Oh Heavenly Dog (1980) Movie Script
1
[Thunderclap]
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
[Sneezes]
Whoa-oh. Hey!
Miss? Miss? Miss?
I was here first.
[Shouting, Sneezes]
Taxi!
[Whistles]
Look. Look. Look, look, look!
The light!
- #[Continues]
- [Horn Honking]
#[Singing Ends]
[Horn Honking]
- Hi, sailor. Want a ride?
- Freddie, you're a godsend.
I've been telling you
that for years.
- Your sunroof work?
- Benjamin, it's raining!
You must have noticed.
You're all pruney.
That's not the half of it.
I can't get my umbrella closed.
- My God! How awful.
- I'm learning to live with it.
Yeah, I bet it's not easy.
People can be so cruel.
[Benjamin] How would you know?
Your umbrella folds up.
Umbrellas aren't the only
prejudices people have, you know?
- Uh, Freddie.
- Sorry.
I was just reaching
for the gearshift.
[Horn Honks]
[Horn Honking]
[Tires Screeching]
Are you sure?
It wouldn't take a minute to whip around
the block and get ya right to the door.
Freddie, somewhere out there
the angel of death's just been cheated...
and I have a feeling
he's really pissed, and I'm not
gonna give him a second chance.
Wait a minute!
You're not driving
with an amateur, Benjamin.
I'm a professional racer,
for God's sake.
Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't you
and I go into business together...
selling off shares
of your life insurance
premium?
Benjamin, your taste
is in your navel.
- How about a grand's won'th, just for me?
- Kiss off!
- [Woman Gasps]
- [Grunts]
[Freddie]
Anybody hurt?
I guess not.
I'm sorry.
- [Tires Screeching]
- No, it was my fault.
- I was running far too fast.
- No, I shouldn't have stepped
back without looking that way.
Oh, is this your...
Uh, it's okay.
I won't need it
when it stops raining.
- Could you give me a...
- Oh.
Sorry.
Oh!
Thanks for saving this.
It's a crystal wine decanter.
It's the least I could do after
dumping you in that puddle.
- You're an American.
- You're not.
Well, thanks for everything.
Say, uh...
If you're not doing
anything tonight...
Oh, uh, I'll be in Paris.
How 'bout
when you get back?
Why not?
My name's Jackie Howard.
L... I work for Time Europe.
Call me on Friday.
I'll call ya Friday.
#[Man Singing]
- #[Continues]
- [Sneezes]
#[Ends]
Oh, Mr. Browning.
Just look at you!
Oh, Mr. Browning.
Just look at you!
You're wet from head to toe.
- You're bound to catch pneumonia.
- [Sneezes]
I already have pneumonia, Margaret.
What about the phone call?
Well, if it hadrt sounded
terribly important, you know
I wouldn't have called you.
- I know.
- He insisted that he see you
today, but he wouldn't say why.
I tried desperately to find out,
but he wouldn't even tell me his name...
only that the meeting
was important and terribly urgent.
Mm-hmm. Okay,
why don't you go on to lunch.
Oh, here.
It's raining.
Do you want to have it
re-covered again?
No, I think it's all over.
Take it out and shoot it.
Orthodox funeral?
[Chuckles] Not bad, Margaret.
Orthodox funeral.
Pretty good.
#[Man Singing]
[Sighs]
[Coughing]
#[Continues]
#[Singing Ends]
[Coughing]
[Man]
Benjamin Browning?
My name is Quimby-Charles.
I spoke with your secretary.
Have a...
Have a seat.
Have a rather bad cold
I'm nursing.
I'm not doing
a very good job at it.
What can I do for you?
I want to buy protection
for someone.
I see.
Hmm?
The primary complication,
as I see it, Mr. Charles, is that I'm
not in the protection business.
I'm an investigator.
Perhaps I can recommend
a good security, uh, service for you.
I want you, Mr. Browning...
because I know you'll do it right,
and I know you'll be discreet.
You, uh...
You know my work?
[Chuckles]
I know your work permit.
It would be a shame if it were
not renewed just when you were
beginning to do so well.
[Coughs]
Are you in, uh, organized crime?
I'm in Parliament.
Six of one.
This is her name
and address.
I have reason to believe
she's in serious danger.
I'd like you
to start immediately.
- A her, huh?
- No questions, Mr. Browning.
Just protection.
The threat should be over
within a few days, a week at the most.
I'll contact you.
Can I borrow your umbrella?
[Horn Honks]
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Is anybody home?
Hello?
[Clears Throat]
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Jesus.!
[Creaking]
No, young fella,
I'm afraid there's no mistake.
According to your file here,
that was definitely your N.T.T.
What's an N.T.T.?
- [Computer Buzzes]
- Natural Termination Time.
Now if you'll
just sign here.
[Beeping]
- What am I signing?
- You're acknowledging
that you are dead...
and you agree to all
the terms and conditions thereof.
Oh. I was afraid
of something like that.
- I don't feel dead.
- A mere technicality, Mr. Browning.
You are definitely D.A.D.
- D.A.D.?
- Dead as a doornail.
That paper
makes it official.
[Beeping]
Unfortunately,
you are also Marginal Material.
[Keys Clacking]
Anyway, my name is Mr. Higgins
and I'm your counselor.
- [Whooshing]
- We had it before Star Wars.
You are currently at the
Intermediate Destination
Evaluation Facility...
where it will be determined
whether or not...
you will go up
to your Ultimate Reward...
or down
to Eternal Damnation.
To help us
make this determination...
- [Computer Sliding Out]
- You will be given...
a Final Assessment Assignment
before moving on.
And that means
you have to go back.
Go back?
Your Final
Assessment Assignment...
is to go back and solve
your own murder.
Solve my own murder?
This is not a wedding ceremony,
Mr. Browning.
You are not obligated
to repeat everything I say.
[Objects Splashing]
Apparently, an innocent man
has been charged with your murder...
as well as the murder
of a Miss Patricia Elliot.
- His name is Quimby-Charles.
- That's the man who hired me.
That's not the man
who hired me.
"Socialite and lover"?
That son of a bitch set me up.
Please watch your language, Mr. Browning.
Remember where you are.
Take this down
to R.R.D. D...
- which is the second door
on the left, down the hall.
- What's it for?
For a Returnable. You certainly
can't go back in your own body.
Ah.
- Why not?
- It has a hole in it.
Oh.
[Door Whooshing]
- Where's the door?
- Please sit down, Mr. Browning.
I just...
[Pod Engine Revving]
[Man Over P.A.]
A message for new arrivals.
This is the last day to register
for the stained glass class.
And don't forget,
you ultra-sports...
Coach Diogenes is still looking
for a few good volleyball players.
Flight number.
Welcome, and
just follow the red line.
[Man Over P.A.] Oh, I forgot to tell ya.
Due to lack of interest...
the Astral Projection
Society...
has canceled tonight's
screening of Halos for Heroes.
Just follow that red line.
- I've been there. People
have been sending me there.
- Follow the red line!
How'd you die?
Well, um, I don't feel like discussing it.
It's kind of personal.
- [Woman] Next.
- My vacuum cleaner.
Computer
identification number.
- Pardon?
- I said, computer identification number.
Uh, I didn't know
I had one.
- [Gasps]
- BJ B779.
Seven months. Maybe six
if you're not picky about sex. Next?
Hold it! Hold it.
You don't understand.
I have to go back now.
Today. Right now.
- If these bastards would write
so somebody could read it.
- [Man] Follow that red line.
Mr. Higgins thinks you should
watch your language up here.
You wanna know
what Mr. Higgins can do?
- I don't think so. No.
- [Man]Just follow the red line.
An immediate return
means an L.G.R.
L.G.R.?
Lower Grade Returnable.
Ah, anthropoid...
bovine, equine, rodent...
- Excuse me. Miss? Hello?
- Marsupial, pachyderm...
- crustacean, canine.
- Excuse me. Wait a minute.
Those are animals.
I'm not going back as an animal.
I want a person.
I have an assignment.
I have to solve a murder and get
an innocent man out of jail.
- Now how can I do that as an animal?
- I have a dog.
Small mongrel due to be hit
by a garbage truck in 45 seconds.
I want to see Mr. Higgins. He didn't say
anything to me about animals.
Mr. Higgins suggested
you go back as a rat.
That bastard.
I just love the way
you say that.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- You come with me into the back room.
- We're going to make sure you
don't go back to Earth...
- Can I use a phone?
- Hey, what about...
- as a little old rat.
- What about the garbage truck?
- Oh, I'm sure there'll be
another one along soon.
You're not really in that much
of a hurry, are you?
Yes. I'm in a hurry.
Big hurry. Very big hurry.
The garbage truck.
Right now. Right away. For sure.
- Can we do that?
- All right.
But I'll be waiting for you
when you get back.
- Uh-uh-uh.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles]
[Truck Horn Honking]
[Truck Horn Honking]
[Browning, Thinking]
Holy shit!
That was close.
Jesus, that was close!
Well, l... [Grunts]
Great.
It's amazing how much bigger
everything is from down here.
Well, not everything.
[Chuckles]
[Sneezing]
That's terrific.
They left me the cold.
Probably have worms too.
Ah, cute and fluffy to the rescue.
How the hell am I
gonna get around London?
Wait a minute.
This doesn't look like London.
It looks like... Paris!
- How the hell am I gonna get to London?
- [Car Door Closes]
I'll call you tonight. Will you be
in London or the country house?
- [Woman] London.
- Sorry.
- [Jackie] Do you know my new number?
- Yes.
But remember, Jackie, sex, sex, sex,
or it won't sell 10 copies.
Just get the contracts drawn.
We'll talk about sex later.
Don't tease me, Jackie.
You know how I feel about you.
- Like a father.
- I'll try and remember that.
Bernie.
You're giving me a fantastic opportunity.
I really appreciate it.
Just write a good book.
I'll call you tonight.
[Jackie] Don't you come making up to me.
I don't like dogs that bite.
[Thinking Continues] You tried
to throw me out. What choice did I have?
- What am I going to do with you?
- Well, we could...
Uh, not that,
or we could be in deep perverted trouble.
Thank you.
Thank you.
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
#[Singing Ends]
What does
BJ B779 mean, hmm?
If I could talk, I'd tell ya, but you
wouldn't believe it, so it doesn't matter.
- How about if I just
call you B.J. For short?
- Don't say "short."
I'm pretty sensitive
about my height.
[Benjamin] This is perfect.
You're headed right where I need to go.
Just take a left
at the next street, and...
Excuse me.
Uh, the other left.
Ah. Give me a break.
Think about my short, stubby little legs
and how tired they're gonna be...
if they have to walk
all the way across London.
Now, one more chance. Take a left
right here and we'll still be all right.
Okay, that did it.
I can see that we're
gonna have to separate.
Not that I want to, mind you. I mean,
we've hardly given it a fair chance...
but I've got this job to do and,
anyway, what can it all come to?
Another time,
another place.
Let's face it. I'm a dog now
and you're still a person.
Granted, one of the
most wonderful persons I've ever known...
but, I mean, really,
what can it come to?
You don't happen to know
any foxy little poodles, do you?
Miss Howard. Did you have a nice trip?
How was Paris?
