Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic (2015) Movie Script
[light ukulele music]
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat rock music]
Thank you.
Wow.
[cheers and applause continue]
Wow.
So--thank you.
Thank you.
Very kind.
All right, all right.
It's, uh, you know...
I'll be honest with you.
I don't think the show's
gonna be as good as that.
Like, I think I will
let you guys down.
Thank you guys so much.
That was unbelievable.
You guys are great.
And, it's just,
you know, we've--
I feel like we've peaked,
so let's just get...
doing it, something?
All right.
[laughs]
I'm very excited to be here.
My name's Nate.
I'm married and stuff.
This is what marriage
feels like, by the way--
what it feels like in here
right now.
It's just one person talking,
and the other's like,
"I'm gonna get out of here."
It's...
[laughter]
That's...
[laughs]
We--I'm from Nashville,
and me and my wife,
we were in Nashville
last summer,
and we went out on the lake
with some of our friends.
And we were, like,
floating around in the water,
and there was a guy in a boat,
like, right next to us,
and my wife was like,
"Oh, that's my ex-boyfriend
in that boat."
Now,
I didn't know who he was,
so she didn't have to say that
at all, you know?
She was just basically like,
"Are you having fun?
'Cause I'd like
to put a stop to that."
[laughter]
"And make you stare at this guy
the rest of the day."
So I'm, like, staring at him,
and then I look at my wife,
and she's staring at him,
and I feel like
she's staring at him
to see what her life would
be like if she didn't marry me.
So I started staring at him,
'cause I'm like,
"I want to see
what my life would be like
if I didn't marry her,"
you know?
And we were putting--
we were putting
so much pressure on this guy.
And...
we--we stared at him
for a while.
He did nothing exciting at all,
and, uh, you know,
we looked back at each other
and just realized,
"You know what?
We don't have a boat.
That's the only difference."
My friends--
my friends were like,
"You should've went
and tried to fight him.
Why didn't you go fight him?"
And I was like,
"Well, I would've had
to swim over to that fight."
[laughter]
"So I don't know
how intimidating that is,
for a guy to see a head and a
life jacket floating his way."
And then I got to get
in the boat, you know?
Like, have you ever tried
to climb into a boat from water?
It's not aggressive.
It takes an hour
if no one is in the boat.
Like, if he's in there,
I'm never gonna get in.
I would need his help.
I'd be like, "Could you
help me into this boat?
I can't tell you why,
but I really need in this boat."
[laughter]
We have a daughter now,
and so it's getting--
you know, 2-year-old daughter--
it's getting pretty serious
between me and my wife now.
And it's--
I don't know.
I was living in New York
when my daughter was to be born.
She was not born here, though.
We flew home.
She was born in Tennessee.
I didn't want her to be born
in New York.
You know, I don't need her
growing up
thinking she's better than me.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, "You start
where we start, all right?
No one gets a leg up
in this family."
[laughter]
It's our first kid.
I don't know if we had a kid
too late in life.
Sometimes I wonder, like,
you know, I'm 35.
I was 33 when she was born,
and, like--
'Cause you ever ask someone
that has kids,
you're like, "When's
the best time of your life?"
They will say
before they have kids
or after their kids move out.
There's, like,
20 years they don't mention,
and that's when kids
were in their house.
So by the time my daughter
moves out, I'll be 53.
I'll be dead within hours.
So I've just pushed it
too far, you know?
Like, I should've
done it earlier.
Like, I watched that show
Teen Mom,
and I was like, "Man,
those girls are nailing it.
Like, that's what"--
[laughter and applause]
Just get it over with,
you know?
No one likes junior high
or high school anyway,
so just throw a kid in the mix.
Wrap it all up.
If I had my daughter at 13,
she'd be moved out right now.
Right now,
she'd already be gone.
[laughter and applause]
I will be excited, like--
I'll be excited when she goes--
like, when she goes to school,
like, to do homework
with her and stuff, you know?
'Cause it's like bonding,
and it's not gonna hurt for me
to do one more run-through.
[laughter]
Just one more pass.
None of it stuck for me.
I went to community college
for one year.
[person claps]
Do--yeah.
A couple of us?
Just me and this guy.
That's--did you go for longer
than a year?
Or one year too?
Or did you go to real college?
Couple years.
Oh, all right.
Valedictorian over here,
jeez.
[laughter]
Just...
I-I made it one.
And what's even more
embarrassing--
that I do not have a credit.
Literally, I do not have--
I have zero credits.
Do you have credits?
You got credits,
like, all of 'em?
Did you graduate
community college?
You think you're better than me?
No, just--
I just started to attack.
He's like, "I don't know."
It's easy, I think, to graduate.
Like, I--you know--
My loan was $40.
I just paid cash.
That's all.
I was like, "This is good."
He was like,
"That's more than enough."
I was all remedial classes,
which, remedial,
you know, it's like,
they just--they don't count.
None of 'em count,
so all my classes were outside.
Every one was outside.
We wouldn't even meet
inside the building.
We would just meet
at a picnic table outside,
'cause our teacher was like,
"Well, you guys
will all be working outside."
[laughter]
"We're gonna teach you
about weather, you know,
"and, like, we're gonna
teach you about morning dew,
"how to get your socks wet.
"You're gonna be getting up
pretty early
"the rest of your life.
"I hope you guys like sunrises,
because you're gonna see
a lot of 'em."
That's what remedial classes
are for.
They're a heads-up that
you're gonna do manual labor.
The assignments--
our teacher'd be like,
"All right,
so today's assignment is,
we're gonna help me move,
so..."
[laughter and applause]
It's--
[laughs]
I'm, like--
I'm pretty dumb.
I'm--like, you know,
I tell people I'm dumb.
I'm like, "Hey, I'm dumb."
And--but no one goes,
like, "Okay."
They're just always like,
"I bet you're not dumb."
And you're like, "Well, I'm
trying to help you out here.
"Uh, we're about
to have a conversation,
so I'm just trying
to give you a heads-up."
[laughter]
Here's a story--
I can prove it--
if I need to--
like I got to prove it.
Like, everybody's like,
"Now, we--yeah, you know.
We don't need proof."
Here's my proof,
is, when I was 15,
my first job was, in Nashville,
was at Opryland theme park.
We used to have
an amusement park,
and I was working,
and I'm sitting eating lunch,
and this couple sits down,
and we start talking and stuff.
I was like, "I'm Nate."
And the guy's like,
"I'm John.
This is my wife, Jane,"
and they--
their last name was Doe.
So it was John and Jane Doe.
And I was just like,
"That's the craziest thing."
Like, what are the odds
of that, you know?
Like, that's so crazy.
Couldn't believe it.
Cut to earlier this year.
I'm 35, I'm driving,
and I'm thinking
about John and Jane Doe.
And, you know,
I was like,
"I bet they were lying
to me about that."
[laughter and applause]
That's how long it took--
20 years--
for me to catch on to a joke
they wouldn't remember saying.
I don't think
they would remember it.
They'd be like,
"Maybe we did that."
Well, it worked.
It worked so good.
I tried to--
I tried to Google 'em,
'cause I was, like, "Maybe
they're not lying," you know?
"I'll find 'em
and go talk to 'em."
But I am sad to report
they were murdered.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's not good.
Yep.
[applause]
It's--
Like, I think of it like--
like time traveling.
Like, if I could go back
in time--
like, if I could go
back in time tonight
and go back to, like,
the '20s,
knowing everything
I know right now,
I don't think
I would make a difference.
[laughter]
I don't think you guys
would even hear about it.
I don't think you would.
I just don't--like, 'cause
I don't have anything to get--
You know, like I would go back,
and I would see, like,
some guy on a old phone,
and I would be like,
"Hey, eventually
they have phones
you, like, carry
in your pocket."
And they're like, "Yeah?"
It's like, "How do they do it?"
I'm like, "Phew, I mean,
I don't know how they do it."
[laughter and applause]
"Oh.
I think it's a satellite?
I think--a satellite?"
They're like,
"What's a satellite?"
"Oh, I shouldn't have
even said that, uh..."
[sighs]
"It's like metal--
"Metal's got to go
pretty high in the air.
I don't know
if you guys are doing"--
I don't even know if I could
prove I'm from the future.
I don't even think I could.
I think I would just get stuck,
'cause they would want
something.
Like,
"Who's the next president?"
"Oh, boy.
Uh...
"Ooh--
Abraham Lincoln.
You guys are gonna love him.
He's really good."
They'd just think
I'm from the past.
That's--they were like--
It would just look--
And then I'd have to get
a regular job.
I would just have to, like,
wait tables or something
in the '20s.
I would go back in time
and do worse
than I'm doing right now.
[laughter and applause]
[laughs]
I went and visited
my parents recently.
My parents have a real,
real, real fat cat.
It's real fat.
People point it out,
you know?
They walk in; they're like,
"Man, that cat's fat."
And it feels rude, you know,
like, "He doesn't speak English,
but we do,
so maybe don't say that."
And they're just--
you know, they're like,
"What are y'all feeding
this cat?"
You're like,
"Whatever you feed a cat, dude.
"Like normal cat food stuff.
We pour a bowl.
Like, if he eats eight birds
outside, he doesn't tell us."
[laughter]
You know, he's not like, "Oh,
I ate out tonight. I'm good."
