Madea's Big Happy Family (2011) Movie Script

I don't even like
coming into doctors' offices.
I don't get sick ever.
I don't never get sick.
- You know that.
- Well, thank you for coming with me.
You're welcome, honey.
You know I'm always on your side, honey.
I just don't get sick.
I don't never get sick.
You're... You sick, but I don't get sick.
I'm sorry.
- You nervous, honey?
- No.
It's gonna be whatever it's gonna be.
Your mama taught you well, baby.
You got strong faith, Shirley, strong faith.
Good God. Lord have mercy.
Good God, he fine.
Doc, I'm sick.
It's in my chest, Doc.
Feel my chest. Come on.
Put your hands on my chest, Doc. Feel me.
Check my chest, Doc, please. I'm...
Aunt Bam. Stop it.
She's cute.
Cute? Cute is for puppies.
You mess with me, Doc, I'll have you
somewhere sucking on your thumb,
calling for your mama!
Standing on your left leg,
bowing down on your right,
wondering what I'm gonna do
to you tonight.
Pop, pop, pop it off...
- You married, Doc?
- No, ma'am.
- You straight?
- Aunt Bam...
What? You gotta ask
these questions nowadays, honey.
Will you please wait
out in the waiting room?
- Please?
- I'm embarrassing you?
I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean no harm.
Help me up, Doc.
Just help me up. I gotta bend up like this.
You see, Doc, listen, I don't even get sick.
I don't even like
coming into doctors' offices.
'Cause all y'all like to do is just probe
all over people, feeling, touch all of them...
Two, four, six-pack.
Look at that?
What? Sorry.
Okay, and look, look at your little offices.
This is too small in here.
Ain't no room for nobody to turn around.
See, I like to turn it.
When I turn it around I like to...
- He's straight.
- Aunt Bam.
Okay. But look here, watch this, watch this.
Did you like that? I
know he did, look at him.
- Aunt Bam, go on, now.
- You blushing. Okay, I'm sorry.
And don't you be out there smoking.
You better be worried about
what I'm gonna be out here smoking.
'Cause I'm gonna be out here smoking.
I'm going out here to smoke.
And I like what I'm gonna be smoking.
I like to see my name in puff.
She's something else.
You don't know the half of it.
So tell me, Dr. Evans.
Well, Ms. Shirley,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Just tell me.
The reason you've been short of breath
and having the headaches
is because the cancer is back.
It's much more aggressive this time.
I'm sorry.
I've called in a specialist who wants to try
another round of chemotherapy.
Listen, I'm tired.
We've been fighting this thing for, what,
seven years?
I really thought we had it beat.
Don't you look so sad.
What I know is that
every day that God gives us is a gift.
And when he stops giving it to me,
then I get to be with him.
So it's all right.
You're an amazing woman, Shirley.
You're always smiling.
Your faith gives me hope.
Well, God bless you.
I'll call and make an appointment. Okay?
Thank you, Doctor.
Good kush, good kush,
good kush, good kush.
Good kush, good kush.
Hey. Christ, praise the Lord.
Good kush.
Baby, I wouldn't go in there.
I wouldn't go in there if I was you, hon.
I told you.
She's gonna be right
when she comes out of there.
- Cora. Cora.
- Aunt Bam.
Baby, what are you doing here?
Mr. Brown wasn't feeling well last night.
Well, you know he has diabetes, right?
- He does?
- Yep.
- Lord, that's gonna kill him.
- Don't say that.
- Lord, he's gonna die. He's gonna die.
- He's...
He's not gonna die with that.
- Well, go on back there and see him then.
- Well, all right.
Well, wait a minute now, why are you...
I'm all right, honey, I don't get sick.
I'm here with Shirley. Shirley's back there.
- How is she?
- She's okay.
She's okay. She's got strong faith.
- That's what we need.
- She's got a strong back, too.
That could have made a lot for her
back in the day...
But, she could pull the hell out of a wagon.
- What you... - Yeah. I ain't even...
We didn't need horses.
Shirley was a horse all by herself.
She works like a horse,
she treats people nice.
It's just not good to get sick
and you treat people nice.
That just don't ever seem fair to me.
- Well, I...
- But it's okay, I guess,
you know,
the Lord just moves in mysterious ways.
- Yes, he does.
- His wonders to perform.
Yes, well, okay.
I'll talk to you later, all right?
- I'm going to see him.
- Please do, 'cause you...
- And I'll call you. Don't call me.
- All right.
'Cause you talks too much is what you do.
What you be saying, though.
Hey, baby. What the doctor say?
It's not good.
Girl, you gonna be all right.
You gonna be all right.
Not this time.
I need you to call all my children.
Okay, well, when we get home,
baby, I'll turn it on for you.
As soon as we get to the house,
All My Children...
You know, Bam,
you need to stop smoking all that weed.
Every time you smoke that weed
you act like you crazy.
What are you talking about? You said
you wanted to see All My Children.
I said I was gonna turn it on for you.
I wanna see all my family.
Well, okay, make up your mind, hon.
Do you wanna see All My Children
or you wanna see All in the Family?
Which one?
- Bam.
- What?
Come on, let's go catch this
bus before we're too late.
Wait, Shirley, baby,
did the doctor ask for my number?
Did he? Did he ask for my digits?
...come to the hospital?
You just gonna come up here
and bring me like I'm a kid to the hospital.
You got diabetes and you wasn't feeling
well and I brought you to the hospital.
Well, I feel well now. Can we go?
- Good day.
- Good day, Doctor. How you doing?
- Very well, thanks.
- Good, good.
Now, Mr. Brown,
you have to take your insulin.
I've been taking.
- Now, are you eating right?
- Yes, sure, I'm eating right. Yes.
No, he doesn't. He's lying.
Cora, ain't nobody...
You don't call me no liar.
I'm your daddy.
You come here, you're gonna sit there
and look at my face and call me no liar.
- You don't know what I eat.
- I know what he ate.
He ate 10 pieces of bacon,
three eggs, a biscuit
and a pork chop with jelly and orange juice.
Just for your information
that's where you lie,
'cause I don't even eat pork.
I ate ham. Thank you.
See, the problem with a lot of people is
they think diabetes is just a little sugar.
It isn't. Now you have to eat right...
- He don't do that.
- have to exercise.
He don't do that.
And let me tell you something, there are
people who have lost their eyesight,
their limbs, and even
died from this disease.
Now you gotta get serious about this,
lose some weight,
...start exercising, or things could
get worse. - Exercise.
Exercising, losing weight...
I am... Doctor, I hear what you...
Are you listening to what he's saying?
Cora, didn't I just say
I hear what he's saying?
Now you're gonna make me whoop you.
Get you some business.
You need to get you a husband,
maybe that'll keep you
out of other people's business.
- You married, Doctor?
- No, sir.
Cora ain't married neither.
Why don't you ask her to marry you
and y'all live happily ever after
in a forest or something?
So she can leave me alone,
stay out of my business.
Stay out of my mental function.
Now, Mr. Brown, I've also noticed
you've never had a colonoscopy.
Oh, yes, that's where you're wrong.
I drink colas all the time.
I like colas with ice and everything.
And he shouldn't be drinking colas.
There's too much sugar, isn't there, Doctor?
Cora, you're too much sugar.
Looking like a bag of cotton candy.
Cora is the snack demon.
That's right. I caught her one day
sneaking to get some chips.
Under your bed, I found them chip bags.
And she got soda water bags
and cups and everything under her bed.
- You...
- How many Oreos would this be?
- You...
- You know how many it is! Tell me.
- You know how many...
- Five Oreos.
You can tell me 'cause you tried to tell me
the other night.
We're not in here about me...
Mr. Brown, I do have to tell you that
you are well past 40 now.
Way past!
Well, I ain't that much past. You're trying
to make it seem like 40 is down there,
and I'm way back... I'm close to 40.
Forty's over there and I'm right there.
You make it seem like I'm old or something.
The point I'm trying to make is that
you should be having
regular colon and prostrate exams.
It could save your life.
Okay. You go ahead and check my collasum
and my prostitute. All right?
It's prostate, Mr. Brown.
Cora, I know. It's the same thing.
Just go ahead and just check me.
Hold on. I had some of Cora's chips I found
and I might have some on my prostitate.
Go ahead and check.
Not that end, Mr. Brown.
The other end.
You talking about my beginning
and the end?
- Yes!
- The devil is a liar!
You can't be back there like that.
- Wait, Doctor. Wait!
- Get him, Doc.
I'm new! Please!
Hey, Madea.
What the doctor say about Brown?
He's better. He just has to watch
his diabetes, just like you.
Oh, yeah, he got to watch that, honey,
he got to watch that for real.
He's gotta stop eating all that foolishness
and start exercising.
You right.
You right.
I think I'm gonna have the number four.
Welcome to Snax. May I take your order?
Are you at one of those drive-throughs?
Yes, I'm at a drive-through. Hell, I'm
hungry. I'm trying to get some breakfast.
Didn't I just tell you,
you have to start eating healthier?
Cora, hell, I don't wanna hear that.
I know you're probably standing
right next to a vending machine right now.
What you got, a honey bun?
Cora, listen, I got to go now.
Girl, I'm driving on the phone. You know
Oprah don't want me driving on the phone.
I'm upset, or whatever the case may be.
I would like to have a ham,
egg and cheese biscuit and orange juice.
Call Day back...
No, you call him on your phone,
I'm gonna keep callin' Byron, but
I'm gonna keep hanging up, answering,
"Nah, nah, nah." Hold on.
- Heller?
- Lady, I hear you. Hold on!
- You better answer that phone or...
- Okay.
All right. The service ain't
what it used to be either, I tell you.
It's Sabrina. Byron...
You need to go on
Maury for him, girl.
For real, dawg.
It's hot as hell in this Cadillac
and I don't have no air conditioner.
What do you wanna eat?
I want a ham and egg
and a cheese biscuit, okay? Heller!
We're out of ham.
You out of ham?
Okay. All right. Fine, fine.
Then give me an egg and cheese biscuit.
We're out of egg.
You're out of egg? You're just...
Fine! Then just give me a damn biscuit.
It's 10:31, ma'am,
and we just stopped serving breakfast.
Hold the hell on. I've been sitting here
for 15 minutes waiting on your... No, honey.
No, no, no. I don't care. I want breakfast.
You want something else
like lunch or something?
Ain't nobody say nothing about no lunch.
I don't want no lunch. I want breakfast.
- Breakfast ended at 10:30...
- Oh, hell no.
Everybody's all screaming around me
or whatever.
- I don't know what you talkin' about.
- Little girl.
I'm about to get carbon peroxide poisoning
in this damn car,
waiting on you to get me my damn food.
