Old School (2003) Movie Script
[speaker drones, indistinct]
Real Estate Query Engine
is a virtual rubicon of information,
putting the lawyer himself
at the controls.
Listen, I'm going to take off, okay?
I'm gonna try and catch the 2:00 back.
You're leaving the seminar now?
It's not even intermission.
- I don't think you can do that.
- No, it's fine. Just cover for me, okay?
- Get it all.
- I guess.
- Listen, could we have your badge?
- Yeah.
It's worth two free drinks
at the Meet and Greet.
Hello.
I'm going to the airport.
I'm kind of in a hurry, too.
Sir, your seat belt
seems to be broken.
What do you recommend I do?
I recommend you stop being such a faggot.
You're in the back seat.
Jesus.
See?
[metal detector beeps]
[electronic beeping]
[detector beeps]
Hello?
Hey, boy.
Good boy, Orson.
Where's Mommy?
Honey?
Heidi?
[woman moaning]
Heidi?
[moaning]
[moaning continues]
Mitch!
What are you doing home?
You totally scared me!
I scared you?
Because for a second, I thought...
I don't even want to say it.
[moaning]
Wow.
That's, like, pretty hard-core.
Yeah, I know.
No, I'm not judging.
Don't be embarrassed.
This is a major turn-on.
Let's go with this.
- Is this what you do when I'm gone?
- Mitch, wait.
No, I mean, I do it myself every once
in a while, but to magazines.
Okay, Mitch, we need to talk.
- Hello!
- Aah!
[couple screaming]
[barking]
Be honest.
Please tell me this is the first time
this has happened.
Well, do you want me to be honest, or you
want me to tell you this is the first time?
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- Nothing is wrong with me!
I've tried to tell you about this.
What? When?
- All the time!
- Like when?
- Like, when we're in bed and stuff.
- In bed?
I thought you were just talking dirty.
I was, but I was being serious.
You've said some really sick stuff.
You have to admit it,
we haven't exactly been living the most
exciting lives in the world.
This is a totally different kind
of satisfaction for me.
It's purely sexual.
Ooh!
[crying]
I'm really sorry.
[doorbell rings]
Hello.
Yeah?
I'm here for the gang bang.
[sighs]
[church bell rings]
[pipe organ playing]
You look a little pale, Mitch.
You need to breathe.
Let a little blood up in your face there,
will ya?
- I don't want to breathe.
- You should be proud of yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to land
a girl as sexually enlightened as Heidi is?
A girl like that comes around, what,
once every hundred years?
I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Columbus wasn't looking for America,
but that seemed to work out for everybody.
You're here.
You know what I mean?
Hey, I just want to thank you
one last time for being here.
It's the best day ever.
Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay?
You need to walk away from this ASAP.
- What?
- You need to get out, Frankie.
[wedding march plays]
This is it. It's now or never. You need
to get out of here while you're still single.
- I'm not single.
- She's 30 yards away, you're single now.
Come on, Marissa's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Why don't you give that six months.
You don't think that'll change?
I got a wife, kids.
Do I seem like a happy guy to you,
Frankie?
There's my wife. See that?
Always smiling? Hi, honey.
Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."
She's coming down the aisle, Beanie.
Let it go.
Let me be the first to say
congratulations to you then.
You get one vagina for the rest of your life.
Real smart. Way to work it through.
- [Mitch:] Don't listen to him.
- [Frank:] I need my inhaler.
It takes a man to give away an angel.
You're a sweetheart.
You look beautiful.
Great.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together
to join Franklin and Marissa...
Don't do it!
[coughs loudly]
My throat is dry.
I'm sorry.
I'm a smoker.
Okay.
# Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
# And you're never coming round
Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
# Of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
# That the best of
All the years have gone by
# Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
# I see the fuckin' look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
# Every now and then I fall apart
# Turn around, bright eyes
# Fuckin' every now and then
I fall apart
# And I need you now tonight
# I fuckin' need you more than ever
[singing off key]
# Look in your eye
# And then I fall apart
I need you more than ever
Mitch Martin?
Yeah.
Nicole!
My God!
This is crazy!
I can't believe it's you!
God.
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
The last time that I had heard,
you had moved to...
- What do you call it?
- Denver.
The Sunshine State.
Denver!
Gorgeous!
Gorgeous!
Oh, boy.
Are you okay?
No, I'm...
Yeah, I just feel a little...
fucked up.
Yeah, Marissa told me about your
girlfriend. I'm very sorry.
The thing about that one is,
is it's not just that.
It's a combination of things.
We had a dog,
we had a great place,
but all just...
[deflating noise]
You know what?
I think you should have some of this.
- What's in this one?
- Coffee.
[slurping]
[laughing, then screams]
Ow! Oww! Jesus!
- I am so sorry! Please, just...
- No, don't touch!
- I can fix it. Just...
- Mitch, really.
- No, Mitch!
- What are you doing to this poor girl?
Mitch, stop it!
I got it.
No. Inappropriate.
Stop it right now.
- Sweetie, there's a bathroom over here.
- Thank you.
Mitch, honey? Hon?
Why don't you go get some air, okay?
Walk it off.
No, wait a second.
Yeah?
- Put in a good word for me.
- Yeah, okay.
[yodeling]
# Lay, oh-de-lay, oh-de-lay hee hoo!
# Sparkling, clear and lovely
# You're my
# Lady
Hey, Marissa!
You're the lady.
[applause, clinking glasses]
Can't hear you!
Excuse me.
I'd like to say I'm really glad
and proud to be here tonight.
I'm glad to see Frank's dad made it out.
I haven't seen him in eight years.
That's great.
Congratulations.
I love you, Dad!
True love is hard to find.
Sometimes you think you have true love,
and then you catch the early flight
home from San Diego,
and a couple of nude people
jump out of your bathroom blindfolded
Iike a goddamn magic show,
ready to double-team your girlfriend...
It stops right there
and it continues right here,
because I think what Mitch is trying to say
is that true love is blind.
Let's raise our glasses,
whatever we got in front of us.
Salute. Health and happiness.
Cheers, everybody.
I love you so much, Frankie.
I love you.
I'm not a talker.
I love you.
Congratulations.
I thought you said near campus.
This is practically on-campus. It's sick.
- This is great.
- How did you land this place?
I don't know, it was pretty easy, actually.
A professor lived here for, like,
That's awesome!
That's awesome.
A little housewarming.
To new beginnings.
Thanks.
Actually, I gave this to you
for your wedding.
This model?
No, this exact one.
I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I hope you like it.
I love it.
Thank you.
This place is unbelievable.
- You like it?
- How could you still be depressed?
This is the probably the best thing
that's ever happened to us.
- Us?
- Yeah, us.
Do not get selfish on me here, okay?
Now stay with me.
You put a bar in over there, right?
Couple La-Z-Boys to fill it out, a smarter
couch. You could put a hot tub anywhere.
Max, can you earmuff it for me?
We're gonna get so much ass here,
it's gonna be sick.
I'm talking crazy, boy-band ass.
That sounds like a lot of fun, but
I need a little time to get
my life back together.
We need to throw a big
kick-ass party to start things off.
Absolutely.
Break it in a little, meet the neighbors.
Come on, Mitch.
You know what I'm talking about.
Break it in.
The real estate guy was really
adamant about not having...
I don't think you realize what
a huge opportunity this is for you.
Girls love a guy who's in your
particular situation.
What situation?
Mitch, you're on the rebound.
You're like an injured fawn
nursed back to health,
who's finally gonna be rereleased
into the wilderness.
[glass breaking]
Sorry.
[baby crying]
Please be careful.
- I'm sorry. You okay?
- Don't say sorry to me, say it to the baby.
- You upset him.
- Sorry, baby.
It's okay. It happens.
We should go tropical with this thing.
Like sand from wall to wall. I know a great
sand guy, we'll get it at price.
Sand in here?
Or foam, whatever.
Something in here.
- You understand what I'm talking about?
- Absolutely.
I'm good either way.
Just need to run it by Marissa.
I'm messing with you guys!
It's a joke!
[baby cries]
It's not funny.
And now the baby is upset.
[loud music]
[engine revs]
[music continues]
[shouts:] Hey!
Hey!
Hey, honey!
I brought you an iced tea!
No, thanks. I got a fresh beer.
Can you turn that off for a second?
[music stops]
[engine sputters]
Wow. That's really loud.
Yeah. Thanks.
I took the restrictor plate off,
give the Red Dragon a little more juice.
But let's keep that on the down low.
She's not exactly street legal.
Hey, Mike!
Right.
- So, what's up?
- Nothing much.
I was hoping we might get to those
thank you notes tomorrow night.
Honey, I got Mitch's thing tomorrow night.
Oh, that's right.
I totally forgot.
But I can skip it.
Oh! No.
Don't be silly.
I mean, I wouldn't want you changing
your whole life just for me.
I'll give Lara a call
and we'll plan a girls' night.
- lt'll be fun.
- Thanks.
You're the best.
Just as long as you promise to take it easy,
you know.
- What do you mean?
- You know exactly what I mean.
You've come a long way since Frank the
Tank, and we don't want him coming back.
Honey, Frank the Tank
is not coming back, okay?
That part of me is over.
It's water under the bridge.
I promise.
[crowd cheering]
Nice, right?
This is incredible.
How did you do this?
With all the people here,
and the speakers.
I thought we were having
a small get-together.
It's one of many
small get-togethers.
That's why you got the house, brother.
You're having fun?
- I'm having a great time.
- Good.
What else have you got planned?
A student band or something?
Yeah, that's it.
I got a student alt rock band
coming on stage next.
I own six Speaker Cities.
I'm worth $3.5 million,
that the government knows about.
I got more electronics up there
than a damn KlSS concert.
You think I'd roll out that kind of red carpet
for a fuckin' marching band?
Just make sure you can see the stage.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
I just want to get through this door,
if you don't mind.
Thank you.
This is the guy I was talking about.
This is his house.
- What's up, man?
- No, that's my friend, Mitch.
My friend Mitch, he owns the house.
Anyway, come hit this right here.
You need to hit this.
No, I appreciate it, but I told my wife
I wouldn't drink tonight.
Besides, I've got a big day tomorrow.
But you guys have a great time.
A big day? Doing what?
Well, actually,
pretty nice little Saturday.
We're going to Home Depot.
Buy some wallpaper,
maybe get some flooring.
Stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath
and Beyond, I don't know.
I don't know if we'll have enough time.
You know what? Give me that thing.
I'll do one.
He gonna do one!
He gonna do one!
That's a talented man right there.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Fill it up again!
God, that's good.
It's so good!
Once it hits your lips,
it's so good.
Thank you very much, guys. This will be
happening at this house all year.
So just get ready,
don't burn yourselves out tonight.
I wanna thank you very much for coming to
the official Mitch Martin Freedom Festival.
For those who don't know
who Mitch Martin is,
he's the very successful,
very disease-free gentleman
standing by the mini-bar.
Now, courtesy of Speaker City,
which is slashing prices on everything
from beepers to DVD players,
give a warm Harrison University
welcome to my pal
and your favorite,
Mister Snoop Dogg.
[crowd cheering]
# Yeah
Get up
# You know what
# I'm thinking of a master plan
# Cuz ain't nothing but sweat
Inside my hand
# So I dig into my pockets
All my money is spent
# So I dig deeper
But still coming up with lint
# So I start my mission
Leave my residence
# I'm thinkin' how can I get
Some dead presidents
[crowd cheering]
Frank! Frank!
Whoo!
Frank the Tank!
Frank the Tank!
You know it!
You know it!
# A pen and a paper
A stereo, a tape
[rapping, indistinct]
You're that guy.
What?
Mitch-a-Palooza, from the poster.
Yeah, that's me.
This party is great.
Nice work.
My friends put it on for me.
They're kind of rereleasing me
out into the wild.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. Sorry.
# Got to have some thangs
So what you need is some game
- # Say what
- # To get your paper, man
- # Say what, say what, yeah
- # Oh, baby
- # In a world of paper
- # Check me out, y'all
# Did somebody say make money money
Make money money money
# Make money money
Make money money money
# Say make money money
Make money money money
[crowd repeats]
We're going streaking!
[microphone squeals]
[screams, disgusted groans]
I'm sorry.
We're going streaking through the quad
and into the gymnasium.
Come on, everybody!
Come on, Snoop!
Snoop-a-loop!
Snoop!
No, it's cool. I'm cool.
Bring your green hat. Let's go.
Come on, everybody, we're going!
Here we go!
Man, man.
Man, put the music back on.
Let's get
the party back cracking up in here.
[crowd cheers]
Whoo! Come on!
We're streaking.
Come on!
Come on, every...
We're... come on!
Whoo! Whoo!
We're streaking.
We're streaking!
Whooo!
Come on!
Oh, tell her!
Marissa, I totally forgot.
I know it's a little belated, but we got you
the perfect wedding present!
Come on, you guys, I told you,
you don't have to get me anything.
Our friend Ashley had this guy come over
and teach a blow job class.
- It was incredible.
- A class?
And he's really good,
so we had to book him way in advance.
Why should I go to a class?
Bernard should be the one going to class.
I swear, the man is orally challenged.
- Wait a second, is that guy...
- [Frank whooping]
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting!
Why am I looking at that?
Why are you slowing down?
Just drive. Go.
[horns honking]
Frank?
No way.
Frank!
Hey, honey.
What the hell are you doing?
We're streaking. We're going up
through the quad to the gymnasium.
Who's streaking?
There's more coming.
Frank, get in the car.
- Everybody's doing it.
- Now!
Okay.
Whoa! Scooch over.
Hey, ladies.
Hey, Frank.
Looks like it's a little cold out there, huh?
[girls giggling]
Please, guys.
