No Deposit, No Return (1976) Movie Script
- Bye, Tracy! Have fun!
- You too. Where you going?
Washington, D.C.
How about you?
Don't know. Someplace.
- Mom hasn't told us yet.
- I'll send you a card!
Bye.
No sign of mother yet, Tracy?
She'll be here, go
Hadley. -Good. Good.
I wouldn't want Easter to be as
disappointing for you as Christmas.
That wasn't mother's
fault, go Hadley.
She was working in Paris, and
they ran into complications.
So I remember.
When a person's a complete
head of a magazine,
A person just can't
ignore complications.
Of course.
Speaking of complications,
where's your brother?
He's at
half-mast. -I see.
He's where? -There.
Jay...
What are you doing up there?
I'm looking for something.
Jay Osborne, come
down here this instant.
I can't. I lost Duster.
Never mind. I found him.
My petunias! Oh!
Jay, it's mother!
Mom.
Miss Murdoch.
Tracy. -Where's mom?
There's been a slight change
of plans. In you go, children.
Without that.
Oh, he's my friend.
I never go anywhere
without Duster.
All right, put him in
the basket and get in.
And roll down all the windows.
Oh, go Hadley. -Good-bye,
Tracy. Have a happy Easter.
You, too, go Hadley, and I
have an Easter present for you.
- It's a handkerchief.
- Well, thank you, Tracy.
- And I got a present too.
- Oh, and thank you, Jay.
Aren't you dears?
Bye. -Bye.
You didn't give
anything dumb, I hope.
Heck, no. It's one of my
most valuable possessions.
But what happened to mother? I thought
she was supposed to get in last night.
I'm afraid your mother's been detained
in Hong Kong for another two weeks.
Hong Kong?
Two weeks? That's
our whole vacation.
Well, naturally, your mother
was terribly disappointed.
This is the third
vacation in a row.
Jay, mom can't help
it. Work is work.
So we spend Easter vacation
at home. That's not so bad.
Not at home, dear. There
won't be anyone there.
You see, it's my vacation,
too, and I'm off to Bermuda.
Bermuda? You're
taking us to Bermuda?
Oh, boy!
TWA flight 802 now
boarding at gate three
For Chicago and Los Angeles.
I don't understand,
miss Murdoch.
What are we doing
here? Seeing you off?
No, I'm seeing you off.
Flight 801 to Los Angeles.
Los Angeles?
We're being shipped to
grandfather Osbornes again!
Grandfather Osbornes. I'd
rather go to jail first.
It's only for Easter
vacation. -Some vacation. Yuck.
Thank you. Off you go now.
I'll send you a nice
postcard from Bermuda.
Bermuda?
You wouldn't like to
exchange tickets, would you?
Nonsense. I'll bet by the
time you get to Los Angeles...
You'll be as glad to see your
grandfather as he is to see you.
Trapped, Jameson,
like a rat in a cage.
Well, it's only for Easter
vacation, Mr. Osborne.
- And it is an emergency.
- An emergency!
An emergency is an
earthquake or a tornado.
My daughter-in-law's children
are a science fiction nightmare.
Oh, please, please.
Be very, very careful with
that. It's worth a fortune.
Perhaps they've matured a bit
since their last visit, sir.
Jameson, when it comes
to Tracy and Jay...
There, there, sir
Winston. There, there.
I intend to leave no
piece of crystal in sight.
No Dresden china
unprotected. Up you go.
But the chandelier.
If I may, sir...
How could the little fellow
possibly reach the chandelier?
The same way he reached it last
year: With a rocket ship. Up.
The launch was perfect, till
that chandelier got in the way.
And grandfather didn't have to step
on my rocket ship and crunch it.
He just doesn't
understand kids, Jay.
I mean, it's been so
long since he's had any.
He had us last Summer.
I tried, Tracy. I really did.
I even hid my
skateboard in the closet,
So he wouldn't hurt himself.
How did I know it was the
stairway to the wine cellar?
Airborne, Jameson. That
skateboard was like a b-29.
Straight down the stairs. Decimated
a whole case of muto rostio, 1908.
Yes, a lovely year,
1908. Let me see, sir.
Was that before or after the
errant billiard ball episode?
After, but before the bow and
arrow incident. -Oh, yes, yes.
I believe we still have that large
foam rubber cushion, if needed.
Good. And let's make sure
Dr. Butterworth's number
is handy at all times.
Excuse me, Mr. Osborne. Any
place special for the golf clubs?
Oh, yes. Hide
'em in the attic.
Oh, good heavens. Only three
more hours to countdown.
Three hours till doomsday.
Do you think
she's really upset?
Do I think who's really upset?
Well, mother, about not
spending Easter with us.
Of course. She
just can't pick up
In the middle of
her work and leave.
I'll bet she
wants to be with us
Just as much as we
wanna be with her.
Do you think so?
Sure. I'll bet
you mom wants to...
Jay, suppose we didn't
go to grandfather's.
Huh?
Look out!
Sorry, sir. A near miss.
Bert, Bert, will you
please be careful.
All we need is an accident here,
and we're gonna blow the whole caper.
I missed him, Duke. Ain't that
the main thing, missing him?
Yeah, that's the main
thing, all right, Bert. Yeah.
No harm, no foul! It's
okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Better he tests them anyway.
Bert, how long are we gonna
follow that truck so closely?
Uh, just while our
bumpers are stuck together.
I'll handle it.
- I'm sorry, Duke.
- It's all right.
I guess I'm a little
nervous. Would you believe it?
I got the whole thing: Sweaty
palms, butterflies in the stomach.
Maybe it's the airport.
You know me and flying.
Bert, w-w-will
you just relax.
Yeah, right.
After all, we're not
goin' up in any airplane.
We're just knockin'
over a safe.
You just worry about the safe
and leave everything else to me.
Everything's gonna
go just great. -Yeah.
The white zone is for
immediate loading and unloading
Of passengers
only. No parking.
Okay. If we go
direct to Honolulu...
And then to Guam,
In 14 hours, we
can be in Hong Kong.
With mother! -Right.
If she can't bring her vacation
to us, we'll bring ours to her.
Boy, you got it
all figured out.
Except for one
small thing. -What?
Where do we get the $1,200 to
pay for the two plane tickets?
How about credit cards?
Everybody uses credit cards.
Jay, we don't have
any credit cards.
Okay. Well, then, let's just
write a check at the bank.
Like mother always does.
Jay, you have to have money
in the bank to begin with.
Well, if you don't
take any of my
suggestions, we'll
never get to Hong Kong.
Two pieces, eight
inches long. -Okay.
Last time out, you cracked one of
these in less than seven minutes.
Remember, Duke?
Guy gets a little
Rusty after five years.
Oh, no. Not you, Duke.
You were the best.
Also the unluckiest.
One thing though:
We never got caught.
We also never got anything.
Every safe we opened up either
contained nonnegotiable bonds,
Last year's lottery
tickets or the mouse trap.
Remember the mouse trap?
It was either a case of
going straight or going broke.
Don't think about it now, Duke.
Just concentrate on why
we're going crooked again.
The time has come, Jameson.
Go in. Pick up the children.
Me, sir?
Of course. -Unarmed?
Armed with the knowledge that the
raise I have been promising you...
Will be forthcoming
in your next paycheck.
Oh, that isn't necessary, sir.
Though it does make
the task a bit easier.
Be sure to check for valuables
before leaving the plane.
Duster. Duster.
Duster.
- What's the matter?
- Duster's gone.
Duster.
Has anybody seen a skunk?
Excuse me? Which gate
will flight 801 arrive at?
801? That prob...
get him away from me!
Security!
Run! Skunk! Skunk!
Come on. Let's
get out of here.
What happened? -There were
two of 'em and a skunk.
- Two of what and a skunk?
- Which way did they go?
We hit it. We hit it, Duke.
It's the garage free and clear.
What's that mean?
It means we just
went straight again.
Fill that bucket up
with everything you can.
I locked it.
You locked it.
Let's get out of
here. Leave it.
Okay, nice and easy,
like we're tourists.
Hey. What were
you doing in there?
I don't know how we lost 'em.
How'd that little skunk get
on board in the first place?
He got on board
with his sister.
Oh. Oh, you mean the pet.
Now, if I were miss Tracy,
how would I get out of here?
Ah.
The white zone is
for immediate loading
And unloading of
passengers only.
No parking. Violators
will be towed away.
What are we gonna
do? -Hide Duster.
Take off, driver!
This cab is taken.
Of course, it's
taken. We're taking it.
I'm afraid we've lost
them, Mr. Osborne.
I'm afraid we haven't.
Peter, follow that cab.
I wonder what they're up to.
Where do you think you kids
are goin'? -We're running away.
Running away, huh?
Yes, just like you are.
Just a minute there, young lady.
Who says we're running away?
Betcha they would.
They'd be pretty interested in
these burglar tools. -Burglar tools!
I believe this is what is
known as a Jimmy. -Give me that.
This is a pick for
locks. -Put that away.
Boy, a couple of real
crooks. What'd you get?
So far, just a couple of
kids. -And a skunk. A skunk!
It's just a pet.
Well, you and your pet better
get yourselves another ride.
Okay.
Driver, would you please turn
around and stop that police car?
Just keep going ahead, driver.
Sergeant turner?
What happened? -They were after
the safe in the treasurer's office.
Cleaning lady said they had it
open, but it wasn't blown or forced.
Just a little adhesive
tape stuck to the door.
Adhesive tape. About this
far from the dial? -Yes, sir.
Recognize the MO, sir? -A guy
I've been tryin' to nail for years.
- How much did he get?
- Apparently nothing.
- That's my man. He never did.
- I had a case like that...
In my socio-psychology
course at the academy.
Oh, Longnecker... -It's the
sadomasochistic personality at work.
Longnecker. -This man is part
of the compulsive loser syndrome.
Longnecker, this guy was not
a loser. He was just unlucky.
Until he disappeared five
years ago, he was the best.
And if he's back in business, we'd
better get lucky before he does.
You can drop us
right, uh, here.
Well, kids, this is
where we say good-bye.
- Is this your hideout?
- Will you please...
- Pay the driver, Bert.
- Oh, sure, Duke. Oh, Duke.
You haven't got any loose
change on ya, have ya?
You didn't bring
any money with you?
Well, we had the car
when we left home.
I thought we'd be loaded
now. -How are we gonna pay?
Keep the change, driver.
- Why aren't you in that cab?
- We can use a hideout too.
No, no. No Chance. No.
If you're runnin' away that means
somebody's gonna come lookin' for you.
We've got enough troubles.
Get out of here. Scat.
Scat. -Okay. Okay.
- Come on, Jay.
- Where we goin'?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's
a park that we can sleep in.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
It's just my asthma. -Asthma?
You know I always get it when it's
cold and damp and late at night,
And I have to sleep outdoors.
But I'll be all right.
Let's get some of these
newspapers out of the trash can.
What for?
To stuff inside of our
clothing, so we don't freeze.
Just... One... Night.
Shall I retrieve them, sir?
There might be one alternative.
On the other hand, would you say
the children are in imminent danger?
No, sir.
And might not a look on
the seamier side of life
Help them to show more
respect for the finer things?
Oh, I believe it would, sir.
If we leave Peter behind
to keep an eye on them,
Might this be the tonic to
straighten those children up,
Make them into better citizens?
Indeed, it might, sir.
That's very astute
of you, Jameson.
You can expect a bonus
along with your raise.
I got the keys.
Five grand, Duke. Where
we gonna get five grand?
We'll get it. We'll get
it. Now just don't panic.
Yeah, right.
Gotcha. Don't panic.
After all, we're just small
potatoes to a guy like big Joe.
He deals with millions.
He probably forgot
all about us.
Then again, he
probably remembered.
Would you believe the
door was open, Duke?
We knew that you would want us
to make ourselves comfortable.
Oh, sure, make yourselves
comfortable. You already have.
Freddie.
Hello, kids.
Hello, "puddy cat."
I didn't know you were
a family man, Duke.
Oh, yes, yes, of course,
yes. This is my niece.
And, um... My niece and
nephew from, uh, buffalo.
Buffalo. -Buffalo!
That's near Syracuse.
Bert, why don't you see if we can
get some pajamas for the kids...
And tuck 'em in to their little
beddy-by. -Oh, sure, sure.
Psst.
Grapevine tells me that, uh,
You were at the
airport tonight, Duke.
Yeah, but it's my
usual luck, Joe.
See? Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, that's too bad.
The computer's gonna be
very unhappy to hear that.
Computer?
Yeah, that note
is... Way overdue.
And it's a sizable amount.
Well, it was $5,000
the last time I looked.
You haven't looked
in a long time, Duke.
And you know those computers.
Clickety-click, clickety-click.
Interest, carryin' charges. Interest
on carryin' charges. Clickety-click.
Well, just how much has
it clickety-clicked up to?
Nine big ones.
N-nine... Nine
thousand dollars?
Every minute we spend talkin',
it's clickety-click clickety-click.
Isn't there some way we
could get an extension?
An extension? -An extension.
I mean, the garage can make it.
We were just
starting to roll...
When they tore up the streets
out here and blocked it off.
Started to build high
rises on each side of us.
Isn't it a shame? Isn't
it a shame, Freddie?
It's a shame, but I can't
tell that to the computer.
Me, I'm a pushover,
but the computer...
If people don't pay their debts,
that computer goes to pieces.
Stick around, shadow.
Come here. I think you might
be interested in this too.
Me? No, I'm just
the wheel man.
I just do the driving. I'm
not even very good at that.
Duke just keeps me around
because I'm his ex-brother-in-law.
See, I was married
to his sister Irene.
We never got along though.
I got along better with Duke.
Guess that's why
he keeps me around.
Guess that's why he let
you sign this note too.
You're buddies, huh? That
is your name, isn't it?
Bert Delaney?
Well, now, I'm not sure
if it's exactly that.
I'd have to check
my birth certificate.
That's in Hackensack,
new jersey.
I was born in Hackensack.
Whole family was.
Mom and the kids.
Bet you'd love to
see your mom again.
Oh, well, poor mom. You
see, she's up in, uh...
Oh. That... That's what
you meant, huh? Yeah, well.
72 hours, Duke.
And I hope you don't
disappoint the computer.
How do you suppose he did that with
just a little stub of the pencil?
I'm wonderin' how we're gonna
get $9,000 in the next 72 hours.
