Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List (2015) Movie Script

Woman: Some friendships
are so important,
You'd do anything
to make them last.
That's why Ely and I created
the no-kiss list.
What exactly is a no-kiss list,
you ask?
Well, hold on a second.
I'll get there.
Muggies, late for school.
- No.
- No.
- Switch.
- Yeah, switch.
Mm, much better.
Oh, by the way, student revolt,
classes cancelled.
- That sucks. Oh, well.
- So funny, Pinocchio.
Any more,
you're gonna need a nose job.
Woman: One thing
you should know about me...
18 years of apartment living,
and you still believe pressing
- The down button speeds up the elevator's arrival.
- Implicitly.
...I lie all the time.
Good morning, Mrs. Loy.
I lied to Mrs. Loy
that I walked her dog
Three times a day when she went
to Atlantic city.
But honestly,
I think that dog hates me.
- Close it. Close it.
- Close it!
Good morning,
Mr. Mcallister.
Let's do this.
I like it.
Love it.
I lie to myself
that it's meaningless
When I don't tell Ely
that Gabriel,
The beautiful new doorman,
may occasionally text me.
- Hey, how's it going?
- And I lied to Bruce the first
When I let him let him he ever
had a shot at being my first.
I hope the day
continues to be good.
If it hasn't been good
then I hope it changes...
All right.
Step aside, kids.
- Bye, boys. Bye!
- Have a great day.
Well, that was fun.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- We're going this way.
- Oh, take me away!
Fraulein, have you ever noticed
That Gabriel's left eye
is greener than his right?
Ely, you insult me.
What are you taking me for,
some sort of amateur doorman stalker?
That's only the 37th thing
I love most about him.
Oh, my god, Naomi, remind me to
introduce you to this guy.
Freshman film freak,
goes by the name of, uh,
Bruce the second.
- He's your boyfriend.
- Oh. Right. Him,
But Gabriel's
just so gaze-worthy.
Okay. Clearly, Gabriel belongs
on the no-kiss list.
Fast, fast,
don't get hit by a moped.
- All right, keep up.
- You check the news. I'll stock up on snacks.
Why discriminate?
You know what I mean?
The no-kiss list is meant
for all truly,
Madly kissable boys,
like Robert Pattison.
It hurts knowing that person's
lips will never touch yours
Because of our ever-so-sacred
vow of no-kissing lists.
- Bye!
- Bye!
This is a new song, Otis?
Sure is, sweet baby.
Oh, I love it.
Let me tell you, baby,
what it is I'm looking for
There you go, baby.
Ain't more than a little bit
So if you got it, baby,
I'll adore you...
I'll walk you to class if we
can take the scenic route.
And I lied to Ely
that I'm okay with gay.
Ely: Do you see
that one on the left?
Naomi: I am.
Just... Not for him.
- Do I have to?
- Yes.
Naomi, it's not high school
anymore, okay?
Have you seen the wreckage
of our lives, lately.
Seems psych might
be good for the soul.
Go in there.
Show 'em who's boss.
It's 110% you.
- You're beautiful. I love you.
- Come with me.
No. I can't. You got this.
It's all on you.
- Go. Go. Go. Git!
- Oh! No!
I don't wanna go!
- Hug me.
- No. No. No. Back.
Oh, I lied to the NYU
admissions committee
When I told them I had
a vision for my future.
Six weeks in,
and I can barely see straight.
Naomi, over here!
I saved you a seat.
Thanks, robin.
Woman: Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
We will be re-examining
chapter five in our textbook...
Oh, crap.
Ely always gives me a pen.
Thank you.
Access chapter five, page...
You wanna know why I lie
And what exactly ely meant
by the wreckage of our lives?
There's ely,
already making me feel better.
Ely and I have lived next door
to each other our whole lives.
I was there when his moms
could finally get married.
They may look happy here,
but it became a total shit show
When my dad had an affair
with Ely's mom, jenny.
The moms marriage survived...
But my parents' didn't.
So I started lying to my mom to
tell her she'd make it through.
It's not that I don't think
she can.
I just don't think
she wants to wake
From the pharmaceutical haze
she's been ever since dad left.
But ely and I
will always have each other.
We're city kids who never had
big backyards,
So we built our
own urban tree house
On top of the stairwell
in our building.
It's our private
hallowed ground.
Miss? Miss? Hello?
Are you finding it difficult
to concentrate
On our discussion of Freud
and the unconscious?
Well, it may have appeared
that I was zoning out.
I was actually exploring
the very power
Of my unconscious.
Is that so?
Paper lions: she made a move
on me after I let a fire...
ely: Hey, boo.
Yaffa cafe, stat.
I-I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
Ely, seriously, come on, please,
I need to talk to you.
My professor
just totally chewed me out.
It was humiliating.
Be in there in five.
I'll see you in ten.
Peel away my thickest skin
I hesitate
and you pull me in
pull me in
pull me I-I-n...
Bruce, are you seriously
gonna do that all semester?
What? I'm just trying
to capture your essence.
Oh, did I tell you?
I think I decided on a title
for my student film.
"Hot child in the city."
Oh, no, that's for ely!
That's... Cool.
Uh, I got Orson Welles.
I'll call you later?
Yeah. Sure.
Hi, Bruce.
Bye, Bruce.
So glad you're here.
I never noticed b2
had such good teeth.
Trust me.
Follow me.
Where are we going?
Quit complaining.
I think
we should get married here.
Well, you make me swoon from
the gritty romance of it all,
But what happened to the temple
of Dendur at the met?
This time, I don't mean you
and me getting married.
I mean, me and he.
I just wanna touch you
let me sit back...
Mediocre doorman by night...
Superstar baller by day.
- Good god.
- Both: Sigh.
god, he's great with balls.
Gabriel so belongs
on the no-kiss list,
But bottom standing
will not suffice.
Yeah, but where the hell
do we put him then?
