Out Cold (2001) Movie Script

Hey, everybody.
Welcome to Bull Mountain...
a slice of heaven...
nestled in the cleavage
of Alaska's high country.
It all started when a young
buck named Herbert Muntz...
saw the promise
of a new life...
and staked his claim to it
the old-fashioned way--
he stole it from the Eskimos.
'Round these parts,
he became known as "Papa.''
Each year,
Papa would say thank you....
by droppin' his britches....
and blazing down
that mountain bare-assed....
in one of his famous
"moon-shine" runs.
Papa loved to ski...
and Papa loved to drink...
but most of all,
Papa loved to ski and drink...
at the same time.
Last year,
he died with his boots on...
Bull Mountain,
don't go changin'!
And not much else.
Nowadays, Papa's boy
runs the mountain.
But us locals still carry on
the free-wheelin' spirit...
of Papa's life.
You could say that this
mountain's a lot like a woman.
Just when you think you
know every inch of her...
and you're about
to dip your skis...
into some soft, deep powder--
You got two broke legs,
cracked ribs...
then you pay
your twenty bucks...
just to let her punch your
lift ticket all over again.
News flash.
Muntz is selling the mountain.
The entire mountain?
Why would he want
to get rid of this place?
I like this place
exactly the way it is.
Maybe the buyer can supply...
the mountain
with what it really needs--
hot friggin' chicks.
Guys, you know, more girls?
Let's give Lance a chance,
all right?
I gotta refuel the tanks.
Jenny, what's going on?
What's up, guys?
What, are you drinking
without me?
Hey, Lance.
Hey, girlfriend.
What you drinkin'?
Whatever the lady would like,
just put it on my tab.
I will have a beer, then.
And five shots of Goldschlager,
Rick, you are an idiot
not to go for Jenny...
and don't give me
this broken heart rigamarole.
Are you sniffing me?
There you go.
Thank you.
Man. If I was her...
I'd be gettin' with every dude
on this mountain.
Hey, boys.
You're killin' me!
Cheers, everybody!
And Pig Pen,
my poor excuse for a brother.
Our boy Rick here...
has been bitching
and moaning all week long...
I have not.
And I think it's time
that we do something...
to cheer him up.
Don't you agree?
Perhaps tonight is the night
that we crown this year's...
King of the Mountain.
Did somebody just say...
King of the Mountain?
I know you want
to defend your title.
If I must.
Good evening.
You all know the rules
of King of the Mountain.
Rule number one--
you do not talk about
King of the Mountain.
Rule number two--
there are no rules.
What about rule number one?
That's more of a guideline
than a rule.
Do not interrupt!
And now, the three-peat champion
of King of the Mountain...
Rick Rambis. Richard?
OK. Here's how it works.
Everyone must have a beer.
It's a race to the bottom.
The first one
to the statue of Papa Muntz...
with the most beer
in your glass--Pig Pen--
shall be proclaimed this year's
King of the Mountain.
And, as an added bonus...
you also win the contents
of Eric's stolen wallet...
which are, Luke?
Two bucks...
a condom...
expiration date 1 997...
and a picture
of his grandma--no!
That's Nancy Reagan.
But most importantly...
pushing, shoving,
and cheating are encouraged.
Try not to wipe out
like you did last year...
and the year before,
and both years before that.
Thanks, Luke,
I really appreciate that.
No problem.
Pig Pen, if you would.
Strap 'em in.
On your marks, get set--
Everybody ready?
Not tonight, Pig Pen!
Go grand, Anthony!
Don't wipe out.
Here I come, baby!
Coming through.
Get away from my head!
Hey, no fair!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Let's move it!
Don't let him pass!
We got him, Jenny!
Come on! We're gonna beat him!
Where did he come from?
His mug's empty.
The beer!
Beer? I got beer! I got it!
Come on!
If you haven't kissed up
to the king, let me know.
Goin' to drink, everybody!
Actually, I have to turn in.
I have to give Mr. Mays
a snowboard lesson.
I got fag practice in
the morning, so I understand.
Walk me home, Your Highness.
Guys, stop!
If you're planning
on coming up...
with some lame-ass excuse
to get into my house...
just so we can "hook up"...
I might let you.
Not that you're being...
particularly charming
or anything.
I guess it's the moonlight
and a bottle of Goldschlager...
that just brings out
the romance in a girl.
Can I ask you something?
You broke up with your boyfriend
this summer, right?
Are we about to have
another conversation...
about how you're still
on the rebound?
I guess not.
Look, Rick, I feel for you,
'cause I've been through it...
but it's time to move on.
The general rule of thumb
is one week of mourning...
for every six months
you were together...
so you were together,
what, two weeks?
Three weeks.
OK. Three weeks.
So, then that means--
I get it. You're right.
It's stupid.
Yes, it is.
So, you still want to hook up?
You gotta try a lot harder
than that, Rick.
So, you still want to hook up?
How's that?
Good night.
Good night.
-See you tomorrow.
Hey, listen.
