Man Vs. (2015) Movie Script
1
There's our boy.
Looks like he's ready
to make some TV magic.
God help us all.
Whoa, what did you guys do to the RV?
Oh yeah, it's from our
new marketing budget.
Our mobile billboard.
It's chilly.
Okay, let's do this,
come on, drive ahead.
Dad!
Dad, dad!
Shit, take this.
Hey.
Hey, you, get over here,
it's freezing out here.
What are you doing?
I made a video for you, so did mom.
So you're the little monkey...
...that stole my phone, I've been
looking everywhere for it.
Yeah, I wanted to make it a surprise.
Well, it is, sweet face, thank you.
I love you.
Okay, get inside, it's freezing.
Go go go go.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You weren't even gonna say goodbye.
I didn't wanna wake you guys up.
I just wanted to slip away, I'm sorry.
Be safe, okay.
It's gotta be hard
leaving sometimes, huh?
Yeah, sometimes.
Bill, how long we got?
Uh, about a seven hour drive.
Then we take a boat to
the middle of nowhere...
...where we leave you for dead.
This gives me plenty of time
to further establish...
...my dominance over my
poor younger brother here.
Oh, is that right?
Well, I've been practicing online
so you better watch out.
Game on.
Whoa, that one?
Is that really, that's the one
that you wanna move?
I'm just saying, that's
the way you wanna start it?
Are we gonna trash talk
each other in this game?
It's already over.
Smartass.
You can't survive
on just crab apples
Tastes just fine to me
You got to know where you're headin'
We never know where we're headin'
Oh oh no, we just ride and see
And do you live the good life
Oh Hell No
We got kids and a wife
Oh hell no
We live our life for the ride
Ooh ooh
Ooh ooh
All right, so, final recount.
All right, you got four GoPros,...
...one Blackmagic, one HTV
with night vision.
Oh, and here, lens wipes, use 'em.
I'm tired of lack of footage
'cause the lens is dirty.
Take it, take it.
Yes ma'am, Jesus.
Okay, so, final location recap.
We're gonna circle up with our guide...
...about 70 kilometers west of Temagami.
It's very very remote,
nothing for miles.
There's a little hunting camp
called Bearskin Lake...
...is the closest thing.
Used to be a logging mill.
Oh, apparently our guide lives there.
Great.
Topography?
Plenty of lakes of rivers,
some edible plants,...
...mushrooms, be careful.
You eat one lousy mushroom.
Memories of season one.
Well, let's not have a replay of that.
Yeah, but don't forget
to eat something gross.
The viewers love that.
I think you love that.
Yeah, I do, I really do.
But the viewers do too,...
...and this is a new
audience for us, so.
I think she's right.
She's right, this is our chance...
...to take this show really big.
Don't you worry, buddy,
Dougie's got it under control.
Well, I certainly hope so.
There's a lot riding on this.
Yeah, and I'm not ready for a real job.
Thanks for the overwhelming
confidence, guys.
You got this, I know, I know.
I'm feeling so, I'm feeling
the love, I'm feeling it.
Mind the door, buddy.
Last one in buys.
Not too long, guys,
days are shorter and shorter.
We gotta get out there.
Guys, I'm gonna hit the head.
Gonna give birth to
a calf out of my ass.
What the, Ange?
What is up?
I'm just gonna talk to somebody
about where our guide is.
All right, Bill, you do that.
It's a nice town.
You didn't happen
to notice a hospital...
...on the drive in, did you?
No, you'd be lucky to find
a bottle of aspirin here.
That's what I figured.
Great.
Hey, look, man, for the record--
I know that you're gonna go out there...
...and you are gonna do a great job.
We all do.
Well, all right, thanks, Slim.
What, you getting
all sentimental on me now?
No, I'm not, I'm just trying
to find a nice way to say it.
Terry, spit it out.
Just don't fuck this up.
Get us a real show--
You know, no more fart jokes,...
...no more goofball stuff
for me to cut around.
This network show deal
might be our chance...
...to make some real money.
And I don't want your ego
to get in the way of the team.
Hah.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm gonna go check on the gear.
Good, good chat.
Fuck me.
Okay so, I found our guy.
He just got his breakfast,
just says he needs a little time.
Seriously?
I don't think that guy's
playing with a full six pack.
Bill, you realize,
I've gotta build a fire...
...and a shelter before
the sun goes down.
Yeah yeah yeah,
you wanna go talk to him?
Ah, Jesus.
Come on, do it, go, use
your star-studded charm.
Get him off his ass, come on.
You're an idiot.
Go.
His name is Duncan.
Duncan?
Yeah, that dude on the end.
Oh boy.
I'm Doug, Doug Woods.
Real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Woods.
Are you a fan of the show?
Would be if I had the cable.
Yeah, there's that.
So, you're pretty familiar
with these parts, huh?
This your hood?
Wouldn't be much of a guide if I wasn't.
So any expert advice?
What?
For a hotshot outdoorsman like yourself?
Heck, nothing I wouldn't tell myself...
...every time I go out in the bush.
Oh yeah, what's that?
That if I die, a bear will
probably find my body...
...way before any search party does.
I'll see ya on the boat, Mr. Woods.
Uplifting.
Good.
Yeah.
Angie, Terry, this is Duncan.
Duncan, Angie, Terry.
Hey, how's you doing?
Thank you.
This is some engine you got here, huh?
Oh.
Need a shallow draw to
navigate these waterways.
Comes in real handy in the back lakes...
...during the moose season, eh?
That's impressive.
I know.
Only the best.
Same as always, five days
alone making TV magic,...
...then we pick you up.
Anything goes wrong, we
track you on the sat phone,...
...we haul your ass out of there.
All right?
Okay.
Ooh, must be nice to have a lifeline.
Hey hey hey, this is
what you do, all right?
Hold that?
Hold that.
All right, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Ow!
Bony knuckles.
Season three!
Oh!
Son of a bitch.
A soaker five seconds in.
Is that a new record.
Funny.
Please, don't start the new season...
...complaining about a soaker.
Well, I tell you what,...
...any time you wanna be
the guy out here on his own,...
...you let me know, 'cause that'd
make a great comedy show.
Ass.
Hey, don't forget, eat something gross.
Hi, everyone.
Well, here I am, in the wilderness...
