My Favorite Wife (1940) Movie Script

No, but you've had
one postponement already.
All right.
All right.
The case is postponed till next Thursday.
- Now, that'll be the 26th.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Be here.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
Are the parties ready
in the matter of Ellen Arden?
Yes, here.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- It'll be very kind of you...
- Just a moment.
- Wasn't I supposed to marry somebody?
- Why, yes. Yes, Your Honor.
Well, let's get it over with.
This can wait.
This is a very complicated case,
this Arden matter.
- Yes, but, Your Honor...
- Yes, it's very complicated.
- If Your Honor please...
- Your Honor.
Wait a minute. What?
- Says what?
- She's dead.
What's that?
Who's dead?
Oh, that's sad. That's very sad.
If Your Honor please...
- You're Arden?
- Yes.
That's what I thought.
Well, Mr. Arden, as I understand it,
your wife, Ellen Wagstaff Arden...
...was a member of
an anthropological expedition...
- ...shipwrecked off the coast of lndochina.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Now, what was she doing on an expedition?
Mother of two infant children.
You'll find the circumstances in my brief.
"Said Ellen Wagstaff Arden was engaged as
a photographer for a three-month period."
You see, in the first place,
we were gonna take the trip together...
...but I got involved in a case and couldn't
leave. We talked it over, and she decided... travel alone. She needed a change.
- Tough time with the children, teething...
- Just the facts. Never mind teething.
- Yes.
- You're a lawyer. Stick to the facts.
Yes, Your Honor.
They're in my brief, sir.
- Well, let me read it. Stop interrupting.
- Yes, Your Honor.
When did you say the ship went down?
Page seven, in September the 3rd, 1 932.
It's page seven, here.
Never mind, never mind. I'll find it.
- No, sir. Page seven. This is page four.
- I know it's four. I know that.
Oh, here it is. Page seven.
"Last seen entering
one of the lifeboats when..."
I can't see. "When a wave..."
Oh, that's very sad. Very sad.
What the...? Hey. Young woman.
What do you think you're doing?
Put that confounded mirror away.
- Do you want to blind me?
- I'm very sorry.
Ought to wash her face instead of paint it.
You know there's such a thing
as contempt of court, don't you?
Don't let me get after you.
- Now, where was I?
- Page seven, the shipwreck.
What efforts did you make
to trace your wife?
Page eight. I went to Bangkok
and interviewed all available survivors...
...who agreed that
Ellen Wagstaff Arden had been...
"Swept overboard before aid
could reach her. Deposition..."
- Yes, but I can explain...
- There's nothing to explain.
Nothing to explain at all.
Testimony's here. Sworn affidavits.
No evidence to the contrary.
The law is clear.
I hereby pronounce Ellen Wagstaff Arden
legally dead.
Wasn't I supposed to marry somebody?
- Yes, sir. Us.
- What? What's that?
- Are you gonna get married again?
- Yes, Your Honor.
Are you sure you've had time
to think it over?
- Your honor, Mr. Arden is over 21 .
- Not now, Bianca.
All right. Hold hands.
"We're here in the presence of witnesses
to join in matrimony this man and woman...
...according to the powers vested in me
by the laws of the state..."
- Is this it?
- Yeah.
Thanks for the lift.
- What are you crying about, sister?
- This is my house. I live here.
- So what? ls that bad?
- No.
- Watch me do a swan dive!
- I can do it better than you!
- Watch me this time!
- You're not supposed to run.
Last one in is a jerk
on this Greenline Express!
- Watch me.
- I don't wanna go in.
Boy, it's like an iceberg in here.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello there.
- Hello.
Are you a lady or a man?
- Well, I used to be a lady.
- Are you a sailor?
- A lady sailor?
- Well...
My mother was like a sailor.
She went down at sea.
- Oh, he's always boasting.
- I am not boasting.
My mother drowned in the Pacific Ocean.
We're not supposed to know.
- Do you miss her very much?
- Oh, sure.
- Would you like to have her back?
- Can't have her back. She's drowned.
I'm a human fly.
We put flowers on her grave
every Easter with Daddy.
- You do?
- Then Daddy buys us burgers and root beer.
- Do you mind those braces very much?
- Yes, I do.
Daddy says he doesn't want her
to grow up and look like a moose.
What a thing to say.
Well, hello.
- Come here, Corky.
- Oh, how are you?
- Corky, get away from there.
- He never acts that way with strangers.
My, you've gotten fat.
Sure, he's fat. He's old.
He's as old as me.
Corky, do as I tell you.
Is your grandmother in?
I forgot. We're not allowed
to talk to strangers.
- Is your grandmother in?
- Pardon me. We can't talk to strangers.
Come here, Corky. Come on.
Come on, Corky. Come on.
Come on. Attaboy! the exchange department.
I've already phoned them.
They know all about it.
You'll find the package in my room.
I want you to get flowers for the bedrooms.
- Any particular kind, Ma?
- I think she likes tea roses.
- Yes, Ma.
- That's all.
- Yes? What is it?
- Hello, darling.
Good heavens. Ellen!
Now, now. Now, take it easy.
Here, take some of this.
Come on. It'll do you good.
- You all right, Ma?
- I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.
- Bless your heart.
- After all these years, it just isn't possible.
- Oh, is it really you, Ellen?
- Of course it is.
- How's Nicky?
- Nicky?
Yes. Your son, my husband.
He's all right, isn't he?
- Oh, yes. Nicky's fine. Fine.
- Oh, good.
Ellen, where have you been?
Latitude 12, longitude 128.
I'd still be there if a Portuguese freighter
hadn't wandered 200 miles off-course.
It was a very small freighter. Very dirty.
- Mother?
- Yes?
- May I have a bath?
- Of course, dear.
Right now.
- I'm sorry I gave you such a fright.
- Oh, it was nothing.
Oh, that's new, isn't it?
Oh, I like that.
I'm so confused,
I don't know where to begin.
- Oh, by the way, how was my funeral?
- Lovely.