Because obviously
Donnie Weisberger
Remains a non-negotiable
number one.
- Obv.
- Yeah.
Rumor has it he's doing
habitat for humanity crap
In Guatemala dodging
the drug rap
- From the senior skip day 'shroom fiasco.
- Yeah?
- Donnie. Donnie. I miss him.
- Yea, Gabriel maybe new,
- But he's hotter than everyone else.
- Agreed.
Get it in. Come on.
Come on. Oh, yes.
And George says he's in a band.
Oh, my god.
That's even hotter.
Well, then, welcome Gabriel
To number two on
the no-kiss list. Mwah.
Let us never forget
the importance of declaring
Certain hottie Mchot boys
It is the official insurance
against Naomi and ely breakup.
- I guess.
- Friendship where we never fight over guys...
- Is a friendship that lasts forever,
- exactly.
Gabriel is off-limits.
If only our parents
had a no-kiss list.
Then maybe my dad wouldn't live
not in the building anymore,
Far, far away.
And mom Susan wouldn't still
be sleeping on the couch?
- I'm trying hard here
- got you.
I give you all that I got
yeah, yeah, whoa, whoa
Uh-huh, uh-huh, all you.
Call me. I'll call you.
We'll meet up later.
Oh, no, thank you.
- Smack that ass.
- Oh! Hey!
Thank you.
Ely: Shake that. Shake it.
Shake it.
Swerving on it.
It's hard-core.
Oh, my god.
- Did you like that?
- Oh, I loved that.
Do you know why I love you?
Because of my uncanny ability
to wiggle my eyebrows?
Oh, my god.
That is fascinating.
And also because...
When I feel like sticking
my head in an oven,
You pull it out,
And you put cookies
in there instead.
That was sweet.
Mm, thanks.
Check it.
Check it.
All right, let's see,
what do we got for tonight?
Apples to apples...
What do you wanna do?
Let's eat cookie dough.
I got a 911.
Mama G.
Gotta go do damage control.
I love you.
Meeya more.
And you said this was, um,
all locally grown organically?
I'm glad somebody noticed.
Forgive me for having
a deposition in the morning.
I take it couples counseling
went well today?
Hey, mom.
- Hi, baby.
- You hungry?
I was thinking
of ordering Chinese.
Look how thin I was there.
Am I in any of these with you?
These were before you were born.
Here's some of me.
I look so much like dad here.
The selfish bastard's not even
gonna send money this month.
We'll still be okay, right?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll start
a jewelry business.
What do you know about jewelry?
Remember that beading set
you got for Christmas?
I played with it
a lot more than you did.
Can't sleep again?
Well, at least you're
working things out.
That's what counts.
- I think he's in his room.
- Okay.
- Sats?
- Yes.
I don't have that.
The estimation that something
is valueless.
Thank you for that very cheerful
bit of wisdom,
Mr. Mcallister.
Excuse me?
It means, like, a poser.
It was on my sats.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize
You had to take the sats
to get into doorman school.
No. It was for...
Forget it.
Why aren't you sleeping?
I tried it all...
Counting sheep, weed, obviously,
- Complete works of Dostoevsky
- Dostoyevsky.
Don't care.
I jerked off for a while.
That's... that's plenty.
How long has this
been going on for?
A while.
I blame Naomi.
I was five.
She was seven.
We were left alone
in the elevator together
Completely unattended,
and she lifts up her skirt
And sticks her tongue out at me.
And my heart completely
leaped out of my chest.
Naomi has owned it ever since.
Wasn't that like ten years ago?
And doesn't she have
a boyfriend now?
If you're referring to Bruce 2,
then technically, yes,
But I know that I shall
forever be
Bruce 1 to her in every way.
Bruce 2, I laugh at you.
Oh, plus, just last spring,
we're back in our same elevator,
She's eating a snickers bar.
She leans into me,
and kisses me,
Completely sucking my soul
out of my body and into hers.
let me taste your honey
I need more,
I can't get enough of you
let me taste your honey
so hot,
you know just want I need
See ya.
Have a good night.
I love the taste of snickers.
Where the eff were you?
I love that you worry.
I texted you, like,
37,000 times.
Happy hour had a happy ending.
I made out with
the hello hottie.
You're giving me that same look
you gave me when I told you
Whole foods stopped carrying
chocolate-chip bagels.
It's just...
Since when do you go around
kissing random guys?
It's not random.
He's from the upper east side.
And he invited me
to his parents' place
- For Shabbat on Friday night.
- We never do the east side.
Whoa, since when?
And you're not even Jewish.
But I could be.
We're 21st-century new yorkers.
We don't believe in god.
We don't believe in anything.
Whoa, I don't
not believe in anything.
I believe in the no-kiss list
And coconut cupcakes.
And I believe in you.
Snuggle me.
Since when do you actually
go around kissing boys?
Since there's actually some
super cute boys for me to kiss.
But in high school,
you never even...
High school, shmigh school.
Okay. In high school,
My sexuality
was purely hypothetical.
College gay's different.
Now, I can, like...
Actually meet guys.
Lots of guys.
So... Now you're, like...
Totally gay?
I've always been totally gay.
Of course.
I mean... Obviously.
But nothing has to change,
I mean,
we're still Naomi and ely?
Of course
we're still Naomi and ely.
Now, we're just Naomi
and ely plus boys.
Beddy-bye time.
I lie to everyone.
But mostly...
I think I lie to myself.
Closer. Closer.
And say "Carrie".
- Both: Carrie.
- Thanks.
So tell me, are you gonna
do it with Bruce 2?
Yet to be determined.
You've been dating for,
like, a month
Which translates to, like,
a year in college time,
And you're still doing things
that end with "alking"
Instead of things
that end in "ucking."
What are you waiting for?
I don't know.
If I get chocolate,
would you go coconut?
Mmm, I want it all.