Terrific. Warm for this time
of year, actually.
Oh, would you get my suitcase
from the boot and I'll get the dog. B.J.?
- B. J...!
- Please. This is
hard enough without tears.
One lousy left turn. She couldn't
make one left turn. All right.
What is this?
Great.
Pink scarf. Why do women
insist on doing things like this?
What am I gonna do with this?
Untie it?
I'm having enough of an identity crisis
without some womars pink scarf.
- Okay. Now we're looking good.
- [Bus Rumbling]
Racist.
[Sighs]
Well, here goes nothing.
Oh, hi. Maybe you remember me.
I was killed here.
[Groans]
Thank you.
Enjoyed it.
A simple "no" would have been just fine.
Two for two.
So much for the direct approach.
Wait a minute.
There's gotta be another way.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
# Once there was a way #
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
That's it.
[Barking]
Wait a minute. I like cats.
At least I used to.
[Freddie Thinking] Oh, it's you.
Higgins told me you were coming.
- I know that voice. I know that voice.
- It's me, dummy.
Kitty, kitty.
I'm a Returnable too.
Freddie?
- I'm afraid so.
- You mean I can hear you think?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
But then doesn't
everybody up there?
- What happened?
- Oh, you won't believe this...
but about six blocks
from where I left you the other day...
I took this shortcut through
this one-way alley, and, well...
I never guessed a truck that big
could get into an alley that small.
My car looks like
a bottle cap.
They had to take me
to the Returnable desk in a baggy.
- Uh-huh.
- Anyway, Patricia Elliot's
kitchen window...
is the one with
the porcelain albatross on the sill.
- Freddie.
- The latch is broken, so there's
no problem getting in.
- No, Freddie.
- I went up there to steal some
food from her refrigerator.
A little bitey-poo?
But everything's rotted since she died.
Well, I gotta run.
- I just love your big brown eyes.
- Mm-hmm. Good-bye, Freddie.
Maybe I'll see ya later.
If you see Higgins, tell him
never mind about sending the rats.
I tried one of them
and I just don't like 'em.
That is truly awful.
This lady is very unusual.
Was very unusual.
I wish I had some idea
what I was looking for.
Where are the people?
I need pictures of people.
Hmph.
She was killed on the 15th.
So why is this thing turned to the 16th?
Uh-huh. There is no 15th.
That page is missing.
I need a clue.
And a pair of hands.
Higgins, you are an asshole.
Ah. Now we're
getting somewhere.
# Phone numbers are the things
leads are made of #
246-8026.
Okay. Two...
Two, six...
Two. Shit.
Thanks for the fingers.
Oh, okay.
The old pencil
in the mouth trick.
Two, uh...
[Line Ringing]
- [Man] Needham Gallery.
- Never heard of it.
Hello?
This is the Needham Gallery.
Hello? Hello?
- [Barks]
- I beg your pardon?
Hello? Hello?
Why are you breathing so hard?
Is this an obscene phone...
Well, it's a start.
I wonder where the Needham Gallery is.
Must be a phone book
around here somewhere. That's funny.
- I don't remember...
- [Door Opens]
[Man] And I'm not at all sure
that I should be doing this.
I can't afford any trouble
from Scotland Yard.
I've already had to increase
my security budget on this thing.
My tenants are on edge, and
I just want it all to go away.
Surely you can understand that.
I mean, if there's anything amiss,
I know they'll make a big fuss.
[Jackie]
Mr. Easton, please.
I assure you I'll leave nothing amiss.
I'll be very quick.
You have absolutely nothing
to be concerned about.
B.J.?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God.
I had no idea she had a dog.
All animals are supposed
to be registered with the office.
Scotland Yard will think
I was withholding something.
- I don't think so.
- I beg your pardon?
- I don't think he belonged
to Patricia Elliot.
- He's here in a locked flat.
- How could you conclude otherwise?
- He was in Paris this morning.
Surely you're mistaken.
How could a dog get from Paris to London?
- I brought him.
- Then he's your dog.
- No, he isn't.
- Then he must be Miss Elliot's.
- No, I don't think so.
- I'm afraid I don't understand.
- I don't either.
- That makes three of us.
- I wish you could talk.
- That's not the half of what I wish.
- Where's my pink scarf?
- Excuse me?
- Nothing.
- I'm having it Martinized.
Are you working this story for,
what, the Enquirer, or...
I'll call Scotland Yard
and see if they want me to
send him to the animal shelter.
- Animal shelter?
- The slammer.
Well, why don't I
just take him home with me?
Oh, my goodness, no.
That would be impossible.
One doesn't deceive Scotland Yard
and get away with it.
They may not
believe me even now.
But I'd rather face the music today
with an honest mistake...
than tomorrow with deception
written all over my face.
I just couldn't.
Oh, my.
[Sighs]
I loved that chair.
[Margaret Crying]
Hello, Margaret.
Cancel everything for the rest of the day
and take all calls.
I'm gonna do
some thinking.
- [Sobs]
- [Jackie] Excuse me.
Um, is Mr...
Mr. Shackleton in?
I'm Mr. Shackleton.
Mr. Browning always thought it looked
better to have two names on the door.
He said ours
had a nice...
ring... together.
Look. I'm sorry, uh...
I know this is
a terrible time...
but I just wanted to
ask you a few questions.
And I'd like to see
Mr. Browning's office...
if... if that's
at all possible.
Oh.! I'm writing a book.
Or rather I'm going to write
a book about what happened.
Or rather why it happened.
It's my fault, you know.
It's all my fault.
The man on the telephone
made it sound so urgent...
l... I thought I was doing
the right thing...
but Mr. Browning wasrt even coming in
that morning until I called him.
He was in bed with
a... terrible cold.
You can't blame yourself.
Yes, I can.
- I'm sure it would have happened anyway.
- [Sobs]
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that quite...
Is this Mr. Browning?
- Oh, my God.
- What's the matter?
I know him.
Uh, knew him.
- What's your name?
- Jackie Howard.
I'm afraid
that's impossible.
- My name?
- That you knew him. You'd be in the book.
Oh! No,
we only just met.
It must have been
the day that he was...
It was pouring with rain
and, uh, and I was chasing for this bus...
and-and we sort
of collided.
He was carrying this really funny
little red umbrella...
which I managed to fall on top of
and totally demolish.
- [Sobs]
- Oh!
I didn't even know his name.
- You'd like to see his office?
- Oh, I'd like that.
He wanted people to think
he was hard and unyielding...
but he was just
a puppy at heart.
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, it's true.
Is this your dog?
Miss Howard?
- You're beginning to drive me crazy.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- What are you doing here?
- I needed some cough medicine.
What are you doing here?
This isn't cough medicine.
It's brandy.
So I lied.
You may be a better story
than the one I'm writing.
I, uh, think I am
the one you're writing.
Miss Howard?
Are you all right?
Uh...
You have no idea
how strange this is.
I see.
Well, everywhere I go,
he turns up.
I was here first.
- Does he have something
to do with your book?
- No.
Yes. Wait a minute. Book?
I thought you wrote for Time?
No, the book is...
Well, it's not so much
about the actual murders themselves.
It's about the lives
of three people.
Their feelings,
their emotions...
the events that
brought them together, and...
and eventually led
to such a tragic end.
Why... Why, for example...
would a socially prominent
designer and art aficionada...
who's engaged to
a prominent member of Parliament...
be having an affair
with an un-prominent...
struggling private detective?
He wasrt struggling.
And there was no affair.
The newspapers made that up.
He didn't even know
Patricia Elliot.
Unless, like you...
he met her that...
that day.
How do you know?
Because she wasrt
on the list.
What... What list was that?
I kept a list of Mr. Browning's
current lady friends.
It wasrt a list.
It was just a couple of names.
In... In case
something turned up.
I could always reach him
at any hour of the day, or...
or whenever I needed to.
I see.
- Would you like to see it?
- Yes!
I need to talk to anyone, who ever knew
any one of the three involved.
Oh, yeah? Me too.
You mind if I, uh...
And if you're planning any more surprises,
after I leave here, I'm going home.
Stanley Towers.
You know where that is.
Well, the label says
it has everything you need
for a happy and healthy life.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Well, go on. Eat it.
- Eat it? I wouldn't sit in it.
It's that or nothing.
Do you wanna bet?
Yuck.
[British Accent] Oh, jolly good.
Now I'll have a proper meal.
Good wine.
[Water Running]
[Normal Voice]
If that's what I think it is...
Oh-ho.
I'm gonna turn around,
go back to the kitchen and eat my dinner.
- [Water Splashes]
- Later.
- Yee-ha!
- [Water Splashes]
[Sneezing]
- Serves you right.
- No regrets.
Mr. Charles,
thank you for seeing me.
Miss Howard.
How did you manage that?
Dogs are not allowed.
Seems they had an unfortunate
experience with one that
liked to eat prison officers.
I have special permission.
That's why we have so much company.
I had hoped
you might recognize him.
- Why ever would you hope that?
- There was reason
to believe that he, um...
he belonged
to Patricia Elliot.
Patricia didn't have a dog.
Why would you think she did?
I found him locked up
in her apartment.
Miss Howard,
there is a condition to this interview.
Oh?
Yes.
My spies tell me that
you are a good writer, an honest writer.
And most importantly, a thorough writer.
You do a lot of research.
I try.
If I consent to this interview,
I want my lawyers to have access
to that research.
Notes, tapes, photographs.
Anything that pertains to the case.
Why wasrt I told this before
I went to the trouble to come here?
Because I wanted you
to hear the reason why from me.
Well, that much
you've accomplished.
I'm listening.
I didn't kill Patricia Elliot.
I want both to clear myself of that charge
and to have the guilty party found.
Your research might inadvertently
turn up something that would help.
It's as simple as that.
Your fingerprints were found
on the murder weapon.
It was a kitchen knife.
I did most of the cooking.
Then you... Then you
were living with her?
I spent a great deal
of time there.
How did you meet her?
The condition, Miss Howard.
I agree.
Good. I have only
one more question.
Is he always so attentive
to conversations?
[Jackie] But you were to be
the next prime minister.
[Quimby] It was possible.
If the old man stepped down...
and if the party
remained in power.
The way things are,
both are big "ifs."
[Jackie]
Especially, uh, if you're convicted.
As I said, Miss Howard,
I did most of the cooking.
I did none of the killing.
Well, so far my research
can be summarized as follows.
I am told that Quimby-Charles
is innocent of killing Patricia Elliot...
who wasrt having an affair
with a private detective,
who didn't even know her.
Well, if that's all true,
then I don't have a story.
If I don't have a story,
then I have no book.
And if I have no book,
then it's back to Time magazine.
I just want the little person
inside this machine to know
that that really pisses me off.
That was a really shitty thing
to say, wasrt it?
Yeah.
But, uh, on the money.
[Grunts]
Check the oil?
All right. The phone number
on the calendar.
Interesting how great minds
work together.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hey!
What are you closing the window for?
It's not raining.
- I'm afraid you'll just have
to sit this one out, kid.
- What?
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm an art lover.
Mr. Edgeware? I'm Jacqueline Howard.
I spoke to you on the phone.
- Oh, yes. About Miss Elliot.
- Yes.
