Odd Couple II, The (1998) Movie Script

My God.
The old cockahs in the stands are better
than the young cockahs on the field.
- He just missed someone in the crowd!
- Crowd? We could all go home in one car.
Maybe he should lay down a bunt.
This guy couldn't lay down a carpet.
Now he's over swinging.
Don't complain.
At least he's cooling off the place.
I envy you covering the Mets.
I bet you miss New York.
What was I gonna do?
They sold the paper to an Australian.
Lucky it wasn't to the Japanese.
I couldn't read the batting averages.
- Oscar!
- Hiya, Peaches.
I'm having a dinner party Friday night.
We're short one man.
How about Abe here?
He's a short man.
You can run, Oscar,
but you can't hide. See you.
That's such an original expression.
I hate women who talk like Muhammad Ali.
- Conchita!
- Tough loss today?
I'm suicidal. If I call 911 tonight,
any chance of mouth to mouth?
Yeah, beso loco.
Don't you look at a good ass anymore?
I'm not allowed to look at pastrami,
why should I look at an ass?
- Are you coming to the game tonight?
- I'll be late.
I have to pay my respects.
A friend in my building died.
- What did he die of?
- He got hit by lightning on a golf course.
He should have been using his woods.
Find out what his rent was.
I'm always looking for cheaper.
See you at the game.
I used to make that shot.
My wife and I are fed up with this!
I'm filing a complaint.
- Are you gonna clean this up?
- Absolutely.
Whatever the cats don't finish
I'll clean up later.
Where is Oscar?
Coming! I'm in!
Nobody bet. Hold the bets.
I got a raise coming.
- How are we doing, girls?
- Everybody's in except Esther.
- Esther, you didn't make your straight?
- Who knows? I can't see the numbers.
Why can't we play with the big cards?
We tried that. Every time I shuffled
Abe's toupee blew off.
Not any more.
This is the kind you can swim in.
If you swim with that rug,
they'll think you're building a dam.
Who gets the lemon loaf cake,
no cholesterol, no fat, no taste?
- That's mine.
- One chemical sponge cake for Millie.
- Thanks, darling.
- You're welcome.
Wanda, you vixen, you know how
that perfume drives me crazy!
You really like it?
- Yes, and I see I got you beat!
- He always does that to me!
Don't worry. I lost so many brain cells
today, I forgot what I just saw.
Just like my third husband,
he should rest in peace.
How do you know he's dead?
Maybe he's just bluffing.
Who wants nachos
with cottage cheese chilli?
- That's mine.
- One Jenny Craig Mexican style
type of casserole dinner
for senorita Abromowitz.
And we have a cherry soda for Abe.
- Where's Abe?
- Here.
Sit on a magazine.
I can't see you.
This isn't cherry, it's lemon.
Now it's cherry.
- Whose bet is it?
- Millie raised a quarter, so it's 33 cents.
You need nerves of steel for this game.
I'm in. Let me get that.
We never finish the game.
All right, I'm coming!
Whoever it is, I'll pay on Thursday.
- You sound good, Pop.
- Brucey! How are you?
Hold it down!
It's my son from California.
My sister lost three pairs of dentures
in the earthquakes.
- How did she eat?
- She sent out.
- Are you still an actor?
- Yeah.
- I got a call from CBS, I might get a pilot.
- That's terrific!
- My kid may get a pilot.
- He got his own plane?
A pilot is a television show
that doesn't get on television.
That's not why I'm calling. I've got
big news, I'm getting married this week.
- Married? Why?
- Because I love her, that's why.
You didn't say it was a girl.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
My kid is getting married.
There goes my Rachel's last chance.
It's this Sunday afternoon.
Think you can come?
Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away.
Where is it?
- At her mother's house in San Malina.
- What was the name again?
San Malina. It's about two hours
north of L.A. We'll send you the address.
If I'm not being too nosey,
who the hell are you marrying?
She's an actress. She's beautiful.
She's so talented and very smart.
- And she loves your son.
- I love her already. So who is she?
- Hold on to your hat, Pop.
- I need a hat to hold on to?
She's not one of those six foot ten
basketball players, is she?
- As long as she's thin.
- I can't hear you.
Whose daughter?
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, I wonder if I might change
my seat into the non-smoking section?
The entire plane is non-smoking.
There's no one smoking on this aircraft.
Possibly the attendants who clean
the planes at the airport
were smoking in here.
I'm very sensitive to that.
I'm sorry, but the entire plane is full.
It's not just the smoke.
The woman next to me is wearing
a perfume that I have an allergy to.
- I've already moved you once.
- That was because of hair spray.
I know that I sound crazy,
but I just happen to be one of those
hyper-allergenic cases. Can't you try?
You mean sniff every woman until you find
a perfume you're not allergic to?
I didn't complain about the food.
I didn't eat it, but I didn't complain.
You asked for the Hawaiian mahi mahi
and I told you that we only serve it
on the west to east flights.
I thought there might be one piece
of mahi mahi making the return trip.
Forget it, I'll manage.
- I have some cough lozenges, if you like.
- Thank you, no.
I have an unusually small windpipe.
If it got stuck,
I could be dead in two minutes.
Are you having trouble breathing?
I'm nervous because my daughter is
getting married on Sunday in California.
In San...
- Well, I've got a friend picking me up.
- How nice.
Are you all right? Your face
is turning blue. Do you need oxygen?
Yeah, but you never know
who's been using that before.
Excuse me.
I see my bag. Excuse me.
What happened here?
What do you call this?
This is mishandling of luggage!
It's a federal misdemeanour.
Did you see this?
Look out!
We haven't even said hello
and I've got a broken leg.
It's just a sprain. Hello, Felix.
- Let me know when you gonna hit a bump.
- OK, that was a bump.
Here we go, we're all set.
Maybe we could stop
and get a pair of crutches some place.
