Loved One, The (1965) Movie Script

We are now about to land in
the world-famous city of Los Angeles.
Its name, translated from the ancient
Spanish, means "City of the Angels."
It is also the home of the
American motion-picture industry.
The City is of Night, perchance of Death
Twenty-thousand people arrive
here to settle every week.
They leave all hope behind who enter here
One certitude while sane they cannot leave
One anodyne for torture and despair
The certitude of Death
There, I'll get it, then. Would you look after
my little girl? Please, just for a moment.
But, madam.
That's all right. That's all right.
That's all right.
Mama will be right back.
Mama will be right back.
Kindly fasten your seat belts
and refrain from smoking, please.
Here, sit. Sit down.
Welcome back to the U.S.A.
Right through that door there.
Thank you.
Your passport, please.
"Dennis Barlow. Profession..."
A.I.D., huh?
Yes, Artificial Insemination Donor.
It was just a job I had for a while.
Actually, I'm a poet.
- Poet? An English poet?
- Well, yes, I am English.
- One of them beatnik poets, huh?
- Oh, beatnik? No. No, I'm not a beatnik.
You got them Beatle haircuts,
haven't you?
A Beatle haircut? No, I don't s...
It's an ordinary English haircut.
What do you do for a living,
Mr. Barton?
Barlow. I haven't decided
on anything specifically.
Haven't decided?
Just how did you get to this country, then?
Well, that's rather an amusing story.
You see, what happened, I was...
I was seeing my girlfriend off
at the London airport.
Then they said that I was the
5-millionth person to see... No, wait.
It was the 10-millionth person
to see someone off on a plane.
And they...
Well, they gave me this ticket,
so I thought I'd come here.
It was either Los Angeles or Calcutta,
and I thought, well, what the hell?
Just how long do you plan to stay
in our country, Mr. Burton?
- Barlow. Oh, that depends.
- Depends? Depends on what?
Well, I'll be staying with...
...Sir Francis Hinsley, the artist.
He's my uncle.
Megalopolitan Pictures,
that's where he works.
Now, D.J. Jr., we wanna get a piece
of this James Bond audience.
- Fine.
- And we're gonna give them that package...
...but with a brand-new ribbon on it.
We give him the one thing that
Jim Bond don't have:
Human warmth.
Are you still with me, D.J. Jr?
Now, he's still English,
he's still aristocratic...
...but he's got human warmth.
He's a human James Bond.
Do you think you can handle that
English accent, Dusty?
Oh, shucks, I reckon I could,
if I just sort of snuck up on it.
Well, I think Frank here could
straighten him out on the accent bit.
Is that right, Frank?
Do you think you can?
Oh, yes. I daresay I could.
Yes. I think I can.
You're sure you think
you're sure you can, right?
Yes, I think I can.
What do you say, Dust?
You think you'll feel at home with this?
You feel it's right for you?
You just turn him loose, D.J. Jr.,
and I'll try to ride him.
Okay. Harry, look, this is your baby. I'll tell
you what I want you to do. Hold it, fellas.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just a minute.
Frank, it's for you.
For me? How very embarrassing.
I can't imagine who.
Hello? Yes, speaking. Who? Barlow?
Who? You mean you're Emily's boy?
Good heavens.
What on earth are you doing out here?
Very well. I'll be down in a few moments,
quick as I can.
Yes. See you in a moment. Goodbye.
You'll excuse me, won't you, gentlemen?
I seem to have inherited a nephew.
- Go ahead, Frank. Go right ahead.
- So long, Harry.
As I was saying, my dear Dennis,
mine was only a gradual decline.
Most of my fellow relics have been
discarded years ago.
I think I'll just have my usual
Deep Dish Lolita...
...and iced tea with a sprig of mint,
I'll have Breast of Squab Brigitte...
...and the Goldwater Nut Flip.
Actually, I never quite knew why
they ever gave me a knighthood.
I suppose it may have been because
I always painted important people.
But here there are only
the dregs of the dregs, so to speak.
- Hello, Frank, baby.
- Oh, hello, Harry.
- This is my nephew.
- Pleasure to meet you, kid.
You just take it easy, you hear?
- That wasn't the Dusty Acres, was it?
- It was indeed.
About to undergo a major operation
on his image.
So, to continue,
the climate here suits me admirably...
...the people here are so kind and generous.
They talk entirely for their own pleasure.
And they never expect you to listen.
Remember that, dear boy.
It's the secret of social ease
in this country.
By the way, where do you propose to live
while you're out here?
- Well, I hadn't quite decided.
- Why not come and stay with me, then?
Thank you, Uncle Francis.
That's very kind of you.
If you don't mind taking potluck.
That reminds me, there's dinner tonight
at the English Club.
Not grand, of course,
but they might give us a decent meal.
It'll give you the opportunity
to meet some of the chaps.
Oh, there's Sir Ambrose Abercrombie,
one of our most ardent thespians.
You've probably seen him, Dennis.
He usually plays prime ministers or butlers.
- Ambrose.
- My dear Francis, how good to see you.
The trouble with this place is, one is so
confoundedly busy, one loses touch.
You'd better pick up Her Ladyship,
come back for me at 11 sharp.
Ambrose, I would like to introduce
to you my nephew, Dennis Barlow.
Sir Ambrose Abercrombie.
A stalwart young fellow...
...occasionally touched by the muse
and given to understand...
Gentlemen, the queen.
The queen. The queen.
God bless her.
Well, here we are,
gathered together again, gentlemen.
I must say I look forward
to these dinners.
It keeps us limeys together.
Yes, rather.
As I was just saying
to our young friend here...
...we have to put up a good show. There
aren't many of us, but we are watched.
That's why I've always made it a rule
never to do anything in my own home...
...that I wouldn't do
in front of the camera.
And never to do anything in front of the
camera that I wouldn't do in my own home.
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
Francis, I think your nephew
is in need of air.
Oh, how very embarrassing.
Dennis. Come along, Dennis.
Come along. Upsy-daisy.
I'm afraid it's the heat, you know.
This place is rather close to the change...
...of temperature and climate, and so on.
Come along, Dennis.
Home to bed. Come along.
My dear Dennis. Good morning.
I do hope you slept well.
Good morning, Uncle Francis.
I'm sorry about last night.
Oh, don't give it another thought, dear boy.
I expect you were a bit overtired.
These newfangled jets, abrupt transition.
One loses all sense of time and proportion,
not like the old days on the Queen Mary.
What would you fancy
for breakfast? Eggs?
That'll be fine.
Dear me. There don't seem to be any eggs.
How stupid of me.
Perhaps we could make do
with these bran shreddies.
That's a sketch I made for the
orchard scene in The Sins of Solomon.
Thank you, Dennis.
The studio was simply scandalized by it,
but the public lapped it up.
Those were the days.
I only had to ask for something...
...and they went straight out and bought it.
If I said real gold, real gold it had to be.
Such a lovely morning, Dennis.
I think we ought to have breakfast
down by the pool.
Let me carry something for you.
You should have seen
this place in the old days.
Like a great aquarium,
flashing with the limbs of beauties.
All, alas, long since departed.
Golden lads and girls all must,
as chimney sweepers, come to dust.
Have any definite plans for the future?
You ought to get out of it
and see the country.
First off, I thought I might look around
for a job of some sort.
- Job? Oh, you're short of cash, then?
- I am, rather.
There is one thing that every Englishman
who comes out here must understand.
Whether he likes it or not,
he is an ambassador.
We are all of us judged
by his performance.
I hope you're not going to be the one
who lets the side down.
- I'll try not to, sir.
- I'm sure you'll find...
...that Dennis is with us all along the line.
- I hope so.
What is your field exactly?
Well, actually,
I haven't quite settled on anything, as yet.
- Really? Allan.
- Thought I'd... around a bit. See what's going.
