Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool (2011) Movie Script
- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.
- HA HA!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
- I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?
- HELLOOO.
- I REALLY AM SO EXCITED
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
- WE GOT TWO MINUTES
TILL SHOW, OKAY?
TWO MINUTES.
- HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?
- MINE. HE WAS LONELY,
SO I BROUGHT HIM.
- OKAY, WELL,
I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
- YOU'RE SUPER LOW
ON CRU D'ETE.
IS THERE SOMEONE
WE COULD TALK TO?
- I KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET THE SET READY FOR...
- I'M HUNGRY.
- OKAY, I'LL GET IT.
OH, I THINK THEY NEED
MORE CRU D'ETE
IN THE GREEN ROOM.
THANKS, MAN.
- CRU D'ETE?
EXCUSE ME!
I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?
LOOK AT WHA I HAVE CREATED.
WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESE
OUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?
THIS IS
FOR DECORATION PURPOSES!
NO! NO!
ABSOLUTELY NO!
HELLO, CREW? YES.
THERE HAS BEEN
A STRING CHEESE INCIDENT,
AND I IS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?
DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICES
TABLE, ALL RIGHT?
IT IS MY ART.
IT IS MY CANVAS.
WOULD YOU GO UP
TO A VAN GOGH PAINTING
AND SMEAR [bleep]
DIARRHEA ON IT?
NO, YOU WOULDN'T.
[walkie-talkie crackling]
SECURITY! HELLO?
- TSK.
OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB.
LIKE, I'M SECURITY.
[cash register rings]
IS IT ALL RIGH IF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?
- SURE, YEAH.
[wand beeping and whistling]
[rhythmic beeping]
- WE COULD MAKE
BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.
- I'M SORRY?
- OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARD
SOMETHING,
SO NOW I HAVE
TO SEARCH YOU
BECAUSE OF, LIKE,
THE WAR ON TERROR.
LIKE, REST IN PEACE!
- ALL RIGHT,
I THINK I'M ALL SAFE.
- OH, OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS
ABOUT YOU
IS THAT I COULD
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
- HEY, TAKE CARE.
- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.
OKAY, BABE. NEXT.
NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE.
- UGH. I HAVEN'T BEEN
ON A LINE THIS LONG
SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OU FREE DIAPHRAGMS
AT THAT HIGH SCHOOL.
[jazz riff]
- I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONE
OF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS.
- OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF.
- YEAH, SURE.
- WHOOP GOLDBERG.
- BILL CRYSTAL.
- YOU KNOW WHO
THE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC
ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?
- WHO'S THAT?
- PAUL REISER.
- OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU.
- HE'S FUNNY.
- HE IS.
- HE'S...
both: NATURALLY FUNNY.
- [Spanish accent]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT.
THE SHOW
WILL BEGIN SHORTLY.
KOO KOO RIKOO!
KOO KOO RIKOO!
AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAMAS AND CABALLEROS,
DIRECT ON THIS STAGE,
SECURITY GUARD
ROBERT BRUSCHA.
- NOT YET?
[cheers and applause]
AH HA HA HA HA HA.
HELLO.
MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA,
AKA BOBBY B,
AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, VERY COOL.
VERY COOL.
OKAY, I'M
THE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY,
AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOU
FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,
SAFETY FIRST.
BUT ALSO...
BE DANGEROUS.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVER
SOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS,
AS FAR AS THE RULES
AND REGULATIONS GO
HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?
SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES,
UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTAN CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS.
LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE,
LIKE, JIMMY Z
OR DANNY DO,
'CAUSE, LIKE,
HE ALWAYS DOES.
NO DRINKING
TO "ASSESS," OKAY?
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?
LIKE, I WAS ONCE
AND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS,
I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUES AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFC
TAILGATING EVENTS,
AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS...
I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRL
TO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION.
BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY
AND MOMENTS BEFORE
EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSED
KOBE BEEF SLIDERS.
AT WHICH POINT, I FELL
INTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION,
BECAUSE TO DRINK WATER
IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS.
BUT I DIGEST.
A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT.
IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE,
PUT IT OUT.
ALSO, IF THERE'S,
LIKE, AN EARTHQUAKE,
JUST BE LIKE,
"NOT TODAY."
FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO DON'T KNOW,
AN EARTHQUAKE,
AS A SCIENTIST SPEAKING,
IS LIKE A PLATONIC SHIFT.
SO THAT'S LIKE WHEN
ONE PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,
"OH, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."
AND THE OTHER PAR OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,
"NO, I BOUGHT YOU DINNER.
LET'S DO THIS."
I WOULD SAY TO YOU ALSO,
LIKE, I'M
NOT ONLY A SECURITY GUARD,
BUT I DO A NUMBER
OF OTHER THINGS PROFESSIONALLY.
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE,
I AM THE AUTHOR OF A NUMBER
OF EARLY STAGE PYRAMID SCHEMES.
I'M ALSO
A RECORD PRODUCER.
SO, LIKE, HIT ME UP
ON MYSPACE OR WHATEVER.
YOU CAN FIND ME
UNDER MY DJ NAME,
WHICH IS
DJ ORIENTAL IMMIGRANT,
BECAUSE, LIKE, I LAY DOWN
CRAZY TRACKS.
AND, LIKE,
THAT'S NOT RACIST,
'CAUSE I JERK OFF
TO ASIAN GIRLS.
SO IN A SUMMARIZATION
FINALITY
OF WHAT I COULD BE
SAYING TO YOU,
AND I WILL SAY,
AND IT WILL BE ON MY TOMBSTONE.
IN CONCLUSION,
REMEMBER,
VODKA,
JESUS,
REVENGE.
[cheers and applause]
- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED
BY WEBSITES.
DO YOU LOVE THE INTERNET,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO GO ON IT?
TRY WEBSITES!
[cheers and applause]
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME TO THE STAGE
NICK KROLL!
[cheers and applause]
- ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR.
I AM SO EXCITED
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
UH, I FEEL HONESTLY
LIKE THIS IS LIKE
MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH.
AND I'M HOPING
THAT THIS ENDS
WITH A HAND JOB
FROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL.
UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYS
ENOUGH FOR COMING OUT,
AND I KNOW YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR SOME COMEDY,
AND THERE WILL BE SOME,
BUT--BUT I...
I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY,
AND THERE'S, LIKE,
EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV.
LIKE,
IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE
YOU'VE WALKED
INTO THE STAR WARS BAR.
THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDS
ON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND.
SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE,
FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS
AT THE SAME TIME.
YANEK YAK YAK
YANEK YAK YOW
MY FAVORITE PERSON
I SAW THERE
WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN,
WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAG
OF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON.
MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT THE DMV
IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELY
COMFORTABLE FARTING THERE.
NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE
WOULD I TREA WITH SUCH DISDAIN.
I WAS STANDING ON LINE,
AND I JUST CROP-DUSTED
THE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME.
LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE,
I HAD EATEN, LIKE,
A TUNA OREO PARMESAN.
AND THEN I HAD, LIKE,
A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA.
I CAME HOME
AND WAS LIKE,
"WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?
BRISKET AND YOGURT."
AND I WAKE UP
LATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK,
GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFUL
OF ALMONDS,
LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"
AND THEN, NUT FARTS
ALL DAY LONG.
AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE,
AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM.
LIKE,
A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL
COULD HAVE RUN OU ON FIRE.
LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHER
HAD BEEN THERE,
HE WOULD HAVE WON
A PULITZER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND SO THE WOMAN
BEHIND ME WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I NEVER."
AND I WAS LIKE, "PAY
YOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?
THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELL
MY NUT FARTS!"
OKAY.
I LOVE HIP-HOP.
I LOVE, LIKE,
MID-'90s HIP-HOP,
LIKE TUPAC AND BIGGIE,
RIGHT?
- WHOO!
- WHOO! GIVE IT UP
FOR WHITE PEOPLE!
DRIVES ME CRAZY
THAT THOSE DUDES GOT KILLED,
AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.
NOT FUNNY...
YET.
JUST GIVE IT,
LIKE, 30 SECONDS.
IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT TUPAC
AND BIGGIE GOT KILLED,
AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.
AND I'M LIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE'VE BEEN GOING AT I THE WRONG WAY.
LIKE, WHO STOOD TO PROFI THE MOST FROM THEIR DEATHS?
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE
THAT IT WAS THE AIRBRUSH
PORTRAIT ARTISTS.
AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED
IF THE HUGE
DENIM JACKET INDUSTRY
HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH IT AS WELL.
- CLEAR A PATH!
YOU OKAY?
- CAN I JUST HAVE
A GLASS OF WHITE WINE?
- ACTUALLY, UH,
ONCE THE SHOW STARTS,
WE DON'T SERVE
ANYMORE ALCOHOL.