...of the Great Canadian north.
My team just dropped me off,
and I'm completely on my own.
I won't be seeing anyone
for another five days...
...until they come pick me up.
The scenario I'll be playing out...
...is that of an amateur
nature photographer...
...who got lost in the woods
and totally turned around.
And as always, my producers
have packed my backpack.
I don't know what I'm gonna get.
So, let's see what we got in here.
We got a hat,...
a camera,...
...a flash, oh, that's bright.
I said, amateur photographer.
Can of Amp energy drink,...
...apple,...
...Swiss army knife,
and a stick of gum.
The first thing I'm gonna wanna do...
...is hike into that treeline.
Once there, I can figure out
exactly how I'm gonna survive...
...these next five days.
As you can see, I started
building my shelter.
Now I'm using this large,
fallen branch,...
...and I'm laying in these
cedar branches at an angle.
It should keep me nice and toasty.
And the idea here is to
make sure that we, ow, oh!
Oh, fuck, motherfucker!
Oh.
Okay, let's document that.
You see that?
That's right under the nail.
Oh, day one and I'm already bleeding.
Oh, that hurts.
One, two, three, oh!
Oh, that feels better.
And I'll clean myself up,
and get back to my shelter.
Hello there.
Yep, I just finished this tasty soda.
I'm gonna show you how to
start a fire using a soda can.
What you're gonna wanna do,...
...grab some earth, moist dirt,...
...and polish the bottom of the can.
I've been doing this one
for about a half hour.
That's right, a half hour
of constant polishing.
I'm very good at it.
No more fuck ups.
What we do is we place
the can in the position...
...so that the sun
can bounce right off it,...
...find a sweet spot, and
let the sun do its work.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah!
I have made fire!
Nobody cares.
I care.
Aw, come on, that's cool
no matter how you cut it.
Ooh, don't wanna burn the camera.
All right, more wood, more wood.
Hello, fearless leader, still alive?
Well, now that I hear
your sexy voice,...
...I have something to live for.
Hold up, Bill wants to talk to you.
Hey, pal, all good?
Yep, all settled in, just
checking in on you guys.
Is that music?
Oh, yeah, that's off Terry's laptop.
Hey, I gotta tell you, buddy.
Duncan set us up in a primo spot.
Angie was off getting beer all today,...
..I caught two good sized
trout, reeled 'em off,...
...now into Angie's scotch,
we're all a little drunk.
You know I'm sleeping
under a tree, right?
Nice, buddy.
That's why you're gonna be
famous in 11 different countries.
From your lips.
Hey, put Terry on.
Slim!
Hey, how's today's footage looking?
Pretty good.
Some minor fuck ups to cut around.
Oh, yeah, that's to be expected.
Smartass.
Hey, listen,
I've hiked into Gull Lake,...
...I've set up a shelter,
I'm gonna stay here.
So pick up will be the same
as drop off, got it?
Yeah.
All right, go back to
your little fancy party.
I'll talk to you guys in the morning.
And they're worried about me.
Something, uh--
Some sort of--
I guess it was a noise, woke me up.
I literally felt the Earth
shake beneath me.
Phew.
There's no storm.
Guess it was an earthquake.
They're rare, but they do happen.
I guess there are no aftershocks,
so, back in the sack.
Well, it's day two on
the Canadian Shield.
And even with a shelter and a fire,...
...it sure is nice
when the sun comes up.
Now the sun will be up--
Holy shit.
Look at that, look at that,
look, up, look.
It's like a perfect line
right down the lake.
Jesus, maybe it had something
to do with the sound...
...I heard last night.
That's no lightning.
Well, we gotta investigate this.
From wilderness show to detective show.
Follow me.
What the fuck?
Look at that.
There's something in that water.
Shit.
Looks like we've got a visitor.
The important thing is to stay calm.
Just back away, get out
of Mr. Wolf's path.
Wow.
That's a large male.
He's getting ready to settle
in for a long, harsh winter,...
...so, he's ready
to pack all the pounds.
These fish here are going
to be a huge feast for him.
That's odd.
He just walked right by 'em.
I'd love fish tonight.
Still, maybe that wolf
knows something I don't.
Better safe than sorry.
Useless piece of shit.
Maybe it was a meteor.
That could knock out the
satellite reception with Terry.
I knew your geek facts
would come in handy.
A meteor.
I'm not gonna take
a chance on those fish.
Let's see if we can
trap some small game.
Okay, here we go.
See that?
That right there?
Those droppings, most likely rabbit.
I hate to kill any animal,
but in survival conditions,...
...everything's fair game.
That big fat rabbit sure would
be tasty right about now.
Let's see what we can do.
Now, one of the simplest,
most effective traps...
...is called the figure four deadfall.
And what you need for this
is three sticks and a big rock.
And it's very very simple.
Put a piece of bait just on
the tip of stick C over here,...
...our furry little friend
will crawl in...
...all curious and hungry,
and with any luck,...
...he'll trigger the trap.
And that will kill any small animal.
All right.
Now, let's set this up again
so you guys can see...
...how I did it.
You take a big rock, it's
heavier than it looks,...
...stick A, stick B, stick C.
You wanna make sure the
grooves and the notches...
...all line up.
You want a big rock.
Ah, okay.
Now for bait.
Rabbits love apples.
All right.
Now we wait.
All right.
There, don't say I never
did anything for you, Angie.
Okay, so, this morning
I set three traps.
Let's see if we got any food.
Oh, look at this.
Wait for it.
It looks like we got some food.
I'll tell ya, it'll be nice
to get some warm meat...
...in my belly.
Ah, can it be?
Two out of three, let's eat!
So, as you can see,
I've moved away from camp.
You don't want any dead
animals, blood or guts,...
...anywhere near where you're sleeping.
You'd invite unwelcome guests
like coyotes, wolves, a bear.
What you wanna do is take Bugs here,...
...lay him on his back like this.
Take your knife, you wanna
make a nice, long cut...
...from the breast all
the way down to the belly.
Once you've made the first cut,...
...you wanna work your
thumbs in and under the fur...
...all the way around.
Kind of like a giant tangerine.
Pull it apart, and when
you get down to the leg,...
...you need to snap it,
and make a shallow cut...
...all the way around the paw.
It should all slide off.