Honey, do you think KFC is still open?
[girls laughing]
[lawn mower]
[alarm buzzes]
Oh, shit.
Good morning.
Now, that was a party.
Since when are you so shy?
No, I'm not.
I just...
Did I snore last night?
Sometimes I snore when I'm drunk.
I don't remember.
I don't think so.
Listen, about last night.
I just got out of a very serious
and traumatic relationship.
I'm kind of in a weird place right now.
What?
Relax, Rich, it's not a big deal.
Mitch, with an "M."
Right. Look.
Whatever. We were just having a little fun.
You have nothing to worry about.
No.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm okay with it.
It's casual. I was just...
I got to go to class, so...
So, how do we do this? Shall l...
You want to leave me your number?
You don't even have to worry about it.
See you around.
Bye.
I love you.
At Speaker City, we're slashing prices
on everything from DVD players
to camcorders,
and everything in between.
Our courteous staff will educate you
on a wide selection of state-of-the-art
home theater equipment and accessories.
Show us a competitor's price.
We'll beat it.
If we can't beat it, I'll give you
the keys to the store. Literally.
Figuratively, I mean.
The only thing that sounds better
than our speakers are our prices!
Hi, silly kid.
What do you think? Honestly.
Shoot me straight.
Really good.
- You look great.
- Really?
God, I went a little bit...
Got crazy last night.
Yeah, I still haven't heard from Frank.
I'm a little worried.
Hello?
[cans clink]
Come on in. Jesus!
Is this one of your guys here?
- About three fire hazards over here.
- What are you doing, man?
Cheese, is that you?
Hello, Mitch, Bernard.
I see you guys haven't changed much.
Who is this?
Remember Cheese,
Rodney's kid brother?
Actually, my name isn't Cheese anymore.
It's Gordon Pritchard.
Oh, yeah!
Cheese!
Didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
I got out.
Cool, man.
I'm glad you did.
- You had a good time last night?
- Yeah.
There might be some whippits
lying around if you want them.
- No, thanks. I'm working.
- Working what?
Campus patrol?
- Try again.
- You a Jehovah's Witness?
- [Beanie and Gordon laugh]
- I'm the dean.
Dean Pritchard. Yeah.
And as of this morning,
this house has been rezoned.
It is now exclusively
for campus use only.
What are you talking about?
You can't just do that. I've already paid
the first and last month's rent!
Take a look at that.
You have a week to vacate the premises,
and I thank you for your cooperation.
Great.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Absolutely not.
It's been good seeing you guys.
It looks like you're doing great.
Frank, this is a safe place.
It's a place where we can feel free
sharing our feelings.
Think of my office as a nest
in a tree of trust and understanding.
We can say anything here.
Anything?
It's okay, honey.
That's why we came.
Well, I guess l...
Deep down I'm feeling a little confused.
I mean, suddenly you get married
and you're supposed
to be this entirely different guy.
I don't feel different.
Take yesterday, for example.
We were out at the Olive Garden
for dinner, which was lovely.
And...
I happened to look over during the meal
and see a waitress taking an order,
and I found myself wondering
what color her underpants might be.
Her panties.
Odds are they're probably
basic white, cotton underpants.
But I started thinking,
"Well, maybe they're silk panties."
"Maybe it's a thong."
"Maybe it's something really cool
that I don't even know about."
You know? And I started feeling...
What?
I thought we were in the trust tree,
in the nest. Are we not?
- We are. It's okay.
- Okay?
It's okay. Please continue.
I don't know
where I was going with that.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that now that I'm married,
I'm definitely feeling
a little freaked out about the fact
that I'm gonna have sex
with only one person
for the rest of my life.
Walsh tells me
your San Diego trip was a blast!
Yeah.
How was Hooters?
I actually didn't go to Hooters.
Yeah, right.
Skittles?
No, thanks.
Listen. I got a call from Manetti.
He tells me that your Sunshine Square
proposal is totally fucked.
What's wrong with it?
Well, for one thing, it violates
the zoning restrictions set forth
in the National Historical
Preservation Act of 1 966.
Most notably, clause four.
Shall I continue?
- Actually, I'm familiar with that item...
- Honey.
- Hi, Dad, am I interrupting?
- No, come in.
I don't think you've met my daughter.
Darcie, this is Mitch Martin.
Nice to meet you, Mitch.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
- How was the slumber party?
- Great. You know,
movies and popcorn.
She's an angel.
It makes me sound an old man, but I can't
believe how fast she's growing up.
- Dad, stop.
- I'm sorry honey, but it's true.
To think that in just seven months
you'll be graduating from high school!
[coughs violently]
You okay?
I thought you said high school.
Yeah.
Shocking, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Give me a break.
Hey, Mitch.
Hey, man. Did you have a good day?
Not too bad.
What's going on?
I thought maybe I could crash here
tonight, if that's all right.
Marissa is going through
some personal stuff.
Personal stuff like you running through
the neighborhood drunk and naked?
That and some other stuff.
No problem.
Make yourself at home.
Thanks.
Gentlemen, we're discussing
a brand-new way to look at a fraternity.
Gentlemen, we're discussing
a brand-new way to look at a fraternity.
In other words, forget all the normal rules
that apply to both college and society,
because this is a very big idea,
my friends.
We are talking about a non-exclusive,
egalitarian brotherhood
where community status
and more importantly, age,
have no bearing whatsoever.
Yeah? From the guy who probably
won't get in.
- I go to school here.
- Okay.
I was curious, what association
will you have with the actual university?
- Who are these people?
- I don't know.
Legally speaking,
there will be a loose affiliation,
but we will give nothing back
to the academic community.
As well as provide no public service
of any kind. This much I promise.
What the hell is going on here?
Guys, this is a very special occasion.
The Godfather himself has been kind
enough to grace us with his presence.
- The Godfather!
- [applause]
This is his damn house.
He lives here, he sleeps 20 feet away.
We need to talk.
Kitchen.
Sit good for me. I'm gonna talk
to Uncle Mitch for a second.
There you go, buddy.
- How long have these people been here?
- All day.
That party we had last night
has given us all kinds of street cred.
What are you talking about?
This is called "rush."
We're officially starting a fraternity.
I like it. It's genius!
You've got to be kidding me.
You heard Pritchard, all right?
We're obligated to do this.
This house, he says, is zoned specifically
for social services and student housing.
Fraternity solves both of those.
But this is my house.
I live here, Beanie.
I'm 30 years old.
None of us are enrolled in the college.
I understand that. You're focused
on all the wrong sort of details.
Did you or did you not
have a good time at the party?
I had an awesome time.
I know you had an awesome time.
The entire town knows
you had an awesome time.
I'm trying to ask Mitch whether
he had an awesome time.
- I had a good time.
- Okay, that's good.
Wouldn't you want those good times
to keep going?
- More good...
- God. I mean...
I don't understand. I don't know why it's
so hard for you to admit you want this.
We got 40 guys that want this.
There must be a reason for it.
Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm.
I know you guys are trying to help,
but the truth of the matter is,
I've had a hell of a day,
an even worse month.
And the fact is,
I've got 40 strangers out in my living room
and all I want to do is
get some fuckin' sleep.
So, I'm sorry, but we're not
starting a fraternity.
I don't know why you got to do it
in front of the kid, with the "F'ing."
All you got to do is
say "earmuffs" to him.
Then you can say,
"fuck, shit, bitch," whatever you want.
Cock. Balls.
I'm just proving a point.
You don't have to celebrate it, Frank.
- Sorry.
- Don't say sorry to me.
You let down Frank, you let down me,
you let down Max, most importantly.
And right about now,
I'm having a real hard time
trying to figure out why I take my time out of
my schedule to try to help you get over...
Earmuffs. That whore that you dated.
Wanna go out and see the other guys?
Uncle Mitch is sorry.
Say "yes."
Yes.
[squealing tires]
Here's the deal.
Listen up!
All together, we've picked
Wait, who's this guy?
That's Blue.
He's an old Navy vet
who hangs around my store a lot.
But don't worry about it.
He's legit.
He looks like he's 1 00 years old.
He wants to pledge?
Are you kidding me?
The Old Man River won't shut up about it.
Go time!
[squealing tires]
Don't make this any harder
on yourself!
[squealing tires, horns beeping]
What's going on?
You tell anyone about this,
I'll fuckin' kill you!
I'm kidding. We'll have him back tonight.
Okay, sweetie?
Let's go!
[squealing tires]
[van engine roaring]
[tires squeal]
Come on, let's go.
There we go, Blue.
[tires squeal]
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You should all be
very proud of yourselves.
Each and every one of you
has been hand-picked
to represent our inaugural
pledge class.
Over the next 21 days,
you're all going to experience intense
mental and physical strain.
[screams:] D-ahhh!!
Frank, just pace yourself.
Copy that. Just got
a little overexcited. Sorry.
At this point
you may be asking yourself,
"Why am I holding
this 30-pound cinderblock in my hands?"
You might also ask yourself,
"Why does this cinderblock
have a long piece of string
tied to it?"
And finally,
"Why's the other end of this string
tied securely
to your penis?"
And the answer, ladies, is trust.
This is your first test.
Spanish!
Do you trust we've provided you
with enough slack
so your block will land safely
on the lawn?
Sir, yes, sir.
- And Blue!
- Yes, sir?
Do you trust that I do not want
to see you die here tonight?
- Sir, yes, sir.
- Blue, you're my boy!
Thank you, sir.
About face.
[drum cadence]
Step to the edge!
Pledges, prepare to release!
One...
two...
three! Release!
[yelling]
Aahh!
[unison]
Oh...!
[girlish squeals]
Wasn't meant to happen
like that, Weensie!
Walk it off, big guy.
We're coming down.
# One, two, three, four
# One, two, three, four
# I've been laid more times than God
# Got six kids in Laung-Pau-Lad
# One two three four
One two three four
# I don't know, but it's been said
One more lap and I'll be dead
- # One two three four...
- Faster!
Jesus. Who are these people?
Patricia, get security
to the South Lawn.
We have an illegal off-road vehicle
operating without a permit.
They've already been called, sir.
Call them again.
It's been two weeks.
How are these guys still a fraternity?
They're not a fraternity, sir.
They've been approved for temporary
status by the student council.
Half these guys don't even
go to the school.
You see the one guy, he's like 90.
Technically, that doesn't matter.
They found a loophole.
- A loophole?
- Yes.
Well, it's interesting, sir.
As stupid as they appear,
they're actually very good at paperwork.
It's quite an anomaly.
I'm sorry, is that funny?
Are you a standup comic?
Is that what you do now?
This is me leaving. This is me leaving.
[copier whirs]
There he is.
What's going on, brother?
Nothing.
Just making some copies.
See you later.
Hey, Mitch, hang on a second.
I heard you guys are
starting up a fraternity.
Who told you that?
Nobody. Is it true?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Right.
It sounds cool, man.
I want in.
Listen to me.
There is no fraternity.
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
You listen to me.
I need this, okay?
My wife, my job, my kids.
Every day is exactly the same.
I go golfing on Sundays.
I hate golf.
Don't blackball me, Mitch.
Please.
I am not blackballing you.
We work together, Walsh.
And I don't want to mix work
with whatever it is I do at home.
Trust me, you're not
missing anything, anyways.
Really?
Heard you hooked up
with Goldberg's daughter.
Sorry. Sorry.
That is untrue!
Hey, Mitch, all I'm saying is
think about it, okay?
Think about it!
So what?
Who cares if you work with the guy?
I do. I mean, I have a career
to worry about.
You're killing me. You really need
to start embracing this whole thing here.
The frustrating thing is I don't think
you appreciate everything I did for you.
- For me?
- Yeah, for you.
You think I like avoiding my wife and kids
to hang out with 1 9-year-old girls all day?
- Yeah, I do.
- Well, I don't, man.
- I'm doing this whole thing for you.
- Hello.
Nicole, how's it going?
Who's this?
This is my daughter, Amanda.
Say hi, sweetie.
Hi, Amanda.
You remember Nicole, right?
Yeah, we did a little chicken dancing
at the wedding, actually.
- How you been?
- Fine, thanks.
Good.
I actually wanted
to apologize to you about the wedding.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.
It's okay.
You just embarrassed yourself.
- I brought you a housewarming gift.
- That is really nice.
It's just a CD holder, you know, for your
desk or whatever. I thought it was...
No, that thing's a piece of crap.
Awful.
- I stopped selling it six months ago.
- Please, hey, Beanie.
- Thanks.
- A lot of complaints.
- But it's a nice gesture, I think.
- No, this is cool.
Hey, Godfather!
- What's up?
- Yo, you the man, dog!
See you around, homey!
Did that guy just call you
the Godfather?
Must be joking around or something.
Where are you guys living now?
We're staying with my dad for awhile,
until I find something better.
The move's been a little rough on Amanda.
My son Max is turning six on Sunday.
We're having a birthday party for him.
Just like, petting zoo and clowns,
stuff like that.
But you guys are welcome to come,
if you like.
- Great idea! You should definitely come.
- Okay.
What do you guys like better?
Nurse or cheerleader?
Hi, Nicole.
Hi, Frank.
It's a nice doll you have there.
Yeah, thanks.
She's okay.
Did you have fun at the wedding?
Yeah, it was fun.
I'm just staying here, for right now.
Anyways, we'll see you Sunday then.
Sunday, right. Okay.
- Bye. Say bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Hi, you've reached Marissa.
- And Frank!
We're not here,
so leave us a message.
Hey, honey, it's me.
Listen, just was calling to check in.
I been kind of busy lately.
A lot of paperwork, stuff like that.
Damn it.
If you are satisfied, press "1. "
To rerecord, press "2. "
Hey, Marissa, it's me.