- OH, CRAP.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE
TWO EMPTY MARTINI GLASSES?
OR IS THAT ALSO ILLEGAL,
DICK CHENEY?
- TOPICAL.
- AND NOW A, UH,
BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE.
- THIS IS A TV TAPING,
SO THERE ARE RULES
ABOUT ALCOHOL.
- ARE YOU JOKING ME?
WE GOT WASTED
AT THAT WEBSTER TV TAPING
WE WENT TO.
- FROM WHAT I REMEMBER,
WEBSTER WAS A SHOW
ABOUT A SMALL BLACK MAN
WHO'S OWNED BY
TWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE.
- HE WASN'T OWNED,
YOU WEIRD LIBERAL RACIST.
- WHOA!
- 'SCUSE ME.
- WE ARE NOT RACISTS.
TELL HIM, GIL.
- I STALKED PHYLICIA RASHAD
FOR THREE MONTHS.
- A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED.
- SO...
- LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRY
FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M GOING
THROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL.
- YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU NEED TO GET INTO
SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK.
YOU KNOW--
SHAKER, PLEASE.
- OR YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY,
"OOH, TOUCH
MY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER
"TILL IT GETS CHUBBY
AND CRIES YOGURT."
- YEAH.
- GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAY
IN THE BEDROOM?
- NO ONE TALKS
DURING THE ACT.
ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.
NOW, IF YOU COULD
JUST GET ME
A COUPLE OF CANS
OF TUNA FISH.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?
- I AM CARRYING.
- WE'RE MAKING
TUNA-TINI, BABY.
- SOME PEOPLE KNOW I AS A MARTUNA.
- THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY
KNOWS IT AS
THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.
- THERE'S A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT THIS DRINK.
I WAS HAVING LUNCH
WITH DICK VAN PATTEN,
AND I TURNED TO DICK
AT ONE POINT,
AND I SAID, "DICK,
THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA
"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,
BUT MY MARTUNA
NEEDS MORE TUNA,"
AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT.
- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THA TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"
IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE.
- AND THEY CANCELLED
OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.
- SO...
- SO...
LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA
TO THIS.
- TO THE NICK KROLL
COMEDY SPECIAL...
NOT.
- [laughs]
LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.
- MMM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
both: YOU CAN REALLY
TASTE THE TUNA.
- THANK YOU
FOR THE HOSPITALITY.
- UH, BEFORE YOU GO,
CAN I HAVE MY SHAKER BACK?
- WHAT'S THAT?
- SOMEBODY TOOK MY SHAKER.
- WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?
- LET'S SEE YOUR BAGS.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUC FOR HEALTH.
- UH, THIS IS
THE HOT NEW THING,
WHICH IS "WARKMAN."
- OH, YEAH,
THIS IS DOG GIAMATTI.
IT'S A DOG NAMED
AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI,
'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.
THIS GUY CALLED ME UP
ONE NIGHT,
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS
A HEAVY BREATHER,
SO I J'D,
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
I SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUG,"
AND IT WAS.
- YOU HAVE MY SHAKER!
- WHAT THE...
- OH, IT FELL IN THERE
BY ACCIDENT.
- OH, THIS WAS THIS.
- OH, AND I'VE GO A LITTLE, UH,
STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY.
WHERE COULD TWO GUYS GO
AND DO A LITTLE COCAINE?
- UH, OUTSIDE?
- OKAY, SO THE BATHROOM?
- WE WILL SEE YOU
AROUND, JACK.
- UH, I PREFER NOT TO.
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI.
WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A BIT, BUDDY.
- WHOOPI?
- YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE
KIDS ONE DAY.
AND BESIDES THE FAC THAT HAVING A CHILD
MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,
WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME
IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO
EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,
LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUS HAPPENED,
OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS,
OR WHO EXACTLY
MICHAEL JACKSON WAS.
AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES
ALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT,
LET'S JUST REMEMBER
THAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED,
ALL WE DID WAS
MAKE FUN OF HIM.
AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD
DOES NOT MEAN
HE WASN'T HILARIOUS.
SO CAN WE ALL GET ONBOARD
WITH THIS?
WONDERFUL.
[cheers and applause]
SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID,
AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE,
"DADDY,
WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"
BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS
THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN
AND DANCER AND SINGER."
"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"
"UH..."
"WELL, WHEN HE WAS
A LITTLE BOY,
"HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOME
LITTLE BLACK KID
WITH VERY KIND EYES
AND A VERY SWEET SMILE."
"WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"
"IN HIS TWENTIES,
MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKE
THE JAZZY LIZARD KING."
"WHAT ABOU WHEN HE WAS OLDER?
YOU CAN GIVE ME
VARIOUS EXAMPLES."
"THAT'S [bleep] COOL OF YOU.
IS IT WEIRD
THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"
"I ONLY SEE YOU,
LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."
"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S
A BITCH."
"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"
"ALL RIGHT, UM...
"HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A...
LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON
WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."
"DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"
"YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS
WITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."
"THAT SEEMS
LIKE A RED FLAG."
"I KNOW,
WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
"I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL YOU.
"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
"HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS
WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.
HE PUT HIM
IN A MUSIC VIDEO."
"WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"
"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."
"WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"
"UH...
"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,
"BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAIL
OF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM,
"HE LIVED
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,
AND, EVENTUALLY,
HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."
"DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"
"YEP. YES, HE DID.
"UH, HE HAD
A BUNCH OF BROTHERS,
AND THEY ALL LOOKED
LIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."
"WHAT DID HIS DADDY
LOOK LIKE?"
"HIS DAD...
"WHO I LEARNED MOS OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,
"LOOKED KIND OF LIKE
IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN
[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."
- OH, HELLO.
DO YOU DIG ME?
- OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH
IN THE CORRECT PLACE.
THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM.
I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM
ATTENDANT.
MY NAME IS
BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.
- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD
FROM THE STAGE.
- I'M LIKE
A JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH.
I DO, LIKE,
BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.
- OKAY, WELL, UM,
I HAVE A HEADACHE,
AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS
HAD SOME ASPIRIN.
- OH, OKAY. I CAN GET RID
OF YOUR HEADACHE.
- I REALLY JUST NEED
AN ASPIRIN.
- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,
I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.
- NO, THAT IS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS.
- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.
COLOGNE?
- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA
HELP ME WITH MY HEADACHE.
- OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDS
FOR YOUR HEADACHE?
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT?
- NO.
NO! PUT THAT--
I AM NOT.
NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.
- OH, OKAY.
THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATH
FOR KISSES.
- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--
OKAY, NO, NO, NO.
I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE
I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,
SO I HAVE TO INTERAC WITH YOU.
I FIND YOU REPULSIVE.
- THANK YOU.
I LOVE YOU. HA HA.
[loud sniffing]
- OH, MY GOD.
both: OHH!
HELLOOO.
- WE'RE JUST DOING
A LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.
- SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?
- HEY, LET ME ASK YOU
ANOTHER QUESTION.
ARE YOU
ONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES
WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?
- A WHAT?
- AND "B," IF SO,
DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?
- AND "C," DO YOU ACCEP EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?
- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.
THIS IS
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED
THE MEN'S TOILE WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S.
- IT LOOKS
LIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE.
- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.
WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETS
WITH OUR GENITALIA.
- MINE LOOKS LIKE
A BUNCH OF GRAY FLAPS.
[toilet flushes]
- I LOVE COMEDY
MORE THAN ANYTHING,
AND I'M LUCKY
THAT I GET TO DO IT,
BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE
OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
LIKE, I--I REMEMBER
I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,
AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY,
AND THEY'D THROW
SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.
LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONE
INTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"SO, NICK, WHAT'S
YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"
AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED
BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.
I JUST PANICKED.
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"UMMM!
I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS
IS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."
[panting, sighs]
BUT I DO BELIEVE
YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,
AND, UH, THAT'S WHY
I ACTUALLY KEEP
A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.
BUT THEN, LIKE,
JUST TO BE FAIR,
I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DAD
NEXT TO IT,
SO THAT I CAN HAVE
A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.
DOING COMEDY, I, UH...
I TRAVEL A LOT.
I'M IN AIRPORTS
CONSTANTLY.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
GOING TO THE AIRPOR IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,
A CRAZY GROWTH
IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING
THAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS,
OR THE AMOUNT OF STORES
THAT ARE IN AIRPORTS.
LIKE, WHO'S MAKING
BIG-TICKET PURCHASES
AT THE AIRPORTS?
LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY
IS BUYING A SUITCASE
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING
A CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE.
LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP
TO THE AIRPORT LIKE,
"WHAT DID I FORGET?
"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
"GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.
"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED
THAT SAME SOCK AGAIN.
"ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
A SUITCASE!"
