Mascots (2016) Movie Script

Okay, let's see what we have.
Well, that is
one completely normal knee.
Just stay off of it
for a couple of days...
- Okay.
- ...and you'll be back to your old self.
-So, nothing serious?
-Nothing serious.
It's just a little strain and, uh-- Yeah.
When you go out there,
you wanna give it your all,
but you know,
you can go too far and then--
You just never know
if it's-- if it's your day.
Uh, at the game, I could feel that I
cranked it coming off the mini tramp,
-and I knew-- I thought--
-I was at the game.
And I--
-You were at the game?
-I was. I was.
You're a Herons fan?
-Herons all the way.
-Wow! All right.
-Great work, by the way.
-Thank you.
Both of you. Really enjoy it.
-What are you doing?
-You just had a piece of fuzz in your--
Okay, but you can tell me
with your mouth and not your hands.
- Okay. Well, you can also relax.
- Okay.
Just a little bit.
- For heaven's sakes.
- All right. Do you--
do you prescribe antidepressants?
Mascotting is not unlike a marriage
- in that it's about cooperation...
- Mm-hmm.
-'s about listening.
- Yeah.
Even if people are screaming
at you, you're not allowed to talk.
-And that's a good lesson for a marriage.
Fun story. Initially, we were going to be,
uh, Kevin the Killer Whale
and Tammy Turtle,
but then we discovered
that the killer whale is the natural enemy
of the turtle.
-And they'll...
You know, they'll just pop 'em open
like a pistachio.
Oh, it's like a special treat
for them, yeah.
Yeah, and they'll toy with them
for a half hour,
-and then just break their necks.
So, we had to switch it up.
Sometimes not even to eat 'em.
Just-- just for fun.
-It's a sadistic thing.
It's one of the few instances
of sadism in the animal world.
So, we thought,
"Well, that's not gonna work for--"
-"That doesn't fit."
-"It's not for the families."
And we don't just work together
on the field.
We are off the field over
at Rhea Perlman Middle School,
where we are both teachers.
Yeah, and they say that
those who can't do, teach,
and those who can't teach, teach gym,
and those who can't teach gym,
teach driver's ed.
But, uh, joke's on them
because I teach gym and driver's ed.
- I teach English.
- Yeah.
Maybe just up a little bit higher.
There you go.
Up, up, up, up, up and stop.
I have been running on fumes.
I've been running around
like a chicken with my head cut off,
and I think I've had maybe, oh...
ten hours' sleep this entire week.
But it's all gonna be worth it
the second the first mascot
walks through these doors.
We give away three Fluffy Awards
or, as we like to call them, "Fluffies."
Bronze Fluffy,
Silver Fluffy and Gold Fluffy.
And believe me, every mascot knows
just how important those awards can be,
because if one of the winners were
to sign a major league contract,
and it is possible that could happen,
they could quite possibly
end up making a six-figure salary
by this time next year.
Mascots are coming
from every place you can imagine.
Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky...
Oregon, Texas, New Mexico,
Georgia, Florida...
and then some other states, too.
Wyoming, Utah...
and several, several countries.
This year is especially important
because the Gluten Free Channel is sending
two executives to watch our show
and determine whether or not they want
to have it on television.
And if that happens, well...
it's like a whole new level.
Hello, uh, I'm Owen Golly Jr.
Um, I'm a third-generation
mascot and butcher.
-Uh, this is my wife, Sarah Golly.
She's not a junior.
Uh, if they're gonna put it
at the bottom of the screen,
-it reads, like, "Owen Golly, Jr."
And it's not. It's "Jolly."
Uh, granddad-- my granddad came up
with a little family phrase,
which is, "Golly, gosh, no!
We're not posh, no.
We're jolly, as in gay."
But it meant...
"Gay" meant something different...
-It was different in olden times. my granddad's day, uh,
which I discovered
on my first day at school,
when I corrected a teacher.
My classmates loved that one.
So, that was my nickname for a bit.
Golly the Gay, Golly Gosh Gay,
Gay Man Golly.
-Um... Kids can be cruel.
-Kids can be cruel.
What with that,
and me only having one bollock,
it's amazing
I made it through school at all.
Luckily, I could do this.
Yeah, so I'm a mascot,
for Willingham Rovers,
a non-league team in South Croydon.
Dad-- Dad was Sid before me,
and his dad was Sid before him.
-So, it's a bit of a family tradition.
-It's a family tradition.
It's a bit of a legacy.
It's not what I dreamed of doing.
Well, yeah, but your dad wouldn't
let you get away with not doing it.
No. God, no.
He was insistent.
Once his knees started going,
he was insistent that I took over.
But I enjoy it. It's fine.
It's all a bit of banter.
There's the standard,
"He runs, he kicks, he's got 100 pricks.
Sid the Hedgehog,
Sid the Hedgehog."
There's, um...
Which is not factually correct,
'cause my mom didn't cut my bollock off.
I lost it in a skateboarding accident.
I'm Cindi Babineaux.
I'm Alvin the Armadillo, or Armadilla,
depending on where you're from.
You can say both.
I studied music and dance therapy here
at the college,
and I was a cheerleader
in high school, so, um...
But studying dance was really, uh...
was really fun.
I love all kinds of dancing.
I can hip-hop. I can pop.
See, this is Alvin right here.
I love him.
I love, um-- I love putting on the mask,
and, um...
just being inside of him.
It's like I can be...
I can move any way I want,
and, um-- I love it.
It took me seven and a half years
to graduate, but I did.
And I lived and breathed
my mascot life, like, 25/8.
I loved it.
I've been doing it for a long time.
I went to the Fluffies five years ago,
and I got honorable mention.
And that means I'm--
That's like first place, really,
but it's a weird first place, and, uh...
So, I'm gonna go back again, and...
It could be my last time, you know?
This could be my last hurrah.
My swan song.
My name is Tommy,
also known as the Fist.
I am the official mascot
of the Blue Lake Mallards.
Lot of people say I'm the bad boy
of sports mascotry.
And to be fair, I am currently serving
six temporary suspensions
from different stadiums
for some physical incidents
that took place between myself
and some opposing players
and team mascots.
I'm also currently serving a lifetime ban
from the Calgary Cavaliers
for a...
sexual incident
that took place between myself
and their team owner's wife.
Hey! What is--
-Hey! Hey, stop!
-Get off! What are you--
-Hey, stop humping my wife!
-Get off me! Jesus!
I'm originally from Ireland.
My parents founded a...
religious commune,
I suppose you'd call it.
A spiritual community
called Highway to Heaven,
based on the spiritual teachings
of Michael Landon
in the 1980s' TV program.
It was around that time
that I got into sports mascotry.
I started as Kenny the Kangaroo
for a local high school football team.
And the part of the act
that people really responded to
was the fighting
that Kenny would get into at the end.
And so, eventually,
I just cut out the middleman
and went straight to the fist...
which I think works well, artistically.
My name is Phil Mayhew.
In my pretend life,
I am a real estate appraiser.
But in my real life,
I am Jack the Plumber...
official mascot
for the Beaumont College football team.
It is truly a dream come true for me.
Looking good, boys.
Looking good!
Kirby, what's up, bro?
Boys are looking good. Clemence!
What have we got,
the Cougars on Saturday?
That is a tough group of boys.
We beat 'em last time,
but, uh... you always gotta
keep your wits about you, don't ya?
-All right, guys. See you Saturday.
-Hey, come on, man.
Who was that guy?
I think the mascot is as important
as any member of the team.
'Cause when things are going good,
it's easy, but when they're bad,
that's when I come out of the tunnel
with a T-shirt cannon or a beach ball.
And I'm doing a pratfall,
or I'm, like, pretending
to grab the ref's butt
and turning around and acting all coy.
And that's when
the crowd is starting to laugh
and they're starting to get enthusiastic.
For me, it is that sound.