Next, a nice slice right
from the breastbone...
...down to the belly, this time
you wanna get deep.
And that reveals rabbit innards.
Mmm.
Okay, last but not least,
sorry, pal, cut off the head.
And there you have it, sumptuous
wild rabbit ready to cook.
Come on!
Useless piece of shit.
Can you hear me now?
Hey, babe.
I know things have been
really stressful lately.
I wanted to give you something
to keep you warm...
...and cozy in those freezing
cold nights out in the woods.
I know that you love it
out there but, just,...
...be careful, okay?
And we will be here when you get back.
And so will these.
I love you.
Yeah, I'm an ass.
So, whatever it is, it's back.
That's probably that wolf.
Wolves travel in packs,
so I'd be lying...
...if I said I wasn't a little nervous.
Between a wolf pack and a bear,
I'd take a bear any day.
Let's have some more food.
So, just finished my first rabbit.
Delicious.
While I could easily eat the second,...
...it's probably a wise idea
to save it for tomorrow.
After all, my traps may yield nothing...
...and I don't wanna be hungry tomorrow.
But I don't wanna keep
the rabbit with me here...
...at my shelter, I don't wanna
attract any animals...
...like our friend, Mr. Wolf out there.
So what I'm gonna do is
hang it from a high branch...
...out of reach of any large animals.
I didn't have any rope with me.
That's where a camera strap
comes in handy.
It's made of a tightly woven nylon,...
...and cut into thin strips, it
makes a terrific rabbit rope.
All right, so I've got
my homemade rope...
...with a stick tied on the end,...
...and I'll try and
get it over that branch...
...and hoist up Mr. Bunny.
Oh, almost.
One more time, hang on.
Yeah, oh, come on.
Oh, one more time, hang on.
Hang on, we almost got it.
Piece of shit!
And a three.
Ah ha.
First try.
Okay.
All right.
Piece of cake.
Now, an important and
often overlooked aspect...
...of survival is keeping
your mind active.
The isolation and loneliness
can drive many to lose hope.
As you know, I like to
play chess against myself.
Okay, where were we.
No idea what time it is.
I'm guessing it's
the middle of the night.
The sky just opened up.
But I am staying relatively dry.
So is some extra bit of
firewood that I've got.
I throw a little bit
on every so often...
...just to make sure that
the fire doesn't die.
I'm actually really happy
with this shelter.
And the fallen tree, and
the pine and spruce branches...
...as a roof, I'm gonna stay
relatively dry all night.
I'll check in with you guys
in the morning.
Oh!
Relatively dry my wet, cold ass.
Oh, I hate you guys so much right now...
...and your scientifically
designed waterproof tents.
What the fuck was that?
A little night vision here, Terry.
Hey, hey!
That sucked.
Yeah, between the rain and...
...the wolves?
Whatever the fuck that was.
I didn't sleep at all.
My back is killing me.
I'm wet, wet ass.
Shut up, geese!
Why the fuck did I sign up for this.
I hate this, I hate this
so much right now,...
...I don't have the words for it.
Get it together, get it together,
come on.
Got a show to do.
All right.
Fuck.
It's day three in the great
Canadian Shield.
My shelter served my great last night.
It shielded me from the rain
and the heavy winds.
On the breakfast menu
this morning, wild--
God dammit.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on!
Fucking lousy piece of shit!
Okay okay okay okay okay.
Okay, it couldn't have been the wolf.
That'd have to be one
crafty fucking wolf.
So yesterday I got lucky,
nabbed me two delicious rabbits.
Let's see if I get as lucky today.
Well, it looks like I'm not
the only hunter in these woods.
Yeah, most likely a bear.
Or that wolf, came across
my track, slipped over the rock,...
...and just ate whatever I caught.
Let's see if we're any luckier
with the other traps.
This wolf's probably thinking,
it's my lucky day.
There's food under every rock.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Maybe he felt sorry
for me and left me one...
...seeing as I did all the work.
What the hell?
You ever seen anything like that before.
Yeah, me neither.
Where's the phone?
What the fuck?
Doug, you put the phone here.
God dammit.
I put it here.
Okay.
Okay, the phone's gone.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
I put the fucking phone on the bag.
I put it on the bag.
That's not how I left it.
Oh god, I must be losing my mind.
So, someone's clearly messing with me.
Rabbit, and then that scream at night.
And the traps.
Now the sat phone is gone and
the chess pieces have moved.
You know any wolves who can play chess?
There's someone clearly out here.
I got two more days.
That's it, I'm gonna make
my way around the lake...
...and then I'm gonna
come up the pickup point.
I swear to God, Terry.
I swear to God if this is you
and Bill and Angie,...
...if this is your way of
teaching me a lesson,...
...of fucking with me, oh my God.
I will be really really really...
...fucking pissed off at you guys.
Son of a bitch, it's actually
a really good move.
Fuck it can't be Terry.
Yeah, this guy's a good chess player,
I'll give him that.
Try and get out of that, son of a bitch.
So, you'll have to
cut around this, Terry.
My spidey senses are screaming at me...
...to get the hell out of here.
I mean, crocodiles, snakes,
bears, bring 'em on.
But psycho mountain men?
I have no interest in tangling with.
I'm gonna ditch my fancy digs here,...
...I'm gonna move out onto the cliff,...
...I'll try and get some
footage for the show,...
...but, this is starting
to feel really messed up.
So, let's assume you've been
lost in the woods...
...for several days now,...
...and you're confident
that a rescue party...
...is out looking for you.
In that scenario,
you wouldn't wanna be...
...in the dense forest,
but out in the wide open...
...where you'd have a greater
chance of being seen.
This will serve as an ideal
spot for my next camp.
Just on top of the ridge
there is an open area...
...that's clearly visible
from the sky...
...as well as the surrounding lakes.
And this rock face will serve
as a good shelter...
...to shield me from
the wind and the rain.
Now we just have to
make it a little cozier.
Let's get to it.
Home sweet home.
Welcome to my new camp.
Let's go scrounge up some food...
...now that we've got our fire going.
See any fish down there?
Okay.
So here I am at the creek,...
...which is not only
my new water source,...
...this is also a great spot
for finding local food.
Small fish, crayfish, frogs,
anything buggy.
Recognize this?
So I'm not alone out here
I guess, I got a fan.