And then they're like, "Well,
y'all should do something."
You're like, "What do you think
we're not doing?
"Do you think he has
a gym membership
and we don't drive him
to the gym?"
He's a cat.
That's his gym membership,
is, he's a cat.
I watched him jump
from the ground
on top of the refrigerator.
That's like if I jumped on top
of a school bus from the ground.
Like, if I--if I did that,
you're not gonna be like,
"Well, you still could lose
a little bit, you know."
[laughter]
Just keep doing
what you're doing.
I got to get in shape.
Not this shape.
This is not a good shape.
Something--I got to get--
really.
I thought--I was like,
"Oh, I'm doing an hour special.
That'll motivate me."
And here we are.
[laughter]
I tell people
I got to get back in shape.
I've never been in shape,
you know?
Like, most people are like,
"If I could go back to my 20s."
I would have to go back to 7.
If I could get back
to when I was 7,
I was just killing it.
I don't know how to work out.
For me,
a good workout would be--
walking to McDonald's
would be a great start.
You know,
maybe stand up and eat it.
See if that does something.
I ordered the P90X videos.
I thought I could do that.
Never worked out
a day in my life,
so let's do
what the Navy SEALs do.
[laughter]
You know why I ordered it?
'Cause in the commercial--
you know how they have, like,
a before body and after body?
In the--I was blown away
by the before body.
I thought that's
what you get to look like.
I was like,
"That guy looks great."
You know, "I would love
to look like him."
Then I saw the after body,
and I was like,
"Does the before body guy
have a DVD?
"'Cause that guy seems
more my speed, you know.
What did he do to get to that?
And I'll just do that."
Someone gave me an Under Armour
shirt to wear.
Have you ever wore
one of those?
It's, like, skintight.
It just shows the worst parts
of your body.
I look better without a shirt on
than with that shirt on.
[laughter]
You know in plastic surgery
how they draw markers on you?
They should just put you
in that shirt and be like,
"Obviously, you can see
what we're gonna go after."
[laughter and applause]
I'm lazy.
I can tell, like,
watching sports--
I was watching a football game,
and I'm sitting on my couch,
and I was gonna get something to
drink out of the refrigerator.
Right when I get up,
one guy--
one team kicked off
to the other team.
And before I could get back,
the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff
return, and I missed it.
The guy ran 100 yards
before I could get
3 to maybe 4 yards.
[laughter]
That guy also had 11 people
really trying not to let him
run 100 yards.
I had--I didn't even have
an ottoman in my way.
It was wide open.
[laughter]
I played sports growing up,
though.
I played baseball,
and one time when I was playing,
I'm up to bat;
I get walked.
So I go,
I take my base,
I get to first base,
I turn, and I look.
The catcher was still
holding the ball.
And, like, he wasn't--
you know,
he was staring at me, almost
like he's daring me to run,
like, "Why don't you see
if you can go?
I don't think you can go."
And I was like,
"I'm gonna go, all right?"
So I run to second.
He throws it to second,
overthrows second base,
goes in the outfield.
I run to third base.
They overthrow third base,
so my coach is, like, losing it,
like, telling me to go home.
Like, this is about to be
an inside-the-park home run
off a walk.
I'm about to be
onSportsCenter,you know?
Like, this is the biggest thing
that's ever happened in sports.
So I go.
I slide.
There's a play at the plate,
and then the umpire goes,
"It was only ball three."
[laughter and applause]
So I have to now get up.
I'm dirty,
for no reason, apparently.
I'm out of breath.
I got to pick my bat up,
exactly where I left it.
It's now three balls,
two strikes.
Next pitch,
immediately strike out.
Immediately strike out.
The umpire goes,
"Now you can go.
Yeah, you're fine."
I did learn something, though,
that day.
What I did learn was that
if you're confident, you can get
away with quite a bit, you know?
'Cause why didn't anybody
stop me?
No one stopped me.
No one--they knew I wasn't
supposed to be going.
But I was so confident
about it that
that's why the catcher
was holding the ball going,
"What? I don't--why's he--
Is he supposed
to be doing this?"
And then I run to second;
it's like,
"Well, no one's that much
of an idiot.
I guess I wasn't
paying any attention."
The ball goes in the outfield.
The outfield--
they're not looking.
They think it's a hit, you know,
for all they know.
And then I guess the umpire
at some point realizes it
and is just like--
well, it's easier for me
to get all the way back to him
to tell me.
At least let me feel
what it would feel like
to get an inside-the-park
home run off a walk.
I was thinking about, too,
like, all the parents
in the stands,
'cause, like, they can't hear
what's going on,
so they're just, like,
watching this,
and then I bat again.
Like, they're just like,
"I guess I don't
understand baseball.
"I thought I knew--
"It's just--baseball's changed
since I was a kid.
"Used to--you go around
like that, you're done.
"You don't have to get
back up there.
I don't like
these new rules."
[applause]
I drink too, which isn't--
like, you know,
that doesn't help.
[person claps]
Me and that guy drink.
We have pretty big problems
and...
Just us two.
[laughs]
It's--
I don't know.
I've had signs
that I should quit drinking.
One was, I did a show.
It was three hours outside
of Phoenix, Arizona.
It was at a Indian casino,
which I don't know
if you're supposed to say.
I'm not--
I don't know.
It's--
I don't know.
It was like--I don't know
what you're supposed to say.
It was a casino.
There was, like,
a crazy amount of Indians there,
and...so I--
[laughter]
I go.
I drive this three-hour drive
to the middle of nowhere.
I get there.
I do the show.
Then I was like,
"I'm gonna go to bed," you know?
Had to get up at 7:00 a.m.,
just be a normal person.
Then I'm meet
this cool Indian dude,
and we drink till 5:00 a.m.
So then I have to get up--
I sleep two hours, get up.
I'm walking outside
with my roller bag.
It's, like, 190 degrees.
I'm just questioning everything
I've ever done in my life.
I'm like,
"What are you doing, dude?"
And I look up,
and there's a wolf.
A real wolf,
just in front of my car,
just staring at me.
Like, and I'm just
looking at this wolf.
I'm like, "Why is this wolf"--
I'm, like, looking around
'cause I'm expecting, like,
some guy to be like,
"Sorry,
my wolf got loose and..."
[laughter]
But there's no guy.
It's just me and this wolf.
And he's just staring at me.
And I don't know
how to make a wolf leave.
You know, you're like,
"Get out of here, wolf."
Like, I don't know--what--
So I'm just staring,
and I'm, like, looking at him.
He's looking right at me.
I said, "Why is he not leaving?"
Then I just was like,
"Wait, is that that Indian dude
I was drinking with last night?"
Is he a wolf?
Is--
[laughs]
It wasn't him.
The wolf left.
The wolf did wander off.
And then I got in my car,
and I was driving back,
and this happened--
This doesn't seem real,
'cause it's back-to-back,
but I'm driving,
and then I get stopped
'cause a helicopter lands
in the middle of the road.
There's no one around
but me and then this helicopter,
and it picks up a guy
and then flies off.
Like, I should've video'd it,
'cause it's the craziest thing
I've ever seen.
But I'm, like, hungover,
so I'm acting like
it happens every day.
Like, I'm honking
at the helicopter, like,
"All right,
out of all days?
You couldn't have hovered
a second and let me get under?"
The other one I had
was, I got real drunk
and let locked myself
out of my hotel room
completely naked.
Yeah, I've done that in my
2-year-old daughter's lifetime.
So...
if she hears this and she's
like, "Oh, was that college?"
It's like, "No, that's when you
were the most dependent on me."
[laughter]
Here's what--look, I don't know
why I was sleeping naked.
You just sleep naked
when you're drunk.
I don't do it normal.
I think it's gross.
But that day, I was like,
"We should try that.
Let's see what that's about."
And then I remember,
I was like,
"I got to put the
'Do Not Disturb' sign on,"
so I walk and I open the door--
"Do Not Disturb" sign,
you can crack the door
and it would fit outside.
But acting like I was, like,
moving a couch outside,
and I was, like,
opening it with my body,
and then I step outside,
and I heard the door shut,
which was the most
sobering noise
I've ever heard
in my entire life.
[laughter and applause]
I was like,
"This is not good at all."
You know, like,
you're way too far.
I'm holding this
"Do Not Disturb" sign,
which is pointless.
It's like I just walked out
to be, like,
a real "Do Not Disturb" sign,
just for the hallway.
I was like,
"Don't come down here.
We're not ready."
[applause]
So I'm standing there,
and I'm like,
"All right,
what are you gonna do?"
You know, so I look,
and there's a window.
I was like,
"I could jump out of that.
That's easier than having
to explain this to my wife."
And then I looked to the left,
and there was a cleaning lady,
and she's just staring at me.
And the reason she's there
is because it's 11:00 a.m.
That's how far in the day it is.
And I'm, like, looking at her--
And, look, I don't have
a body that, like,
when she sees it, I'm like,
"You're welcome," you know?
It's like, "I'm sorry.
Look, I'm really--I don't know."
So I looked at her,
and she knew what I needed,
you know?
Like, we didn't really talk.
Like, I just
kind of looked at her like,
"Whew, you know, this happens--
happens to the best of us,
right?"