Listen.
Gonna be in the neighborhood
a little bit later.
Didn't know if you wanted to
get together for frozen yogurt sometime,
or maybe even a whole meal of food.
If that'd be agreeable...
Stupid.
If you are satisfied, press "1. "
To rerecord, press "2. "
Hey, Marissa, it's Frank Ricard...
Okay, ladies.
The secret to a good B.J. is focus.
I don't care
if it's your husband of 1 0 years
or some hot sailor you met
at TGl Friday's a couple months ago.
Who never did call me back
but did leave me with a
little something called herpes.
Which I then gave to the dog.
But that's neither here nor there.
Grab your vegetables.
[girls giggle]
["Hungry Like the Wolf"plays]
Who's hungry? Who's hungry?
Come on.
Is this guy for real?
Yeah, he's fine.
He's the best there is.
Ladies, our thumbs are down,
our wrists are flexed,
and we're gonna position
ourselves for insertion.
Ready? Do it.
Um hmm.
Good, Marissa.
You can use a little teeth
but don't be a biter.
Now you're going to do
the work, ladies.
These carrots are not going
to ejaculate themselves.
Get into it.
Very good.
Very good.
Good, good, good.
Not so good.
Please, what are you doing?
You're not Romulus sucking on
the teats of the mother wolf.
If you know your Greek mythology.
Ladies, we are giving head here.
We're not breast feeding
from a mythological beast.
[laughing]
Oh, that's funny to you?
'Cause you won't be laughing
when somebody prematurely
pops in your face.
It stings, and that is now
why I have a lazy eye.
Thank you very much.
Continue, please, continue.
Up and in.
And mind the stepchildren.
Mind the stepchildren.
[music plays from house]
Marissa, come on.
That's it.
I like what I see.
Don't be afraid to arch it.
Marissa, come on.
That's it.
Everybody can learn from Marissa.
I'm gonna take a quick five.
You guys continue.
Nice work, Marissa.
Way to give a hundred and ten percent.
When I get back there,
I'm gonna show you something I call
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Penis."
Did you see that movie?
I really like it 'cause of
the flying and the magic.
[glass breaking]
Bastard!
Someone just make a bad mistake!
[kung-fu scream]
Jesus Christ, Frank!
What the hell are you doing here?
You know this person?
I am so sorry.
Are you hurt?
- Yes, I'm hurt.
- [groaning]
Bob's not here. They're on the rocks.
You've outdone yourself once again.
It's nice, right?
Spanish, what the hell are you doing?
Man, I'm just getting some water, yo.
This suit is crazy hot.
Put your head on. Are you nuts?
That can be very traumatic for these kids.
- You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
- Don't "sorry" me.
Shake the tail when you walk, man.
You're better than that.
Take it easy.
You don't see me breaking
the fourth wall.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Nice costume.
- Thanks a lot.
- This is a great party.
- When'd you get here?
Just a few minutes ago.
This is my boyfriend, Mark.
Flew over from Colorado yesterday.
This is Mitch and Beanie.
How's it hanging, boys?
Pleasure to meet you.
So, listen, somebody told me
you guys are in a fraternity,
is that right?
- No.
- A fraternity. Is that true?
Not really. I mean, no.
It's more kind of like a social club.
We just kinda watch football
and hang out.
Hang out and spank each other, I bet.
It's not like that.
We don't take it too seriously...
Blue! How come there's no ice
in my lemonade?
Sorry, sir!
You drop down
and you give me ten!
- Now!
- Yes, sir.
Let's go!
That's Frank.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you these.
It's my work phone. Call me.
Speaker City. I own all six locations.
Max wants to open up his gifts,
but I thought maybe one would be all right?
Come on in here, Maxy.
You guys mind giving me a minute?
We'll talk surround sound
and everything else later. I'll cut you a deal.
I'm not gonna hold you over
the coals for it.
How you doing, bud?
What a day!
We can open Uncle Frank's,
but we got to wait for the others.
I don't know who's more excited,
Frank or Max.
Rip it up! Go at there. What is it?
Could it be a space ship?
Let's see what we got!
Yay!
What do you think, Max, huh?
It's got three speeds.
[children's song playing]
Damn it.
Excuse me.
I'll have one of those.
I'm Mark. What's your name?
Tracy.
Nice meeting you, Tracy.
- Right on there.
- There we go.
Okay, you can go back out
and play now.
Come on.
There. Take your doll. Okay.
I think she likes you.
She ignores most people.
I feel honored.
So, Mark, he seems like
an interesting guy.
He's harmless.
- How long have you two been together?
- Two years now.
I told him I had a crush on you
in high school and I think I got him jealous.
You had a crush on me?
You got to be kidding me.
I was obsessed with you.
Not in a dangerous way, you know.
I just watched you a lot, from a distance.
How come you never
asked me out then?
You were pretty intimidating back then.
You were always with older guys.
You had that Whitesnake jean jacket.
You smoked Marlboro Reds.
You were way out of my league.
I still have the Whitesnake
jean jacket.
I'm still pretty intimidated by you.
You're bad.
You're right. I am bad.
I'm sorry...
- I guess we're not knocking?
- Excuse me.
Excuse me, I've got to get
back to work.
...just returning these Band-Aids.
What are you gonna do?
Tell on me?
You know you can't, buddy.
It's guy code. Okay?
Guys don't tell on other guys.
That's, uh...
something chicks do.
[gargles]
You're not a chick, are you?
All right. Good talk.
I'll see you out there.
Hey there, buddy.
Need a friend?
Yeah, me, too.
Hey.
[pony whinnies, Frank whistles]
Wow.
- She's a beauty, ain't she?
- Yeah.
What kind of gun is this?
That's a tranquilizer gun.
If any of these little fuckers decide to freak
out on the kids,
I get to take them down.
Ain't that right, mother?
What?
That's what I thought. Shut up.
Hey, be careful with that.
That's the most powerful
tranq gun on the market.
Got her in Mexico.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it is cool.
They say it could puncture
the skin of a rhino from a hundred...
Oww! Oh...
Yes!
That's awesome!
What?
You just took one
in the jugular, man!
Ha! Whoa.
Yes!
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I did.
Is this bad?
Is this bad?
You should pull that out.
That shit is not cool.
Wait.
[distorted voice]
Wait. Pull what out?
The dart, man.
You got a fuckin' dart in your neck.
You're craz... You're crazy, man.
You're crazy.
I like you.
But you're crazy.
I feel tired.
# Happy birthday to you
No!
[slow motion]
# Happy birthday, dear Max
[unintelligible groans]
[kid yells]
[girls scream]
# Hello darkness
My old friend
# I've come to talk
With you again
# Because a vision softly creeping
# Left its seeds while I was sleeping
This is the most beautiful day.
Yes.
It really is.
- # Within the sound of silence
- [chewing]
I've missed you, Frank.
I'm so glad you're back.
I've missed you too, honey.
You look gorgeous.
You're sweet.
# I turned my collar
To the cold and damp
[gagging]
- He just French kissed me!
- [crowd groaning]
[moaning]
This better work.
The board members are beginning to ask
questions about this "civilian fraternity."
The board members are beginning to ask
questions about this "civilian fraternity."
Don't worry, it'll work.
Here she comes.
Her name is Megan Huang.
She's student council president,
prelaw, star of the tennis team,
a very promising young woman.
A young woman with a lot to lose.
- Megan, hello.
- Hi.
Have a seat.
I'm sure you know Dean Pritchard.
Don't turn around.
Megan, this little fraternity
over on Brook Street
has become quite an inconvenience
for us, okay?
And as student body president,
you approved their temporary status.
Unfortunately, you alone
have the ability to revoke it.
So, we're gonna need you to
go ahead and do that.
Revoke it? Why?
Everybody loves those guys.
They throw the sickest parties.
I met my boyfriend at their casino night.
Uh-huh, that's great.
It says here you are applying
to Columbia Law School.
Wow, that's a tough school
to get into.
You know, Dean Pritchard has
some serious connections at Columbia.
Are you bribing me?
Don't make life
harder on yourself, Chang.
It's Huang.
Whatever.
How's the tennis season going?
I made some minor changes,
but overall it's okay.
- It's a pretty standard lease.
- Okay, great.
Thank you for taking a look at it for me.
This stuff always confuses me.
Anytime.
So, you and Mark are
moving in together?
Yeah.
Well, financially it makes sense, so...
You know, there's something
I think you should know...
about Mark.
What is it?
Well...
[sighs deeply]
Relationships are a lot of work.
And, I guess what I'm saying is...
Good luck.
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you.
Yeah. Listen.
I was thinking maybe sometime
we could get some dinner or something?
- Yeah.
- If that's okay with you.
- I'd like that.
- Yeah.
Of course, leave it to me to wait until
you've got a boyfriend
to finally ask you out.
Timing was never your thing.
No.
Okay, so, thank you.
And, call me about dinner.
- I will.
- Excuse me, sir!
We have a situation, sir!
What are you guys doing here?
I said never at work.
But it's an emergency.
We can only buy KY Jelly
in the 4-ounce tubes.
Industrial size cans will take up to
What's all that for?
It's Blue's birthday.
We're having a KY wrestling match.
You know what?
Can we talk about this later, please?
I'm going again, baby!
- [crowd cheering]
- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
This doesn't seem fair!
I'm on a roll!
Rip his head off!
Rip his head off!
[romantic music plays]
[indistinct conversation, giggling]
[inhaling]
I like your room.
Thanks a lot. It's kind of
a home away from home for me.
All the posters are mine.
I don't usually like fraternity guys.
They're such losers.
But, you're like... mature.
Mature?
Yeah.
So, where do you sleep, anyway?
Usually, I sleep at home.
Sometimes I do crash here.
This is a futon, actually.
It pulls out, you know.
Cool, I didn't realize.
Can I see it?
The futon?
Yeah.
Wow.
Amy, I'm sorry.
I'm married.
And I can't do this.
I don't want this to get weird, but...
Right. I see.
But why don't you
leave me your number?
This way, if something happens to my wife,
I can give you a call.
- I don't think so.
- Okay, that was a bad idea.
[bell ringing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's main event!
In this corner,
weighing in at 1 10 pounds,
and pushing 89 years of age,
the recent recipient of a brand-new
plastic hip,
Joseph "Blue" Pulasky!
[crowd cheering]
And in the opposite corner,
with a combined weight of 21 0 pounds,
hailing from Hayden dormitory,
Jenny and Jeanie!
[crowd cheering]
Fighters, are you ready?
Blue, you sure
you're okay with this?
Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.
Let's get it on!
[bell dings]
[blowing whistle]
- Come on.
- Come on, grandpa, let's go.
Let's go, birthday boy!
What's the matter, you scared?
Hello?
[acoustic guitar plays]
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Pass before my eyes
In curiosity
# Dust in the wind
Looks like we better put the KY wrestling
on hold for a while.
Good idea.
Please don't beat yourself up
over this thing. It's not your fault.
Damn it, Blue was old.
That's what old people do.
They die.
I'm sorry.
# All we are is
Dust in the wind
# Ah-ah-ah!
You're my boy, Blue!
You're my boy.
It's been a weird month, huh?
Yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you
on your birthday.
My birthday, what do you mean?
Yeah, last Thursday.
- You forgot your birthday, didn't you?
- Damn it!
I'm such an idiot.
- What have you been doing?
- I've been keeping busy.
I... tried to join a new gym.
That was one thing.
And there's other stuff.
I can't remember, but, keeping busy.
You know, I've missed you.
You know?
I want you to know that.
I was even thinking maybe tonight
we could get together back at home,
and, I don't know,
maybe put on the Sisqo CD...
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Really? You don't?
I don't know.
Maybe we rushed into this,
you know?
I mean, it just doesn't
feel right, does it?
Being married?
What do you mean?
I mean, I think we should
get a divorce.
Like a real divorce?
Yeah.
Gotcha.
Okay, well...
I'm sorry.
No. Actually, I got to run.
But, if I don't talk to you,
keep on, keep trucking, you know?
Okay, good stuff.
Well, what do you think?
Yeah, it's okay.
- Just okay?
- Yeah.
I had Mitch take a look at the lease.
He thinks it sounds like a good deal.
You had Mitch look at the lease?
When?
Last week,
I stopped by his office.
- Oh, God.
- What?
I don't know.
I'm not so sure about that guy.
Mitch? Why? He's so sweet.
Something I saw last week,
at the birthday party.
What did you see?
I didn't want to get into this, but...
I walked in on him, and he was
harassing one of the caterers.
A young girl.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He was being aggressive
and grabbing her and stuff.
It was disgusting.
I didn't want to say anything
'cause he's your friend.
[cell phone rings]
- Hello?
- Hey Nicole, it's Mitch.
Hi, Mitch.
I was thinking, if you're not too busy,
maybe I'd take you up
on that cup of coffee.
- Now's not really a good time.
- Look.
I'm really sorry about the other day.
I want the chance to explain everything.
- I don't think so.
- It's...
It's been kind of a tough day,
and it'd really mean a lot.
[sizzling]
Listen, there are a few things
I wanted to clear up,
because I get the feeling you have
an entirely distorted view of who I am.
Really? What would
ever give you that idea?
Okay, that's one pecan pie
and two coffees.
And don't worry. For the Godfather,
it's always on the house.
- Not here.
- I know who you are.
I am Avi. I'm a big supporter
of what you guys are doing.
Thank you.
You are beautiful.
No offense, though. He is the king.
You are taking coffee and pie
with a living legend.
That's very kind,
but I insist, I'll pay.
Your money, it's not good here.
- Okay.
- I look forward to pledging next semester.
Okay, now don't you think
this is going a little far?
I heard one of your pledges died.
Is that true?
Well, yes.
