Men in Black 3 (2012) Movie Script
[DOOR BUZZES]
[DOOR LOCKS]
[SLOSHING]
[BEEPING]
Well, well,
Boris the Animal has a visitor.
I guess one every 40 years is okay.
[SCANNER WHIRRING]
It's a cake.
I decide what it is.
Looks like some kind of cake.
She's clean.
Well, not clean, but you know...
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, God.
Boris the Animal...
you've got a visitor.
BORIS:
It's just Boris.
Your letters have been
a soul-nourishing
tonic.
And you are much more
unconventionally handsome
than your photos.
[BOTH MOANING]
GUARD:
This ain't a conjugal visit.
So quit your conjugating.
When's the last time
you conjugated anything?
I see you've brought me a treat,
darling.
Would you mind cutting this up
for us? It's a special day.
I'm a romantic like that.
Oh, I wouldn't do that.
Why's that?
It'll ruin your figure.
[SCREAMING]
[GROWLS]
[CHITTERING]
[CHIRPING]
You complete me.
[ALARM WAILING]
[SNARLS]
The big one.
MAN: Boris! You promised
to take me with you!
We had a deal!
Obadiah Price.
Yes. I did make you
a promise.
[CHIRPS]
[OBADIAH GRUNTS AND YELLS]
BORIS:
Wait. I smell something.
GUARD: You can't win, Boris.
BORIS: Mm.
Let's agree to disagree.
There's too many of us.
Rather hot in here.
Mind if I open a window?
[ALL YELL]
[GASPS]
Sorry, darling.
We did love the cake.
[YELLS]
Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?
[ROARS]
Good afternoon.
Please give your attention
to my associate, Agent J.
He's going to demonstrate
an electro-biomechanical,
neural-transmitting,
zero-synapse repositioner.
We call it the neuralyzer.
- Keep it simple, slick.
- Thanks a lot.
Thank you, Agent K.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
if you will look right here.
You know how you're on a plane and
you're asked to turn your phone off?
You're like, "I ain't turning it off.
Has nothing to do with a plane."
Well, this is what we get.
That's what happens.
It gets up there, bounces around
on the satellites and blam!
Just turn your damn phone off.
Now you're gonna drive off a cliff
tonight because your GPS don't work.
Check the composition of the
fuel units and surface deposits.
I wanna know who was driving.
Yes, sir.
- What are you gonna say tonight?
- Ah, don't worry.
No, I'm very worried.
This is important.
- I'm hungry. You hungry?
- K.
J: Seriously, I'm not
even sure that's meat.
I think I just saw a tooth in
that thing, or a claw, or a hoof.
Thanks, Manny.
That does not belong in a pita,
it belongs in a casket.
What would go good with this
would be silence.
See, here's the problem.
You can't smell it
because your nose already
smells like that, but my nose doesn't.
Silence goes good with a lot of things.
Ever try or is talking how you breathe?
Just say you hate me.
Don't take it out on the car.
Let me enjoy this.
Whoa, enjoyment. Ha, ha.
So that's what enjoyment looks like
on that face. I like that emotion.
I keep emotion out of it.
Out of what, K? Life?
You don't wanna run it by me?
- Let me know what you'll say?
- Don't worry.
Oh, no, I'm worried.
Very worried.
It's the man's eulogy.
You have to show some feeling.
That thing people do when they
change their facial expression?
I worked with Zed for 40 years.
A hell of an agent.
And I have written
a hell of a speech for him.
People will be moved.
Mm-hm.
[ALIEN CLEARING THROAT]
ALIENS:
# Amazing grace #
[ALIENS SINGING
IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]
# Was blind but now #
# I see # #
MAN:
And now a few words from Agent K.
I worked with Zed for over 40 years,
and in all that time
he never invited me to dinner.
He never asked me to his house
to watch a game.
He never shared a single detail
of his personal life.
Yeah, he was weird.
Thank you.
MAN: And now we will hear
from our new chief, Agent O.
O: Thank you, Agent K.
That was very moving.
- That was your eulogy?
- He was a good man.
O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms.
When I told the Finucian Zyglot
about Zed's passing,
she said something
that I'm going to repeat.
And I'm paraphrasing.
Ahem.
[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]
[SIGHS]
That's just so Zed.
Thank you.
[ROY ROGERS' "I'M AN OLD
COWHAND" PLAYING ON RADIO]
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
I'm an old cowhand # #
You lose something over here,
Hondo?
Can you promise, if I go first, you'll
do better than that at my funeral?
You know, something like, uh:
[IMITATING K]
"J was a friend.
Now there's a big part of me
that's gone.
Oh, J, all the things
that I should have said,
except I was too old
and craggy and surly
and just tight. I was too
tight.
I'm gonna just miss
your caramel-brown skin."
I'll wing something.
O [OVER RADIO]: K, it's O. We have reports
of several humans suffering from
intestinal worms of alien origin.
Thank you, O.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
How did you get to be like you?
Something happened, K.
What happened?
You know how I live
such a happy life?
How you live such a happy life?
I don't ask questions
I don't want to know the answer to.
Mm-mm. That's deep.
MAN:
# And that's what happens #
# When you live with your mother #
# Try to take her home
And Mom goes "Mm-mm" # #
[HUMMING AND SCATTING TO ROCK
MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Jeffrey.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Do I know you?
Your services are legendary,
so says your father, Obadiah.
You were in Lunar-Max.
[IN DEEP RASPY VOICE]
There is no prison that can hold me.
Uh... Cool for you.
What do you need from me, man?
The device.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm going back in time
to kill a man before he takes my arm.
MAN [IN CHINESE ACCENT]:
Oh, K, J!
So happy to see you. Uh, Mr.
Wu get you your regular table?
You no hungry?
Show us the tanks, Wu.
Oh, sure, sure. You look.
Very fresh.
Show us the tanks in the back.
Ha, ha. So sorry. No speak English.
You come back later, okay?
Save the chop-socky bullshit
for the tourists, Wu.
[SIGHS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, what you
guys wanna bust my balls for, huh?
You don't have no balls.
Ooh.
Man, you look like
you come from the planet
Damn.
And Bob here is a clear violation
of Health Ordinance 32:
Selling unlicensed extraterrestrial...
[SQUEALS]
foodstuffs.
That is an Earth fish.
Very traditional in China.
You arrest me,
that's a hate crime!
It would be
if you were Chinese.
K, come on.
I got larvae to feed.
Who is the Spiky Bulba for?
Nobody.
K:
Who's it for?
I keep them in case!
- In case what?
- I don't know!
Anybody!
K:
All right, you slug.
[ALIEN SQUEALS]
Whoa, whoa. Uh...
Wu,
uh, he and I are having issues right
now, but you shouldn't suffer for that.
Thank you, J.
So if you don't like getting
fish-slapped, keep to our agreement.
Earth people get Earth fish.
Real Earth fish.
On behalf of my pathetic self
and worthless children, you stay.
Allow me most honorable benefit
of serving you favorite noodles, K?
Don't nobody want
your nasty-ass noodles.
You're a piece of shit, Wu.
Shrimp and bok choy.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
J:
That was just mean.
What you did to Wu back there.
Snatched his skirt off.
That's just disrespectful.
I used to play a game
with my dad:
What'll You Have
For Your Last Meal.
You could do worse than this.
Oh. Okay. Um...
I played a game with my dad
called catch.
Except I'd throw the ball
and it'd just hit the wall
because he wasn't there.
Don't badmouth your old man.
I'm not badmouthing him.
I just didn't really know him.
It's not right.
Damn right it's not.
A boy needs a father.
Table one hasn't ordered a thing.
Table three
just drank his fourth cup
of duck sauce.
[PHONE RINGING]
O:
K, the crashed ship
from this morning
was stolen from...
K:
Lunar-Max.
Boris the Animal.
How did you know?
He has a taste for Spiky Bulba.
Give us a minute, chief.
We're in a situation.
K:
Oh, yeah.
I take the Chloropod.
You take the Tarantabee
and the Hydronian over there.
I'll take the kitchen.
Meet you on the street.
This is a very confusing time
in my life.
[SCREAMS]
- Unh!
- Hey.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Shh, shh!
Keep your mouth closed,
keep your head down.
[CREATURE SNARLING]
Hi-yah!
[GRUNTS]
[ALIEN ROARING]
[WHEEZING]
[SNEEZES]
[YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
[ALIEN ROARS]
[ALIEN SHRIEKS]
[GROANS]
Ugh!
[RETCHES AND GRUNTS]
[SHRIEKS]
Hello, K.
Boris the Animal.
It's just Boris.
You haven't changed very much.
I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Yes, my arm.
We've thought about that moment
every day for the last 40 years.
Well, that's just not living a full life.
I can promise you
it will be longer than yours.
Lonelier too. Since you're
the last Boglodite standing.
We'll see about that.
But first,
I want the pleasure of killing you.
Yo, K.
- Where the hell have you been?
- Fishing.
[J & K SCREAMING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
You don't know it, K,
but you're already dead.
You all right?
[ALIEN ROARING]
May I have everyone's attention,
please?
Thank you.
You know how your kid won
the goldfish in that little baggie
from the fair and you didn't
want it in your house
so you told your kid it ran away
when you flushed it down the toilet?
Well, this is what happens.
Okay? See what I'm talking about?
Don't lie to your kids.
Man, I am getting too old
for this.
I can only imagine how you feel.
Boris the Animal.
I put him away a long time ago.
It's the worst mistake I ever made.
Why? Was he innocent?
Should have killed him.
- Well, shit, let's go get him.
- No.
- No?
- Leave it alone.
It's above your pay grade.
We have the same pay grade.
It has nothing to do with you.
Mind your own business.
Okay, first of all, let's get a little bit
of that bass out your voice.
Secondly, as long as Spikey Boy is
running around, this is my business.
You forget about Boris
or my report will reflect
that your conduct
has been unbecoming.
Well, maybe my report
is gonna reflect some shit too, K.
- You are suspended for two weeks.
- Bullshit.
Four weeks.
How about I quit?
K: There are things out
there you don't need to know.
That's not the lie you told me
when you recruited me.
What up, pops?
- Lose your partner?
- Yeah.
WOMAN 1 [OVER PA]:
Next shuttle to Afazumba
leaving in 22 minutes.
[WOMAN 2 SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER PA]
J:
Search
Boris the Animal.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Boris the Animal, Boglodite assassin.
Boglodites were a rogue alien race
that consumed all planets
in their path.
Boris the Animal
was the only suspect
in a series of alien murders
on Earth.
Incident report.
Boris the Animal was convicted
for the following murders
that occurred on July 15, 1969.
Murder number one: Coney Island,
10:37 a.m. Roman the Fabulist.
Murder number two: The Factory.
Refine search.
Agent K.
Junior Agent K apprehended
and arrested
Boris the Animal on July 16, 1969,
at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
- Cape Canaveral.
- Agent K
received highest commendation
for heroic action,
including implementation
of the Arc Net Defense System
which protected the Earth
from Boglodite invasion
and led to the race's extinction.
Details.
Access restricted.
Excuse me? Clearance level
senior agent, class one. J.
Access denied.
What?
[WOMAN 3 SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER PA]
So why this sudden interest in
your partner's old exploits? Hm?
What happened between Boris and K?
That's easy.
K imprisoned Boris.
He put up the Arc Net.
He protected the Earth
from the Boglodites.
He did his job.
That's not what I'm asking.
Cape Canaveral, what happened?
Something that changed him.
Leave it at that.
Hm. So you two go way back, huh?
[COMPUTER BLEEPS]
That's classified.
A word of advice, Agent J.
Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to.
That's funny.
That is exactly what K said.
He's a very wise man.
Take the rest of the night off.
[PHONE RINGING]
What?
Guess I owe you
some answers, hoss.
What, you're feeling chatty
all of a sudden?
I can't talk right now. I've got secret
cases of my own I'm working on.
I hate to tear you away
from your video game.
All right, I'm hanging up.
You know the most destructive force
in the universe?
Sugar?
Regret.
You don't have to wait. Just talk.
I promised you the secrets
of the universe. Nothing more.
So there's secrets out there
the universe don't know about?
[SIGHS]
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[GUN POWERS UP]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
GIRL:
Mommy.
Can I help you?
Uh...
K?
5K.
Uh...
I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?
Can I...? I'm so sorry.
I don't know what...
GIRL:
Mommy, the president is drinking
...my milk.
- Mmm.
I'm sorry.
He didn't say please.
- K get in yet?
- Who?
You new?
Very funny, Agent J.
J, everything you told me
yesterday, you were right as rain.
- Thank God for that 10-hour stakeout.
- Who are you?
Exactly. I feel like
a whole new man today.
Like this great weight has been lifted.
I've had anger issues my entire life,
but now I see I was mad at myself.
And my stepmom.
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to stop talking.
It's like I closed
this emotional window.
But I threw a brick
through that window.
Thank you for handing me
that brick, J.
Whoever you are, give me five feet
or I'll pluck you in your throat.
I'm gonna go
to the little Men's-in-Black room,
then we'll go find those morons
from Pox Ethera. Lunch is on me.
Who was that?
Double A? Your partner.
Uh, I need you to go get me some
chocolate milk, all right?
Just a really big glass.
Have you seen K?
Did he call in sick
or anything?
Who's K?
All right, all right,
go ahead, go ahead.
K!
All right.
You got me.
I'll give it to you.
It's funny, very elaborate.
Oh, and all of you,
fantastic performances.
You waited 14 years
to develop a sense of humor,
but this is a good one.
But, K, I need you
to come out here now
because I'm starting
to get a little pissed off.
Agent J, would you mind
keeping your voice down
and telling me
who you're looking for?
I'm looking for K.
Who is K?
Unh! You too? You too.
I mean, who is he to you?
My partner.
Older gentleman, 110,
maybe 111 years old.