- Would you like some champagne?
- Mmm.
She always attended our showings.
Oh, look at that.
[Continues Indistinctly]
And this one on your left. Montanero
was one of her favorites, you know.
In fact, it was she
who gave him his start...
when she bought his matched pair
Adam and Eve.
I'll see you later. Hello.
Thank you for coming. Oh, here we are.
- Would you like to meet him?
- Yes, I would indeed.
Jeffrey!
Are you avoiding me?
Lady Chalmers, there you are.
[Chuckles]
I want you to meet Miss Howard.
She's writing a novel about
the Patricia Elliot tragedy.
Patricia was redecorating
Lady C.'s flat, uh, when...
Yes. She was right
in the middle of my vestibule.
I don't know what to do.
I'm bereft.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'll go and see if I can find
our artist while you ladies chat.
[Sighs]
Doesrt he use dreadful cologne?
Still, he never fails to
draw a glittering crowd.
Oh! Look!
The Octavia sisters.
Do you know about the Octavia sisters?
Of course you do.
Everybody knows
the Octavia sisters.
There's Pamela Natwick!
She came with two men.
- Do you happen to know Quimby-Charles?
- Darling.
- I know everyone.
- [Sneezing]
What was that?
[Sneezing]
Oh.! A dog.!
[Chuckles]
That makes two of us.
Now, you embarrass me
one more time...
and you're going to find your cute,
fluffy little tail...
Iocked up in the nearest
animal shelter.
Got it?
Sure you have.
Jesus.
I don't like being cute.
I don't like being fluffy.
And I want some friggir hands.
Anyway, I could count on selling
at least one of my pieces every
time she did someone's flat.
And then, quite suddenly,
she just dropped out of sight.
But, uh...
why don't we discuss it
over cocktails?
Please continue.
I really should get back
to my mingling.
That's what I'm supposed to do
at these things. You know, mingle.
What do you mean,
she just dropped out of sight?
I'm sorry. I really must,
uh, pull myself away.
Shall we say late,
candlelit snack...
my place?
No. Let's say an early,
floodlit dinner at mine.
7:00?
Isn't he wonderful?
I'd just love to get
into his knickers.
Not so, of course,
with Lord Heathwit.
Still, he wants to meet you,
so it can't do any harm.
He's 27 th in line for the crown,
you know. Darling man.
Blows bubbles when he talks,
poor dear. Oh! Look!
Alistair Becket. He's going to be
the next prime minister, you know...
thanks to Quimby's
little indiscretion.
They're all so boring. It'll be so nice
to have someone who's good looking.
Now come along.
- Alistair! Good to see you again.
- Uh, yes.
Uh, Lady Chalmers.
We were introduced by Lady Alcott.
- Oh, of course.
- I believe you met her in Switzerland.
She said she found you
schussing down a slope.
That is the right word, isn't it,
"schussing"? Sounds so naughty.
Excuse me.
How do you do?
I'm Alistair Becket.
I know.
Oh, I do apologize.
This is Jacqueline Howard.
She's writing a book about Patricia
and Quimby and that detective.
Oh.
What kind of book?
But you don't have to understand it.
You just have to feel it.
I do feel it.
That's why we're leaving.
[Woman] I love it. I absolutely
love Montanero. I mean, really.
[Woman #2,
Speaking Indistinctly]
[Browning]
Swell.
[Woman]
I just can't put my finger on it.
[Man, Indistinct]
[Man] I mean, what is he...
I just don't understand.
Oh, yes. Mm-hmm.
Don't mind if I do.
I actually met her
at one of these showings.
She was, uh...
What the hell you looking at?
You've never seen me in this suit.
[Jackie]
B.J., come here.
- Is that your dog?
- On occasion.
Anyway, you were saying that you met
Patricia Elliot at one of these showings.
How long ago was that?
I'm terribly sorry.
I really must go.
Perhaps we can continue this
some other time.
Uh... Hey,
let go of me!
I've got to follow him. What's his name?
Who is that? Let go of my neck.
Hey, come on.!
Damn it.!
You're becoming more trouble
than you're won'th.
Now, when I tell you to stay somewhere,
you're either going to stay...
or we're going to have to
make some other arrangements.
Do you understand? Do you? Oh!
[Gasps]
[Barks]
What does it take to get thrown out
of this place? [Barks]
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God! Look!
[Browning]
Oh, shit.!
[Horn Honks]
Big, but dumb.
[Meows]
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were following me.
- What, me? A dog?
- Come here.
Following you? [Chuckles] Sorry.
I gotta be running along now.
[Yelps]
L-I'll see you later. Hey, let go!
Either this son of a bitch
is crazy, or he knows something.
Ooh, let go. You're strangling me.
I have the strangest feeling...
this could be
the end of the line, ooh, again.
- Hello.
- Dear sir, you let him go!
- [Yelling, Indistinct]
- Let me explain, ma'am.
He's gotta be crazy.
How could he know
anything?
- Either way, he's dangerous.
- [Dog Barks]
Oh, shit.
I don't need this.
[Jackie]
I just want a list ofher clients.
I won't touch anything
but the files. I promise.
I mean, you could even get
the lists for me.
I said, "No one,"
and that includes me.
They were very upset
about the dog getting away.
They've sealed the flat shut.
No one is allowed inside
until after the trial.
Dear Mom. It all started when I was
laying in bed with this cold.
Insomuch as you've probably
heard that sort of language
before, I shart repeat it.
Suffice it,
they said, "No."
Bernie, I need
that client list.
Then I suggest you find
someone who has friends in the Yard.
Insomuch as this is now on the
best-selling list, I only have enemies.
I saw
Quimby-Charles today.
So?
I think I believe
he's innocent.
Don't get distracted,
Jackie.
He's very convincing.
Of course.
He's a politician.
- It goes with the job.
- You're a cynic.
How could I possibly get to my age
without becoming one?
- Besides...
- I know.
- It goes with the job.
- [Laughs]
[Browning Sneezes]
Oh, hello.
If you're looking for Mr. Hoffa...
I believe he's in Detroit,
Chicago and Miami.
[Barks]
Well, easy for you to say.
George, have you seen that little dog
that was with me this morning?
No.
Is he lost again?
I haven't
the faintest idea.
If he turns up,
would you let him in and buzz me?
Oh, yes, sure.
[Browning] So, you see, it's...
it's just a matter of communication.
Even with vast differences
between two individuals, it's...
Oh, you know what I mean, man.
There could still be shared experiences,
a meeting of the minds.
[Laughs] And if you have a mind,
I'd certainly like to meet it.
Hey, uh, this is it. This is my place.
So, let's take a lunch together.
Maybe for business and so long.
Uh, close the door, George.
Close the door, please.
Where have you been?
Thank you.
Mm, God,
you smell awful.
Did you spend the day
in a rubbish dump?
Close. Who's the fruit
with the ear bob?
So, there was no one
special in her life.
Well, I cannot speak
for the year she was away.
But before and after
she played in the park.
- She did what?
- She, uh...
[Chuckles]
She saw many different men.
- Played the field.
- In the field, in the park.
Always someone else.
I am not that way.
I am, uh, monogamous.
You are, uh, ridiculous.
With me,
there can only be one.
[Barks]
Would you?
I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.
[Chuckles]
Go away.
You stink.
I told you to go away.
You're asking for it,
greasy.
[Clattering]
Hey!
What are you doing?
- [Head Thuds]
- [Groans]
Uh, nothing.
L-I dropped my napkin.
[Chuckles]
So, Patricia was gone for a year.
Do you know where she'd been?
Oh, she wouldn't speak of it. Jeffrey said
she was somewhere in Switzerland.
But, uh,
it was just a rumor.
How did she seem
when she finally turned up again?
I mean, was she
the same old Patricia?
I'm sorry.
I can't concentrate.
Being near you makes me feel...
I don't know.
Like I've never felt before.
I know, that sounds like a string.
- Line.
- A line. But it's not.
I'm being honest
with you.
I have such trouble
expressing my feelings.
But you, you make me
want to say things...
and do things.
It's a nice doggy.
[Becket's Voice]
Oh, thank you very much.
But I can't help but wonder
why you chose this subject.
[Jackie On Tape] Well, it's not
really the story of the tragedy itself...
but more the story
behind the tragedy.
- Whatever that is.
- [Becket] I beg your pardon?
[Jackie] Do you believe
Quimby-Charles is guilty?
[Becket] I suppose that question
is best left to a jury.
I actually hadrt
given it much thought.
[Jackie] Well, not to be impertinent,
Mr. Becket...
but that's a bit difficult
to believe.
Hasrt the affair, more or less,
guaranteed your trip
to Number 10 Downing Street?
[Becket] My, my, Miss Howard.
Propriety is not one of your virtues.
- [Jackie] My apologies.
- Accepted.
Now, how else can I help?
[Jackie]
Did you know Patricia Elliot?
[Becket] Not really.
Just passing acquaintances.
But we did know a lot of the same people,
so if I or my office...
can be of any assistance
with your research, please
don't hesitate to call me.
[Jackie]
That's very kind. Thank you.
I'm sorry. Mr. Becket cannot
be disturbed before 11:00.
This is his think time.
He told me to interrupt him
whenever I needed his help,
and I need it now.
I'm sorry.
It's out of the question.
You may leave your name
or come back later.
Or whatever you'd like.
Oh, hello. I didn't know
we'd be seeing each other again so soon.
I need a small favor.
If you'd rather, I'll come back later.
No, no, no, no.
Please come in. Hold my calls.
- Your dog?
- Sort of.
- Cute.
- [Browning] And fluffy.
- Please, have a seat.
- Thank you.
Well, what can I do for you?
[Sighs]
Maybe nothing. I don't know.
Scotland Yard has impounded
Patricia Elliot's flat...
and I need very much
to take a look at her client files.
[Browning] I can't stand it.
Montanero has left his droppings
all over this place.
[Jackie] I just need the names
and addresses and phone numbers.
And, well, I thought maybe you might know
someone who knew someone.
[Becket] Oh, I see. Malcolm,
would you come in, please?
[On Intercom]
Yes, sir.
My assistant is good
at this sort of thing. He can
probably come up with something.
Miss Howard,
this is Malcolm Bart.
- Yes, I met Mr. Bart at the gallery.
- Nice to see you again.
Did you enjoy the show?
Yes. It was,
um, different.
Miss Howard is writing a book
about Quimby, Patricia Elliot
and that detective.
The murders
and all that.
Yes, I know.
She told me yesterday.
[Browning]
Wait a minute.
Jeffrey said she was
somewhere in Switzerland, but, uh...
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Jeffrey On Tape]
Montanero was one of her favorites.
It was she who gave him
his start when she bought
his matched pair, Adam and Eve.
You met her in Switzerland. She said
she found you schussing down the slopes.
I want to buy protection
for someone.
[Browning] You wanted to buy
a motive, you son of a bitch.
But why?
Then there should be no problem.
I should have an answer by tomorrow.
Good. Check with me
around mid-morning. We should
know where we are by then.
[Browning] And anything won'th seeing
will be gone by then, right?
Well, I really appreciate it.
I just hope I can return the favor.
No return necessary,
Miss Howard.
- It's my pleasure.