This Cadillac is old as hell.
Where's my food at, honey?
We're out of egg, we're out of ham,
and we're out of cheese and biscuit.
So can you get out of line, please?
Where's your manager, honey?
Look, I am the manager.
Now move!
You hear these people, it's crazy! For real!
She got crazy.
What the...
Hell, you ain't got no damn sense.
I told you I want my damn food.
Oh, my God!
I'm taking everything you got.
You act like you ain't got no sense...
Lady, what is wrong with you?
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell's wrong with you?
You're gonna videotape me?
You're gonna videotape me?
I'm taking it out.
I'm trying to be patient, I don't
know what the hell's wrong with y'all.
Old people, y'all act like
y'all ain't got no sense...
- I'm takin' some food...
- Where you at?
...and I'm feeding my fat-ass daughter and
everybody else and see how you like that.
You ain't seen nothing.
I can't wait for you. If you lookin' for me,
my name is Cora Simmons., two.
I called everybody.
- Good!
- Yep.
You scared, Shirley?
Ain't no room for fear
when you're this tired.
I don't want nobody screaming
at my funeral.
- Shirley. I don't wanna talk about...
- Come on now.
Listen to me. I can't
tell this to my children.
I want Reverend Jackson
to give an uplifting sermon.
And I don't want you to let my children
fight about anything.
And I want Sister Laura
to sing that song I like,
"Heaven's Waiting for Me."
Will you do that for me?
Yes, I will, baby,
but Shirley,
you're probably gonna outlive us all.
Only God knows.
Well, just in case you do,
...when I die, I don't want no flowers.
- No?
No, I don't want no flowers.
I want y'all to plant marijuana stalks
all around my grave.
- I knew I'd make you smile.
- Go!
Instead of pouring some for the homies,
like the young folks there,
I want y'all to have a
puff, puff, pass, repass.
Just pass them all out. Just pass them.
I wanna say, "Puff, puff, pass, repass."
Put that down!
- I love to hear you laugh.
- God gonna get you.
- No. I...
- Puff, puff, pass...
- I want you to start it off. - All that
noise goin' on in here. Hey, Mama.
- Hey. Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Give me little Byron.
Come here, little Byron.
- Go to Aunt Bam.
- Byron.
Take little Byron. Take that baby.
Smell like a grown man
did it in that diaper.
- Change that baby's diaper.
- Please.
- Get that off of me.
- Okay, Mama.
Let's go upstairs
and change you then, huh?
Get you fresh. Baby, can you hand me
a diaper out the bag?
I am not the nanny. Here.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
All right, Mama. I'm gonna go change him.
Don't you think
you need to be going with him somewhere?
Why? That is not my baby.
I don't like you.
- Excuse me?
- I said I don't like you.
- So?
- Bam, the baby is here.
Well, then I tell you what,
let's do a nursery rhyme for the baby.
Row, row, row your ho
Up and down the street
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
She's just a piece of meat
That's what I don't like about her.
That's why I get high.
That's why I have to stay high.
Tell me again why we're here.
Listen, my mother wanted
all of us to come over, okay?
I have better things to do
than sit at your mama's house.
I mean, I don't know what's worse,
the baby poop or the smell of moth balls,
or that Bam thing.
Listen, baby, will you...
Will you please let me just find out
what's going on first?
After that I will take you home.
How are you gonna take me home?
You ain't got no car.
Every time I come over here,
it's some drama.
You remember your apartment
and your Benz?
Don't you miss it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just like I miss going to jail, right?
And wasn't I right there by your side?
You? But you wasn't in there.
All you gotta do is make one little drop
and get us enough money to get a place.
Instead of spending the night
at my sister's house
and me sneaking up here in your mama's
house in the middle of the night.
Come on, Byron, don't you wanna be
alone with me in our own place?
It's just one drop.
Listen, stop talking about that
kind of stuff around my son.
Boy, he don't know what I'm saying.
- Renee.
- What?
You are not gonna get caught.
Roscoe said you were one of his best guys
when you were slinging.
Come on, Byron.
See, when I first met you, you had heart.
Look, and I got heart!
And I also got a job, too.
And that's enough for us right now.
I'm out of the game.
Look, I love you, Byron, I really do,
but that little 10 an hour you're making
is not taking care of me or you.
I don't wanna talk about this no more.
Okay. Fine.
I told you to go right and you go left.
- Okay.
- I can't stand you sometimes, Harold.
Had you did what I told you to do
we would have been here 15 minutes ago.
- Yeah...
- I told you this boy has to pee.
- Yeah, but he's all right.
- What up, people? What up, Bam?
- I wanna go to the bathroom.
- Hey, baby.
You know where the bathroom is, boy.
Come on.
Wait a minute, that boy is 10 years old
and y'all still taking him to the bathroom?
I told her to stop babying these kids.
What did you say, Harold?
He said he told you
to stop babying these children.
I did not say...
- Shut up, you did.
- I didn't say that...
- Hey, Tammy.
- Why would you... You're a tattletale.
- Calvin!
- Hey, Shirley, how are you?
- Where is Kimberly?
- You know your daughter, she's working,
...but she'll be here.
- Oh, well.
- Harold.
- Shirley.
It's so good to see my two fine son-in-laws!
- Yes, ma'am. - Wait a minute,
I only see one fine one, hon.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Aunt Bam.
Child, I don't smoke that much, shut up.
Don't turn that...
Don't... Leave that alone.
Thank you very much.
You didn't hear me say don't touch?
Harold, you better get your child.
H.J., stop that now,
you see grown folks talking now.
See this? Look at this right here.
I tell you what...
- Bam, don't kill him! Don't kill him!
- Sit down.
Touch it again.
Don't kill him, Aunt Bam!
Look, Harold can let that child act like
he wants to if they want to.
Oh, I got another one, honey.
Touch it again. Touch it.
Touch it, Shaka Zulu. Touch it.
- Harold, you don't see this?
- He's just a kid.
- You know these new kids, they do...
- Shut up!
He's a kid that needs to know
who the parents are, Harold.
What do you expect, Aunt Bam?
They let these kids run around
like they have no home training at all.
That's why I don't allow my son
around these children.
- What did she just say?
- Tammy, calm down.
She said she don't want her children
around your children
'cause your children act like fools.
They look like fools, they dress like fools.
- Look at them, they're just foolish.
- Thank you.
I know you're not talking about my children.
My boys that I'm raising?
She punked you. You look like a sucker.
This is why I didn't even wanna
come over here to begin with.
Girl, you barely spend time
with Mama anyway.
Being here ain't gonna kill you.
Come on, girls, now calm down.
Why are y'all
blowing up my phone up anyway?
Wait a minute,
your mama told me to call y'all over here.
- For what?
- I just wanted to see you, that's all.
Mama, you know I got things to do.
Well, at least stay
and have dinner with me. Please?
- Please?
- In the middle of the week?
It's bad enough we do this on Sundays.
when was the last Sunday
that you came over here not to eat with us?
I'm sorry, I must not have been here.
What year was that?
You don't remember either, do you?
That's it.
Mama, I don't like you begging her.
Come on in the kitchen
and help me get this food together,
I need somebody to go into the garage
and get the ice.
- Me.
- I'll do it.
Hey. Hey, wait for me.
Don't y'all leave me...
What am I supposed to do with it?
I don't know, hold it?
Sit... Don't play with me.
Sit down, baby, and hold the baby
over there. They'll be back, trick.
- What?
- You heard what I said, broad.
I don't stutter.
Touch the TV. Touch it!
I don't like none of you.
You make me sick, all y'all.
- Man, I'm so glad to be out of the house.
- Got it, Calvin?
- Ain't that right?
- I'll tell you what,
this ice is warmer
than your sister Tammy any day.
Hey, hey, hey. You better calm down.
Look, man,
I know it's your sister and I'm sorry,
but sometimes, man, she makes me so...
You better be quiet.
You know she can hear you.
Y'all be playing, but she can
really hear like that. I mean, like a dog.
What is wrong with your sisters, Byron?
Man, what is wrong with women period?
Sabrina, for instance, right?
Man, that girl know
I only make $1,000 a month.
And I still send her 300.
- Three hundred?
- Man, the girl still ain't satisfied.
As soon as I give her the money
you know what she wants to tell me?
- What she say?
- "Wait a minute! Hold up!
"Hold up! That ain't enough!"
Got the weave and all.
"That ain't enough! I need more!"
- So you know what I do?
- What do you do?
I give her more.
But then, look, the next time I see her
she's in some new clothes.
Why don't you just start buying
the baby stuff and give it to her yourself?
I tried that. All she do
is take the clothes back and get the money.
- What?
- Yeah.
No, no, young buck.
You got to take the tags off the clothes.
What, did you think I didn't do that?
I did that, too.
Then she takes the clothes and tries to
sell them to everybody in the neighborhood.
I am telling y'all, man, she's crazy.
I just... I just want my son to know
that I'm out here doing the right thing.
But she's telling everybody
something different, you know?
Man, what am I supposed to do?
You got to keep Peter in the gate,
you understand me?
Wait, wait, wait. Hold up.
I know you ain't talking.
Yeah, you ought to think about
that next time you and Tammy
decide to have some more
of them little demon seeds y'all got.
- Demon seeds?
- Yeah, you.
My kids ain't bad like that.
Look, man, your kids are out of control.
You got to do better.
Well, she won't let me discipline them.
She won't!
And after a while I just stopped.
Look, I don't know what's wrong with her.
We argue all the time,
every time I turn around,
I was trying to do something,
she's just driving me crazy!
I'm dealing with the same thing
with Kimberly.
She's always mad.
I don't know what to do with her.
And it seems like the longer
that we're married, the worse it gets.
You know what, maybe her and Tammy are
going through menopause or something.
No, it ain't no menopause. Tammy...
Tammy was like that when we first met.
As soon as we got together
she was yelling at me.
- What?
- And you still married her.
Yeah. But it's worse now.
'Cause now she won't look at me, I can't
touch her, I can't even come near her,
and we ain't had sex in over a year.
Oh, Lord Jesus, please kill the visuals.
I'm bound up.
Why do it sound like
both of y'all in prison?
I'd get more love in prison.
Coming home to a house that you're paying
for, and there's no peace, is prison.
I don't know
how much longer I can take this.
- So what are you saying, man?
- Something's got to give.
- Well, do you love my sister?
- Yeah.
- All right, man.
- Sometimes that's not enough, Byron.
I hear you on that, but, dawg,
you ain't got but six years in.
Next week it will be 17 years for us.
- You know what, something's got to give.
- Yeah.
- You know, we need to hang out more.
- We need to talk on the phone
...and support group or something.