There is one thing
I would say to you, sir.
There are certain jobs out here which
an Englishman simply does not take.
Hey, kid. Over here. Bring it here.
- That's right. Thank you.
- Hey, get those towels up here!
Hurry up, now!
Hey, pal.
Where's the switch for this thing?
Towels. Get the towels here,
you slowpoke.
- Hey, step up the towels over here.
- Thanks.
Turn up the heat, old chap.
Where are the towels?
So I told Her Majesty, I said, "Ma'am,
you've done us a very great honor."
"Not at all," she said. "Not at all.
I enjoyed the picture."
Of course, Edinburgh was with her,
you know.
She takes him along everywhere these days.
I don't know why.
- He is her husband, you know.
- Yes, I suppose that would account for it.
So I said, "Ma'am, I..."
You know, I believe
this damn thing's on fire.
- Oh, and what did she say?
- No. No. You listen!
Help! Help!
- Boy! Boy!
- Turn it off, Barlow.
- Help, Barlow! You'll sweat for this, Barlow.
- Shut it off!
How's Dusty here coming along
with the English bit, Frank?
I think it's coming along.
Don't you, Dusty?
Well, I sure hope I am.
Damn, if I don't.
Won't you take my seat?
Frank, I've got an idea.
Now, you're an artist, right?
Right. Supposing you get Dusty here...
...all dolled up English-style,
then you paint his picture in it.
I see the idea, Harry. It's a sort of...
...a character portrait
of an English gentleman.
- Uncle Frank! Uncle Frank!
- Oh, Dennis! Do come and look at this.
Though I say it myself,
I'm delighted with it.
I haven't been so excited
about anything for years.
I believe it's the beginning
of a new period for me. My best!
Do try and sit
on that horse properly, Dusty.
Sorry, Frank.
Don't be ashamed of displaying
of a certain arrogance.
It's perfectly hopeless, you know.
He simply hasn't got it in his blood.
Wait until the studio sees this, Dennis.
You going off somewhere, my boy?
Just for three or four days.
That's what I came to tell you about.
A kind of holiday, is it?
Oh, it's just another job.
Wait for me!
Come back!
- I don't like the look of this.
- Yes, it may get a bit dikey.
- Dicey.
- Dicey, if he decides to use the giant squid.
- What do you think we ought to do?
- Remember that girl?
- Do you think she'll do it?
- Maybe not.
But I've always said it's better
to bag a bird than go for a Burton.
Yeah. I think we're top of it now.
And you, Dust,
you are looking good in there.
Good day, everybody.
Hello? It's your father.
Yes, D.J. Oh, no, no, D.J. No sweat.
Yeah, that's right, D.J.
Yeah. What's that, D. J?
Yeah, but what about..?
No, D.J. You see, I thought that...
Yeah, D.J. I read you, D.J.
Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, D.J.
I'll talk to you later, D.J.
I hate to break this up, but I've got
a meeting in 10 minutes, so see you later.
- You're beautiful there, baby. Beautiful.
- Just fine, Dusty.
See you later.
D.J. Didn't buy it, huh?
Frank let you down, Harry.
He didn't bring him along fast enough.
You gotta get something
on the boards by Monday, right?
- That's right, Harry.
- Now, hold it. Hold it.
I think I've got a live one, here.
Doctors! Doctors are hot, right?
Okay, so how about a panel quiz show
called What's My Disease?
The contestant is wheeled in a kind
of shrouded cage. And then, there's a...
Hold it, Harry. Hold it.
You just don't get the message, baby.
You just don't get the message.
I mean, it's cutback time, Harry.
You know what I mean?
What..? What do you mean?
Hello? Let me talk to the Blessed Reverend.
This is his brother.
What? Yes, yes, I know that.
But this is urgent.
I don't care where he is,
I've got to talk with him.
Will you please put him on?
Yes, I'll wait.
You'll just have to be patient.
Hello? Yes? It's your brother, sir.
Will! Will! I'm all washed-up
here at the studio.
You've got to help me.
Please. Please, just give me
one more chance.
I won't let you down this time.
I promise you.
Perhaps there is something after all,
suitable to your particular talents.
- One last chance, Harry.
- Oh, that's great, Will.
I'll take anything, anything you say.
Wait a minute, Will.
I couldn't do that. Not that!
Take it, Harry, or leave it.
- I'll take it. I'll take it.
- And remember this, Harry... word about my connection with that
place and you'll wish you were dead.
Oh, I'm so sorry. How stupid of me.
Never done such a thing before.
- Miss Benson.
- Hi.
- Oh, D.J. Jr.
- Oh, Frank.
How nice of you to stop by. I appreciate
that. Come on. Won't you come in?
D.J. Jr., I want you to see this. I've just
finished it. I'm rather pleased with it.
I want to see that some time.
I want very much to see that.
- Go right in.
- It's the threshold of a new period for me.
Yeah. I am very anxious
to see that, Frank.
D.J. Jr., there's something
I want to ask. It's a bit odd.
I went to my office this morning
and there was a chap there.
And a piece of paper pinned on the door
with a name something like Lorenzo Medici.
Oh, yeah, Frank, that's right. Only, look,
Frank, he said that it's Medici, like that.
And how you say it,
kind of sounds like a wop.
And Mr. Medici is D.J.'s son-in-law,
and my brother-in-law...
...and he's a very, very wonderful person
with a very fine record.
Well, I've no doubt of that, D.J. Jr.,
but the point is, where do I work now?
That's the thing I do want to talk to
you about, Frank. As you can see...
...I just don't have the time right now.
Ciao, baby.
Nicky, take care of him, will you?
Am I to understand that I've been...
That the studio no longer...
You'll get formal notification
in a couple of days, I expect.
You know how these things get hung up.
However, I do have your final check
for you right here.
Oh, it just needs one other signature. I'll
get it out to you just as soon as possible.
- Thank you.
- One of the girls was telling me...'ve been here just ever so long.
- Thirty-one years.
- Thirty-one years.
You were here before I was born.
I hope I don't stay here that long.
Oh, I feel sure that you're destined
for a far happier fate than that, my dear.
- Goodbye, and thank you.
- Excuse me.
That isn't studio property, is it?
No, my dear, it is not.
Uncle Frank.
Uncle Frank?
Bad form, gentlemen, bad form.
If only Sir Francis
had chosen a less sordid...
All those pictures in the press.
That dreadful pool
with those cracks in it.
Let's get on with it. I'm afraid that
Sir Francis' estate is practically nil.
Oh, well, that's neither here nor there.
What is of paramount importance is that
Sir Francis should be given a funeral...
...appropriate to his station.
And one that will reflect credit
on the British community as a whole.
The sale of this cottage
will be sufficient to defray the cost.
Well, now, Barlow,
we've had this document drawn up.
Your signature is necessary. Just put
your name at the bottom of the page.
That's right.
Well, now, I propose that young Barlow
here shall... Initial that, will you?
Shall make the arrangements.
I think there's no doubt that the proper
place for Sir Francis is Whispering Glades.
And now, we come
to something really marvelous.
A real high point of the tour,
it seems to me.
Every time I reach this point, I get, well,
I don't know. I get all choked up.
Here it is, the great statue of the
Blessed Reverend Wilbur Glenworthy.
This world-famous statue was executed
by the internationally known artist...
...and sculptress, Tina Tube...
...and is available in handsome
reproductions at the gift shop...
...near the west gate.
They're really quite marvelous,
those little reproductions.
Now, look at the book containing
the creed of the Blessed Reverend.
This book is carved
of the finest Carrara marble.
The letters on the pages,
they're 18-karat gold.
And they're worth at least
$30 a piece.
And now, I want you to hear something.
I want you to hear the Blessed Reverend
himself speak the words of the creed.
This is the actual voice
of the Blessed Reverend himself.
I did awake and a dream came unto me.