- Thank you.
B.J., come on.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
- [Barking]
- [Crashing]
[Freddie]
Will you cut that out?
[Browning]
Sorry. Didrt recognize the tail.
[Freddie]
Smooth talker.
[Clattering]
Adam and Eve.
No question about it.
Just like I've always
pictured them.
Now, what am I looking for
and where would it be?
Hello.
I'd forgotten about
the self-closing closet.
Somebody had to
be in there.
Bart.
That's why.
No wonder he's crazy.
He watched a dog
make a phone call.
Terrific. Why couldn't his name
be Alistair Zookey?
[Door Lock Clicks]
[Inales]
[Door Closes]
- [Floor Creaks]
- [Light Switch Clicks]
I'm sorry, Mr. Browning.
I didn't mean to startle you.
Mr. Higgins.
What are you doing here?
Why don't you stand up?
Hands. All right!
Higgins, I love ya.
You don't know how much I needed this.
I'm afraid it's only temporary.
Just while I'm here.
Makes it easier
for conversation.
Should have known. You haven't
answered my question. Why are you here?
I thought you would like to know
about the mix-up.
No Becket.
There was something in here
and that creep took it.
- What mix-up?
- It's highly unusual...
and I don't understand
how it happened, but...
the clerk at R.R.D.D.
Gave you a limited returnable.
It has to be back
by noon tomorrow.
That bitch!
All she wants is...
Please, Mr. Browning.
We understand the problem.
We just haven't been able to find
the proper solution.
Well, I'm not it,
and I'm not leaving till I finish.
I'm afraid you have
little choice...
unless you want to remain here
until the dog's natural termination time.
I don't believe this.
Things are just beginning to happen.
- Pieces are finally fitting together.
- I am sorry, Mr. Browning.
This is not a time for confession.
This is a time for action.
Go get me an extension or something.
Now I gotta run.
Turn the lights off
when you leave.
[Phone Ringing]
- [Groans]
- [Rings]
Hello?
- What?
- I said I have your dog.
It seems the security guard
found him wandering the halls last night.
That's the one...
cute and fluffy...
[Browning]
Kiss my scooper.
Fine.
[Woman On Intercom] Mr. Becket.
Your 9:00 appointment is here.
Thank you. When Miss Howard arrives,
her dog will be in Bart's office.
Oh, God.
I really don't need this aggravation.
[Sighs] I can hardly even rest.
Can't get my book written.
And now I'm even
talking to myself.
[Papers Rustling]
- [Bart] Good morning, Nancy.
- Good morning.
Oh, Mr. Bart.
Mr. Becket asked
that you join him.
He wants you to meet
the ambassador.
[Knocks]
There's gotta be something
incriminating around here.
Something tangible
I could show somebody.
Sheesh. Normal, everyday business.
I don't get it.
[Scoffs] Wonder what he'd do
if one ofhis birthday presents
was a bloody kitchen knife.
Hey.!
B.J., are you in there?
Mr. Bart.
- [Thud]
- Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did B.J. Do all this?
He's been nothing but trouble
ever since the first time...
Oh! Is today
Mr. Becket's birthday?
- I think you'd better go.
- Maybe he'd like a dog for a present.
Oh. You know,
I'm really very sorry about all this.
Hello, Jackie.
Oh, I'm just so embarrassed.
L-I hope we haven't been
too much trouble.
Oh, no real trouble.
Malcolm should have an answer
from Scotland Yard this morning.
Why don't we meet for lunch
and I'll give you the verdict?
- Thank you. I'd love to.
- Good.
How about Chez Rivien at 12:30?
Perfect. I'll buy you
a birthday drink.
Birthday drink?
- Yes. Isn't today your birthday?
- Not even close.
My birthday's March the 3rd.
Three-three.
Oh, uh...
[Scoffs]
I thought I saw a note in there.
I must have misread it.
So, I'll buy you
a non-birthday drink.
I accept.
- [Browning] Thanks a lot, Hermione.
- Do be careful, Mr. Browning.
You know we're not in
one of the better parts of our London.
Bloody nutcase.
[Browning] So, what does this place
have to do with Becket's birthday?
Which was six months ago.
Or six months from now,
depending on how you want to look at it.
Probably nothing.
That's stupid.
It's gotta mean something.
What would Bart make a note
about a birthday a half a year
from the day in question?
Post office.
Becket's birthday. Nah.
Why not?
Because it's too obvious, that's why.
Not necessarily.
Someone would have to see
Bart's calendar and know
Becket's birthday was March 3...
come down here
and find a post office box...
and then put
two and two together.
Or in this case
three and three.
We're going to lunch, Pop.
I said, "We're going
to lunch, Pop.!"
- Right.
- [Chuckles]
[Yelps]
Ah, you bastard!
Hello in there!
Can anyone help me?
I need help!
Is anyone in there!
[Growling, Barks, Yelps]
Stop that animal!
I said, "Stop that animal!"
"Stamps with animals"?
Yes, I believe we do.
But you don't
have to shout.
[Spitting Sound]
Uh-huh.
What the hell is it?
Come on. I refuse to believe
that the people I'm dealing with
are that redundant.
Why the hell would anyone
write "ALP" on an alp?
That lovey-dovey stuff
goes on pendants.
Like, uh,
"I'm yours forever,"
or "Andy loves Polly," or...
or "Alistair loves Patricia."
Bingo.!
I know somewhere around here
I saw a police photo of the bodies.
Now where the hell was it?
Was she wearing that thing
when I found her?
I can't remember.
Come on, Browning, think.
But did she have it on
in that damn police photo?
I don't think so.
So, someone took it off her
before that picture was taken.
Bart or Becket himself.
Okay, Alistair loved Patricia.
For at least a year
in Switzerland is my guess.
Which explains the rumors,
the painting and the statues.
But Alistair had a family
and a political career.
Patricia could ruin both.
Especially being engaged to Becket's
number one political opponent.
So, poof, no more Patricia.
But how do I prove it?
I wonder how Becket would react...
if a dog showed up with his pendant
hanging out of his mouth?
Simple.
He'd kill the dog.
Not if the dog showed up
in the middle oflunch
at an elegant French restaurant.
- [Doorman] Miss Howard?
- [Barks]
Oh, I shall be right up.
Maybe I should wait
and try to getJackie involved.
Nah. Too dangerous.
- [Lock Unlocking]
- Huh, that was quick.
- And then to Harrod's
to pick up a brace of pheasants.
- Yes, mum.
- I must have it for the party.
- Yes, mum.
You know how
Jonathan loves it.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Screaming]
[Horn Honks]
[Women Screaming]
Great. Now what?
Now back to heaven,
Mr. Browning.
I'm afraid
your time is up.
I told you...
I told you before,
I'm not going back until I'm through.
You sent me down here to do a job,
and I'm staying till it's finished.
Now go work it out.
Hi. I was a pelican.
What were you?
Jesus Christ.
Really?
Did... Did... Did a little
brown dog run back here?
Sure did.
Damndest thing
I've ever seen.
This couldn't be
a real dog.
He came running
into this alley...
he hit that barrel,
that can back there...
and he went
right up the wall.
Straight up the wall, and he just...
just kept going right up into the sky.
[Scoffs]
Like Superman or something.
You think I'm crazy,
don't you?
F-Forget what I just said.
Look. Don't tell anybody. I knew
you wouldn't believe me. Hello, sir?
Just forget I said...
said anything about it.
[Snickers]
May never be the same.
Mr. Browning?
There is no more time.
Either you come back
with me now, or you're gonna have...
Look. Could you guarantee
that everything down here is
gonna work out if I go back?
We don't have that kind
of control, Mr. Browning.
You know the Doctrine
of Free Will.
It's a big thing
with the Boss.
Then tell the Boss
I'll see him later.
There's a guy in jail and a lovely lady
depending on a little dog we all know.
Now, I got a luncheon date.
Gotta go.
[Barks]
#[Violin]
That's fine.
Thank you.
I can understand the excitement
which must surround the writing
of one's first book...
but I can't help but wonder
why you chose this subject.
- Actually, it was my publisher's idea.
- Your publisher?
Mr. Becket, would you mind terribly
signing this for my little girl?
Not at all.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Oh!
- Your publisher's idea?
- Yes, he's a close friend, and he's...
Alistair, great speech.
I'm behind you on every point.
- Thanks, Bob. I'm sorry.
- You're very popular.
Yes, you keep saying that.
- So, you didn't know
Patricia Elliot at all.
- No, I never met her.
- Or Quimby-Charles?
- No.
Not until after I interviewed him
after the murders.
Well, anyway, my publisher
has said for years that he was
going to do this for me...
as soon as the right subject came along,
something really commercial.
For him, this was topical
and had sex, sex, sex.
For me, it seemed to be about
some really interesting people.
But if you didn't know the people,
how did you know they were...
Where did you come from?
- What is that?
- I have no idea.
Yes, indeed.
I suspected as much.
I beg your pardon?
The big prize.
Get Alistair Becket.
He's getting too close to the top.
Show no mercy.
- How much are they paying you?
- Who?
- What the hell are you...
- What kind of a person does this
with someone else's life?
You certainly showed
no compassion and no integrity.
The little games you play.
What was Patricia Elliot really like?
What drove Patricia Elliot?
What were
her great passions?
Why didn't you have the guts
to say what you knew...
instead of sneaking around,
picking at the edges to see if I'd crack?
It's true, you know.
It wasrt playtime.
I really loved her.
You killed her.
What?
You killed her.
- You killed Patricia Elliot.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, Miss Howard.
Alistair didn't kill
Patricia Elliot.
- I did.
- [Jackie] What?
I had to.
I spent 12 years
getting you ready...
and she could have
ruined everything.
One word from her to Quimby-Charles
about Switzerland...
and we'd be through,
you and I.
I couldn't let that happen.
You will be prime minister.
England needs you.
It was all too important.
And it was all... perfect.
If it hadrt been
for that dog.
This was my souvenir,
in case you ever doubted my loyalty...
or my value to you.
It was safely away
in a post office box, until...
He's the devil, you know.
He is.
He came here to stop us,
you and me...
from being prime minister.
Well, he stopped me.
But he won't stop you.
He won't stop anything
anymore.
- No!
- [Gunshot]
- [Clamoring]
- Oh, God, no.
[Jackie's Voice]
Dreadful photograph, don't you think?
I can't stand it. I see her face.
Now I'm even hearing her voice.
[Jackie's Voice]
For goodness sake, don'tjump.!
- Jackie?
- Nice to meet you.
- Officially, that is.
- Yahoo!
I can't believe this.
How did you get back here as a cat?
Well, I wasrt about to let you be
the martyr in this situation.
You stayed down here for me.
The least I could do was to
come back and keep you company.
And none to soon. A fine mess
you would have left me in
if you jumped in the river.
Oh, I would never have done that.
I'm a coward at heart.
Well, now that we're on
the same level, so to speak,
what do you want me to call you?
Benjamin, B.J.
Or... or what?
Not Benjamin.
I hate it.
B.J. Or some of my friends
used to call me Benji.
Better stick with B.J.
You're not the, uh, Benji type.
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
#[Continues]
#[Ends]
[Thunderclap]
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
[Sneezes]
Whoa-oh. Hey!