- We need to go to a strip club.
Wait, wait, wait, now,
hold up, hold up, hold up.
Before y'all both go jumping
into the deep end,
I know my sisters, all right?
All y'all got to do is just
do something nice for them.
Calvin, why did you take Kim
to one of them fly spots, man?
Nice restaurant, let her relax a little bit.
And Harold, find my sister a nice
anniversary gift or something like that.
Anniversary gift?
Like what? What you think, though?
I don't know. Some flowers, something.
Okay. Okay, I'm gonna try that.
I can't believe
I'm taking advice from an 18-year-old.
Hey, hey, I know something
about them ladies. You see how I do.
I got two fighting over me right now.
Yes, you do.
Hey, y'all smell that?
That's weed.
Aunt Bam. What are you doing?
What? I'm hunting wabbits.
What the hell y'all think I'm doing?
- Byron?
- Yes, ma'am.
I think your baby mama's about to kill
your girlfriend.
What? Baby mama?
Yeah. Sounds like she got her
in a choke hold.
- All right, Byron, you better get...
- No...
- No, no, no, no!
- Byron.
Byron, how you gonna disrespect me by
having one of your tricks holding my baby?
Listen, we ain't together, okay?
You know what, where my money at, Byron?
Who are you calling a trick, retard?
Byron, you told her
about my IQ test scores?
For real? That's how you feel it?
- What are you talking about?
- You make me sick.
You so ugly with your yellow self,
and you, start with me.
Go ahead, start with me. Jump, frog, jump.
You know what, Shirley, I know
you wanted me to come to this dinner,
but I really can't do this. I can't have
my baby around this trash, I got to go.
I really wanted you to stay for dinner.
No, Ms. Shirley, no. No, ma'am,
no ham, no turkey. Just let me go.
I already had a rough day at work
with some crazy old woman
that needs to be in jail, for real, though.
Speaking of jail,
I hear you're back on the streets, Byron.
- What?
- Selling dope.
You know what I'm talking about.
I wish.
Mama, she's lying.
Well, then the whole block is lying,
Ms. Shirley.
Don't listen to her, okay?
Look, she just wants you to be mad at me,
that's all.
I just wanna know if I can get a dime bag.
Oh, God, I got to check on my biscuits,
see if my...
Oh, my God, what I got a lie for, Byron?
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Girl... I swear to God!
Keep playing with me.
I'll have 5-O on your ass in 2.5 seconds.
I want my money.
How are you gonna give
this chick all this money
but you can't even give me
$300 for your son?
You're a trifling ass father, Byron.
- Stop. Stop it.
- You was a trifling ass father, Byron.
Listen. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey. Shut up! Be quiet!
- Shut the hell up.
- Please, thank you.
You know I give you money every month.
Oh, my God, I'm so happy that I got
this little job at this little burger joint,
because it looks like I'm gonna have to be
the man of this relationship, too.
We? Us? We ain't in no relationship. At all.
Never. Ever.
Boy, you know you want all this,
this almondy stuff.
Listen, can I get that dime bag, though?
- Aunt Bam...
- Oh, my God.
I gotta get out of here. Let me go.
Come on. Your father don't want you.
But it's all right.
We're gonna be all right. Excuse me.
- "Father," with a "V"?
- Yeah.
- "Faver," mother...
- Watch your mouth.
- Excuse me.
- Okay. Keep it walking.
I did the best I could to raise you
and you're gonna do this again?
Mama, the girl is lying.
You are gonna go back to jail.
What is wrong with you, boy?
- Ever since your father died...
- Look, Mama, she's lying.
Look, if you don't believe me,
then I might as well go out here and do it.
That's if you believe her.
Mama, I'm not selling no dope.
Mama, look at me.
I'm not doing nothing.
I wouldn't keep no secrets from you.
Just like you wouldn't
keep no secrets from me.
I get it.
You can believe it if you want to.
We out.
Shirley, look, look, look.
Look, look, look, look.
Quick, look, look, look.
Mother, we're leaving, too.
I have to pick up my son from daycare.
Mama wants to have dinner with you.
I don't get...
You have dinner with her.
I'm sure there's enough for you
and your herd.
Girl, I will stump a mud hole your skinny, bougie...
- A mud...
- Honey...
- Don't touch me, Calvin.
I'm sorry, Ms. Shirley. See ya.
- Aunt Bam.
- All right.
Jiggle, jiggle, pull 'em apart.
You ain't had that happen in a long time,
have you?
No, but... Tammy.
Bye, Calvin.
I feel sorry for you
that you have to go home with that.
What's a mud hole? What is it?
Aunt Bam, you're too high.
I would love to see that, I tell you.
Harold, H.J., Will, come on.
Well, that went nice.
When am I gonna tell them
with them behaving that way?
Shirley, listen, I don't know,
we'll figure something out, baby, please.
But I want 'em all
together so I can tell 'em.
You're gonna ruin my high, honey.
You're gonna ruin it. You're gonna ruin it.
I know you wanna tell 'em.
Hey, y'all, Mama wants y'all...
She's gonna tell y'all something.
Bam, you need to stop all that smoking.
You need to smoke something.
We've been arguing...
- Shut the hell up.
- All right.
Now wait a second. All right? All right?
Okay. All of you be quiet.
Because I can tell the truth right here.
We've got the results right here.
In the case of Baby DeShawn,
neither of you are the father.
Lord, I knowed it, I knowed it.
I knowed that wasn't the daddy.
Mabel, get your big ass out the way.
You know it's fit for television.
That is trifling as hell.
How the hell she had all of them men
if she don't even know
who the baby daddy is?
You know who that remind me of? You.
You know you was a ho back in the day.
Yes, indeed.
But you know, look here, that boy,
he didn't even know that wasn't his baby.
Been paying child support 18 years.
Giving, two, three, four hundred dollars.
Four hundred dollars
he's giving that girl a month.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna start a company.
For every baby daddy who has been through
some trouble with baby mamas.
I'm gonna call it, "1-800-Choke-That-Ho."
How about 1-800-Choke-That-Ho?
That's a rap song, Mabel.
Joe, shut up. Just shut up.
Mabel! Mabel! Mabel! Mabel!
I'm right here, jackass!
Mabel, I went to the doctor,
and they say I'm dying.
Mr. Brown, you are not dying.
You had a colonoscopy
and they found a growth
and they wanted to
remove it and do a biopsy.
See, they wanna do a biopsy on me.
That means I'm dying.
They found a growth?
- Yes.
- Yes.
You had to go to the
doctor to find that out?
Hell, I'm looking at a growth
coming out of your shoes.
That's a good one, Mabel.
I see the growth, too.
Y'all laughing, but I
think I got the cancer.
You are the cancer!
Mabel, can you do something for me, baby?
- Yes. Yes.
- Do one thing for me.
Can you just hold me one more time?
- Madea! Madea!
- I can't see.
Don't get up on me, touching me like that.
You didn't have to do that, Madea.
Mabel, you got big old man hands.
And you don't have a big old man nothing.
That's a good one, baby.
You on a roll, girl. You on a roll.
What did the veterinarian say?
That girl said "the vet." She say "the vet."
You is funny. You are the next Lenny Bruce.
You funny. You funny.
Madea, that is not funny.
What did the veterinarian say?
I'm sorry. Okay.
It's not funny.
Y'all laughing, but I think I see the light.
I see the light, too.
Hell, all them colors you got on,
you are the light.
Taste the rainbow.
You look like a pack of Skittles.
MC Lyte, Crayola light,
Budweiser Light, jackass light.
I know, I know it wasn't good, but I got it.
Madea, Uncle Joe, don't do that.
That is not nice.
Just say something nice to him for once.
I will say something nice to him for once.
Something nice to you for once.
When I'm gone, they'll appreciate me.
All right, don't even worry about it.
You gonna be all right. You gonna be...
- I am?
- Yes, Brown.
Lots of people done had
to have colonoscopies.
You're supposed to get that done
when you get to be a certain age, anyway.
You're gonna be all right.
It's good to get your rooter checked.
That's all right, Brown. That's all right,
Brown. You're gonna be fine.
All dogs go to heaven.
So, I know they have room for silverbacks.
That is so mean, Uncle Joe.
- Madea.
- He is silverback, too.
He's just...
Hey, y'all. Joe! Madea, Mabel.
Hey, Bam.
Hey, Cora. Hey, Brown.
Hey, Bam.
Bam, did they tell you I'm dying?
That's good to hear.
- What?
- Aunt Bam, he said he's dying.
Oh, sorry.
Help me.
What brings you by here, honey?
Shirley and her kids.
How's she doing?
Not good. Not good at all.
Help me. Help me.
You need to help her with her kids.
- No, child. No, no, no.
- They out of control.
I don't know why folks
wanna run to the elders
after their children get out of control,
when the elders be telling them all along
y'all need to get these children straight.
Now that they're grown and out of control,
they want some help from us.
I'm sorry, honey. We have
two different styles of raising children.
She like to pray, I like to punch.
We can't do that.
She's my favorite niece and all,
but no, child,
I'm not fittin' to get into that. No.
Help me.
Abort, abort. Evacuate. Abort, evacuate.
- What?
- Mabel, she needs your help, honey.
Can't nobody bring
a family together like you can.
And can't nobody eat a steak like you can.
And can't nobody do me like Jesus.
Help me. Help me.
Help me. Help me, please.
Somebody. Somebody, anybody...
- Joe, what's wrong with you?
- Somebody help me.
What is wrong with you, fool?
Y'all don't hear that?
- Hear what?
- Hear what?
That's the floor. It's talking. Listen.
Help me.
It's saying that 'cause it got all y'all
big asses standing on that floor.
- That's them.
- Joe.
It's the truth.
Them floor joints is screaming...
- They're screaming like...
- Shut the hell up, Joe, shut up.
Don't shake like that, Mabel.
Hell, all that cellulite,
and look like you got hail damage
all over your legs when you shake.
Don't do that.
These stretch marks
is a road map to heaven.
You follow this GPS, it's gonna take you
somewhere you ain't never been before.
Your stretch marks about to make me...
I got to throw up.
You about to throw up
that cancer in your back.
Get it all out, get it
all out, let him use you.
Mabel, please. Please help Shirley.
Does Shirley know you're over here?
Well, she'll be fine with it.
She'll be fine with it.
Give me all their addresses and I will
go by there and try to help them.
Thank you. Yes!
- You ain't gonna hold me...
- Just shut the hell up!
What the hell's wrong with you, Brown?
Talking about somebody...
Don't nobody wanna hold you here.
Your mama didn't even wanna hold you
when you was born.
I don't know what the hell
you always got something.
You working on my damn nerves.
Hold on. Joe, your bookie on the phone.