[laughter and applause]
And she looked at me like,
"It does not--
it does not happen."
She just let me back in my room.
When I told my comic buddies,
they tried to make me
feel better.
They're like, "I wouldn't even
worry about it.
I bet she sees stuff
like that all the time."
And I was like,
"I bet I'm in her top three."
She might walk in
on people naked,
but no one ever
charges at her naked
and then needs her help,
you know?
Someone might
run by her and laugh.
No one goes up to her like,
"Look, you're the most important
person in my life right now,
"and I need you to be on board
with all of this, all right?
Don't ask questions."
I'll mix it up,
like, too, like,
'cause, you know,
when you're gonna lose weight,
you try to, like, go--
you ever do vodka-soda
when you want to lose weight?
Like, "I'll do vodka-soda,"
then you drink it like beer,
and you wake up in the street.
But you're like, "I'm not
bloated, and that's nice."
You know, that's--
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
It feels so good,
just that little--
you're finding any little thing.
It all does--
it leads to the eating--
like, I mean, look, I don't need
help eating bad at all.
I'll do it naturally.
And drinking just makes it--
the decision that much easier.
I have--
like, I do all chain stuff.
I like my restaurants
to be doing good
everywhere in the country.
I just want to go,
and wherever I go in the--
I've eaten McDonald's
in Dubai.
'Cause I'm like, "Well,
let's see what they're doing."
You know, like,
"What's their McDonald's like?"
It's a little different.
And Applebee's--
I'm a big fan of Applebee's.
You know, I really just--
whatever--
If I eat somewhere
that's not Applebee's,
I will only eat what Applebee's
would serve.
Like, if Applebee's
is not on board with it,
I'm not gonna be, you know?
I eat at Walmart.
You can eat there.
It's fine.
They're fine with it.
And...
[laughter]
Walmart's great.
They're always open.
No one likes--
you know, no one likes Walmart,
but they're always open.
That's why they're great.
There was a fire at a Walmart,
and they did not shut down.
They remained open
during the fire.
Like, some people didn't even
know there was a fire.
Other people thought
they were just selling fire.
Like, that's--
that's not that crazy
of a thing.
I'm a Walmart guy.
I think I'm in the middle,
you know.
I'm not Kmart,
but I'm not Target, you know?
I don't--I'm not old money.
I don't think I'm better
than everybody.
Just right in the middle.
You ever go to Kmart?
Like, Kmart doesn't even
look open when you go in there.
[laughter]
You just walk in, you're like,
"Are you guys about to close?
Are you getting looted
or something?"
They're like,
"No, we're open."
"Are you?
"Are you gonna cut the lights on
on that side of the store?"
[laughter]
"Maybe get some stuff,
you know?"
Kmart looks like
where you go buy stuff
if you were about to open
a new Kmart.
If you--if you needed
shelves for your Kmart,
you're going there
and be like,
"This is--this is good.
I think we're gonna
do it right here."
[applause]
I lived here for eight years,
and I love New York.
I love the driving.
That's what's, like--
See, I think we should all
learn how to drive in Manhattan.
'Cause it's great.
Everybody honks at everybody.
Just screaming, yelling.
That's how it should be.
Growing up in the South,
no one honks ever.
People just sit at lights,
and they're like,
"If you don't want to go,
I totally understand.
"I'm probably not gonna go
when I get up there, so...
"let's just wait it out,
you know?
Let's let traffic die down,
and we'll get home tomorrow."
I once had to take my car
to get it fixed,
and I go to, like,
this mechanic.
It was, like--it looked
like it was just, like,
this dude's house,
and I go inside, and there was,
like--there was a line.
There was, like,
people in there.
So we're sitting there--
they were taking forever,
and we're all getting, you know,
pretty upset about it.
Finally, one of the fellow
customers just starts yelling
at all the employees,
and I was like,
"This guy is great."
Like, I loved it.
Like, I would never do it, but I
like when other people do it.
So I was like, "Good for you.
Just keep yelling at them."
And he keeps yelling,
and then a mechanic comes over
and is like,
"You got to calm down.
You can't yell at us
like that."
And the guy keeps yelling.
I'm like, "This guy is great."
Like, he's getting stuff done.
You know, like,
nothing can happen.
Uh, I was wrong.
Because they fist-fought him.
They fist-fought him, and then
they just dragged him outside.
We just watched it.
Like, all of--
we just--we, like, moved up,
and we're like,
"That's crazy, right?"
And...
[laughter]
Just like, "I guess
that's what goes on here."
Like that's in
the employee handbook.
It's like, "What are you
gonna do if someone gets upset?
"Well, I'd like you to fight 'em
in front of the other customers
"so they get it
"and then drag him outside
"so people driving by
get it as well.
"You know what our motto is--
our motto is,
"'What did you say?
That's what I thought you said.
Keep your mouth shut.'"
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
You know, I tweeted about it
when it happened.
Like, afterwards,
I thought it was funny.
And they found me.
That's how crazy they were.
They found it on Twitter,
and they were like,
"Hey, could you follow us
so we can send you a message?"
I was like, "How about,
I got the message, all right?
"I got it.
I'll delete the tweet.
Don't worry about it."
They were crazy.
[laughs]
You just don't say--
I don't say anything,
you know, like, you know,
anything about stuff
that goes on.
You just let stuff happen.
I was flying recently,
and I was on my--
Now when you fly, you know
you can leave your phone
in airplane mode.
So I'm, like, sitting there.
We're about to take off.
I'm playing a game.
This lady leans over a guy
and was like, "Hey,
you got to cut your phone off."
And I was like, "What?"
And she goes, "You got to cut
your phone off.
You can't have it on."
I was like, "You don't
have to do that anymore."
And she was like,
"You have to do it."
I go,
"You don't have to do it.
That's not the rules,
you know?"
And she was like, "Look,
I'm not a rule maker."
I was like, "Well, you're
acting like a rule maker,
'cause those are not the rules."
And she just--she goes,
"Cut it off, all right?"
And guess what.
I cut it off.
I cut it off,
and now I think about her
every day.
[laughter and applause]
Every day,
I think about her.
I just want to find her again.
I really do.
If she ever sees this,
you are not right, all right?
I was completely right.
This is, I think,
the only way.
[laughter and applause]
You were wrong about it all.
I travel a lot doing comedy,
which is great.
I've been to, like,
a bunch of different countries,
and I--like,
it's all wasted on me.
It would be better
for you guys to go than me.
I don't know where I'm at,
like, in the world,
like, when I'm there.
Like, I could be an hour
from my parents
or, like, five days.
I'm like, "I don't know.
It's somewhere, you know?"
I went to Bahrain,
and I told people
I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia,
like it was the city
of Saudi Arabia.
And they were like, "You know
Bahrain's its own country."
I was like, "Are they now?
Good for those guys, you know?
Yeah, that's good.
Good for them."
I went to Honduras.
I went there.
Pretty--I have a pretty decent
fan base there, and...
[laughter]
Yeah, this special's
gonna blow that place up once--
I mean, they're gonna be like,
"Wow, that's unbelievable."
A lot of fans,
and it's--
No, I'm joking.
[laughs]
It was--it was a USO tour,
so we go.
And I remember
I went to the airport,
and I, like, told the guy--
I was like, "Hey,
I'm going to Honduras."
And the guy was like,
"All right, like, what city?"
And I was like, "Well, I mean,
I'm just learning right now
that's not the name
of the city."
[laughter and applause]
"Ugh.
"You know, where do you think
I would be going?
"Like, looking at me,
which plane do you want me
to get on?"
We land in Honduras,
and this guy picks us up.
He's driving us
to the army base,
and on the way there,
he was like, "Look.
There's a couple things
you got to keep an eye out for."
He's like,
"When you go to bed at night,
"you got to check your bed
for spiders.
Like,
spiders hide in your bed."
He's basically just like,
"You're not gonna sleep.
Hope that's cool."
And then he's like,
"There's a lot of snakes too,
"a lot of venomous snakes,
so keep an eye out for snakes.
"But if you do get bit
by a snake,
"the best thing to do is go
ahead and just catch the snake
"and then bring it with you
to the doctor.
"And you're just gonna be like,
'This is the snake
that bit me.'"
And I was like, "What?
"I'm not gonna do
that part of it.
"Like, you want me
to catch a snake, dude?
"I've never caught a snake
in my life.
"And you want me to get bit.
"Then I got to get it together
and catch a snake
for the first time?"
I was like,
"It's not gonna go good.
"He's gonna keep biting me.
That's all that's gonna happen."
And he was like,
"It doesn't matter.
You've already been bit."
And I was like, "What?
"Do you even know
what a snake is?
"Because it completely matters.
"There is a huge difference
between one bite
"and probably 30 bites,
"which is what we will be at
if I try to catch this snake.
"Like, who told you to say this,
the snake?
Is that who you asked?"
[laughter and applause]
I don't believe in science,
you know?
That's just--
I don't understand it,
so it's easier
not to believe in it as a whole.
That gets you
out of a lot of arguments.
If you're just like,
"I don't believe in science,"
they're like, "All right,
do you need help or..."
Scientists
could be making stuff up.
That's a great job to have
if you want to make stuff up,
'cause no one--
no one can challenge you.
You know?
No one, like...
Nobody'll say anything.