- And lo, I beheld a life of eternal...
- Excuse me, sir.
- A life where shadows...
- Where could I find information about the..?
- Of sunshine and joy.
- Burials.
Prices on inquiry at the administration
office. Drive on up the road.
The laughter of little children.
Where grief became gladness.
Where sorrow became the mewing
of tiny kittens...
... and splash of precious duck babies
at play.
And a voice came unto me...
- This way, sir.
- ... and said:
"Go forth and realize your dream."
And so did I make it...
... and build for all eternity...
... this Whispering Glades.
Stranger, enter these gates
and be happy.
- May I help you, sir?
- Oh, yes.
- I came to arrange about a funeral.
- Is the funeral for yourself?
I beg your pardon?
- No.
- I thought you might have come...
...for pre-need counseling.
Many of our friends like to plan ahead.
- Was your loved one a relative?
- Yes. He was my uncle.
- In that case, he must have been Caucasian.
- Certainly not. He was English.
Oh, that's all right. English is Caucasian.
We prefer that word at Whispering Glades.
It's much less offensive than "white."
Well, I can assure you that he was...
He was quite white.
The Blessed Reverend has to consider
the feelings of the waiting ones.
In time of trial, they prefer
to be with their own people.
May I ask what was your
loved one's name?
Sir Francis Hinsley.
Why, of course. Sir Ambrose Abercrombie
called this morning...
...and said someone would be coming. We
all have greatest respect for Sir Ambrose.
In fact, we hope that one day
he may decide to join us.
Would you wait here a moment, please?
- I'm afraid you don't quite understand.
- What's all this about anyway?
- Is there something wrong with my money?
- That's not the question, Mr. Bernstein.
Please, don't take this personally.
I'm sure there are many
high-class establishments in this city...
...which would be delighted to help you.
Forest Lawn, for example.
You can get their address
at the information desk.
So sorry.
Come, Clara.
Mr. Barlow, this is our cosmetician
from the Gothic Slumber Room.
She'll take good care of you.
Will you follow me, please?
What did you have in mind?
Inhumement, entombment,
inurnment, immurement?
Some people just lately
have preferred ensarcophagusment.
It's very individual.
Well, I think we'd better
just have him buried.
This way, please.
Right this way.
Please be seated.
Very restful.
- What did your loved one pass on from?
- He hanged himself.
- Was the face much disfigured?
- Hideously.
That's quite usual.
Now, was there anything especially
characteristic of your loved one?
Let me think.
Did he smoke a pipe, perhaps?
Some people prefer that their loved ones
have a pipe in mouth.
I mean, of course,
if they smoked one during life.
Then, there was a lady who made
her leave-taking holding a telephone.
He did carry an umbrella at times.
But I don't suppose...
Well, if it were closed.
Tell me... you enjoy this kind of work?
I regard it as a very, very great privilege,
Mr. Barlow.
I think we'd better go
and look at the caskets.
Our Mr. Starker will counsel you
as to your loved one's additional needs.
Counsel Starker...
...this is Mr. Barlow.
- Mr. Barlow.
- How do you do?
Mr. Barlow's loved one
is Sir Francis Hinsley.
Yes, of course.
I'm certain we can accommodate
Sir Francis in an appropriate manner.
Had you any special requirements in mind,
Mr. Barlow?
Well, I haven't thought much
about it, actually.
You see, it all happened
quite suddenly, you see.
Yes, of course. This way.
Now, these are lead-coated steels.
Medium price range.
The Silent Night Special.
And very special it is, too,
if I may say so.
- Waterproof, of course.
- Waterproof?
All our units are waterproof.
This offers maximum protection for a unit
in the middle price range.
Now, here is your handsome Rest King
in 7-gauge steel...
...with a choice of finish
in eight color combinations.
This unit is guaranteed
to give maximum protection.
It's moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow.
And here are your bronzes.
- They are dampness-proof.
- Dampness-proof?
Not merely waterproof,
nor moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow...
...but dampness-proof.
Now then, in addition your Emperor model
features not a rayon or crepe interior...
...but an all-silk interior.
Tell me, Mr. Barlow,
was your uncle a sensitive person?
- Yes, I suppose he was.
- Rayon chafes, you know.
Personally, I find it really quite abrasive.
Well, then, I think,
then, I'll take the Emperor model.
Wonderful, Mr. Barlow. Wonderful.
Now then, Mr. Barlow, have you given
any thought to exterior designations?
I can give you our Eternal Flame in either
perpetual eternal or standard eternal.
What is the difference, actually?
Well, with standard eternal,
your flame burns only during visiting hours.
It is shut down at night.
With your perpetual eternal,
your flame is in service 24 hours a day.
Well, I think the perpetual eternal,
wouldn't you?
Oh, yes. Yes.
- Propane or butane, Mr. Barlow?
- What?
- Propane burns bluer.
- Oh, well, nicer, I think. Don't you?
Simply marvelous, Mr. Barlow.
Now, we'll just go along into fittings.
This is the Prince Albert, one of our
most popular slumber-room ensembles.
It's really quite lovely.
It's split at the seams, you see.
Avoids having to force the arms and legs.
- Very clever, isn't it?
- Oh, yes. Yes.
The idea originated in vaudeville
with the quick-change artiste.
Yes, I see. Well, as a matter of fact...
...I think he might be best
in something of his own.
Of course, if you feel
that would be appropriate.
Would you sit down, please?
Now then, Mr. Barlow, the shoes.
Designed to fit the foot at rest.
The foot curls a bit, you know,
when rig-moe sets in.
- I see.
- Very smart, aren't they?
Yes, quite smart.
- Now then, a mourning outfit for yourself.
- Pardon?
Frock-cut, I believe.
Well, I think, a plain dark suit.
That is, if you have one.
- Naturally, Mr. Barlow.
- Without the open seams, I hope.
You'll be the death of me yet,
Mr. Barlow.
And now, we'll see
some of our slumber rooms.
I know all about that.
The carloadings on freestone fruit have
fallen down below any level that I'll accept.
Well, I don't care
if you have to put on more men...
Mr. Keeler's in peach preserves.
Of course, he's very upset about his wife...
...but business is so heavy right now that
he can't afford to neglect it for a moment.
I guess it's seasonal.
And now, we have a nightshade room.
With our new solarium
for sun worshippers.
Now, if you'll follow me, please,
I'll show you around the grounds.
Let me explain the dream to you.
This entire place is a dream.
If the Blessed Reverend
had not dreamed it, it would not exist.
"This building, like all others
in Whispering Glades... built of cast iron
and reinforced concrete.
It is certified protection against fire,
earthquake and nuclear fission."
The Blessed Reverend
always builds for eternity.
The park is zoned. Each zone
has its own name and its own work of art.
- And here are the Cloisters of Harrow.
- The Cloisters of Harrow?
- Yes, for loved ones of great learning.
- Oh, I see. They were all great scholars.
Yes. This is the entire missionary staff...
...of the St. Francis
Theological Seminary of Burbank.
- All massacred.
- All of them?
Yes, in different parts of the world, over
the years, by the regional savages there.
This is Barchester Terrace,
for loved ones of the financial professions.
Of the financial professions?
Yes. Bankers, manufacturers
and other loved ones with large backing.
We have double plots
here in the Damon and Pythias section...
...for loved ones who were very close.
Then, over here, we have Lover's Nest
with Rodin's famous statue, The Kiss.
Twenty-five percent larger
than a life-size replica would be.
- Unrestrained passion...
- And here, we have the Falls of Xanadu.
The Falls of Xanadu?
Funny that Coleridge
never mentioned them.
- I beg your pardon?
- Coleridge, the man who wrote the poem.
I never heard there was a poem.
All the names in Whispering Glades
were created by the Blessed Reverend.
What are those things?
The bottom of the lagoon
is known as Neptune's Cradle.