The sound of that crowd.
You can't really hear it inside the head,
but you can hear that there is a sound.
And for me, the sound of that sound...
that is the greatest sound in the world.
Well, this is my playground.
Isn't this something?
This right here is where
all the mascots are gonna be performing.
We're gonna have a judges' table
set up right over that way.
And then, of course,
the audience is over here.
A thousand seats,
and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised
if we sell out this year.
Uh, how high is this ceiling?
What do you think?
Just guesstimate?
Don't know. I'm not in that business.
Maybe 200 feet?
I'm in the business
of "it needs to be higher," though.
Hello, there. I'm Upton French.
I'm the program manager
of the Gluten Free Channel,
which is on your basic-tier cable package
that runs in over two cities nationwide.
The channel's owned by Panorama Datacom,
and I've done a bunch of shows for them,
starting with the sailing networks,
SN1 and 2.
SN1 went under, as it were.
You may remember,
it was a live television event.
We did Santa's Rocking Holiday Regatta,
and the boat carrying Santa Claus turtled,
and Santa just went right down.
He was gone,
and we never really lived down the name
the Channel That Killed Santa Claus.
But I licked my wounds.
I just kept going.
FRC was next,
the Fence and Railing Channel.
We did have
a very good-looking pole driver on there,
a very messy personal life
and a terrible driving record,
and then those things
generally play well with women.
- We love the bad boys.
- Yeah, do you?
- We love the bad boys.
- Isn't she funny?
Anyway, on from there,
we went to the Varicose Vein Channel,
which I had a big, uh--
a big success with.
Pulled in some very big numbers
on a special I ran
called Do the Backs of My Legs
Look Like Waffles?
That brings me up to the day
that I met this one here.
Well, I'm Jessica Mundt,
and I'm a junior executive
at the Gluten Free Channel.
And I am under this man's wing.
He's showing me the ropes.
I've never been out and about
like this before.
In the field.
So, I'm really
enjoying it quite a bit.
Uh, this guy picked me up.
I was working at the Elevator Channel.
Before that, I was a PA
on the hit show Does That Smell Normal?
-Does this smell normal?
-I can't tell.
everybody involved in that production
caught my eye because
they pulled these incredible numbers out
of this very difficult show.
And particularly Jessica here.
-"Lightning in a bottle" we called it.
-Yeah. There you go.
Oh, that's it! Oh, that's it!
Zook, let's go, man.
We gotta get going.
Go away!
We gotta hit the road, man.
We gotta do 2,000 miles in three days.
No, thank you!
Okay, I'll drive the first shift. Sure.
I've been a bouncer
here at Bushwackers
for about a little over two years.
Um, I actually met Zook first time...
It would've been in my hometown.
It would've been in Medicine Hat, Alberta.
And I was bouncing in a place
called the Cabbage Patch.
And that was kind of a crazy meeting
because he actually got into the club
dressed as the Fist,
and my manager was like, "Shut it down."
I was like, "What? This is too good."
So, they suspended him for a little while,
and he just came back, you know.
He came to me and he said,
"I need a straight man for my act,"
and I was like, "Right on, dude.
I'm straight and I party."
And he goes, "Well, not like that.
You would be in my act as a straight man."
He explained it to me
and I figured it out,
and it's been unbelievable since.
-Ah, got what you wanted?
-I got what I wanted.
- What did you want?
- Cod and chips.
-Did you get it? Good.
-I got cod and chips.
-Hmm. Nice!
-Look at that.
Willingham Rovers has been
sort of part of my whole life.
I pretty much grew up at Peacedale Park.
I was probably this high,
you know...
...just a nipper when I first went
to the ground.
I used to stand at the Flange Road end
behind the goal,
and, uh...
it grew from there, really.
And then, when I was 16,
on my 16th birthday, I got this.
The uh...
you know, the club tattoo.
There's a factory here,
and then there's two spoons.
And in 1905, the club was formed
by the workers at the pudding factory.
And they decided
they wanted to have a mascot.
So they had-- I think they
had trials that next week,
and my father, um...
Owen Golly Sr. Sr.,
got chosen to be Sid the Hedgehog,
and that began
what is really a family dynasty now.
All right, guys,
we've got to go, go, go, go, go.
- You got my bag?
- We're running late.
-I got it.
-Don't worry. He's got everything.
All right, Monty,
we need to step on it, buddy.
Hon, it's fine.
- Okay, we are late.
- We're really not that late.
Okay, yeah, but I always get chosen
for a TSA pat-down,
-so we need to--
-Well, you're very tall. It's obnoxious.
You fit the lone-shooter profile,
I think.
-Okay. You know what?
-Will you be careful with these?
What did Dr. Ezefee say
about hate speech?
-It hasn't always been easy.
You know, like any couple,
we have our ups and downs.
Which is normal.
And, uh, I think what...
sort of the watchword is
with us is "commitment."
We're committed.
Well, he slept with someone.
So... probably mention that.
-Cindi Babineaux.
-Yeah, Cindi Babineaux.
Five years ago at a mascot competition.
Can I help who's next?
-Remember that?
-And I would take the...
- Ladies? Ladies? Can I help you?
- Hey.
Identification, please.
Hi, there.
When we were in high school,
I got a note.
Laci passed me a note in class.
-In history class.
And it said, "I'm your sister."
And I was like,
"Yeah, I'm your sister. I love you."
We go to the same church,
so I thought it was--
-it was sister talk.
-Like sisters in Christ.
And she wrote me another note
and passed it.
It was one of them football notes.
And, um... it said,
"No, you're really my sister.
-We have the same daddy."
-We do.
Our chemicals are the same.
-Half of 'em.
-Half of 'em.
So, apparently,
and I found out when I was 16 that
my mother, who lives in Electric Mills,
had an affair with her daddy,
who runs a filling station.
And then, we have the same birthday.
-So that was the weird thing
-which made it even more personal.
-You know, when it rains...
-It pours.
- Yeah.
- It does. Well...
Because, later on that year...
-You had your accident.
-I had an accident.
Um, I had a little dream in my heart of...
going to college
on a cheerleading scholarship.
Oh, baby.
And I fell.
And she was so good. She was--
You were so good.
And I sprained my ankle,
and I had to hobble.
And then, you couldn't do the pageants.
So, that was--
Right. It kind of just wiped me out.
It wiped me out of pep rallies
and homecoming
and cheerleading,
and scholarship, and, um...
It took away a lot of purpose from me.
-But then you had your kids.
Yes, thank you for reminding me.
I have Ruby and Jamaica.
And, um...
They're 24 and 22 now,
so they're big. They're big girls.
And Ruby has a little one. Ruby Jr.
- She's a grandma.
- So she's a-- I am.
She's a granny!
I'm excited to get down
to Anaheim because
I'm gonna be around like-minded people.
'Cause, for the most part,
all of us are going down there
because we have a passion for this craft.
There's also another reason
that I am excited about going down there,
and... full disclosure, I reconnected
with an old classmate on Facebook.
Robin Wexler, the hottest girl
at Higbee High School.
But yeah, she wound up marrying
Steve Nunan, captain of the soccer team,
for which I was the mascot.
And now she is divorced,
and her grown son has moved out
of the house,
and she's living
in Orange County, California.
So... spoiler alert, we really hit it off
on Facebook Messenger.
And I have volunteered to perform
at a charity event that she's organizing
for a group of disadvantaged children.
So, I'm excited to get down there.
-Hello, there.
-Oh, hello. Welcome, sir.
Blumquist, AJ. They should have
the John Wayne suite ready.
Okay, we actually have you
for the Slim Pickens suite.
I don't think so.
I think I'm in the John Wayne suite.
I made a reservation.
I got a confirmation number right here.
-Okay. Yeah, let me take a look at that.
No, sir, you're actually
in the Slim Pickens suite.
-Huh. Gabby.