Like, they don't even get
in trouble if they mess up.
Like, the Earth
was 2 billion years old.
Then they're like,
"Now it's 4 billion years old."
It's like,
"All right, like,
how many people got fired
after that?"
And they're like, "Nobody."
You're like, "Really?
Y'all just--nothing?
'Cause y'all were way off."
I read beetles
are 320 million years old.
It's like, "Are they?
"Or you just know that I don't
know how to figure that out?
'Cause you could be doing that,
you know?"
Like, I feel like that's
your first job as a scientist.
Like, when you go,
they would just probably do
the beetles thing.
They're just like,
"Go see how old beetles are."
Like when you're a new scientist
and then you're--
You know, you don't think--
the guys are just--
Those guys are, like,
back there, like,
"Just write--
write 320 million.
"Like, it doesn't matter.
Like, who's even gonna check,
you know?"
It's like,
"No one's gonna question us.
We can change it
at any point."
Pluto, you know,
Pluto's not a planet.
Or it might be a planet.
I don't know.
They change it
every five seconds.
The last I heard,
it's not,
and that's, like, crazy.
That's when I left science.
I was like, "I'm out."
Like, "You can't do that.
"You can't jam Pluto
down my throat my whole life,
"and then the second
I get out of school,
you're like, 'We were just
kidding about Pluto.'"
It affected me.
In elementary school,
I got a C minus on a test
because I forgot
to put Pluto,
and turns out,
I should've got above an A.
That's what I should've got.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I should've been asked
to teach the class.
I should've immediately
taught that class
and be like,
"Nate's apparently the best."
I never believed in Pluto,
you know?
I said, "It's too far."
That's what I told people.
I go, "You just--
you guys will see."
[laughter]
[laughs]
I watched a thing
on60 Minutesonce
about, like,
this guy with animals.
It was about buying tigers.
Like, you can buy--
Like,
if you guys want a tiger,
there's a guy you can go to,
and you can buy a tiger
if you want.
And I was like--see,
they did this
whole undercover reporting.
And they filmed, like,
where he keeps tigers.
And then, you know, they, like,
asked him afterwards.
They're like, "Hey,
do you think it's too easy
to buy a tiger in this country?"
And he was like,
"Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is."
And that was, like,
my favorite part, you know?
I was like,
"That's why America's the best."
I didn't even know
you could buy tigers.
I would've been embarrassed
to ask.
And then I watched this,
and I was like,
"I don't even have to jump
through hoops
if I want to buy a tiger."
It's not an all-day thing.
It's an hour.
I'll be right back
with our tiger.
And everybody wants
to get rid of guns, you know,
like guns are the problem,
but what makes me nervous is,
like, you take away
guns from people,
those are the exact same people
that will buy tigers.
[laughter and applause]
That's gonna be a much bigger
problem, all right?
You're probably gonna be like,
"Look, here's your gun back."
They'll be like,
"No, I'm good.
"My tiger is way better
than my gun.
"My gun missed all the time.
"My tiger rarely misses.
"Even if he does miss,
"it's just for a second.
It's never long."
Like, if a guy dodges a tiger
and he's like,
"Your dumb tiger missed,"
it's like, "Well, he did not.
"He's right behind you now.
And he is furious,
so..."
You know that saying, like,
"Guns don't kill people;
people kill people"?
The new saying
will just be like,
"These tigers
are killing people."
I don't know.
It won't be a good saying.
It'll just be asking, like,
"Do you know where
your tiger's at by any chance?
"Do you have any idea?
You don't know?
That's--all right.
That's a big problem."
It's--
[laughs]
I love doing comedy, though.
It's great.
The show's almost over,
just so you guys know.
I like to let--
I like to let everybody know
where we're at.
We're about done.
I think it makes you feel better
when you're like,
"All right, thanks.
Thanks."
Like, how many movies you go to,
and then you're just like,
"Jeez,
this is taking forever."
And if a guy, like,
popped in the screen,
was like,
"It's about to wrap..."
Yeah.
[laughter and applause]
It's...
[applause continues]
I know. I know.
Two more seconds.
[laughs]
And you're like,
"Thanks, man.
That was, you know..."
I love doing comedy.
I was--there was a time
I was gonna quit.
I was gonna quit early on.
I tried.
Then there was no one
to quit to,
no one.
Here's why I do it,
or I think why.
My dad--my dad
is an entertainer as well.
He's a magician.
Still is a magician.
Started as a clown.
Just, you know,
I don't want to come off
like I come
from some rich magic family...
[laughter]
And I'm better than you guys.
You know,
he paid his dues,
his clown dues.
It's weird
when your dad's a clown.
It's weird every day.
[laughter]
It's--I never
trusted clowns, you know?
Like, have you ever
been yelled at by a clown?
I have.
Do you know how confusing
that is,
to get screamed at by a guy
that's got a smile
painted on his face?
[laughter]
You're like,
"Is this not the same clown
those kids are gonna see
outside?"
He was a clown
till I was about 12 and 13,
and that's about as long as
you want your dad to be a clown.
When you're six and seven,
there's perks, absolutely.
By the time you're 12 and 13,
kids at school are like,
"Is he still doing that?"
You're like,
"You know, off and on.
"All right, guys?
"Yeah, he's almost
full-time magic, so..."
I--like, it's funny, too,
when I tell people
that my dad was a clown.
People will just be like,
"Oh, I hate clowns."
It's like, "Hey, remember--
remember that time
I just said my dad was a clown?"
[laughter and applause]
"I just said that.
You're just like,
'I hate your father.'"
[laughter]
[laughs]
Hanging out with comedians
is, like, some of the best,
the funnest time--
I don't know--
because comedians are crazy.
They can be.
Like, a good buddy of mine
is a comedian.
His name's Luis J. Gomez,
and...
(woman)
Whoo!
Big fans.
A couple Luis J. Gomez fans.
Me and Luis once, we go
to McDonald's to go eat, right?
Like, I'm a big fan,
so, uh...
And everybody acts like,
when I go there,
they're like, "Haven't
been here in forever."
It's like, "Don't act like
I'm the one keeping 'em afloat.
All right? You know?
Someone's coming here."
So we go in.
[laughs]
We ordered our food,
and then we take our food,
and we sit down at our table.
And then Luis
went to the bathroom.
He left me alone
with his food.
So I was, "You know what?
I'm gonna play a prank on him."
So I grabbed his hamburger.
I unwrapped it.
I took a bite out of it.
Then I wrapped it back up.
I put it back down
on his tray.
So that's my big prank,
right?
Like, when he comes back
from the bathroom,
I'll be like, "Dude,
did they eat your burger
"before they gave it to you?
"That's crazy that they're
doing that, right?
Is that crazy?"
It's a stupid prank.
It's harmless.
It should never leave the table.
All that should happen is,
Luis should come back,
he should open his burger,
his first reaction should be
to look at his best friend,
who's sitting with him,
who also, by the way,
dabbles in comedy...
[laughter and applause]
And just be like, "Hey, I just
wanted to run this by you,
"uh, before I unexpectedly
go freak out
on this entire McDonald's."
That's what I thought
would go down,
just a quick, "Hey,
did you touch my food
"the only time
it was out of my sight?
"I just want to know
"before I try to fight
a group of people
"that are gonna be
pretty confused
on why they're fighting."
But instead, I got to learn
I'm friends with a lunatic
and a guy comfortable
fighting McDonald's employees,
because he opened his burger
and could not
have ignored me quicker.
He looked at them so fast,
almost like he expected them
to do it, like...
[laughter]
Like it's happened before,
and he's like, "Again?
Again with this?"
He just starts yelling
at everybody, just,
"I'm gonna fight everybody till
I find out who ate my burger."
He gets up.
He starts walking towards 'em.
I can't believe
this is even working.
We are so much farther
than I'm prepared to get.
So I grab him;
I was like,
"Dude, I ate your burger.
I ate it.
"Why would you
not look at me once
to see if I did this?"
I walked him back to the table,
and we sit down,
but it's already, like, weird.
Like, everybody's, like,
looking at us.
It takes ten minutes
for people to quit filming us
with their phones.
And it hits me.
I start, like,
thinking about it.
I go, "Dude."
I go, "Luis.
"You're out of your mind.
You're gonna get killed
one day, dude."
I was like, "You were
about to go fight a guy."
I was like, "Let's pretend
I'm not here, all right?
"Let's pretend that someone
did eat your burger
"that worked at this McDonald's.
"You were gonna go
blindly fight that guy.
"Not even try to size him up,
see what he looks like?
"Do you really think
you could beat up a guy
"that is apparently
pretty confident in himself
"that he's making burgers,
he's then eating 'em,
"and then he's wrapping 'em up
and just sending 'em out
to whoever?"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"You don't think
that guy's probably
"the greatest fighter
of all time?
"I think you're gonna walk
to that McDonald's counter
"and be like,
'Who ate my burger?'
"And all the McDonald's
employees are gonna part ways.
"They know exactly
who you're talking about.
"In the very back,
you're gonna see a guy
"cracking his neck.
"He's got his fist
in the fryer,
"doesn't even know it.
He's just warming
his hands up."
Guys, thank you so much
for coming out.
You were unbelievable.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat rock music]
Thank you.
Thank you.
You were great.