Sort of a surly, Elvis thing happening
with him. He smiles like this.
Seen him around?
I'll take you to K.
Thank you.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
- What is that supposed to be?
- That's K.
He's been dead for over 40 years.
Okay, see, the prerequisite for a joke
is that it be funny.
It's never been funny.
Computer, Agent K
and Boris the Animal.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Men in Black
incident report, July, 1969.
Location, Cape Canaveral.
Perpetrator Boris the Animal
escaped and fled Earth.
Assumed to have returned to planet
Boglodotia 20 light-years away.
Agent K pronounced dead at scene.
Awarded posthumous commendation
for action which prevented
greater loss of human life.
That's not what happened.
I looked at this report.
K put Boris away...
- Agent K is dead.
- Well, I just talked to him last night.
- You are imagining.
- I'm not.
- I need a psych team up here.
- Yes, ma'am.
Aqua Velva aftershave.
I didn't imagine that.
Every stakeout,
endless hours of cowboy music.
Every morning with his coffee,
he'd say:
[IMITATING K] "I tell you something,
slick. This coffee tastes like dirt."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And I was
supposed to say, "What do you expect?
- It was ground this morning."
- "This morning."
How do you know that?
Chocolate milk, sir?
Where you been, man?
It was like an hour ago.
O:
Wait.
How long have you been craving
chocolatized dairy products?
J:
Just today.
Are you experiencing headaches?
Dizziness?
- Loss of balance?
- Mm-hm.
Agitation? Depression?
Hell, yeah.
[SIGHS]
Two possibilities.
One is you've been bitten
by a Hovartian brain tick
and could die in horrible agony
at any moment.
[YELLS]
Damn it. It's not the tick.
"Damn it, it's not the tick"?
It's something worse than the tick?
Mm.
Your obsession
with chocolate milk indicates
that you might be involved
in a temporal fracture.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Chocolate milk relieves
temporal-fracture headaches.
What's a temporal fracture?
A break in the timeline.
Don't know what you mean.
Time travel! Time travel.
There's no such thing
as time travel.
- Well, there is.
- No.
There's not.
Because if there were
a class-one senior agent
such as myself
would have been aware of it,
wouldn't he have?
Were it not classified
and way above his pay grade.
You know, I need a raise.
There was one man, scumbag,
Obadiah Price,
he figured it out, we busted him,
we made time travel illegal
throughout the universe
and he is serving life on Lunar-Max.
No... That's where Boris
was locked up.
Uh... If Boris worked out
how to time jump,
he could seriously change
the course of history.
[ALARM WAILING]
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Attention.
Early-warning system engaged.
Inbound hostile warships
entering solar system.
Boglodite markings
and language detected.
Boglodite. Boris is a Boglodite,
but they're extinct.
Apparently not.
Catastrophic Earth attack imminent.
Put up the Arc Net.
- The what?
- The Arc Net. The defense system.
K got it for the Boglodites.
There is no K.
He's been dead for over 40 years.
No K. No defense system.
Boris jumped back and killed him.
If you wanna save the world,
stop that from happening.
You have to find Jeffrey Price.
He's Obadiah's son.
Let's hope the little squirt
hasn't skipped town.
ALIEN 1: Good luck, J!
ALIEN 2: This planet's toast. Ha-ha-ha.
How can I help you?
We're having an amazing sale
on batteries.
Whoa. Okay, we got other stuff,
like headphones, adapters or...
You helped Boris the Animal
time jump.
Whoa, whoa.
Okay, I had to. That dude's a freak.
He killed my partner.
I want to know when
and where you sent him.
What, you think I keep,
like, a logbook?
Huh.
J:
Target vector, July 16,
- 1969.
- All right.
That's a real bummer
about your buddy.
I'm sure he was a great guy.
But in terms of
the space-time continuum,
your friend was a little blip
on the historical radar!
Oh.
That's a big blip.
- Okay. What's the plan?
- You're gonna send me
back to July 15th, 1969.
No, that's a stupid plan,
because I sent Boris to July 16th.
I'm not worried about that one.
I'll kill the younger Boris
before the older one shows.
That way, neither of them
will even exist.
That's why you get to wear
the black suit.
No?
You're gonna leave me hanging?
Okay.
Oh, I just thought of something.
Even back then,
New York was like a big-ish city.
So how are you
gonna really find him?
On July 15th, Boris killed an alien,
Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.
You're gonna get there first
and be waiting?
Dude, they should give you
two black suits.
My man, for real?
Oh, right.
Sorry. Um...
This...
is the real deal. Time-jump gear.
Very rare, very old.
But first, we gotta get high.
Hey. No.
No. No, I mean, really high.
JEFFREY: Unh! Hey,
man? A little help here?
Unh. Thank you.
Okay.
- You know the rules of time jumps?
- Give me the short version.
Okay. You wanna save
your partner, word of advice:
Stay away from him.
Yeah, got it. Stay away from K.
Just kill Boris.
Now, take these.
It gets pretty windy
on the way down.
The way down?
With eyes tearing up,
it's hard to read the dial.
Plus, it helps you look like a real
time traveler, which is cool.
I am not jumping off of this building!
Time jump.
Okay, now,
I gotta set this thing
to the 15th.
Uh, that seems
right-ish.
Now
all you gotta do is jump.
Hey, hey, stop. Stop it.
When you're moving
fast enough,
that circle is gonna fill up with
some sort of green time-travel liquid
and it's gonna glow
really bright.
As soon as that happens,
break that blue laser line
with your thumb
to complete the circuit.
At this height,
that should be, uh...
Let's see, mass of Earth and
30-something feet per minute...
It's 32 feet per second, per second!
That sounds right-ish.
So that would be, I guess, uh,
about two feet off the ground.
I break the laser line?
No, don't break it!
- No, when I'm fast enough!
- Sounds good!
Do I break the laser line
or do I not break the laser line?
Do not lose that time device
or you will be stuck in 1969!
It wasn't the best time
for your people.
I'm just saying.
It's, like, a lot cooler now.
How will I know if it works?
You'll either know...
or you won't.
You must really love this guy
to do this.
Oh, wait. How come I remember K,
but nobody else does?
Whoa! Whoa.
- That means you were there!
- I was where?
If you survive, you gotta come back
and tell me everything.
Where was I?
You gotta go!
Just go, go, go!
[ALARM WAILING]
[SIGHING]
[SHRIEKING]
Oh, no!
Heh.
Come on!
[MAN SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
[SCREAMING]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS THEN PANTING]
[CHUCKLING]
[TICKING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[THE K GROUP'S "LOVE IS
STRANGE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
# Love #
# Love is strange #
# When you leave me # #
- My man, what's today?
- Tuesday.
- The date?
- The 15th.
- Of?
- July.
- Dog, the year.
- 1969.
Thank you.
Look at me like I'm crazy.
MAN 1:
Far out.
Jerry rocked Haight-Ashbury
like you wouldn't believe.
MAN:
Okay, we're here.
- Happy?
WOMAN: You're such a pill, Fred.
FRED: Get us checked in.
WOMAN: Yeah, yeah.
Hey. Hey, do me a favor, all right?
- Be careful with the luggage.
- Absolutely, sir.
FRED: I paid a lot of
money for that luggage.
BELLBOY: We'll take good care...
FRED: Last time, it got scuffed up.
Here you go, sir.
Just call down when you need it.
There's more in the trunk.
Uh, yeah, it'll be in your room, sir.
Just go in.
BELLBOY: Excuse me.
Excuse me, who is that?
Who are you?
# Bell Flight 14, you now #
# Can land #
[HONKING]
Let's go!
# Safe on the green desert sand #
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
# It's so very lonely #
# You're 2000 light-years #
# From home # #
Far out, man!
If you want to keep that,
I wouldn't.
Make love, not war.
I prefer to do both.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[SIREN WAILING]
How are you, officers?
What can I do you for?
Well, look at this.
Power windows, power seats.
- I'll bet you it cost 6 grand.
- Yeah.
Uh, yes, and it has a roof,
but it's hidden.
Hey, what kind of work
do you do?
An individual of your
particular ethnic persuasion?
- Mm...
COP: Maybe he's a noted athlete.
Mm.
Yes. Uh... Starting forward
for the Detroit Darkies.
- Where'd you get the car?
- And the suit?
I stole them both.
Uh, car from your wife,
suit from your grandmother.
[GRUNTS]
Hey.
What do we have here?
Concealed weapon?
Hey, it's his grandmother's suit.
- Hey, what's this?
- Probably drugs.
I have rights
and I demand to see my lawyer
before you press that small button
on the side firmly.
Press it.
That, gentlemen,
is a standard-issue neuralyzer.
You're not gonna remember that.
And just because you see
a black man driving a nice car
does not mean it's stolen.
I stole that one.
But not because I'm black.
I'll be done
with the car in a minute!
Just find it and take it back
to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Where is the Archanan?
MAN:
You are too late.
He is going to give the humans
the Arc Net.
Let's agree to disagree.
[CHIRPS]
[GRUNTS THEN THUDS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[THUMPING]
We'll take it from here.
K?
K! K! Aah!
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
ALIEN:
Dad, I'm on Earth.
I need bail.
[ALIEN GROWLING]
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Will the owner
of a blue warp-speed cruiser
please report to the front desk.
You need to turn the electricity
down on that damn thing.
Can't taste my fricking tongue, K.
How do you know my name?
What? Because I called you "K"?
No, I call everybody K.
It's kind of my thing.
What up, K?
All right, I sort of...
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Yeah, that's kind of my thing.
I just... Uh, some people like it.
Most people.
Now that I know what you look like
when you're lying, show me
what you look like
when you're telling the truth?
I won those at Coney Island
on the ring toss.
I won a stuffed bear once,
but never one of these.
Must be good, slick.
All right, sir,
I was minding my own business.
I was waiting for my girl,
who, by the way,
is probably worried sick
looking for me right now.
So I just need my things
and I need to get back to her.
What's her name?
Huh?
Your gal, what's her name?
Schtaron.
Schtaron?
I bet Schtaron
likes that suit of yours. Hm?
What, it's a crime
to wear a black suit?
All right, listen.
I haven't done anything wrong.
And I need to get out of here.
I cannot be with you.
Terribly sorry. X is frightfully upset
about the whole Coney Island incident.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Oh, man, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- What do you expect? It was...
J: Just ground this morning.
O?
No, I call ladies "O."
To me, O is feminine,
K is masculine.
You know, I see a couple,
I'm like, "O-K."
What a mess.
Any casualties?
Yes, Roman the Fabulist.
Any human casualties?
No, sir.
Who the hell is this?
Look, I was...
- Stray human caught in the net.
- Code 43 him and throw him back.
You're late for a meeting
with the Viagrans.
They have a revolutionary new pill.
It's really...
Okay, slick.
I was waiting for my girl.
Schtaron.
Yes, she's Greek.
Okay. Just one last thing.
An eye exam.
That's not an eye exam, K.
That's a big-ass neuralyzer!
You have a lot of information for
a fella who doesn't know anything.
J:
I see what you're saying.
Whoa. You know, K,
we need to hold up a second.
K!
TECHNICIAN:
Let's get this bite guard in here.
Hey, back up, back up.
K, listen, I think we got off
on the wrong foot, all right?
So let's just stop for a second
and talk.
Don't put me in here, K!
Too late, hoss.
K, no, listen to me.
I can help you with this case!
K!
I'm doing the truth face!
You're missing it!
Ah, I'll just use my imagination.
J:
K, the killer
you're looking for, I'm after
the same guy. A Boglodite.
His name is Boris.
Ship has sailed, amigo.
J:
If we don't get him, there'll be two.
You had my undivided attention.
J:
One will have one arm
and one's gonna have two. K!
Listen to me!
If you erase me,
you erase the world!
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Fifteen seconds
to neuralyzation. Fourteen.
Thirteen. Twelve.
Eleven. Ten. Nine.
When you see Boris tomorrow, K,
kill him. Do not arrest him, kill him!
Four. Three. Two.
[BELL RINGS]
Is this thing off?
Hey, I don't think it's all the way off, K!
It's whirring and buzzing.
I don't know if I don't know nothing.
I knew Roman.
His wife cooked me dinner once.
While it was not pleasant,
he was my friend.
Last chance, who are you
and what do you know?
I'm an agent
from the future.
We're partners.
In 25 years, you'll recruit me,
and 14 years after that,
the guy you didn't let me kill today
escapes from prison,
jumps to the past
and unleashes an invasion of Earth.
We got about 19 hours to kill him,
so, really,
we need to go right now.
[SIGHING]
All right.
So that's the story you believe.
That one was the truth.
Wasn't the whole truth,
but it'll do for now.
What are you talking about?
Of course it's the whole truth.
The problem with a lie is once
you start lying you put yourself...
[SIGHS]
X:
Agent K.
What's he still doing here?
I might have cooked him too long.
Thought I'd walk him out.
I put my pants on.
Okay, future man, where to?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I don't know. Uh...
Go wherever you went last time.
I haven't been here.
I didn't tell you where I went?
No. I mean, we don't really talk.
What kind of partners sit in a car
every day for 14 years and don't talk?
Exactly. And this is the type
of problem it causes.
It's dysfunctional.
All right, sport, you better get useful
real quick or you go back in room 43.
Man...
Uh... The, uh...
There was something in the file
about a factory.
Something happened at a factory.
Hey, look, man, you can put
your Jedi Knight on me all you want.
That's all I got.
[STARTS ENGINE]
That spark something?
Roman had this on his person
when he was murdered.
J:
It's a matchbook.
No, it's a clue.
He didn't smoke.
[ROY ROGERS' "I'M AN OLD
COWHAND" PLAYING ON RADIO]
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# I'm an old cowhand #
# From the Rio Grande #
# And I sing this song
In the cowboy band #
# I know all the songs
That the cowboys know about #
You lose something over here,
Hondo?