- Dr. Blake preached a wonderful sermon.
- Oh, I wish I'd been there.
Oh, this was wonderful.
First hot bath in years.
- Tell me about Nicky. Handsome as ever?
- I think so.
- Prosperous?
- Oh, yes.
Where is he now, still at the office?
Ellen, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Nick's married again.
He is?
- Is she nice?
- No.
Do I know her? Nancy Beal, I'll bet.
She always had her eye...
No. He met this one on the boat,
when he went to look for you.
On the b...
That's one thing I never thought of...
...Nick's marrying again.
- Just how long did he wait?
- Well, he got married this morning.
- This morning?
- Went off to Yosemite for the honeymoon.
Don't say they're at the same hotel we...
Well, Nick had some business
in San Francisco.
What are you going to do?
- Have you got anything I can wear?
- I saved a few of your old things.
- Good. Think we can find something nice?
- I think so. Maybe a little long, but...
Oh, I wonder, do planes fly to Yosemite?
- Yes. What are you going to do?
- I don't know, but I hope I'm not too late.
- Is Mr. Arden here?
- Yes, madam?
- Mr. Nicholas Arden?
- No, Mr. Arden hasn't arrived yet.
- Are you the bride, by any chance?
- No.
No, not exactly.
I'll just wait.
- My name is Arden.
- Oh, yes, Mr. Arden. Sorry.
I believe that...
Oh, nothing. Suite A.
- Suite A?
- It's our best.
- I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
- I beg your pardon?
Have you anything else?
Suite C.
I couldn't take that suite A because...
Because I've been here before.
Sorry to keep you waiting, dear.
Funny. I thought I...
Silly, silly.
Exciting, isn't it?
- I'll take this, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
Anything else, sir?
- No, no. Here.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, darling.
- Yes?
- Waiter.
Why, Nicky. How nice.
- Shall I open it, sir?
- By all means.
I didn't order wine.
Must be a mistake.
No mistake, sir.
With the compliments of an old friend.
It's Mumm, 1921.
- I've gotta go down.
- What on earth for?
I've got to find out...
- ...if I can get some change.
- I have loads of change.
Thank you, madam.
- Be right back.
- What?
- No matches. See? No matches.
- Be careful, Nicky, darling.
There's plenty of matches. Look at that.
Plenty of matches.
- I was expecting a call...
- Hello?
Did you ring here? Thank you.
I was expecting a call.
- Is something the matter?
- No, no.
Wait a minute, I have a surprise for you.
- Like?
- Fine, fine.
- Try it on. I've one just like it. They match.
- That's quite an idea.
- Know what I need?
- What?
- A shave.
- What?
- I'll go to the barber.
- You don't need a shave.
- Your skin's smooth as a baby's.
- I feel like an ape.
- I don't mind.
- Well, I don't feel right unless I shave.
You could shave yourself. I'd love to watch.
Remember Victoria always watched Albert?
- Albert who?
- Prince Albert and Queen Victoria, silly.
Oh, well, he didn't hack himself to pieces
the way I do.
- I'll go to the barber's.
- Don't be long.
Right back.
That's all I wanted to know.
Excuse me, folks.
There's a state law that don't allow
necking in barrooms.
Oh, yes.
- Look, let's go somewhere we can talk.
- Where?
- Well, let's go to your room.
- Haven't got a room.
Oh, well, I'll get you one, huh?
- Yes?
- I'd like to have another room.
Why, certainly, sir.
Yeah. Thank you very much.
- Is suite A available?
- Suite A?
- Yeah.
- Yes, suite A.
Front, suite A.
Have you any luggage, Miss...?
Oh, yes. I have a ticket right here,
if you will just send for it.
- It's at the airport.
- Airport.
- Thank you.
- Very much.
What a man.
Hello, operator.
Will you please page Mr. Arden?
Calling Mr. Arden.
Calling Mr. Arden.
Calling Mr. Arden.
Yes? Yes.
Mr. Arden?
Yes, he's here. It's for you.
Guess who.
- Hello?
- Mr. Arden, if you're free...
...Mrs. Arden would like to see you.
Now, look here, my good...
All right.
What's the matter, Nick?
Bride wondering where you are?
You'll have to face it, you know.
Yes, I know.
- What am I gonna say?
- That depends on what you feel.
- I wanna do the right thing by everybody.
- All right. Go ahead.
Not as easy as all that.
You see, Bianca's very sensitive.
She's high-strung.
- Oh, one of those.
- This is gonna be a horrible shock.
Think of her position.
How will she face her family, her friends?
Are you in love with her?
You must have told her you were.
- Didn't you?
- Well...
- Sure, you did.
- All right. Sure, I did.
- How could you?
- Well, I thought you... I didn't know.
- The minute my back was turned.
- Minute?
Oh, Nick. Look at you.
Now, don't kid, honey. It's too serious.
No, no. I'll get it.
It's for me. It's for me.
- Hello?
- Mr. Arden.
We don't like to interfere with
our guests' privacy.
They mind their own business,
and we mind ours.
But your wife, Mr. Arden,
is calling for you again.
Well, tell my wife I'll be right up.
I'm still being shaved.
You know, I've got a feeling
you're enjoying my misery.
Did you think she'd be a good mother?
- Was that why you were attracted to her?
- That's it.
- She'd be good for the kids.
- Of course.
Of course. I can understand that.
- Oh, you don't believe me, huh?
- I didn't say that. I'm just facing facts.
You love this woman enough
to ask her to be your wife...
...and the mother of my children.
That takes a lot of love.
You sure you don't love her?
When I saw you downstairs, I knew...
Oh, go on. I bet you say that
to all your wives.
- I could strangle you.
- Hey, that's a way out.
Well, I just can't barge in and say,
"Sorry, my mistake. Marriage is off." Can I?
What am I, a dope?
- Look.
- What?
Let's try something like this.
I'll be... What was that name?
- Bianca.
- Bianca.
All right, I'm Bianca.
Now, you come in.
Come on, come in.