[projector whirs]
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat rock music]
Thank you.
Wow.
[cheers and applause continue]
Wow.
So--thank you.
Thank you.
Very kind.
All right, all right.
It's, uh, you know...
I'll be honest with you.
I don't think the show's
gonna be as good as that.
Like, I think I will
let you guys down.
Thank you guys so much.
That was unbelievable.
You guys are great.
And, it's just,
you know, we've--
I feel like we've peaked,
so let's just get...
doing it, something?
All right.
[laughs]
I'm very excited to be here.
My name's Nate.
I'm married and stuff.
This is what marriage
feels like, by the way--
what it feels like in here
right now.
It's just one person talking,
and the other's like,
"I'm gonna get out of here."
It's...
[laughter]
That's...
[laughs]
We--I'm from Nashville,
and me and my wife,
we were in Nashville
last summer,
and we went out on the lake
with some of our friends.
And we were, like,
floating around in the water,
and there was a guy in a boat,
like, right next to us,
and my wife was like,
"Oh, that's my ex-boyfriend
in that boat."
Now,
I didn't know who he was,
so she didn't have to say that
at all, you know?
She was just basically like,
"Are you having fun?
'Cause I'd like
to put a stop to that."
[laughter]
"And make you stare at this guy
the rest of the day."
So I'm, like, staring at him,
and then I look at my wife,
and she's staring at him,
and I feel like
she's staring at him
to see what her life would
be like if she didn't marry me.
So I started staring at him,
'cause I'm like,
"I want to see
what my life would be like
if I didn't marry her,"
you know?
And we were putting--
we were putting
so much pressure on this guy.
And...
we--we stared at him
for a while.
He did nothing exciting at all,
and, uh, you know,
we looked back at each other
and just realized,
"You know what?
We don't have a boat.
That's the only difference."
My friends--
my friends were like,
"You should've went
and tried to fight him.
Why didn't you go fight him?"
And I was like,
"Well, I would've had
to swim over to that fight."
[laughter]
"So I don't know
how intimidating that is,
for a guy to see a head and a
life jacket floating his way."
And then I got to get
in the boat, you know?
Like, have you ever tried
to climb into a boat from water?
It's not aggressive.
It takes an hour
if no one is in the boat.
Like, if he's in there,
I'm never gonna get in.
I would need his help.
I'd be like, "Could you
help me into this boat?
I can't tell you why,
but I really need in this boat."
[laughter]
We have a daughter now,
and so it's getting--
you know, 2-year-old daughter--
it's getting pretty serious
between me and my wife now.
And it's--
I don't know.
I was living in New York
when my daughter was to be born.
She was not born here, though.
We flew home.
She was born in Tennessee.
I didn't want her to be born
in New York.
You know, I don't need her
growing up
thinking she's better than me.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah.
I was like, "You start
where we start, all right?
No one gets a leg up
in this family."
[laughter]
It's our first kid.
I don't know if we had a kid
too late in life.
Sometimes I wonder, like,
you know, I'm 35.
I was 33 when she was born,
and, like--
'Cause you ever ask someone
that has kids,
you're like, "When's
the best time of your life?"
They will say
before they have kids
or after their kids move out.
There's, like,
20 years they don't mention,
and that's when kids
were in their house.
So by the time my daughter
moves out, I'll be 53.
I'll be dead within hours.
So I've just pushed it
too far, you know?
Like, I should've
done it earlier.
Like, I watched that show
Teen Mom,
and I was like, "Man,
those girls are nailing it.
Like, that's what"--
[laughter and applause]
Just get it over with,
you know?
No one likes junior high
or high school anyway,
so just throw a kid in the mix.
Wrap it all up.
If I had my daughter at 13,
she'd be moved out right now.
Right now,
she'd already be gone.
[laughter and applause]
I will be excited, like--
I'll be excited when she goes--
like, when she goes to school,
like, to do homework
with her and stuff, you know?
'Cause it's like bonding,
and it's not gonna hurt for me
to do one more run-through.
[laughter]
Just one more pass.
None of it stuck for me.
I went to community college
for one year.
[person claps]
Do--yeah.
A couple of us?
Just me and this guy.
That's--did you go for longer
than a year?
Or one year too?
Or did you go to real college?
Couple years.
Oh, all right.
Valedictorian over here,
jeez.
[laughter]
Just...
I-I made it one.
And what's even more
embarrassing--
that I do not have a credit.
Literally, I do not have--
I have zero credits.
Do you have credits?
You got credits,
like, all of 'em?
Did you graduate
community college?
You think you're better than me?
No, just--
I just started to attack.
He's like, "I don't know."
It's easy, I think, to graduate.
Like, I--you know--
My loan was $40.
I just paid cash.
That's all.
I was like, "This is good."
He was like,
"That's more than enough."
I was all remedial classes,
which, remedial,
you know, it's like,
they just--they don't count.
None of 'em count,
so all my classes were outside.
Every one was outside.
We wouldn't even meet
inside the building.
We would just meet
at a picnic table outside,
'cause our teacher was like,
"Well, you guys
will all be working outside."
[laughter]
"We're gonna teach you
about weather, you know,
"and, like, we're gonna
teach you about morning dew,
"how to get your socks wet.
"You're gonna be getting up
pretty early
"the rest of your life.
"I hope you guys like sunrises,
because you're gonna see
a lot of 'em."
That's what remedial classes
are for.
They're a heads-up that
you're gonna do manual labor.
The assignments--
our teacher'd be like,
"All right,
so today's assignment is,
we're gonna help me move,
so..."
[laughter and applause]
It's--
[laughs]
I'm, like--
I'm pretty dumb.
I'm--like, you know,
I tell people I'm dumb.
I'm like, "Hey, I'm dumb."
And--but no one goes,
like, "Okay."
They're just always like,
"I bet you're not dumb."
And you're like, "Well, I'm
trying to help you out here.
"Uh, we're about
to have a conversation,
so I'm just trying
to give you a heads-up."
[laughter]
Here's a story--
I can prove it--
if I need to--
like I got to prove it.
Like, everybody's like,
"Now, we--yeah, you know.
We don't need proof."
Here's my proof,
is, when I was 15,
my first job was, in Nashville,
was at Opryland theme park.
We used to have
an amusement park,
and I was working,
and I'm sitting eating lunch,
and this couple sits down,
and we start talking and stuff.
I was like, "I'm Nate."
And the guy's like,
"I'm John.
This is my wife, Jane,"
and they--
their last name was Doe.
So it was John and Jane Doe.
And I was just like,
"That's the craziest thing."
Like, what are the odds
of that, you know?
Like, that's so crazy.
Couldn't believe it.
Cut to earlier this year.
I'm 35, I'm driving,
and I'm thinking
about John and Jane Doe.
And, you know,
I was like,
"I bet they were lying
to me about that."
[laughter and applause]
That's how long it took--
20 years--
for me to catch on to a joke
they wouldn't remember saying.
I don't think
they would remember it.
They'd be like,
"Maybe we did that."
Well, it worked.
It worked so good.
I tried to--
I tried to Google 'em,
'cause I was, like, "Maybe
they're not lying," you know?
"I'll find 'em
and go talk to 'em."
But I am sad to report
they were murdered.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's not good.
Yep.
[applause]
It's--
Like, I think of it like--
like time traveling.
Like, if I could go back
in time--
like, if I could go
back in time tonight
and go back to, like,
the '20s,
knowing everything
I know right now,
I don't think
I would make a difference.
[laughter]
I don't think you guys
would even hear about it.
I don't think you would.
I just don't--like, 'cause
I don't have anything to get--
You know, like I would go back,
and I would see, like,
some guy on a old phone,
and I would be like,
"Hey, eventually
they have phones
you, like, carry
in your pocket."
And they're like, "Yeah?"
It's like, "How do they do it?"
I'm like, "Phew, I mean,
I don't know how they do it."
[laughter and applause]
"Oh.
I think it's a satellite?
I think--a satellite?"
They're like,
"What's a satellite?"
"Oh, I shouldn't have
even said that, uh..."
[sighs]
"It's like metal--
"Metal's got to go
pretty high in the air.
I don't know
if you guys are doing"--
I don't even know if I could
prove I'm from the future.
I don't even think I could.
I think I would just get stuck,
'cause they would want
something.
Like,
"Who's the next president?"
"Oh, boy.
Uh...
"Ooh--
Abraham Lincoln.
You guys are gonna love him.
He's really good."
They'd just think
I'm from the past.
That's--they were like--
It would just look--
And then I'd have to get
a regular job.
I would just have to, like,
wait tables or something
in the '20s.
I would go back in time
and do worse
than I'm doing right now.
[laughter and applause]
[laughs]
I went and visited
my parents recently.
My parents have a real,
real, real fat cat.
It's real fat.
People point it out,
you know?
They walk in; they're like,
"Man, that cat's fat."
And it feels rude, you know,
like, "He doesn't speak English,
but we do,
so maybe don't say that."
And they're just--
you know, they're like,
"What are y'all feeding
this cat?"
You're like,
"Whatever you feed a cat, dude.
"Like normal cat food stuff.
We pour a bowl.
Like, if he eats eight birds
outside, he doesn't tell us."
[laughter]
You know, he's not like, "Oh,
I ate out tonight. I'm good."