No. Uh...
Hey, man, how old are you?
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
He's an old cowhand # #
Twenty-nine.
Oof. You got some city miles
on you.
I'm starting to understand
why we don't talk.
- How well do you know this place?
- I know its reputation.
I don't like it. I hate going in blind.
I'm gonna need my gun.
Sure thing, slick.
Whoa, K! Wait, no,
I gotta go in with you!
You sit tight. I'll be fine.
Wait, no! No!
K!
K, don't go in by yourself!
Hi, fellas.
Need to see the boss.
He's busy.
Hm.
Well, I'm gonna just
take a look around.
Looks like we have ourselves
a standoff.
Looks that way.
[GRUNTS]
- Still keep the key under the ashtray.
- Lucky guess.
Now, where were we?
I was about to tell you
to screw off.
Hey, slick,
you bowl in the future?
MiB league champ,
three years running.
Well, let's see it.
Unh! You did not walk into my
establishment
and rip my head off!
My man, we don't have a lot of time.
You really need to tell him something.
I'll tell him this!
All right, your head.
MAN: Wait. Hey, if you do
this, I am gonna hunt you down
and make sure you
walk funny for the rest
of your miserable last days
on Earth! Unh!
- Tough spare, slick.
- God!
MAN:
You messed with the wrong head!
- His head's a little...
K: You gonna tell us
where Dom is?
MAN: I'll kill you both.
I'll kill both of youse!
- Ooh!
- Ow!
Your hook's a little off.
Want me to clean her?
- Sure thing.
MAN: No, no, no.
Come on, I just cleaned
the bathroom with this thing!
No cleaning! No cleaning!
Okay! Okay, all right!
All right, he's in the back.
But he's not gonna talk
to Men in Black scum like you.
Now give me back my head.
K, I call this one
"Low Hanging Fruit."
MAN:
That ain't a finger hole,
you sick bastard! Ow!
I'll pop your head off
and see how you like it.
[GROANS]
Ooh!
MAN: I'm gonna kill both of you!
I'm gonna kill the both of youse!
I'll kill you both!
- Well, we're on the right track.
- Just the wrong train.
K:
If he had any secrets,
I'm guessing he spilled them.
A smart man figures out
what victims have in common.
A smart man would.
That's a big-ass phone.
- Don't put that up to your head.
- Agent O.
How's your day been, Agent K?
Oh, fair to middling.
How are things going?
O:
Very good, thank you.
Hey, you saw her
like an hour ago.
I need cleanup and containment
at Cosmic Lanes.
Listen, I got a dead Parlaxian.
Now Roman was a Byvoid,
correct me if I'm wrong,
...from the same planetary grouping?
- A system in the Triangulum Galaxy
wiped out by Boglodites.
Wasn't the third planet...?
- K & J: Glamouria?
- Glamouria.
Thank you, Miss O.
I know where Boris
is headed to next.
You were close, slick.
It's not a factory, it's the Factory.
Look, if Boris turns out
to be here, I'm gonna kill him.
- I need my gun.
- No deal.
I've been an agent
for 14 years.
Which means I'm the senior agent
on this case. Now, I hate to pull rank,
but I am instructing
my junior agent,
that's you, to give me my gun
right now. That's an order.
No, no, no, space gun.
You're welcome.
I didn't say thank you.
[STATUS QUO'S "PICTURES OF
MATCHSTICK MEN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
For such an ungainly species,
they've thrived on Earth.
I was an agent
for three years
before I realized
all models were aliens.
Found out the hard way.
Password?
Hey, look, funky '60s dude,
we don't have a lot of time.
Janis Joplin.
# When I look up to the sky #
# I see your eyes #
# A funny kind of yellow #
Is there anybody here
who's not an alien?
# I rush home to bed
I soak my head #
Very nice.
Blink. That's good.
Look in the camera.
Is that Andy Warhol?
Yep.
Excuse me, Mr. Warhol,
could we have a minute?
Now is not a good time.
This is a be-in.
K:
Just a few
questions.
No questions. No answers.
Just being.
We have an urgent matter
to discuss with you
regarding one
of your party guests.
Why don't you come back
next week, after the happening
has happened.
Sorry, Mr. Warhol. You like
talking slow. We got stuff to do.
I've got a planet to save.
WARHOL:
You're distressing. Everything
about you upsets me.
Unh! Unh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Damn it, K!
Are you trying to blow my cover?
Agent W, your cover is safe.
Whoa, Andy Warhol is one of us?
WARHOL:
Safe?
You out of your mind?
I'm so out of ideas
I'm painting cans
and bananas for chrissakes.
Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta
tell you, I love your work.
Oh. Oh, thank you.
Who's the dumb-ass?
Whoa. Hey. How about a little
professional courtesy here?
- What, dumb-ass?
- Say it again.
- Want me to?
- I dare you.
Dumb-ass.
- Agents.
- I have no problem
pimp-slapping the shiznit
out of Andy Warhol.
What?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Why are you looking at me?
Oh, all right. You know what?
Agent K,
you see what information
you can get from Agent W
and I'll go case the perimeter.
- That work for everybody?
- Go do that.
- How about that?
- Oh, cute.
- Okay.
- Very nice.
Someone forget his nap? Huh?
# Mirages of matchstick men and you #
# All I ever see is them #
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey, how you doing?
Chilling.
# You're with this guy
You make men cry, you lie # #
WARHOL:
Who's that guy?
Don't tell me he's your new partner.
Actually, he's my old partner.
He traveled back from the future...
Stop, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
WOMAN:
Andy, Yoko's here.
Yoko's here. Uh... Ahem.
[IN SLOW DRAWL] Tell her that I'm
filming this man eating a hamburger. Um...
It's transcendent.
Uh, all right, now the pickle.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
# I'm waiting for my man #
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What are you doing on my turf?
Tracking a killer. Boglodite.
We believe he's gonna
hit here next, a Glamourian.
Glamourian?
Right solar system, wrong planet.
He's gotta be after the Archanan.
Archanans are extinct.
Apparently not.
One washed ashore last week.
The whole Roswell circuit's
all abuzz about it.
Alien unicorn. Last of its species.
- Mm.
- His name's Griffin.
WARHOL:
Griffin the Archanan.
# I'm waiting for my man # #
How's it going?
Going? How's it going? That depends.
For me, personally, things are good.
Unless we're in the future
where the muscle boy argues
with his girlfriend.
She storms off and bumps the guy
with the stuffed mushrooms,
who dumps the tray
on the sailors on leave.
A shoving match breaks out.
They crash into the table. In
which case, I gotta move my plate.
Or it's the future where the
pastrami sandwich I'm eating
causes me gastric distress.
Thankfully, your friend offers
the antacids he carries
in his right pocket, so good.
I'll be good.
Except in the future where
I have to leave in two minutes
before he has a chance
to offer me the antacids,
so on the whole, I'd have to say
not good. I am not good.
But that depends.
K!
How will we find this guy?
What am I, a schmuck?
He's here?
"Here" is a relative term.
He's a fifth dimensional being.
They can live in and visualize
an infinite set
of time-space probabilities
simultaneously.
Sounds like fun. Good work.
Whoa, whoa. K, K, K.
You gotta fake my death, okay?
I can't listen to sitar music anymore.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
I'll talk to X.
K, I can't tell
the women from the men.
May I see your watch?
Oh, it is 7:18.
No, no, your other watch,
the one your father gave you.
How do you know
about my father's watch?
[OVER SPEAKERS]
# Strange brew # #
Oh, dear.
This is the one
where Roman is dead
and the gentleman at the
bowling alley. So much death.
Such an infinitesimally
small chance for success.
K!
Griffin, right?
We're here...
Because of Boris.
We think he's coming...
To kill me.
He'll be here in minutes
unless we're in
the future
where he made the lights
and is about
to shoot from the door,
in which case we're all dead.
Ah, good,
that was a close one.
K, I need a space gun.
GRIFFIN:
The Boglodites
consume any planet
in their path.
Mine, Roman's, the Parlaxians'.
I tried to stop them, but if we stop
them here, if we deny them Earth,
we can stop them.
They'll starve before
they reach the next planet.
[STOMACH GROWLING]
Pfft. Sixty-three seconds.
How do we do that?
Stop them?
What? Oh!
Sorry. I have something for you.
A gift. It can protect you.
I had to hide it from Boris,
but if you find me again,
I'll give it to you.
Thank you. What a game!
Amazing! It's a real miracle!
Whoa. What do you mean?
What miracle?
Thirty seconds. I have to go.
No, we got you.
Negative possibilities are
multiplying as we speak.
- Okay.
- Twenty seconds.
All right.
We got it, relax.
If your watch is broken
and I have gastric...
MAN:
Fly! Find your place in the world!
GRIFFIN:
Oh, dear.
Boris is coming through that door
in 12,
11, 10...
Wait!
Did you have chocolate milk?
What...? Yes.
GRIFFIN:
Cindy.
[GRUNTS]
J:
K!
- Griffin!
- Got him.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[GUNSHOT]
[BORIS LAUGHING]
Damn it!
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Ouch!
I'm good, I'm good.
What you got?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Damn it! We had him!
Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
First of all, my name is J, okay?
It's not "son," it's not "slick"
and it damn sure ain't no "Cochise."
I'm not gonna relax because
we're running out of time
and there's an invasion coming.
You're not really recognizing
my voicial intensity.
Oh, but there was one guy
who could help.
Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin?
Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K?
He's gone. If Boris gets to him
before we do, that's no bueno.
We need pie.
- What?
- My granddaddy always said:
"If you got a problem
you can't solve,
it helps to get out of
your head." Pie. It's good.
- Pie?
- Yeah.
Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
- A little bit.
- Yeah, you know what?
We've been doing smart stuff.
We've been following clues,
doing police work.
It might be time
we do something stupid.
Something that ain't got
nothing to do with nothing.
Now, I want some pie, K.
I want some pie.
Let's go get dumb-ass pie.
Sounds good.
[CHAD & JEREMY'S "A SUMMER
SONG" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SIGHS]
# Sweet, sleepy warmth
Of summer nights #
[SIGHS]
Uh-uh.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mm.
# They say that all good things
Must end someday # #
Hmm...
Have any specials?
He'll have what he always has after
he reads the menu for 10 minutes
and asks about specials.
A slice of apple pie
with a nasty piece of cheddar.
I'll have the strawberry-rhubarb.
It's my last meal,
I'm gonna splurge.
World-class serial killer out there
and we're having pie.
What do you do
in your spare time, stretch?
Oh!
See, I sense you're not embracing
the concept here.
Pie don't work unless you let it.
I'm gonna let it.
And you say we don't talk?
You go ahead. Ask me any question.
Anything you want.
As long as it doesn't have to do
with the case. Just let her rip.
What's up with you and O?
Me and O?
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, you and O.
All right, all right.
All right, this is it.
A while back, I was assigned
to keep tabs on a musician.
Mick Jagger?
He's in this British band,
the Rolling Stones.
Rings a bell.
We believed he was on the planet
to breed with Earth women.
So I was in London
and that's when I met O.
Just smart. Funny. A great smile.
And we find ourselves in this pub,
which is a bar, all right?
Warm beer and
the worst food you ever ate.
We just played darts
till the sun came up.
Neither of us wanted to leave.
What the hell happened
to you, man?
I don't know.
It hasn't happened yet.
Come on, what about you, slick?
In the future, you got yourself a girl?
I got you.
MAN 1: I cannot believe
this, freaking New York Mets.
MAN 2:
Total losers!
It's a rough time
to be a Mets fan.
Tell me about it.
Never gonna catch the Cubs.
That's funny. The Mets
actually win it all this year.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm serious.
Oh, I'm sure.
Look, three months from now,
your buddies down there
are gonna be calling them
the Amazing Mets
and the Miracle Mets.
What?
What you got there, hoss?
The Archanan said, "It's amazing!
It's a miracle! I'll see you at the game."
I know where he is.
Told you to trust the pie.
K: If Griffin's here for a game,
he's either too early or too late.
J: He's here. We just gotta
find him before Boris does.
It's time to give you
your things back,
partner.
You get some pie in you,
you get all mushy.
I'm just tired
of carrying your stuff.
GRIFFIN: Boo! Ah, come on
now! All right! Let's go,
Mets!
Let's go, Mets! Let's go,
- Mets! Let's go, Met...
- Griffin?
Oh!
You're just in time!
Unless this is the one where Robinson
bad-hops it past third, it's almost over.
Whoo!
Are we missing
something?
The game.
[CROWD CHEERING]
J:
Whoa.
[ORGAN PLAYING OVER PA]
So this is how you see things?
This is amazing.
It's a gigantic pain in the ass.
But it has its moments.
This game doesn't happen
till October.
It's always October
and November and March.
So many futures, and all real.
Don't know which will coalesce.
Until then, they're all happening.
Like this one, it's my favorite moment
in human history.
All the things that had to converge
for the Mets to win the World Series.
They were in last place every single
season until they won it all.
You said you had a gift.
That baseball,
thrown for the last out of game five,
manufactured in '62 by Spalding
of Chicopee, Massachusetts,
was aerodynamically flawed
due to the horsehide
being improperly tanned
because the tanner's wife
left him
for a Puerto Rican golf pro...
Um, the gift?
Oh, yes, of course.
In the box.
Uh, it's the surprise.
To protect the Earth.
It's a shield.
J:
Shield.
Archanan. Arc Net.
You put up the Arc Net.
- How?
- When that ball is pitched to
Davey Johnson,
who became a player
because his dad couldn't find a
football to give him for his birthday,
it hits
his bat two micrometers
too high,
popping out to Cleon Jones
who would've been born Clara,
a statistical
typist, if his parents didn't have
an extra glass of wine that night
before going to bed.
[CROWD CHEERING]
A miracle
is what seems impossible
but happens anyway.
I lost my planet.