You better enjoy your reign as
King now, because next year...
I'm Queen of the Mountain, baby.
We'll see about that.
Passed out again.
Well, boys,
what's it gonna be tonight?
We gonna shave his eyebrows?
Passe. Done that, took pictures.
I'm gonna need a bucket,
a paint brush...
and ten pounds of salt.
Lance, get his pants.
Where are you taking him?
Come on!
Try to hold up his fat ass.
Look at him.
Good boy--I mean, girl.
Good girl.
My ass is numb!
Look alive, Eric.
John Majors!
Ted Muntz. It's so good
to finally meet you in person.
Welcome to Bull Mountain.
The Eskimos around here
have a saying--
Slow down there, Nanook.
You're gonna give yourself
an aneurysm.
Will you smell that, boys?
Smells like money.
This place has got
some serious potential.
I can see it now, huh?
Can't you see it?
Condominiums, eateries,
shopping, wine bars, cigar bars.
What the hell--bar bars!
Yeah, we can totally sell
this whole rustic bit.
This is a diamond in the rough.
That's good.
Write that down
for the brochure.
No, wait. Better yet--
"Black diamond in the rough."
You know? Sort of a ski thing.
I'm Eric Montclair.
Well, who asked you?
Just kidding, Short Stack.
So it's some mountain, huh?
but the name "Bull Mountain"--
it's a little too...
You want to rename the mountain?
Yeah. Something good.
I'm gonna have
to polish this turd...
if I want to sell
my investors on it.
I mean, your hotel
looks like a Motel 6...
ate a yard sale
and barfed it out.
Muntz, there's some
really pissed off Eskimos...
outside right now, man. They
say they want their land back.
Very funny, Rambis.
Mr. Majors,
this is Rick Rambis--
one of our low
to mid-level employees.
You must be the big hotshot
who's gonna buy the mountain.
John Majors of Major Resorts.
Rick Rambis of Rick Rambis.
You any good
on that board there, son?
I'm all right.
You wouldn't mind
playing tour guide...
to an old fart like me,
would you?
Actually, Rick's got a pretty
heavy workload tomorrow...
but I would be delighted to
show you around the mountain.
No offense, Short Stack,
but you give me the creeps.
I think Rick here'll
do just fine.
You don't mind, do you Rick?
No problem.
First thing in the morning.
I'll take a Geritol
so I can keep up.
Chop chop with them bags there.
So, what does this mean,
selling the mountain?
I don't know.
Maybe this guy will be cool.
Maybe he'll help us build
a lift up to Hangman's Peak.
Can you get an STD
from a polar bear?
What is your brother doing?
What do we got, Whitey?
Solid Gold Dancers
trapped on Beaver Mountain.
Somebody help us!
Looks pretty hairy, sir.
Just the way I like it!
Lock 'em and load 'em, boys!
I'm goin' in!
What are we gonna do?
Please, the whole cabin
is freezing!
We're saved!
Good morning, ladies.
The name's Pen.
A suit.
I need everybody to be calm
and take your tops off.
And tie them together.
Now! Move! I don't have
time to discuss this!
You. Grab me around my waist.
Lower. Nice.
You, get the door!
The door's stuck!
Just jiggle it!
It's gonna be OK, ladies.
Jiggle more!
You have to jiggle the handle.
Jiggle it.
Open the door, Pig Pen!
Come on, man.
Jiggle it.
Open the door!
I'm coming!
He's had a crush on that bench
for a long time.
Did you enjoy your nap?
So, Rick, did you
hit it last night or what?
No, man, we just talked.
God. You know, maybe...
we should clarify something.
When you won the race
last night...
that made you
King of the Mountain.
Not King of
the No-ball Pussy Losers.
They already have
their own king--
my brother.
Are you still hung up on Anna?
Here's what I don't get,
all right, is...
you met this chick...
and you got
freaky-deaky with her...
and then, poof!
She disappears.
How's there a problem with that?
Pig Pen, when I want advice...
about a good
"Planet of the Apes" film...
or maybe how to get the resin...
out of my bong,
I'll come to you, OK?
But I am not gonna take
romantic advice from somebody...
who cannot spell
romantic or advice.
Or bong.
Listen, man, I just want
to hear the story, that's all.
I mean,
you've never even told me it...
not even once.
If I tell you, will you
promise to shut up about it?
I met her at the most beautiful
romantic place on earth...
Cancun, Mexico.
There was this little cantina
called Pedro O'Horny's.
Me and Luke, see,
we had just shown up...
and then I saw her.
From the moment
we caught eyes...
I knew she wasn't like
the other girls there.
She was French.
She had her top on.
Plus, she wasn't puking.
We spent every day together
for three weeks.
It was like heaven...
but you couldn't
drink the water.
And then, one day,
she asked me...
to go on one of them
tandem bike rides...
but she never showed up.
I never saw Anna again.
Guys, a little sensitivity here!
God! Can't you see
this is a dejected man?
Well, Rick, get your
dejected head out of your ass.