But he was really old.
And I feel pretty confident that
when we get the autopsy back,
it'll show that it was probably
of natural causes.
Look, to be honest, you're really not
the person I thought you were.
But it's okay. It's not a big deal.
I think that I am that person.
And I feel more like myself now
than I have in a really long time.
So, that's why you go around
harassing young women?
- Doing what?
- The caterer.
At the birthday party.
Mark told me about her.
Wait a second.
I didn't want to say anything,
but Mark is the one
who was acting inappropriate.
- You are unbelievable.
- It's true.
Hey, look who it is.
Hey, Mitch.
Darcie, hey.
Hi. I've been meaning to call you.
I just didn't want you
to worry about my dad.
He doesn't know anything,
so it's totally cool.
Her dad?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, it's nothing, really.
I mean, they actually work together.
We gotta run, 'cause we got this prom
committee thing, so I'll see you around.
Sorry.
Bye.
Prom committee thing?
That I actually can explain.
Right, I'm sure you can.
- I have to go.
- Please wait a second.
No, really. I have to go.
Hey. Chicks.
Don't worry for her.
Love, it's a motherfucker.
Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter,
you already know.
The house has been boarded up.
The windows, the doors, everything.
We're at the Comfort Inn,
room 1 12.
I love you. Frank.
Due to these infractions,
not only will your house be repossessed,
but those of you who are students
will be expelled from the university
for your participation in
a non-sanctioned fraternity.
Please take a moment to
allow this information to sink in.
[sirens wailing]
Good. Believe me,
the actions taken by the student council
have come as a great shock to me.
But unfortunately, there's nothing
I can do about it.
Thank you for your time.
Good luck, and God bless America.
[static]
He can't do that.
This guy's playing hardball.
I got to say,
I'm kind of impressed by him.
Well, we're expelled.
My life is over and I'm gonna wind up
working at Red Lobster.
- You already work in Red Lobster.
- Yeah, but it's part time, dick.
- Guys.
- Hey, listen.
This is a serious situation.
I mean, I'm kicked out of school.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Come on, she's not gonna kill you.
Yes, she is. I'm the first one
to go to college in my family.
When I left, she said,
"Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you."
She showed me the knife.
- [Weensie sobbing]
- [Beanie: ] Shhh.
Mitch is a lawyer, buddy.
He's gonna take care of this thing, okay?
It's gonna be all right.
He was supposed to be Luke Skywalker.
Guys, still want to be in the fraternity?
We've been waiting all semester
for you to ask us that.
Good. I need your help with something.
Off the record.
You do this, you're in.
Sir, yes, sir.
Okay. Walsh, I need you to track down
a copy of University Code 7-A,
- then fax it to this number immediately.
- Got it.
- I need to talk to you.
- Give me five minutes.
Booker, make two copies of this petition,
have it notarized,
and then messenger it over
to 34 Langley, and then I need-
Listen, Donald tells me you got these guys
working prep for the arbitration.
I told you five times, I want them working
the Sunshine Square deal.
Well, I locked
the Sunshine Square deal yesterday,
so now I have them helping
with the arbitration,
and I'd appreciate it if you let me
handle my own team,
and don't get on my ass
every time I'm trying to do something.
All right.
Wanna make sure
you're on top of it.
Well, I am.
Well, good. Carry on.
See? That's why they call him
the Godfather.
Hey.
Just take care of it.
Gentlemen, I got some good news
and I got some bad news.
Did a little research.
What Pritchard did, technically,
is illegal.
We have the right to a formal evaluation
before they can deny
our official application.
However, we're now subject to
a charter certification review
given by the board of trustees.
Damn it.
Wait. Wait, what does
that mean exactly?
According to university bylaws,
it's a thorough inspection of the fraternity,
and our contribution to the community.
Focus is on five categories:
Academics, athletics, community service,
debate, and school spirit.
Good luck to everybody.
It was nice to know you all.
And I'll see you around campus.
Actually, all of us are
being tested. Yeah.
What are you talking about?
I'm not even in school.
It's in the bylaws. Every member
of the fraternity is subject to review
in every category,
including academics.
Mitch, can you come here a second?
I don't mind popping for breakfast.
I do speakers. I don't do tests.
This is unbelievable.
What happened to, "needing brotherhood
now more than ever?" They need us.
Come on, college is
overrated anyway.
I built Speaker City from the ground up.
I can barely read. Truth.
This damn thing was your idea,
and you convinced me to do it,
and now people's lives are ruined.
Ruined? Like, whose life is ruined?
Well, let's see.
Blue's dead.
Frank's divorced.
I've lost my house.
Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass.
And now we got nine kids who are gonna
get expelled from school,
and you're not even gonna
help 'em out.
Is this thing gonna go down smooth or
what? I'm missing 1 8 holes of golf here.
One hundred percent.
I got creative with some of their tests.
It should make for
a very entertaining day.
I'm going to enjoy kicking
these assholes off campus.
Ditto.
Welcome, everyone, to the official
debate section of the charter review.
Unfortunately,
the captain of the university debate
team had a scheduling conflict. Yeah.
So, we had to bring someone else in
to fill in for this event.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the co-host of CNN's Crossfire,
famed political consultant,
the Raging Cajun,
Mr. James Carville.
[applause]
- Thank you.
- Don't clap.
Thank you, Dean Pritchard.
It's an honor and pleasure to be here, sir.
Topic number one.
What is your position
on the role of government
in supporting innovation
in the field of biotechnology?
Well, Dean, I'm glad you
asked that question...
I'd like to jump in and take that one,
Jimmy, if you don't mind.
Have at it, hoss.
Why doesn't he wait for an easy one?
Recent research has shown
the empirical evidence
for globalization of
corporate innovation is very limited.
And as a corollary, the market
for technologies is shrinking.
As a world leader,
it is important for America to provide
systematic research grants
for our scientists.
I believe there will always be a need for us
to have a well-articulated innovation policy
with emphasis on
human resource development. Thank you.
[applause]
Where'd that come from?
What happened? I blacked out.
It was awesome.
That was interesting.
Thank you very much.
And your rebuttal,
Mr. Carville?
We have no response.
That was perfect.
That's the way you do it!
That's the way you debate.
Number 1 2.
Which of the following is
a generally accepted graphical technique
for determining first order
system parameters?
Is it, A, Harriot's method
of solving cubics?
B, Pythagorean triplets?
Or C, the migration method of graphing
quadratic functions?
Harriot's method of solving cubics.
The answer is A, Harriot's method
of solving cubics.
Good test.
All right, Frank. Let's do this.
Go Harrison!
# Everybody dance now!
# Everybody dance now!
# Give me the music
# Give me the music
# Everybody dance now!
# Everybody dance now!
- Yes!
- Wow.
[drumming]
Go, Cougars!
[pained screams]
Oh, no!
Help me! Help me!
[laughing]
Dean Pritchard,
can I talk to you for a second?
Megan, I'm a little busy.
I didn't get into
Columbia Law School.
How awful.
You said if I revoked their charter,
you'd get me into Columbia.
You're right, I did say that.
No one at Columbia
has even heard of you.
Oh, Megan.
Look, I did my part.
Now you have to do yours.
- That's how bribes work.
- I know how bribes work.
I bribe people all the time,
but I changed my mind. It's a free country.
Lesson learned.
[banging on locker]
Damn it!
Sorry, guys, I lost my composure out there.
I'm an idiot.
Frankie, don't worry about it.
We'll make those points up, I promise you.
- Your skin's gonna grow back, too.
- [wincing]
I'm sorry.
Okay, how many events
do we actually have left here?
One. Frank's accident
definitely set us back.
But if we pass...
If we pass athletics, we're in.
All right, everybody!
That's what I'm talking about, guys.
We've made a great effort so far.
Let's just keep it up!
That's right! We can't have anyone
freak out out there, okay?
We've got to keep our composure!
We've come too far.
There's too much to lose!
We've got to just keep our composure!
For your final test, I've chosen the men's
gymnastics team's all-around competition.
And participants in the three events
will be chosen at random by me,
right now.
Let's see, rings.
Bernard.
Okay, great.
Floor exercise.
How about Frank? Great.
And for the vault competition,
oh, I don't know...
How about...
- You.
- Me?
Yeah. Is there a problem with that?
[Chariots of Fire theme plays]
I'm still holding.
Still holding!
It's physically impossible.
Don't worry.
Abdul is there to spot you.
We're waiting, gentlemen.
Just hit the board as hard
as you can and shut your eyes.
- You ready?
- Have fun with it.
Go! Come on!
Come on!
[high-pitched scream]
Oh, my God! Yes!
[cheering and whooping]
[congratulating, indistinct]
[Weensie:] Hey, I did good.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You put forth quite an effort.
You really did.
But, I'm afraid
I have some bad news for you.
You didn't pass your review.
What are you talking about?
We finished with an 84%.
Yes, you people did finish
with an 84%,
but unfortunately, another pledge of yours
scored a "0" in every category.
What pledge?
A Joseph "Blue" Pulasky.
Hey, man, Blue's dead.
He passed away two weeks ago.
He's listed right here
on your official chapter roster,
and those zeroes drop your average
to a 58%.
Come on, you got to be kidding me.
It's been quite a journey.
You're gonna be all right.
You'll be all right, Frank.
- Come on, now, big cat.
- I have no reason to live.
We're gonna find you
a one-bedroom apartment,
get you back on your feet,
maybe move you in over at Beanie's...
It's not gonna be the same.
Didn't quite work out
for you fellas, did it?
You know what? I recommend
you drive off immediately,
before something
extremely bad happens.
- I'm scared.
- Excuse me, Mitch?
Am I interrupting?
Megan, you are. If you could leave,
it would be tremendous for all of us.
I thought you guys might
find this interesting.
You said if I revoked their charter,
you'd get me into Columbia.
- I did say that.
- Look...
I did my part, now you have to do yours.
That's how bribes work.
I know how bribes work...
You know what?
Just, let me...
Bird-dog him, Frankie!
Coming through!
- Go that way!
- Slow down, man!
Pritchard, hey, it's over.
Hand over the tape. It's over.
It's over, okay?
You know where the rest
of the guys are?
I don't know, we all spread out...
Ow!
What are you doing?
What are you...
Time out. Time out.
[glass shattering]
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Gentlemen...
Oh, God!
Wait, wait, my shoulder.
This man accosted me!
You are all witnesses!
He accosted me!
- Frank!
- [Frank groaning]
Frank, are you okay?
Mitch, I'm so cold.
Come on, big cat.
I think I see Blue.
He looks glorious.
- Stay with me.
- Okay.
I did good.
You did great.
Hi.
Hey! Wow...
How are you?
I'm okay.
You know, I got that apartment.
Good for you. That's great.
And you were right about Mark.
What happened?
Let's just say I caught him red-handed
and it wasn't pretty.
I guess I thought he could change,
you know?
I don't know.
So, you're moving out?
Yeah, I'm moving into a new place,
far, far away from here.
What about your little fraternity?
Well, they're upgrading,
moving into a new facility.
And to tell you the truth,
they don't have much use for
the Godfather anymore.
I hope you'll still think I'm cool
even without all this.
I think I can deal with it.
I appreciate it.
Although, you know,
I have to say,
I have always been a little curious
about what goes on inside these places.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I do have another 1 2 hours
on my lease.
I'd be more than happy to
show you around.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe for a minute.
Great.
Happy Tuesday to you out there.
It's "Frank the Tank" here at
Harrison Cougar Radio, 88.6.
Wanna give a shout-out
to the Godfather.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be here today, Mitch.
I'd probably be dead.
Face down in
a drained pool somewhere.
A quick note to all you
future brothers out there,
brand-new house on campus, located
at Dean Pritchard's former residence.
You all remember that crazy bastard.
We'd love for you to join us
this Saturday at our open house
for some chips, soda,
and some late-night streaking.
Little right. Little more.
Yeah, that's good enough.
That's good enough.
- Welcome aboard, Booker.
- Thank you, sir.
- Walsh. Well done.
- Frank the Tank.
Why don't you get me
a fresh beer?
You serious?
Now!
Now! Hurry, you sorry son-of-a-bitch!
# Going down the only road
I've ever known
# Like a drifter I was born
To walk alone
# And I've made up my mind
[Pritchard whistling]
[horn beeps]
[horn blaring]
Aahh!
Oh, shit.
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Pass before my eyes
A curiosity
# Dust in the wind
# All we are is
Dust in the wind
Stay in the goal.
We gotta stay in the goal.
You can't be walking around.
You're killing me.
Can we stay between the posts?
I want focus, I want intensity,
and I want "1,2,3"!
Woofers!
Go, go, go, eat 'em up!
Hungry! Eat 'em up!
Caleb, you know what to do in the box.
We talked about it, in the box!
Chill out, we're up by six.
That ref's a real prick out there.
That's right, you heard me, my man!
Number four's been throwing elbows,
and someone's kid's gonna get hurt.
What?
Let's make it official then, jackass!
Let's make it official!
Get the clipboard.
I'll be in the car, all right?
- Have some respect for yourself.
- Thank you.
Is that Frank the Tank?
Hey. Heidi.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing really good.
I got into body painting.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
That's great.
Well, you're looking
very healthy.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, so are you.
Oh, thank you.
So, I heard you and Marissa
split up. Is that true?
Yeah, we did.
You poor baby.
You know, I'm having
this get-together
at my place
tomorrow night.
Like a few lnternet friends.
You should swing by.
- Really?
- Totally.
- Okay.
- All right.
- That sounds awesome.
- See you tomorrow night.
Awesome.
Yes!
I am back!
[whooping]
You know it!
Real Estate Query Engine
is a virtual rubicon of information,
putting the lawyer himself
at the controls.
