Me, Myself & Irene (2000) Movie Script
l got a star on my car
and one on my chest
A gun on my hip and the right to arrest
l'm a guy who's the boss on this highway
So watch out what you're doin'
when you're drivin' my way
lf you break the law
you'll hear from me, l know
l'm workin' for the state
l'm the highway patrol
Well, you'll know me when you see me
'cause my door's painted white
My siren a-screamin'
and my flashin' red light
l work all day and l work all night
Just to keep the law and order
tryin' to do what's right
lf l write you out a ticket
then you'd better drive slow
l'm just a-doin' my job
l'm the highway patrol
l'm the highway patrol
the highway patrol
My hours are long and my pay is low
But l'll do my best
to keep you drivin' slow
l'm just a-doin' my job
l'm the highway patrol
Meet Charlie.
Helpful dad, upstanding citizen,
and an 1 8-year veteran of the greatest
law enforcement agency in the land:
the Rhode lsland State Police.
That's Charlie's home.
Modest, like the man.
Even though he lived on the water,
Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer,
which will come into play
a little later in our story.
But l'm getting way ahead of myself.
You know, maybe it's best if we just
go back and begin at the beginning.
As a young man,
Charlie had the world by its bootstraps.
He was the best young trooper
on the force,
and was dating
the prettiest and smartest gal in town.
Her name was Layla. . .
Just like the melody.
Charlie,
you've no idea how much l love you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Well, will you stay with me
no matter what?
Of course, Charlie.
What if l had to move to the Arctic
and you could never come home
and had to eat whale blubber for the rest
of your life? Would you still stay with me?
Yeah, l'd stay.
But l hope that never happens.
Yeah, me too.
Well, by springtime
they had made it official.
Boy, let me tell you,
that was some wedding.
lt was presided over
by Father Ken Gumbert,
and half of the Rhode lsland
State Police Force was in attendance.
-Congratulations, Charlie.
-Thank you, Captain.
All right!
Look what l got!
Here you go.
Excuse me, do you people take checks?
Say that again. Do "we people"
take checks? You mean a black man?
No, no, no, no! God, no. Your company.
Don't give me that bullshit!
That was a racist slur.
-No, it wasn't. l would never. . .
-Tell you what, l'll make it easy for you.
Why don't you just pay me in cotton
or a cartload of watermelons?
Or how's about some fried chicken, 'cause
you know black people love fried chicken !
-Hey, no, come on now.
-What's going on?
This cat don't believe a nigger knows how
to cash a check! Ain't that 'bout a bitch?
Charlie, l don't wanna ever hear you
use the n-word in this house.
What!
l never said anything remotely racist!
-Oh, so it's a "little people" thing, then.
-No!
You think just 'cause l'm small you can
push me around? Come on, let's boogie.
l'm gonna give you a little lesson
in low center of gravity.
Stop it! Cut it. . . Stop it now. Sir!
Don't patronize me with that "Sir" crap!
Hey, those are illegal. Stop.
Oh, it's on now. lt's on !
-Charlie, don't hit him !
-Me?
Charlie! Stop it! Charlie, stop it!
Let me handle this. Stop it!
Excuse me, Mr. Jackson. . .
Stop it! Wait. What is your first name?
lt's Shont.
Shont, l am so, so sorry. l apologize.
Come on here.
Let me walk you to your car.
l have no patience for people
who judge books by their cover.
And you shouldn't have to!
Treating me like a dumbshit!
l mean, who does he think he's talking to?
l'm a professor of molecular genetics
at Brown.
And l'm head
of the Boston chapter of Mensa.
-You're kidding?
-No.
l'm just driving this limo
as a sociological experiment. That's it.
But Mensa?
l'm president of the Providence chapter.
No kidding.
Just when Charlie thought
life couldn't get any sweeter,
old Mr. Stork dropped in
to pay him and Layla a visit.
lt's a boy!
Oh boy, oy, oy.
Wow!
He's so. . .
Wow!
Whoa, you're in luck!
He's got company!
Push ! Push !
Charlie loved those boys so much,
he just couldn't face the truth.
And so he went on with his life
as if everything was normal.
Hey, Finneran.
Hey, buddy.
-Hope you brought your appetite with you.
-Oh, l did.
-Charlie, your kids look great.
-Yeah, don't they? Thanks.
Charlie,
just between you and me,
d'you ever notice
that your kids have a year-round tan?
Yeah, well. . .
-My great-grandmother's half-ltalian.
-Half-ltalian?
Well, that's probably why
the water beads off the hair, huh?
Yeah, so? l mean, a lot of people
have different kind of hair.
What are you getting at?
Well, no, l'm just saying it's. . .
Come on, goddamn it! Those kids' dicks
are bigger than them sausages!
Knock it off!
You're talking about my children.
-Since you brought it up, l wanna ask. . .
-Finneran !
Get over here. lt's your turn.
Charlie. . .
Don't mind me.
lt's just the beer talking, you know?
Sure.
There's something powerful
bubbling up inside me, Father.
And l'm afraid that some day,
if l don't do something, l'm gonna explode.
Where does this rage come from, my son?
l don't know. lt's a lot of things, really.
Take my wife, for example.
l love her like no other, but. . .
Part of me suspects
that she may be having an affeir.
And l'm probably
just being paranoid here, but. . .
l get the feeling that the entire town
is laughing at me behind my back.
Charlie, that you?
Eventually,
Charlie's worst fears were realized.
l'm so sorry, Charlie.
Really, l am.
But l have to do this.
l found my soul mate.
But. . .
l thought l was your soul mate.
Come on, legs! Let's roll, baby.
l don't know what to say.
l guess the heart just wants
what the heart wants.
Bye, Charlie.
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
She'll be eating blubber all right,
just as soon as l free willy.
lt's funny how a man reacts
when his heart gets broken.
Some break down and cry like a baby.
Others, they take out an Uzi
and climb a clock tower.
But Charlie Baileygates
didn't seem to react at all.
He just swallowed hard, felt that slab of
heartache slide over the lump in his throat
and he locked it all away.
As you can imagine,
it wasn't easy for little Jamaal,
Lee Harvey and Shont Junior
growing up without a mom.
But Charlie made that little house
into a big old home,
and the boys flourished.
Let me tell you, they were smart ones.
-What are you building, fellas?
-An airplane, Daddy.
Bye-bye!
Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work.
Love you, Daddy!
No! Hey, stop it!
Get. . . Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble!
Get off that! Don't you take off in that!
How many seas must a white. . .
Shont Junior, how can you keep
eating that crap and never gain weight?
l don't know. Just lucky, l guess.
-How many times must the cannonballs. . .
-Do you believe his voice?
-That's Gomer Pyle!
-Before they're forever banned?
Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor
on HBO?
Richard Pryor?
Please.
Okay.
ln Africa, though, l go out in the country.
You see some lions and shit.
l'm talkin' about real lions.
Not them kind
you be fuckin' with in the zoo.
You know how you go fuck with a lion?
"Hey, lion ! Motherfucker!"
Be throwin' shit at it. Lion'd be "Oh, ooh."
As they have a way of doing,
the years passed somewhat regularly.
And the boys, well,
they came into their own.
. . .toss my salad !
The guy's like "Toss my salad?
What's that?"
Having your salad tossed means having
your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup.
l prefer syrup.
He's a funny motherfucker!
Although Charlie's police work had started
to suffer, the kids were doing great.
Damn ! l can't figure out the atomic mass
of this motherfuckin' deuteron.
Shit. Man, that shit's simple. Lookit.
-Tell me this, tell me this.
-What?
What's a deuteron made up of?
Duh ! A proton and a neutron.
Then what's this motherfuckin' electron
doin' right there?
-Shit, l don't know.
-Well, get it out of there then !
OK, so you're sayin'
l add up the atomic masses
of the proton and the neutron, right?
l sees that, but what do l do with
the goddamn electron? Can l put it here?
Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his
motherfuckin' grave if he heard that.
He'd just turn over ass up in yo' face.
Man, Jamaal.
Just cut my man some slack.
l'm just trying to help him save face.
He keep askin' questions,
they'll think he's stupid.
-l ain't stupid.
-Mornin' , fellas.
Hey, Pops, how you doin' , man?
-What's all the commotion?
-Oh, just school shit and shit.
-How's my little guy doing?
-Struggling.
Quantum physics is confusing. lf l don't
buckle down, l'll get myself another B+ .
Oh, that'd be whack.
He's so fucking dumb,
he thinks calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Give it up, dawg.
Well, you think polypeptide's
a motherfuckin' toothpaste.
Oh, l gotta get out of here.
l don't wanna have to bust a cap.
Kisses.
Daddy.
-See ya later.
-Love ya.
Yeah, Charlie was getting
a lot of respect inside the house.
But outside. . .
Well, that was another story.
Mornin' , Ed.
Charlie.
Ed, did you see
where my paper went today?
The wife's got it in the shitter.
Well, could you tell her to throw it
on the porch when she's done?
Can't you get one at work?
Yeah. . .
l suppose l could.
You betcha.
l'd like that
lf we could cycle down some lane
l'd like that
lf we could ride into the rain
No macs, getting wet
l'd be your Albert
lf you'd be Victoria
Ha-ha, we'd laugh
because each drop would make me
Grow up really high, really high
Like a really high thing, say a sunflower. . .
-Hey, George, Herb.
-Hi, Charlie.
-How do, fellas?
-Hi, Charlie.
-Listen, Dick. . .
-Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one!
Oh, yeah ! That's what Daddy likes.
lt looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.
-A couple of Hindenburgs, huh?
-Oh, the humanity!
Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.
"She's a mom !"
-She's a mom. Not my mom.
-She's a yummy mummy!
You kill me!
Sure, that is good.
Listen, Dick,
l'm sorry to bother you like this but. . .
Your car is gonna have to be moved.
Yeah, sure, Charlie. OK. l should be
done here in another 1 0 or 1 5 minutes.
l hate to be a stickler, Dick, but. . .
The law says you can't park in one place
for over an hour,
and you've been there for. . .
Going on three days now.
All right, all right. The law's the law.
Park it up behind the grocery store,
will ya, Charlie?
Yeah, sure.
This one?
There's an old saying: an ostrich with
his head in the sand makes a lousy cop.
You see, if you can't deal
with your own problems,
well, it's hard to deal with others.
Sweetie? That's kinda dangerous.
Wanna move it on to the sidewalk,
away from traffic?
My dad says you're a joke
and l don't have to listen to you.
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion.
But l am an officer of the law,
and, by all rights, l could. . .
Fuck off!
You should watch your mouth, little girl.
Excuse me. Charlie!
Hey! You mind if l get ahead of you?
l'm in a wicked rush.
-Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.
-You're a doll.
Hey, kids! Over here! Now!
Didn't l tell you to stay with me?
We're gonna rock you
VagiClean, huh?
What's the matter, honey?
Little extra cheese on the taco?
-Excuse me?
-No, excuse me.
There's no tag on this.
Price check on VagiClean, aisle five.
l repeat: price check on VagiClean,
aisle five.
That's VagiClean.
We got a customer with a fallopian fungus.
She's baking bread
and l think it's sourdough.
Put a rush on that.
Hey, big guy. Did you hear the news?
My son Billy
got the lead in the high-school musical.
Well, l guess he likes the cock after all.
-Still wanna skip rope in the street?
-l'll tell my daddy, Charlie!
Wrong answer.
And the name's Hank, fuckface.
Reciting memorized lines
And l'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment
No, no, l'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment
l have no love but only goals
How very empty is my soul
lt is a soul that could easily kill
And l'm not fit to touch. . .
There you go, Dick. l parked it for you.
By the way,
you got a headlight out.
That looks good.
-There you go, Colonel.
-Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.
Colonel, something's wrong with Charlie.
-1 -X to 1 -1 2.
-1 -1 2 responding.
Of course, there's not much
about this sort of thing
in the Rhode lsland State Police manual.
So they sent him up to Boston to see
a team of highly trained head doctors.
They quickly identified the problem.
You got a major screw loose.
Doctors have diagnosed you
as having a "split personality."
A schizo.
-l don't remember this.
-That's because, according to that report,
it wasn't you that this was happening to.
lt was this other guy.
Hank.
-Said his name was Hank.
-And apparently Hank is trying to get out.
Trying to get out?
What do you mean "get out"?
-How did he get in?
-You created him.
By not dealing
with your problems, Charlie.
Ever since. . .
Well, you know.
You've been avoiding confrontation.
-But this guy inside.
-Hank.
He doesn't. Doctors feel that you've
created this character out of necessity.
You never stick up for yourself.
Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation
when Layla left?
Why would l?
You know, wives leave their husbands
every day in this country.
That's no reason
to short-change the department.
l mean, it's not like l had the flu. . .
Have you picked up your medication?
l'm really not crazy about it, though.
lt makes me so dry.
You have to take it anyway.
Dr. Rabinowitz assures us,
if you do, everything'll be fine.
This is a bunch of crap!
No wonder you're the smallest state.
Little mind, little state.
Shouldn't even be a state.
Should be a district.
Can you take these goddamn things off?
And could you stop lookin' at my ass!
Pritchard, what's going on here?
Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, lrene P .
l pulled her over on 95
for a broken tail light.
l ran a check. She's got
an outstanding warrant in New York.
-Hit and run?
-Hit and run.
lnjured pedestrian signed the complaint.
Well, l think l might remember that.
That is ridiculous.
l've never been in an accident.
Not in my whole life.
Well, l've just gotten off the phone
with the New York State Patrol.
They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.
-Look. . . How can we fix. . .
-Were you in Massena last Friday?
Well, yeah, l live there.
But l didn't have any accident.
l'm just driving down to Block lsland
to see my sister.
You seem like a nice guy.
ls there any way that you might let me
handle this by mail or. . .
Unfortunately, Miss Waters,
l'm not the one you have to convince.
lf there's been a mistake,
you have to clear it up in Massena.
What?
Because of somebody else's mistake,
l have to get in my car and drive
all the way back to upstate New York?