Papa Muntz wanted you
to run this mountain.
Carpe the diem!
Seize the...carp!
Make sure you bundle up because
it's freezing out there, OK?
Hey, Toby.
Let me check your boot.
You're good now.
-Thanks, Jenny.
-You're welcome.
Hey, Jenny, you think
you could tie up my boots?
Stewart, I think you
can do up your own boots.
I kind of like
the way you do it.
OK. How about I do up one,
and you do the other.
The rabbit and the loops...
I can do it
without the song, you know.
I kind of like the song,
-What's up, Rick?
-What's up, dude?
Get out of here.
You're welcome.
You're pretty good
with these kids, Jenny.
I seem to have a thing
for immature boys.
At least Stewart has his act
together enough to ask me out.
I think we're
checking out a movie...
right after his nap time.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
Would you...
Would I...
Would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow night?
I'm sorry.
It sounded like you were
asking me out on a date.
We could meet at the inn.
Say, 8:00?
Right now I have
to go seize the carp.
-Wish me luck.
-I'll see you there.
Morning, Mr. Majors.
My daddy was Mr. Majors.
Actually, he was Mr. Mankowicz.
Just call me "John."
OK, John. Well,
where do you want to start?
Most people can't do
the whole mountain in one day.
Well, I ain't most people.
You try
and keep up there, hotshot.
You ever been on one
of those lesbian chat rooms?
-Are they good?
-I don't know.
You see that up there?
That's Hangman's Peak.
Damn. You ski that?
Yeah. It's a hustle,
but, as you can tell...
it's almost impossible to hike.
I think that if we put
a lift to the top...
it would be the most
popular snowboard park...
in the entire country.
You know, Rick, what I'll do--
I'll think on that.
'Cause I like your style...
and I might need a little help.
Yeah? What for?
Well, my investors,
they're coming...
to check this place out,
and, well, they spook easily.
If this deal's
gonna go through...
this whole town's
gonna have to play ball.
I don't think Muntz
has the pull around here...
to do that, but...
you do.
Can you hear me?
OK. As most of you have heard,
by next week...
Bull Mountain
will have new management.
I'm selling it...
for lots and lots
of American dollars...
to your future boss
Mr. John Majors.
Thank you.
Thank you and good morning.
I can't tell you
how happy and excited...
I am to be here today.
Now, I know we're all
gonna be homies...
but I do believe
in the golden rule...
and that is, he who has
the gold card makes the rules.
Pipe down, retard.
And to publicize
my purchase of the mountain...
I've invited my board members--
that's the board of directors
and my investors--
here for
the anniversary festival.
As my employees,
you're expected to behave...
in a manner consistent
with a world-class resort.
Any questions you might have...
will be answered
in your new rule book...
which numbnuts here
is gonna pass out.
I think that's you.
And I have a super-duper
surprise for all of you--
a brand-new, streamlined...
top of the line,
high-performance uniform!
Don't sweat having
to pay for 'em.
We'll just deduct the cost
from your first paycheck.
Welcome to
the Major Resort family!
There's no business
like snow business!
I told you. You look great.
It doesn't really allow my dice
to roll down there...
and by dice, I mean testicles.
Speaking of testicles,
let me get a beer.
The suits
are not that bad, guys.
Rick, these scuba outfits
make us look ridiculous.
Who does this Majors asshole
think he is?
I'm not gonna wear
this unitard--period.
Guys, I love Bull Mountain
as much as anyone else...
but a little change,
it's not gonna hurt this place.
I don't know, Rick. Why would we
even want this place to change?
We don't want it
to turn into Aspen.
But have you seen
the women from Aspen?
Other than
the occasional girl...
who comes here
on the weekend trip...
this place
is a sausage factory.
There are gonna be
some hotties...
some slammin' bods
with pants so tight...
it looks like
they were painted on.
Babe, I love chicks.
Chicks love me,
so it's all good.
Calm down, Lance.
Look, Muntz is gonna
sell this mountain...
and somebody's
gonna buy it anyway.
Do you have $1 00 million?
I don't. You?
No. We're not models.
Guys, look.
All I'm saying is
that if we play ball...
the mountain will still be ours.
You foolish boys.
This is how it all starts.
I've seen it all before.
I was there.
It was called the eighties.
Ford was president,
Nixon was in the White House...
and FDR was runnin'
this country into the ground.
I was bummin'
in a hole-in-the-wall town...
in what is now called Utah.
Some fella
from Colorado shows up...
starts makin'
so-called improvements, right?
Well, 'fore we knew
what hit us...
the streets
are runnin' with latte.
It got so bad that
a fellow that liked to...
you know,
smoke a little grass...
or drink a little ripple,
crow like a rooster...
maybe challenge the mayor's son
to a gentleman's duel...
was uncouth, against God.
More like
bad real estate values.
Stumpy had to go!
be careful what you wish for.
You got it, Stump.
-I will.
-All right?
I'm good.
Better put somethin' on that.