Listen, I'm going to take off, okay?
I'm gonna try and catch the 2:00 back.
You're leaving the seminar now?
It's not even intermission.
- I don't think you can do that.
- No, it's fine. Just cover for me, okay?
- Get it all.
- I guess.
- Listen, could we have your badge?
- Yeah.
It's worth two free drinks
at the Meet and Greet.
Hello.
I'm going to the airport.
I'm kind of in a hurry, too.
Sir, your seat belt
seems to be broken.
What do you recommend I do?
I recommend you stop being such a faggot.
You're in the back seat.
Jesus.
See?
[metal detector beeps]
[electronic beeping]
[detector beeps]
Hello?
Hey, boy.
Good boy, Orson.
Where's Mommy?
Honey?
Heidi?
[woman moaning]
Heidi?
[moaning]
[moaning continues]
Mitch!
What are you doing home?
You totally scared me!
I scared you?
Because for a second, I thought...
I don't even want to say it.
[moaning]
Wow.
That's, like, pretty hard-core.
Yeah, I know.
No, I'm not judging.
Don't be embarrassed.
This is a major turn-on.
Let's go with this.
- Is this what you do when I'm gone?
- Mitch, wait.
No, I mean, I do it myself every once
in a while, but to magazines.
Okay, Mitch, we need to talk.
- Hello!
- Aah!
[couple screaming]
[barking]
Be honest.
Please tell me this is the first time
this has happened.
Well, do you want me to be honest, or you
want me to tell you this is the first time?
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- Nothing is wrong with me!
I've tried to tell you about this.
What? When?
- All the time!
- Like when?
- Like, when we're in bed and stuff.
- In bed?
I thought you were just talking dirty.
I was, but I was being serious.
You've said some really sick stuff.
You have to admit it,
we haven't exactly been living the most
exciting lives in the world.
This is a totally different kind
of satisfaction for me.
It's purely sexual.
Ooh!
[crying]
I'm really sorry.
[doorbell rings]
Hello.
Yeah?
I'm here for the gang bang.
[sighs]
[church bell rings]
[pipe organ playing]
You look a little pale, Mitch.
You need to breathe.
Let a little blood up in your face there,
will ya?
- I don't want to breathe.
- You should be proud of yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to land
a girl as sexually enlightened as Heidi is?
A girl like that comes around, what,
once every hundred years?
I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Columbus wasn't looking for America,
but that seemed to work out for everybody.
You're here.
You know what I mean?
Hey, I just want to thank you
one last time for being here.
It's the best day ever.
Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay?
You need to walk away from this ASAP.
- What?
- You need to get out, Frankie.
[wedding march plays]
This is it. It's now or never. You need
to get out of here while you're still single.
- I'm not single.
- She's 30 yards away, you're single now.
Come on, Marissa's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Why don't you give that six months.
You don't think that'll change?
I got a wife, kids.
Do I seem like a happy guy to you,
Frankie?
There's my wife. See that?
Always smiling? Hi, honey.
Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."
She's coming down the aisle, Beanie.
Let it go.
Let me be the first to say
congratulations to you then.
You get one vagina for the rest of your life.
Real smart. Way to work it through.
- [Mitch:] Don't listen to him.
- [Frank:] I need my inhaler.
It takes a man to give away an angel.
You're a sweetheart.
You look beautiful.
Great.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together
to join Franklin and Marissa...
Don't do it!
[coughs loudly]
My throat is dry.
I'm sorry.
I'm a smoker.
Okay.
# Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
# And you're never coming round
Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
# Of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
# That the best of
All the years have gone by
# Turn around
# Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
# I see the fuckin' look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
# Every now and then I fall apart
# Turn around, bright eyes
# Fuckin' every now and then
I fall apart
# And I need you now tonight
# I fuckin' need you more than ever
[singing off key]
# Look in your eye
# And then I fall apart
I need you more than ever
Mitch Martin?
Yeah.
Nicole!
My God!
This is crazy!
I can't believe it's you!
God.
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
The last time that I had heard,
you had moved to...
- What do you call it?
- Denver.
The Sunshine State.
Denver!
Gorgeous!
Gorgeous!
Oh, boy.
Are you okay?
No, I'm...
Yeah, I just feel a little...
fucked up.
Yeah, Marissa told me about your
girlfriend. I'm very sorry.
The thing about that one is,
is it's not just that.
It's a combination of things.
We had a dog,
we had a great place,
but all just...
[deflating noise]
You know what?
I think you should have some of this.
- What's in this one?
- Coffee.
[slurping]
[laughing, then screams]
Ow! Oww! Jesus!
- I am so sorry! Please, just...
- No, don't touch!
- I can fix it. Just...
- Mitch, really.
- No, Mitch!
- What are you doing to this poor girl?
Mitch, stop it!
I got it.
No. Inappropriate.
Stop it right now.
- Sweetie, there's a bathroom over here.
- Thank you.
Mitch, honey? Hon?
Why don't you go get some air, okay?
Walk it off.
No, wait a second.
Yeah?
- Put in a good word for me.
- Yeah, okay.
[yodeling]
# Lay, oh-de-lay, oh-de-lay hee hoo!
# Sparkling, clear and lovely
# You're my
# Lady
Hey, Marissa!
You're the lady.
[applause, clinking glasses]
Can't hear you!
Excuse me.
I'd like to say I'm really glad
and proud to be here tonight.
I'm glad to see Frank's dad made it out.
I haven't seen him in eight years.
That's great.
Congratulations.
I love you, Dad!
True love is hard to find.
Sometimes you think you have true love,
and then you catch the early flight
home from San Diego,
and a couple of nude people
jump out of your bathroom blindfolded
Iike a goddamn magic show,
ready to double-team your girlfriend...
It stops right there
and it continues right here,
because I think what Mitch is trying to say
is that true love is blind.
Let's raise our glasses,
whatever we got in front of us.
Salute. Health and happiness.
Cheers, everybody.
I love you so much, Frankie.
I love you.
I'm not a talker.
I love you.
Congratulations.
I thought you said near campus.
This is practically on-campus. It's sick.
- This is great.
- How did you land this place?
I don't know, it was pretty easy, actually.
A professor lived here for, like,
That's awesome!
That's awesome.
A little housewarming.
To new beginnings.
Thanks.
Actually, I gave this to you
for your wedding.
This model?
No, this exact one.
I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I hope you like it.
I love it.
Thank you.
This place is unbelievable.
- You like it?
- How could you still be depressed?
This is the probably the best thing
that's ever happened to us.
- Us?
- Yeah, us.
Do not get selfish on me here, okay?
Now stay with me.
You put a bar in over there, right?
Couple La-Z-Boys to fill it out, a smarter
couch. You could put a hot tub anywhere.
Max, can you earmuff it for me?
We're gonna get so much ass here,
it's gonna be sick.
I'm talking crazy, boy-band ass.
That sounds like a lot of fun, but
I need a little time to get
my life back together.
We need to throw a big
kick-ass party to start things off.
Absolutely.
Break it in a little, meet the neighbors.
Come on, Mitch.
You know what I'm talking about.
Break it in.
The real estate guy was really
adamant about not having...
I don't think you realize what
a huge opportunity this is for you.
Girls love a guy who's in your
particular situation.
What situation?
Mitch, you're on the rebound.
You're like an injured fawn
nursed back to health,
who's finally gonna be rereleased
into the wilderness.
[glass breaking]
Sorry.
[baby crying]
Please be careful.
- I'm sorry. You okay?
- Don't say sorry to me, say it to the baby.
- You upset him.
- Sorry, baby.
It's okay. It happens.
We should go tropical with this thing.
Like sand from wall to wall. I know a great
sand guy, we'll get it at price.
Sand in here?
Or foam, whatever.
Something in here.
- You understand what I'm talking about?
- Absolutely.
I'm good either way.
Just need to run it by Marissa.
I'm messing with you guys!
It's a joke!
[baby cries]
It's not funny.
And now the baby is upset.
[loud music]
[engine revs]
[music continues]
[shouts:] Hey!
Hey!
Hey, honey!
I brought you an iced tea!
No, thanks. I got a fresh beer.
Can you turn that off for a second?
[music stops]
[engine sputters]
Wow. That's really loud.
Yeah. Thanks.
I took the restrictor plate off,
give the Red Dragon a little more juice.
But let's keep that on the down low.
She's not exactly street legal.
Hey, Mike!
Right.
- So, what's up?
- Nothing much.
I was hoping we might get to those
thank you notes tomorrow night.
Honey, I got Mitch's thing tomorrow night.
Oh, that's right.
I totally forgot.
But I can skip it.
Oh! No.
Don't be silly.
I mean, I wouldn't want you changing
your whole life just for me.
I'll give Lara a call
and we'll plan a girls' night.
- lt'll be fun.
- Thanks.
You're the best.
Just as long as you promise to take it easy,
you know.
- What do you mean?
- You know exactly what I mean.
You've come a long way since Frank the
Tank, and we don't want him coming back.
Honey, Frank the Tank
is not coming back, okay?
That part of me is over.
It's water under the bridge.
I promise.
[crowd cheering]
Nice, right?
This is incredible.
How did you do this?
With all the people here,
and the speakers.
I thought we were having
a small get-together.
It's one of many
small get-togethers.
That's why you got the house, brother.
You're having fun?
- I'm having a great time.
- Good.
What else have you got planned?
A student band or something?
Yeah, that's it.
I got a student alt rock band
coming on stage next.
I own six Speaker Cities.
I'm worth $3.5 million,
that the government knows about.
I got more electronics up there
than a damn KlSS concert.
You think I'd roll out that kind of red carpet
for a fuckin' marching band?
Just make sure you can see the stage.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
I just want to get through this door,
if you don't mind.
Thank you.
This is the guy I was talking about.
This is his house.
- What's up, man?
- No, that's my friend, Mitch.
My friend Mitch, he owns the house.
Anyway, come hit this right here.
You need to hit this.
No, I appreciate it, but I told my wife
I wouldn't drink tonight.
Besides, I've got a big day tomorrow.
But you guys have a great time.
A big day? Doing what?
Well, actually,
pretty nice little Saturday.
We're going to Home Depot.
Buy some wallpaper,
maybe get some flooring.
Stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath
and Beyond, I don't know.
I don't know if we'll have enough time.
You know what? Give me that thing.
I'll do one.
He gonna do one!
He gonna do one!
That's a talented man right there.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Fill it up again!
God, that's good.
It's so good!
Once it hits your lips,
it's so good.
Thank you very much, guys. This will be
happening at this house all year.
So just get ready,
don't burn yourselves out tonight.
I wanna thank you very much for coming to
the official Mitch Martin Freedom Festival.
For those who don't know
who Mitch Martin is,
he's the very successful,
very disease-free gentleman
standing by the mini-bar.
Now, courtesy of Speaker City,
which is slashing prices on everything
from beepers to DVD players,
give a warm Harrison University
welcome to my pal
and your favorite,
Mister Snoop Dogg.
[crowd cheering]
# Yeah
Get up
# You know what
# I'm thinking of a master plan
# Cuz ain't nothing but sweat
Inside my hand
# So I dig into my pockets
All my money is spent
# So I dig deeper
But still coming up with lint
# So I start my mission
Leave my residence
# I'm thinkin' how can I get
Some dead presidents
[crowd cheering]
Frank! Frank!
Whoo!
Frank the Tank!
Frank the Tank!
You know it!
You know it!
# A pen and a paper
A stereo, a tape
[rapping, indistinct]
You're that guy.
What?
Mitch-a-Palooza, from the poster.
Yeah, that's me.
This party is great.
Nice work.
My friends put it on for me.
They're kind of rereleasing me
out into the wild.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. Sorry.
# Got to have some thangs
So what you need is some game
- # Say what
- # To get your paper, man
- # Say what, say what, yeah
- # Oh, baby
- # In a world of paper
- # Check me out, y'all
# Did somebody say make money money
Make money money money
# Make money money
Make money money money
# Say make money money
Make money money money
[crowd repeats]
We're going streaking!
[microphone squeals]
[screams, disgusted groans]
I'm sorry.
We're going streaking through the quad
and into the gymnasium.
Come on, everybody!
Come on, Snoop!
Snoop-a-loop!
Snoop!
No, it's cool. I'm cool.
Bring your green hat. Let's go.
Come on, everybody, we're going!
Here we go!
Man, man.
Man, put the music back on.
Let's get
the party back cracking up in here.
[crowd cheers]
Whoo! Come on!
We're streaking.
Come on!
Come on, every...
We're... come on!
Whoo! Whoo!
We're streaking.
We're streaking!
Whooo!
Come on!
Oh, tell her!
Marissa, I totally forgot.
I know it's a little belated, but we got you
the perfect wedding present!
Come on, you guys, I told you,
you don't have to get me anything.
Our friend Ashley had this guy come over
and teach a blow job class.
- It was incredible.
- A class?
And he's really good,
so we had to book him way in advance.
Why should I go to a class?
Bernard should be the one going to class.
I swear, the man is orally challenged.
- Wait a second, is that guy...
- [Frank whooping]
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting!
Why am I looking at that?
Why are you slowing down?
Just drive. Go.
[horns honking]
Frank?
No way.
Frank!
Hey, honey.
What the hell are you doing?
We're streaking. We're going up
through the quad to the gymnasium.
Who's streaking?
There's more coming.
Frank, get in the car.
- Everybody's doing it.
- Now!
Okay.
Whoa! Scooch over.
Hey, ladies.
Hey, Frank.
Looks like it's a little cold out there, huh?
[girls giggling]
Please, guys.
Honey, do you think KFC is still open?
[girls laughing]
[lawn mower]
[alarm buzzes]
Oh, shit.
Good morning.