-Let me go ahead and get your card.
-How you doing?
-Hey, you-- AJ.
You think that name would be
on the tip of my tongue. I'm sorry.
After all this time. Uh...
I'm Gabby Monkhouse.
I'm in the John Wayne suite.
Oh, all right.
-One minute, Miss Monkhouse.
-All right.
Let me just...
I don't think it's overstating anything
to say that I was the first female
to bring notoriety to our field
as Minnie the Moose,
the Vernon Community College
baseball team's mascot.
I once held the splits
for the entire length
of an extra inning baseball game
in spite of excruciating pain...
and a severe severing
of my adductor longus muscle
that eventually required four hours
of surgery
and added two and a half inches
to my left leg, forcing me to retire.
And I...
I wrote a tale...
documenting that journey.
A-Moosing Grace. A Mascot's Journey to God
...and Success in Real Estate.
Well, my name is AJ Blumquist,
and I'm a former mascot, Danny the Donkey.
And I'm a judge this year
for the Fluffies.
For the two people that don't know,
Danny the Donkey, my mascot, alter ego,
was the first one to have
an anatomically correct costume.
That lasted all of one game.
Caused a lot of controversy.
But I have a lot of fans in Mexico,
south of the border,
Tasmania, Finland.
And I've had a lot of personal growth.
I see my role in the controversy
that was involved in that.
Not just the costume that I designed
and went out one day onto the field with,
but, you know, the muscle cars
and the large cigars.
You know, I was overcompensating.
Classic overcompensation.
But with support groups,
I've made a lot of progress.
And, you know, I-I--
I stay away from medical terms
like micropenis.
I'm phallically challenged...
and you know,
some of the great groups that I rely on
are Tom Thumb and Tiny Tim
and Pinky Promise,
that have helped me accept
who I am as a man.
And right now,
cochlear sex is really trending very hot.
You wanna just put in, "hashtag..."
In any of your social media,
"Hashtag, in your ear,"
and you'll see what's going on.
You have to be very careful
how you spell that, though.
So, make sure you spell it or say it,
"In your ear."
Otherwise, you know, people think
you're talking about something else.
Have a good night.
We're two days away
from the competition,
and I hope you're proud of yourselves
because, literally,
hundreds of mascots wanted
to compete in this year's competition.
And the judges and I went through all
the applications and the audition tapes,
and we even had to hire translators
because there are some
kind of weird languages out there.
And believe me, it wasn't cheap.
And we finally narrowed it down
to 20 finalists.
That's you people.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
I can see some of you out there
sizing up the competition,
looking at 'em and thinking,
"That's my arch enemy."
Well, not tonight.
Tonight, we are all friends.
In fact, could you all just take a moment
and say hello and meet-and-greet somebody
maybe you've never met before?
It's what we always do at church.
Isn't that fun?
God bless each and every one of you.
Hey, let's have a party!
- Hey, how's it going?
- Good evening.
Tommy Zucarello, plus one.
Uh, yeah. Tommy's in there,
but there's no plus one.
There should be. Um...
What about the Fist?
Is there the Fist plus one?
-Uh, the Fist?
No plus one.
No? Really?
Sorry, yeah.
It's not on the list.
Oh, you know what? He probably
did a nickname thing, "Dibs." D-I-B-S.
-Okay. I'll check.
-Yeah, I'm sure it's there.
-I'm sure it's there.
Is that a margarita machine?
That vanilla wrap is such a must-have.
I love it.
-It's a vanilla wrap?
-It's called a vanilla wrap.
-Oh, I've never heard that term.
-All right, strawberry as requested.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'm Mindy.
-Hi, Mindy. I'm Cindi.
-Mike Murray.
-Hi, I'm Laci.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Good to see you. Hi.
-You're a Babineaux?
-Are you feeling okay?
-Yeah. Yeah, I feel great--
Mike has IBS, so it's tough.
You know, you're having a great time,
and then...
Well, I've had three yeast infections
since my divorce.
I just wanna stick a hairbrush down there
and get it out.
This is our vendors' area.
We have 24 booths in all.
Three more than last year.
And this is, by far,
the best turnout we have ever had.
I don't know if you can smell it,
but the popcorn
is really, really going on strong,
which means people
are staying and buying things.
That's 'cause you're
probably smelling mine.
-It's right here.
-Oh. You're right.
But I also think
it's from other people, too.
It might just be hers.
-I think it's this.
-It could be.
- Hi. What's your name?
- Hi. Tommy.
-Tommy, this has been a delight.
-Oh, well, thank you so much.
-You bet, darling.
-Take care.
God bless, sweetheart.
You know, I could nudge some
of my people towards you.
They might enjoy meeting you...
even if they don't know who you are.
-No, no. I'm fine. I got a whole--
-You good?
There's a busload of people coming.
-Is that right?
-They must be a little bit late.
-I better call 'em.
-Hi! What's your name?
-Hi. Lindsay.
Have you ever spent
any time inside a mascot outfit?
No, I never have.
It's like, you know, walking around
with a porta-potty.
Porta-potties, I've been in. Many of them.
Then you know what that smells like.
-Let me share with you what I do.
-Oh, wow, please. Okay, I'm all ears.
I'm an aromatic engineer.
-Kind of an inventor.
-So, I'm gonna show you...
-Yeah, please.
I've come up with what I like to call
the scented cup.
I've got bruschetta.
-Bruschetta? Are you serious?
-Oh, yeah.
And then we have anchovy.
People from the northwest
are going crazy for this, this anchovy.
Oh, very interesting ones.
-Yeah, no--
-Anchovy and bruschetta.
You know, "Where's dinner?"
"Down here."
I can't tell you how excited I am
to be here.
You know,
I first fell in love with mascotting
when my second wife,
Lordes, and I,
we took our kids,
Muffy, Ponce, Sugito and um...
Oh, boy, what's her name?
She's always running around,
hiding under coffee tables
and behind sofas.
Never comes out in the day-- Maria.
Took 'em to a ball game.
And so, I found,
as the game progressed, that--
Well, they were watching the mascots
more than they were watching the game.
And I popped a lot of money
for those tickets,
so, you know, that got me interested
in mascotting.
And I go home,
and I start researching a little bit,
and it's fascinating
because so many people think
mascotting's been around for 200 years.
Wrong. So wrong.
I mean, you can go back to like 1500 BC.
The Egyptians, you know, they only paint
with everybody looking to the left.
You ever noticed that?
Life is one big left turn to these people.
If I lived then, I'd be on the right,
be something different, be fun, go nuts.
But I didn't live then, sadly enough.
Mr. Gammons, sir.
-Sorry I'm late.
-Oh, hi, Phil.
Yeah, I had a bit of a mesh tear
inside the helmet.
I had to find some electrical tape,
but we're all good.
Dogs are funny, aren't they?
You like dogs?
I like 'em, yeah.
-Hey, you put on some weight?
I like the outfit.
I've weighed 161 pounds
since 11th grade.
What have you got planned here?
I've been thinking about this act.
Um, well, you know, there's gonna be...
The toilet is up here.
-Center stage, in the back there.
-All right.
I'm gonna enter from over here.
Got my bag of-- bag of tricks.
-So, music starts.
I give it a beat or two.
Jack the Plumber enters,
and he's kind of big and looking around,
you know, "What's this? What's..."
I'm gonna drop my stuff,
my gear, there.
And that's when I clock the audience,
and then it's like,
"Come on, let's go. Let's go."
All the way across the front there.
Then I give 'em a little,
"I can't hear you. I can't hear you."
All right, let me stop you right there.
Why can't you hear them?
-I can't hear them...
-So, I like all this up to a point.
-But nevertheless, as a plumber,
you're gonna be very concerned
about your job.
-I'm sorry to interrupt you there--
that's when I'm gonna take
a bit of a break
'cause I'm gonna dance.