Miss? Miss? Miss?
I was here first.
[Shouting, Sneezes]
Taxi!
[Whistles]
Look. Look. Look, look, look!
The light!
- #[Continues]
- [Horn Honking]
#[Singing Ends]
[Horn Honking]
- Hi, sailor. Want a ride?
- Freddie, you're a godsend.
I've been telling you
that for years.
- Your sunroof work?
- Benjamin, it's raining!
You must have noticed.
You're all pruney.
That's not the half of it.
I can't get my umbrella closed.
- My God! How awful.
- I'm learning to live with it.
Yeah, I bet it's not easy.
People can be so cruel.
[Benjamin] How would you know?
Your umbrella folds up.
Umbrellas aren't the only
prejudices people have, you know?
- Uh, Freddie.
- Sorry.
I was just reaching
for the gearshift.
[Horn Honks]
[Horn Honking]
[Tires Screeching]
Are you sure?
It wouldn't take a minute to whip around
the block and get ya right to the door.
Freddie, somewhere out there
the angel of death's just been cheated...
and I have a feeling
he's really pissed, and I'm not
gonna give him a second chance.
Wait a minute!
You're not driving
with an amateur, Benjamin.
I'm a professional racer,
for God's sake.
Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't you
and I go into business together...
selling off shares
of your life insurance
premium?
Benjamin, your taste
is in your navel.
- How about a grand's won'th, just for me?
- Kiss off!
- [Woman Gasps]
- [Grunts]
[Freddie]
Anybody hurt?
I guess not.
I'm sorry.
- [Tires Screeching]
- No, it was my fault.
- I was running far too fast.
- No, I shouldn't have stepped
back without looking that way.
Oh, is this your...
Uh, it's okay.
I won't need it
when it stops raining.
- Could you give me a...
- Oh.
Sorry.
Oh!
Thanks for saving this.
It's a crystal wine decanter.
It's the least I could do after
dumping you in that puddle.
- You're an American.
- You're not.
Well, thanks for everything.
Say, uh...
If you're not doing
anything tonight...
Oh, uh, I'll be in Paris.
How 'bout
when you get back?
Why not?
My name's Jackie Howard.
L... I work for Time Europe.
Call me on Friday.
I'll call ya Friday.
#[Man Singing]
- #[Continues]
- [Sneezes]
#[Ends]
Oh, Mr. Browning.
Just look at you!
Oh, Mr. Browning.
Just look at you!
You're wet from head to toe.
- You're bound to catch pneumonia.
- [Sneezes]
I already have pneumonia, Margaret.
What about the phone call?
Well, if it hadrt sounded
terribly important, you know
I wouldn't have called you.
- I know.
- He insisted that he see you
today, but he wouldn't say why.
I tried desperately to find out,
but he wouldn't even tell me his name...
only that the meeting
was important and terribly urgent.
Mm-hmm. Okay,
why don't you go on to lunch.
Oh, here.
It's raining.
Do you want to have it
re-covered again?
No, I think it's all over.
Take it out and shoot it.
Orthodox funeral?
[Chuckles] Not bad, Margaret.
Orthodox funeral.
Pretty good.
#[Man Singing]
[Sighs]
[Coughing]
#[Continues]
#[Singing Ends]
[Coughing]
[Man]
Benjamin Browning?
My name is Quimby-Charles.
I spoke with your secretary.
Have a...
Have a seat.
Have a rather bad cold
I'm nursing.
I'm not doing
a very good job at it.
What can I do for you?
I want to buy protection
for someone.
I see.
Hmm?
The primary complication,
as I see it, Mr. Charles, is that I'm
not in the protection business.
I'm an investigator.
Perhaps I can recommend
a good security, uh, service for you.
I want you, Mr. Browning...
because I know you'll do it right,
and I know you'll be discreet.
You, uh...
You know my work?
[Chuckles]
I know your work permit.
It would be a shame if it were
not renewed just when you were
beginning to do so well.
[Coughs]
Are you in, uh, organized crime?
I'm in Parliament.
Six of one.
This is her name
and address.
I have reason to believe
she's in serious danger.
I'd like you
to start immediately.
- A her, huh?
- No questions, Mr. Browning.
Just protection.
The threat should be over
within a few days, a week at the most.
I'll contact you.
Can I borrow your umbrella?
[Horn Honks]
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Hello?
Is anybody home?
Hello?
[Clears Throat]
Hello?
Miss Elliot?
Jesus.!
[Creaking]
No, young fella,
I'm afraid there's no mistake.
According to your file here,
that was definitely your N.T.T.
What's an N.T.T.?
- [Computer Buzzes]
- Natural Termination Time.
Now if you'll
just sign here.
[Beeping]
- What am I signing?
- You're acknowledging
that you are dead...
and you agree to all
the terms and conditions thereof.
Oh. I was afraid
of something like that.
- I don't feel dead.
- A mere technicality, Mr. Browning.
You are definitely D.A.D.
- D.A.D.?
- Dead as a doornail.
That paper
makes it official.
[Beeping]
Unfortunately,
you are also Marginal Material.
[Keys Clacking]
Anyway, my name is Mr. Higgins
and I'm your counselor.
- [Whooshing]
- We had it before Star Wars.
You are currently at the
Intermediate Destination
Evaluation Facility...
where it will be determined
whether or not...
you will go up
to your Ultimate Reward...
or down
to Eternal Damnation.
To help us
make this determination...
- [Computer Sliding Out]
- You will be given...
a Final Assessment Assignment
before moving on.
And that means
you have to go back.
Go back?
Your Final
Assessment Assignment...
is to go back and solve
your own murder.
Solve my own murder?
This is not a wedding ceremony,
Mr. Browning.
You are not obligated
to repeat everything I say.
[Objects Splashing]
Apparently, an innocent man
has been charged with your murder...
as well as the murder
of a Miss Patricia Elliot.
- His name is Quimby-Charles.
- That's the man who hired me.
That's not the man
who hired me.
"Socialite and lover"?
That son of a bitch set me up.
Please watch your language, Mr. Browning.
Remember where you are.
Take this down
to R.R.D. D...
- which is the second door
on the left, down the hall.
- What's it for?
For a Returnable. You certainly
can't go back in your own body.
Ah.
- Why not?
- It has a hole in it.
Oh.
[Door Whooshing]
- Where's the door?
- Please sit down, Mr. Browning.
I just...
[Pod Engine Revving]
[Man Over P.A.]
A message for new arrivals.
This is the last day to register
for the stained glass class.
And don't forget,
you ultra-sports...
Coach Diogenes is still looking
for a few good volleyball players.
Flight number.
Welcome, and
just follow the red line.
[Man Over P.A.] Oh, I forgot to tell ya.
Due to lack of interest...
the Astral Projection
Society...
has canceled tonight's
screening of Halos for Heroes.
Just follow that red line.
- I've been there. People
have been sending me there.
- Follow the red line!
How'd you die?
Well, um, I don't feel like discussing it.
It's kind of personal.
- [Woman] Next.
- My vacuum cleaner.
Computer
identification number.
- Pardon?
- I said, computer identification number.
Uh, I didn't know
I had one.
- [Gasps]
- BJ B779.
Seven months. Maybe six
if you're not picky about sex. Next?
Hold it! Hold it.
You don't understand.
I have to go back now.
Today. Right now.
- If these bastards would write
so somebody could read it.
- [Man] Follow that red line.
Mr. Higgins thinks you should
watch your language up here.
You wanna know
what Mr. Higgins can do?
- I don't think so. No.
- [Man]Just follow the red line.
An immediate return
means an L.G.R.
L.G.R.?
Lower Grade Returnable.
Ah, anthropoid...
bovine, equine, rodent...
- Excuse me. Miss? Hello?
- Marsupial, pachyderm...
- crustacean, canine.
- Excuse me. Wait a minute.
Those are animals.
I'm not going back as an animal.
I want a person.
I have an assignment.
I have to solve a murder and get
an innocent man out of jail.
- Now how can I do that as an animal?
- I have a dog.
Small mongrel due to be hit
by a garbage truck in 45 seconds.
I want to see Mr. Higgins. He didn't say
anything to me about animals.
Mr. Higgins suggested
you go back as a rat.
That bastard.
I just love the way
you say that.
- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- You come with me into the back room.
- We're going to make sure you
don't go back to Earth...
- Can I use a phone?
- Hey, what about...
- as a little old rat.
- What about the garbage truck?
- Oh, I'm sure there'll be
another one along soon.
You're not really in that much
of a hurry, are you?
Yes. I'm in a hurry.
Big hurry. Very big hurry.
The garbage truck.
Right now. Right away. For sure.
- Can we do that?
- All right.
But I'll be waiting for you
when you get back.
- Uh-uh-uh.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles]
[Truck Horn Honking]
[Truck Horn Honking]
[Browning, Thinking]
Holy shit!
That was close.
Jesus, that was close!
Well, l... [Grunts]
Great.
It's amazing how much bigger
everything is from down here.
Well, not everything.
[Chuckles]
[Sneezing]
That's terrific.
They left me the cold.
Probably have worms too.
Ah, cute and fluffy to the rescue.
How the hell am I
gonna get around London?
Wait a minute.
This doesn't look like London.
It looks like... Paris!
- How the hell am I gonna get to London?
- [Car Door Closes]
I'll call you tonight. Will you be
in London or the country house?
- [Woman] London.
- Sorry.
- [Jackie] Do you know my new number?
- Yes.
But remember, Jackie, sex, sex, sex,
or it won't sell 10 copies.
Just get the contracts drawn.
We'll talk about sex later.
Don't tease me, Jackie.
You know how I feel about you.
- Like a father.
- I'll try and remember that.
Bernie.
You're giving me a fantastic opportunity.
I really appreciate it.
Just write a good book.
I'll call you tonight.
[Jackie] Don't you come making up to me.
I don't like dogs that bite.
[Thinking Continues] You tried
to throw me out. What choice did I have?
- What am I going to do with you?
- Well, we could...
Uh, not that,
or we could be in deep perverted trouble.
Thank you.
Thank you.
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
#[Singing Ends]
What does
BJ B779 mean, hmm?
If I could talk, I'd tell ya, but you
wouldn't believe it, so it doesn't matter.
- How about if I just
call you B.J. For short?
- Don't say "short."
I'm pretty sensitive
about my height.
[Benjamin] This is perfect.
You're headed right where I need to go.
Just take a left
at the next street, and...
Excuse me.
Uh, the other left.
Ah. Give me a break.
Think about my short, stubby little legs
and how tired they're gonna be...
if they have to walk
all the way across London.
Now, one more chance. Take a left
right here and we'll still be all right.
Okay, that did it.
I can see that we're
gonna have to separate.
Not that I want to, mind you. I mean,
we've hardly given it a fair chance...
but I've got this job to do and,
anyway, what can it all come to?
Another time,
another place.
Let's face it. I'm a dog now
and you're still a person.
Granted, one of the
most wonderful persons I've ever known...
but, I mean, really,
what can it come to?
You don't happen to know
any foxy little poodles, do you?
Miss Howard. Did you have a nice trip?
How was Paris?
Terrific. Warm for this time
of year, actually.