I'll keep my eye open
for a crutch store.
I'm sure there's a lot of them
on the freeway.
Hold on to me
and let's hop over to the car.
That's it.
Now you've got it.
Bend down and slide into the seat.
You know what I mean?
- Tell me when it hurts.
- That hurts.
I've got a good idea.
Don't tell me when it hurts,
it's gonna hurt anyway.
When I count to three, we'll do it all
in one big move. One, two, three!
- Oh, God!
- I like '"it hurts'" better.
Got you some ice from the machine.
It'll keep the swelling down.
I need something to put the ice in.
Put it in your sock!
What am I, an orthopaedic?
- Foot feeling any better?
- It's a piece of frozen meat.
Hang it out the window, it's warm out.
I'm starving.
I haven't eaten since last night.
- Didn't they serve on the plane?
- No, my fish was flying east.
Here's my complimentary nuts.
Go ahead.
If your teeth keep chattering,
you'll have peanut butter in three minutes.
Do you know
what the fat content of nuts is?
Not to mention the salt content.
I could have a heart attack at the wedding.
- I haven't seen you in eight, nine years.
- 17 years.
You couldn't even remember that we
haven't seen each other for 17 years?
I didn't dwell on it.
So your hair got whiter, your ears
got bigger, your nose got longer...
but you still retain that unique, elusive,
pain in the ass quality
that drives me berserk.
Well you have changed.
When I saw you at the airport,
I thought you'd died
and your mother came to tell me.
- I heard that line on the Seinfeld show.
- It's how fast I thought of it that counts.
Open the window.
I want to throw the water out.
It is open.
Sorry, they must have just cleaned it.
Feeling better now? What's the matter?
Did you sprain your tongue too?
I'm angry at myself.
I shouldn't have yelled at you.
We've always had bad chemistry.
We mix like oil and frozen yoghurt.
- But I'm glad to see you anyway.
- Me too, Oz.
- I was some kind of nut in those days.
- From pecan to pistachio.
I guess I still am.
I hate mess and I hate disorder.
I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me.
- It didn't work, right?
- No.
He was late.
I straightened up his office and left.
You better pull off the freeway.
I got to pee.
How are you doing, kid?
Are you the waiter?
What do you want?
- $5.
- Why should I give you $5?
Your friend said you would for telling
you he's locked in the bathroom.
Why did you tell him five bucks?
He would have done it for a quarter.
What freeway are
we supposed to be on?
- The 405.
- I think that sign back there said 101.
If you didn't have the brains
to pee back at the airport,
how do you know what the sign said?
Reading and peeing
are two different things.
At your age you're lucky
you can do either one.
Is your daughter like you? She's not going
to clean up after the reception, is she?
My daughter is wonderful,
and your son is damn lucky to get her.
- Let me tell you something else.
- Don't. That's why I moved to Florida.
We keep this up,
I'll be living in Guatemala.
That's fine by me.
Are you retired now?
Me? Never! I'm doing part-time
charity work at the hospital.
- You mean bed pans and stuff like that?
- No.
I read to them. I read them stories,
write letters for them, tell them jokes.
It's good for me too, you know.
After my last wife...
You've probably heard about that.
Sorry to hear that.
I heard she went quickly.
Moved out while I was asleep.
Never even left a note.
Is that three divorces now?
Three divorces,
two broken engagements,
and five women who disappeared
on the first date.
Went to the ladies' room,
never came back.
You just had some bad luck
with your personality.
I haven't given up.
Somewhere out there,
I know there is a right woman for me.
- Should I stop the car and look?
- No, but pull over, I got to eat.
I have this low sugar condition,
I have to eat every four hours.
Why didn't you eat
when we stopped at El Pollo Loco?
Because it wasn't time to eat,
it was time to pee.
Make out a timetable,
when you're going to eat, pee,
fart, cry and sleep.
That's the last time I pull off the freeway.
I suppose you never have to pee?
I do it for half hour in the morning
and then I'm through for the day.
What have you got there?
What are you doing?
How do you know which ones to take?
Doesn't make any difference.
Whatever they fix, I've got.
- Don't you take them with water?
- With the local water?
Water from around here?
Don't you know how many pesticides
they have in the local water?
Lower your voice, people in here
don't know they'll be dead in a week.
Didn't you fix that yet?
Almost. Just one...
What the hell...? Open a window.
- How long was I asleep?
- I didn't know you wanted me to time it.
We're off the freeway.
Are we almost there?
- I don't think so.
- What do the directions say?
They are gone.
I threw them out of the window.
What the hell made you do
a stupid thing like that?
Well, I had them on my lap
so I could read them.
I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell
on my crotch, the map caught fire.
I had the choice of finding the house
or burning one of most
important parts of my body.
- Guess which I picked?
- So you just picked any exit and got off?
- I had to get off some place.
- This isn't some place, this is no place.
Pull over, I'll get the directions
out of my suitcase.
- Where is my suitcase?
- In the trunk.
- No.
- Did you look good?
The trunk is this big. It takes
a second and a half to look in there.
Your 1927 piece of cardboard
is there, but my suitcase isn't.
What are you talking about?
It's got to be there. Let me look.
I'm going to try to stay calm
while I say the next sentence.
If it isn't in there, where in the hell
is my goddamn suitcase?
This is a wild guess.
I'd say it's in front
of the Budget Rent A Car office.
- In Los Angeles?
- That's a good guess, too.
God Almighty.
We're going to go back and get it!
It took us two hours to get here.
It'll take five hours to go back,
cos I don't know how we got here.
Then we'd have to make three stops.
One for you to pee, get locked in the john,
pay a kid $5 to get out,
and then we'd have to stop for you to eat!
Do you understand what I'm talking about?
What did you have in there?
An ironing board, some spot remover?
I'll pay you.