But here's a thing...
he's, "a,"
- Kind of obsessed with me.
- Right.
- "B," Canadian.
- Yes.
And "C," a Bruce,
which is just kind of...
- Redundant.
- I was thinking more vanilla.
- Mm-hmm. Oh, my god.
- Ooh, speaking of.
- But...
- Yeah?
He tells me I'm his muse,
which is interesting, no?
Ooh. That's nice.
That's nice.
Anyways, I told him to pick me
up at the building tonight.
So you, like, actually like him?
I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I do.
And like you said,
we're in college anyway.
So, I mean, there's no reason
we shouldn't do it.
Well, what do you think?
Would you kill me if
I'm too strung out for sugar?
Read my mind much?
Yeah, home.
Can I help you?
I'm here to pick up Naomi?
You must be Bruce 2.
O, Canada
That's you, big guy.
Naomi will be right down.
She is just bleaching
her lady beard.
Girl was looking
borderline Frida Kahlo.
So not pretty.
I like that.
It's nice.
Hello, everyone.
How are we doing?
Bruce 1, meet Bruce 2.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So what are we all doing here?
We're waiting for Naomi.
What about Naomi?
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, uh, you set?
- Yeppers.
- Let's fly.
He's... Coming, too.
Okay, I know, I know, I know,
I shouldn't love a girl
Who toys so carelessly
with other people's emotions,
Especially mine,
but it's not like my brain
Has the ability
to overrule my heart.
And other parts of your anatomy.
Oh, my god, George,
that's so funny.
That's so funny.
You're such a good comedian.
You're making a penis joke.
Is that you're closer now?
God, we're talking
about real things here.
Adult feelings.
You wouldn't understand, George.
Okay, the perfect bill Murray
binge-watching weekend
Has gotta be "ghostbusters,"
"groundhog day," "rushmore,"
"caddyshack," "what about bob,"
And to end in tears,
"lost in translation."
- I love it!
- Amazing.
I'm telling you,
I've seen it a million times.
He says, "I'll always remember
these past few days with you."
Okay. Naomi,
let's set this boy straight.
At the end
of "lost in translation,"
Bill Murray pulls scar-jo in
and whispers,
"I have to be leaving,
But I won't let
that come between us."
Come on. Right?
There's this film festival
going on up at Lincoln center.
- We could go.
- No, ely and I don't go above 14th street.
You know what,
I have a better idea.
Let's go.
Grab me.
I put on some make-up
I turn on the 8-track
I'm pulling my wig
down from the shelf
I'm miss Farrah Fawcett
From TV
Until I wake up
And I turn back to myself
Shag, bi-level,
bob, Dorothy Hamill do
Sausage curl, chicken wing,
it's all because of you
With your blow-dried,
Toni home wave too
Flip, for, frizz, flop,
it's all because of you
t's all because of you,
it's all because of you
Thank you. Oh!
Ely: Yeah! That was amazing!
Oh, my god, you were amazing.
I loved that one part
when you were doing the thing.
When you were crawling
across the table.
- Did you like that?
- So sexy.
There's your little buddy?
Oh, my god, I know you.
Can I get your autographs?
That was insane.
I'm beat.
Ely, homeward bound, darling.
Oh, daddy is hoping
for a hot hook-up
Somewhere in this big bad city.
Hold up.
Are you ditching me?
Uh, girl, I thought you two
were gonna bump the uglies.
Oh, right, we are.
We so are.
Um, hey, you know,
you could, like,
Definitely come back
to dorm room if you wanted.
Be good, you two.
But not too good, huh?
Get some.
- Bye!
- Bye!
Woman: something's
happening to me, ooh
something's happening to me
I feel myself changing
- face it
- nice robe.
What I want, what I want
what I want, what I want,
Do you maybe wanna, like...
I don't know, take your top off?
Do you want me to?
Um, if you want to?
- Okay. Sure.
- All right.
Ooh. Victory.
Wow. Um...
Is... is that from choice?
You gotta see this video
of these ferrets on youtube...
Oh, shit.
Apologies. Proceed.
- You wanna watch a movie?
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh, monkeys.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
This is embarrassing.
Thank you. Tampon.
So, what, your college Bruce
Couldn't you help you
carry these?
Is that your girlfriend?
She must be really pretty.
Obviously, she's pretty...
Gina was my mother's name.
I took this gig
when she got sick.
I had to work nights
so I could take care her
When my dad was working.
Package for...
Thank you.
Just a little clumsy today
I guess.
Thanks, yeah,
I'll sign for that.
Bills, bills, boring bills.
What is this?
I have no idea.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Curious George,
did you happened to see
Who put this archaic contraption
in here?
Naomi: Mom?
Mom? Mom!
Have you gone non-linear?!
- What are you doing?
- Oh, hi, honey.
What the hell are you doing
with a freaking sledgehammer?
The closet wall...
he had his and her closets,
- And there's no need for two anymore.
- Holy shit.
- And that's why I thought I'd make one giant open space.
- Shit.
I've thinking of pursuing
interior design.
Maybe you should stick
to jewelry.
K. Flay: little did I know she
would get so crazy so fast
so maybe I'll get baked
on the daily
put my feet up,
let my mind go hazy
little did I know
shit would get this gnarly
this quickly,
I hardly had time to think
no time to think
if you're mad, fed up,
find a bone to pick
and if you wanna get laid,
then don't commit...
Ely? Ely!
it's all downhill...
Hell will freeze over before
we come up with the money
To pay for that wall.
If you need help, I can be
a kind of a... Handyman.
My folks split up,
and I came unglued
and I haven't really
slept that well since then
staring at alarm clocks
on my nightstands...
I have to find ely.
Sampling loops
like they're dim sum
tell myself I think I can,
little engine
but sometimes seems
like it's all been done
I wanna end
on a good note...
Ely, I hate you.
Pick up your phone.