- You. Come in.
- All right, I'm in.
Yeah. Now, say something.
- Hello, Bianca.
- Oh, that's good.
Now, she'll say, "Hello, darling.
- Really, you've been a terribly long time."
- She doesn't talk like that.
What's the difference? And then she'll say,
"Darling, aren't you going to kiss me?"
Well, come on. Come on.
- This is silly.
- Well, do it. Do it. Do it anyway.
- Come on. Do it.
- All right.
Do it. No, I mean,
do it from the beginning.
Go out and come in again.
If you're gonna do it right, you may as well.
- I'll play if it'll make you happy.
- Now, you're in.
- I'm in again.
- And I say, "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
All right. I'm just gonna kiss.
Was that for Bianca?
Madam's luggage.
- Could I see you a moment?
- Sure.
Excuse me, dear.
We run a first-class hotel, Mr. Arden.
And we don't like to be made
a party to an intrigue.
We've maintained a reputation
for respectability for 33 years.
And we don't intend to lose it in one night.
My reputation for respectability
is just as high as your hotel's.
And don't forget mine.
It's a very simple situation, mister.
Explain it to him, Nick.
All right, I will.
Now, I came up here with my wife...
My bride, really.
Now, my wife...
Not my bride, my wife...
- Why should I bore you with the details?
- I won't be bored.
Listen. Now, it's as simple as ABC.
Don't tell me you've got somebody in B.
- You better go, Nick.
- If you please.
- I'll be back.
- I'm afraid not, Mr. Arden.
- Now...
- Goodbye, Nick.
- Locked.
- I have a passkey.
Passkey, huh?
People think of everything, huh? Passkey.
- No hard feelings?
- No, no, no.
Nick, is that you?
I'll be right out, darling.
You remember when we first arrived?
And I got in the elevator, and the door
was closing like that? Well, that's when...
Well, that's when I first noticed it, Bianca.
Now, Bianca, this is the situation.
Now, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Oh, that's no good.
Start all over again.
Now, Bianca...
Now, Bianca, this is the situation.
Something's come up. My wife. Yeah.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
This is the situation.
Something's come up. My wife.
There are children to consider.
Mother love and all that.
Even a tiger fights for its young.
Yeah, that's good.
There's something between
two married people... don't get between
two unmarried people, Bianca.
Now, be big. Be brave.
You will, Bianca? Fine.
Can I use your phone?
Hello? Give me Mrs. Arden
in suite C, please.
Something's come up. My wife.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
- Mrs. Arden? There's a call for you.
- For me?
Yes, ma'am. This way, please.
Something's come up. My wife.
Truth is strange to the fiction.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Stranger than fiction.
This is the situation.
Something's come up. My wife...
- Hello?
- Oh, hello? Hello? Bianca.
This is the situation. This hurts me more
than you. No. Something's come up.
- Why don't you come up?
- No. I mean, I can't.
- Why not?
- Well, I'm... I'm in Carmel.
- Carmel?
- Yes, I'm flying.
That client of mine in San Francisco,
I should have told you...
...but he said to come quickly.
Life or death.
- You might have told me before you left.
- I can't hear you. I...
- I'm not staying here alone.
- See, propellers. Propellers.
You come back here.
You tell your client he'll have to wait.
Propellers, see? Propellers, see?
Take the first plane back!
What? No. I've gotta run.
Gotta run, gotta run.
We're taking off. I've gotta run.
I've gotta run. Goodbye!
- Oh, boy, we went to the planetarium.
- Look what I got. We had candy.
That's wonderful. Run along upstairs.
Tell me about it later.
- We went to the zoo too.
- Did you?
I'm exhausted.
Well, did you tell them who you are?
No. I came pretty close to it
once or twice.
Oh, Ellen.
Well, you can't expect me to play a tender
scene in front of the elephants, can you?
- Did you hear from Nick?
- No. Not a word. It's funny.
Not to me.
Suppose he's having trouble telling her?
Well, he's had a night and a day.
That ought to be long enough.
Yes, that's just it. It's too long.
Don't you think you owe me
an explanation?
Yes, I do.
When we get home.
...his father's cherry tree
And when his father came to see
He stood up straight and tall like me
He told the truth about that tree
He was no coward, oh, no, not he
- That's great. Where'd you learn that one?
- Oh, around.
Did you know any pieces
when you were little?
Yes, I used to know a few. Let's see.
Oh, here's one.
In old Kentuck, where I was born
There ain't no Yanks and there ain't no corn
But the gals and the horses can't be beat
To live down South is sure a treat
How come you talk like that?
- Y'all never heard anybody talk like that?
- No. Did it take long to learn it?
No. Everybody talks like that
down where I come from.
Even your mother.
She did?
- Before she drowned?
- Of course. Nobody talks after they drown.
Sometimes they do.
Well, I mean, they're not really drowned.
People just think they are,
but they're not, see?
My mother wouldn't do
anything silly like that.
- Like what?
- Talk after she drowned. That's ridiculous.
Yes, isn't it?
- Know any more pieces?
- It's getting late. Get ready for dinner.
- Already?
- Not yet.
- Come, come, come.
- Go on, Timmy.
- See you later.
- You too, Chinch.
Go on, darling.
- Hello, Chinch.
- Hello.
How are you?
Oh, you're getting heavy.
- Hello, Dad.
- Tim, stick them up.
What'd I tell you? Keep them high.
- Hello.
- Hello, Miss Bates.
- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.
He's brought her home.
- Don't you suppose he's told her?
- I guess not.
- Perhaps it's better if you weren't here.
- Why should I leave?
- Don't you see? lt'll be a little awkward.
- I know. I know.
Tell her I'm an old friend.
From the South.
Why don't you wash up?
Isn't it dinnertime?
- It's not 6:00 yet.
- Now, don't argue. In you go.
- What'd I do?
- In you go.
Yes, sir.
Why didn't you tell them
I'm their new mother?
Didn't I do that?
Oh, I didn't want to confuse them.
- Confuse them?