In that suitcase
was my black formal afternoon suit
that I bought to wear to give
my daughter away in marriage.
And a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray,
which I bought as a wedding present.
And in that suitcase was
$10,000 in cash,
which I intended to give
to my son-in-law on his wedding day.
In your suitcase, the police will find
your broken, smashed,
mutilated and dissected body
in the event that you don't go back
and find my fucking suitcase!
Why don't we ask Budget to deliver it?
Deliver where?
You've crisscrossed California
more than the covered wagons
did 100 years ago!
And tell them to follow the burnt pieces
of directions on the freeway?
We drive to the first town we see
and then we'll call Budget.
That was my best leather suitcase.
How long is it gonna stand
on the sidewalk unclaimed?
Somebody will be eating pizza tonight
on my daughter's silver Tiffany tray.
Come on back in the car.
If it's still there, they will get it to you fast.
Federal Express, UPS, fax...
You're gonna fax my suitcase to me?
I can wear a picture of my wedding suit.
- Take it easy...
- And paper copies of $10,000!
Don't get physical with me!
I'm too old to hit, but I could spit you
to death! Get in the car.
I want to know one thing,
why, when you get around me
you behave like a goddamn
imbecilic, idiotic, moronic shithead?
Didn't you put the breaks on?
Why? I didn't know
you were gonna punch it.
We better call Budget
and have them fax us another car.
- I think I know where we are.
- Where?
- In a Clint Eastwood movie.
- '"The Good, the Bad and the Stupid'"?
You're not the only one
who lost everything in his suitcase.
What did you lose, an old Mets T-shirt
and a corned beef sandwich?
I lost the most important thing in my life.
My return ticket to Sarasota.
Instead of complaining,
why don't you look for a telephone?
What makes you think
there is a telephone out here?
This is probably where they test
those nuclear bombs.
They would have to call somebody
to find out if they went off.
I thought that was a snake.
They probably got poisonous spiders
here, too.
What will they live on?
You think they're waiting
for two schmucks like us?
I got to sit down. Let's rest.
- We need to have a plan. Agreed?
- Agreed.
- What should the plan be?
- I don't care, I agreed. I did my part.
We got to find a telephone
and call Hannah's mother.
Get her to send a car to pick us up.
- You know the number?
- No, it was in my suitcase.
- We could call the information.
- In what town?
San... My daughter said San...
Don't you remember?
No, I was playing poker.
I couldn't hear anything.
- San Marino?
- No, San Cantino?
Not San Cantino.
- San Sereno?
- No.
- San Bandino.
- San Patino.
San Farina. Where are you going,
for crying out loud?
We need a phone book.
How many towns can sound like that?
In California, all of them.
San Diego, San Jos, San Quentin...
- San Mateo.
- San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.
- San Jemima.
- San Jemima?
What do I know? Fernando Lamas.
Ricardo Montalban.
- Ricky Ricardo.
- San Pagaue.
- Where is that?
- Near San Piranho.
Los Pintos, Las Brisas,
Los Pecos. Sound familiar?
Yeah, they are hotels in Acapulco.
A car has to come from some direction.
You stand here,
I'm going to stand on the other side.
So we can catch all the heavy traffic
at five o'clock at Los Pecos.
You got a better idea, Los Idiot?
See anything yet?
For a minute I thought I saw
Omar Sharif on a camel.
Come back!
What was it? It just went by!
I hear something. Do you hear it?
With our luck
it's the killer bees from Brazil.
What the hell was that?
They purposely did it.
They hate New Yorkers.
Who's gonna pick us up now?
We look like a couple
of Pillsbury Doughboys.
Let's get out of the sun
before we start to rise.
What's so funny?
If we ever get there, we can be
the two figures on the wedding cake.
Hey amigos, where are you going?
- San Redondo.
- Where?
San Tamale. San Taco Bell.
We'll go any place.
- Well, hop in.
- Thank you very much.
- What are you doing out here with no car?
- It's a long story.
We're going to a wedding.
My daughter and his son.
- Then you must be good friends.
- The best.
We need to find a telephone.
Can you do that for us?
No problem. Gas station two miles
from here. I'll take you there.
- Gracias. We'll be glad to pay you for it.
- You are compadres, poor like me.
This is my wedding gift
for your children.
A wedding gift for our children.
It's more than I'm gonna give them.
- I hope nothing is wrong.
- I'd hate to break our lucky streak.
Bad news.
My cousin say mi mam, very sick.
I have to go to her very pronto.
It's back where we come from.
I go with them. They drive very fast.
You take my truck to gas station.
Leave it there. Rico, that's my name.
They know me there.
- Are you sure? We'll be very careful.
- I know, I trust you.
If you get hungry, eat peaches.
I did pretty good, comprende?
And this time, I'm gonna drive, amigo.
Which is what I should have done
in the first place, muchacho.
Why don't you use a handkerchief
so you don't get peach juice all over me?
You think we're pulling in to
the Pebble Beach Country Club?
Don't give up. We're almost home.
It's not gonna make it.
It's not in the cards.
We're riding a dead horse,
we're coming in for the funeral.
Stop being such a pessimist.
- I bet you we make this hill.
- How much?
Come on... Almost...
Yes! I knew it!
Never count me out
till the fat lady divorces me.
- What is that?
- Maybe they want some free peaches.
Stop the truck!
- Are they talking to us?
- That's a lot of cops to give one ticket.
Step out of the vehicle! Now!
Put your hands where we can see them.
I think there is some kind of mistake here.
We didn't steal the truck
and we didn't pick any peaches.
- On the ground, now!
- Cuff them.
Do you think this is about offering
that kid money in the bathroom?
You're under arrest for violation
of California lmmigration law 1407.
Transportation of illegal aliens.
You have the right to remain silent.
You two jokers, step forward.
What's so amusing now?