Did you hear what
big Joe said to Duke?
All I heard was
pencils cracking.
Boy, Duke and Bert
are in trouble.
Yeah. This is some
cheesy hideout.
Two guys can just walk in and
shove 'em around like that.
Boy, if this was my hideout,
I'd make a few changes.
They need more than
that. They need money.
- Even more money than we need.
- How're they gonna get it?
Well, I think I have an idea
of how we can all get it.
Duster. Duster.
Duster.
- What do you want, kid?
- It's Duster. I lost him.
Oh, yeah? I'm sorry.
I found him.
Thank you. -Mmm.
Bacon?
Uh-uh. That's
gotta be waffles.
And do I know waffles.
When I was married
to Irene, your sister,
She drove me bananas
with her waffles.
Morning. -What's this?
Breakfast. I hope you like
scrambled eggs and bacon.
Oh, it's better than
waffles and Irene.
- Some surprise, huh, Duke?
- Not to me, it isn't.
Now I said one night.
If you think this meal is gonna
buy you some extra time, young lady,
You're very much
mistaken. -Oh, no.
Breakfast is just
because I like to cook.
And I like to
eat. -And so do I.
Wait a minute. Wait
just one minute here.
We didn't have bacon and eggs in
the house. -You're quite right.
I bought them the second time
I went out. -The second time?
Well, the first time I went out
last night, the market wasn't open,
So I just mailed the
ransom note to grandfather.
You did what? -Ransom
note to grandfather?
For $100,000.
I told him to leave it under the
umbrella tree in Williams garden.
- You... Hold it. Hold it.
- Don't worry. He can spare it.
Yeah, he's got
millions and billions.
Hold it! -All we need is enough
for two tickets to Hong Kong.
You can have the
rest. -Just hold it!
The squeeze may be on, but
it's not enough to turn me...
From being a safecracker
into a kidnapper.
Never enough for that. -But you didn't
kidnap us. We kidnapped ourselves.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous. -Yeah.
Although come to
think of it, they did.
And you didn't send
the ransom note. We did.
She's got a point there too. -All
you've gotta do is pick up the money.
That sounds simple
enough. -Simple?
Have you lost your marbles? Do you
know what the rap is for kidnapping?
He's right, Tracy.
Do you know what the rap is
for not paying big Joe $9,000?
She's right, Duke.
I'd rather lose my marbles
than be a broken pencil.
Oh, you would.
Don't you believe
in fate? -Fate?
It was fate that put
us in that taxi cab
with you. -I thought
it was you, Tracy.
Maybe it was fate, Duke. I mean,
it'd be criminal to go against fate.
The money would help us
all. -Of course, it will.
Come on, Duke. Be a
good Guy and kidnap us.
- Good day, Jameson.
- Good day, sir.
Good day, sir Winston.
After your breakfast, sir,
shall I bring the car around
To pick up miss Tracy
and master James?
There, there, sir Winston.
You have a knack for ruining
a perfectly beautiful morning.
Sorry, sir. Will you have
sausages or bacon with your eggs?
Neither, thank you.
I've lost my appetite.
Yes, I quite
understand. -What's this?
Well, it arrived early this
morning, sir. Special delivery.
Osborne residence. Oh,
yes, Peter. Just a moment.
It's Peter, sir.
Morning, Peter. Hmm?
She went to the...
Went to the mailbox?
I can't imagine.
On the other hand, maybe I can.
I'll be right back to you, Peter.
Very, uh, interesting development
here. We have a ransom note.
Ransom note?
Yes. "Have children.
Leave $100,000. Briefcase.
"under umbrella tree,
Williams gardens, 4:00.
"we mean business."
$100,000. Good heavens, sir.
Shall I ring up the bank?
You miss the point.
Our little Tracy
concocted this nonsense.
She's conned these
poor benighted gentlemen
Into going along
with her idiot plan.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, excuse me, sir.
If I may, sir. What
is our next move?
Next move? Well, as the children
appear to be in no danger whatever,
I shall first finish
my breakfast. -Oh.
Then we will take additional supplies
to Peter for his prolonged vigil,
After which I will have
a nice round of golf.
Sounds delightful, sir. -Also, I'll
have bacon and sausage with my eggs.
Your appetite's
returned, sir. -Quite.
What time you got?
I just told you the
time five minutes ago.
Oh, right, yeah. It was five to 12:00
then, so that'd make it 12:00 now.
So in four hours,
we pick up the money.
Will you please either
drink that or put it down?
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Duke.
Irene always used to make a cup of
hot chocolate to steady the nerves.
She never gave me any though.
They're here! It's the cops!
It's fire engines,
and they're passing by.
Yeah, right. I always
get that backwards.
See, back in jersey,
when you hear a...
It's usually a police car.
But if it's a...
It's probably an ambulance.
But a fire engine can go...
Or ding-ding-ding-ding,
ding-ding-ding.
Personally, I'd
rather hear the...
Because that...
ding-ding-ding-ding...
Boy, that'll drive you crazy.
I'm sorry, Duke. I guess
I'm just a little edgy.
You think we can pull this off?
Who knows?
Maybe. If you can
keep the kids hidden,
And, uh, quiet till 4:00.
Oh. That shouldn't
be too hard.
Where are they?
Well, the girl, Tracy,
she's in the bedroom.
And the boy? -Jay?
Jay!
Check on Jay, too, Duke.
He just walked by
outside the window.
Outside the window!
Jay Osborne, come back here!
Go get him. Go on. I'll
go downstairs. Go get him.
Duster, come back.
Here, Duster. Come on, Duster.
Jay. Now, Jay...
Duster, come back.
Jay, now you be careful.
You hear me, Jay?
Oh.
You masher! I'll teach
you to look in my window!
I'm sorry, lady. -Heel!
What are you doing
down here? Get up there!
Stop it! Will you stop that!
Be careful, Bert!
No!
Duster, you come down here.
What are you doing
up there, Jay?
Duster!
Duster. Duster.
How'd he get up there?
I don't know. Duster!
Here, Duster.
Duster!
Get back here!
Duster!
Duster, you get back here!
Where do you
think you're going?
I gotta go get
Duster. -Get back.
Come on, Duster.
Come on. Nice skunk.
Come on.
Duster, come here!
Well, go get him!
No! -No, Bert! No! Get back!
Hold on, Duster.
Get a... Get a canvas!
Anything! A gunny
sack! A potato bag!
Hold on, Duster. He's
comin' out to get ya.
Be careful. -What?
Get it in here! All
right, stretch it tight.
Get it out! Stretch it
tight! Stretch it tighter!
This way!
Ah! Ah, ah.
Now hold on!
Here! Grab my wrist.
Hang on!
Whoa! -Whoa!
Hey!
Oh, no! -Don't!
Get us down!
Are ya all right,
kid? -Yeah, thanks.
Holy smoke! A skunk!
Let's get outta here!
Duster! -Jay!
Duster, you come back here!
Where do you
think you're goin'?
I gotta get Duster
before he falls off.
You stay here and I'll...
I'll go out and get him.
Be careful, Duster!
Boy, Duster. You
can come back now.
We got Duster.
Ow!
Come on now, fella.
Come on. Slow and easy.
No, son. Come on back here.
Gimme your hand, tex,
rod. Now come on, fella.
Easy now. Don't look down.
Now come on. Come on.
Just another step.
Nothin' to be
afraid of. That's it.
Hold it, mister.
Hey, Mac, don't move.
- Bert, come back!
- Huh? What'd you say?
Get back!
Bert, don't step!
Don't what?
Bert, don't!
Bert! Bert?
How long did you
say it is until 4:00?
Oh, what a haul.
A hundred grand!
Plus a cowhide briefcase!
Doesn't feel like a
hundred grand to me.
Maybe he wrote us a check.
"having difficulty raising
the money. Will need more time.
"probably until after Easter
vacation. J.W. Osborne."
"having difficulty
raising the money.
"will need more time. Probably
until after Easter vacation."
That grandfather of yours
has got some sense of humor.
But I don't understand.
You don't understand?
Why, it's very simple.
Your grandfather isn't
taking us seriously.
Nobody's taking us seriously.
What do we do, Duke?
We get ourselves
out of this caper,
And we ship those kids back to
their grandfather, that's what we do.
Ship them back? You mean,
give up the money entirely?
Money? What money?
Don't you think he'll come up
with something to get 'em back?
Would you? So far, all we've
got out of this kidnapping
Is an I.O.U. And a
genuine leather briefcase.
Yeah, but what about big Joe?
If we don't come up
with what we owe him,
He's liable to go from
clickety-click to bangety-bang.
We'll just take one thing
at a time. Now first...
I don't care how much you pound
on that door. You can't come in.
Our grandfather will never
pay that ransom. Never, never!
Did you leave the TV on
upstairs? -That's no TV.
- Help? How can I?
- Give me that chair.
Hold on now, Jay!
You can do it!
I can't, Tracy. I can't.
They're pushing too hard.
What'd you say? There's so much
noise I can't even hear you.
Oh, no, there it goes. They
just broke down the door.
- Help, help!
- They're here now.
They're coming in.
Tell grandfather...
Tell him to pray for us.
Just who were you talking to?
The police. -The police!
Now they'll take you seriously.
Might as well write
that second ransom note.
Police'll be lookin'
for you anyway.
The police?
I'm beginnin' to feel more like
the kidnappee than the kidnapper.
I don't feel like
either one of them.
Because there isn't going
to be a second ransom note.
The police, already?
That can't be the police.
They only move that fast
to tow away parked cars.
Well, go on. Open the door.
Who is it?
It's for you, Duke.
For me?
Just happened to be in
the neighborhood, Duke.
Thought I'd come by and give you
a friendly reminder: 48 hours.
Hi, Joe. Big Joe.
48 hours, Duke.
The computer doesn't
like to be kept waiting.
Does it, Freddie?
No, it doesn't.
Hello, kid. How's
the puddy cat?
Joe, we're workin'
on the money.
I hope so. We wouldn't
want the computer
to blow a fuse,
would we, Freddie?
No, we wouldn't.
Buffalo, eh? -What?
Duke tells me
you're from buffalo.
Oh, yes.
You happen to know
a cousin of mine
By the name of
Frankie Longtooth?
No, I don't think
so. -That's funny.
Frankie Longtooth is a very
prominent citizen in buffalo.
Look, Joe, you've
got my word for it.
You'll get your
money, all $9,000.
- Eleven thousand?
- Clickety-click.
48 hours, Duke.
I think we'd better make
that 47 hours and 55 minutes.
Clickety-click.
Sh... -What are
we gonna do, Duke?
I'll tell ya what we're
gonna do. We're gonna...
Write that second ransom note,
That's what we're gonna do.
Harry, you guys
are supposed to be
The best crime
lab in the state.
Sergeant turner?
I know it's a tape Mark.
What about it? What kind?
Sergeant turner?
Shh. All right.
Stay on it, will ya?
Sergeant turner.
I have waited five long
years for that guy to surface.
It isn't often a man gets
a second Chance like this.
I tell you there is no way
he's gonna escape me this time.
There may be one way. -How?
We're off the case. -Off?
Off. -Off.
- I got a kidnapping for you.
- What about the safecracker?
The children of JW Osborne.
I want you two there.
But my... -Immediately.
You're expected.
Here's the address.
Go. -Yes, sir.
And Max, this is no phantom
safecracker you're playing with.
These are dangerous men,
so proceed cautiously.
And Max, be tactful.
You're going to have a nervous,
worried grandfather on your hands.
Mr. Osborne, the police are
here about Tracy and Jay.
There, sir Winston. They haven't
found them already, have they?
No, sir. -Oh, thank goodness.
Once the strong arm of
the law starts muscling
us around, it'll be
"do this, do that."
They'll have us paying that ransom,
and you know what that means.
I do, sir.
Well, it was a splendid little
vacation while it lasted.
Send them in.
This way, sergeant.
Mr. Osborne, sergeant turner
here. Detective Longnecker.
Gentlemen. -This
is a nasty business.
We know what you're
going through,
But we do have a way of
handling these things.
Now, I know you're
gonna argue with me,
But what we want you to
do is absolutely nothing.
Nothing?
That's right. Ignore the note.
No contact. No
ransom. Nothing.
It's what we call our "projected
low-profile procedure."
Longnecker. -In our kidnapping
studies at the academy, we found...
We'll be in
touch, Mr. Osborne.
Meantime, try to relax, sir.
Rest assured, Mr. Osborne.
We're right on top of it.
Jameson.
Now that the police are "right
on top of it", to coin a phrase...
We wouldn't want to interfere
in their little investigation.
It would be positively
insulting to tell
them where the children
are, wouldn't it?
Oh, most definitely, sir.
You've just earned
yourself another bonus.
- What are you doing?
- Opening your safe.
You're what?
Just one more tumbler to go.
Oh, I figured out what everything
was for. It's rather easy.
But you...
Sure. Safecrackin's a cinch.
Are you going to
mail the ransom note?
You just go on
playin' with the safe
And stay out of trouble.
Duke! -Are you finished
pasting up the note?
A-a-almost.
Duke, we're on TV.
Please, please, please.
One question at a time.
With just a phone
call to go on,
How do you expect
to crack the case?
We've only been on the case a
few hours. Easy there, fella.
We'll have to wait and
see what tomorrow brings.
Haven't you made that "tomorrow"
speech a few other times, sergeant?
Turner!
...Like with the phantom
safecracker a few years ago?
You got a good memory, Sandy.
Duke, is that the Guy you've been
givin' the slip to all these years?
Yeah. I've never
seen him before.
Good thing TV isn't two-way.
He'd be lookin' right at ya.
Eventually I will
catch that safecracker,
But at the moment, there are
two kids and $100,000 at stake.
75. I reduced it
from 100,000 to 75.
Sort of like a
clearance sale, huh?
Anything to unload those kids.
If turner's on this, we gotta
move fast. Where's that note?
You're kinda wearin' it.
What?
Where's the envelope?
I didn't finish the note
yet. I didn't put the date on.
It's fine. It's just fine.
I'll be back in about an hour.
An hour, just to
mail a ransom note?
I don't wanna mail it
in the neighborhood.
Can I go with ya?
'course not. With the police
lookin' all over for those kids,
Somebody's gotta watch 'em.
Why do I always get
the dangerous part?
What can be dangerous about
taking care of a couple of kids?