I'll be damned if I come up in there
on that floor.
That floor getting ready to cave in.
The termites are saying, "Evacuate, run.
Everybody, man your battle stations.
"Get out, get out. It's..."
Come get the phone.
Whoever that is, they're gonna have
to call me back, 'cause I ain't stupid.
If I walk up in there,
that floor is gonna just go.
'Cause I'm the feather
that will break the camel's back,
'cause y'all killing that camel.
All them joints is about to snap.
The termites getting ready to run
from out of here, they're saying,
"Evacuate! Abort! Abort!"
The termites screaming, "Abort, abort!
"Because these fat asses are gonna fall
through the roof."
- What?
- Shut up, fool. Shut up.
Shut up.
How's it looking, Doctor?
I'm sorry.
No need to be sorry.
Is there anything I can do?
How long do I have?
Four, maybe six weeks.
And if we continue with the chemo,
maybe longer.
Well, thank God for the days I have had.
You're the most amazing patient
I've ever had, Ms. Shirley.
Always smiling.
Always seeing the bright side.
Well, living for God is the bright side.
And, Doctor,
God bless you for all your help.
I brought you these brownies.
Bam loves these.
Thank you.
And don't be so sad.
I'm going to be fine.
Calvin, I asked you to watch him.
C.J., why would you drop that
when I told you not to?
Don't do that again, okay?
No more. Play with this. Here.
C.J., are you okay? Are you okay?
You gonna be all right.
Don't baby him while I'm talking to him.
He needs to learn.
To learn what? He's 18 months, Kimberly.
- I hate it when you do that,
Calvin, I hate it. - He's a baby.
And he's gonna end up
just like Tammy's kids.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
You show me no respect,
do you know that? None.
Babe, listen, I do show you respect.
But you're wrong and you shouldn't
be yelling at him like that.
Like the way you yell at your family.
I mean, what is up with that?
What's going on with you and your sister?
I don't wanna talk about her.
No, no. Something goes on every time
you're around your family.
Drop it.
I'm getting really tired of this, Kimberly.
Really tired.
Well, that makes two of us.
I think we need to see a marriage counselor.
I'm not going to any counselor.
So you're not interested
in trying to fix this.
Fix what? Tell me, what's broken?
Well, I guess if you don't know,
then we don't need to see one.
Who left these dishes in the sink?
No, I didn't. Daddy left them.
Oh, you wait until he gets home.
You're gonna get it for lying on Daddy.
You better shut up.
I'm not a maid, you know.
You look like one.
Come wash these plates, H.J.,
and I'm not playing.
I don't feel like washing them plates.
Tammy, leave me alone.
- Boy, I could hurt you sometimes.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Daddy's right. You nag too much.
- He said that?
- Yeah.
He said you don't cook right,
it be burnt all the time.
- Hey, man.
- What's up, punk-ass?
Did you bring me something home?
- Did you do your homework?
- No, fool.
Then I didn't bring you nothing home.
- Where's your mom?
- In her skin.
When you jump out, she jump in.
- Move! You shut it.
- Damn.
Tammy, it's our anniversary, baby.
Good God.
Happy anniversary, baby.
You think I want some flowers you just
picked up on the side of the road?
Ain't no thought put into that, Harold.
"Happy anniversary."
Why would I wanna spend
an anniversary with you?
There's nothing happy about the years
we've been together.
Tammy, I'm trying.
Yeah, I'm trying, too.
I'm trying to get the hell away from you.
And why'd you leave those dishes
in the sink there before you left?
What? I didn't leave no plates.
And you told our sons that I nag too much?
- Tammy.
- Shut up, I'm talking.
- But, I...
- I don't know why in the hell
after I go to work all day
I got to come home and clean up after you.
Tammy, you need to have these boys
help you clean up around here.
Didn't I tell you I was talking?
Okay? What is wrong with you?
Am I allowed to answer that?
That is a question, Harold.
Never mind. Just leave me the hell alone.
Will you at least take the flowers?
- Oh, my God, it just cut me.
- Let me see.
See? See? See? See?
That's what it is. That's what it is.
What did I do to you?
Don't start all that whining.
Look, I just want us
to spend some time together.
No, I'm going to bed.
Keep your stuff in your pants. Good night.
I don't wanna hear your voice.
Shut up.
Happy anniversary, Tammy.
Boy, open the door.
People looking out their windows.
"Be quiet."
You always trying to tell me to be quiet.
I swear,
you're getting on my nerves with that.
What? Are you serious?
You really have me sneaking
...through your mother's house again.
- Stop! Stop! Stop!
I don't like this. Let my hand go.
- Girl...
- What?
You better hush your mouth.
Take me to a hotel with your cheap ass.
- I ain't got no money for no hotel.
- Of course you don't.
You don't have money for a hotel,
to buy me shoes
...or anything else for that matter.
- Be quiet!
- You're getting on my damn nerves.
- Stop it.
Why you got to... Pain in the ass.
Shut up.
- It stinks in here.
- Be quiet.
Look, do you love me?
Yes, I guess.
All right then. Stick with me.
You work at a warehouse.
What am I supposed to do with that?
I don't know. How about you get a job?
If I got to get a J-A-B,
you ain't getting N-U-N.
Yes, you heard me.
See, when I first met you,
I told you that I needed to be kept.
You're not keeping me.
- Look, Renee.
- What? It's just one drop. I don't get it.
No. The answer's no.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Look, how about you be quiet
before you wake my mama up.
You're so worried about me
waking your mama up,
look like the police are about to.
Oh, this is so ghetto.
- Byron Watkins?
- Yeah.
Put your hands behind your back.
We have a warrant for your arrest.
- For what?
- What is he getting arrested for?
- What is going on?
- What did I do?
- Come with us, sir.
- Mama, I didn't do nothing, okay?
- Ma'am, please, step back inside the house.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Officers, wait a minute.
- He don't even sell drugs no more.
- Oh, hush up about all them drugs.
What are you doing here?
Hi. I've been calling you.
Mother, what are you doing here this late?
How did you get here?
On the bus.
The bus?
Mama, there are no buses
in this neighborhood.
Well, I rode it as close as I could get,
then I walked the rest of the way.
What's going on?
- Byron was arrested.
- Again?
Yes, and I need bail money for him.
No. Mama, I'm not giving you any money.
If Byron wants to walk around here
selling dope, I can't stop him.
He was not selling dope.
Then what was he arrested for?
I don't know, but it wasn't that.
How do you know, Mama?
I looked into his eyes. A mother knows.
A mother knows.
Mama, I'm sorry,
but I'm not giving you any money.
Just use my house, then, as collateral.
It's already paid for.
Yes, it is, but I just paid it off again.
Do you remember all the debt
from the second mortgage
and getting him the lawyer the last time?
- He is not lying.
- He was before.
- Ms. Shirley.
- Go back to bed, Calvin.
Ms. Shirley, come on inside.
What are you doing outside?
- I was just...
- Money.
Byron got arrested and she wants money.
I'm sorry. How did you get here?
On the bus. Can you help...
Look, Mama,
I told you I'm not giving you any money.
- Kimberly.
- Stay out of this, Calvin.
Let me put some clothes on.
We'll go down there and bail him out.
Oh, really, with what?
Gosh, you are just going to disrespect me
and my wishes again?
That's your mother, girl.
What are you going to do,
let her walk home?
Well, she did find a way to get here.
I'm sure she can find her way back.
You are something else.
I don't know why she treats me that way.
I'm sorry, Ms. Shirley.
All I've ever tried to do was love her,
you know.
Oh, it's okay. Don't
cry, don't cry. It's okay.
I'm just tired, Calvin.
I'm just so tired.
- Cora, I don't wanna go.
- Mr. Brown...
Cora, you can't make me go, no way.
All right, Mr. Brown, listen, we're going
to make you as comfortable as we can.
Cora, you don't have to let him
do this to me.
You're gonna be all right, Mr. Brown.
I ain't gonna be all right.
You go in there and they tell you
it's gonna be all right, wake up dead.
- Oh, no...
Y'all kill people in here.
Have anybody ever died in here?
- Exactly. Cora, don't do this
to me, please! - Calm down, Mr. Brown.
- Cora, tell Madea... Tell Madea I love her.
- I will.
- Okay, Cora, tell Madea I'm gonna miss her.
- All right, Mr. Brown.
- Please, Cora, pray for your daddy.
- I will, Mr. Brown.
- Pray for your daddy.
- I'm praying for you now.
- Don't let him do... Pray for your daddy.
- I'm praying for you.
Pray for your dad
I'm praying.
Pray for your daddy
- Cora, pray. Sing it.
- I'm praying.
Pray for your daddy
Bam, this is what I don't understand.
When did you start going to church?
Look, I had to go to church.
Bam, back in the day
we used to share the dime.
We used to steal, kill, rob and stab
and now you run to the church house.
Yes, I had to.
Child, I ran up in that church house...
Stop that lying.
What? I ain't even told you the whole
story yet.
You done told three lies
just that quick, talking about "I ran up."
You're lying.
You ain't run up nowhere.
Look, everybody need run up in here
from this house.
These people, they're just a
mess up in here. It's just awful.
I got about $200 I can let y'all borrow.
About $200, I'll go down there
and put it on his book
or give y'all for bail,
but you can't get it till the 1st.
Can't get it till the 1st?
Got to get it on the 1st.
Well, we need it today, but it's okay.
It's all right.
We'll take what we can get, hon.
But I was just hoping that Kimberly
would just give it all to her.
That thing's still mean as hell, ain't she?
Mean as a junkyard dog.
And listen, Tammy's boys are out of control.
Way out of control.
- Really?
- Just misbehaving.
- Just awful.
- I need to meet them.
Byron's baby mama.
She's just ghetto. Real ghetto.
And then her voice just drives you crazy.
I don't know why she be doing
all that whining and carrying on.
She's just crazy.
I told Shirley, I said, "Let me talk
to them children," long, long time ago.
She saying,
"No, I'm just gonna pray for them."
The Bible say, "Faith without work is dead."
You got to do more than just pray
for them children, don't you?
- You do.
- You got to knock the hell out of them.
- That's what you got to do.
- The Christians...
The Christians need to know that.
That's right. From the top, from the top.
- Ding, there's the Lord.
- Yes. Yes.
- Hey, Shirley. What is you doing, girl?
- Hey, Madea.
- Get on here and sit down.
- What are you doing here?
- How you been?
- Oh, fair to middling.
Fair to middling.
Bam told you, didn't she?
She got you $200 that she's gonna
bring by on the 1st. Is it 1st?
On the 1st. On the 1st.
- On the 1st?
- 'Cause I won't have it till the 1st.