Those loved ones
were completely dedicated to the sea.
They're long-distance swimmers,
Fourth of July boating enthusiasts...
...admirals, surfers, water-skiers.
All sorts.
Several plots are available here... the shadow
of the prominent Greek poet Homer.
Yes. I think Uncle Francis
would like that.
Homer used very visual imagery.
Oh, that's fine. Shall we put him down
for Poets' Corner, Mr. Barlow?
Yes, let's.
- When shall I see you again?
- Oh, the day after tomorrow.
You'd better come before the leave-taking
to see that everything is as you wish.
Whom shall I ask for?
Just for the cosmetician
of the Gothic Slumber Room.
- No name?
- No name is necessary.
That hardly seems fair.
I mean, you have mine.
Mr. Barlow, the rules here
were made by the Blessed Reverend.
And we follow them gladly.
You see, Whispering Glades
is a way of life.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.
- Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.
- Good morning.
Good morning, Mr...
Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.
Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.
Here is the strangulated loved one
for the Gothic Slumber Room.
Was he a difficult case, Mr. Joyboy?
No, just a wee bit.
But I think he came out just dandy.
- Oh, he's beautiful.
- Yes.
There. He came up nicely.
So supple.
Well, I'd better begin.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know how to explain it.
But it seems when I know
I'm working for you...
...then something in me says,
"He's on his way to Miss Thanatogenos."
And then, my fingers just take control.
Haven't you noticed that?
Well, I did say only last week...
...that all the loved ones that come from
Mr. Joyboy have the most beautiful smiles.
It's all for you, Miss Thanatogenos.
- Mr. Joyboy. Mr. Joyboy.
- Yes, what is it?
Two more loved ones just came in.
Who are they for?
Oh, Mr. Vogel's free.
- One of them is an infant.
- Oh, is it mother and child?
No. No relation.
Mr. Vogel will take the adult
and I'll do the baby.
You do love children,
don't you, Mr. Joyboy?
Well, off to baby.
- Is it what you'd hoped, Mr. Barlow?
- Oh, more.
Is he quite hard?
- May I touch him?
- Please do not. It leaves a mark.
Come this way, gentlemen.
- Excuse me.
- Ah, Barlow.
What was it my old friend
Sir James Barry used to say?
- "To die..."
- "Will be a very great adventure."
Thank you.
Barlow, didn't old Frank say
you did a bit of ballad-mongering?
Why don't you write me something
to recite at the funeral.
Keep it short and direct, will you?
Well, I'll certainly try, Sir Ambrose.
And make it legible.
I don't want to have to wear my goggles.
Yes. Do you know, I don't think
I've ever seen old Frank looking better.
Bury the great knight
with the studio's valediction.
Let us bury the great knight...
Valediction, restriction,
friction, constriction.
They told me, Francis Hinsley
They told me you were hung
With red, protruding eyeballs
And black protruding tongue
I wept as I remembered
How often you and I had...
Had laughed
About Los Angeles
And now
'Tis here
You'll lie
Pickled in formaldehyde
And painted like a whore, shrimp pink
Not lost
But gone before
Hello. Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to frighten you.
I'm afraid my memory's very bad
for live faces.
Tell me something.
Do you come here often?
Yes, I do. I come here almost every day
to have my lunch.
Tell me, what do you think about
when you're out here all by yourself?
Oh, just death and art.
Half in love with easeful Death
- What did you say?
- It's a poem.
A poem?
Are you a poet?
For many a time
I've been half in love with easeful Death
Called him soft names
In many a mused rhyme
To take into the air my quiet breath
Now more than ever seems it rich to die
To cease upon the midnight with no pain
- Did you write that?
- Did you like it?
Oh, yes. It's beautiful. Did you write it
since you came here to Whispering Glades?
No, no, no.
It was written a long time ago.
Well, it couldn't have been lovelier
if you'd written it right here.
It must be a wonderful, inspiring thing
to be a poet.
Oh, you have a rather poetic
occupation yourself.
Yes. Yes, I know I have.
Are some of the loved ones
better to work on than others?
Oh, yes. When a person has soul,
it makes all the difference.
When there's soul,
there's something to inspire you.
Tell me something.
Would it inspire you to work
on a loved one who was like me?
You'd be difficult.
You're the wrong age for soul.
It comes more naturally
in the very young or the very old.
But I'd certainly be inspired.
It would be marvelous to work on a poet.
Now, more than ever
Seems it rich to die
I'd love to read your poem sometime.
I'll send it to you.
That is, if you'll tell me
your name and address.
- My name is Aime.
- What a pretty name. Is it French?
Oh, no. It's after Aime McPherson.
- Well, I have to be going.
- Wait.
- Where shall I send the poem?
- Oh, just send it here to Whispering Glades.
This is my true home.
- We're running late, Joey. Goose them up.
- Right.
Above the love of the flesh,
dear brethren, there is a higher love...
...a purer love, a fuller love.
A love which can only be described
as true love.
Richard, wilt thou have this woman
for thy wedded wife?
I will.
Patricia, will thou have this man
for thy wedded husband?
- I will.
- Repeat after me.
With this ring, I thee wed.
- "With this..."
- Those whom God hath joined together...
...let no man put asunder.
By the authority vested in me
by the state of California...
...I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Hey, Mert.
No, you jerk. On the casket.
All set? Go.
Let us bury the great knight
With the studio's valediction
Who has since suffered
A form of major constriction
They told me, Francis Hinsley
They told me you were hung
With red protruding eyeballs...
I wept as I remembered how often
You and I have laughed about Lo...
Taking him all in all, this was a man.
Unto almighty God, we commend the soul
of our loved one departed.
Gibberish. Filthy gibberish.
Well, if you'd only taken the time
to read it beforehand.
I have more important things to do
than to read your doggerel.
- Doggerel. I see.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
I don't know what your game is,
Barlow, but...
Can we please have you looking over here,
Sir Ambrose?
- That's fine. Hold it there.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- One more, sir.
- Just get one more.
- I'd be delighted.
Right this way. Thank you.
- I'm sorry, kid.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
I sure did feel bad about your uncle.
He's the one learned me good English.
The consul happens to be a personal friend.
He'll be told of your scandalous conduct.
Take my advice. Get out of this country
before they throw you out.
That may be a little uncomfortable.
The police have developed new methods
of dealing with hooligans like you.
Dogs and cattle prods.
Hey, kid, what's with His Lordship?
I think he didn't like my poem.
He's anti-art.
- Well, what are your plans now?
- Very flexible at the moment.
- I've just been thinking. I've got a plan.
- What?
As a matter of fact, I've got a proposition
for you. You just leave it to old Harry.
You know something?
You look great in black.
You know, we're due at the Atwells'
in 10 minutes.
- Go on, break the house!
- Stop it!
I know one thing only. I know
that Arthur's dead and you killed him.
- I did not kill Arthur. Come in.
- Yes. I'm...
I know who you are, young man.
Just come right over here.
Just wait right here for a minute
because my wife is a little upset.
Will you wait here, please?
- That was a damn silly thing to say to me.
- Silly?
- Yes.
- Yes, yes, of course.
Well, you think everything's silly.
This house is silly, I'm silly.
The president is silly.
And Arthur was silly.
If you really loved Arthur
as much as you say...
Where Arthur was concerned,
you never even gave love a break.
But you could have tried.
- You mean?
- Yes. Dr. Sallert could have helped you.
Helen, dear, we've got to decide
about the services for Arthur.
We can't keep the Atwells waiting.
- Must you make a farce out of everything?
- Oh, Helen.
Send him away.
Helen, we've got to settle this
once and for all, for everybody's sake.
You filthy swine.
- Why must you always hurt me?
- Helen, please.
All right.
Have it your own way.
You always do.
I want to conclude this business
as quickly as possible.