I don't want you to lose yours.
It'll take a miracle,
but if you pull this off,
you'll be my new
favorite moment
in human history.
Oh, dear.
I forgot to see this one coming.
[GRIFFIN YELLS]
Damn it!
[CAR BEEPING]
Have these in the future?
No.
Get on.
Keep gyro settings
at zero gain.
Balance pitch and yaw
with bursts on the center stalk
between 80 and 100 psi.
J:
Aah! I didn't understand
any of that!
- Gyro at zero gain.
- It is.
Pitch and yaw with short bursts
on the center stalk.
I did.
Between 80 and 100 psi.
Got it.
Whoa!
BORIS:
The Arc Net! Give it to me!
GRIFFIN:
This isn't the one where you get it!
- All right there, chief?
- Hell, yeah.
It'd be better with four wheels!
Two is, like, my minimum.
[HORN HONKS]
K: What happens if
Boris gets the Arc Net?
J: Boglodite invasion,
total destruction of Earth!
[HORN HONKING]
[J SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
The box!
[SNARLS]
[GRUNTS]
Good boy.
We gotta stop this guy!
J:
I've been trying!
You haven't been trying?
K:
Hey, slick.
In the future,
we ever do the Texas two-step?
Yes, sir!
[SCREAMING]
Did you get him?
Give me a sec.
Is he dead?
Negative.
He got away.
I got Griffin. Let's get out of here.
[THUNDER CRASHING
AND RUMBLING]
I feel younger already.
[GRUNTING]
[PIGEON COOING]
[SNIFFING]
[ROARING]
You pathetic waste
of Boglodite flesh.
I'd kill you right now,
if I didn't value my own life.
- Who are you?
- Look at you.
Every mistake I've ever made,
just waiting to happen.
What happened to my arm?
You lose it, shot off by a human.
No human could defeat me.
You spend the next 40 years in
prison, chained up like an animal.
No prison can hold me!
They built one especially for us,
on the moon.
No human has been to the moon,
so they cannot have
built it there already.
Stop arguing! You can avoid
all of that if you just listen to me!
You were defeated!
You let it get shot off!
That wasn't me, that was you!
[BOTH ROARING]
What's your plan?
Prevent the Arc Net
from being deployed.
- Kill anyone who tries.
- Good plan.
Didn't work.
With my help,
we'll get the Arc Net,
kill Agent K,
the invasion will be successful
and we'll get to keep both
of our ar...! Argh! Stop
staring at it!
Listen.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Thank you for saving my life.
It's what we do.
You still have the Arc Net?
When you're being hunted
by Boris the Animal,
you get good
at hiding things.
J:
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES]
This will save your world.
Once it's outside the atmosphere,
it gets
a whole lot bigger.
All you have to do is deploy it.
You mean in space? Well, how
do you suppose we do that?
Ah, it's just one small step.
The moon launch.
Cape Canaveral.
July 16th, 1969.
We got six hours to get to Florida.
Better get a move on, slick.
Uh, wait, uh, hold up.
Not us.
Uh, I'm gonna do this one alone.
He has to be the...
Griffin. Shh-shh-shh.
What do you mean, alone?
I'm gonna go to Florida.
You stay here.
I need you to trust me.
Trust you? I don't think so.
Something you're not telling me, slick?
You're not going to Florida.
That ain't gonna happen, partner.
Look, K,
please, I will not allow you
to go to Florida.
Stop me.
You die there!
Cape Canaveral. Apollo launch.
Boris kills you there.
That's what I'm here for.
That's what I came back to stop.
Oh, dear. We're in this one.
K,
I saw the file,
I looked at the report.
I said I told you everything...
[GRUNTS]
That's for lying to me.
Look, I'm sorry, man!
Aah!
That's for telling me the truth!
I'm trying to protect you,
man!
Aah!
The bitterest truth is better
than the sweetest lies.
Shh-shh!
He has to go to Cape Canaveral.
He must deploy the Arc Net
as he did before.
There's no other way.
K is the only hope
in saving Earth.
Can I save him?
Is there any future
where I save his life?
Yes.
But where there is death,
there will always be death.
According to you,
I've done this before.
So we know it's possible.
If you're half the agent
you say you are,
you'll make sure
I don't get killed doing it.
So are we partners? You tell me.
Let's go.
O:
Agent K,
...how are you?
- I'm good.
Okay, group hug on the way
to doing what we're doing.
MAN [ON TV]: This morning, man is about
to launch himself on a trip to the moon
with the expectation
of landing there.
Look, I gotta ask you.
If we pull this off,
fix things the way they were,
O and I, are we?
A wise man once told me,
don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to.
- I said that, didn't I?
- Yes, sir.
O:
Here they are.
J: What are they?
- Jetpacks.
Jetpacks?
[GRIFFIN LAUGHING]
No, no, no.
We're not doing jetpacks.
There's a reason we don't
have these in the future.
K, we gotta drive.
Can't drive to Florida from Manhattan
in five hours, chief.
Yeah, we can. The red button,
standard issue in every MiB car.
Press the red button,
goes into hyperdrive.
No red buttons yet, slick.
Come on, man.
Do you know
how to work this thing?
It's like with anything.
Just have to strap yourself in,
hope for the best.
Isn't that right, Miss O?
Unfortunately, it is.
[SIGHS]
You ready, slick?
Let's get it.
This is gonna be interesting!
MAN [OVER PA]:
It's just minutes to the
historic launch of Apollo 11
with all going well.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
I'm so glad this isn't
one of the times we explode.
One of the times?
Oh, we got company.
The hell?
[BEEPING AND WAVERING]
Is that a battery belt?
[DEVICE CHIMES]
All right, I got it.
[SIGHS]
No, any reality
that gets the shield deployed
is one where you tell the truth.
The truth?
The truth is the only path.
This is a restricted area!
Yes, sir, it is.
Good day, gentlemen.
Great day for America, isn't it?
My name is Agent J.
This is Agent K. That's Griff.
We're from a secret government
organization
that polices and monitors
alien activity on and off planet Earth.
Heh, here's the thing.
We have this special
little metal thingy
that Griff gave us that we have
to get on top of that rocket,
heh, heh,
to prevent an alien invasion.
[ALL GRUNT]
That worked.
- Like a charm.
MP: Sir, Delta Gate. We have a problem.
Three trespassers. No IDs,
but they've got weapons, sir.
Some kind I've never seen before.
What breed of fool
do you have to be
to penetrate my site
on the day of the most massive feat
attempted by mankind?
Watched by God, the population
of the planet and my own
...firstborn!
MP: Colonel?
Colonel, they had these.
They said they needed
to put something on the rocket
for an invasion.
Thanks.
I got 10 minutes
to launch.
If you pose a threat to that rocket,
you tell me now and do not lie to me.
I told the truth last time.
Sir, this man came here from
the future to protect me
so I can attach a shield to the top
of that rocket and save the world.
I need your help to do that.
Take them to the brig.
You're slipping, Griff.
Sir, if I may.
Corporal.
You men are
no longer needed.
I'll take the prisoners.
- Sir, are you...?
- Dismissed.
Follow me.
You did the future thing.
What did you show him?
Only what he needed to see.
I have to go now.
What? No, no, no. Come on.
You don't need me anymore.
All right, Griff,
don't start flipping on me.
When Boris' arm is taken, the past
will be as it was. K will survive.
He will not know
you were ever here.
All right. Arm gone, got it.
Like a reset?
When that happens, go home.
Leave.
You coming?
Yeah, all right!
Uh, thanks, man.
Hey, will I ever see you again?
Anything's possible.
Oh, Griff.
I can never bear to watch this part.
MAN [ON TV]:
Armstrong and Aldrin are scheduled
to set foot on the moon
on early Monday morning,
Eastern Daylight Time.
Where's Griffin?
Doing his own thing.
COLONEL:
Gentlemen.
This elevator
will take you to the top.
To get the Arc Net
outside the atmosphere,
you need to strap it to the escape
rocket above the capsule!
You do not want to be
anywhere near this rocket
when it takes off!
- Questions?
- No. Thank you for this, colonel.
Some job you got there.
Hey, thanks a lot, bro.
What did Griff
show you back there?
How important you are.
You and your partner.
J: If everything goes right
the way we hope it does,
I'm gonna end up
getting out of here pretty quick,
so I'm not gonna have a chance
to say a proper goodbye.
If things go wrong, not gonna
have a chance to, either.
So I guess win or lose,
this is it.
I see why I recruited you.
You're a good man.
Good man.
Man, what the hell
happened to you?
I told you,
it still hasn't happened yet.
[THUMPING]
[GRUNTS]
J:
I'll take this one!
Naughty.
Get a pedicure if you get a second.
[SNARLS THEN GRUNTS]
[YELLS THEN GRUNTING]
And liftoff.
[GRUNTING]
[SNARLING]
MAN [ON TV]:
Just passed the two-minute mark
in the countdown, and all is still go
as we monitor our status board.
[GRUNTS]
MAN: Astronauts report it
feels good. Power transfer is complete.
Neil Armstrong just reported back
it's been a smooth countdown.
[GRUNTING]
Hey!
Boris, can you give me a hand?
Hey! Aah!
Hey!
You hear me calling you?
Boris the Animal!
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
It's just Boris!
[GROWLS]
You're gonna lose.
Let's agree to disagree.
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
[GROWLING AND ROARING]
Right.
Left.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
You're gonna lose.
Let's agree to disagree.
[GRUNTS]
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
[GROWLING AND ROARING]
Right.
Left. Left.
Right.
That's not possible.
Let's agree to disagree.
That's not possible!
[ROARS]
[BORIS LAUGHING]
K!
I win! I'm better than me!
[GROANS]
That's my partner.
That's my partner!
If we call this in,
...they'll scrub the launch.
- I didn't see anything.
[GRUNTS]
- Where's your partner?
- He went home.
- How does that work?
- You got me.
Come on!
[SCREAMS]
Get down!
[ALL CHEERING]
Wow.
K:
Bingo.
Man, that is
some next-level stuff.
You ever want to see more,
I know a top-secret organization
that could use a man like you.
I wish I could.
Thank you.
I'll see you around, K.
Look out!
Go ahead.
Arrest me.
Not this time.
[YELLS]
"Where there's death,
there will always be death."
BOY:
Daddy! Daddy!
K:
Hey.
Hey, my name's K.
What's your name?
James.
K:
James? That's a nice name.
Where's my dad?
What have you got there?
What is that?
My dad gave it to me.
We timed the launch.
Where is my daddy?
He, uh...
He went to go do something
very special.
And he wanted me
to stay here and take care
of his best pal.
When is he gonna be back?
He, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
James...
if you look right here,
I will tell you the only thing
you ever need to know.
Your daddy is a hero.
My daddy is a hero?
K: Want to take a walk with me?
- Yes.
James?
[SIGHS]
# Concrete jungle where dreams #
# Are made of
There's nothing #
# You can't do #
# Now you're in New York #
# Oh, yeah #
# These streets will make you # #
K:
# Feel brand-new #
# Inspire you #
# New York #
# New York #
# New York # #
You're late.
Uh, sorry. Lost track of time.
How do you know that song?
Drink your coffee.
We got work to do.
What do you know
and what do you don't?
How do I know what I don't know?
That's a really good question.
Did we go to Wu's last night?
Yeah.
Boglodites?
Extinct for 40 years.
Perfect. Did we talk
on the phone last night?
You hung up on me.
Yeah, I did.
But that was because
of all those secrets
the universe
doesn't know about.
[SIGHS]
But...
I've realized that
last night was a long,
long time ago.
And, really,
I just want to say thank you.
It's been my privilege.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, there's a really
high possibility now
that I might know some things
you don't know.
- I doubt it.
- Heh.
I bet I know what went down
with you and O.
K: She's a fine lady,
but you know the rules.
There's no fraternizing
amongst agents.
J: I think y'all might have
fraternized a time or two.
This is my new favorite moment
in human history.
Unless this is the one
where K forgot to leave a tip.
Almost forgot.
That was a close one.
# You'll have to excuse me, baby #
# Go
Yeah, you, baby #
# Back
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# In
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time #
# It's Mr. Worldwide #
# Agent A, reporting live
From Cape Canaveral #
# MK, Big Syphe, let's ride #
# Back in time #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# Miami equals black mask
Black gloves #
# With a little bit of rope to tie
I flipped it #
# Black suits, white shirts
Black glasses with a matching tie #
# Like Agent J or Agent K #
# And I wish the whole world would
Okay #
# I'm trying make a billion
Out of 15 cents #
# Understand, understood
I'm a go-getter, mover, shaker #
# Culture, bury a boarder
Record-breaker #
# Won't you
Give credit where credit is due #
# Don't you
Know that I don't give a number two #
# Y'all just halfway thoughts
Not worth the back of my mind #
# But to understand the future
We have to go back in time #
# Whoo #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# I got the globe
Yeah, in the palm of my hand #
# Wherever I spin it
That's where I land #
# Let's save the world, Men in Black
I know you understand #
# Stop the movement
They can try if they want to #
# They can try if they want to #
# What Pit solves, a bit raw #
# Took like jigsaw and built it all
Despite a big loss, I'd bet it all #
# And fought blind against the world
Ray Charles #
# Y'all just halfway thoughts
Not worth the back of my mind #
# But to understand the future
We have to go back in time #
# Whoo #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# You'll have to excuse me, baby #
# Go
Yeah, you, baby #
# Back
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# In
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time
Excuse me, baby #
# Let's
Yeah, you, baby #
# Go
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# Back
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time #
# Baby #
# My sweet baby #
# My sweet baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the
Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one # #
[DOOR LOCKS]
[SLOSHING]
[BEEPING]
Well, well,
Boris the Animal has a visitor.
I guess one every 40 years is okay.
[SCANNER WHIRRING]
It's a cake.
I decide what it is.
Looks like some kind of cake.