And then they're like, "Well,
y'all should do something."
You're like, "What do you think
we're not doing?
"Do you think he has
a gym membership
and we don't drive him
to the gym?"
He's a cat.
That's his gym membership,
is, he's a cat.
I watched him jump
from the ground
on top of the refrigerator.
That's like if I jumped on top
of a school bus from the ground.
Like, if I--if I did that,
you're not gonna be like,
"Well, you still could lose
a little bit, you know."
[laughter]
Just keep doing
what you're doing.
I got to get in shape.
Not this shape.
This is not a good shape.
Something--I got to get--
really.
I thought--I was like,
"Oh, I'm doing an hour special.
That'll motivate me."
And here we are.
[laughter]
I tell people
I got to get back in shape.
I've never been in shape,
you know?
Like, most people are like,
"If I could go back to my 20s."
I would have to go back to 7.
If I could get back
to when I was 7,
I was just killing it.
I don't know how to work out.
For me,
a good workout would be--
walking to McDonald's
would be a great start.
You know,
maybe stand up and eat it.
See if that does something.
I ordered the P90X videos.
I thought I could do that.
Never worked out
a day in my life,
so let's do
what the Navy SEALs do.
[laughter]
You know why I ordered it?
'Cause in the commercial--
you know how they have, like,
a before body and after body?
In the--I was blown away
by the before body.
I thought that's
what you get to look like.
I was like,
"That guy looks great."
You know, "I would love
to look like him."
Then I saw the after body,
and I was like,
"Does the before body guy
have a DVD?
"'Cause that guy seems
more my speed, you know.
What did he do to get to that?
And I'll just do that."
Someone gave me an Under Armour
shirt to wear.
Have you ever wore
one of those?
It's, like, skintight.
It just shows the worst parts
of your body.
I look better without a shirt on
than with that shirt on.
[laughter]
You know in plastic surgery
how they draw markers on you?
They should just put you
in that shirt and be like,
"Obviously, you can see
what we're gonna go after."
[laughter and applause]
I'm lazy.
I can tell, like,
watching sports--
I was watching a football game,
and I'm sitting on my couch,
and I was gonna get something to
drink out of the refrigerator.
Right when I get up,
one guy--
one team kicked off
to the other team.
And before I could get back,
the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff
return, and I missed it.
The guy ran 100 yards
before I could get
3 to maybe 4 yards.
[laughter]
That guy also had 11 people
really trying not to let him
run 100 yards.
I had--I didn't even have
an ottoman in my way.
It was wide open.
[laughter]
I played sports growing up,
though.
I played baseball,
and one time when I was playing,
I'm up to bat;
I get walked.
So I go,
I take my base,
I get to first base,
I turn, and I look.
The catcher was still
holding the ball.
And, like, he wasn't--
you know,
he was staring at me, almost
like he's daring me to run,
like, "Why don't you see
if you can go?
I don't think you can go."
And I was like,
"I'm gonna go, all right?"
So I run to second.
He throws it to second,
overthrows second base,
goes in the outfield.
I run to third base.
They overthrow third base,
so my coach is, like, losing it,
like, telling me to go home.
Like, this is about to be
an inside-the-park home run
off a walk.
I'm about to be
onSportsCenter,you know?
Like, this is the biggest thing
that's ever happened in sports.
So I go.
I slide.
There's a play at the plate,
and then the umpire goes,
"It was only ball three."
[laughter and applause]
So I have to now get up.
I'm dirty,
for no reason, apparently.
I'm out of breath.
I got to pick my bat up,
exactly where I left it.
It's now three balls,
two strikes.
Next pitch,
immediately strike out.
Immediately strike out.
The umpire goes,
"Now you can go.
Yeah, you're fine."
I did learn something, though,
that day.
What I did learn was that
if you're confident, you can get
away with quite a bit, you know?
'Cause why didn't anybody
stop me?
No one stopped me.
No one--they knew I wasn't
supposed to be going.
But I was so confident
about it that
that's why the catcher
was holding the ball going,
"What? I don't--why's he--
Is he supposed
to be doing this?"
And then I run to second;
it's like,
"Well, no one's that much
of an idiot.
I guess I wasn't
paying any attention."
The ball goes in the outfield.
The outfield--
they're not looking.
They think it's a hit, you know,
for all they know.
And then I guess the umpire
at some point realizes it
and is just like--
well, it's easier for me
to get all the way back to him
to tell me.
At least let me feel
what it would feel like
to get an inside-the-park
home run off a walk.
I was thinking about, too,
like, all the parents
in the stands,
'cause, like, they can't hear
what's going on,
so they're just, like,
watching this,
and then I bat again.
Like, they're just like,
"I guess I don't
understand baseball.
"I thought I knew--
"It's just--baseball's changed
since I was a kid.
"Used to--you go around
like that, you're done.
"You don't have to get
back up there.
I don't like
these new rules."
[applause]
I drink too, which isn't--
like, you know,
that doesn't help.
[person claps]
Me and that guy drink.
We have pretty big problems
and...
Just us two.
[laughs]
It's--
I don't know.
I've had signs
that I should quit drinking.
One was, I did a show.
It was three hours outside
of Phoenix, Arizona.
It was at a Indian casino,
which I don't know
if you're supposed to say.
I'm not--
I don't know.
It's--
I don't know.
It was like--I don't know
what you're supposed to say.
It was a casino.
There was, like,
a crazy amount of Indians there,
and...so I--
[laughter]
I go.
I drive this three-hour drive
to the middle of nowhere.
I get there.
I do the show.
Then I was like,
"I'm gonna go to bed," you know?
Had to get up at 7:00 a.m.,
just be a normal person.
Then I'm meet
this cool Indian dude,
and we drink till 5:00 a.m.
So then I have to get up--
I sleep two hours, get up.
I'm walking outside
with my roller bag.
It's, like, 190 degrees.
I'm just questioning everything
I've ever done in my life.
I'm like,
"What are you doing, dude?"
And I look up,
and there's a wolf.
A real wolf,
just in front of my car,
just staring at me.
Like, and I'm just
looking at this wolf.
I'm like, "Why is this wolf"--
I'm, like, looking around
'cause I'm expecting, like,
some guy to be like,
"Sorry,
my wolf got loose and..."
[laughter]
But there's no guy.
It's just me and this wolf.
And he's just staring at me.
And I don't know
how to make a wolf leave.
You know, you're like,
"Get out of here, wolf."
Like, I don't know--what--
So I'm just staring,
and I'm, like, looking at him.
He's looking right at me.
I said, "Why is he not leaving?"
Then I just was like,
"Wait, is that that Indian dude
I was drinking with last night?"
Is he a wolf?
Is--
[laughs]
It wasn't him.
The wolf left.
The wolf did wander off.
And then I got in my car,
and I was driving back,
and this happened--
This doesn't seem real,
'cause it's back-to-back,
but I'm driving,
and then I get stopped
'cause a helicopter lands
in the middle of the road.
There's no one around
but me and then this helicopter,
and it picks up a guy
and then flies off.
Like, I should've video'd it,
'cause it's the craziest thing
I've ever seen.
But I'm, like, hungover,
so I'm acting like
it happens every day.
Like, I'm honking
at the helicopter, like,
"All right,
out of all days?
You couldn't have hovered
a second and let me get under?"
The other one I had
was, I got real drunk
and let locked myself
out of my hotel room
completely naked.
Yeah, I've done that in my
2-year-old daughter's lifetime.
So...
if she hears this and she's
like, "Oh, was that college?"
It's like, "No, that's when you
were the most dependent on me."
[laughter]
Here's what--look, I don't know
why I was sleeping naked.
You just sleep naked
when you're drunk.
I don't do it normal.
I think it's gross.
But that day, I was like,
"We should try that.
Let's see what that's about."
And then I remember,
I was like,
"I got to put the
'Do Not Disturb' sign on,"
so I walk and I open the door--
"Do Not Disturb" sign,
you can crack the door
and it would fit outside.
But acting like I was, like,
moving a couch outside,
and I was, like,
opening it with my body,
and then I step outside,
and I heard the door shut,
which was the most
sobering noise
I've ever heard
in my entire life.
[laughter and applause]
I was like,
"This is not good at all."
You know, like,
you're way too far.
I'm holding this
"Do Not Disturb" sign,
which is pointless.
It's like I just walked out
to be, like,
a real "Do Not Disturb" sign,
just for the hallway.
I was like,
"Don't come down here.
We're not ready."
[applause]
So I'm standing there,
and I'm like,
"All right,
what are you gonna do?"
You know, so I look,
and there's a window.
I was like,
"I could jump out of that.
That's easier than having
to explain this to my wife."
And then I looked to the left,
and there was a cleaning lady,
and she's just staring at me.
And the reason she's there
is because it's 11:00 a.m.
That's how far in the day it is.
And I'm, like, looking at her--
And, look, I don't have
a body that, like,
when she sees it, I'm like,
"You're welcome," you know?
It's like, "I'm sorry.
Look, I'm really--I don't know."
So I looked at her,
and she knew what I needed,
you know?
Like, we didn't really talk.
Like, I just
kind of looked at her like,
"Whew, you know, this happens--
happens to the best of us,
right?"