[panting]
BUT ALL OF THA I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP
AT THE AIRPORT,
YOUR HUDSON NEWS,
WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINES
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE
SELLING THEM THERE
IN A SECTION CALLED
"MEN'S INTERESTS."
WHO'S ROLLING UP
AND IT'S LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT,
LET'S SEE, UM..."
[pops lips]
"LET ME GE A BAG OF TRAIL MIX
"THAT I'LL EA ONE HANDFUL OF
"AND THEN KEEP IN MY BACKPACK
FOR SIX WEEKS.
"HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES
LOOKS LIKE A GOOD MAGAZINE.
"AND A $23 BOTTLE
OF DASANI WATER,
AND I'M READY TO GO."
IF YOU'RE STILL USING
PORNO MAGAZINES,
YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLING
EVERYONE
THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE INTERNET IS.
USING A PORNO MAGAZINE
IS BEING LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICAN WHEN I HAVE SEX.
I JUST USE
THIS CUP OF SAND."
AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE
WITH YOUR PORNO MAGAZINE?
WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE--
IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,
STEWARDESS?
I'M GONNA NEED
A BLANKET, PLEASE."
TRAVELING A LOT,
I, UH...I DRUNK PACK.
DO WE ALL KNOW
WHAT DRUNK PACKING IS?
[cheers and applause]
RIGHT? JUST LIKE
YOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE...
"GONNA WATCH THIS EXTENZE
INFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"
"POUR MYSELF A CUP OF WATER,
AND THEN FORGET ABOUT I ON THIS TABLE."
"AND NOW IT IS TIME
TO PACK
FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIP
TO JAMAICA."
"WHAT DO I NEED FOR FIVE DAYS
IN JAMAICA?
ONE UNDERWEARS."
"SIX BOW TIES."
[laughing]
[long squealing laugh]
"I'M GONNA BRING
THIS BULKY SANTA SUI WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"
"IT'S GONNA BE
SO HOT IN JAMAICA.
"BIRCHMAN'S GONNA BE LIKE,
"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU
BRING A SANTA SUIT?'
"AND THEM I'M GONNA BE LIKE,
"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU
TOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK
WHEN WE WERE KIDS?'"
"I'M GONNA BRING
SOME WEED,
"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
IF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE
ANY WEED IN JAMAICA."
"WHAT'S THIS?
"PICTURES
FROM SEVENTH GRADE?"
"I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESE
FOR 45 MINUTES."
"WHAT HAPPENED
TO JEN RIESER?
" DUH DUH DUH!
FACEBOOK DETECTIVE."
"WHOA...
"PSSH! WHAT'S UP, JEN?
"I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.
"DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
"ANYWAY, I SEE YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
"THINGS ARE GOOD FOR ME.
"I'M SO SORRY I SAID
"THAT YOU PUT TAMPONS
IN YOUR BUTT.
"AWW, I NEVER FORGOT YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
"I KILLED MY LITTLE BROTHER.
SEND."
"NOW I'M GETTING SLEEPY."
"GONNA TURN MY CELL PHONE
ALARM CLOCK ON 'SILENT.'"
"OH, I GOTTA FIGURE OU WHAT I'M GONNA PACK IN.
AH, I'LL JUST GE A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT."
[cheers and applause]
- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED
BY THE SHOILET.
THAT'S A SHOWER
AND TOILET IN ONE.
DO YOU WANT TO USE
THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING,
BUT YOU ALSO NEED
TO USE THE TOILET?
LET'S DO IT IN ONE.
OKAY!
IT'S GRINGO TECHNOLOGY.
ECO-CONSCIOUS.
USE A SHOILET!
TAKE A [bleep]
IN THE SHOWER!
- AND WE'RE BACK
FROM COMMERCIAL.
YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
AND I AM SIMULCASTING
NICK KROLL'S
THANK YOU VERY COOL
AQUI EN
[echoing]
NUEVE UNO UNO PUNTO NUEVE
DOT COM!
AND I'M HERE WITH A BABY!
QUE PASA, BABY?
QUE PASA, BABY?
"SOY UN BEBE!"
THAT'S WHAT I SAID,
YOU'RE A BABY!
AND I'M HERE
WITH AN OLD MAN.
QUE PASA, OLD MAN?
"HEY THERE.
YO SOY MUY VIEJO."
YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD,
YOU OLD MAN.
AND WHAT IS
MY THIRD GUEST?
"YO SOY UN GOAT."
OH! HELLO, GOAT!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
HOW ARE YOU
FEELING TODAY?
"I'M VERY HUNGRY.
TENGO HAMBRE."
OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?
WHAT WOULD YOU EA IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?
"GARBAGE."
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU STUPID GOAT.
I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
"NO! DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!"
[imitating baby crying]
"GOO GOO GWAH."
"HE DON'T LIKE I WHEN YOU ARGUE."
OH, YOU'RE TALKING
TO ME, OLD MAN?
I FIGHT YOU
WITH MY FISTS!
"NO, DON'T FIGH WITH THE FISTS."
"GOO GOO GWAH!"
EVERYBODY BE QUIET!
WE HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE SHOW.
"WHAT'S THE SHOW?"
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S SOME GRINGO
NAMED NICK KROLL.
"WHO IS HE?"
[mutters]
"HE DOES
LOTS OF CHARACTERS."
OH, SO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY,
OLD MAN?
"SI.
I VISIT WEBSITES."
HEY, GOAT,
YOU STUPID GOAT,
IT'S TIME TO DO
THE TRAFFIC REPORT.
[bleats]
"AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."
OKAY, THANK YOU
FOR THE TRAFFIC REPORT.
[maracas shaking,
horns beep]
IT'S NOW TIME
FOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY,
THE JOKE OF THE DAY!
THE JOKE OF THE DAY!
WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDING
A WORM IN YOUR APPLE?
AIDS.
AIDS IS WORSE.
IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!
[canned laughter
and applause]
I DO FIND DATING
SO DIFFICULT TO DO WELL,
AND, LIKE...
MY FRIEND ONE TIME WAS LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD, LIKE,
BE CASUAL.
JUST, LIKE,
GO ON A COFFEE DATE."
I'M LIKE,
WHO GOES ON COFFEE DATES?
HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEEN
ON A COFFEE DATE BEFORE?
IT SEEMS
LIKE THE WORST IDEA.
IT'S LIKE,
"GO ON A COFFEE DATE."
OH, YEAH,
'CAUSE MY BEST FOOT FORWARD
IS JITTERY WITH DIARRHEA
AND COFFEE BREATH.
FOR THE SAKE
OF THIS NEXT JOKE,
LIKE, I'M NOT GREA AT SEX, AND...
LIKE, ON A SCALE
OF ONE TO PRINCE,
ONE BEING THE WORS AND FOR SOME REASON
IN MY MIND,
PRINCE IS THE BEST PERSON
IN THE WORLD AT SEX.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE,
THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW,
OR, LIKE,
THE VELOUR ONESIES.
BUT I PICTURE PRINCE
LIKE THIS TINY HUMMINGBIRD
WHO JUST COMES UP
AND JUST SORT OF LIKE
[bleep] YOU
FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS,
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
[crying]
"THANK YOU, PRINCE!
THANK YOU!"
AND HE'S JUST LIKE...
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
SO ON THAT SCALE
OF ONE TO PRINCE,
I WOULD SAY
I'M LIKE JIM BELUSHI.
BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,
WHO HERE THINKS
THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME
OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY
TO THE DIARRHEA REFINERY?
[applause]
GOOD ENOUGH.
I DRIVE BY THAT PLACE,
AND I'M LIKE, "OOF.
"OOF MAGOOF.
SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOU THE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."
AND I JUST WANT TO ADDRESS
THAT I KNOW
THAT I TALK ABOUT FARTING
AND POOPING
AND DIARRHEA A LOT.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I DO I 'CAUSE I THINK
IT'S SO FUNNY.
EVEN MORE THAN TALKING
ABOUT DIARRHEA,
I LIKE TO GOOGLE
THE WORD DIARRHEA,
BUT THEN SPELL IT WRONG,
'CAUSE THEN GOOGLE HAS TO BE
LIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"
AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,
"GOOGLE, GROW UP!"
- WHY DOES HE HAVE A SPECIAL?
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL
ABOUT HIM!
I'M THE ARTIST!
YOU KNOW WHA THIS AUDIENCE NEEDS
IS A LITTLE FABRICE FABRICE.
[feedback whistles]
- YO, GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE.
I'M TAKING THE STAGE.
AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
FABRICE FABRICE.
[upbeat electronic music]
- THIS IS EATING TIME
OUT OF MY SPECIAL.
- OH, HELLO,
YOU [bleep] ASS BITCHES!
MY NAME IS
FABRICE FABRICE,
THE BEAST FROM THE EAST.