Think I'll stay in bed
I wanna end on a good note
but, damn, I misspoke
I'm here with ely.
Yeah? You and everybody else.
- Really?
- Really.
Put my feet up,
let my mind go hazy
little did I know shit
would get this gnarly
this quickly, I hardly
had time to think,
unh-unh, no time to think
if you want nice eyes,
wear maybelline
if you need a new friend,
pick Rachel Greene
if you wanna act wild,
go make a scene
getting paid over here,
baby, ching-a-ling
if you're scared to propose,
then save the ring
and if you can't get it up
when you lay the D
well, I suggest
you switch your mind state
when people ask you
how it's going
just say I'm great
okay, well, I suggest you
switch your mind state
when people ask you how
it's going
just say I'm great,
I'm great
Not bad.
Oh, my god.
Naomi, you're here.
You are the hottest.
Way to go awol on me.
I'm so sorry.
You know I'm always ready
to dance with you.
Come here.
Come on.
Oh, yeah, girl.
You got it.
By the way,
thanks for the retro tape.
The cassette in my mailbox?
Where would I
even get a cassette?
If not you, then who?
Bruce 2? Ooh.
Hey, there.
Hey, excuse me.
My night was a total bust.
You know, it's one thing
to pull that ely crap
With someone else,
but with me, seriously?
No, he crossed the line.
You know what I think?
He's just jealous.
Of what?
Of us.
Not that he should be.
Hey, are you okay?
God, you're beautiful.
Hey, do you think I could crash
here this weekend?
I just definitely don't think
I can deal
With going back to the building.
- Mmm.
- Please?
Only 'cause you're so damn cute.
So rumor has it
that you spent the weekend
Shacked up at Bruce's.
Things, like,
heating up with you guys?
You kidding me?
We barely made it to second
base, which is fine by me.
Oh, yes, just the robin
I was looking for.
Robin, my name twin.
This place is like a total maze,
And I got this philosophy paper
due maana.
Well, it's organized
alphabetically by subject.
Hey, robin, maybe since you...
you know,
You work in the library,
you could...
You could robin out
with his research.
Oh, right.
Robin, um, would you, like,
want me to help you?
Uh, yeah.
That would be sweet.
Yeah, major gratitude.
Um, so hit me up
when you get off?
- Okay.
- All right, yeah.
Get you ladies
on the flippity-floppy.
Later, brah.
He-robin definitely wants you.
- He does?
- Sure.
He just doesn't know it yet.
First thing's first.
Just because
you work in a library
Does not mean that you have to
dress like a librarian.
When you make plans to help him,
you gotta say something like,
"it's a date,"
and then when you're together,
You gotta make
some physical contact.
Physical contact?
Like where?
This is fun.
Work study is far from fun.
No, I mean, like, you and me
Doing girl talk, you know?
Never done it.
All my life, it's been all ely.
I mean throw in a Bruce
or two, but..
The girl quotient's
always been zero.
Well, I'm really glad
to be of service.
Robyn, what's sex like?
You're a virgin?
No way.
This is a library.
What about Bruce 2?
I don't know, is...
Bruce really the one?
Well, he doesn't have to be
the one to be the first one.
Do you know how much easier
my life would be
If ely noticed my looks
in the "wow,
Naomi's boner hot," way
and not in the,
"those stilettos I picked out
for Naomi are great," way?
Ely is gay.
And that's never gonna change.
I know.
Hey, Naomi.
what are you doing here?
Bug, where have you been
all my life?
Where have I been?
Where have you been?
We'll catch up.
Can't, I have to meet
with my advisor.
Worst, but back
at the building later?
- Are you there?
- Oh, I can't.
La paella with my Spanish club.
Since when do we join things?
Since now, I guess?
So suddenly college means
we don't see each other?
Sorry. I gotta catch this.
Hey, yeah,
No, I'll be there in a sec.
I gotta go.
- See you never?
- I love you.
Meeya more.
Don't forget.
Halloween shopping.
Hey, yeah, so I'm on my way
right... Now.
You're no longer alone
and we found a space
to name our own
and there ain't no need
to fret or fuss
we've got all the strength
we need in the shape of us
in the shape of us...
There you are.
n the shape of us
- We rolling?
- Yeah.
Just know, I watched five men
trip over themselves
Checking you out
While you merely glared at them.
Your beauty,
Do you use it for good or evil?
But don't worry, you're safe.
People make the mistake
Of letting beauty guide
My father fell for my mother
the first time he saw her.
But he eventually tossed aside
the beauty myth
For the very real lesbian
across the hall.
Then the lesbian remembered
she was lesbian.
So dad left, and...
Mom decided to hide her beauty
underneath the bedcovers.
No shit.
No shit.
Now that I've proved to you
that I'm worthy of your trust
let us build a world
in the shape of us...
Hey, this is Naomi.
You know you want to.
Leave a message.
I cannot be the guy
who leaves three voicemails.
Let me guess, Naomi's
either late or she forgot.
Can I offer you a drink?
Um, no, I'm all right.
Good, I hear brandy
can get you into trouble.
Who's brandy?
My mother's brandy.
I didn't think you had
a mom named brandy?
I don't.
She's more Jennie.
I'm sorry,
you don't get that joke.
- That's weird, oh, my god.
- I guess.
Wait, do you keep your porn
in mint condition?
But it's a bit more
embarrassing than that.
Oh, x-men?
Yeah, I know I should have
gotten rid of those,
- Like, a long time ago.
- Are you kidding me?
Can I open it?
Yeah, go ahead.
That's cool.
Man, the x-men were, like,
pivotal heroes for me.
The other superheroes, they have
their normal alter egos,
You know, the Clark Kents
and the Bruce Waynes
- To hide behind.
- Yeah.
X-men are different.
They're always exactly
who they are.
Yeah, I mean, like,
wolverine can't shave,
Put on a tie and then go to work
at a newspaper the next day.