Oh, this is a great spot
for you guys to drop me.
And the mystery of the
missing cell phone is solved.
And buddy decided to take it apart.
Well, at least I know
I'm not going crazy.
This is starting to feel--
Jesus.
Are you seeing this?
What the fuck?
I didn't set that up.
I didn't set that up.
Check.
Hey, asshole!
I know you're out there!
Well, I like your fucking chess moves!
Fucker.
So I set a three camera
security perimeter.
Asshole sets one foot
in this camp, smile,...
...you're on fucking camera.
Oh fuck me.
Oh fuck.
Who's idea was northern Ontario?
Huh, Terry?
Why couldn't it have been
Bahamas or Santa Barbara?
Surviving Santa Barbara,
I'd watch that show.
I'm famished.
I haven't eaten anything today.
I'm gonna turn in early...
...and wake up and try
and find some food.
I'll try and make it
something gross for you, Bill.
Good night.
Someone was in my camp last night.
They tilted the fucking cameras down.
Ah no no.
That's it, that's it, I'm done.
I'm done, I'm fucking done, Terry.
This is bullshit.
Yeah, I can deal with the outdoors,
and the fucking animals,...
...and the weather, but
I can't deal with a fucking...
...psycho, chess playing
lumberjack, Terry.
I'm done, it's over.
You're gonna have
to cut this together...
...and make it look like
five days in post.
I'm gathering my fucking equipment...
...and I'm fucking getting
the fuck out of here, all right?
This is ridiculous.
Fuck you!
Fucking asshole.
All right, guys, that's it.
As soon as I'm done here
I'll pack up all my gear.
Come to scoop me up, okay?
It's the best I can do.
This one's for you, little bro.
Well, I've survived five days here...
...in the forests of northern Canada.
While the wilderness can be
hash and unforgiving,...
...it can also provide you with...
...all the necessary elements
for survival.
I've moved myself to an elevated spot...
...with an open area above me,...
...and I've thrown some fresh
pine and spruce needles...
...on my fire.
That'll create a smoke signal
that's visible for miles.
And then, the help will arrive.
You hear that, help will arrive,...
...so hurry up, guys, get off your
lazy asses and come get me.
All right, enough is enough.
Enough is enough.
God dammit!
Duncan, is that you?
I know you're out here, come on!
What the, what the fuck?
Okay, get dry, get dry.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay,
calm down, calm down.
Okay.
Gotta get to base camp,
take things from there.
You can do it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Two, three, come on.
Base camp.
Ah, fuck, fuck.
Terry?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Guys?
Bill? Angie?
Terry!
Terry?
Guys?
Terry!
Terry? Terry?
It's me, buddy.
It's me, it's me, bro, I'm here.
I'm gonna go to the tent,
I'm gonna get the med kit,...
...I'll be right back, okay?
Hang in there, you hold on.
Run.
Mayday, mayday,
this is an emergency, over.
Mayday, we need, mayday, we need help.
Can anyone read me, over.
We're 20 kilometers from Bearskin Lake.
We need an emergency medical evac.
Please read me, over.
Do you read me!
There are people dying, over!
Fuck.
I don't know who I'm filming
this for any more.
I figure maybe someone should know.
Bill, Angie, and Terry are dead.
I'm pretty sure I killed
the thing that did it,...
I don't know what it was.
I'm hundreds of miles from anywhere.
In case I don't make it,...
...Jo, I knew the first
I saw you, I was a goner.
I could survive the North Pole,...
...but I was no match for that smile.
Holly, my baby.
My baby girl, I love you,
I love you so much...
...it hurts my heart.
Video message to daddy, take one.
Hi, daddy, I just wanted
to say I love you...
...and I'll miss you.
Don't be afraid, because
I know you're the bravest...
...and the strongest, and that
you're coming home soon.
Okay, Doug...
How do we get home?
Bearskin Lake.
That's where Duncan is.
That's 20 clicks.
Six hours.
Fuck.
Go with your gut.
Duncan.
Duncan!
Duncan, thank god.
Duncan?
Holy shit!
Oh shit.
Fuck, fuck.
At this point we can't
say with any accuracy...
...what the scope of the attack is.
The initial global air attack...
...targeted the world's largest
and most densely populated...
...cities and military installations.
New York, Los Angeles,
London, Mumbai, Beijing.
Get down!
Now, the initial global attack
only lasted...
...97 minutes, but it managed
to cripple most of the world,...
...communication, infrastructure.
All we know is that the attack
is of unknown origin.
Not of this world.
Now, the last reports we had...
...were that several alien
aircraft were shot down...
...by northern military defense forces.
Authorities have been
pleading with people...
...to get as far away from the densely
populated urban centers,...
...to get as far away
from them as possible.
And if you managed to escape,
and if you can hear me,...
...if you're out there,
if you're out there, good luck.
Major cities.
Jo.
At this point we can't say
with any accuracy...
...what the scope of the attack is.
The initial global
air attack targeted...
...the largest and
most densely populated--
You gotta be alive.
These will me to the channels.
I'll have to figure it out from there.
Hey!
Duncan?
What they hell are you doing in my boat?
It's me, Doug Woods.
Where's the rest of your crew?
They're all dead.
Dead?
What the hell's going on?
I don't have time to explain,
just get on the boat...
...and we'll talk while we're moving.
Mr. Woods.
I really need you to get out of my boat.
Duncan, I'm not arguing with you,...
...just get on the fucking boat.
You can just--
Fuck.
Checkmate.
There's a place just off the coast
In the middle of nowhere
Deep inside the hills
Sitting silently lives the lonely,
the lonely gunman
Counting up his kills
Oh yeah
When he was young
he dreamed of a life
Of growing old and happy
But he was so naive
'Cause you can never shoot a gun
Pull the trigger
With your heart on your sleeve
Oh no
He's come to terms
with a life spent alone
No room for love in
a heart made of stone
He made the choice oh so long ago
Between a woman and a smoking gun
There was a time he fell in love
And he was happy
With a woman soft and kind
But every time he closed his eyes
And pulled the trigger
He left a bit of himself behind
Oh yeah
Now he's haunted by the eyes
Of the lives he's taken
As they were making
their last stands
There is no amount of time
That can wash away
The blood from his hands
Oh no
There's our boy.