THE NAME SO NICE,
YOU HAVE TO SAY I AGAIN.
AND I'M THE CATERER HERE
AT THE NICK KROLL
THANK YOU VERY COOL SPECIAL.
YEAH, IT'S FUN.
NICK SAID, "OH, IF YOU
WANT TO GO ON STAGE,
YOU CAN GO UP THERE."
I SAID, "I'M NO GONNA AX YOU TO GO ON STAGE!
I'M GON' TAKE THE STAGE."
AND HE SAID, "OKAY."
I SAID, "ALL RIGHT!"
HE SAID, "FAIR ENOUGH."
I SAID, "VERY GOOD."
HE SAID, "COOL."
AND I SAID, "YOU'RE JEWISH."
AND HE SAID,
"THAT'S TRUE,"
SO THAT WAS THAT SCENARIO.
I HAVE ALSO WORKED A A NUMBER OF AWARDS CEREMONIES.
BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
EVERY YEAR,
THERE'S SOME ACTOR
WHO GETS NOMINATED
FOR PLAYING A RETARDED PERSON.
NOW, I AM NOT ALLOWED
TO SAY "RETARDED" ON TV,
SO WHAT I'M GONNA SAY
IS A FRITTATA PERSON.
THERE'S NOT A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN CELEBRITIES
AND FRITTATAS.
THEY BOTH
GET DRIVEN EVERYWHERE,
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS AXING
WHO DRESSED THEM,
AND IF YOU MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH THEM,
THEY [bleep]
FLIP OUT AT YOU.
NOW, MY ONE TRUE PASSION
IN LIFE,
THE ONE THING THAT I LOVE,
THE ONE THING
THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY,
THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS
ME HOPE AND JOY
IS SPOKEN-WORD POETRY.
SLAM POETRY--
THAT IS GOOD STUFF.
IT IS HARD TO DO.
IT'S LIKE RAPPING,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RHYME.
SO I'M GONNA DO
A SPOKEN-WORD POEM FOR YOU
RIGHT ON THE SPOT.
ALL I NEED IS A SUGGESTION
OF A TYPE OF FOOD FROM YOU,
THE AUDIENCE, OKAY?
- TROUT.
- SPAGHETTI!
- TWINKIES.
- I HEARD TROUT,
I HEARD TWINKIES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- SPAGHETTI!
- [laughs] SPAGHETTI!
THAT GUY SAID
THAT WORD FUNNY.
OOOH!
I EAT FOOD.
I EAT TROU AND MASHED POTATOES
AND SPAGHETTI
AND TWINKIES.
I LOVE FOOD.
FOOD IS SEXY TO ME.
BUT YOU DON'T CONTROL
MY BODY!
I'M GONNA HAVE
AN ABORTION.
BUT YOU TRY TO CHOP ME DOWN
AT MY KNEES.
YOU TRY TO TAKE
WHO I AM
AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN,
AND MY FEELINGS,
AND MY FEELMOTIONS,
AND MY EMOTINGS,
WHICH ARE THE FEELINGS
IN MY MOLARS.
CHOP CHOP
ON INSECURITY.
CHOP CHOP
ON CELERY,
WHICH HAS
NO CARBS.
WHAT I KNOW IS THA ONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN
IN AMERICA IS IN JAIL.
I KNOW THAT THREE
OUT OF EVERY FIVE ASIAN WOMEN
IS IN JAIL.
AND YET WE MOVE SLOWLY
LIKE SNAILS.
ESCARGOT GET YOURSELF
A CONSCIENCE.
AND WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU'RE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
TROUT.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
SPAGHETTI.
ALL I KNOW IS THA WHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN,
I'M FAMILY,
WHICH MEANS THAT I BORROWED
$10,000 FROM THE WAITER
AND NEVER PAID HIM BACK.
BUT ALL YOU DO
IS SMOKE YOUR DRUGS
AND YOUR TROUTS,
AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,
"WHAT DO I HAVE?
I HAVE DOUBTS.
WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME,
A CREAM FILLING?"
NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE,
IT'S NOT A CREAM FEELING.
IT'S A CREAM FILLING.
THAT'S ONE BIG TWINKIE.
THAT'S FROM THE MOVIE
GHOSTBUSTERS!
[cheers and applause]
WHEN WE SIT DOWN
FOR OUR LAST SUPPER,
AND WE SEE ALL THE PLATES
IN FRONT OF US,
MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TROUT,
MAYBE HAVE
SOME MASHED POTATOES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD
WITH BOTH OF THOSE?
FRIED CHICKEN.
YOU KNOW
WHO LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?
BLACK PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?
EVERYBODY.
THAT [bleep]
IS DELICIOUS FOOD.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU!
END OF MY POEM!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
- TONIGHT'S SHOW
IS NOT SPONSORED BY CATS!
HEY, CATS,
YOU'RE THE WORST!
GO [bleep] YOURSELVES.
NO CATS!
- AY YI YI YI YA!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO THE STAGE,
NICK KROLL!
[cheers and applause]
- I REALLY WANT TO
GET INTO IT TONIGHT, OKAY?
SO, CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?
all: DOGS!
- CATS?
ANYBODY SAY CATS?
- WHOO!
- CATS?
THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE
SHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?
WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
UH, YOU'RE WRONG.
CATS ARE
THE [bleep] WORST.
[cheers and applause]
I HATE CATS.
THEY'RE SO COLD
AND INDIFFERENT.
LIKE, A DOG
WILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER,
ACCORDING TO CARTOONS
THAT I WATCH.
CAT'LL BE LIKE,
"OH.
"OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.
OOPSIES."
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
A BLIND PERSON
WITH A CAT BEFORE.
SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGS
WITH THEM.
BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG,
LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."
DOG'S LIKE,
"YOU GOT IT!
"I DON'T CARE
THAT YOU'RE BLIND
"AND YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE LIBRARY?
LET'S DO THIS!"
IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU
KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"
"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."
CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED
TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO HANG OU UNDER THIS RADIATOR
FOR SIX HOURS."
I WILL GIVE IT TO CATS
THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY.
THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM
IN PRIVATE.
LIKE, I THINK
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
DOGS ARE JUST LIKE,
"OHHH!
WHY DO I GOTTA LOOK
YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"
"WHY IS THAT PART OF IT?"
"NOW I'M GONNA
ARCH MY BACK!
"SHAKE MY LEGS!
SQUEEZE OU THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"
IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TAKE
A CAT ANYWHERE.
YOU CAN TAKE
A DOG TO THE BEACH,
THROW A FRISBEE
AROUND WITH HIM.
TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH,
CAT'S LIKE,
"UM, PARDON MEOW."
"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO
INTO THE WATER,
"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,
"AND THE ONLY WAY
TO CLEAN ONESELF
"IS WITH ONE'S
WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,
"I WAS WONDERING,
IS THERE A BABY ABOUT,
BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCH
SOMETHING IN THE FACE."
AND THEN THEY WALK
AWAY LIKE THIS.
ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAIL
IN THE AIR.
LIKE THEY THINK
THEY'RE ALL SEXY,
LIKE, "OHH!
BET YOU WANT TO [bleep]
THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"
CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKE
PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.
HOW IS IT THAT A CA IS ONE-FOOT-TALL,
AND THEIR ASS
IS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?
"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF
AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,
"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY
SHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW
"WHO'S ALLERGIC
"AND I'M
NOT PERSONALLY HERE
TO MAKE THEM ITCHY
AS [bleep]."
THE TAIL HAS EVOLVED,
BY THE WAY, GUYS.
IT'S UP HERE NOW,
BUT IT USED TO BE
SORT OF DOWN HERE.
I DO SORT OF A...
LIKE THIS.
[groans]
NOW IT'S LIKE--
USED TO BE LIKE THIS,
AND I'D BE LIKE,
"THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE
A DUCKBILL PLATYPUS."
AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE,
"NO.
"THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE
YOU'RE, LIKE,
HALFHEARTEDLY THWARTING AWAY
A BUTT [bleep]."
"COME ON, MAN."
"QUIT IT.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH IDOL, MAN.
COME ON."
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME IS NICK KROLL.
YOU GUYS
ARE A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- YAY!
- THANK YOU.
VERY COOL.
THANK YOU.
OH, HELLO.
- WAH WAH WAH!
WHAT A SHOW.
IT'S NOW TIME
FOR CHUPACABRA TO SIGN OFF
AND SAY GOOD NIGHT.
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
- OH, MY GOD!
NICE TO MEET YOU!
YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
YOU'VE GROWN A BEARD
AND THEN SHAVED I TO CREATE THE
CONCEPT OF A CHIN.
YOU LOOK LIKE
A CUTE ROCKY.
THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING!
Captioning by CaptionMax
KOO KOO RIKOO!
- HA HA!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
- I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?