How are we going to tell
Hannah and Brucey
why we are 40 years late
for their wedding?
Stop worrying, we'll get out of this.
Not without a lawyer we won't.
Have you got a lawyer?
Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.
It takes him six hours to walk
to the telephone. The case will be over.
We'll just tell them the truth.
There's our guy!
How is your dying mama, compadre?
- Mucho better, gracias.
- I'll send her a crate of peaches.
- Are you going to tell them the truth?
- I told them the truth.
I said you picked me up,
gave me a ride
then I saw my friends, they took me
home and that's the truth, no?
He's got a better story then ours.
I think we're in trouble.
- Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar.
- Yeah, here we are.
- Let's go.
- I told you, didn't I?
If we go down, you go down with us!
Are you Dirty Harry?
You watch too much television.
Tell me one more time how the rented car
caught fire and exploded.
He called me a shithead
and punched the car.
- It went rolling down the hill.
- Why did you punch the car?
Because the shithead threw
the directions out the window
and left my suitcase
at the Rent A Car agency.
Why did you throw away the directions?
They caught fire from my cigar ashes
and were burning on my crotch!
First time he's hot down there for years.
I just wanted to remind you of how it felt.
OK, boys. Calm down.
You two don't
get along too well, do you?
There was a period of 17 years
that was wonderful.
Then we saw each other again.
- Who is getting married?
- My daughter and his son.
We all agree that if you two
can't find your way
to your own children's wedding,
there isn't a chance in hell
you could smuggle
20 illegal aliens across the border.
Besides we just got a confession
from the truck driver.
- You are free to go.
- We appreciate it, officer.
Wait a minute.
There's a matter of false arrest here.
I happen to have one of the finest
legal minds for an attorney in Florida.
- Let's go!
- You may hear from him.
We still don't know
how to get to the wedding.
There's a girl outside at the computer.
Give her the family's name.
She'll run it down.
Hello, Felix? We've been worried.
Unfortunately, we took a wrong turn.
- What was the name of the town?
- San Malina.
San Malina. That's right.
That's what I kept saying to Oscar.
- Where are you?
- In a little town called...
Santa Menendez. I don't know how far
it is from where you are.
- About five hours.
- Five hours?
If you know the way.
- Is there a hotel here?
- Down the street.
Felix! Our new underwear
has arrived. Catch!
Caught that like a major leaguer.
Look at these shorts.
I could be a waitress at a crap game.
If you wiggle your fanny right,
you can make double sixes.
Let's get a drink.
This doesn't look like our kind of crowd.
If anyone gets tough,
just show him your underwear.
- What will it be?
- A dry Martini on the rocks, please.
- How about you?
- A double scotch for me, please.
Beautiful weather, isn't it?
Just terrific, honey.
If you are thinking what I think
you're thinking, forget it!
- I'm not thinking, I'm talking.
- Don't.
This is my friend, Felix.
They call me Oscar.
Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar.
I'm Thelma.
You're not Louise, are you?
Like I haven't been asked that
about a million times. I'm Holly.
That's a very nice name,
especially around Christmas.
- He's cute.
- Are you staying here at the hotel?
- We're just passing through.
- So are we. Where are you headed?
- Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.
- Just lovers of the open road, eh?
We're saving our money.
We've got a van out back.
That couldn't be very comfortable
to sleep in, could it?
Oscar, If I didn't know better,
I'd say a nice old grandfather like you
was trying to hit on a couple of ladies.
I'm not as old as I look.
I had this plastic surgery done recently.
The quack doctor botched it up.
- Your friend doesn't say much.
- He's the doctor.
- Are you OK, doc?
- I put your mouth in the wrong place.
He's still upset
because they took his licence away.
We're closing the kitchen in half an hour
if you still want dinner.
Excuse me, we haven't eaten all day.
Where are your manners, Felix?
Perhaps the ladies would like to join us
before they retire to their van?
Yeah, sure. OK.
We'll meet you at the table.
After we've freshened up.
Are you crazy?
Two middle-aged bikers.
They're tougher than the guys in the jail.
And have you thought what we could get?
'"Lucky'" is the only word
that comes to mind.
I'm not gonna let you do this.
I know it's not gonna happen.
They wouldn't even come up to our room.
And it would take two years for you
and me to climb into their van.
And the last thing I want them
to see is our underwear.
What are you doing this for?
To be wanted. To get close
to it happening one more time.
The wick is almost out.
All I want is for the candle to glow
rather than curse the darkness.
It's not going out.
Not yours, not mine.
I still have hope that somewhere,
we'll find the right lamplighter.
We just used so many metaphors,
I forgot what the hell
we were talking about.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, sir.
- Are you gentlemen here for the seminar?
- What seminar?
'"Life - Does It really Have To End? '"
Dr John Boxer. I'm 84 myself.
Dr Boxer sees no reason why I shouldn't
be around to celebrate the year 2020.
Maybe longer.
The seminar ends tomorrow.
But I have to get back to San Malina
for my daughter's sixty-third birthday.
That's where we're going.
- Fancy that! You need a lift?
- They tell us it's a five hour drive.
Come with me. You'll be there
in less than two hours.
We leave at 6:00 am, on the dot.
- 6:00 am?
- That sounds great to me.
That's a little early for me.
You'll never live a long life
sleeping late.
I may have some business tonight
with friends from Lake Tahoe.
These creeps closed the bar already.
But don't worry, I stay open all night.
I like a quiet man.
Talking always slows things up.
Perhaps I was wrong.
6:00 am would be rather early
for men like you.
- Good night.
- Bye.
You go to Tahoe!
I'm going with him.
What are two wide awake girls going
to do with one hunky, funny guy?
Why don't we all write a suggestion
on a piece of paper?
I wish your cute boy scout friend would
come back. I'm just itching to dance.
I'll go get him. Don't scratch yet.
