do I look like somebody | who'd be interested
in a...
a... a...
a chemical person?
No. Hey, wait.
I'm doing this | for your beneft.
I mean, you wouldn't want this | to happen again,
would you?
No.
No. What's very | obvious to me
is not to you.
Look at your clothes
and then look at mine.
Do you see any kind | of a difference here?
Clothes aren't | important to you,
but they're | important to me.
Taste is very important.
I like designer clothes. | I like nice things.
I drive a BMW. | What about you?
Uh, I drive | a Volkswagen.
- Fahrvergnugen. | - Fahrvergnugen.
You know what that | really means?
Can't afford | the Mercedes.
Well, you're right.
We're not really | suited for each other,
and, uh, | so I'll just go
and get myself | a chemical girl.
I'm sorry.
I was just trying | to make a point.
I tell you what.
I'll go home | with you tonight
and be your | total sex slave...
if you can answer | one question correctly.
Ahem.
All right.
Who designed this top?
I wouldn't know.
Bye-bye, now.
[Engine Rattling]
[Police Radio]
[Rattling]
You're supposed to come | to a complete stop at the sign.
Can I see your driver's license, | your registration,
your proof | of insurance, please?
Yeah.
What the hell | kind of car is this?
It's an Alta Pazzoli.
My car s-stalls
unless I keep | my... my foot on the gas,
and I was | just trying to get...
I've already had | two moving violations this year,
and if I get a third, | they might cancel my insurance, so...
do you think | that maybe you could...
please make this | a warning?
Is this | your correct address?
Yeah.
[Engine Backfring | And Sputtering]
[Engine Backfres]
Hello.
You have zero messages.
Hello.
You have zero messages.
[Classical Music Plays]
[Same Classical Music | Plays]
Bad.
This is bad.
Bad.
[Meow]
Come here. | Come here.
[Meow]
Bad rice.
Bad rice.
Be quiet.
I am very serious.
So am I.
I love you so much.
I want to tell you | that I love you.
[Telephone Rings]
[Meow]
[Ring]
Hello.
[Meow]
It's all right.
You don't have | to apologize.
I made 100 bucks | off of it, didn't I?
A gift?
Right now?
Well, yeah.
Well, what kind of gift?
Hi.
[Coughs]
Ahem.
I'm Marisa.
[Ring]
Hey.
Gary?
Yeah.
Are you alone?
Yes, of course | I'm alone.
Do you want to be?
?You're no good ? ?Heartbreaker ? ?You're a liar... ? [Knock On Door]
[Knock Knock]
?I don't know why ? ?I let you do | these things to me ? Hi.
?My friends | keep tellin' me ? Oh, come on in.
?That you ain't no good ? How are you?
?Whoa ? ?But they don't know ? O. K.
?That I've been...
That's nice.
Is that a new couch?
No. I've had it | about a year.
It looks new.
Well, I keep it | in good shape.
Are you still working | with your father?
Yeah.
What?
I...
Oh, man.
Got to go.
Did you...
put on | a little weight?
[Zips Pants Up]
Uh, can I | get you something?
What do you got?
I have some | terrifc wines.
Do you have any, uh...
gin?
Gin?
Sure.
Gin on the rocks.
Um...
gin.
Tangueray, | if you got it.
O. K.
Can I use | your bathroom?
[Gargling]
[Door Opens]
[Squeak]
[Car Engine]
[Door Closes]
[Engine Starts]
How'd it go?
Great.
He just | wanted to talk.
Oh, you should've | seen his stereo.
I bet | it's worth thousands.
[Tires Screech]
[Tires Screech]
[Meow Meow]
[Meow]
[Rarrr]
[Meow]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Meowing]
[Rarrr]
Oh!
Pay attention.
Number six.
I've got to | talk to you.
I've got to | tell you something.
About four hours later, | they started to leave.
Whatever had happened
had stopped happening.
And then, | when I was cleaning up,
I found this | in some milk.
Milk.
You get it?