But what did Kimberly say?
Well, did she give you some money for him?
No. She won't even let me borrow
on my own house.
Well, I called Harold and Tammy.
- They ain't got money.
- You're right. They ain't got money.
No, nothing.
Don't you get all worked up
about this, Shirley.
- Don't you do it. Don't you do it.
- Oh, Lord, my children.
That's all right, honey. You done raised
them children the best you can.
Let me tell you something,
parents shouldn't be putting themselves
on no guilt trip
after you done raised the child.
That's what they were supposed...
You're supposed to raise that child.
You get them to a place where they grown
and get the hell out
and take care of their own damn self.
That's what the children need to do.
You done did that.
That's your responsibility.
You did the best you could.
Don't get worked up about no damn child.
Hell, no. You did the best you could.
- Didn't you do the best you could?
- Yeah.
Then that's all that matters.
I know, I know. But I just feel, you know.
I feel like you need to let that go.
Well, anyway, we couldn't get him out.
They wouldn't tell us anything.
They wouldn't even tell us
what he was arrested for.
That what the po-po do.
They don't tell you nothing.
Calvin is going to go back down there
with one of his lawyer friends.
- Oh, oh. Did you call Byron's job?
- Yeah. I called them bastards.
- What did they say?
- They got rid of him.
- They're bastards. They're bastards.
- I hate that. I hate it.
Bam, you know, I need to tell him.
I'm so tired. I'm running out of time.
Why don't you just let me call them?
No, no. I don't want you to call.
I wanna tell them.
I want them to all be together
and I wanna tell them at the same time.
I wanna sit down at a nice dinner
and then I'm gonna tell them.
You've been saying that you want
to tell them at the same time,
you wanna have dinner...
Bam, I understand that.
You want all your children
so they can comfort each other, Bam,
when she tells them the bad news.
That's all right, honey. That's all right.
But, Shirley, let me help you
get these children over here.
- Oh, please.
- Can I help you?
They will be here at dinner at 6:00.
Have dinner ready.
- Today?
- Today. That's right.
How are you going to get them over here?
See, y'all Christians is something.
Y'all gonna pull out that Bible,
but y'all don't know which prescripture
to use for which situation.
You've got to find the right prescripture.
There's a prescripture that says,
"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so."
- Yeah.
- Have you been redeemed by the Lord?
- Yes.
- That's right.
So if you've been redeemed by the Lord
and somebody does something to you
that you don't like, even your kids,
you can beat the hell out of them
and just say, "So?"
So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna beat the hell out of them
and say, "So?"
And I'm gonna bring them over here
'cause you've been redeemed. I am.
You know what?
- It makes sense, don't it? God is good.
- It makes sense.
Hallelujer. Hallelujer.
- Halleluiah.
- Hallelujer!
- Thanks, man.
- That's what family's for.
- You okay?
- Yeah, man.
I just got to get to
work, though, that's all.
- Come on, I'll drop you off.
- Byron! Byron!
Just keep walking.
- So how was your night in jail, Byron?
- Just keep walking.
I've been waiting for them to bail you out.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, Sabrina.
You better get to work.
You gonna lose that little job.
You know what? You damn right.
'Cause that mean
you won't be getting nothing no more.
I bet I will.
- Byron, come on.
- No, no. No, hold on.
Sabrina, come on.
What are you messing with me for, huh?
I'm trying.
Then what, you're gonna throw me in jail
over some back child support?
Where that little trick Renee at?
Come on, you gotta get to work.
Work? He ain't really working.
He's gonna lose that little job anyway.
Then he's gonna be back on the streets,
selling dope,
and I better have my money then.
- Come on...
- Let's go.
Bye. Byron...
I can't take it no more, man.
Look, I got to deal with Renee on one ear,
I got to deal with Sabrina on the other.
Byron, listen, don't let these girls
get you crossed up.
You got to think about your son.
You're doing good, man. You hear me?
- Just stay straight.
- I'm trying, man.
Throw your hands up.
Hey, Harold.
Hey, Ms. Madea. All right,
what's wrong with your car now?
- For real?
- Nothing's wrong with it at all,
except the other day I went out there
and put my foot on the gas
and the trunk opened.
What the hell is that, Harold?
You are trifling as hell.
I'm so tired of bringing my damn car
up in here for you to fix.
I am not bringing it to you no more.
Do you understand?
Not ever again.
Every time I go out there in the morning
I try to start my car,
do you know what happens?
Do you know what happens, Harold?
It don't start. I have to pray.
You know God don't like me.
You know he don't like me.
All the hell I did in my lifetime,
you know he don't like me at all, hell.
- All right. Let me handle this.
- No, sit down.
Do what you do best. Sit down.
Just stay right where...
Just plant your ass
right there in that chair.
Every time I come here,
you're sitting in that chair.
People waiting on their car,
you're sitting in that chair.
You're supposed to be changing oil,
you're sitting in that chair.
You're supposed to be changing
the windshield wiper blade,
you're sitting in that chair.
Supposed to wash a car,
you're sitting in that chair.
Let me tell you something,
when you die, tell them people
to bury you on your stomach
to give your ass a break.
Where is your wife?
In here, Madea.
- Oh, hey, Tammy. How you doing?
- Hi, Madea.
I don't know how you married
that bastard, Lord.
I ain't seen your kids
since they were five years old.
What you been feeding
that big pumpkin over there?
Look like he been eating hay.
And you look like
you've been eating at the zoo.
H. J...
Oh, it's like that. He's just going...
- I would... I'm just...
- What brings you by, Madea?
- Is your car acting up?
- My car is fine.
Oh, okay.
Your mother told me to come over
and be nice to all the children.
She said she's having a dinter
tonight at 6:00,
and she want all of y'all
to come over and eat.
We were just over there. What's going on?
Nothing. She wants to see all of y'all.
Me and Harold can't loan her
no more money, Madea.
I mean, we're struggling.
Child, I know you're struggling.
I'm looking at the top of your head.
I see struggle written all over
that new growth.
It is like a miracle just spelling it out
across the top of your head.
Your mama want all of y'all
to come over there.
Now, that's all I'm supposed to say.
Y'all be there, bring the kids...
- I ain't going.
- You ain't going?
Yes, you are.
I said, I ain't going, Tammy.
Okay. You're gonna let them
talk to you like that, Tammy?
Don't worry, Madea. He's just a kid.
Just kids end up being just adults
who are in just damn jail.
Don't let no child talk to you like that,
Tammy, that's...
Yeah, okay. I have a customer.
Don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be right back.
- Well, go on and deal with that then.
- Okay.
I'm gonna talk to the boys.
What are you looking at, old lady?
Come on... Hey...
Stop hitting me, old lady.
I don't wanna have this conversation
with you again.
Do you understand, son?
I see you learn fast.
Now look here.
You young folks are so damn disrespectful.
You're not gonna disrespect me.
I come from the school where you said,
"Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am."
"Yes, sir. No, sir."
You showed some respect,
or you got your teeth
knocked out of your mouth.
Do you understand me?
I can't stand young folks
sitting around at the bus stop,
got old people sitting there,
they're cussing, pants hanging off.
You're gonna show me some respect.
I got silver hair,
but I also have silver bullets.
Do you want one of them?
Now, when a lady walk here
you say, "Heller." Heller?
- Heller.
- Heller!
- Heller.
- Heller!
You be disrespectful again,
I'm gonna beat your ass.
I'm gonna beat your ass till you ain't gonna
have nothing but legs running up your back.
Do you hear me?
You're just gonna have legs, no more ass.
'Cause I'm gonna beat it.
Do you hear me, boy?
- Thank yer. Thank yer.
- Thank yer.
Good afternoot.
- Good afternoot.
- You're welker.
- You're welker.
- Yes, you sound very proper now.
- I'm going home.
- Goodbye, ma'am.
That's wonderful.
Thought you was going to be slow,
like your daddy.
- Bye, Madea.
- See you later.
Bye-bye, Madea.
Bye, Harold. You maggot.
Why is you face red, H. J?
You constipated?
Where were you, Byron?
- Look, I can explain, all right?
- I'm listening.
Look, I got arrested.
- Listen, listen. It's not
what you think, okay? - Okay.
Just a little back child
support. That was it.
Look, it wasn't even my fault.
Take some responsibility, son.
It is your fault, all right?
Life ain't happening just to you.
Your choices, they have consequences.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Mills, look, I need this job. Please!
You didn't act like you needed this job.
You were supposed to be here at 6:00 a.m.
Look, I'm sorry.
Please! Please! Come on.
Don't do this to me now.
Who's the only person that gave me a shot
when I got out?
Your chances with me, they've run out.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to let you go.
You're fired.
So what am I supposed to do now? Huh?
Take up track.
As a matter of fact, practice now.
Run on up out of here.
Damn, man!
Look, I ain't say nothing about soccer.
Look, you better be glad I'm two classes
away from being baptized.
All y'all get back in
there. Don't get behind.
- Hey, boy.
- Hey, Madea.
Lord, I didn't know where the hell you work.
I done came way over here.
- How you doing?
- I had a long night, okay?
Look, I just got fired.
I just wanna go home.
Yeah, well, we all had a rough night here.
Your mama's having a rough night.
She want all of y'all at her house at 6:00.
She having a dinner over there.
- Mama don't wanna see me.
- Yeah, she do.
Now, be there. I'm telling you,
we're gonna have a nice dinner
and I wanna talk to all y'all,
she's gonna talk to you.
So be there at 6:00.
And if you ain't there,
let me tell you something.
You're gonna wish that the sperm
did a backstroke when it saw the egg
that created you.
Do you understand?
And pull your pants up.
Why the hell you got
your pants on the ground?
I don't know what the hell is wrong
with y'all young boys with these damn pants
hanging down to your knees.
That don't look good. You look like a fool.
That's probably why you got arrested.
You can't run from the police like that.
I want to meet the jackass
that started pulling his pants down
and then everybody started following him.
Why can't you lead
and let everybody follow you?
Pull your damn pants up.
Look like somebody.
It's called swag. Just...
I got your swag.
Somebody looking at your ass
when you walk down the street.
That ain't no damn swag.
Get the hell on out of here.
You better be there at 6:00.
And pull your pants up.
Now this house is sitting
on three acres of land.
So you have plenty of room
if you do plan on having little ones.
And when you come out here,
I mean, it's beautiful.
We have excellent school systems.
On the outside,
we have the cobblestone driveway...
And an infinity pool in the background
that leads into a waterfall.
Also a nice little grilling area in the back
if you ever wanna entertain your guests.
- It's a beautiful home.
- Man, it's so bougie.
We have the wooden...
- We have the marble pillars here.
- I know she didn't just act like
...she didn't see me. Kimberly!