I'll see you at six o'clock in the morning.
Thanks again.
I'm coming with you, I promise. Do me
one favour, come inside and dance for me.
- Why would I want to dance for you?
- Cos I'm hunky, the other one is itchy.
Come in and dance and you can call
the shots the rest of the way.
You're a very smooth dancer.
What's your secret?
Leather soles.
Got anything closer?
I went to high school with a boy like you.
Who was he, the principle?
- What are you, divorced or single?
- Something like that.
You have very strong hands.
You work out?
No, but my door at home
gets stuck a lot.
- Having fun?
- Yes. But I think I'm stuck to your Velcro.
Someone wants to know
if there's a Thelma and Holly here.
- What does he sound like?
- Drunk and real mad.
- Got to go.
- Now? We just met.
I know, but we'll always
have Santa Menendez.
You've never met me, you never saw me,
you never danced with me.
Are you satisfied?
Satisfying is not
how I would describe it.
Remember what we agreed on.
I call the shots now, right?
- Ready for lights out?
- Yeah, ready.
Where are we?
- Where are we? We're in a hotel.
- I know, but where is the hotel?
In California,
in one of them Santa-places.
I woke up and was lost.
I got scared.
Do you ever wake up and get scared?
Yeah, when I wake up
and I see you staring at me.
I'm glad you're here. I don't mind
being alone but not in strange places.
- I guess it's a part of getting old.
- You want to know how to not feel old?
Hang around with people
who are older than you.
- Thanks, Oz.
- You're welcome.
Get some sleep, will you?
Everything is gonna be all right.
How about this!
How about that!
Probably gets two blocks
to the gallon.
Glad to see you both could make it.
Climb in, boys.
Thank you very much.
You certainly are prompt.
There are only four of these left
in the country and I own them all.
- You're a collector?
- No, the other three are for parts.
Hang on to your hats, boys.
Is this as fast as it goes?
It takes a few minutes to warm up
and then we ride like the wind.
It's been a half hour
and the wind is going faster than us.
Actually, we're doing 85 right now.
No, that's your clock, sir.
It says 8:25.
Don't mind that clock,
it always breaks down.
No offence, but do you really think
we can make San Malina in two hours?
- Who said that?
- You did last night.
I think you misunderstood me.
What I meant was I can make
this five hour trip seem like two hours.
Take in the scenery, relax,
enjoy being alive and well.
Doing that, I made it back once
in an hour and 20 minutes.
Excuse me, the scent of the trees
and flowers always intoxicate me.
If you're intoxicated,
I'd be glad to be the designated driver.
No, I'm fine.
- Why are we stopping here?
- Are you all right?
I think he's asleep!
When was he awake?
Move him aside, I'll drive.
What are you waiting for?
He'll wake up
and the snails will start passing us.
- He won't wake up. He's dead.
- How can you tell?
No heartbeat and no pulse means dead.
I've seen that in the hospital.
All you did was read books and tell jokes!
What do you want me to do, an autopsy?
The man is dead!
At least he went quickly.
You call 12 miles an hour quickly?
Oh, my God. Pull his head
back in before a bird sits on it.
I knew it! I strained my neck.
It always happens.
Always? You mean whenever
you try to pull a dead body back in?
Get out and push his head
back in, I can't move.
This guy is starting
to decompose already!
His hairpiece blew off. Go get it.
Why? He's dead.
Who does he got to look good for?
Out of respect! Maybe his family
never knew. Just go get it!
Keep an eye on him.
It's not a hair piece any more,
it's a nest!
Shoo him away!
Shoo! Shoo!
- Where did he go?
- He's on my lap.
On your lap?
That's not a good position. It looks like...
I know what it looks like.
Help me pull him up.
What was that?
It sounded like a gunshot.
Maybe it's hunting season.
What animals would they have
around here?
I don't know.
Can you believe this!
Get that!
In the last three minutes
I've walked more than we've driven today.
- Are you crazy?
- I didn't do it, he did!
Check his pulse again!
- You take it.
- I don't want it. Put it on his head.
What are you doing?
I got to get his name and address
so I can tell his relatives.
This should be interesting.
You can't stop in the middle of the road.
Pull the vehicle over.
Then we'd have to move the driver
and as you can see, he's...
- Is he sick?
- No.
Is he drunk?
No, try dead.
- How did this happen?
- We don't know.
- We think God came down and took him.
- Step out of the vehicle.
So the man is dead
and you have his wallet...
...riding in an antique car
worth over $150,000.
How do you think this looks?
To you it looks terrible, to my mother,
she wouldn't be that upset.
We didn't kill him or rob him!
You believed us before,
why don't you believe us now?
I didn't expect you to keep bouncing
back here like a beach ball!
- And why did you take his toupee?
- A truck whizzed by and blew it off!
I tried to get it back.
A bird sat on it.
I shooed him and he flew away
with the hairpiece.
- You shot him? You had a gun?
- No, I shooed him!
Then a hunter shot him
and the bird fell down on the car.
The hairpiece fell on the wind shield.
I hope there is not going to be a trial.
I'd hate to repeat that story in court.
The examination reveals
he died of natural causes
and his daughter informed us
that he called last night
and said he was giving a lift
to two young men he met at the hotel.
Once again you're out of here.
But if I see you back here under arrest,
I will charge you with disturbing the law!
- You mean disturbing the peace.
- No, it's only the law you're disturbing.
There is a bus that leaves in 20 minutes.
They make a quick stop in San Malina.
Be on it, get off it
and stay out of my face.
I'm going to say something
that's going to surprise you.
Why do you have to introduce
everything you say?
It's either, '"Let me tell you something'",
or '"You may not like this,
but I'll say it anyway.'"
Just say it. Then I can
get back to my racing form
and you can start thinking
of the next thing you're going to say.
- What is it?