Yeah, exactly, cyclops
can't take off a cape
And attend fancy dinner parties.
These mutants
are full-time mutants.
their powers and weaknesses
- Are all out in the open.
- Yeah.
Are you a mutant?
I can roll my tongue.
- Oh, yeah.
- that's good.
Thank you.
I have a microscopic
third nipple.
- Oh, where is this we must...
- no!
I like you.
Don't sound so surprised.
God, I can't even imagine
what you must think of me.
Naomi has told me
a lot of stories.
I bet.
- But...
- Oh, man.
I like you better in person.
It's funny.
I think I've always liked
Naomi's version of me best.
Maybe you're mistaken.
I shouldn't have done that.
Nope, nope. Okay.
Sorry, no, no, no, no, no,
I should not have done that.
I mean, I really
shouldn't have done that.
You shouldn't have.
I wanted to.
I did, too.
So, call me Carmen San Diego,
but I'm beginning to think
That b2 is not the man
behind my mystery mix.
What do you mean?
Well, I finally got my hands
on a tape player.
Pervy Mr. Mcallister
has one of course
Because he's still living
in a different century.
And it turns out my music man's
taste in tunes is pretty epic.
And I can only hope
it's not Bruce 1,
Which leaves only one
dark course in the running.
He has access,
and he's in a band.
So he knows good music.
Naomi do you really think
you should be getting
This excited over a guy,
What about Bruce 2?
What's with you today?
Nothing. I'm good.
Are we still set
on Sid and Nancy?
Oh, so set.
I love us on Halloween.
You'll look for me,
I'll look for you?
- Done.
- Awesome.
Hey, you.
Yeah, looks great.
Try it on.
Are you snacking on stupid?
I was obviously joking.
Since when do we endorse
camel toe?
Ely what is wrong with you?
I have to tell you something.
- Are you moving out of the building?
- No, no, I...
I kissed Bruce 2.
I'm sure, whatever.
No, I mean, like,
I really did kiss him.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it
more than I do.
Just thinking...
You know,
You never put him
on the no-kiss list.
- So it was...
- yeah, well, I didn't put your grandma Gertie
On the list either.
Some things are just obvious.
And Bruce 2 is not exactly
your type.
Yeah, you're right.
Look it was stupid,
It was... we were just
in the moment and like...
This is amazing.
Prepare to be jealous, people.
How much for this one?
Oh, my god.
Naomi, you picked today
of all days
To be only eight minutes late.
Trick or treat.
I was in the neighborhood.
No, you weren't.
I'm glad you weren't.
Come in.
- I'm... I'm sorry.
- For?
For coming here so late.
For wanting to see you.
It's okay.
Get in the room.
Go, go, go, go!
This is the first place
she's gonna look.
Uh... Get in the closet.
I'm sorry.
This door doesn't close.
Just go to the back and put
something over your face.
Chill, Naomi.
Where the fuck were you?
That belt...
Is offensive on you.
No, no. You're just saying that
because you wanna wear it.
But your outfit's way better
than mine, come on.
Face it, ely, tonight,
That baby's calling
this waist mama.
We share everything, right?
Are you at least ready to go?
Do you mind if Bruce comes up?
He's downstairs.
I ran into him on my way
to the laundry room.
The first, not your cheap-thrill
cheating partner.
All right, Naomi,
that's not fair.
Wait a sec.
You make out with my boyfriend,
and I'm not being fair?
You know what, I don't know
what I'm talking about, okay?
Let's just go.
All right.
I guess you're right.
Let's motor.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Got it!
Shit! You know what?
I forgot something.
- What did you forget?
- My dick.
You can't possibly expect me
to go anywhere
Without my dick, right, Naomi?
Two secs, meet me in the lobby?
No, not in the lobby.
I'll wait here.
Please stay.
I want you to stay.
I don't...
This isn't some cheap thrill,
and it's...
I'm definitely not
screwing with your mind.
I don't know what this is.
But it's not that.
I'll be back soon okay?
Wait, um... Gum.
Say you forgot gum.
- Hey.
- Got your dick?
Got your dick, Naomi?
If I did, would it get me
anywhere with you?
Hold up.
Bruce 2,
the prodigal son of dentists,
Only chews sugar-free gum.
Bruce 2 is an orbit man,
But ely is bubble yum's bitch.
Since when do you chew orbit?
Since gaga replaced Madonna.
Why do you care?
Why did you really go back
to the apartment?
Told you, Helen Keller.
Are you sure you didn't leave
anything else upstairs?
Like what?
Like your balls
to go along with your dick.
Language, gene Harlow.
Buy your own damn drinks
tonight, ely.
It's time for a changing
of the guard.
Come on, Bruce, let's take
cutie patootie for a walk.
Are we going out tonight
or what?
Have fun with whatever it is
you're lying to me about.
Because I've changed
my mind, ely,
I don't wanna go to a stupid
NYU party with you tonight.
Is this about Bruce?
- What's about me?
- Not you, the other Bruce.
- Oh, is he coming with us, too?
- Why don't you ask ely?
I just thought he was with you
when he went upstairs earlier.
Looks like colonel bastard's
upstairs in Ely's bedroom
With a candlestick.
Listen, I was always
gonna go with you okay?
You are my top priority.
That's brilliant, ely.
I am so flattered to know
that you put my needs
Over the needs of my boyfriend!
Well, I think it's safe to say
he's not your boyfriend anymore.
No, let go of me!
I like him.
I really do.
Is that why you're hiding him?
Because you like him so much?
Do you really wanna know
why I'm hiding him?
Because I'm afraid of you.
Let's just take a chill pill.
Let's breathe in...
Shut up, George!
I need your jacket.
Come on, Bruce, I wanna dance
with somebody who loves me.
- Cutie patootie!
- It's cutie pie...
Shut up.
Have fun!
Hey, uh, Naomi?