[laughter and applause]
And she looked at me like,
"It does not--
it does not happen."
She just let me back in my room.
When I told my comic buddies,
they tried to make me
feel better.
They're like, "I wouldn't even
worry about it.
I bet she sees stuff
like that all the time."
And I was like,
"I bet I'm in her top three."
She might walk in
on people naked,
but no one ever
charges at her naked
and then needs her help,
you know?
Someone might
run by her and laugh.
No one goes up to her like,
"Look, you're the most important
person in my life right now,
"and I need you to be on board
with all of this, all right?
Don't ask questions."
I'll mix it up,
like, too, like,
'cause, you know,
when you're gonna lose weight,
you try to, like, go--
you ever do vodka-soda
when you want to lose weight?
Like, "I'll do vodka-soda,"
then you drink it like beer,
and you wake up in the street.
But you're like, "I'm not
bloated, and that's nice."
You know, that's--
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
It feels so good,
just that little--
you're finding any little thing.
It all does--
it leads to the eating--
like, I mean, look, I don't need
help eating bad at all.
I'll do it naturally.
And drinking just makes it--
the decision that much easier.
I have--
like, I do all chain stuff.
I like my restaurants
to be doing good
everywhere in the country.
I just want to go,
and wherever I go in the--
I've eaten McDonald's
in Dubai.
'Cause I'm like, "Well,
let's see what they're doing."
You know, like,
"What's their McDonald's like?"
It's a little different.
And Applebee's--
I'm a big fan of Applebee's.
You know, I really just--
whatever--
If I eat somewhere
that's not Applebee's,
I will only eat what Applebee's
would serve.
Like, if Applebee's
is not on board with it,
I'm not gonna be, you know?
I eat at Walmart.
You can eat there.
It's fine.
They're fine with it.
And...
[laughter]
Walmart's great.
They're always open.
No one likes--
you know, no one likes Walmart,
but they're always open.
That's why they're great.
There was a fire at a Walmart,
and they did not shut down.
They remained open
during the fire.
Like, some people didn't even
know there was a fire.
Other people thought
they were just selling fire.
Like, that's--
that's not that crazy
of a thing.
I'm a Walmart guy.
I think I'm in the middle,
you know.
I'm not Kmart,
but I'm not Target, you know?
I don't--I'm not old money.
I don't think I'm better
than everybody.
Just right in the middle.
You ever go to Kmart?
Like, Kmart doesn't even
look open when you go in there.
[laughter]
You just walk in, you're like,
"Are you guys about to close?
Are you getting looted
or something?"
They're like,
"No, we're open."
"Are you?
"Are you gonna cut the lights on
on that side of the store?"
[laughter]
"Maybe get some stuff,
you know?"
Kmart looks like
where you go buy stuff
if you were about to open
a new Kmart.
If you--if you needed
shelves for your Kmart,
you're going there
and be like,
"This is--this is good.
I think we're gonna
do it right here."
[applause]
I lived here for eight years,
and I love New York.
I love the driving.
That's what's, like--
See, I think we should all
learn how to drive in Manhattan.
'Cause it's great.
Everybody honks at everybody.
Just screaming, yelling.
That's how it should be.
Growing up in the South,
no one honks ever.
People just sit at lights,
and they're like,
"If you don't want to go,
I totally understand.
"I'm probably not gonna go
when I get up there, so...
"let's just wait it out,
you know?
Let's let traffic die down,
and we'll get home tomorrow."
I once had to take my car
to get it fixed,
and I go to, like,
this mechanic.
It was, like--it looked
like it was just, like,
this dude's house,
and I go inside, and there was,
like--there was a line.
There was, like,
people in there.
So we're sitting there--
they were taking forever,
and we're all getting, you know,
pretty upset about it.
Finally, one of the fellow
customers just starts yelling
at all the employees,
and I was like,
"This guy is great."
Like, I loved it.
Like, I would never do it, but I
like when other people do it.
So I was like, "Good for you.
Just keep yelling at them."
And he keeps yelling,
and then a mechanic comes over
and is like,
"You got to calm down.
You can't yell at us
like that."
And the guy keeps yelling.
I'm like, "This guy is great."
Like, he's getting stuff done.
You know, like,
nothing can happen.
Uh, I was wrong.
Because they fist-fought him.
They fist-fought him, and then
they just dragged him outside.
We just watched it.
Like, all of--
we just--we, like, moved up,
and we're like,
"That's crazy, right?"
And...
[laughter]
Just like, "I guess
that's what goes on here."
Like that's in
the employee handbook.
It's like, "What are you
gonna do if someone gets upset?
"Well, I'd like you to fight 'em
in front of the other customers
"so they get it
"and then drag him outside
"so people driving by
get it as well.
"You know what our motto is--
our motto is,
"'What did you say?
That's what I thought you said.
Keep your mouth shut.'"
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
You know, I tweeted about it
when it happened.
Like, afterwards,
I thought it was funny.
And they found me.
That's how crazy they were.
They found it on Twitter,
and they were like,
"Hey, could you follow us
so we can send you a message?"
I was like, "How about,
I got the message, all right?
"I got it.
I'll delete the tweet.
Don't worry about it."
They were crazy.
[laughs]
You just don't say--
I don't say anything,
you know, like, you know,
anything about stuff
that goes on.
You just let stuff happen.
I was flying recently,
and I was on my--
Now when you fly, you know
you can leave your phone
in airplane mode.
So I'm, like, sitting there.
We're about to take off.
I'm playing a game.
This lady leans over a guy
and was like, "Hey,
you got to cut your phone off."
And I was like, "What?"
And she goes, "You got to cut
your phone off.
You can't have it on."
I was like, "You don't
have to do that anymore."
And she was like,
"You have to do it."
I go,
"You don't have to do it.
That's not the rules,
you know?"
And she was like, "Look,
I'm not a rule maker."
I was like, "Well, you're
acting like a rule maker,
'cause those are not the rules."
And she just--she goes,
"Cut it off, all right?"
And guess what.
I cut it off.
I cut it off,
and now I think about her
every day.
[laughter and applause]
Every day,
I think about her.
I just want to find her again.
I really do.
If she ever sees this,
you are not right, all right?
I was completely right.
This is, I think,
the only way.
[laughter and applause]
You were wrong about it all.
I travel a lot doing comedy,
which is great.
I've been to, like,
a bunch of different countries,
and I--like,
it's all wasted on me.
It would be better
for you guys to go than me.
I don't know where I'm at,
like, in the world,
like, when I'm there.
Like, I could be an hour
from my parents
or, like, five days.
I'm like, "I don't know.
It's somewhere, you know?"
I went to Bahrain,
and I told people
I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia,
like it was the city
of Saudi Arabia.
And they were like, "You know
Bahrain's its own country."
I was like, "Are they now?
Good for those guys, you know?
Yeah, that's good.
Good for them."
I went to Honduras.
I went there.
Pretty--I have a pretty decent
fan base there, and...
[laughter]
Yeah, this special's
gonna blow that place up once--
I mean, they're gonna be like,
"Wow, that's unbelievable."
A lot of fans,
and it's--
No, I'm joking.
[laughs]
It was--it was a USO tour,
so we go.
And I remember
I went to the airport,
and I, like, told the guy--
I was like, "Hey,
I'm going to Honduras."
And the guy was like,
"All right, like, what city?"
And I was like, "Well, I mean,
I'm just learning right now
that's not the name
of the city."
[laughter and applause]
"Ugh.
"You know, where do you think
I would be going?
"Like, looking at me,
which plane do you want me
to get on?"
We land in Honduras,
and this guy picks us up.
He's driving us
to the army base,
and on the way there,
he was like, "Look.
There's a couple things
you got to keep an eye out for."
He's like,
"When you go to bed at night,
"you got to check your bed
for spiders.
Like,
spiders hide in your bed."
He's basically just like,
"You're not gonna sleep.
Hope that's cool."
And then he's like,
"There's a lot of snakes too,
"a lot of venomous snakes,
so keep an eye out for snakes.
"But if you do get bit
by a snake,
"the best thing to do is go
ahead and just catch the snake
"and then bring it with you
to the doctor.
"And you're just gonna be like,
'This is the snake
that bit me.'"
And I was like, "What?
"I'm not gonna do
that part of it.
"Like, you want me
to catch a snake, dude?
"I've never caught a snake
in my life.
"And you want me to get bit.
"Then I got to get it together
and catch a snake
for the first time?"
I was like,
"It's not gonna go good.
"He's gonna keep biting me.
That's all that's gonna happen."
And he was like,
"It doesn't matter.
You've already been bit."
And I was like, "What?
"Do you even know
what a snake is?
"Because it completely matters.
"There is a huge difference
between one bite
"and probably 30 bites,
"which is what we will be at
if I try to catch this snake.
"Like, who told you to say this,
the snake?
Is that who you asked?"
[laughter and applause]
I don't believe in science,
you know?
That's just--
I don't understand it,
so it's easier
not to believe in it as a whole.
That gets you
out of a lot of arguments.
If you're just like,
"I don't believe in science,"
they're like, "All right,
do you need help or..."
Scientists
could be making stuff up.
That's a great job to have
if you want to make stuff up,
'cause no one--
no one can challenge you.
You know?
No one, like...
Nobody'll say anything.