- I mean, I'm confused.
Driving and all that, you know.
Come on. Let's go in.
Aren't you going to carry me
across the threshold?
It's good luck.
Oh, sure, sure.
Hiya, Nicholas, honey!
- Y'all mind if I kiss the bridegroom?
- Not at all.
Just one big, sisterly kiss.
She's visiting with us.
Her mother and I went to school
together in Virginia.
I just feel like she's my own daughter.
- How nice.
- Isn't he the sweetest thing?
I used to just adore him.
He was the darlingest boy you ever did see.
But faithless.
Just like a bumblebee
going from flower to flower.
Oh, I was only fooling, honey.
I come from a fooling family.
My great-grandfather Lucius...
...was the first man to give the governor
of North Carolina the hotfoot.
- You've been married before, haven't you?
- Why, no, of course not.
Now, where did I get the idea
you was a widow?
Not yet.
Well, I'll make a drink. Shall I?
You must be tired, son.
You both look tired.
That's what I've been thinking,
but not daring to say!
Oh, I'm just terrible,
saying things like that!
Oh, isn't that lovely?
Isn't that a lovely thing?
- Engagement present?
- Yes.
I used to have one exactly like it.
- Did y'all drive all night?
- Why, no. We stopped at a charming place.
A sort of rose-covered cottage.
Nick picked it.
He said he wanted just the right place.
It was so peaceful, so serene, so romantic.
Nick's so thoughtful.
- Isn't he, though?
- Dinner's served.
- How's school, Tim?
- Fine.
Tim's quite an orator.
- Will you recite for us?
- I don't wanna recite.
Then you don't have to.
Nicholas, did you know Chinch got
two gold stars from her music teacher?
No. Did you, Chinch?
- Chinch got two gold stars from her teacher.
- I heard the news.
I know what!
Let's have Chinch play for us after dinner.
- I can play by heart without the paper.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- I had a pretty good ear when I was a kid.
- You could never carry a tune.
- Don't believe her.
- Still can't.
- I like my husband's voice.
- Don't care much about music, huh?
I made a mistake.
Pick up where you left off,
if you don't mind.
My teacher said I shouldn't do that.
Go right back, darling.
Under a spreading chestnut tree
The village smithy stands
- The smith, a mighty man is he
- Good boy!
With large and sinewy hands
And the muscles of his brawny arms
Are strong as iron bands
"I don't wanna recite."
His face is like the tan
His brow is wet with honest sweat...
- My head's splitting. I'm going to bed.
- All right.
- Week in, week out, from morn...
- Good night.
You can hear him swing his...
- Coming, Nick?
- In just a little while.
...village bell when the evening sun is low
And the children...
Good night.
They love to see the flaming forge
And hear the bellows roar
- Thought you weren't gonna recite.
- I didn't do the Gettysburg Address.
- Let's go back and do it.
- Not a chance.
- Night, Daddy.
- Good night, Chinch. God bless.
- Just when the party's getting good.
- Night.
- I cut that stuff out a year ago.
- Oh, sorry. Good night.
- Good night. Good night.
- Good night, fella.
Well, I all thought your all performance
was mighty good this evening, sister Ellen.
I thought you'd like that.
- Good night!
- Good night.
You've done a good job, Nick.
They're nice kids.
- Yeah?
- They're really wonderful.
- Oh, I'm glad you think so.
- Timmy's just like you.
- Oh, sure. Well, he's a bright boy.
- Obstinate, jealous...
Nick, I'm waiting.
In a minute.
- What were you saying?
- I was saying, Timmy's just like you...
...obstinate, jealous, but adorable.
- I feel sorry for the woman who marries him.
- Why?
Because he's a heartbreaker, like you.
Go on, I'm one of the most faithful
husbands that ever lived.
With a wife in every room.
Nick, I'm waiting!
- Are you gonna tell her?
- Sure.
- Well, when?
- Right now.
Of course, it's gonna take tact and delicacy.
She's waiting.
Well, all right, here I go.
Oh, you Casanova, you.
And then we drove all night.
All night!
And when we got home,
he didn't even tell the children.
Oh, Mother, he just ignores me!
I don't care what Father did!
I've never been so humiliated.
I'm not going to stand it another minute.
I'm going to leave him!
Well, I don't care what you say!
I'm going to leave him!
Mother, I'll call you back.
How is your mother?
Your mother's quite nice
once you get to know her.
Do you love me?
Why, Bianca, you're one
of the most attractive girls I know.
I'm your wife!
When I think of how I shopped all afternoon
until I was exhausted...
...hunting a surprise for you,
and you won't even put it on!
Oh, no, Bianca, please.
I'll put it on.
Now, stop. Bianca, I'll put it on right now.
I'll put it on, Bianca.
No, please, stop crying.
Look, Bianca.
Look, Bianca, I'm putting it on.
Please, stop crying, Bianca.
Look. There. There now, I've put it on. See?
Playing up to that Southern snip
just as if I weren't there.
In the name of heaven, tell me,
what's wrong with me?
Oh, Bianca, there's nothing wrong with you.
Believe me, under other circumstances...
Well, who knows?
Oh, no. No, Bianca, please, stop crying.
Now, please, let me explain.
Now, let me start from the beginning.
Now, once there was a man who met a girl.
He'd been living alone for quite some time.
Well, he told the girl he loved her,
and naturally, he married said girl.
- Now in...
- What are you trying to say?
Just this.
- Doorbell! That's for me. I'll be right back.
- Well...
I'll be right back.
- Mr. Arden?
- Yes?
I'm Johnson of American Life
and Accident lnsurance.
- Come right in, Mr. Johnson.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm sorry to be intruding at this hour.
- Not at all. Not at all.
I don't suppose you remember me,
but I met you at the Kiwanis get-together.
- Oh, really?
- The big one. Fourth of July last.
- I made a speech that day.
- How nice.
- I'm sorry to drag you out of your bed.
- Not at all. Glad you came.
Oh, delightful.
- This will only take a minute.
- Sit down. Stay a while.
Well, thank you.
What can I do for you?
Mr. Arden, have you received
any communication from your first wife...
...Ellen Wagstaff Arden?
No. Just as I expected.
You see, our district manager, Mr. Pusey,
is one of those fussbudgety types...
...who likes to check everything.
It's customary to check...
...when the company's paid out a large sum
of money, but this is ridiculous.
- What are you driving at?
- He claims to have a report...
...a rumor, really, that a woman
of your first wife's description...
- ...was rescued by a Portuguese freighter.
- Is that so?
As was also a man named
Stephen Burkett...
...who was reported drowned
at the same time.
- Would you mind saying that again?
- Please, don't be angry with me.
- If you knew Pusey...
- This Stephen Burkett...
...he was rescued at the same time
as my wife?
Well, according to this unverified rumor.
Then they were on that island
for seven years together?
Seven years.
Ridiculous, isn't it?
- What else did your Mr. Pusey hear?
- Well, not very much, really.
It seems he talked to somebody
who had talked to a Portuguese captain.
Listen to this. He says,
"The woman called the man Adam."
- Adam?
- Adam.
A far cry from Stephen.
Oh, it's all absurd.
What did he call her?
Adam and Eve.
Adam and Eve. A delightful fancy.
- Yeah. Delightful.
- Yes.
You ought to be grateful it is only a fancy,
because, aside from the money...
...can you imagine the pickle
you'd be in if it weren't?
Well, then, that does it.
Come in.
Oh, Nick.
- How can you sleep at a time like this?
- I wasn't.
- No, dreaming about Adam, I suppose.
- Adam?
Yes, Adam! Adam! Adam and Eve!
Why didn't you tell me you weren't alone
and that Burkett was with you?
Why do you dissemble and deceive?
I've just met with the insurance...
- What are you laughing at?
- You, darling. That robe.
Never mind that, how am I gonna look?
My wife and this man
alone on an island for seven years.
- We didn't arrange it. It just happened.
- Yeah, I'll bet it did!
- Please, get that look out of your eye.
- Why didn't you tell me about him?
- I knew you'd carry on like you are now.
- That's no excuse!
- I wanted to pick the right time to tell you.
- There never will be a right time.
Seven years on an island. You mean
to tell me he didn't molest you in any way?
How could he? The poor fellow broke his
leg trying to drag our boat through the surf.
He was laid up for six months.
That still leaves six and a half years.
It just occurs to me
that I ought to feel insulted.
I go through seven years of agony.
I come home to find my husband
in the arms of another woman, married!
My children don't know me.
And all my husband can think of... did I carry on with some poor man
who wouldn't hurt a fly!
- Now, just a moment!
- You, just a moment! Did you tell her?
- Did you?
- Well...
No! You got into costume.
- I was about to...
- How long does it take to tell a woman:
"My wife's come back"?
I can say it in two seconds.
You've had two days.
Oh, Nick... don't wanna tell her.
That's why you're picking on poor Adam.
Any excuse will do.
Now, don't you start that, Ellen.
I'm sorry, but you can't blame me
after hearing about Burkett.
You'd always think the worst of me.
- Well, where is he now?
- Who?
- You know who I'm talking about!
- Oh, Adam.
Jealous of poor Adam.
Gentle, harmless Adam.
- He lives at the YMCA.
- The YMCA?
He always lives at the YMCA. He's a
clean-living, upright, 100% American...
...and a gentleman.
Is there anything more you'd like to know?
- Yes. When do I meet him?
- When do you tell her?
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Nick! Where are you going now?
- To the YMCA.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
No, not Durkett, Burkett!
B, like...
All right, I'll hold on.
Oh, he's not there? Thanks.
- Good morning, Miss Rosenthal.
- Morning, sir.
Look, I want you to find a Stephen Burkett.
Drop everything else. It's very important.
I've called all the hotels.
Call the country clubs, the men's clubs,
the athletic clubs.
- The YMCA?
- No!
- I tried that. They've never heard of him.
- Yes, sir.
Mr. Burkett's room, please.
Oh, he's not?
Well, will you try paging him, please?
Paging Mr. Burkett!
Paging Mr. Burkett!
Paging Mr. Burkett!
Paging Mr. Burkett!
Paging Mr. Burkett!
- Mr. Burkett!
- Right here, son!
- Mr. Burkett. Call for you, sir.
- All right.
- Nobody on this line, son.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Thanks, but they'll probably call again.
Well, I feel it's about time for a dip.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Ask that young man.
- All right.
Ask him.
- Young man, is that Johnny Weissmuller?
- No, I wish it were.
Are you sure that isn't the left shoe?
Well, if you...
- Are you sure you wear fours?
- Well, maybe I don't anymore.
I've been running around with my shoes off
for quite some time.
Sort of running wild.
There you are. How's that?
- What do you do at lunchtime?
- Have lunch.
Well, do you think you could skip it today
if I made it worth your while?
Well, meet me out in front in 15 minutes.
Oh, no, no.
No, you don't understand.
Well, I'll explain the whole thing later.
Yes, Joe? What were you saying?
Yes, I know. I covered every...
Yeah. I'm sorry, Joe.
Yes, that's...
Well, no, no.
Here's how I interpret the clause...
Joe, I'll have to call you back.
A Miss Wagstaff to see you, sir.
- Oh, send her in.
- Yes, sir.
I hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.
No, no, no.
Oh, Nick, I'm sorry about last night.
Really, I am.
You had a right to be suspicious.
- Do you have a little time to spare now?
- Why?
Well, I thought if you had a little time,
I'd like you to meet Mr. Burkett.
He's right outside.
Well, have him come in.
I thought we'd better get this thing settled
once and for all.
Stephen, this is Nick.
So this is Mr. Burkett?
This is a pleasure, Mr. Arden.
I've heard so much about you.
That's good. Now, sit down, Adam.
Thank you.
I haven't very much time.
- You were about to say something?
- Oh, yes.
Yes. I'm on my way to the Geographic
Society for a very important meeting.
I'm making a report of the flora and fauna
we found on the island.
I was greatly fascinated
by the vegetation on the island.
I'm afraid I spent so much time
on research that...
...well, I wasn't very good company
for your wife.
Eve said that you had some questions
you wanted to ask me, Mr. Arden.
Yes, he has.
Ask him. Ask him anything.
Now, while you were on the island...
- I'm awfully bad at names, Mr...?
- Burkett. Stephen J. Burkett.
Oh, yes, thank you.
Incidentally, I was awfully sorry
to hear about your accident.
- I beg your pardon?
- I was simply asking him about his accident.
Oh, my leg is fine now.
- Well, I'd better run along, Eve. Shall I?
- Must you?
The Geographic Society
insists on punctuality.
- Goodbye, Mr. Arden.
- Bye. I'm glad you came up.
- It was very enlightening.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, Eve.
- Goodbye, Adam.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Satisfied?
- Yes.
Don't. I told you there was nothing to it.
Oh, well, you know.
Feel better now?
- How about some lunch?
- Love it.
Would you?
- Pacific Club?
- Good!
- Sherry?
- Yeah, please.
- Martini?
- Yes. Thank you.
I tell you, let's drink to... more suspicions.
No more suspicions.
If married people can't be honest
with each other, who can?
- After all...
- Exactly.
What are you staring at, darling?
- What's the matter?
- I dropped my gloves.
- No, you didn't. They're on the table.
- No, I don't think so. I...
Hello, Eve. I thought I saw you down here.
- Page, bring my robe, will you, please?
- Yes, sir.
- I'm delighted to see you, Eve.
- Won't you present me?
My name's Arden. I didn't catch yours.
Burkett's the name.
Hasn't Eve told you...?
Burkett? Did you say Burkett?
- I said Burkett.
- Here you are.
- How odd.
- Thank you.
Well, Mr. Burkett, why don't
you have lunch with us?
- Delighted.
- Good.
- Waiter.
- The inner man is crying for nourishment.
We'll order now, waiter.
I recommend turkey la king.
It's very delicious.
Something funny?
I was just thinking of the little man
I dragged up to your office.
Does turkey appeal to you,
or do you confine yourself to raw meat?
Never touch it. I'm strictly a vegetarian.
Bring me a glass of carrot juice,
a milk shake and some carrots.
Yes, sir.
- Steak sandwich. We'll order dessert later.
- Yes, sir.
My husband hasn't slept since he heard
you were on the island with me.
He's arranged this meeting
to trap us into a confession.
- Just a moment!
- He's a very clever lawyer, so beware.
I'm gonna be very foxy myself.
I've got nothing to hide.
I know, but he has.
You see, Nick's married again.
- No!
- Yes!
That's wonderful! Congratulations,
that's the best news I ever had.
Why? What is it to you?
Can't you see? lt simplifies everything.
Now I can come right out and tell you.
Tell me what?
Well, I... I'd like to marry Eve.
Oh, you would, would you?
I've known your wife seven years, and
no man could ask for a better companion...
...a truer friend
or a more charming playmate.
Thank you. Isn't he impulsive?
Impulsive? He's full of carrots.
If it's of any importance to you,
I must, in all fairness, add...
...we've nothing to reproach ourselves for
during those seven years.
No regrets?
So just make up your mind, old man.
- I'll make up my mind...
- You're not allowed to have two wives.
I know, I know. Don't rush me.
What's your hurry?
Your carrots aren't here yet.
Let me ask you, how long were
you married before the island?
Four years. Why?
I was with her for seven.
So I claim her on the basis of seniority.
Got you there.
- You've got nothing but a lot of...
- If you gentlemen will excuse me...
...I think maybe you could thrash
this out better without me.
Don't get up.
It might surprise you to know that
I can get along without either one of you.
I'm perfectly able to take care of myself.
Hold your breath, Ellen!
Are you all right?
- Can I help you?
- No!
How long will it take to get those
dried and pressed?
Three or four hours at least, ma'am.
All right.
Three or four hours.
Wish there was some way
I could get some things from home.
Well, I'm hungry.
Think I'll order something.
What do you need? A hat and dress?
Room service, please.
Some shoes and stockings and...
Bring a couple of things.
I'll pick one out.
Room service, this is Mr. Burkett.
I'd like to order lunch for two
to be served in my room.
All right, I'll be right back.
And a plate of raw carrots. That's all.
- Back so soon?
- Forget something, old man?
How would you like to come along with me?
Just for the ride, huh?
What are you laughing at?
Just thinking, after seven years,
what's another half-hour?
- Go on, Stephen.
- All right.
Have you your own car, or shall I call a cab?
Do you ride in cabs,
or do you just trot alongside?
Goodbye, Eve.
I'll see you later.
What do you think it could be?
It is not at all unusual.
- Really?
- There are hundreds of such cases.
Why, only last week,
I heard of a case of a man...
Where have you been?
I have to get some clothes for a friend.
He's downstairs in the car.
This is Dr. Kohlmar. He's going to help us.
- It's all right, he knows.
- He knows what?
It's not at all unusual.
There are hundreds of such cases.
It's been a pleasure, but if you'll excuse me,
I'll go on with my packing.
You see, doctor?
He just doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I think I'm going mad,
stark staring mad.
Now, now, now. Not at all unusual.
The mood and pose is characteristic
of the frustrated individual.
If I may make a suggestion.
- Yes, doctor?
- You just rest.
I'll wander in on your husband casually
and talk things over.
Please, doctor, I don't care what you do,
but please do something.
There, there.
- You think it matches?
- Oh, yes.
- Blue ought to go with blue?
- Very becoming.
It's for a friend.
He's waiting downstairs.
Oh, I see.
What's the matter with you?
Nick! Nick!
- Gotta go.
- Where?
Supreme Court, part three.
Most important case of my career.
Sorry, but I must ask you to stay.
- Can't let the client down. Grave charge.
- I insist. I have to talk to you.
Look here, I don't really need you.
I'll defend myself.
- You want to ruin my career?
- No, Nick, I don't, but...
- Give me the law books.
- Talk to Dr. Kohlmar for a few minutes!
- Wait a minute!
- Goodbye, old man!
Now, what do you want?
What do you both want?
Can't a man come home
without being spied on?
We're trying to help.
You want to lie down?
I don't want to lie down.
I don't need a doctor. Go away.
- I've been trying to tell you.
- Trying to tell me what?
I'm married!
Of course you are, dear.
My wife's not dead! She didn't drown!
She fell in the pool! I was getting clothes.
That's when he thought that...
That fellow that was just here,
you remember?
He was on the island with her.
- They're at the club, and I have to go.
- I understand, dear.
No, you don't understand!
Now, listen carefully.
She came to the hotel.
You remember the honeymoon?
Well, that's why...
My goodness, isn't it clear to you?
Do I have to draw a diagram?
You need a long rest, Nick.
Doesn't he, doctor?
- Mr. Arden?
- Not now.
My wife, the mother of my children,
Ellen Wagstaff...
- Mr. Arden?
- What is it?
I've got a warrant for your arrest.
Arrest? You can't arrest me.
What's the charge?
- Bigamy.
- Bigamy?
Do you mind coming with us, Mr. Arden?
Now do you believe me?
- If Your Honor please, I was...
- Quiet!
I don't know what you're doing here.
- Bigamy is a criminal offense.
- I know, but I'm out on bail...
I don't care anything about the bail.
This is a civil court.
What kind of a lawyer are you?
- Where did you go to school?
- Harvard.
I'm a Yale man, myself.
Are you the bride?
Yes, Your Honor.
- Kissless?
- Yes, Your Honor.
Harvard man.
I see nothing wrong with my decision.
You presented your brief.
The evidence is all here.
Yeah, it's all here.
Teething and so forth.
You want me to reverse myself?
Now, you go to the Court of Appeals.
They're always reversing me anyway.
Your Honor,
I have a precedent for this case.
I cite the case of Mulligan v.
Mulligan-Benson in the city of Fresno, 1 879.
How long do I have to stay
and listen to this worm?
- Just a moment.
- Go on.
Tell us what happened in
Mulligan v. Mulligan-Benson.
Mrs. Mulligan returned after
an absence of considerable length... find that Mr. Mulligan had remarried.
Now, Mrs. Benson-Mulligan,
the second wife...
It was a sort of a mulligan stew.
Quiet. I'll have no laughter
in the courtroom.
When the first wife returned, the second
wife immediately sued for annulment.
That left Mr. Mulligan, the husband, free
to remarry the first wife, Mrs. Mulligan...
...or the second wife, Mrs. Benson-Mulligan,
or rather Mulligan-Benson.
Don't stand there gawking.
What did he do?
He died suddenly of cirrhosis of the liver.
They never did find whether he slept
with his beard under or over the covers.
That'll cost you $25.
Just for a nice old joke?
You heard me, $25.
You can't do that, Your Honor.
I'm legally dead.
- It's not nice to take money from a corpse.
- That'll cost you $25 more.
That's 50 you owe me.
- You keeping track of this?
- Yes.
See that you do.
But she is legally dead.
You declared her legally dead yourself.
Your decision is on file.
- Did I do that?
- Yes, Your Honor.
I did? Well, I'm going
to declare her legally alive.
Then she can pay me that $50.
Will someone swear she's a live woman?
- I'll say she is, Your Honor.
- But you can't do that.
If she's alive, I'm guilty of bigamy.
- Can you make anything out of this case?
- Your Honor, it's all here.
I know it's there. I know the...
I know the brief.
"Mulligan stew."
Boy, that was a good one.
Who are you?
He was on the island.
He's not important to this case.
I'll decide what's important to the case.
What island?
The island where my wife stayed
for seven years, Your Honor.
- They were on an island for seven years?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- Not alone?
- Yes.
- Same island?
- Yes.
- Is that in the brief?
- No.
That should be in the brief.
That's the most interesting part of the case.
Yeah, not in the brief.
If Your Honor please...
I would like to leave before I explode.
I want to go home myself.
I'd like to tell my wife about this case.
She thinks all my cases are dull.
Well, it seems to me the only thing
I can do is annul the second marriage... you can marry this woman.
I don't know what you're
going to do about him.
I haven't had time to think that out.
I wanna tell you what this man's done
from the moment he first married me.
- If he'd only come to me and told me...
- Bianca, I did come to you...
Where are you two going?
- If you please, Your Honor...
- Quiet! Let her tell this.
We started driving back,
and we drove all night! All night!
So he hasn't had time to think it over.
- Poor Nick.
- Sit down, Ellen.
Ellen, I'm the kind of a man
who finishes what he starts.
I'm going back to the island,
and I want you to come with me.
What do you say?
Thanks, Steve...
...but I haven't waited seven years
just to give up in three days.
I think you're just being loyal,
but I respect you for it.
- Steve, would you do something for me?
- Anything.
- I know I shouldn't ask you...
- What?
I've got to get him back.
Will you help me?
Just repeat that invitation in front of Nick.
I see.
What's that?
I'll have no violence in my courtroom.
Twenty-five dollars, and it was worth it.
And all I have to say to you is that as far
as I'm concerned you're legally dead.
- If Your Honor please...
- No...
- Well, Ellen, see you at the boat, 9:00.
- What boat?
We're not interested in man-made laws,
but there's a law of the jungle.
When a man finds his mate,
he doesn't have to think it out.
- Goodbye, Eve. Until tomorrow.
- Goodbye, Adam.
Just a moment!
And it's all right if you bring the kiddies.
In all my experience on the bench, I have...
I'll have to study the brief.
Then I'll render my decision.
- Yes.
- Quiet.
- Despite his decision, I'm getting a divorce.
- Quiet!
- If you think you're taking the kids...
- Your nose.
- If you think you're gonna...