Welcome to our local cantina.
I like to stop in and have a...
Stumpy's right. You can't
let them do that to this place.
Women or no women,
we gotta stand on it...
and I need to stop talking
for a second.
Hey, Rick, come on over here.
No. You know what?
You guys are right.
This guy's really bad
for business.
I'm gonna go let him know.
Rick, this is
my stepdaughter Inga.
Hello there.
Rick, I'd like you and retard
to show me the kitchen.
I got a little work to do.
Buy yourself a drink at the bar.
I won't be long.
Nice place.
When's his lease up?
Whenever I say it is.
Hey, boys,
look good in those uniforms.
-Boys, watch confidence at work.
-Be strong.
God, here she comes.
What my friend's
trying to say is...
welcome to the El Matador...
which is Spanish
for the matador.
Want a drinkie-poo?
I was wondering
if you can make...
a kind of drink.
It's called...
what is the word
in English for this?
Horny maker.
One fuzzy navel for the lady.
So you're, like,
Majors's daughter?
I'm supposed to my
schtrepsister be meeting here.
One more fuzzy navel
for the lady.
My schtepsister.
It's Anna.
Oh, my God!
-How are you?
-I'm fine.
It's been a long time.
-What are you doing here?
-I was having a beer.
-In Alaska?
-I like cold beer.
Does that mean--is Rick around?
No. You didn't hear?
Rick perished
in a dogsled accident.
Four dogsled pileup.
And it's awful.
The dogs survived, though.
You used to be
a much better liar.
Anna, I don't know why you're
here, but leave him alone, OK?
Play it once
for old time's sake.
-Play what once?
-Well, the song.
-Please, play it.
OK. Well, I think
I could play it once.
-Oh, that's not it?
-No, that's not it.
Very nice, though. Please.
I don't know if I know--
You know what song
I'm talking about. Please.
All right.
Please play it. Come on.
He's gonna kill me.
Thank you.
Luke, I thought I told you
to never play that...
Hey, Anna, you made it!
Come here, kid.
Give me a hug.
Sweetheart, this is Muntz.
-And this bright young man is--
-We've met.
Majors is your father?
Yes. He likes to think
he's Napoleon...
working his way across Europe.
His first wife was English,
my mother was French...
and Inga's mother was Swiss.
And I just hired
a Russian girl trainer.
Look out.
Hey, girls, it's bedtime.
We got a long day ahead of us
tomorrow. Come on, Inga.
Retard, walk me out.
I didn't know you were here,
Rick. I'm really sorry.
I really have to go, but...
Of all the bars in all
the ski towns in Alaska...
why'd she have
to come to this one?
There you go, Jenny. Enjoy it.
I don't think he's coming,
We'll put him in Rick's car.
Got him, Lance?
I got him, OK?
This is gonna be rightly stupid.
Get him in.
I got it.
-Come on!
-You sure this is a good idea?
It might give him
a heart attack.
As the inheritor
of his estate...
I take full legal
Come on! Get out of the way!
OK, come on.
One, two, three!
OK, they're packed.
Let's skedaddle.
Spin him!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Please!
I got it!
We're stopping!
Oh, my God!
What's wrong with you?
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
-All right!
This is what you're gonna do
to Bull Mountain?
No. Snownook.
That's the name
my people say tests the best.
Did I ever tell you
how I invented snowboarding?
That's a hot tub, Pig Pen.
Hey, there.
I don't want credit for it,
but they keep givin' it to me.
She's gonna kill me.
Hey, retard.
There's gonna be a lot more
changes goin' on here.
Come on, boys!
You're workin' on my time now.
Hold up! I can explain it!
I can explain everything.
Relax. I stopped by the bar
last night, and Pig Pen told me.
Look, I'm really sorry
about that.
I will make it up to you
any way that I can.
You don't have to leave.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm doing my laundry.
So that means
you're not mad at me?
Yeah, I am.
I'll get over it, though.
Look, I really am sorry.
Look, I don't do
this pining thing well...
so why don't you figure out
what the hell it is you want...
and let me know?
Welcome, girlfriend.
Buy you a beer?
I'm good.
Look, I'd like to apologize
if you'll let me.
There's things about me
you don't know, Rick.
Now, there's something
I have to tell you, though.
You know what?
Hold that thought.
I don't even care anymore.
Hey, you're dribbling!
Watch the shoes!
I'm hot!
-Want to see my piece?
See, I just started training
for the biathalon.
Where's Inga going?
Don't you worry, little brother.
I got your back on this one.
I'm gonna do her.
But how does that help me?
Well, what do you know?
Just the two of us!
I got trained.
Inga, I love you!
Oh, my God!
Are you hurt?
Yeah, I think so.
Anthony, is that you?
Can you go get some ice
from the bar?
This is Alaska. You're sittin'
on ice, little leprechaun.
Yes. Go, Anthony.
I will wait here with him.
Damn him!
Tell Inga where it hurts.
Come in.
Make yourself at home. Just
don't hit me anymore in my nuts.