No, ma'am.
We'll have one of our troopers escort you.
Hey, Hollywood,
turn your fuckin' phone off.
-Yeah?
-You're an asshole.
Oh, hello, lrene. What'd l do now?
Listen, l'm at a police station
in Rhode lsland.
They're shipping me back to Massena
on some bogus crap.
-Sound familiar?
-l don't have a clue
-what you're talkin' about.
-Dickie!
Cut the bullshit!
Listen to me, OK?
lt's over, Dickie. lt's over.
So please just stop messing with me
and call your friends
and tell them to back off, OK?
Look, l'm being a straight shooter.
lf you need help, l'll help you.
Just give me all the details
and l'll get to the bottom of it.
Massena, New York!
Goddamn, Daddy! That's near Canada!
l know, l know. Wasn't my idea.
l gotta take this gal up north,
and then the colonel ordered me
to take a week's vacation.
A week's a long motherfuckin' time.
He wants me to rest
while l'm getting used to the medication.
Oh, come on. You don't have to worry
about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.
These two can do the shopping.
l'll do the cooking.
You do the cooking? Man, you thought you
got chipped beef from a toothy blow job!
You're gonna have Shont Junior
down or under goddamn 400lb. Fuck that.
Can't have that happen. OK, guys.
l'm not leaving till the morning, but you
know the rules: no bitches after eleven.
-All right, Pops.
-Yeah, man.
-Got you, Papa.
-Love you, Daddy!
So who the hell's
this lrene honey anyway?
She worked for me the past two years.
l hired her to be my golf-course
superintendent. We got close.
No, you got stupid !
For the love of shit, these are
the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie!
And me too!
How much does she know?
She might have gotten wind
of some things.
Yeah, well, we're gonna find out.
The complaint was signed
by a guy named Peterson.
-He's with the EPA.
-EPA? l thought they were in our pocket.
Well, not all of 'em.
Even though Charlie didn't
wholeheartedly agree with the top brass,
he did as he was told.
-Careful on the road, Charlie.
-OK, Colonel.
-Hang on, ma'am.
-Yeah.
This vacation is just what Charlie needs.
l bet he's a new man when he gets back.
lf we let him back.
What do you mean?
Well, l mean that
he's become a pretty big liability.
We may have to let him go.
Let him go? But, Captain,
police work is Charlie's whole li. . .
l know, l know, damn it.
l know.
l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin' . . .
lt's a great time of year to ride, as long as
you don't mind one or two bugs.
l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing
l hadn't been tryin'
The train came in breathless
The passengers restless
He said "Baby, you'll never change"
You gotta get goin' , you gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down
For no one
lt's a carnival callin' out to you
lt sounds like a song
lt hits you like Scripture. . .
Boy, you can't beat the open road !
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go-round?
Hey, look, the world ain't slowin' down
Oh, no.
Oh, my goodness.
Jeez.
Those damn truckers.
You know, you think they'd call someone
to come clean this up.
Poor thing. That's terrible.
By the looks of her,
she's been here for a while.
Well, l doubt we're gonna be able
to move her, but we should try.
You wanna get that end? Give it a push?
-Really?
-Yeah, we should give it a shot.
-OK?
-OK.
Go ahead. Just push as hard as you can.
Yeah, OK.
Jesus! Holy. . .
-OK. . .
-lt's still alive!
-Just stand back. l'll take care of it.
-Oh, God ! That's terrible.
Now, don't look, OK?
Well, old girl.
Your suffering's over.
Oh, it ain't always easy
doing Mother Nature's work.
-Do you believe that?
-No, it's. . .
My God in heaven !
What is wrong with you?
Die!
Let go! Let go, girl !
On to greener pastures, come on. They're
clear-cutting a place in heaven for ya.
Come on ! Help me out!
-But. . .
-Do something !
-l don't. . .
-Let go!
Let go! Go!
Well,
that was tough, but. . .
l think we did the right thing.
Patrol car, yes. OK, thank you.
-Can l help you?
-Baileygates, Rhode lsland State Police.
l have your prisoner,
Miss lrene Waters, here.
-All right. l'll tell them you're here.
-Okay-dee, ray-dee.
What are those for?
Oh, it's just this stupid thing.
l have to take a pill every six hours
or l feel funny. No big deal.
What's it called?
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Does your ass feel numb?
No, but. . .
They give me unbelievable cottonmouth.
-l meant from the ride.
-Oh. No, no.
Over the years
my ass has taken a pounding.
My name's Peterson.
This is my partner, Agent Boshane.
We're with the Environmental Protection
Agency's Special lnvestigations.
The EPA?
What'd l hit? A baldheaded eagle?
We'll explain that to you, ma'am, but right
now we're gonna ask you to come with us.
Well, why don't you just
explain it to me now?
We put your hit-and-run report out
on the wire in order to track you down.
Track me down for what?
Agent Boshane?
l want to remind you again,
our station's at your disposal.
You're welcome to use
our interrogation rooms.
We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke,
but we're all set.
Right. Well, if there's anything at all l. . .
Excuse me.
l'm just gonna. . .
Get myself a drink of water.
So, if l could just get someone
to sign this, l'll be on my way.
Yeah.
Well, Miss Waters, good luck.
l hope everything works out great for you.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
l haven't done anything wrong
and you know it.
What about the marijuana roaches you left
when you moved out of your apartment?
So l smoked some pot.
What is that, a crime?
As is being an accessory
to bribery, embezzlement,
-tax evasion and racketeering.
-What are you talking about?
Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell?
His company, Cedar Creek Limited, has
been under investigation for 1 8 months.
How does that make me an accessory?
l laid sod on Dickie's golf course. So what?
Tell me this. A big operation
like the Cedar Creek Country Club.
How'd you become
the head greenskeeper?
By default.
This guy, Tedeschi or Tedesco,
he was hired before me, but he died.
Heart problem or something.
The feds believed that lrene
knew more than she thought she knew,
and her life was in danger.
They explained that everything
had been happening under her nose.
Payoffs of government agencies,
threats to those who stood in the way.
And her predecessor's heart attack?
Well, that was just cold-blooded murder.
Oh, man !
Can you excuse me?
Pizza kid.
-How much?
-That comes to $1 3.95.
Son of a bitch !
lt was a good thing Charlie had told her
he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese
Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.
Charlie?
lrene finagled the key from the front desk
and let herself in.
Charlie!
Charlie, what's going on here?
lrene?
lrene, l was just. . .
l was gonna study your file
and try to find a loophole.
Did your lips get as chapped as mine
on the ride down?
Never mind. l need your help.
There was a shootout at the thing.
The agents are dead !
-Dead?
-Yeah. They were after me, Charlie!
Oh, God. This is Dickie's work. l know it!
So what are you gonna do?
-We'll call the police.
-What? No, you can't do that!
Dickie has those guys in his back pocket.
That's why l came to you.
Hey! This is serious shit!
You don't. . .
-l'm outta here.
-Hey, wait! No, don't do that!
Come on, hold on.
Just let me think for a second. OK?
Think someplace else.
This is the first place they're gonna look.
Damn it!
So where are we going anyway?
You'll see.
Well, they went on the lam for a bit, and
then Charlie made a couple of phone calls.
Take it easy now.
-Charlie!
-Don't worry. l'll take care of it.
Hey.
-Good work, Baileygates.
-Thanks.
Sorry l had to meet you
all the way out here.
-That's OK.
-lt's just as well. Poor gal's paranoid.
My kids are like that. They have this idea
that the cops are the bad guys. . .
Listen, l don't know what's going on
and l didn't tell the feds anything. . .
Dickie told me you were street-smart.
Why the hell would you run to this idiot?
Drop the gun, moron.
You're being video-taped.
-What're you talking about?
-There's a camera on my bike.
Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?
Score. Good move.
Get in the car.
Come on, come on, come on.
D'you mind telling me
what you were thinking?
Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid !
Tweak the high end
on your emotional EQ, sweetbeak.
The funky chicken was Charlie's dance.
l'm a tango man myself.
As you can imagine,
there was some explaining to do.
So Hank, as he called himself,
found a quiet spot
and spelled out the whole darn mess.
OK, so what you're saying
is that you're not Charlie.
You've seen Charlie in action.
He's like origami: folds under pressure.
When the big game's on the line,
he's busy riding the pine.
OK, wait. Can you just. . .
lt's simple.
Charlie's the mouse
that got you into the maze.
l'm the rat who can find the cheese.
The name's Hank. Hank Evans. . .
For little girls
So it's true. Charlie is a schizo.
l wouldn't know. l stay out of his business,
he stays out of mine.
Look.
Just because l rock
doesn't mean l'm made of stone.
l feel your fear. lt's coming through
like static on my heart radio.
Hank? Hank.
l really, really appreciate your help,
but is there any way that maybe we could
get Charlie back out here
for a little huddle?
No problem.
While you're at it, why not climb that pole
and take a piss on the power lines?
Look, l'm not here to twist your niblets.
l'm here to save your life, but if l'm gonna
do that, l'll need total uninononynymity.
OK.
Sound good, candypants?
Hank, don't call me that.
How the hell can they call Pluto a planet?
What motherfuckin' planet has
an elliptical orbit?
-This shit don't make sense.
-Motherfucker!
That motherfucker Vince Foster was
murdered. l told you that shit!
Hey, man, quit hackin' into
them goddamn Pentagon files.
Ain't no nevermind who them crooked
politicians be killin' . You need to study.
-What did Daddy tell you about snoopin'?
-Shit, yeah.
lf you keep fuckin' around,
you'll lose your Yale scholarship.
Be stuck up there at Stanford with
them goddamn motherfuckers.
Motherfucker, you be lucky
to get accepted to Duke,
gettin' a 1 430 on yo' SAT.
-Motherfucker, you know l had the flu.
-Flu, my ass!
You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm
to get a 1 430.
Hey, you talkin' some shit now.
That's probably one of them
lvy League sons of bitches now.
Show me yo' ass head up
and get the door, man.
Hey, Captain.
-Fellas.
-What the fuck is goin' on, man?
-This is Agent Annicelli.
-Gentlemen.
-What's happenin'?
-We've got a problem.
Pack your bags.
-We're locked and loaded.
-Great.
Got enough stuff
to hold us over for 72 hours.
Well, fuck my ozone.
We're gonna rock you
Hey, ringworm.
Yeah, l'm talkin' to you,
you toxic waste of life.
You gonna pick up that butt?
Or do l have to glue it to my shoe
and stick it in your pimply a-hole?
Hey, man. Take it easy.
lt's just a cigarette.
Oh, yeah?
Well, this is just a fist, but when l throw it
around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Let's dance.
Let's kick the shit out of
this crazy asshole!
Wait, he's a schizo!
What the hell's wrong with him?
What happened anyway?
Yeah, Charlie was taking a few lumps
on account of Hank's behavior.
But, save for a little blood in the urine,
he was no worse for the wear.
l'm sorry you had to meet Hank,
Miss Waters.
l thought l was bad.
That guy has some serious problems.
He did save our lives.
Anyway, Hank had a good idea.
He thinks. . .
You're gonna listen to Hank?
Come on, look what he did to me!
What are you thinking? He's out of control.
You know what we should do?
Find another department
and tell them the whole story.
Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far
Dickie's reach goes.
Then you know what?
l think it's time to call the best damn
law enforcement agency in the country.
The Rhode lsland State Troopers!
Do you really think
that the feds don't have some guy
up there right now, bugging calls?
They'd be on us in 1 0 minutes. And they
almost got me killed in the first place.
OK.
What was the genius's big plan?
He thinks that we should find a cabin
and hide out for a while.
Oh, yeah?
What about water and food and. . .
He already got supplies.
They're in the trunk.
These are the supplies?
Well, he had a plan, all right.
That's it? That's all he got?
Oh, no. There's more.
A rope,
shovel,
bag of lime and some lawn darts.
This is Christine DiCarlo live
from Clinton County, New York,
where the manhunt continues for
Rhode lsland State Trooper Baileygates.
. . .responsible for the death
of an EPA agent
and the kidnapping of lrene Waters.
Bullshit! My daddy ain't killed nobody
and he sure ain't kidnapped no bitch !
Your dad's sick, mentally.
He's had a breakdown.
The important thing is we find him
so nobody else gets hurt.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
Our daddy wouldn't
hurt a motherfuckin' fly.
No, he goes after bigger game.
We just got a report he put six bullets
into a cow's head.
Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
OK, look, let's say he does have a problem,
which he don't.
He's been takin' pills.
-He left his pills in the hotel room.
-That's where he left his sanity.
l've seen it first-hand.
The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.
One thing l don't understand, Lieutenant.
lf my daddy's such a scary-ass
motherfucker, why'd you go by yourself?
Who the fuck are you? Sergeant York
taking on the Germans yourself?
Your father's a police officer.
He asked me to come alone.
-How was l to know he's a nutcase?
-He ain't no fuckin' nutcase!
He may have delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage,
but he is a very gentle person.
Motherfucker robot! Motherfucker robot!
What's the fuss?
Stay away from me, Hank!
l know what you had planned.
l saw your so-called supplies.
That.
l wasn't gonna just ram it home, though.
l was gonna lube it up
and ease it in there inch by inch
like a gentleman.
l was talking about the shovel
and the lime.
Shovel and lime?
Thank you.
l haven't laughed like that in a long time.
What's so funny?
-We're driving a hot carriage.
-So?
That stuff belongs to the bad cop.
You think he was gonna take
our dead bodies down to the station?
lrene decided they should
go back to Rhode lsland,
but Hank had an idea first.
Are you sure about this?
You kidding? Every oinker east of the
Mississippi will be looking for this sled.
Safer to go mass transit.
Ready? On nine.
Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.
-Thanks for the kudos.
-Sure.
-Glad we're finally on the same page.
-Me, too.
-You OK?
-Yes, l'm fine.
Thought you were going over the edge.
Thank you.
You know, l think
you're a very special unit.
That's sweet.
l hope we can
get to know each other better.