- With all the bordering that you can...
I know you didn't just act like you didn't
see me when I looked through that window.
- Kimberly.
- Madea.
- Yes.
- Hello.
You got clients.
I'm showing a house. Could we speak later?
Ner. I came over here
because I need to talk to you.
Excuse me. This will only take a second.
Just give me a moment, please?
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Madea, this is highly inappropriate.
How did you know I was here?
Because your husband told me
where the hell you were.
I am going to kill him.
Why haven't you returned
my telephone calls?
Because I've been busy.
You ain't been that busy that you can't
return my tetephone calls.
Now, listen, your mama...
No, this is not the time for that, okay?
Girl, don't you interrupt me...
Who the hell...
Look here. I talked to your mama.
Could you lower your voice?
Okay. Excuse me.
Your mama has asked me
to come over to this house
to get all of y'all to come over there
to dinter, okay?
6:00. Have your ass at the table
to give thanks to God for what he's done.
Do you understand me?
Don't make me have to come back
over here to find you.
Because I will drag you out of here
by your two front teeth.
That's all you will get for Christmas.
Do you understand me?
Do you understand
what the hell I am saying to you?
Do you understand the words
that are coming out of my mouth?
- Yes, ma'am. I understand.
- Let me tell you something.
If you are not there, every house...
No, don't look at them.
Don't look at them.
Let me tell you something,
every house you get ready to sell,
I will be in the front window like this.
Do you hear what the hell I am telling you?
Fine. I'll be there.
- I will see you there.
- Okay, all right. Goodbye.
So good to see all of you.
And I hope you enjoy and buy the house.
It's a lovely home.
Upstairs it looks like
it has three bedrooms,
two bathrooms
and everything else that people like.
Okay. Don't touch me.
Don't put your hands on me.
You better go handle your client.
Get the hell away from me.
Don't put your damn hands on me.
Got me coming over here
to this damn neighborhood.
You know I don't have
a driver's license, the first.
How the hell do I get out of
this bougie neighborhood?
- Hello, Ms. Cora.
- Dr. Evans.
- How is he?
- He's okay.
But he's lost a lot of blood.
Really? Is he gonna be okay?
Oh, yes, yes.
But, would you mind giving some blood?
It's always best from a relative.
Sure, sure. I will.
What's your blood type?
I'm really not sure of that.
- Well, come on. We'll find out.
- All right.
Jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, and you know,
all these stretch marks.
What, they look like lightning.
Oh, look at that chicken.
You didn't tell me you was making chicken.
I love your chicken.
Let's bow our heads.
Oh, God.
- Heavenly...
- Byron!
- What is that?
- That's the baby mama from hell.
What are you doing here?
Look, take this baby.
I got somewheres to go.
Look, and I got things to do, too.
Like what, Byron?
Come on. I need to get to the TV station.
What are you talking about? TV...
What are you doing?
Look, you need nots to worry about
what I'm doing, all right.
Hi, Ms. Shirley and everybody.
What's up? Hey, Calvin.
Where that little trick at?
Now, look here. This is a very private
family moment right now, okay?
You got to come back some other time.
Take your child on out of here.
- Don't I know you?
- Don't I know you?
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
You that lady that tried to come up
to my store and drive through my window.
No, I didn't come up, I didn't try, I did,
'cause you ghetto as hell.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Who is she talking to?
Byron, she got the wrong one.
We're having a very private
family moment right here now.
You need to take that little baby
and y'all come on back some other time.
- Now, go on now. Go on.
- Okay, okay.
- Just give me my son, please. All right.
- Yeah.
- Would you get out of here, please?
- Glad to.
But all I know is you better have my money.
Man, she punk, and you look like...
- Grown folks business. Shut the hell up.
- Will you please get out of here?
Glad to.
You know what I know,
if you knew better, you'd do better.
You better have my money. Bye, y'all.
Have a nice day.
- Okay.
- You better lock the door
...before she steals
everything in the kitchen. - Oh, Jesus.
How the hell did you hook up with...
See, young boy, that's what happens
when you hook up with...
Oh, look who finally decided to show up.
I can tell you this,
I thought I was gonna have to go out there
and hunt you down like a rabid dog.
- Well, I made it.
- Yes, you did.
She's so burgie.
Did you tell Madea where I was?
She was trying to find you.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
That's all right.
We'll deal with this when we get home.
- No. No, no...
- All right, let's pray.
Let's deal with this right now.
- I have an announcement to make.
- Calvin!
- No!
- Keep your voice...
Family, I am sick of Kimberly's bull.
Do you think this is funny, Calvin?
- Trouble in paradise.
- Tammy.
You need to get some help,
and if you don't, I'm leaving.
And I'm taking my son with me.
You are not taking
my child anywhere, Calvin.
You think I'm gonna let you
put all this venom in my child?
You are not taking him...
Don't these look good, Shirley?
They sure look good. Y'all wanna eat some?
Yes, it does, yes, it
does. I just wanna eat it.
I can't do this.
I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't sit here
like we're one big happy family
when you know we can't stand each other.
- Kimberly...
- No, Mama.
If you want us to sit here, you eat it.
Kimberly, don't talk to
your mother like that.
Calvin, you better shut the hell up.
I'll talk to my mom
how I wanna talk to my mother.
I'm not gonna tell you again
to show me some damn respect.
- What is wrong with you?
- You're what's wrong with me.
Everybody sitting here, like, playing nice.
This is wrong. This is ridiculous.
Kimberly, I just wanted to have a nice
family dinner, everybody together.
- Why?
- That's all.
Girl, you better act
like you got some sense.
Shut up, Tammy. Nobody's talking to you.
But I'm talking to you.
You are always in my business.
It is so obvious you're jealous.
Jealous of what?
- Kim, stop...
- Shut up, Calvin.
- Tammy, you...
- Shut up, Harold.
What I got to be jealous of?
Tammy, stop it.
No, no. No, no, Shirley,
you need to let this happen.
You need to let this happen and figure out
what the hell is going on
with these children.
Let it happen. Let it
get all out in the open.
Go on and say what you need to say.
Say what you need to say, Tam.
- I wanna hear this.
- Of me.
That's right. I said it. Me.
My family, my husband...
Oh, girl, please.
I don't want anything you got.
But you get rid of what you don't want,
don't you?
Like us.
- Whatever.
- We're your family.
All Mama wanted us to do
was sit down and have dinner,
but you just can't do that.
Why, Kimberly?
Are we too ghetto for you?
You don't eat greens and cornbread
no more?
- Tammy...
- No, Mama.
I need to say this.
I'm not jealous of you.
I'm not the one who got pregnant at 13
and had Mama to raise my child.
- Tammy!
- Say something now.
Kimberly, what is she talking about?
You are too ghetto for me.
And you make me sick.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Now, Calvin.
I need to talk to... Kimberly!
I'm sorry, Mama.
This had to happen, Shirley.
Don't worry about it.
- It had to happen, Shirley. Let's pray.
- Please.
- Come on, honey.
- Kimberly had a baby...
Call on Jesus
Aunt Bam, you used to watch the baby?
Baby, you...
Yeah, I'm still watching the baby.
- You need a joint, baby. Really.
- No, I'm all right.
Mom! Mom!
Tell the pastor I say...
Come on in the room
Mom, you used to watch that baby?
Jesus in my doctor
And he
Writes out all of my scripture
I mean, we're here.
Where he at?
I mean, we're all here as a family, right?
You know...
You should look in the mirror.
So what are y'all trying to say?
Kimberly is my mother?
Talk about don't tell lies.
Keeping secrets.
But you kept one from me.
All right.
I'm out.
- Byron!
- I don't wanna hear it, Aunt Bam.
- Wait a minute.
- Byron!
Excuse me, everybody. Madea, carry on.
Byron, let me talk to you, Son.
Not right now. I don't wanna hear it, Mama.
That wasn't the way to do that.
Shut up, Harold.
Stop talking to this man like that.
You're gonna stop
talking to this man like that.
That's why these children don't have
no respect for the either one of y'all.
Y'all sit there talking to each other
like y'all ain't got no sense.
Get up and go upstairs.
Let me talk to your mommy and daddy.
- Go on.
- Yes, ma'am.
Very good.
Now what was I saying?
Harold, the only reason this woman is talking
to you like that is 'cause you let her.
Don't no woman want no weak, whiny,
wimp running behind her like a wet dog.
Put your foot down.
Stand up and be a man in your house.
That's why your damn children
run around here
act like they ain't go no sense,
talking back,
'cause you won't put your foot down.
The children are watching
the two of y'all disrespect each other,
so they're disrespecting you, too.
Set an example.
You used to love this man.
You used to love him to death.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
He ain't playing football.
Y'all were gonna be together forever.
Remember that?
Running up in here talking about
you getting married
and how much you love him.
Now you done hit that patch in life
you don't know what to do.
Honey, everybody go through that patch.
It's rough. I call it
the traffic jam of life.
It happens between the age of 40 and 50.
That is a rough decade for anybody.
Do you hear me?
Now, I'll tell you why. 'Cause during
that 10 years a few things happen.
One, you go through menopause.
your husband having a midlife crisis.
If you got children, they start acting
like they ain't got no sense at all.
At the same time your parents
are getting sick and dying,
his parents are sick and dying.
You try to take care of them,
take care of your household,
that's enough to stress any marriage
apart, honey.
That's enough to stress it out
and make y'all break up.
That's why you're so angry, honey.
You've got to take some time and deal...
But he just makes me so mad, Madea.
Get on up.
Go in the kitchen and have a conversation.
That wasn't the way to tell that boy
that that's his mama.
That wasn't the way to tell him that at all.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Be a man. Be a man.
She's right.
You got to stop being mean to me, Tammy.
Harold, you got to stop acting like we don't
have any problems, because we do.
And if we don't clear this up, we are...
You got to stop telling me what I got to do.
You're going to stop being mean to me.
You got it?
You got it, Tammy, huh?
I'm sorry.
That's right you're sorry. And...
Sit down. Sit down.
Now, sit your ass down. You heard me.
You heard us...
I mean, you heard me. Sit down.
Yeah. That's right.
It's gonna be a new day around here.
H.J., Will, get in here...
I'm glad I'm here. I got all this straight.
Madea, I'm so glad you're here.
You got all this straight.
- Yes, indeed.
- This is wonderful.
Where are you going?
I love you.
But the way you treat me and C.J.
and your family, I can't take it anymore.
I can't believe you've been hiding
all these secrets from me.
You think I need you? I don't need you.
I was fine before you,
and I'll be fine after.
- Go ahead.
- You need help.
I feel sorry for you.
Go to hell.
You're not taking my son.