I mean, | cats like milk.
Yeah?
Well, the Gypsy said | when you speak, right?
So, maybe it has something | to do with sound.
I mean, after all, | you scratch a blackboard,
and it drives you | up the wall.
Maybe there's | a sound that...
you know, drives you up | another wall.
You don't | believe me?
No. I'd... I'd like | to believe you.
What do you | want from me?
Now, | are... are you sure?
Are you | absolutely positive?
I'm positive.
Nothing to worry about.
It's a... | It's a salt.
It's a condensed | liquid salt.
You want me | to take it?
No.
O. K.
[Aah-Aah-Aah-Aah]
[Aah-Aah-Aah]
Didn't sound | unusual to me.
How'd it sound | to you?
Well, I... I mean, | I... I wouldn't know.
Is that an unusual sound | for a chimp?
No.
[Crash]
That... That's Romeo.
He's trying to break | through the wall!
What's he | trying to do?
[Banging]
He's breaking | through the wall!
No, no, no. Don't.
He'll rip | your arm off.
Don't. Don't.
Well, I...
[Banging]
Is he dead?
No.
He's asleep.
After weeks of testing,
we discovered | how it works.
When swallowed, it affects | the vocal cords directly,
so when you speak,
microtremors encoded | within your voice
stimulate | tiny little hairs
in the inner ear | of the opposite sex.
The vibration sends | a signal to the brain,
which, in turn, | produces a combination
of mood-altering | endogenous chemicals
responsible for | the biochemical process
of feeling in love.
We also discovered | that, one...
It made members | of the same sex hostile.
Two...
It had to be diluted.
Full strength | was far too strong.
And three...
It would only work | for four hours at a time.
The next logical step | was to test it on humans,
but who?
We felt a deep | moral obligation to mankind
to make sure this | potentially dangerous drug
didn't fall into | the wrong hands,
but where could we find | test subjects we could trust?
Th-this is | scientifcally unorthodox,
but...
perhaps we could | both take samples
and test it ourselves in | a real-world environment.
I mean, Diane, | we're both...
prudent and... and | responsible people.
So, for the sake | of all mankind,
we divided up the remainder | of the potion
and agreed not to speak | for three weeks.
[Engine Rattling]
[Engine Backfres]
Can I see your driver's license, | your registration,
your proof of | insurance, please?
[Clears Throat]
Let's just...
let this go | with a warning.
Thank you.
Heh heh.
I... I get off | in... in about an hour...
and, uh...
I was... I was | wondering...
could we | maybe...
have a drink?
I don't think so.
Insurance | has been canceled.
" R. T. Moreno. "
Hi.
Can I help you?
?I need a man ? ?I need a man ? ?I need a man ? ?I need a man
?YMCA ? ?It's fun to stay at the ? ?YMCA, yeah ? ?They have everything... ? Excuse me.
Who would be | Ms. Moreno's supervisor?
[Village People] | ?YMCA ? ?It's fun to stay at the ? ?YMCA... ? Uh...
?YMCA...
That would be, um...
the district manager...
Dick Webster.
Dick.
Three tickets. Oh, my.
You didn't kill anybody, | did you?
No.
Good.
Bill... Dick Webster.
I have a cancellation | I want reversed.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, it is | very beautiful, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Dino!
[Speaking Italian]
Si, | signore.
Has anybody | ever told you
how beautiful | you are?
No.
Nobody in their right mind.
Excuse me, please.
I have met beautiful | women before...
many | beautiful women...
but you...
you are the most | beautiful woman
I have ever seen | in my life.
I know this | sounds ridiculous,
but do you believe in | love at first sight?
Bravo!
La via!
I want you | to have this.
I can't.
Please, indulge me. | Take it.
I don't feel | this way very often,
and I would like | you to have this.
Oh!
This is your car?
This is an | Alta Pazzoli.
I know.
I am Enrico Pazzoli.
I own the company | that manufactures this car.
[Car Doesn't Start]
Thank you.