Yeah. Me too.
Do you swallow?
l get it. We'll go slow.
-Hey!
-Yes?
You didn't happen
to pick up a wallet on the dash, did you?
You're kidding, right?
So what's your tale? Where you from?
Oh, all over.
Omnipresence. l like that in a woman.
l'm originally from Texas.
Middle-class neighborhood.
But after school
l moved to New York 'cause. . .
Let me guess.
Everybody said you were easy on the eyes,
so you tried to become a model.
But in the Big Apple, they treated you
like the worm, so you became an actress.
No, but. . .
But you can't get far without talent,
and the only bright lights you saw
were the ones inside the fridge.
So you got a boob job and went
looking for a rich man with a bum ticker
and waved a white flag
in the face of your own self-loathing.
-How's my aim?
-l never went to New York City.
l went to Cornell, then l got my master's
in Turf Management at U-Mass.
Then l became
a golf-course superintendent.
-And these are all mine.
-l notice you left out your eating disorder.
-l don't have an eating disorder.
-Whatever, slim.
Hands off, Hank.
Mom !
That's real nice, Hank.
Way to keep a low profile.
lt's survival at this point.
Hey, l know how to score some dough.
-Punch me.
-What?
-Punch me in the face.
-Why?
l'll tell the big cheese
l got rolled in the parking lot.
He'll hush me with some Benjamins.
They don't need that kind of ink.
Come on, rip my head off.
-That's really lame, Hank.
-You have a better idea? Come on !
-lt's not gonna work.
-Yes, it is, but you gotta rock me.
Don't give me a girly
"l don't want to break a fingernail" tap.
This guy's gotta look at my face and just. . .
Well, the kick in the chops
didn't work out as planned.
lt just left Charlie a little more roughed up.
How's the nose feeling?
Listen to it.
-l'm really sorry, Charlie.
-l'll get over it.
l mean, you should be furious.
l just drop-kicked you right in the face.
Hey, it happens.
You got a great way
of looking at life, Charlie. You know that?
That's a gift.
Yeah, l don't know
if my shrinks would agree.
They think that's my problem.
What?
That l purposely distort my perceptions
to make my reality more palatable.
Like you only hear what you wanna hear?
Thanks. l like to keep it short,
especially in the summer.
How come l couldn't have ended up with
an easy-going guy like you, Charlie? Huh?
Sometimes l think there's something
about my look that just attracts assholes.
That's crazy.
You're a very special girl, lrene.
Look at you.
You're just so down-to-earth.
l mean, look at your hair.
lt's like you don't give a damn.
And you let your skin hang out, blemishes
an' all. You're not afraid of your flaws.
Your face is all pursed up
like you just sucked on a lemon,
but you pull it off!
You thinkin' what l'm thinkin'?
-Oh, no.
-Oh, yeah.
Come on !
-l don't know if l can !
-Yes, you can !
Humans only use 1 0% of their potential !
You gotta reach down
for that little extra something !
There you go!
Now you're gettin' it!
l believe in you !
Don't you give up on me now!
Easier than l thought! Come on !
Go, Charlie. Go! You can do it!
Come on, Charlie!
Use more of your potential !
Come on, Charlie! Go!
Jump off!
-What?
-Jump off!
What?
Jump off the train !
lrene?
Come on. Stop fooling around.
l started thinking about it. Bad idea.
Trains are the first place they'll look.
Oh, come on.
We checked all the gas and food stops
along the interstate. No sign of 'em.
lnterstate! ls your old lady happy?
My old lady?
Cos if your fuckin' is like your police work,
you couldn't hit the G spot
on a 1 2lb pussy.
Watch yourself.
-What are you gettin' at?
-Look, Daddy ain't gonna take no road
where y'all blind-ass cops is lookin' .
And, motherfucker, he don't eat fast food.
OK, l have three dollars.
How much do you have?
-Six bucks.
-Let me go up and order, so we can go.
OK. l'll have a chicken breast sandwich.
No skin, dry toast.
You make me dizzy
running circles in my head
One of these days l'll chase you down
Well, look who's going crazy now
We're face to face, my friend
Better get out
Better get out!
-What are you starin' at, fucker?
-You know you make me break out. . .
Wanna start me up?
Just pull the cord, pal.
l'm due for a seismic event.
You're dancin' on the fault line.
-Hey, what is your problem, pal?
-l got no beef with you. Just the kid.
-Hey, stop it!
-He started it.
l'm so sorry. l apologize.
He suffers from this thing.
l'm standing right here, four-eyes.
Oh, poor baby. Has to let his daddy
fight his battles for him, huh?
He's an ass.
Pussy.
How's it hangin' , fellas?
Hank, l presume.
-D'you miss me?
-Why don't you get Charlie back?
Things were finally becoming civilized.
Pocahontas, you gotta put your ear
to the ground to hear the buffelo.
l don't know what that means, OK?
lt means either he makes up a battle plan,
or Hank'll take over Fort Charlie for good.
Did you just refer to yourself
in the fourth person?
Holy Jesus in heaven ! lt's a giant Q-Tip.
Hank!
What? l'm jokin' .
Bringin' a little sunshine into his life.
Careful, you'll peel.
-Do you need to see a menu?
-No, thank you. We've ordered.
That's it.
Hold on, cheese tits.
-Did l miss something?
-Don't give me that shit!
What you just did to that kid was terrible.
Didn't you see the look on his face?
Looked a little pale, that's all.
He was hurt and offended.
Well, l disagree, but why speculate?
-Hey, Milky! iVmonos!
-Hey, no!
Come on, Br'er Rabbit. Hop down
the bunny trail. Epa, epa, ndale.
Listen, were you offended in any way
by our social interaction here?
Yeah, actually l was.
What was it? The Q-Tip thing?
Actually l was pretty much offended
by everything you said, sir.
Sorry.
l'm truly sorry.
You OK?
You don't know what it was like.
Spending all those years
trapped behind a wall of politeness.
Bound and gagged. . .
ln a dark and silent world
where nothing grows but the anger.
All because some demon he married
laced up her boots
and did a Nancy Sinatra on him.
Charlie had a wife?
And then some.
l was a big piece
of the personality pie back then.
But when she left him,
Charlie went numb. . .
And l went AWOL.
Well,
if you were
such a big part of the personality,
then she left you too.
lt's true.
She left us.
l loved her.
Why'd she do this?
l'm not a bad person.
No, you're not a bad guy.
No, you're not.
D'you hear me?
You're a good person.
You really think so?
Yeah, l'm starting to.
You know what l'm gonna do?
l'm gonna make it up to Charlie.
And l'm gonna make it up
to that sweet little circus geek in there.
Hank?
Agent Boshane!
They were spotted leaving a health-food
restaurant 1 00 miles from here.
-1 5 minutes, tops.
-Got it.
They got 1 50 cordoned off?
Let's fly!
Can you please tell him to stop this?
Charlie, is that you?
Hey, my nose.
My nose is fixed.
-lsn't that great?
-How'd that happen?
Well, Hank wanted
to do something nice for you,
so he insisted that we
go to a plastic surgeon.
What? Did you say plastic surgeon?
Oh, my God.
What is this?
What d'you. . . What is this?
Hank thought that you kinda
had a weak chin, so. . .
What?
l like my chin. . .
l like my chin.
lt's my chin ! lt's my chin ! Mine!
How'd you pay for it?
l loaned him the money.
Who the hell are you?
lt's me.
Milky.
Who the hell is Milky
and what is he doing here?
lrene has a lot of people who would like
to see her in an unmarked grave.
l don't think it's safe
for you to hang around with us.
Why not?
You, lrene and Hank are my only friends.
What about your family?
Won't they miss you?
My family's all. . .
They're gone.
Oh, jeez.
Well, we can't call you Milky anymore.
What's your real name?
Casper. But my friends call me Whitey.
OK.
l can't find the time to tell you
l can't find the time to tell you. . .
Whoa!
So many things to say
l could fit it in a book, fit it in a book
of a thousand pages, yeah
So many people say
That l couldn't tell a lie, couldn't tell a lie
in a thousand ages
-Here you go. l got your car all filled up.
-Thank you, Joseph.
Oh, yeah.
Get your cock out of my Chrysler,
you son of a bitch !
You son of a. . .
l'm gonna kill you ! l'm gonna get you !
l can't find the time to tell you
l look at your pretty face
And l fall in love with you
Fall in love with you
Every time l see you there
They are flowing to the ground
Flowing to the ground
ln a mist around you
Baby, you're wrong
What's that on your shirt?
l'm sorry.
That was good.
Charlie, what the hell is that?
-Oh, yeah, l'm gonna fall for that.
-No, Charlie.
Not me.
Nice try though.
How dumb do l look?
l can't find the time to tell you
l can't find the time to tell you. . .
Hey, they only had two rooms: 1 9 and 20.
So you guys will have to bunk up.
l can't find the time to tell you
So, Whitey. . .
What happened to your family?
l killed them.
Come again?
When l was 1 5, l hacked them up
with a hammer while they were sleeping.
Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.
She was awake, my sis.
Which l regret.
Yeah, well. . .
We all have family stuff.
That's what makes the holidays so hard.
l just got released last month
on my 21 st birthday.
To tell you the truth, l really wasn't ready
to leave, but they said l had to.
That's a fucked-up law, huh?
Well, l guess they need the extra room
for the real. . .
Psychos.
l'm gonna go and try to make out
with whatsherface.
-Go for it.
-All right!
-What?
-Yeah.
He just told me that he brutally murdered
his entire family in their sleep!
-Oh, my God !
-He was a juvenile. They just let him out.
So, l was gonna ask if l could. . .
Stay here.
But l can sleep in the car.
That's me and my whippersnappers.
l'm Dorothy.
Look at you !
When did you take this? At Halloween?
No. Just messing around the house.
You seem like a really good dad, Charlie.
l try to be.
They're incredible kids. Oh, God.
So happy and funny.
They never give me any grief.
-They're the top three students out of 21 1 .
-Golly!
-l don't know where they get it from.
-That's just good genes.
You know, l don't think l. . . No, l don't think
l carry even one picture anymore.
-Why not?
-l don't know.
l used to when l was younger.
Pictures of friends and stuff like that.
l guess they just got old and fell apart.
Kind of like the friendships.
That's too bad.
-Tell you what. Why not keep that one?
-No, Charlie. That's yours.
Are you kidding? l have tons of them
at home. No, l got a bunch. Come on.
-You do?
-Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
l'm dry.
You know, l'm gonna go get a soda.
-You want a soda?
-Sure. OK.
l caught that, bozo.
Not once but twice it burned ya.
Give it another kick.
-l think l just had an epiphany!
-What?
That l might be able to control
this problem of mine.
How'd you learn that?
First the Coke machine robbed me.
And l'm fine with that.
But then some guy came up
and laughed in my face.
-Oh, no.
-No, no, but that's just it!
See? Just when l was starting to feel
those old familiar feelings,
l just took a deep breath, counted
backwards from 1 0 and l said to the guy
"Excuse me, sir, but your laughter
is not helping me right now."
And he said
"l'm sorry. l didn't mean to make fun."
That was it! l helped him with his bags.
-Really?
-Yes.
Well, that's great!
And you got the Cokes.
Just a little rap on the side
of the machine and presto!
Maybe that's it though, you know?
-Look what l found in my bag.
-Oh, no! Oh, boy.
What do you think? Do you?
Under the right circumstances,
sure, l could tip a few.
And these are the right circumstances.
There you go.
-Celebrate good times, come on.
-Oh, well.
Whoa, that must be mine!
Jesus! Oh, God.
Oh, my God !
lrene?
Why am l peeing
like l was up all night having sex?
Well, seems old Hank
had pulled a fast one.
And if that wasn't bad enough, there was
more trouble right around the corner.
l want everybody to stay put
and wait for my order.
-You mean you couldn't tell the difference?
-Are you serious?
-Who the hell could?
-A sober person for one.
So we had some drinks.
Well, look who joined the party.
Did you have fun?
"Ooh, yes, l did ! Ooh, yes l did !"
So old Hanky-Panky
wasn't enough for you, huh?
lt wasn't for me.
-Are you sure this is the woman?
-Absolutely.
When my boyfriend Scooter brought in
the paper, l recognized her right away.
Thanks a lot. Scooter.
-Here they come.
-Look, Starsky and Hutch, this is the plan.
Let us talk to our dad
so this ain't gotta be no big thing.
Thanks, but this is
the end of the line for you.
Officer Stubie'll drive you to the chopper.
What? You brung us all the way down
for us to leave now?
-That don't make no motherfuckin' sense!
-You've done all you can do.
This is a police matter from now on.
Wait. lt may be a police matter to you,
but the police don't matter shit to me
when it's my daddy in there!
l said you're gettin' the hell outta here.
That's the end of it.
Guys, look, l'm sorry.
l hate to admit it, but this time he's right.
-You can't be here. lt's a liability.
-He's the fuckin' liability!
Don't worry. This is my investigation.
l promise there will be no bloodshed.
l promise!
Come on, guys. Let's go.
You OK, Charlie?
Yeah. l'm just. . .
Freshening up!
How do you wanna handle it?
l say we storm the place
and start shooting.
-What if he's unarmed?
-Plant a gun on him afterwards.
Don't fuck it up this time.
Agent Boshane!
lt's Stubie.
He's got Baileygates and the girl.
What?
This is Boshane. What's going on?
l caught 'em out on 1 34 in a stolen vehicle.
Baileygates and the girl.
Officer Stubie,
l don't want you to attempt to move them.
-Don't move them ! We'll be right there.
-Get in your cars. Come on !
We sure is sorry, Officer,
but our daddy told us to trust our instinct,
and our instinct says
somethin' don't smell right. Let's roll.
You guys are making a big mistake!
'Cause l promise you,
when l find your old man,
l'm personally gonna fuck him up!
Why'd you go an' say
somethin' like that for, huh?
Lee Harvey.
-What's the diameter of a chicken egg?
-4.08cm.