That's why I've been working
really hard on the...
And if you throw a little twist in,
the white-haired crowd
is gonna go mad, right?
Yeah. It's fun. It's generational.
But I'd like another button on there.
Something that's a little more satisfying.
And I think we can do it.
We'll put our heads together.
And plus, there's gonna be
some plumbers in the audience.
They're gonna be your toughest critics.
And they're gonna say,
"Hey, a plumber wouldn't do that."
So, you'll fool 'em
and show 'em the right moves.
The ladder comes down from--
Whoa! Hold on, hold on.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna do the ladder routine
that I've been working on.
Come on now. We talked about this.
I know we talked about it.
We've talked about it a lot.
But I really think now is the moment
for me to finish
with the big ladder routine.
Now, because there's a ladder here--
No, Dad, there wasn't just a ladder there.
I bought that ladder.
- You bought it? When?
- Yeah, I bought it yesterday.
I've been working on this routine
for months, Dad, and it's good.
-You didn't tell me about it.
-I have told you.
I've told you time and time again
about the ladder routine,
and you keep knocking it down.
I've seen the Americans' acts.
They're bigger. They've got big finishes.
They've got fireworks
and pyros and dancing girls.
-So we have to become American now?
-No, we're not coming--
We've got a beautiful routine.
It's lovely.
What we've got
is a British act that has tradition.
-I know.
-Tradition is good!
Our tradition is great.
Do you wanna piss on tradition?
Do you? Go to Her Majesty.
"Ma'am, why don't you go out next time
without your crown and scepter,
and wear a fez?"
Oh, yeah. "And carry a selfie stick.
And while you're at it,
have Philip bring along a ladder."
That's not what he's saying,
though, is it?
You're not listening to him.
-It is what he's saying.
-No, he's not.
He's just-- If you listen...
Oh, now, I'm not a good listener?
No, you're not a brilliant listener.
You don't tell him
how good he is often enough.
I'm always telling him how good he is!
Are you? Do you? I mean...
Well, maybe not in words.
But I love him!
I love him like a son.
He is your son.
Well, I know, but that's why I love him.
Well, you don't tell him.
And words are useful, aren't they?
Well done.
You should be a therapist, you should be.
Okay, right.
Well, all I'm saying is, sometimes,
you need to listen to other people.
All right, well, I'm listening to you now.
You take a few minutes,
play around with the ladder,
do what you wanna do,
then take it back and get your money back.
And I hope you've got the receipt,
'cause then you can get the tax back
at the airport.
So, have fun. I'm gonna have a cup of tea.
I'll see you in a while.
And I'll find a Jaffa Cake
and all if I can.
Behind the kettle, Dad.
-Oh, hey, Langston.
-Oh, we have got a problem.
-We got a big problem.
-Why? What? Why? What is it?
Benny the Banana Slug
failed his drug test.
-What? Why?
-Yeah, he's on ecstasy.
Apparently because he needs it
to do a pogo stick routine.
I don't know, but I found him
licking his lips and saying,
"Life is good. Life is good."
He just wouldn't shut up about it.
Well, you know what?
The Gluten Free Channel
can't find out about this.
-No, I know they can't find out about it.
-That'd be awful.
-That's the whole problem.
-What is it? What's happening?
Nothing. It's just-- I think a furry
snuck in, and he's scritching.
-What's a furry?
-It's not a big deal.
-What's a furry?
-A furry is simply
just someone who likes to dress up
like an animal with human characteristics.
It's a form of roleplay. It's huge.
-Yeah, that's great.
But then, the scritching thing you said,
what is that?
Scritching is simply
light scratching or grooming.
It's a form of affection.
Furries love to do it.
-I do that.
-It's fun for them.
-Yeah. Sure.
-Exactly. We all do it.
There was a bit of a thing in your voice.
I'm good at hearing things in voices,
and you had a thing with the scritching.
-What is it? Tell me.
-It has absolutely nothing to do with sex.
Only-- Well, 37% of them
apparently enjoy sex very much,
but that's not the point.
I was in the other room,
and one of them kind of bumped into me.
I thought the guy was going for my wallet,
so I turned around real quick.
It seemed different. The--
Did he yip or did he yiff?
He said, "Skip," and I said,
"No, my name's Buddy."
Okay, he yipped.
If he yipped, that means "hello."
If he yiffs... If that happens,
well, then you got a problem.
Yeah, you know what?
Might have been a yiff.
Might have been "yiff."
And I said he was going for the wallet.
More like he was going for loose change,
if you know what I'm saying. All right?
Well, if it happens again, just go...
I'm gonna say,
"Pal, you're gonna get this."
We have bigger fish to fry.
We have a drug problem.
And we got a sex problem
if you got people yipping and yiffing
and skipping and all that stuff.
-Hi, Cindi.
-How are you?
-Oh, it's so good to see you.
-Come here, you look so beautiful. Oh!
-Oh, so do you. Oh!
It is so good to see you.
And you too.
Oh, I've missed you.
I missed you, too. Mmm.
-How was your flight?
-It was a little bumpy, you know.
It was one of those small commuter planes,
and I kind of...
little bit on my blouse.
I had to wash it away
with a little moist towelette,
which was fun.
Well, you look great.
I don't see anything on your shirt.
-Thank you.
-I need you.
I need you.
You have this fairy dust that just--
It just helps me.
You are my favorite student ever
in the whole world.
You're my favorite teacher.
-You know that.
-Thank you.
-Thank you for coming.
-Thank you.
Knock, knock, knock. Hello.
-Hi! I'm Laci.
-What's your name?
Laci. Oh, you are beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
-May I?
Yes. Boner!
-Definitely, yes.
- Let me check.
- Oh.
We're gonna talk for a little bit, okay?
About some of the prep,
that I call it, for the show.
And I know that you have
the... whole physical thing going.
-I do.
-I wanna get inside that noodle.
Her inner soul, heart, mind,
all the nerves, that whole world.
-But we'll talk about it together, okay?
We'll probably see you
later then, I guess.
-Okay. All right. Bye.
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Nature is the great teacher,
and this exercise that I'm gonna teach you
is nature personified, okay?
I call this the crabby walk, okay?
So, you say, "Crabby walk,"
and crabby walk...
-Oh, okay.
And I'm not saying crabs walk like that,
'cause, obviously,
they don't have legs or big pants.
But crabby walk gets you
in a frame of mind of--
Yeah. That's crabby walk.
And you have to say it at the same time.
Okay. Crabby walk.
Right... but look up.
Don't be afraid of looking up.
There's something about
being in nature.
There's something about being in the wild
that always connected me to the world.
Hanging from a cliff, you know,
from a technical climb,
or-- or having crampons on,
which I like to do anyway.
But having crampons
on a glacier with an ice ax
and making my way, you know,
into a crevasse. You know, rappelling.
I love rappelling
because I love holding rope.
Again, in any situation.
But especially on the side of a mountain,
where you feel--
It's like nature saying, with a big hand,
slapping you across the face and saying,
"Listen. I'm here and so are you,
but in one second,
you're not here and I'm still here."
Which is pretty much
the best acting advice you could have.
-Keep your head low...
-Yeah, yeah. that Tammy's eyes are looking up.
-I know.
-I know how it works. Go ahead.
Okay. All right.
Oh, sorry. That was my fault.
-It was a little high, though.
Right, but I think, at this point,
what's less important
is whether or not you hit it,
more just where your eyes end up
because that's what
people'd be looking at.
Well, I'm not wearing a head,
so how can you tell where
my eyes are gonna end up?
-That was perfect, by the way.
Because it correlates
with where your head is.
I thought we were practicing this--
this part.
You're being impossible.
- Would you throw the ball?
- Yeah, I'll throw it.
But we're not on a team anymore?
-We're just two individuals?
-Throw the ball. What?
Okay, well, that was too--
-That came so close to my head!