- HELLOOO.
- I REALLY AM SO EXCITED
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
- WE GOT TWO MINUTES
TILL SHOW, OKAY?
TWO MINUTES.
- HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?
- MINE. HE WAS LONELY,
SO I BROUGHT HIM.
- OKAY, WELL,
I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
- YOU'RE SUPER LOW
ON CRU D'ETE.
IS THERE SOMEONE
WE COULD TALK TO?
- I KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET THE SET READY FOR...
- I'M HUNGRY.
- OKAY, I'LL GET IT.
OH, I THINK THEY NEED
MORE CRU D'ETE
IN THE GREEN ROOM.
THANKS, MAN.
- CRU D'ETE?
EXCUSE ME!
I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?
LOOK AT WHA I HAVE CREATED.
WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESE
OUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?
THIS IS
FOR DECORATION PURPOSES!
NO! NO!
ABSOLUTELY NO!
HELLO, CREW? YES.
THERE HAS BEEN
A STRING CHEESE INCIDENT,
AND I IS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?
DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICES
TABLE, ALL RIGHT?
IT IS MY ART.
IT IS MY CANVAS.
WOULD YOU GO UP
TO A VAN GOGH PAINTING
AND SMEAR [bleep]
DIARRHEA ON IT?
NO, YOU WOULDN'T.
[walkie-talkie crackling]
SECURITY! HELLO?
- TSK.
OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB.
LIKE, I'M SECURITY.
[cash register rings]
IS IT ALL RIGH IF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?
- SURE, YEAH.
[wand beeping and whistling]
[rhythmic beeping]
- WE COULD MAKE
BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.
- I'M SORRY?
- OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARD
SOMETHING,
SO NOW I HAVE
TO SEARCH YOU
BECAUSE OF, LIKE,
THE WAR ON TERROR.
LIKE, REST IN PEACE!
- ALL RIGHT,
I THINK I'M ALL SAFE.
- OH, OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS
ABOUT YOU
IS THAT I COULD
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
- HEY, TAKE CARE.
- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.
OKAY, BABE. NEXT.
NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE.
- UGH. I HAVEN'T BEEN
ON A LINE THIS LONG
SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OU FREE DIAPHRAGMS
AT THAT HIGH SCHOOL.
[jazz riff]
- I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONE
OF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS.
- OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF.
- YEAH, SURE.
- WHOOP GOLDBERG.
- BILL CRYSTAL.
- YOU KNOW WHO
THE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC
ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?
- WHO'S THAT?
- PAUL REISER.
- OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU.
- HE'S FUNNY.
- HE IS.
- HE'S...
both: NATURALLY FUNNY.
- [Spanish accent]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT.
THE SHOW
WILL BEGIN SHORTLY.
KOO KOO RIKOO!
KOO KOO RIKOO!
AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAMAS AND CABALLEROS,
DIRECT ON THIS STAGE,
SECURITY GUARD
ROBERT BRUSCHA.
- NOT YET?
[cheers and applause]
AH HA HA HA HA HA.
HELLO.
MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA,
AKA BOBBY B,
AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, VERY COOL.
VERY COOL.
OKAY, I'M
THE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY,
AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOU
FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,
SAFETY FIRST.
BUT ALSO...
BE DANGEROUS.
[cheers and applause]
OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVER
SOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS,
AS FAR AS THE RULES
AND REGULATIONS GO
HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?
SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES,
UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTAN CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS.
LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE,
LIKE, JIMMY Z
OR DANNY DO,
'CAUSE, LIKE,
HE ALWAYS DOES.
NO DRINKING
TO "ASSESS," OKAY?
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?
LIKE, I WAS ONCE
AND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS,
I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUES AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFC
TAILGATING EVENTS,
AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS...
I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRL
TO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION.
BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY
AND MOMENTS BEFORE
EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSED
KOBE BEEF SLIDERS.
AT WHICH POINT, I FELL
INTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION,
BECAUSE TO DRINK WATER
IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS.
BUT I DIGEST.
A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT.
IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE,
PUT IT OUT.
ALSO, IF THERE'S,
LIKE, AN EARTHQUAKE,
JUST BE LIKE,
"NOT TODAY."
FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO DON'T KNOW,
AN EARTHQUAKE,
AS A SCIENTIST SPEAKING,
IS LIKE A PLATONIC SHIFT.
SO THAT'S LIKE WHEN
ONE PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,
"OH, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."
AND THE OTHER PAR OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,
"NO, I BOUGHT YOU DINNER.
LET'S DO THIS."
I WOULD SAY TO YOU ALSO,
LIKE, I'M
NOT ONLY A SECURITY GUARD,
BUT I DO A NUMBER
OF OTHER THINGS PROFESSIONALLY.
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE,
I AM THE AUTHOR OF A NUMBER
OF EARLY STAGE PYRAMID SCHEMES.
I'M ALSO
A RECORD PRODUCER.
SO, LIKE, HIT ME UP
ON MYSPACE OR WHATEVER.
YOU CAN FIND ME
UNDER MY DJ NAME,
WHICH IS
DJ ORIENTAL IMMIGRANT,
BECAUSE, LIKE, I LAY DOWN
CRAZY TRACKS.
AND, LIKE,
THAT'S NOT RACIST,
'CAUSE I JERK OFF
TO ASIAN GIRLS.
SO IN A SUMMARIZATION
FINALITY
OF WHAT I COULD BE
SAYING TO YOU,
AND I WILL SAY,
AND IT WILL BE ON MY TOMBSTONE.
IN CONCLUSION,
REMEMBER,
VODKA,
JESUS,
REVENGE.
[cheers and applause]
- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED
BY WEBSITES.
DO YOU LOVE THE INTERNET,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO GO ON IT?
TRY WEBSITES!
[cheers and applause]
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME TO THE STAGE
NICK KROLL!
[cheers and applause]
- ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR.
I AM SO EXCITED
TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
UH, I FEEL HONESTLY
LIKE THIS IS LIKE
MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH.
AND I'M HOPING
THAT THIS ENDS
WITH A HAND JOB
FROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL.
UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYS
ENOUGH FOR COMING OUT,
AND I KNOW YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR SOME COMEDY,
AND THERE WILL BE SOME,
BUT--BUT I...
I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY,
AND THERE'S, LIKE,
EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV.
LIKE,
IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE
YOU'VE WALKED
INTO THE STAR WARS BAR.
THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDS
ON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND.
SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE,
FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS
AT THE SAME TIME.
YANEK YAK YAK
YANEK YAK YOW
MY FAVORITE PERSON
I SAW THERE
WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN,
WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAG
OF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON.
MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT THE DMV
IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELY
COMFORTABLE FARTING THERE.
NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE
WOULD I TREA WITH SUCH DISDAIN.
I WAS STANDING ON LINE,
AND I JUST CROP-DUSTED
THE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME.
LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE,
I HAD EATEN, LIKE,
A TUNA OREO PARMESAN.
AND THEN I HAD, LIKE,
A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA.
I CAME HOME
AND WAS LIKE,
"WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?
BRISKET AND YOGURT."
AND I WAKE UP
LATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK,
GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFUL
OF ALMONDS,
LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"
AND THEN, NUT FARTS
ALL DAY LONG.
AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE,
AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM.
LIKE,
A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL
COULD HAVE RUN OU ON FIRE.
LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHER
HAD BEEN THERE,
HE WOULD HAVE WON
A PULITZER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND SO THE WOMAN
BEHIND ME WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I NEVER."
AND I WAS LIKE, "PAY
YOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?
THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELL
MY NUT FARTS!"
OKAY.
I LOVE HIP-HOP.
I LOVE, LIKE,
MID-'90s HIP-HOP,
LIKE TUPAC AND BIGGIE,
RIGHT?
- WHOO!
- WHOO! GIVE IT UP
FOR WHITE PEOPLE!
DRIVES ME CRAZY
THAT THOSE DUDES GOT KILLED,
AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.
NOT FUNNY...
YET.
JUST GIVE IT,
LIKE, 30 SECONDS.
IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT TUPAC
AND BIGGIE GOT KILLED,
AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.
AND I'M LIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE'VE BEEN GOING AT I THE WRONG WAY.
LIKE, WHO STOOD TO PROFI THE MOST FROM THEIR DEATHS?
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE
THAT IT WAS THE AIRBRUSH
PORTRAIT ARTISTS.
AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED
IF THE HUGE
DENIM JACKET INDUSTRY
HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH IT AS WELL.
- CLEAR A PATH!
YOU OKAY?
- CAN I JUST HAVE
A GLASS OF WHITE WINE?
- ACTUALLY, UH,
ONCE THE SHOW STARTS,
WE DON'T SERVE
ANYMORE ALCOHOL.
- OH, CRAP.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE
TWO EMPTY MARTINI GLASSES?