Uh, I think I lost cutie pie.
Wanna play Candyland?
Wow, life in the big city.
Whoa, look at that navel.
Well, where's your other half?
Isn't it like some law
that if you're out
In the middle of the night,
the ely appendage is with you?
It's kind of a touchy subject.
A quick recap...
what happened is Naomi
And Bruce 2 are over,
and now Bruce 2 is with ely.
Wait, Bruce and ely are...
Yeah, it's pretty crazy,
you know, ely and Bruce 2.
She was just too good
for him anyway, though.
Everyone in the building's
been saying that for weeks...
Bruce, could you just leave us?
I'll call you.
Or you call me
when you're done with...
Yeah, have your girl time.
Just call me.
Whoa, ely and...
I mean, are you okay?
You know, I don't even care
if I was Bruce 2's
Gay learning curve,
That we're so indifferent
that we're not even bothering
With an official breakup.
But I do care that my
best friend is the reason.
I know it's
a big bad world out there
With war and injustice
and global warming
And people clubbing baby seals.
I'm sorry.
I care most about
the Naomi and ely bubble.
I love him.
Friend or brother or...
Whatever shade of ely.
You must think
I'm so totally pathetic.
I guess I just thought that...
That someone as beautiful
and confident as you
Would never feel
as crappy as the rest of us.
No offense.
None taken.
- Sorry to disappoint.
- No.
It makes you...
It's a good thing.
Whoa, Naomi.
What's got you
all "girl interrupted"?
Nice costume, robin.
Yeah, thanks.
Same to you, robin.
Gabriel's shift just ended.
His band is playing
in the west village in 30.
Let's look him up, robins.
But... oh, god,
what am I gonna wear?
- This isn't a costume.
- Let's go.
- I feel like a blueberry.
- I love blueberries.
Upside down
My whole world is changing
spinning round
and out of control
I should be letting go
still I'm holding on
to you
because I'm damned if I do
Damned if I don't
drowning with you
And stranded alone
give me the deep, dark,
deep blue sea you see
give me the deep blue sea
Don't leave me stranded
Are you sure
you don't wanna stay?
I kind of want to meet him.
Not tonight.
Let's just go.
Hey, Naomi!
Hey, you came.
Thank you so much.
That's so awesome.
It's last call.
Do you want a drink?
You want to get out of here?
Let me buy you breakfast.
Come on.
Eggs, bacon.
My treat.
I don't really believe in bacon.
Oh, well,
I'm a mueslix man myself.
You know, I'm just not
really feeling well.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
Come on.
See you later.
Hey, Gabriel.
let me tell you, baby
what it is I'm looking for
ain't more than a little bit
so if you got it, baby,
I'll adore you
Flash that smile for me
And a personalit-y-y
s enough for me
t don't take that much
to please me
t's easy
For you to please me
all you got to do is
pay attention, baby
it's easy
oh, to please me, yeah
So Gabriel, George,
Mr. Mcallister and I
Have all decided that we're
team Naomi, obviously.
But we kindly allowed you
to keep Mrs. Loi.
- What?
- But not the dog.
Okay, "Naomi and Ely's
new york custody agreement.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
"Thou shall not use
the laundry room on Sundays."
"thou shalt avoid
yaffa cafe completely."
Instead try Starbucks
on Astor place.
Thou shalt not go to magnolia,
"thou shalt look through
your peephole and make sure
That I am not in a foyer when
you were going to the elevator.
Thou shalt go
and check your mail
If you see me waiting
at the elevator lobby.
Thou shalt go straight
to the elevator
If you see me checking
my mail."
You need to leave.
- I'll leave when you close the door.
- I'm twice your size.
- Leave now.
- Just close the door.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Give me your hand.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't phrased
like freaking ten commandments
But it was like, "if you see me
going to the elevator,
Go check your mail.
If you go check your mail,
go to the elevator."
- Can I get a pretzel?
- Like it's just...
I'm sorry,
I'm stuck on incomprehension
And just, I don't understand
how something
Could last so long
and be so strong
And just end over nothing,
you know what I mean?
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
Not nothing, okay?
That came out entirely wrong.
No more Naomi talk, all right?
Okay? Promise.
Come on.
And you know that pretzel's
mine, right?
Oh, really?
Aren't toes funny?
Really, Naomi?
I know what you're doing.
And that skirt
hasn't fit since 2010.
It's 5:00 am.
Maybe you should go to bed.
Fighting with ely
is so exhausting.
It is against the co-op board
rules to nap on the lobby sofa.
Ugh, co-op board,
shmo-op board.
Come on, please,
just let me sleep out here.
What kind of trouble
Did you get yourself
into last night?
My backup friend robin and I...
What is that, backup friend?
She's in my psych class,
and we got all dressed up
To try and get into this party
with these awful girls.
Ugh, you would have hated them.
And the rest is kind of...
Blurry from there.
When is the room
gonna stop spinning?
You'll feel better
in the morning.
Actually, no, that's not true.
You're gonna feel worse.
- What?
- Yeah, you'll feel better in the afternoon, though.
- Okay, good.
- Actually, I don't know that for sure, though.
You can't even
be honest with me!
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a doorman.
Listen, I know you think
all this crap with ely
Is like the worst thing
that ever happened.
But there's a lot more out there
for you than you realize.
If you're ready for it.
By the way, um,
what was your favorite song?
The mix tape.
Did you like it?
That was you.
Oh, I hoped it was you.
All right, okay,
get out of here, come on.
Good night, Gabriel.
- Good night.
- You know what?
You're not a bad face
to see first thing.
Good night.
What are you doing here?
Checking my mail.
I told you not to do this.
No, Naomi, see,
you didn't tell me anything.
Telling requires
actual vocal contact.
What you did is you wrote a list
and said I shouldn't do this.
Come on, Naomi,
this is so silly.
It's a shit storm of giggles.
You know what?