Hey, is this real dynamite?
Give me that and
don't throw... Ah!
Well, is it?
You stay out of our
supplies. You hear me?
Well, Duster and I have
nothing to do. We're bored.
When your sister's
through playin' in there,
Why don't you go on in and try
opening up my safe with my tools?
No, thanks. I'd
rather use dynamite.
Duke, can I please
mail the ransom note?
No. You stay here
and keep 'em busy.
Well? -Well, what?
He said you were
to keep me busy.
I'll tell ya what. I'll give ya
your choice: Old maid or go fish.
I hate cards. -What then?
I got it. Judo.
I don't know anything
about judo. -Well, I do.
Duster, you sit right
there and watch this.
Come on, Jay, that
wouldn't be fair.
A man like me against
a fella like you...
C'mon, two falls outta three.
Grab my wrist.
Ha-rah!
You're right. You don't
know anything about judo.
I have a feeling
I'm gonna learn.
Well, the note's in the mail.
Hi, Duke.
Don't tell me.
Charades, right?
- You're a pretzel.
- My first judo lesson.
Judo? Oh, Bert.
Duke, you wouldn't wanna send
another ransom note, would ya?
And lower it to $50,000. Before Jay
comes back with lesson number two.
Back? Back from where?
He went out to
get some liniment.
How long's he been gone?
Can you see my watch?
You mean you let
those kids outta here
When we're this close to getting
that computer off of our back?
I'm looking for a Mr.
Duke and a Mr. Bert.
We have the children
down at the station.
I'm going to have to ask you
gentlemen to come with me.
Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid
you're in a little trouble.
But, sergeant, if I
could just explain.
You've been ID'ed by the kids.
It was the girl's
fault. It was her idea.
That's right. -We didn't
want any part of it.
No, we had...
It's too late now.
The law's the law.
Sure, the law's the law. An eye
for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
If you've got an animal,
you've gotta have a license.
But there's such
a thing as mercy...
And a right to stand before the
bar of Justice and say "animal"!
Animal? License?
Animal license?
That's what we're
here for, right?
Certainly. -Right!
Uncle Duke, uncle Bert, hi.
We lost Duster on the way
home, but then we found him.
Sure.
Well, I guess that
about wraps it up, right?
Not quite. $2.00
for the license.
$2. Oo. Yes, of
course, certainly.
I don't... I
haven't got... Oh.
There we go.
And a form to
fill out. -Form.
Mind if we take it
home and fill it out?
- Suit yourself.
- Thank you very much.
I'll check on that M.O.
Right now, sergeant turner.
On second thought, I think
I'll fill it out right here.
Okay, Benson. Turn 'em over.
I know you guys got fingerprints
off the safe at the airport.
I thought you were off
that case, you old bulldog.
I'll be off it when I see
that safecracker behind bars.
- Excuse me.
- Perfectly all right.
Anything break
on the kidnapping?
Not yet. We don't
have any pictures.
All we know is
a couple of kids.
Girl about her age,
boy about his age.
Probably in the hands
of a couple of hoodlums.
Isn't that terrible,
uncle Duke and uncle Bert?
Two kids our age, in the
hands of a couple of hoodlums.
Yeah, it's terrible.
Here are the prints.
They're smudgy.
They'll do.
Believe me, Benson.
Those kidnappers
and that safecracker
Aren't slipping through
my fingers this time.
- Excuse me.
- Perfectly all right.
Thank you, sergeant.
Come on, uncle Bert.
Jay, you gonna be
out of there soon?
In just a minute.
I'm brushing Duster's teeth.
Brushing a skunk's teeth.
Hey, whose
toothbrush you using?
Never mind, never mind.
I don't wanna know.
Well?
Well, the third ransom
note is on its way.
The rest is up to grandpa.
After a day like today, I sure
am glad we lowered it to 50 g's.
After a day like today,
I lowered it to 30.
You know, though, they're not
really bad kids to have around.
If you've got
hospitalization. -Yeah, right.
What are you doing?
Do you realize anybody could walk
in here... The police, big Joe.
The security here is lousy.
What would you suggest? A nest
of rattlesnakes at the front door?
Not a bad idea. I'll
put that on my list.
List? What list? What is this?
I got a bunch of things here that
could make this place foolproof.
If you take a rope...
I thought I told
you to take a bath.
I was too busy thinking.
And you take it...
Well, we are taking you to
your grandfather's clean.
But we're going to Hong Kong.
I've got dinner.
Or do I? My nose tells
me this is better.
Mmm, that smells
terrific. What is it?
Chili relleno.
Maria's special recipe.
Maria. That your mother?
Uh-uh. Our maid.
She's Mexican.
Mexican, huh?
What are these funny-looking
little hamburgers here?
Swedish meatballs. -Swedish?
That Maria
certainly got around.
- They were Hildas recipe.
- Hilda. That's another maid?
Uh-huh.
Sounds like you spend an
awful lot of time with maids.
Mother's the head
of a magazine.
Oh, well, I see.
I didn't know that.
And that keeps her very busy.
Yeah, su-sure, sure.
I can understand that.
Hope you like your
baked apples cinnamon.
Baked apples with
cinnamon? Mmm.
They're my favorite.
I know. Bert told me.
Oh, he did, did he?
I've been doing a
little research myself,
And Jay tells me that you
are a perfect size eight.
Is that right?
For me? -Mm.
I love it.
And green's my favorite color.
Did Jay tell you that too?
No. Just a guess.
Well, that was a pretty
lucky guess, I guess.
Is it too late to
lower that to 25,000?
I'll tell Mr.
Osborne you're here.
He's just finishing breakfast.
- Slept late, you see.
- It's almost noon.
Grandchildren in the
hands of kidnappers,
The old man sleeps till
noon. He's a strange one.
Strange?
A distraught grandfather
pacing the floor half the night,
Finally falling, exhausted,
into a fitful slumber at dawn.
He has to sleep until
noon. -Longnecker.
The courage of the man.
Just you wait, sergeant.
I'll bet the old guy comes
in smiling and cheerful,
Covering up, like there's
nothing on his mind.
Well, well, and top of
the morning to both of you.
What brings you
two around so early?
- The ransom note.
- The ransom note?
I gave it to you
yesterday. -The new one.
Your man called us about
it over an hour ago.
Oh, forgive me. I've had so
many lately, I get muddled.
We're losing over 20,000
cells a day, you know.
What does it say?
We'll find out when we
get it open, won't we?
If I was a betting man, I
wouldn't mind risking a ten-spot
They've come down
to, um, 35,000 by now.
Uh-oh, missed it by
five. They're down to 30.
I must say, your "do nothing"
plan is working beautifully.
Uh, mind if I take
that note, Mr. Osborne?
By all means. Anything I can
to help. Keep up the good work.
I want you to know, sir,
you have an admirer here.
Longnecker.
Fore.
"4:00, wharf 33, san
Pedro. Be there in person."
Sir, I've been giving
this case a lot of thought,
And I have a theory, if I may.
I had a course in the law of
probability at the academy.
Fact: The kidnapper and the
safecracker were at the airport
On the very same
night at the same hour.
Fact: They both disappeared
at precisely the same instant.
Fact: Neither one of them
has been seen to this moment.
Query: Could the safecracker and the
kidnapper be one and the same person?
Longnecker, a safecracker
is a safecracker,
And a kidnapper is a kidnapper,
And I wish I could say a
policeman was a policeman.
Am I confusing you?
I thought it would be some useful
information in solving the case.
I have some useful information.
Our "do nothing" plan is about
to become a "do something" plan.
Move! -Oh, yeah.
Do you have the keys, sir?
Uh-huh,
uh-huh.
Well, what time does the
6:30 flight get to Honolulu?
And then when would
we get to Hong Kong?
I'd like to make a
reservation for two,
Nancy Adams and
her brother, John.
I thought we were going.
Shh! We can't give out our real
name with people looking for us.
We'll pay for the tickets
when we get there, in cash.
Well, it's all
set. -So's this.
What are you doing up there?
Just working on a couple
of inventions to protect us.
Protect us?
If anybody gets in,
they'll never get out.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, Duke! Everything's set.
Got us some great wheels. Bo Beasley
brought his car in for repairs.
Okay, let's... -I called
the airlines, Duke.
If you come back with the money by
5:00, we can make the 6:30 flight.
Yeah.
If we don't get moving, nobody's
going to be going anywhere. Come on.
Could that possibly
be you, big Joe?
t's him.
Computer just reminded me,
Duke. Two and a half hours.
We'll have your $11,000...
You'll get your $13,000
by then, big Joe.
That's good, Duke.
Are you sure that you've never
heard of my cousin Frankie Longtooth?
No, sir.
Hmm. Maybe you would know
him by his legitimate name.
John Smith?
Huh, that's funny.
Very prominent in buffalo.
Seen your mother lately?
Oh, no. No. Mom's up in, uh...
'member, I told you?
I thought maybe you forgot.
I didn't forget. Me and
the computer never forget.
Uh-uh.
Oh, boy. One of these days...
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you kids remain
quiet and hidden,
And don't open that door
for anybody, you hear?
I told you. You have
nothing to worry about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.
- Oh, I gotta get my jacket.
I have the whole
apartment protected.
Oh, sure. Well, it's one thing
to know something about judo,
But if somebody goes
pushin' in that door...
Boy! It works great!
Between you and the pencil, that
grandfather of yours better be there.
Let's go.
Mr. Osborne, the
children's mother's here.
Carolyn, here?
Carolyn, my dear. How
did... -How did I find out?
I got a wire in Hong Kong from
the police. That's how I found out.
Have you heard
from Tracy and Jay?
Not exactly, but I
assure you, they're fine.
They're fine! In the hands
of kidnappers, they're fine.
Well, we have a rendezvous
with them in an hour.
Then what are we
standing around here for?
It's the police, Carolyn.
The police, it's their idea.
They've been handling the
case beautifully, haven't they?
They feel that if we
hand over the ransom,
It would be bad
for their plans.
Their plans!
I don't believe this.
It's fine to be cold and
calculating when you're the police,
But you're their grandfather!
How did they get kidnapped
in the first place?
- It happened rather suddenly...
- Where's that meeting place?
I'm going there. -Wait
a minute. Hold it...
I'll drive you there.
We need some money. Jameson, you
stay here in case the police call.
I'll wait in the
car. Please hurry.
I beg your pardon, but wouldn't
it be simpler to call Peter
And have him pick up the children
rather than pay the ransom?
If my daughter-in-law discovered I
knew the whereabouts of the children,
It would hardly cement our
budding relationship, would it?
You do have a point, sir.
Wouldn't you say it's
worth 10 or 15,000
to water that
flowering friendship?
I do indeed, sir.
Good thinking, Jameson.
You've just earned yourself...
Another bonus. Thank
you very much, sir.
The kids in Duke's apartment!
Buffalo!
And me and the computer had Bert
and Duke figured for two-bit hoods.
They got the caper
of the year goin'.
"it is rumored that the ransom
demand is almost $100,000..."
One hundred thousand
dollars. That's chicken feed.
They are two-bit hoods. Old
man Osbornes are worth millions.
Freddie, I think it's time
for the pros to take over.
Anything wrong,
sir? Can I help you?
No, thank you. We're
about to help ourselves.
Okay, that's fine. Now keep
it coming. Keep it coming.
'scuse me. What wharf is this?
Wharf 32. -Thank you.
Wharf 32.
- Next is, uh...
- Wharf 33.
Right, right. I'm sorry, Duke.
I guess I'm just
a little nervous.
I got the whole thing again. Sweaty
palms, butterflies in the stomach.
And we're nowhere
near the airport.
I bet you it isn't planes
at all. I'm a nervous wreck.
We don't know what
they're driving, Henderson.
Anything at all that
approaches, check in.
Right, sir. Don't worry.
I'm perched like an eagle.
Can't miss a thing
from up here. Out.
Oh, you're gonna love
this trap, sergeant.
I borrowed it from the old
spider-and-fly routine...
We learned at the acad...
uh, you know the place I mean.
Are you trying to tell me
this looks like J.W. Osborne?
Sir, you're the image.
- It's ridiculous.
- Oh, but, sir!
I can't see. I can't breathe.
And there's no room for my nose!
Sir, it's a work of art. Department
four was working on this all night.
Now, why don't you
just give it a Chance
to fit to the
contours of your face.
Huh. Huh. You're right.
It does feel better.
I still can't see.
But I seem to be able to breathe
easier. Ah, how's it look?
You sure I look like Osborne?
Exactly.
What are you doin'?
If this doesn't work, Longnecker,
I'm burning down the academy.
Charlie four to C.Q.
Charlie four to C.Q.
Uh, hello Charlie four.
Uh, hello. This is C.Q.
Henderson here. Suspicious
car now entering wharf area.
They have just passed dock 32
and are headed for your position.
Suspicious car headed
for our position.
I heard it.
Stay alert.
This must be them, sir.
There's a little
red car comin'.
There they are.
Have you got the
stocking masks?
No, but I got these.
I'm the clown, and
you're the big, bad wolf.
All right. You're the clown,
and I'm the big, bad wolf.
They're here,
sir. They're here.
Keep talking to me.
I can't see anything.
That, unless I'm
mistaken, is grandpa.
Longnecker, I can't
see out of this thing!
All right. Keep
your eyes peeled.
There are two fellas, sir. One
of them is getting out right now.
He's com... he's
coming towards you, sir.
They-they seem to
be wearing masks.
Yes, sir, it's masks of the
common Halloween variety, sir.
It's another limousine, sir.
Yipe. Sir, it's J.W. Osborne.
Afternoon, sergeant turner.
There's two grandfathers!
It's a trap!
Move!
Stop!
Longnecker, they're
getting away!
Uh, red alert! Red alert!
This is C.Q. To all
units. Red alert.
Look!
Carolyn!
What? What... who are you?
- I want to explain...
- Come on, sergeant.
- We'll get 'em.
- Get 'em, you dummy?
You haven't even got me.
Hold this.
That's not mine.
We're taking your car.
Longnecker, get in!
Call the C.P. And start plan
A.X., priority four west.
Seal the grids as outlined
and be sure... - get in!
Yes, sir.
- Something I must explain...
- t's a police matter.
Don't worry. We'll get him.
That's what I'm afraid of.
- What are you doing here?
- You've got my kids.
- That's what I'm doing here.