OR IS THAT ALSO ILLEGAL,
DICK CHENEY?
- TOPICAL.
- AND NOW A, UH,
BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE.
- THIS IS A TV TAPING,
SO THERE ARE RULES
ABOUT ALCOHOL.
- ARE YOU JOKING ME?
WE GOT WASTED
AT THAT WEBSTER TV TAPING
WE WENT TO.
- FROM WHAT I REMEMBER,
WEBSTER WAS A SHOW
ABOUT A SMALL BLACK MAN
WHO'S OWNED BY
TWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE.
- HE WASN'T OWNED,
YOU WEIRD LIBERAL RACIST.
- WHOA!
- 'SCUSE ME.
- WE ARE NOT RACISTS.
TELL HIM, GIL.
- I STALKED PHYLICIA RASHAD
FOR THREE MONTHS.
- A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED.
- SO...
- LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRY
FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M GOING
THROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL.
- YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU NEED TO GET INTO
SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK.
YOU KNOW--
SHAKER, PLEASE.
- OR YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY,
"OOH, TOUCH
MY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER
"TILL IT GETS CHUBBY
AND CRIES YOGURT."
- YEAH.
- GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAY
IN THE BEDROOM?
- NO ONE TALKS
DURING THE ACT.
ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.
NOW, IF YOU COULD
JUST GET ME
A COUPLE OF CANS
OF TUNA FISH.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?
- I AM CARRYING.
- WE'RE MAKING
TUNA-TINI, BABY.
- SOME PEOPLE KNOW I AS A MARTUNA.
- THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY
KNOWS IT AS
THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.
- THERE'S A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT THIS DRINK.
I WAS HAVING LUNCH
WITH DICK VAN PATTEN,
AND I TURNED TO DICK
AT ONE POINT,
AND I SAID, "DICK,
THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA
"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,
BUT MY MARTUNA
NEEDS MORE TUNA,"
AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT.
- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THA TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"
IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE.
- AND THEY CANCELLED
OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.
- SO...
- SO...
LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA
TO THIS.
- TO THE NICK KROLL
COMEDY SPECIAL...
NOT.
- [laughs]
LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.
- MMM.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
both: YOU CAN REALLY
TASTE THE TUNA.
- THANK YOU
FOR THE HOSPITALITY.
- UH, BEFORE YOU GO,
CAN I HAVE MY SHAKER BACK?
- WHAT'S THAT?
- SOMEBODY TOOK MY SHAKER.
- WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?
- LET'S SEE YOUR BAGS.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUC FOR HEALTH.
- UH, THIS IS
THE HOT NEW THING,
WHICH IS "WARKMAN."
- OH, YEAH,
THIS IS DOG GIAMATTI.
IT'S A DOG NAMED
AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI,
'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.
THIS GUY CALLED ME UP
ONE NIGHT,
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS
A HEAVY BREATHER,
SO I J'D,
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
I SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUG,"
AND IT WAS.
- YOU HAVE MY SHAKER!
- WHAT THE...
- OH, IT FELL IN THERE
BY ACCIDENT.
- OH, THIS WAS THIS.
- OH, AND I'VE GO A LITTLE, UH,
STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY.
WHERE COULD TWO GUYS GO
AND DO A LITTLE COCAINE?
- UH, OUTSIDE?
- OKAY, SO THE BATHROOM?
- WE WILL SEE YOU
AROUND, JACK.
- UH, I PREFER NOT TO.
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI.
WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A BIT, BUDDY.
- WHOOPI?
- YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE
KIDS ONE DAY.
AND BESIDES THE FAC THAT HAVING A CHILD
MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,
WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME
IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO
EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,
LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUS HAPPENED,
OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS,
OR WHO EXACTLY
MICHAEL JACKSON WAS.
AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES
ALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT,
LET'S JUST REMEMBER
THAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED,
ALL WE DID WAS
MAKE FUN OF HIM.
AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD
DOES NOT MEAN
HE WASN'T HILARIOUS.
SO CAN WE ALL GET ONBOARD
WITH THIS?
WONDERFUL.
[cheers and applause]
SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID,
AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE,
"DADDY,
WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"
BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS
THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN
AND DANCER AND SINGER."
"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"
"UH..."
"WELL, WHEN HE WAS
A LITTLE BOY,
"HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOME
LITTLE BLACK KID
WITH VERY KIND EYES
AND A VERY SWEET SMILE."
"WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"
"IN HIS TWENTIES,
MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKE
THE JAZZY LIZARD KING."
"WHAT ABOU WHEN HE WAS OLDER?
YOU CAN GIVE ME
VARIOUS EXAMPLES."
"THAT'S [bleep] COOL OF YOU.
IS IT WEIRD
THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"
"I ONLY SEE YOU,
LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."
"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S
A BITCH."
"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"
"ALL RIGHT, UM...
"HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A...
LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON
WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."
"DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"
"YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS
WITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."
"THAT SEEMS
LIKE A RED FLAG."
"I KNOW,
WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
"I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL YOU.
"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
"HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS
WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.
HE PUT HIM
IN A MUSIC VIDEO."
"WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"
"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."
"WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"
"UH...
"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,
"BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAIL
OF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM,
"HE LIVED
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,
AND, EVENTUALLY,
HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."
"DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"
"YEP. YES, HE DID.
"UH, HE HAD
A BUNCH OF BROTHERS,
AND THEY ALL LOOKED
LIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."
"WHAT DID HIS DADDY
LOOK LIKE?"
"HIS DAD...
"WHO I LEARNED MOS OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,
"LOOKED KIND OF LIKE
IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN
[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."
- OH, HELLO.
DO YOU DIG ME?
- OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH
IN THE CORRECT PLACE.
THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM.
I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM
ATTENDANT.
MY NAME IS
BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.
- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD
FROM THE STAGE.
- I'M LIKE
A JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH.
I DO, LIKE,
BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.
- OKAY, WELL, UM,
I HAVE A HEADACHE,
AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS
HAD SOME ASPIRIN.
- OH, OKAY. I CAN GET RID
OF YOUR HEADACHE.
- I REALLY JUST NEED
AN ASPIRIN.
- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,
I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.
- NO, THAT IS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS.
- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.
COLOGNE?
- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA
HELP ME WITH MY HEADACHE.
- OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDS
FOR YOUR HEADACHE?
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT?
- NO.
NO! PUT THAT--
I AM NOT.
NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.
- OH, OKAY.
THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATH
FOR KISSES.
- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--
OKAY, NO, NO, NO.
I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE
I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,
SO I HAVE TO INTERAC WITH YOU.
I FIND YOU REPULSIVE.
- THANK YOU.
I LOVE YOU. HA HA.
[loud sniffing]
- OH, MY GOD.
both: OHH!
HELLOOO.
- WE'RE JUST DOING
A LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.
- SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?
- HEY, LET ME ASK YOU
ANOTHER QUESTION.
ARE YOU
ONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES
WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?
- A WHAT?
- AND "B," IF SO,
DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?
- AND "C," DO YOU ACCEP EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?
- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.
THIS IS
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED
THE MEN'S TOILE WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S.
- IT LOOKS
LIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE.
- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.
WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETS
WITH OUR GENITALIA.
- MINE LOOKS LIKE
A BUNCH OF GRAY FLAPS.
[toilet flushes]
- I LOVE COMEDY
MORE THAN ANYTHING,
AND I'M LUCKY
THAT I GET TO DO IT,
BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE
OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.
LIKE, I--I REMEMBER
I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,
AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY,
AND THEY'D THROW
SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.
LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONE
INTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"SO, NICK, WHAT'S
YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"
AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED
BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.
I JUST PANICKED.
I WAS JUST LIKE,
"UMMM!
I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS
IS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."
[panting, sighs]
BUT I DO BELIEVE
YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,
AND, UH, THAT'S WHY
I ACTUALLY KEEP
A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.
BUT THEN, LIKE,
JUST TO BE FAIR,
I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DAD
NEXT TO IT,
SO THAT I CAN HAVE
A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.
DOING COMEDY, I, UH...
I TRAVEL A LOT.
I'M IN AIRPORTS
CONSTANTLY.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
GOING TO THE AIRPOR IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,
A CRAZY GROWTH
IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING
THAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS,
OR THE AMOUNT OF STORES
THAT ARE IN AIRPORTS.
LIKE, WHO'S MAKING
BIG-TICKET PURCHASES
AT THE AIRPORTS?
LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY
IS BUYING A SUITCASE
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING
A CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE.
LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP
TO THE AIRPORT LIKE,
"WHAT DID I FORGET?
"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
"GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.
"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED
THAT SAME SOCK AGAIN.
"ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
A SUITCASE!"