Oh, would you get my suitcase
from the boot and I'll get the dog. B.J.?
- B. J...!
- Please. This is
hard enough without tears.
One lousy left turn. She couldn't
make one left turn. All right.
What is this?
Great.
Pink scarf. Why do women
insist on doing things like this?
What am I gonna do with this?
Untie it?
I'm having enough of an identity crisis
without some womars pink scarf.
- Okay. Now we're looking good.
- [Bus Rumbling]
Racist.
[Sighs]
Well, here goes nothing.
Oh, hi. Maybe you remember me.
I was killed here.
[Groans]
Thank you.
Enjoyed it.
A simple "no" would have been just fine.
Two for two.
So much for the direct approach.
Wait a minute.
There's gotta be another way.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
# Once there was a way #
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
That's it.
[Barking]
Wait a minute. I like cats.
At least I used to.
[Freddie Thinking] Oh, it's you.
Higgins told me you were coming.
- I know that voice. I know that voice.
- It's me, dummy.
Kitty, kitty.
I'm a Returnable too.
Freddie?
- I'm afraid so.
- You mean I can hear you think?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
But then doesn't
everybody up there?
- What happened?
- Oh, you won't believe this...
but about six blocks
from where I left you the other day...
I took this shortcut through
this one-way alley, and, well...
I never guessed a truck that big
could get into an alley that small.
My car looks like
a bottle cap.
They had to take me
to the Returnable desk in a baggy.
- Uh-huh.
- Anyway, Patricia Elliot's
kitchen window...
is the one with
the porcelain albatross on the sill.
- Freddie.
- The latch is broken, so there's
no problem getting in.
- No, Freddie.
- I went up there to steal some
food from her refrigerator.
A little bitey-poo?
But everything's rotted since she died.
Well, I gotta run.
- I just love your big brown eyes.
- Mm-hmm. Good-bye, Freddie.
Maybe I'll see ya later.
If you see Higgins, tell him
never mind about sending the rats.
I tried one of them
and I just don't like 'em.
That is truly awful.
This lady is very unusual.
Was very unusual.
I wish I had some idea
what I was looking for.
Where are the people?
I need pictures of people.
Hmph.
She was killed on the 15th.
So why is this thing turned to the 16th?
Uh-huh. There is no 15th.
That page is missing.
I need a clue.
And a pair of hands.
Higgins, you are an asshole.
Ah. Now we're
getting somewhere.
# Phone numbers are the things
leads are made of #
246-8026.
Okay. Two...
Two, six...
Two. Shit.
Thanks for the fingers.
Oh, okay.
The old pencil
in the mouth trick.
Two, uh...
[Line Ringing]
- [Man] Needham Gallery.
- Never heard of it.
Hello?
This is the Needham Gallery.
Hello? Hello?
- [Barks]
- I beg your pardon?
Hello? Hello?
Why are you breathing so hard?
Is this an obscene phone...
Well, it's a start.
I wonder where the Needham Gallery is.
Must be a phone book
around here somewhere. That's funny.
- I don't remember...
- [Door Opens]
[Man] And I'm not at all sure
that I should be doing this.
I can't afford any trouble
from Scotland Yard.
I've already had to increase
my security budget on this thing.
My tenants are on edge, and
I just want it all to go away.
Surely you can understand that.
I mean, if there's anything amiss,
I know they'll make a big fuss.
[Jackie]
Mr. Easton, please.
I assure you I'll leave nothing amiss.
I'll be very quick.
You have absolutely nothing
to be concerned about.
B.J.?
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God.
I had no idea she had a dog.
All animals are supposed
to be registered with the office.
Scotland Yard will think
I was withholding something.
- I don't think so.
- I beg your pardon?
- I don't think he belonged
to Patricia Elliot.
- He's here in a locked flat.
- How could you conclude otherwise?
- He was in Paris this morning.
Surely you're mistaken.
How could a dog get from Paris to London?
- I brought him.
- Then he's your dog.
- No, he isn't.
- Then he must be Miss Elliot's.
- No, I don't think so.
- I'm afraid I don't understand.
- I don't either.
- That makes three of us.
- I wish you could talk.
- That's not the half of what I wish.
- Where's my pink scarf?
- Excuse me?
- Nothing.
- I'm having it Martinized.
Are you working this story for,
what, the Enquirer, or...
I'll call Scotland Yard
and see if they want me to
send him to the animal shelter.
- Animal shelter?
- The slammer.
Well, why don't I
just take him home with me?
Oh, my goodness, no.
That would be impossible.
One doesn't deceive Scotland Yard
and get away with it.
They may not
believe me even now.
But I'd rather face the music today
with an honest mistake...
than tomorrow with deception
written all over my face.
I just couldn't.
Oh, my.
[Sighs]
I loved that chair.
[Margaret Crying]
Hello, Margaret.
Cancel everything for the rest of the day
and take all calls.
I'm gonna do
some thinking.
- [Sobs]
- [Jackie] Excuse me.
Um, is Mr...
Mr. Shackleton in?
I'm Mr. Shackleton.
Mr. Browning always thought it looked
better to have two names on the door.
He said ours
had a nice...
ring... together.
Look. I'm sorry, uh...
I know this is
a terrible time...
but I just wanted to
ask you a few questions.
And I'd like to see
Mr. Browning's office...
if... if that's
at all possible.
Oh.! I'm writing a book.
Or rather I'm going to write
a book about what happened.
Or rather why it happened.
It's my fault, you know.
It's all my fault.
The man on the telephone
made it sound so urgent...
l... I thought I was doing
the right thing...
but Mr. Browning wasrt even coming in
that morning until I called him.
He was in bed with
a... terrible cold.
You can't blame yourself.
Yes, I can.
- I'm sure it would have happened anyway.
- [Sobs]
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that quite...
Is this Mr. Browning?
- Oh, my God.
- What's the matter?
I know him.
Uh, knew him.
- What's your name?
- Jackie Howard.
I'm afraid
that's impossible.
- My name?
- That you knew him. You'd be in the book.
Oh! No,
we only just met.
It must have been
the day that he was...
It was pouring with rain
and, uh, and I was chasing for this bus...
and-and we sort
of collided.
He was carrying this really funny
little red umbrella...
which I managed to fall on top of
and totally demolish.
- [Sobs]
- Oh!
I didn't even know his name.
- You'd like to see his office?
- Oh, I'd like that.
He wanted people to think
he was hard and unyielding...
but he was just
a puppy at heart.
- I don't believe it.
- Oh, it's true.
Is this your dog?
Miss Howard?
- You're beginning to drive me crazy.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- What are you doing here?
- I needed some cough medicine.
What are you doing here?
This isn't cough medicine.
It's brandy.
So I lied.
You may be a better story
than the one I'm writing.
I, uh, think I am
the one you're writing.
Miss Howard?
Are you all right?
Uh...
You have no idea
how strange this is.
I see.
Well, everywhere I go,
he turns up.
I was here first.
- Does he have something
to do with your book?
- No.
Yes. Wait a minute. Book?
I thought you wrote for Time?
No, the book is...
Well, it's not so much
about the actual murders themselves.
It's about the lives
of three people.
Their feelings,
their emotions...
the events that
brought them together, and...
and eventually led
to such a tragic end.
Why... Why, for example...
would a socially prominent
designer and art aficionada...
who's engaged to
a prominent member of Parliament...
be having an affair
with an un-prominent...
struggling private detective?
He wasrt struggling.
And there was no affair.
The newspapers made that up.
He didn't even know
Patricia Elliot.
Unless, like you...
he met her that...
that day.
How do you know?
Because she wasrt
on the list.
What... What list was that?
I kept a list of Mr. Browning's
current lady friends.
It wasrt a list.
It was just a couple of names.
In... In case
something turned up.
I could always reach him
at any hour of the day, or...
or whenever I needed to.
I see.
- Would you like to see it?
- Yes!
I need to talk to anyone, who ever knew
any one of the three involved.
Oh, yeah? Me too.
You mind if I, uh...
And if you're planning any more surprises,
after I leave here, I'm going home.
Stanley Towers.
You know where that is.
Well, the label says
it has everything you need
for a happy and healthy life.
I'm gonna be sick.
- Well, go on. Eat it.
- Eat it? I wouldn't sit in it.
It's that or nothing.
Do you wanna bet?
Yuck.
[British Accent] Oh, jolly good.
Now I'll have a proper meal.
Good wine.
[Water Running]
[Normal Voice]
If that's what I think it is...
Oh-ho.
I'm gonna turn around,
go back to the kitchen and eat my dinner.
- [Water Splashes]
- Later.
- Yee-ha!
- [Water Splashes]
[Sneezing]
- Serves you right.
- No regrets.
Mr. Charles,
thank you for seeing me.
Miss Howard.
How did you manage that?
Dogs are not allowed.
Seems they had an unfortunate
experience with one that
liked to eat prison officers.
I have special permission.
That's why we have so much company.
I had hoped
you might recognize him.
- Why ever would you hope that?
- There was reason
to believe that he, um...
he belonged
to Patricia Elliot.
Patricia didn't have a dog.
Why would you think she did?
I found him locked up
in her apartment.
Miss Howard,
there is a condition to this interview.
Oh?
Yes.
My spies tell me that
you are a good writer, an honest writer.
And most importantly, a thorough writer.
You do a lot of research.
I try.
If I consent to this interview,
I want my lawyers to have access
to that research.
Notes, tapes, photographs.
Anything that pertains to the case.
Why wasrt I told this before
I went to the trouble to come here?
Because I wanted you
to hear the reason why from me.
Well, that much
you've accomplished.
I'm listening.
I didn't kill Patricia Elliot.
I want both to clear myself of that charge
and to have the guilty party found.
Your research might inadvertently
turn up something that would help.
It's as simple as that.
Your fingerprints were found
on the murder weapon.
It was a kitchen knife.
I did most of the cooking.
Then you... Then you
were living with her?
I spent a great deal
of time there.
How did you meet her?
The condition, Miss Howard.
I agree.
Good. I have only
one more question.
Is he always so attentive
to conversations?
[Jackie] But you were to be
the next prime minister.
[Quimby] It was possible.
If the old man stepped down...
and if the party
remained in power.
The way things are,
both are big "ifs."
[Jackie]
Especially, uh, if you're convicted.
As I said, Miss Howard,
I did most of the cooking.
I did none of the killing.
Well, so far my research
can be summarized as follows.
I am told that Quimby-Charles
is innocent of killing Patricia Elliot...
who wasrt having an affair
with a private detective,
who didn't even know her.
Well, if that's all true,
then I don't have a story.
If I don't have a story,
then I have no book.
And if I have no book,
then it's back to Time magazine.
I just want the little person
inside this machine to know
that that really pisses me off.
That was a really shitty thing
to say, wasrt it?
Yeah.
But, uh, on the money.
[Grunts]
Check the oil?
All right. The phone number
on the calendar.
Interesting how great minds
work together.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hey!
What are you closing the window for?
It's not raining.
- I'm afraid you'll just have
to sit this one out, kid.
- What?
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm an art lover.
Mr. Edgeware? I'm Jacqueline Howard.
I spoke to you on the phone.
- Oh, yes. About Miss Elliot.