- I actually had a good time on this trip.
- You did?
- Yes.
- As much as World War II?
- I mean it.
Sure, it was dirty, scary,
ugly and expensive.
But I've met a lot of people
I never would have met before.
I had an adventure.
There's more to life than a job,
dinner alone and a TV show.
I feel younger now than I have in years.
Why didn't you say this last night,
when we could have used it?
- Oscar!
- Felix!
It's nice to see you girls again.
- What happened to your van?
- We dumped it, we were being chased.
- By the police?
- Worse, our husbands.
- Your husbands?
- We just walked.
- You never said you were married.
- We took half our money and hit the road.
Won't these guys be sore
when they catch up to you?
Fit to kill!
Especially since they found out
we were with two men last night.
- You were?
- They mean us, schmuck.
Open up!
Damn! They tracked our perfume.
Stay put and there'll be no trouble.
Sit tight, people.
Oscar? I really have to pee.
The fun is over.
Time to come home.
That shack with whisky bottles
and bacon strips on the floor?
Remember, we don't know them,
we've never even seen them.
- What did you say?
- I honestly can't remember.
That's them, isn't it?
The bartender at the hotel described them.
Couple of Martini drinkers.
Come on, honey. We don't want
to disturb the nice people on this bus.
- That's OK.
- I wasn't talking to you, Martini.
Come on. I've got some cold beer
waiting for you in the car.
Let's go.
You don't want to miss the party.
We have to go to a wedding...
...of our...
But thank you all the same.
You just don't get it, do you.
You are the party.
We just had an innocent drink
and innocent couple of dances.
- It was all very innocent.
- Get off the innocent thing.
Why would these beautiful girls
want to run off
with a couple of old geezers like us?
When the goose wants it,
the geese come running.
We're geezers, not geese.
Where do you want to stop?
Over this hill is a stretch of woods.
That will do fine.
Do fine for what?
Cook us up a couple of fine geezers.
That's funny! I'm sorry,
but that just struck me as funny.
Damn it to hell!
Don't worry.
I know them personally.
Don't you even want to talk about it?
What's the point? No matter what I say
you two still end up in here.
Would it be possible to find out the results
of the second race at Santa Anita?
- I got a trifecta going.
- A what?
When you pick the three winning
horses in the exact order of finish.
We have a wedding that we cannot get to
and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.
- I'll tell you who won.
- You know?
I won. You are my trifecta.
The same two men have been arrested
three times for three different crimes
and all three times by my men!
You know what the odds are
of that happening at any police station?
Roughly 12 million to one.
And what would it be if it happened
in a small sheriff's office
in a little town called
Santa Menendez, California?
It would be in the trillions.
No bookie would handle it.
Of all the differences
that we have had,
of all the fights,
of all those petty arguments...
We can continue talking.
He's gonna be on this for half an hour.
Of all the times I've wanted
to choke you throat, this is the worst!
If you say '"trifecta'" one more time,
I'm going to choke you until you are dead!
Then that man can arrest me
one more time for one more crime,
one more time in his office
and he's gonna have a '"fourfecta'"!
So you shut the fuck up,
do you hear me?
I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba,
but it's a cigar.
Let go of him! Sit down!
Sit down! Now!
Both of you!
Since the ladies gave me a statement
that you had nothing to do
with the abduction...
I have no reason to hold you.
I'm running for sheriff next year.
I can't run a campaign
of mostly arresting you two!
I wouldn't advice it.
If I promise to get you to San Malina
in time for the wedding
guarantee you will never come
within 100 miles of this town.
No, 200. Make it 300.
Since this is the first time in 74 years
that I have been here,
- the odds of me coming...
- Don't finish that sentence!
All right, let's go.
The wedding is at five o'clock.
How are we going to get there in time?
Leave that to me.
I wish you had subways around here.
I never get lost in subways.
I'll wait for you.
They made up?
The boys will spend a month in jail
for using firearms on a public vehicle.
They always get a month.
It's the fifth time they have done this!
It's a '"fivefecta'".
There is an airport
about five miles from here.
You can't land in San Malina, but in
Rockport. It's a 20 minute cab drive.
Rockport is a name
I could've remembered.
The flight will take 40 minutes.
This car will drop you off at the airport.
A police car!
Finally a ride I can feel safe in.
I hope you won't be offended,
but I hope I never see you again.
- Get out of here.
- If you'd like an endorsement...
If those guys commit a triple murder,
or rob a bank...
...just let them go.
If some travel agent booked this trip,
we could have sued them for a fortune.
Everything happens for a reason.
All this isn't for nothing.
I have a feeling there's
a divine pay off at the end.
You want to buy my half?
I'll sell it cheap.
Here we are.
We're gonna actually make it.
- Is that you? It is you!
- Who's that?
I'm Felice Adams, Blanche's sister.
Felice? I didn't recognise you.
You haven't changed in 30 years!
Thank you. I guess we're both
going to the wedding, aren't we?
Are you here with your husband, Larry?
- Barry. He passed away four years ago.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- You had two daughters?
- Now two granddaughters.
Isn't that something.
This is my friend, Felix Ungar.
- Felice, sister of my ex-wife.
- Felix Ungar?
- Blanche talked about you a lot.
- I've changed since then.
Haven't we all.
They are boarding.
I'll see you on the plane.
- We have to talk.
- About what?
On the plane.
- Have a good flight.
- Thank you, you too.
And you.
- If you want to talk - talk.
- Wait till the seat belt sign is off.
You can't talk with your seat belt on?
Is that a new federal law?
When it's on, it can get bumpy.
I don't want anything interrupting
what I'm going to say.
OK, it's safe, we're bumpless.
What have you got to say?
- That's the woman.
- What woman?
The '"somewhere, some place in this world,
the right woman for me'" - woman.
- Felice?
- Even the name is right.