Looks like he's ready
to make some TV magic.
God help us all.
Whoa, what did you guys do to the RV?
Oh yeah, it's from our
new marketing budget.
Our mobile billboard.
It's chilly.
Okay, let's do this,
come on, drive ahead.
Dad!
Dad, dad!
Shit, take this.
Hey.
Hey, you, get over here,
it's freezing out here.
What are you doing?
I made a video for you, so did mom.
So you're the little monkey...
...that stole my phone, I've been
looking everywhere for it.
Yeah, I wanted to make it a surprise.
Well, it is, sweet face, thank you.
I love you.
Okay, get inside, it's freezing.
Go go go go.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You weren't even gonna say goodbye.
I didn't wanna wake you guys up.
I just wanted to slip away, I'm sorry.
Be safe, okay.
It's gotta be hard
leaving sometimes, huh?
Yeah, sometimes.
Bill, how long we got?
Uh, about a seven hour drive.
Then we take a boat to
the middle of nowhere...
...where we leave you for dead.
This gives me plenty of time
to further establish...
...my dominance over my
poor younger brother here.
Oh, is that right?
Well, I've been practicing online
so you better watch out.
Game on.
Whoa, that one?
Is that really, that's the one
that you wanna move?
I'm just saying, that's
the way you wanna start it?
Are we gonna trash talk
each other in this game?
It's already over.
Smartass.
You can't survive
on just crab apples
Tastes just fine to me
You got to know where you're headin'
We never know where we're headin'
Oh oh no, we just ride and see
And do you live the good life
Oh Hell No
We got kids and a wife
Oh hell no
We live our life for the ride
Ooh ooh
Ooh ooh
All right, so, final recount.
All right, you got four GoPros,...
...one Blackmagic, one HTV
with night vision.
Oh, and here, lens wipes, use 'em.
I'm tired of lack of footage
'cause the lens is dirty.
Take it, take it.
Yes ma'am, Jesus.
Okay, so, final location recap.
We're gonna circle up with our guide...
...about 70 kilometers west of Temagami.
It's very very remote,
nothing for miles.
There's a little hunting camp
called Bearskin Lake...
...is the closest thing.
Used to be a logging mill.
Oh, apparently our guide lives there.
Great.
Topography?
Plenty of lakes of rivers,
some edible plants,...
...mushrooms, be careful.
You eat one lousy mushroom.
Memories of season one.
Well, let's not have a replay of that.
Yeah, but don't forget
to eat something gross.
The viewers love that.
I think you love that.
Yeah, I do, I really do.
But the viewers do too,...
...and this is a new
audience for us, so.
I think she's right.
She's right, this is our chance...
...to take this show really big.
Don't you worry, buddy,
Dougie's got it under control.
Well, I certainly hope so.
There's a lot riding on this.
Yeah, and I'm not ready for a real job.
Thanks for the overwhelming
confidence, guys.
You got this, I know, I know.
I'm feeling so, I'm feeling
the love, I'm feeling it.
Mind the door, buddy.
Last one in buys.
Not too long, guys,
days are shorter and shorter.
We gotta get out there.
Guys, I'm gonna hit the head.
Gonna give birth to
a calf out of my ass.
What the, Ange?
What is up?
I'm just gonna talk to somebody
about where our guide is.
All right, Bill, you do that.
It's a nice town.
You didn't happen
to notice a hospital...
...on the drive in, did you?
No, you'd be lucky to find
a bottle of aspirin here.
That's what I figured.
Great.
Hey, look, man, for the record--
I know that you're gonna go out there...
...and you are gonna do a great job.
We all do.
Well, all right, thanks, Slim.
What, you getting
all sentimental on me now?
No, I'm not, I'm just trying
to find a nice way to say it.
Terry, spit it out.
Just don't fuck this up.
Get us a real show--
You know, no more fart jokes,...
...no more goofball stuff
for me to cut around.
This network show deal
might be our chance...
...to make some real money.
And I don't want your ego
to get in the way of the team.
Hah.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm gonna go check on the gear.
Good, good chat.
Fuck me.
Okay so, I found our guy.
He just got his breakfast,
just says he needs a little time.
Seriously?
I don't think that guy's
playing with a full six pack.
Bill, you realize,
I've gotta build a fire...
...and a shelter before
the sun goes down.
Yeah yeah yeah,
you wanna go talk to him?
Ah, Jesus.
Come on, do it, go, use
your star-studded charm.
Get him off his ass, come on.
You're an idiot.
Go.
His name is Duncan.
Duncan?
Yeah, that dude on the end.
Oh boy.
I'm Doug, Doug Woods.
Real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Woods.
Are you a fan of the show?
Would be if I had the cable.
Yeah, there's that.
So, you're pretty familiar
with these parts, huh?
This your hood?
Wouldn't be much of a guide if I wasn't.
So any expert advice?
What?
For a hotshot outdoorsman like yourself?
Heck, nothing I wouldn't tell myself...
...every time I go out in the bush.
Oh yeah, what's that?
That if I die, a bear will
probably find my body...
...way before any search party does.
I'll see ya on the boat, Mr. Woods.
Uplifting.
Good.
Yeah.
Angie, Terry, this is Duncan.
Duncan, Angie, Terry.
Hey, how's you doing?
Thank you.
This is some engine you got here, huh?
Oh.
Need a shallow draw to
navigate these waterways.
Comes in real handy in the back lakes...
...during the moose season, eh?
That's impressive.
I know.
Only the best.
Same as always, five days
alone making TV magic,...
...then we pick you up.
Anything goes wrong, we
track you on the sat phone,...
...we haul your ass out of there.
All right?
Okay.
Ooh, must be nice to have a lifeline.
Hey hey hey, this is
what you do, all right?
Hold that?
Hold that.
All right, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Ow!
Bony knuckles.
Season three!
Oh!
Son of a bitch.
A soaker five seconds in.
Is that a new record.
Funny.
Please, don't start the new season...
...complaining about a soaker.
Well, I tell you what,...
...any time you wanna be
the guy out here on his own,...
...you let me know, 'cause that'd
make a great comedy show.
Ass.
Hey, don't forget, eat something gross.
Hi, everyone.
Well, here I am, in the wilderness...
...of the Great Canadian north.