Come on. Hurry.
Let's get to it.
- All right. Come on, kid. Let's get to it.
- Yes, of course.
- Which service have you decided on?
- Well, I don't know.
We can give you entombment,
...dissemination or eternalization.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, that would be embalmed, buried,
scattered or burned.
Burned. That's good. Burned.
Now then, let's see. Will you require
a niche in our Sanctum Sanatorium?
Or would you prefer
to keep the ashes at home?
Not at home, pal. Not at home. No.
- If you'll just sign the order form.
- Yeah. Get this over with.
- Where is the loved one?
- Oh, you mean, Arthur?
He's in the kitchen.
I put him on the breakfast bar.
- Get him out of here.
- Every anniversary...
...a card of remembrance
is sent without charge.
It reads, "Your little Arthur is thinking
of you, wagging his tail in heaven tonight."
That's beautiful, very beautiful.
Don't touch Arthur!
Helen, we're five minutes late now
for dinner at the Atwells'.
- Helen, please.
- Stay where you are.
Shall I put my hands up?
- No. Take Arthur and go.
- Don't you dare.
Helen, this is ridiculous.
I'm getting hungry.
All right. Go ahead and shoot me.
Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Always wanting the easy way out.
- Well, this time you're not going to get it.
- Stop. Stop it, Helen. Stop.
No. No, I don't want to live.
- Really, I don't want to live.
- Take Arthur and run.
Arthur. Arthur. Oh, sweet Arthur.
- Hello, operator?
- Arthur.
Hello, Dr. Sallert?
Do me a favor honey, will you?
Will you tell the Atwells
we'll be late for dinner?
Yes, madam. Yes, yes.
He'll be in very good company.
Rin-Tin-Tin, Lassie, Trigger, Silver.
They're all here.
Little Sheba, Mister Ed. Fine. You bet.
Listen, why don't I drop by your place
with one of our brochures...
...and I'll fill you in on our services?
All right? Fine.
You bet. Right away. Bye now.
- How'd you make out, kid?
- Quite well.
Just another well-adjusted
American couple.
Good. Well, listen.
I've got to make a little trip over
to Beverly Hills to see a man about a dog.
Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew
Now let us sport us while we may
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
The grave's a fine and private place
But none, I think
Do there
"To His Coy Mistress."
From Andrew Marvell...
...and me.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
- I brought you the poem.
- But you said you were going to send it.
Well, I wanted to see you.
I thought we might...
...go to the cinema or something.
Oh, well, Reverend Glenworthy
considers it unethical...
...for the girls to see the waiting ones
outside the establishment.
Yes. Well, he needn't know about it,
you know.
Oh, no. I couldn't deceive
Reverend Glenworthy.
Oh, I see.
Well, anyway,
I always stay home in the evenings.
- Good night, Miss Thanatogenos.
- Good night.
- How disgusting!
- What?
There, that awful truck.
"The Happier Hunting Grounds."
They try to be like us
and they just make a mockery of death.
What's the matter? Are you sick?
No, no, no. It's not that. It's...
I can't explain. It's like some kind
of a tiny brain hemorrhage.
It comes over me like this sometimes.
A poem.
Yes. I must write it now.
Now, the thing is, this is not the place.
I know it's nearby.
If I could only think.
The Falls. The Falls of Xanadu.
Here. Right down here. Come on.
This is a nice place.
Isn't this a likely spot?
Well, yes. It's lovely.
I want you to help me.
I want you to help me write the poem.
Help you? But how?
I want you to be...
I want you to be a part of it.
Now, here, look.
Let me explain. Here, sit, sit.
Aime, a poet, an artist...
...he draws his inspiration
from beauty in many forms.
Dennis, don't.
That's not an ethical thing to do.
Why? Don't Americans kiss?
Well, of course they kiss.
But what has that got to do with us?
You're an American girl.
And I'm a man.
And anyway, this certainly wouldn't be
the time or place for that sort of thing.
What better time and place
could there be?
Here we are together. Aime.
Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
Did you just write that?
Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.
- Dennis, don't. No, you mustn't...
- Aime, you do...
...want to help me write
that poem, don't you?
I do. I do want to help you
write the poem, but...
In the name of art.
I think I chipped my cap
on your tooth.
Behold the lovely Falls of Xanadu.
- Aime. Stop.
- An exact replica of those...
- Aime!
- ... in the famous city of Kublai Khan.
- Aime!
- They measure 427 feet in height.
- Aime! Listen!
- They produce...
- Aime!
...160 gallons of water per minute.
- Aime. Don't be frightened.
- The Falls were built in 1953...
- There's nothing wrong with feelings.
- ... and cost over 1 million dollars.
Regard these falls, stranger,
and be happy.
No. No.
Behold the lovely Falls of Xanadu.
- An exact replica of those in the fam...
- I can't swim. Help!
Dear Guru Brahmin,
you may remember that I wrote to you...
...about my feelings towards the head
of my department.
"But now, I've met another man,
and he's written a lot of poems to me.
When I'm with him...
...I feel like the other girls say they
feel when they're with their boyfriends...
...or at the movies.
However, he is not at all
such an admirable character.
He's cynical about many things
which are sacred.
Also, he's not American, but British.
And tonight, he tried
to 'blank-blank' with me.
First, he tried to rouse me
in a physical manner.
I don't know whether
I was roused or not. I think so.
But I did not let him do what he tried.
Should I see this man again?"
Okay. Dear Aime:
The feeling you described for your
fresh friend does not sound like love...
...but still remember, love is a slow-growing
seed, which sometimes does not flower...
...until after marriage
and commonly shared experiences.
Furthermore, you silly bitch, whichever one
you get is much too good for you.
Strike out the "bitch."
"Examine carefully the intentions
of this glib foreign poet."
Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.
- I'm sorry. I hope I didn't startle you.
- No.
Miss Thanatogenos,
I cannot tell you how pleased I am. Not...
Not only with your work, but with the high
standards and principles that you bring to it.
- Thank you.
- Yester...
Yesterday, I mentioned you
to the Blessed Reverend.
- The Blessed Reverend?
- Yes.
Which brings me to the reason
for my intrusion here.
This way, Miss Thanatogenos.
Tomorrow, they shall be swimming
on the new lake in Babyland.
The baby loved ones sometimes feel lost
there at first, just after they've passed over.
Now I dreamed they needed playmates.
What do you think of my dream,
Mr. Joyboy?
It's a dream that only the Blessed Reverend
can dream, if I may say so.
- And now I'd like to present Miss...
- Miss Thanatogenos.
Yes, Miss Thanatogenos,
I've had my eye on you for some time now.
As I have my eyes on all the members
of our fine family here.
Miss Thanatogenos, as there are
many people of delicate sensibilities...
...with a natural reluctance to expose
their loved ones to anything of immodesty...
...Ive been considering the advantages
of training a female embalmer.
Aime Thanatogenos...
...first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.
Thank you, Blessed Reverend. Thank you.
That will be all. Thank you.
- I can't believe it. Oh, Mr. Joyboy.
- Now, if I may intrude a personal note...
...this does call for a little celebration.
I wonder if you would do me the honor
of having supper with me this evening?
I don't know what to say.
Well, I wish you to come to my home,
Miss Thanatogenos.
I claim the right and the great privilege...
...of introducing the first lady embalmer
of Whispering Glades to my mom.
- First lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.
- May I consider it definite, then?
Well, 7, then? Congratulations.
The first lady embalmer
of Whispering Glades.
Lady embalmer of Whispering Glades.
The first lady embalmer
of Whispering Glades.
Gentlemen, if you will.
Blake, the report.
Gentlemen, these quarterly figures
have distressed me greatly.
Glenworthy Enterprises
is not a philanthropic organization.
Now, let's go straight
to the purpose of this meeting.
The status and future of Whispering Glades
as a financial proposition.