Now, that was a party.
Since when are you so shy?
No, I'm not.
I just...
Did I snore last night?
Sometimes I snore when I'm drunk.
I don't remember.
I don't think so.
Listen, about last night.
I just got out of a very serious
and traumatic relationship.
I'm kind of in a weird place right now.
What?
Relax, Rich, it's not a big deal.
Mitch, with an "M."
Right. Look.
Whatever. We were just having a little fun.
You have nothing to worry about.
No.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm okay with it.
It's casual. I was just...
I got to go to class, so...
So, how do we do this? Shall l...
You want to leave me your number?
You don't even have to worry about it.
See you around.
Bye.
I love you.
At Speaker City, we're slashing prices
on everything from DVD players
to camcorders,
and everything in between.
Our courteous staff will educate you
on a wide selection of state-of-the-art
home theater equipment and accessories.
Show us a competitor's price.
We'll beat it.
If we can't beat it, I'll give you
the keys to the store. Literally.
Figuratively, I mean.
The only thing that sounds better
than our speakers are our prices!
Hi, silly kid.
What do you think? Honestly.
Shoot me straight.
Really good.
- You look great.
- Really?
God, I went a little bit...
Got crazy last night.
Yeah, I still haven't heard from Frank.
I'm a little worried.
Hello?
[cans clink]
Come on in. Jesus!
Is this one of your guys here?
- About three fire hazards over here.
- What are you doing, man?
Cheese, is that you?
Hello, Mitch, Bernard.
I see you guys haven't changed much.
Who is this?
Remember Cheese,
Rodney's kid brother?
Actually, my name isn't Cheese anymore.
It's Gordon Pritchard.
Oh, yeah!
Cheese!
Didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
I got out.
Cool, man.
I'm glad you did.
- You had a good time last night?
- Yeah.
There might be some whippits
lying around if you want them.
- No, thanks. I'm working.
- Working what?
Campus patrol?
- Try again.
- You a Jehovah's Witness?
- [Beanie and Gordon laugh]
- I'm the dean.
Dean Pritchard. Yeah.
And as of this morning,
this house has been rezoned.
It is now exclusively
for campus use only.
What are you talking about?
You can't just do that. I've already paid
the first and last month's rent!
Take a look at that.
You have a week to vacate the premises,
and I thank you for your cooperation.
Great.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Absolutely not.
It's been good seeing you guys.
It looks like you're doing great.
Frank, this is a safe place.
It's a place where we can feel free
sharing our feelings.
Think of my office as a nest
in a tree of trust and understanding.
We can say anything here.
Anything?
It's okay, honey.
That's why we came.
Well, I guess l...
Deep down I'm feeling a little confused.
I mean, suddenly you get married
and you're supposed
to be this entirely different guy.
I don't feel different.
Take yesterday, for example.
We were out at the Olive Garden
for dinner, which was lovely.
And...
I happened to look over during the meal
and see a waitress taking an order,
and I found myself wondering
what color her underpants might be.
Her panties.
Odds are they're probably
basic white, cotton underpants.
But I started thinking,
"Well, maybe they're silk panties."
"Maybe it's a thong."
"Maybe it's something really cool
that I don't even know about."
You know? And I started feeling...
What?
I thought we were in the trust tree,
in the nest. Are we not?
- We are. It's okay.
- Okay?
It's okay. Please continue.
I don't know
where I was going with that.
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that now that I'm married,
I'm definitely feeling
a little freaked out about the fact
that I'm gonna have sex
with only one person
for the rest of my life.
Walsh tells me
your San Diego trip was a blast!
Yeah.
How was Hooters?
I actually didn't go to Hooters.
Yeah, right.
Skittles?
No, thanks.
Listen. I got a call from Manetti.
He tells me that your Sunshine Square
proposal is totally fucked.
What's wrong with it?
Well, for one thing, it violates
the zoning restrictions set forth
in the National Historical
Preservation Act of 1 966.
Most notably, clause four.
Shall I continue?
- Actually, I'm familiar with that item...
- Honey.
- Hi, Dad, am I interrupting?
- No, come in.
I don't think you've met my daughter.
Darcie, this is Mitch Martin.
Nice to meet you, Mitch.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
- How was the slumber party?
- Great. You know,
movies and popcorn.
She's an angel.
It makes me sound an old man, but I can't
believe how fast she's growing up.
- Dad, stop.
- I'm sorry honey, but it's true.
To think that in just seven months
you'll be graduating from high school!
[coughs violently]
You okay?
I thought you said high school.
Yeah.
Shocking, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Give me a break.
Hey, Mitch.
Hey, man. Did you have a good day?
Not too bad.
What's going on?
I thought maybe I could crash here
tonight, if that's all right.
Marissa is going through
some personal stuff.
Personal stuff like you running through
the neighborhood drunk and naked?
That and some other stuff.
No problem.
Make yourself at home.
Thanks.
Gentlemen, we're discussing
a brand-new way to look at a fraternity.
Gentlemen, we're discussing
a brand-new way to look at a fraternity.
In other words, forget all the normal rules
that apply to both college and society,
because this is a very big idea,
my friends.
We are talking about a non-exclusive,
egalitarian brotherhood
where community status
and more importantly, age,
have no bearing whatsoever.
Yeah? From the guy who probably
won't get in.
- I go to school here.
- Okay.
I was curious, what association
will you have with the actual university?
- Who are these people?
- I don't know.
Legally speaking,
there will be a loose affiliation,
but we will give nothing back
to the academic community.
As well as provide no public service
of any kind. This much I promise.
What the hell is going on here?
Guys, this is a very special occasion.
The Godfather himself has been kind
enough to grace us with his presence.
- The Godfather!
- [applause]
This is his damn house.
He lives here, he sleeps 20 feet away.
We need to talk.
Kitchen.
Sit good for me. I'm gonna talk
to Uncle Mitch for a second.
There you go, buddy.
- How long have these people been here?
- All day.
That party we had last night
has given us all kinds of street cred.
What are you talking about?
This is called "rush."
We're officially starting a fraternity.
I like it. It's genius!
You've got to be kidding me.
You heard Pritchard, all right?
We're obligated to do this.
This house, he says, is zoned specifically
for social services and student housing.
Fraternity solves both of those.
But this is my house.
I live here, Beanie.
I'm 30 years old.
None of us are enrolled in the college.
I understand that. You're focused
on all the wrong sort of details.
Did you or did you not
have a good time at the party?
I had an awesome time.
I know you had an awesome time.
The entire town knows
you had an awesome time.
I'm trying to ask Mitch whether
he had an awesome time.
- I had a good time.
- Okay, that's good.
Wouldn't you want those good times
to keep going?
- More good...
- God. I mean...
I don't understand. I don't know why it's
so hard for you to admit you want this.
We got 40 guys that want this.
There must be a reason for it.
Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm.
I know you guys are trying to help,
but the truth of the matter is,
I've had a hell of a day,
an even worse month.
And the fact is,
I've got 40 strangers out in my living room
and all I want to do is
get some fuckin' sleep.
So, I'm sorry, but we're not
starting a fraternity.
I don't know why you got to do it
in front of the kid, with the "F'ing."
All you got to do is
say "earmuffs" to him.
Then you can say,
"fuck, shit, bitch," whatever you want.
Cock. Balls.
I'm just proving a point.
You don't have to celebrate it, Frank.
- Sorry.
- Don't say sorry to me.
You let down Frank, you let down me,
you let down Max, most importantly.
And right about now,
I'm having a real hard time
trying to figure out why I take my time out of
my schedule to try to help you get over...
Earmuffs. That whore that you dated.
Wanna go out and see the other guys?
Uncle Mitch is sorry.
Say "yes."
Yes.
[squealing tires]
Here's the deal.
Listen up!
All together, we've picked
Wait, who's this guy?
That's Blue.
He's an old Navy vet
who hangs around my store a lot.
But don't worry about it.
He's legit.
He looks like he's 1 00 years old.
He wants to pledge?
Are you kidding me?
The Old Man River won't shut up about it.
Go time!
[squealing tires]
Don't make this any harder
on yourself!
[squealing tires, horns beeping]
What's going on?
You tell anyone about this,
I'll fuckin' kill you!
I'm kidding. We'll have him back tonight.
Okay, sweetie?
Let's go!
[squealing tires]
[van engine roaring]
[tires squeal]
Come on, let's go.
There we go, Blue.
[tires squeal]
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You should all be
very proud of yourselves.
Each and every one of you
has been hand-picked
to represent our inaugural
pledge class.
Over the next 21 days,
you're all going to experience intense
mental and physical strain.
[screams:] D-ahhh!!
Frank, just pace yourself.
Copy that. Just got
a little overexcited. Sorry.
At this point
you may be asking yourself,
"Why am I holding
this 30-pound cinderblock in my hands?"
You might also ask yourself,
"Why does this cinderblock
have a long piece of string
tied to it?"
And finally,
"Why's the other end of this string
tied securely
to your penis?"
And the answer, ladies, is trust.
This is your first test.
Spanish!
Do you trust we've provided you
with enough slack
so your block will land safely
on the lawn?
Sir, yes, sir.
- And Blue!
- Yes, sir?
Do you trust that I do not want
to see you die here tonight?
- Sir, yes, sir.
- Blue, you're my boy!
Thank you, sir.
About face.
[drum cadence]
Step to the edge!
Pledges, prepare to release!
One...
two...
three! Release!
[yelling]
Aahh!
[unison]
Oh...!
[girlish squeals]
Wasn't meant to happen
like that, Weensie!
Walk it off, big guy.
We're coming down.
# One, two, three, four
# One, two, three, four
# I've been laid more times than God
# Got six kids in Laung-Pau-Lad
# One two three four
One two three four
# I don't know, but it's been said
One more lap and I'll be dead
- # One two three four...
- Faster!
Jesus. Who are these people?
Patricia, get security
to the South Lawn.
We have an illegal off-road vehicle
operating without a permit.
They've already been called, sir.
Call them again.
It's been two weeks.
How are these guys still a fraternity?
They're not a fraternity, sir.
They've been approved for temporary
status by the student council.
Half these guys don't even
go to the school.
You see the one guy, he's like 90.
Technically, that doesn't matter.
They found a loophole.
- A loophole?
- Yes.
Well, it's interesting, sir.
As stupid as they appear,
they're actually very good at paperwork.
It's quite an anomaly.
I'm sorry, is that funny?
Are you a standup comic?
Is that what you do now?
This is me leaving. This is me leaving.
[copier whirs]
There he is.
What's going on, brother?
Nothing.
Just making some copies.
See you later.
Hey, Mitch, hang on a second.
I heard you guys are
starting up a fraternity.
Who told you that?
Nobody. Is it true?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Right.
It sounds cool, man.
I want in.
Listen to me.
There is no fraternity.
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
You listen to me.
I need this, okay?
My wife, my job, my kids.
Every day is exactly the same.
I go golfing on Sundays.
I hate golf.
Don't blackball me, Mitch.
Please.
I am not blackballing you.
We work together, Walsh.
And I don't want to mix work
with whatever it is I do at home.
Trust me, you're not
missing anything, anyways.
Really?
Heard you hooked up
with Goldberg's daughter.
Sorry. Sorry.
That is untrue!
Hey, Mitch, all I'm saying is
think about it, okay?
Think about it!
So what?
Who cares if you work with the guy?
I do. I mean, I have a career
to worry about.
You're killing me. You really need
to start embracing this whole thing here.
The frustrating thing is I don't think
you appreciate everything I did for you.
- For me?
- Yeah, for you.
You think I like avoiding my wife and kids
to hang out with 1 9-year-old girls all day?
- Yeah, I do.
- Well, I don't, man.
- I'm doing this whole thing for you.
- Hello.
Nicole, how's it going?
Who's this?
This is my daughter, Amanda.
Say hi, sweetie.
Hi, Amanda.
You remember Nicole, right?
Yeah, we did a little chicken dancing
at the wedding, actually.
- How you been?
- Fine, thanks.
Good.
I actually wanted
to apologize to you about the wedding.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.
It's okay.
You just embarrassed yourself.
- I brought you a housewarming gift.
- That is really nice.
It's just a CD holder, you know, for your
desk or whatever. I thought it was...
No, that thing's a piece of crap.
Awful.
- I stopped selling it six months ago.
- Please, hey, Beanie.
- Thanks.
- A lot of complaints.
- But it's a nice gesture, I think.
- No, this is cool.
Hey, Godfather!
- What's up?
- Yo, you the man, dog!
See you around, homey!
Did that guy just call you
the Godfather?
Must be joking around or something.
Where are you guys living now?
We're staying with my dad for awhile,
until I find something better.
The move's been a little rough on Amanda.
My son Max is turning six on Sunday.
We're having a birthday party for him.
Just like, petting zoo and clowns,
stuff like that.
But you guys are welcome to come,
if you like.
- Great idea! You should definitely come.
- Okay.
What do you guys like better?
Nurse or cheerleader?
Hi, Nicole.
Hi, Frank.
It's a nice doll you have there.
Yeah, thanks.
She's okay.
Did you have fun at the wedding?
Yeah, it was fun.
I'm just staying here, for right now.
Anyways, we'll see you Sunday then.
Sunday, right. Okay.
- Bye. Say bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Hi, you've reached Marissa.
- And Frank!
We're not here,
so leave us a message.
Hey, honey, it's me.
Listen, just was calling to check in.
I been kind of busy lately.
A lot of paperwork, stuff like that.
Damn it.
If you are satisfied, press "1. "
To rerecord, press "2. "
Hey, Marissa, it's me.
Listen.
Gonna be in the neighborhood
a little bit later.
Didn't know if you wanted to
get together for frozen yogurt sometime,
or maybe even a whole meal of food.