Sorry. Oh, my God.
This is good?
Yes, this is very good.
Tell me, where did
you get these scars?
Let's see.
truck accident...
and a fire hydrant.
I bet each one has
its own exciting story, no?
No, not really.
I skateboarded off a truck
into a fire hydrant.
I never met
an American boy before.
Are you all so wild?
We have a saying around here.
No brains, no headache.
We have a saying
in Switzerland, too.
No swimsuit...
no tan lines.
We have another saying
around here.
-What's that?
-I don't know.
I didn't mean to leave you
like that in Mexico.
I'm sorry. I just--
Believe me, I had to.
Why? Some other guy
come sweep you off your feet?
You were the other guy.
-I don't understand.
-I'm engaged.
I was engaged when I met you.
And I love him, Rick.
I really do.
And when I met you...
I don't know, I just...
I fell in love with you, too,
I guess.
I didn't know what to do.
Hey, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
I had ten other engaged chicks
fall for me that week, too...
so I barely even--which one
were you, the brunette?
Please, I wanted
to say good-bye to you...
and tell you everything...
but when the time came
to do it...
I didn't think I'd be able to,
so I left.
And I really did fall for you.
That's why I left.
There, I said what I had
to say, so I'm going now.
Look, I'm sorry, too, OK?
For being a prick.
It's just that I was
a little...bummed out.
I deserved it. It's OK.
You did.
You want some coffee
or something?
That would be really nice.
This making out is a lot of fun.
But I'm ready--how do you say--
to schlafenzeit.
Yeah. Schlafenzeit.
Anything you say.
No. What are you doing?
Schlafenzeit. Sleepy time.
I'm going to bed now.
I'm sleepy.
No, stay. We'll cuddle.
Good night.
So...your fiance...
Barry. He's in medical school.
He's flying up
in a couple of days to see me.
That's gonna be a little tricky
unless he's a pilot, too.
He's a pilot, too?
He's a doctor and a pilot?
I think I want to have sex
with this guy.
I have to go now.
Let me show you out.
I just--I want you to know
that I am happy for you.
And...this Barry guy is lucky.
Thank you.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
You need help don't you?
Just a sec.
How's the hot tub, Luke?
You know,
the Eskimo have nine words...
for a hell mooch
stuck in a hot tub.
Hell, they only got
eight words for snow.
There we go.
Yeah, physics, really.
Expansion and contraction.
All right.
Right here.
Was it worth it?
Rough night?
I've had worse.
Anna's getting married.
To some rich asswipe
doctor dude named Barry.
He's coming in
day after tomorrow.
-Thanks, man.
No. I got molested
by a hot tub last night.
It's a long story.
You know what I really hate
about this chick...
is that I think--I know
that I'm in love with her.
And...it sucks.
-Have you told her this?
-No, not really.
Well, listen, you've got
to do it before it's too late.
Before she becomes
Mrs. Doctor Asswipe.
Otherwise, you're gonna
regret it your whole life.
"No regrets." That's my motto.
That and "Everybody
Wang Chung Tonight."
You know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I'm not gonna let Anna
get away again.
When this Barry guy gets here,
I'm gonna have to face him.
And I'm gonna look at him
and tell him...
like a sensible mature adult...
"Finders keepers,
losers weepers, pal."
I'll have to work on that one.
And if he doesn't like it...
we'll kick his ass.
Attention, all guests...
Where's Jenny?
I don't want to go!
You're going back in line.
Hey, fellas.
Great day, isn't it?
Man, who the hell are you?
I'm the new Team Snownook
patrol leader.
"Keepin' it real
while keepin' it safe."
You on the roof,
knock off the grab-ass.
What the hell is going on here?
Don't you eyeball me!
Hey, Luke, why don't you
mind your own beeswax...
before my fist makes
an appointment with your ass?
Eric, you ever notice
that you're always...
talking about putting something
up my ass?
And that time,
it wasn't even a threat.
Technically, that was flirting.
Wait a second.
Where are you going
with the bull?
Talk to the horn!
Where are you taking the bull?
Listen, I've had it with these
jackass employees of yours.
This morning, there was a boy...
with his little Elvis
stuck in my hot tub.
Now, how in the hell
does that happen?
Well, the jets
can feel quite nice--
Stop talking.
Effective immediately...
I'm taking some steps
to clean this place up.
Poured out
a perfectly good beer.
I love that smell.
That's the smell
of you all getting fired.
What, fired?
Welcome to your first
random drug test.
I'll need you
to fill these cups.
Go make tinkle,
or it's your job.
I don't have to write a test
to tell you that I take drugs.
Pig Pen, you go to the bathroom
in the cup!
Jeez. He's way too into this.
Drink up, half-pint.
I will have your ass!
How you doing tonight?
Thanks a lot.
How you doin', ladies?
Private party tonight, guys.
We're cool, man.
We're regulars here.
Just ask Lance.
What part of "private party"
did you miss?
Hey, there, Rick.
Nice monkey suit.