The governor is giving | a little party this evening.
I have nobody | to accompany me.
Would you please | come with me?
I... I really | don't think so.
Why? Are you married?
No, no.
You are engaged? | You have a fiance?
No, no.
A lover? | A boyfriend?
Um... no.
A girlfriend?
No!
Then, uh, your | grandmother is sick,
and you must | stay with her?
She's dead.
I'm sorry.
It's O. K. | She died 20 years ago.
Then why don't you | come with me?
[Knock On Door]
Buona sera.
Is something wrong?
You're wearing a tuxedo.
Oh, of course.
The party's | a formal affair.
Didn't I | tell you?
No.
Ohh... | I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
But we have | plenty of time.
Please, | put on a gown.
I will be happy | to wait.
I don't own a gown.
Royalty usually arrives | after the guests.
However, Prince Geoffrey didn't | want to miss meeting any of the girls.
It is all right.
Don't be afraid.
You look, uh...
maravigliosa.
And in the alpha males, | seratonin receptor levels
were found to be | up-regulated,
and cetohybridization | has shown
that they will co-localize | with dopamine.
- Well! | - Hmm! | - Oh!
What's the difference between | ignorance and indifference?
I don't know, | and I don't care.
[Diane Laughing]
Enrico, thank you.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
[Beep]
Hello. | You have 67 messages.
?All my friends | know the low rider... ? Fahrvergnugen.
?The low rider ? ?Is a little higher ? Hi.
My name's Cheryl.
Aren't you going to | tell me your name?
Paul.
Why are you looking | at me like that?
I'm just curious to | what you're thinking.
I'm not going | to tell you.
?The low rider ? I prefer to be | a bit mysterious.
Oh.
Do you like | mysterious girls?
No.
Oh.
What kind of girls | do you like?
Honest and direct.
I don't like mystery.
Oh, I... I was just kidding | about the mystery part.
Oh, yeah.
I can be direct.
I can be | very direct.
?The low rider...
Yeah.
In fact, I can | be so direct,
it would | scare you.
Are you scared?
Nope.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is great.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
O. K., O. K.
Is that direct | enough for you?
Yeah, yeah.
That was excellent, | excellent directness.
So why don't we just | get out of here?
We can go back | to my place.
O. K.
O. K. I-I'll | go home with you.
I'll go home | with you,
and I'll be everything | you've ever wanted in a man
if...
you can answer one | question correctly.
What?
How do you synthesize | a methylated alkaloid?
I don't know.
[Makes Buzzer Sound]
Bye, now.
Yes.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Whoo!
[Humming]
It was late, | but the bars were open,
and I still | felt the urge
to continue | with my research.
It was 100% effective.
No matter | what they were doing
or whoever | they were with,
they wanted you!
You were the one they were | looking for their entire lives.
You were funny, | intelligent,
but above all, | you were very, very sexy.
It worked, | and it worked miracles.
It absolutely eliminated | any fear that they
wouldn't like you or that | you weren't good enough.
Instead of taking years of painfully | coming to grips with reality,
you change reality.
Reality comes to you.
You didn't have to be | good-looking,
well-dressed, or rich.
It didn't matter.
You just had to speak.
So...
how do you like | those pretzels?
And you didn't have to | be funny, intelligent,
or insightful.
It didn't matter | what you said.
Content had nothing | to do with it.
So...
you like those radials?
They say that | power corrupts,
and absolute power | corrupts absolutely.
Well...
they're right.
They also say that | the path of excess
leads to | the palace of wisdom.
My palace of wisdom
was the Sigma Delta Pi | Sorority House.
[Beethoven's | Fifth Symphony Plays]
I learned a lot | that night.
I learned a lot | about myself.
I learned a lot | about women.
I also learned about | an obscure panty raid law
which prohibits men | to be in a sorority house
after 9 p. m.
How's it going?
Can I help you?
No. I'm here | to see a friend.
And who is that?
Diane Farrow.