Haggerty, the projection.
According to our projection,
at the present rate of burial...
...the total remaining acreage
will be depleted in seven years' time.
Whispering Glades, as an operational
enterprise, will then cease to exist.
The most feasible possibility,
which has yet been suggested... to convert this acreage
into a retirement city.
A haven for our senior citizens.
Haggerty, the views.
Now, gentlemen...
...these are the views of some of our
more successful retirement communities.
Here you see the Shangri-Lodge Tropicana,
and our senior citizens at play.
The annual net has been placed
at some 25,000 per acre...
...with the distinct advantage
of not depleting itself...
...since the turnover among retirement-city
clientele is fairly brisk.
Suffice it to say that our overall projection
figures indicate a 12,000 percent gain... the immediate conversion
of this acreage into a retirement city...
...a haven for our senior citizens.
Okay, kill it.
Now, gentlemen, any comment?
You're not thinking about disinterment?
Surely, that is out of the question, Wilbur.
After all, it's consecrated ground.
There's got to be a way... get those stiffs off my property.
The first lady embalmer
of Whispering Glades.
Oh, that's splendid.
How much is that worth?
I don't know.
I never even considered that part of it.
Well, it must be something.
I mean, 200 a week.
Don't you..? We could get married on that.
- What did you say?
- We could be married. Don't you see?
Aime, wait. Now...
My dear girl, don't you realize
it's the money that's been holding me back.
An American would despise himself
for living off his wife.
I'm English. We have none of these
prejudices in more developed civilizations.
I think you are being
absolutely despicable.
Oh, now, Aime... Now, wait.
Listen, please.
Now, you want us to be together,
now, don't you?
- No! I don't think you're an ethical person!
- Aime, wait.
Well, here we are. Now to meet Mom.
This is Mom's room. It's sort of the center
of things around here.
Mom. Are you decent?
Well, here we come. Ready or not.
There's my boy!
I brought you a big surprise.
Aime, this is Mom.
- How do you do?
- Hello, dear. These are delicious.
This is our little Gandhi bird.
Come on, Gandhi. Come on.
This is our little Gandhi bird.
You just say hello to Aime, Gandhi.
There is no death.
There is no death.
- No death.
- Mom taught her that.
You see, Mom believes
in positive thinking.
I call him Gandhi because he's so skinny.
Give him a meaty, will you, darling?
He's such a good boy.
Aren't you, Gandhi?
Oh, well. Now that you've met us,
what do you think of our little family?
Oh, it's time for King Chicken.
Mom never misses
her King Chicken commercials.
And what's more,
it's extra low in calories.
Oh, this must be King Chicken.
I don't even realize I'm watching my diet.
Serve it often, but make sure you serve
the supreme quality king of chicken...
... King Chicken.
- Where's Laf?
- Laf?
I always call him Laf, for "Lafayette."
7:38. Time for Big Boy Crabs.
It's a new one.
It's a new one.
They're using a giant one.
Oh, they're using a giant one now!
- Oh, God!
- It does look good, doesn't it?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Mom's a heck of a lot of fun, isn't she?
Oh, she's every inch a queen.
Aime, I wanna show you something.
This is my bedroom.
I wanted you to see it.
I don't know why.
Oh, that's the storage room over there.
We're gonna enlarge that a bit
to put in Mom's big tub, you see.
- Big tub?
- Yes. A big tub for Mom.
I give her sponge baths.
I'm going to continue doing that.
But I've saved my money
and I've ordered a great big tub for Mom.
You know, sometimes... I know it sounds
crazy, but sometimes I have a dream.
I dream that I'm in the Food Giant
Supermarket, the one on La Brea Street...
...buying lobsters for Mom. The biggest,
juiciest lobsters you can imagine.
I buy them by the dozen
just the way people buy eggs.
And then they see me coming in the market
and they say:
"Here comes the lobster man.
Oh, here he comes."
And then... It sounds crazy, but then
I kind of... I do this little dance and I sing:
Mama little Joyboy
Want lobster, lobster
Mama's little Joyboy
Want lobster for Mom
And then the whole dream changes.
I don't know, it...
It becomes like a nightmare.
Because when I put that big darn platter
of juicy lobsters down in front of Mom...
...they're still alive,
as if I haven't cooked them at all.
Then, suddenly, I'd start to cry because...
...I feel that I've let Mom down again.
"That's all right," she says.
"I'll take them the way they are."
By golly, she tears right into those
live lobsters, claws and all.
But they fight back.
And they begin to claw her
and chew her and eat her.
I don't want to think about it.
But they don't stop.
They just keep on clawing and biting.
And then, finally...
...there's no more Mom.
Laf! When is supper?
I'm starving to death.
Mommy's little Joyboy
Has piggy, piggy
Mommy's little Joyboy
Has piggy for Mom
Help yourself, Aime.
We don't stand on ceremony around here.
No. No more. Thank you.
Excuse me.
She says his mom's eating habits
are unaesthetic.
That he looks undignified in an apron.
That she's not sure she really loves him.
Tell her to marry the other jerk.
Till all the seas gang dry, my dear
And the rocks melt with the sun.
I will love thee still, my dear
While the sands of life shall run.
Now we're pledged to each other,
aren't we, Dennis?
Dennis, it says
"We shall have many a canty day."
What does that mean?
Canty day.
Something like Hogmanay, I expect.
Hogmanay? What's that?
People that are throwing up
in the streets of Glasgow.
Do you know how the poem ends?
Now we maun totter down, John
But hand in hand, we'll go
And sleep together at the foot
John Anderson, my jo.
Dennis, why are you so coarse?
Why don't I visit you tonight?
At your home?
- I mean, until you see a person's home...
- No. really don't know them.
Well, now that we are engaged, I suppose
it's all right for you to come there.
Aime, are you in there?
- Hi.
- Hello.
- You see. Isn't it wonderful?
- Very cozy.
Having some work done, I see.
Poor house. I'm afraid there'll never be
any more work on it.
You see, when they discovered it was
a slide area, well, they abandoned it.
- Well, just what exactly is a slide area?
- Oh, it's a silly thing, really.
It's supposed to mean the earth is gradually
sliding down the side of the mountain.
They keep putting up these awful signs.
I just snatch them right down again.
Come inside and I'll show you the view.
Well, this is where I live.
You see, Dennis, I want to surround
myself with beauty.
I don't care about
what some people call comfort.
- Isn't it rather dangerous?
- Dangerous?
- I mean, isn't it liable to fall down?
- Yes. I suppose it is.
Come on out.
- Isn't it enchanting?
- Yes.
- It's absolutely breathtaking.
- It's like another world.
You know, some people think of death
as a negative thing.
But you see how wrong they are,
don't you?
What could be more beautiful
and more thrilling than eternal rest?
Aime. Look, why don't you show me
some of the objets d'art in the other room.
You do love beauty, don't you?
- What's that?
- Oh, that's just a slide.
- Don't worry.
- Listen, I've got to push on now.
A raise? Why would you need a raise?
- Actually, Harry, I thought I'd buy a car.
- You can use the van.
Yes, Harry. I know I can use the van,
and I do appreciate that.
But you see,
I'm going with this girl now.
Well, she has a thing about this place.
She thinks it's sacrilegious or something.
Sacrilegious, huh? What does she know?
Is she some kind of kook?
Now, I'll tell you, Dennis,
how can you pick up a few extra bucks.
- You can become a nonsectarian minister.
- I beg your pardon.
Yeah. Like that guy, Horowitz.
The guy that did the service on the Alsatian
the other day. He's nonsectarian.
...would you say a nonsectarian minister
was the social equal of an embalmer?
You're damn right he is, kid.
There's a deep, abiding respect in the hearts
of Mr. And Mrs. U.S.A. For ministers.
What the hell was that? Don't touch it.
It might be a live shell. Come on.