- Yes.
- Would you like some champagne?
- Mmm.
She always attended our showings.
Oh, look at that.
[Continues Indistinctly]
And this one on your left. Montanero
was one of her favorites, you know.
In fact, it was she
who gave him his start...
when she bought his matched pair
Adam and Eve.
I'll see you later. Hello.
Thank you for coming. Oh, here we are.
- Would you like to meet him?
- Yes, I would indeed.
Jeffrey!
Are you avoiding me?
Lady Chalmers, there you are.
[Chuckles]
I want you to meet Miss Howard.
She's writing a novel about
the Patricia Elliot tragedy.
Patricia was redecorating
Lady C.'s flat, uh, when...
Yes. She was right
in the middle of my vestibule.
I don't know what to do.
I'm bereft.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'll go and see if I can find
our artist while you ladies chat.
[Sighs]
Doesrt he use dreadful cologne?
Still, he never fails to
draw a glittering crowd.
Oh! Look!
The Octavia sisters.
Do you know about the Octavia sisters?
Of course you do.
Everybody knows
the Octavia sisters.
There's Pamela Natwick!
She came with two men.
- Do you happen to know Quimby-Charles?
- Darling.
- I know everyone.
- [Sneezing]
What was that?
[Sneezing]
Oh.! A dog.!
[Chuckles]
That makes two of us.
Now, you embarrass me
one more time...
and you're going to find your cute,
fluffy little tail...
Iocked up in the nearest
animal shelter.
Got it?
Sure you have.
Jesus.
I don't like being cute.
I don't like being fluffy.
And I want some friggir hands.
Anyway, I could count on selling
at least one of my pieces every
time she did someone's flat.
And then, quite suddenly,
she just dropped out of sight.
But, uh...
why don't we discuss it
over cocktails?
Please continue.
I really should get back
to my mingling.
That's what I'm supposed to do
at these things. You know, mingle.
What do you mean,
she just dropped out of sight?
I'm sorry. I really must,
uh, pull myself away.
Shall we say late,
candlelit snack...
my place?
No. Let's say an early,
floodlit dinner at mine.
7:00?
Isn't he wonderful?
I'd just love to get
into his knickers.
Not so, of course,
with Lord Heathwit.
Still, he wants to meet you,
so it can't do any harm.
He's 27 th in line for the crown,
you know. Darling man.
Blows bubbles when he talks,
poor dear. Oh! Look!
Alistair Becket. He's going to be
the next prime minister, you know...
thanks to Quimby's
little indiscretion.
They're all so boring. It'll be so nice
to have someone who's good looking.
Now come along.
- Alistair! Good to see you again.
- Uh, yes.
Uh, Lady Chalmers.
We were introduced by Lady Alcott.
- Oh, of course.
- I believe you met her in Switzerland.
She said she found you
schussing down a slope.
That is the right word, isn't it,
"schussing"? Sounds so naughty.
Excuse me.
How do you do?
I'm Alistair Becket.
I know.
Oh, I do apologize.
This is Jacqueline Howard.
She's writing a book about Patricia
and Quimby and that detective.
Oh.
What kind of book?
But you don't have to understand it.
You just have to feel it.
I do feel it.
That's why we're leaving.
[Woman] I love it. I absolutely
love Montanero. I mean, really.
[Woman #2,
Speaking Indistinctly]
[Browning]
Swell.
[Woman]
I just can't put my finger on it.
[Man, Indistinct]
[Man] I mean, what is he...
I just don't understand.
Oh, yes. Mm-hmm.
Don't mind if I do.
I actually met her
at one of these showings.
She was, uh...
What the hell you looking at?
You've never seen me in this suit.
[Jackie]
B.J., come here.
- Is that your dog?
- On occasion.
Anyway, you were saying that you met
Patricia Elliot at one of these showings.
How long ago was that?
I'm terribly sorry.
I really must go.
Perhaps we can continue this
some other time.
Uh... Hey,
let go of me!
I've got to follow him. What's his name?
Who is that? Let go of my neck.
Hey, come on.!
Damn it.!
You're becoming more trouble
than you're won'th.
Now, when I tell you to stay somewhere,
you're either going to stay...
or we're going to have to
make some other arrangements.
Do you understand? Do you? Oh!
[Gasps]
[Barks]
What does it take to get thrown out
of this place? [Barks]
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God! Look!
[Browning]
Oh, shit.!
[Horn Honks]
Big, but dumb.
[Meows]
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were following me.
- What, me? A dog?
- Come here.
Following you? [Chuckles] Sorry.
I gotta be running along now.
[Yelps]
L-I'll see you later. Hey, let go!
Either this son of a bitch
is crazy, or he knows something.
Ooh, let go. You're strangling me.
I have the strangest feeling...
this could be
the end of the line, ooh, again.
- Hello.
- Dear sir, you let him go!
- [Yelling, Indistinct]
- Let me explain, ma'am.
He's gotta be crazy.
How could he know
anything?
- Either way, he's dangerous.
- [Dog Barks]
Oh, shit.
I don't need this.
[Jackie]
I just want a list ofher clients.
I won't touch anything
but the files. I promise.
I mean, you could even get
the lists for me.
I said, "No one,"
and that includes me.
They were very upset
about the dog getting away.
They've sealed the flat shut.
No one is allowed inside
until after the trial.
Dear Mom. It all started when I was
laying in bed with this cold.
Insomuch as you've probably
heard that sort of language
before, I shart repeat it.
Suffice it,
they said, "No."
Bernie, I need
that client list.
Then I suggest you find
someone who has friends in the Yard.
Insomuch as this is now on the
best-selling list, I only have enemies.
I saw
Quimby-Charles today.
So?
I think I believe
he's innocent.
Don't get distracted,
Jackie.
He's very convincing.
Of course.
He's a politician.
- It goes with the job.
- You're a cynic.
How could I possibly get to my age
without becoming one?
- Besides...
- I know.
- It goes with the job.
- [Laughs]
[Browning Sneezes]
Oh, hello.
If you're looking for Mr. Hoffa...
I believe he's in Detroit,
Chicago and Miami.
[Barks]
Well, easy for you to say.
George, have you seen that little dog
that was with me this morning?
No.
Is he lost again?
I haven't
the faintest idea.
If he turns up,
would you let him in and buzz me?
Oh, yes, sure.
[Browning] So, you see, it's...
it's just a matter of communication.
Even with vast differences
between two individuals, it's...
Oh, you know what I mean, man.
There could still be shared experiences,
a meeting of the minds.
[Laughs] And if you have a mind,
I'd certainly like to meet it.
Hey, uh, this is it. This is my place.
So, let's take a lunch together.
Maybe for business and so long.
Uh, close the door, George.
Close the door, please.
Where have you been?
Thank you.
Mm, God,
you smell awful.
Did you spend the day
in a rubbish dump?
Close. Who's the fruit
with the ear bob?
So, there was no one
special in her life.
Well, I cannot speak
for the year she was away.
But before and after
she played in the park.
- She did what?
- She, uh...
[Chuckles]
She saw many different men.
- Played the field.
- In the field, in the park.
Always someone else.
I am not that way.
I am, uh, monogamous.
You are, uh, ridiculous.
With me,
there can only be one.
[Barks]
Would you?
I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.
[Chuckles]
Go away.
You stink.
I told you to go away.
You're asking for it,
greasy.
[Clattering]
Hey!
What are you doing?
- [Head Thuds]
- [Groans]
Uh, nothing.
L-I dropped my napkin.
[Chuckles]
So, Patricia was gone for a year.
Do you know where she'd been?
Oh, she wouldn't speak of it. Jeffrey said
she was somewhere in Switzerland.
But, uh,
it was just a rumor.
How did she seem
when she finally turned up again?
I mean, was she
the same old Patricia?
I'm sorry.
I can't concentrate.
Being near you makes me feel...
I don't know.
Like I've never felt before.
I know, that sounds like a string.
- Line.
- A line. But it's not.
I'm being honest
with you.
I have such trouble
expressing my feelings.
But you, you make me
want to say things...
and do things.
It's a nice doggy.
[Becket's Voice]
Oh, thank you very much.
But I can't help but wonder
why you chose this subject.
[Jackie On Tape] Well, it's not
really the story of the tragedy itself...
but more the story
behind the tragedy.
- Whatever that is.
- [Becket] I beg your pardon?
[Jackie] Do you believe
Quimby-Charles is guilty?
[Becket] I suppose that question
is best left to a jury.
I actually hadrt
given it much thought.
[Jackie] Well, not to be impertinent,
Mr. Becket...
but that's a bit difficult
to believe.
Hasrt the affair, more or less,
guaranteed your trip
to Number 10 Downing Street?
[Becket] My, my, Miss Howard.
Propriety is not one of your virtues.
- [Jackie] My apologies.
- Accepted.
Now, how else can I help?
[Jackie]
Did you know Patricia Elliot?
[Becket] Not really.
Just passing acquaintances.
But we did know a lot of the same people,
so if I or my office...
can be of any assistance
with your research, please
don't hesitate to call me.
[Jackie]
That's very kind. Thank you.
I'm sorry. Mr. Becket cannot
be disturbed before 11:00.
This is his think time.
He told me to interrupt him
whenever I needed his help,
and I need it now.
I'm sorry.
It's out of the question.
You may leave your name
or come back later.
Or whatever you'd like.
Oh, hello. I didn't know
we'd be seeing each other again so soon.
I need a small favor.
If you'd rather, I'll come back later.
No, no, no, no.
Please come in. Hold my calls.
- Your dog?
- Sort of.
- Cute.
- [Browning] And fluffy.
- Please, have a seat.
- Thank you.
Well, what can I do for you?
[Sighs]
Maybe nothing. I don't know.
Scotland Yard has impounded
Patricia Elliot's flat...
and I need very much
to take a look at her client files.
[Browning] I can't stand it.
Montanero has left his droppings
all over this place.
[Jackie] I just need the names
and addresses and phone numbers.
And, well, I thought maybe you might know
someone who knew someone.
[Becket] Oh, I see. Malcolm,
would you come in, please?
[On Intercom]
Yes, sir.
My assistant is good
at this sort of thing. He can
probably come up with something.
Miss Howard,
this is Malcolm Bart.
- Yes, I met Mr. Bart at the gallery.
- Nice to see you again.
Did you enjoy the show?
Yes. It was,
um, different.
Miss Howard is writing a book
about Quimby, Patricia Elliot
and that detective.
The murders
and all that.
Yes, I know.
She told me yesterday.
[Browning]
Wait a minute.
Jeffrey said she was
somewhere in Switzerland, but, uh...
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Jeffrey On Tape]
Montanero was one of her favorites.
It was she who gave him
his start when she bought
his matched pair, Adam and Eve.
You met her in Switzerland. She said
she found you schussing down the slopes.
I want to buy protection
for someone.
[Browning] You wanted to buy
a motive, you son of a bitch.
But why?
Then there should be no problem.
I should have an answer by tomorrow.
Good. Check with me
around mid-morning. We should
know where we are by then.
[Browning] And anything won'th seeing
will be gone by then, right?
Well, I really appreciate it.
I just hope I can return the favor.
No return necessary,
Miss Howard.
- It's my pleasure.