I barely even recognize
this place.
-A little face lift.
-Can I get a beer?
Hey, Village Person,
why don't you be a macho man...
and cut me some limes?
Hello, stranger.
You clean up pretty nice,
Thank you.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
Would you like to dance?
You're not wearing underwear.
You can't with this dress.
Your excuse is better than mine.
I need to borrow Fred Astaire
here for one hot minute.
Dance with Tito there.
He loves to boogie.
-Hi, John!
-Hi, boys.
And then I just sneaked in,
What did they do to the bar?
How did you guys get in?
The back door was unlocked.
There's gonna be some
big changes on the mountain...
once I get in the driver's seat.
But I wanted you to know
that I want you to stay on...
and to run
the day-to-day operations...
and be the new manager
of Snownook.
You serious?
Of course I'm serious.
Here's your contract.
Take a gander.
-That's a big number.
-Not bad.
But as the new manager...
all my friends
get to stay on board, right?
You drive a hard bargain,
son, but done deal.
Thanks, John.
Don't thank me.
You deserve it.
Welcome to the team, pard.
You are good.
You're messing with--
I'm gonna take Kung Fu
and kick your friggin' ass.
We'll have the party
at our place.
We don't need their
fancy-shmancy shit...
and their blue ropes.
What's up, man?
What's going on here?
If you ain't on the list...
there's nothing
I can do for you, buddy.
Ladies, how you doing?
-I'm good.
-Mind if we join you?
Not at all. Go on, have fun.
I'm likin' that. Come on, man.
Give me a break. What's up?
Are you from around here?
OK, then $40.
All the locals in free. Come on.
Let me get some of that.
Ladies, you're missing out.
Say hello to the new manager...
of the mountain.
You straight?
Come here!
Hey, everybody!
Cut the music off!
Pig Pen, put her down!
Our friend
little Rick Rambis...
is the new manager
of the mountain, y'all!
And you're all fired!
Every one of you!
Are you saying that
I have to kiss your ass now?
As long as you shave.
-Shave what?
-My ass!
Hey, boss, I'm gonna
call in sick tomorrow, OK?
-Hey, congratulations, boss!
-Thank you.
Watch your hands, mister.
I could sue you
for sexual harassment now.
I'm gonna get me some.
Look, just because
I'm your boss...
doesn't mean things
change between us, OK?
Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?
She has a fiance, Rick.
I know.
Look, your personal life
is none of my business...
but I don't want
to make a habit...
out of being your
little shoulder to cry on, OK?
Look, I know. I was just--
Yeah. Go. Get outta here.
Can I talk to you?
What I have to say isn't really
gonna take that much time.
I've been practicing.
Anna, I love you.
Rick, don't.
I'm not gonna lose you again.
Not to Barry, not to anybody.
I want to fight for you.
And...I think
that you should tell Barry...
that things are over
between you two.
You're really not making
my life easy, you know that?
I'm not an easy guy.
There you are! Come inside.
You look so beautiful tonight...
I wanted to see
if you wanted to dance.
Come on. Not you.
Him in his white tuxedo.
No, you didn't.
Why, those dirty
little bastards.
I know it sucks...
that they're ruining
the town and everything...
but this
is the best vanilla latte...
I have ever had
in my entire life.
You can actually taste
the vanilla beans that these--
I don't like the coffee.
Rick, check it,
the doctor is in!
It's show time, baby, come on!
So, you girls like Porsches?
Let's kick his ass!
No, let's handle ourselves
like adults.
Be mature about this.
Adults kick other adults' asses
all the time.
Rick, this is Barry.
What's up, Rick? Hey, guys.
Just give me a second here.
I'm having second thoughts
about kicking this guy's ass.
First floor, Alaska.
What's up, guys?
It's great to finally meet you.
Anna has told me
a lot about you.
Who's the jacuzzi Casanova?
That's him right there!
They call him that...
'cause he had himself up in it,
you know, lovin' it strong.
-Thank you, Stumpy.
-No problem!
Take these twice a day...
and you will be back
at the plate in no time.
Will these make it bigger?
That'd be nice.
So, are you, like,
a crippled guy?
No. I'm just a really lazy guy.
It happened at the X Games
a couple of years ago.
Piled into a fence.
Pretty messy.
They show the clip
on ESPN all the time.
In the intro
for "Sports Bloopers"?
-You're that dude?
-I'm that dude.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I wipe out all the time.
Ever since I was a little kid...
I wanted to be either
a doctor or a blooper...
so it's basically win-win for me
except now I can't feel my legs.
Pig Pen, what are you doing?
He doesn't feel that.
So, anyway, what the hell
does a guy gotta do...
to get a drink in this town?
Actually, I'll catch up
to you guys later.
I have to--nice to meet you.
Used to be my bar,
but they kind of took it away.
They got wine, if you want wine.
Staff room, right now,
or so help me, I will get my--
You don't even have
to say it, Eric. I know.
Come on. Let's move.
Got a little surprise
for you boys.