Kid, don't go in there.
There's a live bomb in there.
It isn't a bomb.
It's a 70-centimeter projectile.
I launched it at approximately 0500 hours.
Optical tracking confirmed marginal error... trajectory countdown...
- All right, sonny.
- Is that it?
- Retardation shoot must've failed.
Overheated. Disintegration of thread fibers.
Flight stabilizers, A-okay.
What time did it touch down?
What the hell do you mean "touch down"?
You call that a touch?
It is very important
that I know the time of touchdown.
Listen, kid, somebody's gonna pay
for this hole in the roof.
Don't you have insurance?
You're the one who's gonna need
insurance, buster. What's that anyway?
It's a modified C-7 Wildcat.
Single-stage, 1.h. Turbo with a 4G thrust.
- It is, huh? Where'd you get it?
- I built it.
For you, Miss Thanatogenos,
from Mr. Joyboy.
"This is how I feel
since I heard of your betrothal."
Aime, thy beauty is to me
Like those Nicean barks of yore
That gently, o'er a perfumed sea
The weary way-worn wanderer bore
To his own native shore.
On desperate seas long wont to roam
Thy hyacinth hair, thy classic face
Thy Naiad airs have brought me home
To the glory that was Greece
And the grandeur that was Rome.
"This little dog was embalmed in 1950."
- Oh, yes, sir, may I help you?
- Yes. I understand that you inter animals?
Yes. Anything from a horse to a mouse.
In the case of snakes over 6 feet,
we insist that they be coiled.
I see. Well, I have a bird.
It's a mynah bird.
It belongs to my mother. It's...
It's in here.
Well, we'd better get him on ice
right away.
Perhaps you'd like to look at our brochure
on the desk there, then.
That'll give you an idea
of our various services.
- Would you excuse me?
- Certainly.
Harry, how much for a mynah bird?
Mynah bird?
What the hell's a mynah bird?
Something like a crow, I think.
- So the same price as crows, 30 bucks.
- Just a minute, Barlow.
Harry, what's the cc displacement
on a crow?
- Come again?
- How big is it?
Now you're talking, Gunther.
Come here, kid.
Now, listen. As I see it, we can put this
thing up here and put it together...
Helen, thy beauty is to me
Like those Nicean barks of yore
- The rate is $30 for the standard service.
- That'll be fine.
However, look, we can offer you
a special new service...
...whereby the remains are placed inside
a rocket and fired into space.
- Fired into space?
- Yes. Fired into space.
Oh, that'll do just nicely.
Come on. Come on.
"Bird born of egg..."
"Bird born of egg...
...hath but a short time and is full of lice.
And is cut down like a flower.
Let us say farewell to our Gandhi
thus departed."
- You all set, kid?
- Right, Harry. Connect the umbilical.
All systems go.
Ready for countdown.
Earth to earth...
...ashes to ashes...
...dust to dust...
...air to air.
We commit this bird to the air...
...from whence it came.
What the hell was that?
Great God in heaven!
Aime, wait!
- How's it look, Gunther?
- Nice pattern. Almost hit a big helicopter.
- Where?
- Oh, over there.
Oh, boy. Wouldn't you know it?
That's Will.
Aime, please.
You've got to let me explain.
Miss Thanatogenos doesn't want anything
to do with you or your pilfered poetry.
Aime, please!
What in God's name is happening here?
That must've looked kind of funny to you...
- Funny?
- Now, wait a minute, Will.
You see that kid back there?
That's Gunther. The kid's a genius.
- A space-age genius.
- Well, what's he doing here?
Well, that's it, Will.
You see, the kid wanted his own lab.
Well, he started in taking stuff
home from school.
Radar sets, jet engines, that kind of thing.
Then he went after their atomic reactor.
A raving lunatic.
I tell you, Will, he can put them in orbit.
- He can what?
- He can put them in orbit, Will.
He can put them into orbit.
He can put them into an orbit
of eternal grace.
Yes, Harry. I should like very much
to meet this young Gunther.
Yes, among the hardware,
which is now totally obsolete...
...a modified Atlas-8 would be the
vehicle of choice for your purpose.
Modification, to what extent?
Hey, you better not smoke around here.
Something might explode.
The real problem will be in
obtaining the missile in the first place.
Get me General Buck Brinkman
in Air Force Surplus.
Come over and meet the reverend.
No, thank you, son.
Reverend Glenworthy,
this is Colonel Bart.
He's one of our top flyboys
in the know-how department.
- Glad to meet you, Colonel.
- Thank you.
Say, you have an empty glass there.
We can't have that.
Waiter, some more champagne
for the colonel here.
I told you to keep these glasses filled.
- We're thirsty. Right, boys?
- Yeah.
Listen, Will.
- Suppose you tell me what this is about?
- Right, Buck.
First, let's have a little look around.
Let me show you how we do things here
at Whispering Glades.
- Fine.
- Good. Boys, follow me.
This is our selection room, gentlemen.
One of these models is sure
to meet your requirements.
What's going on here?
Is he trying to be funny?
Yes, I'm confident there's a unit here
for every taste.
Consider these bronzes.
This is your Deep Rest Special.
Colonel, I was wondering if I could ask you
to test the weight of that unit.
You're the doctor. San Antone!
What do you say, gang?
Last guy in the box is a bad boy.
No, no, no. That's not it.
I tell you, Harry, this first resurrection
has got to be perfect.
How about a Nobel Prize winner?
Nobel, schmobel.
It's got to be national appeal, Harry.
Yeah. Sure.
Well, wait a minute.
What about a multimillionaire, Will?
You're working the wrong side
of the street, Harry.
Now, wait a minute, Will.
I think I've got it this time.
How about a baby? A babe in arms?
From a babe in arms to a babe in orbit.
- How's that sound, huh?
- Hold it, Harry. Hold it!
Condor, you shall fly again.
Well, the only thing
that worries me, Will, is...
...that Blodgett dame, will she buy it?
Remember, you carry the ball.
She's probably pretty classy
and she'll appreciate your style.
Don't be too pushy.
She may still be in mourning.
Table down front, boys?
We're looking for Mrs. Blodgett,
Sadie Blodgett.
Yes, widow of the late astronaut,
Captain Todd "The Condor" Blodgett.
Okay. I'll get her.
You can wait here for her.
Look, don't call him a hero to me.
I was there, right?
Well, he fell off a barstool
and broke his neck.
That's how it really happened.
Of course, they kind of hushed it up.
And, naturally, then everybody said
it was my fault. But I don't see it that way.
I mean,
I think it's the fault of the system.
Don't you?
Oh, yes, I do indeed. Yes.
What are you, English?
- Yes, I am.
- I like Englishmen.
- Have a drink?
- Oh, thank you.
- Mrs. Blodgett, I'm sure that you...
- You can call me Sadie.
Yes, well, I'd...
- I'd like to very much.
- Then why don't you?
What I was going to say, Sadie,
is that I'm sure...
...that you can appreciate
how important...
...your attendance
at the ceremony will be...
...and also a certain amount of decorum
will be expected.
Oh, I know the drill.
I mean, I can make those scenes...
...when I want to.
Tell you what.
I've gotta get on back to the office.
Why don't you finish up here
with Mrs. Blodgett.
Yes, Dennis. Why don't you stay...
...and help me pick out
something to wear.
- Good night, Mrs. Blodgett.
- Good night.
Tell me, Buck, what about clearance
from the Space Agency?
Think we'll have any trouble there?
Well, I'll tell you frankly, Will.
I don't trust those civilian eggheads.
Too much of the old pinko "prevert"
influence to suit me.
I think I'll go straight
to Mr. Big with this one.
Good idea, Buck.
Blessed Reverend?
Your brother's back.
Sadie swallowed it all. Hook, line and pull.
Right, Dennis?
Good work, Harry. Good work.