Felice - Felix. The first three letters
are identical. It's like an omen.
I'm telling you, this is the one.
- Who's going to tell her you're the one?
- Me.
With the '"somewhere,
some place in this world'" speech?
Give me some credit.
I've done this 10 or 12 times already.
Help me figure out a reason
to get up and sit next to her.
How about... I don't know.
How about your seat is broken?
- No, I'm a bad liar. She'll know I'm lying.
- How about if I break your seat?
- Forget it. Wish me luck.
- Are you going to tell me what the plan is?
Just watch me. Move your legs.
- Good day for flying.
- Yes, perfect weather.
Some plan.
If you, you chicken-hearted,
gutless wimp
if you don't go back and sit next
to that woman, you and I are through!
Do you hear?
Had a nice chat, old buddy,
pal, dear close friend of mine?
- Relax. I just set it all up for you.
- What did you say to her?
I told her you were writing an article
for '"New York Sunday Times'"
about widowed women
and womanless men
and that you would like to ask her
a few questions.
- She said, '"Absolutely! '"
- Why did you tell her that for?
It's better than you going in to the john
and banging on the walls again.
Are you going, or do I have to get
a food trolley and wheel you over there?
- I'm going. I'm going.
- Good.
- May I?
- Please do.
First I must explain
about this article that I'm writing.
What article?
The one Oscar told you I was writing
for '"The New York Sunday Times'".
He never told me that.
He never...
- What was he saying to you?
- That you wanted to meet me
and couldn't think of a reason
to sit down next to me.
I said, '"Tell him to come over,
I'd like to meet him as well.'"
'Ladies and gentlemen,
we should be arriving
'at Rockport's '"Barbra Streisand
Airport'" in 20 minutes.'
How long has your late husband
been deceased?
Almost four years. He was playing tennis
and had a heart attack.
- My last wife went very quickly.
- We seem to have a lot in common.
I just realised,
we practically have the same name.
Felix - Felice,
same first three letters.
- Did that occur to you?
- No, but now that you mention it.
And both of you don't wear glasses.
That's uncanny.
Here we are.
I swear to you, this is it.
What a place!
Thank God you're here!
- What a mess.
- What is it, what's wrong?
I can't say it.
Blanche, you tell him.
- It's Brucey. He's gone!
- Gone where?
He disappeared! He wasn't in his room.
We even called the police.
Calm down, don't cry.
It's bad luck to cry before a wedding.
No, it's only bad luck if the groom
isn't here before the wedding.
- Didn't he leave a message?
- Nothing, not a clue!
He'll show up.
My kid never ducked anything.
How is Hannah?
Can I see my daughter?
She's upstairs getting dressed.
I haven't told her.
What do you mean
you haven't told her?
What are you waiting for,
her fifth anniversary of being alone?
- Don't yell at me!
- I'm yelling at the situation!
- You haven't changed in 30 years!
- I don't believe this woman!
I haven't seen her for 50 years
and she's still trying to finish
the last fight that we had!
Everybody, please stop
behaving like children!
We tried to put this wedding
together in three days
while you take a casual
joyride in getting here!
It's always the woman's fault, right?
Stop pointing your finger at me and yelling!
You got two other husbands here
to do that with.
Come on, Felix.
I want to talk to you about something.
How about that, Frances?
I would love to divorce her again!
- What do you think happened to Brucey?
- I don't know.
- What did you call me out here for?
- I thought you might have an idea.
What do we do?
We wait and see. Worst comes to worst,
we postpone the wedding.
I'm not going to have my daughter
humiliated because of your ditzy son!
Watch what you say about my son.
Maybe Hannah is the wacky one.
Hannah, wacky?
My Hannah, wacky?
Stop repeating that,
it sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.
I don't know which one caused this!
If he breaks her heart that boy
will have to deal with me!
Are you threatening to get physical
with my son?
If that's what it takes - yes!
Get your nose off my nose before
I sneeze your brains into a tiny Kleenex!
- That's it!
- They found him!
They found him!
- A police helicopter spotted him.
- Where?
Do you need assistance?
He's not going anywhere.
Everybody, please back off!
He's not on the roof because
he's anxious to speak to everyone.
- I'll go alone.
- How will we know what's going on?
I'll tell him to talk loud.
Hello, Brucey!
- Beautiful day, isn't it?
- Hiya, Pop.
I hope you don't think I'm meddling,
but are you coming to the wedding?
I was thinking about it. I was thinking
I'd be making a big mistake.
- Why is that?
- I don't trust marriage.
If you look at everyone here.
Look at my own family.
Mom was married three times.
You were married one time
and then never again for 30 years.
Hers were too many, yours not enough.
What is wrong with it,
that frightens everyone so much?
I don't know. It's like baseball.
Either you can play or you can't play.
Your mother could play, I couldn't.
Trouble with your mother is
she kept getting traded all the time.
- That's not the answer I was looking for.
- Why did you wait to ask the question?
Because it's what I thought I wanted.
Now I know that it's not what I want.
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.
- Then get out of it. Don't do it.
- You mean it?
Let me go and talk to the others.
I'll figure something out to say.
The thing is...
- I really love her.
- Sure you love her, now.
You'll have two years of excitement
and 45 years of hell. Trust me.
I will always love her. She is the best
thing that has ever happened to me.
Would you be willing
to gamble your life on that?
I know I haven't been there
enough for you.
But this is the best advice I'll give you.
Not getting married
is the right thing to do!
Maybe it's right for you,
it's wrong for me.
You tell everybody
I'm getting dressed.
Thank God you said that.
I didn't know how long
I could keep on talking like an asshole.
Thanks, Pop.
See you downstairs.
- Go away, we're not ready yet!
- Not even for your old man?
Maria, let him in.
I come back soon.
But you smudge her dress, I kill you.
Dear God, I've just seen heaven
and it's in living colour.