- Your kids? You're in Hong Kong.
No, no, no. That's
her, all right.
She and the kids have both got a way
of climbing into other people's cars.
Where are my children? -Your
children are safe, go Osborne.
Which is more than I
can say for us right now.
If it's the money, you'll
get it. We'll pay the ransom.
Money? Well, that's
terrific. Except money
doesn't seem to be all
that important right now.
What do you mean? Are you
the kidnappers or aren't you?
Well, sort of.
Henderson, do you see
them? -I'm looking, sir.
There they are. -Where?
You've just passed 'em. -You
just passed 'em. Turn around.
Where'd they go?
I don't understand this.
You grab a couple of kids,
You terrify everybody, and
you're "sort of" kidnappers?
Well... - kidnappers have
responsibility too, you know.
Responsibility? -Yes, indeed.
You're talkin' about
responsibility? You?
What kind of a mother are you?
You ran all over the world.
I mean, you can't raise kids
by long distance, you know.
Or by schoolteachers, or a maid,
or by a grouchy grandfather.
Or by a Bert. Those kids
are a handful, you know.
There they are!
Duck!
Henderson. Come in, Henderson.
Uh, sergeant, did you
notice you lost your top?
Never mind my top! Did
you see the red car?
Uh, uh... they're turnin'
in at the fish dock, sir.
All cars, all
cars, anyone in the
vicinity, block north
end of fish docks.
Your kids want attention
and affection, and
they're gonna get it
from anybody they can.
That's right, even from a couple
of so-called, "sort of" kidnappers.
What would you know
about raising my children?
Mrs. Osborne, we have just spent
three straight days with your kids.
When was the last
time you did the same?
There they are! -Go!
Look out!
Notify all units.
All units. All units. Subjects
heading west to grid coordinate 54.
All units. All units.
Red car heading west.
Oh.
What?
Move!
Stop! Back up!
That way. They went that way.
No, look!
Move!
All units. All units. Does
anybody have them in sight?
Yes, sir. They're headed
right for my position.
They're coming down pier 27.
They're headed right towards me.
Get somebody to head them off!
Crane operator!
Crane operator!
When I say the words,
"drop me", drop me.
Drop me!
Not me! The bucket!
Start it! Start it!
Ah.
Aah!
Longnecker!
Get us outta here!
There they are!
Step on it!
Look out!
Hey!
Come on, sit up! Aaah!
Aah!
Thank you, Longnecker.
You're welcome, sir.
Keep writing.
"only these are
other kidnappers,
"and they want half
a million dollars...
"or our lives."
All right. Read
that back to me.
"dear grandpa, we are
being held by kidnappers.
"only these are
other kidnappers,
"and they want half a
million dollars or our lives."
Very good.
P.S. Please do
it, if you love us.
He'll never go for that.
We are in terrible danger.
All right. Sign it.
That's very good. All right,
come on, kids. Let's go.
This your hat?
Where's your pussycat?
Where we going?
Taking you to a quieter
place. -We can't.
We gotta wait
for Duke and Bert.
Forget Duke and Bert. Come on.
Ha-rah!
Whoa! Whoa!
- Come on, Jay.
- Duster! Duster!
Jay! -I can't find Duster.
Come on! Look out!
Get the girl!
Hey!
You just stay right
there. Don't you move.
Ow!
All right. Now where
you gonna go, huh?
Gotcha!
Wha...
What's going on?
Tracy! Tracy!
Freddie! -Big Joe!
Dummy.
The children are
still up there.
Never came out of the building.
They'll be with us by the time
my daughter-in-law gets home.
What are you doing?
Just setting up some more traps
in case big Joe has friends.
Brat!
Hey. -Is it them?
Yes, but it's the wrong them.
Grandfather! It's
the old double cross.
Duke and Bert? Never.
Something must have happened.
Yeah. Grandfather'll get us,
and we'll never get to mother.
Oh, yes, we will.
Don't worry. It's easy.
Just go ahead. Duster!
Well, Peter, I suppose
we'd best go in.
Perhaps the little
ones have changed, sir.
Yes, I have considered
that possibility.
Maybe I have been
a trifle too harsh.
After all, I've not
really given them a Chance.
Who knows? This may be
the beginning of a...
A whole new relationship.
Good heavens!
Mr. Osborne!
Peter, this is absurd.
Duster! Duster!
Come on, Jay. -We can't.
Not till I find Duster.
Never mind. I found him.
Come back. Hey. Egg
fooyoung waiting for you.
Hey, is that yours?
Totaled.
A whole police car...
Completely totaled.
Not completely, sir.
Completely.
Don't despair, sergeant.
I've picked up a lead.
- Longnecker, I...
- Over the car radio.
Somebody saw two kids come out
of a garage apartment window.
I have the address
right here. = Longnecker!
Can't you tell the difference
Between a genuine
clue and a crank call?
Yes. Class in the law of
probability at the academy...
Lecture 10 on
crank phone calls.
One phone call out of 25
may contain a useful clue.
Now, sir, the way
that I see it, we...
I'm going back to the station,
I'm going to change
into some dry clothes,
And then I'm going to
check on Mr. Osborne.
Then I'm going to try to forget...
mind you, try to forget...
That you and the
academy ever existed.
Yes, sir. I think you
have a point there.
- Get outta here!
- Hey, hey. They gone.
Kids are gone.
Pretty quick. -Gone?
But not quick enough. That skunk
empty out my whole restaurant.
Did you see which
way they went?
Yes, hitch ride on another cement
truck. -Well, let's go! Come on.
- How far are you going?
- Sepulveda boulevard, honey.
Does that help you?
It does if we can get a
bus there to Merlin oaks.
Merlin oaks? That's
where grandfather lives.
Mr. Osborne? -Yes?
My name is big Joe
Adamo. -How do you do.
How'd you do. Here, read this.
Don't be ridiculous, man.
I can't read upside down.
It says, "we want half a
million dollars", Mr. Osborne.
Strange. I don't seem to be
able to hear upside down, either.
- = Mr. Osborne? Longnecker, sir.
- Welcome aboard, Longnecker.
This... where is he?
This would-be kidnapper is
demanding half a million dollars.
A-ha!
You have the right
to remain silent!
If you give up that right,
Anything you say can and
will be used against you.
If can open one of Duke's
safes, I can open this one.
Hey, so can I.
Especially when
it's already open.
Get the flashlight.
Don't you move, Duster.
There's so much money, I
can't even count it all.
Let's not count it. Let's
take it. -We're not taking it.
We're borrowing it. And just
enough to get us to Hong Kong.
Come on.
He's gonna see us.
Worse than that.
He didn't see us.
Help! Help! We're
stuck in here!
Help! -Anybody
out there? Help!
- Good evening, go Osborne.
- Where are the children?
The children? -Tracy! Jay!
Didn't you get them? -No,
but we traced them here.
I'm afraid I haven't seen
them. Where's Mr. Osborne?
Help!
Maybe they're upstairs.
= I don't think so, madam.
They couldn't possibly have
got in without my seeing them.
The children!
Evening, Jameson.
Mr. Osborne in? -Oh,
I'm afraid not, sergeant.
- This is the children's mother.
- How do you do, go Osborne?
- I'm sergeant turner.
- How do you do, sergeant?
Um...
Haven't we met before? -Uh...
They've been helping me
look for Tracy and Jay.
I could've sworn I've
seen you somewhere...
Recently. -Recently?
Well, that's possible.
Yes, yes. Of course.
We're very good
friends with Mr...
Osborne. -Osborne.
We've been corresponding with
him for quite some time now.
Hey, help! Someone's in here.
Help, help! We're stuck.
We know that Tracy
and Jay hitched a ride
on a cement truck
and headed this way.
How did you know they
were your children?
W-well, uh, we were lucky
enough to get a clue.
I still think we
should look upstairs.
Good idea, and we'll go out and
retrace our steps along the road.
Right, right. Who knows?
The kids might be out
there trying to hitch
a ride, and we passed
them in the dark.
Wait.
I'll go with you.
Oh, don't you
worry, go Osborne.
I don't mean to boast, but if
anybody can pick up that scent...
That isn't exactly
the scent I meant.
A skunk!
Yes, and inside
the house, madam.
The children are here.
Come on.
- What's behind this wall?
- Mr. Osborne's safe.
Can you open it? -Well,
I can open the panel.
Me? -Uh, yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's big enough.
- There's somebody out there!
- It's probably grandfather.
So? Who cares? For the first time
in my life, I'd be glad to see him.
We're in here. Help. -Help.
It's them. They're
in there. -Tracy!
Jay!
Tracy! Jay!
I don't think they can hear you
in there. -How do we get them out?
Mr. Osborne's the only
who knows the combination.
How long will the
air last in here?
Well, it looks to be
about, uh, 72 inches high...
By, uh, say roughly
48 inches wide.
These safes are usually
30, 36 inches deep.
Uh, you seem to know quite a bit about
safes. -It's just a guess, sergeant.
The air. How
long will it last?
I'd say 20 minutes. Probably
less. Certainly no more.
Someone has got to
find Mr. Osborne,
Get the combination to
that safe, and quickly.
Haven't you heard
from him at all?
No, madam. He's probably
hung up somewhere.
I'll have headquarters put
out an all-points bulletin.
- Where's the phone?
- Here, sergeant.
Thank you.
Put out an all-points
bulletin on a J.W. Osborne.
It's a Harkness.
It's old, but they're still tough
to open, even with the tools.
For the best, I'll give
you seven-to-five...
You can crack it well
inside of 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes,
followed by 20 years.
Do you think they'll
find him? -They'll try.
What do we do now? Just wait?
Can't use the explosive, boys.
Not with those children
in there. It's too risky.
Then how are we
going to get them out?
Only one man I know
could open that safe,
But I've never been able
to lay my hands on him.
What, are we helpless?
My children are in there.
All right. Give me
a Chance to think.
I know something about safes.
I used to work
for a safe company.
Maybe I can take a
crack at opening that,
if it's all right
with you, sergeant.
Boy, it sure is hot in here.
What's taking
grandfather so long?
I don't know, Jay.
But think positively.
I'll, uh... I'll
open a window.
I'll do it, sergeant.
I can't hear it.
There's too much oil.
Here's something interesting.
It's like a doctor's
bag or something.
Maybe there's something in here
that's useful in opening a safe.
Yeah, maybe there is, sergeant.
Boy, there isn't
much air in here.
I'm getting static.
We'll give it a try, anyway.
I'm awful tired.
Try to stay awake, Jay.
That's the first one.
I can hardly breathe.
If grandfather ever
gets us out of here,
I'm gonna be a
lot nicer to him.
Okay, that's the second one.
You're gonna make it, Duke.
Not with this one.
It just shorted out completely.
Can it be fixed?
There's no time.
Now, be quiet. Don't breathe.
Don't even move a muscle.
I'm sorry.
I think I've got
it, but I'm not sure.
Duke!
- You did it!
- Yea!
Mom!
Oh, darling. -Mom!
What are you doing here?
I should have been
here all the time.
We really missed you, mom.
Boy, this is the best
vacation I've ever had.
Duster!
Duster. Duster did it.
Duster saved our lives.
Yes. Well, good for Duster.
You know, mom, he's the
neatest pet I've ever had.
Come on, Duster.
Sergeant.
Yeah.
I wanna compliment
you on your skill.
I said there was only one man I could
think of who could open that safe.
Yep. -Apparently I was wrong.
There are two.
Anyway, I understand the
other gentleman is retired.
Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.
If it's the same
man I'm thinking of,
He has retired. Permanently.
No, Dave, listen, I assure you,
My decision is final.
As soon as the kids are out of
school, we're all moving out here.
I sure wish I had the
grass-cutting concession here.
You know, maybe I'll
take up gardening.
Out in the fresh air, close to
the soil. It's good for the nerves.
Yeah.
It's terrific for
your hay fever too.
As soon as grandfather gives you
your loan, you'll have a new garage.
Yeah, well, uh, Tracy, I
been thinking about that,
I'd feel kinda funny about asking
your grandfather for a loan.
You don't have
to. I already have.
You did? -A-and
he okayed it?
Why not? Jay and I are getting
along great with him these days.
Uh-oh.
Well, there goes the garage.
Oh, boy.
- Well, you blew it again, Jay.
- I didn't blow it. He did.
Oh, good heavens.
I was certain I had
the perfect trajectory.
You, sir?
Don't panic. It's just one
more crystal chandelier.
I told Duke and Bert you said
"okay" about the loan, grandfather.
Yes. Right, fine. Let's see, what
is the next thing on the agenda?
Ah, judo. -Uh, Mr. Osborne.
I can't tell you how much
we appreciate that loan.
But it has got to be on a
strictly nonpersonal basis.
I do agree. It should be a note.
Legally correct, duly signed.
So there can be no
misunderstanding. -Absolutely.
What should that
rate of interest be?
Uh, you don't happen to have
any relatives in buffalo, do you?
Not that I can recall, no.
You two gentlemen
drop by the bank in the
morning and we'll wrap
the whole thing up.
- Come along, Jay. Judo time.
- I-I'll be careful, grandpa.
I hope Jay doesn't
get carried away.
I hope your grandfather
doesn't get carried away.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I think I'm gonna like
The idea of this family
of yours living out here.
So am I.
t'll be very convenient.
For instance,
If somebody wanted to take
somebody else to the movies,
Then Bert could stay
here and baby-sit us.
Ha-rah!
I think Jay won another match.
I'll get Dr. Butterworth
on the telephone.
There we are.
Jay!
Oh. Oh, boy.
You should've seen it, Tracy.
One second I had
grandfather in a wristlock,
And the next second I was in the
pond. -It's all in the balance.
I didn't hurt you, I
trust? -Of course not.
You know, I used to be a judo
champion in the armed service.
- A real champion?
- A real champion.
Boy, I think you're
super, grandpa.
Jameson, do you hear
that? Jay thinks I'm super.
- I think you're super too.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
Know something? I
think from now on,
we three are going to have
a lot of fun together.
I think so too. -Me too.
What did you do after I
had you in that wristlock?
Come down to the mat,
and I'll show you.
I'm bigger than you, so use
my weight to help yourself.
Now, hold my wrist
there. The other hand.
Now, bend your
knees. One, two...
No, wait a minute. One,
two. Now, you stand there.
Imagine that I go, "whoo."
now we're even.
...the end...
- You too. Where you going?