Well, gentlemen,
this is quite an historic moment.
We're about to step across
the threshold of a new era.
Space burial and resurrection now.
- What about space conservation, Will?
- We're working on that, Buck.
- Gunther?
- Orbital clusters.
With concentric elliptical patterns,
it's possible orbits transect infinitely.
Thus, utilizing a relative small area
of any postulated space limit.
What would happen
if two of the loved ones collided?
Gentlemen, I'm afraid some people
just aren't ready for the space age.
"I had a terrible awakening and now I..."
Okay, okay, back to work. Where was I?
she's had a terrible awakening.
The man she thought she loved turned out
to be a liar and a cheat and has lost his job.
Okay. Tell her to marry the other guy.
That seems to be about
what she intends to do.
Aime! Aime!
Now, you'll have to listen to me...
...or listen to your conscience
for the rest of your life.
Now, I'm talking about our oath.
The pledge of our troth, Aime,
made on hallowed ground.
You're flooding the carburetor.
Leave it alone for a minute.
Just consider your flagrant disregard
for the most sacred of all oaths.
You could release me from that pledge.
- And you would if you were a gentleman.
- I will never release you.
The first lady embalmer
of Whispering Glades...
...and now I've disgraced it.
And the Blessed Reverend too.
Let me tell you something.
Your so-called Blessed Reverend... nothing but a common crook.
- I won't listen to you.
And that idiotic Whispering Glades
is being sold out from under you.
Sold out, do you hear?
Sold out. That Blessed Reverend, he...
He's going to do a different racket!
Hello? Yes, who is it?
The Blessed Reverend? Yes, sir.
Yes. Yes. Yes, I'll be right over.
Yes, Blessed Reverend.
Yes. I'm fine. No, I'll be right there, sir.
Immediately, sir. Yes.
Laf, where are you?
Mrs. Joyboy, where is Laf?
I've got to talk to him.
Please, you don't understand.
It's very important.
Aime! Aime!
Anyone in?
Excuse me, I was looking for Aime...
Miss Thanatogenos.
Do you know where she went?
Oh, my goodness, are you all right?
No! No! No!
- Do you see the cranberry sauce?
- Cranberry sauce?
Where is he?
- The Brahmin, the Guru Brahmin?
- Hump?
- Hump?
- Yes, lady. That's his name.
- You mean Hump?
- Yes.
He's sitting at the corner of the bar.
Mr. Hump. Mr. Hump.
- He wants to bill daily.
- Mr. Hump.
- Tell us another one, Hump.
- Mr. Hump!
- What can I do for you, baby?
- Mr. Hump, may I speak to you?
Give us a couple of drinks, Joe.
What'll you have, baby?
Nothing, thank you. I don't drink.
- Can we go somewhere else, please?
- Let's have a couple of drinks first.
No, you don't understand.
I've got to have your advice.
I've always followed your advice.
I'm Aime. I'm Aime Thanatogenos.
- Thanatogenos?
- Don't you remember me?
I always write to you.
I don't have anybody else
that I can turn to.
Look, please, you've got to help me.
She's a ghoul from the graveyard.
Will you please tell me what to do?
Yes, I'll tell what to do.
Go across the street
to the Press Building.
Take the elevator to my floor.
It's the 14th.
Go into my office...
...and then you jump out of the window.
How's that for openers, honey?
Sold out! Sold out!
Sold out!
That Blessed Reverend,
he's going to do a different racket!
Miss Thanatogenos.
Oh, Blessed Reverend,
I must talk with you.
Of course.
Won't you please come up to my office?
Let me get you a drink.
Some Benedictine, perhaps, from
the monasteries of the Trappist monks.
A truly spiritual potion.
No. No, thank you.
Yes, we are rather overdue for a little talk,
aren't we, my child?
Reverend Glenworthy...
...I know this will sound
very foolish to you.
But I was so shocked
by what this person said to me...
...that I felt I had to tell you about it.
Exactly what did he say,
Miss Thanatogenos?
He said that...
That you...
You were going to change
Whispering Glades into something else.
You have an astonishing purity,
Miss Thanatogenos.
It's a quality I've always found
exceedingly attractive in the young.
It was just madness what he said,
wasn't it?
Just madness and evil?
Let me assure you, Miss Thanatogenos...
...that there will most definitely
be a place for you...
...regardless of any change in operation.
Beginning with a stiff boost in salary.
But Whispering Glades...
Yes, yes, that was all very well
in the light of its time.
But now all things must change.
We're a nation on the move. Death.
Death has become a middle-class business.
There's no future in it.
Soon there shall rise
from these grounds...
...a self-contained city of glass
and alloy for our senior citizens.
- What about the loved ones?
- To the stars, my dear.
In a celestial service befitting
this grand space age of ours.
The loved ones shall soar about
the heavens in an orbit of eternal grace.
Resurrection now.
Xanadu Falls...
...Shadowland, Poets' Corner,
those are eternal.
No. No, nothing is eternal.
All must change...
...including a young woman's beauty.
- No.
- Don't be afraid.
Beauty occurs in many forms.
Consider this statue.
Keep your eye on the statue.
And there.
And look over there.
And here.
Now, look here.
Beauty in every form.
In every form!
Beauty in every form.
Just when everything was perfect.
How could you do this to me?
Yes. The Condor. The Condor in there.
A perfect restoration. Still supple, beautiful
tones, just need a touch up here and there.
And then she had to go and spoil
everything. The shame. The scandal.
And the Blessed Reverend.
No, I can't hurt them like this.
You've got to help me, Barlow.
Well, just what do you have in mind?
Your place, the pet cemetery.
We could take her there
and we could cremate her.
No one would ever know.
You must do something.
You must do something to help me.
You must.
How much money
do you have in the bank?
I don't know. Why?
A change of air is what I need just now.
Back to sunny England for a bit.
That means that I shall require first-class
air passage and an additional sum.
Perhaps the very amount that you have
in your bank account.
That's blackmail!
My dear sir, blackmail is not a word
to be bandied about by gentlemen.
That'll take every cent
we have in the world.
No. Everything we need
for Mom's big tub and everything.
Mom's big tub?
Well, I mean it's either
Mom's big tub or me.
Now, you just have
to make up your mind, Popjoy.
We'll take her out the back
and down the ramp.
And then you bring the truck
around the back.
Wait. Wait a minute.
What is that casket?
That's the Condor's. No, please, Barlow.
Come on. We have to hurry.
That's what I thought it was.
- We'll put Aime in here.
- You must be mad.
They're gonna put that casket in a rocket
and shoot it into an orbit of eternal grace.
No. No.
Eternal grace is not for astronauts.
They're men of mundane manner.
But Aime was a heavenly thing.
It is she who belongs among the stars.
Not that flying robot of yours.
We'll burn him
at the Happier Hunting Ground.
I couldn't. I had to take a loyalty
oath before I could work on the Condor.
Joyboy, go out and get that jack-in-the-box
Condor and take him down to the ramp.
Detail, prepare casket. Raise.
Forward, march.
Standby for blastoff.
Ladies and gentlemen,
standby for blastoff has just been called.
And in just a few seconds,
we'll have this historic countdown.
Now, let me present to you...
...the man of the hour, without whom
none of this would've been possible.
The Blessed Reverend
Dr. Wilbur Glenworthy.
Too long in earthly bondage.
So it is written,
and so it has come to pass.
Twenty-four, 23, 22...
To soar in celestial serenity...
... throughout the farthest reaches of the
universe in an orbit of eternal grace.
Trans World Airlines, flight 760.
In large measure, and as always...
... this nation is beholden to the genius
of its children for this great moment.
- Yes, China may brainwash...
- Ten, nine...
- ... Russia may educate...
- Six, five...
- ... but America breeds its genius.
- Blastoff!
Resurrection. Now!
All first-class passengers to your left, sir.