She's clean.
Well, not clean, but you know...
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, God.
Boris the Animal...
you've got a visitor.
BORIS:
It's just Boris.
Your letters have been
a soul-nourishing
tonic.
And you are much more
unconventionally handsome
than your photos.
[BOTH MOANING]
GUARD:
This ain't a conjugal visit.
So quit your conjugating.
When's the last time
you conjugated anything?
I see you've brought me a treat,
darling.
Would you mind cutting this up
for us? It's a special day.
I'm a romantic like that.
Oh, I wouldn't do that.
Why's that?
It'll ruin your figure.
[SCREAMING]
[GROWLS]
[CHITTERING]
[CHIRPING]
You complete me.
[ALARM WAILING]
[SNARLS]
The big one.
MAN: Boris! You promised
to take me with you!
We had a deal!
Obadiah Price.
Yes. I did make you
a promise.
[CHIRPS]
[OBADIAH GRUNTS AND YELLS]
BORIS:
Wait. I smell something.
GUARD: You can't win, Boris.
BORIS: Mm.
Let's agree to disagree.
There's too many of us.
Rather hot in here.
Mind if I open a window?
[ALL YELL]
[GASPS]
Sorry, darling.
We did love the cake.
[YELLS]
Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?
[ROARS]
Good afternoon.
Please give your attention
to my associate, Agent J.
He's going to demonstrate
an electro-biomechanical,
neural-transmitting,
zero-synapse repositioner.
We call it the neuralyzer.
- Keep it simple, slick.
- Thanks a lot.
Thank you, Agent K.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
if you will look right here.
You know how you're on a plane and
you're asked to turn your phone off?
You're like, "I ain't turning it off.
Has nothing to do with a plane."
Well, this is what we get.
That's what happens.
It gets up there, bounces around
on the satellites and blam!
Just turn your damn phone off.
Now you're gonna drive off a cliff
tonight because your GPS don't work.
Check the composition of the
fuel units and surface deposits.
I wanna know who was driving.
Yes, sir.
- What are you gonna say tonight?
- Ah, don't worry.
No, I'm very worried.
This is important.
- I'm hungry. You hungry?
- K.
J: Seriously, I'm not
even sure that's meat.
I think I just saw a tooth in
that thing, or a claw, or a hoof.
Thanks, Manny.
That does not belong in a pita,
it belongs in a casket.
What would go good with this
would be silence.
See, here's the problem.
You can't smell it
because your nose already
smells like that, but my nose doesn't.
Silence goes good with a lot of things.
Ever try or is talking how you breathe?
Just say you hate me.
Don't take it out on the car.
Let me enjoy this.
Whoa, enjoyment. Ha, ha.
So that's what enjoyment looks like
on that face. I like that emotion.
I keep emotion out of it.
Out of what, K? Life?
You don't wanna run it by me?
- Let me know what you'll say?
- Don't worry.
Oh, no, I'm worried.
Very worried.
It's the man's eulogy.
You have to show some feeling.
That thing people do when they
change their facial expression?
I worked with Zed for 40 years.
A hell of an agent.
And I have written
a hell of a speech for him.
People will be moved.
Mm-hm.
[ALIEN CLEARING THROAT]
ALIENS:
# Amazing grace #
[ALIENS SINGING
IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]
# Was blind but now #
# I see # #
MAN:
And now a few words from Agent K.
I worked with Zed for over 40 years,
and in all that time
he never invited me to dinner.
He never asked me to his house
to watch a game.
He never shared a single detail
of his personal life.
Yeah, he was weird.
Thank you.
MAN: And now we will hear
from our new chief, Agent O.
O: Thank you, Agent K.
That was very moving.
- That was your eulogy?
- He was a good man.
O: Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms.
When I told the Finucian Zyglot
about Zed's passing,
she said something
that I'm going to repeat.
And I'm paraphrasing.
Ahem.
[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]
[SIGHS]
That's just so Zed.
Thank you.
[ROY ROGERS' "I'M AN OLD
COWHAND" PLAYING ON RADIO]
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
I'm an old cowhand # #
You lose something over here,
Hondo?
Can you promise, if I go first, you'll
do better than that at my funeral?
You know, something like, uh:
[IMITATING K]
"J was a friend.
Now there's a big part of me
that's gone.
Oh, J, all the things
that I should have said,
except I was too old
and craggy and surly
and just tight. I was too
tight.
I'm gonna just miss
your caramel-brown skin."
I'll wing something.
O [OVER RADIO]: K, it's O. We have reports
of several humans suffering from
intestinal worms of alien origin.
Thank you, O.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
How did you get to be like you?
Something happened, K.
What happened?
You know how I live
such a happy life?
How you live such a happy life?
I don't ask questions
I don't want to know the answer to.
Mm-mm. That's deep.
MAN:
# And that's what happens #
# When you live with your mother #
# Try to take her home
And Mom goes "Mm-mm" # #
[HUMMING AND SCATTING TO ROCK
MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Jeffrey.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Do I know you?
Your services are legendary,
so says your father, Obadiah.
You were in Lunar-Max.
[IN DEEP RASPY VOICE]
There is no prison that can hold me.
Uh... Cool for you.
What do you need from me, man?
The device.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm going back in time
to kill a man before he takes my arm.
MAN [IN CHINESE ACCENT]:
Oh, K, J!
So happy to see you. Uh, Mr.
Wu get you your regular table?
You no hungry?
Show us the tanks, Wu.
Oh, sure, sure. You look.
Very fresh.
Show us the tanks in the back.
Ha, ha. So sorry. No speak English.
You come back later, okay?
Save the chop-socky bullshit
for the tourists, Wu.
[SIGHS]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, what you
guys wanna bust my balls for, huh?
You don't have no balls.
Ooh.
Man, you look like
you come from the planet
Damn.
And Bob here is a clear violation
of Health Ordinance 32:
Selling unlicensed extraterrestrial...
[SQUEALS]
foodstuffs.
That is an Earth fish.
Very traditional in China.
You arrest me,
that's a hate crime!
It would be
if you were Chinese.
K, come on.
I got larvae to feed.
Who is the Spiky Bulba for?
Nobody.
K:
Who's it for?
I keep them in case!
- In case what?
- I don't know!
Anybody!
K:
All right, you slug.
[ALIEN SQUEALS]
Whoa, whoa. Uh...
Wu,
uh, he and I are having issues right
now, but you shouldn't suffer for that.
Thank you, J.
So if you don't like getting
fish-slapped, keep to our agreement.
Earth people get Earth fish.
Real Earth fish.
On behalf of my pathetic self
and worthless children, you stay.
Allow me most honorable benefit
of serving you favorite noodles, K?
Don't nobody want
your nasty-ass noodles.
You're a piece of shit, Wu.
Shrimp and bok choy.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
J:
That was just mean.
What you did to Wu back there.
Snatched his skirt off.
That's just disrespectful.
I used to play a game
with my dad:
What'll You Have
For Your Last Meal.
You could do worse than this.
Oh. Okay. Um...
I played a game with my dad
called catch.
Except I'd throw the ball
and it'd just hit the wall
because he wasn't there.
Don't badmouth your old man.
I'm not badmouthing him.
I just didn't really know him.
It's not right.
Damn right it's not.
A boy needs a father.
Table one hasn't ordered a thing.
Table three
just drank his fourth cup
of duck sauce.
[PHONE RINGING]
O:
K, the crashed ship
from this morning
was stolen from...
K:
Lunar-Max.
Boris the Animal.
How did you know?
He has a taste for Spiky Bulba.
Give us a minute, chief.
We're in a situation.
K:
Oh, yeah.
I take the Chloropod.
You take the Tarantabee
and the Hydronian over there.
I'll take the kitchen.
Meet you on the street.
This is a very confusing time
in my life.
[SCREAMS]
- Unh!
- Hey.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Shh, shh!
Keep your mouth closed,
keep your head down.
[CREATURE SNARLING]
Hi-yah!
[GRUNTS]
[ALIEN ROARING]
[WHEEZING]
[SNEEZES]
[YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
[ALIEN ROARS]
[ALIEN SHRIEKS]
[GROANS]
Ugh!
[RETCHES AND GRUNTS]
[SHRIEKS]
Hello, K.
Boris the Animal.
It's just Boris.
You haven't changed very much.
I see the arm I shot off is still shot off.
Yes, my arm.
We've thought about that moment
every day for the last 40 years.
Well, that's just not living a full life.
I can promise you
it will be longer than yours.
Lonelier too. Since you're
the last Boglodite standing.
We'll see about that.
But first,
I want the pleasure of killing you.
Yo, K.
- Where the hell have you been?
- Fishing.
[J & K SCREAMING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
You don't know it, K,
but you're already dead.
You all right?
[ALIEN ROARING]
May I have everyone's attention,
please?
Thank you.
You know how your kid won
the goldfish in that little baggie
from the fair and you didn't
want it in your house
so you told your kid it ran away
when you flushed it down the toilet?
Well, this is what happens.
Okay? See what I'm talking about?
Don't lie to your kids.
Man, I am getting too old
for this.
I can only imagine how you feel.
Boris the Animal.
I put him away a long time ago.
It's the worst mistake I ever made.
Why? Was he innocent?
Should have killed him.
- Well, shit, let's go get him.
- No.
- No?
- Leave it alone.
It's above your pay grade.
We have the same pay grade.
It has nothing to do with you.
Mind your own business.
Okay, first of all, let's get a little bit
of that bass out your voice.
Secondly, as long as Spikey Boy is
running around, this is my business.
You forget about Boris
or my report will reflect
that your conduct
has been unbecoming.
Well, maybe my report
is gonna reflect some shit too, K.
- You are suspended for two weeks.
- Bullshit.
Four weeks.
How about I quit?
K: There are things out
there you don't need to know.
That's not the lie you told me
when you recruited me.
What up, pops?
- Lose your partner?
- Yeah.
WOMAN 1 [OVER PA]:
Next shuttle to Afazumba
leaving in 22 minutes.
[WOMAN 2 SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER PA]
J:
Search
Boris the Animal.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Boris the Animal, Boglodite assassin.
Boglodites were a rogue alien race
that consumed all planets
in their path.
Boris the Animal
was the only suspect
in a series of alien murders
on Earth.
Incident report.
Boris the Animal was convicted
for the following murders
that occurred on July 15, 1969.
Murder number one: Coney Island,
10:37 a.m. Roman the Fabulist.
Murder number two: The Factory.
Refine search.
Agent K.
Junior Agent K apprehended
and arrested
Boris the Animal on July 16, 1969,
at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
- Cape Canaveral.
- Agent K
received highest commendation
for heroic action,
including implementation
of the Arc Net Defense System
which protected the Earth
from Boglodite invasion
and led to the race's extinction.
Details.
Access restricted.
Excuse me? Clearance level
senior agent, class one. J.
Access denied.
What?
[WOMAN 3 SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER PA]
So why this sudden interest in
your partner's old exploits? Hm?
What happened between Boris and K?
That's easy.
K imprisoned Boris.
He put up the Arc Net.
He protected the Earth
from the Boglodites.
He did his job.
That's not what I'm asking.
Cape Canaveral, what happened?
Something that changed him.
Leave it at that.
Hm. So you two go way back, huh?
[COMPUTER BLEEPS]
That's classified.
A word of advice, Agent J.
Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to.
That's funny.
That is exactly what K said.
He's a very wise man.
Take the rest of the night off.
[PHONE RINGING]
What?
Guess I owe you
some answers, hoss.
What, you're feeling chatty
all of a sudden?
I can't talk right now. I've got secret
cases of my own I'm working on.
I hate to tear you away
from your video game.
All right, I'm hanging up.
You know the most destructive force
in the universe?
Sugar?
Regret.
You don't have to wait. Just talk.
I promised you the secrets
of the universe. Nothing more.
So there's secrets out there
the universe don't know about?
[SIGHS]
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[GUN POWERS UP]
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
GIRL:
Mommy.
Can I help you?
Uh...
K?
5K.
Uh...
I'm sorry, is that chocolate milk?
Can I...? I'm so sorry.
I don't know what...
GIRL:
Mommy, the president is drinking
...my milk.
- Mmm.
I'm sorry.
He didn't say please.
- K get in yet?
- Who?
You new?
Very funny, Agent J.
J, everything you told me
yesterday, you were right as rain.
- Thank God for that 10-hour stakeout.
- Who are you?
Exactly. I feel like
a whole new man today.
Like this great weight has been lifted.
I've had anger issues my entire life,
but now I see I was mad at myself.
And my stepmom.
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to stop talking.
It's like I closed
this emotional window.
But I threw a brick
through that window.
Thank you for handing me
that brick, J.
Whoever you are, give me five feet
or I'll pluck you in your throat.
I'm gonna go
to the little Men's-in-Black room,
then we'll go find those morons
from Pox Ethera. Lunch is on me.
Who was that?
Double A? Your partner.
Uh, I need you to go get me some
chocolate milk, all right?
Just a really big glass.
Have you seen K?
Did he call in sick
or anything?
Who's K?
All right, all right,
go ahead, go ahead.
K!
All right.
You got me.
I'll give it to you.
It's funny, very elaborate.
Oh, and all of you,
fantastic performances.
You waited 14 years
to develop a sense of humor,
but this is a good one.
But, K, I need you
to come out here now
because I'm starting
to get a little pissed off.
Agent J, would you mind
keeping your voice down
and telling me
who you're looking for?
I'm looking for K.
Who is K?
Unh! You too? You too.
I mean, who is he to you?
My partner.
Older gentleman, 110,
maybe 111 years old.
Sort of a surly, Elvis thing happening
with him. He smiles like this.
Seen him around?
I'll take you to K.
Thank you.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
- What is that supposed to be?
- That's K.
He's been dead for over 40 years.
Okay, see, the prerequisite for a joke
is that it be funny.