Washington, D.C.
How about you?
Don't know. Someplace.
- Mom hasn't told us yet.
- I'll send you a card!
Bye.
No sign of mother yet, Tracy?
She'll be here, go
Hadley. -Good. Good.
I wouldn't want Easter to be as
disappointing for you as Christmas.
That wasn't mother's
fault, go Hadley.
She was working in Paris, and
they ran into complications.
So I remember.
When a person's a complete
head of a magazine,
A person just can't
ignore complications.
Of course.
Speaking of complications,
where's your brother?
He's at
half-mast. -I see.
He's where? -There.
Jay...
What are you doing up there?
I'm looking for something.
Jay Osborne, come
down here this instant.
I can't. I lost Duster.
Never mind. I found him.
My petunias! Oh!
Jay, it's mother!
Mom.
Miss Murdoch.
Tracy. -Where's mom?
There's been a slight change
of plans. In you go, children.
Without that.
Oh, he's my friend.
I never go anywhere
without Duster.
All right, put him in
the basket and get in.
And roll down all the windows.
Oh, go Hadley. -Good-bye,
Tracy. Have a happy Easter.
You, too, go Hadley, and I
have an Easter present for you.
- It's a handkerchief.
- Well, thank you, Tracy.
- And I got a present too.
- Oh, and thank you, Jay.
Aren't you dears?
Bye. -Bye.
You didn't give
anything dumb, I hope.
Heck, no. It's one of my
most valuable possessions.
But what happened to mother? I thought
she was supposed to get in last night.
I'm afraid your mother's been detained
in Hong Kong for another two weeks.
Hong Kong?
Two weeks? That's
our whole vacation.
Well, naturally, your mother
was terribly disappointed.
This is the third
vacation in a row.
Jay, mom can't help
it. Work is work.
So we spend Easter vacation
at home. That's not so bad.
Not at home, dear. There
won't be anyone there.
You see, it's my vacation,
too, and I'm off to Bermuda.
Bermuda? You're
taking us to Bermuda?
Oh, boy!
TWA flight 802 now
boarding at gate three
For Chicago and Los Angeles.
I don't understand,
miss Murdoch.
What are we doing
here? Seeing you off?
No, I'm seeing you off.
Flight 801 to Los Angeles.
Los Angeles?
We're being shipped to
grandfather Osbornes again!
Grandfather Osbornes. I'd
rather go to jail first.
It's only for Easter
vacation. -Some vacation. Yuck.
Thank you. Off you go now.
I'll send you a nice
postcard from Bermuda.
Bermuda?
You wouldn't like to
exchange tickets, would you?
Nonsense. I'll bet by the
time you get to Los Angeles...
You'll be as glad to see your
grandfather as he is to see you.
Trapped, Jameson,
like a rat in a cage.
Well, it's only for Easter
vacation, Mr. Osborne.
- And it is an emergency.
- An emergency!
An emergency is an
earthquake or a tornado.
My daughter-in-law's children
are a science fiction nightmare.
Oh, please, please.
Be very, very careful with
that. It's worth a fortune.
Perhaps they've matured a bit
since their last visit, sir.
Jameson, when it comes
to Tracy and Jay...
There, there, sir
Winston. There, there.
I intend to leave no
piece of crystal in sight.
No Dresden china
unprotected. Up you go.
But the chandelier.
If I may, sir...
How could the little fellow
possibly reach the chandelier?
The same way he reached it last
year: With a rocket ship. Up.
The launch was perfect, till
that chandelier got in the way.
And grandfather didn't have to step
on my rocket ship and crunch it.
He just doesn't
understand kids, Jay.
I mean, it's been so
long since he's had any.
He had us last Summer.
I tried, Tracy. I really did.
I even hid my
skateboard in the closet,
So he wouldn't hurt himself.
How did I know it was the
stairway to the wine cellar?
Airborne, Jameson. That
skateboard was like a b-29.
Straight down the stairs. Decimated
a whole case of muto rostio, 1908.
Yes, a lovely year,
1908. Let me see, sir.
Was that before or after the
errant billiard ball episode?
After, but before the bow and
arrow incident. -Oh, yes, yes.
I believe we still have that large
foam rubber cushion, if needed.
Good. And let's make sure
Dr. Butterworth's number
is handy at all times.
Excuse me, Mr. Osborne. Any
place special for the golf clubs?
Oh, yes. Hide
'em in the attic.
Oh, good heavens. Only three
more hours to countdown.
Three hours till doomsday.
Do you think
she's really upset?
Do I think who's really upset?
Well, mother, about not
spending Easter with us.
Of course. She
just can't pick up
In the middle of
her work and leave.
I'll bet she
wants to be with us
Just as much as we
wanna be with her.
Do you think so?
Sure. I'll bet
you mom wants to...
Jay, suppose we didn't
go to grandfather's.
Huh?
Look out!
Sorry, sir. A near miss.
Bert, Bert, will you
please be careful.
All we need is an accident here,
and we're gonna blow the whole caper.
I missed him, Duke. Ain't that
the main thing, missing him?
Yeah, that's the main
thing, all right, Bert. Yeah.
No harm, no foul! It's
okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Better he tests them anyway.
Bert, how long are we gonna
follow that truck so closely?
Uh, just while our
bumpers are stuck together.
I'll handle it.
- I'm sorry, Duke.
- It's all right.
I guess I'm a little
nervous. Would you believe it?
I got the whole thing: Sweaty
palms, butterflies in the stomach.
Maybe it's the airport.
You know me and flying.
Bert, w-w-will
you just relax.
Yeah, right.
After all, we're not
goin' up in any airplane.
We're just knockin'
over a safe.
You just worry about the safe
and leave everything else to me.
Everything's gonna
go just great. -Yeah.
The white zone is for
immediate loading and unloading
Of passengers
only. No parking.
Okay. If we go
direct to Honolulu...
And then to Guam,
In 14 hours, we
can be in Hong Kong.
With mother! -Right.
If she can't bring her vacation
to us, we'll bring ours to her.
Boy, you got it
all figured out.
Except for one
small thing. -What?
Where do we get the $1,200 to
pay for the two plane tickets?
How about credit cards?
Everybody uses credit cards.
Jay, we don't have
any credit cards.
Okay. Well, then, let's just
write a check at the bank.
Like mother always does.
Jay, you have to have money
in the bank to begin with.
Well, if you don't
take any of my
suggestions, we'll
never get to Hong Kong.
Two pieces, eight
inches long. -Okay.
Last time out, you cracked one of
these in less than seven minutes.
Remember, Duke?
Guy gets a little
Rusty after five years.
Oh, no. Not you, Duke.
You were the best.
Also the unluckiest.
One thing though:
We never got caught.
We also never got anything.
Every safe we opened up either
contained nonnegotiable bonds,
Last year's lottery
tickets or the mouse trap.
Remember the mouse trap?
It was either a case of
going straight or going broke.
Don't think about it now, Duke.
Just concentrate on why
we're going crooked again.
The time has come, Jameson.
Go in. Pick up the children.
Me, sir?
Of course. -Unarmed?
Armed with the knowledge that the
raise I have been promising you...
Will be forthcoming
in your next paycheck.
Oh, that isn't necessary, sir.
Though it does make
the task a bit easier.
Be sure to check for valuables
before leaving the plane.
Duster. Duster.
Duster.
- What's the matter?
- Duster's gone.
Duster.
Has anybody seen a skunk?
Excuse me? Which gate
will flight 801 arrive at?
801? That prob...
get him away from me!
Security!
Run! Skunk! Skunk!
Come on. Let's
get out of here.
What happened? -There were
two of 'em and a skunk.
- Two of what and a skunk?
- Which way did they go?
We hit it. We hit it, Duke.
It's the garage free and clear.
What's that mean?
It means we just
went straight again.
Fill that bucket up
with everything you can.
I locked it.
You locked it.
Let's get out of
here. Leave it.
Okay, nice and easy,
like we're tourists.
Hey. What were
you doing in there?
I don't know how we lost 'em.
How'd that little skunk get
on board in the first place?
He got on board
with his sister.
Oh. Oh, you mean the pet.
Now, if I were miss Tracy,
how would I get out of here?
Ah.
The white zone is
for immediate loading
And unloading of
passengers only.
No parking. Violators
will be towed away.
What are we gonna
do? -Hide Duster.
Take off, driver!
This cab is taken.
Of course, it's
taken. We're taking it.
I'm afraid we've lost
them, Mr. Osborne.
I'm afraid we haven't.
Peter, follow that cab.
I wonder what they're up to.
Where do you think you kids
are goin'? -We're running away.
Running away, huh?
Yes, just like you are.
Just a minute there, young lady.
Who says we're running away?
Betcha they would.
They'd be pretty interested in
these burglar tools. -Burglar tools!
I believe this is what is
known as a Jimmy. -Give me that.
This is a pick for
locks. -Put that away.
Boy, a couple of real
crooks. What'd you get?
So far, just a couple of
kids. -And a skunk. A skunk!
It's just a pet.
Well, you and your pet better
get yourselves another ride.
Okay.
Driver, would you please turn
around and stop that police car?
Just keep going ahead, driver.
Sergeant turner?
What happened? -They were after
the safe in the treasurer's office.
Cleaning lady said they had it
open, but it wasn't blown or forced.
Just a little adhesive
tape stuck to the door.
Adhesive tape. About this
far from the dial? -Yes, sir.
Recognize the MO, sir? -A guy
I've been tryin' to nail for years.
- How much did he get?
- Apparently nothing.
- That's my man. He never did.
- I had a case like that...
In my socio-psychology
course at the academy.
Oh, Longnecker... -It's the
sadomasochistic personality at work.
Longnecker. -This man is part
of the compulsive loser syndrome.
Longnecker, this guy was not
a loser. He was just unlucky.
Until he disappeared five
years ago, he was the best.
And if he's back in business, we'd
better get lucky before he does.
You can drop us
right, uh, here.
Well, kids, this is
where we say good-bye.
- Is this your hideout?
- Will you please...
- Pay the driver, Bert.
- Oh, sure, Duke. Oh, Duke.
You haven't got any loose
change on ya, have ya?
You didn't bring
any money with you?
Well, we had the car
when we left home.
I thought we'd be loaded
now. -How are we gonna pay?
Keep the change, driver.
- Why aren't you in that cab?
- We can use a hideout too.
No, no. No Chance. No.
If you're runnin' away that means
somebody's gonna come lookin' for you.
We've got enough troubles.
Get out of here. Scat.
Scat. -Okay. Okay.
- Come on, Jay.
- Where we goin'?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's
a park that we can sleep in.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
It's just my asthma. -Asthma?
You know I always get it when it's
cold and damp and late at night,
And I have to sleep outdoors.
But I'll be all right.
Let's get some of these
newspapers out of the trash can.
What for?
To stuff inside of our
clothing, so we don't freeze.
Just... One... Night.
Shall I retrieve them, sir?
There might be one alternative.
On the other hand, would you say
the children are in imminent danger?
No, sir.
And might not a look on
the seamier side of life
Help them to show more
respect for the finer things?
Oh, I believe it would, sir.
If we leave Peter behind
to keep an eye on them,
Might this be the tonic to
straighten those children up,
Make them into better citizens?
Indeed, it might, sir.
That's very astute
of you, Jameson.
You can expect a bonus
along with your raise.
I got the keys.
Five grand, Duke. Where
we gonna get five grand?
We'll get it. We'll get
it. Now just don't panic.
Yeah, right.
Gotcha. Don't panic.
After all, we're just small
potatoes to a guy like big Joe.
He deals with millions.
He probably forgot
all about us.
Then again, he
probably remembered.
Would you believe the
door was open, Duke?
We knew that you would want us
to make ourselves comfortable.
Oh, sure, make yourselves
comfortable. You already have.
Freddie.
Hello, kids.
Hello, "puddy cat."
I didn't know you were
a family man, Duke.
Oh, yes, yes, of course,
yes. This is my niece.
And, um... My niece and
nephew from, uh, buffalo.
Buffalo. -Buffalo!
That's near Syracuse.
Bert, why don't you see if we can
get some pajamas for the kids...
And tuck 'em in to their little
beddy-by. -Oh, sure, sure.
Psst.
Grapevine tells me that, uh,
You were at the
airport tonight, Duke.
Yeah, but it's my
usual luck, Joe.
See? Nothing. Nothing.
Oh, that's too bad.
The computer's gonna be
very unhappy to hear that.
Computer?
Yeah, that note
is... Way overdue.
And it's a sizable amount.
Well, it was $5,000
the last time I looked.
You haven't looked
in a long time, Duke.
And you know those computers.
Clickety-click, clickety-click.
Interest, carryin' charges. Interest
on carryin' charges. Clickety-click.
Well, just how much has
it clickety-clicked up to?
Nine big ones.
N-nine... Nine
thousand dollars?
Every minute we spend talkin',
it's clickety-click clickety-click.
Isn't there some way we
could get an extension?
An extension? -An extension.
I mean, the garage can make it.
We were just
starting to roll...
When they tore up the streets
out here and blocked it off.
Started to build high
rises on each side of us.
Isn't it a shame? Isn't
it a shame, Freddie?
It's a shame, but I can't
tell that to the computer.
Me, I'm a pushover,
but the computer...
If people don't pay their debts,
that computer goes to pieces.
Stick around, shadow.
Come here. I think you might
be interested in this too.
Me? No, I'm just
the wheel man.
I just do the driving. I'm
not even very good at that.
Duke just keeps me around
because I'm his ex-brother-in-law.
See, I was married
to his sister Irene.
We never got along though.
I got along better with Duke.
Guess that's why
he keeps me around.
Guess that's why he let
you sign this note too.
You're buddies, huh? That
is your name, isn't it?
Bert Delaney?
Well, now, I'm not sure
if it's exactly that.
I'd have to check
my birth certificate.
That's in Hackensack,
new jersey.
I was born in Hackensack.
Whole family was.
Mom and the kids.
Bet you'd love to
see your mom again.
Oh, well, poor mom. You
see, she's up in, uh...
Oh. That... That's what
you meant, huh? Yeah, well.
72 hours, Duke.
And I hope you don't
disappoint the computer.
How do you suppose he did that with
just a little stub of the pencil?
I'm wonderin' how we're gonna
get $9,000 in the next 72 hours.
Did you hear what
big Joe said to Duke?