You piece of garbage!
-Don't touch me!
-Why do you do that?
-You know what?
-Why do you do that?
You're at the wrong event!
You don't belong at the Fluffies!
-At the angry music club?
-You belong at the Succubus Olympics!
-That's what you should--
- Oh, my God! Hi!
- You guys are here.
You snuck up on us.
Mr. Lumpkin.
-Oh, you look beautiful!
-Thank you.
-I'm sorry for my-- I don't know what I--
-That's all right.
-We're just rehearsing.
-That's all right.
-You look-- Hello!
-Look at you.
-Hi, how are you? How are you?
Look at you.
You look like a sunrise.
- It's great to see you.
- I'm okay.
I'm a lucky guy.
Yeah, I'm just...
Well, I was gonna say
I don't know how it happened,
but I know exactly how it happened,
and, uh...
I was online one day.
I was kind of browsing
around escort services,
and this face stared at me.
And I just--
I mean, I remember,
I was like, "Oh, my God."
And it wasn't the beauty alone.
It was this sweet, sweet--
Oh, my God.
Honey, did I ever tell ya?
I'm crazy about you.
That's really sweet.
I like a guy that just thinks
everything I do is great.
And not only that,
but I mean, he was like,
"If you don't wanna do anything tonight,
you don't have to."
He was not--
he was not making me do a bunch
of weird stuff all in one night.
I spread it out.
But it felt respectful.
And I like how that felt, and he, uh--
And you liked
when I bought you the baseball team.
The day that I got her that baseball team,
the look on her face,
she's like a nine-year-old girl
at Christmas.
It was so sweet, and it just...
He put the team in my name,
and that meant a lot, too.
Yeah, my lawyer almost killed me,
but I did it.
Well, I'm awfully glad I have this woman
in my life,
and I hope she's here to stay. And...
I haven't left him,
and I think it's because...
he continues to show me a good time.
He tells me whatever I do is cool.
I mean, I'll make
some macram shit bag, you know?
And he'll just go, "That's a masterpiece,"
or something. You know what I mean?
Just don't make me carry it. Please.
And then he wants to sniff it.
He wants to sniff all my bags.
I do.
That's weird, but...
You know what? I'll take that
over some guy defecating on my head.
Hey, leave that cookie jar alone.
You deserve a good spankin'.
- What? Hi.
- Hey.
What are you going after there, sarge?
-Just tryin' to get some almonds up there.
-Here, use me.
-No. I'm okay. Thank you.
-All right.
Thank you, though. I got this.
I'm gonna take you with me
when I climb Mount Everest.
That'll be a fun trip.
Might be the first little guy
to be up there.
Have a seat.
Let me give you a hand here, buddy.
I can climb it. It's fine.
- All right.
- It's okay. I'm okay.
Yeah, I wanna help you
someway, man.
It's okay. You can help me
just by sittin' down. That's fine.
I can't take my eyes off of you.
You're a funny little guy.
You'd make a good mascot.
-Actually, I am. I'm a mascot.
My name is Ron. I'm the Worm.
Oh, you're the Worm!
-I've heard talk about you.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I think I saw you.
Oh, good.
Hope you liked what you saw.
-Yeah! I sure did.
Is that how you got to this size?
I mean, did they make you this size
just to fit in the Worm costume?
No, they made me this size
when I was born.
I was born-- I was born like this.
Oh, so, you're a legitimate little person?
Yeah, I'm not a fake little person.
Oh, I see. I thought maybe they
shrunk you down or somethin'.
-No, it's not like they--
-'Cause it's a very competitive contest.
Yeah, I don't think
that technology exists yet.
How do you drive a car? Does some--
Do you sit on someone's lap or what?
No, I just--
I bet it's a real tiny, little car, is it?
Tell me everything.
This fascinates the hell out of me.
I have a pretty standard car.
You have another little person down there
operatin' the pedals for you?
No, I basically just have
a metal rod that goes on top of a pedal,
and there's another pedal on top of that.
You just attach it with some bolts
and a wrench, and then you have a--
It's a pedal extender. And that's it.
You lost me somewhere in there,
but I guess it's all kind of--
I don't know if you know
who Jack the Plumber is.
-Yeah, the mascot. Yep.
-Well, I manage him.
-Oh, great.
-He's got a wonderful act.
He's missin' somethin'.
He's missin' a little button
at the end of his act,
and I got somethin' percolating
in my brain.
-But I need another person.
-All right.
-It's got to be a person of your, uh...
Okay, so you want me to recruit
a little person for you?
Another little person,
shorter than you even.
-Smaller the better.
-Shorter than me?
'Cause we all know each other?
Is that a fact? Well, all I want is one.
I'll go down into the tunnel,
where we all live
and, uh... blow into the magical horn
-that lets--
-You're funnin' me, but okay.
-You got a good sense of humor.
-I'll ask 'em.
Ask me for five bucks.
-I would like $5, please.
-I'm a little short this week.
Get it?
-Yeah. How you doin'?
I've been better.
-Long day?
Yeah. Me too.
My wife and I are doing this
never-go-to-bed-angry thing, you know.
So, I'm just exhausted.
-You know, we haven't been sleeping.
-I'm sorry.
-It's hard, huh?
-Yeah, it's really hard.
-You have a nice-- a beautiful laugh.
-Thank you.
-I don't wanna be too forward, but you...
-No. No.
-Thank you.
I don't hate your eyes.
-I don't.
That's nice.
They're like if two clouds had babies.
My wife says
that I look like I have cataracts.
And she says it so much
that I actually went to an ophthalmologist
and got it checked out,
and he said,
"No, those are just your eyes."
-I like your whistle.
-Thank you.
-That's cool.
I like to put my lips on it.
It's like a friend in my mouth.
Oh, you wanna try my gum?
-You wanna try my gum?
-Robin Wexler.
Holy cow.
-Look at you.
-Oh, God!
-It's so good to see you.
-Nice to see you, too.
-How long has it been?
-I don't know, it's--
Twenty-three and a half years.
So, you went to Higbee?
Yeah, of course.
Remember? I was the mascot.
You know, I just never knew
who was in there.
I remember the mascot.
I didn't know that was you.
-Yeah, that was me. That was me.
-God, it's so good to see you.
-Well, thanks for doing this.
Oh, are you kidding me?
It's my pleasure.
It's like it's a reason to perform
and also to reconnect with an old friend.
-God, we had so much fun, didn't we?
I guess.
Do you remember
Mr. Drum's technology class,
when you and I were partnered up to build
that bridge out of popsicle sticks?
And you were like, "I wish we could have
eaten these popsicles beforehand."
We were crackin' up.
I don't remember that.
Oh, man. It was good times.
I feel like I wanna give you another hug.
Oh, that's okay.
Why don't I give you a tour?
Sure. Sure, sure.
After Connor went to college,
I had all this free time, I thought,
"I wanna work with disadvantaged children
that are really pretty disadvantaged."
-Yeah, you wanna give back.
-I wanna give back. That's exactly right.
-I completely-- I'm with you.
-You know. But I mean, I get crazy.
Sometimes, I'll go to a movie
in the middle of the afternoon.
But I really wanna
spend my time giving back.
- You know, I just--
- I celebrate that.
I think mascotting is-- To me,
it's all about giving back, you know.
Robin, I don't know
if you're busy tomorrow,
but I do have a ticket
for the mascot competition in Anaheim,
and I was wondering
if maybe you'd like to be my guest.
That's great.
Do you care if I bring David?
I thought your son's name was Connor.
It is. David's my fianc.
We should get in. Let's go.
Oh, the kids are so excited.
- It says "center for the blind."
- Right. Right.
-Are all these kids blind?
-Oh, yeah, they're all blind. All of them.
I'm worried that my act
is gonna get kind of lost on them.
Oh, no, these kids,
they just wanna have a good time.
-And they're all blind?