[panting]
BUT ALL OF THA I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP
AT THE AIRPORT,
YOUR HUDSON NEWS,
WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINES
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE
SELLING THEM THERE
IN A SECTION CALLED
"MEN'S INTERESTS."
WHO'S ROLLING UP
AND IT'S LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT,
LET'S SEE, UM..."
[pops lips]
"LET ME GE A BAG OF TRAIL MIX
"THAT I'LL EA ONE HANDFUL OF
"AND THEN KEEP IN MY BACKPACK
FOR SIX WEEKS.
"HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES
LOOKS LIKE A GOOD MAGAZINE.
"AND A $23 BOTTLE
OF DASANI WATER,
AND I'M READY TO GO."
IF YOU'RE STILL USING
PORNO MAGAZINES,
YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLING
EVERYONE
THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE INTERNET IS.
USING A PORNO MAGAZINE
IS BEING LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICAN WHEN I HAVE SEX.
I JUST USE
THIS CUP OF SAND."
AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE
WITH YOUR PORNO MAGAZINE?
WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE--
IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,
STEWARDESS?
I'M GONNA NEED
A BLANKET, PLEASE."
TRAVELING A LOT,
I, UH...I DRUNK PACK.
DO WE ALL KNOW
WHAT DRUNK PACKING IS?
[cheers and applause]
RIGHT? JUST LIKE
YOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE...
"GONNA WATCH THIS EXTENZE
INFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"
"POUR MYSELF A CUP OF WATER,
AND THEN FORGET ABOUT I ON THIS TABLE."
"AND NOW IT IS TIME
TO PACK
FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIP
TO JAMAICA."
"WHAT DO I NEED FOR FIVE DAYS
IN JAMAICA?
ONE UNDERWEARS."
"SIX BOW TIES."
[laughing]
[long squealing laugh]
"I'M GONNA BRING
THIS BULKY SANTA SUI WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"
"IT'S GONNA BE
SO HOT IN JAMAICA.
"BIRCHMAN'S GONNA BE LIKE,
"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU
BRING A SANTA SUIT?'
"AND THEM I'M GONNA BE LIKE,
"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU
TOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK
WHEN WE WERE KIDS?'"
"I'M GONNA BRING
SOME WEED,
"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
IF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE
ANY WEED IN JAMAICA."
"WHAT'S THIS?
"PICTURES
FROM SEVENTH GRADE?"
"I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESE
FOR 45 MINUTES."
"WHAT HAPPENED
TO JEN RIESER?
" DUH DUH DUH!
FACEBOOK DETECTIVE."
"WHOA...
"PSSH! WHAT'S UP, JEN?
"I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.
"DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
"ANYWAY, I SEE YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
"THINGS ARE GOOD FOR ME.
"I'M SO SORRY I SAID
"THAT YOU PUT TAMPONS
IN YOUR BUTT.
"AWW, I NEVER FORGOT YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
"I KILLED MY LITTLE BROTHER.
SEND."
"NOW I'M GETTING SLEEPY."
"GONNA TURN MY CELL PHONE
ALARM CLOCK ON 'SILENT.'"
"OH, I GOTTA FIGURE OU WHAT I'M GONNA PACK IN.
AH, I'LL JUST GE A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT."
[cheers and applause]
- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED
BY THE SHOILET.
THAT'S A SHOWER
AND TOILET IN ONE.
DO YOU WANT TO USE
THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING,
BUT YOU ALSO NEED
TO USE THE TOILET?
LET'S DO IT IN ONE.
OKAY!
IT'S GRINGO TECHNOLOGY.
ECO-CONSCIOUS.
USE A SHOILET!
TAKE A [bleep]
IN THE SHOWER!
- AND WE'RE BACK
FROM COMMERCIAL.
YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
AND I AM SIMULCASTING
NICK KROLL'S
THANK YOU VERY COOL
AQUI EN
[echoing]
NUEVE UNO UNO PUNTO NUEVE
DOT COM!
AND I'M HERE WITH A BABY!
QUE PASA, BABY?
QUE PASA, BABY?
"SOY UN BEBE!"
THAT'S WHAT I SAID,
YOU'RE A BABY!
AND I'M HERE
WITH AN OLD MAN.
QUE PASA, OLD MAN?
"HEY THERE.
YO SOY MUY VIEJO."
YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD,
YOU OLD MAN.
AND WHAT IS
MY THIRD GUEST?
"YO SOY UN GOAT."
OH! HELLO, GOAT!
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
HOW ARE YOU
FEELING TODAY?
"I'M VERY HUNGRY.
TENGO HAMBRE."
OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?
WHAT WOULD YOU EA IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?
"GARBAGE."
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU STUPID GOAT.
I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
"NO! DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!"
[imitating baby crying]
"GOO GOO GWAH."
"HE DON'T LIKE I WHEN YOU ARGUE."
OH, YOU'RE TALKING
TO ME, OLD MAN?
I FIGHT YOU
WITH MY FISTS!
"NO, DON'T FIGH WITH THE FISTS."
"GOO GOO GWAH!"
EVERYBODY BE QUIET!
WE HAVE TO GET BACK
TO THE SHOW.
"WHAT'S THE SHOW?"
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S SOME GRINGO
NAMED NICK KROLL.
"WHO IS HE?"
[mutters]
"HE DOES
LOTS OF CHARACTERS."
OH, SO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY,
OLD MAN?
"SI.
I VISIT WEBSITES."
HEY, GOAT,
YOU STUPID GOAT,
IT'S TIME TO DO
THE TRAFFIC REPORT.
[bleats]
"AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."
OKAY, THANK YOU
FOR THE TRAFFIC REPORT.
[maracas shaking,
horns beep]
IT'S NOW TIME
FOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY,
THE JOKE OF THE DAY!
THE JOKE OF THE DAY!
WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDING
A WORM IN YOUR APPLE?
AIDS.
AIDS IS WORSE.
IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!
[canned laughter
and applause]
I DO FIND DATING
SO DIFFICULT TO DO WELL,
AND, LIKE...
MY FRIEND ONE TIME WAS LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD, LIKE,
BE CASUAL.
JUST, LIKE,
GO ON A COFFEE DATE."
I'M LIKE,
WHO GOES ON COFFEE DATES?
HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEEN
ON A COFFEE DATE BEFORE?
IT SEEMS
LIKE THE WORST IDEA.
IT'S LIKE,
"GO ON A COFFEE DATE."
OH, YEAH,
'CAUSE MY BEST FOOT FORWARD
IS JITTERY WITH DIARRHEA
AND COFFEE BREATH.
FOR THE SAKE
OF THIS NEXT JOKE,
LIKE, I'M NOT GREA AT SEX, AND...
LIKE, ON A SCALE
OF ONE TO PRINCE,
ONE BEING THE WORS AND FOR SOME REASON
IN MY MIND,
PRINCE IS THE BEST PERSON
IN THE WORLD AT SEX.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE,
THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW,
OR, LIKE,
THE VELOUR ONESIES.
BUT I PICTURE PRINCE
LIKE THIS TINY HUMMINGBIRD
WHO JUST COMES UP
AND JUST SORT OF LIKE
[bleep] YOU
FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS,
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
[crying]
"THANK YOU, PRINCE!
THANK YOU!"
AND HE'S JUST LIKE...
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
SO ON THAT SCALE
OF ONE TO PRINCE,
I WOULD SAY
I'M LIKE JIM BELUSHI.
BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,
WHO HERE THINKS
THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME
OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY
TO THE DIARRHEA REFINERY?
[applause]
GOOD ENOUGH.
I DRIVE BY THAT PLACE,
AND I'M LIKE, "OOF.
"OOF MAGOOF.
SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOU THE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."
AND I JUST WANT TO ADDRESS
THAT I KNOW
THAT I TALK ABOUT FARTING
AND POOPING
AND DIARRHEA A LOT.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I DO I 'CAUSE I THINK
IT'S SO FUNNY.
EVEN MORE THAN TALKING
ABOUT DIARRHEA,
I LIKE TO GOOGLE
THE WORD DIARRHEA,
BUT THEN SPELL IT WRONG,
'CAUSE THEN GOOGLE HAS TO BE
LIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"
AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,
"GOOGLE, GROW UP!"
- WHY DOES HE HAVE A SPECIAL?
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL
ABOUT HIM!
I'M THE ARTIST!
YOU KNOW WHA THIS AUDIENCE NEEDS
IS A LITTLE FABRICE FABRICE.
[feedback whistles]
- YO, GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE.
I'M TAKING THE STAGE.
AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
FABRICE FABRICE.
[upbeat electronic music]
- THIS IS EATING TIME
OUT OF MY SPECIAL.
- OH, HELLO,
YOU [bleep] ASS BITCHES!
MY NAME IS
FABRICE FABRICE,
THE BEAST FROM THE EAST.