All I heard was
pencils cracking.
Boy, Duke and Bert
are in trouble.
Yeah. This is some
cheesy hideout.
Two guys can just walk in and
shove 'em around like that.
Boy, if this was my hideout,
I'd make a few changes.
They need more than
that. They need money.
- Even more money than we need.
- How're they gonna get it?
Well, I think I have an idea
of how we can all get it.
Duster. Duster.
Duster.
- What do you want, kid?
- It's Duster. I lost him.
Oh, yeah? I'm sorry.
I found him.
Thank you. -Mmm.
Bacon?
Uh-uh. That's
gotta be waffles.
And do I know waffles.
When I was married
to Irene, your sister,
She drove me bananas
with her waffles.
Morning. -What's this?
Breakfast. I hope you like
scrambled eggs and bacon.
Oh, it's better than
waffles and Irene.
- Some surprise, huh, Duke?
- Not to me, it isn't.
Now I said one night.
If you think this meal is gonna
buy you some extra time, young lady,
You're very much
mistaken. -Oh, no.
Breakfast is just
because I like to cook.
And I like to
eat. -And so do I.
Wait a minute. Wait
just one minute here.
We didn't have bacon and eggs in
the house. -You're quite right.
I bought them the second time
I went out. -The second time?
Well, the first time I went out
last night, the market wasn't open,
So I just mailed the
ransom note to grandfather.
You did what? -Ransom
note to grandfather?
For $100,000.
I told him to leave it under the
umbrella tree in Williams garden.
- You... Hold it. Hold it.
- Don't worry. He can spare it.
Yeah, he's got
millions and billions.
Hold it! -All we need is enough
for two tickets to Hong Kong.
You can have the
rest. -Just hold it!
The squeeze may be on, but
it's not enough to turn me...
From being a safecracker
into a kidnapper.
Never enough for that. -But you didn't
kidnap us. We kidnapped ourselves.
Oh, don't be
ridiculous. -Yeah.
Although come to
think of it, they did.
And you didn't send
the ransom note. We did.
She's got a point there too. -All
you've gotta do is pick up the money.
That sounds simple
enough. -Simple?
Have you lost your marbles? Do you
know what the rap is for kidnapping?
He's right, Tracy.
Do you know what the rap is
for not paying big Joe $9,000?
She's right, Duke.
I'd rather lose my marbles
than be a broken pencil.
Oh, you would.
Don't you believe
in fate? -Fate?
It was fate that put
us in that taxi cab
with you. -I thought
it was you, Tracy.
Maybe it was fate, Duke. I mean,
it'd be criminal to go against fate.
The money would help us
all. -Of course, it will.
Come on, Duke. Be a
good Guy and kidnap us.
- Good day, Jameson.
- Good day, sir.
Good day, sir Winston.
After your breakfast, sir,
shall I bring the car around
To pick up miss Tracy
and master James?
There, there, sir Winston.
You have a knack for ruining
a perfectly beautiful morning.
Sorry, sir. Will you have
sausages or bacon with your eggs?
Neither, thank you.
I've lost my appetite.
Yes, I quite
understand. -What's this?
Well, it arrived early this
morning, sir. Special delivery.
Osborne residence. Oh,
yes, Peter. Just a moment.
It's Peter, sir.
Morning, Peter. Hmm?
She went to the...
Went to the mailbox?
I can't imagine.
On the other hand, maybe I can.
I'll be right back to you, Peter.
Very, uh, interesting development
here. We have a ransom note.
Ransom note?
Yes. "Have children.
Leave $100,000. Briefcase.
"under umbrella tree,
Williams gardens, 4:00.
"we mean business."
$100,000. Good heavens, sir.
Shall I ring up the bank?
You miss the point.
Our little Tracy
concocted this nonsense.
She's conned these
poor benighted gentlemen
Into going along
with her idiot plan.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, excuse me, sir.
If I may, sir. What
is our next move?
Next move? Well, as the children
appear to be in no danger whatever,
I shall first finish
my breakfast. -Oh.
Then we will take additional supplies
to Peter for his prolonged vigil,
After which I will have
a nice round of golf.
Sounds delightful, sir. -Also, I'll
have bacon and sausage with my eggs.
Your appetite's
returned, sir. -Quite.
What time you got?
I just told you the
time five minutes ago.
Oh, right, yeah. It was five to 12:00
then, so that'd make it 12:00 now.
So in four hours,
we pick up the money.
Will you please either
drink that or put it down?
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, Duke.
Irene always used to make a cup of
hot chocolate to steady the nerves.
She never gave me any though.
They're here! It's the cops!
It's fire engines,
and they're passing by.
Yeah, right. I always
get that backwards.
See, back in jersey,
when you hear a...
It's usually a police car.
But if it's a...
It's probably an ambulance.
But a fire engine can go...
Or ding-ding-ding-ding,
ding-ding-ding.
Personally, I'd
rather hear the...
Because that...
ding-ding-ding-ding...
Boy, that'll drive you crazy.
I'm sorry, Duke. I guess
I'm just a little edgy.
You think we can pull this off?
Who knows?
Maybe. If you can
keep the kids hidden,
And, uh, quiet till 4:00.
Oh. That shouldn't
be too hard.
Where are they?
Well, the girl, Tracy,
she's in the bedroom.
And the boy? -Jay?
Jay!
Check on Jay, too, Duke.
He just walked by
outside the window.
Outside the window!
Jay Osborne, come back here!
Go get him. Go on. I'll
go downstairs. Go get him.
Duster, come back.
Here, Duster. Come on, Duster.
Jay. Now, Jay...
Duster, come back.
Jay, now you be careful.
You hear me, Jay?
Oh.
You masher! I'll teach
you to look in my window!
I'm sorry, lady. -Heel!
What are you doing
down here? Get up there!
Stop it! Will you stop that!
Be careful, Bert!
No!
Duster, you come down here.
What are you doing
up there, Jay?
Duster!
Duster. Duster.
How'd he get up there?
I don't know. Duster!
Here, Duster.
Duster!
Get back here!
Duster!
Duster, you get back here!
Where do you
think you're going?
I gotta go get
Duster. -Get back.
Come on, Duster.
Come on. Nice skunk.
Come on.
Duster, come here!
Well, go get him!
No! -No, Bert! No! Get back!
Hold on, Duster.
Get a... Get a canvas!
Anything! A gunny
sack! A potato bag!
Hold on, Duster. He's
comin' out to get ya.
Be careful. -What?
Get it in here! All
right, stretch it tight.
Get it out! Stretch it
tight! Stretch it tighter!
This way!
Ah! Ah, ah.
Now hold on!
Here! Grab my wrist.
Hang on!
Whoa! -Whoa!
Hey!
Oh, no! -Don't!
Get us down!
Are ya all right,
kid? -Yeah, thanks.
Holy smoke! A skunk!
Let's get outta here!
Duster! -Jay!
Duster, you come back here!
Where do you
think you're goin'?
I gotta get Duster
before he falls off.
You stay here and I'll...
I'll go out and get him.
Be careful, Duster!
Boy, Duster. You
can come back now.
We got Duster.
Ow!
Come on now, fella.
Come on. Slow and easy.
No, son. Come on back here.
Gimme your hand, tex,
rod. Now come on, fella.
Easy now. Don't look down.
Now come on. Come on.
Just another step.
Nothin' to be
afraid of. That's it.
Hold it, mister.
Hey, Mac, don't move.
- Bert, come back!
- Huh? What'd you say?
Get back!
Bert, don't step!
Don't what?
Bert, don't!
Bert! Bert?
How long did you
say it is until 4:00?
Oh, what a haul.
A hundred grand!
Plus a cowhide briefcase!
Doesn't feel like a
hundred grand to me.
Maybe he wrote us a check.
"having difficulty raising
the money. Will need more time.
"probably until after Easter
vacation. J.W. Osborne."
"having difficulty
raising the money.
"will need more time. Probably
until after Easter vacation."
That grandfather of yours
has got some sense of humor.
But I don't understand.
You don't understand?
Why, it's very simple.
Your grandfather isn't
taking us seriously.
Nobody's taking us seriously.
What do we do, Duke?
We get ourselves
out of this caper,
And we ship those kids back to
their grandfather, that's what we do.
Ship them back? You mean,
give up the money entirely?
Money? What money?
Don't you think he'll come up
with something to get 'em back?
Would you? So far, all we've
got out of this kidnapping
Is an I.O.U. And a
genuine leather briefcase.
Yeah, but what about big Joe?
If we don't come up
with what we owe him,
He's liable to go from
clickety-click to bangety-bang.
We'll just take one thing
at a time. Now first...
I don't care how much you pound
on that door. You can't come in.
Our grandfather will never
pay that ransom. Never, never!
Did you leave the TV on
upstairs? -That's no TV.
- Help? How can I?
- Give me that chair.
Hold on now, Jay!
You can do it!
I can't, Tracy. I can't.
They're pushing too hard.
What'd you say? There's so much
noise I can't even hear you.
Oh, no, there it goes. They
just broke down the door.
- Help, help!
- They're here now.
They're coming in.
Tell grandfather...
Tell him to pray for us.
Just who were you talking to?
The police. -The police!
Now they'll take you seriously.
Might as well write
that second ransom note.
Police'll be lookin'
for you anyway.
The police?
I'm beginnin' to feel more like
the kidnappee than the kidnapper.
I don't feel like
either one of them.
Because there isn't going
to be a second ransom note.
The police, already?
That can't be the police.
They only move that fast
to tow away parked cars.
Well, go on. Open the door.
Who is it?
It's for you, Duke.
For me?
Just happened to be in
the neighborhood, Duke.
Thought I'd come by and give you
a friendly reminder: 48 hours.
Hi, Joe. Big Joe.
48 hours, Duke.
The computer doesn't
like to be kept waiting.
Does it, Freddie?
No, it doesn't.
Hello, kid. How's
the puddy cat?
Joe, we're workin'
on the money.
I hope so. We wouldn't
want the computer
to blow a fuse,
would we, Freddie?
No, we wouldn't.
Buffalo, eh? -What?
Duke tells me
you're from buffalo.
Oh, yes.
You happen to know
a cousin of mine
By the name of
Frankie Longtooth?
No, I don't think
so. -That's funny.
Frankie Longtooth is a very
prominent citizen in buffalo.
Look, Joe, you've
got my word for it.
You'll get your
money, all $9,000.
- Eleven thousand?
- Clickety-click.
48 hours, Duke.
I think we'd better make
that 47 hours and 55 minutes.
Clickety-click.
Sh... -What are
we gonna do, Duke?
I'll tell ya what we're
gonna do. We're gonna...
Write that second ransom note,
That's what we're gonna do.
Harry, you guys
are supposed to be
The best crime
lab in the state.
Sergeant turner?
I know it's a tape Mark.
What about it? What kind?
Sergeant turner?
Shh. All right.
Stay on it, will ya?
Sergeant turner.
I have waited five long
years for that guy to surface.
It isn't often a man gets
a second Chance like this.
I tell you there is no way
he's gonna escape me this time.
There may be one way. -How?
We're off the case. -Off?
Off. -Off.
- I got a kidnapping for you.
- What about the safecracker?
The children of JW Osborne.
I want you two there.
But my... -Immediately.
You're expected.
Here's the address.
Go. -Yes, sir.
And Max, this is no phantom
safecracker you're playing with.
These are dangerous men,
so proceed cautiously.
And Max, be tactful.
You're going to have a nervous,
worried grandfather on your hands.
Mr. Osborne, the police are
here about Tracy and Jay.
There, sir Winston. They haven't
found them already, have they?
No, sir. -Oh, thank goodness.
Once the strong arm of
the law starts muscling
us around, it'll be
"do this, do that."
They'll have us paying that ransom,
and you know what that means.
I do, sir.
Well, it was a splendid little
vacation while it lasted.
Send them in.
This way, sergeant.
Mr. Osborne, sergeant turner
here. Detective Longnecker.
Gentlemen. -This
is a nasty business.
We know what you're
going through,
But we do have a way of
handling these things.
Now, I know you're
gonna argue with me,
But what we want you to
do is absolutely nothing.
Nothing?
That's right. Ignore the note.
No contact. No
ransom. Nothing.
It's what we call our "projected
low-profile procedure."
Longnecker. -In our kidnapping
studies at the academy, we found...
We'll be in
touch, Mr. Osborne.
Meantime, try to relax, sir.
Rest assured, Mr. Osborne.
We're right on top of it.
Jameson.
Now that the police are "right
on top of it", to coin a phrase...
We wouldn't want to interfere
in their little investigation.
It would be positively
insulting to tell
them where the children
are, wouldn't it?
Oh, most definitely, sir.
You've just earned
yourself another bonus.
- What are you doing?
- Opening your safe.
You're what?
Just one more tumbler to go.
Oh, I figured out what everything
was for. It's rather easy.
But you...
Sure. Safecrackin's a cinch.
Are you going to
mail the ransom note?
You just go on
playin' with the safe
And stay out of trouble.
Duke! -Are you finished
pasting up the note?
A-a-almost.
Duke, we're on TV.
Please, please, please.
One question at a time.
With just a phone
call to go on,
How do you expect
to crack the case?
We've only been on the case a
few hours. Easy there, fella.
We'll have to wait and
see what tomorrow brings.
Haven't you made that "tomorrow"
speech a few other times, sergeant?
Turner!
...Like with the phantom
safecracker a few years ago?
You got a good memory, Sandy.
Duke, is that the Guy you've been
givin' the slip to all these years?
Yeah. I've never
seen him before.
Good thing TV isn't two-way.
He'd be lookin' right at ya.
Eventually I will
catch that safecracker,
But at the moment, there are
two kids and $100,000 at stake.
75. I reduced it
from 100,000 to 75.
Sort of like a
clearance sale, huh?
Anything to unload those kids.
If turner's on this, we gotta
move fast. Where's that note?
You're kinda wearin' it.
What?
Where's the envelope?
I didn't finish the note
yet. I didn't put the date on.
It's fine. It's just fine.
I'll be back in about an hour.
An hour, just to
mail a ransom note?
I don't wanna mail it
in the neighborhood.
Can I go with ya?
'course not. With the police
lookin' all over for those kids,
Somebody's gotta watch 'em.
Why do I always get
the dangerous part?
What can be dangerous about
taking care of a couple of kids?
Hey, is this real dynamite?