I'm sorry, | but Miss Farrow
isn't expecting | company.
Oh, I'm just | dropping by.
I'm sorry.
Listen, why don't | you go tell her
that Gary Logan | is here?
All right.
Stan, there's a | Gary Logan out here
to see | Miss Farrow.
I'm sorry.
You're kidding.
No. | She has company.
Oh.
Who is that guy?
Prince Geoffrey.
Prince?
Prince of what?
England.
Unbelievable.
Ahem.
Is, uh...
Thank you.
Right through here?
Diane?
Wow!
- Bye! | - Bye, Diane!
Jesus Christ, | you... you look great!
What did you do?
You got a haircut?
Well, that is | a great haircut.
You got your teeth fxed.
Oh, you're on the potion!
You're on the po...
So, uh...
nice... nice clothes.
Did you buy those?
Really?
Ah. Having fun, huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
"What were you doing
in the sorority?"
Uh...
what was I doing | in the sorority?
Ha ha ha ha ha...
Oh, no.
I... I was, um...
I was, uh...
I can't tell you. | I'm sorry. I can't.
I was doing research.
I... I was.
What?
What?
Oh, you're kidding.
Heh. Uh... heh heh.
Uh... ahem.
All right, | all right, all right.
Can you keep a secret?
So can I.
I'm sorry. | I... I just...
Oh, look, | that is not fair,
because you're | on the potion.
You can't talk.
How do I know you | haven't been doing
some unspeakably | sordid things?
What?
You're kidding.
What are you,
dating the president?
Who's in there?
You look familiar.
Uh, I'm the prince | of England.
Ow.
Oh.
Paul, we're going to | a charity arts auction tonight.
Would you | like to come?
You're not speaking.
Why aren't you | speaking?
You notice Diane | isn't speaking?
Oh! You're playing the mute game | again, aren't you?
Yes, you are!
She's playing | the mute game again.
[British Accent] | Really?
So, you are coming | to the party.
Tell him to come | to the party.
That's mute for,
"you must come. "
Oh, uh... | you have a tux?
Your highness, | how wonderful to see you.
Jane Childs from | the arts council.
Miss Childs, | so nice to see you.
These are my friends | Paul and Diane.
How do you do?
This is one of our | new South American sculptors.
He's going to be | having a one-man show here.
Thanks.
Uh, shall we go?
Coming, Paul?
No? All right, then.
Have you met | our mayor Mr. Cox?
[Geoffrey] | No, I haven't had the pleasure.
...plaster cast mold,
and then it was done | in the lost wax method,
which is why it's so | anatomically correct.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
He's awfully good | with the ladies.
A 2. Oh, deuces are wild. | I got the 2.
Uh, the 3 is yours.
Uh... the king is for me.
Here's a 4.
4 and, um...
I'm sorry. | We can't do this.
Could I talk to you?
Uh, would you excuse me | for a minute?
Ladies and gentlemen, | the auction is about to begin.
Please join us | at the forum.
Prince Geoffrey | may be turning in
his wicked, wicked ways
for American monkey | psychiatrist Diane Farrow.
Miss Farrow, who | as a comparative psychobiologist
has had considerable | experience taming wild beasts,
has tamed the untamable | king of the jungle
Prince Geoffrey of York.
As far as Buckingham Palace | is concerned,
sources tell us | the queen mum is staying mum
until she gets to meet | the pretty American psychologist.
Hi.
Guess what.
What?
Geoffrey proposed | to me last night.
W-W-W-What'd | you tell him?
I told him I would | think about it.
Think about it.
W-Why'd you | tell him that?
[Clears Throat]
You know...
all my life,
I've felt...
ugly.
And now I have | the world's most desirable man
telling me that | I am beautiful.
I have the prince of England | at home pining for me.
This is a dream come true.
I could be a princess.
You're disturbed.
W-What causes this?
Well, I haven't had | a date in four years.
What?
Uh, well, your... your... | the joke about the date.
Well, what about it?
Well, Diane... | we had a date.
We had a date?
Yeah. Remember?
No, I don't.
The lunch... | we went out to lunch.
That was a date?
Yeah.
I thought a date was when | you went to somebody's house
and you picked them up
and you took them out | to dinner.
Well, that is | a conventional date,
but you... you don't | have to do that.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I had no idea that | that was a date.
Was there a second date | that I'm not aware of?
No. Because you said you | had kind of a boyfriend.
Oh.
Well, he's not a boyfriend.
No?
No.
Are you hungry?
Yeah.
Do you want to go out | and get something to eat?
You know, I'll drive | to your house,
and I'll pick you up | and...
talk to your father.
So this is a date?
This is | defnitely a date.
O. K.
And then something | magical happened.
For the first time | in my life,
I felt something perfect.
Once you feel that feeling, | that perfect feeling,
you want it to last | forever,
but since love | comes with no guarantee,
you do what you can do,
and the only thing | you can do
is get married.
So you plan | your moment carefully,
making it as enticing | and romantic as possible.
And if they accept, | you marry
and cross your fingers | and hope it lasts.
I couldn't wait to spend | the rest of my life with Diane.
I booked this great old | bed and breakfast
on a bluff | overlooking the ocean.
We'd go out | and watch the sunset...
?Pain in my heart ? Diane?
?You're treating me cold ? Uh...
?Where can my baby be? ? Where are you?
?Lord, no one knows ? ?Pain in my heart ? Just won't let me sleep ? ?Where can my baby be? ? ?Lord, where can she be? ? [Ring]
?I began | to get tough ? Hello?
?I said I want you | to come back... ? No. You've got | a wrong number.
?Come back, come back, | baby ? ?I know ? ?Oh ? ?A little pain | in my heart
[Telephone Rings]
Hello?
Diane, what happened to you? | Where are you?
Hi.
Where have you been?
Huh?
Paul...
so much has happened.
So much.
Tell me.
Well, um...
last week...
something happened | between us.
Uh-huh.
Well, we became...
friends.
Friends?
Yeah, I mean...
it's important, isn't it, | to be... friends?
Well, yeah, but, uh, | I mean, uh...
I thought we became | more than friends.
There's something | I think I should tell you.
I've been | seeing someone...
off and on for about, | um, 10 years,
and... and there | were problems.
I mean, it never, never | really worked out,
but all of a sudden, | it's like he's come around.
He's changed.
It's like a dream | come true for me.
It's great.
Gary...
um, Gary, this is Paul.
Paul, this is Gary.
Paul...
Paul, please, | don't be upset.
We can still be | friends, can't we?
At first I was a mess,
and then things | just got worse.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't do anything | but think of Diane.
I had no choice. | I had to get her back.
I did what | everybody does
when they're in love | with somebody
who's in love | with somebody else...
You pretend you're willing | to be just friends,
but really you're out to sabotage | their relationship.
I'd gently steer Diane into | the morass of Gary's many faults.
Since I didn't know Gary,
I had to find out what | exactly these faults were.
So how's it | with, uh, Gary?
Gary's great.
He's a handsome guy.
You think so?
He looks great | in a towel, too.
He could be | a big towel model.
What's he like?
I didn't really get | a chance to meet him.
Well, um...
can you imagine feeling | something with someone
that just feels... | perfect?
Yeah.
That's how I would | describe Gary.
He's just... perfect.
Perfect?
Wow... perfect.
Besides perfect, | w-what is he like?
Well, he's, uh...
he's kind of | a perfectionist.
So... So he's perfect, | and he's a perfectionist.
So, yeah.
I mean... | but what does that mean?
He's punctual?
Well, he's, um...
Oh, he's very resolute.
He wants to do | what he wants to do.
Is that good?
Do you like that | about him?
Usually.
Not always?
Well, it...
Sometimes he just | likes to do things
that I... I really | don't like to do.
[Telephone Rings]
Oh. I'm sorry.
Hello?
Hi.
Oh, I was just | talking to Paul.
Gary, we're just friends.
Gary, I...
O. K.
O. K.
I love you.
All right.
I love you.
O. K. Bye.
Gary doesn't want me | talking to you anymore.
Diane, | what do you want?
I don't want | to lose him.
I love him.
Sorry.
This plan was clearly | not going to work.
Gary's influence | over Diane was too powerful.
She'd do anything | to make him happy.
It was like she'd joined | some kind of cult.
I went from feeling I'd be | in love with Diane forever
to wondering if I'd ever fall | in love with anyone again.
I would.
[Honk Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk]
[Coughs]
[Honk Honk]
[Knock Knock]
Oh, hi.
Hi. I was | in the area.
I thought I'd stop | by and say hello.
Oh, that was | very nice of you.
Uh... do you | want to come in?
O. K.
Can I use | your bathroom?
So, uh... | what is it you do again?
Accountant or something?
There we go.
So is that | everything?
Yeah, this is | the whole thing.
Cables?
The cables are in with | the instruction books.
Good job, buddy.
You're coming right | back, right?
You bet.
O. K. Bye-bye.
I gave her anything I had | of value,
including all | the love potion.
I tried explaining how it | affects the pharyngeals,
but this was clearly | a woman more interested
in fiduciary gain | than in science.
Great girl.
For four hours, I could | think of nothing but Marisa...
Beautiful, intelligent, | all-around wonderful gal Marisa.
Then four hours later...
I could've strangled her.
I couldn't believe | how powerful an influence
the potion had over me.
I would've done anything | to make Marisa happy.
It was like I had joined | some kind of cult.
You sold all of it, | the whole bottle?
Yes.
The person who bought this, | what did they look like?
Tall, very handsome, | dark eyes, dark hair.
Did he wear a ring?
Yes.
A gold snake with | rubies for eyes.
Hello?
Diane, I just got back | from Madame Ruth's.
Gary is using | the potion on you.
I'm in love with him.
No, you're not. | Go away for four hours
and see if you're still | in love with him.
Paul, this is | ridiculous.
Why does he make you take | the telephone everywhere?
Does he call you | every four hours?
He thinks you're using | the love potion on me.
Don't tell him! | He's the enemy!
[Gary] Just hang up | the phone, Diane.
He must have | found out about it.
Did you write it down?
I have to go.
[Gary] | Hang up the phone.
He must have read | your journal and...
[Click]
Diane.
I'm not listening | to you.
I am not using it. | He is.
It'll wear off someday,
and you'll be pregnant, | and you'll be married,
and you'll have | that asshole's children.
It'll wear off. | You'll be married to a man you hate
with a bunch of little | assholes running around!
I kept calling her,
but she wouldn't | take my calls.
I wrote her letters,
but they came back | unanswered.
I tried confronting Gary.
That didn't work.
There was only one stone | left unturned.
Do you have an antidote
or something | more powerful or...
Sit down.
Years ago | there was a plague.
It affected many people.
It did not in any way | make them feel ill.
They lived long lives, | but...
something inside of them | died...
The capacity | to love forever.
This is the cure.
Love Potion Number Nine | does not create emotion.
It purifes it.
Love is often obscured
by doubt, | prejudice, suspicion.
With number nine,
all that is eliminated.
It becomes pure.
The greatest tragedy | in life
is when love fades.
With Love Potion | Number Nine,
it never fades.
So if you ever | loved each other
and you both | take this potion,
you will love each other | again,
as much as you ever | loved each other...
forever.
Are you absolutely sure | she was in love with you?
Uh...
mm-hmm.
Why?
If you both | take this potion
and you were | in love with her
but she really never | was in love with you,
you will love her for | the rest of your life,
and she will hate you | for the rest of hers.
Great.
How does it work?
She said drink from | the same cup, then kiss.
Five minutes later, | it will take effect.
If your heart is willing and can | be pleased, wait and listen,
and you'll hear a song | from the breeze.
So if you're willing | to fall in love,
and fve minutes | after the big smooch,
you'll hear | this wind musical thing,
and whoosh, | you're in love forever.
If your heart is stubborn | like the heart of a fool,
you will taste | the sweat of a mule.
So if you're an asshole | and not willing to commit,
then fve minutes | after the kiss,
you'll taste mule sweat,
which, I imagine, | is terrible.
So if I take this potion | with Diane,
I kiss her, | fve minutes later...
assuming that she's | still in love with me...
number nine | will override number eight,
no matter how much | Gary takes number eight.
That's assuming | she's in love with me.
Paul...
And this is the reason | why you guys are here...
Diane's not talking to me,
so she's not going to | willingly take the potion.
I'm going | to need your help.
The plan is very simple.
We go to her house, | I knock on the door...
You guys wait | on the foyer...
If she answers, I burst in. | You guys follow.
If she doesn't, | we knock down the door,
grab her, hold her down, | I tickle her knee,
and her mouth will open.
I force the potion in, | get her to swallow it.
I kiss her. Then we wait | for fve minutes.
Of course, getting her | to swallow
is going to be | the toughest part
'cause, hey, you know, | women don't want to swallow.
Sorry. Uh...
Oh, also, if Gary is there,
it's going to get physical,
'cause, uh...
But there are four of us,
and I think we can | take him...
unless he has a gun,
but chances | are pretty remote.
You guys have any questions?
What? What? | What's with that look?
You don't believe me?
It's not a matter | of not believing you.
It's just...
I think it is a matter | of not believing you.
Not only that, | but you're asking us
to break | a number of laws...
breaking and entering, | assault, battery.
Ron, do you | believe me?
I'd sooner believe | the Single Bullet Theory.
[Knock On Door]
Hold on.
I'm running kind of low, | sweetheart.
This Gary guy has the rest | of the potion, right?
Yeah, that's right.
Great.
Bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye.
- Bye. | - Bye-bye.
[Laughing]
[Coughing]
My God.
She's an angel.
That bitch.
She took my Rolex | and my wallet.
Yes. Yes, | that's right.
I'd like to report | a stolen Visa Card.
Thank you.
What am I going | to tellJudy?
Tell her | you're a schmuck.
You guys going | to help me now or what?
Remember. What do you | do if Marisa shows up?
Beat the living shit | out of her.
Cover your ears. | Yell and scream.
Don't listen to her.
What if | Gary shows up?
Beat the living shit | out of him.
Good.
Shh.
Hi.
Hello.
Are you Diane's | friend?
- Yeah. Who are you? | - Paul.
You're the Paul | she works with?
Yeah.
The one she | hit it off with?
She told me | not to talk to you.
There's something strange | going on here, isn't there?
Yes, there is.
Suddenly she's dating | the prince of England,
then she's crazy | about you,
now she's marrying | the schmuck.
Marrying? | She's marrying him?
- Yes. | - When?
In about an hour.
Oh, Jesus.
She forgot this | in all the excitement.
Uh, hi.
What's happening here?
Would you like me | to tell you?
You get her to drink | from the glass,
then bring the glass | back to me.
I'll sip from it, | come in, and kiss her.
So this guy Gary, | is he big?
Yeah.
Now, you said that she | was crazy about me.
Is that the word | she used, crazy?
Yes.
Did she ever say that | she was in love with me?
Did she use | that word?
No. She said crazy.
[Cork Pops]
[Madame Ruth] | If your heart is decisive
and your heart | can be pleased,
wait and listen.
You will hear | a song from the breeze.
Oh, great.
This is great.
Oh, O. K.
Now, it is | a tradition
for the bride | and the matron of honor
to drink | champagne
out of each | other's glasses.
It is?
It is.
It's sort of | an Irish thing.
Did you | know that?
No.
Well, uh, pour.
Grandma.
O. K.
Um...
Here.
O. K. Now, hold | your glass up
really nice | and high.
O. K.
And... to Diane
and... whoever.
Gary.
Right.
You look beautiful.
Mmm.
Gary, get out | of here!
It's bad luck for the groom | to see the bride
before | the wedding.
Well, then,
here's to bad luck.
[Madame Ruth] | There is something you can do.
You must drink | from the same glass,
then kiss her.
Drink from | the same glass, then kiss her?
She will | fall in love
with the man | she loved most
and hate the other | forever,
but if you wait too long, | it won't work.
Hmm...
No...
Whoa...
No...
Aah!
Back up.
Oh!
Just get out.
No!
O. K., move. | I'll crack this...
Put it down!
Just step aside. | Diane...
Oh, God!
Diane. Diane.
Mmm!
Look, fellas, | I... I... I...
I'm not crazy, | O. K.?
I'm not insane.
Mmm, oh, no!
Hello, Gary.
Now, listen. | I know you're in a hurry
to get married,
so let's skip | the small talk.
You've got something | I want.
Oh.
It's so...
thick.
You're supposed | to dilute it.
Completely pure?
[Madame Ruth] | If your heart is stubborn
like the heart | of a fool,
you'll wait, | hear nothing,
but taste the sweat | of the mule.
What?
What are you | doing?
[Spitting]
Stop!
Gary.
Let me do this.
Gary, don't!
Stop!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
If any present | knows any reason
why they may not lawfully | be joined in marriage,
let them speak now
or forever | hold their peace.
Yecchh!
[Coughing]
Do you, Diane Farrow,
take this man to be your | lawfully wedded husband,
in sickness | and in health,
as long as you both | shall live?
I do.
The ring.
[Cough Cough Cough]
Excuse me.
What's going on?
You bitch!
You god damn whore!
Ow!
Tramp!
You bitch!
Jesus Christ!
Uh, guys, we got | a major code 29
right outside.
Everybody out!
Get with it, guys!
Move!
Go, go!
Everybody move!
[Waltz Of The Flowers | Plays]
Help!
[Singing]
Help!
?Mo mo ? ?Hmm, mo ? ?Ooh, yeah ? [Humming And Singing]
?Ooh ? ?Ma, ma, ma, ma, ? ?Ma, ma, ma, ma,
[Telephone] | If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up | and try again.
If you need help, | dial 0.
[Beeping]
[Car Engines Running]
[Tires Squeal]
Diane.
Where have you been?
Oh!
No!
Um, touch your fnger | to your nose.
Hop on one foot.
Put your hands | in the air
and go...
Grab your nipples like this, | real hard.
You like that, | don't you?
Ooh.
[All] | Ooh.
Now I think it's time | for a little magic.
Well, I'd like to tell you
that five minutes | after I kissed Diane,
she came running out | into my arms
and that we fell in love | forever,
but that's not | what happened.
It took six minutes.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Let's get out | of here.
O. K.
[Madame Ruth] | Ahh, that's nice.
?I took my troubles | down to Madame Ruth ? ?You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth ? ?She's got a storefront | at 34th and Vine ? ?Sellin' | little bottles of ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Oh, oh, oh ? ?I told her everything | was goin' fne ? ?Everything | except that man of mine ? ?She looked at my palm ? ?Made a magic sign ? ?Said, | What you need is ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?She jumped down, | turned around ? ?Gave me a wink ? ?Said, | I'm gonna mix it up ? ?Right here | in the sink ? ?It smelled | like turpentine ? ?Looked like | india ink ? ?I held my nose, | closed my eyes ? ?I took a drink ? ?Didn't know if | it was day or night ? ?I started kissin' | every man in sight ? ?Never been | so turned on ? ?Never felt so fne ? ?Gonna give | my man some ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?I didn't know | if it was day or night ? ?I started kissin' | every man in sight ? ?Never been | so turned on ? ?Never felt so fne ? ?Gonna give | my man some ? ?Love Potion | Number Nine ? ?Love Potion Number ? ?When I get | the notion ? ?I take | a little potion ? ?Love Potion...