If that'd be agreeable...
Stupid.
If you are satisfied, press "1. "
To rerecord, press "2. "
Hey, Marissa, it's Frank Ricard...
Okay, ladies.
The secret to a good B.J. is focus.
I don't care
if it's your husband of 1 0 years
or some hot sailor you met
at TGl Friday's a couple months ago.
Who never did call me back
but did leave me with a
little something called herpes.
Which I then gave to the dog.
But that's neither here nor there.
Grab your vegetables.
[girls giggle]
["Hungry Like the Wolf"plays]
Who's hungry? Who's hungry?
Come on.
Is this guy for real?
Yeah, he's fine.
He's the best there is.
Ladies, our thumbs are down,
our wrists are flexed,
and we're gonna position
ourselves for insertion.
Ready? Do it.
Um hmm.
Good, Marissa.
You can use a little teeth
but don't be a biter.
Now you're going to do
the work, ladies.
These carrots are not going
to ejaculate themselves.
Get into it.
Very good.
Very good.
Good, good, good.
Not so good.
Please, what are you doing?
You're not Romulus sucking on
the teats of the mother wolf.
If you know your Greek mythology.
Ladies, we are giving head here.
We're not breast feeding
from a mythological beast.
[laughing]
Oh, that's funny to you?
'Cause you won't be laughing
when somebody prematurely
pops in your face.
It stings, and that is now
why I have a lazy eye.
Thank you very much.
Continue, please, continue.
Up and in.
And mind the stepchildren.
Mind the stepchildren.
[music plays from house]
Marissa, come on.
That's it.
I like what I see.
Don't be afraid to arch it.
Marissa, come on.
That's it.
Everybody can learn from Marissa.
I'm gonna take a quick five.
You guys continue.
Nice work, Marissa.
Way to give a hundred and ten percent.
When I get back there,
I'm gonna show you something I call
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Penis."
Did you see that movie?
I really like it 'cause of
the flying and the magic.
[glass breaking]
Bastard!
Someone just make a bad mistake!
[kung-fu scream]
Jesus Christ, Frank!
What the hell are you doing here?
You know this person?
I am so sorry.
Are you hurt?
- Yes, I'm hurt.
- [groaning]
Bob's not here. They're on the rocks.
You've outdone yourself once again.
It's nice, right?
Spanish, what the hell are you doing?
Man, I'm just getting some water, yo.
This suit is crazy hot.
Put your head on. Are you nuts?
That can be very traumatic for these kids.
- You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
- Don't "sorry" me.
Shake the tail when you walk, man.
You're better than that.
Take it easy.
You don't see me breaking
the fourth wall.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Nice costume.
- Thanks a lot.
- This is a great party.
- When'd you get here?
Just a few minutes ago.
This is my boyfriend, Mark.
Flew over from Colorado yesterday.
This is Mitch and Beanie.
How's it hanging, boys?
Pleasure to meet you.
So, listen, somebody told me
you guys are in a fraternity,
is that right?
- No.
- A fraternity. Is that true?
Not really. I mean, no.
It's more kind of like a social club.
We just kinda watch football
and hang out.
Hang out and spank each other, I bet.
It's not like that.
We don't take it too seriously...
Blue! How come there's no ice
in my lemonade?
Sorry, sir!
You drop down
and you give me ten!
- Now!
- Yes, sir.
Let's go!
That's Frank.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you these.
It's my work phone. Call me.
Speaker City. I own all six locations.
Max wants to open up his gifts,
but I thought maybe one would be all right?
Come on in here, Maxy.
You guys mind giving me a minute?
We'll talk surround sound
and everything else later. I'll cut you a deal.
I'm not gonna hold you over
the coals for it.
How you doing, bud?
What a day!
We can open Uncle Frank's,
but we got to wait for the others.
I don't know who's more excited,
Frank or Max.
Rip it up! Go at there. What is it?
Could it be a space ship?
Let's see what we got!
Yay!
What do you think, Max, huh?
It's got three speeds.
[children's song playing]
Damn it.
Excuse me.
I'll have one of those.
I'm Mark. What's your name?
Tracy.
Nice meeting you, Tracy.
- Right on there.
- There we go.
Okay, you can go back out
and play now.
Come on.
There. Take your doll. Okay.
I think she likes you.
She ignores most people.
I feel honored.
So, Mark, he seems like
an interesting guy.
He's harmless.
- How long have you two been together?
- Two years now.
I told him I had a crush on you
in high school and I think I got him jealous.
You had a crush on me?
You got to be kidding me.
I was obsessed with you.
Not in a dangerous way, you know.
I just watched you a lot, from a distance.
How come you never
asked me out then?
You were pretty intimidating back then.
You were always with older guys.
You had that Whitesnake jean jacket.
You smoked Marlboro Reds.
You were way out of my league.
I still have the Whitesnake
jean jacket.
I'm still pretty intimidated by you.
You're bad.
You're right. I am bad.
I'm sorry...
- I guess we're not knocking?
- Excuse me.
Excuse me, I've got to get
back to work.
...just returning these Band-Aids.
What are you gonna do?
Tell on me?
You know you can't, buddy.
It's guy code. Okay?
Guys don't tell on other guys.
That's, uh...
something chicks do.
[gargles]
You're not a chick, are you?
All right. Good talk.
I'll see you out there.
Hey there, buddy.
Need a friend?
Yeah, me, too.
Hey.
[pony whinnies, Frank whistles]
Wow.
- She's a beauty, ain't she?
- Yeah.
What kind of gun is this?
That's a tranquilizer gun.
If any of these little fuckers decide to freak
out on the kids,
I get to take them down.
Ain't that right, mother?
What?
That's what I thought. Shut up.
Hey, be careful with that.
That's the most powerful
tranq gun on the market.
Got her in Mexico.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it is cool.
They say it could puncture
the skin of a rhino from a hundred...
Oww! Oh...
Yes!
That's awesome!
What?
You just took one
in the jugular, man!
Ha! Whoa.
Yes!
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I did.
Is this bad?
Is this bad?
You should pull that out.
That shit is not cool.
Wait.
[distorted voice]
Wait. Pull what out?
The dart, man.
You got a fuckin' dart in your neck.
You're craz... You're crazy, man.
You're crazy.
I like you.
But you're crazy.
I feel tired.
# Happy birthday to you
No!
[slow motion]
# Happy birthday, dear Max
[unintelligible groans]
[kid yells]
[girls scream]
# Hello darkness
My old friend
# I've come to talk
With you again
# Because a vision softly creeping
# Left its seeds while I was sleeping
This is the most beautiful day.
Yes.
It really is.
- # Within the sound of silence
- [chewing]
I've missed you, Frank.
I'm so glad you're back.
I've missed you too, honey.
You look gorgeous.
You're sweet.
# I turned my collar
To the cold and damp
[gagging]
- He just French kissed me!
- [crowd groaning]
[moaning]
This better work.
The board members are beginning to ask
questions about this "civilian fraternity."
The board members are beginning to ask
questions about this "civilian fraternity."
Don't worry, it'll work.
Here she comes.
Her name is Megan Huang.
She's student council president,
prelaw, star of the tennis team,
a very promising young woman.
A young woman with a lot to lose.
- Megan, hello.
- Hi.
Have a seat.
I'm sure you know Dean Pritchard.
Don't turn around.
Megan, this little fraternity
over on Brook Street
has become quite an inconvenience
for us, okay?
And as student body president,
you approved their temporary status.
Unfortunately, you alone
have the ability to revoke it.
So, we're gonna need you to
go ahead and do that.
Revoke it? Why?
Everybody loves those guys.
They throw the sickest parties.
I met my boyfriend at their casino night.
Uh-huh, that's great.
It says here you are applying
to Columbia Law School.
Wow, that's a tough school
to get into.
You know, Dean Pritchard has
some serious connections at Columbia.
Are you bribing me?
Don't make life
harder on yourself, Chang.
It's Huang.
Whatever.
How's the tennis season going?
I made some minor changes,
but overall it's okay.
- It's a pretty standard lease.
- Okay, great.
Thank you for taking a look at it for me.
This stuff always confuses me.
Anytime.
So, you and Mark are
moving in together?
Yeah.
Well, financially it makes sense, so...
You know, there's something
I think you should know...
about Mark.
What is it?
Well...
[sighs deeply]
Relationships are a lot of work.
And, I guess what I'm saying is...
Good luck.
Oh, okay.
Well, thank you.
Yeah. Listen.
I was thinking maybe sometime
we could get some dinner or something?
- Yeah.
- If that's okay with you.
- I'd like that.
- Yeah.
Of course, leave it to me to wait until
you've got a boyfriend
to finally ask you out.
Timing was never your thing.
No.
Okay, so, thank you.
And, call me about dinner.
- I will.
- Excuse me, sir!
We have a situation, sir!
What are you guys doing here?
I said never at work.
But it's an emergency.
We can only buy KY Jelly
in the 4-ounce tubes.
Industrial size cans will take up to
What's all that for?
It's Blue's birthday.
We're having a KY wrestling match.
You know what?
Can we talk about this later, please?
I'm going again, baby!
- [crowd cheering]
- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
This doesn't seem fair!
I'm on a roll!
Rip his head off!
Rip his head off!
[romantic music plays]
[indistinct conversation, giggling]
[inhaling]
I like your room.
Thanks a lot. It's kind of
a home away from home for me.
All the posters are mine.
I don't usually like fraternity guys.
They're such losers.
But, you're like... mature.
Mature?
Yeah.
So, where do you sleep, anyway?
Usually, I sleep at home.
Sometimes I do crash here.
This is a futon, actually.
It pulls out, you know.
Cool, I didn't realize.
Can I see it?
The futon?
Yeah.
Wow.
Amy, I'm sorry.
I'm married.
And I can't do this.
I don't want this to get weird, but...
Right. I see.
But why don't you
leave me your number?
This way, if something happens to my wife,
I can give you a call.
- I don't think so.
- Okay, that was a bad idea.
[bell ringing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's main event!
In this corner,
weighing in at 1 10 pounds,
and pushing 89 years of age,
the recent recipient of a brand-new
plastic hip,
Joseph "Blue" Pulasky!
[crowd cheering]
And in the opposite corner,
with a combined weight of 21 0 pounds,
hailing from Hayden dormitory,
Jenny and Jeanie!
[crowd cheering]
Fighters, are you ready?
Blue, you sure
you're okay with this?
Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.
Let's get it on!
[bell dings]
[blowing whistle]
- Come on.
- Come on, grandpa, let's go.
Let's go, birthday boy!
What's the matter, you scared?
Hello?
[acoustic guitar plays]
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Pass before my eyes
In curiosity
# Dust in the wind
Looks like we better put the KY wrestling
on hold for a while.
Good idea.
Please don't beat yourself up
over this thing. It's not your fault.
Damn it, Blue was old.
That's what old people do.
They die.
I'm sorry.
# All we are is
Dust in the wind
# Ah-ah-ah!
You're my boy, Blue!
You're my boy.
It's been a weird month, huh?
Yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you
on your birthday.
My birthday, what do you mean?
Yeah, last Thursday.
- You forgot your birthday, didn't you?
- Damn it!
I'm such an idiot.
- What have you been doing?
- I've been keeping busy.
I... tried to join a new gym.
That was one thing.
And there's other stuff.
I can't remember, but, keeping busy.
You know, I've missed you.
You know?
I want you to know that.
I was even thinking maybe tonight
we could get together back at home,
and, I don't know,
maybe put on the Sisqo CD...
I don't think that's such a good idea.
Really? You don't?
I don't know.
Maybe we rushed into this,
you know?
I mean, it just doesn't
feel right, does it?
Being married?
What do you mean?
I mean, I think we should
get a divorce.
Like a real divorce?
Yeah.
Gotcha.
Okay, well...
I'm sorry.
No. Actually, I got to run.
But, if I don't talk to you,
keep on, keep trucking, you know?
Okay, good stuff.
Well, what do you think?
Yeah, it's okay.
- Just okay?
- Yeah.
I had Mitch take a look at the lease.
He thinks it sounds like a good deal.
You had Mitch look at the lease?
When?
Last week,
I stopped by his office.
- Oh, God.
- What?
I don't know.
I'm not so sure about that guy.
Mitch? Why? He's so sweet.
Something I saw last week,
at the birthday party.
What did you see?
I didn't want to get into this, but...
I walked in on him, and he was
harassing one of the caterers.
A young girl.
- Really?
- Yeah.
He was being aggressive
and grabbing her and stuff.
It was disgusting.
I didn't want to say anything
'cause he's your friend.
[cell phone rings]
- Hello?
- Hey Nicole, it's Mitch.
Hi, Mitch.
I was thinking, if you're not too busy,
maybe I'd take you up
on that cup of coffee.
- Now's not really a good time.
- Look.
I'm really sorry about the other day.
I want the chance to explain everything.
- I don't think so.
- It's...
It's been kind of a tough day,
and it'd really mean a lot.
[sizzling]
Listen, there are a few things
I wanted to clear up,
because I get the feeling you have
an entirely distorted view of who I am.
Really? What would
ever give you that idea?
Okay, that's one pecan pie
and two coffees.
And don't worry. For the Godfather,
it's always on the house.
- Not here.
- I know who you are.
I am Avi. I'm a big supporter
of what you guys are doing.
Thank you.
You are beautiful.
No offense, though. He is the king.
You are taking coffee and pie
with a living legend.
That's very kind,
but I insist, I'll pay.
Your money, it's not good here.
- Okay.
- I look forward to pledging next semester.
Okay, now don't you think
this is going a little far?
I heard one of your pledges died.
Is that true?
Well, yes.
But he was really old.