-No, what's that in inches?
-1 .61 . What the fuck you gettin' at?
l got 1 0 bucks say
l can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass.
You can't put no chicken egg up his ass.
He's a tightass!
-No, it can be done.
-Yo, l'll take that bet.
-Right on.
-Pull yo' ass out!
l'll tell you one thing.
lf l didn't have bad luck,
l'd have no luck at all.
What are we gonna do about Whitey?
Take a guess. We're going on without him.
Moody.
Well, l didn't have
the fun you had last night.
Just the hangover
and the swollen prostate.
-D'you have any cash left?
-Yes. $60 , but it's Whitey's.
Yeah, well, bad things happen to people
who kill their family with a hammer.
-l'm payin' under protest.
-lt was close enough.
Yeah, whatever.
Shit.
Give me the scanner, so we can find out
what the fuck's goin' on !
Anybody know how to fly this thing?
Motherfucker, it's just lift
versus drag and rotation !
-Yeah, get your head out your ass!
-lt ain't that. This manual's in German.
-Motherfucker, you speak German !
-l can speak it. l didn't say l could read it!
You's a motherfuckin' disgrace!
Then get this motherfucker off the ground !
All right! Oh, shit!
Jesus!
Would somebody get this goddamn
chicken out of my ass, please?
Everybody, stay back. We'll do this alone.
l'll take 1 9 , you take 20 . Stay back!
Goddamn it!
Sons of bitches, l'll show 'em.
Sons of bitches.
-l need a gun and lots of ammo.
-Sorry.
-How far am l from Rhode lsland?
-Four or five hours.
Got a map of New England,
if you want. $1 .95.
-Here's a five. Keep the change.
-Thanks.
-Hello.
-Finneran, it's Charlie.
Charlie, you are in deep shit.
Where the hell are you?
Listen, you gotta get a message
to the colonel.
But no one outside the department
can know about this, OK?
'Cause this is deep.
Bring plenty of backup. You got it.
Don't worry. Nobody outside
the department will hear about this.
Watch yourself, buddy.
Thanks for notitying us, Officer.
No, you've been a really big help.
-You stay close.
-Yes, sir.
Excuse me.
-Where's Dickie?
-He's waiting for us in Boston.
l think it's time
our rich boy got his hands dirty.
Tell me.
How was. . .
Mr. Wonderful?
This is getting really ridiculous, Charlie,
so just let it go.
l turn my back for one minute
and you stick it up my ass! Literally!
For your information,
you stuck it in your own ass!
Don't turn this around on me, OK? You're
the one who can't keep your legs closed.
-Why are you doing this?
-Because l l. . .ike you.
What?
l like you.
Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.
l'm just a ditz.
A ditz? What are you talking about?
You're 27 years old.
You're the superintendent
of a major golf resort.
Yeah, well, l kind of fudged my rsum
a little bit to get that job.
Look, l don't know the first thing about
running a golf course, Charlie. l'm a model.
l moved to New York,
but none of it worked out,
so then l tried to be an actress and. . .
l got this eating disorder
where l gained, like, 20lb.
-That's not that bad.
-ln a week.
So l kind of lost my self-respect.
Before you know it, l had 70-year-old guys
trying to support me
and l really didn't like
who l was becoming.
God, l have made so many mistakes.
lrene. . .
You didn't know what Dickie was up to.
Did you?
l may be a ditz, but l'm not a crook.
When we met, light was set
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind-chime voice sounds
Sway of your hips 'round rings true
My ass is really sore.
lt goes deep inside of you
Wow!
l never get tired of hearing that.
Hey.
l'm lookin' for my friends.
A pretty blonde and a guy with a buzz cut.
-Cabin E.
-Thanks a lot.
Don't make a sound.
l don't know anything,
and that's what l told the police.
Shut up, lrene! You just listen to me.
Maybe we can work something out.
Time to face the music, Mozart.
And one, and two, and. . .
Warden, l want my own cell.
Great. You again.
-What tree did this sap ooze out of?
-lt's Dickie! He got me into all this crap!
-Oh, your golf buddy.
-Yeah.
-l hope it's OK if l play through.
-Hank!
-OK, turn around. l'll play the back nine.
-Stop it!
Come on. He couldn't have
chewed up the greens that badly.
Get away from me!
He hasn't played the course in a long time.
lt was Charlie who was putting.
-Charlie?
-Yeah.
He might not be long on the tee,
but he's got a good up-and-down game.
What's that suppo. . .
Can we speak English?
l never wanted to sleep with you, Hank!
OK? You tricked me!
That's right, l did trick you. lt was
deceitful, disgusting and despicable.
But just this once,
try to look at it from my side.
l was horny.
Oh, God !
You are such an asshole!
Come on.
Don't be mad, my little pussyfart.
l warned you about that, buddy!
Warned me about what?
Charlie?
Providence, Rhode lsland.
Ten-minute stop.
Did you. . .
-What?
-What's going on?
-Hank was coming on to me again.
-Hank!
Damn it. l am so sick of that guy!
OK, Hank, come out here. Let's settle this
the old-fashioned way. Come on !
l may not be tough,
but damn it, l can get good and mad !
Stop it, man. You're scaring me.
-What's the matter?
-Let's go before he wakes up.
l'm not through with you, buster.
l'm not through with you !
What's the matter, Hank?
Afraid to pick on someone your own size?
Are you OK? What happened?
That was dirty.
All right. Come on.
Where are you? Where are you?
Here l am.
You bastard !
Stop it, you're gonna kill him !
You're choking me!
You're choking me!
Charlie, don't break it.
Get on your knees and beg me. Up yours.
On your feet. We're gonna have fun.
lrene!
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates.
Wanna see my weasel?
Free hot dogs here. All you can eat.
Get your foot-long and a bag of nuts.
No! Don't listen to him !
lt's not me! lt's Hank!
lt's Hank!
Come back here, Hank!
l'm not through with you !
Had enough? Up yours.
Stop it, you two!
-lt's Gerke! Come on !
-Hank, truce? For now, fucker.
Watch out! He's got a gun !
l'll follow the girl. You get Baileygates!
Police officer! Everybody down ! Get down !
Outta the way!
Hank, we're shot!
You pussy, it's just a flesh wound. Look.
Look, there's keys in that car.
No, l can't go on.
l think. . .
l think l'm gonna faint.
Do you mean to say
l've gotta carry your sorry ass?
All right.
Come on, Rip Van Wussy.
Jesus, you're heavy.
Now get in there!
And we're gone.
Shit! Don't worry.
Hank, what have you done? Oh, my God !
Don't you just love it?
You are a sick pup.
Yeah, well, takes one to know one.
What are you doing? Hank?
Ever been bitch-slapped?
l'm gonna kill you, Hank! l swear to God !
Arrivederci, deadwood. No!
What are you still doin' here?
Hank, we're in this together.
Pritchard.
Cover the other end.
l want Charlie arrested on sight.
Hey, lrene. You just keep walking, now.
lrene!
Baileygates, you're coming with me.
-Not now, Finneran.
-Yes, now!
That was me.
Yeah, big deal.
-Shut up, Hank! You're so. . .
-Hank!
-Hank!
-Hey! Let her go!
She asked for me, asshole.
Big deal !
Dickie, you know l don't know anything !
Shut up, lrene. lt's too late.
Hank!
-No way.
-Come on.
Oh, no. Water.
Yeah. She's screwed. l'll buy you a beer.
No! We're doin' it!
Hank!
Hank! What are you doing?
Give me the leg !
Hank, hurry!
This is my body!
Do you understand that?
l call the shots from now on, Hank!
l don't need you
to fight my battles for me!
lf you can back down from something
this important, you're nothing at all !
You're nothing at all !
l got my leg back.
Oh, no. Hank!
l'm coming, lrene!
-Hank!
-lt's OK, lrene.
Hank's gone.
-lt's me, Charlie.
-Charlie?
Maybe you should go back and get help.
No, l can handle it.
l'm warning you, pal.
You're gonna get hurt.
Be careful, Charlie!
-Just do what he says, Charlie!
-Back off! Just turn around ! Now!
Take it easy, Dickie. Take it easy.
There's nowhere to go.
Come on, Dickie.
Give me the gun. Come on.
Come on. That's it.
Nice and easy.
Where's my thumb?
That's kidnapping and assault!
-Why stop there?
-No!
Oh, God !
Whitey!
Rock 'n' roll !
lrene!
-lrene!
-What?
Oh, my God !
Keep goin' . Bring it down.
We're comin' , Daddy! We're comin' , man !
lt's my kids!
Hang on, Daddy!
Grab a hold of that motherfucker, man !
So, how's my thumb lookin' , Doc?
l'll let you know when l find it.
lrene, Charlie,
this is Agent Steve Parfitt, FBl.
You must be real proud of these maniacs.
Oh, l am.
Yeah, we're proud
of this motherfucker too.
lt's good to see you're safe, Dad.
The colonel informed them
that all the guilty parties had been
apprehended.
Gerke was arraigned
at a Providence hospital,
and Agent Boshane had been arrested
at the train station in New London.
But Charlie Baileygates
had other things on his mind.
-Charlie, nicely done.
-Thanks, Sea Bass.
Hey, Whitey. Listen, l wanted to tell you
that l really appreciate
everything you did for me.
l owe you a huge one.
And l'm truly sorry
that you had to kill again.
-Must be messing with your head.
-l never killed anyone before.
-What?
-You're a schizo who's wanted for murder,
and you're laying in bed next to me
gabbing like a 1 6-year-old girl
on the phone.
You freaked me out, man.
But what about your family?
How did they die?
l never said they were dead.
l said they were gone.
They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.
Look at me.
l wouldn't last two minutes in the desert.
Hey, your bandage is wet.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe it's time to come off.
l'm surprised it's held on this long.
Hey, that's not so bad.
Hey, Daddy, we just wanted to say that. . .
Holy shit!
Look, Daddy got a butthole on his face.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
He sure is
a Spartacus-lookin' motherfucker.
Hey, Daddy, now you can blow your nose
and wipe your ass at the same damn time!
You know what l'm saying?
-So. . .
-So. . .
-How'd your meeting with the shrink go?
-Wonderful.
Clean bill of health.
A well-rounded individual.
That's great, Charlie.
l'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
Well. . .
l hope if you're ever,
you know, around here, you'll. . .
Come and visit us.
Yeah.
-Little Rhodie.
-Biggest little state in the union.
-Let me get that for you.
-Thanks.
-Hey, lrene?
-Yeah?
Maybe l could come
visit you sometime soon.
Promise?
You bet.
And that's the word
of a Rhode lsland State Trooper, ma'am.
l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin'
Beneath my feet
l feel the rumble of a subway train, yeah
l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing
l hadn't been tryin'
The train came in breathless
The passengers restless
She said "Baby, you'll never change"
You gotta get goin'
You gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down. . .
You gotta be kidding.
Hold it right there.
Miss Waters?
l'd like you to step out of the car.
What did l not do now?
-We've reason to believe this is stolen.
-What?
No, no, l rented this car!
Would you step out of the car, please?
Great.
Front of the car, please.
Hands on the hood.
Spread your legs.
-That's great.
-Thank you. Following procedure, ma'am.
Oh, you guys!
You guys are beautiful ! Look,
why don't we skip the trial, get right to it?
You can lock me up
and keep me here forever!
That's what l had planned.
Look.
-l hope her little skinny ass is reading this.
-Man, l'm pretty sure she's lookin' , man.
Oh, Charlie.
lt's gonna be raining wine
and roses tonight.
lt'll be rainin' my motherfuckin' cookies
if this motherfucker don't stop
this turbulence shit!
Well, that's Charlie's story,
and l'm sticking to it.
They all moved in together
and lived as one big happy family.
Charlie and lrene, the guys,
even that nice albino fella, Whitey.
And l'm happy to report
Charlie got promoted to lieutenant
in the greatest law enforcement agency
in the land: the Rhode lsland State Police.
Yeah, it was a regular slice of Americana.
Y'all come back now! Thanks
for watching our motherfuckin' movie!
You gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down
For no one
lt's a carnival callin' out to you
lt's callin' out to you
lt sounds like a song
lt hits you like Scripture
You paint the picture
with colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go. . .
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go-round?
Hey, look, the world ain't slowin' down
Hey, hey
The world ain't slowin' down
Hey, hey
lt's a big blue world
We're ridin' on a big blue world
ln the mornin' you go gunnin'
For the man who stole your water
Then you fire till he's done in
But they catch you at the border
And the mourners are all singin'
As they drag you by your feet
But the hangman isn't hangin'
And they put you on the street
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Wheels turnin' round and round
You go back, Jack
Do it again
When you know you're no high climber
And you find out your only friend
ln a room with a two-timer
And you're sure you're near the end
Then you love a little wild one
You bring to her a smile
and then l saw one
All the time that you know you're smilin'
Your black cards can make you money
So you hide them when you're able
ln the land of milk and honey
You must put them on the table
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Wheels turnin' round and round
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Hope unknown
Sometimes just waking is surreal
l walk right through the nameless ones
l know that hope's unknown
Sometimes the water feels so real
As l walk through, it fills my lungs
My God, l'm drowning
This day never seems to end
this pain never
This day never seems to
This rage l cannot let go
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
So alone
Sometimes l swear that l can hear
The taunting of the voiceless ones
l fear that l alone
Fear those who finally ceased to feel
That they're alone inside this place
l am the misplaced
This day never seems to end
this pain never
This day never seems to
This rage l cannot let go
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
Now every face looks familiar
Then every face melts away till now
Everyone, do you know
l know your deception?
Now every face looks familiar
Then every face melts away till now
Everyone, do you know
l know your deception?
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
OK, everybody,
the water temperature is 63 .
Pop's thumb should be OK
if we find it within the next six hours.
-Sure?
-Do the math, motherfucker.
-Damn !
-Jeez.
-Fellas, l think l found it!
-What?
-False alarm.