It's never been funny.
Computer, Agent K
and Boris the Animal.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Men in Black
incident report, July, 1969.
Location, Cape Canaveral.
Perpetrator Boris the Animal
escaped and fled Earth.
Assumed to have returned to planet
Boglodotia 20 light-years away.
Agent K pronounced dead at scene.
Awarded posthumous commendation
for action which prevented
greater loss of human life.
That's not what happened.
I looked at this report.
K put Boris away...
- Agent K is dead.
- Well, I just talked to him last night.
- You are imagining.
- I'm not.
- I need a psych team up here.
- Yes, ma'am.
Aqua Velva aftershave.
I didn't imagine that.
Every stakeout,
endless hours of cowboy music.
Every morning with his coffee,
he'd say:
[IMITATING K] "I tell you something,
slick. This coffee tastes like dirt."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And I was
supposed to say, "What do you expect?
- It was ground this morning."
- "This morning."
How do you know that?
Chocolate milk, sir?
Where you been, man?
It was like an hour ago.
O:
Wait.
How long have you been craving
chocolatized dairy products?
J:
Just today.
Are you experiencing headaches?
Dizziness?
- Loss of balance?
- Mm-hm.
Agitation? Depression?
Hell, yeah.
[SIGHS]
Two possibilities.
One is you've been bitten
by a Hovartian brain tick
and could die in horrible agony
at any moment.
[YELLS]
Damn it. It's not the tick.
"Damn it, it's not the tick"?
It's something worse than the tick?
Mm.
Your obsession
with chocolate milk indicates
that you might be involved
in a temporal fracture.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Chocolate milk relieves
temporal-fracture headaches.
What's a temporal fracture?
A break in the timeline.
Don't know what you mean.
Time travel! Time travel.
There's no such thing
as time travel.
- Well, there is.
- No.
There's not.
Because if there were
a class-one senior agent
such as myself
would have been aware of it,
wouldn't he have?
Were it not classified
and way above his pay grade.
You know, I need a raise.
There was one man, scumbag,
Obadiah Price,
he figured it out, we busted him,
we made time travel illegal
throughout the universe
and he is serving life on Lunar-Max.
No... That's where Boris
was locked up.
Uh... If Boris worked out
how to time jump,
he could seriously change
the course of history.
[ALARM WAILING]
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Attention.
Early-warning system engaged.
Inbound hostile warships
entering solar system.
Boglodite markings
and language detected.
Boglodite. Boris is a Boglodite,
but they're extinct.
Apparently not.
Catastrophic Earth attack imminent.
Put up the Arc Net.
- The what?
- The Arc Net. The defense system.
K got it for the Boglodites.
There is no K.
He's been dead for over 40 years.
No K. No defense system.
Boris jumped back and killed him.
If you wanna save the world,
stop that from happening.
You have to find Jeffrey Price.
He's Obadiah's son.
Let's hope the little squirt
hasn't skipped town.
ALIEN 1: Good luck, J!
ALIEN 2: This planet's toast. Ha-ha-ha.
How can I help you?
We're having an amazing sale
on batteries.
Whoa. Okay, we got other stuff,
like headphones, adapters or...
You helped Boris the Animal
time jump.
Whoa, whoa.
Okay, I had to. That dude's a freak.
He killed my partner.
I want to know when
and where you sent him.
What, you think I keep,
like, a logbook?
Huh.
J:
Target vector, July 16,
- 1969.
- All right.
That's a real bummer
about your buddy.
I'm sure he was a great guy.
But in terms of
the space-time continuum,
your friend was a little blip
on the historical radar!
Oh.
That's a big blip.
- Okay. What's the plan?
- You're gonna send me
back to July 15th, 1969.
No, that's a stupid plan,
because I sent Boris to July 16th.
I'm not worried about that one.
I'll kill the younger Boris
before the older one shows.
That way, neither of them
will even exist.
That's why you get to wear
the black suit.
No?
You're gonna leave me hanging?
Okay.
Oh, I just thought of something.
Even back then,
New York was like a big-ish city.
So how are you
gonna really find him?
On July 15th, Boris killed an alien,
Roman the Fabulist, at Coney Island.
You're gonna get there first
and be waiting?
Dude, they should give you
two black suits.
My man, for real?
Oh, right.
Sorry. Um...
This...
is the real deal. Time-jump gear.
Very rare, very old.
But first, we gotta get high.
Hey. No.
No. No, I mean, really high.
JEFFREY: Unh! Hey,
man? A little help here?
Unh. Thank you.
Okay.
- You know the rules of time jumps?
- Give me the short version.
Okay. You wanna save
your partner, word of advice:
Stay away from him.
Yeah, got it. Stay away from K.
Just kill Boris.
Now, take these.
It gets pretty windy
on the way down.
The way down?
With eyes tearing up,
it's hard to read the dial.
Plus, it helps you look like a real
time traveler, which is cool.
I am not jumping off of this building!
Time jump.
Okay, now,
I gotta set this thing
to the 15th.
Uh, that seems
right-ish.
Now
all you gotta do is jump.
Hey, hey, stop. Stop it.
When you're moving
fast enough,
that circle is gonna fill up with
some sort of green time-travel liquid
and it's gonna glow
really bright.
As soon as that happens,
break that blue laser line
with your thumb
to complete the circuit.
At this height,
that should be, uh...
Let's see, mass of Earth and
30-something feet per minute...
It's 32 feet per second, per second!
That sounds right-ish.
So that would be, I guess, uh,
about two feet off the ground.
I break the laser line?
No, don't break it!
- No, when I'm fast enough!
- Sounds good!
Do I break the laser line
or do I not break the laser line?
Do not lose that time device
or you will be stuck in 1969!
It wasn't the best time
for your people.
I'm just saying.
It's, like, a lot cooler now.
How will I know if it works?
You'll either know...
or you won't.
You must really love this guy
to do this.
Oh, wait. How come I remember K,
but nobody else does?
Whoa! Whoa.
- That means you were there!
- I was where?
If you survive, you gotta come back
and tell me everything.
Where was I?
You gotta go!
Just go, go, go!
[ALARM WAILING]
[SIGHING]
[SHRIEKING]
Oh, no!
Heh.
Come on!
[MAN SCREAMING]
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
[SCREAMING]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS THEN PANTING]
[CHUCKLING]
[TICKING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[THE K GROUP'S "LOVE IS
STRANGE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
# Love #
# Love is strange #
# When you leave me # #
- My man, what's today?
- Tuesday.
- The date?
- The 15th.
- Of?
- July.
- Dog, the year.
- 1969.
Thank you.
Look at me like I'm crazy.
MAN 1:
Far out.
Jerry rocked Haight-Ashbury
like you wouldn't believe.
MAN:
Okay, we're here.
- Happy?
WOMAN: You're such a pill, Fred.
FRED: Get us checked in.
WOMAN: Yeah, yeah.
Hey. Hey, do me a favor, all right?
- Be careful with the luggage.
- Absolutely, sir.
FRED: I paid a lot of
money for that luggage.
BELLBOY: We'll take good care...
FRED: Last time, it got scuffed up.
Here you go, sir.
Just call down when you need it.
There's more in the trunk.
Uh, yeah, it'll be in your room, sir.
Just go in.
BELLBOY: Excuse me.
Excuse me, who is that?
Who are you?
# Bell Flight 14, you now #
# Can land #
[HONKING]
Let's go!
# Safe on the green desert sand #
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
# It's so very lonely #
# You're 2000 light-years #
# From home # #
Far out, man!
If you want to keep that,
I wouldn't.
Make love, not war.
I prefer to do both.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[SIREN WAILING]
How are you, officers?
What can I do you for?
Well, look at this.
Power windows, power seats.
- I'll bet you it cost 6 grand.
- Yeah.
Uh, yes, and it has a roof,
but it's hidden.
Hey, what kind of work
do you do?
An individual of your
particular ethnic persuasion?
- Mm...
COP: Maybe he's a noted athlete.
Mm.
Yes. Uh... Starting forward
for the Detroit Darkies.
- Where'd you get the car?
- And the suit?
I stole them both.
Uh, car from your wife,
suit from your grandmother.
[GRUNTS]
Hey.
What do we have here?
Concealed weapon?
Hey, it's his grandmother's suit.
- Hey, what's this?
- Probably drugs.
I have rights
and I demand to see my lawyer
before you press that small button
on the side firmly.
Press it.
That, gentlemen,
is a standard-issue neuralyzer.
You're not gonna remember that.
And just because you see
a black man driving a nice car
does not mean it's stolen.
I stole that one.
But not because I'm black.
I'll be done
with the car in a minute!
Just find it and take it back
to the jerk at the Roosevelt Hotel.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Where is the Archanan?
MAN:
You are too late.
He is going to give the humans
the Arc Net.
Let's agree to disagree.
[CHIRPS]
[GRUNTS THEN THUDS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[THUMPING]
We'll take it from here.
K?
K! K! Aah!
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
ALIEN:
Dad, I'm on Earth.
I need bail.
[ALIEN GROWLING]
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Will the owner
of a blue warp-speed cruiser
please report to the front desk.
You need to turn the electricity
down on that damn thing.
Can't taste my fricking tongue, K.
How do you know my name?
What? Because I called you "K"?
No, I call everybody K.
It's kind of my thing.
What up, K?
All right, I sort of...
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Yeah, that's kind of my thing.
I just... Uh, some people like it.
Most people.
Now that I know what you look like
when you're lying, show me
what you look like
when you're telling the truth?
I won those at Coney Island
on the ring toss.
I won a stuffed bear once,
but never one of these.
Must be good, slick.
All right, sir,
I was minding my own business.
I was waiting for my girl,
who, by the way,
is probably worried sick
looking for me right now.
So I just need my things
and I need to get back to her.
What's her name?
Huh?
Your gal, what's her name?
Schtaron.
Schtaron?
I bet Schtaron
likes that suit of yours. Hm?
What, it's a crime
to wear a black suit?
All right, listen.
I haven't done anything wrong.
And I need to get out of here.
I cannot be with you.
Terribly sorry. X is frightfully upset
about the whole Coney Island incident.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Oh, man, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- What do you expect? It was...
J: Just ground this morning.
O?
No, I call ladies "O."
To me, O is feminine,
K is masculine.
You know, I see a couple,
I'm like, "O-K."
What a mess.
Any casualties?
Yes, Roman the Fabulist.
Any human casualties?
No, sir.
Who the hell is this?
Look, I was...
- Stray human caught in the net.
- Code 43 him and throw him back.
You're late for a meeting
with the Viagrans.
They have a revolutionary new pill.
It's really...
Okay, slick.
I was waiting for my girl.
Schtaron.
Yes, she's Greek.
Okay. Just one last thing.
An eye exam.
That's not an eye exam, K.
That's a big-ass neuralyzer!
You have a lot of information for
a fella who doesn't know anything.
J:
I see what you're saying.
Whoa. You know, K,
we need to hold up a second.
K!
TECHNICIAN:
Let's get this bite guard in here.
Hey, back up, back up.
K, listen, I think we got off
on the wrong foot, all right?
So let's just stop for a second
and talk.
Don't put me in here, K!
Too late, hoss.
K, no, listen to me.
I can help you with this case!
K!
I'm doing the truth face!
You're missing it!
Ah, I'll just use my imagination.
J:
K, the killer
you're looking for, I'm after
the same guy. A Boglodite.
His name is Boris.
Ship has sailed, amigo.
J:
If we don't get him, there'll be two.
You had my undivided attention.
J:
One will have one arm
and one's gonna have two. K!
Listen to me!
If you erase me,
you erase the world!
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Fifteen seconds
to neuralyzation. Fourteen.
Thirteen. Twelve.
Eleven. Ten. Nine.
When you see Boris tomorrow, K,
kill him. Do not arrest him, kill him!
Four. Three. Two.
[BELL RINGS]
Is this thing off?
Hey, I don't think it's all the way off, K!
It's whirring and buzzing.
I don't know if I don't know nothing.
I knew Roman.
His wife cooked me dinner once.
While it was not pleasant,
he was my friend.
Last chance, who are you
and what do you know?
I'm an agent
from the future.
We're partners.
In 25 years, you'll recruit me,
and 14 years after that,
the guy you didn't let me kill today
escapes from prison,
jumps to the past
and unleashes an invasion of Earth.
We got about 19 hours to kill him,
so, really,
we need to go right now.
[SIGHING]
All right.
So that's the story you believe.
That one was the truth.
Wasn't the whole truth,
but it'll do for now.
What are you talking about?
Of course it's the whole truth.
The problem with a lie is once
you start lying you put yourself...
[SIGHS]
X:
Agent K.
What's he still doing here?
I might have cooked him too long.
Thought I'd walk him out.
I put my pants on.
Okay, future man, where to?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I don't know. Uh...
Go wherever you went last time.
I haven't been here.
I didn't tell you where I went?
No. I mean, we don't really talk.
What kind of partners sit in a car
every day for 14 years and don't talk?
Exactly. And this is the type
of problem it causes.
It's dysfunctional.
All right, sport, you better get useful
real quick or you go back in room 43.
Man...
Uh... The, uh...
There was something in the file
about a factory.
Something happened at a factory.
Hey, look, man, you can put
your Jedi Knight on me all you want.
That's all I got.
[STARTS ENGINE]
That spark something?
Roman had this on his person
when he was murdered.
J:
It's a matchbook.
No, it's a clue.
He didn't smoke.
[ROY ROGERS' "I'M AN OLD
COWHAND" PLAYING ON RADIO]
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #
# I'm an old cowhand #
# From the Rio Grande #
# And I sing this song
In the cowboy band #
# I know all the songs
That the cowboys know about #
You lose something over here,
Hondo?
No. Uh...
Hey, man, how old are you?
# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay
He's an old cowhand # #
Twenty-nine.
Oof. You got some city miles
on you.
I'm starting to understand
why we don't talk.
- How well do you know this place?
- I know its reputation.
I don't like it. I hate going in blind.
I'm gonna need my gun.
Sure thing, slick.
Whoa, K! Wait, no,
I gotta go in with you!
You sit tight. I'll be fine.
Wait, no! No!
K!
K, don't go in by yourself!
Hi, fellas.
Need to see the boss.
He's busy.
Hm.
Well, I'm gonna just
take a look around.
Looks like we have ourselves
a standoff.
Looks that way.
[GRUNTS]
- Still keep the key under the ashtray.
- Lucky guess.
Now, where were we?
I was about to tell you
to screw off.
Hey, slick,
you bowl in the future?
MiB league champ,
three years running.
Well, let's see it.
Unh! You did not walk into my
establishment
and rip my head off!
My man, we don't have a lot of time.
You really need to tell him something.
I'll tell him this!
All right, your head.
MAN: Wait. Hey, if you do
this, I am gonna hunt you down
and make sure you
walk funny for the rest
of your miserable last days
on Earth! Unh!
- Tough spare, slick.
- God!
MAN:
You messed with the wrong head!
- His head's a little...
K: You gonna tell us
where Dom is?
MAN: I'll kill you both.
I'll kill both of youse!
- Ooh!
- Ow!
Your hook's a little off.
Want me to clean her?
- Sure thing.
MAN: No, no, no.
Come on, I just cleaned
the bathroom with this thing!
No cleaning! No cleaning!
Okay! Okay, all right!
All right, he's in the back.
But he's not gonna talk
to Men in Black scum like you.
Now give me back my head.
K, I call this one
"Low Hanging Fruit."
MAN:
That ain't a finger hole,
you sick bastard! Ow!
I'll pop your head off
and see how you like it.
[GROANS]
Ooh!
MAN: I'm gonna kill both of you!
I'm gonna kill the both of youse!
I'll kill you both!
- Well, we're on the right track.
- Just the wrong train.
K:
If he had any secrets,
I'm guessing he spilled them.
A smart man figures out
what victims have in common.
A smart man would.
That's a big-ass phone.
- Don't put that up to your head.
- Agent O.
How's your day been, Agent K?
Oh, fair to middling.
How are things going?
O:
Very good, thank you.
Hey, you saw her
like an hour ago.
I need cleanup and containment
at Cosmic Lanes.
Listen, I got a dead Parlaxian.
Now Roman was a Byvoid,
correct me if I'm wrong,
...from the same planetary grouping?
- A system in the Triangulum Galaxy
wiped out by Boglodites.
Wasn't the third planet...?
- K & J: Glamouria?
- Glamouria.
Thank you, Miss O.
I know where Boris
is headed to next.
You were close, slick.
It's not a factory, it's the Factory.
Look, if Boris turns out
to be here, I'm gonna kill him.
- I need my gun.
- No deal.
I've been an agent
for 14 years.
Which means I'm the senior agent
on this case. Now, I hate to pull rank,
but I am instructing
my junior agent,
that's you, to give me my gun
right now. That's an order.
No, no, no, space gun.
You're welcome.
I didn't say thank you.
[STATUS QUO'S "PICTURES OF
MATCHSTICK MEN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
For such an ungainly species,
they've thrived on Earth.
I was an agent
for three years
before I realized
all models were aliens.
Found out the hard way.
Password?
Hey, look, funky '60s dude,
we don't have a lot of time.
Janis Joplin.
# When I look up to the sky #
# I see your eyes #
# A funny kind of yellow #
Is there anybody here
who's not an alien?
# I rush home to bed
I soak my head #
Very nice.
Blink. That's good.
Look in the camera.
Is that Andy Warhol?
Yep.
Excuse me, Mr. Warhol,
could we have a minute?
Now is not a good time.
This is a be-in.
K:
Just a few
questions.
No questions. No answers.
Just being.
We have an urgent matter
to discuss with you
regarding one
of your party guests.
Why don't you come back
next week, after the happening
has happened.
Sorry, Mr. Warhol. You like
talking slow. We got stuff to do.
I've got a planet to save.
WARHOL:
You're distressing. Everything
about you upsets me.
Unh! Unh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Damn it, K!
Are you trying to blow my cover?
Agent W, your cover is safe.
Whoa, Andy Warhol is one of us?
WARHOL:
Safe?
You out of your mind?
I'm so out of ideas
I'm painting cans
and bananas for chrissakes.
Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta
tell you, I love your work.
Oh. Oh, thank you.
Who's the dumb-ass?
Whoa. Hey. How about a little
professional courtesy here?
- What, dumb-ass?
- Say it again.
- Want me to?
- I dare you.
Dumb-ass.
- Agents.
- I have no problem
pimp-slapping the shiznit
out of Andy Warhol.
What?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Why are you looking at me?
Oh, all right. You know what?
Agent K,
you see what information
you can get from Agent W
and I'll go case the perimeter.
- That work for everybody?
- Go do that.
- How about that?
- Oh, cute.
- Okay.
- Very nice.
Someone forget his nap? Huh?
# Mirages of matchstick men and you #
# All I ever see is them #
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey, how you doing?
Chilling.
# You're with this guy
You make men cry, you lie # #
WARHOL:
Who's that guy?
Don't tell me he's your new partner.
Actually, he's my old partner.
He traveled back from the future...
Stop, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
WOMAN:
Andy, Yoko's here.
Yoko's here. Uh... Ahem.
[IN SLOW DRAWL] Tell her that I'm
filming this man eating a hamburger. Um...
It's transcendent.
Uh, all right, now the pickle.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
# I'm waiting for my man #
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What are you doing on my turf?
Tracking a killer. Boglodite.
We believe he's gonna
hit here next, a Glamourian.
Glamourian?
Right solar system, wrong planet.
He's gotta be after the Archanan.
Archanans are extinct.
Apparently not.
One washed ashore last week.
The whole Roswell circuit's
all abuzz about it.
Alien unicorn. Last of its species.
- Mm.
- His name's Griffin.
WARHOL:
Griffin the Archanan.
# I'm waiting for my man # #
How's it going?
Going? How's it going? That depends.
For me, personally, things are good.
Unless we're in the future
where the muscle boy argues
with his girlfriend.
She storms off and bumps the guy
with the stuffed mushrooms,
who dumps the tray
on the sailors on leave.
A shoving match breaks out.
They crash into the table. In
which case, I gotta move my plate.
Or it's the future where the
pastrami sandwich I'm eating
causes me gastric distress.
Thankfully, your friend offers
the antacids he carries
in his right pocket, so good.
I'll be good.
Except in the future where
I have to leave in two minutes
before he has a chance
to offer me the antacids,
so on the whole, I'd have to say
not good. I am not good.
But that depends.
K!
How will we find this guy?
What am I, a schmuck?
He's here?
"Here" is a relative term.
He's a fifth dimensional being.
They can live in and visualize
an infinite set
of time-space probabilities
simultaneously.
Sounds like fun. Good work.
Whoa, whoa. K, K, K.
You gotta fake my death, okay?
I can't listen to sitar music anymore.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
I'll talk to X.
K, I can't tell
the women from the men.
May I see your watch?
Oh, it is 7:18.
No, no, your other watch,
the one your father gave you.
How do you know
about my father's watch?
[OVER SPEAKERS]
# Strange brew # #
Oh, dear.
This is the one
where Roman is dead
and the gentleman at the
bowling alley. So much death.
Such an infinitesimally
small chance for success.
K!
Griffin, right?
We're here...
Because of Boris.
We think he's coming...
To kill me.
He'll be here in minutes
unless we're in
the future
where he made the lights
and is about
to shoot from the door,
in which case we're all dead.
Ah, good,
that was a close one.
K, I need a space gun.
GRIFFIN:
The Boglodites
consume any planet
in their path.
Mine, Roman's, the Parlaxians'.
I tried to stop them, but if we stop
them here, if we deny them Earth,
we can stop them.
They'll starve before
they reach the next planet.
[STOMACH GROWLING]
Pfft. Sixty-three seconds.
How do we do that?
Stop them?
What? Oh!
Sorry. I have something for you.
A gift. It can protect you.
I had to hide it from Boris,
but if you find me again,
I'll give it to you.
Thank you. What a game!
Amazing! It's a real miracle!
Whoa. What do you mean?
What miracle?
Thirty seconds. I have to go.
No, we got you.
Negative possibilities are
multiplying as we speak.
- Okay.
- Twenty seconds.
All right.
We got it, relax.
If your watch is broken
and I have gastric...
MAN:
Fly! Find your place in the world!
GRIFFIN:
Oh, dear.
Boris is coming through that door
in 12,
11, 10...
Wait!
Did you have chocolate milk?
What...? Yes.
GRIFFIN:
Cindy.
[GRUNTS]
J:
K!
- Griffin!
- Got him.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[GUNSHOT]
[BORIS LAUGHING]
Damn it!
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Ouch!
I'm good, I'm good.
What you got?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Damn it! We had him!
Relax, Cochise. We'll find him.
First of all, my name is J, okay?
It's not "son," it's not "slick"
and it damn sure ain't no "Cochise."
I'm not gonna relax because
we're running out of time
and there's an invasion coming.
You're not really recognizing
my voicial intensity.
Oh, but there was one guy
who could help.
Hey, Griffin! Griffin! Where's Griffin?
Griffin. Where's Griffin at, K?
He's gone. If Boris gets to him
before we do, that's no bueno.
We need pie.
- What?
- My granddaddy always said:
"If you got a problem
you can't solve,
it helps to get out of
your head." Pie. It's good.
- Pie?
- Yeah.
Your granddaddy, heavyset man?
- A little bit.
- Yeah, you know what?
We've been doing smart stuff.
We've been following clues,
doing police work.
It might be time
we do something stupid.
Something that ain't got
nothing to do with nothing.
Now, I want some pie, K.
I want some pie.
Let's go get dumb-ass pie.
Sounds good.
[CHAD & JEREMY'S "A SUMMER
SONG" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[SIGHS]
# Sweet, sleepy warmth
Of summer nights #
[SIGHS]
Uh-uh.
Mm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mm.
# They say that all good things
Must end someday # #
Hmm...
Have any specials?
He'll have what he always has after
he reads the menu for 10 minutes
and asks about specials.
A slice of apple pie
with a nasty piece of cheddar.
I'll have the strawberry-rhubarb.
It's my last meal,
I'm gonna splurge.
World-class serial killer out there
and we're having pie.
What do you do
in your spare time, stretch?
Oh!
See, I sense you're not embracing
the concept here.
Pie don't work unless you let it.
I'm gonna let it.
And you say we don't talk?
You go ahead. Ask me any question.
Anything you want.
As long as it doesn't have to do
with the case. Just let her rip.
What's up with you and O?
Me and O?
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, you and O.
All right, all right.
All right, this is it.
A while back, I was assigned
to keep tabs on a musician.
Mick Jagger?
He's in this British band,
the Rolling Stones.
Rings a bell.
We believed he was on the planet
to breed with Earth women.
So I was in London
and that's when I met O.
Just smart. Funny. A great smile.
And we find ourselves in this pub,
which is a bar, all right?
Warm beer and
the worst food you ever ate.
We just played darts
till the sun came up.
Neither of us wanted to leave.
What the hell happened
to you, man?
I don't know.
It hasn't happened yet.
Come on, what about you, slick?
In the future, you got yourself a girl?
I got you.
MAN 1: I cannot believe
this, freaking New York Mets.
MAN 2:
Total losers!
It's a rough time
to be a Mets fan.
Tell me about it.
Never gonna catch the Cubs.
That's funny. The Mets
actually win it all this year.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm serious.
Oh, I'm sure.
Look, three months from now,
your buddies down there
are gonna be calling them
the Amazing Mets
and the Miracle Mets.
What?
What you got there, hoss?
The Archanan said, "It's amazing!
It's a miracle! I'll see you at the game."
I know where he is.
Told you to trust the pie.
K: If Griffin's here for a game,
he's either too early or too late.
J: He's here. We just gotta
find him before Boris does.
It's time to give you
your things back,
partner.
You get some pie in you,
you get all mushy.
I'm just tired
of carrying your stuff.
GRIFFIN: Boo! Ah, come on
now! All right! Let's go,
Mets!
Let's go, Mets! Let's go,
- Mets! Let's go, Met...
- Griffin?
Oh!
You're just in time!
Unless this is the one where Robinson
bad-hops it past third, it's almost over.
Whoo!
Are we missing
something?
The game.
[CROWD CHEERING]
J:
Whoa.
[ORGAN PLAYING OVER PA]
So this is how you see things?
This is amazing.
It's a gigantic pain in the ass.
But it has its moments.
This game doesn't happen
till October.
It's always October
and November and March.
So many futures, and all real.
Don't know which will coalesce.
Until then, they're all happening.
Like this one, it's my favorite moment
in human history.
All the things that had to converge
for the Mets to win the World Series.
They were in last place every single
season until they won it all.
You said you had a gift.
That baseball,
thrown for the last out of game five,
manufactured in '62 by Spalding
of Chicopee, Massachusetts,
was aerodynamically flawed
due to the horsehide
being improperly tanned
because the tanner's wife
left him
for a Puerto Rican golf pro...
Um, the gift?
Oh, yes, of course.
In the box.
Uh, it's the surprise.
To protect the Earth.
It's a shield.
J:
Shield.
Archanan. Arc Net.
You put up the Arc Net.
- How?
- When that ball is pitched to
Davey Johnson,
who became a player
because his dad couldn't find a
football to give him for his birthday,
it hits
his bat two micrometers
too high,
popping out to Cleon Jones
who would've been born Clara,
a statistical
typist, if his parents didn't have
an extra glass of wine that night
before going to bed.
[CROWD CHEERING]
A miracle
is what seems impossible
but happens anyway.
I lost my planet.