And I feel pretty confident that
when we get the autopsy back,
it'll show that it was probably
of natural causes.
Look, to be honest, you're really not
the person I thought you were.
But it's okay. It's not a big deal.
I think that I am that person.
And I feel more like myself now
than I have in a really long time.
So, that's why you go around
harassing young women?
- Doing what?
- The caterer.
At the birthday party.
Mark told me about her.
Wait a second.
I didn't want to say anything,
but Mark is the one
who was acting inappropriate.
- You are unbelievable.
- It's true.
Hey, look who it is.
Hey, Mitch.
Darcie, hey.
Hi. I've been meaning to call you.
I just didn't want you
to worry about my dad.
He doesn't know anything,
so it's totally cool.
Her dad?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, it's nothing, really.
I mean, they actually work together.
We gotta run, 'cause we got this prom
committee thing, so I'll see you around.
Sorry.
Bye.
Prom committee thing?
That I actually can explain.
Right, I'm sure you can.
- I have to go.
- Please wait a second.
No, really. I have to go.
Hey. Chicks.
Don't worry for her.
Love, it's a motherfucker.
Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter,
you already know.
The house has been boarded up.
The windows, the doors, everything.
We're at the Comfort Inn,
room 1 12.
I love you. Frank.
Due to these infractions,
not only will your house be repossessed,
but those of you who are students
will be expelled from the university
for your participation in
a non-sanctioned fraternity.
Please take a moment to
allow this information to sink in.
[sirens wailing]
Good. Believe me,
the actions taken by the student council
have come as a great shock to me.
But unfortunately, there's nothing
I can do about it.
Thank you for your time.
Good luck, and God bless America.
[static]
He can't do that.
This guy's playing hardball.
I got to say,
I'm kind of impressed by him.
Well, we're expelled.
My life is over and I'm gonna wind up
working at Red Lobster.
- You already work in Red Lobster.
- Yeah, but it's part time, dick.
- Guys.
- Hey, listen.
This is a serious situation.
I mean, I'm kicked out of school.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
My mom's gonna kill me.
Come on, she's not gonna kill you.
Yes, she is. I'm the first one
to go to college in my family.
When I left, she said,
"Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you."
She showed me the knife.
- [Weensie sobbing]
- [Beanie: ] Shhh.
Mitch is a lawyer, buddy.
He's gonna take care of this thing, okay?
It's gonna be all right.
He was supposed to be Luke Skywalker.
Guys, still want to be in the fraternity?
We've been waiting all semester
for you to ask us that.
Good. I need your help with something.
Off the record.
You do this, you're in.
Sir, yes, sir.
Okay. Walsh, I need you to track down
a copy of University Code 7-A,
- then fax it to this number immediately.
- Got it.
- I need to talk to you.
- Give me five minutes.
Booker, make two copies of this petition,
have it notarized,
and then messenger it over
to 34 Langley, and then I need-
Listen, Donald tells me you got these guys
working prep for the arbitration.
I told you five times, I want them working
the Sunshine Square deal.
Well, I locked
the Sunshine Square deal yesterday,
so now I have them helping
with the arbitration,
and I'd appreciate it if you let me
handle my own team,
and don't get on my ass
every time I'm trying to do something.
All right.
Wanna make sure
you're on top of it.
Well, I am.
Well, good. Carry on.
See? That's why they call him
the Godfather.
Hey.
Just take care of it.
Gentlemen, I got some good news
and I got some bad news.
Did a little research.
What Pritchard did, technically,
is illegal.
We have the right to a formal evaluation
before they can deny
our official application.
However, we're now subject to
a charter certification review
given by the board of trustees.
Damn it.
Wait. Wait, what does
that mean exactly?
According to university bylaws,
it's a thorough inspection of the fraternity,
and our contribution to the community.
Focus is on five categories:
Academics, athletics, community service,
debate, and school spirit.
Good luck to everybody.
It was nice to know you all.
And I'll see you around campus.
Actually, all of us are
being tested. Yeah.
What are you talking about?
I'm not even in school.
It's in the bylaws. Every member
of the fraternity is subject to review
in every category,
including academics.
Mitch, can you come here a second?
I don't mind popping for breakfast.
I do speakers. I don't do tests.
This is unbelievable.
What happened to, "needing brotherhood
now more than ever?" They need us.
Come on, college is
overrated anyway.
I built Speaker City from the ground up.
I can barely read. Truth.
This damn thing was your idea,
and you convinced me to do it,
and now people's lives are ruined.
Ruined? Like, whose life is ruined?
Well, let's see.
Blue's dead.
Frank's divorced.
I've lost my house.
Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass.
And now we got nine kids who are gonna
get expelled from school,
and you're not even gonna
help 'em out.
Is this thing gonna go down smooth or
what? I'm missing 1 8 holes of golf here.
One hundred percent.
I got creative with some of their tests.
It should make for
a very entertaining day.
I'm going to enjoy kicking
these assholes off campus.
Ditto.
Welcome, everyone, to the official
debate section of the charter review.
Unfortunately,
the captain of the university debate
team had a scheduling conflict. Yeah.
So, we had to bring someone else in
to fill in for this event.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the co-host of CNN's Crossfire,
famed political consultant,
the Raging Cajun,
Mr. James Carville.
[applause]
- Thank you.
- Don't clap.
Thank you, Dean Pritchard.
It's an honor and pleasure to be here, sir.
Topic number one.
What is your position
on the role of government
in supporting innovation
in the field of biotechnology?
Well, Dean, I'm glad you
asked that question...
I'd like to jump in and take that one,
Jimmy, if you don't mind.
Have at it, hoss.
Why doesn't he wait for an easy one?
Recent research has shown
the empirical evidence
for globalization of
corporate innovation is very limited.
And as a corollary, the market
for technologies is shrinking.
As a world leader,
it is important for America to provide
systematic research grants
for our scientists.
I believe there will always be a need for us
to have a well-articulated innovation policy
with emphasis on
human resource development. Thank you.
[applause]
Where'd that come from?
What happened? I blacked out.
It was awesome.
That was interesting.
Thank you very much.
And your rebuttal,
Mr. Carville?
We have no response.
That was perfect.
That's the way you do it!
That's the way you debate.
Number 1 2.
Which of the following is
a generally accepted graphical technique
for determining first order
system parameters?
Is it, A, Harriot's method
of solving cubics?
B, Pythagorean triplets?
Or C, the migration method of graphing
quadratic functions?
Harriot's method of solving cubics.
The answer is A, Harriot's method
of solving cubics.
Good test.
All right, Frank. Let's do this.
Go Harrison!
# Everybody dance now!
# Everybody dance now!
# Give me the music
# Give me the music
# Everybody dance now!
# Everybody dance now!
- Yes!
- Wow.
[drumming]
Go, Cougars!
[pained screams]
Oh, no!
Help me! Help me!
[laughing]
Dean Pritchard,
can I talk to you for a second?
Megan, I'm a little busy.
I didn't get into
Columbia Law School.
How awful.
You said if I revoked their charter,
you'd get me into Columbia.
You're right, I did say that.
No one at Columbia
has even heard of you.
Oh, Megan.
Look, I did my part.
Now you have to do yours.
- That's how bribes work.
- I know how bribes work.
I bribe people all the time,
but I changed my mind. It's a free country.
Lesson learned.
[banging on locker]
Damn it!
Sorry, guys, I lost my composure out there.
I'm an idiot.
Frankie, don't worry about it.
We'll make those points up, I promise you.
- Your skin's gonna grow back, too.
- [wincing]
I'm sorry.
Okay, how many events
do we actually have left here?
One. Frank's accident
definitely set us back.
But if we pass...
If we pass athletics, we're in.
All right, everybody!
That's what I'm talking about, guys.
We've made a great effort so far.
Let's just keep it up!
That's right! We can't have anyone
freak out out there, okay?
We've got to keep our composure!
We've come too far.
There's too much to lose!
We've got to just keep our composure!
For your final test, I've chosen the men's
gymnastics team's all-around competition.
And participants in the three events
will be chosen at random by me,
right now.
Let's see, rings.
Bernard.
Okay, great.
Floor exercise.
How about Frank? Great.
And for the vault competition,
oh, I don't know...
How about...
- You.
- Me?
Yeah. Is there a problem with that?
[Chariots of Fire theme plays]
I'm still holding.
Still holding!
It's physically impossible.
Don't worry.
Abdul is there to spot you.
We're waiting, gentlemen.
Just hit the board as hard
as you can and shut your eyes.
- You ready?
- Have fun with it.
Go! Come on!
Come on!
[high-pitched scream]
Oh, my God! Yes!
[cheering and whooping]
[congratulating, indistinct]
[Weensie:] Hey, I did good.
Congratulations, gentlemen.
You put forth quite an effort.
You really did.
But, I'm afraid
I have some bad news for you.
You didn't pass your review.
What are you talking about?
We finished with an 84%.
Yes, you people did finish
with an 84%,
but unfortunately, another pledge of yours
scored a "0" in every category.
What pledge?
A Joseph "Blue" Pulasky.
Hey, man, Blue's dead.
He passed away two weeks ago.
He's listed right here
on your official chapter roster,
and those zeroes drop your average
to a 58%.
Come on, you got to be kidding me.
It's been quite a journey.
You're gonna be all right.
You'll be all right, Frank.
- Come on, now, big cat.
- I have no reason to live.
We're gonna find you
a one-bedroom apartment,
get you back on your feet,
maybe move you in over at Beanie's...
It's not gonna be the same.
Didn't quite work out
for you fellas, did it?
You know what? I recommend
you drive off immediately,
before something
extremely bad happens.
- I'm scared.
- Excuse me, Mitch?
Am I interrupting?
Megan, you are. If you could leave,
it would be tremendous for all of us.
I thought you guys might
find this interesting.
You said if I revoked their charter,
you'd get me into Columbia.
- I did say that.
- Look...
I did my part, now you have to do yours.
That's how bribes work.
I know how bribes work...
You know what?
Just, let me...
Bird-dog him, Frankie!
Coming through!
- Go that way!
- Slow down, man!
Pritchard, hey, it's over.
Hand over the tape. It's over.
It's over, okay?
You know where the rest
of the guys are?
I don't know, we all spread out...
Ow!
What are you doing?
What are you...
Time out. Time out.
[glass shattering]
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Gentlemen...
Oh, God!
Wait, wait, my shoulder.
This man accosted me!
You are all witnesses!
He accosted me!
- Frank!
- [Frank groaning]
Frank, are you okay?
Mitch, I'm so cold.
Come on, big cat.
I think I see Blue.
He looks glorious.
- Stay with me.
- Okay.
I did good.
You did great.
Hi.
Hey! Wow...
How are you?
I'm okay.
You know, I got that apartment.
Good for you. That's great.
And you were right about Mark.
What happened?
Let's just say I caught him red-handed
and it wasn't pretty.
I guess I thought he could change,
you know?
I don't know.
So, you're moving out?
Yeah, I'm moving into a new place,
far, far away from here.
What about your little fraternity?
Well, they're upgrading,
moving into a new facility.
And to tell you the truth,
they don't have much use for
the Godfather anymore.
I hope you'll still think I'm cool
even without all this.
I think I can deal with it.
I appreciate it.
Although, you know,
I have to say,
I have always been a little curious
about what goes on inside these places.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I do have another 1 2 hours
on my lease.
I'd be more than happy to
show you around.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe for a minute.
Great.
Happy Tuesday to you out there.
It's "Frank the Tank" here at
Harrison Cougar Radio, 88.6.
Wanna give a shout-out
to the Godfather.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be here today, Mitch.
I'd probably be dead.
Face down in
a drained pool somewhere.
A quick note to all you
future brothers out there,
brand-new house on campus, located
at Dean Pritchard's former residence.
You all remember that crazy bastard.
We'd love for you to join us
this Saturday at our open house
for some chips, soda,
and some late-night streaking.
Little right. Little more.
Yeah, that's good enough.
That's good enough.
- Welcome aboard, Booker.
- Thank you, sir.
- Walsh. Well done.
- Frank the Tank.
Why don't you get me
a fresh beer?
You serious?
Now!
Now! Hurry, you sorry son-of-a-bitch!
# Going down the only road
I've ever known
# Like a drifter I was born
To walk alone
# And I've made up my mind
[Pritchard whistling]
[horn beeps]
[horn blaring]
Aahh!
Oh, shit.
# I close my eyes
# Only for a moment
And the moment's gone
# All my dreams
# Pass before my eyes
A curiosity
# Dust in the wind
# All we are is
Dust in the wind
Stay in the goal.
We gotta stay in the goal.
You can't be walking around.
You're killing me.
Can we stay between the posts?
I want focus, I want intensity,
and I want "1,2,3"!
Woofers!
Go, go, go, eat 'em up!
Hungry! Eat 'em up!
Caleb, you know what to do in the box.
We talked about it, in the box!
Chill out, we're up by six.
That ref's a real prick out there.
That's right, you heard me, my man!
Number four's been throwing elbows,
and someone's kid's gonna get hurt.
What?
Let's make it official then, jackass!
Let's make it official!
Get the clipboard.
I'll be in the car, all right?
- Have some respect for yourself.
- Thank you.
Is that Frank the Tank?
Hey. Heidi.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing really good.
I got into body painting.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
That's great.
Well, you're looking
very healthy.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, so are you.
Oh, thank you.
So, I heard you and Marissa
split up. Is that true?
Yeah, we did.
You poor baby.
You know, I'm having
this get-together
at my place
tomorrow night.
Like a few lnternet friends.
You should swing by.
- Really?
- Totally.
- Okay.
- All right.
- That sounds awesome.
- See you tomorrow night.
Awesome.
Yes!
I am back!
[whooping]
You know it!