No, look, look, look...
No, you look!
You blew it!
You totally blew it!
You had me... you really had me...
Buying into this whole
cult of ely you created.
My god,
stop lying to yourself, Naomi.
You never cared about Bruce.
You just like the attention.
I'll plead guilty if I have to,
but I don't feel guilty.
That's right, ely,
'cause life's a musical, right?
You're the star of the show,
the life of the party.
God forbid you should
actually feel anything
Or realize that
there are consequences
To your shittiest actions!
You know what?
You're exactly like my dad.
No, Naomi.
I am nothing like your dad.
I can't help the fact
that you can't handle change.
It's not always gonna
be the same forever, Naomi.
It's not always
gonna be you and me.
That doesn't change the way
that I feel about you.
Please, ely, that is so cheap.
Grow up, Naomi!
If you can't start
facing reality,
You might as well crawl into bed
and pull the covers up tight
Because you know what?
You are on the express train to
becoming exactly like your mom.
You're no good for me, ely.
I am tattooing you at the top
of my no-kiss list.
I should have always
been tattooed
At the top of your
no-kiss list, Naomi.
God, give me a break.
I'll give you a break.
A clean one.
Let's just do this
once and for all.
Yaffa cafe, Sunday, be there.
Did you not get my...
my texts?
You're so passive-aggressive now
that you won't even answer me.
Not gonna talk to me?
Naomi: If I say now
what I really feel,
Naomi and ely really never
will be Naomi and ely again.
Let's get this over with.
This is your shit.
Your turn.
Don't take back the belt.
That's the red glitter belt.
If I keep it...
If you offer it...
Why don't you keep that?
...Then maybe there's hope.
You know, why don't you...
why don't you just keep it all?
You can...
you can have all of it.
You really have nothing to say?
I miss you, ely.
I just, uh...
I don't wanna believe
That you would give this...
All up over a guy.
I'd talk to you
if you weren't proud
and I'd run to you
if you weren't running away
we are perfect in the past
tomorrow crashed in
oh-so fast
our forever couldn't last
or did you change...
Morning, baby.
Mom, it's 4:00 pm.
I got you a latte.
We're still $200 short.
So they won't put
the electricity back on.
I really need to talk to you.
Dad, where are you?!
Is everything all right in here?
Yo, dude.
You're bleeding.
So what are you doing here?
Escape the residents.
Sometimes I, uh, sneak a smoke.
Okay, okay.
That's the best I can do.
You're really sweet,
you know that?
No, I'm not that sweet.
You are to me.
- I don't think this is...
- no, it's okay.
If ely doesn't believe
in the no-kiss list,
- Neither do I.
- Naomi, you're upset.
And I think this is
one of these things...
Don't tell me.
Doorman's code of conduct?
No, it's the gentleman's
code of conduct.
Maybe we should have, like,
dinner and a movie?
You really are a crappy doorman.
We'll get there.
Woman: I can see through the
smoke on the side of the road
what it could have been
lost and scattered,
in pieces
swear that I swore no more
of this collision course
but then I go again
lost and scattered,
in pieces
wrecked the promises
and torn all the past
heart's so broken,
I can't help but laugh
but I can't turn
away from this
so I crash and burn
into your kiss
but I flip that switch
and go for it
'cause life's
a roadside...
Oh! Oh, my god!
Aah! Oh! Oh, my god!
So I crash and burn
into your kiss
but I flip that switch
and go for it...
A person who sins.
No. It's a person
who pursues pleasure.
That's the same thing.
That's the same thing.
A person who pursues pleasure
is a sinner.
Why would they also be pursuing
pleasure if not to sin?
- I get the point.
- "capricious."
- Capricious means...
- so long, capricious.
"Capricious" means
picking up shit, conveniently.
I'm never gonna know
the meaning of that word now.
maybe I should
walk to the top
'cause I can see through the
smoke on the side of the road
what never could have been
I can't turn away from this
so I crash and burn
into your kiss...
I lost my train of thought
because I did that amazing kick.
Did you see that?
With the little towel?
Oh, Naomi
Naomi, you're so fine
just like summer wine
Nao... Mi
Busted what, though?
I'm tuning a guitar.
Is that what you were doing?
Yeah, I don't play the guitar.
I'm not a songwriter.
That's weird,
I thought I heard my name.
- No.
- Being sung. By you.
- Don't think so.
- That didn't happen?
Little red riding hood
with your basket,
What's in there?
Well, I made a feast.
Wanna partake?
I have a better idea.
What are we doing?
you've never done before.
Woman on pa:
Brooklyn-bound F.
47th st,
Rockefeller center next.
Stand clear of the doors.
Man: I shot
straight as an arrow...
Oh, my god, what planet is that?
This is amazing.
And this is a park.
It's like
in the middle of Manhattan.
- Is it, like, central?
- Central?
- Yes, it is, it's central.
- Wow!
- Why would I hate it?
- I don't know.
Maybe you've been to a million
castles, I don't know.
I actually have never been
to a castle in my life.
- I'm beyond excited.
- Okay.
Is there a princess living here?
Soon, in a few seconds.
- Aw!
- Okay! All right!
- That was too good.
- Stop.
Like, look at the view.
Look at that.
It's gorgeous.
Let's go over here.
- Where?
- Right over here.
A gazebo!
Gabriel: So I think we should
find somewhere really
Sort of secret but just off,
you know,
Somewhere kind of hidden away.
Why, you wanna make out?
Ew, gross.
Why would I wanna do that?
No way.
Oh, no, this isn't looking good.
No, it's really good.
- Lies!
- It's not lies.
You hate it!
You're washing it down.
I'm not washing it.
You know, princesses
don't know how to cook anyway.
My love,
love is beginning...
Do you remember how
my first night on the job
Was your graduation day?
I do.
I watched you and ely
cuddle up on the lobby sofa
In your gowns until dawn.