-Oh, damn, Whitey!
and one on my chest
A gun on my hip and the right to arrest
l'm a guy who's the boss on this highway
So watch out what you're doin'
when you're drivin' my way
lf you break the law
you'll hear from me, l know
l'm workin' for the state
l'm the highway patrol
Well, you'll know me when you see me
'cause my door's painted white
My siren a-screamin'
and my flashin' red light
l work all day and l work all night
Just to keep the law and order
tryin' to do what's right
lf l write you out a ticket
then you'd better drive slow
l'm just a-doin' my job
l'm the highway patrol
l'm the highway patrol
the highway patrol
My hours are long and my pay is low
But l'll do my best
to keep you drivin' slow
l'm just a-doin' my job
l'm the highway patrol
Meet Charlie.
Helpful dad, upstanding citizen,
and an 1 8-year veteran of the greatest
law enforcement agency in the land:
the Rhode lsland State Police.
That's Charlie's home.
Modest, like the man.
Even though he lived on the water,
Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer,
which will come into play
a little later in our story.
But l'm getting way ahead of myself.
You know, maybe it's best if we just
go back and begin at the beginning.
As a young man,
Charlie had the world by its bootstraps.
He was the best young trooper
on the force,
and was dating
the prettiest and smartest gal in town.
Her name was Layla. . .
Just like the melody.
Charlie,
you've no idea how much l love you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Well, will you stay with me
no matter what?
Of course, Charlie.
What if l had to move to the Arctic
and you could never come home
and had to eat whale blubber for the rest
of your life? Would you still stay with me?
Yeah, l'd stay.
But l hope that never happens.
Yeah, me too.
Well, by springtime
they had made it official.
Boy, let me tell you,
that was some wedding.
lt was presided over
by Father Ken Gumbert,
and half of the Rhode lsland
State Police Force was in attendance.
-Congratulations, Charlie.
-Thank you, Captain.
All right!
Look what l got!
Here you go.
Excuse me, do you people take checks?
Say that again. Do "we people"
take checks? You mean a black man?
No, no, no, no! God, no. Your company.
Don't give me that bullshit!
That was a racist slur.
-No, it wasn't. l would never. . .
-Tell you what, l'll make it easy for you.
Why don't you just pay me in cotton
or a cartload of watermelons?
Or how's about some fried chicken, 'cause
you know black people love fried chicken !
-Hey, no, come on now.
-What's going on?
This cat don't believe a nigger knows how
to cash a check! Ain't that 'bout a bitch?
Charlie, l don't wanna ever hear you
use the n-word in this house.
What!
l never said anything remotely racist!
-Oh, so it's a "little people" thing, then.
-No!
You think just 'cause l'm small you can
push me around? Come on, let's boogie.
l'm gonna give you a little lesson
in low center of gravity.
Stop it! Cut it. . . Stop it now. Sir!
Don't patronize me with that "Sir" crap!
Hey, those are illegal. Stop.
Oh, it's on now. lt's on !
-Charlie, don't hit him !
-Me?
Charlie! Stop it! Charlie, stop it!
Let me handle this. Stop it!
Excuse me, Mr. Jackson. . .
Stop it! Wait. What is your first name?
lt's Shont.
Shont, l am so, so sorry. l apologize.
Come on here.
Let me walk you to your car.
l have no patience for people
who judge books by their cover.
And you shouldn't have to!
Treating me like a dumbshit!
l mean, who does he think he's talking to?
l'm a professor of molecular genetics
at Brown.
And l'm head
of the Boston chapter of Mensa.
-You're kidding?
-No.
l'm just driving this limo
as a sociological experiment. That's it.
But Mensa?
l'm president of the Providence chapter.
No kidding.
Just when Charlie thought
life couldn't get any sweeter,
old Mr. Stork dropped in
to pay him and Layla a visit.
lt's a boy!
Oh boy, oy, oy.
Wow!
He's so. . .
Wow!
Whoa, you're in luck!
He's got company!
Push ! Push !
Charlie loved those boys so much,
he just couldn't face the truth.
And so he went on with his life
as if everything was normal.
Hey, Finneran.
Hey, buddy.
-Hope you brought your appetite with you.
-Oh, l did.
-Charlie, your kids look great.
-Yeah, don't they? Thanks.
Charlie,
just between you and me,
d'you ever notice
that your kids have a year-round tan?
Yeah, well. . .
-My great-grandmother's half-ltalian.
-Half-ltalian?
Well, that's probably why
the water beads off the hair, huh?
Yeah, so? l mean, a lot of people
have different kind of hair.
What are you getting at?
Well, no, l'm just saying it's. . .
Come on, goddamn it! Those kids' dicks
are bigger than them sausages!
Knock it off!
You're talking about my children.
-Since you brought it up, l wanna ask. . .
-Finneran !
Get over here. lt's your turn.
Charlie. . .
Don't mind me.
lt's just the beer talking, you know?
Sure.
There's something powerful
bubbling up inside me, Father.
And l'm afraid that some day,
if l don't do something, l'm gonna explode.
Where does this rage come from, my son?
l don't know. lt's a lot of things, really.
Take my wife, for example.
l love her like no other, but. . .
Part of me suspects
that she may be having an affeir.
And l'm probably
just being paranoid here, but. . .
l get the feeling that the entire town
is laughing at me behind my back.
Charlie, that you?
Eventually,
Charlie's worst fears were realized.
l'm so sorry, Charlie.
Really, l am.
But l have to do this.
l found my soul mate.
But. . .
l thought l was your soul mate.
Come on, legs! Let's roll, baby.
l don't know what to say.
l guess the heart just wants
what the heart wants.
Bye, Charlie.
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
She'll be eating blubber all right,
just as soon as l free willy.
lt's funny how a man reacts
when his heart gets broken.
Some break down and cry like a baby.
Others, they take out an Uzi
and climb a clock tower.
But Charlie Baileygates
didn't seem to react at all.
He just swallowed hard, felt that slab of
heartache slide over the lump in his throat
and he locked it all away.
As you can imagine,
it wasn't easy for little Jamaal,
Lee Harvey and Shont Junior
growing up without a mom.
But Charlie made that little house
into a big old home,
and the boys flourished.
Let me tell you, they were smart ones.
-What are you building, fellas?
-An airplane, Daddy.
Bye-bye!
Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work.
Love you, Daddy!
No! Hey, stop it!
Get. . . Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble!
Get off that! Don't you take off in that!
How many seas must a white. . .
Shont Junior, how can you keep
eating that crap and never gain weight?
l don't know. Just lucky, l guess.
-How many times must the cannonballs. . .
-Do you believe his voice?
-That's Gomer Pyle!
-Before they're forever banned?
Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor
on HBO?
Richard Pryor?
Please.
Okay.
ln Africa, though, l go out in the country.
You see some lions and shit.
l'm talkin' about real lions.
Not them kind
you be fuckin' with in the zoo.
You know how you go fuck with a lion?
"Hey, lion ! Motherfucker!"
Be throwin' shit at it. Lion'd be "Oh, ooh."
As they have a way of doing,
the years passed somewhat regularly.
And the boys, well,
they came into their own.
. . .toss my salad !
The guy's like "Toss my salad?
What's that?"
Having your salad tossed means having
your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup.
l prefer syrup.
He's a funny motherfucker!
Although Charlie's police work had started
to suffer, the kids were doing great.
Damn ! l can't figure out the atomic mass
of this motherfuckin' deuteron.
Shit. Man, that shit's simple. Lookit.
-Tell me this, tell me this.
-What?
What's a deuteron made up of?
Duh ! A proton and a neutron.
Then what's this motherfuckin' electron
doin' right there?
-Shit, l don't know.
-Well, get it out of there then !
OK, so you're sayin'
l add up the atomic masses
of the proton and the neutron, right?
l sees that, but what do l do with
the goddamn electron? Can l put it here?
Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his
motherfuckin' grave if he heard that.
He'd just turn over ass up in yo' face.
Man, Jamaal.
Just cut my man some slack.
l'm just trying to help him save face.
He keep askin' questions,
they'll think he's stupid.
-l ain't stupid.
-Mornin' , fellas.
Hey, Pops, how you doin' , man?
-What's all the commotion?
-Oh, just school shit and shit.
-How's my little guy doing?
-Struggling.
Quantum physics is confusing. lf l don't
buckle down, l'll get myself another B+ .
Oh, that'd be whack.
He's so fucking dumb,
he thinks calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Give it up, dawg.
Well, you think polypeptide's
a motherfuckin' toothpaste.
Oh, l gotta get out of here.
l don't wanna have to bust a cap.
Kisses.
Daddy.
-See ya later.
-Love ya.
Yeah, Charlie was getting
a lot of respect inside the house.
But outside. . .
Well, that was another story.
Mornin' , Ed.
Charlie.
Ed, did you see
where my paper went today?
The wife's got it in the shitter.
Well, could you tell her to throw it
on the porch when she's done?
Can't you get one at work?
Yeah. . .
l suppose l could.
You betcha.
l'd like that
lf we could cycle down some lane
l'd like that
lf we could ride into the rain
No macs, getting wet
l'd be your Albert
lf you'd be Victoria
Ha-ha, we'd laugh
because each drop would make me
Grow up really high, really high
Like a really high thing, say a sunflower. . .
-Hey, George, Herb.
-Hi, Charlie.
-How do, fellas?
-Hi, Charlie.
-Listen, Dick. . .
-Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one!
Oh, yeah ! That's what Daddy likes.
lt looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.
-A couple of Hindenburgs, huh?
-Oh, the humanity!
Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.
"She's a mom !"
-She's a mom. Not my mom.
-She's a yummy mummy!
You kill me!
Sure, that is good.
Listen, Dick,
l'm sorry to bother you like this but. . .
Your car is gonna have to be moved.
Yeah, sure, Charlie. OK. l should be
done here in another 1 0 or 1 5 minutes.
l hate to be a stickler, Dick, but. . .
The law says you can't park in one place
for over an hour,
and you've been there for. . .
Going on three days now.
All right, all right. The law's the law.
Park it up behind the grocery store,
will ya, Charlie?
Yeah, sure.
This one?
There's an old saying: an ostrich with
his head in the sand makes a lousy cop.
You see, if you can't deal
with your own problems,
well, it's hard to deal with others.
Sweetie? That's kinda dangerous.
Wanna move it on to the sidewalk,
away from traffic?
My dad says you're a joke
and l don't have to listen to you.
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion.
But l am an officer of the law,
and, by all rights, l could. . .
Fuck off!
You should watch your mouth, little girl.
Excuse me. Charlie!
Hey! You mind if l get ahead of you?
l'm in a wicked rush.
-Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.
-You're a doll.
Hey, kids! Over here! Now!
Didn't l tell you to stay with me?
We're gonna rock you
VagiClean, huh?
What's the matter, honey?
Little extra cheese on the taco?
-Excuse me?
-No, excuse me.
There's no tag on this.
Price check on VagiClean, aisle five.
l repeat: price check on VagiClean,
aisle five.
That's VagiClean.
We got a customer with a fallopian fungus.
She's baking bread
and l think it's sourdough.
Put a rush on that.
Hey, big guy. Did you hear the news?
My son Billy
got the lead in the high-school musical.
Well, l guess he likes the cock after all.
-Still wanna skip rope in the street?
-l'll tell my daddy, Charlie!
Wrong answer.
And the name's Hank, fuckface.
Reciting memorized lines
And l'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment
No, no, l'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment
l have no love but only goals
How very empty is my soul
lt is a soul that could easily kill
And l'm not fit to touch. . .
There you go, Dick. l parked it for you.
By the way,
you got a headlight out.
That looks good.
-There you go, Colonel.
-Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.
Colonel, something's wrong with Charlie.
-1 -X to 1 -1 2.
-1 -1 2 responding.
Of course, there's not much
about this sort of thing
in the Rhode lsland State Police manual.
So they sent him up to Boston to see
a team of highly trained head doctors.
They quickly identified the problem.
You got a major screw loose.
Doctors have diagnosed you
as having a "split personality."
A schizo.
-l don't remember this.
-That's because, according to that report,
it wasn't you that this was happening to.
lt was this other guy.
Hank.
-Said his name was Hank.
-And apparently Hank is trying to get out.
Trying to get out?
What do you mean "get out"?
-How did he get in?
-You created him.
By not dealing
with your problems, Charlie.
Ever since. . .
Well, you know.
You've been avoiding confrontation.
-But this guy inside.
-Hank.
He doesn't. Doctors feel that you've
created this character out of necessity.
You never stick up for yourself.
Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation
when Layla left?
Why would l?
You know, wives leave their husbands
every day in this country.
That's no reason
to short-change the department.
l mean, it's not like l had the flu. . .
Have you picked up your medication?
l'm really not crazy about it, though.
lt makes me so dry.
You have to take it anyway.
Dr. Rabinowitz assures us,
if you do, everything'll be fine.
This is a bunch of crap!
No wonder you're the smallest state.
Little mind, little state.
Shouldn't even be a state.
Should be a district.
Can you take these goddamn things off?
And could you stop lookin' at my ass!
Pritchard, what's going on here?
Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, lrene P .
l pulled her over on 95
for a broken tail light.
l ran a check. She's got
an outstanding warrant in New York.
-Hit and run?
-Hit and run.
lnjured pedestrian signed the complaint.
Well, l think l might remember that.
That is ridiculous.
l've never been in an accident.
Not in my whole life.
Well, l've just gotten off the phone
with the New York State Patrol.
They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.
-Look. . . How can we fix. . .
-Were you in Massena last Friday?
Well, yeah, l live there.
But l didn't have any accident.
l'm just driving down to Block lsland
to see my sister.
You seem like a nice guy.
ls there any way that you might let me
handle this by mail or. . .
Unfortunately, Miss Waters,
l'm not the one you have to convince.
lf there's been a mistake,
you have to clear it up in Massena.
What?
Because of somebody else's mistake,
l have to get in my car and drive
all the way back to upstate New York?
No, ma'am.
We'll have one of our troopers escort you.
Hey, Hollywood,
turn your fuckin' phone off.
-Yeah?
-You're an asshole.
Oh, hello, lrene. What'd l do now?
Listen, l'm at a police station
in Rhode lsland.
They're shipping me back to Massena
on some bogus crap.
-Sound familiar?
-l don't have a clue
-what you're talkin' about.
-Dickie!
Cut the bullshit!
Listen to me, OK?
lt's over, Dickie. lt's over.
So please just stop messing with me
and call your friends
and tell them to back off, OK?
Look, l'm being a straight shooter.
lf you need help, l'll help you.
Just give me all the details
and l'll get to the bottom of it.
Massena, New York!
Goddamn, Daddy! That's near Canada!
l know, l know. Wasn't my idea.
l gotta take this gal up north,
and then the colonel ordered me
to take a week's vacation.
A week's a long motherfuckin' time.
He wants me to rest
while l'm getting used to the medication.
Oh, come on. You don't have to worry
about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.
These two can do the shopping.
l'll do the cooking.
You do the cooking? Man, you thought you
got chipped beef from a toothy blow job!
You're gonna have Shont Junior
down or under goddamn 400lb. Fuck that.
Can't have that happen. OK, guys.
l'm not leaving till the morning, but you
know the rules: no bitches after eleven.
-All right, Pops.
-Yeah, man.
-Got you, Papa.
-Love you, Daddy!
So who the hell's
this lrene honey anyway?
She worked for me the past two years.
l hired her to be my golf-course
superintendent. We got close.
No, you got stupid !
For the love of shit, these are
the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie!
And me too!
How much does she know?
She might have gotten wind
of some things.
Yeah, well, we're gonna find out.
The complaint was signed
by a guy named Peterson.
-He's with the EPA.
-EPA? l thought they were in our pocket.
Well, not all of 'em.
Even though Charlie didn't
wholeheartedly agree with the top brass,
he did as he was told.
-Careful on the road, Charlie.
-OK, Colonel.
-Hang on, ma'am.
-Yeah.
This vacation is just what Charlie needs.
l bet he's a new man when he gets back.
lf we let him back.
What do you mean?
Well, l mean that
he's become a pretty big liability.
We may have to let him go.
Let him go? But, Captain,
police work is Charlie's whole li. . .
l know, l know, damn it.
l know.
l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin' . . .
lt's a great time of year to ride, as long as
you don't mind one or two bugs.
l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing
l hadn't been tryin'
The train came in breathless
The passengers restless
He said "Baby, you'll never change"
You gotta get goin' , you gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down
For no one
lt's a carnival callin' out to you
lt sounds like a song
lt hits you like Scripture. . .
Boy, you can't beat the open road !
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go-round?
Hey, look, the world ain't slowin' down
Oh, no.
Oh, my goodness.
Jeez.
Those damn truckers.
You know, you think they'd call someone
to come clean this up.
Poor thing. That's terrible.
By the looks of her,
she's been here for a while.
Well, l doubt we're gonna be able
to move her, but we should try.
You wanna get that end? Give it a push?
-Really?
-Yeah, we should give it a shot.
-OK?
-OK.
Go ahead. Just push as hard as you can.
Yeah, OK.
Jesus! Holy. . .
-OK. . .
-lt's still alive!
-Just stand back. l'll take care of it.
-Oh, God ! That's terrible.
Now, don't look, OK?
Well, old girl.
Your suffering's over.
Oh, it ain't always easy
doing Mother Nature's work.
-Do you believe that?
-No, it's. . .
My God in heaven !
What is wrong with you?
Die!
Let go! Let go, girl !
On to greener pastures, come on. They're
clear-cutting a place in heaven for ya.
Come on ! Help me out!
-But. . .
-Do something !
-l don't. . .
-Let go!
Let go! Go!
Well,
that was tough, but. . .
l think we did the right thing.
Patrol car, yes. OK, thank you.
-Can l help you?
-Baileygates, Rhode lsland State Police.
l have your prisoner,
Miss lrene Waters, here.
-All right. l'll tell them you're here.
-Okay-dee, ray-dee.
What are those for?
Oh, it's just this stupid thing.
l have to take a pill every six hours
or l feel funny. No big deal.
What's it called?
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Does your ass feel numb?
No, but. . .
They give me unbelievable cottonmouth.
-l meant from the ride.
-Oh. No, no.
Over the years
my ass has taken a pounding.
My name's Peterson.
This is my partner, Agent Boshane.
We're with the Environmental Protection
Agency's Special lnvestigations.
The EPA?
What'd l hit? A baldheaded eagle?
We'll explain that to you, ma'am, but right
now we're gonna ask you to come with us.
Well, why don't you just
explain it to me now?
We put your hit-and-run report out
on the wire in order to track you down.
Track me down for what?
Agent Boshane?
l want to remind you again,
our station's at your disposal.
You're welcome to use
our interrogation rooms.
We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke,
but we're all set.
Right. Well, if there's anything at all l. . .
Excuse me.
l'm just gonna. . .
Get myself a drink of water.
So, if l could just get someone
to sign this, l'll be on my way.
Yeah.
Well, Miss Waters, good luck.
l hope everything works out great for you.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
l haven't done anything wrong
and you know it.
What about the marijuana roaches you left
when you moved out of your apartment?
So l smoked some pot.
What is that, a crime?
As is being an accessory
to bribery, embezzlement,
-tax evasion and racketeering.
-What are you talking about?
Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell?
His company, Cedar Creek Limited, has
been under investigation for 1 8 months.
How does that make me an accessory?
l laid sod on Dickie's golf course. So what?
Tell me this. A big operation
like the Cedar Creek Country Club.
How'd you become
the head greenskeeper?
By default.
This guy, Tedeschi or Tedesco,
he was hired before me, but he died.
Heart problem or something.
The feds believed that lrene
knew more than she thought she knew,
and her life was in danger.
They explained that everything
had been happening under her nose.
Payoffs of government agencies,
threats to those who stood in the way.
And her predecessor's heart attack?
Well, that was just cold-blooded murder.
Oh, man !
Can you excuse me?
Pizza kid.
-How much?
-That comes to $1 3.95.
Son of a bitch !
lt was a good thing Charlie had told her
he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese
Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.
Charlie?
lrene finagled the key from the front desk
and let herself in.
Charlie!
Charlie, what's going on here?
lrene?
lrene, l was just. . .
l was gonna study your file
and try to find a loophole.
Did your lips get as chapped as mine
on the ride down?
Never mind. l need your help.
There was a shootout at the thing.
The agents are dead !
-Dead?
-Yeah. They were after me, Charlie!
Oh, God. This is Dickie's work. l know it!
So what are you gonna do?
-We'll call the police.
-What? No, you can't do that!
Dickie has those guys in his back pocket.
That's why l came to you.
Hey! This is serious shit!
You don't. . .
-l'm outta here.
-Hey, wait! No, don't do that!
Come on, hold on.
Just let me think for a second. OK?
Think someplace else.
This is the first place they're gonna look.
Damn it!
So where are we going anyway?
You'll see.
Well, they went on the lam for a bit, and
then Charlie made a couple of phone calls.
Take it easy now.
-Charlie!
-Don't worry. l'll take care of it.
Hey.
-Good work, Baileygates.
-Thanks.
Sorry l had to meet you
all the way out here.
-That's OK.
-lt's just as well. Poor gal's paranoid.
My kids are like that. They have this idea
that the cops are the bad guys. . .
Listen, l don't know what's going on
and l didn't tell the feds anything. . .
Dickie told me you were street-smart.
Why the hell would you run to this idiot?
Drop the gun, moron.
You're being video-taped.
-What're you talking about?
-There's a camera on my bike.
Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?
Score. Good move.
Get in the car.
Come on, come on, come on.
D'you mind telling me
what you were thinking?
Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid !
Tweak the high end
on your emotional EQ, sweetbeak.
The funky chicken was Charlie's dance.
l'm a tango man myself.
As you can imagine,
there was some explaining to do.
So Hank, as he called himself,
found a quiet spot
and spelled out the whole darn mess.
OK, so what you're saying
is that you're not Charlie.
You've seen Charlie in action.
He's like origami: folds under pressure.
When the big game's on the line,
he's busy riding the pine.
OK, wait. Can you just. . .
lt's simple.
Charlie's the mouse
that got you into the maze.
l'm the rat who can find the cheese.
The name's Hank. Hank Evans. . .
For little girls
So it's true. Charlie is a schizo.
l wouldn't know. l stay out of his business,
he stays out of mine.
Look.
Just because l rock
doesn't mean l'm made of stone.
l feel your fear. lt's coming through
like static on my heart radio.
Hank? Hank.
l really, really appreciate your help,
but is there any way that maybe we could
get Charlie back out here
for a little huddle?
No problem.
While you're at it, why not climb that pole
and take a piss on the power lines?
Look, l'm not here to twist your niblets.
l'm here to save your life, but if l'm gonna
do that, l'll need total uninononynymity.
OK.
Sound good, candypants?
Hank, don't call me that.
How the hell can they call Pluto a planet?
What motherfuckin' planet has
an elliptical orbit?
-This shit don't make sense.
-Motherfucker!
That motherfucker Vince Foster was
murdered. l told you that shit!
Hey, man, quit hackin' into
them goddamn Pentagon files.
Ain't no nevermind who them crooked
politicians be killin' . You need to study.
-What did Daddy tell you about snoopin'?
-Shit, yeah.
lf you keep fuckin' around,
you'll lose your Yale scholarship.
Be stuck up there at Stanford with
them goddamn motherfuckers.
Motherfucker, you be lucky
to get accepted to Duke,
gettin' a 1 430 on yo' SAT.
-Motherfucker, you know l had the flu.
-Flu, my ass!
You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm
to get a 1 430.
Hey, you talkin' some shit now.
That's probably one of them
lvy League sons of bitches now.
Show me yo' ass head up
and get the door, man.
Hey, Captain.
-Fellas.
-What the fuck is goin' on, man?
-This is Agent Annicelli.
-Gentlemen.
-What's happenin'?
-We've got a problem.
Pack your bags.
-We're locked and loaded.
-Great.
Got enough stuff
to hold us over for 72 hours.
Well, fuck my ozone.
We're gonna rock you
Hey, ringworm.
Yeah, l'm talkin' to you,
you toxic waste of life.
You gonna pick up that butt?
Or do l have to glue it to my shoe
and stick it in your pimply a-hole?
Hey, man. Take it easy.
lt's just a cigarette.
Oh, yeah?
Well, this is just a fist, but when l throw it
around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Let's dance.
Let's kick the shit out of
this crazy asshole!
Wait, he's a schizo!
What the hell's wrong with him?
What happened anyway?
Yeah, Charlie was taking a few lumps
on account of Hank's behavior.
But, save for a little blood in the urine,
he was no worse for the wear.
l'm sorry you had to meet Hank,
Miss Waters.
l thought l was bad.
That guy has some serious problems.
He did save our lives.
Anyway, Hank had a good idea.
He thinks. . .
You're gonna listen to Hank?
Come on, look what he did to me!
What are you thinking? He's out of control.
You know what we should do?
Find another department
and tell them the whole story.
Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far
Dickie's reach goes.
Then you know what?
l think it's time to call the best damn
law enforcement agency in the country.
The Rhode lsland State Troopers!
Do you really think
that the feds don't have some guy
up there right now, bugging calls?
They'd be on us in 1 0 minutes. And they
almost got me killed in the first place.
OK.
What was the genius's big plan?
He thinks that we should find a cabin
and hide out for a while.
Oh, yeah?
What about water and food and. . .
He already got supplies.
They're in the trunk.
These are the supplies?
Well, he had a plan, all right.
That's it? That's all he got?
Oh, no. There's more.
A rope,
shovel,
bag of lime and some lawn darts.
This is Christine DiCarlo live
from Clinton County, New York,
where the manhunt continues for
Rhode lsland State Trooper Baileygates.
. . .responsible for the death
of an EPA agent
and the kidnapping of lrene Waters.
Bullshit! My daddy ain't killed nobody
and he sure ain't kidnapped no bitch !
Your dad's sick, mentally.
He's had a breakdown.
The important thing is we find him
so nobody else gets hurt.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
Our daddy wouldn't
hurt a motherfuckin' fly.
No, he goes after bigger game.
We just got a report he put six bullets
into a cow's head.
Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
OK, look, let's say he does have a problem,
which he don't.
He's been takin' pills.
-He left his pills in the hotel room.
-That's where he left his sanity.
l've seen it first-hand.
The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.
One thing l don't understand, Lieutenant.
lf my daddy's such a scary-ass
motherfucker, why'd you go by yourself?
Who the fuck are you? Sergeant York
taking on the Germans yourself?
Your father's a police officer.
He asked me to come alone.
-How was l to know he's a nutcase?
-He ain't no fuckin' nutcase!
He may have delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage,
but he is a very gentle person.
Motherfucker robot! Motherfucker robot!
What's the fuss?
Stay away from me, Hank!
l know what you had planned.
l saw your so-called supplies.
That.
l wasn't gonna just ram it home, though.
l was gonna lube it up
and ease it in there inch by inch
like a gentleman.
l was talking about the shovel
and the lime.
Shovel and lime?
Thank you.
l haven't laughed like that in a long time.
What's so funny?
-We're driving a hot carriage.
-So?
That stuff belongs to the bad cop.
You think he was gonna take
our dead bodies down to the station?
lrene decided they should
go back to Rhode lsland,
but Hank had an idea first.
Are you sure about this?
You kidding? Every oinker east of the
Mississippi will be looking for this sled.
Safer to go mass transit.
Ready? On nine.
Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.
-Thanks for the kudos.
-Sure.
-Glad we're finally on the same page.
-Me, too.
-You OK?
-Yes, l'm fine.
Thought you were going over the edge.
Thank you.
You know, l think
you're a very special unit.
That's sweet.
l hope we can
get to know each other better.
Yeah. Me too.
Do you swallow?
l get it. We'll go slow.
-Hey!
-Yes?