My team just dropped me off,
and I'm completely on my own.
I won't be seeing anyone
for another five days...
...until they come pick me up.
The scenario I'll be playing out...
...is that of an amateur
nature photographer...
...who got lost in the woods
and totally turned around.
And as always, my producers
have packed my backpack.
I don't know what I'm gonna get.
So, let's see what we got in here.
We got a hat,...
a camera,...
...a flash, oh, that's bright.
I said, amateur photographer.
Can of Amp energy drink,...
...apple,...
...Swiss army knife,
and a stick of gum.
The first thing I'm gonna wanna do...
...is hike into that treeline.
Once there, I can figure out
exactly how I'm gonna survive...
...these next five days.
As you can see, I started
building my shelter.
Now I'm using this large,
fallen branch,...
...and I'm laying in these
cedar branches at an angle.
It should keep me nice and toasty.
And the idea here is to
make sure that we, ow, oh!
Oh, fuck, motherfucker!
Oh.
Okay, let's document that.
You see that?
That's right under the nail.
Oh, day one and I'm already bleeding.
Oh, that hurts.
One, two, three, oh!
Oh, that feels better.
And I'll clean myself up,
and get back to my shelter.
Hello there.
Yep, I just finished this tasty soda.
I'm gonna show you how to
start a fire using a soda can.
What you're gonna wanna do,...
...grab some earth, moist dirt,...
...and polish the bottom of the can.
I've been doing this one
for about a half hour.
That's right, a half hour
of constant polishing.
I'm very good at it.
No more fuck ups.
What we do is we place
the can in the position...
...so that the sun
can bounce right off it,...
...find a sweet spot, and
let the sun do its work.
Oh, oh, oh.
Yeah!
I have made fire!
Nobody cares.
I care.
Aw, come on, that's cool
no matter how you cut it.
Ooh, don't wanna burn the camera.
All right, more wood, more wood.
Hello, fearless leader, still alive?
Well, now that I hear
your sexy voice,...
...I have something to live for.
Hold up, Bill wants to talk to you.
Hey, pal, all good?
Yep, all settled in, just
checking in on you guys.
Is that music?
Oh, yeah, that's off Terry's laptop.
Hey, I gotta tell you, buddy.
Duncan set us up in a primo spot.
Angie was off getting beer all today,...
..I caught two good sized
trout, reeled 'em off,...
...now into Angie's scotch,
we're all a little drunk.
You know I'm sleeping
under a tree, right?
Nice, buddy.
That's why you're gonna be
famous in 11 different countries.
From your lips.
Hey, put Terry on.
Slim!
Hey, how's today's footage looking?
Pretty good.
Some minor fuck ups to cut around.
Oh, yeah, that's to be expected.
Smartass.
Hey, listen,
I've hiked into Gull Lake,...
...I've set up a shelter,
I'm gonna stay here.
So pick up will be the same
as drop off, got it?
Yeah.
All right, go back to
your little fancy party.
I'll talk to you guys in the morning.
And they're worried about me.
Something, uh--
Some sort of--
I guess it was a noise, woke me up.
I literally felt the Earth
shake beneath me.
Phew.
There's no storm.
Guess it was an earthquake.
They're rare, but they do happen.
I guess there are no aftershocks,
so, back in the sack.
Well, it's day two on
the Canadian Shield.
And even with a shelter and a fire,...
...it sure is nice
when the sun comes up.
Now the sun will be up--
Holy shit.
Look at that, look at that,
look, up, look.
It's like a perfect line
right down the lake.
Jesus, maybe it had something
to do with the sound...
...I heard last night.
That's no lightning.
Well, we gotta investigate this.
From wilderness show to detective show.
Follow me.
What the fuck?
Look at that.
There's something in that water.
Shit.
Looks like we've got a visitor.
The important thing is to stay calm.
Just back away, get out
of Mr. Wolf's path.
Wow.
That's a large male.
He's getting ready to settle
in for a long, harsh winter,...
...so, he's ready
to pack all the pounds.
These fish here are going
to be a huge feast for him.
That's odd.
He just walked right by 'em.
I'd love fish tonight.
Still, maybe that wolf
knows something I don't.
Better safe than sorry.
Useless piece of shit.
Maybe it was a meteor.
That could knock out the
satellite reception with Terry.
I knew your geek facts
would come in handy.
A meteor.
I'm not gonna take
a chance on those fish.
Let's see if we can
trap some small game.
Okay, here we go.
See that?
That right there?
Those droppings, most likely rabbit.
I hate to kill any animal,
but in survival conditions,...
...everything's fair game.
That big fat rabbit sure would
be tasty right about now.
Let's see what we can do.
Now, one of the simplest,
most effective traps...
...is called the figure four deadfall.
And what you need for this
is three sticks and a big rock.
And it's very very simple.
Put a piece of bait just on
the tip of stick C over here,...
...our furry little friend
will crawl in...
...all curious and hungry,
and with any luck,...
...he'll trigger the trap.
And that will kill any small animal.
All right.
Now, let's set this up again
so you guys can see...
...how I did it.
You take a big rock, it's
heavier than it looks,...
...stick A, stick B, stick C.
You wanna make sure the
grooves and the notches...
...all line up.
You want a big rock.
Ah, okay.
Now for bait.
Rabbits love apples.
All right.
Now we wait.
All right.
There, don't say I never
did anything for you, Angie.
Okay, so, this morning
I set three traps.
Let's see if we got any food.
Oh, look at this.
Wait for it.
It looks like we got some food.
I'll tell ya, it'll be nice
to get some warm meat...
...in my belly.
Ah, can it be?
Two out of three, let's eat!
So, as you can see,
I've moved away from camp.
You don't want any dead
animals, blood or guts,...
...anywhere near where you're sleeping.
You'd invite unwelcome guests
like coyotes, wolves, a bear.
What you wanna do is take Bugs here,...
...lay him on his back like this.
Take your knife, you wanna
make a nice, long cut...
...from the breast all
the way down to the belly.
Once you've made the first cut,...
...you wanna work your
thumbs in and under the fur...
...all the way around.
Kind of like a giant tangerine.
Pull it apart, and when
you get down to the leg,...
...you need to snap it,
and make a shallow cut...
...all the way around the paw.
It should all slide off.