- You're not taking him.
- You watch me.
Get back here, Calvin. Don't leave me.
What do you care? You already
got one you left at the doorstep.
Don't take my baby, Calvin.
That's my baby. Don't take him from me.
Don't. Please.
So Kimberly is your mother. Are you okay?
Look, baby, I'm fine.
That is crazy.
Look, I don't wanna talk about that.
- You wanna go to my sister's house? - No.
No. I don't wanna be around all of them.
Well, then where are we going, Byron?
Listen, babe, I'm gonna go holla at Roscoe,
a'ight? I'll make this last little drop.
I gotta do what I gotta do.
I'm so proud of you.
- Hey, yo, my man. Just let
me get a 40. And... - Hey, how you doing?
On the next Maury,
deadbeat dads.
You out there selling drugs,
selling on the corner,
working the block, pumping the strip,
and you can't even give me no money
for your baby?
But it's all right,
'cause we gonna be all right, Byron...
I know I sound like a siren...
But you won't take care of this baby...
- Oh, hell no!
- And there ain't gonna be no maybe...
Damn! Come on. Come on.
We're talking about your son
and whether his father is in his life.
That Byron baby mama
on The Maury Povich Show,
talkin' about that boy. Lord have mercy.
I don't even understand why that girl
would go on that television show
and do that to that boy.
Poor Byron. Lord have mercy.
I got to talk to him.
I need to give him my number.
Does he ever say, "It's not my child"?
- Just ghetto at its best.
- I don't even like this show. Turn it...
Turn it...
Turn it up. Turn it up.
- Yeah, she's nuts.
- Would you call him a deadbeat dad?
- She's crazy. And he crazy to be with her.
- I think I would.
- Cora.
- I'm coming.
Hey, Brown, how's your ass?
- It fine.
- Funky.
What y'all doing sitting here...
What's the matter?
Y'all look mad. What the doctor say?
Some bad news, Brown?
- He's fine.
- Ask her, Cora.
- You ask.
- Ask her.
Madea, who's my daddy?
I knew that was coming.
I knew that was coming.
What are you talking about?
All of the money I gave you
for child support on this child
and you don't even know who her daddy is?
Oh, bastard. You gave me $18 in 18 years.
Shut the hell up. There wasn't no montey.
What y'all talking about?
What you talking about?
Madea, we had blood work
done at the hospital today,
and Dr. Evans said there's no way possible
Mr. Brown could be my daddy.
So I ask you, who is her daddy?
Ya'll need to go on
Maury, too. Call Maury.
The doctor say that?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Who's my daddy, Madea?
If Charlie Brown ain't your dad,
then I don't know who it is.
Madea, how could you not know
who my daddy is?
I hate to tell you this, honey,
but your mama was a ho.
I was a ho.
I put the "H" and the "O" in ho.
- Who's my daddy, Madea?
- Okay, all right. I'm gonna tell you.
Joe, shut up. Don't you say nothing.
Who is it? He can tell me.
Who is it, Uncle Joe?
Now this was before Hilary and after Monica.
- What?
- What?
Bill Clinton is my daddy?
Bill Clinton was not your daddy.
Okay. No, no.
It was before he started that show
with Sybil and J. Anthony on the radio.
I believe that might have been him.
Tom Joyner is your daddy.
Cora, I knew it. I knew it.
- Oh, oh, oh. Ho! Ho! Ho!
- Uncle Joe.
Tom Joyner ain't you dad, hon.
Look, y'all stop asking me
all these questions, honey.
That's your daddy right there.
I'm telling you.
They made a mistake at the hospillar.
That is your daddy.
I'm gonna find out.
Dana'll tell you anything you wanna know.
Call Dana.
- Dana? Who is Dana?
- Yeah, who is Dana?
They both dumb as hell.
You don't know what Dana is?
They've been using Dana
to find people out for years
who the daddy or who the mama, Dana.
And when you kill somebody, the crime,
they use Dana to get
all the evidence on you.
Dumbass. You need to watch
some television sometime.
Learn something.
Jackass don't know what Dana is. Hell.
D-N-A. D-N-A. That's Dana.
Lord, you're so dumb.
- Nobody called no Dana.
- No Dana.
You know what here? That's your daddy.
I don't even want to be bothered
with this no more.
I done told you the truth. You don't like
what the hell I got to say, that's the truth.
I'm sorry.
I know you don't want him to be your daddy,
I didn't want him to be your daddy either.
That was the worst 36 seconds of my life.
Right there sitting next to you.
- I'm out of here.
- You told me a minute.
Girl, he messing with you.
The DNA does not lie.
If you want to find out who the father
of your child is call this number.
- Mama!
- Yes, baby. I'm your mama.
Mama, why are you in here?
I've been sick a long time.
Mama, why didn't you tell us?
I tried to tell all y'all.
Tammy, quit all that crying.
Now, where Kimberly?
We've all been trying to call her.
She won't pick up her phone.
Mama, what's wrong?
I wanted to tell all of y'all together.
I guess that's too late.
I got cancer...
I let it go a long, long while.
I prayed the whole way over here.
I told God if you just
feel a little bit better,
I'll do right.
I don't care who my mother is, all right?
I don't.
Because you're my mother.
I'm gonna do right. But
you gotta get better.
You gotta get better.
You're gonna have to get right on your own.
- I'm dying, baby.
- No.
- I'm so tired.
- No.
Y'all got to get right with Jesus
so I can see you again.
Mama, let's just do
what you taught us to do.
We'll pray that God heals you.
I prayed he'd heal me,
but whether it's on this side or in heaven,
it's all right.
Don't talk like that.
now you look at me. I ain't scared.
You don't feel bad for me.
You feel bad for somebody
that don't know Jesus. Okay?
I'm just going home.
I'm just going home.
Where's Kimberly?
She's not returning my calls.
Tell her I waited on her.
Tell her I love her.
I love all of you.
You got...
You got to be strong.
And all y'all got to come together.
You gonna come together.
- Mama.
- Mama. Mama.
I'll see you tomorrow morning, John.
Thank you.
No, I had to visit my
mother at the hospital.
I'm sure she's okay. Thank you so much.
I'll call you back. All right.
Where were you?
I had things to do. This
is my family, Calvin.
This is not your business.
I called you for hours.
Yeah, I know. I got your message.
What makes you think I would
return you or Tammy's calls?
- Where is my mother?
- She's in 208. Listen...
She died, Kimberly.
She... She died.
Mama. Mama!
No, no, no. Mama, I'm sorry.
Mama, I'm sorry!
I've got to say, if we could
see Sister Shirley up in heaven,
this is what Shirley would say.
Come on, Sister Laura.
Glory to God! Thank you, Father.
We sang it at the funeral.
I don't want to hear, "This is your mommy."
I could've had grandkids.
I don't wanna hear that.
I don't wanna hear that.
At all. Please.
But I just wanna thank ya'll for coming.
- It was a nice service.
- Yes.
- Was it?
- Yes. Yeah.
You should've came, Madea. That nice
dress, you should've came to the funeral.
You know I ain't going to no funeral.
All that noise, that loud singing,
slow walking, working on my nerve, child.
I can't be bothered with that.
People dead, they dead.
I ain't fittin' to be bothered with all
that. All right now. Good to see y'all.
Are you okay?
My mother just died. What do you think?
Look, I'm just trying to be here for you.
Well, I don't want you to be here for me,
- Kimberly.
- No. Please.
Lord have mercy...
See, no, you better get her, Byron.
Hey, stop that. Stop that. Stop that.
Hey, hey, hey. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Lord have mercy. It's always the same thing.
Hey, hey! Shut the hell up!
Sound like a siren.
Come in here and sit. Shut up!
Sit down, you black leprechaun,
looking like you out of a box of
Chocolate Lucky Charms.
Whole family. I'm sick of this.
Now look here.
Your mama was a peaceful woman.
She did not want all this foolishness.
She did the best she could with y'all,
but all of y'all act like
y'all ain't got no sense.
You, little leprechaun.
Let me tell you something...
Stop using that baby to
make this man's life miserable.
That's right.
I didn't ask for no amen from you.
I will punch...
I will punch the hell out of you.
Say something else.
The man don't want you.
He done moved the hell on.
You can't get to what's in front of you,
'cause you're too busy looking
to see what the hell he
doing with this girl. Move on.
Stop or that child will grow up resenting
you for that. Do you hear me?
That is a human being.
That is not some pawn that you can use
to make this man's life miserable.
Stop doing it.
'Cause if I catch you doing it,
I'm gonna beat the hell out of you.
Do you understand? You don't know me.
You don't want none of this.
This is old "whoop your ass."
And old "whoop your ass" is much worse
than new "whoop your ass."
New "whoop your ass" get up off you,
old "whoop your ass" have you in the grave.
Do you want some old "whoop your ass"?
Do you want some old "whoop your ass"?
And you, out there selling dope.
Yeah, she's a snitch.
She told me you out there selling dope,
giving this girl all the money.
Can't give her $20 for some Pampers?
What the hell wrong with you?
A man take care of his baby
without anybody telling him
he need to take care of his baby.
Get a job. Go to work.
Do you understand what I am telling you?
Y'all them young folk, born around the '80s,
something happened to 'em.
Y'all feel like y'all don't have to
work for nothing,
somebody's supposed to hand
something to you,
forgetting that old folks marched
for your dumb ass,
to get you where you can be and to be free.
That dope either gonna lead you to
one of two places:
to the grave or to prison.
Now you've already been to prison.
You ready to go back to jail?
You ready to go to the grave?
Which one you want?
'Cause as soon as you go down,
this one right here
is going to be sold to the highest bidder.
All she looking for is some money.
Say something. I dare you.
I double-D dare you to say something.
I'm gonna tell you right now,
I will be checking in with
this side of the family from time to time.
And y'all better have it together.
You two. You better be F. Lee Bailey,
you better be Johnnie Cochran.
I want to see a settlement.
I want to know
who's going to have the baby,
who gonna pick him up,
who gonna have Pampers,
when you gonna come
and give the child support,
when is the money gonna be there.
You better write it all down.
Do you hear what I'm tellin' you, son?
Your mama did not want ya'll to know this.
- Madea.
- Shut up.
She wanted to keep this hidden from y'all,
but I'm gonna tell y'all.
You arguing and fussing with this girl,
she fussing.
She mad at the world.
Honey, you know why you be so mad?
This child was raped by your uncle
at 12 years old.
Anything that's covered up don't get healed.
That's what's wrong with people.
Keep trying to cover things up,
and covered up. That don't help nobody.
I can't stand nobody sitting around saying,
"What goes on in this house stays in
this house."
Let me explain something to you.