- Thank you.
B.J., come on.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
- [Barking]
- [Crashing]
[Freddie]
Will you cut that out?
[Browning]
Sorry. Didrt recognize the tail.
[Freddie]
Smooth talker.
[Clattering]
Adam and Eve.
No question about it.
Just like I've always
pictured them.
Now, what am I looking for
and where would it be?
Hello.
I'd forgotten about
the self-closing closet.
Somebody had to
be in there.
Bart.
That's why.
No wonder he's crazy.
He watched a dog
make a phone call.
Terrific. Why couldn't his name
be Alistair Zookey?
[Door Lock Clicks]
[Inales]
[Door Closes]
- [Floor Creaks]
- [Light Switch Clicks]
I'm sorry, Mr. Browning.
I didn't mean to startle you.
Mr. Higgins.
What are you doing here?
Why don't you stand up?
Hands. All right!
Higgins, I love ya.
You don't know how much I needed this.
I'm afraid it's only temporary.
Just while I'm here.
Makes it easier
for conversation.
Should have known. You haven't
answered my question. Why are you here?
I thought you would like to know
about the mix-up.
No Becket.
There was something in here
and that creep took it.
- What mix-up?
- It's highly unusual...
and I don't understand
how it happened, but...
the clerk at R.R.D.D.
Gave you a limited returnable.
It has to be back
by noon tomorrow.
That bitch!
All she wants is...
Please, Mr. Browning.
We understand the problem.
We just haven't been able to find
the proper solution.
Well, I'm not it,
and I'm not leaving till I finish.
I'm afraid you have
little choice...
unless you want to remain here
until the dog's natural termination time.
I don't believe this.
Things are just beginning to happen.
- Pieces are finally fitting together.
- I am sorry, Mr. Browning.
This is not a time for confession.
This is a time for action.
Go get me an extension or something.
Now I gotta run.
Turn the lights off
when you leave.
[Phone Ringing]
- [Groans]
- [Rings]
Hello?
- What?
- I said I have your dog.
It seems the security guard
found him wandering the halls last night.
That's the one...
cute and fluffy...
[Browning]
Kiss my scooper.
Fine.
[Woman On Intercom] Mr. Becket.
Your 9:00 appointment is here.
Thank you. When Miss Howard arrives,
her dog will be in Bart's office.
Oh, God.
I really don't need this aggravation.
[Sighs] I can hardly even rest.
Can't get my book written.
And now I'm even
talking to myself.
[Papers Rustling]
- [Bart] Good morning, Nancy.
- Good morning.
Oh, Mr. Bart.
Mr. Becket asked
that you join him.
He wants you to meet
the ambassador.
[Knocks]
There's gotta be something
incriminating around here.
Something tangible
I could show somebody.
Sheesh. Normal, everyday business.
I don't get it.
[Scoffs] Wonder what he'd do
if one ofhis birthday presents
was a bloody kitchen knife.
Hey.!
B.J., are you in there?
Mr. Bart.
- [Thud]
- Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did B.J. Do all this?
He's been nothing but trouble
ever since the first time...
Oh! Is today
Mr. Becket's birthday?
- I think you'd better go.
- Maybe he'd like a dog for a present.
Oh. You know,
I'm really very sorry about all this.
Hello, Jackie.
Oh, I'm just so embarrassed.
L-I hope we haven't been
too much trouble.
Oh, no real trouble.
Malcolm should have an answer
from Scotland Yard this morning.
Why don't we meet for lunch
and I'll give you the verdict?
- Thank you. I'd love to.
- Good.
How about Chez Rivien at 12:30?
Perfect. I'll buy you
a birthday drink.
Birthday drink?
- Yes. Isn't today your birthday?
- Not even close.
My birthday's March the 3rd.
Three-three.
Oh, uh...
[Scoffs]
I thought I saw a note in there.
I must have misread it.
So, I'll buy you
a non-birthday drink.
I accept.
- [Browning] Thanks a lot, Hermione.
- Do be careful, Mr. Browning.
You know we're not in
one of the better parts of our London.
Bloody nutcase.
[Browning] So, what does this place
have to do with Becket's birthday?
Which was six months ago.
Or six months from now,
depending on how you want to look at it.
Probably nothing.
That's stupid.
It's gotta mean something.
What would Bart make a note
about a birthday a half a year
from the day in question?
Post office.
Becket's birthday. Nah.
Why not?
Because it's too obvious, that's why.
Not necessarily.
Someone would have to see
Bart's calendar and know
Becket's birthday was March 3...
come down here
and find a post office box...
and then put
two and two together.
Or in this case
three and three.
We're going to lunch, Pop.
I said, "We're going
to lunch, Pop.!"
- Right.
- [Chuckles]
[Yelps]
Ah, you bastard!
Hello in there!
Can anyone help me?
I need help!
Is anyone in there!
[Growling, Barks, Yelps]
Stop that animal!
I said, "Stop that animal!"
"Stamps with animals"?
Yes, I believe we do.
But you don't
have to shout.
[Spitting Sound]
Uh-huh.
What the hell is it?
Come on. I refuse to believe
that the people I'm dealing with
are that redundant.
Why the hell would anyone
write "ALP" on an alp?
That lovey-dovey stuff
goes on pendants.
Like, uh,
"I'm yours forever,"
or "Andy loves Polly," or...
or "Alistair loves Patricia."
Bingo.!
I know somewhere around here
I saw a police photo of the bodies.
Now where the hell was it?
Was she wearing that thing
when I found her?
I can't remember.
Come on, Browning, think.
But did she have it on
in that damn police photo?
I don't think so.
So, someone took it off her
before that picture was taken.
Bart or Becket himself.
Okay, Alistair loved Patricia.
For at least a year
in Switzerland is my guess.
Which explains the rumors,
the painting and the statues.
But Alistair had a family
and a political career.
Patricia could ruin both.
Especially being engaged to Becket's
number one political opponent.
So, poof, no more Patricia.
But how do I prove it?
I wonder how Becket would react...
if a dog showed up with his pendant
hanging out of his mouth?
Simple.
He'd kill the dog.
Not if the dog showed up
in the middle oflunch
at an elegant French restaurant.
- [Doorman] Miss Howard?
- [Barks]
Oh, I shall be right up.
Maybe I should wait
and try to getJackie involved.
Nah. Too dangerous.
- [Lock Unlocking]
- Huh, that was quick.
- And then to Harrod's
to pick up a brace of pheasants.
- Yes, mum.
- I must have it for the party.
- Yes, mum.
You know how
Jonathan loves it.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Screaming]
[Horn Honks]
[Women Screaming]
Great. Now what?
Now back to heaven,
Mr. Browning.
I'm afraid
your time is up.
I told you...
I told you before,
I'm not going back until I'm through.
You sent me down here to do a job,
and I'm staying till it's finished.
Now go work it out.
Hi. I was a pelican.
What were you?
Jesus Christ.
Really?
Did... Did... Did a little
brown dog run back here?
Sure did.
Damndest thing
I've ever seen.
This couldn't be
a real dog.
He came running
into this alley...
he hit that barrel,
that can back there...
and he went
right up the wall.
Straight up the wall, and he just...
just kept going right up into the sky.
[Scoffs]
Like Superman or something.
You think I'm crazy,
don't you?
F-Forget what I just said.
Look. Don't tell anybody. I knew
you wouldn't believe me. Hello, sir?
Just forget I said...
said anything about it.
[Snickers]
May never be the same.
Mr. Browning?
There is no more time.
Either you come back
with me now, or you're gonna have...
Look. Could you guarantee
that everything down here is
gonna work out if I go back?
We don't have that kind
of control, Mr. Browning.
You know the Doctrine
of Free Will.
It's a big thing
with the Boss.
Then tell the Boss
I'll see him later.
There's a guy in jail and a lovely lady
depending on a little dog we all know.
Now, I got a luncheon date.
Gotta go.
[Barks]
#[Violin]
That's fine.
Thank you.
I can understand the excitement
which must surround the writing
of one's first book...
but I can't help but wonder
why you chose this subject.
- Actually, it was my publisher's idea.
- Your publisher?
Mr. Becket, would you mind terribly
signing this for my little girl?
Not at all.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Oh!
- Your publisher's idea?
- Yes, he's a close friend, and he's...
Alistair, great speech.
I'm behind you on every point.
- Thanks, Bob. I'm sorry.
- You're very popular.
Yes, you keep saying that.
- So, you didn't know
Patricia Elliot at all.
- No, I never met her.
- Or Quimby-Charles?
- No.
Not until after I interviewed him
after the murders.
Well, anyway, my publisher
has said for years that he was
going to do this for me...
as soon as the right subject came along,
something really commercial.
For him, this was topical
and had sex, sex, sex.
For me, it seemed to be about
some really interesting people.
But if you didn't know the people,
how did you know they were...
Where did you come from?
- What is that?
- I have no idea.
Yes, indeed.
I suspected as much.
I beg your pardon?
The big prize.
Get Alistair Becket.
He's getting too close to the top.
Show no mercy.
- How much are they paying you?
- Who?
- What the hell are you...
- What kind of a person does this
with someone else's life?
You certainly showed
no compassion and no integrity.
The little games you play.
What was Patricia Elliot really like?
What drove Patricia Elliot?
What were
her great passions?
Why didn't you have the guts
to say what you knew...
instead of sneaking around,
picking at the edges to see if I'd crack?
It's true, you know.
It wasrt playtime.
I really loved her.
You killed her.
What?
You killed her.
- You killed Patricia Elliot.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, Miss Howard.
Alistair didn't kill
Patricia Elliot.
- I did.
- [Jackie] What?
I had to.
I spent 12 years
getting you ready...
and she could have
ruined everything.
One word from her to Quimby-Charles
about Switzerland...
and we'd be through,
you and I.
I couldn't let that happen.
You will be prime minister.
England needs you.
It was all too important.
And it was all... perfect.
If it hadrt been
for that dog.
This was my souvenir,
in case you ever doubted my loyalty...
or my value to you.
It was safely away
in a post office box, until...
He's the devil, you know.
He is.
He came here to stop us,
you and me...
from being prime minister.
Well, he stopped me.
But he won't stop you.
He won't stop anything
anymore.
- No!
- [Gunshot]
- [Clamoring]
- Oh, God, no.
[Jackie's Voice]
Dreadful photograph, don't you think?
I can't stand it. I see her face.
Now I'm even hearing her voice.
[Jackie's Voice]
For goodness sake, don'tjump.!
- Jackie?
- Nice to meet you.
- Officially, that is.
- Yahoo!
I can't believe this.
How did you get back here as a cat?
Well, I wasrt about to let you be
the martyr in this situation.
You stayed down here for me.
The least I could do was to
come back and keep you company.
And none to soon. A fine mess
you would have left me in
if you jumped in the river.
Oh, I would never have done that.
I'm a coward at heart.
Well, now that we're on
the same level, so to speak,
what do you want me to call you?
Benjamin, B.J.
Or... or what?
Not Benjamin.
I hate it.
B.J. Or some of my friends
used to call me Benji.
Better stick with B.J.
You're not the, uh, Benji type.
#[Man Singing]
#[Continues]
#[Continues]
#[Ends]