Anthony, Luke, Pierre...
Pierre? Your name's Pierre?
Majors is really pissed.
He thinks you're all
totally incompetent.
He's given me no choice.
You're fired.
Effective immediately.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I've nothing against you...
but it's either this,
or he won't buy the mountain.
Muntz! How can you do this?
I mean,
this is all that we have.
What's Pierre gonna do?
He's very stupid.
And you're gonna side
with Majors...
who calls you a retard
to your face?
We say stuff like that, too,
but not to your face.
And you know why?
We're your friends.
You guys brought this
on yourselves.
The hot tub, the drug test--
you're disrupting
the whole town.
Now...you didn't help me out,
and now I can't help you out.
I'm sorry.
Knock, knock.
Hey there, Rick.
Welcome to the winning team.
Got you a little gift.
I'll see you out there.
Hey, thanks a lot.
"Hey there, Rick.
Welcome to the winning team.
"Got you a little gift.
I'll see you out there."
Those bastards.
We rule.
I'm sorry, guys.
My dad can be a jerk, I know...
but it's not like you get
to pick your parents.
Needed burnin'.
What are we gonna do now?
I'm not good at anything else.
Not that I was good at this,
whatever this whole thing was...
but at least
it was familiar to me.
I can fly you guys
down to Anchorage if you want.
You guys can get rides
from there to wherever.
Look, if worse
comes to worse...
we can always get jobs
on an oil rig.
Our uncle works on one in Nome,
and we'd be great at that.
Pig Pen, you're on fire.
Guys on oil rigs
get laid a lot, right?
On their occasional break...
from their 1 9-hour work day
in the freezing sleet...
yeah, they get laid
all the time, Pig Pen.
All right, I'm down.
I'm in.
We should go
and say good-bye to Rick.
He knows that we're leaving...
then he's gonna
throw it all away.
So...we have to do
the honorable thing...
and steal a few street signs...
and leave town
with our tail between our legs.
Oh, my God, guys.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know where to start.
Ever since they took
my bar away from me...
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.
A lot of drinking
and a lot of thinking.
A lot of thinking
about why I act the way I do.
Why I feel the need to have
countless sexual conquests...
one after the other...
and I think it's due
to the fact that I'm...
I don't know how to say this.
Come on, guys!
Mr. October batting
for the other team?
Lance, everybody knows.
Nobody cares.
It's OK. You know?
I mean...
if you weren't gay,
you'd be a pretty weird guy.
Come on.
I was just gonna say
that I was adopted, but...
since we're having
this conversation...
Hey, Rick, lookin' good.
Money suits you.
Thanks, Mr. Majors.
Mr. Majors?
What happened to John?
After all,
you're practically family now.
And not that bogus
Majors Resort "family"...
that I tell the minimum wagers
they're in, either.
Where are all my friends?
They're gone, Rick.
Business 1 01.
Listen, I was doing you a favor.
See, those guys
are just dead weight.
Now you can run this place
to your full potential.
You'll make a boatload.
Maybe you'll marry my daughter.
I got work to do.
Get that statue out of here!
This thing weighs a ton!
Who is this guy?
What the...
Bull Mountain!
Don't go changin'!
Get that sign straight, guys!
I quit!
That's a $300 hat, bitch!
I can't believe I was so stupid!
Rick! Jeez, I've been
looking everywhere for you.
Barry is flying the guys
to Anchorage.
-What do you mean?
-They're leaving, Rick. Come on.
I've always wanted
to be a flight attendant.
You showing a movie today?
It's not "Alive," is it?
You guys are just gonna leave?
You can come with us
if you want to.
You're not gonna throw
your life down the tubes...
just 'cause we're incompetent.
You were born
to run this mountain.
This is what you want to do.
You're staying, period.
I appreciate that,
I really do, but I just quit.
In that case, hop on.
We got plenty of room for you
if we throw out one of the kegs.
You can't leave.
Bull Mountain is not just
our job, it's our home.
Not really. You've seen
what they've done to the place.
We're not the locals anymore--
they are.
Snownook's not our town, Rick.
Bull Mountain,
that was our town.
it belonged to the Eskimos...
but we stole it fair and square.
They're right, Rick.
Bull Mountain's gone.
They even tore down
the statue of Papa Muntz.
You guys remember
Papa Muntz's last toast...
right before he died?
No. Remind me.
He held up his beer, he looked
at the mountain that he loves...
and he said,
"Don't go changin'."
His last words were
from a Billy Joel song?
"Don't go changin'."
Bull Mountain is our home...
and I say,
let's do somethin' about it.
It's our home!
-Let's do somethin'!
-It is our town!
You got a plan?
I'm in.
-Me, too.
-Same here.
Let's do it.
-Let's do it. Come on.
-Unpack your bags.
I'm down,
but if we're stayin'...
I've got some unfinished
business to take care of!
I've never been
a man of words...
but there's something
that I have to say to you.
Inga, I've loved you from
the first time that I saw you...
and I love you more than
any man's ever loved a woman...
that he's never
actually spoken to.