Give me that and
don't throw... Ah!
Well, is it?
You stay out of our
supplies. You hear me?
Well, Duster and I have
nothing to do. We're bored.
When your sister's
through playin' in there,
Why don't you go on in and try
opening up my safe with my tools?
No, thanks. I'd
rather use dynamite.
Duke, can I please
mail the ransom note?
No. You stay here
and keep 'em busy.
Well? -Well, what?
He said you were
to keep me busy.
I'll tell ya what. I'll give ya
your choice: Old maid or go fish.
I hate cards. -What then?
I got it. Judo.
I don't know anything
about judo. -Well, I do.
Duster, you sit right
there and watch this.
Come on, Jay, that
wouldn't be fair.
A man like me against
a fella like you...
C'mon, two falls outta three.
Grab my wrist.
Ha-rah!
You're right. You don't
know anything about judo.
I have a feeling
I'm gonna learn.
Well, the note's in the mail.
Hi, Duke.
Don't tell me.
Charades, right?
- You're a pretzel.
- My first judo lesson.
Judo? Oh, Bert.
Duke, you wouldn't wanna send
another ransom note, would ya?
And lower it to $50,000. Before Jay
comes back with lesson number two.
Back? Back from where?
He went out to
get some liniment.
How long's he been gone?
Can you see my watch?
You mean you let
those kids outta here
When we're this close to getting
that computer off of our back?
I'm looking for a Mr.
Duke and a Mr. Bert.
We have the children
down at the station.
I'm going to have to ask you
gentlemen to come with me.
Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid
you're in a little trouble.
But, sergeant, if I
could just explain.
You've been ID'ed by the kids.
It was the girl's
fault. It was her idea.
That's right. -We didn't
want any part of it.
No, we had...
It's too late now.
The law's the law.
Sure, the law's the law. An eye
for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
If you've got an animal,
you've gotta have a license.
But there's such
a thing as mercy...
And a right to stand before the
bar of Justice and say "animal"!
Animal? License?
Animal license?
That's what we're
here for, right?
Certainly. -Right!
Uncle Duke, uncle Bert, hi.
We lost Duster on the way
home, but then we found him.
Sure.
Well, I guess that
about wraps it up, right?
Not quite. $2.00
for the license.
$2. Oo. Yes, of
course, certainly.
I don't... I
haven't got... Oh.
There we go.
And a form to
fill out. -Form.
Mind if we take it
home and fill it out?
- Suit yourself.
- Thank you very much.
I'll check on that M.O.
Right now, sergeant turner.
On second thought, I think
I'll fill it out right here.
Okay, Benson. Turn 'em over.
I know you guys got fingerprints
off the safe at the airport.
I thought you were off
that case, you old bulldog.
I'll be off it when I see
that safecracker behind bars.
- Excuse me.
- Perfectly all right.
Anything break
on the kidnapping?
Not yet. We don't
have any pictures.
All we know is
a couple of kids.
Girl about her age,
boy about his age.
Probably in the hands
of a couple of hoodlums.
Isn't that terrible,
uncle Duke and uncle Bert?
Two kids our age, in the
hands of a couple of hoodlums.
Yeah, it's terrible.
Here are the prints.
They're smudgy.
They'll do.
Believe me, Benson.
Those kidnappers
and that safecracker
Aren't slipping through
my fingers this time.
- Excuse me.
- Perfectly all right.
Thank you, sergeant.
Come on, uncle Bert.
Jay, you gonna be
out of there soon?
In just a minute.
I'm brushing Duster's teeth.
Brushing a skunk's teeth.
Hey, whose
toothbrush you using?
Never mind, never mind.
I don't wanna know.
Well?
Well, the third ransom
note is on its way.
The rest is up to grandpa.
After a day like today, I sure
am glad we lowered it to 50 g's.
After a day like today,
I lowered it to 30.
You know, though, they're not
really bad kids to have around.
If you've got
hospitalization. -Yeah, right.
What are you doing?
Do you realize anybody could walk
in here... The police, big Joe.
The security here is lousy.
What would you suggest? A nest
of rattlesnakes at the front door?
Not a bad idea. I'll
put that on my list.
List? What list? What is this?
I got a bunch of things here that
could make this place foolproof.
If you take a rope...
I thought I told
you to take a bath.
I was too busy thinking.
And you take it...
Well, we are taking you to
your grandfather's clean.
But we're going to Hong Kong.
I've got dinner.
Or do I? My nose tells
me this is better.
Mmm, that smells
terrific. What is it?
Chili relleno.
Maria's special recipe.
Maria. That your mother?
Uh-uh. Our maid.
She's Mexican.
Mexican, huh?
What are these funny-looking
little hamburgers here?
Swedish meatballs. -Swedish?
That Maria
certainly got around.
- They were Hildas recipe.
- Hilda. That's another maid?
Uh-huh.
Sounds like you spend an
awful lot of time with maids.
Mother's the head
of a magazine.
Oh, well, I see.
I didn't know that.
And that keeps her very busy.
Yeah, su-sure, sure.
I can understand that.
Hope you like your
baked apples cinnamon.
Baked apples with
cinnamon? Mmm.
They're my favorite.
I know. Bert told me.
Oh, he did, did he?
I've been doing a
little research myself,
And Jay tells me that you
are a perfect size eight.
Is that right?
For me? -Mm.
I love it.
And green's my favorite color.
Did Jay tell you that too?
No. Just a guess.
Well, that was a pretty
lucky guess, I guess.
Is it too late to
lower that to 25,000?
I'll tell Mr.
Osborne you're here.
He's just finishing breakfast.
- Slept late, you see.
- It's almost noon.
Grandchildren in the
hands of kidnappers,
The old man sleeps till
noon. He's a strange one.
Strange?
A distraught grandfather
pacing the floor half the night,
Finally falling, exhausted,
into a fitful slumber at dawn.
He has to sleep until
noon. -Longnecker.
The courage of the man.
Just you wait, sergeant.
I'll bet the old guy comes
in smiling and cheerful,
Covering up, like there's
nothing on his mind.
Well, well, and top of
the morning to both of you.
What brings you
two around so early?
- The ransom note.
- The ransom note?
I gave it to you
yesterday. -The new one.
Your man called us about
it over an hour ago.
Oh, forgive me. I've had so
many lately, I get muddled.
We're losing over 20,000
cells a day, you know.
What does it say?
We'll find out when we
get it open, won't we?
If I was a betting man, I
wouldn't mind risking a ten-spot
They've come down
to, um, 35,000 by now.
Uh-oh, missed it by
five. They're down to 30.
I must say, your "do nothing"
plan is working beautifully.
Uh, mind if I take
that note, Mr. Osborne?
By all means. Anything I can
to help. Keep up the good work.
I want you to know, sir,
you have an admirer here.
Longnecker.
Fore.
"4:00, wharf 33, san
Pedro. Be there in person."
Sir, I've been giving
this case a lot of thought,
And I have a theory, if I may.
I had a course in the law of
probability at the academy.
Fact: The kidnapper and the
safecracker were at the airport
On the very same
night at the same hour.
Fact: They both disappeared
at precisely the same instant.
Fact: Neither one of them
has been seen to this moment.
Query: Could the safecracker and the
kidnapper be one and the same person?
Longnecker, a safecracker
is a safecracker,
And a kidnapper is a kidnapper,
And I wish I could say a
policeman was a policeman.
Am I confusing you?
I thought it would be some useful
information in solving the case.
I have some useful information.
Our "do nothing" plan is about
to become a "do something" plan.
Move! -Oh, yeah.
Do you have the keys, sir?
Uh-huh,
uh-huh.
Well, what time does the
6:30 flight get to Honolulu?
And then when would
we get to Hong Kong?
I'd like to make a
reservation for two,
Nancy Adams and
her brother, John.
I thought we were going.
Shh! We can't give out our real
name with people looking for us.
We'll pay for the tickets
when we get there, in cash.
Well, it's all
set. -So's this.
What are you doing up there?
Just working on a couple
of inventions to protect us.
Protect us?
If anybody gets in,
they'll never get out.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, Duke! Everything's set.
Got us some great wheels. Bo Beasley
brought his car in for repairs.
Okay, let's... -I called
the airlines, Duke.
If you come back with the money by
5:00, we can make the 6:30 flight.
Yeah.
If we don't get moving, nobody's
going to be going anywhere. Come on.
Could that possibly
be you, big Joe?
t's him.
Computer just reminded me,
Duke. Two and a half hours.
We'll have your $11,000...
You'll get your $13,000
by then, big Joe.
That's good, Duke.
Are you sure that you've never
heard of my cousin Frankie Longtooth?
No, sir.
Hmm. Maybe you would know
him by his legitimate name.
John Smith?
Huh, that's funny.
Very prominent in buffalo.
Seen your mother lately?
Oh, no. No. Mom's up in, uh...
'member, I told you?
I thought maybe you forgot.
I didn't forget. Me and
the computer never forget.
Uh-uh.
Oh, boy. One of these days...
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you kids remain
quiet and hidden,
And don't open that door
for anybody, you hear?
I told you. You have
nothing to worry about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.
- Oh, I gotta get my jacket.
I have the whole
apartment protected.
Oh, sure. Well, it's one thing
to know something about judo,
But if somebody goes
pushin' in that door...
Boy! It works great!
Between you and the pencil, that
grandfather of yours better be there.
Let's go.
Mr. Osborne, the
children's mother's here.
Carolyn, here?
Carolyn, my dear. How
did... -How did I find out?
I got a wire in Hong Kong from
the police. That's how I found out.
Have you heard
from Tracy and Jay?
Not exactly, but I
assure you, they're fine.
They're fine! In the hands
of kidnappers, they're fine.
Well, we have a rendezvous
with them in an hour.
Then what are we
standing around here for?
It's the police, Carolyn.
The police, it's their idea.
They've been handling the
case beautifully, haven't they?
They feel that if we
hand over the ransom,
It would be bad
for their plans.
Their plans!
I don't believe this.
It's fine to be cold and
calculating when you're the police,
But you're their grandfather!
How did they get kidnapped
in the first place?
- It happened rather suddenly...
- Where's that meeting place?
I'm going there. -Wait
a minute. Hold it...
I'll drive you there.
We need some money. Jameson, you
stay here in case the police call.
I'll wait in the
car. Please hurry.
I beg your pardon, but wouldn't
it be simpler to call Peter
And have him pick up the children
rather than pay the ransom?
If my daughter-in-law discovered I
knew the whereabouts of the children,
It would hardly cement our
budding relationship, would it?
You do have a point, sir.
Wouldn't you say it's
worth 10 or 15,000
to water that
flowering friendship?
I do indeed, sir.
Good thinking, Jameson.
You've just earned yourself...
Another bonus. Thank
you very much, sir.
The kids in Duke's apartment!
Buffalo!
And me and the computer had Bert
and Duke figured for two-bit hoods.
They got the caper
of the year goin'.
"it is rumored that the ransom
demand is almost $100,000..."
One hundred thousand
dollars. That's chicken feed.
They are two-bit hoods. Old
man Osbornes are worth millions.
Freddie, I think it's time
for the pros to take over.
Anything wrong,
sir? Can I help you?
No, thank you. We're
about to help ourselves.
Okay, that's fine. Now keep
it coming. Keep it coming.
'scuse me. What wharf is this?
Wharf 32. -Thank you.
Wharf 32.
- Next is, uh...
- Wharf 33.
Right, right. I'm sorry, Duke.
I guess I'm just
a little nervous.
I got the whole thing again. Sweaty
palms, butterflies in the stomach.
And we're nowhere
near the airport.
I bet you it isn't planes
at all. I'm a nervous wreck.
We don't know what
they're driving, Henderson.
Anything at all that
approaches, check in.
Right, sir. Don't worry.
I'm perched like an eagle.
Can't miss a thing
from up here. Out.
Oh, you're gonna love
this trap, sergeant.
I borrowed it from the old
spider-and-fly routine...
We learned at the acad...
uh, you know the place I mean.
Are you trying to tell me
this looks like J.W. Osborne?
Sir, you're the image.
- It's ridiculous.
- Oh, but, sir!
I can't see. I can't breathe.
And there's no room for my nose!
Sir, it's a work of art. Department
four was working on this all night.
Now, why don't you
just give it a Chance
to fit to the
contours of your face.
Huh. Huh. You're right.
It does feel better.
I still can't see.
But I seem to be able to breathe
easier. Ah, how's it look?
You sure I look like Osborne?
Exactly.
What are you doin'?
If this doesn't work, Longnecker,
I'm burning down the academy.
Charlie four to C.Q.
Charlie four to C.Q.
Uh, hello Charlie four.
Uh, hello. This is C.Q.
Henderson here. Suspicious
car now entering wharf area.
They have just passed dock 32
and are headed for your position.
Suspicious car headed
for our position.
I heard it.
Stay alert.
This must be them, sir.
There's a little
red car comin'.
There they are.
Have you got the
stocking masks?
No, but I got these.
I'm the clown, and
you're the big, bad wolf.
All right. You're the clown,
and I'm the big, bad wolf.
They're here,
sir. They're here.
Keep talking to me.
I can't see anything.
That, unless I'm
mistaken, is grandpa.
Longnecker, I can't
see out of this thing!
All right. Keep
your eyes peeled.
There are two fellas, sir. One
of them is getting out right now.
He's com... he's
coming towards you, sir.
They-they seem to
be wearing masks.
Yes, sir, it's masks of the
common Halloween variety, sir.
It's another limousine, sir.
Yipe. Sir, it's J.W. Osborne.
Afternoon, sergeant turner.
There's two grandfathers!
It's a trap!
Move!
Stop!
Longnecker, they're
getting away!
Uh, red alert! Red alert!
This is C.Q. To all
units. Red alert.
Look!
Carolyn!
What? What... who are you?
- I want to explain...
- Come on, sergeant.
- We'll get 'em.
- Get 'em, you dummy?
You haven't even got me.
Hold this.
That's not mine.
We're taking your car.
Longnecker, get in!
Call the C.P. And start plan
A.X., priority four west.
Seal the grids as outlined
and be sure... - get in!
Yes, sir.
- Something I must explain...
- t's a police matter.
Don't worry. We'll get him.
That's what I'm afraid of.
- What are you doing here?
- You've got my kids.
- That's what I'm doing here.
- Your kids? You're in Hong Kong.