Whatever went on in that house,
if you're getting hurt by it
and it's tearing you up in your adult life,
you need to go get some help.
This man is trying to love you
and you acting like a fool.
Always grouchy and mean.
And the reason you so nasty, honey,
you ain't forgave the man that raped you.
You got to forgive those people, honey.
Not for them, but for you.
If you don't, they take power over you.
Do you hear me?
Forgive him for your own sake.
This man is trying to love you.
Go talk to him, act like you got some sense.
Go on upstairs and talk to the man.
Go on, talk to him.
You know, my mama used to
rock me to sleep in here.
At the hospital,
she told me to tell you that she loved you.
And that she was sorry
and she felt like she failed you.
She said that?
Yeah. Baby, why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know how.
I want to hold you. Can I?
We're going to get some help.
I love you.
I love you. I'm so sorry.
- Baby, I love you.
- I'm so sorry, baby.
Come on, baby, let's go.
Roscoe's waiting for you.
- I'm not doing it.
- You... What?
I'm not doing it.
Byron, we need the money.
Listen, I don't need the money that bad.
All right?
Get some heart, Byron. Damn.
Are you really gonna sit up here
and let that old lady tell you what to do?
- We need the money, Byron.
- Listen to me.
I just buried my mother today and you
wanna come in and you wanna talk...
You know what, move.
Get out, get out.
- Fine. With your broke ass.
- Yeah.
I ain't need you anyway.
I'm so glad you here.
That's right.
They don't even know what to say.
I told you, I told you.
What's wrong with you?
It's nice what you did
for this family, Madea.
- Yes, it is. Praise the Lord.
- It is.
But you can't even do it
for your own daughter.
- Did she just go off on me?
- Sound like she did.
What you talking about, Cora?
My daddy, Madea.
You don't even know who...
That is your daddy,
that silverback standing over there.
Madea... Well, prove it, then. Prove it.
- Prove it, then?
- Yes. Prove it to me.
How the hell I'm supposed
to prove it to you?
Prove it. Yes.
How you doing, Marley Kovitch?
Yeah. Okay. Nice to see you, Mr. Brown.
I know this is very upsetting to you.
- Yes, sir.
- 'Cause after all these years,
you're gonna find out
whether Brown is your father.
All these years,
I just found out he was my daddy.
And now she's trying to say that...
And Cora look just like me.
Tell me she don't look just like me.
- Really?
- Yes. Look at her eyes.
You can't tell me her eyes and her hair...
Well, she didn't comb her hair that day.
But she look just like me, Marley.
So, Cora, when you were growing up,
who did you think your father was?
I didn't know, Maury. I didn't know.
But Mr. Brown always acted like my father,
so it came easy once Madea told me.
When did Madea tell you?
I was, like, 40-something.
- Forty-something?
- Yes.
- Okay, you all have
talked a lot about this. - Yeah.
But we haven't heard from Madea.
And this is what Madea had to say
to my producers.
Brown is a lowdown dirty...
He is a liar, he is a cheater.
He ain't never did
like he was supposed to do for Cora.
He gonna act like he...
He wanted to act like
he done went to the doctor
and found out he ain't the baby daddy.
He is the baby daddy.
And I'm gonna tell you right now, Maury,
I'm gonna tell you right now
I know that's the baby daddy.
'Cause that is the only baby daddy
that I had a baby daddy with.
He is the baby daddy.
If he ain't the baby daddy...
I know he's the baby
daddy 'cause I know...
I know that was the worst
15 seconds of my life.
So I know that's the baby daddy.
You ain't even got to worry about,
'cause I know that was the baby daddy.
Cora ain't got to figure it out.
But when I go up there,
I'm gonna show... I'm gonna say it all.
'Cause he's so damn stupid,
he don't even want nobody
to tell nobody
what the hell he's supposed to do.
But I know that's the baby daddy.
Y'all ain't gotta tell me,
'cause I know that's the baby daddy.
I can't wait till I get up in there.
When I get on that stage,
I'm gonna tell Maury all the truth.
So why don't we just meet her?
Everybody, here's Madea.
Madea, come on out.
Bring her out here, Marley.
Bring her out here, Marley.
- Madea, nice to see you.
- How you doing, Maury?
I've been trying to tell you,
you are the daddy.
You the daddy, you the daddy.
That's your baby. This is your baby.
- That's your baby! That's your baby!
- Madea! Madea!
That's your baby! That's your baby!
- That's your baby!
- Please! Madea, sit down.
- Please, Madea.
- Okay.
Why did you wait until Cora was in her 40s
to tell her who her father was?
That's because she dumb.
- What?
- Rum-dum-di-di dumb.
Say one more thing. Say one more... thing.
- Madea, please.
- You got one more time.
Now, I didn't tell her, I didn't tell her
'cause it wasn't important.
I took care of her.
I gave her everything she needed.
She didn't need to know.
She did not even need to know
who her daddy was.
I'm more interested now in Cora,
and having both of her parents in her life.
- That's right. That's right.
- Yeah.
I don't know why.
Hell, she ain't five years old.
I don't even know why, Cora,
you all got me on this... television.
Acting like you ain't got no...
And I... You said...
I know, Madea, who my...
...say that, Madea. Don't be like that.
Right, this the father. He is the father.
You are the father.
- You are the father. You are the father.
- Okay, now, wait a minute.
You are the father. You are the father.
- You are the father.
- Madea!
- You are the... father.
- Madea!
- Sit out here with all the...
- There's only one way to settle this.
Yeah, let's figure it out.
Bring it on, Maury. Bring it on.
- We're gonna have the answer right here.
- Bring it on.
He the daddy. You the daddy.
You the daddy. You the daddy.
You the daddy. Tell him, tell him, Maury.
Tell him. You are the father.
Tell him, Maury. Tell him.
In the case of
58-year-old Cora Jean Simmons,
Brown, you are not the father.
- Madea!
- Madea, why'd you have to do this to me?
Madea! Don't do that. Don't do that.
Don't embarrass yourself
on my show, Madea.
- Madea, Madea, Madea.
- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!
- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!
- No, no, no.
- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!
- He's not the father.
Call 1-800-Choke-That-Ho. I like that.
I'm a ho, Maury.
I'm just a no-good ho, Maury.
Doc, are those your real eyes
or them contacts?
They're real.
- What?
- Yes, sir.
Doctor, are those your eyes?
Are those your eyes?
- Yes, sir, they are.
- What?
You look like an albilo.
This could be the last time
that you get to hold me.
- Just...
- Madea!
What the...
- I think I broke my...
- Let's do the slap again.
Come on, reset. I'm getting warmed up.
Mabel, I went to the doctor and they say
I'm dying. I ain't got but a week left.
You are not dying, Mr. Brown.
You had a colonoscopy
and they found a growth
and they wanna remove it and do a biopsy.
Cora, you don't know
what you're talking about.
- You ain't no doctor.
- That's what he said.
- That ain't what he said. You a doctor?
- It is.
That's what I thought. You ain't no doctor
so you don't know doctor stuff.
Shut up! Heller? Yes. Hold on.
Kirk Franklin's calling you.
He wants you back.
All right, we cut.
And don't be so sad.
You're subject to walk out of here
and get hit by a bus.
You never know, baby.
That bus will run right over you,
just splatter you all over the pavement.
Honey, it could be ugly.
God does things like that.
You just never know.
But thank you so much.
We cut.
And I ain't finding out what he done
found out because he don't wanna...
- Good he found out.
- Yes, good he found out.
Because once you find out
what you didn't find out
then you'd know what you didn't know.
And once you know what you don't know
then it don't make no difference
what you don't know no more,
'cause then you don't find out
what you didn't know.
And once you found out
what you don't know...
- Bam, Bam. makes no difference
...what you didn't know no more.
- Bam.
Because when you find out...
- Bam.
...then you can know what...
Some smoking weed, Bam.
Stop smoking all that damn weed.
- Let me tell you something.
- We cut.
- Oh, y'all...
- Cut.
Who's gonna pass us that?
Your lazy ass won't even get up
and go get the food and bring it down...
I'm not gonna get that. Harold!
Bam, you gonna call Harold
to bring the food down here?
- At least somebody.
- That's lazy as hell.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Get up and get it?
Yes. Because I sure in
hell ain't gonna get it.
H.J., come here. Come here.
I got... This what children are for here.
That's why you don't buy a remote control,
you have children.
- That's right.
- Yeah. That's why
you don't need vacuum cleaners or nothing.
Children do all that.
Well, they got two of them.
You use one, I use the other one.
- Yeah, okay. Which one do you want?
- I want that little one.
Bring the food out. We cut.
We cut. Did you get it?
Sit down!
Sittin' there like you on a horse.
Let me tell all of you something,
and I want to make this clear.
If your mama ain't here
then your Daddy gonna tell you
what you need to do.
...tell you what's going on.
- What?
You found out that this was your daughter
just like recently?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- I was 40-something.
- It was terrible.
What was that like?
I was happy, you know, but I was sad.
'Cause it was the best thing
that ever happened.
Why was you sad, Cora?
Because, at first,
I didn't want it to be him to be my daddy.
- Why?
- But then...
Because, you know, look at him.
But he wound up being...
- Cora, look at you.
- It worked out.
You ain't no catch either.
Cora, I'm trying to help, do you a favor.
But what did Madea tell you all your life
about your father?
Like you better than me.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
My security people, please.
Ain't nobody scared of no security.
Because I can take them...
Don't touch me. I will bust you in your head
with this hammer. Back the hell up.
- Madea, please.
- I'm not scared.
I will bust you in your head
with this hammer.
- Madea, please.
- Ma'am, come on.
We're not gonna stand for that on this show.
Come on now.
I don't wanna sit by her!
Get out of the way.
You're in front of the camera. Move.
- Okay. Just sit down here.
- I ain't gonna sit down.
You're in front of the camera.
Get your ass out of the way what I'm telling you.
- Madea.
- She's telling you to slide over.
- Hey, you still ain't moving.
You're in the way.
I'm serious.
Your ass is in front of the camera. Move.
All right. Y'all go on, now, go on.
Get the hell off the stage.
Y'all extras.
Why did you wait until Cora was in her 40s
to tell her who her father was?
That's because she's dumb.
I didn't tell her because
it wasn't important.
It was not important to her.
Because I took care of her.
- You were like father and mother?
- Yeah.
- I ain't never hit no woman,
but I'm gonna... - No, no, no, no, no!
- No, let me, let me...
- No, no, no!
No, we can't have that on my show.
- I love you, man.
- I know. Oh, gentle. Mr. Brown, I know.
- I know. I know. I know.
- I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I want you to be my daddy.
But I want to be your man now.
What? Now what...
Thank you for coming to this movie.