Yeah, that seems
like a long time ago.
That first night...
Felt like the first day...
Of the end of my life.
But that sight
of your dimpled smile,
That laugh...
Oh, god.
...Gave me the smallest
glimmer of hope.
And that was all I needed.
Love is beginning now
oh, oh, oh
love is beginning now
oh, oh, oh
love is beginning now
oh, oh, oh
love is beginning now
There he is.
I, uh...
I think I came out to my mother.
Oh, Bruce.
What happened?
I don't know,
we were having breakfast,
And she asked me what was
going on with that Naomi girl.
I said, it was kind of over,
And, god, I could have
just left it at that.
Only I didn't wanna lie.
So I said, I've been
spending a lot of time
With this guy ely.
And then I added,
"he's my kind of boyfriend."
What did she say?
She said, um,
"does this mean you're gay?"
And I said, "no.
It just means
I'm not straight."
And then the morning
just continued.
She didn't say "I love you."
And she didn't say
"I hate you."
Is that your, uh...
is that your documentary?
Um, yeah.
I lied to ely when I told him
I forgive his mom
For what happened
between our parents.
But I'm happy for him that
they're working things out.
Even though mine aren't.
I don't think it was dad
choosing a lesbian over mom
That most damaged her sense
of her...
Own... Femininity.
I think it was...
Losing her marriage to a woman
she called friend.
Next question.
I am such an asshole.
Today, we will be
exploring the theory
Of the unfulfillable
female desire for a phallus
As envisioned by Freud.
Is there something funny
you'd like to share
With the entire class?
I'm sorry.
The theory of the unfulfillable
female desire for a phallus...
I've been broken up
with ely for 36 days,
Nine hours, and seven minutes.
I'm actually okay.
But still sometimes...
All the time...
I miss him.
Look, I know that
I think that culottes are neat
And that I say "neat."
Remind me again why you and ely
are still fighting.
Are you gonna hold onto
this forever?
Naomi: How could I be in college
and be so dumb?
I've been holding on
to the Naomi and ely fantasy,
But that's just it.
It was a fantasy.
Ely was just being who he is.
And I love who ely is.
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
Naomi, what the...
what the...
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
He's not coming back!
I know.
I know.
I can't keep avoiding my former
best friend across the hall.
And you can't keep clinging on
to the memories of dad.
At some point...
We have to let go.
I was afraid of that.
Me too.
Naomi: There's no way for me
to know if he can find me here.
I didn't call.
I didn't text.
I left it up
to that old connection,
That old friendship sense.
That and I left the red
glitter belt on his front door.
You found me.
You think, uh, we still add up?
I think that we should
get married right here.
We're never getting married.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
For everything.
Bruce, huh?
Wouldn't it figure
that the first time
That you're in love and in
a monogamous relationship,
It would be with my boyfriend.
You know, it was Gabriel
who made me the mix tape.
He makes me these amazing mixes
And I'm so supposed to find
the hidden meaning
And make him one back.
Which I'm not very good at.
Are we okay?
Yeah, we're okay.
We're where we need to be.
I really love you.
Meeya more.
- It's a playlist.
- Flash drive?
Um, I have really bad taste
in music.
Like me anyway?
'Cause I really think
I could like you, too.
All right, well, let's see here.
Bon Jovi...
And Britney spears.
I tried to warn you.
Oh, boy.
I'm coming for you.
Man: is to hold on
when you get love
and let go when you give it
give it
Whoo, how's it going, buddy?
- What's with you?
- Just aced my sats.
So you might want to take these.
Start studying now.
That's my suggestion.
Hey, jealous
about Naomi and Gabriel?
I do not care.
Oh, you're jealous.
He's jealous.
t might help you
through the nighttime
but it doesn't
make it easy...
to leave the party
at the right time
if I'm frightened,
if I'm high
What you up to?
I'm watching a movie
on my computer.
Which one?
"Breakfast at Tiffany's."
Come on.
You know
I'm crazy about Tiffany's.
Get in here.
Naomi: It's bullshit
to think of friendship
And romance as being different.
They're not.
They're just variations
of the same love,
Variations of the same desire
to be close.
And like any love,
it's difficult, awesome,
Treacherous, exhilarating,
and... Precious.
So what are you up to later?
Dinner with Bruce.
It's our four-month
that's new for me.
What about you?
Gabriel scored a sweet new gig
at Webster hall.
Yeah, guess that makes me
a groupie.
Want any hard advice?
I think I like figuring
this one out...
On my own.
So how's art class, hmm?
Tell me.
It's going pretty be good.
Yeah? I mean...
Naomi: It's a total lie
to say there's only one
Special person
you're gonna be with
For the rest of your life.
If you're lucky...
And if you try really hard...
There will always be
more than one.
from the dark
with you above me
take the weakest thing
in you
and then beat
the bastards with it
and always hold on
when you get love
so you can let go
when you give it
give it give it, give it
give it, give it, give it
Man and woman:
lions and tigers and bears, oh, my
there's no fear
when I look in your eyes
'cause that's the way we are
that's the way we are
pigeons and chickens
and squirrels that fly
clouds that look like
bolts in the sky
oh, everywhere we are
everywhere we are
we could go to the moon
in a hot-air balloon
we could go to my room
we can go real soon
we could go where it snows
Both: we could shave our heads
and go to new Mexico
mm, mm, mm, mm, mm
I've got rain
on my shoes
I am broken
I am bruised
I can't see
where I am
I'm so tired
I can't stand
but I
I believe
give or take
I don't care
catch a break
or a tear
throw me out
let me go
and tell me I'll
never know
but I
I believe
I don't know
what to do
am I her?
am I you?
I may rage
I may run
it's not hard
but it's fun
and I am all over
the place
it's a dance
it's a race
I feel high
I feel low
there is one thing
I kno-o-o-o-w
I belie-e-e-ve
I believe
I believe, I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe