Mrs In-Betweeny (2008) Movie Script
Firstly, may I convey my sincere
condolences at this saddest of times.
To lose one parent is a tragedy,
but to lose both and in such a...
unique way... Well, words cannot convey
how you three poor, unfortunate
children must be feeling.
But, how heartening for you to know that
you have such a warm, loving family around you.
So, to the real reason why we are all here today.
About time. Senile old fart.
I'm sorry?
I said... About time, senile old fart!
Oh, quite, yes.
Err... well... let me see... ah!
In the unlikely event of both our
deaths we propose the following
Until such time as our children
are of legal age to care for themselves
we'd like as their guardian...
Who?
Shit!
- What's wrong with him?
- Phone 999. Get an ambulance.
- Check his pulse.
- Who's looking after us?
Take his teeth out.
- What ?
- He might choke.
- Is he dead?
- You take 'em out!
- I think he's dead.
- Well?
- Give us a hand.
- Thank you!
- Get him on his side.
- Uncle Neil ?
- Yeah.
- Who's looking after us?
- That's a mistake.
- Brendan...
It was supposed to be me.
Uncle Brendan!
transcripts.subtitle.me.uk
Arrangements/synchro:
benji1000 & Arcueil
Delayed flight 1795 from Las
Vegas has now landed.
So is Uncle Brendan our new dad?
Yeah, well, sort of.
- He's not coming.
- Maybe he's died too.
He'll be here, OK?
Don't worry, he'll be here.
- Oh, I need a wee.
- You'll have to wait, Kevin.
- It landed ages ago.
- Maybe he's on a later flight.
I walked straight past you.
Put on a bit of weight since
last I saw you, Neil.
Don't tell me you've given up.
- Err, no, cheers.
- Mags not with you?
They're divorced.
Brendan?
Fuckin' hell!
Come on...
Wow, they did all right for
themselves here, eh?
Bar their sudden deaths, obviously.
So, what's the story with you and Maggie?
Had you down as mates for life ?
- He shagged another woman.
- Yet another woman.
Makes a change from me screwing up.
So Uncle Brendan, does this still
mean you're our new dad?
Let's talk about that later, shall we, Kev?
- Well?
- Hum.
- Is he there yet?
- Who?
Your brother!
Oh, yeah. She's, he's...
he's just got here.
I'm not coming round. He can beg
all he likes, not without an apology.
I hope he's changed for all our sakes.
I think that's a distinct possibility.
Look, Kathleen's here.
I, err, I, I've gotta go.
- Err, can I speak to my grandchildren...
- Bye.
Oh, hey, look. Japanese
love eggs. Oh, look...
Also known as 'The Satisfier'.
Just run them under the tap and put
them in the cupboard with the others.
Where is he?
I'm going to need a car.
Car?
I'll need to go to the shops,
take them to school...
- So, you, you're stopping, then?
- I am their legal guardian.
Great! Look, hem, Holly's
written everything down.
Mean sports clubs, music lessons,
dietary requirements...
- Kevin's seeing a shrink?
- No, behavioural therapist.
School thinks you're a little different
and suddenly you're a...
...freak.
- How long have you been like this?
- Nice segue, Neil.
Started the procedure 18 months ago.
Look, 'cause they look, I mean...
- They feel almost...
- Hormone therapy.
- What, so you mean they're actually...
- All me.
Shit.
- What is it now, then? Brenda?
- Emma.
- Right. 'course.
- And no.
I'm not, you'll be relieved to know.
- What?
- Gay.
So you're not...?
Unless, of course,
I start fancying other women?
Right so, so you do fancy men?
I'm kind of sitting on the
fence on that one.
Look bollocks, Brendan...
I don't mean...
I'm sure you have changed, yeah?
Clearly. But these are Ben's
kids we're talking about.
And he wants 'em to live with a relative
they haven't clapped eyes on in years.
She's outside.
Girlfriend?
The other woman?
Kathleen, the wicked witch
of Wythenshawe.
A younger Maggie with bigger tits.
You can ask me one question.
- D'you like cheese?
- No! For fuck's sake, Kevin.
- Do you have a cock?
- Yes.
It's Wednesday. We usually have
pasta on a Wednesday. Tomato.
- 'cause Kevin only eats red things.
- Red things?
Tomatoes, strawberries,
but mostly tomatoes.
My therapist says it's a phase.
And I'm a vegan. You know
what a vegan is, right?
Sure. Doctor Spock.
Funny ears.
No meat. No dairy.
Anything else I should know?
Homework. Tomorrow.
Well... Coming or what?
The question you should
have asked me was
'Why the fuck weren't you at
our Mum and Dad's funeral?'
Good point, Charlie, well made.
I wanted to be there. I did.
But then it wouldn't have
been about them any more...
it would have been about these...
I had my own funeral.
What am I doing with their clothes?
Glad you asked me that, our Kev.
One, practicality, I need some
place to put my stuff.
Two, hard as it is, time we all started
confronting what's happened.
We can either take this lot down the
Sally and let some ginger-arced twat
waltz around
in your dad's favourite shirt,
or...
we can say goodbye to it properly.
D'you think they miss us?
Who?
Mum and Dad!
I would if I were dead.
I bet it's well boring.
- What?
- Heaven.
No such thing.
So what happens to ya, then?
You become worm food.
She's only messing with you, Kev.
'Course there's a heaven.
Can't believe you never suspected
anything when you were growing up.
Your brother.
Love to have seen your mother's
face when you dropped that one.
You haven't told her.
I will.
She's... she's been through a lot lately, yeah?
Suppose we could always contest the will?
- Why?
- I don't know...
insist they move in with us?
Why?
Instant family.
Saves me messing up me figure.
No! The house isn't big enough.
Move into theirs.
Haven't they got a whirlpool
thingy in their ensuite?
Of course.
It might cramp our style a bit.
No spontaneous sex in the kitchen.
- For example.
- Exactly!
No early-morning "French breakfasts"...
Remember you said you wanted to get me
something really special for my birthday?
- Neil?
- Yeah, really special.
Well, I've thought of something.
Can't believe you never suspected
anything when you were growing up!
You're talking out your arse, Brendan!
No way the Bionic Woman could
beat the Six Million Dollar Man.
It's two years later,
technology's improved!
Stands to reason she'd be better!
And she's got a bionic ear!
Yeah, but the Six Million Dollar
Man's got a bionic eye!
It's a scientific fact that you hear
things before you see them!
- Did you hear that?
- No!
Neil... I want a lesbian experience!
O... Okay.
Really?
You are the best!
Are you sure she's asleep?
Jet lag.
I'm not really sure about this, Holly.
So what's she like?
Do we have to talk about this now?
What was that?
- What?
- Maybe she's up.
- It was nothing.
- No harm in checking though, eh?
It was nothing. Relax.
- Ow.
- Sorry...
- Shouldn't... shouldn't it be...
- What?
Harder.
- It's me, isn't it?
- No.
No, I really like you, Hol.
It's, it's just...
You feeling thirsty?
Who are you? And what the fuck
are you doing here?
Ryan.
Holly's boyfriend.
Where is she?
Upstairs.
You must be Holly's Auntie.
Yeah.
Emma.
Well... goodnight, Ryan.
Yeah.
Oh. You take drugs, Ryan?
Draw?
Skank?
Weed?
No. Jesus. I'd never...
'Cause I've a feeling I'm gonna need
a lot of it if I'm living here.
Well, I might know someone,
who knows someone...
Sixty.
That should easily cover it.
Finally!
Where's the juice?
Your aunt finished it.
She's well hot.
It's Mister Spock.
Doctor Spock wrote baby books.
Common misconception.
I'm hungry.
Right, try this one.
He won't eat that.
Aunt Emma?
We thought you'd prefer if
we told that you are our aunt.
How very thoughtful.
- I'm off.
- Have a good day.
And no kissing behind the bike sheds.
Is this some kind of mind game thing?
Sorry?
Well, if you're going to punish me,
I'd rather you just did it.
Ryan.
The naked boyfriend.
Jesus!
Homework?
Hi, Kevin. Hey, Charlie!
I'm Hellen, with an "e".
Used to be Helen but Brian, husband,
kept shortening it to Hell.
- Number 6.
- Ryan's mum.
- House with the maroon door.
Though I've been begging Brian, husband,
to repaint it since the day we moved in.
But, hey, y'know what fellas are like!
Yes. We know what fellas are like, don't we, Hol?
Laters.
Shame their uncle couldn't make it.
You boys ready?
Car pool. All the mummies take a turn.
I'll give you the rota when we
bob round for coffee later.
Well, you can't be too careful.
There's already a paedo moved
in to Albion Avenue.
Coffee?
Today's Thursday.
Don't worry, I've told them not to
descend on you 'till 10.
That should give you enough time
to tidy up and put some lippy on.
Richard and Judy's latest.
We'll be discussing this on Monday.
Confidentially, I think it's a
pretentious pile of s-h-one-t.
Love, light and peace!
Shush now kids, seatbelts.
Everybody ready?
All my mates have had one, even Fiona.
I'm beginning to think
I'm some kind of leper!
You want to be a lesbian?
Not as a going concern.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased?
Every man's fantasy, isn't it?
- Two women going at in the same room?
- Oh, I am. Obviously, well,
I guess l was just thinking more along
the lines of a necklace or something.
Ah. You feel threatened?
No.
That is so sweet!
But you shouldn't, you know.
Think of it as a compliment.
- Compliment?
- I trust you enough
to want to share
my innermost fantasies, Neil.
- What is he?
- A pig.
School Nativity.
- It's September.
- And not even THE pig,
he's the third pig!
- Mummy, can I have some sweets?
- Yes, you can.
These are the last ones, OK?
- One for you and one for you.
- Thank you.
I wrap up bits of carrot.
They think they're chocolates.
So Emma, I wasn't aware
Rebecca or Ben had a sister.
They don't.
And will your husband
be joining you any time soon?
No.
We're separating.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm his guardian.
I'll be right over.
Nothing too terrible I hope, Emma?
Kevin's headmaster.
He's been caught
distributing porn around the school.
I don't suppose anyone
could offer me a lift?
Brendan, Brendan, Brendan...
Emma?
Right everybody, look at me. Smile!
Smile. Brendan, stop pouting.
- Oh, you big girl. You poof. Bum boy!
- Shut up, you lot.
Mrs Winslow?
Please.
I'll, err, pray for him.
It's, err...
a penis.
It's been so long since I last saw one.
Did he tell you where he got it from?
No. But, well, it doesn't take a genius
to figure that one out.
- The internet.
- Of course.
Damn thing.
- Damn it indeed, Mrs Winslow.
- Miss.
AKA Emma.
If you're feeling particularly bold.
That's a very nice err...
Kevin...
I'm sorry. If this was
an isolated incident...
- He's been caught selling porn before?
- Not that we know of.
But you are aware of
last month's incident?
Yes, of course.
Then you don't need me to tell you what
a major disruptive influence he's been.
You're aware of his family situation?
Oh, more than, and it is indeed
extremely sad but,
I have to think
about the rest of the children.
The majority needs
as opposed to the individual?
Quite.
Which leaves me no option but to...
and I say this
with the heaviest of hearts...
- ...exclude him.
- What?
He's seven years old!
I appreciate your concern...
Fuck concern! What am I going to do
with him all day?
- Excuse me?
- Two words : Bargain Hunt.
I don't want a 7-years-old
snapping around my ankles
- while I'm watching TV.
- Quite.
Is there no way I can make you reconsider?
I'm extremely sorry.
Let me ask you that question again...
Graham.
Is there no way I can make you
reconsider...Graham?
Or maybe you'd like to give me
your answer over a drink tonight?
Bollocks!
What the fuck are you doing here?
I got your message.
Yeah, all right, lads!
Just back to work, yeah?
- I said I'd see you at the house.
- Can't. Hot date.
Besides, I need the money.
House keeping.
Christ! Will you look at yourself!
Never had you down as a prude, Neil.
- I'm not.
- So, where's my desk going?
I do own a percentage
of the business now. Technically.
Kidding! Think of my nails.
- So what's the big problem?
- No...problem...
...exactly. Err, just thought I'd check
in, you know, see how it's going.
- Is it going?
- Nothing I can't handle.
- Well, if there's nothing else...
- Yeah, also...
I need... I need your advice.
Bye.
Off for me lunch.
- Want anything?
- Err, no.
Mary?
You're all alone, right?
- Must be hard being so lonely.
- Has its moments.
If you'd like, I mean I am extremely
busy, as you can imagine,
but you're quite welcome to come over
for a sherry one night.
- Oh, lovely.
- Great.
Not tonight, by the way.
Pilates. Saturday crown green.
Obviously, can't do Sunday.
- God?
- Oh, no, paintballing.
Residents VS Careworkers.
- Why don't you get back to me?
- Are you sure about that butty?
Oh, I'm fine.
And you thought because I'm a freak, I'd
know where to get hold of other freaks?
I'm out of my comfort zone here, OK?
I don't know about this stuff.
If you don't want to do it, tell her.
It's not that I don't want to do it,
per se. I love her, you know?
- I just want to make her happy.
- And if you can't find her
a rug muncher, you're scared she's going
to run off with some guy who will?
OK. Fuck off.
God what was I even thinking
asking of my own brother for...
- Sister.
- Whatever.
I want your car.
Well, I want...
- No, no.
- No car, no lesbian.
- No.
- Fine...
- Okay.
- Okay?
So, is mother still working
in that charity shop?
Nicking all the best stuff and fobbing
the rest off as designer gear?
Nothing ever changes round here.
Brendan?
Emma...
Could you make her, well...not too
lesbian-ish, if you know what I mean?
Quite like to have some fun myself.
Bye, guys.
- Shit! What?
- I've been giving it a lot of thought,
and I really think you should
dump Ryan, darling.
- What?
- Sleep with him by all means.
You're far too young to be
in a serious relationship.
Your grandfather and I
hardly ever did it.
But now he's buggered off, I can't stop
thinking about it. How strange.
You're 15, you should be
enjoying yourself.
Gran...
- Give Brendan a message.
- Oh, God.
He needs to apologize
after all the grief he's caused.
Tell him to call me
at the shop this afternoon.
Not tonight though, eh? Pilates.
I really do have to go.
I'll tell you what, why don't I book you
an appointment at the family planning?
Get a coil fitted or something.
It's been ages since we did
something fun together!
I don't want an appointment
at the family fucking planning!
- You all right?
- Yeah...
How are we doing in there?
Oh, you look divine!
Of course you're lucky.
You've got the figure for it.
Turn round.
It's a tad expensive.
Genuine Armani is, dear.
Still a hell of a lot cheaper
than the high street.
There, that's better.
You really think... I look okay?
You look stunning, dear.
Oh, I've got just the thing, wait there!
Came in yesterday,
just suit a woman like you, not that
there's many of us left around here.
More wogs than wags,
if you know what I mean...
Some people!
'Hope you're gonna like it.
3,2,1, surprise! Yeah!
- Everybody ready?
- Yes.
Blow 'em out.
You hungry?
You have no new messages.
Okay. Just do it.
- Do it?
- Ground me, hit me, whatever,
just get it over and done with.
This about that whole
boyfriend thing again?
Ryan wasn't it? Unless of course
you're onto someone else by now.
Was over 20 hours ago after all.
You're supposed to care
about my well-being.
- Wrong.
- What?
I'm your guardian, not your nursemaid.
You shit yourself, you clean it up!
That's not fair!
We don't know each other.
Haven't spoken since you were 10.
You want that sort of commitment,
you gotta earn it. If you want to behave
like a slapper then, hey,
who am I to stand in your way?
D! I got a D!
English never was my strong suit.
Geography on the other hand...
Why didn't you tell me
you were shite at English?
You didn't ask me.
No, you just assumed that.
A, because we're related
I'd be delighted to cheat
for you, and B,
that I know all there is to know
about creative writing which,
- as you can see... I clearly do not.
- I hate you.
Well you better get used to that feeling
kiddo, 'cause I'm all you've got.
- Fucking weirdo!
- Fucking weirdo?
Years of education and that's the best
you can come up with?
- Fucking, mentalfreak!
- Better.
Up-hill gardening, shit-stabbing freakoid!
C-plus. But still no cigar. Come on,
Charlie, you can do better that.
Cock-loving, bum-baiting, shirt-lifting,
sperm-guzzling cunt!
Inaccurate.
But if you'd applied that level
of creativity to your homework,
then maybe you
wouldn't have got a D, eh?
Right then Kevin, 'looks like it's just
you and me for dinner, there you go.
One plate of red stuff.
Sorry. Sounds silly but I feel like
I already know you. Sorry.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna go
and... freshen up.
- Graham?
- I was thinking, maybe,
- we should cut to the chase?
- There's a chase?
No point blowing a fortune
on a three course meal
if we both know
what we're really here for.
Not that I wouldn't buy you
a three course meal...
You're right.
I am ?
God, I love it when a man
knows what he wants!
- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.
Makes me wet just thinking about it.
Wet?
It's like Niagara Falls down there.
Oh, you like to play rough.
Tell you what else I like?
Watching.
Well?
- It's a bit cold in here.
- Maybe this will help?
Shit me!
Ready when you are, headmaster.
- Leave it!
- Might be the kids.
Don't worry, I'm a woman,
I can multi-task!
- Hello?
- Brendan?
It's Deborah, Brendan. Mother.
- You OK?
- Well, as good as can be expected
considering I've lost both my husband
and eldest son in the same year.
You sound strange...
In the car, hands free.
I was just calling to see
how my grandchildren are.
As I'm assuming
you're in no rush to call me.
They're fine.
Everything's all in hand.
Actually, there was something
I wanted to run by you.
Hardly worth mentioning in fact.
It's about that...
whole 'business' before you left.
I may have exaggerated it
all slightly. You see...
I may have said you stole more of
my money than you actually did...
I forget the exact details.
Show me...
Go on, go on, go on...
Yeah. Yeah!
Oh... Fu...
Brendan?
Sorry Mum, tunnel. Lost you there,
what were you saying?
Mom?
- Oh, sorry...
- Away from me!
That's not very
gentlemanly of you, Graham.
You're not staying to finish me off?
Don't worry.
I won't tell your wife...
if you get your kicks pleasuring
yourself over chicks with dicks.
- Probably.
- He won't be excluded, alright?
There, you got what you wanted,
- now fuck off!
- Is that all you think all this is
really about? Little Kev's future?
You don't recognise me, do you?
'Course, no reason why you should.
Over 20 years ago now.
And my hair was a lot shorter then.
What was it you used to collect?
Oh, yeah, old pickle jars, wasn't it?
Which you'd fart in and then seal back up.
And if I didn't do exactly what you and
my idiot brothers said,
you'd let them off in my face.
Brendan?
My life was hell enough already
thank you very much.
'Cause I wasn't like you
and your rugger-bugger mates.
I was a bit different.
Let's do it again sometime.
Pst! Fancy a smoke?
- This your shag pad then?
- No!
Just assumed...
It's not as though you can dip your wick
at home with Mary and Joseph around.
Funny!
Joking aren't you?
That hippy shit rots your brain.
She thinks...
you don't like them. You know, Holly.
Always said she'd go far that one.
So why d'you come back
and look after them?
They're my family.
Bible class finished early.
Ryan?
- How much d'you make?
- 20.
Laters.
I'd like to talk.
Samaritans love to chat.
You're wrong, you know?
I'm not a slapper.
I don't know whether
you've noticed but...
I'm kind of going through
a difficult time at the minute.
I just wanted someone...anyone...
to touch.
I just wanted to feel wanted.
You know that feeling...
Holly, honey, I know you want to blame
everything on your parents
being dead, but honestly...
this isn't about anyone dying.
You just want to get your end away.
Goodnight.
You know what the chances are
of being hit by a lump of frozen urine
falling from an aeroplane's toilet?
It's like a zillion to one or something.
Nobody knows me as Holly any more.
I'm just the girl whose parents
were killed by a lump of frozen piss.
They're dead and they're
still embarrassing me!
If only they'd shut that sun roof.
You're lucky.
My mum's still alive.
She's going to be so pissed off
when she finds out.
So you don't like talking
about the past then, eh?
How exactly would one go
about getting one's end away?
Hypothetically speaking of course.
- You don't know how to?
- Of course I know how to.
I just don't...
Well, it's one thing knowing all the
theory but when it comes to...
Hands on experience?
I'm an A student.
I'm good at everything. Ask anyone.
I want my first time to be the best.
You used to be a man...
you must know what they like.
Lesson 1.
Choose your weapon.
You must have a fanny like a bucket.
Right, so, now what I am about to
show you is strictly between us, yeah?
A family secret, passed down
from generation to generation.
What, like the recipe for Coca-Cola?
Exactly like that. But this has got
more protein in it.
- Okay.
- I promise, if you do exactly
as I show you,
I guarantee you an A grade.
Holy shit!
Your fancy woman's back.
Do you call that appropriate clothing?
What d'you want anyway?
Your car.
- You mean you've actually got me a...
- 150 an hour, plus VAT.
I've booked you a room at the Palace,
even organised some Champagne,
well, it is Kathleen's birthday.
She should get there round about 8.
Keys.
Is she... you know?
Extremely un-lesbian looking.
- Someone's got to collect her.
- Yeah.
And they said romance was dead.
Well, must be going.
You know what it's like,
sports kits to wash,
prostitutes to pick up.
Yes.
Drive slowly!
# But if you want to know
How I really feel #
# Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going #
# Baby you know
My love for you is real #
# Take me where you want to #
# Makes my heart just feel... #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
Oh, shit...
# How do you like your love? #
# How do you like your love? #
# But if you want to know
How I really feel #
# Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going #
Can you step out
the car please, madam?
- Yeah?
- It's me. Holly.
I've just got a call from the police.
What's going on?
Well, this belongs to you, does it?
Depends on what it's done.
Mr Philips came home
and found him asleep in his house.
- D'you know him?
- Never seen him before in my life!
You nick anything?
Only because I came home and caught him!
No harm done then, eh?
And the last thing you want is more
paperwork before you finish your shift.
- You what?
- Look I swear as soon as I get him home
I'll kick the living crap out of him.
I can't say fairer than that, can I?
Hang on a minute. You're not just
gonna let him go, are ya?
He will be cautioned,
but he didn't steal anything.
If you hadn't
left the door off the latch...
- That's not the fucking point, is it?
- Eh!
Ladies present!
Running away because
you got a D in your homework
is pretty pathetic, you know, Charlie.
If you're gonna do
a runner, do it with style.
You got a girl pregnant, for example,
or you killed someone...
Or become a woman?
Dad built that bloke's house.
Built everything around here.
Shit hole before.
Used to tell me
he built St Paul's Cathedral.
Just some poxy houses
on a poxy housing estate.
I ran away once. Brighton.
Rained like a right bastard.
Who the fuck are you?
Is that Gran?
Miss...?
Just sign here.
And, err, your lift's sat over there.
Mum.
I know.
But all my other clothes
were in the wash.
Brendan?
Ain't you got lovely teeth.
- Grandma!
- Hello, Kevin.
What's she doing here?
I'm calling her a cab.
I just, err, wanted to see
how my granchildren are coping.
We're fine. Goodbye.
- Auntie Emma's got a cock and balls!
- Penis and testicles.
Can't Grandma stay for tea?
We've got red stuff.
Tempting...
...but I really should be getting home.
I'll wait for it outside, Brendan.
Her name's Emma.
Glad to see you're all getting along
- so famously.
- Why don't you just come out
- and say it?
- No, it's nothing.
Apart from one teeny little thing.
Hardly worth mentioning really but see,
the thing is...
Thing is, I did everything for him,
baby-sat,
bought them anything they wanted,
when he needed the loan to bail out
the company, who did he come to?
And how did he repay me?
I gave birth to him.
26 hours of pure hell
and I get nothing in return!
He was the only one I cared about.
And who did he leave everything to?
Someone he hasn't talked to,
let alone seen, in five years!
This should be my fucking house!
Those are my fucking grandchildren!
And I'll be damned if I'm going
to lose it all to some fucking freak!
I'm the freak!...
I'm the freak?
This poor girl... 15 years old.
Can't even give a decent blowjob.
He's been breaking
into other people's houses.
That one almost got expelled
for distributing pornography.
Your other son asked me
to find him a dyke
and I've had to bail you out for driving
pissed without due care and attention
because you had some love eggs
shoved up your box!
We're all freaks, Mum!
Christ, I've never felt so at home!
But on the plus side,
little Kevin here
did start eating broccoli.
I am so fucked.
You think that makes you special?
# You talk too much #
# Maybe that's your way #
# Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up #
# But it doesn't sound the same #
# When no-one's really listening
We stumble #
# Into our lives #
# Reach for a hand to hold #
# Any wonder
we need to find #
# A certain something certain #
# Turn out the light
and what are you left with ? #
# Open up your hands
And find out they're empty #
# Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason #
# Just scratching around for
Something To Believe In #
- You OK?
- Yeah! Yeah.
# You have
too much #
# Spending all your time #
# Collecting and discovering #
Shit!
# And no matter how you try #
# You never find the one you want
We stumble #
# Into our lives
Without a hand to hold #
# Any wonder
We need to find #
# A certain something certain? #
# Turn out the light
And what are you left with? #
# Turn out the light
And what are you left with? #
# Open up my hands
And find out they're empty #
# Press my face to the ground
I'm gonna find a reason #
# Still scratching around for
Something To Believe In #
# Something To Believe In
Something I can Believe In #
# Something I can Believe In #
# Come on I need it
Something I can Believe In #
condolences at this saddest of times.
To lose one parent is a tragedy,
but to lose both and in such a...
unique way... Well, words cannot convey
how you three poor, unfortunate
children must be feeling.
But, how heartening for you to know that
you have such a warm, loving family around you.
So, to the real reason why we are all here today.
About time. Senile old fart.
I'm sorry?
I said... About time, senile old fart!
Oh, quite, yes.
Err... well... let me see... ah!
In the unlikely event of both our
deaths we propose the following
Until such time as our children
are of legal age to care for themselves
we'd like as their guardian...
Who?
Shit!
- What's wrong with him?
- Phone 999. Get an ambulance.
- Check his pulse.
- Who's looking after us?
Take his teeth out.
- What ?
- He might choke.
- Is he dead?
- You take 'em out!
- I think he's dead.
- Well?
- Give us a hand.
- Thank you!
- Get him on his side.
- Uncle Neil ?
- Yeah.
- Who's looking after us?
- That's a mistake.
- Brendan...
It was supposed to be me.
Uncle Brendan!
transcripts.subtitle.me.uk
Arrangements/synchro:
benji1000 & Arcueil
Delayed flight 1795 from Las
Vegas has now landed.
So is Uncle Brendan our new dad?
Yeah, well, sort of.
- He's not coming.
- Maybe he's died too.
He'll be here, OK?
Don't worry, he'll be here.
- Oh, I need a wee.
- You'll have to wait, Kevin.
- It landed ages ago.
- Maybe he's on a later flight.
I walked straight past you.
Put on a bit of weight since
last I saw you, Neil.
Don't tell me you've given up.
- Err, no, cheers.
- Mags not with you?
They're divorced.
Brendan?
Fuckin' hell!
Come on...
Wow, they did all right for
themselves here, eh?
Bar their sudden deaths, obviously.
So, what's the story with you and Maggie?
Had you down as mates for life ?
- He shagged another woman.
- Yet another woman.
Makes a change from me screwing up.
So Uncle Brendan, does this still
mean you're our new dad?
Let's talk about that later, shall we, Kev?
- Well?
- Hum.
- Is he there yet?
- Who?
Your brother!
Oh, yeah. She's, he's...
he's just got here.
I'm not coming round. He can beg
all he likes, not without an apology.
I hope he's changed for all our sakes.
I think that's a distinct possibility.
Look, Kathleen's here.
I, err, I, I've gotta go.
- Err, can I speak to my grandchildren...
- Bye.
Oh, hey, look. Japanese
love eggs. Oh, look...
Also known as 'The Satisfier'.
Just run them under the tap and put
them in the cupboard with the others.
Where is he?
I'm going to need a car.
Car?
I'll need to go to the shops,
take them to school...
- So, you, you're stopping, then?
- I am their legal guardian.
Great! Look, hem, Holly's
written everything down.
Mean sports clubs, music lessons,
dietary requirements...
- Kevin's seeing a shrink?
- No, behavioural therapist.
School thinks you're a little different
and suddenly you're a...
...freak.
- How long have you been like this?
- Nice segue, Neil.
Started the procedure 18 months ago.
Look, 'cause they look, I mean...
- They feel almost...
- Hormone therapy.
- What, so you mean they're actually...
- All me.
Shit.
- What is it now, then? Brenda?
- Emma.
- Right. 'course.
- And no.
I'm not, you'll be relieved to know.
- What?
- Gay.
So you're not...?
Unless, of course,
I start fancying other women?
Right so, so you do fancy men?
I'm kind of sitting on the
fence on that one.
Look bollocks, Brendan...
I don't mean...
I'm sure you have changed, yeah?
Clearly. But these are Ben's
kids we're talking about.
And he wants 'em to live with a relative
they haven't clapped eyes on in years.
She's outside.
Girlfriend?
The other woman?
Kathleen, the wicked witch
of Wythenshawe.
A younger Maggie with bigger tits.
You can ask me one question.
- D'you like cheese?
- No! For fuck's sake, Kevin.
- Do you have a cock?
- Yes.
It's Wednesday. We usually have
pasta on a Wednesday. Tomato.
- 'cause Kevin only eats red things.
- Red things?
Tomatoes, strawberries,
but mostly tomatoes.
My therapist says it's a phase.
And I'm a vegan. You know
what a vegan is, right?
Sure. Doctor Spock.
Funny ears.
No meat. No dairy.
Anything else I should know?
Homework. Tomorrow.
Well... Coming or what?
The question you should
have asked me was
'Why the fuck weren't you at
our Mum and Dad's funeral?'
Good point, Charlie, well made.
I wanted to be there. I did.
But then it wouldn't have
been about them any more...
it would have been about these...
I had my own funeral.
What am I doing with their clothes?
Glad you asked me that, our Kev.
One, practicality, I need some
place to put my stuff.
Two, hard as it is, time we all started
confronting what's happened.
We can either take this lot down the
Sally and let some ginger-arced twat
waltz around
in your dad's favourite shirt,
or...
we can say goodbye to it properly.
D'you think they miss us?
Who?
Mum and Dad!
I would if I were dead.
I bet it's well boring.
- What?
- Heaven.
No such thing.
So what happens to ya, then?
You become worm food.
She's only messing with you, Kev.
'Course there's a heaven.
Can't believe you never suspected
anything when you were growing up.
Your brother.
Love to have seen your mother's
face when you dropped that one.
You haven't told her.
I will.
She's... she's been through a lot lately, yeah?
Suppose we could always contest the will?
- Why?
- I don't know...
insist they move in with us?
Why?
Instant family.
Saves me messing up me figure.
No! The house isn't big enough.
Move into theirs.
Haven't they got a whirlpool
thingy in their ensuite?
Of course.
It might cramp our style a bit.
No spontaneous sex in the kitchen.
- For example.
- Exactly!
No early-morning "French breakfasts"...
Remember you said you wanted to get me
something really special for my birthday?
- Neil?
- Yeah, really special.
Well, I've thought of something.
Can't believe you never suspected
anything when you were growing up!
You're talking out your arse, Brendan!
No way the Bionic Woman could
beat the Six Million Dollar Man.
It's two years later,
technology's improved!
Stands to reason she'd be better!
And she's got a bionic ear!
Yeah, but the Six Million Dollar
Man's got a bionic eye!
It's a scientific fact that you hear
things before you see them!
- Did you hear that?
- No!
Neil... I want a lesbian experience!
O... Okay.
Really?
You are the best!
Are you sure she's asleep?
Jet lag.
I'm not really sure about this, Holly.
So what's she like?
Do we have to talk about this now?
What was that?
- What?
- Maybe she's up.
- It was nothing.
- No harm in checking though, eh?
It was nothing. Relax.
- Ow.
- Sorry...
- Shouldn't... shouldn't it be...
- What?
Harder.
- It's me, isn't it?
- No.
No, I really like you, Hol.
It's, it's just...
You feeling thirsty?
Who are you? And what the fuck
are you doing here?
Ryan.
Holly's boyfriend.
Where is she?
Upstairs.
You must be Holly's Auntie.
Yeah.
Emma.
Well... goodnight, Ryan.
Yeah.
Oh. You take drugs, Ryan?
Draw?
Skank?
Weed?
No. Jesus. I'd never...
'Cause I've a feeling I'm gonna need
a lot of it if I'm living here.
Well, I might know someone,
who knows someone...
Sixty.
That should easily cover it.
Finally!
Where's the juice?
Your aunt finished it.
She's well hot.
It's Mister Spock.
Doctor Spock wrote baby books.
Common misconception.
I'm hungry.
Right, try this one.
He won't eat that.
Aunt Emma?
We thought you'd prefer if
we told that you are our aunt.
How very thoughtful.
- I'm off.
- Have a good day.
And no kissing behind the bike sheds.
Is this some kind of mind game thing?
Sorry?
Well, if you're going to punish me,
I'd rather you just did it.
Ryan.
The naked boyfriend.
Jesus!
Homework?
Hi, Kevin. Hey, Charlie!
I'm Hellen, with an "e".
Used to be Helen but Brian, husband,
kept shortening it to Hell.
- Number 6.
- Ryan's mum.
- House with the maroon door.
Though I've been begging Brian, husband,
to repaint it since the day we moved in.
But, hey, y'know what fellas are like!
Yes. We know what fellas are like, don't we, Hol?
Laters.
Shame their uncle couldn't make it.
You boys ready?
Car pool. All the mummies take a turn.
I'll give you the rota when we
bob round for coffee later.
Well, you can't be too careful.
There's already a paedo moved
in to Albion Avenue.
Coffee?
Today's Thursday.
Don't worry, I've told them not to
descend on you 'till 10.
That should give you enough time
to tidy up and put some lippy on.
Richard and Judy's latest.
We'll be discussing this on Monday.
Confidentially, I think it's a
pretentious pile of s-h-one-t.
Love, light and peace!
Shush now kids, seatbelts.
Everybody ready?
All my mates have had one, even Fiona.
I'm beginning to think
I'm some kind of leper!
You want to be a lesbian?
Not as a going concern.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased?
Every man's fantasy, isn't it?
- Two women going at in the same room?
- Oh, I am. Obviously, well,
I guess l was just thinking more along
the lines of a necklace or something.
Ah. You feel threatened?
No.
That is so sweet!
But you shouldn't, you know.
Think of it as a compliment.
- Compliment?
- I trust you enough
to want to share
my innermost fantasies, Neil.
- What is he?
- A pig.
School Nativity.
- It's September.
- And not even THE pig,
he's the third pig!
- Mummy, can I have some sweets?
- Yes, you can.
These are the last ones, OK?
- One for you and one for you.
- Thank you.
I wrap up bits of carrot.
They think they're chocolates.
So Emma, I wasn't aware
Rebecca or Ben had a sister.
They don't.
And will your husband
be joining you any time soon?
No.
We're separating.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm his guardian.
I'll be right over.
Nothing too terrible I hope, Emma?
Kevin's headmaster.
He's been caught
distributing porn around the school.
I don't suppose anyone
could offer me a lift?
Brendan, Brendan, Brendan...
Emma?
Right everybody, look at me. Smile!
Smile. Brendan, stop pouting.
- Oh, you big girl. You poof. Bum boy!
- Shut up, you lot.
Mrs Winslow?
Please.
I'll, err, pray for him.
It's, err...
a penis.
It's been so long since I last saw one.
Did he tell you where he got it from?
No. But, well, it doesn't take a genius
to figure that one out.
- The internet.
- Of course.
Damn thing.
- Damn it indeed, Mrs Winslow.
- Miss.
AKA Emma.
If you're feeling particularly bold.
That's a very nice err...
Kevin...
I'm sorry. If this was
an isolated incident...
- He's been caught selling porn before?
- Not that we know of.
But you are aware of
last month's incident?
Yes, of course.
Then you don't need me to tell you what
a major disruptive influence he's been.
You're aware of his family situation?
Oh, more than, and it is indeed
extremely sad but,
I have to think
about the rest of the children.
The majority needs
as opposed to the individual?
Quite.
Which leaves me no option but to...
and I say this
with the heaviest of hearts...
- ...exclude him.
- What?
He's seven years old!
I appreciate your concern...
Fuck concern! What am I going to do
with him all day?
- Excuse me?
- Two words : Bargain Hunt.
I don't want a 7-years-old
snapping around my ankles
- while I'm watching TV.
- Quite.
Is there no way I can make you reconsider?
I'm extremely sorry.
Let me ask you that question again...
Graham.
Is there no way I can make you
reconsider...Graham?
Or maybe you'd like to give me
your answer over a drink tonight?
Bollocks!
What the fuck are you doing here?
I got your message.
Yeah, all right, lads!
Just back to work, yeah?
- I said I'd see you at the house.
- Can't. Hot date.
Besides, I need the money.
House keeping.
Christ! Will you look at yourself!
Never had you down as a prude, Neil.
- I'm not.
- So, where's my desk going?
I do own a percentage
of the business now. Technically.
Kidding! Think of my nails.
- So what's the big problem?
- No...problem...
...exactly. Err, just thought I'd check
in, you know, see how it's going.
- Is it going?
- Nothing I can't handle.
- Well, if there's nothing else...
- Yeah, also...
I need... I need your advice.
Bye.
Off for me lunch.
- Want anything?
- Err, no.
Mary?
You're all alone, right?
- Must be hard being so lonely.
- Has its moments.
If you'd like, I mean I am extremely
busy, as you can imagine,
but you're quite welcome to come over
for a sherry one night.
- Oh, lovely.
- Great.
Not tonight, by the way.
Pilates. Saturday crown green.
Obviously, can't do Sunday.
- God?
- Oh, no, paintballing.
Residents VS Careworkers.
- Why don't you get back to me?
- Are you sure about that butty?
Oh, I'm fine.
And you thought because I'm a freak, I'd
know where to get hold of other freaks?
I'm out of my comfort zone here, OK?
I don't know about this stuff.
If you don't want to do it, tell her.
It's not that I don't want to do it,
per se. I love her, you know?
- I just want to make her happy.
- And if you can't find her
a rug muncher, you're scared she's going
to run off with some guy who will?
OK. Fuck off.
God what was I even thinking
asking of my own brother for...
- Sister.
- Whatever.
I want your car.
Well, I want...
- No, no.
- No car, no lesbian.
- No.
- Fine...
- Okay.
- Okay?
So, is mother still working
in that charity shop?
Nicking all the best stuff and fobbing
the rest off as designer gear?
Nothing ever changes round here.
Brendan?
Emma...
Could you make her, well...not too
lesbian-ish, if you know what I mean?
Quite like to have some fun myself.
Bye, guys.
- Shit! What?
- I've been giving it a lot of thought,
and I really think you should
dump Ryan, darling.
- What?
- Sleep with him by all means.
You're far too young to be
in a serious relationship.
Your grandfather and I
hardly ever did it.
But now he's buggered off, I can't stop
thinking about it. How strange.
You're 15, you should be
enjoying yourself.
Gran...
- Give Brendan a message.
- Oh, God.
He needs to apologize
after all the grief he's caused.
Tell him to call me
at the shop this afternoon.
Not tonight though, eh? Pilates.
I really do have to go.
I'll tell you what, why don't I book you
an appointment at the family planning?
Get a coil fitted or something.
It's been ages since we did
something fun together!
I don't want an appointment
at the family fucking planning!
- You all right?
- Yeah...
How are we doing in there?
Oh, you look divine!
Of course you're lucky.
You've got the figure for it.
Turn round.
It's a tad expensive.
Genuine Armani is, dear.
Still a hell of a lot cheaper
than the high street.
There, that's better.
You really think... I look okay?
You look stunning, dear.
Oh, I've got just the thing, wait there!
Came in yesterday,
just suit a woman like you, not that
there's many of us left around here.
More wogs than wags,
if you know what I mean...
Some people!
'Hope you're gonna like it.
3,2,1, surprise! Yeah!
- Everybody ready?
- Yes.
Blow 'em out.
You hungry?
You have no new messages.
Okay. Just do it.
- Do it?
- Ground me, hit me, whatever,
just get it over and done with.
This about that whole
boyfriend thing again?
Ryan wasn't it? Unless of course
you're onto someone else by now.
Was over 20 hours ago after all.
You're supposed to care
about my well-being.
- Wrong.
- What?
I'm your guardian, not your nursemaid.
You shit yourself, you clean it up!
That's not fair!
We don't know each other.
Haven't spoken since you were 10.
You want that sort of commitment,
you gotta earn it. If you want to behave
like a slapper then, hey,
who am I to stand in your way?
D! I got a D!
English never was my strong suit.
Geography on the other hand...
Why didn't you tell me
you were shite at English?
You didn't ask me.
No, you just assumed that.
A, because we're related
I'd be delighted to cheat
for you, and B,
that I know all there is to know
about creative writing which,
- as you can see... I clearly do not.
- I hate you.
Well you better get used to that feeling
kiddo, 'cause I'm all you've got.
- Fucking weirdo!
- Fucking weirdo?
Years of education and that's the best
you can come up with?
- Fucking, mentalfreak!
- Better.
Up-hill gardening, shit-stabbing freakoid!
C-plus. But still no cigar. Come on,
Charlie, you can do better that.
Cock-loving, bum-baiting, shirt-lifting,
sperm-guzzling cunt!
Inaccurate.
But if you'd applied that level
of creativity to your homework,
then maybe you
wouldn't have got a D, eh?
Right then Kevin, 'looks like it's just
you and me for dinner, there you go.
One plate of red stuff.
Sorry. Sounds silly but I feel like
I already know you. Sorry.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna go
and... freshen up.
- Graham?
- I was thinking, maybe,
- we should cut to the chase?
- There's a chase?
No point blowing a fortune
on a three course meal
if we both know
what we're really here for.
Not that I wouldn't buy you
a three course meal...
You're right.
I am ?
God, I love it when a man
knows what he wants!
- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.
Makes me wet just thinking about it.
Wet?
It's like Niagara Falls down there.
Oh, you like to play rough.
Tell you what else I like?
Watching.
Well?
- It's a bit cold in here.
- Maybe this will help?
Shit me!
Ready when you are, headmaster.
- Leave it!
- Might be the kids.
Don't worry, I'm a woman,
I can multi-task!
- Hello?
- Brendan?
It's Deborah, Brendan. Mother.
- You OK?
- Well, as good as can be expected
considering I've lost both my husband
and eldest son in the same year.
You sound strange...
In the car, hands free.
I was just calling to see
how my grandchildren are.
As I'm assuming
you're in no rush to call me.
They're fine.
Everything's all in hand.
Actually, there was something
I wanted to run by you.
Hardly worth mentioning in fact.
It's about that...
whole 'business' before you left.
I may have exaggerated it
all slightly. You see...
I may have said you stole more of
my money than you actually did...
I forget the exact details.
Show me...
Go on, go on, go on...
Yeah. Yeah!
Oh... Fu...
Brendan?
Sorry Mum, tunnel. Lost you there,
what were you saying?
Mom?
- Oh, sorry...
- Away from me!
That's not very
gentlemanly of you, Graham.
You're not staying to finish me off?
Don't worry.
I won't tell your wife...
if you get your kicks pleasuring
yourself over chicks with dicks.
- Probably.
- He won't be excluded, alright?
There, you got what you wanted,
- now fuck off!
- Is that all you think all this is
really about? Little Kev's future?
You don't recognise me, do you?
'Course, no reason why you should.
Over 20 years ago now.
And my hair was a lot shorter then.
What was it you used to collect?
Oh, yeah, old pickle jars, wasn't it?
Which you'd fart in and then seal back up.
And if I didn't do exactly what you and
my idiot brothers said,
you'd let them off in my face.
Brendan?
My life was hell enough already
thank you very much.
'Cause I wasn't like you
and your rugger-bugger mates.
I was a bit different.
Let's do it again sometime.
Pst! Fancy a smoke?
- This your shag pad then?
- No!
Just assumed...
It's not as though you can dip your wick
at home with Mary and Joseph around.
Funny!
Joking aren't you?
That hippy shit rots your brain.
She thinks...
you don't like them. You know, Holly.
Always said she'd go far that one.
So why d'you come back
and look after them?
They're my family.
Bible class finished early.
Ryan?
- How much d'you make?
- 20.
Laters.
I'd like to talk.
Samaritans love to chat.
You're wrong, you know?
I'm not a slapper.
I don't know whether
you've noticed but...
I'm kind of going through
a difficult time at the minute.
I just wanted someone...anyone...
to touch.
I just wanted to feel wanted.
You know that feeling...
Holly, honey, I know you want to blame
everything on your parents
being dead, but honestly...
this isn't about anyone dying.
You just want to get your end away.
Goodnight.
You know what the chances are
of being hit by a lump of frozen urine
falling from an aeroplane's toilet?
It's like a zillion to one or something.
Nobody knows me as Holly any more.
I'm just the girl whose parents
were killed by a lump of frozen piss.
They're dead and they're
still embarrassing me!
If only they'd shut that sun roof.
You're lucky.
My mum's still alive.
She's going to be so pissed off
when she finds out.
So you don't like talking
about the past then, eh?
How exactly would one go
about getting one's end away?
Hypothetically speaking of course.
- You don't know how to?
- Of course I know how to.
I just don't...
Well, it's one thing knowing all the
theory but when it comes to...
Hands on experience?
I'm an A student.
I'm good at everything. Ask anyone.
I want my first time to be the best.
You used to be a man...
you must know what they like.
Lesson 1.
Choose your weapon.
You must have a fanny like a bucket.
Right, so, now what I am about to
show you is strictly between us, yeah?
A family secret, passed down
from generation to generation.
What, like the recipe for Coca-Cola?
Exactly like that. But this has got
more protein in it.
- Okay.
- I promise, if you do exactly
as I show you,
I guarantee you an A grade.
Holy shit!
Your fancy woman's back.
Do you call that appropriate clothing?
What d'you want anyway?
Your car.
- You mean you've actually got me a...
- 150 an hour, plus VAT.
I've booked you a room at the Palace,
even organised some Champagne,
well, it is Kathleen's birthday.
She should get there round about 8.
Keys.
Is she... you know?
Extremely un-lesbian looking.
- Someone's got to collect her.
- Yeah.
And they said romance was dead.
Well, must be going.
You know what it's like,
sports kits to wash,
prostitutes to pick up.
Yes.
Drive slowly!
# But if you want to know
How I really feel #
# Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going #
# Baby you know
My love for you is real #
# Take me where you want to #
# Makes my heart just feel... #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
# More, more, more How do you like it?
How do you like it? #
Oh, shit...
# How do you like your love? #
# How do you like your love? #
# But if you want to know
How I really feel #
# Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going #
Can you step out
the car please, madam?
- Yeah?
- It's me. Holly.
I've just got a call from the police.
What's going on?
Well, this belongs to you, does it?
Depends on what it's done.
Mr Philips came home
and found him asleep in his house.
- D'you know him?
- Never seen him before in my life!
You nick anything?
Only because I came home and caught him!
No harm done then, eh?
And the last thing you want is more
paperwork before you finish your shift.
- You what?
- Look I swear as soon as I get him home
I'll kick the living crap out of him.
I can't say fairer than that, can I?
Hang on a minute. You're not just
gonna let him go, are ya?
He will be cautioned,
but he didn't steal anything.
If you hadn't
left the door off the latch...
- That's not the fucking point, is it?
- Eh!
Ladies present!
Running away because
you got a D in your homework
is pretty pathetic, you know, Charlie.
If you're gonna do
a runner, do it with style.
You got a girl pregnant, for example,
or you killed someone...
Or become a woman?
Dad built that bloke's house.
Built everything around here.
Shit hole before.
Used to tell me
he built St Paul's Cathedral.
Just some poxy houses
on a poxy housing estate.
I ran away once. Brighton.
Rained like a right bastard.
Who the fuck are you?
Is that Gran?
Miss...?
Just sign here.
And, err, your lift's sat over there.
Mum.
I know.
But all my other clothes
were in the wash.
Brendan?
Ain't you got lovely teeth.
- Grandma!
- Hello, Kevin.
What's she doing here?
I'm calling her a cab.
I just, err, wanted to see
how my granchildren are coping.
We're fine. Goodbye.
- Auntie Emma's got a cock and balls!
- Penis and testicles.
Can't Grandma stay for tea?
We've got red stuff.
Tempting...
...but I really should be getting home.
I'll wait for it outside, Brendan.
Her name's Emma.
Glad to see you're all getting along
- so famously.
- Why don't you just come out
- and say it?
- No, it's nothing.
Apart from one teeny little thing.
Hardly worth mentioning really but see,
the thing is...
Thing is, I did everything for him,
baby-sat,
bought them anything they wanted,
when he needed the loan to bail out
the company, who did he come to?
And how did he repay me?
I gave birth to him.
26 hours of pure hell
and I get nothing in return!
He was the only one I cared about.
And who did he leave everything to?
Someone he hasn't talked to,
let alone seen, in five years!
This should be my fucking house!
Those are my fucking grandchildren!
And I'll be damned if I'm going
to lose it all to some fucking freak!
I'm the freak!...
I'm the freak?
This poor girl... 15 years old.
Can't even give a decent blowjob.
He's been breaking
into other people's houses.
That one almost got expelled
for distributing pornography.
Your other son asked me
to find him a dyke
and I've had to bail you out for driving
pissed without due care and attention
because you had some love eggs
shoved up your box!
We're all freaks, Mum!
Christ, I've never felt so at home!
But on the plus side,
little Kevin here
did start eating broccoli.
I am so fucked.
You think that makes you special?
# You talk too much #
# Maybe that's your way #
# Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up #
# But it doesn't sound the same #
# When no-one's really listening
We stumble #
# Into our lives #
# Reach for a hand to hold #
# Any wonder
we need to find #
# A certain something certain #
# Turn out the light
and what are you left with ? #
# Open up your hands
And find out they're empty #
# Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason #
# Just scratching around for
Something To Believe In #
- You OK?
- Yeah! Yeah.
# You have
too much #
# Spending all your time #
# Collecting and discovering #
Shit!
# And no matter how you try #
# You never find the one you want
We stumble #
# Into our lives
Without a hand to hold #
# Any wonder
We need to find #
# A certain something certain? #
# Turn out the light
And what are you left with? #
# Turn out the light
And what are you left with? #
# Open up my hands
And find out they're empty #
# Press my face to the ground
I'm gonna find a reason #
# Still scratching around for
Something To Believe In #
# Something To Believe In
Something I can Believe In #
# Something I can Believe In #
# Come on I need it
Something I can Believe In #