You didn't happen
to pick up a wallet on the dash, did you?
You're kidding, right?
So what's your tale? Where you from?
Oh, all over.
Omnipresence. l like that in a woman.
l'm originally from Texas.
Middle-class neighborhood.
But after school
l moved to New York 'cause. . .
Let me guess.
Everybody said you were easy on the eyes,
so you tried to become a model.
But in the Big Apple, they treated you
like the worm, so you became an actress.
No, but. . .
But you can't get far without talent,
and the only bright lights you saw
were the ones inside the fridge.
So you got a boob job and went
looking for a rich man with a bum ticker
and waved a white flag
in the face of your own self-loathing.
-How's my aim?
-l never went to New York City.
l went to Cornell, then l got my master's
in Turf Management at U-Mass.
Then l became
a golf-course superintendent.
-And these are all mine.
-l notice you left out your eating disorder.
-l don't have an eating disorder.
-Whatever, slim.
Hands off, Hank.
Mom !
That's real nice, Hank.
Way to keep a low profile.
lt's survival at this point.
Hey, l know how to score some dough.
-Punch me.
-What?
-Punch me in the face.
-Why?
l'll tell the big cheese
l got rolled in the parking lot.
He'll hush me with some Benjamins.
They don't need that kind of ink.
Come on, rip my head off.
-That's really lame, Hank.
-You have a better idea? Come on !
-lt's not gonna work.
-Yes, it is, but you gotta rock me.
Don't give me a girly
"l don't want to break a fingernail" tap.
This guy's gotta look at my face and just. . .
Well, the kick in the chops
didn't work out as planned.
lt just left Charlie a little more roughed up.
How's the nose feeling?
Listen to it.
-l'm really sorry, Charlie.
-l'll get over it.
l mean, you should be furious.
l just drop-kicked you right in the face.
Hey, it happens.
You got a great way
of looking at life, Charlie. You know that?
That's a gift.
Yeah, l don't know
if my shrinks would agree.
They think that's my problem.
What?
That l purposely distort my perceptions
to make my reality more palatable.
Like you only hear what you wanna hear?
Thanks. l like to keep it short,
especially in the summer.
How come l couldn't have ended up with
an easy-going guy like you, Charlie? Huh?
Sometimes l think there's something
about my look that just attracts assholes.
That's crazy.
You're a very special girl, lrene.
Look at you.
You're just so down-to-earth.
l mean, look at your hair.
lt's like you don't give a damn.
And you let your skin hang out, blemishes
an' all. You're not afraid of your flaws.
Your face is all pursed up
like you just sucked on a lemon,
but you pull it off!
You thinkin' what l'm thinkin'?
-Oh, no.
-Oh, yeah.
Come on !
-l don't know if l can !
-Yes, you can !
Humans only use 1 0% of their potential !
You gotta reach down
for that little extra something !
There you go!
Now you're gettin' it!
l believe in you !
Don't you give up on me now!
Easier than l thought! Come on !
Go, Charlie. Go! You can do it!
Come on, Charlie!
Use more of your potential !
Come on, Charlie! Go!
Jump off!
-What?
-Jump off!
What?
Jump off the train !
lrene?
Come on. Stop fooling around.
l started thinking about it. Bad idea.
Trains are the first place they'll look.
Oh, come on.
We checked all the gas and food stops
along the interstate. No sign of 'em.
lnterstate! ls your old lady happy?
My old lady?
Cos if your fuckin' is like your police work,
you couldn't hit the G spot
on a 1 2lb pussy.
Watch yourself.
-What are you gettin' at?
-Look, Daddy ain't gonna take no road
where y'all blind-ass cops is lookin' .
And, motherfucker, he don't eat fast food.
OK, l have three dollars.
How much do you have?
-Six bucks.
-Let me go up and order, so we can go.
OK. l'll have a chicken breast sandwich.
No skin, dry toast.
You make me dizzy
running circles in my head
One of these days l'll chase you down
Well, look who's going crazy now
We're face to face, my friend
Better get out
Better get out!
-What are you starin' at, fucker?
-You know you make me break out. . .
Wanna start me up?
Just pull the cord, pal.
l'm due for a seismic event.
You're dancin' on the fault line.
-Hey, what is your problem, pal?
-l got no beef with you. Just the kid.
-Hey, stop it!
-He started it.
l'm so sorry. l apologize.
He suffers from this thing.
l'm standing right here, four-eyes.
Oh, poor baby. Has to let his daddy
fight his battles for him, huh?
He's an ass.
Pussy.
How's it hangin' , fellas?
Hank, l presume.
-D'you miss me?
-Why don't you get Charlie back?
Things were finally becoming civilized.
Pocahontas, you gotta put your ear
to the ground to hear the buffelo.
l don't know what that means, OK?
lt means either he makes up a battle plan,
or Hank'll take over Fort Charlie for good.
Did you just refer to yourself
in the fourth person?
Holy Jesus in heaven ! lt's a giant Q-Tip.
Hank!
What? l'm jokin' .
Bringin' a little sunshine into his life.
Careful, you'll peel.
-Do you need to see a menu?
-No, thank you. We've ordered.
That's it.
Hold on, cheese tits.
-Did l miss something?
-Don't give me that shit!
What you just did to that kid was terrible.
Didn't you see the look on his face?
Looked a little pale, that's all.
He was hurt and offended.
Well, l disagree, but why speculate?
-Hey, Milky! iVmonos!
-Hey, no!
Come on, Br'er Rabbit. Hop down
the bunny trail. Epa, epa, ndale.
Listen, were you offended in any way
by our social interaction here?
Yeah, actually l was.
What was it? The Q-Tip thing?
Actually l was pretty much offended
by everything you said, sir.
Sorry.
l'm truly sorry.
You OK?
You don't know what it was like.
Spending all those years
trapped behind a wall of politeness.
Bound and gagged. . .
ln a dark and silent world
where nothing grows but the anger.
All because some demon he married
laced up her boots
and did a Nancy Sinatra on him.
Charlie had a wife?
And then some.
l was a big piece
of the personality pie back then.
But when she left him,
Charlie went numb. . .
And l went AWOL.
Well,
if you were
such a big part of the personality,
then she left you too.
lt's true.
She left us.
l loved her.
Why'd she do this?
l'm not a bad person.
No, you're not a bad guy.
No, you're not.
D'you hear me?
You're a good person.
You really think so?
Yeah, l'm starting to.
You know what l'm gonna do?
l'm gonna make it up to Charlie.
And l'm gonna make it up
to that sweet little circus geek in there.
Hank?
Agent Boshane!
They were spotted leaving a health-food
restaurant 1 00 miles from here.
-1 5 minutes, tops.
-Got it.
They got 1 50 cordoned off?
Let's fly!
Can you please tell him to stop this?
Charlie, is that you?
Hey, my nose.
My nose is fixed.
-lsn't that great?
-How'd that happen?
Well, Hank wanted
to do something nice for you,
so he insisted that we
go to a plastic surgeon.
What? Did you say plastic surgeon?
Oh, my God.
What is this?
What d'you. . . What is this?
Hank thought that you kinda
had a weak chin, so. . .
What?
l like my chin. . .
l like my chin.
lt's my chin ! lt's my chin ! Mine!
How'd you pay for it?
l loaned him the money.
Who the hell are you?
lt's me.
Milky.
Who the hell is Milky
and what is he doing here?
lrene has a lot of people who would like
to see her in an unmarked grave.
l don't think it's safe
for you to hang around with us.
Why not?
You, lrene and Hank are my only friends.
What about your family?
Won't they miss you?
My family's all. . .
They're gone.
Oh, jeez.
Well, we can't call you Milky anymore.
What's your real name?
Casper. But my friends call me Whitey.
OK.
l can't find the time to tell you
l can't find the time to tell you. . .
Whoa!
So many things to say
l could fit it in a book, fit it in a book
of a thousand pages, yeah
So many people say
That l couldn't tell a lie, couldn't tell a lie
in a thousand ages
-Here you go. l got your car all filled up.
-Thank you, Joseph.
Oh, yeah.
Get your cock out of my Chrysler,
you son of a bitch !
You son of a. . .
l'm gonna kill you ! l'm gonna get you !
l can't find the time to tell you
l look at your pretty face
And l fall in love with you
Fall in love with you
Every time l see you there
They are flowing to the ground
Flowing to the ground
ln a mist around you
Baby, you're wrong
What's that on your shirt?
l'm sorry.
That was good.
Charlie, what the hell is that?
-Oh, yeah, l'm gonna fall for that.
-No, Charlie.
Not me.
Nice try though.
How dumb do l look?
l can't find the time to tell you
l can't find the time to tell you. . .
Hey, they only had two rooms: 1 9 and 20.
So you guys will have to bunk up.
l can't find the time to tell you
So, Whitey. . .
What happened to your family?
l killed them.
Come again?
When l was 1 5, l hacked them up
with a hammer while they were sleeping.
Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.
She was awake, my sis.
Which l regret.
Yeah, well. . .
We all have family stuff.
That's what makes the holidays so hard.
l just got released last month
on my 21 st birthday.
To tell you the truth, l really wasn't ready
to leave, but they said l had to.
That's a fucked-up law, huh?
Well, l guess they need the extra room
for the real. . .
Psychos.
l'm gonna go and try to make out
with whatsherface.
-Go for it.
-All right!
-What?
-Yeah.
He just told me that he brutally murdered
his entire family in their sleep!
-Oh, my God !
-He was a juvenile. They just let him out.
So, l was gonna ask if l could. . .
Stay here.
But l can sleep in the car.
That's me and my whippersnappers.
l'm Dorothy.
Look at you !
When did you take this? At Halloween?
No. Just messing around the house.
You seem like a really good dad, Charlie.
l try to be.
They're incredible kids. Oh, God.
So happy and funny.
They never give me any grief.
-They're the top three students out of 21 1 .
-Golly!
-l don't know where they get it from.
-That's just good genes.
You know, l don't think l. . . No, l don't think
l carry even one picture anymore.
-Why not?
-l don't know.
l used to when l was younger.
Pictures of friends and stuff like that.
l guess they just got old and fell apart.
Kind of like the friendships.
That's too bad.
-Tell you what. Why not keep that one?
-No, Charlie. That's yours.
Are you kidding? l have tons of them
at home. No, l got a bunch. Come on.
-You do?
-Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
l'm dry.
You know, l'm gonna go get a soda.
-You want a soda?
-Sure. OK.
l caught that, bozo.
Not once but twice it burned ya.
Give it another kick.
-l think l just had an epiphany!
-What?
That l might be able to control
this problem of mine.
How'd you learn that?
First the Coke machine robbed me.
And l'm fine with that.
But then some guy came up
and laughed in my face.
-Oh, no.
-No, no, but that's just it!
See? Just when l was starting to feel
those old familiar feelings,
l just took a deep breath, counted
backwards from 1 0 and l said to the guy
"Excuse me, sir, but your laughter
is not helping me right now."
And he said
"l'm sorry. l didn't mean to make fun."
That was it! l helped him with his bags.
-Really?
-Yes.
Well, that's great!
And you got the Cokes.
Just a little rap on the side
of the machine and presto!
Maybe that's it though, you know?
-Look what l found in my bag.
-Oh, no! Oh, boy.
What do you think? Do you?
Under the right circumstances,
sure, l could tip a few.
And these are the right circumstances.
There you go.
-Celebrate good times, come on.
-Oh, well.
Whoa, that must be mine!
Jesus! Oh, God.
Oh, my God !
lrene?
Why am l peeing
like l was up all night having sex?
Well, seems old Hank
had pulled a fast one.
And if that wasn't bad enough, there was
more trouble right around the corner.
l want everybody to stay put
and wait for my order.
-You mean you couldn't tell the difference?
-Are you serious?
-Who the hell could?
-A sober person for one.
So we had some drinks.
Well, look who joined the party.
Did you have fun?
"Ooh, yes, l did ! Ooh, yes l did !"
So old Hanky-Panky
wasn't enough for you, huh?
lt wasn't for me.
-Are you sure this is the woman?
-Absolutely.
When my boyfriend Scooter brought in
the paper, l recognized her right away.
Thanks a lot. Scooter.
-Here they come.
-Look, Starsky and Hutch, this is the plan.
Let us talk to our dad
so this ain't gotta be no big thing.
Thanks, but this is
the end of the line for you.
Officer Stubie'll drive you to the chopper.
What? You brung us all the way down
for us to leave now?
-That don't make no motherfuckin' sense!
-You've done all you can do.
This is a police matter from now on.
Wait. lt may be a police matter to you,
but the police don't matter shit to me
when it's my daddy in there!
l said you're gettin' the hell outta here.
That's the end of it.
Guys, look, l'm sorry.
l hate to admit it, but this time he's right.
-You can't be here. lt's a liability.
-He's the fuckin' liability!
Don't worry. This is my investigation.
l promise there will be no bloodshed.
l promise!
Come on, guys. Let's go.
You OK, Charlie?
Yeah. l'm just. . .
Freshening up!
How do you wanna handle it?
l say we storm the place
and start shooting.
-What if he's unarmed?
-Plant a gun on him afterwards.
Don't fuck it up this time.
Agent Boshane!
lt's Stubie.
He's got Baileygates and the girl.
What?
This is Boshane. What's going on?
l caught 'em out on 1 34 in a stolen vehicle.
Baileygates and the girl.
Officer Stubie,
l don't want you to attempt to move them.
-Don't move them ! We'll be right there.
-Get in your cars. Come on !
We sure is sorry, Officer,
but our daddy told us to trust our instinct,
and our instinct says
somethin' don't smell right. Let's roll.
You guys are making a big mistake!
'Cause l promise you,
when l find your old man,
l'm personally gonna fuck him up!
Why'd you go an' say
somethin' like that for, huh?
Lee Harvey.
-What's the diameter of a chicken egg?
-4.08cm.
-No, what's that in inches?
-1 .61 . What the fuck you gettin' at?
l got 1 0 bucks say
l can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass.