Next, a nice slice right
from the breastbone...
...down to the belly, this time
you wanna get deep.
And that reveals rabbit innards.
Mmm.
Okay, last but not least,
sorry, pal, cut off the head.
And there you have it, sumptuous
wild rabbit ready to cook.
Come on!
Useless piece of shit.
Can you hear me now?
Hey, babe.
I know things have been
really stressful lately.
I wanted to give you something
to keep you warm...
...and cozy in those freezing
cold nights out in the woods.
I know that you love it
out there but, just,...
...be careful, okay?
And we will be here when you get back.
And so will these.
I love you.
Yeah, I'm an ass.
So, whatever it is, it's back.
That's probably that wolf.
Wolves travel in packs,
so I'd be lying...
...if I said I wasn't a little nervous.
Between a wolf pack and a bear,
I'd take a bear any day.
Let's have some more food.
So, just finished my first rabbit.
Delicious.
While I could easily eat the second,...
...it's probably a wise idea
to save it for tomorrow.
After all, my traps may yield nothing...
...and I don't wanna be hungry tomorrow.
But I don't wanna keep
the rabbit with me here...
...at my shelter, I don't wanna
attract any animals...
...like our friend, Mr. Wolf out there.
So what I'm gonna do is
hang it from a high branch...
...out of reach of any large animals.
I didn't have any rope with me.
That's where a camera strap
comes in handy.
It's made of a tightly woven nylon,...
...and cut into thin strips, it
makes a terrific rabbit rope.
All right, so I've got
my homemade rope...
...with a stick tied on the end,...
...and I'll try and
get it over that branch...
...and hoist up Mr. Bunny.
Oh, almost.
One more time, hang on.
Yeah, oh, come on.
Oh, one more time, hang on.
Hang on, we almost got it.
Piece of shit!
And a three.
Ah ha.
First try.
Okay.
All right.
Piece of cake.
Now, an important and
often overlooked aspect...
...of survival is keeping
your mind active.
The isolation and loneliness
can drive many to lose hope.
As you know, I like to
play chess against myself.
Okay, where were we.
No idea what time it is.
I'm guessing it's
the middle of the night.
The sky just opened up.
But I am staying relatively dry.
So is some extra bit of
firewood that I've got.
I throw a little bit
on every so often...
...just to make sure that
the fire doesn't die.
I'm actually really happy
with this shelter.
And the fallen tree, and
the pine and spruce branches...
...as a roof, I'm gonna stay
relatively dry all night.
I'll check in with you guys
in the morning.
Oh!
Relatively dry my wet, cold ass.
Oh, I hate you guys so much right now...
...and your scientifically
designed waterproof tents.
What the fuck was that?
A little night vision here, Terry.
Hey, hey!
That sucked.
Yeah, between the rain and...
...the wolves?
Whatever the fuck that was.
I didn't sleep at all.
My back is killing me.
I'm wet, wet ass.
Shut up, geese!
Why the fuck did I sign up for this.
I hate this, I hate this
so much right now,...
...I don't have the words for it.
Get it together, get it together,
come on.
Got a show to do.
All right.
Fuck.
It's day three in the great
Canadian Shield.
My shelter served my great last night.
It shielded me from the rain
and the heavy winds.
On the breakfast menu
this morning, wild--
God dammit.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on!
Fucking lousy piece of shit!
Okay okay okay okay okay.
Okay, it couldn't have been the wolf.
That'd have to be one
crafty fucking wolf.
So yesterday I got lucky,
nabbed me two delicious rabbits.
Let's see if I get as lucky today.
Well, it looks like I'm not
the only hunter in these woods.
Yeah, most likely a bear.
Or that wolf, came across
my track, slipped over the rock,...
...and just ate whatever I caught.
Let's see if we're any luckier
with the other traps.
This wolf's probably thinking,
it's my lucky day.
There's food under every rock.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Maybe he felt sorry
for me and left me one...
...seeing as I did all the work.
What the hell?
You ever seen anything like that before.
Yeah, me neither.
Where's the phone?
What the fuck?
Doug, you put the phone here.
God dammit.
I put it here.
Okay.
Okay, the phone's gone.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
I put the fucking phone on the bag.
I put it on the bag.
That's not how I left it.
Oh god, I must be losing my mind.
So, someone's clearly messing with me.
Rabbit, and then that scream at night.
And the traps.
Now the sat phone is gone and
the chess pieces have moved.
You know any wolves who can play chess?
There's someone clearly out here.
I got two more days.
That's it, I'm gonna make
my way around the lake...
...and then I'm gonna
come up the pickup point.
I swear to God, Terry.
I swear to God if this is you
and Bill and Angie,...
...if this is your way of
teaching me a lesson,...
...of fucking with me, oh my God.
I will be really really really...
...fucking pissed off at you guys.
Son of a bitch, it's actually
a really good move.
Fuck it can't be Terry.
Yeah, this guy's a good chess player,
I'll give him that.
Try and get out of that, son of a bitch.
So, you'll have to
cut around this, Terry.
My spidey senses are screaming at me...
...to get the hell out of here.
I mean, crocodiles, snakes,
bears, bring 'em on.
But psycho mountain men?
I have no interest in tangling with.
I'm gonna ditch my fancy digs here,...
...I'm gonna move out onto the cliff,...
...I'll try and get some
footage for the show,...
...but, this is starting
to feel really messed up.
So, let's assume you've been
lost in the woods...
...for several days now,...
...and you're confident
that a rescue party...
...is out looking for you.
In that scenario,
you wouldn't wanna be...
...in the dense forest,
but out in the wide open...
...where you'd have a greater
chance of being seen.
This will serve as an ideal
spot for my next camp.
Just on top of the ridge
there is an open area...
...that's clearly visible
from the sky...
...as well as the surrounding lakes.
And this rock face will serve
as a good shelter...
...to shield me from
the wind and the rain.
Now we just have to
make it a little cozier.
Let's get to it.
Home sweet home.
Welcome to my new camp.
Let's go scrounge up some food...
...now that we've got our fire going.
See any fish down there?
Okay.
So here I am at the creek,...
...which is not only
my new water source,...
...this is also a great spot
for finding local food.
Small fish, crayfish, frogs,
anything buggy.
Recognize this?
So I'm not alone out here
I guess, I got a fan.