THE NAME SO NICE,
YOU HAVE TO SAY I AGAIN.
AND I'M THE CATERER HERE
AT THE NICK KROLL
THANK YOU VERY COOL SPECIAL.
YEAH, IT'S FUN.
NICK SAID, "OH, IF YOU
WANT TO GO ON STAGE,
YOU CAN GO UP THERE."
I SAID, "I'M NO GONNA AX YOU TO GO ON STAGE!
I'M GON' TAKE THE STAGE."
AND HE SAID, "OKAY."
I SAID, "ALL RIGHT!"
HE SAID, "FAIR ENOUGH."
I SAID, "VERY GOOD."
HE SAID, "COOL."
AND I SAID, "YOU'RE JEWISH."
AND HE SAID,
"THAT'S TRUE,"
SO THAT WAS THAT SCENARIO.
I HAVE ALSO WORKED A A NUMBER OF AWARDS CEREMONIES.
BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
EVERY YEAR,
THERE'S SOME ACTOR
WHO GETS NOMINATED
FOR PLAYING A RETARDED PERSON.
NOW, I AM NOT ALLOWED
TO SAY "RETARDED" ON TV,
SO WHAT I'M GONNA SAY
IS A FRITTATA PERSON.
THERE'S NOT A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN CELEBRITIES
AND FRITTATAS.
THEY BOTH
GET DRIVEN EVERYWHERE,
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS AXING
WHO DRESSED THEM,
AND IF YOU MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH THEM,
THEY [bleep]
FLIP OUT AT YOU.
NOW, MY ONE TRUE PASSION
IN LIFE,
THE ONE THING THAT I LOVE,
THE ONE THING
THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY,
THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS
ME HOPE AND JOY
IS SPOKEN-WORD POETRY.
SLAM POETRY--
THAT IS GOOD STUFF.
IT IS HARD TO DO.
IT'S LIKE RAPPING,
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RHYME.
SO I'M GONNA DO
A SPOKEN-WORD POEM FOR YOU
RIGHT ON THE SPOT.
ALL I NEED IS A SUGGESTION
OF A TYPE OF FOOD FROM YOU,
THE AUDIENCE, OKAY?
- TROUT.
- SPAGHETTI!
- TWINKIES.
- I HEARD TROUT,
I HEARD TWINKIES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- SPAGHETTI!
- [laughs] SPAGHETTI!
THAT GUY SAID
THAT WORD FUNNY.
OOOH!
I EAT FOOD.
I EAT TROU AND MASHED POTATOES
AND SPAGHETTI
AND TWINKIES.
I LOVE FOOD.
FOOD IS SEXY TO ME.
BUT YOU DON'T CONTROL
MY BODY!
I'M GONNA HAVE
AN ABORTION.
BUT YOU TRY TO CHOP ME DOWN
AT MY KNEES.
YOU TRY TO TAKE
WHO I AM
AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN,
AND MY FEELINGS,
AND MY FEELMOTIONS,
AND MY EMOTINGS,
WHICH ARE THE FEELINGS
IN MY MOLARS.
CHOP CHOP
ON INSECURITY.
CHOP CHOP
ON CELERY,
WHICH HAS
NO CARBS.
WHAT I KNOW IS THA ONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN
IN AMERICA IS IN JAIL.
I KNOW THAT THREE
OUT OF EVERY FIVE ASIAN WOMEN
IS IN JAIL.
AND YET WE MOVE SLOWLY
LIKE SNAILS.
ESCARGOT GET YOURSELF
A CONSCIENCE.
AND WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU'RE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
TROUT.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
SPAGHETTI.
ALL I KNOW IS THA WHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN,
I'M FAMILY,
WHICH MEANS THAT I BORROWED
$10,000 FROM THE WAITER
AND NEVER PAID HIM BACK.
BUT ALL YOU DO
IS SMOKE YOUR DRUGS
AND YOUR TROUTS,
AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,
"WHAT DO I HAVE?
I HAVE DOUBTS.
WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME,
A CREAM FILLING?"
NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE,
IT'S NOT A CREAM FEELING.
IT'S A CREAM FILLING.
THAT'S ONE BIG TWINKIE.
THAT'S FROM THE MOVIE
GHOSTBUSTERS!
[cheers and applause]
WHEN WE SIT DOWN
FOR OUR LAST SUPPER,
AND WE SEE ALL THE PLATES
IN FRONT OF US,
MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TROUT,
MAYBE HAVE
SOME MASHED POTATOES.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD
WITH BOTH OF THOSE?
FRIED CHICKEN.
YOU KNOW
WHO LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?
BLACK PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?
EVERYBODY.
THAT [bleep]
IS DELICIOUS FOOD.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU!
END OF MY POEM!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
- TONIGHT'S SHOW
IS NOT SPONSORED BY CATS!
HEY, CATS,
YOU'RE THE WORST!
GO [bleep] YOURSELVES.
NO CATS!
- AY YI YI YI YA!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO THE STAGE,
NICK KROLL!
[cheers and applause]
- I REALLY WANT TO
GET INTO IT TONIGHT, OKAY?
SO, CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?
all: DOGS!
- CATS?
ANYBODY SAY CATS?
- WHOO!
- CATS?
THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE
SHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?
WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
UH, YOU'RE WRONG.
CATS ARE
THE [bleep] WORST.
[cheers and applause]
I HATE CATS.
THEY'RE SO COLD
AND INDIFFERENT.
LIKE, A DOG
WILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER,
ACCORDING TO CARTOONS
THAT I WATCH.
CAT'LL BE LIKE,
"OH.
"OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.
OOPSIES."
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
A BLIND PERSON
WITH A CAT BEFORE.
SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGS
WITH THEM.
BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG,
LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."
DOG'S LIKE,
"YOU GOT IT!
"I DON'T CARE
THAT YOU'RE BLIND
"AND YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE LIBRARY?
LET'S DO THIS!"
IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU
KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"
"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."
CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED
TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO HANG OU UNDER THIS RADIATOR
FOR SIX HOURS."
I WILL GIVE IT TO CATS
THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY.
THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM
IN PRIVATE.
LIKE, I THINK
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
DOGS ARE JUST LIKE,
"OHHH!
WHY DO I GOTTA LOOK
YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"
"WHY IS THAT PART OF IT?"
"NOW I'M GONNA
ARCH MY BACK!
"SHAKE MY LEGS!
SQUEEZE OU THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"
IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TAKE
A CAT ANYWHERE.
YOU CAN TAKE
A DOG TO THE BEACH,
THROW A FRISBEE
AROUND WITH HIM.
TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH,
CAT'S LIKE,
"UM, PARDON MEOW."
"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO
INTO THE WATER,
"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,
"AND THE ONLY WAY
TO CLEAN ONESELF
"IS WITH ONE'S
WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,
"I WAS WONDERING,
IS THERE A BABY ABOUT,
BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCH
SOMETHING IN THE FACE."
AND THEN THEY WALK
AWAY LIKE THIS.
ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAIL
IN THE AIR.
LIKE THEY THINK
THEY'RE ALL SEXY,
LIKE, "OHH!
BET YOU WANT TO [bleep]
THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"
CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKE
PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.
HOW IS IT THAT A CA IS ONE-FOOT-TALL,
AND THEIR ASS
IS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?
"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF
AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,
"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY
SHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW
"WHO'S ALLERGIC
"AND I'M
NOT PERSONALLY HERE
TO MAKE THEM ITCHY
AS [bleep]."
THE TAIL HAS EVOLVED,
BY THE WAY, GUYS.
IT'S UP HERE NOW,
BUT IT USED TO BE
SORT OF DOWN HERE.
I DO SORT OF A...
LIKE THIS.
[groans]
NOW IT'S LIKE--
USED TO BE LIKE THIS,
AND I'D BE LIKE,
"THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE
A DUCKBILL PLATYPUS."
AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE,
"NO.
"THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE
YOU'RE, LIKE,
HALFHEARTEDLY THWARTING AWAY
A BUTT [bleep]."
"COME ON, MAN."
"QUIT IT.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH IDOL, MAN.
COME ON."
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME IS NICK KROLL.
YOU GUYS
ARE A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- YAY!
- THANK YOU.
VERY COOL.
THANK YOU.
OH, HELLO.
- WAH WAH WAH!
WHAT A SHOW.
IT'S NOW TIME
FOR CHUPACABRA TO SIGN OFF
AND SAY GOOD NIGHT.
KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!
- OH, MY GOD!
NICE TO MEET YOU!
YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
YOU'VE GROWN A BEARD
AND THEN SHAVED I TO CREATE THE
CONCEPT OF A CHIN.
YOU LOOK LIKE
A CUTE ROCKY.
THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING!
Captioning by CaptionMax
KOO KOO RIKOO!