Do you like it?
- Can I hug you?
- Yes, you better!
I would have postponed
if you didn't make it.
Have you seen Bruce?
Isn't he terrific?
Was it a terrible trip?
If you'd asked me that four hours ago,
I would've said '"the pits'".
But something happened on the plane
and everything's coming up roses.
You've met someone.
- I'll tell you later.
- No, say.
I don't want to keep you.
I can't keep you any longer, can I?
I hope you don't mind me
giving the bride away dressed like this.
You look great to me.
Mr Ungar, this just came for you.
On second thought,
maybe I'll spiff it up a little.
He's very sweet.
...with the power vested in me
by the state of California,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Isn't this terrific!
Brucey baby! What a putzie!
Don't cry.
Good luck. Take care of my boy.
He needs a lot of cereal in the morning.
Congratulations, Blanche.
- Are you still allergic to my perfume?
- No, that's gone.
It triggered an old memory in my sinuses.
Excuse me.
Isn't she incredible?
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
Listen, Brucey...
I want you to take these
for you and Hannah.
No, Pop, I know you're strapped for cash.
The gesture is enough.
What I have here is not cash.
Please, take it.
Baseball cards!
You knew I always used to save these.
Not those. I've had these since before
you were born. These are first editions.
Mickey Mantle in his rookie year.
George Herman Ruth,
sometimes known as Babe Ruth.
Today that's worth $22,000.
I can't take these.
Hold them until your kids are 18.
It might buy him a week or two in college.
You're the greatest.
Well, I'm getting tired.
Come on, walk me in.
No chance of you moving out here?
To where, Santa Yocinta,
Malinta, Caliente, Maliguena?
I'm not learning a new language
just to find my way home at night.
It feels good to be
in clean pyjamas again.
My God, was that a wedding?
I am so glad that the kids
loved the silver tray.
You never told me what you gave them.
Not that it's any of my business.
Tomorrow night
I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
It's not great but I love it
because it never talks during the night.
I'm sorry, Oz. It's just, you know...
It may be another 17 years
before we see each other again.
That's a date.
- Let me tell you...
- Felix, please!
We got to be on that airport bus
at 9:00 am. I got to get some sleep.
I forgot to tell you, no bus. Leece has hired
a limo to take us to the airport.
Who's Leece?
- Felice. I call her Leece and she likes it.
- Does she call you Lix?
And I'm not going back to New York.
I'm going to spend some time
up in San Fran.
Lix and Leece in San Fran?
What the hell is going on?
I may spend a few days or the rest
of my life. We really hit it off tonight.
- I've heard you say that before.
- This may be the last time.
I hope so. I really do.
Boy, am I exhausted.
- '"GN'"?
- Good night.
Gate 46. Where is that?
It's down at that end.
We're at the other end.
I'll change your ticket, give you and Oscar
a chance to say goodbye.
Yeah, OK.
Bye, Oscar.
Have a wonderful flight.
You too, Leece.
- I'll be right there.
- She's very nice.
She looks like she's got a lot of dogs.
You're gonna be walking a lot of dogs.
You think I'm making a mistake?
I don't give that kind of advice
twice on a weekend.
This could be my last chance.
I really want to give it a good try.
- I wish you the best.
- You do?
- My best doesn't always mean much.
- It does to me.
OK, Felix. That's enough.
Stop it, she's going to think
we have something going.
Who gets the bagel
with the tofu cream cheese?
- That's mine.
- Millie.
- Here we go.
- Thank you, darling.
And I have here a soy bean
facsimile corned beef sandwich.
That's me.
- Are you in this game?
- Can a duck swim? For 20 cents, I'm in.
- You didn't look at your cards.
- At these prices I'll take the plunge.
This cheesecake is hard as a rock!
That's the wax model
they keep in the window.
If you like the way it looks,
I'll order it.
Tell us about the wedding.
What did they serve?
- Veal Alphonso.
- How did they make that?
A guy name of Alphonso
comes in early...
I'll get it.
Must be the pizza I ordered.
For tonight?
From before the wedding.
I forgot to cancel it.
Hi, Oz. I was in the neighbourhood
so I thought I'd drop in.
What a surprise.
Is Felice with you?
No, it didn't work out.
That woman left her clothes
lying all over the floor.
She was always running out of towels,
and pins in the bed!
- I could not hack that. Am I disturbing?
- No, come on in.
Girls, this is the father of the bride,
my friend, Felix Ungar.
These are my poker playing buddies.
- I hope I'm not interrupting the game.
- No, not at all.
- It's a distinct pleasure to meet you.
- I can't see him. Is he cute?
Would you excuse us for a minute.
I have to speak to Felix.
Felix, can I have a word with you?
Can you believe it, we'll never play.
What's with the suitcases?
I gave up my apartment in New York.
- To live in Sarasota?
- They have hospitals in Sarasota, too.
Are you planning to
move in with me again?
It didn't work out the last time.
This is just until I find my own place.
You could actually save a lot of money
by splitting expenses.
Nothing has changed. I'm still a pig,
you're still a human vacuum cleaner.
If you don't think it will work,
just say no.
Then I'll go.
I didn't say '"go'", I said '"no'".
All right. We'll give it a try
for a few weeks.
But the minute you start matching up
my socks, we call it quits.
It's a deal. Now you go on,
go back to your game.
I'm just going to hang up a few things.
He looks so sweet.
If he's looking,
I've got a spare bedroom I don't use.
Ladies, it's possible that in five weeks
you'll all be moving out of Sarasota.
Whose bet is it?
Don't mind me, folks.
- Is this yours?
- Thank you.
That sandwich is looking a little limp.
I can retoast that for you in a second.
I wouldn't mind.
No problem at all.
This is the biggest goddamn dj vu
anybody has ever had!
Can we play cards here,
for crying out loud!