Oh, this is a great spot
for you guys to drop me.
And the mystery of the
missing cell phone is solved.
And buddy decided to take it apart.
Well, at least I know
I'm not going crazy.
This is starting to feel--
Jesus.
Are you seeing this?
What the fuck?
I didn't set that up.
I didn't set that up.
Check.
Hey, asshole!
I know you're out there!
Well, I like your fucking chess moves!
Fucker.
So I set a three camera
security perimeter.
Asshole sets one foot
in this camp, smile,...
...you're on fucking camera.
Oh fuck me.
Oh fuck.
Who's idea was northern Ontario?
Huh, Terry?
Why couldn't it have been
Bahamas or Santa Barbara?
Surviving Santa Barbara,
I'd watch that show.
I'm famished.
I haven't eaten anything today.
I'm gonna turn in early...
...and wake up and try
and find some food.
I'll try and make it
something gross for you, Bill.
Good night.
Someone was in my camp last night.
They tilted the fucking cameras down.
Ah no no.
That's it, that's it, I'm done.
I'm done, I'm fucking done, Terry.
This is bullshit.
Yeah, I can deal with the outdoors,
and the fucking animals,...
...and the weather, but
I can't deal with a fucking...
...psycho, chess playing
lumberjack, Terry.
I'm done, it's over.
You're gonna have
to cut this together...
...and make it look like
five days in post.
I'm gathering my fucking equipment...
...and I'm fucking getting
the fuck out of here, all right?
This is ridiculous.
Fuck you!
Fucking asshole.
All right, guys, that's it.
As soon as I'm done here
I'll pack up all my gear.
Come to scoop me up, okay?
It's the best I can do.
This one's for you, little bro.
Well, I've survived five days here...
...in the forests of northern Canada.
While the wilderness can be
hash and unforgiving,...
...it can also provide you with...
...all the necessary elements
for survival.
I've moved myself to an elevated spot...
...with an open area above me,...
...and I've thrown some fresh
pine and spruce needles...
...on my fire.
That'll create a smoke signal
that's visible for miles.
And then, the help will arrive.
You hear that, help will arrive,...
...so hurry up, guys, get off your
lazy asses and come get me.
All right, enough is enough.
Enough is enough.
God dammit!
Duncan, is that you?
I know you're out here, come on!
What the, what the fuck?
Okay, get dry, get dry.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay,
calm down, calm down.
Okay.
Gotta get to base camp,
take things from there.
You can do it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Two, three, come on.
Base camp.
Ah, fuck, fuck.
Terry?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Guys?
Bill? Angie?
Terry!
Terry?
Guys?
Terry!
Terry? Terry?
It's me, buddy.
It's me, it's me, bro, I'm here.
I'm gonna go to the tent,
I'm gonna get the med kit,...
...I'll be right back, okay?
Hang in there, you hold on.
Run.
Mayday, mayday,
this is an emergency, over.
Mayday, we need, mayday, we need help.
Can anyone read me, over.
We're 20 kilometers from Bearskin Lake.
We need an emergency medical evac.
Please read me, over.
Do you read me!
There are people dying, over!
Fuck.
I don't know who I'm filming
this for any more.
I figure maybe someone should know.
Bill, Angie, and Terry are dead.
I'm pretty sure I killed
the thing that did it,...
I don't know what it was.
I'm hundreds of miles from anywhere.
In case I don't make it,...
...Jo, I knew the first
I saw you, I was a goner.
I could survive the North Pole,...
...but I was no match for that smile.
Holly, my baby.
My baby girl, I love you,
I love you so much...
...it hurts my heart.
Video message to daddy, take one.
Hi, daddy, I just wanted
to say I love you...
...and I'll miss you.
Don't be afraid, because
I know you're the bravest...
...and the strongest, and that
you're coming home soon.
Okay, Doug...
How do we get home?
Bearskin Lake.
That's where Duncan is.
That's 20 clicks.
Six hours.
Fuck.
Go with your gut.
Duncan.
Duncan!
Duncan, thank god.
Duncan?
Holy shit!
Oh shit.
Fuck, fuck.
At this point we can't
say with any accuracy...
...what the scope of the attack is.
The initial global air attack...
...targeted the world's largest
and most densely populated...
...cities and military installations.
New York, Los Angeles,
London, Mumbai, Beijing.
Get down!
Now, the initial global attack
only lasted...
...97 minutes, but it managed
to cripple most of the world,...
...communication, infrastructure.
All we know is that the attack
is of unknown origin.
Not of this world.
Now, the last reports we had...
...were that several alien
aircraft were shot down...
...by northern military defense forces.
Authorities have been
pleading with people...
...to get as far away from the densely
populated urban centers,...
...to get as far away
from them as possible.
And if you managed to escape,
and if you can hear me,...
...if you're out there,
if you're out there, good luck.
Major cities.
Jo.
At this point we can't say
with any accuracy...
...what the scope of the attack is.
The initial global
air attack targeted...
...the largest and
most densely populated--
You gotta be alive.
These will me to the channels.
I'll have to figure it out from there.
Hey!
Duncan?
What they hell are you doing in my boat?
It's me, Doug Woods.
Where's the rest of your crew?
They're all dead.
Dead?
What the hell's going on?
I don't have time to explain,
just get on the boat...
...and we'll talk while we're moving.
Mr. Woods.
I really need you to get out of my boat.
Duncan, I'm not arguing with you,...
...just get on the fucking boat.
You can just--
Fuck.
Checkmate.
There's a place just off the coast
In the middle of nowhere
Deep inside the hills
Sitting silently lives the lonely,
the lonely gunman
Counting up his kills
Oh yeah
When he was young
he dreamed of a life
Of growing old and happy
But he was so naive
'Cause you can never shoot a gun
Pull the trigger
With your heart on your sleeve
Oh no
He's come to terms
with a life spent alone
No room for love in
a heart made of stone
He made the choice oh so long ago
Between a woman and a smoking gun
There was a time he fell in love
And he was happy
With a woman soft and kind
But every time he closed his eyes
And pulled the trigger
He left a bit of himself behind
Oh yeah
Now he's haunted by the eyes
Of the lives he's taken
As they were making
their last stands
There is no amount of time
That can wash away
The blood from his hands
Oh no