Like, they don't even get
in trouble if they mess up.
Like, the Earth
was 2 billion years old.
Then they're like,
"Now it's 4 billion years old."
It's like,
"All right, like,
how many people got fired
after that?"
And they're like, "Nobody."
You're like, "Really?
Y'all just--nothing?
'Cause y'all were way off."
I read beetles
are 320 million years old.
It's like, "Are they?
"Or you just know that I don't
know how to figure that out?
'Cause you could be doing that,
you know?"
Like, I feel like that's
your first job as a scientist.
Like, when you go,
they would just probably do
the beetles thing.
They're just like,
"Go see how old beetles are."
Like when you're a new scientist
and then you're--
You know, you don't think--
the guys are just--
Those guys are, like,
back there, like,
"Just write--
write 320 million.
"Like, it doesn't matter.
Like, who's even gonna check,
you know?"
It's like,
"No one's gonna question us.
We can change it
at any point."
Pluto, you know,
Pluto's not a planet.
Or it might be a planet.
I don't know.
They change it
every five seconds.
The last I heard,
it's not,
and that's, like, crazy.
That's when I left science.
I was like, "I'm out."
Like, "You can't do that.
"You can't jam Pluto
down my throat my whole life,
"and then the second
I get out of school,
you're like, 'We were just
kidding about Pluto.'"
It affected me.
In elementary school,
I got a C minus on a test
because I forgot
to put Pluto,
and turns out,
I should've got above an A.
That's what I should've got.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
I should've been asked
to teach the class.
I should've immediately
taught that class
and be like,
"Nate's apparently the best."
I never believed in Pluto,
you know?
I said, "It's too far."
That's what I told people.
I go, "You just--
you guys will see."
[laughter]
[laughs]
I watched a thing
on60 Minutesonce
about, like,
this guy with animals.
It was about buying tigers.
Like, you can buy--
Like,
if you guys want a tiger,
there's a guy you can go to,
and you can buy a tiger
if you want.
And I was like--see,
they did this
whole undercover reporting.
And they filmed, like,
where he keeps tigers.
And then, you know, they, like,
asked him afterwards.
They're like, "Hey,
do you think it's too easy
to buy a tiger in this country?"
And he was like,
"Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is."
And that was, like,
my favorite part, you know?
I was like,
"That's why America's the best."
I didn't even know
you could buy tigers.
I would've been embarrassed
to ask.
And then I watched this,
and I was like,
"I don't even have to jump
through hoops
if I want to buy a tiger."
It's not an all-day thing.
It's an hour.
I'll be right back
with our tiger.
And everybody wants
to get rid of guns, you know,
like guns are the problem,
but what makes me nervous is,
like, you take away
guns from people,
those are the exact same people
that will buy tigers.
[laughter and applause]
That's gonna be a much bigger
problem, all right?
You're probably gonna be like,
"Look, here's your gun back."
They'll be like,
"No, I'm good.
"My tiger is way better
than my gun.
"My gun missed all the time.
"My tiger rarely misses.
"Even if he does miss,
"it's just for a second.
It's never long."
Like, if a guy dodges a tiger
and he's like,
"Your dumb tiger missed,"
it's like, "Well, he did not.
"He's right behind you now.
And he is furious,
so..."
You know that saying, like,
"Guns don't kill people;
people kill people"?
The new saying
will just be like,
"These tigers
are killing people."
I don't know.
It won't be a good saying.
It'll just be asking, like,
"Do you know where
your tiger's at by any chance?
"Do you have any idea?
You don't know?
That's--all right.
That's a big problem."
It's--
[laughs]
I love doing comedy, though.
It's great.
The show's almost over,
just so you guys know.
I like to let--
I like to let everybody know
where we're at.
We're about done.
I think it makes you feel better
when you're like,
"All right, thanks.
Thanks."
Like, how many movies you go to,
and then you're just like,
"Jeez,
this is taking forever."
And if a guy, like,
popped in the screen,
was like,
"It's about to wrap..."
Yeah.
[laughter and applause]
It's...
[applause continues]
I know. I know.
Two more seconds.
[laughs]
And you're like,
"Thanks, man.
That was, you know..."
I love doing comedy.
I was--there was a time
I was gonna quit.
I was gonna quit early on.
I tried.
Then there was no one
to quit to,
no one.
Here's why I do it,
or I think why.
My dad--my dad
is an entertainer as well.
He's a magician.
Still is a magician.
Started as a clown.
Just, you know,
I don't want to come off
like I come
from some rich magic family...
[laughter]
And I'm better than you guys.
You know,
he paid his dues,
his clown dues.
It's weird
when your dad's a clown.
It's weird every day.
[laughter]
It's--I never
trusted clowns, you know?
Like, have you ever
been yelled at by a clown?
I have.
Do you know how confusing
that is,
to get screamed at by a guy
that's got a smile
painted on his face?
[laughter]
You're like,
"Is this not the same clown
those kids are gonna see
outside?"
He was a clown
till I was about 12 and 13,
and that's about as long as
you want your dad to be a clown.
When you're six and seven,
there's perks, absolutely.
By the time you're 12 and 13,
kids at school are like,
"Is he still doing that?"
You're like,
"You know, off and on.
"All right, guys?
"Yeah, he's almost
full-time magic, so..."
I--like, it's funny, too,
when I tell people
that my dad was a clown.
People will just be like,
"Oh, I hate clowns."
It's like, "Hey, remember--
remember that time
I just said my dad was a clown?"
[laughter and applause]
"I just said that.
You're just like,
'I hate your father.'"
[laughter]
[laughs]
Hanging out with comedians
is, like, some of the best,
the funnest time--
I don't know--
because comedians are crazy.
They can be.
Like, a good buddy of mine
is a comedian.
His name's Luis J. Gomez,
and...
(woman)
Whoo!
Big fans.
A couple Luis J. Gomez fans.
Me and Luis once, we go
to McDonald's to go eat, right?
Like, I'm a big fan,
so, uh...
And everybody acts like,
when I go there,
they're like, "Haven't
been here in forever."
It's like, "Don't act like
I'm the one keeping 'em afloat.
All right? You know?
Someone's coming here."
So we go in.
[laughs]
We ordered our food,
and then we take our food,
and we sit down at our table.
And then Luis
went to the bathroom.
He left me alone
with his food.
So I was, "You know what?
I'm gonna play a prank on him."
So I grabbed his hamburger.
I unwrapped it.
I took a bite out of it.
Then I wrapped it back up.
I put it back down
on his tray.
So that's my big prank,
right?
Like, when he comes back
from the bathroom,
I'll be like, "Dude,
did they eat your burger
"before they gave it to you?
"That's crazy that they're
doing that, right?
Is that crazy?"
It's a stupid prank.
It's harmless.
It should never leave the table.
All that should happen is,
Luis should come back,
he should open his burger,
his first reaction should be
to look at his best friend,
who's sitting with him,
who also, by the way,
dabbles in comedy...
[laughter and applause]
And just be like, "Hey, I just
wanted to run this by you,
"uh, before I unexpectedly
go freak out
on this entire McDonald's."
That's what I thought
would go down,
just a quick, "Hey,
did you touch my food
"the only time
it was out of my sight?
"I just want to know
"before I try to fight
a group of people
"that are gonna be
pretty confused
on why they're fighting."
But instead, I got to learn
I'm friends with a lunatic
and a guy comfortable
fighting McDonald's employees,
because he opened his burger
and could not
have ignored me quicker.
He looked at them so fast,
almost like he expected them
to do it, like...
[laughter]
Like it's happened before,
and he's like, "Again?
Again with this?"
He just starts yelling
at everybody, just,
"I'm gonna fight everybody till
I find out who ate my burger."
He gets up.
He starts walking towards 'em.
I can't believe
this is even working.
We are so much farther
than I'm prepared to get.
So I grab him;
I was like,
"Dude, I ate your burger.
I ate it.
"Why would you
not look at me once
to see if I did this?"
I walked him back to the table,
and we sit down,
but it's already, like, weird.
Like, everybody's, like,
looking at us.
It takes ten minutes
for people to quit filming us
with their phones.
And it hits me.
I start, like,
thinking about it.
I go, "Dude."
I go, "Luis.
"You're out of your mind.
You're gonna get killed
one day, dude."
I was like, "You were
about to go fight a guy."
I was like, "Let's pretend
I'm not here, all right?
"Let's pretend that someone
did eat your burger
"that worked at this McDonald's.
"You were gonna go
blindly fight that guy.
"Not even try to size him up,
see what he looks like?
"Do you really think
you could beat up a guy
"that is apparently
pretty confident in himself
"that he's making burgers,
he's then eating 'em,
"and then he's wrapping 'em up
and just sending 'em out
to whoever?"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"You don't think
that guy's probably
"the greatest fighter
of all time?
"I think you're gonna walk
to that McDonald's counter
"and be like,
'Who ate my burger?'
"And all the McDonald's
employees are gonna part ways.
"They know exactly
who you're talking about.
"In the very back,
you're gonna see a guy
"cracking his neck.
"He's got his fist
in the fryer,
"doesn't even know it.
He's just warming
his hands up."
Guys, thank you so much
for coming out.
You were unbelievable.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat rock music]
Thank you.
Thank you.
You were great.
[projector whirs]