- Hold your head back.
You had it coming to you.
You know that, don't you? That's terrible.
If you think you can take the kids
to a fever-ridden pesthole...
Well, what's your offer?
I thought you could take the kids to the
mountain house until the gossip dies down.
Oh, you did?
And what are you going to do?
I thought I might go on one
of those 60-day cruises... I can think it out calmly, rationally.
And you might forgive me? ls that it?
- Well, no, it isn't that...
- I'll think about it too, calmly and rationally.
Only it won't take me 60 days.
I can do it in 60 minutes.
Hold your head back. Way back.
Now, there's a mess!
Never mind that!
I can't read a wet brief.
You know what?
- Where's that thing?
- Gavel?
Court's adjourned!
Harvard man.
- Why don't you let me finish?
- Sixty days...
- Goodbye, Phillip.
- Goodbye, ma'am.
All aboard?
Don't forget the blankets if it gets cold.
- Goodbye!
- Bye!
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
- What's the matter?
- Wait a minute.
You can't drive that car.
You haven't got a license.
Think I want you arrested,
the kids picked up?
All right, I'll get Phillip to take us.
That won't be necessary.
Tim, get in the back. I'll drive you.
Where to?
To the mountains.
- The mountains?
- Mountains.
Oh, of course.
Hi, Mr. Arden. Evening, ma'am.
- Good evening.
- Hello!
I got that call.
You'll find everything all right.
- I'm hungry!
- We'll have dinner in a few minutes.
Will you be staying long?
No, Mr. Arden is going right back.
Going on another vacation?
That's right.
- Going to Yosemite Falls again?
- No!
You don't have to get sore.
I just asked you a question.
- Well, thanks very much, Nick.
- That's all right.
It's gonna be dark going down
on those hairpin turns.
But you're such a good driver.
I'm not worried about it.
I don't think there's much fog.
There isn't any.
Bye. Oh, Ellen, I forgot...
Look, when are you gonna tell
the children that you're their mother?
I don't know. It may be a little difficult.
After all, they've gotten along
pretty well without me.
You could've made it easier, broken the ice.
I don't know how they'll take it from me.
If you feel that way,
I'll go and tell them now.
No, you can't do it like that.
Would it help if I wrote a letter?
That would be nice, yes.
"Enclosed, please find your mother."
No, this is my problem.
I'll see how I get along with them.
If the right time comes, I'll know it,
and if it doesn't, I'll know that too.
You don't want to give them a shock.
At their age, the mind is sensitive.
We don't know what it's all about...
- ...when we're that young.
- No, but we do when we grow up, don't we?
Sure. With maturity,
the mind can stand anything.
Practically anything.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
If she's our mother, what's Daddy?
- Our father.
- Are you sure?
Sure. What else could he be?
I don't know.
Nobody ever tells me anything.
What are you two little monkeys
talking about?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- Nothing at all.
Oh, I love this place.
I used to come up here all the time.
With our mother?
And your daddy.
- We used to have a lot of fun.
- The three of you?
What do you want for dinner?
By the way...
...was our mother good-looking?
Most people thought...
That is, some people...
I don't know.
I just thought I'd ask. You see,
we don't know very much about her.
...suppose your mother didn't drown.
Suppose she came back.
- You mean, like a miracle?
- Yes.
Suppose she were right here in this...
What would you do?
Look here.
You know, don't you?
How do you do, Mother?
How do you do?
How do you do?
Don't you think...'s about time somebody...
...started kissing somebody?
Oh, darling.
How did you find out?
Come on, tell me. Come on.
I had a flat.
- Daddy.
- Hello, Dad.
I was going along, and:
- Come on, children, upstairs.
- Why?
- You've got to mind me now.
- I forgot.
Go wash up.
I'll call you when dinner's ready.
Why don't you stay for dinner?
Yeah, then we can all
try out mother's cooking.
You told them, huh? Oh, that's great!
- You know, I was wondering...
- What about the spare tires?
No air in them.
- Do you wanna phone the garage?
- Can't. The wires are down.
You see, there's been a landslide.
The road is blocked.
Probably won't be able
to use the phone until morning.
It's fixed.
- Hello?
- Hello, Ellen?
I have some good news for you.
There was a call
from Judge Bryson's office.
They said that Nicky's
annulment has been filed...
...and that you've
been declared legally alive...
...and you owe him $50.
You and Nicky are husband and wife again.
You can just pick up where you left off.
Who was that?
They just phoned to say...
...the road is open.
Well, it's no use. I'm out of gas.
You seem to be out of everything but ideas.
May I stay?
Yes, you can stay for dinner.
I always sleep well up here.
Let's see. I wonder where.
The children have their room,
and our room becomes my room.
Looks like you draw the attic.
It's perfect for thinking things out.
- What's the matter?
- You were right.
It's perfect for thinking.
No good for sleeping, though.
I'm sorry.
- You hungry?
- No. Why? Are you?
Thought maybe you were hungry.
- Nice mattress, eh?
- Yes.
The one upstairs is nothing like that.
All right.
Take it up with you.
That's very nice of you.
Sorry to disturb you like this.
It wasn't very comfortable up there.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, Nick.
Put out the light, will you, please?
Oh, sure.
- What on earth?
- Doesn't fit.
Is that all?
Hope I didn't frighten you.
I didn't mean to.
You didn't frighten me.
Are you comfortable?
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, look, Ellen, what's the use?
You know how I feel.
I could think about it till doomsday.
I'm stuck.
I don't care what happened,
I don't care what people say.
I was always mad about you,
and I always will be.
Does that help any?
No. No, you better go on your cruise.
I'm not gonna
stay away for 60 days.
Well, that's not so long. Let's see.
November, December, 23, 24...
It'll be about Christmas time.
You come back and
talk to me about it then.
We'll have a lovely Christmas.
After all, what's 59 days more?
I think you're being very unreasonable.
And furthermore,
I won't trouble you any more tonight.
Good night.
Oh, my. Oh, no.
Oh, Nick.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.