You can't put no chicken egg up his ass.
He's a tightass!
-No, it can be done.
-Yo, l'll take that bet.
-Right on.
-Pull yo' ass out!
l'll tell you one thing.
lf l didn't have bad luck,
l'd have no luck at all.
What are we gonna do about Whitey?
Take a guess. We're going on without him.
Moody.
Well, l didn't have
the fun you had last night.
Just the hangover
and the swollen prostate.
-D'you have any cash left?
-Yes. $60 , but it's Whitey's.
Yeah, well, bad things happen to people
who kill their family with a hammer.
-l'm payin' under protest.
-lt was close enough.
Yeah, whatever.
Shit.
Give me the scanner, so we can find out
what the fuck's goin' on !
Anybody know how to fly this thing?
Motherfucker, it's just lift
versus drag and rotation !
-Yeah, get your head out your ass!
-lt ain't that. This manual's in German.
-Motherfucker, you speak German !
-l can speak it. l didn't say l could read it!
You's a motherfuckin' disgrace!
Then get this motherfucker off the ground !
All right! Oh, shit!
Jesus!
Would somebody get this goddamn
chicken out of my ass, please?
Everybody, stay back. We'll do this alone.
l'll take 1 9 , you take 20 . Stay back!
Goddamn it!
Sons of bitches, l'll show 'em.
Sons of bitches.
-l need a gun and lots of ammo.
-Sorry.
-How far am l from Rhode lsland?
-Four or five hours.
Got a map of New England,
if you want. $1 .95.
-Here's a five. Keep the change.
-Thanks.
-Hello.
-Finneran, it's Charlie.
Charlie, you are in deep shit.
Where the hell are you?
Listen, you gotta get a message
to the colonel.
But no one outside the department
can know about this, OK?
'Cause this is deep.
Bring plenty of backup. You got it.
Don't worry. Nobody outside
the department will hear about this.
Watch yourself, buddy.
Thanks for notitying us, Officer.
No, you've been a really big help.
-You stay close.
-Yes, sir.
Excuse me.
-Where's Dickie?
-He's waiting for us in Boston.
l think it's time
our rich boy got his hands dirty.
Tell me.
How was. . .
Mr. Wonderful?
This is getting really ridiculous, Charlie,
so just let it go.
l turn my back for one minute
and you stick it up my ass! Literally!
For your information,
you stuck it in your own ass!
Don't turn this around on me, OK? You're
the one who can't keep your legs closed.
-Why are you doing this?
-Because l l. . .ike you.
What?
l like you.
Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.
l'm just a ditz.
A ditz? What are you talking about?
You're 27 years old.
You're the superintendent
of a major golf resort.
Yeah, well, l kind of fudged my rsum
a little bit to get that job.
Look, l don't know the first thing about
running a golf course, Charlie. l'm a model.
l moved to New York,
but none of it worked out,
so then l tried to be an actress and. . .
l got this eating disorder
where l gained, like, 20lb.
-That's not that bad.
-ln a week.
So l kind of lost my self-respect.
Before you know it, l had 70-year-old guys
trying to support me
and l really didn't like
who l was becoming.
God, l have made so many mistakes.
lrene. . .
You didn't know what Dickie was up to.
Did you?
l may be a ditz, but l'm not a crook.
When we met, light was set
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind-chime voice sounds
Sway of your hips 'round rings true
My ass is really sore.
lt goes deep inside of you
Wow!
l never get tired of hearing that.
Hey.
l'm lookin' for my friends.
A pretty blonde and a guy with a buzz cut.
-Cabin E.
-Thanks a lot.
Don't make a sound.
l don't know anything,
and that's what l told the police.
Shut up, lrene! You just listen to me.
Maybe we can work something out.
Time to face the music, Mozart.
And one, and two, and. . .
Warden, l want my own cell.
Great. You again.
-What tree did this sap ooze out of?
-lt's Dickie! He got me into all this crap!
-Oh, your golf buddy.
-Yeah.
-l hope it's OK if l play through.
-Hank!
-OK, turn around. l'll play the back nine.
-Stop it!
Come on. He couldn't have
chewed up the greens that badly.
Get away from me!
He hasn't played the course in a long time.
lt was Charlie who was putting.
-Charlie?
-Yeah.
He might not be long on the tee,
but he's got a good up-and-down game.
What's that suppo. . .
Can we speak English?
l never wanted to sleep with you, Hank!
OK? You tricked me!
That's right, l did trick you. lt was
deceitful, disgusting and despicable.
But just this once,
try to look at it from my side.
l was horny.
Oh, God !
You are such an asshole!
Come on.
Don't be mad, my little pussyfart.
l warned you about that, buddy!
Warned me about what?
Charlie?
Providence, Rhode lsland.
Ten-minute stop.
Did you. . .
-What?
-What's going on?
-Hank was coming on to me again.
-Hank!
Damn it. l am so sick of that guy!
OK, Hank, come out here. Let's settle this
the old-fashioned way. Come on !
l may not be tough,
but damn it, l can get good and mad !
Stop it, man. You're scaring me.
-What's the matter?
-Let's go before he wakes up.
l'm not through with you, buster.
l'm not through with you !
What's the matter, Hank?
Afraid to pick on someone your own size?
Are you OK? What happened?
That was dirty.
All right. Come on.
Where are you? Where are you?
Here l am.
You bastard !
Stop it, you're gonna kill him !
You're choking me!
You're choking me!
Charlie, don't break it.
Get on your knees and beg me. Up yours.
On your feet. We're gonna have fun.
lrene!
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates.
Wanna see my weasel?
Free hot dogs here. All you can eat.
Get your foot-long and a bag of nuts.
No! Don't listen to him !
lt's not me! lt's Hank!
lt's Hank!
Come back here, Hank!
l'm not through with you !
Had enough? Up yours.
Stop it, you two!
-lt's Gerke! Come on !
-Hank, truce? For now, fucker.
Watch out! He's got a gun !
l'll follow the girl. You get Baileygates!
Police officer! Everybody down ! Get down !
Outta the way!
Hank, we're shot!
You pussy, it's just a flesh wound. Look.
Look, there's keys in that car.
No, l can't go on.
l think. . .
l think l'm gonna faint.
Do you mean to say
l've gotta carry your sorry ass?
All right.
Come on, Rip Van Wussy.
Jesus, you're heavy.
Now get in there!
And we're gone.
Shit! Don't worry.
Hank, what have you done? Oh, my God !
Don't you just love it?
You are a sick pup.
Yeah, well, takes one to know one.
What are you doing? Hank?
Ever been bitch-slapped?
l'm gonna kill you, Hank! l swear to God !
Arrivederci, deadwood. No!
What are you still doin' here?
Hank, we're in this together.
Pritchard.
Cover the other end.
l want Charlie arrested on sight.
Hey, lrene. You just keep walking, now.
lrene!
Baileygates, you're coming with me.
-Not now, Finneran.
-Yes, now!
That was me.
Yeah, big deal.
-Shut up, Hank! You're so. . .
-Hank!
-Hank!
-Hey! Let her go!
She asked for me, asshole.
Big deal !
Dickie, you know l don't know anything !
Shut up, lrene. lt's too late.
Hank!
-No way.
-Come on.
Oh, no. Water.
Yeah. She's screwed. l'll buy you a beer.
No! We're doin' it!
Hank!
Hank! What are you doing?
Give me the leg !
Hank, hurry!
This is my body!
Do you understand that?
l call the shots from now on, Hank!
l don't need you
to fight my battles for me!
lf you can back down from something
this important, you're nothing at all !
You're nothing at all !
l got my leg back.
Oh, no. Hank!
l'm coming, lrene!
-Hank!
-lt's OK, lrene.
Hank's gone.
-lt's me, Charlie.
-Charlie?
Maybe you should go back and get help.
No, l can handle it.
l'm warning you, pal.
You're gonna get hurt.
Be careful, Charlie!
-Just do what he says, Charlie!
-Back off! Just turn around ! Now!
Take it easy, Dickie. Take it easy.
There's nowhere to go.
Come on, Dickie.
Give me the gun. Come on.
Come on. That's it.
Nice and easy.
Where's my thumb?
That's kidnapping and assault!
-Why stop there?
-No!
Oh, God !
Whitey!
Rock 'n' roll !
lrene!
-lrene!
-What?
Oh, my God !
Keep goin' . Bring it down.
We're comin' , Daddy! We're comin' , man !
lt's my kids!
Hang on, Daddy!
Grab a hold of that motherfucker, man !
So, how's my thumb lookin' , Doc?
l'll let you know when l find it.
lrene, Charlie,
this is Agent Steve Parfitt, FBl.
You must be real proud of these maniacs.
Oh, l am.
Yeah, we're proud
of this motherfucker too.
lt's good to see you're safe, Dad.
The colonel informed them
that all the guilty parties had been
apprehended.
Gerke was arraigned
at a Providence hospital,
and Agent Boshane had been arrested
at the train station in New London.
But Charlie Baileygates
had other things on his mind.
-Charlie, nicely done.
-Thanks, Sea Bass.
Hey, Whitey. Listen, l wanted to tell you
that l really appreciate
everything you did for me.
l owe you a huge one.
And l'm truly sorry
that you had to kill again.
-Must be messing with your head.
-l never killed anyone before.
-What?
-You're a schizo who's wanted for murder,
and you're laying in bed next to me
gabbing like a 1 6-year-old girl
on the phone.
You freaked me out, man.
But what about your family?
How did they die?
l never said they were dead.
l said they were gone.
They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.
Look at me.
l wouldn't last two minutes in the desert.
Hey, your bandage is wet.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe it's time to come off.
l'm surprised it's held on this long.
Hey, that's not so bad.
Hey, Daddy, we just wanted to say that. . .
Holy shit!
Look, Daddy got a butthole on his face.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
He sure is
a Spartacus-lookin' motherfucker.
Hey, Daddy, now you can blow your nose
and wipe your ass at the same damn time!
You know what l'm saying?
-So. . .
-So. . .
-How'd your meeting with the shrink go?
-Wonderful.
Clean bill of health.
A well-rounded individual.
That's great, Charlie.
l'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
Well. . .
l hope if you're ever,
you know, around here, you'll. . .
Come and visit us.
Yeah.
-Little Rhodie.
-Biggest little state in the union.
-Let me get that for you.
-Thanks.
-Hey, lrene?
-Yeah?
Maybe l could come
visit you sometime soon.
Promise?
You bet.
And that's the word
of a Rhode lsland State Trooper, ma'am.
l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin'
Beneath my feet
l feel the rumble of a subway train, yeah
l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing
l hadn't been tryin'
The train came in breathless
The passengers restless
She said "Baby, you'll never change"
You gotta get goin'
You gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down. . .
You gotta be kidding.
Hold it right there.
Miss Waters?
l'd like you to step out of the car.
What did l not do now?
-We've reason to believe this is stolen.
-What?
No, no, l rented this car!
Would you step out of the car, please?
Great.
Front of the car, please.
Hands on the hood.
Spread your legs.
-That's great.
-Thank you. Following procedure, ma'am.
Oh, you guys!
You guys are beautiful ! Look,
why don't we skip the trial, get right to it?
You can lock me up
and keep me here forever!
That's what l had planned.
Look.
-l hope her little skinny ass is reading this.
-Man, l'm pretty sure she's lookin' , man.
Oh, Charlie.
lt's gonna be raining wine
and roses tonight.
lt'll be rainin' my motherfuckin' cookies
if this motherfucker don't stop
this turbulence shit!
Well, that's Charlie's story,
and l'm sticking to it.
They all moved in together
and lived as one big happy family.
Charlie and lrene, the guys,
even that nice albino fella, Whitey.
And l'm happy to report
Charlie got promoted to lieutenant
in the greatest law enforcement agency
in the land: the Rhode lsland State Police.
Yeah, it was a regular slice of Americana.
Y'all come back now! Thanks
for watching our motherfuckin' movie!
You gotta keep goin'
Hey, the world ain't slowin' down
For no one
lt's a carnival callin' out to you
lt's callin' out to you
lt sounds like a song
lt hits you like Scripture
You paint the picture
with colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go. . .
Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go-round?
Hey, look, the world ain't slowin' down
Hey, hey
The world ain't slowin' down
Hey, hey
lt's a big blue world
We're ridin' on a big blue world
ln the mornin' you go gunnin'
For the man who stole your water
Then you fire till he's done in
But they catch you at the border
And the mourners are all singin'
As they drag you by your feet
But the hangman isn't hangin'
And they put you on the street
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Wheels turnin' round and round
You go back, Jack
Do it again
When you know you're no high climber
And you find out your only friend
ln a room with a two-timer
And you're sure you're near the end
Then you love a little wild one
You bring to her a smile
and then l saw one
All the time that you know you're smilin'
Your black cards can make you money
So you hide them when you're able
ln the land of milk and honey
You must put them on the table
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Wheels turnin' round and round
You go back, Jack
Do it again
Hope unknown
Sometimes just waking is surreal
l walk right through the nameless ones
l know that hope's unknown
Sometimes the water feels so real
As l walk through, it fills my lungs
My God, l'm drowning
This day never seems to end
this pain never
This day never seems to
This rage l cannot let go
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
So alone
Sometimes l swear that l can hear
The taunting of the voiceless ones
l fear that l alone
Fear those who finally ceased to feel
That they're alone inside this place
l am the misplaced
This day never seems to end
this pain never
This day never seems to
This rage l cannot let go
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
Now every face looks familiar
Then every face melts away till now
Everyone, do you know
l know your deception?
Now every face looks familiar
Then every face melts away till now
Everyone, do you know
l know your deception?
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
l hear them calling
l feel them gnawing
Holes through flawless souls
OK, everybody,
the water temperature is 63 .
Pop's thumb should be OK
if we find it within the next six hours.
-Sure?
-Do the math, motherfucker.
-Damn !
-Jeez.
-Fellas, l think l found it!
-What?
-False alarm.
-Oh, damn, Whitey!