I don't want you to lose yours.
It'll take a miracle,
but if you pull this off,
you'll be my new
favorite moment
in human history.
Oh, dear.
I forgot to see this one coming.
[GRIFFIN YELLS]
Damn it!
[CAR BEEPING]
Have these in the future?
No.
Get on.
Keep gyro settings
at zero gain.
Balance pitch and yaw
with bursts on the center stalk
between 80 and 100 psi.
J:
Aah! I didn't understand
any of that!
- Gyro at zero gain.
- It is.
Pitch and yaw with short bursts
on the center stalk.
I did.
Between 80 and 100 psi.
Got it.
Whoa!
BORIS:
The Arc Net! Give it to me!
GRIFFIN:
This isn't the one where you get it!
- All right there, chief?
- Hell, yeah.
It'd be better with four wheels!
Two is, like, my minimum.
[HORN HONKS]
K: What happens if
Boris gets the Arc Net?
J: Boglodite invasion,
total destruction of Earth!
[HORN HONKING]
[J SCREAMING]
[GRUNTS]
The box!
[SNARLS]
[GRUNTS]
Good boy.
We gotta stop this guy!
J:
I've been trying!
You haven't been trying?
K:
Hey, slick.
In the future,
we ever do the Texas two-step?
Yes, sir!
[SCREAMING]
Did you get him?
Give me a sec.
Is he dead?
Negative.
He got away.
I got Griffin. Let's get out of here.
[THUNDER CRASHING
AND RUMBLING]
I feel younger already.
[GRUNTING]
[PIGEON COOING]
[SNIFFING]
[ROARING]
You pathetic waste
of Boglodite flesh.
I'd kill you right now,
if I didn't value my own life.
- Who are you?
- Look at you.
Every mistake I've ever made,
just waiting to happen.
What happened to my arm?
You lose it, shot off by a human.
No human could defeat me.
You spend the next 40 years in
prison, chained up like an animal.
No prison can hold me!
They built one especially for us,
on the moon.
No human has been to the moon,
so they cannot have
built it there already.
Stop arguing! You can avoid
all of that if you just listen to me!
You were defeated!
You let it get shot off!
That wasn't me, that was you!
[BOTH ROARING]
What's your plan?
Prevent the Arc Net
from being deployed.
- Kill anyone who tries.
- Good plan.
Didn't work.
With my help,
we'll get the Arc Net,
kill Agent K,
the invasion will be successful
and we'll get to keep both
of our ar...! Argh! Stop
staring at it!
Listen.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Thank you for saving my life.
It's what we do.
You still have the Arc Net?
When you're being hunted
by Boris the Animal,
you get good
at hiding things.
J:
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES]
This will save your world.
Once it's outside the atmosphere,
it gets
a whole lot bigger.
All you have to do is deploy it.
You mean in space? Well, how
do you suppose we do that?
Ah, it's just one small step.
The moon launch.
Cape Canaveral.
July 16th, 1969.
We got six hours to get to Florida.
Better get a move on, slick.
Uh, wait, uh, hold up.
Not us.
Uh, I'm gonna do this one alone.
He has to be the...
Griffin. Shh-shh-shh.
What do you mean, alone?
I'm gonna go to Florida.
You stay here.
I need you to trust me.
Trust you? I don't think so.
Something you're not telling me, slick?
You're not going to Florida.
That ain't gonna happen, partner.
Look, K,
please, I will not allow you
to go to Florida.
Stop me.
You die there!
Cape Canaveral. Apollo launch.
Boris kills you there.
That's what I'm here for.
That's what I came back to stop.
Oh, dear. We're in this one.
K,
I saw the file,
I looked at the report.
I said I told you everything...
[GRUNTS]
That's for lying to me.
Look, I'm sorry, man!
Aah!
That's for telling me the truth!
I'm trying to protect you,
man!
Aah!
The bitterest truth is better
than the sweetest lies.
Shh-shh!
He has to go to Cape Canaveral.
He must deploy the Arc Net
as he did before.
There's no other way.
K is the only hope
in saving Earth.
Can I save him?
Is there any future
where I save his life?
Yes.
But where there is death,
there will always be death.
According to you,
I've done this before.
So we know it's possible.
If you're half the agent
you say you are,
you'll make sure
I don't get killed doing it.
So are we partners? You tell me.
Let's go.
O:
Agent K,
...how are you?
- I'm good.
Okay, group hug on the way
to doing what we're doing.
MAN [ON TV]: This morning, man is about
to launch himself on a trip to the moon
with the expectation
of landing there.
Look, I gotta ask you.
If we pull this off,
fix things the way they were,
O and I, are we?
A wise man once told me,
don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to.
- I said that, didn't I?
- Yes, sir.
O:
Here they are.
J: What are they?
- Jetpacks.
Jetpacks?
[GRIFFIN LAUGHING]
No, no, no.
We're not doing jetpacks.
There's a reason we don't
have these in the future.
K, we gotta drive.
Can't drive to Florida from Manhattan
in five hours, chief.
Yeah, we can. The red button,
standard issue in every MiB car.
Press the red button,
goes into hyperdrive.
No red buttons yet, slick.
Come on, man.
Do you know
how to work this thing?
It's like with anything.
Just have to strap yourself in,
hope for the best.
Isn't that right, Miss O?
Unfortunately, it is.
[SIGHS]
You ready, slick?
Let's get it.
This is gonna be interesting!
MAN [OVER PA]:
It's just minutes to the
historic launch of Apollo 11
with all going well.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
I'm so glad this isn't
one of the times we explode.
One of the times?
Oh, we got company.
The hell?
[BEEPING AND WAVERING]
Is that a battery belt?
[DEVICE CHIMES]
All right, I got it.
[SIGHS]
No, any reality
that gets the shield deployed
is one where you tell the truth.
The truth?
The truth is the only path.
This is a restricted area!
Yes, sir, it is.
Good day, gentlemen.
Great day for America, isn't it?
My name is Agent J.
This is Agent K. That's Griff.
We're from a secret government
organization
that polices and monitors
alien activity on and off planet Earth.
Heh, here's the thing.
We have this special
little metal thingy
that Griff gave us that we have
to get on top of that rocket,
heh, heh,
to prevent an alien invasion.
[ALL GRUNT]
That worked.
- Like a charm.
MP: Sir, Delta Gate. We have a problem.
Three trespassers. No IDs,
but they've got weapons, sir.
Some kind I've never seen before.
What breed of fool
do you have to be
to penetrate my site
on the day of the most massive feat
attempted by mankind?
Watched by God, the population
of the planet and my own
...firstborn!
MP: Colonel?
Colonel, they had these.
They said they needed
to put something on the rocket
for an invasion.
Thanks.
I got 10 minutes
to launch.
If you pose a threat to that rocket,
you tell me now and do not lie to me.
I told the truth last time.
Sir, this man came here from
the future to protect me
so I can attach a shield to the top
of that rocket and save the world.
I need your help to do that.
Take them to the brig.
You're slipping, Griff.
Sir, if I may.
Corporal.
You men are
no longer needed.
I'll take the prisoners.
- Sir, are you...?
- Dismissed.
Follow me.
You did the future thing.
What did you show him?
Only what he needed to see.
I have to go now.
What? No, no, no. Come on.
You don't need me anymore.
All right, Griff,
don't start flipping on me.
When Boris' arm is taken, the past
will be as it was. K will survive.
He will not know
you were ever here.
All right. Arm gone, got it.
Like a reset?
When that happens, go home.
Leave.
You coming?
Yeah, all right!
Uh, thanks, man.
Hey, will I ever see you again?
Anything's possible.
Oh, Griff.
I can never bear to watch this part.
MAN [ON TV]:
Armstrong and Aldrin are scheduled
to set foot on the moon
on early Monday morning,
Eastern Daylight Time.
Where's Griffin?
Doing his own thing.
COLONEL:
Gentlemen.
This elevator
will take you to the top.
To get the Arc Net
outside the atmosphere,
you need to strap it to the escape
rocket above the capsule!
You do not want to be
anywhere near this rocket
when it takes off!
- Questions?
- No. Thank you for this, colonel.
Some job you got there.
Hey, thanks a lot, bro.
What did Griff
show you back there?
How important you are.
You and your partner.
J: If everything goes right
the way we hope it does,
I'm gonna end up
getting out of here pretty quick,
so I'm not gonna have a chance
to say a proper goodbye.
If things go wrong, not gonna
have a chance to, either.
So I guess win or lose,
this is it.
I see why I recruited you.
You're a good man.
Good man.
Man, what the hell
happened to you?
I told you,
it still hasn't happened yet.
[THUMPING]
[GRUNTS]
J:
I'll take this one!
Naughty.
Get a pedicure if you get a second.
[SNARLS THEN GRUNTS]
[YELLS THEN GRUNTING]
And liftoff.
[GRUNTING]
[SNARLING]
MAN [ON TV]:
Just passed the two-minute mark
in the countdown, and all is still go
as we monitor our status board.
[GRUNTS]
MAN: Astronauts report it
feels good. Power transfer is complete.
Neil Armstrong just reported back
it's been a smooth countdown.
[GRUNTING]
Hey!
Boris, can you give me a hand?
Hey! Aah!
Hey!
You hear me calling you?
Boris the Animal!
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
It's just Boris!
[GROWLS]
You're gonna lose.
Let's agree to disagree.
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
[GROWLING AND ROARING]
Right.
Left.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
You're gonna lose.
Let's agree to disagree.
[GRUNTS]
Hey!
Boris the Animal!
[GROWLING AND ROARING]
Right.
Left. Left.
Right.
That's not possible.
Let's agree to disagree.
That's not possible!
[ROARS]
[BORIS LAUGHING]
K!
I win! I'm better than me!
[GROANS]
That's my partner.
That's my partner!
If we call this in,
...they'll scrub the launch.
- I didn't see anything.
[GRUNTS]
- Where's your partner?
- He went home.
- How does that work?
- You got me.
Come on!
[SCREAMS]
Get down!
[ALL CHEERING]
Wow.
K:
Bingo.
Man, that is
some next-level stuff.
You ever want to see more,
I know a top-secret organization
that could use a man like you.
I wish I could.
Thank you.
I'll see you around, K.
Look out!
Go ahead.
Arrest me.
Not this time.
[YELLS]
"Where there's death,
there will always be death."
BOY:
Daddy! Daddy!
K:
Hey.
Hey, my name's K.
What's your name?
James.
K:
James? That's a nice name.
Where's my dad?
What have you got there?
What is that?
My dad gave it to me.
We timed the launch.
Where is my daddy?
He, uh...
He went to go do something
very special.
And he wanted me
to stay here and take care
of his best pal.
When is he gonna be back?
He, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
James...
if you look right here,
I will tell you the only thing
you ever need to know.
Your daddy is a hero.
My daddy is a hero?
K: Want to take a walk with me?
- Yes.
James?
[SIGHS]
# Concrete jungle where dreams #
# Are made of
There's nothing #
# You can't do #
# Now you're in New York #
# Oh, yeah #
# These streets will make you # #
K:
# Feel brand-new #
# Inspire you #
# New York #
# New York #
# New York # #
You're late.
Uh, sorry. Lost track of time.
How do you know that song?
Drink your coffee.
We got work to do.
What do you know
and what do you don't?
How do I know what I don't know?
That's a really good question.
Did we go to Wu's last night?
Yeah.
Boglodites?
Extinct for 40 years.
Perfect. Did we talk
on the phone last night?
You hung up on me.
Yeah, I did.
But that was because
of all those secrets
the universe
doesn't know about.
[SIGHS]
But...
I've realized that
last night was a long,
long time ago.
And, really,
I just want to say thank you.
It's been my privilege.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, there's a really
high possibility now
that I might know some things
you don't know.
- I doubt it.
- Heh.
I bet I know what went down
with you and O.
K: She's a fine lady,
but you know the rules.
There's no fraternizing
amongst agents.
J: I think y'all might have
fraternized a time or two.
This is my new favorite moment
in human history.
Unless this is the one
where K forgot to leave a tip.
Almost forgot.
That was a close one.
# You'll have to excuse me, baby #
# Go
Yeah, you, baby #
# Back
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# In
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time #
# It's Mr. Worldwide #
# Agent A, reporting live
From Cape Canaveral #
# MK, Big Syphe, let's ride #
# Back in time #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# Miami equals black mask
Black gloves #
# With a little bit of rope to tie
I flipped it #
# Black suits, white shirts
Black glasses with a matching tie #
# Like Agent J or Agent K #
# And I wish the whole world would
Okay #
# I'm trying make a billion
Out of 15 cents #
# Understand, understood
I'm a go-getter, mover, shaker #
# Culture, bury a boarder
Record-breaker #
# Won't you
Give credit where credit is due #
# Don't you
Know that I don't give a number two #
# Y'all just halfway thoughts
Not worth the back of my mind #
# But to understand the future
We have to go back in time #
# Whoo #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# I got the globe
Yeah, in the palm of my hand #
# Wherever I spin it
That's where I land #
# Let's save the world, Men in Black
I know you understand #
# Stop the movement
They can try if they want to #
# They can try if they want to #
# What Pit solves, a bit raw #
# Took like jigsaw and built it all
Despite a big loss, I'd bet it all #
# And fought blind against the world
Ray Charles #
# Y'all just halfway thoughts
Not worth the back of my mind #
# But to understand the future
We have to go back in time #
# Whoo #
# Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one #
# You'll have to excuse me, baby #
# Go
Yeah, you, baby #
# Back
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# In
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time
Excuse me, baby #
# Let's
Yeah, you, baby #
# Go
Ooh, you're groovy, baby #
# Back
Let's make a movie, baby #
# Time #
# Baby #
# My sweet baby #
# My sweet baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the
Baby #
# Oh, baby #
# Oh, baby #
# My sweet baby #
# You're the one # #