No, no, no. That's
her, all right.
She and the kids have both got a way
of climbing into other people's cars.
Where are my children? -Your
children are safe, go Osborne.
Which is more than I
can say for us right now.
If it's the money, you'll
get it. We'll pay the ransom.
Money? Well, that's
terrific. Except money
doesn't seem to be all
that important right now.
What do you mean? Are you
the kidnappers or aren't you?
Well, sort of.
Henderson, do you see
them? -I'm looking, sir.
There they are. -Where?
You've just passed 'em. -You
just passed 'em. Turn around.
Where'd they go?
I don't understand this.
You grab a couple of kids,
You terrify everybody, and
you're "sort of" kidnappers?
Well... - kidnappers have
responsibility too, you know.
Responsibility? -Yes, indeed.
You're talkin' about
responsibility? You?
What kind of a mother are you?
You ran all over the world.
I mean, you can't raise kids
by long distance, you know.
Or by schoolteachers, or a maid,
or by a grouchy grandfather.
Or by a Bert. Those kids
are a handful, you know.
There they are!
Duck!
Henderson. Come in, Henderson.
Uh, sergeant, did you
notice you lost your top?
Never mind my top! Did
you see the red car?
Uh, uh... they're turnin'
in at the fish dock, sir.
All cars, all
cars, anyone in the
vicinity, block north
end of fish docks.
Your kids want attention
and affection, and
they're gonna get it
from anybody they can.
That's right, even from a couple
of so-called, "sort of" kidnappers.
What would you know
about raising my children?
Mrs. Osborne, we have just spent
three straight days with your kids.
When was the last
time you did the same?
There they are! -Go!
Look out!
Notify all units.
All units. All units. Subjects
heading west to grid coordinate 54.
All units. All units.
Red car heading west.
Oh.
What?
Move!
Stop! Back up!
That way. They went that way.
No, look!
Move!
All units. All units. Does
anybody have them in sight?
Yes, sir. They're headed
right for my position.
They're coming down pier 27.
They're headed right towards me.
Get somebody to head them off!
Crane operator!
Crane operator!
When I say the words,
"drop me", drop me.
Drop me!
Not me! The bucket!
Start it! Start it!
Ah.
Aah!
Longnecker!
Get us outta here!
There they are!
Step on it!
Look out!
Hey!
Come on, sit up! Aaah!
Aah!
Thank you, Longnecker.
You're welcome, sir.
Keep writing.
"only these are
other kidnappers,
"and they want half
a million dollars...
"or our lives."
All right. Read
that back to me.
"dear grandpa, we are
being held by kidnappers.
"only these are
other kidnappers,
"and they want half a
million dollars or our lives."
Very good.
P.S. Please do
it, if you love us.
He'll never go for that.
We are in terrible danger.
All right. Sign it.
That's very good. All right,
come on, kids. Let's go.
This your hat?
Where's your pussycat?
Where we going?
Taking you to a quieter
place. -We can't.
We gotta wait
for Duke and Bert.
Forget Duke and Bert. Come on.
Ha-rah!
Whoa! Whoa!
- Come on, Jay.
- Duster! Duster!
Jay! -I can't find Duster.
Come on! Look out!
Get the girl!
Hey!
You just stay right
there. Don't you move.
Ow!
All right. Now where
you gonna go, huh?
Gotcha!
Wha...
What's going on?
Tracy! Tracy!
Freddie! -Big Joe!
Dummy.
The children are
still up there.
Never came out of the building.
They'll be with us by the time
my daughter-in-law gets home.
What are you doing?
Just setting up some more traps
in case big Joe has friends.
Brat!
Hey. -Is it them?
Yes, but it's the wrong them.
Grandfather! It's
the old double cross.
Duke and Bert? Never.
Something must have happened.
Yeah. Grandfather'll get us,
and we'll never get to mother.
Oh, yes, we will.
Don't worry. It's easy.
Just go ahead. Duster!
Well, Peter, I suppose
we'd best go in.
Perhaps the little
ones have changed, sir.
Yes, I have considered
that possibility.
Maybe I have been
a trifle too harsh.
After all, I've not
really given them a Chance.
Who knows? This may be
the beginning of a...
A whole new relationship.
Good heavens!
Mr. Osborne!
Peter, this is absurd.
Duster! Duster!
Come on, Jay. -We can't.
Not till I find Duster.
Never mind. I found him.
Come back. Hey. Egg
fooyoung waiting for you.
Hey, is that yours?
Totaled.
A whole police car...
Completely totaled.
Not completely, sir.
Completely.
Don't despair, sergeant.
I've picked up a lead.
- Longnecker, I...
- Over the car radio.
Somebody saw two kids come out
of a garage apartment window.
I have the address
right here. = Longnecker!
Can't you tell the difference
Between a genuine
clue and a crank call?
Yes. Class in the law of
probability at the academy...
Lecture 10 on
crank phone calls.
One phone call out of 25
may contain a useful clue.
Now, sir, the way
that I see it, we...
I'm going back to the station,
I'm going to change
into some dry clothes,
And then I'm going to
check on Mr. Osborne.
Then I'm going to try to forget...
mind you, try to forget...
That you and the
academy ever existed.
Yes, sir. I think you
have a point there.
- Get outta here!
- Hey, hey. They gone.
Kids are gone.
Pretty quick. -Gone?
But not quick enough. That skunk
empty out my whole restaurant.
Did you see which
way they went?
Yes, hitch ride on another cement
truck. -Well, let's go! Come on.
- How far are you going?
- Sepulveda boulevard, honey.
Does that help you?
It does if we can get a
bus there to Merlin oaks.
Merlin oaks? That's
where grandfather lives.
Mr. Osborne? -Yes?
My name is big Joe
Adamo. -How do you do.
How'd you do. Here, read this.
Don't be ridiculous, man.
I can't read upside down.
It says, "we want half a
million dollars", Mr. Osborne.
Strange. I don't seem to be
able to hear upside down, either.
- = Mr. Osborne? Longnecker, sir.
- Welcome aboard, Longnecker.
This... where is he?
This would-be kidnapper is
demanding half a million dollars.
A-ha!
You have the right
to remain silent!
If you give up that right,
Anything you say can and
will be used against you.
If can open one of Duke's
safes, I can open this one.
Hey, so can I.
Especially when
it's already open.
Get the flashlight.
Don't you move, Duster.
There's so much money, I
can't even count it all.
Let's not count it. Let's
take it. -We're not taking it.
We're borrowing it. And just
enough to get us to Hong Kong.
Come on.
He's gonna see us.
Worse than that.
He didn't see us.
Help! Help! We're
stuck in here!
Help! -Anybody
out there? Help!
- Good evening, go Osborne.
- Where are the children?
The children? -Tracy! Jay!
Didn't you get them? -No,
but we traced them here.
I'm afraid I haven't seen
them. Where's Mr. Osborne?
Help!
Maybe they're upstairs.
= I don't think so, madam.
They couldn't possibly have
got in without my seeing them.
The children!
Evening, Jameson.
Mr. Osborne in? -Oh,
I'm afraid not, sergeant.
- This is the children's mother.
- How do you do, go Osborne?
- I'm sergeant turner.
- How do you do, sergeant?
Um...
Haven't we met before? -Uh...
They've been helping me
look for Tracy and Jay.
I could've sworn I've
seen you somewhere...
Recently. -Recently?
Well, that's possible.
Yes, yes. Of course.
We're very good
friends with Mr...
Osborne. -Osborne.
We've been corresponding with
him for quite some time now.
Hey, help! Someone's in here.
Help, help! We're stuck.
We know that Tracy
and Jay hitched a ride
on a cement truck
and headed this way.
How did you know they
were your children?
W-well, uh, we were lucky
enough to get a clue.
I still think we
should look upstairs.
Good idea, and we'll go out and
retrace our steps along the road.
Right, right. Who knows?
The kids might be out
there trying to hitch
a ride, and we passed
them in the dark.
Wait.
I'll go with you.
Oh, don't you
worry, go Osborne.
I don't mean to boast, but if
anybody can pick up that scent...
That isn't exactly
the scent I meant.
A skunk!
Yes, and inside
the house, madam.
The children are here.
Come on.
- What's behind this wall?
- Mr. Osborne's safe.
Can you open it? -Well,
I can open the panel.
Me? -Uh, yes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's big enough.
- There's somebody out there!
- It's probably grandfather.
So? Who cares? For the first time
in my life, I'd be glad to see him.
We're in here. Help. -Help.
It's them. They're
in there. -Tracy!
Jay!
Tracy! Jay!
I don't think they can hear you
in there. -How do we get them out?
Mr. Osborne's the only
who knows the combination.
How long will the
air last in here?
Well, it looks to be
about, uh, 72 inches high...
By, uh, say roughly
48 inches wide.
These safes are usually
30, 36 inches deep.
Uh, you seem to know quite a bit about
safes. -It's just a guess, sergeant.
The air. How
long will it last?
I'd say 20 minutes. Probably
less. Certainly no more.
Someone has got to
find Mr. Osborne,
Get the combination to
that safe, and quickly.
Haven't you heard
from him at all?
No, madam. He's probably
hung up somewhere.
I'll have headquarters put
out an all-points bulletin.
- Where's the phone?
- Here, sergeant.
Thank you.
Put out an all-points
bulletin on a J.W. Osborne.
It's a Harkness.
It's old, but they're still tough
to open, even with the tools.
For the best, I'll give
you seven-to-five...
You can crack it well
inside of 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes,
followed by 20 years.
Do you think they'll
find him? -They'll try.
What do we do now? Just wait?
Can't use the explosive, boys.
Not with those children
in there. It's too risky.
Then how are we
going to get them out?
Only one man I know
could open that safe,
But I've never been able
to lay my hands on him.
What, are we helpless?
My children are in there.
All right. Give me
a Chance to think.
I know something about safes.
I used to work
for a safe company.
Maybe I can take a
crack at opening that,
if it's all right
with you, sergeant.
Boy, it sure is hot in here.
What's taking
grandfather so long?
I don't know, Jay.
But think positively.
I'll, uh... I'll
open a window.
I'll do it, sergeant.
I can't hear it.
There's too much oil.
Here's something interesting.
It's like a doctor's
bag or something.
Maybe there's something in here
that's useful in opening a safe.
Yeah, maybe there is, sergeant.
Boy, there isn't
much air in here.
I'm getting static.
We'll give it a try, anyway.
I'm awful tired.
Try to stay awake, Jay.
That's the first one.
I can hardly breathe.
If grandfather ever
gets us out of here,
I'm gonna be a
lot nicer to him.
Okay, that's the second one.
You're gonna make it, Duke.
Not with this one.
It just shorted out completely.
Can it be fixed?
There's no time.
Now, be quiet. Don't breathe.
Don't even move a muscle.
I'm sorry.
I think I've got
it, but I'm not sure.
Duke!
- You did it!
- Yea!
Mom!
Oh, darling. -Mom!
What are you doing here?
I should have been
here all the time.
We really missed you, mom.
Boy, this is the best
vacation I've ever had.
Duster!
Duster. Duster did it.
Duster saved our lives.
Yes. Well, good for Duster.
You know, mom, he's the
neatest pet I've ever had.
Come on, Duster.
Sergeant.
Yeah.
I wanna compliment
you on your skill.
I said there was only one man I could
think of who could open that safe.
Yep. -Apparently I was wrong.
There are two.
Anyway, I understand the
other gentleman is retired.
Oh, yes, as a matter of fact.
If it's the same
man I'm thinking of,
He has retired. Permanently.
No, Dave, listen, I assure you,
My decision is final.
As soon as the kids are out of
school, we're all moving out here.
I sure wish I had the
grass-cutting concession here.
You know, maybe I'll
take up gardening.
Out in the fresh air, close to
the soil. It's good for the nerves.
Yeah.
It's terrific for
your hay fever too.
As soon as grandfather gives you
your loan, you'll have a new garage.
Yeah, well, uh, Tracy, I
been thinking about that,
I'd feel kinda funny about asking
your grandfather for a loan.
You don't have
to. I already have.
You did? -A-and
he okayed it?
Why not? Jay and I are getting
along great with him these days.
Uh-oh.
Well, there goes the garage.
Oh, boy.
- Well, you blew it again, Jay.
- I didn't blow it. He did.
Oh, good heavens.
I was certain I had
the perfect trajectory.
You, sir?
Don't panic. It's just one
more crystal chandelier.
I told Duke and Bert you said
"okay" about the loan, grandfather.
Yes. Right, fine. Let's see, what
is the next thing on the agenda?
Ah, judo. -Uh, Mr. Osborne.
I can't tell you how much
we appreciate that loan.
But it has got to be on a
strictly nonpersonal basis.
I do agree. It should be a note.
Legally correct, duly signed.
So there can be no
misunderstanding. -Absolutely.
What should that
rate of interest be?
Uh, you don't happen to have
any relatives in buffalo, do you?
Not that I can recall, no.
You two gentlemen
drop by the bank in the
morning and we'll wrap
the whole thing up.
- Come along, Jay. Judo time.
- I-I'll be careful, grandpa.
I hope Jay doesn't
get carried away.
I hope your grandfather
doesn't get carried away.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I think I'm gonna like
The idea of this family
of yours living out here.
So am I.
t'll be very convenient.
For instance,
If somebody wanted to take
somebody else to the movies,
Then Bert could stay
here and baby-sit us.
Ha-rah!
I think Jay won another match.
I'll get Dr. Butterworth
on the telephone.
There we are.
Jay!
Oh. Oh, boy.
You should've seen it, Tracy.
One second I had
grandfather in a wristlock,
And the next second I was in the
pond. -It's all in the balance.
I didn't hurt you, I
trust? -Of course not.
You know, I used to be a judo
champion in the armed service.
- A real champion?
- A real champion.
Boy, I think you're
super, grandpa.
Jameson, do you hear
that? Jay thinks I'm super.
- I think you're super too.
- Oh, thank you, darling.
Know something? I
think from now on,
we three are going to have
a lot of fun together.
I think so too. -Me too.
What did you do after I
had you in that wristlock?
Come down to the mat,
and I'll show you.
I'm bigger than you, so use
my weight to help yourself.
Now, hold my wrist
there. The other hand.
Now, bend your
knees. One, two...
No, wait a minute. One,
two. Now, you stand there.
Imagine that I go, "whoo."
now we're even.
...the end...