-Yeah, they're all blind.
But the teachers can see.
Uh, no. Most of the teachers are blind.
Actually, we have one teacher
who's not completely blind.
He's legally blind.
-And where's he?
-He's home sick today.
Okay. Right, okay. All right.
Hey, you're gonna do great.
Have fun.
- Hi. Wow!
- Hey. Wow!
-You look happy and relaxed.
-Thank you.
You look good.
What do you wanna do?
I definitely wanna do
this jousting thing.
And they have a ladies fishin' night.
We can all go out on a boat.
Oh, no way. That is gonna be good.
This is Cindi.
-That's only $11 to go out on a boat.
-Oh, two for one.
Two of us can go for the same price
as one ticket.
I gotta go.
Hey, you okay?
I don't know!
What'd I do?
Miss Babineaux, a formal complaint
has been lodged against you.
It has come to our attention
that your college basketball team
is nicknamed the Leaping Squaws,
which means that your character
is in violation of rule 11B,
which states, "Mascots cannot represent
or be associated with anything offensive
based on race, creed,
gender or sexual orientation."
Well, um-- I--
I'm an armadillo,
and the team isn't called
the Leaping Squaws anymore.
That was, like,
100 years ago or somethin'.
it is still on the Internet.
Yeah, but I've read on the Internet
that man's living on the moon,
and that's not true, so...
And you can't trust Wikipedia, either.
Yeah, not everything on Wikipedia is true.
Who made this complaint?
I'm sorry, but rule 22C
states that the president cannot disclose
the identity of the formal complainant.
-I don't know what to say. Um--
-Please don't cry.
I'm an armadillo.
We're not the Leaping Squaws anymore.
I understand that.
But since you are representing something
that might be considered offensive,
this could be grounds
for disqualification.
I'm Choctaw.
I'll tell you what,
why don't you step outside,
and the jury can deliberate.
Sweetheart. Oh!
I just feel horrible.
-Well, yeah.
-Me, too.
I've never thought of "squaw"
as being an offensive term.
Never. Me too.
And frankly, I'm more offended
by the word "leaping."
-Well, it's blatantly homophobic.
I'm just not offended by the word "squaw."
It means a little Indian girl.
I think "squaw" is sweet.
You gotta quit saying that word.
It's the s-word.
It's a bad term.
Talk to your Native American friends.
It's the same as the c-word,
or the n-word or something.
You're comparing the term "squaw"
with the c-word?
-That's what it means.
-That's what it means.
You know, what we need to do is check
with the Indian guy in the gift shop
and ask him if he finds
the term "squaw" offensive.
But he's East Indian.
He's not Native American.
Well, what is the difference?
Well, one is in Asia.
One is in the American continent.
I always thought he was Pakistani.
I just called him Eddy.
-Eddy? Is his name Eddy?
Oh, God. I've been calling him Kent.
Oh, my. Well, it doesn't matter to him.
It doesn't matter to Eddy.
Call him whatever you want.
I'd like to make a motion that we
reject the claim against this young lady.
I would second that.
All in favor of the motion,
say "aye" and lift your hands up.
- Hey, babe.
- Oh, my God.
I know. I know. I'm not disqualified.
- You're not?
- I'm not.
-Yeah, sister. Yeah. So I'm relieved.
-That was an ordeal. It was nuts.
-I'm starvin'.
-All right.
-I'm really hungry.
-What do you want?
-I could go with, like, wings
or biscuits or like--
I kind of would love to try sushi.
Mmm... I don't know about that.
-They have fried stuff.
-Yeah. I think it'll be fun.
-That's exciting.
-Let's go. Did you pay?
I did. We're good.
-Mmm, delicious.
Its 9:00 a.m.
and 71 degrees in beautiful Anaheim,
and people are already lining up
for the World Mascot Association
Word on the street has it
that there are some unbelievable acts.
There are some seats still available.
So, why don't you grab a friend,
head on down there and check it out?
What was it all for, huh?
Dehydration, heat exhaustion,
the hours in the head, what was it for?
It was for today.
Failure is not an option.
Today is the day that you go out there
and you show the world who Phil Mayhew is.
Do it.
- Let me get that.
- Thank you.
Big ladder.
I know you.
-I don't think so.
You're-- We had the Mexican
the other day. It was spicy.
The Fist.
-What's the ladder for?
-Oh, this? The ladder, yeah.
It's for a new bit.
You know, for Anaheim, the big show.
-I really want to smash it.
And I'd had a bit involving the ladder,
but my dad's not too keen.
-Your dad?
-My dad was Sid before me.
-And his dad was Sid before him.
So sort of it's a family tradition.
We've all done it.
-They're not Sid anymore.
-No. No, I'm Sid now. Yeah.
So, what does it matter what they think?
Well, it shouldn't.
And I love Dad, and I love his routine,
but it's just not...
I really think it can be much better.
Sarah loves it. Sarah loves the whole--
-Your mom?
-No. No, not-- No, my wife.
Underneath that, there's a ring.
She's really supportive of--
She's my rock.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
She's my best friend.
Can I give you some advice, Hedgehog?
Yeah, of course.
There once was a boy who wanted a father,
but instead, he was promised an empire.
So when he didn't get love
from his father,
he went looking for that empire.
Not my words.
The words of Michael Landon.
Season 1, Episode 8
of Highway to Heaven.
Highway to Heaven. Wow, yeah.
Think about it.
Was he an angel?
-Keep climbing, Hedgehog.
-Thanks, Tommy.
Oh, good luck, mate.
Thank you.
-Hey, Cindi?
-It's open.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
The sushi...
it had bugs in it.
I'm so sorry.
People aren't supposed to eat live fish.
I know.
Pull over.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, shit.
- Pull over, now.
- Is that for me? Oh, bugger.
What do I do? What do I do?
What? Pull over.
You're driving
on the wrong side of the street.
Pull over immediately.
I'm not gonna be able...
-to go on stage.
I'm too sick.
No, you gotta do it.
You're Alvin.
You gotta get up there and do it.
Listen to me.
I put you down...
as my alternate.
You're gonna go out there and perform.
I can't do that.
You know it.
I don't know it like you do.
You are Alvin.
-It doesn't matter.
-But you've been doing it your whole life.
I can't go up there and do something
you've been doing your whole life.
Alvin is Alvin.
You'll put on the mask,
and you'll be great.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.
Welcome to the 8th World Mascot
Association Championships.
Please welcome our celebrity judges.
Well, thank you. Hi!
Good to see you all.
-When did you last see him?
-This morning at the hotel.
After his Coco Pops, he said
he was gonna go and take that ladder back
and meet me here.
Well, why didn't he do it yesterday?
He wouldn't have had to do it at all
if you hadn't told him to do it.
-Biggest day of his life.
-Biggest day of your life, more like.
He's never late for anything.
It doesn't make sense.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our first contestants,
from the Chanderaihi Cricket Club
in India,
Pointy and Grindy.
She's a pencil.
He'll get out, so...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What?
- What are you doing?
-Getting out the car.
-Stop right there.
I thought I was meant to get out
and come and--
-No. No, put your paw down.
I need to see your driver's license
and proof of registration.
Yeah, of course. I've got it.
It's in-- It's--
You need to be honest with me right now.
Have you been drinking?
-Have you been drinking today?
Yes. No. Yes.
-I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Have you drank any alcohol today?
No. No. God, no.
-Never drink and drive.
-Alcohol. Sir...
-have you been drinking alcohol?
I'm trying to get pregnant,
so I'm not drinking.
My wife's-- I'm not.
Hey, Mr. Gammons, sir.
Hey, Phil. How are you feeling? Nervous?
You got every reason in the world
to be nervous.
It all comes down to
the next few minutes.
You ever see anything like this?
A pencil
and a pencil sharpener.
That's one of the last joys in life,
sharpening a pencil.
It's hard to do that wrong.