I'm only gonna
offer this once.
Inga, will you...
have sex with me?
Nothing would piss off
my schtepfather more.
Let's do this.
All right, guys,
you know what to do.
It's time to destroy
this little celebration!
Let's go. Come on, guys.
All right.
Anthony, come on.
What are you doing?
It's time to get
back on that board, man.
Welcome, friends and investors.
We may be 1 0,000 feet
above sea level...
but this is the ground floor
you're gettin' in on today.
The ground floor of a dream.
Now, with my signature
and your money...
we can make this dream
come true.
Yes, sir. The future is ours.
Just one beautiful...
gondola ride away. Hit it!
I thought I fired your ass!
Inga, get your clothes on!
You're just like your mother.
Guys, if this is gonna
be it, let's make it count.
Stay low, don't hit any kids,
and most of all...
-don't sit down.
-Why not?
'Cause we're doin' this
Papa Muntz style, baby.
Get' em off!
Come on, get 'em off!
Luke, if you would
do the honors, please.
Everybody, pants at half-mast.
Let's put Papa Muntz
back where he belongs.
All right, then.
Sorry about that, folks.
I assure you everything's
completely under control.
Everything's just fine!
What the hell
is Captain Cripple doing here?
Lock her in the Humvee
till he's gone.
Come on, baby. Twenty-one.
Don't touch me!
You better learn
some manners, little lady.
Get in!
-So, what's up?
-Guard duty.
Everything is fine!
Hey, man, don't fret!
Afternoon, everybody.
Rick, you ungrateful jerk!
Get out of my way!
Stop! Thief!
Hey, stop those guys!
Get those guys out of here!
Bunch of losers!
What the hell's
he doin' up there?
How's that for irony?
Come on!
I'm your father.
OK. Whatever.
Go! Get out of here!
All right. At my signal...
unleash hell.
Wait! Don't leave!
So there's a few bad apples!
So my daughter's a whore!
This is a hell of a deal!
Hey, come on, kids.
Let's--play safe, all right?
Was that a bottle?
-Want to go for a ride?
-Where are we going?
We're getting out of here.
Hang on.
You want me? Here I come!
you will be restored
to your rightful place.
Why did you take me
around this way?
Because you're
getting on that plane.
-I don't understand.
-Come on.
I'm gonna stay here, so your dad
doesn't know where you went.
Wait! Last night you said--
Look, last night
we both said a lot of things.
Some of 'em were true,
most of them weren't...
but I thought about it, and it
all adds up to one thing--
you're gettin' on that plane
where you belong--with Barry.
Look, we'll always have
Pedro O'Horny's, right?
We'd lost that
until you came here.
Thank you, Rick.
Think this is funny, retard?
Damn, what was that?
Is it me, or do you even fight
like a retard?
Do it!
Call me retard one more time!
-I hate you!
Oh, you can't get
to heaven on rollerskates
'Cause you'll roll right past...
Ride, Papa!
You big lug!
This is how you repay me?
What the hell you got
to say for yourself?
I've got one thing
to say to you.
Get off our mountain, asshole!
All right, fine.
You win. I'll go.
But first,
I'm gonna whomp your ass!
Bring it on, big man!
Papa Muntz!
Damn! What the hell was that?
That was my dad!
Look out! Watch out!
Let me go!
Help me!
Where's Anna?
Where's your boot?
Let's get a drink. Come on.
Nice work, Lance.
Hey, fellas!
Check it out!
Isn't that Anthony?
Hot sluts with tits.
Lance, you don't have
to do that anymore, buddy.
Oh, sorry.
Old habits die hard.
I love men!
Lance, you don't have
to do that, either.
Who wants me?
Help! Retard?
Short Stack? Anybody?
Man, you must be proud, huh?
-So, do you ever miss her?
That is the right answer.
you want to get a drink
with me later?
You're gonna have to try
a lot harder than that, Ricky.
You know, things worked out...
pretty well for our friends
up here on Bull Mountain.
Rick and Jenny?
Yeah, they got together,
and then some!
Two sweet kids like that...
they could do mighty well
by one another.
Anybody who ever tells you
that money won't buy you love--
hell, they ain't ever been
to Reno.
I was at the buffet table.
This gal comes up to me,
and I flash them dimes...
and we went right up
to her hotel room--
well, it was a car.
This is the good one.
You're pretty good
on that thing, son.
I'm a genius.
Actually, he was Mr. Mankowicz,
but you can call me...
Who is under my table?
Who put a farting machine
under my table?
This uniform
makes my nuts rageous.
This uniform's
really cramping my Hardy Boys.
It's no mystery.
This outfit is suffocating my...
Lance, can I get a drink for...
Are we still makin' this movie?
Are we done with this crap?
When this country
went off the gold standard--
Your paper is paper,
nothin' more than paper...
and if you don't believe me,
by God...
you go talk to Alan Greenspan!
I swear to God,
he's runnin' this country!