Jack the Plumber to the stage.
That's me.
Remember, in this country,
you could be anything you want to be.
Now, go get 'em.
I want you to look
at the tip of my pen. All right?
With your eyes only, follow it.
-I'm gonna start again.
-You moved your head. You moved your head.
-No, I didn't.
If I told you you moved your head,
you moved your head. Correct?
-Yeah. I didn't think I did. Sorry.
-Tip of the pen.
-With your eyes only.
Here we go. Other side.
-I'm gonna start again.
-Let's do it.
-To the left. Eyes only.
-Yeah, eyes only.
-Okay. We're gonna move on.
-Are we done?
- Yeah.
- No. That seemed rude.
-I'll let you know when we're done.
-No, no. I know.
-All right, Mr. Golly? Feet on the line.
-It's "jolly."
'Cause I've got to get to the WMAs.
Let's give a big hand
to Pointy and Grindy.
Get out of the way.
Why did you tell him not
to bring his phone?
It costs a fortune
to phone foreign, don't it?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
from Beaumont College
in Modesto, California,
Jack the Plumber.
Oh, hello. You're too young
to be drinking that.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
-Dutch courage, is it?
Courage. You're drinking for courage.
I'm drinking for courage.
I'm in it to win it.
-Oh, good for you.
-Thank you. I'm gonna win this thing.
What's the act like, then?
What, you lie down
and a truck goes over you or something?
Um, sort of. It's really--
It's a modern dance piece.
-It's about women and fertility.
My favorite kind of dance is modern.
Okay, well, I hope you have
two eyes on the show tonight.
I will.
What did you say your name was?
Laci, with an "I."
Oh, that's beautiful.
-I put a heart over it.
-'Course you do.
I'm Tommy.
-Hi. I have metal on my hands, silver.
-We'll just...
-Oh, okay.
-That's all right.
-Maybe I'll see you afterwards.
I'll be the tall one looking at you.
Oh, my God.
That was Jack the Plumber
from Beaumont College
in Modesto, California.
Heshe and the Worm
to the stage, please.
Go get 'em, Tiny.
From the Tussolon Tigers
Canoe Team in Israel,
Heshe and the Worm.
-Hey, two things.
First, FYI, I found out it's free sausage
night tonight at the waffle place.
All you can eat.
Secondly, and more important,
how do you feel it went out there?
To be honest,
I was a little nervous about the poo,
but you know,
they ate it up, so to speak.
Couple of beats after the solo,
I missed a couple of steps, you know--
I didn't watch the whole thing,
but you did a great job.
-Hey, look at this.
That's Tiny. Did you meet him? The Worm?
No, I was distracted.
You know, they can criticize our country,
but if a rabbi can get together
with a worm
and entertain our citizens,
we got a pretty solid future.
Well, my head's still kinda
in the head right now,
so I'm gonna walk it off.
-Great job.
-Thank you.
I wonder if that's a real rabbi.
That was Heshe and the Worm
from the Tussolon Tigers in Israel.
Are you centered?
-I feel good. I feel great.
It looks, from your breathing,
like you might not be centered.
I'm doing the best I can with--
-What are you doing?
Tammy and Ollie
to the stage.
-What are you doing?
-What do you mean what am I doing?
-Will you stop being stupid right now?
-Did you see what your face did?
-Okay. I hear you.
-Do you know what your face did?
-I hear your criticism, and I validate it.
Our next contestants,
from the South Fork Herons in Kansas,
Tammy and Ollie.
Hey, partner.
What's the problem?
Oh, the greedy little bugger.
Do you have any coins?
For the paper machine.
Whatever you're smoking,
you got any more of that?
I've got loads of it
in the motor home if you want.
Lead the way, my honor.
You almost hit me with the ball,
you dumb dumbhead.
Okay. Round two, coming up.
- Too hard.
- What are you doing?
What do you mean what am I doing?
Is this what's happening right now?
Now, you're upset. I need you
to get out of my face right now.
- Idiot.
- Oh, I'm an idiot?
You're a criminal moron.
- You wanna drag us to hell?
- Idiot!
I'll go to hell with ya.
Oh, my shell!
Oh, my shell!
What are you doing?
You're ruining this!
You are really...
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- It's a huge part of my life!
I don't know what went wrong.
What? What?
-What are you doing?
-We're okay.
-No, we're not okay!
-We're okay.
-You ruined it. You ruined it.
-We're okay.
This place is massive.
He ain't in the building.
We've already been here!
This is the last place we look.
If he ain't here,
we're gonna have to call the police.
Call the morgue.
-Oh, my God.
-Well, where have you been?
-I'm here.
-Sorry, sorry.
-We've been going mental.
-I got pulled over by the Old Bill.
-You what?
And then
my policeman Tourette's kicked in.
-You're joking.
-I said stuff that I shouldn't have said.
-Oh, my God.
-You could have got shot!
-No, he did have--
-What's this doing here?
Stop worrying
about the poor little ladder, Dad.
-Shut up about the fucking ladder.
-Right. Okay.
-I love you.
-Oh, God.
I love you.
You're an old pillock, but I love you.
-Right, go.
-Smash it, babe.
Sit down, shut up.
Enjoy the show.
- Give 'em hell.
- Touchdown.
That's a match.
-Yeah, a match.
-Oh, yeah.
I made it.
Oh, sweetie.
-I made it.
-Oh, my God, you did.
-I know.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Oh, you still throwing up?
Throwing up and diarrhea.
-Oh, out both ends?
It's like a war going on,
but right now, it's stopped.
I'm sorry, babe.
you're gonna be great.
Thank you.
I'm sorry you can't do it. I really am.
It's okay.
I can't wait to see you do it.
But you're the best at it.
Okay, Alvin, do my sister good.
I'll be watching from the wings.
All right.
I love that you came.
Bathroom's on the left.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from Amelia Earhart College for Women
in Mississippi,
Alvin the Armadillo.
The mind bounces
and maybe won't stop.
My shell.
My shell.
What is language?
This smells like good stuff.
Does the job, Greg.
Um, here in the United States, we have,
in the state of South Carolina,
a place called Mount Rushmore,
I don't know if you've heard of it,
where they have a facade
of four of our Founding Fathers
on this mountain.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, you've heard of it.
George Washington...
Well, hell, everyone knows
the Founding Fathers.
What are you doing, Zook?
Let's go, man. We gotta get you suited up.
-Is that today?
-I'll be over in a minute.
-Hurry up.
Hello. This is Cindi.
- Hello?
Hello, Cindi. Who is this?
Why are you calling?
Why are you... you?
Who is this?
You've got the wrong number.
Was I ever here?
What happened?
We're sorry,
the number you have dialed
is not in service at this time.
That was Alvin the Armadillo.
You were amazing.
You were so good.
Thank you. Thank you.
We did it.
-We did it.
Sid the Hedgehog
to the stage, please.
Sid the Hedgehog to the stage.
Our next contestant,
from the Willingham Rovers
in London, England,
Sid the Hedgehog.
It's a squirrel.
It's a good routine.
Oh, gosh!
Sid the Hedgehog,
from London, England.
Very nice.
He did it!
Let's go and see him!
Let's go and see him!
The Fist to the stage,
please. The Fist to the stage.
All right? Good luck, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the Blue Lake Mallards in Canada,
the Fist.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Was it all right? Was it good?
-Yeah, tell me about it.
-Ladders, up, down...
...without breaking my spine.
It was immense.
Oh, thanks, Dad.
All those years in the shop,
I used to say to you,
-"Every carcass is different."
-You did.
Never listened to my own advice, did I?
-I'll tell you what,
I was a better Sid
than my dad ever was,
but... you, you're a better Sid
than I could have ever been.
-Oh, shut up, Dad.
-No. No, I mean it.
- Record that.
- Don't be silly.
-That's family progress, eh?
-That was progress.
-All right.
Fist! Fist! Fist!
Fist! Fist!
So, I hate to put you on the spot,
but which mascot was your favorite?
Favorite? Well, they're all
about as good as each other, I think.
I thought the pencil was pretty great.
He was great, wasn't he?
Please take 15 minutes
to stretch your legs
while the judges deliberate.
And I can't tell you how much I appreciate
you coming all the way from New York.
New York?
Well, yeah.
Your network's in New York, right?
No, we're at the Burbank office.
Yeah, we're in the Burbank office.
We just came down the 5,
took 30 minutes.
I didn't know that. Would you
excuse me just for a second?
- Yeah.
- Hey!
Get back here.
I got you this time.
You get back here right now.
Get back here. Stop that rabbit!
Why not take this opportunity
to visit our snack bar in the lobby?
We have a great selection
of candy and soft drinks.
I want him out of the building.
I want him on the street.
I hope you rot in hell.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this year's winners will now be announced.
Please welcome back our celebrity judges.
Well, the time is here.
It's what we've all been waiting for.
Can you feel the excitement in the air?
And next year, fingers crossed,
if we're really, really lucky,
we just might be televised.
Oh, my.
And of course,
none of this would be possible
without our main sponsor,
Mr. Buddy Campbell.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
Campbell Tile and Carpet.
You say it, we lay it.
You know, as judges we had
some very difficult decisions to make.
And no winner was unanimous.
Each one of us had
to serve as a tiebreaker.
So, I think that goes to show
the high level of competition,
and so, certainly,
congratulations to all the finalists.
And it is now my honor
to introduce to you, Gabby Monkhouse.
Thank you, Buddy.
Thank you so much.
And now, the World Mascot Association
Bronze Fluffy goes to...
Jack the Plumber, Beaumont College,
Modesto, California.
Plumber time!
Congratulations, Jack.
Well deserved.
Hi, there.
Thank you, Gabby.
Thank you so much.
The second place,
or silver category of Fluffy,
from the World Mascot Association
goes to...
Heshe the Rabbi and Willy the Worm,
Tussolon Tigers Canoe Team, Israel.
Congratulations, Heshe.
And now we'll go on,
to keep things moving,
to the first place, or gold, category--
No, I announce the gold category.
-You gave out the bronze.
-I gave out the bronze.
You gave out the silver.
Then I do the gold.
I'm getting a hand signal.
-I think they want me to continue.
-No, I am the senior judge, so...
-Just give it to her.
-I am the senior judge.
I will then surrender the mic to the lady.
Thank you. I wrote a book,
and I got more applause than you did.
-Oh, please.
-All right.
Well, it is my honor,
ladies and gentlemen,
to present the World Mascot Association's
highest honor.
The Gold Fluffy goes to...
Oh, I could read it
if you don't have it prepared.
No, I can do that.
Sid the Hedgehog,
Willingham Rovers, South Croydon.
Merry old England.
Congratulations, Sid. Congratulations.
Congratulations to Sid the Hedgehog
and all of our contestants!
Thank you all so much
for coming today.
We really appreciate it.
We'll see you here next year.
There have been some big,
big changes.
-Good, good changes.
-Good changes.
The mascot competition
was a tipping point for us.
-You know.
I mean, it was just a fiasco.
Emotionally, professionally, personally.
So, you know, we just took
a long, hard look at our lives
and said, "It ain't working."
And what do we need to do?
We need to change it.
And we have.
And I feel born anew.
-That's nice.
-Well, I do.
And, you know, it's springtime.
-Sorry about that.
-Sorry. I guess we can't help ourselves.
We're those people now.
The kind you're like,
"Could they really be that in love?"
And that really-- I mean,
that used to, literally, never happen.
No. I couldn't resist.
Part of what's helped,
and probably the biggest change,
is that we are no longer mascotting.
-The team was sold, and we were let go.
And we get to spend
way more time together.
Uh, we hired Courtney.
- Yeah, you hired her.
- Yeah, I did. She's our nanny.
-You've got something on your nose.
-Sorry about that.
-What was that?
You got something on your nose, I think.
-Where? Here?
You got it. Yeah.
You're good.
-You're welcome.
-Oh, sorry.
It's hard to thank people
when they hurt your face.
Oh! He's a little baby.
He's a little baby.
I'm a baby with an abusive mommy.
-Bad baby.
She has Munchausen syndrome.
Help. Help!
But, you know, and that's
the kind of chemistry that we have now.
-Yeah, it's fun.
-And it's fun.
Hello, Miss B.
How are you?
After the competition,
we both decided to volunteer
at the retirement home for mascots.
-And I find it very rewarding, you know.
I can use my dance,
and I can help heal people, really.
And I can move,
and they can watch me move,
and I see that they're movin'
through me and what I do.
I find it so peaceful, and I just--
I love old people, so...
I always have.
I love talking to them,
and I love being just quiet with them.
So I'm lovin' it.
And I feel so fulfilled, too,
because she's working on the insides
and I'm working on people's outsides.
I brought my nail art here,
to the seniors.
And, um... you know,
couple times a week,
I show up with my bottles of paint,
and my nail files and my brushes and...
You know, these seniors have,
like, gnarled up fingers like this.
Almost like a T. rex.
And they put their hands in my hands
and they open 'em up.
It's been an emotional day
'cause we lost someone today.
Steve Redington.
He was Randy the Elephant.
He was a great, great man.
You know,
Randy will always be alive.
'Cause, you know,
mascots, they don't die.
That's right. They don't.
They don't. They just, uh...
They just hang in a closet.
Yeah, 'cause they're-- It's an outfit.
It is. It's an outfit.
So much has changed
since the competition.
The biggest news being...
-We done a little baby, didn't we?
We done a girl baby.
The best sort of baby.
Like you, yes.
It's Daddy.
Well, what else has happened?
Oh, um...
I sold the butcher's...
and Sarah and I now run
a lovely little vegetarian caf in Purley.
Excuse me. Purley.
Very posh, isn't it?
-Is Purley posh?
-We're posh.
I still eat meat...
I'm not mental. I love meat.
But it's easier to prepare
vegetables than meat.
What else?
Sadly, I've had to hand the mantle
of Sid back to Dad.
He's always loved it more than I did.
And plus, I get out on top.
Quit while you're ahead.
Champion. Undefeated.
Best mascot in the world,
ever... that year.
It's been exciting, you know,
just to be celebrated...
and to be appreciated
for excellence in my field--
That's one piece of it,
and then the other piece is that it has
kicked open some doors for me.
I got a really great job
playing Jack the Plumber at trade shows
for a company that makes high-end rivets,
and it's enabled me to quit my job
as a real estate appraiser.
I make a third of the money,
but I'm 50% happier, so...
You do the math.
The gold would have been nice,
but... next year.
I think a lot of people say,
"The glass is half empty,"
and "The glass is half full,"
and for me, the glass is not half empty,
and the glass is not half full.
To me, the glass is full.
It's always full.
Sadly, my career in sports mascotry
was cut short due to an injury I sustained
when a pro wrestler came home
to find me involved in a very lewd act
with his wife and his sister.
But when I woke up in the emergency room,
I thought to myself,
"Tommy, is this it? Is this your life?
Are you at rock bottom?"
And that was when the nurse told me
that I also had syphilis.
Now, I didn't even know
that you could still get syphilis,
but you can.
And while I'm at it,
if you're a young lady
between the age of 48 and 68
in Manitoba, Canada,
you probably have it, too,
and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for your syphilis.
But as I lay there in the hospital bed,
nursing my shattered ribs
and my pulsating groin,
I looked up at the television,
and Highway to Heaven was on...
and Michael Landon stared back at me
through the screen as if to say,
"Tommy, become a bloody monk."
So I did...
and it's going well.
Strictly speaking,
I took a vow of silence.
But you know, fuck it.